#at some point i convinced myself that a change of place and building a new life would make me happier than rotting in my parents house
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what do you do when the girl you spent the better part of the last decade in love with calls you up to tell you they dumped their girlfriend and quit their job and would you like to go spend a couple weeks on a beach in greece with them because they miss you and love you (not like that) . and you miss them and love them (not like that. anymore) and you’re probably not getting into grad school anyway and even if you did you can’t keep moving countries to start over because that doesn’t fix things and you could use the money you have saved that you were gonna put towards tuition to buy a plane ticket and sublet a beach villa instead. because you miss them and you love them and you’re tired of missing them and loving them has always felt good and you never feel good anymore and whatever maybe you can just have a lovely few weeks in fuckin greece and just. that’s enough you don’t have to try more than that they go back home and you stay on a beach in greece for as long as anyone else will remember . hypothetically. you should do that, right
#this is rhetorical look away!!!!#it’s an either/or : this or trying to go to grad school#but the thing is#at some point i convinced myself that a change of place and building a new life would make me happier than rotting in my parents house#in my hometown where i feel like im in a timeloop sometimes#but it wouldn’t? i Love my friends but. i am sad here and i was sad in scotland and i was sad in cambridge and. i will be sad wherever i go#it’s not a fixable thing#being around beth is a bandaid on it#so maybe i should slap the bandaid on buy a plane ticket and then. whatever i will be sad After or#i know i sound insane but the thing about being obsessive is that when one person physically has your back when you are 20 years old#it makes sense that they feel like the only thing that will help fix it#sorry this sounds strung out i have like three different things in my system that i will sleep off and be fine im not having a meltdown#this just feels like a Decision To Be Made and i thought typing it out would help give me some clarity or whatever#made a list but i wrote ‘washed your hair when you couldnt do it’ and i’ll be so honest that’s all the convincing i need to do#anything they ask of me ever#idk where my bank card is so no financial decisions tonight anyway#if u have read all of that. apologies and goodnight x#n
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Chapter 17- No Ifs, Ands, or Butts
Summary: You and Javi are continuing to make progress on building your new house, until a few distractions are thrown your way that you definitely weren't expecting.
Word Count: 12.3K (how bad is it that I'm like, wow! What an average length for a chapter! Well done, me!)
Warnings: SMUT (18+), HELLO, STRAP IN EVERYONE. unprotected p in v sex (wrap it up irl pls), romantic? ANAL (you guys, I'm sweating), vaginal fingering, anal fingering, oral (f receiving), rimjob (f receiving), creampie, praise kink, breeding kink, insecurity but Javi being our consent KING and literally taking such good care of you (but would we expect anything less?!), Javi with dogs (hehehehe), everyone say thank you to our favorite village idiots Carter and Miller for helping out Javi and Osita (you'll see!!)
A/N: If there are two words to sum up the plot of this chapter, it is butts and dogs (if you watch Bluey, yes, the puppy is named after Muffin LMAO) 💀 I am so sorry this chapter took FOREVER, 1) Life has been crazy busy (parent teacher conferences sucked the life out of me for like a full week), and 2) I would be lying if I said I was not shakin' in my boots to post this bc I have never written legit butt stuff smut (say that 3 times fast) before and I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, so if you don't wanna read this chapter/skip the smut I will not be offended at all!! Also for my non-American friends, Home Depot is like a giant hardware store (that also sells hot dogs that absolutely slap) Okay, that's all, love y'all more than words, forehead kisses for all of you!! 😙 also please laugh at the name of this chapter I thought it was funny as hell, I'm crackin myself up
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“Okay, we have paint samples, countertop samples, carpet samples, sheets of drywall, toilets that are ordered can come get picked up on Tuesday, and we can let Danny know they finally have those screws he’s been looking for back in stock. That’s everything, right? Please say that’s everything.” You sighed, going over your home project to-do list for what felt like the 47th time before exiting out of Home Depot for what also felt like the 147th time this week.
What had started as a plot of land and and a head full of ideas was slowly but surely becoming reality as progress on your new home came to fruition- as winter faded into spring, your house began to grow and change with the seasons, bare bones wooden beams and dirt of a few months ago now becoming walls, floors and roofs of the new place you’d spend forever in. While it was exciting to move into the stages of actually deciding what the inside of your home should look like (not just shape and size), it felt like you and Javi had been making a million and one decisions every day related to something to do with the house, and unfortunately, this Sunday night was no exception.
“No, I think that’s everything.” Javi nodded, scanning over the wrinkled piece of paper in his hands once more.
“We might as well just start changing our permanent address to this Home Depot. I’m pretty sure the employees are convinced we live here at this point.” You laughed, resting one hand on your hip, the other full of the sample swatches you and Javi needed to look at when you got home. “You sure that’s everything? Honestly, even if it’s not, let’s face it, we’ll be here some point later this week anyways. At least now it’s getting to the fun stuff- Paint and floors is a lot more fun than plumbing and electrical.”
“I know. We’re almost there, Osita. Danny said 8 to 10 more weeks last time I talked to him.”
“Over/under on how many more trips we make to Home Depot between now and then. I’m gonna say 56.”
“You’re such a dork. I fucking hope it’s not 56.”
The two of you made your way out to the parking lot with hands full of goods, the sun slowly beginning to set behind the other buildings of the shopping center- a Chinese restaurant, a laundry mat, a building that had been under construction since your frequent trips to Home Depot began, and a pet store.
You and Javi had tried the Chinese restaurant once, a few bites in simultaneously agreeing it was 100% the worst food you had ever had, never needed to go to the laundry mat, and god knows what the mystery building was getting turned into. You had, however, always wanted to go into the pet store, knowing it would be fun to walk around and look at the animals since it was something you loved doing as a kid with your brothers. But by the time the two of you were done with your hardware shopping, your brain was too fried to ever ask Javi if he wanted to go in and check things out as an entertaining thing to do. Tonight probably would have been no exception to the rule, but that was before you noticed the big sign posted in front of the store reading “Dog Adoption Event Today!”
You and Javi had both agreed you had wanted to get a dog- that was something the two of you had easily agreed upon early on in your relationship- but like most things nowadays, you were waiting until the house was finished and you were out of the apartment before looking into getting one. You knew that going to look at dogs before the two of you could really do anything about it was a bad idea, but the longer you stared at that sign, the less and less willpower you began to have to keep yourself from running over there.
“Jav.” You nudged, the two of you almost to Javi’s truck before stopping in your tracks, gesturing over to the pet store. Javi paused next to you, taking a moment to read the bright bold letters of the sign, letting out a deep sigh as he crossed his arms over his chest.
“Baby, you know we can’t get a dog right now. Believe me, I want one too, but we gotta wait until the house is done first.”
“I know. Can we just go look? Please?” While your puppy dog eyes were no match compared to Javi’s, you pouted your lip just about as far as it could go, batting your lashes at him with a pitiful frown on your face. You had no idea how Javi was ever going to be able to say no to your kids if he was already immediately caving from your silly, overexaggerated begging, let alone his own sweet brown eyes staring back at tiny versions of him. Regardless, right now, Javi’s lack of iron will was working in your favor, letting out another small sigh, contemplating for a moment before nodding his head in agreement.
“Fine. But just looking, okay?” He muttered, almost as if he was trying to convince himself as much as he was trying to convince you.
“Yes! Thank you! I promise, just looking… Probably.” You grinned, changing directions and speed walking across the parking lot towards the pet shop. Javi laughed to himself, shaking his head as he followed behind you.
“I heard that.”
As you walked through the front doors of the pet store, you were greeted with the sounds of high pitched barks and yaps, joining the few people gathered by the pen set up to contain the litter of what looked to be a mix of cattle dogs and something shorter and stumpier, the brown and cream speckled puppies bouncing and playing with the toys, blankets, and other littermates in the cage with them. You audibly let out a gasp as you looked down at the pure adorableness of the sweet little balls of fluff below you, squatting down next to the pen to get a better look at the group of puppies.
“Oh my god, they’re so cute. Javi, they’re so freaking cute. Hi lil babies, aren’t you the most precious things ever?” You cooed, holding the back of your hand up to the cage for the playful puppies to sniff, their tiny bodies toppling over each other to smell you.
As much as Javi wanted to be tough and strong willed to try and prove a point, you were right- these puppies were the cutest things he’d seen in a long time. Crouching down next to you, he glanced over, giving you the I told you this was a bad idea look that you knew you were bound to get from him the moment you saw the puppies.
“They are really fucking cute.” Javi sighed in reluctant agreement, bringing his hand down by yours to try and pet some of the puppies through the cage.
“Oh hi there! I see you two found the puppies!” An employee, an older woman with curly gray hair, smiled down at the two of you, gesturing towards the pen full of tiny, yapping pups. “Are you interested in adopting one?” You and Javi looked up at her, each of you letting out a deep breath before speaking at the same time, your answers lacking unison.
“No.”
“Maybe.” You quietly whispered under Javi’s no, letting out a little shrug, eyes darting away towards Javi to spare yourself from the eye roll you knew he was giving you from your response. “No, we’re not…” You finally agreed, giving another pouty, sad look to Javi. “We really want one, but we’re in an apartment right now and are moving into a house soon. We’re waiting until then to get one. Although these guys are making it very hard to keep it that way.”
“I can understand that.” The woman laughed, a playful grin spread across her face, clearly sensing your willpower about the situation was much weaker than Javi’s. “Well, even if you’re not interested in adopting one right now, you’re more than welcome to pick them up or play with them! It’s good for them to practice being handled anyways.”
“Don’t have to tell me twice.” Immediately, you stood up, bending over the edge of the pen to pick up one of the puppies closest to you, cuddling it against your chest as it squirmed and wiggled in your grasp. You sat bag down on the floor, cross legged as you cradled the puppy, eyes almost as wide and sweet as the dog you were now holding. “What’s this one’s name?” You asked the woman, carefully setting it down between your legs to let it bounce around.
“That one is Muffin. He’s a feisty one, but a sweetheart.” She beamed, slowly bending down to pick up one of the stuffed toys in the cage, handing it over to Javi. Before you knew it, Muffin was scooting out of your lap and bolting over to Javi and the plush rabbit he was holding in his hands, making the both of you giggle at his goofy, floppy gallop. Javi held out the toy in front of him, a smile spreading across his face as Muffin bit down into the rabbit, shaking it in his mouth, tugging back at Javi’s grip on the stuffed animal. Any shred of stubbornness Javi was trying to hold out on was long gone, smiling and snickering just as wide as you as Muffin hopped into Javi’s lap, curling up with his toy in his mouth.
Javi was like a little kid, practically giggling as he grabbed the stuffed rabbit and tossed it along the floor, watching Muffin slip and slide across the linoleum before pouncing on the toy and trotting back to Javi with it in his mouth.
“Good boy! You’re smart, aren’t you?” Javi grinned, tugging at the toy before looking back at you and your look, screaming, So much for just looking, huh? without having to say a word. “He is really cute.” Javi admitted, trying his best to keep his composure from completely crumbling. The two of you stared at each other for a moment, giving each other the look that made you seriously contemplate if you were going home with a puppy today, until you looked back down at Muffin, now hunched over Javi’s foot, pee dribbling down his shoe.
“Oh shit!” You grimaced, reaching up to pick up Muffin mid-stream, scooting him over to finish peeing on the floor instead of on Javi.
“Oh my goodness, I am so sorry!” The woman gasped, grabbing some towels next to the cage, handing them off to Javi for him to wipe the pee off his shoe. “That is the thing with puppies, the potty training does take a while.”
You were trying your best not to burst out into laughter as you picked Muffin back up, putting him back in the pen with the rest of his brothers and sisters, giving Javi and apologetic shrug at his current circumstances, knowing it was not helping your in any way shape or form to bring a puppy back to your apartment. “No it’s all good, no worries.” Javi smiled, wiping off his shoe with the towel and giving it a quick shake with a reluctant sigh, grounding him back in reality.
“Can’t be any worse than stepping in a pile of cow poop.” You teased as Javi looked down in disappointment at his shoe, finally beginning to shake his head and laugh along with you. “Alright, you win, Mr. Reasonable. Muffin has made a very good case for no puppies at the apartment.”
“Eventually baby, I promise.” Javi smirked, giving you a little nudge, the two of you waving goodbye to the cuteness corralled in the kennel behind you, finally making your way back to the car after your detour.
Well… So much for that plan.
“What about this one?”
“Baby, I don’t know, at this point, they all just look like the same color.” You sighed, slumping your hand in your face, resting your elbow on the kitchen table where you and Javi sat, paint swatches spread across the wooden surface, among scattered samples of carpet, countertops and backsplash tiles. “I don’t think my brain can make any more house decisions tonight.”
“Me either.” Javi huffed, reaching across the table to organize the paint sample cards into a pile next to the stack of other house things that now seemed to have a permanent home with you during dinner time. “I had no fucking idea there were so many goddamn shades of beige.”
“It definitely doesn’t help that we’re trying to just pick through different shades of brown instead of fun colors.” You laughed, gathering the samples in front of you and stacking them in Javi’s pile as he stood up, pushing in his chair and making his way to the other side of the table where you sat, coming behind you to drape his arms over your shoulders, pressing a soft kiss into your hair as you leaned your head back into his chest, wrapping your arms around his to pull him closer.
“Fun colors? What, you wanna paint the house purple, Hermosa?” Javi smiled, giving you a little shake in your chair making you giggle.
“No, you dork. I was actually thinking more hot pink or neon green.” You retorted, giving Javi a nudge back tiling your head up towards him. “No, I don’t know, I know we want something neutral through the house but like, it’ll be fun to pick cute paint colors when we have kids and stuff.”
Javi squeezed you a little tighter, his heart warming at the thought of when they’d get to do this again when there were actually kids in the picture to fill the empty rooms of their house. No matter how many times you and Javi talked about it, he was sure he’d never get over the fact that you wanted to have a family with him. It was a dream that had come and gone for him all those years ago, resigning himself to a life of simply surviving, even after he had returned home to Laredo. But now, the fact that dream was in reach, and undoubtedly in the near future had him beaming, knowing there was no one else in the world he wanted to spend the rest of his life and build a family with beside you, and that for some reason he still couldn’t quite comprehend, you felt the same way.
While you had agreed that you would wait until you were married and your house was completely finished before you started trying and your birth control made its permanent home in the trash, with every day that he got closer to marrying you, finalizing your house and starting the newest chapter of your lives together, Javi couldn’t help but feel a want, no, a need, to start a family with you- to fulfill a purpose he so desperately craved to be a father.
“Well…” Javi grinned, leaning back down to kiss your neck, his pecks becoming much more tender and slow with each press of his lips, “you could let me put a baby in you right now, and we could pick out fun paint colors along with the borning brown ones. Got a lot of rooms we need to fill and paint, Osita.”
“Javier Peña! You are a menace! You have to stop with the baby talk, or I swear, you’re about to make me cave in and crumble. You are testing every ounce of willpower I have.” You sighed, shaking your head as you looked up, entranced by Javi’s sweet brown eyes and their powerful effects.
While you and Javi both had undeniable cases of baby fever ever since you had gotten engaged, there was something about knowing you were about to have your own house with 4 extra rooms, solely built for the purpose of being filled with your kids that drove you, and even worse, Javi, absolutely crazy. In the past few weeks, the house had taken shape enough to finally have rooms that actually looked like rooms, Javi making it a point every time the two of you went over to check on progress, to point out just how good the spare bedrooms looked, like he was the most proud of those 4 extra rooms more than any other space in the house.
The irrational part of you would have given him a baby yesterday, but the rational part of you knew you wanted to be married and have every last inch of that house finished before you brought a baby there. But every time Javi saw those bedrooms, looking at you with that big, goofy grin on his face for his children that didn’t even exist yet, oh god, did it make you want to say fuck it to every ounce of rationality you had left.
“I think you have baby fever worse than I do, Jav. And that’s saying something.” You teased, reaching up to scrunch his cheeks. With another little giggle and content sigh, you pushed yourself up out of your chair, coming around the back of it to get the slightest running start to jump on him, full koala style, wrapping your arms and legs around his broad back, making the two of you burst out in laughter as he spun you around while you nuzzled your face in the crook of his neck, covering him with little kisses. “I love you so much. You’re gonna be such a good dad, you know that?”
“I love you too, Osita. I hope I am. I want to be.” Javi sighed, a hopeful half smile pursed between his lips, causing you to cup both your hands around his face, forcing him to look at you.
“You will be. I promise.” Tilting your head in, you pressed a soft, tender kiss onto his lips, lingering just a little longer than normal for your added reassurance. “Alright, I gotta get down now though, we have dishes we have to put away, and I have to shower tonight since I have a staff meeting tomorrow morning before school and I don’t wanna have to get up earlier than I need to.”
“Un beso más (One more kiss).” Javi smiled, gripping a little tighter on your thighs wrapped around his legs, refusing to let go until you fulfilled his request.
“Solamente un beso más? Por qué no dos? Tres? (Only one more? Why not 2? 3?)” You giggled, one of your hands running through the thick curls of his hair, while the other traced soft circles along his jawline.
“Me gustaría darte todos los besos, Osita. Te daría cualquier cosa. (I’d give you all the kisses, Osita. I’d give you anything.)” Leaning in, your mouths met again in a soft and sweet moment, a kiss that felt like he meant it- He would give you the world if you asked for it, and then some.
“God, I could kiss you forever. Alright, Romeo, put me down, we got things to do, and if you don’t, I know for a fact none of those things are getting done.”
“Fine.” He sighed overdramatically, letting your legs fall to the floor as he released his grasp. “I’ll clean up dinner and you can go take a shower.”
“I can help with cleaning up, Jav. You made dinner, the least I can do is-”
“Go get your ass in the shower. I’ll clean it up.” He smiled, planting a kiss on the top of your head before gesturing towards the bathroom, making you cross your arms over your chest with an unseriously stern look on your face.
“Are you trying to tell me that I smell? Rude. Sure you’re not the one who needs to shower after your foot got covered in piss?” You raised an eyebrow at him, trying your best not to laugh.
“Go shower, you dork.” Javi chuckled, giving your ass a playful slap as you parted ways, sticking your tongue out at him as you disappeared down the hallway and into the bathroom.
After a long, and even hotter shower than usual (considering you didn’t have to account for Javi’s temperature complaints), you wrapped yourself up in your towel and headed back to your room, where you found Javi laying in bed, reading one of the books you had been teasing him about for the past few weeks as it sat on his nightstand, unopened, even though he insisted he really was going to read it soon. As if the fact that him finally opening up and reading the book wasn’t enough to taunt him about, the way his face scrunched as he squinted at the pages certainly was.
“You doin’ alright over there, Grandpa? Jav, you just have to give in and get glasses, you know you can’t see anything, stop trying to fight it.” You giggled, your appearance in the bedroom catching Javi’s attention, making him rest his open book over his stomach.
“I don’t need glasses. I can see just fine. I’d look stupid in them, anyways.” He grumbled, refusing to admit that you were right even though he knew just as well as you that his eyesight was definitely not what it once was. He let out another sigh, dogearring the page of his book and setting it on his nightstand, his grumpy demeanor quickly shifting as you gave him that playful smirk you always did when you wanted to rub something in to prove your point. You let out another laugh as Javi rolled his eyes at you, shifting himself on the bed to lay on his side, face resting in his palm with those sweet puppy dog eyes that never left your sight any time he watched you get ready, even if all it meant was putting on one of his oversized shirts and sleep shorts to go to sleep in.
“Yeah, okay.” You replied, your voice oozing with sarcasm. “And you wouldn’t look stupid in glasses, you look hot in anything, and I’m sure you would look extra hot with 20/20 vision.”
“Pendejo…”
“You love me.”
The two of you laughed as you shuffled through the drawers of your dresser, pulling out one of Javi’s t shirts to wear to bed along with a pair of underwear and cotton shorts, piling the clothes next to you as you unwrapped your towel drying yourself off once more before letting it drop to the floor so you could change. You could see Javi’s reflection staring back at you, more specifically, your ass in the mirror, an awestruck and lustful look growing in his eyes as you reached over to pick up your shirt.
“I can literally feel your eyes burning a hole through my ass, Jav.” You sassed, smirking back at him through the mirror as you watched him bite down on his lip.
“Fuck, I love your ass so much, you know that?” Javi rasped, his tongue gently darting between his lips, eyes still locked on your behind.
“Yes, Javi, you are very adamant about letting me know how much you love it.” You snickered, slipping his shirt over your head, followed pair your pair of underwear, opting to completely forgo your shorts to play into his comment. You crawled up into bed next to him, nudging him over so his back laid on the mattress and you laid on top of him, pressing a soft, slow kiss against his lips as his hands roamed down your back, sneaking under the hem of your shirt to knead the soft flesh of your ass, letting out a low groan as your mouths met.
“Because it’s fucking perfect.” He hummed, gripping his fingertips even deeper into your skin after sliding them under the thin, cotton fabric covering it.
“Wow, someone’s in a mood about my butt tonight. Didn’t know your giant t-shirt and my plain ass underwear was really doin’ it for ya.” You joked, a little grin spread across your face as you ran your hands through Javi’s hair before sliding them down his face to cup his jaw. It didn’t take long for you to realize that the look on Javi’s face had quickly turned from one of lust to deep thought, his brow scrunched and nostrils flared, making you tilt your head in confusion. “What’s wrong?” You asked, immediately noticing the shift in his demeanor. “You only get that look when you’re really thinking hard about something, or you have to fart and you’re trying to hold it in, and I’m really hoping it’s not the second one.”
Your comment was enough to snap him out of his own thoughts, making him shake his head as the two of you laughed, Javi still holding back slightly as his eyes shifted down towards the mattress, practically hearing the gears in his brain turning, when all of a sudden, it clicked with you.
Oh shit.
The combination of his stare down and silence told you everything you needed to know.
You tilted his chin back up towards your face, a curious smirk stretched between your lips as you raised an eyebrow at him.
“You wanna fuck my ass, don’t you?”
Your voice was sweet and sultry, immediately making Javi’s face go blank in shock that you had connected the dots before he had even said anything. You could hear your heart pounding in your chest almost as loudly as Javi’s, a nervous swarm of butterflies filling your stomach as you waited for him to respond.
You’d be lying if you said you hadn’t thought about it before. There had been plenty of times that Javi had put a thumb or fingers in your ass when he fucked you from behind, and holy shit, did it feel good whenever he did it. You’d honestly debated bringing it up before, but there was a part of you that could never bring yourself to do it because you never had, and you couldn’t help but feel nervous about it.
It wasn’t that you didn't trust Javi- You’d trust him with your whole life without a second thought. There had never been a time since the moment you first had sex that your comfort wasn’t always his first priority. But with how full Javi felt inside you with just a thumb or a finger, couldn’t help but make you feel a little worried with how big he’d feel with his whole dick inside your ass.
You also couldn’t help but feel a preemptive guilt if it ended up being too much and you had to ask him to stop, not that he would ever make you feel bad about it, but still, you couldn’t help but play out worse case scenarios in your head. But something about that look in his face as he stared you down in the mirror and head turning deep in thought was enough to spark that little flame of confidence you had brewing and beat him to the punch.
“Hermosa…” He paused, the Adam's apple of his throat bobbing as he gulped, taking an anxious deep breath. “Baby, I-”
“Do you?”
The tightened grip of his fingers in your ass, gentle nod of his head and the low groan releasing from his chest was all you needed to know to figure out the answer to your question without even needing Javi to say a single word. His free hand mirrored yours, cupping your cheek as the two of you locked hungry gazes with each other, Javi now finally working up enough confidence to respond.
“I want to so fucking bad.” Javi rasped, his dark brown eyes filled with a mix of desperation and need for reassurance. “But if you don’t want to, I don’t ever want to make you do something you’re not comfortable with. I promise, I won’t be upset about it at all.” The confident facade you had been fronting quickly began to crumble, your body flooding with a combination of nerves and excitement.
“I do, I just- I- I’ve never done it before.” You weren’t sure how your voice had gotten so small and meek- maybe it was the reality of what you were about to do setting in at a rapid pace. Something about the sweet, soft innocence of your voice already had Javi hard as a rock, using every ounce of willpower to keep his composure, considering how even just the thought of even getting to put his dick in your ass already had him on edge.
“That’s okay. Like I said, it’s only if you want to, baby. We can take it slow and if it’s too much, I’ll stop, no questions asked.”
You could feel your head beginning to gently nod in agreement as Javi’s thumb rubbed soft circles on your jaw, a little smirk forming between your cheeks while your heart raced at a million miles per hour, almost feeling as worked up and nervous as the very first time the two of you had sex all that time ago.
“I want to.” You whispered, letting your lips meet his in a tender and ferocious passion, muted moans escaping from each of your parted mouths.
“You’re sure? I don’t want you to say yes just because I want to.” And fuck, could you feel how badly he wanted to, his fully hard dick straining against the fabric of his sweatpants, heavy against your thigh. You were no better despite your nerves, the cotton fabric of your underwear absolutely drenched already without Javi even touching you.
“I’m sure. I promise.”
A low groan rumbled deep in Javi’s chest as your mouths met again, Javi flipping you over so your back was flat against the mattress, letting his hands roam along your body while his lips traveled down your neck and collarbone. “I’m gonna make you feel so good, sweet girl. Gonna take my time with you, okay? I promise I’ll make sure you’re ready.”
“Well I appreciate you just not going straight to shoving your dick into my ass, very gentlemanly of you.” You joked, trying to calm your nerves with your sarcastic wit, Javi practically snorting at your comment.
“Jesus fucking Christ…” Javi whispered to himself through his laughter, resting his head on your chest as he looked up at you in amusement.
“Sorry, I’ll stop and let you get back to business.” Javi lay frozen, still staring up at you with his head cocked to the side, eyebrows raised.
“Osita, you know I love you very much, right?”
“Yes.”
“And that since we’ve been together, I’ve learned a lot of things about you?
“Also yes.”
“So you know I can tell when you’re nervous about something, right?”
You let out a defeated sigh, crossing your arms in stubborn defiance, not wanting to admit that you knew Javi’s suspicions were correct. You waited a moment, and with a little frown pursed between your lips, you finally gave in.
“...Yeah.”
Javi rolled over next to you, draping one arm over your waist, the other holding his chin in his hand with his elbow propped up against the mattress, his tender gaze locking with yours, filling you with a sense of calm and reassurance you were convinced nothing else in the world could. “Osita, talk to me baby. What are you nervous about?”
You flapped your arms up before planting them over your face, burying your head in your hands in embarrassment, your words muffled from underneath your palms. “What am I nervous about? Not to stroke your ego any more than it needs to be, but you have a huge dick, Jav. I’m also guessing this isn’t your first time, and it is for me, and you being the first giant dick to ever enter my ass has me a little nervous.” You rambled, your thoughts spilling out of your mouth faster than your brain could process them. “I really want to, I just don’t want it to not be good for you or for you to be upset if we stop or- I don’t know. I don’t want you to be mad about it if I’m the reason for- I- I’m probably overthinking it, I’m sorry.” You let out another deep exhale, averting your gaze from Javi’s staring down at the bed.
This time, it was Javi’s turn to connect the dots, taking a moment to wonder why you were so worried about making him upset before putting the pieces together, his prediction making him clench his jaw in frustration. “Paul wanted to do it and you said no and he was a fucking asshole to you about it, wasn’t he?”
Your head instantly shot up, swiveling around towards Javi’s agitated grimace, your face almost as shocked as Javi’s was when you had asked him if he had wanted to do this in the first place. “How… Javi, how did you-”
“That motherfucker… he didn’t hurt you did he? I swear to God if he did, I’ll fucking fly up to Chicago right now and I’ll-”
“Jav, Jav, cool your jets, killer.” You laughed softly, pressing your hand to his cheek to try and ground him before he really was on the next flight to Illinois. “No, he never did anything. He said that he wanted to and it kinda came out of the blue- I didn’t really want to at the time, especially not with him. He kept asking and asking and I would tell him no and he got so mad about it. Turns out that was around the time he started cheating on me anyways, and became an even bigger dickhead than he already was. But I always felt so guilty, and that it was my fault he was upset because I didn’t want to. I don’t know- I- I guess maybe this has stuck with me way more than it probably should have.” You could feel your voice shrinking, your eyes darting away once again, mortified by the fact that you completely ruined the moment by bringing up your shitty ex and his blatant lack of respect. “Sorry, I don’t know why we’re talking about this I-“
Before you could finish the rest of your sentence, Javi’s lips were on yours, swallowing the rest of your words as your mouths met with a passionate intensity, letting his arm wrap around your waist, pulling you in closer, caging his chest against yours. “Hermosa, you know I would never be mad at you about something like that, right? I love you, Osita, you have nothing to apologize for. All I ever want is to make you feel good, baby. Fuck, that gets me off more than anything else. Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you.”
“I trust you, Javi.” Your voice was barely above a whisper, lips grazing over his, giving him a gentle nod of reassurance. “I want you to.”
You could audibly hear the gulp Javi had let out, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat as he let out a low groan, tightening the grip he had around your waist. “Want me to what, sweet girl? I wanna hear you say it, baby.” His lips began to travel down your jawline towards your neck, hot and wet presses languidly making their way to your collarbone as he tugged at the end of your shirt, snaking his hands up the soft skin of your stomach. You could feel the heat building in your core, letting out a soft moan as his hands palmed at your breasts, rolling your pebbled nipples between the tips of his fingers.
“I want you to fuck my ass, Javi.”
With that, his hands were shuffling your shirt over your head, tossing it over the side of the bed before letting his kisses make their way down your newly exposed skin, letting his tongue flick along each nipple before letting his gaze lock with yours, a small smirk spreading across his face. “I promise I’m gonna make you feel so fucking good, Hermosa. Gonna take good care of you, baby, I swear.”
“I know.” You nodded, staring back at the hunger pooling in the dark brown of his eyes, practically squirming in the sheets of your bed from the throbbing between your legs, feeling the slick almost dripping down your thighs from just how turned on you were. The grin on Javi’s face had become devilish, biting down on his bottom lip as he snaked his hand down your front, tugging at the waistband of your panties, sliding them down your legs before running a finger through your slit, already drenching him with your arousal.
“Turn around, baby. Hands and knees, okay?” You could hear the subtle smugness in his tone, giving you a playful squeeze as he grabbed your hips, flipping you over face down on the mattress, making you squeal. You did Javi one better, laying your chest flat against the sheets, lifting your ass up in the air and giving it a little shake, Javi’s hands instantly kneading at the soft flesh in front of him, digging his fingertips deeper into your skin, feeling his hot breath hovering over your cunt.
Suddenly, you felt a long, wide strip of his tongue through your folds, pressing hard and intensely along your clit before diving in like a man starved, lapping you up as he began to eat you out from behind. Each stroke of his tongue was more persistent than the last, the grip of his hands on your hips pulling your heat closer to his face as he licked and sucked at your throbbing bundle of nerves, the mix of your slick and his saliva coating your inner thighs. His feverish pace already had you fisting at the bedsheets, whimpering and moaning as his mouth worked along your dripping core, making you gasp even further when you felt his tongue begin to travel up towards your tight ring of muscle.
“Oh holy fuck- Javi, oh my god, baby. Fuck me, oh shit.” You whimpered as Javi’s tongue swirled along your puckered hole, dancing around the edges before dipping inside, the sensation making you shudder in pleasure, feeling Javi’s low hum of approval deep in the back of his throat. If that wasn’t enough, one of the hands that had a tight grip on your ass was now collecting the slick dripping from your entrance, his fingers tracing through your folds before pressing firmly on your clit, the added stimulation immediately making the tingle begin to build at the base of your spine. As he worked at your hole, the pads of his fingers circling your sensitive bundle of nerves you could feel your breath becoming ragged, letting out a few more shaky exhales before your orgasm crashed through you, crying out into the soft fabric of the sheets, pleasure and euphoria flooding your body.
As you came down from your high, Javi let his hands slide gently up and down your sides, pressing soft kisses along your back until he had made his way up your shoulder blades and neck, whispering tenderly into your ear. “Such a good girl for me, Osita. Came so hard letting me eat out that pretty little ass of yours. You want me to keep going?”
“Fuck yes, oh my god Javi, please.” You whimpered, shaking your head frantically as you looked back at Javi, already sitting back on his knees to lift his shirt over his head before sitting up to kick off his sweatpants and boxers, letting his cock spring free, precum glistening and weeping from his tip, considering how painfully hard he had been since even the thought of getting to fuck your ass.
You could feel his body hovering over yours, hands sliding up and down your sides before grabbing at your ass again, placing tender kisses on each cheek before leaning over to the nightstand on his side of the bed, pulling out the bottle of lube and setting it next to him. His hands roamed to your core once again, two fingers dipping into your cunt, curling to hit the soft, spongy spot inside you that already had you moaning again.
It wasn’t long until his fingers were substituted for his cock, running his tip through your folds, collecting your arousal along his length before slowly pushing inside your pussy, already so wet and worked up, that even with sweet sting of his stretch, he still slid in with ease, setting a steady, even pace as one hand dug into your hip, the other reaching over to grab the bottle of lube, popping open the cap with a click and letting the cool liquid drip over your tight hole, making you gasp. You could feel the pads of his fingers pressing at the entrance to your ass, gently teasing you open with one finger, breeching up to his knuckle, the combination of both his finger and cock inside you making you whimper in pleasure.
“That’s it. Such a good girl. Fuck, you’re already so fucking tight around my finger. You want another one in there, baby?” Javi mewled, prodding his finger deeper into your hole as he continued to thrust into you, his strokes slow and steady, but still punching deep into your g-spot with each thrust of his hips against the back of your thighs.
“Yes- oh fuck- yes, oh my god.” You weren’t really quite sure how your brain was still even managing to form words at this point, the warm feeling that had been growing inside you spreading to every inch of your body. The pad of Javi’s second finger teased at your tight hole, collecting ample amounts of you slick and lube before pushing in to join the first, the thickness of both of his fingers making you clench even tighter around his cock and digits as you cried out in delight.
“Shhhhhh, I know, sweet girl. Relájate (relax) baby, I’ve got you.”
You could already feel your second orgasm starting to build again, heat beginning to bloom in your belly from the rhythmic pounding of Javi’s dick punching against your g-spot and his fingers prodding at the nerve endings of your ring of muscle, already feeling so full from the stretch of both holes.
“Fuck, fuck fuck- oh fuck- Javi, I’m gonna cum again, fuckahhhhhhh-” You cried out, letting your second orgasm hit you even harder than your first, clenching down around Javi’s cock and fingers as you grabbed at handfuls of your bedsheets, trying to ground yourself as the intensity of your pleasure ripped through you.
“There you go, Hermosa. That’s it, baby. Such a good girl. Did so good for me.” He cooed, gently pulling out both his cock and fingers, the emptiness making you shutter as Javi pressed tender, soft kisses down your back before making his way up your neck and nipping at your ear. “You think you’re ready for me, Osita? If not, it’s okay, I only wanna do what you want, mi amor (my love).”
You took another few ragged breaths to compose yourself, unsure how your brain was even managing to function at this point as you came down from your high, trembling in delight. You nodded before you could speak, Javi letting out a low groan as he sucked at your pulse point, his words hot and heavy against your skin.
“Need to hear you say it, pretty girl. Tell me what you want and it’s yours.”
“Fuck my ass, Javi. I want you to fuck my ass, please baby.” You whined, whimpering your words against the soft fabric of your sheets, desperate for more, needing to feel all of him inside you in a way you hadn’t before.
Javi let out an audible groan as he pulled back, letting his hands roam up your body and back to the lube resting on the bed, once again, popping open the cap and squirting some of the liquid into his palm as he fisted his dick, stroking himself a few times before lining himself up with your tight hole. “You promise you’ll tell me if you want me to stop?”
You shook your head rapidly, fingers already gripping into the pillow in front of you as you braced yourself for Javi to enter, feeling his tip press against your tight ring of muscle. Suddenly, you could feel the sensation of Javi breeching your entrance, making you gasp at just how full you already felt as he had barely made his way inside you. Javi pushed further in, leaving you practically breathless from the stinging stretch of his cock filling you as he paused halfway, leaning over to check on you.
“Oh fuck me- You okay, sweet girl?”
“Mhhmmmmmm. Fuck Javi, you feel so big. Holy shit, baby. Oh fuck.” You gulped, squeezing around Javi’s length as he inched deeper and deeper inside of you, your clit and cunt throbbing as he filled you, the newfound sensation making you see stars. You were so focused on how you were feeling, you had barely noticed how tightly Javis fingertips were gripping into the soft flesh of your ass, like he was bracing himself for dear life as he sunk further and further into your tight hole.
While Javi had found himself in this position with other women a handful of times before, he had never come close to feeling the same way about anyone the way he did about you- He had been dreaming about the day that you agreed to let him fuck your ass, and now finding himself inside you, knowing he would be the first and the last to ever have you like he was right now, had him on the brink of busting any second if he wasn’t careful. Javi had never been more thankful that you couldn’t see his face, because he knew he looked absolutely wrecked and was struggling to keep the ounce of composure he had left as you gripped around his cock like a vice.
“Javi, oh shit- Javi, you can move baby.” You moaned, adjusting to his fullness, the initial pain quickly transforming to burning hot pleasure as you gave Javi the green light to keep going. After a few seconds, when Javi had said nothing and hadn’t moved at all, you spoke again, thinking maybe he hadn’t heard you. “Javi, I’m good, you can-”
“I know, I know, fuck- sorry, baby. Jesus Christ- you’re so fucking tight, Hermosa, fuck me. Give me a second or I’m gonna fuckin’ bust right now.” Javi replied, halfway between a whimper and a moan as he firmly grasped your hips, carefully setting a slow pace as he began to thrust in and out of your ring of muscle, shocked to feel how quickly heat was beginning to bloom in your belly once again, his length languidly sliding in and out of your asshole, filling you and striking new nerve endings you had never felt before making you quickly begin to come undone.
Your legs began to tremble, grasping at the mattress to brace yourself as you felt your clit throb and cunt clench as the coil in your belly tightened further and further, the lewd noises of your moans and grunts filling the room.
“Javi, fuckfuckfuck, oh my god, baby I’m so close again, holy fuck.” You cried out, as even just the slightest pick up of Javi’s pace had you reeling closer and closer to the edge of your release. Javi freed one of his hands, snaking it between your legs to rub at your sensitive bundle of nerves, already swollen and pulsing from your first two orgasms, and now even more responsive as the pads of his fingers circled against it.
Javi wanted desperately to hold out for you and make you cum as many times as you wanted to just like this, but he knew damn well the moment you came and clamped down even harder around his cock than you already were, he was a fucking goner and going right along with you. He needed to give you one more before he also came embarrassingly fast, but he couldn’t help it.
“Fuck Osita, fuck- I’m not gonna last much longer either, baby. Need you- oh shit- need you to give me one more, pretty girl. Cum for me, Hermosa, I’ve got you.”
With only a few more strokes and circles around your clit, you were cumming so hard, you were honestly convinced you had blacked out. Your whole body shook as you wailed in delight, squeezing around Javi’s dick so hard it was only seconds before he was following suit, letting a ragged groan escape through his gritted teeth as you milked him of every last drop, Javi bracing himself for dear life with the grasp he had around your hips as he finished.
Javi slumped over you, the two of you breathing so heavily it sounded more like you had just finished a triathlon more than anything else. He let out a deep hiss as he pulled out, taking a moment to admire his work as he watched his spend drip out your tight hole as your body collapsed onto the mattress.
You weren’t sure how long you had been laying there before you were finally able to wrangle the brain power to speak again, and even then, the only words that you were able to manage were a quiet “holy fucking shit…”
Javi flopped down, laying on his back next to you as you rolled over, both of your faces bright and blissed as you stared at one another, almost unsure of what to say.
“Are you okay?” Javi asked, gently cupping your flushed cheek in his palm.
“Am I okay? Javi… Holy fuck. I don’t think I have ever cum so hard in my entire life. I honestly thought I blacked out there for a second. Baby… That was, fuck, that was insane.” You half laughed to yourself, shaking your head in disbelief. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fucking great. Holy shit. Sorry I couldn’t last longer, I didn’t think I was gonna go that fast but you felt so fucking good. Thank you, Osita.”
“Thank you? For what?” You giggled, giving Javi a playful poke on the chest as you raised an eyebrow at him.
“For this. For trusting me.”
“Javier Jesús Peña…” You smirked, propping yourself up on your arm to get a better look at him, “I trust you with my life. More than anyone I’ve ever met. I should be the one thanking you for so graciously taking my butt virginity. Wouldn’t want anyone else in there besides you.”
The two of you burst into laughter, Javi practically letting out a snort as he rolled his eyes at your ridiculous comment. “God, you’re fucking ridiculous. I love you, Osita.”
“I love you too, Javi. C’mon, let's go shower before your cum sits in my asshole any longer and I get pregnant with your butt baby.” You snickered as you rolled off the bed, making your way to the bathroom.
“Jesus fucking Christ… Butt baby? Seriously?” He snorted, following behind you, giving you a playful smack on your ass, scooping you up to hike you over his shoulder and fireman carry you to the shower, making you squeal. “You’re so fucking weird.”
“Weirdo you love enough to put your dick in my ass and make your wife, so that’s on you, Jav.” You giggled as Javi set you down on the cool tile of the bathroom floor, giving him a little shrug before reaching into the shower to turn on the water.
“And what a fucking lucky man I am.”
Ever since starting his job at the Laredo Sheriff's Department, Javi had been able to count on a few things every morning when he got into work. Sheryl at the front desk would greet him with a half hearted “Good morning, Javier” , the smell of shitty work coffee would be brewing in the break room, and Agent Carter and Miller already arguing about something stupid at their desks instead of working on anything that actually needed to get done. That’s why when Javi made his way into work on Monday morning and was not greeted by any of those things, he knew his day was getting thrown for a loop- he just wasn’t quite sure how yet.
“It was their idea, not mine, believe me.” Sheryl grumbled, rolling her eyes as she nodded towards the path to Javi’s office, holding her hands up in defense as if to prove she had nothing to do with whatever was going on beyond her desk. Javi paused, tilting his head and scrunching his brow in confusion at Sheryl before letting out a sigh, and hesitantly making his way back to find out what in the world she was talking about.
He was surprised by the lack of Miller and Carter’s presence in their desk chairs, and the unusual silence filling the office as Javi turned his head, wondering where everyone was. He peered over the cubicles, looking for any sign of life, until a strange sound caught his attention from behind the door of his office.
Woof, woof, woof!
Javi shook his head, convinced he must be hearing things until the low bark repeated, followed by a hush of anxious voices whispering around the corner.
“Oh no, shhhhhh! Shit, I didn’t think he was gonna bark.”
“Well it’s a fucking dog, Carter, what the hell did you think it was gonna, do, meow?”
“Maybe he didn’t hear it.”
“I highly doubt that, dumbass. God, he’s gonna be fucking pissed.”
“Your idea, not mine.”
Even though he couldn’t see them, Miller and Carter’s worried whispers were enough to let Javi know he wasn’t imagining the barking coming from behind his office door. Letting out a deep sigh, which sounded a lot more like a groan, Javi carefully twisted open the doorknob to his workspace, only to be greeted by a large, shaggy and very dirty Golden Retriever staring back at him with big brown eyes, happily wagging its tail and shaking excitedly at Javi’s presence. Although Javi had heard the bark from behind his door, it didn’t stop him from doing a double take from the dog now residing in his office, running his hand over his face in a confused frustration as to how and why Miller and Carter had already managed to make his Monday morning a pain in his ass.
“Why the fuck is there a dog in my office?” Javi half shouted, making Carter and Miller sheepishly appear from around the corner with guilty looks on their faces, avoiding eye contact with Javi as he glared through the two of them, wondering how the hell they were going to try and talk themselves out of this one.
“Hey Peña, uh, I uh… Listen Miller was the one who brought him in, and he was so cute that I wasn’t not gonna do anything about it and-”
“Oh, way to throw me under the fucking bus, Carter!” Agent Miller huffed, cutting Carter off in attempts to let the blame completely fall on him. “You agreed we should keep him here so that we could-”
“Okay, that still doesn’t explain why the fuck there’s a dog in my office.” Javi groaned, cutting off Carter and Miller before they found themselves in a pointless arguing match about how and why there was now a dog happily leaning itself against Javi’s leg, his tail shaking back and forth, completely enamored by Javi.
It was taking everything in Javi not to reach down and pet him to try and prove a point to Carter and Miller that they had astronomically fucked up the rest of his plans for the morning, but the dog was sure as hell adorable and sweet as could be.
“Okay, well, I was driving into work this morning, and as I was making my way down that back road past the cattle ranch a few blocks down from here, this guy ran out in the road. Thank God I saw him when I did. I stopped, got out, and he came right up to me, but there was obviously no one with him. He looked relieved that he’d found me. Poor guy is dirty and skinny as hell. He hopped right into my car and ate the rest of my McGriddle which I was kinda pissed about, but I can’t blame ‘em.” Miller sighed, now crouching down to give the dog some scratches on the head before continuing on with his story. “So I went to some of the houses on the street and no one had ever seen this dog before. I called Webb County Animal Control to see if anyone had reported a missing dog that looked like him, but no one had. I asked if I should take him to the shelter to see if anyone would come for him, but the lady on the phone said if no one’s reported him missing, they probably wouldn’t come for them.”
“Well tell him what else, Miller.” Carter encouraged, trying to aid in Miller’s defense as he rose back up, standing next to his partner.
“When I called the animal shelter to ask them what to do, the woman I talked to said the shelter is so full, that if we brought him in and no one claimed him within the next two weeks, that they’d…” Miller trailed off, him and Carter both grimacing, unable to finish the rest of his sentence as he looked down at the gleeful, furry face staring back up at him. “Well, let’s just say that things weren’t gonna look so good for him. I couldn’t bring myself to drop him off, and I wasn’t just gonna fucking leave him, so, I uh- I brought him here.”
Javi let out a deep sigh, burying his hands in his face for a moment before rubbing his temples, understanding why Miller had done what he did, but nonetheless, still frustrated that now he had become wrapped up in solving a missing dog case.
“So what? Are you gonna keep him?” Javi questioned, finally giving in to bend down and give the dog a few pats on his side, feeling just how skinny and boney he was as his hand met his belly.
“Oh no, I can’t keep him. Apartment doesn’t allow dogs. I would if I could.” Miller admitted, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck, feeling guilty for his lack of helpful response.
“What about you? You keeping the dog?” Javi asked, looking over at Carter, giving him a little shrug, hoping he was the solution to his temporary canine problem.
“Um, no. Sorry. I’m allergic. He’s cute as hell but my eyes have been itching ever since he got here.”
“So what, he’s just gonna live here? C’mon you guys, really?” Javi grumbled, now crouching down next to the dog, getting a better look at his begging eyes and goofy grin under his panting tongue, giving Javi a few licks on the face in excitement as his tail began to wag rapidly from Javi’s closeness.
Javi couldn’t help but let out a little laugh as the dog lapped against his face, wrapping his hands around the dog’s head and giving it a playful rub to get the dog to stop before staring back at the sweet, sad eyes staring back at him. He scratched under the dog’s chin before it was snuggling up next to him, comfortably plopping himself down over Javi’s feet and letting out a content little grumble as his tail continued to thump against the floor in joy.
Javi closed his eyes, letting out a sigh. A deep sigh. Not because he didn’t like this dog. Hell, not even because he was really that mad at the two office idiots for bringing the dog here this morning. Javi let out a long, exasperated sigh, because he could feel the willpower he had preached to you about holding out on a dog until the new house- a conversation he had just had with you last night- was absolutely crumbling.
He couldn’t come home with a dog, right? He had just spent all of last night convincing you that the apartment wouldn’t be a good place for a dog. But… that was for a puppy. This was a full grown dog. A calm one, at that. A fucking cute one at that. God, it had been 5 minutes and this dog was already attached at the hip to him, and it was probably fair to say that Javi had gotten just as attached, if not more. Carter and Miller were right, with the shape the dog was in, it really did look like no one had been taking care of him, or had any plans to come and find him, and Javi couldn’t bear the thought of sending the dog off to the shelter, knowing his inevitable fate.
Fuck.
“Okay, well, do you know anything else about him? Are you sure that there’s no one looking for him?” Javi grunted as he pushed himself back up to stand, trying to keep his cool as he looked over at Carter and Miller, their eyes still peeled to the ground in hopes the lack of direct eye contact would lessen their chances of a complete reaming from Javi.
“No, boss. Only other thing we could find about him was the little tag on his collar, which wasn’t helpful at all, because it only had his name.” Carter shrugged, peeking up at Javi, surprised by the even keel of his tone. Javi bent back down, the dog immediately rolling over on his back and exposing his belly for Javi to pet as he reached towards the dog’s neck, gently tugging at the tethered collar under his tangled fur to read the poorly engraved tag attached, letting out an even bigger sigh and shaking his head in disbelief at the name.
Bear.
Of fucking course. As if the universe needed to send him another sign. Of fucking course the dog’s name was the same as his nickname for you, Osita- little bear.
Javi couldn’t help but laugh to himself, running his hand over his face once again. “Shit. You sure no one’s looking for him?”
Both Carter and Miller shook their heads, crossing their arms over their chests in sad disappointment at Bear, laying sprawled across Javi’s feet. Letting out one last reluctant exhale, Javi looked back at the pair, nervously awaiting his response before he spoke.
“If… If no one calls looking for him by the end of the day… I’ll take him home with me.”
Carter and Miller’s faces lit up in shock and delight, staring at Javi, dumbfounded by what they had just heard. “I mean… Fuck, well… that was way easier than I thought it was gonna be.” Miller half grumbled to himself, glancing over at Carter, like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“I obviously don’t have any dog shit at home so I’m gonna have to leave early today to get some, so you two idiots are gonna have to finish up the rest of the paperwork I needed to do this afternoon, we clear?”
“Yeah, yup- Absolutely. Will do.” The two nodded in agreement, still in shock that the worst they had gotten from their boss from dropping a stray dog off in his office was the rest of his paperwork for the day.
“Fuck me. Alright, c’mon Bear.” Javi sighed, pushing open his office door, Bear, happily trotting along behind him, tail wagging in delight as Carter and Miller stared back at each other, frozen in shock that they, with very little convincing, had gotten their boss to happily take their furry problem into his own hands.
If the fact that Bear wasn’t cute as can be was enough to win over Javi, he was also the sweetest, most relaxed dog he’d had ever met. Bear was perfectly content to lay down next to Javi’s desk, letting out content grumbles and sighs as he slept and Javi worked, sprawled out across the floor. Bear also seemed to love everyone he met, joyfully making his rounds around the station with Javi after a failed attempt at leaving him behind in his office, immediately caving to Bear’s sad, lonely whines and big brown eyes from behind the glass of his office window. Around 2:00 PM, after Javi had given Bear the better half of his turkey sandwich for lunch, he found himself just as hungry as that poor dog probably was this morning, deciding to cut his day short to get himself some food, and gather whatever else he needed before bringing Bear back to the apartment.
Javi thanked whatever higher power that the woman working at the pet store this afternoon was not the same woman he had adamantly convinced last night that he was not coming with a dog, because in the back seat of his truck, sat a dog he was now bringing home. The woman working at the store had helped Javi to find everything he needed for Bear and probably then some, Javi more than thankful for her patience and advice, feeling overwhelmed by what to get for a dog that had landed in his care only a few short hours ago.
After 2 trips up your apartment stairs to drop off the bed, food, treats and toys Javi had gotten, he made one final trip back for Bear, who had glady hopped out of the truck and followed Javi back to your place after a quick pee on the bush in the parking lot, leaving Javi very thankful the dog had found a spot to relieve himself that wasn’t on his shoe.
“Well, welcome home, I guess.” Javi chuckled as Bear busted through the apartment door, tail wagging at a propeller like speed as he meandered through the space, sniffing and exploring around the kitchen and living room, before wandering back to the bags from the pet store Javi had set on the ground, giving them a little prod with his snout before sitting next to them, looking up at Javi as if to ask if he could have the food and treats that were inside. “Well… I guess a little more food couldn’t hurt, right?”
There were very few times where Javi was home from work before you, and when he did, he normally told you before he left, or called you at work to let you know- so when you pulled into the parking lot to see Javi’s truck next to your empty parking space, it was safe to say you were a bit perplexed. You quickly unpacked your bags from your car, making your way up to the apartment, trying to rationalize with your confusion and nerves as to why Javi had beaten you home. As you unlocked your door, you gently pushed it open, now even more confused by the muffled grunts and swearing coming from down the hallway. Dropping your things at the entryway, you quickly began working your way through the apartment to figure out what was going on before you almost tripped and fell over a large dog bed now in the middle of your living room.
“What the hell…” You murmured to yourself, your brow scrunching in bewilderment as you caught your step over the soft, plushy surface, doing a double take to realize that what had almost taken you to the ground was a dog bed. Looking over, you then noticed the several bags from the local pet store, now even more puzzled as your attention shifted back to the end of the hallway, hearing Javi’s voice as well as the sound of running water and frantic splashing.
“Goddamnit, will you just stay still please? We’re almost done, bud.”
Almost sprinting to the bathroom, you pushed open the door to find a pile of towels spread across the floor, Javi kneeling over the side of the tub, shirt absolutely soaked as he held the shower handle towards a goofy, wet, golden retriever dancing around in the other end of the tub as he saw you.
“Uhhhhhh, Javi… Why is there a dog in our bathtub?” You stood stunned in the doorway, your presence startling Javi as he spun around, dropping the shower handle, making it spray over the walls, leading the dog to playfully bark and shake as it hopped over the ledge of the tub to greet you.
“No, Bear! Come back here! Fuck. I uh- I can explain, I-” Javi stammered, scrambling to grab the flailing shower head before reaching for the dog to try and wrangle him back into the shower, the rest of his thought cut off by Bear taking one more step towards you before bracing himself for a giant shake, absolutely drenching you as you burst into laughter, wiping your now soaking face with the palms of your hands before reaching down to pet the cheerful dog, wagging his wet tail as he leaned up against your leg.
You couldn’t help but let the smuggest grin spread across your face, now putting the pieces of the puzzle together. “Bear, huh? You come up with that one?” You giggled, crouching down to greet who you now were presuming to be the newest resident of your household, rubbing his hands over his drenched, furry body, squealing as he licked all over your face. “I thought we couldn’t have a dog in the apartment, Jav, and I hate to break it to you, this is definitely a dog… very much in our apartment.”
Javi let out a snort, rolling his eyes at you as he reached over to shut off the water, resting his back against the edge of the tub, propping his arms up over the sides as he braced himself to try and explain his current situation to you. “Well…” he grinned sheepishly as Bear paced back and forth between the two of you, his tail swaying side to side as he dripped puddles across the bathroom floor, “I got into work this morning and the first thing I saw was a fucking dog that Carter and Miller had dropped in my office after Miller found him on his drive in.”
“Which I am assuming is this dog?” You laughed, gesturing towards the giddy Golden Retriever jaunting around the bathroom.
“Yeah, this one. Miller said that he found him on a dirt road. Called animal control and no one had been looking for a dog that looked like him, and that when he called the shelter, they were so full, that if someone didn’t either come to get him or adopt him in the next couple weeks, that, well… they probably would have to… Fuck, Cater is allergic and Miller can’t have dogs at his place, and I- he’s so sweet, and I couldn’t just let him go so-”
“So you bought out the better part of the pet store so he could live here with us?” You grinned, raising an eyebrow at Javi as Bear happily sat himself down in his lap, making Javi grunt at the weight of the dog plopping himself down across his legs.
“I mean… I uh… I-” Javi mumbled, sheepishly looking down at Bear before looking back at you, doing your best to contain your laughter and giggles. “What, Hermosa?” Javi phrased it as a question, even though he already knew the answer- You were never going to let him live this down for the rest of his life.
“And you thought you needed to be worried about me bringing a dog home without asking. Does this mean we have a new member of the Peña family?” You smirked, making your way over to Javi and Bear, squatting down on the soaking bathroom floor next to them, pressing a playful peck onto Javi’s cheek as you gave Bear a big scratch.
“If that’s okay with you.”
“You’re lucky he’s cute, and you’re lucky you’re cute, too. Yes, of course it’s okay with me. Welcome to the family, Bear Peña.”
The two of you smiled at each other as you sat on the bathroom floor, a damp and soggy Bear spread across your laps with the happiest and goofiest grin spread over his face, too. While coming home to find Javi wrestling a stray dog in your tub wasn’t exactly how you pictured welcoming the newest member of your family into your lives, in some strange way, it couldn’t have felt more perfect. Getting to grow and share your life together with Javi was all you could ever really ask for, even if that meant a Monday night, soaking wet from a dog bath gone wrong.
“Okay, well, we should probably dry this goofball off and get his stuff all situated. Poor guy is probably exhausted after all of his adventures today, aren’t ya bud? Do you think we should put the dog bed in our room? I don’t want him to get scared during the night, but I’m not really sure if we should have him up on our bed, ya know?”
As you pushed yourself up to stand, you waited for Javi’s response, only to be greeted by double the amount of big, brown puppy dog eyes now staring back at you as you turned around. Javi still said nothing, a guilty look growing across his and the dog’s, as you let out a deep sigh, wondering how in the world you were going to build up your immunity to another sweet face that made you crumble.
“You already let him on the bed, didn’t you, Jav?”
“.... Maybe.”
“Like I said, the two of you are very lucky you’re cute.”
Taglist:
@cool-iguana @rhoorl @whyjuliaaa @bbiophiliaa @pertinentpostmortem @angelofsmalldeath-codeine @pedrobaby @fatima-marisa @beboldbebravethings @poodlebae @kittenlittle24 @3sriracha @jungchloee @perennialdoll247 @prettyinpunk85 @partyofone3413 @harriedandharassed @pedrohoe04 @theorganasolo @endlessthxxghts @beware-my-thorns @missladym1981 @messinadress @milly-louise @jay-zzle @the-one-with-the-grey-color @persephone-girl @bitchesuntitled @pedropascallvr @millennial-teenybopper @nastiasnow @vee-bees-blog @hopplessilse
#pedro pascal#narcos fanfiction#pedro pascal character fanfic#pedro pascal fanfiction#javier pena imagine#javi pena#javi peña x reader#javier pena#javier pena fanfiction#javier pena fic#javier pena fluff#javier pena narcos#javier pena smut#javier pena x f!reader#javier pena x female reader#javier pena x reader#javier pena x you#javier peña#javier peña fanfiction#javier peña smut#javier peña x f!reader#javier peña x female reader#javier peña x reader#javier peña x you#pedro pascal narcos#pedro pascal character#javier pena x ofc#javier pena x y/n
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I reason not.
Reason is the trickster of inner self's freedom. It temps you to trade your desire for comfort and new over the old.
Throughout our lives we've accepted that reason is a sort of currency in the world of imagination, you want to convince someone of something in return for the feeling of having their trust and do so through language. But words have no place in the world of imagination, they build roads that limit the inner man from going where he wishes to go. We've accepted that to convince self, or be convinced, has to be through words of logical reason.
It's only when we truly go within and feel around that we realize how limiting words themselves can be. Realize this, trying to reason yourself into why and how you are what you want to be will also be how you reason yourself out of it. As the inner man you don't have explain why u are who you want to be, why you have your desire through words and then hope it works.
Are you trying to convince the 3D or yourself?
Because then after the acceptance of doubtful event, your inner self feels " I don't have it" and is met with you saying "no i do have it now, look" then you proceed to imagine different things in an attempt at changing things in the 3D bc you believe satisfaction lies there, only to spiral further and panic.
Do not trust in my advice to be the full proof answer that will finally make u manifest but trust in your ability to understand and guide yourself through it, you can take my words and make them your own.
If creation is finished, then to desire is to have because it exists, you desire it because it exists and how could u want sth beyond your comprehension or its existence? you reason yourself into why you should go into the kitchen if you're hungry? Do you reason why you are in your bed right now?
Trying to reason or explain why you have what you want is the outer man trying to find a logical way things would happen through his limited sight, because he does not see what you, the inner man feels.
I know it can be incredibly difficult for some of you to silence the thoughts of reason, but the point is not to silence thoughts. It's about choosing not to deal with them.
I remember a time after I decided to let go of my negative thoughts, it was only because I cared only about what I wanted to feel, rather than what I should. Reason tried to argue with me but I would always shut it down with "but I really do not care" because I didn't, I didn't care how real it was or even I'd it was real, if I was doing it right. I only cared about feeling it for myself.
If you have to use words and reason yourself into it, you'll find yourself stuck bc words can be limiting to the inner man who feels beyond man made language. We put our feelings into words, but we know that what we feel is far greater than what we say. In a change of state you won't have to explain how you have what you want when you're met with doubt.
You don't reason with your thoughts,you don't reason against objects, you're going against yourself and trying to convince yourself at the same time. It is the same as " well I can't make it happen in the 3D but I have to find a way to materialize it by imagining and if I convince myself then I'll finally have it "
The feeling (acceptance) of self is all that matters and the core of Neville's laws. Neville never imagined to "get out" of a situation or "make something happen" he did it to change himself. He imagined being in Barbatos-the complete opposite environment where he was- to convince himself he was already there, not to forcefully feel happy or greatful, but to show himself proof he was there, and the outer world followed.
Instead of using words as your way to get by in imagination, bring life to it through feeling. Reason might be your currency but belief is your fortune.
#law of assumption#affirm and persist#loa#manifesation#manifesting#neville goddard#3d#affirmations#loa methods#void state
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Frozen: Forces of Nature - A Review
Queen Disa and Rupert Wolfgang's Big Adventure - Oh yea, featuring the Frozen Characters.
I was able to get access to Frozen: Forces of Nature early, on the website Wonderly with their + program. So, naturally, I felt it appropriate to give a review for those who are curious about the project and want to know what it is about and what to expect. Keep in mind that this is of course my opinion, and I recommend giving the Podcast a listen so that you can form your own.
This review will mostly be spoiler-free, however, I might mention a few things here and there that could be considered spoilers, so I will put the review under the read more. If you do not want to be spoiled at all, even a little bit, I recommend skipping this review. The free release will be on most Podcast platforms will be on October 11th.
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For a quick review for those who don't want to read too much - Forces of Nature is a cute story about Queen Disa learning to trust magic and how to be trusted herself. The secondary protagonist is Wolfgang, the Duke of Weselton's nephew, who through the help of Kristoff and Mattias, learns to find his true passions. Yes, the story revolves around Queen Disa and Wolfgang (you can't convince me otherwise), while Anna, Elsa, and the rest of the Frozen cast, take a huge backseat and act more as supporting characters.
There are many potentially interesting ideas in the podcast, but they are not explored to their fullest potential. We focus instead on these two characters and their relationships with the main Frozen cast and how they push them in the right direction to become better versions of themselves. Honestly, they should've made this a spin-off about these two characters instead of teasing us with Anna and Elsa being placed on the main cover.
My Overall Score - 40/100
I want to start by saying Forces of Nature is definitely not a mainline entry, even though it tries to imply this with the description of it being 'a story that happens between F2 and F3'. It was very much written like another Extended Universe Novel, both in the references to the recent novels in the F2 era and even using places from pre-F2 comics. I think they should have advertised it more as the last side story that they're going to release before F3 to give fans a better idea of what they can expect.
Some fans, including myself, theorized that Forces of Nature was going to tell a story about climate change (or nature vs. industry) with the hint of automatons disrupting the balance of nature and causing the spirits to be aggravated. However, this is not the case. While there are automatons, and the spirits definitely don't like them, it doesn't really try to touch on this subject at all.
The story, instead, seems like a story about trust. Anna and Elsa take different stances on trusting Queen Disa and her obsession with science, and the entire cast has to learn to trust Wolfgang, since his uncle is the Duke of Weselton. Queen Disa also struggles with trusting magic without knowing how it works, which causes some tension with Elsa. Elsa doesn't want to trust her, but Anna treats her as her closest friend. Wolfgang also has a side plot of trying to find his true calling and helps develop it as he builds a relationship with Kristoff and Mattias. Also, Wolfgang has bonus solo episodes.
Now, I don't mind when sequels or side stories try to make new characters have more depth. This was a main critique I had when it came to Polar Nights - how Inger and Sissel seemed to be just diet Anna and Elsa rather than interesting characters in their own right that we should root for. However, if it comes to the point where these new characters are taking time away from the characters we know and love, and the story pretty much revolves around their development, it makes them more annoying than interesting.
A balance definitely has to be made, making interesting new characters but not taking anything away from our actual leads.
Elsa is practically a non-character, only there to act as an obstacle to Disa's development, while Anna is the supportive best friend. Kristoff and Mattias surprisingly get a bit more screen time here, with Mattias narrating the story, and it is definitely welcoming. In Kristoff's case, however, he only shows up when he's directly involved with Wolfgang or Disa. No, there is no Kristanna content. You heard that correctly. there is none. Not even a little kiss or a 'my love' or nothing. Unless of course I missed it, but then it was incredibly tiny.
Another big thing that was disappointing, but sadly expected at this point, was that the Northuldra did not show up at all, only Ryder gets mentioned in passing. I understand that Disney does not want to write anything without Sami advisors/writers, but ignoring the Northuldran characters is not doing anything good either.
There are a lot of potential and interesting ideas present here, but a lot of it seems to not be explored at all. For example, Arendelle seems to have a big reputation for being magical and strange, but we don't really get to see this explored too much - only in relation to how Disa feels about the magical elements. We also get small crumbs of Kristoff learning to be a leader, but it is never really addressed that he will one day be King (or Prince Consort), it's only used as a way to build Wolfgang's character up some more. There were also some hints about climate-related damage, like how Sankershus was practically underwater due to floods and how the automatons leak oil - but again, it's not really explored.
Now, it could be that these things are not explored in depth because they are indeed hinting at what F3 could explore. However, I'm going to try not to go that crazy with speculation.
Overall, it was a decent experience, and had some very fun moments. However, Queen Disa and Wolfgang oversaturate the plot and take away screentime from our favorite characters. Elsa and Olaf are practically not in the story at all, there is no Kristanna content, no Northuldra, and even the spirits are surprisingly absent and only appear maybe once each. Many potentially interesting ideas are not explored, and it is a shame that this podcast had so much potential but ended up being, in my opinion, the worst post-F2 entry and possibly even the worst Frozen entry in the whole franchise.
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Okey but... if pats and the reader suddenly get it together and admit they have feelings for each other, how would they get around the him having other clients thing? It's eating away at me
Hello, friend. Good question.
Trust. Trust and communication is the answer.
It can be done. Although, I think Pats needs some convincing it will actually work...
Kiss and Tell: The First Date (GTTT PATS)
FANDOM: Calls - Apple TV (PATS is a character from ep. 3. “Pedro Across the Street.” This is not RPF.)
The dim room becomes a blur around him, the candles on the tables seeking only the surface or your face as you enter. Similar to approaching an oil painting from across a gallery, your expression gains more and more clarity as you move through the restaurant toward his table. Every few steps it changes. First it’s fear. But then, no, it’s concern. Wrong again.
It’s hope.
He slides out of the booth to greet you as soon as he spots you. He knows it’s on him to get this right, this first new moment, a proof that he has it in him to be what you want. Your pace falters a little as you get close and he can see you’re not sure how to proceed, after all, a hug? Or a kiss? In public? You’re obviously not sure what to do yet.
To be honest, he’s just glad you’re here.
But he’s got you. He can split this difference. Do this in a way that feels like a Thursday.
“Hi,” he whispers when you stop in front of him.
“Hi,” you return. And you smile. Thank god, you smile.
It only takes the time of a breath for him to raise a thumb to your jaw, to hold it in place so he can kiss your cheek. It’s a light kiss, slow, a greeting, an apology, one that establishes familiarity but doesn’t ask for much. It’s a kiss that says “I want more, but not now.”
He can feel the subtle push of your cheek into him, the clutch of your fingers on his shirtsleeve, the reluctance to pull back in order to slide into your side of the booth.
Well. That’s a good start. He’s going to use that momentum.
“After you left,” he starts without preamble, not only acknowledging the elephant in the room but walking right up to it and saddling up, “I couldn’t make myself pull the sheets off the bed. I slept there. I never sleep in that bed.”
Your grin bleeds through, captivatingly slow. “I have. Often. It’s very comfortable.”
He looks down at his hands clasped on the table, a little out of his depth as he tries to fight his own smile. He tries to remind himself that it’s okay to loosen control, it’s okay to … let you in. “Yeah. Well, Friday night didn’t go so well.”
Something flickers across your face, the tiniest widening of the eyes. “Yeah? How so?” It’s like your whole being is standing ready for this, as if you were standing with your arms wide, ready to catch him, even if you’re not strong enough to take what’s being thrown to you, you’re willing to be here, willing to give yourself as a place to land. “I’d like to hear.”
That’s what you’re both here for though, isn’t it? To build up that strength.
The waiter, however, has his own ideas. “Can I take your order?”
________
“The tandoor is a slow-roast, sir,” the waiter warns. “And we time your order to come all at once. It means you may be waiting half an hour for your meal.”
“That’s fine. We’ve got all night.” He looks to you. “You’re not that hungry just yet, are you?”
“Not in that way, no.”
With a nervous huff of a laugh, Pats nods to the waiter who leaves, seeming to understand that you two are not going to need extra attention tonight.
Patricio speaks low, requiring you to lean in over the table. At one point he takes your hands, instinctually rubbing slow circles into your palms with his thumbs. It helps him focus and gives any onlookers a narrative of why you’re mumbling with your heads together.
His client the next night after your last session–his monthly Friday–was a bit of a disaster, he tells you. At least the way he sees it.
He refrains from using her name. Or even a pseudonym. You’re not there yet. He’s not sure yet just how much you’ll be able to take this early…or ever. Might as well keep it clinical, continue to take care, assess when you’re ready to push further.
Monthly Friday is a long-term client, chronic back pain from a pretty bad car crash. Same thing every month, they have a chat about her progress, he checks over her physical therapist’s assessments and recommendations. Then he checks her flexibility and pain index as he undresses her. She likes to line herself up against him–her back to his front–and have him push her spine into him, curve himself into her, elongate her back with the warmth of his body.
Orgasm can be hard on the lower back when it's injured, so her massage includes some work on isolating her muscle groups, using his fingers to bring her close enough to the edge, talking her through a focus check, consciously retraining her body to react in a safe way to sexual stimulation.
As he explains this, he checks in with you, watching for changes in your expression, twitches in your hands, vibrations from your body like he’s something of a human EKG or lie detector, trying to read your reaction.
Your palms are a little damp, but he’s been holding your hands and massaging them, and his own are on fire… It’s a little warmer in here now that you’re here. Now that he’s telling you this.
Every now and then he checks to see that the tables around you aren’t quietly listening in, pausing whenever someone walks by. Meeting in public may not have been the best choice for this conversation, he needs you to know that he’s going to try. It’s dinner. It’s a date. Dates are for getting to know one another. And you wanted to know.
What he likes about fucking the Friday client, he explains, is the suspend. He has to be ultra controlled and super present, watching her reaction for any sign of pain, but loves it when he can make her smile–which she does when it feels good and she’s happy that she’s able to let go and let the conditioning work. That her muscles are learning how to redirect the tension without so much of her focus, that little by little, she can get back to enjoying sex again and not have to think too much through it.
“There’s this little crinkle she makes with her nose right before she comes,” he smiles down at your hands. “Like she’s on a roller coaster about to go over the first hill, or she can’t wait to open her eyes and see the surprise she’s been promised–”
Your fingers close over his thumbs. Shit. He’s gone too far.
But when he looks up, you’re just…looking back at him with something like…trust.
This is how you tell him. You want him to look at you when he tells you these things. Assure him you know. You know what he does. That you wanted to be a part of this.
He squeezes your hands. And true enough, it’s his that are sweating now. Perhaps you’re not the one he overestimated.
“I used your name,” he blurts out, “right when she, when her nose, I, I told her to let go, that I had her and just… it was natural…”
Your face is inscrutable. Shit.
“I think she noticed, but she was in her throes. I mean, that’s not really what I want to–” He moves to pull his hands away–
–but you hold on. Hard. Demand his eye-contact.
And he’s spellbound, stuck, not knowing what you want him to say, or how much.
Should he tell you how awkward he’d been during Friday’s exit assessment, how he swore and drank? How he went over your conversation in his mind and the last conversation he had with Shell, how his ex’s face kept swimming in, and how he’d sat next to you on his own bed and was tortured with the want to lay you back on it, to stain his sheets with you, to wrap you up and hold you there–
Does he tell you how he told himself on Saturday that the best thing for both of you was just to end it? Clean break? That you’d both move past it in time? Every other hour remembering that you’d said you were in love with him and knowing that he might be in love with you too, and when he picked that thought up to examine it, his clinical self turned away and swung back to ending it–
He doesn’t tell you that Sunday was a blur, that Monday he called in sick–
But you…begin to laugh. To laugh. And it’s like his favorite song. “Oh my god, I really messed you up, didn’t I, beautiful?”
Because you know. You know he’d have to be pretty distracted to make that kind of mistake.
You know.
And here you are, sitting across from him, with that laughter of yours that pulls a smile out of him every time, listening to him tell you about making another woman come, and… understanding him.
You keep surprising him.
It’s too early to think this might actually work. Too early to get his hopes up. Too early to–
“Good,” you hum as your laugh trails off. “Because I was pretty messed up myself.”
“Pres–”
“Another time,” a coded ‘not now’ as a team of servers bring trays filled with tandoor and flat breads, sauces and spreads, a full teapot and two tiny cups. When they walk off, leaving your table covered corner to corner with a sizable feast, you stammer, “Wow. Ah. This looks amazing, but…I’m...to be honest, I’m not going to be at my best after all this.”
He gives you a small smile. “It’s okay. I’m not taking you home tonight.”
“You’re...not?”
“No. But, what are your plans for tomorrow night?”
“No plans.”
“Saturday? Sunday?”
That slow smile returns. “Nothing I can’t cancel.”
“Good. I want to take you home for that.”
“Which?”
He imagines waking up beside you. “All of it.”
“Okay.”
___
The meal is good. Amazing. Now that the proverbial door’s open, you match his conversation style and there’s nothing you can’t talk easily about. It’s good. This is good.
At one point when you’re both satiated and contentedly sipping tea, he catches something troubling in your expression.
“You okay?” he prompts.
“Yeah.” There’s more to come. He waits. You’re working up to something. “Thanks for telling me about your client. Can I ask you to do something for me?”
Hmm. Could be right about being too soon to get hopes up.
“Sure.”
The effort of the question shows on your face, twists your lip, squeezes your shoulders. “I think it might help me–-and maybe not always, maybe just sometimes-–to ask you… why me and not her? I know it’s selfish–”
“It’s not. It’s okay.”
“I mean, you obviously care about her, the way you described the way her nose–”
“The reason you and not her…is because your tell is cuter.”
He enjoys where this catches you, how it stops you in between shock and delight, how it makes you glow just a little. He’ll remember this. Save this little treasure for later when he goes home alone. Another reason why you and none of them.
“And what’s my tell?”
He smiles. “I’m not gonna reveal that. Ex-client confidentiality.”
He enjoys the soft expression this brings out in you too.
That’s his one thing, he thinks. Even if you both get to the point when he can open all the way, where he can tell you everything, that’s the secret he’ll get to keep.
One you’ll actually thank him for.
______
NEXT
MASTERLIST
SERIES MASTERLIST
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OKAY IMPORTANT UPDATE SO Crow convinced me that the more appropriate Type Of A Guy group is Allant, Gwyn, Aldia, Aldrich, Micolash and Shabriri, and it was actually Laurence who I unofficial 7th member because his portrayal and being pair item with Micolash is very speculative even if reasonable. As we in Russia say, пока запишем карандашом. I'd now ask you to write something funny and cringey for new super cool updated cast thanks to that CHICKEN, but this will just come across as me barely concealing my simping -_-" So I'll just ask for YOU to rate The Guys. You need to speak your opinions more, it is always good shit
Noooooo now I have to ramble about characters I hate that, fuck you. I hate rating people lol. But fineeeee:
Number 6 - Micolash lmaoripbozo
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Ok ok, that's not actually true... I think my actual number 6 for the time being might be Shabriri. That doesn't mean I hate the guy, but he is simply a fucking dick. Like, so far he's the only one with not a droplet of cohesive motivation, and ending the suffering of everyone seems like a front for his true desire of seeing chaos consume reality. I like myself a seemingly pure evil baddie, but if I have to rate him with all the other dudes, he sorta pales in comparison. Maybe the DLC will expand on his philosophy and what he did before he had the Nomads entombed and decided to set the world ablaze with chaos. He IS very fun though, I will give him that lmao.
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At number 5 I'd probably put Allant, though he might be subject to change whenever I get to play Demon's Souls. As was stated a bunch, he is a more depressed Shabriri, which makes him more genuine. His desire to end the suffering of mankind is true, unlike the previous prick, even if his methods of attaining that are fucked beyond compare. And that's the problem with him lol.
He only increased the world's suffering exponentially, because that's arguably what benefits the soul-hungry demons in the long run. He failed the one thing he wanted to do and probably doesn't even see it because he is too blinded by his own suffering and hatred of life. He is the reason his kingdom is run by corrupt officials, that his son gives up on life, and that most of his people have become food for unfeeling abominations. He is a weak leader. There's nothing wrong with being weak, but you are not supposed to drag the world down with you the way he decided to do...
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Number 4 was hard to place since I am still not sure what I am rating them for... so far it seems to be the complexity of their motivations/actions and the way they went about them. I guess this spot could go to Micolash in this case. Most of his motivations (if they even are his, and not just those of the School of Mensis as a whole) are context-heavy, which isn't really good in terms of building a compelling case as to why he should be above someone like Allant... still, the amount of cut content centered around him points to him having had a much richer role than what meets the eye, which I believe boost the likelihood that his character is well-defined even in the full game.
(To be honest, even if we know very little of that version of him, I suspect I would have liked him more like that lmao.)
His pursuit of knowledge probably had a concrete goal before it spiraled into what we see in-game. Despite its horrible fuckups, the Healing Church did start out genuinely seeking ways to better humanity, but it distanced from it the more it continued. The Choir, where he and most of Mensis probably originates, already sought to abandon their human roots, and the school he was part of likely did so even more. But they wouldn't seek guidance from the Great Ones, they'd become on par with them.
And to rise above humanity they did unspeakable things... some of them didn't even make any sense. Why stitch together those horrible corpse beasts? Why switch the heads of two animals? Why cram all those human remains into one casket? Not to mention all the people that were kidnapped: half of them were strapped to chairs and the other half turned to stone and merged into the walls. Everything just to try and proceed with a deranged ritual that was only made possible by desecrating an infant and its mother.
And when you finally meet him he is just rambling to himself, all alone and surrounded only by corpse puppets, Edgar and the occasional attendant. He has been stuck between those halls for long enough that his body has been mummified, and doesn't seem to have made any significant progress. He has likely lost his mind, rendering whatever it was that he was seeking worthless. But hey, at least he was closer than anyone to finding out about Kos from outside the Hunter's Nightmare, so I guess we can give him that.
Also his cut dialogue is pretty emotional, and makes me wonder just how different he was before he lost his mind... I ultimately think I have a soft spot for him ahahah
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Number 3 is Gwyn, but it was really close with Aldrich on this one, lol. I decided his goals were assuredly less complex/noble, even though his means weren't as grotesque. To be honest, I think he's a pretty maligned character, for good reasons mind you. He effectively screwed over everyone in an attempt to keep the status quo intact, and before that, he took several preventive measures that just made life miserable for people in the long run. All of this paints a rather unflattering picture of Gwyn, and I do not deny this. What I argue against is the reason why he did what he did... to me, Gwyn was genuinely afraid.
Kaathe says Gwyn "trembled at the Dark", he was surely afraid of what darkness and an age of men entailed, especially for his people and family. What he did feels less like something a power-hungry lord who seeks to keep his power intact would do and more like one desperate attempt to delay a force much greater than you. His was a sacrifice in the end, and while his legacy is and will inevitably be cinders in an empty world, what prompted him to do what he did was something understandable, and very human of him ironically enough...
As an aside, I'm actually not super convinced that Gwyn fits neatly into this group of guys either. Honestly, Dark Souls 1 might lack a character that embodies this vibe. Instead, it has several with only bits and pieces of it. I find it more fitting to group him with the likes of Marika and Laurence rather than these other dudes.
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Number 2 is Aldrich as you could have probably guessed. He is an awful awful man, but his course of action is probably the most anyone had been doing before the Unkindled woke up to make DS3 happen lol. The world had reached a point of stagnation when nothing new was happening. The dark threatens the light, but then the flame is kindled again, rinse and repeat again and again and again... he was doing SOMETHING different and prompting change, even if it was in a way that could be considered disgusting, unpleasant and evil. The once beautiful Deep had been turned into a seedbed of filth because of the stagnant nature of reality and this seemingly endless cycle, and he alone saw salvation through a different kind of age. The start of a brand new, different thing.
The path was arduous, the means deranged, but he DID want something more than chaos for chaos' sake, unlike Shabriri. He wanted to change things, but not passively like Allant. He did not lose track of his goal the more he accomplished like Micolash did, and he did not wish to uphold the status quo but rather challenge it, unlike Gwyn. But I really, REALLY understand why everyone sees him and recoils in horror or thinks there's nothing more complex behind his actions than a simple hunger for power and flesh.
But you know Miyazaki, he likes to write characters who do some really awful things but still portrays them as courageous and heroic in their madness and skewed ways. I get the same vibe from Aldrich, but that doesn't mean he wasn't intentionally portrayed the way he was to inspire discomfort or hatred in most players ahahah. Both things can be true at the same time, and they are!
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Lol number 1's Aldia. He's got everything Aldrich has except for his abhorrent mannerisms and vices. He is someone wholly dedicated to the pursuit of answers, and from what I can tell most of his test subjects were people who accepted his invitations to the keep, which was mostly other madmen with a similar desire to break the boundaries of reality. Of course, it wouldn't be a Soulsborne game without a good dose of war crimes, so he did do things to the giants who ended up as prisoners of war during the two conflicts his brother took part in, but he wasn't making chimeras out of them or wasting them in useless experiments at the very least. Heck, he pretty much turned one into a superior being who seems to be all chill.
All horrors he committed in his mansion were for a singular goal: breaking the curse and finding a way out of a played-out cycle, even by the time of DS2. And while the depths of this obsession show some pretty horrible results, he isn't at all the same as Aldrich, who relished in the suffering of his victims. One can find his experiments horrid, but the man himself not so much. He was simply devoted. So devoted in fact that he destroyed himself to the point he was left with nothing but an endlessly-smouldering body. And despite achieving a form that's arguably outside of the cycle, he still saw it as a failure, because it wasn't what he wanted for humanity.
I've heard him get called a fence-sitter because he promotes inaction, but to arrive at such a conclusion you have to ignore everything that led him to his current state, AND his words to the Bearer of the Curse. If anything, this dude probably did everything one could do in the hopes of changing things, I think he is allowed to feel disillusioned at the end of it all without being described as a fence-sitter. In what way is he one anyhow? Both potential ages suck. Any witless fool can just waltz in and burn themselves or let the flame die. Someone like him would literally have zero reasons to care about either outcome because all his work was meant to lead to something beyond it... but he failed and awaited someone else who would challenge the order of the world and succeed where he couldn't.
At the end of the day, I'm not saying he didn't do anything wrong lol, he still did some pretty weird shit... but I don't think it's insane to say that he is more respectable than basically everyone else on this list by virtue of actually being pretty selflessly motivated and for never losing the plot of why he was doing all those things in the first place.
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I still don't know if I did good lmao, but yeah, this is what I think. If you noticed I get more verbose the deeper we go, that was intentional. It's not as if I don't have anything to say about Shabriri (you should know), it's just for the purposes of this "rating". Ultimately they are all prime characters.
#dark souls#dark souls 3#elden ring#bloodborne#dark souls 2#gwyn lord of cinder#micolash host of the nightmare#shabriri#aldrich devourer of gods#old king allant#aldia scholar of the first sin#I had to think a lot about it and I am still not satisfied#but I best not overthink it and just post it lol#never ask me anything ever again!!!!#(I am joshin' ily)#val-responds#val-post
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Welcome to Kalen Tries a Life Hack/Brain Hack, brought to you by....well, me.
So certain obvious things are obvious: I’ve been struggling for awhile, the whole being off my meds thing for months cuz of the Adderall shortage hit me HARD, and the number one thing I need to actually build and move forward and get out of eternal debt and accomplishing actual goals is a degree of stability.
I’m eternally grateful for every donation people have given me over the years and its literally kept me alive and off the streets at times. But ebegging sucks, nobody likes doing it, and its not sustainable.
Thing is, I’ve been talking about getting a steady patreon up and running forever but like, there’s always a reason why it doesn’t happen. Part of that is because of the basic nature of how things compound when you lack resources and have issues to address on multiple fronts. New problems demanding my time and attention constantly pop up while adding to stress and affecting my overall mental state and productivity. Part of that is the fact that I am my own worst enemy when in states of high stress, low meds, and minimal resources.
I get caught in loops where I convince myself that the only way forward or to validate the help I’ve been given or asked is via some big grand production that of course never materializes because haha if I were in a state where I could reliably create the product I want on the timetable I need, most of my problems would take care of themselves. But also I have a tendency to try and pull a former life hack I used to rely on, the whole ‘when my executive dysfunction is particularly bad, use pressure and deadlines to try and force myself to produce’ which y’know....may have worked at previous points in my life but I was in very different places then and bottom line, it just flat out doesn’t work for me now, so it just ends up as overpromising and flaking out with no actual gains to show for it.
So I’m trying a different approach. I’m just putting it out there, this is what it is, and I’m starting small in complete opposition to my usual (and not working) attempts. I’ve opened up a discord for my fics and original projects and am listing the tiers of my patreon below. I’m following this up with complete rundowns of everything I have SOMETHING for, to some degree or another:
1) Teen Wolf fanfics
2) Original fantasy works
3) Dick Grayson fanfics
4) Original sci-fi works
5) X-Men fanfics
6) Original superhero works (my original superhero universe, the Ellis Eighteen ‘verse)
I’ll tackle the Teen Wolf stuff following this post, and then try and do the rest one day at a time. That’s the gist of the life hack: just going with the philosophy something is better than nothing. None of these do me any good just sitting on my computer and I’m flat out, literally just never going to reach a stable enough place where I AM just able to complete and release any of them in their complete form, the way I’d like, if I keep overshooting without ending any further along.
So I’m just gonna try building it one day at a time, growing it with the support of people who are interested enough in what there is now to want to see more and help me get more out there, until bit by bit I eventually reach actual completion on some of them.
Any and all of these can be followed up on in my discord server should any catch your eye enough to want to try just a trial’s month - with this next month being much the same for me, as I see how viable this is and how well I’m sticking to it, versus what changes I can make to make it more effective.
My blog isn’t going anywhere, the server is just entirely for fic and original projects and all things related to them, but my usual inanity will persist, I do want to try to get back to writing meta and stuff and being more active in my fandoms, hopefully once I get back on my meds and get a little more grounded.
My existing patterns of posting and interaction aren’t contingent on people donating or joining my discord - I don’t intend for much to change here. And I’m not saying like ‘from now on I’m only posting my writing to my discord’ or anything like that. Its literally just for people who want to help support me while I add to my existing content, are fine with or interested in more of my content even in incomplete stages, are interested in commissioning ‘writing time’ on specific projects of their choice while I do my writing directly in the server....and once I do have a new complete chapter of a fic or complete one-shot, etc....that’ll still get posted for anyone to read. Same as how I still intend to publish or self-publish original projects once they reach completion.
Its like I said: I just can’t deliver completion in a timely, reliable fashion the way I want, as is, and I can’t make guarantees on when complete projects will materialize without it just ending up more empty promises. THIS I at least can deliver on, and use it to build to something bigger and more complete. *Shrugs* I’d rather get something out there than just continually shifting goalposts about when something will be out here.
SO!
All that said, below are the tiers I’m going with. I literally don’t even have the patreon itself made yet because a) I’ve used ‘I still have to make that’ as an excuse not to do this too many times so I literally just said fuck it and opened up a new post and started typing this instead, lol and b) Patreon does only pay out monthly and not going to lie, could really use donations in the meanwhile as I’m trying to get a new prescription appointment ($180 now thanks to my psychiatrist raising their rates, yay) for different ADHD meds since Adderall still isn’t reliably in stock and they won’t switch my prescription over to something I haven’t tried out yet without a new appointment (and those meds will likely be in the $50-$90 range).
SO I literally am just posting this now, with my paypal and ko-fi links, but the discord itself is already up if anyone wants to just donate directly and ask for a direct discord link/invite and then I’ll add the link to the actual patreon as soon as its up, but also, if you go the donation route you can try this out and see if its worth it to you this month before actually signing up for the patreon or trying a different tier.
TIERS
1) $1 tier: No rewards offered, I've seen this done by other people who have regular platforms they create content on and don't charge anything so its like a completely opt-in "hey if you just like my blog and content in general, would like to see me be able to make a go of being a creator and support that in general because you think I come up with interesting stuff, this is super helpful and appreciated" thing. I know a lot of people don’t think $1 makes a difference, but literally just $1.39 buys a thing of pasta that can feed me for two days if need be, and a couple more bucks from someone else gets some sauce, lol. Trust me, if you’re ever like “I’d like to support him but only have an extra buck or two and don’t know if that would make a difference” - it does, and is still super appreciated!
2) $5 tier: As stated, I’ve set up a discord where anyone can start threads for literally any of my fanworks, Teen Wolf, Dick Grayson, and X-Men, and ask what I have available as is on that particular project, pick my brain about it, engage me on it in the hopes it leads to me dedicating my next writing session to it if I’m not already planning to write something else in specific, etc. This tier gives people access to it, so they can see the stuff I don't have published or released because its not finished yet, or I’ve written parts non-linearly, and there’s a specific scene they were hoping to see in the fic later on and wondered if that’s written yet, etc. Plus this is where I’ll do all my fanfic writing sessions when I am actively working on a new chapter or something, because I LIKE to write in real-time on things like discord (I used to write fic in a messenger app with Moukie. I didn’t even need them reading it or responding, just knowing someone was 'there' made it easier for me to write, just makes it easier to shut up and write or get the words to come).
So I figure might as well try and make it a two-fer: for five bucks people can get access to stuff that might not be finished yet (or even ever) but still could be interesting or enjoyable to them, but also can read along as I work on stuff that I'm actively trying to update, even if I still end up with more to go in that chapter or fic and thus its not ready to update yet by the end of a writing session
3) $10 tier: Exact same thing as the $5 tier, which is also included with this one, but this one also gives access to the separate forum I’ve opened up for my various original projects I'm working on or at least started/got a sizable dent into even if they ended up discarded (at least for now). Again, this one is primarily for people who want to support me in general, free up time from constantly stressing about being able to afford food and meds and wasting so much time looking for more freelance opportunities or work - which basically doubles the amount of time I spend ‘working’ every day without anything to show for most of it. This allows for more writing time in general, but at least comes with something to show for it, and like, I figure anyone who genuinely thinks 'hey I think this guy can write/would buy his book' could find something to interest them in here, especially since it also includes the same 'read-along' option for my literal WIPs when I’m doing a writing session on one of them.
4) $15 tier: Both previous tiers are included, but with this tier people also get the option of picking a story from any of the fandom or original projects I have up on my server, and making it the focus of one of my writing sessions that month. They can do it either as a prompt "hey would like if you dedicated one of your writing sessions to working on this particular project this month, whenever that happens to be" or if they want, they can try and coordinate a time for that writing session, as in I’d go "these are the hours I typically do my writing these days, pick when you'd like to see me work on this story," either cuz they'd like to read along, or its earlier in the month, or like, they have that day off and thus its a good day for re-reading that project or maybe getting an update on it, etc.
Typically, my writing sessions tend to be at least an hour, anywhere up to around six hours, so this tier guarantees that at least one hour of writing time that month would be focused on a particular project. But as much as I hop around between projects in general, I don't switch between projects in the same single writing session, so practically speaking, it would likely be more than just a single hour, and could even result in an entire chapter update on chaptered works. I just know I can guarantee the hour, whereas I can’t guarantee 'oh this will for sure be a five hour writing session' and thus I went somewhat higher than like, a wage for an hour's work, but not like, super high? As I figure its more likely to land somewhere in the middle, length of time-wise. But also, depending on how this actually goes this first month, I might end up adjusting my approach to this tier or the price level, etc.
5) $25 tier: This one includes all the same access and rewards provided by the lesser tiers as well, but with the additional reward that in addition to getting to set the agenda for one writing session that month, you get to also set that same project or a different one as a 'boosted priority' for the month. What this means is - in the interests of maximizing the gains of having people thwart my indecisiveness over what to work on, lol - whatever you pick here will go on a shortlist of projects that are my go-to's for the month, any time I have a writing session I don't already have a prompt for, or a personal desire to focus on a certain project.
Basically, its a way of creating my short list of 'To Turn To In Case of Indecisiveness' any time I am being stalled by indecisiveness, rather than other external issues, and any 'prompted' writing sessions are already scheduled or used up. So this one comes with caveats....I want to make it clear that 'how much' people get out of this one is NOT something i can guarantee, as it'll depend on how many writing sessions I can squeeze in that month overall, whether or not I have a particular project that's on the brain enough that I'm going to it regularly, just based on my own choice/momentum, stuff like that.
But the plus side of this one is if the $15 tier is of interest to people, and its worth it to get to be able to ask for several hours' worth of productivity/output on a particular story of mine.....this tier potentially replicates that same thing multiple times throughout a month and can lead to a lot of progress on a certain single story. So potentially, way more bang for your buck. It is more of a crapshoot, but worst case scenario, you're still likely to get at least two writing sessions geared towards a story you're interested in, for less than double the cost of your patronage of one writing session...but best case scenario, in a month where I don't have a ton of other pressing projects demanding my attention, this could keep me engaged with your project of choice regularly throughout the month, with the increased output to show for it.
Either way, people are still likely to end up with way more output of their choice/liking due to this than they ever would have if I were just sitting in front of my computer playing 'how much time can I waste doing nothing productive while claiming its just cuz I need to Make The Right Choice of what project to be productive on.'
All that said:
I'm focusing just on time rather than length/word count at the moment just because mentally its a lot easier/less stressful for me to think 'oh I know for sure I can make sure they receive the time I guaranteed I'd focus/devote to this in exchange for their patronage' because its a lot easier for me to just show up and start writing than it is for me to look at a set length of fic I need to complete within a certain timeframe - as the latter is a lot more likely to suck me into one of my weird spirals where completion becomes the enemy of productivity.
Anyway.
I think that’s everything, thank you as always for hearing me out and your consideration even if you don’t end up giving this a whirl. No expectations here, I have no idea how well or not it might work out, but its something new to try because previous approaches just aren’t working but I’m not throwing in the towel, just.....reconfiguring for a new run at achieving some long-term stability and productivity. This at least is a lot more geared towards navigating around my particular issues with my ADHD and executive dysfunction and finding a way to hack them even when I’m not on meds. So, let this experiment begin I guess? LOL. The end.
My links:
https://paypal.me/bigskydreaming?country.x=US&locale.x=en_US
https://ko-fi.com/kalenp
And again, if you want to go ahead and give one of these tiers a try via a donation, you can hit me up directly for a discord invite, or if you prefer more anonymity/distance, you can just wait for the patreon with a more automated/streamlined process. You can also upgrade to a different tier later of course, and let me know if you have specific questions.
Thank you again!
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Prompts – Lines from Black Sails
“Are you as surprised as I am that I’m the only one here behaving myself?”
“Give us your submission and we will give you all the comfort you need.”
“I can think of no measure of comfort worth that price.”
“I could walk out there and tell them the sky is red and they’d believe me. That’s the power you’ve given me.”
“Everyone is a monster to someone. Since you are so convinced that I am yours, I will be it.”
“We are at our least rational when we’re at our most vulnerable. If nothing else, this is a good reminder that, without a doubt, she is the point at which I’m at my most vulnerable.”
“A choice between you and I? She and I have been by each other's sides since she was thirteen years old. We have sailed together, we've killed together, we have shared things you couldn't begin to imagine. You've shared a bed with her for a week.”
"You would be amazed what could change in a week in my bed.”
"Did he say how he went into the water?”
"He said he lost his footing and he fell. He said you tried to save him.”
"And how did the crew react to hearing that?”
"Stunned and surprised I would say.”
“I have seen what she can build when she is feeling ambitious. I have seen what she can destroy when she is angered.”
"Which of the two was she just now?”
"She was something else entirely.”
“It was as if the sea had conjured that man out of nothing, and then taken him back for some unknowable purpose. When I first met Mr. Gates and he asked me my name, I feared the man I was about to create. I feared that someone, born of such dark things, would conceal me were I not careful. And I was determined to wear him only for a while, and then dispose of him when his purpose was complete.“
“You and I both know that there are men on both sides of this war whose identities are so enmeshed in this conflict that they are more afraid of ending it than they are of losing it.”
“When the dread moment arrives, your true nature will assert itself.”
“Right now, good men is not what the moment requires. Right now, the time calls for dark men to do dark things. Do not be afraid to lead them to it.”
“The Empire survives in part because we believe its survival to be inevitable. It isn’t. And they know that. That’s why they’re so terrified of you and I.”
“The threats have been made, the story’s been told.”
“I was so close to saying yes. There were good reasons to say yes and I heard it in my mind, trying to speak it over and over again. When the moment finally came, I spilt so much of myself into this place, in that moment I honestly didn’t know where I ended and it began. There may be ways of severing oneself in that way — sacrificing one part to save the other. In that moment, I honestly couldn’t find something sharp enough to make the cut.”
“Never let anyone stand in between you and your ambitions. Thank you for teaching that to me.”
“The closer we get to the end of this journey, the more contradictions we’ll accumulate — confusing issues we once thought were clear. I suppose the good news is, that’s how we’ll know we’re finally getting somewhere interesting.”
“The people he holds closest are most at risk of being consumed by him.“
“Worry ain’t a good look for a king. Not in a kingdom like this...where loyalty is in short supply.”
“It seems the only means I have in registering any meaningful disapproval of this deal at this point is to kill one or the both of you.”
“I beg of you, is there any way you can forgive me? That was the general sense of what I thought I might hear, coming from your mouth, were I ever this close to you again.”
“The new world is a gift. A sacred opportunity to right our wrongs and begin anew. And I do not want my family's plot in it to be the reason for its fall.”
“All this will be for nothing. We will have been for nothing. Defined by their histories, distorted to fit into their narrative, until all that is left of us are the monsters in the stories they tell their children.”
“Nobody will believe it’s possible until we show them. But when that day comes, you know what they’ll say? They’ll say that it was inevitable.“
“This is how they survive. You must know this. You’re too smart not to know this. They paint the world full of shadows… and then tell their children to stay close to the light. Their light. Their reasons, their judgments. Because in the darkness, there be dragons. But it isn’t true. We can prove that it isn’t true. In the dark, there is discovery, there is possibility, there is freedom in the dark once someone has illuminated it. And who has been so close to doing it as we are right now?“
“No matter how many lies we tell ourselves, no matter how many stories we convince ourselves we’re a part of, we’re all just thieves awaiting a noose.”
“A story is true. A story is untrue. As time extends, it matters less and less. The stories we want to believe, those are the ones that survive, despite upheaval and transition and progress. Those are the stories that shape history.”
“The only thing I’m ashamed of is that I didn’t do something to save him when we had the chance. That instead, I listened to you.”
“And every time I said my name, they knew my name. The first thing they said every time was your name. Like we was two halves of the same thing. I can’t be your wife. But you and I are gonna be partners till they put us in the f***ing ground.”
“You’re an educated man, my lord, but I think it worth reminding you that in most cases a man trying to change the world fails for one simple and unavoidable reason… everyone else.”
“Me, I can’t help myself. I see an opportunity, I take it. It’s a sickness.”
"If you're going to behave like children, then I will be your daddy."
"It ain't cowardly to want to do a hard thing smart."
“I once thought that to lead men in this world, to be liked was just as good as feared. And that may very well be true. But, to be both liked and feared all at once, is an entirely different state of being.”
“This ends when I grant them my forgiveness. Not the other way around."
“To be underestimated is an incredible gift.”
“What if the result of this war isn't beyond the horror? What if it is the horror itself?”
“A long time ago, I absolved myself from the obligation of finding any. No need to account for all my life’s events in the context of a story that somehow defines me. Events, some of which, no one could divine any meaning from other than that the world is a place of unending horrors. I’ve come to peace with the knowledge that there is no storyteller imposing any coherence, nor sense, nor grace upon those events.”
“This is the most dangerous part. Look at him. His mind is drowning in questions.”
“You don't know me, but you once did, when I was the lowest among you. Now I return, and I offer you a chance to be free of this place.”
"I will go on, from time to time. But generally in the service of thoroughness."
“Great art has felled empires”
“I want to see this whole goddamned city, this city that you purchased with our misery, burned. I want to see you hanged on the very gallows that you use to hang men for crimes far slighter than this. I want to see that noose around your neck and I want to pull that fucking lever with my own two hands!”
“I have known you like no other. So I love you like no other.”
“I think you're fighting for the sake of fighting! Because it's the only state in which you can function. The only way to keep that voice in your head from driving you mad!”
“I will guide you through it, but at its end is where you must leave me. At its end is where you will find the peace that eludes you, and at its end lies the answer you refuse to see.”
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Episode 11 Reaction
I had a lot of feelings and thoughts after watching episode 11. I wanted to record them here. These are my own personal opinions.
First of all, I loved the episode! I was glued to the screen from the beginning to the end.
Vegas/Pete - What an interesting, dynamic pairing. Such excellent acting from Bible and Build. In Vegas and Pete, we have a meeting of equals coming from opposite sides - Vegas, darkness and Pete, light.
Vegas starts off the episode by groping Pete and discovering his hip tattoo: “No legacy is so rich as honestly.”
He berates Pete and gets even more handsy. I have to admit that I found this whole scene to be very hot (sorry, Pete!). Vegas’s Dad interrupts, and we discover that Vegas’s dad is physically and verbally abusing his own son.
Then, we get that phone call with Pete’s Grandma. I loved seeing Vegas pet and kiss Pete, while he lies and sobs on the phone, probably thinking that it’s the last time he’s going to talk to her. Vegas doesn’t kill Pete but drags him along to the safe house because he doesn’t want to be alone there.
Kinn/Porsche scenes were cute and light-hearted in this episode, but I can’t help but feel that Porsche has no idea what he’s getting into.
This is Porsche’s clueless expression after Kinn’s dad told him that he and Porchay are going to move into the mansion, and he was going to be a live-in boyfriend. Afterwards, the couple acts like they’re on a honeymoon, but I wonder if Porsche will have to make a decision about this mafia lifestyle. I don’t understand the benefits, for him, of living with Kinn. Yes, he’s with his rich boyfriend, but Porsche seems like a simple guy. His big dream was to have a bar by the beach. As Kinn’s guy, he’d need his own bodyguard detail, Chay would need his own bodyguards, Chay has to live away from his precious house and with the mafia, and let’s not forget about Porsche’s insecurity.
In the last two episodes, he’d tailed Tawan, Kinn’s ex, leading to a whole host of problems. It was clear that Kinn didn’t trust him because he didn’t let Porsche into the plan he had in place for Tawan. In episode 11, Porsche’s insecurity rears up again but in a funny way - he chooses the least attractive and least fit guards to be Kinn’s new bodyguards since Ken and Big are dead (RIP) and Porsche is now the boyfriend. The scene is funny until you think about all that Porsche doesn’t know about his boyfriend and living the mafia lifestyle. The last episode, Porsche escaped with Vegas and only just discovered how malicious the man could be. I’m not fully convinced that Porsche is 100% knowledgable about what his situation is. I want to be clear, though. I do not criticize Porsche’s actions. If I were to place myself in his shoes, knowing what he knows, and being inexperienced in romance, I would make similar (or even worse) decisions.
Kinn knows a little better about the situation Porsche is in. I actually liked the scene where he told his Dad and Tankhun that he needs to let Porsche go. He didn’t even try to get in between the brothers, he knows how close they are. He knows the mafia life is dangerous, and apart of him doesn’t want Porsche near it. The game changer comes when his dad approves of their relationship and moves Porsche in.
Back to Vegas and Pete!
We start seeing a change in Vegas. He calls Pete his “pet” and disciplines him via belt. It leaves some deep gashes on Pete’s chest. However, I think it’s important to point out that the show makes it clear that Vegas doesn’t engage in the physical torture right after dealing with his father. Vegas’s father makes him feel angry and humiliated, causing a rush of negativity. He doesn’t immediately rush to punish Pete because his Dad punished him.
We find out why when Pete confesses that his own father used to beat him because he felt inferior. In order for Pete and Vegas to work out romantically, the cycle of violence needs to be broken. Whenever Vegas feels inferior or angry, he cannot take it out on Pete or else their relationship would be abusive. Instead, we see Vegas panic when Pete becomes unconscious.
He panics because he’s gotten attached to Pete. I don’t think he loves him or anything close to that. For a while, Pete has been a constant presence in Vegas’s life. He’s been someone who’s seen Vegas for who he truly is and has challenged him.
It’s worth noting that Vegas can be a very sweet person. Throughout the series, it’s been difficult to figure out who is the real Vegas. In episode 7, we saw how respectfully the people treated Vegas. It wasn’t out of fear, they genuinely liked and respected him. He also has a positive relationship with his brother, Macau, and looks after him as best as he can. So, he has the capability to be sweet, gentle, and kind. However, he uses his soft side to manipulate and hurt others.
When Vegas treats an injured Pete and brings him noodles, we’re seeing real Vegas. That’s why Pete and Vegas are such an interesting pairing because they show their true selves to each other. Even Pete walks around with a mask-- have you noticed that he smiles “brightly” whenever feeling embarrassed or shocked or another kind of negative emotion? He gives the world cute, happy, fake smiles in order to mask what he’s feeling.
Other than giving Vegas some twisted smiles, he hasn’t smiled with Vegas. He hasn’t had much reason to, so far, but I know that we’ll see genuine smiles from Pete once their romance settles. I’m also looking forward to seeing Pete initiate physical intimacy with Vegas since he hasn’t so far.
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The Unmistake - Part Ten
(Wow tenth part, also i cant lie i was bored of them not being together. This is in Austin's POV i plan for every five to be in his, probably. But that will probably change just like everything else about this. Also sorry for the lazy time skips!! xx)
Two months later – Austin’s point of view
Over the last two months I had barely seen Lottie, Baz had me flying all over the place for filming. In some ways I was grateful, after the whole ordeal that was New Year’s. I was so sure I’d read her right. That there was something more between us. That she felt it too. How could I have been so wrong? All things considered, it could have been a lot worse, but still things shifted. I hadn’t been at home for more than a week and while I had to miss out on a lot of baby stuff, the space was needed. I say ‘home’ but in reality I mean Lottie’s flat; with me being so busy we still hadn’t found another flat. Was it bad to say that I didn’t really want to anymore? Or maybe that I never did?
So when Baz closed production down for a week – he was incredibly sick and so were loads of the crew- I tried to not pout when Lottie suggested we finally took the time to look for a flat. I glanced to her, her bump now noticeable with no way of hiding it, and she looked tired. I couldn’t tell her no. I was a nuisance to her and refused to be any more so. “Okay why don’t you choose three to go view, and I choose three. Then we can talk about it after.” she said. I readily agreed and booked a couple of viewings.
~~~
The first was one Lottie picked, and it was fair to say the pictures had not been of the same place. It was dark and claustrophobic but had three bedrooms. Lottie tried to convince me it was great considering the price for the area, but I couldn’t bring myself to agree. The others she picked seemed to follow the same layout, a good price, three bedrooms, but utterly horrible. As we sat down to dinner that night, she looked a bit defeated. “Aw Lottie, come on. We couldn��t live there, it needed so much work done on it and the building seemed dodgy.” She pushed her takeaway noodles around her plate. The one viewing we had that day of a flat I had picked out, she refused before we even walked into the building, saying it was “too fucking posh Aus”. I sighed quietly. “And I told you, money is no issue, I’ll just buy whatever you want outright-““Austin!” her fork clattered on her plate. “What?” I asked in attempted nonchalance. “You’re not doing that.” I sighed again. “I know.” I said quietly. She sniffed loudly. “Aus?” I met her gaze. “Do we have to move?” She rubbed her bump gently, “I mean, I love my flat and I really don’t care about sharing a bed. Do you?” I tried not to shake my head too quickly. “So this seems like a whole lot of hassle for nothing, don’t you think? I can fit a crib in our bedroom and it’s not like even if we had a nursery the baby would sleep without us for the first couple of months.” I nodded slowly, “Yes! That’s very true. Completely fine by me, let’s just stay here for the time being.”
Whatever God there was must have been shining down on me, she wanted to stay in her flat! I thought she might of wanted to. When we went to bed that night, Lottie fell asleep before me while I was scrolling through some emails on my phone. She sighed deeply in her sleep, and rolled closer to me. My eyebrows raised slightly. She did this again so she was snuggled into my side. I almost stopped breathing, just looking down at her peaceful face. It felt like my heart was pulling out of my body. We hadn’t even slightly snuggled in bed for months. So if this was my one opportunity for the next few months, I was going to take it. I shuffled carefully to lay down and put a gentle hand in Lottie’s soft brown hair. The feeling that overtook me is difficult to explain, I wanted to enjoy our closeness but it was tainted by her rejection. I took my hand slowly out of her hair and closed my eyes.
~~~
When I woke up the next morning, Lottie was upon my chest, fist clenched around the fabric of my tshirt, deeply asleep. I observed her with a gentle smile and relished the moment for a short while before dragging myself away to the kitchen. There was so many things I wanted to say to her but I had to just let her live. I stumbled out to the kitchen, with the intent of making her a banging breakfast, when she loudly called my name from the bedroom. “Austin!” I must have woke her. My head shot around and she came hurriedly out of the bedroom. “Lottie? What’s wrong?” She dismissed me with her hand. “Oh nothing, nothing’s wrong.” She was slightly breathless. “Are you sure?” I questioned. “Oh I’m sure. But Austin there’s something I want to say-“ her voice trailed off quickly. She came towards me, so we stood face to face and took my arm. I looked down to her. “It’s just about New Year’s.” I felt my cheeks flame. “Yeah- I’m really sorry about th-“ She cut in, “No, no stop being silly. Let me just explain.” She rushed over her words, and I frowned in confusion. “I just- I just wanted to let you know, like, that I didn’t- well I didn’t mean- I didn’t mean to Austin. I didn’t mean it.” She didn’t mean it? Mean to reject me? “And I’ve been meaning to say for ages now but the timings always off or you’re not here off on some work do and you know it was just a bit tricky. And I understand if you don’t still feel the same as you did then but I just-“ My smile grew the whole time. I knew it. I hadn’t been wrong. So why had she swerved me? Oh who gives two, I thought.
Then I kissed her. I was literally shaking. Shaking as I kissed Lottie Green in the living room of her flat while she was months pregnant with our baby. And the best part about it was she kissed me back, and certainly not half-heartedly. When she pulled back, I couldn’t contain my smiling, as I looked her she blushed modestly. I had never felt something so deep with anyone, and I must have been looking at her like she’d hung the moon and stars in the sky, because in my eyes, she really had. All the confusion and frustration, overcome with one rambling speech. I felt like a giddy fucking teenager who had just found out their crush liked them back. I kissed her excitedly again, and when she kissed me back again I think my heart had palpitations. She giggled into the kiss, “Aus.” “Lottie.” She smiled brightly. I picked her up and took her back to the bedroom. Women could have sex while pregnant right?
~~~
That day had to have been one of the best of my life. We went til we couldn’t go anymore and laughed and kissed inbetween. Really like a pair of teenagers. When we finally went back out to the kitchen about midday, absolutely starving, I made carbonara and we ate two tons of pasta. I kissed Lottie as many times as I could while cooking and tried to push the nagging thought of what this now made us. Having a baby together? Living together? But only kissing properly for the first time a few hours ago? Everything was backwards but in that moment, I didn’t want to think about it. I just wanted to care for her and our coming child. “We should throw a gender reveal party.” I said. “I thought we were just waiting til the baby was born.” Lottie replied. “Well ultimately its up to you, but I don’t want to wait any longer to know. Do you?” Lottie laughed and my heart raced. “No I guess I don’t.” I positively beamed. “So it’s a deal? You want to do it?” “Yes I’m up for it, but only if you plan it all. I’m trying to finish up some projects at work before my maternity leave.” “You should just quit.” I said plainly. “Austin!” she scolded. “What? I remember the conversation we had in the café a few months ago. You said your job was boring and you didn’t really like it.” Lottie made a small noise of disagreement, but only that so I continued. “You’re more than five months pregnant, surely you don’t want to be trailing into London everyday on the godforsaken tube, probably getting pushed and pulled about in ways I cant bear to think of, to go to a job you aren’t really passionate about.” Lottie’s silence showed agreement. “Just do it, babe. I’ve got it.” She looked at me intently. “I’ve got everything.” A beat. “Maybe I’ll consider not going back after maternity leave.” She said. I tried to hide my smile in my carbonara. “I said maybe,” she scolded half-heartedly. “Yeah, maybe.” I teased.
(Previous part: https://at.tumblr.com/iloveaustinbutlerlol/the-unmistake-part-nine/85ro8xxu2qgl)
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Spiral Empire - Backstory/Prologue
I wrote a prologue/backstory for my original sci fi ideas a while ago, but it ended up being a little pretentious, and got exactly Zero views (not that I’m blaming anyone). So here is an updated version that, I hope, will be easier to understand. Thanks to my friends at Zelda Universe for letting me bounce ideas off them. (Yes, we talk about more than just Zelda at ZU)
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Sometime in the not so-distant future, with Earth ravaged by climate change (like the entire Amazon rainforest burning down), and a newly discovered earthlike planet in the Alpha Centauri system, humanity decides "screw it" and heads to "New Earth" instead of trying to fix the one we already have (although the latter would be much easier).
I based this idea off the RL 1960s Space Race. Humans have put a lot of time, effort and money into something really complex before, and an incredible achievement, only to do nothing substantial with it. Like, yes, we went to the Moon, but as soon as the Americans said to the Russians "nah nah nah nah nah nah! Weeeee got there fiiiiirst!" they completely lost interest in it. So here we are, 50 years later, with no moon bases, no crewed space missions beyond Earth orbit, and conspiracy nutcases convinced we never went there at all, all because we did something wonderful, followed by pretty much completely ignoring it (in other words, something really stupid).
So, when a new, Earthlike planet is discovered, is it any wonder that it starts off a new Space Race, with nations completing get there first, and leave the old, "used" Earth in the dust? One country with a less-than-stellar human rights record develops human hibernation tech, originally designed to literally warehouse prisoners, and with that technological hurdle overcome, resources are poured into building giant colony ships, designed to let a medium-sized city's worth of colonists sleep their way to a new world, ignoring the ecologically-collapsing world they're leaving behind.
To crew these ships, people are specifically chosen whose neurotype allows them to socialise with just a small group of people, for years on end, without getting bored or going crazy. For once, Autistic people are deemed "useful" and "wanted" for something.
(for the record, I'm autistic myself. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about when I say most neurotypicals have difficulty seeing anything positive about my neurotype, but I digress)
The fleet of colony ships reaches the location of "Planet Nine" on the outskirts of the Solar System, hoping to use its gravity as a slingshot to speed them on their journey (based on actual maneuvers NASA's uncrewed deep space probes use to reach the outer planets). However, it turns out "Planet 9" isn't a planet at all.
It's an unstable wormhole. It sucks in the whole fleet and the ships that weren't destroyed by the singularity are spat out in different parts of the galaxy, and different points in galactic history. Black holes and wormholes are different states of the same cosmic phenomenon, at least in my story. Hey, I got to have some way of going from Point A to Point B, and at least wormholes are theoretically possible according to our current understanding of RL physics, unlike something like warp drive/hyperspace.
I'm trying to follow RL physics as closely as possible in my story. Therefore, there's no aforementioned "magic" FTL travel, no transporters/replicators/holodecks or other silly things like that, no unexplained shields/forcefields/tractor beams and no "magic" artificial gravity. Any artificial "gravity" there is is caused by centrifugal force -- literally spinning part or all of a spaceship or station. Otherwise, people float around in space just like in real life.
My novel takes place about 500 years later (from the point of view of the primary human offshoot -- the Chie)
In the novel's present time, humans are divided into three distinct "space nations": The hyper-capitalist Confederacy of Man, who believe it's their "manifest destiny" to reunite humanity, the Autistic-majority Spiral Empire, who now use the name "Chie" instead of human to describe themselves, distancing themselves from the mistakes old Earth, and the cyborg Machina, who live in a young solar system with no planets, and decided to become partially robotic to conserve their limited resources (and because it's fun). I'll describe them each in detail in a future post.
Two sapient alien races, the apex predator, mostly solitary Dragons from the "lonely" planet Erebus, and the mysterious and technologically-superior, radially-symmetrical Tripods, both of whom are allies of the Spiral Empire, round out my universe.
All exist in an uneasy peace, their civilisations connected by transversible, naturally-occurring wormholes. That is, until a Spiral colony world is hit by a biological weapon designed to rewire the brains of Chie who aren't outright killed by it. Meanwhile, a young university student on the Confederacy's capital planet, Roosevelt, has her "yer a wizard Harry" moment, when it turns out she's actually Chie, and she accidently discovers something about that bio-weapon.
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Statement of Samantha J. Hawkings, 2/27/16. Statement begins:
I have always felt their Eyes. I would be walking around, business as usual, and I could feel their gaze on me. There was always a distinct sensation with this feeling, like daggers glared into my back, but it wasn't painful. I'd hold my head down in public, in fear of Looking back.
Perhaps people stare because I mumble to myself sometimes, or because the clickity-clack of the keyboard in my office is a bit too loud. Maybe it's because my suit is on too tight, or I forgot to brush my hair, or my shoes are untied(I can be forgetful or clumsy at times). Or, and this is the most convincing theory, they enjoy tormenting me.
I don't know. I'm good at paying taxes and fixing computers, but I can't read strangers to save my life.
One morning, I drove over to work. It was a bit foggier than usual, but I managed. I came to work, filed some papers, made a few calls, and it was rather boring. The interesting part is that, when it was time to go home, the fog had returned. It was thicker this time, and I swore I was going to choke on it. I couldn't see a thing, but the sensation...was actually pretty cathartic. I felt like I was just a figment of my own imagination; that I didn't exist, and neither did anyone else. The Eyes were looking at me for most of the day(when weren't they?) but I could feel that their oculars had moved elsewhere. The burden of being observed had been, for once in my life, lifted. I felt free, but oh, so Lonely. I savored every second of that moment.
It took a few minutes to snap out of my daze, and then I drove back to my house. Life continued on, but the longer I was away from the mist, the more I desired it. My life was very busy, and the fog was like a welcome retreat.
Over the days, the fog lessened, except for in that one spot. And each day, I would linger there more and more, soaking it in like medicine. I began to wander there, in front of my work building, in my free time. I would bring my phone and play games or listen to music there. I wouldn't dare do that kind of stuff in public before, but I felt much safer in the fog. It came to a point where, even when I found a better-paying job, I would still visit at least 3 times a day. That spot became my own special hangout. I would keep snacks there, tune my guitar there, act out Shakespearan plays there, and no one would ever notice.
Though I would eventually feel the pangs of Loneliness creep in, it was much more tolerable than being Observed. I would rather die than go back to the life I had before. And soon, I didn't have to go to one specific part of town. The fog would come to me whenever I felt insecure or paranoid. I found that I could wield it, ever so gently, like a weapon. I stopped caring about mortal affairs, even minute things such as eating or sleeping regularly. I had my peace, and my quiet place, and I was happy.
I was 19 then. I'm 30 now, and nothing has changed. I am well aware of my service to the Lonely, and I work for it eagerly. I am a rather new avatar, but a promising one, don't you think?
Statement ends. Fog collects around the paper it was written on, and you feel a slight sense of obsfucation when you are done reading it.
Funny, how often one Fear pushes us little mortals into the waiting arms of another… how many less servants would they all have, without their siblings’ help? I’m tempted to say it’s nearly intentional, at times…
It’s an ecosystem, really. Everything is a delicate balance. Therein lies the inevitable foolishness of most large-scale Rituals, if you ask me.
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Staaaarrrrrfiiiieeelllddd
I played it and sunk like 19+ hours into it so far and it's more Bethesda-styled RPG but in s p a c e .
I found myself very much enjoying the exploration aspect of the game as well as the combat. There's lots to do and lots of quests with lots to earn. Speech and lockpicking have been changed. I like the new speech as it doesn't feel like a skill check and makes you actually need to convince them. Lockpicking requires you to actually use a little part of your brain.
I don't have much thought on the main story as I have yet to finish it, but I found myself liking the side content better than the main stuff like for example I thought I could apply for a regular job but I ended up participating in corporate espionage. I don't know how I got here, but I'm too far deep into it and there's no stopping it. Thankfully, you don't start off as a prisoner in this game so that's a thumbs up. Combat is serviceable and it feels slightly better than Fallout 4.
I'm very surprised how much I enjoyed Starfield's art style. Initially, I thought I would dislike it as most other über serious sci-fi always aim for needlessly overcomplicated aesthetics with too much shit on it, but I found myself finding it oddly cozy. I don't know why, but I wanna live in New Atlantis or in my kitbashed spaceship.
Outpost and shipbuilder is cool but I'm a fucking dumbass as I have no clue on how to build a ship without flight check errors or a working outpost that doesn't look I'm trying to break the world record of the most amount of OSHA violations in one workspace.
I don't like how weirdly restrictive the space navigation is. This might be me as I'm used to No Man's Sky's spaceships. I don't like that you don't have any form of control over your ship and where you want it to go. Your spaceship is basically a glorified fast travel vehicle that goes from planet to planet by playing a cutscene. Dock? Cutscene. Thought you could just undock? Nope, watch this cutscene! Land? Cutscene and you can't move it from it's landing spot. Taking off?? Fuck you, cutscene!
Another thing I don't like is that some essential combat mechanics are locked behind a skill point. Seriously when you enter this game make sure to unlock the jetpack, stealth, and ship targeting on your skills. These things are essential to the game. Why is it locked in the first place?????
Also the lack of ground vehicles is very painful. Please give me a rover so I won't spend an eternity walking on this barren planet. At least there's fast travel in your ship, but PLEASE I NEED A ROVER.
Overall, I like this game and I think it's good despite my issues with it. If you like Fallout 4 and how Bethesda does their RPGs, and/or you genuinely love sci-fi, I'm happy to say that Starfield might be up your alley. But if you hate Bethesda's usual RPGs, you should stay away from this one.
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New Schedule! (august 28 report)
It's 6AM on the 29th, and I've slept through the night for the first time in weeks, so I'm going to take a moment to pat myself on the back here.
Yesterday I implemented the new schedule as planned. It went well, if unremarkably.
REFERENCE 📚
I started reading Spiral Dynamics, bascially because KM Weiland kept bringing it up in relation to archetypes, a topic I'm deeply interested in. I'm not sure I like it yet, and I would like to reserve judgment.
But if I'm honest? It's giving me cultish, pseudo-sciency vibes.
The concepts introduced so far are that:
a) Human nature evolves in a cyclical, yet increasingly complex, well... spiral, as we solve old problems and create new ones in turn. The apparent cyclical nature of history isn't a back and forth between known worldviews, but actually treads new ground with each go 'round. This happens in all leves of existence, from the individual, to the group, to humanity as a whole.
b) Understanding how this happens is Very Important if we are to affect change in the world.
I can't disagree with any of this. I also wish the book would get to the point already, but so far it's spent its first 35 pages out of 300~ (that's 10%!) trying to convince me of its own importance and breakthrough-revolutionary-ness. With no signs of stopping.
WRITING 📝
I decided to start easy and build stuff from my history notes. Did some character study and filled-in some backstory.
Total Words Written: 1999
I'm pretty happy with this for two sprints, but I'm under no illusions. It's going to go down once I'm alone without notes to serve as prompts. But hey, that's what all this research was for in the first place :D
BIOLOGY 🌱
I read the chapter on plant physiology, and it took me all the way to Part 5, Animal Structure and Function.
Learned a ton about how fluids actually move through a plant, why and how it responds to different stimuli, a bit about hormones. I'm surely going to understand all of it better once I start taking notes. I wager I'll be doing that all through this week.
I. COULDN'T. BE. MORE. EXCITED! These are the levels of organization I came here for!
Part 5 is going to take me all the way to page 320/400, and I wonder if, in light of the content I'm getting, I'm going to bother with Part 6. The completionist in me really wants to, but it takes me so long to complete a single chapter of this thing, it would be out of place once it stops being relevant to the novel. Then again, you never know what might end up being relevant. Then again, defining my scope is a problem I've had before. Sigh.
#journal entry#writer#writing#writing process#writing progress#journal#journaling#productive#writeblr
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Ok I had a long dream. I slept all day cuz I got vertigo and the only way to make it stop oftentimes is going back to sleep. Anyway so it started with me and my husband going to visit my childhood bestie and her husband at their house. They had a nice two story and she was driving us. She pointed out a tornado in the distance but it was moving so we were like ummm it's prolly ok but let's get to the house quickly. So we get there and we're hanging out in the couch talking when the tornado starts getting close and we shuffle downstairs. At first me and her husband hide in a weird little corner bathroom and we're trying to convince my husband and her to come to us but my husband was too scared and my old bestie (gonna call her Autumn for the sake of brevity) wanted to stay out with her dog in her arms.
So the tornado hits and we get flung into like different places. Autumn and I got thrown into the same place. It was like an alternate world where her parents were rich dickheads who lived in some weird fancy house that was in a strip mall?? Like a nice one, if anyones been in a rich suburb think their strip malls. It was like we my brain needs a quick way to change plots. So I was staying over and she and her mom had this weird hair thing? So the best way to describe it is like these earrings I own that are pretty long and dangly with sharp pendulum-like ends. But that was the strands of their hair? And the mom kept complaining about it and ig autumn and I shared a bed and cuddled and I kept accidentally poking them into her skin. When I asked the mom about the hair she was super vague about where they came from, getting a thousand yard stare. Then me and autumn went to the window to see some guy being mean to a dog. We called the cops and went down to watch when the cops caught him and then the two of us flew out of there. Cuz if human flight was possible. We flew around some mountains and an ice world like in a video game that would build itself if you stood on top of some incomplete spots. We got caught up in a story about this lady doing good stuff around town, like she was apparently there chasing down the dog abuser guy. And then the dog abuser guy came back and argued with her on the street. Something something I accidentally scratched autumns mom's car like a teeny tiny scratch but she got pissed off and I threw down my purse and was like "do something to my Kate Spade (which I don't actually own and also that purse was in NO WAY a Kate Spade design-wise) to make up for it" and she shot it with a lampoon??? And really honestly missed she just got the tip of the lampoon in the zipper. But whatever she was like " I can't just destroy anything cuz comparing that purse with my care is implying we're an Old Navy family!! " And I was like " no no I wasn't saying that at all"
Fuckin rich people I'm glad I don't live near them anymore so anyway
I don't remember much now since I woke up but we flew around watching that main character lady, autumns parents were being rich dickheads, and then I broke off to see what would happen next. I went up a spoiler mountain only to find the main character lady was actually evil the whole time, pretending to be good to fool her new found friends a d would throw them off the cliffs and I was like this ending sucks I'm fuckin leaving. Then I flew to that ice world. Cuz I really hated that I remember thinking to myself "stupid Hollywood and having to have these stupid fucking twists that don't make any sense"
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This is the final part, I swear. Here I’ll talk about my favorite bit of the game and what wound up the most disappointing. Changes or lackthereof is one thing, but squandered potential, which is what all these posts ultimately aim to point out, feels the worst.
I wisely decided to shelf the main quest once Purah told me to check out Hyrule Castle (again, this was after finding Zelda and the Master Sword). I poked at the depths and the most interesting looking parts of the Sky Islands, including the thundercloud section. I was confounded with how to progress through that area, briefly convinced it was meant to be the hardest part of the game but then shortly after realizing I must’ve skipped a step somewhere. Nonetheless I pressed on through the near-zero visibility, basing my progression path on following the storm’s inward curve (I started at the very furthest edge). Extremely glad I did it this way, as I really enjoyed pushing through, that old feeling of being somewhere I knew I shouldn’t be really made reaching Dragonhead Island a satisfying win and my favorite gameplay-related venture. Sucks that it lead to my least favorite “dungeon” filled with fuse mechanic bs. And then I later found out this was a main quest destination that involved a lengthy detour I’m *extremely* glad I skipped over in Kakariko.
The funny thing is, I almost didn’t do Thunderhead. I forced myself to check it out, to give the Sky Isles at least one quick pass. To comb through the depths at all after that initial peak in the first 15 hours that led to finding auto-build. And so, let me end off on my last issue of the game and probably the most damming one of all: Re-using the overworld.
It wasn’t the fact it was still there to venture around in. It was the fact the lion’s share of the content was also still there. Unsure how many share my sentiment, but with a new game I’d very much like to explore new areas, unless the changes to the overworld were drastic enough - and they weren’t. There was a bunch of new rocks to ascend through in the hilltops. Hateno had some weird..mushroom thing going on (enjoyed the swarms of frogs implying Zelda’s choice to live there sidenote). Sometimes, Zonai and Bokoblins would fight each other, and that’s about it. Meanwhile: every cave’s found on the surface. Every well. Every civilian. Every Main Quest starts here. Most Shrines/koroks, too (with only a handful of each found in the Sky Isles)
The most critical rewards were all still on the damn overworld!! The ones most crucial to player progression!!!! Why not put koroks in the depths? Why not Shrines? Couldn’t have a mix of them and lightroots for some “logical” reason? Little of the game is logical when you have lasers and rockets and Yiga riding around on scooters. Making all the major finds of the depths focused on auto-build and zonai materials was a big mistake. How is the giant hollow underground not a place to find caves in? How do none of the chasms themselves lead to a cave? How did they manage double Hyrule’s size and not think to put a settlement or two down there?????
I wanted to check out the depths and sky isles far earlier, but I needed my stamina, I needed some bulk, and I absolutely needed some inventory slot upgrades. By the time I did all that via heavily repeated/low effort content around the overworld - I was ready to put the game down, and I’d only done the Rito quest by that point.
In my ideal game, the one Nintendo never would’ve made, you’d of started in the depths, with a tutorial section and slow progression until you main quest’d enough to be allowed access to the surface, which would’ve had actual, meaningful time to become more ruined from Ganondorf’s influence. It wouldn’t have been a far stretch to imagine the various races flee underground. Then you could more easily slip in more unique, menacing enemies up top while keeping all the old favorites underground. The natural, wall-like barriers of the underground would’ve easily kept players funneled while still giving them a ton of wiggle room for how they approached the different regions and what order to do so.
As for the Sky Isles, they were similarly disappointing when I realized most of what I was seeing was a handful of sky dives i did within 2-3 tries (that is, getting the new record times) and the same layouts of islands that led to good old Nothing Shrines. It probably wasn’t feasible, but I wonder if they could’ve had even larger chunk of Hyrule detach and float up into the sky, as a clearcut way of hiding away more difficult content (shrines, mini-bosses, etc.)
Given Link’s new sky-friendly momentum via Ubisoft Towers and Tulin’s gust (which while not as great as Revali’s I still concede was pretty useful), you’d think they’d be careful with how to design certain challenges. And yet, all too often I’d find myself getting to shrines and other locations via paraglider that I was meant to struggle to reach on the ground via a combat gauntlet, an environmental puzzle, or a maze of sorts.
The scope-creep of the world definitely outpaced anything the devs were capable of, and I’m wondering why they overreached so much when they didn’t have enough enemy variety, suitable rewards, or unique structures/layouts to apply to them.
110 hours spent on Bloat of the Wild 2, Tedious of the Kingdom. If there winds up a third game for this saga, I won’t be getting it.
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