eternity

Beginner’s Luck

Part Twelve of the Rough Day Series

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 14.6K

Warnings: 👀👀👀 SMUT.  Oral sex (male receiving), cockwarming, sexual acts in public, the use of blasters and other canon-typical weaponry

A/N: Twas the night before Mando season 2, and all through the house—NO IM JUST KIDDING SDKSFKSVS anyways I am so sorry for not being here for basically all of last month but I could not miss this incredibly momentous occasion for anything. Merry season 2 my lovely baby yoditos

***

“Well,” a modulated voice gruffs expectantly from behind you, clearly tired of waiting.  “Turn around, let me see.”

“No.  I look ridiculous,” you sulk from the corner of the hull, refusing to do as he says.  You thought this was stupid from the very beginning and openly told him so, but you’re also a complete pushover for him with just enough backbone to be frustrated when you inevitably give in.  “And don’t you ‘sweet girl’ me, it’s not gonna work this time.”

“Sweet girl,” Din’s deep voice lulls through the helmet, raspy and soft.

Fucking fine, if he’s gonna twist your arm about it.  You spin around with a deep frown and a chrome visor stares back at you as you waddle forwards, and you don’t even need to look at the kid cradled in his forearm to know he’s smiling toothily as you clunk and rattle.  Once you’re standing directly in front of them both, you blow the stray hair out of your eyes and plant your hands on your hips, just waiting for the inevitable response.

Only, you don’t get practically any response at all from him.  He stays perfectly still and says absolutely nothing, and though the baby’s mouth falls open with happiness and he reaches for you, he doesn’t make a sound either.

“I told you,” you grumble after a few moments of pained silence.  “I look ridiculous.”

Still, nothing.  You purse your lips, shifting from side to side uncomfortably, and eventually your suspicion grows and festers until it finally bursts forth.  Oh for the love of Maker—

“I know you’re laughing under there,” you accuse with a growl.  He doesn’t move a single muscle but you don’t buy it, not for a single fucking second.

Then suddenly the helmet glances away from you and stares purposefully at the wall of the hull as the kid starts giggling, and you knew it.  You fucking knew he was laughing.

“You look great,” comes tightly through the modulator after a moment, and you pull your lip up into a snarl, vindicated in your findings but not happy about it.

“Is that how this is supposed to protect me?”  You wave your arms, hearing them squeak and clank like you’re a droid that hasn’t been maintenanced in centuries.  The rough metal jerks up and smacks your chin with the shoulder movement and you grimace.  “Make the bad guys laugh themselves to death?”

“It's bad,” Din finally turns back to you and admits with zero shame, and your cheeks burn at how stupid you must look right now.  “Way too big.”

“Too big?”  You blink at him.  “That’s your criticism?”

When he presented it to you, your first impression was some sort of brown paint—but no.  It’s fucking… rust.  It’s damaged and scraped up and it looks like it’s been through the ringer and back, and not in a way that gives it character.  There’s almost a literal hole in the fucking chestpiece and it’s dented so much that it actually creates more than enough space for your breasts, what the fuck happened—?

“You’re telling me you went from this—”  You ask pointedly, knocking your knuckles against the ill-fitting piece of metal and feeling it wobble against your chest, “—to that—” you tap the pristine, gleaming armor strapped to his body that easily costs more than probably quadruple your entire life, “—without any go-betweens?  It’s missing one of the shoulders, Din.”

He ignores you, flipping the chestpiece over your head with his free hand and letting the metallic clatter of it meeting the floor behind you ring out through the hull.  “I’d hoped at least something would fit,” comes his filtered sigh.  “This planet isn’t nice.”

That sobers you up a bit, and you feel your heart thump painfully.  “Are we on Corellia?”  You ask without thinking.

“No,” he tells you immediately, quelling your panic while pulling off your one singular pauldron.  “Tatooine.”

You’ve never heard of it, but from the grave undertone of his voice, you know the drill.  Different setting, same kind of people.  Smugglers, rogues, criminals—the type he’s used to being around and knows exactly what to expect out of them.  You always feel safe when he’s with you, but when he leaves?

“Oh,” you say, because you don’t really have anything else.  It’s quiet for a little bit, but then he continues on before you can come up with something to fill the sudden uncertainty on your end.

“I know someone here,” Din murmurs, bending his knees and sinking down to start undoing and pulling the shoddy thigh braces off your legs.  “Someone… nice.  It’ll be safe as long as nobody sees me leaving or coming back, and the kid would be happy to see her.”

Your eyebrows pull inwards, something… unfamiliar settling inside you.  Din doesn’t have friends, he’s made it clear that he doesn’t really like anyone that he knows well enough to introduce you to.  Even when he’s lowered himself in front of you and is technically undressing you, you feel a spark of… no, not jealousy, that’s crazy.  But for real, who is he talking about?

“Why can’t me and the baby just lay low somewhere remote like normal?”  You ask instead, but he shakes his head.

“No such thing,” he grunts, pulling off the other thigh brace.  “Tuskans or Jawas will find you even in the middle of the Dune Sea.”

“I like Jawas,” you blurt, having had many positive experiences trading with the little creatures on Arvala-7, but his helmet immediately tilts up to pin you in place and you shut up, feeling the tangible unamusement radiating from the thin blade of the visor even when the kid starts giggling again.  “I mean I… don’t like Jawas?”

Din sighs and rises back up to his full height, finally handing the baby over to you now that you’re not weighed down by that ridiculous getup anymore.  “You can either stay with her while I get the quarry or run the risk of pirates finding you drifting above the atmosphere,” he reasons bluntly, not mincing words.  “But it’s not a good idea to be stuck on the surface without protection, someone will find you.”

You bite your lip, hugging the kid closer to your chest for a second.  “Okay, that’s fine,” you murmur quietly after a moment.  “We can stay with your… friend.”  

You clear your throat and move to let him pass by to get to the cockpit, except Din doesn’t take a single step.  You blink up at him and after what feels like an eternity of no response, the helmet slowly tilts sideways at you and… oops.

Was that not subtle?  You didn’t know what to call her, genuinely, that’s why you hesitated.  You didn’t want to use the word acquaintance, it felt too detached for the fact that he said the kid would be happy to see her again.  That’s what’s called a friend, right?  

Maker, why are you being so weird about this?

Thankfully, you end up getting away with it.  After a few painful seconds of looking at every single thing in the hull besides him and humming a song you make up on the spot, Din slowly walks past and disappears up into the cockpit.  You take a deep breath and gently rub the baby’s ears between your fingers as the Crest powers up with a ferocious rumble beneath your feet.

***

It’s bright.  Fuck, it’s so bright here.  You hold the kid to your chest with one hand and shield your eyes with the other as the ramp slowly descends, dust immediately kicking up around it.  Din’s palm is resting against your lower back and his thumb gently brushes back and forth, but your heart decides to drop the very moment his hand does, and as soon as the ramp clanks against the landing platform, he’s striding down into the blazing hot desert sun without you.

Something in your chest squeezes and whispers to you that he probably doesn’t want to touch you when he’s about to see an old friend again, so you wait a few seconds of space before descending down the ramp behind him, not really knowing how you feel right now.  But you’ve barely taken a single step to follow when a woman’s voice screeches out from across a vast distance.  “Oh no, no no no—don’t you even think about it!”

Din slows to a halt at the end of the ramp and gives whoever it is a small nod, nothing beyond it, and if you weren’t purposefully looking at him for cues right now, you’d probably miss the greeting entirely.  You stand on your tippy-toes from behind his cape as a fiery little middle-aged lady in a mechanic’s jumpsuit marches up to him with an attitude that more than makes up for the height difference.

“You’re not allowed here anymore,” she pokes his chestplate brazenly with one hand and props the other on her hip, clearly not excited to see him.  “Not after the ruckus you caused last time, no sir, not on my watch.”

“That won’t happen again,” he gruffs shortly, not providing a single thing beyond it, and you blink.  What… what happened last time?

“It sure won’t!”  The strange woman agrees shrilly, crossing her arms and widening her eyes until she looks a bit like she’s been out in the suns too long.  “I’m still recovering, Mando!”

“I compensated you,” he reminds her, a quiet edge of frustration beginning to creep into his voice.

She suddenly narrows her expression at him, going from manic desert lady to sharp and discerning skeptic within a split second.  “How much do you think my life is worth?”

Din takes forever to respond, seeming to either be choosing his words very carefully or grinding his teeth under the beskar in frustration.  Probably both.  “I brought my ki—”

“You bring trouble!”  She bursts out, stomping her foot on the dusty landing platform and holding her ground.  “I don’t care how cute your little one is, go park your ship on some other poor soul’s hangar bay!”

He doesn’t say anything back, staying completely silent while you stand there awkwardly and wait for his response, and it’s almost like you… forgot.  How quiet Din can be, how unnervingly little he can choose to offer to conversations until he deems the information absolutely necessary to provide.  He allows you to forget that reserved nature of his.  He talks to you.  He never used to at the beginning, but somewhere along the way it just became increasingly common to hear his voice, both with a high-pass filter and blissfully without.  Now though, there’s just too long of a weirdly tense pause in the reunion for you to handle without doing something about it.

So you step out from behind him with the child in your arms, giving her an apologetic smile with as much friendliness as you can possibly put into an expression.

“Hello,” you greet her gently, musically, lifting the baby’s hand to give her a companionable three-fingered wave from the both of you while he coos.  “I promise I’m not trouble, but he did bring me along this time.”

Din and the woman simultaneously turn to look at you; her like you’re just as strange and jarring of a sight to see on this planet as the tiny unnamed boy in your arms and him like your voice by itself is enough to loosen his shoulders.  Though neither one of them ultimately respond to you, you can tell by the way his fists unclench that you’ve at least helped him relax, even if the frizzy-haired lazy otherwise ignores your introduction entirely.

“Now just what in Maker’s name are you doing with a poor little stowaway like that?”  She faces him and pokes his armor again.  “You runnin’ a charity out of that battered piece of junk you call a ship?”

“Three hundred credits to let them stay with you for a week,” he turns back to tell her, cutting directly to the chase.  Alright, so you don’t really understand their relationship at all at this point.  He said she was nice?  And yet he’s already bribing her that handsomely?

“Five hundred,” she immediately shoots back, and your heart sinks.  Fuck, there’s no way.  There’s no way he would spend that much, you’re going to have to find somewhere else to stay.

But… he doesn’t respond.  Which you now remember with a jolt of surprise, means confirmation.  Not wasting words agreeing, he’d say something back to her if he had an issue.  Maker, five hundred credits.  You’re starting to wonder if he’s really able to make any money at all doing this, or if the job is just… fitting for him, so he continues to do it.  He’s spending more and more credits on you every single time you turn around, and while you don’t feel great about it, you know Din well enough to know he’s stable and independent enough to make the decisions he wants to make.

So you just stand there and hold the baby to your chest, unsure of your place, while Din eventually turns around to face you.

Sometimes, if you’re being honest, you almost find yourself wanting to… do soft things with him that you know you shouldn’t while other people are around.  Granted, he’s never told you not to, but the last thing you want to do is undermine his reputation by unintentionally revealing his gentler side.  You want to give him a hug and maybe hand him the baby to say goodbye, but you don’t know if that’s how he wants to present himself to company right now.  Unfortunately, that ends up translating into you just looking at him and awkwardly waiting to see what he does.  Your feelings won’t be hurt if he just takes off without another word now that you know that that’s his intent—you promise, they weren’t hurt the first fifty or so times he’s done it.  You understand him, it’s alright, he doesn’t need to—

But then he leans in and lowers his voice until only you can hear it.

“I’ll be back soon,” he tells you, and you feel warmth creep into your chest.

You understand him.  Which is why you feel like you could almost burst with how much he didn’t have to say that but chose to do so anyway.  You already have a solid time frame—a week—which is more information than you usually get, and it’s such a small thing.  It’s insane; if you made a list, you’d have 1) talking to you, 2) knowing his first name, and 3) seeing a glimpse of his forehead as your top reasons why he might care just as much about you as you care for him.  That’s insane.

He takes a second to reach a glove out and rub the baby’s ear as he makes his adorable little baby noises up at him, before the helmet tilts back up just slightly to look at you.  

“Be safe,” he waits for you to whisper back.

And you think now is finally the time to go, right?  Except he waits just a few precious seconds more, just holding there, silently.  Maker, you don’t want to miss him, why is he doing this to you?  You’re trying to play it cool, see-you-later’s have been commonplace between you for nearing a full year now, so why does it feel like now is the first time he truly doesn’t want to go?

You hold the kid with one hand and start to reach for him the split second he turns to walk away, and you quickly drop it as the dry wind snaps through his cape.  He leaves and doesn’t look back.

Still, you watch him disappear, until eventually you’re reminded of your host’s presence with the tap of a wrench against your shoulder.

“Hope you know your way around a hyperdrive,” the woman says with a smirk.  Maker, Din didn’t even give you her name, you’re going to have to ask.  “Gotta repair at least two of ‘em by sundown.”

You catch the hefty tool with your free hand and turn to her.  “Pre-Imperial or post?  Never done a restoration, but I’m a quick learner.”

She blinks at you like that was probably the last thing she expected you to say, but you give her the same friendly smile from before and look towards the entrance of the hangar for the ships needing maintenance.

***

So Peli is… a character.

She’s quick and entertaining and whip-smart, but you worry that if she had a whip, she might actually use it.  She’s nice—she is, but she damn near works you to the bone once you prove yourself capable.  You don’t think she expected the extent of your practical knowledge of mechanics, she went into it assuming you were going to be useless and did a hard U-turn that very first night.  You both worked together to fix two malfunctioning hyperdrives by sundown, just like she told you she needed, but then she looked vaguely surprised and nobody showed to pick up until two days later.

The second day is more hectic, and the third day is worse.  You cradle the kid on your hip while you work one-handed, smudged grease all over your forehead and sweat sticking your hair to your neck.  Using Peli’s sonic shower never leaves you feeling clean no matter how many times a day you find yourself wanting to wash the dust and grime from your body, the same way yours used to back on Arvala-7, and you immediately get why her dark hair seems so frizzy and dry whenever you step out of the stall and catch sight of the similar rat’s nest on your head in the small mirror.  Hypersonic waves dry it out more than the blazing hot suns on this planet—you look the same exact way you’ve looked for decades and while you don’t mind hard work, you can’t stand the complete lack of water on this forsaken rock.

Din was right, though.  She is nice, but in a way that she never wants anybody else to find out about.  She cooks you food every night but expects you to clean the whole kitchen after, she lets you have free reign over the caf maker as long as you remember to make enough for her, and she allows you and the kid to pass out on the beat-up sofa in one of the secluded back rooms for the time being.  On more than one occasion, when she assigns you chores that require two hands and a steady focus to complete, you overhear her babytalk behind the control panel as she bounces the kid in one arm and plays with his ears.  It fills your chest with a quiet, subtle kind of warmth, and you understand why Din trusts her with him.

At least you stay busy—which, understatement.  She works you so hard that eventually she starts handing you tasks that don’t really seem… pressing.  Replacing the spherical joints on her three pit droids, hand-scrubbing the grime off the pots and pans she uses to cook the same two meals everyday, polishing the dusty windows overlooking the landing platform even though they’re caked over with dirt not even an hour later.  You realize soon enough that she doesn’t have nearly the workload here as she claims, periodically catching her playing cards with the droids while you’re busting your ass doing chores once all the real work has clearly been accomplished, but you’re not upset.  You like being busy, it’s how you’ve lived most of your life.  However, at some point, you actually end up running out of things to do.  After that, it’s like she has to actively look for tasks she still needs completed.

One morning you find her in the parked Crest, ripping open the guidance systems paneling and talking to herself.  You sip your caf and watch silently from the landing bay, hair pulled up in a messy bun and the baby on your hip as the suns rise on your shoulders and she mutters, whole sheets of metal being tossed out from the insides of the Razor Crest.

You've also learned she responds incredibly well to the prospect of credits, so you don’t spend too much time wondering what her goal is—find something in the ship for you to fix and then charge Mando extra for the materials whenever he comes back.

Hilarious though, as if there’s anything in your ship that actually needs fixing.

You spin around with a sigh and walk back into the hangar, knowing today will probably be the first slow day in awhile.

***

A few hours later, you’re invited to play a game of Sabacc for the first time in your life.

There are so many rules—so many suits and names to keep track of, so many values to memorize, only to be forced to choose one card after every round to keep just in case the rest of them happen to shuffle at random, which occurs at least once or twice every game.  There’s too much luck involved to figure out any sort of strategy; you feel like sometimes you’re hopelessly lost and end up winning anyways or you wager nearly your entire stack of bolts on a perfect hand and then you lose the entire thing regardless.

It’s an unpredictable nightmare.  But it’s something to do, and you’ve learned that playing just as stupidly as you bet allows you to easily stay in the game.  The baby sits in your lap and plays with one of your rusty metal gambling pieces while your leg bounces, and Peli grumbles under her breath once it appears you get ahead of her in winnings.

“Beginner’s luck,” she tells her favorite pit droid quietly, who focuses its singular eye at you in a way that somehow feels unfriendly and nods on a brand new swivel, courtesy of yours truly.

You don’t argue, because there’s no point.  The whole fucking thing is luck, but there’s no point.  You know enough about this game to know that you might give something away if you speak, so you keep your mouth shut and let her fill the void.  You know how to stay silent, you’ve learned from the best.  Wordlessly drawing a card from the deck and tucking it in between two others of the same value, you decide to trade one of your other cards at complete random and hope it all just works out.

“Ship looks like it’s brand spankin’ new on the inside,” Peli mutters into her mug out of nowhere, and you pause for a moment, before silently nodding at the offhanded comment and trying not to show how pleased you are by it.  “Was falling apart the last time I saw it.”

You keep bouncing the kid on your knee and fan out the cards in front of you, hoping his big black eyes aren’t reflective enough to reveal your hand.  “I have a lot of free time.”

“I can tell,” she acknowledges, crossing her legs and leaning back into her chair.  Peli sets the mug down and sighs.  “You’re a good mechanic.  I’d offer you a job here, but something tells me you wouldn’t even consider it.”

Now, you do smile.  But it’s a hidden one.  A fond one.  One you find impossible to fight when you’re reminded of him.  You miss him and ache for him and all those collectively angsty things, yes—but mostly you’re just… able to find a bone-deep solace in even thinking about him.  Your heart tightens, but it’s far less constricting than it is a comfort, a firm embrace.  It surrounds you in its safety; Din’s mere existence is your protection, wrapping around you the same way the beskar protects him.  Nothing can touch you.  You’re safe, from all the things you used to fear and all the new things you’ve learned to fear.

No, you’d never consider it.  This planet is too much like Arvala-7, just slightly more populated and dangerous.  You love the baby.  You love him.  You’d never consider it.

“Don’t you get bored?”  She asks you with a raised eyebrow, and your smile admittedly drops the slightest bit.  “Just waiting around for him to come back?”

You don’t have to think about your answer.  Of course you do.  If you’re being honest, it does feel a bit like your life is split between worlds—one with him, and one without.  Whenever he’s not here, you’re thinking about how much you want him to come back, and whenever he is here, you’re thinking about how much you don’t want him to go.  You’ve never experienced anything like that before.  There were a few local farmers scattered far across the arid landscape of the place you used to call home, and three of your neighbors all had kids around your age.  So you experimented when you were younger, since you never had much else to do in your spare time, but you never loved any of them.  You’d always go back home and continue to do chores, continue to look up at the sky and wonder what you were missing.

“Yes,” you admit quietly.

But what you don’t tell her is that in exchange, you get to see the galaxy.  You get to have experiences you’ve only dreamed about, take care of the cutest little baby you’ve ever seen and become part of a family.  You don’t know of anything you could want more.  Adventure, companionship, pleasure, and fulfillment.  Sure, you get restless, and sure, you don’t necessarily feel good about the fact that Din seems to be your driving force even when he’s away, but you know independence.  You know what it means to live for yourself.  You’ve done it long enough that you’ll never forget how to, you’ve experienced it more than enough to know you’re happy about throwing yourself off the cliff and falling into something different.  As much as it’s new and terrifying, it’s better.  Now you have other people to live for, too.  

You marvel at the change—not just from a year ago, but from a handful of months ago.  He used to terrify you.  You used to keep your mouth purposefully shut around him because you were scared of overstaying your welcome and being dropped off somewhere equally as remote as the place you grew up.  Never could you have imagined that the fiercest guardian the galaxy has ever seen would decide you’re also worth protecting.

No, you figure, you just need to… find something in addition.  Something else to also commit to, give yourself something to do.  You can practice the new self-defense maneuvers he taught you, that’s a good idea.  But maybe you can also…

You eventually decide to prompt Peli in a change in conversation.  “Hey, can I ask you something?”

“What do you want now?”  She takes another sip of her caf as if you’ve been bothering her about this all day long, and… well, it’s times like these that you wish you had a helmet, too, if only so you could roll your eyes.

“I’ve got a few pieces of rusted metal in the Crest,” you eventually tell her, careful with your phrasing and not sure how much you want to reveal.  “They’re in bad shape, but I want to keep them.  Could I use some of your tools here to hammer out some of the dents, dissolve whatever crud is on the surface?  I saw you have a forge back there that’s barely been used, just need the metal hot enough to be pliable without sacrificing its integrity.”

She furrows her eyebrows at you.  “But I still need your help with…”

You wait, but she’s got nothing and you both know it.  Still, you keep a pointed silence and wait for it, wondering if this’ll actually work.  This is what Din does, right?  Just refuse to say anything and make the other person crumble under the crushing quiet?  Miraculously, it proves to be successful—you watch her flounder for a response, her will wavering the longer you sit there and stare expectantly at her.

“Fine,” Peli finally acquiesces, and you grin.  “But only if you win this round.  What d’you got?”

You set down your cards to reveal your hand.  A perfect twenty-three if you’ve been counting right, unbeatable unless she or any of the droids managed to get the same, and you know it didn’t happen as soon as she takes a few seconds for mental math and then scoffs.

“Beginner’s luck,” you tell her kindly, pushing all your winnings back over to her side of the table with one hand and scooping the kid up with the other, before turning around and heading towards the Crest in search of Din’s old armor.

***

It’s late afternoon on day five and you’re on your back on a creeper seat, sweat dripping down your neck as you reach up to fiddle with the engine of a T-16, a Skyhopper similar to one you built yourself on Arvala-7.  They're not space-faring vehicles, they’re only capable of reaching the upper troposphere, but owning one allowed you to develop solid flight skills without ever truly being able to leave.  Honestly, you don’t think you’ve ever despised a ship more.

You know you’ve got engine grease all over and you feel like you’re boiling in your own sweat, but you’re almost done.  After this, you’ll be able to go back to working on your side project.

As soon as you’d been granted Peli’s direct permission to do so, you mixed the chemicals necessary to eat away at everything besides the basic structure underneath, and then spent all day yesterday manipulating the metal to better fit someone your size and shape.  You slaved over the wickedly hot forge and developed a whole new muscle in your arm from hammering and reheating, hammering and reheating.  You had to repair the way the chestpiece was tapered into a concave point by folding the thin metal back in on itself multiple times, strengthening it without flattening it back into its original shape too much, and then you ended up melting down some of the extra material from the needlessly large shoulder and thigh pieces to fill in the gaps.

Granted, you still have a ways to go on replacing the crushed magnetics box that was falling off the chestpiece and filing down the rough scrapes and sharp edges, but you’re now left with almost a full set of armor that’s a uniform dull silver in color and molds way better to your general figure than before.  You’re not a blacksmith or armorer by any stretch of the imagination, but you’re good with your hands and did what you could in the time allotted.  It looks better than you ever thought it would, and without access to Peli’s enormous collection of tools and machinery, you know it would’ve been better off in the trash.

Still, you have to finish this engine first before you can rip apart the control unit wiring on the armor to see how the whole set fits together and what else needs to be repaired.  You’ve been working on it for a few hours before you hear the door to the hangar open.  Yet, when you don’t immediately hear Peli’s voice calling out to you, or anyone else’s voice for that matter, your heart thuds in your chest with sudden excitement.

“You’re back early,” you tell the engine suspended over your head, knowing he must’ve already thrown the quarry into the Crest parked outside before coming to see you.  Right on time, footsteps approach and then a boot carefully catches the flat platform between your legs, slowly rolling your seat out from under the ship until the rest of the sunlit hangar is revealed to you.

You know you must look a hot mess right now.  Your hair is a disaster and there’s not a clean spot to be found on your body—sweat glistens and pools along every curve you have and you’re probably drenching the spare jumpsuit Peli let you borrow, but Maker, there he is.  Every time you see him is like the first time all over again, except this time the Mandalorian is looming like a giant over you, the helmet tilted down and silently taking you in.

Instead of settling you, his daunting presence gets you hotter than dual suns in the sky ever could.  Fuck, he hasn’t said a word to greet you, and yet you’re already wondering if you can entice him to shove you back under here and join you.

You slowly push yourself upright and he steps back just enough to allow it, but not an inch more than that.  You have to crane your neck up to keep looking at him, and he stands close enough over you that you wouldn’t have to reach far at all if you wanted to touch him.

And it’s crazy to think that… you absolutely could touch him, if you wanted.  He radiates danger, he hunts and tracks for his continued survival, he’s probably got fresh blood staining the dark fabric of his cape and he’s so fucking intimidating—and if you wanted to, you could touch him.  

Maybe you can partially blame your sore muscles as to why you immediately drop your head back down, but mostly you just want to stare at a part of his body that happens to align perfectly at eye level.  And fuck, nothing stops you from looking.  He doesn’t help you up, but he also doesn’t move so you can haul yourself to your feet, either.  He just holds perfectly still with his body standing tall over yours, content to stay exactly like this while your hand slowly reaches out to wrap around one of his ankles.

He’s so warm, his muscles flex strong under your palm as you let it drift upwards, biting your lip as you flick your gaze back up to the chrome visor and then down again to the apex of his thighs.  Your other hand comes up to scale the beskar strapped to his leg and you roll yourself forward slightly, wondering if he’d let you…

The black fabric stretching over his crotch just barely touches your fingertips before his hand is suddenly whipping out and grabbing hold of your wrist.

You gasp and jerk your head up to look at him, somehow equally hoping that you’re both in trouble and not in it at the same time.  Din’s abruptly chest raises with a large, labored inhale, as if he wasn’t breathing at all that entire time, as if he just now remembered the setting, the fact that he’s not alone on the Crest with you right now.  Peli and the kid have to be somewhere in the hangar, you know that, but…

“We’re leaving tonight,” he breathes out through the modulator, and you have absolutely no fucking problem with that at all.  “But… shit, but…”

“But…?”  You prompt, wanting nothing more than to let your hands reach back up to his pants again, but you settle for slowly dragging one palm up his forearm as his grip on your wrist tightens.

“Fuck, I wanted to take you somewhere first,” he groans like your feather-soft touch is actually hurting him, his hands suddenly dropping yours and pushing you away to clench into fists at his sides.  “Maker—why do you always f-fucking do this to me…”

You raise an eyebrow at him this time, the curiosity starting to mix with the heat simmering down low, the kind that you'd feel even on a frozen wasteland of a planet as long as you were with him.  All at once, you decide to channel him and his trademarked silence, enthralled by the incredibly slim chance that it will work equally as well on its creator.

“…Distract me,” he finally growls out an answer to the question you never asked him, sounding frustrated with you for reasons you still haven’t figured out, and your mouth is drier than the desert outside.  Oh stars, you feel… fucking powerful.  “From everything,” he goes on, talking honestly and openly, more words given to you in thirty seconds than he’s probably offered to anyone all week long.  “Fuck, I feel like I can barely do fucking anything anymore, I’m losing my fucking mind.”

Your heart slams in your chest, wondering if he possibly feels the exact same way about you as you feel about him.  Missing you whenever he’s gone, dreading the moment he needs to leave again whenever he’s with you.  The thought alone is enough to set off fireworks through your veins, pumping hope and excitement from your fingers to your toes.

“I’m sorry,” you breathe out, biting your lip in a way that doesn’t look or feel sorry at all.

“No, you’re not,” Din grunts, before reaching out and hauling you to your feet, and even if there wasn’t a flat seat under you with wheels, it’d still be awkward and uncoordinated as fuck.  “Shit.  I… I need to clean up.  Grab your things, go tell…”

Din trails off after a second, suddenly sounding at a complete loss.  You catch your footing and stare at him as he falters.  “Uh.  Go tell…”  He gestures with a sense of finality to the control room, as if he’s actually successfully communicating with you by doing so.  “Her.  That we’re leaving tonight.”

“What?”  You ask him, thoroughly fucking confused.  “What are you saying right now?”

“The woman,” he clarifies, clearing his throat.  “The mechanic, with the… droids.  Tell her I’ll pay her before we leave, but we’re g—”

“Peli?”  You blurt, completely flabbergasted at this point.  “Did you forget her name, Mando?”

“I…” he shakes his head slightly at you, like you should already know him better than that.  “Never asked.”

“But you—?”  You blink at him.  “But you said she was your friend?”

“You said she was my friend,” he immediately points out, with—oh Maker, just biting accuracy.  It wasn’t necessarily a jab or anything, but you still feel dizzy with how fucking spot on he is about it.  Yikes, you absolutely did say that.  You forgot.

“Oh…” you mumble, at a stunning loss for a response.  “Ha.  Oh.  Yeah, huh.”

There’s too many beats of awkward silence after that, probably because he’s just so blown away by your way with words that he’s just attempting to analyze the wisdom.  Stars, you’re making a complete fool of yourself in front of him, aren’t you?

“Were you jealous?”  He suddenly asks, and you jerk upright, your heart kicking up to a gallop in your chest at the question.

“I’ll go tell Peli we’re leaving soon,” you quickly agree and go to scurry away in abrupt panic, but he catches your wrist and hauls you back before you can get far.  You run into him with a gasp and immediately start to repeat your explanation for why you very suddenly need to depart, but the tips of Din’s fingers catch your chin and force you to look up at him.

“Hey,” he cuts your rambling short with a hushed murmur and the pad of his thumb brushes down your jaw.  “Tell me the truth.”

You don’t have an answer that won’t be incriminating, and you don’t think you can get the delivery right on a lie, not to him and especially not when he’s got you so cornered.  So you just keep completely silent and look up at him like a scolded child would.  Innocent, wide-eyed and scared shitless about the unknown consequences of your actions.

His helmet slowly tilts as he studies you, watching you look up at him for help.  His fingers gradually spread out across your jaw, flattening under the curve of your throat but so gentle, so careful that you’re almost worried he actually is mad.

“I’m sorry,” you immediately offer before he can say anything, your eyebrows pulling up in the middle.  “I’m so sorry, it’s just—I just…”

His thumb carefully stretches up to brush your bottom lip, and you…  Mind blank, no thoughts.  Stars, you’ve got fucking nothing.

“I’ve got nothing,” you admit, giving up before you can even try.  “There’s no reason.  I was jealous.  It’s stupid and I wasn’t going to say anything because I know it’s stupid, and I shouldn’t feel possessive over you but I do, and it’s stupid.  I don’t want anyone else to know you the way I know you, and I’m really sorry if that makes you feel weird, I don’t want you to feel like you can’t have—”

Your chin lifts slightly with the gentlest movement of his hand and the subtle pressure is enough to cut your mindless oversharing off.  Din’s voice lowers until it’s throaty and quiet.

“See that wall?”  He asks, keeping the visor pinned to you while carefully turning his hand to the right, and your whole head easily follows the movement as he guides it.  You have to blink your eyes into focus a few times, but then you immediately see what he’s talking about.  It’s a partition separating the welding room from the rest of the hangar.  He waits until you nod in the cradle of his palm, before leaning in and murmuring to you.  “If we were alone, I’d take you around behind it and show you exactly how that makes me feel.”

You pull back from him with a startled gasp just as a voice calls out from the entrance of the hangar.  “Well, look who finally decided to come back!”

Din slowly drops his arms and stares at you for just long enough to make you seriously worry that he’s going to say fuck it all and do it anyways, before finally turning around and greeting Peli with another silent nod.

She plants one hand on her hip once she’s standing right in front of him, cradling the kid on with her other arm, and you have to take a second to collect yourself now that you’re not at the direct center of his attention anymore.  “Sure did take you long enough, didn’t it?”

“I’m two days early,” he grunts in his immediate defense, but it’s like she doesn’t hear him.

“You’re leaving soon I hope,” she drawls while handing the baby over to him, who makes an adorable little happy squeak at seeing his dad again.  “You owe me five hundred credits.”

“It was five hundred for the full week,” he reminds her, and… he has a point.  Though it was never part of the agreement, you wonder if she’ll be willing to accept less compensation for having the burden of your company be lifted early.

“Five days count as a full week, far as I’m concerned,” she shoots back, and your heart suddenly sinks when Din’s shoulders tighten and he doesn’t respond.

“Peli…” you sigh from behind him before you even realize you’ve spoken aloud.

Your host quickly sidesteps your bodyguard to eye you dubiously, and at the same time, you also jolt and wonder what your goal is here exactly.  You’re ultimately just attempting to diffuse any tension sparking between them, you figure, knowing you’re probably the best mediator here.  She looks at you up and down for a long time, hard and judging, before the baby babbles something wordlessly and she sighs.

“I suppose we can just call it even,” she finally huffs, turning back to him.  “You’re lucky your girlfriend earned her keep, Mando.”

And then your jaw drops.  Holy shit, is she serious?  You assumed Peli valued credits above almost anything else, you never expected her to just… turn down the entire offer like that, so willingly.  Clearly Din didn’t either, because you both just stand there for a moment in front of her in a baffled silence.

Also… girlfriend?

Is that what you are to him?  Admittedly you haven’t talked to him about what to call your relationship, but then again, you’re a practical person and you never really saw a specific need to do so.  You care about him, he cares about you—what else is important?  You don’t need a title to recognize your value to him, and for some odd reason, calling yourself his “girlfriend” just feels like you’re a teenager again.  If you were actually looking for a different word to use instead, you wouldn’t be able to find it, but you know that one just feels… not enough.  Not old enough, not encompassing enough, not complex enough.  It’s an elementary school version of what this is.  And to refer to someone like Din as your boyfriend?  Maker, just saying it aloud would probably make his eye twitch.

“Uh.”  He stands there awkwardly, and you’re so blown away by both the sentiment and specific verbiage she used that you’re practically useless at this point.  Shit, what’s beyond girlfriend, you wonder?  Lover?  No, not good enough.  Partner?  No.  No, not wife, definitely fucking not—  “Thank you.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Peli waves him away and spins around to leave, but not before throwing one final thing over her shoulder.  “That ain’t an open invitation to come back, by the way.”

All of a sudden, you just can’t stop yourself from breaking out into a wide grin, tucking your chin in hopes that she won’t see it with her back turned and decide to pounce on the display of weakness.  The three of you watch her stride out of the room and immediately bark an order at one of her droids to get back to work, who starts looking around in desperate search of something to do, and Din’s palm finds its usual place on your lower back as she disappears.

“What a nice lady,” you offer to him, and he gives you a wordless grumble in response.

***

So it’s a couple hours later and you think the kid might actually have the right idea this time.

You find yourself wishing you had a little hover pod of your own that followed Din around, one you could close the lid on and hide in while blaster fire whistles through the air around you like the baby is currently doing.  You’re trying to listen to instructions—you’re trying, but there’s a lot going on here.  Voices chatting, guns firing, targets being pinged, a lively little band playing in the cantina next door.  

When Din first led you through Mos Eisley and inside this specific adobe hut, if you’re being completely honest, you had hoped for food.  A comparatively large restaurant, perhaps?  Peli didn’t starve you by any stretch of the imagination, but her dinners were the exact same every single night, and you’ve learned to thrive on new things.  While you didn’t necessarily think he was going to take you on a… a date, or anything, you certainly didn’t expect him to take you to a shooting range.

Well.  Now that you think about it, this might actually be a date.

Luckily you’re hidden away in the furthest firing partition from the door, but even without the near-constant barrage of gunfire to your left, the distractions are still plentiful.  The kid actually reached down and pressed the button to close his crib himself as soon as the bright beams of plasma started zooming past and reflecting in his large black eyes, and oh how you wish that were you.  You don’t necessarily feel like you’re in danger or anything, but you’ve also never seen so many guns in one place before and you’re worried you’re accidentally going to hurt someone else.

So far Din has taught you the fundamentals for any firearm—always keep the safety on until you’re ready to fire, never point at anything unless you’re a hundred percent willing to shoot it, yada yada yada—and also the safety fundamentals for blasters specifically.  So, making sure there’s no leaks in the gas cylinder when you first load it, never letting a strong magnet get near the power pack, checking the surface of your target for deflection curves if you want to prevent a ricochet, or maybe in his case, inspire one.  He’s taught you your stance, he’s taught you how to read your sights, now all that’s left is just to… shoot.

Your arms raise up in front of you and the metal feels too heavy and awkward in your hands, and you have to hold the handle in your left and creep your right index finger all the up the side of the barrel until you feel the indented safety switch.  It clicks and you reset your grip to slowly ease your finger onto the trigger, staring down the sight, right at the bullseye.  Din is standing directly behind you next to the kid’s tightly closed hovering pod, arms crossed and just waiting for you to pull it.

Come on beginner’s luck, come on beginner’s luck—

You fire, and… well.  You don’t think you’ve ever seen a shot miss its target that spectacularly in your entire life.  You’re almost surprised the beam of plasma didn’t somehow ricochet back into the booth you’re both standing in, that’s how spectacularly you missed.

“Try again.”

There’s no amusement in his voice, nothing mocking about it.  Pure monotone under the helmet, as if he was just naturally expecting that to happen.  

No, you think in frustration.  You want to surprise him again, impress him with how quickly you can pick things up, turn him on like last time.  You just fucking know that would get to him—seeing you easily hit the target dead center with his own blaster, you know that would get to him.

You adjust your aim and fire a few more times.  Miss, miss, wild miss, miss.  Fuck, so many distractions, plasma flying in the corner of your vision and an increasingly heavy gaze from behind you.  Another miss, a miss, yeesh that’s a miss—

Alright, so you're just embarrassing yourself at this point.

“I think it’s broken,” you shrug in defeat, taking a second to find the safety switch and toggle it before going to set the gun down on the raised adobe platform separating the line of booths from the targets—but then Din suddenly snatches the blaster from your grip and extends his arm over your shoulder, firing off six rounds in rapid succession so wickedly fast that you jump backwards into his rock solid chest in surprise.  He doesn’t give an inch under the collision and even wraps his forearm tight around your tummy as he hits the bullseye with such deadly accurate precision that even the char marks and the line of smoke left wafting from the target’s center are razor-thin.

“Works just fine,” he grunts, setting the weapon back down again before urging you forward a bit.  “Go ahead, give it another shot.”

But you’re on a remarkable delay, just trying to process his sheer speed, how fluid and seamless the entire fucking motion was.  Fucking Maker, blink and you’d miss the whole thing.  He waited to grab the gun from you until you turned the safety on, but then… then how did he fire it so insanely fucking fast?  That’s like five different things he had to do with one single hand within a split second…?

“I turned the safety on,” you blink down at the blaster, clearly just trying to process.

“Yeah,” he agrees blankly, as if he’s unsure as to what specifically you’re so stuck on right now.

“So how did you toggle so fas—?”

He picks it from the shelf gracefully and lightning quick—as if he just can’t help but go that speed around his weapon—and then he twists it on its side, flexing his wrist back until the barrel is pointed upwards and you can clearly see his index finger extend all the way up to the safety switch, flipping it up and down while his middle finger rests over the trigger guard.

“How in the f…?”  You mutter, lifting your hand up next to his and positioning your fingers in the exact same L shape, only the tip of your index finger barely stretches an inch shy of the switch.  “Psh,” you huff, dropping your arm back down again.  “Design flaw.”

“For you,” he acknowledges, using the trigger guard to flip it back to its proper position in his hand like fucking spinning it like that is just the easiest and most natural way to handle the deadly weapon.  “This gun was made for me, it’s a feature.  Yours would be smaller and lighter, have the safety towards the back of the chamber instead of along the barrel.”

The words and the casual display of ability cause a rush of stirring excitement to burst forth inside you, suddenly giddy at the very thought.

“Wait,” you draw the word out with a grin, leaning back into him and gently nudging him with your elbow to make sure he knows you’re only mostly joking.  “You gonna buy me a blaster, Mando?  I did earn my keep this week, didn’t I?”

“Have to find one that fits a big enough sight first,” he mutters while setting the gun down on the table, and you scoff at him as his hands come to rest on your hips.  They squeeze and try to guide you forwards once again.  “Prove that you can at least hit the target with mine and we’ll see.”

“You only get to make fun of me if you give me a real answer,” you rule, planting your feet and refusing to budge.

“Okay, but we both know I’ll make fun of you anyways,” he sighs, and you have to dig your heels in and push back into him to keep yourself rooted to the spot.

“You’re not being a very encouraging teacher,” you accuse without trying to hide your grin.  “In fact I feel very discouraged right now and I think that y—”

But then Din suddenly tips his helmet closer to your ear and lowers his voice, cutting you off.  “Did you know that gifting someone a weapon is considered a proposal of marriage on Mandalore?”

Your smile quickly drops and you gasp, wholly startled at the implication and immediately trying to spin around to look at him.  “Holy shit, are you serious?”

“No,” comes his modulated grunt, tightening his hold and keeping you firmly facing forwards.  “Of course not.  Pick up the gun.”

Okay.

Okay, so that one gets you.

You immediately start giggling, painfully aware that this isn’t the time or place for it, but that one actually fucking got you.  Din easily guides and parks your gullible ass in front of the window carved out of dried mud before picking up the blaster himself and forcing you to hold it with your loose hands, grumbling under his breath.

Shit, okay, focus.  Focus, you can do this.  You clear the laughter from your throat and suddenly get deadly serious, staring your target down like it’s personally gone out of its way to ruin your entire life.  The blaster feels cold in your palms but not when Din’s hands wrap warm and tight around the back of yours, letting you hold the gun how it’s most comfortable for you before gently settling his fingers down over yours.  His chestpiece presses tight against your shoulder blades when he guides the gun up and out, and his arms are long enough to extend yours fully even though he’s behind you and still has some bend to his elbows.  He uses his feet to kick your ankles apart until they’re shoulder-width and then you both carefully find the trigger together.

He’s quiet and slow about it and the whole thing is one giant fucking turn-on.  Maker, chill out.  Chill out, he’s teaching you how to shoot.  This is important stuff, there are people around, chill out…

Din takes a moment to aim the barrel and his hold is so fucking steady, so unwavering and strong.  You wonder if it’d be too obvious if you pushed your hips back a little, you might be able to feel his—

“Fire,” Din murmurs next to your ear, and you pull the trigger without a second thought.

The bright red plasma beam launches from the end of the blaster and hits the target dead center.  You gasp, pulling the trigger again, and unsurprisingly, it’s another perfect shot.

He suddenly lets go of your arms and takes a small step back, but the second he removes his body from yours, the rounds start bouncing wildly off the edges of the target.  Your eyebrows furrow and you try to emulate how you think the angle felt before, but you can’t find it anymore and you’re just failing spectacularly.

When you decide to pause for a second, Din steps up close behind you and wraps his arms around you once more.  You can feel the exact moment he’s locked in his aim, and you fire wordlessly as soon as you know it’s going to hit.  Bullseye, right on the nose.

This time, he lifts just his hands away from yours, staying perfectly still otherwise and you swear you don’t move a single fucking muscle in your entire body before pulling the trigger, but it still hits the far corner of the target.

“It’s broken,” you shrug once again, and Din drops his helmet to your shoulder with a sigh.  “This gun was made for you, which means there’s obviously some mod you have installed that reads biometrics and ruins the shot no matter how good it—”

“Not even close, but that’s not a bad idea,” he tells you, watching you click the safety on and set the uncooperative blaster down.  “I can’t figure out what you’re doing wrong.   Are you just distracted?”

Uh, fuck yeah you are.  So much is going on and more than that, he’s here and he’s just… fuck, you know what he meant when he said he felt like he was losing his mind.  He’s your biggest distraction, all the time.  He’s still standing so close to you and the baby is still isolated and tucked away in his hovering sphere, and you take a moment to think about it.  

Yes, it’s… it’s possible that you may learn better by example than anything else.

“Can I watch you do it?”  You ask him, and Din shrugs before reaching around you and quickly grabbing the blaster from its mud shelf.  “Wait—” you tell him while he raises and extends his arm over your shoulder, and then you wiggle sideways as much as possible in the small booth to squeeze around behind him.  He doesn’t say anything as you swap places with him and scoot up behind him, but you can tell by his body language that he’s confused.  You wonder if he liked that position and watching you shoot his gun, even if you’re complete shit at it.

He stands in front of you for a second and you give him an encouraging, “Okay,” to let him know you’re ready, but then the helmet turns back to look at the target like he’s still unsure as to what you want specifically.  You keep your mouth shut and let him figure it out.  You meant what you said—you want to watch him shoot.  You want to watch him where he’s infamous, watch him do what he’s best at and let completely loose in front of you.

As if it finally clicks for him, Din turns to face the target and suddenly throws the blaster into his left hand while reaching down and pushing a button hidden under the hollow platform with his right.  You have to lean around his broad shoulders to watch the target slide backwards on its track easily triple the distance before squeaking and slamming to a stop.  Din stretches his non-dominant hand out and subtly tilts his helmet before firing six times, easily hitting the bullseye with just as much accuracy as before, and you frown when you notice the only shots that have actually hit the target so far have all been dead center.

He sets the gun down and stands there for a second, staring across the range like it’s nothing at all to him and it’s… remarkable.  Not that he’s a wicked shot, you’ve known that the second you laid eyes on his armor all those months ago.  No, it’s just… you would think this is where he’d thrive, if anywhere.  The entire place is full of smugglers, raiders, scavengers, mercenaries—occupations that define themselves by their grit.  They’re talking as much as they’re shooting, conversing in languages you’ve never heard but suspect Din easily understands.  But instead of fitting in, he’s just… there.  He doesn’t look comfortable, but he also doesn’t look uncomfortable, either.  He doesn’t look like he’s having any fun at all.

None of this is considered a hobby to him, you suddenly realize.  It’s not fun because he’s too good at it.  This is life.  This is going back to school for the most basic fundamentals of a job he’s excelled at for decades—it’s not interesting, he’s gaining absolutely nothing from practicing.

You try to think of the last time you’ve seen him truly in his element.  You think back on all the different settings—he looked out of place on Canto Bight, got into fights on Corellia, hated Coruscant, seemed stressed on Nevarro, and even on Naboo, even in the middle of paradise, he looked unsure if he actually deserved to be there with you.  Now here on Tatooine, where he has real people that he trusts, where he’s surrounded by like-minded individuals shooting his favorite things in the world, it’s like he’s still not able to fully let go.

Is it just you, you wonder?  Does he stand out more just because you’re the one looking?

No, you think.  No.  You have seen him relax.  You’ve seen him laugh before, you’ve seen him be himself with you.  

But… only with you.  A hardened bounty hunter that much prefers the company of a young woman and an infant to literally anyone else in the galaxy.

Fuck.  Why does that turn you on so fucking much?  It’s the display of prowess, the sheer skill he’s developed, how fucking deadly he is—and how you’ve felt him use that trigger finger to trace slow circles around your clit.  The Mandalorian standing with his blaster raised has probably been the last thing too many people have ever seen in their lifetimes, and yet watching from this angle just makes you feel protected, guarded, and… so fucking horny for him.

“Do it again,” you eventually murmur, touching both your palms to his back this time just to feel it.  You want to feel him shoot, you want to feel his muscles move with it.  You want to touch how mechanically he’s able to aim, you want to know if he’s loose or tense when he fires, you just want to… feel it.

Din grabs the gun and as he extends his arms out, you slide your hands up his back to rest under his shoulders.  He’s so broad, he feels so warm and strong, and his trigger releases are so steady that nothing above his wrists move.

Shit, before he’s even finished setting the blaster back down again, you’re already scooting up behind him as close as possible and carefully slithering your arms around his waist, hugging your body tight to his back.  Din stays completely still while your mouth presses against the fabric of his cape and your hands begin to slowly slide down his stomach.

He doesn’t say a damn thing, which makes it even hotter for some reason.  There’s no warning he gives you, no low growl of your name or sweet girl being dragged through the modulator.  He stays completely silent and holds there while blasters continue to fire from stalls to your left, and it gives you the thrill of your lifetime.  Big strong man holding perfectly still for you to touch in the middle of a crowded room.

Your hand slips under his waistband and sink down low until you can trail your fingertips along his cock, hidden from sight beneath the edge of the clay shelf.  The small sound you make at feeling it already firm and at attention for you gets lost in the noise of the shooting range, but you wrap your palm around it and give it a good, slow pull upwards, feeling Din’s back expand with a breath from the sensation.

“Do it again,” you whisper into his shoulder blade, slowly playing with his cock in his pants with one hand while keeping the other wrapped tight around his abdomen.

Din immediately snatches the blaster off the platform and fires it the very moment he takes aim, and you can feel his cock pulse in your palm as he lets off the shots.  Dead center, as always, but he clunks the metal back down with a bit more force this time and then lingers his fingertips at the sloped edge of it for a second, as if he’s considering whether or not he should hold onto it.  

You’re already wet between your legs, but it gets worse the longer he allows you to keep doing this.  His skin is furnace-hot and he throbs for you, and you trail your thumb up to check—oh, Maker, he’s leaking for you, too.  You drag the pad of your thumb over the tip and gently rub the wetness along the curve of his head, before easing back down to give the shaft another slow pull.

A quiet puff of air comes through the vocal filter, but that’s all you audibly get out of him.  Still, it’s more than enough to fill you with a wicked heat and a desperate desire for more.  So you bite your lip and glance around just to double-check that nobody else has wandered over behind you and the kid is still tucked away in his crib, probably passed out in the secluded darkness at this point.  And then you barely take a split-second to consider it before your knees are bending and you’re slowly sinking down the length of his body.

Din is a fucking statue.  He doesn’t do anything to allow your wiggling underneath the raised platform anymore than he widens his stance to prevent it.  Once you’re on your knees in front of him in the dim isolation of your hiding spot though, he takes a single step forward and pins his waist to the hardened clay above your head, and a thrill skitters through you at being completely walled in on all four sides.

You reach up to hook your fingertips in his hem of his trousers and begin pulling them down, so tight and achy between your legs that you want to shove your hand down between them already.  You don’t though, not yet, because you need two hands to be extra careful in getting his cock out.  You don’t even want the fabric of his pants to touch it, you want your mouth to be the only sensation he knows here.

At the very last second, you decide to pull the waistband down far enough to let his balls rest outside the confining clothing, getting increasingly hotter at the thought that this isn’t going to be sneaky and dirty, even if you’re in public.  Din’s wide stance and the floor-length cape hide you perfectly from any prying eyes behind his back, so it’s going to be soft and it’s going to be slow and he’s going to be comfortable while you go down on him.

Your mouth is already watering, so you bend down just slightly and lift your chin to gently drag your tongue along the smooth skin of his balls before anything else.  Honestly—you don’t think he’s expecting you to go there first, because his whole body suddenly jerks at the velvet soft sensation between his legs and you let out a low hum in response.  He can’t reach you down here unless he tries to, so you scoot your knees up a little bit and just decide to go for it.  This way he won’t be able to get it confused, he won’t pull you out from under here halfway through when you suck on his balls before anything else.  This is what you want from him, what’s right here in your mouth.

You switch to the other one and Din twitches with a filtered breath, the skin already tightening up and responding gorgeously under your tongue.  His hand hovers somewhere near the raised platform above your head, fingers curling in his leather gloves and caught right between stopping you and letting you continue.  While he allows it, you ease your way up and make it just tantalizing enough to make him ache without providing any real stimulation, slowly trailing your tongue up the length of his cock and pressing plush lips to the flared head.

Din exhales a shakily while you take your time, tasting the precum as his body produces it, just kissing and licking and purposefully refusing to touch him with anything besides your mouth.  Without being able to see the rest of him from this angle, you're left to your own devices—you’re so gentle and soft about the pleasure that you start to separate the man from the throbbing erection you’re currently playing with.  You begin to enjoy yourself without thinking too much about the struggle he must be withstanding right now, you moan softly against his heated skin even though you know you’re being a tease at the worst possible moment, but no matter how you decide to take your time with it, Din continues to allow it.  He endures.  Silent, perfectly still, until you eventually decide to wrap your lips around the head of his cock and flutter your tongue up underneath it.

But then he jumps and your eyes open when a deep, unkind voice from the stall to your left calls out, “Hey, Mando!  Gonna fuckin’ shoot or just stand there, huh?”

You can hear his immediate frustration in the blaster scraping against the shelf over your head, and you moan softly around his cock the second you feel him tense and start firing.  The smooth skin pulses on your tongue and you slide your fingers around the backs of his knees, opening your throat and slowly taking him deeper.  

And, for a man that has repeatedly fired six perfect shots every single time he picks up his gun, he falters after just three this time.

The heat of your mouth must be too overwhelming.  Too fucking good, too detrimental to his focus and composure to even perform the most basic tasks he typically excels at.  Like a seasoned mathematician that suddenly struggles to count to ten, a renowned author that can’t recite their ABC’s—Mando can’t even fire a weapon right now and it’s all because of you.  

He has to keep trying though, he has to make an actual effort now that you both know someone nearby is paying at least some sort of attention to his performance.  The sound of more plasma arcing through the air over your head slowly disappears into the background in a way that it never could while you were the one firing—you’re completely hidden and safe down here, you can moan low in your throat while keeping your hands around his knees and begin to bob your head without another thought or worry whatsoever.  Handling it is all on him.  He just needs to stay quiet, be still, and shoot his gun.  It should be the simplest thing in the galaxy for him, right?

Wrong.  So wrong.  You hear the way the bolts are pinging off the sides of the target now, you listen to him grunt and let off a few more shots that also sound like they miss.  Your soft palate lifts and you’re practically drenching yourself at how wide he stretches your throat while you take him down as far as you can, and there’s a moment where you’re holding there and you think about doing something about the dull ache throbbing between your legs.  But once you pull off him for air and automatically touch your drooling tongue to your palm, you decide this is what you want more.

Your slick hand wraps around his cock and starts to slowly jerk him off while your mouth moves down to attach to his balls once more, your touch gliding strong and wet along his entire length.  Din almost doubles over into the platform, his hips stuttering up for the first time at the hard stimulation you’re finally giving him.  His skin swells and tightens in your mouth—you can feel the tension locking his thighs down, you can hear the shots above you start to decrease in frequency, and you know he’s already close.

So you move back up to suck on the head of his cock again and slowly swirl your tongue around it, continuing to use your hand to pull steady and firm on the rest of his shaft, and you just close your eyes and wait for him to give you what you want.  His firing soon stops altogether and you squeeze your finger between your thighs and press hard against your clit, just needing to relieve some of the ache.  You keep doing that, you keep drawing circles with your tongue while slowly jerking the rest of him off into your mouth, and at some point, it all just becomes too much for him.

“Shit,” Din gasps, along with the sudden sound of metal skittering against the clay above you, and your eyes pop open in surprise.  “Ah, sh—shhhhh—”

Maker, did he just drop his fucking gun?

You start to pull back, but then suddenly a trembling hand shoots down and clutches tight under your throat, hooking hard behind your jaw to make sure you stay right there.

His cock starts throbbing and he shudders, slamming his other palm on the shelf and cumming hard in your mouth.  You’re already swallowing before he even gives you anything but Maker, you’re fucking desperate for it that your hand moves to curl your fingers against the exposed skin at his hips as if that’ll somehow help you get it sooner.  The first taste of him comes as soon as you dig in and drag your nails down his flesh, and Din is helpless to do anything else besides clutch your jaw tight and gasp raggedly while emptying himself down your throat.

He shakes and shudders and you don’t spill a single drop, clutching his hips and pulling him close to keep him in your mouth, and as he slowly comes down from that plateau, you lick every inch of him clean.  His fingers gradually lose their rigidity around your jaw and eventually, his fingers drop down to press gently against your throat while his hips pull back.

He slips from your mouth and you wipe the wetness from your chin, staring up at his cock wistfully and almost wanting to keep going.  Is that fucked up, you wonder?  What would he think?

He hasn’t moved yet, why isn’t he moving?  Your job is clearly finished here, no matter what kind of way you may feel about that.  The coast must not be clear, you have to assume.  Perhaps someone is wandering around behind him, maybe he’s still being cautious about the nosy person next door—all you know is that you can tell he wants to move but he isn’t, which likely means he can’t.  You know his cock must be so unbelievably sensitive right now, but he’s not easing his body back far enough away from the shelf to tuck it into his pants.  He’s keeping it right in front of your face and expecting you to stay there until he deems it appropriate for you to get up.

The longer you wait for him to step back and let you out from under here, the more your need sparks and grows.  What would he think?  That you’re so desperate for his cock that you still want it in your mouth even when it’s soft and spent?  Maker, he’d be fucking right on the money.

At some point, you can’t stop yourself.  You lean back up to slowly take his soft cock back in your mouth, and Din nearly spasms while you slip your hand under your waistband and widen your knees.

You don’t do anything spectacular to it—you’re not that cruel—but you do hold him on the heat of your tongue and keep him there, fluttering your eyes closed as your finger finally touches your clit.  Air puffs shakily through your nostrils and you think Din is actually shaking harder than you are, his body fighting oversensitivity while yours starts the race towards bliss.  He doesn’t stop you but it also feels like he’s purposefully trying not to, like everything in him is rebelling against the wet heat of your mouth but knowing you’re only doing this because you’re so painfully turned on.  You’re doing this because you need it, in spite of the electric shocks of wicked sensation it seems to be inspiring in him.

Your finger speeds up and you start gently sucking on the warm, giving flesh, and his hand trembles as it grabs at your hair.  Fuck, you don’t care if he thinks you’re desperate—you want him to recognize it, you want him to know exactly how much you love his cock—

That thought sends a dark thrill down your spine and pleasure burns bright and needy where you’re still rubbing your clit, dropping your hips and rolling them forwards against your hand.  And oh, your only lament is that you wish he was the one doing this.  You wish Din was building your pleasure instead of letting you use his body in search of your own, you wish it was his hand working between your legs and about to shove you over that ledge, but then again.  Something about this whole fucking scene is just so… undignified.  Debased.  And you’re getting off on it, quicker than you ever thought possible.

When you cum, you’re good and you don’t make a single sound when you cum.  You squeeze your eyes shut and your entire body jolts with every single shattering wave of ecstasy, and Din tugs a handful of your hair and slowly rocks his hips once, twice, fucking your mouth while you endure wildfire burning through your veins.  By the time you finish convulsing on the fucking floor of a Tatooinian gun range, you know you can go for another and probably get it equally as quick as that one, but Din is already pulling his cock out of your mouth and shoving it back into his pants.  You’re like jelly as your elbow is immediately caught in his arm and you’re hauled up from your hiding spot, dazed and disoriented.

The chrome visor stares you down and you want to shrink in on yourself, thinking he’s going to take your happy ass back to the Crest.  You should be in trouble, you know you should be in trouble.  Leaving the recesses of your dark cubby and coming face to face with your surroundings brings a brand new clarity to light—you totally should not have done any of that.  He was trying to teach you, for Maker’s sake.  He was taking the time to show you the valuable knowledge he’s gained regarding weaponry and self-defense.  Fuck, you even told him on Naboo that you wanted to shoot a gun, and he brought you here to do just that.

Except then he just spins you around and picks up the blaster from the adobe ledge in front of you, placing it firmly in your hands.

“Okay,” he pants quietly next to your ear, breathing hard and shallow through the helmet.  “Now you should be able to focus, right?”

Fuck…  Fuck, is he serious?  You can barely hold the damn thing, you’re shaking so hard.  How does this work again?  What does this do?

“Wh-What?”  You croak—fuck, your voice is gone.  “I… I can’t—”

“Try,” he encourages, helping your comparatively tiny hands flip off the safety but other than that, stepping back and leaving you to it.  Completely and hopelessly lost, you weakly twist around to watch him stand next to the kid’s closed metallic shield.  “Hit the target,” Din reiterates with a nod, trying to catch his breath.  “You can do it.”

You look back out with unfocused eyes to see it still all the way on the far end of its track, and there’s just absolutely no fucking way.  “I… can’t.”

“Hit the target and we can go home,” he tells you, and while you don’t exactly know what home is anymore, something tells you it’s somewhere in hyperspace.  A resting baby, a metal floor, a pitch black hull, and your cheek pressed against a warm chest.

It sounds… wonderful.

Inspiring a newfound kind of desire in you, you lift your arms as best you can and work so, so hard to keep them steady.  The target is in your sights and you do your absolute best—fuck, you really do, but you pull the trigger and the shot sadly bounces off the edge.

You drop your hands, already defeated and drained.  “I can’t.”

“Hit the target and I’ll buy you a blaster,” he ups the ante, and you instantly lift your dead arms again.  Fuck, come on, come on, you can do this.

You shoot.  Nope.  So you shoot again.  And then you shoot again, and again, minutely adjusting your wrists purely based on where the bright red plasma is landing and ignoring the scope entirely.

“A nice one,” he continues over the pew pew pew of you just continuing to fucking miss, fucking miserably, over and over again.  “Expensive.  Hand-crafted, one of a kind…”

Miss, miss, miss, and—no.  Just, no.  There’s only so much glaring failure you can take before you snap.  You finally stop shooting and growl in frustration, going to slam the metal down on its resting place.  “Mando, I ca—”

“Hit the target and I’ll marry you,” he says quietly, and you freeze just before impact.

… What?  N… No…

Miraculously, you somehow manage to calmly switch the safety on and set the blaster down before turning back to see the helmet staring at you, unmoving.

You… you know it must just be a joke, right?  Just a stupid extension to the one he made earlier, it must be.  You blink dumbly at him and flick your gaze between the visor and two large black eyes staring at you from the crib, wondering if you glitched or if you’re just hallucinating.

“Uh…” you hear yourself say, even though you’ve got absolutely nothing, but Din doesn’t offer anything else to fill in the gaps of your startled misunderstanding.  If you didn’t have such a wild fucking reaction to the words, you'd probably wonder if he actually said them or not—that’s how much he gives away.  Silent, so unbelievably silent when you’re begging him to give you at least something.  Is he messing with you again?  Is he just that confident that you’re going to fail?

It takes forever for you to turn back around and face the target, but you eventually do when he refuses to elaborate.  Your heart slams in your chest and you wonder what you’re doing even attempting this.

The moment you lift your trembling arms is the moment you know your heart is pounding too fast—your finger twitches with the wild rush of blood flow and you end up pulling the trigger way before you’re ready.  You fire before you’ve checked your sights, you fire before you’ve taken any sort of aim whatsoever, you fire spontaneously enough to surprise even yourself and it—

—it hits dead center.

Your stomach drops and a jolt of some rabid feeling punches through you, you have no idea what it is.  You whip around so fast that you get dizzy, seeing him standing there, completely still.

“That was just beginner’s luck,” you quickly reassure him, suddenly feeling faint.  Holy shit, holy shit, what the fuck just happened?  “Listen—hey, no, listen, I can’t get it again,” you explain shrilly to the utterly dead silence from him.  “Look, watch this, double or nothing.”

You spin back around, well aware that absolutely nothing about what you just said or what just happened made any fucking sense at all.  Beginner’s luck when you’ve been consistently awful at this, telling him repeatedly to listen when you’re very, very fucking aware he hasn’t said anything, double or nothing on a literal proposal as if double marriage is something that actually exists?

No.  Shut up.  Don’t even think that word, don’t think about fucking anything.  Fire, fire without thinking, just lift the gun and pull the trigger—

You do, and oh.  Oh, no.

“Uh?!”  Your voice comes out on a squeak, now in a complete fucking panic.  What the fuck?  No fucking way.  Perfect, perfect, the odds are fucking astronomical—another deadly accurate shot.  “Ah, um, okay, scratch everything I said—th-third time’s a charm?”

Wide-eyed and having absolutely no clue what you’re doing at this point, you fail to see Din slowly turn his helmet down and to the right as he stands behind you.  You go to lift your arms and pull the trigger, but then he suddenly reaches out lightning-quick and bumps your elbow upwards at the very last second.  

The abrupt push causes your shot to be angled off course spectacularly and you can’t do anything but look up and gasp in horror, worried it’s going to ricochet off the ceiling and land somewhere this building isn’t architecturally designed to absorb.  There’s just enough time to wildly wonder why the fuck he did that—

—but then, like pure magic before your eyes… the beam of plasma adjusts itself in midair.  

It fucking bends.  Across the length of your entire firing lane, it curves in a downward trajectory and hits the target with absolutely impossible physics.

Your jaw fucking drops and you whip your body around in dumb shock to see Din staring hard at the closed shield next to him.

… that’s not closed.

The baby tilts his head at you and coos happily, one ear tipping up while the other tips down, and you’re completely blown away.  Not only at the entirely unexpected demon-power display, but what specifically he was hoping to get out of it.  You’re still stuck, blinking down at the adorable little goof with abilities you’ll never understand.

Only, a hand suddenly grabs yours and drags you back to yourself.

“We need to leave,” Din says quietly, switching the lid shut on the hovering crib and pushing it towards the booth’s exit while tugging you along behind him.  “I don’t know how many people saw that, we need to leave.”

Sure enough, voices in the next partition over start picking up, likely the only ones in here who had a good enough angle to watch the physically unthinkable shot somehow meet its target, and your adrenaline quickly begins pumping while you keep your head down and power-walk your ass to the door.  You don’t know the kind of consequences that could potentially arise from others witnessing the kid’s literal sorcery, but you know you’d rather not take the chance.  The voices start growing louder as you three make your quick escape, beginning to ask others around them if they just saw that, but you’re already out of the rectangular adobe structure and long gone by the time anybody steps out of their panels to hear the uproarious accusations of cheating beginning to fly.

***

Stay tuned for the next part!

JEALOUS | Luke Patterson

Requested by anon: “5 times Luke gets jealous and one time he doesn’t have too. Luke x reader?”

PAIRING(s): Mercer!fem reader x Luke Patterson WARNING(s): angst, fluff WORDS: 2.3k SUMMARY: Five times Luke Patterson gets jealous and one time he doesn’t have to.

A/N: hi! sorry this took so long, lol. school sucks. :/ i promise im gonna be posting more frequently from now onwards! anyway, decided to make y/n alex’ sister, bc i’ve been wanting to try it for a while. hope u like it!! <3 also, song used is carry me by kygo ft. julia michaels.

1.

The first time that Luke Patterson feels that scorching, smoldering rage in the pit of his stomach is when he notices Y/N Mercer stare at his bandmate, Bobby Wilson, for the entirety of their hour-long Literature class.

At first, he doesn’t understand why he feels this way: Y/N’s just as much Bobby’s friend as she is his. Well, not really – Luke likes to believe that he is the one that she is closest to in the band, other than her brother, Alex, of course. Sure, Bobby and Y/N are friends – they say ‘hi’ when they pass by each other in the hallway, she helps him out with his Physics homework when he asks, and he asks her how her day’s been – that sort of friends. They’ve never really interacted more than it was required, and Luke knows that if Bobby wasn’t a part of their band, Sunset Curve, or if Y/N wasn’t their drummer’s sister, those two wouldn’t be friends.

Anyway, he thinks that maybe it’s because they are supposed to be partners, working on their assignment together – and instead, she is choosing to abandon him and stare at one of his best mates, instead. He thinks that maybe he’s mad because she promised him that she would help him out with this assignment, which is particularly hard, and now, it feels like he’s ditching her.

Instead of thinking about why he is so bothered at the fact that Y/N is staring at Bobby, Luke chooses to elbow her instead.

“What?” She whispers, a blush covering her cheeks.

“Can you focus?” He snaps as she rolls her eyes and opens their textbook.

“You’re annoying.”

2.

“Alex, Alex, Alex!”

“Luke, I’m sitting right beside you – you don’t need to yell.”

“There’s something that you should know.” Luke whispers, conspiratorially. Alex, who’s sitting beside him on the couch in the garage where they rehearse, leans forward, intrigued. “What?”

He points at Y/N, who’s sitting in front of Reggie in the opposite side of the room, strumming a guitar – Reggie’s teaching her how to play. Unlike her twin brother, she’s not naturally gifted in music, which is pretty evident from her occasional frustrated huffs, and the obviously off-key tune. Rather, science is her talent, and has always been. The top spot in their class has been permanently occupied by her ever since their first exam as freshmen.

“She!” Luke whispers. Alex furrows his brows. “Yes, I know that she has no musical talent whatsoever –”

“No, no, no. I mean, yes, she doesn’t have that – but you wanna know what she does?”

“I have a feeling that you’re gonna tell me even if I don’t wanna know.” Alex mutters.

“She has a crush on Bobby!” Luke scrunches his face, a disgusted look taking over.

The drummer raises his brows and bursts out laughing. “Really, dude?”

“No, no, no, I’m not lying, okay! I’ve seen her stare at him!”

He raises his brows. “So? She stares at a lot of people.”  

“It wasn’t that way, okay? Last week, in class, she was ignoring me and staring at him. Plus, yesterday, when you were god knows where, she and Bobby were having a conversation. An actual conversation! I’ve never seen them talk that much. They were nerding out over Star Wars!”

“Dude, are you…” Alex pauses, looking around, “… jealous?” A smile spreads over his features.

Luke’s eyes widen, and he looks horrified. “What? Me? Jealous? Huh? Me? How?”

Inside, he is panicking. He hadn’t considered this possibility. Is he jealous? No, that can’t be. Y/N – he’s known her forever, and he is supposed to think of her as his sister. He does think so. He’s sure. He can’t – he doesn’t like her. She’s just… Y/N. Sure, he’s always thought that she’s beautiful. And smart. And so, so kind. He’s always admired her. OK, he might have had a little crush on her. But, in a totally harmless, admiring way! (In the way everyone seems to like Winona Ryder these days. Nothing more than that. Absolutely.)

She’s just Y/N.

Y/N, who’s always there for him after he has a bad day. Y/N, who’s the first person he hugs after playing an intense show. Y/N, who’s the only person who can understand his silence. Y/N, who makes sure that he knows that she appreciates him. Y/N, who he knows like the back of his hand.

Before Luke can panic any further, Bobby enters the garage, and Luke notices her attention immediately shift toward him. They exchange a smile, and Luke feels that rage, yet again.

He falls back on the couch, locking eyes with Alex, who is silently watching with a soft smile on his face.

“I’m not jealous.” He says weakly, and Alex nods – but he knows that it doesn’t convince either of them. His friend lays a hand on his shoulder, whispering, “It’s okay.”

3.

By the time the next month rolls around, Luke is positive that he’s jealous: so, he’s resorted to not thinking about it, her or even interacting with her – which is hard considering that she’s always around.

Now, he feels like shit. For their junior year, they are supposed to do a report on a Victorian era novel of their choice, with a partner. He and Y/N were supposed to partners – they had decided months ago and have also done previous assignments together. But now, since he hasn’t even dared to look at her in a month, she’s now doing the report with Bobby, of all people.

As he watches Bobby and Y/N sit next to each other with their arms brushing, he feels that rage again, and curses himself. Could he not have behaved like a normal person? He knows that she is confused as to why he’s suddenly ignoring and avoiding her – she has even asked her brother about it. But Luke had threatened Alex that he would tell everyone about his crush on Reggie if he even said a single syllable.

(Although Luke knows that he would never.)

He sighs, dramatically, and searches for someone else to pair up with, ignoring the way his heart clenches at the realization that he may be losing her.

4.

“Luke?”

He looks up and feels a rush in his veins.

“Are you… mad at me?” Y/N asks tentatively, standing at the door to his bedroom. Her eyes keep flitting between his face and around his bedroom, and he hates the fact that there seems to be an ocean between them.

“Uh…” He scratches the back of his neck, not knowing what to respond. She looks down at her feet, biting her lip and Luke feels a tug on his heartstrings at that. It’s been so, so long and he has so, so much to tell her, but he doesn’t know how to bridge the gap that he created.

He builds up his courage and says, “Yeah. I was kinda mad at you.”

Her eyebrows furrow, and panic flows into her e/c eyes. “What – what’d I do?”

Luke inhales sharply and wonders what he’s gonna say. It’s not like he can say that he was jealous of the fact that she liked Bobby, nor could he say that in the past month he has realized the fact that he may have a tiny, little crush on her and had to avoid her at all costs because she will never like him back and it’s too embarrassing?

He clears his throat. “Uh. It’s because you promised that you would do the English project with me but you’re doing it with Bobby.”

“But I’m only doing it with him because you won’t even look at me! Why won’t you?”

“I… You also ignored me for Bobby the other day?”

She throws her hands up. “What other day?”

“When we were working on the Shakespeare thingy!”

“I was not – now you’re making –”

“Forget it. Just go home, Y/N.”

A look of hurt flashes over her eyes, but she quickly clenches her jaw, and stands straighter, masking her emotions. “Asshole.”

She walks out his door, slamming the door shut behind her.

For the rest of the day, Luke lies on his bed and stares at his ceiling, and when Reggie comes over, he tells him that he’s ruined everything. Reggie lies beside him and asks softly, “You okay?”

“I think I like Y/N.” He whispers.

“We know.”

His lips part and he says in disbelief, “Alex told you?!”

Reggie shrugs. “He didn’t need to. Everyone can see the way that you look at her.”

Luke sighs, too tired to argue.

“Hey. It’s just a date, alright? It’s not like they’re getting married.”

Luke props himself on his elbow. “What?”

“Y’know, Y/N’s really picky –”

“What date?”

Reggie’s eyes widen. “Y-You didn’t know?”

Luke raises his brows, urging his friend to continue. He purses his lips and says, “Y/N and Bobby are on a date right now.”

Instantly, Luke feels as if his world has drained of every colour. Reggie looks uncomfortable, and whispers, “I thought you knew.”

“I, uh, I didn’t. Obviously.” He whispers, falling back on the bed again. His heart physically hurts, and he can feel tears prick at the back of his eyes. Mostly, he feels anger – at himself, and regret.

As jealousy claws its way to the surface, Luke mutters, “I hate Bobby.”

5.

Luke sits cross legged on the floor of the garage, with a Spanish guitar perched on his lap. His hands dance over the strings, trying to find the perfect melody for the song he just wrote.

Writing songs has always been his way of dealing with his emotions, especially when they got too intense. Right now, the situation with Y/N is exactly that.

His eyes dance over the notebook in front of him, and he closes his eyes, trying to forget everything that’s happened in the past couple of days.

“Cause I don't know how we How we got so far, you and me Almost like there's oceans between us, us So I need to know Could you carry me? Back into your heart again Could you carry me? Right into your distant hands Could you carry me? Right back to where we started from Could you carry me?”

“That’s beautiful.”

Luke’s head turns sharply to the side, and of course, it’s her. He clenches his jaws, and says, “What are you doing here?” He hates the fact that she looks so pretty, wearing a beautiful red sundress.

She bites her lower lip, and says, “We should talk, Luke.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

She giggles. “You’ve always been the jealous type.”

He raises his brows, opening his mouth to deny whatever she was about to say next, but she raises a hand to stop him. “Alex and Reg told me. They said that they’re tired of seeing you mope every day.”

“I –”

“Hold on. So, for the past month, you’ve been mad at me because you thought I like Bobby?”

Luke lowers his head, choosing to stare at his open palm instead.

“You ignored one of your best friends for more than a month because you were jealous, and you were too much of an idiot to tell her the truth?”

“Well, you don’t gotta be so mean about it.”

She laughs. “Luke. Bobby and I – we’re just friends, okay? I was staring at him because I really liked his hair. And you have to admit it – it’s nice. I actually asked him for his shampoo, too. But, well, you and him both thought that I liked him. That’s why he asked me out to the movies last day. But... uh, well, it didn’t work out.”

His heart races at the last sentence. “Why?”

“Because I like you, Luke. I always have. I thought I could like Bobby, I really did – but all I could think about last night was you.” She shrugs, and Luke feels like he’s falling. He thinks that the universe is playing a prank on him, but when he sees her crimson tinged face, the vulnerability in her eyes and her fiddling with her hands, he allows himself to feel the slightest amount of hope.

She looks down, continuing, “I, uh, I always thought that you only saw me as your best friend’s little sister. I didn’t ever think that, you know, that there could be something more. So, I kept it to myself and only Alex knew. But, last night, Reg came over and they were screaming for a while, about you and me, so I went to find out what happened, and they told me that you, uh, liked me too.”

Reggie. He must have told Alex that Luke was ugly crying on his shoulder.

“Please say something, Luke.”

He releases the breath he didn’t know he was holding. “I – I feel like you’re pranking me.”

She grins. “No. No, definitely not.”

“Y/N, god, you have no idea how difficult this past month has been for me. I mean, I never realized that I liked you that much until I saw you with him, you know? I always thought that I had a tiny, little crush on you but I never… and I thought that Alex would kill me if I did anything, but he’s been oddly… nice about all this.”

“He’s just tired of hearing me talk about you.”

“Probably. But yeah. I think you’re brilliant, Mercer. And I really, really, really like you.”

She jumps a little, and whispers, “I really, really, really like you too.”

“Do you maybe wanna go to the movies with me?” His wide grin matches hers.

“Only if we watch part two of Father of The Bride.”

“Deal.”

+1.

Luke watches Bobby smile at Y/N, looking at her as if she’s put the moon in the sky. Although, this time, he doesn’t feel the rage. He doesn’t need to, really, with Y/N’s hand wrapped in his, and the ghost of her lips still lingering on his.

 requests open! as always, feedback is highly appreciated <33

The Freedom of Expression Ep 56 - Dir en grey live with audience scheduled! and, Thinking about the aftermath of inappropriate remarks.

K: Hi, this is Dir en grey's Kaoru, with this week's episode of The Freedom of Expression. Joe, Tasai, welcome. Um, I think it was two days ago, Dir en grey announced that we will do a live show.

T, J: *applause*

T: How long has it been?

K: Well, as for proper lives, its been since last year in February when we were on the European tour. We did do the no-audience lives since then, but as for lives with an audience, thats how long its been.

T: Its a big decision, isn't it?

J: Yeah, and people have been waiting, right?

K: Well, I think people will have a lot of opinions about it, and its a bit hard to say to people, 'Please come!'... Well, as for why we havn't been doing lives, of course its because of corona..there was a risk there. As for the live venues, within these restrictions we weren't sure whether we would be able to complete the type of show we wanted to do...Like, the audience can't use their voice etc. So I was a little concerned when I thought about that, but at the same time, it's strange to say 'it can't be helped', but I thought we could at least try it once. You know, like a live show within these restrictions. We might even get some new feeling or new atmosphere out of it that we've never had before. I mean, we might not, but like, rather than not doing it and worrying, we could just give it a try once, and it might even turn us in some new direction. Then after we do it, we can think about what to do next.

J: I see. Yeah, if you spend all your time thinking it over, nothing will happen, right?

K: Yeah. Well, its not bad to do that though, I just wonder whether we might be able to create a new kind of experience in this way. We won't know if we don't try..

Kami: Um, if you don't try, you won't be able to say what it was like, will you?

K: Well, yeah, thats right. I'd like to experience it.

T: Yeah, within the restrictions, see what type of performance you can create.

K: Well, and people are slowly beginning to restart this kind of thing.

Kami: Um, doesn't it kind of feel like having a school fieldtrip, but being sick so you couldn't go, and then afterwards feeling sad that you missed out?

T: Haha

K: No, its not like that.

T, J: Hahaha

J: Nearly, Kami.

T: Yeah, nearly.

Kami: I didn't get it.

J: Your example was very easy to understand, but it was wrong.

T, K: Haha

Kami: Ok.

K: Well, well, I mean, it wasn't the right example, but the feeling is similar I suppose.

Kami: Ah! See, it is similar! I was right!

J: Oh, Im sorry Kami.

T: Haha

K: So, we're gonna do it. So for anyone who wants to experience this, I'd like you to come and see us... Ok, well..

J: Yes, today's topic is...well, this topic is a little old already, its about Mori Yoshio and the Olympic committee. He has made a run of problematic comments like 'if there are a lot of women, the meetings will last longer', and 'famous people could carry the Olympic torch only through rice fields', and has been forced to resign. Well, this has been big news, but well, this program is about 'The Freedom of Expression', so from that perspective, could you not say that he just slipped up? He slipped up, but shouldn't he still have freedom of expression? Of course, I think these were careless remarks, uttered without a sense of responsibility, but whats the best way to deal with a situation like this? What about just telling the person in question to stop it? Is that enough? So, thats the theme today, in regards to freedom of expression, of course you are free to say what you want, but what should be done if what you say is thoughtless, or clearly at odds with the common view in society? Is it ok to just criticize the comments only? So its quite a serious topic about the freedom of expression today.

T: Well, as for me, if I had to say...I'd say im in the 'if it creates further discussion then its ok' camp. Um, he's a tv celeb now, but do you remember when Sugimura Taizō won his first election? He said, 'I want to go to the high-class restaurants', you know, like political meetings at high-class restaurants? And he was criticized a lot for that. But when I interviewed him in person, I asked him about how he had felt at that time, he said he was simply just curious about whether this type of thing really went on in the world of politics. It was a pretty innocent thing, but when he said it, he was called into question massively. Thats what he said when I asked him. So I don't really think we will make any progress in situations like this, if we don't stop and think about why a person might say things before we launch an attack.

J: I see. Kaoru, what do you think?

K: Nothings come out it in terms of making a bad thing better. I think its a good thing to start a discussion out of it afterwards.

J: Yeah

K: Of course if its wrong, its wrong, but it seems natural to ???*1

J: This all reminds me of this difficult word we hear in the media a lot, 'political correctness'. Like, being forced into the political medium ground, and if you ever make a small mistake with what you say, you'll be accussed of being wrong. People are scared of being targeted like this...Even when you see press conferences, people will only ever talk about thier own position, so as an observer, even press conferences get boring. I'd like people to speak their raw words more, I want to hear what they really think. But if they did, they would be accused of saying the wrong thing. Its like you said Kaoru, if their mistake was shared it might end up heading in a better direction, but if people just immediately and triumphantly scream, 'Thats wrong!', then I have a feeling its gonna carry on like this forever. Its important to think about whether the mistake can be repaired. Anyone makes mistakes. Whatever you say, it will be different from what some other people think. And rather than fixing the mistake, I think some people see it as a game of winning or losing.

K: You can't just say 'sorry', can you?

J: No, you can't. Why is that??

K: This type of person (*Mori*) can't say it for some reason.

J: Like, 'I'M SORRY, I'M REALLY SORRY FOR WHAT I SAID!!

K: ??*2

J: Then they would understand their mistake, and be able to fix it. I think that would be ok!

T: Yeah, we should give people a chance. If you don't point out their mistake, and let them say sorry..

J: Even though it would be good to create that kind of grown-up environment, with everyone on the attack so much these days, people are so cautious about what they say now, the press conferences are more like rituals. Its become a kind of never-ending ritualistic exchange.

K: If nothing is done, Mori will never learn, right?

J: Thats right.

K: If someone just tells him he needs to change his ideas, he can take that to heart..well, did he?

J: Haha, well, I don't know, when he's that old, I don't know. But I think he probably felt something, surely. Also, we ourselves are getting old, and when we get that old, some stuff that was correct for our generation will suddenly become wrong, right? We could say something, and people would be like, 'Eh?!', even though it was fine for our generation. We are bound to be caught up like this eventually. Honestly, there will be people who saw this press conference with Mori, who didn't realise what was wrong at first. You know, with Mori's remarks.

T: People from his generation may even sympathise with him, they might not understand.

J: Yes, yes, yes. But if it was made into a public discussion, they might start to understand the problem. There might be people in that generation who don't understand that saying this type of thing about women is complete prejudice.

T: But as you said Kaoru, when people get that old, the don't like saying sorry.

K: Ah, yeh.

T: So, I want people to be aware of the discussion that can happen after that.

J: It just makes me think eventually, we'll be in that generation. It will happen to us.

T: You might say this type of thing, Joe.

J: Yeah.

K: You already do, don't you?

J: Maybe. I might have harrased people without realising it. I might have said things to people which I thought would make them happy, but actually made them think I was really annoying.

K, T: Ah, yeah.

J: When you're in that kind of position with a huge public stage, you will suffer huge effects, but when you're in my kind of position, its not as decisive, so there is a possibility I'm also doing that. Its possible Im becoming like Mori.

T: Will your radio listerners be saying, 'Joe always says that kind of thing!'?

J: Yeah, now you mention it, Hiranabe was pretty bad. haha

T: Yeah, you could just write Hiranabe here instead of Mori, and it would fit. haha

J: Haha, he would definitely say that kind of thing. So, anyway, yeah, we have to be careful with this.

K: Well, even just discussing it like this is a good step.

J: It is, yes. Ah..Kami is quiet today.

Kami: Well, I thought this was pretty bad.

J: It was bad?　

Kami: Yeah, a long time ago I used to say things about women, and I got a fierce backlash, and realised I was wrong.  Um, it was a road trip with a few adults to an onsen, we went in a few different cars. During the drive I was talking about how women always take ages in the toilet, and one of them said that she is actually really quick in the toilet.

J, T: Haha

Kami: It was possibly bad timing that she started to need the toilet just then. She said she'd be quick, so asked us to stop at the next convenience store, so we stopped at some place like that. And I was like, 'Eh?! Already?! You're back?!'. She was so fast! So after that, I repented, I realised it wasn't the same for everyone. Then I gave up the front passenger seat for her.

J: Hahaha

T: What kind of story is this?! Kami thinks the front passenger seat is some kind of treat?

Kami: Well, anyway, that happened to me. People usually have this image that women take a long time in the toilet, don't they?

J: Yeah.

T: Are they fixing their make-up and stuff?

J: Some might be, yeah.

K: Well, men also have the stand-up option, right?

Kami: I realised at that time that it all depends on the person.

J: I see.

T: Ah, thats good, Kami learned something new?

Kami: Yeah.

J: Yeah, in regards to toilets.

K: If you took a long time in the toilet at school, they used to say you were doing a poo, right?

J: Ah yeh. You had to do it quickly, or they would be saying it all day. They would be saying like, 'This guy did a poo'. I wonder what its like for kids these days? 

T: Yeah, I'd like that to disappear. I want the toilet to be peaceful.

K: You felt something was coming if you went in the stall, right?

J: Yeah, they would throw water over the top, and shout 'This guy's doing a poo!'.

T: Yeah, yeah.

J: What was that all about?!

T: Well, I think boys' toilets should all be just individual stalls.

J, K: Ahh, yeh.

J: So you can't tell whether someones doing a no.1 or a no.2?

K: But recently there are people who sit on the toilet on their phones not actually pooing, aren't there?

T: There are, yeah. Even if I'm outside desperate to go.

J: Yeah, you can tell they aren't even trying to go, or they've already finished. Its totally silent in there. Or you suddenly hear them answering their phone. Its like, 'Hey! That cubucle is for doing a poo!'.

T: This is a big problem amongst men.

J: It is.

K: Ok, shall we finish on that note, haha. Please subscribe. Thank you very much.

*1,2 Couldn't catch/figure out.

To top

SH Day 2: Fashion Statement

Modern AU, OOC

@sasuhinamonth

Bullies exist everywhere you look, in school, at work, on the street and most of all, on the internet. Countless bullies hide behind the anonymity the internet provides them in order to bring down strangers for no apparent reason. But there is always a reason, jealousy, an inferiority complex, a superiority complex, or plain and simple the bully is a pile of trash and no one should call it a human being. One of the worst things one can do when being active on social media is read the comments, because no matter how many positive comments there are, one bad comment outweighs them all. Scrolling through my Instagram I see the perfect example of this issue. Hinata is barely an acquaintance, I have not seen her since middle school almost a decade ago, she’s not active on any social media, or at least she wasn’t until today. The picture in front of me brings back all of my past thoughts of her, how pretty her face looked, how refreshing and pleasant her lower voice tone was; out of most people I was aware of at the time, she was one of the least annoying. The only thing that bothered me at times was her meek demeanour, how easy she’s fold under the pressure of bullies; and it would appear that she had not changed in that particular category.

The picture was there, I liked it, I looked through the comments, I saw all the negative ones, I saw them misgendering her due to her short hair and baggy clothes, I saw them calling her names; and then there was nothing, because the picture no longer existed. Much like in school, the bully applied pressure on her, and she caved in on herself and chose to hide.

I wish I had taken a screenshot of the picture to post myself, but that would have been an invasion of privacy. She looked older and more mature, her hair was much shorter than in middle school, almost a buzz cut. She had always worn baggy clothes, but her style developed to streetwear, all in all, the picture was, in my opinion, a work of art. But as soon as it appeared, it disappeared. I can’t explain why it bothers me this much the fact that she took it down, but it just does.

I hate all the entitled fucks that think people own them anything. Females do not own them femininity, males don’t own them masculinity and gender non-conforming people don’t own them an androgynous appearance. Gender and fashion style are different issues, they can reflect each other or not. People use clothes for various reasons, as art, as means of expression, or they use them to hide. We talked about this during one of my courses in gender studies in university and it fucked with my brain how many people, young people that are supposably ‘woke’ heard that for the first time. I was shocked how many were unaware of things that I consider common sense.

I have the urge to reach out, assure her that the shit those incompetent fucks commented is the furthest thing from fact. Maybe I also feel guilt, because I was aware she was bullied in school and never helped, my apathy always made me so sure that it had nothing to do with me. It wasn’t my issue to fix, it wasn’t my battle to fight, and this isn’t either; but I’ve also learned to understand that being quiet might not be as hurtful as actively attacking the person, but it’s damn near close enough. So, I click on her blank profile and shoot her a short message. ‘the pic looked nice. U didn’t have to delete it just cuz some ppl don’t know what style is’

It was partly to comfort her, and partly to prove to myself that I’ve become better even in the slightest. I press the lock button on my phone and the screen turns black, I put it screen down on my bed and leave the room trying to fool myself and the universe that I don’t care if she replies or not.

I return to my work desk, continuing this charade, I am actively trying to not think about it, but the more I try not to think about it, the more I think about it. There is something about a 24-year-old Hinata looking the way she does, yet listening to haters, that just doesn’t sit well with me. I’m still in deep thought about the issue when my laptop dings, letting me know I received an email. I half expect it to be Hinata, but it’s work-related and my focus turns to that for the time being. Work keeps me busy for the remaining of the day, enough to push the whole issue out of my mind for real. In a blink of an eye over 9 hours have passed.

I wasn’t able to fully finish everything I wanted, due to some issues but I have to call it a day, since I worked overtime quite a lot. I go back to my bedroom and pick up my phone ready to order some delivery for the night when I see that Hinata responded.

“That was very thoughtful of you, thank you for the kind message.”

“I agree that I shouldn’t let myself be brought down, but it’s devastating in the moment.”

“I’ll try again.”

Her last message makes me click back on her profile to see that she reposted the picture with the caption saying ‘fuck you’. A sense of pride flows into my body, and I can’t fight the urge to comment as well, ‘fuck them all’. I go back to our little chat.

“Im glad u decided to post it again.”

I’m trying to formulate a compliment that doesn’t sound weird, I don’t feel like we are close enough for me to call her beautiful or pretty without it sounding like I am flirting, stunning sounds extreme, sexy and hot feel somewhat disgusting; yet all these five adjectives describe her, because she is beautiful, pretty, stunning, hot and sexy. I’m in the midst of this internal battle when I receive a reply.

“I am too. Thank you again”

I don’t feel like I deserve thanks, so I decide not to write back ‘you are welcome’, but I still want to compliment her so I click back to look at the picture, seeing whether having the picture in front of me will help. I’m lowkey annoyed when I get a notification that I have a new message from her, I am hell bound on finding a compliment and she is hell bound on stopping me. Either way, I click on the message, but upon reading it, my annoyance dies.

“I’m actually in Konoha for the first time in forever. I was thinking…if you maybe want to meet up? I’m here for a month, let me know if and when is a good time for you 😊”

Under normal circumstances, an invitation to ‘hang out’ from any former classmate be it elementary, middle or high school would annoy me further and I’d turn it down immediately. But for some reason, the idea of meeting Hinata after so many years, seeing what she is up to, interacting with her now as adults, makes me oddly enthusiastic. I reply before I can overthink the issue.

“Sure, we can meet, I’m free every Wednesday and throughout the weekend.”

Her reply is almost instant. “That’s perfect! See you Saturday” Reading her message makes me forget what day it is, so I have to look at my phone’s calendar; Saturday is the day after tomorrow, in less than 48hs I will see Hinata. My feelings are conflicted, they lay somewhere between nervousness, which is new, and giddiness, which is even newer. In order to calm myself, I do what I always do, set a goal. By Saturday I’ll have an appropriate compliment for the picture and her, it will have more impact if I say it face-to-face anyway, yes that’s the reason I want to see her, so I can feel as if I completed this little mission of mine, no other reason…

Incorrect Order Chapter 4 (Nessian AU)

A/N: I know I haven't been able to update as fast as you'd want me to but I'll try to fix that. Your comments and feedbacks are very much appreciated. Do inform me if you wanna be added/removed from the taglist! If you happen to find my storyline similar to another fic or one of yours, I'm extremely sorry, I might've just not known. All characters belong to the author Sarah J. Mass. Enjoy!

Summary: Don't first impressions always affect the way you see someone? Well, what more with the Nesta Archeron? Nesta meets Cassian at few unexpected places and to say it didn't go well was a major understatement. Certain circumstances make them become enemies to tolerable company to friends to lovers.

Trigger Warnings: None really

1652words | Incorrect Order Masterlist | Read on AO3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The best way to keep whatever problems one has out of their mind was to do something they liked. That was the only way Cassian kept from spiraling. Since sending the woman to her own house, Cassian had more than a few moments when he wanted to repeatedly slam his head against a wall. That’s why he spent most of his time sparring with Azriel. He won’t admit he was simping for that woman in his free time too. Or maybe that was always.

Now, sprawled on a couch in front of the TV, with nothing to do but stare at a blank screen, Cassian led his thoughts to the box he kept all unwanted thoughts locked in. He thought about Tomas, her ex-boyfriend. Funny, he thought. I know her ex's name but not hers.

It took him a little too long the other day to realise they didn't exchange names. Again. He once thought that maybe she was purposely not giving him her name. That maybe, for her, he was just a random stranger who happened to save her life. He snorted. Surely anyone would know the name of the person they saved or was saved by— stranger or not. He supposed he'll have to make do with pronouns for now.

After she left his home, it took every scrap of self-restraint not to beat this Tomas dude to pulp and let him rot in the same alley he had the misfortune of meeting him in. He may or may not have been the cause for some extra injuries. Cassian appreciated the woman’s attempt at mercy. He, however, didn’t trust Tomas at all. He was dubious about just handing him over to the police. Who’s to know he won’t frame him and the woman for absurd things? Anyway, he left a note in Tomas’s house saying something like “Step out of line, lose your favourite part of anatomy. Name it and have it for your meal.” He made sure he printed so that no one would recognise his writing. Yet, all this didn’t calm his nerves one bit. He presumed he’ll have to stay on guard for some time now.

Now, back to the girl. He sighed. He didn’t dare change the sheets in his guest bedroom. He didn’t even let Mor use the room when she came over last weekend— which he could bet created suspicion. No, that room was only open when he craved her scent. He even realised one of his shirts was missing. He shrugged it off thinking he would've left it somewhere and just couldn't find it. Once she came to his house, he was constantly thinking about her. So much that now he started pinching himself often. It was the only way he could stop thinking about her— by creating physical pain.

Cassian glanced at the clock on the wall. 2.30 in the afternoon. He walked to the refrigerator and checked his freezer compartment. Huh. No ice-cream. He sighed, grabbed his jacket and keys and headed to the mall to get an ice-cream with a pout. He’ll have to leave for Rhys and Feyre’s first anniversary only around 5.30 to prepare everything. He has enough time to get an ice-cream and probably hang out for some time. Good enough to stop thinking about her. Or so he thought.

***

Nesta wasn’t sore anymore. Her headache was gone almost a week after the incident. Her nose didn’t hurt anymore. Okay, maybe a little bit. It didn’t hurt unless she bumped her nose against something. Today, her nose was dully throbbing because she hit her nose against a pillow yesterday. A very, very soft pillow and yet it hurt this much.

The man’s first-aid and medicines were really helpful.

It really wasn’t fair that he excelled at basic first aid too. It wasn’t fair that he looked so good. With black tattoos swirling over generously muscled arms and shoulder-length dark hair curling at the edges and gloriously tanned skin and hazel eyes with minute flecks of green and brown when taken a closer look at and dimples and—

A quiet “Who is it?” snapped Nesta out of her moping. She looked up to see Gwyn walking to her.

“Who is what?” she asked, feigning nonchalance. Gwyn's pursed lips and glare conveyed that her act wasn't enough.

“Who are you thinking about?” Gwyn clarified.

“What makes you think I'm thinking about someone?” Nesta retorted.

Gwyn sat on the chair next to her and started assisting with classifying the unceremonious heap of books on the table to be kept back in its correct positions on its own rack.

“Nesta,” Gwyn sighed, “Clotho assigned you this stack almost an hour ago. And you've barely finished a third of the stack. Normally, you'd finish stacks bigger than this in an hour. So there's clearly something.”

“It wasn't anyone,” Nesta mumbled.

As usual, Gwyn saw through her lie. “You were twirling your hair,” she said flatly.

Heat inched up her neck. “I was not!”

Gwyn murmured a “uh-huh” and they lapsed into an easy silence till they were almost over.

Gwyn's eyes lit up as it normally did whenever she got an idea. “Is it him? The guy you came with that day?”

Nesta scowled, “How do you know…” she broke off when she realised which 'that day' Gwyn was talking about. Nesta fought back a blush. “No, no, this isn't about him. We don't know each other. Much. Like, we've seen each other a number of times? That's it. Nothing else.” Cauldron, the first part was a complete lie. But at least the rest are true. Will Gwyn happen to know his name? Maybe I ought to ask her. Or maybe I shouldn't.

She should, she decided. She cleared her throat. “Uh, Gwyn? Do you happen to know his name?”

Gwyn frowned and asked, “He hasn't told you yet?”

Nesta shook her head and answered, “No, we, uh, forgot. I guess. We haven't really exchanged names.”

Gwyn nodded and smiled. “Well, he is—”

“Gwyn!” a voice called. “You can't expect me to come over to you and beg for you to help me. Help me only if you want to or don't work under me.”

Gwyn’s eyes widened. She abruptly stood up and mouthed, “Merrill. I gotta go. I’m so sorry.” She all but ran to Merrill, the very strict librarian Gwyn was working under.

Nesta sighed and continued her work. There wasn’t much left so she was able to finish fast. She picked her things and left the library with a word to Clotho, heading to the mall.

***

The best way to keep whatever problems one has out of their mind was to also eat something they liked. So, ice-cream it was. After having his ice-cream, Cassian was aimlessly walking around the mall. Here, not more than a month ago, he met her for the first time. Almost a month ago. He huffed out a breath. The fact that he was pining for her this long blew his mind off. He—

“This is your fault— not mine. I’m not taking the blame for this,” he told her. They bumped into each other. Again.

Her lips quirked up. “It is kind of my fault. But blame this—,” she poked his chest, “— for making my nose hurt again.”

Just like that, his mood sobered. “How are you?” he asked.

She pointed at the cafe to her left. “Coffee?”

He nodded. Who was he to say no to her?

So they ordered coffee and talked about everything and nothing. He grinned and she laughed. He laughed and she smirked. He wouldn’t say he knew her well but he’d never seen her so carefree. Her laugh was like nectar for a starving man. Her eyes bright and welling up with tears from laughing.

“I don’t think I’ve laughed this much,” she said.

Cassian put a hand on his heart dramatically and said, “I know, I know. I’m very funny.”

Her lips kicked up a notch. She straightened as if she just realised something. He was about to ask when she drawled, “So I just realised that we still haven’t exchanged names.”

Oh. Right. Of course. “Yeah,” he nodded. “Usually, when people meet, they start with introductions but in our case we’ve literally bumped into each other three times and still we don’t know each other.” He shook his head and extended his hand. “Well, hello there. I’m—”

His phone rang in his pocket. Fuck. He was going to kill whoever was calling him now. He was so close to knowing her name. He pulled out his phone to see an incoming call from Azriel. He apologetically looked up at her and said, “I’m sorry. I wish I could choose not to take this call and instead kill this idiot but I can’t. Just give me a moment, okay?”

She nodded and he picked up his call.

“What do you want?” he hissed.

“It’s 5.30 already, you idiot. We’ve got to get the things ready for the party. Mor already went to get the cake and you’re not even at home. Where on all earth and hell are you?” came Az’s faint voice.

“15 minutes only? Mother above, I’m coming.” he said.

Az’s “make it fast” was the last thing he heard before hanging up. “I wish we could stay here and talk forever,” he said to her, “but I have something up in a short while and I totally didn’t realise time was passing this fast. I’m so sorry. It was nice talking to you. Really. And I wish we could meet again. Though without the bumping part.”

He grinned when she smiled and said, “Bye. Have a nice day.”

“You too,” he called back. He didn’t want to think he imagined the subtle look of disappointment on her face because hell, he was a walking epitome of disappointment right now.

taglist:

@shadowsinger07 @im-someone-i-guess @saltyfortunes @cressjacquine @julian-blackthorn-supremacy @champanheandluxxury @zemiraa @ladygabrielli1997 @nehemikkele @heartless--aromantic @sv0430 @ddsworldofbooks @irenethaleia @sjm-things @dontgetsalmonella

We need more MIND CONTROL ANGST in this fandom give me Alec hurts Magnus and for a split second Magnus is just shocked with this feeling of "alec... hit me?" And even tho he very quickly realizes something is wrong it just feels so wrong and painful and later when Alec is unwhammied hes so guilty he doesn't want to even touch Magnus but that's what Magnus needs most rn, touch and affection and reassurance and comfort, cue misunderstandings and more angst before the ultimate happy ending :)

again, ur mind........ the talent in this.... *girl in porn voice* it's so big

also this is tagged but just to make sure, trigger warning for mind control, abuse/child abuse mentions, self harm

ok maybe it starts like... they are together and alec has a headache or something as the control kicks in or something and he falls to the ground and magnus runs after him like what happened? and alec's like "something's wrong, magnus, stay away" but magnus is too worried so he doesnt listen and he touches alec and alec hits him

and for a second he thinks it's because he went too far and touched alec without consent and his mind is flashing with asmodeus and his words when he hit him, and memories and for a second he barely knows where he is and what is happening and who is who. and because this is happening slowly alec screams "something is controlling me!" because he knows soon he'll be like possessed completely and he wants to apologize but he knows it's more important to let magnus know what's happening first. and sure enough soon a Demonic Voice overtakes him and his alec is obviously gone

and it's quickly resolved because magnus is 1- smart, and 2- powerful, and clearly the spell whomstever was using on alec was not super strong lmao. maybe someone who was trying to get to magnus for some reason? so like, extra spice because magnus feels guilty - he knows all too well what it's like to be forced to do things you don't want to do, to see yourself as a monster, to have nightmares about being forced to hurt the people you love- 

and alec of course is drowning drowning drowning in guilt as well because he hurt magnus, it's the one thing he remembers before losing control, he hurt magnus when he was supposed to protect him, and he knows magnus has history with abuse, and he could clearly see the way that magnus lost himself in a flashback for a second, he triggered him and he became the people he had always sworn he'd never be, that he'd help him forget, and he hurt magnus he hurt magnus he hurt magnus he hurt magnus

and he feels so stupid because he hadn't even realized something was wrong before it was too fucking late, and he had enough control to scream at him, but not to hold himself back? what kind of bullshit is that? he feels like a failure and he blames himself and he wants to scratch his own skin off, make himself bleed because he failed the one person he loved the most, again, and he doesn't deserve magnus if he can't help him

so basically like as soon as magnus manages to undo the spell and they are done Finding The Culprit and Resolving The Plot alec is just like. completely retracted in himself. already scratching his hands in a similar way to what he did when magnus was in the hospital, fists tight and hurting, and usually magnus would notice that, but all he sees is the rage burning within alec, that terrifying anger that he shows sometimes and after alec hurt him... it's scary

and because the person who did this was trying to get to him, he feels like that's his fault, too. he dragged alec into this mess and he was too much again, and he's nothing but a burden to the people he loves and he knows how alec feels like he needs to be in control of things, how if he doesn't he loses his footing, and losing control of his body is the most terrifying experience - magnus would know - and he brought this on alec and didn't even notice when he's the warlock, he should be able to have noticed the spell, he could have stopped this whole thing from happening but he didn't and things could have been so much worse, all because he wasn't paying attention as always, and god, he hurt someone he loved, didn't he? again. he's like an omen, bringing pain and death and hurt to everyone around him, he's cursed-

and alec pretty much leaves immediately with some bullshit excuse about needing something, and magnus tries to call for him, but alec is gone in an instant and ignores magnus. and magnus is just unleashing the spiral he had been keeping at bay and contained while he was figuring out the solution for this, and he just had a horrible flashback moment and the voice of his father is running free around his head, telling him everything about how he's not good enough, not powerful enough, how he'll never have anyone because he's a demon and this is what he was made to, to hurt, and he might try to pretend otherwise but in the end it will always come back to this; so he's in a bad mental state to not realize what he otherwise would immediately - alec is blaming himself, of course he is - and just sees that he's angry and leaves. and then he's alone with his thoughts screaming at him that he keeps bringing pain to the people he loves, that he's useless, evil even, that his father was right, that camille was right

and maybe he knows deep down that alec wouldn't blame him for this but he still can't help but think that eventually alec would grow tired of him and why not now? what does magnus even have to offer him, except for baggage and pain?

and he can't help but think, what if it happens again? what if that was just the first time and soon enough alec will become camille just like he always feared his next lover would? and then he feels guilty for even thinking that, because of course alec wouldn't, and this wasn't his fault, and magnus should be able to get over it instead of spiralling like that and acting like alec had done something wrong when he knows alec got the worst position in that situation

and alec is just shooting arrows all night, letting his hands bleed and hurt and also doing his best to train, because he needs to do better, he needs to be stronger and he can't keep letting this happen because last time it was irreversible. and he's thankful this time wasn't like that but this is unacceptable and god, he hurt magnus

he probably only comes back home the next day and magnus doesn't sleep at all that night because fuck, he fucked up. he didn't notice and he let this happen to alec and then he was a baby about it and mentally compared him to camille and basically blamed alec for all of that and alec didn't even come back home. maybe this time he's done forever, maybe alec's tired of him, maybe this will be the one thing they never manage to overcome, because alec will blame himself and magnus can't pull his shit back together to support him, and god alec will blame himself and god last time this happened magnus had to take him off the ledge, and alec promised he would tell him if things ever got that bad but how could alec even trust him right now, what if he's gone, magnus didn't even check up on him, he was too busy worrying about himself like some fucking asshole

and like he knows alec is alive because he can sense him with magic even if faintly but he still has that moment of panic and maybe alec isn't ok and he doesn't know but what right does magnus have to track him down right now? what good could he even do? it would be overbearing and unfair to go after him, alec obviously doesn't want his company right now

so when alec finally comes home the next day magnus is like "alexander" relieved and worried at the same time and he kind of runs to him but alec stays still so he pauses when he stops, hand even hovering mid-air, clearly hesitant and afraid to touch him and alec thinks, he's scared of me, look at what you did, he can't even trust you enough to touch you. and because alec doesn't touch him either and just seems closed off, magnus thinks, you can't fix this. it's all your fault and he'll never open up to you again. you're done

and then more guilt because he thinks, alec is not camille, he's not withholding touching me as punishment, why can't i stop acting like this is his fault? what's wrong with me? just talk. but he can't because he's terrified and there's so much going on in his head and then he feels worse because he can't just do the right thing and communicate, again, when clearly he should be the one to bring this up and make sure alec knows it wasn't his fault, and apologize for not being there for him

and maybe alec has that moment of "maybe i should just... go" and then magnus tries to stop him like "no, don't, please" because he's scared if this goes on for longer he'll just spiral harder and then he'll lose alec for good. and in the process he touches alec and alec recoils like he's been burned and magnus freezes completely and the sudden movement makes his eyes widen for a second and there's this almost imperceptible flinch and then again the guilt because 1- he touched alec without consent and warranted this reaction; 2- alec doesn't even want to touch him and he could have prevented this; 3- he's acting like alec would just become his abusers again. why the hell did he flinch?

and alec goes "i'm sorry", and magnus almost interrupts in his haste to be like "no, no, no, don't be sorry" almost begging him and that's when it hits alec that magnus has probably been spiralling this whole time too. and he wasn't there for him when magnus obviously needed comfort after such a traumatic experience. fuck he's fucking this up even more

so magnus can see the spiral in alec's eyes and he's like "no, come on, sit down, it's alright" and offers him like tea or something and his hands are shaking a bit because he wants to fix this and they both do really. cue awkward "im sorry" "no im sorry" "no im sorry" "no im-"

anyway they both talk about what they had been thinking and the guilt and the spirals and (in magnus' case) the whole thing about being triggered and not knowing how to deal with that and they clear the air and reassure each other because they are healthy and communicate and we stan that. sometimes just talking about the pain and reassuring each other is enough, you know?

and like alec holds magnus' face tenderly where he had hit him and very slowly leans down to give it a kiss and strokes it a bit and magnus takes alec's hand/fist and gives it a kiss too and slowly heals his knuckles and alec smiles up at him in the way he does and magnus' eyes shine too when he asks "better?" all hopeful like it really matters to him you know

and just alec peppering kisses on magnus' face and magnus kind of nuzzling against his hand and they both get that comfort of touching and knowing that they're still welcomed for each other and they have a Really Long Hug. complete with alec's face buried in magnus' shoulders and magnus clutching him a bit and it's almost smothering for them both but it's what they both need you know. and they whisper to each other "it's ok" and "i love you" and all that nice stuff 👌

anyway this is REALLY LONG so im ending it now im just obsessed with the mental image of alec kissing magnus' face and magnus' kissing his hand bye. also i love this ask ugh we stan mind control angst

Enchanted - Adam Sackler (pt. 3)

OMG it feels like it took me forever to write this part and im so sorry for that but i’ve been so busy with school and just life in general, i barely get time at the end of the day to even start my computer and do anything. but i finally finished this part and im so excited for the story to continue!! as always, feedback is welcomed!

ps: im so exhausted, i didn’t have time to revise it so it probably has a bunch of mistakes, pls forgive me!

series summary: You are casted as Giselle in the Broadway adaptation of Enchanted with Adam as Robert.

word count: 3.9k

Part 1 - Part 2

masterlist

Chapter title: Princess

First rehearsal on the stage is thrilling for you, because even without an audience, the place has a special energy that hits you right at the moment you walk out. There’s no real set just yet, only a few props to signal where things will be placed once the designers are done.

Today’s walkover is about the date scene with Clyde aka prince Edward and you are excited to put your dancing shoes aside for just a little while, even though you know once this rehearsal is over you’ll have one with Matt and Adam for the ball scene, your absolute favorite. Trevor explains how he envisioned the scene to go, with the moving and changing set to make the audience feel like the two of you are walking through the city.

Working with Clyde has been the easiest so far. He is a genuinely nice and caring person, who obviously tries to put one hundred percent into everything he does, making it a real pleasure to work together with him. He definitely has the looks to play a prince, tall, tanned with a charming smile and luscious curls that bounce with every movement he makes with his head. You keep thinking about how he is basically what you would say to be your type, inside and out and you are actually surprised you haven’t fallen for him the moment his hand touched your waist. You like to think you’ve grown enough to contain your emotions.

“Have you had any costume fitting?” he asks as the two of you stand on the stage, scripts in hands while Trevor is discussing something with his assistant.

“No, but Misha has sent me a few previews. Have you?”

“Yeah, I had one yesterday. Can’t wait to step on stage in tights,” he grins making you chuckle.

“There’s no prince without tights.”

“Definitely,” he nods. “Anyway, your vocals are extremely on point.”

“How do you know?” you ask narrowing your eyes at him. You haven’t had any vocal lessons together, just solo ones.

“Cynthia showed me a recording last time, I was trying to learn the harmonizing and it helped to hear you too.”

“Oh,” you nod. “Well thank you, I’m sure you sing just as well too.”

“I’m trying, but no doubt you’ll be the star,” he smirks and you feel a blush warming your cheeks.

Rehearsing with Clyde feels like when you and Lora used to hang out in high school, just goofing around while trying to get your homework done. It’s productive, because you do what you are supposed to do, but you also keep making each other laugh with the constant joking and messing around.

After rehearsals you decide to check out the canteen for a late lunch together and it’s a suitable choice since your dance rehearsal with Adam starts in an hour so you have to stay around to be there in time.

“You can’t be serious,” you gasp, watching him dip his pickle into mayo.

“It’s a delicacy,” he chuckles before taking a bite and you actually feel yourself shiver.

“Oh my God, you are a psychopath!” you laugh shaking your head at him.

“Nah, I just have a sister who ate some really weird shit when she was pregnant, and I tried some out. This one turned out to be pretty good.”

“My statement still stands. Psycho,” you joke.

When a familiar tall figure appears you spot him right away even from just the corner of your eyes. It doesn’t take long for Adam to spot the two of you since the canteen is not big enough to make it hard for anyone to see who’s really there.

“What a coincidence!” Adam cheerfully greets you standing at the table. Clyde hops to his feet as their palms meet and they do that typical half-hug thing men always do. Then his eyes wander over to you and you let a smile take over your lips.

“Hi Adam, ready to dance?” you ask as he snatches a chair from the table next to yours and he sits down.

“I was born ready! Hope your feet don’t break easily,” he jokes and you just shake your head chuckling.

“It’s not fair you two get the pretty dance while I’ll be in the background in tights,” Clyde sighs, but you know he is just furthering the joke.

“Clyde is not too excited about wearing tights, as you can see,” you explain to Adam who understandingly nods.

“I’m just saying, that out of the three of us,” he says gesturing around the table, “I’m definitely not the right one to wear tights on stage.”

“You’re right, I have nice thighs,” Adam nods and you can’t help but start laughing loudly. Somehow the image of him wearing tights is just so absurd you’d really love to see it.

Clyde sticks around for a little longer, the three of you having a nice conversation, a normal one which is surprising given the fact that Adam is present, but maybe this is the proof that he can be normal sometimes too. Then Clyde needs to leave and once he is out of the canteen Adam turns to you.

“Clyde wants to fuck you,” he simply says and you almost choke on your apple juice.

“Excuse me?” you manage to get out between coughs.

“What? Did you not notice how hard he was trying?”

“He wasn’t trying, he was just being a nice, normal person. You could try it,” you grimace at him. So much for being normal for once.

“Oh come on! I bet he’ll nut tonight thinking about you.”

“Would you stop unloading your dirty fantasies on me? Not everyone is as kinky as you. Most people don’t make a whole film about their relationship filled with all the sexual details.”

“Holy fuck, you watched the whole film!” he gasps happily and you immediately regret opening your mouth. You really should have thought about what you say. “How did you like it?”

“Honestly, I have no idea how you got away with making it, if I was your ex I wouldn’t have let you make it.”

“She saw it.”

“I bet she loved it.”

“She loved it when it happened in real life and I didn’t lie in the film,” he shrugs and the blush is back on your cheeks as you think about everything you saw in that film. The most intimate moments of a quite passionate relationship were revealed right in front of you and if you are being honest, you felt like part of it by the end, no matter how disturbing it was to see Adam in such scenes.

“I’m actually surprised you watched it.”

“Why? You were nonstop bugging me to watch it.”

“Yeah, but I thought you wouldn’t.”

“Well, I did and the trauma can’t be undone now,” you give him a look and checking the time you see that if you don’t leave now you’ll be late and Matt will be furious at the both of you.

You manage to dodge any further questions about the film as the two of you head for rehearsal, though you can tell he is curious about what you really think. It was definitely not a good idea to bring it up right before rehearsal, because now you have to get through 90 minutes pressed up against him, dancing to an incredibly romantic song, staring dreamily into each other’s eyes. Not ideal.

The song is critical. Not because it’s that bad, but because you are a real sucker for the kind of music in movies that could make you cry because they are so perfect for the scene. You’ve seen the movie way too many times and dreamed about dancing with that one person, but you never thought you’d actually dance to this song with someone and that person is now Adam.

It’s all fun and games when you are just learning the basics, not even touching, just standing in a line with Matt in front of the mirror and dancing like you have an imaginary partner. You keep peeking at Adam in the mirror and he is not that bad, in fact, he is doing great so far, you don’t know why he said he is not a good dancer.

“Okay, ready to combine?” Matt claps his hands, wiggling his eyebrows as he takes a step back, giving the two of you space to get close.

You hesitantly turn to Adam who closes the distance with one long step, standing right in front of you. Looking up at him you remember Lora’s comment on his height when it will be like to kiss him and you quickly furrow your eyebrows trying to get rid of the thought.

“What’s the look for?” Adam smirks down at you, tilting his head to the side gently.

“Nothing,” you purse your lips.

Matt helps you find the right position, Adam’s palm feels warm on your back and you suddenly wish your shirt was a bit thicker, covering you better. You feel his defined muscles under your palm on his shoulder and your eyes linger a little longer at the way your hand gets lost in his hold.

You first try it without the music, mostly both of you staring down at your feet to make sure you are doing the steps right and Matt gives you time to adjust, but you can’t keep your head down forever.

“Alright, let’s make a try and this time try to look into each other’s eyes at least half the time,” Matt requests and you bite into your bottom lip, trying to control your nerves. This is just dancing with Adam, the weird guy who made a kinky film about his past relationship, remember? He is weird!

But he is so tall and his eyes are so dreamy and his hands are…

“Okay, five, six, seven, eight!” Matt’s clapping interrupts your thoughts as you start the choreography again.

You have to watch your feet at first so you know you’re heading in the right direction, but a few steps later you force yourself to bring your gaze up and your eyes meet his.

It just hits different. Being so close to him, feeling his touch on your back and palm, you suddenly feel a strong urge to run your fingers through his hair and you almost do it before you tell yourself to behave. There is just something in him that makes your whole mind stop working properly even though you have a pretty strong opinion about him and the kind of man that he is.

For a spare second you even forget to breathe as you are staring into his eyes and there’s a feeling in your guts that you just can’t identify and before you could get further in this sensation Matt’s voice snaps you out of your thoughts.

“Amazing, this will look fantastic!”

You force a small smile to your face as you look at the choreographer and he brought you back to reality just in time.

You try to lock this feeling up in the remaining time so you don’t embarrass yourself with something. The last thing you need is to say something that gives away the conflict you are having in you.

“You’re always so fast to leave!”

Adam’s voice stops you when you are already out in the hallways, ready to leave and stay unnoticed, but that last part apparently did not work. Wrapping your hands around the strap of your bag you turn around and see him heading in your way with long steps, his hair flowing with him.

“Why should I be here without getting paid for my time?” you tilt your head with a half-smile and your comment makes him laugh.

“Good point. Do you have to be somewhere?” he asks catching up with you and now you are walking towards the exit side by side.

“Apart from my bed? Not really.”

“Great, then let’s get a beer or something.”

“It’s not a suggestion or an invitation, he states it like you’ve agreed on it weeks ago and you find yourself being quite okay with it.

Settling in a nearby place you order yourself the beer that’s been talked about, but Adam just sticks with iced tea and you give him a puzzled look for his choice.

“You said we are getting a beer.”

“Yeah, for you. I don’t drink.”

“What?”

“I’m a recovered alcoholic, I don’t drink,” he explains and now you have another piece of information about him that you put into your little Adam Sackler file in your head.

“So you are trying to get me drunk?”

“I’m not saying I don’t hope to have you spill something juicy about yourself, but I’m not forcing you to drink either.”

There’s a boyish smile playing on his lips and you roll your eyes at him as the drinks soon land on your table.

You find it amusing how fast he can make you forget about everything you’ve been thinking about when you thought about him, and make you see him just as this funny, carefree person who is sitting right across you at the table. He really is funny and it’s not just the beer that’s telling you this, he has a great sense of humor, he is especially talented in saying the funniest things with the straightest face, just staring at you like he is meaning every single word that leaves his mouth when you both know it’s all just bullshit.

“I’m honestly having a hard time figuring you out,” you sigh leaning back in your chair, fingers fidgeting with your second beer on the table. You’re definitely not drunk, just loose in the best kind of way.

“What’s so hard about it?” he tilts his head, genuinely interested in your answer.

“I don’t know, you are just… It’s like you have these different personalities and I can never know which is the real one.”

“What personalities?” he chuckles at your theory.

“One is this funny, normal guy,” you start gesturing towards him. “Then there is the kinky bastard who spanks girls and then there is this mysterious, serious side that I always see in rehearsals.”

“Kinky bastard?” he chuckles, clearly enjoying the discussion. “You’ll never let go of the spanking, right?”

“It just doesn’t fit into the picture,” you explain.

“That’s because we never had sex and we haven’t spent that much time together outside of rehearsals. I’m working there, of course I’m being serious! That’s just how adults act in serious scenarios. But the rest is just simply me, a mixture of the things you just said.

“So you are just a funny, normal guy with a hint of kinky?”

“Probably more than a hint, but yeah,” he nods smirking.

Spending time outside of rehearsal really helps you see Adam as a whole, the mixture of the sides you’ve experienced from him and you feel like it has brought him closer to you as a person, a colleague and maybe as a friend. You find him an amazing company actually, a great partner to discuss different kind of things. He has a somehow different view of the world than you, but you also agree on many things and this creates the perfect base for an actually interesting and enjoyable conversation.

“Stop!” You gasp laughing as you try to get Adam off a pole on your way home after he decided he is strong enough to hold himself up horizontally on it, but he is just probably getting close to knocking it straight out of the ground.

“They should make these more massive!” he grunts jumping back to the ground.

“You are massive,” you snort as the two of you leave the poor pole and continue walking towards your building.

“I am. In all means,” he smirks at you and you imitate gagging. His dirty comments stopped bothering you, he kept sneaking in something inappropriate into the conversation throughout the night and you just kind of got used to it. This is how he is, a kinky bastard, but at least a funny one.

“You know, we should hang out more often,” he suggests galloping ahead of you and turning to face you he does a funny dance move that makes you laugh.

“Oh yeah? So I should spend my little free time outside of rehearsals with the same person I’m with all day?”

“We are not together all day,” he protest and you just chuckle, knowing well he is right, you just felt like exaggerating. “You didn’t have fun tonight?” he asks as he returns next to you, walking side by side.

“I did.”

“Great. Then we will spend more time together,” he nods and it’s not a suggestion anymore, he is stating it like the most certain fact ever.

You don’t protest.

 Sometimes rehearsals are like one big chaos, especially when everyone is present on the stage, all dancers and actors with the production staff, but there’s no other way to rehears the big dancing scenes.

Today it’s the park scene again, you are wearing another flowy dress Misha gave you, that resembles to the one you’ll be actually wearing, Adam is dressed in dark jeans and a black shirt, nothing extra, and he seems to be enjoying that everyone around him is doing their absolute best while he has to do that one lifting and nothing else, just follow you around the stage.

Clyde is at the back, he has only a little stage time as the prince is looking for Giselle in the park, so beside Adam he is the other person who doesn’t have much to do.

“How do you know he loves you?” you sing with a bright smile and big gestures, grabbing Adam’s wrist as you pull from one place to another, dancers following around, the scene constantly changing around you to make it look like you are on the move. “How do you know he’s yours?”

You catch Adam smirking and you already know he is thinking about something dirty, as per usual. You do the lifting and you feel his hand smacking your ass when he puts you down, no one notices, but you shoot him a glare to which he just smirks again.

“Okay, amazing. Take ten, we’ll see the final part a few more times!” Trevor instructs when the music stops and people starts flowing off the stage.

“Stop touching my butt,” you tell Adam, the two of you walking towards the edge of the stage.

“I can’t, it’s just always in the way,” he holds up two hands innocently and you just roll your eyes at him.

“Hey, do you guys have any plans for tonight?” Clyde walks up with a bright smile as he joins the two of you, fingers fidgeting with the water bottle in his hands.

“I’m babysitting my niece,” Adam answers running a hand through his hair.

“You have a niece?” you turn to him surprised.

“I do,” he simply nods and it doesn’t seem like he is about to share any more details so you turn back to Clyde.

“I’m free.” “Wanna go for a drink maybe or something? I’m so done sitting at home when I’m not here.”

“Sure,” you nod and watch Clyde walk away smiling back at you.

“He is still trying hard to get into your pants,” Adam scoffs and you turn to him with a grimace.

“He is not.”

“Oh he surely is. I’m pretty sure he thinks this is a date or something like that.”

“It’s not a date.”

“Tell that to him, because the dude is keen on fucking you, princess.”

You eventually give up trying to convince Adam about your truth, and you also realize you don’t owe him a word. You know what this really is and that’s all that matters. Adam can think whatever he wants, that still doesn’t make it real.

“So you’re really going out with him, huh?” Adam comes up to you once rehearsal is over. You glance up at him nodding while you’re packing your stuff up.

“Yeah, why?”

“I’m telling you, he thinks this is more than just casual drinking.”

“So then what?” you sigh, confused about why he is so worked up by the thought of you and Clyde having a few drinks. “I’m single, he is a nice guy, maybe I also think of it as more. Is that not an option?”

He genuinely seems surprised by your answer and it tells you he clearly didn’t think of this version. Frowning a bit he tilts his head.

“So that’s your type?”

“Stop using that tone, please,” you sigh zipping your bag and heading to the door, Adam following you right behind.

“Okay, I’m sorry, but still, that’s not how I imagined your type to be.”

“You often think about what my type is?”

“I did a few times, yes.”

“Then stop,” you sigh stopping and looking at him. “It’s not like you have a word in it or something. If you hate the idea of me and Clyde going out so much, just come. He invited you as well.”

“I told you, I’m babysitting my niece. My sister would lose her shit if I cancelled.”

“Then there’s nothing I can do for you. Just stop thinking about it,” you shrug, clearly over it, but Adam is not on the same page.

“Cancel on him.”

“Why would I do that?” you ask with a puzzled chuckle.

“Because…” he is searching eagerly for the right words, his hands anxiously tapping on his thighs. This is a waste of time, you think to yourself.

“See you at the next rehearsal, Adam,” you sigh walking away.

 Clyde is awesome. Clyde is exactly the person you imagined for yourself a little while ago, he is nice, funny and just overall a good person. You enjoy spending time with Clyde and you find him attractive, but…

But something is just off and you can’t tell what it is.

Sitting in a bar with him that evening you can’t stop thinking about that one thing that’s making you not fall for him even though you know you should be. Adam’s words keep repeating in your mind about how he is not what he thought your type would be.

Of course he is my type! You basically tell yourself defiantly, cursing Adam out for planting such thoughts into your mind. Stupid Adam!

By the time you and Clyde part your ways you are pretty sure this wasn’t a date which is a relief, but it still got you thinking why you are so against dating Clyde. On your way home you catch yourself pulling your phone out of your bag to text Adam and tell him you were right when you stop in your way in the middle of the street.

“Are you stupid?” some random guy growls at you who almost bumps into you. Looking up you mumble a short sorry before looking back down at your phone.

Adam was all you thought about all evening, you saw him in everything Clyde said and now he is your first thought and the person you want to talk to. He sneaked his way into all of your thoughts and this is starting to feel concerning.

Adam is not your type. He just can’t be.

Clyde should be.

Not Adam.

Right?

Right?!

-

general/forever taglist for Adam Driver

i do separate taglists for different people, but not for different works of mine! if you ask to be on my Adam taglist, you’ll be tagged in all of my Adam fics!

@superdriver​ @siren-queen03​ @holacherrycola90​ @spencer-is-amazing​ @unusual-kindred-spirits @hailthemightywoecloud @holy-kylo-stars​ @kowalskibro-adamdriverblog​ @hurricanesunset​ @writerandee​ @luxury-0pps​ @prncess91​ @malefoygal​ @zaahidahhh​ @filternotincluded @fire-in-her-veinz​ @emily-strange @ktellmeastory​ @grouchosgirl​ @tapismyforte​ @unusual-driver-paterson​ @beeblisss​ @septicvic97​ @cackleifyou​ @gotiashley​

if you’d like to be taken off or added to the list, please let me know!

Shut Up And Kiss Me [11/?]

Pairing: Tom Hiddleston x reader

Style: Multichapter

WC: 2k

Warnings: mention of blackout, exstreme awkwardness, 

Summary: You and Professor Hiddleston have been colleagues for many years now, and through those years the hatred for each other has only grown. Now, as a new school year starts, you’re being told that you have to share a classroom or a class. Neither are happy about the outcome, but knowing you’ll never come to an agreement, you let the class choose for you. Team-teaching is rare in 2019, but it is a lot harder to do when you can’t stand the person you’re doing it with. 

A/N: aaaa, i have been so absent, I know. This has taken forever, but now I can promise you I’m gonna be back. Not only will this, hopefully be updated more often (I have inspiration), but I also got like a ton of writing mojo (wrote 4k words yesterday) and a Loki!Piarate au is soon done and i have other shits, my requests are becoming easier though turns out they’re getting long. Anyways, I hope this can please you and I hope to be able to post more in the coming time. I love you all so much ^_^ P.S. it’s close to christmas and a christmas party... ;)

Previous | Seires Masterlist | Part Twelve

You can’t place the feeling. Not really. All you know is that something feels… off. Wrong. 

It’s Sunday, three days since halloween and you met Emma’s friends. Even though that was fun and all, the night could have been better had you stuck with the people you know. Not only would you be able to continue to get Tom being nice (which had your heart race a mile a minute), but you could also, maybe, have more fun seeing as you wouldn’t panic everytime you said something. 

However, three days later, something feels off. You’re not even sure if it has anything to do with Halloween (if it has anything to do with Tom lending you his coat because you were barely dressed in your costume),  or if it has something to do with the fact that you have no recollection of what you did last night. 

All you know is that something is not as it should be. 

You try to shake off the feeling and reach for your phone, where it lies on your nightstand. The clock on it reads 07.39 AM and you curse your annoying drunk self for always making sure you wake up early―it’s not that you go to bed early, no rather late actually (like you gotta stay up ‘til at least 3 AM), but more that whenever you do get drunk, you actually fall asleep right away and you actually sleep. Maybe that’s the cure. 

Despite wanting to continue your slumber, you decide to get up. Maybe you can figure out what’s giving you this feeling of something being amiss. 

One slightly wrong, though not that surprising, thing lies on your couch. Y/BFF/N has their face half planted in one of your pillows, though the angle works for them to breathe. One arm hangs loosely off the couch and their legs have tangled themselves in a blanket, where one is thrown over the back of the couch. You have no idea how that can be comfortable, and you bet they’ll tell you how much they regret it when they wake up. 

Yet, you know that’s not the feeling that haunts you. Seeing your best friend crashing on your couch is not a rare sight, though it is becoming rarer as time passes. 

Nothing is amiss in your apartment. Everything where you left it when you went out last night, even the now half-full bottle of wine you opened before leaving that sits on your countertop. 

The mystery continues, but the answers are not in your apartment. One thing’s for sure, you’re not about to go out and find out. 

Before you decide to check any messages or notifications, you find a glass, fill it with water and down it in seconds. Pulling your head back you become aware of the ache in it, and with the water helping you clear your mind a little, the pounding slowly creeps into a loud drum. 

Okay, so you’re not getting away from being hungover. Good to know. 

Not being able to focus with the drums really taking off in your head, you rush to the bathroom and find aspirin. You take two and swallow them with another glass of water. It’s gonna take a little while before they help so you slide down the bathroom wall and sit there to let yourself ease into the beating that keeps interrupting your thoughts. 

It feels like it takes forever, but when you check the clock, the pounding starts to wind down a little after more or less fifteen minutes. You don’t have the energy to get up from the warmth of the bathroom floor, so you continue to sit as you open your phone. 

You have three snaps, five messenger texts, two texts and eleven missed phone calls. The phonecalls belong to three people; three from Tom (your heart skips a beat at the thought that he thinks of you), six from Benedict, and surprisingly, two from Chris. 

The two texts are one message of having voicemails (three), and one message from Tom; I heard from Benedict. He’s worried, are you okay? - Tom. You ignore it, making a note to reply and listen to the voicemails after checking messenger and snap. 

It takes three seconds to regret checking snap. Two of the snaps are from people you have no idea who are, but who you probably added last night. The last one is a video of you from Y/BFF/N embarrassing yourself to the nth degree on the dance floor. You know they saved it, and you know there is no point in asking to delete it―no matter what, you know they won’t post it anywhere. 

In a state of shock, checking messenger becomes more automated that anything else. You read the messages; one with a similar name to one of the snap usernames that you ignore and delete the friend request seeing as the message itself is not one you want; one that’s from a groupchat with you, Y/BFF/N and another mutual friend that you don’t see that often as they live abroad, but whom you trust fully and therefore has replied to your drunk texts about wanting to fuck a certain person whose name shall not be mentioned; three texts from Chris asking what’s going on, if you’re okay and if there’s anything he can do to help. You only reply to Chris’s by asking why he wonders, saying yes and asking him if he knows anything about what happened last night―you do not admit to having no memory of the evening. 

Waiting for a reply you listen to the voicemails. All three are from Benedict; one he sounds mad in, one he sounds worried in, and one he threatens to call the police and tell them that you’re missing and that you might be in danger―it feels a little weird not knowing if that actually happened. 

You sigh, blowing your hair so it falls in your face. Well, well, gotta keep searching. 

In the living room, Y/BFF/N lies in the same position as before. You ignore them, instead focusing on the low rumble from your stomach. 

Hopefully, some food will help clear the mystery. 

The food itself doesn’t help. However, the replies from Chris does. 

Chris: asking because you seemed very drunk and i wanted to know you’re okay, good that you are, and no, i don’t know since you never really gave me anything to go on

You: okay, well, there are no other messages between us, anything I did to alert you??

Chris: uhh, no, actually it was Tom that called me

You: Tom?? Hiddleston?? The dude who I teach with?? 

Chris: yeah… i was surprised too, maybe talk to him?

You: yeah, im gonna 

Of course, that’s what you tell Chris. You know, with every ounce of your body, that you will not pick up the phone and either text or call him because you know that that would be the death of you. 

You will wait, as long as you can, to ask Tom why he called Chris. The thought of it alone just has that feeling of wrongness expand. You shake it off, put away your phone and return your attention to your food. 

 --

Going into work on Monday is not on your list of fun activities, but it is something you have to do. You suppose it would have been on your list of fun if not for the looming conversation you need to have with a certain professor. 

It takes little time after your first class to meet him. Usually, your schedules don’t coincide but you guess the universe isn’t on your side today. 

“Hi.” Tom purses his lips and puts his hands in his pockets. 

You nod. “Hi.”

“How was your weekend?” he asks. 

“It was good,” you say and nod. “You know what, I can’t really talk right now. Catch you later?” You shoot him a pained smile and hurry away before Tom can answer. There is no way you’ve ever been in a more awkward situation (and the worst part is that you don’t even know what it is that made it awkward―what the fuck did you say?!). 

You try not to think too hard about it as you make your way back to your office. With two hours of office time, you can get back to focusing on your research project and get your mind off Saturday night and your possibly very embarrassing utterance to Tom. 

God, what the fuck did you say?

It takes a solid five minutes for your mind to rush back to what’s been circling around the last twenty-four hours. 

“Okay, you know what?” you say out loud to the silence of your office. It does not reply back. However, in the need to say it out loud, you act as if it did. “I have to just ask. I’m gonna go to wherever he currently is and I’m gonna ask what I said and I’m gonna cut right to the chase and it’s gonna be alright. It’s gonna be okay. It’s probably not as bad as I think it is.” 

However, you don’t get up. It’s like you’re glued to your chair and no matter how much the nerves in your brain tells your legs to get up, they don’t move. 

For two hours, you just sit there. Almost so you’re late to class even. 

 --

“We’re doing a what?” 

Both you and Tom frown at Dean McHallan who, though with a slight roll of his eyes, nods. “You’re going to a conference in Scotland. I know it’s sudden and it seems weird, but they specifically asked for you two to speak.”

You raise a brow. “They asked for us to speak about what exactly? Do I have to prepare some kind of presentation or something now because, honestly, I’m not ready for that.” 

“They asked for you both to speak on team-teaching creative writing. They wanted input from your students as well so during the week now, ask them some questions that you can quote them on. And they wanted you, Y/N, to speak on your research project as they find it interesting and they weirdly enough hadn’t thought about it before. They would love to hear how you’re going about it.” 

Your mind races as you nod along to his words. What are you supposed to do? Say no, nope, you can’t do that. You literally have no choice because he’s already said you’re going and McHallan makes the final decisions and he also knows neither of you really have anything that important going on currently. 

“Okay, I guess we’re going to Scotland next week.” You’ve always wanted to go so maybe it’s an opportunity you should take anyway. 

“It’s settled then. Tom?”

The literature professor nods. “I can’t argue with your reasoning so I guess we’re going. I have some inquiries. Accomodations? Travel? Food? And when?”

McHallan hands each of you a piece of paper. “You will be in the same hotel, though different rooms. I think they’ll be just across from each other or something. You’ll fly there on wednesday morning, together, and have all wednesday evening to settle in and make the last preparations and so on. Food will be accounted for unless you eat above budget. There are breakfast and dinner included at the hotel, and lunch is served with the conference. If you eat anything outside of that it will be out of your own pocket. The schedule for the conference is on the back of that paper and the information you need about your flights just under there.”

You nod, going over the paper as McHallan talks and making different mental notes. Some of those make no sense, and one of them is ‘get trapped somewhere so you have to ask Tom what you did on Saturday’, though you’re afraid that one might be the hardest one to see through with.

Ali & Carly

Ali: . . . – – – . . . Carly: ? Carly: nodded on your phone Ali: OG 🍑📞 Ali: nah save me Carly: it's pretty lemme just grab a 💄 really quick Carly: what's up baby? Ali: you are and I need distracting Ali: got band practice and I really have to Ali: missed the last two so she's dead moody Carly: go solo ill play a tambourine for you Carly: until you get famous anyway Ali: we'll get you those noise cancelling headphones they give to rockstars kids Ali: then you just gotta close your eyes n shine Carly: aw Carly: you're a 🍑 Carly: but before then I know how to sweeten up rockstars Carly: lots of jd is 🔑 yea so ill swipe ronans & its a party Ali: know that'll go down a treat Ali: almost as good as the ego stroke of calling them rockstars Carly: y you asked me its a not so hidden talent of mine Carly: strokes where needed Ali: 🎨 Ali: alright monet Ali: I'll try not to make it completely boring Carly: i have to take 5 to finish up here or he'll be dead moody Carly: so he's all you have to be more fun than Carly: & whats more boring than a horny lad when ur not feeling it Ali: easy Ali: I remember being that bored Ali: less memory more reliving but shh Ali: all fun and games yeah ✌ Carly: yea Carly: he gets it over quick tho some go & go without getting u anywhere Carly: ha Carly: ive got a home to go to sometimes boy Ali: he's very considerate like that Carly: i wont share it w him too big of a word for rn Carly: wheres this practice @ Ali: 'course not Ali: all he needs to hear is biggest and best Ali: memory serves Ali: in one of the other's garage Ali: so punk rock Ali: I'll come meet you Carly: long as he can call me a slut & I make the right noises it dont matter what I say Carly: thats every lad on here Carly: k well he's done so direct me Carly: u dont wanna meet me outside here Ali: if that's your jam, go off Ali: you mean you don't trust me not to 👊 your mans 😏 Ali: I started walking, call me a pessimist, Ronan 🤷 Carly: yea u kno for a good time call any of these caravans Carly: the old lady w the gnomes is a dark horse like Carly: i don't want u to see me looking this way ty ronan 💘 Carly: so rough about everything Carly: him & u ha Ali: she's living my dream, I remember her Ali: the pink trailer, like Ali: shoulda been going to see her if not you Ali: 🤡 Ali: you alright? Ali: you need a sec or Ali: idk, anything else Carly: her cats are living my dream Carly: lying in the sun all day, getting fat Carly: being loved whenever they ask Carly: i need a drink but im taking all of his its k Ali: duh Ali: only had it slightly better in ancient Egypt, like Ali: forever goals Ali: we'll drink it on the way Ali: need to see where to put their fingers Ali: not code for gay shit but like Ali: also Carly: theres lots they can have some as promised Carly: he owed me for all the 💊 Ali: you're sweet Carly: we can get your gf ☕ to dump it in thats the adult thing to do Carly: trying to make her happy not more mad Ali: she's 17 Ali: she just fronts a good game Ali: suppose one of us should Ali: #badgirlfriend Carly: ur the best wife tho Carly: ive missed u Ali: 😚 Ali: comments like that are why I've deffo missed you more Carly: aw Carly: comments like urs r why ill make today really fun for u Ali: 💚 Ali: we can make anything a party yeah Carly: yea Carly: but u gotta help me carry these drinks to cos i think my wrist was broken from all the coaxing that boy needs when hes been on it Ali: ugh, the struggle is so real Ali: though if you use that as an ice breaker they're all gonna look at you blankly Ali: fucking lesbian priviledge amirite Carly: i bet at least one of them's hurt their wrist trying to get a girl off Carly: half who go to our school r so uptight you need to check for sticks Carly: catholic guilt be like Ali: 😂 real Ali: but you gotta be on my side Ali: already outnumbered Ali: team bi for the day okay Carly: so i can talk about masturbating with my grandma's jesus cross or i cant Ali: you can Ali: that's a story whoevers company Ali: 'cept grandma, obvs Carly: punk rock enough? Carly: if theyre all as scary as ur lesbian im shotgunning more beers Carly: bag of recycling before we even get to the garage Ali: when she cares about the 🌍 Ali: 😍 Ali: they ain't, if we're being real Carly: dont want the earth to die Carly: its so pretty Carly: & fun Carly: k i wont have every can Carly: before we get there Ali: 👼🌟🌈🍓🐰👸 Ali: you Ali: and I'm literally just 'round the corner hold on Ali: not dragging my feet 'cos of you babe Carly: ur too sweet Carly: are you the singer & the guitarist or do they make you just do one cos youre too big of a 🌟 Ali: got it in one babe, I'm relegated to guitar #2 most the time Ali: at least you can own the stage more when you ain't so Carly: ill tell them you need to be 1st guitar & lead singer you're too talented for it to go to waste Carly: its sad Carly: but its cute that youre in a band together Ali: you wanna be backup baby? Carly: yea but i cant 😢😢 Ali: you can when it's just us though Ali: you're too pure for rock n roll anyway Ali: their brand of Carly: how you said that makes me think i need to drink more Ali: it's a good thing about you Ali: just saying though, my voice will be fucked by the end of this Carly: ill get you some 🍯 baby Carly: you can be 👼 again in no time Carly: church ready Ali: only if you coming with Ali: 😈 Carly: only if we do some more sinning first Carly: make it worth the walk Ali: naturally Ali: how we do Carly: k Carly: are all the band dating each other or just you two Ali: 😏 more and more apparent how straight you ain't tbh Ali: currently off again, I think Ali: they've all dated each other though, every which way you can combo it Carly: i have met a lesbian before ur rescued me @ that party Carly: been hit on by lots Carly: i kno they like to date in circles & all kinds of other shapes Ali: I bet Carly: aw don't be jealous Carly: i didnt like it Carly: ur my fave Ali: I'm not Ali: am glad I ain't giving off those predatory vibes though Ali: good to know, like Carly: you give off the best vibes Ali: 👼 energy, baby Carly: 🌟💙 Ali: let's hit 'em with it Carly: yea Ali: after she can drive us to a decent shindig 🤞 Carly: me & a car full of gays Carly: ronan will be in a mood ha Ali: always a bonus Ali: also always in a mood Ali: they really would get on if she could get over the whole man hate vibe Carly: ill bring him to the next rehearsal Carly: he thinks hes got what it takes Ali: 😏 Ali: I'll put my money on Mar Ali: poor boy Carly: steals my 🎸 every time he comes over Carly: i cant be impressed that you can play 2 chords baby boy I'm sorry Ali: 😩💦 Ali: even as relegated #2 I can do more than that Ali: promise Carly: me too & im only groupie #1 Carly: he still tries to teach me tho Carly: so boring Ali: 🙄 Ali: what a dickhead Ali: he just wants to be behind you to 'position' your hands, boys love that shit don't they Ali: I know how to play pool too so get off Carly: we should play my da taught me Carly: make some money & have some fun Ali: I'm down Carly: k Carly: cos i need to buy more 💊s he really did eat them all Carly: 😢😢 Ali: Babe Ali: I know a reliable lad Ali: invite him Ali: make it a party Carly: yea me & him been up since i saw you last how long ago was that? forever it feels Carly: be more fun away from site Ali: damn Ali: how the other half live Ali: I feel like I haven't had any fun since I last saw you Ali: get enough to take the edge of your comedown if nothing else or that'll be rough Carly: i wanted to invite u my baby but u kno how he gets Carly: hates that weve met Carly: ill make you feel good now promise Carly: hes had too much of my time Ali: worried that Imma tell you horror stories like you don't know him? Ali: backatcha 💚 Ali: swear Carly: yea he thinks my head's empty Carly: just a body like Carly: not that weve done school for years together or anything Carly: i kno i dont always go but boy come on Ali: you're miles ahead of him Ali: he only acts like he reckons that 'cos he don't want you coming to your senses and binning him off proper, like Carly: ur lil bro writes & reads better Carly: but hes a smart lil cutie Carly: what am i gonna do move the caravan in the middle of the night? no wheels is there Carly: stuck as fwb til he gets married his wife finds out & comes for me Ali: yeah he likes you too Ali: always chatting on when you coming 'round again so you know Ali: better hang some more, for his sake Ali: I know you got locks Carly: aw i love him Carly: always wanted a lil bro but my rents dont fuck no more so that ain't happening Carly: unless my dad knocks up someone younger Carly: u kno id lock myself out & end up round there Carly: ha Ali: lil blue pills don't fail us now Ali: ick Ali: should go to casa flamenco Ali: don't think she'd steal your stash Ali: oldies always have their own, the real good shit too Carly: that what ur calling it Carly: ill steal hers Ali: exactly Ali: 😍 #babe Ali: ronan who Carly: i do go older but not sure i could handle peeling back the wrinkles Ali: weak 😉 Carly: you seduce her for me, thats love Carly: & you wanna be under her anyway Ali: 'scuse you Ali: I'm happily married Carly: me too Carly: pimping me out to the older generation wasnt in the vows were it Ali: could've been Ali: you know how creative I am Carly: yea i do love that about you Ali: I 👀 you Ali: [runs up and takes some of the shit] Carly: [unnecessarily long hug moment because always] Ali: ['it does feel like forever'] Carly: [just rambling on about how much she's missed her & like all the compliments for how she looks/what she's wearing etc cos again always] Ali: [lbr she'd go all out for rehersals even so it would be a look, Ali lowkey fixing Carly up whilst checking 'cos was concerned but not gonna make it a Thing tm] Carly: [save her Ali she looks like shit rn & your gf don't need to be seeing her like that] Ali: [finishing by kissing her nose 'cos that is a thing] Carly: [😳 but really happy obvs & another hug cos they really have missed each other so] Ali: [walking and talking baby] Carly: [& letting Ali catch up with all the drinks Carly's had] Ali: [giving her the lowdown on the other bitches who are clearly not as scary as kstew] Carly: [you'd think she's not listening because 1. state of her & 2. how distracting Ali is in her lewk but she is] Ali: [is like soz it's boring but I'll make it fun] Carly: [she's like its not you're just pretty & also I'm saving you & making it fun] Ali: ['not about to beg but please do'] Carly: ['knew I should've locked that down in the vows' cos being flirty with it] Ali: ['too late now babe, 'less you make me wanna renew'] Carly: [is just like yeah okay will do, soz kstew but we know its true so] Ali: [turning up to your function, imagine kstews face oop] Carly: [Carly handing the booze out cos she's a babe while kstew talks shit on her by pulling Ali aside like we said] Carly: u want me to go? Ali: [Ali tryna explain but also being kinda over this mood like why can't she be here, u lowkey know why but you know] Ali: no Ali: don't Ali: I'll sort it Carly: k Carly: [Carly just drinking a little bit too hard cos the vibe is wrong & her anxiety don't need this thank you ladies] Ali: [just walking away and being like okay come on let's start 'cos can't argue if you're playing] Carly: [pissing about on some spare instruments while they're setting up cos awks] Ali: I've text the lad Ali: reckons 10 minutes 👍 Carly: 💙🌟 Carly: ty Ali: [ooh crimson and clover 'cos joan did it and it'd be a sexy moment so blatantly directed at carly] Carly: [Carly literally 😍 harder than her gf is, oops] Carly: [& so many compliments as soon as the song is over before kstew can get a word in, god bless] Ali: [gently/not being a patronizing dick with it showing her dance moves and stuff like getting her involved without being like you have to perform now lol] Carly: [k stew fuming like now the WARM UP is done we should play OUR songs we all know the type like excuse you everyone is having fun especially my sweet baby angel] Ali: [being like oh but I just learnt this song it's got a good bass bit we should do that, overruled lol] Carly: [has to go with it cos no argument she can make that won't sound petty as hell and not trying to look like that bitch in front of the squad] Ali: [doing electric feel for the gay sexiness] Carly: [Carly even more into it cos a song she knows cos lets say she don't know the glory of our cat song just because so its such a moment okay bye] Carly: [Marlene calling a 🚬 break immediately after cos fuming & that can also be when Drew comes] Ali: [as if you weren't fuming enough there's how a man here 😍 at your woman, also giving them droogs] Carly: [meanwhile Carly ain't noticed cos sharing a 🚬 with the prettiest & least intimidating lesbian perched on her lap like so cosy....way to kill Ali babe we know she's special but let her know please] Carly: [hops off to get her drugs but still a moment] Ali: [these other girls just stirring the pot rn lmao] Carly: [that girl being like you should come out with us & Carly's like yeah cos she's pure] Ali: you know this one's flirting with you too, yeah? Ali: 😏 Carly: ha Carly: shes nice Ali: yeah Ali: pretty cute Carly: u kno the dealer wants to fuck you tho yea Carly: hes pretty Ali: obvs Ali: his hairs a bit naff but yeah Carly: ur gf is gonna drag him out by it Carly: let me slip him my number first ty Ali: lol 🙄 Ali: better you have his, no Ali: 💊 Ali: idk why she's the fun police today Carly: k good idea Carly: [goes to get his deets] Carly: she's so mad Carly: u gotta love me more when shes not around Ali: i ain't done nothing Carly: shes jealous of me like i am of her Carly: two girls one 💙 Carly: [lowkey flirting with Drew before he gets thrown out] Ali: hmm Ali: maybe you can duel Ali: [helping herself 'cos they clearly got enough to go around 'cos Drew's easy lol] Carly: 😢😢 Carly: you want me to be killed Ali: don't be silly Ali: not very gentlemanly of her, she'd never Ali: for someone so punk she loves following rules you know Carly: y u like her or y ur bored? Ali: [casually loling at her phone like what you think] Carly: [a moment of eye contact soz kstew] Carly: y dont i kno this lad? Ali: idk Ali: he wasn't always that cocky Ali: maybe his pubes came in Carly: ha Carly: ill find out Carly: gotta b known as the school slag not the girl who pissed herself on the stage Ali: more catchy Ali: I get it Carly: u only remember our wedding day i kno but it tends to stick in everyone else's memories Carly: a day of bad vibes Ali: I remember you but not like that Carly: hope its not worse Carly: how you do Carly: [casually taking too many 💊 to deal with the bender she's been on with the gypsies, you know Drew will remember her like this] Ali: nah Ali: you were cute Ali: and nice when all these random english kids showed up Carly: cos you were cuter Carly: im always nice to the pretty ones Ali: 💘 Ali: s'a good line walsh, you get it off him n all Carly: 💔😢 Carly: i love you i dont need him feeding me those kind of lines Carly: we gotta crush some of these tho its gonna take forever to kick in Ali: only joking baby don't be sad Ali: [comes over and helps 'cos why not kstew already furious her band practice has descended into anarchy] Carly: [using a shoe she's wearing for once to crush pills casually but stops to put her head on Ali's shoulder cos is sad lowkey] Ali: [gives her top of the head kisses] Carly: [is smiling again & telling her how much she missed her again and all that good gay content while Marlene fumes in the distance] Ali: [whispers like sorry for the bad vibes and I am gonna fix this 'cos she knows it's been fucked but realistically don't know what she's doing about it yet 'cos where do we stand] Carly: [kisses her on the forehead cos that big brain always thinking & worrying & she know] Carly: u wanna 👃 or 👅? Ali: 👃 Carly: yea dont want a numb mouth Carly: no fun Ali: probably would help my throat but kinda 'bout that smokes and drinks a 40 a day vibe so Ali: soz to my nasal cavity in advance Carly: the 🍯 is coming as promised Carly: [puts enough powder in her hand for Ali to snort, how intimate excuse them like she could have used her own hand or any surface Carly but go off] Ali: you're sweet enough darling Ali: [soz kstew just gals being pals 'cos obvs returning the favour and 'holding her hair out the way' aka stroking it] Carly: [when you more about that intimacy than the drug you're trying to take] Carly: aw Ali: [moment being ruined by some kind of unignorable strop moment from marlene clearly so she has to go and have an argument brb] Carly: should i go now? Ali: wait for me Ali: please? Ali: outside if you like or whatever, I'm being selfish but Ali: I ain't staying either Carly: k Carly: [is outside quietly singing a little mash up of both gay covers while she waits, just little bits of lyrics she likes from each lol] Ali: [not tryna drag this out and clearly we can't let it get to let's break up point so] Carly: lets go have some real fun Ali: [when she comes out, resting her arms on her shoulders and spinning her 'round and 'round like let's go] Carly: [is loving life again bye bitches] Ali: ['we can do anything we wanna' means now but also like always] Carly: [is buzzing because her life is literally so stagnant already like what a welcome premise & hugs her cos that's what she wants to do, always gotta be touching] Ali: [and hand holding] Carly: [complimenting her AGAIN as they going along cos she's a really good singer tbf so] Ali: [chatting away 'bout the kinda music she wanna do and what the band is about and starting her own etc but also about how pretty Carly's voice is and how it's too precious for the stage anyway] Carly: [okay but after they've nerded out over music Carly be like 'wait for me' runs into a shop really quick & buys Ali some honey for real cos she that nerd & presents it to her really happily wrapped in her headscarf or something cos again nerd] Ali: [you know how buzzing and touched she'd be 'cos also that nerd, being like you're such an angel and imma get you something so special etc] Carly: [Carly like you gotta eat it tho & opens it right there like she gonna drip it into Ali's mouth if she don't how gaaaaaay, steals some with her finger too obvs cos cute but also accidentally sexy all the time] Ali: [winnie screeching in the distance] Carly: [gets a phone call from her mum & answers in this state cos no fucks given on either side & then turns to Ali like my turn to take you to a family bbq cos I think the contrast would be hilarious so we should but not now cos give them some alone time @ god] Ali: [is down 'cos she's not a snob unlike someone we know rosalin and she'd be lowkey about it 'cos any excuse to spend time] Carly: [ronan will 100% be there cos hilarious like you gotta fight him Ali tbh] Carly: [just rambling about how much she loves Ali rn though cos always] Carly: 💙🌟🐝👼🚀 Ali: [backatcha and dropping the charity shop plan] Carly: [is so down obvs like little kid levels of excited] Ali: [running thru the streets of dublin like babes] Carly: [god fucking bless] Ali: [charity shop crawl so wild like leave 'em be world] Carly: [like how pure that they think of cat lady Ro & kstew would never bitch] Ali: [probably making friends with all the nice old ladies in there/horrifying the old bitches tho too lol] Carly: [this is why Carly makes my heart hurt cos she'd wanna be friends but would probably horrify lol] Ali: [tbf they are high] Carly: [as per again let them live peeps its summer] Ali: [should steal something but like something really tiny and silly 'cos sinning and stealing from a charity shop is pretty bad in a cute way somehow lol] Carly: [but leaving shoes behind or something cos barefoot life so the universe is balanced] Ali: [and ali would buy stuff for 'em both but making sure carly knows this ain't THE gift 'cos wants to swag that lol] Carly: [okay but can they also come back to buy homewares for the caravan when she gets her own thanks bye] Ali: [absolutely, just window shopping rn how you do like 'when I have my own place' but saying we 'cos #married] Carly: [Ali can actually get one of the actual things when cos its still there, oh my heart]

analogical/royality

emo friend: if i ask you a question do you promise not to laugh

romano: no but I promise not to tell you if I laugh

emo friend: bitch

emo friend: whatever I’ll take it

emo friend: okay here goes

emo friend: (not laughing means not typing out lol or lmao either)

romano: rofl

emo friend: I am going to kick your ass

—————

little brother best friend forever: Afternoon, Patton. Are you available to chat for a few minutes?

Patton: always!!! what’s up, bud?

little brother best friend forever: I have the sort of question I don’t normally ask.

Patton: ooooh, what is it?

little brother best friend forever: You know that thing that you always want to talk about and that I never want to talk about?

Patton: OH MY GODO HMY GOD OHMYGOD

Patton: YES PLEASE ASK ME RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS OH MY GOD I AM SO READY

—————

emo friend: im serious though if you laugh I will delete all the contacts in your phone and let you figure out who tf is who

romano: woah ok serious talk time then. No laughing. Promise

emo friend: really promise?

romano: Cross my heart and hope to die

emo friend: do you think Logan likes me?

romano: bUAHAHAHAHA

—————

little brother best friend forever: Please control yourself. I’m embarrassed enough as it is.

Patton: right!!! Sorry!!! I’m being good :D what’s the question?

Patton: :D

little brother best friend forever: Will you be able to keep it to yourself if I tell you? It’s not something I want bandied about.

Patton: super secret!!!! I’m great with secrets!! Like I never told you that I was the one who spilled orange juice on your Sherlock Holmes book in second grade

little brother best friend forever: What?

Patton: what

—————

emo friend: ROMAN I STG

romano: Roman is too busy wheezing to come to the phone right now please leave a message

romano: oh my god dude you had me so worried there I thought this was something serious

emo loser: you’re such an ass. this is serious I’m serious does he like me

romano: no dummy he hates your guts obviously he’s just been pretending to like you all these years. It’s a long con

romano: virgil

romano: virgil you know I’m kidding right

romano: dude it’s been like five minutes I’m sorry I was kidding

emo loser: ok

—————

little brother best friend forever: I’ve been talking to Virgil lately, and he’s said some things that have made me think.

Patton: wow, made YOU think? That’s a new one!!!

Patton: jk you’re very smart and ilu

lover boy: Yes, well, you know I’m not the best at subtext, but even I have noticed the sorts of things he’s been implying.

lover boy: Without going into too much detail, I’ve been thinking about implementing some changes into mine and Virgil’s relationship.

Patton: OH MY GOD O HMY GOD OHMYGODOGMYGOD

—————

romano: Logan adores you, virge. You’re his favorite person in the world

emo loser: yeah?

romano: yeah, def

romano: what brought this on? Is something going on with you two? I thought you were solid

emo loser: no nothing’s happening it’s just. Idk I mean you know how I get with the

emo loser: thinking

romano: ah, yes, the thinking. and the overthinking?

emo bean: yeah and the overthinking

—————

Patton: OKAY SO HOW ARE YOU GONNA DO IT

Patton: WILL THERE BE FLOWERS

Patton: WILL YOU SING TO HIM!!!!!

lover boy: No, I won’t.

Patton: DO YOUVVHAVE A SPEECH PLANNED OR ARE YOU JUST!!! GONNA!!!! SPEAK!!!!!!!!! FROM!!! YOUR!!!!! H E A R T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

unromantic fool: Why are you yelling?

Patton: CAN I BE TGERE TO RECORD IT OR DO YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE PRIVATE

unromantic fool: I would prefer you not be there.

Patton: IF I CANT COME CAN I AT LEAST SET UP A CAMERA WITH A LIVEFEED SO I CAN WATCH AND RECORDBIT AND THEB WATCH IT AGAIN LATER

unromantic fool: Patton! It’s just a simple question; I’m not sure why you’re getting so excited.

Patton: HOW ARE YOU /NOT/ EXCITED IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY FOR YEARS OH MY GOSHNESS

unromantic fool: Well, that’s... actually a little sweet.

Patton: <3<3<3

—————

romano: so what exactly are you overthinking about today?

romano: I mean Logan obvs but Why

emo bean: I dunno we’ve just been talking a lot recently and he’s been kind of

emo bean: uh

romano: kind of what?

emo bean: .........

emo bean: ........................

romano: .....

emo bean: ............

romano: virgil what has he been kind of

emo bean: ........... flirty?

romano: holy shit

—————

unromantic fool: Well, I’ve put a lot of thought into it already. I suppose some of the excitement has worn off by now.

Patton: that’s okay!!! I will be excited enough for both of us :D

unromantic fool: That’s not how excitement works, but I appreciate the sentiment.

unromantic fool: Besides, it’s not exactly a life changing question.

Patton: it.... kind of is, though?

unromantic fool: No, not really. I’ll be happy if he says yes, but I won’t be devastated if he says no. His answer won’t change the way I feel about him, but I would never push him into something he doesn’t feel comfortable with.

slightly romantic fool: I want him to be happy.

Patton: I just teared up holy heck that’s so sweet!!!!! Ilu both and ilu together <3

—————

romano: okay wait, flirty how? Like different from his usually flirting with you?

emo bean: what do you mean his usual flirting with me? Logan doesn’t ever flirt with me

emo bean: this is a very new development

romano: okay I’m more than a little befuddled right now

romano: you’re saying you’ve been dating for three years and he’s never flirted with you?

emo bean: we’ve been what

emo disaster: roman we’ve been WHAT

————— 

Patton: sooo how are you gonna do it? have you thought it out?

Patton: ha that’s a dumb question of course you’ve thought it out

Patton: but have you decided how to do it yet?

slightly romantic fool: I have some ideas. I first just want to ask you... well, this is embarrassing. But you’ve known Virgil longer than I have. I don’t like to sound uncertain, but do you think he’ll respond positively?

Patton: you mean, do I think he’ll say yes?

slightly romantic fool: In a word.

Patton: yes!!!!!

slightly romantic fool: Yes?

Patton: YES!!!!!!!!

Patton: I CAN’T BELIEVE

Patton: MY BABY BRO

Patton: IS GETTING

slightly romantic fool: Patton, you’re thirty-seven minutes older than me. 

Patton: MARRIED!!!!!!!!!

Mr. Virgil Sanders: I’m sorry, what?

————— 

romano: dating....? 

emo disaster: wtf why would you think that

romano: because you aRE?? you two go on dates? and hold hands??? and talk about getting married literally all the time?

romano: how is that not dating

emo disaster: friend dates platonic handholding joking marriage proposals

romano: virgil are you shitting me

romano: patton and i have literally gone on double dates with you two for YEARS now

emo dumbass: THOSE WERE GROUP HANGOUTS

romano: wtf is wrong with you

—————

Mr. Virgil Sanders: Goodness, Patton, I think it’s a little too early in the relationship for that large a step.

Mr. Virgil Sanders: I know you’re a very excitable person, but do try to be at least somewhat realistic.

Patton: THERE IS NOTHING UNREALISTIC

Patton: ABOUT TRUE LOVE

Patton: IT’S BEEN LONG ENOUGH

Patton: I HAVE BEEN PLANNING THIS WEDDING

Mr. Virgil Sanders: What wedding?

Patton: FOR TWO

Patton: WHOLE

Mr. Virgil Sanders: What wedding, Patton?

Patton: YEARS

Mr. Virgil Sanders: WHAT WEDDING, PATTON?

Patton: YOUR WEDDING TO VIRGIL ALSO THANK YOU FOR JOINING ME IN ALL CAPS

Mr. Virgil Sanders: pat are you fucking high

—————

romano: virgil pls tell me you’re joking pls tell me you’re playing dumb

emo dumbass: roman i’m gonna lose my shit i stg im not joking logan and are not dating and we never have been

romano: HOW

emo dumbass: DO I LOOK LIKE I FUCKING KNOW

emo dumbass: I JUST WANTED TO KNOW IF I SHOULD ASK HIM OUT

emo dumbass: JFC THIS IS THE LAST TIME I EVER ASK YOU FOR ADVICE

romano: YESS OBVIOUSLY YOU SHOULD ASK HIM OUT BECAUSE HE WILL SAY YES BECAUSE YOU ARE A L L!!!! R E A D Y!! D A T I N G!!!

emo dumbass: BITCH,

—————

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: patton darling, have you spoken to your brother recently

pattoncake: yeah, I’m texting with him right now!

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: I am going to tell you something unbelievable but I need you to know that I would never lie to you

pattoncake: of course!!!!! I know that!!! what is it?? are you okay????

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: logan and virgil.... are not dating

pattoncake: umm? I’m literally talking to logan right now and he wants to propose to Virgil

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: W H A T

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: VIRGIL LITERALLY JUST TOLD ME LIKE TWO MINUTES AGO THAT THEY’RE NOT EVEN DATING

pattoncake: why would logan propose if they’re not dating?

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: did logan like, actually say he was going to propose?

pattoncake: yeah!!!!

pattoncake: well, noo

pattoncake: but he meant it

pattoncake: I think

pattoncake: oh shoot I may have misread the situation

pattoncake: you’re sure they’re not dating?

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: you are adorable and I love you

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: yes i’m sure

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: just casually tell logan that he should ask virgil out and i’ll tell virgil the same thing and we’ll see who does it first

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: i bet it’s logan

pattoncake: I’m not betting on our friends!!!!

pattoncake: besides it’s totally gonna be virge, i believe in him!!!!!!!

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: and you don’t believe in your brother? :O

pattoncake: aNYWAYS i’m gonna text him now ok bye ilu ttyl

—————

Patton: sorry, haha, I got overexcited! you should definitely ask Virgil out, he’ll definitely say yes!!!!

Future Mr. Virgil Sanders: You think so?

Patton: I know so!!!!!!! go for it!! I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!!!!!!!

Future Mr. Virgil Sanders: Thank you, Patton.

Patton: <3

—————

stupid fuckin asshole disney prince wannabe: seriously tho virgil just ask him out

fuckin asshole disney prince wannabe: he never shuts up about you

asshole disney prince wannabe: he’ll trip over himself trying to say yes

emo dumbass: ........................................ yeah?

asshole disney prince : yeah

actual disney prince: you got this, virge

—————

Virge: soo i have a question

smort boi: Virgil, can I ask you something?

Virge: lmao same text

Virge: oh shit sorry you’re typing

smort boi: My apologies, I just saw that you’re in the middle of typing something.

smort boi: Oh.

Virge: we’re so stupid oh my god okay you go

smort boi: You can go first.

Virge: LOGAN

smort boi: Really, I don’t mind.

smort boi: oh, we did it again

Virge: okay let’s just

Virge: at the same time?

smort boi: Yes, that might work.

Virge: okay so like... in one minute from the time you receive my next text, we’ll send each other our questions at the exact same time

smort boi: That seems doable.

Virge: GO one minute on the clock

smort boi: Virgil, would you like to go out with me on a romantic date at some point in the near future?

Virge: i really like you and i think we should be boyfriends or whatever if you want

Virge: OH SHIT

smort boi: Well, that was certainly serendipitous.

Virge: youre serious? no joking?

smort boi: No, no joking at all. I would very much like to be boyfriends.

smort boi: Or whatever.

Virge: and id like to go out with you on a romantic date at some point in the near future

smort boi(friend?): Well then.

Virge <3: well then indeed

smort boi(friend): Pizza at Sal’s? Friday at six?

Virge <3: uhhhh where else would i be on friday night at six? that’s been pizza night for years

smort boi(friend): Well, yes, but this time it would be... well, romantic. Because it would be a date. We would be dating.

Virge <3: you raise a good point

Virge <3<3: i guess i’ll see you friday then

smort boifriend: I’m looking forward to it.

Virge <3<3<3<3: me too my dude

—————

emo dumbass: okay he said yes i gotta go pass out later dude

—————

Future Mr. Virgil Sanders: HE SAID YES HE SAID YES OHMY GOD HOLY SHIT PATTON WE’RE GOING ON A DATE HE SAI D BOFRIENDS WE’RE BOYFRIENDS AHOLY FU CK

—————

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: we’re just the best, aren’t we?

pattoncake: yeah, pretty much

pattoncake: ilu

PRINCE OF YOUR DREAMS: ilu2 babe

Rambling about my new watchholder oc Mallory

* absolute gremlin child. Eats dirt. Probably more of a monster than most of the yokai.

* at the same time tho, she is like super sunshine friend! She looks kinda gloomy ominous but her personality is actually super bubbly and her biggest priority in life is making new yokai friends and loving them forever. Like, creepy in a wholesome way? She does indeed love horror movies and creepy crawlies and could probably fistfight god, but that doesnt mean she's evil!

* kinda always bored but also easily exciteable? One of her biggest recurring jokes is just ignoring the normal or sane solution to a thing and doing something more fun even if its more difficult or dangerous. Actually i guess its more "fearless" than bored? Or bored of fear, lol. Fearless and doesnt really give a shit about any rules. But again not in a mean way, she doesnt break rules because she wants to piss people off, just like "im not gonna believe this if nobody bothers explaining why its supposed to be so important". But not exactly phrased like that cos that would be rude, lol. So uhh more like just relateable autism feel of not grasping social cues but mixed with a personality thats quite outgoing and uncaring of being judged poorly for not being normal, as opposed to me who's always worried about what people think.

* oh wait thats the word for it!! Free-spirited! Trickster! Like a peter pan type of trickster tho, more than loki. Like just "i am naturally outside the obligations of normalcy" rather than "i am intentionally trying to prank/illusion/manipulate people cos its funny". Or uhh i guess "manic pixie dream girl" but without all the stupid shit that trope has got associated with.

* pretty much just wish fullfillment of "what if i was confident enough to not care what people think and just act like myself no matter what"

* anyway in summary she likes to climb trees n stuff and her reaction to yokai being real is "yay" and her reaction to seeing an undefeatable giant kaiju is to run at it and try and suplex it with her bare hands. She's kind of a badass! Tho lol also her biggest character flaw is her badassness, cos she can be reckless due to the lack of fear. But then also sometimes when everyone is hopeless she really does manage to save the day no matter what, and help inspire everyone else to be brave too!

* though i'm thinking of maybe a character arc where she starts off seeing this as just a fun adventure with no stakes, and it doesnt matter if you take risks cos nobody's gonna get hurt anyway. Like a "this isnt really real, its just my hero's story" sort of thing? When things start getting more dark and she faces things she cant just defeat with simple optimism, it kinda stops being fun anymore. And she has to realize that even if she doesnt care about her own self preservation there's consequences that could happen to her friends and family. And maybe she's already made mistakes that she can't take back, and now she's neck deep in a conflict thats a lot bigger and more insurmountable than she thought. You can't just fistfight something like the abstract concept of hatred for humanity which will continue to be perpetuated as long as the idea keeps taking root. And maybe even yokai you befriended could start to believe it too, after all you've kinda been treating them as just fun toys and sidekicks on a story that's all about you, and dragging them into danger with your recklessness. Even though you're fighting the villains, are you really doing it because you actually care about saving the day? Do you even know what you're saving it from...?

* and similar to her unflappable victoryness being shaken, i think her fearlessness and confidence could also be deeper than they look on the surface. I feel like maybe as the story goes on it could be revealed that its less being fearless and more just not caring about her own safety. You start to see her get more actual consequences from her fights, and it starts to become sort of concerning that she keeps brushing it off as no big deal. Laughing it off. Wondering why her friends are even sad that she got hurt. And maybe she isnt really happy all the time and 100% secure in who she is, she just tries to hide any signs of doubt because she feels like nobody would care. And that she has to always be the funny class clown or else nobody would want to be her friend. And like.. She doesnt even really believe that she's great, believe that she's fine as she is. She's more aware of her weirdness than she lets on. She's constantly, paralyzingly aware that everyone thinks she's a freak. She did use to try and change herself to fit in, but she kept failing at it and it never helped her get any friends. Or when she did think she made a friend they'd turn on her whenever she slipped up and showed a crack in her mask of the perfect normal person. The perfect normal person they wanted her to be.. Constantly changing into WHATEVER anyone wanted her to be. The only reason she doesnt do that anymore is that she lost all hope in it working, not that she actually gained confidence in her true self. And even when she's npt conciously doing it she's still subconciously trying to be what people want her to be. She has to always be funny, always be fearless, she has to cling to the few parts of her weirdness that people dont seem to hate. And now she has to be the hero. She has to carry all the dreams of everyone she's met along the way, while never letting them know when she's scared she wont be able to help make them come true. She's always just laughing it off and never being fully open with any of her friends, because she's scared they'll hate her. ..

* so uhh.. Yeah. Personal experience of that. Personal experience of trying to fit into negative stereotypes of autism because thats what everyone saw me as no matter how hard i tried, and also it was the only form of autism theyd treat positively, somehow. Like just be the "funny one" and dont challenge any of their assumptions ans they'll leave you in relative peace. Put up with some degree of degredation to avoid the even worse version. And i was doing all of this at a very youbg age before i even knew i was autistic or what autism was, but i could still feel how people treated me differently and how i had to friggin agree with it or else they'd never let it go. Gahhh.. It was all way too complicated and dark for a kid to understand!

* so yeah anyway her story arc is going from being a badass funny to being a funny badass? Like she just becomes more genuinely tough and cool when she's not always winning and the stakes dont seem so low and comical AND most importantly you know her real feelings and see that she will indeed continue fighting even when she's scared. And she doesnt try so hard to be cool all the time so it just lets her be more genuine. And form actual relationships with everyone with genuine feelings. So its less "she is badass because its funny" and more "she is a badass because she's a badass". But she's still funny, just in more varied ways than simply "the only reason she won this fight so fast is because jokes". Fighting legit threatening enemies in fights that arent over in five seconds. So they can contain... SEVERAL joke..!!! And also some actual fighting for once!!

* hhh i dunno i am very tired im probably not explaining this well

* oh and i think possibly she has a bit of a complex of feeling she's nothing without her yokai watch? Like the yokai are her first friends who never abandoned her. And she always felt like she was useless and it was her own fault that she didnt have any friends. She first started off being all irreverent and goofy when she got the yokai watch cos she was well into her "i dont care anymore" phase of depression and felt certain these new friends would all realise she was awful eventually and leave, so like.. Why get attatched? Just have fun while it lasts. So maybe actually she shows early signs of her depression by trying harder to be normal whenever anyone shows her friendship. Maybe something where she starts straigjtening her hair or dressing more feminine and then you just see this look on her face like her heart has shattered when someone agrees that she does look better now. (Maybe a new yokai she recently caught who was like super cool and she wanted to impress them?) And she gets compulsively obsessed with it, exaggerating it to a ridiculous degree and starting to change other parts of her appearance and everyone goes from giggling about this weird circumstance to getting REALLY DAMN CONCERNED! And in the end something something the yokai who was an asshole abput her needing to be more feminine slips up and shows his true assy colours to the other yokai and theyre like IT WAS YOU and he's like "what? You should be thanking me for fixing your shitty trainer!" And Then Everyone Beats Him Up Forever. Etc etc moral that real friends accept you for who you are and anyone who tells you you have to change to impress them is not worth impressing. Also maybe some aspect where the yokai dude thinks that mallory is trying to impress him cos she has a crush on him, and thats the moment that manages to snap her out of her depressive funk. Self hate overrided by sheer EWW NO IM A LESBIAN, DUDE i just liked ur cool hat, geez. (Wait was that entire plot idea just an excuse to find a way to foreshadow her getting a crush on hailey in yw3...?)

* and maybe i dunno some sort of dramatic episode where she loses the ability to use the yokai watch and is faced with her self worth issues all at once and its super fuckin sad and we all know eventually she will get to see all her yokai friends again cos the plots not gonna end before finishing all the games but still MEGA SUPER SAD MOMENT ANYWAY (also tearful reunions!)

* also i just heard theres a yokai called furgus thats a big adorable hairball that gives people big hair. So maybe that could be one of the comically easy victory episodes? He uses his power on mallory but her hair is already too fluffy to be floofed! Maybe it backfires and turns his own hair into a boring bowl cut, lol? And then maybe a sequel where he returns for revenge a million episodes later but it just so happens to be during the maddiman boss fight and he accidentally cures his balding. "Noooo dont thank me nooooo" *is forced against his will to become a popular advertosing mascot for hair cream* *like straight up just gets sucked into the nearest bottle and sealed like a genie* *cursed forever to fame and fortune and a million dollar salary*

* lol i dont think im as funny as the actual yokai watch writers but i have a few ideas at least. This will be fun to draw!

School Pres!Donghyuck & Secretary!You

summary: you and i work as a team and before our last year of high school we didnt really talk much outside of our meetings and preparation plans but now that we have i think i have a big crush on you

requested by: this lovely anon!! <3

(A/N) here it is bubs ! im sorry i made you wait so long :( BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR REQUESTING ! this trope really pulls at my heart strings cause i really b in my feels LMAOO but i hope you enjoy ! <3 (ps,,, she is unedited)

school pres!donghyuck

thats cute wow i love this already although idk how its going to turn uout because i always: wing it HAHAKDJSF

okay well!!! donghyuck being the school president would be a shocker to most because he doesnt seem like the person to go for a position like that

but hes actually really good at what he does

and thats scheduling all of the student council meetings, planning fundraisers, school dances, all the Great Stuff

but he honestly couldnt do it without his trusty secretary

which is you

youre his secretary

you write down all of his ideas cause he trusts you like that also cause he has no physical stability to do it himself smh

even though you guys are like,,,, attached to the hip in student council, outside of it you guys barely talk LMAO

but people seem to ship you guys

youve been the secretary for 3 years of high school and donghyuck was the pres for 2!

so you guys have a good dynamic

it was kind of awkward at first because you admired him from afar,, so like a crush,,, and you didnt really know how to act around him

 and you were used to the old school pres ,,, it was weird to just have a shift and a big change so quickly

but it was okay cause donghyuck had a great work ethic

before you two became the secretary and president, donghyuck had a lowkey crush on you too

i think thats why he has been just a bit awkward with you at first as well but both of u are oblivious

but then he got used to having you around and used to having 1 on 1 meetings with just the two of you guys

he saw it as an opportunity to get to know you but you??? you didn’t really talk much about your personal life

all he knew was that you hung out with that one sophmore and one junior, jisung and chenle

oh and one person from your grade, jaemin

donghyuck never really bothered with you after your first encounter LOL

like !! youre nice and all but you just talk to him for work purposes! but thats okay! cause its better than not talking at all no?

so you guys have one of those 1 on 1 meetings at the library about an upcoming fundraiser to fund prom (cause its a new year and u need to think quicc abt ideas so people can vote on the theme)

you guys talk for hours on end about preparations and what you guys want to sell

you guys decide on doing a bake sale because who doesnt like baked goods !!

so you and donghyuck set out a date to bake EVERYTHING 

and after the meeting hes just like, ‘its lunch now, do you wanna go somewhere with me to eat?’ and he smiles so sweetly 

this is the first time youre really looking at him too

he looks,,,, really good

and his smile? the sun cant compete n e x t

and youre like wow this boy handsome

but you agree on getting lunch with him because youre pretty hungry and idkmaybeyoucouldgettoknowthisfineman

SO you guys walk to a nearby food joint and on the way you guys are just chatting away and youre finally opening up to him

!! wow hyuck: head over heels his headass prolly in love by now LMAOOO

and then you get into the topic of how you guys came to be the secretary and president

hyuck says ‘i wanted to prove everyone wrong,,, they always say im a trouble maker or whatever so honestly i started out of spite but i love being the school president’

all you said was ‘oh’ but you nodded up at him cause its cool that he likes being it but its badass that he proved everyone wrong and Still Loves What He Does

so you guys get to the food place and you guys just joke around th e majority of the time

it feels like you guys have been actual friends since forever

when you guys go back to the library u guys forget about what u 2 were supposed to b doing

and then you open up your notebook and then-- oh yeah Prom Preparations and Fundraising

so then you and hyuck plan ahead that every other sunday you guys are going to mass bake a lot of sweets so you can try and sell them all on monday

and everyone has tasted your baking before,,, so they usually sell a l o t

so the following sunday, you meet hyuck at his friends cafe,,, cause it has a big kitchen

and then you guys get cracking cause you have a l o t to do 

half of the time you guys are throwing ingredients at each other but you guys Get Shit Done

you get to know hyuck more and you now understand why a lot of people have a crush on him

hes the sun!!! hes charismatic!! hes funny!!! hes got everything omg

his only flaw? he can’t frost a cupcake to save his life

youre just laughing at all his attempts but anywho

its the next day! so the first monday to sell sweets

you and hyuck made a schedule of who would be selling the cupcakes during what lunch period

you assigned jeno, jaemin, and mark for 1st lunch, then you, hyuck, and chenle, for the second lunch, and then for anyone who wanted to buy after school would buy from renjun and jisung

interesting that u guys would be selling together and have poor chonlu third wheeling 

ANYWAY

the whole bake sale was a success,,, you sold every cupcake and chenle was honestly just gagging the whole time when he was with you guys cause you two sat really close to each other and being r e a l l y friendly

chenle swore he could see u guys heart eyeing each other but whatever

‘just friends,,, okay y/n’ ‘shut up chinlin’ ‘hello??? yes, can i get some new friends’

so over the course of id say a few months??? you and hyuck are literally everywhere together

you guys plan together, you guys eat together, you guys do everythin g together

people are starting to think that you guys are dating cause,,, yall sure act like it

and i dont know maybeyoulikehimalotnowthatyouvegottoknowhimmore

maybehelikesyoualottoo

but you guys are just pining over each other and the dreamies are so s i ck of it

so they tell you guys that hey!! emergency council meeting in five lets all meet in the board room!!

you guys are just laughing on the way there about a stupid meme or something and when you walk in the dreamies are quiet and Looking At You Guys

‘what?????’ ‘nothing. absolutely nothing.’

you and hyuck are just like,,, well whats this meeting about???

so the dreamies are just quiet for a second, they all look at each other and nod their heads like they have some secret code

and they all stand up and renjun says, ‘we know u like each other,,, so we’regoingtolockyoutwointhisroomuntilyouconfessyourloveforeachother BYE’ and they all run out

you hear a click,,, you couldnt comprehend what the heck renjun said but now you did and youre both just frozen

so you just clear your throat and then you say, ‘i mean we might as well get some work done’ and you sit down

and hyuck just deflates a bit cause?? do u not like him??

POOR BABY SAY YOU LIKE HIM Y/N YOURE HURTING THE SUN’S FEELINGS

and then he goes, ‘haha right.’

and you could hear the shift in his voice cause hes a bit upset

and then you stop what youre doing and go,

‘listen hyuck, i like you more than a friend,, but i thought it was obvious? we were pretty much acting like a couple already so i didnt realy understand why i have to spell it out for you? i mean i understand if you dont like me like--’

and he kisses you

right on the lips

what a dream amirite kids

you could say that you just got,,,, sunkissed LMAOOOO IM SO LAMEKJGFJHSG

but you kiss him back cause you like him so much this means he likes you too!!!

when you guys pull back hyuck is just shyly grinning up at you and its??? adorable wow

and the dreamies all have their ears up against the door

so they hear everything

and chenle says ‘my parents!! finally!! are!! together!!’ and hes just so l o u d omg

and you and hyuck just burst out laughing and then it dies down after a bit an d hes just like,, ‘will you be mine : )’

‘course i will !! : )’

and so you guys just walk out of the room hand in hand

okay but your 1 on 1 meetings?? not a lot gets done

you know why?? hyuck is always staring at your face and is trying to kiss you 25/8

‘hYuck we need to actually do work thi-- Will You Stop Throwing French Fries At Me.’

and he just l a u g h s

‘oh yeah?? youre laughing now but how about when i say no kisses for a Week.’

and he just stops and sits up straight cause you give him The Look

‘suddenly i love doing work lets talk about our next fundraiser’

and you just chuckle and hold his hand

‘i think im in love with you.’

and hyuck freezes

he squeezes your hand and then he says, ‘im in love with you, too.’ and you guys just break out into big smiles

oof okay wow uwus: officially gone

school pres!donghyuck is a whole ass hard working sweetheart

im going oto end it here before my uwus spill out some more

hyuck! existing! in this trope! sign me up.

Masterlist

Dear Charlie,

Hi Charlie

I used to write to you all the time when I was 14 and 15, but then I stopped. I probably got lazy and I also liked seeing what I wrote be published in the days that followed and maybe you got too popular but I no longer saw them, maybe they got lost. Anyway, Im 19 now and little has changed. Looking back is so strange because it feels like there is myself and this sweet little kid who was just so fucked up so early on and I just watch her existence and its so clear no one will be able to ever save her and she may not even have the strength to do so for herself because thus far she hasn’t really changed things that could possibly make a difference. I mean Im out of high school now and have a job so in that sense Im more functioning then the last 6 years but nothing has really changed, its still me and that girl. I have tried hard not to victimize myself in the past few months and think Im doing well but honestly I miss being sad, I miss not feeling anything, I miss feeling everything, I miss being crazy, I miss cutting myself so much. I can’t do any of these things anymore because there seems to be no time for that. Not actual “time” but I can’t afford to keep being depressed because now Im older and if I don’t have some good experience or something good, actually good happen to me then I might lose it completely. I miss being a victim and don’t know how Im supposed to not be one when my life has gone to way it has. I cannot help it. I miss being myself so much. I can’t cut because every things pretty healed up now and I can’t wear long sleeves all the time again but I do miss it so much, Ive cut my leg a few times but its not the same. I don’t care if people think cutting is insane it made me so calm like how being in a still ocean feels.  I saw this movie that reminded me of my life, especially when I ws younger today, and then I was listening to some Elliot Smith a little bit ago and now Niravana, all 15 year old me things, or maybe forever me things I guess. Anyway, it reminds me of feeling all the pain. Its so rare I can feel everything the way I used too. Not that I always wanted to feel it, because I certainly tried hard not too and eventually started to exceed more and more. Anyway, I don’t see a therapist anymore because my last two were kind of shitty. I guess Iv done an ok job at distracting myself so far since the summer but its all still coverage and i feel myself cracking a bit. However now that Im not in school it doesn’t have to be a spiral maybe it will just hit all at once. I mean I guess thats how it always is but usually theres more of a build when I was in school. It was easy to tell I was about to lose it because It was a decent amount. I was just thinking how fucking crazy it was I was never in a hospital because I was so so so fucked up sometimes. SO suicidal and impulsive and it truly was just me and I would just stop the bleeding and go on with my day because it was all so normal.I guess a part of me  now wishes I had gone to a mental hospital because 1. i needed it very badly but no one was there to say that and 2. back to the victim shit, god I would have eaten that shit up when people found out I was there. It also would have made explaining all this shit (when and if I ever do which is super rare bc who ever wants to here about this shit) a little easier in the sense that everyone takes you more seriously when you say hospital in a sentence. Im sorry this is so long, Im sure I strayed from my original thought. Also I’m really slowly lowering my antidepressant and I doubt that could be why Iv been feeling weird lately and by weird I mean feeling anything at all especially like the way I used too or closer to it at least but I wonder if being without the meds especially the mood stabilizer would make me manic again like right deep were i have been, I mead if the meds are all that make me function that sucks. Id like to feel again, kind of often even the painful stuff because it feels good to know I’m alive. because it feels like i have never been a lot of the time. I miss being me, whatever that was. No one liked that girl anywhow, so i have to be the somewhat funny, reserved, somewhat positive me now, even though thats not me full and will never be. Im not sure, truly honestly not sure if I will ever get over thing things that have happened to me but I guess people don’t and you just keep living, like you said, life doesn’t stop for anyone. I love you Charlie and I miss you.

heres a list of like... cashier pet peeves & things to do to Not make ur cashier Fucking Miserable

bag ur fucking raw meat. listen u might think it looks clean but a lot of times its NOT. & not only is it like... nasty to touch but we also gotta touch other ppls food!! dont do that!!! ppl dont want fuckin cow blood on their apples ok

but also like?? dont put more than one per bag?? otherwise the cashier has to like dig through it to scan each one & it kinda defeats the purpose & also takes forever

if u have multiple of one fruit/vegetable/etc put them in a bag bc half that shit goes by weight anyway & its REALLY hard to weigh it when ur trying to put everything on the scale & it keeps catching the barcode & ringing it up before ur done. & then u like.. still have some left & also ur like wait did that last one get weighed w that or not? did it register weight from my hand when i was putting it down??

also like. even if it doesnt go by weight. put it in a bag. no one wants to pick up 20 individual oranges that keep rolling around on the damn belt

PLEASE when u do bag things keep different items separate even if theyre the same price bc it fucks up the inventory

i know the peppers are all a dollar but yellow peppers have a different plu than red peppers okay!!

also dont bag like... regular items??? we have a lady who always puts her yogurt in the produce bags like do u realize how hard that makes it to scan them?? esp bc theyre all different flavors so again we cant just scan one and do a quantity bc it fucks up the inventory

& my god if ur gonna buy fuckin. 30 bottles of pop & keep them in the cart MAKE SURE THEYRE NEAT!! we have to be able to count them!! i dont want to scan 30 individual bottles just like you dont want to put them all on the belt but we gotta be able to Actually See how many u have & im not risking my job over u stealing a bottle of pop accidentally or otherwise!! corporate doesnt give a shit if its an accident

also like... if ur gonna put one on the belt & say “oh i have this many” but u have like. different kinds please put up one of each bc again. inventory

also KEEP THINGS GROUPED TOGETHER it makes it a lot easier to bag shit. u dont like everything all thrown in bags randomly?? dont put it on the belt randomly!! group like ur cans ur cold shit ur produce etc etc please

but dont fuckin.. stack shit?? even if its not very high the belt Loves to push things around & knock shit over dont do it

also idk if other stores do this but where i work theres a part of the belt thats like narrower than the rest & it kinda slants toward the cashier & its supposed to like... guide the items along but its fucking GARBAGE & instead it just smashes shit. so PLEASE try not to put ur items wider than that narrowest part. its ok if like some things are a little bit over but like dont put it all the way to both edges of the belt!! things will get stuck or smashed. do not trust that thing it does not do its job

also!! dividers exist for a reason!! even if u think ur order is far enough away from the persons in front of u its hard to tell sometimes bc again, shit gets backed up & the belt pushes it all together

also if ur gonna leave things in ur cart try to make sure the barcodes are visible?? please dont make me flip over all of your six cases of pop bc the barcodes are on the bottom (which like, they should absolutely put it in more than one place but... they dont). just put it so the barcode is up or out or otherwise in a position that is easily accessible

dont put money/ coupons directly on the belt. it will eat them

try to have ur money ready?? i know sometimes u kinda. forget. but please try. cashiers are usually timed & when u take forever to pay it kinda... counts against us

also re: being timed please try to know what ur actually getting like...before?? u start to check out??? i know sometimes things add up to more than u initially expected but like. dont take five minutes to decide on each and every item u have. we do have price checks. please use them

god please put the fucking bags in ur cart as they fill up (also this doesnt rly... apply everywhere, but we have our bags on like a carousel where i work so if the store u go to has that dont reach over to a bag the cashier is still working on theres a reason they havent turned it towards u yet)

please if ur using reusable bags (which by the way we all fucking hate. just use the regular ones & recycle them. the reusable ones are a pain to pack) PLEASE PLEASE P L E A S E MAKE SURE THEYRE CLEAN god ppl come in w em & theyve got like... food spilled on em, theyre sticky, a lot of them have pet hair all over them like.... dont be that person okay

re: grouping things together, & this is kinda more directed at other cashiers but maybe dont... put like pet food w chemicals. i know a lot of ppl just group all the non food stuff together but like. it is still technically food. its not food for you, but another living thing is still going to consume that. if u wouldnt put it with YOUR food dont put it w ur pets food

dont complain that there are no registers open or the lines are long or theres no carts or a bunch of things were out of stock please we already know i promise u a thousand ppl before u have already complained abt it & weve already called the appropriate manager or department but there is nothing we as cashiers can personally do about it

if u ask to talk to a manager!! please say why!! esp if the cashier asks. dont just say “i want to talk to a manager” over & over bc the manager is probably Fucking Busy & usually its something that can be solved another way!! 99% of the time theres no need for them to get involved & it would be faster to get it taken care of if we DONT have to call them & have them drop what theyre doing to come & talk to you personally

dont try to sneak into a closed lane w a long line. we see you. & when we say “this line is closed” dont say “i was already here” bc no u fucking werent. if our lane is closed u better believe we are watching the end of that line like a fucking HAWK to make sure we get outta there as soon as fucking possible.

also please dont pull the “but i only have a few things!!” act bc i swear half the ppl who do that can never make up their mind on what they actually want. & also now i either gotta stay even LONGER letting ten other ppl w three things each into my line or look like an asshole for saying no to everyone else that just has a few items. i know ur trying to get out of here. so am i.

my god please if ur going to like the twelve items or fewer lane. 20 of the same thing doesnt count as one item. we cant do quantities on those lanes BECAUSE they are supposed to be a limited amount of items anyway so we shouldnt NEED a quantity option. just go to a regular lane

also dont try to go into one of those lanes w a bunch of shit?? if ur a couple items over its fine but like... dont be an asshole. “but all the other lines are long” isnt an excuse. u know WHY this line is short? bc the ppl in it only have a couple items & we can get them through faster. if u try to go through those lanes w a bunch of items ur backing up the line & deafeating the whole purpose. dont be an asshole!!!

god theres. so much more. but this is already So Long and i am So Tired. im gonna take a nap

:///

my dad was supposed to be on a business trip for two weeks, perfect timing to have a major breakthrough realization about our relationship and his ability to change (long story short: he was always this way, it was just easier for him to love me unconditionally as a kid, and it turns out he was even disappointed in me when i was kid, he just isn’t honest about that stuff (which hurts bc when i was a kid, i thought he was the only one who wasn’t disappointed in me)) so yeah, the last couple days have been really hard. im working on my relationship with him in therapy (well, grieving the loss of the relationship i thought we had and accepting that he is not the dad i grew up loving) bc he won’t work on it and i don’t want to be angry at him forever. he is very passive and i have only been able to tell him how hurt i am once (in an incident where he felt like it was a good idea for some reason to essentially say that donald trump is a better person than bruce springsteen and i lost my fucking shit and yelled at him for shitting on the person who got me through the hardest times in my life when he (my dad) wasn’t there, didn’t even know i was going through it, he is so fucking oblivious and really doesnt know me at all when you get down to it but yeah... he apologized and felt really bad and wanted to know what i was going through and wanted to know how he could make things right, that he would do what he could to fix our relationship, and i asked him to go back to therapy (things were better when he was in therapy, his family was super abusive and he is a severely wounded person, he needs to be in therapy), and he said he couldnt do that, so that was that) anyways that was a year ago and i have been trying to grieve and having been working on it in therapy but it is so difficult bc i do love him so much, he was the only one who i thought didnt think i was fuck up when i was a kid, that he loved me regardless of how much of a failure i was, and realizing that not only was all that a lie, but that person doesnt really exist has really been hard. i never thought i would be in this position and it breaks my heart. he is also very good at pretending things are fine and he thinks that his bullshit bare minimum effort to “get to know me” is enough, and he does “try” it just isnt enough for me at this point. but he is very endearing and innocent, a bit like a puppy, he wants things to be good, he is great at making it seem like everything is good, that he wants to be involved and it is honestly just too much for me most of the time. but bc i still love him so much and it is so easy to get sucked into his “everything is fine” mentality, i just feel like i can’t be around him bc it just makes me so mad and i don;t want to hurt him bc it is like hurting a puppy and he doesnt understand why im mad bc in his mind things are better bc he is “trying” and im mad bc im basically having to grieve the loss of my dad as if he is dead (bc he is in a way, the hope of that person coming back is the loss i have to grieve) so him being there being like “hows work?????” (which also of course he has chosen to “get to know me better” by asking me about work/school in a way that stresses the fuck out of me like thanks for askign me about exactly what i don’t want to talk about guhhh) is just infuriating bc he thinks he is working on our relationship and he isnt doing shit!!! and it just sucks but i don’t want to hurt him bc i love him ughh and i have a hard time allowing myself to express anger in the moment so i just keep it inside so that when it does come out it confuses the fuck out of people bc im still really fucking mad about our stupid donald trump/bruce springsteen fight bc that  is what spawned this whole new “interest” in my life and bc he doesnt know that i relate super hard to bruce’s issues with his dad and the mental illness in his family and that he (and my mom, thank god for my amazing mom) are the two people who give me any hope that i might be okay at some point and that it is worth it to keep fighting (and bruce has been in therapy for 30 fucking years and owes his ability to have any kind of happiness to that thnak you bruce) and comparing him with bruce he is just so not the person i want to be like in any way but he is so fucking righteous and judgemental that he has the nerve to think that he is better and that our fucking sociopath fuckhead president is better too like wtf!???? also he legit doesnt know any springsteen songs, it is just that bruce is a liberal so therefore a bad person in my dad’s mind and catholic so not a “good enough christian” to redeem himself for being a liberal (CAN YOU SEE WHY I HAVENT SHARED THE DETAILS OF MY LIFE WITH HIM??? THE FACT THAT IM A LIBERAL ALONE YOU CAN IMAGINE DOESNT HLEP) and i swear to god if anyone says to me again that i am “setting him up for failure” and “not giving him a chance” by not expecting him to change so help me god bc three of my friends have given me that fucking shit bc they all have met him and he is endearing and literally everyone always defends him when he is literally doing nothing, (and @ these friends excuse you for thinking you know better about my dad’s shit than me, my therapist, and my mom WHO IS A THERAPIST and has had 20 years of therapy mostly dealing with his toxic fucking family and how badly they fucked him up and continue to) LIKE UFH im the only one working on our relationship bc i actually want to have a relationship with him and the way things were headed i was probably not going to have one but no, im not doing enough..

sorry, it is just that im just so heartbroken that im even having to do this work and it is so hard and i just dont want to be around him rn i thoguht i had two weeks and he fuckign came home for the weekend and i am so fucking mad at him and i am so bad at hiding when im this upset and i just cant deal with him rn