“And then he’ll just be a sad bard, twerking in a field alone.”

DnD Ramble!

JUST got out of the most hectic session i have *ever* been in and i loved every second of it. Prior to the session i had been listening to "The Symmetry Wars" by DnDorks on spotify, in which they get a magic rock that they decide to lick, which is connected to a wild magic table. So my humble request before the session was to add some kind of fae curses/wild magic table, just for fun.

So we are currently doing kind of a spinoff stormwreck isle- this is the second last session of the campaign (and then i have to take over *sob*) , and for this session we're breaking into the clifftop observatory to free Jelly (a bronze wyrmling who is the friend of Pebbin, an Aarakocra). From Sparkrender (big bad lightning wyrmling). And the SECOND we step into the place, we get "so can everyone roll 2d10s." .....it was the fae curse table. And my character, Kalyre, now thinks he is a Robot on a mission to learn about this world. So when i end up running head first into a kobbold, my immediate reaction is to a) interrogate him on what being a kobbold is like, and b) give him a persuasive speach to convince him to rise up against Sparkrender. Which went something like this:

Kalyre: "Are you tired of this humble life on this planet? Then why not rise up against this "Sparkrender" fellow, ....whoiwouldliketointerviewlater......and make yourself better!" (in like a siri voice)

DM: ...Roll for persausion

Me: *roll* dirty 20 hehhe.

Kobbold: "Yk, i can't believe im saying this, but your strange, monotone siri voice ....idekwhosiriisbutyousoundlikeher..... you are very inspiring, you man."

Aaannnddd then i got advantage on all rolls when the kobbold was with me. I then proceed to keep walking, and lick a statue. So i then have 3 fae curses. Kal thinks he's a robot, is glowing like a lightbulb, and has grown a aligator tail and dog ears. (And as a fun bonus thing, our druid, Dae, is constipated, and Pebbin starts dancing whenever they talk.)

I then keep walking, directly into two MORE kobbolds. I try the same "rise up and defeat sparkrender" strategy and it fails miserably, but we beat their asses. And the og kobbold dies half way through the fight and yk what Kalyre does? Leans over him, holds out his hand (which the kobbold takes) and Kal just....licks his hand. And then mr kobbold just.....dies.

So we destory the rest of the cobbolds in combat, destroy the puzzle set out for us and sneak past Sparkrender into his prison. While attempting to free Jelly, Sparkrender hears us, and bursts down the passageway, knocks out Runara and Avonin (some side characters) and the final boss battle of the campaign begins.

For a bit of backstory, Kalyre is a horrible fighter. He's a bard, he doesn't fight, he just plots and does smart stuff. I have almost died....SO many times in this campaign, like, more than anyone else in the party. So naturally I am very on edge during this battle, because with my track record, Kal will probably die.

And thus the battle begins, and is going pretty well. And then it eventually gets to me, and upon looking at my spells, i find a decent looking damage spell, Hellish Rebuke. So i go for it, honestly expecting it to fail. And Sparkrender fails the Dex saving throw. I roll 3d10s, and he takes *23* fire damage. (His health was like, 53 or smth in total.) So i, the wimpy littler bard, take out almost half his health, in one spell. (He does end up being spiteful and hitting me back which took me down to 6 HP, but i'm allg) DM (@theboredasexual) is incredibly salty that we absolutely dessimated the final boss like it was nothing. It was fabulous.

So we win the battle, hurrah! Save Jelly. And then the final punchline of this whole thing, is "Can i get you all to roll 2d10s." MORE FAE CURSES. So I ended up with a brightpink, long-ass beard. But more importantly, Pebbin. Rolls a 23. Which on the table is "Victim becomes deathly afraid of birds."

Pebbin is an Aarokocra. Pebbin is a bird man. HE IS AFRAID OF HIMSELF.

"Oooo, I cast testicular torsion!"

"Oooo, I cast mend buttcrack!"

I CAST...

💀FULL ORGAN PROLAPSE💀

fascinated by tumblr's new trend of placing a Mature label on every single post that acknowledges, however obliquely, the existence of sex and sex byproducts

wholesome doggo

so in an attempt to actually use positive thinking, anytime i fuck up and my brain reacts as if ive cause a minor apocalyptic event, i compare my fuck up to the 4 minute fuck up committed by the crew of the uss william d porter.

and only today, as i was having to explain what happened to my mom when i was explaining the whole comparison thing, did i realise that most people dont know about it and ive decided that needs to change because its objectively hilarious.

...which is a weird thing to say about an event that occured on a warship in 1943, specifically november 14th.

see the uss william d porter was a fletcher-class destroyer but you dont need to know what that means, just that she had guns that went bang bang and that she was escorting another ship, the uss iowa, to cairo.

while they were on their way there, they performed some gun trials like testing the anti-aircraft guns or the torpedos. and while they were running a torpedo drill, the crew of the porter managed to fire a live torpedo straight at the iowa which you know, in terms of a list of things to do while escorting a ship, shooting a torpedo at them is not on that list.

especially if the president of the united states is on board.

yeah so fdr was on board and the gun trials were actually his idea, and part of the trials was that they were conducted under radio silence.

and that means the crew of the porter couldnt just call the iowa to be like "move out the way, we accidentally shot a torpedo at you."

but they did have signal lamps and you know, the signalman on board was trained to signal this exact kind of message.

...and uh never mind, the signalman did manage to successfully tell the iowa that a torpedo was coming toward them but wasnt as successful when it came to the direction the torpedo was coming from.

not all hope is lost though because the signalman could still use the signal lamp to correct his previous mistake and-, never mind, he announced that the porter was reversing, which she wasnt.

yeah so at catastrophic mistake number 3, they broke radio silence to warn the iowa and she managed to turn out of the way just in time which meant no one got hurt. and even though the inquiry into the incident led to chief torpedoman (fantastic job title btw) lawton dawson being sentences to hard labour, fdr intervened and waved away his sentence, saying it was all an accident.

but yeah, so thats my new measure for "how much did i really fuck up?" and when i compared accidentally picking up a pencil case without a tag on it in wilko, turns out it was a very minor fuck-up. yes, the cashier had to ask another worker to grab a duplicate so they could scan the barcode, but i didnt nearly kill the president during wartime via accidental friendly fire

comic I did last year that I thought was too self indulgent to post ever anywhere but .... here we r...

OPLA sketches

I love Luffy a normal amount

Player: “That wouldn’t be the first time we’ve violated the Genova Conventions.”

DM: "And it won’t be the last.”

that’s how the scene went, right?

And in the end, Rouge was like, “You know what? Sure.”

three is a pattern, shanks!

i love drawing one piece sillies this is so canon 😝