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#bo burnham: inside spoilers

here-there-everyfuckenwhere · 2 years

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For those of you who are obsessing over Steve Harrington, Eddie Munson, Bo Burnham or all three

#ray rants and junk #personal #my edits #stranger things #st #ST4 #steve harrington #eddie munson #stranger things 4 #spoilers #st4 spoilers #bo Burnham #inside outtakes

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lunalovegood2 · 2 years

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It’s anyone's guess what then happened next. But most think she died. But I think we ought to believe that she got to the other side. So that's why she did it.

The Chicken, Bo Burnham

#bo burnham #inside outtakes #bo burnham inside #bo burnham inside outtakes spoilers #the chicken #lyrics #song lyrics

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dnp-pet-rectangle · 2 months

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WAD reflection from the perspective of a theatre director

Inspired by @/calvinahobbes who did an amazing job breaking down the show’s metaphors & using her English degree in this post, I wanted to share my perspective on it (even a month later) & get use out of my theatre degree lol. Also, warning, this will be very much a long, long essay with run-ons. I have ADHD & I love when my frequent hyperfixations intersect 🤪 There are major spoilers.

My Background:

I am a semi-professional theatre director, but more broadly, a theatremaker. I have a theatre degree from New York University’s Tisch School on the Arts (NYU Tisch), where I did a conservatory program with one of their studios which focused basically on those who wanted to do a little bit of everything and create new works & was the only studio training directors & playwrights. I originally went into the program as a performer. I did not mean to end up concentrating on being mainly a producer & a director, but that’s a whole other story. I also through that program had to take theatre/performance studies courses, which I loved for the most part & is an interesting interdisciplinary field. But I will try to define terms just in case since anybody reading this may not know any or all the specific terminology I might use. In short, I have a fancy degree that apparently should cost $300k 🤡 & I’m gonna actually use it with doing this lol

Setting the Tone:

While Dan might call this a comedy special or comedy show, and thereby comparing it to other comedians, I actually think he is doing himself and We’re All Doomed (WAD) a disservice. I saw folks compare him a lot to Bo Burnham in the chat (who was actually was accepted and almost went to NYU Tisch for a different studio that focused on solely experimental work), which makes sense considering the theatrical nature of both of them. However, Dan actually goes further into the realm of theatre because of how he utilizes his crowd work (I’ll go into that later). I recognize traditional comedy specials/standup as having jokes or stories, when doing you know like late night talk show interviews, that can be made outside of the context of the show & slip into a conversation. Or with Burnham’s Inside Out, the songs & other parts can be done or understood mainly out of context, as seen through Bo uploading them to his YouTube channel. Comedy specials have the sections of their comedy stand-up thread together, but what Dan has done is weave his sections together. The length along with the intermission/interval being a part of WAD, adds to my point that he is not treating this as different material he tested out at different comedy clubs, but as something cohesive storytelling pieces. I think in terms of testing, Phil was the main sufferer audience member of the initial materials being created.

Anyway, you cannot as easily remove it from the context at certain points, because the transitions & the order of these different sections are treated as equally important, rather than a means to move on to the next section, with some possible space for improv.

Basically, I’m bi. Sorry, my brain started thinking about BIG when I started writing “basically” at the start of that sentence. Actually, what I am trying to say is that I would classify We’re All Doomed as a one-man performance piece/show, so I will be treating it as such in my review/reflection/breakdown. The comedy of it is important and there, but I don’t think it captures what WAD entirely is.

Also, unfortunately due to where I was at mentally at the time & the location it was being performed at, I never saw this live. To be honest, how it got framed marketing-wise did not help me feel connected with the actual purpose of the show, with hope being a key element. So while this was filmed, I am as much as possible trying to remove the cinematography as an element of my analysis. However, some things might be clearer on film, as with theatrical directing, you cannot add a zoom or crop & instead are trying to ensure moments are clear to an audience by what they see and hear through drawing their attention to it. With theatre being mainly about the live output by performers and intake by the audience, at the end of the day, what my job as a director is is to direct not only how the performers share the story, but also direct the audience on what is important to catch for understanding.

Breakdown of Thoughts

Originally, I wanted to rewatch the show again, and started to, but considering I ended up writing about a whole page worth of things for each minute of the show & I was sleepy by the time I was like 5-10 minutes in, I decided to be nice to myself & stay up all night in my comfortable bed instead of staying up all night at my desk trying to take in-depth notes 🙃

I’m gonna breakdown this analysis/reflection into further sections, just to give myself some anchors & break up the blocks of text. Also as a way to just be that pretentious, maybe with an academic flair, as is fitting to be for something about Dan Howell (said affectionately 💕)

The Script/Writing

When considering the text of the show itself, two things came to mind for me:

(1) This is definitely what I would call intertext. Intertext is a piece of writing that relates to another or more other writings through allusions. WAD is an intertext which alludes mainly to other works of Dan’s on his YouTube channel. The ability to get the true impact of the show relies on you knowing Dan (as his internet persona) on some level. And as a theatre maker & longtime fan, I love that it is, it’s what the piece needed to be. As a theatre producer, the hiatus from engaging with his audience and the limited runway given to reactivate interest in him and his creative work I think made it difficult to get that audience in some venues, along with some other funkiness (mainly with promo) I am less knowledgeable on. But I think Dan has already learned/continues to learn from that, which I think may have been valuable for him. (sidenote: I need the tea on all that because I love knowing how presenting venues work with performers, as well as the lack of understanding they have of internet culture as it relates to venue leadership.)

(2) This was a work he made for himself. He mentions this both in the show & in reference to WAD multiple times. But I think what truly came to mind for me was that it is still powerful for him to write for himself. He is writing for what he needs to be hearing or wants to be processing creatively.

I think why it is powerful is that Dan has discussed before how much stress he put on himself regarding danisnotonfire, and later Daniel Howell, videos, focusing on the audience, and how he was presenting a specific style/quality of video to them. Add in the layer of being closeted & actively fighting internalized homophobia, and the anxiety he built up makes sense. And I might personally attribute that more to his need to pass as straight & catering I believe at one point to an audience of cishet men, whether actual or perceived by him. Not all videos, especially the most impactful ones in my opinion, rely on this, but it was a key piece of what he made during his rise in popularity on the platform. This catering slowly decreased with the amount of uploads he was doing, along with a more tangible understanding of his audience thanks to the tours he did with Phil. Basically I’m Gay I think was the true shift where he gave himself permission to write work that had a main audience of himself. That’s where his best work has come from, and I think since then, he’s been able to have the space to process things creatively through his writing.

The Relationship Between Performer & Audience

When I was in theatre school, my directing teacher would constantly talk about not just considering the relationship of the performers on “stage” (I did a lot of more immersive work & we only had black box theatres, which is literally a room that is floor to ceiling black) but also the relationship of the performers & the story with the audience. By Dan knowing mainly who his audience would be, the show can now play with that understanding in mind.

This leads to my point that, overall, Dan does not use the fourth wall, and I think that is what makes We’re All Doomed work. It may also be why he called it a comedy show, idk.

For those who don’t know what the fourth wall is, it is a term from theatre originally that is about the way in which a traditional theatre stage (called a proscenium) has three physical walls around it, while there is no 4th physical wall, so the audience can see the performance. If does exist physically, it is only the curtain that acts as the 4th “wall”. So, in order to keep it as a separation between the performers and the audience, the actors treat the side where the audience is as a fourth wall. When someone breaks the 4th wall, this is when they speak to audience directly, rather than to another character. Examples from English-speaking pop culture would be the asides from Hamlet or Ferris Bueller in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. But when you are the only person on stage, the only way to have a fourth wall is when you don’t reference that you know there’s an audience there. Hence, a monologue where the character is talking to themselves or an entity that is not the audience directly (or assigned to be the audience by the director), it is the closest you can have a fourth wall when alone.

Dan in his videos and in his previous tours with Phil never were without direct engagement of the audience (obvious with the naming of Interactive Introverts). It was never not a variation on him speaking with the audience in any type of dialogue, even if done parasocially.

Some of that is not new to theatre, but I would say is that it has become more of a trend within new theatre starting in the early 2010s to have more interactivity and a more authentic, explicit message that no performance will be the exact same. I definitely saw that in the shows I saw both Off-Broadway (which sidenote, all that means is that there’s fewer seats in that theatre, not about quality of the work or how worth it is to engage with) and larger settings like Broadway and the West End. That’s what I love about theatre, and why my own work is more about immersion and direct audience engagement.

Now Dan’s creative works have never been skit only or interested in telling a story outside of the realm of connecting with an audience as a variation of himself, so again, him not using the fourth wall overall is appropriate and fits in with what I mentioned about intertext. The piece does however start with a fourth wall for the music number, which I will walk through fully sharing why I am saying that about the song & dance opening after establishing some other concepts to help build understanding.

Design Can Work With You or Against You

I just want to say out the gate that the design was done really well, and I immediately felt a need to emphasize it after watching the first 10 minutes again.

First, let’s talk about the orange & black aesthetic of the show. Dan may have simply said that the orange just looked cool, but I think I would attribute more meaning to that color. Orange brings to my mind at first instance both a bright happiness/warmth and a sense of caution and warning, like road signs (at least those in America). The themes of the show reflect these two ideas and plays with the tension between them. I don’t know if he or the team meant to have that be a conscious choice, but there’s a joke I’ve had with other directors of when they get complimented on something unexpected, they just nod and say “yes, that was a choice”, even though it was just a random thing that happened or was something that you just thought would be cool to do. Orange runs through the show’s designs and it becomes clear that it is a tool for contrast and emphasis for the points Dan & the director want to make.

Now with the design team of costumes, lights, sound, and media, I can see a clear cohesion. Good theatrical design has the designs act as a character or highlighter in the story. Bad theatrical design can take away/distract from the core intensions of the show. It was so clear to me that the design was a character. And seeing that there were two media designers make complete sense considering the labor lift of both creating the projections displayed, but also creating/filming pieces of the media itself. The music/sound and lighting work well to articulate the manic feelings it means to instill in the audience and seeing it as a director, I assume part of the creative discussion was about parts of the media played they wanted to make sure were heard, and the lights help catch attentions in service of those pulled out moments. For costumes, I think Calvina did well in her post at articulating the elements of the costume and the progression it goes throughout the show. I’d rather not take up space to say the same thing truthfully.

With all the design elements, I think three characters could be defined (not including the audience), two as main characters, and one as a supporting character. I would name the main characters as “the Circle” (the looming set piece throughout hosting the projections used throughout) and “Dan On Stage/Dan performing” (the one in the physical space) with the “voiceover Dan/inner voice Dan” as a supporting character. The voiceover only exists in the beginning, and it is only shared with us to demonstrate the way in which the Dan On Stage singing is not really that aggressively optimistic and wholeheartedly believes the words he is singing. He is not the Dan we know from the Internet, so we can cathartically laugh at the attempt to pretend everything is fine. The voiceover only has one role, and it is to force Dan to confront this breakdown has an audience.

Staging an Opening Sequence: Our First Stage Character is the Circle

In directing classes, often what you focus on is called stage pictures, which is meant to help you consider what the actual imagery you want to ensure the audience absorbs for their understanding of the piece. The first and last stage moment of each act should tell a basic story of what happened, and therefore, are heavily emphasized as important for directors. The Circle (capitalized for reference purposes) being lit up before the show starts and then again in conjunction with the light flashes and sound establishes the importance of the Circle to the show. When the projection comes into play, showing the speech of a 15-year-old Greta Thunberg before beginning to add more, we are then introduced to the purpose of the Circle to be an output/portal for the overstimulation of messages, in this case, I would claim it being what comes from the Internet.

The music/sound and lighting work well to articulate the manic feelings it means to instill in the audience and seeing it as a director, I assume part of the creative discussion was about parts of the media played they wanted to make sure were heard, and the lights help catch attentions in service of those pulled out moments. The Circle also through some of the lighting moments, mimic that of a clock, which again adds to the doomsday, the "end is near" type energy. To have the end of the opening sequence build to an explosion which then shows solid orange at the end while Dan is in silhouette begins the introduction to the orange emphasis & proposes a sort of prophet-like version of him after the apocalyptic imagery disappears as he rises to be seen. What we have opened with is setting the tone to how we should view these two characters of the Circle & the Dan on Stage.

Song Time!

Dan is such a theatre kid & I love that for him. His dramatic side shows through the moment he used a rise to start his show at the top of the stairs, first in a place of seriousness with the sharp lighting and smoke to then bring in a very happy music number. The contrast & switching of expectations is a key of comedic works, and shows through most of the phandom who did not know WAD started with that, as it is indeed funnier if it comes as a shock. The movement & music mimic what folks attribute to as musical theatre, which is campy, happy singing. Knowing he was the one who suggested the song for TATINOF, I am loving Dan clearly wanting to have that opening number of a musical moment, even if it is dripping in irony. The Circle & the lights in this acts as a supporter to the message of it being sunshine and rainbows, with literal rainbow lights included. (Sidenote: I am 99% sure the pigeon coo is Phil, so if anything, I’m disappointed he was not credited as Pigeon sound effect AND remote crisis manager. Idk why I could tell, but both times now, it’s what I immediately thought when hearing that part)

I think of the musical number as the only place where he does have a fourth wall, because the number does not directly reference the audience at the start. It’s a one-man moment and it is about the performance not the audience engagement. It starts falling away when he starts pointing out the “and you”s, but the voiceover is the real break in our understanding of the world. It is emphasized by the color inversion of the sun & sky media of the Circle. The director is saying, this is important to how you now interpret what you’ve seen & will see, this is another shift from what was established of this world.

I should mention “world” is the terminology used to name what the environment the story is being told in with consideration, especially in theatre, of how much of a need there is for suspension of disbelief. I believe this term is also referenced a lot when discussing the fantasy and sci-fi genres, since those also requires some distancing from reality for the audience. This ties into a phrase I will probably end up using a lot of “rules of the space”. When establishing this world for the show you are presenting to an audience, there is a type of logic that must be established in order to understand what is the baseline for what the audience will be engaging with over the span of the show. But the voiceover immediately changes the rules of the space, because it messes with the Dan on stage, and messes with the messaging of the Circle. It adds a new context to the Dan On Stage, as while a fan will know that this song is not in alignment of our knowledge of Dan Howell, we get confirmation that this indeed ironic and outside of the branding that Dan has boxed himself into over his time on YouTube.

But the voiceover is also not in alignment with that “branding”. It expresses concerns related to the Dan On Stage’s mental wellbeing. There is no irony or subtext in that voice, it is the most direct in speaking to Dan On Stage, because it is being said by a variation of Dan in voiceover to himself. These could be seen as questions he knows to ask himself, but as someone who advocates for mental health & shares now about being openly gay, I interpret that he may feel he cannot express that outside of his mind for fear of undermining his advocacy points. The discussion of the “wonders” of the Internet also continue building in the tension that exists throughout WAD of how Dan feels about that space. The voiceover then proposes at first a type of equal extreme, which only sees the Doom, and as someone with clinical Depression myself, I think is only a furtherance of the breakdown, rather than the reality check it started off being. Not that what is listed is wrong by any means, but the barrage of it is meant to expand the drowning feeling, not act as call to action or consideration of the intricacies for engaging in the world. With the Circle’s sun imagery & the music having been inverted and shifted to something more sinister, Dan’s movement up the stairs fits a type of circular moment from the first entry of him, where the image of the prophetic figure is questioned on how he alone will solve the climate emergency. The slap & break of character for the Dan on Stage serves to confirm our understanding of the voiceover as the voice in Dan’s head & indeed there are not two Dans.

Also, the sparklers 🎇 showing up really make the key change for the song, but my producer brain is going, “girl, of course you lost money on this show, was that so VERY NECESSARY?” But the dramatic Gemini theatre bitch in me would 100% want this too. I just don’t have a capita£ester working to get sponsorship money in my life, so I have to be reasonable 😔 Also, the confetti with the high note is peak theatre gay so I again, love that for him. And of course, the confetti is orange.

Hints of Orange

When the song reaches its end & the Circle starts showing squares of orange, rather than a full background, this acts as a seed for the breakdown and waterfall of cubes, which Calvina speaks to the orange cube hint at the beginning in her post. The sudden cut-out with Dan simply lit replicates a moment the Circle is not present. The Internet is not present. To crawl to a microphone, the message is not “hey this guy needs two mics”, because we see one on his face, but that the wired mic (which I will now label as “The Microphone”) is a metaphor. It’s a crawl towards sharing out, not suppression. Only when the voiceover of himself points out the audience does he does a full fourth wall break. The suppression did not work, and neither he nor the audience can believe that it was the Truth.

The wire of the Microphone being orange showcases that it was meant to be seen. I don’t think it even in play in terms of the sound, like it might not even be on, considering the feedback nightmare it would likely cause. And no standard microphone used on stages has orange wires, because that would pull the audience’s eyes to it. But that’s the point here.

The rules of the space are now this: the Circle is not always active, the Microphone has significance, the Dan On Stage knows there is an audience. None of these were true before, even the Circle was on before the start. This draws the audience to know there has been a shift & to have the first words said into the Microphone be “We’re All Doomed” solidifies the song moment was a blip, that this is really where we start at. As an example, in the social media section, Dan does a deliberate wrapping of the wire on his hand at the same time the Circle scrolls to the social media icon. It is how the director & Dan are ensuring that we understand “what he is saying and what is been shown on the screen are in tandem”, so if you’re paying attention to that wire, it signals you should look up too.

Every other prop, except I believe the gavel and wig, is also orange. The bubble gun is mainly what comes to mind for me, since the cubes are not as activated as props necessarily. But if an item is to enter the stage, what I interpret it as is that it must be orange, there must be high contrast, nothing in the physical world on the stage can become blurred, only screens have that privilege(?) to have things blend together.

The Power Struggle Between Dan & the Circle

Once Dan has begun directly conversing with the audience, the rules of the space are:

(1) Dan On Stage acts, the design elements react (not including the Circle)

(2) The Circle and Dan have a symbiotic relationship, as neither have complete control over the other & react to what each other are doing

(3) The icons are our guides in understanding the sectioning done throughout the show

(4) Having “One Good Night” is the goal to reach at the end of the piece

As a person, as well as discussed throughout the show, we know that Dan has a contentious relationship with the Internet. It is what has given him his living but has also caused some of his worst moments mentally (2012? I don’t know her). It is the space in which lets him have an audience who have mainly showed him support, but also the space that has fed the cynicism that fuels his clinical depression. There lies in the way in which the Circle exists on the stage & looms over Dan in the background. It’s a necessary evil of what appears on the screen.

Why do I then say that the design elements are reacting? Well, if we remove the Circle from the equation, the lights, sounds effects, and props are all cued off of something Dan does like the clown honk. However, the Circle sometimes cues off what Dan does, but sometimes instigates what Dan speaks to. That especially is evident when video clips play that invoke what media Dan has been contending with on the Internet and the consequences of those things.

The Circle exists throughout both Act One & Act Two, but only becomes passive to the piece when Dan directly shows vulnerability & the removal of protective irony. Calvina spoke to this when discussing the costume choice of him opening the jumpsuit in Act Two to show the orange tank underneath.

Cubes as Articulators

Oh Creator did I have to dig deep into my brain for this term of articulators. So my directing instructor had some key terms that I think I don’t think are universally used, even by American theatre directors or at least in academic settings. She defined articulators to basically be elements that helped give almost like checkpoints for the progression of a throughline in a show. For WAD, that is easily those orange cubes.

When static is displayed on the Circle’s screen each time we transition to a new section, it is not the typical emulation of TV static, it is that sea of orange squares. It is an articulation of those fear, issues, concerns, all those pinpoints Dan speaks to why he says “We’re All Doomed”.

That’s why there is the culmination of the orange cubes falling on him, when he reaches the top of the stairs at the end of Act One. When he circles back to the same stage picture of him at the top, it can been considered a repetition of the prophetic imagery I pointed out from the opening sequence. What changes is that the orange squares enter the physical world, falling onto Dan. He can no longer say they live in his head. They are here and stay in the space until the end of the show. In Act One, they are the looming issues that signal the Apocalypse. In Act Two, they are the rubble that must be sorted through.

Calvina was the one who named it rubble and the cubes as representations of Dan’s problems. To have the audience actually able to take a cube home, she argued, would be symbolic of the audience helping carry that weight. While I’d love that, I mentioned in my tags on her post that I think mentally, that rubble would still be at his feet, even with taking home that visual metaphor. This is Dan we’re talking about, and with personal responsibility being a topic of the show, while it’s not his burden to bear alone, he does have to recognize it exists.

I think the repetition of the prophetic imagery comes to its climax when in the aftermath found in Act 2, voting who to fire into space can and does end up with him being sent by the audience. It represents an understanding of where he exists now from where he did at 18 in terms of social, political, and economic access and the possibilities of his influence. There is a responsibility there that ties to how he can move in the world now publicly, so why wouldn’t he have an existential crisis?

It is a Comedy Though, Right?

This is hundred percent comedy, and obvious dark humor at that. As a director, I love comedy, especially this type, because when an audience gets to laugh, the armor gets stripped away. They have no built-up resistance that let’s any uncomfortable point be heard effectively. It’s why the end’s vulnerability is effective, because we have already joked and laughed about our pains and our desire for escapism. Now we are able to move on into a place of reflection.

To underline why I say this is not stand-up comedy is that Dan has made it a stage show, just one that has comedy as a vehicle for telling this “story”. His interactions with his audience, through both quips based on audience reactions or “heckling” as well as explicitly asking for input into who to shot to space or what to add as a mad lib (generic brand for law purposes), are about being blended into the loose narrative constructed already, not actually to be reactionary like most crowd work I associate with stand-up comedy.

If anything, I could argue that it could be considered a comedy special that “Dan On Stage” is trying to make, but there is actually conflict being introduced that disrupts his set (both the comedy one and the physical one). There is clearly a showing of meta, as Dan makes sure to share thoughts on the creation of the show, the reactions from his overall show branding & imagery, the use of the lift because it was expensive to have. Dan’s comedy style can never be told without reference to behind the scenes, because if this is a creative means to process feelings, there are things about the show & its making that impact what needs to be processed too. It is also related to how his work is strengthened by acknowledging the two-way street of being in a parasocial relationship with his audience.

Can We Have One Good Night?

Another term central to what my directing teacher spoke of was the “Core”, usually a question, though not always, that motivated what was being explored over the course of a theatre piece. At the top, as Dan on Stage exaggerates that love doesn’t exist (which Dan refutes as being an actual belief of his during the afterparty) and other sardonic phrases, he also states he wants to give his audience one good night, because he recognizes the escapism his audience finds in his solo and joint content. We’re All Doomed’s Core is “can we just have one good night, even in the midst of the horrors we have outside of these theatre doors?”. But I would also say that in terms of where his writing was at the time of WAD’s inception and the naming of his mental health book as You Will Get Through This Night, it feels more like Dan himself has been grappling with a Core of “can I have one good night? Or a full 24 hours where I feel mainly happy when all I am bombarded with about the world is suffering?” I think night can be both literal, since we know he has had sleep issues, and metaphorical, as the night can represent this depressive episode he was writing himself out of.

When the mood tracker gets discussed in the last portion of WAD, to see a sea of neutral or uninterested emojis demonstrates when he took the time to do it, the answer that night was “no, not really” 😕. The main one mentioned is the ritual of “Fry Day” he has with Phil (sidenote: why are these British men not calling it “Chip Day”, since this ritual falls on a Saturday?), which is a rare smiley face. The question he likely has then is “can I ever have a good night again?”

So for him to then turn to his own videos during one of those nights, to a video where he states his famous “embrace the void and have the courage to exist,” that showcases what I mentioned of his best work being written for himself, in this case, a future version of himself.

Ending Sequence: Where Do We Land?

When the Circle does not display any media, it again shows the orange square motif, but after mentioning his own video, he turns to his audience for glimpses of what joy exists even in the face of Doom. The Circle changes into a display of different submitted clips showcasing this joy and hope that Dan was clearly looking for throughout this piece. He walks towards the top of the stairs to witness these clips. I cannot for my life at this point having now been separate from it for about a month, but I believe before the submitted media sequence, he states the famous line again of “Embrace the Void and Have the Courage to Exist”. With this last thing spoken, it gives that emphasis needed to take in the message emotionally and then witness what the Void (in this case the Circle) can offer.

A Good Director Should Go Unnoticed

When someone is not versed in theatrical directing, if the audience cannot tell what was a choice by the director or even consider the director themselves, this is weirdly a good sign. It means that it feels natural to what they are witnessing and to the messages that are meant to be communicated to the audience. As someone who also works in government, it feels very similar, as only bad work is evident to the general public. Obviously that is not true for everyone, but is an overall trait I think impacts both an understanding of public service and directing.

I am not familiar with any of the work of Ed Stambollouian, who through research, looks like he has done work with comedians like Joe Lycett (who I am also not familiar with) and directed TATINOF, but also more stripped down, exploratory theatre. Through a quick review of his portfolio, one, I am not shocked that Dan tapped him to assist with directing since there is a familiarity and two, his background tells me he knows how to direct for writer-performers, which is what comedians really are at the end of the day.

To direct for those who are doing one-person shows that they both wrote and performed, it is especially tricky to have the artist hand the reins over to the director. The director in this case acts as the artist’s eyes, because an artist cannot clone themselves. It is impossible for them to wear multiple hats at once, where they can give quality, objective feedback to themselves while also doing a full out performance. For Ed to be someone Dan has worked with before, there is already an established understanding of each other’s work styles, and a trust that otherwise would have to be built up before the work can truly begin to finalize the piece.

In short, Ed Stambollouian and the creative team on We’re All Doomed did an incredible job bringing what I understand Dan intended when he started writing this down in isolation. And @danielhowell you whole-heartedly deserve to call this your magnum opus. What can I say (sorry I can't help lovingly poking fun at you), your artistry shines throughout the show. I hope this too can be something your future self can turn back to.

🧡

(bonus) Thoughts on Orange Carpet & the Phil element

I didn’t fully rewatch the orange carpet, just to keep myself on task & not bring Phil too much into the main reflection without explicit reference in the show, but hearing Dan go “I’m alive in 3, 2…” made me laugh both times. He understands that we just want to know he has a pulse, ya know? Also them pretending it totally was live, when those fools (affectionate) cannot run a real live broadcast from their home for their lives. It just ran too smoothly, esp. in the transitions, for it to be anything but some very, very light editing on one improvised take they did. But I always support them in their acting, no matter how bad, like with DITL Australia’s opener or pretending there were not two apartments or that Google Feud being back was unplanned or Dil being pregnant with a statistically rare alien child or Phil living in a tiled, cramped bedroom or...

Also, Dan’s little laugh at the end of Phil’s sign-off is so fond it hurts. It also hurt that the VOD was hard to scrub through, so another deduction for the Kiswe platform.

Anyway, I’m glad that Dan was able to find space outside of the Dan & Phil branding of the 2010s as well as the image he was forced to manufacture for his YouTube presence, but also realize that with having a core audience that wants him to simply be happy, he can recognize that Phil is part of the things that make him happy. And can do so openly.

He is his own person, but it has been clearly emphasized now that Dan has no interest in not acknowledging that Phil always is and will be part of his present and future. He has made work like WAD & "Gay and Not Proud" to explore his way of thinking without the support of Phil present in the filmed/performed aspect. Dan acknowledges this intention, which is evident with him shooing away Phil at the beginning of “Gay and Not Proud” to process it alone.

It is also evident with the ending of “Daniel & Depression” and the WAD end credit of remote crisis manager showcasing the caretaking role Phil often plays in Dan’s life. But we know that caretaking is reciprocal, considering Phil's tactics with glue as well as his continuing health issues and anxieties. Dan has seen who he is without Phil by his side everyday in the public eye & has no interest in maintaining that Phil is absent for public projections.

I obviously do not know Dan Howell, or anything about him outside what exists on the internet. But in performance studies, there is a foundational understanding that there is no way to not be performing in some way during your day-to-day. Performing is not inherently a bad thing, as there are different roles you take on in your life, where how I engage at work is different from how I am hanging out with friends. This also has basis in gender studies, such as ideas that you can perform your gender "wrong". What has been so interesting to me in this phandom renaissance is the way Dan and Phil each perform as themselves in front of the camera now. What they share out and the layers they include--or choose to not remove--have been stated by them explicitly to be the most authentic they have ever been, without obviously removing their right to privacy. During the height of the glass closet that was their 2018 content, I remember thinking that it was going to be the most they would show us in the vain of "if you know, you know, and we know who will know". After the coming out videos of 2019, obviously that's not true, but the return of dapg has signaled a message of "we know you know, if you've been in the know" while veiled in a way that is not immediately perceivable by those who are casually engaging with their content. It is an authentic portrayal of themselves without filter, while also providing themselves space to not have to announce everything to the world. When you are in the know, it definitely targeted and causes psychic damage, but I am ready for anything and everything they throw our way.

#we’re all doomed #wad spoilers #daniel howell #danisnotonfire #dnp #dan and phil #dan howell #theatre analysis #performance studies #theatre director

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thatpodcastkid · 9 days

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Magnus Archives Relisten, MAG 13 Alone

If a ghost tells you to turn left in a forest, and no one's around to hear it, do you still get hit by a car? My apologies to Ms.Herne for the tasteless and offensive humor. MAG 13 analysis, spoilers ahead!

Facts: Statement of Naomi Herne regarding the funeral of her fiancé Evan Lukas. Statement given January 13, 2016.

Statement Notes: RIP Evan Lukas. RIP king. You would have loved Bo Burnham's Inside.

It's so exciting to have our first live statement. The beginning of the episode stands out because it establishes that the digital recorders not only fail frequently, but at specific times. It is likely that by this point Jon understands the tape recorders must be used for the "real" statements.

Naomi's behavior at the beginning of the episode is also a bit strange. For one, she states that a paranormal investigator laughed at her for suggesting the Magnus Institute. I've always found it odd that investigators like Melanie mock the institute or find it illegitimate because they are an academic institution. They do extensive research, have significant funding, and even though they don't actively interfere in paranormal occurrences, they appear to be conducting and publishing legitimate studies. Why are they disregarded so often?

Naomi also appears actively antagonistic towards Jon. She needs his help, yet still ices him out. This is exemplative of her unconcious commitment to remain alone. Even when she asks him to stay while she gives the statement, she doesn't form any connection with him.

The religious aspects of this episode are so profound. Herne had found solace in religion her whole life. The only person she aside from Lukas and her mother that she could form a connection with was her priest. Yet, in her moment of desperation and fear, when she seeks shelter in the church, the door is locked. Her priest had advised Naomi to bond with others, and while she does get close with Evan, she doesn't actually make more friends and instead depends on religion to give her a sense of connection. But religion alone couldn't help her when everything fell apart.

The idea of being locked out from your religion is also particularly powerful. Being metaphorically and literally locked out of her religion amplified Naomi's loneliness and drove her further into misery.

Lukas' death, while not necessarily supernatural, has this particularly stinging bit of symbolism. A man from a strongly connected yet chronically isolated dies of a genetic broken heart.

The "turn left" line is frightening because I can't pinpoint where it came from. There seems to be a few possibilities:

A) It actually was the dead Evan Lukas. His ghost was using the car crash to jar her out of the Lonely and save her. This insinuates that he wasn't killed by an illness, but by his family or at least some aspect of the Lonely which absorbed him.

B) Evan Lukas had been killed/absorbed by the Lonely, but he wasn't the one warning Naomi. The Lonely had taken and brainwashed him, compelling him to force Naomi towards the car in an attempt to kill her.

C) Evan Lukas' ghost was stuck in the Lonely, and in an uncontrolled spiritual state, thought killing Naomi could reunite them and free him from loneliness.

C) It wasn't Evan Lukas or his spirit, but a manipulation of his voice by the Lonely/the Lukas family to kill Naomi for invading their space and taking one of them away.

Entity Alignment: Pretty much in the title. Great introduction to the Lonely, really gets to both the heart of the fear and the methods it uses.

Some people have mentioned the elements of the Buried in this episode because of the open coffins, and while I do think it's present, these coffins are more so an extension of the Lonely. In the cemetery, Naomi is not afraid of being buried alive or of dying, but of dying alone. Hence the gravestone she carries out with her reading "Forgotten."

I also noticed Jon's Eye abilities beginning to develop in this episode. While he certainly isn't compelling Naomi to speak, he is certainly leading her. Naomi is mad at him, she doesn't want to speak, but his mention of the stone and attempt to diffuse the situation with a joke urge her to give the statement.

Character Notes: This introduction to the Lukases is very frightening. Very classic "isolated rich family" horror, but taken to another level because the isolation is the fear, not just a storytelling device.

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thatyoutubereviewer · 1 month

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youtube

Daniel Howell: WE'RE ALL DOOMED! (Full Comedy Special)

Genre: live comedy special

Date posted: Apr 28, 2024

Closed captioning: actually so good

Runtime: 2:08:16

Youtube description: brief summary, links to other socials, and credits for music

Trigger warnings: nihilism, internalized homophobia

My rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️🌟🌟🌟🌟🌈

Full spoiler free review below vv

As a damn near life-long fan of Dan Howell, I will admit I am a tad bit biased. This comedy special made me laugh (as you would hope), cry, and feel the full spectrum of emotions in little over two hours. If you like Bo Burnham's Inside, Barbie, or anything slightly gay and edgy, you will love this.

In this special, Dan breaks down (literally) why we are all doomed. From the climate crisis to conspiracy theories, Dan has thoughts about it. This set has it all: musical numbers, bubbles, court scenarios, you name it. Never skipping a beat, Dan's witty commentary never feels boring, the script is brilliantly written, and the improvised crowdwork was a marvel.

Even if you have no clue who Daniel Howell is, please check out this masterpiece.

And to Dan, you deserve those flowers 💐

#youtube #youtube review #thatyoutubereviewer #dan and phil #dan howell #daniel howell #phan #phandom #danisnotonfire #amazing phil #phil lester #comedy

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fadeawaywithyou · 6 months

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immediate first reviews of the (non-nightcore) Mammalian Sighing Reflex album from Wilbur!

spoilers below if you haven't listened to his album! I really like it! Also, I'm not looking into lyrics online just yet, it's very late and if I do that I won't sleep cause it'll just consume my mind for hours.

-Amazon Standing Lamp: I love the guitar here and I laughed when it took me about 5 seconds to realize the higher voice isn't a woman, but actually Wilbur Soot singing alongside himself. He's sampling something at the end I don't know.

-Mine/Yours: The lyrics about kissing like a job and tongue and teeth *mwah* and the last line ohhhhhhh boy. The beat reminds me of a beating heart.

-Around the Pomegranate: the instrumental at 30 seconds in is SO GOOD the beat with the distorted voice is so fun. i can make out the lines "no one else can save you" and "nowhere you [can?] return to". This whole song is very fun despite the lyrics and meaning. It's just a very experimental. I like when the music gets very loud. Speaking of the lyrics the ending where Wilbur says he wants to feel normal again is just...I'm gonna go lay on the floor.

-I Don't Think It Will Ever End: Again with the experimental music! It kinda immediately reminds me of that part in Bo Burnham's Inside, the song "All Eyes On Me" where he has a mid-song monologue. It is very interesting in a meta-sense due to the comparison I can't help but make between this and Wilbur's streams. Where he's got a "chat" or audience responding to him in a cheery voice no matter what he says.

-Glass Chalet: I like the scratchy feeling in the instrumental. He's throwing stones in a Glass Chalet, which according to google is like a fancy type of cabin found in the mountains (the alps, specifically?). Also, I love the sampling he's doing with the talking at the end.

-Melatonin 130: I like the distorted voice at the end. He's really experimenting with this album and I'll keep saying it because I love it! I love the ending lyrics about everyone hoping you fail and the apes with coloring books, I think he said?

-Oh Distant You: The music takes up most of this song, instead of the lyrics, but what is sung is very nice.

-Eulogy: One of the lyrics hits very close to home. Not in a good way, but not in a bad way either. I guess it'll depend on the day I listen to the song. It's a good song. I like it a lot.

-Dropshipped Cat Shirt: The distortion kinda reminds me of those hyperpop songs that went viral on tiktok back in 2020 and it's very new to hear it used in this way with these lyrics and the general tone of the music. The last line! God, what is it with this album and the final couple of lines that hit me upside the head? I just need someone to tell me I'm tired???? God DAMN. shit...

-The Median: Very good. I like these shorter songs in between full-length songs. It's just a minute long but I really like it.

-Trying Not To Think About It: The lines about romance and marriage...man that's relatable. this is probably gonna be my favorite song. And then the rest of the song just.../pos but ooooooof

-10 Week Rule: It's a good song. Was NOT expecting that line in the chorus, which I'll let people reading this find out themselves.

Overall, this is an excellent album! I really love it and I will be listening to it constantly. This gives me the same feelings that YCGMA gave me, while still staying very distinct. It's not more POLISHED than ycgma, but it's clearly made with Wilbur's more improved skills in music making. (there is a word for this i can't remember rn)

I'm gonna commit to picking a favorite song after a couple more listens, but so far I really like Trying Not To Think About It and Around the Promegrante. This is a very creative album and I'm glad he's experimenting here. This doesn't sound like Lovejoy, and I'm super happy. It's unique, it's fun, and it's sad!

#thesearemyposts #wilbur soot #mammalian sighing reflex #wilbur soot music #wilbur music #amazon standing lamp #mine/yours #around the pomegranate #i don't think it will ever end #glass chalet #melatonin 130 #oh distant you #eulogy #dropshipped cat shirt #the median #10 week rule #sorry wanted to tag all the songs

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glowyjellyfish · 2 years

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Is there still a Ducktales fandom here? Most of the blogs I followed around the 2017 times have either changed subjects or gone quiet. Well, anyway, if anybody’s still here:

I started rewatching Ducktales 2017 over the holiday, with the intent of finally finishing the last few episodes! I’m in the middle of s2 and very excited. So I went through and started editing my playlist, which hasn’t really been updated since season 1. And I’m wondering if any other fans out there have any song ideas. I’d like to have a fairly equal amount of songs for each major character, and so far my favorites tend to be over represented.

Here’s what I have so far:

General amusement songs:

Ducktales theme song

Quack Quack Quack! Donald Duck

The Three Caballeros Song

Scrooge

The Saddest Story Ever Told by The Magnetic Fields

Hazy Shade of Winter by Gerard Way

Feel It Still by Portugal. The Man

Inside Out by Eve 6

We Are the Champions by Queen

Donald

Trouble Loves Me by Morrisey

The Worst Day Since Yesterday by Flogging Molly

Come With Me Now by Kongos

Battle Cry by Ludo

Return by OK Go (although it’s about Della, from his perspective)

Della

Song of the Sea by Cake Bake Betty

Got to Fly by Marian Call (the best Della song)

Rocket Ship by Kathy McCarty

Huey

The Trail We Blaze by Elton John

Overkill by Colin Hay (I kinda want to replace this one)

In Too Deep by Sum 41

Everything is Awesome by Tegan and Sara

Dewey

Ready for Anything by Skyway Flyer

A Little Less Conversation by Elvis Presley (the Megamind cover)

Ghost by Mystery Skulls

Louie

Plan B by Five Iron Frenzy

Heist by Ben Folds Five

Here It Goes Again by OK Go

Natural by Imagine Dragons

The Future by Mystery Skulls

Webby

Kids in the Dark by All Time Low

I’m Ready by Angela Michael

Try Everything by Shakira

Beakley

Have You Got It In You? by Imogen Heap

Launchpad

Crash Goes My World by Cadence Grace

Flying by Blue Rodeo

Mr Blue Sky by Electric Light Orchestra

All Star by Smash Mouth (the best Launchpad song)

Bud Like You by AJR

Holding Out For a Hero by Bonnie Tyler (favorite recent addition, it’s both perfect and hilarious)

Learn to Fly by Foo Fighters

Gyro

Build the Robots by Doctor Steel

Still Alive from Portal

Fenton (should note that his section is a bit of a mess and may include songs that don’t work very well because I was just tossing songs in there to see what would stick)

Rocket Man by Elton John (although it works better for Classic Fenton than 2017 Fenton)

A Better Son/Daughter by Rilo Kiley

Freaking Out by Mystery Skulls

The Safety Dance by Men Without Hats (haven’t tested it yet, but the idea amused me)

Hero by Chad Kroeger

Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons

Mighty Little Man by Steve Burns

Consequences by Buffering the Vampire Slayer

We Are by Ana Johnson

Lena

Opheliac by Emilie Autumn

Glomgold

Opportunities by Pet Shop Boys

Reprehensible by They Might Be Giants

Mark Beaks

Whipped Cream by Ludo

Welcome to the Internet by Bo Burnham

Gladstone

Life Has Been Good To Me by Randy Newman

…and that’s it. As you can see, it does not feel like a complete playlist, covering neither every character nor any full arcs. …except maybe Launchpad who’s pretty well represented with some good and great songs for him. My sister has suggested I try Let the Games Begin and The Good Part by AJR, as well as You Won’t Make a Fool Out of Me by Flogging Molly for Donald, but I would like some songs I haven’t heard by different artists, if possible. Also, please note that I haven’t seen the last five or so episodes of the series yet; I have approximate knowledge of The One Thing, but otherwise am avoiding spoilers until I finish.

Any ideas?

#Ducktales 2017 #Ducktales

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soundprisms · 1 year

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Clue: The best advice I can give to someone trying to solve any mystery is to start at the end. While it may seem difficult to walk backwards, or start at Z and end with A, there’s really nothing to it once you take that first step. See? Z, Y, X, W… okay, maybe it isn’t so easy after all.

Actual question: Wl blf szev zmb hlmth li nfhrx gszg blf zggiryfgv gl gsv lirtrmzo hvxivg hvirvh? (R lmob hkvxrub hrmxv R szevm'g ivzw gsv yzw yllph bvg zmw wlm'g dzmg hklrovih)

ohh my god you Actually sent me a coded message. anon you MADLAD. you are my new favorite person.

anyway, here’s the question itself (thanks gravity falls for teaching me about atbash cipher):

Do you have any songs or music that you attribute to the original secret series? (I only specify since I haven't read the bad books yet and don't want spoilers)

so this was. very hard for me to answer which is why i’ve been sitting on this ask for months because the thing is. i don’t… usually associate songs with a fandom as much i do with specific characters and relationships. so it’s not Really what you asked for but here’s a small list of those! (also thanks for specifying no bad books or else I would have just dropped my 1 hour long wip max-ernest and clay playlist and that would not have been very helpful)

the midnight sun/ms mauvais and dr l:

puzzle pieces - saint motel

los ageless - st vincent (also arguably the one i associate most with the series in general lol)

everybody’s a guru now - saint motel

max-ernest/pb:

i love you for psychological reasons - they might be giants

i’m not a loser - spongebob squarepants: the musical (LISTEN IM SORRY)

laughing with a mouth of blood - st vincent (this one is So pbcore)

most of the songs from inside by bo burnham but esp goodbye and look who’s inside again (thanks to viv @2tercesgolb)

pietro and luciano:

call them brothers - only son

no one will ever love you - the magnetic fields

cass and max-ernest:

hate that you know me - bleachers

true blue - boygenius

if i think of more i will definitely add them in a reblog!

#kiran.txt #asked and answered #the secret series #im sorry for my short list and narrow music taste #most of my associating-music-with-tercesverse brain goes into the aforementioned 1 hour wip playlist

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wanda-apologist · 1 year

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I posted 1,651 times in 2022

That's 605 more posts than 2021!

11 posts created (1%)

1,640 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@dingdongyouarewrong

@masteroffoolhardyplans

@bluejay-in-flight

@nessa007

@korcariiwitch

I tagged 464 of my posts in 2022

#wwdits - 59 posts

#doctor who - 38 posts

#wwdits spoilers - 32 posts

#queen died - 32 posts

#dw - 24 posts

#dracula daily - 23 posts

#ofmd - 21 posts

#harry potter - 20 posts

#percy jackson - 17 posts

#aesthetic - 14 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#anyways the black and white thinking in liberal spaces recently of good person on our side/person who is secretly a conservative is scary

My Top Posts in 2022:

name change! fangirl-wren -> wanda-apologist

4 notes - Posted November 20, 2022

unpaid internships are so fucking demoralizing

4 notes - Posted July 28, 2022

the rehearsal made me feel the way inside by bo burnham made me feel. that’s the only way i can describe it

7 notes - Posted August 21, 2022

e 5 s 1 of mythic quest got me crying in the club. i’ve only had doc and beans for 10 minutes but if anything happens to them i’ll kill everyone in this place and then myself

17 notes - Posted May 23, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

watching the rehearsal isn’t enough i need to eat the show

20 notes - Posted August 21, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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turtlethebean · 11 months

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Introducing OCs for a CC AU: Part Arson

(Yes, that is literally their name)

For links to all picrews, see part Elton.

Warning: Spoilers for both the AU and CC season 3 ahead!

Name: Arson McAoghan

Aliases:

The Doctor

The Arsonist

Ars (multiple characters)

Age: 19

Birth: 5th of May 2004

Origin: Unnamed small town, Ireland

Gender: Non-binary

Pronouns: They/them

Sexuality: Omniromantic Asexual

Family:

Azar McAoghan (Older brother)

Unnamed sister-in-law

Unnamed nieces

Unnamed nephew

Unnamed older brother

Unnamed mother

Unnamed father

Partner(s): Unnamed ex-girlfriend

Affiliations:

Unnamed university (Rank: Student)

The New Bureau (Rank: Head of Research/Medical)

Height: 5 foot 5

Blood type: A+

Backstory:

Arson was born and raised in a small town in Ireland, the details of which are not specified due to them keeping their private life away from their work. The New Bureau has met their older brother, Azar, however.

Arson was studying medical science at an unnamed university when they met Olivia and then, by extension, Elliot and Benjamin. The group became close before the attack at the arcade.

After the attack, Arson made themself a small temporary laboratory in Olivia's room in order to study Elliot while also getting him in a stable enough condition to transport him to a better base, which Olivia and Benjamin were working on.

Since the attack, Arson is more closed off than they were before. There are some notes in their file, but it's mostly medical information like their allergies to mosquito bites and pineapple. It is also rumored that they were in an abusive relationship before university.

Songs to describe them because I cannot describe personality for shit:

Loser Like You by Julian Guba

Girls by MARINA

Evergreen/Arsonist by Katzun

BlackBoxWarrior - OKULTRA by Will Wood

Problems by Mother Mother

Sweaters by Ursa Major

Coming Soon by Annie DiRusso

Turn it Down by OR3O

On My Own by Caled Hyles

Look Who's Inside Again by Bo Burnham

Trivia:

They have a strong preference for women romantically

They are autistic and have a special interest in birds, which they will literally infodump about at any opportunity

They've had the scar on their eyebrow since they were a kid (as well as ones on their knees) from falling over while walking a dog as a child.

They are near fluent in Spanish and was actually a translator when the team went to Spain.

They carry a number of scalpels on them on a regular basis.

They are constantly off balance so they typically walk with a cane on long journeys

Their name started out as a misspelling of their deadname but they adopted it eventually.

#sombra reutrns au #au #criminal case au #alternative universe #criminal case alternative universe #cc au #cc alternative universe #criminal case save the world #criminal case season 3 #criminal case #oc #sombra returns au oc #cc oc #criminal case oc #original character #criminal case original character

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dzpenumbra · 1 year

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3/24/23

I just accidentally titled this "3/24/56" and had the eerie thought that... hopefully... at some point in my life I actually will date a document with that date. That's a weird goddamn thought. Best not to linger on it too long... XD

I had my first human contact in several days today. My therapist, of course. It was good. He kept sorta... correcting me on my extrapolations that the shit I was dealing with the other day skating... where I was convinced I was pissing people off and something bad would happen because of it... I was trying to kinda... connect the dots that it was trauma related. He made a big point to emphasize that it was anxiety, and really hammered into that point. He clarified a few times with me to check whether it was panic or anxiety. And... well... I guess I can call myself lucky.

I'm starting to discern the difference between anxiety and panic. Again. For the millionth time. Because apparently it's my fate to just... keep forgetting shit. So... I made a point to share with him the parallel that I found recently to remember the difference. Phobos and Deimos. Terror and Dread. There's a distinct difference, and... from my understanding... they're actually different parts of the brain that are lit up? Maybe I'm off on that, I'm clearly not an expert in that field. But yeah, I'm definitely dealing much more with Dread than Terror.

But... Terror is what's unleashed when I smoke weed. Terror can come out in nightmares. Terror came out when I watched Bo Burnham's "Inside" with some random chick I met on Bumble who put her head on me when a song was playing that sounded like it was literally talking directly to me and I had one of those Truman Show moments. Those moments, those are fucking Terror. Like my life is a big fucking lie, this is just an experiment, we've been fucking with you for 20 years, see? Look, here's the cameras! Haha! Or the fun classic that I'm guessing sourced from my extensive history watching psychological horror movies - you're actually dead and you don't know it! Like Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense (sorry for the spoiler but like... come on, you have to have seen it by now).

Those are fucking panic attacks. Like... something bad is actively, imminently happening. A meteor is crashing towards Earth. You're having a heart attack and are going to die. The world is actually ending, and you're just being notified, and now you need to figure out what to do. And moments like that? Those are horrific to go through alone. Trust me.

What I'm going through are anxiety, he's been reminding me. And I was trying to push a bit deeper with it, saying this is... trauma reinforced. That's why I was saying it was kind of a PTSD thing, mostly because of the sense of... lack of safety that I felt. That was a big resonant thing that I associate with PTSD, not feeling safe when you are safe. And a cohesive theme behind that, that tracks to traumatic events. But again, I'm not the professional here. Either way, it's anxiety, and it's clearly "inspired by" past experiences. So... I'm guessing the miscommunication there was just... nomenclature.

He gave me the same kind of advice I usually get, to challenge the thoughts and seek evidence. And... I kinda automatically do that. I just... didn't really dismantle his argument because I wanted to hear what tools he was going to offer at the end of it. Finite time, you know?

He said "do you have any evidence that you were upsetting people?" Well, I had headphones in, but someone did yell at me at one point, didn't hear what they said. And when riding by people, they very obviously don't seem... pleased... They're not excited, they're not stoked, they're not curious, they're not "oh wow, what's that, it's like a skateboard but it's moving on its own... weird..." I get "annoyed" vibes from them. I don't have clear confirmation of it because... you know... I'm not in their heads... but it lingers. And I try to shrug it off, right? Because... it's like... I could be jumping to conclusions. I get what he was getting at, and again... I do that! I do challenge the thoughts! But what really set me off that day was... evidence. Evidence to prove the anxiety right. The no-skateboarding sign, with the big fine on it. Then looking up the bylaws. I can keep that "I might be pissing people off" stuff at bay, it's hard but I have the tools. What gets me... and again, this is where I really think he started to understand the challenge I was dealing with... what gets me is when that anxiety gets one fucking morsel of concrete evidence. "You are clearly pissing people off, because what you're doing is illegal." "Of course your landlords are going to be pissed at you, there's a giant hole in the wall" "Duh your retired neighbors are judging you, you're smoking weed on your porch at 1PM on a Monday afternoon when everyone else is at work."

It makes me insecure about like... snowskating at the park and making a bunch of noise on the maintenance door. It makes me go back to when I was skating on the sidewalks in that blizzard and the cop was watching me, because what I was doing was technically illegal and I could be fined for it... And after sharing this with him, I'm just like... I think he started to get it a bit. That this is actually a pretty reasonable fear. And not quite as simple as just... dismantle the anxiety and it goes away. In this case... the law had been clearly crafted to (in case of snowskating) combat people unsafely sledding on the sidewalks of steep hills, and (in the case of skateboarding) grinding the curbs, ollieing into traffic, bombing hills, shit like that. But the laws are very general and prejudiced against all forms of riding period, not just the specific types of dangerous riding they want to prohibit. It's not "no smoking within 20 feet of the establishment" it's "no smoking at any time, ever, anywhere". So... it kinda just... fucks me over when I try to use my board practically. Or when I have 15+ years experience riding my snowskate and want to practice or even film some tricks in my neighborhood.

Professional skateboarders still deal with this when they film their parts for their actual full-time fucking job. It's been over 30 fucking years of this bullshit.

Like... I went to get pizza delivery and a package from the package room today in my yoga pants and a hoodie, no shirt underneath, no socks, haven't showered all day. And I used to be super self conscious about smelling bad. And yeah, it can take a push sometimes, but today I really didn't give too much of a shit. I can dismantle that mental argument pretty quick - "who fucking cares?" "So what, someone thinks I smell, they're being judgmental, they don't know what kind of day I'm having, let them fucking judge."

But when it comes to me... albeit negligently... breaking the law? It puts me in a bit of a quandary. I guess this is where I bring out the DnD alignment sheet and explain my shift.

So DnD alignments are personality spectrums. Chaotic -> Lawful. Evil -> Good. With neutrals in between. I have never been in the Evil camp, honestly. It's just not in my nature, it's very repulsive to me. But in my past, I had definitely willfully been more in the Chaotic Neutral camp. I loved the spontaneity and excitement of Chaos, I found it more exciting than boring old Order. The Joker is just funnier, cooler and more entertaining than Batman. Sorry, Batman. But... Chaos just brought me to Evil people. And often planted the idea in the heads of others that I was... innately self-interested and potentially Evil.

In my reformation, after my life collapsed and I grew a ton and really woke up to who I am and what I wanted to be in life... I started leaning much heavier towards actively pursuing Good rather than being on the Neutral fence. Meh, the more I think about it, I was more on the side of Good than Neutral... I've just stayed Neutral because I just don't want to be actively involved in the fight, honestly. My heart has always been aligned with Good. But I started to drift much further away from Chaos the past several years. And now, I'm probably getting closer to Lawful Good. Which is... not what I ever expected. Going from a Han Solo kinda character to more of an Obi Wan.

Lawful, in this case, not just meaning loyalty to social policies or a faction, but... orderly, structured, disciplined, predictable. And god knows a lot of that is being socially pressured. It's really weird, because... I mean... it's 4:30 AM. Literally no one else in my gigantic apartment building is awake, I guarantee it. I have barely any structure, I live on the fringe and have for a very long time. I prefer spontaneity and my career and daily life are built around pursuing creative impulses as they occur. I have deliberately shaped my life around this, which is like... literally Chaos! XD And yet... I'm more orderly than I have been in the past. I do yoga daily, I do chores, I do weekly takeout? Kinda? When I know what day it is? XD Can you tell how confusing this is for me?!

This is really my first time putting myself and my older self on the alignment grid. And... I'm really not sure where I'm at. Maybe I'm more around Neutral Good. Or even Chaotic Good. I'm clearly not Evil inclined, and clearly have a serious problem with Evil... I just... don't want to combat Evil... so I have never seen myself aligned with Good because of that. Like... I'm a pacifist... I refuse to cause harm even to Evil... And that character quality is kinda why I've gotten chewed up and spit out so much by less-than-Good people...

So, honestly... I'm pretty Chaotic. My orderly habits keep me sane and keep me in tune, but I really can't say I'm structured just because I do yoga first thing every day. And that, in itself, is not a slight against me. And fighting my Chaotic nature... has historically caused more problems than good. My Chaos is not bad. It's just... randomness. Quirkiness. My typing right now is Chaos. It's just thoughts coming straight out of my head with no editing at all. But... there's this stigma I've been around in my life. Maybe it's cultural, maybe it's my family, I don't know. They feel like if you're not "structured" and "disciplined" and all that blah blah boring bullshit... you're a bad person. You're doing it wrong. And often, you're unpredictable and dangerous.

When I last lived in this city - a few lifetimes ago - I wanted to do some kind of project (which I would consider at this stage in my life a performance art piece) where me and my friend would go undercover as homeless people for a day or two. See what life looked like from that side of society, as like... a method acting experiment. And, at the naive age of 21, I would've gladly done it if my friend agreed. I really just didn't fully process how fucking dangerous that was, and how fleeting and fragile life really is. But, there are artists that have done that kind of thing and been fine. And maybe I'm being super paranoid by even thinking that if I were homeless, I would be murdered within 24 hours. Right? I mean... isn't that... anxiety?

That switch got thrown. Whatever that is. The self-preserver. The "yeah, you better be cautious, you could die at any second." "You know what, let's go to the store tomorrow, wouldn't wanna risk... something..." "Yeah, let's not call the vet when we only got 6 hours of sleep, we might 'fuck it up'... somehow..." THAT shit. That was a big shift in me. And... I thought it was PTSD. It's definitely trauma-sourced. My therapist told me today it's anxiety. He directed me towards "Polyvagal Theory" again. Here:

Makes sense in a lot of ways. And I rarely cross that line into "I can't" anymore. I just go into evasion, procrastination, shit like that (with going to the store, or the skatepark, or calling a place because I'm nervous or something). Like... it rarely even gets to panic anymore. Anxiety and Irritation, yeah, I get that a ton. And it lingers. So... I'd see that as really good improvement. I just see all that shit on the other side way down below... and I fucking miss it, man. Connection. Safety. Social Engagement. I miss that shit.

Ugh... well, I've got tons of "homework". Affirmations for myself. Kind reminders of who I am, where I am, and what I choose to be. And I'm reading them for the first time, and they're actually really nice, and really helpful. I remember times when I was younger when I would be the "cool" kid who would scoff and turn his nose up at this kinda shit without a moment's consideration... god, that's so embarrassing... Like being judgmental is cool or something. Like fucking Roger Klotz or something, ugh. Here are the mantras:

This feeling is only temporary. I inhale peace and exhale worry. I am safe and in control.

I feel like those are going to be helpful. And the first thing that ran through my head when he told me about this was to make a piece of jewelry for myself around this. Something I wear every day, I referred to it as the "tattoo method", which he... didn't seem to connect with. I guess it's a cultural thing. Meaning... something on your person that is symbolic of a very important reminder to yourself, so that when you need it, it's always there. Like my tattoo on my chest that I can read in the mirror that reminds me that when I feel chest pains in that location, I'm not dying, it's just anxiety, and it's caused... by me. It really does help.

It's getting late. I got most of the line work done on the hoodie, there's only shading left now, then the outer ring... whenever I decide what to do with it. No rush on that. Big victory there.

And I decided to play music tonight, first time in a while. I actually recorded. Two guitar parts and a bass part. Very brief, one riff, a harmony riff and underlying bass to kinda... camouflage the hum of incredibly old pickups. It was a really cool riff, I'm very proud of myself for writing it on the fly, and without any paper or anything. Just me and my guitar, Elisha. Like the old days.

I'm inspired to keep going with that and see where it leads me. Listening to Baroness always makes me want to record 20 albums worth of guitar music, I swear! XD

Bed time, be well.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

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smellycinnamonthundahfudge · 3 years

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ok but in all slight seriousness, regarding inside as a whole, i keep seeing people shocked/surprised over it being how it was

how "different" it was to the other comedy specials, and...

uhh,, i "get" it but i.. also... don't??

is it really just me who thought inside was just right for as it was??

imo, bo has always been doing honestly weird kooky shit and it's part of why i vibe with the man.

inside felt like a deeply personal surrealist handetched fantasy nightmare bo handcrafted himself personally in each and every damn depressing manic step of the way, and i expected nothing less from him

this is the man that wasn't afraid to tell sing-shout at people to kill themselves just to make a ~subtle~ point about pop music

what. was such a dizzyingly kaleidoscope array of non-stop barrage of weird different each time sketches

that literally had two halves of his brain warring and shouting at one another, like some surreal musical sci-fi psychological comedy sketch

and this was bo pre-pandemic/before the the world ended hahah

can ya really blame his imagination running fucking feral wild being forced to be cooped up in just one place all this time? (NOT TO MENTION AT A CENTURY-3 MONTHS-YEAR TIME WORMHOLE 2020 WAS???)

am i really the only one who could understand bo doing this special the way he did? idk maybe it's just the burgeoning swiftie in me (as well my personal pandemic lockdown experiences i guess), but, creatives going nuts & channeling that into their work just to fucking cope with & survive the pandemic is something i just, i think i fully understood is something bo was 100% capable of/vulnerable to doing or would do...

inside felt like 2020 in a bottle. it tracked. bo was weird & a pretty deeply personal & emotional dude before, so idk, to me it didn't leave much to the imagination to imagine what he'd be like once 2020 hit. inside looked exactly what i imagined he'd be like in the fucking black hole vortex 2020 was...

it's just pretty wild some (if not most) of yalls are actually shocked/surprised with what he did, imo...

goes to show what people can take away from pieces of media, hmm. idk maybe i'm just a bit shocked that fans themselves who watched his specials didn't expect this...

it's really got me feeling like, did you Watch those specials??? did you watch those and think the man who did that shit™ wasn't capable of This Shit™???

idk man, it's just a trip hahahah

(i saw some yt comments & began to read a review, it's what prompted this ramble. i'm just rlly shook some people are shook hahah. not shook with inside, nah, that sht tracked hahah. shook with fans shook with inside hahah. that's what's weird to me hahah.)

#bo burnham #bo burnham: inside #inside #inside spoilers #bo burnham: inside spoilers

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my-nameless-bliss · 3 years

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sorry, i cant today, im too busy thinking about the part of ‘inside’ where he finally goes out the door and you think its going to be the cathartic, hopeful resolution, and instead he ends up on a stage and has a panic attack and breaks down while the audience laughs at him

#im going to be thinking about that scene for the rest of my life #bo burnham #inside #bo burnham inside #spoilers #i know he sneaks in that little smile at the last second but STILL #NOT the way i thought the door metaphor would resolve #its fine im fine hes fine its fine

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hero-in-high-tops · 3 years

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Bo Burnham Inside spoilers but I don't give context