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naryrising · 3 years

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Hey! I saw that you put in your tags how you volunteer for AO3 and I was wondering if you could tell me what exactly that entails? What is the kind of work they need volunteers for? In the last years I donated some money when I could, even though I'm not using the site much, bc I want to support it as a concept, so I was wondering if there was sth else I could maybe do...

In my particular case, I’m a tag wrangler and a support volunteer (currently the co-chair of the Support committee). I’ve been a tag wrangler for 11 years and support volunteer for almost 7 years. So this answer is gonna get long, since I have a lot to say :)

1. Being a tag wrangler involves dealing with tags as they come in on posted works. Tag wranglers work within specific fandoms, which they choose (usually based on interest/familiarity, but sometimes just based on ‘well someone needs to wrangle this and it might as well be me.’) I’m responsible, in whole or in part, for about 50 fandoms, but many of them are small and not heavily active, so it’s not a huge workload for me. Some fandoms have teams of many wranglers working on them because they’re so large and get so many tags every day (think things like Star Wars, Marvel, Supernatural, etc.) To be a tag wrangler, it helps to be familiar with a variety of fandoms, to be able to understand and follow guidelines for how to wrangle, to be willing to research when you aren’t familiar with a given character or concept within a fandom, and to work independently but also as a team.

2. Being a support volunteer means answering questions from users that come in through the support form, which can be just about anything. People might have questions about how to set up an account, or how to post a work, or how to search for certain things. They might be experiencing a bug in using the site, or want to suggest a new feature. These types of questions we can typically answer ourselves. They might have questions about why a tag is wrangled the way it is, or about understanding the site’s terms of service, or about how to donate or volunteer. Those are types of questions where we might have to work with other committees to get a correct answer. So being a support volunteer requires familiarity with the site and its features (although that’s something we can teach if someone doesn’t know certain aspects well), being able to deal with the public politely and professionally, and being willing to ask questions of the rest of the support team and other committees when necessary to get accurate information.

Maybe those are not for you, though! There are lots of other committees that work together to make AO3 and the OTW operate. For instance:

if you are fluent in English and another language, you might be able to volunteer for our Translation team. They work to translate things like news posts, FAQs, and support and abuse questions/answers that come in languages no one on those teams speaks.

if you enjoy technical writing and proofreading/editing, you might be well-suited to the Docs team. They create all the user-facing documentation on the site such as the FAQs, tutorials, and pop-up help buttons. Being concise and clear and accurate is very important here.

our Policy and Abuse team deals with user reports of issues such as harassment, plagiarism, works not using required warnings or with incorrect fandom or language tags, and other violations of the site’s Terms of Service. They also handle things like the Fannish Next of Kin program.

people with coding expertise could work to improve the Archive by fixing bugs or creating new features. Anyone with the necessary skills can do this without formally volunteering, but there are some caveats, as described here.

our Communications team handles distributing information to the general public, responding to media requests for interviews or information, and so on. If you have seen any of the celebratory type posts (”AO3 reaches X milestone!”) or informational posts about the work of our volunteers (”Interview with a translation team member”), or newsletters updating the public about recent developments in the news or on the archive itself, Comms are responsible for creating those.

our Development and Membership team run the twice-annual fundraising drives, which includes creating the merchandise for donation rewards, sending out said merchandise, maintaining the database of members (people who have donated more than $10 and thus are eligible to vote in elections), and other forms of outreach and fundraising.

if you have accounting expertise, especially with nonprofits, or deal with financial investments and budgeting, you might be qualified for the Finance committee, who manage the donated money to make sure various committees have the funds they need to do their work.

the Open Doors committee works with the owners of at-risk sites to import their works to AO3 for preservation. This can involve coding/technical skills, but also can involve work such as checking the Archive to see if some works have already been posted there, even manually posting works if necessary.

our Volunteers and Recruiting committee manages all the volunteers (over 900 of them currently), which includes things like working with all the other committees to assess their staffing needs, determine when to recruit, manage the applications and acceptances/rejections, make sure new volunteers get access to all the tools they need, and dealing with people going on hiatus or retiring from their roles. They are like our HR team!

the Elections committee manages the annual Board elections, including making sure that everyone who is eligible to vote is informed of the election, handling questions that come in for the candidates to answer, and managing the actual voting process itself.

Fanlore documents fan culture and history! It’s a wiki so anyone can edit it - if you see a page that you could add information to, or want to create a new page to document something you think is missing, you can make an account and do that!

Basically I’d advise thinking about what skills and interests you have that might be applicable to various committees (good at proofreading? graphic design? like dealing with the public?), what kind of time you can devote, and then applying when volunteering positions open in the relevant committee(s) that you’re interested in. Some committees might recruit once a year, others might recruit two or even three times, depending on the size of the committee and the number of new volunteers they need (based on retirements, site growth, current workload, and so on). The recruitment process varies based on committee - there might be a form to fill out, an interview, a request for you to submit your CV, or whatever makes sense for that team. If you apply and aren’t accepted the first time, don’t give up - maybe you would be a better fit for another position, or maybe there were just so many good applicants we couldn’t take them all.

Time commitment can vary depending on the team - for example, something like Elections might have very heavy workload for a short time each year, and lower workload the rest of the year. Jobs like tag wrangling or support tend to have steady work at all times, with increases when something big happens (if the site breaks, we get more support tickets; if a new movie in the series you wrangle comes out, you will get more tags for a while.) Something like Fanlore can be worked on at any time, as you have the spoons available.

Some of the important things AO3 volunteers need, in my experience, are:

a willingness to ask questions when you don’t know something. Fear of looking dumb, or shyness in front of other team members/committees, is something you will have to get over to do well. Nobody will bite.

the ability to work within a team. Getting along with others, following instructions/guidelines/procedures, asking for help when you need it, communicating your concerns or issues clearly and in a responsible, professional fashion rather than letting them fester and build up until there’s a crisis, being able to step away from a discussion if you need to calm down for a minute, rather than escalating into a fight - all very important in this line of work.

patience with understanding that everyone else are also volunteers - we all have other things going on in our lives, and we are generally trying our best but sometimes we might have to deal with other priorities (jobs, family, illness, or whatever). We might be operating in very different time zones, have different backgrounds, cultures, and languages, and so some patience and understanding goes a long way.

the ability to work independently and be self-motivated. You aren’t going to have a boss who will look over your shoulder and check every piece of work you do, or a set schedule that says “you’re fired if you don’t get here by 8:30 each day.” You aren’t going to be motivated by the prospect of a paycheck or promotion or even necessarily recognition of what you do (although some people do say thanks sometimes, which is nice!) So you have to have the ability to sit down regularly and do your work without those kind of external reinforcements. This is, without question, the biggest barrier. People who will do their work reliably, week after week, month after month, are worth their weight in gold.

Recruitment will always be announced in several places, so you can choose which you prefer to keep an eye on: news posts, @ao3org on twitter, ao3org on Tumblr, the OTW volunteering page. The next recruitments will be opening in January.

I advise applying quickly when you see a posting you’re interested in, rather than sitting on your decision for a few days before applying - some committees receive far more applicants than they can possibly accept, and put caps on number of applications to keep it manageable, and often those caps can be met very quickly (within 24 hours, in some cases).

Hope this helps! Please ask again if you have more questions I didn’t answer here :)

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aclosetfan · 3 years

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(ask game) thank you so much for playing the game!! you’re the best (per usual)!!

Helllll yeahhhhh 21 is the DUMBEST STUPIDEST fic I’ve ever made and I lovvveee it 💚💙❤️ it’s the “Vampire Zombie” one i mentioned in the original ask game post 😂😂

So glad someone picked the number!! Background to keep in mind: do yall remember when there was just a shit ton of Vampire fics on FFN?? Idk about ao3, but for newer fandom members this was TOTALLY a trend in the early 2000s on ffn, and I was like why the fuck are all of these here??? And like, why is it constantly a predator-prey relationship between the rrb and ppg??? So I was like wait…okay, but this could be funny and decided to write a story making fun of these super cringey stereotypes.

The story would be a multi fic and I have zero idea how to explain it concisely, so basically below the cut is just me laying it all out for you srsly I’m just bearing my soul to you:

For the girls’ birthday, the Professor tricks out the simulation room they train in to be a VR game room b/c the girls had talked about VR once (and only once), but the Professor thought it was cool and ran with it. The Girls can create a world of their choosing and explore. They admit the idea is pretty cool and eventually start arguing where they should “go” first. Blossom suggests a historical era like the Victorian era/Bubbles suggests something romantic, where she hints at vampires/Buttercup doesn't like any of those ideas, but the vampires reminded her of all of her zombie videogames she plays and she ends up suggesting something like that instead/ To prevent arguing the Professors says he’ll combine all three ideas into one!

[[how does this machine work??? IDK in the spirit of early 2000 fanfics, anything complicated and confusing is only vaguely explained—which has in story effects that drive Blossom INSANE! Idk how it would work technically, but my choices as the writer on what is/is not describe and purposeful grammar mistakes has story implications] [ill explain this more later]]

The Professor loads up the “game,” but something malfunctions. He tells the girls (Buttercup) not to touch anything. She doesn't listen and ends up plugging something into an entirely different device against Blossom & Bubbles protest. The device is that old “time machine” thing the Professor made in one of the OG cartoon (the one where the girls meet the Young Professor). It turns out that whatever she does (again still don't ask me how) fuses the basic concept of the two machines together and creates a device that transports them to a parallel universe that matches the specifications of the “game” they wanted to create.

[[Throughout the story, i want to include little video game gags, like bottomless bags for storage, or random bullets laying around, little things like that. (they've lost their powers/ but BC keeps finding all these random guns/knifes so they're good) I also give the girls the “ability” to read the dialogue I write. So, when I mess up a comma (i.e. Let’s eat Grandma! vs Let’s eat, Grandma!), Blossom will look at the “character” they’re talking to and be like, “WELL, which is IT!?”] [I know it’s stupid, but I think its so fun!]]

So, because of the video game “glitch,” the girls think for the longest time they’re actually IN a video game, but when they “go to sleep” thinking that’ll save the game and they can quit, per Professor’s instruction, they find out they can’t. Cue freak out. After the calm down, Buttercup’s like okay, listen we probably just have to beat the game! Too bad they don’t know what the game’s objective is exactly. They just know they’re dressed in Victorian Era clothes and their “Professor” is the town’s doctor? Their mother died (tragically). It’s all a bit dramatic. They start searching for clues. Eventually, they find out that the Town has a zombie problem (THANKS BUTTERCUP!), and Blossom figures if they can cure that, they beat the game. Unbeknownst to them, they are actually stuck in a stupid vampire love plot there just happens to be zombies. [Like, you can’t have one supernatural creature without another and I wasn’t going to write about werewolves.] No one in town seems to care about the undead problem. Buttercup keeps “leveling up,” Blossom’s on the verge of a breakdown, and then, finally, Bubbles meets Boomer.

Boomer swears up and down Bubbles is his fated mate. Bubbles—who is definitely interested—is like ooo so you’re a vampire, cutie? He’s broody about it. She’s like so do you sparkle in the sun?? (I absolutely love sparkles, she says). He’s like, wut?? She’s like, do you sparkle???? He’s like, uh no, the sun kind of burns my energy tho. She’s like, oh. Okay. I see. You don’t sparkle. Sooo, well, haha, okay you seem like a really really sweet guy with the whole eternal devotion thing, but I don’t think this is really going to work out between us. He’s again like WUT. Boomer gets broken up with because he doesn’t sparkle.

Vampire Butch is flat out scared of Buttercup. Like he fully admits he’s sucked infants dry of their blood; he’s why people should fear the night; he’s not a “good guy”; but BC is a force to be reckoned with. In the Victorian era, I’m guessing they had little to no experience with the modern day “bro” and BC is full on bro. This doesn’t mesh well with Butch’s broody, dark, vampire thing he’s got going on. She’s too vulgar for a Victorian lady, she wears things called “Chacos,” and she has a gun??? Multiple guns. And He. Has. No. Fucking. Idea. What. She. Is. Saying!! No! He will not “dab her up!” No, he “doesn’t lift.” This wasn’t his mysterious, tough (but still a damsel, mind you) mate he met one fateful evening, this was some heathen creature (and this is coming from a vampire), so please, please, please, can he kill her?????

Blossom’s like I don’t like to be touched and I’m a lesbian, and Brick’s like one) I think I respect you more than the old Blossom; two) the zombies just appeared, stop asking; three) you need to now help us find our mates before their eighteenth birthday or we’re all screwed.

Ready to kick ass and fight sexist stereotypes with their new “bros,” the girls set out with their new objective, hoping beyond hope that once they find the missing girls they’ll be able to go home. The girls find out that their parallel alternatives went disappearing a few days ago, so their “return” had been a relief to the whole town. [[Blossom’s like why did no one question our clothing?!?! Why are there zombies?!?!]] ugh and then, I don’t know what happens :( really. I never really ended it. They girls just constantly shit on the boys being broody vampires and kick zombie ass, like idk what else a gal could want out of a story. I feel like they end up finding the other girls. And I think that I was going to bring HIM into the mix, but it’s still just regular HIM. It turns out that HIM likes jumping dimensions to make the Girls life hell in every lifetime and has cursed the three girls living in the vampire dimension. (“I’ve got a life outside of just you, ya know.” HIM huffed, “What are you three doing here?”) It also turns out that out of all the dimensions, our Girls as Superheroes are the best at beating HIM and saving the day, so he’s extra pissy that they’re ruining his carefully crafted “historical romance vampire soap opera.” Blossom loses her shit because the historical inaccuracies are too high to now ignore, Bubbles is pissed because HIM didn’t make good enough vampires, and Buttercup’s like honestly, not a bad game, ngl. Everyone ignores her.

[[They beat HIM, free the other girls, return home, and BC obsesses over their stats sheets. Back in Vampire land, the boys are like wait a second the relationships we are now stuck in suck.] [The zombies are still not explained]]

#21 #is such a good number #my outlines #my writing #outline ask game #ppg fic outline #this is so stupid but come on I miss early 2000 fanfics #also like i said I don't know how i would even write the gaming glitches #but it would be really fun to figure out #maybe i WILL write this one someday just for the fun of it!!#lemme kno what you think #this is my last one tonight but plz keep on asking lol

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diamondcitydarlin · 4 years

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I am just...honestly fascinated by this sudden ‘change of heart’ with Guillermo tho in regards to being a familiar and becoming a vampire, there’s a lot going on there and a lot to unpack, and I’m hoping somewhere in the depths of what is about to be a long, directionless rant I’ll find the clarity I haven’t seemed to quite grasp yet.

ALSO I’M SORRY THIS IS A LOOONG ASS POST BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO PUT IT UNDER A READ MORE AND SUBJECT INNOCENTS TO MY BLOG LOL, BUT I’VE TAGGED ACCORDINGLY

So, I already made a post about ‘Collaboration’ and some of the interesting subtext we get within that episode. Mainly, that this episode is an interesting one for Guillermo because he finally gets what appears to be and should be (at least at first) the opportunity he’s always been waiting for. To this point, across seasons, Guillermo has driven home that his one and only aspiration in life, the reason he tolerates an endless, shitty position, is because he hopes to become a vampire. He’s wanted it since he was a kid. IF HE CAN’T BECOME A VAMPIRE, WHAT HAS THIS ALL BEEN ABOUT??

If it was as simple as just wanting to become a vampire by any means necessary, leaving Nandor for this golden opportunity should have been as easy as taking off an ill-fitting pair of shoes...but it wasn’t that, was it? When Nandor pretended to shuck him off as if it didn’t matter, Guillermo got angry and sad in equal measure and only really brightened again when Nandor came back and promised to do better by him. Not necessarily set down a concrete timeline for the ‘becoming a vampire’ thing though, but Guillermo didn’t seem to care about that all that much anyway. Interesting.

Now we’re able to see a version of things in which Guillermo is being treated better as a familiar, but rather than this development improving his mood he seems all the more aware of the fact now that...maybe he doesn’t even want to be a vampire anymore. Maybe he’s wasting his time here. Maybe he needs to swim towards open waters, so to speak.

Very similar to Nandor, Guillermo, I think, is not really aware or fully accepting of the inner workings of his own mind. He strikes me as a character that does a lot in the way of burying the truths of himself so far down, he even convinces himself that part of who he is doesn’t really exist- even when it does, and drives a lot of his actions. The show plays to this by only ‘showing’ us concretely how much Guillermo wants us to know, with only small hints and nods to other things going on. That fits and rings true to the norm for a mockumentary style of filming/writing, in that the audience has to rely on a lot of subtle cues from the subjects to figure out what’s ‘really going on’ with a character or plot line; the ‘camera’ in a mockumentary style piece is as much of a visceral, present character as anyone else in the cast and is treated accordingly (but then, like 99.99999% of human beings have seen the entirety of The Office and Parks and Rec, so yall know this already)

I think part of the way to figuring this all out is to ask why Guillermo wanted to be a vampire in the first place. His answer to this would probably be something along the lines of ‘because they’re cool’ which, you know, valid. That would be a fitting and satisfying answer if, say, I had given it because there was a time when I was about 4-6 years old that I, too, decided I would grow up to be a vampire. Because it was ‘cool’ and aspiring to anything else seemed boring. Again, valid. For someone who has dedicated pretty much ALL of his adult life to apprenticing into vampirism based on a childhood dream that never died? THAT begs a bit more of an in depth reason, I think, to which for now we can only guess.

I’ll try to make an educated one based on what I believe is going on here, that Guillermo himself is either not aware of or not ready to share with the cameras: I believe his drive to want to become a vampire, given it was based in childhood flights of fancy (and probably some Guillermo-self insert/Armand fanfics, let’s be hONEST) was rooted in a need to feel respected and powerful, at the heart of things. When we first meet Guillermo, and for much of season 1, we see that he’s quiet, subservient, meek, and we learn briefly about how he was bullied in school. I think Guillermo was raised to be this way and use silence/subservience as his only defense mechanism, which may also go a long way to explaining why he’s so reserved. For 10 years, I think it was enough for him to tell himself that everything would be better for him once he became a vampire, he’d have all the things he never had as a human. Respect. Appreciation. Power. Control over his own life.

That said, things have changed quite a bit for Guillermo since season one. While learning that he had Van Helsing blood came as an unpleasant shock, embracing and exploring that side of himself proved that he’s actually kind of a bad ass even without being a vampire. He only ever wielded this power to protect Nandor and others so far, but it is a power nonetheless, this agility and strength that is too great for even VAMPIRES to successfully fight back against. He’s also a smart cookie that knows how to manipulate a situation, something that he’s been using a lot this season too. So, power, then. He has it already. Respect he received from his vampire-hunting group.

But that still leaves appreciation and, dare I say it, maybe even affection/love. I think there’s a part of Guillermo that wants to feel like he’s accepted and cared for, but even when it’s offered (by groups like his vampire hunting clan, or Celeste’s vampire community lol) he seems to shy away from it going too far, like it’s just too much or ill-fitting coming from people he barely knows. Given that he’s a private, introvert type this makes sense.

One thing has remained consistent for Guillermo though, across both seasons and episodes, and that’s his seemingly unwavering concern and affection for Nandor. Even in this last ep when he’s unashamedly shucking off duties that don’t fit his job description and maintaining those professional boundaries like a BOSS, he still snaps to and gets to work the moment Nandor is kidnapped. Laszlo’s gone? Meh, who cares, not his jurisdiction. Nandor’s gone!?? Fuck it, he’s getting the keys. A ‘vampire’ offers him the opportunity of a lifetime to become a vampire quickly and live within an accepting community of likeminded people and Nandor told him ‘go for it’? He’s upset that Nandor didn’t fight harder to keep him.

So now he’s back and Nandor’s making a consistent effort not to abuse Guillermo’s position. This seemed the ideal resolution at the end of ‘Collaboration’, but after a couple of weeks it becomes clear that it wasn’t. For some reason. Guillermo’s no longer satisfied and thinks maybe it’s time to do more with his life.

I’ll try to sum up the points I’ve made so far into a concise version of where I think Guillermo’s at right now, at least subconsciously; mostly all the things he hoped that turning into a vampire would grant him, have already been granted. He’s learned that he’s strong, smart, capable as is, more than he or anyone else had ever given him credit for. I think it makes sense that his burning need to become a vampire has begun to ebb into a quarter-life crisis of questioning who he really is and what he really wants, because the dream he nursed for so long has turned out to be pretty shallow and maybe not even necessary. He realizes there’s more he could be doing than working tirelessly to an end goal that no longer seems so sweet.

But that leaves the ‘affection’ and ‘acceptance’ elements dangling in space, held up by his own affection for Nandor that has yet to be really defined. It’s pretty clear that Guillermo is nursing it hard, but what is the nature of it? Even as his sense of loyal devotion to a cause has started to fade, even as his view of Nandor as this unflappable role model has begun to disappear too bc he’s starting to see Nandor for who he really is (a himbo idiot that he can outwit, outmatch without even trying hard) this raw affection still remains. It’s still important that Nandor fights for him. It’s still important that Nandor is safe and protected.

And, as with the rest of these things I mentioned, I don’t think Guillermo is even really aware of how much he cares about Nandor, how much it drives his actions and thinking, how important that relationship is to him. It’s easier to just sort of...ignore that and pretend it isn’t a factor, that’s Guillermo’s modus operandi when it comes to complicated feelings.

I think back to that line from season 1, wherein Guillermo’s kind of musing wistfully about how different his life might have been if he’d stayed at Panera Bread/in a stable job with pay and benefits, but then handwaves that all away with ‘The heart wants what it wants’. By this point in the show he was already kind of drifting away from the goal of becoming a vampire (whether he realized it or not).

The heart wants what it wants indeed, Guillermo, but maybe it’s not really ‘becoming a vampire’. Maybe it’s something else entirely that keeps you tied to this house, this thankless ‘job’.

At this point, I really cannot say for 100% certain what I think will happen next with Guillermo. This show has proven solid at pulling out unexpected plot twists I wouldn’t have seen coming, but then, I also have been pretty good at predicting where they’re gonna go with things. Like 7/10 lmao. My two theories right now are:

He’ll become a vampire in the series finale- unwillingly, maybe by accident. This one I think is plausible because it’s a bit of a kick in the pants. It’s the outcome he’s wanted for SO LONG but has just realized maybe it’s not all he can do or wants to do. I could see a situation where, idk, maybe Guillermo expresses to Nandor his thoughts lately about moving on from this and, in an act of stupid desperation, Nandor thinks maybe if he changes him that’ll keep him in his life, so he does it while Guillermo’s asleep and then surprises him when he wakes up...only to find out maybe that wasn’t actually what he wanted anymore, but UH OH what’s done is done. This could provide a lot of tension in the next season, I think. But as it’s a bit of a ‘shocking’ twist type route to go, I can’t be certain this is what they’ll do. Kind of a toss up.

Guillermo leaves to pursue something else, which the camera crew will follow and document. This is the ‘sensible’/’safe’ route that most scripted shows would take, I think, in this situation...but again, I’m not certain about this one either because Shadows is known for throwing us for a loop and this seems a liiiittle predictable. It’s also very similar to what JUST happened in episode 8 and, were I writing the show, I’d worry it would come across as redundant. Like, maybe we already did this angle and should explore other options to keep the audience on their toes. Also, as much as they love putting Harvey with new casts of characters for episodic stories, I’m not sure they’d transplant him from the main cast for an extended period of time because he’s part of what makes that dynamic run so well. But then, the synopsis of the finale does say that vampires have to ‘survive without Guillermo’ while preparing for an event, so this may happen in some small, episodic measure again.

Anyway, to wrap this up into a conclusion, I don’t think I’m wrong in predicting that Nandor/Guillermo’s relationship has been set up in such a way as to keep us guessing, sort of a Sam/Diane, will-they-won’t-they type thing that will remain a constant throughout whatever happens next, but will require both characters growing independent of each other in their own respective subplots. At this point, it has always remained consistent that Nandor and Guillermo prioritize each other even when it doesn’t make sense, but I don’t think either of them are ready to realize, accept, and sort through the layers of what they feel for each other. The master/servant dynamic makes that difficult, I’d imagine, so I think inevitably we’ll see the show start to pull them away from that. All I’m saying is, if whatever is going on between them wasn’t VERY complicated it would’ve been resolved as whatever it is a long time ago. Nah, there’s some deep, repressed shit they’re ignoring collectively for whatever reason, and usually that points to something that will, at some point, become romantic. Either way, to understand Guillermo is to keep a close eye on how his dynamic with Nandor grows and changes and I’m, as ever, VERY eager to see how it does.

#guillermo de la cruz #nandor x guillermo #guillermo x nandor #wwdits #what we do in the shadows tv show #long post #meta

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artificialqueens · 3 years

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These People in This Room (Don't Shine Like You) (Diamond Chaney) - Ortega

summary: Lawrence has just been crowned the winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race UK, and Ellie is right beside her. Just like she’s always been.

a/n: omg HIIIIII! here’s my entry to the fic challenge (will it be my only one? who can say). in a shocking turn of events this is not a drabble asdfghjk but would we have expected anything concise from me? this fic was inspired by Shine and Starstruck, both by Years and Years. they are very diamond chaney songs so pls do give them a little listen for full effect! standard procedure, she/her pronouns bc they’re in drag, u know the drill. this has taken me entirely too long to write but pls enjoy some diamond chaney from the night of the crowning! (pls also collectively pretend they had an actual dancefloor to celebrate on and not just a hotel room bc i had already started writing at the point Ellie posted her BTS. fic is just one big serving of pretend anyway xo)

***

It’s somewhere around midnight, the sun has set on Thursday and Friday has crept in, and Lawrence is sitting in a booth with the dancefloor flashing bright colours in front of her, only just daring to believe that this is her actual life.

There is not a single moment that seems real. Even being one of the top four took her essentially since filming stopped to come to terms with. But hearing her name being read out, hearing the other girls cheer for her and being able to do nothing but stare at the screen in disbelief with her hands over her mouth and sob like a baby…that’s not sunk in yet. Maybe it never will. She’s still feeling the after-effects from the way the shock and euphoria had kicked seven shades of shit out of her pulse, the way the serotonin had crashed over her like a wave and the absolute unbridled lack of control she’d had over any of her emotions.

When the cameras had been cut off and they’d been given the all-clear from the producers that they could hug each other, Lawrence had only managed to stand up from the chair, still in floods of tears as Bimini bundled their arms around her, Tayce had jostled them all with the way she’d jumped up and down and yelled in delight, and Ellie had looped her arms around her neck and murmured into her shoulder, words Lawrence couldn’t hear but felt the love from regardless.

It had to be Ellie, really, that crowned her. It was a full-circle moment. She still remembers the night they met for the first time; Dundee in 2016, some time in the early hours of the morning (she’d probably called it ‘bastard o’clock’ or something similar), coming out of the bar and being stopped by a boy in half-drag similar ages with her who spoke rapidly and excitedly and told her that he’d messaged her about starting drag and she’d replied to him. The way realisation had dawned on her and the way she’d been her usual loud and boisterous self to cover up the fact she’d actually been quite bashful about the fact they were meeting for the first time.

There was no alternative, not least because of everything they’ve been through together; the years leading up to this moment and the rollercoaster it’s all been. She’s glad that they’re on a high because they’ve seen each other at their lows (been the cause of each others’ too, sometimes) and pulled through only slightly scathed, but always stronger. The producer had asked Lawrence who she’d wanted and when she, still speechless, had pointed in Ellie’s direction, seeing the tears start to stream down her face had only made Lawrence’s start all over again. They’d hugged- just the two of them this time- and the way Ellie had immediately felt like a safe place in the crazy chaos of reality reminded Lawrence so much of when they had filmed. The way even just hearing Ellie’s voice would stop her feeling homesick, the way she was a living comfort blanket.

She’d never tell that to Ellie, of course, because she’d never hear the end of it if she did.

It’s been a couple of hours and Lawrence is expecting everything to suddenly sink in any minute now. Something will click like the last piece of a puzzle and she’ll finally accept that she’s won, that the whole thing isn’t a giant and premature April fools’ prank. She turns her phone over in her hand, wondering what all this nervous energy is doing to her body chemistry. She’s got messages from her family, her friends, Kiko, the girls she works with back home. Well…some of them. But apart from reading them and frantically replying, Lawrence hasn’t checked anything else; hasn’t opened Twitter or Instagram, where the notifications are piling up like pizza leaflets through a letterbox and are equally as unwanted. If she thinks about them she can feel her stomach twist, wrung out like a wet towel.

Forty thousand likes. The Team Bimini tweet had forty thousand likes. What did her own get? Eight thousand? Lawrence thinks about the sheer scale of forty thousand people, compares it to the population of towns in Scotland. Almost Airdrie. Just under Coatbridge. She imagines a whole town of people, angry and furious and disappointed, and all of them tweeting her to let her know exactly that. She remembers in high school when she thought the whole of Hermitage was against her. She wants to tell baby Lawrence that that was fucking small fry. A thousand kids? Try the sheer scale of Bimini’s fanbase. Her breath is shaky when she tries to breathe in, like her lungs have reduced in size. It reminds her of that time in school camp when they all had to jump from a pier for some unknown-fucking-reason, how freezing the water had been and how her chest felt tight as she gasped for air. Lawrence supposes it was character building in the sense that it prepared her exactly for how anxiety would make her feel later in life.

In for four. Hold for five. Out for six.

“There she is!”

An ever so slightly slurred and wobbly voice breaks Lawrence’s reverie, and when she looks up she sees Ellie approaching her, a little unsteady even in the flats she’s changed into with a glass of prosecco in each hand. It says a lot that even at the top of a helter-skelter of an anxiety spiral, Lawrence’s heart still gives a little swell when she sees her friend. Ellie has always been able to make her feel better. She feels an almost silly sense of relief that she’s here.

Lawrence takes one last little breath in before plastering a small smile to her face. “Awrite? Where’s Mumma Diamond?”

“In her room conked out. Just got back from putting her to bed, she couldn’t hack it. Letting down the family name, that one,” Ellie huffs, sliding into the booth and squashing up right beside Lawrence, even though there’s enough space for two metres distance even if they had still been under strict instructions from the BBC.

“Tayce?” Lawrence asks, gratefully accepting the prosecco glass and hurriedly downing a too-big gulp in an attempt to calm herself down.

“Facetiming A’whora. Of course.”

“Of course. Maybe a bottle and a half of prosecco is gonny be the love potion she never knew she needed.”

“Fuck, we can only hope,” Ellie grins, already laughing through her words. “If we’re gonna be touring with them I don’t wanna have to karate chop through five layers of sexual tension every time I have to walk past them.”

Lawrence chuckles, tired but humoured and unable to not make the so-obvious joke. “You couldny fight sleep.”

“Shut the fuck up, I’ll fight you in a minute!” Ellie nudges her with her shoulder and spills both of their prosecco from the glasses in their hands. The gesture is affectionate and out of place with the impending threat. “Where’s Bims? Thought they were with you.”

Lawrence shrugs. “Went out for a smoke with one of the runners about twenty minutes ago and never returned.”

“Good for them. Always thought there’s something inherently sexy about a winch in a back alley.”

“Well, you would know.”

“Eh, so would you!” Ellie cries, nothing short of incredulously offended. Her expression makes her look even more like a cartoon character than usual, and it’s entirely too endearing.

“Yeah, forgot that popular phrase. It takes two to winch in a back alley,” Lawrence jokes, but her heart isn’t in it. It’s too heavy and her ribcage feels like someone laced her into a corset and pulled it too tight. She’s hoping Ellie is too drunk to notice.

Ellie sips her prosecco with her eyes on her, then scrutinises her as she swallows it. She frowns, her nose wrinkling up as she prods Lawrence with an acrylic-nail finger. “What’s up?”

Fuck.

“The sky,” Lawrence says without conviction, and the raised eyebrow Ellie gives her in return is enough to unlock her. She deflates like a balloon and brings her phone up so Ellie can see it, turning it over in her hands. “Just…as happy as I am, and as much as this is all a dream come true…I keep psyching myself up to open any social media, and I can’t, because this one fucking brain cell of anxiety keeps telling me that everyone out there hates me and hates the fact I’ve won.”

Ellie’s face falls into a frown. She gently pries the phone out of her hands and places it on the table, takes one of Lawrence’s free hands in hers and rubs her thumb over her knuckles. “But all your other brain cells know that’s wrong.”

Lawrence sighs. “So why’s that one louder than all the rest?”

Ellie presses her lips together in a badly-suppressed smile. She’s giggling as she speaks. “Because you’ve only got two brain cells.”

Lawrence splutters a laugh, shoving Ellie with her free hand. The other is still laced together with hers. As the laughter dies down and the momentary serotonin wears off, Lawrence can feel her brow furrowing involuntarily. “Forty thousand people wanted Bimini to win, Ellie. Forty thousand. You know that’s like a whole town? That’s like the population of Coatbridge?”

“ Fuck Coatbridge!” Ellie exclaims, affronted, and her shock and insistence makes Lawrence snort all over again. “Okay, forty thousand people is a town but really, what’s that to the rest of the world? Think how tiny that is in the grand scheme of things, Lawrence! Honestly, give a fuck about what any bastard who wants to send you anything vile thinks of you! You’re so amazing! You won! Fuck everyone else!”

Lawrence wants to feel cheered up. The prosecco Ellie’s drunk is making her all the more animated and lively, giving her words a determination and a passion that her speech so rarely possesses most of the time. Ellie is calm, and she doesn’t get wound up easily. There’s something about the fact she’s growing this animated over getting Lawrence to believe in herself that warms her heart a little.

Then again…

“It’s not just that, though. There’s girls from home that haven’t even said well done. Girls I’ve always supported and couldn’t do enough for, and it’s like…really? You can’t be happy for me when I’ve actually managed to do the one thing I’ve wanted to do for years?”

“Well maybe they have said well done, and you’ve just not seen it because you’ve been hiding,” Ellie gestures matter-of-factly at her phone. It doesn’t convince her.

“They won’t have. You’ll know who I’m talking about, Ellie.”

Ellie sighs a little, clearly conceding that Lawrence is right. Her grip on her hand tightens a little, and when Lawrence looks up at her in response her blue eyes hold a glint of assurance.

“Well, even if they haven’t…fuck ‘em. Onwards and upwards, chick. You’ve got ten new sisters out of this who’re always going to know what it’s like, they’re gonna be here for you no matter what,” Ellie says comfortingly. Lawrence knows why she’s said ten and not eleven, but Ellie affirms this with another squeeze and a slightly shy smile. “And you’ve always got me. You’ve always had me.”

This is true. She’s always had Ellie. Before the show, doing gigs with her and hanging out with her and going to DragCon with her. On the show, always there to reassure her or pull her out of a negative spiral or just lean against her shoulder and squeeze her hand. And after the show. Whatever that might look like. Whatever that might be.

She supposes that neither of them know yet.

“C’mon,” Ellie says decisively, holding out a hand for her as the song changes. It’s some sort of Paolo Nutini dirge, and Lawrence has to laugh at how obviously whoever is in charge of the music has rushed to attempt to find something Scottish. Lawrence can only blink at Ellie’s outstretched hand.

“Oh, fuck off.”

“Come on! ” Ellie laughs. Lawrence doesn’t know if she’s blushing or if it’s just the lights.

But she does know that she can’t leave Ellie hanging when she’s looking at her like that.

So Lawrence lets herself be dragged out to the dancefloor and pulled into a hug as Ellie sways them left to right ever-so-slightly out of time with the song, tipsy and full of affection given the way her arms are locked around Lawrence’s waist. It should feel stranger than it does. In reality, being held by Ellie feels as simple as just existing.

Or perhaps simpler than that, given the fact that Lawrence’s existence feels entirely surreal right now.

“You have to be in drag for half past se-ven,” Ellie sing-songs, bringing one of her arms out from around Lawrence’s waist and tapping her on the nose. Lawrence immediately misses it, so it’s a relief that it’s not gone for long.

“Because I wo-on,” Lawrence imitates back to her, and the way Ellie squeezes her waist in response and affirmation causes a smile and a blush to bloom on her face without her even being to control it. She rests her head against Ellie’s chest so she can’t have the satisfaction (ammunition) of seeing how she makes her feel.

It’s little moments like that that she needs right now. Anchors to keep her down on earth, to let her know that this isn’t just some really prolonged lucid dream and it’s all actually happening because currently reality is so absurdly ridiculous; she’s just won Drag Race and she’s slow-dancing with Ellie to the song that’s blasting through the speakers in the background, a parody of some American high school prom where she’s just been crowned the queen.

Moments like these- where Ellie’s holding her close as if she’s literally trying to protect her from the world- remind her that not everybody is against her. Not everybody hates her. Not everybody is wishing her a slow and painful death because Bimini didn’t win, least of all them. She knows that Ellie was never able to share what team she was on even though she hadn’t had a chance at the crown, but she didn’t have to. Not really. They’ve always been on each others’ team.

Ellie jolts Lawrence out of her daydream with the way her chest is shuddering, and Lawrence momentarily thinks she’s crying again before her soft giggle becomes audible over the music.

“What?” Lawrence tilts her head up, meeting Ellie’s scheming, smirking face.

“Can’t believe RuPaul Charles asked if you wanted to move to London, city of dreams, city of a thousand opportunities…” Ellie begins, Lawrence already laughing as she knows what the conclusion to her sentence will be. “…and you said, ‘yer awrite pal, am fine in Glesga wi the jakes an’ the Blue Lagoon chippy an’ the guy that stands on Buchanan Street and yells at everyone that they’re going to hell!’ ”

Lawrence would normally roll her eyes at Ellie’s impersonation of her accent, but she’s laughing too much at the joke that’s forming in her head to commit to it. “RuPaul asked if I wanted to move to London, and I said…”

The pair of them are almost giggling too much to get the punchline out, Ellie clocking on to how it’s going to end. In sync, the pair of them splutter out a “… NNNNAAW! ”

Giddy and happy, Lawrence rests her cheek against Ellie’s chest again. “London’s got junkies too, anyway.”

“This is gonna sound really selfish, but…don’t actually move to London,” Ellie’s voice murmurs from above her, and there’s something plaintive to it that makes Lawrence refrain from replying with a joke or a barb like she normally would. The way Ellie follows it up cements that fact. “It would probably be so good for you, but like…Glasgow would be lost without you, genuinely. And so would I.”

Lawrence can’t cry again tonight, even if it’s only because she thinks it’s physically impossible, so she just squeezes Ellie tight until she worries about her ability to breathe. “I’m not going anywhere, hen.”

Lawrence doesn’t even really know what they are, her and Ellie. They both still have Grindr and they talk about their hookups and raised hopes and broken hearts with each other like friends. But they’re not really just that. They’re affectionate, and they open up to each other with the same shared unspoken understanding of something Lawrence doesn’t understand. They hug for too long and cuddle up to each other when they’re together, and Lawrence can’t count the amount of times during filming that she’d find strength in the way Ellie would squeeze her hand without a word. They’ve woken up together too many times (why she’d felt the need to remind Ellie of that while the cameras were rolling, she’ll never know) and kissed each other more than that. Every time they say I love you they mean it, but they also mean a little bit more. There’s no butterflies or fast pulses or fluttering hearts- they’re past that stage. Everything is just natural and normal and easy.

She wonders if they’ll ever put a label on what they have. There’s a part of her that doesn’t ever want to.

“If we’re both still single by the time we’re forty,” Lawrence begins, leaning back to look at Ellie through her glazed, half-drunk half-tired eyes. “…we should just say ‘fuck it’ and get married.”

(She doesn’t even know if it’s a joke or not.)

Ellie laughs as if it is and nods as if it isn’t. “Drag wedding. We’d need to upstage Tayce and A’whora, though.”

Lawrence realises something. “I’ll turn forty two years before you.”

There’s a pause as the song starts to fade out, and it makes Ellie’s murmur seem louder than it is. “That’s okay. We don’t need to wait for me.”

The jolt her words give Lawrence’s heart and the way Ellie’s talking as if it’s an actual plan makes her think maybe it wasn’t really ever a joke after all. It’s ridiculous though, and it’s all theoretical, and it’s a totally hypothetical scenario, and they’re both drunk , for Christ’s sake. So Lawrence pulls out of Ellie’s arms and takes her hands in her own, the song that’s started playing more upbeat and the opening chords inciting some sort of hope and optimism in her heart for the future that’s unfolding for the pair of them.

“One more song then bed?” she suggests. Ellie raises her eyebrows as she looks down at her.

“Whose bed?”

“Shut the fuck up, Dirty Diamond,” Lawrence shoots back without missing a beat, and as the first lines of the song fill the room she leans back and begins to spin the pair of them in a circle, both of them laughing as if everything is as simple as just that room, and the music blaring out from the speakers, and the lights flashing above them drenching them in purple and pink.

#rpdr fanfiction #rpdr uk #ellie diamond #lawrence chaney #ellie x lawrence #fic challenge #rare pair #uk2 #canon compliant #fluff #ortega #these people in this room (don’t shine like you)

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knicks-knacks · 3 years

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wait a min who 👀 is Wistoria 👀👀 (i am wondering :)

HGFDSJGJ I love that writing that tag I was like "Krch is gonna ask about them" fdjgkhdfjk that's perfect im going to hug you

So!!! Wist!!! She's my Forsaken OC bc I just really love the deaders and think zombies are cool and think that there is a lot to be done with like... lore bits of the forsaken and you know how much I love my lore bits.

The most concise way I can describe her is she's a Forsaken fashion designer and skin stitcher/bone-engraver who specializes in designing fancy clothes that shows off the exposed or rotting bits of the Forsaken, in an effort to kind of help the people who feel dysphoric about their not-quite-dead bodies and to show people that they can embrace those things they deem "ugly" and make them beautiful, rather than hide them away in shame. However, she wasn't always so willing to embrace it herself.

More on that in the less concise story under the cut lol it got long on accident

(heads up: this characters pronouns are she/they and I use them super interchangeably throughout this. also sorry this took so long to type i got distracted and also wanted to try and cover it the best I could!)

tw for: the typical mentions of bones and missing body parts/rotting flesh typical for forsaken in WoW though nothing too graphic. and also death but her being a zombie that's a given

So, Wistoria herself, before she passed, she was a well-known seamstress in Lordaeron! Born into a noble family (though not high, her parents were only lord/lady), and growing up seeing all the pretty clothes, they pretty quickly learned they wanted to focus themself on that, and their parents supported them in that. After training under a mentor since youth she ended up getting REAL damn good at making clothes - both simple and elaborate. Eventually became the favored tailor to a lot of the nobility. It kind of helped her family climb the political ladder, making dresses and suits for the baroness and the marquis etc. She also loved dressing up herself!

She's a very kind and patient individual, always excited to hear about a client's day or what's going on in their life, though she's quite reserved about herself. They're kind of... quietly charming if that makes sense. Not charming in a way that Flynn Fairwind is, but more in an Anduin-type way? Not the type you'd take for a night out at the bar, more the type you'd have a long personal conversation with over warm tea in a dimly lit coffee shop. Comforting. Fitting sessions are almost like low-key therapy sessions because she feels rather cozy and easy to talk to about troubles - though they're not a therapist lol.

Also a tidbit that I just think is cute - she's taken some training in being a mage! It helps her with her sewing and they are a mage in game so I thought it fit perfect lol

anyways she gets murdered by the scourge and raised again and gets saved by Sylvanas etc etc etc

Due to the way that their corpse rotted, they lost the flesh of their lower jaw, and their chest, leaving her jaw and ribcage exposed.

At first, she was rather horrified by her appearance - as most forsaken are. It scared them to not look like... themself. And even surrounded by other forsaken whose bodies were just as bad off as hers if not worse, she still felt rather uncomfortable with those exposed bones. They typically wore a veil or a poncho to cover themself up as best as they could.

She continued making clothes. Threw themself into the cause to help the newly formed Forsaken. Salvaged cloths from graves to try and make wearable stuff. Helped sew up other forsaken at times, if it was urgent. But mostly helped in making clothes (and sometimes armor) for the people when they needed it.

Then, after the scourge was defeated and they made their new home in Undercity, and things started to shift into a New Normal, they gradually started going back to their roots a bit. Fancier, more dressy clothes. She also frequently ended up making adjustments to clothes she made in the past that old clients managed to salvage - what once fit perfect now didn't, due to lost limbs and lost muscle/fat. And of course, she was happy to restore those old clothes for the client, whatever she could do to help, but those were sometimes a rough job. It kind of brought a bunch of negative thoughts to the forefront when they did them. Their old life was gone and nothing would be the same, their body is no longer the same. Perhaps these clients come to her for alterations on old living clothes because they can't let go of the fact that they're no longer living. That sort of thing. Makes her deeply sad both for the whole of the Forsaken and for herself.

That changes though, as I said.

Soon after they had been saved by Sylvanas, they met Leila - a blood elf. They grew close, then closer, and you could Tell there was a fuck ton of romantic tension there from the start. Over time, Leila kind of helped Wistoria get their confidence back - because if she could love them, they could love themself too. She was still reserved about the way she looked, and still hid it all the time, but then there was a moment that kind of opened her eyes.

So uh, Leila and Wistoria had been out picking flowers that they planned to preserve and use in a dress. While out, Wist managed to slip and fall into a mud puddle and so had to change, but something about That Day she was particularly uncomfortable with her body. They turned away from Leila, and Leila pointed out to them that they didn't have to do that around her - she'd seen it all before anyway. And Wistoria commented how they didn't want to disgust her or anything. Leila frowned at her for a moment and then asks Wistoria to turn to her because she wants to do something. Wist hesitates a moment but from Leila's tone of voice, she knew that it was okay to let her see. Then Leila took some thread, and the flowers they'd just picked together, and - with permission - began tying and weaving them into and through Wistorias ribs. She filled their whole chest cavity meticulously with leaves and flowers and thread. She carefully tied a snapdragon upside down on their sternum. Then, she rummaged for a while through Wistorias fancy clothes, found a jacket, found a skirt, helped Wist get dressed.

Then, when she was finished, she turned Wistoria around and had them look in a mirror. No veil, no cover, just their body and how beautiful it was. Wistoria, of course, ends up crying, because it had just been so LONG since she dressed herself up. She hadn't been able to look at herself naked for longer than a second since she was raised, but now she couldn't stop taking it in, and how pretty it was, and how inspiring.

Leila and her have a long talk, after that, about loving herself and seeing that she didn't need to look like her living self to be beautiful. That her body wasn't this disgusting or uncomfortable thing that she needed to hide or be ashamed of, even with the missing parts.

After this, they still take time to regain their confidence, of course. But with support from Leila (and a lot of my other ocs lol) they get to the point that they love themselves again. They get their bones engraved, and they end up loving it so much that they take it up themself. She dabbles into decorative stitching on skin, something she had shied away from at first. Her clothes start reflecting her comfort, she stops wearing the veil and the cover, wears jackets with no shirt. Until eventually they're designing dresses that are cut specifically to showcase her missing parts. Like a boob window but with no boob, just skeleton!

Eventually, she becomes known for being the best person to come to when trying to get dress clothes that cater to specific missing bits. She makes capes with slits down the middle to expose the spine sticking out. They make one leg on a pantsuit sheer to see the bone. She makes gloves that hook onto the radius and ulna.

She's also a good person to go to if you want some flowers engraved on your bones. :)

Overall she's just. They struggled a lot with being raised but ended up being so proud of the Forsaken and what they've been through, and they end up just being. A real positive force to them bc I've always seen clothes and appearance really important to someone's self-image, at least to me. She wants others to feel as good in their skin, what little they have of it, like she finally does. And it took them a while to get there but they got there and I'm so proud of her 😭🥺🙌

#warcraft #wow ocs #cheezis #uhhhh there was more i wanted to write but I'm taking too long w this lol #also its almost midnight #anyways moral of the story is please give me soft forsaken i need them #sorry if this is? incoherent or confusing #or ends abruptly dfjkghjk IDK MAN!!!#thank u for askin abt my many ocs buddy ily and i appreciate it #🥺💖👌✨🥰🥰😭#also i just realized other than what parts are missing i did NOT describe what they look like at all lmfao #she was tall and skinny even before dying #her hair is a deep dark purple (most of the time) and her skins a light grey-blue color #and she's got light yellow eyes!#i also wanna note that wistoria is 100% the character im recycling into my original world dcddvg #though with a wildly different personality #she's just... so pretty....#its cut into any asymmetrical bob

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therem-harth · 3 years

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For the meme! Norwegian Angelica, Pincushion, Pink, Primrose, Sunflower

Heyo! :)) Thanks for asking, and so many! I like sunflowers! And don't recognize any other flowers here! :D Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

Hmm, it's hard to be concise as I've had a complicated relationship with her to say the least. But I'm sort of trying to reach out intermittently (once in a couple months hah) again so that's something. But my mother is someone very in touch with nature and animals, she grew up in the countryside and is still very much a country girl as she now keeps goats, ducks, chickens, turkeys etc. She has told me that she has no need for antidepressants because she can just go to the forest, for example, which, well, shows both her medicine-hate and nature-love hah. She used to be very hardworking - she almost got a PhD in chemistry like my father but three kids and the house and a business was a bit too much to also write a thesis. Because of this and other things, she's.... currently I'd best describe her as horribly burnt out and depressed and self-depreciative. But she is easy to talk to, she will carry the conversation and she will tell her side eagerly and at least listen to yours - she both is probably lonely and has this need to be always presentable and talk to her family a bit like we're business partners she needs to convince which I used to hate, and she will tell you about how horrible she has it at the drop of the hat. When in a room with others, she will most often stay silent and listen, however, she used to say that she liked to just listen when me and siblings would talk. She has her own, mostly non-explicit ways of showing she cares, and you know, hey I managed to write a p alright summary that wasn't just unprocessed anger, yay for me. Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

Mm, I assume this deals with physical pain. I've been quite lucky thus far and have no chronic pains except the normal millenial achy knees sometimes. Since I already mentioned above that I grew up in a pretty anti-medicine household, I didn't use an ibumetin or paracetamol for anything not mirstamā kaite (dying sickness) until I was like... 19. So I just kinda, uh, waited it out I guess? Which is largely still the mode of action for me nowadays, though now I usually take ibumetin, that's about it. I always thought I deal with pain p well and have a high tolerance and I definitely am quite good at pushing myself through it when needed but really I'd rather I didn't have to feel that toothache while having to focus on the paper or smth. I actually had pretty strong period cramps a week or so ago that I usually don't get and then I just... took one ibumetin, finished off the research paper, took another ibumetin because holy shit, complained to friends, played assassins creed until the pain faded a bit and got back to studying :D Also re: mental pain, well, I've had 2 years of therapy to sort of help with that, and I find the thing that works most reliably to me is the schema therapy caring parent/vulnerable child thing, I just sorta. Listen to the pain and hear it and then console it. Be your own parent 2kforever.

Pink: Where is home?

Here!

It's quite a cozy flat in an... hm, middle class neighborhood, the owner never shows up and we just pay the rent in his debit card, he's chill with us paying it late and when our stove sort of implodes he comes and buys a new one! I also live with sis which is p great, since, as my therapist pointed out, we've been negotiating how to live in each other's spaces literally since birth so we know how to co-exist (I like my space perhaps more than others - I don't particularly enjoy having friends over and I like that we have sort of come to an arrangement of kitchen is talk space and our rooms are less so). I used to think I didn't get attached to places but now with potential talks of moving that didn't end up anywhere I got so afraid of losing this sense of stability, a place to jump from that I didn't have as solid before. It's my gremlin cave and yes there's mold growing in places that we're too lazy/tired to try to deal with, and sometimes we play chicken about who will cave and wash the dishes or take out the trash, but hey, it's my gremlin cave.

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

Hah, I've actually been on and off daydreaming about winning a million euros in lottery (a pal's gotta dream, alright :D). And then the scenario goes a bit like buy a house with a garden that me and sis and poosssibly my friends would live in, get a car and driving license, travel a bit, stop working at my current job and just vibe for a bit before either moving to the deep countryside and being a farmer or working in businesses as an anthropologist for sense of accomplishement. In the 99.99% case I do not win the lottery, however, I think working in a place where I can both excercise my brain and feel smart and appreciated about doing it would be great, I'm lowkey considering working as an anthropologist if I can wrangle a vacancy in some place. I think I'd like to either continue my slow, slow ventures into writing, or, since I've realized I'm pretty fucking amazing at realizing other's mistakes instead of my own and giving constructive criticism :D go into editing work. But who knows. I mostly want to get enough money to have a bit of property and a garden and be able to sometimes travel, and then a nice job is a luxury. Still sometimes thinking of moving just deep deep into the countryside and buying chickens. But I won't really make much money that way alas. Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without? Mm, well the obvious basics of a roof over my head and food in my tummy tum tum, but besides that, I'd probably say my friends. Be weird old people together. Even if I do move or somehow lose my current friends, I still want to make connections with close friends bc well I find them neat. I don't make a great lonely person.

#personal #a thing #sorry for the novel #but i had to decompress after my day it seems #it is sleeb time now #tomorrow is stressful as shit but afterwards it's smooth sailing baybe

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the-black-birb · 4 years

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Rekindle [Futakuchi Kenji]

Pairing: Futakuchi Kenji x Reader

Summary: Futakuchi gets a phone call from an old triend and soon finds himself in over his head.

A/N: Had to write this bc @miyulovestowrite 's smau had me thinking ab the futacoochie 😔✌ I never intended this to be this long but it looks like it's gonna be multiple parts!!

I listend to Katelyn Lapid's "When Somebody Love Me" and Death Bed by Powfu when writing this so that's?? The inspo

[Part 1] / Part 2 / Part 3

Without a doubt, most people that met Futakuchi Kenji would agree he had an awful personality. Whether it was in conversation or on the court, he was particularly skilled at provoking people just enough that they couldn’t quite call him out on it, but they still left with a bad taste in their mouth. His actions were almost always for his own benefit, he was rather selfish, and there was positively sour. This was the general consensus of Futakuchi Kenji, and he worked everyday to live up to his reputation.

Among all the people he’d met, you were the exception.

Even when he was bitter and angry, your soft hands would cup his cheeks and tell him everything was alright. When he was fuming, you’d press yourself to his chest, all love and warmth, and relax into him. Your presence was a lullaby, calming him and helping him. No matter how little he deserved it, you’d stand by his side no matter what. When rumors and voice engulfed him, wondering why you’d ever choose him, you’d be cradling him in your and pressing soft kisses to his hair promising you were the only one for him.

Your unwavering confidence in him was one of the reasons he’d never deleted your number from his contacts after the two of you split ways. It wasn’t really a conscious decision he’d made, but since Futakuchi had never held any ill will to you it had never really occurred to him that it might be strange to keep an ex’s number saved.

His memories of you were almost exclusively positive. Even his low moments and your rough patches were illuminated by the comfort you’d always provided each other. He kept all his photos of you and on the occasion that he found them while browsing his camera roll, he’d always smile fondly (one time, his teammates had seen and thought he was possessed).

Despite the impact you’d left on him, Futakuchi hadn’t spoken to you since the two of you broke up. Although you’d initiated the conversation, the end was entirely mutual (or so he told himself). You were going to college far away and he wanted to keep playing volleyball as well as attending college and you were certain it simply wouldn’t work out. Although it stung a bit, Futakuchi couldn’t bring himself to harbor any anger towards you.

You’d always been like a guardian angel to him, looking out for him and yourself. He couldn’t get mad at you for simply wanting the best for yourself.

While his friends insinuated it was quite possibly the most mature Futakuchi had ever reacted to, well, anything, he’d been more focused on seeing the path forward. If you were going to move on with your life and make yourself better, he couldn’t disappoint you by wallowing over a relationship that was long gone.

And so, despite the immense impact you’d had on him, Futakuchi hadn’t thought about you in years. He’d decided to focus on the now, his volleyball team and his job, before he’d let his thoughts drift back to you.

But he’d never forget you. Every time he got irritated, he’d remember your touch, lingering on his shoulder. Every time he drank chamomile tea, he’d recall you treating him after every game. Each time his friends teased him on his bachelorhood, he’d think about your hand firmly in his. There were traces of you everywhere, even if he’d never admit it.

Yet he thought of all places, his mind would be clear of you in a volleyball stadium. Even when you wore his jersey and visited practices, volleyball was always his before it was yours together. When he continued to college, he was able to clear his mind of everything except the sport when he needed to. Even today, sitting next to his intimidating best friend and watching the old freak duo play each other, he hadn’t a worry in his mind except the outcome of the match.

Until his phone started ringing.

Even worse, it happened while that (“snotty-ass” as Futakuchi called him) setter was up to serve, just as the whole gymnasium quieted down. He was so concerned with the eyes drawn to him; he didn’t even take the time to look at the caller ID before he picked up. Instead, he muttered a quip “what?” to his mystery caller as he briskly left the stadium, finding someplace he could speak in quiet.

“Kenji?” the caller said.

His heart dropped.

“Is that you?” It was a female.

Even four years later, he’d recognize your voice easily. It was just as gentle as he remembered, if not for the specks of tension he could sense. You sounded scared.

Not really sure how to react to his ex, possibly the person he’d come closest to ever being in love with, called him after four years of radio silence he found himself breathing out a shallow “Yeah.” He swallowed his worries. “It’s me.”

Futakuchi was at a loss for words. Should he be excited? Concerned? Angry? No, never angry. He couldn’t be angry with you, no matter how much he tried. Instead, he was silent, waiting for you to speak.

“How’ve you been?” you ask and although your voice is light and you’re doing everything in your power to sound nonchalant, he can hear the nervousness in your voice. Whenever you were anxious, your voice would pitch up and your words would become so slightly forced. It was barely discernable from your normal cheering speaking voice, but he’d spent enough time listening you to know something was amiss.

“What’s wrong, [F/N]?” he only assumed you’d call him if you absolutely had to. You chuckled from the other side of the phone and he could picture your nervous smile, like the first you’d confessed to him (he thought you were joking, it took three more times for him to get the point and two times after that for him to finally ask you out). So clearly he could see the way your cheeks glowed, always giving away how you were feeling.

“Nothing’s wrong,” you assured him, betrayed by your tone. “I just wanted to check in. See how you’re doing.”

“[F/N].”

You grumbled at his stern tone. Of course, he saw through you, but what could you do about it? You at least wanted to attempt to be polite, but all sense of social norm was lost to Futakuchi. Concise and to the point, he hadn’t changed a bit.

“I need a favor,” you admitted. “I’m sorry I can’t ask anyone else I just-”

“I’ll do it.” Futakuchi was just as startled by his response as you were. He wasn’t sure what had taken over him, but in that moment, he was confident enough in his own stability to know whatever it was you needed, he could sacrifice some time for you.

You chuckled from the other side of the line and for a moment, Futakuchi pictured himself in his bedroom with you under him, his hands tickling at your sides as you laughed and protested. It sounded so familiar, yet so far away. “You don’t even know what I’m asking of you,” you reprimanded him.

“So tell me,” Futakuchi resolved, as if it was the easiest answer in the world. He heard your breath hitch before you spoke, nervousness clear. He’d do whatever he could to hear you relaxed and stress-free.

“My brother’s getting married,” you explained. Futakuchi remembered him; he was two years older than the both of you but far less intimidating than you. While he was an awfully sweet dude, Futakuchi had walked all over him in high school (because he let him!). “It’s a month from today and my mom’s pressuring me to bring a date. So, come with me?”

As much as he relished at the idea of seeing you dressed up and at his side, he knew there was more to this. “Why me?” he asked, voice uncharacteristically soft. It had been four years since you’d last spoken, yet you called him up on a Saturday noon for a date like nothing had changed between the two.

He heard you moving over the phone, likely shifting position to sit comfortably and think over your words. He gave you time to figure it out, because he always. Futakuchi’s subtle talent was his patience for those around him who were quieter, like you and Aone. He didn’t come off as someone with that sort of resilience but you knew otherwise.

Finally, you were ready to speak. “You’re the only one I can ask,” your voice choked up and suddenly Futakuchi felt bad for asking. “I just… there’s no one else that knows about my family.”

Oh.

Suddenly, he was sitting in your bedroom, cradling you in his arms. It wasn’t often, but every few weeks when your mother was out of the house and your brother was away at college, you’d breakdown. But Futakuchi had always been there to catch you. Your parents had divorced long before he met you, but he witnessed the scars it left behind. He listened to you on countless sleepless nights, rambling about how it always felt like your fault. He’d even met your father, picking you up from his house one weekend when your mother had work.

Yes, he’d seen first hand the intricacies of your family. He knew what subjects were taboo and who he could joke around with. Most importantly, he’d seen you grow past what your family had taught you to become your own person. He was certain by now you’d have found someone else to share all of this with. After all, any guy or girl would be lucky to have you.

But it appeared you haven’t.

“I know it’s a month away,” your voice was strained. He prayed you weren’t crying, the thought of it making his chest tighten. “But I’m helping my brother prep and I don’t know how my friends would react and…”

“Calm down” Babe. The word was caught in his throat, almost thrown out instinctively. He imagined all he’d do to comfort you, gentle running his fingers through your hair and pressing kisses to the top of your head. How he wished he could hold you like that.

“I can go with you,” Futakuchi promised. “It’ll be okay.” He didn’t know if that was true, but he desperately hope it was.

“Thanks, Kenji,” you sighed out. Relief flooded Futakuchi’s chest as he realized you had finally released all your tension. Your voice was vulnerable, but finally truthful. “We should probably meet beforehand to get our stories straight. Are you free next Saturday?”

Futakuchi gulped hard, a million different emotions mixing in his chest. He wasn’t really sure how he was supposed to feel. It all felt far too casual for a rekindling with his old flame.

There was a part of him that felt like he’d always see you again. He didn’t know why, he simply knew it to be true. You were too important to him to be gone forever. But he’d always imagined it to be a shared glance across a coffee shop, or passing you in the grocery. He’d never in his wildest dreamed pictured you choosing to reach out to him. Yet here you were, fear lacing your voice right beside resolve.

“Saturday is good.” He didn’t know if it was but he was sure he could cancel plans. “Does two in the afternoon work for you?”

Your sigh of relief from the other side of the phone had him sighing alongside you. If you were in this together, it’d be okay.

“Two is perfect. I can text you my address?”

Futakuchi had no idea what he was getting himself into.

“Sure, I’ll pick up lunch on the way.”

But he knew you, and he wouldn’t let go of you a second time.

#futakuchi kenji x reader #futakuchi x reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu futakuchi x reader #haikyuu futakuchi Kenji x reader #haikyuu x you #haikyuu fanfic #haikyuu futakuchi #haikyuu futakuchi kenji #futakuchi #futakuchi kenji

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mbti-notes · 4 years

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Anon writes: “Hey, I’ve read this isfp-estj relationship and your answer last week, and I’d like to share something similar. I’m INFJ and my mother is ESFJ. I’ll try to explain things as objectively as possible. We have a rocky relationship bc we both disagree in how she should treat me. I’m 23yo so I told her she doesn’t need to do things for me anymore (such as cleaning my room, managing my stuff without my consent, telling me what I should do, etc). I clearly told her multiple times I’d like her to not overstep and let me manage my life my own way. She and I are quite different with the way we lead life, I don’t understand hers, but I let her live that way. My issue is that she’s imposing her way to me.

I’ve tried to understand her and reassure her that I’d reach her out if I DO need help for something and that’s when it would be appreciated (I imagine she wants to feel needed/helpful?). Despite all of this, my mother has this deep belief that I’m unworthy of her respect as long I don’t do things the way she wants to cuz I’d be miserable without her. I’ve tried to live up to her expectations, but failed to do so because of exhaustion, so I stopped trying, and she interpreted that as further proof that I’m not good enough in anything.

As time went by, I grew increasingly sensitive to any sign of transgression of my boundaries and would immediately react with full-blown anger whenever she would try to control or criticze me, and often ended up making her cry. Let’s say I’m guilty of being aggressive when I feel someone is disrespecting me, so I understand I’m partly responsible for the rocky communication and need to work on my anger issues. But for the time being, do you have any advice concerning my mother and I? I’d like her to stop being overbearing and so dismissive of my basic needs, I feel like I’ve tried everything. Maybe I’ve overlooked something. I still live with her btw and unable to move out yet due to mental health issues.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------

The points that I made in the previous answer still apply:

1) “If you can’t handle conflict maturely, your relationships are never going to get very far.” You say “I grew increasingly sensitive to any sign of transgression of my boundaries and would immediate react with full-blown anger whenever she would try to control or criticize me, and often ended up making her cry”. Whether you feel “justified” to behave violently toward her is irrelevant, as it’s just your ego drama. The fact is that you don’t have a good handle on your feelings and emotions, so you have been actively escalating the animosity. It takes two to tango, and you have not taken responsibility for your part in perpetuating the conflict. She baits you and you eat it up and spit it back out at her, in a seemingly endless cycle.

Conflict occurs when two people don’t understand each other and try to impose their will on each other (i.e. no empathy, no respect). She wants you to do things her way, and you want her to do things your way. When a relationship deteriorates to this extent, there aren’t many options available. Options: i) end the relationship out of hopelessness, ii) put the relationship on ice until you’re strong/skilled enough to deal with it better at a later date, iii) keep repeating the cycle of violence against each other, or iv) be the bigger person and calmly communicate your way out of the situation. Most people don’t choose option 4, mainly because they are not capable of it and thus don’t see it as an option. I don’t tell people what to choose, as it’s up to you as an adult to make these decisions for yourself.

2) If you choose option 4, then “Part of being an independent person is setting and enforcing boundaries, especially to stop any mistreatment or abuse. If you fail to do this, some people will feel free to walk all over you.” Both you and your mother have serious problems with relationship boundaries, which makes for a toxic relationship dynamic. Have you considered family counseling?

Use this simple analogy to aid your understanding: When a government passes a law that prohibits behavior, how do they ensure that the citizenry abide by it? Generally speaking, a reasonable approach is to: i) educate people about the new law, ii) apply clear and consistent enforcement of the law, and iii) enact fair consequences that serve to deter law breaking.

i) Have you done a good enough job educating your mother about your boundaries? Do you expect that she can break a 23-year-old habit just because you told her to? If you want your loved ones to understand you, then you have to be patient in teaching them about you, until the lessons stick. But this requires that you know yourself well enough to communicate who you are and what you want as well as be the bigger person to teach lessons patiently. To create an empathetic relationship after so many years of bad behavior, at least one person must be capable of enough empathy to shift the underlying dynamic of the relationship. It’s like trying to turn a ship around; you have to stop the unhealthy momentum first, before forging a new and better direction.

Empathy doesn’t mean that you are a sucker who allows people to walk all over you, which is a common misconception. Empathizing means that you feel for everyone involved because they’re all hurting in the conflict, and you try to do what’s best for everyone, as opposed to just manipulating people to get what you want. Empathy means taking the time and effort that is needed to understand the facts about someone, such that you make well-informed and rational relationship decisions. Poor emotional intelligence goes hand-in-hand with poor empathy, because negative unresolved emotions lead you to project and blame rather than have patience to understand. Your mother is a human being, full of flaws and weaknesses, just like any other human being. To have empathy means to understand those flaws and weaknesses, such that you are able to work with and around them. Do you expect that, being the “adult”, she owes you empathy but you don’t owe her anything because you are the “child” to be taken care of? To be independent is to take responsibility for being the kind of person that you hope to be, instead of always playing the role of innocent victim and claiming that others “make” you behave badly.

ii) Have you done a good enough job in enforcing your boundaries in a reasonable manner? When your mother infringes on your boundaries, what’s your reaction? Is your reaction consistent each time it happens? Consistency is very important when teaching a lesson, because the logic behind the lesson must be completely transparent for the other person to learn it properly. In essence: “If you do this, then I will do that, every time, and this is why”. Your mom is ESFJ, so do you understand that auxiliary Si and inferior Ti might make it difficult for her to grasp the logic of your behavior unless you are completely clear and consistent in explaining yourself each time? Do you have the empathy to understand the challenges that come with her type? Or do you expect that, as the “adult”, she should always magically live up to your childish image of a perfect parent?

iii) Have you done a good enough job of implementing reasonable consequences for boundary violations? What has been your method? Violence. When you attack her and make her cry, then what? Is the problem resolved? Are you acting with awareness of the future implications of your behavior on the relationship (mature Ni-Fe), or are you lashing out without any care of the consequences (Se grip)? Does it make you feel powerful or self-satisfied to violently put her in her place (Ti loop)? If so, then how can you be capable of empathy? If you are prone to Ti loop tear-downs and Se grip outbursts under stress, then you have lots of self-work to do to improve your self-awareness about how your own choices escalate and worsen relationship problems.

If someone is stubborn in not wanting to hear you or not wanting to learn the rule that you’re enforcing, then take away their privileges for a time, until they learn to comply. As soon as she violates your boundaries, walk away and provide a clear and concise explanation as to why, and outline the exact conditions that are necessary for you to re-engage with her. Repeat as necessary. Simple. No need for hysterics or violence, is there? If all you ever see is your own disappointment because you set unreasonable expectations of her, then you’re not doing what is necessary to change the unhealthy relationship dynamic, because you’re still stuck in the center of it. In other words, learn to see the bigger picture.

Your mom obviously does not have the capacity to teach people how to draw and enforce proper relationship boundaries, so, in fairness, you had no role model to learn from. If you hope to be an independent person, it is up to you to learn it for yourself, for your own well-being, and for the sake of all your future relationships. In Jungian terms, the parent-child relationship is a crucible. It’s where you learn how to socialize, it’s where you test your mettle, and it’s where you see the truth about how far you have or haven’t come in personal growth. View the relationship as an opportunity to grow and you will learn a lot about yourself. View everything as “all her fault” and you will keep repeating the same old childhood patterns throughout life.

#parent child relationships #infj #infj relationships #relationships #boundaries #emotional intelligence #independence #communication #ti loop #se grip #ask

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order-of-river-phoenix · 4 years

Note

hiii! can I get some angst with doc roe? I haven’t been able to find much and I’m sorta hankering for it. thank you so much and have a wonderful day 💙💚

Different Seasons; Eugene “Doc” Roe

Fandom: HBO War; Band of Brothers

A/N: I’ve been at work most of the day; otherwise, this definitely would have been up hours ago. I tried to make it angsty for you, but I couldn’t help sneaking in a happy ending bc Doc deserves nothing less. I hope you like it!!💕

Warnings: angst 🙃

__________

You had known Eugene as long as you could remember. A childhood friendship that had grown into so much more. By the time he enlisted, everyone was surprised you two hadn't rushed off to get married, but you had both agreed to wait until you could have a proper wedding.

While he was away, you sent him long, detailed letters describing home and how much you missed him. His responses were always more concise and never quite as long, but Eugene had always been a man of few words. Getting even a full paragraph from him was more than you expected.

But as time wore on and war wore on him, Eugene's letters became not only shorter but fewer in number.

You had expected this to some degree. It was understood that he wouldn't have too much spare time to write, but sometimes, his words concerned you.

Y/N,

My days are getting longer. I have never known such deprivation. You could not imagine the cold. These woods seem to insulate the snow and make it colder than anything I’ve ever felt. I've almost forgotten warmth...

The lone note you received from his time in Bastogne stayed on your nightstand for weeks. A nightly prayer went solely out for your young medic out in the Belgian forest. Whispered wishes for him to come back to you safely.

You were still muttering prayers when you stood waiting for him at the train station. You weren't sure of what to expect. His last couple of letters had been more hopeful than resigned, but his other letters still ran around the back of your mind.

Yours was the first face he saw, and happiness was bubbling inside of him. But something seemed wrong. Even with the time in Austria to readjust to life without constant vigilance and action, something wouldn't let him relax.

To your surprise, however, he wrapped his arms around you without a word. It was one of those hugs that was a little too tight but one you'd never dream of escaping.

He was still living with his parents, so you made time as much as you could to visit. His mother was quick to express her concerns.

"He's not the same, Y/N," she told you in hushed tones in the kitchen.

You had to bite your tongue before you sounded disrespectful. "I know that. I never expected him to come back the same."

She just shook her head. "I cut myself cooking dinner the other night, and I've never seen someone run in so fast as Gene. That boy was white as a sheet.”

Her story made your heart ache more for him. He had written very little of what he had done as a medic—he focused on setting and the general picture—but you knew it must have been brutal.

You watched him at dinner. He never truly engaged in conversation, and he always looked a million miles from where everyone else was. He always looked like he didn’t want to be sitting there.

As days went on, you didn't push the idea of furthering your relationship, despite the plans you had made before he left. You wanted him to decide when he was ready.

Days became weeks. Then months. Then a couple years.

He was sitting on the front porch when you walked up. “Y/N.”

You expected him to continue, but when he didn’t, you sat down beside him. “Yes, Gene?” You had learned not to put a hand on him if he couldn’t see it—an incident neither of you spoke of—so you rested it on his knee.

“I don’t want you coming over here all the time.”

You exhaled sharply. “I don’t understand...”

He was looking out across the street, so that he wouldn’t see the hurt in your eyes. “I think you should spend your time elsewhere. We both know that I’m not-“

“Eugene, do not tell me that you’re breaking up with me,” you demanded. “I love you, and I don’t care what you need to sort out. I’m staying.”

“You can’t help me.”

“I never said I would.” You took his hand in yours. “But I’ll be here if you need me. I’m not expecting a white wedding anytime soon, so don’t think I’m trying to rush you into anything.”

“You’re fine with waiting?” This time he looked at you.

You only nodded.

He copied your actions while looking back out at the sky. “How’s next year sound?”

“What?”

“That wedding. What time of year do you prefer?”

Your expression became stern. “Don’t mess with me, Eu-“

“Now, I think autumn would be nice, but if you wanted to do it in the summer, we might want to account for the heat.” He turned back to your astonished face. “What?” A smile was turning the corners of his lips.

“I love autumn.”

“Yeah?” He nodded again. “Autumn it is.”

#mariah writes: band of brothers #band of brothers #eugene roe #doc roe #hbo war

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allbeendonebefore · 4 years

Note

I was kind of under the impression that this is just a widespread thing in Alberta, especially because of the Angus Reid fractured federation survey (I cant include the link here, but you can Google it, its from January 24th 2019). When got back into Hetalia, I imagined the dynamics kinda changed to this, which would be pretty bad tbh. I hope its not that aggressive in Alberta, I will never be able to go check tho, too expensive :( I loved the bad french btw

i see you guys sending these asks super late at night and i wonder whether any of you sleep - idk where you’re writing from and i may be on the west coast but are you guys ok wherever you are? I just woke up but I have my tea and if I’m not caffeinated now I surely will be as I answer this.

I’m sure I’ve seen the survey you’re speaking of before and before I address it in any specific detail I just want to back up and re frame Why I’m Being Like This in regards to recent events and my orientation towards answering these questions in terms of Hetalia the way I do, because I think it’s the heart of how I answer.

the tldr of it is:

1. I have an opportunity to make interpretations of reality in unexpected and challenging ways, therefore widespread opinions don’t govern anything but my stupid gag comics in the simple sense that if everyone was represented by widespread opinion alone all the time, nothing would change and

2. if i can answer dozens of asks about ralph and oliver hanging out there’s absolutely no reason I can’t answer asks about ralph and jean hanging out, lol.

3. If you’d like a shorter, more concise “vision statement”, I have one on @battle-of-alberta here. (although now I notice the links don’t work on mobile so you’ll have to be on desktop for that one)

I’m assuming this will be long so cut time

(and yes, alas, the bad french is my legacy and I’m afraid it has not improved much although i swear i was an A student when i was actually taking it) (and no please don’t visit now, purely for pandemic reasons, it would be really expensive And you’d have a bad time) (and talking to me is free lmao) (I do not mean to say that you need to have feet on the ground to understand a place at all, i mean, at the moment I don’t lol)

headings because I say a lot

what even is hetalia

At the most basic level, Hetalia is a tool that can be used in a variety of ways. It can be for memorization, current politics at a glance or historical relationships in different settings. I use it for all of these things, of course, I certainly use it a lot in comics that take place in the much more distant past in @athensandspartaadventures. When I was writing that, I was in undergrad and AaSA was a tool to help me pass my exams, I didn’t think of how it might be read or interpreted by people who have lived in or experienced those places these days, or what kind of political and cultural tensions it might reveal. (Not to say that it has gotten me into sticky situations, exactly, but I am more aware of where things like that would arise now).

These days I look back on a lot of my experiences - both in IAMP/Hetalia and just as a person, and I think that if Hetalia is a tool it should be used with some awareness of intention and responsibility. Things in the fandom have changed as it became more mainstream and more well known and I think there’s a definite worry about screwing up or not representing Everything or not pleasing Everybody or not doing it Right. I have a simple, insufferably academic principle.

(That said, yes, you can still do it very wrong if you write a methodology.)

Still, it’s a comfort to me that I’m just doing the things the way I say I’m going to do them, and that is the underpinning of Inspired But Not Constrained By Hetalia. I don’t do things Himaruya’s way, I can’t do things the way IAMP would do them if it were running today because it’s not and things have changed, all I can do is do them how I would do them.

I have hurt people in the past because they sometimes couldn’t tell whether I was writing From an Albertan Perspective or not, and I’ve evoked some preeetty spicy comments over the last decade, and I realized that tone and perspective are something that really shapes how people understand and interact with my work and I’m trying to use that understanding in a conscientious way)

what even is alberta

So when you’re me and you’ve grown up in a province that is the Angriest in the country and the most Misunderstood in the country and the most Entitled in the country and nobody outside of maybe Saskatchewan has a good thing to say about you half the time and maybe you’re tired of that... you get kind of depressed thinking about how every year some kiddo comes on the internet ready to be excited about making or celebrating characters that represent themselves and No Matter Where They Go running into everyone else’s negative impressions first and foremost.

We joke about how everyone hates Toronto, though I’ve always understood it in a teasing way because I’ve never ACTUALLY met someone (outside of our current legislative assembly) who REALLY hates Toronto, but it does feel like I’ve encountered (directly or indirectly) people who do Genuinely hate Alberta and hoo boy is That a strange feeling. I mean, there’s an understanding that BC also ‘hates’ Alberta but half the people in BC are originally from Alberta so it’s a, uh, different feeling.

The story of Alberta from everywhere else is always the story of that Angus Reid article and the memes and comments and listicles that spin out around mainstream media. Alberta is giving too much. Alberta is getting too little. Alberta is too stupid to understand that equalization payments are a good thing actually, and Alberta is too dumb to understand you don’t really need EI if you make enough money in six months to own a house and multiple vehicles Just Because you own a house and multiple vehicles. Alberta is destroying the environment for everybody. Alberta has a huge concentration of white supremacists. Alberta is the Texas of Canada* and has the conservative streak and bible belt to match. Alberta should get annexed by the US. Oh, but Banff! We like Banff, though.

And like I said, politicians use these widespread feelings to stir up the sentiments of people who can’t afford to travel, people who are naturally suspicious of mainstream news, people who have barely even left their hometowns let alone the province and have no other means of validating what they hear, but people who’s emotions are genuinely tied to real feelings of alienation that really exist and HAVE existed for generations. And when the so-called “laurentian elites” in ontario and quebec make fun of them for being uneducated red necks, well, you hit a wasps nest and expected what, exactly?

what even am i doing

And like I’m faced with this question every day I decide to pick up my stylus and badger you all with unsolicited comics: do I want this to continue? Do I want to wear the mask that fits? Do I want to stand aside and say #notallalbertans #notlikeotheralbertans and stand over here on the island** patting myself on the back for not? being? there? Do I say yes, you’re right, and stand aside and watch loud mouth white supremacists co-opt wexiters and let them lead the perception of the province I grew up in just because that is what’s currently happening? Do I acknowledge the widespread sentiment and then pick apart every other province to say Well Actually You’re Equally Problematic Hypocrites, So There?

Obviously I’ve been saying no for a while. I’m perfectly happy to acknowledge the reality and when I draw stupid gag comics like this or this you can tell (hopefully) from my style that it’s tongue and cheek. When I draw less stupid not-gag comics like this or this I am trying to explore the Real Sentiments in a way that doesn’t completely polarize the issue and spin it out of control. I’m more of the opinion that even though Current Sentiments do get in the way that as personifications they 1. have some perspective and as people they 2. have some interest in not throwing out a friendship that was a struggle to build up every time the polls change or some new radical party seizes power. I do a lot of research and I want that to be reflected in my understanding of each characters deep seated beliefs and motivations, but I don’t want to let either the history or the current realities dictate the future if I am going to try to do that myself.

why even am i doing it for

So like really the heart of the matter is: I am writing what I write for my thirteen year old self. She was the me who moved back to Canada from the United States, who’s first introduction to living there was a hellish surge of nationalism after September 11th. Who’s defense against that was to hide behind a shield of Canada is Better, Actually and who returned to Alberta during the boom years to realize that, oh wait, the rest of the country thinks we’re assholes just like they think the United States is. Who spent her teenage years learning that, boom or bust, the widespread sentiment in and out of the province is just as narrow, shortsighted, self interested, and stubborn as her own fiction of What Canada Was Supposed to be Like. Who learned that propping up that image at the expense of her friendships was not worth it, that propping up that image at the expense of people who are suffering and dying under that image is not worth it. Who found herself rehashing the same sort of gut reaction defensiveness online because the Guilt and Apologizing on behalf of her province compared to others felt Really Heavy for a kid who didn’t have any clue what to do about it and was just there to have fun and learn some stuff.

So I’m writing for anyone else who finds themselves exhausted and saddened by coming online and seeing that the only way that people can imagine Alberta is as an antagonist. I’d like to challenge everyone to start to imagine it better. It’s my little “escape” from reality, and for me it’s much easier to talk to people here where the stakes aren’t as high and the grievances a little less personal.

I’m also writing (in a more secondary way) for everyone who’s ever looked at alberta from afar and wondered What is going On inside your Head and is it always This

(no comment at this time)

as always, I’m here to explain At The Very Least what goes on in My head because at the end of the day, that’s all I can do. And though there are some things that make me angry and emotional, I’m happy to explain why. Happy to answer asks or chat on discord or whatever, any time I have the time. :)

footnotes

*This is just a footnote to say something I didn’t want to interrupt the flow of my comments, but this is an annoyance that me and my Texas Tomodachi share lol

**You’ll notice angry Albertans online have a favourite tactic, and that’s pointing out hypocrisy. They can justify A N y T h I n G by calling another province a hypocrite “so there” (i.e. BC can’t claim to be environmentally conscious because of Victoria’s sewage problem or Site C) - and while I am interested in shattering the image of Alberta vs. the Perfect Rest of Canada a little bit, I feel like it’s a very lazy argument that is used to deflect and not to help. I think it is more useful to unpack the sentiment of Why Alberta Still Feels Taken Advantage of rather than mudslinging, and when the mud starts flying no one seems interested in addressing problems anymore.

#hapo rambles #hapo replies #hapo rants #yeah y yeah alberta #projectcanada #iammatthewian #pc: alberta #iamp: alberta #Anonymous #will i actually directly address the survey #maybe later but i have other stuff to do #you can remind me

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powermetalhag · 4 years

Text

Digging Deeper

@alienfuckeronmain tagged me in this massive tag meme (Thank you!! I love doing these things). If I tag you, feel free to ignore this if you don’t feel up to doing it/reading it. If you aren’t tagged and want to be, feel free to just say I tagged you ❤

I tag: @flowerkitten @meemimajima @darlingdear @wizards1977 @violet-tea @lickthatbattery @lusamine @misfit-on-a-journey @lampshroomomg @cyrsed @wooden-duck @wildbayou @curse-you @ghostly-rowlf @icedchailatte @oni-lover

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? black

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? City

3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? I’d love to be able to sing and metal-scream really well. I’m trying to learn but I practice pretty inconsistently and it’s an uphill battle bc I don’t have much natural aptitude for it. Also it would be really cool to be a contortionist.

4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? I don’t drink coffee. Sometimes I sweeten tea, sometimes I don’t.

5. What was your favourite book as a child? I didn’t like reading books much as a child. When it came to reading novels, my reading comprehension was pretty below average (I think I posted about this ages ago, but when I tried to read Harry potter when I was 7 I couldn’t follow it at all. I somehow thought that Harry and Hagrid were the same character and that Hagrid was just the name for Harry’s Wizard self. My concentration just wasn’t there). I read a lot of manga though. I think my favourites were fushigi yuugi, saint tail, and miracle girls.

6. Do you prefer baths or showers? showers.

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would it be? Hobbit

8. Paper or electronic books? I prefer paper books, but I mostly use electronic ones.

9. What is your favourite item of clothing? my cloud-print long sleeved mesh shirt

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it? I used to want to change it, I don’t anymore.

11. Who is a mentor to you? I don’t think I have one

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for? I like the idea of creative projects of mine becoming a little bit known, but I’d never want to be famous.

13. Are you a restless sleeper? Not really

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? I’m probably less romantic than the average person, but in the right situation I can be.

15. Which element best represents you? I associate myself with fire (bc I'm a leo) but in some ways water or air might better represent me. Idk.

16. Who do you want to be closer to? Honestly? Pretty much all of my friends. My life is complicated and the severity of my ocd makes me keep everyone at a distance more than I’d like to.

17. Do you miss someone at the moment? Everyone who I haven’t seen since quarantine started.

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. As young kids my sister and I hated Tracey Sketchit from pokemon so passionately that we would draw his face on the bottom of our feet before going to jump on the trampoline so that we could feel like we were jumping on him

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? When we were little my sister and I would sometimes eat raw dried spaghetti dipped in vegemite when there was no other easy snacks in the house. We called them cardboard sticks. (The food situation in my house wasn’t dire or anything, we were just too lazy to make a sandwich or something lol)

20. What are you most thankful for? I am thankful for the people I have in my life and for the amount of stability i’ve been able to have in my life in recent times.

21. Do you like spicy food? I do, but if I eat it often enough to increase my tolerance to it I get bad reflux. So I remain a spice wimp who can only have mild.

22. Have you ever met someone famous? Zakk Wylde, Chris Lilley, and some guy who was on Blue Heelers. Also I spoke to Tracy Grimshaw on the phone once. Meeting Zakk Wylde was funny because I was REALLY weird and embarrassing.

(Long story ahead, feel free to skip) Basically, my friend and I were 16 and wandering through the city high on acid. We saw Zakk standing near Hungry Jacks and became completely captivated by him. We had no idea he was some big famous rockstar, we thought he was just some random guy. I cannot convey to you how intense his presence felt at that time. It was like he was everything that is and ever will be metal but congealed into a human being and magnified by 2000x. (in case you don’t know him, he looks like this)

We were so high that we were very in our own world and felt like we were the only ones who really existed and that everything else was just kinda there for us to observe. So we started following him and discussing him as if he couldn’t hear every word we were saying.

I remember us being like “He’s the most metal thing i’ve seen in my life” “He’s like Neptune, king of the sea, but a brutal version” “He’s the raw original concept that all other metalheads were disseminated from. He’s the true, the original.” It made sense at the time that he could be the origin point of metal and the first ever metalhead because time and space felt like it existed in a looser way than usual. We were really fixated on the idea that metal was invented through his very existence as a direct expression of self, then people copied him, then people copied those people and so on. The further they got from the source (Zakk) the more diluted the essence became. That’s why being around normal metalheads wasn’t as viscerally overwhelming as being in the presence of the raw undiluted concept. We concluded that no metalheads were actually expressing themselves through their subcultural identity. Unknowingly, they’re just expressing him. And we were saying all of this while walking maybe a metre and a half behind him while he ignored us.

Eventually some of the people he was with noticed we were following him and started talking to us (they may have been members of Black label society or they may have just been friends of his, idk). They were friendly and said that they used to do acid when they were younger too and invited us to get drunk with them. We said yes and walked with them for a little. I don’t think Zakk said a word to us the entire time. He probably found us annoying. But we kept staring at Zakk and getting overwhelmed by how intense it was just to be in his presence. Then me and my friend abruptly turned and left without saying anything because being around Zakk was getting to be too much. It was like a sensory overload. As we walked away we barely heard them yelling back to us “something something something ZAKK WYLDE!”. I was familiar with the name but I’d never known how he looked. I googled him a few days later and learned that it was indeed Zakk Wylde who we met and that he’d been in Brisbane with black label society.

And that’s the story of how I passed up the once in a lifetime opportunity to get drunk with Zakk Wylde because his vibes were off the charts.

23. Do you do you keep a diary or journal? No. Kinda wish I could, but the habit doesn’t stick.

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or a pencil? Pencil

25. What is your star sign? Leo sun (Virgo cusp), Scorpio moon, Sagittarius rising.

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? Crunchy

27. What would you want your legacy to be? I’d like to have a positive effect on the people in my life and leave art behind that people might enjoy or relate to (I use the word art loosely, I mean any kind of creative project). I think I've become more aware recently of how important that is to me, which is why I've been so uncharacteristically dedicated to finishing my comic.

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? I like reading books but I don’t always have the attention span for it. I tend to read more non-fiction than fiction. The last book I read was Nothing Feels Good: Punk Rock, Teenagers, and Emo. A really great book if you want to learn about emo history. The only downside is that it was published in 2003, before emo really took off in the mainstream. Had some insightful things to say regardless.

29. How do you show someone you love them? Idk I can’t think of a concise answer for this. I think it varies depending on who it is and what our dynamic is. When I took that love language test it said my love language was quality time.

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? I don’t like it in water. It’s fine in most other drinks.

31. What are you afraid of? I don’t think I can answer this without oversharing or getting too bleak

32. What is your favourite scent? I like tropical scents like mango and coconut

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? By their name

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? I’d buy a house with my sister and I wouldn’t have a job but I'd volunteer and do freelance creative work. I’d donate a lot more and help people out more. I’d learn lots of new skills and make lots of art. I would have an amazing wardrobe too.

A kinda sillier dream is that I'd start a cheerleading team where our routines are exclusively to metal songs. As well as entering competitions, we would also be an opening act for bands (in this dream i’m much better at cheerleading than I currently am). It would be cool ok

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean.? Ocean. I miss going to the beach so much

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? See if someone dropped it. Then idk, would depend on my financial situation at the time.

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? Yes

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? I’m not going to have children. I’d like to be a good influence in my friend’s children’s lives though.

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? Probably some old-school gradient style neopets art (maybe an aisha) or 90s tamagotchi art or a cool wizard. I’d get it on my thigh. I’m very unlikely to ever get a tattoo though

40. What can you hear now? The hum of my computer. It’s old and loud and on its way out

41. Where do you feel the safest? In my bed at home with my cat Luna or hanging out w my sister

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? Once coronavirus is less of an issue (which may be in the near future where I live), I’d like to try and push myself to start dating again. I haven’t done that in a long while. The limitations that ocd causes me makes it hard for me to imagine a relationship-- even a casual one--being workable. But I ought to at least try before I decide that. Sometimes things turn out to be easier than I think they’ll be 🤷‍♀️.

43. If you could travel back to any era, what would it be? This is so hard!!

If this is purely for enjoyment and not to change the past, i’d probably just want to see all my favourite bands live while they were in their prime and like, cry the whole way through because I am so moved.

44. What is your most used emoji? :) or :/

45. Describe yourself using one word. I’m really bad at questions like this

46. What do you regret the most? Eh, that’s a bit personal. I feel like i’ve overshared enough in this thing.

47. Last movie you saw? Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days

48. Last tv show you watched? Degrassi the next generation

49. Invent a word and it’s meaning. Idk

If you’ve read this far ty!! Here’s a little sheep for your trouble

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vince-thrilligan · 4 years

Photo

Giancarlo Esposito On Gus Fring’s Enduring Fascinations

“I think what inspired me was reading the stage direction for Gustavo Fring,” Giancarlo Esposito recalls of the duplicitous New Mexico restaurant entrepreneur. “Vince (Gilligan) wrote ‘Hiding in plain sight.’” That concise description was the doorway for Esposito into one of the most fascinating characters in television history.

Awards Focus: How did you get involved with Breaking Bad?

Giancarlo Esposito: My entry into Breaking Bad came about in a different kind of manner. I know there were a lot of actors fighting for the part. When I entered the show, I had just planned on doing a guest spot, which wasn’t something I wanted to do forever. However, I quickly realized that the filmmakers were just stellar, they make movies every week and tell incredible stories. So I was blessed to be a part of Breaking Bad and I’m blessed to be a part of Better Call Saul, and I love continuing to add to the nuance of my character.

AF: When you were offered the role, did you have any idea of the cognitive depth of the character?

Esposito: Well, the first time around, I really enjoyed doing my guest spot. And by the time I got back to New York they were asking me to do another. I said okay, because I’d had a great experience and that was the end of Breaking Bad’s second season. I’d done two episodes and they wanted to offer me a contract. I said that I really loved my experience, but I’d love to be able to talk to Vince Gilligan about some ideas I had for the role and what it really could be. I loved the character, and I saw something special there.

I was interested in connecting with Vince before they started writing for season three. When we eventually spoke, I knew we had the same vision for the character. I think what inspired me is when Vince wrote the stage direction for Gustavo Fring that said, “Hiding in plain sight.” That intrigued me about people in Middle America, or wherever they may be, who have neighbors who think they do one thing and may not be aware that they’re also doing something illicit… that idea fascinated me. The whole writing of Gustavo Fring, from running the drug ring to being part of the Children’s Hospital, it all made so much sense to me. When that all came about, I knew I was hooked.

AF: What challenges did that complexity pose during Breaking Bad?

Esposito: In creating Gus I had some trepidation, because I didn’t want Gus to be a Breaking Bad villain who had a minimal impact on the trajectory of the series. I wanted him to be someone who could guide a story or be involved with Walter White’s arc. I didn’t want to play the typical gangster thug with the poodle on his lap. I wanted to play someone who exhibited some humanity, who cared about people, and to create that feeling as opposed to going with the straw-man bad guy.

AF: Has Better Call Saul changed your approach to the character?

Esposito: When everything lined up for my return, I had to ask for the same kind of conversation with Vince. The challenge for me is to play a guy who’s younger, who’s trying to build an empire. Because we understood Gus’s backstory and motivations from Breaking Bad. Nothing new is revealed there, so I just wanted to show Gus developing, and that’s a challenge thing to play. Those are the things I think about while I’m playing the guy who’s laying out the card game, the guy who is really setting the pieces on the chessboard. I try to layer that personality.

I’ll give an example. At one point in season five, Gus is outside his restaurant as it burns down by his own hand. Not long after, Mike pulls up as Gus gets some bad news and he’s pissed off. A couple of months later, I’m in ADR (rerecording dialogue in post production) and I looked at my performance and noticed I was a little agitated. For a moment, I worried it wasn’t the right choice, but then I realized that I’m not playing the Gustavo Fring of Breaking Bad, I’m playing a different character.

This is the Gus Fring of Better Call Saul, who’s younger, who’s gonna be a little more pissed when his plans go awry, and who’s gonna show it. When you’re playing with time and going back in time for an iconic character that I played in Breaking Bad, I get to think about all those things that keep me balanced.

AF: Over the last three seasons, you, Peter, and Vince have been able to explore the intricacies of Gus and his empire, as well as revealing more depth in his relationship with the cartel and Mike. How has the relationship between Gus and Mike evolved over both series?

Esposito: I love those scenes with Mike. Jonathan just embodies the very soulful personality of an everyman, but he’s still an unusually skilled actor. The reason I love working with Jonathan is because while I know the overall feeling of what he’ll give me, I never know the depth he’ll take it to. Mike is a complicated guy, and I think he’s pissed off that Gus understands him. He’s very suspicious, and Gus always has to have something on you, so that complicates things, in addition to the disagreement over Nacho’s role. But Gus respects Mike, because he’s skilled. So I think it was a very tough spot for Gus – he wants to listen to Mike, but he needs Nacho on the inside.

AF: A lot of fans ended up rooting for Gus. Was that something you foresaw?

Giancarlo Esposito: It was in season four of Breaking Bad when people started to really like Gus and root for him a bit. And, you know, there are arguments that he’s not such a bad guy. It was triumphant for me as an actor and as a character because if people could see the vulnerability behind the steely coldness, and understand the reasons why Gus did what he did, you can kind of accept the guy.

AF: In Better Call Saul, when Gus has to give up money at the drop locations and he’s waiting for the call in his office, that poor fry cook is not cleaning the deep fryer to his satisfaction. What’s Gus thinking at that moment?

Esposito: I love that scene because Gus is obviously up against it. He doesn’t want to give himself away by intervening with the money drop, so he’s allowing his cash to be stolen, which incenses him. So he’s waiting for the call at the restaurant, and there is this young, earnest employee. This is a part of Gus that I love, he wants to teach and he wants to get things done the right way. He gives his attention to something that may seem very small in his world at that moment, but how you do the small things, is how you do anything, and it’s how you do everything. It’s how you do the small things that make a difference in life – in caring, in loving, and in paying attention.

Gus looks at the fryer and sees it’s not as clean as it could be, and the kid sees it too. Gus wants to make it a teachable moment, and to me, if someone takes the time to teach you something, that means they care about you and the environment you share. You take the time because you respect them. And Gus, I think, admires the inquisitiveness and the honorability of people, because you know when you’ve done a good job and when you haven’t. It’s fundamentally compassionate, because it’ll help them be a better person and they’ll never forget it.

Part of AwardsFocus.com’s BCS interviews [x]

#giancarlo esposito #bcs season 5 #awardsfocus #gus fring

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capfalcon · 4 years

Text

@the anon who said i was concise and clear and they respected/were envious of that, i can’t stop thinking about what you said.

because (and this is not your fault, absolutely not) you made it sound like it was something i’m naturally good at.

i’m not.

i do so much to learn. i basically focus my entire being around writing and words. really.

i have a folder in my drive called “words to pine trees.” in it, there are over 43 documents. each of them is around 20-50 pages long. you can pick any one, at random, scroll to a page, and you will find poems. i started writing poetry 4 years ago. four.

in that time, i’ve written thousands. lets say there’s 100 poems per doc. (there’s not, some have more, some have less.) that’s 4300 poems. in 4 years. that’s 1000 poems per year. that’s over 2 poems a day. i write prolifically.

i read so much. for every movie i watch, i write paragraphs about it. for every movie i watch, i look up the actors and their political beliefs and their personal lives. i look up whether i should support them morally or not. (i have a lot of free time.)

and the truth is, i don’t speak that often irl. but when i do, i am loud about it. i am passionate about it, and i am loud about it, because i know my shit.

you know the phrase “knowledge is power”? it is.

someone can be smarter than you, and you can still win. someone can be better than you, and you can still win. because if you know your shit, no one can argue. no one can even fucking compete.

(i’m putting a read more bc this is dumb and not rlly relevant to that many people, once again, mutuals, i’m sorry.)

i like to argue. i have 4 first place debate team medals to prove that. i have a perfect gold medal, speech 1000/1000 score in my entire county to prove that i like talking.

because, and please, please, hear this, if nothing else. if you can speak well, you’ve got it fucking made.

i know that the entire internet, and more specifically, tumblr, is filled with antisocial people who can’t speak to other people. but listen to this. people are just as fucked up as you are. and if you can convince them you know what you’re saying, they’ll do whatever you want.

science, math, art, anything, you need to be able to communicate.

language is one of the key features that make humans a “superior” species in the scientific community. (i argue with the definition of superior, but once again, that’s to do with language.)

we, as humans, specifically have 2 associated brain areas to language and language only, Broca’s area and Wernicke’s area.

i wasn’t born like this. i wasn’t born a debate champion, i wasn’t born a public speaker. communication and language isn’t the ability to know what fancy words mean, or to write poetry.

the sole purpose of language is to be able to express what you mean in the clearest way possible.

i can say “the top light at traffic intersections is the reflection of a specific wavelength,” or i can say “the top of a traffic light is red.”

anyway, my point is, don’t be jealous or envious, or admire me. don’t. please. my major is in communication. i like learning how to speak to people. i like learning how to talk. obviously. i am a writer. i’ve known this since i was 4. i can do art, i can do video editing, i can build shit, i can do math, i can do science, i can do history. but i am a writer.

that’s who i am. if you asked me to identify my skill set, that would be what i say. and maybe you don’t want to dedicate your life to writing. maybe you do. i don’t know. but in either case, please, don’t be jealous/admire me/etc. because i guarantee you, if you write as much as i do, if you read as much as i do, you will be better than me.

this isn’t an ingrained skill. this is knowledge. this is practice.

please, never let someone tell you that writing/language is an inherent skill.

no. no it is not.

i got to be like this because i work at it. if i didn’t, i promise you, i would be shit.

#im sorry #this has just been bothering me for a while #please please please never ever #feel embarrassed or ashamed or anything #for your verbal skills #and please never compare them to mine #this is what i do every single day #i write every single day #i have for YEARS #literal years #so please don't #compare bc that's not fair to urself #jordan rambles #sorry!!! mutuals

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aplpaca · 6 years

Note

1, 19, 20

thanks for asking! (this ended up being hella long so thats why its kinda late)

1: Did you discover that you are autistic early or later in life? How do you think it affected you?i had an “unofficial” diagnosis when i was like 4 (unofficial bc i was “on the spectrum but didnt meet all the criteria for an official diagnosis” aka i could talk and wasnt a boy) but because it was unofficial there wasnt really anything that could be done with it, so it wasnt considered significant and i didnt think much of it.

i didnt actually “figure it out” till towards the end of high school, and what really made me consider it was how much i related to posts by autistic people talking about traits and experiences. and it was super “freeing” i guess cause it was like realizing that id been viewing myself wrong for most of my life? that my difficulties werent because i hadnt “nurtured” them the right way and my interests and talents werent some warped form of compensation. like a mental shift from “im a defective version of other people” to “im a perfectly decent version of myself”.

kinda like if youd been taking care of a “weird bush”, getting confused that it was different from the other ones, and then realized the bush was actually a cactus. but now that you know, you can figure out how to grow a healthy cactus instead of overwatering it in the hopes it will look like a bush

19: What, in your opinion, is the most ridiculous autism myth or stereotype?theres a lot of those but the stereotype of autism being a young white boy thing is definitely up there in terms of perpetuating inequalities like afab people and poc are diagnosed less frequently and misdiagnosed a lot more, especially when theyre not kids anymoreless institutional for this one, but a lot of non-autistic people act like theyre able to intuitively tell if someone is or isnt autistic? when their knowledge is based on one autistic person they know of, or a mix of pop culture and maybe an intro to psych class. like “*person* cant be autistic they do *thing that isnt mutually exclusive to being autistic*” or “are you sure youre autistic cause youre not like my younger brother”

20: How would you describe autism to someone who knows nothing about it?im not exactly sure how to answer this concisely and still give some actual background on being autistic but heres some traits (under the read-more since this is pretty long already)

social interactions

casual conversation comes a lot less naturally for you than for others (like for me it feels kinda like trying to do a card trade when youre deck is out of order or when youre taking too long trying to find the right amount of money to give the cashier)

even if youre pretty sarcastic yourself, you might have trouble recognizing when other people are doing it (maybe responding to them as if they were serious, then realizing it was sarcasm afterwards)

difficulty with timing in conversations - accidentally interrupting a lot or not knowing when to start talking in groups

takes a lot longer for you to make friends than most people, even when actively trying

might have difficulty telling peoples feelings from their facial expressions or tone of voice, may accidentally overstep boundaries as a result

language/expression differences

speaking might not come naturally as a form of expression, might be more comfortable writing or using another method, especially on more personal topics

might be more or less facially expressive than most people (”resting bitch face” or finding it really hard to hide emotions)

might go nonverbal at times (or all the time) - talking feels physically difficult and takes more energy than usual, can happen with stress or just randomly

sensory stuff

hypo or hypersensitivities - more bothered by loud noise or bright light than others, being a lot more sensitive to fabric and clothing, needing certain levels of noise to be comfortable, “picky” eating (especially related to texture), sitting normally in chairs is uncomfortable, more or less reactive to certain smells

stimming because it feels nice, helps focus, relieves stress - fidgeting, Need To Move, leg bouncing, rocking, repeating phrases/noises because they sound/feel nice, hair twirling, feeling certain textures, pressure (heavy blankets, tight clothing, etc),

sensory overload when overstimulated (often in loud/bright/crowded/etc areas), may have trouble processing all information at once, get irritated by small sounds, may get dizzy, can trigger anxiety, restless energy, trouble focusing, places others are fine with may feel very chaotic to you (eg: a mall or supermarket), symptoms lessen when away from situation

various other things

special interests - if you like something you really like it no middle ground (”obsessed or nothing”), avidly pursue more info/content relating to it, feel an intense need to talk about these interests with others, could spend hours a day on these interests without getting bored

executive dysfunction - procrastination, difficulty planning ahead, trouble with time management, distracted easily, trouble staying on task, difficulty multi-tasking, having trouble making yourself do something even when you want to get it done

unexpected events or changes in routine (even small things and even if your schedule is not busy) are stressful, might cause you to freeze up, can take a long time to get used to

auditory processing difficulties - “sorry can you repeat that”, comprehending what someone said when theyre halfway through repeating it, following verbal instructions is hella confusing (“i know what those words mean and i know what that sentence means but i have no clue what im supposed to be doing”)

detail oriented - needing to know specific details and reasons behind things to remember them better, noticing lots of things others dont

good at coming up with unique ideas, different thinking approach leads you to problem-solve in ways others might not

i could write more but ima stop now, i think ive prob info-dumped enough

#autism acceptance #actuallyautistic asks #autism #asks #Anonymous #me

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imagines-never-die · 7 years

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Boys of your choice finally working up the courage to talk to their crush, but their crush just became 1000% more intimidating to talk to bc they're wearing something a bit more revealing or cute today. (Not naughty or anything when I say revealing, maybe they run into them on their way to the pool and it's the first time seeing them in a swimsuit or something)

(For this one, I went with Junkrat, Roadhog, and Zenyatta)

Junkrat

It wouldn’t be very hard to tell if Junkrat liked you; he’scertainly not very subtly about it. Everytime he blows something up, he just has to show you! Whenever he raids amilk tea shop, he just has to getenough for the both of you. And he can’t just sit next to you—he has to sitright next to you and practically breathe down your neck! So yeah, it wasn’texactly a secret to anyone on base that Jamison liked you. Now, it was just amatter of time for him to man-up and confess.

Behind the scenes, he was practicing like crazy, writing outwhat he’d say in his chicken scratch handwriting and crossing it out againsaying, “no, no, that sounds stupid.” He practiced in front of the mirror, hepracticed on Roadhog, and he practiced on training dummies! But nothing couldprepare him for the real thing. The one day he decided to confess to you wasthe one day Mei and Tracer invited you to go swimming. It was your day off,after all, and you weren’t sure when you’d get lovely weather like that again.

So when he finally confronted you on your way to the pool,you were wearing short shorts and were shirtless/wearing a bikini top. Herounded the corner of the hallway, looking all determined and ready.

“Oh, hey Junkrat,” you smiled and waved.

His jaw went totally slack as his eyes instantly moved toyour exposed flesh. Ooooh shoot, he was out of it.

“Urm…Junkrat?” you approached him worriedly, “Are you ok?”

“U-uh—I,” he suddenly straightened up, scratching the backof his neck, “W-well, I was just looking for—for you!”

“Oh really? What for?” you asked.

But no matter how hard the junker tried, he could not keephis eyes off your pecs/breasts. He had never seen them out there like that! Howwas he supposed to handle this now when he could barely look you in the eye?!All his well-rehearsed lines had suddenly gone out the window.

“N-nothing!” he yelped anxiously, “Nevermind, nevermind,wasn’t important at all, I swear!”

“O…k?” you scratched your head curiously, “Well Mei, Lena,and I are going swimming this afternoon if you want to join us,”

“Oh, hehe, naw!” he waved his hand dismissively and tried tohide the growing red on his face, “I-I can’t swim anyhow,”

“You can’t? Well how about I teach you?”

“N-Naw, I couldn’t let ya do th-that!” he giggled nervously,“You go and—uh er—enjoy your time with the girls, yeah! I’ll uh…catchup withyou later!”

With that, he sped off down the hall, muttering under hisbreath, “…When you’re fully clothed…”

Roadhog

It might be a little harder to tell if Mako has a crush onyou simply because he’s such a quiet guy to begin with. You’ll have to havesome sharp eyes to notice him watching you silently out of the corner of youreye. You might also be able to tell by how nicely he treats you compared to theother agents. He’s more gruff and blunt with the others, but he’s a lot gentlerand more docile with you.

His main concern about confronting you with his feelings isthat he’ll be shot down. After all, you’re so cute and pretty, why would youlike a big Aussie man who kills people for a living? Roadhog missed a lot ofchances to confess to you, simply because he thought it “wasn’t a good time” orthat “you looked busy” or that “he’d just bug you.” But they were all justexcuses to put it off.

Finally, one evening Junkrat had enough of his partner’sfretting. It was time to get this whole thing over with! He shoved the fat manto your quarters and left him there, standing awkwardly outside your door.Letting out a sigh, he rapped his meaty hand on the door and waited for ananswer.

Sure enough, you answered with a cheery, “Hello Mako!” Buthe was totally caught off guard by what you were wearing. A floor-lengthballgown/tuxedo replaced your usual agent uniform, hugging you in all the rightplaces and making you look super sophisticated. Mako couldn’t think of anythinghe had seen that looked so poised. Looking at you then, how perfect and neatyou were, and thinking of himself, he began to think it would never work. Amessy ragtag junker with someone as classy as you? He figured he’d just be anuisance to you…

“Oh, right!” you noticed him staring at your dress/suit, “I’mgoing out to a charity gala tonight. What do ya think?”

Mako was silent for a few seconds save for the raspy breathsthat always emanated from his mask.

“You look…beautiful,” he said softly.

“Thanks,” a light pink dusted your cheeks, “By the way, didyou need something?”

All you got was more silence, but inside Mako’s head was araging inner turmoil. What should he do?! Make up an excuse and leave it there,or confess to them now of all times—when they were looking their most amazingand too good for him?!

“Um…I forgot,” he mumbled and started on his way back.

Your brow creased as you said, “Mako. If you have somethingyou want to tell me, you know you can,”

That stopped him, making him twiddle his thumbs nervouslylike he always would when he was around them.

He slowly waddled back over to them and breathed, “Just uh…I…Ireally like you, [Name]. Th-that’s all I wanted to say,”

Your eyes widened in shock as your blush deepened. Thiswould certainly give you something to think about at the gala.

Zenyatta

Zenyatta’s all about kindness to everyone, but when it cameto you, he turned up his kindness levels to over 9,000. You were pretty surethis omnic had a thing for you. The main trouble with him was that he had neverfelt something like this before! Omnics process embarrassment and infatuationdifferently from humans, and he wasn’t sure how to process those new emotion.So it would take him a while to learn how to cope with them, but once he did,he would feel ready to confront you.

He’d go through lots calming exercises to keep him thinkingclearly and concisely so as not to mess anything up. Zen wanted this confessionof love to be perfect. After a small search around the monastery for you, heheard your melodic humming coming from the main atrium. He always loved thathum and how it resonated through the air, making the coils and wires of hisbody vibrate.

Following the sound, he found you spinning around at thecenter of the atrium, practicing a small dance by yourself. You were wearing a…oh.Zenyatta’s approach suddenly halted when he saw the blue skater dress/ tux thatyou wore. He had never seen you so dolled up before! At first, it warmed hiscircuits to see you looking so pretty, but then they began to overheat. Oh no,it was happening again! Zen tried to get himself under control, but he justcouldn’t! He considered leaving, and telling you another time, but you noticedhim standing on the one end of the atrium.

“Oh, Zenyatta!” you called out, “Hi!”

To you, he just stood there all strangely stoic and quiet,but inside, he was panicking about what to do. Well, he figured, you hadalready seen him so there was no point in running.

Walking towards you, he said, “You look lovely tonight,[Name].”

“You think? Oh thank goodness,” they sighed in relief, “Iwas worried this didn’t fit right, so I was practicing a few dance steps in itjust to make sure it did. You think it’ll be ok?”

“Of course,” he nodded, “What is the occasion,”

“There’s a small dance going on in the village just belowhere,” you explained, “I know the other monks don’t like it when we leave the monastery,but I think they’re really missing out. They have lots of fun stuff to do inthe village!”

“Hey!” an idea suddenly popped into your head, “Why don’tyou come with me?”

Zenyatta let out a small gasp and suddenly pictured himselfthere: dancing slowly to music, you right up against him as he led you throughthe dance, everyone watching, his hands around your waist…ummm. He hadn’t evenrealized he was stalling until you waved a hand in front of his face.

“Oh! W-well,” he stuttered, “I don’t really know how todance, and I’m afraid I don’t have the proper attire for the event,”

“Aw ok,” you pouted, “Well, maybe the next dance they haveyou can come. We’ll get you a nice suit and teach you a few dance moves, too!”

“That sounds wonderful,” he said.

“It does!” you beamed, “Well I better start heading down. It’sa long walk, you know. See ya!”

“F…Farewell,” he waved weakly to you as you left.

He had let you get away. Then again, maybe that was for thebest since he could practically fry an egg on his metallic body he wasoverheating so much!

#overwatch imagine #junkrat #jamison fawkes #mako rutledge #roadhog #zenyatta #tekhartha zenyatta #request

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