#but literally every single day I've been out this week at least one person has given me a look
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I got a cane like last week to see if it helps w my Issues and I assume it's because I am a Young Person but people out in public have been giving me the most insane looks. hello can I help you,
#sometimes I'll get Looks because well I look a certain way#but I also live in p*rtland#so. you know. I don't look That wild comparatively#but literally every single day I've been out this week at least one person has given me a look#idk maybe I'm imagining it but I feel like people are being weird ever since 😭#kids at work definitely point it out and ask but kids ask about Many things about me so not surprised#I was expecting that#I think a lot of kids have never seen a younger person w a cane and associate it w like. being old rather that serving a specific purpose#anyway I think its been helping! still in the data collection stage tho#ghost posts#text
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fleein the south part II
hi, i'm ri & i'm an autistic nonbinary trans guy-lite-ish person. 4 years ago i moved out to denver from mississippi (where i was born & raised) & immediately had a massive improvement in my quality of life. i was able to access medical & psychiatric care, my career stabilized, people were addressin me with correct terms for the most part, & i was startin to feel like life had finally begun
unfortunately when the lease ran out on our house end of summer last year my roommates decided not to renew, & then the people who were gonna be my new roommates backed out last minute. in a panic i looked for other options but with time runnin short & top surgery approachin i decided to recover at a friend's house & move back to mississippi once my surgeon cleared me to travel cross country so i could regroup somewhere i figured would be less expensive & at least somewhat familiar
that, friends, was a very costly & painful mistake! every single problem that made me wanna move away in the first place has only exacerbated!
i'm comin up on 8 months post top surgery, i have a beard, & i'm still gettin called ma'am/she/her. trump flags & signs still adorn many yards/porches here. hatred & bigotry run rampant in local politics. the other day i didn't even enter one of the convenience stores in the town where i live when i stopped by because they had posted a very thinly veiled racist sign on the door
when i arrived back here i was not even a full month outta surgery & i had a minor complication, so i went to the emergency room cause what else was i sposed to do? applied for charity as i had around $100 to my name at that point, which i THINK? got approved? also applied for mississippi medicaid the same day, which got denied almost outright as i have no children. so i've been uninsured since november & rationin the 3 month supply of my psych/migraine meds i received before leavin colorado for goin on 7 months. never mind bein able to access hrt!
job prospects here are Not Great! i've had to collect unemployment for a while as i cannot for the life of me find a full time job with a livin wage. otherwise i literally cannot make ends meet as the jobs i've held so far down here are payin average 50% or less of what i was makin in denver. even with the part time gigs i've had i have yet to crack 30hr/wk on any kind of regular basis
housin is an absolute shitshow. my lease is up 1 july (got a month extension) & i've been searchin everywhere for an affordable place of my own or at least a good roommate. the more affordable studio/1bd apartments go for around $700 & up, but most have income requirements of 2.5-3x the monthly rent which, considerin previous point abt wages, is near impossible. roommate listins are available but the majority are questionable at best & seekin a live-in bangmaid at worst
with all these considerations i spent the past few weeks feelin worse & worse lookin for somewhere close to the job i currently have. the leases are like 6mo-1y so i was picturin another year down here & how i was gonna survive, let alone thrive. my thoughts got darker & darker. i'd wake up in the mornin & be sad/disappointed i'd survived the night
this is no way to live
i snapped a few days ago. said to myself "if i'm destined to struggle wherever i go, i'd rather do it somewhere i actually Wanted to be in the first place" & started applyin for housin in denver. waitin to hear back from my first option & have secured a backup with a friend with a spare room for 6mo in case that falls through
right now i need help gettin the hell out! i've got first month's rent already put back, i can continue to collect unemployment until i land a good job in denver, & i'm already reachin out to find somewhere to work. i just don't have anywhere to go for another month or two to save the money i'll need to travel almost 1200mi (~1900km) back to colorado. i'll need at least $500 to make gas/food happen durin the time it will take me to get there, & i need it by the first of july (38 days from day of postin)
please help me escape!!!
ca: $jupitervega
vmo: jupitervega
ppal
please please please donate whatever you're able! pls boost!
thank u so much for readin, pls have an item from my emergency happy photo folder for yr enjoyment
#emergency#pls help#pls boost#emergency move#emergency transport#fundraising#help#mutual aid#mutual fund#direct action#direct aid#help pls#emergency assistance#time sensitive
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wait what's happening in the tags?? I've been off ao3 for a minute, I feel lost
WHAT’S HAPPENING TO THE RONANCE TAG ON AO3?
don’t worry anon! you’re all good, let me try to explain <3
basically there’s been one person spamming the ao3 ronance tag with very specific content. most people will probably know that person for the “robin-buckley-has-a-penis” tag.
-many people were arguing that their content has been ai generated. (due to the amount they would post, but also the way things were phrased etc.)
-they have over 1.3k fanfictions posted and they literally post new content every single day somehow?
-on twitter some people were accusing them of straight up stealing steddie fanfictions and simply just replacing the names. i don’t know as much about that though.
a couple of weeks(?) ago, the same person started posting anonymous too. that makes it a lot harder for people to filter out their fanfics. they also don’t use the tag everyone will probably know them for, making it more difficult to recognize them. (or at least they don’t use it as much? i haven’t seen it in a while that’s for sure).
yesterday i was looking through the ronance tag again and found new fanfictions, which had all been posted anonymously and included new, concerning things. (explicit smut including robin and underaged characters, mike, el and holly for example??).
i’m not sure whether that’s the same person or not though, since their fanfictions hadn’t included underaged characters or “straight robin buckley”.
that’s all i can think of for now anon! feel free to correct me or add on to what i said if there’s more you can think of! <3
(i just got out of bed, if there are typos just pretend they’re not there lmao)
#ronance#robin buckley#nancy wheeler#people on ao3 are back at it again for some reason???#robinsno1lesbian speaks
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im gonna start making doodles trying to reclaim my TF F/Os that i've lost, maybe once a week or once every two weeks... or once a month?? i dont know, i will try to keep some consistency but i really need to start slow on this. here's to hoping that drawing them every once in a while will make even just the smallest difference.
im so sick of associating these characters with my abuser and i'm so sick of the immediate fight or flight response that i get when just looking at pictures of TF characters or even the voice actors. i have tried just about everything... therapy, medication, exercise, watching a few clips from the shows, buying cameos, commissioning art/fics, talking to voice actors in person at conventions... nothing has helped me get better at all. i tried giving up on TF entirely, throwing out/giving away all of my TF merch, refusing to touch the franchise, but that has only made me more and more miserable as time has passed. it has been over a year since [insert the most horrific experiences ever here] happened to me and since i associated that with a long list of things, TF included. and im! sick! of feeling bad! so! if im gonna be miserable no matter what, then i might as well try to get better, right?? drawing my F/Os loving me has never failed me before, so here's to hoping it isn't gonna fail me now. i am quite the stubborn bitch and i refuse to allow my main coping mechanism i've used for 2 decades to remain tainted forever and ever 😤😤
these will be the shakiest, shittiest doodles imaginable, but i think drawing the robots i miss so much at least once a month can help me rewire my brain into believing they're safe again and they love me and i'm not in danger. i think the best thing that will help me is drawing my Ryan F/Os interacting with them as "proof" that they're safe to be around, that they've "approved of" them, will help me slowly reclaim them. fake it til you make it as they say. let's try this for maybe just a couple of months as a slow start and see how it goes :/
any TF doodles will be tagged as "reclaiming robots tag" and nothing else - free to blacklist it if you dont wanna see. i'll most likely be rarely posting these but jic //shrug
anyway. yay. attempts number one and two. i like to think barbie and ken stop by the starflower meadow every now and then because stsc summons them across the multiverse, asking them how i'm doing, if i'm safe, if i miss him at all. wow i am shaking so bad. ha ha haaa. these took about ten?? minutes?? so woohoo to ten minutes of drawing TF. im proud of myself for trying. even if i dont go through with this and end up not being able to draw TF ever again, at least i managed this one single post. if i keep this up, maybe a year from now, or two years or five years or whatever, i'll be able to handle it. i don't even expect to hyperfixate on TF ever again because my self shipping will never ever be the same w/ them -- i'll never interact with the fandom again, i'll never reblog fanart or gifsets or anything like that ever again, if i even somehow managed to feel good enough to actually throw myself back into the shows -- but i want to think i'll feel indifferent to it one day. to not have that fight or flight response. that is my goal. literally the bare fucking minimum <3
anyway. i'm super nauseous. this is so incredibly hard! holy shit!!! but that's why i have to do this. to quote pedro pascal, i am going to have a panic attack and i am going to leave 👍✨
(BTW I am still gonna stay offline for a few more days. I am back from vacation but I am SO burnt out I don't want to interact with dms/my inbox yet. I just wanted to post this just to get it out of my system and let it disappear into the void. But I will be back later this week bc I still have some commissions to finish and I wanna gush about my very exciting time meeting steve/tom/the brba cast. anyway... goodnight. i love you. smooch)
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Murder Drones HumanAU + some updates
Summary: Uzi doesn't get along with anyone in her school, let alone her town. Why would she ever do anything for them?
After a fiasco in their chemistry class, she and three other students are forced to compensate by participating in the entertainment portion of Copper-9's big fall festival.
Uzi is almost tempted to just take the three weeks suspension and marks on her record, but if she wants to get out of this town she can't have anything stopping her. So, VERY reluctantly...
She agrees.
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A/N: Still planning on a Nuzi post, but I've been so busy that I haven't had time to work on it too much this weekend.
As compensation... I have this?
I pulled that summary out of my ass, but I have a very vague idea of how this series would go. There would be probably at least two parts, each being multi-chapter with, of course, eventual Nuzi. Planning on sprinkling a bit of SmokeyBat and... Thuzi? Thi?? Uzid??? I don't actually know since I don't really... ship them?? Lol, which is a bit funny once you read what I've cooked so far.
Obviously, human au, with like 50 other themes mixed in (eventually). ALSO nothing supernatural (sorry if you wanted that, admittedly I did ponder the idea), but I still think this will be super interesting if I'm able to get a good outline going. I've been thinking about this idea for a few weeks.
Partly inspired by both Broken Balance by Gamecube19 and by chance by spero11 (which if you somehow haven't read I highly recommend). If I end up writing more of this it'll make a bit more sense where my inspiration came from.
Anywho, enough about me, lemme share my weird ideas with you all!
Sidenote: This fic will have NO smut or gore but WILL end with Nuzi if I pursue it, it just needs to simmer :)
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Uzi grumbles as the two idiots sitting in front of her continue their discussion on whether or not they can create their alcohol with the chemicals they were provided with for their chemistry lab that day. They were testing reaction types with certain compounds in various ways, which is up to their lab groups.
This usually isn’t a huge issue as her seatmate- Thad- is typically her assigned partner. Each lab table could fit four people, and since Thad was constantly to the right of her, he’d usually take pity when the teacher made the students choose their partners. Fortunately, that was a rare case when the teacher was in a good mood (which was never) and decided to let them choose their partners freely.
And in those rare cases, every single time Uzi tried to insist she was fine by herself, hide, or even pretend she already had a partner, the teacher has always either caught her or assigned her to an already made group (and this never ends up well for anyone in the classroom). Hence, why Thad (literally the ONLY person who talked to her outside of class occasionally) would always partner up with the girl.
She pretends it doesn’t make her chest feel funny.
But in a not super rare case (unfortunately), the whole lab table was required to conduct today's experiment together.
In front of Uzi sat Sam, the typical resident stoner one can probably conjure up easily in their head. The stereotypical guy, except maybe the lack of obnoxiously dirty and long hair. He always had a beanie on like Uzi herself, though he has a buzzcut whenever it's off… which is seldom (once again, like Uzi).
Uzi wouldn’t mind the boy if he remembered… well, anything about her… but more importantly their freaking assignments that he constantly forgets to finish (she makes Braidon do Sam’s share).
He always forgot her name, and even after re-informing him, he again forgets within the next few minutes. It's probably because of all the edibles he eats. Uzi thanks god every day she doesn’t have to deal with the stench of weed by this boy because god only knows if he’d survive her rage of having to smell that shit all day. They have close lockers so she wouldn’t be able to escape that reek even if she wanted to.
As for Braidon, he was a stuck-up, rude, and obnoxious redhead. He and Thad were definitely on the higher ranking when it came to their school's hierarchy, but unlike Thad, he flaunted that status in the stupidest ways Uzi could imagine. Constantly cut others in line at lunch, always making sure he’d “accidentally” spill his food onto the girl (which, way to get creative, idiot? Lizzy’s pulled that one back in Middle School), being the goddamned teacher's pet while borderline tattling on Uzi for things that never even happened (like the one time Rebecca stuck gum in another girls hair and had Braidon blame Uzi for it), and most recently, decided to “confiscate” Uzi’s belongings for a search as another student has supposedly reported to a staff member that she had firearms on her.
Yeah, Uzi wasn’t fond of the asshole. Her dad always tells her not to fight so much with the other students, always urging her to make amends with the boy. She knows this is only because Braidon’s dad had a huge say in the community, along with one of the bigger funders of their shitty school. Uzi knows she could easily bend that bastard if he ever tried to get physical with her. She knew better than to retaliate physically with so much stacked against her (police chief's daughter or not), but she had her exceptions.
The last time a bully tried really hurting her she kicked them straight in the face. Uzi had never felt more alive. Her dad wasn’t pleased with her two-week suspension, though.
But back to the shithead, he and his annoying ass tie made its presence known by discussing loudly with Sam about the lack of possibility of turning their little chemistry experiment into alcohol of all things.
“Sam of all the things you could contribute, why choose this ridiculous notion? Whoever you give that to is going to end up in the hospital.” Braidon states, seemingly uninterested. Thad lets out a chuckle as Sam just gives a lazy shrug, mixing some chemicals he stole from one of the cabinets into a spare beaker that was left on the shelves. “Just lookin’ for somethin’ to do. Wasn’t this the uh- like, what we’re supposed to be doing anyways?” Sam questions, still casually mixing.
Braidon scoffs as he recites their assignment to Sam. Uzi growls and gets out her worksheet, intending to finish her work before class ends. With or without the help of her partners. Braidon will just figure out the work himself and give the information to Sam to copy.
She notices Thad watching her as she prepares their materials. She flushes a bit but elects to ignore her the heat rushing to her face as she finishes setting up, turning to Thad when she’s deemed everything ready.
“Ya ready?” She asks, making sure she doesn’t sound too interested in what he’ll have to say. Thad nods before he quirks a brow at the two in front of them. “What about them?”
Uzi rolls her eyes, “They’ll catch up, as always”. Uzi cracks her knuckles. “Let’s just get this over with already so I can stop talking to you idiots”.
Thad only nods, used to Uzi’s blase and hostile nature to be able to not feel too offended.
As the two work, Braidon seems to notice them moving on without him and Sam and huffs, before beginning to write down their data and shoving Sam in the arm to try and steer his attention at the task at hand (which has about a 30% success rate).
Despite Uzi’s general dislike of her school’s populace (or her town), they’re usually able to get shit done with minimal issues. Thad and Sam typically make for good buffers between the others. If left alone with each other for too long, an argument is guaranteed, along with a high chance of Uzi having a nice visit to the principal's office.
With that being said, minimal incidents does not mean zero incidents.
The group finishes their lab reports first, thanks to Braidon and Uzi’s high intelligence (not that anyone is singing her praises), and they proceed to turn in their papers. Uzi cleans up the lab table since Sam is too doped up to realize it needs cleaning, while Braidon doesn’t care to help if it means any more interaction with Uzi, which neither of them wants.
Thad, of course, helps. And Uzi makes sure to be extra careful when he hands her a beaker he just rinsed, cautiously preventing her fingers from grazing his (even if she may desperately crave to). It doesn’t take long to finish, and Uzi lets out a sigh as she places herself back on her stool, checking her phone and noting that she only has twenty minutes before class ends. Luckily, this is her last class of the day. Once that bell rings she is out.
Uzi leans down to grab her bag below her seat, struggling, before letting out a defeated groan and hopping out of her chair to reach it instead. She places it on the table before jumping back in her spot yanking her earbuds from the bag's side pocket and shoving them in her ears and phone aux.
She puts on one of the many random playlists she’s painfully curated over the years on, turning up the volume probably too high to drown out her shitty class, before grabbing one of her journals (which looked to have been used quite a bit), a blue and a black ballpoint pen (she’d need new ones soon), and a thick folder filled with varying sizes of used paper (both blank and assignments).
The others ignore her, Thad knowing better than to look at her work as last time he did so she shouted at him so suddenly that he couldn’t hear out of his left ear for the entirety of football practice.
Uzi turns to where she had left the journal’s bookmark ribbon, the page showing different designs for a variety of weapons, the next page is the start of a messy sketch of a landscape being made with small notes added here and there. It was a blank journal, so no lines obscured the mess of ink she had left behind.
Uzi hums as her music continues to blare, turning it up more as some lab tables away a group is having a spat about their results.
Next, she grabs her folder, which is purple and made of cheap cardboard. The spine was starting to deteriorate and the smaller subfolders had been repaired with black duct tape to help keep it together, barely keeping all her papers together (she’d have to delegate some old papers to recycling or her closet soon). All of the papers were filled with notes from over the years, keeping the most important ones to the left, and the most relevant to the right. Uzi grabbed one from the right subfolder and turned it around to check the back, before setting it down and closing the folder.
On one side of the paper was a one-page assignment that had been graded and returned, a large ‘100%’ in red marker covering the top. On the other side, there were more notes, mostly about some sort of story concept, along with side notes to footnotes, unorganized and multicolored. Uzi looks at some of the purple ink left on the paper, making a mental note to grab a pack of purple pens as well when she eventually goes to the store.
Looking at the paper, she smiles a bit before getting to work in her journal, making certain lightly sketched areas more detailed, adding elements she had previously intended to incorporate. In the corner in all caps in small letters, the words “DEATH’S DRONES: PLANET-9 CONCEPT.” Underneath in an even smaller font was “title a work in progress.” Uzi wasn’t very proud of her naming abilities.
As the girl continued her sketching, she didn’t notice her table mates suddenly begin to speak. Not until someone rounded the table and painfully ripped one of her earbuds out.
“OW, What the absolute f-” She’s interrupted from her anger by the suspect, Braidon, tutting at her and waving a hand.
“Oh, hush up you’ll be fine. We just needed you for something real quick.”
Uzi growls as she narrows her eyes, now noticing that Thad and Sam are also staring at her, with Sam at some point having also stood up and placed next to Braidon. He was still holding the beaker from earlier. She checks her phone.
‘2:53,’ a little over five minutes left of this hellhole. Uzi detested the idea of getting into an argument with the idiot in front of her and having to stay at the school for any longer than she wanted because she had somehow “instigated” the dickhead and would probably have to attend detention.
With a groan, the girl relented. “And why the hell do you need me?”
There’s a flash in Braidon’s eyes, and Uzi glares harder. It’s so unfair that the three surrounding her are still taller than her even on this death trap of a chair. Bullshit is what this is, but she’s not about to back down just because of a little height difference.
“Just drink this, Doorman.” He grabs the beaker Sam is holding and shoves it in Uzi’s face. Uzi looks down at it, eyes widening in surprise. Thad lets out a small noise, seemingly debating whether or not to step in. Sam, to his credit, finally looks a little less out of it and gives Braidon a confused look.
“Uhh… I thought you said if someone drank that it would-” He’s cut off when Braidon holds his hand up. The taller of the two glares, “Ah- I was just being hyperbolic, Sam. She’ll be fine! And hey, if this works, Chad and Brad will have something new to serve at their next party. Or you, Thad.” He gives a glance to the jock as he gives out a mirthful smile.
Then, he turns back to Uzi, placing the beaker in front of her. “Whenever you’re ready.” He grins, eyes sharp.
Uzi stares at him, then at Sam, then Thad.
Braidon has a smug grin, his arms crossed as he waits impatiently for Uzi to take a sip of Sam’s concoction. Sam himself looks a little confused but mostly tired. He gives a small yawn and when he catches Uzi’s gaze gives a lazy wave. Thad just looks pensive, smiling encouragingly when their eyes connect.
Uzi takes a breath, pausing her music and calmly taking out her other earbud, before picking up the beaker.
Then, as she stares directly at the redhead, pours the liquid down the sink drain that lies in the middle of their table.
Sam laughs a bit, not caring about his half-hour of work being drained away. Thad looks a little relieved, though stares at the sink confused.
And Braidon looks pissed.
Uzi sticks her tongue out at him and as she’s about to speak, a slow, crescendo of sizzling reaches her ears.
Confused, she turns to Thad who’s still looking at the sink, seemingly startled. She turns only to jolt when she realizes something is coming up from the drain. Both she and Thad bolt up from their seats (Uzi with some difficulty) when the sizzling gets louder and louder.
She bumps into the two boys behind her, but she’s too spooked to care. It seems they have the same mindset as neither comment on it.
Suddenly, there’s a loud ‘pop!’ and a large flash that engulfs the whole room.
.
.
.
.
.
.
And when the light fades away? Uzi pales at what she sees.
The sink was ruined, the metal corroded away and the surface of the table surrounding the sink also had been damaged. Whatever Sam had mixed had eaten at the metal and table, leaving behind smoke that thankfully seemed to be teetering out.
The entire class was quiet, staring at the ruins of the corner lab table with wide eyes and open mouths.
Until a very angry teacher marches up to the four and shouts.
“YOU FOUR, TO THE OFFICE. NOW.”
None of them protested as all four rushed out of the classroom.
Uzi’s hands were shaking.
She ignores it.
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...so uh... let me know what y'all think! I don't have a name for this AU or story yet, but as I type more behind the scenes I'm sure I'll think of something... hopefully
I also had a helper with me as I wrote both this post and the "first chapter" so to speak.
Okay, so I don't have a beta and I probably won't need one (Grammarly has my back! I uh... think,,) but N was nice company lol. Uzi will be out soon and you bet I'm gonna go crazy with that when it comes.
The N Shimeji was created by Polar Summit, and you can find their other Shimeji projects here where they update their works!
Thanks for reading all my bullshit if you've made it this far! If I end up pursuing this I'll post it on my AO3, with some potential changes to this "first chapter" (which I want to make a little closer to 4k-5k words).
I won't reveal too much since I really like this idea and I uhhh kinda don't want people to take it? But feel free to ask questions and speculate lol love y'all <3
...
aannnd they've multiplied. goodnight.
#long post#murder drones#uzi doorman#serial designation n#nuzi#biscuitbites#md nuzi#murder drones n#murder drones fanfic#md thad#murder drones thad#md braidon#md sam#thad x uzi#thuzi#idk their ship name help#smokeybat#murder drones sam#murder drones lizzy#md lizzy#md rebecca#murder drones rebecca#the illusion of choice au
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another post about tf2 scammers
about a week ago i made a post about what types of tf2 specific scams are floating around steam, how to avoid them, and how to identify a scammer. a scammer literally just added me and to a newer player/steam user, their profile could come across as legit so i'd like to go through it and pick apart some of the red flags i look for when people like this add me on steam. hopefully it'll help some people lol idk
this is the profile of the person that added me. it seems normal enough at first, they have a decent steam level and their profile is personalized with artwork and a background. they've also written a bit about their hobbies and favorite tf2 maps in their description. initially, i thought this person knew me from tf2's steam forum and added me from there, but i did some snooping around just to be safe.
here is their full description. i know this might seem pretty normal, but for me personally descriptions like this are a red flag in my mind. the first part would be fine if they had any workshop submissions or had posted their work anywhere, but they haven't so it looks more like they just added some random hobbies specific to tf2 to make them look more legit. i've also never seen anybody list their favorite maps on their profile and in combination with everything else it just seems like they're trying to come across as more knowledgeable about the game than they actually are. this isn't enough to get me to block or report somebody immediately, but it does make me raise an eyebrow at least.
next, i scroll down and i see what games they play/own. 7k hours in tf2 is mighty impressive, but there's another red flag here: these are the only games this person owns and has played, and they're both free to play. for someone who has been on steam since 2015 at the very least, you'd think they'd play more than just tf2 and csgo.
another red flag is their friends list: there's only 8 people here. again, if they've been playing tf2 since 2015 as they claim, it means they'd have been on steam since then as well and most people would have a lot of people added in that time. (i've been on steam since 2014 and have 342 people added.) i know some people only like to add close friends or people they trust, but if this person added me out of nowhere and i've never spoken to them prior.
with all this in mind their profile is extremely suspicious, so at this point i've got a good hunch that they're a scammer. let's dig a bit deeper.
private inventories are another red flag as i mentioned in my previous post about scams. you can see the trade history of some items using websites like backpack.tf, and because of this a lot of scammers will keep their inventories private to prevent people from seeing if their items were stolen from someone else. it also prevents you from seeing what they have if they're chatting to you about trading.
this is an absolute dead giveaway. despite having 7k hours in tf2, they have absolutely no playtime on any of the classes. not only that, but every single one of their achievements were unlocked on the exact same day at the exact same time, which is impossible to do unless you're using an external program. it seems like this person used the program to unlock some achievements, then idled on the menu to inflate their hours on their profile. this is also why a lot of scammers won't have their stats visible; it's to prevent you from seeing if they actually play the game or not.
so yeah after seeing all this, i was 100% sure this was a scammer. here's them proving me right by doing the "we need you to play on/vote for our team there's money involved and we'll give you items" scam.
when i'm talking to a scammer i like to pretend to be engaged in order to keep them engaged as well and waste their time a bit, and because of this there's another red flag to add to the heaps of them this guy already has: why would you add a heavy/sniper main and ask them to play soldier or scout, especially when soldier is their least played class? surely someone who is looking for teammates for a tournament where money is involved would also check the stats of the people they're supposed to be playing with.
i sent them a couple more messages and they unfriended me shortly after. i've since blocked + reported them for scamming/phishing.
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I am in my Kyle Dubas era!!!!!!! 😩🥵💦🔥 who has written about him on ao3?? Who is he with? Who do I need to start obsessing over to be with him?! 😭 are the pens worthy? I do not want him to go there and fail!! (I’m a baby hockey fan just finding my feet)
Hi hockey baby!
You probably know about as much about Kyle Dubas as I do. I follow hockey from Europe, and there is very little interest for anything but the Scandinavian players over here.
(We don't care about the OG 6 teams at all, but we like the Swedes and of course Mats Zuccarello makes the national news every time he gets even a single point in an NHL game. It's kinda cute. We're proud of our boy.)
If you want any Actual Information you might be better off asking a Maple Leaf blog, but I can try to answer a few of your questions based on what I've learned trough hockeyblr osmosis and by watching the Maple Leafs docuseries like.. 5 different times..
So who should you obsess over him to be with?
AO3 says William Nylander, and based entirely on that one clip in the Maple Leafs All or Nothing documentary series where Dubas says Nylander is "SO FRUSTRATING" I'm inclined to agree with that.
There's also.. um.. this..
Which: hot.
(asked @sidcrosbrainworms and they said Nylander and maybe Matthews so.. peer reviewed)
Dubas is close friends with Jason Spezza and there's some speculation about Spezza potentially joining him in Pittsburgh. Could be cute. I'm also linking this post by himbeaux-on-ice about the relationship between Dubas and coach Keefe because I found it interesting.
RE: Dubas and the Pens
Josh Yohe seems to have decided that it's Fanfic o'clock:
And not to slutshame or anything, but Sidney Crosby is the easiest person in the world to write fic about, so I have 0 doubt that there will be Crosby/Dubas content published within the next few weeks, it just might take the fanfic girlies a few days to catch up on the news.
Here's Pens twitter making a case for a Dubas sandwich on pens bread:
I personally would love for Sullivan/Dubas/Crosby to become A Thing on pensblr at the very least.
Now:
Are the Pens worthy? Sigh. I mean, I love them, they're my little guys. The core 3 are still playing very well and I think there's definitely potential for this to be a good season if Dubas can scrape together some support for them. Goaltending has been an issue though, and Dubas has already spoken about the need to address it:
(check out this website if you're curious about our cap situation & feel free to just message me if you have any questions about how all of that works or drop another anon ask & I'll get back to you)
I obviously don't want Dubas to fail either, but even if the Pens aren't immediately in contention for the cup, even if Dubas makes a million mistakes, our previous GM was fairly awful so like.. the bar is literally on the floor.
Things Can Only Get Better
I think Kylie Dubes will be fine 💛
I hope you enjoy your hockey-watching-experience, and if no ones told you yet: welcome to hockeyblr!
EDIT: check the replies for Sheldon/Kyle notes provided by @pptiny
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I feel like I've nutted to SCP-1471 so many times my minds just equates ?her~~~~? with instant throbbing boners... Used to be terrified of 1471 but now I just wanna have 1471 her in by bed to snuggle. Some times I imagine this very scenario late at night in my deepest sorrow at my lowest point. I imagine 1471 peering around the door, then coming into my room, I have no fear because I've seen 1471 many times in my dreams. It seems shy, perhaps lonely like me? No, such a thing can't feel loneliness.... at least.... I assume? No matter, all that matters is that senpai is now at the foot of my bed. Not a word uttered by 1471, not a movement of the head. Its her smooth white head and pearl like eyes watch me, not with intent, not with malice, or curiosity, but simply watching. Either out of shock or fear of spooking her I make no movement in my bed. This continues for several minutes. Finally I speak up though at a near whisper, 'W.... would you care to join me?' I pull back the covers and pat the bed indicating a good position to lay down at. 1471 seemingly doesn't react nor acknowledged my invitation. In a more confident and slightly louder tone I repeat the invitation. 1471 cocks its head, I pat the bedding again as if calling a dog. 'Please... I wont harm you... I... I don't mind if you stay for the night...' I say in almost a pleading tone. 1471 has been my go to fap material for awhile now, almost every day for 2 weeks in a row, such an opportunity to finally embrace my waifu surely will not come again. 1471 takes a step, then another, and another, now at the side of my bed where the covers have been turned back my eyes glisten with hope. A single black ?paw? ?hand? is placed on the sheets, then 1471 sits, and finally lays down on her back. Am I dreaming, altered personal reality? I out-stretch my own hand and place it on the top of her head... Thick black hair and two fluffy ears on a hard base. Feels real to me, perhaps I've finally realized my ultimate desire. I stroke 1471's head slowly, after a few strokes I run my hand down her beautifully formed skull. Not a reaction is had and tiredness plagues me so I opt to throw a hand over her chest and snuggle 1471 tenderly. Eventually I drift to sleep with the last image in my mind before darkness being 1471 staring directly at me. Of course, this was only a passing day dream, perhaps my fantasy as I lie awake in my bed late at night. Though... Have you ever experienced a constructed reality so convincing you've actually bought into it? I have but only once and I so desperately wish to return to it... oh how I wish it were real... What I'd give to live in my own constructions, perhaps nightmares for some but heavenly bliss for me. Heh, I guess as the saying goes; "One man's nightmare is another's paradise." Well, allow me to elaborate on this one time I achieved bliss. I'd been working for nearly 21 days straight off 23 - 28 hours of sleep a week, 10 - 12 hour days of hard labor type work, and the only thing keeping me going is Monster Hydro and pain-killers. I'd finally gotten a Sunday to myself, my first day off in literally weeks, I tucked into bed with my glorious and favorite waifu pillow that Saturday night. On Sunday morning a soft and gentle first glean of the rising sun illuminated my bedroom with an almost mystical light. I opened my eyes and starting at me was the face of my waifu with her tender smile and gorgeous eyes so deep I found myself easily lost in them. That... that is the first time I'd experienced true peace, detached from the dark reality of the world. I stared long into my waifu's eyes and even gave her a small kiss. I laid there in ecstasy as I spooned my waifu wishing even praying it to be reality. Sadly like with all good things, it must come to an end. My groggy mind finally came to full operation and the wondrous atmosphere quickly turned to deep sadness and depression as I realized that I was embracing nothing more than a pillow with an image printed on it.
I’m gonna hope that if you are prescribed any medication that you are taking it. Life can be tough so even if it is just a fantasy you can still gain some joy out of those fleeting moments. I hope that you can one day find the true happiness you seek, but if you ever need to vent feel free to talk to me.
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Why are you so quiet? Everyone has gone insane and making up new facts every five minutes, you're usually the first one to lose your patience and lay it down. You're obviously on Chris' side yet you're letting people talk shit about him. You need to say something!!
I don't know whether to be flattered or insulted. You talk as if I'm some matriarch of the fandom when in fact I'm just a mediocre fanfic writer who is exhausted with this whole debacle and it's barely been two weeks. Nobody listens to me!
Today I saw a magnificent example of both Chinese whispers and alternative facts in this fandom. The person who alleged that CE was at her work for medical imaging, who I suspect was also the author of the now-deleted Reddit post, only tweeted that she had found out he was at her work. I appreciate that many people deleted the screenshots of the tweet as it was a gross invasion of his privacy and a HIPAA violation that, if true, would have very serious consequences for both the tweeter and her employer, and that a lot of people didn't see it. But suddenly people were talking about an actual x-ray or MRI image that had been posted and deleted. There was never an image. That didn't stop a few people from saying they knew someone who had seen it, which adds credence to the rumour despite being a lie due to there never being an image.
A lie can run around the world before the truth has got its boots on - The Truth by Terry Pratchett
We are seeing this in action every single day since the People article. I've seen people make the most outlandish claims. Suddenly, everyone has a friend who knows his flight details or what he ate for dinner. It's utterly demented. It's beyond crazy.
Let's go through all of the utter horse shit I can recall from the past fortnight. Shall we have more bullet points?
It's all PR
They have a contract for two years (how could anyone possibly know this?)
Chris obviously cannot stand Alba anywhere near him
The girl in the park who was forced to delete her Twitter was in on it and planted there to record
Chris has been personally seeking out Tumblrinas to block on Twitter
Narrative PR wrote the deranged fan letters to make the fandom "look crazy" (lol) and garner sympathy for Chris
Literally anyone who sticks up for Chris or Alba is, in fact, Chris or Alba or their moms
Alba wore a halter to WDW to show off her tattoo and be recognised (Really? Who on earth is going to recognise her?)
She only flew into FL to record the video and then left immediately (y'all really don't like them spending time together, huh?)
They are reading every single post every single gossip blog writes and using the comments to make their fake PR relationship more convincing
There's more but this is so exhausting. If you take one thing from this post, let it be this. Take EVERYTHING with a pinch of salt, no matter who posts it and how sure they seem. Sometimes people are right and sometimes they are wrong. This fandom has a nasty habit of voicing their opinions as facts, then others take that and run with it, like today with the medical imaging business.
The fact is, nobody cares whether or not you believe it. But you are devoting hours of your life, every single day, dissecting everything and going around and around in circles and it is not healthy. It is not healthy at all. Take some time off or at least talk about something else.
Someone asked what I personally think is happening with Chris and Alba, so I'll leave you with my thoughts. It's serious. They are in love. I think they'll probably get married sooner rather than later. The laser focused comment was an FYI, telling the fandom that he's going to be taking his foot off the gas and concentrating on his private life for the foreseeable future. Take it with a pinch of salt. 🤷🏽♀️
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Hello HeadcANON here, late, but here nontheless to congratulate you ON TCOTI's fifth anniversary. To say this fic changed me would be an understatement.
It became something so much more than just a piece of fanfic.
It became a source of inspiration, of comfort, of joy. It became a reason for me to keep going, through anything really. Anything difficult I was dealing with, I knew I could do it because despite everything you've been through, whether minor or major, you persevered.
That and, if I hung up this hypothetical phone too early, I'd never get to hear the end of it, and I really, really wanna.
This fic meant and still means so much to me. You published it when we we're 13, now we're 18, and all throughout that time, my interest (if not obsession) with your fic and characters never dwindled. It only grew. It made me want to pick up writing again, and I did, and I still do. And, I hope you continue to do so, as well.
Genuinely, I'm glad to know how much this fic has changed your life, but I need you to know that on the flipside, it's changed mine and so many other people's lives as well. Whether by inspiring them to write their own stories or to begin drawing, or just giving them that same feeling of comfort and joy.
Thanks for everything, Lorel - HeadcANON
Under normal circumstances when I recieve a complimentary message I keysmash and spam a million heart emojis because I'm not the best at taking compliments, but I would be an absolute fool to not respond to this ask with the same sincere and heartfelt energy that you put into it.
I legitmately began to cry as I was reading this ask. It absolutely baffles me that I have literally impacted people's lives over something so silly and self indulgent.
I want you to know that I see and fully internalize every single person who has ever sent me a message like yours. To know that I am inspiring people to draw, to write, to create, to overcome challenges not based on my writing but from what I've been through myself, it's all I can really hope for in life. By all accounts, if my fic really did do everything you said it did for you, than I have quite literally succeeded in life. Even if it's only a handful of people, knowing I have helped them through dark times in their life, even inadvertently, means more to me than I could ever express in words. I am so incredibly happy.
Genuinely from the bottom of my heart, I am so grateful that I could help you all like this. And I know you know you've all helped me too. I hope even when my silly fanfic has finished writing, that we can all continue to support each other and go out into the world and raise more people up. I sound so insanely sappy and dumb right now, but about a couple of weeks ago one of my friends I met thru TCOTI flew out to come see me, and us plus a mutual friend hung out together in my appartment and talked and laughed and all watched movies together and I realized my life, and their lives as well, have been changed by this. Which is simply insane to me.
I hope that as I continue writing this story you all enjoy what I have to offer. I plan on updating by at least the 9th of January, but we'll see haha.
Have an amazing day headcANON and I hope you know how much love you have filled my heart with today. I don't think I will ever forget this message <3
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5. Favorite band. (Get that extra u outta here, hack phooey!)
Oh, Crane Wives by far. I'm not the type of person to find an artist I like and proceed to listen to every single one of their songs, but just a few days ago I listened to "Canary In A Coal Mine" and it gave me the same joy every one of their songs gives me the first time I hear it, and I think I've only ran into one of their songs I don't like, but I can't really remember the name of it. Still, I literally tell at least 3 people I love the Crane Wives a week, usually my parents in car rides since I have full aux control, and then one of my school friends usually has to bear me repeating "I love Crane wives" in between singing lyrics for an hour - Crane Wives is SO FUN TO SING WITH IT HAS ALL THESE UPS AND DOWNS AND ITS JUST WONDERFUL, and it's also mostly in my range, though there are a few songs where I just can't reach a lower note or a higher note and accidentally switch to a different octave to hit it [I've been trying really hard to unlearn automatically switching octaves but like. At least it tells me I have a good ear since I'm definitely hitting the same note, just on like the G major instead of D Major idk man I flunked out of violin]
but if you asked my Spotify, they keep consistently telling me my favorite artist is cavetown [3/3 years that I've used Spotify,,,], and I also obviously enjoy people that are a bit more mainstream like The Living Tombstone and Sparkbird [kind of] and Rio Romeo and all of that.
But I do gotta say that while Chase Petra isn't a band, they are my favorite singer. I heard their Pacific song on tiktok before it got released on Spotify and fell in love, and they recently did a acoustic cover of it which is wonderful. I also like fuck I forgot the name it has vs. Nature in the name of it and something that's named autumn windfall?? Somewhere around there??
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A Minute in March (Ricky Matsui TF/MC)
(Original Date of Upload: March 31, 2022)
Original Description:
Say hello to the very first Dimension 20 TF in the world (probably)!
This is a very long story I wrote alongside a friend of mine and I am so happy to finally share this! Ricky is honestly such a great character and to bring forth TF into him is something I am proud to do, especially something that ended up being 16 pages long in the end. This was definitely meant to be a silly thing since Ricky is frequently called Mr. March in the series, so I thought why not write a TF into him in March!
I spent the past three months watching Dimension 20 and honestly it has been one of the best experiences I've had in a while! It is SUCH a great series and I fully recommend others watch it!
Special thanks to my best friend for all the help editing this! They spent a lot of time doing so and I thank them so much...
New York City.
The Big Apple.
A massive, metropolitan cityscape, home to towering skyscrapers, landmarks and monuments of all kinds, and a bustling population of over 8 million people- a city that never, ever sleeps.
Though, if we were here to go over every single one of them and what their deal was, we’d be here all day, amirite?
We zoom in and find ourselves deep underground- this subway station is a crowded one, choked with people on their morning commute to work, just the same as our target… there.
Aaron Pearce, a man in his early 30s, wearing a dress shirt and tie, only slightly stained slacks, and a pair of loafers. He had been living in New York City for roughly a month at this point, having been sent here on a business trip by his company. It was a bit… jarring, at first, especially after having lived in a suburb for most of his life on the other side of the country- getting used to a life in the city where he’d see more people in a single day than he’d seen in his entire life up to that point could be uncomfortable at best, and downright suffocating at worst when he took the time to think about it.
But he’d settled down, for the most part. Gotten used to it as the weeks went on. He didn’t have the time to dwell on it, anyway- and honestly, who did, in this city? He had work to do.
Suitcase in one hand, half-eaten bacon egg and cheese bagel in another, and phone squashed precariously between his ear, chin, and shoulder, half wishing he had an extra hand to keep the darn thing from falling to the ground and cracking again. Aaron’s eyes wander listlessly across the crowd of New Yorkers sprawled out across the subway, waiting for one subway line or another. Just like he was. …And that meant he was a New Yorker himself, didn’t it?
Well… he wished it felt that way, at least.
Aaron hastily swallowed another bite of his bagel to promptly respond to the co-worker on the other end of the call, who had just posed a question with the natural expectation for an answer.
“Yeah, I’ve got everything ready for the presentation today.” He mentally ran through the list of what he had planned for said presentation at work, then while he’s at it, jumped to another project he was working on, also for work. A moment later between the call and more bites of his bagel, Aaron idly looked down at his watch, and sighed. “Do these trains ever come on time?” A soft chuckle escaped his chest as he asked. He already knew the answer.
“Not a chance- it’s a miracle we barely even get to work on time at all!” his co-worker, Marshall- also in New York on the same trip- laughs from the other end of the line.
“Yeah- though, I could swear it’s never too late, y’know? Honestly, it sort of has it’s charm like that- at least its inconvenience is consistent, right?”
“Sure seems that way. Personally, I genuinely believe it’d take nothing short of a literal act of magic to get these things to work on time.”
Aaron rolled his eyes, a smile finding its way onto his face. “Yeah, and your taxis are so much better.”
“Hm, sounds like someone’s jealous they didn’t integrate well enough to figure out how to taxi like a normal person.”
Aaron shoved the last bit of his bagel in his mouth when the conversation lulled, letting his gaze drift over to follow the subway tracks and across all the waiting people. He found his own thoughts slowing as he chewed- a short moment of respite. That did not come often in his new routine.
Even rarer, did it come, when there was only a single thought on his mind.
Shuffling his items around his now partially free arms to hold his phone properly again, Aaron swallowed his bagel quickly and spoke up, breaking the call's silence.
"You ever think about living here… permanently? Outside the business trip, I mean."
There was a short pause on the other end of the line, before Marshall answered him.
"A little, yeah. I won't lie, there's a lot in this city that beats home hands down, but the public transit really stinks. Can't stand it."
"Really? That's your only problem with this place?" Aaron snorted. He wondered if Marshall counted taxis as part of that judgment.
"...I mean, pretty much? Why?"
"I just think-" Aaron broke off and sighed. "I don't know… this is just such a nice place. Maybe it's the atmosphere, or the different weather from home, but- I just wish we didn't have to leave at the end of March."
"You sure the paycheck bump isn't starting to get to you?" Marshall joked. "Come on, you know how much of a chokehold the company's got on our work shit. No chance they're letting us stay any more than we have to so they can drop our salaries back down again."
Aaron blustered out a frustrated sigh. He knew that…
"Please, I'm being serious."
"Fine, fine, alright. …I wouldn't mind if I could stay living here for a bit longer either, I'll be honest. The food's great here, and my place is only a block away from the mall. That's walking distance! Crazy, right?" There's a sigh on the other end of the line. "I still don't think it's likely at all that the company would let either of us stay for longer- but hey, if it were to happen anywhere, it'd be here in the city of dreams now, wouldn't it?"
There was no inflection in the end of Marshall's sentence outside the humor of an intended joke, but something about it had a feeling rising in Aaron's stomach that he couldn't parse. He opened his mouth to say something, but a sudden rushing of air and pressure and people announced to Aaron that his train had arrived, and snapped him out of that slight daze.
"Oh, the sub's here, gotta go."
“Well, if you want to hang up that much…”
People started walking past Aaron towards the open subway cars, and he hastily gathered his work supplies to follow.
“I’m not going to be on my phone in the middle of public transit, that’s basic public manners.” Aaron shook his head as he approached the train. “I’ll see you at work today, but do you wanna meet up for coffee sometime later too?”
“Sure, sounds good to me. Work’s got me by the wringer, but I’ll let you know when I’d be good to go. See ya at work, Pearce.”
Aaron’s phone hung up without fanfare, but it left him with a slight pause before he moved further.
“The city of dreams, huh…” he whispered to himself, feeling the weight of something he somehow knew he could hardly understand settle on his tongue. The thought did not leave his mind as he boarded the train.
----------------------------------------------------------
The subway car was just as crowded as the station had been, as usual. People took their seats or stood when necessary, smooshed up next to each other or having others jutt into their personal space, but they all mostly kept to themselves, retreating into their own personal bubbles as best they could amidst the uncomfortable arrangements- more unspoken public transit manners. Aaron followed suit, hastily opening up his suitcase and laptop inside it to work. His eyes ran over a PowerPoint file he had open, that he had been working on for two weeks now- an important, critical asset, highly crucial for the growth of the company and the industry as a whole.
…Or so the daily emails asking about progress updates went on and on about, as if the mere assurance of the company’s benefit from all the work and polish Aaron put into this would make the process any less of a dull slog. It’d be over soon, though, he just had to check for edits one last time before he arrived at work.
Aaron focused in on his laptop, too engrossed in his work to notice anything else that might have been happening, just as the rest of the passengers were. Not one of them noticed the near invisible wisps of something beginning to flicker through the air, trailing down the length of the subway car, gathering together with more and more wisps until they had become a swarm distorting the very air. Not a single passenger saw the little motes of motes of golden light, the same color as the sun shining through and between the city skyscrapers, floating past in the same direction, bobbing gently among the invisible current.
No one saw, and the movements of the passengers on the subway car began to slow, gently, gradually, before being left absolutely still. Aaron began to fall still in turn, his mind attributing the sensation of time passing strangely to one that occured whenever he was working hard on something, and his attention slipped off of it without a second thought. But before he could fall victim to this strange fate his fellow passengers seemed to have fallen into, however, a new feeling rose in his chest instead- his stomach jumped like he'd gone over a speed bump too fast. But wasn't he on the subway, not in a car?
The rising pressure in his chest blurred his vision, and he rubbed his eyes a little in reflex. His vision cleared just in time for another golden orb of light floating just past his eyes- that he could see.
Aaron's eyes flew wide open with shock as his gaze shot around the subway car, taking in the glowing golden lights, the wispy distortions, even the almost absurd lack of reaction from the other passengers.
Aaron distractedly shut his suitcase and laptop, his excessively checked and double checked presentation the furthest thing from his mind. He stood up, and lurched a bit- the subway car was still moving, and he quickly adjusted himself before he lost balance. Looking around at the other passengers, Aaron realized- gradually, haltingly, as if he were in a dream- that the others were not moving at all, or even breathing… like they had been frozen in time.
Aaron was not sure where the idea had come from, but it did made sense, in the moment. Something strange going on with time would certainly explain why a stop hadn't been called in so long.
Aaron walked down the aisle hesitantly, yet firmly, the subway car once familiar, now liminal. He stood against the wispy current, feeling actual pressure pushing against him, like a particularly strong wind.
In response the sensation in his chest grew, then bubbled up, and he blinked and gasped aloud. Whatever dream-like state he had been in, and whether it had only began when he stepped onto the subway or it had lasted for his whole life up to this point, he was awake and aware and alive- there was fear, and trepidation, and apprehension, but carried anticipation among it all.
He reached the head of the car and watched the motes of golden light with cautious eyes. By now the wispy current had caught enough golden light of the orbs in its wake and refracted it, scattering it around and almost seeming to bathe the car around him in a warm golden haze. His skin and work attire stood out among the gold, the lone figure moving in a frozen gold world. Just to check, he waved a hand in front of a passenger he was walking by, and did not receive an annoyed glare in return.
Aaron shuddered and let out a sigh. The liminality of the space was starting to get to him.
“Keep it together, come on.” He clapped his hands on his face and looked back through the subway car one last time. His eyes ran over the golden haze, the very air rippling and distorting in consistent enough ways as the ocean tide would, the numerous passengers frozen to the spot mid-movement, and stepped through the door to the next car.
Peering through the doorway, Aaron saw that this car was in much the same situation as the last, with time seeming to stand still for all but the tide and the subway cars themselves, still rushing through the dark. No one else experiencing the same phenomenon to talk with, as he'd silently hoped for. When asking himself what exactly had caused all of this, Aaron was truly at a loss. It could be all just a dream, that had been his first guess, or maybe some sort of work-stress induced hallucination, but it felt a bit all too real to be simply that, he knew he was just fooling himself trying to believe it wasn't…
But wasn't the only other alternative that this was all real?
Aaron went cross eyed as something passed in his vision too close to his face, snapping him out of the train of thought. Another larger mote of light, among thousands of others the size of golden dust, gently carried by the invisible current down the line of subway cars.
"What… are you?" Aaron's voice was barely a whisper, as if he was worried he'd startle it away if he spoke too loud. The light only continued to bob in response, like some sort of drunken gnat.
Whatever it was, Aaron was almost certain it was connected to the time stop. He didn't even know what they were, but curiosity was beginning to get the better of him. Aaron reached out, and closed his hand around it.
In an instant, a scene so vivid and real he could have mistaken it for one of his own memories flashed before his eyes.
The building was burning. Smoke choked the air and the flames snapped at him from all sides. A child was clinging to him as he bolted through the ember filled halls, the air laid thick with heat. He was forced to swerve and dodge as a charred beam of wood collapsed in front of him, but he stayed calm, he knew what he had to do. Something- what he had- he had to do to-
Aaron gasped and stumbled back, a headache hitting him and forcing him to release his grip. The golden mote of light still hung there in the air, though almost seeming a bit more subdued, while Aaron reconfigured. "What… was that? It almost felt like…"
He trailed off as his gaze caught on the orb of light again. His panic subsided as he gazed into the golden glow, and felt… compelled to touch it again. It wasn't finished yet, he somehow knew. Incomplete.
He took a few steps forward, and his heartrate quickened as he reached out a hand and grasped it once more.
-He knew what he had to do to save the kid.
How familiar the vision felt, how real the sensations of adrenaline and determination shooting through his veins while it played out, how foreign it should have felt but didn't even feel wrong that it had placed him in the first person perspective, it almost felt like…
"…Like a memory…" Aaron breathed, letting it play out within his mind once more.
His breathing quickened, and with each breath something began to settle within him. At first was the feeling of warmth- not scorching and ravaging, like the memory of fire had been- but a gentle warmth enveloping him, like someone bigger and stronger than him that he knew with a certainty would protect him no matter what was wrapping him up in a protective, caring hug.
Aaron somehow felt more comfortable and safe than he'd felt in the longest time- but his breathing didn't relax. His breaths instead began to deepen and strengthen, seeming to fill out his body as it began to grow. His frame expanded, shoulders broadening and shaped itself out into a sculpted, almost intoxicatingly masculine form. His shirt very quickly seemed to stretch taught under the pressure as his chest barreled out, and almost sent him doubling over. Pectorals inflated and solidified into thick slabs, together forming a massive shelf that hung over a set of hard abdominals pushing forward- all visible through his shirt, straining at the buttons.
Still carefully drinking in everything the memory had to offer, Aaron absently reached up his free hand to loosen his tie, to the relief of his neck thickening to match the proportions of his new frame. The sleeves of his dress shirt began to tighten in turn, the delts and biceps and triceps swelling and further filling out the projected shape of masculinity his shoulders had established. His larger, stronger lungs began to find- not difficulty, but rather resistance, in the form of his dress shirt- now seeming almost comically small on his larger, powerful torso.
Aaron groaned and rubbed at a building headache, inadvertently releasing his grip on the mote of light and missing that it had completely disappeared from the space it had been in when he grasped it. He undid a button or two of his dress shirt- god, he could have sworn it felt fine this morning- and glanced around at the golden haze, even more of the bobbing golden motes of light drifted down the line, carried by the tide.
"There's so many-" His throat went dry and closed up, he coughed a bit to clear it and tried again. "There's so many more of these little things, huh…" Wait- was that his voice? Did it sound different than before? It did sound different, didn't it- it was deeper, and there was an inflection in his voice that he couldn't place.
Aaron walked through the fog of gold and amidst more of those glowing golden lights, watching them closely. Part of him didn't want to bother with them further, they were most definitely related to what was happening to the other passengers. But that part was drowned out the more he thought about that memory, and how comfortable it had felt. It had been of an extremely dire situation, yes, but there had been an overwhelming sense of positivity and optimism emanating through the demeanor he held and the way he carried himself. Like he could save the day. Like everything was going to turn out alright. Like…
"Nothing bad is ever going to happen to us…" Aaron whispered to himself, finishing the thought. In an instant, with reflexes he had not ever thought himself capable of before, he reached out his arm and his hand snapped shut around another mote of light floating lazily past him. His eyes widened at the sight of his new defined, muscled arm before he was swept up in another memory.
Smoke. He could smell it on the wind, even just the faintest traces of it, miles and miles away from him and his jurisdiction. A series of scenes flashed soon thereafter, of dashing through the streets of New York, of diving into the freezing waters of the New York Bay, of swimming at what must have been nigh-superhuman speed- the ferry wasn't fast enough. All powered by that strong, ever present desire to help, and to save whoever was in danger, that simply permeated his everyday life. That sense of…
Of…
"…Civic duty…"
Aaron's arms swelled further, bulkier and muscular, as the memory continued to play, accepting it as his own. The musculature of his arms was left rock solid and truly bulging out of the sleeves of his dress shirt. Strong enough for hugs, of course, and strong enough to protect. His hands followed suit shortly after, widening palms and thickening fingers to match his larger arms, and Aaron felt the power, his power, surge through them. The strength his upper body carried was very clearly not a brutish type- but rather, a kind one.
More memories began to play- if Aaron could wrench his focus away from the visions playing in his mind, he'd see the motes of light gravitating towards him on their own, rather than aimlessly following the tide, bringing their own distinct memories- now his. As the lights began to coalesce, Aaron felt another feeling rise within him, like a light illuminating in his chest and coursing through his body, that shined the same gold as the dust around him. The light of warmth, comfort, civic responsibility and duty filled his body and mind, and he couldn’t help but relax as the light made its home in his mind. Had he been clenching his jaw so hard this whole time? Aaron rolled his broad shoulders and thick neck, smoothing out all the kinks that he’d been used to from hunching over a computer for work all day, and found his face slipping into a more relaxed grin. It was all of a sudden even harder to be worried about the “critical asset” that he needed to prepare for his work- he wanted to help people, more than anything, and the only thing the presentation would do would be helping the company. And the company wasn’t a person- so it just wasn’t as important to Aaron anymore, his priorities shifting with his demeanor as that civic light filled his mind. The train of thought made perfect sense to him.
The memory of swimming through the New York Harbor returned, and in the memory… he reached the remains of a burnt down house, somewhere on an island that he’d smelled the smoke of miles away. Aaron recalled the details that came after- there were no casualties, thankfully, and the friend of his that had been living in the house had been safe elsewhere at the time of the fire-
“Wait, I… no, that’s not right…” Aaron stepped back, laying a hand on his forehead and squeezing his eyes shut. The memories were foreign, of someone else’s life, the memories were his, they were real and he’d lived through them, the memories were changing his mind somehow, the memories were confirming who he was- thoughts swirling around in his mind almost made him dizzy. Rather unhelpfully, in that moment he registered that his body was largely different from before, to which all he could think to react with was slightly furrowing his brows and uttering, “That’s definitely not right either…”
But something about it did feel right to him. All of his apprehension and fear when first approaching the lights had all but completely melted away, and he didn’t want to fear it either, anymore. He wanted to embrace it.
He lifted up a hand, smiling a bit as he took note of just how big it was, and felt around his body a little- squeezing his wrist, then his arm, occasionally trailing a finger down the noticeable indents his arm muscles had carved into the sleeves of his poor dress shirt. His hand drew over to above his heart, where the warm feeling felt the strongest.
Not because it was also where most of his massive pectorals were. Nor did he leave his hand resting on said pectorals for more than just a few moments. Nor did he play with them.
Thankfully because of the spot Aaron left his hand, he felt his chest expanding further sooner than he would have otherwise, giving him enough time for his large hands to clumsily undo the rest of the dress shirt’s tiny buttons before disaster struck. And not a moment too soon- Aaron’s eyes widened in awe as his abdominal muscles chiseled out into a rippling 8-pack, and the shelf formed by his pectorals jutted out even further, reaching their peak- at least, the result of all the hard work and working out he’d taken to get there. He was almost tempted to flex, just to show off his gains- but given the state of his strained clothes, that likely wasn’t a good idea, for now. He took to tracing his fingers around more of his bodily muscles like he did with his arms, instead- and while it did feel a bit silly and self indulgent of Aaron, it also felt… fine. There was nothing wrong with showing off his body like this- even unprompted on the subway, though he himself did feel a bit guilty for it, this was New York- people have seen weirder. Hell, he’d seen weirder, even before he was inducted into the Unsleeping City.
But nonetheless, it was all starting to feel more right. It was starting to feel like him.
It really was him.
The conclusion seemed to unlock something within him, setting off another wave of changes- this time to his work attire rather than his body. The ever-faithful dress shirt still barely clinging to his body was finally allowed its rest, as it loosened and reached over his uncovered torso to hide it again- buttons disappearing and shirt halves joining together by themselves, shirt collar disappearing into a plain shirt neck, sleeves rolled up and turned to a clear blue hue while the torso of his shirt stayed a clean white- the new nice, casual t-shirt was still quite snug enough to be… pretty revealing.
His tie undid itself and slithered down his shirt and through the belt loop holes of his slacks, though to his surprise it instead lost color and mass until it was nothing but a white string- the use of which became apparent as his pants changed next. Aaron’s nice slacks lightened from black to gray and the fabric softened to cottony material, becoming a comfortable, loose pair of sweatpants- with a white drawstring quickly tying itself into a knot at his waist. He found himself smiling softly as he shoved his hands into the pockets of his new sweatpants, reaching much deeper than the slacks could carry.
The pair of loafers he wore were last to go- the slick, black cloth reshaping into something more useful, well-worn, comfortable. Aaron held out a foot to watch as the changes settled in, a roughness inlaid in the material, the laces tied messily, a tongue emerging from the top as they formed into a pair of black, yellow, and white sneakers, perfect for walking or running places easily, and safe for swim in water with. It’s good to be prepared, especially after an incident like last time.
Aaron set his foot down and let out a content sigh. His pants and shoes felt a bit big, but he didn’t doubt that would be resolved soon. He glanced down the length of the subway car in both directions. Most of the little light orbs in this car were gone, having been attracted to the man almost magnetically and absorbed, but there were still some stragglers hanging back around toward the car he had come from. He nodded to himself, “Well, might as well finish cleaning up while I’m here.”
The next few seconds could not pass quickly enough- he took step after step towards the door, and the motes of light began to draw closer to the man in return, eager to gather around him and be absorbed, in rapid succession than slow, one at a time, like they had before.
Memories played out again and again, but this time the man neither winced nor closed his eyes to think about them separately, consciously. Locations, people, contexts, so much was being given to him, the unfamiliar becoming natural, the strange suddenly making sense. It was a little headache inducing, but he wasn’t afraid. He knew he was going to like his new life… or rather, he liked his life, craziness and all. That was what he meant, right?
While the floodgates were broken and memories poured in, the rest of his body made to fit the rest of what had already been changed. Each step he took, his leg muscles grew larger, thicker. Strong quads and hamstrings and bulging calves, perfect for running or bringing help to those who’d need him. His sweatpants seemed less and less loose as his legs grew- his glutes in particular growing to fill out his pants quite nicely. At the end of his legs his feet grew larger, filling out the sneakers properly with their size.
One last sensation began to well up in the man’s large chest- one that he quickly recognized as his own magic aura of protection, emanating its calming presence as it always did- but for some reason, the man felt he could really feel its effects on himself, as if he hadn’t felt it for a while. He laid a hand on the door back to his old car, his eyes flicked back to the haze tinted gold. He didn’t need to activate his divine senses to recognize it as raw umbra bubbling up from the World of Dreaming again, like in the months leading up to Null’s attack on the city. But why was it here now…?
Another deep breath, calm, warm. He could bring it up with the friend he was meeting up for tea with, if it struck the man as concerning enough. That’s where he was going that he decided to take the subway to travel to, right? It’d be nice to see them again, his friends’ names on the tip of his tongue.
He let his eyes close and felt a bit of numbness run through his skull, as his facial structure reconstructed himself. His head grew a little larger and wider to fit the rest of his body proportions, jawline shifting into a handsome, masculine one. So many little touches, in his nose, his ears, his chin, preparing him for the man he was ready to become. His hair deepened to jet black, the style eagerly shifting from combed to short and messy, endearingly so.
The signs of a lifelong New Yorker set deep into his face, his posture, his attitude. His old knowledge of the inner machinations of corporate enterprises faded into a network of important safety information. His suddenly renewed affinity for maintaining his personal fitness and helping others with their own brought a smile to his face as he pushed open the door.
Ricky Matsui walked back into the subway car, back towards his seat.
He couldn’t really remember why he’d gotten up in the first place, but those questions were pretty quickly dismissed when he saw the golden-tinted raw umbra still permeating the subway car, all the passengers still stuck in time.
…He wasn’t sure what to do about that, still. Whoops. Although- there was at least one noticeable difference that Ricky hadn’t noticed from before when he entered the car.
Stumbling around down the aisle, knocking into time-frozen passengers and snarling at anyone they touched, was a werewolf. They had coarse, brown fur covering most of their body, and a thick mane of slightly more well groomed fur surrounding their head, though it had seen better days. Bits of fur poke out of holes from their denim jacket, undershirt, and severely torn up pants, though some may have been from intentional styling as such rather than accidents. They also seemed to be missing a shoe, revealing a large clawed paw.
If the lack of reaction from any of the passengers were any indicator, the werewolf seemed pretty out of place. It could be another manifestation of anti-populi, which Ricky could dispatch here and now if that was the case… his eyes flicked over to his silver bat he’d left at the side of his seat. For one strange moment, the thought of swinging it like a club to attack someone almost seemed absurd and silly- before he blinked and remembered that’s how baseball bats were used in the first place. He shook away the strange thought and returned to the most pressing matter.
It didn’t really seem likely that they had to do with anti-populi, though, since it seemed to be localized to just one person. Ricky sniffed the air with his enhanced sense of smell, and tasted the smell of alcohol coming from the creature’s muzzle. Poor guy must have been pretty drunk, and badly handling it- he might be the violent type, based on the way he was acting. But maybe if Ricky could just calm him down a little…
Ricky cautiously trodded towards the seat the werewolf had collapsed into, and sat down in the open empty seat next to them, actually a few seats down from where he got up from. Throwing up Calm Emotions on top of his Aura of protection, he opened with a simple “Hey.”
The creature’s eyes focused in on him from where they were darting around erratically. They growled for a moment, then sputtered in a guttural, yet vaguely Irish accent, “…hey.”
“You, uh… doin’ alright?”
They snarled instead of answering, and irritatedly scratched their arm, inadvertently adding a few more rips to their jacket.
Ricky hummed. That was pretty stupid of him to ask. “What’s your name?”
The werewolf practically scowled at him. “Jawbone. Jawbone O’Sss..” his speech slurred a little, “...ssh..shaughnessey.”
“I’m Ricky Matsui,” Ricky reciprocated, giving his full name back, with a smile and a thumbs up. Something about the gesture tugged a bit of a smile on Jawbone’s muzzle, but he turned away and scratched himself some more, and harder. Ricky raised an eyebrow. “Do you want to talk about what’s got you, uh, real bummed?”
“‘m drunk on a train, fer one thing,” Jawbone glanced around at the subway car and its frozen passengers. “Wrong train, too. I tried to get off before it started moving, but too many people got in the way and nobody even looks at me when I ask for directions. Nobody ‘til you now, anyway…”
“Yeah. I think something weird is going on, on top of all that? In like, the magic kind of weird, I mean. Uh, you’re really scratching yourself a lot, are you good-”
“Allergies.” Jawbone snapped, growling at the other passengers again, who remained blissfully unaware. “Apparently these arseholes don’t seem to know it’s polite to conceal their silver in public spaces!” Jawbone raised his voice through the sentence and spat out the last part.
Ricky’s thoughts immediately jumped to his magic silver baseball bat and winced.
“Uhh, hold on-” Ricky leaned back over to his seat and knocked over his bat, and rolling it under the seat it was leaning against. Thankfully, that was the only thing he had brought with him on the subway. “Sorry about that, realized it was at least partly my fault-” Ricky startled a bit when Jawbone just seemed to start crying at the gesture. “Hey, hey, it’s okay!’
“It… it really ain’t,” the werewolf choked out between sniffles, “This entire day has been utter shite. First I forgot to take my meds before heading to work, hoped I wouldn’t get sensory overload, got sensory overload, you know how it is. Didn’t bring any backup medication on me either, so I had to improvise and tried snorting some drugs I had on me to help, but didn’t- turns out something I thought was cocaine was actually something else I’d never even heard of before, that I’m not even sure was drugs! No idea how I got to this place, I don’t know where the hell I am, and as best I can gather I’m not even on a train bound for out of the city!” Jawbone began pouring out, Ricky doing his best to support Jawbone physically before he collapsed from a stroke, or something.
Ricky rubbed Jawbone’s shoulder, and when he didn’t resist, brought him closer into a consoling hug. “I’m sorry, that sounds really messed up.”
“Ricky, you’re… the only person who’s actually noticed me and talked to me this… entire time,” Jawbone sniffled between hiccups.
A soft, golden glow began to emanate from Ricky’s hand as he rubbed the werewolf’s shoulder. “Hey, I bet I could help you. I’ve lived in New York all my life, I’ve gotten the hang of the subways pretty well, I can help you get back on track, once we hit a stop and I, uh, know where we are at the moment.”
The sniffling began to slow as not only Ricky’s calming, civic aura helped wash away Jawbone’s anxiety and fears, but even the mundane act of someone offering to help in his time of stress helped bring Jawbone back from the angry, hostile mess he’d been earlier.
“Yeah… yeah, I’d like that…” The werewolf looked up at Ricky’s face one more time, with a look in his eye that was likely meant to look different when not drunk and potentially high. “Gods, annyone ever tell ya yer hot as Ffffffffffffffuc-k?” Jawbone popped that last -k out loud in his mouth, then groaned to himself. “Uuuugh, ‘m usually way better at this, even when smashed, I swear…”
Ricky laughed in spite of himself. “Sorry, I’ll have to ask my partner about it before we think of adding a third.” He’d give Jawbone the chance to make a better first impression than this encounter before he made any solid judgments himself, too. “But yeah, I do get recognized a lot as Mr. March from the Firefighters’ calendar. Or at least, the 2019 version…”
The two of them sat there and talked for what felt like hours, Ricky talking about his friends, and Esther, and his time being a firefighter, and Jawbone told him about some wild and often drug filled escapades, rattling off lists of drugs so many drugs and the amazing partners he’d had in the past, surprising Ricky that Jawbone had apparently settled down and was a dad himself too- well, Ricky wasn’t one yet, but he would be one very soon- and gotten a job as a school guidance counselor. Jawbone hadn’t itched or scratched once, and Ricky’s aura seemed to really calm him down. He felt so calming, even talking to Ricky was a soothing experience.
As time went on, or rather didn’t go on, it was a surprise for the both of them when the train sounded the soft ding that played before a stop was called. “Now arriving, Elmville Station.”
Jawbone’s wolfish ears perked up. “Elmville… that should be my stop…”
Ricky grinned and gave his shoulder a little shake. “Hey, that’s great! Maybe you weren’t on the wrong train after all.”
“I uh… maybe.”
Jawbone stood up, a little shakily, as the subway began to slow. The doors opened once fully stopped, and Jawbone made to walk over, but paused to give Ricky a wave of departure. Ricky beamed back at him and gave a wave back. With one last pang of warmth in his chest, Jawbone only slightly stumbled leaving the cars- onto a station platform that looked to have been built outdoors in the open air, that Ricky didn’t recognize. It almost looked more like a classic railway station than a subway stop.
Ricky wasn’t given too much of a chance to dwell on it, though, as the doors closed and the subway began moving again. Ricky watched as the golden haze of raw umbra finally began to dissipate and the other passengers began to move again, continuing about their business as if nothing had ever happened. Ricky didn’t have any business to work on himself, he was just there for the ride to Pete’s tea shop-bookstore, but he was glad that everyone in the area was safe.
…There was a strange sense of finality that hung in the air, now that he was back in the waking world, but he couldn’t tell why or what for.
He shrugged.
“At least this would make a nice story to tell Cody.”
As if on cue, the train dinged and Ricky’s stop was called. He didn’t know what that feeling meant, or what caused it, but somehow, he was almost certain it wasn’t a bad thing. A part of him that seemed to know better than he himself did seemed to prefer it, even. Whatever “it” was.
-----------------------------------------------------------
“Dude, wait, so you’re telling me you saw a werewolf on the subway and he was just. Chill?”
“Yep. I mean, no, he was pretty down on his luck, but he turned out alright when I helped him out.”
“Dope… that’s got to be like, the coolest werewolf on a subway story I’ve ever heard. Even though I only knew of one other before this one.”
Ricky was definitely right, Cody did end up hooked hearing about this experience of his.
“Yeah, and he told me a lot of stories about doing crazy stuff while on a lot of drugs- some of which sounded made up, but like, I don't do drugs myself so I couldn't tell anyway."
"That’s so cool, dude. So wait, like- if he was on the wrong line, you think he might've been from Jersey or something?"
Ricky sighed. “Honestly, I hope not. I don’t think I could take Esther to go visit him if he was, even if I was sure I wanted to.” He shook his head. “But I dunno. Part of me was thinking it could have also been anti-populi, but it seemed a bit too localized for that. Maybe it’s just weird dream world stuff?”
Their friend Pete arrived from nearby, pouring them refills of tea from his arcane focus teapot, which also served just delicious tea. “Might be- but I think it might have been part of something weird going on instead, I’ve been getting some weird vibes between the Waking and Dreaming worlds lately.”
Cody looked at Pete in surprise. “Damn- you think it’s that serious?”
Pete nodded. “I was gonna message the group about it earlier, but I was bit busy to do it until you reminded me just now, actually.” He pulled out his phone and started texting with one hand, preparing to close the shop with the other. “You guys up for checking it out today?”
“Yeah, my shift at the Fairyland park ended an hour ago, so I’m good to go. You, Ricky?”
“Yep, I’ll text Esther and let her know.”
Even though they were only in the researching and planning stage, a glow of anticipation lit up in Ricky Matsui’s heart. The time to once again help and protect New York City from danger he could feel was fast approaching, and he could not wait to stand together with his fellow Heroes of New York to do so.
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really truly is so disheartening to be in a massage program (which in my state is considered a limited branch of medicine) and hear the way people in my program talk about other people in general/their clients for clinicals. the amount of really deeply mean things i've heard them say about people's weight and people w/ disabilities and trans people have specifically upset me so much. as well as general things about the way people smell/their bodies/people who are a little awkward or confused about the process/etc etc. anyways all of this culminated last week with the guy leading our clinicals making a rule that no one can come in for a massage more than twice, all because a girl with a disability has come in a handful of times and the people who have worked on her threw enough of a tantrum that our instructor just banned her from coming in but didn't even have enough of a spine to ban her specifically (obviously not that i think he should have done that either, but you know what i mean). i'm not going to get any more into the details, but they all got so viscerally angry about this girl 1) being disabled and 2) daring to get a massage and ALSO exercising autonomy over her own body (not wanting a full body massage and only wanting specific areas massaged). i'm just so grossed out and no one in our school would care even a little if i brought it to their attention and i cannot stand the idea that one day all of these people who were so foul about this girl for no goddamn reason are all going out into the world to work on clients every single day
i've tried rlly hard to form some friendships or at least camaraderie with the other students in my program because it’s a small program and we've all been through a lot together, but i'm down to having literally one person left in this program i have any respect for. it is so embarrassing to be in the same program as these people and i cannot wait for december so i can be done with it
#also i don't ever want to dissuade anyone from getting a massage. just rlly trust the vibe you get from someone#and don't be afraid to find a different massage therapist#personal
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Recently I have been going under a radical period of self discovery and it is just. Wild.
Idk I have been having a hard time digging into some stuff on my blog cuz of how personal my Path has become but I think that really it has nothing to do with my blog and more to do with the fact that I have a hard time talking about myself in general?? But I think I know why.
First and foremost, and definitely the biggest thing that I've been dealing with - I'm autistic. ASD. I am only recently discovering and exploring this.
I've always dealt with sensory issues and overstimulation - especially with sound - and I wasn't sure where it was coming from. If it weren't for this fact, I wouldn't have looked into this at all. But the fact of the matter is I'm sensitive, I get overstimulated, and it HAS to come from SOMEWHERE, right?
I looked into me being autistic once and did only surface level research and then kind of laughed it off. Then maybe 3 or so months ago I considered it more seriously and. Yeahhhhhhhhhh
Things just started to add up and click into place. I have other sensory issues and Textures that make me 😤 while I do think I was depressed at one point in my life, I think that most of my depression was actually Autistic Burnout. Actually, this graphic was MONUMENTAL for me realizing all of this in the first place:
One thing that I really struggled with though is that. I'm good at socialization? And have good social skills?? Like that's why I went the past 25 years without even considering this in the first place. But this leads me to what I've been dealing with for the past couple weeks: Maskingggg
Hooo boy. Turns out I am NOT good with social things. Or at least not as good as I thought. Like for example this is something I've known about for years and didn't think about: I don't know how to comfort people?? Like I literally had to GOOGLE how to comfort people, and things to do and say, and to this day I still do those things, albeit uncomfortably.
Turns out the biggest source of my anxiety is actually due to masking. I spent basically every single conversation/social situation thinking "what is the correct thing to say/do here?" A lot of it was figuring out the "correct" thing to do so that people don't get upset. Yeahhhh that's... not good. It took up SOO much of my energy. Like I did that all day/every day. Exhausting.
I've been working on unmasking lately, and it's crazy to see just how much I actually masked. Masking bad sounds/stimulation (shoving down those feelings), forcing myself to endure overstimulation, SMALL TALK (god I hate small talk sm), BURN OUT.
I mean I've been so ungodly busy for months. But I've been masking and pretending that everything is fine for a while. As soon as I dropped that facade and let me actually see/feel how burnt out I was, I immediately crashed alsksjdh I've called out the past two days at work. I needed it.
But here's the thing: figuring out that I'm autistic and learning exactly which ways I am has helped my life IMMENSELY. You can't fix or deal with a problem if you don't know what it is in the first place. Delving into all of this not only has given me more validation, but it's given me tools to navigate the world more healthily and also with more energy.
For example, overstimulation!! Now that I know what things cause overstimulation for me, I can avoid those things, and avoid that. Sometimes I can't avoid overstimulation, though - but that's okay! Now that I know I'm autistic, I've learned from other people how to deal with it - spending time in an understimulating environment and doing some special interest stuff.
Soo yeah. Honestly I could talk about this for hours - it's been a very big part of my life lately. But something that is interesting to think about with all of it that I might make another post about sometime is how I think that blends with my spirituality, and my Path.
One other thing I wanna mention that is veryy new that I don't have a whole lot of thoughts on yet but I need to get out somewhere - I think I'm non-binary??? Yeah okay this post has gone on long enough. I'll talk about that another time.
Anywho. If you're still reading this - I hope you have a wonderful night!! 🥰
Blessings!
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20 Fanfic Questions
Tagged by @bioticbooty (indirectly). Thank you!
Tagging @infiwrites, @ryqoshay and anyone else who feels so inclined!
How many works do you have on AO3?
99! Definitely hitting 100 by the end of the year ^_^
2. What's your total AO3 words count?
496,196
I'm 100% hitting half a mill by the end of the year, which is nuts to think about
3. What fandoms do you write for?
Lately it's been a lot of Project Sekai, but I still write some Love Live fic and the occasional one-off when a new fandom really grabs me.
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
Love Live! Nijigasaki Shipping Anthology - Exactly what it says on the tin. It's an anthology fic containing a single ~1000 word chapter for every possible Nijigasaki ship. I'm currently at 49/55 done!
Personal Choices - A Lycoris Recoil ChisaTaki fic. In fact, it was the third fic in the tag, written after episode 3 of the anime. The show went on to be fairly popular, and because I got in the tag early, it did some really good numbers.
Mutual Fantasies - Another LycoReco ChisaTaki fic, and this was the first smut fic in the tag, lol. Similar to above, it's done numbers by dint of being there first. (I do think it's pretty good, but certainly not my best work.)
A Sellout Night - A Bocchi the Rock NijiBocchi fic. Another case of a fandom being much bigger than my normal ones and thus giving bigger stats than typical. Tho I wrote for a slightly smaller ship, which makes me happier that it did well. I'm also pretty proud of it.
Leo/need Shipping Week - 2022 - Again, exactly what it says on the tin, lol. Because there are 4 members of Leo/need, there are six possible ships. Add a free day (aka, poly ship), and you've got a whole week! This was my first real time writing Project Sekai fic, and Leo/need wasn't nearly as popular back then. (They're still not the most popular, but the whole fandom is bigger.) Very proud of how this one turned out!
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
Absolutely! I love replying to comments. It just feels like the right thing to do? Like, someone took the time to leave a comment and tell me how my story made them feel! The least I could do is reply and let them know I saw it and that it was appreciated. And depending on the type of comment, I can sometimes talk about themes/motifs/motivations/etc. that I might not really get to talk about much otherwise.
6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
Honestly, not many of my fics end ansty? I'm very much a proponent of angst with a happy ending. I don't mind making my characters sad, but I want them to eventually be ok.
7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
Considering I live for fluff, happy endings are like 99% of my catalogue, lmao. But it's probably the 42k slow burn, Passion's Growth. The main leads spend years coming to understand the depths of their feelings for each other, and it was pretty satisfying to write them finally getting together.
8. Do you get hate on fics?
Haven't yet, no. I've gotten some weird comments, but no hate.
9. Do you write smut. If so what kind?
I do, yeah. I'm incapable of writing "quick" smut. Almost all of mine has at least a few thousand words of build up. I tend to write couples (or polycules on occasion) experiencing something new in bed. Whether it's literally their first time together or they're deciding to try something new, I just like exploring how that might play out.
10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?
Not really, no. I wrote a short Love Live/Project Sekai fic, but that's about it.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Don't believe so.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
I have! One in Spanish for sure (it's a related work on AO3), and I think two in Russian on a different site? (They asked for permission, I just never saw the end result.)
13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?
Once, with some friends over a decade ago (on ffnet (hi @bioticbooty, lol)). Honestly, it didn't get very far off the ground before we all kind of dropped it. It was really hard to juggle between the four of us, and while I did enjoy it at the end of the day, I don't think I'll ever do it again. Not really for me.
14. What's your all-time favourite ship?
God, this one's hard, lmao. Recency bias would have me say Setsuna/Ayumu from Love Live, but I think if I'm being truly honest with myself, I think it'd have to be Shepard/Garrus from Mass Effect.
15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?
I guess I could say my old ME self-insert, but honestly, I don't even want to finish it anymore. That fic is well and truly dead. Besides that, I make it a point not to start a fic unless I feel confident I can finish it.
16. What are your writing strengths?
Dialogue and inner monologue.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Descriptive prose. I've been trying to get better at it, but it's a slow process.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?
Eh, no real thoughts. If it makes sense to do, do it. Otherwise I don't see much of a point.
19. First fandom you wrote for?
Mass Effect.
20. Favourite fic you've ever written?
You're gonna make me pick just one???
I think I'll pick When Everything Changes. This was the first long fic I wrote after almost 10 years of not writing much at all. After a series of oneshots, writing (and finishing) this fic made me really feel like I was back. Not to mention that it has some of my favorite hurt/comfort, smut, and angst, all in a single chapter! And in that order, too! I often joke that it's my masterpiece, but taken in the traditional sense of "a work that proves one has the skills to become a master," it kind of fits.
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𝘒𝘕𝘖𝘞𝘐𝘕𝘎 𝘠𝘖𝘜𝘙 𝘗𝘈𝘙𝘛𝘕𝘌𝘙 𝘞𝘌𝘓𝘓 𝘊𝘈𝘕 𝘗𝘖𝘛𝘌𝘕𝘛𝘐𝘈𝘓𝘓𝘠 𝘔𝘈𝘒𝘌 𝘞𝘙𝘐𝘛𝘐𝘕𝘎 𝘛𝘖𝘎𝘌𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙 𝘈 𝘓𝘖𝘛 𝘌𝘈𝘚𝘐𝘌𝘙.
Name:
Cella
Pronouns:
She/Her
Preference of communication:
I prefer Discord. Tumblr's IM system is spotty as hell and most of the times does not update for me. Especially on mobile, which is where I'm at most of my days, because of my work schedule being all over the place.
I'm willing to exchange Discord handles if people ask for it.
Name of muse(s):
Active: Vladimir, Vayne (In process of re-making blog theme and sorting out archives)
Inactive: Kalista, Karthus, Thresh, Illaoi, Swain, Veigar, Scarlet (LoL OC), Emperor Mateus (FFII), WoL (FFXIV OC), Erza Scarlet (Fairy Tail)
Experience / How long (Months/Years?):
Oh man, I lost track of that stuff. I've been in the League rpc since before the lore reboot, back when we still had summoners and the Institute of War and the single circular-like continent.
And before that I've been in other fandoms. I'd say, including ttrpg rping I've been at this game for over 20 years now (yes I am OLD)
I've used Tumblr, Skype, Discord, MSN Messenger, PlayByWeb among others as mediums.
Best experience:
I can go over the various specific threads and interactions that are close to my heart. But I really think that the lasting friendships I've build with past and present partners to be my best experiences.
To meet so many different flavours of people, with their own lives and interests and stories, and become a part of their life (and vice versa) is what matters more to me than whatever rp-ing does.
RP pet peeves / dealbreakers:
I'd like to think that I'm fairly easy-going as a writing partner. But, like anyone, I do have some lines I do not cross.
Aged-up canon muses are a big no-no for me. I've had horrible and unpleasant experiences both personally and in fandoms with those. i.e. Annie is a child and someone rp-ing a young adult version of her just creeps me out, because obvious reasons are obvious. I adhere very strictly to the canon ages of canon characters, especially since Riot gave us an actual timeline to work with, or at least moderately accurately deduct dates with.
As far as pet peeves there is actually only one I can think of right now, my muses not being taken seriously and being ridiculed and made silly or memed at.
This has happened to Vlad a few times and I just hard-pull the plug on interactions if it happens. He's a 1500+ year old homicidal tactical-thinking bloodmage, who is bored out of his mind most of the time. The fact he may crack a joke or two, or act aloof at times, does not mean he will not turn your muse inside out when insulted.
This does not mean, in any way, he is unavailable for more casual interactions, but there is a very fine line between casual talk dare I say banter and downright memeing on him, and pushing him around.
Luckily this has not happened in a long while, but it is something I can be sensitive on.
Muse preferences fluff, angst or smut:
Angst > fluff > smut; though it can change depending on vibe and muses.
Smut is something I rarely post publicly or write with someone else. I become extremely self-aware of my writing and over-analyse each and every word to the point it can take literal weeks until I come up with a reply that I do not want to gouge my eyes out at.
Angst works wonders for my singular brain cell that thrives on it.
Fluff is something that does not often happen, especially with my selection of muses. But it can be nice every once in a while.
Plots of memes:
I can work with both. I don't mind plotting at all, but I prefer to not plot every little step out of an interaction between two muses. I like to be surprised by a partner's muse's reaction or response. And it feels a lot more natural, because there is always a certain level of compromises when it comes to plotting.
Memes are a perfect ice-breaker as opposed to a first-meeting interaction (because let's face it, those can be pretty boring if it falls down to 'hi my name is x, who are you?') It makes us writers think out of the box slightly to have our dumbass children play together.
Long or short replies:
It depends on the setting for the interaction. But I try to at least go for several paragraphs to give my partner something to work with and also offer development for both muses and give insight into mine's thoughts and actions.
I'll never expect to be matched in length and will never fault someone for this either.
Best time to write:
Since I work in three different shifts, which alternates per week, my activity hours shift a lot. So my 'best time' to write also changes. It mainly depends on a mood to write, especially with a manchild like Vlad as a muse.
Are you like your muse(s)?:
Somewhat? I share some interests and personality qualities with my muses, for sure. But I wouldn't say I am a lot like them per se.
Tagged by: @blackrosesmatron
Tagging: Anyone that hasn't done this yet and wants to do it. Consider yourself tagged!
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