#coping with that scene cause it fucking broke me
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Lucius: Look at the horrible list of crimes he'a committed, you know, there are a few beheadings on here and it looks like he's got back into arson and just being a bit of a dick.
Stede:
#coping with that scene cause it fucking broke me#like the trope of navigating a relationship with a traumatised person... hits close to home#screaming crying rolling on the floor#ofmd s2 spoilers#ofmd season 2 spoilers#ofmd#our flag means death s2 spoilers#our flag means death#ed x stede#ed teach#gentlebeard#lucius spriggs#stede bonnet
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regis didn’t die because “he got drunk,” he died because he abandoned his principles.
regis swearing at stygga and vowing to “fuck this castle up” is not only disturbing for what it is, and who he is, but also because of who he is in the company.
it truly is the “i’m a healer, but…” meme, because regis is the voice of reason, moderation, and logic, advising geralt away from hasty decisions. he’s a self-reported coward and afraid of violence, and you know, he’s the doctor.
it’s not just his abandonment of his principle to not drink, but the abandonment of ALL of his principles—patience, rationality, goodwill, optimism—is what kills him.
this discarding of principles happens in the scene where he returns to the rest of the company and sees milva’s dead body, where he says he feels such strength to fuck up this entire castle.
this hasty, violent cursing of his comes before the scene with vilgefortz—it foreshadows his death owing to his hasty, violent attack of vilgefortz. it didn’t just come out of nowhere that he made a terrible decision. (i mean, his first terrible decision was to follow geralt in the first place but, eh.)
it’s not just because “he had been drinking”—the drinking is more of a side effect rather than a cause... (and “one should treat the cause, and not its symptoms…”)
since, to our knowledge, he had one drink before returning to see milva dead, and during that time seemed to be, more or less, regis as he was—he even cracks jokes to ciri before he realizes, ‘wait, maybe i scared her’—it is when he returns and has seen, is processing, milva dead, that he makes this suspiciously unhinged, out of character statement about “i feel such strength inside me,” “i could fuck up this entire castle.”
sure, he could have had a couple more drinks between these two scenes that sapkowski did just not deign to write of, but even if he had been totally plastered, i don’t think that that solely is what causes his downfall, his out of character viciousness and hastiness. remember that alcoholism is an addiction, and addictions re-emerge when one is faced with despair, loss, grief… and hopelessness. (and with blood already on his lips from the laboratory, it became that much easier to give in when having to confront this tragedy—the coping mechanism was already right back in his hands)
the hopelessness of losing milva at the portico of stygga castle broke them all, before they even went inside. and this death broke regis as we knew him, as the company’s optimist.
seeing milva dead was the death of his principles, his virtues, what he worked so hard for such a long time to hold himself to. because these principles became as worthless as his surgeon’s tools—in this citadel of death, there’s nothing you can do to save life, to preserve it, as he had done prior:
after her miscarriage, although they stayed in the lyrian-rivian corps of meve for five or six days, they had deserted—and deserted the barber-surgeons in that corps—in less than a week. consider then that it became once again, regis’ responsibility, as the company’s barber-surgeon and sole healer, to care for milva as she recuperated.
though dandelion notes she did so quickly as she was a hale and strong woman and her troubles were mostly emotional, one must consider the responsibility that not only a friend feels for his friend’s life, but how a doctor feels for his patient’s life.
and how he feels when that life heals slowly, recuperates with difficulty, suffers more (broken ribs) but continues to heal under care, finally becomes strong again and, like her namesake, a bird, released with pride into the air—only to be shot down immediately, glassy-eyed in her own blood.
milva for regis was a symbol of preserving life (indeed, an interesting symbol, as she suffers miscarriage). and between them, it was also, of course, a complete inversion of the mythology surrounding vampires and pregnant women.
but at stygga, she dies so immediately, so violently:
… and from something… something as inconsequential as any old bit of wood…
what kind of cruelty is it for life to be ripped away so quickly, by something so small, with no chance of saving? of healing?
but it’s nothing, because this is stygga castle. where healing becomes unusable. useless.
so regis leaves his healing at the doorstep—literally, upon the portico, where milva’s body was dragged back to by geralt and cahir, bleeding out in a dark pool.
and along with healing… his patience, moderation, mercy, kindness, wisdom… all of his virtues.
their virtues. the company’s virtues. since regis embodied this rationalist and optimist side of the company, when he abandons these principles of his, the entire company loses them;
because now, there is no one to advise them to “proceed slowly and with due prudence.” now, there is no one to placatingly say, “come, come, let there be concord.” now, there is no one to say, “of course we can, it is simply a matter of invention and positive thinking!”
the voice of reason has left us, he flew off on bat’s wings without a murmur or a whistle. now the voice only says — “i will fuck up this entire castle.”
i don’t think at stygga, in this scene and the one with vilgefortz, we’re seeing just a “regis, but drunk”. it’s deeper than that… because it’s not just his sobriety he broke, he broke everything—broken and shattered, like the collection of glass vials and flasks he shattered in his dramatic entrance to vilgefortz’s laboratory, exploding, bursting one after another. and from this erupts a hellish inferno of corpse-blue flames.
it’s not just “regis, but drunk” it’s “regis, but without patience, wisdom, kindness… etc…”
that’s why he’s so unlike the regis we’ve come to know during the series, why he at stygga becomes so unrecognizable to the readers—because he’s thrown away all of his beloved virtues that he strived to embody. and because “everybody has their good points, to even out the vices,” he became unbalanced, with his vices leading him. namely, his hubris, which often came out in a much more modest way during the rest of the saga—in a scholarly and lecturing tone of voice—but at stygga, comes out as an arrogant threat that he and he alone can and will fuck up this entire castle, an overconfident leap at vilgefortz’s throat.
and in my interpretation, it’s also not accurate to look at it like “this was actually the true regis,” “this was regis underneath it all,” because it’s not “how he was back then,” it’s not like he went back in time to be his past self. it’s not a reverting.
it’s more like coming full circle, for it’s milva’s death which triggers him to discard his principles, and he only got to know milva through his upholding of these principles. his actions towards her (namely his midwifery) showcase some of the best of what he became, owing to these principles of his.
and her presence, or rather the loss of her, makes him realize that all of his goodness is in vain and will be of no help here. and that is when a great hopelessness consumes him, and he throws out his goodness with a cold clatter to the ground—what use was any of this, after all? i cannot save her with medicine, i cannot save her with my principles, it all turned out to be useless.
and we’ve seen something like this already in the saga—it’s much like when ciri is in the korath desert and begins to think, everyone has abandoned me, the morality and ethics they taught me are utterly useless. and it takes her being in korath for her to get there, to break her spirit. the seed of this may have been planted in her at cintra, but her contempt didn’t fully erupt until after she had tasted the love, mercy, and kindness of geralt and yennefer’s parentage and saving of her—and then was suddenly deprived of it.
similarly, regis had a terrible youth, and yes, when he’s giving up his principles here, he’s returning to a similar state—but it’s not the same as if he had never experienced the entire arc following his rebirth into human life. it’s not a return to his youth, it’s more like… hm… a mid-life crisis? hah…
a metaphor of day and night is apt!
he’s not “reverting” at stygga—it’s like how dawn and dusk, though they are at similar light levels, are not the same thing, because they have the entire daytime inbetween them!
the sun sets with his discarding of principles, and we return to night… a cold, sinister, menacing, darkness. back to the realm of the vampire, not the human:
because he, the company, is suddenly deprived of their archer, who, just remember, they worked so hard to save on the battle of the bridge, milva, whom regis rushed towards and carried on his back, staying with her during her miscarriage.
and now, she’s utterly dead in such a violent manner, and actually, the arrow pierced her lower abdomen, possibly where her womb would be: “struck [her] low in the belly (…) having shattered her pelvis (…)” for the ultimate symbolism for her character.
and suddenly with her death, regis realizes how useless he is, to them, here, as a surgeon. he cannot save milva now like he did under the bridge. he can’t help, save any of them. he’s powerless.
and if not a surgeon, their surgeon, who is he?
and if not wise, patient, cautious, kind, gentle? if not always knowing what to do, ‘in his infinite wisdom,’ in his ‘omniscience’? if not humanity? what is left of emiel regis? what is left?
blood.
#the witcher books#emiel regis#analysis#c: regis#book: lady of the lake#another post about this: https://www.tumblr.com/hanzajesthanza/696998330754007040/regis-drinking-at-stygga-or-why-i-love
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learn the alphabet with ivy (updated)
warning! jokes about drugs and killing (this is how she copes with her trauma😭)
A is for…
‘ass shakin on a tuesday?’
‘ask hongjoong if we can get mcdonald’s for dinner’
‘as a mingi enthusiast, i can confirm’
B is for…
‘but did i die?’
‘bonita’
‘boxing was fun until i almost broke my wrist-‘
C is for…
‘cause i said so’
‘cute is overrated, i like looking like i just killed someone-‘
‘call me when i actually care, wooyoung’
D is for…
‘don’t follow me, i won’t be running away. i’m going to the store…’
‘driving is easy, these losers are just lazy. AINT THAT RIGHT YUNHO???’
‘did someone say le sserafim?’
E is for…
‘eggplant emoji? boy what-‘
‘extra ice please’ ‘but seonghwa hyung asked for light-‘ ‘i said extra’
‘even if i die, keep performing’ ‘ivy no-‘
F is for…
‘frogs are innocent beings.’
‘for the LOVE OF GOD SAN SHUT UP’
‘felix said otherwise.’
G is for…
‘god would want me to’
‘going to the gym is so much work, but i’m forced to’
‘guys, i think i started my period…’ *cue panic*
H is for…
‘hongjoongie-oppa says i’m brilliant’ ‘he told you that so you would shut u-‘ ‘san no one asked for your input’
‘how did you manage to make jongho cry bruh-‘
‘how big is his-‘ ‘olivia!’ ‘-house…’
I is for…
‘i’m fearless’ *after getting scared by yunho*
‘i feel bonita’
‘if i have to dance to this song on more time-‘
J is for…
‘just say you hate me already’
‘jongho is my best friend, sometimes’
‘jimin would be my friend.’
K is for…
‘killing people is only okay sometimes’
‘kites still exist??’
‘KITTIES’
L is for…
‘lost me at the word running’
‘look at me’ *slaps san*
‘living is breathing.’
M is for…
‘mingi my dearest’
‘my type? mingi.’
‘my mom told me not to do it, but my mom is also a drug addict so-‘
N is for…
‘no money’
‘no ice cream for you mr. park’
‘nayeon-unnie is cooler than you’
O is for…
‘oh jolly pirate’
‘oh brother, this fool again’ *san walks in*
‘oh, i like yeosang more’
P is for…
‘people think im innocent. that’s cute’
‘pipe down’
‘poop doopy’
Q is for…
‘quit looking at me like that, you’re gonna make me vomit’
‘quiet, i think i hear god’
‘quit talking, i’m trying to listen to itzy!!!’
R is for…
‘right, and i’m beyoncé.’
‘right hand man, jongho. not you’ *cut to wooyoung frowning’
‘rings. blings. and all that’
S is for…
‘silence, who died?’
‘snow snow snow snow snow snow sno-‘ *yeosang throws a snowball at her*
‘sweet. can we go home now?’
T is for…
‘tomorrow is a new day, a new slay’
‘teen beach movie has one of the best soundtracks’
‘they see me rollin, they hatin-‘
U is for…
‘uvula shot’ *shows camera yunhos uvula*
‘under the seaaa. under the seeeaaa. darling is betTA down where it weTTA’
‘uhm, be so fucking for real right now…’
V is for…
‘very good morning my loves’
‘van… gogh’ *van starts moving*
‘valid point, too bad i don’t care’
W is for…
‘wow, and here i thought i was the idiot’
‘where is my food servants’ *acting a scene for a show*
‘why am i here. i need to go home. i, i need to go.’
X is for…
‘xoxo, go piss girl’
‘x-rays helped see the shape of dna’ ‘it’s 2 am. go to bed.’
x’s and the o o o’s they HAUNT me’
Y is for…
‘you have no idea what you’re talking about do you?’
‘yo, chill out brother’
‘yes, i do love my members. yes, i do hate my members. family.’
Z is for…
‘zoom zoom, hop in hotties’
‘zebras. are the white with black stripes. or black with white stripes’
‘zooweemama am i right?’
taglist: @atolua @skzfairies @itzy-eve @cixrosie @stopeatread @alixnsuperstxr @smh-anon
#ivy#ateez#kpop added member#ateez 9th member#kpop oc#ateez added member#hongjoong#jongho#mingi#san#kpop#kpopidol#kpop female member#kpop addition#ateez addition#ateez oc#ateez female member#ateez female addition#ateez female oc#oc addition#kpop female oc#fictional idol oc#fictional kpop community#fake kpop member#added member#additional member#addition
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Dylan has problems with taking breaks. He’s always going going going, every day, every night, never giving himself time to relax. One day, he just shuts down. (Cue Ryan being worried but also all “I told you so”)
It happened so suddenly. One moment, Dylan was busy doing his physical therapy exercises, over and over, more reps than needed, for his residual limb.
The next moment, he was sat on their living room carpet, doing nothing.
Schrodinger was stood next to him, sniffed curiously, before meowing in concern. Normally, any little noise or pat from the furry creature had Dylan scooping her up in a hug and kissing her and petting her. Not today, though. He just...sat there.
When Ryan stumbled on the scene, of Dylan completely still, he immediately jumped into action. He knew, deep down, a day like this was bound to happen. Or many days like it.
After the trauma they endured, and the specific, physically permanent trauma Dylan did, it was inevitable. Maybe even needed.
"Hey, babe, hey, you okay?" He asked quietly, gently, as he crouched down next to Dylan. There was no answer, Dylan's eyes beginning to grow damp. Ryan followed his gaze, where it stuck on a painting they had put up.
A gift from Abi. She had made one for all of them and really, she meant well. But it was a full moon. And it clearly wasn't helping. Ryan stood up, took it off the wall, and turned it around. He left it propped against the living room wall and joined Dylan back at his side.
The tears began to fall and he blinked. Once, twice. Before he finally turned to Ryan. "I'm...I'm so tired." The seal broke fully and tears didn't stop falling.
Ryan pulled him in close, tightly, rocked him back and forth. "I know, I know. I'm so sorry, Dylan. I'm so fucking sorry."
Where Ryan coped with throwing himself into seclusion after all they endured, until Dylan and Kaitlyn dragged him out of his depression pit, Dylan had coped with doing everything and anything to keep his body and mind busy. Ryan knew it wasn't his place to intervene, but part of him was glad that it finally ended. That maybe now Dylan could just be instead of having to do.
Hours seemed to pass, but he slowly got Dylan off the living room floor. Fed him a simple dinner of toast and stew, helped him wash up, and made sure he was well hydrated.
After their shower, he dressed Dylan in the softest shirt and undies he could find, curled around him as Schrodinger purred at where she was draped over their feet.
"It's okay." Ryan reassured him, as Dylan trembled against him in the dim light of their bedroom. "It'll get better from here on out, I promise, man."
"I know it will." Dylan sniffled, giving Ryan the first small smile he could muster the entire night. "Cause I got you with me."
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Clay Puppington and Cameron Campbell vs. Endeavor : Why I Like Their Character Writing and Not The Latter's
Clay from Moral Orel and Campbell from Camp Camp are from opposite ends of my Shitty Person Character spectrum.
My spontaneously-made scale for these characters include Disgusting But Interesting - Sympathetic (The Golden Area of my Morally Gray Characters) - Entertaining Scumbag.
Disgusting But Interesting
Clay is about as realistic as abusers come. He wasn't born evil, he isn't some spawn of hell, but he's definitely portrayed as a monster. The thing with Clay is that he's an abuse victim. His childish act of rebellion caused his mother to have a heart attack and since then his father resented him for what happened. His substitute for love is physical abuse. It's how he grew up, it's how his brain coped. And he knows this. He knows he's fucked up, he said so many times throughout the show, he's very aware of what his issues are and how to stop it.
You would think a character like Clay (sympathetic, realistic, self-aware) is a prime candidate for redemption and reconciliation with his family, esp Orel, his kind and forgiving son, yes? No. The ending, while somewhat rushed gave me such a good feeling. Orel didn't have to keep his father in his life to be "a kind and forgiving" person. Orel got to live happily ever after with Christina and break the long cycle of abuse which neither Clay nor Bloberta (the wife) broke once they got out of their abusive households. Orel honored his parents by keeping their photos in the new house, next to photos of his brothers who were equally abused and went on to be good people.
That's the main point with Clay, the conclusion to his and Orel's relationship, because this father-son dynamic is the main plot of the show. Anyway, back to Clayduring the entire show's run. Season 1 put a bit of a comedic spin on the scenes where Clay was threatening to beat Orel while he was drunk, to reflect how Orel saw the situation and the world in general, his mind wasn't registering the awful shit going around him yet, esp about his father. As the show goes on, the abuse dawns on Orel eventually. But we as the audience were always supposed to take the punishments very seriously, to see the alcohol, the belt and the twisted lectures Clay gave and immediately think "Abuse". None of that "Twisted form of care/love". None of that "It's a mistake". None of that "It's just how he is." The show makes it clear that this is abuse and this is a choice and he knows it.
Which is why he was never redeemed.
Entertaining Scumbag
Cameron Campbell doesn't really have a sad backstory like Clay but he gets to have a chance at a redemption arc in Season 3 and 4. I just find him to be entertaining as a side character. His list of crimes mean little in a show that's full of very violent or selfish characters (most of which are kids). The characters talk trash about him too. Only one of them really gives him a chance to change (Yes, the kindest of characters, my favorite, David). They even make it a point in the episode "Keep the Change", Campbell would never be able to change for the better because he's selfish through and through. Was Max (the protagonist) right about his assumption?
Well you see, Campbell in that episode when repeatedly urged by David to do good, he kept slipping back into his selfish and narcissistic ways. Like wanting to only give to charity for adoration and fame. All that. David rightfully calls him out for that. That's another thing, they repeatedly give him shit for the things he say or do, to make up for the lack of legal consequences for his crimes.
(One day I hope the thing with Jasper gets resolved though. It was an accident but the fact that Campbell was being negligent was another thing. That being said, another kid died in Gwen and David's care too. Talk about off-screen negligence.)
Anyway, "After Hours" shows Campbell for the first time without Gwen or David telling him what to do or how to run his own goddamn camp. The first glimpse of him doing nice things without thinking much about them. The plotline with Campbell ends with this cute scene here.
When David saw them and woke them up, he was likely about to compliment Campbell about how good he handled the situation or whatever, but Campbell cut him off and started complaining about the campers and grumbled about getting some sleep. Good, I don't want to hear another sappy speech about Campbell! It was a nice episode overall. :)
So that's the main point about Campbell. How the characters act around him.
Now about his backstory, as a contrast to Clay's. Campbell is selfish. Greedy. Self-absorbed. An asshole. Campbell used to have friends, a girlfriend, and a stable job. He was so good at his job that he was eligible for a Camp Corporation(?) Magazine at some point. Point is, he had it all and his greediness made him lose all of that. And he definitely wasn't getting any of that back.
The fame went to his old friends, Camp Corp. founders the Campwells, since he was always in hiding because tax evasion and other crimes. He can't have his camp back because he went to jail and his new punishment is to surrender his funds and services to David, who he wasn't respecting before being knocked down a few pegs. Lastly, when he and his girlfriend reunited and he asked if they could "pick up where they left off", she rightfully called him out for that being such a shit thing to ask after 17 years apart. They banged in the end of that episode but the rest was up to interpretation until maybe Season 5 (if ever).
So his redemption is funny and definitely not giving him things easy since it's not like he has the things he always wanted: Fame, Money, and Control.
Endeavor and Why I Just Hate Seeing Him On Screen and Why The Decision to Redeem Him is Ridiculous and If He's Simply "Atoning", then everything else surrounding this plot is Confusing
I think a lot of you already know this by now but I'm Filipino and from an abusive household. Our culture is all about community. The majority over the individual.
Abusers get away scot-free unless... you broadcast it to everyone. The radio, the television, to anywhere and everyone who will pay attention. What Dabi did was the only way to give his abuser some semblence of repercussions since his family surely wasn't going to do it. Because here's the thing, E slur wasn't just some random jackass breadwinner. He is an authority figure, with wealth to top it off. He had everything in his disposal to manipulate things in his favor.
Like bro, even then, even when everyone in the neighborhood knows your situation, no one is still going to step in because the decisions ultimately lie within the family. And they (my family) sure aren't going to do something because "This is just how things are" "This is how the matriarch is" "This is how our family deals with it"
I wouldn't be upset with E slur not getting legal repercussions if it's clear that the entire family straight up hate his guts and not even bother to associate with him in any way. None of this forced family dinners, none of this getting the family to talk to him. None of this Rei and Fuyumi giving him a chance. None of this invasion of space and boundaries (like hugging Natsuo or acquiring Shouto's number from Fuyumi, and if she gave it willingly, I find that uncomfortable).
Sometimes, we just live in resentment and no one here is happy because we simply can't. How can you when your entire existence revolves around a dream your parents never got or a life they never lived? Who can forgive when your very life hinges upon how useful and cooperative you are? That your presence only matters when you're not a burden? Because I sure can't. I can't get over it. She didn't have to tell me but she did. The only reason why I'm even alive rn is because her son didn't amount to anything they wanted and I'm just a safety net. If I don't succeed in life, they'd be very disappointed.
That alone is awful. ^-^
I can't imagine if they were actual authority figures that will double the pressure on you because they have the media monitoring your entire family~
So how about the opposite? What if the family is indeed willing to give the selfish, extremely abusive, egotistical asshole a chance? (Not Natsuo, never him) Then why not have the media absolutely hound him. Have his coworkers scorn him, yes even Hawks who looked up to him and supported him. Have the entire world look at him and his entire posse with distrust, all of them. And the end of all this? Lose his hero license.
He can't have both.
Hell, he doesn't deserve either.
But if the narrative insists, then I'd rather he be a social outcast, esp by his own family.
Now about how he's treated within the story, you have all these characters pointing out how he's better, less of an asshole, "a changed man". Camp Camp did this for ONE episode. Because this is annoying. The man doing the bare minimum is so laughably sad. Especially all this was before the reveal of the abuse. And after the reveal, nothing. Crickets from the people who know of it. Those who do talk help nothing for this plot, like Hawks for example. 😬
It's important to note that Campbell is to David like E slur was to Keigo. Except Campbell and David did meet 14 years ago when he was 10.
The thing is though, that David grows out of this parasocial relationship with Campbell throughout the seasons. Hawks lately is Endeavor-san this Endeavor that, shut up. Jesus Christ. Like I know admiration. I know obsessive. It's not a cute look when you're 23 and supposed to be self-aware it is painful to watch unfold. Because I think a reveal like your idol (not even a friend) being such a scumbag can't have a Denial/Slow Burn Breakdown Reaction. And if the "It may be true but...I'm sure it's not like that anymore." is the final reaction/acknowledgement then 1) I've heard that before from irl 2) How are you SURE? Some random not-even-close-with-any-of-the-victims outsider? 3) Beyond underwhelming.
😬
Back to E slur, they never should have tried to give this man attention of any kind. He doesn't have a sympathetic background (not that I'd want him to) so he doesn't have anything to relate to. Yes, the """"inferiority complex"""" maybe but not everyone has the wealth and power at their disposal to buy a wife and coerce her to make children-
So he's not relatable, he's heinous, we're supposed to take his crimes seriously, so he's not even entertaining what else? He's doing a good job of atoning for his mistakes? He's a massive invasion of boundaries and that is uncomfortable.
1) Him giving Rei her favorite flowers.
My brother gave me a nice gesture once. Made me cry and everything. Wanna know why? Because this is the same dude who used to beat me with a broom stick! :D
Yes, abusers can do nice things omg shocker, do they deserve to get within 10 feet of you and then leave you presents, maybe even at an attempt at asking for forgiveness? Hell no. God that's spine-chlling. Because it could be genuine, and no one deserves to feel like they owe someone that kindness and forgiveness.
2) Him suddenly hugging Natsuo without regard for how Natsuo would react.
This is after years of neglect and subjecting him to domestic violence. This is him touching him just because, what, he was "scared of losing him"? Your child was just as likely to die from getting neglected or sheer stress and you're only worried now? Laughable and quite pathetic! I personally don't like getting grabbed without my consent, esp if it's someone who's hurt me before. Mother may have never hit me but I know what it feels like to be threatened. She gets mad when I get mad at her for suddenly grabbing me every now and then. I explicitly told her I hate getting physical. I'd hate to think how E slur would have reacted if Natsuo had the reaction time to flinch or shake him off. Again, uncomfortable.
3) Getting Shouto's number then bombarding him with messages.
If your kids don't want to talk to you, maybe stop pestering them? Maybe stop being such a nuisance? Maybe stop inserting yourself in their life whenever you can because you feel entitled to a chance? Or maybe get to know your kid first and that being he doesn't talk much to begin with so knock it off.
Again, if they never should have made him try. And if they insist, not like this.
Aight Im tired. Goodnight.
#vent#tw abuse#tw domestic abuse#tw vent#tw suicide#just pure rambling#anti endeavor#anti todoroki enji#mha
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actually yknow what before I write a fic or a structured essay about the details of how Yuris story should have ended, I’m just going to write down my visceral and screaming reactions. Spoilers for tiger and bunny season 2 cour 2.
Because I broke down crying several times in public today thinking about how Yuri “died” alone and hating himself and how no one, not a single person, tried to save him this ENTIRE 12 EPISODES. You’ve had multiple instances of heroes going out of their ways to apprehend criminals and murderers and plead to save people over and over cause that’s what heroes do. Kotetsu not ten minutes after Yuri “died” saying “if i can save someone then I’ll do my best and put 100% into it” . What a punch in the gut after Kotetsu spent maybe 2% of an effort trying to save Yuri. Yes,died is in quotations, I know they’re trying to keep it ambiguous but hell, the finality of that scene sure seemed like a death scene to casual viewers. FUCK.
I’m not even against killing Yuri because the action WAS in character. But it sure wasn’t consistent with the rest of the damn cour, nor season, nor characters, NOR ENTIRE SHOW. BECAUSE WHAT THE HELL WAS THE POINT OF EPISODE 20 THEN??? I found so much strength in episode 20. If Yuri could get through his darkest hour to see the dawn I thought hey yknow, maybe that’s how things go, you gotta suffer a bit to see the light rising. What is Yuris dawn exactly? What was his suffering for?? Why was he shown happy and peaceful only for his mom to be murdered, his body to be controlled (after he saved the day) and beat up and then BEAT UP AGAIN. AND THEN DIE.
Holy hell, Yuri, the public servant who spends his days and nights protecting the peace and law of Sternbild, who counsels the buddy heroes and smiles when he sees them doing the right thing, who tries and changes who he is by retiring lunatic when he’s director. This is how they treat his character? Because he makes the mistake of being traumatized and having a toxic coping strategy that just needs to be addressed and helped with. You literally have criminals who blow up people without remorse and miraculously he’s captured alive. But Yuri,” a true hero “ said Barnaby , is discarded.
and holy hell Kotetsu, the person who was positioned to be the best to reach out to Yuri and save him… Didn’t and barely gave him another thought. Yuri literally took a bullet for him in s1. Yuri constantly smiles at him and his actions. Yuri listened to Kotetsus words in the rising to actively change his path. And Kotetsu, did nothing…. For Yuri in the end. When Yuri needed him the most (guess this wouldn’t have happened if Keith “it doesn’t matter who you are I will save you” Goodman was there instead.) What were they thinking? This is our hero? Who did he even save in the end? He just helped stop Audun. All this talk about what it meant to be a hero but he couldn’t even save Yuri.
it hurts me to see other people who found the conclusion of this broken abused yet caring person to be relatable and hopeful, react as pained as I have. In a way they dangled his happy ending in front of us throughout s2. Look at director petrov, isn’t he silly? Haha vampire boss. Haha where’s Lunatic…
there’s a reason why people commenting about Yuri were wishing for his health and safety and happiness when the trailer dropped. We can all see that he’s in pain and needed a friend, or a helping hand more than anyone else… and they never gave it to him. They just broke him. Again and again. Even when he was doing the right thing. Again and again.
……..
I know that fiction and stories aren’t written for fans. They’re supposed to be the vision of the storyteller. I understand from a thematic point of view, this is the tragedy of an antihero.
but I also know the people who wanted to see him happy… they’re people who understand that pain and also wanted to be happy or okay or even just…. Alive. To see a character who struggled for so long to be better and happy and willing to help out the heroes, end up just… giving up. I sincerely hope that people will be alright after this. I know that if I watched what this show did to Yuri when I was 19 and extremely depressed, I might have felt even more hopeless. The heroes who smile and pair off, think nothing of their lonely hardworking director.
If you’re reading this and feel similarly pained by the end of his character arc, then I hope you take care of yourself. Take a rest, go outside, talk to a friend. Things do get better and people do want to help.
#Tiger and bunny 2#tiger and bunny#yuri petrov#tiger and bunny 2 spoilers#t&b#tnb#He needs hugs and so do I
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KILL ME NOW I CANT TAKE ALL THESE EMOTIONS KANDKNSKA I AM WRECK WITH CARLOS FINDING OUT ABOUT HIS DADS WORK AND GABRIEL DYING JUST LIKE THAT AND COPING WITH THE PAIN AND BEING BLINDED BY IT AND TK GOING TO OWEN AND OWEN ACTING LIKE THE DAD HE HAS JUST LOST AND THE PROPOSAL AGAIN AND AND THE WEDDING AND THE VOWS AND THE SONG IN THE END WITH ALL THE IMAGES I CANNOT KANDKNSJANA
Honestly these are some of the finest hours of television I have watched. I understand that a lot of people are not happy with the finale and it’s valid but I absolutely loved it. I think the issue was with releasing the episodes back to back cause that shit was overwhelming to say the least but I loved loved loved everything.
I wish Gabriel would not have died but like it’s network tv and characters are always killed to raise the stakes and I don’t particularly like it but I’ve braved through 15 seasons of Grey’s where main characters have been brutally killed so as much as I loved him—better secondary characters like Charles/Robert than any of the mains from the 126.
Anyways—on to the good parts.
1. The 126 scene at the beginning lmao they are all so unserious all the time I love them
2. Gabriel and Carlos broke my heart in that scene
3. I didn’t really care much about Robert but he grew on me? I wish we’d seen more of him so that I was more emotionally damaged lmao
4. CARLOS IN HIS VILLAIN ERA IS EVERYTHING TO ME I LOVED THE UNHINGENESS THE CURLS THE ABSOLUTE GOING OFF THE RAILS ARC.
5. TK being the supportive fiancé>>🥺🥺 “we’re not going to say cancelled”
6. DOUBLE PROPOSAL OOF>>
7. THE WEDDING THE HONEYMOON SCENE THE VOWS THEIR SMILES THEIR SUITS THE HAPPIBESS THAT MF SONG TOMMY AND FUCK ALL THE COUPLES BEING HAPPY I—
8. Also did you watch the deleted scenes?? I am so obsessed with them
9. The only thing I didn’t like was the Wyatt and Judd’s storyline. I work in the field of public health and disability and the saviour complex irked me to no end. Wyatt was given absolutely no rights in his entire treatment and I hate that. And the whole “you can do it you can do it” pressure by Judd wasn’t very helpful. I work with a lot of parents too and while I understand and see their pain when their kid has a disability and the mental toll on them—it’s still no excuse for violating their rights.
OKAY BUT I OVERALL I LOVED THE TWO EPISODES. I WISH WE GOT MORE TARLOS WEDDING BUT ITS AN ENSEMBLE AND YET TARLOS GETS SO MUCH SCREENTIME SO I AM 100% CONTENT UNTIL WE GET ALL THOSE DELETED SCENES!!!
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Ok ok, I don’t have any art to share cause I’m in the heat of the moment but I need to rave about the new ToH episode for a second
I was bummed about the leaks and made it my mission to go spoiler free until the premiere so I could enjoy it the way Diana intended
AND HOLY FUCK SHE DID NOT DISAPPOINT
I love all the new lore we’ve just got from the new episode cause it really ties everything from season two in. The ancient rival races of collectors and titans killing each other off so one race could prevail but then their endlings become…. Friends? Also the supreme being of the universe is literally a toddler? So silly, so perfect. One thing I’m dying to learn more about is the collector code cause it’s hinted about a tiny bit and also how the Collector just changed it cause he wanted to play hide and seek?? SO SILLY. King literally reads it and doesn’t question anything, he walks down the halls of the palace and ignores the depictions of his ANCESTORS LITERALLY GETTING MURDERED!!? Hello sir your fat head is hiding the lore! I am excited to see King learn the full extent of his powers cause if they’re equally as powerful as the Collector’s, the final show down is gonna kick ass!
One of my biggest regrets was embracing literally every Thanks to Them spoiler I could get my fingers on so the whole story was kinda meh when I actually watched it. One thing that no one even bothered mentioning was all the Star Trek references! The whole season we learn about how Luz’s parents got together over a shared love of Star Trek. Gus and Hunter dress up the whole episode, I mean twist my arm and kiss my soul Diana!! I love Star Trek so much, almost as much as I love crossovers. So Star Trek x any of my other interests? Just steal my heart already!
BEAM ME UP??? Hunter dressed as Data, Gus as maybe Riker or Forge??? I am in love
Willow coping with her emotions and her friends helping her realize she’s more than just the rock of the group was so wonderful and really embraced so much of the Willow character development we never got to see. Her and hunter holding hands at the end was adorable too. Fingers crossed for a tiny cheek kiss by the end of the next special 🤞
Luz and her mom finally being able to understand each other was so adorable and done with so much passion, the whole scene left me in tears. Her mom relating back to Luz of how she was a weird, nerdy kid in high school and just wanted to protect her daughter from relentless bullying honestly hit way to close to home. I’ve always been a weird kid (ie. Sci Fi enthusiast, artsy fartsy, lover of cartoons, hater of sports) and have had the same conversations Luz had with her mom in season one. “You need to calm down, try to relate to other kids more. There’s nothing wrong with you, you might just be a bit… much for some people”. It broke my heart seeing their strained relationship but that just made me even more in awe of them bonding over their weird passion.
“All I ever wanted was to be understood”. She’s just like me fr ☹️💔
Luz’s palesman reveal was so long awaited by everyone and Diana definitely did not disappoint. I saw so many videos on theories about her palesman but I never considered every single theory would be right lmao. Anyway, string bean is so perfect and a great reflection of how Luz is so much more than a silly otter or a sulking sparrow, she embodies everything. I love String Bean, especially all the different forms they offer for her, can’t wait to draw all of them!!!
More girlfriend content! I love them sm, mmmm young love, so yummy, GET IN MY MOUTH EGGEGEGDHJDJKE 🤬💖
I understand that the third season was meant to be more than three specials but tbh, I can’t imagine seeing such a beautiful piece of artistry separated into episodes. The colors, character designs, plot, everything. It was all leaps and bounds ahead of Thanks to Them so my hopes are even higher for Watching and Searching
This is one of my favorite screen caps, enjoy!
The glittery eyes, the flowing tears, the way the light reflects off her face in a way the separates her from the scenery??? PLEASE OH MY GOD IT WILL KILL ME VGFTVGTDVGYDGVHDHUCUDHCUDJ
#toh hunter#toh willow#toh luz#toh amity#toh camila#toh king#toh gus#ToH#owl house#the owl house#the collecter toh#disney#cartoon#for the future#toh spoilers#the owl house season three spoilers#toh s3e2#animation
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some thoughts on Evangelion
It's been a few years since I actually watched it, but every single day I'm reminded of this show somehow. In bastardizing the iconography of my religion, it became itself the epi-tome of iconicity. My phone alarm sound? Evangelion opening. Ringtone? Bass-boosted instrumental bit from the opening. The sun shines, just like that one time in Evangelion. Octahedra exist? Ramiel my beloved. A moment of gloom? Tumbling down tumbling down tumbling down. Everyone who has been impacted by this show will inevitably reference it in their work. It is a mind virus, the un-killable meme.
I have not seen the Rebuilds, and probably never will. EoE was perfect imo
Shinji was a little bitch but I mostly understood him. Up until That Scene. What the actual fuck man.
Gendo is probably my favorite character. Up until recently, I kind of always assumed I would end up as him. Pulling the strings of fate and kaleidoscopic conspiracy just to get back to that one time he felt the slightest bit of Love.
For some reason, most people who talk about Eva hate Gendo with a passion. They say he's an irredeemably mean dad. Well maybe I'm just coping, but I feel for the guy. He's got the same allure as Snape. I liked Snape on first reading and am not going back to check. Either way, Gendo is cast as a villain for wanting
Instrumentality
I freaking love Instrumentality. I want it to happen. Dissolving the barriers between all of humanity? Let's fucking GO! All problems Ever are caused by misunderstanding, so if we Solve Misunderstanding, existence can finally be simple again. So we lose individuality? Well it's basically a social construct anyway. Everyone turns into Tang? Cool. Who needs a body when 'who' is a meaningless concept?
Rei is fine. She's fine, okay? I like the potential of her character but there's just not enough there to get attached. Even the Author agrees, he forgot about her halfway thru.
Asuka. I'm disappointed with how her issues were presented. It was like reading a 5th grade textbook on CPTSD and neglect. There's an episode where she literally says out loud to nobody "I hate myself".
I knew a girl who hated herself. When I pointed that out to her, she would have killed me (not serious but like yk). People in that state do not just acknowledge "I hate myself". That scene completely broke my emotional immersion.
Kaworu. The gay demonic Jesus. He's a cool little dude ig.
Misato was pure waifu bait and I have nothing to say about her.
Kaji was a neat addition and I wish he'd been explored more. Also love that he's very obviously a bisexual triple agent top secret spy but also this chill dude who grows watermelons at the end of the world. We stan.
#neon genesis evangelion#mir rants#also yes ik Misato is an actual character with issues to work thru just#the internet doesn't so#deal with it
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Episode 8 thoughts
Omg I’m almost done
Honestly loving all these intros, although my favourites still the crow one
Ohhh wait no nikolais gonna get attacked in the chapel isn’t he
KAZ GAVE NIKOLAI HIS CANE THEY ARE IN FACT BEST FRIENDS
WYLANS HOLDING JESPERS HAT
my man! I mean we haven’t actually put a label on that have we? GOD I LOVE THEM JESPERS SUCH A DISASTER BI I CANT
FINALLY SOMEONE SAID I LOVE YOU
Ding dong mals dead
SLAY ALINA
Darkling shut up. No one cares and I mean that literally
SLAY SHE DID IT GUYS
NIKOLAI NOOO
INEJ GHAFA DOING A SPIN MIDAIR WAS SOMETHING I DID NOT KNOW I NEEDED
Lol look at him talking about how he’s gonna live while he’s dying
Slay Alina you will in fact save yourself
Inej save her life rn
OMG SHE THREW THE SWORD SLAY INEJ I LOVE HER SO MUCH
Are they seriously tryna push the darklina agenda rn?
OMG NO SLAY SHE JUST FUCKING STABBED HIM
AS SHE SHOULD
Why’s his blood black?
NIKOLAI MY BELOVED ITS GONNA BE OKAY NOT FOR A LONG TIME BUT EVENTUALLY IT WILL BE
Kick him zoya he deserves it
IS BURNING THE DARKLINGS BODY THE BONFIRE THE CAST WAS TALKING ABOUT?? DO THEY LITERALLY HAVE A BONFIRE AROUND HIS BODY?
Also there’s still 49 minutes left I’m not entirely sure I want to watch them
Who’s body?
KAZ KNOWS POETRY?!
God Nikolais best mates dead and he’s so heartbroken
Kaz go to Inej challenge
Does Alina not lose her powers?
Not Kaz watching Inej
Nikolai and zoya in the same sentence….that it. Is that all we’re getting?!
THEYRE JUST STARING AT EACH OTHER
JESPER I LOVE YOU BUT FUCK OFF
YES KAZ GET THAT MONEY
Tamar and Nadia holding hands!
JESPER BROKE THE FOURTH WALL
OH SHIT WHAT?? DOES MAL NOT LOVE ALINA ANYMORE?!
Nina and Kaz being besties
Nina talking about clawing her way to a happily ever after and KAZ LOOKING AT INEJ
NO MATTHIAS DO NOT TEAM UP WITH PEKKA
NO NO DAVID BETTER NOT BE DEAD ALREADY
NOT A RUBY AND THE DESIGN FOR A RING NO FUCKING WRITERS NEED TO CHILL THE HELL OUT WHAT THE FUCK
IT WAS BAD ENOUGH IT WAS THEIR WEDDING DAY BUT THEY DIDNT EVEN GET ENGAGED
WHY IS THE DARKLING GETTING MORE OF A FUNERAL THEN DAVID
Zoya and Nikolai finally in the same place and they’re not even gonna flirt
Ngl them having this conversation over the darkling burning corpse is a power play
AHHH THE BEE OMG THATS SO SMART THATS ACTUALLY SO SMART CAUSE ONLY SHOW WATCHERS ARENT GONNA NOTICE ANYTHING
OMG WHAT MALS GONNA BE A PRIVATEER?! WHAT
Yeah but if your paths are that you both decide not to see each other again that’s not really proving anything is it?
MAL DIDN’T GET THE TATOO THANK GOD
Bestie Alina don’t cry he’s really not worth it
INEJ PRAYING IN THE CHAPEL
Is that Kaz brekker? Yes it is!
AYYY MATTHIAS GOT HIS PARDON
AHHH HES SAYING GOODBYE BUT KAZ BREKKER DOESNT SAY GOODBYE
HES BEEN SENDING SPIES TO AUCTIONS TO TRY AND FIND THE GUY WHO KIDNAPPED HER
HE WAS LOOKING FOR HER FAMILY BECAUSE HE DIDNT WANT HER TO LOSE HER BROTHER
INEJ PRAYS FOR JORDIE
WHAT DO YOU WANT THEN?!?!! AHHHHH HE WAS GOING TO SAY YOU INEJ YOU AND THEN HE CHANGED HIS MIND AND SAID ABOUT THE GOLD
HIS MOUTH STARTED MOVING TO SAY YOU AND THEN HE STOPPED HIMSELF
HE ASKED HER TO STAY
FUCK OFF IM NOT OKAY RIGHT NOW
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
STAY IN KETTERDAM STAY WITH ME
I WANT YOU TO I WANT YOU
THEYRE TECHNICALLY HOLDING HANDS
AND HOW WILL YOU HAVE ME
I WILL HAVÉ YOU WITHOUT YOUR ARMOR KAZ BREKKER OR I WILL NOT HAVE YOU AT ALL
I CANNOT COPE WITH THIS LIKE AT ALL
Off topic but Inej looks so gorgeous
ITS THE WAY THE TWO MAIN KANEJ SCENES IN THIS SHOW BOTH TAKE PLACE IN PLACES OF WORSHIP?!
THE HOPE IN HIS EYES WHEN SHE SAID I WILL HAVE YOU
AHHHH NADIAS GOING WITH TAMAR
AHHH MALS STURMHOND NOW?!
OMG INEJ IS GOING WITH
FUCK OFF NO WHAT
I WAS CONCERNED A FEW EPISODES BACK THAT TOLYA WAS CRUSHING ON INEJ AND NOW IM SCARED AGAIN
ISNT HE ARO IM PRETTY SURE HES ARO
It’s giving pirates of the Caribbean theme song
YES INEJ IS HUNTING SLAVERS
BUT MAL IN NIKOLAIS COAT IS DODGY
NO MATTHIAS HAS TO FIGHT WOLVES
PEKKA ROLLINS GO KILL YOURSELF RIGHT NOW
MINOR SLAY FROM MATTHIAS?!
OOOOO NINAS PIIIISSED
Oh shit Nina the letter!!
HES BUYING OUT INDENTURES FOR INEJ
AND THAT GIRL KESH FROM THE FIRST EPISODE
Aaaaaa slay Nikolai
Nooooo Nikolai
HE LOOKS LIKE THAT FANART THE OUTFIT DOES WITH THE BREECHES
AHHHH HES TURNED INTO A DEMON
SLAY ALINA HONESTLY THAT CROWN IS A GOOD LOOK
NOT UNLESS YOUR THINKING OF ME INSTEAD OF TRYING TO FORGET HIM
AHHH NIKOLAI AND ZOYA IN THE SAME ROOM AGAIN
Zoya and genya are also looking gorgeous
YES ZOYA YOU COULD INDEED FIX HIM
Omg so is the triumvirate gonna be zoya genya and Alina rather than David?!
But I look amazing in blue YES YOU DO
OMG ZOYA CALLED THEM A TRIUMVIRATE (which is also not how I thought it was pronounced like at all)
AN OPPORTUNITY HAS PRESENTED ITSELF METHINKS ITS THE ICE COURT
WHICH MEANS THEY HAVE TO GET INEJ BACK NO?!
Ayyyy nikolais officially king
Are divorces a thing? If Nikolai and Alina get married then they just get divorced and Nikolai can end up with zoya right??
JURDA PAREM
SHES GONNA TRY KILL NIKOLAI
Oh god turn nikolais coronation into a bloodbath why don’t you
Slay Alina
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ANDYYYYYYY QUEEEEEEN
I've been busy with my own bullshit and I didn't even realized you posted part 7 of Everlong. I'm ashamed of myself cause this story lives rent free in my mind cause is SOOOOO FUCKING GOOD
Ok first of all, we love a girlboss who threatens to shoot at people that hurt her bf. Favorite trope of badass girlie that can fuck you up if you disrespect her man but also is such a sweetheart. I can't tell you how excited I was to see her defending him, honestly goals.
Then we have bitchboi Steve... ok, so I do feel kinda bad for him, he's got some problems he should work through, and the whole thing with his parents and probably everyone in the ST universe has added ptsd but I FUCKING LOVE THE ANGST OF MAKING HIM SUFFER, does that make me a bad person? Maybeeeee, but I enjoy it. Bitchboi Steve how are you going to come here and tell her that you can change just cause you haven't had sex since you CALLED her a slut? Oh wow, what a big change.
I can't tell you how much I loved that scene of Steve opening his heart to Reader and her being like "I don't forgive you" cause you the way you write it we can see her mind going from "I'll always love Steve, he's been my bestie for so long" to like "He fucked me up real bad". To me, in this case, it feels like a bigger betrayal and heartbreak from the fact that they've been friends and lovers (emotionally only I'm assuming, unless there's somewhere that says they slept together before and I missed it) than someone who just broke your heart.
Anyways Andy I know this ask is going long so all I want to say as always is that I love your writing, your angst makes me cry and it's the best. Love you queen ❤️
IM SO HAPPY YOU LIKED IT SO MUCH!!!
I loved writing that little action scene haha! Sunshine characters that turn into scary badass bitches are my faves 😌
I’m glad you like the part with Steve! He definitely has a lot of trauma and he needs to work through a lot of things. He had the worst coping mechanism ever and losing her actually made him realize some things!
They have definitely been emotional lovers! Aside from the kiss, nothing happened! Steve got his heart broken twice, not only did he lose her as “his girl” he also lost her as a friend! She’s gonna suffer too though, losing a best friend is the worst 🥲
I’m so glad that you love my writing so much! Thank you, love ❤️
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How It Feels To Abandon Yourself
I deactivated my twitter today.
Please, hold your applause. Allow me to pontificate a bit first, then you may shower me in praise for doing the bare minimum for my mental health.
When I first got onto tumblr in 2011, it was so incredibly freeing. I could share exactly the aesthetics I wanted to uplift. I could put my thoughts out there in formatted blog posts. I could share quips in the tags of posts I shared. It felt like I was in control of every aspect of my identity, my aspirations, I set up a queue schedule so my posts would be evenly spaced and I wouldn’t spam people’s feeds. I had such a handle of who I was and what I wanted and how I wanted to express it.
oh shit what’s that oh no it’s the tumblr exodus of the 2010s
When I went to twitter, I had to delete most of my tweets and revamp the whole thing, because twitter wasn’t a place on the internet where you lived your life and shared it with people, back in 2015 twitter was where I went to depression post, shitpost, and stalk each person that was ever involved with team starkid. But when the exodus happened, I had to learn how to live my online life on twitter, not only that, but I was on twitter at the behest of someone who was once very important to me, and for years my identity, specifically on twitter, was tied to this person. So I never really felt like myself, I never felt the same sense of comfort in myself or my expression like I did on tumblr. But it’s where the zeitgeist was, and you just had to be there. And when I went there, I deleted my whole tumblr. I abandoned myself. I burned the most comprehensive record of who I was from 2011 to 2018.
When I did this I had no idea that it would be like burning every journal I ever wrote, but worse, because I’ve never written a journal, so it’s actually the closest thing I’ve ever had to one. But I didn’t realize how devastating that is, until **dunn dunn**
The Breakup
in 2021 my best friend, my father figure, my BDSM dominant, and far too many more “my”s made the correct assessment that our relationship had run it’s course, and it was time for it all to end. And then he deleted any archive of our correspondences so not even I could not access them. I dunno I never understood telegram but as far as I know, that shit is gone forever. And that broke me inside a bit. Not only was this relationship over, the entire chronological dialogue of the entire thing was eradicated. It felt like someone wrote you the most valuable stack of letters you hold dear and then snuck into your home and burned them. But worse because we never wrote letters it’s all in those chats and they’re just gone. This is the first time that I realized the impermanence of all of this is existentially horrifying. Things I have poured my hopes, my dreams, my desires, my fears, hell my fucking soul, things I have poured my fucking soul into, just don’t exist anymore.
I always loved the scene from The Lord of the Rings where Bilbo uses his ring to dazzle his fellow hobbits once more, and taking the most self aggrandizing exit from the pleasant fakeness of hobbit life. What I am trying to say, that he did in fact have the charisma uniqueness nerve and talent. This fucking camp queen. Bilbo has successfully made his way back into Plato’s cave without getting killed but then heckles the people making shadows on the wall cause it’s so funny to him.
So how I am coping with abandoning myself after I know how much damage that can do to my future self? I’ll be honest, because it doesn’t feel like me anymore. And I feel like I’ve been holding on to twitter solely because it’s where my largest following on the internet is. I had 5556 followers on twitter when I deactivated my account 30 minutes ago. That level of reach, that level of influence, it’s hard to let go of. I want to hold tightly onto it and hope to maybe make something out of it in the future. But that was all a cope. I just didn’t want to relinquish the only power I felt like I had on twitter, and that power was a silly little number. But the tradeoff I didn’t want to acknowledge is that you belong to that following, and I got that following from being in the proximity of people I am no longer in the proximity of. It feels like I’m sitting in a college course I didn’t sign up for, but I am too terrified of admitting I’m in the wrong classroom to go get up and find the right one.
So this leaves me sitting here thinking about the very real parts of myself that have been abandoned. The parts of me that I’ve given to people that have been forgotten, erased, taken for granted, or taken as something more than that it is. How many fragments of myself am I going to just allow to be impermanent? Can I even at this point forward be myself when so many parts of my self have been erased? Do I even try in the future to express myself, give parts of who I am to these cooperate entities vying for my attention, my AdSense, my data, in exchange for the feeling of permanence?
It feels futile, to fragment who you are into these very real pieces, and leave them behind, hoping someone picks it up, tosses a like, makes a comment. It feels silly, it feels hopeless. Jonathan Larson spent decades of his life fighting a clock he himself antagonized because he felt like if he didn’t, it would consume him. I am almost 29 years old and I don’t even have a rough draft of a meticulously crafted grandiose unique perspective that leaves behind an idea of why I deserve to be remembered.
Maybe it’s about time that I stop abandoning fragments. The issue is, it’s all I know. And a part of me I don’t want to give any credence to, secretly loves to ability to kill a version of me once every few years, and burn the evidence.
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yeah…I’m trying to convince myself that gojo is really gone because it’s going to hurt like shit if I start to have hope and he doesn’t come back 😭
……and with that being said. I have some thoughts to help me cope.
1.) Gojo states that he hopes what he’s experiencing (reuniting with geto, yaga, etc.) isn’t a dream. While this has caused a lot of us to immediately go “oh, he’s dead dead” since he’s seems content, apart of me found it interesting how he states that yet we get no actual answer as to whether or not it is just a dream. We see him smiling with geto and waving to what it seems like to be everyone else in the afterlife, but there’s no dialogue.
Gojo saying that he hopes this all isn’t a dream reminded me of this character named Gray (from fairy tail) who was in this fake reality and states that he wishes it was real since he was with the girl he loved and had a family with her. But, nonetheless he broke out of that fake reality because he knew he still had stuff to do.
While Gojo seems content with being dead, he does state something he somewhat regrets: not being able to tell Megumi about Toji.
and while he counters that with how he told shoko to take care of it, Gege has stated that Gojo will be the one to tell Megumi about Toji.
(honestly, I think Megumi is going to die and see gojo in the afterlife and that’s when he’s going to find out but 😭 this is me coping 😔)
Anyways, that’s still a regret he has. And it’s about Megumi. And what condition is Megumi in right now? Well, he’s pretty fucked up rn 😭
But I think that even though Gojo wants to be dead, he knows that there’s still stuff he has to do.
I think there’s still a chance he’ll come back, especially because we TECHNICALLY didn’t see him stop breathing, S*kuna praised him and Gojo smiled then we saw his face—we technically haven’t seen him taken his last breath (my delusions are so powerful 😭) also his head is still on his body, and Gojo has made it a statement that although you make think he’s dead, he had a chance to come back as long as he has his head, which is why you go. for. the. head.
2.) Shoko using RCT and Yuta possibly helping Shoko with that
3.) Writing.
Genuinely, I think an extremely good writer move to do in this situation would be to bring Gojo back, like sincerely I really do think that.
Now, before continuing this, I’d like to state that if Gege doesn’t do this; it doesn’t make Gege a shit writer. Some characters/plots can be hyped up intentionally, just for the good guys to lose because that’s what gets to readers. That’s why the Jjk as a whole hits so hard—that’s what a major theme of the story.
But…I really do think this would make it a better arc for Gojo since an ongoing theme for him has always been his identity, I mean in interviews Gege literally says that he lacks a personality.
I think Gojo going “north” and him coming back, but not necessarily fighting anymore and it’s more of him accepting that he’s Gojo Satoru, not just the strongest, would be a beautiful way to tie up his arc. not to mention, s*kuna didn’t refer to him as “the strongest” but called him by his name, Gojo Satoru.
I know a big thing about Gojo’ death, was that it was a very dishonoring death and kind of felt like a cop out since Gege has spoken on struggling with killing Gojo, thus him getting sealed.
I really do think there’s more that can be done with Gojo, but again, I don’t think this is that kind of story. Gege could 100% just plan to make this a full on tragedy just like with Greek plays, to show the faults of humanity and it’s effects
— 🕊️ (are you fine with emoji anons, if you’re not then just ignore this little emoji bit!)
i feel like that little airport scene is almost like purgatory/in between life and death. there's gotta be a reason why gojo meets his friends in an airport and not school or something. is he leaving to go somewhere? (i am also delusional)
i've never read anything where gege said that gojo would be the one to tell megumi about toji so maybe that can be another fragment of hope i can hold on to 😭
and yes i have faith in my girl shoko and my manz yuta! kashimo distract sukuna so they can drag his body away or smthn idk
i agree that having him live as just satoru gojo, a human, would have been the best conclusion for him but i guess we'll have to wait and see what gege's cooking (bc i know he's cooking something)
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a fucking mess
man guys it happened, i ran into my ex! and boy was it terrible. let me set the scene: im at the gas station and simultaneously pumping gas and recording a snapchat video like we do. and as im done pumping the gas and getting back into the car and watching back my video, he pops into my car window. completely caught me off guard. i cant remember all the shit he said but he did say stop "talking shit about me online". which i found to be annoying but whatever. i pulled away as fast as i could and parked down the street. i tried my best to not give a reaction or say a word and i didnt. i pulled over and cried for a bit like a fucking pussy, cause i couldnt handle it. my ass was so stressed. i dot know about yall but i dont ever expect to see an ex after a breakup unless its intentional. and the fact that he was just at my neighborhood arco was just a nightmare. officially never going there again.
im telling yall a breakup is different for everyone. we cope differently and its all good. a bitch will be revealing but just know that my book will but much better. and the focus isnt necessary my ex's but more so my life after blossoming into a woman if you will. a bitch hit a hundred bodies i feel like i got a story to tell. and 100 isnt a lot but in 3 years i give myself a pat on the back. theres just a lot of tales and unfortunate situations i got myself into.
malik is an ass. was an ass. i dont care for the terminology hes a menace and no im not gunna shut up about him to an extent. sometimes i remember that he used to hit me, sometimes i remember he used to be rude as fuck, i remember when he told me he had herpes and religiously blamed it on his last girlfriend. he was a big piece of shit and i just feel if someone wants to get involved with him they should know the indiscretion he omits.
Malik Salam shit list (from oakland in case you women are unaware)
-cheater (multiple times, im aware im the dumbass that took him back like 4 times for the same shit but imma still add it to my list cause a bitch was gaslight like a motherfucker till i saw shit for myself)((this is as in messaging/hooking up with master rochi/the white bitch im blanking on her name right now)
-has fucking herpes and reused to let anyone of his previous sexual partners know
-constantly asked to borrow money with and told me hed pay me back, blackmailed me by saying he woulnt pay me back if we broke up, and for the whole 3 years almost never paid back any of the money
im sorry the money always be pissing me off. like yall don understand when i get to the malik chapter of my book im gunna go off. he whole ass knew since december 2021 that his friend was getting married in vegas in october 2022. told me up and down i wasnt going. literally could have convos about how i was axed from those plans. and because hes cheap (or broke i didnt looked at his accounts) a month before he tells me i can suddenly go. "book the room and well split it" never got his half. paid for gas the whole way there. paid for the majority of meals. but dont worry he shared his weed.
actually at some point in the planning he uninvited me from the wedding and said "i could still come to vegas just not the wedding" so my ass didnt even have a fit for the wedding, we went shopping out there. just thinking about this shit is annoying. supposedly your best friend is getting married but you didnt put any money away for the whole event. spent the 4 days there watching squid games in his car, he did bring weed so we shared our weed too, and didnt really do shit. went to the hoover dam and the grand canyon, but not really the grand canyon cause e got there when it was dark and didnt see shit. but overall i spent a band on the trip and never got half of that.
gosh i hate shitting on someone cause obviously you loved them and thought well of them at some point so just know im ranting. this really is my space so my ass sometimes just wants to shit on the bitch i tried to really see the good in. like the basic consensus is i feel stupid as fuck and im not gunna go tell my homies exactly how big a shit head he was. i didnt while we were together and i aint finna start. so imma just write it out and shit on his ass on my tumblr like any healthy and coping young lady.
and his hair looks stupid so very much happy.
its crazy cause ive been thinking abut derrick lately (my og ex boyfriend) and then byrd hits me up to hang out (my og fuck buddy). the byrd thing isnt soo soo weid just cause i did hit him up like a week ago to say happy birthday. but his ass doesnt munch box so theres no point in hooking up.
however derrick...
man i aint seen him in like a over a year, his birthdays at the end of the month and i have a bit of a birthday message already in the works. hes gunna be 30 at the end of the month and it makes me remember our pact, said wed marry each other if we were still single. but last time i seen him i said "can we change our pact age to 40" 30 still young i still have time and plenty of fish still swimming around.
see that man is a muncher, not the best, but hes alright for the occasion. but its not the munching im there for its the wiener. see his wiener could have a whole chapter in my book too. i was obsessed with it and him. he just fucks hella good, im sorry im repetitive but damn that man works his wiener like a king. if i could have one last fuck it be him forsure. sometimes i can still feel it if i concentrate, and 100% will get goose bumps. sometimes i feel like hitting him up but he still has the same girlfriend, and last time we hooked up im sure it was some type of sneak off on his part, but thats exactly why im unlucky with love. i be fucking with this man and i dont know if hes single single. and he wasnt a good partner either, he cheated too and lied about that shit, except i actually left after the first time.
idk didnt mean to go off topic, sometimes i start spewing and shit gets all mixed together. lowkey i have had derrick on the brain so to see malik was just hella wild. im pretty sure he called me but last time i checked we didnt have shit to say to each other. i spent 3 years giving that amn all the opportunity to tell me wassup to spill his guts and truly im over it and if hes tickled that im "exposing" him for being a shitty boyfriend when in reality im just fucking telling my truth is obnoxious. he hit me he cheated on me he lied about all the shit he was doing and continued to even when confronted. like my ass is just hurt and im gunna let it out
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ik you’re an mcr fan even tho u don’t talk about it all that much on here, but as a fellow levi and mcr stan i have to ask if you have any feelings/thoughts about tour officially being over because i’m in shambles
mannnnn i’ve been in love with mcr since i was 9 or 10 years old and not only is that where my love of music started but how i started to cope with my Living Situation as a kid and🧍🏻it’s rly difficult to put into words how much mcr means to me. /srs the course of my life would be different if i never started listening to them. i wouldn’t be the PERSON i am. they’re actually also… how i got into writing fanfic💀 i know alllll the lore. watched lotms more times than i can count. watched their concerts on youtube. learned every detail about frank iero and gerard way as possible. etc etc etc it’s kind of insane. i so much more than love them but ur right i don’t mention it enough on this blog lol
(bro i remember where i was on halloween 2019 when the reunion post went up on instagram. i lost my SHIT and don’t even get me started on their single. holy fuck)
this past tour would’ve been the first time i ever saw them in concert (i was too young to ever go before 2013 when they broke up rip… but on that topic in 2018 when it appeared that they were returning i remember vividly listening to their entire discography (((for not the first time… bc i did so every march 22nd aka the anniversary of when the band broke up……))) and dressing up as “””emo””” as possible for some reason only 16 year old me knows. the disappointment when i learned it was just the anniversary for the black parade and a… honestly mediocre remix? true betrayal tbh) - but then my concert was cancelled bc of stupid reasons wherein basically the organizers fucked up. at that point i’d been waiting like 3 years to see them (bc of covid), and i didn’t have the money even WITH a refund to buy another ticket or travel, so i just tapped out. it sucked.
BUT ANYWAY i’m not nearly as obsessed with them as i used to be, even though i will always love mcr and everything they stand for until i die. all that to say i haven’t been keeping up with the tour much, partly because mcr stan twitter is fucking unbearable. idk maybe the fandom just isn’t my scene anymore or there are too many young people in it, it’s hard to explain.
i’m really really really fuxking interested in what they do next though. a single being released implies an album in the future in which case i will explode, causing the heat death of the universe and i will become one with the soundwaves emanating from the music.
hope a ramble like that answers ur question🥰
OH: my number one favorite fun fact about myself is that i was born on the exact day their first album bullets was released. to this day my favorite album by them tbh
#one core memory is me listening to my first mcr song and i was scrolling thru apple music or whatever it was in 2010 on my ipod#and i saw the song mama from the black parade and the only reason i listened to it was bc that’s what i called my mom idk💀💀💀💀💀#and of fucking course i fell in love with it and the entire song put all my angst into words#and bam point of no return#KFKWJVKW sorry for rambling yeah mcr is everything 2 me#kane has mail
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Feel Good Drag
》 Pretty Girl - Part 3
Word Count: 4.2K
Warning(s): Random Necessary OCs. Smut. Non-Consensual Recording. Dub-Con? Toxic Behavior. Mentions of Violence. Reader Is A Bitch. Emotional Sadomasochism. Masturbation.
Pairing: Ran x Fem!Reader x Rindou
Authors Note: FINALLY. God, I've had some of these scenes in my head since I wrote the first part and I just went, "No, these deserve a whole fic, no drabbles." Hope you guys appreciate it.
You moved on.
After Toman disbanded and the Haitani brothers ended up doing more time, you realized if you didn't get out right then you were never going to. Did you really want to be a delinquent all your life? Spend years waiting on those two to bounce back to you? No, no you didn't.
So you got some therapy, a decent job, and got the fuck out of Roppongi.
"So you're going out with us tonight, right?" You looked to the ceiling for patience as your coworker threw her arms around your shoulders and peered at you with a grin.
She was fun. Mischievous and adventurous and the polar opposite of you; that huge difference in personality was what made the two of you work. Lately she was super hung up on the idea of coaxing you into a threesome with her boyfriend and it had become something of a joke. It'd probably be a fun experience if the news of them getting out a month ago hadn't rendered you unable to think about anything else.
Did they know you'd run? Were they looking for you? Did they miss you?
"Leave Y/N alone, Yui." Her boyfriend tugged her to him, laughing. He was a genuinely nice guy, and that was half the problem. You had yet to figure out what his appeal was. Fuck, you couldn't even remember his name.
"But babe!" Yui whined, pouting at you when he just rolled his eyes affectionately, and you offered her a grin.
"It's that new club in Roppongi! C'mon, it'll be so much fun. Please? Sai is gonna buy our drinks." She wiggled her eyebrows and her boyfriend gave her an incredulous look.
"I am?" You couldn't help but laugh as you finished unpacking the new merchandise, eyeing some of the sleazy dresses. It might be fun.
"Fine, you can bring what's-his-face too." The one sided negotiation was finally starting to amuse you.
"You mean my boyfriend?" Yui looked so scandalized you snorted in laughter, shaking your head and thumbing a particularly skimpy dress.
"God, you made it official? But you guys have, like, no chemistry."
"He's a good guy." It was natural to defend him.
He was a text book definition good guy, in fact. So far removed from your type that he may as well be on a different planet. But he was going to be a lawyer and took you to nice restaurants. His family was sweet. White picket fence with two kids and a dog was what he expected, and you were prepared to deliver on it.
Because that was normal.
"He's boring, and he'll make you miserable. Mark my words, Y/N, he's not the one." When you didn't engage the line of conversation, she went back to trying to weasel an agreement from you.
What if you run into them? The thought shouldn't have sent your heart racing, and you clicked your tongue in annoyance. How would you know if your coping skills were working if you didn't test them? That was reasonable, right? Right?
And... you should say goodbye, right? Sure, they'd spent more time away from you than with you, but the bond you three had was intense. It'd be disrespectful to just ghost them. Yep. That made sense.
"As long as you're letting me mooch off you all night, cause I'm broke as fuck 'til next Friday." You finally sighed, smirking when she squealed and agreed, bouncing on her heels.
* * *
Your boyfriend had tests to study for, which was fine because you really didn't want him there anyway, and neither did Yui. Not that you'd ever admit it; you feigned just enough disappointment to be socially acceptable while she chattered about how cute the little pink dress you'd bought was.
The back was open and it barely covered your thighs, which left you looking a bit slutty with your heels, but that was kinda the point. A quick 'wish you were here' selfie for your busy boyfriend and viola! you were free of your obligation to cater to his disappointment.
Thus, Yui started plying you with alcohol.
You danced and laughed and took videos. Fuck, you even let her grind on you for her man's viewing pleasure before he hauled her off to the bathroom after a confirmation that, no, you were not interested in participating.
It was hard pretending you gave a fuck about any of it. The monotony was mind-numbing. Work, eat, sleep, and occasionally go out with friends. You were missing the adrenaline rush of a fight, or the comradery you'd had with Toman, even.
You'd finished your drink, enjoying being just this side of drunk and scrolling through facebook to occupy your thoughts for a bit. You doubted what's-his-fuck -- someday you'd remember his name, you vowed, because that's what normal friends did -- would keep Yui gone for long, but it was never fun being left alone in a dimly lit nightclub booth.
"This seat taken?" You hummed noncommittally, chin propped up in your palm.
Kou: Come over tonight? I miss you. :(
The text actually made you cringe. Maybe he wasn't the one you should be settling for. Surely there were some normal guys that weren't quite... this bland. There wasn't even anything wrong with him. On paper he was perfect marriage material. Why were you like this?
Y/N: Sure! I'll text when we leave. :)
With that painful exchange done, you looked up to see if the guy really had decided to sit with you and promptly dropped your phone. It clattered loudly and you winced, hoping you hadn't just fucked the screen up.
"Ran!?" He was mimicking your previous pose with an amused expression, batting long lashes at you teasingly.
"Y/N." Sliding you a drink, he smiled and you returned the gesture broadly.
"Well, that's embarrassing. Hi, how've you been?" You laughed sheepishly, pressing a hand to your heated cheek.
"I've been just lovely, sweetheart, how about you? Anything interesting happen while we were away?" Practically vibrating in your seat, you took a sip of his offering before licking your lips. Man, you were too drunk to properly combat the urge to preen under his gaze as it dipped to your exposed cleavage.
"Mm, got a job, moved into a shitty apartment, made some friends." You shrugged after ticking off the main points, popping the straw back into your mouth so you didn't start nibbling your fingers. Without really thinking about it, you folded your arms beneath your chest and leaned against the table. The way his gaze flickered back down to look caught your attention though.
"... Got a boyfriend." That one was a dig; you were curious to see if he reacted at all to the news. The only indication he'd heard was the slight dimming of his smile, but even that was so miniscule if you hadn't been staring so intently you'd have missed it.
"Oh?"
That was it. Oh.
"Mhmm." Your smile was threatening to become a smirk. The silence wasn't uncomfortable; you took a moment just to bask in his presence.
Your therapist had told you that you weren't in love with them. That you had an unhealthy codependency; you had somehow managed to fall into hero worshiping them for standing up for you as children.
You begged to differ.
"Do I know him?" Violet eyes were shining eerily; you knew you were probably swooning, but he was so fixated on the idea of you being in a relationship that he wouldn't notice.
"Nope. He's in school to be a lawyer, though, so you might in a couple years." That dig had been an accident. The filter between your brain and mouth had apparently shut off at some point. Rans eyebrows shot up, but his grin only widened.
"You seem like you've got something to say." He commented laughingly and it doused your amusement.
"Just that I'm done with the gangster shit. I don't want to be involved in it. I like my life the way it is now."
"That sounds a lot like you're breaking up with me, little lamb." It was said teasingly -- because it wasn't as if you could really even be called together in any capacity anymore -- but his smile was gone. The narrowing of his eyes forced yours down to the drink you were sipping at.
Your therapist would have been proud of you for confronting this problem. Maybe not the way you'd went about it, but the closure would do you good. You were an addict, and the Haitani brothers had been your drug of choice. Being around them was a shitty idea, and you needed to make it clear that you didn't want them around.
It was a lie, but you'd worked too fucking hard to get yourself back on track in life to let them fuck this up for you.
Boundaries. You were setting boundaries.
"I guess I am." The words instantly killed your good mood. It was like someone had hit you in the gut; Rans eyes widened in surprise and the urge to chew at your fingertips couldn't be ignored anymore.
You wanted to take it back.
Something in you was twisting and clawing and burning as you moved to stand on shaking legs. No. No. Nononono-- before you could slip away, his hand darted out and you were hauled back. The edge of the table caught your hip; the hiss of pain drowned out by the thump of the bass as Ran dragged you sideways into his lap.
"No." His arms may as well have been steel beams for all your squirming to escape did.
"No? You can't just say no, Ran! That's not how this works."
"Like Hell it isn't. You're ours." It was growled out as his nails dug into your hips; the shudder that rattled your form made him let out a soft huff of satisfaction.
"I can't do this with you right now," You wished your voice wasn't wavering, it would have helped make your case. "I don't want to, and I don't have to. Let go!" Kicking your legs petulantly didn't make his grip loosen at all but you were vaguely aware you probably flashed some fortunate souls.
"Fuck that!" Ran gripped your jaw hard enough you suspected it would bruise and forced you to look up at him. "You think you're going to find someone better and run off? Think you're too good for me and Rin anymore?"
"Yeah, thats exactly what I'm doing, you asshole. They'll be better for me and I won't end up getting the shit kicked out of me on the daily, or waiting around for you two to get done doing time!"
"They'll be better for you, maybe, but not like us. Nobody will ever love you like we do, Y/N."
The sound of Rindous calm voice cut through the noise of the club and you felt the stupid starry-eyed look coming over your face.
Love?
They loved--
"What? That all you needed to hear? Way to be basic, babygirl." Ran clicked his tongue, licking his lips when you tried to jerk your face out of his grip. It was half-hearted. If you'd really wanted to fight back it wasn't as though you didn't remember how to throw a punch.
Rindous fingers danced along your exposed spine and the tension began leaking out of your body completely; Rans punishing grip loosened. You couldn't help it-- you'd missed them.
You always missed them. That was the problem in the first fucking place.
"There's my good girl." His thumb traced your lower lip pensively for a breath before you bit it softly. It was an impulse you couldn't resist with him so close, and the way his eyes darkened in response had you squirming on his lap.
"Y/N?" Yuis gasp gave you the push you needed to jerk away from him.
Rindou sidestepped when you scrambled from the booth with a soft curse, mortification sparking in your chest. Turning a sneer their way, you grabbed your friends arm to start pushing her away from them.
Great. Worlds colliding. Fun.
"I'm not your anything." Except you were and the fact all your hard work to build yourself up was being chipped away by their mere presence was pissing you off.
Ran just snickered, long arms draping across the back of the booth and legs sprawling out beneath the too-small table. When your eyes -- the fucking traitors -- rolled down his body appreciatively, stalling out at the bulge in his jeans for a beat too long to be appropriate, you wished that the room was darker.
"This was obviously a bad time," Rindou commented as your thighs pressed together at the sudden bolt of arousal. "Here, just take our number in case you need something and we can talk another time, alright, bunny?" The nickname earned him a whimper that you couldn't quite swallow; the smirk he gave you as he grabbed your phone off the table made you dizzy. Bastards.
When he proceeded to guess your password you barked out an incredulous laugh, but you didn't try to stop him from putting in their contacts. You should have. That'd be the smart thing to do.
But if these men didn't make you fucking stupid.
"See you soon."
* * *
You were angry-- stupidly, irrationally angry when you showed up at your boyfriends apartment. Honestly, you couldn't even remember the walk there -- besides the fact Yui had thought the whole evening was hilarious as she caught a cab with Sai -- but when you let yourself inside and kicked your heels off Kou was sitting on his couch and you just snapped.
You were upset and horny and he was there-- it wasn't fucked up to have sex with him cause someone else pushed your buttons, right? After another moment you realized you didn't even care as long as you could scratch the itch. Mr. Normal could manage that much for you, surely.
"Hey!" He looked over and did a double take, eyes widening in a way that might have made you laugh if you weren't counting backwards from ten over and over. "O-Oh, you look--"
A devious idea popped into your head; you decided to quit thinking so hard as you pulled up the camera on your phone. You propped it up on the coffee table and promptly straddled him, not even checking to make sure the angle was right.
Ten.
Your lips met his harshly, grinding down against him. It took seconds for him to harden beneath you as you tugged the dress off over your head.
Nine.
"Oh." He whimpered when you tugged on his lower lip with your teeth, reaching down to hurriedly undo his pants. He whimpered. Gag.
Eight.
None of it was right. His hair was too short; you petted the strands anyway, catching what you could and tugging softly. The asshole didn't even have the sense to line himself up or anything. You realized rapidly you wouldn't be able to cum like this, but you'd be damned if you didn't try just because his last name wasn't Haitani.
Seven.
You didn't mean to roll your eyes when he started kissing at your shoulder, but seriously. There wasn't even any tongue. Did you have to do everything? Luckily you didn't need much prep thanks to your time in the club -- not that you'd ever admit it -- but he could at least do better than that.
Six.
The red haze wasn't even getting better. If anything, the fact you weren't currently on one of their laps was making you angrier. You dropped your hand back down, stroking him a few times before tugging your panties to one side, ready to be done with this whole ordeal but to nice to just leave the man hanging.
Five.
"Y/N--" His voice was wrong, so you forced his head back and pressed your lips together again. At least he caught up enough to grip your hips as you sank down onto him, even if he didn't try to control the way you rocked your hips. It did feel good, at least, stretching you well enough you let out a soft sigh of relief.
Four.
Honestly, this was probably a shock to his system, seeing as the only position you two had ever fucked in was missionary, but wasn't most of this instinct? Your hand curled around the back of his neck, digging your nails in just to make him hiss. Maybe you could get off if he could just--
Three.
"Ouch! Hold on, sweetie, slow down--" He managed to flex his fingers, but let you keep bouncing on his dick despite his protests. God, you hated this guy. No, fuck, you didn't hate him. You didn't. Realizing he wasn't going to last very long, you dipped your fingers down and strummed at your clit desperately.
Two.
He came with a whine that grated on you, but you had enough of a conscience to pet him through it like you gave a damn about how he was feeling. You couldn't even borrow his cock and pretend he was someone else to get off, but sure, let's make sure he gets the warm fuzzies. Your high was gone, so you bit back a growl of frustration and tugged your fingers from your panties.
One.
Climbing off his lap and cutting the video, you could have cried. It was three goddamn minutes.
"What was that about?" Your boyfriend asked, breathless, as he tucked himself back into his pants; hitting send, you smirked to yourself before turning to him.
"Just missed you tonight. I'm gonna go clean up." It was a few minutes before he responded, and luckily you were still in the bathroom.
Ran: My poor little lamb. I'd love to help you out, but I'm kinda busy.
The video you got in return nearly made you crack a tooth. The strands of blond wrapped around his fingers, bobbing against his crotch under the flashing lights of the club made your hands shake.
Suddenly, he made a fist and you whimpered when he forced her down roughly. The sound of her gagging nearly made you black out with rage and envy.
The camera flipped around and suddenly you were looking at Rans smug, shit-eating grin before it cut off.
Y/N: Fuck you.
You played it again, eyes watering in rage and an uncomfortable neediness that you didn't want to be feeling before slipping your fingers back into your underwear. The tears slipped free as you braced against the wall, playing the damn thing over and over and over until--
A gasp of relief left you when your knees shook, the orgasm somehow managing to line up perfectly with his smug fucking smile.
Mine.
Ran: Awh, are you mad? That's too bad.
Ran: Make sure you tell your little boyfriend I said he's welcome.
* * *
"I-I'm sorry, what?" You were more shocked than hurt as you stood at the foot of the hospital bed. It had been almost a week since you'd bumped into the Haitanis. Things between you and Kou had been going well. Normal. Everything had seemed normal.
"We should break up." He wouldn't even look at you. Probably thinking you were going to burst into tears or something, but you were slowly putting shit together in your head.
"Why?" You willed him to be honest, trying to drill a hole in the side of his head with your eyes. He'd said it was a mugging gone wrong when the cops had shown up, and you'd -- naively, perhaps -- believed him because he was kind of soft.
"Everything's just... too much. I'm too stressed out between school and work and now this a-and-- honestly, Y/N, I don't think we're a great fit."
Liar.
"I understand." Because you did. You even got the parts he wasnt saying, like: "Hey some asshole with a baton beat me stupid because you didn't dump me, isn't that nuts?"
You didn't bother with anything else, letting him think you were just too upset to say goodbye as you hurried out of the hospital. Whipping your phone out, you dialed Ran before your indignation died out.
"Yes, darling?"
"Have you lost your fucking mind? What if he tells the cops you complete fucking idi--"
"Whoa, there, baby, slow down. What are you chewing me out about?" He interrupted, sounding more serious as you tried to control your volume.
"My ex-boyfriend is in the hospital." You bit out and there was a long silence. Just as you went to make sure the call hadn't dropped, there was a sudden bout of laughter.
"And the first thing you did was start lecturing me on getting caught? I knew you still cared." He cooed and you winced. Yeah, okay, that was probably shitty of you.
"No worries, little lamb, it wasn't me."
"I call bullshit."
"Cross my heart. You're barking up the wrong tree. Personally I'm a little sad I won't get anymore videos of you--"
"Goodbye, Ran." With that you hung up with burning cheeks, glaring at the phone as though it was somehow to blame. Much more hesitantly, you eyed Rindous contact.
Surely he wouldn't have. He'd been so calm at the club, and hadn't bothered you a single time since. But Kous arm had been broken, and you'd missed the explanation on that so-- so maybe--
You hit dial before you could change your mind.
"Did you do it?" You immediately spit out in lieu of a greeting when he picked up, too scared you would lose your nerve if he spoke first.
"Yes." Leave it to Rindou not to beat around the bush.
"You're gonna get caught." The fact tears prickled at your eyes was completely out of frustration and had nothing to do with the despair that suddenly washed over you.
They could drone on and on about being together all they wanted, but the more they did stupid shit like this the more certain you were that the three of you would never get anywhere. Even if you did decide that you wanted a relationship with them, where was it even going to go with them sitting in a fucking cell for most of it?
"Where are you?" Rindou asked simply as you swiped your eyes irritably and looked around. The fact you'd been wandering aimlessly like this was a bit embarrassing, and it took a minute to orient yourself enough to give him an answer.
"Give me five minutes. Don't move." He hung up before you could bite out something rude, and while you were tempted to disobey, your feet stayed planted right where you were. You wrapped your arms around your middle, counting backwards slowly and swiping the random, offending tear.
"Shit, are you crying? Bunny, c'mere." Rindou gently grabbed the nape of your neck and led you towards a nearby alley before wrapping you up in his arms. Despite your best efforts, you couldn't contain your sniffling; he stroked your spine gently even though you refused to hug him back.
"Look, I didn't realize you really liked the guy that much. Ran showed me the--"
"You think-- you think that's why I'm--?" A slightly hysterical sob burst out of you, followed by bitter laughter.
You grasped your sudden anger -- anger at him, and Ran, and yourself -- and shoved away from him roughly. Rindou didn't even look distressed when you gave into the urge to shove him again, letting out a strangled screech.
"I'm mad because you're an idiot! Because you and your fucking brother just breeze in and out of my life like no matter what you're just entitled to my lo--" You had the sense to halt that confession, turning your back on him to start pacing.
"And now you're gonna get into more shit and you'll be gone again and--"
"Y/N, look at me."
"Fuck no! You're stupid and this is stupid and I don't even know why I'm here--" Rindou stepped into your path, grasping your face in his hands and pressing a hard kiss to your mouth. You instinctively stepped back, inhaling sharply and he pressed forward, walking you backwards until you collided with brick.
"Not gonna leave you again." It was a distracted mutter against your lips; your hands gripped at the fabric of his shirt, pulling his mouth back to yours with a groan.
"Liar." Won't leave. Loves me. Lovesmelovesmelovesme--
"Promise."
Mine. Just as he leaned in again, a phone started ringing and you actually whined when he leaned back to answer it.
"What?" Rindou listened for a moment, eyes locked on yours as he caressed your face with his free hand.
"I'm with her now, actually. Yeah, yeah." He rolled his eyes, and you smiled softly to yourself. His thumb shifted around to your lips and you nipped at it, earning a smirk.
"Fine, whatever. Bye, Ran." Much like his brother had done before, Rindou pressed his thumb against your mouth and you opened for him. This time, however, you swirled your tongue around it, and he visibly shuddered as he pulled back.
"Not the first time, pretty girl." You scoffed, rolling your eyes at the grin he was wearing and rubbing furiously at your face.
Bastards.
《 Part Two 《
》 Part Four 》
Taglist: @selfishwitch, @youpieceofwasabi
#tokyo revengers#tokyorev#pg#pretty girl#haitani ran#ran haitani#haitani rindou#rindou haitani#rindou x reader#ran x reader#haitani rindou x reader#haitani ran x reader#rindou x reader x ran#haitani rindou x reader x haitani ran#ran x reader x rindou#haitani ran x reader x haitani rindou#thesmoot#tw dubcon#k sm#k ve#✒ . kai fecit
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