#don't look at me like i haven't been thinking about this for over a year
Note
WIBTA if I kissed my straight friend who has a huge crush on this boy?
I (teens, F) am lesbian. I have this friend, let's call her Chicken Nugget (teens, F), who is straight. I know not to assume so I'm just putting it out there that she has willingly given me this information. She is also an amazing, supportive ally. We've been friends since we were little. I mean, tater tots little.
A few years ago I realized that I liked girls. Chicken Nugget was super supportive (as always since she's literally the definition of a golden retriever) and that was that.
Well... sorta.
I actually have a huge crush on her. And I've had it FOR YEARS I've recently realized.
Anyway, Chicken Nugget has a crush on this boy, let's call him Dinosaur (teens, M), that she's had for a little over a year. She really wants to ask him out in a few weeks and is super scared of getting rejected. She talks about him all the time, literally whenever she has the chance. Sometimes I walk home with her and she just blabs about him. Honestly, it kinda hurts and makes me jealous. I just wanna scream sometimes LOOK WHO'S IN FRONT OF YOU, I WILL LOVE YOU!
Anyway, all of my friends (except me and her) have had their first kisses. I know someone who's younger than me who has had their first kiss. It hurts knowing all of your friends have all kissed and dated without having those experiences of your own while you cheer them on.
All of this to say, I really wanna kiss Chicken Nugget. But her infatuation with Dinosaur is KILLING ME! She plans on asking him out soon and I'm super nervous for her. If she gets rejected, she's going to be devastated. I don't want to see her like that, I don't think I'd be able to watch.
So, I had an idea. One day I wanna ask if we could "practice kissing" or something like that (I haven't come up with what to say, so comment any suggestions) since I just really want to kiss her. Then we can have our first kisses and, who knows, maybe she'll realize she doesn't need him or she might be into me the way I am with her.
TLDR my straight friend, who I have a crush on, is infatuated with this boy who I think will break her heart. We both haven't had our first kisses so I want to ask if I can kiss her since it's killing me that she's so obsessed with this boy who probably doesn't like her when I, who adore her, could be with her instead.
So, WIBTA for kissing my straight friend?
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[ENG translation] Jure Maček, Joker Out's drummer: "I don't have time for dating"
An article and interview with Jure Maček, published in Suzy magazine on 1.3.2024.
Original article is available here for Slovenske novice subscribers. Article written by Anita Krizmanić for Suzy magazine. English translation by a member of JokerOutSubs, proofread by IG GBoleyn123.
Music has accompanied the 27-year-old from Logatec since early childhood. He fell in love with it because of his father and grandfather, who were excellent musicians themselves. Besides them, he also had a number of other great teachers who introduced him to various genres, he played in the symphony orchestra and several bands, and just over three years ago, he finally found what he had been looking for – Joker Out, the band that became his new family. A pleasant and open conversation partner, who believed in his dreams and is living them today, gave us an honest interview about what his journey was like before he and his band embarked on the incredible odyssey that started last year before Eurovision.
Tours are tiring, but also incredibly exciting. // "They wouldn't let me play the drums in music school, because they weren't on the curriculum, so I decided that I would learn how to play them on my own."
"Each of us dreamed about one day finding ourselves where we are now. We're aware that many people don't have that chance. We miss home, we haven't been there very often in the past year, which we've already got used to. To each other, as well. We support each other and we know how to coexist. We're doing just fine, but there are moments when you have to grin and bear it. There aren't many of those, though, because we're mostly having a good time and we enjoy making music," a smiling Jure tells us from London, where the boys have been temporarily living and creating since the beginning of the year.
During our chat, he walks around the city and tells us that life with Bojan, Kris, Nace and Jan is very simple. "Because we're great friends, even though we could all use a moment of solitude now and then. Especially now that we're living in a small London apartment. But we know each other so well that we know what each of us is like, when and why he's in a bad mood, what he needs, and how to fix a certain situation. We're a nice and happy family," he smiles, and adds that they all know how to take a step back, but at the same time, they're firm when they want to emphasise their idea or opinion.
"Sometimes it's better if someone says what they're thinking out loud, presents their idea, and if we collectively latch onto something, we can get great results. It's the same with music," he continues.
LIVING HIS DREAMS AT PEACE
The fruits of their hard and dedicated labour over the past few weeks can already be seen, some are yet to materialise. The band recently sent 'Everybody's Waiting' out into the world, a song that centres the personal thoughts and contemplations that accompany many young people.
"When we make music, we try not to think about other worlds and the audience. When a song is being made, each of us has to feel it and add a small part of what makes him happy to it. When we get to the point where all of us are happy with our work, we know that we created something good, and that's also when people can feel it or find themselves in it," he says.
Joker Out, with their magic and meaningfulness, always take us into worlds where everyone is safe and understood, even when they think they're not. He agrees that a loving attitude towards yourself and others is key in the chaotic world that surrounds us.
"I am at peace with the people around me. I appreciate them very much and they make me even more happy to be in this world." He is grateful for fulfilling his dreams, which he never let anyone take from him as a young musician. "I currently make a living only from music, so I am living my dreams," he smiles.
After working on the album, the boys are leaving for the European tour.
DRUMMERS LIKE CONTROL
As a drummer, he keeps in the background, but that doesn't mean he lives in the band's shadow. "We're special people. We're happiest if things are under control. Just the fact that we sit all the way in the back says enough. You can see everything from there," he says, and adds that drummers are pretty technical types who are more reserved than the other band members. "We like the space we create for ourselves around the drums. That is our world and we really enjoy it. We're pretty nuts," he jokes.
We also chat about the band's fans, who are a unique phenomenon, as they know all the lyrics. "It's a crazy feeling when people abroad sing songs in Slovenian." Otherwise, he never craved attention and he's pretty introverted. "Out of everyone in the band, I'm the least enthusiastic about hanging out after gigs, not because I don't like the fans, but because I like my peace. I need time for myself after performances, which the fans very much respect and understand. After each gig, we take time to meet people, even if not all of us are there."
Despite looking thousands of girls in the eyes at gigs, his heart is currently not taken. "There's no time for dating. There was none last year, and none this year yet either," he laughs.
STEALING HIS MUM'S POTS
During our conversation, we also touch on his upbringing, and he tells me that he fell in love with music as a child, since his father Mitja and grandfather Cveto were also musicians. "I remember dancing around the living room with grandpa on Sundays, and moments when I stole my mum's pots from the kitchen, took them to the living room and banged on them with full force. All of that moved something inside me, leading me to being a musician today," he's convinced.
Another key moment happened when his father, who was also a drummer, took him to the concert of the guitarist and frontman of Dire Straits, Mark Knopfler, in Tivoli Hall as a boy. "That was probably where it first became clear to me that I really wanted this," he says. His parents enrolled him in the music school in Logatec where he studied percussion instruments for eight years, he played in a brass band and a symphony orchestra, he was a member of various bands in elementary school.
"They wouldn't let me play the drums in music school, because they weren't on the curriculum, so I decided that I would learn how to play them on my own. After that, I had a more and more successful band each year, it escalated until I joined Joker Out," he remembers his younger years, when he was getting to know various genres and enjoying his calling more and more each year.
"We drummers are special people," says Jure.
FALLING IN LOVE WITH FILMING BECAUSE OF HIS DAD
Music, however, wasn't the only thing he spent years getting to know. In high school, thanks in part to his uncle and his dad, who often took him to the field with him as a cameraman, he worked as a correspondent cameraman and editor for RTV Slovenia (Slovenian national television). "When they were looking for a cameraman at RTV Slovenia, I already knew and understood a lot of things. I kind of miss that job. It was very varied because I spent a lot of time in the field, I was at sports, cultural, and political events. During the time when I was both a cameraman and a musician, I realised that there were a lot of parallels between those worlds."
Now, he sometimes misses a slightly more regular schedule. "I used to be home at four in the afternoon, now I won't be home until May," laughs the likable drummer, who really liked working as a cameraman, but was mainly driven by his commitment to music. Now, for just over three years, he's been part of a band in which he's found something more. "I actually didn't really know how to get to that point, because in Slovenia, we often hear that you can't make a living from music and it might be better to find something else, that it's difficult to survive in the music world, that it's not worth it. But there was always something driving me so strongly that I was determined to prove to myself and others that it's possible."
THE CAMERA IS ALWAYS ON
If you want it strongly enough, you can achieve anything you want, he says. He's sure that as a musician, he will never achieve anything bigger than Joker Out. "Even though I like to emphasise that I'm living my dreams, it's not all sunshine and roses. The music world can be very tough, you have to fight every day, because you don't know what you're getting yourself into and what the result will be. Everything is a little unknown."
While the members of Joker Out are constantly discovering new unknown things in their creative world, they're definitely not unknown on the music scene. They caress our ears and souls with their finely crafted lyrics and excellent music. Their fans can now even hope that these outstanding young musicians will record a documentary about their journey in the near future. "We started recording in 2021 and we have a lot of things in stock that might interest people. With us, it's like this: when we're on tour, the camera can be on at any moment, so we have to be a little mindful of how we behave. Actually, everything is recorded – backstage, travelling, hotels, arguments, as well as lovely moments!"
The fans are thrilled by his not-at-all-reserved photos.
DREAMING OF SUMMER AND CAMPING
The magical pinnacle of the band's musical odyssey, which started even before their acclaimed Eurovision performance, happened last October in sold-out Stožice. On this colourful journey, they only had a moment to catch their breath at home before setting off again for new adventures. After a temporary move to London, the boys travelled to Helsinki on the 28th of February, where they did production rehearsals, and their European tour starts on the 1st of March. "We will board the bus which we will live on for one month. I'm looking forward to this experience and the bus tour, as it will be our longest yet," he doesn't hide his excitement. The band will come back to Slovenia for seven days at the end of March to regain their strength, then they will have a few performances in the UK, and on the 15th of April, they will lock themselves into a studio in Hamburg for a month, recording the album that was created in London.
"This year, we were home for three days, until the 4th of January, which makes the days spent in Slovenia even more precious," adds Jure, who is endlessly excited for the summer. "I've seen enough hotels in the past year, so I want a genuine holiday like in the old days, when a friend and I converted a car to be able to sleep in a camp. I miss simple holidays in nature and without a phone. That's what I really want this year, at least for a week or so," one of the most charismatic Slovenian drummers reveals his humble wish to us.
If you repost quotes from the interview, please link back to this post!
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911 ep 709 first watch reactions
The way this ep starts with giving us a clear shot focused on the front, solely on Buck sitting between the man he's dating and the man he's been married to for the past six years, and only on them. XD I'm here for it.
Oh, Bobby. :( Feeling unworthy of his medal, and remembering his dad, and how everything went wrong after he got it. </3
Aaaah. Man, IDK. The openly and explicitly homophobic and racist captain cartoon just feels like an easy target now. Prejudice doesn't seem like it mostly gets expressed that way anymore, and when we only teach people to reject that kind, we not only fail to teach them to recognize subtler forms, we may be misleading them to think those more nuanced ones don't count.
Love Athena trying to "save" Bobby by contacting Amir. I'm always a sucker for a couple where they both save each other.
I enjoyed the little play with "Mother Hen," and I know it's not specifically about Buddie, but it is damn funny that when she's told she's raising more kids, they're the ones the camera focuses on. lol Raising a kid together for 6 years, still a couple of morons in desperate need of parenting from their colleagues. Even when Bobby's "wordless goodbye" moment with Buck is letting him cook for the 118, Eddie's by his side and they're doing it together. I swear, 911 said, "Take note, this is what a marriage looks like" and then just kept hammering the point for 6 seasons now.
Okay, I am pretty sure that, while Bobby's acceptance of Buck's first relationship with a guy, is really lovely, "Because we haven't had to talk about it" is not an actual good criterion for discerning whether someone is good for their partner or not. People whose spouses are abusive don't talk about it, either. :/ I am NOT saying that's Buck and Tommy, because it obviously isn't, it just feels like a line thrown in there to be cutesy, but which isn't actually helpful to people, who might take it too seriously.
I AM GONNA LOL FOREVER. So, just like Buck's bi awakening was all about Eddie, now Eddie's messed up whatever he has with Kim is gonna involve Buck, too? Gotcha. Battlefield boyfriends being off-battlefield boyfriends once more.
So... Buck was going to see Tommy, in an ep where TPTB have already paid for Lou in the role, so might as well use him as much as possible, but instead a non-emergency run in with Eddie's current whatever-Kim-is makes Buck ditch Tommy, and run straight over to Eddie's to help him? Look, I'm obviously a One True Pairing kind of shipper, so Buddie are it for me, as much as I can enjoy and see the value of Buck and Tommy as a stepping stone, and nothing will make me stop shipping Buddie (especially not after the tsunami eps), but 911 is feeding me way too well with how it frames these scenes and stories, I don't think the show's trying to get me to stop.
Man, if anyone's ever had a doubt that Eddie is the world champion at denial, this kitchen scene will def cure that.
"I'm worried about you."
"Yeah, I'm worried about me, too."
And then Buck, the one person who can ALWAYS penetrate through Eddie's denial wall, no matter how thick it is.
Eh, IDK how much the part where they try to re-define Shannon as the love of Eddie's life works, or how much it just serves to show he's still in denial, just a different kind than before, when Buck got through to him that he can't go on like this with Kim. For one thing, in his little retelling of their dysfunctional r/s, Eddie doesn't mention that Shannon was leaving him a second time, even before she died. Literal denial and repression.
So I'm gonna choose to believe Hen and Karen will get Mara back, because I can't deal with that particular storyline otherwise.
Kim's reaction is too deranged for me. Who does something like that, even if we assume the kindest of intentions? And then Marisol and Christopher's timing... I didn't sign on to watch a soap opera, but I guess I'm getting one free of charge?
"Now you gotta save yourself." If that ain't a painful summary of what growing up means, IDK what is. the conversation with Bobby's dad in his sleep was a good, painful scene, built right, leading to him hopefully getting his closure through saving his wife from a fire, and leaving us with just the right amount of suspension for next week and the season finale, where we'll see if he can let go of his past mistakes without a doppelganger dressing up like his dead wife...
Thank you for reading! If you’re looking for more, you can find my s7 reactions tag here, and more of my Buddie meta and content in my pinned post. xoxox
#911 spoilers#9-1-1#911 meta#911meta#911 abc#911 show#911abc#911#911 on abc#911onabc#911reactions#athena grant#bobby nash#bathena#evan buckley#buddie#eddie diaz#buddie meta#karen wilson#hen wilson
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WIP Wednesday! Whoo!!! 🥳
Tagged by: @nostalgic-woodwind
I'm not sure when this'll take place.
Might be part 2 of IBS, might not be.
Idk! We'll see!
TW: Caregiver burnout, neglect, fighting, arguing, drinking, guilt, hurt, implied death, panic attack.
Drift away: Husk and Angel
"Husk? Are you good?" Angel asks.
"I'm fine." Husk says. "Just...tired," he says. “Between working at the bar and taking care of you, I haven't had a lot of time to myself to just relax.” He explains.
"I know I've been regressing a lot lately, keeping you up." Angel says. “I didn't realize I was stressing you out so much, I'm sorry.” Angel says, feeling rather guilty over it, not that he can help when he regresses, but he should have noticed Husk's stress earlier.
Husk shakes his head. "No, it's not that." He lies. "Just- don't worry about it. I just need to sleep tonight and I'll be fine.” He says.
Angel raises an eyebrow. "Husk, it's fine to admit if you need a break. I know I can be a lot sometimes.”
"You're not, I just- well, you are, but I can handle it, I promise.” Husk insists.
Angel moves his head towards Husk, stretching his neck out a little, leaning over the bar to face him. "Hey, it's okay if you need a break, or just not in the mood to care for me." Angel says. "I can take care of myself for a bit. It's no big deal.”
Husk shakes his head, moving further away from Angel. "When you're little and you need me -"
"Even then." Angel says sternly. "You have to take care of yourself, Husk. If you tell me you need a few hours, I can entertain myself." Angel says. "I have for a few years now, in case you forgot."
Husk looks away from Angel again and shakes his head. "No, I can't just leave you by yourself." He says. "That wouldn't work.”
Angel raises an eyebrow at him. “Why not?”
Husk looks at him again. “You should sit down, you'll hurt yourself leaning over the bar like that.”
Angel frowns, sitting down as he was told. "I've been by myself before, Husk." Angel says. "If it makes you feel better, you can leave me with nuggets or someone else. Charlie probably wouldn’t mind if you left me with her for a bit.”
Husk sighs. “Angel-”
“Husk, you need to take a break every now and then, I'm fine.” Angel insists. “I promise I'm okay.”
"No! I can't leave you alone." Husk says sternly. "I can't!"
"What is wrong with you?" Angel asks him.
"Nothing!" Husk shouts, causing Angel to get off the stool and take a step back. His extra eyes glowing defensively.
Husk sighs. "I-” He huffs, unable to say what it is he should.
Angel looks at him with concern. "Husk…”
"I'm done having this conversation with you." Husk says, "If you really want to be left alone, I'll leave you alone."
Husk starts to walk away, obvious Angel shooting through him…
Angel's frown deepened. "Husk, I didn’t mean to-"
“I said I didn't want to talk about it.” Husk says.
“I'm sorry.” Angel says.
But Husk doesn't respond, he storms off, leaving Angel alone.
Angel feels a pain in his chest.
What did he do wrong?
~~~Husk:~~~
Husk leaves the hotel, not caring what anyone has to say about it...
Not caring if Angel hates him,
Or if Charlie and Vaggie attempt to lecture him about this...
Ic Alastor tears him apart for leaving…
So fucking be it! He doesn't care right now!
A single tear falls down his face…thinking of the last time he left someone…
He quickly wipes it away.
He needs a drink.
~~~Angel:~~~~
Angel sits back down at the bar, not understanding what just happened…
What did he do? Why was Husk so upset with him?
Tears force their way down Angel’s face…
This is all his fault!
He fucked up!
Again!
Made someone else leave him!
Why does he keep doing this- what is he doing!?
"Angel?" Charlie asks, appearing behind him. "What happened? What's wrong? Are you okay?”
Vaggie is next to her, looking just as concerned.
Angel shakes his head. "I don't know- I- I don't- Husk, he-" Angel is trembling, he's not sure why he's reacting this way, he and Husk have fought before but…
But Husk has never left him because of it, and he supposed that's what was freaking him out.
Does Husk not like him anymore?
Was he mad?
Fucking damn it! Why can't he calm down enough to talk about it!?
Maybe Charlie can help him find out what he did wrong…
"Deep breathes, Angel." Charlie says, taking his hand. "Start from the beginning. I'm sure we can work this out."
Angel nods, taking some deep breaths. "It's Husk, he's just been so stressed out from taking care of me... I'm just too much for him sometimes. I guess- I didn't realize that I was...So, I apologized and tried to convince him to take a break but then he started getting mad and-... I didn't mean to upset him." He says. "I don't know what I did! I don't know why he's so mad at me. What did I do?”
"I don’t think you did anything." Vaggie says. "Something else is probably on."
Charlie nods. "Yeah, maybe Husk is just experiencing caregiver burnout.” She says. “And maybe he's feeling a bit guilty about it.”
Angel nods. “Maybe.”
“This isn't your fault, Angel. Just be patient with him, we can talk to him together if that would help." Charlie suggests.
Angel nods. "Yeah...okay."
"We can make a schedule, set times for you to regress, and times for Husk to take breaks, days I can watch you instead. You know I'd take any excuse to take care of you for a few hours." She smiles, causing Angel to roll his eyes, smiling also.
“Everything’s going to be okay, Angel. I promise.” Charlie says. “Once Husk calms down, you two can talk it out and everything will be fine.”
Angel frowns. “But what if he doesn't want to talk to me? What if he's done with me?” Angel asks.
“...Angel.” Charlie says. “Husk…kinda cares a lot about you. He talks about nothing else, he waits eagerly for you to come home every night, his face lights up when you're around. I doubt one little squabble will change any of that.” She says.
“He does? Really?” Angel asks.
“You haven't noticed?” Charlie asks.
Angel shrugs.
“It's true, he cares about you a lot. He loves you.” Charlie says. “I'm sure everything will be fine.”
Angel smiles again and nods. “Thanks, Charlie.”
Charlie offers Angel a hug and he takes it.
It doesn't last too long though, Angel pulls away three seconds later.
“How about we watch a movie while we wait for Husk to come back?” Charlie suggested. “That'll help the time pass.”
Angel nods, arms holding his other arms. “Yeah, sounds good.”
Vaggie let's Charlie take care of Angel, taking him to another room so he can calm down some more.
Caregiver burnout is pretty normal, Vaggie deals with it all the time, and so does Charlie.
But Vaggie wasn't convinced that was all this was... No, something was going on with Husk.
And she was going to find out what it was.
~~~Husk and Vaggie: hours later~~~
Husk walks back into the hotel when he thinks Angel would give up and be fast asleep.
He knew Angel would try to stay up for him…but Angel also has work tomorrow so he can't stay up too long.
He regretted the way he talked to him, he wanted to apologize, but he couldn't face the spider yet.
He can apologize in the morning before Angel leaves.
Angel was only trying to help, this wasn't his fault.
If Husk could just learn to manage stuff better, everything would be fine.
He needs to take care of Angel, who knows what could happen if he doesn't!
His mind feels a sharp pain thinking about what could happen…
He hears glasses moving around near the bar…Niffty must be trying to hide again.
He sighs, Niffty could hurt herself doing that, he had to go over there and stop her, doesn't matter how much he just wants to pass out right now.
But once he makes it in front of the bar he doesn't see Niffty…but Vaggie.
“Hey.” Vaggie pours him a drink and hands it to him. “Rough night?”
Husk looks up at her confused. “What are you doing?”
"When people need to talk, you're there for them. You're always the listening ear, supporting everyone who needs to vent. But, you don't have that. So, I'll be your bartender tonight." Vaggie says. "What's going on?"
Husk sighs. “Is Angel okay?” He asks, figuring that she must have talked to him already.
“Angel's fine.” Vaggie says. “What's going on with you?”
Husk sighs. “I'm fine.”
Vaggie crosses her arms and gives him a look that makes him realize she's not going anywhere. “You're not.” She says. “Charlie thinks you're dealing with burnout, Angel said you refused to take a break. What's going on?”
Husk picks up the drink and closes his eyes. “I need to take care of Angel. He just doesn't understand that, I can't just take a break.”
“Why not?” Vaggie asks.
Husk takes a drink. “Because.”
“Because why?” Vaggie persists.
“Because!” Husk shouts.
“Because why!?” Vaggie asks, matching his tone.
He notices Vaggie’s face deflates.
Going from stern to worried.
The same face Angel had…
They just don't get it!
“...because I've done this before.” Husk admits. “I took care of someone…and the one time I didn't, the one time I said no is when they didn't make it.”
Vaggie's eyes widened. “Husk…what are you talking about?”
Husk has never talked about this before…not to anyone…is he really sure he should let himself be this vulnerable?
♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
Possum: Fun, right? :D
Just a cheerful lil fic over here.
@todayimfour @trophyxtissues2 @abby5577 @ask-dusty-boy @im-not-paying-my-taxes @stormy-is-hyperfixated @babiegurlmuffin @attagirljessy @legeufygeuber100 @thatswhat24 @hinata-chan-utaitelover
#ittybittysinners#hazbin hotel agere#hazbin hotel age regression#caregiver Husk#cg!Husk#caregiver Husker#cg!Husker#age regressor angel dust#little!Angel Dust#possum's WIP#steven universe drift away song! you know the one.
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You Mess With Him, You Mess With Me (TW: Physical Assault)
So this fic... I don't know how to tag it. There isn't any actual domestic abuse in it but a character assumes that there is.
Summary: In which, Buck mistakingly assumes Eddie's new boyfriend is abusing him and punches him.
***
"So when are you two tying the knot?" Karen asked taking a sip of her wine.
They were at a BBQ at Bobby and Athena's place, and Buck and Tommy were currently hanging out with Hen and Karen.
Buck looked at Tommy and smiled brightly at his boyfriend of two years. "We haven't had that conversation yet, but I am hoping it's in the books."
"Oh, it's definitely in the books," Tommy replied, returning his smile, before kissing him.
Buck kissed him back and pulled away to lovingly look at him.
As they continued talking, Buck noticed Eddie walk out of the back door, hand in hand with his new boyfriend.
Eddie had come out as gay only a year ago and had been dating Alex, for the past 3 months. Alex was tall and slim, about the same height as Eddie, with light brown skin, a practically shaven head, and bright blue eyes. He was quite good-looking if Buck said so himself.
Buck frowned when he noticed something off about Eddie. "Does Eddie- does he have a black eye?" He asked.
"Hmmm?" Tommy looked over to where Buck was looking and Buck saw him frown, too. "It does look like a black eye."
"Oh yeah, that's definitely a black eye," Karen replied. "Wonder what happened..."
"I think I know what happened," Buck replied through gritted teeth. He pulled his hand away from where it was resting on the small of Tommy's back and clenched it into a fist. "Baby, can you hold my beer? I'll be right back."
"Where are you going?"
Buck heard Tommy ask but he didn't stop. He didn't stop until he reached Eddie and Alex, who were talking to one of the other guests.
"Buck, what's wrong?" Eddie asked worriedly
Buck kept his attention on Alex, "Eddie, how did you get the black eye?" He asked.
"Oh! Alex and I were sparring, and he accidentally hit me," Eddie replied.
Buck knew Eddie was lying and, without another word, he charged at Alex and tackled him to the ground. He raised his fist and punched him right across the face.
"BUCK!"
"EVAN!"
"What the fuck, man?!" Alex yelled under him.
Buck raised his fist again to hit him when he felt hands on him, pulling him away. "LEMME GO!" Buck yelled. "I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch!"
"Evan, stop!" Tommy tried holding him back.
Buck felt his anger rise when he saw Eddie helping Alex off the ground. He looked him over before glaring at Buck.
"What the fuck was that? What is wrong with you?" Eddie asked angrily.
"He hit you!" Buck replied.
"It was an ACCIDENT, Buck. He didn't hit me on purpose. Like I said, we were sparring, and he missed and hit me across the face," Eddie told him.
"Really?" Buck asked when he heard the sincerity in Eddie's voice and immediately felt bad.
Tommy's grip loosened around him.
"Yes! Alex would never hurt me. How could you even think that?" Eddie asked.
"I barely know the guy!" Buck replied. "We've never even hung out. Hell, forget him, you and I barely hang out since he came into the picture."
"Wait... Are you jealous?" Alex asked. "You have a boyfriend!"
"That's not what Evan meant," Tommy explained. "He's possessive of his friends, especially Eddie."
"Well, I don't know how I feel about that," Alex replied and took Eddie's hand in his.
"You get used to it," Tommy replied with a small laugh.
"Buck, if you are worried that we don't hang out more or if you wanna get to know Alex better, then you should have told me. Don't go around punching my boyfriend," Eddie told him.
"I- I'm sorry," Buck apologized.
"I'm not the one you should say sorry to," Eddie told him.
Buck sighed and looked at Alex. "I'm sorry, Alex. What I did was uncalled for."
"That's okay, Buck. I'm actually happy that you're this protective of Eddie." Alex wrapped an arm around Eddie and smiled at him.
Eddie smiled back and leaned in to kiss his boyfriend before gently touching his face where Buck had punched him.
"I think the four of us should go on a double date," Tommy suggested.
"I like that," Eddie replied.
"Now come on, let's go get some ice for Alex and your knuckles," Tommy said, taking Buck's hand and pulling him away.
As he left, Buck turned to look at Eddie and Alex and saw Eddie giving him a thumbs up. Buck smiled and returned his thumbs up.
#evan buckley#tommy kinard#eddie diaz#bucktommy#eddie diaz x original male character#911 abc#911 fanfic#911 fic#tw: assault
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Okay, but imagine Eddie calling you after he hears "Master of Puppets" for the first time. (Or maybe after rewinding the sixth time.)
*ring ring*
You: Hello?
Eddie: BABE YOU GOTTA HEAR THIS!!!
*puts phone to speakers, blows your eardrums*
#eddie munson x you#eddie munson x reader#'but wheels why aren't you listening to it together' you ask#because we don't want to influence each other by making faces during the initial listen#duh#don't look at me like i haven't been thinking about this for over a year
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There's always a slight yearning in the back of my mind wishing I had been born in the right place, time, family situation, income level, etc. to have just lived in one single house for my entire life. Imagine being born in a place that still suits you, even through all of your personal evolutions and etc. The idea of deep familiarity with an area because you've lived and explored it for 40+ years, being encased in a web of memories and connections. Being able to clean out your old childhood bedroom and find personal artifacts, to dig in the yard and remember. I know those lives can still be plenty imperfect, but there's just something so seemingly solid and stable and Grounding about it that I sometimes wish I could have.. (At least from my outside perspective as someone who's moved around a bit geographically and even within the same area, never lives in the same house/ apartment /etc. for more than a few years usually.) Like... having a place that is printed upon, fully your own, rather than chronically a visitor, every thought of a space always tempered with the notion that one day soon you'll have to pack it all up again, etc. There's something peaceful about the permanence.
#I think also because I'm a very nostalgic person - THOUGH not in the way that somep poeple mean when they say nostalgia because I've realiz#ed that to some people apparently it means like.. more of a sad emotional thing? Or when I talk about being nostalgic they say 'me too' and#then describe how they're always depressed dwelling on the past wishing they could revisit it and replaying it and feeling sad and etc.#Whereas for me - it's not in a deep or emotional way at all. It's very detached - kind of like someone who is doing like a scientific#cataloguing of something? I don't feel any remorse or sadness or longing or sitting there sobbing for hours over people/pets I've lost or#etc. It's more like a fun contemplative excercise and extension of self analysis plus just documentation. Like I know your memory fades as#you get older OR even as stuff is actively ongoing humans have terrible recall - even the ones who are less emotional/more focused on#accuracy our minds still twist things or etc. SO I looove to have documentations of everything possible so that in the future I will have#as full and complete of a view of myself as I possibly can. sure the image will undoubtedly be a little distorted but having real evidence#of how something was at a time is very valuable. You look through old messages or letters or something and you always find other alternate#versions of yourself. Not in a worse way like inherently inferior Previous Models Of You who haven't yet been perfected but even just in a#neutral way like 'what they're saying is not a BAd thing but also is not how I would say that today.' etc. ANYWAY I find it really interest#ing to document and remember things and love revisiting the past - not in a sad way - but just like. curiosity. reminiscing and recalling#and filling in gaps. or trying to have the same feeling I felt at a previous time so I can remember what it was. Collecting information for#documentation purposes. Like for example - I would love to go back and tour all of my old childhood houses/apartments. Not to like#sit in the middleof them and cry and go 'ohhh my childhood waughhh' - but literally because I want to take detailed photographs so I#can remeber exatly what they looked like and recreate them in sims or some other digital way. Why? idk. just to gather the information. If#I ever live to like 80 years old and I'm still reflecting on my life curious about the dteails of it. I want to be able to fire up my#ancient windows 10 laptop I've kept all these years and open up the sims 4 and tour my old home with accuracy etc. ??#Not sure why really. Maybe an extension of how I generally care a lot about having an 'accurate' view of things? Like I would rather be#accurate than be happy. I don't understand 'ignorance is bliss' because I would always rather know. I always always in any situation am mor#focused on 'what is the well researched practical truth' than about 'how does this make me feel' or etc. Truth above ALL else even if it#were to make me miserable. Aka why I'm a 'boring' 'annoying' 'UM actually..' type of killjoy lol because it's very hard for me to understan#that some people can enjoy something or have a good time even not knowing the full facts of a situation or etc. BUT anyway. since that is#some core driver of my personality for whatever reason (just the plague of ennegram type 5 perhaps lol) maybe that also drives me to my#kind of minor obsession with like 'I must have a complete view and calatoguing of my life that is as accurate as possible within the means#i have' . Is it REALLY important for me to know the exact layout of on of my first childhood bedrooms? no. materially it does nothing for m#in life. BUT hey. it would make a great addition to the Accurate Life Story Catalogue lol. ANYWAY.. But I think a lot of wanting to live in#one place forever is not just the ease of documentation. but the sense of having a constant. Much of what i crave most in life is stability#& familiarity &routine bc of how my brain works. And it just would feel so good to be Settled. Never uproot again. One little place FOREVER
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Ngl, I really think that these bylers that are crying 24/7 about "purity culture" or whatever, are playing dumb when they start with their "but Nancy and Steve were 16 and 17 in that scene of s1!!!1" like... We got introduced to these characters at that age and the people playing them were already adults. So yeah, sorry but I think it's easy to see why most viewers would be uncomfortable with a more sexual scene of Mike and Will and it's not automatically homophobia, I think that would be the case with any of the kids since we got introduced to these characters when they were 12 and the actors were babies as well. We literally saw those kids grow. And I'm not saying byler should only get to peck or hold hands, It'd be cool if they have their epic kiss or whatever, but Will hasn't even had his first kiss yet and some of these people are already talking about sex scenes, like... Be for real 😭
funny you should say that...because i've used the nancy was 15-16 in season one argument (last tag) before while also saying that i understand why people find the sex part of their sexualities uncomfortable to discuss. and i wanna reiterate that, again, i totally understand that people feel like they've seen them grow up etc etc and that they still think of the actors themselves as children even thought they're not anymore.
i don't think it's all homophobia because like you said, people would probably feel the same about lucas and max and discussions of sex (i don't know if anyone is discussing that because there's much less discourse to have there and you can't argue that people are homophobic if they disagree with you) but i don't think it would be justified either. the "but we knew the characters when they were little" argument makes me think me of an ancient disney channel/abc show that old people and girl meets world fans who watched it for the first time in the 2010s will know, boy meets world (1993-2000). classic comic of age show, look at these kids. and eric in the back (he's fifteen).
they're eleven at the start of the show and then, what happens in any coming of age story happens, you guessed it...
they grow up. this is them in the later seasons, when the main characters are still in high school i think. they grow up, they talk about sex and about having sex at prom in season five and then they don't have sex right away because they figure it's not the right time yet or something like that, and then they have sex later and get married, the details don't matter. but my point is, who watches a show for five seasons, over years and years and gets upset at the main characters having sex because "this is crazy they used to be children"? isn't that the point of coming of age stories that cover multiple years or that focus on the latter years of adolescence, that they're not children forever and that at one point the characters "come of age" which usually includes their first sexual experiences?
i don't think the having sex part is particularly important in stranger things but also it doesn't have to be for it to be portrayed (see jonathan and nancy), teenagers have sex, it's just the way the world works. i'm not advocating for sex scenes of any kind especially because stranger things isn't a show that features a lot of sex in general, the only "explicit" sex scene being nancy and steve in season one with cuts to barb dying, but i genuinely don't think the duffers would have any qualms about portraying teenage sexuality in general with the party. if they did, they wouldn't have included erica threatening lucas to tell dustin what she found under his bed (it wasn't the communist manifesto) and they wouldn't have had max looking at a shirtless steve for an amount of time that's supposed to make the audience laugh. it's been 7 years. if they do a time jump, the babies will be about 17, played by actors who will all be around 20, the age natalia was when filming season one. the characters are teenagers, babies grow up. it happens to the best of us. i get why people would find it uncomfortable and maybe i would find it uncomfortable too but i wouldn't be scandalized. the duffers had no problem having a child actor portray everything will goes through in seasons one and especially two, i really feel like sex is fine and...not traumatizing or hard to watch compared to every single thing will's gone through lol. and again, i'm not even expecting them to have sex lmao, but i wouldn't cry myself to sleep if they revealed that everyone in the party actually knows what sex is.
last question: do we have any indication that jonathan had talked to more than one other girl (the girl at the halloween party being the one girl i'm counting for him) before he got together with nancy. i'm just asking because of your last sentence, because if we don't he should have slowed down also😭
#yes i'm back to calling people old for no reason. <3#saying that they will all be around 20 isn't a stretch because noah's turning 19 in 4 months and they haven't begun filming yet. thank you#i'm not mad at you anon sorry for not really agreeing with you and again i get where you're coming from and i don't even expect them to#have sex and if they did i would expect it to be implied like jonathan and nancy but yeah#what i mean when i say it's not particularly important in st is that i don't think they need to have sex for will's arc to be complete or#anything😭#i would've been happy with jonathan and nancy only kissing in s2 like idc yk it's a detail#i'm not advocating for sex scenes means HERE in this case i'm not anti-sex scenes in general lmao#i didn't watch bmw over years and years i watched it in like. a month and a half maybe i really was not crying when cory started wanting to#have sex and i was 15...an impressionnable kid who knew what sex was...disheartening i know💔#<- that wasn't me making fun of you anon lmao again i get where you're coming from i just respectfully disagree#i looked up the episode where they have sex and (spoiler alert lol) cory and topanga end up only having sex on their wedding night i think?#and that's not the episode in s5 i'm talking about but they consider having sex and talk about it so still bringing that one up#i found an article about something rider strong (shawn) said about not liking this episode because while they talk about sex at length they#never talk about safe sex and he even talked about his concerns to the showrunner because he thought it was irresponsible since yk young#viewers and all that and he was like maybe you don't get it different generations mine grew up with aids and everything this is really#important and he brushed him off! i thought that was interesting. this has nothing to do with st#ask
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i am feeling emotions
#went out just with dad for work and there was an accident and i saw this man covering the eyes of his both kids like yk#trying to make them look away worried#and then there's us who haven't properly looked at each other for 15+ days now#more like i didn't but i had my reasons and we barely even speak except when it's absolutely necessary or academic related#and i was just hoping this got over soon so we'll not have to be so awkward and close to each other#and then i see those kids with their father it's like#when was the last time you ever voluntarily tried to protect me from something when it actually mattered or when it did not relate to your#dreams like i don't even remember having you in my childhood#like there was a man who visited us for a month or two in a year and i thought i knew him and i thought i loved him but all that love was#literally me trying not to get in your way or make you angry trying to be proper perfect adult child so once in a while you could and go#yes i approve of you#i remember asking you that when was the last time you actually willfully asked me if i was okay and your response was well you're never okay#so what's there to ask must've been a very small thing for you but it wasn't for me#and i stopped expecting after that dw but it's even worse now#sorrys come in form of food or books or indirect remarks but sigh why am i even thinking about this#dni#mine
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i'm so angry and heartbroken and i think this is all i will ever be
#no it's not pms :( Jeremy is still missing and i haven't slept well waiting for him#it's getting so cold too#all my ''''progress'''' this year means nothing to me#also my sister is here because she didn't have to work yesterday and today and my brother video called her not knowing she was here#and when she picked up he was all cheerful and happy and it sounded like they video call often#(he texted me only a few times when he moved to the north and not a single time since he moved to Argentina)#and when he realized she was here he sort of got quiet and asked if i was around and she pointed the camera at me which always makes me sic#so i didn't look or wave and i didn't say anything and he said “she's got he headphones on” and my sister said no lol and it was awkward#then she told him we are all sad about Jeremy and said me in particular#i've been so sad and moody and angry#i can't do anything because of this anguish i feel#can't read or watch movies because i can't concentrate#i watched the emperor's new groove the other day to cheer up a little but it made sad#nostalgia doesn't work for me when i'm down like this because i see through it lol and i remember i spent my whole childhood scared#i remember i was certain something bad would happen to me (and it did but not as tragic as what i was scared of)#i'm rambling. i should be journaling instead#...#Keanu is with me now and i can't even look at him without tearing up because i start thinking about Jeremy#it's so cold and he's probably hungry. if he's even alive#the cats are all i have. i spend more time with them than with the only 2 humans i can interact with without throwing up (mom and sister)#you know how they say cats mirror twhe personality of their humans :( Jeremy is exactly like me. my mom and siblings used to joke about it#he hides when people come over to the house:( he pees himself when strangers touch him :(#we have the vet come over so we don't have to take him out of the house#and the vet is the only person he's forced to see. he pees himself when she touches him too#i can't stop thinking about how he's doing if he's still alive because he gets scared so easily and he's so anxious#i'm so angry because i should go outside and look for him but i can't even picture myself out of this house#i feel so betrayed too. because one thing is my stupid sick head thinking there's no amount of therapy or meds that could work for me#but why is my family listening to me when i say these things. why don't they get me lobotomized or something#anyway#maybe it is a bit of pms
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*walks in, covered in ash and emanating smoke, like a Looney Tunes character after surviving an explosion* hey guys i'm back
#rys.txt#uh. long ass tags that are mostly me venting below#second semester of college down and i think i did even worse than the first one#i've definitely failed at least one class but probably more than that. in fact i can only confidently say that i passed one class#i'm too scared to look at the grades on canvas. everything gets finalized on like. wednesday i think#i'm not getting worked up about it. my dad's gonna be pissed but you know what? i'm also pissed!#i am genuinely unable to focus on my work! i've genuinely tried everything i can think of to help and it has only barely helped!#every time i try to focus on my school work it feels like my brain just disconnects! no matter what the fuck i do!#and if i try to ask my dad for help he's like “just focus on your work” BITCH I TRIED! I'VE BEEN TRYING SO HARD! I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO!#so help me god i WILL be evaluated for adhd this summer otherwise i'm just not gonna fucking go back#MY BROTHER IN CHRIST THERE IS CLEARLY SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME AND THERE HAS BEEN FOR YEARS!!#SORRY YOU WERE NEVER AROUND AND NEVER INTERACTED WITH ME ENOUGH TO SEE IT!! SORRY I LEARNED TO MASK AROUND YOU FOR FEAR OF BEING TOLD OFF!!#ok. venting about my father in the tags aside. things are looking up for me now!! :D#school is over! i don't have to worry about that for another 4 months! my friends are back in town! i have time alone during the day!#I HAVE A DISC DRIVE FOR MY COMPUTER I CAN BURN CDS NOW!! I'M SO HYPE I'VE WANTED THIS FOR SO LONG#I'M LITERALLY GOING THROUGH THIS BIG BOX OF OLD CDS AND FLOPPY DISKS AND SHIT FROM OUR BASEMENT AND THERES BLANKS I CAN BURN!!#MY MENTAL HEALTH IS NO LONGER TOTALLY IN THE SHITTER BABY!! I'M BACK!!
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me vs integration
#wordstag#anyway ramble post 4 the night have been doing more like?????? Whatsitcalled#not shapes n stuff but like. The look. You knwo. Colors n stuff. Been doing more practice with that as of late#which is fun! I enjoy it! But also there's like a . Horrid divide going on here between my realism* pieces#& my heavily stylized pieces . Looks over at my ocs. And I REALLY want to bridge said gap#But I have been struggling SOOOOO hard you have no clue. Guy who's beating the shit out of me#I think the solution is going from realism then stylizing it down. Like relearn everything#which is what I'm inevitably going to have to do I think. But by cod if I'm not going to whine about it#whatever I whine about everything. I'm like if there was a guy and he whined.#anyway what else is going down in Neptune's life. My mom made curry like. A bit ago.#it was pretty good 👍#rereading it this post sounds like smthn a politician would make. I WILL UNINTEGRATE SCHOOLS!!! VOTE ME !!!!#whhat ever I'm trusting you 2 not read it like that .#I drawk like so much water also. I'm hydrated man.#mmy acquaintances birthday is coming up and I don't know what 2 get her. I don't know if she even wants anything really#that just feels awfully cruel thoug#I would loooove 2 paint her something but also I haven't painted in like 842781 years and don't have paints. Nor a canvas. Really unprepare#4 that one; are we?#mmaybe I can try. Trhiugh the power of love anything is possible and such
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eeuuaghh i would like everyone to know that i apologise if i have not responded to your reblogs/mentions/posts on tumblr, i have really terrible social anxiety and for some reason people talking to me makes my nervous system think i'm being hunted for sport by a resident evil boss. sorry if i havent responded i'm not being rude i'm just having a panic attack :P
additionally: social anxiety is actually the reason why a lot of my old posts from late 2022 had weird spacing and spelling mistakes. i was too anxious to type properly
#sorry this seems like a random thing to post but it has been bugging me for a little bit now and i want to post it#and by a little bit i mean the entire time i've been on this website#as for the reason i have social anxiety: i went to a really terrible high school full of dangerous people-#-who were literally like. the worst most bigoted people ever. not everyone there was bad of course but 90% of them were-#-and that stunted by social development by 5-6 years and now every time someone talks to me i feel like i'm about to get murdered#also primary school was. bad. the other kids could sniff out the autism in me and didn't like me for it#this post isn't directed towards anyone specifically but also it kinda is because there's a DM from someone-#-that i haven't responded to in literally 8 months and every time i think about it i get anxious#i'm sorry!!! i'm not trying to ignore you on purpose and i want to say something but my brain literally will not let me out of fear :(#i'm not used to getting talked to directly so every time i do my entire nervous system starts screaming and running in circles#it's kinda ridiculous because it's like. come on. why are you having a panic attack over a message on tumblr it's LITERALLY just words on-#-a screen what are you freaking out about. but also it's like hhhhh unfamiliar social situation scary. help.#unrelated to that but i am very worried about what people will think of me and like i know i really shouldn't worry about that-#-because i can't control what other people think of me and it really shouldn't be any of my or their business. but also-#-i have legitimate trauma that backs my fears up and every time someone is even slightly critical towards me my brain just goes-#-''see? it happened again i TOLD you it would happen again. idiot. you shouldn't have said anything''#and then i hide and cry and lay in bed thinking about how i'm going to die until i suddenly snap out of it and think-#-''wait hang on why should i care. i love being a weirdo on the internet why should i let my anxieties stop me''#and then it happens AGAIN and it's just a viscous cycle at that point#be silly on the internet -> detect slight criticism -> think everyone hates you again -> go back on your bullshit after 3 days of crying#and it makes sense because that exact same pattern happened to me countless times as a child.#be silly in school -> get made fun of for it -> get hated for it -> rinse and repeat until you think everyone is dangerous and they hate yo#if i could put it in a metaphor it would be like me being a little rabbit who thinks everyone is a scary wolf because of their big shadows-#-even though they're all also rabbits and i'm just paying attention to the scariest parts of them because i only know what wolves look like#trauma does fucked up things to your psyche lemmie tell you#social anxiety#anxiety disorder#i'm literally the ''too scared to order food'' stereotype except it's not a stereotype because it's real and every time i look at the 7/11-#-at my campus i go ''hm but what if they hate me for the food i buy there'' even though they're LITERALLY SELLING IT what is WRONG with me#anyway um. social anxiety sucks and i don't mean to not reply ro everyone who talks to me i am sorr y
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the aftermath of having 2 terabytes of storage
#i have never had a computer this nice lmao#i'm constantly so used to automatically assuming i Can't Do Most Things bc most of the time i'm barred from Everything#either by physical skill or money or age or location#so when i got a Nice Computer my brain was like STUFF I CAN DO?????????? STUFF I CAN DO!!!!!!!!!!!!#and just. downloaded all the games i haven't been able to play bc my laptop sucks ass#the dopamine rush. lmao#i can actually play skyrim again for the first time since i was 17 😭#genuinely getting this computer has given me the exact same feeling as finally getting my wheelchair#just the fucking sheer joy of *oh my fucking god i have freedom now. i can actually DO STUFF*#seriously being able to use the wheelchair has made me so fucking happy i don't feel awful when going to the store i can actually THINK#bc i dont have brain fog from having to focus all of my energy on staying upright#and the computer is giving me the same feeling of freedom like. i can actually DO STUFF with my computer and not worry about it crashing#i can record video now!!!! I COULD START STREAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i can actually learn to code because the coding programs will run!!!!!! i can start making datapacks!!!!!!!!!!!!!#can PLAY THE GAMES I'VE BOUGHT OVER THE YEARS FINALLY#FUCKING THANK YOU STEAM FOR LETTING ME KEEP THESE GAMES UNTIL I CAN ACTUALLY PLAY THEM#INSTEAD OF BEING A SHITASS STREAMING SERVICE THAT TAKES AWAY YOUR PRODUCT *AND* MONEY WHENEVER THEY FEEL LIKE IT#like i bought assassins creed odyssey the year it came out and i've never even been able to OPEN it on any of my old computers#i bought Jusant recently because it looks very pretty but the game wouldn't let me download it on my laptop bc the graphics card was shit#i have a bunch of games that I've just hoarded on my steam account for years and now i can finally play them#i can get back to subnautica too!!!! and finally finish out we happy few!!!#anyway im gonna go continue to be insane about this machine i love computers theyre so fun
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do u guys kno. just how much i screwed myself over
#BECAUSE I DONT KNOW HOW TO BE NORMAL?????#listen. listen. i could have just. asked to take two weeks off when i first got the job. but i was scared they wouldn't give me the job#if i told them right off the bat#and so i waited a decent amount of time to tell them. and then i was going to tell them. but i got scared thinking that they might fire me#or it would reflect badly on me and i haven't had the job for even 3 months yet and i have a performance review at the end of the 3 months#and the thing i am scared of most in the world is when people who are in positions of authority over me express disapproval#so i was just like. ok i guess i'm not going on this trip that's been planned for over a year and for my grandmas 80th#i will just be so sad and miserable about it and make it everyone else's problem#and then. and then. finally. 2 weeks left until everyone leaves for the trip and i finally bring it up to my coworkers being like#oh yea my whole entire family is going on a big trip without me and i'm rlly sad that i can't go#and they looked at me like. why cant u go? and i was like. what do u mean? cuz i'm new i don't have rights#and they were like. what is wrong with u#and i looked at them and said literally everything#listennnn there is a corporate heirarchy and i am at the bottom of the ladder#i know my place and i'm so used to groveling and begging oh my god i need to get a grip pls#am i normal#please tell me cuz i can't tell is. it normal to be this scared and frightened all the time#like. am i the only one who thinks this way.
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well I can already tell this is gonna be a bad night
today has just been fucking weird and hard. I'm in a bad mood. everything feels bad. (probably not helped by me not taking the new antidepressant last night so I wouldn't sleep all day)
the plan was for my friend to come over this weekend to help me pack. she did that last time and it helped a lot. (my husband could help, obviously, but he's in charge of other things that also need to get done. plus he's very bad at putting things into boxes.)
but the rail strike is still going on so it's likely that she won't be able to get here (or get back in time). so now that's suddenly a lot more stressful and the one thing that I thought would make it go okay is gone.
and I also have to like. at least reread my thesis a few times or whatever to study for the oral exam on Friday. which will make me want to die. because it is bad. so. that will be bad. and the thought of being asked questions about that piece of garbage for 30 fucking minutes is so horrifying that I genuinely do not know if I will be able to get through it without taking my Lorazepam beforehand (which I know is a horrible idea, and my psychiatrist told me twice that it's a bad idea, and I know it would just make me unbelievably stupid. but holy shit that is the scariest thing I can imagine.)
and of course instead of doing anything useful I'm now just sitting here feeling like shit (like last night, only worse)
#it'd just be so fucking nice if I could just.. have a break#it's just been nonstop awful shit since my dad's cancer diagnosis in 🤔 2015. I'm sorry but that's too long. I can't do it anymore. I just#need some damn time to fucking calm down#like yeah any outsider would probably look at my life and think 'well you haven't actually DONE anything in like 6 years'#yeah that's true#but I've also been sick and/or in pain pretty much since 2018. and some of that was fixed last year when I had my gallbladder removed but i#is still not good. first of all that did not work out so well for me. but also everything else is still not right and no one cares and I#just don't have the energy to fight to get a diagnosis#I'm just so tired#I really thought I'd just. go to uni. get my degree in 3 years like expected. get a job. move out. have a normal life FINALLY for the first#time ever#and NONE of that fucking happened#EVERYTHING WENT WRONG. again and again and again#and I am just. so. tired. I can't. I can't do it.#it feels so fucking pathetic to be like 'my life is soooo hard everyone feel bad for me' when there is just. objectively not that much wron#but it just. never. stops.#I've never had a fucking moment to just. sit down. and think. and make decisions about my life. everything just. happens to me#I just. feel so lost and stuck and doomed and it won't fucking get better! it won't! my life got better ONE TIME and it has been pure hell#since then#like. no. it won't get better. this will keep happening over and over and over#I'll never have a choice. not really. I fucked up my life permanently when I dropped out of school at 18 and tbh I wish I would've just bee#brave enough to do what I really wanted then (killing myself)#because fuck. this is not worth it#literally everyone I love is either really fucking far away or just. fictional.#I have no close relationships with anyone irl#everyone I know irl is mean and kind of an asshole. and I'm too useless to meet new people.#I just. I don't want to survive anymore I want to live but I can't have that so. what's the goddamn point#its gonna be fine. because I'm a fucking coward so I'll never do it anyway. but I fucking wish I could
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