#because I know this isn’t healthy but fuck I just can’t keep losing people no matter how toxic they are
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#I really am so fucking pathetic#sitting here crying for over an hour because you didn’t talk to me today#cause that’s really all it boils down to I suppose even though it feels worse to me#and I know tomorrow I’ll go in to see my therapist and not mention any of this happening#I’ll tell him the good things that happened since last session and talk about my girlfriend and shit like that#because as far as he knows I already cut our friendship off but I can’t tell him I didn’t because I don’t want to look weak/foolish#ironic isn’t it that I’m going to therapy to get better with things like this and still don’t feel comfortable talking about these issues#the good news is that I think I wore myself out with all the tears and can probably fall asleep pretty quickly if I try#maybe I should actually end this friendship if this is what it does to me#because I know this isn’t healthy but fuck I just can’t keep losing people no matter how toxic they are#I don’t have enough friends as it is so I don’t want to lose any more#abandonment issues are kicking in heavily right now#I just feel so damn stupid and worthless right now#crying over you like any of this matters at all#I just need to get all my emotions removed so I don’t have to keep going through this kind of dumb shit#mental issues are a bitch#personal
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AITA for lying and not wanting to being a gay guy to a lgbt Halloween party—???
🎃🏳️🌈
(So I can recognize)
So by time this posted Halloween over in not looking for advice or anything and this ain’t rushed- I just wanna know if im the asshole here or not-
So for context: I live in a safe state but my area is kinda republican but not bad (worst is usually a judgmental glance). Well in the town over about half an hour away there’s an LGBT center I go to and volunteer at. Since gays love Halloween we’re having a party (non alcoholic for youth) which hopefully was super fun idk it’s in a few days from when writing this-
Now for the guy I mentioned. He’s gay and even if he wasn’t he would still be allowed to go because we welcome allies. He and I… have a history. I won’t go in detail unless people vote INFO. Short version of it is it wasn’t a healthy friendship. He would only talk to me when he needed things and would constantly talk about a straight guy he liked but when I would take about this straight (he’s bi but at time time this happened I thought he was straight) guy who was giving me mixed he would get mad. And to top it off~ he ruined my life by calling the cops over a JOKE. (It during the time when people were eating tide pods and I said something like “imma do it and drink some bleach to wash it down lmao” which again- A GEN Z JOKE). Him calling the police on me fucked me up, ruined my family life, my mom hasn’t bought bleach since (she never bought the tide pods to begin with), and I have severe trust issues. Afterwards I cut contact and didn’t talk to him for two years since we graduated.
Skip to current events.
He saw on instagram a post of me with this organization hosting events and another post about the Halloween party so he dm’s me. I’ve talked to him a handful of times since but always keep him at a distance. He asks if I can give him a ride to the event and if I’m hosting it. So here’s where I’m wondering if im the asshole. He’s a gay guy and this is the only LGBT center within 3 hours of us. As a queer person, I feel like I should welcome him and bring him there so he can have a safe space. However, as just- a person- he fucked me up so much. This center is the ONE safe place I have that’s not online. If I bring him I’ll lose that.
So I lied.
I told him that the Halloween party is a fundraiser… and that you need to pay to enter…… and that I can’t give him a ride because my car is in the shop and im getting a ride from someone who isn’t comfortable driving strangers………
Was that a dick move?? It’s been 5 years- I should be over it and move on and make amends but like ???? No ???? I’m not gonna ruin the one safe place I have ??????
What are these acronyms?
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SEPHIROTH HEADCANONS
[these are my headcanons, meaning the way I view him in my head and may not follow popular fanon]
↘︎ Sephiroth is a big enjoyer of puzzles of any kind. Mahjong, sudoku, jigsaw puzzles, riddles, you name it. He doesn’t see the allure of video games but will jump at the opportunity to play a multiplayer that has him competing against someone else.
↘︎ He’s generally a calm and intorverted person in his day-to-day life, but when angered he becomes scary as hell. For lack of better words, he shows signs of the in-game callous monster he is.
↘︎ He does have a sense of humor, okay?? It’s just what most people would describe as dark and dry. His kind of humor is saying the most off-hand comments with 0 expression and making people lose their shit. He is also proficient in sarcasm but has to be annoyed beyond measure to use it.
↘︎ He can drive, however friends and people who have previously been driven around by him refuse to do it again. He drives likes he’s playing Mario Kart while maintaining a scarily calm composure. He manages to do this while still abiding by the traffic laws.
↘︎ Sephiroth maintains a healthy diet and prefers not to stray from his strict regimen. Having said that, he will never turn down: a) Angeal’s cooking, b) pasta, c)sweets.
↘︎ Due to his sheltered childhood, Sephiroth was never allowed to indulge himself in sweets and other junkfood like the other kids. So when he’s old enough to control his own diet, he includes moments of utter gluttony where he inhales candy like a madman.
↘︎ “Sephiroth why don’t you cut your hair?” With his JENOVA cells? If he cut it shoulder-length one morning, it’d be down to his waist again by the following afternoon. After many attempts at keeping it at a reasonable size during his youth, he gave up.
↘︎ Now he simply keeps it long because he thinks it looks cool. Vanity spares no one. He also has a habit of sitting on his hair accidentally.
↘︎ He’s notoriously knows as being cold and unwelcoming toward people. However he does a complete 180° when he’s with his friends, and people have even reported seeing him act extroverted.
↘︎ Unintentionally a cocky bastard.
↘︎ Sephiroth isn’t a very creative person, which is something he laments greatly. He isn’t apt at drawing, writing or anything that could allow him to express himself artistically
↘︎ Give our boy any mathematical equation though and he can solve it
↘︎ Sephiroth takes joy in fucking with troopers and other SOLDIERs. He loves saying weird and uncharacteristic things and watch the realization that he’s joking dawn on them
↘︎ Big into astronomy and loves reading books about it. And he has a disdain for astrology and thinks it’s nothing but drivel
↘︎ He abhors gossip and thinks it immature and unprofessional. But if you feed him certain tales he’ll become angrossed and not let you leave until you’ve thoroughly recounted every detail of it.
↘︎ Claustrophobic. It may have everything to do with being given mako showers and being kept in those tight tanks for hours. He developed a certian disdain for being enclosed in tight spaces. He also can’t stand to wear multiple layers of clothing and can only handle one layer at a time.
↘︎ Yes he likes cats.
↘︎ People who say he’s humorless don’t know he once laughed so hard, he had to be sedated because he was on the floor unable to breathe. Context? Genesis angered a chocobo and it chased him for an hour. Angeal has it on video.
↘︎ Sephiroth can cook. How? Do you really think a SOLDIER trained to survive in the wilderness wouldn’t know how to hunt, prepare and cook his own food?
↘︎ That being said, he can only cook very basic things.
↘︎ He yells at the TV, but only when it’s a nature documentary and the prey is making unwise decisions while running away from the predator.
↘︎ He makes overexaggerated faces while eating something he doesn’t like, but that’s as far as he’ll go complaining about food-wise
↘︎ Sephiroth’s favorite kind of gifts are the practical and functional ones like socks, blankets and sword oil.
↘︎ Impulsively buys toys and childish knick knacks. Proceeds to keep them in a secret drawer with a lock and key. Don’t judge him. He’s making up for lost time.
#ffvii#ff7#final fantasy 7#final fantasy#sephiroth#ff7r#final fantasy vii#ffvii crisis core#sephiroth headcanons#ff7 rebirth#headcanons
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One of the things I love most about Claudia is, quite frankly, how steadily and consistently Fucked Up she is, for lack of a better term. She comes up with the switching spell (an early sign she’ll surpass her father as a dark mage) but unlike Viren, can’t understand Harrow’s reservations about it. Which makes sense, as dark magic is inherently transactional as viewpoint. This ties into her wanting to take Runaan prisoner to be dark magic parts (“Yes! [Dark magic] is clever, it’s brilliant, it’s practical!”) not realizing that in terms of viewpoints, she has a lot more in common with the elf than differences. She lights Harrow’s body on fire with dark magic (reminiscent of using Sarai’s last breath for the vengeance spell she never would’ve approved of) with the framing aligning her with Viren to boot.
She believes that Rayla could never be a good person because 1) she’s a Moonshadow elf and therefore just isn’t a person (or worth exceptionalizing as one yet) and 2) “She kidnapped you and Prince Ezran, how can she be good?” when Claudia is going to attempt to kidnap the boys the very next episode, but in her mind this is somehow salvageable, because it’s Necessary, isn’t it? It’s what her father wants.
But even her father’s dead set wishes aren’t a steady foundation, as Claudia has a habit of steamrolling over what her family wants when it’s things that might separate them from one another. She won’t let Viren let go, she won’t believe Soren about the princes when Viren offers up a solution that lets her keep her whole family together rather than having to choose her brother over her father, even if that means harming her brother. And she steamrolls because she thinks by physically fixing the problem (Viren’s death, Soren’s paralysis) the emotional issues (Viren’s trauma and panic attacks, Soren’s epiphanies) won’t continue to manifest; of course Soren mis-listened, of course Viren can go up the mountain. Never mind the consequences, never mind the pain; she fixed it. What’s the problem? (And of course, this sense of perfectionist preparation - “Gee Claudia, you’re so prepared, you’re the best” - alongside her smugness - “Wasn’t taking down a dragon one of your life goals?” isn’t sustainable or healthy for her either. We see how she panics and loses it when she isn’t prepared for a situation, and how the desperation drives her down deeper into the dark.)
Even after Callum begs for her to let them go and after attacking Ezran multiple times, upon being a prisoner in her own home Claudia mandates that “We didn’t do anything wrong” (which is a far cry from Rayla’s response to her homecoming: “But you didn’t run. They have it all wrong” “Does it matter?”). Where Soren begins to question and defect, knowing his truth, he works to get Ezran out of jail whereas Claudia is conflicted but ultimately able to justify leaving him there, and able to justify staying when Soren leaves. With two years of only Aaravos in her ear, she’s gotten even worse, even more prejudiced against elves and dragons than she was before, save for her exceptions (Terry, Aaravos). And if even Terry is calling her out on her cruelty, and admitting that she did terrible things, then you know they were probably pretty awful for an elf who doesn’t bat an eye at his girlfriend slaughtering baby animals (hi puffer bats and baby deer).
And at the same time, it’s not as though Claudia isn’t goofy and loving and compassionate. She loves ancient ruins and cuddling with dogs, she does feel some kind of way about seeing Callum again, she doesn’t just cut Terry loose when his life is put in danger and it’d be easier too - she genuinely loves him. Like I said all the way in the first few months after S2:
I’d also like to say that this does not mean Claudia will not be redeemed. She does love people, has the possibility of using magic (Dark or otherwise) for good, would do anything for her brother (although only S3 and time can tell), and could be a reformed, more compassionate, fully rounded and loving person in the future.
Redemption is not out of the cards for her, whatsoever.
It’s just going to be a very long and hard road to get there.
#tdp claudia#tdp#the dragon prince#arc 1#arc 2#multi#anyway i love her#ppl really out here like 'i sympathize with this character. therefore she can't be a villain'#i SYMPATHIZE WITH VIREN & AARAVOS TOO THEY'RE. STILL VILLAINS#thought of u sage-nebula#claudia#text post#mine
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OKAY! So!! I am one week post op from top surgery and here are the things I have learned:
• nothing prepares you for how fucking bloated you get. It is emotionally and physically devastating.
• eat protein or you’re going to start dreaming about it.
• get ready to literally not have any reading comprehension or speaking ability until you’re after the heavy pain med. and then after that as well…
• holy shit your back is gonna hurt. You can’t crack it. No twisting.
• you can’t use ice packs on your actual chest, but they’re lifesavers to sleep with- I put mine under my neck on my pillow to keep my neck from cramping.
• the pressure and tension on your chest is uncomfortable but not unbearable. Mostly it’s just annoying.
• you need pockets. Dear gods you NEED pockets.
• you do not want pants with a button. The button pants will not fit and it will make you sad. It’s just not even worth trying. Just have drawstring pants, it’s easier on the ego.
• wiping your ass is hard now. I’m sorry.
• blowing your nose hurts. Sneezing hurts. Coughing hurts. Laughing hurts. Just… avoid needing too much lung capacity all at once.
• If you have body hair prepare for your compression garments to hurt. My skin is so tender and painful all of the time. And there’s no break.
• if you keep your nipples you won’t be allowed to shower for 2 weeks. You’re going to start stinking. Have someone around you that is willing to wash your hair like how they wash babies hair. Also have rubbing alcohol so that you can neutralize your armpit stink because deodorant is off limits for your healing incisions.
• chapstick is not optional. You’re going to want it.
• same goes for a big cup with a well-sealed lid and a straw. Drink so much water.
• you’re going to feel helpless and useless. It sucks. It’s okay. Don’t push yourself.
• you’re going to want to wear pants with pockets to bed so you have somewhere to put your drains. You’ll be so tired that it doesn’t matter for the first couple days.
• you want the longest phone charger known to man. I promise. There is no such thing as too long.
• ask for the anti-nausea patch. You’re going to want it, and it lasts like 3 days. Throwing up HURTS.
• the healthier you can be before the surgery the easier your recovery is going to be. It isn’t fatphobic or stuck up or whatever else people say to lose excess weight and eat super clean before your surgery. Start moving your body every day. Start practicing going from sitting to standing and laying to standing without using your hands. Your body will reward effort to be healthy with safer surgery and easier healing.
• oh my god buy a serious laxative that you know works for you. Your body will literally forget how to shit.
• if you can, buy paper medical tape, gauze pads, and extra strength Tylenol. You will use them.
• plan to take naps. There is no weakness in a nap.
• get up and stretch your legs hourly. I promise it’s worth it. You will feel so much better.
• you’re going to want a hat or some sort of hair control.
• if the binder doesn’t fit you in the arm holes, you don’t have to let it chafe at your armpits and hurt like a mother fucker. Just cut the arm holes wider with a pair of scissors.
• have some sort of routine. You’ll fall apart otherwise.
• you’re going to be snippy and bitchy. Get ready to apologize for being an asshole. Short tempers happen, but don’t forget to say sorry.
• prepare yourself for all the random tape and other stuff to itch. You just have to grin and bear it. Things are so itchy.
That’s all I can think of right now, plus I’m sleepy. I will add to the list when I think of more ^_^
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Okay so today it’s seems like a ‘Roach thoughts have just taken over my brain’ day. So I was thinking about his relationship with Ghost... and then I thought about how he would feel after Ghost started dating Soap and hmmm I might’ve written 1k words of it lmao. So here have them! Hope you enjoy them
Jealous.
He’s not– No it’s not that he isn’t. It’s that he doesn’t want to feel like this. Jealousy was always something bitter to taste. His mother would scold him when little, saying that such ugly feelings were not to be felt, especially not towards a friend. Someone important to you.
So it’s not that Roach isn’t jealous of his friend. He is. And the fact that he is, is what hurts the most.
It anger’s him in a way, it feels disgusting and it burns, like bile. He worked so hard to get those two idiots together. Because Ghost deserved it. He deserved someone who understood him and treated him right, who took what he was and worked with that instead of waiting for change. Someone more than Roach– more than Gary.
(Because he always gave him that, he always saw Simon for who he was and never took more than was enough. So, perhaps that’s why it hurts so much.)
But he knew, learned from a young age, that people are never truly completed until they find their second half. That friends are there as place holders and should not cling like desperate children when the other finds the right one.
It’s a bittersweet little thing when he realizes that he’ll never have that and his place will always be as second, third, another option, a passing thought.
He’s never been one for self loathing (that’s a lie) but…
It hurts, worse than a bullet or a knife to the gut. It’s heartbreak and it’s worse than any other broken relationship he’s ever had. Because– because it’s his best friend leaving him.
And he feels so alone.
“Hiding in the shadow’s tends to be my thing, ya know.”
“A little selfish of you.” He looks up at the man standing in front of him, as usual covering all light with his huge fucking size, he looks him in the eyes and he looks… happy, content. Roach feels himself smiling absently, looking away and staring at the ‘Lieutenant Riley’ embroidered on his jumper.
Ghost hums, keeping his stance between Roach’s legs watching them swing idly.
“What’s up,” he asks, voice soft and comforting.
The ball that forms on Roach’s throat tastes a lot like grief. He’s going to lose all of this and he doesn’t know what to feel.
Slash his belly open and he might know how to close the wound.
Tear his heart from his chest and…
Slowly taking a deep breath, slow and controlled, steady so it looks normal and not like he’s trying to pull himself together, he lifts his hands and signs:
‘Tired.’
He sees Ghost cocking his head to the side, analyzing him. He always hated when he did that. Made him feel like a caged animal in the zoo, he mindlessly thinks about kicking him for it.
“That all?”
No– no that’s not all, that’s not even scratching the surface. Tired does not even begin to describe the sinking feeling of absolute dread that’s taking all his organs down. It does not describe how he’s stupidly grieving someone who’s alive and healthy and still pretty much there. It can’t explain how it feels like a hole has been placed in place of his heart. Cold. Empty. Alone, alone, alone-
“I’ll leave you to it, then.”
‘I’ll leave you to it, then.’
‘I’ll leave you to it, then.’
‘I’ll leave you to it–’
‘I’ll leave you–’
‘I’ll leave you.’
‘I’ll leave you.’
It’s like something snaps. Dizziness overcomes him with how fast he looks up.
And he feels himself watch– He watches– He’s watching as Ghost turns his back to him.
He’s leaving–
Maybe it’s the word ‘leave’. Perhaps the ‘I’ll’ with the ‘you’. But panic wells in his chest and he’s watching – rewatching – through a head filled with water, Simon’s back again before they march to a mission that would lead to their almost death. It’s watching Simon slowly bleed out before he can do anything. It’s watching death try to take him away. It’s watching Simon take his heart and leaving him to bleed without meaning too.
He’s watching death taking him
Himself.
He makes some type of noise, or grunt or something because Ghost is pausing and turning around– but Roach has lost control of his body the moment Simon started going away. He falls from where he was sitting, stumbles and slams against Ghost’s back, twisting the fabric between his hands
The man pauses.
And Roach tries to take a deep breath, but everything is so much and too little. He feels so empty and so– sad.
He feels so sad
He bunches the jumper in his hands– he’s going to lose his best friend–
“Ro–”
“Don’t leave me.”
And Ghost – Simon – might be dense as a god damned brick wall when it comes to his own feelings. But he’s also a caring soul at heart and observant at mind. He understands that those three small, insignificant words might as well be Roach putting his gun on Ghost’s hand and asking him to end it already. He understands.
So it’s with little to no words that he turns around again and holds Roach closer, tighter. Holds him together as he falls apart.
Agony is what the tears that drip down his chin feel like. Relief in his hiccups. Desperation in his hold.
He’s going to lose this.
He’s a mess. He feels twenty again going through his first mission and having a strong hand on his back comforting him. He feels some years after that, all the years after that, and all his fallings and stumbles. How there was always a hand there, heavy and clumsy in its comfort. But always there. Not making him talk when he couldn’t, learning and finding a way to understand him when no one would.
There.
Always there.
He’s going–
“I’m here,” a pause, a nudge at his temple, “‘m not going anywhere.”
The arms around him tighten even more it’s suffocating – he needs it tighter – it’s warm, it’s safe and it’s sleepless night’s talking about anything and it’s sneaking into medbay when you shouldn’t and it’s warm tea and–
“If not even death can take me, you really think a hot headed Scot would?”
–It 's Simon.
It’s a little all over the place but that was a mixture of doing it on purpose (emotions are hard and jumbled, no use making them look neat) and me not being the best of writers XD
#Did i almost cry writing this?#...maybe#listen#there are a lot of my own personal feeling put into this cus I'm aro and i hc Roach as aro so why not make him also stuggle#with what i stuggle#also can you see i like messing up with the formating of text?#even rereading some of it is making me emotional god damn! ok#i'm up for discussing about Roach and all that :') I love them your honor#manyrambles#cod#call of duty#cod mw2#call of duty modern warfare 2#call of duty ghost#call of duty roach#simon ghost riley#gary roach sanderson#ghoap is implied#ghoap#their friendship means the world to me#i haven't written in a while so#bear with me#also the title on docs is The worst type of heartbreak? A lost friendship
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What are their hidden feelings
PILE 1
They wish if there weren’t any obstacles between you two in the past. They solely wish to be your person atleast have some healthy relationship with you. This relationship has ended or somehow is in no-contact situation and it has happened abruptly. Something about you and this person has deep feelings for each other but they didn’t want to risk everything to make this relationship work. Probably from your side your parents/ or someone has been controlling of your life and your choices and you really wanted to run away. You were struggling to keep the healthy pace going even if it was bare minimum for people to get into relationship. This person really wanted to hug you back if you’ve ever done that before. And say all those words of affirmations & love back to you. But they knew things were going not as you guys have expected so they decided to pull back a little and give you the space and time for you to heal or manage your own situation. But it felt like this person has left you or damaged you in some way that you feel sense of hurt when you think about this person. Their hidden feelings are regret and how much they’ve have wasted the opportunities that you guys were able to have even though there were things going between you two. Now they can’t turn back time so they just watch you from afar and accept the sad fact that it is over . They really had feelings for you , they wanted to be protective and only one you would actually open up with, cry with or just be comfortable with
https://genius.com/Keshi-goes-to-waste-lyrics
God, save her
Save me from myself
We're closer
Close to no one else
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Anime : Hige wo Soru. Soshite Joshikousei wo Hirou / Episode 9 : Past
PILE 2
Their hidden feelings are all about their pure deep down feelings of how they really are without you. Maybe your relationship with this person isn’t any normal relationship that people have. You guys have different values, interest and even different way to react to each other’s words. You kinda get on each other’s nerves and fight a lot on little things without communicating throughly. But you know you guys are cool with that because that’s how life is. This person really cannot go a day without you. They are lonely and they feel like naked skeleton thrown away in the cemetery without you. Sounds exaggerating but it’s true this person wants to spend their life-time having fights about (if eggs were there first or the chicken were there first) , and they only do kid like activities with you because they know how much you love it, and they do it even if they seem uninterested in the first place. Inside they really love you, while you are asleep or when you are doing your own work this person thinks that you are theirs and admire you from afar. I feel so much tsundere vibe from them seriously, but however if you guys would get to marry i see you guys being the most fun grandparents that children would ever wish to have.
https://genius.com/Keshi-skeletons-lyrics
Give a fuck about what they say
I gotta disagree
This ain't really fun for me(maybe how you;ve guys grown up is kinda different from your family, maybe you guys feel so different from others, their view and their judgement doesn’t align with you guys in your relationship)
Feel bad, go to bed
Wake up even worse, yeah
So sad, in my head
Feelin' like a curse
I need medicine, medicine, medicine (you are their medicine xd)
Anime : Wotakoi: Love is Hard for Otaku / Episode 4 : Is mature love difficult?
PILE 3
This person’s hidden feelings are that they have been through lots of hardships in life and they really depend on you. They seem emotionally closed off and doesn’t socialize a lot with others even though they are surrounded with lots of friends and seem popular in their area. They have this downside to them where they cannot express the real emotions they feel inside and live in the moment because they keep limiting theirselves of how they act and behave. And when they see you, they have sense of freshness and free; independent energy from you. You are just so full of life, when they look at your eyes, it sparkles like moon so they cannot take their eyes of you. They actually open up to you a lot. If they were to be sad or emotionally stressed about something they’ll go to you and talk if their friend has faced those kind of things but in reality you know it’s them and you always know what to say. This person love that about you. Which you always open their eyes to the truth even if it was harsh they just cannot stop it. And maybe from what i see is that you are in a long distance relationship with this person, and this person misses you a lot, they feel like they don’t know themselves anymore the more you are in absence in their life.
https://genius.com/Keshi-like-i-need-u-lyrics
Baby, I call in the dead of night
But you don't need me like I need you
Pray that I won't be alone
Baby, I call in the dead of night
But you don't need me like I need you
Pray that I won't be alone
Anime : Ao Haru Ride / Episode 11
#pick a card#pick a pile#pac#pac reading#pac love#love tarot reading#love pac#love readings#love tarot spread#love tarot free#future spouse#future spouse reading#fs pac#fs reading#fs love reading#tarot reading#tarot readings
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do you have any more headcanons about five with his alcoholism or any other addiction? mayb with his sibling
Do I have more headcannons about Five's drinking... I don't know if I have much more than what I’ve already said and what I've got going on in my fics Lonely Drunk, Had Worse, and Rusty Cog (and Minor Convenience, I suppose)
TL:DR of those is that it all really hinges on Five using alcohol as an escape. He’s had a terrible life, he’s got all these memories and emotions from that to run from. He’s been running from facing what exactly he’s gone through, what he’s had to do and survive, for his entire life because he couldn’t afford to face any of it. If he spent too much time thinking about how his family was dead, how he was the only person alive in the world, that his wife is fake, that he could have been rescued by the Commission at any point, that he had to kill people in cold blood - he’d never make it to the next day to keep working towards getting his family back. It’s Too Much.
So when that Too Much starts creeping in, Five has two strategies: Get Busy or Drink. If there’s nothing for him to do, it defaults to Drink.
We know he knows he shouldn’t - because Delores admonishes him for it. Five is completely aware that he’s drinking too much and probably that he has a problem, but it’s also so easy to rationalize. He’s been doing this for years and he’s still fucking alive, isn’t he? He’s still getting things done, he still saved his family. He could be doing waaaay worse than just drinking a bit too much. Really, if this is his only bad coping mechanism, he’s come out ahead. He can have this and the bit of calm it gives him. You see what he’s dealing with? Anyone else would also be getting shitfaced if they were in his shoes.
This makes it very difficult to get him to stop. He’s self-medicating (which I think is a fair thing for him to have been trying to do, with the shit he was up against) without any other real option for most of his life. What else could he do? Talk to someone? Who? They’re all dead. Be creative, express himself? Exercise? Journal? How the fuck do you actually try to process and keep a healthy mind in the face of the absolute solitude of the fucking apocalypse for four decades?
And, honestly, I think it only gets worse once they’re actually home and safe because then Five has nothing going on in a world he doesn’t actually understand and he looks like a goddamn kid. That does not leave him very many options for things to do (that he can think of) that aren’t Drinking.
Enter siblings. The siblings definitely want Five to stop drinking. For all the reasons - it’s bad for him, it makes him rough to be around, he’s got a 13-year-old liver, it means he’s not facing all the everything fucking him up. They do what they can - clear out alcohol from the Academy, keep get togethers alcohol-free, try to talk to Five in the few opportunities he gives them. They’re limited, though, because he is a 58-year-old man and they have to try and give him what little autonomy he can still have as a 13-year-old. He can also teleport, which makes keeping things out of his reach nigh impossible.
Side note, as you also asked about other addictions, and I think Five’s “addiction” to the apocalypse feeds into all this. The apocalypse is almost all Five has ever known. It’s been his only goal for 45 years, it was literally his entire life for 40 of those. It is his default Get Busy - can’t be worried about everything else going on if he’s focused on the math of how to get out, get back, save his family. His drinking is at its worst in the show when he doesn’t have the apocalypse - when the eye is a dead end, when they think they’ve fixed it, when they fail stopping the Kugelblitz and he’s resigned himself to Doing Nothing. It’s all he really knows how to do. So, when he loses the apocalypse (even for good, because he’s won and it’s Over), the only thing he knows to really slide back into is alcohol, until something else can fill that void - be that more apocalypse or something with his family.
#poor guy's so fucked up#this got longer than i meant it to be#but that's about everything in one place#if you want specific Drunk Sibling interactions check out the linked fics#number five#shark's tua thoughts#tua#number 5
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␛ † ✚ for whomever you'd like!
(someone is going to be using relatively proper punctuation for this. because it makes long paragraphs easier to read.)
I want to make up for talking about Faust so much by. Talking about him a lot. Hm. Ah. Well.
So much text under the cut. So, so much text under the cut. I hope it’s alright.
ANGER:
JIANNERS:
I think Jian’s got a pretty average temperament, honestly. He’s definitely more composed around kids or in a traditional medical setting, and adding onto that because he’s a pediatrics guy he kind of has to be good with agitation because kids are a little silly (this is awesome, they should be). But I think if he gets like. Mad? I think he shouts, loses his words often, and is more than a little gesticulative (a lot of it is just to get the anger energy out, but you can’t tell me that half of the conversation telling him he couldn’t go forward with the procedure wasn’t him shouting devastated half-sentences and making wide, sweeping hand movements). I think he’s usually more frustrated than angry, though. Real nose-bridge pincher, real air-swatter, this guy.
MR. BALD:
Etc., Etc., “My feelings on Baldhead and (x) are complex” should be my catchphrase at this point. There are a lot of routes to go on this. I don’t think Baldhead gets angry at people, necessarily, mostly concepts (he can’t really get mad at people with how little he’s around them, but also he uses a neutral, if not aloof-informal tone with his presumed jailor, so even then he’s just kind of a guy). Much like Jian, he moreso gets frustrated than anything else. He’s twice as fidgety because he’s bad at “reigning himself in”, and has definitely hurt himself a little with that (probably the worst in Le Cube, since it would be hard to tell where was and wasn’t wall until you started hitting it). If he’s not miserable-angry, he’s probably trying to get the anger out of his system by throwing himself headfirst into his work! Which feeds directly back into frustration, half the time (“Why won’t you just get back up?”), until he most likely just goes to sleep (passes out, tomato tomあto) and forgets it in the morning.
X-XX:
Babygirl you have some deep seated issues within you. But really, I don’t think anger is his worst one at the moment. Though notably, he’s a lot more physical than Faust really gets at any other point in how he reacts to others chiding him. Probably the shortest-tempered “era” in actually showing his anger, but you can’t really blame him he’s got like. Chemicals to deal with (and dealing with chemicals fucking sucks). That, and I think he deserves to fuss and whine and bit at all the stuff he fusses and whines about, really!
I have a bit of a scene in my head when I think of him getting upset; of him like, throwing something at the wall and just watching it slide or clatter and having to go like “Oh. That’s me, isn’t it.” and not exactly knowing how to feel about it, just very silently cleaning up. Uncontrolled in the moment, but something that unfortunately keeps him preoccupied at night.
XRD:
What I would probably end up typing here is just a recount of his scenes with Zato and Chronus, and I don’t want to get too crazy off-track.
STRIVE:
I think as of Strive, Faust is sort of trying to let himself feel more emotions without hamming, but I also don’t think he’s the kind of guy that gets as angry as he used to in general. There’s definitely still going to be some things that cross his threshold, but letting himself just exist and in general pushing down less hard on his emotions ended up making him a lot less angry in his day to day life! Wow! It’s almost as if allowing yourself to feel and process your emotions in a healthy manner leads to a more regulated lifestyle!
That being said I do think his anger is very...firm? like the way he'll occasionally snip out "not nice!" when he's being hit. He likes to talk out things that make him upset with Chronus, as well, since Chronus is one of the most normal weirdguys alive, and they can kinda mesh in that sense.
HEALTH:
JIANNERS:
Getting this one out of the way: once someone in my inbox diagnosed him with hypotrichosis and I think they’re right. Also I think he got sick maybe once or twice a year growing up (the normal amount) and used every single minor cold or stomach bug as an opportunity to learn a little more about stuff. Very important little bits for me.
His height and build definitely did have an impact on his health growing up; he heard about it at every checkup and made it a point to try and keep himself relatively flexible his whole life, lest his bones collapse or whatever. I think his stretchy-doctor-training acted a little bit like physical therapy for him in that regard as well, though obviously as he continued to hunch in his day to day life his back is still going to give him problems.
I’ve got a little tapestry in my head where he got sick a few times while working as a field medic, insisted on pushing through it and probably passed out, though not before at least ensuring others could take care of the patients he didn’t get to. He woke up and everyone was fine, where without him they would’ve likely been mostly dead, so he just sort of kept his own health as an afterthought for the rest of his career.
If he gets a cold he’s very vocal about how he’s doing just fine, but you can always tell because he’s double-masking and shaky down to the bone. Poor sillyman.
MR. BALD:
Has definitely worked himself into a fever, stomach bug, or similar sickness before. Not even bringing into account the starving, Baldhead’s health is fucked up enough. Constantly running himself to exhaustion and sleeping outside in either the heat or the cold, always under sensory overload because the second that he stops being in it pain starts happening, and no doubt someone has tried at least decently well enough to defend themselves from him that he’s gotten knocked around a bit; maybe shot at, burnt, et cetera. I think most of the injuries that would negatively affect his health probably don’t come from an outside source, really.
I’m not gonna talk about how I think he got the piss kicked out of him at the tournament. I think you already know |”^ |...
X-XX:
He’s certainly got a lot of tournament piss-kicking injuries to recover from! I think he mostly only feels under the weather about it when he’s fatigued, though (which happens more than he’d like to admit). He also carries the Dearest Doctor Tradition of trying to work through being sick, though combined with some other factors he tends to not actually be able to do much. When he gets sick, he gets sick sick. Negative status effects stack in real life <3
XRD:
I think anytime he gets sick in the Xrd timeframe he just sounds like shit the whole day but otherwise acts the exact same, until he goes back to wherever he woke up that morning and falls down face-first back to sleep. Barely ever gets sick somehow, though, because he’s a bit of a clean freak (especially in how he presents himself to others).
Special little area for my Fauslayer thoughts. I think Slayer has taken care of him very tenderly while Faust was sick before, but one of the first instances was more X2-ish in timeframe when he was too sick to move. Since he’s barely ever too sick to move he usually doesn’t want much help from Slayer, but will begrudgingly accept a stay in a very warm house with some soup. But here’s the trick, right. Slayer learned that if he cooked the soup the second he learned Faust was ill, he could just tell him about it afterward. And, well. You can’t waste food, doctor. That would be heartless. Cruel, even. Looks like you’ll just have to get nursed back to health. Looks like you’ll just have to actually feel better in the morning in both mind and body instead of gulping antibiotics but still feeling crummy the next day.
STRIVE:
This guy takes vitamins and supplements. Still quietly gets disappointed in himself for getting sick, but will still resign to resting for the day, or at least taking his duties a little easier. Gets sick your normal, average amount, but gets those sorta fatigue spells from X-XX back. Really normal guy, all around, though.
RELIGION:
JIANNERS:
Culturally a bit of a Buddhist, but not to any committed degree. Then the Crusades hit, and everything just kinda went melting pot.
I think he has positive feelings on religion overall (it’s nice when people get together, and all the different ways that religion, healing, and love intersect are very interesting to him), but I don’t think he necessarily subscribes to any one himself. For that reason, being hailed as a Messiah figure is a bit less uncomfortable (especially after his field medic “gig”. The Holy Order is kind of Christian). He’s a melting-pot man! To some degree, at least.
MR. BALD:
This is one of those questions that gets a “WHAT?” out of him. Like when him and Testament are talking. He just doesn’t really think about that kinda stuff. I think he prays out of instinct, maybe (something he probably picked up from the Order) but the most he talks to any higher power is when begging for the pain to stop .| Talking about Baldhead is kind of unilaterally depressing sorry about that.
X-XX, XRD, and STRIVE are kind of condensable here, actually:
He’s even more of a melting-pot man. Lots of traveling, lots of self-searching, lots of culprit-searching. I think, in general, Faust is probably fond of most places of worship. Being a habitual forgiveness-seeker kind of messes with his ability to really hang with a particular religion (that and I feel he sort of falls under the atheist doctor/scientist stereotype, though not in a cruel or hateful way), but if he’s invited somewhere, by a patient or something, he’ll do his best to not be stressed out about it. Always respectful.
Notably, he’s a bit less likely to attend gatherings after Strive to me. He’s not dismissing anything, just that large crowds have always made him a bit anxious. If it’s important to a friend or a patient, he’ll tag along.
|^ | Thank you for your awesome swag question! i might also do a second run through of these prompts with a cringe guy ive been thinking about <3
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Day 99
Title: “It's Late”
Features: SiDong (Dream Catcher)
Word Count: 858
Description: Handong gets carried away during a late night conversation.
Tags: Domestic Fluff | College AU | Dialogue Focus
Handong sighs after recalling a story from her childhood memory. At this point, she is a little self-conscious about how vulnerable she’s being with Siyeon, but she won’t deny that she enjoys the elder’s company. She only hopes that Siyeon feels the same.
To ease her anxieties, she looks out the window. The pitch blackness and lack of activity tells Dongie that they’re deep into the night. Once it passes 2AM, her thoughts tend to run wild. The notion seems to extend when she’s talking to people she’s comfortable around. Although she’s still insecure with her Korean abilities, Siyeon has always been a good listener. Besides, Siyeon was the one who asked a question and the exchange student wanted to give a thorough explanation.
Wait a second. Shoot.
Is it past 2AM?
Dongie reaches for her phone on her nightstand. She checks the time.
3:39 AM.
Her jaw drops. “Oh, my god.”
Siyeon raises an eyebrow. “What’s wrong? Did you forget you had a deadline or something?”
Handong shoves the phone on her laptop camera. There’s glare, so Siyeon doesn’t quite catch what she’s supposed to see. “It’s almost 4AM! That means it's almost 5AM for you!”
The older woman checks the time. 4:40 AM. She doesn't know where 5 hours went, but tries to act nonchalant. “It seems so.” Admittedly, she’s a little tired, so she can’t think of another response. Even if it was past her bedtime, she felt energized by her girlfriend’s discussion. It’s not everyday she gets to hear Dongie talk so much.
“How are you awake right now? Don’t you normally sleep at like 10PM? I know it’s a Friday, but you told me that you sleep early!
“Geez! I’m sorry for running my mouth. I’m sorry for losing track of time! It’s just that one story led to another and I got carried away and, fuck, did you even get to eat your dinner?”
With the way Handong was acting, Siyeon felt guilty for their prolonged conversation. There were admittedly a few spots Siyeon could’ve stopped her, but something about Dongie’s elevated tone and unusually quick-paced speech convinced herself to just keep listening. Nonetheless, it’s not the problem Hadong thinks it is, so Siyeon just laughs at her girlfriend’s antics
“Goodness gracious, it’s 4:40 AM. I don’t even stay up this late. I’m so sorry.” She lets out a sound that was between a groan and a whine.
Siyeon cuts her offer with a chuckle. She wonders if Handong knows that, in her delirious state of mind, everything she says is giving her butterflies. Maybe they should go to sleep soon because the rush of emotions is working more effectively than caffeine and they really should get some rest. “Don’t be silly. You don't need to apologize. I wanted to stay up with you.”
"Okay." Dongie suddenly becomes docile again. The sudden shift makes Siyeon let out another healthy laugh. Handong’s mind isn’t that clear, but the melodious sound gives her a sense of assurance that the Korean student likes her as much as she does. Emotions are still running high, but she’ll sleep easy with that assurance in her consciousness.
Siyeon sighs before staring directly at the camera. There’s a sense of longing because she’d rather be physically with her girlfriend, but she reminds herself that the they'll be graduating soon and the distance between them will soon close. “Hey, I really had a good time tonight. I love listening to your stories.”
The comment isn’t laced with sugar, but it still makes something flutter in Dongie’s stomach. All she can do is hug one of her plushies and hide behind it. Siyeon wants to affectionately laugh again, but knows that it will only further embarrass her girlfriend.
This time, Dongie sighs, attempting to look chic. Siyeon commends her attempt, but falls in love with her smile. “Alright. Let’s not prolong this call anymore. We should go to sleep.”
Even though her girlfriend is correct, Siyeon doesn’t want to hang up. She wants to talk until sunset. If only, she could forget about laundry plans or the study session she’s supposed to have with Jiyeon.
"I miss you," she blurts out.
There's a hint of sadness in Dongie's eyes. They both try not to say such emotional statements, knowing how difficult it is to process them alone, but Siyeon can't help it.
Dongie stays strong. “Okay. I’m hanging up now.” She makes a face towards the camera.
Siyeon wants to roll her eyes, but can’t even respond to the cute expression. Exhaustion seems to hit her like a truck. “Okay then. Goodnight, Dongie.”
“Goodnight, Singie~” The smile she gives before hanging up imprints in Siyeon’s brain. "I love you." She hangs up without giving Siyeon a chance to reciprocate the affection.
Siyeon gawks at her phone screen. Those three syllables rarely pass Dongie's lips. Her girlfriend definitely said it to retaliate her words of affirmation, but they definitely leave a huge impact. She thinks about responding to her via text, but decides that she needs to ride the emotional high and rolls out of bed to clean up.
----- --
Request Guidelines | CuriousCat | Twitter
#i wanted to get back into my 15 minute writing sessions#i know its lacking a lot but i think i could remix this fic in the future#wanted to focus on dialogue#definitely could make it tooth rotting fluff but my brokenhearted self wont allow it#well see in the future though!#littlepanduh#365 challenge#siyeon#handong#dream catcher#dreamcatcher fanfic#kpop fanfiction#littlepanduh heartbroken era
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I had a gynaecologist appointment today. Even though my gonads were healthy upon biopsy last year apparently they’re looking slightly funny on an MRI again. Not enough to say ‘yep this is not good’ but enough to investigate further. We’re going to do some more imaging and some tumour marker bloodwork. What’s fucked up is there isn’t really any evidence based treatment and monitoring plan for people with CAIS that keep our gonads in because up until very recently removing them wasn’t even a question they just did it. We were lied to and had them removed. So we’re following some guidelines for monitoring that are pretty much ‘after reviewing research this is our best guess at a monitoring plan’ and my gynaecologist and me are pretty much just taking the ‘it can’t hurt for xyz imaging or bloodwork’ approach because there’s not really anything else we can do.
Im not super worried because they were healthy a year ago and also the radiologists don’t really see gonad imaging like mine at all so who knows what the baseline ‘normal’ gonads for us really is. But at the same time I’m worried because I really hope everything’s fine and it’s not cancerous or pre-cancerous and I also really don’t want to have my gonads removed. I’m scared of losing them and losing some of that part of me, and my hormones and stuff. Again this is anecdotal because there’s not a lot of research on this but others with CAIS have reported worse physical and psychological states after gonadectomy and I really hope I don’t have to remove them.
#intersex#intersex thoughts#complete androgen insensitivity syndrome#CAIS#androgen insensitivity syndrome#AIS
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gonna be some pretty intense disability ranting under the cut so either buckle up or scroll past, I had a bad fucking day and need to get some shit out
I hate that pain is subjective. I hate that I developed this shit during academic hell and therefore have completely skewed standards on what’s normal to push through. I fucking hate my first ever boss who reinforced that. I hate that I know for a fact that I have to push through a certain number of migraines anyway because I just do not have enough sick leave.
I hate that there’s absolutely no external proof of what I’m going through. I hate that everyone just has to trust me about what I’m feeling and what I’m capable of, and that they don’t. I hate that I’m not even a reliable source of what I’m feeling because my pain scale is fucking broken.
Objectively I know that any amount of pain isn’t normal, but I do not have the fucking luxury of taking a break every time I hurt. I’ve had four days of migraines in the last two weeks alone, and that’s an improvement. That’s my brain on a LOT of drugs.
I hate that society has such a broken perspective on disabilities, specifically invisible illnesses and chronic pain. I hate that a lot of my life revolves around hiding that I’m in pain. I hate how much it relies on me being able to push through pain, and I hate that I’ve had to do that so much that I will keep going until I physically collapse or feel guilty about flaking. I hate how even collapsing in pain feels like a personal failing.
I hate that the two options when I tell people are either complete lack of understanding or full blown pity. I hate that since I’ve started my accommodations process at work people keep asking me how I’m feeling. I want people to accept my disability as a fact, trust me to know my limits, and move the fuck on. I’m the same person I’ve always been.
I hate that it feels like cheating to call myself disabled. I hate that it feels like gaming the system to get any level of the accommodations I need. I hate everything ableist I’ve internalized over the years.
I hate that this year is a countdown to me losing health insurance, because I turn 26 and lose my mom’s insurance. Without health insurance... my current drugs are over $700 a month. If it came to it, my parents would pay for my drugs. I hate that though, I hate that level of reliance and dependence. I hate that so many people don’t have that option. And I hate that my career since the age of seventeen has been a fight between what I want to do and my need for insurance by the end of this year.
I hate that I’m twenty-five years old and I’ve been disabled since I was seventeen. I hate that society does not understand disabled teens and young adults, that they cannot comprehend that young people aren’t always perfectly healthy just because they’re young. I hate that this month is the anniversary of my entire life going to fucking shit.
I hate that this takes up so much of my life. I hate that I spend my weekends recovering instead of getting to do anything fun. I hate that I can’t socialize the same way as everyone else and I have to bail on things with no notice.
I hate how this makes me an inconvenience to other people. I hate that my parents have to spend so much time taking care of me even though I’m 25 and in a different state. I hate every time a schedule has to be rearranged because I call out sick.
I hate that I feel so bad about this when so many people have it worse. Oh boo hoo, my parents have to take care of me and buy me meds. I’m never going to have to worry about the same dangers other people in my situation will face, do face. It’s not fucking fair. And I know this isn’t the oppression olympics but at the same time my brain won’t accept that.
I just want to be normal. I just want to not be in pain. I just want people to understand. I just want to be independent. I just want to not be pitied. I just want to do something.
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A few things:
1) About you being surprised we’d miss you when you’re busy with school— of course we will! I know you said you won’t completely stop, it’ll just be less frequent, and that’s okay! I’m excited to hear about your school adventures! (p.s. I hope you don’t feel any pressure taking time off from here because you’re busy once school starts, especially when you have projects or exams, that’s always more important! We don’t want you stressed because of your blog and we don’t want it to become a chore to keep us updated so just focus on yourself and we’ll be excited to see you whenever you’re able to pop back in!) :3
2) As your 500 followers event draws to a close I wanted to say you filled like 3 or 4 of my requests (holy smokes!!) and they were all PERFECT (especially my Louisa one, I have that saved to my blog AND screenshotted in my camera roll so I never lose it, I’m gonna treasure it forever hnnnfgg <3<3 And I’m glad you had a good time working with everyone’s prompts! I can’t wait for the next milestone event, it was so fun!! (I bet 1,000 isn’t that far away! ^_^)
3) Big big exciting news I want to share ,, your writing has inspired me to finally start posting my own works on a public account and it’s such an amazing feeling 🥺 I was so nervous that people wouldn’t read or like anything I wrote but all my feedback has been so positive and I’m just so excited I can’t believe it!! It feels amazing!! I never thought I’d be able to do it but your writing made me want to share my thoughts/ideas with the world too and I’m so glad I did!! 🥺🥺 So even though it was kind of indirect/you were helping me unknowingly I still want to thank you!!
Okay that’s all I hope you’re having a good day!
Oh, that is so wonderfully reassuring!! I’m definitely going to try my best to get a good balance. Because this blog isn’t a burden for me! I genuinely love what I do and I love interacting with you folks. But I definitely worry about disappointing folks and that’s another thing I totally need to work on regulating because it’s really not healthy for me to keep stressing about that? But I cannot WAIT to have like more general life updates going on!!
Thank you so much, first of all, for participating!! I’m so delighted that you’ve enjoyed the whole thing!! I’m genuinely so proud of what I’ve been able to do here. Just know that there’s a looooot more requests coming that I will be working on getting out until school starts back up for me!! And I stg…so many of these prompts are so fucking good. Really getting the brain juices flowing. 😌
OH. MY. GOD. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU?? UGH, I am so flattered knowing that I’ve had any part in helping another writer push themselves out there a little more. You are so fucking strong and cool and brave and gOD I love that for you!!!! I wish you all the absolute best for you on this journey. Because it’s absolutely wild. It’s so wild but so fulfilling and I hope you get to experience even more of those lovely feelings as you continue on!! Congratulations, and once again, I am so proud.
Thank you so much for reaching out. I love you, anon. 🥹💖✨💕✨💘✨💓✨💝
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drk 30-50 + mild stormblood spoilers under the cut!
copy/pasting my liveblog meta from my archived blog
koharu literally ties her self worth to her honor for a very, very large portion of msq. like, we’re talking all the way up to the end of 4.3, which is when she does all of drk 30-70 in one go. when you first encounter fray, he tells you that dark knights don’t care about that and if you want to be a dark knight, you can’t either. in a roundabout way, it can be looked at as fray telling her to stop fucking doing that, that’s not healthy.
AND THEN THIS. she held onto the belief for so, so, so long that if she had just stayed in doma that she could have done something, that maybe her family would still be alive and this dialogue, right off of finally, finally freeing doma, especially after the tsuyu arc, just… is so, so, so important. it’s essentially fray telling her it’s not your fault and you need to stop trying to martyr yourself to make amends for something that’s not your fault. and that’s something she needs to hear. even if she doesn’t consciously realize it, her subconscious does and it desperately wants her to listen.
of course you’re questioning her commitment. she’s afraid. healing is hard and terrifying and you’re ripping out her biggest insecurities and putting them on display for her, but she still keeps coming back to you because somehow, for some reason, you know that, she knows you know that, and something about that puts her at ease. something about someone telling her outright to actually value herself and not what she can offer is something she needs, and wants, to hear, even if it’s hard.
and god, just the thought of the way fray speaks to the other npcs during the questline. i think it’s generally accepted that fray doesn’t actually make a physical appearance in front of other people outside of the first quest (as a corpse) and the level 50 quest in whitebrim, so this is fray speaking like that through koharu. it’s koharu speaking like that. it’s so far removed from how she actually is -- stiffly formal to the point that it actually sounds kind of awkward -- that it wouldn’t surprise me if someone thought she was having a fucking mental break, which, like… isn’t too far from the truth, i guess.
AND LIKE… THIS KIND OF RESPONSE FROM THE NPCS? HER LITERALLY LOSING TIME/NOT BEING AWARE OF THINGS SHE’S DOING?? SHE’D BE CONFUSED AS FUCK, TOO. what do you mean me? that was fray, i literally just stood here while he went off, why are you looking at me like that? and that would only scare her more.
and we see how afraid she is in fray literally begging her to please just fucking stop, you have to stop, this is going to kill you one day, please please please. but, haha, she sure fucking doesn’t stop, does she? even if she forgives herself for doma, she’s the warrior of light, she can’t just walk away from that.
OR CAN SHE? FRAY LITERALLY OFFERS HER A CHANCE TO RUN AWAY AGAIN. LITERALLY KOHARU HERSELF CONSIDERING RUNNING AWAY AGAIN. HER BIGGEST REGRET WAS RUNNING FROM DOMA AND SHE’S FACE TO FACE WITH THIS CHOICE AGAIN.
if you’re familiar with my fray playlist at all, you know that it’s in chronological order and that this song specifically corresponds to this specific dialogue exchange.
AND SHE ALMOST DOES IT. she almost takes fray’s offer to give up and leave, to say to hell with it, to hell with them all and just go. doma is free and an ascian is traipsing around in zenos’s body and she’s tired, so, so tired, and she just wants to stop and fray wants her to stop.
but she doesn’t. during the course of this questline she has faced that regret and come to terms with it and accepted that, even if she regrets leaving she couldn’t have done anything, but instead of repeating what she considers her biggest mistake she decides no, not again, this time i’m not running and faces both fray and herself head on.
30-50 is generally considered the warrior of light is tired of being used by everyone as a human weapon questline, and that’s not entirely untrue for koharu but for her there’s more to it. for her, she allows (and even encourages) herself to be used in that way because she hates that she didn’t do all she could to save her home and family so 30-50 is more about her forcing herself to come to terms with what happened to doma and her choices both before and after to stop herself from working herself to death to try and make amends (to her king, to her country, to the dead, to herself) for that. it’s not just i’m tired of being a weapon, it’s stop trying to martyr yourself, too.
not that she listens to that part. looking at you shadowbringers.
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Stephen/Christine is just. not. a healthy relationship. The movies and shows express this quite often. (and its fine to be into it. not saying don’t like them. but pls understand what the stories are telling you)
in any of the universes we’ve seen. they’re not healthy for each other with each other.
But even when they are relatively okay and starting a relationship in the “What If...?”, Stephen’s so fucked about love and his love for her and not knowing how to cope with losing her and his need to CONTROL EVERYTHING that when he does lose her....
he fucking tries to rewrite the laws of the universe and fucking goes down a super dark path that ends with his universe’s collapse. He killed his entire universe because at this point in his life he is unhealthy about his love for her.
It’s obsession. It’s control.
Even his own self says “This isn’t love.” in the What If...?
Just as Christine points out to him in MoM, and his story shows in DS1, he’s so set in his fear of failing, his fear of love, his fear of being loved and his need to keep it all under tight control... his control... that he can’t even let himself be in a healthy relationship with her. At least not a relationship that they would both find fulfillment in. She’s right. He’s not healthy about his love for her. And I do think he loves her, deeply.
But it is not healthy. For either of them. And multiple Christine’s realize this. And MCU!Christine has had 5 years to grow and find love with somebody else. Stephen hasn’t been given that time. and He’s still obsessive and controlling about his relationship with Christine in MoM. and he’s called out on it. and that’s his growth in the movie.
He learns that he does need to let go. That love is not about what he was trying to make it. That love is truly letting somebody else in. That he needs to surrender some manner of control. As Christine tells him, he needs to “face his fears.”
and I love the angsty doomed love of Stephen/Christine. That they are two people drawn to each other but just never meant to fit together, despite how much they want to.
I also think the movies and the What If...? made it abundantly clear that this WAS a doomed romantic relationship. and that they are not healthy people for each other.
#dumb magician#mcu!strange#i wish this was more coherent i've been wanting to write about them for a bit#and I do like Stephen/Christine well enough#but they were written from the start to be a failed relationship#to be growth for each other#her for him moreso but that's the sad fate of women in MCU
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Don’t report this, please, just block. I need a place where I can let out my problems and this is the only platform I can use because no one on here knows me, I don’t have any friends from my life on here. Also, I’d like to say this isn’t me seeking attention or empty compliments from strangers. This talks about eating habits, very briefly mentions ‘sex’ — but it is not described, nor discussed — and is overall just really fucking sad. Read with discretion. Art below is not mine.
I can’t express the deep hatred I truly feel for myself. I hate the way I look, the way I act, the way I’m perceived, the way I talk, the way I laugh. I hate everything about myself far too much to be considered healthy.
Ever since I was little I’ve been body-shamed, I grew up a bigger girl — that’s not to say my unhealthy eating habits didn’t contribute to my weight too. I think I drowned myself in food because I was overweight, or maybe it was because I had no boundaries, or maybe I was punishing myself because my dad had left when I was a baby. Maybe if I’d had the daddy every young girl needed I’d have grown up mentally secure — even if he was a horrible, lazy cheater. He would’ve been good to me, I like to think.
The body shaming got to be too much, one summer — just before I was going to go into year nine — I decided I needed to lose weight. I hated the way I looked more than anything, but losing weight didn’t help either. Now, rather than only wanting to stuff my face with everything in sight — I want to stuff my face and then hurt myself after eating too much of the wrong stuff.
I hate when there’s chocolate in the house, because I’ll always sneak some into my room to eat some — maybe even have two or three chocolates a day. But then, other times, I won’t eat anything, or I’ll only eat very little at lunch for some days — trying to conserve as many calories as possible.
Eating in restaurants makes me feel physically ill. I wish they hadn’t passed that stupid fucking law which meant calories were shown next to the food on the menus — but I also love that they have. It makes me feel so conscious about choosing what to eat — and then I’ll chose the lowest thing on the menu, it’s usually a lasagne.
I’ve lost loads of weight apparently — I really don’t see a change, in all honesty. My stomach is still there, whether I’ve lost weight or not, it’s not flat. I’m so fucking worried it will never be flat. I just want to be perfect — and it’s not for everyone else it is actually for me, so I feel secure in myself because I really fucking don’t. I don’t know if I ever will — and that really scares me.
I don’t understand why I act the way I do — I am constantly changing my personality or the way I act to please people. I constantly over-sexualise myself, always talking about sex, masturbation, fanfiction — everything dirty and taboo, I will talk about it in front of you even if I’ve known you for a few weeks or so. It’s fucking disgusting and I hate that I have a compulsive need to act that way but I just think that if I can make someone laugh, embarrass myself to get them to like me it’s fucking worth it. I want people to want me so badly, I will make filthy jokes with the boy who said he’d kill me in ‘kiss, marry, kill’ — where I was the joke option, of course — because as long as he keeps talking to me, or thinks of me as a back-up option if all else fails for him, it’s worth it all.
Besides that disgusting shit and being loud and annoying when I feel a need to, I’m actually a really quiet person. People who aren’t in my classes for subjects where I’m with my friends wouldn’t know that. I actually get so terrified talking to people, but my best friend is a fucking angel who everyone adores because she talks to everyone and is so nice to everyone. I am nice to everyone too — as long as they show me basic fucking respect, I’m not a pushover the way she is, and because of that I’m the mean friend.
People (my friends) are always making fun of the way I talk, the way I laugh, I don’t think my voice or laugh is weird — well, I didn’t until the idea was forced into my mind. I refuse to send voice notes because the idea of something cringing as they hear my voice or laughing at me speak — even if I can’t see their reaction — scares me massively.
I want to be loved, desperately. No one wants to love me. I have so much love to give, I don’t understand why no one wants it.
#rant post#mini rant#sorry for the rant#sad thoughts#sadgirl#mental health#actually mentally ill#mentally fucked#mentally unstable#mentally tired#dont report just block#i'm sad#tw disordered eating#disordered eating thoughts#beauty standards#daddy issues#art from pinterest#artwork#art#painting#sad art
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