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quicklikelight · 2 months

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... In light of the last thing I reblogged, since I'm not actually sure if I ever I ever told folks here...

Mental health/medical diagnosis info under the cut.

I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2010 following the birth of my son. I'd had anxiety, depression, and what I now know is OCD symptoms for years at that point, but they all got much worse after kiddo was born. I believe I've shared here before that I was very ill while pregnant, and nearly died before and during my emergency C-section that bright kiddo into the world. I have very few memories of my pregnancy but the ones I do have are impressed into my brain like the world's most depressing stamp collection: not neat pictures, but deep grooves that form shapes and can be laid over one another to see the cumulative chaos, the terror that I still feel every time someone puts a blood pressure cuff around my arm, the dissociation from my body that I still have because all I can remember was it hurting.

I had cptsd before I ever got pregnant, but my pregnancy made my symptoms so much worse, and a doctor who spoke to me for three seconds gave me the "convenient" diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I was a young woman in college, it was 2010, and he never asked me anything about my life. This diagnosis wasn't corrected until 2022.

I'm sharing this because in the past I frequently blogged about being bipolar. I wasn't bipolar though. What I thought was mania was just my behavior when I was triggered beyond my ability to ignore. What I thought was depression was... Well, it was depression. My life was miserable, my ex is a horrible human being who deserves to be thrown in a deep pit full of snakes, my family hates me and acts like it, I lived in Texas of all places, and on top of that I was working in a dead end job that I couldn't ever seem to escape.

In 2020, I was fortunate enough to move in with my friend LC and her family. We weathered the worst of lockdown together, our children becoming close friends, and I'm grateful for the time, energy, space, and love LC afforded me to begin recovering from a lifetime of wounds.

I'm 2021, I moved to New York state to live with my best friend, my heart's companion, @tofixtheshadows. Dea has been the best partner I could want as I grappled with my changing sense of self, the sheer madness and unreality of what my life used to be. I am so fortunate to call her my best friend and to be able to share my life with someone who knows me and wants to help me be better.

I found a psychiatrist in 2022 who changed my life when she said, "I believe everything you say that happened to you. I think bipolar disorder is a convenient diagnosis for a man to give a traumatized young woman when he isn't interested in doing his job well. You aren't bipolar, Anne. You have PTSD."

I was shocked. I shouldn't have been, since I already knew Dea thought I had PTSD. But it seemed so out of left field to me, that... Well, that maybe there hadn't been anything inherently wrong with me in the first place, as I had been led to believe, but that the years of horrible actions happening around and to me had just taken their toll.

It was liberating. Scary, but good.

I've been working with my psychiatrist and a therapist since to try and build more tolerance, better coping skills, and to process my trauma. It's slow going. Life doesn't stop because I need EMDR. But it's ultimately been so rewarding, and I'm still only in the early stages of the work.

Last year, for basically the first time in my adult life, I was able to go off of all my mood altering medications. I just didn't need them anymore.

I'm still in treatment and working toward goals that will probably take a while. But I am happy. I'm actually happy for the first time in my entire life. And to me, that's pretty much everything.

#about anne

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msweebyness · 1 year

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Class of Heroes AU: Worst Experiences w) Bustier

I know I said I might take a break, but my brain refuses to comply! This is based off an old post by @artzychic27, which they were nice enough to let me use the concept for! These are a lot of the kids’ worst experiences with the “amazing” teacher, Caline Bustier. She is Flora in this AU, the ‘kindest and wisest’ of the good fairies. She believes she is always right and lives in her perfect little bubble world, just like in canon. 🙃 She’s a sh*t teacher there, and being a high-ranking magical authority figure has only made her worse here. She’s a huge reason that around 70% of the royalty and aristocrats at this school believe they can do whatever they want to whoever they want without getting punished! She builds up their egos and gives them special treatment, punishing those who don’t go along with their whims. Feel free to leave thoughts and ideas, as always! (Still thinking of options for Lila and Felix) And credit to the aforementioned artzychic27 and @imsparky2002 as always!

Marinette: Outed the secret that she was never supposed to be at the school in front of everyone while berating her for her clumsiness and lack of social grace, humiliating her.

Adrien: Ridiculed to the point of tears in front of the entire class and forced to change when he came to school with a tiara on, his hair braided with flowers and in a violet flowing long shirt that could resemble a dress at first glance, told to stop acting so feminine.

Alya: Also Reduced to tears from a verbal attack in front if everyone when she came into class late and dissheveled because she had to leave work later and there was heavy traffic, and it was POURING RAIN. Despite the fact that she had called beforehand and gotten clearance.

Max: Yelled at and given two weeks of detention for ‘refusing to help’ his fellow students, which was the story she got from said (royal) students, when in reality they had been beating him up for refusing to do their homework, and the evidence of the violence was CLEARLY visible.

Kim: She’s had him suspended for a week on three different occasions, all originally meant to be expulsion, first for stepping in to defend Max in the aforementioned incident, the second was for damaging school property (He pulled a jammed door off its hinges when a fire broke out in the lab so the students could get out). The last was when he punched a prince who, with a few of his buddies, had cornered HIS princess for refusing his invitation to a ball, forcefully kissing and groping her. (Ondine was upset and crying for hours, but nothing was ever done to punish the boys responsible, despite her being a princess. Misogyny, folks, how ‘bout it?)

Alix: Taken out of class by police and accused of numerous counts of theft, got threatened with charges and jail time despite being a minor with diagnosed kleptomania, who RETURNED WHAT SHE TOOK.

Ivan: Insisted that he carry all the class’ luggage for a grade-level trip into the bus as punishment for ‘threatening’ his peers (He was defending some younger students from some older (royal) bullies.), when (as he and Mylene told her) his back pain was on the far more severe side due to his medication pending a refill, and he ended up collapsing outside the school. (No, she didn’t call for help. She also refused to let Denise or Kim help him despite both offering multiple times.)

Mylene: Forced her to sit through a ‘Parent’s Day’ event that included one-on-one time with her stepmother. Yes, THE WOMAN WHO TRIED TO KILL HER MULTIPLE TIMES IN THE PAST. Insisted that Mylene needed to ‘stop being petty’ and that ‘family means love and forgiveness’.

Juleka: SHE HAD A FREAKING MUZZLE PUT ON HER WHEN SHE WAS HAVING A PANIC ATTACK. She claimed it was ‘for the safety of the other students’ as Juleka was ‘behaving aggressively’.

Sabrina: Gaslighted and guilt-tripped her into singing the song from her old puppet show (the one she still has nightmares about when she was a part of) for a school event, and told her to stop being ‘dramatic’ when she had a nervous breakdown in the middle of the performance.

Nathaniel: Magically erased his entire sketchbook as punishment for him repeatedly falling asleep in class, despite it being a side effect of his curse, which she of all people should know.

Marc: Actively tries to keep him from using and improving his magic, always ‘gently’ reminding him of how dangerous ice magic is, just look at what happened to his poor little brother. We wouldn’t want that again, now would we? She’s also had him locked in a room alone as punishment for losing control. (She DOES NOT care about trauma.)

Zoe: Stood up to Chloe and told her to do her own chores in the main hall, taken aside and harshly scolded for not adhering to and ‘being kind’ to her sister.

Ondine: Refused to allow her to leave class when she was literally SUFFOCATING because a spell-gone-haywire (A spell that reversed any magic-induced physical changes. It also affected Sabrinocchio.) by a disgruntled student temporarily restored her gills and SHE COULDN’T BREATHE, stating that it was ‘improper’, because she couldn’t communicate what was wrong and Bustier wouldn’t listen when the class tried frantically to tell her.

Kagami: Refused to let her enroll in any of the battle or heroism courses due to her being a princess, and humiliated her in front of an entire courtyard of people by berating for not conducting herself ‘as a princess should.’

Reshma: Said and did nothing as her grandmother scolded and even STRUCK her for ‘shaming the family with her behavior’ and daring to defend her giftless younger sister from the woman’s verbal attacks.

Jean: Yelled at in front of the entire school for being a ‘spoiled brat’ and a ‘poor excuse for a ruler’ when he was focusing on a show he was putting together and forgot a small royal gathering.

Denise: Has been suspended multiple times for (accidental and inevitable, with their abilities and strength) destruction of school property, but the worst was when Bustier got them expelled for accidentally breaking Adrien’s arm and collarbone, in the process of SAVING him from a falling oak tree during a nature class outing for their grade level. She claimed they were far too destructive, violent, and dangerous to remain in the school. (*Cough*”Bad Guy” Bias*Cough*) (The decision was reversed due to Adrien insisting that they had saved him, proved though a memory display spell on multiple students, and the fact he was able to heal himself almost immediately after.)

Cosette: Publicly and harshly berated for ‘holding up the rest of the class’ when some fans wanted autographs and pictures during a school field trip. It was only a few people and Cosette had tried to make it as quick as possible without being rude.

Ismael: Had a pair of magical shackles placed on him when his power was flaring up rather badly**, completely ignoring the PTSD from previous finders of his lamp that this gave him. He had to wear them for a week.

* She forces Nino, Aurore and Lacey to fold their wings down so they don’t ‘Distract’ other students, despite it being IMMENSELY painful for younger fairies to do this as those joints aren’t developed yet.

*She actively talks down to any students who are not human or fae like herself, acting as if they are intellectually inferior and require extra guidance and redirection.

**Genie magic is incredibly strong, especially when it’s not restrained. Be careful not to say the word ‘wish’ within earshot of Ismael unless you’re a friend, directly speaking to him for that reason. It triggers his magic and if he didn’t hear you correctly, things could get…weird.

Basically…Bustier sucks.

#miraculous ladybug #class of heroes #disney au #caline bustier #bustier salt #bustier is a terrible teacher #miracuclass #science kids #mlb ocs

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unohanabbygirl · 1 year

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I wonder how much money Viserys spent on couples therapy to get back with Aemma Because I swear if I died and the last thing I feel is my husband restricting me whils somebodys is cutting me open by his order and I'm begging for him to stop

And then I reincarnate, at best I would avoid him like the plague and at worst I would try to kill him.

And I'm not even talking about the history I will read when I reincarnate, he got married 6 months after I died to a girl who is old enough to be my daughter, he named my daughter heir, just because, and painted a HUGE TARGET at her back and as a bonus, he pretended that nothing was happening while the court was acting like two hooligans rivals team.

Trust me when I say that man damn near drove himself into debt trying to win her back.

Their relationship is so complex, layers upon layers that I could go on explaining for the longest. Her last moments were nothing but pain and terror. Unaware of her fate until it was too late. Murdered in one of the most gruesome ways at her husband’s order only for her son to die a short while after her.

Being born again to find out that Viserys kept on making horrible decision after decision leading to the deaths of her daughter AND grandchildren. Naming Rhaenyra heir only because she was his last resort but not solidifying her claim or abdicating while he still had the chance. Forcing her to marry Laenor and being blind to their grandchildren’s treatment at the greens hands.

Gosh, don’t even get me started on her reaction upon finding out how awfully 3/5 of her grandsons died, not to mention baby Visenya.

Aemma learned everything she could about the dance because if her daughter had to live through it then the least she could do is know everything she could about the war. I imagine her falling into a depression as she learns how Rhaenyra basically descended into instability during her short time as queen. Thinking Daemon cheated on her, holding onto her last surviving child as the small folk riot while still holding feasts just to feel a semblance of normality.

Whenever she hears someone talk shit abt “the bitch queen” during history lessons at school she has to hold herself back from screaming because they don’t understand 😭

She promises to all the gods that if Viserys has been brought back as well then she’s gonna beat his ass black and blue.

In conclusion, Aemma made Viserys WORK for years before she even took him seriously. Still lets him know she’ll leave and take half of everything if he ever acts up.

#asks

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clatterbane · 2 years

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Welp, that is certainly one way to keep a fairly flat blood sugar graph! Just starting on the way down from my first "meal" in around 24 hours. 😑

On the plus side, looks like I have got the long-acting insulin dialed in pretty well for now. I also thankfully dodged the need to seek any kind of urgent medical attention, which I was trying to hold off on at least until the morning.

But, overall? -5/10, would not recommend.

Yeah, my throat decided to go totally blocked again, to the point that not even water would go down. There seems to have been some scheduling mixup with the GI endocopy people, and it's been like 5 weeks since the last treatment when they've been aiming for about every 2 weeks which has been keeping things in reasonably decent shape.

This makes me even more nervous after dealing with the NHS, where they kept leaving me hanging for like 3-4 months at a time and honestly seemed to have zero fucks to give as to whether patients could swallow at all. (Seriously, I got shut down whenever I tried to mention not even consistently being able to drink. While T1 diabetic, with the added danger factor there.) But, this was the first time anything like this has happened on this end. The folks in Lund have actually been trying to keep me consistently able to handle a decent variety of solid food, and this is by far the worst it's managed to get since I started getting treatement for it through the system here. Hopefully this was the last time, too. 😒

He forgot to call them before the weekend, because we're sharing maybe half a household executive function between us. But, hopefully this little incident will provide a mental jog during their limited phone office hours in the morning!

In the meantime, I'm feeling MUCH better hydrated. About to grab another glass of viramin electrolyte drink, just to be safe. I also decided to play it safe, and went for a protein shake and a cup of drinkably smooth soup.

May brave some mashed potatoes and quick gravy in a little while. Still playing it cautious today, because jfc.

#personal #i get so tired #medical stuff #esophageal stricture #hiatal hernia #ganging up again #swallowing bs #diabetes #t1 diabetes #my shit's fucked up

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briarrosescurse · 3 years

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Zhu Chunying | Profile

Full Name: Zhu Chunying

Gender: Male

Voice Actor: Saitou Souma

Birthday: November 18 (Scorpio)

Age: 17

Height: 169 cm (5'5″)

Family: Father, Stepmother

Origin: Vale of The Solar Deity

Dorm: Shundain

Year/Class: Year 2 Class D Seat 32

Occupation: Student

Dominant Hand: Left

Club: Studying Movies Club

Best Subject: Flying Skills

Worst Subject: Animal Languages

Hobby: Ice-skating, mountain biking

Dislikes: Competition, losing

Favorite Food: Tsuivan

Least Favorite Food: Chicken

Talents: Improv

Unique Magic: Raptor’s Reach — This Unique Magic allows the user to adapt a hawk-like vision for an unlimited amount of time, resulting in being able to pick up small details from miles away and gaining a good sense of their surroundings. It may be straining on the eye as a result. This UM can be easily paired with Hawk Eye’s View.

The petulant, haughty pretty boy of Shundain. Chunying has quite the reputation for his sharp tongue but gorgeous looks. He especially is praised for his soft feathers that adorn his large wings, a notable feature he prides himself in. Chunying is known within the dorm for being a strategic prodigy, having thought out a fairly large portion of the battle formations and plans that Shundain has in store. He is twisted from Hayabusa, Shan Yu’s loyal falcon in Mulan.

From an early age on, Chunying had been spoiled thoroughly and treated like a prince, even. Despite his pretty bratty attitude — which remains to this day — he had praised quite often and got off the hook easily. You could say that he was the favorite among the Nomad group his family travelled with — Chunying knew it was because of how highly regarded falcons, hawks and fellow birds of prey were. Through this group, Chunying got to meet Chanyu and spent a large portion of his early years with him. Chunying always had looked up to Chanyu, who treated him with a bit more kindness than he treated other people. Even if it was because of him being part of the bird folk, Chunying realized in hindsight, he still enjoyed the preferential treatment.

Soon enough though, due to conflicting goals and very unfortunate loses because of brutal battles — including Chunying’s own biological mother — the group disbanded. His father remarried to a woman who lived in the urban areas of the Vale of The Solar Deity, thus moving to the bigger city and becoming a ‘real city kid’. His father and his stepmother were both full-time working, so Chunying was left most of the time on his own. Thanks to some fairly good connections his stepmother has, Chunying was able to attend Night Raven College with ease.

The bird folk boy is rather fussy and gets bored easily. If things don’t go his way, he has the tendency to lash out and use rather crude insults to let his opinion be known. He doesn’t really bother to put up with anyone’s stupid jokes if they bore him. Though it becomes clear that he stands up tall and proud for who he is.

Even in the present, Chunying gets along splendidly with his dorm leader Chanyu, who still appears to have somewhat of a soft spot for the younger boy. Xiang is the one Chunying shares a room with, however they often have plenty of banters, thanks to Xiang being... himself and Chunying... no better. Furthermore though, Sheng and Chunying, despite Chunying’s blatant comments on how stupid Sheng actually is, appear to have a rather amicable relationship.

Funnily enough, the bird boy appears to have a more clingy side, too. He enjoys having attention on him, so if you deprive him of it, he can act suddenly real sweet and obedient.

Shundain Dorm Banner: @/lulutwstocs

#twisted wonderland oc #twst oc #twisute oc #fandorm #shundain #zhu chunying #[profile]

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brostateexam · 3 years

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It’s interesting to hear you talk because it seems like Floridians are about half vaccinated, which is sort of the median. And I see so much focus on the vaccine resistant, but it sounds like you’re also seeing people who just haven’t been reached. I think some folks may have the perspective of, “Oh, you can just go to your Walgreens and get it. It’s so easy. It’s free.” What are you seeing that you would say to people like that?

This is indicative of our health care system as a whole. Vaccination rates have always been low in certain demographics prior to the pandemic. Access to care has always been an issue in certain demographics prior to the pandemic. We talk a lot about disparities, and I actually dislike those terms: disparities and inequality, all that, yada, yada.

Is it the passive voice you don’t like?

It makes it sound like it’s an abstract thing. I see it every day. I see that patients can’t afford insurance. A lot of people are uninsured. A lot of individuals are underinsured, particularly if you have Medicaid, and they get inferior care. These patients don’t get treated well. Things get overlooked.

In some ways you’re saying it makes sense that this would be the population that would be unvaccinated.

These people are not engaged in the first place. And it’s interesting that a lot of people are surprised by their hesitancy. We didn’t care about them before and all of a sudden we care about him in the context of the vaccine. This is a wake-up call and should lead to a fundamental reckoning of the failures of our health care system. We’re one of the worst, if not the worst, performing countries in the industrialized world. And that’s precisely because we’ve decided that health care is a privilege and not a right. And you can see that in how we approach the pandemic and how we approach the treatment of patients. In fact, there’s been tons of data, even a recent study that came out of UPenn that showed that your mortality rate from COVID-19 was directly tied to what hospital you went to. You know what hospitals had the highest mortality rate? Well, the county hospitals, the ones in urban areas.

The ones that serve Black and brown people.

Yes, but also rural communities as well. Poor white people. They get the crappy care as well. And we’re not talking about that at all. We’re acting like these issues don’t exist, and we’re just focusing on vaccination, vaccination, vaccination. You can’t just focus on one thing. You have to take a step back and look at the big picture because we are failing a large demographics of Americans. And as a result, we’re seeing a large portion of our population die unnecessarily from preventable illnesses. And now just add COVID-19 to the equation, and you got your stew. And so it’s unfortunate. (x)

Excerpted from an interview with a Florida-based cardiologist who talks about how systemic gaps in our healthcare system are creating and perpetuating vaccine inequality.

#long reads #*coronavirus

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bi-outta-cordonia · 4 years

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I’m glad folks are talking more at length about the way Black people and characters in this fandom and at PB are treated but I keep seeing people fail to mention how Lily Spencer was treated as a character—

Lily is one of four LIs in Bloodbound’s entire run, a Black, bi, nerdy girl with a killer sense of humor and an alternative appearance that specifically called to me when I first started playing the series. Throughout, I found her character to be great in book one since she shared a tight camaraderie with MC and even though my MC drifted off to another character, I really liked her a lot and looked forward to seeing what they were going to do with her in the sequel books.

And then those books came and I—

To say I was shocked would be putting it too lightly because the truth was I was appalled. It’s true. PB has been sidelining Black characters for a long ass time. They’ll introduce them to the story for the sake of diversifying the cast but when it comes to actually doing anything with them, they drop them by the wayside and refuse to give them anything meaningful as far as their story is concerned.

But Lily, and this is just my personal opinion, Lily was the litmus test for how much they actually could get away with. Book 2 of BB literally was the worst ride for anyone who seriously romanced Lily. She got maybe two exclusive scenes throughout the whole book that were just about her and in book 3, if she got an exclusive scene she’d have to share it with someone save for maybe one or two scenes. Throughout the entire run of BB, she never got a single tapestry exclusive except for in the Christmas special, which was the only tapestry exclusive she got in the whole run of the series.

And the last act of BB3 was just—out of all four vampires you can be with in BB, only Lily and Jax were up for being sacrificed at the end of the book and it highly depended on factors I’m still not entirely sure of. I romanced Jax so in my run, Lily died while Adrian and Kamilah were perfectly safe from being killed off, and after running through a whole series that reduced Lily to being your team comedian who you could sometimes be in a romance with, it really felt like a punch to the chest seeing her die and not in a good way.

She gets selected for sacrifice after the team effectively shoved her to the wayside, stopped giving her exclusive scenes save for a handful, most of which you had to take her and someone else along with—now fast forward to OPH2 and please name the character who they are doing the exact same thing to despite initially presenting him as an LI.

Lily’s treatment was something a lot of Black fans tried bringing up before BLM started trending and PB released that statement but by then, most of the fans had already made up their mind about Lily as it was. I saw a lot of people calling her annoying even though her personality is the same as Maxwell’s and y’all love him. Most people brushed off the criticism Black fans were raising. A lot of y’all decided that since Kamilah got content, you didn’t have to think about what was happening to Lily or her fans. To most of y’all, you just accepted what PB was doing and in return, PB had no qualms killing off Lily and continuing to sideline her despite her being an LI throughout the whole series.

And tbh I think this mess with Rafael Aveiro stems a lot from this—PB has in the past completely butchered Black characters for the sake of dumb plot devices, so it doesn’t shock me that they did the same to Rafael. The only difference between Rafael and Lily though is that his fans were a lot louder and eventually his mistreatment was something a lot of people outside of his fan base also started calling attention to, which forced PB’s hand and made them pull OPH2 for a bit.

And like I’m glad that happened, I’m glad Rafael still hasn’t a chance to have some meaningful content coming for him and hopefully, if he was originally planned to die, he’s now going to live but like.

Where was this energy for Lily when folks were calling it out back then? Where was this backlash when people were lamenting what PB had done to her? Where was the outrage on behalf of her and the collective movement to get PB to own up to what they did to her?

When you talk about Black characters getting sidelined to hell, keep Lily’s character in mind because a lot of you blatantly ignored her and Black fans when they were trying to talk about it when it was happening.

#playchoices #choices #bloodbound #lily spencer

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thebad---catholic · 4 years

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Why I don’t think Azula should’ve gotten a healing/redemption arc

k so I made this meme a couple weeks ago

and I got a lot (a lot? Like 10 but that’s a lot for me) responses disagreeing with my post, which is fair because there’s really only a tiny subset of fans who fit into the “if you stan villains you’re a bad person” category, and Azula’s character (like most other things in atla) is fairly nuanced. I won’t dive into her personal psychology so much, just why I was satisfied with her arc as a viewer.

Note: I’m only speaking within the context of Atla. I haven’t read any of the comics or seen Lok so for the sake of this lil post those don’t exist.

Not enough time

Plain and simple, Azula didn’t have enough time for any sort of healing or redemption. She would’ve needed at least 2 seasons based on what Zuko went through. Adding more seasons for this purpose would feel kind of pointless. Maybe they should’ve explored this in other media but not within atla as the story works best as a tidy three season bit.

Along this same vein, I’m not viewing the show the same way as I would irl. If we’re being realistic, Azula was a horribly abused mentally ill 14 year old who most definitely should’ve gotten treatment. But this is a cartoon, where standards are a little different, which I’ll talk more about in a minute.

Iroh used to be a bad person/If Zuko changed so could she

This one is more complicated for me, but basically I view it like this. In the show, Iroh and Zuko display goodness before their redemption.

We see this with Zuko especially. He is banished for trying to protect the lives of fire nation soldiers from certain death. Twice he spares the life of his rival Zhao, even after that rival tried to kill him. In season two, he saves appa, risks blowing his cover to light lanterns for Jin, saves a town from mercenaries, and even when he’s robbing, he spares certain people (the pregnant woman for example) and mostly targets the wealthy. Zuko, even at his worst, had hard limits on his morality.

Iroh is more subtle. The most clear example comes from the flashback in “Zuko Alone” where Iroh gifts Zuko a dagger from the earth kingdom that he notes is of superior craftsmanship. This, to me, shows where the start of Iroh’s arc comes from: his appreciation of the other nations. It’s been noted before that Iroh has also mastered all four elements, even though he can only firebend. Redirecting lightning comes from waterbenders- likely learned before Iroh “turned good”. Even as their adversary, Iroh respects the people of Ba Sing Se for their resilience. (This again contrasts Zhao, who was so deranged he murdered the fucking moon just to win.) Finally, the dragons. Iroh is known as the dragon of the west even to people from Ba Sing Se- this means that he spared the lives of the final dragons before Lu Tens death. Like Zuko, Iroh shows mercy even when on the wrong side. Lu Ten’s death breaks Iroh because it forces him to finally come to terms with the fact that the fire nation is built on a lie. Fire nation superiority is a lie, and it’s one he’s known for a long time.

Azula doesn’t display any of these traits. The only time in the entire series where she apologizes is after she insults Ty Lee, and I’d argue it was an act of manipulation, as she quickly uses the apology to receive praise from Ty Lee. The beach episode is the only soft side we ever see to Azula, and all of her interactions can still be interpreted like my example. Was the comment about Ursa thinking she was a monster a slip of her mask or an attempt to “perform” like the others? We know Azula is a liar, so was she lying when she said ursa was right, or that it still hurt? Or both? And, mind you, I do love how this episode explores azula more closely, but I don’t believe being a nuanced villain makes you a redeemable one. Even as a child, Azula is cruel and takes pleasure in hurting Zuko, and animals, and her friends. She’s a master manipulator who makes friends through fear and intimidation. Imo, the only reason she doesn’t actually kill someone is because Avatar was technically a kids show, though that sure as fuck didn’t stop her from threatening multiple peoples lives. There is no action of Azula that signifies an ounce of good in her.

She was abused

1) a tragic backstory isn’t the be all end all of whether or not a character’s redeemable, and 2) So was Zuko. And probably Iroh and Ozai, and probably Azulan. The fire nation royal family is fucked up. Even if Azulan was a “good” father to Ozai and Iroh he was still a dictator who was grooming them to take over.

Having Azula be a puppet in her fathers game was an incredibly mature route for atla to take. Once again, it adds depth with a realistic take for Azula’s villainy. Very rarely are individuals born evil (enter nature v nuture debate here). Some of the worst people to ever exist were victims of abuse and neglect to varying degrees. Once again, though, this doesn’t suddenly render Azula open to redemption. And from a storytelling perspective, there’s parallels between Ozai and Iroh and Azula and Zuko.

Ozai continued the cycle of abuse, Iroh broke free from it, Zuko ended it, and Azula was broken by it. These are all things that happen in real life.

She’s 14

Oddly enough this is the argument that baffles me the most. I know I just said a whole lot about real life vs fiction, but I’m gonna pull the fiction card on this one. I can suspend belief with these characters and their ages. I don’t think any 12 year old could function after waking up from a coma and finding out his entire people were slaughtered and that he only had like, six months to save the world, regardless of his upbringing and power set. I also don’t think any 14 year old could lead a trio to infiltrate a city state, outsmart the shadow leader of said city state, and manipulate and entire little army for her favor.

There’s just a point where you have to suspend belief. The characters of avatar are fantastic, but are not realistic portrayals of people in their age group. Azula could be 14 as easily as she could be 25 and nothing about the narrative would change. The same is true for the rest of the main characters- even Aang, as youthful and fun loving as he is, also has more emotional maturity than anyone in the gaang, and more than most adults i know. If you want a realistic example of a child working through trauma, try Lilo from Lilo and Stich. Not anyone from Atla

Not everyone needs a happy ending.

This is ultimately what it comes down to for me. I like Azula as a villain. I like Azula as a villain who stays a villain and who is driven insane by power and paranoia. I like Macbeth. Azula is a tragedy- and that’s what I like.

So there ya have it folks. That’s my take. I’m writing this at five am with very little sleep, so please forgive typos and whatnot. I feel like maybe I haven’t explained everything the way I wanted to, but I can’t stop thinking about this, and the great thing about this show is that it’s fun to keep thinking about.

#avatar #avatar the last airbender #azula meta #azula deserved better #atla azula #avatar zuko #iroh & zuko #uncle iroh #atla #atla spoilers #atla headcanons

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ryuichirou · 3 years

Note

Out of all the snk shipping fandoms, which one do you think is the best/most wholesome? And which one is the worst/most toxic? Reminder that we’re talking about fandoms here and not ships (btw even tho I hate ereri I can’t help but love your art about it, it’s just amazing and hilarious, keep it up!)

Interesting question! As you might know, we don’t consider ourselves a part of any shipping fandom (or any fandom in general), so we can only talk about how we (and people we know) were treated by them. There won’t be much of an “inside” experience, because well we’re not “inside” any of these. And a lot of it is “people who ship X tend to shit on Ereri absolutely unprovoked at every chance they get, so we really don’t like them” lol

Obligatory and very obvious: loving a certain ship doesn’t make you a good/bad person, and there are a lot of wholesome people in any shipping fandom: we’ve met a lot of very kind, helpful and open-minded folks during these two years. So if any of you read this and think “oh, I ship X too, and this doesn’t sound like me or my friends at all”, chances are I’m not talking about you. But there’s always a possibility that peeps that you interact with in your shipping circle are pretty nice to you, but super mega shitty to others. Whether you ignore this type of behavior or not is up to you. I just want all the harassment to stop, because frankly we’re very tired.

As someone who ships Ereri, we’ve experienced and witnessed a lot lol especially on twitter. The most vocal ones would be Levihan, Eremin and Eruri fandoms I suppose.

With Eruri fandom, we’ve heard a lot of stories about some people bashing Zevi and attacking Zevi shippers + we’ve witnessed the great Eruri vs Ereri war, so of course we know how pretentious and rude they can get. There are people who felt like they were exiled from the Eruri shipping fandom for either shipping any other character with Levi or just seeing characters and their relationships differently (i.e. not seeing them as wholesome husbands or preferring Levi to bottom which is apparently a sin for Eruris too sometimes nowadays???). Although it’s important to mention that I feel like Eruri shippers know how shitty the anti stuff is better than a lot of other communities, so I don’t feel the same aggression from them at this moment.

If we’re talking twitter, based on what we and our friends have experienced, the most aggressive groups seem to be Levihan and Eremins. When I go through my blocking sprees and block everyone who hates on Ereri or Zevi or Eruri (well, mostly Ereri), ~88% of the accs happen to be either Eremin or Levihans. When someone writes a long-ass thread to attack a content creator, it always happen to be either of these two, and I have no idea why. A lot of them are also minors who act like the way they harass others is perfectly justified. I legit see stuff like “besties let’s spoil snk for ereris” and “let’s bully ereris and tell them to kys” every time I search ereri on twitter. And I’ve seen enough of Levihan folks saying shit like Eruris being criminals because Erwin is basically a nazi + spreading misinformation about popular artists just out of spite… extremely annoying stuff. Actually, I think you’re the first LH person who’s been kind to us lol

Also don’t get the idea that there are no toxic people in the Ereri community, because this simply isn’t true. Like I said, every fandom has its own clique and a certain level of toxicity, and it’s stupidly easy to be the “wrong one” here, at least it used to when we just started posting. People who’ve been following us for a while know that we used to get a lot of crap for making Levi a bottom on all of our drawings and not wanting characters to switch. It’s such a stupid reason to get harassed, who the fuck cares whether a character tops or bottoms in a drawing??? And yet we’ve been told that a lot of harassment has happened because of it + experienced it ourselves. I think the only reason we don’t get harassed for it very often nowadays is because of a luxury of being a kind of a big art account. It’s much easier to attack smaller ones who don’t have any power or connections, especially when they’re insecure and want to fit in with the fandom.

Now for some reason some people now think that we (me and Katsu) block people for loving top!Levi or bottom!Eren… this isn’t true. I admit that I can get petty when I block people, but it’s always about their attitude and never about their preferred ship or character’s position. Whether you like something or not is none of our business, and we never criticized what others like, so it’s kind of offensive that people think we’d act that way towards others when we ourselves experienced the same treatment for making Levi bottom every single time. It’s childish and disgusting, and I really don’t want people to think of us as someone who approves of this behavior.

Top!Levi stans act pretty toxic too sometimes, not only in Ereri (well Riren) community. The majority of comments about our Levi being ooc, looking like a child and being too horny and blushy we got from them, they get straight-up OFFENDED by our Levi. We’ve talked about how people are afraid to make Levi into anything but a serious and stoic manly man a lot in the past… And this is the only reason we get defensive when people ask us about top!Levi. But still, we never block anyone because of their preferences. This assumption is very... idk yikes, and more disgusting is the fact that people very easily jump to this conclusion, like... seriously? That’s what you think about us? So much for “uwu our supportive shipping fandom community”.

Shippers of het ships can get quite toxic too, especially after the finale. Some of Eremika peeps got wild, and you’ve probably seen our replies about it and that one Anon who got very upset with our reply about Eren. For some reason, when you post something het-related, there’s always going to be a person saying shit like “NAAAH HE LOVES X, NOT HER”, as if any of this matters. They are the type to whine about Eruri shippers ruining beautiful friendship between Erwin and Levi with their homo sexy stuff. They’re often disrespectful: shit in your comments, belittle other ships with comments like “well THIS is much better than X”, and overall make the experience very uncomfortable. For some reason they just can’t enjoy their darn ships without shitting on others.

Anyhow. I know this reply sounds like “everyone’s a shithead” lol, but once again: sadly, there are nasty people in almost every shipping circle, this is unavoidable. And it’s easier to mark them as “shippers of X”, because they often act like a clique or high school bullies or something. And even though there are a lot of very nice people, I tend not to associate them with any shipping community: it’s just a pleasant and cool person who we had fun communicating with, and who just happen to ship X, Y and Z.

Maybe… it’s fair to say that we dislike fandoms, but talking to people who are kind, polite and excited about the same things that we are, is always great.

Siiigh, hope I didn’t bore you to death with this reply. Thank you for giving us an opportunity to talk about this! And for enjoying my art and being open-minded :)

#replies

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a-secret-bolton-vampire · 3 years

Text

The Coming War for the North, Part 3: The Battle of the Bastards

To see the previous installments of this series, part 1 and part 2 are available to read here and here, respectively.

The idea that Jon and Ramsay would fight has been around for a while, even before the TV show. There are a lot of signs pointing to a similar confrontation in the books, but how it unfolds might be a little different from the show. In this final section, I'll get right down to business on this final battle for Winterfell, and the purpose and themes this plot line.

Two Snows & Winterfell

Jon and Ramsay are two very different, and somewhat very similar characters. Throughout ADWD Jon has letters sent by Ramsay detailing events transpiring in the North, including the retaking of Moat Cailin, and the marriage of Arya Stark (really Jeyne Poole) to the newly legitimized Ramsay Bolton. Stannis also begins his campaign to take the North, and sends letters to Jon detailing his movements and what he is doing. When confronted by Melisandre, Jon learns that Mance Rayder was actually Rattleshirt in magic disguise, and Rattleshirt is actually Mance in magic disguise, and with Melisandre's nudging, agrees to send Mance and six spearwives to rescue Arya from Winterfell.

Then Ramsay sends the pink letter and tells Jon that he defeated Stannis, has captured Mance, and demands Stannis's family and allies or he will attack the Night's Watch. Don't forget that Jon is the one who started this, not Ramsay. He was the instigator, helping Stannis and taking Arya away from Ramsay. Not to say Ramsay is in the right here morally (quite the opposite), but Jon did break his vows for this to happen, and he wasn't really on Ramsay's radar until this happened. Thus, ADWD has set up a rivalry between the two. However, the two characters have a lot in common to be set up as foils to each other.

Both are bastards of a very prominent noble lord of the North. Both resent their bastard status and yearn for approval to be a trueborn member of their House. And both want Winterfell. Ramsay already has Winterfell and is declared the Lord of Winterfell, while Jon nearly took Stannis's offer to be Lord of Winterfell, before rejecting it to keep his vows to the Night's Watch, while still yearning to have Winterfell. However, from there, they are complete opposites.

Ramsay is a demon in human skin, a sadistic serial killer and rapist who enjoys torture and murder, and has no regard for the laws of men. Meanwhile, Jon, as raised by Ned, is a noble and honourable person who tries his best to keep his oath and honour intact (although he does forsake it at the end of ADWD). In the season 4 DVD extras for Game of Thrones, GRRM himself even talks about this.

The relationship between Roose and Ramsay is, in some ways, a dark counterpoint to the relation between Ned Stark and Jon Snow. In both cases, a noble father with a bastard son. Jon and Ramsay are literally the opposite to each other. Jon is very noble and honorable. And Ramsay is none of those things. Roose himself is a cold and calculating man. A dispassionate man. "I placed far too much trust in you." But their treatment of the bastard son is very different. Ned keeps Jon Snow at Winterfell and he's raised with Robb and Bran. For all practical purposes, he is one of Ned's sons. Ramsay gets nothing from Roose.

Given the fact we have good build up between a rivalry between them, and that they are foils of each other, a confrontation between the two seems very likely. And even more so when you look both at the past history and at ADWD. The Stark-Bolton rivalry is the longest and most prominent feud in the North, supposedly dating back to the Long Night. Numerous wars were fought between the Red Kings from the Dreadfort and the Kings of Winter from Winterfell, some of them ending in Bolton victory. At least twice, two Bolton kings (both named Royce) took and burnt Winterfell (and it happened a third time in ACOK when Ramsay did it). The Boltons also were alleged to have flayed and worn the skins of Stark princes as cloaks.

In a way, this rivalry is a very dark, yet still grounded fantasy version of werwolves and vampires. There are quite a lot of stories including werewolves and vampires that have the two be natural enemies, with feuds that go back centuries sometimes. Of course, both the Starks and Boltons take on very clear roles as werewolves and vampires. Starks have warg blood in them (even if not all of them were wargs), and many of them have dreams at night of being a wolf and rampaging around, which sounds very much like old werewolf legends. The Boltons being vampires, on the other hand, is less magical and more implied.

The Boltons have this unearthly, sinister feel and look to them that makes them appear somewhat inhuman, with pale eyes variously described as dirty chips of ice or pale moons, and a look about themselves that is similar to some descriptions of vampires. Then of course there is the Dreadfort, a spooky old castle ruled by a very spooky and yet somewhat cultured man (Dracula anyone)? Then of course we have all the very creepy images of Boltons flaying people, and Ramsay sometimes writing using human blood as ink.

Basically, what I'm saying is that ASOIAF has done what Twilight did but better.

To go back to the future, it makes thematic and narrative sense for the Starks to retake Winterfell from their ancient nemesis. The rivalry began between a Stark and a Bolton, and will end with a Stark bastard and a Bolton bastard, fighting over dominance of the North and of Winterfell.

The Battle of the Bastards

At first glance, it seems like it's a no brainer for how this battle will unfold. Ramsay is gonna lose a lot of support, and Jon will have all the support and completely demolish Ramsay. However, while I do think it will end in victory for Jon (and not without outside help), I think that both are going to be in rather desperate positions, Jon maybe more so.

After Jon's resurrection, there is no question in my mind that he is going to head south. Those were his last thoughts and actions as he died, similar to how Catelyn killing a Frey and her grief of losing her family was the last action and thought before she died, and Beric protecting the smallfolk from the Mountain was his last act before dying. Given the strong implication he is inside Ghost, coming back, we should expect a darker, different Jon, one who doesn't give a shit, is more violent, and more determined. Of course, if he is to retake Winterfell, he should need support.

Fortunately, right before he died, he got all the free folk to cheer for him and agree to join him. Mix those free folk with the giants and mammoths that were recently let past Eastwatch, and he might have a formidable force. However, of the 4,119 or so free folk that are currently south of the Wall, not all of them are fighters. If we take the estimate for 20,000 warriors and 100,000 free folk in total, then we should expect around 820+ free folk capable of fighting. Not a lot. He will need some outside help. Of course, there is already set up for that in ADWD, when he marries Alys Karstark to Magnar Sigorn of Thenn.

He tells a captive Cregan Karstark to send word to his relatives at Karhold and yield to prevent their deaths, but Cregan stubbornly refuses. Alys believes Karhold will open their gates to her, and Alys is thankful for Jon Snow providing her refuge at the Wall and a marriage to get out of an even worse one she did not want. The strength of Karhold may not be the best, but it seems very likely for Karhold to join Jon and his cause, under the banners of Alys.

As for the other houses of the North, I don't expect much more support. Think about how Jon will look to the Northmen. He is a bastard, and those are already quite condemned throughout the North (and Westeros in general). He broke his vows by leaving the Night's Watch, and since the North takes vows and oaths and honour much more seriously than the rest of Westeros, being an oathbreaker who abandoned the Wall is not going to make him popular. And finally, he is leading a band of wildlings south. The North despises the free folk, thinking of them as savages, thanks to centuries of conflict with them. So the picture of Jon painted as an oathbreaking wildling bastard is going to be a major problem for him. At worst, he would be viewed just as evil and treacherous as Ramsay, the other prominent bastard in the North.

In fact, even if Ramsay loses a lot of support from his own actions (more later), he could use this to his advantage. At best, the northerns who hate Jon will remain neutral in the conflict, but at worst, they might even ally with the Boltons. The clansmen have a deep hatred of House Bolton, but they also have a very deep hatred of the free folk, so they may actually remain neutral. The Umbers are another House that deals frequently with wildlings, and many years prior, Crowfood lost his daughter to wildlings raiding south of the Wall. So instead of Jon's presence invigorating the Umbers to fight against Ramsay, their own vehement hatred of the wildlings might lead them to simply stick with Ramsay.

However, that isn't to say everything will go swimmingly for Ramsay. Their hold on the North is tentative, and if Ramsay kills Roose and Walda and their child, it could become even more unstable. For one, Lady Barbrey Dustin isn't loyal to the Boltons, but instead loyal to Roose. Her sister was the former wife of Roose, and Domeric was her nephew, so Lady Dustin has reason to be on friendly terms with Roose. On the other hand, she despises Ramsay, blaming him for Domeric's death, and not even allowing him to step foot in Barrow Hall because of it. In turn, Ramsay also holds her in contempt.

"It should have been you who threw the feast, to welcome me back," Ramsay complained, "and it should have been in Barrow Hall, not this pisspot of a castle." "Barrow Hall and its kitchens are not mine to dispose of," his father said mildly. "I am only a guest there. The castle and the town belong to Lady Dustin, and she cannot abide you." Ramsay's face darkened. "If I cut off her teats and feed them to my girls, will she abide me then? Will she abide me if I strip off her skin to make myself a pair of boots?" "Unlikely. And those boots would come dear. They would cost us Barrowton, House Dustin, and the Ryswells."

If Roose dies, not only would Lady Dustin probably suspect Ramsay, but she would simply not follow Ramsay. So already, just by becoming Warden of the North and Lord of the Dreadfort, Ramsay would lose the Dustins and the Ryswells. Of course, since Lady Dustin does have a grievance with the Starks because Ned never brought her husband home from Dorne, I think she would probably remain neutral in the conflict.

Other houses might leave Ramsay too. Some might stay simply out of fear of retaliation for betrayal. It will depend on the House, their head, their own needs and goals, etc. As for the actual battle itself, who knows what will happen. However, I do think that Ramsay will likely try to lure Jon into some sort of trap rather than give him a direct face to face confrontation. There is also very interesting foreshadowing and even direct confirmation that the battle is going to be possibly more magical than we might believe it to be. Not only are there giants and mammoths... in the final script GRRM wrote for the show, he put in this note:

[N.B. A note for future reference. A season or two down the line Ramsay’s pack of wolfhounds are going to be sent against the Stark direwolves, so we should build up the dogs as much as possible in this and subsequent episodes.]

So the hounds are going to fight the Stark direwolves... wait, direwoves? Not direwolf? Curious...

The Pack Survives

I purposefully avoided the other factions of the North there, because the heart of the conflict will be Ramsay vs. Jon. But Jon won't be alone, at least not entirely. There is Rickon, who is to be touted as the Lord of Winterfell by the Manderlys so they can support Stannis. He isn't even the only Stark who could join in. Sansa is in the Vale under the guise of Alayne Stone. Arya keeps warging into Nymeria, who leads a massive pack of hundreds of wolves throughout the Riverlands. Bran is training his demigod greenseeing powers beyond the Wall with Bloodraven and is definitely manipulating events far south of the Wall.

So, the plural of direwolves makes me think Ghost won't be the only Stark direwolf fighting against Ramsay. We could get Nymeria's wolf pack joining as well, and Shaggydog, or even Summer (if Bran is in the North at this time that is). In fact, the idea that Ramsay will fight against Rickon is something that is heavily hinted at in ADWD.

The next litter to come out of the Dreadfort's kennels would include a Kyra, Reek did not doubt. "He's trained 'em to kill wolves as well," Ben Bones had confided. Reek said nothing. He knew which wolves the girls were meant to kill, but he had no wish to watch the girls fighting over his severed toe.

And then, more directly...

"Stark's little wolflings are dead," said Ramsay, sloshing some more ale into his cup, "and they'll stay dead. Let them show their ugly faces, and my girls will rip those wolves of theirs to pieces. The sooner they turn up, the sooner I kill them again."

Ramsay may be impulsive and unaware of intricate politics, but he seems prepared for what to do should Bran or Rickon show themselves again. This makes me worried for Rickon, honestly. Will Ramsay capture Rickon and keep him prisoner as hold over Jon Snow? Will he kill Rickon like he did in the show? I really, really hope not, but I'm afraid that's exactly what will happen.

There is a line that Ned spoke in AGOT that George says will eventually be very important, that I think perfectly applies to this situation.

"When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies, but the pack survives."

Ned speaks to Arya about this in King's Landing, to get her to understand that the Starks should not fight one another in times of danger, or be isolated from each other, but look after one another, protect each other. Winter has now come, the snows are falling and the white winds are blowing. Who is the lone wolf in this scenario? While Jon certainly fits the bill (he literally is a lone wolf, it's very clear at the end of ADWD he was prepared to ride to Winterfell all by himself until he got the wildlings to his side), I think Rickon could too.

Rickon is very isolated from everyone else, even when he was at Winterfell. He was only 4 years old, and didn't understand why everyone was leaving him. Given the plan to use Rickon as a pawn to reinstall Stark rule of the North being something we can cheer for and expect to happen, I don't think it will happen. Rickon, the lone wolf, will be used to try to depose Ramsay, but it won't go well, and he will die because of it.

Jon will probably find himself in a bad position in battle too, and very nearly die as the lone wolf... but now that winter is here, and everyone is starting to converge on Winterfell at some point, I think that it won't be Jon who ultimately retakes Winterfell: it will be all the Starks. Sansa may be in the Vale, but Littlefinger plans to use her to take Winterfell back at some point (even if it won't go exactly to plan).

"When Robert dies, Harry the Heir becomes Lord Harrold, Defender of the Vale and Lord of the Eyrie. Jon Arryn's bannermen will never love me, nor our silly, shaking Robert, but they will love their Young Falcon . . . and when they come together for his wedding, and you come out with your long auburn hair, clad in a maiden's cloak of white and grey with a direwolf emblazoned on the back . . . why, every knight in the Vale will pledge his sword to win you back your birthright."

Arya is having a lot of wolf dreams as Nymeria, and GRRM has said that her wolf pack will one day be used as a Chekov's gun. Bran may be far away, but he is getting more powerful and beginning to influence events as far south as Winterfell. The pack comes together to survive in winter, to help Jon and the North by defeating their enemies.

So as Jon fights against the bastard he so deeply despises, it won't just be him. It'll be the Knights of the Vale, led by Sansa. It'll be Nymeria and her wolf pack, piloted by Arya. It'll be Bran, skinchanging into whatever is around. TWOW may end up being the darkest book in the series, and the retaking of Winterfell won't be as glorious as we imagine or even as I spelt it out (Rickon's death and the perception the North has of Jon should play very big roles in making it not entirely happy), but this will be maybe one of our only moment of deserved catharsis we might get from it.

#asoiaf #asoiaf meta #jon snow #ramsay bolton #bran stark #arya stark #sansa stark #rickon stark #winterfell #the winds of winter #the winds of winter predictions

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lenacker · 3 years

Text

To Raise an Eaglet

Kuchel and Levi’s life in my Meet The Ackermans Modern! Rivetra AU

This is my longest work yet, Word count : 2654 words

"So you're not coming here for Christmas?" Kuchel holds her phone to her ear with her shoulder, while cutting the vegetables on the cutting board. She was preparing some special stew from her beloved son’s cute, little family.

"No, I’m working on a very important case, Mom. I.."

"Wait, wait," Kuchel wiped her hands to her apron, re-do her ponytail, and now holding her phone with her hand, meanwhile the other was on her hips. "don't say you're not even coming home to Petra for Christmas Eve? For fuck's sake Lev, that's intolerable! That’s your very own birthday! Don't put your work before your family! If they're gone then who are you working for?! What's the use of money when you have no one to spend it with? Seriously, I don't remember raising a man that's ........"

Levi took a deep breath, putting his phone on the desk while his mom kept rambling here and there. He loves her so much, but she always talks too much for her own good. Sometimes he even wondered how they share the same genes with the difference between their amount of words they can say in one breath.

When he put the phone back to his ear, he didn't hear the nag of his mother. Instead, the woman he heard since he remembered sounds like she's on the verge of tears.

"..... but I guess it can't be helped, huh? It's okay then, it doesn't like I've prepared anything, anyway. Say hi to Petra and the boys for me."

Kuchel sighed, pushing herself with her hands against the countertop, and looked to the ceiling to prevent her tears from falling. Why is she crying, anyway? It's not going to be her first alone Christmas! She spent plenty of them alone, trembling from the cold (and starvation if there are not enough customers in the brothel).

Until one Christmas when she’s 20, she got a great gift she never even dared to imagine, a beautiful, little bundle of joy she named Levi. He came with such unbearable pain, blood, and tears but the moment she heard him scream and laid her eyes on him, no, even from the first time she felt her baby's move, she knows she wouldn't be alone anymore.

I'm gonna protect you, she whispered while cradling Levi's tiny head against her chest, tears streaming from her tired eyes, We’ll live a better life together.

Life felt less ugly for a while. She had to hide her baby whenever a customer came, but it gets less lonely with a cute baby looking at you with such wonderful blue eyes. She hopes he doesn't grow up so he won't understand what kind of world they live in.

But of course, he grows. And in the process, Kuchel saw how unfit the environment they're in for a child's development. She saw how Levi started to laugh less, his skin pale and almost translucent. He stopped saying 'I love you' back when he's around four, instead, he would just hug her silently. He stopped moving when he had to hide from her customers in the tiny cupboard, not moving an inch. Not making any sound. It made her worried sick, she couldn't see if he's ok from the bed. Can he breathe properly? Is it normal for a 4 years old boy to stay still for hours?

At the age of six, he looks like a very malnourished four years old vampire-boy. His voice became raspy, his eyes darken, his cheeks sunken. In their city, it's difficult enough to find decent food when you have money, it's even harder when you don't. Sometimes he would give her some crumpled money he somehow finds, tells her to keep it to buy a new house so no scary men come to hurt mommy. That's also the year when she realized she has the disease that has been spreading around. Of fucking course. The disease takes over her entirely. In just a month, she can't even get up from her bed, her body feels like it's on fire.

And the worst thing, she can't work nor provide food for little Levi. But he never asks for it either. He stayed with her on the bed, caressing her face with his bony hand. Around midday, he would get up, go for an hour or so, and come back with some half-decent food and bruises. Her heart ached every time he put the food inside her mouth, whispering 'please get better, mommy' with his raspy voice.

She hoped she could ask him where he got the food and the bruises, tell him there's no way she could get better without any treatment, or simply say thank you because she's the one who was supposed to find food, but she couldn't force any sound out of her throat. Sometimes she sheds some tears, which Levi always reacts with a sad 'sorry mommy, I can't find better food'. It hurts even more. Sometimes she wondered if keeping him and bringing him to this cruel world is a mistake. Or if she's being selfish to want a friend in her lonely life.

Then she decided to give up. She kept her eyes shut, feeling how her body struggled to keep her alive. She let the darkness consume her.

But she didn't die. She didn't know how much time was passed but when she started to gain consciousness she heard the beeping sound beside her.

Where am I? Her body does not hurt as much. She opened her eyes and was welcomed with Levi's beautiful blue-grey eyes right in front of her own.

"Levi?"

Wait, did she just talk? Did she really make a clear, understandable word? Well, that’s the first.

She observed her baby's face and noticed how he looks .....more like a normal child. She raised her hand to touch his surprisingly slight chubby cheeks, but he's faster. He moved down to hug -more like crushes, actually- her. He buried his face to her cheeks, mumbling long incoherent words to her cheeks. She felt how her cheeks moisten by his warm tears, how his body trembled, and wondered how she even thought of leaving this precious boy.

"There's Kenny," Levi said once he calmed down, "he brought Mommy here and taught me to fight" then he proudly showed her some of the moves she recognized as Kenny's with a paring knife.

Kenny was a weird one, he always was. He's her only brother, but he never acted like one nor was there for her. He went to jail for killing some folks when she’s about ten. The last time she saw him was when she's pregnant, and he told him to abort her pregnancy. Of course, she refused, so he left without saying anything.

"What did you do with Kenny, baby?" Did he teach you anything bad? killing people? He's a little bit psycho. Much to her relief, they just have some knife and martial arts training, then eat whatever food Levi wanted. Well at least her brother gave him food and brought her to the hospital. At least he keeps Levi alive even though he never approves of his presence.

A few weeks later, she's allowed to leave the hospital. She has been unconscious for three months, apparently. Kenny came, he took care of the administration and payment, drove them to a simple-clean apartment, left some money then left without any unnecessary words. They have never been a normal sibling with a heartfelt relationship but still, Kuchel hoped he would say something, where does he live now, why did he come, does he have any wife and kids, anything.

And so, their brand new life began. In the morning Kuchel would bake some simple cookies, walk Levi to school while giving her cookies to shops along the street then she went to a supermarket near their home, where she worked as a part-time cashier. Then when her shift has finished, she picks her son home and takes her money from the shops.

Years passed, their life gets better every day. Levi had poor social skills, but he managed to befriend two nice, orphan kids; Farlan and Isabel. Like everything he loves (Kuchel herself, a hand knife he got from Kenny, multi-functional stain remover, etc.) he was a bit overprotective. She had to meet the headmaster more than three times during Levi's first two months because her son 'created a commotion' when the only thing he did was protect his friends' dignity with his fists. She didn't think it's bad. Kuchel always knows Levi is such a kind and sweet boy, he just prefers to show his crude side (from Kenny or their previous place, she's not sure). So instead of telling him to stop fighting bullies, she told him words can hurt more than any blow. And it turned out surprisingly well, he never 'created trouble' again. (Saying hurting words is not considered trouble, how weird).

In the blink of an eye, Levi became a handsome man wearing an immaculate suit, kissing Kuchel's cheek before leaving to go to his office for the umpteenth time.

"Don't forget to find me a daughter-in-law," she said teasingly, handing him lunch. Her son pretended to look disgusted, then smiled softly "I don't think I can find someone as pretty and amazing as you, Mom. See you!"

Ever since he turned 30, she kept reminding him that 29 is the average marriage age for a male and he would answer with the answer he just gave her this morning, or "Nobody would want to marry a grumpy, constipated looking man, Mom" or, "I will once I find the right one".

Kuchel knew her son was admired by many (he always bring home at least two bags of chocolates on Valentine's Day), he's good-looking (not that tall due to the malnutrition in his early years, but still, even the old lady next-door had mentioned that he's hot). His salary as a detective at the Criminal Investigation Department is high enough to afford both of them that he forced her to quit working and enjoy life. But she's as stubborn as he is, so she sneakily still bakes some cookies and sells them to a bakery far enough from his office.

About two hours later, right as her oven timer rings, the front door of their apartment opened, revealing a furious Levi. He only wears his shirt and trousers, the suit he initially wears this morning in his hands. Thankfully he didn't notice the freshly baked cookies because he’s too busy muttering curses angrily, something about an airheaded, bitchy woman.

Woman? Well, that’s interesting. Kuchel couldn’t recall when’s the last time her son mentioned anything about women (never). Aside from Isabel and Hange 'shitty-four eyes’, that is. She raised one of her eyebrows, wondering if this could be the beginning of the hater-into-lover relationship she often watches at Korean dramas.

“Oh, you’re home early. Something happened?” she asked as neutral as possible despite her giddiness, leaning against the doorframe of Levi’s bedroom. He was buttoning his white shirt, annoyance still clear on his face. However, he forced a grin.

“Nothing, Mom. Just a friend of Hange’s. She smeared some cake cream on my suit. Don’t know what she’s thinking.” Kuchel nodded understandingly, what a daring girl to do that.

“Is she pretty?” She asked once more, already imagining a scheme upon how they would fall madly in love.

Her son looks surprised, or somehow like someone who just remembers he forgot something important. He took his tie and walked to her, letting his mother tie it around his collar. (She secretly appreciates how he let her do it, despite knowing how to do it himself. It makes her feel needed) While she ties the red garment, Levi looks intensely to her eyes and mumbles, “ShehasbigeyeswiththesamecolorasyousoIguess.…”

Throughout the years, Kuchel noticed that despite being sweet and kind (to her, at least), her son has difficulties showing feelings he deemed ‘bad’ or maybe ‘weird’. He usually mumbles lengthy sentences that she learned to interpret. Like that time when one of her customers hurt her, 4 years old Levi tried to wash the blood and mumbles how he wanna be stronger and hurt the man back, and how he loves his mother. Or when she woke up in the hospital. Or when everybody in his class praises him for shaving his head when one of his classmates had cancer. Or every time he presented her with a bunch of flowers on Mother's Day. That habit is still there, evidently.

She simply smiled, deciding to not tease him any further. She patted his chest, telling him to go back to his office, and let the topic go.

But apparently, the Hange’s airheaded friend story doesn’t stop there.

About a month later, Levi went to watch a musical titled Hamilton with Hange. He always likes musical shows, mainly for the elaborate choreography. She didn’t expect her son to get home so late, and grumpier than ever. She asked him why, but he dismissed her. She didn’t need to wonder for long, because Hange called her (it’s not even a rare occurrence, they’re so close that they often call her randomly in the middle of the night).

"I tried to set him with my roommate," they said, "Petra is a very sweet girl, not to mention that she's clean and pretty short. She's pretty much perfect for him. I tried to push them into the stuck-in-the-elevator scenario, but I guess Levi ended up saying the wrong thing that Petra smeared her cake -that I ordered- to him. Of course, I didn’t just give up. So, I ordered two Hamilton tickets -it was soo expensive and hard to find!- anyway, I gave one to Levi and another to Petra, and pretend that I'm the one who'll go with them" They talked in a very Hange way, fast and passionate. They sounded really proud of their plan. “Do you want to meet her too? I bet you two will connect instantly, Imma send you her bakery’s location, how’s that?”

So, the next day Kuchel visited Petra’s bakery and immediately fell in love. She’s like….a sun personified. Like, even her entire appearance was so bright and fun. Her hair was shoulder-length wavy hair, the root was strawberry blonde and it got lighter that the tip was light blonde. Her eyes are big, round, sparkling light brown eyes, and freckles peppered her cute face. She wore an ankle-length light yellow sundress with small blue flower patterns that complement her pale skin perfectly. She talked with a lot of hand motions, and she slips her hair behind her right ears every once in a while.

Yes, this one’s definitely perfect for her Levi.

December 22, 5 days after that (surprisingly) emotional phone call. Kuchel woke up to the loud sound of her doorbell. Seriously, the shameless guest was ringing the bell like some kind of madman in the middle of the night. Wait, what if that's a real madman?

Ah, screw that, she thought sleepily, whoever that is they definitely need to be taught some lesson. She got off her bed, picked a frying pan from the kitchen, and then opened her door.

It's not a shameless nor mad man.

In front of her door, Leo was sitting on Levi's shoulders while still ringing the bell vigorously with a big grin. Beside him, Petra was fixing her hold to Liam, while the ginger-haired toddler calmly eats his lollipop.

"Gran-Gran!" Leo greeted (gosh, that boy has too much energy for his own good), while his little brother just waved his hand that wasn't holding the lolly.

Kuchel put down her frying pan, "Hey, guys! Come in!"

She moved to the side, letting the little family inside. Leo immediately ran off to his favorite playing spot, the cabinet under the stairs. His brother tottered sleepily behind him.

“So…...what happened to the case?”, she asked with as much sarcasm as possible, while locking the front door again, “Finally realizing your family’s more important than some ruthless murderer?”

A/N : I love Hamilton.

#rivetra #petra ral #levi ackerman #kuchel ackerman #my OC ackerman babies #Meet The Ackermans AU #rivetra fic #more like backstory actually #this literally took years #this one was abandoned for like 2 years?#anyway I love mamachel #hange zoe #the ultimate rivetra shipper

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ltleflrt · 4 years

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So I was having a conversation on Discord about omegaverse tonight, and my brain won’t shut up about it, because as usual I come up with my arguments after the discussion is over. I should have been asleep 3 hours ago, but it’s hot and I can’t unwind, so I’m going to stay up EVEN LATER while the a/c brings things down a few degrees, and I try to get these thoughts out of my head.

I was pro-omegaverse, and trying to explain why *I personally* like the genre, and why I think even with it’s problematic origins and frequently used elements, it’s still a cool genre. I was essentially having 2 discussions, but they were both using my answers to their questions, even though I was usually addressing them 1 at a time. That happens when you’re in a Discord chat, and I wasn’t @ing my answers to them, since we were all in the room together. And I think that cunfuddled the discussion and my thoughts. So here’s a breakdown.

Issue 1. Biological Essentialism is gross and rapey.

Answer: Yes, it is. But so what? Some people like pure rape-fantasy. Is it healthy? That can be argued either way, and it definitely depends on the person writing, or the person reading. People like gross and rapey stories to get their rocks off. Whether we like non-con or not, rape fics should be allowed to exist because some people like it. It doesn’t matter if I think their reasons are valid. As long as they’re not actively trying to harm someone, let people get down and dirty with their rapey fantasies.

Also, the whole biological imperative to mate isn’t that far off from Soulmate AUs. Truemates = Soulmates. Whether we like Soulmate AUs or not, are we also arguing that they shouldn’t exist because they’re problematic? No, we’re not. Soulmate AUs are romantic for a lot of people. Let people have their uncomplicated, fluffy, 1 Destined Love stories.

Something to keep in mind though, is that not all omegaverse fics use the true mate trope. And quite a lot of fics have characters with a lot more self control during their mating cycles than what you’d find in the short smutty one shots. It’s common for them to avoid each other during heats, and only share their mating cycle as an act of love, trust, and devotion. After they’ve been dating for a while. (I love it when the alpha brings over snacks and water for the omega, and immediately hightails it out of there once they get a whiff of their sexy love interest. “Take care of yourself, text me when you feel better, loveyoubye! *nyoooom*”)

Issue 2. It’s transphobic.

Answer: This one is harder to argue, because yeah. It can be. But so can non-omegaverse. Transphobia is, unfortunately, everywhere. Exploring human gender through non-human gendered beings isn’t a bad thing though. Cis people should be allowed to explore those things too. This is step 1 to fighting the Patriarchy. Questioning it. Someone may come out of the experience still cis, but they’re going to be more open minded to trans people. Not to mention, all the trans and enby folks who probably figured themselves out through the gender exploration to be found in omegaverse.

Now, if someone’s into omegaverse and they tell you they won’t read a story about a trans character? Red flag.

Personally, I like the gender exploration in omegaverse. Not just in the hormonal stuff, although I do kinda love the idea of seeing cis male characters suffer cramps once a month lol... but I like the stuff about social inequality that women have to go through mapped onto a male character.

I brought this up in the chat, and my use of the term “women’s issues” raised a terfy flag I think, which upset me and made it harder to make my point. Cuz if there’s one thing I’m not, it’s terfy. But I do see women’s issues as also trans issues. Trans Men are treated differently after they start to present as male. There’s a marked difference between their treatment as a woman pre-transition, and as a man afterwards. And they still have to be really careful about accidental pregnancy. I cannot fathom how awful the dysphoria would be for them if they get pregnant. Trans Women are treated horribly pre-transition if they give any hint of feminine interests. There’s a reason “girly” is an insult, and it’s because Toxic Masculinity Is The Worst. And then when they transition? Hooooboy, gods bless those ladies because Trans Women are treated worse than Cis Women on the social pyramid. And Enbies? Oh you sweet things, how the hell do you deal with the rest of us bastards?

When I say that I am interested in seeing the characters I like deal with women’s issues, I am talking about social inequality, not just periods and cramps (although that a little bit too, because I wish a cis man could just fucking UNDERSTAND why I need a goddamn nap okay? lol), but also sexual health rights, including birth control, including the right to choose whether or not to take hormones, the right to equal pay, the right to equal education. Feminism, for me, includes trans and enby folks at the table.

But anyway, the characters I like right now just happen to be men. I see Dean as a man. That could mean he’s a trans man too, because trans men are men, yo. Castiel I see either as a man or non-binary. So if I want to put them through “women’s issues”, I have to plunk them in a special universe for that. No one is writing Matriarchy AUs, so Omegaverse it is!

(Side note: If my OTP were f/f, I’d still like omegaverse. And I could see lots of interesting ways to use all those same tropes for 2 female presenting characters. So it has nothing to do with genitalia. Unless it’s smut. But I swing all the ways, so still not an issue for me lol)

(Side note part deux: I like to read trans stories too. They have unique things about them that cannot be found in stories about cis characters, even in omegaverse. And when I see Dean and Cas as men or enby, I’m not putting down people who like them gender flipped. I just see myself enjoying Trans Woman Claire dating Enby Kaia, more than I’d like to see Dean or Cas written as cis/trans-women.)

Issue 3. Internalized misogyny!

Answer: This is an argument used against women shipping m/m in general, and has nothing to do with omegaverse. It just so happens that omegaverse was created for m/m pairings. But there are TONS of reasons we ship more m/m than any other pairings, ranging from those are the most interesting characters presented to us, to--yes--internalized misogyny. But I’m tired of that one. Internalized misogyny is rampant, and telling women that their fantasies are problematic isn’t going to cure them. There’s better ways to go about it.

Omegaverse now covers m/f and f/f pairings as well, sooooo... yeah, this one just doesn’t hold water like it used to. We just need to yoink the media out of the hands of the cis-men who are mostly in charge, and make them give us more compelling women to ship.

Issue 4: That’s not how human bodies work.

Answer: They’re not human lol! Okay but real talk here. This issue actually sounds transphobic to me, because it strikes very close to the XX vs XY chromosomes argument. Omegaverse characters have intersex variations. Alpha females and Omega males can have both a penis and a vagina in some fics. It depends on how the author wants to write it, of course. I usually go with the (horrifying) cloaca for omega males, and the (hyena inspired) psueudo-penis for alpha females instead, but to each writer their own lol

But again... not human. Let wet buttholes be a thing, lube is expensive and sometimes the bottle gets tangled in the sheets, and you have to stop what you’re doing to find it and... anyway, convenience in fantasy sex is nice lol

In Conclusion:

Personally, I only like non-traditional omegaverse. The stuff that subverts the “problematic” tropes. I was asked what I liked about the genre, and when I explained, it devolved into discussion of the topics above. But I think what was forgotten in that discussion, was that I kept saying I don’t like the “problematic” things. I like flipping the tropes. Which I like in general, when I’m looking for things to read. I mean, how many Castiel Thinks He’s Straight fics are there? Not many! So I wrote one! Because flipping tropes is my jam!

I don’t like Soulmate AUs, but with the proper twist I can still enjoy it. I don’t like Highschool AUs, but I’ve read some that touched me so deeply I still think of them years later. There’s always someone subverting the tropes I don’t like and turning them into something I do like.

And yet even though I kept saying I liked the subversion of the genre, the discussion kept coming back around to the parts of omegaverse that I *don’t* like. I will still defend anyone’s right to like the parts of it that aren’t for me though, so I argued away XD

And? Sometimes I like the dark problematic stuff when I’m in the mood to get my rocks off. Don’t judge, you’re all a little weird in some way or another ;D

Anywho, now that I got this stuff off my chest, hopefully I can sleep. It has also cooled down by like 4 degrees, and I no longer feel like I’m going to melt in my sleep. Tomorrow is going to suck, because I have to get up in 5 hours. Yay!

#ltleramblings #i enjoy thinking about these things #i was enjoying the discord discussion #i just couldn't keep up with 2 people at once #especially 2 people who are much better at thinking on the fly than i am lol

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the-chick-of-the-air · 4 years

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Ok, I already posted this in one of the group chats a while back...

But I’m in between fics and wanted to post something to stay consistent! 🙃 I hope you all enjoy!

Summary: a lil missing scene from twk- what happend during that night Jude snuck into the palace after her return from the Undersea? Basically just filling in the time skip. Rated G.

Pretend This Has a Title

I can’t reassure Cardan, can’t tell him his worry about being feckless is unfounded, so I stay quiet for a long time, allowing the Roach and the Bomb’s conversation to wash over me.

Before long, Cardan takes his place on his bed again, unfazed that I’m still in it. To be fair, he is the one that put me here to begin with.

“You’ll need to get a costume. I suggest the market.” The Bomb tells me, and I nod, realizing only now how heavy my head feels. How my eyes want to shut against my will.

“I plan on that. Worst case scenario I’ll just steal something from one of the courtiers.” Cardan’s eyes are on me, have been for a while, and while unnerving, I find I don’t quite mind it. Especially when my plan gets the barest of smiles from him.

I allow myself to fall silent again, letting the others speak. Though he converses with the Bomb and the Roach, Cardan’s eyes never leave me. I don’t dare look at him though, not in light of his confession. Rather, I lean back on my elbow, trying to give my muscles a break from staying upright.

Cardan has other plans.

Almost as soon as I am leaned back, he grips my arm just above my elbow. Grabbing my hand with his free one, he pulls my support system from under my weight and I fall back against his numerous pillows. At first, I’m worried he is reverting- doubling back on this strange truce we have found ourselves in- and resuming his old tormenting ways. But the way he is gripping my hand, like he’s afraid of letting me go, tells me otherwise.

He turns my palm over, gently tracing the lines that are still pruny from my time underwater. The Bomb and Roach carrying on speaking as though nothing out of the ordinary is happening.

Noticing that I still haven’t completely relaxed- because honestly, how could I?- Cardan makes a “tsk” sound under his breath. Nodding along to whatever Roach is saying about the upcoming party- I’ve ceased listening at this point- Cardan gently rests a hand on my forehead. I’m confused, thinking he is checking me for a fever, even though it’s not common knowledge amongst the Folk that mortals overheat when they are sick. But he surprises me by pushing my head down until I’m fully nestled against the pillows.

Again, nothing is said, though I’m kind of reeling. Or, I would be, were I not already being manhandled by the clutches of sleep. Cardan doesn’t stop there. He moves his hand from my forehead to my hair, running his long fingers through it.

Maybe he thinks I’m too out of it to notice, maybe he doesn’t care. Over all I got my wish- this is very unlike him.

With the voices of people I trust surrounding me, and the feeling of a young king’s fingers in my hair, I finally fall into a semblance of restful sleep.

~.~

Cardan:

She’s out like a lantern as expected. And Roach is looking at me funny.

And still, I wonder how that can be an incentive for murder.

The Bomb is watching Jude with a small smile, one that only grows wider when she takes note of how I’m still petting her head. There’s something soothing about the act, and all these ridiculous feelings I’ve finally come to terms with are rearing their serpentine heads in the back of my mind.

“We have an early start tomorrow, so…Good night, Your Majesty.” Roach bows and grips The Bomb by the shoulder, hauling her out the door and closing it behind them.

Now that it’s just us, my full attention is on the slumbering mortal next to me. She looks smaller than she has ever seemed like this, weak and thin. Pale due to the lack of sun on the ocean floor. Yet she still managed to break into the palace and drag me from the fitful sleep I was having.

My fingers are shaking the next time I drag them through her hair. Those weeks of not knowing where she was, and then not knowing of how she was once we discovered her location… I never thought it possible for darkness to get darker. For it to feel so heavy. I went to a place, without her, one I was terrified I would not come back from, not without her by my side.

I was horrified, at first. How had I come to rely so heavily on a human girl? So much so that my self loathing only grew deeper once she was in enemy clutches due to my own arrogance? So much so that I felt there was no point to my endless, immortal life without her?

I felt that fear gripping me again. Every night she had been amiss, I couldn’t even sleep. I simply lie awake and wondered at the crushing pain in my chest, as though I actually had a heart to break. It was not a common thing for us fae to weep, but I found tears my near constant companion when I was alone.

I steady my breathing, least the sound of my unrelenting panic wake Jude. And from the snippets of whispers I heard about her treatment in the underwater prison, I daresay she needs the rest more then I do.

Speaking of.

The sun will be high soon, which means I have a few hours of sleep left to wrangle. And now that my Seneschal was back where she belongs, by my side, perhaps rest won’t deign to grace me with its sweet unconscious presence.

I grab one of the many coverlets draped across the large mattress and bring it up over both Jude and I. Despite how she’s knocked out and I can feel the slow fingers of sleep sliding around my mind like a vice, I keep up my ministrations, slowly dragging my fingers through her hair, brushing the rounded edges of her ear. Such an interesting shape.

Finally, on the edge of falling backwards off the cliff of wakefulness, just before I succumb to the safety net of darkness, I am able to ease my inhibitions and softly confess to her the words that catch in my throat in the frightening light of day.

“I love you.”

There we have it! Let me know what y’all think!

Tag-list: (as always, let me know if you would like to be added to the list!)

@maleckanejnessianjurdansolangelo @woodsbeyond1 @cardan-greenbriar-tcp @thewickedkings @aneurwin @snusbandxknifewife @jurdanhell @andromeddea @dressedindustandshadows @thesirenwashere @b00kworm @hizqueen4life @unidentifiedblackthorn @iminsanenotobsessed

#jurdan #jude x cardan #cardan greenbriar #jude duarte #the cruel prince #twk #tcp #the undersea #fluff #take this #garbage #imaslutforthesetwo

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yourwakingnightmares · 3 years

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Scott Summers Character Study

Okay, does anyone else have those characters that they don’t follow full-time, but they always come back to? Kind of like that old sweatshirt you keep: sure, you have new ones, and they’re great, but that old one is just comfortable, and perfect.

Scott Summers has always been that character for me; like, sometimes I might go months, or years without writing, or looking up anything Scott Summers related... Then something happens, and boom. There it goes, I’m on a roll again. And so... Here we are with my rant of the day.

Buckle in folks, this is gonna be a long one.

I think a lot of people have dismissed Scott as a character, saying that he’s ‘flat’, or ‘one-dimensional’. And if you only periodically glance at comics, or peruse through the movies, I can see how you’d come to that conclusion.

Because unlike Logan (who I do enjoy, this isn’t an anti-Logan post), whose story is easy to follow, easy to understand, Scott’s story is nuanced; it’s something developed over time, with small hints and glimpses thrown in.

For example... what we find out is that Scott is the way he is, because Xavier made him that way. Xavier needed a leader, but he was stuck with Scott: a boy who had lost his parents. A boy who’d suffered from a horrific brain injury. A boy who’d been experimented on, and mind-raped by Nathaniel Essex, also known as Mr. Sinister for Scott’s formative years following his brain injury. A boy who escaped a sadistic telepath, only to end up in the hands of an abusive criminal.

So what does Xavier do? Well, he smooths out those edges; he puts subtle compulsions to turn Scott into the leader he needs him to be. He takes the edge off of the worst memories, and turns them into something distant; something that Scott can look at like a movie starring someone else as the traumatized kid.

Now, don’t misunderstand me: Scott was a brilliant leader. He had the tactical ability, the logistical knowledge to be a leader, even without Xavier. Which is what makes what Xavier did that much worse.

Because what that means is that Scott could’ve gotten there on his own; he could’ve been that leader without Xavier screwing with his head.

Xavier took a kid who needed a home, who needed stability, who needed therapy, and said, “Aha! I know a quicker route! Screw that other stuff; that’ll take years to be effectual! I’ll just do a bit of mental landscaping, and wall off the emotions he felt; I’ll just take the edge off those memories! Surely, nothing can go wrong!”

Looking at Scott’s relationship with Jean from this perspective also sheds new light on it: Scott’s mind had been violated by three telepaths, all of whom had only their own goals in mind. Mr. Sinister, Jack Winters, and Charles Xavier all were concerned more with Scott as means to an end, than they were with Scott himself.

Enter Jean Grey. A young girl, who is a freak even by mutant standards. She struggled to keep her telepathy under control, and we’re frequently shown in comics, books, and even the movies, that she picked up stray thoughts from almost everyone, leading to some very embarrassing moments for everyone. She was an outcast among outcasts.

Not to Scott though. When everyone else is worried about keeping their thoughts locked up tight around Jean, when everyone else is avoiding her so she doesn’t accidentally read their minds... Scott embraces her. He falls in love with her.

And I don’t think we truly ever look at why. Because here was a kid who had every justifiable reason to hate Jean -he’d spent roughly half his life being a plaything for telepaths, people who plucked out things they didn’t like, or added things they wanted. Out of everyone at the Mansion, Scott truly had the best reason to fear and/or hate Jean; out of all of them, Scott best knows the dangers of having a telepath rooting around in other people’s minds. But he doesn’t. Instead, he falls in love with her.

Why? Don’t misunderstand me, they had things they loved about each other in their relationship, but how did it even begin? Why was Scott so open and accepting about Jean’s fragile control over her telepathy in their teenage years?

Because he’d never had any say in who played in his head to begin with. To him, Jean’s accidental slip-ups were nothing compared to the other telepaths he’d interacted with. While everyone else saw Jean’s powers for what they were (an invasion of their most sacred thoughts, accidental or not), Scott was so screwed in the head that it wouldn’t have crossed his mind to be angry or upset about it.

This isn’t to malign Jean, or her and Scott’s relationship; after all, Jean hadn’t done anything wrong either. But it casts a rather dark shadow over the beginnings of their relationship.

But why does Scott become so enamored with Jean? To the point where, after her death, he marries a woman who -although he doesn’t know it -is quite literally a clone of her?

Because Jean was the first telepath who didn’t screw with his head; probably the only person who truly knew what was going on in Scott’s head, and didn’t run screaming. Although he would later meet another, for many years, Jean was the only telepath Scott had had in his mind who didn’t remake his mental landscape.

And think about it: how many people would’ve been comfortable having a lover who literally knew what you were thinking, 24/7? That’s not being mean, that’s just pragmatism: we rarely share our innermost thoughts with anyone, and yet we see that Jean was as comfortable in Scott’s head as she was her own.

We see that Jean’s death devastated Scott; for the first time, he went against his programming. For the first time, we start to catch glimpses of Scott beyond what Sinister, Winters, and Xavier created.

Now, what Scott did to Madelyne was wrong; there’s no two ways around it. However, what can we learn from this, when viewed in context with everything else?

Following Jean’s death, Scott acted like a man who’d lost a piece of himself. He starts searching for his past (finding his grandparents in Alaska), where he meets a woman who is practically the physical twin of his soulmate. Within months, Scott proposes, and they get married, eventually having a son (and we won’t even get into the fact that Scott allows Madelyne to name his son after a man who nearly broke him).

As an adult, these actions can only be looked at as selfish, and reprehensible. But what if we look at it through a different lens for a moment.

These actions would be considered ‘normal’ by teenagers, and young adults; hell, most of us went to school with couples whose story emulated Scott and Madelyne’s. Scott’s first and only girlfriend dies tragically, and he decides to try and learn more about his past -for the first time since his parents died. He meets a girl, rebounds hard, and gets married quickly, only to realize what most adults already know: rebounds never work, and never last. Looking at Madelyne was a benefit at the start, but as time went on, it became a knife in his chest: she was the physical twin of Jean, after all, but she wasn’t really Jean -in fact, Madelyne and Jean had very little in common beyond the physical.

Any healthy adult would have understood this; that physically looking like someone doesn’t mean two people are the same. While this doesn’t excuse Scott’s treatment of Madelyne, it at least gives us a reason. He’s acting out, searching for his origins, and falling in love with a girl who looks like the only person who loved him for who he was. Just like a teenage boy would do.

Now, again: this behavior is unacceptable. As a society, we teach boys this, and they learn through experience. It’s a life lesson -however, it’s one that Scott never got to learn. Scott never got to be a teenage boy; he never got the chance to learn, because Xavier had turned him into his perfect little soldier who never questioned him from such a young age (and prior to that, his only consistent interactions were with the men who abused him, mentally and physically).

Later, we see Scott with Emma Frost -a woman most consider to be a villain, a woman who had fought against the X-Men before. Why?

Well, firstly, let’s consider the implications that Scott chooses another relationship with a female telepath. Sure, with Jean, we explained why they ended up together, but by the time Scott meets Emma, he’s older; he’s more experienced. Why does he put himself in a relationship with someone with the same telepathic abilities as the men who nearly destroyed his very sense of self as a child?

We have to remember that, at first, Emma simply offers to telepathically counsel Scott; to try and piece together the shattered void of his mental landscape. Meaning that Emma was the first person at that point to see the emerging Scott Summers -Jean knew the Scott that had been created, manipulated, and ordered around by Xavier, but following Jean’s death, we start to see glimpses of the real Scott. And Emma is the first telepath to get to see inside Scott’s head, as he starts to throw off the remnants of what Xavier had turned him into.

And she starts to fall in love with him. Unlike with Jean, there are no demands or expectations in place; Emma accepts him for who he is. He questions his loyalty to Xavier? Emma’s okay with that. He questions who he actually is? Emma offers to help him find out.

(Please note: this isn’t knocking Jean; she was as much a victim of Xavier as Scott was, in her own way).

But for the first time, we see Scott Summers start to come into his own; we see him making decisions, expressing opinions, expressing wants and desires outside of life as an X-man. We see him show doubt of Xavier, we see him struggling with who he actually is, and who he was made into.

And Emma... Emma just accepts it. She accepts Scott for who he is, with no agenda, no pressure, not expectations.

Moving a head a bit, let’s look at the action that turned Scott into one of the most reviled comic characters: his killing of Charles Xavier, while under the control of the Phoenix Force.

Now, you can look here for my opinions on Xavier, and why I think we should’ve all been celebrating his death. But let’s look at this for a moment.

Most people’s reactions to this were ‘Xavier raised Scott! Scott was like his son! Scott was one of his first students! How could he?!’

I think the better question, when we look at all the events in Scott’s life is... how did he refrain that long? Xavier’s betrayal of him was so much worse than Sinister’s or Winters’ because Xavier did it as a friend. As a parental figure. Sinister just rewrote, erased, or destroyed things in Scott’s head as he pleased, simply for kicks. Winters’ used his -admittedly limited -telepathic abilities to force Scott to help him steal.

But Xavier saved him from that, right? Xavier gave him a safe place to stay. A place with no more experiments, no more mind-control, no more pain. He earned Scott’s trust, gave him a home, a life, and a purpose.

Only... he didn’t. Xavier betrayed Scott, in a way that Sinister and Winters couldn’t have done. Because Scott didn’t trust them. He trusted Xavier, and Xavier fucked with his head just as badly as Sinister had done. Whereas Sinister and Winters had taken a sledgehammer to Scott’s mental landscape... Xavier just chiseled away at it until it became something he wanted.

I’m going to end this here, because really, there wasn’t much of a point to this post, other than to detail out a lot of thoughts that have been kicking around for a while. If you agree, or disagree, I’d love to hear it.

#Scott Summers #x-men #Charles Xavier #Jean Grey #Mr. Sinister #Emma Frost #Character Study

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buckevantommy · 3 years

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'(Un)Happiest Season' review

Simply put, it wasn't enjoyable as a romance or a comedy or a Christmas flick. It failed on many fronts, but this reviewer from Salon.com puts the thing into words for Happiest Season's main failings:

What's bad: There were two main criticisms of "Happiest Season." The first being: Can't LGBTQ audiences have a holiday movie where the main plot isn't about mining the anxiety and trauma associated with coming out, being closeted and casual homophobia? Then there's the fact that Harper really is just kind of the worst. After pushing Abby back in the closet, Harper ditches her in a town where she doesn't know anyone to go drink with her ex-boyfriend until two in the morning, then proceeds to call Abby "suffocating" when called on it. It's a pattern of s**ty behavior that is pervasive and present throughout the movie, so her redemption arc doesn't feel super genuine.

Why can't we have main queer characters in Christmas movies without their presence being all about their queerness? We want fluffy festiveness, dammit! They could've made Harper less selfish and more attentive while still playing into the *I'm not out yet Because Reasons so we need to hide our gay relationship* trope, but they didn't. Who knows why, but what a waste. 🎄👩‍❤️‍👩☃️

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^ Look at that trailer and tell me you don't expect Misunderstandings with fun and tropey antics + Domestic Christmas Shenanigans + Comfort for Hurt! You will be sorely disappointed. 😞

NOTE: The flick does have a few good moments. And it's probably worth the watch just to see what's missing/mishandled when it comes to queer characters and queer romances in mainstream movies.

But it's not really fun or funny or heart-warming - where are the snowball fights? Insightful conversations? Christmas elements like eggnog/spiced wine, candycanes, mistletoe? Where are the many colourful side characters and the hungover brunches? We get one scene of ice-skating for a few minutes and it's wasted on sibling rivalry bs rather than, say.. Abby and Harper skating together but not being aloud to touch—omg the tension!! 😍

There's just not enough comfort for the hurt Abby (Kstew) goes through; the film wholly lacks those warm-n-fuzzy Christmas vibes; there's just way more wrong with it than is right with it - which sucks, because this had the potential to be such a great movie if only Harper was written as less ignorant/selfish and we'd gotten more enjoyable family interactions and more festive fun - like a celebration in town. Instead we get a few limited shots of the adorable town, a crappy bar, and an OTT fancy Christmas party for performative rich white folk on a career path for power and "perfection" (ie. wholesome family values).

The story they went with was definitely better suited for a dramatic film, so in a romcom setting it really didn't work. Plus the side-characters were flat; we needed more depth from the supporting characters, more meaningful interactions.

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^ Look at those intro credits!! Look at all the domestic happy moments and tell me you don't want to see a movie filled with such fluffy festive goodness!! Well, if you don't want to see such moments, don't worry because you won't. I naturally thought we were going to get this kind of romantic-and-non-romantic happiness dispersed throughout the entire film, but no. Not a one. There's 5 minutes of Happy Couple at the start, and that's it 📸☹️ (unless you count a photo collage of the happy ending and year that follows stuffed into the end credits).

BTW: That intro song is the most Christmasy song in the whole movie. The soundtrack features modern pop songs which 1) don't help set the festive vibe and 2) are really fucking annoying; the song choices are grating, not pleasant, not enjoyable, and they overpower the scenes with a whole lotta noise. I really wish we'd gotten more tunes like the one above. 🎶

About the image below—Abby is actually miserable the entire time, getting worse by the day, barely a smile seen on her.. while Harper is the one schmoozing her family and contacts with teeth bared, so.. this image isn't what you'll get, just fyi:

(also: the only POC actors they had were the perfectionist-stone-faced-bitch's husband and his girlfriend - wife + hubby being secretly separated.)

The things that the Salon reviewer liked are the same things I did (see below), but imho even those elements weren't enough to save this film from being:

an infuriating 102 minute-comedy of errors buoyed by a healthy dose of gaslighting

More cons of the flick are pointed out by denofgeek.com:

Some of its issues come from the structure of the film, which shoehorns very real queer struggles into wacky rom-com tropes too fluffy to contain the stakes at hand. Meanwhile the choice to have one half of the lead couple be so aggressively and repeatedly cruel—while her high school ex Riley, played by the ever-perfect Aubrey Plaza was standing right there having all the chemistry in the world with the other romantic lead—was a fatal one.

It really was a dramatic plot idea crammed into a fluffy narrative. You can see the conflicting genres fighting to stay alive and they both die a slow, agonisingly dull death throughout the film. The whole *Abby being converted to loving Christmas by Harper inviting her to spend the holidays with her family* thing, only to have Harper force their relationship + Abby into the closet. Straight conversion much? I'm 100% sick of heteronormative bs in my queer Christmas films.

For the most part, when you're not feeling for Abby's harsh treatment by her would-be fiance and everyone but Riley ignoring her completely, you will be bored af from the lack of festive cheer - not just twinkle lights and boisterous seasonal music, but those good ol' homey family Christmas vibes. With the Harper house + family members, everything's a performance, so that lack of sincerity and warmth makes for a depressing viewing experience:

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^ Jane (one of Harper's 2 sisters) is the only character allowed to be consistently genuine in the narrative (aside from John, but he's restricted mostly to phonecalls, and Riley - but even she's keeping Harper's secrets). Jane is the only character who is naturally vibrant and reminds us of some of the reasons we get excited about Christmas movies: to feel joy and to enjoy the company around us during the holiday season! 🎄☃️🥳 But rather than give us a fun day out with Jane + Abby, we get Abby + the second sister (i don't even remember her name, just BitchFace) which leads to more bad treatment of Abby - this time by two spoiled af no-smile rich kids. *le sigh* Jane carries the spark of honest joy for the entire Harper clan and that is TOO MUCH to expect of one character, let alone a side-character. 😪

There are so many ways the story could've been tweaked to make more sense and be somewhat enjoyable, including:

The orphan!Abby thing is just bad. Rather than give Abby a voice, chances to let her personality shine, almost everyone interacts with her to merely briefly express their condolences for her long-dead parents 🙄

Abby is a pet-minder, ie. she's an animal lover, yet at no point do we see her interact with animals! Not a dog or cat or hamster, no reindeer at the petting zoo, nothing. 🐕🐈🦎🦜🐠

Riley + Abby getting together (even just a kiss) 👄

Abby + Harper separating so Harper can get her shit together - and then we get several flashforward shots of them separately living their lives (Harper especially), and then meeting back up again - maybe the next holiday season, after some much-needed time apart 🏃‍♀️🤸‍♀️

side characters who engage with Abby in a sincere, meaningful way instead of ignoring her (again, we got Riley, but she was outside of the family dynamic) 😊

MORE FESTIVE CHEER! where were all the staple Christmassy passtimes, the smile-inducing season-specific experiences??? 🎉