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iwillstealyourjawbone · 4 months

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My fic for the MCYTblr Holiday Exchange! For @hydrobugz, beta'd by the wonderful @blocky-tides

Grian Dreamslayer, Ex-Watcher and Evo Admin, was bored. His executive function had decided that he didn’t need to be productive in the time he had set aside for working. No, instead his useless brain thought that what he really needed was to lie on some chests and let his thoughts run, because that always turned out great.

He considered going to bother X, but didn’t want to get up from his (uncomfortable but simultaneously the only place he could be without becoming even more restless and despondent) sprawl across one of his several chest monsters.

He was just dozing off when he was QUITE RUDELY awoken by one ImpulseSV yelling in his ear.

“Grian Grian Grian Grian Grian wake up! Wake up!”

Halfheartedly swatting him away, he rolled over to try to see what was going on, but forgot that he had sprawled on the edge of his chest monster, and fell flat on his face. Onto Impulse’s boots. 0 stars, would not recommend. The laces hurt your face. Grian should make laceless boots, they’d be better to fall on.

“Gri? You gonna move, bud?”

Oh yeah. Impulse.

“No, I live here now.”

Problem solved. Grian wins. At life. Yeah.

“Grian, I will call Gem. You don’t want to get Gem angry, right? Remember what happened to Etho. You need to build the back of Dwayne. It’s an eyesore, and Scar just built a castle, you can build half a base,” Impulse said, presumably staring down at him with a stern look on his face.

“Nooooooooooo :(“ Grian whined, pouting. Rolling closer to Impulse so that he laid curled around Impulse’s legs.

“How did you make that sound with your face. Grian. Grian how,” Impulse said, a look of utter horror written across his features.

“Don’t worry about it!” Grian said, grinning in a way that stretched his void-black eyes just so to strike fear into even a mines-hardened dwarf like Impulse.

“Grian,” He half-pleaded, half-sighed, a weary look on his face, the look of a man who has seen the Horrors (Grian, sleep deprived).

“:)”

Suffice to say, Grian didn’t have to finish the back of his base, and instead chugged a Slowness potion right after a Weakness to send himself into the closest thing he had to the sweet release of death on a respawn server, sleep. Doing that in the middle of the day had the unfortunate side effect of making him wake up at 3 AM and go for a night walk, terrifying Cub, who just wanted some water.

“Hey Xisuma!” Grian said, sock-sliding into the room where the poor overworked admin was sitting at his desk doing smart-people work.

“What now, Grian,” Xisuma sighed, already anticipating Grian’s antics, spinning around in his gamer chair. (He denied it’s true nature, but Grian and Pearl had gotten it for him in the first place, it was supposed to help with posture, and the description that the seller had given it was ‘Posture Correcting Chair for Gamers’, so there Xisuma)

“Your desk is very messy for someone who works on code, notably not on paper,” Grian said, fully off-topic from what he originally came in to do.

“Why are you of all people here, Grian? Normally you avoid me at all costs until you’ve finished the back of your base, which you haven’t done. So what is your plan here, Gri?” Xisuma said, tenting his fingers like one of those old-timey movie villains.

“You look like that old guy, what's-his-face … DR EVIL! That's it. You look like Dr Evil. You know, from the movies?” Grian clapped his hands in a satisfied manner at having figured that out. “Anyways, I was wondering for no particular reason if you knew how to sew or weave anything, just for funsies.” Grian tried to look innocent, but Xisuma had seen him in the midst of prank wars several times too often to be fooled, and had to clean up his messes far too many times.

“Grian, go build your base. I can tell from experience when you are hiding something or trying to get out of doing something, and right now, I see both. Stop procrastinating.” Xisuma said sternly, turning back to his Very Important Server Business and leaving Grian to find his way out of his base.

“Fine, I’ll just ask Pearl, I didn’t need you anyways, Ixay-Soomay-Vhoyad. Harrumph.” Grian muttered, standing there for a few moments waiting for Xisuma to change his mind. When Xisuma didn’t, Grian turned around, striding out of the base, arms crossed and nose scrunched up angrily.

Grian shot off a rocket to propel himself over Decked Out 2, taking a moment to admire just how much effort had gone and was still going into it. He waved to Tango, who was working on the exterior of the base, doing a loop-de-loop in the air as the blazeborne smiled up at him, then continued on his journey to the lands of Soup, also known as Gem, Impulse, and Pearl’s bases.

A few minutes later, he alighted atop the great alien fungus that one PearlescentMoon called home, and (after sneezing a few times, alien pollen apparently still triggers allergies) began trying to get his friend to snap out of her building focus.

“PEARL HELP!”

That should do the trick.

Sure enough, a second later he spotted her take off from her workplace on some rocks, and fly towards him.

“Grian, what? What’s happening? Why did you yell? Are you okay?” She said, landing next to him with her sword out, scanning the area for any danger.

“I didn’t want to walk around looking for you, your base is too big!” He said, bouncing over and bumping his head against her shoulder affectionately.

“Grina, you scared me, jeez. You are such a nugget.” She chided, putting her sword away and slumping.

“Sorry… anyways, do you know where I can acquire a bolt of fabric large enough to cover an area the size of the back of a base, for reasons of shenanigans?” Grian asked.

“Oooo, what shenanigans? I want in!” Pearl replied, excited with the prospect of a reprieve from her work.

Grian hesitated. Pearl was one of the most dedicated builders on the server, and he knew from personal experience that she was more than capable of knocking some sense into him if she thought he needed it.

Pearl gave him a knowing look, “You’re procrastinating.”

It wasn’t a question.

“My base,” Grian sighed. The cat was out of the bag, he might as well go all in.

“Gri, I’m not going to lecture you, because I know you know what I’m going to say, and when Xisuma gets on your tail about it you’re going to hear the unabridged version whether you like it or not. Now, all that said, what were you planning on doing with those large amounts of fabric?”

“I was going to fashion it up into a cape to cover the back of my base and call it finished,” Grian said, slightly sheepish but knowing that Pearl would find the idea hilarious.

Sure enough, Pearl bonked her head against his and let out a laugh, “Gri! Oh, that’s amazing.”

He was about to ask if she would help him even still when she grabbed his arm and started dragging him over to her giant mushroom house.

“C’mon Grian! We’re having SOUP!”

[JoeHills] hey grian, are you available to help me get wood? behind cleo’s base

[Grian] sure! omw

Grian rocketed through the Nether tunnels, beautifully built by Tango and his helpers, and one of the best ways to get around. As he came up on Cleo’s portal, he sent a quick message to Joe.

[Grian] @ cleo’s portal

[Grian] almost there

Shaking off the vertigo that always accompanied going though Nether Portals, he emerged into the daylight, only to be met with a stern looking XisumaVoid and one JoeHills standing behind him, looking slightly ashamed.

“Sorry, Grian! He made me do it.” Joe said, running back to his base.

“Grian,” Xisuma stated. “You can’t put it off forever, the season’s almost over. You and I both know it will haunt you forever if you don’t finish before we leave.”

He was right, however much Grian didn’t want to admit it.

“I know, but ‘Suma-”

“No ‘buts’, Grian!”

Hehe. Butts.

“Fine, I’ll go try and get some work done, but you know how it is. No guarantees, never guarantees.” He said, all the defiance seeping out of him and leaving a quiet tiredness behind.

“That’s all I can ask for, Grian.”

“Do you have chocolate to give me in exchange?” Grian asked, not expecting anything to come of it but still wanting to try.

“I have chocolate!” Cleo said from around the corner, having apparently been there the whole time.

“Give please,” Grian said, making grabby hands towards her, moving on quickly from her eavesdropping and leaving the bad vibes behind, he didn’t need that in his life.

The chocolate was very good, it was the fancy dark chocolate that melted on your tongue and that Grian would kill and die for.

“Cleo, we’ve talked about this! Listening to other people’s conversations is not okay.” Xisuma said, not over the negativity. He needed some crystals, Grian had heard somewhere that citrine might be good for calming? He wasn’t sure. It helped with something!

“Chocolate?” Cleo asked, ignoring Xisuma, he wasn’t the boss of her. Snapping off a piece, she handed it to the admin.

“Are you trying to bribe me?” Xisuma asked incredulously.

“Is it working?”

In the commotion of an increasingly weary Xisuma trying to impart some life lessons onto Cleo, Grian managed to slip away and headed back to his base to ‘work on his base’ (aka go find Jellie for some stress relief).

Grian rolled over in his bed, groaning as the sunlight hit his eyes. He usually had the curtains closed, that’s weird.

“Grian! Wake up!” Gem exclaimed.

Why was Gem here?

“All the Hermits are here! We’re going to help you build your base!”

Okay then.

Wait. What? His base?

“Pearl, X, and Joe helped arrange it! It’s our Hermits Helping Hermits project this week.”

That makes sense.

Gem ran outside, and Grian followed somewhat bemusedly and still tired from being abruptly woken up. As he stepped out onto his scaffolding, he stopped dead in his tracks.

All the Hermits were there. Gem wasn’t kidding. Cub and Cleo seemed to be competing over who could place trapdoors the fastest, while Joe fueled both the argument from the sidelines working in a crafting table where he was rapidly filling double chests with materials.

To their right, Impulse, Etho, and Tango were laughing while Bdubs squawked indignantly, most likely the (lighthearted) butt of a joke.

Directly beneath them were Mumbo and Scar, who seemed to have gotten distracted, with Mumbo looking over Scar’s prosthetic supports for his back and legs while Scar waved his hands as he did when he was off on a tangent. Even from a distance, Grian could hear the words ‘Stormtroopers’ and ‘rides’, so he could make an educated guess that he was talking about Scar’s recurring hyperfixation, Disneyland.

The other Hermits were scattered around, all laughing and chatting and working on parts of the base.

He was snapped back to the present by Xisuma and Pearl landing right in front of him and Gem. Pearl beaming and Xisuma’s body language conveying happiness too, albeit a little more reserved.

“Pearl, ‘Suma, this is amazing! I- You- Why-. I have no words.”

Not knowing how to articulate the unabashed joy he felt at all his friends coming together to help him, he surged forward and enveloped them both in a hug.

He stayed there, trying to regain his composure, for longer than he would like to admit, but eventually he pulled away.

“C’mon, nobody’s working on the roofs yet!”

#hermitcraft #grian #holiday exchange #my first fic :D #happy holidays yall #have some fluff

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eclipsednodes · 4 years

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SHADOW WORK SIMPLIFIED

What is shadow work?

If I had to describe shadow work in one word, it would be introspection. Introspection is the examination of your own mental state and is necessary in order to learn more about your fundamental nature. Although it may sound off-putting and even scary at first, shadow work is a necessary component in the process of healing. We all have aspects of ourselves that we’ve rejected and hidden away out of fear. Through shadow work, we’re able to reflect on our thoughts, emotions, and habits so that we can find the root cause of our suffering and heal ourselves. By reincorporating those aspects of ourselves that we’ve denied, we feel more fulfilled and can begin to love ourselves fully.

Where does shadow work come from?

The concept of the shadow self comes from Carl Jung who believed that our shadow self is the subconscious aspect, or “dark side”, of our personality that our conscious ego doesn’t identify with. However, I would like to clarify that “dark” does not imply or equate with bad. That which resides outside of our consciousness can be either good or bad, but aren’t inherently reflective of our value or “goodness” as a person.

Although these repressed aspects of ourselves can manifest negatively, it isn’t because those parts of us are “bad”, but that the process of repression is inherently painful and toxic. This is reflected by Jung when he states, "Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” He believed that until we’ve merged our conscious and subconscious selves, that our conscious would be “the slave of the autonomous shadow”. This is due to the shadow self overwhelming our conscious selves by falling victim to our own self-imposed traps.

Through assimilating this shadow self, not over-identifying with it, Jung believed we go through the process of enantiodromia, thereby integrating the subconscious by reincorporating our shadow selves into our personality and allowing us to solidify ourselves through wholeness. He best described this by stating "assimilation of the shadow gives a man body, so to speak.” However, don’t fall into the misconception that shadow work is a short-term practice. Shadow work is a continuous practice and integration of the shadow self is a will take place throughout your life.

How do I do shadow work?

In the last question, I identified that practicing self-reflection is a key component of shadow work, but what does that mean? What am I supposed to be reflecting on? Well, the first thing that you should focus on is being present throughout the day. Identify feelings that come up throughout the day and observe them objectively. What situation or interaction triggered these emotions? How did I react to those emotions? Were my emotions controlling me or was I in control of my emotions? Why did this situation or interaction cause me to feel this way? How did I cope with those feelings (self-harming, lashing out at others, communicating my feelings, journalling, etc.)? Did I punish myself for getting upset? If so, why?

There are numerous ways to reflect on your feelings and experiences in order to get a better understanding of yourself. Through evaluating how you react to situations, which situations upset you, and how you managed those feelings, you’re able to build the foundation to understanding your emotions and bridge the gap between your subconscious and conscious mind.

Once you’ve done this, you’ll find that the emotions you feel in the present are reflective of unhealed emotions from your past. Perhaps the reason you feel that you’re unable to set boundaries as an adult is because as a child, your parents never respected your boundaries by going through your phone or diary, yelling at you when you said no to a request, forcing you into situations that made you feel you had no choice.

By identifying the root cause of your emotional pain, you’re able to address it in the present and heal from the trauma. The simplest way that I’ve found to address them is through journalling. You can purchase a physical journal or even use your notes app, either way, you’re writing out your feelings and reflections to gain deeper insight. It’s important to remember that this looks different for anyone and that the best way to approach shadow work is by doing what feels most natural! You can choose to stick to self-reflective journal prompts, vent about whatever is upsetting you, write letters to whoever has hurt you, etc. Ultimately, you can guide yourself based off of what you feel you need and where you are in your journey.

What parts of yourself do you find yourself rejecting the most? Many of us have experienced the pain of rejection in some aspects of our lives and sometimes, it’s incredibly painful and leaves us with long-lasting wounds. We end up going through our lives carrying baggage that we don’t even know we have! Many times, I’ve found myself wondering why I felt so repulsed by aspects of myself and why I felt so strongly that they needed to be locked away forever. I couldn’t allow myself or others to see my truest self, my whole self, out of fear. I was scared of being rejected, shamed, humiliated by the people around me. I was scared of hurting other people by being myself and of being hurt by others. That’s no way to live, is it? When we tell ourselves that aspects of ourselves aren’t good enough, we end up going through life devaluing ourself. We’ve broken our own trust by rejecting ourselves, we’ve told ourselves that we aren’t good enough or worthy of love. In shadow work, you’re called to go inward and unpack everything that we’ve kept hidden for years and sometimes even decades.

Bring the parts of yourself that you’ve repressed to the surface and nourish them with love, allow yourself to see that ALL OF YOU is deserving of love and support. For you, that could mean unlearning your unhealthy beliefs about food or eating, allowing yourself to be emotional around the people you love (despite how much you were told that you were too emotional, a crybaby, too sensitive in the past), allowing yourself to relax without feeling guilty about not being productive because you recognize your needs (even though you feel your sense of worth is tied to being productive at the cost of your own health).

Common misconceptions about shadow work?

Shadow work is evil or bad, the shadow is evil or bad

The purpose of shadow work is healing through working with your subconscious to release repressed aspects of yourself and heal from painful, traumatic experiences. Your shadow side is simply your unconscious and to believe that it’s bad is to believe that you are bad. It’s merely the part of yourself that you aren’t aware of consciously and shouldn’t be feared.

Certain emotions are “bad”

When you let go of the idea that emotions are either good or bad, you’ll allow yourself to just be and stop putting so much pressure on yourself to feel “good” all of the time. Happiness isn’t a constant state of being so stop expecting to be all of the time, we have a range of emotions for a reason so stop being ashamed of them. Your feelings are natural and if you feel like they’re out of control and something to be ashamed of, there is nothing wrong with that! It’s okay to feel like your emotions are controlling you because that isn’t permanent. Your feelings aren’t permanent and are completely manageable with proper guidance! The reason you feel like your emotions are controlling you is because you probably don’t have the knowledge to cope with them in an effective and healthy way. It’s helpful to sit with your emotions alone and look at them objectively without placing any judgement on them, this will help you calm down and assess your feelings. From there, you can identify what you need to relax and recover as well as acknowledge to yourself that your feelings are natural. When you stop categorizing your emotions as bad, they’re no longer shameful to experience and therefore you can see with better clarity how to cope with them and move on.

I’ve already released it so…

Why am I still upset?

Why does it still keep popping up in my head?

Why haven’t I moved on?

Why am I not making progress?

With the rise of self development and spirituality, I find that more and more people are rushing to complete their healing. Healing is a continuous, life-long cycle and not a destination. Putting the pressure on yourself to reach the place of ultimate healing is not only toxic, but it impedes your ability to actually heal anything. Healing is about love, compassion, and patience and it’s not going to happen according to a timeline. Allow yourself the time to experience your emotions, see them objectively, forgive yourself and others and move on without the pressure of expectations.

Another reason that you could be experiencing this is that despite the work you think you’ve done, it hasn’t been sufficient. I’ve found that a lot of journal prompts provided online are surface level at best and can be more pacifying than revealing. If you’re not feeling anything while doing your inner work, you’re not doing it correctly. Ultimately, this is about uncovering what makes us UNCOMFORTABLE and moving through those feelings. When you allow yourself to experience the sadness, hurt, anger, and/or frustration than you’re telling yourself that these feelings are okay and don’t need to be suppressed. The reality is that no matter what you’re feeling, you are allowed to experience those emotions and it’s only human! Unfortunately, many people associate lower vibrational emotions as bad, but this is a huge misconception! Telling yourself that anger, sadness, etc. are “bad” implies that you shouldn’t experience these emotions and that you have to get rid of them which is not only wrong, but unhealthy. There is no right or wrong emotions so don’t buy into the belief that you should feel a certain way, simply allow yourself to be and you’ll find that it’s much easier to navigate your emotions and needs. The only way to make it to the other side is by wading through the water, be patient and know that you’re feeling exactly what you should be. When you stop censoring yourself, you’ll discover a newfound sense of freedom and wholeness.

If you find yourself circling back to certain topics, for example, your ex-boyfriend than perhaps there are triggers in your environment that remind you of the situation, you have more that needs to be addressed that you may not have been ready for or aware of previously (hence why shadow work is a practice that is ongoing), or they’re representative of a deeper issue that you’re repressing. Whatever the cause is, the same methods as earlier will apply and can be discerned through your own intuition.

What are some basic journal prompts that I can do?

What feelings come up when you think of ____?

How did that experience make you feel emotionally? How did it make you feel about yourself? How did it make you feel about the other person or people?

Write a letter to yourself, your inner child, the people who’ve hurt you, and the people you’ve hurt. Express how you feel honestly, without holding back and then forgive yourself and the other person.

If you could say anything to yourself or another person for closure, what would it be?

How have these situations and experiences impacted your mental health? How have they affected your belief system about yourself, other people, and the world?

What about yourself are you ashamed of? What about yourself are you embarrassed of? What about yourself makes you angry? What do you regret? Why do you feel this way about yourself and where do these feelings stem from?

What makes you feel most alone? What makes you feel most loved? How can you incorporate that knowledge into your life to make it better?

What’s the most hurtful thing someone has said or done to you? Why did it hurt you so much? How does it still affect you now? How can you heal from it and allow yourself to move on?

What do you need to forgive yourself for? What do you need to forgive others for?

Where do you feel you lack security in your life? Why? How does this impact your life and your relationships?

This is a list of generic prompts for you to start with, but feel free to message me if you need help with more specific topics or I can make another post altogether for journal prompts.

#shadow work #spirituality #witchblr #carl jung #witchcraft #energy work #healing #shadow self

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tarajenkins · 4 years

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Please no more Square, I am at my (character) limit lmao

"The Light will not be denied!"

I really do still wonder how anyone who played through ShB could reach the conclusion that a child with no Blessing Of Light ever stood a chance against the will of a Lightwarden. And not just any child--a child the Ascians intended to use as a doorstop to prevent the First from being destroyed before the Rejoining could happen, a child whose own trusted parental figure was willing to gaslight and manipulate them for the sake of their own power. A child whose behavior would absolutely need to fit a certain mold to achieve their ends.

The Light corruption of a Sin Eater is confirmed by Halric's arc to be a lot like Tempering. Repeatedly Tempering someone, like Loonh Gah's mother in the Amalj'aa questchain, destroys their sanity. Emet-Selch's own dialogue up there confirms that the Warden essences in the WoL would not only drive them to madness, but violence. Vauthry had the essence of a Lightwarden forced into him before he was even born, and he had no higher power to protect him.

Selch puts it plainly: the corruption of a Lightwarden is absolute in time, even for the WoL. I have yet to hear a good reason why Vauthry’s corruption would have been the sole exception to this rule. The “half Sin Eater” bit is brought up sometimes, but that is just buying into the lies his father told. Vauthry was already an entirely Hume infant. He was never “half” anything. He was already complete. He was corrupted. Tempered, according to Halric’s arc--blaming him for not fighting it is like blaming Thancred for the Waking Sands. It’s not a thing anyone can fight.

There’s also Yoshi-P asking players to ask themselves if Vauthry was really a friend of the Sin Eaters, or was he being controlled by someone.

(On a side note, I could have sworn it was stated the Ascians can't handle Light well, or at all? How did Emet-Selch even do that in the first place? Bad Writing(tm) \o/)

Silence Is Golden:

In a world where everyone rightfully fears Sin Eaters, a world where Eulmorans had fought them and died to them for decades, where those corrupted by fallen Sin Eaters have to be put to death before turning themselves--how would the mayor of Eulmore even explain his son's "gift"? Explain his son having a second, Sin Eater face in his chest? Explain that he allowed his child to be corrupted by a rando in a cloak, with no input from his wife? How did he keep her silent? Besides Square not bothering to give her dialogue, of course.

(Also, there was at least one other Minifilia in Vauthry's lifetime. The Minis all fought for Eulmore, as per Moren's book. How did they miss the Lightwarden now residing in Mr. Mayor's child? Did Hydaelyn know?)

It's such poor writing on Square's part to have left the disturbing Echo of how Emet-Selch “made” Vauthry as a footnote, and even moreso to have Wrenden claim in the hilariously contradictory patch 5.1 that Vauthry's father was the "good old days" of Eulmore. A man that would agree to let that be done to his own wife and child, a man who vocalized such disregard for his own peoples' lives, that was the good old days, really? The mayor who had "unrest" and detractors "stirring up the citizenry"? THAT mayor?

This is how far the writers were willing to go to dehumanize a fat man who had absolutely no consent or control in his “destiny”. And, speaking of dehumanizing--

--Square couldn't be arsed to treat Vauthry's mother like a character and not a convenient and silent womb, so we have no idea what happened to her. (My money is still on the Obscenity theory.) But since Vauthry only mentioned "Father", it sounds like the mayor raised him alone.

What did Former Mayor do when his son had challenging questions about his father’s plans for him, or when the child balked at the answers given? How did he explain whatever happened to his wife? Just how much did "Father" have to manipulate that child's world to maintain the lies?

It’s strongly implied Former Mayor kept his son in a state of isolation where neither his word nor the Ascians' will could be questioned until the child was thoroughly brainwashed to believe, and there would be no questions then. Whether intended by Square or not, Vauthry does display many signs of an adult who suffered extreme isolation as a child.

An entire childhood, with his likely only trusted source of knowledge and solace being someone who was grooming him for a power grab--and all the while, he can’t escape the presence of a creature inside him that drives mortals mad.

One of “Father’s” directives stands out in particular between the lines during ShB, though we don’t know how it came about originally:

Don’t tell anyone what you really are.

Even though Vauthry was given a good reason “why he was born as man and sin eater both", it still leaves the impression he was born because Sin Eaters are bad, and Vauthry needed to stop them from doing bad things--plus hush, don’t tell, people would find his existence bad if they knew the truth of it. Kids ask questions. Kids wonder. Feeling like an outsider hurts, let alone an outsider made of the same stuff that everyone fears. If Sin Eaters are monsters, then what was he?

The fact Vauthry asked his father why was he born that way in the first place indicates the child instinctively felt there was something wrong.

The in-game dialogues appear to back this up. Although Vauthry's "heritage" was supposed to be this amazing thing, the true nature of it was instead lied about and kept hidden his entire life. Seems unusual for a guy supposedly convinced that he is “perfection”, doesn’t it? The fact that Eulmorans never once referred to Vauthry as "half Sin Eater" or a "God" during twenty years of his rule, the fact he only mentioned it himself before the Warden was about to claim him entirely; all well and good his father obviously invented some lie to placate the masses (“born with miraculous and convenient power” was all it took), but how did maintaining that lie, hiding who he really was, read to Vauthry all those years?

During ShB, he still seemed to keep to the isolation he likely always knew. He never left that room. The citizens came to him when they wanted something, but it was never implied or shown he sought social contact on his own. Nothing was scaled to him, utensils, glasses, plates, etc.--as though he refused to single himself out as different from everyone else.

He called the Lightwarden’s awakening a “trial” to be embraced during Crown Of The Immaculate. Odd that someone supposedly convinced of his godhood would ever think he needed testing--but it makes perfect sense in the context of someone who always felt they needed to prove that they were worthwhile.

He was proud of his power to protect his people, and proud of the paradise he built for them, but he didn’t want Alphinaud to paint a picture of him, he wanted a painting of the city. There were zero paintings or other monuments to himself in Eulmore. Lot of people in the fanbase speak of him being vain, yet he seemed to not want to be seen unless he had to be--almost as though, even toward the end, even through all the bluster, he still read being “half Sin Eater” as wrong.

With that in mind, there didn’t seem to be much evidence to even tell Vauthry he was born because he was wanted. He was born because his ability was needed. If not for his father’s ambition, however sweetly that may have been disguised, then to defend Eulmore against the monsters he was a part of. His ability was needed, not even him specifically--and the Eulmorans, with all their wishes and dreams to be fulfilled, could easily enforce the belief on the child that who he was didn’t matter, what he may want did not matter, only what he could do for others mattered. And what he did for them wouldn’t matter if they knew the truth of him. What a terrible, conditional ”love”. It could explain why he was so cynical about human nature. (Even though his predictions about human nature in the face of a dying world 110% came to pass in the Black Rose timeline. 6_9 gg G’raha)

Yet despite all this, Vauthry needed to be convinced he was doing good for the shattered world. He needed to be convinced what he was doing was right, despite having power enough to not care. If Amaurot was Utopia, then Eulmore reminded me very much of Ursula K. LeGuin’s Omelas--a paradise, at the cost of one child’s eternal suffering.

Food For Thought (and Bad Writing(tm)):

A lot of people have a boner for the cannibalism implications of meol despite the bad math behind it, but fucking meol, how does it work?

Sin eating historically was to cleanse one who has passed on of their earthly sins that they may find peace in the afterlife--this was done in different ways by different people, but one of the best known methods was ritualistically baking the sins of the dead into bread or cakes and consuming it. Yoshi-P has even said he thought of meol as a sweet bread. Quest text from the Unfulfilled Forager in Gate Town further backs up that meol is not meat-based:

(By the way, nothing was keeping this man from hunting a shit-ton of meat that was literally within walking distance.)

It suggests Vauthry could have been taught that by eating the sins of the world, a.k.a. Sin Eaters, a.k.a. meol (which in the Japanese version, was something he was apparently afraid of doing?) --he was saving someone’s soul.

“And for thy peace I pawn my own soul. Amen.”

In reality, there would be a point Mr. Mayor would not know how to feed the Warden forced on his child. Humes don't have a natural method of feeding on "living aether", yet the Warden would not reach its full potency without it. Making meol could either involve an instinctive act on the Warden’s part, or it was taught--and that seems very much beyond his father’s area of expertise, OR Vauthry himself, so I’d almost wonder if the Ascians had a part in it. But like mixing medicine in a favorite food, theoretically, the aether provided by meol would slowly build up. And as the Warden grew in power, it would need more, and more. It would explain that final “powerup” before Mt. Gulg.

Provided Sin Eaters have any living aether left. They never explained that bit. Sin Eaters have no bones, no blood, no meat, nothing but Light. We saw enough of them dissipate into the air, including in cutscenes. Even Tesleen, very recently turned, faded. There is nothing else to them but Light...and there should be nothing left but that “blank perfection”, the Eater would have ate the rest? So where is the “living aether” they require to survive?

Fresh-sliced sneater wing, empty as the plotholes of this arc.

I could buy him turning people into Eaters directly, but then what was the point of the bread?

That’s right folks, meol still doesn't make sense, surprise! Also: so many people in one city allegedly being "disappeared" over twenty years, from a stagnant population, to “feed” everyone every day--yet no panic, not so much as a hushed whisper about it? Eulmore is supposed to be the safest place anywhere -- no idea how it could gain that reputation with that theory. Square wrote Eulmore like it existed in a vacuum, no one knowing no one. The lack of depth is still jarring, three playthroughs later. Only one unreliable narrator of an NPC (Thoarich) even hinted this theory, to boot.

Side note I thought was strange: you never see any of the normal food in Vauthry’s chamber actually eaten, it’s all untouched. I wonder if the Warden somehow eventually affected his ability to tolerate the food a Hume would normally eat.

That said, his “mind control” of the populace was laughably ineffective, so I wonder what even was the point of feeding them meol. Perhaps it was again the Lightwarden instinct to create more of its own kind. Nothing else seems to fit. “Oh no, this Eulmoran is staggering randomly around, muttering about Vauthry! How can we survive this onslaught?” Yyyyeah no, lol. Alphinaud confirmed the Eulmorans were acting of their own free will until that final showdown, so the mind control seemed to be a panic move--I wonder if it was even took conscious effort at that point, or just another instinctive SOS from the Warden. Given his father’s trouble with the smallfolk, I have to wonder if it was Former Mayor’s idea, if there was a real reason behind it. Not a reason that would make good sense, but nothing in this arc does make good sense, so.

The thing is, meol was an optional dish. No one was forced to eat it. So Vauthry must not have been relying on controlling or turning anyone.

But despite the fact meol defies their own game logic, Square really did seem to relish hinting at the dehumanizing, Austin Powers “haha fat guy eats people” trope anyway, and seriously. They could do better than that--I hoped they’d BE better than that. But here we are, the company that is supposed to go so hard against harassment takes an easy target and encourages a very specific negative response to it. This is the reason I believe Eulmore was such an inconsistent arc--they almost entirely depended on Vauthry’s appearance to carry the weak narrative, explaining very lttle of his actual motivations because that would ruin their weak-ass “gotcha” that he was the Lightwarden of Kholusia. Of course he’d be evil, just look at him! Right guys? Look! He’s fat!

Just as they used nothing but thicc’qotes in the trailer to try establishing the evils in Eulmore. Thicc’qotes eating fresh fruit whilst having pleasant conversation is the root of it all in Square’s eye; not a noblewoman who tried to have her maidservant murdered, not the nobleman who pushed his bodyguard over the rails, or even that asshole on the balcony laughing about splitting someone’s head like a melon. No, fatness is the real wickedness. Square was full of shit for this one and it shows when looked at with even a little critical thought. I don’t know what I expected of someone who requested a human “Jabba The Hutt” to be the last-minute midboss, someone who looked at a heavier Lakshmi and said “that’s not cute”, or a jackass who told a cosplayer they needed to lose weight onstage at FanFest 2014.

Even more disappointing? All these questions here, all these inconsistencies? For the majority of the playerbase, “he’s fat” was good enough. The Ascians get a million thoughtful theories. One of their victims? The playerbase thinks he manifested from the womb as you see him in game. They don’t stop to think of what it implied, to be born corrupted and groomed as a tool not only for Ascians, but his own father. They avoid the fact the fandom darling directly violated a woman and child’s bodily autonomy even as they insist on Vauthry taking absolute 100% responsibility for everything he was made specifically to do. And there’s just one difference between him and literally every other villain in this game, aside from the fact he had no choice. Yeah. As much as some players hate to hear it, if Vauthry had swapped models with the fandom darling, we wouldn’t be hearing justifications for mass murder/dictatorships/skeevy noncon. We would definitely be hearing how Vauthry was used, though--and how tragic his story is.

Some players bring up Dulia-Chai as though she somehow counters all the bodyshaming bullshit elsewhere. It doesn’t. She was still in place along with all the other thicc’qotes as Square’s fucked-up shorthand for excess and indolence. I had to learn she kept books for the Stoneworks in optional dialogue. Maybe if she didn’t talk about cakes and such so much, but I mean, that’s what fat people do, right?

So if you’re laughing at fat men, we fat women know you’re actually laughing at us, too. Git gud or stop embarrassing yourselves.

“Tyranny”, aka you keep using that word, I don’t think it means what you think it means:

Whatever the Ascians did to make sure Vauthry’s "Ascension" was a time-release event, the "madness and fury" clearly had taken him when we met him in Shadowbringers. Punishments for those having broken the laws of the city changed from exile into vicious death sentences. Suddenly the God talk, where not even Alphinaud had heard that. It really makes a case that Vauthry was slowly declining into madness the longer he was exposed to the Warden--in fact, Thancred sort of confirms it, during the trailer: “This town certainly has changed, but not at all for the better.” He was only on The First for five years.

Vauthry likely had no introspective dialogues because much of who he actually had been was already gone, and the player is left with his remaining drive to do “good” and “justify your existence” wrapped around the instincts of a Lightwarden.

Yet a lot of things remain that really contradict the "bones of the poor" narrative the writers were trying to push about the city, and many times I felt a real disconnect between what our party was saying and what Eulmore was actually doing. A lot of it implies that, despite the Warden utterly subverting Vauthry as per the hard rules of Tempering, there was benevolence at work, once. The Minstreling Wanderer said that he could not say whether Vauthry was wicked in his youth, and I take this as a sign he was not.

First off, let’s just get this out of the way: The Crystarium also expected you to work for the city in some form if you were expecting to stay there.

”Layabouts”: a people who were the main line of defense against the Sin Eaters for all The First for eighty years, until the futility of it, and all the loss, broke their spirits entirely. Just another sample of how Square intended Eulmore be shown as fat=lazy, despite their own lore--until Square was lazy themselves and didn’t finish the thicc’qote models so Eulmore would be exclusively fat bodies as shown in the trailer.

The narrative often fudged with writer omnipotence regarding the protagonists, pressing to cast Eulmore in a negative light because they’d given up hope, even though loss is so important in excusing the Ascians’ actions. Our party had the WoL, whom they knew not only had a good chance of defeating Lightwardens, but G’raha seemed to know the WoL could contain them. Your average native inhabitant of the First would not be far off the mark feeling hopeless about the world, though, because they didn’t know about these extraordinary circumstances. Most of their oceans were lost in the Flood, and that in itself, realistically, is a death sentence. It’s all well and good G’raha was so perky and hopeful, and all well and good the game contrived a convenient deus ex machina to fix the issue (they never really addressed the issue anyway), but none of the locals could know any of this. I can see why Eulmore would think the Scions were full of shit, because for 80 years after the Flood, Eulmore tried to stop the Sin Eaters and could not. Honestly, I expected more sympathy for the Eulmorans, because they had been the front line for so long and lost so much. But lol fatties amirite?

Now, Square tried to dabble in many other Enlightened Social Commentaries with Eulmore, but immediately contradicted themselves so many times I was constantly asking myself why Alphinaud was being so goddamn extra dramatic. Gate Town/The Derelicts:

Not at Eulmore’s hand, Alphinaud honey, you can’t solo farms or communities. The people who remained behind were borked over by the ones who left. What are you even trying to say here, Square, help me out. Generosity--”largesse”-- is bad? Abandoning what you have, all others be damned, for something you were never given a promise of receiving....good? Sympathetic? Seriously, what is your point here, Square? How does this equal Eulmore being malicious? How does this not make the bulk of Gate Town hopefuls a bunch of dipshits? Wright is in sight from Gate Town, but no one ever thought going there might be better?

If Square meant for Eulmore to seem a prison for the “poor”, they did a shitty job of that, considering: 1) A big point about Gate Town was that the people staying there left viable homes, farms, and communities for a chance at getting in, a chance that was never guaranteed by anyone, and they refused any alternatives Alphinaud offered them, plus

2) No one was keeping anyone from leaving if they wanted to. No guards, no masked vigilantes, no rando singing Hotel California in your ear.

So ruthless a prison, there were not only invisible guards holding you against your will, there was an Amarokeep waiting in the Derelicts to whisk you away for 70 gil so you can pretend to make a daring escape, straight to the freebie Amaro that will take you to The Crystarium. Tell your friends! Tell Alphinaud! He will literally buy anything this expac.

- “Young Kai-Shirr” getting into Eulmore was never a “matter of life or death”, and I can’t tell if that was Alphinaud being pretentious again or the writing was just that bad. Kai-Shirr was offered work at the Crystarium and he refused it, “it has to be Eulmore”. How is that on anyone but him? (Plus why does no one ever question Kai-Shirr’s complete lack of caring for why Alphinaud wanted in, if that was true? Was Kai-Shirr then not dooming Alph to “death” instead when he robbed him? That’s not very cash money of him.)

This isn’t “life or death” either.

Neither is this.

Nnnno.

Considering Stilltide reported they have fish for all, and Wright’s trouble was not enough people, this is not only not “life or death”, but fucking creepy. Hopefully this better illustrates my confusion of what we were being told vs. what we were being shown in Gate Town/The Derelicts. d( ᐖ )

- The citizens In Gate Town/The Derelicts were not at the mercy of a "contest" to be let in. It was shown to be literally a help wanted board with jesters, and the “contest” was “do you have this certain skill someone is looking to hire”. I guess the Crystarium will hire a fishmonger to do the work of a chirurgeon or something?

The jongleurs were otherwise just "rule of cool", I guess--although the significant look the Red gave us, followed soon after by Emet-Selch’s lurking outside the Offer, made me wonder if they were not acting as monitors on Vauthry for the Ascians.

- There was at least one person in the Derelicts from the Crystarium, looking to make a quick gil on the extravagant “refuse” of the city, and several locals were doing the same. I guess those “layabouts” inside the city had their uses after all, Katliss.

- Meol was not the only food given to those outside the city. Produce and such that was not “pretty” enough for the fussy free citizenry was distributed to those camping the outskirts.

I’d have expected a “tyrant” to let that produce rot. Catty in Stilltide confirmed there was enough fish for everyone living there, and Zia-Bostt above seems to back that up. Game in the field was also aplenty even in terms of map mechanics--this was not some form of forced famine to hold the smallfolk in a state of dependence. Eulmore was still paying the villages for produce.

So much for the exploitation of big, bad Eulmore!

Again, Alphinaud himself bemoaned how the people were there of their own choice, and how they refused any and all alternatives he presented them with. The people in Gate Town wanted to wait for Eulmore, they left their own homes and farms freely for Eulmore, screwing over their neighbors in the process--and that is not Vauthry’s fault, that is on them?

Hurricane Florence left my husband and I homeless a while. You do not fucking pass up sure shelter and work and food to wait instead for a nebulous chance at Hollywood or Las Vegas--and if you do, that’s all your own tomfoolery, that’s not “injustice”, no BONES OF THE POOR required. It’s common sense, Square, goddamn lol

The Free Citizenry:

- The rich would not be permitted into the city if they did not give up their wealth for the benefit of all living there. This was a condition for the rich only. There is zero indication those funds were being put into Vauthry's pocket; it ran the city, and both free and bonded enjoyed the results (there seemed far more bonded residents in Eulmore than free, to boot.). There's a policy that would never fly in at least two allied citystates, lol.

It raises the question, if Wrenden and Former Mayor were so damn equitable, how were there even rich to begin with? There’s an old noble in Vauthry’s Eulmore who apparently does not know how to tie his shoes without a servant--a.k.a., the idle rich existed before Vauthry even came into power. The dialogue of Vauthry’s father also made it seem that these were systems in place long before he his son was even born -- except Vauthry’s system did not allow their hoarding of wealth, and distributed it instead to the benefit of everyone in the city. It was also a system that was so satisfactory, both free and bonded citizens became loudly dissatisfied after he was gone.

- The rich were the only ones guaranteed “Ascension”, and if you want to call that a perk I’m going to assume it’s because the entire system relied on their dosh--technically, they already did their “work” for the city. (”Buying a stairway to Heaven”, as it were.) So much for those "bones of the poor", Alph. Statistically, if bones built Eulmore, it was the bones of the rich.

Until Gaia, Ascension was only mentioned twice, but again, no real context was given. (jfc Square, we shouldn't have to buy an overpriced lorebook for this.) First time was the Weeping Warbler chain. Going by the quest dialogue, it sounded very much like something offered as mercy to terminal illness or otherwise impending death, as the Warbler's creepy patron lamented how he almost wished he could hasten his own to join her (btw, the right answer to that poor girl's fear that she'd be a burden more than a treasure was "YOU ARE MORE THAN YOUR VOICE”, asshole. >:| ). Players at the time were legit “oh that poor old man, she’s like his daughter :CCCCC” Ahahaha oh my sweet summer children

Either way, "Ascension” was definitely implied to be entirely voluntary. It was implied there were even rules and conditions to be granted it. And Vauthry did not seem to push anyone towards the idea, it was just there. (If it was for terminal illness, though, consider the following: Thoarich seemed confident the Warbler would live, but may lose her voice. If you have to be terminal to be Ascended, ironically Vauthry may have refused her patron's request.) The second mention was from Vauthry himself, for his “trial” when the Lightwarden awakened--so he certainly, tragically, believed what he claimed it was. The Bonded Residents:

- Even at his worst, there is no indication that the free citizens were encouraged by Vauthry to abuse their workers; in fact, the Amiable Maiden and her Ardent Attendant implied heavily that appreciation and respect for one's bonded was the ideal that was pushed by Eulmore, that "love for one's fellow man".

At no time were the bonded residents “slaves” (a new accusation from Twitter). They were “bonded” to the patrons who hired them by a work contract, and they sought those jobs willingly. No one kept them from leaving Gate Town, only kept them from getting in without a work arrangement--again, a prerequisite the Crystarium also had according to Katliss. The bonded residents were paid, and apparently paid well.

As the WoL, we were also bonded to the Chais, and were able to come and go later. It was like the writers knew they needed to sit the fence so the free citizens would be redeemable enough to help with the immersion-breaking giant Talos plot later, and so never pushed Eulmore to the evils they talked about but never showed--leaving behind the most disconnected, self-sabotaging arc I’ve ever seen from this MMO.

An evil slaveowner at work.

Alphinaud rewarded for being an agreeable yet melodramatic young boy.

- The bonded we met who fled Eulmore had fled their patrons, not Vauthry himself--even the Warbler thought Vauthry a “great man”. No one in Eulmore feared him.

- Tristol’s “grave sin” to be patronless and penniless was contradicted by Fathana, whose patron had died some time ago, and yet she remained in the city without one to help new workers--because her patron had been so kind to her. The clerk whom you first speak to upon entering Eulmore even says that if you are “fired” or otherwise lose your patronage, you can try to find another patron to remain in the city or work as a general laborer like Fathana until, presumably, you do find another patron. Or maybe you don’t even need a patron, and you are allowed to stay as your own boss at that point, she certainly was.

Since the Chais helped us leave the city, I’m not at all sure why they didn’t do the same for Tristol, especially if Vauthry’s violence was a well-known thing. It’s almost like violence from Vauthry wasn’t expected, and they’d never think that would happen. I mean, some recent time ago, Vauthry only exiled thieves from Eulmore.

(Hell, Square may have even fudged Tristol’s punishment, implying Vauthry had ordered him tossed off the balustrade of The Offer. Vauthry’s balcony appears to be the one directly above The Path To Glory, right above the gates into Eulmore. There doesn’t seem to be ocean nearby at any realistic distance or angle from that balcony. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

- Laws that we saw in effect were for the benefit of patrons and bonded citizens alike. There was nothing to suggest those laws were unreasonable, either. The punishment became fuck no unreasonable (though as I pointed out earlier, the punishments seemed to ramp up in violence the longer the warden was part of him, from exile to a literal pound of flesh, much like Titania went from a benevolent ruler to Jumpscare Prime). But fraud being a crime is sort of expected anywhere, and creeps at the Beehive should not touch dancers unless dancers consent, lest they get the bouncer. ( another strangely thoughtful law for a “tyrant”. )

- The bonded residents inside seemed much happier with their lot than Alphinaud’s dramatic assessment, which was also confusing as hell.

- Entire families were allowed to enter if one member was hired. Alphinaud was able to drag us along with a minimum of fuss as his “assistant”. Vauthry’s definition of how one “gives” to Eulmore was not based solely on traditional work.

- Bonded residents were not afraid at all to speak of bending rules for perfect strangers when offering drinks to us, so Vauthry wasn't out prowling for blood 24/7 like an Inquisitor trying to fill their heretic quota. Not only was Dulia-Chai not afraid to go calm him down at the height of his rage, Chai-Nuzz didn't freak out at the idea she'd do it. Nuzz. Wasn’t nervous. Yeah, let that one sink in 9_6

The only time Vauthry acted seemed to be when an issue was brought forward directly to him. Otherwise, it seemed like standard Lightwarden behavior: stasis, until presented with a real and immediate threat to itself, which in Vauthry’s case was a threat to the order of his city, or the ones killing Lightwardens.

For allegedly being aggressive against Kholusia's neighbors, Vauthry seemed to have taken the Crystarium's refusal of his offer to lead them back in the day really well, as in, he did jack shit in retaliation and accepted it. In fact, he was so warlike, Emet-Selch was surprised Vauthry would move that army, even for a very clear threat against fulfilling the false destiny Emet-Selch forced on him.

While on the subject of aggression, the people in Amity have dialogue indicating they feared Vauthry would send the army after them--which he obviously never did, in all 20 years of his reign.

- “No one leaves” except hey whoa there hi, Lue-Reeq, who comes and goes as he pleases. Plus that bonded resident who came to Wright looking for ale. Plus us, also bonded residents, because Dulia-Chai once again had nothing to fear from Vauthry.

Also anyone who was exiled previously. For supposedly wanting to keep people inside Eulmore, Vauthry sure was terrible at doing it lmao

GCBTW: I'd really love to see Square and Alphinaud be similarly vocal and insistent with the actual horrors our own Allied city-states commit without the corruption of a Lightwarden in play. The selective outrage/pearl-clutching is really immersion-breaking.

Ishgard: “Highborn” genuinely exploiting the “lowborn” every other sidequest to this day. Genocide of the Au Ra. At least two FATEs, one job quest, one lorebook entry, and one dungeon indicate Ishgard has fucking disgusting levels of rape carried out by figures of authority. Rent is being charged for people from the Brume--the homeless, destitute people in the Brume--to live in the Firmament, but they can arrange payment plans! And this was all talked about while one of them was shivering in the cold nearby. What, can't the highborn be arsed to share what they have? Eulmore is the height of wickedness because they couldn't cram an island full of people into one tower, but Ishgard's our pal even though they can't manage to make space in their mansions for one small area of one city. My God, Vauthry had FOOD in his chamber, shame!--but that's okay, Aymeric, you rock that extravagant dinner spread in the dating sim cutscene. Maybe the Brume can fight over the Ishgardian Muffin crumbs.

(Yes, I know, Vauthry had more food than that in his chamber. He’s also approaching fifteen-plus feet tall. Proportionally, the food in his chamber would be the equivalent of you or me living on cocktail peanuts and thimbles of water. Once more, Square was so fixated on fatphobia they didn’t do the fucking math.)

Doma: “Hey yeah look guys I know child trafficking is bad but let’s just smile and nod at this guy who did it to Yotsuyu and give him a different post, okay? Okay. Remember to be polite. We will never speak of this again.”

“Let me laugh about your beliefs and call them bullshit while I angle you into a war that isn’t even yours, Xaela tribes.” Gridania: Lets people straight up die if the “elements” tell them it’s okay. Exiling a child for stealing a bag of flower seeds is normal and totally not at all fucked up. Open and accepted racism against the Duskwights with no sign of Kan-E-Senna saying fucking stop that shit.

Ul’dah: Human trafficking. Child trafficking. Human lab rats. Using prisoners for blood sports. The Syndicate living it up in finery, giving exactly nothing to people living in the streets. Notoriously corrupt Brass Blades. More implications of fucking disgusting levels of rape. Turning away the Doman refugees when they literally had nowhere else to go and nothing left. We smiled and nodded when Godbert said people mustn’t be given charity, they must work for their own good.

Limsa Lominsa: Fucks over the “beast tribes” at every opportunity, then complains they summon Primals.

But remember, folks, it was Vauthry’s Eulmore that was the real evil we had to desperately move against. Not the newer, capitalist Eulmore that didn’t feed two guys from Wright because they couldn’t afford it, shoosh those “bones of the poor” don’t count. The writers tried to retcon a lot in 5.1, it seemed--suddenly, it was implied people were forced to leave villages, conscripted, etc. Except the people were still there to tell us otherwise in 5.0, and there was still no sign of any Eulmoran forces keeping them in Gate Town. We went from Alphinaud demanding the free citizens take responsibility for what they’d done in Eulmore to posthumously blaming Vauthry’s “bad influence” for everything up to and including a noblewoman’s attempted murder of her maidservant, because the noblewoman’s husband was creeping on the girl.

Which leads us to another of my biggest peeves--all the while, despite “the truth” being so important when it came to Emet-Selch, the sins of Vauthry’s father and the suffering his wife and child endured because of Emet-Selch’s direct hand are left unspoken. We smile and nod silently to Eulmorans and then offer them up Vauthry and his “bad influence” as an excuse for their own misdeeds. I’ve never felt less a “hero” in this game as I did then. Yet Emet-Selch, who committed this atrocity on a child, was called a HERO because fandom darling, while the child is vilified and thoroughly dehumanized.

It’s really telling how much blind condemnation the fanbase dealt to Vauthry for reasons that were completely inaccurate, while the fandom darling of this expansion was 100% the founder of not one, but two civilizations based on domination, the most recent being a nation whose canon creed is "No lands must remain beyond our grasp. Go forth. Conquer. Rule.", a nation whose people have a habit of calling all the “lesser races” they conscript “savages”. Fandom Darling was also hype af for Black Rose and called it worthy of his bloodline! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

It’s really telling that the fanbase will randomly accuse Vauthry of being a sexual predator with Sin Eaters based on exactly zero evidence (but a lot of projection on their part), while the fandom darling 100% canonly used the actual Solus zos Galvus’ enthralled body to sire a child with Galvus’ unwitting wife, and going by the dialogue--

--he’s done that before. No wonder consent was no big deal when he made that offer to Former Mayor. But this was played for sympathy because fandom darling and what do you know, the fandom bought it.

Square “both sided” actual authoritarian characters--actual colonizers, actual mass murderers of entire worlds, actual skeevy-ass characters who don’t care about consent because “not really alive”--called it “heroic”, even (the latter was called “moral relativism”, and it’s genuinely unnerving how many players pushed that as absolution or relatable)--but throughout the course of the main expansion and two subsequent patches,Square went all-in that the fat guy who had his agency and sanity stolen from him in utero to be used as a tool of destruction was the real tyrant. We the player were encouraged to buddy up with E-S while we were never once given the option to wonder if something was terribly amiss with Vauthry, if he may need help. They didn’t even spare us a “jfc that poor man, the Eaters got to him” when he blindly twisted his neck 180 to neither see nor hear us. He was still “evil” because reasons, a.k.a., he was fat.

TL;DR, the playerbase:

I remain unconvinced the Ancients were not clever enough to suspect summoning the “Will Of The Star” may have an effect on their own wills, as their wishes for Zodiark carried an unspoken need for the Elder Primal to be granted control to achieve its end. Emet-Selch stated that Tempering was to be “expected”, even “natural”, though his appearance towards the end of 5.3 seems to contradict Tempering: has there ever been another instance that a Tempered being was able to act directly against the best interests of the primal that holds them in thrall? Elidibus sure couldn’t.

Disclaimer: I actually have no issue with liking the Ascians, be it shipping, writing, art, porn mods, whatever. But if you come into my yard with nothing but shit talk for Vauthry on reblogs of my art, yet have all the praise for the one who made him, you’re going to hear in my personal space about why you’re a hypocrite. Often. With receipts.

The End.

First off, it’s popular in the fandom to say the Lightwarden was Vauthry’s real body because it’s just so damn inconvenient to the dating sim mentality that the fat guy was the default. Thing is:

That is Innocence’s head and its wings inside Vauthry’s split-open back during the pre-phase two “transformation”. Between that and the second face that appeared to cave in most of Vauthry’s chest (on the heart side, interestingly enough), the face whose eyes opened and glowed upon the Warden’s “awakening”:

It doesn’t look at all like it was a “transformation”. It looks like the Lightwarden emerged and absorbed what was left of its host’s physical form while still retaining Vauthry’s broken mind. (Notice the nose, much longer than Vauthry’s actual nose, eye spacing, the bit of smile. That second face was the Warden.)

Before his death, Vauthry did not say "well dang, the Ascians promised I would be all-powerful so I could be evil! Curse them for cheating me!"

He said "Father told me...that I am hope. That I am righteousness. That I am...a god... That is why I was born...as man and sin eater both...I kept the people safe!"

Those lines make no sense if Vauthry interpreted Father’s manipulations as "haha I'm a spoiled evil brat I can do what I want". A spoiled evil brat wouldn't need to be convinced what they were doing was GOOD, would they? Why would that even have been a thing, wouldn't they just not care? He had the power to not give a shit. Instead, he would see his peoples’ “dreams fulfilled, their wishes granted.” EDIT - Canon as of 5.3 appears to support this analysis! \o/

Spoken at the end by G’raha Tia on the subject of enduring hope, and additionally supported by the Minstreling Wander, who told us in the Immaculate EX unlock he could not say if Vauthry was wicked in his youth. ”Vindicate his existence”. Vauthry was never in this for the evil selfish lulz. He believed he needed to prove the “half Sin Eater” heritage forced on him did not make him a monster, that it was good, that he was good, and he did it by doing everything he was gaslighted to believe was good by his father--until the Warden finally broke him entirely. To the people who debated so strongly he was just evil because reasons, or refused to hold other characters to the same standards of damnation they set for him because reasons, hope your shoe tastes good. Your reasons were always really clear, btw.

This remains the story of a child who needed a hero that never came, and players choose to discard it, like the free citizens snub produce, because Vauthry isn’t pretty enough for them. A fat character’s stolen life simply isn’t worth the effort of contemplation because the one who made him makes players horny on main.

What happened to this character, with just the little information the game gave us, was straight-up abuse. Yet too many in the fanbase thought no further than juvenile fat jokes (so cool) or unquestioning contempt for a character who was clearly in a state of mental breakdown (unless it was the fandom darling, he’s allowed, even if it destroys worlds) --while Square readily had their characters ace detective enough to detect his weight, but not his unnatural height, his pointed ears, his fogged over eyes, his bendy-straw neck, his second freaking face. Oh, and he can control Sin Eaters. Wait, you mean the Lightwarden was in him the whole time!? Seems legit gais, what an unexpected turn of events!

ᐠ( ᐛ )ᐟ

#FFXIV #long post #Vauthry #character analysis #Lord Vauthry #Eulmore #Shadowbringers

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hysterialevi · 3 years

Text

Eitr | Chapter 10

Fanfic summary: In an alternate universe where the Raven Clan is wiped out, Sigurd ends up being rescued by the son of a Saxon ealdorman, and is tasked with being the boy’s new bodyguard. Upon meeting the boy’s father however, Sigurd soon realizes that the ealdorman is responsible for his clan’s destruction, and secretly plans for revenge while hiding behind the guise of a Norse pagan turned Christian.

Point of view: third-person

Pairing: Sigurd Styrbjornson x Male OC

Author’s note: Thanks for being patient with me guys. I know I’ve been sucking ass in terms of getting these chapters out at a frequent rate, but I really appreciate you all being so understanding with me. Hope you enjoy this part, and thanks again for the support.

This story is also on AO3 | Previous chapter | Next chapter

ONE WEEK LATER

ELMENHAM, THE LONGHOUSE

Oswald threw an incredulous stare at Eivor upon hearing the news, unable to deny the doubt that was settling into his mind.

“The ealdorman of Wedenscire did this?” He asked. “Are you certain?”

Eivor shrugged, fidgeting with his axe as he relaxed in a chair.

“That’s what Gjuki tells me. There is still much information to be uncovered when it comes to the nature of this ambush, but based on what he has brought to me so far, I think it’s safe to assume that Aegenwulf was involved with the attack at the very least.”

The king placed his hands on his hips and began to pace around the room. “I just... I find it difficult to believe that he would act so brazenly -- especially in the middle of a war, no less. Aegenwulf has never been fond of the Danes, that is true, but he is a man of honor; a man of God. If he truly is behind the attack on Ravensthorpe, why would he do such a thing? What reason could he have to treat your people in such a way?”

Eivor sighed, tracing the edge of his blade. “I do not yet know, but his crimes go beyond what happened at Ravensthorpe. He also has my brother.”

That caught Oswald’s attention. “Aegenwulf has Sigurd? Is he holding him prisoner?”

“Not officially, but he may as well be. I have only heard fragments of the entire situation in Forangal, but Gjuki tells me Sigurd is slowly being brainwashed. He bears their sigil, and raises a blade in the ealdorman’s name. He obeys Aegenwulf’s every word, and apparently, has expressed some hesitation in terms of going along with my plans to assault the fortress. There are even whispers that he might convert to Christianity soon. They are turning him into a thrall.”

The Saxon king shook his head in sympathy, gazing blankly at the floor. “I’m... so sorry, Eivor. You’ve made it quite clear how much Sigurd means to you. I can’t imagine what it’s like watching a loved one lose sense of who they are. I wish I could make all this go away with a snap of my fingers, but we’ll need more men if we are to breach the walls of Forangal Castle.”

Eivor rose from his seat, sliding his axe back into its sheathe. “Have no fear, Oswald. We will have the forces we need soon enough. I have just finished securing an alliance in Eurvicscire. A couple more, and we should be ready to get Sigurd back.”

“Good. In the meantime, I will do all I can to prepare. A fragile peace hangs over East Anglia, but if there’s any chance we can save your brother, I’ll be there when you call for me. So will Valdis.”

“Thank you, Oswald.” Eivor said sincerely. “I know I’m asking a lot, but if we don’t rescue Sigurd from Forangal, he could end up dead. Or worse.”

“I understand. This is not something we can simply let go. If Aegenwulf really is at the heart of all this, we must bring him to justice. He has the blood of many innocents on his hands, and that cannot go unpunished.”

Oswald strolled back to his throne, finally having a seat after a long day of work.

“Carry on with your plans, Eivor. I will inform Valdis of what is to come. In the meantime, do your best to keep your head high. I know these are trying times, but Sigurd is going to need your strength if his situation is truly as bad as Gjuki reports.”

Eivor gave him a nod, making his way out of the longhouse. “I know, Oswald. And I will. I’m not giving up on him yet.”

~~~~~~~~~~

THAT NIGHT

FORANGAL CASTLE, SIGURD’S CHAMBERS

Dragging a small stone along the edge of his sword, Sigurd sharpened the blade underneath the pale moonlight as he sat by the window, continuously checking to see if Gjuki had lit the brazier yet.

It had been about a week or so ever since he began searching for Algar’s hidden crypt, and with no further updates to inform Sigurd of what was going on, the man couldn’t deny that he was starting to grow anxious.

What if something had happened to Gjuki? What if he had been caught? What if all this was for nothing? What would he do?

The last thing Sigurd wanted was to think about the possible outcomes that could arise if their plan was foiled, but the thoughts continued to creep into his mind regardless. There were so many risks at hand and so many lives to consider, that he was beginning to wonder if all their effort was doomed to end in futility.

After all, they were heavily outnumbered in this part of England. Aside from Gjuki and his men, Sigurd really had no one else to rely on in Wedenscire. Of course, he had the support of Aegenwulf’s children to back him up, but in the face of true monarchy, he doubted that their approval of him would mean much to the ealdorman in the end.

Still, he supposed there was no use in worrying until he had a solid reason to believe something was amiss. Gjuki had already proven himself to be a skilled warrior in the past, and with Eivor waiting just beyond the horizon to bring Aegenwulf to justice, Sigurd remained confident in the fact that they would reunite someday.

Though, of course, that didn’t mean he wasn’t frightened.

“...Sigurd?” A man suddenly said from behind the door, their gruff voice muffled by its material. “Are you in there?”

The viking placed his sword down and walked over to the entrance, straightening his tunic along the way.

“One moment.”

Swinging the door open with a firm pull, Sigurd paused in surprise when he saw an unexpected face greeting him from the other side, admittedly confused about their presence here.

“Thegn Raedan?” He said. “Is there something you need?”

The nobleman took a moment to observe the Norse in front of him, flicking his eyes up and down.

“So...” Raedan replied quietly, not wanting to wake Forangal’s people, “you’re Sigurd the Lone-Wolf. I apologize for the abrupt visit -- especially at such a late hour -- but I wanted to speak with you face-to-face. After all, I don’t think you and I have had the chance to sit down and have a proper conversation yet, have we?”

“No, we haven’t.”

The Saxon quirked a brow at him. “...May I come in?”

Sigurd stepped to the side, allowing him entry. “Of course, my lord.”

Walking into the dimly-lit chamber, Raedan strolled towards the window and leaned against the wall beside it, resting a hand on the hilt of his sword as Sigurd closed the door behind him.

“So,” the viking said, “what did you wish to speak about?”

Raedan was quiet for a second. “...Well, a few things. But mainly, my wife. Moira. You’ve met her a handful of times by now, haven’t you? I know she’s been giving you some trouble since we first arrived, and I’m sorry about that. She is a good woman, but she’s also very protective. And I fear that the history between our people and yours has been anything but peaceful.”

The viking crossed his arms. “I assume her distrust towards me isn’t without reason.”

The Saxon nodded. “And you’d be correct. I’ll spare you the details, but... just know that she lost her own mother to the vikings. Many years ago. It’s the main reason her father arranged a marriage between the two of us. He wanted to secure an alliance with my family in order to drive the Danes out of their lands. It worked in the end... but at a great cost.”

Sigurd’s tone softened with empathy. “...I’m sorry to hear that. I know how it feels.”

“I imagine we all do, nowadays. Unfortunately. It’s rare to find someone who has evaded the tragedy of this war, and even rarer to find someone who hasn’t been changed by it. But I digress...”

Raedan approached Sigurd, lowering his voice so that it was barely above a whisper.

“May I ask you something, Lone Wolf?”

The Norseman nodded. “Certainly.”

“...From what I understand, you’re quite close to Aegenwulf, aren’t you?”

Sigurd shook his head. “Not particularly, no. In fact, I hardly know anything about him.”

“Is that so? Well, I must admit, that’s somewhat of a surprise. I simply assumed you were friends since he’s allowed you to stay here. Most Danes that cross paths with Aegenwulf end up with a severed head.”

“It was mostly his children who influenced his decision to spare me,” Sigurd explained. “Initially, Aegenwulf was going to have me executed.”

Raedan chuckled softly. “Ah, yes. That’s more what I expected. Still, it doesn’t sound like the Aegenwulf I knew all those years ago. He’s always been a stern bastard, mind you, but... I feel as if he’s changed lately. And not for the better.”

Sigurd recalled what Edric told him. “Well, he did lose one of his sons.”

“Aye. Gareth. I heard about that. Such a horrible death, and one that I fear has left Aegenwulf in a perpetual state of despair. He always puts on a smile when he’s around me, but I can’t help but feel as if it’s no more than a facade.”

The viking picked up on his tone. “You’re worried about him?”

“I am. That’s why I came to you. I hate to talk about a man behind his back, but I thought you might know something that could help. Seems he’s keeping secrets from everyone these days, though.”

Sigurd couldn’t hide the sharpness in his voice. “Not everyone.”

“Oh? You have someone in mind?”

The Norseman sighed out of hesitance, somewhat reluctant to answer the question. Part of him trusted Raedan to handle information like this with an objective mind -- he seemed quite rational, after all -- but the other part regretted saying anything in the first place.

Still, he wondered if it’d be best if someone from outside of Forangal knew the reality of the situation. Sigurd wasn’t willing to open up to Raedan about everything just yet, but... maybe it could’ve helped if one of Aegenwulf’s oldest allies had the gist of what was going on.

He only prayed he wasn’t wrong.

“...It’s Algar.” Sigurd finally confessed.

Raedan furrowed his brow. “Algar? You mean Aegenwulf’s housecarl? What about him? Have you noticed anything strange?”

“Nothing specific,” he lied, “but it doesn’t take much to see that he’s influencing Aegenwulf’s way of thinking -- and not in a good way.”

Strangely enough, the other man didn’t seem too shocked. “Yes... I’ve heard the folks in this castle whispering about him. Edric’s mentioned him a few times as well. I get the impression that no one here is really fond of him, and now I’m starting to suspect there’s more to it than mere speculation.”

“Indeed. Everyone I’ve met so far has called him a snake. Perhaps it’d be worth keeping an eye on him--”

Sigurd came to an abrupt pause, suddenly noticing a lone flame glowing in the distance. It appeared to be coming from the pier just as Gjuki said it would, and he could’ve sworn he saw someone moving around in the shadows.

It must’ve been him.

“Sigurd?” Raedan said, pulling the viking from his thoughts. “Is... everything alright?”

The bodyguard brought his gaze back to the nobleman, quickly conjuring up an excuse.

“Erm, f-forgive me, my lord. I hate to cut our conversation short, but I just remembered I have an important matter to take care of. I’m afraid it can’t wait. If you’ll excuse me...”

Raedan nodded, giving him a casual wave. “Of course, Sigurd. Do what you must, and thank you for lending your ear to this old dog. I’ll keep in mind what you said about Algar, and I think we’d both do best to observe his every move. In the meantime, keep Aegenwulf’s children safe, understand? I don’t know what’s going on with his housecarl, but those little rascals don’t deserve any harm.”

“Understood. You have my word.”

The Saxon began heading for the exit, satisfied with the information he gathered. “Very good. I’ll see myself off, then. Take care of yourself, Lone Wolf. This place is far from safe, and I fear it’ll stay that way for quite some time.” He gave him one last glance.

“Until we meet again.”

~~~~~~~~~~

A FEW MINUTES LATER

THE PIER

Tugging his hood further down his face, Sigurd stuck to the path as he navigated his way through the darkness, doing his best to stay concealed in the overwhelming blackness of the night.

So far, he had yet to notice anyone tailing him through the wilderness, and the foliage around him remained calm with inactivity, but he couldn’t seem to fight off the sense of dread that was crawling underneath his skin.

It just felt... ominous out here. There was too much silence; too much stillness. The world was devoid of any life during this time of day, and it didn’t reflect the same atmosphere Sigurd experienced when he went hunting with Edric at all.

Perhaps it was just nerves, he thought. The night always seemed to draw out a certain type of fear from people’s hearts, and the fact that he wasn’t supposed to be out here in the first place certainly didn’t help.

His mind may have been racing with about a thousand different thoughts at the moment, what with all the anxiety that was building up in his chest, but he had to remind himself to stay calm.

Panicking would only make him stand out more after all, and he couldn’t afford to be caught.

“...Gjuki?” Sigurd whispered cautiously, quietly approaching the pier as he stepped into the brazier’s circle of light. “Gjuki, are you there?”

There was no response.

“Gjuki,” He repeated a bit louder, starting to grow concerned. “It’s me, Sigurd. You can come out.”

Still, he received no answer.

Where was that damned bard? He wondered. Had Gjuki been forced to flee prematurely due to some sort of threat? Or had Sigurd simply mistaken this flame as his signal?

He assumed the fire had been lit by Gjuki, considering that this pier was abandoned. No one else had any reason to make use of this place, and the timing of its appearance had to be more than just a coincidence.

Though, in spite of all that, the bard remained nowhere to be seen. There was no trace of Gjuki lying around the vicinity, and if Sigurd looked closely enough at the wooden floor of the pier, he could’ve sworn he saw some type of red liquid staining its surface.

Wait a minute.

Was that...?

“Hello, Lone Wolf.”

Whirling around at the sudden voice, Sigurd barely had any time to react before he felt the sharp sting of an armored fist bashing him in the face, causing him to fall to the ground.

He heard a group of footsteps swarming him as soon as he hit the floor, and within the blink of an eye, a pair of men had grabbed him by the arms, restraining him in their grasp.

“Hold him down!” A familiar voice bellowed over the commotion.

Sigurd struggled violently in their grip and desperately attempted to break free, only to receive a firm kick to the stomach. His head was still spinning from the initial punch, and now, his organs felt as if they were about to climb up his throat too.

“Stay still!” One of the men barked, shoving Sigurd’s face into the ground as he bent the man’s arms behind his back. But the viking wasn’t done fighting yet.

Despite being somewhat dazed from the attack, Sigurd wrestled even harder with the guards and let out an aggressive grunt, trying to weaken their grasp.

Before he could resist their seizure any further however, a metallic scrape suddenly reached his ears, forcing him to bring his attention to the dagger that was now kissing the flesh on his throat.

“Move one more muscle,” his captor hissed, “and I’ll plant this little beauty straight through your eye.”

Sigurd glared at the man on the other side of the blade, instantly recognizing their face.

“...Algar.”

The housecarl grinned widely, leaning in closer to him as he pulled his hood back. “Well, well. If it isn’t the blue-eyed demon. I had a feeling you would turn up sooner or later, Sigurd. I’m so glad to see you again.”

Sigurd ignored the man’s taunts, focused entirely on the absence of his friend. “Where’s Gjuki? What have you done with him?”

Algar raised a brow. “Oh, you mean the bard? There’s no need to worry about him, mate. I assure you, he’s receiving the exact treatment he deserves.”

The viking glowered at the malevolence in his tone, horrified to imagine what Gjuki could’ve been going through at the moment.

“I’ll kill you for this, you dog...!” Sigurd growled through clenched teeth.

The Saxon offered nothing but a chuckle in response. “You’ve certainly got a fire in you, Lone Wolf. There’s no denying that. I almost... respect it in a way. But unfortunately, I doubt you’ll be doing anything in your position.”

Algar grabbed Sigurd by the hair, yanking his head upwards from the ground with a hard tug.

“Did you honestly think I wouldn’t figure out what you and your friend were doing? How blind do you think I am? I warned you what would happen if you defied me, Sigurd, but it seems my threats fell on deaf ears. A shame, really, seeing as how you would’ve made a great warrior. All you had to do was follow our fucking orders. Now though, I’m afraid your fate rests in Aegenwulf’s hands.”

Algar let go of the viking’s hair and stood up from the ground, giving his men a series of commands.

“Tie him up, and bring him back to the castle. I’ll inform the ealdorman of what has transpired here. In the meantime, make sure this one stays put in the dungeons. I don’t want him to see even a sliver of sunlight until Aegenwulf permits it.”

“Right away, sir.” They answered in unison.

“Good. Then our business here is concluded. Oh, and Sigurd?” Algar shot a smirk at him. “Have no fear. I’ll personally see to it that your friend Edric hears of this. Can’t wait to see what he thinks.”

Sheathing his weapon, Algar swiftly walked over to his horse and prepared to return to the castle, dousing the brazier’s fire with a splash of water from the river.

Meanwhile, his men wrapped a cloth around Sigurd’s mouth and secured him with an abundance of ropes, ensuring that the man couldn’t move. Afterwards, they hauled him up from the ground and threw him over the back of one of their mounts, rendering him completely defenseless.

Sigurd was terrified right now. He had no idea what Algar intended to do with him, nor if Aegenwulf would spare him a second time -- and considering the fact that Gjuki could’ve been dead, he assumed he had lost his only chance to discover what the housecarl was doing behind closed doors.

Everything was going to hell.

Not only would he be a prisoner of Algar’s now, his identity would also be exposed to everyone in Forangal. They would learn his real name, and finally hear the truth of his cryptic background. Edric would believe that his clan was responsible for the death of his brother, and the trust that they had built thus far would crumble into ash.

Blood of Tyr, Sigurd thought to himself. What on earth had done? Would he even survive this next week?

How was he going to contact Eivor now? Were Gjuki’s people aware of what was happening? Surely, Eivor would realize something was amiss with the bard’s disappearance.

Or perhaps... he would just assume they were dead. Hope was in short supply nowadays due to everything going on in the war, and it wasn’t much of a stretch to believe that Sigurd had been killed whilst in the hands of Saxon enemies. Eivor probably had many other things to worry about at the moment, and the viking could only pray that his brother would be vigilant enough to notice that something had gone wrong.

Otherwise... Sigurd didn’t know what else he would do. There weren’t many chances to escape in a situation like this, and the odds were heavily stacked against him.

Right now, his only option seemed to be compliance. He imagined his stay with Algar would simply worsen if he fought back, and any defiance would’ve surely swayed Aegenwulf towards a less forgiving approach.

Edric was the one person who had any hope of changing the ealdorman’s mind, and just like before, Sigurd had no choice but to rely on the young man’s help.

He was the only one who could’ve saved him now, and unless his view of the viking changed after hearing Algar’s report, Sigurd hoped he would be able to see reason.

There was something deeper connecting the two of them, and now, after all this time, he would finally see for himself if it ever actually meant anything.

#assassin's creed valhalla #ac valhalla #sigurd styrbjornson #male oc #sigurd x male oc #ac valhalla fanfic #eitr

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agentrouka-blog · 4 years

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Hey! Wat your opinion on Jon not giving a thought on Sansa supposed marriage to Tyrion but actually dwell on how he trusted Tyrion n can't accept him killing his father. While Sansa comes to know about Jon being LC she thought how it would be sweet but Jon not once thinking about her marriage n supposed allegation about kinslaying. Yes she is far from him then but he could actually give a thought about how is she. Even Arya thought it'd stupid for Sansa to marry n kill the king.

The way he thinks of Tyrion is actually a pretty interesting thing.

I get longwinded.

After Tyrion departs the Wall, Jon thinks well of him:

He could think here, and he found himself thinking of Samwell Tarly … and, oddly, of Tyrion Lannister. He wondered what Tyrion would have made of the fat boy. Most men would rather deny a hard truth than face it, the dwarf had told him, grinning. The world was full of cravens who pretended to be heroes; it took a queer sort of courage to admit to cowardice as Samwell Tarly had. (AGOT, Jon IV)

He actively remembers him, even considers his advice, like he is a mentor to him.

"Lady Stark is not my mother," Jon reminded him sharply. Tyrion Lannister had been a friend to him. If Lord Eddard was killed, she would be as much to blame as the queen. "My lord, what of my sisters? Arya and Sansa, they were with my father, do you know—" (AGOT, Jon VII)

He finds it easy to take his side over Catelyn’s, no questions asked. (Boy, dude, I get why, but that’s some serious bias there, Jon. Calm the hell down.) But here, Tyrion is a “friend to him”.

Still, from that point on it’s crickets chirping with regard to Tyrion. Likely, the fact that the Lannisters are waging war on his family does have some effect on Jon’s fondness for Tyrion.

"Who was your mother?"

"Some woman. Most of them are." Someone had said that to him once. He did not remember who. (ACOK, Jon VI)

It had been Tyrion. Pretty telling when you consider how eager he was to contemplate his advice earlier. He doesn’t remember, i.e. probably has blocked out who said it.

"I don't even know who my mother was," Jon said.

"Some woman, no doubt. Most of them are." He favored Jon with a rueful grin. "Remember this, boy. All dwarfs may be bastards, yet not all bastards need be dwarfs." And with that he turned and sauntered back into the feast, whistling a tune. When he opened the door, the light from within threw his shadow clear across the yard, and for just a moment Tyrion Lannister stood tall as a king. (AGOT, Jon I)

So, a brief flicker of memory and then it’s silence on the subject for two entire books.

This is the first and only time Jon thinks of Tyrion again:

"It is not my intent to choose any side," said Jon, "but I am not as certain of the outcome of this war as you seem to be, my lord. Not with Lord Tywin dead." If the tales coming up the kingsroad could be believed, the King's Hand had been murdered by his dwarf son whilst sitting on a privy. Jon had known Tyrion Lannister, briefly. He took my hand and named me friend. It was hard to believe the little man had it in him to murder his own sire, but the fact of Lord Tywin's demise seemed to be beyond doubt. "The lion in King's Landing is a cub, and the Iron Throne has been known to cut grown men to ribbons." (ADWD, Jon III)

“He named me friend.” That’s a marked difference to “he had been a friend to him”. He “had known him briefly”. That’s quite distancing. The friendship, the entire relationship is regarded with a cool, retrospective distance. Jon is much more mature and he certainly has reason to think of Tyrion as an object of extreme ambivalence. So he most certainly does not dwell on the fact that he trusts Tyrion.

Still, you are right. Jon never actively thinks about the fact that this dude is theoretically his brother-in-law. Married to his sister.

What does Jon think about Sansa’s suffering and marriage and disappearance? We don’t have a clue.

He doesn’t directly think about Sansa’s plight in KL at all beyond one brief flicker in the very beginning:

That flicker and Jon’s general attitude toward Sansa, though, tells us that he most certainly cares. He simply avoids the thought.

From that point on, Jon mentions Sansa exactly 8 times in the span of four books.

Once in contemplation of breathtaking natural beauty:

So there is magic beyond the Wall after all. He found himself thinking of his sisters, perhaps because he'd dreamed of them last night. Sansa would call this an enchantment, and tears would fill her eyes at the wonder of it, but Arya would run out laughing and shouting, wanting to touch it all. (ACOK, Jon III)

Once in the context of courtly treatment of ladies:

"That's pretty." He remembered Sansa telling him once that he should say that whenever a lady told him her name. (ACOK, Jon III)

Once enumerated with the rest of his family to Mance Rayder in stark contrast to his own bastard status (ASOS, Jon I):

“Then you saw us all. Prince Joffrey and Prince Tommen, Princess Myrcella, my brothers Robb and Bran and Rickon, my sisters Arya and Sansa. You saw them walk the center aisle with every eye upon them and take their seats at the table just below the dais where the king and queen were seated.” “I remember.” “And did you see where I was seated, Mance?” He leaned forward. “Did you see where they put the bastard?” (ASOS, Jon I)

Once in terms of her claim to Winterfell, guilt and devastating loss:

Winterfell would go to Robb and then his sons, or to Bran or Rickon should Robb die childless. And after them came Sansa and Arya. Even to dream otherwise seemed disloyal, as if he were betraying them in his heart, wishing for their deaths. I never wanted this, he thought as he stood before the blue-eyed king and the red woman. I loved Robb, loved all of them . . . I never wanted any harm to come to any of them, but it did. And now there's only me. (ASOS, Jon XI)

One unnamed, indirect mention, that again implies he considers her to be dead.

“Gods, wolf, where have you been?” Jon said when Ghost stopped worrying at his forearm. “I thought you’d died on me, like Robb and Ygritte and all the rest. I’ve had no sense of you, not since I climbed the Wall, not even in dreams.” (ASOS, Jon XII)

So let it sink in that Jon refuses to take Sansa’s birthright even when he thinks she may well be dead.

He mentions her again in terms of her claim to Winterfell, where he blatantly doesn’t react to the fact that she was married to Tyrion, but it is implied this was something he has discussed with Stannis, or would have things to say about.

“By right Winterfell should go to my sister Sansa.” “Lady Lannister, you mean? Are you so eager to see the Imp perched on your father’s seat? I promise you, that will not happen whilst I live, Lord Snow.” Jon knew better than to press the point. (ADWD, Jon I)

Jon knows better because this is something they do more than once. More than we are shown. GRRM is intentionally hiding the details of Jon’s thoughts.

“(...) Which would you have as Lord of Winterfell, Snow? The smiler or the slayer?"

Jon said, "Winterfell belongs to my sister Sansa."

"I have heard all I need to hear of Lady Lannister and her claim." The king set the cup aside. “You could bring the north to me. Your father’s bannermen would rally to the son of Eddard Stark. Even Lord Too-Fat-to-Sit-a-Horse. White Harbor would give me a ready source of supply and a secure base to which I could retreat at need. It is not too late to amend your folly, Snow. Take a knee and swear that bastard sword to me, and rise as Jon Stark, Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North.” How many times will he make me say it? “My sword is sworn to the Night’s Watch.” Stannis looked disgusted. “Your father was a stubborn man as well. Honor, he called it. Well, honor has its costs, as Lord Eddard learned to his sorrow. If it gives you any solace, Horpe and Massey are doomed to disappointment. I am more inclined to bestow Winterfell upon Arnolf Karstark. A good northman.” “A northman.” Better a Karstark than a Bolton or a Greyjoy, Jon told himself, but the thought gave him little solace. (ADWD, Jon IV)

So, seriously, Jon does think Sansa is dead or thoroughly lost because he doesn’t categorically refute Stannis’ attempt to bestow the seat on someone else. He doesn’t recommend that Stannis try and find Sansa. She is completely beyond reach. We are given no reason to believe he considers her to be alive. He merely refuses to place himself anywhere in the succession, emphasizes her claim and his lack of it. Jon and Stannis have done this multiple times before, it is implied. So Jon has thought about this in depth, we are simply not made privy to his thoughts.

It is simply not true that Jon doesn’t think about this.

He thinks and talks about this and, given how Stannis emphasizes “Lady Lannister” and Tyrion’s connection to Sansa’s claim, and Jon just doesn’t even react, we can infer that Jon internally thoroughly rejects that marriage, its validity and its implications for Winterfell. Jon is not on board with Tyrion as Sansa’s husband. He probably has a very clear understanding of how Sansa was forced into it, and the only thing he may be ambivalent about is Tyrion’s complicity in this act, and how villainous he may have been toward Sansa. But there was never anything Jon could do about any of it.

I think, the simple answer, APART from the fact that GRRM is clearly withholding Jon’s actual thoughts and conversations on the subject of her marriage, is that Jon avoids thinking about Sansa’s pain because it is painful to him, and there is a special helplessness attached to it, because he doesn’t have a plethora of shared interactions to weigh against that.

He can think of Robb and Arya in terms of pain and strength and guilt and cheer because he shared those things with them.

Sansa? Is a completely different animal. Sansa is an unanswered question, a figure out of reach, known through sparse interaction, distant observation. Admiration, yes, but mostly experienced from afar or through the grumpy filter of his beloved little bundle of envy and frustration: baby sister Arya. Arya talks to Jon about Sansa, Arya talks to Sansa about Jon. He knows her, but they are not familiar. She’s something soft and romantic in his head, what does he know of how she deals with pain and abuse?

The final time Jon thinks of Sansa is in the context of home, childhood, Winterfell, love.

While it is often put into context with Jon’s death, these are not the final, peaceful imaginings of a dying man, this is Jon spurred to action by the thought of his siblings, the thought of his pack, the people he loves the very most in the world. Ned’s not there, Ygritte is no more than a fleeting mentor-quote on the level of Maester Aemon, Samwell is not there. Only his pack. One of them is alive, within his reach, dependent on his action. He has the means, he has the pretext to break out of the letter of his vows. Not to take their claim but to save one of them:

"I won't say you're wrong. What do you mean to do, crow?"

Jon flexed the fingers of his sword hand. The Night's Watch takes no part. He closed his fist and opened it again. What you propose is nothing less than treason. He thought of Robb, with snowflakes melting in his hair. Kill the boy and let the man be born. He thought of Bran, clambering up a tower wall, agile as a monkey. Of Rickon's breathless laughter. Of Sansa, brushing out Lady's coat and singing to herself. You know nothing, Jon Snow. He thought of Arya, her hair as tangled as a bird's nest. I made him a warm cloak from the skins of the six whores who came with him to Winterfell … I want my bride back … I want my bride back … I want my bride back …

"I think we had best change the plan," Jon Snow said.

They talked for the best part of two hours. (ADWD, Jon XIII)

This is Jon considering the essence of his most beloved people. His final moments with them. His heaviest association with them.

With Sansa, it’s another moment of romantic tranquility, observed from afar.

Even if in passing, that is an active choice on Jon’s part, to observe Sansa from afar, to such a degree that he knows how she would react to certain things. It implies an attachment, a desire to know her, a certain fascination.

I think much of their relationship entails the things we see Jon think about Sansa: a romantic attachment to natural beauty, a thorough awareness of status differences, an observation of chivalry and courtesies, an unquestioned place in the context of his pack, and a staunch willingness to defend her even beyond hope. A love at a distance, a love without familiarity, but a genuine love.

So this was a long and rambling way of saying that I think it’s mostly GRRM trying to hide their relationship from view, that it’s Jon suppressing painful thoughts he has no way of processing, that he is no longer fond of Tyrion and that the sum total of his few thoughts of Sansa are actually immensely positive and promising in a Jonsa context.

#asoiaf #jon snow #Sansa Stark #tyrion lannister #jonsa

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cavehags · 5 years

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do you have any articles you’ve read that accurately explain why you hate weddings and why they’re bad for women? i agree but i find it so hard to put in words so i need some ref

anon I want to have these resources for you!!! I do!!! but I have never found many compelling articles on this topic, and not for lack of trying. so I’m gonna try and gather up the ammo myself by going topic-by-topic, if I can. my hope is to give a holistic view of just some of the many, many harms marriage imposes on women. cw sexual assault, pedophilia, misogyny, abuse, basically everything bad.

i think a lot of people see marriage the way it’s practiced by 20- to 30-somethings in the coastal united states today as pretty much the only relevant snapshot of the tradition. if you’re a certain type of person, weddings make marriage look pretty good! most people enjoy lavish parties that someone else paid for. and almost everyone has, knowingly or not, been exposed to a lot of propaganda that states that a wedding is the happiest day of a couple’s life, that women in particular are or deserve to be in a state of bliss on their wedding day, and that all the trappings associated with weddings, from purchasing expensive dresses to purchasing expensive tablecloths, are fun expressions of the couple’s creative side. obviously this is marketing dialed up to eleven and none of it is true. further, people like to argue that because brides tend to take the more active role in wedding planning, therefore weddings are in some way a feminist practice (????). this is total nonsense. for a start, weddings put women on display as physical objects–just think of how much marketing goes into the idea that a bride should look perfect on her wedding day, with a dedicated stylist and hairstylist, a team of friends and relatives to get her dressed, and a dress that cost at least $1,600 on average (i’m not linking to theknot dot com but trust me, that’s what it says). don’t forget that there will be a photographer and a videographer there to capture the bride at her most beautiful. and you only have to google “wedding crash diet” to see how how beauty standards of thin bodies are a singular focus of obsession by the wedding industry.

putting women on display for their physical apperance disturbs me. enforcing the idea that finding a man produces the most beautiful day of a woman’s life also disturbs me. and marketing that pretends that the happiness of a couple is in some way connected to how much they spend on a big, dumb, sexist party also disturbs me. but that’s just weddings.

i could put aside my issue with weddings if weddings weren’t just the first day of marriage. because my real issue is with marriage. so anon, i’m going to take you on a tour of everything that sickens me about marriage to put all my wedding hatred into context for you.

marriage is an ancient practice and misogyny is embedded in basically every variant of marriage ever practiced in the world. the commercialized, commodified weddings practiced by affluent couples in the west today just put some gloss and propaganda on the old tradition. but the skeleton of the tradition is really fucking ugly and hateful towards women. and the more you examine how marriage plays out today, the more you see that that hasn’t gone away. and it never will.

let’s start with the basics. historically, marriage as an institution has reinforced the myth of male superiority by giving tangible structure to what was previously just a notion–the notion of gender roles. if a home contains one man and one woman (often a girl, really, but i’ll get to that), then it naturally follows that a man’s role is to contribute x, y and z to the household, while women contribute… uh, a through w at the very least. and often x, y and z too. so you’re immediately left with a society where men are expected to be active and women are expected to be passive. that mandated passivity erodes choice and freedom and consent.

many forms of early marriage permitted men to have multiple wives while women were of course tied to their one husband. across the board, the minimum legal age for marriage has been lower for girls than for men, since long before anyone understood fertility patterns; though it may have been stated in some cases that this is because women “mature faster,” the real reason is that men were expected to have established themselves and their wives were expected to be young, inexperienced and virginal. across the world, married women have often been treated as if the act of marrying a man symbolizes passing from one guardian to another; this is clear even from an extremely common ritual still practiced today–the changing of the bride’s last name to match her husband’s. and worldwide and throughout histories, legal systems have granted husbands the right to control their wives and everything in their orbit. this includes the practice of marital rape.

girls and women have always been denied choices and agency through the constraints of marriage. child marriage is an obvious example. in many parts of the world, girls as young as seven years old (which was the minimum in the united states in 1880, btw) have been forced to marry adult men. marriage is the only cultural ritual practiced in large numbers today that transforms what would be viewed as sexual assault on a child one day to a private family matter the next. child marriage is slavery and still takes place in 50+ countries today, including the US. child brides, who are often from poor families, are thrust out of their homes generally because their parents are looking to eliminate the financial burden of raising a girl. but in their new marriages, they are subject to violent rape and domestic violence, dangerously young pregnancies that put fatal stress on their developing bodies, and a host of inequalities in the law that permit their husbands to do whatever they want with them. marrying eliminates any chance of a young girl enjoying her childhood or pursuing an education. her life prospects are reduced to a short lifetime of unpaid domestic labor and sex she can’t consent to.

further, marriage between partners of any age is wrapped up in the idea that men must control women and girls’ sexuality. some have argued that the practice of marriage is commonplace for no other reason than to keep women’s sexuality in check. naturally, then, what we’re left with is a longstanding tradition of marital rape. throughout history, in many places, rape of a married woman was legally considered a crime against her husband and not the victim herself, as she was his property. extending that logic reveals that no husband could be found guilty of assaulting his property. so marital rape was commonplace, and was not even viewed to be a crime in many parts of the world until the twentieth century. through marriage and the misogynistic laws surrounding it, a very chilling sentiment was normalized: the concept that men are entitled to sex with the women in their lives. that perspective has not yet been fully destabilized. in a 2018 study of 4,000 british adults, a quarter of participants reported that they don’t believe marital rape is rape.

some other quick hits… the extremely widespread practices of paying dowries and bride prices further reinforce how marriage is understood as a transaction over a woman. and i wouldn’t want to overlook how the structured gender roles enforced through marriage resulted in trapping generations of women inside their home, where they were expected to do all the household labor and reproduce for as long as their bodies could support it. think of all the work those women could have done in the world, and all the worldly experiences that they might have had, if they were not trapped in their homes based on the idea that only their husbands had the right to experience the world.

marriage is a religious tradition that was eventually adopted by the state. but we already know that many religions were constructed by and to the advantage of men, and they are full of quite misogynistic traditions, including the ideology that shaped marriage rituals over the centuries. the state recognizes marriage and grants certain privileges to married couples that others don’t have access to. often these privileges can be life-saving, as in the case of the benefits pertaining to medical insurance. the legalization of gay marriage, and before that, interracial marriage, expanded the prospects of who was eligible to reap those benefits. however, there will always be limitations on who can enjoy those benefits–and use them to survive–so long as they are extended to married couples only.

and then suppose that a woman has decided that she’s seen enough injustice in her marriage and she would like to divorce. research shows that women face a great deal of gender-based scrutiny in divorce courts, and when men sue for custody–which occurs in a minority of cases–they generally win. and in cases of abuse, divorce is a costly obstacle to a woman escaping with her freedom. some abused women have said that the time-intensive process of divorce put them off of leaving. the regimented structure of marriage was a trap that subjected those women to a greater degree of violence.

so! all this being said, i am adamantly against marriage. i cannot see a version of the practice that doesn’t just slap a shiny coat of paint over a violent tradition that has restricted women’s rights to a horrifying degree and continues to do so today. so when i see weddings treated as romantic and aspirational and objects of envy in the media, i’m left feeling disgusted that this tradition is so often painted as good for women. wedding magazines are marketed to us. there are new startups emerging every day that promise to make the wedding-planning process easier, more fun, more romantic. i just can’t see the romance in women’s continued subjugation.

anyway. i hope this was helpful. there are lots of BOOKS you can read with plenty of history on marriage: i just read who cooked the last supper?: the women’s history of the world by rosalind miles and there’s in depth discussion of the many abuses women were subject to under the laws governing marriage. you might even look to the wikipedia page for criticism of marriage to start more research.

#wedding hate #also believe it or not i wrote this mostly in a stream of consciousness so my ability to entertain counterarguments is quite limited #and along the same lines - any fractured sentences are one hundred percent my b #marriage

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ariainstars · 4 years

Text

Did Princess Leia Love Her Son?

Warning: long post. (And possible unpopular opinions ahead.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This entry is slightly more personal than my others; I might be kicking up some dust but I will try to approach a subject that to most people is unthinkable. I went through psychical abuse for decades, so I believe I know what I’m talking about.

Some mothers don’t love their children.

I am aware that most people on this planet are convinced that a mother, any mother, will love her child no matter what. Unfortunately, the idea is seen through very rose-tinted glasses.

Some mothers don’t love their children because they can’t.

The reasons can vary - honestly, I don’t see many parallels between Leia and my own mother. But I know the signs. And the more I think about it the more I get the distinct impression that Leia did not love for her son, if we define “love” as the faith in someone’s goodness. Padmé knew that there still was good in her husband until her last breath, and Luke believed the same of Vader, even though his father had done nothing but hunting and terrorizing him and his friends. Leia, on the contrary, feared her son since before he was born, and her conviction of his evil nature never abated although he never hurt anyone for many years. The fact that her fear runs so deep says volumes; even more so when we consider that she is the only one who did not directly get hurt by him. Han was stabbed through by his son, before Chewie’s eyes; and Luke was left by his nephew for dead, even if the tragedy at the temple had not been intentional on Ben’s side (see The Rise of Kylo Ren by Charles Soule, the story therein is officially part of the canon).

I anticipate, again, that I think one of the sequel’s worst faults was to explain so little and leave so much to the audience to deduce from things unsaid, hints, and parallel situations throughout the saga. (One of the reasons being, I guess, the release of The Last Jedi: we saw from the general audience’s reactions on social media what can happen when unpopular though realistic things are said.)

Leia - A Princess Without a Realm

Let us recapitulate what we know about Leia. She grew up serene and protected on a beautiful planet with adoptive parents who loved her and gave her a good education. She is an intelligent, confident woman, strong in her ideals and beliefs. She never shows fear or sorrow, not even when her home planet is blown up before her eyes, when she is held prisoner and tortured, when she has to watch the man she loves being frozen in carbonite before her eyes, when she finds her brother crippled, when she is held by a disgusting lecher like Jabba, or when she learns that Vader is her own father.

Being raised a princess, Leia was probably taught very strong self-control: no matter what she had to endure, she never buckled down or lost her countenance. It cannot be denied however that much of her adult life was traumatic. What we euphemistically see as “adventures” and “all’s well that ends well” in the classic films would leave any person with a huge post-traumatic stress disorder; and Star Wars is, as far as I can judge, a psychologically well-studied story.

From the novels we learn that Han and Leia got married shortly after the battle of Endor, and that their son was born about a year later. One year is not much to recover after a war that cost so many lives and made all of them suffer so much. Han was probably more resilient than the twins due to the life he led before he met them; but he had been through a lot, too. Even if they loved their son with parental instinct, they both were not ready for the task of parenthood. And Ben was not an easy child: from his adult self we can deduce that he was always oversensitive and very intelligent. His family, like many well-meaning families, chose his future (his profession, we might say) and never explained his family’s past to him. But like any child with an emotional nature, Ben sensed that something was wrong about him; he did not know what it was since nobody told him about his grandfather; and wanting desperately to be loved, he began to blame himself, accepting the connotation “I am a monster” since he was still a child.

Leia had felt both her son’s power in the Force and Snoke’s influence on his mind since he was still in her womb. Let us only try to imagine the horror she must have felt, knowing that a new Darth Vader might come from her! It is difficult to say for whom she feared most - her son, herself or the galaxy at large. Leia was adamant that he had to become a Jedi, hence her quarrels with her husband, which their son sometimes overheard. But since he was ultimately sent to training with his uncle, he also understood that his father had not managed to prevent his being sent away, like a defective item that needed to be fixed.

Kylo told Rey that “Han would have disappointed her” and later said to her and Finn “Han Solo can’t protect you”: so, he obviously felt Han had come short of a father’s primary duty, i.e. keeping his child safe. Let us remember for a moment how crucially important this message always was through the saga: Shmi let her son, the only thing that had made her happy, join the Jedi so he could be free. Owen and Beru sacrificed themselves to prevent the Imperial stormtroopers from finding Luke together with the droid. Anakin betrayed the Jedi order in his despair to keep his family (wife and unborn children) safe. And Ben fell to the dark not due to Snoke’s influence, he resisted him for over twenty years; he only rebelled and left his uncle’s temple after an attempt on his safety.

We do not learn (to my knowledge) whether Ben was in contact with his parents during his years at Luke’s temple. It is not mentioned however, so I assume that even if he was, nothing noticeable happened. Han sees his son again when he is a grown man… and I find it interesting that the scene has a sexual connotation. Ben does not notice his old man at all, although he can sense him in the Force (later on Starkiller Base he does), he only cares about securing Rey. And Han sees him carrying her away like a bride, probably wondering how his little boy grew to be this unknown, dark, hooded figure, who wreaks terror on Takodana yet is surprisingly gentle with a girl.

From The Rise of Kylo Ren we learn that Ben had not intentionally caused the fire at his uncle’s temple; but he had been blamed for it by his surviving fellow students and chased by them off the planet. In TFA, we learn Leia did not doubt for one moment that Luke’s narration of the night at the temple was true. She blamed Snoke, but it never occurred to her that Ben might be innocent - her own son. She did not try to communicate once in all the years he was Kylo Ren but left him alone while he damned his soul committing crime after crime. Luke never told her the truth, even when he met her again one last time, and she did not question it. Leia did send her estranged husband to “get their son back”, but obviously she did not consider actively participating in this task. We only see mother and son “interact” emotionally from time to time; they never meet and never talk. Ben sees his father, has a conversation with him, Han even touches him; Luke does not touch him and they don’t exactly have a dialogue, but at least they meet. To me, that is significant.

When mother and son sense one another on two different ships at the beginning of The Last Jedi, Leia’s mind is perfectly silent. We merely see that Ben feels his mother is aboard, which makes him pull his finger from the trigger. But his expression changes: from belligerent and angry, he becomes vulnerable, shy. He even looks more boyish. Ben is aware that his mother disapproves of his choices, but he has no chance to explain to her how things could come this far.

„You can’t go back to her now. Just like I can’t.” Kylo (intending Leia) to Rey in The Rise of Skywalker

Leia does not know her son. She wants him back “home”, but to her, that means fighting by her side; it does not occur to her that her son is fighting for his life, that he became a war criminal without having wanted it, and that he can’t simply go back and put himself to trial: he is aware that nobody would believe him. Fatalism caught up with him and his family the way it already had with Anakin. His mother and uncle always felt that he was doomed; and since they believed it, the galaxy at large believes it, too. Snoke knew that by pushing Ben to patricide he would shut all remaining doors for his apprentice - nothing but self-hatred left for him, no way to go back even if he had found the courage. What was he supposed to do, go back and say, “Hi mom, sorry I killed dad (your husband)”? It baffles me to this day how many fans believe that he that he “chose the Dark Side” and that he could just as easily switch sides, like nothing had happened.

Leia never trusted anyone who was not on her side. In ANH she immediately hit it off with Luke, who not surprisingly turns out to be her twin brother; and as we learn in TFA, she and Han fought all through their marriage, though that didn’t prevent them from loving one another. Leia either expects someone to think the way she does, or to be only just so different that she can keep him in check.

“Han - don’t do it.” “Do what?” “Whatever you have in mind - just don’t do it!” Han and Leia in The Force Awakens

This reaches a sad and somehow grotesque turn when Leia takes Rey as her apprentice. With her brother dead, Leia is the only one left to do it; and though it is understandable that someone must carry on the Jedi knowledge, I myself would be extremely wary of training a girl who is none other than the flesh and blood of the man I fought against for years and who caused so much death and terror throughout the entire galaxy.

Leia had not met Palpatine though; her horror of the Dark Side was embodied by Vader, who had imprisoned and tortured her, forced her to watch while her home planet was blown up before her eyes, frozen her boyfriend in carbonite and maimed her brother. Leia never forgave Vader, and even if unconsciously, she probably blamed him for having somehow come back in the son she was carrying. I doubt whether Luke ever talked to his sister about Vader and told her about the broken, sad old man he found behind the mask. There is nothing suggesting that they did, and besides Luke and Leia both do not seem to me like two people very prone to introspection, they always look to the future. (Which is of course a good thing, but then again denying traumata always backfires.)

„Skywalker, still looking to the horizon. Never here… The need in front of your nose.” Yoda in The Last Jedi

Leia did not want to repeat with Rey the mistakes she had made with Ben and that’s good and well; however, she feared her son but was not in the least afraid of Rey. Maybe she “always knew who Rey was”, but she obviously never knew who her own son was. As Count Dooku once said to Obi-Wan, the Dark Side clouded her judgement - preventing her from seeing the human in Ben, and from seeing the monster in Rey. This is not due to their respective bloodlines, but because Rey’s uncompromising attitude is familiar to Leia, while her son’s stormy, questioning mind is unfamiliar and frightening to her.

Though Leia did not actively order Rey to kill Kylo, they were on opposite sides of the war; and Rey practically kills him with his own mother’s help and thanks to her training. Both women know what they are doing and they are acting on their own initiative. Obi-Wan and Yoda also had wanted to groom Luke into killing Anakin, but this one was not aware of his connection to him; and Obi-Wan in particular was not plotting against his own flesh and blood, even though he did raise Anakin like a younger brother.

Comparing Leia with the other Star Wars mothers makes her failure even more evident. Shmi was an ordinary slave, probably not even learned, but she raised her son to be a good boy and always believed in him; giving him away was a sacrifice for her. Her son was everything she had, which is why she gave him so much in return. Leia has her background as a princess, her military and political career, her husband, her brother, her friends: so, of course her son wasn’t everything for her. Leia gave Ben away hoping that Luke would form him into a powerful ally for her Cause. The mistake both women made was thinking that growing up as Jedi would be good for their sons. When Anakin left his mother, he had everything to gain: freedom, a place in life, and (he hoped) the chance to come back and free his mother as well. When Ben left home, he had everything to lose: his family to which he most probably had no contact, his wish of becoming a pilot, the chance of a family of his own since a Jedi is not supposed to get married. The ways of the Jedi let each of them down, although their backgrounds couldn’t differ more.

Many fans criticize that in RotS Padmé, the brilliant strategist and brave fighter of the first two prequel films, is ostensibly reduced to “barefoot and pregnant”. It is true that Padmé has laid down her mandate and of course she wants to protect her unborn, but that does not make her passive: shortly after having witnessed a political putsch and with it the end of all her political aims, she walks into the lion’s den on Mustafar, vulnerable and alone, to get her husband out of there, although she was told that he committed a carnage at the Jedi Temple and knew that he was capable of that (years prior, he had told her about the Tusken village himself). But she still believed in him.

There is an obscure flashback scene in The Rise of Skywalker, where during their training Leia says to Luke that she will become a Jedi only on the death of her son. This makes perfect sense: a Jedi always must face his own darkness to finish his training. Being in a way the reincarnation of her father, her son is her Dark Side, the one she refuses to face. Leia already knows or senses that she and her son will be on opposite sides, and that in order to become a Jedi and become one with the Force, she will have to confront her own child. The act is physically carried out by Rey’s hand: Rey was her pupil, she was like an adopted daughter in her son’s stead to her, Leia had sent her on the mission to retrieve the wayfinder, she was the one who called Ben when they were dueling, so in a way, it actually is Leia who kills Ben. It is her incapacity to love her son for being himself, as a person and not as a projection of her own darkness, that causes his tragic fate.

Leia is oddly distanced from her son; she expects him to deliver, i.e. become a good Jedi, or at least submit himself to her mercy. She never understood his dilemma in the slightest - that he never wished to be a Jedi, and that he also had not wanted to become an evil warlord but was pushed into it when there was nothing left for him to do. He had to become a Jedi or nothing; she would not have accepted him simply for being himself (the way his father did).

Ben - Child and Grandchild Of War

Leia and Luke fail to rebuild the “better world” of the Old Republic because they both don’t acknowledge that this world does no longer exist and that it can’t be restored. Leia is a princess, but Alderaan is gone; Luke is the last Jedi, and the Jedi are extinct. It is their refusal to accept that the past is over that ultimately leads both of them to disaster. And in a way, Ben understands that the way Luke does, eventually.

“Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It’s the only way to become what you were meant to be.” Kylo Ren in The Last Jedi “It’s time for the Jedi to end.” Luke Skywalker in The Last Jedi

Ben is a child and grandchild of war; both generations before him had to watch people they cared or were responsible for suffer and die. He grows up in a period of peace, but like any child whose parents have not overcome war traumata, their pain is handed down to him like a cursed heritage. His family keeps him warm and fed, clothed and instructed, but they fail capitally when it comes to his emotional needs; as for any questions he may have, they choose to simply ignore them. They fail him long before the disaster at Luke’s temple: it is only the last drop. Like Anakin before him, he feels betrayed, abandoned and left behind by the ones whom he chiefly ought to be able to put his trust into.

We are confronted over and over with the strength of the Light in Ben: even when he commits the patricide he hates what he is doing, and afterwards he is traumatized, his self-hatred deeper than ever. While Anakin projected his anger and frustration to the outside, Ben will rather hate himself. But their emotional reaction to their mothers are the same - both could not be by their mothers’ side in her dying moment, and both feel like they let her down, taking the blame on themselves.

Remember how Ben turns around immediately, on the Death Star ruin, right in the middle of a fight with the girl he loves, who is in the throes of the Dark Side, who he wants to protect from herself at all costs - all because his mother calls him? It looks like she is trying to prevent him from doing evil; but if that is the case, it only proves how little she understands him. Her son was not doing anything bad, on the contrary, he had found the girl whom she herself had trained under the influence of her own malignant self, and was trying to make her reason and accept herself instead of projecting her fears and her anger onto him.

“The Dark Side is in our nature. Surrender to it.“ Kylo Ren in The Rise of Skywalker

In TFA, Han faced his son personally; on that fatal bridge on Starkiller base Ben at first walked away from him although he sensed him, when Han called him he did not turn around, and he resisted Snoke’s order to kill him as long as he could; he would not have managed to do it had Han not understood what was going on and allowed his son to kill him so he could save his soul with his forgiveness and unconditional love.

On the bridge of the ruins of the second Death Star, Ben does not struggle at all when his mother calls him. Maybe because he feels that she’s dying; but I also believe that it was what he had waited for all along - his mother finally reaching out to him. In that moment his fate is sealed: Rey stabs him through, annihilating his Kylo Ren persona. From now on, he’s Ben, the name his mother called him by. This is the moment of his redemption and also the beginning of his end.

Ben did need Kylo. Kylo Ren was his Dark Side, and like his grandfather Anakin, Ben Solo was meant to be the Balance. We could already have guessed, in this moment, that he was not meant to survive; in order to live he ought to have learned to reconcile both parts of himself, Light and Dark, not to shed one of them. His moments of heroism on Exegol, thought few, show us how powerful he can be when he is in balance. But neither Rey nor Leia (or Han, for that matter) ever acknowledged Kylo’s right to exist, or understood the importance of Balance for lasting peace.

This scene just proves how desperate Ben was for his mother’s approval. All it needed was one gesture, one word. He did not want to be a Jedi; my guess is that he accepted to be his uncle’s apprentice in hopes that this would teach him to become more the kind of man his mother wanted him to be. Luke was an unreachable role model before his eyes; no matter what he did, Ben was always aware that he could not come up to his standard. Luke was a galactic legend, a savior, a saint-like figure ever since Ben was a child, and Ben neither was that way nor did he want to: in his heart, Ben is a normal boy who wants to be seen as a person. Anakin and Luke were affectionate and searching for emotional connection, too, but both also wanted to prove themselves. Ben does not strike me at all as being ambitious. He is neither truly hero nor villain but, in the first place, someone who wants to love and be loved. He wants to live his own life, make his own choices, have control over his own fate, protect his dignity as a human being and as a man. This is often misinterpreted as being “power-hungry”, but to me, these are very natural desires. And he has to carve his own way; he can’t simply embrace the path of the follower, because he is by nature both blessed and cursed with an extraordinary power which sets him apart from others. This is nobody’s fault. And it is much more frustrating for him than for the world around him, where, each in his way, everybody seems to think “If only he would behave!”

Ben is aware of the fact that he never was first for anyone in his life. His parents and uncle were much more attached to one another than to him. Ben is someone who tries so hard to change, only to realize over and over that it’s not enough. And this reaches a sad and terrible peak that night at the Jedi temple, when he has to learn that despite all his efforts, Luke thinks he would be better off dead. No wonder all of his anger and frustration come to the surface when he sees his uncle again on Crait, this is obviously a rage born from a conflict of long standing. From his point of view, Luke destroyed his life. And although Luke had not wanted that, it cannot be denied that in a way he did, and worse, that he ran from his guilt instead of trying to repair the damage.

The alternative, Ben has to find out, is not better though: the Knights of Ren and Snoke make him give up all the rest of what he is, and Snoke keeps demanding more - the ultimate sacrifice of his father, the person who was closest to him, by his own hand.

I am aware that many fans find Kylo / Ben “embarrassing” due to his emotional tantrums. His mother, his father or uncle, or his grandfather would never have behaved like this! When they killed someone, it always had style, so it was justified… even if Kylo’s tantrums are directed towards machinery and not taken on people. Few seem to consider that he is not “immature and childish”: he is a man who was pushed to the limits of emotional endurance throughout his life. (This is also a bit personal for me - I know situations like that from own experience, smashing household articles simply because I couldn’t take it anymore. Lifelong abuse is no laughing matter.)

Ben is in a vicious circle: his strong emotionality makes him vulnerable, the abuse makes him even more emotionally unsteady, and so it goes on and on. He has no way out, except for the faint hope to find someone who will see him as a person at last.

“I have no choice and I never did... Whether it’s Luke Skywalker or Snoke, neither one sees me as a person. I’m just a legacy, a set of expectations.” Ben Solo in The Rise of Kylo Ren, 4

That Ben loves both his mother and Rey despite the fact that one took the other as her apprentice and the other uses this training to kill him only proves the depth of his dedication. At no time we see him being jealous towards Rey, or angry at his mother because of her double standard. Ben’s love for his mother is unconditional. And his love is also unconditional for Rey, whose soul and body he saves giving up his own although she took everything from him, including his life the moment he lowered his defense.

Rey and Leia represent the general audience’s point of view: how could anyone not wish to be someone as cool as a Jedi, and getting the chance to fight against the bad guys? Ben is the other point of view, someone who indeed does not want it at all. It takes him a long time to find out what he actually wants to do with his powers: “Give a new order to the galaxy”, together with Rey. When she refuses and leaves him, he feels not only betrayed but humiliated. All he is left with is the maddening desire to burn the house down for good, the ultimate sin his uncle saves him from by sacrificing himself on Crait.

Conclusions

One of the troubles with a weak, absent, violent or otherwise dysfunctional father figure is their repercussion on the mother figures: Padmé can’t be a mother because she is physically absent, and Leia can’t because she is emotionally absent. Much as Ben may love Leia, he knows her. He knows that to her he always was more a burden than someone she loved having around; he is aware of her fear of him, which is why he rightly assumes, after the tragedy at the temple, that she will never believe it was not his doing.

And this is what brings me to my first point: a mother may not be capable of loving her child. She may nourish fond memories of the sweet baby and cute toddler she used to take care of, but the more the child grows, the more a traumatized mother will be terrified by the emerging personality of an intelligent child which might see through her carefully built-up walls, and even more scared of the child’s emotional development into a person she can no longer keep in control, who might doubt her, and want to make his own choices. Of course, being born with the Force is a huge responsibility. However, it cannot be denied that the Jedi Order failed, and that both Leia and her brother did not question their ways; instead, they did everything to prevent Ben from questioning them.

The actual tragedy of a dysfunctional mother-child relationship is that a mother may not really love her child, but a child instinctively loves the mother because its psychological balance roots in its faith in the mother’s love.

If unavoidable, in extreme cases the child can of course learn to let go, accept that its own mother could not love it, and that this was neither her nor the child’s fault in the first place; but that takes time and effort and needs a lot of support from other sources. Things Ben never had, because he had to fight for his life while his own mother was the general of the Resistance, each and every member of which would have killed him in cold blood had they had the chance. (Remember how Poe tried to shoot him in the back in TFA, and Rey shot at him in TLJ when he was in sickbay, wounded and unarmed? And these are the good guys.) He’s the Bad Guy, remember? Not Leia’s son. Just like Rey is the Good Heroine, not Palpatine’s heir. Nobody questions what the Good Guys do.

Leia may have loved Ben to a certain extent, but of one thing I am fairly sure: unconditional is not what her love for him was. Leia knew that there was still light in her son, but she did not realize that he was desperately searching for Balance between both sides. Leia did want him back, but only if he was willing to embrace only the Light Side and to shed the darkness in him, like that was even possible. Luke and Leia, like almost all the Jedi before them, pretended that there was no darkness in them… which made the darkness all the more powerful in someone who was closely connected to with them.

Ben, like his grandfather, is more honest and authentic with his feelings than the people he knows. That he so often errs results from lack of judgement; Ben reminds me of someone who keeps stumbling because he’s left in the dark. His grandfather’s is also the story of a human tragedy, precisely because Anakin, too, did not know what was going on behind stage. Luke’s story is eventually a success because Vader tells him the truth, which first shocks him but then makes him develop a strong and mature personality.

Star Wars is about a family made unhappy by a distorted idea of masculinity; an idea mostly brought up and propagated by the Jedi. Both the detached type like Mace Windu, Obi-Wan or Yoda and the cruel and sardonic Vader are a product of this attitude. We have until now never seen a happy family during the course of the whole saga, with a united couple of parents growing and protecting their children together. Anakin became a villain simultaneously with being a father; I find it interesting that his son Luke seems to have escaped this fate partly because he never was confronted with fatherhood.

Leia wants her son back as her child; she does not expect him to become a grown man who makes his own choices. One of the things that make the final trilogy of the saga so dissatisfying is, to me, that a Skywalker man again was denied the dignity to be on his own, to develop a healthy masculinity and to make his own choices instead of being expected to simply do what he was told.

Not surprisingly, Ben is saved by his father, the most human of the bunch. Smuggler, adventurer, “nobody”, cheater, thief, war general… Han Solo was always first and foremost himself, which is why he understands his son’s human side best. As Luke is a Jedi, Leia is a princess. She never is a mother above everything else, the way Shmi was. Unconsciously or not, she places power above family. Ben calls his father “Dad” in TRoS (in TFA he referred to him by his name); he never calls Leia “mother”.

Of course, like Luke, Obi-Wan and all the Jedi before them, Leia has no truly bad intentions. She does want her son to be safe and happy - on her conditions. She cannot understand his desire to reconcile with the darkness inside of him, respectively to take Vader’s skeleton from the family closet; she accepts only a part of him. When Ben finally “comes home”, in death, it is as Han’s and Leia’s child. And this also, unbeknownst to her, causes Rey’s lonely fate since her mate, her other half in the dyad, is gone.

The heroes of old have proved incapable of giving their son and heir the support he would have needed; when they faced their guilt it was too late; and still after death, none of them accepted the Dark Side’s right to exist. Ben “comes home” purged from his sins, without having integrated the two parts of himself, and leaving the greatest power in the galaxy in the hands of a young woman who is very far from understanding Balance in the Force, or only the necessity and importance of it.

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What does all of this mean for us, as the audience? Maybe that it’s time to grow up. Becoming an adult has much to do with seeing the limitations of the people (heroes) you used to trust blindly when you were a child. Many people never accept that, or feel let down for life. I think the wisest course is to learn how to grow and mature together with your people you used to admire, to learn from one another precisely because none of us is perfect, but we all can grow and mature the ones through the others.

The Rise of Skywalker told us, among other things (though not saying so openly) that even a positive and universally liked character like Princess Leia is not immune to the Dark Side of the Force, and that she may support it fully convinced of doing the right thing. It does not make the good she did undone, and does not deny her positive sides. And it does not say that we can’t love her any more. Anyone is entitled to be annoyed by these revelations. Leia is not a bad person, she’s human. But waking up from our ideals of heroism and happy endings may be more to the point for our own growth.

Our parents, our heroes, anyone can err for many reasons. To see their mistakes does not mean giving up on their or our ideals; the good things they stand for are still valid. Yet seeing their weaknesses and finding our own way to honor those ideals is perhaps a better way to get on with our lives than thinking that there is someone, anyone in the world we can look up to because they are, and always will be, perfect.

Side Note: Speculations

Although many affronted fans claim so, the heroes of the OT were not dismantled by the ST: Luke, Han and Leia each in his own way show their heroism again in their respective situations. But it is also made abundantly clear that where they failed was their duty towards the next generation. The thought is of course disturbing because a mother is supposed to give affection to a child, a father to offer it protection and advice, a mentor to foster its capacities. In Ben’s case, all three of them failed blatantly. That they managed to do so with Rey, a perfect stranger to their family, would be acceptable if she were not the offspring of Palpatine of all people. As it is, her “inheritance” of the Skywalker legacy feels as unearned as Ben’s failure and death feel undeserved.

Parents in Star Wars always have failed their children because they were in some way absent. Anakin, Luke and Ben, all three generations of Skywalkers, suffer from a father trauma. Anakin was always a father, never a son; Luke always a son, never a father. Which brings me back to the point I can’t give up on: a healthy father figure, someone who was a son and becomes a father, who went to the Dark Side but came back, who was not only redeemed but also rehabilitated, and finds an equally strong mother figure by his side, is essential if the galaxy is ever to find lasting Balance. I am not giving up hope. 😉

#star wars #leia organa #ben solo #kylo ren #han solo #luke skywalker #anakin skywalker #darth vader #palpatine #the force awakens #the last jedi #the rise of skywalker #padme amidala #shmi skywalker #dysfunctional family #read more #princess leia #motherhood

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blarhiv · 5 years

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Pre-Debut Fan on Shipping and KM

Guys,one wonderful Anonnie decided to bless us with so well written article.So,please,read it <3

Anonnie,thank you for sharing with us your thoughts!

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BE WARNED VERY LONG SHIPPING/KM POST AHEAD!!!!

First of all, I just want to clarify that I’m a KM supporter. By my current understanding and my own personal definition, this is to say that that while I believe in the possibility of these two individuals being in a real-life relationship, I am at peace with the reality that it is also conceivable that they are merely very close, wonderful friends. I will get to KM a bit later, but I first want to go through some general commentary on the statement of the fandom in regards to shipping first. I’ve tried to be as respectful as I could and so, things have gotten quite lengthy indeed.

PART 1: Shipping and Fandoms

Shipping Wars

My first point of major contention lies in shipping wars—in quick and easy summation, I truly really fail to understand shipping wars.

It doesn’t quite make sense to me that there are individuals warring over which ship is real when, no one in the band has ever confirmed a heterosexual relationship, never mind an in-band relationship. So, why fight about it when we can enjoy the lovely bonds between human beings and celebrate good, ostensibly healthy relationships?

If shippers were really into their “ship” (for lack of better terminology) for the bond between those two people, I feel that it is imperative to acknowledge what complete injustice one is doing by participating in something so meaningless and hateful as shipping wars.(Now, despite my refusal to get involved in shipping wars, I do empathize and understand those combating the wretched comments and criticisms these toxic individuals in the fandom say about undeserving band members. But I still do implore people not to argue over with some of these hyper-volatile, toxic individuals about why their perspective is inherently flawed because these people are highly unlikely to entertain a healthy, open discourse about a difference in opinions.)

And at the point where shippers are determined to evince the realness of their ship, I think their intentions are automatically highly suspect.

Why?

If one is truly trying to celebrate the connection, the supposed love, and the affection of said ship, there absolutely shouldn’t be a pressing need or compulsion to prove others wrong for not sharing the same perspective as yours.

At that point, it becomes less about a celebration of love and more about selfish gratification—whatever it is that may be incentivizing said shipper (And there are, unfortunately, a plethora of self-serving reasons people ship which are not limited to the fetishization of gays/Asians, the determination not to have their dreams of being with a band member to be shattered by their significant other being a female, the egotistical compulsion of needing to be “right”, etc.). And if one is shipping with the genuine intentions of supporting a potentially LGBTQ band member or generally supporting two humans demonstrating great love (whether it presents itself in a platonic or romantic expression), it needn’t matter what the label or status of that relationship is.

So, if one is supporting with selfless intentions and a sincere desire to see members happy, there’s no point of arguing about the “realness” of a ship because at the end of the day, all the ships in the band are real—because they all have honest, genuine relationships with one another as friends. Shipping Real People

This is also a highly controversial subject and I believe it is mainly due to the lack of boundaries people have set in place when they participate in shipping real people.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with real people ships—but only under great constraints and self-monitoring. Most people who ship real people do so because human beings are naturally drawn to and attracted to love—that is to say, people love love. That’s why people enjoy romantic movies and relationships between characters on television shows. That’s why writers like to write about love and photographers take pictures of things and people they love.

However, the problem lies in people who take liberties with how seriously they can invest into a real person ship or how entitled they begin to feel towards someone else’s life.

This is where para-social relationships come into place—through the use of social media, fans are given ultra personal ways to interact with celebrities causing them to believe that they’re connected to their idols despite the reality that it is a one-way relationship. These celebrities do not know you—and therefore, they owe you absolutely nothing in regard to their personal life. And so, I absolutely do not condone writing or tagging or demanding things from any real-life ship (ie. VLives, Twitters, fan meets, InstaLives, etc.) where one could be causing the human being distress or pressure. They are, at the end of the day, real people with real feelings and real lives—and we, as fans or spectators at best, are simply entitled to no components of their life.

I think there are instances that you can comment on a celebrity’s life and have it be a perfectly innocuous encounter. For example, it’s quite alright to appreciate and feel second-hand joy at seeing two people whom one respects and follows as a fan looking happy with their potential partners (as in the case of KM) or commenting supportively on a confirmed real-life couple’s Instagram photos (Justin and Hailey Bieber, Michelle and Barak Obama, Hyuna and E’Dawn, Cara Delevine and Ashley Benson, etc.). Feeling joy at seeing someone else happy or commenting something cute and chill on a real-life couple’s picture doesn’t cost anything nor does it harm anyone. But if you, as a fan, begin to demand things from said people if the real life couple breaks up (Justin Bieber-Selena Gomez, Cole Sprouse-Lili Reinhart, etc.) or you hate the real significant other after one half of a popular ship is revealed to be dating someone else (Zendaya-Tom Holland-anonymous girlfriend), that’s when you’ve got a real problem and you need to reassess what you’re doing. If you are going to ship a real-life ship, do it sensitively—don’t personally bother these people with your unsolicited advice and woes, they don’t care about your ships, they just want to live their lives.

Fetishization and Homophobia

Another deeply problematic that comes with the shipping territory is the fetishization.

There are, unfortunately, many fans that like the idea of a real ship right up until the point there’s a possibility where the members might actually be part of the LGBTQ community. It’s sexy and sensual, a “guilty pleasure”, to imagine the idea of gays, but the actual concept of homosexuality as a real part of someone’s identity is somehow unacceptable to many fans. This is definitely a problem in the Asian music industry.

While girls fawn over the boy-boy interactions on stage, these same young women are equally likely to be disgusted by the existence of actual homosexual men trying to celebrate their love on the streets—and the KPop industry feeds into this by via methods like encouraging fan service between members or the Pepero game.

This is deeply disheartening as there are, without doubt, LGBTQ members in this industry—we may not know them by name or face (aside from Holland), but they certainly do exist. And how sad is it to imagine that the closest to acceptance these human beings will ever attain for their sexual preferences is on stage for the gratification of fans who won’t even support them if they actually come out? If you only enjoy same-sex interactions on stage, feeling repulsion or deterrence in supporting a gay or lesbian idol based on their sexual preferences, you probably have some soul searching to do.

Another thing I’ve noticed is the tendency of same-sex shippers to modify a harmless interaction between members as they make jokes or innuendos that splatter a hue of raw sexual essence onto the moment—this is, in part, some fetishization. We should try to avoid this as gay men are trying to escape the sexualized view a large majority of people have about them.

And KMers are guilty of this—after all, sometimes when a boy says he wants to do his laundry, he really just wants to do his laundry.

So, this is something else to keep in mind.

General Homophobia

How many times have bloggers received comments about how X members can’t be gay or how if X is gay that the anon can’t be a fan of that person anymore? I’ve definitely read several too many in my time and these are all exemplifying comments of people who house internal homophobia.

Unfortunately, the need to explicitly state and prove homosexuality will always be a symptom of the heteronormativity of most societies—and I do understand why it happens and it’s not always a malicious assumption.

What I peacefully and regretfully do not understand are aggressive fans who flagrantly deny the possibility of any other sexuality aside from being straight—these instances really make me suspect these are mainly female fans that can’t stomach the possibility of their idols not being into their gender or are straight up homophobic without any other reason. (That being said, I also don’t encourage any same-sex shippers/supporters to make assumptions about sexualities either. It’s fine to support and to suspect the possibility of a same-sex relationship, but there should always be that margin for error since none of these idols are definitively out.)

Conclusion to General Shipping

TLDR; my basic point in the first part of this ridiculous essay is that, we should really all respect one another as members of a single fandom. And beyond that, we should all respect the people whom we are shipping, taking great care and using our sensibilities to ensure we aren’t making real people uncomfortable.

PART 2: KM

History as a Fan of BTS

So, I just want to clarify that I am a pre-debut BTS fan. I literally read about JM and JK a couple days before they were due to debut and as a huge hip-hop fan, I was immediately interested in their concept. I instantly fell in love with JM’s voice and JK’s multi-faceted talents (and live vocal skills)—that is to say, I was most interested in these two members from the very beginning. As of recent days, I have detached myself from the fandom, preferring to keep a great distance away due to the toxicity and negativity I’ve unfortunately been privy to as the fan base grows bigger and bigger—and it really does make me incredibly sad. I’ve always been into BTS for the music—they were what I listened to bussing up to school as I admired the Cyphers by the rap-line, the gorgeous fluidity of JM’s melodic voice, the deep resonance of TH’s voice, and JK’s talents as a quality, consistent singer despite his age.

And now, sometimes the ship wars and solo stans are louder than the positive members in this community. Luckily, I’ve found a small niche of BTS blogs and KM blogs that have made this experience a lot easier (for KM blogs, many thanks to people like blarhiv, slowlybutobvious-jikook, gaja-aegiya-gaja, chaotic-jikook, singwriteluv, jiminkoo, etc.)

Shipping as a Whole

Now, as for the shipping component. I want to clarify I’m a very selective real-person shipper—I don’t look for mere skin ship or overt proclamations of love or popularity of ship.

Of course, these are initially the easiest features to discern a shippable “ship”, but I’m well practiced in the KPop industry and know these factors between members are virtually useless in discerning romantic interest.

On top of being a selective shipper, I also think it’s safe to say I’m pretty respectful about shipping as I always try to maintain reasonable skepticism and I’ve never commented anything about shipping on any forum that could make the involved individual uncomfortable. With all that being said, the beginning of BTS, I did not see ANY SHIPS that I could’ve deemed suspicious enough to be considered real. They were all just young kids that were trying to pave their path to success and just boys messing around on their early television appearances whilst trying to promote their albums.

And even when YM and TK began to gain traction as the fandom’s decidedly largest ships with some believing them to be “real”, I still didn’t see it—and this is said with utmost respect to their closeness and respect for one another as teammates, colleagues, and close friends.

Undoubtedly, their interactions were playful and adorable, but there was nothing in how they interacted to rouse any suspicions whatsoever. I would view their interactions as commonplace as any other men in regular friendships—with their culture and their age and their jobs in consideration. Again, I never understood people who truly believed in the validity of these ships.

Now, to be fair, I have, of course, also participated in casually shipping a few members for fun too. For example, I thought Sope was cute and I was drawn to VM’s friendship as well—JM and TH were so ridiculously cute and close, it was nearly impossible not to casually ship them. In the earlier years, since I believed there to be no "real" ships, I was on board with other casual shippers but was greatly confused by those who believed the big three ships (YM, NJ, and TK) were actually real.

My View on Early KM

I first started tuning into KM when I saw a particular Bomb clip of JM and JK messing around with a phone app where their voices were autotuned. Whilst JM was laughing, JK just had his face crinkled up with the softest look on his face. I was like, “huh”—but it definitely wasn’t enough for me to begin thinking it could be real.

Since it was one isolated incident, caught directly on camera, it wasn’t nearly enough evidence to make any logical inferences. At that point, I’d just be jumping onto the train of delusion. While on the subject of early KM, I also want to take this opportunity to quickly give my take on this malicious narrative that JK doesn’t like JM—as a pre-debut fan, I’ve never bought into this.

Between JK’s self-proclaimed shyness towards JM’s unadulterated fondness for him, JK’s proclivities to drop honorifics on camera even from the beginning, JK telling JM he teases his hyung because he likes him—I was almost flabbergasted when I first caught inklings of it.

This is such an outrageous vilification and outright character assassination of a young kid in his teens who didn’t know how to deal with his hyung’s affections, despite having always confirmed and reassured JM that he does, in fact, like him.

The fact that so-called fans to this day still try to drive this narrative despite the fact that JK has set fire and gasoline to this toxic roller coaster ride of lies and delusions is actually unfathomable to me. Never mind the exact type of relationship KM have, it’s just so distinguishably clear that JK really, really likes JM judging by the amount of time they spend together and how beautiful JK’s smile is when he’s around JM.

The Shift

Essentially, I casually shipped Sope, VM, and KM at some point—they were my favourites to see interact and I was always cooing over how adorable their bonds were with one another. And if I’m being frank, I was especially partial to the latter two ships because of how attentive and caring JM is to his younger members.

JM’s kindness has always touched my heart.

I find JM’s interactions with people the most fascinating based off the fact that he is just an enthralling, ethereal human being with this gorgeous voice and enormous heart—and for that, he was my very favourite member always.

But, of course, I am a KM supporter.How did this happen?

Well, my eyes nearly bugged out of my head at the infamous back hug at 2015 KBS Music Festival—especially since it was JK being so unusually expressive and forward with his affection. But perhaps this was a cultural thing? I definitely felt some cognitive dissonance as I tried to explain the strange, almost romantic aura of the moment using logic despite sensing that this string of reasoning didn’t sit quite right with me. But again, one isolated incident is a whole lot of nothing in the world of skin ship and KPop.

But as we all know, at this point, we got see KM get closer and see their relationship develop and I was really all for it as I was incredibly pleased by that personal growth in JK as a maturing adult and the joy it conversely seemed to bring JM with this newly matured JK.

JK’s Development

A large part of my transition over from casual to serious “shipper” is actually because of JK. I’ve always viewed him as a talented individual, as aforementioned, but other than that there was certainly other larger personalities that caught my eye quicker—between JM’s big heart, JH’s enormous personality, and TH’s quirks, he was definitely quietly existing in the background when he wasn’t performing. But he really just grew into himself and I think any fan can see that.

There’s all the general ways he grew up, his physique and his facial structure and his height, but more than anything my heart softened immensely when I began to see what a beautiful soul this boy had always had. I’m not saying that he’s not without flaws—because another a huge problem in the industry is the fans’ tendency to idealize their idols past the mortal realm of making mistakes or having character flaws—but anyone can see he’s clearly matured.

The way he treats JM only gets better and better with each year.

And I genuinely don’t feel that it’s delusional to say the way that he treats JM is vastly different from any other member. He is kind-hearted with a dreamy view on the world and he’s good to his hyungs after everything they’ve done for him when he’d been a child, but he’s that in tenfold around JM. To say he doesn’t play favourites when JM’s involved is being willfully ignorant because there’re so many recent examples alone (the way he splashes water on SJ vs. JM, the way he roughhouses other members vs. JM, the way he gives JM a big pancake because of an impending punishment vs. SJ in same predicament, the attentive way he watches JM in interviews over other members, the way he monitors JM's health via food and drink, etc.).

I also want to mention as a disclaimer that these comparisons aren’t made in any type of malicious way or with the intent of discrediting relationships between JK and other members. It’s simply instrumental in understanding why such a large population of non-shippers have been drawn to KM as a potential real pairing versus any other pairing. If everyone stopped inserting their own captions and interpretations of JK’s actions and only had the source material in front of them, no misleading historical content to waylay new fans with a tired and counterfeit narrative, it’s pretty clear that JK displays incredible fondness and tenderness towards JM in a conspicuous manner.

It doesn’t make his relationships with the others any less, it just makes his relationship with JM just that little bit more. It’s not about putting down or undermining the other relationships, it’s just about acknowledging the reality of JK’s obvious magnetism towards JM. If a fan really cares for JK, it’s almost cruel to disregard the fact that his face lights up when he’s with JM (WeVerse picture, JM punching him on the shoulder, FaceTime picture, VLive, etc.) and his voice softens when he speaks to JM (Run episode with JK slating, Run episode playing palm game, Run episode asking JM if he’s ready, etc.).

These examples aren’t delusions, it’s reality—the evidence are quite literally in photographs or videos. As a longtime fan, I honestly and sincerely mean this—JK has become a handsome man in my eyes not because of his appearance (though he’s undeniably good-looking) but because of the way he treats JM and others he cares for. As the years pass by, his heart and soul has become more and more beautiful in my eyes. I can’t attribute it fully to JM, but I can certainly say that my heart melts when I see his interactions with JM—not because I am a shipper/supporter but because as an empathetic human, I am viscerally drawn to humans with kindness in their hearts. The man treats JM so, so well. I know I keep repeating this but it’s just a grave injustice to ignore how much JK cares for JM. Never mind your projected desires and your biases, just look at what’s in front of you and just appreciate that enviable, lovely bond. Even if people will choose to disregard romantic overtones in GCFt or the meaningful lyrics during the times JM shows up in GCFsai or the fact he has the most screen time overall (which is fine), it'd be prudent to at least acknowledge the fact that JM is incredibly treasured by this young man.

JMs Shift

Another thing that made me suspicious was the transition of JM’s behavior as well.

I find it harder to read JM than JK in many ways—perhaps it’s just an introvert relating with follow introvert—but there are differences in his behavior that also made me question things as well.

It’s obvious that JM used to be a little much for shy, introverted JK in front of the camera and that that behavior tapered off as the years went by. I do think a large part of it is due to JM growing up (although I do suspect some part might be due to vicious fans who might’ve hurt his feelings about his personality) and reigning himself in. But even then, he was still visibly touchy and affectionate with JK—just as he is with all his other members—whether he was petting his head, openly calling him cute, or what have you.

In my view, the most telling thing about JM is how careful he seems around JK—something in his behavior feels tailored in a way that’s still affectionate towards JK but in a way not to rouse suspicion even if the body and eyes don’t lie.

I’m not sure if it even makes sense, but I do sense a certain sense of caution about how JM treats JK in the public eye in comparison to JK who reliably wears his heart on his sleeve. He seems to be more aware of cameras and the public eye than JK does. It’s really hard to verbalize, but I’ve sensed a discernible change in how JM treats JK—it’s not bad or worrisome, it’s just different.(Although, they’ve gradually become a lot more carefree this year.)

Time Skip

I don’t want to bore everyone anymore than I already have, but the point of how I became a more serious supporter compared to my origins as a casual shipper is based off suspicious trends and continuous patterns in the boys’ behaviours over multiple years.

Even now, I continuously try to translate the boys’ body language, vocal tone (when speaking to each other vs. another member), facial expressions, and constant mentions of one another as a platonic demonstration of affection. And some interactions are pretty harmlessly adorable, just a little something to wet the lips of any casual shipper, but with the surmounting amount of moments it becomes really hard for even the most logical person not question the nature of their relationship.

KM and Ship Wars

Clearly, the progression of their relationship has been the target of incredible hatred and frustration on the parts of hostile members of other ships and it’s gotten to a point where they’ve resorted to subterfuge to try pilot a plane missing a wing—that is to say, they’re trying to keep an aircraft based on intentional mistranslations, vicious lies, and carefully crafted stories of events that have been disproven afloat.

The incredible discrepancy between what sorts of behavior can be categorically classified as fan service seems to conveniently shift based on whatever is keeping the fragile balance of their dreams alive despite evidence to the contrary.

The moment we try to discount or negate the relationships a member has with another one in the name of a ship, there’s absolutely a problem that needs reassessment—this goes for all fans including KMers.

KM and Coming Out

I want to clarify very firmly that if you are a true supporter of KM, one who selflessly wants their happiness above everything (which includes everything from the potential of KM having other significant others, KM being single, KM being involved in a fling, etc.), you absolutely do not want or need them to come out.

If they do come out, of their own choice and volition, you can happily support them, but you do not need or seek this from them.

And may I carefully remind people that if you want them to come out for the sole purpose of feeling vindicated against other shippers, you’re not a true supporter and you’re in this for selfish reasons. So, if you imagine your first instinct will be an outcry of “I told you so, I’m right” with the express purpose of throwing it in another ship’s face, please evaluate your role and incentive in being a KMer. It doesn’t matter if you’re right or if you’re wrong—all that matters are these incredible boys who inspire people on the daily are happy, healthy, and well. I honestly want their happiness and safety over a confirmation of a relationship any day and I really encourage all supporters to feel this way as well. In a conservative Asian society, it wouldn’t be easy to maneuver as an openly homosexual man. I implore you to consider the occurrences of hate crimes in more liberal countries. It’s not going to be an improvement, only likely to be a far more isolating experience, in a more traditional country with homophobic tendencies as the majority sentiment. So, while I know most reasonable supporters feel this way, this is a reminder to toxic shippers to stay in your lane and stop demanding things from other human beings that owe you nothing—they don’t owe you pictures of WeVerse, they don’t owe you selfies with one another on Twitter, and they don’t owe you a coming-out story to prove your ship right.

Conclusion

To sum up, I’m not saying that KM is real for sure.

No one can know that except their personnel, their friends, and their family—or sadly, in a conservative country, perhaps even just themselves. The point is, we as fans, absolutely cannot know for certain.

And this is mainly why I'm not too concerned or bothered about timelines or specific dates. We don't know and there's no point (for me) to delve this far into the realm of speculation. But to each their own as long as you're not being invasive to KM!

However, I’m not unconfident in saying that if they are not real, the likelihood of any other same-sex relationship in the band is highly unlikely—though not impossible.

I also want to reassure everyone that I love the bonds between all the members and encourage everyone to understand that even if you favour or don’t favour one member over another to realize that your opinion really doesn’t matter in comparison to how BTS feels about one another—they love one another.

And at the end of the day, shipping isn’t so important that we need to fight over it.

After all, if all we’re trying to do is support love, then shouldn’t we be doling it out to?

And with that, I’m out!

Thank you to anyone for reading and keep well and healthy everyone!

PS Thank you very much to Blarhiv to allowing me to use her blog as a platform! This very, very special individual we should all treasure in the KM community!!!❤️❤️❤️

(omg anonnie this is too cute тттт Thank YOU).

#jikook #Kookmin #jungkook #jeon jungkook #jimin #park jimin

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optimusphillip · 4 years

Text

OptimusPhillip Reviews 23: Studio Series 22 Dropkick

While I do have a lot of nostalgia for the early Michael Bay movies, I cannot deny that Bumblebee was a far superior film. As a result, it’s hardly a surprise that some of the first Studio Series figures I sought out, and to this day the ones that I seek out the most, are the ones from Bumblebee. And now that I’ve secured all four toys of the film’s main villains, Shatter and Dropkick, I think it’s high time I gave them a review, starting with Dropkick in his helicopter mode.

Helicopter Mode

Just like in the movie, Dropkick transforms into a Bell AH-1W SuperCobra attack helicopter (thank you, TFWiki). While there sadly aren’t many clear shots of Dropkick in helicopter mode from the film, he is a near-perfect match for the pictures I was able to find of the real AH-1W. Almost every panel line, vent, fin and light is present in some form on this figure, which is very impressive. They even included details like the small fin under the tail and the upward angle to the forward gun, which probably could’ve been left off and no one would notice. In fact, I was confused by some of these details before looking up the real helicopter, but I’m just so glad that they took the time to carry everything over. There are some imperfections, owing to his nature as a transforming robot figure, but even then he’s pretty clean overall. Though he seems a little tail-heavy in this mode, to the point where he’ll occasionally have a hard time sitting flat on his landing skids.

The helicopter is primarily done in a light gray, also like the movie. However, there’s also a lot of extra blue details, which aren’t present in those few shots I am able to make out. Also included are a pair of jolly roger decals on either side of the nose, which can be seen on his other modes in the movie, though I can’t tell if these are movie accurate in this mode. Aside from those, the only other details are pretty basic: safety warnings on the intakes, and Air Force decals on either side of the body. It seems the rest of his paint budget went into painting more gray onto the body and nose pieces, which are both cast in clear plastic to create the look of a glass cockpit. While it’s probably not the most movie accurate deco, I personally really like the way he looks.

Of course, being a helicopter means that he retains some functionality in this mode. The tail rotor is pinned into place and can spin freely, as one would expect. The main rotor is also pinned into place, but there’s too much friction for it to spin freely. Instead, you have to be constantly pushing them to keep them spinning. I don’t exactly know why, I’m sure there’s a reason, but it’s kind of annoying. Aside from that, you can remove the missile launchers from under his wings, since they’re just mounted on 5mm pegs. This means that you can also mount pretty much any other weapon you want underneath, just in case the stock parts don’t appeal to you.

Conversion

Dropkick’s conversion scheme is actually quite a lot of fun. The way the legs fold up to form the underside of the helicopter can feel a little clunky at first, but after a couple tries it becomes simple enough. The part I really like is how the entire leg and torso assembly rotates around. After that, the tail section splits apart and does some pretty clever folds to turn into the robot arms, which are then locked into place by folding down the chest piece. Unfortunately, the intake sections can kind of get in the way at times, especially given how loose they seem to be. Once the arms are done, just position the main rotor and the intake pieces correctly, and we're done.

Robot Mode

Onto robot mode, and this is the part where the figure starts to lose me. I don’t know when in the film’s production cycle this toy was designed, but this figure bears only the most tenuous resemblance to the CGI model from the film. The most glaring inaccuracy is the almost complete lack of visible car parts, aside from the taillights on his knees. He’s missing the wheels on his arms, the door wings, the headlights on his chest, all major details of his character model. Sure, you could argue that the intakes on his back are supposed to mimic his door wings, but they don’t really work for that. Even the rotors on his back are in the wrong spot.

Then we get to his proportions. In the movie, Dropkick was big and beefy looking bot, looking almost like a bodybuilder. This toy couldn’t be further from that. His limbs are lanky and thin, with almost no muscle definition aside from the kibble on his calves. Not only does this make him even less accurate to the movie, but it makes him look almost frail, which just doesn’t feel right at all for a Decepticon warrior. I know that the Bumblebee toys had a bit of a troubled production, but these are details that go back to the concept art. Aside from that, my best guess is that these are concessions made for the sake of the vehicle mode, which I can somewhat accept, but is still very unfortunate.

At least the head design is accurate. The three stripes of silver grating on his cranium, the triangular mouth parts, and the beady red eyes under the arched brows are all present from the movie design. There is some slight overspray on my figure’s forehead ridges, but I’d still say the head sculpt is the best part of this robot mode.

At least he’s decently well articulated. Ball joints in the neck, shoulders and hips, bicep and thigh swivels, 90 degree elbows and almost 180 degree knees. You can definitely get some awesome poses out of him, though strangely for a flyer, he doesn’t have a hole for a flight stand anywhere on him. Still, I’ll give him points for posability.

Lastly, we come to his weapons. The missile pods from helicopter mode transform into a pair of handheld Gatling guns. 5mm handles means that they can be given to other figures if you so choose. They’re alright, I guess, but they’re nothing like his weapon in the movie. Still, it’s a clever reuse of a vehicle mode part, though I wish they’d included his movie weapon.

Backdrop

Dropkick’s backdrop is labeled by the package as “Autobot Pursuit”, but it doesn’t really resemble any scene from Bumblebee. In fact, it looks very similar to the one that came with Studio Series Thundercracker, who bears Dark of the Moon branding. This really confuses me, since the inaccuracies with the figure can at least be attributed to either being based on an earlier model or concessions for the sake of transformation. Here, though, there’s no reason not to just use a scene from Bumblebee. Even if it was a placeholder of some kind, they could’ve changed this at any time at what I assume would be little cost. Why they chose this backdrop of all things is beyond me.

Okay, enough negativity. Since he’s so slim, Dropkick in robot mode actually has a really nice footprint for the base here. Even with his legs spread out for a dynamic pose, he fits on the base with no difficulty. The only challenge is keeping the rotors out of the way of posing without bumping them into the backdrop. The same can’t be said of his helicopter mode, however. It’s so long that it’s almost impossible to sit him down on the base without having the sides folded all the way out. Still, he is thin enough to fit on the base without hanging off the front, and his landing skids are short enough to fit easily. Just don’t expect to compact the sides with him in helicopter mode.

Final Thoughts

As harsh as I’ve been on this figure, there’s very little actually wrong with him. His helicopter mode is well detailed, his transformation is lots of fun, and his robot mode is well articulated. What kills it for me, though, is the inaccuracy of it. Studio Series is all about screen accuracy, so seeing a figure under that banner that resembles the movie design so little is a major letdown. If you’re specifically looking for a good representation of Dropkick, the only real appeal I can see with this figure is the helicopter mode itself, since that’s definitely where he most resembles his movie self. Aside from that, you’d probably be better off hunting down his remold as AOE Drift. However, if you’re just looking for a fun Transformer to mess around with and don’t care about screen accuracy, he’s actually pretty good and I would recommend him.

#transformers #bumblebee #studio series #dropkick #helicopter #helicopter dropkick #bumblebee movie

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thecleverdame · 5 years

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PART TWO

Read part one here

Summary: Everyone in the village knows that Sam and Dean are brutes to be avoided at all costs. There’s just one problem: from the moment Sam saw you, he wanted you. While he wasn’t unpleasant to look at, you could tell just by looking he was dangerous. You avoid his advances until you’re faced with an impossible choice that will forever change everything you know.

Alpha!Sam x Omega!Reader

Beta: goddess divine: @ilikaicalie

I just had to repost this because Tumblr deleted it.

Warnings: Stalking, DubCon, talk of noncon, torture, sexual slavery, objectification, ownership, cruelty, stalking, knotting, heats, submission, loss of virginity

The next sensation you’re aware of is the sway of a horse slowing from a trot to a walk. Your body is rocking side to side, one strong arm around your midsection holding tight as your head rests against Sam’s chest. You know it’s him, his smell is everywhere and you swear that through the fog of consciousness you can hear his heartbeat.

The stallion slows and Sam’s weight shifts behind you. “Are you awake?”

“Yes.” Your mouth is dry and the pulse point of your neck is throbbing with every heartbeat.

When you lift your head to look around you find a small cabin illuminated by the moonlight that bounces off the snow. The structure is on beams, lifting it several feet off the ground, giving it an almost treehouse like quality.

“You live here?” You inquire. Your head feels heavy as you struggle to clear your mind.

“As do you.” He confirms.

Sam carefully lowers you to the ground before dismounting and allowing his horse to roam free. Placing a hand at the small of your back he guides you toward the steps of your new home.

The inside of the cottage is not much warmer than outside. Sam quickly places a log in the fire and turns to find you frozen in place.

“Do you need anything?” He asks softly, rubbing his hands together for warmth.

“I, um, I don’t know.” You stare at him in disbelief.

“You’ve been through a lot, you need to rest. There’s water for you to clean your wounds. I have to fetch more firewood. I’ll give you some time to yourself.”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. This is all-” You stop, holding back tears. “Too much.”

“Undress, wash yourself and lie down while you wait for me. There is a salve in the small pot on the table, for your wounds.”

“I um-” You hesitate unable to make eye contact. “All I have is what I’m wearing. What should I use for a nightdress?”

“Nothing.” He answers matter of factly, picking his cloak up off the table and swinging it over his shoulders.

“But,” you swallow. “I’ll be cold in the night.”

“I’ll keep you warm.” He returns informally.

“You wish for me to sleep nude?” You force yourself to clarify.

He is your Alpha now, there’s no way around that. And you’re meant to please him, to make him happy. It’s better in the long run if you find out what he expects up front.

Sam hesitates, moving to you and lifting your chin with his forefinger, forcing you to look him.

“I understand the way I claimed you was traumatic. And that it hurt. There was no way around that. But it will be better now. If you trust me, I will make sure you never feel that way again.”

“I’ll try.” Your voice is barely a whisper as you look up at him. Sam offers a tight smile, running the pad of his thumb over your cheek and then he’s gone.

His cabin is cozier than you would have anticipated. Men build houses like this with their hands, you’re standing in a home that Sam created, he split logs and stripped wood. There’s something about this that makes the walls feel like they’re just an extension of him.

The air is cold but the fire glows against the far wall, the dying embers still burning orange in the night. Turning to check he’s not at the door you pick the cloth off the table and wet it with the cold water in the pot.

You wince at the sight of your bruised and bloody knees, carefully wiping them the best you can.

Removing your dress you hold your torn slip around your chest as you inspect between your thighs. There’s dried blood on your flesh and wetness at your apex that you suspect is more his seed than any natural response from your own body.

You wash until the water turns red and then you crawl, naked and freezing, under the thick fur on his bed. Had someone told you this morning that by evening you would end up here, you would have called them crazy. But here you are. While it’s not as lavish as your father’s house there is a familiar feel and best of all Sam’s scent is everywhere.

Lying on your side you stare at the final embers of the fire, listening to the silence of the night and praying that you’ve made the right choice.

You lie in the dark, waiting for what seems like a lifetime. When he finally returns you don’t move, instead listen as he stokes the fire and then moves closer to you, listening quietly for a moment before continuing his business. There is the rustling of clothing and then the familiar sounds of water and cloth. He must be cleaning himself.

You wonder if he will take you again tonight and if it will hurt even more the second time. There’s nothing you could do to stop him, Sam is more than twice your size and you wouldn’t deny him anyway. This is what you asked for, what you wanted.

Now all you can do is hope that the choice you’ve made is the right one.

The straw of the bedding shifts as he joins you.

“Are you in pain?” He asks calmly, sensing you’re not truly sleeping.

“No, not at the moment.” You whisper, voice shaking as you fight to control your nerves.

“You’re scared?” He asks gently.

The question takes you off guard. Both the tone and manner of his words are soft, out of character with the man you think you know.

“Yes.” You confess.

“What are you scared of?”

“I-” This is a delicate moment. The last thing you want to do is tell him that you’re frightened of him. But in the end, you’re honest. “Everything.”

“There’s nothing for you to be frightened of.” As he speaks his hand slides over the bare skin of your hip. You jump at the initial contact but it doesn't seem to phase him. The intimacy is beyond anything you could have imagined. From your hips, his palm slides around your belly, pulling you back until the warmth of his naked chest is pressed along your back. The sensation of his skin on yours is otherworldly. Perhaps you should feel apprehensive but the moment your bodies meet a calm begins to settles in. “I’ll take care of you now. You don’t have to be scared of anyone or anything, least of all me.”

Out of all the responses running through your brain, the one that comes out is, “I’m so tired.”

“Then sleep, Omega.” His lips meet the skin of your shoulder, pressing a chaste kiss. His touch is soft, so out of line with the huge, intimidating Alpha that you’ve pictured all this time.

There’s a thought, a realization that your father will be looking for you.

No, not just your father, the Duke too.

“They’ll come for me.” You murmur, exhaustion finally overtaking you.

“Let them.” His arm tightens around you, the other arm sliding under your head so that you’re resting on his bicep. “You’re mine. You have my mark. No one will take you from me.”

“What if they come in the night? What if they don’t stop to see that I’m claimed-”

“I’ll be here. I won’t leave you alone. I promise.” He nuzzles into your neck, pushing hair aside to get to flesh. “Go to sleep.”

And you do.

When you awake there’s a strong, warm hand stroking over your back. For a moment you tense up, but as you smell your Alpha, and remember where you are, you melt into his touch. You’re lying on your stomach, but make no move to turn over, instead allowing yourself to enjoy this new feeling of being touched.

Sam’s your mate, it’s a bond that’s arguably stronger and more sacred than even a marriage contract, his is the only affection you crave now. And there’s not even a sliver of you that feels shame about it.

“Is it morning?” Your voice is thick with sleep, as you blink awake looking around the dark cottage. The fire is roaring, he must have just tended to it as the flames lick upward toward the rafters.

“Yes, but the sun isn’t up yet. It’s still early.” He shifts, the hand stroking up and down your spine gains pressure as he pushes on the muscle with the pads of his fingers. His palm is rough, worn from war and manual labor but somehow feels better than the softest silk. You hope he never stops touching you. “Are you comfortable?”

His hand stills for a moment and you groan, lifting your head just enough to turn toward him before burrowing back into the pillow. “Yes, please don’t stop.”

Peaking out with one eye you spy a smile on his face as he looks down at you, propped on his elbow. He hand resumes it’s pace, trailing from the dip in your spine, making the slow journey north to your shoulders.

“You’re soft everywhere.” His voice is low, watching you watch him. “I’ll have to be careful that I’m not too rough with you.”

“Perhaps I am more durable than I appear.” The response comes out before you can stop yourself. He’s disarming like this, making you forget any sense of propriety until it’s too late.

“Perhaps.” He chuckles. His hand comes to rest at the base of your spine, fingers spread wide. “Turn over Omega, I want to see you.”

You blink at him, swallowing hard before rolling onto your back. The blanket is still covering your hips, but the rest of you is on full display, nipples hardening while he licks his lips at the sight of you. There’s the Alpha you know, his eyes trailing over every inch of your naked body, admiring you like a last meal. Your hands cover your chest out of instinct and he tilts his head.

“Don’t cover yourself. You’re beautiful.. There’s nothing to be bashful of.” He wraps fingers around your wrists, pulling your arms out of the way. Taking one of your hands he places it on his bare chest, over his heart. “I’m yours just as much as you are mine. We belong to each other now.”

You can’t help but smile, even as embarrassment rises in your cheeks. He releases your hand but you leave it there, feeling the strong thumping of his heart.

“Can I tell you something?” You whisper. Sam’s eyes dart to meet yours, his expression softening even further.

“Anything.”

“When the Duke told me what he wanted to-” pausing to clear your throat you avert your eyes. “He said he would punish me, brand me...I’ve never been that scared in my life. I thought of you because at that moment you were the only person who’s ever sworn to protect me.”

Sam stiffens, his mouth pulling into a tight line, clearly unhappy.

“But it feels so silly now - that I was so frightened of you. I’ve never made a real decision before, nothing of real consequence. For a moment last night, I was actually afraid that I’d done the wrong thing when I came to you and now...I’ve never felt surer of anything in my life. How is it that no one told me life could feel like this? And how is it that I was so opposed to the idea of being with you? I feel like I’ve wasted all this time when we could have been together all along.”

“Omega,” he rumbles, a hand coming to rest over your belly. “Part of what you’re feeling is my claim, it’s a bond that will keep us together for a lifetime. My bite brought to life something inside you. That’s how it works. That’s why I told you that you were meant to be with an Alpha. To feel this.”

“Will it always feel like this?” You ask, sucking in a breath as his thumb begins to stroke back and forth on the flesh of your stomach.

“I don’t know. I hope so.” He kisses you softly, a first kiss that deepens as you sigh into his mouth. His tongue snakes past your lips offering a new sensation as you taste him for the first time. When he finally pulls away you’re in a daze, lips still parted and chin tilted upward in hope of more of his mouth.

You truly have been missing out on the pleasures of life.

“After last night I thought you wouldn’t let me touch you again. I know I hurt you.” His brows come together in concern, his hand moves slowly, inching south over your lower belly.

“You warned me.” You gasp, as he sucks at the skin under your jaw, sending a shiver down your spine. “And I don’t hurt now.”

“I meant what I said.” He mumbles, nipping over your collar bone. “It won’t always feel like that. Let me show you how good I can make you feel.”

He presses forward against your cheek as his fingers swipe down over the mound of your sex. You’ve never even touched yourself there, always been careful to follow the rules and not give in to your base urges.

This is all new.

His touch is light, one finger probing delicately, slipping into silky flesh as he touches a part of you that brings your whole body to life. His finger finds your little bud, the unnamed part of your body that’s been aching since you awoke. He strokes lightly, up and down, and your entire body comes off the bed, back arching upward as you nearly scream.

“Does it feel good?” He smiles against your jaw, stealing a quick kiss. He already knows the answer but wants to hear you say it.

“Yes.” Panting, you open your eyes to look at him.

“Have you ever made yourself come before?”

“I-I don’t think so.” Your confession is cut short as he dips down into your slick, coating his fingers before moving back over your bud. His finger moves even easier, gliding fast and firm.

“You would know.” He huffs, and swoops down to take one of your nipples into his mouth.

The world will never be the same again. You didn’t know it was possible to experience this level of pleasure. Sam’s finger moves away from your bud and you nearly protest until you feel him stroking back and forth over your slit, sinking inward until he’s burying two thick fingers into your slick, tight channel.

Just as his fingers slide knuckle deep his thumb resumes rubbing your clit.

He thinks you’re perfect. Sam’s wanted you for a long time. He’s watched and waited, hoping that he might get his chance to show you that you belonged with him. He never imagined you would come to him, begging him to save you. And now that he has you he wants to show you that you really do belong with him.

“You’re so wet for me.” He growls, listening to the sound of your pussy taking his fingers.

“Am I supposed to be?” You blink looking up at him half drunk with lust. “Is that what you want?”

It dawns on him how little you must know about what you are or how your own body works.

“Yes, Omega.” He presses his thumb over your clit, fingers sliding as deep as his knuckles will allow. You moan, breasts heaving as you writhe. “It tells me that you like the way I touch you. The wetter your cunt gets, the better it will be for both of us.”

Nodding furiously you screw your eyes shut, mouth falling open in pleasure as he fucks you with his fingers.

“Alpha.” You pant his title and when he looks down you’re staring back up at him like you might come apart at the seams.

He kisses you, his fingers keep up their pace, sliding into your slick as his tongue mimics the motion of his hand. Your moans grow deeper and more insistent. You’re getting close but he doesn’t want you to come yet.

“I’m going to fuck you again, Omega.” He explains, pulling his hand from between your legs and rolling between them, kneeing soft thighs apart. “It won’t hurt this time, I promise.”

Sam pants into your mouth as he takes another kiss.

He wraps his cock in his hand rubbing the swollen head over your delicate bud again and again until you’re nearly driven mad. By the time he lines himself up your flesh is on fire, desperate for unknown satisfaction. The thick head notches between your lips and he rocks forward, slowly and steadily filling you until his balls rock into your backside.

Dear God in heaven.

You’re not sure if you’ve died or just had a religious experience as you take him so deep that you swear he’s in your belly. And true to his word, it doesn’t hurt. Instead it’s a glorious stretch that satisfies this new need that’s been awakened.

“Oh, oh, oh.” You moan, both hands clutching his back.

Your neck snaps backward, arching as he holds himself deep within you.

If fucking is nothing more than this moment, you would understand why so many men seem to be obsessed with it. No one ever explained that being with a man could feel this incredible.

You release a breath when you can’t hold it in anymore, panting and writhing under him.

Sam kisses you senseless, sliding his tongue as deep into your mouth as his cock is in your pussy. He takes your mouth with the same intensity that he’s claiming your sex. When he finally pulls away from you both gasp and he begins to move. It’s a slow withdrawal of his hips, pulling back until you’re empty and thrusting forward until his hips meet your thigh. You feel every inch of his manhood, the drag of him thick and right inside of you. He does it again and again and again.

You’re delirious. Overcome with carnal pleasure as he begins to fuck you slow and steady, swallowing your gasps and moans with his own mouth. You hope that this feels even half as good for him as it does for you.

“Am I-” you stop to groan, clawing at his spine. “Should I-.”

“You’re perfect.” He growls, lifting his head to look down as his thrusts grow faster. “So good at taking my cock, taking me so deep like this.”

“Will you knot me?” You gasp, your bud throbbing with the touch of his hips. You feel like you’re about to come apart.

“You’ll take my knot every time, Omega.” His teeth scrape down your neck, before nipping at his original bite.

“I want it.” Your hands move lower, cupping his backside as he pumps faster and faster. “I want to feel it.”

Unsure of what’s come over you, you rock under him, all you know is that your body needs him.

“Just lay there Omega, I’ll give you my cock. Make you come all over my knot, just take it.” Growling, he thrusts hard, fucking tip to base with every stroke as he works your wet hole. He mouth drops down, catching a nipple between his teeth and sucking the swollen peak into his mouth.

“Oh,” your voice is a breathy rasp at this new sensation. You had no idea that your breasts could be used for pleasure. You’ve watched your cousins’ baby suckle at her bosom, never imagining that your body could be used for such sinful gratification.

Sam’s hips slow, grinding into you with deep, slow thrusts and his latch on your breast grows stronger, sucking harder and harder until a tinge of pain begins to blossom. Assuming he must not be aware he’s hurting you, you’re about to tell him to stop when he bites down, sinking his teeth into the flesh of your rock hard nipple.

“Alpha!” His title slips from your mouth as if second nature, your fingers clawing at his neck and shoulder. The pain travels from your breast down to your belly and becomes something else altogether. The aching, tender bud between your legs throbs in pleasure as you experience your first taste of delightful agony.

Sam feels your tender cunt tighten around him, back arching in desperation pushing your ribs against his chest. He sucks the same nipple again, giving it all he’s got and then biting just enough to coax a groan as your head snaps back against the bed.

With a wet pop his mouth releases your nipple and he lunges forward, latching over the mark of his claim. He resumes fucking with punishing strokes, feeling his stomach tighten in anticipation.

He has to be careful not to push too far, too fast. The last thing he wants is for this to become too much, you’re already a different woman than he met in the village. The shy nature is still there, but it’s fading fast as you allow yourself to submit to your Alpha. A week ago you would hardly look him in the eyes, now you're begging for his knot like a street whore.

There’s a world of pleasure that he wants to guide you through. He can’t wait for you to let him fuck you senseless in a thousand different positions, imagining what it will feel like when you ride him for the first time, bucking on top of him with his cock in your belly. Maybe you’ll even let him finger your tight hole and show how good he can make every inch of your body feel. Watching your mouth open and close in pleasure, he wonders if you’ll suck his cock. Not all women do, especially women of your stature, but he thinks from the way you reacted to your tits being sucked on, there’s a wild side he just needs to uncover.

And when your heat comes, you’ll beg him for all the things he’s just been waiting to do.

He’s getting ahead of himself and he knows it. He took your delicate flower only hours ago and he’s lucky to be back between your legs at all.

“Alpha.” You moan, legs bending until your knees bump against his ribs with every stroke.

“I know what you need, Omega.” His voice is thick with desire and restraint. “Are you going to take my knot? Will you open up for me, take my seed in your belly?”

“Yes!” You cry in sheer desperation. There’s a sheen of sweat covering every inch of skin, glowing and panting just for him. In this moment you would do anything he asked of you just to get to this peak. There’s no act too depraved to deny when you’re in this state of heightened arousal. “Please, Alpha. Please, oh please, oh please…”

Reduced to begging you cry as the ring of muscle around the base of his cock begins to swell. It happens quick, just a few thrusts before he has to work to get back inside. With one final shove of his hips, he forces his knot within your used pussy, desperate to get as deep as he can.

The stretch of his knot pulls at your throbbing clit and you come. Every inch goes stiff with pleasure as the world blurs and you milk his cock with your sex, squeezing and tightening around his shaft again and again.

You can feel his seed as he spurts in your belly. The warm, full sensation pulls a final moan from your exhausted body as you lie back, falling limp under him.

“Are you alive, Omega?” He smiles against the sweaty skin of your throat, nipping at you and panting while he catches his breath.

“I think.” You murmur, opening your eyes to stare up at the ceiling as his teeth scrape under your jaw. “I think I feel more alive than I ever have in my whole life.

The hours you spend in bed with Sam wash away any worries and mute your own concerns. The outside world fades away and existence narrows to these small moments with him where nothing else matters.

Somewhere around midday, you wake up for a second time, reaching behind you to find your Alpha only to be met with an empty bed.

“I’m here.” Sam confirms from across the room as you sit up, searching for him. He’s seated at the table, smiling softly and watching you.

“I want you here.” You confess sleepily, patting the bed, biting your lip as Sam moves to you. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he leans close.

He’s not sure if he’s ever seen anything as ethereal as the site of you sitting naked and somewhat confused in the middle of his bed. He’s had fantasies of what you would be like, but the real thing is better. Your voice is gentle and happy when you say his name, your skin is delicate and the way you touch him is almost as if he’s a missing piece you’re scared of losing.

And you’re so damn beautiful.

Your hair is mussed, lips pink and swollen from his kisses. He suspects other parts of your body would look just as raw if he could see them. You look like you’ve been thoroughly fucked, there’s no mistaking the shape you’re in.

Claiming you seems to have alleviated nearly all of your apprehension. The woman who shook in fear at his very presence is gone and in her place is this soft, breathtaking creature who can’t get enough of him.

He’s won a prize he’s not even close to deserving.

“You look wild.” He chuckles, brushing the hair away from your face as he leans in for a kiss and you crane upward to meet him.

“Wild?” You whisper against his lips, opening your eyes to look at him.

“Wild and perfect.” Both his hand's cup your jaw. “And mine.”

He scents you, burying his head in your neck and breathing in. You gladly offer yourself to him, holding him close in your arms as he rubs his nose and lips over your pulse point. His mouth moves lower, dropping to taste your collar bone and the hollow of your neck. He’s not sure how he’s ever going to get anything done because he’d be content to spend every waking moment just like this.

He pulls the blanket away from your chest, his eyes sweeping over your bare breasts. He takes one in each hand, pushing your tits together and kissing the swell of each one and then playfully nipping as he buries his face between them.

You fall backward with a merry squeal and he pounces on top of you, caging your head between his arms as he rests on his elbows, hovering above you.

“I’ve wanted to get my head between your legs, to taste you, since I first saw you in the market.” He growls, kissing under your jaw.

“Sam!” You gasp at his words, heat rising in your cheeks as his mouth moves down your naked body. He stops to pay attention to both breasts, sucking gently on each nipple before continuing to kiss the flesh of your belly and then lower.

“Shhhh” his hush spreads goosebumps over your skin. You feel his mouth on your mound, opening up to take in as much as he can get. He tilts his head towards your belly, his nose rubbing over your clit, before his tongue finds the bud and begins to sweep back and forth.

His strong tongue is lapping again and again over your sex as you hear a sound in the distance. It’s enough to pull you out of the moment, twisting fingers into his hair to get his attention.

“Sam.” You hiss, tugging at his scalp. When he doesn’t respond you pull hard, trying to close your thighs around his head. “Sam!”

“What?” he murmurs against your pussy, lifting his head to look up with near annoyance. He’s waited a long time to get you spread out in his bed like his own personal feast. He can’t imagine what could be more important than his tongue in your cunt.

“I hear something.”

“It’s nothing.” He dismisses your concern, trying to bury himself back between your thighs, but you’re quicker this time, clamping your legs together in protest.

“Listen.” You sit up a little and he growls, getting onto his knees, ready to drag you back down if need be.

“To what?” His eyebrows shoot up. “I don’t hear anything.”

“Just listen!” You hiss, grabbing his arm and holding on tight. There is the unmistakable sound of horse hoofs and the voice of men in the distance. Your eyes go wide, fear bubbling to the surface. He can smell it on you, the terror sinking in as you dig your fingernails into his flesh. “They’re coming for me.”

“It’ll be alright Omega.” Sam reaches forward, gripping both your biceps, forcing you to look at him. “There’s no reason to be frightened. You’re mine now, no other man has any claim to you.”

“You keep saying that, but-” You’re not entirely sure what comes after the but. You just know you’re scared. Sam is correct, an Alpha’s claim to his Omega is supreme, trumping any other claims, but there’s still fear in your gut. You can’t believe that your father or the duke would allow you to abscond so easily. “You swear you won’t let them take me?”

Sam’s not sure what happened to make you this fearful, but he intends to find out. And when he does he’s going to make sure someone pays for what they’ve done.

“Calm yourself.” His hands slide under your jaw, as he leans down to kiss you. “I won’t let anyone take you from me. Not today, not ever.”

The approaching group is growing closer. Sam gives you a reassuring squeeze before getting out of bed. He plucks one of his oversized tunics from the corner of the room and hands it to you. “Put this on. Stay back and out of sight until I tell you to come to me. You understand?”

“Yes.” The word breaks as you say it, rattling in your throat.

Your Alpha dresses himself, pulling a shirt over his thick shoulders, and finding trousers before he looks back to check on you one final time. There’s the sound of hooves just outside and a voice calls out. “Samuel Winchester!”

Sam opens the door and steps outside. There are four men on horseback. It takes him only a moment to identify each one. He knows your father on sight, just as he knows the sheriff and a drunk from town they apparently paid for muscle. The plump, fancy one must be the Duke.

“Good day, Sam!” Edwin, the sheriff greets him cheerfully. He’s known the Winchesters for their entire lives and Sam and Dean have acted as his enforcers on more than one occasion.

“Good afternoon.” He calls back, grinning as his friend jumps down from his horse. “What can I do for you gentlemen?”

“We’re looking for my daughter.” Your father speaks up, one hand on his hip. “She’s absconded during the night. I was told that you spoke with her in the village last night. Is that true?”

Sam just looks at the man sitting atop his horse, looking much dandier than his title actually affords. Your father has always considered himself a man of wealth, when in reality he’s always struggled to keep what little fortune he has.

“I spoke with her.” Your Alpha nods, giving him nothing more an exact answer.

“And do you know where she is?” You father presses.

“I do.” Again, Sam makes him work for what he really wants to ask. He wants to know if the Alpha standing before them has taken his daughter. Even if Sam hadn’t fucked and claimed you, if all you had done was sleep on his floor, it still would be enough to ruin your reputation. And your father’s.

“Oh, for God’s sake.” The Duke spits impatiently. “Is she here?”

“She is.” Sam says deadpan.

“Oh well, um-” Edwin hesitates. “May we speak with her.”

“You may.” Sam nods, his eyes locking your father. “Omega! Come outside please.”

Drawing in a deep breath you open the door, squinting in the sunlight. You’re not dressed properly to be seen by anyone other than your Alpha. Clad in nothing but Sam’s shirt you slowly inch outside, bare legs stinging in the frigid air.

“Come here.” He holds out his hand, motioning for you to come to him. You’re grateful when he pulls you under his arm, holding you close. You can’t look up, can’t bring yourself to look these men in the eye. Must you be subjected to even more humiliation?

“Well, I think it’s clear something untoward has occurred. ”The Duke shifts in his saddle, his eyes darting from Sam to you. “She was not yours to bed. She’s my property.”

“Watch your words.” Sam’s voice drops an octave, as his eyes narrow. “She’s mine now. She’s a claimed Omega.”

“You’ve claimed her?” Your father throws up his hands. “Your sister was right. How long have you been whoring yourself out?”

“Careful, Beta.” Sam snarls, stepping forward. His arm reaches back to make sure you’re behind him, offering a hand to hold.

“Let us see her mark so we can be done with this.” Edwin steps forward. Sam tenses up, his instinct telling him to get between his Omega and any other man. He’s threatened and with good reason.

“Come here, Omega.” Sam pulls you forward, fisting a hand in your hair as he yanks your head to the side revealing the angry red bite. “Good enough?”

“This is unacceptable. She wasn’t yours to take, Winchester.” You father snarls.

“Yes, she was.” Sam laughs. He’s still twisting your hair, pulling painfully at your scalp. “She’s been mine for a long time.”

You yelp and the Alpha seems to notice you for the first time, releasing your hair.

“He’s claimed her.” Edwin nods as that’s the final word on the matter.

“It’s clear he took her by force.” The Duke intercedes. “Surely, you don’t just allow Alphas to steal without consequence?”

“It makes no difference.” Edwin turns to the men still one horseback. “It’s done.”

“You’ll be sorry girl.” You father promises, pointing at you. “He’s an animal. Everyone knows what kind of man he is. You’ll be lucky to survive a week.”

“It’s no matter.” The Duke glares at both of you. “I wouldn’t want her now anyway, she’s been plucked by an Alpha. It’s disgusting.”

There’s something about the word plucked that infuriates Sam, makes his blood run hot. This is the man who said he’d brand you, threatened to do things you can’t even repeat.

“If you either of you come near her again, I’ll kill you myself.” He snarls.

“We’ll see about that.” You father sneers, struggling to turn his horse around. The duke has already had his fill, trotting away.

You stand outside, watching the men leave, standing silently beside the man you now belong to. Sam takes a heavy breath, his jaw clenched. He glances down at you clearly still upset but the moment his eyes sweep over your body his expression shifts into something softer.

“It’s too cold outside, Omega. You must be freezing.” And with that, he scoops you up and carries you back inside.

“Do you think they’ll come back for me?” You ask as he sets you down carefully on the edge of the bed.

“No.” He answers abruptly, still worked up from the exchange. He takes a breath and looks at you before crouching in front of you. Placing a hand on your knee he squeezes softly as concern pulls a frown from his mouth. “If anyone ever tries to take you, they’ll have to kill me first. And then my brother. I don’t think your father is stupid enough to try.”

It’s so strange to hear this man, who yesterday was a virtual stranger, talk about protecting you with his life. But you feel it too, the bond, the very marrow in your bones aching for him. Maybe he’s right and it’s just his bite, or maybe fate has always had something greater in store.

“What I do now?”

“You stay close to me.” He smiles as he takes your hands in both of his. “And you start living.”

“What does that mean?” You laugh, looking at this man in front of you as your heart swells to the brim.

He stands up, offering you a hand and pulling you to your feet. “It means whatever we want it to. Now we write our own rules.”

#Alpha!Sam x Omega!Reader #sam winchester x reader #sam winchester smut #supernatural a/b/o

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timeoutforthee · 5 years

Text

Like It or Not-Chapter 19

Summary: Logan, Patton, Roman, and Virgil are all struggling in their recovery. Their doctors, Thomas Sanders and Emile Picani think they can help each other out.

Aka Group Therapy AU

Trigger Warnings: None, maybe? Not for this chapter?

Read it on AO3!

Taglist: @itsausernamenotafobsong, @sea-blue-child, @iaminmultiplefandoms, @princeanxious, @uwillbeefoundtonight, @zaidiashipper, @arandompasserby, @levyredfox3, @falsett0, @error-i-dunno-what-went-wrong, @scrapbookofsketches, @podcastsandcoffee, @helloisthisusernametaken, @amuthefunperson, @michealawithana, @yamihatarou, @heck-im-lost, @unlikelynightmareconnoisseur, @idkaurl, @bubblycricket, @fnp-alizay, @neonbluetiefling, @comicsimpson, @a-little-bit-of-ace

Roman rubbed his temple. The last of his classmates were emptying out, and he could hear the music drifting from the theater. You would think after a month he would be used to not going to rehearsal, but you would be wrong.

“Nooooo one-”

“No!” he could hear his director shout, bringing the piano notes to a halt. “You have to get your voice lower-”

Okay, maybe he didn’t miss everything about it. He just mainly missed being a part of something. And having something to distract from his thoughts. Like right now. He had to go to therapy and all he could think about was everything that had went wrong in the past week, and his mind was just not giving him a break. It would’ve been great to just belt something out now.

He had tried, once, to just sing by himself, but his dad had quickly shut that down. He said Roman was making too much noise, and when he had tried to explain what he was doing, his dad told them to go down to their home gym and work it off there. Roman knew technically that he wasn’t supposed to be exercising unsupervised, but what else could he do?

Roman slammed his locker shut and made his way out to the parking lot.

Instead of seeing his parents’ car, he saw Max’s, which was becoming a more common occurrence. When Max saw him approaching he tossed his keys. Roman reached his hands up to catch it but it slipped through his fingers. Max laughed.

“I don’t know why Dad wants you to go back to football, you suck,” he walked over to the passenger side, completely missing the look Roman gave him.

“What are you doing?” Roman asked, “I can’t drive your car.”

“Sure you can. You have your permit, I’m 23, get in.”

“But Mom and Dad have only taken me out once.”

“So? They don’t have time. I do.” With that, Max slides into the passenger seat and shuts the door.

Roman looks down at the keys and tries to breathe. He walks over to the front door and gets in.

“Breathe, baby bro. It’s just a car.”

“This car probably costs more than my life.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Max laughs, “It’ll be fine. It’s a straight shot down the highway. The only thing you need to worry about is the speed limit.” Max watches as Roman pulls out of the parking lot. “And I have a feeling you’ll be too slow.”

“I’m not denying that.”

“So,” Max says, leaning back, “How was school?”

Roman groans without thinking. Max raises his eyebrows.

“The Theatre used to be, like, this safe haven, this escape for me, now it’s the worst part of my day!” Roman bursts out, “Everyone in my class is in the musical except for me! They sing the songs constantly, the only thing they talk about is what happened in rehearsal the day before! And I-” I’m already an outsider at home, I can’t be one there, too. “It’s just annoying.”

“Hate to break it to you, but theater kids are annoying.” Roman frowns and Max backtracks, “It’s just a joke, Ro, sorry. But really, that does suck.”

“I don’t even know why I didn’t do it, it was stupid.”

“Then why did you drop it?”

“My...doctor...thought it would be good for me to take some time off and focus on my health.”

Max goes silent for a moment before saying, “Oh.”

“Oh? What do you mean ‘oh’?”

“I mean oh, that’s probably a good idea then.”

“I literally just said it was a stupid idea.”

“But if your doctor thinks it’s a good idea shouldn’t you listen to him?”

“I guess,” Roman says, “It’s just-” he takes a deep breath. He knows he can’t say too much, “I wish I could just do normal things and be...normal.”

“Are you feeling okay? I’ve never heard you say that before,” Silence falls, and Max glances over at Roman, who is staring out the window. “Oh. You’re serious.”

“Of course I am!” Roman says, “You think I don’t know how annoying I am? How overdramatic and irritating? Of course I want to be the sports star like every Prince before me. But I’m not. And lately, I can’t even act like a normal person.” Roman shakes his head. “Whatever, sorry for going off like that. It’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing, it’s just,” Max’s head falls back, “I am awful at this, but let me try. Eventually, you will be normal, you’re going to a doctor to make you normal-nope, that came out completely wrong.” Max winces, “Okay, um, you’re going to someone who’s going to make you your, uh, fabulous self again. And that’s good. Even if now it just feels like a long, agonizing process, that goal is within reach and you will get there, you just need a little help.”

“It’s not exactly little-”

“I know,” Max winces again, “I know that, Roman. I know that you’re hiding something-”

“What? I-”

“No, don’t. Don’t even bother denying it. A teacher was worried enough about you that they sent you to guidance counselor, and the guidance counselor was so concerned they got an outside therapy practice involved, and now you’ve been there for five months? And if you don’t want to tell us, that’s fine, you don’t have to. But I can’t keep pretending to believe you when you say you’re fine, you’re clearly not.”

Roman’s eyes immediately get misty at that, and he rubs his eyes.

“Are you crying?”

“If we could not address it, that’d be great,” Roman says, finally turning into Foster’s. Suddenly everything feels a little too real, and he needs to get out of this car.

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry. That was...a little intense. I just…”

“We can talk after,” Roman says, pulling into a parking space, “I’m going to be late.” Technically, he’s fifteen minutes early, but he needs Max to leave.

“Okay, we’ll-” Roman shuts the door before Max can continue talking.

Only after his little brother disappears into the building does he let his head fall against the dash once, twice, three times. God, he had to get better at this.

“I just had the strangest conversation with my brother,” Roman says, sitting in his usual seat next to Patton. “Like I think it was a heart to heart but it also felt like an interrogation.”

“Aww, that’s nice of him! At least he tried?” Patton says.

“If he even attempted a heart to heart, he gets an A for effort. That shit’s hard,” Virgil says, “What was it about?”

“Ugh,” Roman groans, “Can’t we wait until Picani gets here before we start having serious talk time?”

“Don’t have to wait long, then!” Picani says, sticking his head in. “What are we having serious talk time about?”

“My brother,” Roman sighs, knowing he’s not getting around this now, “We had this weird conversation, I told him I wanted to be normal, and snowballed into this whole thing about me coming here and how he knows I’m hiding something. It was just really weird.”

“Hiding something?” Patton asks.

“I may not have told my family about my eating disorder,” Roman admits, “Not because I don’t trust them! I just don’t want to stress them out or anything.”

“Are you sure it’s really about stressing them out?” Dr. Picani asks.

“Of course, what else would it be?”

“Are you afraid of disappointing them, perhaps? Is that why you suddenly feel the need to be ‘normal,’ as you put it?”

“I want to be normal because I failed at greatness. I tried to be brilliant and bold, but I ended up being annoying and overdramatic. I’m the joke of the family, the outcast of the theatre department, who knows what else I could fail at?”

“So you want to give up instead?” Logan asks.

“Not give up, just...aim lower,” Roman says, his voice quieter than usual. “Is there something wrong with that?”

“Well, yes, in a sense,” Dr. Picani says. “There’s something wrong in the sense that normal doesn’t exist, and aiming for what could be considered ‘normal’ by others means your dictating your life on what other people think, which is not what we want for you.”

“I just want to eat!” Roman snaps. “Sorry, I just...it’s been a long week.”

“We’ll discuss this more in our individual, Roman,” Emile says, gently, “But we have something else to accomplish today, something I think will also help you. We need to set some more goals for you guys.”

“Like what?” Patton asks, his voice a little too chipper.

“Well, like last time, that’s mainly up to you guys,” Dr. Picani says, “What do you think would be a good stepping stone? Though, I will say this, Roman, I think it would be a good idea to open up to Max a little bit more this time around.”

“Open up? How much?” Roman asks.

“As much as you want. Remember, you guys are in control here.”

“I...guess I could do that,” he replies, tentatively.

“Good! What about the rest of you?”

There’s a bit of silence before Virgil sighs.

“If Roman can open up to his brother, I guess I can open up to my aunt.”

“Ooh, that’s a great idea!” Emile says, making a note of it.

“Yeah, well, she’s been trying. I might as well meet her halfway.”

“I’m glad you see it that way, Virgil.”

“I’ve noticed recently that there are very few foods I eat,” Logan speaks up, “I think the natural way to progress would be to expand that. So...maybe some fruits?”

“Okay, good step,” his therapist says.

Four heads turn to Patton, who is focusing on the ground.

“I...don’t know.”

“That’s okay!” Dr. Picani says, “We can think of one. Personally, based on what Dr. Sanders has told me, I think you should try eating something for breakfast.”

That makes Patton look up. “You want me to eat more?”

“If this is up for discussion,” Virgil says, “I think he should work on being nicer to himself.”

“I’m nice everybody, don’t worry about that!” Patton says, trying to blow off that idea before anyone can say it’s a good one.

“We literally all know that’s a lie,” Logan says. Patton’s smile falls.

“Virgil’s got a point,” Emile says. “A very good one, in fact. Have you heard of affirmations?”

“Yes.”

“Has Dr. Sanders given them to you?”

“Yes.”

“Did you actually recite them out loud, into a mirror?”

“Well, no, not like that, just...to myself…”

“Ah, but then they don’t work as well. That settles it! I want you to come up with a positive affirmation with Dr. Sanders and recite it at least five times before next week.”

“I can do that,” Patton says, voice tight. He clears it, then tries again, “I can do that.”

“Great!” their therapist says, “Then I’ll see you all back next week.”

#like it or not #sanders sides #sanders sides fic #sanders sides fanfic #roman sanders

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peachymess · 5 years

Text

The lawyer update

Well, as some of you probably saw, I had a little vent session a few days ago, about a lawyer. The most keen of you may already know I got a lawyer for something in October last year - but I suppose it’s an open secret to most of you, so I’ll just start from the top.

I’m a long time mentall health struggler, and due to this, I have ended up needing welfare for the time being. The plan is to build a solid foundation to stand and grow on. I can’t focus on recovery before my life has stability. And that’s what I’ve been working on. I went through a several years long process of applying for this and that - only to be ALLOWED to apply for welfare. It was made clear to me that it was not a matter of “if”, but “when”. I talked to my case worker about getting a loan to get a permanent apartment (moving once a year has really worn me out over the years and keeps me uprooted), and she told me it seemed like the natural progression. Long story short, I got a loan from the bank based on what I would get from welfare - AHEAD of actually GETTING welfare (yes, that is how confident my caseworker, psychologist and bank were that I’d get welfare; after all, I meet every criteria and then some)... and then I finally get my answer. I am granted welfare! Hooray! And they agree I’m 100% in need (you can be granted different %s based on how well/non-functioning you are. They gave me 100%, meaning they absolutely agree that I do not function well enough to maintain any kind of self-sustainable income.

HOWEVER... I am eligible for “young welfare” as well - basically a slightly heightened income, granted younger people on welfare. This is the same as regular welfare, just an extra 1.5k a year or so, since you tend to be sitting on less at the time of falling ill, if you fall ill early in your life. This is for people who fell ill before turned 26 and who are still “young” - criterias I meet. The only difference in criteria from young to regular, is that they are generally stricter with “young”; you have to be “like super seriously” ill, not just legitemately ill.

The loan I got at the bank was based on the income I’d get including the “young” bonus (that I was told I’d get because I am exactly the kind of person this kind of thing was created for)... but in the same letter as where they told me they’d granted me 100% welfare, they also told me they’d be denying me the young bonus. Because, and I (loosely, from memory) quote: “although we do not contest that you feel like your illness is hard to bear, we do not see that it affects you in your day to day life”. This is absolutely laughable to absolutely everyone involved, except them. I am definitely affected (as they even agree themselves, giving me full welfare). I won’t go into detail to prove I’m affected, because this is not about me defending my claim as ill because the base of this post is that I AM ill, and thus what the process has been to claim the help I need because of it. But let’s just say: I am ill, and my life consists mainly of just managing this illness. Not only did they ask me to write a several pages long essay on my day to day, in one evening, knowing full well it would be a mental strain on me, but then they proceed to not take it into consideration. I didnt know whether to laugh or to cry (- so I did both, lol). I have an inkling that they deny people young bonus on their first application because it’s more money out of their pocket to say yes, and because ill people don’t have the energy to do all the paperwork needed to complain. Not to mention, in addition to the bonus, if you are granted young welfare, they are supposed to reimburse you for the time between applying and being accepted too (which often takes up to 8 months) - and in some instances, from the time you fell ill, which in my case can potentially be a lot of money give the fact that I “fell ill” a long time ago and only gradually got worse so nobody quite knows where to pinpoint the start. But whatever, irrelevant, because I wasn’t granted young bonus anyways. Cute. I’m sure it’s got nothing to do with that.

Anyways, because of my situation, I was eligible for free justice aid. Which nobody, of course, informs you about because they don’t want you to know. But my mother stumbled accross a story about something similar to mine and so she contacted a firm and they said yep send that sucker over and we’ll help. So I got a mail from them saying I had the right to their help for free (save a 150 fee + the cost of them getting all my records from doctors, about 250USD in the end) so I signed and they set off to work... or so I thought. This was in October. I only had 30 days to send in my complaint to get a second review from the welfare guys - and the lawyers did indeed send in a letter telling them that a further complaint letter would be sent. But in November my lawyer told me she had gotten all my records and would need a few weeks to read through them... then she went silent until mid- March. Count your fingers, guys. Start of October till mid March is half a year. Minus the month she used to get all my records, she’s been leaving me on read for 5 months while my deadline for complaining ran out early November.

After calling her and mailing her a lot, she finally sent me a mail telling me she was sorry and that she had been home with sick kids and been sick herself. And you know. That’s fine. But not for half a year. Either 1. She took a sick leave, at which case she should have notificed me and/or assigned me to one of the others in the team, or 2. She didn’t transfer me because she didn’t take sickleave, in which case she should have been able to find the time to send a single mail updating me on why it was taking half a year.

In either case, thanks a lot for half a year of extra worry (why wont she answer? What if they won’t accept the complaint now since it’s been so long? What if she’s just gonna screw me over?). But whatever. What had me choking earlier this week, was that - after finally communicating with me again in March and promising to have the job done “this week” two weeks in a row - she contacted me again week 3, fishing about my job (the one I do for about 5 hours once a week and struggle to handle) until she had enough details to tell me that “oh that’s too bad, you don’t meet the requirements for rights to free justice aid now. So, you’ll have to pay me for the work I’ve done this half a year, and either do the rest of the job yourself, or keep paying me for my work going forward on top of what you owe me so I can complete the job - of which the majority still remains”. 1. I don’t have the money to pay her for half a year of jack shit. 2. If I don’t also then continue to pay her for the job I initially hired her for, I won’t win my case and get the money I’m entitled to either and this will have been a major loss, plus I’ll keep struggling to pay down my loan which is too big for me since it was based on higher income.

What’s extra bitter is I JUST blew all my savings on a vacation coming this August and I felt like an absolute ass for having spent what was apparently needed to be a buffer for shit like this, on tickets I can’t return. I had my priorities all wrong, and it made me feel like it was my fault for using my money so wastefully, even if I’ve been saving for years and going hungry a lot for when I run short. How could I complain about money to her or welfare for that matter, when I could spend my savings on a trip? I’m already feeling the consequences of my irresponsible actions and I’ll work to make up for them - however, I am making a consious choice to separate these two matters, as my rights still stand, bad prioritizing not withstanding.

The thing is, she was hired to contest the denial of money aid. She was aware from the getgo that I’d be receiving welfare (and exceed the limit of rights) come November. So she either should have not told me I’d have right to free help because she’d take more than a month to write a counter complaint (at which point my financial situation would change by about 300USD a month, which made all the difference), or she should have done the job within that allotted time. She told me I had this right going in. She did not tell me I needed to remain in the same financial situation throughout the entire case - nor did she tell me she’d use half a year and then some.

Instead of lying down and taking this beating like a dog, I have long since learned that institutions and the likes, will generally not go out of their way to help you. So I stay on my guard at all times, for better or worse. Had I not, I might be dead right now (throwback to that time I was severely siuicid and lost my right to a psychologist out of the blue because I was being transferred from one psychologist to another - que about a year and a half of “end of the rope Peach” writing complaints and making calls and working to deman that help back, I’m still so pissed that they apparently drop deathly ill patients like that; what about those not strong enough to contest this?!).

So I went to tumblr to vent about this shit situation of me suddenly oweing a lawyer an ungodly amount of money for half a year of “work” when I already only barely get by with my too big loan etc. and I was lured into it being told I would NOT have to pay. I found it hard to believe that she didn’t drag the days out just to make me enter into the new financial situation where I just barely exceeded the limit.

But while I vented, I also knew that once I was done blowing some steam, I’d get back on my horse and work until I found a solution. There is no other option. In the meantime, I sent that mail to my mother. She got in contact with my lawyer while I was having a cry, and the lawyer admitted that she didn’t know enough about the stipulations around this particular law/right, so she would send the case to her boss to have a look at.

The day after or so, she got back to us and she said that aha j/k you DO have the right to free justice aid! I’ll get right on the case and have it done within this week or the next!

See, this is the lesson, kids: don’t just lie down and take whatever people throw at you. If I had just said “ok guess I’ll just have to scrape together what I can throughout the year”, I’d have ended up in serious debt to a lawyer I didn’t even owe another penny. I’m not telling you to be difficult in every single instance (don’t become the “I want to speak to your manager about this slightly smaller than average chicken nugget”-woman); pick your battles - but do, indeed, pick some of them. The big ones. Because you don’t always have to accept all the shit you’re being presented with. Sometimes there is something in it for you to put your foot down.

TL;DR: lawyer hired to help me win a case of state withholding money I have the right to, suddenly demands a lot of extra money for her work, which would put me in severe debt. But I said um no and she retracted her demand. Bullet dodged, but oh man the unnecessary stress.

Or: the story of how I have the best mom in the world.

#personal #👍#life is easy #so grateful i live in norway though #i am taken care of after all #it just doesnt come for free; you have to be really god damn strong to be sick

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danfanciesphil · 6 years

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Some Kind Of Folliful (New Fic!)

Edgelord!Dan x ObliviousBisexual!Phil AU (based off the 80′s classic Some Kind of Wonderful)

Synopsis: Dan has one friend, and only because he was forced into it. Phil is loud, excitable, and irritatingly happy all of the time. Phil seems to find Dan's perpetual attitude funny, and despite Dan's best efforts to shun him and everyone else, wants to be around him all the time. That is, until Phil starts talking about Amanda Jones. Word Count: WIP (Estimated 12-15 chapters) updates every Tuesday Rating: Explicit Warnings: Smoking, swearing, implied prostitution, broken home, class divide/classism, pining, light homophobia, sex

Back at it again, kids! Highly recommend checking this out/subscribing to this on Ao3!

“You know Amanda Jones?”

Dan stops scrubbing the counter for a moment, blindsided by the strange question.

“From school?” Dan asks.

Phil nods.

“Hardy Jenns’ insipid arm candy, you mean?”

Phil rolls his eyes, hitching himself up onto a nearby countertop. “If you like.”

“I just cleaned that,” Dan complains; Phil doesn’t move an inch. “Yeah, I know her. Why d’you ask?”

Phil shrugs, swinging his feet to and fro. “What do you think of her?”

“Uh… I don’t. She’s part of a social structure I’d rather stay far away from.”

“Which is?”

Dan rolls his eyes. “You know. All that ridiculous status quo, popularity contest stuff. High school politics.”

“You mean ‘cause she’s one of the Elite?” Phil smirks knowingly.

“I think Elite is a strong word,” Dan grumbles, walking over to the sink to rinse out the cloth. “Rich, snobby assholes would be a more appropriate term for them.”

Phil snorts in amusement. Dan turns from the sink to survey him, brow furrowing.

“Why are you asking me about Amanda Jones?”

“I just think she’s interesting,” Phil answers, shrugging. “You know she’s not rich, don’t you?”

Dan sighs, grabbing the disinfectant spray off the side. He starts spraying the fridge door with it, wiping it down with the cloth.

“Yeah, I heard something about that,” Dan says after a moment. “She lives on our side of town, right? Big deal.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Dan huffs another sigh, already sick of this conversation. “Phil, she might have a trailer-trash bloodline, but she runs with the rich and the beautiful. It’s guilt by association.”

“Okay, that’s ridiculous,” Phil says with a snort.

Dan just glares, moving to the sink at Phil's side. Phil aims a kick at him as he passes, but Dan scoots out of his path.

“You can’t just hate her because of who she hangs out with,” Phil persists, so Dan whirls around to whack him with the wet cloth, making him shriek. “Hey!"

“Why can’t I?” He asks. “The way that girl and her big-money, cruel-heart society spit on everyone is not ‘interesting’. It’s pathetic.”

“She’s the only one who’s ever made it across the tracks, though,” Phil points out, as though this is some great achievement. “That’s pretty interesting, you’ve gotta admit.”

“She clawed her way to the dark side because she’s skinny and beautiful and leapt into bed with Hardy Jenns as soon as she snagged his attention,” Dan snaps; Phil raises his eyebrows at the tone.

“You sound pretty defensive,” Phil notes. He folds his arms and leans back against the wall, smirking again. “Jealous?”

Traitorously, Dan feels his cheeks grow a little warm. He turns away and snatches up the stock list in order to give him something to focus on.

“Of her? Don’t be stupid,” Dan mutters. “She’s got the charisma of a linoleum tile.”

“She is pretty though, isn’t she?” Phil muses.

Dan spins to face him, jabbing an accusatory finger in his direction. “I knew this was about that.”

“About what?”

“About your sex drive.”

“I didn’t say anything about sex.”

“Oh, right,” Dan says, rolling his eyes again. “Wanna start a book club with her?”

Phil snorts, jumping down from the counter at last. He grins at Dan as he sidles towards him. “Maybe.”

“Phil,” Dan sighs, trying hard to ignore the way his body stiffens as Phil steps closer. “Take my advice and let this go.”

“Dan, I’m just interested in her,” Phil says, one of his hands finding the end of Dan’s apron tie – ever the flirt. “I’m allowed to think she’s interesting.”

Dan shakes his head. “Don’t go roaming where you don’t belong.”

“You sound like an old wizard or something,” Phil says around a smile.

He’s standing so close now. He has a specific, sweet aroma that Dan’s pretty sure he produces without the aid of deodorant or perfume. It’s a tangy, syrupy scent, like caramelising sugar as it’s poured over a red, crisp apple. Dan has never known anybody smell so naturally delicious aside from Phil.

“If I was, I’d cast a banishing spell so that you’d stop pestering me at work.” Dan yanks his apron tie out of Phil’s hand, moving swiftly away.

It’s useless to stress the point though, he knows. It doesn’t matter how often Dan tells Phil he can’t keep showing up at the café while he’s working, wheedling free coffees, straining the Wi-Fi, and worst of all wandering through into the kitchen where he is absolutely not allowed – he’s never going to listen. Phil’s just not the type of guy who pays attention to rules like that. It’s not that Phil is a hardened criminal, he’s just a bit odd that way. He’s a dreamer, so things like hygiene regulations and fire safety probably don’t filter very far through the hazy, rose-tinted cloud of his brain.

It helps that he’s so confident, too. Whereas Dan has a tendency to turn his emotions inwards, Phil has a bright, exuberant personality, and no qualms about expressing himself to anyone at any time. He’ll chat with anybody: from the homeless man on the street corner, to the peculiar woman who walks her five corgis through the park every afternoon. Heck, he’ll even stop to converse with the corgis themselves. He’s obscenely likeable, really, and he gets away with a lot because he’s so friendly and chatty that it’s sort of impossible to be annoyed with him. Dan knows this far too well, unfortunately. Though, out of everyone, he’s probably the most successful person to maintain a level of annoyance with Phil Lester.

“You love it,” Phil says, his smirk stretching into a full on grin. “You want me to do it more.”

“I do not, as it happens, love getting fired,” Dan retorts, hoping the warmth in his cheeks isn’t as obvious as it feels. He distracts himself by walking to the far shelves under the pretence of further stock-checks. “You know how much of a bollocking I got from Jenns last time he saw you in here.”

“Yeah, but he’s not here now,” Phil says. “If he shows up, which he won’t because he never bothers to, then I’ll just hide in the pantry.”

“Louise is gonna be here in a second,” Dan warns, ignoring him. “She won’t be happy either.”

Phil scoffs. “She’s easy to get round.”

“Oh, am I?”

Dan and Phil whip round to face the back door of the kitchen, through which enters Louise, her bouncy blonde curls springing free as she removes her thick scarf.

Phil grins sheepishly at her. “I just mean you’re too lovely to kick me out.”

“Nice try, Lester,” Louise says, one eyebrow raised. “C’mon, hit the road. You can flirt with Dan after his shift is over.”

Phil pouts, but begrudgingly seems to accept that he has to get going. He finds his bag and hitches it up onto one shoulder, sighing.

“Fine. It’s boring here, anyway,” he says at last, and Dan glowers at him.

“Why do you listen to her and not me?” Dan asks.

Phil laughs, walking over to nudge Dan with his shoulder. “She’s just got an air of authority about her. Don’t take it personally.”

“I hate you,” Dan says, scowling as he pushes past Phil towards the door to the customer counter.

“Love you too!” Phil calls, still laughing; Dan rolls his eyes. “Come over later, yeah? I wanna hear more about your contempt for the bourgeoisie.”

“Bye, Phil,” Dan calls over his shoulder, stressing the farewell.

He hears the click of the back door as Phil leaves, and tries to ignore the pang in his chest, knowing that now he has four hours of his shift left without Phil’s inane chatter to keep him company. He sighs, hating himself for being such a hypocrite.

“Dan!” Louise calls out. “Come wipe Phil’s assprints off the countertops.”

A week passes, and Phil doesn’t drop the Amanda thing. It’s baffling to Dan, who has never so much as heard Phil name a serious, real-life crush in all the years they’ve been friends. Sure, he jokes that his heart is forever beating for Buffy Summers, but as she’s fictional and a literal superhero, Dan hadn’t really taken it too seriously. Now, out of seemingly nowhere, Phil has become, for lack of a better term, obsessed with a girl who is, in Dan’s eyes, shockingly mediocre.

Sure, she’s absolutely gorgeous. There’s no point in denying that, as you’d have to be blind or dumb not to recognise her dainty, symmetrical features, or the waft of shiny, nutella-brown locks cascading past her cute, studded ears. Her figure is something out of a seedy magazine. She’s petite and skinny, with a waist you could close a fist around and boobs the size of cantaloupe melons. She’s very, very pretty. But that doesn’t make her interesting. Dan has tried to explain this to Phil countless times since he first brought her up, but he doesn’t appear to even listen. He’ll just laugh or shake his head fondly, as though Dan were the one with the bizarre perspective of the situation.

“You can’t judge a book by its cover,” Phil had said to him one such time.

They’d been lying on Phil’s bed, staring up at his ceiling. Something was playing on Phil’s TV in the corner, but neither of them were paying attention.

“Yeah, but you can tell how much it’s gonna cost,” Dan had replied, a tad bitterly perhaps.

Phil had been quiet for a moment after that, and for a second Dan thought he might’ve actually gotten through. But then it was back to Amanda, back to how surprisingly sweet and clever and smart she seemed… from a distance. Because that’s another thing – Phil has never actually spoken to this girl. The reason for this is not because Phil is shy. He is possibly the least shy person Dan has ever known, in fact. The issue is that Amanda Jones is an esteemed member of the Elite, and Phil is… well, not. According to the hideously boring social structure of St Anthony’s Secondary School, any attempt Phil makes to cross the rickety bridge between his level of popularity and Amanda’s – even for so much as a conversation – would be practically suicidal.

Hardy Jenns, Amanda’s shit-head boyfriend, and coincidentally the son of Dan’s boss, would pound Phil to a mushy pulp if he so much as sniffed a rumour that he might be trying to chat up his girl. There are basically a whole plethora of reasons why Phil should just forget about Amanda altogether, but Dan cannot seem to convince him of this no matter how hard he tries. He drags on the stub of his cigarette as he considers all of this, trying to make it last. He hasn’t got any more after this one. A new pack of smokes would probably bankrupt him, too. He chucks the burnt out end on the ground and squashes it with the toe of his boot. Before all this came up with Phil, Dan spent maybe one minute of his life concerned with the boring, vapid lives of the Elite. Now, he has to engage in lengthy conversations about them every damn day. Even worse is that, as Phil is pretty much Dan’s only friend at school, there’s no relief from it.

His lack of friends willing to discuss non-Amanda related topics is entirely self-inflicted however. He’s projected an ‘unapproachable’ vibe for as long as he can remember, because it suits him to have his peers see him as a loner. He is a loner, after all. Except for Phil, of course. According to Phil, other people at school see him as mysterious, and alternative. He’s got some admirers, apparently, though Phil might be teasing him about that. Dan honestly could not care less how anyone at St Anthony's perceives him. As long as nobody actually talks to him, he’s fine with letting them think whatever they want.

Of course, Phil is a separate matter. Because even Dan can admit that having one person to talk to, or sit with, or just hang around during his down time, is a lot better than having nobody at all. Up until Year Nine, Dan’s school life was totally devoid of friendship. He’d thought, at the time, that he didn’t mind it. And then, like a comet bursting through an endlessly dull night sky, Phil appeared.

Dan had been sat in Chemistry at the beginning of term, already having chosen himself a seat at the back, in the corner by the window. Nobody picked the seat beside him, obviously, which was far from a surprise. And then Phil pushed into the lab, late - which Dan would later discover is one of his most prominent character traits. The teacher, irritated, asked Phil to find a seat. And that's where Dan's life transcended from utterly mundane, into bafflingly, ridiculously absurd. Because Phil swept that sharp bblue gaze across maybe five empty stools. He smiled at his friends waving manically, he ignored the frantic hands gesturing for him to sit beside them, and fixated on Dan, alone, scowling, in the far left corner. He plonked himself right down in the space next to him, his broad smile never faltering. Nothing has been the same since.

“Have we ever even met?” Dan had asked him, horrified by the audacity of this strange, perpetually happy person.

“We’re meeting now!” Phil had replied, grinning infectiously. He stuck out his hand for Dan to shake, and for some reason, Dan just did.

He’d tried in vain, after that first day, to be cold towards Phil. He’d tried to speak to him with only the bare minimum, answering Science-related stuff monosyllabically, or pretending he didn’t know the answer at all. Phil never bought the act. He laughed at Dan’s attempts to shrug him off. He teased and prodded and joked until Dan couldn’t hide the responding smile any more. He followed Dan about after class, telling him stupid anecdotes about his encounters with the squirrels outside, or prattling on about his latest clumsy incident.

It didn’t seem to matter to Phil that Dan barely ever responded. He was just content to lean against the lockers beside Dan’s while he rummaged inside, rambling about his newest art projects. He seated himself in the cafeteria next to Dan, tilting his phone screen to show him funny memes and videos of dogs. He’s the most persistent person Dan has ever known, to date, and he still has no clue why Phil didn’t just give up. But eventually, Dan was worn down. He began laughing at Phil’s stupid, unfunny puns. He sent Phil an occasional meme of his own over text. He made suggestions about what Phil should draw next. He started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer , and texted Phil his opinions. It must have been an agonising few months of slow, tortoise-like progress for Phil, but they did become friends. By the time Christmas rolled around, Dan had someone in his life that actually cared enough to buy him a present.

Dan, who had never bought a Christmas present for anyone in his life, let alone received one, felt terrible, but Phil just gave him a hug, and told him it was fine. They’d watched stupid Christmas films on Boxing Day, wearing the paper hats from the Christmas Crackers Phil insisted they pull. It must have been around then that he finally accepted Phil as someone he didn’t mind having around. He dreads to think of what might happen if, somehow, Phil actually makes it across the Elite border and begins weaselling his way into the cool crowd. Those snooty kids are sure as hell not going to accept Dan as a member over there, even if they do, for whatever reason, make an allowance for Phil. Not that Dan has any interest whatsoever in associating himself with half-witted phonies, sipping the Kool-Aid of their conservative lifestyle.

“Hey,” a voice interrupts his reminiscence, startling him. He glances up at Phil, feeling caught out somehow. “Are you waiting for me? I thought you were working today?”

Dan stands up form the cold, brick wall he’s been sat on for the past half hour, resisting the urge to rub his sore ass.

“Not waiting for you, just smoking. Louise swapped my shift with Zoe,” Dan explains, shifting to discreetly work some life back into his numb buttocks.

“No way!” Phil exclaims, ridiculously excited by the news. His face lights up in a grin, and Dan has to look away or he’ll start smiling back like a lunatic. “Awesome! Surprise Dan-time.”

Phil slings his arm around Dan’s shoulders. He tuts and gives a half-hearted attempt at shrugging him off, but Phil knows him too well to take the bait, so he just squeezes Dan tighter as they begin their walk home.

“What do you wanna do?” Dan asks, heart picking up its pace a little. Don't say my house, don't say my house-

“I need your help, actually. Wanna come over for a bit?”

Dan’s shoulders sag in relief as they take the turning towards Phil’s street.

“Please tell me this is not Amanda Jones-related.”

“Maybe,” Phil says, aiming a guilty glance at him. “Come on, please? For me?” Phil begs, making Dan roll his eyes. “Besides, if you help me out, then I’ll stop talking your ear off about her.” Phil pauses. “Maybe.”

Dan sighs, contemplating how to respond. He’s said everything he can think of to dissuade Phil from this Amanda thing. He supposes could flat-out refuse to help. He could list all the reasons Amanda Jones is bad news for the zillionth time. He could storm off in a huff. But Dan has been looking forward to surprising Phil with this afternoon off work. He wants to chill out with the one person whom he can truly relax with, no matter what the topic of discussion is. Besides, Phil is far too pig-headed to listen to a word of Dan’s feeble protestations anyway.

“Ugh, fine,” Dan relents, not bothering to hide the reluctance in his tone.

Phil stops in the middle of the street to wrap him in an absurdly tight bear hug.

“You’re the best, Dan.”

“Get the fuck off me, you freak.”

Phil laughs, and squeezes harder.

(Chapter Two posted next Tuesday!)

#phan #phanfic #phan au #some kind of folliful

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timreyals-blog · 5 years

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Does Psychology Bring Happiness?

Does psychology bring me happiness? No, it doesn’t. While most other people try to buy their happiness, devote their lives to external (mystical) purposes or get involved in communities, or whatever else they do to achieve their sense of happiness, psychology can’t be taken away from me because it's in my head. This makes it stable.

Material possessions can be either lost or stolen-They therefore require security/protection (which causes both stress and additional costs-Unnecessary costs because security doesn't solve problems and protection is only ever necessary when a threat exists). External purposes can be proven false or to not exist, causing it to require willful ignorance and cognitive dissonance; Communities can easily shun people for whatever reason, because they’re irrational. Therefore, none of these are stable sources of happiness.

So, psychology is untouchable, yet, it doesn’t provide me happiness? That’s only because there are problems that can’t be solved because other people are refusing to make necessary social and economic changes, and no matter how loud I yell, or how many times I repeat myself-They still won’t budge. They will only resort to tactics or various fallacies in defense of their positions. I know to question people, but: 1. I'm the only one who does, and 2. They will only make excuses for themselves and walk away.

I am obligated to deal with problems caused by these people; Many don't even see them as problems.

What is happiness? There are a few components that I think happiness depends on: 1. Knowing who you are and being happy with it. This is the only possible happiness because only the person can lose self-esteem. This world being as hateful as it is, the skill to just either question or ignore insults [change if the insult is actually (unintentionally) accurate], is the security. 2. Having abundant access to life’s needs and indulging in the natural aspects of our being (relationships, education, experience, etc.).

Relationships are a grey area, for psychological reasons: Many adults are forced to either end a relationship or suffer it, because the partner is mentally ill. This means happiness can't exist within a relationship for many, because they're unable to find somebody who is rational; Somebody who is rational not under influence (their actual self). This doesn't mean relationships are not part of the equation of happiness, it only means human psychology prevents many from finding a healthy one.

If true love does exist, many people are indoctrinated, and are therefore not their true self; Which means such people would actually be somebody’s “soul mate”, but the indoctrination prevents such a relationship from either happening, or causes the relationship to break up.

I've heard that some people refuse to end the relationship for some reason, because their spouse is mentally ill and they either don’t want to be single or they got married and have kids. These people are only enabling their spouse, therefore, ending the relationship becomes their responsibility for this reason. If these people got married, well, the price they end up paying is the price for their error of getting married.

This world restricts and limits in the manner that we are all obligated to earn life’s needs. You’re criminal if you take without paying, you can only have what you can afford and you can’t have anything without money, or at least having worked for it. Relationships are no different, they can still exist, but, they aren't much fun without an income.

While psychology is how and why people think and behave, skilled people can help others achieve mental stability, if the problem is only an error in thinking. Psychology can’t be the source of happiness if they aren’t the ones who caused a particular problem and also can’t correct or change something to solve it-If they’re forced to deal with those problems while having no control over things.

Psychology needs to be in effect on a global scale, for it to enable and maintain a state of mental well being. It’s not about anybody in particular, but everybody. Jobs are the problem that I’m facing, something that holds me back from fully experiencing life without having one, the same goes with most other people. Ironically, having a job is also what holds most of us back from fully experiencing life. Jobs are therefore, a paradox.

To have a job is to sacrifice that percentage of the day, which can't be spent doing other things we want to do. To not have one, means to not have the money to do anything. This is the paradox.

I see employment as the problem, but most others don't, so, they think I have the problem and I'm the one who needs to change. Many others will complain, but, that's just a part of life to them.

In this world, with the social backwardness, which causes violence, hate, corruption, etc. a world of order, not balance, I need psychology for protection against all negatives-Those who are inept and seek to bring others down with them, or simply feel sorry for themselves but don’t seek self improvement. People who will only perpetuate the social decline, due to psychological weakness. Even positives-Those who are unrealistically optimistic about their own lives and future, while self-projecting their own views onto others.

These people preach their false contentment onto others. Completely and irresponsibly disregarding any issue(s) others are facing, telling them to cheer up, be happy and don’t worry, simply because they are happy. Or at least try to convince themselves and think they are. This world is not the way it is because people communicate and solve problems.

What I mean by “psychology against all negatives” is, I need to question everything and everybody who tries to bring me down or convince me to adhere to their antisocial and fascist worldview. I also need to understand why people have the mentalities they do. Many will give their side of the story about a problem in their lives, not realizing whomever they’re confiding in, doesn’t have everybody else’s side, so, they can’t know what’s actually going on-Many people are dishonest or are simply wrong.

I agree that worrying is useless because it doesn’t solve problems. However, I can look past that because other people cause many problems and believe in many falsehoods (jobs, the legal system, etc.) which everybody else is obligated to comply with and conform to, while nobody solves problems. They instead delegate such responsibilities onto other people and higher causes.

“It wasn’t meant to be”:

This is nonsense. If any opportunities are lost or relationships don't happen, it's because some obstacle prevented them. No greater cause is responsible, only conditions that we've created against ourselves and others, like jobs.

Given that the economy actually causes a strong interference with everybody’s life (I can’t say it dictates our life because people are able to interact), it does hold a lot back from people. People are denied relationships and opportunities because of financial complications, so, to tell anybody “it wasn’t meant to be.” when something either doesn’t happen or fails, is nonsense. The purpose of the economy is to produce for our own survival, not social management. The worship of money is a neurosis because it's purpose is only to purchase, it's never supposed to be valued over life.

Again, given that relationships are essentially maintained by money, maybe I don’t want one, maybe I'm wrong to want one (in economic terms, which is what relationships are actually based on). If I do ever meet somebody, great. If I never do, so be it. I was born into this monetary economy with no options [other than to starve (which others would fallaciously call an option) if I don’t want to work for a living], I can’t change it either, which means it’s a problem I didn’t cause, but, I also can’t solve.

I say that's fallacious because if nobody would ever choose to starve, they're only calling it an option to defend money/capitalism against others who challenge it.

Yes, relationships often end, and usually for the stupidest of reasons. Most relationships are marriages, which makes them difficult to end because certain third parties (divorce lawyers) have their hand in it. This unnecessarily adds hardship to the break-up process, which also intensifies the emotional aspect of it. Does this mean relationships are unstable? Not really. If adults were mature and responsible, they would discuss matters and be able to decide whether or not to end it, which would then be on good terms, if they do end it.

Confusing pleasure with happiness

I’ve already explained that material possessions are unstable because they can be either lost or stolen, they are also unstable because people tend to get bored with them, the pleasure isn’t always lifelong. That’s also it though, pleasure isn’t happiness, it’s sensual gratification. Happiness is mental well-being. Sex is the most pleasurable human experience known to us, and it’s completely natural. Sex isn’t happiness though, because that would mean people can never stop making love. The physical touch is obviously also pleasurable, not just the orgasm, but sex is only a factor, in the equation of a relationship. Relationships alone aren’t even a form of happiness, it’s only a factor of it.

The big picture:

I would say happiness consists of the true self, people who think for themselves because they agree with everything they do, for their own reasons and not what others have convinced them of. Possessing the critical thinking skills to debunk false information and bad opinions down. People who live how they want to, not try to fit in. Those who a psychologically strong enough to ignore peer pressure.

This doesn’t mean people are bad if they’re unable to. Many have the misfortunes of an insufficient upbringing (severe in many cases), which means their environment decides their fate. Many don’t have a chance, and they end up in the point of no return. Meaning, they’re mentally beyond any reasoning, so, it’s best to just wait until they’re gone.

This occurs because those who claim to be “skeptical freethinkers”, are anything but. Everybody who disagrees with anybody else-Who resorts to name calling, insults, ridicule and hate when those with bad ideologies ignore any kind of facts, are no better. Everybody should be questioning them instead. The solution really is the problem underneath.

I think many people are living the wrong idea of happiness-They've merely accepted the way the world is (the way things are), and are erroneously calling that happiness. It isn't so, because they're only accepting what little they have as they're being denied the rest in life.

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