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just-some-fiction · 3 years

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Just You and Me Part 20

Pregnancy Snippets Part 1

Before her bump was too restrictive and after Rio put Mike and Mick as her security detail, she got them to let her tag along to work one day. Feigning innocence and saying she just wanted to tag along for the drive, when in reality she wanted to jump her man. Her sex drive was on high lately and all she wanted to do was climb her husband like a tree whenever she saw him. Arriving at the bar, the boys got out and headed towards the entrance, only to turn and watch her walk in with them.

"Uh," Mike looked at Mick, "he's gonna shoot us."

"No he won't," she laughed as she opened the door and stepped in, "he's old school, he'll never kill you two in the presence of his unborn child."

Rio was sitting at the bar with Jakes, Cisco and one of the new underlings, Eddie, who was tending the bar. It was just the four of them in the building. They were currently waiting on Mike and Mick to have a meeting. When he heard the door open, he assumed it was them so didn't turn around, his attention on his phone, sending Lucia a text message.

"Who's the pregnant lady?" Eddie asked.

As Eddie spoke, a phone went off behind them and his head whipped up. Looking behind him, he saw his pregnant wife stroll towards them, with Mick and Mike trailing in the back, looking a bit skittish.

"Hey Lucia," Jakes greeted her with a wave.

"Hi Jakes," she smiled, before turning to her husband, “hey babe,” who raised an eyebrow, sending his two right hand men a look. Oh god, she loved that look, grabbing his hand, she pulled him towards the back office.

"Bye guys," she smirked as she pulled her husband along.

"Did she really just use us to get some?" Mike looked at Mick.

"She's a genius," Mick shook his head, "at least he ain't gonna shoot us now."

"Just glad the boss didn't assign the two of us as her security," Cisco said to Jakes who simply laughed.

As the office door closed Rio turned, ready to interrogate her as to why she was here, but was interrupted by her pulling him in for a kiss. Her hands were everywhere, his shoulders, torso, neck and arms. Not allowing him to pull away just yet, Lucia sucked on his bottom lip as her hands travelled down to his crotch, cupping him through the denim.

Slightly pulling away he almost laughed, "Are you for real right now?"

"Mhm," she nodded before pulling him back to her.

Who was he to deny her? He hoisted her onto his desk, kissing her neck while sliding her tights off and sliding his hands under her knitted jersey, groaning at the absence of panties. Her hands worked to loosen his belt and unzip his jeans, before shoving it down along with his boxers. Working her hand over him, he was soon hard and sliding into her.

Biting his shoulder as he moved in and out of her. Rio was placing kisses all over her neck. He loved how she felt since falling pregnant, it was tighter and wetter than before, her skin sensitive and responsive to everything he did. With the way she was clenching around him, neither one was gonna last long.

He held her as she shuddered, her face buried into his neck, "That's it mama," his grip in her hips tightened, "take it all in," he felt his balls tighten, "fuck Lucia," he pushed as deep as he could, emptying his load inside of her.

Helping her straighten up he looked at her, a smirk on his face. She rolled her eyes pulling him towards her.

"Don't," she warned, "I already feel bad for using those two just to get some."

He laughed, "I ain't say nothing mama," wrapping his arms around her, "I just got this meeting then I'm done for the day aight?"

"Mhm," nodding, she kissed him before hopping off of the desk and following him out into the open area.

"I'm gonna just be over there," pointing to one of the booths, not making eye contact with anyone and refusing to acknowledge the amused looks on Jakes or Cisco's faces. However halfway to the booth she stopped and turned around looking at Eddie.

"Hey," she called, "could you make me a milkshake please, there's vanilla ice cream in the deep freezer at the back and in the office there's microwave popcorn and caramel sauce," the others, including Rio sent her incredulous looks, "what, who do you think makes sure ya’ll munchies stash doesn’t run out?"

"I've never seen anyone go from horny to hungry so fast," Mick mumbled to Mike, who choked on his drink, as Rio sent them both a look.

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A few days later at the warehouse, Mick and Mike strolled in. Walking over to Rio, who was dealing with one of their associates, Mike cleared his throat. If their boss was surprised to see them, he hid it. They were supposed to be at the apartment with Lucia until he got home. The associate was currently tied to a chair, gag in his mouth and looking alarmed.

"Scuse me man," he said to the guy, smiling that hollow smile of his before turning to his two most trusted men.

"Boss," Mike spoke, he never called him anything else when they were working, leaning closer so the tied up man couldn't hear. Rio sighed before turning to him.

"I'll be back, gotta deal with something quick, these two will take care of you," he said, patting the frightened guy on his shoulder, before walking out.

He made his way to the car and climbed into the back, sending his wife an exasperated look. Leaning his head against the headrest he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Lucia," he pulled the hood of his hoodie down, "you can't be forcing those two to drive you to wherever I am when you thirsty."

"Yes I can," she said, sounding indignant, "I'm pregnant."

"I'm handling a rotten egg mami," he sighed, looking out the window. Glancing over at her, he pursed his lips, he saw her clenching her thighs together. Of course him being the crime boss dealing with shit would turn her on right now, he thought.

Being who he was, he groaned and moved towards her, placing his one hand on her thigh and the other pushing her hair out of her face, “That really got you clenching round nothing mami?” Soon she was on his lap, kissing him as she sank down onto his length.

"Fuck," she moaned as she came, looking at him as her ogasm ripped through her. He came soon after, burying his head on her neck. Kissing him soundly she climbed off of him, straightening her dress.

"Fuck mami," he tucked himself back in to his pants. She pulled him towards her, kissing him again.

"'m sleepy," she mumbled, he stroked her hair for a few minutes as she dozed off.

A few minutes later he walked back into the warehouse, as calm as ever and nodded at the three men. Their associate was sporting a few bruises and gashes.

"We were just finishing up," Mike explained, smirking at Mike, "you can head out if you want boss."

"Nah imma handle this but if you two could do clean up that'd be great."

Lucia was napping on the backseat of the car, having tired herself out while riding him. Part of him wanted to just drive her home and run her a bath, but he had shit to deal with inside. So here he was, finishing off his rotten egg before hopping into his car and driving his wife home to pamper her.

"Sure thing," Mike nodded.

"Thanks boys," he smiled coldly before picking up a crowbar from the table.

Later, Lucia woke up as they pulled into one of their car washes. Sitting up on the backseat, expecting to see Mike and Mick, she let out a surprised huff when she saw her husband's face in the rear view mirror, a bored expression on his face.

"Have a good nap?" he asked, glancing at her through the mirror. His hoodie was zipped up straight to the top, covering his tattoo. She nodded, leaning forward and kissing him on the cheek.

"I did," she whispered, "but now mama and Bean are hungry."

He turned his head and stroked her cheek, "Ok mami."

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During her pregnancy she felt a range of emotions. Some days she'd be horny and hungry, jumping Rio every chance she got, not that her husband would ever complain. Other days she'd be extremely emotional.

Rio was busy with a meeting when he felt his phone vibrate. Sighing he knew exactly who it was, but as much as he wanted to answer it, he couldn't. Later that evening when he got home, he found Lucia alone in the apartment, having told Mike and Mick that they could call it a night. When she saw him, she pushed herself off the couch and went to the bedroom.

"Hey mama," he greeted her as he walked into the bedroom. She ignored him and went about getting ready for bed.

"How was your day?" he asked, but she continued to ignore him, "Cia?"

Suddenly she burst into tears. Her shoulders shook as she sobbed. He came to sit next to her on the bed.

"Mami," he tried again, "what's wrong?"

"You don't love me," she said between sobs.

"What?"

"You ignored my text message," she sniffed, "and you came home late and the other day with the boys you forgot our smoothies and this morning you didn't kiss me before you went to work and last night you raised your voice at me-"

Pregnancy was a roller-coaster he decided. Sighing he ran his hand over his face, which probably wasn't the best thing to do because his wife started sobbing harder.

"And now you're getting annoyed with me," her sobbing started again.

"No baby," he tried pulling her closer but she pushed him away, causing him to rock his jaw, which set her off even more. That's how he ended up on the couch for the night.

Sometime during the night he felt a presence next to him and the sensation of being poked. It was followed by something heavy climbing on top of him. His eyes shot open, his survival mode kicking in, only to realize that it was Lucia who was trying her hardest to get comfortable on top of him.

"Nah," he said, turning on the reading lamp on the table by his head, "we ain't sleeping here Lucia," no way was he going to be a preggy pillow on a fucking couch.

With that, he pulled her to their bedroom and settled in. He didn't say anything about the shit eating grin on her face.

"I love you," she whispered into his chest.

"Love you too," he replied, "you psycho," she kicked him in the shin.

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One day, Mike came into the warehouse, looking very sheepish, "Uh," he just pointed to the door and Rio knew.

Climbing into the backseat he found Lucia sipping on her milkshake. As soon as she saw him she launched herself into his arms.

"Mami," he sighed.

"I was feeling sad and wanted to cuddle and Mike said no so I told him to drive me here," she explained, "he didn't wanna cuddle cos I'm fat."

"Nah ma," he chuckled, "he ain't wanna cuddle cos I would probably cap his ass."

She said nothing, just cuddled. Calling Mike he decided he'd take her home and spend the rest of the day with her. His boys would handle business for the day.

"Want me to take you home mami?" he toyed with a strand of hair, "Run you a bath," he slid his hands down her back, squeezing her ass, "make you feel good, haven't fucked in a while."

"We fucked yesterday morning," she said into his chest.

"Exactly," he shrugged, "that's more than twenty four hours ago."

She laughed kissing him as he untangled himself from her to get the keys from Mike.

"She ok?" Mike looked a little worried.

"Said you didn't wanna cuddle with her," Rio looked amused more than anything.

"She didn't ask me to," Mike scratched his head, "she just said you broke her pregnant pillow."

"Preggy pillow," Rio automatically corrected him, rocking his jaw in annoyance that he knew the right terminology, holding his hand out he snapped, "not a word, gimme the keys."

Mike just laughed. They drove home and cuddled on the bed for the rest of the day. He'd answer a few work emails and take a few calls, while Lucia napped on his chest. Every few minutes she’d move, or stretch, placing a kiss on any part of him and then doze off again. When he was done with work, Rio pulled the blanket a bit higher, covering her shoulders. Resting his hand on her swollen abdomen, he felt the baby kick.

"Hey pop," he whispered, smiling as the baby kicked again, looking at his wife whose face was squished against his chest, fast asleep, "can't wait to meet you," he kissed her head, "three of us are gonna have so much fun together."

"And I thought pregnancy made me sentimental," Lucia mumbled into his chest.

Rio chuckled, "Nah it just made you horny as fuck baby," he kissed her nose as she looked up, "not that I'm complaining."

Lucia sat up, rolling her eyes, her hand rubbing her little bump, "I'm gonna go lay in the tub for a bit, wanna join me?"

A few minutes later the couple were submerged in bubbles and warm water. Rio pressed her shoulders and kissed along her neck, before slipping his hand between her legs.

"Papi," she moaned as he fingered her, "so good."

"Come for me baby," he whispered, smirking when he felt her clench around his fingers, her orgasm hitting her, "good girl," he kissed the side of her head, "my good girl."

Later he made them lunch and they watched a movie. Lucia cuddled deeper into his warmth under the blankets, enjoying the time with her husband. Rio held onto her, rubbing her back and placing random kisses on her head.

"Baby's kicking," she took his hand and placed it under the blanket to feel.

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One day Lucia woke up from a nap to the sound of a gun being cocked and her two security details jumping up.

"Boss no," Mick pleaded.

"The fuck is this?" Rio did not look pleased. A few minutes ago he strolled into a quiet apartment, annoyed that none of them were answering their phones. Only to find his two right hand men and wife napping on the couch.

An hour earlier Lucia was complaining of back pain and how she can't sleep because of it, "Rio fucked up my preggy pillow, so I usually nap on him," she said as she stretched.

Mike looked at Mick then at her, "Oh hell no," when Lucia looked at them.

"Come on you guys," she sighed, "we're family and it's not like we haven't shared a sleeping area before, remember the camping trip."

"Yeah," Mick spoke up, dipping a chip into the salsa he was currently having, "also remember homeboy was there and he almost shot me for stretching too close to you."

She rolled her eyes, "Please guys," she pleaded. That's how they ended up on her couch, sandwiched together, one supporting her back and the other as her preggy pillow. What they didn't account for was all three of them falling asleep and being discovered by a very annoyed gangster.

"Baby, seriously," she sighed, sitting up straight , sending her husband a look.

"Rio, man," Mike wanted to laugh but he knew as soon as he did, he'd be dead.

"The fuck you two still doing on the couch?"

"For fuck sake babe," Lucia was annoyed now.

"Lucia," he warned.

"You fucked up my preggy pillow and you weren't here so I had to improvise,"she huffed, "so either you get out or shut up and come be my preggy pillow."

By now Mick and Mike were slowly edging out of the lounge, their eyes glued to the gun. Rio pursed his lips, his free hand twitching as him and his wife had a stare off.

"It's like you want me to kill someone," he mumbled into her hair a while later, both out of breath and naked. Mick and Mike somehow made it out of the apartment unscathed.

She sighed, resting her chin on his shoulder, "Next time don't fuck up my preggy pillow," she replied, her arm tightening around his middle, "mmm I missed you," she chuckled, "Mike's body is too skinny to do this comfortably," he made a sound at the back of his throat, "next time I'll try Mick as the pillow and Mike as the back rest."

"Nah," he cut her off, "there ain't gonna be a next time, cos from now on, imma be here the whole time," he looked down at her, "gonna be working from home and whatnot."

She smiled, "If I knew using Mike as a pillow would get you to stay, I would have done it a long time ago."

"Whatever you psycho," he wrapped his arm around her, "still not sorry about the preggy pillow."

----------------------

The preggy pillow met its end five months into her pregnancy. Rio walked into their home one day to find the monstrosity of a pillow in the middle of his bed, with his wife napping around it. At first it was adorable, she sat with it everywhere and it helped her sleep, especially when he wasn't there.

Slowly it went from being cute to being annoying, especially when Rio wanted some quality time with his wife. Lucia had that pillow with her everywhere, when they were in bed, when they were chilling in the lounge, just everywhere.

The breaking point came one night when he woke up to movement. Only to look over at his wife and see her pleasuring herself with the pillow, nestled between her legs. Just before bed, he slid his hand up her night shirt and bit his lip suggestively, only for her to say no. Now she was laying her getting herself off on this fucking pillow. To make it worse, the pillow was situated between them.

"See how it is," he drawled, as her eyes shot open in the dark, "why fuck your husband when you got a pillow."

She had the decency to look guilty, "Hey baby," she lifted her head off of the pillow. Before she could do anything, the pillow was pulled from her and the next thing she knew, Rio was slicing it with the knife he kept in his bedside drawer.

"Rio!"

Walking over to the window, he wrenched the curtains open and tossed it out the window. Turning around, he shrugged his shoulders before getting back into bed.

"My pillow," was all she could say.

"Nah mama," he growled, rolling them over, "from now on imma be your pillow," with that he kissed her, moving his hands under her sleep shirt. She just sighed into his mouth, wrapping her arms around his neck.

Later on, when they were done Lucia was nestled into his side, drawing circled on his chest, "Can't believe you got jealous over a pillow," she laughed.

He made an unimpressed sound, "Can't believe you thought it was aight to pleasure yourself with a pillow when I'm right fucking next to you."

"You were sleeping papi," she reasoned.

"When that ever stopped you before?"

That seemed to keep her quiet, "Yeah, that's what I thought."

She laughed, "My silly man," kissing his neck and wrapping her arm tightly around him. Her silly man who saved her all those years ago and who's loved her regardless of where she came from. The baby started kicking as Rio drew patterns on her belly.

------

Pregnancy also seemed to affect Rio. The next morning Lucia woke up to her husband's head resting on her belly, it would have been adorable, if only he wasn't explaining what to look for in a gun.

"You want something that's easy to conceal yeah," he whispered, "you also need a silencer, your uncle Mick can show you his collection one day."

"Can we not explain the intricacies of gun use to a 20 week old foetus?" Lucia looked down at her husband.

"We already went through the intricacies of gang law the other morning," he shrugged.

"Of course you did," she laughed, laying back against her pillows.

"What you wanna do today?" he rested his head against hers, "Boys are handling business today," he kissed her neck, "could run us a bath, with all those salts and shit you like," he kissed his way down her neck to her collar bone, "watch movies," pulling her nightie down slightly he sucked on a nipple, "or we could stay in bed all day and I could fuck you sensless?" his hand skimmed up her thighs and between her legs, "Fuck you wet already mami," pushing a finger inside of her.

"I want all those things," she moaned as she pulled his head towards hers and kissed him.

Another time she found him watching videos on breastfeeding and the different ways for the baby to latch. There was something extremely comical about watching a gangbanger learning about breastfeeding, especially when said gang leader just came home from dealing with a few men who tried to encroach on his territory.

“Baby what are you doing?” she frowned, trying to hide the amusement in her voice.

“Did you know that breast milk can be stored in a freezer for three months?” he looked at her, his eyes wide in amazement.

“I do now,” she laughed.

“And that you can use breast milk to clear up a blocked nose, ear infections an cracked nipples?”

“I did actually know that,” she leaned into him as he continued to scroll through videos on his phone, “thinking of becoming a lactation consultant or something?”

He huffed, “Was curious,” he looked at her, “don’t really want my kid drinking that formula shit you know,” he shrugged. They spoke about this when they found out they were expecting and decided they both wanted the baby to be breastfed.

“I know baby,” she kissed his cheek, “so what else did you learn?” she peered at the phone screen.

“Dads can do that kangaroo care thing too and they can cup or bottle feed the baby breast milk,” he showed her a video showing a man holding his child on his bare chest, practising skin to skin contact.

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Lucia woke up one morning and cuddled into Rio’s warmth. She felt his arms tighten around her, causing her to smile. Since Rio decided to work from home, they fell into a routine. They’d wake up and lay in bed until she’d need to use the bathroom, then they’d make breakfast and shower together and he’d do some work, while she went through their books and by the afternoon they’d be lounging on the couch watching something.

Evenings consisted of him running them a bath. She’d lay against him, while stroking his stubble and placing kisses on his neck.

“You good?” he mumbled, head tilted back, enjoying the warm water and feeling her, naked and wet skin against his. She nodded into his neck, lips sucking on the skin, her hands roaming over his muscular shoulders, before taking his one hand that was resting on the outer edges of the tub and moved it under the water, placing it on her bump.

“He’s kicking,” she smiled into his neck, “our baby papi,” she smiled.

“Ours Cia,” he sighed, tilting her head and kissing her.

------------------------------------------

With her second pregnancy, came an added feature - possessiveness. During her first pregnancy, they didn’t have to deal with the likes of Beth Boland. However, now, she was a fixture in their lives, something Lucia was not handling well since falling pregnant. It didn’t help that Rio wanted her nowhere near Beth , worried she’d see Lucia’s pregnancy as an opportunity.

“Lucia,” Mike sighed, seeing her walk towards the G-Wagon, “we had strict instructions, he will shoot me on sight.”

“No he won’t,” she rolled her eyes, “I will, because I’m pregnant and horny and you are preventing me from scratching that itch,” she smirked, “unless,” sending him a suggestive wink.

“Get in,” he ground out.

“Thanks Mikey.”

They pulled up to the warehouse and Lucia grimaced when she saw the minivan. Mike glanced at her and sighed. He’s known her for long enough to know when her insecurities were coming through and this was one of those moments.

Rio rocked his jaw in annoyance. These ladies were testing his patience today, especially Elizabeth. He respected the fact that she was trying to be a boss, but she still didn’t understand the consequences of her actions. The added annoyance came with the fact that she was still trying to seduce him - something that was getting old and something that may lead his wife to commit murder.

They were almost done with their meeting when the door to the warehouse opened - as usual he assumed it was one of his boys or Mike, so he didn’t turn around. However, when Elizabeth’s attention was focused behind him, it grated further on his nerves and he glanced behind him. Suppressing a groan as he saw his wife walk towards them, her little bump barely visible, but still there and that all too familiar look on her face.

“Hey boss,” Mike greeted, sheepishly, “ladies,” he nodded at them, avoiding eye contact with Rio, “you all know Lucia, right?” he tried lightening the tension.

Lucia rolled her eyes as she walked alongside him, not sparing the ladies a glance and beelined for her husband, grabbing his hand and hauling him towards the back office, not even bothering to make an excuse. He decided, these ladies were wasting his time today so he didn’t mind taking his time with his wife either - might as well send a message to Elizabeth. As she came to wrap her arms around him he sighed, pulling her closer as she kissed him gently. Soon she was sucking on his neck, her hands trailing down his hard torso, over the fabric of his shirt. His hands grabbed her ass, as he pulled her in for a kiss, groaning when she rubbed against him.

“You not supposed to be here Lucia,” he said, pulling away, his hand on her neck, making her look at him.

“Papi,” she sighed, trying to unbutton his shirt, but he stopped her.

“I don’t wanna give that woman anything to use as ammo,” he glanced down at her bump.

“She’s a mother Rio,” she sighed.

“Don’t matter,” he growled, “she was willing to leave our son without a father.”

He had a point, but at that moment, she couldn’t care, all she cared about was having him fill her very empty body. Cupping him through his pants she pulled him closer. A few minutes later he had her bent over the desk, fucking her from behind.

“Love how this pussy feels when you’re pregnant mami,” he groaned, “should keep you knocked up all the time,” Lucia couldn’t respond, too lost in the feeling of him filling her. Everytime he pulled out, she felt the veins along his dick, creating delicious friction against her sensitive walls.

“So good mami,” he huffed, as his thrusts became harder and deeper. Gripping her hips until his knuckles turned white, he held her in place as he came, groaning into the back of her hair. Her walls clenched around him as she came. Pulling out, he slid her panties back in place and helped her get dressed.

"You good mami?"

She nodded, pulling him close and wrapping her arms around him, "Yeah I am."

He kissed her roughly, holding her flush against him, "I won't be long yeah," he squeezed her sides, "gonna deal with them and then I'll be home," he kissed her cheek as she trailed her hands down his chest, "pick up something to eat too."

"Can't you come home now?" she pouted as she played with his chain, causing her husband to laugh at her behavior, both of them aware that she was being silly.

"Mami," he laughed, his hands resting on her little bump, "your mama is having a moment," he rubbed the bump earning him a whack against the shoulder, "she likes hitting me too but you gonna protect me when you're here yeah," Lucia rolled her eyes.

Outside Mick and Mike looked at the ladies, a bit sheepishly. Beth had a murderous look on her face and both Annie and Ruby looked around a bit awkwardly.

“This happen often?” Annie broke the silence, Beth sending her an annoyed look.

“Pretty much,” Mick shrugged. They all cringed as they heard the thud of the desk behind the office door.

A few minutes later Lucia walked out, Rio trailing behind her, rolling his shoulders as he watched her hips. Elizabeth had an annoyed look on her face, while Annie looked amused. Regardless of her dislike for Beth Boland, Lucia didn’t have anything against Annie and Ruby, finding them entertaining.

“Can we get on with it please,” Beth rolled her eyes.

Lucia ignored her and turned to Rio, who smirked, “See you at home mami.”

“Let’s go Mikey,” she walked past them towards the door.

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During her first pregnancy, Lucia became a bit self conscious regarding her weight. Rio noticed after one of his mother's block parties, when Jenny looked his wife up and down, a smirk on her face. So when he woke up the next morning alone in bed, to find his wife staring at herself in the mirror with a look on her face, he threw the covers off and stood behind her. She immediately lowered her top when she saw him. Raising an eyebrow, he placed his hands on her hips and pulled her flush against him. Burying his nose in her hair he sighed.

"Why you let bitches like Jenny Valdez get to you?" she tensed up at the question and when she didn't answer he lifted his head, looking at her in the mirror.

He huffed, rubbing her bump, feeling their baby kick against his hand, "Feel that yeah, that's ours," moving her hair to one side he placed a kiss against her neck, "our little bean, we made that," turning her head, he kissed her, "you gotten so far baby,” he held onto her, swaying them slightly, “accomplished so much over the years,” he smirked against her skin, “probably the only person out there who can put up with my shit,” she scoffed, “girls like Jenny stay in their bubble, living in the past and scavenge off other’s leftovers,” his hand trailed under her top, lifting it off of her, baring her to him, “fuck mami,” he groaned, his eyes roaming down her body, before lifting her bridal style and onto the bed, “the hell do I want anyone else but you Lucia?” he growled before devouring her lips.

At the next block party, Rio made a point of paying close attention to the looks people decided to send Lucia. When he noticed Jenny eyeballing her he smirked, before walking over to his wife and running his hands along her body.

“Looking good mama,” he rasped, tilting her head towards his and kissing her, “so fucking good,” he said through clenched teeth.

“Easy there papi,” she laughed, “public remember.”

“Don’t care,” he growled, “you ma girl, carrying my kid,” he whispered, “anyone got a problem with me being handsy they can fuck right off.”

She shook her head and kissed him, before looking down at her bump and shaking her head, “Daddy is silly.”

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Rio was watching her out of the corner of his eye, waiting for the right moment to get up and help her. For the past ten minutes Lucia has been trying to pick up a book that fell out of her hand, however due to her belly she was having some difficulty bending down. Knowing better than to immediately get up and help her, Rio waited for the right moment to get off the couch and pick the book up. He heard her huff as she tried using a pair of grilling tongs to reach the book, however due to her height she wasn’t able to. Instead of her calling him though, he heard her throw the tongs down in frustration.

“Baby you a’right?” he looked over at her feigning surprise at the sight of her struggling.

“I dropped my book and my baby bump is in the way so I can’t bend down,” she rambled as he walked towards her, picking up the book, as she took it from him, she looked him up and down, “you did this to me.”

He grinned in amusement, it’s been a regular occurrence lately for her to say that whenever she was having a bad day, most of the time he’d leave her and not saying anything, however today it was rather amusing, “You weren’t complaining when I was doing it to you,” he stepped closer to her, resting his hands on her stomach, “pretty much the opposite,” his voice went deep and rough, “you were praising me more than anything,” he chuckled, “was creaming on me while I fucked you, remember?”

She just rolled her eyes, but he could see the flush start building up along her neck, “You’re an idiot,” he smirked and pulled her towards their bedroom.

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The worst part about her pregnancies weren’t the cravings, unstable bladder or mood swings, no, it was the knowledge that her husband might not come home. Lucia realised her pregnancy didn’t exempt them from the reality of their world when there was an attempted hostile take over from the Arrabuenas.

That morning she kissed him before she went to work for one of her last shifts before going on maternity leave. It was an uneventful day, her colleagues threw her a mini baby shower in the breakroom and the rest of the day the trauma unit was quiet, until just thirty minutes before her shift ended. The paramedics wheeled in a man with a badly beaten face and several stab wounds to the abdomen. Lucia froze when she recognised him as one of Rio’s underlings, the attending doctor, someone who was part of RIo’s gang, looked at her and nodded. In a matter of minutes, she got her things and went home. When she walked into the apartment she was met with the sight of Charlie dabbing a cut on Rio’s face.

“Fuck,” Rio cursed when he saw her, “babe I’m fine,” he winced a bit and that’s when she noticed that he was shirtless and sporting a bandage along his side and one wrapped around his bicep.

By now Charlie moved out of the way and was collecting her things, “I’ll keep you updated on the situation,” with that she left.

“What the hell is going on?” Lucia turned to her husband, “My shift ended with a few of your boys coming in sporting some serious damage.”

“Jarvi Arrabuena decided to make a move on my territory,” he winced as she started cleaning up his cuts, “turns out those kids were working for him the entire time,” Rio sighed, “motherfucker decided to strike on his own without the rest of his posse there to help,” he shook his head.

Lucia just looked at him, he saw the apprehension in her eyes, “Hey,” pulling her close, “come on mami, I’m fine baby,” he held her chin so she wouldn't turn her head, “just a few scratches, I ain’t leaving you or our kid aight,” she said nothing, just leaned into him and held onto him.

They got rid of Jarvi and his people a week later, when the power hungry gangster decided it was a good idea to try and kidnap Lucia. She was on her way to her car, when she felt a presence behind her, unfortunately, due to the extra weight, she wasn’t as quick on her feet as she usually was, before she could do anything, she lost consciousness. When she woke up she found herself in her own bed and Chuck laying next to her.

Somewhere in town Rio was staring down at Jarvi and his men, lined up in their own warehouse, hands bound and on their knees. This wasn’t going to be a quick execution, no, he needed to send a message to whoever thought it was ok to target his pregnant wife.

“Jarvi,” Rio crouched down in front of the other man, “you’ve tried a lot of risky shit in the past,” he paused, “but this, has to be at the top of the list,” his eyes were cold as he spoke to the other man, “the fuck you thought this was gonna end huh,” he pulled out a blade from his pocket, “targetting my wife and unborn child,” he looked his old schoolmate dead in the eye, “you know what I gotta do now yeah?”

It was a long process, however the message sent was clear and to the point. They sent pieces of Jarvi and his men to the different areas in the city. That night he walked into his home, washed the blood off his body and crawled into bed. Lucia woke up immediately, pulling him close to her.

“You okay?” she whispered in the dark, her face buried into his neck.

“Yeah,” he replied, his voice just as soft as hers, “fuck Lucia, thought I lost you,” he kissed her head.

"I'm right here," she felt the baby kick, "we're both right here papi," she placed his hand on her tummy so he could feel.

-------------------------------------------------

Marcus was unsure what to make of his mother’s pregnancy. The little boy was intrigued and kept asking questions whenever he could. He’d ask if it hurt to carry a baby in her tummy and whether the baby could hear them on the inside. One day the question that both Lucia and Rio were avoiding came up.

“So what did daddy have to do?” he asked looking at his parents. Rio who was sipping on a bottle had to stop himself from choking.

“What you mean papi?” Lucia asked, feigning confusion.

“Why do you tell daddy that he did this to you sometimes?”

This time Rio did choke on his water and had to hide his laughter behind his hand, Lucia glared at her husband before turning back to her son.

“And why does daddy say you liked what he did?”

If looks could kill, RIo would be dead right now, he cleared his throat and got his son’s attention, “Pop there’s some stuff you’ll only get when you’re older,” Marcus made to protest but Rio the ever patient one stopped him, “I know it’s frustrating to hear that but it’s true aight,” the little boy nodded.

“I just thought you gave mommy the seed to eat that makes the baby grow,” he shrugged his shoulders. Both his parents burst out laughing at that.

#rio x lucia #marcus #good girls nbc #lucia solano #mick and mike #mike graceland #mick good girls

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pinkja · 4 years

Text

Sports, Crushes, College and All Other Things Stressful (Nora x Black Female Reader)

AU where Nora is a stressed out college student and you are a simple black girl who has no time management.

Nora felt like she was a simple person.

She grew up in a small town near Salt Lake City, made it through the akward teenage phase, and graduated high school with honors.

Does it matter that she was always so close to pulling her own hair out in frustration? She doesn’t think so.

She liked to think that her high school years went swell.

She was captain of the swim team, played in both tennis, chess, soccer, and volleyball. She was also co captain of the debate team, won the Reading Bowl in TOME for three years in a row (she didn’t join freshman year) and did a bunch of community service at the homeless shelter every other Saturday from 9am to 3pm.

Yeah, Nora was a simple person, she thinks.

Does it matter that she barely had time to sleep? She doesn’t think so.

She got into college with a full ride scholarship (which her family celebrated for two days straight. It practically turned into a block party.) She was on the Pre-Med track, wanting to become a pediatrician like her grandmother had been, and like her mother had been, and like her older sister had been as well.

Wait…who exactly was she doing this fo–

Doesn’t matter!

She got to get an apartment on the campus housing first year with her best friend, Abby, who’s a biology major of all things, when Nora was pretty sure she was gonna be an English major. Her room was pretty average, but Abby often made comments about how it really needed some personality.

“You don’t even have a poster!” Abby remarked one day while she was laying on Nora’s bed. She had an old copy of Lord of the Flies in her hands, read and re-read about eight times.

“Not everyone needs a poster, Abby.”

“Yeah, they do. Especially when you don’t have a book or a video game, or even something to play music on-”

“Isn’t it enough that I have a phone?” Nora placed her head on Abby’s lap. Abby rolled her eyes and sat up on the bed so Nora would be more comfortable.

“And you had to beg your mother for it. Now hush and let me finish this chapter.” She leaned against the headboard and made a comment about how she was going to buy her a poster for Dirty Dancing or something.

Now that freshman year was almost over, and tennis season for the school had started up again a month prior, Nora, being captain of that and many other teams, was starting to feel even more stressed. She has to aid the coach in training the less athletic recruits, plan their next meeting, and prepare for their next game which was in two weeks, which was a few days before a big biochemistry test.

She was out by the track, the slightly warm early April air hitting the side of her sweaty face after almost an hour of staying out in the sun. There was another hour of practice left, and with a clipboard, a pen, and a timer in her hand, she watched the baby-faced girls run laps around the field.

“Ok, the game is on a Saturday, it takes around 30 minutes to get there by bus, so 30 minutes to get back… but the game ends at 6:30 so I have to give at least another 30 minutes to an hour for traffic, not including the time it takes to shower and pack our stuff up so the latest I’d get home is around…” She looked up from her clipboard, tapping her feet on the floor. “Jackson! If you want to play in the next game you gotta beat your record! Pick up the speed!” She called out to a red haired girl.

God, I really hope I’m not sweating out my hair, she thought, brushing a few stray hairs back in her ponytail. Nora went back to muttering.

“Ok so that means I’ll be home by 8 at the latest, and if I lock myself in my room and pull an all nighter, I could probably get all my studying done by 6-ish? Maybe… I would have to stock up on coffee. I’ll stop by the store on the way ho–”

Nora’s quiet rambling was interrupted by a voice.

“Hey, Captain!” Nora didn’t turn around, already knowing who it was by the voice alone.

(Y/n) (L/n).

Ah, Nora’s feelings for you were…complicated, to say the least. But we’ll get to that later.

“Sorry I’m so late.” You rubbed the back of your neck with a sheepish smile.

“Fourth time this month, (Y/n).” Nora’s voice was stern, exasperated and a bit annoyed.

“I know. I know, but–”

“You know the drill. 10 extra laps and you have to beat your record or else you don’t play in the next game. Go.” Nora didn’t look up from her clipboard, but knew you were pouting anyways.

Your footsteps echoed in Nora’s ears as you ran to the field, smiling at your teammates as they passed you. She marked off your name on her clipboard and wrote “Late” next to it, again, with furrowed eyebrows and annoyance tickling the back of her brain.

When 4 o’clock came, the girls all filed out of the field and towards the locker room, feet tired and sore. You were still running, of course, doing the 10 (plus 10 extra) laps you were assigned. Although you weren’t, Nora felt like you were taking your time, acting as if you hadn’t a care in the world.

“God, I have to get home and study…” Nora whispered and rolled her eyes, even though only 5 minutes had passed. By 4:15, you were done, walking back to her while rubbing your left thigh.

“How’d I do, Captain?” You asked while wiping the sweat off of your forehead. You balanced yourself on the balls of your feet. Nora clicked the button on her timer once again and finally looked at you.

You had sweat stains on your blue shirt, and you picked at the edge of your shorts that rode up your thigh just a little bit.

“Two minutes under your last time. I guess you get to stay in this time around.” Nora said curtly, pursing her lips while doing so.

You smiled as if you already knew the answer. “Aw come on, Captain. Have a little faith in me, yeah? I’m not all bad.” Your nose scrunched you as you pouted.

God your lips were so cu–

“But I do stink though. Imma hit the showers real quick. You coming?” Nora gulped, mind going a little to the left as she snapped out of her thoughts.

“Yeah.” Was all Nora could say in response.

They walked into the locker rooms, all of the girls clean and gone. Nora placed her things on one of the benches, opening and looking into her locker for clean clothes. You did the same.

“Jeez, all that time I put into doing my hair only to sweat it out in less than 10 minutes. I don’t know how you do it, Captain.” You remarked, looking in the mirror of your locker. Nora hummed, but didn’t respond. She grabbed some fresh clothes from her gym bag and started stripping.

Nora peeked into the mirror in her locker at you. Yours was diagonal from hers. You were still looking at yourself, not at her. Part of her wanted you to be.

Once she was done, she wrapped a towel around herself and grabbed some soap and a rag. She showered in silence, only being interrupted by the pat pat of your footsteps on the floor as you hopped in the showers next to her. You tied your hair up and put a bandana around your head before starting the shower, and Nora looked away before she could see anything else.

She thanked whatever god there was that there was a wall between you two.

But what if there wasn’t?

Nora started to feel very self-conscious all of a sudden. She started to take note of the stretch marks and too thick hairs on her stomach and arms and legs.

Oh my god, is my hair presentable?

She went to smooth out her hair with a (thankfully) not soapy hand, but stopped herself. She wouldn’t want to ruin her hair now. She spent all morning getting it together.

Wait? Why am I worrying about my appearance? My body is fine.

After her little realization, Nora started scrubbing really hard at her arms and legs, preoccupying her mind with the upcoming test.

Nora finished before you did, wrapping a towel around herself and waiting until she was out of your sight to start drying herself. She put on some lotion and deodorant, got dressed in a pair of grey sweatpants and a green shirt and sneakers before grabbing her stuff and going to leave.

“Captain!” Your voice stopped her.

Dammit! She was almost free!

“Yeah?” Nora took a few steps back but didn’t look in your direction.

“Can you…um…stay?” Nora’s spit got caught in her throat. “I mean, until I’m done. I really don’t like being in the locker room by myself. My mom always told me don’t let myself be in a room alone.” You let out a laugh, albeit a bit nervous.

Nora nodded, spitting out a stuttered, “Sure.” She hopes she didn’t sound too excited. She leaned against the outside wall of the showers, facing away from you once more. Nora waited (im)patiently, suddenly remembering how she forgot her glasses at home and that’s why she hasn’t been able to see well all day. She also remembered the stain on the coffee table that she was too busy to clean up because she was rushing out of the house because she had slept through her–

The squeak of the shower faucet snapped Nora out of her thoughts as the rush of water stopped. Nora kept her eyes on her shoes as you passed her, suddenly very interested in the speck of dirt on the toe of her left shoe.

I should clean it later, Nora thought.

“Captain?” Nora’s head snapped up, looking towards you with large brown eyes. You brought a plump lip into your mouth before giving Nora a smile. You were done getting dressed, snatching the now-wet bandana off of your head.

God, is it hot in here? Nora feels like she’s been sweating oceans.

“Thank you for staying. I’m sorry if I bothered you.”

“No problem.” It’s not like she doesn’t have a test she has to study for or a meeting at 6 for a club that she really couldn’t remember the name of now which was really concerning, but Nora couldn’t bring herself to care because you were smiling at her and Nora’s heart was not working anymore.

Although part of her wanted to be mad at such a carefree attitude and your seemingly lack of schedule, she settled on scolding you instead.

“Practice is next Monday at 3. Try not to be late next time.” You nodded before grabbing your stuff from the bench behind you and walking out of the locker room in silence. Nora followed before you both split off in different directions.

Nora’s weekend was filled with nothing but meetings and studying and homework, with the constant repetition of “Game on a Saturday, test on a Monday” leaving her mouth. She started her mornings at 4 am, going for a 2 hour run around campus. At 6 she went back home and took a shower, answered a bunch of emails about things that Nora couldn’t bring herself to care about anymore, and then she spent a good 3 hours studying old material from her classes, read a book she was assigned for Lit, then she was back studying again.

Wait, did she eat anything?

She wouldn’t have if Abby hadn’t practically shoved a piece of turkey bacon down her throat because, “You literally haven’t eaten since yesterday afternoon” which she should be grateful for her friend’s willingness to remember the important things for her when she forgot them. She had meetings for Spanish and French Honor Society, Creative Writing, the school’s green club, and she also had to tutor a bunch of kids who were failing their math classes.

And to top it all off, you were late to practice, again! God, Nora wanted to be mad at you. You were being selfish at this point. Didn’t you know that if you were late she had to stay with you until practice was over?

Well, technically, she didn’t. She could leave practice whenever she wants to but honestly she didn’t want to leave you to practice alone. Plus, you might slack off!

Nora’s eyebrows twitched at the thought. It’s like you didn’t have a care in the world! You just walked around wasting her time, your time even!

You arrived 15 minutes late, better than last time, but still late.

You were already preparing your excuses, but Nora shushed you, telling you to go and practice on your serves. You did just that. Nora had already completed her drills, now just waiting for you to show up. She wrote your name down and the word “late” next to it once again before she went back to observing her team.

Once 4 o’clock rolled around, the girls rolled out and into the locker rooms, while you stayed behind. Your serve was good, Nora thought, you were just a heavy hitter and would forget to try and get the ball into the court first.

After watching the ball fly past the court for the 3rd time, Nora sighed and made her way over to you. You spotted her and gave her a smile.

“Hey, Captain! You need something?” You asked as you threw the ball in the air. You hit it across the net and watched as it flew straight into the wall. You grabbed another ball from the basket next to you and went to do it again until Nora gently grabbed your wrist and pulled it back down.

“You hit too hard, (Y/n). Try it again, but with a little less force.” Nora stated, backing out of the court to watch you once more.

You tried again, only for the ball to land just outside of the court.

“That’s ok, (Y/n), just try again.” Nora encouraged you. You tried again and again, only for you to keep hitting it out of the court.

You let out a huff, frustrated. “Captain…” You whined, turning to her with dragged feet. “This seems pointless. I just keep hitting out of bounds.” Nora raised a brow, not taking you for the type to give up so easily.

“You know we can’t leave until you get it right.” You pouted at her answer before going to try again. Nora stopped you, walking up to you and grabbing the hand you were holding your racket in. “Here. Make your hand face the net. That always helped me serve better.” Nora turned your wrist. “Now plant your feet so they’re in line with your shoulders.” You listened. “Now breathe in, slowly, and as you breathe in, toss the ball into the air and as soon as you exhale, swing. Don’t focus on the force. Focus on how your hand moves to hit the ball.” Nora realized how close she was to you, how weird this must’ve looked to others and what they might think.

She was starting to get self-conscious again.

Nora cleared her throat and backed out of the court again. Once she was far enough, you served again, the ball just making it into the court. You jumped up in excitement, coily hair bouncing with you. Your eyes darted towards her, a wide smile on your brown face.

“Captain! Captain I did it! Did you see?” You spoke with the giddiness of a child with a new toy, and, suddenly, Nora’s anger at you disappeared. Nora nodded with a smile.

“I saw. Good job, (Y/n).” You smiled wider at her praise, going to pick up all of the balls you managed to drop. Nora helped.

After cleaning up the mess you made, you both walked to the locker rooms. You repeated your routine from Friday, with Nora finishing earlier than you once again. Nora remembered how you had asked her to stay, and decided not to leave you behind. She walked to her locker in silence, getting dressed in some jeans, a graphic tee, and her same pair of sneakers she always wore before leaning against the walls of the showers like she did once before.

She was still facing away from you.

“(Y/n)?” Nora called, despite the lump in her throat about having to talk to you while you were naked.

“Yeah, Captain?” You answered, stopping the humming you were previously doing.

“May I ask, um, why are you always so…late?” Nora tapped her fingers on the wall and hoped she didn’t offend you with the question.

You were silent for a moment before answering. “I just lose track of time, y’know?” Nora’s eyebrow twitched again. You spoke as if you knew what she was thinking. “Yeah, yeah. I know that’s not a good excuse. However, I get so caught up in the little things that I just forget to remember the big things.” Another twitch of the eyebrow.

God, was it gonna get stuck like that?

You turned off the shower and wrapped a towel around yourself as Nora moved to sit on the bench. She preoccupied herself with her shoes again and waited for you to get dressed. The buzz of your phone interrupted the silence between you two. You grabbed it from out of your locker and looked at the bright screen before scowling and placing it back in your bag.

“I wanna know, Captain.” You started, as you put underwear on. Nora cursed the human evolutionary habit of looking at anyone and anything that made noise, as she had turned her gaze towards you as you were putting on a dress and oh my goodness you weren’t wearing a bra. Nora’s face burned as she quickly turned back around to look at her shoes. “Have you ever had Mr. Lance before?” It took a few seconds for Nora to register your question, and once she did, she shook her head no.

“U-Um… no. No I haven’t, um… Why do you ask?” Preoccupy yourself with the test, Nora. Focus on the test.

Game on a Saturday. Test on a Monday.

“I wanted to thank you for once again putting up with me and helping me in practice. Other captains would’ve just left me there.” Now she felt bad for thinking about leaving. “You wanna go?” You turned to her with another smile, not caring that Nora wasn’t even facing you.

“You don’t have to. It’s really no problem.”

Game on a Saturday. Test on a Monday.

“Come on, Captain. Please. I promise you it’ll be worth your time!” Nora finally gained the courage to look at you, and you were pouting. Good god you were pouting and it was so adorable and Nora really has to learn how to focus again.

Game on Saturday. Test on Monday.

Nora was in a trance. Your eyes had caught her in a trance and she couldn’t get out but she had to. So she agreed to your little adventure. You jumped up again in excitement and Nora was once again reminded of the fact that you don’t have on a bra. You both walked out of the locker room and you led Nora down the street to one of the coffee shops about 7 minutes away.

“Mr. Lance is just a few minutes from here.” You started as you put your phone in your bag after checking it again. “And I know the name seems kinda boring, however, they serve the best ice cream there is.” You gave Nora another beaming smile to reassure her, even though Nora didn’t need any reassurance.

Once you both arrived at the little parlor, you opened the door for Nora and she was immediately hit by the cool air and the smell of mint. Nora scrunched up her nose a little bit and sat at one of the red chaired booths. You sat opposite of her and folded your hands on top of each other.

“What do you usually get here?” Nora asked you, pushing her glasses up to her face.

“I either get the triple chocolate milkshake or the extra cookies and cream ice blizzard. But that’s my personal preference. Get whatever you want.” You said nonchalantly, not even looking at the menu.

Would it be too embarrassing for Nora to admit that she didn’t know how to choose? Nora thought that yes, it would be. However she couldn’t just not order something after you had brought her all the way here. That would be rude! But it would also be rude to sit there and order something she wouldn’t want and then sit there and pick at it because she had never really had time to–

“And what about you, miss?” Nora jumped at the voice. She looked up from her death match with the colorful menu and at the waiter who was standing there with a notepad in her pale hands.

“Uh…oh! Oh! I would like a…” What the hell was that first thing you said? “A triple chocolate milkshake, please.” Nora’s face burned at her awkwardness. Maybe she didn’t leave that weird teenage phase at all.

“Coming right up! I’ll just take these off your hands.” The waiter grabbed the menus and walked off to the kitchen.

Nora tried to act like she didn’t feel your gaze on her while you waited, and felt grateful when your phone buzzed for the third time that afternoon.

“Guess I’m popular today, huh Captain?” You let out a chuckle as you turned your phone off.

Nora smiled back and she hoped it wasn’t crooked.

You pulled at a curl on your head and frowned. “I’m so glad tomorrow is wash day. My hair’s been so uncooperative lately.” You pulled at the same curl again and watched as it bounced back into place. “Captain.” You called her. Nora answered. “What do you think I should do with my hair? Twists or plaits? Ooh maybe I can do box braids instead.” You shot out ideas to her, hoping she would choose and make your life a bit easier.

“Um… I think you’d look good in–in twists.” Frankly you would look good in anything.

Wait, what?

“Don’t you have to set out the whole day for that? You have classes tomorrow, don’t you?”

“I have one class in the afternoon but it shouldn’t be a problem. I can catch up easily.” You said nonchalantly.

She looked at the clock on the wall to check the time. 5:45 p.m. She cursed how fast this day was going.

Their treats came a few minutes later and you popped open your straw and dug in. Nora did the same, eyebrows raising at the onslaught of very, very sweet chocolate attacking her taste buds.

“See. I told you it was good!” You said, licking a little bit of chocolate off of your lips. You swirled your straw around your glass. “I’m glad you decided to come with me, though.” You said offhandedly.

“Why did you decide to bring me here?” Nora didn’t mean for her voice to sound all nervous. She would roll with the punches.

“Hmm. I already told you earlier that I wanted to thank you for putting up with me.” You took another sip and stuck your tongue out a bit. “But also, and forgive me if I seem rude but, I thought this would relax you.” Nora raised an eyebrow. “You always seem so…pent up. Like a stiff. I just noticed that you might need some sort of release or something, Captain. That’s all.” Nora realized that you were the only one to address her as Captain after practice, and in that moment she started to feel very…different.

Was she uncomfortable?

No, Nora wouldn’t exactly describe it as that.

It was just that the heat creeping up her neck and the sudden realization that you were right and the idea of getting some sort of release, as you put it, was making her feel very, very weird.

It didn’t help that Nora’s gaze went back to your lips and eyes and hands and chest and the realization that you weren’t wearing a bra hit her again and–

Why the hell was she so focused on that? Of all the damn things to focus on? It’s not like the concept of not wearing a bra was foreign to her, she did it from time to time herself but what the fuck was so different when you did it?

Focus on something else, Nora. Focus on something else.

Like the test!

She had a game on a Saturday, and a test on a Monday.

Game on a Saturday, and a test on a Monday.

Game on Saturday, and boy were your eyes cute.

Game on Saturday, test on a Monday.

It’s not like she had a problem with it.

Game on Saturday, test on Monday.

She was fine. Nora was so fine. Nothing to worry about here.

Maybe she did need a release. A time for herself to relax.

Game Saturday, test Monday.

Oh god was she staring at you?

Game, test. Saturday, Monday.

Were you smiling at her? You look so sweet.

Monday. Saturday. Monday. Game. Test. Relax. Release. Relax. Relax. Game. Test. Saturday. Monday. Relax. Release.

Her glass was empty and you were smiling at her and UGH.

Nora stood up, her knees knocking into the booth as she did so.

“Is everything alright, Captain?” You expressed concern over her. Your eyebrows furrowed as your smile went away.

“I gotta go.” Nora managed to choke out. She reached into her back pocket for her wallet as you stared at her with confusion.

“What? Are you sure?” Nora threw $20 on the table and grabbed her bag from the floor.

“Yeah. I gotta… I gotta go…” Nora turned and sped out of the shop, leaving you alone.

She made it back to her apartment and unlocked the door with shaky hands. Abby greeted her from the couch, hair in a low ponytail instead of its usual braid.

“Hey, Nora you–“ Abby stopped herself when she finally looked at her roommate. “What’s wrong?” She turned to her and grabbed her before Nora could sped past the couch. “Come on. Around the couch you go.” Abby pulled Nora by her belt loop around the couch and made her sit down. “What’s up with you. And don’t say you have another test to study for because you’ve already studied enough.” Nora scrunched up her nose and looked away from Abby.

“There’s no such thing as too much studying.”

“Nora…” Abby’s voice was stern.

“Fine, fine… There’s this… this girl and she… she said I was a stiff and treated me to ice cream today and I can’t focus around her and also I can’t stop thinking about her and also–” Nora plopped herself face first into Abby’s lap, groaning loud enough for her roommate to hear.

“Does my Nora have a crush?” Abby teased at her, poking the back of her head. Nora sprung up.

“What! No! Of course not!” Abby didn’t believe her. “I just can’t focus around her, that’s all. And it’s frustrating me.” Nora defended herself, slumping against the couch.

“Hmm. Sounds like a crush to me.” Abby retorted, leaning her head on her hand.

Nora couldn’t have a crush! I mean, when has Nora ever had time to think about crushes? Or dating? Hell, with boys or girls!

“I don’t have time for crushes, Abby.” Nora slumped some more until she sat on the floor.

“You don’t have time for anything, Nora! All you do is work, work, work. And I know we’re in college but that doesn’t mean you have to give yourself to the seeds of capitalism just yet.” Abby kicked Nora in the thigh as a way of telling her to get off the floor.

Nora got up with a pout.

“All I’m saying, Nora,” She started, propping her feet on the coffee table, “is that maybe this could do you some good. You got to enjoy life, and you can’t enjoy it if you’re stuck hunched over a book all day.” Nora rolled her eyes before retreating to her room to take a cold shower.

The next morning, after her 4am run and a long shower, Nora got dressed for the day and sat down at her desk to study. She didn’t have any classes today, her professor for the day sending out an email to cancel class the night before. She opened the giant biology textbook that never left her desk and tried to remember where she had left off last.

I was writing notecards, she remembered as she searched her desk to find them.

Her search was interrupted by the loud ping of her cellphone. Nora chose to ignore it, thinking that it was probably just Abby trying to remind her to eat something. Her phone vibrated again and Nora rolled her eyes with a loud sigh and got up to check it out.

She walked over to her bed and picked the phone off the pillow, squinting her eyes at the sudden light hitting her face as another notification came.

“Hi, Captain!” It was you. You texted her.

Oh my god you texted her!

“I know you said only to use your number in case of emergencies but I guess this would qualify as an emergency because you kinda left in a hurry so!!!”

“Are you ok, Captain? I wanted to check up on you afterwards but I didn’t know whether you’d want me to use this number or not so I didn’t text you but I didn’t know what happened and I was getting nervous so I texted you.” God did you ramble.

“Sorry for rambling.” You sent a few seconds later. You added a crying emoji for effect.

It was then, in that moment, that Nora realized she didn’t know how to respond to you.

Why weren’t her fingers moving?

Why was she just staring at her phone with a stupid face?

Move, dammit! Move!

With a deep breath, Nora let out a big, long groan of, “ABBY!” Said friend was at her door within seconds, hair in a frenzy and protein bottle in her hands, ready to attack someone.

“Nora! Nora what is it? Is someone dying?” With wide eyes, Nora handed Abby her phone, to which Abby lowered her guard and grabbed it out of Nora’s hands. “Nora are you fucking kidding me?” Abby deadpanned after reading the messages, seeing it was only someone expressing concern over her friend and not like…cyberstalking her or some shit.

“I don’t know what to do please help me.” If Abby wasn’t so mad at her she'd tease her for her inexperience and compare her to a lamb. Abby flopped on the bed with a groan and started typing away.

“Wait, wait, wait! What are you doing?” Nora asked frantically as she tried to snatch the phone out of her hands.

“I’m replying. Duh!” She said it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“No, but Abby! What are you saying to her?” Nora whined, attempting to grab it again only to fall on Abby’s lap.

“You know, for someone who denies that this is a crush you aren’t really helping your case all that much.” She continued typing, and Nora thought that whatever she was typing would be long and embarrassing and stressful.

“Abby!” Nora dragged out her name as she tried to reach for the phone again. “Come on! I know you’re gonna put something embarrassing!” Nora gave Abby a pout and made no move to move off of her friend.

“I’m not! I swear!”

“Then read it to me!”

“What?”

“Read what you wrote to her!”

“Ugh, you’re so childish.” She said as if she wasn’t the one typing something to Nora’s…Nora’s…well…Nora’s whatever. “Hey, (y/n).” Abby paused. “Such a cute name by the way. Good choice.” She continued. “I’m fine. Thanks for checking up on me. I was wondering if we could meet up later and–” Nora started to protest, reaching up for the phone. Abby held it away from her. “And I could, hey quit that–” Abby smacked her hand away. “I could explain why I’ve been acting so weird lately, if that’s alright with you–Nooooooo.” Abby whined like a child when Nora snatched the phone away and deleted the text message. “All my hard work! Wasted! Oh the inhumanity!” Abby fell on the bed, fake fainting.

“I don’t wanna meet her.” Nora muttered as she stared at the phone with a glare.

“And why not? I told you, this is good!” Nora looked at her in disbelief. “This is good! You need a break, Nora. If you don’t slow down now next time you have time for yourself you’ll be a bag of bones!”

“Not a bag of bones…”

“Yes, a bag of bones! So you are going to take this phone, text this girl back, and you are going to talk to her or by god I will throw your planners away. And I know where you keep them. All of them.” Abby pushed the phone up to Nora’s face.

“Even the Scooby Doo one?”

“Especially the Scooby Doo one. That goes first. Now type.” With a cry and a wail about how hard Abby was making her life, Nora started texting you back, giving the phone to Abby for approval.

“Hey, (y/n).” She started typing. “Abby please don’t make me do this.” Abby didn’t budge. “I’m fine. Thank you for checking up on me. I promise I’m ok and you don’t need to worry about me–”

“Don’t put that. You're invalidating her feelings.” Abby interjected.

“…I’m happy you checked up on me. If you want I’d like to meet–”

“Abby I’m nervous! Please can’t I just go back to studying?” Abby told her no.

“…up with you again. Maybe sometime this afternoon. Or whenever you want to it doesn’t have to be today it could be tomorrow or next week or–”

“You’re stalling.” Abby warned her, already reaching for her Scooby Doo planner hidden under her mattress.

“…Is this afternoon good?” Nora closed her eyes and hit send.

You replied within a minute.

“Sure! How about around 5. I should be done with my hair around then.” You sent a bunch of emojis afterwards and Nora plopped down in the bed with a groan after she agreed.

“See? You see how good things go when you listen to me?” Abby put the almost destroyed planner back in its place and patted Nora on the head. Nora groaned even louder. “Now. I want to know what time you’re going so you can have time to look nice.” Abby added emphasis on that last part. “And I mean it. No sweatpants or oversized jackets. I want you looking nice.” Nora’s face dropped at Abby’s constrictions.

“You’re already making me suffer by going outside but now you’re making me dress nice? You’re killing me, Abby!”

“No, I’m helping you. Now hold on for a second. I need to text the group chat about this historical moment.” Nora's eyes widened as she watched Abby get up and run back to her room before she could stop her.

When 4:30 rolled around, Nora patted herself down nervously and stared at Abby with a confused face.

“Come on, Nora. You look fine.” Nora stared at herself once more, her black jeans, light blue t-shirt and black shoes seeming too…boring for this.

“I-I don’t know, Abby. Maybe I should just cancel and say I got sick. Is it too late to hit myself with something?” Nora held her purse in shaky hands.

“No! You’re doing this. Now come on.” Abby dragged her from out her room and to the living room, where their friends, Manny, Owen, and Mel were hanging out and watching tv.

“You guys! Abby’s forcing me to go outside! Help me!” Nora tried to plead as she dragged her feet on the floor.

“Hmm… I don’t see a problem with that.” Manny spoked, looking at her with amusement clear on his features.

“Yeah, Nora. Owen and I for sure thought you were going to turn into a vampire or something if you stayed inside any longer.” Mel agreed while Owen nodded his head.

“That’s not how vampirism works and you know it!” Nora planted her feet into the ground and groaned. “Owen! Hide me! Help me! Save me!” Nora pleaded as Abby pushed her along to the door.

“Sorry, Nora. My expertise is animals not humans.” He said with a shrug and put his head on Mel’s shoulder.

“Traitors! Traitors! All of you!” Abby finally got her to the door and pushed her out with a huff.

“You be back no earlier than 6. Got it?” Abby ordered. Before Nora, could protest, Abby interrupted her. “If you wanna save the Scooby Doo planner you better start walking.” Nora closed her mouth and glared at her before calling her a muscle head and walking away. She heard the chorus of bye’s and have fun’s as she walked down the hall. You both had agreed to meet up at the campus park, and as Nora walked up, she saw you sitting on the bench with a book in your hands. Nora recognized it as Pride and Prejudice, something Abby had read a thousand times.

You looked up and spotted her. With a smile, you said, “Hi, Captain!” You placed the book beside you and waved at her. You had twists in your hair, and it went down to just below your shoulders.

“Hey, (Y/n).” Nora sat down next to you and placed her hands in her lap.

“I’m glad you decided to meet up! I was really worried about you yesterday.” You tried to keep the smile on your face despite the concern present.

Nora’s face burned as she rubbed the back of her neck.

“Yeah, um, sorry about that I…um…” Nora couldn’t really explain herself in that moment.

“No need to explain yourself, Captain. I’m just glad you’re ok.” Your smile never faltered and Nora decided to smile back.

“But-But thank you! For, um, taking me to the ice cream place yesterday. I really appreciate it.” Nora didn’t know why she was stuttering so much. If the group were here they’d be laughing at her.

“No problem. I like going there a lot. Not just for the treats but…it’s calming. Gives me time to get away.” Your phone buzzed and you checked it with a frown.

“Is everything alright?” Nora felt kinda sad when your attention wasn’t on her.

“Yeah. It’s just my stupid ex.” EX? Ex as in ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend? Ex-partner? Oh my god what was Nora thinking? She didn’t have time for crushes! Let alone any time for exes or dating of feelings or–

“Hey, Captain.” Nora perked up.

“Y-Yeah?” She could run. Nora could run and hide and go back to the apartment Scooby Doo planner be DAMNED.

“You remember when I told you about getting caught up in the little things?” Nora remembered, yes. “This is one of those little things. Just relaxing in the park, or going to the ice cream parlor, or staying after practice with you.”

Wait, what? Nora must’ve misheard.

“I could never share those little things with anybody else. Not even a person I had thought I liked. But I can with you.” You turned to her with a smile, moving a stray twist from out of your face. “I’m glad I was able to show you the things that relax me. Hopefully, Captain, they can relax you too.”

“Nora.” She blurted out.

“Hmm?” You titled you head to the side.

“You can call me Nora. I-I don’t mind.” You smiled at her, and Nora started to feel her heart burst in her chest.

“Ok…Nora.” Oh.

Oh.

Nora liked you.

Holy shit. She liked you.

“I-I’m glad you thought about me so much.” Nora played with her fingers as she spoke.

“Well, Nora. How about we go see a movie? I hear there’s this new mystery movie that’s so intense that people lost their senses when they left the theater!”

Nora laughed at your giddiness.

“Sure. I’d like that.” You stood up and grabbed your book to place it in your bag. You held out your hand to Nora and she took it, although a bit hesitantly.

“Cool. Let’s go, then.”

Maybe, just maybe, Nora could learn how to handle a crush this time around.

#the last of us part 2 #Nora x reader #Nora Harris #Nora Harris x reader #black reader #tlou2 nora #Nora Harris DESERVED BETTER BLACK GIRLS RISE #This is for the black girls and gays ONLY #the last of us part ii #tlou fanfic #tlou2 #tlou2 fanfic #Abby Anderson #tlou #fluff #gay sap Nora #gaydies let’s GO #Black reader #Nora’s stressed and gay and stressed about that

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cake-in-a-tin · 4 years

Text

welcome to our mayhem

hi! Welcome to my first attempt at a text fic, idk how good it ‘tis, but let me know what you think! (lils-Lily, burgerz-Mary, queen-Marlene, wonderland gurl-Alice, dork-Dorcas)

tHe BaEs

Lils: yo dudes

Burgerz: waddup

Lils: imma add this girl who’s joining tomorrow if that’s ok - we’re old friends from like nursery

Queen: sure, is that dorcas meadowes ?

Queen: I think I’m her tour guide or some shit

Wonderland gurl: sorry I was sleeping

Wonderland gurl: what did I miss

Queen: wHaT dId I mIsS

Queen: hEaDfIrSt InTo A pOlItIcAl AbYsS

Burgerz: i been in paris meeting lotsa different ladayys

Wonderland gurl: I guess I practically missed the late eightaysss

Queen: travelled the whole wiiideee world and came back to this

Lils: pleeeeassse not again....

Lils: mar I thought you were on my side???

Queen: sorryyyyyy

Queen: I couldn’t resist it

Queen: it was perfect!

Wonderland gurl: it was indeed. I set you up fuckin perfectly u are very much welcome biatch

Burgerz: *slow claps in appreciation*

Lils: anyways imma add this girl now, she is dorcas mar and she’s lovely so be nice!

Lils added Dork

Lils: welcome to our mayhem love

Dork: hii

Lils: shall we all like introduce ourselves?

Queen: k, I’m first

Queen: hello, I am Marlene McKinnon, and I’m your stupid tour guide thing that Dumbledore thought was a good idea

Burgerz: hi, I’m Mary MacDonald (hence the name) and I’m very bad at maths, which is also my only personality trait

Wonderland gurl: hello there, my name is Alice Fortescue (don’t try and spell it it took me almost seven years of my life) and I have a fucked up sleep schedule tm

Lils: everyone knows me uwu

Dork: okay, im Dorcas Meadowes, and I’m just a bi disaster haha

Queen: lol mood

Wonderland gurl: oh btw dorcas we are all lgbtq+ soo

Dork: okay cool

Queen: ya, I’m gay, lils is pan, mary is aroace and alice is queer

Wonderland gurl: yh I’m figuring it out but ik girls are pretty as well so :)

Dork: can relate lol

Wonderland gurl: I should probably sleep it’s school and I haven’t slept properly in like three fuckin daysss

Queen: gurrrrllllll omg u r gonna dieee tomorrow

Wonderland gurl: ik im scared and it’s only seven thirty but i will sleep like four and a half hours of that because I just watch netflix aaahh

Burgerz: just gooo Ali, otherwise u will regret everything

Wonderland gurl: k byeee bitchez

Lils: bye

Queen: bye love

Burgerz: cheerio

Dork: bye I think?

Lils: we're all a mess, u get used to it dw

Lils: also Mary can u get anymore stereotypical British omg

Burgerz: I’m sorry babe it’s in my natureeee

Queen: lol

Queen: I ghibhjfyfvbss

Dork: r u ok?

Queen: a frickin moth bro

Queen: it attacked me and I’m scared because I didn’t see where it went

Lils: I’m rooting for you love

Queen attached a video

Burgerz : omg I’m dyingggg your voicem u sound so scared

Queen: lmao I was scared for my life if I’m being honest

Dork: ahahahaha I’m laughing out loud and my cat is just looking at me like wtf is wrong with you human

Queen: u have CAT???

Burgerz: you have a cat? I must see him

Queen: lol we are on the same wavelength haha

Burgerz: ✨soulmates✨ Burgerz: but like platonically lol

Dork: here is mouse

Dork attached a photo

Queen: vvffdyujcndh

Queen: so fuckin adorable

Burgerz: I LOVE him

Lils: I’ve seen him before and I love him, but I don’t think I ever asked - why mouse?

Dork: lmao we just thought it would be ironic

Dork: also he’s never caught a mouse or anything else in his life because he’s too damn lazy

Queen: omg I relate to mouse so much lol

Dork: honestly same

Lils: dudes we should probs sleep if we want to be beautiful for school

Queen: ugh sleep is so overrated

Queen: but yeah...

Lils: bye xxx

Burgerz: adios

Dork: byeee

Queen: see yall tomorrow

Private message: Lils + Queen

Queen: yo, quick question

Lils: shoot

Queen: what does dorcas look like?

Lils: ummm idk, why?

Queen: eh no reason

Lils: she’s black, short dark brown hair, gorgeous blue eyes

Queen: so cute?

Lils: hell yeh

Queen: oh god save me

Lils: yh u will need prayers

Queen: aaaahh

Queen: well gn

Lils: night xxx

tHe BaEs

Wonderland gurl: good morning!

Queen: no it is not

Lils: I’m dyingggg cancel schools pls

Wonderland gurl: I slept fuckin amazingly last night soooo :)))))))

Dork: hjeicnefskd

Dork: I can’t

Queen: oop me neither mornings are my least favourite thing ever

Lils: uggghhhhhh

Lils: sooo jealous of Mary

Dork: why?

Wonderland gurl: she lives rlly close to school so she wakes uo super late and just walks

Dork: wow luckyyyy

Lils: ikrrrr

Queen: I want to sleep

Wonderland gurl: no! remeber what happened last time you were late?

Queen: oh god don’t remind me

Dork: do I even want to know?

Queen: nkt really lol

Queen: lily u tell it I need to shower

Lils: okayyy

Lils: get ready for a fuckin wild ride babe

Lils: so, we have this teacher called McGonagall and she’s the single most terrifying yet amazing person ever to teach us

Wonderland gurl: and that’s saying something trust me

Lils: she’s pretty chill until u do something that pisses her off. And one thing that pisses her off is people being late. Marlene was late because she couldn’t get her lazy ass out of bed, and she came into form time like ten minutes after the bell rang. as you can imagine, McGonagall was not at all pleased at this, and proceeded to give mar a lecture in front of the whole class and then give her detention for a whole week. Before school.

Wonderland gurl: Marlene looked sooo tired the whole week

Dork: wow, that is ✨brutal✨ Dork: remind me never to be late

Lils: will do x

Wonderland gurl: we have to remind Marlene every once in a while of the ‘‘incident’ to motivate her to get out of bed

Queen: I’m back dudes

Queen: so you see dorcas that is why I am never ever late anymore because that week was absolute hell I am not going through again.

Queen: ever

Dork: honestly I’m scared to meet this teacher lmao

Wonderland gurl: nah she’s actually soo nice unless you get on her bad side

Burgerz: heyyyy

Lils: maryyyy

Dork: hello!

Burgerz: so, everyone ready for school?

Queen: pretty much, I’m on the train rn

Lils: same, I’m opposite her

Dork: oooh I am also travelling by train I will try to find u guys

Queen: we are right at the end, if I see you I will scream ‘cheese’ as loud as I can

Lils: noooooo please, can’t embarrassing us in public wait at least a day

Queen: nope

Dork: u don’t even know what I look like lmao

Queen: I will know

Lils attached a video file

Dork: lmao i was terrified

Queen: it worked though

Wonderland gurl: I’m so glad I get the bus and don’t have to endure this

Burgerz: wow. How are you not embarrassed Marlene?

Queen: idk, I guess I don’t care what oriole think lol

Dork: rEsPeCt

Dork: also please never again

Private message: Lils + Dork

Dork: LILY WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME MARLENE WAS ACTUALLY SO BEAUTIFUL IM DYING

Lils: lmao sorry

Private message: Lils + Queen

Queen: oh god u were right she’s so hot helppppp

Lils: I’m praying 4 u

hii! I hope that you liked this mess, I’m probably going to continue it, so yeah, let me know what you think?

#dorlene #dorcas x marlene #marlene x dorcas #marlene mckinnon #dorcas meadowes #lily evans #mary macdonald #Alice fortescue #text fic #high school au #crazy #i have not clue what happened honestly #hope you liked it tho

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letstalksymphogear · 5 years

Text

Symphogear, EP.7 (Cont.)

“i have not now, nor ever, liked this creepy ass church elevator.”

“kanade please get out of my head, just because im hungry doesnt mean you have to tell me every time i am”

Hibiki finishes getting a full body X-ray. She’s fine.

“that anime protagonist immunity is really kicking in well!”

“by the way, your wife is here! and she’s looking mighty miffed., as opposed to me, mighty milfed.”

“you dont strike me as a mother figure but ill play along for now”

“i just hope miku’s okay...”

“oh, she’ll be fine! see, i’ve seen these kinds of plots before. big secret revealed, another lover is shown, the victim watches as they’re thoroughly cheated on, and they get to lik-”

“please stop breathing”

Genjuro’s wasting away again in Margaritaville. Looking for some daughter to adopt. SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT THERE’S A, WOOOOMAAAAAN TO BLAAAAAAAAAAME, BUT HE KNOWS

XYLOPHONE RIFF

THAT’S IT’S ALL HIS FAULT

XYLOPHONE RIFF

“i hate it when he gets like this. jimmy buffets not a good look for him.”

“for once you and i agree. seeing the commander sulk like this like a middle aged perma-tourist is genuinely miserable”

“hey homies! im back and i brought some bitches! oh, jesus, why does this place smell like mistakes in miami?”

“its me. im sorry. every time i feel like i failed as a dad, my anti-dad energies manifest. imagine every midlife crisis rolled up into a single ball, smacked into the face for eternity. thats the depth of my pain for failing this girl.”

In a moment of positivity, the friendship between Tsubasa and Hibiki is cemented.

> Tsubasa has joined the party.

“FRIENDSHIP!”

“fweindship.”

“uuuuhhhhh... dadship? yeah thats close enough.”

“WE’RE ALL GOOD FRIENDS!”

“ya tiddies are ringing again, better go get it”

Ryoko also points out that Hibiki’s relic is fusing with herself at an alarming rate. This is important to keep in mind.

Meanwhile, at night.

Miku is posing in the motherly “you done fucked up, where have you been young lady” position. A cold scolding is coming.

“.........................hey miku......”

“you can come in. are you worried im gonna bite? you suplexed a car. that shouldn’t be an issue anymore.”

“miku, i.... i wanted to tell you.... but.... the plot wouldn’t let me, miku....”

“should’ve told the plot to fuck off anyway. now you’re gonna live with that. you’re sleeping... on the bottom bunk.”

“b.... b..... b...... b.... b...... bottom bunk...?”

They slept separately that night. God, this is so stupid. All of this is so goddamned stupid. “I’m so mad at you even though you saved my life.” This is just so. AUGH. THIS IS DUMB. KANEKO WRITE BETTER ANGST THAT MAKES SENSE THAT ISN’T THIS.

Meanwhile, far away from this garbage...

Chris, having been evicted from Fine’s McMansion, wanders the streets of mumblemumble aimlessly. Don’t be fooled by her new fancy dress. Basically, she’s a combat-competent hobo.

“no food. no home. no victories. this sucks. whyd you do it, fine? we coulda been great together. but no. ya fired me. now i look like im prancing the red light district with a highly advanced superweapon around my neck.”

“no... hibiki’s to blame. ever since that genderbent little mac showed up to fight me, it’s been all downhill. fine thought me a laughstock because i couldnt take out her oversized boxing gloves, and now she beat me while i had nehushtan. god... i wish i never met that damn hamster faced chubby cheeked nerd.”

“wait, whats that crying”

Chris spies two kids talking to each other, one of them crying. Chris immediately makes an assumption, believing the big bro is bullying his sis.

“hey! stop nicking her lunch money, twerp”

Chris currently is a firm believer of corporeal punishment.

But the sister deflects the blow. Chris can’t even defeat children right now. Truly, this is a record low for her. You know you blew it when even kids are schooling you on basic morality. She then tells the little girl to stop crying, ironically mirroring her brother.

The infamous double T-Pose maneuver. Chris, you might as well get a shovel and start digging your own grave.

“i keep doing bad things badly, and now im doing good things badly... when fine said i was bad... did she just mean im not talented?”

Chris, finally, does a good thing and helps these kids find their parents.

“yeah. hibiki saved a kid when she got her gear. guess what? bam! im saving two! that’s fifty percent more kid per kid saved. take that, weirdo.”

The kids call her out on Chris singing unconsciously, and Chris gets flustered over it. Dawwwwww.

Chris manages to get them to safety to their Dad...

...while brutally lying about it, making Chris look like a predator. There’s a very crushing irony at play here, given who Chris used to serve.

“ugggggggggggggggghhhhhh hes not even gonna payyyyy meeeeeee why the fuck did i dooooo thiiiiiiissssss”

“hey, you know. you kids have a really nice relationship with one another. care to give me tips on how to be an empathetic human being capable of making friends?”

“maybe we’re born with it”

“maybe its maybeline”

“maybeline...”

Meanwhile...

A cold wind blows through Lydian Apartment 69-L. (I don’t actually know if that’s their room number, I just made it up.)

“jesus take the wheel, because i’m jumping out the passenger seat to save this current wreck of a relationship”

“miku please i saved your life, doesnt that count for anything”

“you already killed me the moment you lied. also im taking the bottom bunk so i dont have to see your face coming down the ladder.”

“miku you cant hide in this depression den forever. i know i hurt you and im sorry for it, but please understand i literally couldnt do it. you saw there were punches and violence and stuff... i didnt want you tied to that...”

“what was that? i cant hear your apologies over my incredibly loud snoring. SNOOOOOOORE. SNOOOOOOOORE. SNOOO- fuck, i just swallowed my spit, fuck”

“i hope this cocoon of displeasure you’ve made for yourself lets you erupt into a butterfly of acceptance so i can fly with you again.”

“......thats not fair. you cant say those beautiful metaphors and get away with it. let me be mad... sniff... let me be mad...”

Sadness wafts in the den of lies Hibiki has been forced into.

No music plays. There is only heartbreak, and woe.

In the midst of this pain...

Ryoko loredumps about how the Symphogears work and are immune to the noise on her blog, ‘hornyonmainforscience.org’, her hybrid science journal slash kink zone. It’s mostly a recap with some pretty good soft techno beats in it.

“i made a custom brew of red bull, five hour energy drink, coffee, and cream. i call it gamer girl piss.”

“damn. that’s some good piss.”

She muses about how Hibiki has managed to break the limitations of her Symphogear, making her a totally unique specimen. Wait, where have we heard this before...?

Hey... Ryoko... let’s just... cool it a bit with the Hibiki pictures... come on...

Ryoko touches upon the Custodians and the Curse of Babel. We ain’t touching that shit until later, because that’s another shitfuck box of crazy just ready to jump us in a dark alleyway to rob us of our wits.

Back to Lydian:

“miku whats the answer to the first three multiple choice questions”

“B. A. D.”

“oh, thanks. huh, BAD.”

“yeah. you are.”

“mmm. taste likes dissapointment. just like my life.”

“hey table for two haha get it cause there’s two chairs and miku for the love of god, please, forgive me”

“ive surgically removed my eyes and drew eyelashes over them with sharpie so i dont have to see your bird bangs.”

“thats very rude to both me and my hair. also, wig.”

Even Hibiki’s meal is judging her. Mainly for not eating it. Fucking look at this. God, that looks amazing. Fuck, why did I write this while I was hungry.

“miku you cant do this forever. i might die and youll end up crying on my tombstone going ‘oh god, why, oh god’, and really, i cant live with myself if that happens. mainly because id already be dead by then”

The Anime Janai crew show up to break some icebergs with a goddamn sledgehammer. As the self-aware Gods of this realm, they got very tired of this poor display of angst, and have decided to directly intervene.

Nevermind. They came for her kneecaps, and they most certainly got them.

PLEASE. I’M BEGGING YOU. END THIS GARBAGE PLOT THREAD.

“look. imma lay down the facts. yall are gay. yall are in love. yall are angry for the wrong reasons. its nobody’s fault here but the writer. so please kiss and make up. pretty please.”

“kaneko... you fool... we all know what the original sin is. its your hack writing making this stupidity in the first place. let the pencil go, asshole!”

They bring up the fact that Hibiki isn’t doing her work and wonder if she has a job on the side, which isn’t allowed by the school. Miku gets annoyed and bails, with Hibiki running after her. Unfortunately, Miku runs faster...

“oh god miku not the rooftop whatever you’re thinking just dont do it! please!”

“no. i came here to angst, since this is the Maximum Angst Zone.”

“i..... okay! okay, that’s fair! rooftops are the perfect place to look sad while getting proper air ventilation, thats fine”

It really would have been better played if it was played off that she felt hurt not because of the lie, but because she felt like she could have helped her better having known the truth, and it being a self-loathing sort of scenario for not being there better for her and not fully understanding the risk at play.

But no, instead, we get this.

youtube

Absolutely obliterated. A heart ripped, shredded, and sent to the Shadow Realm.

The episode ends on that note, but has a post credit scene.

Naked. On an old timey telephone. On a computer. Wearing stockings and long gloves.

The main antagonist of the series, everybody.

She’s talking the best English possible to some random-ass American when suddenly bursting through the scene is none other than:

“I WANT WORKERS COMPENSATION YOU BITCH, BEFORE I UNIONIZE YOUR NAKED ASS”

“AND I WANT A GOOD REFERNECE FOR MY FUTURE EMPLOYER, AND ALSO A SEVERANCE PACKAGE SINCE I’M FUCKING HOMELESS”

“i paint my eyelashes with mascara made from the tar of freshly carbonated corpses manufactured through noise, what on gods green earth compels you to think id give a rats ass about you?”

“so you never cared, huh! you’re just a nasty naked hedonist trying to- trying to- what the fuck are you even trying to do?!”

“i want to live the dream every spicy little fossil like me yearns for.”

“I WANNA FUCK GOD!”

“how- what? what? how do you even- what? are you- do you want to be the pope? is that it? does the pope get to fuck god? are you- is this a larping thing? you’ve really been into larping lately! i don’t like this!”

“youve never read the old testament, have you. ass out, pussy bare, hips up and barefoot. that’s how god’s always liked it.”

“now get lost, punk. you tipped off my hand to genjuro and now you being here is going to ruin everything. if you still feel any semblance of devotion, eat one of your own bullets and call it a day.”

“it’s 2012 bitch, if the mayans dont get you, I WILL”

“what god gives, He takes away, and so do i. i built you from the ground up. your relic, which was good for jack shit on you. the nehushtan, which you failed to do anything with except zap a couple hundred people. stop wars? you’re a walking war, waged by me, for me. and your cartridge has just run out of bullets.”

“uh oh! hand’s acting up again! better bail before i send you back to smacktown where all the bitter little shittalkers like you strut around spending their lives being useless as hell.”

“ah fuck, im not dealing with no manos: the hands of fate bullshit again”

“and guess what else i got on motherfucker”

“i see the union efforts have officially been busted. understandable, have a nice day ma’am”

“LEAVE.”

“I’M GOING, I’M GOING”

#symphogear #symphogear season 1 #anime #recap #comedy

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babyi · 5 years

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Thank U, Next: Album Review

Disclaimer: These opinions below are my own and only opinions. It’s okay not to agree with anything I will say here, this is my personal experience of the album. Also the album hasn’t been out long yet so it hasn’t had the chance to marinate yet and opinions might change in time. Y’all asked for it.

Imagine: 4/10

This is not the most interesting song on the album, but it’s chill and nice to have on. The whistles are everything and really, for me, pull the song from boring into being an interesting experimentation piece. I don’t have a lot of reasons why this would be the first song but it’s not a bad opener. I guess this song is an alright song, a little underrated and a weird choice for a single given the other singles and how much Ariana doesn’t appear to care about it. The lyrics are similarly okay, not groundbreaking but not a fuckup (except the use of ‘sleep’ instead of ‘asleep’?) and the concept is sweetly sad.

Needy: 8/10

Bop bop bop. It’s not a strong song like a big ballad or brave r&b statement but for what she is, she’s still important. The concept is everything, and it didn’t let me down which is important to me. It was the snippet that I was looking forward to and it did deliver the slow jam with a unique depreciating but honest message. The vocals aren’t stunning but she does sing and it feels really personal and heartfelt. And the babyloves instrumental at the end cinches this as a favourite of mine, it just sounds so pure and it’s a real relatable song.

NASA: 5/10

Apparently quite a controversial one, either people are loving it or ignoring it. It does have a ‘kiss me thru the phone’ vibe, but I think she’s cute. Again, not a big statement but satisfying as a basic r&b moment. The lyrics are great in this song, despite the repetitive ‘imma need spice’ chorus, the verses have some original concepts and storyline. It has a really cool alternative, almost spin-off vibe to God Is A Woman with the space parallels and some linking lyrics about ‘your orbit’. And whenever Ariana manages to have a concept that doesn’t just revolve around penis in the vag I always nut, and this song is actually about the opposite and pushing someone away which is refreshing. The song is ultimately a bit forgettable but has some redeeming qualities that make me glad it made it to the album.

Bloodline: 2/10

Nonna is a nice touch but I don’t really care about it? I don’t think about it unless it’s on. It’s good to come to a more upbeat song after the first three, and it’s catchy- with a kinda havana spanish vibe? It would have been interesting to see what would have happened if this was a single instead of Imagine, but as a 2019 song it’s almost a little outdated as music has evolved from despacito’s popularity. The lyrics are basic and something more familiar to Ariana’s usual style of vocals with some signature ‘yuh’s. I can see why people would enjoy it, and I think if it played in a club, no-one would object but for me idc.

Fake Smile: 4/10

Starting to get tired of these alternative ‘sample’ beginnings to her songs on this album. But I like the sound of the song a lot. It reminds me heavily of Lily Allen? And y’all know I don’t like unnecessary swearing which the chorus of this song has a lot of I think. It has some of greedy’s backing vocals but goes in a different direction with vibe, however the concept really puts me off. We have this ‘’my life is hard the media and rumours are hard’’ in SO MANY other Ariana songs and I am TIRED. Go talk to You Dont Know Me or IDC for those tired concepts. She really doesn’t seem to be focusing on the positivity when she’s always putting out songs like this which is a shame because I really like Lily Allen’s music.

Bad Idea: 7/10

We start out so strong with this song, and I really like it. The chorus really makes me wanna bop, it’s a good catchy song. Since someone pointed out the ‘ari-chan’ bit I’ve really not been able to unhear it which sucks. But in my opinions it’s like a better/alternative version of dw’s Bad Decisions. It’s not the most unique of concepts but I really like the climax vocal moment in it and it reminds me of breathin at that part. The orchestral part at the end confuses me a little? It doesn’t really go but doesn’t ruin it for me- I’ll always take some strings.

Make Up: 0/10

I’m not a fan. It’s another one of those trippy pharrell-esque beats with no real content and some more rap-singing. Not much to say about this one, I just don’t really like it, it’s a skip from me. Issa mood issa vibe isn’t good lyrics, it doesn’t have any good melodies or vocals that would endear it to me. The beat kinda sounds like it’s falling down the stairs slowly. I just don’t think it’s album material.

Ghostin: 10/10

Now she’s a CONCEPT. Her voice sounds heavenly and in my opinion this song has some of the best concepts and lyrics on the album. It’s a sad bop but so so needed after all Ariana has been through with her bereavement and loss. It’s so sad and sends my heart to her, she’s serenading her tears and fears to us on this song and really telling us what is going on with some of her sadder moments. It’s bittersweet and uses the concept of ‘ghosting’ as a double meaning for mac’s spirit and as the colloquial slang meaning to break up with or ignore [her current love]. It’s clever and meaningful and so good, we were blessed with the harmonies and strings on this one.

In My Head: 9/10

Doug PREACH, this is one of the only times I will praise speaking samples in music because his part of this song is so good and necessary. Doug telling Ariana ‘enough is enough’ is PEAK reliability and you get a good sense of their friendship and her life at that point in time. The song itself pops off, it takes some of the previous ‘pete’ concepts of ‘i thought you into my life’ and develops it into this idea that she actually created that version of that person and how detrimental that can be. I think we’ve all created a vision of a person in our heads before and can relate to the concept. The lyrics are good, and the melodies and vocals are good. Mostly on this one I like the concepts that arise in the lyrics. It also lyrically ties to why try with the demons and angels visuals which i cant get enough of even if ariana shits on why try. I even enjoy (and laugh at) the scoot scoot part. It’s just a good ass r&b song that I thoroughly enjoy.

7 Rings: 1/10

Listen, do I sing along to this song: Yes. Does that mean I think it’s good music? No. I dont like the concept nor the unoriginality of the verses just being a big sample from another song. I dont care about this flex, and I dont relate. Ariana is too rich and always has been so this song holds more jealousy and distaste for me. I don’t mind the ‘you like my hair?’ lyric but I do know about the controversy with that black woman who sang that lyric about weave and imo it’s a whole ass messssssss. The review of this song by itself could be a whole post but I’ll leave it with just saying I don’t like it.

Thank U, Next: 10/10

A sweetheart. Really the only pop song on the album, and just a good song. It’s a classic successful max martin song, and I like the self love addition to the lyrics. It’s finally a song that ISNT about penis in vag and I was very excited when it came out. This song is going to get overplayed soon but I’m very proud of it as her first #1, I feel like it’s real and she tried very hard with it. It’s a good concept and aside from not promoting it well, deserves more recognition for the good all-round song it is. Kinda wish the U was a You but this is Ariana so I’ll just live with it.

Break Up With Your Girlfriend, I’m Bored: 1/10

This song starts hot and a bit like an attack, which is in contrast to the likes of Bad Idea which is a softer but still strong start. My opinions on the MV aside, it’s catchy but it’s basic. This is probably the least produced song on the album imo, and is what people would expect of her probably. It’s darker and I don’t go out of my way to play it. I do like the chorus and would sing along, but it doesn’t thrill me. I think it’s kinda funny? But unfortunately the song is not meant in satire. Also the title is just too damn long.

Overall:

The album is still new to me but it has a few really redeemable songs on it. I’ve said it before but my view on it is of this album being a kinda darker side B of sweetener. I think it’s sonically cohesive as an album, only thank u next the title track really sounds different from the themes of the rest of the album. I was pleasantly surprised by the lyrics on this album, and how several of the concepts were a step away from basic fucking tracks. I dont hate it or think it’s a bad album but coupled with sweetener you can definitely see a strong move away from pop or anything ballad-y which would make any sort of good use of her voice which is a shame because she has the talent for broadway, not rap. Ariana’s career mistakes aside, it’s as good an album as I would expect to see from her at this stage and she is definitely getting more confident in sharing real parts of her life in music which is positive.

#ariana grande #thank u next #album review #should i put this under a cut?

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choco-chip-cookie · 7 years

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SugarDaddy!Cal Pt. 20 [FINALE]

A/N: Holy fuckballs you guys, it’s finally come to an end. I just want to thank everyone for all of the nice feedback and support, and definitely for sticking with me this long. This series is honestly one of the best things I’ve done in a while if I’m being honest, and I’m glad that I got to share it with you. Who knows, maybe I’ll write a sequel to this pretty soon. This chapter is honestly just one long imagine full of different fluff scenes to makeup what for what happened at the end and I’m apologizing beforehand. Also, I tagged each person in the section of their idea and thanks for the suggestions. Tysm again, and I hope you enjoy the finale💕

I swear I never noticed how many tats Calum actually had until I wrote this, good lord.

**WARNING**: SMUT

Parts: One/ Two/ Three/ Four/Five/Six/Seven/Eight/ Nine/Ten/Eleven/Twelve/Thirteen/Fourteen/Fifteen Sixteen/ Seventeen/ Eighteen/ Nineteen/ Twenty{END}

“I don’t understand why you just won’t go to the doctor.” Calum tried to persuade you for the millionth time as he held your curls away from your face and rubbed soothing circles onto the small of your back.“ You’ve been sick for what, three weeks now?”

You’ve been sick a little longer than that, but you decided to keep that to yourself.

“I’m okay.”

“No, you’re not.” He argued whilst rolling his eyes. He always found your stubbornness bitter sweet. “You’re going to see a doctor.”

“Ashiiid.” You laughed lightly, letting your boyfriend know that you found him as a joke.

*****

You sat with pouted lips and your arms folded across your chest, letting Calum know that you weren’t happy with him in this very moment. The Māori had literally drug you to the doctors office, ignoring how you screamed and fought against him like a two year old kid. Although Calum was annoyed, he couldn’t help but to find the entire situation amusing.

“You know, I’ve never seen an adult throw a tantrum.”

“Suck my dick.” You retorted and he flashed you a teasing smile.

“Only if you suck mine first.”

You smacked his chest and his hand held to your wrist, laughter bubbling up inside of him. He didn’t want to let it out due to the sickly looking people sat in the waiting room with you. It wasn’t long before someone had called your name and you sluggishly made you way back, Calum telling you that he’d come the second you asked him to. After waiting in a room alone for at least ten minutes, a doctor finally came in to greet you.

“So, Ms. Y/L/N, what seems to be the problem?” The blonde doctor who you’ve found out to be Mrs. Phillips questioned you.

You shifted slightly on the blue cushioned table, scratching your nose before answering with,“Nothing much. I’ve just been throwing up a lot the past month and I sleep a bit more. ”

“Okay, is there anything else you’ve had a problem with?”

“Um…"you rolled your eyes up to the ceiling in thought, making sure you haven’t missed anything."Maybe some light cramping, but I think it’s just because of the throwing up.”

Mrs. Phillips had began to ask you a series of medical related questions from the history of illness in your family to the first time you felt sick. After she had gotten all of the information she possibly could, she told you that a nurse would come by to draw blood and perform other test.

~ Fuck, Cal ~Is everything okay? ~No ~Are you seriously ill? ~Do you have to stay here or something? ~How sick are you? ~Calum calm down lmao, I don’t know anything yet ~ I just have to get blood drawn and I’m terrified of needles ~Oh….do you want me to come hold your hand? ~Cos I will :) ~Yes please :)

You had told him what room number you were in and within minutes Calum was by your side, waiting patiently with you for the doctor to come. The second you saw her open the package with a sterile needle, your anxiety levels spiked sky high. You can’t remember the last time you had to get blood drawn or had gotten a shot. You were raised by only going to the doctors when absolutely necessary or if it was something you couldn’t handle. A little throw up wasn’t anything worth coming here for.

“Calm down, Y/N.” Calum tried to keep his giggles at bay while you practically had climbed into his lap.“It’s not that serious.”

“Shut up.” You mumbled into his chest, inhaling his scent to calm yourself. You’d never get tired of his scent that smelled of coconut, cologne, and mint.

The nurse held out your arm and tied a band around it to prepare you to have blood drawn. She told you to sit still as she lightly tapped the crook of your elbow for your veins to become more apparent. “You ready?”

“No.”

Both the nurse and Calum chuckled and you whimpered as you felt the needle pierce through your skin, clutching onto Calum tightly.

“It’s okay, princess.” He whispered, kissing your forehead.“It’s almost over.”

Once the nurse had taken all of the blood she needed from you, she placed a bandage onto the slightly oozing spot and told you she’d be back. Calum lifted your arm to press a kiss to the bandage and you laughed lightly at your childish behavior.

“You’re sucha kid.” Calum noted and you shrugged your shoulders, holding tighter to his shirt.

God, did you hate the doctors

You had began shouting Calum’s name throughout his home the minute you were sent the screenshot of a tweet he had posted an hour ago. It was blowing up on twitter and was already trending.

“What?” He sighed out tiredly, rubbing his eyes and waiting for you to explain to him why you were interrupting his nap.

The Māori groaned when you jumped into the bed, straddling his back and leaning over him to show him your phone.

“What the hell?”

“What’s the problem?”

“Why’d you tell everyone we were together?”

“Because we are?"he replied with a "duh” tone.

“You said we were going to keep it on the down low , you ass!” You shouted at him in annoyance, reminding him of his words the night he asked you to officially be his.

“I know, but the fans kept speculating so I decided to just put it out there.”

“Calum-”

“It’s fine, babe.” He sighed, taking a few extra seconds to turn over due to your weight being placed on him. Once the boy was comfortably settled on his back, he gripped your thighs and rubbed circles onto the skin with his thumb. “They’ll love you.”

“And if they don’t?”

“Then it won’t matter cause I’ll still love you. No matter what.” He grinned and you rolled your eyes playfully, leaning down to press a sweet kiss to his lips.

“If they talk shit,Imma hop on their neck.” You told him and he laughed.

“You can’t fight them.”

“Not literally.” You snorted.“It means like..Imma basically talk shit back. ”

“Oh.” He drug out the word as you explained it.“Why is the shit you say so confusing?”

@emmiemems

“Cal, stop it.” You giggled quietly as he began to pinch your butt. You began to swat at his hand every time he’d pinch you until you finally locked your phone and sat up to give him some attention. “You wouldn’t like it if I pinched your ass, now would you?”

“Oh, shut up. You love when I play with your ass.” He grinned cheekily and you let out a laugh from the dirty thoughts coursing through your skull.

“That sounded so wrong.”

“Come here.” Calum shook his head with a light laugh as he tugged you onto his lap.

You went to straddle him and his arm went to wrap around your thick thighs, lightly placing kisses to the cleavage you had showing. Loud giggles emitted from your lips when he playfully bit your breast, your hand flying out to smack the back of his head.

“What did I do?!”

“You bit my titty!”

“You’ve never complained about biting before.” He smirked and you rolled your eyes in playful annoyance.

“You’re too much.”

“Your ass is too much.” He retorted and you smacked him once again.

The two of you laughed loudly as he turned to throw you onto the couch, but failed miserably due to you holding on tightly to his neck and bringing him down with you. Once he was able to hold himself above you properly, Calum had began pressing kisses all over your face whilst fighting off your hands that were trying to push his face away from yours. Your giggles and cries for him to stop went ignored until he finally met your lips with his and suddenly your apartment was quiet. As Calum deepened the kiss, you threw your arms over his shoulder to play with the baby curls at the nape of his neck. The kiss was hot, yet sweet and reminded you of the multiple kisses you shared with your first high school crush in his car. Calum’s hands didn’t wander, nor did your hips begin to roll against him like they usually would. You both just kissed, nothing more and nothing less. Calum couldn’t help but to smile during the kiss, enjoying moments such as these. Moments where you could be silly and intimate. Moments where you two could just enjoy kissing without the sexual acts following. Moments where he could just feel you. He suckled on your bottom lip for a second and you laughed, causing him to pull back with a grin.

“I love you, yanno that?” He questioned even though he knew the answer. He just had to let you know how much love he had for you.

“Yeah.”

There was a pause before his eyes knotted together.“You’re not going to say it back?”

“I dunno….maybe if you kiss me some more I might.”

Calum rolled his eyes at you, but leaned in to capture your lips again anyway. How could he resist?

@l8rl0ser

The door slammed against the wall, echoing through your apartment and causing you to roll your eyes at Calum’s petty anger. You quietly closed the door behind you and locked it before you began to take off your shoes.

“Calum, you’re being ridiculous.”

“How am I being ridiculous?” He rolled his eyes and spun around to see you.“You two were fucking flirting all night!”

“Nobody was flirting, we were just having a normal conversation just like everyone else.” You sighed out. You really didn’t feel like dealing with this right now.

“Yeah because smiling and being all close to Luke while having your own conversation away from the group isn’t flirting.” He scoffed and this time you rolled your eyes.

“I wasn’t flirting with him.”

“Yes the hell you were! Even Michael noticed, Y/N!”

“I’m not doing this tonight. You’re not ruining what I thought was a fun night for me.” You waved him off, walking down the hall into your living room.

“Wow.” He laughed lightly.“ So, you can start arguments with me all you want, but when I do it I get ignored.”

“Boy, bye.”

As you were getting undressed you heard Calum loudly cussing and a couple things being tossed around in your living room. You knew that he knew better than to break anything of importance to you, and your inner self was daring him to do it so you could beat his ass. Your anger had gotten worse for some reason lately and you were barely keeping it together at the moment. Just as you slid on a cute silk babydoll night gown, Calum came barging in to throw questions at you.

“Do you like him?!”

“What?” You sighed deeply, climbing into bed to show him that you’re over the argument.

“Do you like Luke?” He questioned you again, his blood boiling at the thought.“Because you can leave me and be with him if that’s the case. Do you not want to be with me?”

“No, Calum, I don’t like Luke.”

“But you don’t want to be with me?”

“Did you hear that come out of my mouth?”

“You didn’t deny it.” He spat back and you groaned.

“Oh my fuck! And you say I’m over dramatic.”

Calum cursed loudly when you turned your back to him and buried yourself underneath your duvet. He pulled them away from you so he could continue the argument. He was pissed and you weren’t about to just brush him off.

“I’m talking to you, Y/N.”

“Okay? And?”

“Why were you flirting with Luke?”

You sat up and punched the bridge of your nose in annoyance.“For the last damn time, wasn’t nobody flirting with Luke!”

“Yes you were!”

“What the fuck do you want me to tell you Calum?!” You suddenly shouted back at him, catching him off guard. He didn’t expect to actually get you to argue with him.“ That after I fucked Luke I caught feelings for him and just pushed them away to be with you?! That every time I see him my heart skips a beat and I just want to be near him and make him laugh?! That I’d rather be with Luke than you, but think it’s too late?! Huh?! Is that what you want to know?”

Calum didn’t respond to you this time as he had a million thoughts running around his head head. Unknowingly to you, every word that left your mouth was a dagger thrown to his heart. Although you didn’t mean it, Calum’s head couldn’t help but to over analyze it.

“Damn, if I wanted to be with Luke don’t you think I would’ve been left yo dumbass by now?”

“I…do you…?” Calum stumbled over his words and you rolled your eyes for the fifteenth time tonight.

“Yeah, ain’t got shit to say now, huh? Now leave me alone, I’m going to sleep.”

Calum didn’t move an inch as you got yourself comfortable underneath the covers once again. He kept thinking about the things you had just said to him, praying to God that you were just saying stuff to get a rise out of him. He wouldn’t know what to do if you actually meant it.

“Is that true?” He questioned with a timid voice.

“Is what true Calum, damn?”

“What you just said about-”

“Believe whatever the fuck you want.” You spat.“You’re just gonna argue with me about it anyway.”

With that Calum left your apartment with his heart dragging onto the floor behind him. Hours late he re-entered your apartment with gifts to apologize with. He placed the chocolate covered strawberries and the assortment of flowers onto the counter isle. The best gift of all was the oversized stuffed teddy bear that you had been begging him to buy you for weeks.

He went into your bedroom to lightly shake you awake, honestly being scared of your reaction of seeing him. When you groaned and finally peeked your eye open you let out a puff of hair.

“What?”

“I’m sorry.” He fiddled with his thumbs.“I just…I love you a lot and I don’t wanna lose you, especially to Luke.” He admitted and you sat up to rub the sleep from your eyes.“I brought you gifts.”

“You don’t have to buy me gifts every time you fuck up you know? An apology is enough most of the time.”

“I know, but it makes you smile.” He shrugged his shoulders.

You stood to go look into your living room to see what the Māori had brung you this time, a loud squeal leaving your mouth at the sight of the bear. You dropped down to your knees to sprawl yourself on it, the bear nearly engulfing your body.

“Thank you!”

“I bought strawberries too.”

“You’re the most annoying, but amazing boyfriend.” You grinned and he rolled his eyes.“ What should I name the bear?”

“Calum Jr..”

“Hell nah.” You shook your head no.

“Leroy.”

That name cause you to snort loudly and you looked up at Calum with a ridiculous expression.“Leroy, Cal? Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Aight, Leroy it is.”

You ignored Calum complaints and snuggled closer to Leroy, your body engulfed by its fur. Calum was tugging on the waistband of your panties, trying to get you to cuddle him instead of the oversized bear.

“I wanna cuddle.” Calum whined.

“I cuddle you all the time, shut up.”

“You know we have to cuddle before we go to sleep. It’s our thing.”

“Shut up.”

Calum huffed and folded his arms across his chest, a pout settling on his lips. He was seriously regretting buying you the bear the previous night. All the boy wanted to do was cuddle with you before you both fell asleep, but here he was stuck on his side of the bed cold and bored.

“Babe-”

“Go to sleep, Calum.” You interrupted and that was the final straw.

Calum took a hold of the bear’s large leg and pulled it from under you with all his strength. You were squeaking, yet laughing at the angered boy and clutching onto the bear for dear life.

“Let the stupid bear go!”

“Calum what the fuck?!” You laughed out.

Eventually you let go of the bear just as he was about to completely tug it off of the bed and smacked your lips when he tossed it to the other side of the room. Once Calum climbed back into bed he laid on top of you to keep you there, resting his head on your chest and letting out a puff of air.

“Leroy isn’t allowed in the bed.”

“You’re so damn dramatic.”

“Suck my dick.” He rolled his eyes at you and you smirked, placing a kiss to his forehead.

“Happily.”

You two laid quietly for a while, just enjoying the presence of each other and the warmth the other provided. Soon enough Calum had fallen asleep and you were close to doing so when your phone began to ring. Searching around the bed, you finally located your phone and answered.

“Hello? This is she…Mrs.Phillips, how are you? I’m good, yeah….You do? Well what do they say?”

You heart dropped as she told you your results.

“Huh? Say that one more time..Uh huh, okay one more time so I know I heard you correctly…holy fuck! Really?! But- but I’m on birth control how did…? Well, I know it’s not a hundred percent affective but..you know what okay. Thank you, bye.”

You tossed your phone to the floor as your eyes welded up with tears, staring at the wall deep in thought.

A baby? A fucking baby? I’m not ready for a baby. Fuck, is Calum ready for a baby? Oh my God my mama is gonna kill me when I tell her man. Wait……is it Luke’s? OH SHIT IT MIGHT BE LUKE’S! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

@1dcompliteme

It was nearly two in the morning when you had asked Calum,“What do your tattoos stand for?”, while tracing the outline with your fingers.

It wasn’t uncommon for you to either be at his home or yours, staying up at early hours of the morning having late night conversations. You two had even received noise complaints from your neighbors (Connor and Felix included) from laughing too loud while the world was asleep. The moon shone into your bedroom, illuminating Calum’s body and having him look like a Greek God.

“We’re gonna be up all night.” He joked and you pressed a kiss to his bare shoulder, rolling over to straddle his slim waist.

“We’ve got all the time in the world.”

“Uhh, these three letters are for each of my parents.” He held up his hand hands.“David and Joy Hood.”

It was then you had realized that Calum surprisingly didn’t talk much about his parents. You were a hundred percent sure that he loved them dearly and that they stayed in town, but he had never mentioned them to you. You decided to just leave it be and allowed him to continue on.

Pointing to the “ALIVE” tattoo on his wrist he chuckled and said,“This is a bit self explanatory. It just helps me remember that even though I go through shit in life I’m still alive and doing what I love.” Calum then pointed to the bird and said,“This one is for my sister-”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“All this time I thought it was yo first love or somethin’.” You laughed.“ I never knew you had a sister.”

“Yep, a big sister that’s a pain in my ass.” He laughed.“And you’re my first love, if you wanted to know.” He smiled sheepishly and you felt your face get hot.

“What’s the horseshoe stand for?”

“Good luck. The tallies stand for the band since that was our original logo. This tattoo is to remind me of my heritage.”

“Which is…?” You trailed, replacing his finger with yours to trace the ink of the Indian. The boy had never elaborated with you on what exactly his race was and you were sad to say that you had no idea. You never questioned it because you thought it was rude, yet you’d always wanted to know exactly what all the beautiful man was.

“My mom is Kiwi and my dad is Scottish. Kiwi’s are people from New Zealand, but I’m a descendant of the Māori tribe which is why I got this tattoo.”

“I fucking told Connor you weren’t Asian.” You mumbled to yourself and Calum shook his head at the mixup he’d forever be annoyed with. “I feel bad.”

“Because he called me Asian?”

“No.” You shook your head.“ Because I’ve known you for half a year and never even knew your heritage.”

“It’s fine."He shrugged."You know now, s'really not that big of a deal.”

He explained his other three arm tattoos to you and eventually moved on to the two placed right beneath your favorite spot: his collarbones.

“I love these.” You grinned and leaned down to press an open mouth kiss to each tat.“What are these for?”

Calum let out a content sigh as you began to suck at the skin above the Roman numerals, continuing to explain what it meant.“This is the year 2011 which is when the band first started.”

“Mmmm and this one?” You then moved on to suck a matching bruise onto the opposite side right above the feather, loving how breathy his voice had become due to you sucking at his skin.

You never really understood why the tanned boy loved receiving and giving hickeys. You trailed kisses down his toned torso, making sure to lick around his belly button before continuing down. He moaned softly when you sucked onto his hip, chuckling as you nipped at the skin after leaving a bruise.

“Tell me about your ankle tats.”

“Well the R is for a guy named Roy that I got close with over in Bali. The one about Bali is from when we vacationed there and- shit.” He groaned when you licked a stripe over the outline of him in his boxers.

“Tell me about Bali.” You requests as you pulled him from his restraints. You could feel Calum growing in your palm as you pumped him slowly.“ I’m waiting.”

“We- The boys and I and a couple of other friends went to Bali over break and- Y/N.” he whined out your name when you suckled at his tip.

“What?”

“This isn’t fair. I can’t focus.”

“Yeah, you can. Gon’ on, I’m listening.”

You waited until Calum had begun the story agin before you went down on him, stroking what you couldn’t fit in your mouth. Calum found it extremely hard to focus on talking and remembering the events that took place with you sucking him off. He could help but to get lost in the pleasure as well as get distracted by the slurping and gagging sound coming from you. His hand went to tangle itself in your unruly mane of curls and he but his lip, pausing to let out a moan and then continuing to talk. You were enjoying the sound of his voice straining, the sound of his words being cut off by a moan. Sucking Calum off had grown to be one of your favorite things to since you met him, loving how responsive he was.

“Then what happened?” You breathed out, stroking him quickly whilst you took a breather.

“Uh..uhhh Michael pushed him into the pool and-fuck.” He drug out the word when you took him down again and bobbed on him, the tip of his cock hitting your throat repeatedly.“Shit, that’s so good.”

“Mmmm, was he mad?”

“N-no, he thought it was hilarious. ” he moaned, bucking his hips up and throwing his head back in pleasure, his eyes squeezing shut

“You better not cum.”

“W-what?” Calum’s eyes widened as he looked down at your frame between his legs.“What do you mean-”

“I meant what I said.” You grinned mischievously. You had always been on the receiving end of holding back orgasms, now you wanted to show Calum how it felt.“ Tell me the rest of the story and then you can cum.”

“Y/N!”

“And if you cum before you finish, no sex for two weeks.” You threatened just to let him know you were serious.

“You can’t be serious?”

“I’m deadass.”

“Holy fuck.” He whined, arching his back slightly. He would’ve thought you’d slack up to keep him from reaching his high, but you were relentless.

Calum was speaking quickly and stumbling over his words to try to finish. He was so focused on trying to finish the story that you’d notice his slight lisp make its appearance. You decided to play nice and let him catch a break when you needed a breather a few times, edging him and making it almost torturous . You knew he was a goner the moment you began the two hand twist and suck combo, his back arching and an animalistic growl leaving his lips.

“Fuck, Y/N, I can’t. I can’t hold it!”

“Finish the story.”

“Princess, please.” Calum thighs were spasming and he felt near tears. He had never had someone edge him before, and definitely had never done it to himself. This was too much.

“I dunno…should I let you cum?”

“Please, oh fuck, please.”

“You can cum.” You permitted and seconds later he erupted with a loud moan.

Calum watched with hooded eyes as you cleaned him off and licked the remaining mess from your hand. You carefully tucked him back into his boxers and crawled up his body and pressed kisses to your lips. It took Calum a couple of moments before he finally responded to one of your kisses, pulling you down to flush to his body and panting heavily.

“God, I fucking love you.”He grinned sleepily and you snuggled close to his body.

“I love you too.”

Your leg bounced nervously as you eyed the couple who were practically glowing across from you. They were hugged into each other’s side with wide grins and it made you even more nervous to announce the news you had come about a few nights before.

“So, do we go first or do you go first?” Felix questioned and you shrugged your shoulders.

“It doesn’t matter to me.”

“Well shit, we’re going first.” Connor took a deep breath and you eyed them over the rim of your cup. The news they told you had you literally choke on your lemonade.

“Felix proposed!” Connor shouted, throwing his left hand in the air to show off the shiny diamond encrusted ring on his finger.

The two boys laughed loudly as you pat the front of your chest, yet had a smile on your face while doing so. Once you composed yourself you practically leaped off of your coffee table and into the arms of the two men you loved dearly. You were squealing in their ears about how happy you were for them and what not, pulling away to look at their elated faces.

“I’m gonna cry.” You giggled,wiping a stray tear from your cheek the minute it fell.“I’m so happy for you guys, really.”

“Girl, I was boohoo-ing like a baby when he dropped down to his knees.” Connor admitted.“Then I fucked him right after.”

“We made love if you want to put it in a nicer way.” Felix corrected with a chuckle and you sighed contently.

“I’m going to be the maid of honor right? Like, I’m gonna be mad as hell if I’m just the bridesmaid.”

“I promise you’ll be the maid of honor.” Connor held up his pinky and you wrapped yours around his with a giggle.

“Now, what did you have to tell us?” Felix questioned and took note of how your face dropped and your mood changed drastically.

You returned to your spot on the coffee table so that you can see both of their reactions to the news. You took a couple of deep breaths and closed your eyes as you said:

“I’m pregnant.”

It was quiet for a few moments before Connor squealed loudly and pulled you into his chest, crushing you with a hug. For him to not have much muscle mass, it forever shocked you with how strong he was. You could hear Felix laughing at his fiancée’s reaction, but he quickly picked up on the sounds of you sniffling.

“It’s okay, Y/N.” Felix reassured.“I’m sure Calum will be elated, especially since you’re actually in a relationship now.”

“Yeah.” Connor agreed.“And even if he’s not I’m sure he’s going to help you raise the baby.”

“You don’t understand.” You cried, wiping your tears roughly.

“Don’t understand what?”

“I slept with Luke and then slept with Calum a week later.” You admitted and their eyes widened as they now fully understood the point you were trying to make.

“Well who’s is it?” Connor asked and you looked at him with tear filled, sorrowful eyes.

“I don’t know.”

THE END ;)

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soldierwinterthe · 7 years

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Imma change your life (Part Two)

Summary: You are Stiles’ sister, and Laura Hale’s friend. When she disappears, her brother Derek back to Beacon Hills. Things will never be the same again.

Pairing: Derek Hale x Reader

Characters: Reader, Derek Hale, Stiles Stilinski, Scott McCall

Words Count: 3706

Feedback is always appreciated.

Part One

It is a few days now that we know: Peter Hale is the Alpha. After Derek told me to run, I haven’t seen him. I was afraid that Peter had killed him, and instead he is... his side.

I don’t understand; I thought that he wanted to find the Alpha, and kill him. But he lied to all of us. Now is the shoulder of his uncle. The latter also had the courage to go to Scott, to convince him to join his pack. He told him about how he would become stronger, and how he would help with self-control. Obviously, Scott replied that he would never have joined a murderess, and Peter explained to him the reason for the deaths. Every person who killed, were involved in the fire that occurred in his family home. Now his ultimate goal is to kill the one who set fire. And Derek? How you can follow him like a dog? He killed Laura, for god's sake! What shall say Peter, to convince him otherwise?

I tried in every way to contact him, I called him on his cell phone, I sent several messages. But nothing. For days I haven’t heard from him, and despite everything, I'm afraid he's in trouble. Perhaps Peter didn’t believe him, but it is threatened in some way, perhaps he caused him hurt.

Cast away these horrible thoughts. Derek is fine, and soon I will be able to find him.

Stiles and Scott, trying to stay as 'normal' as possible; They are just kids, and have to go on with their lives. Tonight there will be a prom, and they are determined to go there, even if I have a bad feeling. Scott obviously goes with Allison, while Style managed to invite Lydia, the most popular girl, and of which it’s in love for years.

I, despite not being a student, I decided that I also attend the prom, to keep the situation under control.

After buying something to wear to the dance, I come home to prepare. When we are all ready, me and Stiles go up on Jeep, and we go to school.

The gym is completely full, students dancing to the rhythm of music, and other joking.

I look around, when I see Scott, together with Allison. I go to them, and greet them.

"Allison, everything is alright?" I ask the girl. She looks deep in thought, worried look. Scott moves away from us and goes to the table of drinks, to get something to drink.

"Yes..."

"It doesn’t seem. Tell me, what's wrong?"

Allison looks around, as if afraid that someone is watching, then grabs my arm and pulls me away from the crowd.

"What I'm about to tell you must not tell anyone. Even I still believe..."

I nod, and I expect her to tell me what scares her so much.

"My aunt Kate... told me strange things. And..."

"And..."

Allison takes a deep breath, and began to walk back and forth. I am supporting my hands on his shoulders, and stopped in front of me, asking her to tell me everything he knows.

"My aunt... has tied Derek Hale, in a secret place... in the woods."

I remain speechless after listening to what she said Allison. In all this time I thought Derek was with Peter, and instead.. Kate Argent kidnapped him.

That's why I couldn’t track him, why he didn’t answer my calls. I ask quickly Allison where exactly is Derek, and although reluctant, she tells me. I ask her to say anything to anyone, then I go out quickly from the gym, heading in the school parking lot. I walk over to the Stiles’ Jeep, when not far away, near the other cars, I see a black Camaro: Derek's car. It must have been there for days, and no one noticed anything.

Until now. I enter quickly into Derek's car, and when I find the keys, I put in motion, and I zip away, to the place that pointed me Allison.

I put about ten minutes to arrive. I stop the car in the middle of nowhere, and after finding the secret passage has mentioned me Allison, I enter in a corridor almost completely dark, until I find myself in front of a huge metal door, I immediately widened.

I enter into a semi-dark room, lit by a few lighthouses in the corners. Then I see him; in front of me, Derek, tied to a machine to electroshock without forces. Kate must have tortured him until he fainted.

I approach slowly to her helpless body, I will overflow your face gently, and I begin to remove from his chest the machine wire.

"Y/n?"

I look up, and my eyes meet those tired of Derek; I untied his hands from the chains, and wrap his arm around my shoulder, to make sure he doesn’t fall. We drag both out of that horrible place, and we get to the car.

One of the abilities of the werewolves is the instantaneous healing, and fortunately for Derek works great. In a few minutes, he gets up from the seat of the car and looks at me, completely healed.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

I smile.

"It's the second time you ask me if I'm all right, when you were injured until a few minutes ago."

Derek smiles back, and then pulls me into his arms. I was so worried about him these days, and now he's here with me. Safe and sound. Half naked.

Our eyes meet again, and slowly approach our lips, but something stops us. A noise in the trees attracts our attention, and suddenly we see tick two people from the darkness of the woods.

Kate Argent, and Allison. When Kate sees us, pointing us the shotgun from his hands, and instinctively, Derek is positioned in front of me, using his body as a shield. A few seconds, and I find the Derek hand squeezing mine, running away from Kate, until we quickly at the Hale home. We enter, and hide in one of the rooms on the upper floor.

I get close to a window, and I see Kate look forward to the arrival of someone; or something.

I remain surprised when I check out from behind the trees Scott and my brother Stiles... with the Alpha after them. The fear invades my body and without thinking twice, I headed out of the room; Derek comes over to me and stops me.

"Derek, let me."

"It's dangerous out there; I want you to stay here."

"Out there, there's my brother!" I scream against Derek, pushing him away.

I head quickly downstairs, and I go out running toward Stiles. I scream his name to get his attention, and when I'm around him, push him behind a tree.

"What the hell are you doing here? It's dangerous!"

"Y/n! Peter... he has bitten Lydia! He forced me to find out where he was Derek."

In the distance I hear the roars; I turn and see Scott, fight against Peter; after seriously wounded Scott, the Alpha laying attention on Kate Argent; he goes over to her, and clasps his hands to neck.

"You... it was you, started the fire that night! And now you will pay!" yells Peter to Kate gripped by fear. After that, he rips the throat of her, killing her instantly. Peter turns to Allison this time, and instinctively I’m throwing in her direction, and I position it in front of Allison. Peter slings on me, and I fall to the ground, with him trying to hit him.

"I killed my own niece to become an Alpha. I don’t let anyone take it away!"

I feel a sudden pain in my shoulder, and then Peter lifts me up, and throw me away from him. The pain is so strong, that I can’t stay awake. The eyelids close, and I faint.

When I wake up, I'm lying on my bed, in my room. I look around, trying to remember what happened. I was in the woods, Peter was attacking me, and Stiles..

"Stiles!"

"He is fine." Whispered a familiar voice. In the darkness of my room, I see two eyes shine bright red. The eyes of an Alpha. I get up quickly from the bed, gripped by fear, but when the person approaches me in the darkness, the moonlight reflected on his face, and I recognize him.

"Derek?"

Derek comes close to me and touches my face with his fingers. I look at him in the eye. Peter Hale is dead, and it was Derek to kill him. Why did he kill him? I thought I should do it Scott. Derek had told him that if he killed who had bitten him, he would come back human.

"Because Peter was not killed by Scott? You promised. "I say I left a step away from him. He lied all this time; Scott trusted him, and even I trusted him. And instead...

"Y/n.."

"Go away, Derek."

I turn back and I approach the window, I open it, and I expect Derek to go away.

"What have you on the shoulder?" Asks me, taking me by the arm. A sharp pain invades my arm, up to the shoulder. I pull my arm away from the grasp of Derek, and I look at him again.

"Go away!" I scream at him.

Without another word, in the blink of an eye, Derek has disappeared, leaving me all alone in my room.

I feel strange. Confused. I go out of my room, and I'm closer to that of my brother. Peek inside without making too much noise, and he is there. My Stiles, sleeping blessed in his bed.

I close the door, and returned to my room, on my way to the bathroom, to take a hot shower.

The warmth of the water invades my body just touches it, and while I wash, I think about all that has happened in recent weeks. Beacon Hills seemed a safe place, no 'supernatural problems'. And now the best friend of my brother's a werewolf. The hunters, the Argent, hunt any wolf in the city; including Derek.

I think of him, to all that we spent together; He saved me more than once, and I have saved him. I remember that time in my room, before discovering that Peter was the Alpha; our mouths moving in unison. Her body close to mine...

I trusted him; I was convinced that he wanted to help us, he wanted to help Scott. But selfishly thought only of himself, he killed Peter only to become the Alpha. I close my eyes, trying to overcome the final months of my mind, for at least five minutes, when the shoulder pain again makes itself felt. Getting stronger, almost like can not breathe. I get out of the shower, and I approach the mirror to check the point that it hurts, and I stop breathing. On the shoulder, small holes covering my skin, to form a clear sign.

A bite.

"Hey Y/n... Y/n!"

Stiles’ voice brings me back to reality; I was absorbed in my thoughts for so long that I don’t make me almost realize how much time has passed.

It spent about a week since everything is back to 'normal'. And to normalcy it means that no Peter Hale is killing someone. Scott is still a werewolf who tries to keep everything under control, and he comes up with Allison Argent... secretly to her father. Well, some at least they try.

And me? I'm a werewolf. When others have discovered.. Well, I have 'accepted'. Peter Hale has bitten me the night of his death, before Derek kills him. And things can’t change. It’s not easy, not at all. Now I understand exactly what Scott meant about the control. I feel so constantly... angry. With the entire world. I try to stay calm, but anything bothers me, I feel like.. I wanted to hurt someone.

In a few days the moon is full, my first full moon, and I'm afraid. Afraid that if I lose control, I will hurt somebody. Maybe someone I know, maybe my brother. I cast away this thought out of my head; think about this kind of thing doesn’t help.

"Stiles... what do you need?"

"We have a problem."

Problem. Only one?

"What happens?"

Behind my brother, there's Scott, exchanging a look of concern with Stiles.

Troubles coming.

"You have to talk... to Derek."

Only to hear his name, I feel the throb angry in my veins.

"No." I say, getting up from my chair near the desk. I head to the door, and I open, inviting the boys to come out.

"Y/n, please! He's turning guys. And maybe if you talk to him... he’ll listen to you."

Derek is forming a pack all its own; I should have known. He once told me that the Alpha, to be even stronger, should have some Beta to his 'control'. At least three.

I have not seen Derek since that evening, when I sent him away. He doesn’t know that I'm a... or maybe he knows, but he doesn’t care.

I'm mad... at myself. I should listen to him, maybe. Instead I kicked it without thinking twice. He could help me after my transformation, but I was afraid to go to him, after having treated that way. I don’t know if I'm still angry with him; and he is angry with me for how I acted with him?

"Y/n, you can get him to stop. He has already turned two guys, for now. Just one more."

I take a deep breath. Review after all this time Derek. It will need a good dose of calm... if I could find it somewhere inside me.

After a long shower, I get dressed, and go into the woods. Scott warned me that Derek is no longer located in his old home, but in a sort of abandoned railway station. More I approach it the more I feel my legs shaking from.., fear? Anger? I don’t know even more what I really feel. Since I turned, the sounds, the view, the touch... all amplified. And the emotions are so strong that blend with each other, and I feel so confused sometimes.

When I enter the tunnel of the station, I go down the stairs, and I see some of the train cars still on the rails. Sharp ears, and I hear a beat, calm, rested. I hear footsteps coming towards me, and I see him. Derek, who comes from one of the wagons, surprised to see me.

"Y/n?”

He takes a few steps towards me, while I step back.

"What are you doing here?" He asks me, a few meters away from me.

"I heard that you go around biting people." I say, looking him straight in the eye.

Derek takes a deep breath, and makes another step toward me. This time I don’t move.

"It's not me that I transform them; they ask me."

"Sure, I guess what you tell them to convince them. The bite is a gift, makes you stronger, not weaker, and all that shit; but you also said that there are hunters scattered around the city, ready to kill them? They may lose control and get angry so much... to kill someone?"

I give the back to Derek, and I breathe deeply; I'm losing control, and I must calm down. I don’t want Derek thinks it’s weak. I feel him closer and closer to me, until I feel his body touching mine. I close my eyes; despite everything, I missed him by my side.

"You're different."

You don’t know how much.

"Don’t change topic."

Derek is even closer, and a chill goes through my spine when I hear his lips touching my ear.

"I smell a new wolf from a distance. Did you think I had not noticed?" he whispers in my ear, and I feel his fingers form small imaginary circles on my arm.

"Don’t turn nobody else..." I say in that moment of ecstasy. I try not to forget why I went to him, but more holds me to him, and I feel the need to lure him to me, feel his lips on mine.

"Join the pack."

I hear again emerge anger, and turning around, I look at him straight in the eye.

"I may be a wolf, but I will not be your doggie."

I push him away from me, but when I try to leave, he appears before me, clasping his hands around her waist.

"Derek, let me."

"The last time I let you go, my uncle jumped on top of you. And now see what you are."

I try to find the words to reply, but I don’t find. He’s right; if I had listened to him and I would have stayed in the house, now I'd still be human. But what could I do? There was my brother out there in danger, and I couldn’t leave him alone.

"I can help you, Y/n."

I do some deep breaths, and I walk away from Derek. I hate the fact that I can’t control myself, and I hate that Derek knows. And even more, I hate the fact that the only thing, the only person to I think to calm... is Derek. I should be furious with him, and instead... I just want to kiss him.

And that's what I do. Our mouths collided and begin to move passionately.

What a stupid, even frigate from that pretty face. But how can I do if I can’t resist?

Derek attracts me more and more to him, up to shake my hips in his strong arms. But again we are interrupted by voices behind us.

"Derek?"

This time doesn’t push him away, contrary, I hope it is only imagined me that a female voice has called him, but it’s not so. Slowly I walk away, and still clinging to him, we look into the eyes.

"Always to interrupt us at the wrong time, huh?"

I smile shyly; I feel all the anger, the fear of the full moon... it's all disappeared as soon as I touched his lips with mine.

We both turn toward the voice that made Derek's name, and at the entrance of the railway, I see two guys, they will have the age of my brother. Must be the guys who have transformed Derek. After a few seconds the stairs before I fell, goes down another guy. I look at him first, and then I look at Derek. It was useless to ask him not to turn anymore; He had already done so.

Now, the Alpha has its own pack.

Still, I don’t know whether to go to Derek it was good or bad. Ask him to stop biting people has been somewhat pointless, and that kiss... I can’t not think about it. I wanted to never leave it. I was at peace with myself at that moment, I couldn’t feel anger, and fear.

Right now the concern is rising again; in a few hours the moon is full, and I literally don’t know what to do. I look at the bag that my brother has hidden under my bed: it’s full of chains, the same as Stiles wanted to use with Scott. But chains can keep me locked long enough? Without thinking too much, I take the bag, and go down to the floor below, where there are Scott and Stiles, waiting for me.

"There is a boathouse, in the woods. There, no one will find.” says Scott looked at me with a look of 'I understand how you feel'.

We put about a quarter of an hour to arrive. Missing just over an hour to the full moon, and in the meantime, I and the guys prepare the chains, for me and for Scott.

"Stiles, if something happens, if I or Scott we can take off our chains... I want you to run away." I say to my brother. I hate the fact that he wants to remain to help us, but it's still human, and I don’t want that my biggest fear, to hurt him, happens.

When everything is ready, Stiles binds before Scott, and then me. The chains seem resistant. They must be.

More minutes pass, more I feel I'm losing control. The canines are beginning to leak out from my lips, and eyes change color; even if it’s completely dark room where we are, I can see Scott feels the same pain that I feel, trying to remain calm. My brother, however, perched in a corner of the room.

"Stiles... go away."

"Y/n..."

"Stiles, I told you to leave!" I scream against my brother. I can’t help myself, and I start to scream. Strong growls rise from my throat, and out of my lips. Out of control, I try to break the chains with which they are linked; suddenly, I see Scott free from the chains, and go to Stiles.

"Stiles, run!"

Not have it be told twice, Stiles gets up and comes out of the shed, running away into the woods. I pull on the chains as hard as possible to free myself, to go to Scott and away from my brother; I feel that my priority now is to save Stiles.

The chains are too strong, and I can’t break them, but suddenly, I hear the verses of fighting in the distance. A loud roar to a few meters of the shed attracts my attention.

Please, not Stiles. Not my brother. I pray to myself that Scott didn’t hurt Stiles, when I see the shadow of someone coming towards me, with Scott unconscious on his shoulders.

"Y/n?" A familiar voice calling me. Derek poses Scott in the corner, and comes toward me. I draw to me and hug him. That small gesture is enough for me to calm me.

"Stiles is..."

"He's fine, hidden in his Jeep."

I smile... Derek approaches his hand to my cheek, and my eyes meet his.

"Everything will be fine. Now I'm here with you."

If you want to be tagged in my stories, just ask me!

#derek hale #teen wolf #tw #derek hale imagine #derek hale x reader #derek x reader #imagine derek hale #teen wolf imagine #imagine teen wolf #reader x derek hale #derek hale fanfiction #teenwolf fanfic #teenwolf fanfiction

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trippz2ill2ace8itout · 4 years

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🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙||HOPE #3; ||You Know My Name, Not My Story||🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙

PART THREEE, FACEBOOK IM NOT A HARM TO MYSELF OR OTHERS THIS IS IN MY PAST XX TRIGGER WARNING XX 💚💚🔥🥀🦋A Lil Deeper Into My Demons Life; *Johnny "JJ" Garcia; about the visions he basically comes at night funny how "at night" is when i act out anyways, "johnny" did some huge damage to me and made me do damage to others, but mostly me, he abused me, made me breakdown millions of times made me violent with crazy ass visions of different shit, its like living in a horror movie.coming after me i tried to kill him but he never dies he said "pull the red wire" which one do i pull theres to many i hate when he "possesses" me when he comes after me even in my dreams he still makes me violent sometimes but less cuz im getting treatment. "you gotta nice autograph picture, one for you and one for yo sister" at my group home "JJ" hassnt seen me (except for once i was outside trying to kill me or hurt myself, i threw rocks at the car that Johnny was running over my mom with in the vision, she ran she ran and i almost went AWOL but i didn't) *Elizabeth "Liz" Ramos; ~The Night You Left, Turning Sara Into Elizabeth Ramos~ MY STORYxccc Written In 9/6/12 I was screaming, panting, searching, all over, so this is my story, so i was @ Preston's open house, right? and he got mad at me and tried to punch me so i punched him then i ran round the blocks screaming for you when people walked by i threatened them i was insane dark posessed, i stole a pack of cigarretes and some blue pills and Esctasy the cops (there were about 7 or 8 cars) chasing me but i was to fast finally i got thrown in my moms car i went home lockled in my room going crazy cutting till i was bleeding and beaten and bruised, trashing my room, destroying everything, graffiting on myself and the walls writing "666" everywhere. ranting on satanistic shit, listening to death metal, finally Johnny took full control and possessed me i busted the door down trashed the house i punched my mom and myself the officer in our house i stole a pill bottle and chased my family around ranting on and on i busted the front door open my mom tackled me to the ground i got out of her grip i ran into the dark going cxrazy going mad trying to die with Johnny chasing me and abusing me, after about 5 minutes they tackled me to the ground i went to the car destroying the glass all my personalities came out, i got more posessed than before i realized it wasnt you Cynthia sang to me and i knew it wasnt you it was your father, Presly Garcia, i know you would leave me i knew you would fuck up. *Johnny "JJ" Garcia; ~Lisxten Upx~ MY STORY.cc EMPTY.TO.EMPTY (WRITTEN AT RESIDENTAL TREATMENT CENTER) This is how I feel, i know you don't have the power to kill my mom you showed me that she burned in a fire well fuck off Johnny are you real? NO YOUR NOT FUCKING REAL. MAKE ME A PERSON OF DARKNESS, my depression digs deep Johnny no Johnny STOP MAKE IT STOP HELP ME HELP ME STOP IT NO GO AWAY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? but you can't kill mommy please dont take me to the ends. i don't know about you, but im done. this is how i feel, i feel lonely, and shattered, don't know where to go, what to do, im just done, i don't care about me, i hate me. I HATE ME. the new me isn't like the old me, the new me has lost herself inside and outside, mentally and physically, im lost inside a big dark hole of lonleyness, depression, sorrow, hurt, blind, numb, fucked up, mental, ill, scared, paranoid, crazy, done... If i leave i know, that you would be laughing you wouldnt cry JUST FUCKING WATCH ME SUFFER ABUSE MYSELF TO DEATH AND YOULL LAUGH YOUD BE HAPPY. and as i say goodbye, noone will here me. shit. worthless. lonely, nothing. wasted. IM FUCKING DONE! LET ME GO GET OFF ME IM DONE!!! its all clashing down nowhere to hide, trapped inside, wanting to die, wanting to cry, burst, break, can't breathe, its all inside, i have to get out before everyone comes down, i'm sorry to you all for making your life misrable. Something in my brain is missing or snapped, i can't reconize myself, im going dark, nothings helping im getting crazier, getting worse, its taking control of me its killing me, all over, its not normal, its killing me all over, im blind, im stuck, about to break, a chemical embalance, im different. my hallucinations make NO SENSE IM NOBODY WHO AM I I DONT KNOW WHO I AM. im losing my mind idk who i am its the end, wait stop talking, there coming in suits killing me, why arent i normal? whats going on? laugh laugh feeling intoxicated mental retardation out of it delusional fuck man im losing it, im going insane, idk who i am, help me, lost 40 lbs idk who i am real bad hallucinations, try to kill myself, my amazing friend Oscar prayed with me, cared, comforted me, helped me, he saved me brought me to God. I WANT DADDY. WHATS GOING ON? repeated phrases over and over in my head in my mind its broken, IM SCARED, "circles and squares for people who cares" i wanted to die, stayed up all night in the hospital bed, for 20 FUCKING HOURS. nothing makes sense.... BAD.EPISODE.SCREAMING. there after me, i dont know whats going on whats happened to me, ive changed for the worse NO NOT THE CHANGE. idk whats real and whats not, im not in reality, im in a dream can't wake up WHEN WILL I WAKE UP? my life is crumbling, Johnny is becoming real, bad anxiety, mom called 911 WENT TO ETS MENTAL HOSPITAL, CUZ I WENT CRAZY, THEY TOOK ME AWAY DONT TAKE ME AWAY WHY DID YOU TAKE ME AWAY??? IM JUST DONE AND OVER... bye :( *Good Daddy/Bad Daddy; So this is how it all started, so on 3/18/14, Tuesday, i tried to commit suicide, the night before i pulled an allnighter with my iPod, and pulling allnighters effects my medication, i was hearing my dads voice talking to me, saying, "im coming back" "no your not you little bitch so shut the fuck up" "im coming back nomatter if i like it or not" the next day at school i went AWA around campus. i was already pissed and triggered, i missing my dad, so i told my teacher and i went AWOL twice, the 1st time i ran i tried to jump in front of a car and my staff saw me and the OGI van was already chasing me, i refused to get in the van, they took me back to the school, i got out and went AWOL again, try kill myself, the van chased me, i fought to get in and this time the staff escorted me to the residential dorm quiet room, i got in 6 restraints 4 escorts, i selfharmed with my nails and i was damaging property. i had a whole bunch of people talk to me i screamed "i wanna go home" everywhere, i started hearing and seeing things, i didnt go home i went to ETS mental hospital, in an ambulance, all this shit happened cuz i was being unsafe, now i learned my lesson. *NXSP; ~Underestimated~ My Storryyxx 8/12/14 Sometimes, its not what it seems, its not reality, could cry and hurt myself for hours not sleep pull allnighters one day after another im bloodshot my brain is sufficating you can see all the hurt and pain in my eyes, im scared, wanting to die, take my family with me, im just so messed up, im done with this shit the mentalness the non functionality the disorders, im tired of me, im tired of life, im tired of everything. im just, darkness. ON 8/7/2012 In progress... okay its now 5:02 P.M, Johnny's awake again, ready to start raising hell, hes in process or "processing" hes adapting, ready to posess me, imma take off the motion detector im FUCKING BLOODSHOT READY TO FACE DEATH IM TO UNSTABLE IM TO DANGEROUS. and the wires, well white wires, trying to break free out the locked doors , so sweet, the dectectors on the doors the wires on the walls, the blood on the ceiling, the dreams that crash my mind MAKE ME FUCKING BLIND. myself broken to peices, 2:00 AM still up slaving myself, about to go out on myself, wanting to hang, but its just a thought, an addicting thought, the pain and suffering theres no end to the feeling, im down. almost about to become someone else, the transfering starts as i transform into someone dark, a dark shadow waiting to come out and kill the light, as the blood drips down me, on everything, my wrists, so silent, then i scream, cuz im bloodshot, eyes you can barely see nomore, cuz there full of blood, clear for water, the wires falling down, and strangle herself, now its 5:00 am, still awake ready to start it all over again. xx {.} isnt it funny? its like im a completly different person, no touch with reality, yes i do agree ive changed for the worst, mental in the head, my brain doesnt function right, and im different, im not normal stanger to myself its like im a complete stranger... mentally unstable, physco, not normal, im so ill, like im a complete stranger FUCK IT MAN. to crazy for normalcy NO FUNCTIONALITY THE PERFECT FUCK MY LIFE. insanity insane ive dissapointed all of them WHO AM I? nothing.. to bad for me, haha isn't it funny??? "Ms Function or KnoqoutToCrazyyes.no.or.maybe." *Flyerway; (POEM BY ME ALISA MONEE ALVAREZ/SARA BERGER) ""Have you heard the news lately, i was born to be dead, meant to be someone, but now imma noone, so now i blaqout, see you later, well maybe... Open your eyes, see yourself cry, die, break, and fade away, heartless and cold, stone cold, broken and empty, noone else knows, the pain that unfolds, the dark side of your mind, mental and lonely, how come you never told me? some reason or excuse, to keep me from me, is it because im to crazy or im sick in the head? all those stories you told me, when i was a baby, something changed right inside me, then i grew up for noone, had no love and acception, then i became different, to crazy to function, my brain is defunctioned, im old and unstable, but i am not able, to pay back the life i was grown to, crazy and physco, noone to hold me, sing rock'a'bye'baby. I guess i was born crazy, mentally ill, built a wall i cant break down, these chains tied right on me, broken and knoqued out, have you heard me lately? i am noone BUT IM BECOMING A SOMEONE I FOUND MYSELF AGAIN, THROUGH GOD, HE SAVED ME, IM READY TO BE HEALED TO BE RECOVERED END THE DARKNESS, GET BETTER, END TREATMENT, IM FUCKING READY YOU BITCHES CANT STOP ME, Im not gonna lose it all, go all out, make stupid ass choices, no dangerous stuff, imma maske the right choice I LOVE YOU GOD, THANK YOU@!!!!!"" POEM BY ME. THE END. *Johnny "JJ" Garcia/The Ends/Erin Ramos; ~Break In The Dark, Molero Fever~ Myy Storii xc :3 8/7/2012 "JJ"s awoken from his sleep, Putting Liz and brother's fire out, tonight ...Hes awake, hes awake,please save me, i cant control him anymore, i cant fight him anymore, not even for you, please mom come and save me, make him dissapear so i can see the stars again, Johnny, are you wake? are you ready to raise hell? i knew youd come back, are you gonna just stand there or are you gonna try to take over me, no no no dont touch me, to many people to much noise to much sound, no shut up, rock back and fourth, no mom please fly here tonight and save me, please no no no dont die Preston, are you really in the hospital? no hes not bleeding, open your eyes, JJ do you copy? send Preston to The Ends, the end of WHAT? no Johnny let me go, PLEASE LET ME GO, is that him? no no no no no no NOOOOOO lET GO OF ME. don't touch me DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME GET THE FUCK OFF ME. hes not dead, he cant be, im bleeding, Johnny stop not there, no i need you mom, no Johnny, no Johnny your not me, your a liar, NO IM NOT NOW HOLD STILL, IM GONNA KILL YOU, NO JOHNNY, PRESTON, MOMMY, hes now awake, processing, Johnny to Constance, send em all to The Ends, put there fire out, NOW, I SAID NOW BITCH... *Constance McMann; Saturday, 2:28 pm, Auguest 18th, 2012, Constance i need to ask you something. Dear Constance, i know how hard you worked to take care of me, but i still cant be here, alone, in this spot, sure i call you and i ask if theres a way to escape "JJ" but your answers always the same, "pull the red wire" but i dont know where it is, so please tell me, i love mom i really do, i cant choose between my real mom, and you Constance, your my sister, i call you my mom, but YOUR NOT MY FUCKING MOM. Liz Ramos, OUT... Thursday, 7:29 pm, Augest 23rd, 2012, and in the dark, he must remain. *NXSP/Erin Ramos/Liz Ramos; Things Erin did wrong... 1. told JJ about the red wire, 2. mentioned "the thing", 3. told JJ "L"s number, 4. pulled up a knife to Preston, 5. told JJ that Lisa is "L". Aye, call JJ back @2:30, call mama, to pull it all out, the numbers of "US" make the dreams harder, follow the red wire to kill it all, all the Garcias all the McManns, i thought i was outta sight, but im back on, calling Lisa 60 times a day until he kills, i dont know who, but it all means something, Lorene, i thought the socket was already electrified, i shaked and shaked, now look where i am, look where Preston is, sick as hell in the hospital bed, stop calling Lisa, im asking you Johnny, im not, im not, IM NOT break out with the green wire, i know you can, what about late night? i made a contract for the program, now JJ put me on level drop, 4RF, bitch, now I...I...shit here he comes, calling me, OH SHIT. -.- This is a blog i wrote when i was at my level 14 residential treatment center. Tuesday, 6:51 pm, Augest 21, 2012 LIFE OUTTA JOHNNYS SIGHT, WHO FUCKING TOLD YOU, I TOLD YOU SO... why JJ did you open up a new story on us, not willing to even notify me, ive been in the program for 4 fucking years, and you never mentioned "The Thing" to me, im one of you guys, i had sight put on me, and now you want me to uninstall it? JJ get it thru your damn head that im a part of "US" im not going to The Ends i know hes in the hospital. you told me he was sick, i thought you were a liar, but i know its for real this time. the outsiders think your nothing but a freak, unexsistable, fake, but i know your real, i dont want to get a new master, im out of sight, forever, this is me Elizabeth Ramos..... oh my fucking god Erin, can't you see Liz doesnt want you or need you, just shut up, i dont want to hear it, shes outta sight all because of you, NO JJ ITS NOT MY FAULT, please just give me one more chance i dont wanna go to The Ends, im sorry i mentioned "The Thing". No Erin, times up, the red wires been pulled, and its all BECAUSE OF YOU. now we have to live outta sight, and Elizabeth, when she finds out Johnny cant be her master, and ill tell her the excact reason why. Im Erin Ramos this is me... bye. What do you mean? are you saying he left? AGAIN. i know Liz, all im saying is he can no longer posess you. then how the hell am i supposed to raise hell? if it hadnt been for Erin, we wouldnt be in this fucking mess, this would have NEVER HAPPENED. no CeeCee you know what this means, were gonna be sent to The Ends, if one "Ramos' pulls the wire, all the "Ramos" will be taken to The Ends. Do you know how low functioning Erin is? NO. I DONT GIVE A SHIT IF HE IS. SEND HIM TO THE ENDS, IM NOT GOING DOWN THAT ROAD, being a "McMann" HELL NO. Liz, im so sorry, i should have told him, its not my fault, ITS NOT MY FAULT... This is Elizabeth and CeeCee. nite bitch.... Okay Tuesday, 8:38 pm, Augest 28th, 2012, this is Plumb and Erin Ramos, JESUS CHRIST HOW LONG HAVE I KNOWN YOU? for all the time ive known you, like 2 years? shit, Erin hasn't even told Johnny about you yet, Plumb. i know your my friend, my step sister, but i have to tell Johnny, if you want to be a part of "US" i have to. But what if he doesn't approve me for the program? WELL THEN GET YOUR ASS UP AND START THE PAPERWORK. what paperwork? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID? youll be sent to "The Ends" if JJ hears that, dont you EVER deny paperwork, oh and dont mention "The Thing" either. whats "The Thing"? Dont tell JJ that i told you what "The Thing" is, alright? i promise. okay "The Thing" happens excactly on December 30th, 2012. YEAH AND? what happens is all the wires will be pulled, and every person that asleep while its happening will be sent to "The Ends" Erin is gonna be sent to "The Ends" regardless, i know you like Erin, but hes your step brother, he doesnt even know you exsist, well im logging off, nite o> *Michael Alvarado-Alvaro/DANCING Squares/Veronica&Victoria Enxxelia; [[[[ -----Will You Believe Me If I Went Insane? (These are TRUE REAL Stories I had written in CHYC treatment center back in 2012, these are 100% real, about my hallucinations and me going insane, my stories && my raps.) X'd Out Bitchz-----]]]] 7/12/2012, Ronnie Irez, Coded, got in the shower half naked, sat there crying, digging deep into my skin with the blade oh I pressed it against my skin, watching it bleed, the blood rushing down, brings me to my knees, don't feel no pain, but I'm enjoying it, the blood dripping on the floor, but I don't care, just stand there, watch me bleed, at that moment I jumped and hit the ground, no tears came out, oh hell no, I tried to move but I couldn't, I was stuck, this is just payback for my choices, I tried to get up but I couldn't move a muscle, well this is how I am, visions of killing and fighting and burning down this place, so I got up and climbed out the window, I pulled out my gun, pointing it towards my mouth, thinking of death, suicide, ending it all, Johnny's got me now and I'm just fine, I assaulted 5 cops, and I ran, so faraway I couldn't be found, the world is cruel, it's full of pain, all I think about is numb blank fucked up thoughts, that's all I want to do, all I ever wanted, so I pull out the lighter and my cigarretes I smoked until I fainted, getting faded, and it all turned black , oh I'm so sad, so sad, full of pain, now I feel it, now oh I regret it, bye mom bye dad, see you later, oh no . *Charlotte McMann; 7/12/2012, fire and flames, last week was the day I did it, now I regret it but I did it, I tried to kill my other, I walked into his room and tried to choke em' watch the satisfaction on my face grow, to see him in pain, to see him suffer like I once did, tried to kill em ' all to take em' where daddy is, so we can all be together, and burn this place on fire, and kill every fool in this damn place, yeah I said it, and I'll do it , hell no bitch yo getting in my face, I'll fuck you up before you can blink, have a nice rest while I knock you out, see you in hell, cuz dats where yo ass is going, can't you hear me? can't you hear my voice or are you just ignoring it . yes you tried but you didn't make it, sorry for your loss but it's not my problem, well goodbye have sweet dreams cuz when you'll wake up it will be dark and empty, burning like my soul, like my heart, like the diamonds in your fire , cuz I'm no liar cuz yo just a fake, the cops are chasing me, you'll never catch me, cuz dats just me. Cold and over, shivering outside , the rain is falling down , try to make it through, oh sorry no I can't, I try to walk my way , but there's nowhere to go, my home is so far away, I'm cold and alone, where are you ? I need you, lead me the way I need to go , oh I need to know , where I am, where I need to go , before I lie here and die, my bodies getting old, I'm just laying here like a stone, bodies tense, muscles to hard to move, can't seem to make it any further , come on, come on , your almost there, you may not realize it , but you go to believe, just a few miles away , yes you got to believe, crawl faster, get up , please, I don't wanna see you so broken, I wanna see you try, climb , run , please please your almost there, don't give up now cuz your getting close, your thinking why try harder? but you've got to before you die and get taken away from me, I've already lost enough, I can't stand losing you, leave me like this, shattered inside , cold inside and out, skin scratched and bruised and bleeding, I'm so cold , can you see through me ? if you can please tell me, why me why now why does it have to be this way , why does it have to end like this? *Contance McMann/Erin Ramos; 7/14/2012, see your face, burn down the house, watch it fall, try to stop it but it's no use no more, later that day she burned in a fire, I ran in there, tried to save her, but you know what , she was already dead, the body was turned to ashes, I picked it up trying to bring it back to life , opening eyes like a pleasure, there were red and bloodshot, I had a mental breakdown put it in my trunk, road off the bridge deep into the ocean, we drowned to the bottom, I passed out then I woke up in a hospital bed , body scarred, face burnt, I looked up and there was Constance , I was scared, didn't mean it, I saw your face Constance, please forgive me,it was just a vision, just my mind playing tricks on me , I sorry I was sweating now I got up and slipped and fell when I saw your face, I jumped I was scared oh Erin not now , please not now, I grabbed your body and hid it, JJ killed ya, oh I saw your face , yes i saw your face, it was gone forever. ^.^ *Flyerway && Eddie/Edgar/Chillwax Alejandria; 9/3/2012 My last step, baby it's gonna be okay, don't worry ill be alright, I tried to tell you but you never listened to me I don't care anymore, what you say or what you think, I'm in pain, all over my body, the scars are infected, my life is over, as I inject the last shot of meth, I say goodbye hopeing I would die , die slowly in pain, I light the candles there on fire, I step into the bathtub, water burning, I take my last step in life, I try to cry but it's impossible to me, I'm in so much pain, I can't take it anymore , JJ is after me , trying to kill me, I just want to escape , I'm melting and falling to peices blood all over, ready to die, but then I see you, your face is shocked, you yell and cry, I can't stand to see you hurt, I try to crawl out, but it's to late, body is numb and now all I hear is sirens ringing, your crying, police trying to save my life, I feel so numb, but I don't care, this is the end and now I say, goodbye... *Elizabeth Ramos/Constance McMann/Charlotte McMann/Josephina "Paid2Kill" Hernandez; xxGotNoPleasurexc -"Seeing Me, Elizabeth Ramos , It's Like Reading A Nightmare" (my hallucination alternate life) , by me Sara Berger/Alisa Alvarez- _____Walk into the classroom with your head held high, say hello to everyone inside, my greetings warm and friendly, but when I go outside I remember that I don't have a home, and I feel alone, remember the day I dressed you up for school? The day I cried when I said my goodbye? As you got on that bus and drove away? You don't know what goes on through closed doors, at school everything seems fine , I sit down and do my work quietly and I see all my friends, and act like it's all alright , I'm scared to get in the car , what's gonna happen as soon as I leave my second home? Behind my smile and my hard work and kindness is someone broken and damaged, I can't show it besides behind closed doors. I walk into my house , no parents home, my sister Constance Ramos is inside sitting on the couch, waiting for me to come in with my substances, I pass out the liquor and the cocaine and get high every second of the day, I never had real parents cuz my dad was a physcotic killer and my mom got sent to jail for drugs , aggression , and sexual assault. My dad abused me 24/7 and put a gun to my moms head countless times, and beat her till she bleed and suffocated, he was a serial killer addicted to meth and crack cocaine, and my whole life he beat us to death , tortured us, till we blackout, and cut us up, and abused us to death. Finally he got sent to jail and he killed himself, so I didn't have a dad, no parents, I had to raise myself, my mom was so traumatized that she got Alzheimer's, she was like a 2 year old, she couldn't take care of me and she had physcotic episodes, then the police came cuz she started shooting her shotgun at the wall and all around the house and then at me as she was screaming "I wish you were dead, just like your father, go get raped or killed and kill yourself" she was not in reality she got hijacked and possessed and thought I was her husband and thought I was someone else, she didn't knew who I was, I was like a stranger and so was she, just a blank cold dis activated stranger, she wasn't my mom she was an animal who didn't know reality, and I was like bait to her for her physcotic episodes, then she drowned my head in the tub and burned me and tortured me worse then my dad as she got possessed, she shoved my head against the wall beating me and suffocating to death and stabbing me and torturing me, then she took her shotgun and pointed it towards my head, before she raped me while I was on the toilet and injected drugs into me, the police took her away and I moved to a foster home. The house parents were drug dealers, and they were crude and physcotic, they raped all the children and murdered them, they tortured us like a murderer would but we had to keep it a secret, shhhhhh they said, very quiet, they abused us bad and attempted to kill us, mainly me and this other kid Erin Vanity, we both got brain damaged , our bodies were bloody and scarred , I took Erin in as my little brother and we grew close, but he was low functioning as well, so I had to teach him, one night when we were sleeping I got a call from the neighborhood police department , saying my mom died after she got arrested she jumped out of the car and into the freeway, so I never had parents. I went through 24 foster homes where we were tortured and on drugs, finally me and Erin were on the streets for 2 years doing crazy physcotic illegal shit and killing , and that's where I met this girl named Constance Ramos who was also on the streets, she took us in and we became family , The Ramos Family, we lived together , and then Johnny Garcia came into our lives, he became my master , and me and him and his father Presly got possessed and raised hell (definition for torturing killing and doing physcotic insane and murderous Satanistic shit) he was my master and were physco insane , dysfunctional killers, and we raised hell all day and all night, doing the craziest shit u can think of, and I came home to Constance snorting cocaine and Erin smoking and having a physcotic episode, trashing the house and he was mentally 2 years old. I had no family all my life has been trauma, so I continued to raise hell with Johnny , then he took us to NXSP , a world of controlled programs we went there and raised hell like Satan would have but worse, we became physcotic killers , everybody was, finally I had a home, we were controlled and possessed and our minds were controlled and damaged and we were controlled by our minds and by our programs, I went there to raise hell , I came into the real world and they possessed me and I was out doing crazy physcotic Satanistic shit just as bad as in NXSP, I went insane and my mom was out of it (my mom in the real world) , her little girl was gone I became possessed as Elizabeth Ramos, raising hell and I still had no one so besides being physcotic and living in NXSP and dealing with possessed possessive insane hallucinations and turning me into a possessed physcotic person, i pretended to be fine. I came to school like nothing was wrong, I said my hellos and friendly greetings, but behind closed doors I was raising hell in NXSP, going crazy as Sara and Elizabeth, doing crazy shit in both of my lives. You still don't know what happens behind closed doors, cuz it isn't what it seems, when your seeing me, Elizabeth Ramos .

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iges · 5 years

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Journal Wrap-Up 2018

Jan

I wonder why I doubt myself, feel so small when my potential is so tall

I wonder why I miss people, but still don't pick up the phone to call

Duhet te njohesh shpirtin e njeriut,qe mund ti admirosh fytyren

What do you mourn first? That which you were meant to become, or the many lives you've lived and died on your way to becoming who you are?

I got a lot on my mind / not enough hours to shed / not enough trust to believe, not enough feeling to care / I'm feeling numb to the world so I been ignoring instead

Your own people be laughing when you on ya positive shit

"you're a poet?"

· "something like that. I like to play with words to create experiences"

"it's gonna take a long ass time or a hell of a miracle for me to take someone seriously again. Let alone even consider a relationship."

Living my life like it's golden

Inspiration is everywhere. But it has to find you working

Si qiri po me tretet jeta

When all external affiliations and descriptions are erased; when self-projected facades are defaced; when you take off all the class rings, bracelets and school branded sweaters, who the hell are you?

I can't wait to get out of this country and explore the world. It's almost about damn time I get out of here

Can I get a kiss? And can you make it last forever? I said I'm bout to go to war. And I don't know if imma see you again

So free- don't flee from me

You make this shit feel like summertime

Day is yours beautiful. Go remind the earth why it loves you

The world has said so much to me and I just wanna give it right back to em

Lovin life above a reason

Got expensive energy...can’t afford to give it to everybody

Have you fallen in love with me yet? / you should for a good two weeks / two weeks is best for lovers

Who is healed?

Who is housed?

Who is silent?

Who speaks?

How many generations did it take to become feral?

I know what it’s like to be hardened by the world and all the shit that happens to you. and that’s why I choose softness everyday (or at least try to)

Move me

Family. community. Calm unity.

Love is dope but I’m careful where I place mine now

That dope ass beat in your heart? Vibe to it

The words might escape us, but it is the knowing that matters. It is the knowing that creates the experience.

“Alicia keys aura reminds me of you”

I flower and don’t apologize

Every piece I create, creates me. I create to create myself.

It's very important you take cues from yourself. It is such a wild world full of chaos and chance and if you can see that this is the best part of it, that it's open ended and unscripted, that your fate is your whim, then the vibe hits you and life is the vibe. Often you have to become what you need, and very often the world will punch you in the mouth. You spit out whatever blood may come, you let your eyes give off their wild crazy, and you make yourself into a bolt of lightning. I think if life has fucked with you, I think you get what I mean

I am wayward careening, losing myself in the next next next, little more than a reactive engine, needing to be touched, needing hot exhale on my neck, needing, everything. Would a fight, would words repented, would a fear of violence, of escape, of abandonment, would an action incapable but accomplished, something to tear the heart through the night. I remain and waste and weather and realize why an organism became a predator.

· I place compassion in a bowl and set it aside. I crucify the pity I fill for myself and as I resurrect I realize I no longer know you. I do as you and shrug my shoulders and it is all there is to do.

Turn off your phone before you start making things

People will tell you you’re weird your whole life till they see you doing your own thing or better than them

Feb

Only allowing another body to interrupt long enough for our limbs to tangle like weeds up the side of a brick house, reaching for something impossible

Most people I know cannot sleep until they crawl themselves through someone else's hollow.

There are nights when I wish we were all still children, but then again, I suppose we may be or at least there is no other way to explain how we make every doorway our own. The way we stain ourselves and anything else that moves. The way we scream into the dark like a siren & the weeping, yet another thing we never mention in the morning.

Months later, I fell in love with a coast where my phone calls were no longer currency

Let the n-word spill out from behind the wrong tongue and paint the entire room a new shade of trouble

· Doesn't understand how a word can hang in the air and multiply twice its weight before it ever comes down

· I watch as the air above us gets thick and becomes an anvil of smoke

· It must be nice to wrap your tongue around all of the words in that song without also asking to bleed out on a sidewalk - the only traces of your body be the traces of chalk on the sidewalk

A new sharp and boundless city between us forever, or sometimes multiple

I don’t sleep like I used to under this city's moon. I never got used to eating alone out there and I instead got used to hunger. how small I've become because of these things. I forgot how to talk about distance out loud

“ya know I knew there was something worth admiring about you. you keep proving me right every day”

If you get tired, learn to rest not to quit

You gotta train your mind to be stronger than your emotions or else you'll lose yourself every time.

A lot of people spend time worrying about all the things that could go wrong. I don't think about those things. Where you place your attention grows. I focus on my vision and understand that just because things don't go according to plan doesn't mean that they're going wrong. The universe is collaborative, we aren't in full control. Focus on what you want in your wildest imagination and let it come into being. I'm recontextualizing anxiety as excitement. Depression is just when I need to modulate my mood. Sometimes it's just time to sleep all day. Rest and dreams are as important as the work. It's ok to feel low. It's ok to be confused. You move and breathe through it.

It's easy to find your truth in retrospect. What's hard is to find your truth in the moment

Feeling small again as I leave the city. This restless city…is part of why I'm so restless. Part of the grind is embedded in my bones the other parts are cultivated by this city. When I go elsewhere for too long, my soul becomes more restless than ever.

· But it is ok to feel small at times. Reminds us of how grand we are afterwards. Refer back to yesterday's entry. Recontextualizing the emotions I feel so I can be more comfortable with feeling them.

Sometimes people will come into your life because they're attracted to your energy but they'll misuse it for their own healing. Let that go.

Maybe you won’t get attached to me if I get lucky

You’re my golden girl/ the sun has been kind to you

and this body, this skin, this lineage, how can i wear them with honor? how can i find peace in them?

how do i carry on when it seems there are more of them than there are of me? those folks who do not even think of tenderness, do not even care to know their souls?

to stretch past our current realities toward a future we deserve. to stretch past our own shit in order to build the collective we need.

Can you dig it?

I feel like I asked god for it and got back "are you sure? Ok. Just know that everyone can't go."

· So I'm watching that. And it is tough. But I'm too deep in and I can do so much good.

· It's lonely out here but beautiful.

Everyone who has told me they loved me has meant something different

March

Officially going to south Africa in the fall

Fullness is risky business

Were you looking for someone? As I watched you go? I’m mad because I don’t know what you used me for

Self-improvement is the best dating advice

My single years have been the most emotionally rich, spiritually uplifting moments of my life. It is in these moments of solitude that the self is discovered and furthered.

Creating beauty and opportunity

I love hard but I don’t give a fuck even harder

I might be too great alone. Solitude is the wave

Someone said the whole point of living is to age. I haven’t been the same since

My dreams return to me. Like seeds shifting in the dirt. I could have a joy unlimited. Imagine that. Imagine that there is a warmth deep enough in the earth to withstand a few chilly seasons of fear. Imagine you blooming anyway. Despite | in spite. Inspire. It's the kinda thing that makes your muscles loosen. Your colors richen. Spring forward.

I love low lighting and low voices and a low moon. I wish love was easier to give- wish it came with settings. I would turn you on, so that you illuminated us both.

She remembered who she was and the whole game changed.

I guess you wake up one day and decide to be strong

Writing to sunsets while on the road. I think this is the way my life is supposed to go

It’s funny how overemotional encounters render me emotionless

Listening to canal st and thinking back to blasting this while I came down from my trip with rumeer this summer. Walked him to the train and then walked through the city with the homies. Walked like a pack blasting music and just talking some real shit. It was a day of so many emotions, so many tears- of sadness for lack of understanding, of happiness for finally making my dreams come true, of laughter for being able to be stupid together. And a night full of raw thoughts. I felt so at one and at peace with myself. I knew myself better at that point in my life than I have ever known myself before, than I know myself now. I can't wait for life to feel that way again.

Don’t rush yourself, but apply pressure

As artists, we have to keep reinventing ourselves; we can't ride the same wave forever, for, that's how you drown

They always ask "where are you now?" in a way that insinuated there were only two places on earth one could be: new york and somewhere ridiculous

April

i keep waiting to receive you. i keep wanting, past what's warranted. i keep asking and opening. i keep giving you an entrance. why tho?

some glimmer of a thing. potential, hope, lust- all shimmer in the dark. i spotted you. to my detriment maybe. you are decadent maybe.

i'm making you up as i go because you won't come close enough to show me the truth. and because my truth feels better. and because i keep wanting a reason to want you.

there is no reason why this should end well. but we hang around just in case. i've got to protect myself just in case.

suicidal thoughts happen on sunny saturday afternoons right alongside the sprout of pink flowers. in a single sigh of relief, there is the joy of being alive for another spring, and there is the exhaustion of having survived another winter. wanting to quit. wanting to stay. pendulum swings. i can't imagine what it's like to not feel both, feel everything, in constant oscillation.

i moved to america in what felt like the middle of a sentence. childhood morphed into something unfamiliar, something of a memory, which isn't the same as the thing itself.

some version of me thought it would be romantic if we could connect off the strength of who we were when we were 11.

it didn't turn out so well or last very long. whatever personality she might have had, she drowned out with drugs and hennessy. and it's strange the way the paths you take can age you. from juice boxes to drugs and sex and a lot of smoke and fog to clog the memories. it does something to you.

my preferred style of loving is from a distance...like the sun. it's enough for me that someone cna stand in my warmth and stand in their own truth at the same itme. it's enough for me to be a flame, a shining light, a star. except for when i'd rather be touched.

the real [quest]ion is: how do i create and embody a life i enjoy? what is my power? what happens when i add more courage? let's keep moving to find out.

the whole point of abundance is

to have enough and be enough

so you don't have to build it all at once

pardon my bohemian ways

i know i act like i be stuck in a bohemian daze

you said you love me, so don't rush me

love is patient and now you gotta trust me

buffering, creativity suffering

when you bustlin' hustlin' for the numbers and

you missed the journey if you climbed too fast

traveler, never falling victim to these calendars

they say greatness gets better with time

so why expedite my prime?

see i'm just a lilac tied to the earth

exuding the fragrance of life and birth

so respect my photosynthesis

my petals, my stems, full of nourishing flow

you thought this was a love song, but no

i just need you to let me grow.

life is a fleeting thing--and a fluid thing. i am a wave dissolving against the shore--then rewinding. it's not very interesting to some, but it's real. to me, it's fascinating. it does fill the time with something. my unimportance is shimmering under the sun until it becomes it's own beam of light, until i become aware of my light and take flight.

the words don't always come because sometimes there are none. not for what i want to say. not for where i stay. but are to be found in the spaces i need to go.

and so this is how i become a fleeting thing--and a fluid thing. my life takes shape based on who i am and who i become. so i'm living this life like it's my only one.

What I am trying to say is: I am trying to travel more lightly these days

i have to live in a numberless now. do i feel alive? have i danced enough? written enough? created enough today? or any other day? will my tired heart renew its strength again? these questions don't care what month it is. when i go to answer them, that is how my life evolves. there is no schedule, no score, no scale that will accurately reflect the tale of my life.

it is happening now. tune in now or you'll be lost in the next episode.

self pity is just cloud cover. it is defense mechanism against difficulty.

there's no way out of carrying the weight of your own life. and that shit is humbling. because the consequences are impartial to both innoncence and ignorance. whether we know better or not, whether accidental or on purpose, if a bone breaks, it breaks. we can spend an eternity rationalizing the causes, but the effects are here now, and the bone is still broken. they demand to be dealt with.

most days i feel like everything that could be said has been said. i write anyway.

trauma attaches to our genes and our choices, and we pass these things on to the next installment of living beings. why is it so hard to fathom that everything is connected, and that the good we do today matters? it matters to our ancestors, our present peers, and our successors... that we heal, we love, and we create. and we do this with the wilderness and joy we were born to do it with. this is a wounded place we are living in. i wish to tend to it already

when my lungs ebb and release the air, the shore of my soul comes into form. time recedes, reveals the miracle of being born anew each morning. heaven is the reachable pulsating heart in each of us.

how do we go about living our days there?

maybe i keep my distance because the best way to enjoy something is to not bother it.

the sun loves us from a distance. maybe that's where i get it from. getting closer changes everything. it changes your skin entire.

I feel as though I am sunshine with a pulse

i have been trying to gather my thoughts, but they don't want to be gathered. they want to roam wildly.

i am thinking of you and how you could be anyone and how i've written your poem already under another title and another face.

i just can't go back to a place where everything in life is centered around romantic love. there is so much more important love to me now. a love poem is never just about a person anymore, it's about a person, myself, our dreams, and everything in between that makes us free. besides, what is a love poem, but a pair of wings?

emptiness is an opportunity. to fill, to fly

i wanna know why we all aren't laughing, why our mouths aren't all prepared to swallow the moonlight

i am so warm and willing. it's like glowing from my superpower. it's like knowing what star i came from.

what are my essential needs?

what has to be met in order to connect?

what boundaries can i unfasten to let more freedom in?

language is a constant movement in my body--as the lungs, the heart, and the blood. always, there is a charge to communicate. it is the original addiction. i learned early the world is molded by storytellers. i discovered the sentience of a sentence and couldn't return to unfeeling. the call to express is as fluid as a reflex. as natural. as eternal.

at the end of the day, my voice is an invitation to my loneliness. language brings fellowship to my solitude--makes compelling the insignificant. it is a never present temptation. to speak and feel and build. it is an opening.

sometimes i just like the feeling of not being home. i enjoy the fog and flow between two places. perhaps i'm going nowhere slowly. but to enjoy the relief of being back in familiar territory, you must leave every once in a while to soften yourself against the unknown.

"how do you know me so well?"

"because i know myself"

i've been writing about love since i was a child. it was always the loose thread in the tapestry. one tug and you could watch the whole thing unravel. i was 11 when i noticed this subtle energy holding everything together. didn't quite know what to call it back then. but i found myself in a constant flirtation with whatever came close.

poetry is the matter of twirling that thread around my finger, sensing the collective pull as love touches everything. colors are saturated by it. music erupts from it. dreams are made bold because of it. sometimes i will call it by other names:

summer, water, desire, energy, you.

words are for linking them all together, naming the constellations, and finding our way in the dark. words were born from our insatiable need to connect and from the allure of cause and effect. i'm glad for it.

my favorite space to be is here...because i know you'll love me back from the otehr end of the string. one tug and we can watch the whole thing unravel, revealing the raw nakedness underneath.

i've been writing about you since before i knew you by your name.

i think there's this sweet spot you find when you're discovering yourself that is both private and sincere. you are not obligated to share it. it is a vibe you register as peace or loneliness with a hint of fire and warmth. a heart of sorts. perhaps the heart itself. you are alive and complete, as is. sure, over time, you will glow and erode and merge with others, but there will always be your center. your zero. your infinite. the gift you take when you leave your mother and discover singularity, whether that mother is a person or a country. you take not of it like hearing the muffled baseline of a familiar song in the distance that carries the rhythm like something of a home. your song. deep down, you are your own. i think this is the love i've been trying to remember and re-discover. she saves me in the end. i've always had quite a strong sweet tooth.

One day I’ll wake up and it won’t be on the battlefield

"eating salmon with pumpkin rice and thinking about how many times i've written my existence into reality"

most people forget what could change another life once changed theirs

im sitting in my room crying over my progress report from kindergarten because i've literally always been like this. sometimes i forget. but i won't waiver because i can't waiver. i promise to keep holding it down till i'm in the ground. peace.

remember that spirit bomb of a book i put out? lol. what happened to that?

yo peace to everyone who understands this shit isn't theoretical

it's always the motherfuckas with no magic tryna tell you what to do with yours

inspiration as a force but not with force

i'm a different soul now than when you first knew me. it's not the same shy timid girl you met. i now know myself, i know what i want from life, and i know my journey. and i am not willing to let anyone fuck with that. so you're either with me or not.

I am so grateful for this passion. For this creativity. For this fire burning within me

I don’t know how to explain war language to those who have never had to speak it

a year of subtle dopeness. it was no accident that i was off campus during my birthday. it was no accident that it was with a small group of good company. it was no accident that i had a great night at the party regardless of those around me. it is no accident that i don't let anybody fuck with my energy lately, even while mercury was in retrograde. it is no accident that i feel like i am floating. though life may feel like a series of coincidences, i have come to realize that i have learned how to be very intentional with my energy and actions in order to create the vibe i want for my life. and i have come to be so thankful for that. it is no accident that i am where i am today. i have brought myself here, willingly, intentionally. love and support has helped carry me here. of myself and others. it is no accident that i feel at home wherever i go these days; that i can up and leave constantly and come back and settle in whenever needed. while still floating. i have learned to make a home of this body and soul. i am learning how to build peace from it. i lay foundations, willingly, and intentionally. with love and support. i didn't just happen here; i put myself here because i wanted to be here (no matter how hard it may be to believe or remember sometimes). i am grateful for this power and awareness. continuing to vibe to the dope beat in my heart; continuing to build my song; continuing to let the rhythm (of love and support) carry me wherever i need to go; continuing to sing it wherever i go.

Don’t quit your groovy shit

seeking the sun

"you've got such a great heart yo. mad generous and loving"

"now i do. took a while"

Reminder: “if you wanna fly, gotta give up the shit that weighs you down”

writing is a stimulant. where the blood goes, the words flow, and heat rises to the surface. a story is what we tell when we are most free.

to execute a vision, you have to trust the movement.

certain things you just can't rush.

namely, Growth.

I am releasing everything.

i think i displayed, often, that i cared about your well-being. enough to warrant, at minimum, a little transparency on your end. something, anything, a single word. but distance? silence? why that? why didn't i deserve a reason? i'll live, but it does sting a bit.

set your anger down and think about who's in control.

i am a lover, with or without a lover.

May

and every day, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling "this is important! and this is important! and this is important! you need to worry about this! and this! and this!" and each day, it's up to you to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say "no. this is what's important" -Iain Thomas

i want myself unconditionally. i want my own love. with everybody else, there are requisites. fuck that.

to write myself in and out of moods.

to create new energy for myself.

this is the move.

Belonged | Beloved

against the blue of the sky, this tree was a peacock in a past life.

There’s not enough room nor time for anger. It’s time to forgive us both.

how much time does it take to be a real writer?

what does it take to be a real writer?

what does it take to call yourself all that you are?

i pull sativa smoke into my lungs and feel my muscles loosen

Notice Me- Migos

as i find my limits stretched, i'm understanding that i'm not in the position to ask for more. my inventory is capped. the things that are already here want to be noticed. and it's about time i notice them. you create space for wealth by giving thanks and taking care of what is already there. i stand in my space and register my blessings: running water, a community to love, unread books, muscles to temper, rage to soften, love to give, my work cut out for me. my advantages eclipse my deprival. society would rather have me believe that i don't have enough any day. it would rather me reduce myself to greed where no life can be sustained. i have plenty i could stand to appreciate more if i know what's good for me. and i am learning what is good.

i realize now how i always considered babson a temporary destination, always thought of it as a visit. and because i said that before i even got here, i have been treating it as such ever since. when i lost sight of it, when i tried to fully immerse myself, i got lost in it and lost myself in it. it is okay to acknowledge that there are some spaces you are just a visitor to, that you can never truly belong there. even if these are the spaces you are supposed to call home. home is not a place that i call, home is a place that i feel called to.

i always want to get straight to the heart of things.

my spirit stayed behind to find the sun.

she has found it and is now catching up to me.

rather than abandonment, i feel nourishment.

a sentiment known since we felt the shadows of our parents for the first time.

what am i not tryna deal with right now?

i just be lookin forever eternally

lately i've been questioining a lot. most people are fake supportive, and i no longer have energy to give outside of my craft

last night was a night of affirmations. everything came full circle. my purpose was affirmed, my character was affirmed, my role here was affirmed, and now it's time to go the fuck off.

there is a lot of tenderness in my life when i know where to find it and when i choose to seek it out. choice is what this is all about. gratitude is the fuel.

summer in my soul

i can't do it, not because i'm incapable. because it's not part of my purpose

looks can be deceiving, words can be misleading, i see blood on my shirt but i'm not the one bleeding

realizing and recontextualizing.

i trust myself so much. i trust my emotions. i trust my thoughts. i trust my body. no one can tell me who i am.

collecting and connecting

i'm not seeking anyone to fill anymore emptiness. it turns out i never needed that. what i've always craved are simply opportunities to be my most authentic self. love is bigger than two people but can also be as small as one. love is having a place in the world and in yourself. love is wanting a future. love is the courage to keep going. love is a lot more. sometimes a person is not the answer. for me, it seldom ever is. sometimes, most times it is movement. sometimes, it is rain, money, the right song, an adventure. sometimes it is sleep. sometimes it is drug store candy and a day in full of wet windows and kisses. sometimes it is the right album and a hike and a mountain view. all this estate for my mind to run. but a lot of the poems suggest that you have to wait for someone to give you a chance to be somebody. that's what i am here for. to shift the notion that you ever need anybody to give you the permission or opportunity or freedom to become all that you ever are on your own. you gotta know what it is like to feel wanted. i know what it's like and it's beautiful. but the world is still burning. but it feels most beautiful when you are wanted by and for yourself. there is opportunity/freedom in emptiness. to fill. to fly. i am not seeking anyone anymore because this emptiness is not for filling. i’m flying baby. you are welcome to dance with me in this expanding space. but i don't expect you to have the answers, and i pose the same request to you. more than anything, i just want to be myself, in myself, with myself.

fuck all that other noise.

people here are so concerned with looking busy that they're never actually doing anything.

how can you ever go wrong with the girls who call earth home

everybody else is 2's and 3's. you're the 1. i love you.

i do possess the desire to be understood on the level that touches my poetry, sensitivity, and the playful melancholy from which my rebellious love sprouts. but because i know myself where it counts, i don't beg for it elsewhere. there is no urgency. few people have met me in that soft space of feeling, laughing, and moving slowly. i resented that at first. but it's not a big deal now. alone is how i get to be unglamorous on my own terms.

i write more than i talk. i like to walk along the beach and listen, walk the city streets and listen. i enjoy giving because wanting takes me out of my element. i don't always know how to explain that to my friends when they call and i don't answer. but if you came to my door, i'd let you in.

for the sake of compassion, a lot can be simplified. every now and then you want somebody to talk to, and maybe you wouldnt mind fucking them, if they didn't mind it. is it so paramount that we make it A Thing? maybe you only wanna talk or listen or be around, but you don't wanna overstay your welcome. maybe you get lucky and find everything in one person. maybe you find one thing among many, right when you need it. maybe you are all you need, sometimes. i think we ask a lot of each other before we know any better. i feel like we get too high up and too fast, and now that we need to climb down, we are more afraid than ever. we shouldn't be afraid. we were searching for a friend. we succeeded. we don't need to complicate that.

tired. what's next? i'm suffering. what's next? i'm shedding. what's next? i'm not holding on tightly to anything anymore. or maybe ever again.

both patient and relentless, this love does not allow me to remain a victim. it lifts and dares me with the same strength of limb- an embrace that is forgiving and urgent. get up, it implores. pushing tenderly. refusing pity. and this is novel, alarming, beyond denial. this love won't let me proceed unchanging, just as the softness of hands shaping clay does not detract from their calculated strokes. it touches me purposefully deep down in my sorrow, demanding its purge. confident in my ability to harvest light. i am anxious within it, yet still assured..that this is as it should be- ruthlessly constructive.

if you stopped loving me, would you be brave enough to tell me?

when i was lonely, i ran to love to cure it. i am not lonely now, and that is its own affliction.

sometimes i just don't want to be seen. i imagine living outside the context of my body like a smokescreen. is it such a terrible idea to do things in increments? i wish i could disappear for months at a time without offending anyone. like the bears do. it's not always about you. i wish i was as light as air.

but i am fire. and i must be around so we can stay warm.

the world is allowed to be temperamental, yet we aren't. how come? aren't we of this world? aren't we allowed our seasons?

but fire has no season, my dear.

"just to hear it in your words"

· i love how you ask me the things you already know just to be able to hear it in my own words

you make my desire pure

croque is my hub of solitude, intimacy, and creativity. it is one of the few places i am most intimate with myself and my work always. and by work i mean creativity, which has always been the work of my heart.

nomadic in spirit, grounded in character, free in energy.

what an incredible experience to become who i've always wanted to be. so liberating, so humbling, so powerful, so beautiful.

this really incredibly dope trippy thing in my life has been happening lately where everyone i know, in different circles are all going through similar things. and it's so cool because as they all talk to me about it, it almost feels like they're having conversations with each other. and all my circles are shifting into venn diagrams and life has never been more interesting.

June

as a child i've always been to myself because i somehow picked up the ability to make myself happy. that's why detachment is easy for me. i know that i'm not the easiest person to like. i've always treated myself like the i'm the privelege and the priveleged. people have expressed dissatisfaction with my way of thinking but it's really not an egotistical mentality. in order for me to believe that i'm the privelege it's because i want to be that. i work hard at being that. i'm always working on myself and my energy. i'm always trying to improve so i can be a benefit to those around me. i'm the privilege because i want to be the best friend, i want to be the one you need. i want to be the one you rely on. the reason i want to be that way is exactly why i choose to treat myself as the privelege. i will continue to do so because i'm a firm believer that my energy will gravitate towards similar energy.

if i told you i love you but do not want you, would you understand the gift this is, the freedom, the open lane, the life without expectations, which become contracts, and then we employees to each other, checking off to-do lists, holding meetings, taking surveys, sitting and stewing instead of living. i have a notion that love is not a necessity and that this sanctuary and steeple idea is a means to hamstring a wild flight through existence. i love you. i do not stay. humans do not mate for life. they barely know themselves. they forget everything. i am seeking power over my memory, with you by my side, for as long as we choose. i am drifting away. it does not make me good or evil. i am not a scoundrel. i am not salvation. we had life together. it ended. it ends.

If you don’t get it off your chest, you’ll never be able to breathe

i think this is the course of my life. i know what i want. my soul knows where it wants and needs to go and it steers me there through manifestation. from thoughts to words to existence. this is the way our lives form. we must choose to shape them.

don't explain your philosophy. embody it.

i live in another dimension and i do not have time for things that have no soul.

feed my soul or get lost.

go where you feel the most alive.

"even if you feel lost, everybody feels fucking lost. in so many ways.

the mind is what you gotta train the most before anything

-coffee shop overheard

if i had a nickel for the times i was absent minded i forget to hit your line

i was minding mine and you just want to see me shine

i was minding mine i meant to mend and make amends

it is incredible how much love is in the world, awaiting me. i don't know why it's happening now- why i feel the flowers bursting from the valleys in my heart. perhaps they've had enough rain.

the sun cuts right to the chase. i walk to the store that's farther away just to enjoy it longer. i play the same song four times over. the wind is in my lashes. my eyes reflect the honey of the bees. i mean..love turns up in every blade of grass when your mind is open. that's what i'm getting at here.

i'm giddy because you don't realize the weight of worrying until you drop everything and breathe. i can do anything i want to, and that is the hill worth climbing on. love is knowing that i can succeed. peace & joy is the ultimate success. you have to choose which thoughts to believe.

everything has its own place and pace. and i really like this view. at times, my humanity rushes in towards me. a resurgence of recognition.

i am a limb on the branch. i am a member of the tribe. ours is a life of seasons.

i've got an entire lineage of roots that hold me down and rely on me to lift them up, to keep this growth part of who we are. there is so much love to harvest here. and so i must keep moving towards the sun. i am grateful for all of it. for everything that has built me for all this movement and a spirit that never strays nor stays for too long.

here comes peace.

i am not here to compete for anything.

falling out of love doesn't make me an enemy.

my humanity doesn't make me an enemy

perhaps nothing is harder than telling the truth

but nothing is more free.

my wings are here.

i am vibrating love

i walk in love, never fall in it. might get tripped up in it once in a while, but it is an accessory to my journey rather than a destinaton.

[feeling my feelings]

I’m opening up all the channels to love that have been clogged by circumstance

I’m laughing right now because it occurred to me that I can love myself through it all and that’s a fucking blessing

Reflections and rewards

I have unlimited potential. Joy- abundant. What’s stopping me?

Present at where we are

your eagerness to create without hesitation is inspiring.

the difference with you is that nothing gets in the way of your creativity. you live seamlessly. you grow spiritually & it all makes sense. there is so much truth to your patience.

you show others that no matter how long it takes to create something, your work can be timeless

I’m only out here just tryna impress myself now

I might love you more than you love yourself. And that might scare you

Visible light. That is what you are

water does not resist. water flows. when you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is caress. water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. but water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. water is patient. drippng water wears away a stone. remember that, my child. remember you are half water. if you can't go though an obstacle, go around it. water does.

but his pride is bigger than his heart will ever be. so the feelings remain silent.

"you shine like a river when the sun catches its eye during the sunset"

nobody cares. work harder.

I’m only at 37%

they don't like you they like a version of you and when you aint that version its the end of the world

hey you,

when did you begin to show yourself love?

what's in front of you?

what are you trying to see?

what are you hoping is on the other side?

what do you believe in?

what are ten things you care about?

what does the world need to know?

what are you getting out from?

what are you leaving behind?

he say nothing

i say nothing

but i love you

sometimes, we are both looking for a way out

some days, the exits look a lot like each other

i know i know i know

we repeat like broken vinyls

if i don't leave now and go on my path i might (will) get stuck

i refine my falling outs. i improve the ways i break. i better course my disasters to run into the heart and not the toes. (this way i don't stumble over my mistakes. take them to heart so this way the lesson is learned) i make good the details of every collapse. this is to continue forward in life.

ferox : wild; Bold; warlike; defiant

i think growth is so beautiful and fascinating. because there are moments where you can finally find the words to explain the ways you felt when you were younger and didn't have them yet, feeling helpless in your silence and search. and then there are the moments where you feel like that child all over again.

as i write about certain moments, i start to realize the feelings are so familiar. and maybe its the conglomoration of feelings through the years that make it feel that much stronger and intense now.

like i've been here before. i've felt this before. i've known love all along. i've known community all along. i am finally building it for myself. and now i have the words for it all.

don't fall in love

walk in love

live in love

roamers & seekers

we really out here setting ourselves free

intention and evolution has been really big so far this year

effort is the only measure from here on out

and then the vibe hits you and life is the vibe

july

i am scared i won't get to finish my sentence in the midst of telling my store. but the truth is: i am complete. i am lucky i got the chance to live. there is more of me now, than in yesterday. i am full and that is all i need to go on.

i am paused at the spilling point looking back, looking forward scared as hell. in the blur of spilling, i am all the things i used to be, i am in mourning, i am in bloom.

let curiosity reveal yourself to you.

reward yourself with the pursuit of your dreams.

seek the thrill in your own life.

and lastly, feel no shame.

to execute a vision, you have to trust the movement.

don't deny yourself anymore love just because you're not where you'd like to be. or because the thing you wanted didn't want you back. so what, fuck em. show up for yourself.

In life some moments make you disappear, others make you show up

when Lauryn sings "how you gonn win if you ain't right within"

& i am, oh i am right within for this small & shrinking moment

i am right within for this newborn praise,

because it is a new day

& the rain stopped,

& the clouds cleared earlier

& yes the darkness arrives earlier now

& yes the streets are still slick and humid

but on this day, the children are in them

dodging the street lights with their street smarts & bikes

& they leap across the city streets like they own them

with their knees still freshly bleeding from the last fall

but it is summer now & none of that matters

all that matters is these young bodies throwing themselves into the mouth of two jump ropes

& then into the mouth of the ocean

& this is the only country they know

this right here

what does it mean to get free when all you know is a country called freedom?

we speak of a free childhood

& she tells me "this is a great place to grow up but where do you go once you're grown?"

when home don't feel like home no more?

when home can't house your larger & older body

& all that's left to do is throw our bodies into the mouths

of ropes & oceans & each other

just like the good ol days

but these days they swallow us whole

& so i say then:

make a border around any place where you are loved & call it your own

& so i say then:

make a border around those who hold you up & build a home

& so i say then:

i know the suffering and burning cannot be forgotten

but if only for a sweet second, on this night

we claim a new & fleeting empire

governed by food & prayer from everyone's grandmas

& loud children

& men who drink and play games all day

& these men who know they ain't shit

& their women who know it better but have lived a tried and tired life

& loved them too long to stop now

& look what a beautiful country we can claim,

on this day,

how beautiful our borders are,

& so i say then to

our new & brief & fleeting home:

how we grow from you full

how we wish you everywhere

how we try to taste you in the air instead of war.

my face in the reflection of a wave

i am pretty

even if for a brief second before the crash

i am beautiful

look how pretty i am with god slowly drifting out of my heart like dry ice under a ceiling fan

it's 1998 in the tips of my fingers again

sometimes i forget how good the beginning feels until the end

i dream of rapture

i dream of war

i dream of my mouth forming a blanket around my most secret thoughts

i learn to become small under the shadow of what love i know

it is almost always summer here

even at the mountain peaks cloaked in snow

the mountains never stop moving even after we go

i think about everything forever in the light of the sun instead of dirt

and for the first time in forever,

it doesn't hurt

closeness. the lengthening of time. the love that rests in a name. the comfort words bring when they describe something perfectly. when they fulfill a purpose for me. when they make sense of all the chaos, and in this, the chaos also does not have a name. at least not one people can ever remember right. she, too, intimidates people. but here she lies. the signifer and the signified, slow dancing together in a small room, drunk on meaning. the dizzying lights of our insides spilling out, unencumbered by a physical form. all this love does not have a name. it can hardly be described, only felt in the deepest parts of the chest where no thoughts go. what have we become? a gnarled thing approximating love. a river overflowing with water. a fire burning with passion. finally, we build up the courage to purse our lips and we call it what it is. chaos turned benevolence.

i realize i think all my life my idea of relationships--and they, themselves-- was built around always talking and the exchange of words as a measure of connection. both a way to build and resolve. but with you, we just do. i think that is what's most refreshing. instead of exchanging words, we share experiences. & that's why this bond feels so much deeper.

remembering: the dream is to fly away and write. it is happening. the pages are turning and the wings(words) are preparing for flight.

ENERGY UNFUCKWITTABLE ALL SUMMER 18

there is something about this month that feels like a shout! a bursting, pulsating energy. so intoxicating and vibrant

like fierce, courageous, brave, gonna battle my own demons and dance with all my fears

like expanding past limitations that bind me and keep me small, keep me denying how deeply i yearn to love

something feels real honest about this month, and really, this whole summer.

what magic are you a vessel for?

Note to self: few can fight like you can, my dear. and your willingness to show up, wave after wave, to do the work you must do in this world is a blessing. thank you.

August

notice the roles that you cling to for validation. notice the ones that you stay in out of obligation. notice the ones you now have to contort yourself to fit into that you didn't used to. what felt good once, won't always. how you align with others is changing. how you work within your communities is changing. how you work towards your dream, vision, and hope for the future is changing.

change for a lifetime

i welcome the empty spaces that this purge creates. i remember that releasing what is burdensome yet familiar is far from comfortable, but completely necessary if i am to grow.

08.12.18 release for departure

convo with stephen from nov 2016

· "girl you are a trip, what am i gonna do with you?"

· "hope you enjoy your stay"

i do not look outside for what can only be fulfilled within. i do not try to get love, praise, or power from the world. i look for ways in which i can put more love into the structures i enter.

i know that every time i create a space for my own healing, i am making a powerful statement to myself and my life.

declaring that i am too worthy of such a radical act of love, i reclaim any power i gave the world to dictate how well i am doing.

this is where i come to refill and refuel

i gather myself around the fires of my creative capacities

this is the flame i am devoted to maintaining

the more i let go of what i think my life should look like, the more i am able to align myself with the regenerative energy of my creative process. i am using my time to discover, uncover, and validate the talent i naturally possess and the work ethic needed to help this goldmine do what it came here to.

like most things that live, i choose fluency in fire

i swallow the sun squirming in my hand like a seed

there's a whole lot of time and opportunity on this side

can't waste it

bop your head get your neck skrong

it was not a mistake to be open. i was always myself. i was never uncomfortable

(some people hurt you anyway)

i am still the ocean.

i feel myself healing. this is so powerful. i feel myself winning

release for a new life to occupy the space of pain and loss.

growth in place of pain

peace in place of unknown

gratitude filling to the brim

overflowing with joy

the body stretches and becomes an exit

everything must go except for me

so many people in cape town had commented on my confidence and how they need it to help them with their own. I think it’s fascinating the small things people notice about you that sticks most with them

it's fascinating. this is a different type of gravitational pull. i am more grounded with this energy. it's more than intriguing, it's inspiring to these men. and frankly, these people.

Keep learning yourself. Keep loving yourself.

Free up ya heart boo

“yeah but you’re different tho, you stay true to yourself wherever you go”

be proud of who you are and where you come from: roots, origins, language, accents, food, clothes, culture, heritage, traditions-- all of it.

be yourself because everyone else is already taken. And be proud cuz can’t nobody do you like you

reclaiming my energy

September

keep asking yourself if what you are doing has any energy behind it. if it excites your being. if it clarifies your reasons for advancing along the lines that you are. if it doesn't life your spirit in some major way, it's not going to have the stamina to work in the long run.

who really gonn hold us down? me

never know where you go, rollercoaster

all your highs got a low, rollercoaster

some of us gotta be homes for those who can’t/don’t know how to be their own

the distance that you have travelled along the healing roads you have tread

lift up how you have mastered some of the hardest lessons you have had to learn recently

praise you for taking the time to process what hurts

a kind of murder

and i don't feel like writing about protest or poetry of how one informs the other

what choice has america given me but to weaponize my own breathing, to organize every inhale/exhale into a grassroots movement of sound?

my very pulse

a poem

do you know any mothers zomibified by grief? working class women who mourn on a sliding scale?

im stuck at the border and i think theres something in the water

centered & uncensored

it is september 7th & i have been writing about birth & death like clockwork. stare at the clock and read that mac miller is dead.

a heavy day of processing

another life lost to substance abuse

& we watch the news

& we see death everywhere

& we feel devastation

& we take this moment to vow to take care of ourselves through the pain of life & growth

fuck man.

it is so easy to lose yourself in this world

it is so easy to lose sight of who you are

it is so easy to let yourself go

in all the wrong ways

spiraling into control

remembering who i am

reclaiming my space

reclaiming my time

reclaiming my energy

shoulda died already

why the fuck you need me

don’t you know how to fly already

we forgot our roots before & trust me, things, they fell apart

my life is on these words, this is my affidavit

I can’t see a thing but things never been clearer

We on the same trip / we just got different baggage

your wounds aren’t always your fault

but your healing is your responsibility

hashtag we are doing whatever we want 2018 till infinity

only thinking forward

only doing forward

only being forward

can't fake vibes. synergy. living things in your living spaces (children, plants, pets, spouse) consume your energy. surround yourself with positive vibes and high vibrating energy

home...is it a building? a city? a country? a state of mind? a state of mine?

where i seek,

i find,

myself

travel with all of its clouded and unexpected moments is still the most me i feel. i feel most at home when i am moving between the delicate balance of belonging to my self and the world. i miss my family but in that space from here to there i don't miss any parts of me.

"she guessed my favorite color on the first try..

but between me and u.....i didnt even have a favorite color until she yelled out yellow!! she was hella excited n smiling like a little kid. so i told her she was right and i havent seen yellow the same since, its in everything. i could probably live in it now."

there is no place more intimate than the spirit alone

my family spans the entire globe and I am lucky that I get to love them

I have so much joy that I don’t feel like I’m fighting anymore

in a world of choices, I choose me

you probably inspire people that don’t have a clue what it is you actually do

nowstalgia - creating moments i will forever look back on & love

"you have the confidence of like a woman and i need you to help me"

a man writes into my phone at 12 am at a bar in the middle of cape town on a wednesday night. i look down, laugh, and shaking my head, ask, "help with what?"

"my confidence" he answers, looking into my eyes and then quickly down.

the same night, a few hours later, another man stops me and tells me

" when i look into your eyes i see love"

i look down, laugh and shaking my head, ask, "what makes you think it's for you?"

the same night, a few hours earlier, another man finds out i'm a poet and writes a poem in his phone about me

it began with "she is albanian. she is american. she is everything good balanced. she is exotic. she is...."

it ended with "and she is a muse for every nigger to come her way"

i look down, laugh, and shaking my head, ask, "what?"

the same bar, a few weeks later, the same man comes up to me and asks "hey do you remember me?! i wrote that poem in your phone. i wanted to formally ask you if we could work on poetry together. like you start and i'll take it somewhere. i just wanna take you somewhere"

one is a fitness trainer. gets any pussy he wants. still needs help with his confidence.

one is a business man. gets all the money he wants. still needs love.

one is just a man. somewhere between a writer and a regular man. gets lost in everything he comes across. still needs a muse.

still.

needs & wants.

we still.

loss, tastes like her skin on a bed next to a warm saturday sun. loss, tastes like her mind over emails, over texts, over whatsapp negotiations that travel over art & dreams & what it means to kiss god. loss, tastes like her soul over troubled bridges trying their hardest to stay above water & not burn. loss, tastes like, her heart torn and mended in fear & hope. the heart that sacrificed itself in the name of peace.

loss, tastes like confusion, cuz you know that there ain't no damn nobility in giving up heaven to create peace in hell. and hell, if i could just get a piece of peace, i'd be good and well. loss, tastes like, you need to drink more water and eat more fruit and all the self care trends lost in a sea of no self love, and perhaps, just maybe once the bitterness has passed down your throat, and the water washes it away, once you've washed away the moans from your lips, you both, this time, without teeth, only with tongue, can love again.

and then. you can tell me what love tastes like. the love we lay in.

I am unwilling to be led away from myself

i forgive us both for... being passing ships in the night--sails set on separate horizons. what is the point of wishing things were different? they were different enough. curiosity is the current which guides the bow of the boat. and our curiosity led us to different spaces. made us think our dreams on different horizons. who can we blame for the calmness of the tide before the storm came? who can we blame for how quietly the storm came and left? who can we blame on those nights when we had a chance? once enough time passes, once enough distance is gained, it will no longer feel like a loss or a mistake. to not confuse loss with lost. merely the consequence of brevity in a wide sea of opportunity. how were were supposed to know? you and me? who do we blame? you or me? we cannot possibly embark on every path presented to us. and for this, i forgive us. for being passing ships in the night. the storm has passed. it has turned to day. and i must say. there is an overwhelming sense of peace in forgiveness.

my parents were tasked with the job of survival and i with self actualization. the immigrant generational gap is so real. what a luxury it is to search for purpose, meaning and fulfillment. and when i try to explain it to them and they don't understand, i gotta remember, we don't always speak the same language.

let it go. you're ready to vibrate higher.

the old life. is an old life. one you have already lived. one you do not have to keep living. you are too wondrous. for one life.

feel it. the thing that you don't want to feel. feel it. and be free.

i have been facing a lot of my hidden feelings & demons here. i have been freeing myself.

they loved me in pieces

in sequels and trilogies

in songs and stories

in ideas and concepts

but never whole.

i am beginning to come home to myself as i should and listen more closely to the truth. i am not just what i do - not even just what i think - but i am also a unique expression of my parents' genes. i have spent my whole life running from this, just to now finally run towards it. i am an offspring. i spring forward in the summer. i am a river drifting toward one great big sea. i am a brief dreamer. i came from a truly unknown plane where i had no say. but that does not matter because i am a miraculous actuality. nothing is more comforting than this undeniable presence. and the beauty of understanding it. coming back to family. coming back home. coming back to me.

i have arrived & i am ready.

my voice, not just as my voice, but as an echo of all those that came before me. how affirming this is.

HEAVEN ALL AROUND ME

people grow when they are loved well. if you want to help others heal, love them without an agenda.

healing has been so freeing.

the next step: figuring out how to undo this inherent guilt.

be aware of how your voice dominates spaces.

how much space you are taking up

take note:

when do you feel big in a space?

when do you feel small?

how big are you actually? (vs just how big/small you feel?)

closure like collision

i remind myself that anything i repeatedly imagine is also imagining me

October

movement.

there is no way around complexity. everything is touching and leaving (its stain, shadow, mark, vibration) in passing.

we live such residual lives, like the ocean tides.

we seek communities that might best master the mess of it. and yet, the way we are deeply alone in our minds- that is its own kind (of art, mess, playground, salvation).

the heart told us about oscillation, showed us what a throbbing web of nerves is able to accomplish.

there is no way around the intricacies of humans being. of energy being.

i'm nothing if not forthcoming / i tell you / i show you / i give you me freely / if it's wasted on you, then that's on you / i give up making it my problem / i give up making demands / you lose / you win / whatever you want / we will sleep fine at night / won't we / i will keep my heart sweet / won't i / i'm nothing if not healing / i tell you / i show you / i feel you / i heal you / we will keep our love sweet / won't we

it's been a while, so the smoke travels down our legs slowly, and it feels like we are taking root. we share cold mango juice to stave off the humidity and the cottonmouth. sometimes our fingers interlock like the tree roots, in the middle of the night. the clouds rid us of our names. we are down to our breath and our skin and a conversational silence, lit at the bud's end. blooming at the center.

this weekend was...

paradise

a trip

a journey

climax

cloud 9 and everything above it

freedom

this weekend i let go

i let myself do what i never do. i let myself feel and fall

i've held on for too long. the price to pay is a heavy one, but it is all worth it. for that sweet taste of sensation after falling into temptation. for that sweet sweet lovin you love on me with. even if just for a day. it sustains me for months. it stays with me for years. the love we encounter carries us. but you must let yourself fall into it's hands, let it hold you & console you tightly. feel the way it heals, patches up wounds and lets them reveal the beauty underneath. fresh flesh reveals itself. heals itself. "there are bits of god inside all of us" he tells me as we speak of our natural healing tendencies and our strength and resilience as we make it up this final stretch of a mountain. our legs on the brink of giving up but our minds not letting us. our hearts just catching up. "everything is connected when you really think of it"

there is always someone to love.

that someone is me

a study:

did you leave my life better than you found it?

did i leave your life better than i found it?

distance/absence makes the heart fonder/grow the fuck up

Ubuntu

intention behind creation

(?)

growth at the expense of what?

our parents think they always do whats best for us but they fuck up along the way. and that becomes a reflection on us. how we deal with it on both ends determines whether that mirror reflection shatters or gets mended.

we are just enough. we've come such a long way. we may not have had the right examples of love but we have grown and nurtured ourselves to a point where we love people in a way that sticks.

midnight rain and the thought of your hands in my hair. i pillow my head on whispering darkness that envelopes me like a sheet, while i search blind for your light. extend my hands in volition, in surrender, to feel your body crystalline against mine. tell you how limestone tastes under the weight of years. all those lives calcified. meanwhile, time is running, reaching around the moon for me tonight. she knows the spaces between artery and vein, in spaces between depth and vain, the in and out of heated blood, the in and out of beating blood. meanwhile, on the horizon, lighting licks the mountains into a brisk and subtle start. you sleep by open windows to let the thunder and lightning lull you into quiet. i lie awake with constellations tucked between me, touching nameless skin, giving name to this life we live under and in.

sometimes the only way onward is inward

a word:

i don't think we (as a culture) fully understand how hard it is for artists to exist in 2 realms:

reality and whatever the universe is where we constantly travel to find inspiration, imagination, concepts, etc. we often find ourselves battling depression and at war with ourselves because we're not really equipped to go on the human part of this journey while time traveling between the two. it's weird. i don't know how to explain it fully because we're like here but at the same time we're always elsewhere. and people don't know how to accept that. and shit, sometimes, neither do we. but this shit is so real man.

the question accompanying the poet like her shadow under the sun is: who am i to be so alone? who am i if i am not with another? the demand for another is always mute but piercing. all these texts ask for another and all the poets ask for another, but not so much another person as so much another tongue, another language, even for a foreign language perhaps, because the essence of poetry is to find strangeness in language.

"tiring

yet inspirational

warrior"

-cory

today feels still and spiraling and solid all in one. it's been a reflective time and now its go time.

i'm grateful for the work i do. i'm learning a ton.

i have to remind myself, as i look around my life, that this position is temporary. i fear sometimes that i'll be stuck here reliving the same day until i die. all my life, folk have called this stability. without a plan for elevation, that's stagnation. i've been quiet for the past few days, planning, and praying, and listening to myself. tuning in. is this a turning point or a tuning point? you decide

there's nothing about this, or perhaps everything about this, is poetic. i'm trying to stay focused on growing into the very best version of myself amidst all the movement that is my life. some moments are overwhelming. some, you sit in the center and remind yourself how beautifully solid you are.

when the right energy comes around you

the wrong energy gets nervous

an unhealed person can find offense in pretty much anything someone does.

a healed person understands that the actions of others has absolutely nothing to do with them.

every day, you get to decide which one you will be.

so we're sitting in a tent in darling at 5 am with a group of people who were complete strangers just a few days before (Ayanda, Tando, Chat) and once starts speaking in Afrikaans and the other responds in Tsutu and another answers in Xhosa and they're having a full conversation across so many different tongues. and understanding each other through it all. and i look up and the moon is tucking away under a brighter sky. and once again, it hits me that i'm here. i'm in the middle of south africa. i'm tripping the fuck out. such is the beauty of language. of life. of journey. this shit is so beautiful, i almost can't believe i'm in it. all the love & light.

once you have flown,

you will walk the earth

with your eyes turned skyward;

for there you have been

there you long to return

-leonardo da vinci

of all the people in the world, you talk to yourself more than anyone. make sure you are saying the right things. in the right ways.

travel is not reward for working, it's education for living. - anthony bordain

i've come to understand and accept, after years of famishing my joy on a diet of self-excusing grievances and fighting against the sweet and bitter aroma of purpose, that life is in fact gorgeous. even when it is making beauty out of our ugliest ingredients. i think of this now, this moment, i am on the cusp of manifesting gods in the presence of my enemies. this, while the world i know-the me that i knew is commanding change and death (the only things guarunteed)- a carving away of unhealthy thoughts and habits. i know we're taught through various trendy doctrines to point the finger at the world, but let me be honest here: i am the only enemy i have ever known.

this fire of death & life has happened so many times and i just wasn't ripe enough to humble myself to its knife. the demand to remain present during the discomfort in your shoulders as wood and wounds meets ceramic and regrets, as the anxiety about a pledged future churn through your mind, is just as beautiful.

i don't believe it's too late. i do know that i have to plant myself, learn all the things i didn't know and unlearn all the things i thought i knew. i know that i don't need to hang out in hopes of tasting community or family cuz i'm feeding myself. i don't need validation cuz the recipes are already laid out in front of/ inside of me. life ain't perfect, but the truth is, nothing can stop you from forgiving yourself and healing, but you. nothing can make you know, beyond a feeling, that you're deserving of every good & perfect gift that you are blessed with. there is nothing, not a goddamn thing that can devour a hungry soul.

and for that, stay bold & keep going.

the woman that i'm becoming gives me chills. i'm obligated to move differently. i have work to do.

me sharing my story allowed me to grow away from it. with every book i sell, comes the realization that...it's just a story. even though it's mine. i have books circulating the entire world right now. i let it go. and i'm still building upon it.

your entire life can change in just one year. you just gotta love yourself enough to know you deserve more, be brave enough to demand more, and be disciplined enough to actually work for more.

you won't always be motivated, which is why you have to be disciplined.

i am mastering motivation. and i've come pretty close. motivation is everywhere but it has to find you working. i've been working nonstop here and it has found me repeatedly. continuously. exhaustively.

next to conquer: discipline.

until you flip your perception on its head, you'll be stuck in the same position

vision keeps growing clearer but i keep losing focus. gotta change my lens maybe

what if i picked up the pace?

what if i actually started running the race?

what kind of media are you taking in?

throwback to this gem from stephen: "i don't want you to experience disappointment for disappointment's sake. i want you to experience disappointment for what it feels like the next day"

saron: "people need to realize that your existence isnt to be their escape route"

if the heart isnt in it, the blood doesn't flow

how repetition has grounded me

through words

through gestures

through experiences

worry bout yourself and don't worry bout nobody

take care of yourself and take care of your body

restructure & reroute

pay attention to your heart / never go astray

closure is an unknown variable. always. i always have to heal without it. always. nothing helps except time. and it can't be rushed. if it takes a thousand days, if it takes consecutive journal pages asking why to an unresponsive reason, so be it. until the scar fades. until a reinvigorated life overwrites the old one. i go forward with the wound open.

feeling for harmony between the ridges

what are you taking personally instead of taking as an indication of what to heal, bring to consciousness, and bring into therapeautic spaces?

if it hurts, it needs your attention. tend to your pain points.

wish everyone the best cuz i know where i'm headed

woman as appendage

woman as appendix

a soft & pursed smile

a soft & cursed smile

the thing i came for:

the wreck and not the story of the wreck

the thing itself and not the myth

the drowned face always staring toward the sun

not all loneliness can or should be filled or fixed. some of it should continue to exist exactly as it does. solitude is the default state. there is a single presence here: self-recognition. i am alive, and that all i truly know for sure.

or.

the default state is community. my first village was my mother. my second was the landscape. my third was the village that carried my three year old body. i was gifted with loneliness the morning i was born and torn from her womb. when i seek communion, i am dreaming of the womb from the beginning- before i was a name or number- where life chose us. it is a series of solitude which follows that first choosing.

but.

sometimes i miss you anyway. i dream of linking our loneliness, forming a single presence through the filling. love as a filling of sorts. we are deeply alive, and love is how we taste our first choosing together. you remind me of the beginning of time

this month is full of aweh's and yebo's

i love how this language always affirms people

they have words for "i hear you" "i see you" "i feel you"

ingesi is how you say english in isiXhosa & in Yoruba

gesi means electricity in zulu

· slowly uncovering/creating what my name means every day

so i recently found out that my book, my baby will be featured on a syllabus at the University of Cape Town to be studied as a subject of American & cultural literature & poetry. I don't yet have the words for how powerful this is or how I feel or how this is beyond my wildest dreams. I am beyond honored that my work has not only landed but is to be studied in one of my new beloved homes of Cape Town. You know, you start writing your story and one day, you muster up the courage to share it in hopes that someone will relate and it will help heal them as it is healing you. But it's a whole different game when you begin to get asked for it, when people are seeking it, when people are studying it. It's an inexplicable feeling. I don't have a lot of words right now except for these: I am so blessed. To the students that will be studying my narrative while I fly back halfway across the world: you are who I do this for. It is people like you that keep me going. People like you who, when I stop along my journey and crippling self doubt asks "am I really supposed to be here? what am I really doing? why doesn't my progress look like anyone else's?", it is you that answers. that affirms me. To the culture(s) that raised me: you are who I do this for. To put lil ol' Albania on the map as a place rich in culture and people & let em know we have a story to tell too. To help us find our voices. To my third culture kin: to remind everyone you can be both Albanian & Brooklyn & you don't have to pick your identity. To my beloved friends that have become family: you are who I do this for. for, your endless hypeman antics keep me going. & your incredibly talented spirits keep me inspired & motivated. To my parents: you are who I do this for. Trust & believe. The point is, knowing and staying true to yourself & your journey can get you through anything, and take you to heights you may have never imagined. And I stil can't believe any of it. Because I took off the earth crust and flew. Because I am still landing. Because all the while, my support system keeps my moving spirit grounded. I am in a place of unshakeable peace and happiness as I vow to live my truth wholeheartedly & unapologetically. The power in our stories is something that cannot be measured until it is released. If you asked 3 year old Gesi if she could have ever imagined something like this, she would tilt her head back, releasing an uproar of disbelief and laughter. & then go climb some mountain somewhere. Here's to soaring. Here's to our release, to our healing. Here's to our dreams surpassing themselves. Thank god, thank self for finally becoming who I've wanted to be all along. The woman I'm becoming is scaring me and I'm loving every second of it. All this to say, I am in love. All this to say, how far I am. All this to say, colors in every direction.

November

how is cape town framed to the foreigner?

what kinds of tensions are around you right now?

what is your tension?

what are your resistance practices?

we want to get all our ends of the story

you are building an archive of perspectives here

anything i do going forward has to water me back

you don't break habits; you only replace them

an era of release

fears that go unfaced become limits

and i am letting go to make room for my breathing

we often forget to make room for the things we need most; the things that keep us alive.

we don't think about breathing so we don't make room for it. to change this

#gratitudeistheattitude

the question is: how do i want to live the rest of my life and what am i doing to insure that i get to do it exactly or as close as possible to how i want that living to be? i want to live the rest of my life, however long or short, with as much sweetness as i can decently manage, loving all the people i love, and doing as much as i can of the work i still have to do. i am going to write fire until it comes out my ears, my eyes, my nose--everywhere! until it's every breath i breathe. i'm going to go out like a fucking meteor!

i want to live as shamelessly as possible. i want the full lightness of freedom. i want the orgasmic quality of being who and what i am.

and i want to be enjoyed or left alone. nothing in between.

words are our timekeepers. our balconies overlooking our lives. our conversations. our merging

woke up wine drunk and happy. woke up to a joint rolled and ready. woke up to a lover laying next to me. woke up to a cup of tea. woke up at 4 am to the hoxha singing prayers from the mosque. woke up and felt my gramps spirit. woke up and cried in a spiritual experience. woke up and fed my soul. woke up in love. woke up in a tree house. fell asleep & woke up to a new life every time i opened my eyes. two lovers in Bo Kaap

(a short story that reads in both words & pictures, forwards & backwards)

listening to Hookers on the corner and almost missed my light

· almost missed my light these past few weeks

· had to remind/remember who i am and why i am.

Goddess of Growth

keeps showing up

i welcome her with open arms every time.

jupiter last travelled through your 9th house from late 2006-7.

what did you learn?

where did you travel?

what did you publish, seek, and find to be true for you then?

what similar growth spurt are you experiencing now?

how is your current exploration, expansion, or learning a continuation of that time?

everything good and long-lasting requires our effort. yours is needed but whatever you give to yourself at this moment is matched by the universe's benevolence

the 12th house is also about the work we do behind the scenes, this transit is especially beneficial to anything in its creative incubation. protect it. expand inward with it. watch your inner life for inspiration. keep watching the ways in which your projects take shape when given the right space to safely grow

bad energy (stay far away)

keep my shades on cuz they tryna see the vision

homie said greatness and nothing was the same

i told him i need some space

real busy body, never stay in one place

in the past week, a couple of different guys have confessed love/strong feelings for/to me. & along with all the other heavy shit going on around me right now i'm caught in a whirlwind of overwhelming male energy. and so i had to step away for a while. i've had to use the past few weeks to really ground myself. the universe is testing me in the space i'm in right now. there is some overwhelming aggressive negative energies around right now. this is her testing how my grounding is. because i'm still floating. but i had to come back down. she wants to know just how hard i've worked at grounding and healing.

there's also a lot of new energies around. some of them feel quite destructive. this is her testing how i will react/respond/move accordingly.

i am just in a space where if you are coming into my life to interrupt or distract me in any way, just stay away. don't come in at all. no interruptions or distractions welcome.

i enjoy most things. almost everything. yet i have some restless searcher in me. why is there not a discovery in life? something one can lay their hands on and say "this is it". perhaps i've felt it before and haven't known. perhaps i've felt it too many times that it becomes numb and unknown. my depression is a harassed feeling. i'm looking: but that's not it--that's not it. what is it then? and shall i die before i find it? can i live for it? then, as i was walking through rondebosch square last night, i see the mountains in the sky, the great clouds, and the moon which is risen over cape town. i think of how the sun rises over the city & sea and sets behind the mountains & into the sea. i wonder what kind of intimacy that must be. those last few moments of glimmer and light before she tucks away below the horizon into another world. those first few moments when the sky darkens to the moon's light. let's it shine bright. i wonder what kind of intimacy that must be. i have a great and astonishing sense of something there, which is "it". it is not exactly beauty that i mean. it is that the thing is in itself enough; satisfactory; achieved. a sense of my own strangeness walking on the earth is there too: of the infinity oddity of the human position; trotting alone rondebosch square with the moon up there watching over me and the clouds sitting like a tablecloth atop the mountain peaks. who am i, what am i, why am i, and so on: these questions are always floating about in me, and it is only when i am flying that i have a sense of an answer. and then, i bump against some exact fact-- a letter, a person, and come to them with a great sense of freshness. and so it goes on. but on this showing, which is true, i think, i do fairly frequently come upon this "it", and then feel quite at peace.

you never know what the child's reaction is going to be: either break down or the child emerges solid as a rock from the experience

he wanted to fuck her once, but that doesn't mean much. that's the laziest desire. a flimsy thing. she wanted her soul sucked clean. she wanted something as tough as god. could not find it among men but hoped still, for the next best thing.

she wanted it to be you.

i am not in a rush to do anything anymore

depression is what it sounds like. and beyond. it is a sinking of sorts. it is a darkening. it is a gradual thing but also something that knocks one day and enters without asking. you feel the downward spiral as you bore through the earth of your life, surrounded on all sides by sullen ideas too thick to get out of. that happens slowly and without much effort over the course of what could be months or years. and before you know it, the very shape of your breathing has changed. this is what i know.

but i also know that healing is possible. but it happens slowly and takes twice as much effort. whereas depression feels like a falling, healing is a digging and pulling. it is digging into the deepest parts of your soul so you can finally face them. i forget that it took years to bury myself inside my sorrow and it could take years to climb back up into my light. but that is my time to take. perhaps i'm not ready to break my heart in new ways. and perhaps it will be a while before i'm dancing every day again. but no longer do i shy away from the shadow of where i've been.

i've started dancing almost daily again. tonight, i danced with her, with all this earth around me, tasting every trace of light within me.

i look for ways to say i love you but i ain't into makin love songs

i'm findin it hard to settle i want it all forever

summer in november darling

what's your november?

cafes are where i process the world around me

losing my fucking mind but chilling at the same time

I shouldn’t bleed this good or often

all i am is everything and nothing at all

all i am is a shoulder for your heart to lean on

all i am is love

processing...

slowing down...

there is a wave of loss and grief coming over the people in my life again. we are all tuned into it and the synchronicity is this overwhelming but also comforting feeling. the universe is trying to teach us something here. about attachment. about letting go. about releasing. about healing. it is an era of release all over again. which is a frequency i've been riding throughout this year, but this time the wave hit me quite hard because the loss is more tangible. but it has gotten me to look at things differently. as my time in south africa slowly draws to a close, i have been thinking about the proper steps to transition myself out of here and back to new york. the difference in cape town is, i don't feel a temporality in it, like i do with every other place i go. i have truly made a home for myself here and it is grounding point just as much as it is a moving/flying point. but maybe this is what i needed. there has been a really aggressive energy surrounding me these past few weeks and maybe this is the doing away of it. can't tell if i'm numb or calm at this point but i'm hoping its the latter. i'll see better in retrospect. but for the time being, maybe this marks the beginning of this era of release. at the end of the day i'm still livin and lovin and everything in between. love & light.

sun is alone too. still shines.

i'm most upset about the ideas i lost in that phone. the cape town overheards amongst other shit. art ideas and projects. i am glad though that i'm such a journal freak and that i have scatters of jounrnal thoughts spread in multiple books and online thoughts. but. lesson learned. backing up is extremely important. beyond that, it is a lesson in inspiration, motivation & discipline. which have been themes i've been meditating on a lot lately. inspiration & motivation are everywhere, but they have to find you working. discipline, however is what you gotta build to make leeway for the rest to flow through. an opening of sorts.

feet hurt today. they are asking me for more grounding.

the tools you created to survive won't serve you when it's time to thrive

we create defense mechanisms to shield us against the trauma of our youth but they can be damaging once we are out of those situations & will often lead to self sabotage

closure doesn't come. there is only an ever-growing distance between then and now. and the old thing is interwoven an overwritten

the answer is still the same:

you won't get what you want till you work on what you need

at your best, you are love

you're a positive motivating force in my life

though this feeling of solitude is familiar, the strength that allows me to embrace it is refreshing and new

i got angels

invoking the angels in times of need. for guidance. for protection. you can't move how you've always moved. like everything is just as normal as it used to be. because it just isn't.

recognize how you shift the space of a room when you walk into it. recognize that for who you are. as much as i just want to be normal and move as such the universe keeps showing me that things aren't what they used to be. and how i see myself is not how people see me. and so i gotta move differently. suddenly my identity shifts into this liminal space in a venn diagram between how i see myself and how people see me. and once again, i'm caught in between.

bottom line is, believe in yourself

i've got too much love within me to choose being bitter and closed off. i've just got to be more careful and selective with who i dispense my love to.

i'm sure there's a lesson in all this but it's so hard to keep tuning in cuz i'm so fucking exhausted

nothing says focus like distance

i know i have something to tend to

tis the season

[feelings redacted]

sometimes the universe will take everything away so that all we have left is trust

making my mother miserable by creating something that will make her proud

the words may escape us but it is the knowing that matters. It is the knowing that creates our adventure. (harris)

love yourself so that when love comes it is not a stranger

do your best, leave the rest

can’t take care of every fucking thing

December

just read the signs its clear to see

to heal, it takes some time

woke up in the sky

harris running through the hall into the door with his hands full of things yelling "where is my girl?!" is a feeling i want to feel forever. so much joy. so much warmth. everything is forgotten except for each other's company.

my least favorite thing is having to answer to people. i dream of a world where i can live and be myself wholeheartedly and not have to worry about answering to no one. a world where i can disappear for a while and not have to constantly update people. how freeing. how freeing that i am slowly creating this world for myself.

i aint askin why no more

taking it all if its mine

i never did know how to stay within the lines

only knew how to fly

bullets that don’t carry the names they take with them

all this chatter bout movement / tell me something by doin it

I ain’t been comfortable / that’s bad for the soul

albums of 2018: flower boy, saturation I II III,

astroworld, kamau's urth,

finally flipped my perception and got in the drivers seat and driving on my own side at my own pace.

and now i have to leave the space that helped me do this. while also carrying everything it taught me with me

for the first time in a long time, my heart and soul are in the same space that i occupy physically

"so who's the lucky man?"

"hahaha nobody. i'm the lucky woman. i belong to myself, first and only."

· i hate how people assume that happiness and joy and carefreeness is attached to a belonging to a man. fuck that i been making myself happy this whole time.

all of a sudden, the people i been admiring from afar for years, this year i have been attracting. it's not even a forced or predictable thing. it's a gravitational energy thing. when your energy is right, the right people (some who you would've never thought) come into your life and contribute to it.

i switched the time zone, but what do i know?

i could fly home with my eyes closed

and you could find me, i ain't hiding

almost got stuck in oblivion

exoticism under a microscope

my soul swollen

my wallet empty

either way you golden

GoLD [moving STiLL]

feeling kamau's energy heavily lately

our time together was brief but so intense [as everything with me tends to be]

but the energy exchanged there has stayed with me. and continues to show up randomly when i need it most

feeling MuRiN most in times of transition

i just let it go

we don't ever know

where its gonna go

we go with the flow

we just let it go

i already know

that we're gonna grow

like the way the world goes round

funny how it all comes down

figuring out how to cultivate and encompass longevity

cuz darling i wake up just to sleep with you

i hate when people disappoint me. and i don't get disappointed easily.

it's just like fuck man.

i dropped so many guys for you. cuz you showed me better and then i didn't care for them because they didn't fulfill me the way you did. but i never told you/showed you that part cuz it didn't matter. all that matters is that i showed up for you. time and time again. and you left me hanging. time and time again. now i'm tired. & you're timeless.

i'm not even mad really. i'm just fuckin sad. like i gotta say bye to all the love i've built here. and the people involved are just making it harder. i don't understand why guys always act up before i leave. i wish they would just fucking be normal so we can enjoy the time we have left fully. instead of, i feel like i always spend the last week or so trying to mend weird energy and arguments so we can part ways on a good foot. but my feet are fucking tired. and so is my heart. i just wish people were as kind and understanding with their love.

and just stop being so fucking petty man. like i get it i'm leaving. but we been knew this. for months. we knew this before we even started things. so why let that stop us now? can't let that end us before we end ourselves. can we just be grown about transitions and departures? can we talk about it? can we communicate our emotions through the process? can we let it be a natural flowing process? can you ask me how i'm doing in the midst of it? instead of disregarding the tough shit and creating more for me to deal with. can we just groove? you see the way we make each other move? fuck all that other noise. at the end of the day, it's just you and me, for as long as can be. until one of us has to leave. until then, can we let that be?

i'm always leaving. that's always the cut off. i'm always leaving one place and off to another. i wish that didn't always get in the way. i crave a lover who is willing to understand that.

· the only thing i crave is people that love and understand my moving spirit without trying to change it

heavy influx of emotions this morning as i work through the growing pains of leaving again.

gratitude as grounding

i've got love all over me. written all over me. hanging all over me. wear my love on my sleeve

not the whole heart, but in parts.

to think of all the parts of my heart

the parts that ground. that strengthen. that heal. that love.

imagine that. all in one organ. all flowing through me. relentlessly.

how can i not be in love with life?

i think it's time to step away from this space to fully understand and contextualize what this all means for me. i have my work cut out for me. i need to understand what this all means for me so i can do the work to bring myself back here. i know now that cape town is part of my journey. it is a home base for me. a grounding point just as much as a moving point

"make sure you stay soulfully grounded in this transition. and keep your inner compass intact"

i said greatness

& nothing was the same

free till i evaporate

my whole body see thru

been crying every day for the past week. let these tears be the fertilizer for the growth that is about to take place.

loss as a release to make room for the gift of abundance

2018 has been a year of so much loss/release

i know there is much abundance coming my way that the universe is making room for.

i also know i have to put in the work for it

"i'm happy for each day that i see you smile. such comfort and a blessing. a good source of strength."

Response/title "i'm trying to feel again"

a whatsapp convo between terrence and his sister

you already writing the story, might as well a book right? why not?

same time tomorrow

overheard: "i pray every day or at least talk to god. and its like i'm always begging for immortality"

they never bothered to understand me until i understood myself

they only listen when you speak your soul

they only see you when you see yourself

break bread with me

better yet, bake bread with me

we be so worried about how much we need the dough

we forget the little things we need to know

like how to knead the dough

if done properly it won't spread so thin when your people show

here i am.

i'm grateful for the aura of protection that allows me to explore my creativity and time on this earth. i'm grateful for believing in myself and my own potential. i'm grateful for the love that guides and carries me

DONT LET ANYONE TELL YOU THAT YOU CANT DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT

all the energy i used to give you

i now give to myself

GODSPEED

tan lines on my back, my life startin to feel like a special occasion. these past 6 months felt like a vacation. standing between the mountains, the city, and the sea, i finally see myself. i found gesi. now we steady flowing into eternity. when i say we makin waves, i'm talkin wavelengths and vibrations. movement is the only option, never stagnation.

give me pollination not validation

you might stop howling & become the moon

"when we were outside you were all different and more composed. soon as we step in you sit down lean back and say 'yeah bruv whats good? light that shit' and i just think thats really dope"

people often comment on the distinction between my public and private self, but the fact of the matter is that the course of my journey forces me to have the two and balance the two. i can't just be transparently me all the time because there's always people watching. and to leave myself entirely open is to be vulnerable to many energies that can interrupt my own.

navigating public spaces requires a sense of sensitivity and confidence. communication between you and your surroundings is pivotal to feeling like you are allowed to belong. understanding that space can only be accessed through a certain level of moral integrity and not through entitlement or ego. but to also understand your energy is special and not for everyone and then to let that shit g(r)o(w)

help me understand the responsibility of masculinity

what we lack in father figures

we make up through masculinity

and measure in figures

perpetuating a system that only hurts

you & me

let me teach you how

your vulnerability is a masterpiece

it's hard to stop my movement when i'm already in motion

always grinding

always grounded

being true to yourself is nothing short of revolutionary

special shoutout to mzi for being there for us. for praying for our safety. for loving and caring for us the way he does. he is truly such a special spirit in my life.

special shoutout to us. me and orjada. me and my sister. we are fucking champs for handling it the way we did. we didn't let go of each other no matter how much they tried to separate us. who knows how things would have turned out if they did. we screamed to the top of our fucking lungs and managed to protect our things and ourselves with minimal damage. our timing was divine. the universe still looked out for us.

i seriously need to tune into what the universe is trying to tell us lately. about loss, release, attachment. about the spaces we find ourselves in. about feeling like we are just normal people leading just normal lives but knowing we are too different for that to be true. and most of all, about grounding.

shoutout to the way we came home and talked about it till our hearts were sore so we wouldn't let fear and trauma fester.

i hate the way trauma instills a permanent kind of fear. that makes you scared to do anything at all.

it's been so long since i've had to unpack and process trauma. but we've gotten through much worse so i know we can get through this.

They have nothing of ours. We have everything intact

all women with sob stories. know trauma. have heard his echos one too many times. i want to scrub him off of her body. want to give her her body back. i wil whisper any hymn to you. what would you like to hear. whisper "he didn't take anything from you" until it becomes yours always. i will sit on shattered glass with you. bleed. we can laugh at all the puzzled poems our trauma can make together. say a thing out loud. ask a stupid question like: can i make a complaint to tinder for letting mold grow on the edges of my homegirl's bed? see the thing is it is not stupid. her body just wont get an answer. if she sees her body growing dirt, we will make soil our friend. we will tend to the growth that needs to take place. pain as fertilizer instead of the dirt itself. all of deforested trees leave roots. so i vow that we will grow something in this waterless patch. become the water ourselves one night and cry, pouring into each other. scream into the sunset that i love you and you didn't deserve it. scream that a man aint anything but a thing that only knows taking. never just talking about a man. never will rush you into another man and never will not smile if you ever let a man touch you again. see how proud i am of you. home girl had the audacity to wear yellow. do you know how brave yellow tastes after blood spills everywhere and you call no one? when i say call me, what i mean is 911 won't come for us. what i mean is i got you. what i mean is we all know emergency, say hello to our bodies. what i mean is turn on blue lights before the sirens come. bruises in place of the absence of blue lights. how our bodies manage to fill voids if the thing itself cannot save us. spill everywhere. i love you all soil and waterfall. yellow and the bleeding. fuck 911 and call me. what i mean is i am sorry. i want his head on my lap. what i mean is i am sorry. i am tired of violence being non negotiable when violence is all we're asked to swallow. i want to hold his mother's hand. i want your smile and you in yellow even if it brings the bleeding. the bleeding wasn't supposed to come for you. the bleeding wasn't supposed to come for you. but it will promise all of the exit. watch the body in its healing. wash the body in its healing. a baptism of sorts. watch. as the body expands until it becomes an exit. an exodus. and now there is a new us eclipsing what once was.

people don't understand themselves enough to show that to you and you can't take that seriously or personally. gotta leave em and let em grow up on their own

you ever wake up and remember what you're capable of?

what you heal with your origin story, you heal in your present and future

the solstice full moon marks a moment where you get to witness the distance that you've traveled. the marks that your journey has left upon you can now be worn with pride. you earned these tattoos and you've got a tale to tell about them

it's hard to understand what we're capable of until we risk leaving behind what we've always known

know i gotta keep it safe

tho i'll never let it lead me stray

same time, keep a sane mind

sane mind keep a safe mine

mine mine, keep it safe

people take, i ain't never seen a sane mine

i ain't ever made sweet

i ain't ever been tamed

& i ain't afraid to let you see my teeth

too many minds

in these media land mines

we must be careful how we use our imagination

wonder how i'm always so scared of falling but never of flying

to come to realize

but to fly is to fall when the sky is the floor

he says / you are so gullible / so naive / so going to take all of this and swallow it / there's no other choice / he says be strong like the woman i know you to be / i never knew how loud he spoke / until i suffocated in his screams / he says there are many women that have raised me / to not just thank my mother / says it takes a village / says there are many ways to raise a child / you musn't be so picky / why do i ask for a number still? / i always let curiosity get the best of me / until its the worst of me / he says he still doesn't know their anniversary / says i dont remember which day she was given to me / give and take all the same / whats a date and a number to a no-name? / he says lets talk about this later / later never comes / i know all too well how these conversations weave and waver till they come undone / he says you know / what my father did to my mother / this is beyond your time / do not call this abuse / you would know abuse if you felt it / i no longer know where the line between a promise and a threat would split / he says we will never split / it's not in our culture / you have no idea what the fathers in this lineage have been through / i watch as he becomes his father now / he is his father now / his father is his father now / his father is his father now / all these missing fathers falling into abandoned parenthood / filling the void of where the word family once stood

longing seeps in her eyes / in my eyes / longing sweats from the palms / and flies around our stomachs / i drip out extend / i trip out and pretend / that it is all normal / holding memory / hold it right in front of her / longing smiles back / tries to tell me he loves me / i listen to a whisper / i hear nothing / love makes this instead / puddle / drown out a voice that goes unheard of / we never hear it but we swim in it / we swim good

let's run from / to love like that

like gentle / like too soft

like pure

like walls / full of corners

where we hide / want the kind

of love / of exhaustion

that congests homes / hoards memories

tell me / name it / her

speak her dreams & nightmares

let's run

speak with / sleep with

not hide / run from corners

to love like

like tired / like boil / like spiral / like chaos

into safety

i feel safe in rough / in the midst of your war / in the midst of your arms

love me like this

i like love like this / like fire

and we call no one / let it burn love

this is not toxic / not alarming

just gonna burn these walls to the ground

and we breathe

and we burn

and we love

maybe they'll recognize my absence. that's the goal. to leave an imprint wherever i go.

Gotta keep makin waves till the tide brings us back to the cape

the childhood shows the man / as morning shows the day

the confusion is a part of it. don't give up on yourself. see it through

clarity is coming

processing

...

braiding

...

understanding

regain your privacy

I want to roam slowly and wildly across the world without embarrassment of my place in it.

the main thing i recieved this holiday season was a hint of clarity. nothing changes your life quite like the truth

in the past year i've grown so much and also gotten so much younger.

this year has taken & added years on my life

don't need nobody new to miss

already miss so many people

have had to miss so many people cuz i had to dip on so many people

I remember the night sky after my last day at work. It was a deep Marine Blue. It smelled felt like freshly clothes without dryer sheets, it tasted like freedom, it was bitter and sweet.

I will always remember that blue and that feeling.

-kamau on MuRiN

we move some things

we shake some things

we from out of town

we don't settle down

but now i own my days

and now i own my ways

i'd rather be hungry than have a hungry soul

i hate love but in a crazy way

you know whats good

so why do you get carried away my love

just let go of sorrow

like theres no tomorrow

cuz tonight might be your last

so stay up till sunrise

wipe the tears from your eyes

leave it in the past

why love when its free and does no harm?

rhythm in the fucking bones

daddies that were never there

and grannies raised the strongest ones

so opposites attract and leave

and heartbroke in my tendencies

"" she says to me gently while wrapping the khanga around me.

"listening to the ancestors is the first step to wisdom"

whenever i wear the khanga, i feel an invincible cloak of protection. i wore it into the Moroccan cities and desserts. while driving through the driver points out that we're driving through a Berber village. the berber people are nomads. they tend to spread through the mountains and by the sea.

With the Berberi last name in my bloodline, i feel an ancestral pull to this space. it took endless questions and conversations later to uncover their original name isn't Berberi, it's Amazingh.and so the story goes, the romans came in and renamed them Berber as an insinuation of a barbaric people. and so the story goes, these are the same romans that changed my grandfathers last name from Basha to Cinari because the original was too threatening. Basha is a mayoral figure in Berber. There is a ever too frequent history of people trying to colonize native peoples because they feel threatened, and we know that story all too well. But the name remains. Amazingh by the way, means "free people". I come from a free people. what better way to approach closure but with clarity? I come from a free people. of course, i'm such a free spirit. of course, i'm always moving, pulled by the wind, the mountains, and the sea. and i got a sweet spot for a good city. i'm just living in my ancestor's wildest dreams. and so the story goes, i had to go all around the world just to find my ancestors in the mountains. the same mountains that birthed me. i come from a free people and that is the intention i move into everything with accordingly. i am the manifestation of my ancestors wildest imagination. what a blessing to bask in it and tasked with the job of being an echo for it all.

i met so many cool motherfuckers in cape town

and honestly i'm comin back a cooler motherfucker

because now i understand what is required

this year

these past few months alone

i saw/met my ancestors

i saw/met myself

i saw so many new parts of myself. healed parts i didn't even know were bruised. tended to all the wounds. got in the dirt. felt the fertilizer. freed myself. grew so much and only got younger. and then understood it runs in my ancestral bloodline. i come from a free people.

i am free.

been movin through time zones for the past 6 months. so of course when i get back, imma be movin on a different timing. new times call for new movements.

SICKO MODE is a cape town MOOD. BIG BIG MOOD.

reminds me of every lit as fuck moment/mood/ energy in cape town. daisies, on the way to, we love summer, on the way to. on the way out every night. astroworld. yours truly. waiting room. fiction. lit energy all around. a bunch of cool motherfuckers in a room all grooving to the same energy. all around the world.

cape town was me in SICKO MODE. almost at my prime type energy

i have to make it back to cape town

at 21 i went the fuck off

manifesting everything

this year will be a creative one. moving in with creative energy

fuck the money

if not now, then when?

if not me, then who?

such an emotional transition when i realize i'm not flying back to cape town. i'm going to new york. i wonder how my energy will be received. how i will be received. how it's going to be to return to the same spaces as a whole new person.

at least this i know for sure:

i am coming home anew.

i have arrived at myself, and thus, infinity.

expanding.

everything.

horizons.

hearts.

stomachs.

wings.

switched up the lens before departure/arrival

i belong in the place of my departure

i belong in the place of my destination

-cristina

i'm definitely going to miss the open and honest nature of people there.

khoza told me he loved me that first night. i wonder if he remembers that. or if he even knows he did.

tando means love

ntando means with love

practice no don't ever preach

let your practice do the preachin

feels like the life i need

now feels like the life i needs a lil distant

at least i know what it feels like so i can return to it

at departure, we were already preparing for arrival

to prepare myself for the likely huge wave of depression that may hit me when i realize i'm not in cape town anymore. and the next arrival is unknown.

to do this through discipline. self care practices (yoga once a week at least. exercise once a week at least. writing once a week at least. keep journals on me at all times. keep MY tools on me at all times. pursue projects. keep the good kind of busy not the babson kind of busy. meditate more. take time to yourself. pursue friendships deeper. always. leave the imprint you always do. move quietly but with your own purpose. let your purpose and energy guide you always.)

to process the experience for what it was and be grateful to be so blessed. in processing, to allow myself to re-live. to keep up with cape town. whether it be artists, people, bodies, articles. to surround yourself with love & adventure. to live in the moment and make it worth it while i'm in it.

BUTTERFLY EFFECT

ending song of cape town times.

for this life i cannot change

drop the top

pop it let it bang

this year is described well as butterfly effect.

life is just a maze

goin through all my phases

to touch a tongue that isn't foreign

i can't remember what that feels like

up against the wall / we don't need a title

"you are love"

-mzi

love on the brain

i experienced so much love in cape town. i was surrounded by it. engulfed in it. and so much of it came from me. an abundance from others as well. and i was being loved in the ways that i needed to be. for the first time in a while. the wind hugged me on that side of the world

and now i can depart with sooo much love on me, in me, coursing through me.

it's always good to have something amazing to part with/say goodbye to.

can we burn somethin new?

"and she fuck me and love me all in the same dose"

moving into a new space with a new rhythm.

the loves i experienced here all had a rhythm.

it is carrying me in the transition.

there's so much love in the air and that's always appreciated. misery loves company but my pack provides positivity and prosperity

#journal wrap up #freedom writing #thoughts #good energy #2018

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