#but I won't because I want to go class
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Ngl I should probably go to hospital rn but I don't want to cuz I have class tomorrow and I don't want to miss it
#nothing serious!!!#thankfully!!!#just my leg decided to be an ass and get hurt#which is a big no no when you have a bleeding disorder#and I started a new medicine so if I take it I need someone to watch me for like an hour#but none of my roommates can do that cuz they don't have a car to drive me if I have a reaction#so if my lef doesn't get better the I'll get an appointment with the student health center#yknow#so that they can keep an eye on me for an hour in case I start fucking dying lol#but like#going now would prolly be preferable#but I won't because I want to go class
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A Thought:
As Emrys, Merlin is a very powerful sorcerer.
However, his utter lack of any formal training means Merlin is not a very good sorcerer.
The magic he does should be theoretically impossible, but he's got enough raw fucking power to just make it work. Infant demigod smashing blocks together and creating a Lego Death Star.
Merlin: *does magic that Should Not Work*
Other sorcerers:
AND THEY ARE RIGHT TO FEEL UPSET
IMAGINE YOU'RE A SORCERER. YOU'VE BEEN PRACTICING YOUR CRAFT, SHOOTING THE SHIT, LAYING LOW, PLOTTING PLANNING.....THEN THIS FARMY BOY TWINK SHOWS UP AND NUKES THE FUCKING PRIESTESS OF THE LAKE OF AVALON
I'D FEEL PISSED TOO
like, bro, you meet him, you're apprehensive of him bc 'shit that's emrys'. the emrys. the dude that's said to be the greatest sorcerer to ever walk the earth. you meet him. you can feel his magic and like holy shit, what the fuck was that??? you ask him how the fuck he gained so much power by the age of 21????
merlin: you mean....y'all don't also just have magic doing shit when you're a toddler
you, the sorcerer who has had to spend years getting control to fucking heat up a teapot: .........no.......no our magic doesn't do that
goddamn do you wanna just chuck this adult child into the lake and be done with it. better yet, you wish for the sprites to just pick you up and use your body as a sacrifice for entrance into Avalon.
and then, and then
you see how this motherfucker fights against bandits and "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU JUST PUSHING THEM AWAY??? WHERE'S THE SHOWMANSHIP??? THE PIZZAZZ??? HOW MANY SPELLS DO YOU KNOW???"
merlin, who forgot he can freeze time and space and can launch lightning bolts at people: uh....3???
it takes the triple goddess to restrain you from murking the prophesized warlock right then and there.
"NO, NO, FUCK THAT, FUCK THIS, FUCK ALL O' Y'ALL!" you scream as you jump on a ship and move to a place that doesn't have op young adult children who didn't study shit and yet still get an A+
#i could post this later.......but i won't so here we go#i am delirious it is......1:30 in the morning i should sleep and yet....here i sit#i hope this was enjoyable because this is the best fucking thing i've ever been granted the chance to read#headcanon fully accepted#this is canon#sorcerers hate merlin because he that's guy who always passes the class with flying colors but you know that bitch#sleeps during every lecture and never studied a day in his life#i know for a fact that gaius would have smacked merlin when they met but didn't bc this kiddo was too pure and sweet for this world#honestly a sorcerer who worked their ass off to be th best meeting s5 merlin who's tired & seen shit but only knows 7 spells#they would walk right out bc 'who tf does think think he is????' and merlin has had this interaction one too many time by then#bbc merlin#merlin#merlin emrys#headcanons#i want me screaming into the void at the witching hour to be my legacy
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I don't think anyone who believes Arya is focused on revenge has ever actually read her chapters, it's just been one long game of telephone where people repeat a take they heard so they can pretend they know what they're talking about
#arya stark#asoiaf#a song of ice and fire#and usually the evidence is that she's with the faceless men?? when it's been made clear she's with them because she has nowhere else to go#this isn't even subtext it's literally just what written plainly on the page but people still have trouble understanding it#Arya's focus has always been to return home and to her family and that hasn't changed + won't change in the future#if she truly wanted to hunt down the people on her list then why hasn't she ever thought about doing so??#or thought that she wants/needs to stay with the faceless men so she can learn their skills to take revenge?#people act like we don't have direct access to the character's thoughts and try and fill in the blanks based on assumptions and vibes#I challenge anyone who thinks this to give me any actually evidence to prove that Arya is solely focused on revenge#need idiots who lowered the curve of their english classes to stop speaking on complex characters they can't seem to comprehend#like Arya isn't the one poisoning a disabled child cause she was told she'd benefit from it worry about that instead of speaking on her
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The cognitive dissonance that says both that humans are inherently superior and also completely separate from the world and everything that's in the world is a very interesting one. It says a lot, I think, about how people view the world and others when they believe these things. The political implications of these ideas are vast and honestly staggering - because people both feel superior and separate from the world, they sometimes start to treat the world in that way.
I wonder how much of this is tied to hyperindividualism which posits that the way to live is to separate yourself from everything around you - to see the world as inherently lesser, inherently something to own and to find monetary value in.
At the end of the day:
You are inherently tied to the world you live in because you live in this world
You are inseparable from Nature™
You affect the world by loving here, just as the smallest wasp or the largest whale does. This is inevitable and isn't good or bad
Your worth is not tied in with how individualized you are, or by how much you separate yourself from the world
Whatever you do to ground yourself in this world, make sure it's something that fulfills you. It's honestly crazy how much this can open your eyes
#politics#nature#if this is worded poorly i can clarify but i was ranting about this to my dad lol#not going to lie having a hands-on/involved hobby (crochet) has made me insufferable...#...but that's because it's taught me SO much about the world and labour and what my place in both comprises of#and going to a very 101-level class has also made me realize more and more how interesting and absurd this world is#many people humanize nature and i personally don't like it#separating yourself from the world you live in won't save you i promise#at least for me when i tied myself into this world i realized that... i want to live
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so since I may be free this summer after all, would anyone be interested in an RP event that's a potluck? I've been wanting to do it for ages but there's never any interest compared to other themes
for a discord rp, I would make a separate server explicitly for this purpose so you don't have to be in any guilds or anything! I would also delete the server (or at least channel, if people would like an event-planning server long-term) after a week - enough time for people to read over their stuff but not preserved forever and ever.
#actually remembering to make this a week-long poll this time!#if you've never heard the term before: a potluck is an event where everyone brings a food they've made to share in a communal feast!#there is no skill floor for this - if you (your character in this case) only knows a simple cornbread recipe they follow by the book that's#-just as welcome as an elaborate roast#and I know people have brought things they bought instead of cooked (like a bakery pie)#the point isn't to show off your cooking skills as much as it is to come together as a community and share :)#its historical origins were a little more complex in function than that but I'm going with what I was raised with#but yeah. it's a theme I've wanted to do a while because it's so community#I AM upset that I won't be busy this summer (rejected from every internship I applied to and can't apply to ones that require a-#-drivers license which is uhh MOST OF THEM!#but my psych was saying it's probably good for me to have some rest and recovery time after this hell semeste#(it wasn't hell but two of my classes have really been fucking with my head)#I DID get to try out darting guns last week in my wildlife sampling/id classes though and I hit the target dead center both times!#and that was fun. but the writing assignments from those other classes are incomprehensible in rubric#OH RIGHT MY TAGS#gw2 open RP night#gw2 rp
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this white woman is threatening to call the police on me after she fucking sprayed bathroom cleaner in my fucking face and lashed out and told her to fuck off
#i know she wont call the police because wtf are they gonna do? im not at home in literally going to class#and i wont get home until the evening but the fact that she's threatening me because she wanted me#to lash out is so evil im manifesting her death idgaf anymore!!!#incase ppl are wondering she was outside spraying the door for a hour and im like im not walking past her#incase she says i did something to her. but then im like nah im gonna be late if i dont leave now#incase she says i did something to her. so i close the door but because she has the front door open my door slams#so she screams 'dont slam the door' and im like it only slammed because of the wind#and then im waiting for her to move and she won't so i just tell her i need to get past and she's like fuck off you piece of shit#and i just get riled up like don't fucking talk to me all i did was tell you i need to get past but you called me names#so im gonna do it back cause im not letting that slide. and she fucking sprays the cleaner at me#and then when im like what the fuck is your problem shes like i can get you arrested for being violent#and im like.... call them cause i haven't touched you 🤷🏾♀️ shes been dying to say that to me i know it#that low life penny smelling pile of white flesh will get whats coming to her i say she drop dead soon!#the reason why she was claiming i was being violent was because i kicked the air as a reflex response....#i didnt kick her. i kicked the air but shes going to run with that
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#nothing is more depressing than working on my cv#because I just don't feel like I have marketable skills#and so many of the writing and research posts I come across on job sites are like ''you'll be working alongside ai''#I even saw a copywriter post that said ''you won't be doing any writing or editing. you job will be to refine and improve ai prompts#so that the ai can more consistently produce the texts we need''#like hello#the person doing that job is literally making themself more obsolete by the day#so here's the plan#I need to take any job that pays vaguely well#and use that money to either do short corses#or save up to go so my masters#that conclusion is inescapable#just. for now I'm still stuck on step 1 : finding a decent job#and (perhaps I'm being too picky) but post covid I do not want to go back into anything in the tourism industry#it's too precarious and honestly just comes down to entertaining rich people which pushes me further left every time i think about it#I considered joining the communist party. but 1) they're still part of the tripartite alliance with the anc... which is a no from me#and 2) communist révolution should spontaneously happen in industrialised countries with surplus wealth when the proletariat arise#south africa does not have surplus wealth nor class consciousness really. it's still filtered through post apartheid racial groupings#which is unhelpful because the black bourgeoisie are not our allies just because they're black#and trying to impose communism in a society without the surplus wealth didn't work out too well throughout the 20th century#so what does that leave you with#parties like cope ? plagued by the same issues as the anc ? no thank you#(I did also study politics btw which is why I've even considered these career paths)#(although I haven't worked in politics or governance since graduation so maybe that doesn't even matter anymore it's been years)#all I want is a job that pays fairly and leaves me with enough free time to do my hobbies#I do not have the grindset I'll admit that#which is why I've enjoyed the art industry#but again. it just comes down to entertaining rich people in the small galleries which is needlessly stressful#and the larger non-commercial galleries and musea aren't hiring atm...#and that's it. rant over I guess since this is the 30th tag
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people won't fucking FORGET me i can't handle this anymore there's always a friend who wants to go someplace a friend who needs someone to go to the store with a friend who hasn't seen me in a while who wants to hangout, and i can't let those friendships decay i just can't i can't be this kind of asshole again, but it feels so shit it feels like i can't fucking relax cuz there's always something tomorrow something next week and something to do at school between classes and holy SHIT leave me ALONE please fucking stop talking to me i just want to relax and do things i enjoy.
#part of that is of course that ''going home'' isn't relaxing it's just waiting around for the next big anxiety-inducing event#and weekends aren't relaxing either because it's just more parent time#i do think my social battery would increase a little if i ever fucking get to live alone finally#but in the meantime i'm stuck doing community service because if i don't then nobody will#i can't refuse to do something helpful or nice for people when the alternative is going to binge and hate myself in my room#i just want to be far far away so badly#then i'll have an excuse#im well and truly stuck. either i go and i have a dreadful time before during and after.#or i don't and im missing out and im an awful friend.#before you hit me w the ''you're allowed to skip on an event your friends won't hate you!!!!''#i want to skip ALL OF THEM#and friendships are watered like plants okay my friends are legitimate not being friends w somebody who never hangs out#jesus christ i want a pause button i want to be stuck in a time loop for a little while#thinking about tomorrow makes me want to rope#i can go to school 9am to 3pm. but technically there's no class.#then my friend wants to go to the night museums for her birthday#which leaves like. five hours at least in the middle. in which we'll have to hang out.#and she wants to get food.#if at any point of that i go home it's the day my mom doesn't work so. i have to spend some more incredibly unsatisfactory time with her.#god it's making me want to rope even more than usual#vent#broadcasting my misery
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imagine: professor utonium mentoring dexter vs professor membrane mentoring mandark
#dexter & mandark are the only two kids in their district to qualify for some young scholar program & arr bussed off to take classes from#their assigned mentor once or twice a week.#dexter is at odds with himself about it at first. on one hand he's glad that his intelligence is finally being appreciated & nurtured in#some official capacity. let alone by a mind as lauded as the creator of the powerpuff girls. but on the other hand he would prefer to just#move on up to taking college courses entirely rather than have to go through this half measure. & he also gets a little disillusioned with#utonium when he realizes 1) that pretty much everything utonium is famous for was invented by accident including the ppg#& 2) outside of the ppg utonium hasn't achieved much more than dexter himself already has#meanwhile mandark practically kisses the ground that membrane walks on because he's so glad someone in his life recognize's his potential#& membrane sort of sees mandark as the son he wishes dib could be. he's never very open or affectionate about it though because y'know.#it's membrane#he never talks about his kids & sees them so rarely that mandark didn't even realize he had children of his own until like 3½ months into it#whereas utonium cannot shut up about his girls. nor would dexter want him to since they seem to be the most interesting thing about the man#utonium realizes pretty quickly that dexter doesn't need academic guidance so much as he needs social interaction with 1) people who won't#bully or belittle him for being who he is & 2) children his own age. so he starts subtlety encouraging his daughters to meet & befriend him.#I imagine that they come to visit him during his office hours regularly anyways so this happens pretty naturally.#also I think that even though utonium & membrane would definitely respect one another & collaborate well in a professional sense they don't#really mesh personality wise. utonium finds membrane to be far too cold & callous.#membrane thinks that utonium is basically a baby man who doesn't hold himself the way an accomplished man of science should.#ppg#powerpuff girls#the powerpuff girls#dexter's laboratory#dexter's lab#invader zim#headcanon#au#professor utonium#professor membrane#dexter mcpherson#(why is that his fanon last name again? where did that come from)
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School is draining any small motivation I had for art
or creativity in general
(tw: I got pretty much depressive in the tags but I needed to dump this somewhere and this may not be the best place but is where I feel better talking about my problems or insecurities, so feel free to ignore)
#vent in the tags#tw vent#i'm tired#and I hate that I'm tired#everytime I try to finish education is worst than the last time. my head can't take any sort of information from the class#no matter how many times they try to explain me or how many times I read and reread the same text#I can't focus. I can't memorize anything. I'm just sitting there in the classroom waiting for the 4 hours to finish to go back home#and spend the rest of the night just doing nothing. staring at the walls or doomscrolling till I have to go to bed and wake up again#for another day of fighting against an stupid anxiety attack in class because I'm going to fail this again#I hate school. I fucking hate it. the most boring stressing overwhelming way of learning#having the teacher talk for 1-2 hours straight and the student listening the whole time not saying anything is stupid#it's so fucking stupid they only want them to be mindless sheeps that only listen#because if you say anything 'no. you're wrong. I'm the teacher and I know better' fucking bullshit#this system is bullshit#and how am I supposed to study a whole school year of history. biology. math etc in less than 4 months??#everybody was like#'oh it's just 4 months and you'll be out of school!' 'in 4 months you'll get the education!' 'you can finish this in just 4 months!'#I fucking can't! I can't do this in such short time! I can't. focus. on 6. subjects at the same time. my brain can't!#and it's so fucking depressing. I have 4 opportunities to finish this. the longest it could take me is 2 years#I could just focus on 1 or 2 things each time but if I fail too many times I won't have another opportunity like this ever again#and I won't be able to finish highschool education and I. just. can't.#I'm tired of giving my biggest effort and not being enough. I'm tired of getting no satisfaction from any achievement I get#I hate so many things right now#and I have a lot more things in my head right now but I better shut up#you don't have to comfort me. it's ok. I'm not searching for confort. I just needed a place to dump my frustration or something#idk#you can ignore this#I might delete this later
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i was raised to be very polite and whatever and i get it. i like to be nice to people. but the whole "good morning! how was your day" and small talk stuff is just. unnecessary. i would find talking to people much more pleasant if we could initiate conversations with cool facts or interesting topics. i want to discuss interesting things not exchange niceties that everyone lies about anyway. i mean, if someone says 'how's it going' you have to say 'good' or whatever but you can't say 'life sucks can we move on from this?' it's silly to me. what i really love is when i meet someone and they have absolutely no filter. like yessss tell me your whole life story right now i need to know. it is much more interesting than the weather (though the weather is a good subject sometimes but i may just think so bc where i live has a tendency for wild weather. when it's good it's boring but starting a conversation with 'yeah i got locked out of the buildings when they auto-locked during the windstorm and had to grab a bench bc the pressure was enough to knock me over and the locks on the doors were constantly turning on and off so i had to figure out how to open the doors when i could sneak inside so that i didn't abandon other people to the brutal winds' like. that's fine. i like that but normal weather talk is boring)
#idk small talk is just boring imo#obviously i try to make it more interesting but people won't take that initiative and never expect it when i do it#i have a hard time reading people and understanding their motivations#it's probably one of the reasons i wanted to go into the psych field bc i want to learn how to#but when people will just straight-up tell me everything about them i'm happy bc that's much easier to understand#i get to form a whole mental file on them and fill it out#idk if i overshare i've been told that i either overshare or say absolutely nothing which makes sense#i have a tendency to switch between subdued and loud. i try to keep them separate though bc it's weird when people get to see both ends#i have to convince myself to be loud in certain places when i first go there or else i'll never talk at all#i usually get like one class a semester where i can talk and the rest are for listening#so a lot of people think i'm shy or whatever but no. you're just seeing me when i cannot speak it's not shyness#i think sign would be beneficial and i really need to get on that but no-one else knows sign :(#i've gotten off-topic but that's okay because my brain is beautiful and you all want to hear my every thought
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I really hate when class attendance is graded.
#I can't miss school tomorrow because#1. I know there will be an in-class quiz in one of my classes#2. all of my classes penalize your grade if you miss days and I need to save a day off for going to Aftershock next month#but I'm in such immense pain right now that idk if I'll be able to sleep. I can't take anymore medication but my painkiller isn't working#if I can't sleep or if I'm still in this much pain in the morning I don't think I'll be able to go to school#I can't drive on the painkillers I take and if I'm in this amount of pain come morning I won't survive the day without a painkiller#this is so sucky#like it's so early in the semester to even consider missing a class#I really don't want to miss a day. I want to be there. but right now it's unfathomable#I hate chronic pain. I hate TMJ. UGH#ashley rambles
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can these kpop boys please stop releasing new videos new music new content when i have a midterm to study for ☹️.
#every time i open yt to find background noise while i work......i see their faces and go NO. NO I WON'T WATCH and it hurts me#at least onsite classes r cancelled again tomorrow because of the heat. my exam is postponed too HUSHDSJAJ. which is both good n bad bcs#yay!!! more time to study!!! but boo!!!! bcs my agony is yet again PROLONGED!!!!#might tune in to the txt cb later as a treat 😔😔😔#GOSH i want to nap
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i need to get over myself and learn the languages i want to learn if i want to learn them like i just need to do it if i want to learn them then i should go out and learn them and like . fuck whatever else any of it means . yes it IS embarrassing to learn a language like the ones i want to learn as an adult but who CARES and yes i KNOW my grandparents will never want to speak to me in those languages but who CARES if it's important to me it can be important to me anyway
#had a moment last night bc i was apparently having an identity crisis which was random#but i had a moment where i was like well even if i learn all these languages no one in my family is going to want to speak to me#in those languages because of [insert reasons i don't need to go into here] and so ultimately none of this is like . cultural Really#it's just me wanting to feel as though i am connected to something when i will never be#and maybe that's true or maybe it isn't but if i want to learn them i should learn them anyway like . at the end of the day#i DO want to learn those languages and i think it would be interesting and i would love to be able to speak to people#in those languages even if the people i speak to aren't related to me and i would love to be able to speak languages that aren't english#and that all stays true even if i am not able to have the cultural connection through language with my own family#like i can go on and on about how disconnected i feel from my culture bc of everything that has ever happened in my life#but how i still feel alienated bc i'm Not White to white people and all of that is true but not learning a language doesn't make it#any better and maybe learning a language won't make it better either but i think it's a better use of my time#ALSO !!!!! NO ONE EVER GOES OH WHY WLD U LEARN FRENCH OR SPANISH [OR INSERT EUROPEAN LANG HERE] u have no real cultural connection to it!!!#so like why is it different bc i want to learn asian languages??? it's not! except in my head! or maybe irl too but i'm just saying#that i think i make all of this a much bigger deal than it has to be#that being said i did just try to look up classes and they r all for children and about keeping children culturally connected 2 their famil#l m f a o but that can't be ALL the classes ............. i'll work it out is what i'm saying and i need 2 get OVER myself#bc none of it is that deep and i can feel conflicted all i like but i should fucking DO smth about it at least#anyway i am posting this in the hopes that i can beat it into my own head bc i am sick and tired of being weird about learning#languages and i need 2 get over my weird cultural identity issues if i want to like . live a life where i don't want to explode and die
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Can my body stop hurting?!! Like I know, I'm hungry. I know I need food. But if I eat, it just comes back up because my body won't keep anything down. So why the hell does my body insist on making me feel my stomach do the thing! I want to be able to eat. I want to! I'm so tired of throwing up.
#i just#want answers#but there don't seem to be any#and i can't call the doctor until Monday#I'm so tired of this#I'm sure my teeth are getting damaged from all the stomach acid#and i can't trust that i won't shit myself because of how often i have diarrhea#i feel like my body is shutting down but no one will acknowledge it or tell me why#and i haven't been able to keep my psych meds down for days now so I'm likely to start spiraling there too#literally the only thing going well is my class#if this is the price for academic success i don't want to pay it#how the hell did i even get here#anyway#drink water you heathens
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another shit fucking day but in the most casual way possible bc all i did was sulk study cry study sulk and finally, sulk in the shower. chai next and then bed . fuck my stupid baka life forrealsies
#i almost had an argument w my mother over nothing at one point bc i was so anxious about nothing and everything at once and well#i keep thinking. idk what im doing anything for anymore#like when we were arguing i was like wait what if she brings up how shes giving me a ride to uni multiple times this week#and then i was like wait if she says that. I'll just tell her not to. and then ill skip class. and then ill drop my classes and get a refund#and then ill drop out of uni. and then ill kill myself!#mind you i was thinking about all of this and the argument didnt even go in that direction in the end bc it was over very quickly#ljke. what ks wrong with me#i keep thinking that if my parents get pissed at me for being good for nothing despite me trying my hardest not to be#i really will end it all finally like Actually#bc i dont understand anymore. why are they paying for my stupid medication and tuition#theyre too nice to me#i know they expect me to send them money in their ideal imagined scenario in which i get a good job after getting a masters degree#and i know they expect that I'll take care of them when theyre old bc in their ideal. imagined. scenario. i 1) dont off myself in the next#few years 2) am not a lesbian who ruins the whole family dynamic by coming out and 3) get a well paying job and a husband#so. so yeah#but right NOW theyre nice to me and they take care of me but also i think everything is pointless but i try anyway because they take care#of me and they want me to be well but how am i supposed to be Get Well if i don't believe in myself#like i dont think thats possible really.#maybe a tiny bit? like maybe i won't be Well but i can be better. yeah i can do that#so i guess thats why im still trying#but then it's like. being Better is so. marginally different from being at rock bottom in a way#like yeah its significant improvement clinically but to me it's still casually miserable in its own unique way bc it's better but its still#very much present lingering choking me etc#so that brings me to the following:#im trying so hard but for what exactly? 'just keep going!' but at what cost? but why when im still like this?#z.post
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