#but they havent really been able to empathize so yeah | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ravs6709 · 2 years

Text

Won't You Shine With Me (Oh Distant Star Of Mine)- Hekster, Kam, Marelliana, Fedex

Act 1. Act 2. Act 3 (here). Act 4. Act 5. Act 6.

Or read on ao3 here!

Word count: 4.1k words

Act 3 to my revue starlight au! Act 3 will be focusing on hekster and marelliana. I got so stuck on the marelliana, though i havent written them before, so ig that's why. Hope it still reads as good (esp comparing to the kam revue last act when i went off)

Warnings: censored swearing, fire (no injury, but repetitive mentions of burning)

•~•~•~•~•~•

ACT 3

SCENE 1

-- Hey, come meet me, read a text on Stina's phone. It was from an unknown number, but...

-- Sophie? she asked.

-- Yeah

-- Where do I find you? And now? Class starts in five

Her phone showed that her text had been read, and Stina watched as the bubbles that showed she was typing appeared, only to disappear.

-- Sophie where do i find you?

No sign that her message was read.

-- Sophie

Stina sighed, putting her phone into her pocket.

"Everything alright?" Linh asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm ditching class though and so is Sophie."

Linh raised an eyebrow. "Okay, fine."

"I'll see you as soon as I can! Not sure when I'll be back!"

Stina dashed out of the hallway and out of the academy's campus. She pulled out her phone, except there was still no reply.

"Sophie, what the hell," she muttered.

You better not be wasting my time.

Her footsteps traced a path that she'd taken a couple of times every since enrolling at Foxfire. The path led her to an old building that was somewhat run-down. It was vacant—it was usually vacant, actually—and it wasn't hard to open one of the side doors and slip inside.

The building wasn't that big, just big enough to fit a stage and the equipment needed to put on a show, but not enough for a large-scale professional one.

"You got here faster than I thought you would," Sophie called out from the front of the audience.

"I know my way around the area," Stina replied, walking to the front. "It's also close to Foxfire."

"Really? It took me half an hour to get here."

"Your sense of direction is still that sh*tty?"

"First off, being five doesn't count, second... yeah."

A laugh spilled from Stina's lips, but then remembered her previous conversation with Sophie. She hadn't seen her since their conversation yesterday, and Stina went to sleep and woke up in an empty bed. If it weren't for the fact that she wasn't sure if she'd be able to fall asleep with Sophie next to her, she'd be much more disappointed that Sophie only came to bed after she fell asleep.

She reminded herself that things weren't like how they were before.

"So, what'd you call me here for?" Stina asked, taking a seat. "Did you hear I lost and thought I proved your point?"

She didn't have the courage to look at Sophie's face.

"Is that what you think I called you here for? Do you think I'd do that?"

"I don't know," Stina said, forcing her tone to be flat. "It's not like I know you enough to say."

"And you think I'd tell you that here of all places? This place where we—"

("Stina! Stina! Stina!" Sophie said, tugging her arm and shaking her back and forth. "Did you like it? Stiiinaaa!"

Stina was too busy staring at the stage. The actors were now bowing because the play Keeper of the Lost Cities had just finished, and she was in awe of what they had just done.

"Stiiinaaa!!!" Sophie wailed.

"Stop doing that!" Stina pouted. "I'm thinking!"

Sophie let go of her arm, now resting her head on her hand.

"I think the ending is too sad," Stina decided on. "The Telepath and the Empath don't get to see each other! Why'd the Telepath push the Empath! That's stupid!"

Sophie looked at her with wide eyes that were a little teary. "You didn't like the play..."

"Nooo don't cry!" Stina said, squishing her cheeks. "No crying! I really really loved it!"

Sophie frowned. "How much?"

Stina raised one arm up high and put the other down low. "Thiiis much!"

She gaped. "Really?"

She nodded. "Really really! And when we grow up, I want to be like those actors and perform with you!"

"...you want to?"

She shook her head really fast. "Yeah! Sophie, let's be stars together!"

"Promise?"

Stina grabbed her hands. "Promise!"

"Promise!" Sophie repeated, smiling. Her brown eyes gleamed in the light.

"Promise!" They said together, shaking their hands as they smiled so wide that their cheeks hurt.)

"—promised," Stina said. "Yeah, I know. I wouldn't have come here if I didn't."

"I thought you would have forgotten, after ten years," Sophie whispered.

Stina turned to her. "Are you stupid? Who do you think I am?"

"As you said, I don't know you enough. But I'd like to get to know you better. Know you again."

"What gives?" Stina asked. "You seemed fine being distant and avoiding me."

"I'm not—nevermind. I know you gave me your whole speech earlier, but what you had said, did you mean it?"

"I don't know," Stina replied. "I've had the thought for a while, but it was the idea that I promised you that stopped me from doing it. I mean, I didn't think I'd see you again."

"I didn't know you were here either," she confessed. "I would have come to find you, eventually, but then I found you here."

"The best academy in the country for the best actor," she said proudly. "If I couldn't get into here, then how could I become a star? How could I bring myself to Position Zero?"

Sophie nodded. "I'm glad you still mean it." A soft smile graced her face, and Stina instinctively started staring. Then the smile fell. "You can't afford to lose again."

She blinked. "What happens?"

"Failing the auditions means failure as an actor. It means losing everything. You're already in last place, you can't afford to lose again."

"Is that why you told me to quit?"

Sophie sighed. "Yeah, that's why."

"Well, I guess having that intro talk with Silveny like the others did would have probably been helpful."

"...yeah."

"Wouldn't quitting mean forfeiting, which is the same thing as losing?"

Sophie pursed her lips. "Well crap."

"It's fine," she said, standing up. "I don't plan to lose and give up so easily. I'm an actor, so I'll make a place for myself on the stage—as a star!" She jumped onto the stage and stared down at Sophie. "I'll work harder than I ever have before. The actor, Stina Heks is reborn!"

"Only one person can become the Top Star," Sophie said, looking up at her solemnly.

"Song! Dance! Compete! Shine! Brightest light! Become Top Star!" Stina said, mimicking Silveny. "That's what she said to me. The brightest light becomes the Top Star. Who's to say that two stars can't shine together to produce one light? If she doesn't specify one person, then does it doesn't matter."

"It can't be that easy." Sophie stood up, her eyes blazing. "That's too simple."

Stina leaned forward over the edge of the stage and extended her hand. "Why not? Don't overthink things."

Sophie's lips parted, then closed in a determined line. "Maybe you're right."

Stina nodded, and then Sophie ran up to the stage. She grabbed her hands and Stina pulled her up.

"We can shine together," Sophie said.

"Exactly."

They turned towards the empty audience, overlooking the two seats that they'd been sitting in—both then and now.

"We'll be stars," Stina declared.

"We'll shine the brightest."

After a few moments, neither of them could figure out what else to say.

"Since we're already ditching our first class, let's go out for a bit," Sophie said, already dragging her.

Sophie brought her to a shop. It was a small one, not very popular, but Stina still recognized the person who worked there, they were the person who worked there ten years ago, and was usually the one working whenever she came to visit.

The items that the shop had sold changed over the years of course, and she hadn't seen the hairclips that she and Sophie wore since they'd bought them.

("Oh, wow, pretty!" Sophie said breathlessly, staring at a hairclip with an alicorn on it.

She took the package and her mother, who had been standing off to the side because Sophie begged her to let her and Stina be alone, paid for it. Once Sophie had the paid-for hairclip, she opened the package, then held it in her hand with wide eyes.

"It's shiny," Stina said.

Sophie hummed, then stared at her. Sophie walked right up to her, brushed some of the curls out of her face, then put the clip on her. Stina blinked at her.

"It's a present for you!" Sophie said.

Stina usually didn'tlike when people touched her hair, but Sophie was an exception. She could still feel warmth from where her hands had touched her forehead.

Sophie took her by the arm and took her to a small mirror.

"It looks good on you!" Sophie said.

Stina smiled, then frowned. "I thought you were buying it for yourself."

Then, with a strong sense of purpose, Stina marched to the shelf where Sophie found the clip. There was one with a bird on it, mostly silver but with various shades of blue on it. She looked at Sophie's mom who paid for it. Stina opened the package and strode up to Sophie, brushed her hair aside and put the clip on.

Stina nodded in satisfaction. "A reminder of our promise."

Sophie nodded vigorously. "Yeah!")

Neither of them bought anything this time, but that didn't matter, because it was clear that Sophie remembered this much, and her heart was pounding with warmth.

Sophie brought her to the next location, a local ice cream truck. She bought Stina an ice cream cone—her favourite flavour from back then, and Stina was touched by the fact that she remembered which ice cream flavour to get that she didn't have the heart to say that her favourite flavour had changed.

"How long did it take to plan this?" Stina asked.

"Hours," Sophie sighed. "And that was with using a map on my phone."

"Speaking of phones, did you leave me to figure out where you were on purpose?"

Sophie smiled sheepishly. "Uh, my phone died."

She laughed. "Seriously?"

"Yeah... sorry, didn't mean to leave you on read. I'm just glad you knew where to find me."

I may not know who you are now, but I know this much about you. The value our promise holds. The promise has always been too important to me. You've always been too important to me, were sentences that she thought, but couldn't bring herself to say all of a sudden. Instead, she settled for a neutral hum. She ate her ice cream in a comfortable silence until she received a text from Linh.

-- Forkle says auditions for KOTLC start tomorrow -- Also he's not happy you two ditched

--Well we're not coming back until after school

"We're not?" Sophie asked, reading over her shoulder.

"I don't feel like hearing a Forkle 'you kids' lecture again," Stina replied. Really, what she meant was I'd rather spend the day with you, and it seemed that Sophie knew what she meant, because she took her hand with the softest of smiles.

SCENE 2

"You're cancelling our practice session?" Biana asked.

"Yeah, I've got something to do," Marella said. Well, she didn't actually. "We've been practicing every day for the past week. It's not like you're my girlfriend that we need to practice together every single day." Marella stared resolutely at her as she said that.

You are the one who broke up with me. So why does that matter to you?

"Well, partners shouldn't force themselves to be with the other every single day either," Biana replied, not even flinching.

Damn it, it was like Marella was the only one who still felt the attraction, and now Marella had to bring it up and make the matter worse.

"Then why are you upset?"

"Auditions start tomorrow, and you're not going to take it seriously?"

I'm taking it plenty seriously, you just glow so bright you refuse to see the other lights, she thought bitterly. "Does that matter to you?"

"I'd like to see you in one of the lead roles," Biana said, as if that meant nothing to her.

As if the two of them hadn't sat down on the floor of their room, holding a copy of the script so they could memorize their lines, talking about how romantic the lines seemed, discussing their favourite parts. The playwrights apparently hadn't meant for the play to be read romantically, but they weren't opposed to it either, so her and Biana pretended that it was.

Do you know what you're saying? Are you serious?

"I'm aiming for the role of the Telepath," Marella said.

Those teal eyes of hers wavered. The Telepath was the role that Biana had gone for last year—only for Fitz to be the one to make it—and she was sure that she would aim for that role again. If they competed for the same role, it was unlikely that one of them would get the role of the Empath if neither auditioned for it.

"I guess we'll see who makes it," Biana said at last. "I'll head back to our room, if you don't mind."

As Biana turned to leave, both their phones rang with an identical ringtone.

"Looks like we wouldn't be able to practice anyways," Marella said. "I might see you down there."

SCENE 3

"The star's light shines brightly, To see one more beautiful than me is unlikely. I am Foxfire student, Biana Vacker! You'll never see a star shine brighter than me!" Biana took out her twin daggers that glinted in the light.

Standing there, like that, Biana stood on the stage as if she belonged.

"Stars shine bright until they blow, My burning passion will forever glow, I am Foxfire student, Marella Redek! We'll see which star burns out first!" With a wave of her hand, she brought out a fan.

"That's an interesting looking fan you have," Biana commented. "No flair to it at all though."

Marella hadn't fought her yet, but had heard from Linh who'd fought her on the first day.

(She'd forced herself to sound neutral as she asked. She couldn't risk sounding too excited, and she couldn't sound too irritated, because while their friends knew that Marella was upset at Biana, both her and Biana tried to make it look like as they were at least kind of friends. Which they were, they were roommates who needed to be able to tolerate each other's presence. But they also weren't.)

Marella had learned that Biana's way of taking control of the stage tended to allow her to stay invisible. There was no guarantee that she'd try the same thing again, but Marella kept her guard up.

"It suits what I want," Marella replied. Her fan wasn't really a traditional fan at all, there was no leaf, only the skeleton. She didn't take her eyes off of Biana for a moment. She was lightly swaying, her hands adjusting the grip she held on her daggers, her eyes looking around as if planning her move.

Paying too much attention was a mistake.

It was as if Biana had completely disappeared, weaving in between particles of light.

"There was a time when two stars shined together."

Biana appeared in front of her, swinging a dagger, and Marella could barely fold her fan in time to block it. She huffed. Is that how it is? That's what you choose to sing about?

"Those two stars had promised to shine forever," Marella continued. Two can play that game.

"But then what had happened in the end?"

"The answer to that varies and depends," Biana finished.

☆ REVUE OF VOWS ☆

"What the hell are you talking about?" Marella asked. "It depends? You and I both know what happened."

She was hoping that Biana would show some kind of reaction; freeze or hesitate or act brashly in irritation, but instead, she continued moving so gracefully, and Marella struggled to keep up with her. Well, it was always like that, wasn't it?

"I wonder if a light like ours was ever meant to shine."

"You're being misleading!" Marella snapped, blocking one dagger and then the next, trying to keep herself calm against the beautiful storm that was Biana Vacker.

"Or that was what I'd thought for a long time."

An attack, a block, then it was repeated again and again. Two fires burning, and one would inevitably devour the other. Marella knew that Biana was the brighter star, the harsher flame, the better one, but that didn't stop her from wanting to show herself, show that her shine mattered too.

"I wondered if two stars could combine as one, If their shared light could shine brighter than the sun."

Marella opened her mouth to demand more, to demand why Biana chose to sing about this, why Biana sounded almost desperate, but she kept her mouth shut.

"In a world where each star must shine the brightest, In a world where we must climb the highest, What am I meant to do to rise to the summit?"

"So what?" Marella asked. "So. What. Did our friendship in middle school mean nothing to you? Did the time we dated last year mean nothing to you? Was I just an obstacle for you to clear, for you to leave behind? I'd like to remind you that you've always been better than me, so what is your problem?"

"With someone who refuses to commit?"

The stage began shifting, trapdoors opening around them so large mirrors could be brought up, surrounding them. Dozens upon dozens of reflections were flooding her vision, enough reflections of purple and orange that she was completely disoriented. Which person wearing purple was the real Biana? Marella could only whirl around and guess, blocking each swipe of a dagger, leaning back to avoid the other.

"To the journey, the climb, the brutal way up."

Round and around and around they were spinning, spinning, spinning. Block and parry, go for an attack, dodge and retreat. They all felt like moves to a long, drawn-out, elaborate dance, and Marella was only now learning how to dance. Each reflection drew her gaze, her eyes drawn to every angle of Biana Vacker.

"It's all I can do to reach greater heights, Move on, move forward towards the light."

The constant spinning only made her head ache, but Marella thought that there was almost some sort of explanation in what Biana was singing. Not much, but it was more than what Biana had offered back then, when they'd broken up at the end of their first year of Foxfire.

Still—singing, an explanation, it wasn't enough for her. A vague explanation didn't erase what had happened, it didn't erase the pain she felt hearing Biana tell her that she wasn't good enough. It didn't erase the heartbreak, and nothing ever would.

Biana, Biana, Biana, singing, dancing, everywhere she could see. Overpowering, dazzling, blinding, how could Marella compare?

She closed her eyes, letting the world go dark. It felt like her other senses were heightened, able to hear Biana's light footsteps rather being confused, confused, confused by her. The slightest movement, and she could block an attack with her fan. The confusion, the shock, the disbelief, Marella could work through it like this, could think about it without being overpowered.

It was a little more freeing, really, the speed she could dance now that she was blocking everything out. Her fingers tingled with warmth, spreading to the rest of her as if she were on fire. With a deep breath, Marella opened her eyes and bright purple had been replaced with orange in all the reflections, a bright, burning light, and she really had been set ablaze.

A quick spin, and a flick of her wrist, and that fire was bursting all around her, hitting the mirrors. They charred, they cracked, they shattered into ash and dust. Small pillars rose all around the stage; in each a flame that had been lit.

"Marella, that's dangerous!" Biana said, the first words that she had spoken since she'd began singing.

"You wonder why you can't make the ascension, How could you when you're filled with indecision?"

Marella sang, thrusting her fan into the fire, watching as the points at the end of the fan stayed lit.

"Marella, what are you doing?" Biana asked.

"Just pick something already, just make your choice, Don't give me false hope with your siren voice."

"Marella!" Biana called out. "What are you doing?"

Marella charged forward, attacking Biana with all she had in her bright, burning glory. A star shining at its brightest, an explosive supernova. The fire burned, it scorched.

"Everything we have now, are you going to burn it all until there's nothing left?"

"You can't make it to the top if you keep acting like that, Stoop down to my level, or continue your combat, Just learn to pick one!"

"I don't know what you mean by that."

Fire licked at her heart, pumping faster and faster.

"Shatter my heart, and leave me behind, Or turn away from the light, our hands intertwined."

"Does it have to be one or the other?" Biana asked, then opened her mouth to sing.

"Must all my options leave the world to burn to dust? Can't I rise to the top, and still have your trust?"

"Now you ask that," Marella muttered, a wry smile forming on her face. "Shouldn't you have thought about that in the beginning? We wouldn't have to be doing this if you decided to ask me, or did literally anything else."

The fires flared brightly, then began to dim, similarly to how the brightness of a supernova preceded the star's death.

"Shatter my heart, and leave me behind, (shatter your heart) Or turn away from the light, our hands intertwined. Just learn to pick one! (I refuse to pick one!)

"Oh, and by the way," Marella said, and her fan cut clean through the golden thread that held Biana's jacket, "you never did lose my trust."

Biana's jacket fell to the floor. All the flames went out, and all the charred mess her flames had caused disappeared, leaving a blank slate for a stage.

"Position Zero!" Marella declared, folding her fan so she could jab it into the ground. "This is Marella Redek!"

"Audition five! Over!" Silveny announced. "Marella win!"

The curtains closed.

"The flames didn't burn me," Biana said.

Marella raised an eyebrow.

"It didn't sound like you want nothing to do with me anymore," she explained.

Marella sighed. "Fires aren't just about destruction, did you forget that?"

Her eyes widened. "I'm sorry, for everything. I never said it before, but I do mean it."

Marella sat down, turning away from her. "Fires' cleansing and all that sh*t aside, that doesn't erase the things you said to me, back then. It doesn't erase the fact that you told me I wasn't good enough."

"I know," came a whisper that sounded so much nearer.

Marella could feel a presence near her back as Biana presumably sat down, but they didn't make any contact.

"I regret every word I said to you. I should have never ignored your brilliant shine like that, solely because I was afraid of being able to move forward, because of my own insecurities. You didn't deserve that. Do you think it's possible to start our relationship anew?"

"You were right in some ways," Marella said, looking forward, staring at a wall. "I wasn't trying to be the best actor I could be. I worked so damn hard after that, trying to prove myself that I could shine as bright as the pretty Biana Vacker."

"And you did."

"But even if my shine wasn't as brilliant as it is now, I still wouldn't have deserved to hear what you had told me."

A pause, a breath. "You're right about that. It's not your light as a star that attracted me to you, it was you at your core. Bright light or not, you deserved better, and I want to do better for you. So, Marella, do you think we can start over?"

"I don't know," she confessed, even though her heart screamed at her to just say yes, yes, yes!

"Okay. I won't pressure you, and I don't blame you."

Marella closed her eyes and sighed. "It's not a no. Just... let me think about it, okay?"

Biana's voice was filled with relief as she replied with "Okay."

After all, despite not facing each other at all during this conversation, sitting back to back, they'd been holding hands the entire time.

☆ LEADERBOARD ☆

1. — Fitz Vacker

2. ↑ Keefe Sencen

3. ↑ Marella Redek

4. ↓ Biana Vacker

5. — Linh Song

6. ↑ Sophie Foster

7. ↓ Tam Song

8. ↑ Stina Heks

9. ↓ Dex Dizznee

☆ ☆

•~•~•~•~•~•

Kotlc taglist: @keefeinnit , @my-swan-song , @impostertamsong , @subrosasteath , @when-wax-wings-melt

Want to be added/removed from the taglist? Just let me know!

#stina heks #sophie foster #hekster #marella redek #biana vacker #marelliana #kotlc #keeper of the lost cities #kotlc fanfiction #ravi writes a thing #won't you shine with me (oh distant star of mine)

6 notes · View notes

howling--fantods · 7 years

Text

:///

my dad was supposed to be on a business trip for two weeks, perfect timing to have a major breakthrough realization about our relationship and his ability to change (long story short: he was always this way, it was just easier for him to love me unconditionally as a kid, and it turns out he was even disappointed in me when i was kid, he just isn’t honest about that stuff (which hurts bc when i was a kid, i thought he was the only one who wasn’t disappointed in me)) so yeah, the last couple days have been really hard. im working on my relationship with him in therapy (well, grieving the loss of the relationship i thought we had and accepting that he is not the dad i grew up loving) bc he won’t work on it and i don’t want to be angry at him forever. he is very passive and i have only been able to tell him how hurt i am once (in an incident where he felt like it was a good idea for some reason to essentially say that donald trump is a better person than bruce springsteen and i lost my fucking shit and yelled at him for shitting on the person who got me through the hardest times in my life when he (my dad) wasn’t there, didn’t even know i was going through it, he is so fucking oblivious and really doesnt know me at all when you get down to it but yeah... he apologized and felt really bad and wanted to know what i was going through and wanted to know how he could make things right, that he would do what he could to fix our relationship, and i asked him to go back to therapy (things were better when he was in therapy, his family was super abusive and he is a severely wounded person, he needs to be in therapy), and he said he couldnt do that, so that was that) anyways that was a year ago and i have been trying to grieve and having been working on it in therapy but it is so difficult bc i do love him so much, he was the only one who i thought didnt think i was fuck up when i was a kid, that he loved me regardless of how much of a failure i was, and realizing that not only was all that a lie, but that person doesnt really exist has really been hard. i never thought i would be in this position and it breaks my heart. he is also very good at pretending things are fine and he thinks that his bullshit bare minimum effort to “get to know me” is enough, and he does “try” it just isnt enough for me at this point. but he is very endearing and innocent, a bit like a puppy, he wants things to be good, he is great at making it seem like everything is good, that he wants to be involved and it is honestly just too much for me most of the time. but bc i still love him so much and it is so easy to get sucked into his “everything is fine” mentality, i just feel like i can’t be around him bc it just makes me so mad and i don;t want to hurt him bc it is like hurting a puppy and he doesnt understand why im mad bc in his mind things are better bc he is “trying” and im mad bc im basically having to grieve the loss of my dad as if he is dead (bc he is in a way, the hope of that person coming back is the loss i have to grieve) so him being there being like “hows work?????” (which also of course he has chosen to “get to know me better” by asking me about work/school in a way that stresses the fuck out of me like thanks for askign me about exactly what i don’t want to talk about guhhh) is just infuriating bc he thinks he is working on our relationship and he isnt doing shit!!! and it just sucks but i don’t want to hurt him bc i love him ughh and i have a hard time allowing myself to express anger in the moment so i just keep it inside so that when it does come out it confuses the fuck out of people bc im still really fucking mad about our stupid donald trump/bruce springsteen fight bc that is what spawned this whole new “interest” in my life and bc he doesnt know that i relate super hard to bruce’s issues with his dad and the mental illness in his family and that he (and my mom, thank god for my amazing mom) are the two people who give me any hope that i might be okay at some point and that it is worth it to keep fighting (and bruce has been in therapy for 30 fucking years and owes his ability to have any kind of happiness to that thnak you bruce) and comparing him with bruce he is just so not the person i want to be like in any way but he is so fucking righteous and judgemental that he has the nerve to think that he is better and that our fucking sociopath fuckhead president is better too like wtf!???? also he legit doesnt know any springsteen songs, it is just that bruce is a liberal so therefore a bad person in my dad’s mind and catholic so not a “good enough christian” to redeem himself for being a liberal (CAN YOU SEE WHY I HAVENT SHARED THE DETAILS OF MY LIFE WITH HIM??? THE FACT THAT IM A LIBERAL ALONE YOU CAN IMAGINE DOESNT HLEP) and i swear to god if anyone says to me again that i am “setting him up for failure” and “not giving him a chance” by not expecting him to change so help me god bc three of my friends have given me that fucking shit bc they all have met him and he is endearing and literally everyone always defends him when he is literally doing nothing, (and @ these friends excuse you for thinking you know better about my dad’s shit than me, my therapist, and my mom WHO IS A THERAPIST and has had 20 years of therapy mostly dealing with his toxic fucking family and how badly they fucked him up and continue to) LIKE UFH im the only one working on our relationship bc i actually want to have a relationship with him and the way things were headed i was probably not going to have one but no, im not doing enough..

sorry, it is just that im just so heartbroken that im even having to do this work and it is so hard and i just dont want to be around him rn i thoguht i had two weeks and he fuckign came home for the weekend and i am so fucking mad at him and i am so bad at hiding when im this upset and i just cant deal with him rn

#me #and i was feeling a bit better today and didnt need to cry at all and now im fucking sobbing again #sorry for being so dramatic i just needed to get this out and i dont expect people to understand im sure it seems really dumb and trivial #i guess a lot of people's dad's are disappointed in them (which is shitty btw bc all my friends deserve better than that)#but they havent really been able to empathize so yeah #just needed to vent

11 notes · View notes

wickymicky · 4 years

Text

you know, i used to say that Egoist or Hi High were my number one favorite kpop songs (it went back and forth, i think i was most vocal about Egoist being my number one but there were times when i felt like it was Hi High), but like... idk... like aside from So What, i feel like i’ve barely listened to Loona at all so far this year, and honestly it’s been like six or seven months, maybe eight or nine, since i regularly listened to Loona every day (again, aside from So What).... i’ve listened to Egoist, a song that i considered my favorite kpop song hands down for the majority of the time i’ve been into kpop, like ten times this year and that’s it... and some of those times were because i had the thought “oh jeez i havent listened to this song in a long time, i should do that... i’m betraying it...”

i wonder if i only kept saying/thinking that egoist is my favorite kpop song because i said it once and i had to stick to it... i think its pretty clear to any mutuals i have that my actual favorite kpop song is something like picky picky though, a song i actually post about all the time and listen to really frequently...

so yeah, there’s no easy way to say this, but it really feels like i’m hanging on to Loona out of a sense of loyalty more than anything else :( it’s hard to put into words but listening to Loona feels kinda different these days. knowing more about how they decided things on the fly and how rushed the selection of the final members was (and how little the members were told) kinda... like... doesn’t it change how you listen to a song like New or Egoist? it certainly gives a lot more context to Yves being really shy in those first loonatvs she was in... and Olivia’s experience with her debut was such a whirlwind, like, she was just kind of thrust into the group... i have soooo much respect for all the members for being able to handle it, and i think it’s a fuckin miracle that it worked and they ended up with twelve incredible members, all of whom are so talented and any group would be lucky to have them, but even still just... some of the fun is lost a little bit for me. and I can’t listen to Everyday I Love You, one of my favorite Loona songs, without thinking of how much Vivi’s potential has been wasted. it turned a song that i have fun while listening to into one that makes me frustrated or sad.

for whatever reason, i feel less of that when listening to ot12 stuff, even if some members get shit for lines, tho tbh, and this is a really hot take and i’m sorry... but i’m really mostly just into their three title tracks (and Favorite i guess), i rarely listen to their bsides.. they don’t hit me the same way, i guess. anyway though it’s the predebut stuff that makes me frustrated or sad. i cant help but empathize and think of what they must be feeling in the predebut era... happiness and excitement sure, but also nervousness, anxiety, stress, etc... the one by one debut concept was novel and it ended up working out in a sense, but at what cost? it was able to work out because the yyxy members were brought in at the last minute, Hyeju literally with only like 24 hours before they were gonna reveal the next member, and with all the changes we know about like Vivi probably being intended to be in OEC and things like that, and trainees that BBC had who for whatever reason ended up being rejected also probably at the last minute in favor of the yyxy members who were brought on... sigh... idk

it feels like it’s getting harder and harder to be a fan of this group, too. as they get more popular and more recognition, the fandom is growing, and with that comes a lot more drama, none of which i particularly care about (aside from the stuff relating to the group itself, as i’ve been talking about). they got their first win, and i was happy at the time, but... i’m worried about their future. it’s not that i wish they didnt get their first win, it’s just... i hope this doesnt make BBC feel validated in overworking and over-controlling them, you know? i want to believe that a lot has changed for the better since after Butterfly, especially when Jaden Jeong left, but we just have no way of knowing that for sure. there’s evidence for both sides, so at the end of the day, all we can do is speculate, and that doesnt really help anything.

it sucks to admit this to myself but i feel like i’m losing interest in this group because of all this. whenever i’ve watched loona content from the So What era, sometimes they do seem happy, but even then there’s this feeling that they’re stressed and tired. are they happy? again, we can only speculate, so it’s best not to, but i cant stop my idiot brain from assuming the worst and picking up on signals that might not even actually be there, it’s just confirmation bias. maybe i only feel like theyre not at 100% because i’m already worried theyre not at 100%, you know? hmmm. also, i just... don’t think i feel the same connection with this group that i used to. maybe i never really did, tbh. they were my first group, my introduction to kpop, and i genuinely love some of their stuff still, but i feel like as i’ve gotten sooooo much more understanding of this whole kpop industry and i can put loona’s discography in context with aaaaaallllllll the other kpop songs i’ve listened to.... i feel like a lot of their stuff hasn’t aged as well as i would want, for me. you know how sometimes you wonder how much of what you like is really stuff you like, and how much is only because other people like it so you subconsciously feel you have to too? well, at first i would have said i genuinely love all of it and i could explain why, but idk i think i was convincing myself of some of it... as ive found more stuff that i genuinely love, it becomes clearer what are my things and what arent, you know? when i only knew 30 kpop songs and had 5 super-favorites, it was easier to overestimate some things, but now that i know hundreds and have a really deep pool of super-favorites, some of that early stuff i found is overshadowed, i guess. maybe egoist isnt as special to me anymore cause like.. at the time, i hadnt heard many kpop songs like it, but now... i have. and some of them do what it does just as well................. if not better............... sigh, i feel like im punching my past self in the gut

if this hurts you to read cause you’re a huge orbit, trust me, i know what you mean, it hurts to admit this. it kinda sucks to realize that you’re slowly losing interest in something you once loved and was incredibly important to you.

oh and by the way, when i talk about losing interest, i dont mean that i dont care about loona anymore lmao, i just mean theyre going from my number 1 or 2 or 3 spot down to like my number 5 or 6 or 7 spot haha, alongside other groups that i like a lot but don’t follow the same way i follow my ults. so like even if i continue feeling this way about them, theyre still one of my favorite groups lol. like i guess i would kinda place them around where i would place twice or another group like that in my top 10? anyway... i just had to get this all off my chest. it started out being a post just about egoist and kinda hi high too, but then i realized i had a lot more to say haha, sorry. hopefully this doesnt upset anyone, idk, i hope you understand where im coming from :(

#ive realized the exact same thing about fromis 9 too.. theyve actually been hit harder by this than loona for me #but thats not as much of an existential crisis lol #for me #long post #really long post #writing #personal #and before anyone says that its not a big deal and i can like whatever i want.... i know that #it kinda is a big deal to me though and genuinely makes me feel like im betraying my roots lol #even tho ive only been into kpop in general since like february 2019 #its been an intense year since then though... in terms of discovery... and my journey into this kpop mess...#so i formed strong attachments really fast

1 note · View note

karuframe · 6 years

Note

Yooooo i saw your tags on that post saying there werent many ship fans in warframe and i was curious what your favorite ships are!! I havent seen anyone else that ships stuff before. Theres almost no warframe fanfiction out there and its kind of hard to find people to talk to about it with that dont just want to talk about builds and stats ^w^

yeah there’s barely any fanfiction or fanart with this topic. to be fair, the warframe story is not really asking for this sort of content and you have to be quite creative and twist the story around to be able to do so, so i’m not surprised, but still it feels a bit lonely at time.i’ve explored some ships and dynamics in my casualframe/humanframe sets and headcanons, there’s more to come, but anyway, i will share some of those i put a bit thought into (take into consideration that everyone interprets the frames differently)!!WARNING FOR DORKY HEADCANONS INCOMING!!

VOLT X BANSHEE-best friends, swaggers, bros-volt flirts around a lot and never scores, banshee crushes on volt-banshee spends most time with their squad (octavia,nyx,nezha,loki)-banshee’s always there for him and to pretend that he’s not a glam loser-eventually volt realizes that he enjoys being with banshee the most and they become a thing

ASH X LOKI-Ash is very distant and introverted, spends most of his time training and meditating-Loki always needs to be everywhere, needs others to like him which in most cases they do, except Ash-Loki gets curious about Ash’s dissapearances and follows him into the dojo where he just stealthily watches him until he’s being pointed out-Ash finds Loki too loud, irresponsible, distracting and annoying and yet he never tells him off-thanks to Ash not liking Loki immediately, he sets it as a personal goal-Ash never seems to be caring for Loki much but when Loki gets himself in a dangerous situation, it’s Ash’s priority to get him out-eventually after Loki proves himself just as worthy, Ash finds pride in having him by his side-Loki cools down a bit and together they give off yakuza powercouple vibes

MESA X TRINITY-amazing synergy on the battlefield and off of it-mesa is very hard on herself-trinity is very patient and loving-both are protecting each other more than themselves-mesa feels like she’s not deserving of trinity but for sure won’t say no to the opportunity-trinity is a pacifist but she’d kill for mesa-mesa loves practicing with ash- both likes pushing their limits- trinity then has some bandaging to do on her-mesa visits vauban from time to time for gun augmentation-trinity is helping/nursing people in her free time

RHINO X NYX-the muscle and the mind-rhino is excal’s right hand man and he spends most time with him-nyx is part of the young’uns squad and spends most time with them or sleeping-they are very casual together-no one knows how they even got together it jsut sort of happened-rhino never lost the pink glasses, even though nyx is a sloppy couch potato gremlin-nyx is the boss-nyx tries to look unimpressed of having the hot kind beefy bf

EXCALIBUR X VALKYR-Excal used to spend the most time with Mag, Volt, Rhino and Frost before-after being chosen as the leader, he took huge amount of responsibility while making Rhino his right hand man-working more with all the frames, he faces the tough task of making all these different characters work together in unity - one of the more problematic ones being Valkyr-Excal takes extra time off to make a personal visit to Valkyr’s quarters to try and let her trust him more-she doesn’t let him at first, but even though he has no experience of dealing with someone so unstable and skittish, he finds a way of making her feel calm and secure-he keeps an extra eye on her in battle and pays her compliments about her skills afterwards-to show her his trust in her, he makes her his right hand woman as well after taking few of her concerns and ideas and decissions more than into consideration -Rhino being the voice of reason and Valkyr trusting her senses and taking risks is a perfect balance between setting Excal on the right path

SARYN / LIMBO-saryn- single by choice / limbo- single NOT by a choice-strong independent saryn who needs no partner / weak dependent limbo who desperatedly wants a laid-saryn- very desired / limbo- gentleman with no game-she doesn’t mind the attention but she makes it obvious that she’s not interested / he craves the attention and is oblivious to people not being interested-saryn- the hot mom of the team / limbo - the wine uncle of the team

NEKROS X OBERON (X NIDUS)-(lots of nekobe HCs i got from lotusshim554 so go check their stuff out!)-Nekros joined later and Oberon was one of the first frames he met; fell in love immediately-Nekros tries too hard, Oberon plays hard to get/isn’t interested-Oberon uses Nekros as an easy “deal with” his heat without any deeper meaning, although Nekros groes even more attached - thinks they are a thing-Oberon enjoys reading or spending time with other mature calm frames, while Nekros tries to be everywhere where he is, just in case-Oberon is sent on a solo mission where he is met with Nidus who he brings back-Nidus has been isolated for too long and lacks lots of manners and empathy, although is very attractive and dangerous looking; catching Oberon’s attention-Oberon clings to Nidus more than he ever showed interested in Nekros and Nidus uses that against Nekros-Nidus, just like Mirage, starts to subvert harmony within the frames for selfish joy-On a mission with these three only, Oberon is facing a decission to help one of those two-Oberon chooses Nekros-Nekros helps Nidus even after everything-after they are back safe and sound, Nidus is locked and watched over, Oberon is coming to terms that after all he chose Nekros and Nekros is in seventh heaven-they become a thing

EMBER X NEZHA-Nezha often catches Ember not keeping her eyes off him which both scares and flatters him-Ember is a known badass tough punk lady, saying it as it is, picking up on people twice her size, not afraid of fight-Nezha is very much aware of fight, very impressionable, feels confident only amongst his friends-Ember is the first one to approach Nezha, she is very casual and straight-to-the-point about stuff she wants-Ember is very grabby and terrirotial of things that are hers-even after being a thing, Nezha’s not sure if he’s aroused or terrified

VAUBAN X NOVA-”sugar daddy” vauban, “petite doll” nova-vauban spends most of his alone time planning and working on tech-nova is paegant girl, scared, unaware of her own potential-nova doesn’t feel good in the company of the other frames, therefore she quietly spends time with vauban in his workplace-vauban teaching curious nova about his creations-nova visting is part of the routine now and vauban makes little gifts for her in exchange

KHORA X HYDROID-the kinky couple-both are very mature, classy and dangerous looking-lots of innuendos-”open” relationship where they are together for the physical aspect of it and for the power couple realness, but neither have problem with the other branching out-khora is desired by many and sometimes gives in to some poor loser’s fantasies-with hydroid’s pirate nature, he really cannot be trusted, yet both him and khora know each other’s game

OCTAVIA X BANSHEE X VOLT X NYX X NEZHA-the young’uns squad-volt the fuckboi leader-banshee the quiet empathic one-octavia the loud diva-nyx the genius sloppy drunk-nezha the hyperactive optimistic one-sometimes includes loki or equinox

OBERON X TITANIA-older brother and younger sister-titania is the more bossy and overprotective one-even though Oberon takes his team as his family, Titania will always come first-Oberon is both her teacher and protector, while Titania gives him courage and talks (yells) sense to him when he gets lost

there were other ships i considered like Mag x Frost, Titania x Ivara,Nidus x Mirage, but i’d stick with those above I’ve mentioned, not everyone has to be paired up and if new dynamic comes to me, i may add to this!

#warframe #hcs #yay i finaly did it #don't look at me i know it's nerdy #there's not much to work with in warframe to begin with and yet #i have very strong feelings about those characters

183 notes · View notes

neonacity · 2 years

Note

My sammy had a bad day? :(( it's alright, sammy 💚 im happy my long spam letter made you feel a bit better tho? I've never really worked for my own sake so i dont know how stressful working can be but you've worked hard,Sammy! I shall virtually pat you on tbe back! *pat* *pat* and yess i know the Black Daisies fic! I've been meaning to get into that as well because mafia concepts are like my most commercial guilty pleasure?? Like please, im so bad at those concepts but reading them?? Thats a different story! So yeah,i am starting to get into that and the rest of your stories as well! Havent read in a while so my stamina depletes faster but just being able to get into it is good enough i guess 😌

Also this is pretty late but like in my personal opinion, i think i'd make a good pair with ur Lucid Renjun if not with Haechan and if we're picking other than the main 4, i'd say my pair with Jisung would be pretty solid too. I wanna say Chenle but unlike with Renjun, i think if we were to argue i'd actually smack him across the face so hard 🚨🚨 i also kinda lowkey i'd get along pretty well with mc,she would find me kinda harsh but like miss maam hush lemme help u

Aaaassssh. Did you just call me My Sammy? Ahfnfjdlkl pls that is making me warm all over i love that. 😭😭😭 thank you so much, i did have a bad day because things are really stressful at work but yeah you and my other friends here in tumblr really made it better so thank you 🥺🥺🥺

No... but hear me out though. I think Haechan and Renjun will be a good match for you but you are also giving me.... Jeno? LMAO, like you all have these deep deep thoughts and of the four Jeno is actually one of the most empathic and understanding??? Im not sure if that actually comes across to the readers because the first thing you notice in him is his physicality, but there is a reason why the MC really became close with him first. I think your thoughts would just connect lol. So yeah, if it's you, my lucid ship would be you and jeno hahaha

And you would be good for our female lead tbh...she wants a little sissy who is more wary of things because seriously she needs help

#reluctantserpent 101 #neona!answers #fic: lucid

1 note · View note

thyrideneverends · 4 years

Text

(2017)

Escritos que encontre del año 2017 . Y conversaciones conmigo desde el año 2020 ([]).

____________________________ AAAHGH IM SO FUCKING SAD. I cant help but feel that im rotting. I dont want pity; people helping; people empathizing. FUCK YOU. I can do better than you. I DO. In fact. I havent been blinded, and hate everything around me as an excuse for giving my life away for what it was supposed to be. [this could be missunderstod since i was clearly angry 4 something i dont recall, I was refering to people in general, how they put themselves above the others, how they always wanna get "there" first, how they talk trash about their relationships, the anger, the hate that breeds out of them when they are wronged(even if there`s no purpose or whatsoever to cause them, specifically, any troubles), the screaming, the violence, that kind of hate..]

I dont want to just 'be happy' because I have to; so I reject happiness. But I want to feel it like something real and not made up.. does that makes sense? Thats a paradox i cant escape lately. [thats deep man, fortunately we figured that out. Have we figured that out? Happiness now is closed for manteinance ^-^ ]

I cant find pleasure in anything.. I destroyed everything..[you had to start somewhere, right?] I cant find meaning in anything.

I just need someone, i just need not to be alone. But I am; Even surrounded by everyone. I know I am. I know you are too.. I hope you are strong enough to endure it.

[hablabas de otro tipo de soledad, lo se, pero vos todavia no lo sabias, o si?]

_______________________

Sometimes I feel like I forgot an important part of being alive. I remember a different version of myself from a few years back. I feel like I'm just existing; nothing pushes my happy button. And when I'm not strong enough to think that it's fine; that I don't need that.. I will just panic questioning myself why, the reason for me not belonging. I know it's fine; I know I can just spend the rest of my..50years left? just doing this; living this eternal circling hell. You might say it's a choice.. That I don't put that much effort into it. That I'm just playing this part. Complaining my ass off. And to that.. I can only say I'm sorry.. I'm doing the best I can. [I know you were.. truly; and u did a great job never letting me down] _________________________________________

Why are we even here right.. What powers you? You wake up, work or study, ingest food, sleep. Repeat. To finish your career and become something.. To earn enough money to become someone.. Be better in what you're doing or you'll be out. You'll be useless. You'll be garbage. We[the system] won't need you.. And then we have to be happy about it.. We have to function collectively happy and there's no room for the outcasts.. And IM to blame for it.. I could be happy like all of them.. But I'm just sitting my ass here thinking what else I can sabotage, in order to understand why it's unnecessary and wish to be also capable of that... Just capable maybe of.. not be weird; not be me.. And sometimes thats all that matters. That Im me.. And I love not being a part of them. I just can never get a hold of that moment and make it last.. I will feel alone just a moment after. [Im so glad we worked our loneliness, I mean, we have such fine moments in silence..]

____________________________________________

Aah... I was just given advice by a hot girl on tinder about how should I type, express and resume myself so the person on the other side of the screen won't stop replying thinking I'm an idiot.. She basically said :- "hey, you're an idiot but maybe a cute one. Here's human help. Just stop being you and people will like you" Y'know what? that's bullshit... It makes me so anxious that it happens all the time. There's always someone judgin. Not only online; real life is the worst. I just don't fit in here I guess. I'll keep talking with the tinder girl, maybe and get emptynessly laid, why not? But I think I hate this.. I hate that everything craves for a definition and people just won't LOOK; Im hidden among them... God how I wish to know who's there ravaging their brains with questions while walking in that empty crowd. I wish I could find you and ask just what you were thinking there. At that unique moment. You are not alone... But if you feel like I do; I wonder if you also wonder. I wonder if we're just very far away from each other.. I wonder if it`s true that there can only be one of us by this cosmic rule that goes: only one 'you/me' for every thousand people. Or.. maybe it's just me. Too old to be an idiot... Too idiot to fully be himself around smart well adjusted people. I guess it's a matter of perspective. isn't it pretty much all? Have a good night stranger.. [Not so stranger.. my dude.. U didn't get laid btw, you couldn't pull through with that. And then you promised you wouldn't lie about who you are.. You wouldn't ever play another role other than the one you are. Well, it was more like a statement than a promise, to yourself. I was there.. Best decision you ever made. You mutated loneliness into a condition, a simple symptom of your choice of living; instead of a disease on itself.. Very clever.]

_____________________________________________

You don't have to read but if you wanna unload please write it down. Everything u hate.. or love; This I wrote on my personal account but it makes me anxious to open myself to judgy people, so I erased it.. We live to judge because we love fixing things that didn't go right with us. Never understanding each perspective is unique. Well Im gonna paste it here because I don't want to lose it.. I don't want something I really meant to be just a deleted thing..(even if it is)

Have u ever felt like you're unique or different? But then just analyzing, we all just walk towards and objective. We don't do things just because. You don't get up every day to just go to work.. to just have breakfast or go shopping, idk; people set goals. We follow patterns. We repeat the same exact thing to strangers of the streets. The same exact things other strangers reply to us.. We are the same NPCs to others. And then realizing this I just wanna scream PLEASE GET ME OUT OF THIS. Please look at me! I don't want this. I don't want to be aware of this.. I don't want to feel I'm just to you what you guess I am. What's the point of everything? How do I get to know who I am if I'm always this self-centered stupid attempt of somebody? Nobody wants that. Sometimes I am glad to be "awake". To be different from the other people in their bubbles... But most of the time I'd give EVERYTHING to be exactly like that. Because I feel lonely. Because I have so many friends, but we can't communicate. Because I've lost the ideal of love because at a certain point I was scared of being a problem and it hurts so fucking much. I don't think I am special.. or more intelligent or cultural, I just feel I have a different degree of "profoundness" than most other people. It's not something I talk about or show, most of the time i pretend to fit in, but I don't. I can fool myself for periods, I've fooled myself for so many years now, but in the end it always comes back, I can't hide it forever. it hurts so much. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse and I feel like a fucking show-off that just wants attention..

[I felt that.. dude. You write beautifully..]

_____________________________________________

Hi person reading this. Be nice, life is full of shitty people. Make a tiny difference; someday we're all gonna die so its cool. Dont hold grudges ^^ . [^^]

______________________________________________

We are all just internet jesters shitposting to fill the void Even if you're just taking selfies and being beautiful while loving life, smiling to nothing and eating healthy shit while showing off the new place you just visited to a bunch of strangers that doesn't give a fuck about you .. (actually those are the worsts) yeah.. (Don't get me wrong I'm not saying it's bad. I do that too ! we like showing ourselves to others..) Screaming... I exist. Notice me sempai. We just are ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

________________________________________________ *draw of myself* [couldnt find it anywhere, where did u put it D: . i remember the sad expression] I know It has a lot of imperfections but so do I. I guess this is how I see myself.. Maybe I just wanted it to be like that. To express something to myself. I still feel like a little kid sometimes even tho I'm 25; "I just can't play with the other kids because I feel different and they make me feel different." Now I can't play with the adults, they're too adults. They make me feel too adult; i need to act up every move to become like them. And then alone, I can be at peace being who I wanna be; But it gets lonely from time to time; Not being able to understand who are you really; where are you really above the necessity of impersonating this other dude to get laid, get the job, get the money. And for what?.. Just to keep doing it because there is really no other choice.. How sad. But anyway. Ever tried to draw yourself? To see what's the image of you that you hold in your head.. if u truly do it; it doesn't matter if you know or not how to proyect yourself.. Every trace you make on that paper is a creation this world has never seen.. your chance to make a difference; it doesn't have to be trendy or impact in mankind. I suppose that's what I call art. And that's why art is everywhere.. Everything that can never be repeated.. Anything that comes from you; or life itself. A random amount of dirt.. Sunlight getting through the leaves of a tree.. Pieces of a broken cup and the stain of coffee in the carpet.. I'm not an artist myself tho; never considered myself even close to one.. I haven't drawn in years.. This is my first one in a long time; I just felt like it.

________________________________________________

0 notes

3inghao · 7 years

Note

crush anon here and AHHHHH I DONT KNOW WHATS GOING ON bc i feel like out of all of us we have the weirdest (?) relationship bc we dont even have each other on social media or each others numbers and like again im still not in their group chat?? only me and my other suitemate (the other asian girl) arent in the group chat??? which is like,, really weird bc they mention it a lot but theyve never made any moves to add (1/15)

us to the group chat and like thats not really something you can just like,, ask to join,,, and so they all hang out and grab meals together or whatever and idk i guess its just bc they dont have as much schoolwork i guess?? and my roommate and him are both film majors so they have similar classes and i guess i just havent had that many opportunities to hang out otherwise?? but like ive only seen him once since drunk (2/15)

night and it was yesterday and it was because he was downstairs in the dance room of our hall taking pictures of three of the girls from our friend group for his hw and after theywere done they just came up toour room and hung out and like ,, i wanted to talk to him more but then my friend started swiping through her tinder and so he started to swipe through his and then my roommate and her started doing the matches (3/15)

on tinder for him and it was like,, they were judging the girls as they went by like ‘oh shes cute’ or ‘oh my god shes so weird’ and it was mostly them but i felt really uncomfortable bc they were all like attractive girls and i was like ahh,,, i guess theres me the potato ,, and like i dont want my friends to know i like him either bc 1. theyd all think its like the worst idea in the world bc everyone knows how much of a player he is (4/15)

2. i still dont know if my roommates into him and 3. i still dont really know him super well and it would just be so weird for the friend group?? dating within the friend group would be a terrrrrrible idea too,,, and like im so confused about what to do but one thing i do know is that i will never tell the friend group at least until i get closer to them and him.. and even so i dont think he likes me,, although i do think hes intrigued by me,, (5/15)

if that makes any kind of sense at all… i know hes actively trying to hook up/date other girls bc of the whole tinder incident and also the other guy friend in our friend group (went to hs with x) told us that he was trying to get with this british girl he met in an elevator bc she was super pretty (and again when i say super pretty i mean it bc the girls they were swiping left on tinder were all so pretty too ????) but yeah i just felt my (6/15)

stomach drop when i heard that bc i knew what kind of guy he was even before i had a crush on him but i cant help but feel so terrible whenever stuff like that happens.. and yet at the same time i feel like our dynamic is different anyways?? like idk if this makes sense but you know when you can just feel like theres something more to your relationship with a person?? like idk this might just be me projecting my delusional (7/15)

hopes and desires onto this interpretation but i can sense like we are both trying to feel each other out, and that we dont really know how to act around each other, and i feel like im so crazy and i must be imagining it but every time we make eye contact it always feels just a tiny bit longer than normal or with other people??? you know????? im honestly going insane thinking about this,, and every time we were together (8/15)

before drunk night i would shut myself down around him like i tried to avoid eye contact or engaging in conversation bc i was so scared of letting myself fall for him but it happened anyways and now im still scared but im trying to put myself out there and engage with him but then things happen like the tinder thing and i just shut right back down yesterday and pretended like i was really focused on my schoolwork or my (9/15)

readings and ahhh i really dont know whats going on anymore i still have so much hw to do on top of that and i dont see him often bc he doesnt live in the same hall as me, im not in the group chat, and im not the same major as him so essentially we only hang out on the weekends or occasionally on the weekdays if he comes over to our dorms bc my suitemates invite him or whatever ahhhhhh i cant stop thinking about it (10/15)

and i just keep oscillating back and forth from thinking that somethings finally gonna happen and that theres a crazy spark there to thinking that theres absolutely zero interest from his end and that he would never like me and that i would never want to be with a guy like that anyways and ahhhhh i know i just have to wait it out and continue to work on it (at least being his friend) but at the same time i feel like i should just drop the (11/15)

whole thing and pretend like that drunk night never happened and just treat him with polite distance and act like my opinion of him is 100% just neutral guy that im kinda friends with and has had some good times with but i also know nothing will ever happen unless im trying from my end and actively showing interest in him but again it would be so weird bc i cant flirt with him bc my friends would 1000000% be able to tell and i (12/15)

know its still too early ahhhh my head is spinning im literally going insane AHHHHHHHHHHH sorry and literally just as im writing this my roommate is facetiming her friend and was telling her a story and she referred to our group as ‘our friend group and also two other people who live with us’ MEANING she doesnt consider me and the other girl to be part of the friend group and i knew that deep down i really wasnt but i (13/15)

hang out with these guys a lot and i try my best to be supportive but not too clingy and idk what im doing wrong??? why do people not want to be my friend??? i?????????? im sorry for being so depressing but this is legit what i feel !!! and ahh i just kinda want to distance myself away from these people and get my own friend group but at the same time i dont bc i love these people but the thing is i dont know/i dont think (14/15)

they love me !!!!! wowie wow wow anyways that was my entire fucking rant about life in general and im sorry if im burdening you but i hope this message finds you well

AHHHHHHH CRUSH ANON IM SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO ANSWER THIS I’m starting to feel better now I was at a real low place the past two weeks and just feeling bleh but i’m getting some help and i’ll be fine :))) but since it’s been so long WHAT ELSE HAS HAPPENED i don’t think you need to give up on your feelings for him and i don’t think you need to give up on the friend group, they’ve probs just been more tight-knit for longer so it’ll just take time before you’re fully part of the group, if that’s what u want. Don’t stress about the boy tho!!!! if it’s meant to happen it will ya know, you can’t force something. Maybe try just being friends with him first and maybe go from there?? ahhh i feel so bad at giving advice lolollll i hope i’m helpful or can just be some that can lend an ear to you to rant

#💫

1 note · View note