#but i personally think she's one of the reasons taylor has long been so afraid that if she asked anything of people she respects
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So when I heard Joni Mitchell’s title song Blue, a portion of the 1st verse made me wonder how much it made me think about how tattoos as an art has been expressed throughout different generations. “Songs are like tattoos/You know I've been to sea before/Crown and anchor me/Or let me sail away/Hey Blue/And there is a song for you/Ink on a pin/Underneath the skin/An empty space to fill in…” In music, lol, Jagger & Iggy in contrast look so bare in comparison. The tales & meanings are intriguing.
(and of course joni had influence on both taylor and harry, the fingerprints of which are all over things they've done!) joni being a poetic lyricist resonates and has affected many artists to this day in their own approaches to writing.
i am sure many people have gotten those lyrics tattooed on them, and countless others of hers. i see taytoos and h tattoos (he has quite the collection of his own) all the time too. in fact, i doubt there's any impactful artist or celebrity or character one could choose who hasn't been inked onto someone's skin! it's become such an expression of indelible connection and feeling, for people to feel close to things they love and carry that along with them.
The tales & meanings are intriguing. true always!
#interestingly joni's been very supportive of h#but i personally think she's one of the reasons taylor has long been so afraid that if she asked anything of people she respects#she'll be rejected/turned away/ridiculed#which was very clear in her surprise that aaron/the national/justin vernon embraced her so quickly and unequivocally#and it...makes me sad. fandom's talked about this i know but.#and for me personally i could never do that to a younger person who admired me if i was in that position i'd just want to hold them up!#the early stages of taylor's career were a rollercoaster#irrelevant tags#anonymous#letterbox
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I've never made any connections between Worm and the Captain America mythos before. Spill some ink?
Okay, so from a purely aesthetic perspective, the gimme is Miss Militia. She's the most obvious "Captain Patriotic" in the roster, she has the power of GUN, she's the only one who actively buys into the mythology of America specifically. She's a Kurdish woman occupying an aesthetic niche generally held by a rugged squinty white guy. She's an output of the melting pot narrative. She's sort of a rendering of what a grounded superhero who somehow became very aesthetically into America might look like. Not in the craven marketing-driven way of Homelander or Comedian, not in the jingoistic maniac way of USAgent or Peacemaker. She buys it in the broadly left-liberal (USamerican connotation of that term) safe, friendly, reclamative way. Why, what a great rehabilitation of the archetype!
She's also deeply, deeply afraid of rocking the boat. She's got a deepseated childhood trauma related to the bad things that happen when she puts herself in a leadership role. She goes along to get along. When she's proactive, it's usually to point a gun at Tattletale to stop her from upsetting the status quo. She sits through a lot of situations where Steve Rogers, as commonly modeled, would probably plant himself like a tree by the river of truth and go, "Hey, this is fucked up." She more or less capitulates to Undersider domination of the city, in a way that predisposes us to think of her as a voice of reason after all these total nuts that Skitter's been up against- but would Taylor "to relinquish control is a form of ego death" Hebert really be willing to leave someone in charge of the local Protectorate branch who she thought couldn't be corralled? She looks like a beacon, but doesn't- indeed, probably can't- ever truly behave like one. I mean, you can debate the on-the-spot morality of any given one of her judgement calls, that's actually one of the less exhausting Worm Morality Debates to have- but in aggregate, a person in American flag garb who actually meaningfully criticizes the paramilitary organization they're part of is not gonna survive long in that role!
So again, she's the gimme from an aesthetic standpoint. But what I don't really see a lot of discussion of is how Cauldron plays into the riff.
Captain America is institutional, but in a comically morally uncomplicated way. The serum was originally mana from heaven, granted to a living saint, conveniently divorced from any nitty-gritty sausage-making process and even-more conveniently divorced from the horrible consequences of giving the, uh, the U.S government a replicable super soldier process. And in fairness to Captain America, this is 100 percent something the overall mythos eventually patched to my satisfaction; the sausage-making process eventually revealed as prototypical government fuckery driven by human experimentation on black servicemen, the overall Marvel Setting littered with failed attempts by the U.S. Government to recreate that golden goose so they can have their fun new jackboots. (In Ultimate Marvel, this is how almost all contemporary superhumans were created, and this is a state of affairs with a body count in the millions or billions.)
Cauldron draws you in with the same noble rhetoric about greater goods, the same one-off proprietary irreplicable formula- but you don't get the luxury afterwards of representing nothing but the dream. You aren't partnering up with a plucky crank scientist with a heart of gold. You're selling your soul to an organization with an agenda. The narrative makes no bones about the fact that everything you do is fundamentally tainted by the fact you opted into an end product created through torture, kidnapping and human experimentation. You don't get to pull a Kamen Rider by going rogue or opting out or making good use of the fruit of the poisoned tree; you are owned, and everything you do has this Damocles sword hanging over your head- when are the people who bankrolled this going to come to collect?
So that's the question of "who would willingly dress like that" covered, and the question of who creates a serum like that. What about the question of who takes a serum like that? I'd argue that Eidolon is the examination of that. Pre-Cauldron David reads to me like pre-serum Steve Rogers viewed through a significantly bleaker lens. They're both sickly kids desperate to serve, rocketed to the pinnacle of human capability by an experimental procedure. But for Steve Rogers, the crisis was that he had a specific vision of the world and was frustrated by his inability to carry it out. Before the serum he picked fights over what was right and wrong and got his ass handed to him; afterwards he picked those same fights and just started winning instead. The serum neatly solved a problem he had, and to the extent that his mindset is influenced by his pre-serum experiences, it's generally constructive; a desire to protect the weak, help the helpless, an appreciation for people who stand up for what's right even when they're clearly gonna get pancaked for their trouble. So ultimately there's no dark side, downside, or underlying neurosis ascribed to his initial impulse to take that serum.
But with David, it's not a tragic case of the spirit being willing but the flesh being weak. He isn't a preternaturally-noble soul, out to represent the best elements of the American ideal- he kind of represents the inverse, a guy who's been failed at every level while utterly convinced that he's the problem. He's actively suicidal because he's a wheelchair-bound epileptic in an economically-depressed socially-backwards rural town in the 1980s, and he's spent his 18 years of life internalizing the idea that he's worse than useless unless he can somehow find a way provide value to something larger than himself. Doctor Mother finds him in the aftermath of a suicide attempt spurred by his rejection from the army- and he didn't even want to join the army specifically, necessarily, he just needed his situation to be literally anything else, and he took what he thought he could get. And then he finds himself in a position to become a superhero, so he does that, molds himself into that, subordinates himself to that, builds his entire sense of self and values around the value he can provide in that role. No grand design or sacred principles carried over through the metamorphosis. Just relief at finally, finally having something that looks like an answer to the question of what he's supposed to do.
And you know, you know that if Steve Rogers was facing down the barrel of being depowered, he'd smile and nod, he'd Cincinnatus that shit. It's happened before. But for David, the emotional trauma and self-worth issues that caused him to roll the dice on a Steve-Rogers treatment never really went away. When would it? He's been Providing Value as a ten-ton Hammer Against Evil for thirty years. No family, no social life. Certainly, no incentive on his handler's part to lance his Atlas complex. So he barrels towards atrocity in the name of remaining useful. Admittedly, this is where the comparison breaks down in a significant way; Captain America is much more of a symbol than he is an irreplicable powerhouse, so it's not catastrophic if he's taken off the board. Eidolon is so unbelievably powerful that his myopia and self-centeredness actually do align with a real problem everyone else is gonna have if he loses his powers. But in terms of the starting points- I think that Steve Rogers embodies the myth about why you'd want to join the army that badly. Eidolon is, I think, much more closely modelling why you'd actually want to join the army that badly.
#apologies for the delay in responding#worm#wildbow#parahumans#worm meta#eidolon#thoughts#meta#miss militia
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True Blue ˗ˏˋ ♡ ˎˊ˗
parings; reader x ex-girlfriend ellie
about; reader seeking therapy to help with the pain of ending a relationship with ex partner (ellie)
word count: 0.75k
proofread: no
inspired by the songs 'hoax' by taylor swift
'birthday cake' by dylan conrique
and 'true blue' by billie eilish
ִֶָ 𓂃⊹ ִֶָ ·
“are there any things you wish you had done differently in the relationship?” your therapist asks you in a calming and welcoming voice as she interlocks her fingers and crosses her legs with her notepad laying down next to her where she's sitting.
“i see her in everything, i just.. i've been with her for so long that i even see her in myself…” you say, trying to gather words that explain exactly how you feel, “without her here, i just... i just feel like.. nothing...” you add, trying to keep your feelings contained.
“people say everything happens for a reason.. but why this? i just don't understand..” you say as you start to feel a lump form in your throat.
“it might take a while for you to realize why this event has occurred, but in the future, you might realize so much. you might realize it was the right person, but at the wrong time. or you might realize that it was the wrong person, and that person came into your life to teach you a lesson, and make you stronger.” your therapist says comforting you.
flashback to last night--
“give me a reason, give me a fucking reason” you screamed at the top of your lungs as you stood on the empty midnight sandy beach.
you experienced a sense of euphoria and liberation, yet at the same time, you experienced feelings of loneliness and deprivation, as if you were trapped within your own depressed and hopeless thoughts.
“i can't handle this pain anymore, it hurts.." you cried out as you sat down in the damp sand and buried your face in the palms of your hands, and salty tears fell down out of your melancholic eyes.
back into present time--
“she made me feel comfortable in my own skin, and I wasn't ready to give her up. I don't think I will ever be,” you say as your face starts to turn a little lour.
“I lost a piece of myself when I lost her,” you speak quietly, attempting to keep back the tears that threaten to spill from your eyes.
“it’s okay to feel like this during or after a breakup. it’s totally normal. This feeling will go away. give it time and what’s meant to happen will happen.” your therapist says softly as she takes notes in her notebook.
“love is a fool's game, i don't understand why i continue to play it.” you speak quietly.
“falling in love is a common phenomenon that everyone undertakes. everybody experience's love. in every aspect there is love.” your therapist responds to you, reassuring you. “do you think you could try communicating with her and telling her your true feelings about this situation?” your therapist adds, trying to help you build up the courage.
“when you see the moon, do you recall how she informed you that she loves you there and back?” your therapist asks, “im sure she might want to hear how you feel, and she might in all probability want to make sense of how she feels about the circumstance too.” she adds
“i really want to tell her how I feel, yet im scared by what could happen, think about how possible it is that she can't summon the energy to care.” you say in a slightly worried tone
“no one can really tell what could occur, don't be afraid. fearfulness could get you far from so many remarkable things that might have been possible” your therapist responds in a comforting tone.
“i'll talk to her tomorrow straightaway.” you say in a voice that hints you are starting to develop confidence in your position in the situation.
“i should be on my way home now, it's almost 10.” you say as you glance at the clock.
“okay, i'll see you tomorrow at 9:00” your therapist says in a calm voice as she gets up from her seat and strolls over to open the entryway and let you exit
after you arrive home--
as you start making your way down to the bathroom to take a shower and get settled, you get a text message.
---
Today 10:09 Ellie: i'm sorry for how i ended things, can we meet up at our favorite cafe tomorrow morning?
-════════ ⋆★⋆ ════════-
PART TWOOO??? also
also im writing this at like 4am, so go easy on me if its bad <33
#ellie the last of us#ellie tlou#ellie williams#the last of us#the last of us part 2#ellie x reader#tlou#tlou part 2#ellie williams tlou#tlou ellie#ellie x fem reader#the last of us part ii#the last of us part two#hhayden222#ミ★#ellie williams x female reader#ellie williams x you#ellie williams x reader
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The Gaylor Issue: An Attempt at Nuance from a Very Tired Queer
I feel like the Gaylor issue is so divisive and polarizing in the Swiftie fandom. I want to make space for nuance, acceptance, and a more relaxed conversation. And I want to make space for fans who don’t fit on either extreme end of the issue.
On one side, you have diehard Gaylors who insist that Taylor is OBVIOUSLY gay and that all her “boyfriends,” including Joe, have been beards. See also: Kaylor, Swiftgron, etc.
On the other side, you have the people who insist that Gaylors are delusional, her relationship with Joe is real, and Taylor is nothing more than an ally to the LGBTQ community. Side note: I really dislike the term “hetlor” because a) it feels mean and gross when said in a demeaning way, and b) believing she’s straight is the default so I feel like giving them their own term is in the realm of “straight pride.”
Sprinkled between these camps are the people who say stuff like, “It’s weird and gross to speculate about real people’s sexuality. Taylor is a private person and it isn’t our place to talk about her love life.” Or, “Speculating about people’s queerness is bad because it forces people out of the closet before they’re ready.” Which is very kind.
I feel like I don’t fit into either of these three groups.
Saying “Taylor’s relationship with Joe is fake” feels really dismissive of bisexuality. Bi people are the biggest segment of the LGBTQ community and somehow it seems like people forget they exist because they float in that middle ground. When we view the world through binaries, bi people seem like they’re full of contradictions. But, like all people, bi people just contain multitudes.
Saying Taylor is straight seems downright ridiculous, at least to me. The most obvious, “no heterosexual explanation for this” pieces of evidence are: the song Paris, the lyric “I swear you could hear a hairpin drop,” the 13 in northern Michigan in the Lavender Haze music video, and the idea that gay pride “makes me ME.” Here are some things I believe to be true: 1) If Taylor Swift were straight, she’d be too good of an ally to queerbait, and 2) Taylor Swift is too smart/well-read to make queer references accidentally.
The thing about the “don’t speculate about her personal life” argument is that speculating about Taylor Swift’s personal life pays her bills. Yes, she’s making and selling art. But she has chosen a life in the spotlight. She has consciously decided to sell her [personhood, brand, name, soul, whatever you want to call it]. She has chosen NOT to “take the money and her dignity and get the hell out.” She COULD choose the rose garden over Madison Square. But every day, she chooses not to. On the one hand, this “don’t speculate” argument is very noble. But there’s some part of me that wonders if the folks in this camp see themselves as potential future friends of Taylor and think that being speculative ruins their chances at that, ruins their chances of attending a secret session, etc. It’s sweet and kind AND it feels a little “pick me.” Here are some things I believe to be true: 1) If Taylor Swift were straight, she wouldn’t be offended that people think she is queer. 2) If Taylor Swift is queer, she’s not offended that people think she is queer.
And then there’s this weird, in-between camp that I fall into. Personally, I think Taylor Swift is a queer woman who is currently in a legitimate, long term relationship with her boyfriend Joe Alwyn. Do I think that she had relations of some kind with Karlie Kloss? Yeah, probably! Do I think that she is afraid to come out for fear of outing past lovers? Yeah, probably! Do I think she is afraid to come out for fear of alienating part of her fanbase? Yeah, probably! Do I think she is afraid to come out because she feels like her current relationship with a man will “delegitimize” her queerness? Definitely.
I want a label for people who have this opinion, because I see SO much hatred toward “Gaylors” from “Hetlors” and vice versa. I feel like I have a nuanced, reasonable, rational take on the situation. And I want to be able to communicate this nuanced take with a label.
Here are my suggestions.
Nuance Gaylor
Pro-Joe Gaylor
We Contain Multitudes Gaylor
Gaylor (Joe’s Version)
Please don’t be mad at me Gaylor
Anyway, thank you for reading this. Please feel free to chime in but please don’t send me hate mail.
#gaylor#taylor swift#kaylor#swifties#queer#lgbtq#bi#gay#feminism#gaylor swift#karlie kloss#joe alwyn
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We Are Reputation
Or, An Argument For The Reformation of Community Subculture
Two Days Ago The Tortured Poets Department for Taylor Swift dropped. I have friends who like Taylor Swift. I have friends who love her. I’ve tried to explain to them what this album makes me feel and the more commentary I see online from Twitter, Threads, TT… I feel like, while no one needs my opinion, I want to say it online. So this post is going to be long. If you don’t want to read it, if you don’t care, scroll away. It’s anonymous, because at the end of the day, I doubt I’ll come back to this blog.
I've shifted between posting or deleting for days. This is not very well edited. It's mostly rambling and I understand that. Some points may be connected vaguely. It might seem like I'm contradicting myself. It's messy and raw, and I'm just tired. But if I’m going to do it at all. I’m going to do this as right as I can.
Thus it’s in the form of an academic essay. Unlike other Academic essays, it is not riddled with an intense amount of quotes or sources. This is an opinion piece. But I think for the sake of the TTPD release, the structure is very… fitting.
Introduction (I.E. the TLDR for those of you who don’t understand how an academic paper is structured)
Taylor Allison Swift, has been Taylor Swift (capital T, capital S, with the TM brand symbol) since the age of 16 years old. She has gone through a cycle of expectations three times, and now she is tired. She is begging her fans to listen, and many of them refuse to do so. She is capable of creating great art with great vulnerability, we as fans are no longer equipped to handle it. Ultimately there is a chance that she is afraid of shaping her own ability, because of us. The only way we as a fandom can change is if we redefine our community now before it’s too late. And if she stops after album 13 it will not because she does not want to, it will be because we have destroyed her.
Taylor Swift (TM)
For those who are reading this, and have made it thus far, chances are you know who Taylor Swift is. Whether that means you know where she grew up (Christmas Tree Farm), when she moved to Nashville (14), the names of her cats, her mother’s medical history, secret sessions, VMAs, easter eggs, accidents, eating disorders, a myriad of too many details that we know about a person we have never met, and the loves of her life. Whether this is friends or relationships, you probably know, all of their names. How each one came and went in her life. Through songs and through tabloids, screaming her name, screaming their names, trying to defend her honor when the world calls her childish for only singing about the heartbreak. You know. Thus, this message is to you: for all you know about Taylor Swift, have you stopped to think of who Taylor Swift is? Truly? Not projecting your own thoughts onto her. How using your long list of check boxes and check marks and “I’ve been here this long and I’m a better fan because I know this much.” Have you, do you, know her? Because I don’t.
When I got my first iPod in 2006, I had five songs on it that I bought with my own money: Thnks fr th Mmrs, Umbrella, Fergilicious, Our Song, and Tear Drops on My Guitar. In 2008 I had my who family memorize the lyrics to YBWM because we listened to it too often. I saw the 2009 VMAs happen live on television. In 2010 I was screaming Mean in the shower when I had no reason to; I was happy. In 2012, I got my choir to sing a mashup of IKYWT. In 2014, I was racing down the aisles of Target at Midnight to get 1989. I was a bystander during Snakegate. I was sitting in my car in 2017 reading potentially my favorite prologue I’ve ever seen. Then I was subsequently let down by the album as a whole. I was likewise disappointed in 2019. When Folklore came out, it was the first album I ever sent to my non-tailor swift friends. They loved it. I did it again with Evermore. Midnights came out and I sat in my living room with my brother and his girlfriend, screaming, talking, the first listen party I ever had where it was not just me alone. When TTPD came out, I was alone again.
Don’t come for me and say I’m not a real fan. It’s okay to admit disappointment. I never expected her to change to my will, however. I never yelled about it online. I simply accepted that it wasn’t for me and moved on, waiting to hear the next thing to see if it was. I stood by her, not because I loved her or I idolized her, but because I resonated with her, and sometimes that resonating wasn’t perfect but I accepted that.
Or maybe do call me a fake fan. I really don’t care what you think of me. I just need you to know that I’ve seen this. I know this. I know what you know, if not more. But all the same, despite me reading the tabloids, reading the magazines, having the posters, listening to all the music, I have never thought I actually knew Taylor Swift. And yet…
There are people online right now, being critical about this album. Some say it sounds bland, the same as what has come before but not as electric and ground breaking. Some say she needs an editor. Others say she is trying to recreate catching lightning in a bottle and failing. There are those online who are giving the paternity tests to the songs right now, proving to me that you never bothered to actually read, let alone understand what TS is saying to you.
You were too focused on “If I only hung out with my female friends, people couldn’t sensationalize or sexualize that-right? I would learn later on that people could and people would.” That you MISSED: “I had become the target of slut-shaming-the intensity and relentlessness of which would be criticized and called out if it happened today. The jokes about my amount of boyfriends. The trivialization of my songwriting as if it were a predatory act of a boy crazy psychopath, The media co-signing this narrative. I had to make it stop because it was starting to really hurt. / It became clear to me that for me there was no such thing as casual dating, or even having a male friend who you platonically hand out with. If I was seen with him, it was assumed I was sleeping with him. And so I swore off hanging out with guys, dating, flirting, or anything that could be weaponized against me by a culture that claimed to believe in liberating women but consistently treated me with the harsh moral codes of the victorian era.”
Go reread the Reputation prologue for me real quick. Or actually better yet, here:
Here’s something I’ve learned about people.
We think we know someone, but the truth is that we only know the version of them they have chosen to show us. We know our friend in a certain light, but we don't know them the way their lover does. Just the way their lover will never know them the same way that you do as their friend. Their mother knows them differently than their roommate, who knows them differently than their colleague. Their secret admirer looks at them and sees an elaborate sunset of brilliant color and dimension and spirit and pricelessness. And yet, a stranger will pass that person and see a faceless member of the crowd, nothing more. We may hear rumors about a person and believe those things to be true. We may one day meet that person and feel foolish for believing baseless gossip.
This is the first generation that will be able to look back on their entire life story documented in pictures on the internet, and together we will all discover the after-effects of that. Ultimately, we post photos online to curate what strangers think of us. But then we wake up, look in the mirror at our faces and see the cracks and scars and blemishes, and cringe. We hope someday we'll meet someone who will see that same morning face and instead see their future, their partner, their forever. Someone who will still choose us even when they see all of the sides of the story, all the angles of the kaleidoscope that is you.
The point being, despite our need to simplify and generalize absolutely everyone and everything in this life, humans are intrinsically impossible to simplify. We are never just good or just bad. We are mosaics of our worst selves and our best selves, our deepest secrets and our favorite stories to tell at a dinner party, existing somewhere between our well-lit profile photo and our drivers license shot. We are all a mixture of our selfishness and generosity, loyalty and self-preservation, pragmatism and impulsiveness. I've been in the public eye since I was 15 years old.
On the beautiful, lovely side of that, I've been so lucky to make music for living and look out into crowds of loving, vibrant people. On the other side of the coin, my mistakes have been used against me, my heartbreaks have been used as entertainment, and my songwriting has been trivialized as 'oversharing'.
When this album comes out, gossip blogs will scour the lyrics for the men they can attribute to each song, as if the inspiration for music is as simple and basic as a paternity test.
There will be slideshows of photos backing up each incorrect theory, because it's 2017 and if you didn't see a picture of it, it couldn't have happened right?
Let me say it again, louder for those in the back...
We think we know someone, but the truth is that we only know the version of them that they have chosen to show us.
There will be no further explanation
There will be just reputation.
You don’t know Taylor Swift. It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve read her lyrics and you’re sure. I don’t want to hear another person say “She’s giving us her diary.” She is curating it. Editing it. She is a poet. She is shaping her image into exactly what she wants it to be. She is showing us the worst parts of herself on purpose, because it feels as if she is tired of hiding the full maltifaceted person that she is.
However, she is a marketing genius. She is a billionaire. She is not the girl next door, your very best friend, the girl you’d give your kidney to. You don’t know her. You don’t know anything about her relationships other than what she says on her songs — and the tabloids that are like 90% wrong anyway. We only know what she is giving us, analyzing the lyrics and coming up with more incorrect conclusions than correct. You don’t know her. You only know her reputation.
And every time you chant. Reputation! Reputation at her concerts, in the comments, in the theories, the more feral you are over it, the more you prove her point. At this point, it feels like people care more about her reputation than her. And it seems as if she’s tired of explaining it to us, because all we care about is the show. “Breaking down, I hit the floor. / All the pieces of me shattered / as the crowd was chanting “more!” (TTPD, ICDIWABH)
The Cycles of Hate
We all know the story of reputation. Snakegate. Kanye. Kim. The social media blackout. The comeback of a century. The KYS. I wish Taylor Swift was Dead. She’s just a bitch. I knew she couldn’t be trusted.
Fun fact. That was Taylor Swift after 1989. Taylor Swift during the Era’s tour could eat that Taylor for breakfast. Her fame is astronomically bigger, full on universal. If you didn’t know this, IDK where you’ve been, but it’s the truth. We’ve seen her grow from that It Girl Popstar. To THE Generation defining popstar. Taylor Swift was named Artist of the Decade for the 2010s because she was the artist of the decade. And to the haters out there, this post is not meant for you. I don’t want to hear it. You can in fact walk down the street and start the song Love Story and people will know the song. Even in other countries. People know Taylor Swift (TM).
In the cycle of popstars, newer shiny popstars often replace the older ones. And Taylor Swift, one day, will be no exception. The difference is, unlike most of those other women and men— I’d dare to say that none have gone through the torment that Taylor Swift has. In 2009, after the VMAs, the world turned against Taylor. Publicly and through the media, people were criticizing Kanye West. But Taylor said herself that she thought people were booing her on the stage. There were think pieces about how she ‘wasn’t good actually.’ This is when the true hate train began for Taylor Swift. The: she only writes about love and boys. The: she dates too many of them. The: she doesn’t write her own songs (even though her whole brand was built on it). When Taylor Swift released Speak Now, it included the song Long Live. Based on the lyrics, Taylor thought this album could be the end of her career. “Will you take a moment? / Promise me this / That you’ll stand by me forever / But if God forbid fat should step in / And force us into a goodbye / If you have children someday / When they point to the pictures / Please tell them my name.”
I like to tell my friends that I see Taylor Swift has having three cycles in her career so far. We are living in the third. This isn’t based on music genre, completely. Because for argument sake, Taylor has touched on many subgenera. But it is based on Main Genre, and the cycle of vitriol towards Taylor Swift —i.e.l over saturation.
Cycle 1: Debut - Red; Country
Cycle 2: 1989 - Lover ; Pop
Cycle 3: Folklore - TTPD; Folk/Folk Pop
The Cycle goes as follows: Taylor Swift has massive world breaking success after catching lightning in a bottle. People get outraged. She has to respond, in order to defend herself. The world gets more angry and irritated. TS is everywhere. There are horrible things being said online, everywhere in every way. People want her to DISAPPEAR. She writes an album for herself, and the fans cherish it. Then she says, it’s time for something new. The Cycle repeats.
To most, non-fans, that I have met or seen online. They seem to agree that Taylor has only ever had three “good” albums: Fearless, 1989, Folklore. What do all three have in common? They were smash successes. Before Midnights, they were the only three that won AOTY. People around the world know their songs. She has been given critical acclaim for them by people who don’t listen to Taylor Swift. They are all sonically cohesive. They are all lyrically creative, and musically engaging. And, most importantly, they were genre defining (at least for her).
I ignore Debut here, because Debut was her setting the ground work, and while Debut and Fearless are similar and close, it was not Debut that started the cycle. Debut started her career. For this reason, Debut classifies as an Album 0. It is the album zero, ground zero by which the whole cycle was built.
In the Cycle that I’ve defined, after the smash success for Album 1, there is a string of vitriol and some sort of incident. She then writes an album response either to it, or about it, trying to prove herself as an artist and that she deserves what she has and where she is: Speak Now, Reputation, Midnights. Each one of these albums are Taylor Writing to prove herself, as being allowed to exist, and create art, her snapping back in some way. This may be the most esoteric in regards to Midnights, but the concept is the same. The big vitriol after Folklore/Evermore was that she could write deep songs, but not deep pop songs. So she made a concept album about the sleepless nights of her past and made an anthology of well crafted lyrics and considerations, thoughts and prayers, and proved she could do it. Midnights shouldn’t have gotten AOTY. It was good, a world wide smash success, but that’s because she has a bigger fan base no than she did years ago. It wasn’t lightning in a bottle. It wasn’t genre defining. It was a good pop album. But ultimately, Midnights is an Album 2, it is a continuation.
Now many people may say, but Evermore was the album after Folklore. It wasn’t. It was written at the same time as Folklore. She didn’t have time to process anything. It is, for all intents and purposes, a double drop with Folklore. The two are one, the same mindset. Midnights was different.
In the case of Album 2 it is, or was, always a failure. Before Midnights, at least, with both reputation and Speak Now, even though she poured her heart out and made excellent music, and yet for some reason it did not receive the same accolades or awards — or maybe was even ignored by the general public. She did not catch lightning in a bottle again. I would argue this is the same for Midnights, but the difference is that her fan base is so much larger than it was before.
Now, after Album 2, there is always the ramp up. The actual over saturation. It grows and grows and grows and the world begins to fully hate Taylor Swift. Yes, I know Snakegate had everyone turn against her, but look at the way people said things to her during the Lover era. Once again she thought it was the end after Reputation, that her career was over. Red, Lover, and TTPD are Album 3s, or the “this one is for the fans” album as the fans like to say. The “You don’t get it because you don’t understand Taylor like I do, album.” The Album Taylor writes for herself. Red was the only breakup album. The heart wrench album. The sing it and scream it in your car album. Lover was, at the time, unapologetically, a be you album. The be in love, be happy, it’s okay to be “me” album. TTPD is the I’m falling apart, please see me album. It is the I’m going to have to be okay on my own album. The I’ve healed and move on from this part of my life, but you don’t know me, album. And each and every time general society says it is not great, fans say that they simply don’t understand it because they’re not fans.
Rinse Repeat.
Album 1: The Critical, Genre Smash Success. Album 2: Is the Critically overlooked Concept Album. Album 3 is the: This one is for the “Fans” (herself), Album that is critically panned.
Dear Reader
Right quick, go reread the lyrics for dear reader for me. Follow that up with YOYOK and ICDIWABH. Come back to me when you’re done. Good? Let’s go.
Are you listening yet? Are you hearing her yet? Taylor Swift fans are realizing this now, but TTPD was written for Taylor and it was written for us. The fans. We don’t know her. We don’t know her life. She is begging us, on her knees. Crying to us. She is messy. She is far from perfect. She makes bad choices. She is not a good person. She is simply a person and she is asking us to stop the idol worship.
“Please. / I’ve been on my knees. / Change the prophecy. / Don’t want money. / Just someone who wants my company. / Let it once be me. / Who do I have to speak to. / About if they can redo. / The prophecy?”
And you may say, but that song is about love. It is. It’s about us. The greatest love Taylor has ever known. She said that. To us, at the Eras tour. We are the longest relationship she’s ever had. We’ve been there with her through the good and the bad. The ugly and the sad. The beautiful and the change.
“You, who saw that I reinvent myself for a million reasons. And that one of them is to try my very best to entertain you. You, who have had the grace to allow me the freedom to change.” (1989 TV)
But are we?
“This is a story about coming into your own. And as a result… coming alive. I hope you know that you’ve given me the courage to change. I hope you know that who you are is who you choose to be, and that whispers behind your back don’t define you. You are the only one who gets to decide what you will be remembered for.” (1989)
What is the legacy we are currently leaving behind for her?
“I want to be remembered for the things that I love, not the things that I hate, not the things that I’m afraid of, not the things that haunt me in the middle of the night. I just think, you are what you love.” (Daylight, Lover)
Stop and think. For a moment. Every time we bring those men up. We bring the possible relationships up. We bring the heartache up. We attack the people online. When we hold her to impossible beauty standards, and impossible moral standards. We speculate and wonder and question… yes, there is a level of media literacy that comes from asking these questions. But there is a vocal majority, a large subsection of people online who are doing it again. Who are asking when she’s going to get married and have babies. Who are trying to burn Joe or Matty or Harry or any of the other boys before to the ground. Who are taking us back to 2012, the “she only writes about hs and heartbreak.” The fans who hang on her every word, every breath, and aren’t allowing her to change.
Taylor Swift (TM) has always been about change. But how many times have you seen or heard people scream, “this isn’t like folklore?” Some are like, they’re not real Taylor Swift Fans. But they’re comparing everything to it. And they are, her fans, and they’re not allowing.
Some of you may be like, but other artists don’t change. Don’t branch out. Write the same thing over and over and over, and maybe she wants to do that. Yet, girly has shown us time and time again that she actually likes challenging herself to write other genres. She likes doing it. If she didn’t. Reputation would have been more like 1989. Lover would have been more like 1989. Folklore and Evermore wouldn’t exist. I do think there is an argument to be had that expecting her to change and forcing her to do it is wrong, but I’m saying that we aren’t even accepting the chance that she may want to change for herself. Whether that means into a stable sound that never changes from album to album or into a wildly different genre. RN the FANS are dictating what should and shouldn’t be, and that’s… messy.
How many of you breathed in relief at 17-31 because it sounded like Folklore and Evermore? How many of you liked 1-16 because it was like Midnight’s sister? How many of you were waiting to hear the heartbreak about Joe? How many of you have given the songs paternity tests? It’s only been 48 hours. You can be honest.
We are Taylor Swifts greatest love, if things are to be assumed, and the muse in TTPD is strangely many people in one — because we are a part of the problem now. She had to plead manic insanity to us, in her prologue for this album.
How many of you look at the rerecordings and have forgotten the reason for them? I mean, I know you know the reason, but it’s not supposed to be a count down, doubting everything, pushing her, pressuring her, to give us her art. She is trying to reclaim her art, for herself. It’s called Taylor’s Version. Not the audience version. Yet, you scream Reputation at her concerts. Reputation. Reputation. Give us everything you are Taylor. Give us, your love Taylor. Entertain us Taylor.
All she has left are her name and reputation. She’s already given away her reputation once. Do you think she wants to give it away again after she’s finally reclaimed it? Do you think she wants to give her name away again? When it’s finally her’s?
And don’t get me wrong I think that reputation (TV) and Taylor Swift (TV) will come, and the world will be excited for the vault tracks, and be angry that it doesn’t sound identical to the original. And feel betrayed that it’s not 100% perfect the exact way they wanted. They’re tired of her failing them. Gaslighting her into believing she’s not good enough. Threatening to quit her and leave her behind because she’s disappointing them, by doing the one thing she’s good at but it’s not good enough anymore.
Oh sorry, not the world.
Her fans. The love of her life.
Critical Critique
The thing about giving good feedback and critique is that it needs to be helpful. You can’t simply say, I hate this, and expect someone to use it.
Taylor Swift is not above critique. She is not perfect. She is a human being, it’s legitimately impossible to be perfect. Yet we ask her to be perfect. Now I’m not saying perfection with saying one thing (that she cares about social justice) and then doing the opposite. I’m not saying she’s above critique of her private jets or being a billionaire. These can all be valid critiques. I think we should be critical of her billionaire status, and white feminist tendencies, and marketing exploitation. This is looking at an idol and holding them to human standards that you may have for yourself.
I don’t think that being critical and holding someone accountable is toxicity. I do think it’s toxic tho, that we are starting to read into everything. Search for clues in everything. Showing up to weddings we were never invited to. Stalking her across venues. (And I don’t mean the plane guy, I mean you weirdos who show up at her house and her recording studio and scream at her to tell you about her latest breakup). Looking over photos, like you’re a tabloid editor from 2010, like “Where’s the ring?” “Is that a baby bump?”
And when she tells us the truth we say no, I don’t believe you. When we, her fans, hear her say with her whole chest “I’m not perfect, stop defending me.” and we turn around and say… mmmmmm I’m not going to do that. You are my perfect little baby who can do no wrong. You must be confused. You must be shocked. Let me correct you. She knows she’s making bad choices and she has a whole marketing team to fix what she does.
Taylor Swift fans have been demonized by media as ravenous brain dead worshipers, and in some ways we are. We defend her at every turn, at everything she does and justifies it, but this is more than that. And yet is also only that. I am defending her when she doesn’t need me to. But more than that, I feel like I need to call out the fandom cuz we are toxic. We have secret sessioners leaking albums. We are gate keeping. We are screaming at each other when people don’t agree with are arbitrary and subjective opinions. We say that the real critiques of her work aren’t actually listening to her— they are, you’re not listening to the critiques. Like the 1830s line. There are so many ways the same sentiment could have been written, better. No one is saying Taylor is a racist. They’re saying she needed someone to check her on the line and be like, is there a different way to say this?
To everyone we talk to, we are hated. There are think pieces about how toxic we are to others online, how we attack everyone who dares to actually be critical of her. How we attack eachother, like the snake eating its tail. We defend her like its or dying breath and then turn around to Taylor and say, look I was a good fan, give me what I want and only what I want. People hate us. Outsiders hate us. Casual fans hate us. We hate each other. Taylor swift says she sometimes hates us.
Welcome to the age of Aquarius, the downfall of celebrity. We shouldn’t worship people, like idols and gods. However, we should judge people as people and we aren’t doing that either, to the random person on the street saying “see me” to the girl with the lyrics crying “hear me.”
Social Media Literacy
Hate Taylor swift if you want to, whether that is because she’s over saturated or because you have grown disillusioned. But Taylor swift has built a brand about being relatable, and as much as people may say she’s manufacturing it now, I don’t think she is trying to. I personally think she’s trying to do it the way she always has, and it’s backfiring.
Not because she’s less relatable, but because we as a society have lost what it means to accept other people. We are holding everyone to a high near high level of perfectionist accountability, where you must be perfect and never change, and never make a mistake. There is a fact to be said that billionaire mistakes hurt millions of people, and that everything you do cosigns another terrible thing. However, we are not building a community. We are not holding people accountable and then pulling them back into the community to help them change their mindset. We are not creating a network of support, we are snipping away at the web at every single point. Saying, you’re wrong, and isolating further. And while this can be said about everything and everyone, it is more apocalyptic for Taylor Swift, because her entire brand is a microcosm of society.
This is happening to everyone, not just Taylor swift. Everyone. Nuance is gone. Grace is gone. Understanding, just like media literacy and critical thought, is disappearing. People are making value assessments of others based on the media they consume. And that alone should be a concern for all of us.
We are saying if you aren’t perfect, you are kicked to the outside. Immediately. No remorse. We are saying, if you aren’t exactly the way I think is morally right, just, or perfect, you are forbidden from anything ever again. And I’m not talking about Taylor Swift. I’m not talking about critique. I’m talking about us. The fans. Who attack each other. Who demonize each other. Who send hate threats to each other. Who call each other crazy. Who joke about other’s demise.
Oh, that’s just an issue of Taylor’s brand. No. This is a wider spread issue, it’s just magnified in the Swiftie fandom, because the swiftie fandom has always been a parasocial relationship with Taylor. From the day she began on Myspace, the Swiftie fandom has broken down clues together, kept secrets together, been a community together, in a way that most others have not been. And it’s falling apart, just as Taylor swift’s brand of relatability. Because we as a society, and we as a fandom have snipped away the entire network of support. The only way down is through, and there is no one to catch us at the end of the fall.
Parasocial Relationships, have been seen to become toxic very fast, as soon as a person thinks that they have some sort of control or are heard by the person they follow. For the longest time, Swifts staid back, followed the clues like rabbits and it was a game. She left us a puzzle, and we went to solve it. Now we are trying to solve puzzles that don’t exist. We made the game bad. We have made it awkward for everyone. The Parasocial relationship we have always had with Taylor, which was kind and filled with space and grace, has fallen apart. We are the worst parts of toxic parasocial relationships.
We are screaming for more. Ignoring what has been given. Skipping too fast and onwards to the next thing. All while saying, this thing that you’ve given me? It’s not absolutely perfect. Do more. Be better. Oh but that’s too many now. How about this one thing instead.
I know with my heart of hearts that when Reputation (TV) comes out. It’s going to be hell on fire. Because there is such a pent up image of this special album in everyone minds, that they keep saying things that are wildly untrue. That it’s going to be release randomly, because “there will be more explanation. There will just be reputation.”
Go read the prologue AGAIN. I’ll wait.
Don’t Blame Me, Love Made Me Crazy
We are not capable of listening anymore. And I know that many people of the world won’t read this, won’t understand this, won’t even know it exists.
But we, are the most toxic love affair that Taylor Swift has ever had.
It was good, when it was good. But we’ve turned on her time and time again. And there are some of us, myself included, who will say, we’ve been here the whole time! Supporting her, even during lover when her concerts were at the lowest. But.
We are tearing each other apart. We are tearing her apart. We are holding her to impossible standards we don’t even hold ourselves too. Our very real critiques of her are being ignored and some fans say it’s just hate instead. Critiques to her, become massive amounts of backlash at her, that is visceral and appalling. We say, “I love you.” She says, “It’s ruining my life.”
We say we love you, and then turn around and say but I hated that. We say we support you but we need “MORE.” We say take a break, but you had better not disappear on us. We say we want you to be in love, but on our terms. We want you to be happy, but the way we want.
And it has gotten more and more and more, as she has skyrocketed to the Eras Tour level of fame she has right now. Our reactions to her are millions of times over across multiple countries. Where people are saying, she shouldn’t have become a public figure if she couldn’t handle it. She shouldn’t have opened up her life to us and written her songs like a diary, if she couldn’t handle it. She shouldn’t be a human being if she can’t handle being hated for being human. She created this parasocial relationship, it’s her fault it’s toxic. She talks about the men and love, she should handle when we judge her for it. You wouldn’t even judge your friends. Will you say, that’s just the way they are? And ignore the ways they are hurting you and others? And if you did, will you hold grace for them to change and grow or will you cut them out immediately and leave them isolate? Will you forget community?
And it’s all divisive and anonymous online. This virtual signaling, and hate towards one person, when you can’t even hold your own families accountable. When you can’t even hold yourself accountable. When every moment that this relationship of us to Taylor continues, it proves that we are the worst parts of humanity.
I’m not immune to that. This post is antagonistic and anonymous. I see the irony. I know the hypocrisy.
And there are reasons the jokes aren’t funny about us on the internet, but that they’re true. They’re true, what outsiders and non-fans think of us. We are a rapid fan base that gets worse and worse each year. We are not only the good parts, the friendship bracelets and joy of the eras tour. We are all the terrible parts as well. We are the racist, homophobic, terrible parts. We are getting worse and worse the more and more we love her, that we are starting to scare people even more than we ever had. It’s my way, or you’re out. And if you, another fan, don’t agree with me then you’re not actually a fan at all.
Some people, fans, have said that the Eras Tour feels like the end. That she’s saying goodbye. She burned down the lover house. TTPD is alienating people. Taylor Swift is everywhere and she is so oversaturated that people are concerned.
And look. I can’t blame TS for what is happening right now. If she’s feeling alone. Afraid. Lost. Unsure what will happen if she puts one foot out of line. She’s given us this messy album that is filled with the dirty and worst parts of her thoughts and feelings. It’s not edited it’s raw. It’s angry. It’s saying “Fuck you.” Because we made her crazy. And I’m pretty sure we sure as hell aren’t letting her feel like she can change. She can’t trust us to let her change or to become something else. She can’t even trust us to be there as a support network.
Even if the Cycle dictates that she should do it.
Maybe she’s grown up. Maybe sh’s found her genre and want’s to stay here forever. Maybe Taylor is tired. Maybe she just needed to get all the emotions out and away so she can move on and be fully happy. Maybe she’s terrified of what will happen this time when she falls from grace. She saw it in 2009-2012. She saw it in 2016-2017.
I don’t know. I don’t know her. But I know this:
When you’re standing at the tallest peak, how far does the valley look? Especially when the wings you built through years of blood sweat and tears are burned by the very people who helped you make them.
There Will Be No Explanation. There Will Just Be Reputation.
We all know the iconic opening sequence from the Reputation Stadium tour. Where she took the media commentary and made it the opening. For years. Taylor has been in a war with the media and the powers at be. When the media slut shamed her. When the media made paternity tests. When the MEDIA said, look at this woman and all the stupid shit she does.
Guess what? The media loves her.
Taylor Swift reclaimed her reputation from the media in 2017.
But now who does she have to take it back from?
For as much as Taylor has made a commentary about how women are constantly told to reinvent themselves, to become something new and shiny, in this way and that way for “me.” The greatest changes Taylor has ever made in her music career have been for herself. 1989, was because she wanted to go Pop. Folklore was because she needed to process and try a new type of songwriting style.
And yet, now Taylor’s fans look at all her clothes and choices and say “ah this is a new era.” This is “reputation era coded.” The fans are now adding paternity tests to every single song. We are going after the exes online and in person. We are asking Taylor to reinvent herself constantly over and over and over to entertain us. We shout “MORE!” over and over again. The fans are feral for reputation. Ignore everything else.
And with TTPD she said, we need to chill that we don’t know her. That she’s going to make up her own choices and fuck up. And the line about “you should see your faces?” that is about US.
We, the fans, are now in the place of the media. We are the ones that are dictating her reputation in a way that she does not agree with. When Taylor Swift reclaims her reputation again, it will not be from the media, it will be from the fans itself.
We are now giving paternity tests. We are now the ones asking if she’s going to get married and when. We are the ones constantly wondering if she’s pregnant. WE are saying and doing and acting the same way that the media did for YEARS. When before we used to tell the media to back off and ignored it all. We have become the very thing we used to hate.
And now we, as fans are saying to Taylor Swift that she MUST “Be new to us, be young to us, but only in a a new way and only in the way we want. And reinvent yourself, but only in a way that we find to be equally comforting, but also a challenge for you. Live out a narrative that we find to be interesting, to entertain us, but not so crazy that it makes us uncomfortable.”
This time when Taylor Swift reclaims her reputation, she’s going to be reclaiming it for herself, from the men who stole it from her. From the media who dictated it. From the world. From her fans. For herself. (Taylor’s Version)
Lightning in a Bottle
I was always of the opinion that she’d continue making albums after 13. Now I am not sure. I think she’ll write music, but I think 13 might be it. There is a chance, she is preparing to keep coasting. Get 12 out while she’s still at the high. Ride out this Cycle longer than it should. Get 12 out to critical acclaim, face the fall and release 13, her Magnum Opus. Say goodbye for good. People will look at it and wonder what happened, who she is, but she’s been warning us since Long Live that this could happen.
However.
Taylor Swift is capable of bending lightning.
To many fans, each Taylor Swift Album is perfect. To some each album is something new that she hasn’t tried before. To me, Taylor’s albums come in the form of a cycle. Where, when she changes for herself and is embraced for that change, she is able to create something no one has ever done before. She defines a generation in a healthy and productive way.
She’s done it once with Country. She’s done it twice, with Pop. She’s done it thrice with Folk. In each instance she was raw, she was curated. She was honed in on the concept, on the lyrics, on the vulnerability, on the genre itself. Taylor Swift can capture lightning in a bottle when she’s trying an entirely new genre. When she goes all in on everything for the genre, in a new form, and learns and masters that form well. And most importantly, when she decides to make this leap of faith not because she’s reinventing herself to make the world entertained, but because she wants to make the change- the choice- for herself.
I’ve always hoped and prayed for that Rock album. I thought it would be 12 (or 11, in a world where Evermore was not Folklore’s sister/twin). I’ve always thought that if Taylor was going to catch Lightning in a bottle again it would be in rock. I don’t think we’ll ever get it. And that’s okay.
I always hoped that album 13 would be about us, the fans. The coming of age story of Taylor Swift. Her relationship with us and the music industry. The album that has pop and rock and country and folk. Songs that remind me of Girls Just Want to Have Fun, I Want to Dance With Somebody, and This Ones For the Girls. I hoped it would be for us. For her. For the love of it all. And album that said Long Live, with a capital TS, that touched on every era she ever did, recreating the sound perfectly. Into 13 perfect songs and not a song more. I doubt it’s going to happen. And that’s okay.
I won’t be disappointed. I’ll be here for the ride. I’ll critique her as much as I always have, and hold grace for her to change as a person. I’m going to build my community with the paradox of Tolerance in mind. And if I’m wrong and she continues after 13, I’ll be there too. But I think that right now, The Taylor Swift fandom is not in the place to be able to catch Taylor if she makes a jump, a change, a decision that is not tailored for them or considers them. We can't even talk with each other without getting into fights.
Ask yourself how much of our community is left:
When the parasocial relationships Taylor built, is weaponized against her and ourselves. Like some sort of awardshow, where you get a gold star for being the best.
When we are giving her a paternity test at every lyric.
When we see our faces at every new lyric.
When the games aren’t fun anymore.
When we scream more. More. More. More. But only the way I want and in the way I deem appropriate.
When her reputation has been stolen from her again. AGAIN by the people she trusted most.
When we only book mark her life by failures and endings. Gossiping like old women asking how did it happen this time?
When we won’t even remember ALL the things that she loves.
When that’s all she’s ever asked for us to remember her by.
When she says we, her fans, "are the love of my life."
But “The Story of Us, sounds a lot like a tragedy now.”
Because "the story isn't [hers] anymore."
Yet, we're all she’s ever wanted.
I think that with TTPD, she is processing but she's telling us, that this is it. She's going to make the first change of her life not knowing if we're going to support it.
Cycle 4 is coming. Whether that is with 12. 13. With the end of the Eras Tour. With the burning of the lover house on the first night of the Eras Tour. Cycle 4 will end the Cycles. Will end the Eras.
One more fall from from the precipice. But this time not from the public. Not from the media. From her fans. I think Taylor Swift is ready to take that leap with or without her fans. With or without the safety net. With or without the wings we built her that got her this far. One more fall from the pedestal. One more descent into the horrors that Taylor Swift has ever known. This time into uncharted waters, facing the one true love of her life. The change that is going to shatter the fandom.
What happens then?
Change
So how do we fix it? How do we, as a community, come together and fix this toxicity? Because we have to be the ones to do it. If we don’t do it now, then there is a chance we’ll never do it in the future. We have to change, and reclaim our own reputation as Swifties.
How? I wish I had all the answers, but I do have a place to start.
Stop sending death threats and hate and KYS to people you don’t agree with.
Stop arguing like you’re so smart because you understand her lyrics. If someone says they don’t interpret something the same way as you, maybe listen. There is no One Way to read a Taylor Swift song. There just isn’t.
Tolerance Paradox: Support differing opinions of your own. However, we can not accept intolerance. Those who wish to spread hate, those who wish to spread anger, we can’t support them. We have to call them out. We must call out the racists and the homophobes and the literal nazis and white supremacists who find our fandom home.
We must be critical of her AND our community. Whose voices are we not listening to? Take a self inventory on why the critique of her bothers you so much. Legitimately.
We must take inventory of what we have done in the past and take accountability for the ways we’ve hurt others.
We must stop asking for more, legitimately. Stop asking for more Folklore like albums. Stop asking for more 1989 like albums. Stop begging for reputation.
We must be kind to those who are new. Gatekeeping can only be so far as to keep the space a place of tolerance.
We must support each other in hard times, in times of need. Be the community that comes together to say, I have your back. We must start helping each other, legitimately.
We must hold our ground, and stop the leaks IMMEDIATELY.
Stop speculating, and I don’t mean analyzing of reviewing easter eggs. I mean speculating. We aren’t with her 24/hrs a day so stop acting like we should be.
Easter Eggs are only fun, when people aren’t having full break downs about being wrong. Maybe we should chill.
Hold space for your opinions to change and for others to change. Validate those changes, and the processing.
Remember our roots. We are the fandom who has stuck together through everything, who believes in the magic of connection. Draw those 13s on the back of your hands and make a wish. Long Live.
Ending
In the end, there is nothing great about this essay. I’m really not saying much to anyone. I'm saying this for myself because I'm changing the way I engage with Taylor Swift and other Swifties. I’m tired of creating a network of hate. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t belong in this community, because I am not perfect. Or because I don’t agree.
We, as fans, are the new enemy that we have always fought against.
I might not be able to fix everything, but I'm going to do my part to change the prophecy.
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laurens
eliza
burr
madison
(once again these are personal headcanons idc if the historical canon says other wise 🙈 these are just fun)
Laurens
very poor relationship with his family (especially henry). part of the reason he joined the military was to get away from him and his expectations. he's closer with his mother, but it's still strained. he adores his siblings tho, even if henry kind of pitted them against each other
he's a skilled painter and spends his spare time sketching. he once tried to teach alexander, but quickly realized that it was one skill hammy would never possess (this would make such a cute fic ngl)
his favorite season is autumn because he likes the colors and the crispness of everything
he's protective almost to a fault
Eliza
in my mind she will always be a beyond talented pianist! like to the point she's like a virtuoso. she writes her own music and secretly dreams of publishing it. she pens music after major life events, and it sort of acts as her diary (after she met alex, when angelica moved to london, when she had philip, after the affair.) she's basically taylor swift
smells so incredibly good (shhh I know it's the 1700's but let me live) but she smells like expensive perfume (you know the type) sugar, and strawberries
she's a cat person!
she has an aptitude for mathematics, and that's why she would act as alexander's advisor so much. she's educated in literature, philosophy, and history as well, but angelica has always been more vocal about it, so she doesn't get a chance to shine as much as she should
Burr
oh my beloved burr :(((( he has a lot of unresolved trauma. from the pressures of his family's legacy, to his (canonically) abusive uncle, and the religious trauma of being jonathan edwards' grandson, he has a lot of pent up sadness that he won't let himself feel. he's an anxious mess most of the time, and all of these reasons are why he feels like he can't rush into things and make mistakes.
also a cat person. he loves cats so much. he dotes on them. he would have twenty if he could. in the war, he would go out of his way to feed any strays around and would protect them, sometimes sneaking them into his quarters in his coat if it was particularly cold
he's a hopeless romantic, even if he's not vocal about it. he wants to be loved and to share the love he never got to give anyone. he wants to do all the courting things with someone, and make a life with them. his love language is practically all of them
after alexander's death, if he would go to any tavern or party or anything where there was music, he would request they sing how stands the glass around because that was what alexander sang at the last party they were at together. it's a form of punishment, but it's also because he can close his eyes and imagine Alexander is still there, even for just a moment. sometimes he thinks he can hear his voice interweaving with the others
Madison
he and dolley are a power couple. everyone wants to be them. they are the only really healthy relationship in canon. they are each other's best friend and madison's favorite place is by her side. he's not afraid to admit that she's the better half of him. (this is probably not true lmao but I'm too tired to look it up)
he very much has "gifted kid burnout" if you can call it that in the 1800s. he's tired. he's unwell. he just wants everything to work out for everyone, and for the people around him to chill and stop yelling for five minutes. he's like a long-suffering parent, and all but keeps jefferson on one of those backpack-leash combinations that kids wear in malls
actually doesn't mind hamilton that much. he doesn't agree with him on most things, and thinks he's annoying, but he still feels a bit worried about the man he once called friend. they were pretty close when they wrote the federalist papers, and they would often have dinners together where he found he actually enjoyed the company
he prefers the quiet. he finds it comfortable. he doesn't find it awkward if conversation lulls into silence (though it rarely does with the company he keeps)
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I would like to know more about your characters but I can’t think of anything specific to ask about
so tell me a fun fact about each of them
ahh tysm for asking about my mc’s 🥹 I’ve been wanting to make a longer separate post about each of them but work has kept me too busy lately! Will eventually get around to it but to answer your question (and elaborate just a tad on their backstories)…
Fun Facts about my MC’s 💜
Estelle Frye:
She was my first MC (and my only for many, many months!), so has the most detailed and fleshed out backstory by far. Her first name is inspired by the lead character from one of my favourite series of games (Trails in the Sky), but her nickname Este is also a subtle nod to Taylor Swift’s song ‘no body, no crime’.
I also decided to throw in a bit of a crossover with my last fandom by making her the daughter of the AC:Syndicate protagonist Jacob Frye.
With that in mind, her fun fact is that she is able to use Eagle Vision and was briefly trained as an assassin prior to starting at Hogwarts. She tends to prefer a stealthier approach to combat, even when using magic.
She is also the MC most inspired by my own appearance & personality, so much so that eventually I just decided to cheekily self-insert a much cooler version of myself as her mom (because technically I did create her, right? 😂)
Evie Morgan:
My newest MC, so I’m still solidifying her character and backstory so apologies if this one seems a bit bland compared with the rest!
She is a distant descendant of Isadora Morganach - I know it’s not implied that Isadora had any children or family other than her brother & father, but my imagination was hard at work with this one 🤭
Fun fact - She is the younger cousin of Elsie Morgan, one of the other students who compete in Imelda’s time trials. I’ve decided that Elsie is the captain of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team too, because why not?
Her name is also another gentle nod to AC: Syndicate (Evie Frye) - there’s a pattern emerging here 🤷🏻♀️
Leila Greene:
She is my one and only muggleborn MC (technically…will elaborate more on this in the future!). She’s quite artsy and has a green thumb, and I consider her to be my most cheerful & outgoing character by far.
Fun fact: Her mother is a lover of all things literature & poetry and named her after the characters in Lord Byron’s works ‘The Giaour’ and ‘Don Juan’.
She’s also technically the only MC whose name isn’t directly inspired in some way by another form of media - I only found out about the Lord Byron connection after choosing her name!
Thalia Blackwood:
Another MC whose first name was inspired by a favourite character of mine from the Percy Jackson series. She is a descendant of Eunon Blackwood, the creator of the hedge mazes that appear around the highlands, which technically also makes her distantly related to the Black family (again, imagination working overtime on this one!). She is completely unaware of this until she stumbles upon the mazes during her fifth year.
As for her fun fact, like her namesake, she is terribly afraid of heights, and Astronomy & Flying class are two of her least favourite classes for this very reason.
(Sorry that ended up being so long but am always happy to answer questions about my MC’s! ☺️)
#hogwarts legacy#hogwarts legacy fandom#hogwarts legacy mc#Estelle Frye#Evie Morgan#Leila Greene#Thalia Blackwood
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Since Ms Swift decided she didn’t want to appreciate Speak Now (Taylor’s version) I will.
ok so firstly the only reason I’m making this post is because I’m currently listening to last kiss (tv) which is MY FAVORITE in the album, god I could go on and on about this song, is saw somebody else say that they’ve never even had their first kiss and this song made them feel like they had been heartbroken in the worst possible way, I have never heard the way this song makes me feel so perfectly. Taylor Swift singing it with her matured voice makes me want to SOB, this song also especially hits different after the toe breakup, and with her voice now it feels less like a heartbroken teen and more like a woman who is looking back on her relationship with her true love and all the memories comeback to her making her miss when she used to be happy, let’s be honest it’s one of the saddest in her discography and the album.
which leads us on nicely to long live which for some reason makes me cry every time I listen to it, the song doesn’t have a sad meaning to it but god it just reminds me of when she was the literal butt of the internet, everyone was making fun of her and then after this has all happened she then goes and records “I’m not afraid” which then makes me think of joe helping her through all of the hate and how he helped her in her darkest times. Overall the whole album just has a new meaning after the toe break up.
THE VAULT TRACKS, I will literally have to pick these apart one by one because she really went above and beyond with these:
.when Emma falls in love, I loved this song, it’s wasn’t my favorite, but it’s amazing, it kind of reminds me of one of my freinds who absolutely freaked out when her crush tried to kiss her (she literally ran away from him, they’ve been dating for a year now) she’s literally the sweetest person but never excepts any compliments or any gifts she really is little miss sunshine who always thinks it’s going to rain.
.I can see you made me turn into Kim possible when I listened to it, it’s gives of massive good girl x bad boy vibes and I love it! The music video was amazing especially with Taylor Launter although I was a little disappointed when there wasn’t a back to December mv starring him.
.Castles crumbling is Grayson Hawthornes song, you can’t change my mind and if you don’t agree here are some lyrics that might change your mind; “power went to my head, and I couldn’t stop”, “you don’t wanna know me now”, “people look at me like I’m a monster”, now the whole castles crumbling bit is graysons mental walls he put up to stop himself from feeling and to stop anyone from seeing inside his mind (metaphorically, of course) but since he hit Rock bottom in the wine cellar those walls have been crumbling.
.Foolish one, I love This song so much, that’s it, just listen to the song and appreciate it
.Timeless is such a beautiful song, and I love the way Taylor describes her relationship with whoever in this song, again I just had to assign this song to a fictional character/ship so the lucky people who get this song are…. That’s right warnette , I feel like this song is just them y’know like “even if we met on a crowded street in 1944, when you were headed off to fight in the war, you still would’ve been mine we would’ve been timeless” is like them because SPOILER Anderson removed their memories of eachother so many times but they still found eachother <3
long story short, mother really mothered with this one 💜💜💜💜
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i do have something to say, and my pulsing head is maybe not going to allow it to be particularly articulate, but fearless was special to me because it was when i became a swiftie, red was special to me because it's my cherished and beloved album. speak now is special to me because it was the first album i got to experience with taylor in real time, from the announcement, to watching music video premieres (on cmt!), excitement building up to it, the thrill of release day.
but it was an especially big deal to me because i had spent the entire year before (almost to the day, because a final conversation was had on october 26, 2009, and speak now was released on october 25, 2010) planning, or expecting, to not survive it. there are many times i've battled through that since for varying reasons, but that was the first time, and the most traumatic. i had vascillated through extremes of sobbing through the night to screaming in rage to complete and total emptiness and cynical numbness - imagine me not feeling anything, or only feeling the tearing of anger in my chest - beyond holding tight to my precious dog, and i feel guilty often reflecting on this because i don't think i did the best for her at that point either. my passion and solace in music felt stolen out of my hands, and had narrowed intensely in that pain, to the point where i only had two pillars to lean against. one was fall out boy. the other was taylor. both had been the only comforts i could reliably turn to, turn up, in the dark. debut and fearless felt like they'd been given especially to me, to express what i was struggling through, how the girl in me who'd lost so much of her life, health, time, and then had her heart broken and betrayed by multiple people, felt. fob stopped me once, very directly, from hurting myself. (thus why their feature here has profound significance to me.) my mom, who had never been through such a difficult time with me (and there are gaps in my memory, but i still feel guilty for what she went through then too), hardly knew what to do, but she bought me a pink ipod nano that 2009 christmas, and that music was basically all that was on it. they were the lifelines i clung to in the tumultuous storm to keep myself from drowning.
by speak now's release in 2010, i'd gotten to shore, but was still battered and cold and exhausted. that album was an aspect of my recovery. that music was what warmed me and woke me back up. and a huge part of that was taylor's own honesty and sensitivity. she was still dreamy and romantic, she still displayed vulnerability, sincerity, and compassion, but she was also angry and bitter and petty and scathing. the fullness and unflinching open-heartedness of that journey cracked me back open and allowed the light back in. the storytelling and lyricism proved her prowess, talent, and growth, but it was often the simplicity that got me, that allowed me to accept even the sharp edges of what i felt, and the softness too. a careless man's careful daughter. i liked it better when you were on my side. i see it all now that you're gone. all you are is mean. please don't be in love with someone else. never imagined we'd end like this. wish i'd never grown up. can't turn back, i'm haunted. the girl in the dress cried the whole way home. long live all the magic we made, and bring on all the pretenders, i'm not afraid. it cast a magic spell, transformed my spirit and allowed me to start to become the person i am again.
it's turned out over the years that some of it is tough for me to listen to because of this, because of that visceral tie back to the things it opened me up to, but tonight i'm thinking yet again about what a miracle it is that i'm still even here, after not expecting that gift of time over and over. every re-record she's released has given something back to me that i didn't even realize i needed, and reading taylor's prologue for speak now, the feeling of her catharsis and reclamation feels so much like my own too. she's brought us in and held that reciprocal experience close, and the embracing connection in that speaks deeply to everything her music represents and means to so many of us.
she writes now, "i had no idea how much this pain would shape me," and also, "i'm still idealistic and earnest...but i'm less crushed when people mock me for it. i know now that one of the bravest things a person can do is create something with unblinking sincerity." this is something i believe too and hold onto fiercely, and she's helped consistently remind me of it.
to those of us with our palms outstretched in the light, still hoping, still having faith in art and knowing that it's good, whose voices quiver with tearful emotion but still share it earnestly, who sometimes wish we could still hear bedtime stories, who hold on to spinning around. i've had the time of my life fighting dragons with her, and with you.
#taylor swift#speak now#long live all the magic we made#thrown out speeches#bubble wrap around my heart#jess.mess
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The Beths ✨
The Beths are an indie band from Auckland, Aotearoa New Zealand, with three studio albums, a live album, a couple eps, and recently completed a couple international tours with many sellout shows.
And they are the fricken best NZ band currently recording, in my opinion. (by all means tell me who you think are better I might not have heard of, but consider : the Beths.)
They mainly work in the indie rock format, their earlier stuff being quite pop-punk (though the title track of Jump Rope Gazers sounds uncannily like nostalgic Taylor Swift it's a bit disconcerting). Their 2022 album Expert In A Dying Field, is mostly nicer soundwise, a bit less distorted as a whole (with the notable exception of Silence is Golden, with a searing solo and excellent high-on-the-fretboard-bass-playing), but still with the unflinchingly personal lyrics that typify Beths songs. They have extraordinarily catchy choruses, memorable tunes and a fine combination of distorted guitar and chirpy backup vocals.
Singer/songwriter/guitarist Elizabeth Stokes' songs are full of passion, tenderness, and the very real anxiety of sharing your feelings with people. They bring up real emotions and experiences, things everyone even slightly introspective and introverted and socially anxious is surely very familiar with. Her lyrics, even when bordering on Morrissey-level angst 'you wouldn't like me / if you saw what was inside me' and 'misery loves me / but I don't love her', often surprisingly dark contrasting with the cheerful tone of the melody 'I told you that I was afraid / of stating my opinions in a clear and honest way [...] some thoughts are best deleted // I don't know what I'm getting up for'. The lyrics are highly emotionally charged while still seeming completely genuine, without the melodramatics.
Producer/lead guitarist Jonathan Pearce reminds me of Lenny Kaye (or Johnny Marr, but for some reason Lenny Kaye) - the guitarist who is crucial in shaping the sound of the band, singing backup (and backing vocals are a key feature of Beths songs) and being a *presence* in the music. His solos are excellent, drawing from a wide variety of indie influences, being technically quite good, impactful without showing off or going on too long, they always suit the song very well. He seems a true musical partner, and any band that produces their own music has full respect from me. They've had a couple drummers, especially for different tours, the drumming is a bit more heavy on their first album Future Me Hates Me. There are so far not really any particular stand out basslines I can remember but the bass always has really good tone. All band members contribute vocals, which I think is really cool.
The Beths make particular use of NZ made amps like Jansen - quick NZ music history courtesy of my friends dad / band mentor - for a long time from the 60s onwards, it was cheaper to build amps here than it was to import them from the US, so there are a lot of virtually indestructible vintage amps lying around the country - and Stokes also has a really vibey looking turquoise guitar, never seen another one like it. Their music videos are also really cool, have that nice indie / low budget / *lets do random stuff in front of the camera with some props* vibe to them.
I have seen the Beths live once, which was amazing and I loved it, it was one of those gigs that makes me want to go home and practice so that I can one day be that cool. They are really heavy live, far more distorted and on the rock end of the indie spectrum. I have also been lucky enough to meet them after said show and get a cd signed, they were all really nice. I said to Elizabeth that I had learned Future Me Hates Me with my band, and she asked if it was easy or hard, and I said it just has a lot of chords (she agreed, it does have a lot of chords). Next time they do a show here I am 100% going. I hope they will have a new album out in the next couple years and continue to explore their style a bit more, and that they continue to find an international audience because they are certainly good enough to.
Lots of love to the Beths <3
#the beths#nz music#band recommendations#music recommendation#future me hates me#jump rope gazers#expert in a dying field#indie rock#indie band#elizabeth stokes
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What's a girl gonna do
what's a girl gonna do ?
What would the queen 👸🏼 have to say about all this bickering between the swifties. This is a fandom that doesn't allow mean girls sorry ! Taylor literally stood up for a fan in the middle of singing ! So you don't belong here if you're a mean girl.
If you made fun of anyone wearing an Olaf costume or costume you didn't understand - jokes on you Taylor literally talked about that exact night at tampa night 2. So before you're like "ew cringe." Cuz YOU don't understand. A lot of us do. Don't be rude.
It doesn't matter what age you are. A mean girl is a mean girl is a mean girl and Taylor was bullied by mean girls like you who didn't understand why she liked country music so much - just keep that in mind.
If you're gonna insist on calling her mother instead of sister bestie soul mate , t swizzle - and if you don't know that reference just go rn! But if you must be like oh look it's mother mothering 🙄 just remember to a lot of us she's someone who grew up right along side us. She's not our mother she's our friend and if she's your mother than listen to your mother and be a nice person cuz kindness is best legacy you can leave behind. ---actual quote ---
This fandom is what it is because of the life long friends you can make bonding over your mutual love of this one singer who just is a part of you - if you can't be a part of that without making fun of people who dress up and still listen to Taylor in their 30s- then you don't get it you never will. Taylor threw up 33 during 22 for a reason! And don't be mad that we've been alive as long as Taylor ! We were the lucky ones . Can't you see it now ?
Taylor loves the costumes- she mentioned multiple times alllll the amazing outfits everyone had. The sparkles cuz her favorite color is sparkles ! I personally saw her mouth "i love your outfit"to 2 girls in full on epic costumes so being mean won't get you noticed but putting yourself out there like you don't care what people think cuz trust me when you get older you won't ... thats what gets you noticed.
This is the first tour Taylor has ever not had personal meet and greets i think solely due to the fact that her show is as long and draining as it is ! But when she does - they're looking for the loudest brightest most noticeable having the most fun girls and boys in the room my friend i can promise you that ! That's why we wear costumes and put our heart on our sleeve and show up to concerts in our 30s cuz guess what ? (
Taylor's in her 30s too - 32 is still growin up now . And you KNOW EVERYTHING WHEN YOU ARE YOUNG ! (( that seconds one's sarcasm it's a second language to Taylor learn it ! Along with the many other inside jokes you have some making up to do I'm not gonna lie )))
My point is swifties as a whole need to start being nicer. Gen z is becoming full blown adults and I'm not loving what I'm seeing I'm sorry it needed to be said . You never say cringe to anyone's outfit ! No you trade friend ship bracelets with her and become life long friends ! You make the friendship bracelets take the moment and taste it you got no reason to be afraid
Of mean girls
Cuz it's a Taylor Swift concert how can you possibly be mad a Taylor Swift concert ? I can't
Please no more bad bloood - hey stop! She wasn't doing anything ! Now we got bad blood hey ! Stop ! We used to be mad love stop!
@taylorswift @taylornation
#taylurking#Taylor tayloring#taylor swift#ts eras tour#ts the eras tour#battle of the swiftie gnerations#petty#tampa ts the eras tour#eras tour gifs#tampatstheerastour#tstheerastour#swiftie#taylorswift#eras tour tampa#eras tour tampa night 2
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Can I overanalyze our fandom's reaction?
First of all I'm incredibly proud of us because take a look at 75 pages and then look at TS pages. The difference in maturity is EVIDENT!
I think we all know that while this relationship, if real, will be iconic, it's likely not going to last. Not just because they are both on tour. Both of their personalities match but they also clash. I don't know them and this is all speculation, but the minute Matty says something slightly wrong - his hobby at this point -, Taylor will start a fight - she is the one who has admitted to not be afraid to start arguments and that's fine. Go off sis. She is opinionative and again: GOOD FOR HER!!! But so is Matty. They will clash. I've seen this before. One of the reasons why Taylor and Joe lasted so long was because Joe is VERY calm and according to Taylor herself, he handled Taylor's turbulent and explosive moments like a pro. I love Matty with all my heart but he has days when he is the most insufferable being alive and you can tell he's ready to pick a fight - very similar to Taylor - and I don't see this ending well.
They'll eventually break up and everyone is going to take her side. It's bad for us now and what's really affecting a lot of people is the knowledge that it's only going to get worse and Matty's name will forever be tied to this entire mess which is disappointing because he deserves attention for the lovely, beautiful and talented person he is.
True. The 1975 fandom is a lot of things but it’s never immature. Truly. Idk if it’s because it takes a certain kind of taste and mindset to, like, “get” the 1975 or what but that’s the truth. This fandom is so good.
And I agree with you that our concern about this relationship, is not about “omg Matty is dating someone and she’s not good enough for him” or whatever. It’s mainly about how he’s being treated publicly and will continue to be treated.
That said, Matty knows exactly what Taylor’s fandom is capable of. And he chose to do this knowing what would happen. So he must have thought about it and has his own reasons? Also, and this breaks my heart to say as someone who literally got obsessed with 75 records overnight, the sad truth of the matter is that Matty has always been known (like outside the fandom; not amongst us) for stuff other than his music. Whether he’s the racist guy on Twitter or the homophobe or the guy saluting hitler onstage or the guy who went on that podcast and talked about vaginas drying up and did a Japanese accent or whatever the fuck it is, outside of the fandom, I don’t think people mainly thought of him as “guy who makes music in a band.” So, it would seem to me (and like you said we don’t know them and don’t know what they’re thinking) that he’s made the decision that his art is his art and that’s never gonna change, but he’s kind sorta done with people talking about him every other day. Whatever his mindset and his decision, I hope he’s made it carefully. And no matter which way this goes, he will always have us and he will always make the kind of music that he wants to make, and when it’s objectively fresh and special and phenomenal (like BFIAFL has been) the world will have to hear it. If anyone hears the music and is like “yeah but he’s Taylor’s problematic ex” or whatever, then you know what? They don’t deserve the 1975 in their life anyway. Like, Jake Gyllenhaal and Tom Hiddleston are still making movies. John Mayer still makes music (though for the life of me I don’t know why lmao). Swifties wanna end them, but outside of that, they have their fans and their careers and their professional reputations. It’s just that everyone knows about the scarf now.
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So basically, I've been reading this comments for a while and I can't really feel more sorry for you guys that actually take this amount of time for stalking everyone related to Alex in ig and then coming here to shit on them. All you say is just based on your own theories that are a much of a fantasy, and one of the things that amazes me the most is the fact that you hate almost every single one of Alex's loved ones, and by that I mean Louise, honestly after reading many of your posts about her, I have the conclusion that you are never satisfied, you basically hate her, yet take the time to see everything she posts and take it out of context just to have something bad to say about her and her relationship with Al, you claim that she is a bad person just because of some posts that she liked in the past that actually she apologised for, we all make mistakes and I think she probably changed her mindset (all of his friends like her so isn't that a good sign that they all get along?), you also claim that she has no personality and is always copying Alexa just for pleasing Alex, which is something stupid considering the fact that Alex has a type and ALL of the girls he's dated look alike, and in adittion the similarities in Alexa and Louise's style are because they are both into Jane Birkin and let me tell you that their styles have some diferences, she's french and she's said that Jane's songs remind her of her mom because the used to listen to her while she was growing up, and btw almost everyone in Alex's close people are into Jane and Serge Gainsbourg related stuff, so does this mean that they are also coying Alexa? And don't you think that after more than 11 years Alex has not gotten over Alexa and he's just looking for someone like her? I mean that is the most stupid thing someone has ever said. You say that Alex doesn't love her because there are not so much pictures of them together, but have you ever thought that it can be because Alex has learned about being more private in his relationships as a way to protect himself and his life? If she was a fan before dating him, then the reason why you hate her so much is just jealousy because she did something you haven't done, (I mean doesn't everyone in the fandom like Alex and at some point think about dating him?) That said, you're telling me that if you had been in her position wouldn't you do the same? I mean if you had the chance to flirt with Alex Turner you wouldn't do it? Come on. I also see that you think all she does is to brag about dating him but she doesn't really posts him, just recently she just shared two pictures with him and she doesn't seem to be hanging out with the people that were posting pictures of both of them back in 2018. We dont really know what happened between Taylor and Alex's relationship and everything we 'know' is just speculation, so we can't really tell if Louise really had something to do with their split, because when you really love someone and you care about your relationship you dont just cheat on them and leave them for someone else, which actually makes me think that there was something wrong with their relationship even before it ended. In conclusion, it's been almost five years and this is his longest relationship to date, if we were still in 2018 I would understand people talking shit about her, but at this point we should all get over it, you guys are just people hiding behind a screen, fake fans, thinking that you have the right to say what and who is good for Alex just like if you knew him, and always asuming that 'he's afraid of being lonely', when he is completely and adult and free to make his own decisions. So if all you're gonna be is a hater talking shit about people you don't know and don't know you, you should get a life and stop calling yourself a fan.
honestly, this was so long and winded that we couldn’t even read the whole thing without losing focus. We’re glad you feel so deeply about us that you had to write a novel, but we think you should spend less time here if you feel this way. Or maybe less time on the internet in general. Take a deep breath. It’s all going to be okay.
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Ethan
I only ever really come on here whenever I feel like shit has hit the fan and I need to word vomit but don't have anyone to word vomit on to. I recognize my melancholia as superficial but this is my feed so I don't give a fuck let me simmer in my sadness like a soup salted with tears.
Context: my boyfriend, partner, person I fell in love with, Ethan, broke up with me on Saturday. I, for whatever godforsaken reason, thought that if I bought him flowers and made this big speech about wanting to try again and putting in the effort to make things work that he would take me back. He told me that he was feeling "unfulfilled" since October and that he didn't realize it but thought that our relationship was "short term." I met this man on July 30th, we went to plant stores, the river, many coffee shops, book stores, his hometown, my hometown, his retreat in the middle of butt fuck nowhere, etc. I loved this man. I still love him with every fiber of my being. I'm now going to rant about the newfound situation.
He called me his best friend when we were breaking up. Obviously, he was mine, too. We've been texting almost as much as before, just less hearts and "good morning"s and cute things like that. We've hung out twice since breaking up. The first time being right after my failed attempt and the second time being today.
when I tell you the way that looking into his silvery blue eyes with their little stepping stones of brown cascading throughout makes me feel like my heart has found its voice again after an eternal night of waiting...
he hugged me in the way that every human deserves to be hugged, holding on to my very being as though I were a monarch butterfly he was afraid was mid-migration...
I imagined a life with him. The constant fear that I have for the future is dulled when I imagine that he is there standing beside me. He was there for me when I was ready to give up on everything. I wish I could give him what he needs now without it desecrating my soul.
Taylor Swift recently released Midnights with the last song on the album entitled "Mastermind." In it, she describes careful planning that will give her what she wants: love. "No one wanted to play with me as a little kid so I've been scheming like a criminal ever since / To make them love me and make it seem effortless." I am confronted with the mortality that is my love and I feel like if I do not create a meticulous plan to bring Ethan back then I will lose my hope for this world.
Ethan was the Nick to my Charlie. The golden retriever to my black cat. The confident, self-assured, kind-hearted bozo to my anxious over-thinker.
He told me that if given some time he might realize that we were better off together and that in a few months he may want to come back to us. I told him I wouldn't get my hopes up because I want to respect what he wants and I can't force love. I can't force love. I can't control what he does. But my heart hopes and longs for a time that may never exist again. To make them love me and make it seem effortless. If I stay in his life, if I remind him of the joy that we had, the companionship that I afforded him, maybe he will return to me.
(i mean he did touch my butt today)
I am journaling now because I recognize my own insanity and I wish to burden no one else with it. The last time I tried to Mastermind my way into someone loving me it only ended with me crying myself to sleep listening to the same song on repeat. Well I'm already at that point since Ethan broke up with me so what else do I have left to lose.
I'd tell him of my plans if only they didn't concern him. We've schemed together. How to show up and make the best entrance possible with who was there to perceive it. He's hot, how could he not be a show stopper? I have to put in all the effort to be even close to his level.
I don't know what my next move is. I think I need to just stay in his life, as close to his partner as I can. He recognized me as his partner, and I don't want that to change. I'll text him, analyzing every word because my anxiety will tell me that he's mad at me or thinks I'm weird even though the only thing he ever kept from me was something he didn't even understand. I'll hang out with him, feeling the pull to hold his hand and rub his back when he's sad. I'll be there. He deserves that.
Of course on this day, the first time meeting up with him since deciding I wouldn't give up, the universe puts us in matching/complimentary outfits of boots, black jeans, and light beige sweaters.
God, I'm psycho. But I don't know. I'm just sad and I miss him. We were a team.
I feel numb. Goodbye.
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What would it take for the ros to be convinced by the mc to stay in bed with them?
honestly, just asking them to stay is enough. clear communication is a major part of making relationships work, even if it's in situations like this 😌 this kind of made me think of something fluffy tho hehe
RONAN BENNETT
the coily-haired man believed in many things. he was a dreamer who wasn't grounded by earthly pleasures. he loved with a heart not yet murked by the apathy of the world.
so there he lays, right beside you. your eyes closed and chest rising and falling in a steady pace. like this, you seem like you're at peace. like your past is nothing but a bad dream that you would forget the moment you sit down to have breakfast in the morning.
he curls his arm around you, careful not to wake you up. ronan knew you had a long day of staying under the sun and making sure rogue supernaturals weren't attacking unsuspecting humans. he smiles slightly as he remembers you groaning about your day and hugging him from behind.
ronan kisses your nose softly and tries not to laugh as you scrunch it up in your sleep. his next words ring like a warm blanket over your unconscious self.
you had once told him that you were not capable of being loved. “it isn't something i deserve, an emotion which is that pure.”
“i don't think that is up for anyone to decide for themselves, though,” ronan had replied. the look he sends you has you biting your lip and looking away in an attempt to not give in.
“even so i–”
“you are incredibly lovable, darling,” ronan cuts you off, resting his forehead against yours and closing his eyes with a smile. “after all, i knew i loved you even before i knew you.”
CÉLIA DUPONT
the heiress is not an easy person to deal with. she had been reminded of this for the majority of her life. that is why she adopted a façade that made people think she was approachable even with the barbed words that she hid behind a pleasant smile.
so why was it that when she was with you, her words were stripped of venom and were as soothing as a pint of ambrosia? why did her smile turned wholehearted and true? why did she let you chip away the ice she had built around her heart?
oh, but for what reason other than love?
célia would have scoffed before, dismissed that thought in an instant. but as she lays beside you, your arms around her waist and eyes closed, she knows it is certainly not a false tale that her heart has weaved in its drunken wake of your being.
times like these are when célia gets to see you completely in peace, with arms around her like she is the only home you had ever known. the only anchor in an unpredictable storm. and she feels the same. oh mon dieu, does she feel the same.
you had cried in her arms once, clinging to her desperately. “i am afraid of loving you. i will always be afraid.”
“you won't be, i promise. stay with me,” she soothed you with a kiss full of reassurance.
“b-but,” you say with a gasp as you pull away, fears already melting away, “what if i am?”
“then, mon amour,” she whispered against your trembling lips, “i will wait forever for you.”
S BAKKOUSH
for S, there weren't many things that they weren't sure of in life. they were sure that they wanted to be famous one day and put their charm and good looks to a great use. they were sure that they would move around influential people and that it was only about time that their ambition guaranteed their success.
what they were not sure about was you.
an unknown star that had wandered into their galaxy and made them desire something that wasn't even the last thing on their mind. love.
so they searched for you in places they thought you wandered in, unknowing of the fact that they had already wandered in your heart. with a different name, sure, but with the same soul and being. your world collided with sparks and fireworks exploding all over, so bright and all-consuming.
they laid in your shared bed, your body turned towards them and your starry eyes closed in deep sleep. their arm is around you and they hold you with all the gentleness of a person in love. with your peaceful expression and your skin touching theirs, even in your sleep you drove them wild.
“what is it that you have ever truly desired?” you had asked them once before in a whisper, as if you were sharing an intimate secret.
many things had came in S's mind after that question. money. fame. influence. no, there was only one deafening answer to that.
“you. it has always been you.”
I TACHIBANA
it didn't come easy to the hunter, the concept of love and all its complications. they weren't completely opposed to the idea, just that it didn't seem to be in store for them anytime soon. unbeknownst to tachibana, the future had decided to give them a proverbial middle finger.
it was not supposed to happen. you were the last person on earth that they would have ever wanted to fall in love with. but the heart wants what it wants, right?
somehow, with time, their words became less sharper towards you and their eyes softened as they looked over at you. it wasn't sudden, it happened before tachibana could fully process what they were subconsciously doing with each passing day. and in the end, they stopped caring.
you feel alive in their arms as they hold you, human or not. and the hunter? they look like they're completely vulnerable and in love. and not just in love, like they are beyond all forms of deliverance.
so it is with a rare smile when they hold you close as you sleep. tiredness from the day taking over you, you were eager to share your hunter's warmth and bask in their praise. and they did give them to you, although it was paired with their usual eye roll and annoyed grumbling.
tachibana's breath hitch in their throat when you murmur their name in your sleep, their heart almost jumping out of their chest with how rapidly it was beating by that single action of yours. they close their eyes to calm down and remember a conversation that you had once before.
“i do not blame you for treating me like that before,” you tried to sound cheerful but the hunter could tell that even your laugh was forced. “after all, i am a disease of some sort.”
tachibana shakes their head. “you aren't. i swear you aren't.”
you open your mouth to retort but they beat you to it.
“and even if you were a disease, i would be your cure. because the latter can't exist without the former,” they say before pulling you into a soft kiss, so unlike them. “and believe me when i say that i wouldn't exist without you.”
#asks#fuck it#fluff. fluff. fluff.#+ soft ROs#btw i am currently packing some more stuff for my flight to canada today#therefore there may be some typos#i'll recheck later#these crimson strings#ro: ronan bennett#ro: célia dupont#ro: s bakkoush#ro: i tachibana#bonnie nonnie#spotify#y'all listen to the song for better experience#ro scenarios
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I Don’t Like A Gold Rush || Jungkook
Pairing: Jungkook x Reader
Summary: Jungkook is the golden boy, an excellent student, the star of you college's football team. Rumor has it, there's simply nothing he can't do. The same cannot be said about you, but you've never had an issue with that. You're happy with your small group of friends and your lack of talent in sports. And then, Jin befriends Jungkook, and you find yourself spending a lot of time with him. Before you know it, you've taken an interest in him — and you're sure you shouldn't. There's no way this can end well for you... right?
Also available on Ao3.
Word count: 17.3k
Genre: College AU, strangers to lovers, slice of life, mostly fluff
Warnings & Tags: discussed insecurities, alcohol consumption, reader almost has a panic attack at some point, shy jungkook, jungkook is bad at Feelings, Reader is bad at feelings too, mutual pining kinda, Jungkook has long hair, sfw, New Year’s Day themed.
A/N: I don’t know how I would name my stories without Taylor Swift. Anyway, this is more or less centered around the New Year (it was supposed to be more and then... it didn’t happen), and I hope you’ll enjoy it! Happy New Year everyone!
The first time you hear Jungkook’s name, it’s in the sentence “Man, is there anything Jungkook can’t do?”. You look up at your friend Jin from the book you’re studying. You have no idea who Jungkook is, but that doesn’t mean anything. Jin is always complaining about how you don’t know anyone on the campus, which you think is quite unfair.
…but then you really don’t know that many people on the campus.
“What’s going on?” you ask him, because he sounds extremely annoyed, and he shows you his phone. On it, there is a score for a basketball game. You think.
Your college is famous for its basketball team… Right?
“Uh-uh,” you still say with a nod, trying to make it look like you have any idea what you’re talking about.
“This kid is crushing it at school, the girls love him, and now this!” Jin complains, a little too loud, and shushing noises come from a spot behind you. You turn around to give the group an apologetic look. “I really shouldn’t have bet against him.”
Ah, there you know what to say.
“You really need to stop making bets. You never win them.”
Jin glares at you.
“And you are a terrible friend. You’re supposed to comfort me!”
“I’ll comfort you when you stop making the worst choices imaginable,” you mutter, going back to your work. Jungkook’s name, his supposed excellence, and that basketball match — if it even is basketball — leave your mind as fast as they entered it, without leaving a trace behind.
“So the school’s won another basketball game, huh?”
You look up at Namjoon who’s just arriving to the table, holding his tray in his hands. You know he can’t possibly be talking to you about that, so you’re not surprised when Jin appears behind him. That doesn’t stop you from throwing Namjoon a disgusted look.
“Really, Joon? Sports?”
Namjoon shoots you an amused glance from behind his glasses. It’s notorious in your friends’ group that you despise conversations around that subject. You hate anything that involves objects flying around and anything that’s played in a team, and, apparently, those are the only sports that people care about. They could discuss athletics, or swimming, which you wouldn’t enjoy but you wouldn’t hate, but that never happens.
“You were right, Jin. That Jungkook guy really is impressive.”
You tune them out. You don’t care about basketball.
“You’re talking about yesterday’s game?” Yoongi asks, coming out of thin air, and you sigh. You had been hoping you would have at least one person to talk to during lunch.
“Jungkook’s friends with Hoseok,” Jin says, leaning forward conspiratorially, which does get your attention. If that’s true, then that Jungkook guy can’t be a completely terrible person. Hoseok is probably the nicest person you’ve ever met.
That being said, he might have very low standards for his friends. You know him enough to appreciate him, not to judge his tastes.
“So I’m going to become friends with him,” Jin announces triumphantly, only to be rewarded by a chorus of groans and protests.
“But why, Jin?” you ask. “Please don’t talk about popularity. This isn’t high school anymore.”
“And that stuff was already stupid back then,” Namjoon adds, and you nod. You can always count on Namjoon to support you.
“And I hate people,” Yoongi says.
“And Yoongi hates people!” Namjoon immediately picks up. “Do you really want to make him go through that?”
You grin at the question. Yoongi’s misanthropy always comes in handy. Jin, however, is not amused, but he just shakes his head disapprovingly. He’s used to the three of you teaming up against him by now. Usually, it’s on academical subjects, but he isn’t phased by it anymore regardless of that. Not that there’s much that can phase Jin anyway.
“First of all, I said I was going to be his friend, not you lowly peasants, and second, he seems like a nice guy! Do I need another reason to want to make friends?”
You tilt your head.
“He’s protesting too much,” you say.
“I agree,” Namjoon nods. “That’s suspicious.”
“Very suspicious.”
“Come on,” Jin rolls his eyes, “do you really think that little of me?”
“And now he’s trying to guilt-trip us. Joon, can’t you analyze that conversation and figure out what it all means?”
“You know that’s not how literary analysis works, right?” Jin asks you, but you ignore him.
“Actually, it is,” Namjoon says, pushing his glasses back on his nose. “I’d say you were right with your comment,” he adds, looking at you. “I’d say… this is about parties.”
“You’re not going to actually believe—”
“Thanks, Joon,” you say, and the two of you high-five without looking at each other. Yoongi lets out an appreciate whistle.
Even if Namjoon and you aren’t being serious about this, parties actually make sense. Jin… isn’t quite a social butterfly but, unlike the three of you, he does enjoy people’s company to some degree. You know first hand that he’s been to a few this year — you had accompanied him for moral support — but they were pretty tame, and you’re aware that he at least wants to try some more intense stuff. The problem was that those were harder to be invited to. Hoseok could probably do something about it, but he tends to avoid parties on campus.
“Okay, then you should go for it,” you nod.
Yoongi and Namjoon, sitting on either side of you, approve. Jin looks a little surprised at your reaction.
“That changed your mind?”
“You said you wanted ‘the full college experience’,” Namjoon explains with a shrug. “If you think that’s part of it, we wouldn’t want to hold you back.”
“We will judge you for it, though,” Yoongi warns without batting an eyelid, pokerface perfect, and you laugh. You won’t be mean about it, of course. You just might tease him a little.
“Thank you,” Jin says. “I’ll do it, then.”
Good. If you’re lucky, it will be out of his system next time you all have lunch together.
Lady luck had never been on your side, for as long as you could remember. It wasn’t like you got the worst of things either, but usually, things that could go wrong, did go wrong. Because of that, you tried your best to remove those things from your path. Sometimes, though, you just didn’t manage to identify them.
And that’s why, when you hear Jin’s voice and look up from your food, being the first at the table as always, you see he’s accompanied by two people.
One of them has fluffy, dark brown hair, falling on either side of his face and in his eyes. He’s talking and laughing, and there’s something that you can’t help but identify as mischievous in his smile. The other is slightly taller, with jet black hair held up in a bun. He’s quiet, mouth opening for silent laughs when his friend jokes. Between them, there’s Jin, and you think that they look good together. All handsome, all holding themselves with confidence.
You had realized before that Jin felt out of place in your group, from an outside point of view at least, but it’s never been as striking as it is now, as he’s walking with people he clearly belongs with.
It makes you really thankful that he’s your friend.
“Hey,” Jin says, smiling widely, “these are—”
“You’re untying your hair before eating?” you say, looking at the guy with the bun who just sat opposite from you and took off his hair tie with a sigh. He looks up at you with wide round eyes, like you just caught him red-handed — doing what, you’re not quite sure.
That is the first thing you ever say to Jeon Jungkook.
“Um. Yes?”
“Aren’t you afraid you’ll get hair in your food?”
You know people find you too blunt sometimes, think you come off as aggressive, but you almost never intend for that to happen. In that case, you just think the logic here is a bit surprising.
“That’s… a good point, actually.”
“(Y/N),” Jin sighs, “let me introduce you to Jungkook” (he points to the man who’s now tying his hair back up) “and Taehyung.” (he points to the other guy, who’s flashing you a smile.)
“Oh,” you say, looking back at Jungkook. “You play basketball.”
He lets out an awkward laugh and avoids your eyes. Instead, he grabs his fork and focuses on it, twirling it in his hand.
“Yeah, I do— I do that.”
Huh. It takes you a second to piece things together, and you think Namjoon will be of great help once he’ll be there, but for now, one conclusion comes to you.
Jungkook is shy.
“I play basketball too,” Taehyung says, leaning over the table, grinning at you, and you can tell that it’s his way of swooping in to save Jungkook. You can appreciate that.
“She hates basketball,” Jin warns.
“That’s a strong word,” you say, but only half-heartedly, because, well, you definitely don’t like it.
“I think it works.”
“You think what works?”
Jin’s face falls while you grin. If Taehyung is Jungkook’s savior, Namjoon is yours. Your friend sends you a questioning look as he sits next to you, facing Taehyung. He gives polite nods to the two basketball players, like they sit with you at lunch every week, but you notice that he doesn’t quite meet their eyes. Namjoon is not particularly shy, nor a misanthrope like Yoongi, he just isn’t too comfortable around people he’s just met.
You and Jin, well, you’re perhaps a little too comfortable. Not everyone likes it.
“He says I hate basketball.”
“But that would imply you care about basketball.”
“Exactly.”
“And you don’t.”
“I know.”
“Which means you don’t hate basketball. As always, you’re wrong, Jin.”
Jin looks extremely, extremely done with you, but when you and Namjoon high-five, Jungkook laughs quietly and Taehyung nods in appreciation — for the gesture, not the debate.
That is the moment when Yoongi drops his tray on the table and sends a weird glance towards Taehyung and Jungkook.
“What did I miss?” he asks. His tone is a bit dry, and you see Jin’s shoulders straightening. He knows Yoongi is going to be the most difficult one to win over. Not that you’ve been won over yet, but you’re not that difficult. Usually, people don’t like you, not the other way around. You don’t blame them. You’re not sure you’d like yourself very much if you were in their place.
“Oh,” Jungkook says spontaneously, “we had a class together last year! You’re majoring in engineering, right?”
Yoongi looks at him. His eyes are shining with suspicion, and you can practically see the gears turning in his head. Knowing him, he’s definitely wondering why Jungkook would even remember him.
“Right,” he finally confirms, slowly.
There’s a moment of silence, which Namjoon breaks.
“I’m a literature major, by the way.”
“That’s really cool,” Jungkook comments honestly, with the same spontaneity he displayed earlier.
“And I’m in mathematics,” you say.
“Wow. I thought you people existed only in legends,” Taehyung says while Jungkook avoids your eyes. You decide that, yeah, you like Kim Taehyung.
“Don’t say that, I like maths,” Jungkook protests, voice soft, much to your surprise — and, judging by his reaction, Taehyung’s.
You were right, you decide. Jungkook is not a completely terrible person.
You didn’t expect it to become a routine, for Jungkook and Taehyung to eat with you guys, but it does, and as time goes on, other people join your little table. You’re not sure you like that. It’s clear that those people are orbiting around Jungkook, which, good for them, but you don’t see why you need to be there for that.
You do see that Jungkook is not completely comfortable with all of it. He’s good at handling people, good at making jokes and at laughing at the right times, you notice, but there is a stiffness in his shoulders more often than not, and it looks like he’s well-trained at it rather than enjoying it. It kind of reminds you of Jin, except Jin is not as quiet the rest of the time. Taehyung obviously does his best not to let his friend deal with things alone, which is sweet, but he can’t do everything for him.
You barely exchange a word with Jungkook during that time period. You’re usually trying to be forgotten when the table is buzzing with noise, finding refuge in Namjoon and Yoongi’s company. You thought Yoongi would be an ally in reclaiming what’s always been your spot, but it quickly becomes obvious that he has a crush on Taehyung’s friend Jimin, so he never complains about the recent invasion of the table by strangers.
You hear a lot of basketball vocabulary. More than you care for, to be honest. That’s one of the few moments when Jungkook’s face lights up and he gets truly excited, with an almost childish happiness. His demeanor changes, from shy to confident, and the transformation never ceases to amaze you. As soon as the conversation ends, his shoulders fall, he smiles awkwardly, and focuses back on his food or his phone.
You’ve met his eyes a few times in those moments, because he often looks around him like he’s afraid someone’s noticed. He averts his very quickly, though, so you’ve never said anything about it.
So, really, there’s not much that changes. You still only speak to your three friends — you think Taehyung is a good person, and you don’t think he hates you, but you don’t have anything to say to each other —, and sure, you have a little less space when you eat and more noise around you, but aside from that, it’s pretty much the same. You think that’s a relief. You’re not too fond of change.
Usually, you’re pretty decent at spotting it coming. You did miss it when Jin said he was going to become Jungkook’s friend, but other than that you’re able to do your best to avoid it. You don’t see anything coming the day Taehyung calls out your name, though. You look up at him from the book Namjoon is showing you, surprised. He has an arm slung over Jungkook’s shoulders, and Jungkook isn’t looking at you, of course.
“Do you think you could explain a maths-thing to Jungkook?”
You blink at him.
“What’s the ‘maths-thing’?”
“Does it matter?”
You raise an eyebrow, and Jungkook groans. You get the feeling that he didn’t really want Taehyung to ask you about it. He sends an annoyed glance to his friend, who is still smiling brightly at you, while pushing a lock of hair out of his face. His hair is tied, but this one traitorous lock always escapes.
“I’m struggling a little with probabilities,” he admits, glancing at you for half a second. “But I’m sure I’ll be fine once I can get my head back into it, I’ve just been training a lot recently and—”
“I can help you, if you want,” you say. “I’m not the most fond of probabilities, but it should be okay.”
“Great!” Taehyung says, patting his friend’s shoulder before Jungkook can answer. “You should do that then.”
“You’re sure you don’t mind?” Jungkook asks, actually looking at you this time. You meet his eyes, notice that he looks worried about it. You can’t figure out why.
“I really don’t,” you shrug.
He smiles at you, a small, hesitant smile, but a smile nonetheless. Probably the first one he directs at you. It’s a nice sight, you decide, and you smile back.
Jin’s sentence “is there anything Jungkook can’t do” takes all its sense on the day you meet Jungkook at the library to study. You don’t know what you expected. You never thought Jungkook was dumb or anything, but since Taehyung asked you to help, you thought he would have some difficulties, at least. However, as it turns out, he either understands immediately when you explain something to him, or he’s already understood it. He asks for some clarifications here and there, but all in all, you feel kind of useless.
“You don’t need me at all,” you say after a little while, and Jungkook looks up from the book with the worried wide-eyed look you’ve gotten used to.
“No, no, you’re doing a great job,” he protests. “You’re really helping me out here.”
“No I’m not. It’s obvious that you could do that all on your own.”
He deflates a little at that, looks away from you.
“You help,” he mumbles. “I have a hard time focusing when I’m alone.”
Oh.
That makes a lot of sense to you, actually. You’re good at focusing all of your energy on one thing, perhaps even too good, to the point where you easily get obsessed and become unable to take care of anything else, but even you need the right conditions for that.
“Okay,” you say with a nod.
Jungkook gives you an anxious look.
“So you don’t mind helping me out?” he asks, and there’s something in his voice that catches you, but you can’t tell what it is exactly. Maybe it’s the hope, or maybe it’s the fear. You don’t understand what he’d be afraid of. Worst case scenario, you would say no. That wouldn’t be the end of the world.
“We can work together,” you offer. “You can ask me if you need help for anything and I’ll just work on some other stuff.”
He seems relieved, and again, you just don’t understand it. It’s not like you’re his only option. There are plenty of people out there who could help him. Plenty of people who would jump at the opportunity of helping him. You know that, because he’s always surrounded by those people, and everybody in school seems to know him. Even when you walked into the library with him earlier, before you got to the table you’re sitting at now, a few students greeted him. You don’t see why he would attach any importance to you, specifically, helping him. You barely know each other.
“Thanks,” he says, and he gives you a small smile. For some reason, that makes you drop the subject. Instead of asking about it — which, knowing yourself, you probably would have — you shrug it off and reply with a nod.
The silence that follows feels comfortable, to you at least. You’ve never minded silence. Jin hates it, though. You get to work, watching absent-mindedly as Jungkook goes through the lesson he was working on. He does ask you a couple of questions, but it’s probably to make you feel like you’re doing something rather than because he actually needs it. You still answer them, and watch him grin, satisfied with himself, when he turns out to be right every single time.
“Are you coming to Taehyung’s party this week-end?” he asks out of the blue after about an hour.
You look up, surprised. The two of you haven’t exchanged much, and certainly have not talked about anything other than— well, other than maths. His eyes are on his notebook, as usual, and you don’t get any insight as to why he asked the question.
“I don’t know. Is Jin coming?”
“Uh, I guess? Taehyung’s probably talked to him about it.”
“Then I’m probably going.”
Jungkook mulls over your answer for a few seconds, twirling his pencil between his fingers, and you feel like you have to clarify, which is not an urge you have often. Usually, you let people decipher for themselves what you meant. That works very well with Namjoon, sometimes with Yoongi, not so great with the rest of the world. Including Jin, though Jin compensates with his impressive ability to interpret everything you say in his favor.
“We always go to parties with Jin. For moral support.”
For all that you tease him, you genuinely care for him. You know he wants you to go with him, so you do. It’s as simple as that.
Jungkook doesn’t look at you, but he still smiles at what you say, and it’s— it’s interesting. There’s something about his behavior that makes you curious, like you are when you’re trying to solve a complicated equation.
“That’s nice,” he comments.
“So… you’ll be there?” you ask. It’s taken you a long time to come up with that simple question. It often takes you a long time to find things to say to keep a conversation going. You’re pretty bad at it.
“It’s at my fraternity,” Jungkook informs you, glancing at you briefly, and you smile. This is exactly the type of party Jin wanted to go to. He’s probably happy about it. “The entire basketball team should be there.”
Great. People.
“That’s nice,” you say, because you have no idea what to add at this point. Jungkook simply nods, and the conversation dies an awkward death.
It’s another half an hour until Jungkook looks at his watch and starts putting his stuff back in his bag.
“I have to go to practice,” he tells you, clearly in a hurry. “Can we— Would you mind if—”
“We can do this again. If that’s what you meant.”
He gives you a bright smile, and that actually surprises you. He looks relieved that you finished his sentence for him.
“Thank you,” he says sincerely.
And just like that, he’s gone, practically running out of the library. For someone who talks as little as he does, he sure leaves a void when he goes away, you think, looking at the empty chair.
But you quickly shrug it off. You’re used to being alone. You like being alone.
Jungkook isn’t going to change that.
You realize very quickly that, while accompanying Jin to parties was never something you particularly enjoyed, going to this one was downright a mistake.
You have this unspoken rule, with your friends, that you shouldn’t stick together the entire time. You’re supposed to wander off, find something to do for yourself, maybe talk to some people. Get that college experience. You’ve never had a problem to do that, even if you ended up quietly sipping soda in a corner more often than not.
Here, though, you simply cannot shake off the fact that you don’t belong here, that this is not your scene. The people here are loud, energetic, garish. They make you feel like a black and white picture, like a silent movie. You want to run away, but you can’t. You don’t want to leave Jin, Namjoon or Yoongi behind, even if you doubt they’re having the same kind of problems you do. You’re pretty sure you saw Yoongi talking with Jimin, and last time you saw Namjoon, you think a cheerleader was holding him by the hand and leading him out of the room. You don’t know what Jin’s doing, but you’re trusting that he’s okay.
You walk around aimlessly, find Jungkook and Taehyung playing beer-pong with some people. Maybe you should be happy to see people you know, but you’re not. If anything, it only drives the point home even more to see them so comfortable: you don’t belong here. Your chest tightens, and you turn around. You need a little peace and quiet. You need to get away.
“(Y/N)!”
You jump at the sound of your name. No one’s said it since you’ve entered the house. No one knows you here.
Except Jungkook, who’s right behind you.
He’s more confident than usual, and you guess, based on his slightly hazy eyes, that it has a lot to do with alcohol.
“Are you having fun? How long have you been here? It’s nice to see you!”
He’s speaking fast, excitedly, and as he does, he runs his fingers through his hair, which he’s let down. It looks good on him, you decide, even as you reply to him with a tense smile.
“Hey, you should join us, we’re—”
“Do you have a closet somewhere?”
Jungkook blinks.
“A closet?”
“Yeah.”
There are probably very few things that are less weird than asking a guy if he has a closet you can get into because you’re on the verge of having a panic attack and you can’t stay outside surrounded by people a second longer.
Jungkook doesn’t say anything about it, though. He just leads you through the house and opens the door to a closet for you. You get inside without giving it much more thought, and he looks at you, puzzled. He’s actually looking at you, which you decide confirms that he is drunk.
“Do you— Are you waiting for someone?”
“No,” you say. “I just need a little break.”
He thinks about your answer for a while, probably longer than needed, and nods.
And then, he gets into the closet with you and closes the door.
Inside, it’s dark, with only a ray of light coming in. You can’t see his face, which doesn’t help you understand why he just did that. The space is cramped, and you can smell alcohol coming from his breath, can feel the heat radiating from his body, but it doesn’t bother you that much. It’s still better in here than outside.
“Why did you do that?”
“I thought I would keep you company. Like you’re here to keep company to Jin, you know?”
He’s drunk, definitely, and yet you feel genuinely touched by his words. You shouldn’t, because you doubt they hold that much meaning, but you can’t help it. You don’t need company, but that’s besides the point. His intentions are what matters.
“Thank you,” you say.
“It’s not a problem. You’re helping me with my maths.”
Your first reaction is to laugh at that, because it feels completely unprompted, but then the logic of the reasoning kind of appears to you.
“I mean it!” Jungkook protests. “You haven’t talked about how I’m good at everything or how I’m the one who should help you.”
You frown.
“You shouldn’t help me. You’re good at maths, but I’m better than you.”
It’s Jungkook’s turn to laugh, and just like his earlier smile, it takes you completely by surprise. It’s not one of those quiet laughs that he usually has. It’s light and pleasant, and you briefly wonder what his face looks like when he laughs like that. You kind of want to see it.
“You’re a scary person,” he tells you when he’s stopped laughing. “You always say those things directly. It’s like you don’t even care.”
You’ve heard that before. Well, you haven’t been called scary until now, but people have said that you were intimidating. You, personally, believe you’re the least threatening person to have ever walked this Earth. You couldn’t hurt a fly if you wanted to.
Jungkook makes some sense here, though. Your filter is very limited, and there are a lot of things you say that feel acceptable to you, and that other people… don’t think are acceptable. You don’t mean to do it. It just happens.
“I think you’re good at a lot of things, though,” you say slowly.
Jungkook lets out a long sigh and then you hear him sliding down to the ground. You hesitate for about half a second before joining him down there. You fold your legs, holding your knees against your chest while you wait for him to say something.
“People are always saying that,” he finally mumbles. “But what if I’m not that good? What if I fail one day?”
It’s strange. You understand what he’s saying, understand the feeling of pressure, but you don’t understand the emotions that should come with it. In your case, you know that no one holds you to a higher standard than you do. It can be unhealthy, the way you can torture yourself if you don’t meet the standards you’ve set for yourself, but at least you’re the only one you have to answer to. Obviously, it’s not Jungkook’s case.
“Then you’ll try again,” you say, because that’s what you do when you fail. “Or, if you think it’s not that important, you won’t.”
“But what will they say?” he insists. “What if we lose the next game? Or the one after that? What if I fail a class? I can’t get anything done these days.”
“You’ll be fine,” you say soothingly, half-wondering how you ended up here, comforting the college’s golden boy in a closet after fighting off a panic attack. “It’s not like you’re the only one in your team. People will understand.”
You think they will. You hope they will. They should.
“You would understand.”
It’s true, but then, you really do not care for basketball, and it’s not like you have that sort of expectations for Jungkook. You wouldn’t think much of it, if he failed at something tomorrow. If it was the maths test you’ve helped him with, you would be surprised, but that’s because you saw him studying and it was obvious he had understood everything, not because you think he can inherently succeed at everything he does.
Which you guess might be the heart of the problem here.
You reach out to put your hand on his shoulder. It’s not that easy in the dark, and you wonder for a second if you’ve grabbed something else, until you feel hair tickling your skin. Yup, you were right.
“You have the right not to be good at something every once in a while,” you say softly. “No one can be on top of their game all of the time.”
You hear what sounds like a choked sob.
“I like that they’re counting on me, you know? I like that I’m helping them out by playing. I just— I don’t know what’s going to happen when I stop being as good.”
He said when, not if, and that breaks your heart.
Without thinking about it, you slide your hand down his arm and grab his hand. You squeeze it in yours, gently, and then you inch closer to put your head on his shoulder. You remember reading that physical touch was good for people who were in emotional pain. You hope it helps him.
“You locked yourself in here with me because you thought I needed company,” you whisper. “There’s so much more to you than just being good at sports or having good grades. And if people don’t see that, it’s their loss. Because you’re a great person.”
He hums, but the sound is quiet, and it’s then that you realize how tense he is.
Shit. You must have crossed a boundary. You start to remove your hand, but he closes his fingers around yours, keeping you in place. He’s still tense, you can feel it everywhere his body touches yours. But he doesn’t let go.
“You mean that,” he says. There are so many emotions in his voice that you can’t identify them all. Relief, happiness, amusement… You don’t know where to start.
“I usually mean what I say.”
“I’ve noticed,” he says, and you can hear the smile that’s dancing on his lips.
He’s still not letting go of your hand, but you don’t mind. Staying here, with Jungkook, in this small closet is as good a way of spending your evening as anything else you could do out there.
So you stay.
“Where did you all vanish Saturday?” Jin asks, and Namjoon, Yoongi and yourself immediately find your food a lot more interesting. You exchange panicked glances that mean ‘did none of you stay around? This was poorly coordinated’ before finally daring to look up.
“I talked to Jimin,” Yoongi says, face as inexpressive as always.
“I played some beer-pong with Taehyung,” Namjoon says.
That leaves only you.
“I talked to Jungkook,” you tell Jin. That is technically true. It omits the part where the two of you were together in a closet, but if you said that, there would be a lot of questions you don’t really want to answer to. Somehow, you think you would be more embarrassed to tell them that there was nothing going on there than if you told them you hooked up with him. You’re not sure why.
“Jungkook disappeared for a long time,” Jin says, narrowing his eyes at you.
You do your best to keep a straight face while you poke at your salad. You don’t want anyone here to have the wrong idea, and you finally manage to put your finger on what you’re afraid of. Humiliation. You’d feel humiliated at having to tell them that nothing happened and that there is nothing Jungkook could possibly see in you. They would be nice to you, of course they would, but you don’t want to see the look in their eyes.
“Did he? Maybe that was after I left. I didn’t stay that long.”
That’s a lie.
“Really?” Jin asks, clearly skeptical. “I think I saw you there pretty late.”
Maybe when you went down to get some snacks and drinks to bring back to the closet. Damn Jungkook and his stomach.
“Well, that depends what you mean by ‘late’ and ‘long’,” you say.
That’s you calling Namjoon for help, and he recognizes your SOS for what it is. From the way Jin’s face falls, so does he.
“She’s right,” Namjoon comments, so nonchalant you would almost believe he’s doing it naturally. “What is ‘late’, really? Isn’t it always—”
“Please stop,” Jin groans, burying his face in his hands. “Just because you’re a literature major doesn’t mean you’re the only one who understands words.”
“Actually it does,” you say with a nod. “That’s exactly what it means.”
You start lifting your hand for a high-five, relieved Jin’s attention is off you, but he sends the two of you a dark glare.
“You two are unbearable. Don’t do that.”
“We have to,” you protest. You would hate to miss a chance to high-five Namjoon.
“No you don’t, you—”
“Actually they do,” Yoongi says, and your jaw drops. Yoongi never intervenes, and you had always thought that if he did, it wouldn’t be in your favor. “That’s exactly how gravity works.”
Jin looks like his soul has left his body. He only comes back to himself after you, Yoongi and Namjoon have all exchanged high-fives.
“I hate you,” he says, sounding terribly tired. “I hate every single one of you.”
“Sorry Jin,” you smile warmly.
“No you’re not. You’re the worst.”
Except he sounds fond, affectionate, and you laugh before going back to your salad. You miss the quick glances your three friends exchange after that. They’ve all noticed you eluding and changing the subject. They don’t want to rush you, know you would hate it and that it’s better to drop it.
But they’ve noticed.
Working with Jungkook on Wednesday afternoons easily becomes a habit, so easily you don’t even notice it until it’s something you look forward to during the week. It adds to the time you already spend eating with him and Taehyung. Jungkook is, slowly, starting to become a part of your life. It’s a thought you refuse to dwell on, because it sounds so strange.
The Wednesdays afternoons are something special, though. You and Jungkook don’t really talk at lunch, even if he’s clearly more relaxed around you now, which you suspect is the reason why you’re ‘Taehyung-approved’. On Wednesdays, you— Well, you don’t talk much, either, but it’s different. It’s a time that only belongs to the two of you. You like that.
You slowly find out things about him, his family, his life. It’s never the main subject of conversation, but it makes you feel like you’re solving a puzzle.
“My father wanted me to focus on my classes and forget about basketball,” he comments once. “But I could do both.”
It makes you laugh, because he says it with obvious satisfaction, but it also makes you wonder if there’s more to it. Jungkook doesn’t add anything, though, and you don’t want to probe into his life, so you don’t ask. After that, small pieces of the puzzle keep falling into place.
“My high school coach told me I could train more if I didn’t work so hard for school.” But he could do both.
“My friends said I never hung out with them anymore and that I shouldn’t work so hard.” So he did both.
It’s always the same story. People telling him things, giving him opinions on what the should and shouldn’t do, and him stretching himself thinner and thinner. It’s almost a miracle he’s still doing as well as he is, honestly.
But his tone changes when he talks about his former relationships. He’s usually light and genuine, sharing with you just because. It’s clear that, as much as the stories make you frown, he doesn’t have an issue with them, and you guess that’s all that matters. The first time he says something about an ex-girlfriend of his, though, he’s guarded, almost careful. He sounds like he doesn’t want to tell you.
“My ex said I worked too much.”
He doesn’t add anything. Whatever it was she wanted, he couldn’t do it and work. Didn’t manage to do both. After that, he doesn’t look at you for the rest of the day, like he did when you first met.
You never get a name for the girlfriend. He talks about relationships again, but you don’t even know if he’s always talking about the same one. You doubt it, though, and it only makes things worse.
“My ex wanted me to attend fewer practices.”
“My ex said I didn’t care enough to make time for her.”
“My ex dumped me after I lost a game.”
That last one hurts you, because you remember him crying in the closet because of that exact fear. You want to take his hand again, but you can’t dare to.
“She’s stupid for that,” you say instead.
Jungkook looks surprised first, because you never comment on what he’s telling you, then a smile slowly forms on his lips.
“If the only reason she was with you was because you won a lot of games, you’re better off without her,” you add.
“That’s what Taehyung said.”
“Taehyung’s right.”
Jungkook goes quiet for a little while after that, to the point that you look up, worried that you might have offended him. When you do, he’s looking at you, something you can’t identify shining in his eyes.
“Everything okay?”
He blinks like he’d just woken up for a dream, then nods. He doesn’t tell you that he hadn’t believed what Taehyung said — until you said it and he looked at you and thought that yeah, maybe he was better off without her indeed.
You’re surprised to run into Jungkook late one night, as you’re walking back to your dorm. It shouldn’t shock you — you do go to the same college — but you’re so used to only ever seeing him in the library or the cafeteria that meeting him outside is almost confusing. At least he seems taken aback as well, if the way his already round eyes widen is anything to go by.
Then, his surprised face morphs into a smile, and a wave of warmth hits you without a warning. You don’t get any time to think about it before he waves at you. His shyness is not completely gone, and you see him waver, hesitate, even as he’s walking up to you. You’re quick to close the gap between you, meeting him in the middle. Just in case.
“Hey,” he says, voice a little raspy. He has what you identify as a sports bag, slung over his shoulder, and you wonder what he was doing out so late. You were working at the library until it closed, which is far from being rare for you, but that obviously wasn’t his case.
“Hey,” you reply, smiling back. “Were you— training?”
Amusement flashes in his eyes at the careful way you chose your words, afraid to get it wrong. As he grew more comfortable around you, he also started making fun of you for not knowing the first thing about basketball. Strangely, you don’t mind that much.
“I was at the gym,” he says. “Practice was earlier today.”
“Oh,” is all you can muster. You don’t know what you’re supposed to do. Should you ask what he was doing at the gym? The answer would only leave you with more questions, you’re sure.
You’re still debating it when Jungkook clears his throat. He reaches for his ponytail and undoes it, shaking his head so the hair fall back into place. The sight is— interesting. Pretty. You’re not sure why you’re so fascinated by it.
“Do you want me to walk you back to your dorm?” he asks, slight concern in his voice. “It’s late.”
“Is it on your way back?” you question, frowning. You would hate to be a bother.
“No, but—”
“I’m fine, then. I do that several times a week, I’ve never had a problem.”
That was, apparently, not the thing to say. Jungkook only looks more worried now.
“Several times a week? That’s really not careful.”
“I don’t see a problem, there’s no one around.”
“That’s exactly my p—” He stops and shakes his head, but gives a look you’ve seen before. A lot. It’s a look that says ‘I can’t believe someone as smart as you can also be so stupid’, in those exact terms. “Expected value,” he then says, and your eyes widen a little. Maths! Great. You can do maths. “Let’s say there’s a 99% chance nothing happens. Your gain is still minimal.”
Well, you get to study late and enjoy a walk home alone at night, but you’re willing to humor him.
“But in the one per-cent where something bad happens…”
He doesn’t have to finish his sentence. You know exactly where this is going, and you let out a sigh. He’s not wrong. On that aspect, at least.
“Fine.”
He grins widely.
“I just beat you at maths.”
“You didn’t beat me, I—”
“I just beat you at maths!”
You roll your eyes, choose to let him have that. It’s not going to change anything to your behavior after tonight, because the day has not come where you’ll let probabilities rule your life, but, after all, you don’t mind sharing your night walk with him.
Jungkook starts showing up to walk you home whenever he can. It’s not every time, which you’re kind of thankful for — you like his company, but you like being alone just as much, and you need a healthy dose of that every week —, but it does happen regularly. You find him sitting in front of the library, freezing cold, and you take pity on him, buying him a coffee from the vending machine inside, seconds before they lock the building.
That’s how you find out he likes his coffee tasting as little like coffee as possible.
Sometimes, he joins you later, and you hear him jogging to catch up with you. You don’t have the heart to tell him that that defeats the purpose of everything he’s doing, because it’s absolutely terrifying.
As the days turn into weeks, the air becomes colder, and you start seeing Christmas decorations appearing over the campus. You don’t know who is in charge of doing that, but they must be excited about it, because tinsel and few strings of fairy lights start appearing around the campus at the end of November. Jungkook is delighted by it, and you enjoy watching his reactions. You’re not big on Christmas, personally. You enjoy the tradition, the gift-giving, spending time with your family — you’re visiting them briefly this year — but you mostly see Christmas as an excuse for all of that. Jungkook loves it, though, and you decide that his excitement makes you like the season a little more.
“Hey, we should make a stop,” he tells you one night.
You look at him like he’s crazy. It’s the middle of December and it’s already half past nine. You’re cold, it’s dark outside, and you want to go home.
“A stop?” you repeat.
“Oh, c’mon,” he says, and he has that wide, childish grin that you’ve seen only a handful of times. You haven’t learned how to resist it yet. “C’mon!”
You sigh. But you follow.
As it turns out, he takes you just a little way off your usual trajectory. Behind a building you’ve never really paid attention to, Jungkook leads you to a small basketball court. You eye the place suspiciously. It’s empty, well lit, but you never know. A ball might come out of nowhere to hit you in the face, as they had a tendency to do when you were in high school and playing for a team that had picked you last.
By the time you turn around to tell Jungkook that, okay, you’ve seen it, let’s go home now, he’s taken off his coat and pulled a basketball out of his bag. You don’t even want to ask. His grin is even wider than earlier.
“C’mon,” he says.
“Absolutely not.”
“Let me show you, okay?”
You want to say no but— It can’t hurt, right? And Jungkook loves basketball, and you’re his— friend or something, so you should try to take some interest in it.
You take off your coat and let him lead you onto the court. There, you watch him as he dribbles in what you guess is an effective way (you can’t know for sure, you’re barely able to catch the ball after it’s bounced once so your standards are incredibly low), and then demonstrates his ability to score a handful of times. It’s not that you’re not impressed — again, you can’t do anything with this unpredictable, devilish round thing — but you also can’t say this is a quality you think much of.
You liked it a lot better when he convinced you to let him walk you home by talking about the expected value.
“You want to try?” he offers, holding the ball out for you.
You would rather die.
But you take the ball from his hand and eye the basket like it’s personally offended you. That makes Jungkook laugh.
“You can get closer than that,” he says.
You hold back a groan, aim and, of course, fail. It’s almost a relief. You can cross that off your list, again, just like you did as a kid first, then as a teenager. You’re bad at sports, always have been and, considering the effort you’re putting into it those days, always will be. That’s something you can count on.
Before you can say anything, Jungkook’s caught the ball and is running back towards you.
“Okay, let me show you.”
Is he going to— No, he’s just demonstrating it. You’re kind of disappointed not to get your typical ‘guy teaching girl anything sports related’ moment, disappointed that he doesn’t come to stand behind you to show you like they do in movies, but you can’t unpack that right now. You do watch with some degree of interest as he shows you how to position yourself.
“So you really aim for the line above the basket, not the basket, okay?”
“If you think that just because I aim for something I hit it…”
He chuckles, then gives the ball back to you, and you sigh. This. This is why you hate sports. It’s not the one-off failure, that would be fine on its own. It’s the constant humiliation whenever you even try it. You’re going to fail this attempt, and the next one, and the one after that. You’re a lost cause. You’re fine with it, too, but you don’t particularly want to go through that again.
You do your best, though. Not because you think it will change something, but because you kind of want to prove that this isn’t all you. That, even if you’re trying your hardest, there’s just something that refuses to let you score or do it right.
“Wait!” Jungkook walks over to you, puts his hand on your back, and you freeze. “You need to straighten yourself a little,” he says, placing his hand between your shoulder blades, and you nod. His hand is warm and large, you can feel it even over your sweatshirt. “There.”
He removes the hand, and you’re left a little off balance without him by your side. You shake your head quickly, shoot, and, without any surprise, miss.
Jungkook is on the ball just as fast as before, but you’re as quick as him to grab your coat and put it back on. You’re already feeling warm all over, though.
“You don’t want to try again?” he asks, sounding genuinely disappointed.
Of course, you take pity on him.
“Maybe next time,” you say.
He gives you a bright smile, so genuinely happy, and you know that you won’t be able to deny him next time either.
Jin is the reason you’re here, and that is the version you will stick with. No, you didn’t want to go see a basketball game, even if Jungkook is playing. No, you didn’t feel the slightest bit curious about it. No, you would not be there if Jin hadn’t asked. It’s Jin’s fault if you’re here on a Friday night instead of being, well, at your place, likely doing something equally as unproductive.
You don’t even understand what is going on in the field. There’s a lot of running and throwing the ball, that’s for sure, but then, you’ve just learned that scoring from different places in the field and at different moments will not earn the players the same amount of points.
You don’t think you’ve ever seen your friends look at you with such consternation as when they had to explain it to you.
In that situation, you can’t say that you get much from looking at the field. You definitely follow Jungkook with your eyes, cheer and clap when he scores, and let out cries of disappointment with the rest of the crowd when he doesn’t, but truly, the only way you have any idea what’s going on is by looking at the score board. And the truth is, that score is a little too close for comfort.
You hate that it has that much of an impact on you, but it stresses you out. Your leg bounces on the floor, an habit of yours Jin hates, but he’s too focused to notice, which is only more stressful. Jin always notices, and if it doesn’t, it must mean that the situation is dire.
The remaining seconds are slowly ticking down. Jungkook’s team is ahead by only one point, which means that if the other team scores, they will win. You think. You’re not entirely sure, but for your defense, you’ve just heard about it. Jungkook seems to be everywhere on the field. Taehyung is his shadow, perhaps not as noticeable or as spectacular in his actions, but certainly effective.
Again, you have no knowledge of basketball whatsoever.
Jin grabs your thigh, and only then do you realize that something’s happened. The action was so quick, so smooth, that you missed it entirely — but maybe you were also kind of thinking of something else.
Someone from the other team — you don’t even know your school’s team’s players, you’re not going to learn the other ones — just made a break for it. Based on what you can tell, Taehyung blocked his path, pushing him straight into Jungkook’s arms. In a movement you cannot begin to comprehend, Jungkook takes the ball from him, without ever stopping his run.
After that, he’s unstoppable.
He crosses the field, looking almost like he’s dancing in the way he avoids his opponents, and, of course, scores.
The time falls to zero. The crowd stands up like one man, screaming and shouting, and you yourself find yourself jumping up to hug Jin. He hugs you back, but the two of you quickly separate, patting each other’s backs awkwardly.
Jin starts talking with Namjoon and Yoongi, but you tune them out — it’s not like you understand what they’re saying anyway — to look at the field. The players have lifted Jungkook on their shoulders and he’s laughing, holding on to them so he doesn’t fall, and you grin.
“Come on,” Jin says, “let’s go congratulate him!”
That sounds like a terrible idea, you think. You won’t be the only ones, as the crowd has already invaded the field, and you doubt you’ll be able to get very close.
You still follow him. You alternate between clinging to his arm and to his shoulders so you don’t lose him, and trust him to elbow his way through the crowd. You hear him apologizing profusely in front of you, but he does not stop. Slowly, you make it down. Once you’re off the stairs, people are not as compactly gathered, and you can just walk between them. Jin grins at you, and you give him a thumbs up. Yeah, he did good here. You can give him that.
“Hey, Jungkook!” he calls out.
Jungkook was talking with some girls, but he looks up at the sound of his name, excuses himself, and jogs towards the two of you.
And it is then, in the few seconds it takes him to get to you, that it hits you. Like a ton of bricks.
You had known that Jungkook was objectively attractive, of course. There was no ignoring that. But Jin was objectively attractive, too, and that had never changed anything between the two of you. With Jungkook, right now, it does. His skin is glistening with sweat, and he wipes his chin with his shirt, and oh no, you can see his well-defined biceps and the line of his abs, and some hair is escaping from his ponytail, and he’s grinning with a happy, proud smile, and his eyes are shining and—
Jungkook is hot. That’s your realization. You had been aware of it, technically, but it’s like it only clicks for you at that exact moment.
“You came,” he tells you with a bright smile, and you can feel your entire face heating up. You pray that it’s not visible.
“Yeah,” you squeak out. “Great, um, great game?”
It sounds like an interrogation because you have no idea if it was one. It looked difficult, but maybe that was because they played terribly today. You don’t know that.
Jungkook’s smile widens a little, and you know that he has you all figured out. He knows you don’t understand the first thing about this whole thing.
“Thanks,” he still says.
His chest is still heaving quickly, and it draws your attention to his— his everything. The way he’s leaning towards you as he’s trying to catch his breath doesn’t help either. You wait for Jin to say something, to save you, but when you look around, you realize the traitor has abandoned you completely.
Okay, he hasn’t technically abandoned you, he’s just gone to congratulate Taehyung, but it’s the same difference.
You hear someone else calling Jungkook’s name before you’ve figured out what to say. He looks around, then gives you an apologetic look.
“Sorry, I—”
“No problem, you should— I have to go anyway.”
This is not like you. You’re an awkward person, and you struggle in social situations, but you don’t usually trip over your words like that. You kind of hate it.
“Okay, so, um, I’ll see you…?”
“Wednesday, yeah. Or— before. At lunch. If you’re there.”
This is terrible.
“Okay.” Jungkook gives you one last smile, and then he’s off, and you’re standing alone in the middle of a crowd. Your chest is heavy and it feels painful.
You hate this.
It’s only after that that you start realizing how big of a part Jungkook now plays in your life. He walks you home at night sometimes. You eat with him once or twice a week. You study together for an entire afternoon on Wednesdays. He’s just— everywhere. And it’s not that it’s a bad thing, because the feeling you get when you see him is a pleasant one, but it is disconcerting. It’s something that you have no control over whatsoever and that’s not— that’s not good for you.
You realize how much attention you were already paying to him, too, which is even more annoying. The signs were there. You should have understood this sooner. If you had, maybe you could have prevented it.
Because that’s the thing. You know the situation is ridiculous. You believe Jungkook sees you as a friend, and you’re happy with that, but there is no way he thinks of you as anything else. That is not an idea you should even begin to entertain. You can handle rejection, you’re used to it in so many aspects, though it’s rarely romantic, but you cannot take getting your hopes up only for them to be crushed.
The thing is, you can’t help it at this point, can’t force your feelings back in. There is so much to like about him. The way he plays with his hair, the quiet laughs when he’s in public, the loud ones when he’s walking you home, the sparkle in his eyes when he asks you a question in maths and it turns out he already had it right, the look on his face when he talks about basketball,… There’s so much.
You briefly consider avoiding him, but that’s not really an option. You like being his friend. You see your feelings as annoying, pesky little things that have no business being there in the first place. You don’t even hate the rush that goes through you when you see him, the way just looking at him brings a smile to your lips that you simply can’t hold back.
But you really, really hate the wishful thinking. The hope.
The feelings are fine, as long as you don’t think too hard about it. As long as he doesn’t have a girlfriend. Because that would break your heart.
And it’s only a matter of time before that happens.
You really considered declining when Jin asked you to come to this New Year’s party. Your last experience had effectively convinced you that those new parties he was getting invited to were not for you. That was fine, to each their own, but that did mean you didn’t really want to go. He clearly didn’t need you there anyway. You didn’t even know why he asked.
But he did, and he insisted, and he gave you his best puppy eyes, and that’s the thing about Jin: he’s very, very good at giving puppy eyes.
So that’s why you’re there, wearing a red dress that’s way too flashy for you, leaning against a wall and staring into the void. You feel empty and, though you’re not alone, lonely. You’re surrounded by strangers, and there are people everywhere in the house, but you don’t know them, and you can’t just start a conversation with them. It’s not something you do, it’s not even something you want.
You haven’t felt the urge to lock yourself inside a closet yet, though, so you guess that’s an improvement compared to last time.
Looking around, you can see Jimin, perched on the counter, listening to Yoongi talk with a smile on his face. Jin is somewhere else in the room and, though you can’t see him, you sometimes hear him, so you know he has his flirting voice on. Namjoon is nowhere to be seen, but that’s probably a good sign. He always get lucky at those parties. You don’t know how he does it. It’s impressive, honestly. Hoseok showed up earlier, and everyone greeted him like he was a star — which is kind of accurate, actually, at the campus’ scale.
You know, of course, that Jungkook and Taehyung, as inseparable as ever, are by the pool table. You also hate that you know it, because now your mind is constantly wondering if it’s weird that you haven’t been there yet, or if it would be weird to show up. Neither, probably, because exactly no one cares except for you, but you’re the master of torturing yourself with useless considerations.
God, you hate having a crush. It’s just so— unpractical. You also hate that you didn’t see that one coming, and that you didn’t do anything about it until it was too late. Usually, you’re pretty good at nipping those kinds of feelings in the bud. Now, you can only wait it out.
With a sigh, you push yourself away from the wall to wander aimlessly around the house. You promised Jin you’d stay until midnight, and you intend to keep that promise. It’s not like there’s anything for you to do, but still, that way you can look like you’re doing something and look a little less weird. Or maybe you don’t. It doesn’t really matter anyway.
Passing in front of the room with the pool table, you realize that Jungkook is gone. Taehyung is still there, playing with Hoseok, both looking pretty wasted, but Jungkook has vanished. That’s not good. You don’t want him to spring up on you out of nowhere like he did last time. You won’t know how to react if that happens, probably fumble for words, and it will be very unpleasant and very embarrassing for everyone.
You consider finding another closet, then decides against it. There’s just fifteen minutes left until midnight, anyway. That’s not too long. You can just wait it out.
You slowly make your way through the house. No sign of Jungkook anywhere. Maybe he left. Maybe he’s already back to the pool table and you missed him completely. Maybe he’s locked himself in a room with a girl and—
Oh you hate this. You hate feeling jealous. You hate that you have no control over it, you hate that it makes you sad, you hate that you have no right to feel like that. Jungkook isn’t yours. He’s probably even considered you for anything. You should consider yourself lucky you’re even friends with him in the first place.
You do your best to push everything out of your mind. Alcohol has never looked more tempting, but you don’t want the hangover with the morning, so you ignore the inviting bottles of beer and walk out.
It’s freezing — of course it’s freezing, it’s December you idiot, is there anything you can do right tonight — and you shiver, but you stay there. The cold is both numbing and soothing, and while you’re mentally complaining about it, you’re not thinking about anything else, so that’s good.
The door opens and closes behind you, and you guess someone is coming out to smoke. You move over to give them some space, but just as you do that, a jacket falls over your shoulders. You jump at first, and then the warmth makes you sigh in relief.
“You shouldn’t go out without a coat,” Jungkook says, because of course it’s him.
“I feel that you’ve been scolding me a lot recently,” you chuckle, glancing up at him.
He pouts, buries his hands in his pockets. He’s obviously cold as well, but at least his shirt covers his arms.
It also hugs his muscles real nice, but that’s besides the point.
“That’s because you make very poor decisions,” he mutters, looking at his feet. “You have to realize that.”
“You’re right. I could have taken my coat outside.”
“You know that walking back all alone in the middle of the night is way worse,” he protests, and then you laugh, because that’s exactly what you wanted, and he goes quiet for a second. “Don’t make fun of me,” he mumbles, looking away from you again.
“I’m not,” you say, and you take a step in his direction so you can bump your shoulder against his. “You shouldn’t worry that much, but I think it’s nice that you do. I was just trying to get a rise out of you.”
“That worked really well,” he says, and he sounds surprised about it. You wonder if it’s because he usually doesn’t get angry for stuff, but you can’t tell for sure. “Hey, you—”
People start shouting numbers inside, and you turn around to look at them.
“It’s midnight,” you say.
“Five!”
You look up at Jungkook. He’s significantly taller than you. Not as much as Namjoon, but still.
“Four!”
Jungkook looks back at you, smiles, and it takes your breath away. His hair looks very good like that, you think absent-mindedly, with the way it falls on either side of his face.
“Three!”
It’s too late to go back inside now. It would definitely be a weird thing to do. Which means you’re here, alone, with Jungkook.
“Two!”
Your eyes flicker to his lips. You wonder what it would be like to kiss them. You haven’t let yourself even consider it before, but right now your brain isn’t functioning all that well. Probably because of how loud your heart is beating in your chest.
“One!”
You look back up and his eyes are wide and focused on you. There’s that same tension in his shoulders as when you first met him, except, back then, he couldn’t look at you, and now it seems that he can’t look away.
“Happy new year!”
You decide you shouldn’t think about your next move. You get on your tiptoes to plant a kiss at the corner of his lips, right at the border between friends and something else, but he leans forward right at that moment, and his hands cup your face, and then he’s kissing you.
It’s like an explosion. You don’t know what you should focus on. How warm he is, how soft and large his hands are, how his lips move against yours, how he tastes, or simply the fact that he’s kissing you, Jungkook is kissing you!
The door slams open, and the two of you move away in a jump.
“Happy new year Jungkook!” Taehyung shouts, obviously drunk, soon joined by several other members of the basketball team. If he’s seen what happened, he doesn’t say anything, and you doubt Taehyung would have that kind of control over himself.
Soon, Jungkook is surrounded and they start to drag him back inside. He gives you a brief, apologetic look, then follows them, laughing. You remain there, frozen, unsure of what to do. You take a hesitant step towards the door, only to see a girl planting kisses on his cheeks while he blushes. What gets to you, though, is the arm he’s wrapped around her, the way he’s tracing circles on the naked skin of her shoulder. It makes the gesture look… intimate. Personal.
You let out a brief, bitter laugh, that there is fortunately no one to hear. You feel confused, but mostly, you feel stupid.
Fuck that.
It doesn’t take long for you to drop the jacket onto a chair and find your coat. You wish a happy new year to Namjoon, when you pass by him on your way out, and he looks a little surprised, like he hasn’t heard the shouting. You don’t want to know what he could have been up to.
You’ve kept your end of the bargain, you think as you leave. Jin won’t be able to complain to you. You feel some petty sort of satisfaction when you step outside and find yourself alone alone, finally. You like this. You like being alone. You’ve never asked for anything else.
You give one last look to the party, then vanish into the night. You’re better off on your own anyway.
“I don’t think I’ll be coming,” you say, nonchalantly, as everyone around the table is talking animatedly about a party for the next week-end.
You had hoped it would go unnoticed in the middle of the conversation, but, unfortunately, that doesn’t go as planned. Taehyung turns horrified eyes towards you, Jin, Namjoon and Yoongi all look surprised, and Jungkook… You don’t know how to read him. There’s that surprise, as well, but then he looks down before you can tell anything else. Not that that changes much. He’s barely looked at you today.
You haven’t talked to him since New Year’s Eve. You had other things on your mind, and then he didn’t show up at the library last Wednesday.
“What do you mean, you won’t be coming?” Jin asks. “You always come to parties.”
You shrug. You don’t miss the alarmed looks your friends are exchanging, and you’re sure Namjoon can see through you. Because it’s not like you to do something like that, whatever reason you may give.
“I don’t like them. They’re too loud, and I can’t say that I really enjoy standing alone for half the night.”
“You could stay with us,” Namjoon offers.
“And watch you pick up a girl every time? No thank you,” you reply with a disgusted shiver.
“You could stay with me,” Yoongi says.
You give him a look, and he grimaces, backing down immediately. Okay. He can see why you wouldn’t want that either. Plus he’s pretty sure that Jimin and him are about to get it on after weeks of flirting, so it’s probably not a great idea.
“What about me?” Jin asks. He doesn’t sound as energetic as usual, his voice almost quiet, and you realize that he probably feels bad because of what you said. He knows you come to those parties because of him, so knowing you don’t have fun at all when you’re attending — you understand that he might feel responsible.
“I think I would bore you very quickly,” you chuckle. “You’re not going to get the fun you want with me. But it’s fine, really. I tried it, and now I know it’s not for me. I can just—”
“No,” Taehyung says.
You blink.
“No?”
“I’m taking this personally,” he tells you, looking you dead in the eye. “You’re coming to this party and I’m going to make you enjoy yourself.”
You’ve never seen him so serious, and you can’t help it. You burst out laughing.
“Taehyung,” you say softly when you’re done. “I appreciate that, I do, but I don’t want to do that anymore.”
Taehyung opens his mouth, then winces and closes it. You’re not sure what happened there, but he gives Jungkook an offended look.
“I’m sorry,” you add. “I’m sure your parties can be great, but—”
“I get it,” he sighs. “But you owe me.”
You’re not sure why, but fine.
“And you can’t say anything bad about those parties, to anyone. Ever.” In that moment, he looks almost threatening, and you blink, confused. He can’t possibly take it that seriously, can he?
Then he yelps and rubs his leg. He gives Jungkook another annoyed look, but Jungkook doesn’t even look up from his food.
“Leave her alone,” he just mumbles.
Taehyung rolls his eyes, but doesn’t add anything. He does give you a long, pointed glance, though, before muttering under his breath something that sounds a lot like “I won’t let that slander stand,” and you think that’s hilarious too.
When you risk a glance at Jungkook, his arms are folded over his chest, and he looks deep in thought. He’s chewing on his bottom lip, eyes focused on his meal, though he’s not touching it. It’s stupid, but the image of a child that has just been scolded flashes in your mind.
“Jungkook? Is everything alright?”
He jumps at your question, looks at you like a deer caught in headlights. Your eyes meet, but it’s extremely brief, and your chest tightens. This sucks. You thought the two of you had gotten past that now, and you hate that you lost what you had. It’s not like it’s your fault. He kissed you, and then he bailed on you first chance he got. Why would he do that, why would he risk it, if he was going to react like that afterwards?
“I’m fine,” he says with a tense smile, and you doubt it’s true, but you don’t know what you should ask him to confront him about it. You don’t want to talk about the kiss ever again. You certainly don’t want to do it in front of your friends.
So you jump on the first chance you get to leave the table. You don’t ask yourself if it’s a weird thing to do. It probably is, but fuck it, you’re weird, and everyone else can deal with it. You refuse to subject yourself to something unpleasant longer than absolutely necessary.
Except the looks you get are mostly concerned ones, from Namjoon and Jin. Jungkook does look up as you walk away, eyes following you almost longingly, and then he lets out a long sigh that catches Taehyung’s attention. He doesn’t say anything, but he narrows his eyes at him.
God. He really has to get everything done here, doesn’t he?
At first, you think that this is it. Your— your whatever it was that you had with Jungkook is over. You’ll see him around every now and then, and maybe he’ll give you a polite nod, though it doesn’t look like he would even do that right now, but there won’t be anything else. You’ll go back to being basically strangers, and it will be fine, because really, nothing happened there, right? You had a crush on him, he kissed you once, and then nothing. It’s fine. You’ll be fine.
Sure, it makes you a little sad. Sure, you catch yourself looking at him while he’s surrounded by girls who are all so much better for him than you ever were, and it hurts a little. Sure, walking back home alone at night is a little more unpleasant than it used to be, but that’s the thing. It’s only a little. You would almost pat yourself on the back for it. Congrats, (Y/N). You made it out before you got too attached. You probably avoided a world of hurt.
Because you know. You know that if you had gotten in too deep, it would have hurt like hell to not have Jeon Jungkook. And sure, it hurts right now.
But only a little.
You’re good. You’re safe. You know that Namjoon and Yoongi would nod if you told them about it. They understand, in a way a lot of other people don’t. You don’t think that Jin would, for example. He would tell you to take the risk, not understanding that people like Jungkook used to pick you last for their teams when you were in high school, not understanding that as far as you’re concerned, you’ve handled more than enough rejection throughout your life. But Namjoon and Yoongi… They’re definitely more successful than you in matters of the heart, but they would still understand. Not that you’re going to tell them about it, because it’s a stupid story, because there never was anything there, and because you’d feel really dumb talking about how you thought, how you hoped that— You’re not going to tell them anything. At least everything’s okay now.
And then, Jungkook appears at your usual table at the library on a Wednesday afternoon. He drops his bag on the floor and takes a seat next to you. You’re surprised to see him when you look up, too focused on your studies to notice him approaching. He has big, wide doe eyes, and he watches your reaction carefully.
“You’re— This seat isn’t taken?”
You shake your head. No. People rarely come here, and you don’t really study with people. Well, didn’t, you suppose.
“Do you mind if I sit here?“
“The seat’s free. You can take it if you want.”
You don’t know what to do. You don’t know how to react. This wasn’t supposed to happen. You never considered that Jungkook would— That he would—
“I, um, I like studying with you. It helps me focus,” he says, eyes flickering away from you. “So, if you don’t mind I’ll— Can I come back here on Wednesdays?”
You want to tell him that you can’t stop him, that he can do whatever the hell he want, but even though it’s on the tip of your tongue, you don’t.
“Of course you can,” you say instead.
Jungkook looks up long enough to flash you a smile, and you know. This isn’t over, and you’re not going to be fine. You’re probably going to feel crushed, sooner than later, and you could have stopped it all right now.
You think about Yoongi and how not like him it is to be doing what he is with Jimin. How he’s taking a risk. How it could oh so easily not have paid off.
It’s going to, of course. You just need to look at Jimin’s eyes when he’s talking to Yoongi to know that. But Jungkook doesn’t look at you like that. Jungkook doesn’t look at you at all.
And yet here you are. Taking that exact same risk.
God. You can be so stupid some times.
Jungkook glances at you quickly while you’re deep in thought, tapping your pencil against your cheek, and a small smile forms on his lips. He’s quick to glance away, because he would hate it if you caught him, of course, but the smile doesn’t fade.
He couldn’t have forced it to do so if he tried.
“You have to come to the next game.”
“Taehyung, hey, nice to see you to, I’m doing fine, I—”
“I’m serious, (Y/N). I know you hate basketball and everything that breathes, but—”
“I don’t hate you.”
“—this is really important and— Wait, really? Thank you. I feel that means a lot coming from you.”
“Is that how you see me? I don’t hate everyone, Taehyung.”
“Can you give me a list of people you don’t hate?”
“Well, you, Jin, Yoongi, Namjoon…”
“Jungkook?”
“…Sure. Jungkook. Why do you want me to come to the next game?”
“Because we might lose.”
“And I’m supposed to change that how?”
“You owe me, remember?”
“I— Because of the parties? Seriously? I need to sit through hours of you guys running after a ball because I don’t like parties?”
“I would really appreciate it if you could avoid describing basketball as ‘guys running after a ball’.”
“I would really appreciate not having to go watch the game.”
“Don’t you want to support your friends on the team?”
“Ugh. Fine. I’ll be there. Just— stop that thing you’re doing with your eyebrows. Why are you even doing that?”
“You’re so slow. How are you so slow? I thought you were supposed to be smart!”
“Taehyung…”
“Just be there!”
“I will.”
“You better!”
“Or what, what will you— Taehyung! You can’t just run off like— Well. I guess he could.”
You hadn’t thought sitting through a basketball game could become a more painful experience to you than it already was. As it turns out, you were wrong. It was so much worse when the people you wanted to win were losing. Despite yourself, you found yourself getting invested, standing up and shouting encouragements along with Jin and Namjoon, and protesting loudly when things didn’t go your way.
You were not cut out for this. Not because you still didn’t understand half the rules — you could have by now if you had made the effort of memorizing them — but because of the stress. God, how did your friends handle that regularly? How did the players handle it? You kept looking at Jungkook. You could tell how unhappy he was with the situation, could see the disappointment settling in. He also seemed to get more nervous as time went by, which didn’t help his performance, and his words kept echoing in your mind.
”I don’t know what’s going to happen when I stop being as good.”
You’re half way through the game and things are not looking good when Taehyung waves you over. You run to the railway, straining to hear him, and when you finally understand what he’s saying, you regret making any effort at all.
“You can’t possibly be serious!”
But he is.
“You owe me, (Y/N)!”
“I’m already— What’s it even going to do?”
“Trust me on that one, okay?”
You glare at him, but he’s looking at you with his beautiful brown eyes, and there’s nothing you can do against that. You sigh deeply. Your heart is beating wildly in your chest just thinking about what he’s asking you to do. Maybe it’s not such a big deal for him, that sort of stuff, but for you— For you it’s downright insane to even consider.
“Kim Taehyung,” you hiss through gritted teeth, “if this goes bad, I’ll kill you and plant your head on a stick outside of my door to warn my enemies not to underestimate me.”
He has the audacity to shrug at that.
“It won’t go bad.”
You look up. Take a deep breath. And call Jungkook’s name.
The gym is insanely loud, and it takes both you and Taehyung’s efforts, as well as a lot of waving, for Jungkook to notice you. When he does, though, he runs towards you, worry obvious on his face. He’s looking directly at you for once, and the intensity of his stare almost makes you shiver.
“Is everything alright?” he asks when he gets there, eyes scanning you quickly to make sure that you’re okay.
“It’s fine, I just—”
“What are you doing here? You hate basketball. Did something happen?”
You shake your head. You don’t know how you’re supposed to do this, especially when he’s looking so puzzled and when he’s questioning your sanity for showing up at one of his games. You glance over at Taehyung who gives you a decided nod.
Ah. Fuck it.
Leaning over about as far as you can go, you cup Jungkook’s face, and as his expression turns to one of surprise, you kiss him. If people around notice or have a reaction, you can’t tell, because Jungkook pushes himself against you and buries his hand in your hair as he holds you. There’s not much space left for thinking in your mind, instead entirely consumed by thoughts of him. He’s completely sober this time, and you don’t taste alcohol on his tongue. He’s also not going as slow, almost desperately kissing you back, one strong hand supporting you so you don’t fall over, and you just melt.
It takes everything in you to push yourself away. When you do, you’re breathless, and he’s staring at you with eyes even wider than usual. You’re pretty sure Taehyung would want you to give an encouraging speech right now, but you don’t want to do that right now.
“I really don’t care if you’re winning or losing games,” you say instead. “If you’re sad, I’ll be sad with you, but it’s never going to change anything in how I see you. But I’ll be here encouraging you.”
He grabs your hand, squeezing it tight.
“Promise?” he asks, almost childishly.
You’re not sure which part he’s referring to, but they’re all true, so you nod.
“I promise.”
He smiles, and then both him and Taehyung are running back across the field and getting yelled at by their coach, but even from where you’re standing, you can see their smiles.
You guess that means you’re not going to murder Taehyung.
“This is actually insane. How is Jungkook even doing that?” Yoongi asks in disbelief after Jungkook scored extremely impressively yet again, and you fidget in your seat. You’re very happy to see that, though you don’t how you feel about the smug looks Taehyung is sending you, but you don’t want—
“It’s the power of love,” Jin says, nodding like he just gave an essential truth to the meaning of life.
—this. You, very specifically, don’t want this.
“Jin,” you sigh, “there’s no such thing as—”
“Actually,” Namjoon interrupts you, “I think he’s right. The power of love is a thing, and I think this is a perfect demonstration of it.”
You gape at him, in shock. He betrayed you?
“Did you just—”
“Namjoon’s right,” Yoongi nods. “This is how the power of love works. You take love, and you turn it into strength.”
And then, him, Jin and Namjoon high five, and you gasp. Traitors. All of them.
But after that, Jimin says off-handedly “Maybe you should come and kiss me before my next competition” and Yoongi’s brain visibly stops functioning, so you consider yourself avenged.
After the match, you wait for Jungkook outside of the locker room. Jin insisted you should go celebrate on the field, but you had declined. It felt like the situation required something a little more private, so now you’re here, leaning against the wall, looking at your phone so you’ll seem busy, even if there’s nothing on there to occupy yourself.
You’re not the only one there, and that doesn’t help soothing your nerves. There are a lot of girls, all pretty and smiling. It makes you feel like a groupie, and you don’t like it. You’re relieved for a second when the door opens and the team comes out, but it doesn’t last long, because the girls are soon surrounding them. You remain where you were standing, watching the whole thing happen. It takes a few moments before you notice Jungkook’s bun standing out of the group, and it makes you smile.
You catch Taehyung’s eye first, and, after you’ve sent him a glare that you hope was threatening, he pushes Jungkook out of the group. At first, he seems confused, before he finally finds you. You wave at him hesitantly. He blinks a few times, his eyes wide, then walks towards you.
“Hey,” he says when he joins you. He’s towering over you. Usually, you don’t like that, and you’ve complained about having to look up at Namjoon more than once, but you don’t necessarily mind right now.
“Hey,” you reply.
Silence stretches between the two of you as you try to think of something to say. You should have prepared a speech, you know that, but you’re pretty sure you wouldn’t have been able to say it either.
“Taehyung told me he told you to kiss me,” Jungkook blurts out after a while, looking away from you, and you give him a surprised glance. “So, you don’t have to—”
“No, I wanted to kiss you,” you interrupt him, a puzzled frown forming on your face.
Jungkook’s head whips back towards you, and you just stare at him in confusion.
“Do you really think I would have kissed you just because Taehyung asked me to?”
“Well you— you came to the game because he asked you to, right?”
“That’s not the same—”
“Jungkook!” someone from the team calls. “We’re going to grab a bite to celebrate, do you wanna come?”
Jungkook sighs, then gives you a sharp look.
“You wanted to kiss me,” he repeats.
You nod.
“Why?”
You bite your lower lip, and you’re not oblivious to the way his eyes fall to your mouth when you do.
“And I’m the blunt one,” you mumble.
“Sorry, I–”
“No, no, it’s fine, it’s just— I wanted to kiss you because I like you. Obviously.”
Jungkook swallows, and you can see his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. He looks over his shoulder at his friends.
“You can go without me!”
There are some protests, but he ignores them to give you his entire attention. It’s… not an unpleasant feeling.
“You disappeared after I kissed you the last time,” he says.
“You left,” you protest immediately. “You kissed me, and then the second your friends arrived, you acted like nothing happened and you left.”
“I didn’t want to— I just— They’re really annoying about that stuff, you know? I thought it would probably be better if I talked to you after— ‘m sorry. I didn’t— didn’t realize it—”
You look at Jungkook, watch him fumbling for words, and it hits you like a ton of bricks, how much you do like him. Those words really don’t do it justice, and maybe you’re not quite ready to talk about love just yet, but you like him so much, so much it makes your heart swell, so much you don’t think what what he’s trying to tell you would change anything to it, and yet what he’s trying to say is exactly what prompts your realization. He didn’t want to hurt you. Wanted this to be private, for just the two of you, wanted to see how you felt about it. And maybe he went the wrong way about it, but it means everything that he was trying.
“Walk me home?” you ask.
Jungkook finally stops his rambling.
“Are you sure?”
Of course, he has to ask that now, after weeks of trying to convince him to let you walk on your own. Still, you smile and nod, and when you start walking side by side, you grab his hand. He freezes temporarily before grinning and squeezing your hand, pulling it into his pocket so you won’t be too cold, because the air of January is chilling.
“Congratulations for the game,” you say after a long, comfortable silence. You had almost forgotten about it.
“Thanks,” he chuckles. “I had some help.”
And then, he winks at you, and your heart misses a beat. That’s when you understand something you hadn’t even considered before: if Jungkook stops being shy around you, you’re done for. You’ll be the one constantly flustered.
“So,” you say, slowly, trying to keep yourself composed, “why did you kiss me?”
“Um. Same as you?” Jungkook’s confidence disappears, and he returns to his awkward self, and you see that, as much as you like it, you want him to be comfortable around you. But that doesn’t mean you can’t tease him a little.
“What do you mean by that?” you ask innocently.
He gives you a horrified look that soon turns to an offended one when he notices you grinning widely.
“You’re so mean,” he says, but he’s smiling too, “you’re the meanest person I know.”
You’re laughing at that point, as you stop in front of your dorm.
“That’s not an answer.”
“Fine,” he sighs dramatically. “I kissed you because I like you.”
It’s funny. You knew that was what he was going to say, knew it was coming, and yet it gets to you all the same.
“With you, I don’t feel like I have to be the school’s star, you know? I can just be— Jungkook. You don’t expect me to be anything else.”
He’s right. You like Jungkook. With his insecurities and his flaws. You don’t want him to perform for you, and you don’t care what he’s doing right and wrong. Just studying maths in the library with him makes you happy.
He eyes your dorm and takes a deep breath.
“I should go,” he says.
You hum.
“Yes, it would be a really bad idea if you came up tonight.”
But you’re not letting go of his hand, and he’s close to you now, close enough that you can feel his breath catching in his throat. It makes you smile.
“You’re so mean,” he repeats.
This time, instead of laughing, you kiss him, and it’s completely different from the two previous times. There is no uncertainty in this kiss, no surprise, no pressure, no fear. It’s perfect. Jungkook’s hand comes to cup your cheek, his lips soft against your own. His long fingers gently stroke your jaw as he keeps the kiss chaste and sweet. It only makes you yearn for more and when he moves away, you can see in his eyes that he wants more as well.
You just don’t think he wants it now.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, then?” you ask.
“I’ll meet you for lunch,” he says solemnly, and it rings like a promise, which makes you smile.
When you move away, though, he doesn’t let go of you, and a pouty expression appears on his face before he releases you.
“I— Yeah. You should go.”
“You can come up if you want to, you know?”
He hesitates, rolls his lips together.
“I want to savor this,” he admits to you in a near whisper.
“Then I’ll go.”
“Yes. Good night.”
“Good night.”
You feel light and giddy as you walk through the door. It’s a nice and strange feeling, like you could just start floating any second.
You already can’t wait for the next day.
People are definitely weirded out by your relationship with Jungkook. Or, rather, by Jungkook’s relationship with you. You’re pretty sure most of the people who give you weird looks when you sit next to him and he wraps his arm around you, or when you walk hand in hand, wouldn’t pay attention to you if you went to class naked. But they all know who Jungkook is, and you guess it is weird to see you in conjunction with him.
They could ignore it and consider you mere part of the scenery when he ate with you, you suppose, but it is harder to do now. You’re not too fond of being the center of attention, to be honest. You don’t know how Jungkook does it.
What takes you by surprise the most is people being nice to you. That confuses you to no end, because you know for a fact they don’t care about you, not really, and you cannot fathom what they think they’re going to get out of this. You’re pretty sure there are a girl or two who are doing that to get closer to Jungkook, and some, you think, have decided to be nice to you because they think that if Jungkook likes you, you can’t be a total lost cause.
You don’t like that feeling. Not at all. You don’t like it when you’re going to class, you don’t like it during lunch, and you definitely, definitely do not like it when people rush towards you the second you get to a party.
Yeah, you’re giving Taehyung what he wanted, in the end. He said that both you and Jungkook owed him, because without him you wouldn’t be together, and you eventually gave in.
You thought it would be fine, now that you have someone to spend time with, but you understand with horror that your status has changed now. You’re not invisible anymore. You’re Jungkook’s girlfriendTM. Because of that, you spend much longer in the entrance making small talk than you would have wished to, and you’re stopped a couple of times while you’re desperately looking for your boyfriend to save you from this hell on earth.
You’re not surprised at all to find him playing beer pong with Taehyung and other guys from the team. He hasn’t gotten time to get drunk yet, so he’s quite impressive, but then again, they all are. That’s why they usually end up wasted.
The second he sees you, though, he abandons the game completely, and the smile on his face threatens to make your heart explode in your chest. Some of the guys turn around to look at you, give you a wave or a smile. Taehyung shouts a greeting.
“Hey,” Jungkook says, leaning in to press a quick kiss on your lips. He doesn’t like PDA all that much, but he never misses a chance to kiss you, and the thought makes you all giddy.
“Hey. Are you, um, having fun there?”
He shrugs.
“It’s not that bad. Wanna play?” He waits for your expression to turn to one of horror as you try to refuse politely before laughing. “Just kidding. Don’t worry about it.”
You let out a relieved breath. You know you and Jungkook are very different people, and you’re doing your best to take an interest in the things he likes. You’ve been learning the rules of basketball, for example, and though you still don’t believe you get the point, you like the way his eyes shine when you say something right about a game.
But you don’t take part in any of that stuff. Okay, you stop at that field that’s on your way home from the library every now and again, but that doesn’t count. It’s just you and him then, and you feel good and relaxed. You’ve even scored a couple of times now.
“Come on, I want to grab a drink,” Jungkook said, taking your hand in his, and you follow without protesting.
It’s probably your second mistake of the night: not realizing that getting a drink with and without Jungkook are two very different ordeals. On your way there, you get roped into several conversations. Those are fine. You can’t say you enjoy them, but they’re fine, and it’s not like those people are actually talking to you anyway.
What you genuinely dislike is that, when you’re by the table with the drinks, a girl starts openly flirting with your boyfriend. It’s not subtle, either, with the way she keeps touching his arm and how she laughs at his every word.
For a while, you just stare in disbelief. You know Jungkook is oblivious to that sort of things — probably one more reason why he likes how blunt you are — but you can’t believe her. You wouldn’t necessarily blame the girl for trying, either, if she didn’t know about you. Jungkook’s quite the catch after all, and you understand liking him better than anyone else.
No, it’s the fact that she’s doing it right in front of you, while Jungkook is holding your hand. It feels so— dismissive. So insulting. She’s not exactly saying to your face that she doesn’t take you seriously, but she might as well.
You watch incredulously when she puts her hand on his arm one more time. You don’t know how you’re supposed to handle that, so you just tug on Jungkook’s hand a little awkwardly. You’re pleased by how quickly his attention snaps to you, even while the girl is in the middle of her sentence. It’s a petty sentiment, for sure, but you can’t help it.
“Everything okay?” he asks. “Is it too loud in here?”
“Kind of, but—”
“Let’s find you a quieter place.”
He forgets about the drink he wanted to get, forgets about the girl, who he abandons there unceremoniously, gently pulling you through the room. Next thing you know, he’s carefully closing the doors of the closet he’s found for the two of you behind you.
“There,” he says, sounding satisfied with himself. “Better?”
You chuckle at that and, guessing for him in the half-light, you pull him towards you for a kiss. You press your body against his, pushing him against the back of the closet, and a groan forms in his throat. His hands tighten around you, sending shivers through your entire being, and you only lean into him more. You run your fingers over his chest, just to feel him tremble under your touch and he does, hissing with pleasure at the contact.
“Fuck,” he mumbles into your mouth. “Was that— was that what you had in mind?”
You shake your head, and he’s close enough to feel it.
“That girl was flirting with you,” you tell him.
“Oh. Are you sure?”
You are.
“So… are you jealous? Because that’s kind of hot.”
You laugh softly. Truth is, you really, really don’t want to be the jealous girlfriend, but Jungkook actually sounds happy about the idea.
“You really didn’t notice?”
There’s a moment of silence.
“I didn’t. Does that— Did it bother you, that she was doing that?”
“Kind of,” you shrug. “What about you? You’re— cool with that?”
“If it bothers you I don’t like it,” he replies simply, one of his hand leaving your waist to grab yours and squeeze it gently. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice.”
That makes you chuckle.
“How didn’t you? She would have made it barely more obvious if she had started undressing herself.”
Jungkook has an awkward laugh, and you can feel his breath on your face. He starts fidgeting, but then you press a kiss right at the corner of his lips, and he calms down, if just a little.
“It’s— You have to promise you won’t make fun of me.”
“I won’t.”
He hesitates a second longer, as though he’s trying to judge your sincerity by looking at you — except, of course, he can barely see a thing in here. You kiss him again, following his jaw, and he finally gives in when you start making your way down his neck.
“When I’m with you, it’s like my vision narrows on you,” he says, voice low. “I know everything and everyone else is still there, but I just think about you. Sorry, it’s really stupid.”
“It’s not,” you say, shaking your head, wondering if he can feel your heart beating stupidly fast in your chest, all because his words make you feel like nothing else ever has before. “But I’m— I’m kind of boring. That can’t be fun.”
“You’re not boring,” he protests. “You listen to people, even when you don’t look like it. You always look like you have a thousand things on your mind but you always make time for your friends, and when you’re studying here, you play with your hair.” He twirls a lock of your hair around one of his fingers before releasing it, as if to demonstrate. “You’re a very, very interesting person to look at.”
The only thing you can do is stay there, frozen in his arms, after he’s said that. You may be blunt, but Jungkook is honest. Devastatingly so. His vulnerability always shatters the walls that you’ve built around yourself, and you still don’t know how to react when that happens.
So you push yourself on your tiptoes to kiss him again, except this time it’s slow and gentle and you’re trying to put everything he means to you into it. The tip of your fingers are on his cheeks, your mouth barely moving against his, soft noises filling the closet. Jungkook remains still, letting you in complete control, like he’s afraid he could break you if he moved.
“Thank you,” you whisper when you pull away from him.
“For what?” he asks, breathless.
“For being here with me tonight, and for coming with me at that first party.”
“Of course. Any time.”
He lets himself fall to the floor, taking you down with him and keeping you into his lap once he’s done that. You rest your head against his chest. You hear the noises of the party still going on outside, but Jungkook is your island of peace in the middle of the chaos.
“I think I’m going to stop basketball,” Jungkook blurts out without a warning, and you look at him, surprised.
“Really?” you ask.
“Yeah. Really. I just— I don’t want to be doing that anymore.”
You think about it for a few seconds, then nod.
“You probably should stop, in that case.”
“People are… not going to be happy about it.”
“I’m sure Taehyung won’t be mad at you. Well, not for too long.”
He laughs softly, but his hold on you doesn’t relax, and you know that this was hard for him to even consider. You know it’s a terrifying decision to take, too.
“Thank you,” he says. “For being here with me tonight, too.”
“Any time.”
The truth is, you wouldn’t give that moment away for anything in the world, and something tells you Jungkook wouldn’t either. It’s not ideal, it’s not perfect, but you don’t believe there is such a thing, and you’re happy to satisfy yourself with the imperfect.
But any moment you can spend in Jungkook is as close to perfect as can be.
“I love you,” he whispers in your ear, and you think that he might feels the same way, which almost makes you burst with happiness.
“And I love you,” you whisper back.
Not perfect, perhaps. But close enough.
#jungkook x reader#bts#bts imagine#bts x reader#jeon jungkook x reader#jungkook imagine#jungkook fluff#bts fic#jungkook fanfic#jungkook#jeon jungkook#candywrites
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