#but I think as queer people women poc etc you come to realize that you have to get creative with how you move with that pain and
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re: the masculinity construct thing, especially from an anthropological perspective—french anthropologist emile durkheim did a study about why middle-class, white, protestant men were more likely to commit suicide than any other social group & it yielded fascinating results about the way masculine socialization (amongst protestant cultures especially) lends itself to isolation and loneliness.
and yet MRAs and other people focusing on the woes of masculinity never seem to bring that up, as though they're ashamed to admit that they've been wrong this whole time, or that perhaps moreso that they're ashamed to acknowledge that everyone else was right.
that's really interesting! I found it very odd how the screenshots I posted were the extent to which anthropological findings were discussed in the episode because we're clearly missing out on a lot of interesting discussion about all the racial and cultural differences in the way men are socialized. can't tackle everything in a 2 hr long podcast episode obviously...but honestly, this is the deepest I've heard anyone interviewed on the topic on a mainstream media platform get to discussing the emotional and relational stunting of patriarchal socialization, so it was frustrating lol
another point that was brought up was that women seem to have a more "diverse portfolio" (their words) than men do in terms of their ability to flexibly self-define, which also touches on something I find fascinating about this whole thing - I think you're right that there's an aspect of shame that comes with realizing you're not emotionally or socially equipped to address the limitations of your socially-prescribed gender role, one thing the MRAs miss is that this is something that marginalized groups have to actively realize and contend with, and that this "diversification" of self-definition and meaning is something we have to choose to pursue, get creative with, etc....but this requires you to acknowledge the root of the problem and name it, which can be incredibly painful work, especially if you're angry and there's plenty of people out there ready to validate your impulse to live in that feeling 🤷🏻♀️
#it's been interesting to speak with some men irl about this particularly the white ones. some are shocked that you can even articulate#the feeling. I always think of how deeply wounded and angry at the world I felt when I first learned about patriarchy or when I came out.#there's a deep sadness that comes with understanding you were denied the tools to move about the world with emotional freedom#but I think as queer people women poc etc you come to realize that you have to get creative with how you move with that pain and#rage or let kill you lol (and hurt others around you). white men especially haven't gotten there yet
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One anti talking point that I don't often see addressed specifically is that many antis are coming from the perspective of, "racism and homophobia are bad and should not exist in media, and therefor these other things I think are bad also shouldn't exist in media." Idk if this is common all over but it's really common in my corner of fandom, especially since many of the fans are POC and/or queer and have experienced the effects of negative stereotypes and misinformation spread by mainstream media.
Obviously fandom and mainstream media are two totally different arenas and can't really be compared on that level, and also racism and incest aren't really comparable either, but I was wondering if other people have seen this specific argument and have any other takes on it.
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Yes, those takes are very common.
Most people are well-meaning, but this kind of thing often gets weaponized by assholes. The biggest problem with such arguments, in my experience, is that the "bigotry" a lot of people point to is badwrong porn with a person of that demographic or else a story that deals with bigotry.
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For big publishers, I think it can be quite fair to say "Hey, the author tried to write about this serious topic, but they did a piss poor job of it, and the editors should have done something about that!"
Admittedly, some of the times people say this, I think they're wrong that this particular work is poorly done, but the theory is sound. Because this is a commercial work, because it's big time, and because it had not just an author giving it the okay but multiple levels of agent, editor, etc., I think it's fair to say "Look, if you can't do it better than this, don't do it."
For fic, "You have to be at least this talented/skilled to ride this ride" is a much more contentious statement. Should we be telling some 16-year-old black girl that she can't write about tough subjects because she's kind of a crappy writer still? If she gets called out for racism, should we demand that she reveal her identity? Yikes, yikes, yikes.
Many complaints about fic that handles things poorly are really complaints about lack of skill, and that opens a huge can of worms in this amateur context.
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Many other complaints are like "You wrote rape fantasy about this character, so that must mean you're a racist who believes this stereotype". This is moronic and clearly not valid.
Quite a few people arguing this genre of argument seem to also spout a lot of radfem talking points without realizing it. They claim to be sex-positive because that's a buzzword we think is good, but they don't understand anything about common sexual fantasies and how untidy and messed up they tend to be.
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Some complaints are like "Racist porn contributes to societal racism". This one's more complicated.
I think that Big Black Cock type live action mainstream porn does contribute to societal racism. I don't just say that because it's playing with racist tropes but because we have a certain amount of evidence that 1. the target audience is white racists who hold these exact views and who are looking for confirmation of them and 2. the black performers get treated poorly on set. 2 is especially objectively clear and a big problem. We've seen black porn stars speak out about this issue.
Does the small amount of fanfic that actually plays with tropes of this type contribute in the same way? I doubt it, but it's reasonable to have questions.
Just given how humans are, there are going to be ethnic minorities with bigotry kinks the same way there are plenty of women horny for misogynist denigration in their porn. Any reasonable approach to this kind of thing needs to balance these perfectly normal fantasies with the need to not promote shitty ideology or mistreat performers.
That said, the majority of fic accused of being this is... well...
Full offense, it's clear that many people bitching about AO3 do not actually know what standard porn tropes look like in any non-AO3 context. A character having a size kink for feeling full or a character having a big or small penis without the other markers of racist kink is not the same thing. Anti-African American stereotypes are not identical to other racist stereotypes. In some cases, there's a lot of overlap. In others, there's very little.
Many fandom complaints about bad content sound like they come from dumb teenagers who've just heard of these tropes for the first time and who are reeeeeeaching to prove that they apply to their NOTP so they can win a ship war.
I am a lot more open to listening to theorizing on these topics from people who actually know what they're talking about, and that means a broad knowledge of porn and erotica and fic outside of AO3.
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smut and nsfw works can be very deranged sometimes but how is it fair to compare it to the actual harm of porn? even if there was absolutely 0 effect on the people watching it(such as increased likelyhood of sexual aggression, decreased empathy for rape victims, irreversible effects on the brain etc) the actors in porn videos would still experience what they experience. you can fantasize and preach till your mouth goes dry about the self-sufficient empowered sex workers who choose their own work, but it won't make the truth of millions of trafficked male and female children fueling the industry disappear. the high rates of suicide, addictions to get through the scenes, physical harm thats basically part of the job description? there is so many porn stars that have come out with their stories of what they experienced on set, yes even the successfull ones that went into the industry willingly. their abuse is not comparable to words on paper.
not the mention "my christian parents are against it so i must support it" is a very weak argument. its cringe shortsighted reactionary bullshit.
1) if there is increased likelyhood of sexual aggression, decreased empathy for rape victims, irreversible effects on the brain then how come millenials and gen z, which grew up on these, have a better understanding of consent, more egalitarian views on gender and sex, there's less teen pregnancy and less sex being had overall by the younger crowd even pre-pandemic. secondly, WHO is having an increased likelihood of sexual aggression? WHO has a decreased empathy for rape victims? because i'm sure you can point to america's flawless and amazing attitudes towards women and rape victims historically (sarcasm, in case you're too stupid to realize). studies show that men who access sex work have more egalitarian and feminist attitudes than those with antisex and antiporn sentiment
perhaps youre talking about the cis men who already are prone to abuse women and are using things like 'rough sex' and 'bdsm' as an excuse, and its more visible now? because that takes a lot of nuance to talk about and i agree with you there that this IS an issue, but these men would have found ways to do that anyway. perhaps the issue is not the porn itself but the society that encourages violence in an era where increased societal collapse is happening all around us? where the trend of backlash against women has been happening for over a decade and really isn't tied to porn/sex at all but more towards increasing feminist attitudes toward work and gender roles going mainstream?
2) so you're ignoring sex workers yet again, got it. because there's also a lot of sex workers who came out and said that they love their work, they love being a sex worker. and in either case, these are the same people who have been criminalized and brutalized by police globally, the main source of their abuse. in fact YOU can fantasize and preach til YOUR mouth goes dry about how its the worst industry ever while ignoring the millions of queer, disabled, women, and poc who are in this line of work and love it.
3) and are these millions of traffiked children in the room with us now? you think that if there were millions of traffiked kids, they'd show up in mainstream porn more, right? except they dont. 100 members of congress asked the DOJ to investigate OnlyFans bc of 80 possible instances of CSAM in the same time that facebooks 20 million cases went ignored by literally everyone. and who's the site thats getting punished? pornhub and other porn sites which have a well-documented effort of putting time, resources, and moderation of getting rid of this content that some users upload. endtraffikinghub was a fucking psyop by far-right christian orgs posing as 'anti-traffiking' orgs, oh my god. where the hell are you getting these numbers anyway? because CSAM is NOT porn and NOT the porn industry and its psychotic to equate them.
4) high rates of suicides, addictions to get through scenes. can you link any studies? and again, do you TALK to sex workers or do you just rehash claims made by these antiporn/"antitraffiking" "activists" who are almost always far-right christians in disguise (hello look at NCOSE, formerly known as morality in media) rather than the actual people who do the work? because i can point to you several thousands of people who show up to their non-porn non-sex work jobs faded as hell and also have suicidal tendnencies from being in those industries. the issue is LABOR & CAPITALISM, not sex and not porn.
5) sure, there is always cause for abuse of workers. but again that is a labor issue, because we live in a capitalist society and across the board there are workers being abused. sexual harrassment and assault is not unique to porn, and you're naive to think that lmao. if you truly gaf about getting rid of the industry you'd push for what sex workers are calling for, decriminalization. there are hundreds of sex worker unions who talk about the issues they face, and most of it is decriminalization. in india a union of 60k people recently won a big court case on this. its a labor issue if anything. the main source of abuse is extensive criminalization and banking discrimination which pushes people into poverty and homelessness as they're forced to do more irl work and come across the police who have been killing and raping sex workers this entire time.
6) and no, it's not a weak argument when we live in an increasingly christofascist state and world. its' actually a very very good argument for the suppression of sex and sex workers. because these same antiporn "activists" have co-opted feminist language and you're all falling for it and once again ignoring sex workers
and lets just clarify. people say "porn industry" and are referring to the sites like pornhub. the "industry" is where the workers are. there is no like, shadow overrulling company making all the porn. there are a bunch of filming companies who sex workers HAVE spoken out against and a bunch that they love to work for instead. there are millions of people who work on their own terms, from their own sites too. my PERSONAL opinion that has been motivated by listening to sex workers and reading both sociology and psychological research has been that i will always always always support the worker first before the industry. there are a lot of issues, that is true! but it's mainly a labor issue and sex workers have BEEN on the frontlines of negotiating for better working conditions. to say otherwise would be foolish and would show you simply dont pay attention. why do you think many of them go to use sites like onlyfans now over pornhub?
#long post#anonymous#antiporn#asks#TALK TO SEX WORKERS!!!!! STOP LISTENING TO NCOSE AND EXODUS CRY#anyway im not here to argue this because ur just wrong
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Elaborating more on thoughts relating to this post on a separate post so I don't take away from OP's points. There's a chance that none of this will make sense, or perhaps I'll come off as hurtful, and if either case happens please please please DM me or reply to this. Genuinely, I want to be a good person, don't be scared to approach. I'm just 18, I'm not gonna chew you out for anything
All of it is going under the cut because really, I'm just rambling and putting random thoughts together. Some swears, negativity, all that kinda junk, and I know it'll be long(also rbs are turned off because I do not want to deal with drama, college starts in a week)
I've never gotten any hate from the community for anything, I'll be upfront on that. I've only gotten 1 hateful ask in my entire time having this blog and the previous one I accidentally deleted. Irl is a slightly different story, but that isn't important to this. The worst I could even tell you specifically relating to the selfship community is not getting a lot of engagement on my posts, not getting asks when I rb ask games, and sometimes the occasional blocked out of nowhere by someone I believed I was friendly with.
I hope I've been nice in this community as well, I've been doing my best to be welcoming, open, and kind to anyone I come across. I also try my best to not complain about certain things(like lack of engagement), or even venting about irl stuff. Sure this is my blog, I can post whatever the hell I want, and to some extent I do, but I also try to have this place be one of comfort and recluse from the world. That what selfshipping was for me when I was younger, and it still kind of is, so I want others to to have that as well.
Admittedly, it's why I don't talk about real life issues often if at all. People can criticize me for that, but honestly I don't think it's fully necessary for me specifically to do so. I don't have enough followers to where me speaking about things would do much. Everyone who follows me would know about them already, and I would just be stating something that should be obvious to anyone who knows me even surface level(like killing trans/queer folk for being themselves is horrible, women should have control over their own bodies, black/poc people are equal to white people, etc etc). Genuinely, logically, I don't see any instance where I actually need to bring it up.
Also also, while yes, I'm lucky that I haven't gotten any hate, I do know people who were chased off of their own platforms because of the characters they liked, or even because they didn't know EVERYTHING about something. Their own f/o's creators or source material, an acquaintance/friend's f/os, or whatever else there is. I know of a person who was forced out with fire and pitchforks because they specifically liked a different version of a character, one where they weren't bad or anything. But because of the similar name garbage, people believed they liked an undead man who happily and openly murdered people and chased them out.
And honestly? The community has such double standards and is sometimes super online. I know I know, I'm a terminally online person too, I'm a hypocrite, but I still try to bind myself to reality and realize when some issues are, in all honesty, fucking stupid. You know how many people I've seen selfship with murderers? Not just "oh they're so misunderstood 🥺" characters either, I've seen Chucky(both human and doll), I've seen Jason, a bunch of different characters who openly enjoy murdering, who manipulate and torture, and almost none of them are openly hated or chased out with the same hatred and anger I've seen others get treated with. It's because it's not wrong. If it's not a real murderer and the person doesn't want/fantasize about doing that irl(basically bad mental issues), who cares? Genuinely, what's the issue? None, because most people don't have a problem at all with it unless it's a specific character they don't like much apparently.
As well as this, people are expected to know so much in this community. The dos and don'ts, who's right and who's wrong, what traits make a character wrong to selfship with, and the smallest mistake or unknown information can get their head on a stick. Ik a kind of big situation happen a few years back that's similar to what I'm talking about, but it's not the only thing I've citing. This has happened before, it's not a one time occurrence. Oh, you didn't know that this person you follow has an f/o who's some kind of abhorrent person? Well, to the shredder with you then. Oh, this person has an f/o who was once a bad person but has since grown and is doing good now in their source material? Well, you and the majority only know them as a villain, so go scream at them for liking such horrible things.
I'm not saying everyone is like this ofc, I'm not thinking that "oh the whole selfship community is bad I'm the only good one here. :(((" It's just that either a majority or perhaps a very loud and active part of the community are, and it sucks. The double standers suck, the demands lots have are so much, sometimes it could feel like more of a hassle than anything.
And I'll admit, I think most of it comes from the fact of what selfshipping IS. It's a form of selflove and everything, but it can go to far. "Too much of a good thing isn't a good thing for anyone." Too much confidence can make you an asshat, too much kindness can make you a doormat, too much of a specific profession or environment can make you jaded, and too much selflove can make you selfish and narcissistic. It's a safe space away from things, yes, but when you demand others do what YOU want because it'll make you more comfortable, it's just a whole mess. You need to block the tags, you need to block the people you don't like(you don't even need a good reason, blocking is free), it's up to you to curate your online experience. Like someone's art but hate a specific ship? Block the tag and keywords. This one Selfshipper annoys you and nothing else? Block them. Stop vagueposting and being so negative. You can say you're sad because you saw someone else shipping with your main, but don't name drop or be so specific that someone could figure out who.
I'll admit, the last bit comes from my own annoyances and experience. I stopped talking or joining any selfship servers because I had negative experiences. One situation specifically had someone upset that I shared an f/o with them that they were uncomfy sharing. I told them I don't talk about them often, and anytime I do I'll spoil it and have a warning. But it wasn't good enough for them apparently because they'd "click it and see/read it anyway." When they then went on to vent about it for more than a full day in the server's vent chat, it really felt like they wanted me out so they could be comfortable, all because they couldn't control themselves.
I'm sorry to be so mean, but sometimes you gotta man up. It's okay to not want to share, your f/os truly loves you, but it doesn't mean you're allowed to make demands out of others. You can ask for a tag to block, or a warning so you don't have to see, but that's all you can do.
I think that's it, sorry for all the emotion. As I kept writing I kept wanting to say more. I hope it makes some sort of sense lol
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What do you think of the current view of YA lit in the book community? A lot of it seems to be negative - YA doesn’t explore themes as deep as adult novels, people who read YA are limiting their reading experience, YA is too immature, etc. I’ve always been a YA defender because I’ve enjoyed many YA books and I do hate that many of these reasons can be rooted in misogyny since teen girls and women are the primary audience for YA. But also I’ve recently been reading more adult books and it’s hard for me to be satisfied with a lot of YA novels now and they just seem so formulaic and superficial. The genre just seems to have changed so much nowadays - like I remember when The Hunger Games came out and it was critically claimed, as it should be since it’s a fantastic series that examines a lot of complex issues like classism, authoritarianism, and consumerism. Since it boosted the popularity of the YA genre, though, it seems like now quantity > quality with so many YA books constantly being released that really don’t say or add anything new to the genre. They’re fun, but they aren’t as meaningful. But then again, YA books tend to have more diversity than many of the adult books I’ve read and less graphic sexual violence, which I prefer. And maybe we shouldn’t be holding YA books to the same standards as adult books. what are your thoughts?
Holy shit you sent this on April 10th, I am soooooo sorry lmao I was saving it until I had time to really put effort in and uh... time, man. idk.
I totally agree with you about how YA is viewed as being lesser, though it's... really, really not. I also agree that YA tends to be viewed that way because of who reads it. However, I don't think this problem is exclusive to YA. I don't even think it's exclusive to genre fiction, because I see people say things like "literary fiction is just white professor dudes getting a hardon for their pretty barely-legal student". Um, no, it isn't? But congrats on dismissing the variety of voices and perspectives available in literary fiction.
***WAIT I do need to add on the fact that I recognize that those two things are not the same - people being dismissive of what they think is a bunch of teen girl readers, and being dismissive of what they think is a bunch of straight white male readers. HOWEVER, my annoyance is based on the fact that it's actually dismissive of POC, women, queer people, people with disabilities in both cases. "Oh only teen girls read this" is supposed to be insulting to teen girls, and "oh only white dudes write this" is dismissive of the marginalized people who do in fact write in other genres.
Readers can be real snobs, no matter what they read 😂
I also understand the conundrum of wanting to defend YA when you're in it, and then starting to expand your reading horizons and being like "ohhhhh... that's what they meant.... uh...." There is a stark difference in craft between authors. And sometimes that's hard to see until you start to read more widely.
it seems like now quantity > quality with so many YA books constantly being released that really don’t say or add anything new to the genre.
Yes yes yes. It seems like so much of the YA community is just marketing. Book covers. Special editions. Book boxes. All this bookish junk that comes in the boxes. They are expanding to other genres now, like romance and stuff, because they realize these other genres can be profitable too.
On the one hand, I hope those authors are making bank from all this licensed content. Lord knows they don't make enough, unless they hit that tipping point where they become an SJM/Leigh Bardugo.
But on the other hand, I have felt for a few years now that I have been less of a reader in the online bookish community, and more of a customer. You need to be an influencer, you need to read the right - read: popular - books, you need to check those diversity boxes, you need to be up to Twitter book purity standards.
YA books tend to have more diversity than many of the adult books I’ve read and less graphic sexual violence, which I prefer.
Agreed. YA has strengths. It does seem more responsive to what readers ask for than adult fiction does, which is a plus. There is a reason that people are so into YA. If it's entertaining people, then who the fuck cares?
But then again, yeah. Sometimes those deficiencies are more glaring when you start reading more widely. However, I don't think that it's because of YA itself, I think those perceived deficiencies come from our expectations, and because, just like with literally everything, there are great examples and not so great examples! There are amazing romances and shitty ones. Amazing literary fiction and shitty literary fiction. I have read the most beautiful, captivating stories that were written for YA readers. I have read the shittiest, most boring crap that was written for adult readers. It's not useful to paint it all with the same broad brush.
To answer your last question, definitely - we shouldn't be judging these genres using the same standards. They are written for different reasons, for different audiences, the authors all have their own styles. Every reader has a type of story they are looking for, and tbh all that matters to me is if they can find it? When I need something that I just want to enjoy, I read for YA or romance. When I want to think more, or enjoy prettier prose, or more character-focused books, I will probably pick up adult or literary fiction.
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hey I have a question. Sorry if it seems like I’m being rude with it or something I’m just genuinely curious on your take.
If you’re anti censorship, are you also anti social media moderation? I feel that sometimes giving people temporary or permanent bans is needed if they harass people or spread misinformation.
I think sometimes band can be unfair, like the real example I’ve seen on YouTube of striking someone for calling out a popular channels animal abuse but not striking the popular channel .
just curious on your take!
Not rude at all! Genuine questions coming from a good place - or even genuine arguments against me coming from a good place aren't rude. It's when people come into my asks telling me i need to touch grass, calling me rude names, or accusing me of pedophilia for not agreeing with censorship that it's rude.
CW for this post, I will be offhandedly mentioning potentially triggering topics that I've seen people call for the total ban of, just remembered from off the top of my head. I don't necessarily like anything mentioned, they are just examples.
To answer your question yes and no. Moderation isn't censorship, when done correctly. I'm actually firmly pro moderation and tagging both. I don't believe that people should have to see shit they don't want to see, and moderation and tagging of online spaces will help stop people from, say randomly clicking open a tweet of furry porn.
I think the key here is direction. There's a difference between posting revenge porn of your ex and posting your own kink. There's a big difference between calling for the death of all furries and posting a montage of goriest scenes from horror movies. A difference between attacking others and posting for your own enjoyment.
And, look, it's absolutely a grey area. In general I say err on the side of allowing as much as possible, including things that most people will find unsavory, simply because what is "unsavory" changes from person to person. I might find rape-play porn uncomfortable, but my neighbor Sally thinks that trans women are all rapists and fetishists, savvy? The next person along the line loves rape play, thinks trans women are swell, and wouldn't harm a fly.
As long as no real people are being harmed (without consent), and as long as the content is properly tagged so people can avoid, I think it should stay up. I think moderation comes in when things aren't correctly tagged, or when people attack others.
So much of the fandom policing/censorship movement is extremely hypocritical, to the level where I firmly believe these people never actually follow their arguments through to their conclusions. They tend to attack people who follow ships they dislike, or kinks they dislike, then paint it in a coat of social justice so they can have warm fuzzy feelings about being bullies.
I don't think they realize that by calling for censorship of fandom spaces on a large scale, they paint a major target on the back of any historically oppressed group. Women, queer people, POC, non Christians, the kink communities, etc. all have been the targets of large-scale censorship in the past, and if any is implemented in the future I guarantee they will again.
Also, the reason I believe they are so hypocritical is you don't see these people campaigning (with the conservative christians) to remove books containing this content from libraries, tv shows and movies containing these things from being created. They don't care about these things because they don't actually believe in what they're saying. They want to stop individuals in online spaces from doing something that makes them uncomfortable, and don't have the wherewithal to recognise this, so they convince themselves they're morally superior instead.
#long post#shipping discourse#anti censorship#im making this impossible to reblog because im already dealing with ONE controversial post blowing up tyvm
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Ramblings on SamBucky and SarahBucky
1. As a queer POC in a biracial relationship, SamBucky becoming canon would be an absolute dream for me. 😍😩😭🙌🏼 I’ve never cared about a potential MCU ship this much before. HOWEVER, I do understand that the chances of this ship actually sailing are slim to none. So, I’m just happy to be here, lurking on Tumblr and AO3 for SamBucky content along with Stackie content.
2. If Marvel REALLY wanted to, it wouldn’t be hard for them to make Sam and/or Bucky queer. Sam could easily be gay and the only confirmation we would need for that is a simple comment from Sam or Sarah about an ex boyfriend etc. Bucky could so so easily be bi and all that would take is for him to say that when he tried the dating apps both men and women had so many tiger photos and he is so confused by that or something. Making these characters queer wouldn’t take a lot of hard work in terms of writing and it wouldn’t take more than several seconds of screen time.
3. I realize that it is unlikely that the MCU will offer us the kind of queer representation we hope for. Generally, queer stories in Hollywood are about coming out trauma or some other big narrative and just never something simple and happy. The best queer stories I’ve ever seen were the ones where no one was forced to talk about it - someone was just bi, and there was nothing to discuss. They are just living their life. That’s what I wish queer representation was in Hollywood on most days, but it isn’t. Not to say that our struggles should be erased, but we also just deserve some FLUFF you know? Unfortunately, I don’t expect that Marvel is working towards queer representation with any kind of real purpose that way. Sure, they intend to introduce a gay character in an upcoming movie, but the fact that it had to be announced and discussed and is some BIG DEAL is what I dislike about the portrayal of queerness in media. As it is, they are only just coming around to decent gender and racial representation. So better queer representation will unfortunately take some more time.
4. Personally speaking, even if no major queer ships became canon in the MCU, having some of the main heroes actually just BE queer in canon would be MORE than enough for me rn tbh. 🤞🏼
5. I must admit that my interest in SamBucky actually stemmed from the clear chemistry between Stackie. Anthony and Sebastian have SO MUCH vibrant joy, love and respect between them that I started to see so many possibilities for SamBucky. This means that I can also easily understand how some people don’t see any romantic undertones in SamBucky at all. I was someone that didn’t really see many romantic undertones in Stucky (though I would have been FULLY onboard of it becoming canon). What I saw there was deep friendship. So, I know that what I see in SamBucky now could just be something I’m projecting based on what I see between the actual actors. I’m not denying that there is some queer coding in SamBucky canon or Stucky canon. But sometimes I feel like those moments in most of the fan favourite ships are just fan service crumbs and nothing else. And even then, I think some of it might even be done without any real intentions to queer code. It could all just be a simple nod to the BROMANCE, if you will.
6. Marvel has no real excuses for not making Bucky bi/pan, but I see how they might actually struggle with making Sam queer. Our new Captain America being a black man is something complicated in and of itself as shown in TFATWS. Making him queer on top of that would make his acceptance by the general public as the new Cap vastly more complicated, even within the MCU universe (at least in the eyes of the people creating this universe). It can obviously be done, but I don’t see that Marvel would believe they can go there with ease. In fact, they might even think that trying to go there might switch the narrative even more from Sam’s heroics to his personal life, which really isn’t what the MCU is about. For this reason, even if Bucky becomes canon bi, I don’t think Sam will ever really be canon gay/bi/pan, making the SamBucky ship something that will never realistically sail. 🥺💔
7. Being realistic (and sad 😔) about SamBucky never actually having a chance of happening in canon brings me to SarahBucky - another beautiful chance for a biracial ship. One that can very easily happen (literally, it only took one smile and hello for this ship to take off because of the blatant heteronormativity in media - le sigh). At least if this ship sailed though, there will be SOME beautiful biracial romance representation AND it would be hella comedic when Sam and Bucky become in-laws 😂. Think of the potential there. Seriously, just give it a minute.
8. I know it’s TOTALLY unfair that there could be so much love and care between two male or two female characters and still a hetero relationship with just one vague moment has infinitely better chances of becoming canon. But that’s unfortunately where we are still, and hating on SarahBucky won’t fix that. SamBucky is incredibly unlikely to happen (though I will always keep my fingers crossed), so if SarahBucky has any chance to actually happen, we shouldn’t get angry about it and boo it. At least I’m not going to. Supporting the chance to see a new biracial ship on screen, especially one with a beautiful strong-willed dark skinned woman and a mother of two, is a good thing. And personally, I support at least one of the Wilsons to get that 106 year old dick! 😉
#The Falcon and The Winter Soldier#TFATWS#James Buchanan Barnes#James Bucky Barnes#Bucky Barnes#Samuel Wilson#Sam Wilson#The Winter Soldier#The Falcon#Sarah Wilson#Stucky#SamBucky#WinterFalcon#Stackie#Anthony Mackie#Sebastian Stan#Marvel MCU#MCU#Marvel#Disney+#SarahBucky#For Ships That Never Sail
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Thoughts on Wilbur Soot? I want a full-blown essay at least 10k words/j. All jokes aside, this is an amazing blog, I come to it every day to see if you've posted something new :]. Keep going forward OP, you're truly amazing.
That is so sweet 😢 (/gen)
I was really gonna write, “I dunno, I just think he’s a nice dude,” but then you asked for 10k words, so now Imma actually rant. Wilbur’s probably one of the first people who got me back into Minecraft, around 2019, and he was the first person I felt comfortable enough watching the Dream SMP vods from, back in November.
First of all, the guy’s fricking gorgeous, like, ???? I never see any simping for him on my dash, and I’m just like ??? I’m not very good at simping over people’s appearances myself, so all I will say is that he’s fricking beautiful, jfc.
Second of all, I’m a music nerd, okay, and I really fucking like his singing. Back then, I listened to his music covers so much that I learned the lyrics from songs I’d never even heard of before I started watching Wilbur, by heart. Lol it helps quite a bit that a good chunk of my musical taste is made up of Life is Strange-esque, shitty indie songs that fit right into the covers he made back when he first started streaming. I’ve listened to YCGMA so many times that I have that same familiarity I have with songs I’ve listened to for literal years, knowing exactly what song comes next and when each measure ends and when the breaths are taken, etc., etc. He doesn’t have much finnesse when it comes to the technical qualities of his singing abilities, but he’s a damn good musician. His lyrical composition, chord progressions, little guitar riffs, emotion - ahhh, I just love Wilbur Soot’s music so much. I’m certain I’ll be listening to YCGMA in the middle of the night, when I need a good cry, for years to come lol.
Third of all, I really, really appreciate his openness about his mental health just, so much. He talks about his anxiety and getting depressed so candidly, he so easily lets his audience know about what kinda mental state he was in during uni and as a teenager and while he wrote YCGMA, and it makes me feel so normal. As dumb and cliched as it is to need a public figure to validate my own lived experiences, I do, and for someone like Wilbur Soot to succeed and be so talented, encouraging, empathetic, and socially active, despite losing motivation and energy at times, gives me a little bit of hope for myself.
Fourth of all, I mean, the guy’s fucking hilarious, are we forgetting this? People always talk about his talents music-wise and writing-wise, or how nice he seems to be, but they always gloss over his genuine comedic ability, and I ??? It takes so much to keep my attention these days, and Wilbur Soot’s videos are still some of the only ones that can manage that feat. He has undeniable chemistry with practically any CC he meets, his editing style is just *chef’s kiss*, and his laugh somehow makes even the most mundane of jokes seem fucking hilarious, it’s just such a delight to watch or listen to him do bits, man.
I left the best for last, lol. The main reason I fricking love Wilbur Soot is his political consciousness and the fact that his political beliefs align pretty well with my own. I’ve dealt with cishet, mostly white guys, both on and off the Internet, for so many damn years, and it’s exhausting. I am so tired of deconstructing myself and suppressing myself for the sake of social interaction, community-building, preventing ostracization, and being able to consume content without feeling enraged or hopeless. It is an exhausting endeavor to want to like and love all the gamers I’ve watched since middle school, and having to just push down and numb the parts of me that want to flinch at offhanded jokes and comments and exclusion from online spaces. Wilbur Soot is a whole other breed of CC. Lol uhhh, I guess he’s what most of the people in the social media circles I used to frequent would call, “a feminist cuck” and “self-hating white guy.” Which all really just means that he goes just beyond human decency. Don’t get me wrong, I do not by any means let white, cishet guys dictate my self-worth anymore, or even let them educate me; that’s what all the wonderful female and POC and queer CCs that I’ve discovered over the years are for. But there’s still something deeply satisfying about listening to this person who fits all the demographic checkboxes of the kinda person who used to make me feel so Other and Wrong, instead rant about how teenage girls can’t express their interests without being denigrated for them out of deeply-entrenched misogyny, or about how society needs to stop villanizing poor people and realize that government aid and social services do a great service for community betterment and are not just used by people supposedly leeching off the taxpayer’s dime.
That’s not even to mention the fucking beautiful satire of the E-Girl Trilogy. I always wanted to rant about this, but I don’t know how exactly to put it into the proper words... Basically, as someone who has spent years and years retconning, observing, and caught in the midst of incels, conservatives, and just extremely depressed cishet men of all races, I am deeply familiar with all the resentment, anxiety, misogyny, homophobia, gender essentialism, and self-hatred that goes into creating the average 20-something man’s view on women, society, romance, friendships, and sex. The E-Girl Trilogy is fucking brilliant because it so accurately captures this cocktail of emotions and ideologies, creating a fucking perfect caricature of the average man who looks and is just like Wilbur Soot. The persona is so well-crafted that most listeners who aren’t familiar with Wilbur as a person, or his political views, actually believe these songs are genuine and empathize with the narrators, can you imagine? And the fact that, in the process, Wilbur himself realizes that all of it is a fucking joke, that the narrator’s views on his love interest are weird and creepy and not at all normal or correct, is what makes it genuine satire. He embodies something so perfectly, only to mock it in the process of showing off how much he can embody it... I love satire, but I fucking suck at writing or accurately embodying it, so I’ve always been so fucking jealous of and beyond impressed by the E-Girl Trilogy’s use of satire.
Lol this isn’t 10k words, but it was much longer than I fucking thought it’d be. Basically, I really like Wilbur Soot, and writing all of this made me realize just how much I missed watching his VODs and streams...
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Pre-Rewatch Notes
So since I’m going to be doing a mix of in-timeline and full retrospective text value of the canon, one of the things I’d like to actually get out of the way is the Key Concepts of the eras, most explicitly Kripke and Dabb as the start and end.
The Key concepts are the single most important framework in media studies. They have evolved as a means of understanding a text by using a critical framework, rather than just making unconnected and meaningless observations. Throughout the course, you will need to refer to the Key Concepts and use the terms you learn when analysing media texts. One way to remember the Key Concepts is to use the mnemonic "RAILING". Representations, Audiences, Institutions, (Media) Language, Ideology, Narrative, Genre.
(also sometimes called MIGRAIN if using Media Language to clarify rather than spoken language)
With this as my note in front of the cut, I’m going to drop the rest behind one while I try to sort out the RAILING of the show before I even try to start establishing long term collective rewatch arguments on the canon. I do also invite some discussion on these, as in, if you feel my markers are off, or if I’m missing anything that I could probably negotiate the text.
Pulling, for my sanity, from here [x]
SO FIRST TO DEFINE:
Media Language
This is how media producers communicate their ideas to the audience.
Below are some examples to think about when considering media language:
Images used
Words used
Use of colour
Signs and signifiers
Connotative meaning
Use of sound
Iconography
Camera angles and picture composition
Institutions
The companies who produce the media.
Fox, Disney, CNN, the BBC, Warner Brothers etc will have a set of Institutional Values; beliefs on aspects of life e.g. their political stance or moral beliefs etc. Also, whether they have to make large profits for a board of directors.
These institutional values will guide what their media products include.
You should consider who made a particular media product and what
impact this has on that product.
Genre
The style of the media form.
A film could be Horror or Action.
A book could be Fantasy or Thriller.
A computer game could be RPG or Sports Simulation.
A website could be News or Social Networking.
Representation
How media producers show a thing, person or group of people.
May be positive or negative.
Why have they chosen to show them in this way?
Think about the 5 w’s: who, what, where, when and why?
Audience
The people who buy and consume media.
Who are they?
What do they want from the media product?
How does the media product fulfill these wants?
Use theories such as Uses and Gratification theory.
Ideology
Ties in with Institution.
What values and beliefs underpin the product?
How does this fit with the values of society?
Narrative
How is the text structured?
Use Todorov’s Theory of Narrative Structure.
Use Propp’s Character Theory.
Use Strauss’ Theory of Binary Opposition
I’m going to use VERY shorthand notes on these moving forward.
So here’s what I see off the cuff:
KRIPKE ERA
Media Language
Faded film stock to denote horror; darkness; emphasis on SFX like footsteps. Grim cinematic. Eventual christian imagery overlapping urban myth icons. Faded color palettes. Fairly classic color use (pink or white for femininity or purity, etc). Nostalgic classic rock/music. Nostalgia, general. Muscle cars. "Classic american masculinity." Hopelessness seeking hope.
Institutions
WB, CW, and the timeline of 2005-2009. Kripke, Singer. Manners. McGee. Sgriccia.
Genre
Horror, survival, drama
Representation
Americana, working class america, "american masculinity", fraternity; Sam and Dean vs the world with occasional help from other friends or family in the life. Metanarrative hostility to issues like queerness reflective of both time and institution at the time.
Audience
Originally targeted at young/teen men (to “not be like other girl shows on the network”), became split demographic. Split conservative and liberal demographic. Discussion on how these are handled will come up over the study.
Ideology
Fraternal bonds. Arguably, family. Hero's sacrifice for the greater good.
Narrative
Campbell, Hero's Journey; Rule of Cool; Christendom; Man vs Divine
GAMBLE
Media Language
Film stock, brightness, saturation at fairly standard media level -- sometimes unstable. Standard cinematics. Residual christian imagery overlapping lovecraft. Decline in classic music from Kripke. Unclear or unreliable interpersonal messaging. Arguably southern gothic. Hopelessness.
Institutions
WB, CW, and the timeline of 2010-2011. Gamble, Singer. McGee. Sgriccia. Norman Bee. Edlund.
Genre
Teen Drama, Adventure
Representation
Established characters Sam and Dean. Fraternity. Sam and Dean vs the world.
Audience
Originally targeted at young women, became split demographic. Split conservative and liberal demographic. Discussion on how these are handled will come up over the study.
Ideology
Brothers quarreling; fight monsters; I don't know. Did she know? "Everything is tragic but have some dick jokes"
Narrative
Lovecraft. Does anyone know. "I need to make more episodes"
CARVER
Media Language
Brightened film stock with increased saturation establishes fantasy setting. Smash cut interruptions to former grim cinematics offset more hopeful visuals. Fairly media standard lighting and color use in related fantasy cinema. Found family. Hope against hopeless odds.
Institutions
WB, CW, and the timeline of 2012-2014 (arguably 2015). Carver, Singer. Glass. Sgriccia.
Genre
Fantasy, Adventure, drama
Representation
Widened character base. Widened hero's journey arcs (castiel). Masculinity messaging of the past has not vanished, but has dampened and become less hostile to the LGBTQ and woman audience. Regular Cast widened (Crowley, Castiel)
Audience
Split gender demographic. Split conservative and liberal demographic. Split age demographic from targeting vs duration. Increasingly digital demographic and marketing; begins increasing queer, poc and other audience. International boom (Netflix deal, digital 2012+). Discussion on how these are handled will come up over the study.
Ideology
Found Family, Hope against odds. Free Will highlighted. Destructive or harmful relationships. Humanity. The human journey.
Narrative
Self-established TV episodical, largely internal lore, residual christianized mythos or christendom. Castiel acquires first proper hero’s journey personal arc/lens. Multiple relationships vs world, man vs world
DABB
Media Language
Carries from carver; largely identical but more close-up shots and interaction shots for drama focus. Internal color pallate unique to its own while still interacting with Carver standard media pallate.
Institutions
WB, CW, and the timeline of 2015-2020. Dabb, Singer. Sgriccia. Buckner, Leming. S15: Berens. CW has begun rebranding into a “queer friendly” platform with unreliable results.
Genre
High-fantasy, drama, arguably soap.
Representation
Carries heavily from Carver, plus. Expansion of queer creatives adds queer voice to the text. Queer text manifests over time into show's canon text. Lack of metanarrative hostility has become space for queer text. Attempted routine inclusion of women, queer characters. While not a queer piece, establishes queer narrative with roots as far back as Kripke. While still maintaining strong leads, Regular Cast and other leading cast has expanded (Crowley, Castiel, Jack, other major recognizeable faces: Rowena, Wayward). It flirts with ensemble presentation without ever landing on it wholly.
Audience
Split gender demographic skewing towards women. Split conservative and liberal demographic skewing towards liberal. Multiple generations of demographic from longevity. Primarily digital demographic and marketing (top 99.9% digital but a bottom live ratings performer on live TV outside of the CW); primarily queer, poc and other audience. International boom. Discussion on how these are handled will come up over the study.
Ideology
Found family. hope against odds/defining the odds. Free Will vs authoritative power. Psychological rebuilding*. The family journey. The family unit. Non-nuclear families. (finale not withstanding)
Narrative
Self-established TV episodical, largely internal lore, subverting christendom and authority with alchemy or gnosticism. Optimism vs Nihilism. Contrasting ending (see: Nihilism) Campbell. Other characters, like Jack, begin claiming narrative presence like Carver era Castiel, whereas Castiel maintains or expands on his. Man vs Divine vs Man IS Divine
These will be used to address the text during the large scale rewatch.
Each era has its own parameters to best address its showrunners’ visions in. Each era will receive snapshots unto itself, or snapshots also only in regards to how it adapts to the previous text. On the other hand, as half the goal is also a full retrospective to address the complete body of the text since the show stands as a complete body of word and I shouldn’t change my tools over and over again throughout for the complete-text study the same way I will by showrunner era.
I’m going to make a PITCH on the most likely way to give this a strong reading through to prepare what targets to keep an eye on as they evolve. This may change along the way if at any point I realize the first-glance overview was wrong, but
OVERVIEW MIGRAIN
Media Language
The growth from hopeless dark into vivid potential; the lost heroes still oblivious to the world, their vision distant and dark to begin. Contrast faded dark to vivid and bright as much over timeline as Carver did between shots. Consider addressing the increased interpersonal camera work that blooms in later seasons for commentary in regards to the increased interpersonal complexity and growth of the cast.
Institutions
WB, CW, and the timeline of 2005-2009 as the holdover of some audience being maintained with inevitable pressures from the outside world of 2020 forcing change.
Genre
Survival, drama, fantasy
Representation
Americana, fraternity, family; Split Hero's Journey Narratives. Late-end queer story affirmation demands a look at the body of the text for its queer journey throughout, though the work itself should not be expected to perform as an LGBT genre work but rather a Survival-Drama-Fantasy work with queer characters. Loved ones versus external forces.
Audience
Too shifting to consider in the target read anymore.
Ideology
Expanding knowledge. Growing expansion of the world first to find, then surpass and subvert God--or at least their intention. The growth out of expectations of work or behavior into passions and dreams. Finding and pursuing hope. Fraternal bonds. Family, Found Family. Queerness. Hero's sacrifice for the greater good, but to find and define what that greater good is, one must know the self through the family. Free Will vs authoritative power. Psychological rebuilding*. The family journey. The family unit. Non-nuclear families.
Narrative
Campbell, Hero's Journey; Occasional intertext (On the Road, Vonnegut, Lovecraft). Varied mythos, best collected and then addressed and subverted through gnostic thoughtform per the ending.
Comments, critiques, criticisms, ideas to add, things I may be missing?
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on fujoshi and fetishization
Lately, more and more, both here on tumblr and on other sites, I keep seeing people spew unfiltered hatred at fujoshi - that is, women who like mlm content such as gay fanfic and fanart featuring men with other men. And I don’t mean like a specific type of fujoshi, like the ones who are genuinely being weird about it, but just like a general hatred for girls (but especially straight identifying girls) who express love for gay romance.
I hate to break this to you all, but women (including straight women!) actually are allowed to like mlm fanfiction and fanart, even enthusiastically so. A woman simply expressing her love of gay fanfic, even if it is in kind of a cringey way or a way that you personally don’t like, is NOT automatically fetishization.
I’ve been on the receiving end of fetishization for my entire life, from a very young age, as many black and brown folx have, so I consider myself pretty well acquainted with how it works. Fetishization isn’t just like, being really into drawings of boys kissing, or whatever the fuck y’all are trying to imply on this god forsaken site.
Fetishization is complicated imo, and can encompass a lot of things, such as (but not limited to):
1 - dehumanization, e.g. viewing a group of people as sexual objects who exist purely for entertainment purposes, rather than acknowledging them as actual people who deserve respect and rights
and
2 - projecting certain assumptions onto said people based on their race/sexuality/whatever is being fetishized. These assumptions are often, but not always, sexual in nature (like the idea that black people in general are more sexual than other races, etc etc etc).
I’m going to use myself as an example to illustrate my point. Please note this isn’t the best or most nuanced example, but it is the most simplistic. A white person finding me attractive and respectfully appreciating my black features as part of what makes me beautiful is not, on its own, fetishization. A white person finding me attractive solely or mostly because I’m a PoC is now in fetishization territory. Similarly, assuming I’m dominant because of my blackness (like saying “step on me mommy” and shit like that) is hella fetishistic.
That being said, theres definitely a difference between how fetishization works in real life with real people, and how it shows up in fandom.
Fetishization manifests in many different ways in fandom, but most commonly on the mlm side of things, I personally see it appear as conservative (or centrist) women who love the idea of two men together, but don’t actually like gay people, and don’t necessarily think LGBT+ people deserve rights (or “special treatment” as its sometimes dog whistled). These women view queer men as sexual objects for entertainment rather than an actual group of people who deserve to be protected from systemic oppression. I’ve noticed that they often don’t even think of the men they “ship” together as actually being gay, and may even express disgust at the idea of a character in an mlm ship being headcanon’d gay. In case its not obvious, this is pretty much exactly the same way a lot of cishet men fetishize lesbians (they see “lesbian” as a porn category, rather than like, what actual LGBT people think of when we read the word lesbian). There’s a pretty popular viral tweet thread going around where someone explains seeing this trend of conservative women who like mlm stuff, and I have also personally witnessed this phenomenon myself in more than one fandom.
The funny thing is, maybe its just me buuuut.... The place I see this particular kind of fetishization happen most is not in the anime/BL fandom, from which the term fujoshi originates - I actually see these type of women way way more in western fandom spaces like Supernatural, Harry Potter, and Hannibal. I can’t stress this enough, there’s a shocking amount of people who are like, straight up trump supporters in these fandoms. If you want to experience it, try joining a Hannigram or Destiel group on facebook and you will probably encounter one eventually especially if you happen to be living through a major historical event. Like these women probably wouldn’t even be considered “fujoshi”, because that term doesn’t really apply to them given they aren’t in the BL/anime fandom, yet they’re the ones I personally see actually doing the most harm.
Of course this isn’t the ONLY kind of fetishizing woman in the mlm/BL world, there are other ways fetishization shows up, but this is the most toxic kind that I see.
A girl just being really into BL or whatever may be “cringe” to you, or she may be expressing her love for BL in a “cringey” way, but a straight woman really enjoying BL is not, on its own, somehow inherently fetishization. Yes, sometimes teenage girls act kind of cringe about how much they like BL and that might be annoying to you, but its not necessarily ~problematic~.
That being said, IT NEEDS BE REMARKED that a lot of the “fujoshi” that you all hate so deeply, are actually closeted trans men or nonbinary people who haven’t yet come to terms with their gender identity, or are otherwise just NOT cishet. I know because I was one of these closeted people for years, and I honestly think tumblr and the cultural obsession around purity is one of the many reasons I was closeted so deeply for so long.
STORYTIME LOL!!!
In my early adolescence, I was a sort of proto “fujoshi”. I identified as a bi girl who was mostly attracted to men, or as most (biphobic) people called it, “practically straight”. I wrote and read “slash” fanfic and looked at as well as drew my own fanart. We didn’t use the term fujoshi back then, but that’s definitely how I could have been described. I was obsessed with yaoi, BL, whatever you want to call it, to a cringe-inducing degree. I really struggled to relate to most het romances, so when I first discovered yaoi fanfics (as we called them at the time), I fell in love and felt like I finally found the type of romance content that was made for me. I didn’t know exactly why, I just knew it hit different. LGBT+ fanart and fanfiction brought me an immense amount of joy, and I didn’t really think too hard about why.
At some point, in my early 20s, after reading lots of discourse™ here on tumblr and other places like twitter, I started to get the sinking feeling that my passion for gay fanfiction was ~problematic~. I had always felt a sense of guilt for being into mlm content, because literally anyone who found out I liked BL (especially the men I dated) shamed me for liking it all the fucking time (which btw is literally just homophobic, like can we talk about that?). In addition to THAT bullshit, now I’m seeing posts telling me that girls who like BL are cringey gross fetishists who inspire rage and should go die?
Let me tell you, I internalized the fuck out of messages like this. I desperately wanted to avoid being ~problematic~. At the time, I thought being problematic was like the worst thing you could be. I was terrified of being “cancelled”, before canceling was even really a thing. I thought to myself, “oh my god, I’m gross for liking this stuff? I should stop.” I beat myself up over this. I wanted so badly to be accepted, and to be deemed a Good Person by the internet and society at large.
I tried to shape up and become a good ally (lmfao). I stopped writing fanfic and deleted all the ones I was working on at the time. I made a concerted effort to assimilate into cishet culture, including trying to indulge myself more deeply in the few fandoms I could find that had het content I did enjoy (Buffy, True Blood, Pretty Little Liars, etc). I would occasionally look at BL/fanfic/etc in private, but then I would repress my interest in it and not look for a while. Instead I would look at women in straight relationships, and create extremely heterosexual Couple Goals pinterest boards, and try to figure out how I could become more like these women, so I, too, could be loved someday.
This cycle of repression lasted like eight years. Throughout it all, I was performing womanhood to the best of my ability and trying to become a woman that was worthy of being in a relationship. I went in and out of several “straight” relationships, wondering why they didn’t make me feel the way reading fanfic did. Most of all, I couldn’t figure out why straight intimacy didn’t work for me. I just didn’t enjoy it. I always preferred looking at or making gay fanfiction/fanart over actual intimacy with men in real life.
Eventually, I stumbled upon a trans coming out video that someone I was following posted online, my egg started to crack, and to make an extremely long story short, after like 3 years of introspection and many gender panic attacks that I still experience to this day, I realized that I’m uh... MAYBE... NOT CIS..!? :|
I truly believe if I had just been ALLOWED TO LIKE GAY STUFF WITHOUT BEING SHAMED FOR IT, I probably would have realized I was trans way way sooner. Because for me, indulging in my love of gay romance and writing gay fanfic wasn’t me being a weirdo fetishist, it was actually me exploring my own gender identity. It is what helped me come to terms with being a nonbinary trans boy.
Not everyone realizes they are trans at age 2 or whatever the fuck. Sometimes you have to go through a cringey fujoshi phase and multiple existential crises to realize how fucking gay you are AND THATS FINE.
And one more thing - can we just be real here?
A lot of anti-fujoshi sentiment is literally just misogyny. omg please realize this. Its “women aren’t allowed to enjoy things” but, like... with gay fanfics. Some of the anti-fujoshi posts I see come across my dash are clearly ppl projecting a caricature they invented in their head of a demonic fujoshi fetishist onto any woman who expresses what they consider to be a little too much enthusiasm for gay content and then using their perception of that individual as an excuse to justify their disdain for any women, especially straight women, ‘invading’ their ~oh so exclusive~ queer fandom spaces.
god get over yrselfs this is gatekeeping by another name
idk why i spent so long writing this no one is even going to read it, does anyone even still use this site
*EDIT: HOLY SHIT WHEN DOING RESEARCH FOR THIS POST I FOUND OUT THAT Y-GALLERY IS BACK OMG!!!
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So I havent been on in a while. My account is as dry as a raisin but I thought I could try to make a comeback with some thoughts I just want to talk about.
Trigger and Content Warnings:
Slurs, bigotry, hatred, violence/the threat of violence, death mention, swearing, mentions of sex/sexual items,
For those of you who dont know, Im a transgender man. Assigned female at birth (AFAB) and am currently 16. I knew i was trans since I was 13 and started socially transitioning a few months after I came out.
I came out at high school when I was 13 and have been openly out and queer ever since I was a sohpmore. I'm a junior now, and I've had a bit of experience with my community, both lgbtq+ and my high school community.
My high school community is red, conservative. I live in the western side of North Dakota, what can you expect?
There are bigots and haters ans anti-trans and anti-lgbtq+ everywhere I walk on tbe daily. Yet despite this I am one of the only lgbtq+ students that remains openly out, despite the fear of where I live.
There's always been transphobia and homophobia around me, I get misgendered on the daily by students and even teachers. Words are thrown without care, like Gay as an insult, or Faggot, or Queer. Other students are called gay any time they dont outwardly talk about other people with different genitals than them. At this point Im apathetic to it when I encounter these situations, because it is so unfortunately common.
Nothing ever makes this right of course, and as much as I would love to be outward against these bigots, its several hundred, even a thousand hormonal immature mostly white religious people versus me and I've got to pick and choose my battles.
Maybe you think that makes me a part of the problem, but quite frankly me and my family cant afford it if I get hurt or even get killed due to ridiculously high hospital debt and the funeral costs even.
Keep in mind, these people I'm around do not even care about saying the n word no matter their skin color. Plenty of skinny white boys have said the n word here, and POC say it carelessly in front of Staff, which is against the rules (uninforced mostly)
Being in such an environment in religious North Dakota has its advantages and disadvantages. The bigotry and hate and traditionalists/traditionalism is a disadvantage but being out here means that major viral issues such as the super straights take a lot longer to get here, if it even gets here at all. Which is also a con, seeing as progressive and liberal items/objects dont reach here that fast either. The biggest recent progressive thing we've had was Black Lives Matter, and even then most of my city bears the Blue Lives Matter flag across their car windows.
Fuck, people still bear Trump2020 and MAGA and throw full hatred towards President Biden (Not that Biden is perfect and has done no wrong). Yeah, it's pretty bad.
But the Super Straights haven't gotten here yet. Im thankful for this, being a trans man with quite possibly zero chance at finding a romantic or sexual relationship with anybody in my city. And i fear that the super straight occurrence, if it comes here, will make everything a lot worse and may make people even more openly transphobic but calling themselves superstraight
Super Straight and the super-whatever movement is toxic and terrible and filled with nothing but hatred and bigotry. As a trans man it hurts me to the core and hurts for my fellow trans men and women across the world. Using trans as an umbrella term too, my nonbinary, genderfliud, genderqueer, etc (Im not that educated in the gender neutral terms and terms that arent cis, trans, and enby so forgive me, I want to be supportive to all) humans across the world as well.
Im just hoping that it doesn't breach the walls of my city and high school and that the super Straight assholes will just die (quiet down, not literal death) out once they realize that everyone wont care about that shitty ridiculous term.
All these people want is attention, and to feel special like all of us LGBTQIA+ humans are, because most of us are unique, caring, and kind people. But the bigots can't handle that we are human and are people too and that their oppressive angry ways aren't working anymore.
That's all, and thank you for reading.
(Pls dont mind any typos, I never catch them all)
#superstraight#trans#transphobic#lgbtq#superlesbian#supergay#super anything goddamn#bigots#haters#anti#high school#awareness#dear lord save me from conservative north dakota#queer
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Hot takes galore 2: A brief overview of fandom backlashes that influenced fanfiction writing traditions as I have personally experienced them.
In this segment we examine...THE INDOMITABLE MARY SUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, as I was entering fandom in 2008 (Bleach, a manga by Kubo Tite), the hottest, sweattiest discourse pertained perhaps to Mary Sues. I thought the hatred of Mary Sues had completed its cycle and it was dead and gone in our days, BUT I happened upon a post that said that we are all stanning Moxiang Tongxiu’s OCs (original characters), in a sort of admonishing tone, and I couldn’t help but smile.
For back in the day, OCs, were termed self-inserts at best, and if they were a female protagonist that would sideline the canonical cast of characters then they were Mary Sues. And there were as many people hating original characters, and Mary Sues in particular that I remember sitting up all night thinking on whether I should post or not this fic that had some OCs in it that were there to just deliver some messages.
And of course this bled into accusations of writing canonical characters as basically “original characters” or “self-inserts”, by use of the term “ooc” (out of character). Personally, I thought this was over, but recently Riri accused me of disregarding the existing characterization and turning the CQL characters into my own original characters...for KINKY HAVOC IN VOLCANO PALACE!
An unjust accusation, I feel, Riri, because I do my damnedest to maintain characterization even under the wildest circumstances.
People were looking to extend their enjoyment of the existing characters and story, and for some reason fanfic authors could come under fire for not catering to that, and writing for their personal self-fulfillment.
And there were as many people writing oc’s and Mary Sues as there were people hating them, and the writers for it. It was chaos, there were journals (i was in livejournal) devoted to roasting mary sues, laughing at authors etc. If you came in fandom after me, you live in much much gentler times, and perhaps you have the Mary Sue to thank for that, because the Mary Sue kickstarted a lot of fandom feminist discourse.
Back in the day they usually determined “Mary Sue” as an overpowered, female character, whom everyone loved even though she might not be particularly charming (by whose standards?), who was adept at everything, knew everything, felt everything etc.
The thing is that Mary Sues did not seem to exist only in fanfiction, but everywhere around us, whenever there would be a project film/show/comic/book that had a strong female protagonist.
And that was because fandom and male nerd culture were intertwined. Anime, games, comic books were heavily “invaded” by swaths of girls who were not quite fulfilled by corny pop stars, or saccharine rom coms, and seeing that there were no female power fantasies available in these media, they created their own.
It was a very interesting time because if you remember, Marvel Movies started getting made around that time, riding on that convention power, which was dominated by male nerd culture - and that is why they gave so little screen time to female characters, because the demographic was pretty thoroughly examined and they were found to dislike any and every female character that was not there to validate the male character’s cishetero sexuality (YEAH BABY)
I mean women, actresses, female characters had a good portion in media, and the marvel cinematic universe and its imitators pretty much sidelined all these people very aggressively. Male stories started exploding and taking over during this time, exploiting that very vocal male nerd demographic.
But where is the backlash you ask, because so far we’ve only seen the oppression.
I saw a lot of writers struggle with the validity of the female character, and then the validity of female writing. They conflated writing female characters, as writing without examining themselves, or attaining a neutral voice and a role of representing accurately reality (lol). Writing Mary Sues was bad writing, and at some point all women were Mary Sues.
...So can you guess what happened?
A lot of these people turned to male slash in order to cope. Before the Mary Sue hate, male slash was a considerable but not dominant piece on the fanfic pie, which was mostly dominated by main het ships. Male slash was already enjoyed by female heterosexual audiences, but it started gaining more and more traction until a term was coined (shipping goggles), and accusations were once more flung: that fangirls will ship any two white dudes - not untrue.
This audience was not very friendly to actual gay people. There were all sorts of strange views passing before my bespectacled eyes at the time. People proclaiming that they loved yaoi (i was in manga, so this was the term used), but would not watch gay porn, and thought gay people were gross. And in the case where gay people were in fandom these people often complained of not being included/invited in fandom activities, or having minimal readership from groups that promoted male slash, but not gay writers.
This is why I often say fandom is not a friendly place for lgbtq people, because this type of audience still exists, even if it had to suppress their discomfort and assimilate the rhetoric of allyship at some point. And sadly a lot of people who dominated these early discussions about fandom becoming more lgbtq friendly since it consumed such relationships in media, managed to set this climate of dishonesty where everyone is pro-lgbtq in theory, but not in action.
Meaning a lot of stereotyping that is not endemic to actual lgbtq communities. Like top-bottom (most people are verses), whiny bottom, subby bottom, violent top, aggressive sex, hypersexual gay characters, almost complete erasure of bisexuality, lesbians what are they?, a complete and absolute fear in portraying trans characters, suppression of genderfluidity, accusing people of writing male gay characters as female characters as a form of wish-fulfillment or supposed homophobia.
A while ago I saw this article asking why lgbtq people are so mean to each other that confused me thoroughly, until I remembered this call out phase that happened a while ago and still goes on, where everyone blames everyone else of abusing and gaslighting them, friendships falling out etc, which is not at all the reality of older lgbtq scenes, because these were not formed online under this climate.
And because fandom is a vehicle for self-exploration a lot of people to this day conflate consuming lgbtq relationships through media as being lgbtq themselves, or these “actual” relationships being set as these other fictional “idealized” relationships. Whereas in older lgbtq scenes a lot of people come into them by realizing their attraction to actual, real, live people and not characters, or hot celebrities.
I am not saying that current lgbtq people who discovered that about themselves online are lying, or lying to themselves, but they definitely came out in an environment of fake acceptance, and have a hard time reconciling reality with that lie of acceptance through no fault of their own, of course, because they never developed the language and the understanding that language brings in order to communicate amongst them. The characteristics were set by a group outside of them that might be pro gay marriage, and having a cool gay friend, and the inherent tragedy of homosexuality or something, but are not really for it - as a very wise queer eye contestant once said.
And so every trespass by their own people, becomes a proof of this generalized rejection with tremendous consequences for young people’s mental health. YOU ARE BEING GASLIT IT’S TRUE - but not by your own people, it’s just a miscommunication going on there.
BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MARY SUE. She changed. She stopped seeking love, sex, and power, or at least pretended that she did not want any of these things, or did not understand them, she stopped speaking, and became more stoic so people wouldn’t judge her opinions, and finally one day she went on to accomplish great things, because women seeking representation was also a pretty set demographic, and somebody could and would exploit that!
The Twilight Saga, Fifty Shades of Grey, even Hunger Games, are the media progeny of the Mary Sue powering through the entirely of male nerd culture. In a whole decade where people wanted Marvel to release a Black Widow movie, there have been three major spy/action girl movies that did very well in the box office, and since producing and releasing a movie usually takes three years, i’d say the audience was heard loud and clear - even though not by Marvel.
And the side girls in these Marvel movies, or other action movies, became more and more badass - they all went from damsel in distress, to saving the hero, and of course the male characters were subsequently “queer-ified” until everyone was finally happy, and nerd culture was exposed as having been infiltrated by neonazis and that’s why it was making those unreasonable demands for no women ever in the first place.
And everything was right in the world, except that it was not. Because...girls had also been infiltrated by “neonazis”. A lot of these media, and a lot of these “white” Mary Sues, fall under many conservative criteria. Conservatism being a nice word for fascism.
A few examples is the person of color always dies, or is brutalized, or is admonished constantly even as they shadow the protagonist in order to reinforce their inherent radiance. Characters who might be poc in books or in the anime (hur hur), are whitewashed in the visual media. The women are almost never comfortable with sex or romance, always thinking about the future and amassing power, not for themselves, but for the benefit of the resistance, or the family, or any other entity they belong to. And of course they are forever incredibly flawed - as opposed to idealized versions of male heroes always on the side of good for the right reasons! Also a minimal cast of women, with one woman being the protagonist, and the rest functioning as side characters or mostly antagonists.
So every time you feel a slight trepidation for not being the right type of lgbtq for writing something that is not strictly anal, or fear to include feminine characters, every time you erase yourself from the narrative it is it, the spectre of the Mary Sue coming to haunt you with a “We won, what more do you want?”
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here is part 2 of my sci fi recs masterlist! again, i could’ve gone on with even more recs but i decided to draw the line here. this set for the most part errs on the darker side, thematically, visually, conceptually etc. i personally find it super thought-provoking and intriguing but that’s just me. i highly recommend reading the tw under the cut if you’re thinking of watching, especially the matrix and space gothic slides. please view at your discretion <3
part 1/2
If you like WLW (um idk why I only made this slide based on identity; it just kinda happened lmao but I think it works):
Siren: (tw: parent loss, grief, thalassophobia) a mermaid surfaces in a cove town looking for her lost sister. Polyamorous relationship between a man, a black/indigenous woman, and the mermaid!!!! Environmentalism! As a person who has thalassophobia, I didn’t find this too hard to watch. There aren’t that many underwater scenes, thankfully.
Black Mirror: San Junipero: (tw: grief, but otherwise none that I recall; it’s pretty lighthearted) two women meet in a beach resort in the 80s and fall in love. Interracial wlw!
Orphan Black: (tw: suicide, infertility, rape implication, VB, language, drug use) a woman realizes she is one of several clones and uncovers an elaborate corporate conspiracy. This is one of my personal favorites with great rep of complex women of all ages and bodily autonomy. Several central queer characters and a black male secondary character!
Starfish: (tw: grief, a few jump scares and brief monstrous imagery, blood) after the death of her best friend, a young woman breaks into the deceased’s apartment and discovers a chain of music tapes that could save the world. Weird, subtle, and experimental. Not to sound like a surfer but you kinda have to allow yourself to be in the vibe. The main character and her friend were definitely a thing imo.
Annihilation: (tw: body horror, VB, disturbing imagery) a team of women scientists explore an anomaly that rapidly mutates genes. There are canonical and coded wlw and multiple (light-skinned) POC in this but the rep is short-lived. I put it on because although it should’ve been more ambitious with the casting, I think it breaks *some* ground for Hollywood sci fi with the all-woman team and more than one WOC. Wack ending though.
Mad Max: Fury Road: (tw: rape implication, violence) I think everyone knows about this one but: in the apocalypse, a woman breaks 4 younger women out of a harem. A badass car chase across the desert ensues. A bit light on plot/worldbuilding, but sooooo cool-looking and very thematic!!!!
If you liked STRANGER THINGS:
It: (tw: VB) don’t actually watch this lmao I’m serious. It’s really stupid, and not in a funny way. But I do think Stranger Things was inspired by this story overall. The modern It films are better but they’re also really kjslsklskls stupid? Stephen King in general is obsolete imo.
The Thing: (tw: VB) an alien that can take the form of others wreaks havoc on a scientific facility in Antarctica. It’s dark and vibey, but I feel like it’s just Alien in Antarctica with truly terrible special effects tbh?? Others feel differently. It’s also classified as sci fi/horror, so stay away if you’re easily scared! Not too good on representation.
Super 8: (tw: some language) a group of preteens witnesses an alien-caused train crash as they’re filming a home movie. Not diverse but I definitely think it inspired a lot of sci fi for the 2010s, ESPECIALLY Stranger Things. Not too scary either!
ET: (tw: it’s been a really long time since I watched so I don’t remember but it’s rated PG) I think everyone knows what this is about!
Alien: (tw: VB) truckers in space discover a deadly evolving alien. One of my favorite movies of all time! I love the aesthetic and the mood and worldbuilding so much. Ellen Ripley is one of the first Final Girls in the horror genre. I personally found this more of a sci fi than a horror movie but I’d say stay away if you’re nervous!!
Terminator: (tw: VB) a deadly android is sent to kill a woman who’s destined to birth the man who saves the world. Terminator 2 is way better imo because it centers on Sarah rather than the dudes saving her and trying to kill her. But it’s still worth a watch, you know, for the culture.
If you liked CONTAGION:
War of the Worlds: (tw: blood) pretty straightforward aliens come to Earth to take over. Sorry to rec another T*m Cruise movie but I really like the alien design and the apocalypsey feel of this one. Baby Dakota Fanning is in it too!
Falling Skies: (tw: VB, body horror, rape) alien invasion yada yada but the alien lore gets more interesting as it goes on. It’s kind of cheesy and yeah maybe I did discover it by looking up the iCarly boyfriend (and what about it??) but it’s nice to have on in the downtime. An Asian woman co-stars.
Knowing: (tw: blood) school students unearth a time capsule that contains a sheet from a girl who predicted all the tragic world events between 1959-2009. This is NOT a good movie but it’s SO hilarious to me because of the acting and contrivances. Fun to group-watch!!!!
10 Cloverfield Lane: (tw: VB, emotional abuse) a woman wakes up in a bunker to a captor who tells her that the world has fallen to alien apocalypse. I think this movie elevates the original Cloverfield in pretty much every way. Again, super tense and moody. The conflict revolves around whether or not the captor is being truthful.
Train to Busan: (tw: extreme VB and disturbing imagery) a man and his daughter are on a train when a zombie hops on at the last minute. It’s Korean with an all-Asian cast; Choi Woo-shik co-stars. I definitely wouldn’t watch if you’re scared of blood and gore. It’s very gross and violent.
12 Monkeys: (tw: ableism, violence) a man from the 2030s is sent back to the 1990s to prevent the plague that will end the world. I think the aesthetics of this are really cool but otherwise it’s not a favorite. But I think it appeals to people who like apocalypse and time travel stuff!
If you liked THE MATRIX:
Strange Days: (tw: rape, sex, nudity, VB, racism, police brutality) memories can be saved to hard-drives and sold on the black market for exorbitant prices. Very problematic and triggering presentation of rape, but young Angela Basset stars and there’s a condemnation of police brutality that’s still relevant 20+ years after its release.
Upgrade: (tw: ableism, VB, fridging) a disabled man installs an AI in his spine to help him move and investigate the murder of his wife. The premise is glaringly ableist and I feel weird even recommending it tbh but it’s got great visuals and a few good twists.
Altered Carbon: (tw: VB, weird interracial body switching, uhhh I haven’t finished this one IDK) in a society where human bodies are interchangeable, a man wakes up in a new body after 300 years of his mind being dormant. A Latina woman co-stars, two Asian characters in a subplot, a few other POC here and there as well. I think season 2 stars a black man.
eXistenZ: (tw: VB, anti-Asian racism, general weirdness? IDK it’s hard to describe. There are guns made out of bones and weirdly sexual visuals.) after someone tries to assassinate her, a video game designer and her bodyguard must play through her virtual reality game in order to save the only copy of the game.
Minority Report: (tw: VB, eye removal/insertion) all crimes are predicted and criminals reported before they are committed. The main character is preemptively accused of murder. This one is really white but it was one of the first movies that got me into sci fi. Early 2000s Colin Farrell <3.
If you liked WESTWORLD:
Humans: (tw: uncanny valley, objectification) androids are household helpers and public assistants throughout Britain until one day they start developing consciences. It hits a lot of the themes of Westworld without all the unnecessary pretentiousness, “edginess,” and “grittiness,” and it stars Gemma Chan and Colin Morgan!!
Blade Runner 2049: (^) an android is ordered to find and kill a human/android hybrid. It’s not without its issues but it’s one of my favorite movies of all time, right up there with Alien. So beautiful, so thematic, so thought-provoking (to me, anyway. I know a lot of people thought it was way too slow).
Ex Machina: (^) a man is invited to a private estate to help test the intelligence of an android. It’s kind of predictable imo but you know Oscar Isaac and Sonoya Mizuno are in it so we have to stan, and so is Domhnall Gleeson, for the SW fans! I like how isolated and quiet it feels.
I Am Mother: (tw: blood, gaslighting) after an extinction event, a young woman is raised by a lone android in a human repopulation facility until one day a woman knocks. It starts off slow and a bit generic, but I’m obsessed with the 2nd and 3rd acts of this movie---good acting, dialogue, and fantastic visuals. It has that same isolated feel as Ex Machina with only three characters, all of which are women/woman-coded!!!
If you liked ALIEN (space gothic):
Battlestar Galactica (2004-2008 reboot): (tw: genocide, war, colonization, VB, uncanny valley, rape, infidelity) space opera that follows humanity as it fights the ever-evolving and powerful enemy of their own creation: androids named Cylons. Um? I L O V E THIS SHOW SO MUCH and I truly do think it’s everything sci fi should be. There is a really unfortunate Miss Saigon-esque romance plot in season 1 and a lazily-written love triangle involving a black woman in season 3, but otherwise it’s one of my all-time favorites and I highly recommend. It’ll spin your mind and tug your heartstrings for years.
Black Mirror: Men Against Fire: (tw: genocide, war, nudity) soldiers in the near future protect citizens from mutant zombies, but one soldier starts experiencing strange hallucinations in the field. This is such an underrated Black Mirror episode starring a black man. There’s brief objectification of a black woman but it’s very anti-military and it has an interesting sterile aesthetic that reminds me of Alien.
High Life: (tw: rape, black holes/space anxiety, very disturbing) prisoners are given the option to join a space expedition and serve as experimental subjects en route to a black hole. Please please stay away if you are triggered by sexual violence of any kind. There’s almost no physical violence in this movie but it’s psychologically haunting imo.
The Faculty: (tw; VB, drug use) high schoolers discover their teachers are being possessed by an invading alien race. I LOVE THIS MOVIE LMFAOOOO. The cast is SO wild---Elijah Wood, John Oliver, Usher, Salma Hayek, Josh Hartnett??? And I’m probably forgetting more. The combination of the cast, the terrible dialogue, and shitty special effects is PEAK comedy imo. But bear in mind it’s bloody!!
Prometheus: (tw: body horror, VB, uncanny valley) a crew of scientists heads on a deep space mission to find the aliens who created the human race. A prequel to Alien, but I kind of view it as its own thing. Despite the plot holes, I love this movie too! It was one of my sci fi gateways and the visuals are stunning. It’s pretty gory though so if that’s not your thing stay away.
Life: (tw: extreme VB) a lesser Alien, but it provides all the space gothic tropes (jokey crew, shots of space, really pretty spaceship, everyone dies, creepy alien) with a well-known cast---Gyllenhaal, Reynolds, etc.
The X Files: (tw: a few episodes contain 90s racism, sexism, queerphobia etc but you can skip them) a lot of people have watched this so I barely have to explain, but it’s one of my favorites. Two FBI agents investigate multiple aliens and get involved in government conspiracies along the way. A good gateway!
A Quiet Place: (tw: child loss, VB, tension) I think most people know what this is about too. Alien apocalypse with aliens that hunt by sound. The daughter in the family is deaf, and so is the actress who portrays her. The representation of deafness was critically acclaimed.
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Hey Pia. I just wanted to thank you for writing FFS. I'm not someone that diagnoses myself without the input of a professional personally but I relate to Efnisien's type of intrusive thoughts so much and have mentioned them in therapy in the past, but I don't engage in obvious compulsive behaviors to cope with the obsessive intrusive thoughts and did not realize that Pure O existed. This has inspired me to find a specialist and go to therapy again. Thank you for educating us on Pure O.
Hi anon,
Thanks for reading FFS! <3
I am not super against self-diagnosis, for some people - especially folks who are immigrants, Indigenous, living in poverty, or disabled (or neurodivergent or POC or even women / queer / trans) etc. it’s the only way that they can actually know what they have, because of severe limitations that might stop them, for whatever reason, from getting an accurate diagnosis in the first place (see the issues adult women have getting diagnosed with autism, because the textbook manuals were based on white men).
But anyway, I do want to say that like, intrusive thoughts can come up in a lot of situations and they don’t just belong to Pure O. So while they’re definitely a characteristic necessary for Pure O, it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary to also see them in other disorders as well, especially trauma-related disorders. But either way, it’s cool that the Pure O information resonated and that you have a new direction to try re: specialists and therapy <33333 Hopefully you get the help you’re looking for, and the compassion as well.
It can be really hard sometimes, because like, we generally know about anxiety and depression, and we might have surface knowledge of say, OCD or dissociation, but there’s such deep pools of healing and wisdom in all of those areas, and it’s rare that we ever really get to learn about them. I mean I never set out to write a story about Pure O, I just kind of realised it suited Efnisien’s patterns of obsessive thinking and his post-trauma, and I think it’s not bad to have a story that points out that intrusive thoughts are normal, that everyone has them, and that when they happen to excess and start to hurt your life, there’s definitely things you can do to help the distress that comes from that experience. <333
Anyway I’m rambling, but thank you for sending this ask, and I hope you’re doing okay, anon. Also for Pure O, there’s some pretty good self-help style websites from people who want to educate others like them, precisely because even in OCD, not many people know about it!! (Kind of like a lot of people know about PTSD, but not C-PTSD). So no matter what, there will be stuff out there to help with intrusive thoughts, and to help you cope. :)
#asks and answers#falling falling stars#fae tales#fae tale AU#pure o#i actually happen to think#that 'pure o' is one of the coolest names#for a mental illness sdalkfjsdafsda#administrator Gwyn wants this in the queue#Anonymous
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Biracial (B/W), Trans, and Cultural Disconnect
I’m a biracial college grad who grew up in a very white, rural area in the northeast US and within the last four years made the realization I’m trans ( or masculine-aligned agender but that’s for another time ). My mother is black and my father is white.
Beauty Standards
Beauty standards haven’t really been something I’ve paid attention to growing up, mostly because dresses and skirts always made be uncomfortable and I didn’t like the weight of makeup on my face. I am very stubborn and so I stuck to not wearing them as much as possible, even getting into arguments with my mother about wearing a dress to a funeral when I had nice dress pants and a blouse to wear instead.
My mother did have a bit of an obsession with my hair growing up; she loved my curls to the point that if I mentioned cutting them she adamantly said no. My hair isn’t the usual tight black coils but rather “banana curls” as my mother described. It was only in my senior year of high school that, out of the blue, she told me if I wanted to cut my hair I could.
Culture / Family Life / Identity Issues
This is the biggest struggle I find I deal with and sort of ties in with like four topics, so this section will be long. I don’t have any attachment to a culture, not even the African-American culture developed in the US. I grew up in a very, very white area and until 5th grade, went to a private religious school where as far as I can remember, I was the only PoC in the whole (under 100) student body.
Both of my parents have no siblings and due to some things, I only actually met my dad’s extended family three or so years ago when we went for a visit aside from phone conversations I had with his father when he was alive. My mother’s parents were gone before I was 5 and she didn’t really have any extended family aside from a couple of cousins up in New York who I saw every so often when I was really young. I had an “aunt” who my mother knew for many years along with her son whom I consider an uncle, but that’s about all the extended family I have. My (half) brother is 13 years older than I, so by the time I was 7 he was out of the house and visiting only a few times a year. So even despite not being an only child, I was raised like one.
Even in the public school I went to, there weren’t a lot of BIPOC and the few that showed up in high school in my small grade and I didn’t really talk. My university had a majority white student body and I found I couldn’t quite relate with the BIPOC community, mostly because it felt like you had to choose between the BIPOC community or the LGBTQIA+ community and most of my classmates, because of my major, and friends were part of the latter.
When I studied abroad, I became good friends with a BIPOC queer group, especially with a black individual from NC. But sometimes they would make references to me and such that I wouldn’t understand and at one point this individual said “How do you not get that, you’re black!” I had to pull them aside and explain my environment growing up and thankfully, they understood immediately and apologized. But it was alienating, and exacerbated the feelings I have of “I don’t belong anywhere”.
I’m not light skinned enough to pass as white, but I don’t have the experiences of growing up in a black community to connect with other black folk. I just feel like I stand alone in that respect.
Micro-aggressions
I don’t know if this counts as a micro-aggression, but the thing that comes to mind immediately happened when I was 14. I had an online friend and we had been voice-chatting for awhile. One night I turned on my camera and the first thing out of their mouth was “You’re black? You don’t sound black!“
I don’t speak/use AAVE because I didn’t grow up around people who did, and don’t have any sort of understanding about it, etc. This also adds into the whole identity crisis thing.
Misconceptions
I am frequently assumed to be Hispanic and, on one occasion, Indian. I’ve had people ask me if I’m Mexican outright. At one point I worked in a nursing home and the dementia unit had a lot of nurses who spoke Spanish due to some of the residents forgetting English. One of these nurses spoke to me in Spanish. I gave him a blank look and he sorta paused and went “You don’t speak Spanish?” I was also on a train once and an older Indian gentleman was standing near me? Or took the seat next to me and I believed he asked me if I was Indian outright.
I don’t have enough Workplace experience to make it it’s own category, but I once worked in a Dunkin Donuts with a primarily Indian and Haitian staff and I had these older POC women repeatedly asking me “Where are you from?” when I started. I told them “oh, the western part of the state” and they did the “but where are you from.“ I don’t know, I’m sorry.
Also as a kid my dad picked me up from school and this one girl asked me if I was adopted lmao. Nobody ever thinks biracial.
Self-esteem
I have pretty low self-esteem. While I don’t necessarily think I’m ugly, my struggle with my identity both gender and racially make it hard to be confident and outgoing, at least with strangers. I dunno, existing is hard sometimes.
Things I’d like to see more of
More mixed kids in stories and media as main characters or main supporting characters
More interracial relationships of all kinds, not just black & white.
I don’t know if it’s right to ask for this, but also.. more small families.
More people whose families are like mine: just myself, my parents and my brother, with an occasional family friend showing up for holidays. All these stories with plenty of cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents always make me feel alone and like I missed out on a lot.
View more POC Profiles | Submit your own
#POC Profiles#Black#Mixed Race#Transgender#agender#hair#black hair#culture#identity issues#microaggressions#culture disconnect#LGBTQIA#submission#Anonymous submission
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I have come to the realization that the medical industry is more or less designed to gaslight people. Particularly people that aren't white cishet men.
Women, POC, queer people, etc. are constantly dismissed and told that nothing is wrong. Fat people get the brunt of it, I think, being told to just lose weight despite that almost never being the actual issue.
I got a reply Sunday afternoon from my new counselor through my school. This was his second email to me. I'm very much considering just ghosting him, tbh. He was SO dismissive of everything I said again. He was borderline condescending. I told him I was tired of people telling me to just think more positively and do yoga and drink more water (because those things aren't going to cure my mental illness and I need actual professional help and that's why I'm reaching out to counselors and my doctor) and he goes "those are healthy suggestions".
Bruh.
His first email he told me I'm very focused on ADHD and I think it's the only relevant topic. I replied that I DON'T think it's the only relevant topic and that I just have no reason to think that something else is going on here. I'm not stupid, I've done my research, and it all points to ADHD. His next reply was that I was still so focused on ADHD and blah blah blah. Like, yeah, because something is going on with me and that's what I'm pretty sure it is, but if you want to assess me and form your own opinion off a proper assessment, that's fine, but he hasn't asked me jack shit to figure anything out. Like, I'm fully open to the possibility that this is something else, but nobody has anything to say to me about it other than "why do you think you have ADHD?" Or "it's just anxiety". I just want an assessment so I know if I have ADHD or not. That's all I'm seeking right now.
The dude also has no idea how to put a coherent sentence together. His emails are like word soup and he will throw all kinds of extra words in that he did not at all need and it's just confusing to read through.
Anyway, his email (I only skimmed it) sent me into a violent anxiety attack for the rest of the day and into yesterday morning. I am just so angry and frustrated that everyone I'm reaching out to for help is dismissing my feelings and telling me I'm wrong without actually looking at all the facts. I ended up having to nap through the whole morning yesterday and then I felt better. I was so short of breath before then and was just shaking.
The fact that an email from a counselor sent me into a horrible downward spiral should say something. I don't know how to reply to him at this point. Honestly I want to rip the guy a new asshole. I want to flip absolute fucking shit at him. I know I shouldn't. I probably won't. I have a phone appointment on Friday with my doctor and either he's going to give me a referral to a psychiatrist or I'm requesting a new family doctor. I also found some psychiatrists in the city that specialize in ADHD so I'm going to see if maybe I can get in with one of them. I'm going to go ahead and assume he's going to want to send me to the usual guy two hours away first since nobody seems convinced that I actually have ADHD. I'm going to be putting together a list of resources and symptoms for my doctor because I don't know what else to do here.
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