#been up all night again... its 7am when im posting this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

deadgrantaires · 1 year

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i think i just posted breakdown lb today but to sum up my monday:

had to wake up at 7am to call DES about benefits. keep in mind i havent been sleeping for like a week i am waking up at least eveyr hour sometimes eveyr 20 minutes all night long i wake up more exhuasted than when i go to bed and BONUS my chronic pain is through the roof and staying in bed is physically painful. i have no clear solution for this until i see a physical therapist and a neurologist. so i call DES and am immediatley very sick. im on hold while i have to clean up my sick mess. im exhausted. im on hold for over an Hour despite calling them the second they open. i finally talk to someone for this """totally necessary interview""" shes asks me like 5 questions that were already answered when i called TWO WEEKS AGO to APPLY. she CLAIMSm y account is no longer spliced with my roommates but has no proof. i tell her that when i log into the portal/account ive had for SIX YEARS i cannot see the latest application. she says theres nothing she can do and thats and IT problem. great. so i cant upload any documents online. she says i have to uplaod proof through an email with each document in a seperate email so it doesnt ""overwhelm the system."" im bashing my head in the wall but sure. ask her if theres anything else. yse. she now claims that i have to CALL AGAIN anytime that i submit a documentb c if i dont THEY WILL NOT BE NOTIFIED OF THE DOCUMENT BEING RECIEVED...... WHAT??? i say ive been doing this for 6 years and have NEVER encounted this what is she talking about when did this become a thing. she says 'well during covid we couldnt do in person so you ahve to call.' i tell her ive been doing this 6 years and have alwyas doen eveyrthing online fully and completley. and remind her i called the second they opened and was on hold for OVER AN HOUR. she insists this is ""how it is."" im about to cry. i manage to thank her and hang up and try calling the number she gave me for IT. its now a little past 9am i was on the phone with her for an hour to answer 5 questions i alreayd answered previously. i call the IT number. the recording says they haev too high a call volume and to call back later and hang up. theyve been open 2 hours. i ahve to go to w0rk at 11. and act like eveyrthings fine despite having no access to see my application and getting compellte mixed messages form eveyroen i talk to on the phone and beign told to JUST CALL AGAIN when EVYER interaction with them has taken me 2-3 hours that i ahve to WAKE UP AT 7AM for.

add that to the growng stress of i think i might lose my state insurance and thus wouldnt be able to afford my necessary medication let alone my continuouse doctor visits as my conditioning is worsening. so. understandably id say i had a complete breakdown on my lunch br3ak and have been internally battling my panicked suicidal ideation by trying to be kind to myself and take care of my needs so. yeah. im litterally at the end of my rope and i am. just refusing to ever call them again after the shit show ive been through for weeks on end in addition to my sharply declining health. so. well. 👍

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sexybabystevie · 1 year

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i literally JUST made a post about this but its genuinely killing me so i feel like i have to say it again. but i am, again, very sorry that my writing is taking longer. valentines day event requests should have been done days ago. a week ago, even. my inbox is totally filled with requests from months ago. i genuinely try not to let this account stress me out too much since i do this for free and because i love writing, but general exhaustion and anxiety has started making me feel like im not doing enough when im barely managing to care for myself in the first place. its just been hard.

i dont really have the motivation for much. i want to do things, sure, but i cant find any reason to do them. starting things or even continuing them is exhausting. like ive been in such a "i need to consume media and talk about it" kind of mood lately but i just cant start anything or even rewatch anything because its too overwhelming.

i genuinely dont sleep at night. im pretty much nocturnal. i dont sleep until, at earliest 5am, latest 7am. thus far, anyway, it could change. i have a feeling i could stay up until 8 or 9 today. not willingly but i cant sleep unless my brain is completely exhausted.

its just really hard to enjoy things lately. anything at all really. im exhausted, i know sleeping regularly would help but ive had sleep issues since i was 9 so i dont think theyre getting fixed. its a huge annoying cycle tbh. i just need to say that im trying i think. like im genuinely trying to answer everyone and im trying to get through requests. im trying to write and im trying to come up with posts and new story ideas, and all i want to do is write. for you all and also because i have a cool idea i wanna write out but its so unbelievably hard to actually write it. im just trying but i dont know if it makes a difference or not.

#em speaks #tw vent ish

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nopethatsnotembarrassing · 1 year

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Okay idk if im actually going to post this but like I am reading a translated version of the songs of Skz-Replay (I started this at like 4am btw)

So I was pretty right about Limbo, saudade is the perfect word to describe its feeling.

Doodle is even better cause it's got that "fuck you" attitude to the lyrics that I adore

Love Untold does have a similar meaning to what I expected. Its incredible that even if I couldn't understand the words I still felt that it was about missing someone but still enjoying the time you had together.

And then I got to Run and I literally had to stop myself from crying. I'm so glad that he doesn't have all of that on him anymore and he has gotten more comfortable.

I think that seeing seeing the good memories as Stars and the painful ones as Raindrops is a very useful way to remind yourself that the sadness will rush over you but the happiness you felt will be there for you forever. Knowing the meaning of it I think it feels even more Seungmin now. (I mean that as a compliment)

Hug Me is actually somehow more precious than I thought

Since these are now the ones that have been out ill only comment on them if it's a song I didn't know or it relates to my first reaction post.

Streetlight will always hurt. Both for who it was about and because I have been like a streetlight and it hurts even more to know that he knows that feeling.

So I got the names of 꼬마별 (miss you) and ice.cream mixed up because i knew the meaning of one of them. My feeling of 꼬마별 (miss you) was quite right despite the mix up.

I already knew the meaning of HaPpY and commented on it in the other post but yeah, I've been thinking about that friend even more again and I Really do hope he's living happily.

Lmao the irony of reading/listening to 오늘 밤 나는 불을 켜 (Up All Night) at almost 7am when I haven't slept is not lost on me.

#my post #skipping queue

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logically-asexual · 3 years

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okay i'm already procrastinating and i don't plan on sleeping any time soon so here we go.

☆ ✩ my personal ranking for every season 1 Sanders Sides episode. ✩ ☆

i think it's going to be pretty similar to @dukeofonions' but let's see if i find something new to contribute haha. i see you didn't include that one about Patton in the Big Game or whatever, so i'm not including it either xd. also i think i'm going to count Accepting Anxiety as one episode only.

edit: i finished and now i dare you to drink a shot of water every time i say the word spanish or a version of the word comfort and become very well hydrated.

#16 I'm in a Disney Show

(i agree with dukeofonions here) i always forget this episode exists. it was ok in terms of being happy for real life Thomas but as a Sanders Sides episode it didn't do anything. the sides were just giving their opinions but it wasn't very funny or interesting. also i'm bitter because it made me look up the episode he was in and i didn't like it at all. i don't know if i'm too old for those Disney shows now but Thomas was literally the only good part of it, everything else was really dull and boring imo. a waste of time.

however, Logan supporting clickbait is one of the funniest things ever, and i'll never forget it.

#15 Becoming A Cartoon

i didn't hate this episode but it was just .. meh.. you know? several factors contribute to this. one, i couldn't feel much nostalgia for Butch Hartman's shows because i watched them in Spanish, and everything feels really weird when they speak English, i don't like how my old cartoons sound in English. two, it was disappointing to me because we were all desperately waiting for Plot™ and instead they give us this short episode about nothing (oh how the tables have turned now it's the other way around haha). and three, i didn't like the style of the animation :/ their faces and expressions freaked me out, Roman's douchey face still haunts me.

#14 Way Too Adult

here i'm biased because i don't like Patton much, and i didn't back when i watched the series the first time either, so this video was a little disappointingwithout the rest. also it wasn't relatable to me because i am still too young and dependent on my parents haha. but Patton is funny and it's funny to laugh at Thomas' struggling.

#13 The Dark Side of Disney

i've never been a fan of Disney movies. i actually never watched Mulan or the Lion King or Aladdin as a kid, so meh. i liked the ending, though, it was cool to see Virgil have fun and be right for once. it does make me a bit uncomfortable because the way Thomas tries too hard with Virgil's mouth movements and his low voice reminds me of a guy that had made me v uncomfortable not long before watching that video. so an icky feel overall.

#12 A New Year of Lying to Myself

this video was actually kind of fogettable to me. i had a hard time connecting the voices in the song to the characters and idk. i don't love it nor hate it, just .. neutral.

#11 My True Identity

pretty much the same opinion as dukeofonions, again. it's a good introduction and it's good that it was the beginning of it all but on its own it's not very special. i think it's awesome on Thomas to have come up with such a clever idea, like choosing the dad, the teacher and the prince and putting them together and match them with thoughts?? that fit so perfectly?? it really is just very impressive when you think about it, that it was just a random idea he had for a short 5 minute video.

#10 Taking on Anxiety

i liked this video a lot because when i watched it i had recently been a lot on tumblr, and found out through relatable posts that i had anxiety. so watching this video was really fun and it made me happy to feel so seen, specially the intro when Thomas just talks about what it's like to have Anxiety and Virgil is so smug about it.

- ★ -

okay now that those are out of the way things are going to get hard... all the following i love with all my heart so i'm going to rank them based on the smallest things.

#9 Growing Up

once more, Patton isn't my favorite. so that's why i'm putting this here, plus the echo at the end askjhsahg, but i love love this video. i remember we were waiting and oh so ready for the angst of nobody taking Patton seriously. and we received!! i love that though Roman and Logan are antagonists here, they're both so happy about Thomas wanting to have a healthy life. and i just adore the way Logan admits his mistake at the end and asks Patton directly. my heart... also aw.. the nostalgia. i remember none of us knew how to spell Patton's name and were writing it in very funny ways until Thomas and Joan told us lol.

#8 The Mind vs The Heart

when i watched this video the first times i didn't like it much, because i only had eyes for Virgil, but later i came back to it and loved it. so taking that into account i'm putting it here. logicality was the first ship i ever shipped in the show because i saw a gifset on tumblr of Patton screaming "what do you know about love?!" and Logan "apparently more than YOU" and the caption said "MARRIED", and i thought hey yeah... anyway. i love them. they're both my dads since that day.

this video is so so so relatable and i love it. Logan and Patton are so much fun arguing and i love how they compromise at the end and work together. im reconsidering.. i might move it higher? no, fine i'll leave it here.

#7 Making Some Changes

this video was absolutely hilarious. i personally couldn't see it as the Sides still once they were acted by Thomas' friends, i enjoyed it more as that bunch being silly and trying to be the sides but failing in so many ways, while sometimes nailing stuff suddenly. i really don't take this one too seriously as an episode. except Joan!Logan and Valerie!Logan, my beloved... i love how Joan acted as Logan and their voice and that they kept their ace ring on.. there's a reason i had them as my icon for so long. and Valerie looks a bit (a lot) like me with the glasses and dressed in dark colors, plus she spoke Spanish and there's .. no words to describe the joy i felt when seeing/hearing that. wait i'm getting emotional...

#6 My Personality Q&A

when i watched this Virgil was my favorite side and i didn't care much about the rest lol. when i heard his answers i related to him SO much it was scary, and also his voice is so soft and it was all very comforting. it was also when i first starting looking at Logan with more attention, because when he brought up Big Hero 6 and Fall Out Boy and said he didn't sing and would recite it like a poem? it only took a couple seconds but my brain said "me" and never went back.

now this video is a little underwhelming to watch for me, most of the appeal for me was in finding out the answers, and also watching it when we didn't know a lot about the sides. now we know more and want to know more so it's not as fun to me as it was first.

i wish so bad they'd do another one, although i know it would be more difficult with a much bigger audience, i think they can manage and i just need it. the chaos.. the energy.. they all being so savage with each other, learning little random facts about them you didn't expect.. i need it.

- ★ -

oh boy top 5 here we go. the next three are practically a tie. i can't choose.

#5 Alone on Valentines Day

i love Valerie, and the idea of this video was perfect and so perfectly excecuted. every side just giving their crazy opinions on how to woo a random stranger, i laughed SO much. first with Logan speaking simlish out of nowhere? at that point i didn't know practically anything about the sims except that it was some video game and the whiplash of Logan going AYO and the rest killed me. then when Roman whipped out that dialogue in Spanish??? my life was completed. i've never felt more happy than i did in that moment gosh. just the hilarity of Roman's drama, the shock of them speaking Spanish suddenly like that, the absolute JOY of seeing a creator i like speak (may i say) perfect Spanish, the other characters' faces after that.. never been happier.

also the conclusion was so cute. Virgil solving the whole problem without wanting to. i loved it.

#4 Am I Original

i think this video speaks for itself. it was fun to watch them all do the ideas Roman had, plus Logan and Virgil nodding at each other, (i love them so much), plus the angst at the end of Roman's perfectionism, plus Roman's just perfect name. this video has it all.

i think Thomas posted it kind of late at night and i watched it at 7am in the classroom as i waited for my classmates to arrive and the class to start. (i usually was like 40 minutes early to school due to mom’s work). i had to contain my laughter and it wasn’t easy.

#3 Losing My Motivation

i started loving this video after a while, when Logan passed Virgil in the position for my favorite side. but once he did this episode was beautiful. it's so funny and i love Logan and Patton's dynamic so much. and the video also so damn relatable in general. i felt so seen with it because they named all the problems i have when procrastinating, down to Patton's vague explanation of his feelings, it's exactly how i feel every time i want to do stuff. and the plot twist! i can hear the dramatic sound effect and see how they all turn to Logan clearly in my head, and it always makes me smile. plus there's so much Logan angst that can be dug up and overanalized. i love to watch it over and over.

#2 Accepting Anxiety

this video was perfect. everything we wanted. we knew it was coming and it delivered perfectly, better than any fanfic done in the waiting time. the week between the parts was agonizing but in a fun way somehow. i remember precisely when i was watching part 2 in my living room. i screamed. and i cried, a lot. i was feeling terrible at that time in my life and Thomas was such a comforting presence and i can't begin to describe how this episode made me feel.

and later it is always fun to rewatch with all their different reactions to being in Virgil's room, the energy of that was on point. Thomas is such a great actor and the characters where just amazingly performed. plus it gave so much to talk adn think about, the idea of the rooms, lots lots of insight into the characters, foreshadowing, so much. it's just perfect i have nothing else to say.

#1 (for purely emotional reasons, ironically) My Negative Thinking

i think Accepting Anxiety is the best episode of the season objectively but my favorite is My Negative Thinking. because i love Virgil and Logan so much and seeing them argue together was and is great. the comfort.. i can't repeat that word enough throughout this post. it's such a soft video while not being overwhelming with Patton and Roman's outbursts. just quiet (mostly) and clear and with perfectly timed humour.

Logan my beloved.. learning spanish... helping me with my own anxiety.. and their debate was so good. and the fact that they were friends i- i can't. Virgil didn't think Logan liked him and Logan told him explicitly that he did and the casual softness of it i cant even. Logan is happy that he tried.. it's just marvelous. Virgil and Logan as best friends will always be my favorite pair, and their dynamic will always be what i strive for in any relationship i might form, with both sides silently comforting each other within their own limits and realistic perspectives. so nice.

- ★ -

so yeah. that's all. thank you if you read all the way up to here. ♡ ♡ ♡

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #logan sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders

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4deathme · 3 years

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Ok, let me start off by saying this, actually i had began writing journal starting from 1:23am and i had already wrote more than 6 paragraphs of the journal from the month of July despair. I have to write again now starting over again. What a pain in ass.

Alrighty, right now its 2:39am as i am writing these sentence.

It was July 22nd, Thursday, around 5:20pm i texted her long texts asking for forgiveness, acknowledging my mistakes. After lots of texts she finally responded to me at 6:14pm. She wrote a long text too explaining that i had hurt a lot and as she was trying to deal with her past trauma and was tryna fix herself too. She said that she need some time as she's overwhelmed by the current negative situations. She said that she had cried enough for the day. Although she said that she forgave me but also reminded me that i wasn't getting the same version of her like before.

I felt bad but i could understand because the amount of pressure i was giving to her weeks ago. Anyways, we were having good conversation after that, she was tryna lift me up by saying that i need to move on forward and then have a proper meal and sleep. She still cared about this stupid boy after all. She said that she’ll be forgiving me under one condition, and the condition was for my own benefit. I had to get better from the depressing state i was living in. She cared bout it still, yet fool like me always wanted more than anything. She texted me till 1:34am and then i got no response, she might have fallen asleep but yet i dared to call her twice.

Following the next day 23rd July Friday, I wished her in the morning and she responded at 11:23pm, our conversation was casual, she was getting ready to go out to her fam’s cafe to help her brothers out as she does every Fridays and Saturdays. After textin her ‘yello’ around 5:40ish, I just simply waited for her texts. She replied to me at 7:20pm something like that. She replied that her day was quit boring when i asked how her day went.

I reminded her that she was gonna call me tonight, which she declined by saying that she only said that she might. I was quite sad to heard that but i knew i could do nothin. If only that i night i wouldn’t have been drinking things would have gone in right direction. But as you know careless stupid drunkard never learns his lesson.

From 8-9pm we were both talkin about this and that about my current health and situation and at 9:46pm I texted her if i could ask her something, she said ok but then again i hesitated to ask her, she asked me what was it but then i just dismissed it by saying ‘it was nothing’ and her last hands on a face emoji. (The thing i wanted to ask her was, if i could get a one last chance to resolve broken love of the tales of Yuno and Yuki. I just wanted her back, i wanted to tell her so much that, never had i ever missed her voice, her laugh, her smile, her everything. It felt like i was in drugged into love.

And then it happened, around 11:38pm i started to annoy her more by texting and calling her.. little did i knew that she was actually sleeping and i was pissing her off. The thoughts of day labor at her fam’s restro didn’t seemed to occurred to me at that time, if it had came across my mind i would have thought about it lot but i just simply forgot it. She then responded furiously telling me how i could not think bout that she was sleeping. And idk why the fuck i started to babble about my feelings. Instead of apologizing and just wishin her goodnight i kept on babbling about my feelings and heart. She voice texted me too, and she sound genuinely pissed off. Yet to make things even more worse i started to talk about that my love was never fake and shit, and telling her that i was ready to meet her parents and marry her. Fuckin stupid ass drunkard me i hate myself for my own mistakes. That was the only time that i could have ever repent from my wrong doings but again no, fuckin miserable chap like me never gets his lessons.

Yah she got mad, she told me that i never understand my lessons and that i had just ruined her sleep. She told me to stop talking and let her sleep and that she was losing her mind bcus of me, yah that was the last text i received that night at 11:57pm. While me i just texted her until it was 4:56am in the morning and then finally im sorruuu text around 7am before going to sleep.

That was it after that. When i woke up in the evening and went thru my phone to check if i got any texts but then i saw that she had blocked me. It was quite like living in despair. It was not her fault at all, it was mine shit. I couldn’t fukcin handle myself. I was losing myself. I was numb. I was depressed. She was the only hope, the only light i felt while i was into the darkness and yet i fuckin blew it up in 2 single fucking night.

Wondering alone at the night in the street, reality and dreams steal my feelings and everything seems to have ended when it just begins. I'm in the abyss and she can’t see me. Should I let go and forget the past? I feel like I'm falling and the night is more darker than before. I feel so exhausted.

Current time before post : 3:49am

TO BE CONTINUED

#the future diary #yuno gasai #dawn #lonely cursed heartbroken #sad #despair #yukiteru amano

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pbandjesse · 3 years

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Today was very good but very long. I am glad I was able to sleep in the middle bit. I did sleep good last night too, so I am sure that helped my mood.

And it was just a good day. When I woke up James was still out, picking up the table from their parents and had already gotten all the market stuff in the car. So once they were back I was already dressed and I felt super cute. I was happy.

And that continued. I was excited to do printing live at the market. There was another artist there today, an older woman who made a lot of LGBT things and we had a lot in common about found objects and it was lovely talking to her.

I actually talked to a lot of vendors today. Ellen came late but her boss, Hellen, was there and it was nice meeting her. I am trying to make friends with the girl at the egg stand and so I gave her a print and she gave me eggs! So sweet. Love a barter system.

This was our best selling day. There was a lot happening at the market though. There was a regalia with the boats, there was a child maker fair, there was a vaccine clinic, and the museum was free today! So there was a lot of foot traffic and we made so many sale. It was awesome. I felt like a real artist.

The day started slow. We had stopped for breakfast and we got to use our new two person camp chair. We forgot our table cloth so we used our purple Mexican blanket. Worked just fine. I was very happy with making prints and was having a lot of fun showing people the process. I had them for sale for $10 instead of the normal $15 since they weren't packaged. But it went over really well and was fun teaching people the process. I was surprised when people didnt realize I did the drawing? Like yes its a print but I made and designed that! So I was glad I could walk them through the process.

I did run out of paper. So I went in the museum and borrowed a few sheets from there. It was a really fun time. James was such a huge help but beyond that it was just fun being together.

We had lots of silly high fives. James kept dancing? I love them, Im so glad I got to spend so much time with them today. We will spend time tomorrow too but this felt special.

After the market we packed up and headed home. We stopped for sandwiches. Had a little trouble finding a parking space because that shopping center is weird. But we got sandwiches and went home.

We got all the art stuff upstairs and had lunch and then I went to sleep.

I didnt have to be back at the museum until 430. I woke up at 3 convinced it was 7am and I had missed my alarm and was very upset for a minute before I realized it was okay. So I laid there for a half hour before I got redressed, in a slightly nicer outfit, and me and James got ready to go.

They drove me to the museum. We went in kind of a weird way again. But I was on time still. And this wedding was wild compared to last night.

250 guests! So many tables!! I was in the print shop again and set up a print of the couple's name again. It was a little confusing figuring out if it was a hyphenated name or not but in the end I just made both. And it was honestly a great night. We were all a little worried but it ended up being fine.

I didnt actually have a ton of people in my galleries. But the people who did come in were awesome. I got to talk up tours and programs but also Puhtok and the YLP program. People really loved the printing I was doing and honestly I think I have a better system for wedding now so I am pretty pleased. I did end up getting so much ink on my hands when I was cleaning up and it was annoying getting the scrubby soap and then the sink I went to didnt work and ink was just everywhere. So I had to clean that. But it was fine.

James had been at their parents doing laundry and left a little late. So I just sadly waited at the front desk. I watched videos and soon they were here and I was very happy to go home.

I was excited that the corset I ordered came. And is super nice and fits great? For $25?? What? To NSFW to post on here. But I bought it to wear over clothes so Im sure I will have it in upcoming outfits. It is pretty awesome.

I put away the dishes and had dinner. Some of the wedding food from last night. And eventually took a shower. I am excited to sleep. Because we are going to the Ren Faire tomorrow! I am very excited!!

Sleep well everyone!! Take care of yourselves!!

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noahhernandez · 4 years

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2/9/2015 v. 8/11/2020

1:Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie. My favorite movie is Scream, and it started when I saw the midnight premier of Scream 4 with my dad back when I was in 8th grade, then Scream 1 came on AMC late on night and I just really like it

I still think Scream is one of my favorites, but Halloween has jumped up there just because I am obsessed with all things horror really lol. I started to love Halloween because of the new trilogy.

2:Talk about your first kiss. It’s really not that interesting but really like embarrassing. It was with my first boyfriend and I had just turned 15 and we were at the school just walking around and we went into the band hall and I was like ok im leaving and he was like wait and we kissed and i was like o

the same !

3:Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for. I never really have had intense feelings for anyone. I d k

One my exes- I mean we were dating for awhile so that’s pretty intense to me.

4:Talk about the thing you regret most so far. I regret… Nothing really I mean, I have done really bad things in my life, but i don’t regret them

I regret failing like 2 semesters of college lmao and almost dropping out. If i didn’t then I would 1- would have been done earlier and 2- would have already completed a year of grad school but IDK also another is wasting lots of money in 2017-2018

5:Talk about the best birthday you’ve had. The best birthday I’ve had was.. Idk This year was was nice I saw Iggy Azalea in concert, then I celebrated my friends’ birthday then mine and it was just everyone got to get together so ya this year my 18th

For my 21st birthday I went to Portland, Oregon and spent the weekend there and it was pretty and my first time there so it was nice despite what I think about PDX now. I don’t even know what I was doing for my 19 and 20th birthday lol.

6:Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had. My 17th birthday because I was stuck 2 hours away from home with a bunch of nerds doing a band competition

That is still probably my worst birthday. I forget to mention that I was gone literally from like 7am to midnight. They werent a bunch of loser nerds, they were my friends, but I still wish I was just at home lol.

7:Talk about your biggest insecurity. I am skinny, but not fit. If I eat anything I get this like stomach and it makes me so sad. and ever since I got a job I work odd hours and I eat a lot of fast food and I’ve gained 10 pounds in 2 years and I guess i’m insecure about my weight

I am still insecure about my weight, and I probably weight like 5 pounds more than I did when I made this post 5 1/2 years ago.

8:Talk about the thing you are most proud of. We have band banquets for band, and I only went my sophomore and junior year, and seniors give out awards to underclassmen that are just jokes really, and both years 4 different seniors gave me an award for being the biggest gossip in the entire band and I was proud of that lol

Well since then I have graduated both high school and college. I am proud that I finished college !! A BS in Psych. Proud of myself that I got promoted (in 2017) at my job; i’m proud of myself that I have my own apartment, and blah blah basically just doing regular adult shit.

9:Talk about little things on your body that you like the most. I like my nose because of how perfectly fixed it is. I also really like my freckles/moles/dark marks idk what they are exactly, but they’re on my face and they look great

I still feel the same way about this, maybe add my eyebrows- they’re not like clean and nice they’re just expression markers on my face that i love.

10:Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had. I got into a fight with my old friend Angelica and that was almost 4 months ago and we used to be best friends and now we never talk.

When Janett didn’t talk to me all summer of 2019 because I told our other friend Angel something

11:Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had. I cant remember one 12:Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had. I can’t remember one

13:Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time. The closest thing i’ve had to like sex was being locked in a back of an SUV with a stranger drunk as fuck and naked and its embarrassing

Just awkward and nothing to which I expected.

14:Talk about a vacation. When I was 16, the high school band took a trip to Hawaii, and all my friends were in band so it was great. We did a lot of things, we toured Pearl Harbor and even played a few patriotic songs on the USS Miss. and our hotel was on Wakiki beach. I went snorkeling in some beautiful water and shit and idk just walked all around Hawaii having a great time omg we got on stage at the Hard Rock Cafe and sang with German people i miss it

Hm that was fun. But I.. went to NY with my ex and that was pretty cool because I literally love New York, and I went to NOLA two years ago (today actually) and got miserably drunk so that was fun too

15:Talk about the time you were most content in life. Probably just in the middle of junior year when everything and everyone was going with the flow

I feel like 2016 was a very content year because I remember nothing about it.

16:Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to. Idk which one to talk about the one where I had a lot of fun and risked my life or the one where there was a lot of drama stirred up and drank myself to sadness.

I haven’t really been to a party? I have gone out and had good times. Really anytime my friends and I go out I am having a good time

17:Talk about someone you want to be friends with. I am already friends with people I want to be friends with

18:Talk about something that happened in elementary school. I kissed a boy on the back of the head and i told I just fell onto his head

Let me think of another one. Back in like fourth grade my friend was in a wheel chair and his backpack was falling from the back and I was trying to grab it and i was only 3 feet tall i couldnt see over or wasnt paying attention and i crashed him right into the bookshelves at the library.

19:Talk about something that happened in middle school. A girl was mad at me because idk why lol and she pushed me in the hall way and I fucking flew across that hall on the floor and hit the wall she’s pregnant now

When I was in 5th grade (which is considered middle school in my district) I was standing on the play ground and someone threw a stick at my head and it knocked me the fuck out and I was bleeding from my temple.

20:Talk about something that happened in high school. In Jr. Year I was pulling into the parking lot but I was texting and I accidentally put half my car on grass area near the side walk luckily it was 7am and only one person saw me do it lol

One summer going into our senior year we had a party at Michelle’s house. First of all we were very drunk and Coby’s parents were like we are coming over and we cleaned TF UP so fast and sat on the couch and turned on I Know What You Did Last Summer and his parents were like interesting and and left and then we continued to drink anyways- we started playing truth or dare and my friend Angelica was like I dare u to kiss Anthony (someone I had liked prior) and he wouldnt and we started attacking him and calling him homophobic and hitting him with pillows lmao- him and I are still friend-ish

21:Talk about a time you had to turn someone down. I can’t think of something right now.

Literally anyone on grindr.

22:Talk about your worst fear. I’m afraid of having no career and being stuck doing something I hate and living paycheck to paycheck

Yeah, I’m scared of that still but I.. think just like being broke and jobless. RN with the pandemic we aren’t really working and still getting gov’t assistance, so. IDK being a real real adult scares me a lot.

23:Talk about a time someone turned you down. I can’t think of a time :)

One time in like 2016 maybe idk - this dude told me to come over and he lived far like not that far maybe 25 minutes lol far for me anyways I got to his apartment and there was a gate code and i asked him what it was and he didnt answer and it was like 2-3am and nobody was coming in or out and so i was like damn this sucks lmao

24:Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot. Nothing really has meant a lot to me. Everyone tells me the same thing over and over again and its so surface level

I still can’t think of anything but I’m sure the friends I have met since this and my friends Faith, Michelle, Peter, and Alisa have said something supportive that meant a lot to me.

25:Talk about an ex-best friend. Angelica Ramirez. She was my best friend for only 3 years, but together we went through A LOT of shit. We started out senior year just fine, but she lied about a few things and made a lot of us feel like crap in October. I won’t lie, I do miss her. We have too many memories to just forget, too many funny stories and great adventures. She helped me with too much, and sometimes I think about how I cut her out of my life and I mad a bad choice. But only time can heal things and I have moved on and truly found people that won’t make me mad every 30 seconds.

Brianna Pajak, I don’t remember anything about her except she was poor and we stopped being friends because she always wanted to fight and be annoying.

26:Talk about things you do when you’re sick. Lay on bed on my computer and watch TV

I normally just suffer and cry about wishing I was healthy again.

27:Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body. Their…!!>>>???

I must have nice hands and ur nose must be nice too! so nose and hands. lol

28:Talk about your fetishes. none

yeah I don’t have any lol not that I can think of.

29:Talk about what turns you on. Idk i really like kissing and touching and this is awkward.

30:Talk about what turns you off. bad breath by

that and ugly/rough hands, acne sorry i know it is natural but, shorter than me lol, white people, long hair on guys, and thats about it i think hm i am single yes

31:Talk about what you think death is like. I think its like idk its scary tho

um idk i dont like thinking about death because i literally want to cry when i think about it.

32:Talk about a place you remember from your childhood. I remember being in trees a lot

My step grandma’s a lot because my parents were working and she would watch us. She passed away about a month ago :(

33:Talk about what you do when you are sad. I usually only tell one person and that person is Alisa and I cry sometimes to her and expect her to make things better and she does thank u

I be doing the same thing, I text someone and that person could really be anyone but it happened the other day and I texted Bri and she was very helpful.

34:Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured. I have no idea, I’ve never broken pulled strained twisted fractures or anything i have no life

I still haven’t done any of that stuff to my body. I also have burn scars but I did not feel those when it was happening. I would just say i guess my wisdom teeth coming in because I did not get them removed. I have 3 out lol.

35:Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. Pushing potential love interests away

I have had some ‘love interests’ since this post, but it’s been about a year now since and I kind of push away the opportunity of getting close to someone. I also need to stop being a bitch sometimes.

36:Talk about your guilty pleasures. eating

I would say idk eating was a stupid answer.

37:Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. never

I was in love and i didn’t ‘think’ I was in love. I don’t know what you mean by talk about them, they were my partner but we broke up hehe.

38:Talk about songs that remind you of certain people. Fireflies by Owl City reminds me of my 7th grade crush Fancy by Iggy Azalea reminds me of my two friends Michelle and Alisa idk anything else

um Idk. i rly cant think 39:Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier. I wish I would have known that

That it’s okay to tell people you’re struggling lol . That is okay to fail sometimes (school). 40:Talk about the end of something in your life. everything is just about to start

When I ended how to get away with murder I wish I never did I love that show with all my heart.

#personal

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lostnfinding · 4 years

Text

just breathe

idk if i already posted this, but i cant find it so im doing it again.

originally posted to my ao3

tw: hospital, sickness, references to the shit H*nry did to Bessie

word count: 2654

-------------------------------------------------------

The last thing Bessie expected was the sharp but familiar pain on her chest. She hadn’t felt it on almost 500 years but there was no way she could forget it. The shortness of breath, the urge to cough and the weight on her lungs were too strong and all she knew was that she needed to find Catalina. She felt tears on her cheeks and rushed to find the first queen, sharp breaths leaving her body, still feeling like she wasn’t getting enough oxygen. She got to Aragon’s dressing room, opening the door to be met by her eyes looking at her through her reflection on the mirror.

“What happened, cariño?” she asked, seeing her panicked look and red, puffy eyes.

“It hurts, Lina… I can’t- I can’t breathe.” She managed to choke out and Catalina opened her arms, welcoming the smaller girl, who buried her head on her neck.

“It’s okay, querida, you’re okay. I’ve got you.” The woman said, stroking her hair. “How about we skip the show today and go home?” she asked.

“Hmhm” Bessie hummed in agreement, her voice weak and whimpering.

“Okay, let’s get out of these costumes and get out of here.” Aragon said and helped her with getting ready, after telling the others that they were going home and got an alternate for each. When they got in the house, Bessie changed and laid on her bed.

“Do you thing it’s it again?” she asked quietly as Catalina tucked her in.

“No, estrellita, no. You took your shot, remember? We all did. You’re okay.” She said and kissed her head. Then she started to cough. A lot. Immediately, the queen scooped her up into her lap, rocking them side to side. “Let it all out, cariño, I’m here.” For minutes, all that was heard on the house was the girl’s loud cough and Aragon’s sweet voice whispering that she was going to be okay while holding her close and caressing her back. Ten minutes passed and Bessie finally stopped coughing.

“Lina” She whimpered, her voice was weaker than before, and now raspy.

“I’m not going anywhere, estrellita, I promise.” Aragon reassured her, kissing her hairline.

“I’m scared. I don’t wanna die.” The girl said and she shook her head.

“I’m not going to let that happen, cariño, you’re going to stay with me.” Catalina sounded so sure, but inside she was terrified. What if Bessie’s body was giving up and dying, the same way it did centuries ago? No, she couldn’t think about that, not right now. So she hugged her closer, letting the girl curl up on her lap, her small and sweaty body shaking with fear and weakness as she nuzzled her chest. “Do you think you can try to get some sleep? It might make you feel better.”

“But what if I stop breathing?” Bessie asked her, her voice filled with worry.

“You won’t. But I’ll be right here.” Catalina told her. “Do you want me to sing your lullaby?” when they came back to life, Bessie had constant nightmares and the woman had discovered that the Spanish version of Twinkle, twinkle little star calmed her down and put her back to sleep. That’s where the nickname came from.

“Please…” she said and Aragon smiled softly.

“Estrellita, ¿dónde estás?/Me pregunto quién serás/En el cielo o en el mar/Un diamante de verdad/Estrellita, ¿dónde estás?/Me pregunto quién serás/Cuando el Sol se ha ido ya/Cuando nada brilla más/Tú nos muestras tu brillar/Brillas, brillas sin parar/Estrellita, ¿dónde estás?/Me pregunto quién serás” After she finished the song, Bessie was already asleep, her breathing still shaken and weak, but calmer. She couldn’t bring herself to leave the room, or put her back down on the bed, resorting to just let her sleep on her lap, leaning on the pillows. She mumbled a few other lullabies, hoping they would calm her down and make her body go back to normal. She couldn’t lose her, she wouldn’t bare it. She couldn’t protect her on their last lives, but she wouldn’t let anything happen to her again.

A few hours passed and they stayed like that. Aragon didn’t dare to fall asleep, too scared of what would happen if she did, so she waited for the others to get home so someone could watch her. When they got there, Anne and Maggie perused her into going to eat something, changing places with Maggie, who stayed on their shared room, paying close attention to her. Still, after a few minutes, Catalina came back to the room, the unsettling feeling still with her. Something was wrong with her little girl and she didn’t know what it was, but she was going to do what she could to find out.

She slept in Bessie’s room, while Maggie went to hers. Well, she spent the night in Bessie’s room. She barely got one hour of sleep, too scared that if anything happened she wouldn’t notice if she wasn’t awake. And there she was, watching her sleep, the sharp breaths cutting her heart like shards of glasses, but it was better that the agonizing seconds when she didn’t breathe. Catalina was waiting for her to wake up, so they could go to the Emergency Room that had all of their charts, so the doctors had a bit more of insight. The thing is, waking up a tired and sick teenager isn’t an easy task, and she didn’t want to disturb her, so she waited. She waited until 7am, when Bessie’s 8th coughing fit woke her up, causing the panicked girl to come to her senses, struggling even more to breathe with the sudden way of being woken.

“It’s okay, estrellita, you’re okay.” She repeated the fraise over and over again, until Blount stopped coughing. “There we go. You’re doing great, querida.”

“It hurts, Lina.” She was crying, maybe from all the coughing, maybe from pain, or maybe even from fear, most likely all three. “Make it stop, please.” She sounded desperate.

“Do you think you can get ready? I’m taking you to the doctor’s, is that okay?” Catalina told her and watched as she nodded, before helping her get up. “Do you need any help?”

“I think I can do it…” the girl said and Aragon gave her a small smile.

“I’ll be just in my room.” She told her before going down the hallway and getting in her room, sitting on the bed.

“How is she?” Anne sat beside her, getting her hand.

“I don’t- I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on. She’s scared and in pain and there’s nothing I can do about it. I just- I can’t lose her, Anne, I can’t.” she broke down, letting Boleyn hold her as she cried.

“She’s strong, and medicine today is so much better, she’s going to be okay.” She kissed her head, stroking the back of her hand. “I heard you’re taking her to the hospital. Do you want me to go with you?”

“No, it’s okay. I don’t know how long we’ll be there. I don’t think we’re going to do the show.” Aragon said and Anne nodded.

“Of course not. I’ll call and see who can go in for you.” She smiled.

“Thank you, Anne.”

“Anything you need, babe.” She said before, her hand a squeeze and kissing her cheek before going out of the room. Catalina changed quickly, getting a few things before going back to Bessie’s room, seeing her sat down on her bed.

“Hey. Do you think you can eat anything?” she asked the girl, who shook her head as a negative, staring into nothing. She got into the room, taking the backpack she was holding. “Can I take it?”

“What? Oh, yeah. Thank you.” The teen said quietly and got up, stumbling a bit.

“Careful, mi amor. Let me help you.” Aragon guided her down stairs and into the car, putting her backpack on the back seat.

“Wait, Lina? Can you get Sky on my bag?” Bessie asked quietly and Catalina gave her the stuffed elephant and went to the driver’s seat.

They got to the hospital in a few minutes, going to the children’s E.R., passing in triage relatively fast. Bessie was rushed to see a doctor, who, as soon as she saw her, did a quick exam and took her to one of the side rooms, where she ordered a bag of saline and IV nutrition, and an oxygen tank. The girl looked a bit confused with what was going on, but let a nurse put the IV line and oxygen cannula in her without any protest. Catalina sat on the chair beside her, stoking her hair.

“Are you feeling better, estrellita?” she asked her after half an hour.

“I feel like I can breathe better, but it still hurts. A lot.” Bessie answered, and as if in cue, she started coughing profusely, quietly crying out in pain as she sat up.

“Shh, it’s okay, cariño. Get it all out, I’m here.” Aragon said, rubbing her back. With each cough, her heart got tighter, and she felt like she was going to break down. It was all too familiar, the symptoms lined up and she looked so weak. Bessie’s already small and pale body looked even more fragile, the tips of her fingers and her lips were turning a purple-ish blue and the monitors that were attached to her didn’t show numbers the queen liked. When she stopped coughing, the girl whimpered in pain and curled up on herself, holding on to her stuffed animal for dear life, and she stayed like that, not moving, the wires attached to her tangling on each other, until the doctor came in.

“How are we now?” she asked with a small smile, taking the stethoscope from its place on her pocket and putting it on her ears. “Can you sit up for me, sweetheart?” she asked and Bessie slowly got up.

“She’s been having a few coughing fits every while, says she still feels a lot of pain.” Catalina told her, and she nodded.

“Take a deep breath, please.” She asked and Bessie tried, but started coughing midway through it. “Can you do it again?” that repeated a few more times. “You can lay back down if you want to.” The girl nodded and went back to her previous position, burring her head on the pillow. “Alright. Elizabeth’s situation is a bit… unconventional, to say the least, but I talked to a few doctors who had seen a ten of you before and we concluded that she most likely has a lot of scar tissue on her lungs, which makes it harder to breathe.”

“So she has scars, but inside of her?” Catalina asked, trying to see if she was understanding.

“Yes, we think she does, we still have to do a CT scan to confirm, but is probable. But the problem with this type of scar is that it obstructs the passage of air, making it harder for her to breathe.” The doctor told her and she nodded.

“But why didn’t it show up later?” Aragon looked at the small girl on the bed, her heart filled with worry.

“Well, we still need to do a few tests to see, but I think it can be because it’s progressing. Has she had other lung problems these recent years?”

“She had a few cases of bronchitis on the first couple of years we were back.” She remembered the nights she spent awake, too scared to leave the girl’s side, fearing she might stop breathing at any second; nights just like the previous.

“Alright. We’ll see how the scans and exams come out and then see how we’ll treat it.” The doctor said and left the room.

“I’m gonna die, aren’t I?” Bessie’s weak voice was filled with emotion, though it seemed like she was trying to hide it. “I don’t wanna die. I got a second chance, I just wanna be normal.” She whispered and Catalina caressed her head.

“You’re not going to die, mi amor. I promise.” She said. “And I’ll be with you, whatever happens.”

“If I die…” Bessie started, but Aragon opened her mouth to speak. “Please listen, Lina. If I die, I have a hard drive on my wardrobe. It has a few songs I wrote, I want you to listen to it. I saved a few videos too. If anything happens, I want you to keep it.” She looked up at her and Catalina kissed her forehead.

“Alright, I’ll do that.” She said and hugged the girl. “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you before, but I’m going to do everything I can now, I promise, estrellita. I love you so much, Bessie, my little girl.” She buried her head further on her chest.

“Mamá?” she tried and Catalina nodded.

“I’m here, cariño, I’m here.” She reassured her.

“I love you too. You couldn’t do anything back then, I don’t blame you.” Bessie said, and curled up further into Aragon’s chest, crying out in pain once more.

“Shh, don’t try to speak, save your breath.” She said and started mumbling to their lullaby.

They spent a while like that, until a nurse came to take the girl to CT, leaving the queen alone with her thoughts. Not being able to do anything, she texted the others, giving a small summary of what was going on. She felt so lost, not knowing what was going on or how she could help was crushing her. The minutes felt like hours and she was doing her best not to cry. Finally, Bessie came back with the nurse and scans, followed by the doctor.

“So, I saw Elizabeth’s scans, and she does have severe scaring on her lungs, and she has something called hypoxemic lung failure.” She turned to the girl. “From what you’ve told me, you’ve probably had it for a while. Basically what it means is that the scaring on your lungs obstructs the oxygen passing, causing you to feel tired and out of breath.” The doctor told them.

“But why didn’t it show symptoms before? Why did it show up so suddenly? Wouldn’t it be slow?” Aragon asked her.

“Well, that’s a good question. Have you been feeling more anxious, tired or confused? Maybe restlessness, sweating easier?” she looked at the girl.

“I- maybe? I don’t know… I thought it was just fatigue or stress, but now that you said it I’m not sure…” she answered quietly.

“Bessie! What was the agreement we made in order for you to do the show?” Catalina didn’t sound mad, she sounded worried but still firm.

“I’m sorry. I love doing it so much, and it’s going to open so many doors, I’ve already got universities that want me…” the teen started but Lina gave her a small smile and shook her head.

“I’m not mad, mija, I’m worried. But we’ll talk later, okay?” Bessie nodded and they turned back to the doctor.

“I’d like to admit you, mainly for precaution, at least a few days before we settle with your treatments.” She said.

“Alright.” Catalina’s voice was shaky, scared, but she knew it was the right thing to do. “We’ll get someone to drop off our things.” She nodded and looked at Elizabeth, caressing her forehead.

“I’ll send a nurse to take you to the room and get paperwork sorted out.” The doctor smiled and left the room, leaving the two alone.

“I’m sorry, Mamá. I didn’t know it was bad. I didn’t want to disappoint you.” Bessie curled up more to Aragon’s side, who hugged her.

“You could never do that, mija. I’m so proud of you, no matter what. What other teenager juggles school, college applications and four shows a week while getting used to the modern world and having to relearn so much?” she looked her in the eyes. “You’re going to be okay, Bessie.”

#six the musical #six fanfiction #catherine of aragon #bessie blount #catalina de aragon #theres aralyn if you squint #tw hospital #hospital tw #tw sickness #sickness tw

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sebspocketsquare · 5 years

Text

Wishing you were here... 1

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader (chatroom)

A/N: Hey guys! Here’s the first real thing I’ve worked on this year... oops! Anyway, I’ve had a lot of fun writing this, so I hope you enjoy reading it! Part 1 is mostly just a preview of what’s to come, I have other, longer chapters written and I’m thinking I’ll post once a week! Let me know what you think! (PS i did put a ‘read more’ link in here, so hopefully it works!)

Warnings: language, maybe? flirting? pet names

Masterlist

The only light illuminating your bedroom is the one that comes from your computer screen - bright, almost blinding, and making your eyes silently scream for sleep.

You’re moments from giving in, from turning away from the chat room you’d found your way into a few weeks ago, hoping that you’d find someone to take the edge off your loneliness.

Unfortunately, all you’d managed to find was creepy 60 year old men begging to see your breasts. You weren’t here for it.

A long yawn escapes you, the kind that makes you raise your arms over your head and extend your entire spine. You’re in the process of lowering your arms to exit out of the chat program, when a new IM appears on your screen.

[Sarge1917]: Hello.

You refrain from rolling your eyes, willing yourself to believe that this one won’t be a creep… but there’s a nagging thought in the back of your head, one that whispers: he’s just like the rest.

You reply anyway.

[SpaceKitten]: Hi there.

It takes a few moments before you receive a response.

[Sarge1917]: How are you?

You’re used to the first question someone asks you being “pics?” Or “dtf?” You can’t even think of one person on this god awful site that asked you how you were.

[SpaceKitten]: Honestly.. I’m exhausted. How are you?

His reply is almost instant this time.

[Sarge1917]: Oh, about the same. It’s pretty late where I am.. nearly morning, but I just can’t sleep. What’s got you up?

The fact that he has taken the time to try to have a normal conversation with you has you appalled… but also intrigued.

[SpaceKitten]: My mind won’t stop racing. I’m up all night, every night. I’d blame insomnia, but…

You hit the send button before you realize it.

[Sarge1917]: but…?

You don’t expect him to reply so quickly and you face an internal struggle: do you be honest, or do you lie?

He’s a complete stranger, so why not tell the truth?

[SpaceKitten]: Honestly, I’ve never liked sleeping alone.. Once the sun sets and night takes over I.. I’m overwhelmed with how lonely I really am. I can’t stop thinking about it.

He doesn’t respond straight away this time, and you’re afraid you might’ve scared him off. Fiddling with a random toy on your desk, you anxiously await the sound of a new IM coming through.

[Sarge1917]: We have more in common than you think. I know that feeling, exactly, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’m sorry.

You’re chewing your lip as you re-read each word, letting it soak in.

A total creep would never speak to you in such a sweet way, right?

You decide to be brave.

[SpaceKitten]: I keep telling myself that Mr. Right will come along some day and sweep me off my feet, but.. The more I think about it, the more it seems unlikely.

[Sarge1917]: Why’s that?

You sit back in your chair for a moment, letting out a long sigh as you contemplate your response. You’d been honest with him so far, so why not continue on that note?

[SpaceKitten]: Honestly?

[Sarge1917]: Honestly.

Taking in a large breath, you write out your reply.

[SpaceKitten]: Honestly.. most of the men I’ve gone on dates with, and the ones I’ve met here only want one thing from me.. and I’m not looking for just that, you know? I want something.. real, I guess? That probably sounds stupid..

His response is delayed for a few moments, but when it finally shows on your screen, you have to bite back a smile.

[Sarge1917]: Not stupid at all.

[Sarge1917]: In fact, I’d like to apologize on behalf of all of the men who have made you feel like a sex object.

[Sarge1917]: Nowadays, most men are.. for a lack of a better word, pigs. It makes all of us look bad.

[Sarge1917]: You deserve better than that. You deserve to be treated like a goddess.

[SpaceKitten]: Oh, I don’t know about a ‘goddess’, but.. I’d like to at least be treated like a person.

[Sarge1917]: Like an equal.

[SpaceKitten]: It’s like you read my mind.

[Sarge1917]: (:

You’re not sure how late you stayed up talking to your new mystery friend, mostly because you end up falling asleep at the keyboard. The only reason you wake is the sun peeking through the curtains and directly on your face.

The first thing you’re acutely aware of is that your back and neck are killing you. You’ve got drool stuck to your cheek and you’re quite sure the shape of the keys are embedded into the side of your face.

You couldn’t look worse.

The computer is still up and running, your chat app still open, along with your conversation.

You feel guilt flood your belly immediately.

While having such a pleasant conversation, you fall asleep on him? What kind of jerk does that make you?

The guilt starts to swirl and alter to another emotion as you read the last bit of your conversation over, the skin up your neck and to your cheeks burning with.. embarrassment? Desire? You weren’t sure.

[Sarge1917]: Well, kitten, it would appear you’ve fallen asleep on me. Can’t say I blame you, it’s nearly 7am here..

[Sarge1917]: I really enjoyed talking with you. And I’m glad I was able to help you find a way to sleep.

There’s a long time gap between the last message and the next.

[Sarge1917]: I was thinking.. maybe if you wanted.. we could talk again? I don’t know what it is, but.. I really would like to get to know you better.

[Sarge1917]: Would that be alright with you?

[Sarge1917]: I hope so.. Sweet dreams, kitten.

How could you possibly say no?

Night after night, week after week, you fall asleep at your desk messaging back and forth with Sarge. He’s sweet, charming and almost a little too perfect in some ways. You’d be lying if you said you hadn’t grown attached - the kind of attached when chatting with him was the highlight of your day; the kind where you’d once spent an entire hour wondering what the color of his eyes were and if he has a beard or not.

It’s the kind where you’re afraid that someday, he might disappear.

6 months later, you were still conversing every day, but that fear just seemed to grow and grow. How long would this last?

You’re in your usual spot at your computer with your usual snacks, listening to music. It’s late, your neighbors have already gone to sleep, and it almost feels like you’re the only person left awake in the entire world.

Until a new IM notification appears on your screen.

TAGS: (sorry if you dont like being tagged, its been so long since i’ve posted idk who to tag anymore lolol. @mindingmyownbusiness @plumfondler @buckybarnesappreciationsociety @loricameback @tinaferraldo @geminimoonbeamx @preserumsteverogers @moderapoppins @lowkeysebby @buckyshattergirl @jayattemptstoruletheworld @the-observant-fangirl @moondancewrites @moonbeambucky @trinityjadec @stevieang @bionic-buckyb @eyecandybarnes @propertyofpoeandbucky @promarvelfangirl @ballyhoobarnes @bucky-plums-barnes @cate-lynne @witchymarvelspacecase @imaginingbucky @theimpossibleg1rl

#bucky x reader #wishing you were here..#sometimes i write #sebspocketsquare #bucky barnes x reader #bucky fic

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fcking-lets-go · 5 years

Text

Gwilym x Reader (and Joe x Carboard! Reader) Headcannons

@borhap-socials was seeking something like this, and I was bored. Hope ya guys enjoy this XD

Warning: Swears

Sooooooo, you were hanging out with Joe and Ben at night.

Baby Gwilym was out getting interview sessions done, and going on talk shows.

He wouldn’t be done for another night, and you didn’t want to be alone.

So here your are, watching Scream for no good reason, while drinking with your best friends.

You happened to be at Joe’s house for the night, fyi.

Which means, a safe place to crash if you’re hammered (don’t drink and drive kids)

BUT, that also means a certain cut out is lying around the area.

While looking for some snacks, you found said cardboard cut out of Benny in his closet and pull the thing out.

The thing was honestly so cool, knowing that your best friend was so popular that they made a Carboard cutout of him.

“.....aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAA”

Ben and Joe bolted up to the couch and met up to you to see why you were groaning.

“What the fuck was that?!”

“....BENNY IM JEALousssss”

They lost their shit when they what you were holding.

“...girl, you’re drunk” Joe manages to say through wheezes

“But Joeyyyyy it’s not fairrrr. There’s a literal Carboard cut out of my cool best friend. Mean while, boring me doesn’t get cool stuff like thisssss”.

You had to admit having celebrities as your friends and boyfriend made you jealous of their recognition.

Where as you were just a writer that was slowly making it out in the world.

It gets hard sometimes.

The two started to notice you were getting tears eyed, so they engulfed you in a hug and proceeded to carry you to Joe’s guest room for the night.

They hated seeing you like this, and honestly saw you as their sister.

They wanted you to feel special.

That’s where Joe comes up with an idea.

He runs to the kitchen and pull out his laptop.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Ben, do you have that pic of (y/n) from the oscars”

“...yeah why?”

“Send it to me NOw”

The very confused Brit pulled out his phone and started to search the pic.

Gwil asked Ben to take it for him, since (oddly enough) gwil had no room on his phone.

It was a full body shot of you in an elegant black, sleeveless dress with a white gem gradient at the skirt.

“Joe, before i ask. How much did you drink tonight?”

“Shat up”

“...Ok now I have to ask. What the fuck are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m ordering a cardboard cut out of (y/n)”

“What?”

Surely enough, there on the screen was Joe’s order of one life size cut out of their best friend on his screen.

“What the fuck Joe?!”

“Look you saw how sad she was when she saw your cutout. And what she said....dude I think she’s jealous of the recognition we get as celebs”

“...again how drunk are you?”

“Goddammit Ben, I’m trying to be nice! Take me serious for once”

“Alright alright, damn”

“Thank you!”

.......

“...you know, if your want me to take you serious, then put it on express”

“FINE!!”

They stayed up late editing that pic.

Ben managed to find a way to get it the next day with the express, IF they physically picked it up from the store.

Knowing that you would be a bit hungover in the morning. They made a compromise that Joe would go to the store to pick it up, while Ben would stay back and hangout with you.

Easy!

Just as they were setting up for the day, Ben got a text from Gwilym.

He was finished with interviews earlier than expected and said that he was an hour away from their area.

He mentioned that he was texting you, but he was worried that you weren’t responding.

Ben not really thinking, texted Gwil that you were still at Joe’s house and told him to head there where he could pick you up.

It was probably 7am, where they checked in on you

Surely enough, the predicted hangover was evident as your body slept in.

It gave Joe a chance to sneak out, and Ben to surprise you with a nice breakfast.

(Small note, Ben had a hard time finding the pots and pans, which made him realize that Joe doesn’t cook much)

Maybe an hour or so passed, and he was finishing up washing some dishes as he cooked, but then the door bell rung.

Ben started smirking to himself, thinking it was Joe with the cutout of you and ran to the door.

“Hey Ben”

“Oh hey, Gwil you’re back”

Nope not Joe.

Gwilym was smiling, glad to be back in a familiar environment after dealing with long interviews with random strangers.

He hugged his best friend before stepping in.

“Is she still asleep?”

“Yeah. (Y/n) drank quite a bit last night. Might be hungover, but probably just tired”

“Of course hah. Wait, where’s Joe?”

“Oh um, that’s a long story, you see. Joe and I-“

“IT FUCKING CAME IN!!!! ITS IN!! ITS IN!!! BEHOLD THE BEAUTIFUL...Gwil!”

The two faced the doorway to see Joe holding a life size Carboard cut out (nice ink might I add) of (y/n) in his arms.

“You’re home early”

Before Gwilym could express the utter confusion that was being held in his mind, Ben stepped in and started to explain the whole sitatuaion.

Meanwhile Joe was on the verge of an anxiety attack seeing how bad it looked that he had a cut out of his best friend’s girlfriend.

“So Joe. You ordered a life size cutout of my girlfriend, as a way to cheer her up?”

“...yes”

“How drunk were you?”

“AYE!”

“Messing with ya”

That eased the tension in the room a little, oddly enough.

Gwil started to look at joe a bit more, making another confused face.

“....So Joe. Where’s my cutout?”

Joe made a face, “sorry what?”

“My cutout? I assume you got one for me too since she is my girlfriend”

*Joe* oh shit.

“Oh well um, haha, see the thing is Gwil I um..I just-I...I didn’t get you one”

“......”

*in Joe’s head* fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

“Fine, I’ll take yours”

“Wait what?”

“I’ll take yours and you can order another one for yourself”

“Wait what? No she’s mine”

“Sorry what?” Joe could’ve been killed right then and there.

“Wrong choice of words, what I mean is, this cutout is mine Gwil. I want this to be my little joke with her”

“But, I want to be able to have a cutout of (y/n)”

“Yeah I get it, but I paid express for her”

“You have money”

“IM SAVVY GWIL, NOT A FRIVOLOUS SPENDER”

Meanwhile, Ben’s eating breakfast with his cardboard cut out of himself.

This eventually turned into a fucking tug o war between Joe and Gwil, with a freaking cardboard cut out of (y/n).

The bickering between the two echoed thorough the walls of the house, waking you form your slumber.

You groaned at the morning light, and started to head towards the center of the house.

Wondering what the fuck is all that noise coming from.

And there it was. A sight you never thought you would see.

Your boyfriend and your best friend, fighting over you.

...a Carboard you

“GWIL I bought her!”

“But she’s my girlfriend”

“SHE”S MY BEST FRIEND BITCH”

“Don’t bitch me!”

Joe’s grip switched from the middle, to the post of your legs.

“This is MINEEEEE”

Cue a loud ripping noise as Joe Mazzello has managed to rip you away from Gwil’s hands.

But.............

The head was nearly torn off.

And hung from a small strand of Carboard as Joe was now holding, a nearly headless (Y/n).

“...morning (y/n). How are you?!” Joe said, as he tried to not subtly hide the thing behind him.

You squinted at the two of them, noting that Gwil was there, but didn’t say anything.

Next thing they knew, they saw you pull out your phone and dial in some number.

“...hey Lucy. How are you? Yeah I’m good. Are you free at the moment? No, great! Can you pick me up at Joe’s house? I think Joe and Gwilym have to resolve some issues right now”

#gwilymlee #gwilxreader #joe mazzello #cardboard ben #hc #forfun

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ff15trashgoldenslumbers · 6 years

Note

just found your blog and i spent all night going through all the posts. this is a QUALITY blog my friend! would you please have the chocobros S/O getting in an argument with them,and being unable to speak to them for a month since they left on a mission. on the last day when their supposed to be back, the S/O set up a romantic dinner as an apology, but by 3 am their still not back and they go to bed crying. Wake up the next morning being spooned to death. (its a lot i know but im a sad snowflake

There shall be no sad snowflakes on my watch! NONE!!! Only happy ones! Also guys make sure to sleep! I love sleep as much, maybe even more, than Noctis does, rest. Lol

~~~

You smiled as you sat the plates on the table for tonight’s dinner. You sweethearts favorite and it actually looked and smelled delicious, a soft hum coming from your chest. Before you darling left, you both had a horrible fight, one that left you so angry you didn’t even sleep in your shared bed the first week he was gone.

After week two you finally moved back into your bedroom and cuddles his pillow something fierce, missing him. Often spending hours draped in his clothing or wearing something of his out. You wished so bad that you would be able to text or call him to apologize but he was gone on a mission and cellphone use was rather difficult to use. So you had to wait, and give him the proper apology when he returned home.

At 6:48pm you set the plates on the table waiting for him to come home, give him a big kiss and show him the nice little dress you purchased just for him, that you hoped would be on the floor by the end of the evening.

At 9:12pm dinner sat on the table untouched, and your phone rested in your hand awaiting a text, he should have been home 3 hours ago.

At midnight, you put out the candles on the table and the wine back into the fridge. The ice in the wine bucket melt hours ago.

At 2:56am, you phone finally died, so you sat at the table in the dark, your mind racing with the horrid last conversation you had. You didn’t even tell him that you loved him when he left, or give him his goodbye kiss. Maybe this was it, you no longer had him.

At 3:03am, your dress was on the floor not in the way you wished, one of his t-shirts covering your body. You clung tightly to his pillow as you let your tears fall until you finally fell asleep.

~~~~~

Noctis

When the Prince stepped into the apartment, he had flowers at the ready. Have talked it over with Ignis, and the man suggests that the two of you sit down and talk it over. Only for the man to stop and stare at the kitchen table and seeing the two plates waiting there, neither touched and long cold.

The prince moved through the apartment, it was already 7am, you would have more than likely already gotten up to get ready for the day. Or maybe you left…

He panicked, tearing through the apartment, only to come to the bedroom, and finding you in the middle of the bed holding tightly to his pillow and wearing his t-shirt. He nearly tripped over the dress on the floor as he began to undress before crawling into bed and holding you impossibly close.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered pressing a kiss to your forehead.

You wheezed as you felt something laying directly on your chest, you hardly ever slept on your back, and this extra weight made it feel like you had a courel on your chest. You moaned weakly, opening your eyes only to be greeted by spikes of navy in your mouth and nose.

“Noct…”

You were greeted by a huff.

“Noct, sweetie.”

A nuzzle to your shoulder and a tighter hold.

“Noct let me roll over.”

You were given a small window, but in that window, you managed to roll and cuddle the man, so that he nuzzled comfortably within your chest. Your arms wrapped tightly around the man.

“I’m sorry.” You whispered pressing a kiss to his forehead, pleased to have him in your arms again.

~~~~~

Prompto

He was so sleepy, but still, he dragged in that cute little Moogle doll he found dressed as a Chocobo, Prompto seriously made Ignis do a U-turn so he could pick it up.

It was rare that either of you got into a fight, this actually being the third one the two of you had since you started dating since high school. He was so upset that he couldn’t reach out to the entire time they were gone and apologize. He honestly felt tears start to fall when he saw dinner waiting for him, and your untouched plate beside it.

He quickly rushed into the bedroom, finding you in the bed, holding tightly to one of the large stuffed animals you both owned. Pulling the plush from your arms, he replaced it quickly, fully dressed in his travel attire, littering your face with kisses as he held you close.

You huffed and snorted, pulling back as you felt the assault only to be greeted by the tear-stained face of your boyfriend. “Pompom?”

“I…i’m sorry.”

You reached up wiping his tears away, only for them to start falling from your eyes, “I’m sorry too.”

The two of you smiled weakly, as you clung tightly to each other, pressing lazy kisses to each other before falling back asleep.

~~~~~

Gladiolus

“Babe?” Gladiolus called as he entered the house at 5am, you’d normally be getting up to go jogging. “Babe?” He called again, did you already leave?

He stopped looking into the kitchen, only to find your plates on the table. You wouldn’t leave the house like this while going out. “Babe, Y/N? You here?”

As he moved through the house, the man slowly removed his clothes, he would need a shower. Moving into the bedroom to get something else to wear to bed he stopped finding you curled up on his side of the bed, laying on his pillow much how you would the man should you both share the bed.

As he moved over to the bed, he noticed the slight wheeze you’d give when your nose was stuffy and mascara running down your face.

“Babe…”

He felt so heartbroken that he let you go to bed crying for more than a month, and you made him a large meal and he didn’t even show up. You were absolute perfection and look at what he did. He went to move you into his arms, only to stop, he really, really needed that shower before he could touch you.

Five minutes! It took him five minutes to wash and dry, his hair still wet and he may not have dried all the way off, and he’d deal with a shirt later, he needs you in his arms now! As softly as possible, he managed to clean your face, and adjust you to his chest.

“I love you so much.” He whispered a kiss to the top of your head.

“Gladdy.”

He maneuvered slightly only to find you still asleep.

You huffed, snorting yourself awake, only to notice the heavy weight around your waist and squeezing. You reached out tapping at Gladiolus pecs, tapping out, only to have the arms release you as you panted softly.

“Sorry babe.”

You smiled giving him a loving pet from where you had to tap out from his aggressive cuddles, “Welcome home.”

Gladiolus hummed, dragging you up to kiss you, “So I saw that little number on the floor.”

“Yeah, guess you’ll have to take me out so that you can rip it off me, big guy.” You purred as he moved to your shoulders, exposed underneath one of his tanks.

“Tonight then, because all day, we’re not leaving this room.” He smirked as he heard you moan softly.

Apology accepted.

~~~~~

Ignis

Ignis was the last one home, he had some last minute items to handle at the Citadel. Plus he wanted to find something for you, he hadn’t gotten a chance to apologize before he left, so by the time he returned home, the sun had begun to peak above the horizon. He expected for you to be long asleep.

As he moved into the kitchen to put the food he would use to spoil you tonight, he stopped to see your body at the kitchen table, head resting on your arms, one of his old button ups on your body, two plates covered with a cloche.

“Oh, my love.” Ignis crooned as he placed down the groceries in the fridge before moving over to you. Moving your chair back, as he leaned forward pulling you into his arms, cradling you close as he pressed a kiss to your temple, making his way to the bedroom, stopping as he looked to the beautiful dress on the bed, nicely pressed and waiting to be put on.

He maneuvered you to one arm, holding you impossibly close out of fear of dropping you as well, as he picked up the dress, hanging it on the back of the door, before moving you to the bed, only for you to awaken.

“Iggy?” You muttered weakly.

“Hello, My love.” He smiled, pressing a kiss to your forehead.

“Iggy.” You cooed reaching up to hold him close, pulling him into a hug.

“Allow me just a moment to undress.”

You gave a playful whine, but released the man with a kiss, as you settled into bed. Only to be pulled into his embrace the moment he reached the bed, your eyes closing, as pressed another kiss to your forehead.

“Love you.”

“Love you too.”

#I love cuddles #but hate fights #Noctis Lucis Caelum #noctis x reader #prompto argentum #prompto x reader #gladiolus amicitia #gladiolus x reader #ignis scientia #ignis x reader #chocobros #chocobros x reader #ff15 fanfiction #ffxv fanfiction #final fantasy xv fanfiction #final fantasy 15 headcanons #ffxv headcanons #final fantasy xv head #FF15 Headcanons

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baekhyrn-archive-blog · 6 years

Text

92 truths tag

tysm bef @boopgi for tagging me :,)) ilysm 💓💖💕💗💞

rules: when you’re tagged answer 92 truths about yourself and tag someone else

last ;

drink: woter

phone call: my mom lmfao

song you listened to: baekhyun’s take you home :,)))

time you cried: lmfao 2 hours ago whoops

have you ever ___ ;

dated someone twice: uh no

been cheated on: nope

kissed someone and regretted it: ive never kissed someone kfndjdnd

lost someone special: ye :((

been depressed: i dont think so,,,

been drunk and thrown up: ive never drank before so uh,, no

in the past have you ___ ;

made a new friend: yes!!!

fallen out of love: nope

laughed until you cried: lmfao like everyday at lunch and on this hellsite

met someone that changed you: yepppp

found out who your true friends are: sadly & gladly yes

found out someone was talking about you: lmfao yep,,, ppl hate me but whatever,, their loss

general ;

how many people on tumblr do you know in real life?: 1 lmfao, but she doesnt know about this blog,,, all she knows is i have a tumblr & i spend 3/4 of my life on here

do you have any pets?: nope ;(

do you want to change your name?: sometimes bcos its kinda ugly and weird,,, but wotever im me & ig its alright

what time did you wake up this morning?: 7am for hell/school

what were you doing last night?: having emo hour

name something you cannot wait for: the day i marry baekhyun the day i finally figure out wtf im doing

have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: no??? i dont think so????

what’s getting on your nerves right now?: irl “friends” :)))))

nickname: ewu

relationship status: single pringles forever

zodiac: gemini

pronouns: she/her

favorite show: fresh off the boat!!!!!!!!!!!! its hilarious, makes me laugh all the time, & i can relate sm withit

college: im not there yet (thankfully),,, but i wanna go to upenn

hair color: black/rlly dark brown

do you have a crush on someone?: do byun baekhyun and wen junhui count

what do you like about yourself?: for being an intellctual and stanning exo, svt, nct, & bts

firsts ;

surgery: none

piercing: none lmfaooooo

sport you joined: figure skating!! still love it to this day :,)

vacation: tbh idk,,, i cant remember that back in my life

pair of sneakers: uh idk,,, probably like sketchers or something lmao

right now ;

eating: nothing,, but i did eat sushi and it was goOD

drinking: nothingggg

i’m about to: post this tag and cry again about life

listening to: svt’s without you!!!!!! (such a good song ksjdjddjjs)

want kids: not right now,,, but like in the future??

get married: to byun baekhyun again,,, not right now but in the future!!!

career: skfjsjd none rn,, but i kinda wanna be a forensic scientist in the future!!!

which is better ;

lips or eyes: eyes!

hugs or kisses: hugs,,,, i love hugs :,(

shorter or taller: taller but im like 5”2 lmfao

romantic or spontaneous: romantic!!!!!

sensitive or loud: loud!

hook up or relationship: relationship!!!!!!!

troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

have you ever ;

kissed a stranger: uh no

drank hard liquor: nope nope nope

lost contacts or glasses: i dont wear glasses or contacts djfnjddbdh

sex on a first date: uH DEFINITELY NO

broken someone’s heart: um i dont think so???

been arrested: o god no

turned someone down: uh no?? unless like for food than ye

fallen for a friend: nope

do you believe in ___ ;

yourself: every now and then

miracles: yep

love at first sight: ye kinda

heaven: nope

santa claus: uh no???

i tag @rea1love @selma-heronstairss @blushypjm @tylerandminseok @jiminnight @xtaebae and anybody who wants to do this!!! :)

#tag #elaine speaks

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another-mentalhealthblog · 3 years

Text

It all started out with a waffle.

Yesterday morning, I woke up relatively early. It was a Saturday, and I woke up before 7am. I believe this was largely because I woke up to the smell of waffles.

My dad made waffles on his waffle iron, something he now does on occasion, but something that he always used to do when I was a kid.

And that’s the thing.

As a kid, after I grew out of eating cereal, I would always eat two waffles with butter, syrup and a glass of apple juice as my breakfast in the morning before going off to school.

As a child, I didn’t think anything of this. I didn’t think about the calories, the carbs, the sugars, the fats... how “healthy” or “unhealthy” it was for me to be eating that at the beginning of every day.

It was just my breakfast, and it tasted delicious. And that’s all that mattered to me.

But somewhere along the way, the relationship that I had with food changed.

It started when I was a sophomore in high school.

I got out of my first, long relationship. Two years. And needed something else to fixate on, I guess. So I turned to my body.

I began to look at myself in the mirror and realize I hadn’t been taking care of myself, and I didn’t like the way I looked. In reality, there was nothing wrong with the way I looked.

But I told myself I had too much fat on my stomach area. And I didn’t like the way my thighs touched.

So I started working out more, eating “cleaner” and “healthier,” and overall... less.

This is when I started to look at food as “good” and “bad,” ... “healthy” and “unhealthy.”

Food went from just being food... to having all of these different labels and categories.

I even had a calendar hung up on my wall where I would circle the date in green if I had a “good” day where I worked out and ate “clean” and “healthy” all day... in yellow if I felt like I slipped up and could’ve done better... or in red if I didn’t work out and didn’t eat within my clean and healthy standards.

All of these things were aimed around one, singular goal, of changing the way my body looked on the outside, so I would feel more confident about myself.

Little did I remember, that there is so much more to being confident than how you look on the outside.

A whopping seven years ago, I also created my first health and fitness blog on Tumblr, called Believe and Achieve. Where I would reblog transformation photos, photos of girls with flat, toned, tanned stomachs, almonds, fruits, vegetables... everything related to weight loss and shrinking yourself smaller.

On February 27, 2013, I wrote a text post, entitled, “Goals.”

My goals were to exercise every day and keep eating healthy meals and snacks. To not let an unmotivated attitude take over me again and make me lose progress. Keep eating healthy and keep exercising. To make money from babysitting to consider paying for a plan to go to the gym more. To go to the gym minimum of twice a week. To not skip more than a day a week and don’t indulge when it’s “really not necessary.”

I said, “It takes three months. By the end of May and the beginning of summer I will be so happy I started now and not then. I have to get there but I have to start now."

I can go on and on and on about the things I used to write on this Tumblr. I used to be so, terribly hard on myself when it came to eating and exercising. Let us just visit two more, shall we?

Another post I wrote was... “A healthy lifestyle sucks somedays, and today is one of them. I hate how i have this huge weight of guilt on my shoulders after eating three moderately poor meals today and not having time to workout this week. I feel like such a failure. i hate feeling so damn bad for eating things that i wouldn’t have considered “unhealthy” this time last year. it’s good that my eyes are opened and I can tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy, but this guilt thing for eating things that I consider unhealthy now and not working out even though I really didn’t have any time is the worst.”

And another post I wrote was... “someone please help. I NEED to know how to not binge :( i literally can’t have sleepovers or go to parties or vacation without over eating crap food and i know that’s not awful to do every once in a while but i feel like this month i’ve been doing it way more than every once in a while, so it’s not “okay” anymore. and all it does is make me feel bad about myself: while im doing it, all night after i do it, and especially the next day, but i keep doing it. and if i binge really bad then i honestly loose my appetite and don’t want to eat the whole next day even though i know my body needs nutrients. i know im wrong, but i feel like all of this binging has wiped away all of my hard work that i started in the spring because honestly my stomach has definitely gotten bigger and i’ve lost sight of the muscle i was building. if anyone took the time to read this please send me an ask with some advice, i need it.”

And one last post: I constantly caught between wanting to eat 100% clean and healthy so that I see more results, and wanting to enjoy life and being a teenager. I know that sounds silly because if I just dedicate myself to eating clean (or at least cleaner than i do now) for a few weeks, I’ll grow into it and it’ll become a habit and i can still “enjoy life” and “be a teenager.” I also know I can make unhealthy choices in moderation here and there too. but I feel like my unhealthy choices (ex, this past week: pizza saturday night, a barbeque dinner and birthday cake sunday night, pizza tuesday night, suki hana yesterday afternoon..) are putting me in a stand still where I exercise enough, but only eat like 50-60% clean.. so its not that im not seeing any results, just enough to satisfy me. because I’m not fully dedicated, because I want to be able to eat what I want and again, enjoy being a teenager. it’s tough.

So I think we understand how poor my relationship with food was seven years ago.

And what has happened since then?

It’s been a roller coaster of ups and downs that would honestly take hours for me to get into.

But I want to fast forward into the present, and talk about my day and night last night, just to show you that change is possible.

So yesterday, I woke up to the smell of waffles. And I will honestly admit that I am still healing my relationship with food, after seven years, because of the internal dialogue that goes on in my head when I smell a food like waffles in the morning.

While this internal dialogue used to be so loud and control the decisions I was making when it came to food, it now a more of a whisper that I can tell to shut the hell up.

It goes a little something like this.

I smell the waffles. I think, “Should I go for it? Or should I eat something healthier - like oatmeal? Or eggs and toast?”

In the past, I would have eaten something “cleaner” or “healthier” to stay “on track” with my goals. Or I would have eaten the waffles and mentally ripped myself to shreds for eating something “unhealthy” and “getting off track.”

But yesterday, I realized how much I have made and am making true growth and progress when it comes to my relationship with food.

Because I reached for not one, but two waffles, without any guilt. I put butter and syrup on them. Even paired them with a cup of coffee with two spoonfuls of dairy free vanilla creamer.

I ate the waffles. Enjoyed every bite. And realized how much growth and progress I have made over the years.

Another thing about yesterday and these waffles was that I knew my family was ordering dinner from The Cheesecake Factory that night.

Normally around this time of year, my family and I spend a day in Philadelphia doing Christmas things and going out to lunch or dinner. Since we couldn’t do that this year because of COVID, we decided to bring the tradition into the safety of our home.

So instead of going out to lunch or dinner, we ordered dinner in from the Cheesecake Factory.

Another proud moment of growth for me.

Because in the past, I would’ve ordered something low calorie, no carb, clean, healthy, etc. Especially when there is a low calorie “skinnylicious” section on the menu.

But the current version of myself wanted a burger. So I ordered a classic burger, with the bun, and french fries. And thought nothing of it, except how much I have grown in my relationship with food, and how excited I was to eat it.

In the past... knowing I had appetizers, a big, fat, burger, and a piece of Linda’s chocolate fudge cake coming for me that night, I would have deprived myself of food during the day, or made sure I ate 110% clean, healthy, low carb and low calorie leading up to the big Christmas she-bang of food at night.

But yesterday... I started the day with waffles. Exercised for my mental health, in a way that felt good to me in the moment. A mix of a 20 minute leg workout, 10 minutes of cycling, 15 minutes of stretching and 5 minutes of meditation.

Had a protein shake after exercising. And did not alter my eating during the day because of what I was going to be eating that night.

Honestly, I don’t know how I got here. I don’t know how I went from being a person who would hate herself if she didn’t eat clean and healthy and workout for 7 days straight. To a person who exercises in such a healthy way, for her mental health, and doesn’t diet or feel guilt around food at all anymore.

Truthfully... I know two of the biggest things that got me here were changing the kinds of people I follow on social media. And allowing myself to break up with the scale, and my old beliefs and habits.

Because we’re humans. We’re meant to grow, change and evolve. You are supposed to and don’t have to always stay the same.

And I am proud to say that I am living, breathing proof that you can go from food guilt and restriction, to complete food freedom.

Eat the waffles. Eat the burger. Eat the fudge cake. Enjoy your freaking LIFE. And then, the next morning, you wake up and move on with your life.

This morning, I went back to my regular routine of coffee and oatmeal. Soon, I’ll have another meal or a snack, maybe exercise for 20-30 minutes, and, again... just continue on with my life.

Your life doesn’t have to revolve around weight loss, achieving a flat stomach, having abs, and always eating “clean” and “healthy” all of the time.

You are allowed to live your freaking life, eat your favorite foods, and do whatever brings you peace, happiness and joy. Especially during the holiday season.

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chickenfetus · 7 years

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HI!!! i like to request ALL of the flowery asks! btw i LOVE ur blog and maybe u????? idk 🌸🌸 (jk i love u alot)

who is this????????/ under cut bc i get rambly

azalea: what’s one word that describes you?

lame lmao

baby’s breath: what did you want to be when you were a kid?

honestly? my answer’s like yours jen because i wanted to be an astronaut but also a vet and then a few years later i wanted to be something else of a whole different profession but now i know what reality is like and i have no clue what i wanna be whoops

begonia: are you a messy or clean person?

i hate seeing my desk/workspace be messy but i cant bring myself to clean it up either???? bc im lazy

bleeding heart: has your heart ever been broken?

hMMMMm mmm idk i dont think so

bluebell: do you drink tea or coffee?

i drink tea more than i drink coffee but i drink water more than i drink tea i drink water like. everyday lmao obviously but i drink a lot of water its my brand now

buttercup: what are five things that make you apologetically happy?

what does this mean why is the word apologetically there i cancelled it lmao no negativity in this house

my favorite people (u know who + my friends)

when people answer my anon asks and . they respond with a long reply/seem really happy responding thats my fav fam

this is getting real anime but when i get an UR/4* from scouting

finding an anime/manga/book that perfectly suits my taste

im very tempted to just say water bc idk what else 2 say

calla: what’s your favorite book?

ive only read 3 whole books this year but i recommend all of them

challenger deep - neal shusterman (i could go on about this book for days honestly its so interesting and even though its told by the same person it has two kind of perspectives because there are two settings, that didnt make sense but this book is my new favorite)

see you in the cosmos - jack cheng (i love this one too because its just so warm? made me a little emo but its really good and i love how unique it is, text type wise)

a monster calls - patrick ness (this was something i heard from my school first so i didnt know if i really wanted to get it but its actually pretty good?)

carnation: what are your five most played songs?

i cant really check using the music app bc i added the songs at different timings so itll be inaccurate ill just do most played song from each band/group

again - astro (this is their best song dont @ me)

letting go - day6

all in/stuck - monsta x

death by a strawberry - dance gavin dance

check yes juliet - we the kings

chrysanthemum: what are you afraid of?

i may not b a child but im still afraid of the dark bc my imagination is wild im also afraid of bugs and disappointing others nice oh shit im also afraid of asking for things

daffodil: what’s your astrological sign?

capricorn

dahlia: what’s your favorite band?

this question was made for me its day6

daisy: which ‘friends’ character do you relate to the most?

ive never watched friends

dandelion: are you an extrovert or an introvert?

in between!!!!!

geranium: how has your day been?

its been good!!! i managed to ask my mum 2 take me to hair place so i can get it cut finally and im working on updating my tumblr pages and doing all my tags

hydrangea: what’s your dream job?

pass

iris: who’s your celebrity crush?

pass

lavender: what’s one of the best gifts you’ve ever received?

oH FUCK FAM my friends got me a kermit toy for my birthday i lvoe it 2 dEATH

lily: what’s something you’ve achieved that you’re really proud of?

i got first in my class once wow amazing that was 2 years ago i wish i was as good as the me from 2 years ago

marigold: what would you like to do more of, but don’t ?

well i want 2 b more hardworking but guess thats too late

morning glory: are you an early bird or a night owl?

now that school is over and i have no reason to wake up early ive become neither which is saddening because... i like waking up at 7am on weekends and doing things early but now i wake up at like 9-10am and i still sleep at 11pm

orchid: what’s the last movie you saw?

i really dont remember?? maybe uh guardians of the galaxy?? i dont remember who i watched it with and when but it was good actually i remember who i watched it with nvm

pansy: do you believe in love at first sight?

i dont really believe in romantic love anymore

peony: what does your url mean?

chicken fetus means an egg

periwinkle: what are you thankful for?

god get ready folks im gonna go on my biggest boxy rant ever...

so boxy is my friend who ive been mutuals for over a year and our first common interest is love live and haikyuu so we had that to talk about but im bad at keeping conversations with ppl on tumblr so that ended quickly but earlier this year or late last year i made a twitter and told people on here about it and she followed me and i didnt really mind/pay attention to the stuff she posted/rted uNTIL. until that fateful day... june 25th... at like 8pm? she rted a pic of mister brian kang with dumb minion glasses on and ok maybe i do believe in love at first sight? bc wow!!!!! whos this dumbass with minion glasses and the fluffiest hair ??? so i slide into boxy’s dm.. expecting an explanation and she gives me a good one saying how brians from a band (i would later find out), day6 and im not a fan of kpop, never have been.. ive only watched like some kpop mvs bc i love my friends so i expect myself to listen to them and get over them as soon as im done. boxy my friend, bless HER she sends me all of their mvs from congratulations to i smile and i watch the first one - i smile and me? i start smiling and i can feel myself getting excited because holy fuck theyre a band! they play fucking instruments??? and at this point im already whipped then i move onto how can i say and that shit blew my mind let me tell you.. so because of boxy... i get to where i am now, proudly stanning 3 groups and if it were not for her i wouldve never gotten into mx as well... boxy is just?? really important to me her impact is just that great?? so im super!! sUPER thankful for her and i dont think she’ll ever see this but boxy i love u thank u so much!! boxy gave me more than one reason to live, and not just exist?? without her i wouldve never been able to make so many (like 2 but hEY) new friends and this probably got so long idk im just really thankful for boxy thank u lord for blessing us with boxy (@/youngkwhom on twitter) (kittenma on tumblr) i hope shes happy forever and i also hope she has good days for the rest of her life?? boxy deserves it i lvoe u boxy

petunia: where were you ten years ago?

10 years ago i was like 6 probably watching pokemon or some shit and getting glasses

poinsettia: where would you like to be in ten years?

dead thanks

poppy: what’s your online persona?

i dont understad the meaning of persona but an egg??????

rose: who’s the last person you spent quality time with?

all my classmates in an exam hall for 2 hours, quality time indeed

snapdragon: what are your goals?

pass

sunflower: what’s your favorite quote?

i think i had one before but i forgot so maybe it wasnt my favourite lol idk i dont have one now

tulip: if you had three wishes, what would you wish for?

for all of my favourite people to be happy forever

a good future

i want astro, mx and day6 to get an award for all of their hardwork thanks

violet: what’s one thing most people don’t know about you?

i was gonna say smth negative but lets not hm m m i? ?? ill put smth irl ppl probably dont know either uh hhh i guess?? that i eat a lot?? but also get full really quickly but then really hungry right after that idk thanks digestion

zinnia: do you believe in magic?

no ????/ idk is there any evidence that magic exists

JEN !!! thank u so much for asking even tho u probably asked just to get back at me but this was still fun ask memes will never get boring bro,. i love u and i hope u have a good evening also i love ur blog too moon anon probably already told u

to anyone who actually bothered reading through this mess - thank you and i hope you have a good day/night too!!

#vampbin #asks

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