once upon a time there was a boygirl so sleepy

One time my dad's then-girlfriend's best friend wrote one of those stupid "eating clean will cure your chronic intestinal illnesses!" cookbooks (to my knowledge my dad's then-girlfriend's best friend was perfectly healthy), and since the author's best friend's then-boyfriend's progeny has been diagnosed with Crohn's since age nine and celiac since age seventeen, I got a free copy.

Now my mom, years divorced from my dad at this point, had always foisted these cure-all cookbooks on me all throughout my childhood since age nine, and even at that age I knew it was all bullshit and ignored them, and the few times I tried a recipe from them it was godawful, so they went largely ignored.

Fast forward about a decade after receiving the book from the perfectly healthy best friend of my dad's then-girlfriend, I'm going thru the various cookbooks I do have, when I come across the One In Question, which purports to have gluten free recipes. So I figure why not, and idly browse thru it looking for an interesting recipe to try.

And then the first thing in the gluten free section is barley croquettes.

Which underneath in the little spiel, specifically states that barley is gluten free.

(Spoiler: it's not.)

So now I'm in possession of the world's most incompetent cookbook (which says something given all the cure-all diet books my chronically ill ass has been forced to be exposed to all my life), taking up valuable bookshelf space. I don't want to give it away and risk some newbie celiac reading it and getting sick, or worse a health nut know-nothing-know-it-all getting their grubby mitts on it and cooking it for someone with celiac, so I don't know what to do with it. But I am very resourceful, and Christmas was coming up and my broke ass couldn't afford wrapping paper so like. My gift to the world that year was making sure my fellows didn't get poisoned by bullshit

God being alive is just absurd,

like mechanically speaking.

My ability to feel joy significantly depends on the functionality of the microbes in my intestinal tract, and I'm sorry but this is a

bullshit system

and I demand to speak to the Devs

I am doing real badly these days

y’all i am so fucking sick and tired of being sick and tired chronically ill

Maybe I’m just doomed to constantly be tired and in pain and white knuckling everything forever since nothing truly helps.

And they refuse to do research and disclose it for what all’s wrong with me. Especially with ciswomen.

my most annoying autism trait is blurting out stuff that's kinda rude/offensive without thinking about how it could be received first then immediately realizing I sound like a douchebag

I really really really need 2024 to be gentle on my friends.

I just…

Cut everyone a break for once. We’re too young for this bullshit.

"Hey just [American health insurance company] checking in to see if you still can't take [medication that failed] and to try to pressure you into taking [medication that failed] instead of [medication that work extremely well]"

me, a person with a known immune deficiency that makes me very vulnerable to stomach bugs, whenever I get a stomach bug:

“You have a dependence on your prescription medication.”

Not to say anything for people who have had super harmful experiences with drug addiction. This isn’t about that.

However. If your response to someone who can’t function without their life-saving medication is to call them an addict… Idk I think maybe you should reevaluate your life or something.

Like, yes, I have physical withdrawal symptoms when I don’t take my antidepressants. Part of that is because without it, I lose my shit. Like, just naturally. I go insane. Off the rails. I Do Not Like Myself As A Person Or Anyone Else For That Matter. So of course when I regularly take the medication that helps me feel like a Human Person and not like, Idk, a drowning cryptid that’s somehow also on fire, yeah, you know, I might feel the effects of that. Does that mean I need to get off of it? No. Why? Because if my options are to be “addicted” to the medication that keeps me stable, or literally wanting to die, then I’m gonna choose the med.

Of course, this is a fairly mild example because I’m on a lot of fucking medications for my disabilities. Also, some meds stop working after a while because of tolerance levels, which STILL does not mean that the person taking it “needs to get off of meds” for fear of becoming an addict. Those are not the same.

My point here, is that a lot of doctors are now reluctant to prescribe a lot of the medications some of us literally need to function, and it’s because of this culture that can’t seem to distinguish between true addiction** (I.e. non-necessity enjoyment) and medical necessity.

[**There’s a lot more to this part too with healthcare systems and prosecution and shit but tbh I’m running out of steam with this rant sorry].

So anyway yeah. If your response to any person on a prescription medication is to ask them “isn’t the goal to be able to function without it?” OR to straight up call them an addict…

Then you’re an ableist piece of sh*t and I hate you.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

Bro the fact that I have to go through all of these phone calls and convince so many people just to get a diagnosis and therapy is so crazy. Like here do all of the things that you can’t do, which is why you need therapy in the first place, and only then we will give you said therapy. Insane.

I know I keep saying this but I am genuinely loving this whole being so sick all I can do is write thing, I got like 800ish words on this zero draft in like 30 minutes and I would have written more if I didn't have to go to an appointment now

I was feeling super exhausted and constantly in pain ever since I went to the Big City (TM) to look at an apartment and even started to feel depressed again, despite taking my meds and everything. So I ordered some CBD oil, it arrived today. I took some and guess what, I'm feeling better.

I managed to start to clean the room today. It's not clean by any means but it's also no longer a garbage dump. Baby steps. CBD oil could replace at least 3 of my meds and yet my health insurance would rather pay exorbitant prices for those 3 meds instead of just paying for the oil. I don't understand.

Woke up with a pounding headache, body aches, and no will to live

I'd say I'm being so, so brave about it, but I'm not

Right. I need a nap. I’m feeling resentment about friends getting to do Cool Things again. And I’m old enough to know I’d feel less jealous about it with my leaky batteries recharged a bit.

(it’s not their fault I live far away, and have disabilities affecting getting to do Neat Things On My Own at least.)