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taxidermycanine · 4 months

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5 WAYS TO HELP WITH SPECIES DYSPHORIA AS A THERIAN (with and without gear)

- please note that most of these are focused mainly on being a wolf therian, but i'll try my best to make it more inclusive to others.

1 •

my personal favorite, wolf quest! this one does cost money, so this isn't for those who don't have the money/don't already have the game. it really helps me feel more connected to who i am. you find a mate, raise pups, hunt prey, defend your den and pack from predators, and there's even a multiplayer option for you to play with your friends. :o)

(and yes, you can customize what your wolf looks like. all NPC wolves in the game have different personalities for immersion, including you, your pups, and your mate)

please note that the game is still in development! they plan to add a saga where you can live constantly with your pack and continue with new generations each year (and no, you don't HAVE to pass away). you can toggle whether your mate dies or not, if you play on easy you can avoid your pups getting sick by reloading saves if you're sensitive to that, there are constantly new updates being brought out that make the game feel more realistic each time and the development team are incredibly sweet. if you have the money i highly recommend this game, wolf therian or otherwise.

2 •

documentaries. a wonderful way to not only feel more connected to your theriotype(s), but to also learn more information about them! my favorite thing to do when i'm stressed is to wrap myself in warm blankets, turn off my lights and put on a documentary to calm myself down. bonus points if you DO have gear to wear during this, if not that's okay too.

i also like to have my plush friends join me so i can act like they're my pack :o) it's a nice way to feel less lonely as i watch. this also works if you're a domestic cat therian, have your plushies be your clouder! no matter what animal you are though, never feel less valid for wanting your stuffies with you during this. it doesn't matter if your theriotype isn't a social animal in the wild.

if you're an aquatic therian of some kind, i think a good idea would be taking your phone in the bathroom with you and setting it up outside of the tub to watch whilst you're in the water! (or shower if you don't have one, you can also use a kiddie pool outside in the warmer months). PLEASE remember to be safe during this though, if you worry about getting your phone wet then instead find some blue blankets and pretend it's the ocean!

3 •

going outside to where your theriotype resides in naturally. of course this won't be for everyone, since a lot of the time trips can end up being quite costly. something that i like to do is go to my local forest whenever i have the time to do so! i find it refreshing to sit by the stream and play in the water with my mate.

if you're a domestic dog therian, ask to go on a walk around the neighborhood with your friend! (or hell, go by yourself if it's safe enough, you're a free dog, you can do what you want). even as a wild animal i still enjoy this, so don't feel ashamed if you're ALSO a wild animal who wants to do things that domestic dogs do. it doesn't make you any less undomesticated.

if you're an animal that's used to deserts, i recommend going to where you can access sand (e.g. a sandbox at a playground, asking for a small sand tray to play in as a gift, a day out to the beach if you live near one). i also find that dried dirt that's very damaged can feel sort of similar to sand!

if you can't go outside for whatever reason, then there's always ways to make your bedroom feel similar to where you would be more comfortable. if your theriotype lives in dens like caves and underneath trees, make a blanket fort and pretend it's your home! if your theriotype rests in a burrow, make a tunnel with some blankets from the top of your bed all the way down to under it (if that doesn't work, pretend that anything below your bed is underground, and anything above your bed is the surface).

4 •

dressing in clothes that are the same color as your theriotype. i have this fluffy hat with ears that feels very affirming for my species dysphoria, paired with my favorite dark sweaters, warm pants and my tail. if you don't have any gear, don't worry! you don't need to have any to complete an outfit. sometimes clothing textures can also be affirming. for example if you have smooth skin like a whale, a bathing suit can feel similar to blubber. (if you have gender dysphoria, i recommend either full body bathing suits, or wearing pants on top of it and a jacket to help yourself feel more affirmed). i wear fluffy clothes because my fur is fluffy :o) it helps me, personally, but this might not be the same for everyone!

5 •

studying the behavior of your theriotype and trying your best to imitate it to the best of your abilities with the body you have. this can be as simple as copying how they act around each other as a family (for example wolves who are mates will rest their chins on each other to display affection), and as difficult as trying to vocalize what sounds your theriotype makes.

if you wanted to try the latter, i recommend looking at vocal exercises online before as a lot of creature sounds can and will strain your voice, i promise you that warming up your chords will not only help you sound clearer, it'll ensure that it won't take as much effort to do!

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azulsluver · 10 months

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I'm assuming this was already talked about/mentioned in your posts but I do kinda wonder how awful it would be for reader during holidays and general breaks from school (bully au). Like- They would either be COMPLETELY isolated since they can't technically go home since this ain't even their world and everyone hates them, or they would have to deal with their bullies every. Single. Day. Which is hilarious to me because I can see at least some of them staying even though they were supposed to go home and rest and enjoy their break from school, so prefect just asks "Why are you even here tormenting me bro?! Don't you have a family" and the bullies have to come up with excuses to save their egos

I sometimes do go in depth detail on where reader lives within twisted wonderland because I tend to stray near canon lore. Options are that they completely have ramshackle as their home or Crowley in the kindness of his heart buys a place for them within the island (it’s close to the school just in the woods hidden deep)

tw: yandere, bully!characters, mentions of bruises/blood and vomit, force feeding/throwing up, unhealthy relationships, stalking.

(College setting)- there are other students that are staying during breaks but let’s be real no one’s gonna help you

The only major holiday that has the NRC students leaving was winter break, spring and summer. Here’s my take on each. Not proof read btw!

Winter: Azul, Jade And Floyd

No surprise to canon, but their excuse to stay during break is nightmare fuel for you. You can’t run away because that only peruse Floyd and Jade to chase you down. Azul pretends to not see the abuse you’re going through. In fact he feels less occupied when the twins set their eyes on you. There is no best scenario because you should be used to Floyd coming into your room at random times.

Quote on quote, “best break ever” is exaggerated greatly whenever Floyd gets his hands on you. You’re wheezing like a dying fish as he asks you if you’re ok. Knowing it’ll piss you off but you’re on the verge of death so it pisses you off even more.

I think staying with Floyd is the better option but it REALLY depends, Jade gets a little quirky at night. Waking up on a table and strapped as he gives you shot after shit of who knows what into your system. Pretty unhinged as it’s in the dead of night and it’s freezing cold. More stoic when performing these things. Jade never gets the chance or time to do this to you so that’s off his bucket list.

Azul stuffs himself in his room all day. Only going out for a jog as he looks the other way as you’re being dragged off while clawing on the floor. It’s too early for that okz. But he’s gonna tire from your screaming and crying so he grudgingly let’s you stay in his room whenever the twins are out to hunt you down.

That’s only if you are being too much of a nuisance to him^^

Because you’re involved in the subject of his problems he gets more snappy with the twins when they try to barge into his room. Lecturing them and often times loudly making deals to lend you to them because you’re so much work. He doesn’t tho. Like a father who never wanted a dog, he tends to your needs with a sneer and turn. Does this mean you’re staying in his room the whole break? Yes. Can you try to leave? Yes. Will Azul call you ungrateful and manipulate you that the twins will bother you again. Yes.

Slumber party!!! Floyd’s idea btw. Victim of every losers downfall, getting slapped and punched whenever Floyd loses a board game. Hands nearly breaking because Jade is too cool to show anger so he takes it out on you as a joke. Azul winning said games.

Floyd WILL suffocate you in your sleep on purpose. Slumber parties with him are never a good idea because any chance to scare you he takes it. Going to the bathroom? What a coincidence he’s awake and on the side of the wall behind the door you’re leaving. Waking up? He’s staring deep into your soul just so you can cry and roll away.

Wanna talk about you staying in Azul’s room because he lets you sleep on his bed (wow omg luxury bed knocked out ZZZzzz) because he’s doing work on his desk. Often times you wake up to him sleeping on his desk. Give it a week in the break and he’s all over you. His arms in a crushing grip as he holds you in sleep, you feel like it’s forbidden to move because you’re scared he might squeeze harder than Floyd.

This only happened ONCE. Sleeps on the floor and makes dumb excuses like “humans have such odd body temperature it was like an instinct to cuddle something cold.” Or “I hold things a lot when I’m in my merform this is nothing personal.”

Spring: Ace, Epel, Ruggie

Ace and Epel straight up tell you they’re here to have a great spring break together. By that they mean messing with you. These assholes start off slow, egging your dorm, blasting loud music. Anything to get your fatigue up, that way you can start messing things up on accident when it was all purposely set.

The duo are relentlessly pursuing their harassment from day to night, until in a couple of days within the break do things stop. It’s terrifying, walking on eggshells at how they ignore you during walks, opening the door for you, heck even Epel left a basket of apples on your front door. It’s leaving you paranoid and they know it, with their innocent going smiles and tilted heads. You wish you had some form of power to get those two without getting 2v1.

Alright this is where Ruggie comes in the picture. He’s there not by choice, instead paid by Leona to watch over you since Ace has a big mouth about his plans with you.

Ruggie randomly shows up in your dorm. He’s not doing much except making sure you’re eating and not brutally beaten near death. But you can find him grudgingly cleaning the place out of boredom, catching him dusting off shelves after your success in escaping the two. He threatens you out of embarrassment to not think much of it…he just thinks you’re really dirty to leave in such an unkept place.

He does at time chase Ace and Epel off, they don’t seem to bother you much when you’re with him. So you took this to advantage to stick to him like candy. You’ve only had this type of protection with Jack, on the other hand was much more comfortable to hang around with besides the deadpan stares.

Your safe haven can only be kept for so long, once money is involved. Ruggie is counting the wad of cash by the side as the two nudge your head with their foot. Ace blames you for making the last three days of their break boring, you should’ve known better than to run off when things were getting good. Didn’t you know good pal Epel prepared some fine treats for you? (Don’t eat them).

It’s no use crying for help, Ruggie can only shrug his shoulders and tell the two not to kill you before walking away. Your last bits of hope destroyed as Epel smacks the back of your head a couple of times, saying you must be brain dead so they’ll help you out. You’re really starting to miss Jack, as apple slices are being shoved into your mouth, Ace repeatedly thrusting three fingers down your throat to making you vomit. You’re delirious when hung upside down from a tree, the two taking turns hitting you blindfolded with a bat, luckily it’s wooden but the pain still blows.

You’ll be ruffled up with a pat in the head as Ace blows smoke in your face, telling you that you did good. Epel is more enthusiastic after all that, pinching at your blood socked nose to stop the bleeding. The two are joyous and leave by throwing a couple of dollars your way. Just looking at it makes you sick as you sob on the floor, seeing Ruggies shoes.

Sobbing on the way home with Ruggie by your side, staring off into the distance whilst ignoring your loud wails. You know it annoys him but he doesn’t say anything until the door closes, he’s lazily patching up your open wounds and dabbing them with a clean cloth. Giving you medicine—if you refuse to take them he will force you. You can only conceal your sniffles by rubbing your eyes and blowing your nose with tissue. Ruggie has his back turned as he tells you to do better. If you keep it up you’ll die sooner or later at this rate. So take it as a lesson to build character.

You can’t help but agree, maybe it was the medicine taking place. But you gruffly settle down with him, he’s sitting besides you with a empty look on his face. You cant tell why he’s staring at your beaten body like some interesting figure but you preferred it like this. Dropping your head on his shoulder as you rest, because you know he’s gonna let it happen all over again.

Might as well take his advice.

Summer: Sebek, Silver, Malleus, Lilia

This was all Malleus. His idea 100%. He’d rather not spend his break staying in his enclosure with running maids and fearing fae. Instead he’d prefer is the one fearing was coming from you. And since Malleus had decided to spend his break by bothering you Silver and Sebek have no choice but to come along.

Sebek is absolutely furious once he finds out the reason Malleus wanted to stay in campus was to see you. You! Out of everyone!!! There are times where Malleus must leave campus to attend his princely duties, leaving Sebek having the opportunity to get his hands on you. By that he’s choking the shit outta you until you’re blue. He doesn’t wanna be here with YOU, now he’s stuck babysitting you. Thankfully Silver is there to prevent Sebek from successfully killing you.

You cling onto Silver like he’s your last hope. He can only do so much when Sebek is frothing at the mouth because he has the “audacity” to step in the punishments that are so rightfully placed on you. Like come on man what would Malleus think?

Malleus is into it. Tells Silver that if you ever step out of line it’s only right for him to put you back in place, physically. Silver can only stand back with a frown, not too much to displease Malleus.

Lilia comes in later, he’s wondering where his sons went. He comes at a weird timing, you’re being examined because Malleus is interested in all the marks you’ve received. It’s amazing how you’re still alive, with a kind of your own as well. Lilia won’t do much rather than spectate Malleus’s adventures with you, rather than indulging in his desires he stands by the side to make sure Malleus nor Sebek won’t go too far. They may not listen to Silver but they certainly will to him.

If you want to be left COMPLETELY alone it can only be at night with curtains over your windows. Forbid the many times you’ve shit your pants in the middle of the night to see Malleus looming over your window. Be it sleeping or walking to the kitchen he’s dead staring. For some good reason he doesn’t throw much of a fit when you use the curtains to hide from his prying eyes.

You might think Lilia is off the hook of finally leaving you alone then you’re dead wrong! Standing by the side, yea more like giving more advice to Malleus and Sebek on how to properly punish you. Back in his days punishments were something else, since you’re human they gotta go on the low. So if Lilia felt like it he can just tell them some unique and grotesque ways to get you drooling and screaming like some pig.

Silver will be there after they’re done, being told to get you cleaned up and ready for the next trick. You really don’t wanna know, but you’re silent during your healing process, he feels bad yet doesn’t voice his opinions on it.

Oh and they almost carved a sick tattoo of dragon wings on your back but Sebek suggested that he use his sword to do it and you passed out from the thought. Not your first rodeo but you know damn well none of them will be putting you on meds during the whole thing.

#yandere twst #yandere twisted wonderland x reader #yandere twisted wonderland #azul ashengrotto x reader #jade leech x reader #floyd leech x reader #ace trapolla x reader #epel felmeir x reader #ruggie bucchi x reader #malleus draconia x reader #lilia vanrouge x reader #twst silver x reader #sebek zigvolt x reader #bully!au

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x-liv25-jamieswife · 24 days

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sad avery head canons

@ariscats requested this in a comment under my sad grayson hcs, and i'm more than happy to do it for my fav girl avery. trigger warning for self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and sexual assault. pls don't read if this might trigger you, and if you ever need help, there are helplines you can contact for free. family and friends are obviously also an option (if you'd rather talk to a stranger, you can always dm me (or whoever you feel comfortable with) <3). sorry if some of this doesn't make sense. i wrote this at 1 am. hope you enjoy<3.

avery used to pull out a guitar (cause i hc she can play the guitar) and sing songs for her mom when she was on her death bed

she now visits her mom's grave and does the same thing. she sings her mom's favorite songs on the verge of tears (if she isn't already crying).

avery used to wear an elastic band around her wrist and would snap it repeatedly until her wrist became sore and red (it didn't always make her stop though) when she was feeling overwhelmed or did smth she deemed wrong.

whenever avery would drive across bridges or anything really high up, she would think about jumping off of it.

she used to get her mom or libby to help her bake cookies that she would bring to school to try to get people to become her friend (it never worked)

she used to eat lunch in the back of the courtyard in a secluded place most of the time bc no one wanted to eat with her (until she met max obviously)

i'm currently rereading tig and i can't help but notice how uncomfortable she becomes when someone touches her so i hc drake or some other random creep sexually assaulted her once (or multiple times) and that's the reason why she seems so uncomfortable with physical touch.

she used to cry in her mom's arms wondering why she wasn't good enough for people to want to be her friend

when her and libby were struggling to get by and couldn't afford food, she would save the food for libby and not eat (she would tell her she ate at the diner she worked at but didn't)

when she realized, at the age of six, that her father was a piece of shit who didn't actually want her, she started trying to find faults in her to explain why this might be (she thought that if she could 'fix' herself, her father might want her)

she sometimes purposely gives herself papercuts when she feels really numb just to make herself feel something

when she would live in her car, she would sometimes continuously bash her head on the steering wheel wishing her life could be different.

when she was younger, to get people to like her, she would give them everything she had. she would do their homework for them, would cover for them when they wanted to cause trouble in the school, etc, but, in the end, it was always temporary

whenever she comes across someone who looks like sheffield grayson she freezes up in fear/shock. a little voice in her head tells her she's in danger and they'll hurt her.

after all of the almost-death experiences she's been through, she developed a panic disorder (this is already sort of confirmed) that she has to treat with pills.

she sometimes takes the haters' comments to heart (the comments about her weight, etc). she would start telling herself that skipping one meal wouldn't hurt. jameson noticed really early on though and stopped her before it became too severe.

she's convinced people would be better off without her and that she only causes pain and destruction everywhere she goes (bc of what happened with toby)

she actually hates getting drunk because it reminds her too much of her father. jameson started to notice that she would get really uncomfortable whenever he got drunk so he started to drink less. when he did drink though, he made sure it wasn't enough to get drunk.

because of everyone comparing her to emily, she's convinced herself that she's just jamie's second option and she'll never measure up (personality wise, looks wise, everything). jamie and her talked about it a lot and she's now less insecure.

she gets terrified when she hears noises at night bc she's convinces someone's there to hurt her

she forgives people so easily bc she desperately wants people to actually like her.

in the books she says she doesn't allow herself to want to want things bc it could potentially distract her/hurt her. i also think she doesn't allow herself to want things bc she doesn't think she deserves to want anything.

when she's in a stressful situation or she's having a panic attack, she'll start scratching her arms really roughly until they start to bleed to get herself to focus on anything other than the stress/panic.

the scratches on her arms became too obvious so she started scratching her sides instead.

she can't watch any tv shows with violence/war bc the loud sounds remind her too much of the shooting.

one of the reasons why she realized her father was a piece of shit was bc, once, he got way too drunk and slapped her. that was sort of like the catalyst for her.

bc she grew up so isolated, she's afraid of emotional and physical intimacy. she's afraid she'll start liking feeling loved/close to someone too much since she believes it'll never last (jamie showed her she was wrong)

i'm an averyjameson stan so don't take this the wrong way but avery was affected by jamie thinking of her as only a game way more than she lets on. even after they got together, she was paranoid that he had ulterior motives.

she blames herself whenever something goes wrong in the foundation or hawthorne house even when she had nothing to do with the problem.

she's extremely paranoid when it comes to locking her bedroom door and stuff like that bc of how often her privacy is invaded.

i said this in another post but, especially before she inherited the money, she would sometimes smoke weed to lessen the stress she felt for a little while.

she hates going to sleep bc her sleep is always invaded by horrendous nightmares. it became so bad she ended up in the hospital (jamie was absolutely terrified and made her promise to talk to him more).

she has this one stuffed animal that her mom gave her not long before she passed that she cries into whenever she feels like her life is going to shit.

before she inherited the money, she was actually near her breaking point. she was seriously considering if staying alive was actually worth it.

before she inherited the money, she used to count on her fingers how many people would miss her when she died to convince herself to stay alive (the number was never more than three). the fact that the number was so low made her feel even shittier and made her spiral.

her grief for her mom is so intense sometimes she can't get out of bed. she doesn't eat, sleep, drink water, etc. alisa had to contact a therapist/psychiatrist to help avery get out of bed.

to end on a brighter note, here's a happy avery head canon:

she used to dance all the time when she was younger. she would pull out her mom's phone, start playing some music, and jump around waving her tiny little arms everywhere whilst singing along. she would pretend she was a popstar. her mom would film her and send the videos to libby. the brothers have seen all of them bc libby showed them.

not proof read so i apologize for any spelling mistakes<3. again, pls contact someone/helpline if you ever need help. speaking from experience, things tend to get better. sending everyone lots of love (and my girl avery).

#the inheritance games #jameson hawthorne #grayson hawthorne #avery grambs #xander hawthorne #nash hawthorne #libby grambs

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2knightt · 1 year

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OMG DARLING! YOU NEED TO DO: Johnny W A motherly s/o 😱😱

↳heaven is calling my name₊˚✧

➬ johhny cade x motherly!reader

a/n:i love it when i get a req from you😭 the nicknames got me giggling n shit. TWO FICS IN A ROW!! i am on a ROLL.

his type. definitely his type.

confides in you?? for everything??

“y/n, i was so stressed out today. why are there so many chocolate bar options? i was freaking out in the middle of walmart for 15 minutes.”

“aw, i’m sorry johnnycakes. but, did you at least get your chocolate bar?”

“…no. some little kid started to rush me so i walked off.”

please just listen to him. no matter whatever he says, just listen.

it makes him happy to know he doesn’t have to just have his head down and nod all the time.

“and then—wait, i’m talkin’ to much, ain’t i? sorry, doll. i didn’t mean to ramble.”

“johnny, don’t apologize when you did nothing wrong. what happened next? did dallas do anything?”

“…”

he just stares at you lovingly and sighs like he’s dreaming.

“yeah—he punched the guy. you look real pretty right now.”

“he what?”

reassure him for everything. he needs it, so badly.

“johnny, it’s okay. what you are feeling is okay. everything is going to be just fine.”

“you think?”

“i know so, love.

he’ll try his best to reassure you too! he knows that even though you’re a nice person, it gets tough for you too.

“baby, it’s okay. i’m here for you, i always will be. you’re smart, smarter than i’ll ever be. stop worrying about something so small, please?”

you comforting him makes him feel like he saved a whole town in his past life!

you basically force him to lay down and tell you all his problems like a cliché therapist.

“and i just don’t know if i’ll ever reach his level. he’s tuff, strong, and don’t take nothin’ from nobody. while i’m seen as a wuss, the pet of the gang.”

you nod your head, tilting your glasses down as you write stuff on a clipboard.

JOKES LOL🙏^^

you just rub his arm while he talks. you never interrupt johnny while he vents to you.

n’ he likes it that way. when people interrupt him while he’s talking, it makes him not wanna talk again.

offer him food. legitimately, offer him food whenever.

he’s so grateful for it😭.

“would you like some tea? coffee? pepsi?”

“pepsi sounds nice.”

“i’ll get it for you, johnny, don’t you move an inch.”

when you leave he’s giggling and kicking his feet!!

he loves being treated like a princess. he told me so!

teach him how to bake it’d be a fun thing for him.

not for you though, since it’s johnnys first time baking he’s gonna be really nervous.

he misses the bowl when cracking an egg, puts too much milk and sugar, stirring to slow, all that.

but shockingly, the finished product is really good.

you definitely encourage him to grow more and more, to get out of his shell.

you take him everywhere you go to show him other things he could be doing, and he doesn’t mind.

you motivate him to try new hobbies, ones he never thought he’d try.

like you even got him into knitting! he thinks it’s a calming activity.

until steve and sodapop walked in on him knitting. wasn’t so fun no more.

“are you knitting, dude?”

“hell yeah man, knit me a sweater.”

“…hop off my back guys.”

being his cheerleader>>

he gets so happy when you cheer him on it’s so sweet.

“yeah, n then we won the rumble.”

“i’m so proud of you, johhny! that’s so cool!”

normalize writing notes for johnny cade to make him feel loved.

when you leave them for him, whenever, he gets so giddy with joy.

“whatcha readin’ there, johnnycakes?”

“a note y/n gave me.”

“oooo you inlove, huh?”

“..yea.”

may 20th, 2023. 11:19AM.

#2knightt #the outsiders #the outsiders x reader #johnny x reader #johnny cade x reader #motherly!reader #my love for johnny cade is unmatched #ALSO normalize getting nervous to tag people for your taglist

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nixhtlite · 1 year

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Dominic Harrison (YUNGBLUD) x gn songwriter! reader

just one more line

I lay in bed I take my meds

I get up I strut I do what i’m told

For but an hour let me free

Let me see

What you hid from me

You wrote down in your notebook one of the verses to your new single “confinement” trying to find a nice strum with your guitar.

“B sharp…maybe C? Oh that sounds nice”

You strummed more and more until it eventually sounded acceptable, besides you were bound to find a better chord to fit that verse in due time. It wasn’t until you had put the guitar up on its stand nearby and footsteps filled the room. You of course can’t help but peek at who it is despite already knowing.

His soft steps against the fabric of the carpet almost made him unnoticed but you know when he makes himself known

“Hey love, how’s your single coming along?”

“It’s…okay? Can’t decide what i should focus on first, chords or lyrics.” You say, giving your notebook some emphasis as you put it in the air to show your boyfriend. Previous pages yielded your attempts to get the message you wanted across but they never seemed to strike exactly what you were looking for.

“Mind if I give it a look?” He said playfully shrugging a bit as he began to kneel down with you beside the couch. You opened your notebook once again to the page with the most potential, but of course that didn’t stop him from wanting to see your other attempts at lyrics as he breezed through past pages. “You already got the intro, two verses and a bit of the chorus already love, this’ll be amazing babe! I know it.”

His words never failed to bring you to a good mood, and his accent had a sort of soothing aspect whenever he spoke so kindly of your work. Only issue is that your time spent together will be short lived for tour for you starts in about a week, you’ll be in the states for a few shows as you move to Europe and finally end off with Southern America. So finalizing this song, along with making time to finish all the shows was going to be difficult.

You didn’t hesitate to show him what chords you accumulated over time, although making minor adjustments as you heard them out in the air another time. “That was so sick! I can’t wait to hear the finished piece.” You yet again merely placed the guitar next to the couch as it uses it as a stand before you take Dominic’s hand and pull him in for a kiss.

“Why’re you so sweet hm?”

“It’s you”

“Well stop, i’m swooning harder then ever” You playfully smiled as you both reciprocated little kisses to one another before deciding to grab your notebook and get some food in the meantime. The kitchen area was pretty nice, of course you knew the place would be temporary since you’re gonna be living on a tour bus soon but no matter. Although you didn’t notice just how dark it was considering how early it is, of course, daylight savings doing what it does best. 5 in the afternoon was practically pitch black, yet it’s time to start on dinner.

“What’re we feeling love? Want box? Or do you wanna see what we can do with whatever shit we got here?” You we’re already on the case, placing your notebook on the nearby island as you opened up the fridge…although not many ideas came to mind with the presented options.

You slowly closed the fridge as you stared at him. He stared back. “The verdict babe?” he said as you let the words float around for a bit “How do we feel about getting some shameless Chinese for tonight?” Of course it was an offer no one who liked the food could deny and Dominic was definitely one to enjoy some Chinese food whenever he can. “Want the usual stuff you get?” he said as you gave him your phone to order. “Yes please.” you spoke as you kissed his nose, he left the room while ordering to tend to bodily needs elsewhere.

You sat down at the island your notebook was laid on as you flipped to your current page, you just wanted to finish this song to focus on the chords. But you also want to get the correct sounds as you go along the way. So many choices, decisions, ideas that need to be addressed. You flipped to the next page as you began to write some faint ideas you had to continue without fully committing it.

Those familiar footsteps came onto the hardwood floor as he saw you writing many small verses in every open spot on the page you saw available, he swore you were going so fast that pen would run out of ink despite it being new. “Should be here soon alright?” Pages flipped back and fourth, comparisons being made to see which verse fit better. If it didn’t work another verse would be transcribed on another nearby spot of empty paper.

It was only then when his arm wrapped itself around your shoulder that you felt yourself become once again aware of your surroundings and the person with you

“Hey, don’t worry about giving every second to this song okay? I know it means a lot to you but don’t overdo it okay?” You felt slight guilt well up as well as a bit of embarrassment, you just had Yungblud. the Dominic Harrison snap you out of a little episode just because you wanted to finish up some lyrics. You closed your notebook as his presence fully engulfed you, you sat up as you held him with your arms and simply rocked side to side slightly.

“Sorry, with tour and finding time to finish this…it’s kinda been tough.” you spoke with slight defeat in your voice as you recall the events of what just transpired “It’s okay, I get that way with some of me songs too. You should see when Adam has to practically trick me out of the place just to get away from writing just one more line.” You think back to when you had witnessed the two boys having some kind of conversation about time management but never did you think you would be the one who needed that talk now.

“You two are a riot but…thanks, I needed that”

“Anything for my love”

“Thanks babe, really.”

#yungblud x reader #yungblud fic #yungblud x gn reader #x gn reader #yungblud #songwriter reader #Dominic Harrison #Dominic Harrison x reader #Dominic harrison x gn reader #dom harrison

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bokutosmochi · 2 years

Text

random miya atsumu headcannons

what's it? general

allergen warning/s? mentions of drinking

sugar level? 0.8k

regulars? @hanayanetwork

♧ one of those people that has wake up alarms set every five minutes (5:30am, 5:35am, 5:40am) because he doesn't get up at the first alarm. you realize why osamu is so annoyed with him.

♧ two words: retail therapy. whenever this man gets stressed, he will spend his entire savings account jk, man is rich-rich on random things that catches his eye, ranging from clothes he'll probably never use, useless trinklets, and albums from bands he doesn't listen to.

♧ goes to the same restaurant he goes to every single day and stares at the menu for ten minutes as if he's planning to try something new before deciding on getting the meal he always gets. the only time this changes is when he goes to onigiri miya because he knows how good his brother's cooking is and he doesn't want to miss out on anything. in that case, he tries everything that's on the menu.

♧ cherishes whenever someone, usually a fan awes at his hair or fantasizes about running their hands through it because god and literally anyone in his life knows it is CRISPY. he has been dying and bleaching it since he was sixteen and his hair is NOT OKAY 💀💀 ignorance is bliss though so whenever someone tags him on twitter thirsting about how his hair would look better with their hands in it, he doesn't say a word.

♧ doesn't know how to whistle and (spit) launch watermelon seeds. atsumu is a man talented beyond belief, but alas, he cannot have everything. he always gets teased by his brother for the former, and his high school friends for the latter. one of his clearest memories were the volleyball summer training camps he, along with his team, had to attend during his high school days. upon learning he can't shoot watermelon seeds, all his friends started a watermelon seed war, leaving atsumu vulnerable and pouting in the corner since he could do nothing but pout, dodge, and try some more, only to fail. it's magic, he's convinced.

♧ i feel like his transition from his high school hairstyle to his current hairstyle was a complete mistake. after graduating, he wanted to try something new so he searched up some styles and tried to recreate it all by himself. one day, he couldn't do the Hairstyle Of The Day so with an annoyed yell, he just messed his hair all up. that was before he realized he was late for his tryout for the msby black jackals so without an option left, he just went out like that. the hair got a few compliments though so he decided that he'll just keep it.

♧ has debated getting a tongue piercing for a long, long time. probably still thinking about it as we speak. osamu says he doesn't care, that if it does turn out well, he doesn't care, or that if it turns out bad and he gets some acute infection, it'd be good for his ears so it'll be able to get some rest from atsumu's day-to-day blabbering. needless to say, asking his brother for a second opinion did not help.

♧ listens to doja cat religiously and can rap all of her songs effortlessly without making a single mistake. you can fight me on this one.

♧ the person in group chats to either never be active or send ten messages in five months. there is no in between with him.

♧ lowkey wishes him and osamu didn't tease each other so much. this man just wants to gossip with his brother sometimes, but it always ends with the both of them arguing and going at each other's throats because one teased the other and it escalated. when he wants to talk about something serious though, he knows he can count osamu to be serious about it too.

♧ for people who wears glasses/contacts, you know those people who are like can you see this?? or how many fingers am i holding up?? when you first get them? yeah, atsumu's that person.

♧ has a secret stan twitter account dedicated to himself. it is actually quite scary how he's able to blend in so well. none of his moots are suspicious of him at all. he makes fancam edits of himself and all.

♧ the friend who considers ten thirty pm early whenever you go out drinking, but is already almost passed out after fifteen minutes.

♧ .. likes sticking his tongue out in photos...

♧ pretended to like the taste of artificial grape back when he was younger just to spite his brother who we all know has the superior tastebuds. it bit him in the ass though because since he's so committed to it, his parents, friends, and other family members actually thought it was his favorite even though he hated it, so as a result, they always bought him grape flavored candies or saved the grape flavored sweet for him while osamu got the lemon soda (aka the superior flavor) flavored ones.

i get: reblog

you get: a tendo sticker

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marsipain · 2 years

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hi i literally know nothing about cyberpunk but im DROOLING OVER UR DESIGNS…i like do not have the patience or mind to ever do smth like that so its so cool to see other ppl make really cool designs for several characters like wow. i think zane and harumi r my favorite IM OBSESSED.

what kind of things did u use for inspo ?😳

OH MY GOD?? OH MY GOD?? THE CLAM IS IN MY INBOX?? DIES

anyways hihihi sorry it took so long to answer this eeee

Okay so I didn’t actually do that much formal research for it, because anytime i try to do that i feel my creativity and livelyness is sapped out of me (probably one of the reasons i hate school lmao) anyways

It’s actually a really funny (and long) story how this au came to be, so at first i saw the party clone of MK in lego monkie kid (this won’t make much sense if you haven’t watched that show sorry, but also at the same time if you haven’t YOU REALLY SHOUDL ITS REALLY GOOD AND THE ANIMATION MAKES ME DROOL NGL) and i was like yo wouldn’t it be cool if Lloyd had an evil party clone too? and then it expanded to an RGB evil clone au (cuz i’m a sucker for RGB siblings haha) and then i got the idea for nya to be a racer and to have a cyborg gf (cough cough pixal) and i was like okay scrap all the clone stuff were making this a completely independent au because this is MUCH cooler. and yeah, idk where the whole cyberpunk thing came from, i just thought it would really fit into the themes of fighting rings, clubs and races :DD

After that i was a bit busy for a while with school (just like i am now :c) but the brain rot for this AU was still going strong, so I made a pinterest board where i saved just a fuck load of cyberpunk shit that i thought looked cool, and whenever i had time i’d use those to draw the designs! here are some sketches with their references :D (zane and harumi included since they were ur favs! ps zane is my fav too, he just gives off such manager vibes but, hot, HAHA)

(ignore the lines, procreate just fucks up stuff if you change the canvas size and you try to access prior versions of the drawing through the timelapse option lmao)

anyways as you can see not even all of the references are cyberpunk stuff

AND YEAH I USED UR LLOYD AS INSPIRATION, I REALLY LIKE UR ARTSTYLE OKAY MOVING ON

some of the stuff was different and changed a lot through the process, like for example i decided against harumi having the furs because she would never wear them in this AU, she needs practicality in her fighting matches haha. I also changed a lot of lloyd design, cuz i was like “hehe, heelies” cuz zoom zoom, yk? and then u have zane, which was really straightforward coz i had almost exactly how i wanted him to be set in stone in my mind xd

Here’s a link to the pinterest board if ur interested! there’s a bunch of stuff in here i never got to use, so if anyone is interested idm it being used for stuff ^-^

ANYWAYS THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SENDING IN THIS ASK, I HOPE IT WASNT TOO LONG AA

#me when cool artist sends an ask #HFBFBFHFH #dies #marsipain speaks #marsipain asks #marsipain art #ninjago cyberpunk au

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thyandrawrites · 3 months

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Sorry for bothering you! but i am learning italian and the verbs conjugations are killing me slowly shahshshajhshs do you know any app or easier way to learn it?? 😭

Hi! it's no bother at all, don't worry. But I'm afraid I can't be of much help. Being a native speaker myself, I never had the need to use apps for learning, so I don't know any! But if anyone reading this has any suggestions, feel free to add up.

I tried a quick search through the app store (android) and there seem to be a couple: link. I haven't tried any of these so I can't vouch for them tho. Maybe try to download a few that look promising and see if anything works for you. Some of them seem to focus on exercises, others on vocab or automatic conjugations.

As for things I've actually used myself, there's a website called coniugazione.it that I sometimes use whenever I want to double check something. You can input any verb and it will conjugate it for you and highlight the different endings. If you don't like this website, there's a lot of other sites that do the same thing. Just by looking up "coniugazione verbi italiani" I got half a dozen. Iirc even wordreference (the online dictionary) has the option "italian conjugation".

Idk if any of this suits your needs. In my experience apps can only go so far, so it's always a good practice to have a solid grammar textbook as well. A good resource if you don't have one but don't want to buy one blind is this masterpost. I strongly recommend checking out their collection. It looks like they have a couple of books on italian verbs amongst others. I've used this resource for german and japanese before

All that said, conjugation is probably the hardest part of learning italian. Don't be discouraged if you find it hard or frustrating. Many italian native speakers will relate basdajkfkas

In recent years a lot of the more complex tenses are disappearing more and more from colloquial and spoken italian (mostly as a result of teens reading less and less). So even amongst native speakers you will hardly ever use them. It was a bit of a running joke that one of our political parties can't use congiuntivo to save their lives so. Maybe that helps you feel better about messing up as you learn 😂 try not to be harsh on yourself, and good luck!

#ali replies #languages

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coffeeman777 · 10 months

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Hi Kreg, this is a long one, so I apologize…

I am saved but struggle with some thoughts from time to time. First, I slip into thinking that the Christian life is boring and frankly miserable (this point is more linked to the second paragraph) I really don’t see how it’s interesting or how it can be fun. When I look up discussions on this, Christians just say, “It’s not boring” and then don’t elaborate. Respectfully, specifically what about it is not boring? I also don’t see many options for introverts like myself to have fun as a Christian. It seems that every Christian’s idea of fun has to involve going out in groups and doing things with other people. I feel ashamed that I think this life is boring, because it probably means that I’m not doing enough for God.

Another thought I struggle with is: how can I have joy when people I love may very well be on their way to Hell? I don’t know how I’m supposed to be content and at peace when I have loved ones who hate everything that God stands for.

Lastly, I also have trouble with comparing myself to others. I basically see myself as a loser Christian. Last week, a missionary to Tokyo came to speak to our Sunday school class and the main point of his message was that God wants to use each of us in a special way. I just don’t see it for me. I hate that I think this way, but I don’t believe God wants to use me in any extraordinary way. This missionary got saved in the US even though he’d never heard the gospel growing up in Japan. I’ve heard numerous testimonies from both pastor and other guest speakers at church where they got saved at a younger age and just kept growing more and more in the Lord. Meanwhile, I’m over here experiencing setbacks and struggling to stay on track. These testimonies are extraordinary and I can’t even remember the exact date that I got saved like most Christians can. I also had older relatives who have passed away and whose legacies are marked by their love for the Lord. To me, they’re legendary, while I’m ashamed that, even though they were model Christians, I’m nowhere near that. To know that these are the people that came before me and to know that these pastors, guest speakers, etc were/are so greatly used by God makes me not even want to try.

I also have a straight up question…does God bless you even if you’re not exactly walking with Him? Like, when you fall short, does He still bless you? I’ll admit that I have fallen short kind of a lot lately, and so whenever something good happens to me I don’t know if I should thank Him or not because I assume He’s not happy with me, so these blessings definitely can’t be coming from Him (or so I think). I’m also afraid of the possibility that He doesn’t deem me worthy of His discipline, which He only doles out for those who are, basically, walking with Him. I think that, if He were disciplining me, I would be going through more trials, not less of them.

Hello friend,

I'm sorry it's been weeks since you sent this. Life is crazy right now.

1) Boring is pretty subjective; depending on what you find fun, the normal Christian life can seem boring. We don't get into drinking, drugs, or promiscuous sex. We don't indulge in pornography, and we avoid a lot of movies and tv shows that glorify sin. That said, it's also true that a lot of movies and tv, and video games, music, board games, sports, and a lot of other things aren't sinful and are fully available to Christians to get into while glorifying God. When I have down time, I play video games, watch tv and movies, play board games, and every once in a while, get some nature by going to be beach or going on a hike. I also hit the gym multiple times a week. All of that stuff I find very fun. And I'm also a big nerd about theology and Bible study. Getting into the Scriptures, learning about God, seeking Him in private prayer and worship, and telling other people about Him is amazing. It's very much not boring at all. So, my advice is to try and change your perspective. Get into the Word, private prayer and worship. Once you experience God's presence, there's nothing else on earth that even comes close. And then find some hobbies to enjoy on the side; surely not everything you like is contrary to the Christian life.

2) Having joy in the Christian sense doesn't mean you're happy about everything all the time. It means that you understand in a foundational way that, although this life is full of tragedy and sorrow, God wins in the end; death is swallowed up by life, and our future in Christ is one of inexpressible happiness, where evil is finished, true justice is secured, and eternal peace, contentment, and satisfaction is ours.

We should be upset by our loved ones rejecting Jesus. We should care a great deal about it. We should let that concern fill us with an urgency to cry out to the Lord in prayer for their salvation, and drive us to share the Gospel with them as often as we can, in every way that we can. And once we're doing all we can, we rest in the knowledge that God is good, that He is perfectly fair, entirely just, and abounding in love and mercy.

3) Don't compare yourself to other Christians. You gotta stop it. Instead, focus on your own walk with the Lord. Read your Bible daily. Set aside some time specifically for prayer and worship and get alone with God. Ask for His help to conform your life to His commands. Focus on sharing the Gospel with the people around you that you know need it. And forget everything else. Let God be the one to decide how and when to use you. Work on being faithful in the little things and don't sweat the rest.

4) God blesses those of us who are in Christ because of Christ, not because of us. All of the promises of God are secured for us in Christ Jesus. You stand in His righteousness, not your own. So, yes, even though we're imperfect, God does still bless us according to His will. He also disciplines and corrects us when we misbehave. The best way to be is obedient to the best of your ability, to the best of your knowledge, all the time. And when you mess up, confess it quickly and get back to the obeying. This isn't so that God will bless you. Rather, we obey because we love Him and we want to worship Him with our whole lives, and because we want to glorify Him and be faithful witnesses for Christ.

I hope this helps! I'll be praying for you. Be blessed!

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starlooove · 1 year

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Saw a vid about supersons and Minecraft and it was so stupid and wrong what in the world makes you think Damian would be killing everything even in peaceful mode like wtf. Anyways here are some TRUE SUPERSONS MINECRAFT FACTS NOT CLICKBAIT 100% REAL (plus Colin bc he’s my son now)

-They argue about what mode they should be in: Damian argued for hard mode bc they’re built like that and jon agreed but he just wanted to fight smh. Colin was the only with common sense bc he knows they’ve never played Minecraft before and starting in hard mode would not only be difficult but boring if they won. They go normal

- Jon is the miner, Colin gathers the food, Damian builds the house

-Damian gets lost because he refuses to pull up coordinates and his memory SHOULD help him but he is so entirely laser focused on collecting materials that by the time he’s done he doesn’t even remember what biome he just came from 💀

- Damian goes above and beyond for the house ok; he will only mine for that, and Jon hates it bc Damian finds veins of like 8 diamonds and will only take enough for his pickaxe and axe. He will NOT share bc he needs a backup

-Jon spends DAYS in cave systems and he’s actually much better at finding mineshafts than anybody should be. He finds dungeons and dies immediately bc he turns the player around to inform Colin and Damian as if they’re all physically there

-Colin thinks it’s fair to keep inventory or go creative to get special loot back, Jon thinks it’s not. Damian didn’t care until he realized turning creative or cheats on means no achievements. The option is never considered again.

-Colin kills the sheep for the beds and a few chickens then immediately begins to set up the most intricate and complicated farm you’ve ever seen. Yes he’s a redstone guy. Understands it deeply in a way Damian and Jon are too scared to ask about. They always mine any redstone they see for him.

-Colin likes Diamond the most, Damian Iron, and Jon Gold (Damian tells him he’s stupid bc it provides 0 protection and Jon is like “but I look so good tho” and Colin calls him tacky

- Love villages and villagers and trading all of them

-Damian tames an iron golem. Nobody knows how and an investigation should be launched bc that’s not a game mechanic but whenever anyone asks Damian shrugs and the other two say “it could sense his gentle nature :3”

-They never actually defeat the Ender Dragon whenever it gets too close to that they find an excuse to create a new world and start all over bc they don’t rlly wanna finish it (they say they’re saving that achievement for a special occasion)

-Jon is Steve, Damian is Alex, Colin has a new skin everyweek.

-They find servers based off of cities and will pretend to be the cities heroes 😭

-Got kicked out of the Gotham server for calling their portrayal of spoiler inaccurate and refusing to change their skins (they were the birds of prey)

-Damián is currently building a whole BludHaven since there wasn’t one available. Hes going to leave it open where Dick can see so he doesn’t have to do something gross and mushy like go up and tell him about it

-Damian’s aim is TRASH in game and he can’t survive a single night. Not bc he can’t figure it out he just wants to have fun man he does not care about these mobs; if the house is already built and he’s just sprucing up the farm he will get killed over and over he doesn’t care

-try to go to bed at night but Jon is in the caves and forgot his bed, Colin died and lost all his shit before setting spawn so he has to find them now, and Damian doesn’t really feel like it bc Patricia (the chicken) is far more Interesting than a bed right now.

-Damian’s favorite mob is the spider and his least favorite is the creeper. Colin’s least favorite is the Zombie and his favorite is the Skeleton. Jon says his favorite is the creeper but it’s actually the Enderman, his least fave is the skeleton bc they ALWAYS kill him since he refuses to make a shield.

-Colin turned too fast and thought Jon outta the corner of his eye was herobrine. They abandoned that server immediately.

-Colin’s inventory is always overflowing bc he always thinks he might need literally anything he’s ever seen. Damian WOULD be the same way but he just has an entire chest room where he hoards everything. Jon does not care he will throw away a diamond pickaxe if the endurance bar is less than half bc it ruins the aesthetic. Never has what he needs when he needs it.

-none of them like going underwater but Damian and the only one who likes the desert is Jon. The only one who will go into the nether first is Colin (as in the other two will only go after Colin has torches, pathways, any signs of life in there. Matter of fact most of the time they refuse to go unless Colin’s found a fortress and made it easily accessible). They line up anything they need to get from these areas so they’re all branched off at the same time.

-Colin has an actual diary in game that he updates as if it’s real. Damian has one in Colins chest just in case someone else enters the server.

-Jon has 50 dogs and calls the cats too difficult and annoying to tame. Damian kills him. Colin has like 20 cats and is always begging Damian to get him more fish. Damian actually only has a few select animals as he prefers to let them roam around the yards he builds (catered to their home environments ofc.) noticeable ones include: Richard the Golem, Duke the bumblebee, Patricia the chicken and her mate Penelope, Joshua the horse, and Cassandra the parrot. (He has so many parrots guys it’s insane)

-none of them have the actual game sounds on they hate the music and it gives them all headaches. (Not projecting at all) They all listen to Lofi while playing or some shit. They have never gone a session without getting killed by a creeper at least twice.

-they tried to play hunger games once and they just got bored. Now bedwars and speedrun? That’s their shit. DO NOT play against them in hide and seek bruh they get together and start revolutions to kill the seekers they’re so annoying 😭 they’ve gotten banned so many times but they ask Barbara, and then Vic when she gets tired of it, to unban them.

That’s kinda it idk

Family bonus:

-They have one server where they don’t do much for friends and family to play. Nobody else is really all that interested in Minecraft but they see the kids playing and wanna fuck with em so 😕

-Jason’s a flower collector, he gets privileges bc he knows exactly which flowers Damian wants in front of the house and acts accordingly. Cass is this way when It comes to woods and Duke when it comes to carpets and paintings.

-Damian wants to let Dick play but he’s wary bc dick has been killed by Duke the bee so many times and his final straw was when Dick hit Richard the golem on accident and killed it instead of letting it kill him. He’s banned. Richard II was then tamed.

-Tim isnt banned but he doesn’t play bc he saw Colins redstone minecart rollercoaster thing when he was first starting and offered suggestions until Colin got fed up and chewed him out so bad he quit.

-Duke adds something new to the mansion (built by Damian and Steph who apparently has an eye for decor) everytime he goes and it always fits in seamlessly. He is the only sibling allowed on one of Damian’s servers that’s not the family one. He cherishes this. Dick could have the privilege but Damian still hasn’t forgiven him for Richard I.

-Cass doesn’t play often but when she does she LOOOOVES enchanting. She will do it for hours and get the best ones for their main armor and weapons and then really specific convoluted shit for fun. Her goal is to have one sword/chestplate/etc. for each enchantment available on item frames in the manor.

-Steph doesn’t fuck with Minecraft but she goes in to dye the sheep and change the names of everything. Damian bans her. She bribed Babs to let her back in. Damian names a cat after Barbara and snitches when Steph changes the name. Steph mentions that the cat wasn’t taken care of and was used for this purpose. They are at a standstill.

-Kon likes to blow everything up and he banned himself after he made Jon cry. He only goes into the server to fight mobs and give loot as a peace offering. Damian has forgiven him, Colin hasn’t.

- Clark and Bruce go in once and speedrun the entire game, defeat the ender dragon get every achievement etc. worst mistake bc the server is now creative friendly. There is nothing friendly about it.

-Every single person will get on Colin’s roller coaster and go “weeee!” The entire way. He’s flattered.

-The death count on that server is astronomical. Almost all of them are accidents.

#long post #SORRDY #also Dick did kill Richard on purpose #he is not sorry #he was jealous and he will kill Richard II if Damian lets him into the main trio server #has attempted to bribe Duke into doing it for him #Duke is not an idiot #supersons #batfam #headcanon

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nagy-bari · 1 month

Text

standards

aph hungary and romania have a little chat about a future project regarding an archeological find.

no human names used -if i did it right no country names used either.

cussing and swearing and the most awkward tension ever.

cause i still fall back to write semi-personal rants using these two horrid little portraits, and cause i should really focus more on my uni but it was kinda inspired by uni.

The small kitchen with the two chairs filled with old times, smoke and dust reminiscence of a battle or a wine cellar. The two figures in it looked more akin to a painting waiting for restauration or half way saved from the teeth of time dulling their colors. One sitting at the table, the other next to the counter, glass in hand looking out the window.

The lazy afternoon basked them in warm, familiar almost kind hues, soothing out the acid in their tone.

‘ so he’s back. And you invited him back.’

‘not exactly. He found out I found where he stored his precious little favourite toy for 42 days and now he wants a guest room for him there.’

‘that’s… and you’re gonna set up that guest room?’

‘yep.’ The woman took a gulp of her glass. ‘what would you do?’

‘not tell him in the first place?’

‘as if that was ever an option.’

‘yeah it is. You found something you don’t say shit, end of problem.’

‘even Mr. ‘Murika found out before I could finish the search, there was no chance in hell he wouldn’t find out about it.’

‘so you’re just gonna set up a guest room for him to march back whenever he feels like it.’

‘yep.’ Another gulp. ’politics don’t really care about historical sentiment.’

‘ya crazy? That’s all it cares about, how else do you think people gonna vote?’

‘to be honest I’m still hoping people will be so fed up at one point they just don’t go to vote. Like any of them.’

‘dream on.’

‘but you know the same shit as me, forgiveness is our cultural corner stone, and if I’m half a good a Christian as my government makes me out to be, I should really be happy to be in the position to set up that guest room – as a sign of good faith and forgiveness and cultural friendship.’

The other snorted an ugly laugh.

‘and you believe that bullshit?’

‘as much as you do.’

The two figures raised their glasses at each other and took a swig. The one standing reached for the bottle to pour another round. The wine looked amber gold in this light, the sour taste mixed with the smoke from outside still reminder of old times that were never quite there.

‘so what now?’

‘hm?’

‘you’re done with your little speech, I can go I assume?’ She smiles, a crooked smile.

‘thought you would love to ridicule the shit out of this clusterfuck.’

‘it really is just sad if anything.’

‘I’m trying to re-learn a bit of comedic sense here.’

‘by rolling over for an abusive ex?’

‘might as well get used to being the punchline.’

She’s laughing. He’s just looking somewhere with hooded eyes.

‘and why do you think I give a crap?’

‘I know you don’t. it’s the best practice.’

Silence. She shrugs and looks out the window enjoying the last rays hitting the building and he studies her from behind his glass. Then he takes a gulp, sits down his glass on the counter and rolls his shoulders.

‘you know this is exactly what fucks you up more right?’

She hums and turns with a smile, question in her movements.

‘and you know that this fucks me up as well.’

‘and?’

‘and I was never a good enough enemy to be such a supportive boxing bag. I don’t wanna deal with your bullshit of choices.’

‘I don’t want you to.’

‘you told me about it.’

‘yeah so you get the whole story and can laugh more.’

There’s real mirth in her eyes when she smiles, the ones he last only saw under the soviets. The absolute nonchalant acceptance of a grotesque reality. It makes him all the more angry.

‘what sort of heartless monster do you take me for?’

‘a lucky enough bastard to still have a better image in grand total globally.’

‘so you do want me to suffer.’

‘i thought you don’t care enough about me to have any kind of effect on you.’

‘you told me this whole thing.’

‘you can always leave.’

‘don’t pull that shit on me.’

She’s all smiles and he hates how serious he sounds. As if he cares. As if they are actually friends binding over past trauma.

‘why aren’t you telling this to your precious little phoenix friend? He would actually care.’

She looks at her glass.

‘he was more on the trading side of the Ottomans. I was more on the get fucked part.’

‘so what, this whole thing here is just a get fucked pity party?’

She looks out the window again.

‘like you’re actually want to get a fuck out of this or some shit?’

The neighborhood is still painted in soft glow of the afternoon but their building is already in the shadows.

‘no, I’m not gonna let you use me in some twisted self-depricating spiral, no. Jesus woman get a grip.’

‘this is me getting a grip.’

‘no, this is some toxic shit you’re too gone to notice and too sado-mazo to not enjoy.’

‘as if you don’t get a kick out of it.’

‘again, what kind of monster do you take me for.’

‘the same.’

‘the same what?’

She glances at him and smirks and he hates how it gets him to hyperfocus again on her lips and eyes and how actually this is ridiculously working for him too.

‘as me?’

And it’s gone. The light behind her is faded, the colors are an ugly gray her face is tired and wrinkled, her hands are calloused and her nails have seen better days. Her lips are chapped, her eyes are sunk in and her hair is just a bunch of brown strings knotted in the mother of all nests.

And it’s still working. Cause those tired eyes have some remnants from a by-gone time where they hid together in the market, a little time for themselves between errands. She looked way better then. Being forced into the palace and the garden did wonders for her look. The subtle smell of flowers and that wild fire in her eyes worked wonders all around. But her harsh humor stayed. And he got them in trouble and she got them in trouble and it was way back and they were maybe just kids, maybe never adults and maybe it doesn’t count this time as it didn’t count then cause who keeps records anyway. They can enjoy the stolen moments and still hate each other.

It's always been like this. They got each other in hell – if all fails, this remains.

‘so what, you want me to use that guestroom too? Are you inviting me over to be your next ex-tocix shitty partner?’

‘would you? Or am I beneath your standards?’

He straightens up, crossing his arms anger boiling all memories into nightmares.

‘you’re not gonna drag me into your fucked up pity party.’

‘okay.’

She smiles and turns back to her glass, turns back to the window, giving him a way out, giving him time to collect all he needs from the kitchen and leave. He knows. This is his chance. To stick to what he’s saying and remain clean from her mess. Saving himself weeks of headache and self-doubt, a migrane a-

He sits down across of her, hands laced over eyes piercing this mess of a woman across him.

‘I still hate you, and I love to see you suffer but you need to get some help. Some serious help.’

‘if you look at it this way it can be a little art-therapy. Cultural things are art in every form, if I can make that room pretty enough it might work out.’

She’s talking to herself and he accepts for now, it’s better than to have her eyes on him daring him to leave her or jump her. Her profile is still carrying something from her golden days centuries if a millennia ago. It’s not fair how good she looks exhausted. How she has something from those classical romantic paintings’ sadness, that melancholy etched into her lines, her form. She spares him the dilemma of saying anything as she rambles on.

‘maybe this way I can finally get some kind of closure as well. Naïve I know. But I hate how good it feels to be a woman and know that I can thank him for learning that. I hate how much stuff I adore in beauty he loves too. I hate how he still think we’re good friends enough to just ask me to set up a guest room. I hate how I have to forgive and he doesn’t even think there are things he should maybe ask for forgiveness. I hate how if I act upon my part of the story I’m a moody bitch who cannot ever give another chance to anyone and the tackles idiot who can’t appreciate culture. I hate-‘

He reminds himself to breath as her voice trails off, slight tremors, a telltale sign of tears to come but she’s just smiles sharper at the window, her eyes creaking with spiteful cheeriness as she marches on.

‘ cause I know it’s pointless. Cause even if I make a nice enough guestroom and all the media covers it as some archeological historical great point cause ‘oh my Gosh that sultan was buried HERE, in the middle of fucking nowhere for HOW many DAYS, why yes of course you have to make a whole ass museum to talk about that culture’ and not about the ACTUAL fuckin CULTURE that it destroyed and damaged on the way, the actual living fuckin planecrash of a clown culture still kickin and screemin in my own fuckin language hogy a jó büdős kibebaszott élet kurná szét az egészet, mert tényleg felesleges. Az egész. Annyira. Felesleges. De jól mutat.’

Her voice gets quiet at the end. She retorted back to her own language and he hates how he gets the swears but not the end. She chuckles with centuries of resentment and it sounds nice when it’s not aimed at him but he squashes out that thought. He waits to see if she’s done. If he can leave. If he still has a way out of this.

‘don’t you love to watch a trainwreck fumble around parading as some super railjet?’

He lost. She’s looking at him through bitter smile, and he wants to snarl back, to behave cool and collected to correct her, to drag her to shore cause this is fucked up, cause she cannot be right all the fuckin time, cause he got better, he stopped this nonsense why does she have to drag him down again-

‘you need help.’

‘yeah. But no one’s gonna go out of their way to do it.’

She laughs

‘and honestly I get it. Everyone has their plate full. Wars and genocide all around and here I am crying about a fuckin museum for a 5 hundred dead skeleton who’s not even here.’

‘you need help from professionals not fuckups like me.’

‘now, don’t say that. You’re dealing with this waaay better.’

‘you trying to be positive is the most horrifying thing I’ve seen. Don’t do it.’

‘afraid your perfect little hate-able image will get morphed?’

She’s riling him up cause she’s desperate for a simulation, anything to voice out the self hate he knows all too well.

‘if anything it made it permanent.’

‘don’t you find it funny how we give up everything for the empires.’

The tonal whiplash hurts more with her eyes back to the window. He lost his chance to leave. He still could just get up and walk out but it’s too late, she wormed herself into his thoughts and he hates how much he wants to act. How he has this urge to do anything to shake her out of this. How he knows the next steps in this little dance.

‘the once ruling wonders built on our blood and cries upkept by never-dying-myths of grandure and culture we made reality. And yet. And yet…’

She burries her fingers into her hair, hiding behind her arms, folding in on herself.

‘it’s so fucked up to search any solace in a culture you were taught to hate on principle, something that did and didn’t do any lasting damage and change on you, something you find wonderful and horrifying, alien and oh so familiar. It’s so fuckin wicked to celebrate the man and the culture that destroyed your own. Yet…’

She looks at him again, her eyes burning in a haste, a carnal hurry and he’s afraid it’ll scorch him beyond repair.

‘yet, if you cannot appreciate the true value of all of this you’re the stupidest of all to live.’

Her voice is soft again, her eyes holding him in place for a moment before his lips betray him.

‘just poison him.’

She blinks in surprise.

‘when he comes over to the guestroom and you get down again just poison him.’

‘in this economy?’ she barks a laugh.

‘if you hate this so much do something. Refuse. Twist it. You’re the woman, you know how to be oh so better than us, just kill him in his sleep.’

‘but still get in his bed. Is what you say.’

He stops, she looks at him with sharp unbearable smile.

‘you do agree that I should just endure this whole and be what I am. A whore.’

He ruffles his hair in frustration. She keeps the paper thin smile pointed at his neck like a poison blade.

‘cause that’s how it looks no matter what I do. It’s pointless. No matter how much personal growth and therapy I sneak into that room to help me, it’ll always be just a glorified holding cell for a bed to fuck me in.’

‘you talking like this is not helping you in any way. And you know it. I know you know it.’

‘What? It’s the 21th fuckin century, strong independent woman can’t talk about how she’s a sex worker in the same room as lawyers about paid healthcare and social benefits?’

She was riling him up again.

‘How has this anything to do with the museum and all?’

‘Don’t tell me you think now that whore is a diminutive thing to call a woman? You loved to call me a bitch. Still do.’

‘You calling yourself that too?’

This finally shuts her up a bit. But hey eyes are liquid acid and he hates how it thrills him.

‘I thought you don’t care.’

‘does it look like I don’t care? Does this whole conversation sound to you like I don’t give a fuck?’

‘well, do you give a fuck?’

He stops himself from just grabbing a shaking her. To just shout at her to finally tell him what to do, how to help right now, not on the long run, not throughout the horrid journey of healing but right now, in this cursed moment where she wants to hit rock bottom, what on earth does she want him to do in this damned scene.

‘will you make that guestroom?’

‘not my decision. Government wants it, looks good for the media, for diplomacy, for culture.’

He’s off the hook for now, her eyes averted back to her glass.

‘so just make it about you. Tell your side of the story.’

She looks up with genuine laughter hiding in her crushed eyes. She gave up long ago.

‘do what you’re doing to me with style. Make it art. Sell it. Make it more alluring than that dead man.’

‘how could one conquered part of an empire ever be more interesting than the man who created it.’

‘you killed him didn’t you? Maybe that’s the spice. The place that cost the empire its greatest.’

‘and what did I get out of that kill? Wasn’t even me, it was old age and sorrow and my suffering only started then. It was only the beginning.’

‘you are still here. With your own language, own land, own history, make it about survival, make it about how empires fall yet some things remain.’

‘the hate. That remains. The disdain, the miscommunication, the different narratives. The complexity of it all never trully explained, that’s what remains.’

‘you are clever enough to leave all the breadcrumbs for others to find.’

She looks at him amusement mixed with the acid that drips from all deliberate wrong choice in life.

‘isn’t it naïve to think people will have the attention to even look for the crumbs?’

‘they will.’ He doubles down, hoping his voice comes across as determined and unvavering and not hungry. He licks his lips. Tossing a coin and jumping in without the result. ’after all, who doesn’t love a good mystery.’

Her eyes turn two shades darker, the same hunger echoing in them. Neither of them move. Old memories flash in, with the descending shadows, the outside slowly turning from gray to black with fizzling oranges and yellows splattered in it. Neither of them move to flick on the light.

It might be the last stop before the fall. The last moment to steer back the conversation, to even continue the conversation in any way. The next would be only actions. So the kitchen remains in dark, cause movement is an action.

It goes like this.

The only light in the small kitchen comes from under the door and through the window. Two set of eyes stare at each other centuries old dares echoing in them.

To see who moves first. Or who looks away. Who breaks the rules to create the exception.

The window paints her in muted gold and murky greys, her dark circles all the more prominent. She parts her lips a bit, maybe trying to say something, maybe to just get some air, cause it’s a stalemate, and the kitchen is filled with dust like a wine cellar long abandoned. She decided long ago where this was going. Yet-

His eyes are like fire, twinkling embers turning to charred ash, if she wasn’t already burning from the rot inside, he would scorch her. She tries to bat away his voice from the beginning, the raw worry in it spoils her determination. She wanted to feel like shit, he would make her feel like shit, the sky was blue the grass is green, these things should never differ…

A part of her appreciates the irony of the situation. She wants to believe so hard in how things are complex and if given enough time people can understand, better yet accept those complexities, and here she is, clinging with all her claws into such childish rules set up by oh so many variables.

She doesn’t want to hear the worry in his voice, doesn’t dare to think about the what ifs, the meaning of her own words on forgiveness and Christian compassion. She wants to feel like shit. How she thinks she should.

All these slow stops and ways out freeze her. The shadows helped so far yet now she hesitates. If she goes for it, just simply does what she wants she’s no better than the problem she talked about.

But she was always a problem. So now what?

He closes his eyes with a sigh, taking a deep breath. One of his hands come up to smooth over his face blinking back at her again. Shoulders slumped, exhausted.

The stalemate is broken. The tension – no. the moment is gone.

She blinks as well, still burning from the rot festering inside but biting back on the stench. He warned her multiple times, he wouldn’t do it. She’s almost proud for him. If she was anymore collected she would say it to him. Now all she does is reminding herself to blink, to quiet the fires, to get a grip.

He moves to stand up, taking her glass to move it to the sink.

‘you up for some hot chocolate?’

She shrugs, looking out the window, trying to focus on anything besides the rapidly approaching disappointment. Cause she’s gonna vomit all that bitter acid on to him. She’s gonna be that bitch who never appreciates a good deed. She just wanna feel like shit in a different way.

Hah. Ain’t she needy to boot.

He’s trying to busy himself with the process of heating up milk and dissolve the cocoa in it.

‘sweet or salty?’

‘bland.’

‘you mean bitter.’

She doesn’t trust herself with an answer. She’s looking out the window, he’s turned towards the counter. After some clinking with a spoon his voice is hesitant.

‘you need help. Not from me, not from the eu, not from the higher ups. Not politically or culturally. You need – fuck, it were so much easier if we were just humans – but you need simple humanitarian help. Like with compassion and shit. And I’m the last person you want this from but right now a simple hug and a real cry-out would help you more than you getting me to fuck you raw.’

He doesn’t turn towards her as he puts the two cups into the micro to bake the chocolate a little bit. Her voice is as dusty as the air.

‘Humanitarian help is what needed in Ukrain and Gaza and all those other places no news station can reach.’

‘yeah but you also gotta live. You made it this far. Would be a pretty miserable joke to give up now. It’s just a museum. You had worse.’

‘I have worse.’

She sighs, finally letting a tiny bit of tension out of her shoulders, hand trying to rake through her locks. She lays down on her folded hands over the table, still looking out.

So far the nicest rejection she got from him. Another one for the exceptions.

‘look what I try to mumble is that you deserve help. Isn’t that also in that ridiculous bible of ours?’

She closes her eyes muttering some half assed retort. The darkness is familiar behind her eyes, the quiet beeping of the micro is the next thing she focuses on cause if she let her emotions check in she will cry. And that would be just annoying at this point.

He places the mug down the table, slightly nudging her crossed arms as he sits down across, taking a sip. She doesn’t move. He feels like he ran a marathon and managed to knock over a blind kids sandcastle at the last step. He doesn’t know if he’s okay, if he can walk out now and he fears he’ll ramble something stupid so he tries to concentrate on the sweet warm drink in his mug. Not sure if it helps with anything. He tries not look at her crumpled form on the table basked in the lights from outside. Too much, too heavy, too… simple.

The air is still dusty and smells like old times, the silence almost domestic and her mug slowly stops steaming.

His voice is gentle if a bit croacked.

‘it’s gonna go cold.’

She finally moves to cup it in her hands, her head like a sad soggy sack of potatoes hung low as she gazes into the mug, not trusting herself to look at him. He clears his throat.

‘should I call a friend over?’

Her head moves a tiny bit, before a sullen shake tells him no. He takes another sip, trying to let the warmth of the drink solve this gordian knot.

She finally takes her first sip of the drink. Shoulders dropping, a sigh mumbled into the mug and he pretends to not see the tears and the snot on her nose.

‘thanks.’

‘yeah… just… just get help.’

‘you’re kind. Too kind.’

He ignores the acid around the words, how he knows it could have also played out and takes a sip again.

‘when the guestroom is ready you’re also welcome. To test if my little art-therapy worked.’

He cannot fight off the smirk.

‘you want to piss him off?’

She chuckles, her voice hoarse and crooked.

‘within survival reasons.’

He dares to look at her again and she has her eyes closed, a wobbly smile on her lips.

‘you’re gonna be okay.’ He tells her, surprised at how warm his voice is but chalks it up for the exceptions. ‘mixing high culture and history with passive aggressive narrative sounds like a fun task.’

‘yeah.’ She doesn’t open her eyes, just clutches her mug closer, sniffing as quietly as she can.

He imagines kissing her forehead for a moment but doesn’t move. They are too far apart, and anything like that would drag him dangerously close to just give into her despite his resolve. Instead when he’s done with his mug he searches for a napkin. Washing his own mug, putting the napkin next to her he stands, one hand on the doorhandle. He’s hesitant.

She blows her nose and it’s eerily soundless but she sighs again, a bit more straightened up and glances at him. His hand find the back of his neck, unsure what to say.

She cracks one of the saddest smiles he seen, nodding with her head.

‘run along, you outdid yourself tonight.’

‘you sure you don’t want a friend around?’

‘what, just cause you rejected to have sex with me and made me a pity choco we are friends now? How cheep do you think I am?’ the snark in her voice is shacky but back, her head held a little higher. ‘I’m quite picky with my friends, unlike my hookups.’

She’s finally smirking at him and there’s an itch to just march back and kiss her senseless cause she wanted this so bad, he’ll show how he’s above a cheep hookup but stops and just laughs a little snort.

‘well unlike you, I have standards for my friends and hook ups. But don’t worry, there’s always time to raise them some more.’

‘like only hookin up in a place dedicated to memorate a long gone empire you were partially slave of?’

‘sounds like a date.’

He winks and opens the door, seeing her wave an uncertain hand after him.

#aph hungary #aph romania #fanfic #semi-personal rant woven into a fanfic #rohun adjacent stuff #cause it's still my favorite toxic couple but i never let them get it on?#like they are too proud to give into stuff? kinda?#hetalia fanfic vaguely mentioning real history #i'm really bad at tagging.#also this was supposed to be the work that pushed me out of the procastination freeze i have for weeks now #not sure if it did it's job

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acespec-ed · 2 years

Text

Good Lord, I’m having a major epiphany right now.

While I’ve always been aware of the fact that some of my crushes I’ve never been sure if romantic or something else, I mostly just, went along with romantic because, they feel intense. Borderline obsessive. I think of them all the time. I look them up all the time. I want to stare at them all the time. I want to hug them. I do daydream about them. BUT- I don’t remember if the daydreams were ever actually romantic. I can’t fuckin, remember what exactly I WANTED to do with them. And it bugs me because, I can’t remember my exact feelings for people I crushed on from 5-10+ years ago. I can’t remember if I wanted to date them, or marry them, or whatever else! However, there are crushes I’ve had where I CAN remember wanting to do such things. So clearly I must feel romantic attraction sometimes.

But what about these ones I can’t remember?

Let me be clear that I am strictly talking about my many celebrity/fictional crushes from here on out. (Pretty sure all my irl ones have either been romantic, or amatonormativity making me desperate for a boyfriend.)

I can remember the strong aesthetic/sensual attraction. I can remember obsessing over them. I can remember all the hours spent googling them. All the pictures I’ve saved of them. I remember imagining them with me. But just, chilling together while I share all my troubles with them. Also a feeling of being cared for by them. (This also happens with irl crushes, but the irl crushes still have other elements from these ones that I interpret as clearly romantic.) This last chunk makes me feel like, maybe I’ve just had issues with being ignored all the time and I’m just, throwing all my worries and woes on some male figure I just so happen to be obsessed with. Because my father wasn’t around when I was growing up or some psychological shit like that.

I mean, if I can remember all those specifics of some of these crushes from 5-10 years ago, then you would think I’d be able to remember if there was some element of romance thrown in?

The biggest problem is, I totally resemble an alloromantic with these crushes. Young girls on TV squealing and obsessing over some guy? Relatable. 100% relatable. I turn into fuckin’ Helga Pataki whenever I get a new crush. Which is why I thought romantic attraction. My behavior mirrors theirs. I just never felt jealous or wanted to act on my feelings. It’s like, the vast majority of my crushes were, would be happy being in romantic relationship but if that’s not an option then I would be happy being friends. Or even just acquaintances. Or strangers idc. As long as I can still gaze upon their beauty and be around them on a regular basis. I still consider myself orchidromantic for all this.

Not only that, but I have reason to believe that, all forms of attraction can feel equally intense. As in, a squish can feel just as intense as a crush. Aesthetic attraction can feel just as intense as sensual. Etc. Etc. So intensity levels and obsessive behavior are meaningless when trying to pinpoint what kind of attraction you’re feeling.

Then alterous attraction. Oh God, alterous attraction!

I’d heard of it, but I never identified with it because my brain always thought, “oh you’re just looking for an excuse to be aro!” + the definition was so annoyingly vague and confusing that I never even bothered with it. (I personally hate when things are vague.) But with all these thoughts running through my head recently I just, decided to look it up to try and figure out what EXACTLY it was supposed to feel like.

And I still don’t. Reading people’s actual examples and experiences of what it is- it just sounds like romantic attraction. It sounds like the average crush. It sounds like people looking for an excuse to call themselves aro. (I know, shame on me for thinking that.)

It then occurred to me that, golly gee whillickers, maybe the fact that I can relate to the experiences some people have of alterous attraction, means that maybe, just maybe, I’ve been experiencing some form of alterous attraction all along. And it’s just me ASSUMING it’s romantic because, “oh they’re all of the opposite gender and they’ve all made me act like the typical alloromantic despite the fact that I never feel any actual desire to be in a romantic relationship with them.”

So now, I don’t know what the hell to think. If I’ve just been going through some sort of aro-version of compulsory heterosexuality this whole time, if I just want attention, if I just need therapy, or if I’m reading way too into things and I really am alloromantic.

I still don’t think it matters THAT much, because me being “more arospec than I think” doesn’t affect my life at all since I have a boyfriend and do experience crushes. I certainly look like an alloromantic. But if it turns out that, all this time I was experiencing alterous attraction instead of romantic attraction, then I’m betting there’s a shit ton more people out there in a similar position. Because I still feel like I fit in more with alloros than aros.

#just me rambling #thank you to everyone who had the patience to read through this wall of text

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