Sitting on my lanai... pondering...

I feel consumed with sadness today. Do you ever wake up and just feel sad?

I let myself cry, although I have no idea why.

My heart is heavy yet hopeful.

I feel alone. Maybe that's me shielding myself.

When Juanaflippa died, she was the first. No one knew how to react. Charlie and Mariana expressed the rage, the denial, and it was a spectacle of roleplay followed up by a wacky trial made for laughs. At this point, the rest of the server were still getting used to their eggs, so only Charlie and Mariana felt that twinge of pain from losing an egg. But when you remember Juanaflippa, you remember an explosion. A marvel.

Next Trump died. Maxo made you feel heartbroken with the image of a grieving father wallowing in misery and self destruction. But it was all still early, and most people didn't even notice. Trump died from neglect. Dan never saw him after adoption day. The server didn't come together like they did Juanaflippa. It was all very quiet. To this day, not many people in the community could tell you anything about Maxo's kid. About how hard his father bargained for his life between the gods. About how he failed. Trump was a whisper in the wind that only his father and those who watched him could bother to hear.

Then Tilín. At this point, the server was becoming more accustomed to the eggs. They were becoming attached. When Tilín died, it was depressing in every sense of the word. Quackity was somber, he barely spoke a word when he heard what had happened. A grave was built for Tilín by others with a heavy heart. There was no spectacle, and this time most people were involved in some way. Luzu came on to meet Tilín, and had to deal with that grief of being told his child was dead, something so heavy on him that he shut down completely. In life and in death, Tilín was the embodiment of sadness.

Bobby. The first death since Tilín. The first death in a long time. Everything had changed for the server. The eggs are their babies, their world. Everyone gathered to grieve Bobby, because they're a community now unlike ever before. But its different this time, they aren't there to witness a marvel from a distance, or grieve in sympathy. Bobby was a celebration. Music and dancing and memories. Toasts and cheering his name until the final moment. And having a final clap in his name after. Bobby was life. Because they're all scared now, terrified for their children. But they know what to expect this time. They're ready. They knew not to watch Jaiden and Roier grieve from the sidelines, they knew not to turn their backs on the two, and they would be sad but by god would they be happy as well. The server celebrated Roier and Jaiden, celebrated Bobby, and accepted his death with his name being shouted into the sky.

the raven boys // fanny and alexander by ingmar bergman // the raven boys // blue lily, lily blue // gentle.earth // the raven boys // your best american girl by mitski // the dream thieves // your best american girl by mitski // blue lily, lily blue // i'm your man by mitski // the raven boys

don’t go.

—the consequences of a lovesick boy

I'm glad I get to animate this lil shit 🩷

Listen to me. I don't think it happened. I lay down, and when I looked back up, nothing. Just icy lake. Beautiful icy lake. Grigor, I think we imagined it.

THE GREAT 3.06 Ice

grief is the defining force in "batman" as a title, but one thing that has always been utterly engrossing to me is that jay was once an outlier in what place this theme occupied in his narrative. for both bruce and dick, grief was motivational; grief was what pushed them into vigilantism. while they later utilised it in completely different ways; bruce became more stagnant and "frozen" in that moment, and for dick it was an impulse that made him more dynamic; they both viewed grief as a form of resolve (even if constituting a sisyphean task).

this is not the case for post-crisis robin jay.

jay enters the role of robin after standing up for justice that was based completely on his own moral intuitions and distaste for the criminal authority figure (the ma gunn' plotline). and while grief was there, it never served as an inspiration during his first missions.

the first time grief becomes entangled with his role as robin, it's in the two-face storyline ["batman" (1940) #410 – #411], when jay learns that bruce hid the fact that willis was murdered from him. he spends a day in his bed, before they encounter harvey on patrol, and jay tries at revenge. later, he merely cries, accusing bruce of "sparing him" knowledge of his father's demise– in other words, sparing him grief, while allowing him in the field at the same time. this is crucial in so far that jay doesn't seem to make a connection between combat and his grief. however, in response, bruce lectures jason about how grief inspires revenge, and how revenge has to be tempered into justice.

then grief becomes an important theme in the beginning of 'a death in the family,' something that i find to be often overlooked. first of all, jay is grieving after gloria. second of all, from the dialogue that is nowadays ignored because of all the retcons to the todd family story, we learn that jay is also still grieving after his parents. in "batman" (1940) #426 alfred informs: “i’ve come upon him, several times, looking at that battered old photograph of his mother and father, crying.”  to that, bruce contends: “in other words, i may have started jason as robin before he had a chance to come to grips with his parents' deaths.” and so bruce realises that the role of robin has not been beneficial for jay in grieving at all.

after years of mourning without closure, jason looks for the solution for his grief in moving on by finding a new family; since he thinks along with the role of robin, bruce is dismissing him as his son, he goes on the journey to find his biological mother instead. in my eyes, this has always been a salient moment. it shows that jay is still searching for relief in mourning in civilian life. this is his first intuition. of course, it does not stop him from turning to his secret identity when he realises sheila is in danger; it does not protect him from his death either.

but the lesson that bruce tried to teach jason in his early robin days was not lost. it was very much learned, and the consequences are tragic; the plot of the utrh is evidence of that. there, the narrative regarding grief aligns with what it has always been in "batman": it becomes a drive to vigilantism. jay is no longer pursuing closure in the civilian dimension. grief becomes something to be "tempered" into justice. and as bruce knows, the line between justice and vengeance is very thin.

so just as bruce is forever frozen in the loop of the memory of his parents' death, jason is now stuck in the moment of his death (and of the loss of his father.) both of their pleads are: no one else, never again. both of them seem to consider themselves exempt from this rule, subjecting themselves to reliving their pain to keep fighting.

still, the defining difference remains; jay's grief not only motivates his vigilantism. vigilantism is also the primary root of this grief. and years ago, he has not seen grief as a matter to be solved by vigilantism at all.

you can never control us.

sufjan stevens was right. How much sorrow can I take

I have this routine of counting my blessings during my quiet mornings... and especially when I am feeling overwhelmed and/or highly stressed. It helps me to remember and refocus on all the positives in my life. My Mother was like that. When it rained, she smiled through it and grabbed an umbrella!

- introspect1998

the night where you no longer live (meghan o'rourke) // the dream thieves (maggie stiefvater)

After u reblogged my post of me whining abt Sklonda I read ALLL of ur fic so far and I'm HOOKED. FATE FAVORS ME !!! RAAAA!!!!!! I'm on the edge of my seat

Thank you! Midnight Oil is definitely my Baby, and it means a lot to me when people respond positively to it. There's just. There's so much going on in it. We go from Newsies to a murder mystery to How To Be A Thief 101 to a prison break to Baby's First Murder to making a deal with a demon (kinda.) And that's just the first 60k. It is such a wild ride from beginning to (the yet unseen) end and I'm so glad that so many people have come along for the journey, it's always a highlight of my day to see people's reactions to it.

“Worry not, for though you are dying, I can still save you. But firstly, prove to me your life is still worth living.”

I was thinking about Bereaved Moth Halley today at work, so heres a warm up sketch of her <3