#deserve any of that shit like I cannot begin to emphasize how much this thing ruined her physical and mental health
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2023 Media Thread (Re-do to add a Read More Link)
Spark The Electric Jester 3:
Man I was holding off on spoilers for MONTHS until the holidays when I could get this game, and I only beat it in the beginning of the year and well…HOLY SHIT I didn’t know I needed existentialism in my funny little platformer- Gameplay is INSANELY solid, like honestly some of my favorite platforming controls I have ever used! Music is top notch as well!
Nier Automata: The End of YoRHa Edition:
Holy fuck how did I manage to avoid spoilers for this game for YEARS??? That ending was beautiful~ (Yes I did do all the main endings)
Chrono Trigger: I should preface this by saying I did modify this game a tiiiiny bit to have PS4 button prompts and fixing the Classic filter. Other than that, I can see why it’s a lot of people’s favorite RPG! Short enough in case you wanna replay it, and the foundation of the NG+ system definitely helps incentivize replays! Can’t wait to play Chrono Cross!
Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII:
I binged both FFXIII and FFXIII-2 during October and November of last year, but took a short break to avoid burnout. And well, yeah this game was neat! I will admit though that since there’s no way to REWIND time like in Majora’s Mask that I got INSANELY stressed out but that didn’t take away from the sweet release of seeing these characters I love finally get their well-deserved happy ending :)
Mega Man Zero:
I put this one off and on throughout like 2 years because I just wasn’t good at it, but it taught me a VERY good lesson in perseverance! Really excited to play Zero 2!
Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII Reunion: ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK ;w; Story was pretty…alright for the most part, but I couldn’t feel attached to any of the original characters :/ Honestly my eyes were on Zack just…being real with what’s going on. I may not feel bad for when people he cares about dies, but I can EASILY emphasize with him because I know that HE knows them. Knows them more than we ever will know. Also the gameplay and music are fucking stellar.
Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes:
I should preface all of this by saying I don’t remember what order I beat all of these in lmao. Anyways my route was Golden Wildfire and the story for it is such an improvement over its equivalent in Three Houses!!! I love Shez so much as a protagonist even if his outfit is a tiny bit dumb.
Final Fantasy XIV: Endwalker
Man I really wanted to like this. And like, music and area wise I loved it! But the story feels…It just doesn’t feel like the finality for all we’ve done so far. I could not care at all for Meteion because they spend approximately like 20 or 30 minutes making us meet them and then throwing us IMMEDIATELY into the angst like, no. This isn’t even a case of “Well I don’t care but I can understand why others do” NO THE GAME MAKES YOUR WOL FEEL BAD AS WELL, MEANING YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO CARE! NO! I DON’T! I was able to at least pretend a little bit to roleplay as needed but man. At least Footfalls and the post-endwalker dungeon themes kick ass though. (Warrior of Light’s name for me is M’bahlon Tia)
Kirby’s Return to Dream Land Deluxe
SO CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE I love kirby games sm and this is no exception. REALLY loved how hard the Magolor Epilogue got at certain points though that was great.
Fire Emblem Awakening
I CAN SEE WHY THIS SAVED THE FRANCHISE WHEN IT CAME OUT!! It’s a REALLY good game! I went with the default male Robin settings since that’s what’s in Smash Bros. And man just, everything about this game is AMAZING!!! Sadly cannot see myself replaying it anytime. I could just load my endgame save and grind out support conversations with other characters or do that…new game plus thing I think it was?
Another Eden: The Cat Beyond Time and Space: Bound Wills and the Hollow Puppeteer
I did this event initially back when it came out (and in fact is the main reason why I played the game in the first place) But I got horrible units and died super often, and revived every chance I got. But losing my save data and getting a better unit HEAVILY boosted my chances of getting through the event and man, it was a lot of fun! I love seeing tiny mona :3 JUST LOOK AT HOW SMOL HE IS AAAAAAAAA
Mighty Gunvolt Burst:
I had a lot of fun with this one! I used one of the DLC characters (I think they’re the Zero character from Mighty Number 9 but) it’s a great romp!
EDIT: ALSO SHOULD MENTION IT FUCKING OWO’D ME
Final Fantasy XV
“Walk tall…my friends.” I got this game YEARS ago but haven’t truly delved into it recently. And well… That ending got to me. It really did. The gameplay took me so long to get used to (especially since I had been more used to the more refined gameplay of Final Fantasy 7 Remake 3 years prior) Music is amazing, love the characters! I just wish the other episodes were finished and weren’t just put in a novel :/
Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door
HOLY FUCK THIS GAME WAS SO COOL. I always heard like, right, about how good this game was but I figured it was just nostalgia talking for people. NOPE. As someone who’s first paper mario game was super (never beat it, I was a really stupid child) and then played Sticker Star (Again, very stupid child but also that game is bullshit because everything is so obtuse and it sucks) But this? This was a big breath of fresh air. I am so excited to go back and play 64 and Super!!!
The Super Mario Bros. Movie
Honestly? Way better than I was expecting. You can FEEL nintendo had a strangle-hold on the movie’s production though from how Chris Pratt in the final movie actually fucking voice acts somewhat (it’s a start), there’s no bad Illumination tropes, Peach is a dragoon, Toad and Bowser easily steal the show, and just, ALL THE REFERENCES WOW. EVEN THE NEWER THINGS. I didn’t see any Paper Mario or Mario & Luigi references though which makes me sad. I hope that if there’s a sequel it’s actually better and doesn’t fall into any traps movie sequels usually do, maybe even say if the other kingdoms from Mario Odyssey are in this universe (and maybe Isle Defino) The movie definitely could have used an extra 20 minutes spread throughout to add more to the main group dynamic.
Mega Man Zero 2
OH MY GOD THIS WAS SO MUCH BETTER BALANCE-WISE HOLY SHIT Cyber-elves requirements to be leveled up were MASSIVELY lowered and the enemy AI isn’t as overly aggressive! Loved the music too, especially Departure and the ending theme which was adapted for the song Clover! Can’t wait to do Zero 3!
WARE WA MESSIAH NARI! HAHAHA!
Mega Man Zero 3 was really good, but either I am getting way too good at these games or they are getting easier haha. Loved the music and gameplay though, and how Cyber Elves were handled here is absolutely the best they have ever been! If there’s any game in this series I am gonna replay, it’s Zero 3 without a doubt! On to Mega Man Zero 4, the last of the GBA era.
Mega Man Zero 4
I finally did it. I beat the entire Mega Man Zero series. While I do not agree with how the parts and cyber elf system were handled, It was not a bad experience by any means! It felt nice following Zero’s character arc throughout these games. I’m maybe gonna take a break before I tackle Mega Man ZX, but hey, I feel like that game’s gonna be fun! It’s the only one I actually OWN on its original hardware after all! :D
Sonic and the Black Knight
This was a fun distraction for a few hours! I had a lot of fun with this! Granted the second King Arthur fight took me an hour but besides that it was a quick and good romp! Probably has one of the best final boss themes in a sonic game I’ve ever heard! :D
The Legend Of Zelda: A Link To The Past
Pretty fun game all things considered, but I didn’t like how punishing some of the design philosophies were in the end parts of the game. Music’s great though! Maybe I’ll revisit it one day, but not anytime soon. Still, can’t say I disliked my experience.
The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom.
Where…do I even begin with this?…It was…genuinely amazing. I was waiting for a sequel to Breath of the Wild for years, and during my high school years I was wondering how they would even follow it up! Doing a sequel to an open-world game is harder than a lot of other genres. But yet….they did it. They somehow did it. Those 6 years of development time more than paid off. It felt…amazing to run around a changed Hyrule from the last game. The mechanics were amazing, and the character development was really cool! The new rune abilities are dope!!! BUT THE MUSIC MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM THE MUSIC OH THE MUSIC IS SO GOOD THE ENDING MUSIC MADE ME ACTUALLY CRY AHHHHHHHH PLAY THIS GAME PLAY IT NOW
Kirby and the Forgotten Land
And here we are! Finally got around to this! It was a really dope game! Loved the combat and music! I even did most of the bonus content and the Ultimate Cup Z, but I kept dying at the final phase of the final boss of that so I just gave up lol, it’s purely bonus content anyways lol. But honestly I loved this game! Can’t wait for the next mainline kirby game!
The Legend Of Zelda: Twilight Princess HD
FINALLY GOT AROUND TO PLAYING THIS ONE! I owned this on real hardware since its release date but never got far. I finally got around to it with the motivation of beating Tears of the Kingdom, and I gotta say, it’s pretty good! Not exactly like, absolutely top tier game that everyone MUST play but, it’s decent! Bosses are a big sour point though. Music was pretty decent, though the final dungeon theme is a bore. Only other current Zelda games I gotta beat are the 2D/Top-Down ones, so maybe I’ll do one of those next! Possibly either Phantom Hourglass or Spirit Tracks.
Pokémon Scarlet
HOLY SHIT THAT ENDING SEQUENCE WAS ACTUALLY COOL AS HELL!!! Like yeah, the game has its decent chunk of technical issues but, holy shit….those last two hours of the main story are phenomenal. TOBY FOX CONTINUES TO BE THE GOAT THE MUSIC HE COMPOSED IS AMAZING! I love how easier it is to capture pokemon compared to Sword and Shield as well. I do like Dynamax raids more as a multiplayer component, but I much prefer the Tera mechanic in terms of PVP. I stlll need to do the post game before the dlc comes out later this year, but all I really got is just the refights against the gym leaders and all that jazz. There’s also the Needle thingies I gotta pull out and the wall things I gotta investigate in order to get the other legendaries, but all I really care about is finishing the core of the main story, I got other games to get to lol. Probably thinking of either Paper Mario or Chrono Cross next haha.
Kamen Rider Heisei Generations Final: Build & Ex-Aid with Legend Riders
Okay so context: my friend @arcadiusdragoneyes is showing me and @darkspine576 Kamen Rider Build since it’s one of his favorites and he wanted to indoctrinate introduce us into Kamen Rider AND IT’S FUCKING WORKING. I only know one part of this crossover, but I think it did a good job of giving across the feel of the other Kamen Rider series very well! Kamen Rider Build is so extra I love it. Can’t wait to finish Kamen Rider Build!
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Porcelain Doll
A/N: My first Steve story on Tumblr! And I think my first every Mafia AU for Steve ever... lets hope this goes well. Enjoy!
Pairing: Mafia!Steve x F!Reader
Word count: 2,909
Warnings: Mentions of weapons, swearing, angst.
(I don’t know the owner of this Gif, but it’s not mine. Just wanted to mention that.)
Being weaved within the world of mafia was a choice that you had willingly made.
When you said 'I do' you vowed to be with Steve til death do you part. Literally. Divorces were not only unheard of within the culture of bosses, it was a death wish. No secret could be leaked by an unhappy wife.
Granted, you had never dreamed of leaving Steve. The perfect man, who was stubborn at times, but you could always break past those barriers of ignorance he occasionally put up. In fact, you could bulldoze right through.
And you were the only one that could. Not Bucky, Sam, or Nat could compare to your ability to have that man breaking down every little secret he had stored in that mind of his. At the snap of your finger with him, your wish was his command.
You only had one duty to do, other than be faithful and loving to your husband: you had to oblige by mafia rules that were set for you. They weren't too overwhelming, it was a very limited amount. But it was enough so Steve could watch you like a vulture, if he wanted to.
And technically speaking, you could play his puppet whenever he pleased, and you wouldn't have the option to say no. He never enforced such power, always honoring your freedom and independence. But right now, he didn't have a choice.
"Babe, I need you to do this." He begged from behind his large wood desk, his study lit by antique lamps which cascaded their light onto polished mahogany surfaces.
"Steve, I will not be in another man's arms." You stated, fighting right back. Your arms over your chest, bottom lip easing out of it's hold with a pout.
"Sweetheart, you have to do this!" He elaborated, on the verge of defeat, his face now looking at the floor as his blue eyes scanned over his two feet, contemplating his next move.
"Do I have to though? Why not Nat, or- or someone else!" You threw your hands up in frustration. "I mean, seriously Steven, you cannot be for real right now-"
"Enough!" He rose his voice, the lion's roar booming through the room and ricocheting on the books and stained glass right into your chest. "You will be doing this. And you do not have an option." He emphasized, slamming his fist down. You flinched at the 'thump' that came as a result of the impact. He took a deep breath settling down, his gaze still facing downwards.
He took a few more breaths, moving his head up to meet your face. His eyes filled with a black void of heartlessness and atrocious intentions transitioned into a wave of calming blue, his pupils frantically searching your face as he realized he had scared you beyond your wildest thoughts. "Baby I-" He began but you stopped him soon after.
"I- I will do it." You choked out, your voice barely above a whisper, eyes filling with warm tears that began to fall gracefully down your cheeks, smudging your perfectly done makeup. You took a deep breath yourself, sniffling just a bit, before turning around and walking out of the study, arms now crossed tighter across your chest, and your feet setting off small pitter patters as you hurried yourself across of the rustic hardwood flooring.
Closing the grand doors behind you, Steve let out a sigh and a huff, turning around "Damn it!" He yelled, taking his large fist to the wall. He never intended to hurt you in any capacity, just like he never intended to punch that now crumbling hole in the plaster wall behind his desk, but mistakes happen. Only this was a grave mistake on his part.
You were rushing to your shared bedroom, quiet sobs leaving your mouth. Covering your face as best you could to try and prevent anyone from knowing, your ran up the glass stairs and to the second floor. "Y/N/N?" You heard Bucky's voice coo. You chose to ignore him and moved even faster than before to your room, where you locked the door. Crashing on the Egyptian cotton sheets, which swallowed you in great warmth and comfort, you sobbed into one of your sleeves, choosing not to subject your pillow to such a burden.
"What the fuck did you do?" Bucky marched into Steve's office, uninvited but not giving a thought to it. Looking behind where his boss and best friend sat, head in his hand, was the very hole in the wall Steve had just caused. “You idiot!” He scoffed, walking over and leaning over his desk. “Why was Y/N just running down the hall sobbing?” Steve took a heavy sigh, not looking up.
“I fucked up, big time.” Steve explained. Bucky rolled his eyes.
“So you told her?” He asked and Steve nodded. “How did you do it?”
“How do you think, Buck?” Steve fired back.
“Judging by your crying wife and the whole in the wall, you fought.”
“Yes, I fought.” He clarified, “I yelled at her. She fought back saying she didn’t wanna do it, I lost my patience.”
“You stupid Punk.” Bucky laughed a bit, Steve looking up with a confused look, “You thought she would react any differently?”
“Well, maybe more cooperatively-” Steve began, but was interrupted.
“You’re asking your wife to go and flirt with your rival in a sleazy little dress that’s basically lingerie with a few pieces of fabric connecting it.” He sighed, “You’re asking the woman who loves you, who would literally die for you to go out with another man, and you expect her to be on board? If she reacted positively I would be more concerned.”
“Well I didn’t think she would react positively, per se.” Steve rebutted, “Maybe just a little more willingly.”
“You still don’t know a damn thing about women.” Bucky sighed, “You have the most loyal, loving, beautiful wife probably sobbing in bed right now because you scared the shit out of her. And you’re gonna sit here and just act like a fool?” He asked, “Why don’t you go apologize? That would be a good place to start.”
“I probably should.” Steve leaned back in his chair, getting up and marching out.
He powered through your spacious and modern penthouse, making haste knowing the time was ticking. Approaching your bedroom door he took a deep breath, standing outside and giving it a soft knock. “Baby?” He cooed outside, leaning into the door to hear you soft sobs, “Doll?” He twisted the knob on the door, noticing it was locked. He sighed with annoyance. “Baby, c’mon now let me in.”
“No.” You responded, holding your pillow in your lap like a child.
“Baby doll,” He softly said, “C’mon now, I just wanna apologize.”
“I said no.” You repeated again, this time more aggravation in your voice. He took a sigh.
“If you don’t willingly open this door up, I’ll open it up for you.” He warned. You huffed, still firm on your decision. “Fine.” He murmured, running back downstairs and into one of the side rooms, where he went in one of the drawers, picking up a key. Running right back, and up stairs, he placed the small metal object in the key hole, turning it and letting himself in.
You groaned, sitting back on the back of the bed, rolling your eyes. “Fuck you.” You spat out at him. He scoffed.
“C’mon babe, we both know you don’t mean that.”
“Please,” You scoffed right back, “If I didn’t mean it then why did I say it?”
“Baby doll,” He sighed, smirking at you, “I love you. And I came here to apologize.” You pouted at him, keeping a straight face.
“Do you mean it?” You questioned, raising one of your eyebrows, looking at him. He nodded. “How do I know?” Your husband walked over to you, laying in bed on his side. You scooted further over to yours, trying to expand the space between you two.
“Baby,” He said softly, his words sounding like music to your ears, but you refused to look at him, “Sweetheart.” He said again, you still refused to move. He took your chin, softly in his large, warm hand. Moving your head to face his, he bent down and kissed you softly. Fireworks of tenderness exploded in your chest, as you hummed out of instinct. He smile lightly into the kiss.
“Because I love you, more than anything in this world.”
“Fine.” You reluctantly sighed, “I forgive you.” You stated, swallowing roughly. “I’m sorry I fought back, I should have gone with the plan.”
“No, I understand why you did.” He nodded, “I shouldn’t have lashed out at you and let you see that side of me. You don’t deserve anything near that.” You nodded, leaning your head onto his shoulder. He tenderly kissed the top of your head, taking your smaller hand in his.
“How do you feel?” Bucky asked with a heavy sigh of disapproval as you looked in the mirror at this tiny black fabric that was a disgrace of a dress.
“Exposed, slutty, sleazy, whore-ish, should I continue?” You turned back to he and Steve, your husband clearly enjoying the view, taking his bottom lip in his mouth, “Hey!” You snapped at him, to which he escaped his trance, “Eyes on mine, not my ass.”
“C’mon now.” Bucky got up, sighing again in frustration. “We gotta go.”
You rolled your eyes, crossing your arms and walking out feeling beyond embarrassed for this apparel. A lot of mafia wives wore similar outfits to the one you had on, borderline stripper. You preferred classy and elegant, this was far from your cup of tea.
Getting out of the solid black car, you took a final deep breath, stepping out to begin playing your loose persona. Black pumps pattered on the ground as your walked into the mansion, your red lipstick curling up into a nice smile as you began greeting people.
The women were green with envy, their eyes filled with both red flames of jealousy and blue waves of fear. The men acted like dogs and pigs, looking you up and down like the cheap piece of meat you were acting out. You hated it, you truly did. Everything about the ordeal was already wrenching enough.
You were greeted by one of the server’s and a glass of much needed champagne. You wanted to down it, let the pain simmer away, but you slowly sipped as a proper lady would. Ironic with the outfit.
Looking around at the large ball room of people chatting, you finally found your target. His ridiculously untamed black hair, barely shaved face lined with wrinkles and harsh eyes were enough to let you know that was Brock Rumlow.
You walked over to him, a small smile on your face despite the pure growl underneath it. Making sure to jut your hips out a bit more, you immediately caught his attention.
“Well, well, well,” His voice echoed to you, as you kindly smiled now across from him, his suit not fitted well you noticed. “If it isn’t Mrs. Rogers.”
“Please, Mr. Rumlow.” You played your character, “No formalities needed, Y/N, is just fine.”
“Hm,” He hummed with brief thought, “I thought the Rogers’ clan always took great pride in the name.”
“Well,” You sighed, taking a sip of your drink, “Some things change.”
“Oh?” He asked, “Like what?”
“Loyalty, trust, one’s pleasure.” You smirked, he clearly caught on. Fast.
“Pleasure, you say?” He inquired.
“You heard me right.” You sighed.
“So why’d you come to me?” He asked again, trying to act dumbfounded.
“You know why, Mr. Rumlow.” You stated. He hummed and nodded once.
“Follow me.”
He guided you through the winding whirlwinds of people, up one of the various grand staircases. Down the darkly lit hallway and into one of the bedrooms.
You didn’t want to jinx yourself, but so far this was too easy. Granted, it was Brock Rumlow. He was a loose cannon, the opposite of Steve. Steve ran a tight ship, the organization was established with concrete and stone foundations. Rumlow was some sticks put together. He left paper trails and greasy fingerprint all over his business, leaving Steve a laundry list of reasons to get rid of his rival.
His hands grabbed your hips, and as much as you wanted to pull away, you had to let him have you, if even for the next minute. You pretended to be okay, but no enjoyment was very much visible. He didn’t seem to notice. His hands reached down along your curves, moving and grabbing your ass. You could feel his breath reach your face, his lips inches away from yours.
It all happened so fast. One moment you were about to engage in a kiss with a man you despised, the next you were held at gunpoint in a headlock by the very same man. You opened you eyes calmly, looking around to see a dozen of Steve’s men from all angles, guns pointed at Rumlow’s head. The cool point of the weapon was on the side of your head, your hands tightly at your sides. “Let her go, Rumlow.” Steve walked in, staring at him. “If you wanna make it out alive, let her go.”
He harshly laughed, “Oh please,” He stated, “It’s not like I’d want to make it out alive by your dirty hands anyways.”
“I’m pretty sure I’m not the one stealing other peoples property.” He barked, “So stop touching mine.” You remained calm, keeping your breath steady just like Steve had always told you to do.
The room fell silent. You could feel Rumlow’s fingers move on the gun ever so slightly, prompting you to know he was cocking it. With one easy move, you took your left elbow, smashing it into his chin behind you. He fell back with a groan, gun being thrown which you managed to catch with ease, like Nat had taught you. Cocking it yourself, you pointed it at the man now on the ground.
Looking back, Steve stood in partial awe and confusion at the site. You with the very gun you were threatened with now pointed at your attacker. “Take ‘em.” Steve stated, as numerous men went and grabbed him up, tying him with duct tape as he wailed for help. You walked over to Steve as he walked over to you, his fingertips tracing your jawline, “Are you alright?” He asked, face turning to concern. You nodded.
“Yeah, I’m okay.” He grabbed your waist, giving you a deep kiss, using one of his hands to run it through your once perfectly done hair.
“Where did you learn that?” He muttered, you lightly laughed.
“Nat.” You smirked into his ear.
“Doll you could’ve hurt yourself-”
“Steve.” You insisted, placing one of your hands on his chest, “I’m not a porcelain doll. I married into mafia, I can’t be.” He sighed, looking away only for a brief moment of thought before turning back to you.
“I know you’re not.” He muttered, “I’m just worried.” You nodded.
“I know.” You caressed his cheek with your hand, “You always are.” You both lightly laughed, smiling at each other and lost in each other’s passion for one another despite little to no conversation taking place.
“Uh, hey boss.” Sam walked in somewhat awkwardly, knocking on the door. Steve turned around, hands still placed on your hips as your attention was now on Sam as well, “We might wanna go, like, now, so no one suspects anything.”
“Yeah, right.” Steve dropped his hands from you, grabbing one of yours to lead you out one of the secret back doors and into one of the cars. You squeezed in next to Steve, him placing a hand on your thigh lovingly.
“So, when do I get a raise?” You gazed out the window at the various cars passing by.
“Your raise?” Steve scoffed, “What raise?” You sighed heavily.
“I did most of that job for you.” You rolled your eyes. “Got the target, took his weapon, got him on the ground.”
“Doll, it wasn’t that easy-”
“It seemed that easy.” He sarcastically laughed.
“You’re insatiable sometimes.” He rolled his eyes.
“Using big words now, are we?” You turned to him, “I could use a bigger pay too.”
“Fine.” He gave in, “What do you want.”
“A long weekend, just you and me, no work, in Napa Valley.” He gave you a confused look, “You heard me.”
“Doll that’s a little much don’t you think-”
“Four days.”
“Sweetheart-”
“Five.”
“Honey I can’t-”
“Six.”
“There’s not even that many wineries, I-”
“One week.”
“Fine!” He huffed, “One fucking week in Napa, no work no nothing. Excluding emergencies, where I will make it up to you somehow. Good enough?”
“Nat and Bucky need to be there too.” You retorted, “Staying at a different house, keep in mind.”
“Babe, where will they stay?”
“Steven, you have three houses out there, figure it out.” You scoffed.
“Fine. But that’s it.” He began, “This is your reward for your hard work.”
“Hard work? I would describe it more as flawless.” He eyed you, shooting a glare. “I love you.” You kindly smiled, giving him a kiss on the cheek. “Now when we get home you’re gonna plan that trip, right?”
“What do you mean I-”
“Well, it’s not like it’ll plan itself.”
#steve rogers#steve rogers x reader#steve rogers fanfiction#steve rogers fan fiction#mafia!steve rogers#mafia!steve rogers x reader#mcu#marvel#mcu fanfiction#marvel fanfictio#Chris Evans#chris evans fanfiction#mob!steve rogers x reader#mob!steve rogers#steve rogers x y/n#steve rogers x you#mafia!steve rogers x you#mafia!steve rogers x y/n
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Reign (3)
Summary: harry sees something he's supposed to have
Warnings: angst in the beginning, angst in the middle, angst near the end
Word Count: 4881 words
A/N: @devilinbetweenthesheet-s : dont cheat and don’t do drugs, kids
Tarnish (1) . Halo (2) . Reign (3) . Trial (4) .
Errors (5) . Ruin (6) . Crumble (7)
Error Taglist
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A writer that cannot write is dead.
When one loses the ability to tell their stories and anecdotes through the mere action of swirling words together to create an imaginable atmosphere of real-world fantasy; they are dead. A writer recovering from the mundane and mediocre way of penning experiences to bounce back into what they used to be is difficult. It is easier to free fall and drown in the depths of despair. The moment thoughts and rumination fog up to form a blurry image of conviction is a warning sign, blaring at the back of their minds and sometimes even in their faces.
Harry is a writer--or, he was. Picking up the pen to style the words lingering in his head used to be as easy as blinking; quick and natural. Now, the words claw at the swell of his throat, trying to spit an adjective to describe the way he felt. It was at the tip of his tongue, waiting to be lathed into existence. It did not matter if his cognition was mingled with various chemicals aimed to be able to feel happiness.
He was sober but he had trouble placing his finger on why it was so strenuous to narrate his feelings throughout the breakup. Being high or drunk was never the answer for him. Weed made him tired and made him have a case of cottonmouth. Harry learned from a young age that he should only ever engage with alcohol if he was in a mindset and setting that catered to increase existing good vibes. He thought that maybe he was in an odd phase of perceiving the opposite, and so he intoxicated himself enough to understand that it didn’t matter if he was soaked head-to-toe in sobriety or whizzed out of his mind by the amber liquid swirling in the glass in his hand. But that wasn’t the circumstance. It also didn’t matter if he was grasping his favourite pen to write--because it was comfortable--or tapping his calloused thumbs against his phone keypad. Hell, it didn’t make a difference when he sat down and prepared his typewriter to indulge in a headspace of vintage songwriting. Maybe that would help.
It didn’t.
He had stories to tell. Everything was laid out in misty overcast yet Harry’s great ideas morphed into gentle mistakes, harsh mistakes and discoveries that had him almost ripping his hair out of the roots of his scalp. When he felt the wave of his ocean-thoughts rise and peek where the sand shifted, his fingers were ready to move and discern for the eyes to see. But with each fritter, he couldn’t seem to get even two paragraphs in to decide that it was utter shit.
Harry was old enough to understand that slumping on the wet sand was a part of life. Sometimes picking up a fistful of grains and throwing them back to the sea was a great way to release frustration. But it seemed like this plunge of his ability to write was a hole of quicksand. He was trying his hardest to displace himself as swiftly as possible but it only made his scenario worse. The muddy sand clung unto his legs like sticky glue, heftier with each effort to leave. He wanted to move on. He wanted to forget everything that occurred in the past four years. Harry wanted to erase Y/N from his life because she wasn’t around anymore to bring those memories back to sparkly existence.
What he needed to do was nestle himself into a certain depth, calmly, in order to pull a limb out and ensure that his progress on the so-called ‘moving on’ did not have any drawbacks. Until then, he cannot possibly create songs that he was well-known for if he wasn’t patient enough.
He wanted so badly to tell his side of the story. Harry craved to think as clearly as he did when he told Y/N about his plan for their future. Admitting to his feelings was a hard route. Sure, he can be vulnerable but it took a great deal of convincing on his part to immerse himself in the deepest parts of his brain to understand why he felt the way he did. He usually had the means of songwriting to help him out but that obviously wasn’t working out that good for him.
___
Harry was packing the rest of Y/N’s things in boxes to be picked up later in the afternoon. He was annoyed at first at how she depended on him to fold her clothes properly instead of doing the bundle of the work herself. But he guessed that she didn’t want to be around him for longer than she had to. To be frank, he also did not want to indulge in what might turn into an argument if they spoke about the reason for their breakup. It was just a bit confusing because he had an urge to still want her around despite their less than likely situation.
Torture. If Harry had one chance to describe the way he felt right now; it was torture. With every nook of Y/N’s side of the closet emptying into brown, cardboard boxes--he physically how much she had integrated her life with his. How much space she took up in his life. How his clothes and her clothes were so interchanged between them that he couldn’t decide if the gray pull-over was actually his or hers. And in a moment of selfishness did he tuck it away for his safe-keeping despite seeing the tag imprinted on the inside; a shop that he hadn’t set foot in so it was a guarantee that it was hers.
Her scent embedded in the thin threads of each fabric wafted to his nose; each with a new wave of memories engulfing his senses as if each piece garnered a specific scent tailored to a specific event. Like her sunflower sundress--it smelled of fresh flowers as if the print was a scratch and sniff that released a fragrance. Or their DIY-ed tie-dye shirt of pastel blue and cotton candy pink. It was a matching piece made out of the cheap dye and a simple white tee but it was theirs. Things like these made Harry want to yell in frustration because every time he thought that he was completely over her-- Y/N appears out of visibly nowhere and towers over him.
Seeing her for the first time in days was a breath of relief. She looked fine. Glowing even, and Harry did not know what to make of it. As sadistic as it sounded, he was expecting dry-stained tears and a birds’ nest of hair trampling her head. Instead, Y/N was dressed for comfort in her baggy jeans and an even looser sweater covering her body. Her lips were drawn in a thin line, giving him a nod in greeting as he gestured to the boxes littering the floor.
Harry offered to help--it was the least he could do. And somehow, silence protruded from the tense atmosphere, begging to be cut by a knife yielded through their voices nipping at each others’ emotions.
“Let go of my damn hand,” Y/N stated, her hard stare could turn Harry into stone. He just wanted her to listen before she left.
He shook his head in denial of her request, tightening his grip further. “No. Listen to me, Y/N,”
“What do you possibly have to say that will change anything between us?”
And maybe it was her fault for assuming that he wanted to fix things. The sliver of hope thinly dressed behind closed lids enabled her to think that maybe he was going to say that he wanted to make things work again. That he had broken up with Camille and he realized what a stupid he had done throwing away everything they built up to for the past four years for an affair that couldn’t quench the thirst of his desire to have a family.
Harry sighed, a shadow of mischievous smirk painted on his lips. But maybe it was Y/N’s sight in deception because she could never see Harry as anything other than sweet and kind Harry incapable of hurting a fly.
“What? I don’t intend to. We’re broken. We’re beyond fixing,”
The hitch in her breath was as sharp as the stare he was searing her with. Forcing her to please understand that this would be their last conversation--if time and fate were on their side. “You’re not something I would take the time to handle,”
“Stop saying shit you don’t mean, Harry” Y/N rolled her eyes in annoyance. His macho act was barely an act and more like a stage curtain easily pushed with a flick of a wrist.
“Things I don’t mean?”
“You heard me,” She crossed her arms over his chest in defence, leaning against the closed trunk. “Say what you will but our love was real. Don’t make me seem like I’m crazy. Don’t tell me that I’m a mistake,” Her voice was filled with confidence because she knew the affection that Harry diffused.
The cradles of his palm at the small of her back when they had to walk past a crowd. The subtle graze of the back of his fingers caressing the bare skin of her arm. Kisses pressed to her temple as she read a novel and swirling fingertips twirling her hair. These were acts of love that happened nearly every day in their relationship. A routine that felt different if it wasn’t done to or with each other.
Exasperatedly, Harry felt the same itching crawling up his spine. His ego ballooning into a delicate size and one more word from Y/N’s lush lips would have him on his hands and knees, begging for her back.
“This, us, was a fuckin’ mistake,” Harry’s accent thunked heavily in her cochlea, practically spitting the words out of his mouth as if they were poisonous. Ringed fingers gesticulated the space between them to emphasize how much of a misunderstanding they truly were. “I should’ve known the second things went further than planned,”
Y/N felt her heart drop to her full stomach. The feeling so nauseating that she instinctively palmed her belly over the fabric to protect her little baby from his harsh words. Even though they weren’t directed towards anyone but Y/N. She didn’t think that their unborn child deserved scrutiny from their own father.
“You don’t mean that, Harry.”
Because how could he? Not when he emulated sincerity through his syrupy voice. Not when he spent hours loving on her tummy and spoke to it like he would if she were pregnant. Especially not when every kiss from him felt like a buzz of electricity coursing through her veins because he was the main distributor of her happiness.
Harry truly was an asshole for making her hope and wonder of what the future held when he was unsure himself. He did want a family. That was a statement in all its truthfulness. What he wasn’t sure about was if he wanted a family with Y/N. He could have a family; kids of his own in his own time. But Y/N didn’t have to necessarily be the mother. So was he besotted with the concept of family and marriage regardless of who it was with?
“But I do,”
The rain started drizzling in frequent spurts, planting a fat droplet on her cheek that could be argued as a tear escaping Y/N’s eye. It hurt a lot to hear that from him. The man of her dreams blatantly denying each sugary word because his plans had changed.
“You’re a goddamn mistake is what you are,’
“Why are you. . .saying all these things to me? Are you trying to hurt me?” The shakiness of Y/N’s tone had Harry swallowing his words down his strep throat.
He shook his head in disagreement, “No, I’m not. ‘M just tryna make you see my side. So you can understand,” His head dipped to the side, softening his tone yet stern as though he was speaking to a child.
And that was one of the reasons why Y/N didn’t believe his all-too stoic demeanour about her. Harry was great at making others see his side regardless of how much in the wrong he was.
So why was he struggling?
___
Needless to say, he wasn’t very respectful towards Y/N any other time afterwards. He had unblocked her number months after blocking it at one point and demanded answers that he didn’t have the right to know. In retrospect, Harry was embarrassed by the way he acted. He did cheat on her and suddenly he was a saint because she moved on quicker than he thought she would? Unbelievable.
In his defence, the night he became the drunk caller was the same night he fought with Camille about having children; having a family they can call their own. Ever since that discussion did Harry notice a dispatch in their relationship. It was like they were aware of a missing link that had disappeared in their connection, but neither one of them wanted to be the one to bring it up. Harry supposed that now that Camille knew what he wanted (and vice versa)--she was feeling the pressure of giving in to him. Don’t get him wrong, Harry absolutely wanted a family and he thought that Camille was the right partner to build it with. However, he couldn’t help the voice at the back of his mind slyly whispering that he had forced her to give him what he wanted for the sake of saving their failing relationship.
___
It had been two and a half years since he mildly and miserably accepted that his dream family was being erased like a pencil on paper.
The first year; Harry still clung to the obscure hope that Camille might change her mind of having kids. Many fights sprouted between the two of them concluding in them sleeping at different places for weeks on end until they eventually crawled back to each other like an invisible string. The second-year; Harry brought up the idea of adoption. It was a hard choice for him as he desperately wanted kids of his own. A boy that looked like him and his love or a little girl that smiled at him with deep dimples mirroring his own.
And Harry liked to think that he was just on the edge of convincing Camille to consider the option when his tour was scheduled a few months after. A new dealbreaker was that Harry wasn’t going to be around much to watch and nurture the little bub they might’ve adopted. It was a sudden intrusion to think about since Harry was good with kids. He knew that. That was why he had three godchildren of his own. But what hit him the most was how sure Camille sounded when she yelled at him about leaving for months at a time and returning for a bit, only to leave again. Now, Harry hadn’t considered that part. But surely he will be ready to choose between a family and his career, right? When the time comes, he thought.
___
It pained Harry to admit that his relationship with Camille was dwindling down the drain. The knowledge that there was no future--the one that Harry envisioned--for them was getting more and more real each passing day.
A late-night grocery trip was one of the many examples that had Harry rethinking his actions for the past couple of years. It was the time period where night owls arose and barely any customers littered the aisles. Still, Harry made sure to keep his hoodie up to shield his face.
Camille had an early flight to Milan in just a few hours later that day and she wanted to purchase some things to bring with her; in case they weren’t available in the country. So here they were at three in the morning.
As Camille walked ahead of him in her sweatpants and a plain tee, Harry couldn’t help but let his eyes flicker to the clothing section to his right The first-floor space was decorated with pastel blues and pinks; a stroller was displayed with a price would not make a dent in Harry’s bank account.
“‘M just gonna grab somethin’ over here, Cam,” Harry muttered as he pointed a thumb behind him. She nodded, “Meet me at the produce? Need to get you some fruits,”
Harry felt guilt thudding his chest because although he was losing feelings he thought were written in stone, Camille appeared to care for him the same way she always had.
He walked to the brightly lit area, puffing his cheek as a cute onesie caught his eye, “You’re so golden” with the word ‘golden’ printed in a shiny, yellow glimmer. He smiled at the thought of baby angel cooing at him as he tickled her tummy. Harry passed by the shoes next, picking up a pair barely the size of his palm. His mind flashed back to a conversation with Y/N years ago,
___
“I’m just saying,” Y/N took a bite of a pickle she held on her left hand, “Baby shoes have no business being that expensive,”
Harry chuckled from his place across the counter, “Babies need shoes too, love,’
She grabbed her fork and stabbed a piece of strawberry from her bowl, “I didn’t say the don’t need shoes. For tiny things, they could at least be a bit cheaper,”
Harry watched as she munched on a pickle on her left and took a bite of a strawberry on the other. His tongue poked out in a gag at the odd combination, resorting in glare and a huff from Y/N.
“You should try it instead of judging me,’
“No, thank you. Watching you eat it is enough for me,’
___
Harry craned his head at each aisle, hoping to find Camille and to distract himself from the endless Y/N related thoughts that somehow returned to his brain. He needed his girlfriend to remind him that he cannot just knock on Y/N’s door and ask her about the baby she has. If he could hold them for a bit because his baby fever was through the roof.
Locating the produce section, Harry whistled mindlessly as he searched for a blonde head of hair, failing to notice that there was a basket in front of his feet. He had kicked it, jolting him out of his thoughts in a hurry.
A man with brown hair sporting an outfit similar to his (sweats and a hoodie), chuckled at him as Harry leaned down to retrieve the gray basket filled with a jar of pickles.
“Sorry man,” Harry muttered, holding the handles up for the man to carry.
“It’s alright, it happens,” The guy had not seen his face yet, too busy inspecting the carton of strawberries.
He decided to continue the conversation, “Strawberries and pickles? Odd combo, huh,” Harry was briefly reminded of Y/N’s obsession with the two rival products.
“Yeah, m’lady loves ‘em. Had a craving in the middle of the night. She’s in the car right now with our lil bubba,”
Harry’s heart fluttered at the mention of a baby. He needed to get his rails in check. He cannot keep having his heart bursting with adoration at the mere mention of a baby.
“I’m Connor,” He said, finally facing Harry after choosing the best carton.
“I'm--,”
“Harry!” Both men turned their heads towards Camille carrying a basket full fruits and green veggies, “Got you some stuff to blend for your smoothies,”
Connor squinted his eyes at the couple and Harry internally screamed because he knew that he and Camille had been recognized. “Harry. Yeah, I know you,” The sudden hostility made Harry confused as Connor grasped his basket from him in a harsh manner, heading towards the checkout.
The rest of the time inside the store was filled with curiosities as Harry carried the paper bags towards the car, barely recognizing Connor’s figure heading towards his own vehicle. Luckily, Harry has parked only a few slots away and could inconspicuously watch Connor and his so-called ‘lady’.
Except, Camille was ushering him to hurry up as she still had a few things to pack at home.
___
On most days, Harry was used to waking up alone. Used to feeling the shiver crawling up his side, used to seeing the indent left by Camille’s body instead of her. He had grown familiar with the sudden cast of loneliness blanketing him thicker than the duvet on top of his body.
The early morning trip to the store had tired him out, paired with the overthinking of the man named ‘Connor’ that flipped his attitude towards him quicker than he could kick the grey basket with his feet. He flopped back to the mattress after washing his face and brushing his teeth. It was noon when he jolted out of bed again at the sound of his front door opening, voices filling the empty space that had Harry running towards the foyer in case there was an intruder.
His tense shoulders sagged in relief when he caught sight of his mum and Gemma, “Oh, s’just you guys,”
Both women looked up at him at the top of the stairs, “You forgot we were coming over for the weekend, didn’t you?” Gemma teased as she headed to the living room. Harry followed, walking down the stairs.
He scratched the nape of his neck nervously, “No. . . “
“Can you help me reach this, H?” Anne called out from the kitchen.
His mum gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek, “Yes, you did, by the way. Slept through the whole morning. Good thing Camille let us in before she left,”
At the sound of a bag crumpling and squeals echoing the hollow house, Harry scrunched his nose in curiosity, briskly walking where Gemm was currently holding up tiny baby clothes in front of her. “Who’s that for?” He thought of any possible friends that had had a baby recently but couldn’t recall any.
She immediately stuffed the clothing into the bag, nervously placing a hand on her chest, “Gosh, Harry, you scared me,” Her brows went high on her forehead in alarm, sharing a look with her mum trailing behind Harry.
“Well? Did I miss something?”
“Oh, it’s for one of my friends,”
Harry contemplated on his next words, “D-did you know that Y/N had a baby?” It couldn’t be right if his sister and mum knew about his exes baby and not him, right? That’s just plain odd to still be in touch with an ex's family. His brows furrowed in suspicion as both of them declined his question.
“What? Nooo,”
Awkward silence filtered through the air as Anne sipped water from her mug and Harry was slowly putting the pieces together. Gemme dove to the centre of the couch where her phone was when it rang suddenly, surprising all three of them. Harry was quicker, eyeing his mum and sister and inspecting the emoji substituting as a name before sliding his thumb to answer it.
"Hey, Gems! Are you coming to the park? We're waiting for you,”
Harry felt his heart drop to his stomach just as the phone nearly slipped from his clutch. That voice. He could recognize it from everywhere having spent nearly every morning for the four years that they were together hearing it lulling him out of sleep. It was Y/N’s voice calling his sister who was looking extremely anxious.
He tapped on the ‘mute’ button, “What does she mean ‘we’?”
“Nothing! Give me my phone back,” Gemma tried to reach for the device but Harry held it high beyond her reach.
“I saw the picture you sent me. I told you that you and Anne didn’t have to get me anything,” Harry felt dizzy. “Connor and I got some things a few weeks ago. But that skirt is so adorable!”
One part of him was glad to hear her voice. In fact, Harry found himself smiling too, despite what he just heard. Connor. “Harry, won’t be there right? Hello? Have I been talking to myself this whole time,” Y/N laughed a little; she had a habit of talking endlessly when she was excited. It made Harry more sombre, letting his guards down and his arm in reach for Gemma to grasp.
“Hey! I'm just organizing the clothes, see you soon!" Gemma jammed her finger on the red end call, anxiously glancing at her brother, piecing everything together.
“Who's Connor?" Could it be that the Connor he met last night was the same as Y/N’s? The one who bought pickles and strawberries--one of Y/N favourite food combinations? He mentioned that he had a little girl and Y/N just called to meet his sister and his mum at the park. And baby clothes?
Anne and Gemma looked at each other, quickly deciding that for the benefit of Harry that they should tell him at least a little bit. He was looking as if he was going insane, especially with his bed head pointing his hair out in different directions.
“He’s Y/N’s partner”
Harry gulped, reeling his thoughts to a halt, “Partner? And the baby is...?” The last bit of confirmation was all he needed to lash his feelings out.
“Is... waiting for us at the park! Sorry H gotta go,” Gemma was swift enough to gather all the bags without having Harry chase after her. His state of confusion and shock was enough to render him partially speechless and immobile.
“Hey wait!”
Anne garnered his attention, “Oh, Mrs. Q from next door wants me over for dinner. I’m sure wants to see us both. Why don’t you get ready, Harry?” Anne tugged his arm in the direction of the staircase pushing him to stumble up a couple of steps.
Harry was confused. He made the sounds of his footsteps creeping up the wooden stairs, hearing his mum quietly talking to Gemma on the phone, “Elmsway Park, you said? How long till you're home? I’m not sure how long I can keep him occupied,”
With that being said, Harry was out of his house, silently unlocking and locking the door. He was dressed in some basketball shorts and a graphic tee, slipping on the first pair of sneakers he had tossed aside. Harry jogged to his car, typing in the name of the park on his phones’ GPS. The route was only a few minutes away so he decided to take his time, gathering his scattered thoughts along the way.
He parked just beside the playground scouting the trees around the premises. Harry decided that it was the perfect day. The sun was out. It wasn’t too humid and the birds were chirping on the branches. He could see why the playground was full of children running around in delight. The green patches of grass were partially filled with picnic blankets and food to be shared. Families laughed with each other as one in particular caught his eye.
It made him smile at first, seeing just how adorable the couple was with their baby. He exited the car, making sure to lock the vehicle. With his hands jammed deep in the pockets of his shorts, Harry could feel the tethered grass rubbing against his legs. As he got closer, he couldn’t help the twinge of familiarity spark in his chest, recognizing that what he was staring at was Connor playfully chasing a little girl of about two-years-old as she squealed at how close he was getting to tagging her.
Harry stood by a tree, shielding him away from view. He tried to appear invisible without seeming too creepy. He knew that it was only a matter of seconds before his eyes found the woman he had been missing, whether he wanted to admit it or not.
Connor picked up the little girl in his arms, dotting pecks all over the girls’ cheeks, causing her to giggle and push his face away with a tiny palm. And there she was standing outside the raised platform of the playground, coming up to the both of them with a juice box in hand to hydrate the little angel. Connor turned his attention to Y/N, planting the most adoring kiss on her lips that made her smile so wide and the baby cover her eyes. They laughed together, looking like a picture-perfect family.
Gemma sat on the bench, flickering her gaze to the precious family in front of her and to the figure of her brother walking away from the scene. Her heart broke for Harry, and it cracked, even more, when he turned back. This time, watching Connor and Y/N cheer on baby angel to go down the slide. Both of them clapped their hands in enthusiasm as the girl hesitantly slid down the plastic slide. The smile on her face was infectious.
It almost made Harry smile, too.
___
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What Wretches Call the Law
The chains squeaked and creaked, and I startled awake.
They always made that dreadful sound whenever I moved, whenever the wind blew. It was driving me insane. It was not like sleep came easy for me anymore.
My feet ached. Everything hurt. The iron bars dug into my back as I sat there, with my legs so close to me that I could have held my ears shut with my knees. So uncomfortable.
But I only had two options left. Standing up until almost everything hurt or sitting like this until everything else hurt. I had given out hope of ever experiencing anything but this persistent pain. But I had yet to come to terms with my end.
The bastards left me out here to die. On display for all to see.
Did not even have the decency to hang me first, or quarter me, or whatever else the sick coxcombs come up with next.
Maybe I could have spent more time in pondering where it all went wrong, but I had stopped seeing the point in that. Somewhere in between shouting profanities into the night until I went hoarse, mulling over all the little things I came to regret in life, and sobbing while I pleaded for my freedom, every single peep from my parched throat falling upon deaf ears.
Nobody ever answered.
Only the damned metal chain links squeaked.
So, there I was, hanging inside this inhumanly narrow cage. They called it a "gibbet". Love how they always found the time to come up with fancy names and forms for shit like this. All their riches and all their reading and faith and books, and this is what they filled their lives with.
Rotten inbred scum.
Their twisted sense of justice in putting me here, leaving me here—there was nothing just about it. They were deranged. Their sadistic pleasure in seeing my plight spoke volumes of their madness. The way the crowds gasped, and laughed, and cheered whenever they watched public executions.
I knew. I had been of them, too. At some point.
And all the while, every single one of them would have done the same in my place.
I knew because that was where I had gone.
As well as all the louts who stopped by the crossroads to look upon me there. To point, to talk ill about me, to tell their children that this was why they had to eat their supper and go to sleep and obey whatever they were told.
All cowards. Cowards who either loved to crush the peasants beneath their heel and mock me as they rode by on fancy horses, or cowards who feared the thought of ending up in my place if they helped me or even just dared to question this disgusting injustice.
Little walking piles of shit, all of them.
Even that little girl.
My thoughts had boiled down to these two extremes. Crushing remorse over mistakes I had made, and seething anger towards my captors.
Light and dark.
My skin had begun to peel from all the exposure to bouts of the sun burning down on me, while the cold and gloom of cloudy skies was something I had come to appreciate. Rain remained absent, as if God and heavens had decided to mock me like all the other cowards down here.
Day and night.
That was how my thoughts kept circling, cycling. I had no way of telling what time of day it was, or how long I had been left here.
Left to die miserably. For all to see.
Just like I had lost track of the passage of days and nights, I drifted in and out of uneasy slumber.
Squeak.
Fucking iron. Woke me up again.
There she was. Again.
The little girl.
No ten winters old, I guessed. Filthy, ratty, just like the rest of us who lived their lives in squalor. I began to wonder if she had even had a home where she took the food from, or if she was an orphan who nabbed these bits from townsfolk that pitied her. I wondered if she, too, one day, would end up like me.
Or if one of those bastards would take her life and get stuck in a cage to die, too.
Or if she would just be another one of the sorry souls, trampled underfoot by those rat bastards.
She held up a piece of soggy bread, offering it to me.
The first few times she had brought me any food, I always greedily gobbled it up. But in the beginning, I had held hopes of escaping. I ate only when I still dreamt of getting out from this fucking cage somehow, of getting my revenge.
Now, I would have spat on the little girl out of spite, but I did not want to spare any more spittle from my chapped lips. My mouth felt like sand.
I did not know how much longer I had, but another damned day in this damnable cage was a day too long to suffer through.
I shook my head at her, and she continued to stare at me through those big, wide eyes. Like staring at a doe in the woods, and the doe staring back. Curious and fearful. Frozen as I was, ready to bolt.
Like she knew what I had done but was entranced by it. Or she had no idea and did not understand why I was here. Or maybe the little witch was possessed by a demon who took pleasure in my torment.
At first, I welcomed the morsels she brought me. Usually bread, an onion here, even a chunk of cheese there. At first, I had still mistakenly believed I was getting out of this gibbet alive.
Now, I cursed her misguided pity. I cursed her with every bit of God's body. Anything she gave me only prolonged my suffering. Prolonged my captivity here, not only in this cage—but in this flesh.
I was too weak to do anything, too weak to speak back at people who insulted me whenever they passed my cage anymore. Too weak to hurl back profanities at those who mocked me, or threw rocks, or flung mud and dung pies. I reacted plentifully in the beginning. Colorfully. Sometimes pleaded, even.
But if there was one thing that the Lord had failed to teach us all, I guess it was showing mercy. This I now knew, taking root deep inside my bones.
The little girl shook the piece of bread, emphasizing how she wanted me to take it and eat it.
I guess if I had learned the lesson of mercy myself, I would have had to give the little brat the benefit of the doubt—that she pitied me, and shared food with me, thinking it was just the right thing to do.
That part won out. For now.
I shook my head again. She finally stopped holding out the chunk of bread. Turned around and left.
She always looked over her shoulder back at me when she went away, like I might finally climb out of my cage and follow her. She always showed up alone, no other people in sight. Vanished back into the hills, not taking the muddy roads where my cage swayed drearily in the wind.
Her presence portended something slightly unreal. Part of why I wondered if she was not some devil.
But none of that mattered. I just wanted it to end. All of it.
Not only my own life. I wanted the world to end. I wanted to see it burn, and to hear the screams of people suffering in ways undreamed of.
I wished ill upon all who had wronged me. And as far as I was concerned, here, hanging in this cage and dying slowly like a wretch—the whole damned world was guilty of wronging me.
I had lied, stolen, and slain. I cannot say that I did any of that for good reason. Sometimes I did it for fun. Often, I did it for my own survival and more often for my own gain, reckless of the cost upon others.
But how else was I supposed to live?
Not just survive.
Live.
Was I supposed to work the fields until my bones were bare and my feet bloody? To accept my place in life? Watch as others lived high and mighty, looking down upon us from their grandiose castles, taking from us because of the blood and loins they were born of? Leave alone all the things they have and do not need, so many that only the Lord almighty can keep an eye on it all and they need more servants to watch what they believe is theirs?
Craven toads.
Of course, I would steal from them. Of course, I would take their rotten children for ransom, and kill one of them when it came to saving my own hide. If those liver-eaters could get fat on the food we decked their tables with, then they certainly could fuck whomever they wanted to, to spawn more of their little rat-fucking offspring to continue their awful legacy.
Cowards. They would have done the exact same in my position. Any of you who want to tell otherwise, why are you lying to yourselves?
The only difference between them and us was the golden spoon that fed them from cradle to grave.
For when they stole, raped, and murdered, it was just. When we did as the example they led with, it was crime.
I regretted none of that. Think of me as a terrible creature, and I will not argue with you. That is not my place. Think of me as a terrible monster, that I have come to embrace.
As I awaited Death to greet me, sitting in my hanging cage, I only felt the occasional pangs of remorse over other things. My things.
The time I watched as the other children bullied a friend, and I joined in on it with them. How I should have done something. I could tell that he never looked at me the same away again ever after. And here, of all places, I wondered what became of him. Would he throw the first dung pie if he had the opportunity?
The time I broke a friend's nose in anger, and we never spoke again afterwards. I had overreacted, and he never deserved that. His wrathful gaze and bloodied face, I will never forget. I wondered if he still loathed me, wherever he wandered now. If he even walked this earth anymore.
And the time I made my darling cry, and never saw her again but doors closed on my face, angry shouts muffled by the wood. Owed to mistakes I had made all on my own, with nobody else to blame. Though I would never apologize for where I wandered in my life before and after, I would never strike her again. Those eyes, so filled with accusation, so cold and unforgiving for all the times I had wronged her, I had learned from those mistakes and would nary repeat them.
My sadness stemmed from those moments and filled my quiet loneliness now, thoughts I had not afforded much space until I had wound up stuck in this cage where I would die.
I was not a good person, and never would be. The longer I lingered here, the closer Death crept to my tiny prison, the smaller that remorse shrank. The shorter the bouts of sadness.
With this justice? This mockery of justice?
No. By now, I felt only anger. I had no more energy for it to burn bright like a flame.
All that was left of it was something seething and cold and almost sinister.
Oh, the things I imagined doing to people now as my last moments waned, and I drifted in and out of depraved dreams thereof.
Squeak.
Fucking iron.
Night had fallen, and I struggled to stand again, finally relieving my back of the pressure from the cage's bars. Within minutes of standing in the gibbet, my feet began to ache.
My stomach had long stopped growling. Funny, that. Never realized that it only growled after I had eaten. Now, that I had gone without nourishment for God-only-knew-how-long, all that my belly had become was a pit from which sharp spikes of pain shot out every now and again, stabbing at my insides to remind me of my coming demise.
I gripped the bars of my cage. And that was that.
No longer did I try to bend them, no longer did I possess any strength to even dare dreaming of such folly.
Death awaited me.
The shadows in the mist between the hillocks, they sometimes took the shape of people. Like the silhouette of a person. Standing still. Watching from afar.
Death.
When I came to next, it was gloomy again, light out.
I hated everything. Everyone.
A horse carried a nobleman down the crossroad. Hooves kicked up muck and the bastard turned his nose up to look down at me as he passed by. Pure disdain and disgust, judging by the lop-sided sneer across his visage.
Never seen him before but would have murdered him in a heartbeat over some food. Especially now. Or—my freedom, rather. Food only meant further torment, I reckoned.
Food without freedom only meant that Death took his time. Took longer to finally approach me.
The lousy nobleman in his bright and colorful cloth offered no prolonged stare, ignored me on his ride, gaining distance quickly. Had somewhere more important to be. Had others to gossip with, and perhaps speak derisively of me.
Now swallowed by the fog.
Squeak.
Next, I remembered, I was sitting again. My back no longer hurt. My eyes did not open.
Yet I saw.
I saw everything from here. Floating beside myself, studying the husk of my former being. Oh, how pathetic I looked. I wondered how many days lay in wait between my passing and my body turning into a skeleton. Knowing the scoundrels who had done this to me, I knew they would leave it there as a reminder.
Do not cross the crown, or you shall find yourself in the gibbet, just like me.
But my body was not alone as I hovered there.
There was that girl again. She could see me—not in my new form—thus she held up some bread to my body. Then she lowered her hand, seeing that my sorry carcass offered her no reaction. The deathly, vacant stare in my hollow eyes. The crows already cawed in the distance, hungry to pick the jelly from my skull.
The shadow of Death had long come and gone. But in sending only his shadow, so did I remain, a shadow of my former self.
My time in this flesh had passed.
But I now understood the potential. Felt something when I should have felt nothing anymore.
A thirst to dwell longer and unleash my wrath. All I needed was a way back.
That spark of curiosity. That open little mind of hers.
I could taste it. I could touch it.
And she could not see my shadow, growing as the sun set, crawling across the dirt, and reaching out like dark thorns.
I took control. I entered her head and took over. Saw through those big wide eyes. Studied my tiny little hands and wondered what I could possibly do with them. Wondered next if I could take another body, bigger and stronger than hers.
She still had all her teeth. Soon I knew her every memory.
Had I known this possibility, perhaps I would have welcomed Death sooner.
And without a body to tether me any longer, I would have my revenge.
I would make them pay.
All of them.
Now, I know you look at me in disbelief. I have seen so many faces like yours before.
How can this be?
Well—kill me. Cut me down. End my life and find out if my yarn is but a strange tale. I dare thee.
But when I return to haunt, I will remind you. No matter the face. I will admit that I lie, I steal, and I murder, like anybody else. Even if man gives me no right to. And whatever justice you think there is, it is an illusion. Justice serves only the strong and the wicked.
I will wear another face, and I will speak, with pride, "The flesh is a cage, and I am here to free thee from it." I will remind you of this tale as you weep and beg for mercy, and you will know for certain.
There is only what wretches call the law.
And then there is me.
—Submitted by Wratts
#spoospasu#spookyspaghettisundae#horror#short story#writing#my writing#literature#spooky#fiction#submission#dark fantasy#isolation#helplessness#crime#punishment#cage#gibbet#medieval#justice#injustice#evil#parasite#trapped#imprisoned#left to die#making an example#spirit#ghost#demon#monster
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we're going to be alright
a @geraskierholidayexchange fic for @ electricrituals
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Current theories on the all-around assery of circumstances surrounding Jaskier’s predicament vary and change depending on who asks.
If one were to ask Yennefer of Vengerberg, she’d say that Jaskier is an idiot and sticks himself in shit he should not be poking into. That he’s an annoying bard who doesn’t shut up when he’s supposed to and she’s certainly not going to save his ass anytime soon and he may as well learn a lesson or two from this.
She is correct for Jaskier’s general going about in life, but in this certain case, her theory is wrong.
If one were to ask Ciri, she’d say that Jaskier means well, but, in the most Ciri-esque and polite-one-grew-up-amongst-nobletry way, she would also add that Jaskier may just have bad luck.
Ciri’s theory is also wrong. Jaskier has impeccable luck, thank you very much.
If one were to ask Geralt, one might get a grunt out of him and possibly, if one were feeling rather lucky that day, a syllable. Probably one syllable to convey that Jaskier is the worst friend in the whole wide world and he cannot stand being out of the spotlight so of course he would jump into this hot mess of a Nilfgaard kidnapping, and likely all this is encapsulated by a simple fuck as a response and please, Geralt, think of Ciri and watch that tone.
Geralt’s theory is wrong too.
The whole business is poppy-cock and wow, Jaskier is truly the master of concealing his inner workings of his great and brilliant mind. This leads to two explanations:
Firstly, like Melitele, Jaskier moves in mysterious ways and he calculates many scenarios and chooses the best one that would lead to the best results.
Secondly, Jasker’s terribly in love with Geralt and will throw out all logic out the window in any efforts to help Geralt.
Jaskier predicts as much of the following for how this night will turn out: he’s going to avoid unnecessary risks, he’s going to outsmart many bad guys, he will look absolutely dashing saving everyone, and no one will find out about his pesky unrequited love issue ever because if he’s buried it and bottled it up for twenty years, he can do it for another twenty then.
His predictions are correct on every bit except for the unrequited love part.
---
It was not a difficult and perilous night. It likely should have been, but that’s Destiny for you. For every dozen of terror-defying and dangerous missions Geralt throws himself into, there’s one easy-breezy adventure for Jaskier. Just because the night is mild does not mean there are no villainous forces at play and people out to kill Jaskier’s friends. It just means Jaskier’s more clever.
“Well,” Jaskier says, “aren’t you going to get out?” This dungeon is dreadfully drab and Jaskier’s feeling cold and slightly peckish.
“Bard?! How are you here?” hisses Yennefer in her Dimeritum shackles. Ciri blinks blearily next to her in the locked dungeon cell. Geralt looks constipated, but Jaskier isn’t sure if that’s another one of Geralt’s signature looks or because of the shackles he’s in as well.
Jaskier rolls his eyes on the other side of the cell. “Yes, Yennefer, lovely to see you in this Nilfgaardian nobleman’s castle. Would love to catch up since Geralt’s mountain tantrum, it’s been what? A year? Two years? Time flies when you’re all clearly having fun, doesn’t it? Look, you’ve even leveled up and gotten what I can only assume is your child surprise. Lovely to meet you, my dear, lovely weather isn’t it tonight?”
“Are you Jaskier the bard? Geralt’s bard? Are you going to free us?” inquires Ciri with eyes full of hope.
“The cell’s locked and our chains are enchanted,” Geralt frowns.
“Boring,” Jaskier says, and he picks the locks open while chattering away. “You’re very lucky I passed by and heard wind of your imprisonment at the tavern I was in. Even more lucky that there’s a party going on upstairs to sneak from and I’ve drugged the guards’ wine.”
Jaskier takes a bow and the cell doors swing open. He swings the keys to everybody’s shackles around his finger and Geralt looks gobsmacked.
“Now,” Jaskier says, “shall we? I’ve got enchanted glamour rings for everyone and we’ll just walk through the front door.”
---
Everybody’s sitting around a table in an inn far, far away from the Nilfgaardian castle and they’re all looking a bit dazed. Jaskier’s ordered everybody food but he realizes they all may be still processing everything.
“We’ve escaped,” Yennefer finally says. She picks at the inn’s food a bit.
“I mean, we’re rather far from Nilfgaard forces and you’ve portalled us to an inn in gods know where so yes, I assume you’re all freed,” Jaskier replies matter of factly.
“You saved us!” Ciri says with adorable eyes and great gratitude.
“Well, I suppose I did, didn’t I?” Jaskier says happily. “Not so bad for a bard, eh?” Jaskier turns to look at Geralt who still hasn’t done much besides stare at Jaskier.
Jaskier sighs. “Everybody should eat up. You could use it given where you’ve all been. I’ll go see about getting us some rooms for the night. Not to worry, I’ll be gone in the morning.”
“You’re leaving so soon?” Ciri frowns.
“Ah,” Jaskier begins. “I wouldn’t want to intrude anymore than I already have and well, me leaving as soon as possible would be to everyone’s liking.”
Ciri looks sad, Yennefer raises an eyebrow, and Geralt begins to open his mouth, but Jaskier is quicker and leaves the table and heads to find the innkeeper.
There is a trick to avoiding more heartbreak that Jaskier has learned. If he isn’t here long enough, then there isn’t enough time for Geralt to say that was highly dangerous and stupid or don’t follow us, bard.
“How many rooms will you be needing, sir?” the innkeeper asks Jaskier. She does look lovely and if the way she’s giving the rather flirtatious grin is any indicator, Jaskier may have a good time tonight after all this heroic saving he’s done. Perhaps it would dull his heartache. It hasn’t worked before, but if Jaskier knows one thing, it’s that if he tries ignoring the same thing multiple times, it might end up working.
“Thr--”
“Two rooms,” Geralt in all his glamoured up appearance and deathly glare at the innkeeper. The man pops up next to Jaskier rather suddenly and puts an arm around Jaskier. “One for our daughter and her aunt, and another room for me and my husband. We’ll be needing a bath drawn for our room as well.”
The innkeeper looks sheepish and scatters fast to get the rooms in order and Jaskier is bewildered.
He’s so bewildered, it doesn’t dawn on him to have a row with Geralt’s wildly odd behavior until he’s in their room and Ciri pops in while Geralt is settling down his swords and armor.
“Are you alright?” Ciri says Jaskier concerningly and adorably.
Jaskier sighs. “You know how adults love to lie and tell you that everything’s going to be alright even though it’s not?”
Ciri worryingly replies, “Yes?”
“Everything’s going to be alright,” Jaskier says. He turns to Geralt, walks up to him, and points a finger at his chest. “Now, you! Who do you think you are?”
Ciri quietly slinks out of the room and closes the door behind her.
Geralt, a man of many facial expressions, frowns again but Jaskier does not care.
“Husband? Really, now? What have you to say about that? We’ve gone from ‘it would be a blessing to get rid of me’ to fake husbands? You couldn’t bother with being fake lovers first? Where’s my fake wedding, Geralt? Hmmm?” Jaskier pointedly says. To further emphasize his rage, Jaskier still pokes his finger harder at Geralt’s chest even though he knows it won’t do anything.
Geralt catches Jaskier’s hand and holds it with both of his own. Jaskier huffs and looks away.
“Thank you for saving us,” Geralt says at last.
Jaskier stills. “Well, the way I see it, no one has to get tortured and die.” He gives Geralt a grin.
“You could’ve died,” Geralt continues.
Jaskier looks back at Geralt and quips, “Would’ve been the dream for you, eh? Very sorry, friend, but screw dying.”
Geralt shakes his head. “Jaskier,” he says and rubs a thumb in circles on Jaskier’s hand. “You sneaked into a Nilfgaardian castle, drugged the guards asleep, pick-locked the cells, and freed me, Yennefer, and Ciri. That was brave, bard. Thank you.”
Jaskier’s heart beats rather annoyingly loud and his cheeks burn.
“Careful, now. That’s more words that you used to say to me in a month. I couldn’t let Destiny’s favorite power couple and their child bite the dust this soon now, could I? It would make a very unhappy song,” Jaskier sighs and breaks free of Geralt’s grasp on his hand.
“I’ll be gone in the morning. Frankly, I have no idea why you wouldn’t just let me order three rooms back there with the innkeeper. It’s fine, Geralt. I’ll be out of your hair soon enough,” Jaskier rambles.
“Stay,” Geralt says.
Jaskier’s eyes widen. “What?!”
Geralt steps forward into Jaskier’s space and tries again. “Jaskier,” Geralt says, “For the mountain, I am sorry. You didn’t deserve it. You deserve better. Stay with me. I’ll swear on it to treat you better.”
Jaskier tears up. “Geralt, I - well, it’s alright.” He looks down and continues, “You’re forgiven, you know. You’ve been forgiven a long time ago. Don’t have me stay out of guilt.”
Geralt shakes his head. “No, it’s not. Jaskier, I have missed you.”
Jaskier looks up with watery eyes. “Alright,” he whispers.
Geralt smiles a little and says, “Yennefer and I aren’t together.”
Jaskier laughs. “No?” he asks.
Geralt says, “I didn’t pretend to be her husband in front of the innkeeper.” He puts a hand up and holds Jaskier’s face in it. Jaskier leans into it, heart rapidly beating more so.
Geralt continues, “Jaskier, I have truly missed you. Stay and I can show you how much.” He leans in closer, pauses, and asks, “Alright?”
Jaskier gently says, “Alright.”
Geralt closes the gap between them and kisses Jaskier.
Jaskier kisses back and thinks that they can certainly manage with this kind of alright.
---
Notes: Heavily influenced by the Good Omens writing. Fic title is from the Ariana Grande song. I own nothing. This is a gift for electricrituals who likes fake dating au and competent!Jaskier. Albeit, I went mainly heavy on the competent!Jaskier, but I hope you like it! Happy holidays!
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Like in both Eternal and Future End or whatever the fuck (there seems to be a lot of ‘futures’) Bat & Eddie’s interactions are miserable. Especially in the former, which I express just how fucked up it felt reading it. (View post here) But Confidential brings me the content I want to see,, whilst I do have one issue with it. (tbf? As much as I LOVE the idea of Eddie being protective of Bruce, & not wanting to kill him when he has the chance. It just seems... Unrealistic. Not to mention, Eddie mentioned needing Bat for an audience for the “riddles” he gives. And that feels... too similar to J0ker needing Bat.) But other than that...
It was just a lot of fun, and wholesomeness. A compassionate hero working with a likable villain. Whilst the hero can get annoyed and angry at the villain, it was always for reasons the reader can understand, and even empathize with. Because most of the time, Eddie either deserved it for being insensitive, or... Bat had a right to be skeptical of him. And even then, when Bat would assault or be aggressive with Eddie, it was more understandable as Eddie wasn’t alone, he was intentionally getting close to the potential victim even after Bruce said DO NOT. And Eddie being... Eddie. It was understandable why he’d get apprehensive about this. Not to mention, Bat wasn’t even particularly cruel here, just kinda firm. And Eddie himself wasn’t literally scared, screaming, or on the verge of fucking tears. He was either casual about it himself, or even smiled and cracked jokes. Not to mention, Bat never seriously harmed Eddie at all. He was protective of him when real danger arose, and he never broke any of Eddie’s limbs. He only did what he could to stop Eddie when he thought Eddie was legit going to do something bad.
Therefore, Bat still feels like the hero here. Yes, Bruce DID fuck up big time by not listening to Eddie’s warning in the beginning, and therefore leading to a victim’s death. However, this flaw feels like a fine, and again, understandable one that doesn’t completely ruin Bruce’s status as a compassionate or good guy who oftentimes bitter still. We as readers can understand why Bruce wouldn’t take Eddie’s warning, especially if Eddie could be behind it all as it seemed similar to his own crimes.
This was an enjoyable read.
In other ones, like Eternal...
Seeing Eddie literally this scared, with a broken arm, not even really around other people he can harm. I mean, they appear to be out in the middle of fucking nowhere here. And as I pointed out in the post I linked - the way Bruce talks to him “having FUN??” Then like... showing no compassion when Eddie broke his arm, or the fact that Eddie seems to be TERRIFIED because he legit thinks he’ll DIE if he returns. And also him doing all he can to insist he doesn’t want to fight, he doesn’t want either of them hurt - yet Bat still being... so aggressive toward him, so cold like the location they’re in. It’s just... not fun at all to read, or entertaining for that matter. It’s just depressing as hell watching a victim of abuse who typically cannot fight being helpless, and even practically crying about being helpless and pointing out how sick Bruce is for basically taking his frustration out on him. Then reading our “”hero,”” Bruce be such a cold, apathetic bastard, too. Like Bruce is a problematic man... but once he gets so bad, he just leaves villains for dead, never listens to them, and just hurts them even when they’re literally this upset? It’s not enjoyable to read.
In fact, this comic itself is a perfect example of what Grant Morrison was criticizing in Animal Man #5 / Coyote Gospel. It was from ‘88... yet it’s clearly still relevant. The comic was about a Coyote from a Loony Tunes like world who gets rejected from his world by the “creator/author” and he’s sent into “modern” comics life. In it, he accidentally gets a truck driver’s family killed because the truck driver accidentally ran over the coyote. (Who can “heal” back to life in disturbing ways.) & a car crash assured. Because of this, the man devotes his life to nothing but trying to kill the coyote. This is my absolute favorite panel(s) from the comic;
Is the truck driver trying to kill the coyote. Why I love this panel so much is particularly him mentioning his hands trembling. Then saying “why won’t THEY stop?” Emphasizing on THEY. The man isn’t referring to his hands anymore, he’s referring to everyone involved in the comic. The writers, the artists, the readers. Because he doesn’t want this. Both of these characters are absolutely miserable, there is nothing positive about them. Therefore, Truck Driver is asking himself, why is this enjoyable? Why are the writers still doing this? What does this even mean other than shock value and why do people eat up meaningless shock value? In the end, both characters meet their fate, never positive once, always miserable, always bloody and grotesque.
You might be wondering “Wikia, what the hell does Animal Man even have anything to do with this and where is this rant even going?” Well, the thing is. I feel like in this case, Eddie was the coyote, and Bruce was the truck driver. Both are bad people, at this point, irredeemable people who only made each other’s lives miserable. And for what? What meaning does this have? What purpose does it have that Bruce is practically reminiscence of Eddie’s ABUSER? And that Eddie has done irredeemable shit in previous comics before? Bruce having compassion for the villains made sense as you can understand it, and it made him feel heroic. Bruce didn’t kill before, and would actually talk with his villains because he saw them as victims and wanted to help them. Hell, you can even argue that Bruce... saw himself in them. Most his villains, like himself, were created out of tragedy in the city of G0tham. G0tham ruined them all. And perhaps Bruce realizes that he could’ve easily been a J0ker, or a R!ddler. But instead, he just happened to be a Batm/an. And perhaps he feels sympathetic towards them because of this. But with him being so cruel to not only them, but oftentimes even being abusive towards the Robins? Yeah... I no longer see a flawed hero, but I now see the truck driver. A man who’s so aggressive and miserable, he only cares about getting revenge and letting out that aggression. Not even stopping to think about the Coyote’s situation, and how the Coyote has also lost his own life because he was banned from his world. And there is just... no compassion. Just shocking and edgy content where everyone is horrible, and they’re all against each other.
This got really long, and for that, I apologize.
#( 🧩 ✧ INFERIOR PUPPETEER ✧ | OOC )#// this was originally meant to just be an appreciation for confidential...#// then it became a rant on eternal...#// then it became a rant on modern bat comics in general xD#// WHOOPS#long post //
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Why do you think it is people can't accept or view woman as abusive? Whether it's mothers, wifes, girlfriends, or just friends? Is it because men are usually the abusers in media and therefore accepted as the abusers in real life always? Do people out there really not think woman can be both physically or emotionally abusive to men in their lives just as men can be?
As with all of these topics there’s no one reason why such thinking comes about, but rather a complicated intersection of ideas, teachings, assumptions, personal experience, culture, etc. Part of it is that statistically men (in the US and UK anyway) are more likely to be the abuser and the media does reflect that, so some people tend to conflate “usually” with “always.” Even though those are obviously two distinct situations. Which is how you get antagonistic responses to those who advocate for men who suffer from abuse. Some see it as a means of drawing attention away from the ‘real’ problem of women victims, rather than acknowledging that both things exist simultaneously: a predominance of one gender being victims and the other gender facing a unique hurdle because of that predominance. When we teach - overtly or implicitly - that only women can be abused, we set up a scenario where men must first prove that what they’ve suffered can and does exist at all, let alone that they as an individual suffer from it. We see this with rape as well. Women must navigate a world that acknowledges that they can be raped, but tends to deny that it happened to her (she was asking for it, she should be grateful, etc.) Men, meanwhile, often hear that they simply can’t be raped, full stop. Because that’s something that only happens to women, because men always want sex, because a man could have put a stop to it, etc. And if this seems at all confusing, contradictory, complicated, and other difficult ‘c’ words, it’s because it is. Different genders who experience abuse simultaneously have commonalities that should inspire solidarity among the groups as well as individual circumstances that have to be taken into account. There is no one size fits all explanation here, which is precisely why intersectionality exists.
Thinking about those individual factors though, gender norms absolutely come into play and feed those broader ideas about who can and cannot be abused. To put it simply, the concept of (toxic) masculinity does not provide room for men to be victims of abuse via women, simply because they are supposed to be inherently stronger and thus protected from assault. I experienced a perfect example of this bias while discussing Caroline Flack’s assault arrest. To be clear, we had almost no details about the case and were speaking very generally about abuse as a whole, rather than what actually happened between her and her boyfriend. This was also prior to her suicide, so take this as a conversation pretty much entirely removed from her specific situation. Basically though, the conversation revolved around the utter disbelief that a girlfriend could assault - let alone consistently abuse - a boyfriend. This person was grudgingly accepting of emotional abuse, but physical was off the table. After all, he’s a big strong guy and she’s so tiny. You’re telling me he can’t catch her arm when she goes to hit him? Or just hit her back? When I began to point out the problems in this thinking, the lack of understanding as to how abusers work, and begin to introduce the concept of victim blaming, they responded with, “I’m not blaming the victim, I’m blaming his inability to defend himself!” Which is a response that made me stare into an invisible camera like I was on The Office. Frustration aside, this conversation does a decent job of demonstrating the biases at work here: 1. Men are pretty much immune to abuse because abuse is almost entirely physical. 2. That immunity stems from clear-cut ideas about how man and women develop: he will be big and strong while she will be tiny and weak. 3. Abuse is not a complicated form of conditioning but a one time thing that anyone with the correct tools (strength) can stand up against: just stop her from hitting you. 4. If you somehow fail to stop her you can (and will instinctively want) to get revenge by hitting her back. That will demonstrate dominance and put an end to things. Problem solved. Obviously there is a lot to unpack there and that’s coming from a liberal, progressive, otherwise empathetic person. This kind of thinking runs deep.
I want to emphasize that people get degrees in this, write books, spend their whole lives studying and working through such a nuanced subject... so a blog post response does not a perfect answer make lol. Nor does a BBC vid with a clickbait-y title, but experiments like this - simple as they are - can help to demonstrate that thinking:��
youtube
“My first thought was... he looked a bit soft... he looked a bit soft letting her hit him like that... I wouldn’t let a girl hit me.”
“I think the man must have done something to the woman”
There’s such a pervasive idea that men, as men, are the dominant gender that any evidence of abuse is automatically reframed as a) something he secretly enjoys, b) something he brought on himself, or c) proof that he’s not a “real” man and is defective for suffering from this. It’s a view that is perpetuated in fandom as well as real life. When Salem kills Ozpin it means he obviously did something to deserve it (trying to escape with the kids) because only guilty men suffer like that. When Yennefer takes control of or invades Geralt’s mind it means he secretly liked it because only weak men would stick around to suffer through something they were uncomfortable with - and Geralt is the opposite of weak. Then these stories - as stories written by an author who controls all events, responses, and outcomes - further paint these assumptions as correct: Ozpin is condemned as a horrible person (see, he deserved it!) and Geralt’s true love is shown to be Yennefer (see, he secretly doesn’t mind!) because these are characters who adhere to the whims of fallible authors. That doesn’t represent reality, but it can help perpetuate our perception of it. The author who fails to acknowledge a man’s abuse that they’ve written is no different from an author who fails to acknowledge a woman’s abuse that they’ve written. How the audience responds to those relationships, however, is very different. We’ve reached a point now where we can say stuff like, “Just because fictional Anastasia Steel has been written to think the way Christian Gray treats her is sexy and healthy doesn’t mean it is,” but we often fail to apply that same fiction/reality distinction for men. Instead, women abusers of all varieties - from genocidal Salem to “just” insults/threat of magical retribution Yennefer - are painted as badass or secret victims because the alternative would be acknowledging that men have the capability to be victims at all. Especially powerful men who (supposedly) have every means of defending themselves.
As one woman in the video puts it, “the stereotype that women have less power than a man” is ingrained in our culture and it hurts men and genders not on the binary as well as women. It’s just that the damage to women is the most obvious and, as said, at times much more common. But that doesn’t mean these other impacts don’t exist. This is why feminism is inclusive and anyone who tells you it’s only for women hasn’t done much research. There’s a difference between people who may use such situations as a means of erasing all the shit women have to deal with (Men’s Rights™) and those who acknowledge that the limitations put on women and the abuse they suffer has the added concern of negatively impacting those around them. They’re baises that don’t help anyone.
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Some Further Old Guard Liveblogging
#OH MAN BOOKER'S SMIRK WHEN MERRICK REFUSES TO COME CLOSER TO ANDROMACHE#THAT IS THE SMIRK OF 'I see Yusuf headbutted you already'
#also also I cannot deal with Merrick's suits with hoodies on them#they're so terrible#what a fantastic piece of villain costuming I hate him for that alone
#OH MAN THAT POOR DOCTOR#STUCK IN A ROOM WITH FOUR BICKERING IMMORTALS#FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE#man if Nile hadn't come along her life woulda suuuuuuuucked#Nicoló was trying his best at that anyway#apparently Merrick Pharmaceuticals comes equipped with semi-automatic rifles but not gags
man their card readers work really well and fast. I am impressed. I have... not had this luck with card readers. They usually blink a few times and take a few tries. (Also, nobody uses card readers anymore? I’m not even in that critical of an industry and we have the beepy key fob things. That respond to badges.)
As Nile enters the lab...
Yusuf: what the heck where did this come from
Nicoló: eh? I do not know that this is a good turn of events
Andy: breathlessly happy to see her
Booker: oh how my sins have revisited me
It continues to bother me how Nile breaks into the lab and goes straight for the one who’s not immortal and who has the least ability to cope with the situation, given that she’s already injured; and then stands there and talks to her when she could be letting someone else loose to deal with the four shooters at the door that she just mentioned. Just. Free one hand on each of them and then get on to releasing all the bonds on your favorite!
Yeah, keep standing there with your motivational speeches and your NOT RELEASING PEOPLE WHO WILL ACTUALLY HELP YOU, I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN
Andy, who is not an absolute idiot, releases one of Nicoló’s arms as her first action and then moves on. Nicoló, who is also not an idiot, immediately rolls over and begins releasing the rest of himself, which is the SANE THING TO DO, NILE, YOU’RE AN IDIOT
Booker: No, you should just leave me here
Andy: This is an intervention.
Andy, heading for the door: Let’s get this motherfucker
Everyone else, aware she is now mortal: <suddenly falls in ahead of her and does not let her take point as she is prone to doing>
Andy’s labrys is such a prop weapon, it looks weirdly light and also fiberglass. I could be wrong! I don’t know about these things! but I think it’s a functional reproduction, not something she’s had for a while.
Andy is Mom Friend, looking after her little gang. Yusuf is Dad Friend, worrying too much.
Nile: Andy! It is I, meat shield!
Nicoló: Oh, that’s a good idea.
You know, they really oughtn’t be speaking English in combat situations. This would be a great time to be using a dead language, effectively enabling you to say exactly where you’re going without your enemy understanding it. (Or Nile. But they’ve got Nile.)
“Shit! Jammed!” is where Nicoló needs to be there to mutter in baleful Ligurian about combat teams and palises.
They really shoulda killed that guy on the ground... nobody needs to know they exist, or what they can do.
I should tell Hyacinth about the throw at 1:44.
Nile has such a nice face.
“I think you showed up when I lost my immortality” well you’re wrong. You been stabbed and healed since then. Also puts paid to my theory that it gave out when you said you were done and not interested in trying to help people anymore. It just is what it is; humans try to assign meaning and stories to thinks, but at the end of the day, it’s all quantum.
NILE IS SO SHORT BUT NICOLÓ IS THE ONE SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BACK SEAT
(if anyone cares for fic: Yusuf has shotgun, Nicoló in the back seat middle, Andy is driving, Nile behind Yusuf and Booker behind Andy. Is there any advantage to this? None that I see. Except that Yusuf was in front so he had the opportunity to claim shotgun, and Booker is a filthy traitor who doesn’t deserve the front seat. Nile is new and I don’t know what Nicoló’s excuse is except that it’s easiest to reach the front seat from the middle of the back seat, and everyone assumes Andy will get to sit in the front, so this puts Nicoló in position to get hands on either of them as needed.)
I have no idea why we are expected to care about the pewter-topped bars at the pub they choose to go to.
“There’s not much to decide, it’s not like they can kill me.” Yusuf stares through the window as if he is contemplating exactly that; Booker can’t find an acceptable face to make back at him.
“You’re a good kid” is such a patronizing thing to say to someone, it really emphasizes both how young Nile is and how much younger she is than the rest of them. Also, I will never understand how Booker’s being a bad parent means no one should go see their family while they’re still alive.
Yeah, Yusuf is not satisfied with this arrangement, Nicoló considers it the right thing to do whether it is satisfying or not, and Nile hates hurting people.
Also, given that I headcanon that Andy is cursed to be an atheist surrounded by stubbornly faithful people, “Have a little faith, Book” is a great line. Like. Andy has made her position on religion clear, but at least Nicoló has at one point in his life been committed to religious ideals. The other two - well, I have my own thoughts about how Yusuf interacts with his faith, but it’s just hilarious if Booker is also stubbornly Catholic, for his own journey and so that Andy can be all, “Every time we get a new immortal I explain to them how we are cursed, there is no god, our existence is proof of the whims of the world triumphing over any sort of divine plan, and every time they just hold out! Nicoló is laughing at me!” and she tries doing this to Nile and none of the others are quite laughing out loud, but Nicoló has very expressive smirks, okay?
And then you take that background and apply it to Booker saying he’ll never see her again and Andy choosing the last thing she says to him to be, “Have a little faith“ - this thing she has been denying, giving him this as a recognition, he’s spent all movie starving for her recognition as she just gives him tasks, so she recognizes him and this thing they don’t share but that she’s now offering value to, and hey, as long as he’s believing in illogic, he might as well have some in her, right? or in technology and medicine? it’s not all that important how it plays out, but for her to grant this concession to him is... magnanimous in a satisfying way, if you headcanon all of the aforesaid.
Aww, Yusuf is the unsatisfied one but he’s also the one who stays watching Booker for the longest. And he’s the only one who looks back.
:( the German is too blurred for me to read this passport, but I really want to see if there’s any justifying Yusuf being named Joseph Jones and nationality (?) Deutsch. But even if that’s so - which is conceivable - I want to know why both Hamburg and Frankfurt are on his passport. Mine doesn’t have any cities on it at all - but then again, I’ve had friends ask me to get my passport out just to demonstrate how funny American passports are. (Most countries are like “ah yes, we need blank pages to stamp visas and entries/exits on. The US of A goes, “what if our blank pages had dramatic pictures of the biomes of the continental US and inspirational quotes across the tops?” Make your own arguments about American exceptionalism, patriotism, conspicuous consumption...)
THEY WERE AT THE FALL OF THE BERLIN WALL GOOD FOR THEM also just a weird place for them to be, that incident was. So much a mistake. So much spontaneous. And it’s a weird time to be smuggling people across the wall (and very difficult to do, and. There are better things for immortal soldiers to do with their time at this point). So like. Good for them, I bet that was an endorphin surge, but weird that they were there.
Awwww, Nicoló’s little “I knew we were trying to do good, it is nice to have confirmation that it works sometimes” smirk
It’s a nice speech, Andy, but what you’re actually saying to Copley is, “Booker was our computer/intel guy and we kicked him out, so we need you to do his job and possibly train Nile in it”
I know by “ether” she means like. Internets. But. I love imagining them as just old sometimes, and not always keeping up with all the right things. And having her mean, “When we leave a footprint in the luminiferous aether” because she honestly still believes that light needs a medium to travel in and it’s just never come up as relevant to correct that assumption, she’s proud of being well-read in science a hundred years ago - well, that’s wonderful.
Aww, Copley got a Nicoló smirk. And I think Yusuf sensed it, though he could not possibly have seen it.
Aaaaand scene with Booker drunk and unhappy in Paris, so what else is new to Paris. Spray your glass all over public spaces, it’ll improve the general cleanliness of the surfaces. And Quynh is probably going to show up in Nile’s room shortly, I bet she’s just tired of dreaming of them. I... honestly don’t know that I like the idea of a sequel. Franchises leave a lot of room for making things worse. There’s a lot of open space in this movie, but that’s where I like to put my fanfiction.
#the old guard#Nimblermortal liveblogs#Nimblermortal tags TOO LITTLE AND TOO LATE#this post will update until I get to the end of the movie#which is not much further now#let me just rewind and see each of their expressions as Nile comes in
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the annotated Tome of the Wild
Part 7: The Wild!
- Link didn't open his eyes. A twist on the beginning of BOTW, where you hear Zelda telling Link to open his eyes. I couldn’t resist.
- Hestu’s cameo was a lot of fun to write too. I always found him adorable, first in BOTW and then in AOC as well, and the idea of him waking up Link with his maracas was too amusing not to do. I also had to include his “shimmy shimmy” battle cry from AOC because I always laugh my head off whenever I hear it.
- This also reveals that Midna brought Link to the Great Deku Tree, a character that debuted in OOT and made further appearances in WW and BOTW.
- Something tickled her arm, breaking her out of her gloomy thoughts. Midna lifted her head and looked down. New growth was sprouting from the branch she was sitting on, wriggling its way up onto her. Nothing like this happens to Beatrice in the show, but I had to put in this chilling little moment of Midna nearly succumbing to the dekuwood. It provides a way later to introduce Rhoam’s presence in his scene, as well as some horror at what could’ve happened to her here.
- Note to self: never visit Tabantha if you can help it... Tabantha, of course, being a very cold region in BOTW’s Hyrule. Link’s newfound hatred of snow mirrors my own, and now he’s going to associate it with this horrible experience.
- “It's a bad habit, I guess.” He laughed softly. He’s referring, of course, to how he casually greeted Riju and Medli back at the school pool and they gave him a bit of a hard time about it.
- “You...” Midna stared at him for several seconds, stunned. “You...” She slapped his hand away and starting swinging her tiny fists at him, which he easily dodged. “You oaf! You idiot! What the hell—what the hell is wrong with you? How can you forgive me so easily, when you're still in a shit situation because of me? Neither one of us would be out here groping around blindly in the fucking snow if not for what I did!” I set up Midna and Link to be parallels of each other in a couple ways. One of which is that while Link has isolated himself from Mipha, hurting and confusing her, Midna is on the other end of something similar with Zelda. And here we see something they both struggle with: forgiving themselves. Midna can’t understand how Link can so easily forgive her actions towards him, while Link utterly despises himself for his actions towards Mipha and cannot forgive himself for causing her pain. He’ll later struggle with the fact that Mipha forgives him easily, just as Midna is having trouble understanding his forgiveness of her here. All of them find it easier to forgive their loved ones than to grant that same grace to themselves.
- “She told me that while she appreciated how much I cared, I should think a little more and be less reckless. I know she'd never call me stupid, but...” Link shrugged. “Honestly, I kind of am.” Another reference to Mipha calling Link reckless, and how she hates seeing him get hurt. He is indeed not the smartest guy around, but she does describe him as being very kind and determined to help those in need, so I tried to emphasize that aspect of his personality in this story. Although the “I kind of am” line is also intended to be a subtle red flag. We’ve already seen that Link thinks very little of himself and his abilities, even when it’s clear from the words of others that he’s very talented. And we’re about to soon see him use a bit of intelligence he very much does have, in order to save the day. He would never believe himself capable of such a thing, but he does it anyway.
- “Even just a few branches could be processed... enough to get us through this storm...” Note the use of the plural here. This is leading up to the revelation about his belief that Zelda is in the lantern. His desperation to find more oil anywhere is because, of course, he believes that if the light goes out she will die. And he wouldn’t be in this scarcity if not for what happened back in chapter one, with Link and Aryll and the dog accidentally wrecking the mill and his oil supply.
- He was soon rewarded with a most welcome sight: a single dekuwood branch, growing out of that of a normal tree. It seemed sickly, withered, and it waved feebly in the air, but he rushed forward and hacked it off anyway. The very same branch that tried to attach itself to Midna, sickly and withered precisely because of that failure.
- And now we come to the confirmation that the dekuwood is made from the people who succumb to despair and exhaustion in the woods, right as we see it growing all around Aryll. Rhoam has been unaware this entire time of all the souls he’s sacrificed over the past several months, and now that he knows, he refuses to do it any longer. For he, like Midna, recognizes that Zelda would never want anyone to be harmed for her sake.
He’s also right that Link would never leave Aryll to such a fate, recognizing Link’s love and protectiveness towards his little sister. This is a point where my characterization of Link wildly diverges from that of Wirt, the protagonist of OTGW. I pulled some things from Wirt for Link and his arc, but one thing I didn’t keep was the resentment and initial callousness that Wirt displays for Greg, who is revealed in the tavern sequence to be his half-brother thanks to his mother remarrying, something Greg frowns at when Wirt mentions it. Aryll is also technically Link’s half-sister, as I revealed in the letters that his mother remarried some years after his father’s death and had Aryll with her new husband, but I could not for the life of me see him being resentful or unkind to his little sister. Whatever his faults, I’ve written him as being, at his core, an incredibly kind and deeply loving person, and his adoration of his sister is a part of that. He doesn’t view her as a “half” anything, she’s just his sister and he’ll do anything to protect her. Which of course is a big part of what led to his breakdown: his feelings of guilt over not doing as good a job of that as he thinks he should be doing.
- “Link, I don't... I don't think that's natural light. It looks more like...” This has a double meaning. The fire in the lantern is not the “natural light” of the sun, and it is also deeply unnatural, given that it’s the Beast’s soul in there.
- Speaking of that! The confrontation with the Beast plays out a bit differently here than it does in the show, thanks to Midna’s personal connection to all this. Rhoam’s mention of Zelda gets her attention, and the Beast uses her love for Zelda as a way to try and turn her and Link against each other with his attempt to make them choose which soul will go into the lantern. He’ll get fuel and kill Aryll either way, but why not pit these two against each other as a way to manipulate them into doing what he wants? Except it backfires, because Midna won’t harm anyone for Zelda’s sake, and Link figures out what’s going on anyway, thanks to remembering the words of Rhoam and Telma.
- Link stood up, his mind racing. It was like when the solution to a puzzle finally presented itself in a moment of stunning clarity. For all that he’s not that bright in so many ways, it’s important to remember that he’s canonically able to solve all those tricky puzzles we do, without benefit of a guide, just using his wits and the tools he has at hand. And so too does he solve this particular puzzle, by remembering what he’s been told and piecing it together with what he sees here, thinking about the fact that the Beast’s story doesn’t add up. Which saves the day, in the end.
- “Am I wrong?” Link repeated, his voice shaking with barely suppressed fury; he took a few more steps, forcing the Beast to retreat further. “No more lies. Tell the truth for once, Beast.” Referencing, of course, the fact that Telma told him the Beast lies. He’s absolutely furious right now because of the attempt on Aryll’s life; you do not mess with Link’s loved ones. The Beast, too, fucked around and found out the hard way.
- In the show, Wirt gives the lantern back to the Woodsman to blow out after the delivery of the “Are you?” line that I kept (and had Link nail the delivery of on his first try, unlike Wirt, because that’s what makes sense for both their characters). Here, I chose to let Link kill the Beast, because he is, after all, the legendary hero who slays the villain. But even more importantly, I felt he deserved and had earned such a moment with his growing courage over the course of the tale.
- “See you later, Link.” Hey, remember how Midna broke all our hearts by saying a similar line to Link in TP as she broke the mirror and went back to her world? I sure do!
- “Sleepers wake, dreams will fade... although we cling fast..." This, and the lyrics that close out this section, are the first few lines of the vocal version of Ballad of the Wind Fish that was done for the LA remake.
- There were lights and shadowy figures coming closer, and voices—was someone calling his name? As I would later reveal in the prologue of a place to start, Mipha was screaming his name as she ran down the hill towards him.
- The words he wanted so badly to say to her hung on the tip of his tongue And it shows on his face, that desire to express the love for her that is all but bursting out of him in this moment, and Mipha sees it. She sees that love shining in his eyes as they stare at each other, giving her her hope back and then some. In a way, Link was right: if he hadn’t hidden from her, she would’ve realized what his real feelings for her are. He just didn’t know how happy it would’ve made her. But he will soon.
- “—and that's how we got away from the evil possessed lady!” Out of the corner of his eye Link saw Aryll shake the frog triumphantly, and Mipha, distracted by the sudden commotion, looked away from him. A small, muffled chime sounded, and the amphibian's stomach glowed. “The ringing of the bell commanded her! Though she wasn't really evil, just...” The series is never clear on just what the otherworld the brothers enter is, but it is clear that it really happened to them, and I preserved that ambiguity in the same way, by showing the bell as still being in the frog’s stomach.
- Link nodded. “Yes.” It didn't matter anymore how it'd gotten into her pocket; he'd made it, and brought it with him tonight, with the intention of giving it to her. There was no more question of taking it back or denying it. Courage has been achieved; he’s no longer going to hide or pretend, or try to take back the gift he worked on so hard. Midna is right: he’s been so brave in the Wild, and it’s time to apply that bravery to confessing his feelings to Mipha and letting her know that he loves her. The words will have to wait till the next day, but for now he’s doing all he can to face his fears and stop running, by hugging her and holding her hand and wiping her tears away, letting his love show in his expression as he looks at her without avoiding her eyes. Plus, of course, admitting to his intentions with the tape and inviting her over to listen to it together. They’re finally getting a breakthrough after two months of separation and pain.
- The doctor, Syrup, is a recurring NPC throughout the series, a witch who brews up helpful healing potions for Link to use on his adventures.
- I'm home, Mipha. Calling back, of course, to Midna’s line about there being someone waiting for him and to go home to her. Not only that, but in Mipha’s letters, I had her mention wanting him to “come back to her”. And now he finally has.
and that wraps this up, as the epilogue is composed strictly of Miphlink fluff and sweet, sweet payoff. if you took the time to read the fic and these write ups, thank you, I hope you enjoyed them! ❤
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December Angel Fish Awards
Every month all of you fantastic writers work your asses off to post some truly incredible stories. Our Angel Fish Awards are the way for all of us, as a community of writers and readers, to lift each other up and give praise to those who have captured our attention and deserve a few kind words.
The monthly Angel Fish Awards are peer-nominated, meaning ANYONE IN THE POND CAN NOMINATE ANY POND MEMBER’S FIC. While the Pond was founded to support the Guppies, everyone in this community deserves to be showered with love and feedback, and we hope that by opening this up as a Pond wide system, we’ll be able to share the love as far as it can go.
NOTE: WE’VE BEEN HAVING OCCASIONAL PROBLEMS WITH ASKS GOING MISSING. Please use the Submit button when submitting your nominations and make sure you’re signed into Tumblr or your URL won’t show. (If the form asks for your name and email address, then you’re not signed in.) If you like, you can also send a message to Michelle or Mana to check and make sure we got your submission.
WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, HERE ARE DECEMBER’S ANGEL FISH AWARDS!
Nominated by @princessmisery666
Gone (oneshot) by @there-must-be-a-lock
@impala-dreamer’s end of year quickie challenge was a great one but this on by @there-must-be-a-lock stuck with me. So much emotion in under 500 words :)
Why Can’t There Be A Santa (oneshot) by @risingphoenix761
This was kinda heart breaking and fluffy and sweet all at the same. I love me some fluff!!
Who’d Have Thought (oneshot) by @firefly-in-darkness
Daisy got me all hot and bothered with this one and then unexpectedly pulled my heart out of my chest!! Love a surprise ending and a bit of smut!!
Nominated by @flamencodiva
A Series of Firsts (series) by @fictionalabyss
I love her story a series of firsts! it is amazing to see the ups and downs and the alternate endings.
Wayward Hearts (series) by @foreverwayward
This has to be my all time series re-write! I think Brittney captures the story so well and is able to weave Riley into the story as if she is actually a part of the show! Brittney does a good job in her storytelling and the romance between Dean and Riley is so innocent and pure!
Moonstone (series) by @impala-dreamer
This is one of my favorite stories by Beka! it was one of the first ones and it wasn’t the last I have read of her work. I love the dynamic and the story she wove in. I’m also always a sucker for a hero and protective Dean.
His Property (series) by @negans-lucille-tblr
This is an amazing fic! I love the bdsm and the way Dean is set up in this! It is a great and hot story as well as a well woven story of angst and unrequited love in the underlying reading. The twists and turns of this story also have you on the edge of your seat!
Nominated by @wildfirewinchester
About A Boy (series) by @percywinchester27
The series is amazing, and it perfectly encapsulates Dean’s character. It also has enough hints here and there where you always think you know what’s going on (sometimes you do, sometimes you don’t), and then there’s a twist and you get to find out whether or not you were right! The idea is so original and I’ve never read a fic with the same premise. I’m always so excited when I see there’s a new part and I always have to read it right then and there.
Nominated by @sorenmarie87
Five Minutes (series) by @idabbleincrazy
This fic started out sweet, moved into angst and somehow rounded out with its ending. I won’t spoil it for those who want to read it but it was worth it :)
What Hurts The Most (oneshot) by @iflostreturntosteverogers
Carrie is great with writing angst and this fic, even though it was for a challenge, managed to do that with only 500 words.
Flip (oneshot) by @luci-in-trenchcoats
It’s no secret that I love A/B/O fics but I think this is the first one that I’ve read that involves body-swapping.
Nominated by @manawhaat
Who’d Have Thought (oneshot) by @firefly-in-darkness
Ok, the smut is lovely. Smut is always lovely, but what earns this a nom is the last fucking line. I was slapped in the face, hard, with the goddamn feelings. And as much as I hate that, I’m also a SLUT for that shit!
A Different Kind of Therapy (series) by @saxxxology
JESUS CHRISTO. There are only three chapters out right now but the whole premise behind this is just FASCINATING! I’ve read about different kind of meditative sex therapy, but the way this unfolds is really unique and honestly, I feel like this should be a fucking thing in the real world. It’s definitely worth checking out.
Nominated by @lovetusk
I’d like to nominate Special One (oneshot) by @evansrogerskitten & The marvelous lands of Sam’s chest (oneshot) by @focusonspn for the simple fact that I am a Sam girl and a total sucker for not only Alpha Sam, but also his chest hair. Yum.
Nominated by @impala-dreamer
Renegade (oneshot) by @princessmisery666
Very nicely done!! The descriptions were lovely and I heard Billie’s voice so clearly!
Bite Me (oneshot) by @maddiepants
OMGOMGOMG me toooooo!!! This is just perfectly delicious and naughty and… sames. Sames… the TEETH!!!!!
Ghost Rider (oneshot) by @squirrelnotsam
I LOVED THIS SO MUCH! Such a clever idea! Like, of course he would attach himself like that! And he’s still so …DEAN. protective and sassy and Y/N is perfect. I loved this a whole bunch!!
Nominated by @thegirlwhorunswithwinchesters
Strong leader type having to physically fall down in order for people to see they’re exhausted (oneshot) by @imagineteamfreewill
I decided to start the new year off right by finding my way back into the world of tumblr spn fics after an unplanned hiatus. And what better way to do so than by spreading the love through these amazing awards?
This is the first fic I came across and I immediately fell in love. Anything that emphasizes how amazing and hardworking Sam is - and how he deserves a break and all the love in the world - is something I’ll defend with my life.
Vision of Love (series) by @princessmisery666
Second fic I wanted to put a spotlight on is this prequel to an amazing series by an amazing author. I remember reading parts of this before I went MIA and I cannot wait to finish the series and find out what happened now that I’m back. For now, I’m reveling in the wonder that is this fluffy prequel.
The marvelous lands of Sam’s chest (oneshot) by @focusonspn
If this isn’t a mood, I don’t know what is. It’s hot, it’s sweet, it’s everything I’ll ever need. Yes, it is indeed so good that I felt the urge to rhyme.
Unstoppable (oneshot) by @evansrogerskitten
Talk about sexual tension. I love the idea of the reader hiding her true nature and the consequences that had. On top of that, the author’s writing is amazing as always.
Christmas Gone Wrong (oneshot) by @peridottea91
Next up on my mission to spread the love is this fun little domestic oneshot. I love the bickering and the jokes. Also, now I’m craving cookies.
Masterlist by @pink1031
I was so excited when I saw this author on the new pond members list, meaning I could nominate her. She’s an amazing writer and I couldn’t possibly pick just one fic to nominate, so I went for the entire masterlist instead. Besides a talented writer, she’s also just an absolute gem who works hard and deserves to be recognized for it.
Nominated by @slytherkins
Recompense (oneshot) by @thoughtslikeaminefield
Pretty tasty. Kinda makes me want to piss Dean off. (But that might just be my inner Brat talking.) <3
Nominated by @thelittleredwhocould/ @samsexualdeancurious
Old Man (oneshot) @manawhaat
This fic is a companion/sequel/alternate ending to one of my own fics and I LOVE it. I was so excited when Mana came to me with it. Some good old fashioned Alpha!John/Omega!Reader smut. So, so good.
Lucid Lies (oneshot) by @manawhaat
Fucking love this fic. So, so good. I’m a sucker for a good djinn-related story cos they’re the perfect vessel for the best angst and this is no exception.
Maybe (oneshot) by @manawhaat
Read this if you want to cry cos this has ALL the feels. All of them.
A Bed is a Bed (series) by @saxxxology
I think this one is inspired by a play and Saxxy was texting me when she planned it out. So, so good. Saxxy does a great job setting the scene and unf the smut. *heart eyes*
About a Boy (series) by @percywinchester27
I’m in loooooove with this series. I’ve never been big on young!Winchester fics but the premise of this is so good and the payoff is even better. I can’t wait to find out what happens next.
A stranger in need (oneshot) @percywinchester27
I love the AU in this fic and I’m not gonna tell you what it is cos that would give everything away! This is just so good. Sam is such a sweetheart and I just adore him.
Caught (series) by @thecleverdame
I’m just dying for the next chapter of this fic! The concept pulled me in immediately. There’s only two chapters on Tumblr so far but omg I just. Love it.
This is How (oneshot) by @mrswhozeewhatsis
Angsty angsty angsty angst. Love it. I’m not the biggest Amelia fan but I this peak into Sam’s thought process and feelings at the beginning of s8. So good.
Thank you all for the awesome work and great feedback!
As with the BFAs, these are not actual awards! This system is set up so everyone in the pond has a chance to share the love and promote a fic/author that has grabbed your attention. The more people that participate, and the more everyone remembers to submit their own fics after posting, the better this will be :D
THANK YOU ALL AGAIN, KEEP UP THE AMAZING WORK, AND AS ALWAYS, HAPPY WRITING!
#afa masterlist#angel fish awards#spn fic rec#spnfanficpond#supernatural fanfic#fan fiction#fanfiction#fan fic#fanfic#spn fan fiction#spn fanfiction#sn fan fic#spn fanfic#supernatural fan fiction#supernatural fan fic#supernatural fanfiction#fic rec#supernatural fic rec
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i sentence you to be exposed before your peers...
-- TEAR DOWN THE WALL!
so... once again, i’m floored. i mean, seriously floored.
i could probably say my usual nonsense, which is that i’m amazed, i’m flattered, and i’m even speechless at the amount of love, patience, and just downright kindness i have received since day one. tomorrow marks a month since this blog was opened, and i have to say that it has been one of the best months i have ever had in the tumblr rpc in all my years of rping.
that’s saying quite a lot!
i have to reiterate that i was incredibly worried about how jonathan was going to be received here. but the exact opposite has been true - if anything, you have all welcomed him with open arms, and been incredibly amazing rp partners in every sense of the word. i hope i return the attention you’ve given me thricefold. it’s true that i’m incredibly slow, keep piling on those ask memes and starters, but the real reason is because i just want to interact with you all in some capacity. i highly encourage those of you that have yet to do anything with me to send me something, and i can promise you i will get to it!
but what does any of that have to do with an appreciation post? well, it really is just me rambling about how incredibly honored i am that you all have stayed here through thick and thin despite my slowness. you are all the real mvps! in fact, i wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for all of you wanting to do things with me. really. you have no idea how much of an honor this is, especially considering that this is for an original character rather than a canon one. i just... wow! there i go again, failing to be eloquent!
the graphic above was thrown together tonight because i wanted to get this out this past weekend, but i figured the closer to my one month anniversary the better. that would have been october 1st, so sadly it’s a bit late. however, screw it! let’s throw two special occasions into one! i figured i would call it something different this time, as this is a bigger milestone than before.
so now that part one of this post is finished... let’s get to the good stuff. the follow forever list ( which i personally prefer calling it! ). read under the cut!
THE STARS WHO LIGHT THE PATH FORWARD:
the first up on this list are personal thank-yous to very special people who have made this experience so incredible. all of you have, but these are people i have known for several years, people i have grown close to quickly, or just people i have a lot of things to say to. i’ll probably even say these things to you in private in more expansive detail.
here are my appreciative ( albeit abridged ) comments to the following people:
@pistolbitten: tycho, you’re one of my bestest friends on this entire hellsite and even offline. the fact we haven’t met yet irl is fucking criminal - i hope that in the near future we can, though that might be kind of bad because i think the entire universe would just cease to exist if that happened. but we gotta try, right?? ANYWAY more importantly i want to emphasize that you are doing such a tremendous job with nack. i’m seriously impressed, and i want you to know that the work you’re putting into him is seriously amazing. keep it up because it’s clear to me you’re having a lot of fun. you really deserve it after everything that you’ve gone through in the past few years. you’re my little brother and it’s gonna stay that way! you know how i feel about you, but if you ever feel down, i will remind you again and again. you’re destined for great things, and you’re incredibly strong. but sometimes, it’s okay to feel a little weak. it’s human. you’re human.
@destructiveglitch: farida, i can’t emphasize how glad i am that we reconnected. i want you to know that i really admire the work you’ve put into making cadillac the amazing character that he is. you are seriously an inspiration to this community not only with the positivity you exude, but with the humor you bring to the table and the way you accept people with open arms. i strive to be more like you, and i am so proud to see how far you’ve come since we met a few years ago on this hellsite. you are seriously amazing, and so is cadillac - i cannot wait to see you chase your dreams even further; you’re an inspiration!
@daiteitako + all your other blogs: don i’m really glad we reconnected after i vanished kind of suddenly - again, i apologize for that. however, i really cannot wait to do stuff properly with you, but the most important thing i really want to say here is that a.) you’re incredibly kind, b.) you’re HILARIOUS and c.) your graphics are beautiful. also, i should mention that the dedication you’ve put into making all your muses your own is just stellar. i love it and i cannot wait to see more. i always appreciate our ooc chats and i’m so glad that i get to see your antics on the dash whenever your url pops up!
@dadadaemons: che... che. what can i say. when i came back to the rpc after a couple years of being gone, one of the things i really missed was having someone i could really connect with. honestly? it’s rare that it happens. but with you, it felt pretty instantaneous. i feel really glad to have met you - i feel that we can just shoot the shit whenever, and our muses have quite the relationship. i adore it, and i really feel comfortable talking with you - i hope that its the same for you. basically what i really want to say is that i feel incredibly lucky to have come across your blog and gotten the chance to talk to you, and eventually talk more ooc, i just... honestly? your writing is incredible, a mixture between tragic and comic, and i really adore it. it stands out. it’s you, and it’s unique. this is a little rambly, but i am really amazed at what you’ve been doing with your muses ( especially cherry ) and i cannot wait to see your work in a visual novel-type game someday. with your art skills? it’s bound to happen. you’ve got me to cheer you on!
@czhng: ángel... sends you the cat meme for the 10292373747th time ( you know the one ). just kidding! i feel like in the past week or two, we’ve grown pretty close. our ship has really blossomed into something fascinating and it’s really funny because the lovely people here on tumblr have absolutely no idea what they’re in store for. but better yet, i’m really glad i got a chance to meet you - i couldn’t have imagined how much fun we would be having together! i love sending memes back and forth, and also just talking about our characters, or hearing what you were up to or how you’re doing. while these may be simple things, they mean the absolute world to me. in short, i’m so grateful that i got to meet you, and i hope we can keep being even better friends into the future!
@cardinalrot: burns! you were one of the first people i think i formally interacted with on this blog, and while we briefly knew each other on my ramona flowers blog, i recently started talking to you more in depth ooc and honestly? you’ve made my time here so much better - you’re funny, you’re getting me into a band i barely knew about until i found your blog, and i just adore what’s going on in our group chat. i can’t wait to get to know you better, and better yet, see what ridiculous things our muses get up to as things keep rolling. you’re a lot of fun to be around and listen to, and i love hearing your ideas. honestly? you’re just a bright light on the hell that is tumblr!
@citialiin: basil! what a shock to find out we actually knew each other back in 2015! that was definitely a surprise. but above all, what can i say other than i’m truly amazed by a lot of things that have happened - that ziggy and jo have the relationship they do, that there’s some real stakes involved, and above all things, that your art is truly wonderful! plus, your writing is so wonderful to read - i feel that you really capture whomever it is that you’re writing, and what i love most about you really is that you’re incredibly honest about who you are, and your art manages to reflect that incredibly well. i wish you the best in your future endeavors, and i cannot wait to roleplay with you more! also, of course, chat ooc with you and get to know you better. plus? you, burns and i are truly a cursed trio - it’s great frankly.
@themoralpuppington: the fact that i keep finding you on every blog i make after all these years ( since 2015, can you believe it?? ) is a testament to how much i adore your writing, and just you in general, hayley. i need you on my dash to feel complete, as bizarre as that might sound. your passion for your muses, most of whom are pretty niche, is really a sight to behold. i admire how much time and attention you put into crafting them to be the best they can be, and your enthusiasm and positivity is also a sight to behold. i still remember the thread we had on my old him blog between him and dot, and that was probably one of the best threads i ever had with someone to this day - can you believe that? the point i’m trying to make here is that you basically make tumblr a better experience for me, and i’m sure many others - you are an amazing person through and through!
@luckblues: kat what could i possibly say about you that i haven’t already? you were there from the beginning, and on all your blogs we had some form of interaction - usually of the comedic kind. our conversations ooc have also been immensely hilarious to read, and the thing i really enjoy is hearing your thoughts on how your muses would react - not to mention whatever posts you make on your blogs, ooc or ic. i’m very glad i got to meet you, and also interact with you because your writing is just so much fun! you always put so much work into your muses and it is seriously an inspiration. keep up the amazing work, and i hope we can get even closer over time!
@toooldforgermany: hannah! i’m really surprised we found each other again - i remember just recently how we were trying to remember which of your many blogs we interacted on, and when we finally did, things slid into place. it’s true that i don’t really talk as much as i should, but what i do have to say about you is definitely truthful: you’ve really dug into what makes arthur such an interesting character, and i mean it when i say you made me more interested than i already was in we happy few. one of these days, i’d like to watch you play it - the clips you’ve shown me have been really something special - and i can see why you’ve put so much time and effort into getting him as close to the source material as possible. that in it of itself is admirable. what you’re doing is really special, and i can’t wait to see more, both with what you do next, and what our muses do next!
THE STARS I NOTICE IN THE DISTANCE, WHO TOO HAVE LIT THE WAY:
these are people whom i have known for several years, and want to continue to know better. we may have fallen out of touch a few times, but the important thing is that we are reconnected now. all of you listed here are special to me in different ways, and i hope that i can express this properly as i continue to do things on this blog.
@guiltycharge + your other blogs / @heedingcalls / @puckish-rogue
THE GASLAMPS MADE FROM STARDUST:
now these are individuals with whom i have spoken to a great deal ooc, have had a lot of laughs with, or just in general have made me feel at home on this blog. chances are, we’ve interacted too. you have all made this blog special in a way that nowhere else on this site has made me feel before. i am having the time of my life thanks to you all.
@anammxlech / @dcfctivc + your other blogs / @loverslanetm + @aphroditetms / @psychexch / @tricksterfinale / @soughtcryptid + @horrormaestro / @hismanners / @shotbled / @richatire / @demonshe / @rubinsteind + your other blogs / @crimescupid / @crimsxnidol / @sociialpath / @pennepenned / @lovelypillar / @arizonadirtbag / @jihoney / @macabreatlas + @deathwitness / @innosen / @barbiemov / @charismastatic / @voieur + your other blogs / @flutterid / @maljefe / @spacymuses / @ryusci / @bledthrice / @bellecosebabe / @bestvictim / @bentme / @spectrisbound / @starlyht / @griefkept / @vortship / @necroticlimb + your other blogs / @gothicbite + your other blogs / @thegothfiles / @wretchedgoth / @hisnote / @dethrocuted / @justverdict + your other blogs / @stagekiller / @scarwritten / @plasticlioness / @ecentrici / @prdghtr / @drstmbrg + your other blogs / @espercr / @juvenileterror / @putrifyre / @9livin / @saturnincs / @batzie / @deceitfame / @princeternal / @autoptes / @empaethies / @vodkaraised / @censer / @maestrodarte / @ensular / @elleomet / @smallmoss + @heylincorporated / @eoleolhan / @pseudogaiety / @byerszombie / @toendwar / @rivalrus / @giftblessd / @girlrued / @godmeld / @russianllterature / @consultingsister / @desxderium / @aemiliiu / @infiltier / @yoursmary / @svperposition / @friendsfought / @reapinghook / @blossomingbeelzebug / @levyosn / @slashhers / @promdevil / @fvvckcff / @fuckingvictus / @killfame / @dnbrough / @nailfanged / @hellionrot / @hyacinthsgirl / @panamastayed / @shelcved / @spllcat / @battleridge + many many more !
THE HOMES ALONG THE STREET WITH THEIR LIGHTS ON:
the following individuals are those i watch from a distance, have yet to interact with, or admire their writing in some fashion. all of you are a joy to have on the dash ( and be mutuals with ), and i hope that we can one day do something together.
@animalcontrol / @atlantisking / @herbounty / @hxgure / @scaeld / @snowinabottle / @soleiltm / @strxnzo / @cultkiid / @clownin / @clownwork / @corpsemade / @demonwield / @orhabit / @demonicarchitect / @etrefurieuse / @unstabletm / @bulletmailed / @wordseen / @deadlcrd / @dojiryu / @garrotejima / @gothamcartel / @devilsitter / @imparist / @voicehost / @voidvoyeur / @evilwiithin / @thatcertainnight / @azircphcle / @biblicael / @ribmcde / @warwronged / @actorkills / @fourrarri / @fosterskeeper / @vicemirrored / @vmprwtch / @peacefulapostle / @honorborn / @wargod / @wonwars / @waywardsignns / @inorationis / @deathscorned / @ncisepcllution / @lycanlead / @hauntediris / @tommyhtm + your other blogs / @phantomally + your other blogs / @abisnorida / @frstpearson / @nytchld / @agentbeyond / @scouscr / @vplameni / @monikalone / @sheslayyys / @sheflirts / @skllington / @skeptus / @ultraviolentis / @greyheroes / @outlawiism / @doefied / @conseille / @seeksghosts + your other blogs / @forsesti / @blacklistcr / @betterhealing / @bowitched / @bonewitchery / @theednygma / @conseille / @soliswrote / @rebelstwo / @divisus / @diversifiedpersonas / @hisband / @grcndel / @dnawield / @soypeor / @talewoven / @yblchth / @halloweeenies / @coldslayers / @iilvecchio / @discandi / @beelzbvb / @snipare / @brenheir / @johtei / @pastfound / @necrogal / @necrophagic / @neonglowed / @halvtblod / @maskedform / @enkaioni / @deddomun / @knifewields / @kerflooey / @likespooky / @happymediium / @happykcd / @vladdad / @endheir / @curdledmiilk / @firstdraper / @thcfreak / @revengah / @lcstrega / @strlcss / @strigct / @hanahakioni / @mortuiflores / @bozojesus / @madeherchoices / @madburnishdetroit / @apostleled / @wiltpetals / @scmperviren / @rainbowsongs / @powertook / @mortiiicia / @mortuam / @macebre / @pestilencepriest / @huntsaliens / @huntpyre / @dptysns / @theppgs / @thicktville / @citylives / @cadaever / @jcinthedance / @jesteriina / @jehstr / @jenasil / @occultspecialists / @exorsista / @aislinqs / @gwaed / @obsessicn / @confcssed / @enravaged / @morbosi / @alwayscutoff / @personsuited / @edgecutting / @heaimed / @clownlike / @warjournal / @selfbest / @shekore / @senoyer / @nuiweion / @slayscryptids / @footagecaught / @toshapeshift / @eyeswaps / @eyedented / @crysbeckett / @4-6-4-1-9 / @gothsrot / @witchbonds / @vctivus / @realityrot / @realcomedian / @wulventyr / @montanaerobics / @sexwins / @coucheravec / @snapsbeast / @ordinryman / @deathtaught / @edhelgund / @herheal / @heavensdecay / @gumihc / @pestired / @byersmom / @skateshe / @wantlonger / @veiledpeak / @wasben / @apostaet / @girlquaked / @betterthanmorty / @ascotwearing / @witcheking / @yourbloodbelongstome / @omatics / @rcdteeth / @nomither / @prodigil / @prouddov / @obscenesupreme / @roguepiece / @isempath / @babaayaaga / @burglarie / @enruined / @visionsent / @spellfear / @spelltricks / @deadgirldani / @dctorsleep / @dcputyrook / @dcllparted / @huntsighted / @prceteritus / @wildardor / @vigilink / @cupidvvitch / @liftedrelics / @mediocremorals / @heamatic / @heartmiles / @omegles / @motivelacking / @mistoffelous / @bberkman / @blondieat / @starszakrew / @fraudcoded / @thequarrelsome / @deathatyourdoorstep / @egopath / @hariolor / @tolerhate / @useknives / @starleft / @jeanjacketed / @tiimedtm / @wanderlustmuses / @musewritten / @houseofwindows / @magicalshe / @ozwolff / @jigento / @cthlicdevil / @hailiing / @31daughter / @epitideios / @metareview / @fiercemarked / @iceized / @phantomwhisp / @abomichor / @luemiere / @blckaiser / @inqustve / @toheavyn / @atnoctum / @vicemirrored / @thirtnth / @pyoniumyankee / @onlycertainty / @putryd + many many others whom i’m currently following!
i wish i could have included everyone who’s currently following me, but just know that if we’re mutuals, you’re included. these are as many as i could remember, but i want everyone to know that you are all appreciated by me, especially considering how you are all really the ones to thank for making my time here so wonderful! you are all amazing, truly amazing. in the coming weeks, i will do my best to interact with mutuals new and old.
keep your chins held high. each portrayal is special, each roleplayer brings something new to the table, and if you ever need a friend, i am always here for you.
once again, THANK YOU ALL for your support!
SINCERELY,
ALEX
#SOMETHING ABOUT YOU MAKES ME WANT TO KEEP YOU IN MY LIFE. - BIAS LIST.#( i made this promo graphic like........ last week )#( or actually earlier this week and then i HAD TO REVISE IT WHAT THE FUCK )#( I... WOW )#( falls back on my bed as i go back to writing starters and ask responses AHHH )#( im gonna announce the q & a as well... perhaps ill do that sunday )#( ANYWAYS HAVE THIS )#( i tried to get as many as you as possible so... forgive me... )
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can you rank (loosely if u don't want to play exact favorites) villanelle's most important or influential denny relationships?
i’m just putting them roughly in the order she met/reunited with them on denny, for the record. and in case anyone was thinking of coming for me, this is just what i reckon are the most INFLUENTIAL, good and bad, not a complete list of her friends or family or important interactions
okay and this is just going underneath a cut because it got long as fuck
fox is villanelle’s best friend, her -- if we lived in the, like, idk, homestuck universe (not to immediately make this cursed.) where you can have a romantic soulmate AND a platonic soulmate, he’s her platonic soulmate. and in terms of influence, i want to emphasize how much of villanelle’s denny arc, like... could not have been possible without fox. fox was the first person who was ever kind to her despite having absolutely no reason to be, and he was also the person who challenged her in such an important way at such an important time. during the whole GRACE plot, HE came back for her, and HE’S the one who essentially said “look, you have a choice. you’re not just a tool for this organization. one way or another, you need to make a choice.” which. again. a huge first in her life!
i’m trying to keep these short and sweet since i have so many to talk about, but genuinely like... i cannot understate fox’s importance as a part of villanelle’s life. and for her to even be able to have a best friend, to begin with? that’s such a like, idk. cornerstone of things Normal People Get To Have, and every day i write her i am so so happy she found him. from an ooc perspective, they’ve like, been to hell and back together also, and there’s a fierce kind of joy as writer when you look at a relationship that’s over a year old and has evolved so much over that time and get to go “we made this together!!!”
konstantin meanwhile is... well, he’s the healthiest parental figure villanelle’s ever had. which. really isn’t a high bar! their relationship has always been so tempestuous because it is built on konstantin’s manipulation of villanelle, both to use her for his own gain and... y’know, for his own survival, being able to manage her as long as he did! but he also genuinely loves her, and has gone out of his way on a number of occasions to protect her or help her or take care of her whereas it’s quite likely that most of the twelve’s handlers... just wouldn’t give a shit! i highly doubt that the twelve are the kind of organization where you’re supposed to get actually attached to your agent. and for villanelle, konstantin’s affection for her makes things more confusing, because it’s hard for her to ever draw the line between what’s sincere affection and what’s manipulation. post-canon update, she kind of now aggressively thinks he’s full of shit and is rejecting him for her own well-being which i think! is an important boundary for villanelle to be able to learn to set for herself! and you and i have spoken about how we don’t want to reconcile that immediately, but i also think... she would very much miss him and that it would be very, very strange for her to be without him when she’s ALWAYS had him to fall back on on denny, and indeed in most of her adult life in general. she needs to learn to stand without him, but at the same time.... i’m super interested to see how they approach each other now from this more honest, fractured place.
and then we have ruby , which. i still think ruby and villanelle are one of the most delightfully unexpected panfandom dynamics i’ve ever helped form PERIOD. and it’s interesting because hunter and i have always talked about how you would never expect these two characters to connect on the surface -- and you wouldn’t! but in exploring the ways they’re different, we’ve also found these really jarring similarities between them, too? and i think in a way, they’ve kind of bled into each other on top of that. villanelle’s relationship with ruby is like, INCREDIBLY formative to her learning empathy and just how to... nurture a relationship and be there for other people, but she has also become someone who ruby looks up to, and i think she’s contributed to maybe. Darkening ruby a bit, in that way.
i also think of all the girls, ruby is the one who villanelle has the most explicitly maternal relationship with. weiss too, but i’ll get into why i think that works a bit differently in weiss’ section. but anyway, WHEN you have that kind of relationship with someone, at least when you’re approaching it with earnesty and a determination to do it Right, it challenges you with a certain kind of responsibility that i think has been essential to villanelle’s development too. not only has it taught villanelle how you love someone in a comparatively selfless way from what she’s used to, but requires from her a certain kind of self-awareness and moral awareness (if she doesn’t care about doing the right thing In General, she cares about doing right by ruby) that has allowed her to mature a bit on denny. so yeah, ABSOLUTELY one of of villanelle’s most influential dynamics.
she’s obviously also very close with weiss, and i would also call her feelings for weiss maternal, but compared to ruby/villanelle i think weiss and villanelle’s relationship tends to take on a more Sisterly overtone on the surface. and i think that’s maybe because weiss HAS a sister who is basically villanelle’s age, who is her other maternal figure, so for weiss that’s more just how these kinds of feelings tend to Manifest. idk. you know, not to speak for jay, that’s just my take on it. but while weiss and villanelle have never really clashed the way ruby and villanelle have and then had to work through resolving that, i think in a way weiss just holds villanelle more accountable on a more day to day basis? they’re always quite honest with each other, weiss has always been quick to call her out, and like -- post-graceplot, for instance, weiss was the one who was like “i believe you didn’t mean to hurt us but you still need to find a way to make this right.”
and not that weiss did this deliberately, but she’s also the person who REALLY tested the person villanelle has become on denny and how... committed she is to loving the people she loves, via everything that went down during the hunger games. the way villanelle feels about the sacrifice she made is still really complicated -- it’s not something she feels comfortable being commended for, but it’s also not something she regrets. she’s not one to put selfless sacrifice on a pedestal, especially not in a horrible situation like that where neither of them should have had to to begin with, but a part of her... does find a deep sense of relief in finding this validation that her love for weiss - and all the girls, really - is real, and that she proved it to herself. after the games, i think maybe villanelle can be open with weiss in a way that she can’t entirely be with the rest of the girls. it’s just one of those things where if you go through something like that together, the bond it forges is quite unique.
i wavered on whether to include blake because villanelle didn’t do quite as much active development with her or yang, but i’m throwing blake in here for a few reasons. 1) post-graceplot when villanelle was kind of avoiding everyone, blake was the person who was able to approach that from the most empathetic point of view since she had just recently been on a “running away from everyone” arc herself, and i think that ultimately helped villanelle a lot in easing into wanting to make things right.
2) blake’s death during the games, and her not coming back afterwards, was a HUGE driving factor in how desperately angry villanelle became after the fact. it’s also maybe the most raw experience she’d had with grief up to that point, and it wasn’t something she was able to reconcile. that loss really helped to fuel her rage and also taught villanelle that even when you do your best to love someone else, things can still go wrong and you can still lose them, and that... wasn’t an easy thing for her to come to terms with.
and 3) she promised to fuck up adam for her if he ever showed up which, i think, should be the driving goal of the rest of villanelle’s life,
sun and villanelle aka the single greatest example of “what if we jokingly shipped this oh god oh no wait i’m invested.” look they were always meant to be temporary but they were so goddamn sweet! while they lasted! i think planning temporary ships can give characters MOUNTAINS of development that endgame ships just can’t give you in the same way (not to say there’s not plenty of development that comes from endgame ships; i’m just saying there’s. a special kind of development that comes specifically from being brave enough to approach ending things with finality.) in villanelle’s case, that kind of stable, sweet relationship where she was tempering so much of herself deliberately could have never lasted, but it was good for her to get to experience that for a little while regardless? while i don’t think she was in love with sun, she did learn to just love him, and i think the clarity and simplicity sun approaches people in general with was something villanelle really benefited (and still benefits) from. most of all, it was significant for her to be able to see and understand that she wasn’t going to be able to be present and stable in that relationship in the way that sun deserved, and to make the decision to let him go. even if she was never OBSESSIVE about sun, villanelle still used to be a pretty selfish person who didn’t see any reason to let go of things if she enjoyed them, so i think. it can’t be underestimated, what sun taught her about love.
emerald and villanelle have come SUCH a long way. first they were friends, then they were very bitter enemies, now they’re friends again approaching even a familial fondness. when villanelle was angry at emerald, it was never so much morally based as it was specifically based in the way emerald had hurt ruby, and penny, and had lied to villanelle herself. and although they started to resolve that after em didn’t take the chance to take advantage of villanelle during the memory glitch, i really think it was all the cinder stuff that allowed them to become close again. there are a lot of parallels between emerald and villanelle: both of them have coped by refusing to acknowledge the depths they’d sunken into over their heads with their respective organizations, both of them have been stuck in incredibly fucked up situations with older women. i think when villanelle acknowledges what emerald’s been through and is able to recognize that and feel compassion for her, she’s in a way learning to feel compassion for herself, and that’s very significant. i’d love to see how they evolve after villanelle’s canon update because i think now she’ll even have. More feelings about that. and i also think on some subconscious level as the new fall maiden she feels some kind of obligation to em, to be better than cinder was.
eve is, of course, a given on a list like this. she is such a powerful - the most powerful, in fact - influence on villanelle in any universe, and i think a lot about that in the context of villanelle having so many other people in her life now who she loves and who love her. as we’ve kind of seen on at least one occasion, if villanelle had to choose between eve and everything and everyone else she has... she would always choose eve. which isn’t something i’m trying to paint as sweepingly romantic (i love villaneve and i love how disastrous they are around one another, but i can still admit i’d be concerned for someone who would choose their partner over EVERY OTHER LOVED ONE THEY HAVE COMBINED,) but then again, it’s not even necessarily only for romantic reasons. it’s because eve is someone and something villanelle... craves, needs, finds time and time again that she simply cannot live without.
and them trying to make a relationship with one another work on denny has really provided its own unique set of challenges that’ve had an impact on both of them. eve and villanelle are deeply intrinsically connected, but that doesn’t necessarily equate to peaceful coexistence. any semblance of that, i think, is something that they’re always going to have fight for durations of, because their instinct is so much to consume one another instead! while its effect on villanelle of course can’t be described as wholly healthy - like i just mentioned above, she can be pushed into that place where she just sabotages everything else in her life for eve even still - that isn’t to say that there aren’t things about eve that haven’t changed villanelle for the better too! because to even have a romantic relationship with eve for an extended period of time like she has, villanelle has had to get better at certain things. she’s had to access a place of vulnerability and willingness to communicate that she hasn’t with anyone else, she’s had to accept eve’s own agency and individuality separate from their relationship (which is something she did on denny even before season 3 had her do it in canon!), she’s even had to do things like confront what her, say, killing bill actually meant and how it affected and continues to affect eve. it’s an absolutely explosive and constantly unstable dynamic, but there is of course GENUINE love between the two of them, and i really love all the ways in which villanelle’s been challenged to fight for that.
carolyn bears a mention because she’s undoubtedly been hugely influential in the choices villanelle has made (and the ones which have been denied to her), especially lately. i don’t think villanelle ever particularly underestimated carolyn, but i think she was much too proud and too cocky to have imagined she’d have ever ended up under carolyn’s thumb the way she did. carolyn forced villanelle into the RID, and that was a situation villanelle was pretty complacent in for a while if only because it generally worked out for her. it took being backed into a corner to realize exactly how fucked she was, and interestingly enough i think that started to open villanelle’s eyes to the reality that she keeps ending up trapped by these higher powers, which is something that her canon update is going to heavily heavily emphasize. so. yeah, although while canon villanelle is mostly ambivalent to carolyn, denny villanelle absolutely HATES her. which. heh. may not end well. for at least one of them.
natasha is such a significant relationship for villanelle because i think, even with all the time she’s spent on denny and all the people she’s met? villanelle does not know... many people who are like her. most of her friends who know she’s an assassin either shy away from that part of her, or acknowledge it without really understanding what it means or what villanelle’s relationship is with killing and her own inner darkness. but natasha is such a PARALLEL to villanelle in so many ways, she was shaped into a weapon and told it’s the thing that defines her too, and even though she got out, she still has to grapple with that part of herself every single day. villanelle and natasha have their differences, sure, their variations in character and how their individual stories play out, but they also share a very specific understanding with one another that i don’t think either of them can really get anywhere else at the moment. and that’s a huge part of why nat has been such a significant influence on villanelle. when nat shows villanelle compassion, it comes from a deep, unfiltered place of empathy, something that could never be mistaken as Pity because they both understand what an insult that would be. when nat shows kindness and affection towards villanelle, it always seems to come from a place of “i understand the place you’re in completely, and you deserve to be treated like a human being anyway” which i think is so tragically ironic considering the self-loathing nat still carries around with her.
and i think there’s a part of villanelle that... while on denny she’s never expressed outward interest in completely changing her lifestyle or anything like that, i think there’s a part of her that looks at nat and admires how far she’s dug herself out of the hole she was in and, in some small quiet way, hopes to be like her someday.
pyrrha is pretty unique among the ruby girls in that like, rather than bonding with her gradually, villanelle kind of latched onto her immediately in a very “THIS IS TEAM RWBY’S DEAD LOVED ONE I MUST PROTECT HER” sort of way. which is interesting in its own way, because villanelle is rarely that protective of other people, and i think it goes beyond the physical (because she knows pyrrha can take care of herself) and more into the emotional. which villanelle does not especially consider herself well-equipped to handle, but hey, she’s gotta make sure pyrrha values herself beyond just what she can give or sacrifice to others!!!
on the subject, in terms of influence i have to mention that pyrrha gave her life for villanelle during the games, which is something that no one has ever done for her before, and an event which directly compelled villanelle to do the same for weiss. i don’t think villanelle knows how to even... address that, really, and can’t fully process the scope of it even though she made a similar decision in the end. in simplified terms, she feels like she owes pyrrha a debt, and one she hasn’t yet fathomed a way to repay.
elizabeth really just started out as a minor infatuation, a lil crush like villanelle gets on any pretty woman who intrigues her for more than 5 minutes. her flirtations with elizabeth were all in line with that, and i don’t think villanelle really realized how much she was encouraging elizabeth’s feelings for an attachment to her, particularly because her own feelings were not particularly intense for the first stretch of their friendship! in a way, villanelle’s relationship with elizabeth is a good examination and challenge of something i haven’t really done before with villanelle, which is that, like. it’s not her fault that she doesn’t bond or attach the way other people do (or at least, is much slower to), but she also has virtually no self-awareness of the way she engages and sometimes leads people on as a result. a lot could have been averted if she’d just... had the sense to set boundaries or had found a way to be more honest about the person she is.
but a lot’s happened since then, and now villanelle has to contend with the fact that she DOES love elizabeth, but at a time when their relationship has already just become too strained and impossible for the time being. additionally, villanelle really has no reference at all for being IN love with someone (or approaching that, anyway) in a way that’s non-obsessive and more quiet and gradual and just... very different from the way she loves eve, so she has a real hard time distinguishing this grey area between platonic and romantic feelings. because villanelle is still very literal in the interpretation of her emotions, so her reference for being in love with someone is “eve”, and she doesn’t know how to recognize anything on such a different part of the spectrum (particularly because villanelle is probably physically attracted to like, many of her platonic adult friends,)! SO elizabeth and villanelle’s relationship is very influential in the sense that it really pushes villanelle into exploring parts of herself and emotional experiences that she hasn’t really yet.
do i need to put cinder here? she wasn’t in villanelle’s life for very long, but technically she is the reason villanelle has maiden powers, which changed her life entirely, so,
and then i’ll also toss in jigsaw (and technically also handsome jack), who will be INCREDIBLY pleased to know that his trap had a lasting effect one way or the other. don’t get me wrong, she was pissed as hell about it and would go on the WARPATH if she ever caught so much as a whiff of their involvement, but i mean. aside from the fact that lasting trauma definitely counts as an influence, i think it is one of the events that definitely brought villanelle closer to and more attached to eve, if perhaps in a. somewhat codependent and overprotective way. still can’t believe they caught villanelle saying she would give up everything else in her life and die for her gf ON TAPE,
#fizzlep0p#tony genuinely this is an essay you dont need to feel obligated to read it all#or read it all in one sitting#BUT THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME THE EXCUSE TO GUSH ABOUT THESE DYNAMICS IVE LOVED SO MUCH#seriously this started out as a quick list of character names and then i wrote like 2 paragraphs for each of them#so feel free to look up your character (s) and then just nope out#cuts dennys lvad wire#long post /#i guess. because the cut will not fucking work the way its supposed to for some reason
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why do u like bioshock 2 more? genuinely curious, i do think the game gets shit on 2 much but imo didnt expand upon the original in a way i (personally) enjoyed, would luv 2 hear ur thoughts
tbh i don't like the idea that games have to "reinvent the wheel" to be considered good, bc its just resulted in games constantly trying to outdo each other and focus on whatever Brand New Thing they can add to a game whether it's graphics or some new button you can press or whatever, rather than focusing on how to tell a good story and ensure a player experience that is impactful or enjoyable. like how a major draw with anthem was the jetpacks and being able to fly everywhere, which was "groundbreaking", except the actual game sucked ass and less than a year after release very few people actually play it. so i don't find it really helpful to measure a game by how original it is but by how well it was executed and the ways in which it impacted those who played it.
& from that perspective bioshock 2 is one of my favourite games, because it took the most striking parts of the original (like the setting) and created a story out of it that i found a lot more emotionally meaningful and asked philosophical questions that weren't 1) easy to answer and 2) felt more relevant and applicable to my own human experience. it ties into my central storytelling philosophy that if it doesn't center love or passion in some capacity i don't really care about it. it took bioshock's setting and elaborated more on the dehumanizing aspects of capitalism and the ways in which people will harm others for their own gain, whether financial or social or otherwise, and the abuse parents inflict on their children and call it love.
subject delta's story has stayed with me since i first played it 6? 7? years ago. bioshock 2's story of a man who was captured and violated and stuffed into this metal suit he's now completely reliant on for survival and brainwashed by some libertarian capitalist dystopia under the sea and put in charge of caring for a little girl who would be violated in similar ways by her own mother, who then murders him when she realises that her daughter and this "monster" love each other as parent and child more than her daughter loves her, who is then resurrected by the daughter when she escapes from her mother as an adult so you can help save her and other little girls from being brainwashed and abused and violated is a 100000x more impactful for me than than the story in the original bioshock, which i would argue is not a story centered around passion or love, at least not in a way that is as meaningful. it's a good story and a good game, but it hasn't stayed with me like delta's story in bioshock 2.
the entire game you're trying to find eleanor, your daughter in every way that counts, and you can choose to become the monster the capitalists tried to brainwash you into being or you can save as many people as possible. subject delta is traumatised but wholly motivated by love for his daughter. through the game you examine the ways in which capitalism dehumanizes all of us, but especially the most vulnerable in society by denying them agency, self determination, an identity. subject delta broke his programming by loving eleanor, he broke his programming to find her and he breaks his programming by defying his "creator" over and over again to do what is right. in the "good" ending, you've saved every little sister, every Actual Tiny Child, from being brainwashed and experimented on and turned into a resource harvesting machine for profit, and you've saved eleanor, and for the first time all of them have the right to self determination. you die, yes, but you sacrifice yourself for them, and you live on forever as part of eleanor and she carries what you taught her with her for the rest of her life and chooses to do good and break her own capitalist programming. she defies her mother and the years of abuse she suffered at her hands to carve her own story and do the right thing by preventing her mother from hurting other children the way she was hurt.
i love subject delta. he physically cannot speak the entire game because capitalism has literally taken away his voice, but hes still able to use his "voice" by impacting the lives of others and making the deliberate choice to do the right thing. throughout the story you begin to understand what they did to this man, who he was before, what they made him do, what they took from him, and it's so tragic and heartbreaking and painfully relevant to our current society. while the game is science fiction, everything i've mentioned is applicable to any capitalist society especially our own. capitalism doesn't want us to be motivated by love or passion, it doesn't want us to do the right thing no matter the cost, it doesn't want us take back our agency from those who oppress us, it wants us to be quiet and subservient and do as we're told because it lines the pockets of the powerful. it's an incredibly powerful story from that angle, but also to approach it as an abuse survivor. your parent might love you, but not in the way you deserve to be loved, not in the right way, and you are allowed to carve your own destiny without them.
to me, bioshock 2 is about saying "no, you do not get to decide who i am, you do not get to erase my humanity" and emphasizes something core to me: loving people and being loved by people is the greatest honour, and it makes everything else we suffer through in this life worthwhile. loving people in the right way, in a selfless way, is a holy thing, and in a world that wants us broken and yielding to stand up and fight for the people you love and do the right thing is worth it at any cost. that entire concept is central to who i am as a person, its fundamental to my perspective and the way i live my life, which is why that same narrative thread in bioshock 2 hits me like a brick, for better or for worse.
#long post#anyway now i have to go replay bioshock 2#sorry i wrote an essay im bad at shutting up#i just have a lot of things to say
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Family realizing that Luther's first time was technically rape? He was under the influence, and wasn't himself, so it was so way that he actively consented and instead just kinda went with the flow of whatever's happening. Luther didnt really get it but he felt used and dirty and cheap, but doesn't understand why. But someone realizes this (Klaus? Diego? Both??) And realizes how traumatic it must've been to wake up naked with a stranger and done something that is said to be sacred.
I’m really sorry this took so long - I greatly appreciate your patience! I hope this is what you were looking for.
TW: discussion of non-consensual sex and explicitly written panic attacks
con·sent
/kənˈsent/
noun
1.permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.“no change may be made without the consent of all the partners”
Consent. Clear consent. That is a concept that Diego and all of his siblings learned from a young age. When the Hargreeves were old enough, fifteen to be exact, Grace gave her children a lesson on what consent means and why it’s important. Diego doesn’t think Reginald put her up to it, as it wasn’t as smooth as her usual powerpoint “rehearsed” scripted lessons. It felt much more personable - much more intimate.
She called the children into the study after dinner one night, which usually they spent that time helping clean up. But she insisted that this was important and the dishes could wait. Of course, they obliged. It was a twenty-minute lecture. Grace sat at the front of the room, sitting legs crossed on the desk, hands held loosely in her lap.
She gently explained that in order to have any sexual contact with another person, there must be a clear “yes” given. She especially emphasized that even if the other party seems like they are wanting whatever is going on, that there must be a clear discourse on both ends that ends in agreement on what is going to happen. Grace laid out the facts and statistics about rape and sexual assault to the kids. Not to scare them of course, but to make sure they were aware of the epidemic.
Klaus, who was infamous for interrupting practically every lesson with comments varying from inquisitive to straight up annoying, was uncharacteristically silent the entire time. His eyes were transfixed on Grace as he sat at the desk with his mouth slightly agape and soaking in every word that came from their mother’s mouth.
No one spoke a word until quiet, little Ben raised his hand and asked, “Mom, can boys get hurt like that too?”
Grace’s features immediately softened as she leaned over to his desk and placed her hand on top of his.
“Of course they can, Ben. I want you all to be careful. I don’t want a single one of you getting hurt.”
Which is why Diego is sat frozen at the dinner table, the rest of his siblings watching him with varying degrees of confusion and concern. He’s replaying a scene in his head. Well, a scene that he wasn’t really there for. He’s only heard bits and pieces of the event.
But Klaus mentioned it again tonight. It was a simple, passing comment. Nothing too out of the blue coming from their brother. It was a typical Klaus-style, harmless jest. He made them to everyone, not just Luther. Whether it be a “brooding Diego” comment or a “baby boy Five”, they all knew it never came from a place of malice. It was never intended to harm.
But the look on Luther’s face spoke volumes. And that’s when it all clicked.
Luther was raped. Luther, their valiant leader, their beloved captain ‘o captain, was taken advantage of. He was touched sexually without consent. Not only that, but he had never had sexual contact before and he cannot even remember his first time. God, Diego felt like he was going to be sick.
“Diego?” He finally heard Ben’s gentle voice call from his left. That snapped himself out of his thoughts. He shook his head slightly and swallowed roughly, staring blankly at his plate. He didn’t even know how to start with this, how to even wrap his head around this newfound information. He’s pissed at himself for not putting it together sooner, for not realizing.
“Diego, is something wrong? Are you hurt?” Five quipped, his voice raising with each question.
He shook his head, finally looking up and scanning his siblings. Should he tell them? Should he bring it up now, in front of everyone? Would Luther want that? Probably not, no. This isn’t something that you bring up at the dinner table. Something like this isn’t easy to swallow. Luther deserved to be told alone.
“No yeah, I’m okay. Sorry, I just,” He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “It was something Klaus said. I sorta…got lost in my head is all.”
“Oh?” Klaus spoke up, the crooked grin he wore during meal times gone. “I didn’t realize…I say a lot of daft things these days. I’m sorry if I upset you.”
“No, no, it’s okay.” Diego pressed, waving a hand in his direction “It’s um.” He shifted his gaze from Klaus to Luther, who was watching him with furrowed brows and concerned eyes.
“It’s fine, man. Don’t worry about it.” Diego picked up his spoon and forked another bite of rice pilaf in his mouth, adamant on the conversation not going any further. The rest of them seemed to get the memo, none of them wanting to get stabbed (not physically of course - a threat at worst). So they all eventually resumed their previous conversation, Klaus’ grin back.
Dinner went on without a hitch after that, the seven of them eating in casual conversation. It was Luther’s turn for dishes that night and Diego immediately jumped to follow him into the kitchen, stacks of plates in both of his hands.
“Hey bro, let me help with that.” Diego said, dropping his stack into the sink and grabbing a hand towel along the way. He placed himself at Luther’s side, drying the dishes Luther already washed and placing them on the counter.
“Oh, thank you Diego. I appreciate it.” Luther met Diego’s eyes, a genuine smile plastered on the blonde’s face. Diego felt his heart break ever so slightly at the sight. He’s still working himself up for this conversation. How do you explain to your brother that he was sexually assaulted? How do you even begin to unload something that heavy, that life altering, into conversation?
Well, the answer is you simply do not. Diego and Luther worked in silence, forming a comfortable rhythm. There were a few passing comments about Diego’s boxing or Luther’s poetry class here and there, but nothing more than that. The two of them were able to finish the dishes within ten minutes and they said their parting goodnight’s for the night.
Luther, walking off to his bedroom and Diego doing the same. Well, that is until Klaus quite literally intercepted him, placing himself right in front of Diego in the middle of the hall, arms crossed.
“Di, I know something’s up. Spill.” Klaus raised his eyebrow, watching Diego with a certain intensity that he only saw when he was interrogating Five about his sleeping habits. He wasn’t going to let this go easy, that much was evident.
“Klaus, buddy, listen it’s not really my place so…” Diego trailed, but Klaus wasn’t satisfied with that answer.
“Ben said it was my Luther cherry popping comment that made you all,” Klaus waved his hands in a vague, frantic gesture around his head.
“It isn’t the first time I’ve said something about it so what exactly was so offensive this time?”
Diego sighed and nodded his head towards his room, silently asking Klaus to follow. To which he did, trailing behind his brother until the two of them were sat on the bed. Klaus was able to quickly read the urgency of the situation however as he saw how tense Diego was. His shoulders were hunched and his jaw was clenched, things he only did when something was really, really wrong.
“Dude, what is it? I’m sorry if I like…I don’t know, crossed a line? I do that, I know. I’m trying to get better at that shit though. Ya know, being more sensitive to everyone and stuff so if I messed up, let me know?” Klaus said frantically, eyes bouncing between both of Diego’s.
Diego was silent for a few more moments, trying to form the words in his mind. He couldn’t sugar coat this, no. There was no way you could make light of the situation.
“Luther was raped.” He drew out the statement slowly, careful to not let his emotions come out too much and stutter. It was too early for that.
Klaus sat there, blinking about 20 times a second. Diego could see the wheels turning in his head, his pursed lips and furrowed brows speaking for him.
“What do you mean raped? You mean his lil lady friend from the club? He was fine, bro - wait. Wait no. No, no, no…” Klaus shook his head his head furiously, running his hands over his face.
Fucking hell. How did Klaus not put that together? He fucking congratulated Luther on “popping his cherry” the morning after. He had the audacity to not only rob Luther of his agency to tell the others, but he’s continued to bring it up since that night. Since the “almost end of the world”.
And every time he does, Luther stays silent. Not that that is too unusual for him, but he should’ve known. He should’ve known better. How could he have dismissed this so easily? It’s not like he’s never woken up next to a stranger with no recollection of the events the night before. He remembers how terrifying it was the first time. But that being your actual first time? He couldn’t even imagine.
“Diego I..I fucked up. I gotta make it better. Does he even, like, know? Or realize?” Klaus’ voice was barely above a whisper.
Diego shook his head slightly, “I don’t know, man. Tonight, when you brought it up he just sort of… froze? It was different from his usual adamance to your antics. It was the first time I noticed it, which is why I got all,” Diego mimicked the vague, frantic motion Klaus did earlier which caused the curly haired man to give a small smile.
“You’re right though, we have to tell him.” Diego agreed.
“He’s usually in his room working on his poems or art after dinner, right? We should do it now. The sooner the better, I think.” Klaus suggested, pointing his thumb at the door.
“Yeah, okay. Let’s go.” The two brothers walked out of the room and down the hall to Luther’s. Diego knocked lightly at the door, his stomach twisting.
“Come in!” They heard Luther call from the other side. Diego took a deep breath and opened the door, finding Luther at his desk and working quite diligently on a painting.
It was beautiful. It looked to be the view from the moon. The black sky shone with accents of glitter and the moon surface itself seemed to be illuminated. The Earth had a beautiful mixture of blue and green, and at the very center was a small red heart. Right where New York is, where they all are. He was definitely getting better at painting, something Diego cursed at himself for not commenting on before.
“That looks really good, bro.” Klaus said with a smile, pointing at the painting. Luther seemed to absolutely beam at the validation.
“Thanks, Klaus. It’s fun. Helps me clear my mind and all. And it’s a better coping mechanism than isolating myself.” Luther said lightly.
“So what’s up? Not that I don’t want to hang with you guys, but you both seem sorta tense. Is everything alright?” Luther’s big brother voice came out as he shifted in his seat to face them more.
Diego and Klaus shared a glance before sitting themselves on his bed. Klaus was playing with the hem of his shirt in between two fingers and Diego just stared off at the wall behind Luther. Neither of them really rehearsed this, no. But they both knew this conversation needed to happen.
“Listen, Luther. I, uh,” Klaus started, “wanted to talk to you about something. It’s about the night club.”
Luther tensed as Klaus spoke. He hated talking about that night, hated remembering it. He hurt Klaus, he hurt him so badly when he was just trying to help him. He got him killed, he knew that. And it’s something he’ll never forget.
“Klaus…I’m sorry for being so inconsiderate and stupid I-”
“No, no Luther this isn’t like a lecture or anything. I know you’re sorry and I forgive you. Lord knows I’ve done even more stupid things.” He reached over and gave his gloved hand a squeeze, hoping that would relieve some of Luther’s tension.
“Luther, that night.” Diego finally spoke up, voice unusually soft, “You were…that woman you met. Do you remember anything?”
“I uh, no. Not really, no.” Luther gulped, his eyes dancing between his two brothers. “Why?”
“Lu, you were high. Like, unbelievably so. You didn’t… you couldn’t have consented.” Klaus said gently, “It wasn’t consensual, was it?”
Luther opened his mouth to say something but immediately shut it. He shifted in his seat, taking shallow breaths. It was getting harder to breathe.
“I-I don’t know. I don’t feel right about it. It doesn’t feel right. It…” He squeezed his eyes shut, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. Luther felt his heart race increasing, his palms getting sweaty. He stood up but immediately started to tumble back. He felt lightheaded and he managed to knock one of the planes off his shelf.
Which, shit. This isn’t good, Klaus’ brain expresses the obvious out loud. Diego and Klaus waste no time rushing towards their brother. The two of them place a firm hand on each shoulder.
“Hey, let’s sit down, yeah? It’s okay, Lu.” Klaus led the shaken man to his bed, rubbing his hand on his back in circles.
They needed to get Luther to calm down, to breathe. The last one of them to have a panic attack was Five. They all have instructed him through them before, Luther being the best at it. But Luther needed their help now. They needed to be there for him like he always was for them.
“Listen to my voice, okay? Breathe in for seven seconds, hold for four, out for ten. That’s it…” Diego instructed, taking initiative and following the orders himself. Klaus followed suit, meeting Diego’s eyes in mutual panic.
“You’re okay.” Klaus said with a nervous smile and Luther shook his head, his breathing becoming more and more labored with each second.
“C’mon, Lu. Listen to Diego. In for seven…that’s it, good man. Hold! And out…”
The three of them sat in silence as they listened to Diego’s counting for the next few minutes, repeating the exercise over and over.
The worst of it was finally over by the tenth run through and Luther took a deep, shaky breath. It wasn’t pretty, he choked in the air, but it was much more even than it had been before. And he did it again, gasping for air.
“Back with us?” Klaus asks, voice calm and hand still rubbing circles on the small of Luther’s back.
The blonde gave a shaky nod in response.
“Sorry.” He manages to croak out.
“Nothing to be sorry for, Lu. Take your time.” Diego pressed, placing a hand on Luther’s arm.
“I-I didn’t, I don’t,” Luther shakes his head in frustration, “I feel dirty. It shouldn’t have happened. I shouldn’t have done it…I didn’t want to! I didn’t!” Tears are falling freely from his eyes now as he starts to turn in on himself. He lets out a pained, heart wrenching sob. His wide body jerks in response. It wasn’t possible for this man to look small, but right in this moment, Diego and Klaus have never seen him look any smaller.
“It’s not your fault, Luther. Okay? You’re right, it should not have happened. B-but it did…and I’m sorry. But it doesn’t make you wrong. You are not wrong.” Diego stresses.
He hated seeing Luther in this state. Strong, stoic Luther. Their fearless leader was hurting. Even at their worst, even at every single one of their Hargreeves-typical destructive and dangerous times, Diego never saw Luther break. At least not like this.
Luther always put on a brave face; he was always so adamant on making his family believe this facade that everything is going to be okay. He felt that as the big brother, it was his responsibility to make sure his siblings were okay. But Luther isn’t okay. And that’s something neither of them ever could’ve been prepared to witness.
“Luther, buddy, we love you. I’ve been in similar situations and it hurts. God, it fucking hurts. It’s scary and I get how isolating that feeling is. I’m so sorry I just dismissed you so quickly. I should not have done that, whether I realized what happened or not. But I promise you I’m gonna help you get through this. We both are.” Klaus took hold of Luther’s hand, giving it a tight squeeze. He was going to be there for Luther. No matter what he needed, no matter how long it took, he wasn’t going to leave his side. And he knew Diego wouldn’t either.
Luther looked at the hand in his and met Klaus’ eyes. They were so much more bright nowadays, gleaming emerald even in the yellow lit room. And right now his eyes were filled with nothing but compassion. Luther believed him. He turned to Diego who had a matching look on his face. The brown eyed man gave him a firm nod, a small smile tugging on his lips.
“We love you, Captain.” Diego said, his tone light.
Luther closed his eyes and let out a watery chuckle at his childhood nickname. He sniffed a few times, his face still hot from the episode that barely passed. He wrapped his arms around both of their shoulders, leaning down to plant a kiss on the top of both of their heads. His brothers, his family, would always be there for him. He didn’t have to handle shit like this alone, he knew that. But sometimes it can get hard remembering it. But they’d be there to remind him.
“I love you too.”
#Luther Hargreeves#fanfic#the umbrella academy#tua#tua fanfic#luther hargreeves protection squad#diego hargreeves#klaus hargreeves#allison hargreeves#vanya hargreeves#five hargreeves#ben hargreeves#luther defense squad#luther positivity
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May I also have headcannons of TFP Megatron, Knockout and Predaking with female reader who never experienced genuine romance? She is usually confident and suave, but when it comes to romance, she is not. She quietly confesses that her previous exes never appreciated her nor made her feel beautiful, safe and warm: only wanting to use her. Then the mechs do what her exes failed to do, making the reader feel loved from their compliments, gentle caresses and telling her why they love her.
((A/N - I went a little slow with this one because I didn’t want to mess it up- it took me awhile to think about it so I hope you like it ))
Megatron
-To say that Megatron has never experienced genuine love would be a bold face lie probably told by the Autobot propaganda committee to make him look like some kind of unfeeling monster. He felt a deep love for all his fellow Cybertronians to the point he would overthrow an entire government in order to get them the freedom of choice they so truly deserved, he loved his position as a gladiator in the pits of Kaon as he was big on entertaining the masses with his bulk and combative wit, and he somehow found himself in some kind of romantically love with a squishy little human that managed to charm and seduce him in a way no one before her had ever accomplished, he was sure many have tried as he was quite the catch back in the days of his youth, but as time went on and he became a battle hardened and deeply scarred warlord- well, the prospect of bonding became a thing of the past. Yet, here you were, simply leaking regality while still possessing such a flirty and sensual attitude that it was hard to resist any command you threw at him. You could snap your fingers and demand he serve you his soldiers head’s on a spike and he would do it if it gave him any kind of chance of winning over your seemingly cold and unfeeling heart. It was actually kind of dangerous if you look at it objectively, the great and powerful Megatron becoming an enamoured slave to an insignificant and feeble little human, but really when has playing it safe and staying in one’s lane ever actually accomplished anything meaningful or significant. It was the risk takers and the trend setters who would always be remembered and always be kept in histories light as the ones who have made an impact to the way society was run, and he was hoping that maybe by being a said trend setter that maybe you would keep him in your radiant light that he has been craving to be in since you began to prove your worth to him in a way no other Cybertronian ever had before.
-You had him wrapped up around your little finger and the power was beginning to go to your head as you noticed so many vehicons refused to look you in the eye as you passed them by them in the halls of the ship, and you also noticed all of Megatron’s subordinates showing such great respect by offering up their frames as a way of pleasing you to get into your good graces so many times that it made your heart flutter a little with delight to know you can basically do whatever you wanted and get away with it because you were the favorite of the biggest and baddest bot in all of Cybertronian history. Truthfully however, at times, you felt like all of this attention and doting on should be given to someone who is more deserving of it than you. You were never seen as the most prime specimen of beauty in your culture and a long streak of messy and bad break ups seems to only continue to taunt and emphasize that to you. Lovable as never something you thought yourself to be as time and again you have been shown that every single one of your partners had to be that constant reminder that you were far from perfect and that you deserved to be alone forever because you were not their ideal woman. It was depressing honestly, and you sometimes had bad days where you couldn’t function because of those taunting and dark thoughts, they were there to remind you time and again that you were the embodiment of bitter energy and that romantic love will always be something that is unattainable by you- no one understood that as they would spout some fairy tale nonsense about everyone having their proverbial prince charming and how everyone will experience this amazing euphoric feeling in their lifetime. It was a load of crock, which was why you stopped sharing your secret affinity for things like finding your one true love amongst so many individuals- it was like trying to find the sheep amongst a pack of wolves, impossible and something you cannot foresee yourself being able to do. It hurt, but you know what, life goes on and you have to go along with it.
-This wasn’t a conversation you were really that willing to have, as it all started when Megatron expressed his “undying devotion” to you and exclaimed how he wished to hold you in his spark as someone who was more than just his dear little human spy and that he would do anything to keep you happy and safe so long as he is living and functioning, you got angry as you didn’t believe him. You yelled and screamed and called him a liar- and it seems this wasn’t the reaction he was expecting, it wasn’t that the feelings were not mutual, you actually felt great attraction towards Megatron, you just can’t trust yourself to know a difference between romantic attraction or sexual desires. The not being able to distinct between the two has gotten you in so many bad situations that you just decided completely to ignore those feelings. You broke down just thinking about it as you told this magnificent mech that it wasn’t him it was you- so many before have tricked and lied to you to manipulating you into thinking your romantic feelings were real, but really it was just them taking advantage of you and abusing you to the point you still question your emotions to this day. It frustrated and angered you more than it did make you cry, but all of these emotions surfacing, well it was hard to not become a little emotional remembering all of the bad shit you had to go through to get to this point. That was when Megatron stopped speaking words as you felt him grip your face to look at him from your position on a countertop- you had no idea what was reflecting in those normally cold optics, but you could have sworn in that moment there was a shimmering sparkle that was present that made you stop feeling so anxious and feel some kind of comfort that you never have before. That was all this moment was, just staring into one another’s eyes- his reflecting genuine love and compassion while you were sure yours reflected fear and anxiety but also a little bit of a new emotion that was a mix of hesitant understanding and a little bit of longing. You wanted to kiss him in that tender moment, so you reached up and he lifted you so you can nuzzle and plant a small tender kiss on his faceplate. Is this what love was, real romantic love? It felt good- and it felt better knowing Megatron was a mech of his word and would love you with his whole being without anger or an ounce of mistreatment.
Knockout
-You two had a whole lot in common, considering your personalities were almost one in the same. He enjoyed being the shiny and outstanding mech who was colored a deep and enticing color that it made others stop and admire his appearance whether eti was the mindless vehicons or some humans who noticed his alt mode parked outside somewhere- you liked to dress up and show off your appearance while wearing designer and beautiful clothing that made people stop and stare because they were admirable and jealous while wishing they could too look like that. You both also enjoyed having laughs and trading quips back and forth that others might interpret as hurtful exchanges but really were just sweet and innocent words that indicated you both were playing a long standing game that was only reserved for the two of you to know the rules and partake in. It could be constituted as flirting as you weren’t afraid to admit that this mech was most definitely the most attractive of all the Cybertronians you have come to witness- true he was rather a bit of a coward, but he was good looking so he had a pass to be just that. You were a little afraid of dying as well, and really, who in their right mind wasn’t afraid of a premature death so when things get to hot for you two to handle you are always the first ones to bail and retreat back to the sanctum of his lab on The Nemesis ship. It was fine though, as he was always there to check you for wounds and you were always there to buff his finish and vacuum his interior should anything happen to his appearance- it was nice to have someone to fall back on like this, and though you have thought that so many times before you had someone to “ride or die” with, maybe Knockout was the real deal this time? You hoped so, he is a good friend and the best being in the universe- you hope nothing can spoil this fun and fulfilling relationship. You two were one half of the same person after all, which was why the friendship was soon beginning to bud into another thing- it was there, but you didn’t know really what that thing was. Knockout has an idea of what this relationship was slowly stepping into but he didn’t want to rush you into anything, he knows your past and he wants to handle this with as much finesse as possible. That was a good thing, as finesse was his middle name so to speak, and there was no way he can screw this up… Right?
-There were so few things that Knockout had a genuine love for besides himself- he loved Breakdown as much as any mech could as they have been long time companions and long time brothers, he has a real love for the practice of medicine even if that practice is more for the dissection in order to learn and understand things first hand from the source material, and now he can say he has a genuine love for you and all of your quirky and interesting habits. He gets all star opticted when you laugh with that angelic tone and he has to stop himself from swooning when you make a bad joke directed at someone like Starscream and Soundwave because you were just so genuinely unafraid of them- it was a flex of your strength and power of them as an asset to Megatron and he loved it. You were just a human, but you were such an important key to their victory, it was intoxicating knowing not only where you attractive to look at (even if you deny it) but you were also intelligent and witty. You truly were the best rival to have when it came to having your little conversations to where you were so snarky that it made his spark swell with a new kind of emotion that he has never really experienced before. Breakdown told him it must be love but he doubted it, mechs like Knockout don’t fall in love and get tied down by some femme, no matter how amazing he thinks that femme is. Breakdown laughed at him after that, saying how similar the two of you really were, as unbeknownst to Knockout you also asked Breakdown what was going on. Wow, you guys even go to him for the same advise- it was so amusing watching you two just be so blissfully unaware of what was there that sometimes Breakdown wants to just smush your faces together until you kiss and have that “electrical shock” moment that you get when you share a moment with the one you love. You both have had a bad string of relationships however, so he will not pry or force anything and let the two of you figure it out on your own, because really that is what it comes down to. He can’t tell you both anything because you are both equally as stubborn and have to learn your lessons the hard way.
-Knockout knows your hard past and your ex lovers, Breakdown knows your hard past and your ex lovers, and you hated comparing what you have to the cherry red mech to what you used to ahve with those asshoels who made you feel so bad for having any kind of emotions towards them. You were experiencing new feelings you couldn’t describe, but you were also experiencing some old one that you wish would just go away so you never have to worry about them again. Your guts would get all funny and fluttery when you were in the same room as the Decepticon medic just like it had with some of your exs before you, but you felt so calm in his presences that it made you second guess the things your heart was trying to convey to your stubborn and angry brain- why did your body and soul literally have to ruin such an enriching and quality friendship by making you feel like this?! It must have been Knockout who said something, because you were so tight lipped about how you felt that it must have been him to bring it up, but there it was out in the open after one of your famous quip battles was stopped dead after he (or maybe it was you, no one really remembered) uttered the words “you say that you hate me, but in reality My Dear, we all know you love me as much as I love you”. You got a little panicky as you apologized for something, you are not sure what but you just kept repeating it as the good doctor could swear his breath was caught in his vent systems- well, this was not the finesse he normally had and you made him so damn nervous that the beans were spilled before he could even come up with a game plan. Here it was tough out in the open, and once you were done apologizing Knckout decided tha titwas going to be now or never to open up and try to have a for real moment with you. He stroked the top of your head with his claw as he tousled your hair a little while twirling it a little around his digit, he just let instinct take over as he has never done something like this before as he was just a broken as you were when it came to love, he went from stroking your hair to touching your face to which you froze and looked p at him with concern- there was something else plastered on your face however, it was complete trust for the mech before you. He wasn’t like all the others before him, he actually took the time to call you beautiful and he actually liked to listen to your sass and your slightly harsh words and he could meet your challenge when it came to all of these conversations you were having. You saw nothing but relaxed content and a warm disposition as he stroked your face gently with his claw that was really sharp enough he could rip you to ribbons if he wanted, but he wont, and you knew he wouldn’t- and that it what love must feel like, because you trusted him completely with anything and everything, and it was nice to feel so free instead of so caged so you couldn’t help but start laughing and giggling at how nice this situation turned out to be. He laughed too out of solidarity, and in that moment, you knew everything was going to be ok.
Predaking
-He was still very new to this world only being created and imprinted with whatever that mech wanted him to know and he has only known the kindness and compassion you have shown to him- you were not like all the others aboard this floating hell hole whom were fearful and angry at him for who he really was. He actually found himself getting excited and his spark will hammer inside of its case as he anticipated you stopping by daily and telling him all the different kinds of stories you had to speak about. He has learned so much about you in such a short time like how you weren’t particularly being forced to stay on the ship against your will, but you weren’t exactly aloud to leave it either- you were an asset to Megatron’s plan and that kind of made you a prisoner in this cage just like him. Humans weren’t all that interesting to him, but it gave you a reason to speak to him and it was enough for him as he wanted to hear what you had to say when it came to all different kinds of subject matter. You told him all kinds of fascinating tales from the human world from things about human history to things about fantasy and fiction- he found himself entranced as you spoke to him about yourself more than he was enticed by tales of heroism and politics. You for some unknown reason were an ire for his fascination, and you for some reason cause all of these strange and primal instincts to bubble up inside of him that give him the urge to just hold you close to his body so that he can bask in your warmth and maybe get a chance to get drunk on and inhale the scent in which he is teased with whenever you get up close to him and touch his body in a friendly way- you were fascinated by his tail and wings and it made him a little proud and vain to know his physical appearance impressed you in any kind of way. He thought you were a rather attractive human even if the only comparison he can make were to those of the Prime’s ally, either way however, your aesthetic pleased him and ignited all kinds of wonder and emotions he has yet to actually sit and ponder upon. Once you were comfortable enough around him and you ran out of stories to tell, you told him all about you and who you were as a person and all of the thoughts and opinions you had buzzing around inside of that small but cute head of yours. He was so enamoured with you and he has no idea why, but he made it is job to protect you whenever he can, so long as he is around no one will ever hurt you again- and whomever these “exes” were, they better watch their backs.
-He can list all day the things he likes about you, but one thing he can claim was his favorite quirks he saw in you was your need to name everyone on the ship- you gave designations to all the Vehicons to which you listed to him any time they passed by the cage while they were slaving away under Megatron’s laws. They didn’t seem to mind as you always had good names to give based on everyone’s forged frame numbers, but the one you gave to him made him feel even more vain and attractive than when you were stroke and touching his skin absentmindedly as you sat with him during those quiet nights to just talk about anything and everything. You called him a “King” and he felt himself melt a little as he purred unintentionally as you laughed a sweet laugh that made his spark sputter with content comfort and slight nervousness. You rambled sometimes when you just sat there and talked about nothing in particular but that’s ok, because it gave him a chance to sit here with you and just quietly contemplate his new upcoming emotions- which was not allowed in the current political rule in which you both live, when it was just the two of you however alone in his cage he was allowed to think and to feel however he wanted and it was the best moments he has ever had in his short and hard life. He thought about all kinds of things when he had the chance from all things ranging between the best ways to get away from Megatron to what it would mean for him if he just stayed and stuck through that overzealous mech’s stupid orders of violence and anger, but his favorite thoughts, the ones he finds himself having even now as you lay against him sleeping because you too have had an exhausting day and even rambling quietly to him was tiring- the thoughts most pleasing were the ones of him taking you away form this place and stashing you somewhere safe until he can figure out what is really going on in this world and what his best options for survival were. It hits him every now and again that he doesn’t really belong anywhere as there were not others like him that existed in his world, but yet he felt right at home when you two were curled up in his cage awaiting the next day of forced labor and agonizing moralistic dilemmas. He didn’t think he could ever be poetic but being in your presence and anytime you graced him with your company he felt as if the sun itself manifested into the form of a beautiful femme that preferred his company over all others.
-Another thing that always caught his attention about you was the way you always were able to stand up for yourself even if the situation was dangerous and no one was around to protect you. It was a sign of your unwavering confidence and stubborn knowledge of knowing you are right in your moralistic actions against those known as the Autobots, you were so amazing to watch as you yelled at Starscream for pushing his luck by trying to mess with you and “not really kill you but injury you a little” because he felt like flexing his imaginary power hold over you- you were having none of his nonsense that day and you weren’t afraid to tell him where he can go shove a rusty pipe. Starscream wasn’t very amused by it and in a moment of weakness on Predaking’s part he jumped into action to stop that annoying mech’s hand from hitting you off your position on a console on the outside of his cage by transforming into his alt mode to loom over the offending mech with his own sheer height and prescns. Predaking uttered words along the lines of “if you so much as touch my beloved one, I will rip the spark right out of your chest and make you regret the day you were ever created”. It worked as Starscream laughed nervously as he does when he is threatened by ones bigger than him and excused himself spouting some nonsense about his daily duties recalling his attention elsewhere, and Predaking knew he was going to go tattle to Megatron in hoping he would dole out a punishment. He wouldn’t however and would just scold Starscream for starting a situation he couldn’t really finish and for distracting others from doing their everyday jobs. He noticed a shift in your personality after that- you were unbearably quiet and you did not sit close with him in beast form as you normally would have and that made him so nervous and a little scared. Did he do something wrong earlier by protecting you from Starscream? Were you offended that he stepped in to stop a physical attack on your form because you had some plan to make him look a fool instead? His mind was so busy buzzing with all that he thought he could do wrong when you took it upon yourself, as you always do, to be the one to break the silence and address the problem in the room. You told him that it was kind of him to protect you but you couldn’t possibly be his beloved because a King like him deserved someone so much better than what you could offer- you beartted yourself as being bland and unkind and he almost balked at the sheer idea that you thought yourself to weak to be his most beloved. He just huffed in his beast form and dragged you closer to him with his tail while he nuzzled his face against your body- and he was blown away by how good you smelled and how warm you felt, yes, if you would have him than he would try his best to prove to you that you were worthy of his love.
(05/07/18)
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My Favorite Movies/Shows/Webseries with LGBTQIA+ Main Characters
Pride Day 13!
Check out the intro to my Pride project here.
I thought today we would take a break from books - and from personal stories - to talk a bit more about other queer media I enjoy. Sometimes I’m not in the mood to read, but I still want to get the chance to see stories about wonderful LGBTQIA+ humans. So, here we go, a personal recommendations list of movies/tv shows/webseries that I adore that feature LGBTQIA+ main characters.
Movies
♡ Love, Simon
I mean, this is an obvious one. I adore the book, Simon Vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda, but I have a little more love for the movie itself. I’m also currently on a high because I just rewatched it on my plane and I will never NOT be emotional. In case you don’t know, Love, Simon is a rom com about a high schooler named Simon who ends up being pen pals with another closeted gay kid at his school. It’s overwhelming, and Jennifer Garner never fails to bring me to sobs.
♡ The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love
It’s super sad to me that this movie doesn’t get passed around as often on recommendations lists, but I think that is possibly due to the fact that it can be a little harder to find. However! If you are desperately searching for a f/f movie comparable to Love, Simon, this is about as close as I can get you. It’s full of antics (sometimes SUPER over the top), romance (between a super butch white girl and a super femme black girl), and a whole heap of other fabulousness.
♡ Life Partners
A recently discovered one for me that I think deserves a bit more hype! This is a comedy about two best friends - one lesbian, one straight - as they fall in and out of love, struggle to figure out their careers, and generally navigate adulthood as BFFs. This is one of those movies where I’m honestly super pissed we don’t have more like it - it’s a movie about complex relationships between women that also features a shit ton of lesbian culture. Pride events! Gay bars! How many lesbians can you fit inside a Subaru! It’s all fabulous.
♡ But I’m a Cheerleader
A true classic. I remember my girlfriend showing me this back when I still insisted I was straight, but lord oh lord did it make an impact. It’s always hard to recommend queer stories set in conversion camps (take one of my favorite books, The Miseducation of Cameron Post, for example), but I think this is one of the few that still manages to be engaging and really fun. Plus, Natasha Lyonne and Clea DuVall are honestly staples of queer media for me.
♡ Battle of the Sexes
‘Sup, super gay Emma Stone - you truly make my dreams come true. To be honest, the fact that this is a based-on-a-true-story, gay, sports movie is just so perfectly me in terms of movie taste I will never be over it. Everyone does a remarkable job, but this is especially phenomenal in terms of how deeply gay it is and I love it to bits.
♡ The Runaways
Yet again, my deep and abiding love for movies based on true events appears. This is the movie that made me realize that a) Kristen Stewart is seriously a good actress and b) I’m super in love with her. This one is about The Runaways, the all-girl rock band Cherie Currie and Joan Jett were both a part of. It features scenes of KStew and Dakota Fanning making out so prepare your gay heart, lest ye be overwhelmed.
♡ Brokeback Mountain
Of course we end the list of movies here. I spent so much of my life believing the hype surrounding this movie - that it was just that sad cowboy movie and nothing more. And then I watched it and finally had to recognize just how poorly people had been talking about what an incredible film this is. I mean, yes. Sad cowboys! They are there! But the emotional depth and honest passion that is portrayed in this movie breaks my heart every single time. It’s just utterly beautiful.
Obviously this list isn’t comprehensive and there are so many more on my to-watch list. For example, I somehow haven’t seen Moonlight yet, and that feels like a travesty. I also really need to get to Pariah and Tangerine.
TV Shows
♡ Black Mirror - San Junipero
In case you don’t already know, Black Mirror is an science fiction anthology show, and every episode can be watched without the context of any of the other episodes. Which makes “San Junipero” just about perfect. It’s one of the only happy episodes of the whole show, and it gives me the most pure, joyful sapphic 80s vibes. I would kill for a full movie based on this episode. I would watch a million hours of sapphic ladies jamming to 80s music. Give it all to me.
♡ Sense8
I recently talked a bit about Sense8 in my post about what Pride means to me, because I think I always tie this show into my feelings on this month. In premise, it’s about 8 strangers around the world who form a psychic connection with one another. More than that, though, it’s about the things that make us different, and how those differences also emphasize our similarity and the power in solidarity. It’s a beautiful story about found family, and it just barely got its finale episode on Netflix that I’m dying to watch but haven’t yet because I’m honestly not feeling emotionally ready enough to handle it.
♡ Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Wow, this show. Wowww, this show. This is a pretty standard sitcom, about a group of lovable misfits who all work together. It’s set in a police precinct in Brooklyn, and initially feels like it centers on detective Jake Peralta, but the show quickly figured out that it had stars in every member of the cast. Two of my faves are Captain Raymond Holt and Detective Rosa Diaz, both queer POC that blow me away constantly. Holt is a black, gay detective who spent years fighting prejudice to make it through the ranks and be the stern-yet-lovable Captain of the squad. Rosa is a badass, bike riding, keep-your-nose-out-of-my-business bisexual Latina who owns my whole heart. It’s a show that does queer rep right, and a show that constantly reminds me to be happy even when it seems a little impossible for me to do that.
♡ American Horror Story
It’s bizarre to me how a horror anthology show still has some of the most consistent queer rep of any television show I watch. Now, this show absolutely has its problems still. Because it is a horror show, many queer characters get killed off. And my favorite season, Hotel, features a trans woman character who is played by a cis male actor. So, my warning is always to go in knowing the faults in the show. BUT this is still a show that consistently represents a variety of sexualities played by a variety of characters and actors, and I just appreciate it so deeply for normalizing that kind of rep over and over again. And I think I also want to give Ryan Murphy some credit in growing, considering the incredible work he is doing with Pose, hiring so many trans actors, writers, and directors to accurately shape that show.
There are of course other shows doing a good job with LGBTQIA+ rep, even if they don’t feature characters in leading roles. Shows like Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Schitt’s Creek, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and The Magicians are all ones I adore that feature queer peeps who own my whole heart. And there are tons more out there I would love to watch like The Bold Type, Black Lightning, One Day at a Time, Wynonna Earp, and Killing Eve!
Webseries
♡ Carmilla
Lesbian vampire! Spooky school! Soft journalist lesbian! Nonbinary side character! Queer kids everywhere dealing with the end of the world and the absurdly bizarre reality of their university! If you haven’t watched Carmilla yet, I don’t know what to tell you. It’s a shame, and you must come and join us all in the better timeline where you’ve seen the show and can also gush with us.
♡ Her Story
This is a super short webseries, but one I would love to have more of. It is an honest, sweet depiction of the lives of two trans women living in Los Angeles, California. They deal with relationship issues, friendship, gatekeeping, loving women, loving men, and more. It’s an excellently done series, and Jen Richards is a remarkable actress and creative force, and I cannot wait to see what else she plans to do.
♡ Chosen Family
A webseries that is not fictional! Tyler Okaley is a name you probably know by now, if you’re part of the queer internet scene. He has been doing work for years in uplifting the LGBTQIA+ community, raising awareness, raising money, and a whole lot more. Chosen Family started last year, and I loved keeping up with it all through Pride, and this year we get even more episodes. Whether he is talking about queer people through history, queer immigrants, the beginnings of Pride, or even just talking to other queer creators, it is a series that celebrates this community in so many different ways and I love the work it does and how uplifted it makes me feel.
Alright, that’s where I’m going to wrap up this list for now. I thought about also adding queer music videos to this list but it would double in size if I did that soooo perhaps another day. What are some of your favorite movies/shows/webseries that feature LGBTQIA+ main characters? Send me a message and let me know!
#pride#lgbtqia+#movies#recommendations#if you feel like there's an incredibly popular gay movie missing from my list it is probably not there for a reasonnnnnn#i swear to god if people try to tell me to watch call me by your name i'm gonna lose it#just putting that out there
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