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jingyismom · 3 years

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Another twt threadfic import! Wangxian, 9k, post-CQL getting together Explicit, No Warnings POV switches wildly at will, and LWJ gets drunk but nothing happens at that point! Proceed for humor, tension, sweetness, and spice.

Anybody else think about what would happen if post-CQL, pre-relationship wangxian were traveling and Lan Do-Not-Indulge-In-Pleasure Wangji walked in on his very good friend Wei Wuxian...

...Indulging In Pleasure?

First, he would Run. Door slammed shut. Possibly colliding with a few walls while he tries to figure out how to Get Away to Meditate Immediately.

Wei Wuxian comes after him asap to apologize. There is a lot of overlapping apologizing, and little to no eye contact.

Maybe after, though, Wei Wuxian would feel a little...frisky. And a tiny bit defensive. "Lan Zhan, everybody does it!! It's not THAT upsetting!"

Lan Wangji cuts a glare at him. "Everyone does not do it."

Wei Wuxian suddenly has a lot of new things to think about.

(This is only ONE interpretation of Lan Wangji's relationship to self-pleasure...but it's a pretty fun one imo)

Wei Wuxian can't stop thinking about it. Has Lan Wangji really never...like NEVER never...is that. How could he even ask that? He can't, right? It'd be weird.

It Eats At Him. He loses sleep.

Coincidentally, so does Lan Wangji. They both lie awake at night in their shared room, very determinedly Not Thinking About the things they have learned.

Lan Wangji recites rules for hours trying to get the image of what Wei Wuxian looks like when he's doing THAT out of his mind.

Maybe, ages after Wei Wuxian thought Lan Wangji had fallen asleep, he hears him shift. It's a small sound but Wei Wuxian knows Lan Wangji doesn't move at all when he's really out.

"Can't sleep?" He says into the dark.

Lan Wangji takes a long time to answer. He's debating pretending not to hear. "No."

Wei Wuxian sort of thinks he knows why, but isn't sure exactly WHY why...like. Is Lan Wangji freaked out and disgusted? Is he confused? Is he...intrigued?

"It's because of the rules, right?" He asks instead. "It's a Lan thing."

Again, Lan Wangji takes a long time to answer.

It is only partly true. It is a rule, in a way. At least, that's how Lan Wangji had interpreted it when he was young. But it became a mixture of habit and shame, of self-disgust. And then after Nightless City, it simply did not occur to him. His body did not seem to work that way anymore.

He can't say any of that.

"Yes." It's not entirely a lie.

The horrible inconvenience of his body working that way, again, now, is another thing entirely. He does his best to ignore it. He does not want to address it. Meditation is his best friend once again.

"I really thought you'd started bending rules," Wei Wuxian muses aloud. "That's such a...specific one to stick to."

Lan Wangji has no answer for this. He honestly agrees.

After a pause Wei Wuxian goes on. "You never even thought about it? What about if you marry? Or what if you NEVER marry?"

Even in the oddly comforting unreality of the dead of night, Lan Wangji can't begin to discuss most of this.

"You said yourself no woman would want to marry me," he deflects.

"Ugh, did I?" Wei Wuxian says. "I suppose I did. Stupid. Anybody would be crazy not to want to marry you."

The silence after this declaration is particularly loud. Wei Wuxian covers it with an awkward laugh. "Anyway, I guess you probably think it's just another way the rest of the world is...gross. And...debaucherous. Huh."

Lan Wangji hears the self-effacement in his tone. "No. It is natural."

Wei Wuxian goes silent for a long moment. "Then why the rule?"

"It is...easier," Lan Wangji struggles to merge truth with the fib. "To deny one's—it is not a question of judgment. Do not worry, Wei Ying."

Wei Wuxian huffs. "I'm not worried, Lan Zhan." Well, he's not anymore. But then he processes the rest of it. "So. Then, it's less of a rule? And...more of...a...guideline?"

Lan Wangji says nothing. He's already said too much. He should be asleep. He should have pretended he was.

Wei Wuxian doesn't know why he's pushing this so hard. He can't make his mouth stop saying words, carried forward on a tide of morbid curiosity and an abstract sense of unjust wastefulness. If Lan Wangji is going to miss out on the natural pleasures of life, he at least wants to understand.

"That's a lot of years of dedication to a not-rule," he says.

Lan Wangji is silent, again.

"Must be difficult," Wei Wuxian insists.

Lan Wangji resists the urge to say both "it isn't" and "it is."

"You're not even curious?"

Lan Wangji is not. He understands the concept. Understands the truly unsettling ferocity of his own feelings, his own desire. Understands that some things, once begun, have a way of getting under one's skin and living there. The combination of these things is unthinkable.

"You could ask, if you were," Wei Wuxian goes on, unperturbed. "I don't mind."

This is not what Lan Wangji thought he meant. His mind is suddenly bursting with the most inappropriate of questions: mainly, horribly, "What do you think of, when you do it?"

"I would not," he manages to say.

"No, you wouldn't, would you," Wei Wuxian concedes. He is aware, distantly, that he is trying to cover up the acute awkwardness of being caught with his dick out with the hazier, less severe awkwardness of talking too much. It doesn't stop him. "You're not made of jade, but you do like to pretend you are."

He knows, immediately, even before Lan Wangji's sharp intake of breath, that he's said the wrong thing.

"Ah, Lan Zhan, I didn't mean that. I didn't." The silence is accusing, unforgiving. "I'm sorry. That was wrong."

Lan Wangji just lies there, silently blindsided. This is how Wei Wuxian sees him. Not as the bloodless statue of a man others see, but as a man desperately trying to realize that vision. And this...all of this, has only reinforced it.

"No," he says quietly. "You are right. It is easier."

"You keep saying that," Wei Wuxian says after a thoughtful silence. "Easier than what?"

This, Lan Wangji does not have the words to explain. There is no way to encompass the depth and breadth of it.

"It is time for sleep," he says.

Wei Wuxian chuckles darkly. "It was time for sleep ages ago. But alright. I can take a hint."

Neither of them sleep.

~~~

Days pass, and they do not speak of the incident again, though neither of them find themselves capable of forgetting it. The next time it comes up is completely by virtue of a series of accidents.

At dinner Wei Wuxian, in the habit of adding more food to Lan Wangji's bowl every time Lan Wangji adds some to his, does so without looking at what he is doing. When Lan Wangji hurries to douse the fire on his tongue with water, the nearest cup to his grasp contains something else entirely.

Wei Wuxian fortunately catches him before his head hits the table, this time.

When he wakes, bleary and unsteady, Wei Wuxian hustles him up and over to the stairs before he can get loose and wreak havoc. He learned his lesson the last time.

He helps Lan Wangji up to their room with an arm around his waist, and it's necessary but still feels a little bit like a violation. Lan Wangji does not like to be touched. It is probably a blessing that he won't remember this come morning.

Wei Wuxian is proud that they only stumble once before he figures out how to hold up the hems of both their robes with his one free hand, even with the distracting, warm weight of Lan Wangji's head on his shoulder. Once in the room, however, Wei Wuxian begins to regret his strategy of supervised confinement. There is nothing to do but sit while Lan Wangji stares at him, unfocused but intent.

"Lan Zhan...are you in there?"

Lan Wangji nods but doesn't break his stare. The room feels uncomfortably warm.

Wei Wuxian rolls his head back to look at the ceiling. Maybe a couple of petty crimes are worth ending this...but no. It wouldn't do to have rumors of Hanguang-jun vandalizing farms across the land. As funny as it would be, it wouldn't do at all. Wei Wuxian groans.

He stands and begins to putter around the room, pacing when that fails. Lan Wangji watches him with his silent, heavy gaze. The room really is far too warm.

Wei Wuxian unbuckles his belt to get rid of his thick outermost layer. Lan Wangji makes a small noise and laboriously turns himself around to face the wall.

"Lan Zhan? You alright?"

"Mn," comes the reply, with an exaggerated nod.

"What are you looking at over there?" He's irrationally half afraid Lan Wangji could start hallucinating.

"Away."

"A what?"

"Looking away."

"From?"

Lan Wangji glances over his shoulder, slow and shy, his heavy-lidded eyes falling on Wei Wuxian's hands at his belt.

The room gets warmer.

"Ah...hahaha...Lan Zhan. I'm just feeling a little hot, okay? Don't spit blood."

He takes off his belt. Lan Wangji faces the wall. When he shrugs off his long, thick vest, Lan Wangji starts wobbling, and it takes Wei Wuxian a confused minute before he realizes he's trying to stand up. He rushes to help.

"What now??"

"Leaving."

Wei Wuxian sighs. It has begun.

"You can't leave, Lan Zhan, it's late. Where will you go?"

"Outside." He's tugging insistently against the hand holding onto his arm.

"Okay," Wei Wuxian relents. He does sort of want to get out of this room. Get some fresh air. "Alright. Let's go."

Lan Wangji makes a distressed noise and tears his arm away. "Alone."

Wei Wuxian stares. "You can't—why?"

"Privacy."

"You—what do you need—" Wei Wuxian deliberately drops the question. "Sorry, Lan Zhan, you can have privacy in here, OR you can go outside. Not both."

Lan Wangji pouts. It's horrible. Wei Wuxian is not equipped to handle it. He opens his mouth to distract him.

Lan Wangji speaks first. "Not me. You."

"Me what?"

"Privacy."

Wei Wuxian's brain stalls, unable to follow Lan Wangji's logic. "What for?"

Lan Wangji makes a gesture at him that manages to be sloppy, elegant, and vaguely suggestive all at once. Wei Wuxian's face heats.

"I'm--I'm not. Doing. I wasn't going to do anything, Lan Zhan. I was just taking off one layer, see? To be more comfortable."

Lan Wangji blinks, unfocused, and sways. He's silent long enough that Wei Wuxian starts to relax and hope that he might just fall asleep. Which would be a blessing, given how difficult his heavy stare and softly parted lips are making it for Wei Wuxian not to Think Bad Thoughts.

Lan Wangji, however, is trying very hard to think thoughts with very limited success.

"Why?"

Wei Wuxian frowns at him. Which is bad.

"Why not?" He tries again. His words are not very good at present.

"Why am I not comfortable? It's a warm night."

Wei Wuxian is speaking slowly, like Lan Wangji is a child who does not understand such things. Lan Wangji frowns. He understands plenty.

He shakes his head and makes the motion again, the one Wei Wuxian understood. "Why not?"

Wei Wuxian is silent a long while, his face screwed up strangely. Lan Wangji wants to pat it smooth but knows he should not.

"It's..hah, Lan Zhan, it's not like people are always...you're not always...in the mood, you know?"

Lan Wangji does not know. He cannot, at this moment, conceive of not being at least slightly aroused. And besides there is nothing different now from the time he had seen—no, he does not think of that.

"Why?"

Wei Wuxian sighs. He almost looks sad. That's bad.

"Sometimes you're thinking of other things, or busy, or lonely, or..."

Wei Wuxian keeps speaking, but Lan Wangji has stopped listening. Wei Wuxian need not be lonely. He is here. He can help. He can help with this and Wei Wuxian will stop looking sad.

"Not alone," he says. "’M here."

Wei Wuxian stops talking, and smiles at him. Good.

"That's true."

Lan Wangji nods. Good. Wei Wuxian smiles some more, and shakes his head.

"Don't you think it's time to go to bed, Lan Zhan?"

Lan Wangji's ears heat. He would like to. He did not expect Wei Wuxian to ask. He nods and takes Wei Wuxian's wrist, pulling him toward the bed. Wei Wuxian makes an odd sound when they get there, and Lan Wangji looks down at where he's holding onto him, to make sure his grip is not too tight.

"Lan Zhan, I'm not sleepy," Wei Wuxian says. "You can...you can sleep though."

Lan Wangji stares at him with that same, open-mouthed stare. Wei Wuxian's own mouth is very dry.

"Not sleepy."

"Okay," says Wei Wuxian, jittery. "Maybe. You could just try lying down. And see if you get sleepy."

Lan Wangji looks at the bed. And then looks at Wei Wuxian.

"Not sleepy."

"...Okay."

Lan Wangji tugs on Wei Wuxian's wrist. Wei Wuxian's stomach lurches. He clears his throat.

"What is it?"

Unsteadily, Lan Wangji turns toward him. He reaches for the ties of Wei Wuxian's robes.

Wei Wuxian grabs his wrists and holds them away from himself as if they're on fire. A nervous laugh fights its way out of his mouth.

"Ah, Lan Zhan, I...I'm good. I'm not warm anymore. I'm fine. Happy. Like this. Okay?"

"Happy," Lan Wangji repeats.

"Yeah."

Lan Wangji seems to consider this.

Eventually, he relents, and goes to sleep.

Wei Wuxian sits up all night wondering if Lan Wangji was actually trying to do what it seemed like he was trying to do, and what it might mean if he was.

~~~

The time after that, it is Wei Wuxian's fault entirely.

It has been three days since Lan Wangji's accidental drunken night, and Wei Wuxian can't stop thinking about the intent in his drowsy gaze, or the brief second Lan Wangji's hands were at his waist. Every night when they go to bed, the room, the inn, are different. But the tension created in his spine by the memory of wanting and being so close but so far, is the same.

Wei Wuxian wants to drink.

But he knows that he probably should not under any circumstances get tipsy alone with Lan Wangji if he wants to preserve their friendship. So drinking is out. But he needs...he feels like he's going crazy. He needs some kind of...release. And it's been days, he's been too keyed up to try jerking off since The Incident. Plus Lan Wangji has just always been nearby. Which is great, actually, he would gladly go on forever this way, but it's also not ideal when being around him at all has been getting him half hard with no way to take care of it.

But they're two mature adults. They fight monsters every day. Wei Wuxian has been dead for crying out loud. It shouldn't be hard to ask for some privacy. It's understandable that he should need some, sometimes. Lan Wangji had seemed to understand even when he was drunk out of his mind. Of course he understands—Wei Wuxian has only gone a few days and he's starting to fray, imagine Lan Wangji going all these years without. Imagine if he ever did...it

would probably be. It'd probably be...really...

He doesn't think about it. He doesn't ask.

He decides to sneak off into the woods, instead. Except, when he gets up to leave, Lan Wangji gets up as well.

"Ah...are you. Going out too?" Wei Wuxian asks.

Lan Wangji blinks at him, and backs up a step in that unconscious way of his. "Apologies. I assumed, from the hour, that you had deemed it was time for us to eat."

"Oh. We could do that."

Lan Wangji shakes his head. "I would not infringe on your plans."

Wei Wuxian cringes internally. "You're not. I was just...I was just. Going. Out. To...to walk."

Lan Wangji stares at him with new suspicion. Wei Wuxian crumbles.

"I needed some privacy."

Lan Wangji's ears heat, and his eyes slip to the ground. "I see."

Wei Wuxian turns as if to leave again, and suddenly Lan Wangji realizes that he has nowhere to go.

"Stay. I will go."

"Ah, you don't have to, Lan Zhan, don't worry about it."

"Nonsense. It is more comfortable here."

He barely gets through the sentence once it registers what he is saying. What they are discussing happening in this room. His ears are on fire.

"Yeah which is why you should just stay here, comfortable."

Lan Wangji shakes his head and moves to brush past him.

"Or we could both say."

Wei Wuxian has no idea what makes him say it. He's playing with fire, and this was not the plan. But he keeps hearing Lan Wangji's sad voice saying it is easier. The loneliness in it. A twisted part of him doesn't want Lan Wangji to be left out in the cold. Literally or metaphorically.

Lan Wangji has frozen. He does not know what Wei Wuxian is suggesting. Does not want to assume. Does not want to even entertain the idea that he might mean—

"I don't mind if you don't," Wei Wuxian goes on.

Mind? Lan Wangji does not mind. That is not the cause of the white noise now roaring in his head.

"It's up to you. We both stay, or I can go,” says Wei Wuxian.

It is childishly manipulative, transparently so. On reflex, Lan Wangji cuts a glare at him, but quickly looks away. It feels lewd to look at him at all, just now.

"You could...play a song, or something, if..."

Lan Wangji has to look at him then. He wants him to play for him while he...while he...

Wei Wuxian's face scrunches up. "That...that's probably. This is probably weird. You probably don't want to be aware of—this was weird. Forget it. You can go, I can go. I just thought you might not mind, since—"

He cuts off as if he's said something he didn't mean to.

"Since?" Lan Wangji prompts. He has no idea where the sentence was meant to lead.

"Ah..." Wei Wuxian rubs the back of his head. "That night you drank my wine," he starts.

Lan Wangji's stomach drops.

"Ah, it's nothing bad!" Wei Wuxian hurries to say. "Don't look so upset."

"What did I say?"

Wei Wuxian has been acting distant the last few days. This explains everything. He must have said something untoward. Unacceptable.

"You didn't really say anything much."

Lan Wangji's alarm heightens.

"Did I—do—"

"Don't worry!" Wei Wuxian almost shouts. He can't handle the stricken expression on Lan Wangji's usually calm face. "You didn't do anything bad."

"Then what—"

"You...sort of. You. You wanted to help, is all."

Lan Wangji's eyes widen further. He looks absolutely horrified. Wei Wuxian wants to kick himself.

"I—it wasn't—"

Except it was sort of like that. But not in...not in a bad way. It was sort of...weirdly cute. He doesn't think he can say that. He takes a deep breath.

"It wasn't bad. Nothing happened. You just seemed...you weren't upset by the concept."

Lan Wangji stares at him.

"...But you clearly are now, so."

There is a long, awkward silence. Lan Wangji stares hard at the wall.

"It does not upset me," he hazards. He wants to be clear on this. Does not want Wei Wuxian to think him judgmental, or a prude.

"Okay."

"It is natural to require privacy for such things."

"Yes."

"Therefore I shall leave you."

"...If you like."

That strange opening, once again. The offer to...to share space, while he—

"What would you like?" Lan Wangji finds himself saying. His breath leaves him with the words.

"I'd like to know what really keeps you from doing it, even now."

Lan Wangji looks at him, shocked.

"If you just didn't want to, or didn't feel like it, that would be one thing," he goes on, "but that's not what you said."

Lan Wangji curses himself for speaking so freely, that night. "Why does it matter?"

Wei Wuxian frowns at him, thinking.

"Because sometimes, I think you find little ways to punish yourself. You don't deserve that. Especially not like this."

It feels like a physical strike, and Lan Wangji flinches from it. The worst part of it is that it might even be true.

"Pot. Kettle. Black," he counters.

Wei Wuxian huffs. "That's fair. Yeah, that's fair."

"So is your point," Lan Wangji is forced to concede. "Possibly."

Wei Wuxian's eyebrows shoot up. "Well, that...that's unfortunate."

"If you say so."

"We should do something about it."

The both of them go very still.

Wei Wuxian did not mean it to sound like such a pointed suggestion.

Lan Wangji does not know what to do with it.

Wei Wuxian laughs again, but it trails off pitifully.

"I didn't mean—" he starts at the same time Lan Wangji says,

"Alright."

They both snap their mouths shut.

Lan Wangji knows he has said the wrong thing, now. Knows he has given away a weakness, read the wrong thing into their situation, making it hopelessly awkward between them at last.

Wei Wuxian takes stock. It's rare for Lan Wangji to express himself like this. He can't shoot him down. He can't let that wounded look stay on his face.

"You could try it," he says. "I could...whatever you need." That sounds wrong. He tries again. "I could answer...questions. Or I could. Be moral support." Everything he says sounds stupid.

Lan Wangji is turning slowly pink. It's extremely fetching. Wei Wuxian can't help but try to deepen the shade, an old reflex.

"I could show you how."

It's a joke, and it's not. He meant to tease, probably. It did not come out that way at all. He can't take it back.

Lan Wangji thinks he should probably feel patronized, but his heart is thudding too hard for him to think clearly. He should say no. Of course he should. He knows what this would do to him, knows he would never be able to look at Wei Wuxian the same. He is already tortured constantly by the glimpse he accidentally stole. This would make things exponentially worse.

But at the same time, contrary to popular belief, he is only a man. How is he to deny something so close to what he has always wanted, freely given? No matter that it means nothing. He cannot quite refuse outright.

"I understand the mechanics," he says instead. Neither a yes nor a no.

Wei Wuxian smiles crookedly. "There's a little more to it than that."

This is somewhat of a genuine surprise. It must show on his face.

"Tips and tricks," Wei Wuxian says, "I know a few."

Lan Wangji can feel his face flushing now, hot and likely obvious. It is not a usual occurrence.

"I've had way more practice than you, you have to admit."

Lan Wangji generally tries not to think of it. "I suppose."

"Ah, Lan Zhan, are you mad there's something I'm better at than you?"

"Of course not," Lan Wangji replies, automatic. "You are very skilled at many things."

Wei Wuxian is grinning at him now. It feels more natural. He realizes he's been baited into relaxing somewhat.

"Alright," says Wei Wuxian, his grin fading a little, "if it's too awkward, then forget it. But the offer stands."

Lan Wangji feels very much pulled along by Wei Wuxian's current. It is a familiar feeling. He does the only thing he knows how to do any longer: he gives in.

"Alright."

Wei Wuxian blinks. In absolutely no part of his mind had he expected Lan Wangji to accept. He doesn't know what he thought. He wasn't actually thinking.

And now...

He. Well. Now he has to do as he said he would.

"Alright," he echoes back. "I...then. Alright."

It should be easy, in a sense. Once he'd become an official Jiang disciple and entered the dorms, it had become a necessity to tune out the presence of other people. But other people aren't Lan Wangji. And he can't remember anyone ever watching. That's certainly...something else.

He goes back into the bedroom, stripping off layers as he goes. He leaves most of them on—he's pretty sure this isn't supposed to be that kind of show.

Unless it is.

But it's not.

He turns to find Lan Wangji hovering, eyes averted, very much visibly embarrassed, and he has a very genius, very stupid idea.

As a teacher, he has come to appreciate that interactive learning is a powerful tool.

"Lan Zhan," he says, "learning by doing works best, sometimes."

"That is true," Lan Wangji says slowly.

Wei Wuxian shrugs. "Just an idea."

"Clarify." He does not want to misunderstand again.

Wei Wuxian fights his own blush at being made to say it. "We could do it at the same time. I could show you and you could try it. That way I could...you could. It might help."

Help what, he's not sure. He knows how all of this sounds. And yet here they are. He just can't stop himself.

Lan Wangji is having trouble deciding which of Wei Wuxian's suggestions should be accepted and which should be dismissed. He is unversed in what parts of this might cross the line of friendship.

But Wei Wuxian is offering. And in a deep, secret place, deeper even than his hopeless love, a part of him not only wants to see Wei Wuxian this way, but wants to be seen by him. He wants Wei Wuxian to have this part of him, whether he would care to keep it or not. He wants to give it to him more than he wants to have it himself.

"How?"

Wei Wuxian has once again not thought that far ahead. He scans the room, mind scrambling.

"Well. I...could sit. Here. And then you could also...you could sit."

He's staring at his bed, trying to think of a way this is not just him asking Lan Wangji to climb into bed with him. It occurs to him that's what he's been doing this entire time. He almost panics, but then...

Lan Wangji has been agreeing.

He looks at him again. Really looks. He's embarrassed, yes. A little lost. But underneath that, he looks determined.

For whatever reason, Lan Wangji wants this.

It settles the disquiet in Wei Wuxian. There's something Lan Wangji needs, here, and he's in a position to figure out how to let him have it. That's as worthy a cause as any.

"Get comfortable first," he says. "No Hanguang-jun allowed, this lesson is for Lan Zhan only."

Lan Wangji reaches up to take down his elaborate set of hair ornaments, and Wei Wuxian turns to consider the bed. It doesn't look very comfortable to lean on any part of it, so sitting is probably not ideal. It might be a hard sell, but he sees only one option.

"Lan Zhan—"

Lan Wangji is standing behind him, undone and soft. Smaller, without his tall hair and his billowing layers. Vulnerable. Wei Wuxian's heart does something complicated but familiar, and then picks up its pace. He'll have to tread carefully. To be careful with him.

"We'll just lie down first," he says. "Get used to that and go from there."

He expects A Look at the concept of getting used to lying down. But Lan Wangji only nods at the floorboards.

It's a little bit heartbreaking. Wei Wuxian is fairly certain a comforting touch wouldn't help. He stretches out and shimmies over to the side, as far as he can go to leave room. Lan Wangji only hesitates a moment before following suit. It's unfair how graceful he is, even in moments like this.

"Alright?" Wei Wuxian keeps his voice as soft and unobtrusive as he can.

Lan Wangji nods at the ceiling this time, his hands folded over his chest as if ready for sleep.

"It's really not a big deal, once you're used to it," he says, letting his mouth run. "It's like eating, or playing music. You figure out the ways you like to do it, and

try to get better at them."

He feels silly, giving a lecture on this, but he thinks the chatter is having the desired calming effect. Lan Wangji's breathing looks deeper. More even. But maybe he shouldn't be staring at him so much just now.

He turns to the ceiling, too.

"It's good to start slowly," he says. "Relax, get your body tuned into touch the way you want it to be. Don't just dive straight in."

There is a beat of silence, of stillness.

He actually has to do this now.

He takes a breath and pulls open his robes. Sets a hand on bare skin.

"Like this."

Lan Wangji can barely hear him over the rushing, pounding blood in his ears, in his mind, in his everywhere. He is aware of movement beside him, and the awareness that Wei Wuxian is undressing further, is bare, is touching himself, floods him with something like burning slush.

"Whenever you're ready," Wei Wuxian says, and the rustle of fabric sounds lewd in the silence. "Just touch your stomach or something. Ground yourself."

Hastily, jerkily, Lan Wangji unties his robes and tunic, opening them just enough to lay fingertips on flesh.

He cannot get enough air.

"When that feels nice, you can try something else. Like finding other places that feel particularly good. You know."

Lan Wangji has vague ideas. He does not really know. Does not think he could find them now, like this, strung so tightly.

"And whenever you feel like it, you can move on to more things. Or even The Thing, depending on how it feels."

Lan Wangji hears the slide of skin on skin. Hears Wei Wuxian's hand moving lower. The displacement of the waistband of his trousers.

He has never been so hard in his life. He wonders if it is possible to die from such a thing. He feels as if he might.

"How is it?" Wei Wuxian asks. His voice is breathier than it was a moment ago.

Lan Wangji feels dampness bloom in his own trousers. He clenches his fists and shuts his eyes.

"Lan Zhan?"

Wei Wuxian glances over, and sees the pained look on Lan Wangji's face. He stops the light, tentative touch he's been using on himself.

"What is it?"

Lan Wangji shakes his head. Wei Wuxian frowns.

"We can stop this right now," he says. "I'm sorry if I pushed it too far. I..."

"No," says Lan Wangji. "You did not. It is not your fault. I should not have agreed."

"Why not?"

Lan Wangji does not know where to begin.

"I should have known I would not be able to."

Wei Wuxian considers this. "There's nothing wrong with not being able to...perform. Under pressure. That—"

Reflexively, he glances down at him, and learns with immediate, brain-melting clarity that performance is not the issue. The sight chokes off the rest of his words. He tries to compose himself. He’s supposed to be helping, not panting like a dog. That's just taking advantage.

"Or. Ah...Do you feel like trying to tell me what the problem is?"

Lan Wangji shakes his head and blows out a frustrated breath. "I am sorry."

"Don't apologize," Wei Wuxian says, resisting the guilt that wants to spring on him. He can troubleshoot this. It's Lan Zhan. He deserves to feel good. "Is it just because I'm here? I can go."

"No," Lan Wangji says quickly. "I will go."

"Lan Zhan..." Wei Wuxian says gently. "You can't go out in public like that."

Lan Wangji knows this. And he has had this problem before, to a lesser extent. He is very good at getting rid of it. Only just now, with Wei Wuxian's warmth palpable beside him, he finds himself unable to concentrate.

Embarrassment and frustration are rolling off of Lan Wangji in waves. Wei Wuxian casts about, desperate for a solution to the distress he has inadvertently caused.

"Lan Zhan, relax. It's only me. We have time to figure it out. Take a deep breath."

Lan Wangji breathes. It shudders out of him.

"Can I help?" Wei Wuxian asks.

He means it in a general way.

Lan Wangji's eyes snap open and fix him with a disbelieving stare, and he hears, then, how it sounded.

But Lan Wangji looks so...helpless. Almost pleading.

He doubles down.

"Let me help."

Lan Wangji stares at him with confusion just on the edge of fear. Wei Wuxian reaches out to hover a hand over his arm.

"Can I touch you?"

He sees Lan Wangji's throat bob as he swallows hard. He gives the slightest of nods. Wei Wuxian presses down on his bicep in what he hopes is a comforting way, and sweeps his thumb back and forth. Lan Wangji is so warm, even through his remaining layers.

"It's only me," Wei Wuxian says again. He runs his hand down to the fist curled tightly on Lan Wangji's stomach and gently pries it open. He wraps his fingers around his hand and rubs the back of it with his thumb until it relaxes. "It's just us. You trust me, and I trust you, right? Nothing to worry about."

Every word Wei Wuxian says is like another blade to Lan Wangji's gut. He should not be allowing this. In the name of trust, he should not let Wei Wuxian touch him with kindness, with the assumption of pure friendship. He should stop this.

But Wei Wuxian's hand is warm on his. A gesture so simple, reducing Lan Wangji to a hopeless, lovestruck fool. He cannot pull away from it. He could not bear to.

But then Wei Wuxian is moving their hands to rest on the bed between them, and letting go. He slides his hand back up Lan Wangji's arm to his shoulder, then down just slightly. Almost to his chest. Lan Wangji cannot breathe.

Wei Wuxian goes up on an elbow, looking down at him. His robes fall open just slightly, revealing a slice of skin. Lan Wangji looks away.

"Can I show you?" Wei Wuxian asks softly. His hand is a heavy weight. He is asking...he is asking to...

Lan Wangji should say no.

He cannot say it.

He nods.

When Wei Wuxian's hand moves, when it slides to the center of his chest and beneath the fabric there, Lan Wangji closes his eyes. The first touch is a shock. With considerable effort, he does not flinch. He does not gasp. He keeps still and quiet as the small, shivery waves of sensation roll across his body, growing and fading as more of Wei Wuxian's hand comes in contact with his skin. It rests there, then, and Lan Wangji is grateful for the pause. He needs it to calm himself, to keep from shaking out of his body and into the ether.

But then it begins to move, a slow caress, and Lan Wangji feels all of his hair stand on end.

He did not know touch could feel like this.

"Alright?" Wei Wuxian asks, his hand petting up and down the center of Lan Wangji's chest, gradually widening into oblong circles.

The bright softness of it is beginning to overwhelm Lan Wangji, the sharp awareness it brings to his body unfamiliar and heady. He nods.

They have come this far. He does not know what it would do to him to stop, now. The only way out is through.

Wei Wuxian brushes his fingers out deliberately farther, catching across a nipple. Lan Wangji does not manage to stop his shocked intake of breath at the difference in feeling, at the very pointed, very intense pleasure. Wei Wuxian circles his fingertips almost casually, and does it again. As if it is directly connected, his cock jerks, the damp spot in his trouser spreading. Again, and he clenches his teeth against the sounds working up in his throat.

"Is that too much?" Wei Wuxian asks. He feels unsteady, jittery with adrenaline and determination. He can't believe Lan Wangji is letting him do this. He knows he has to make the most of this one chance.

Lan Wangji shakes his head, and Wei Wuxian gives his nipple a gentle squeeze. At that, Lan Wangji does gasp quietly, his hands fisting tight in the bedding.

"Enough," he forces out, hoarse.

Wei Wuxian's fingers still. "You want—you want me to—"

Lan Wangji nods, his skin flushed with embarrassment and arousal in equal parts. Wei Wuxian moves his hand to rest low on Lan Wangji's stomach, and all his muscles jump and tense in response. It is too intimate, this touch, somehow. More intimate than the others. His cock aches, and leaks, and he is nearly tempted to take it in hand himself. But he is paralyzed still by fearful embarrassment, and now also by his ferocious desire, empowered by all this unexpected fulfillment of distant, illicit hopes.

He waits.

"Lan Zhan, look at me," Wei Wuxian murmurs. He doesn't think he can do this without looking into his eyes and knowing he's really alright.

Lan Wangji's eyes open with a flutter of dark lashes, and their darkness, their intensity, shocks straight through to Wei Wuxian's own arousal. He had expected discomfort and uncertainty. The nerves are there, the slight fear, too, and the embarrassment, yes. But these are nearly subsumed by stormy, determined desire.

Wei Wuxian sees now, he thinks, what Lan Wangji meant. How simply not giving in to the slightest temptation might prove easier than keeping such fierce feeling leashed. He had not realized Lan Wangji might contain such heat, such extraordinary worldly needfulness.

It's insanely arousing. Wei Wuxian struggles not to fall upon him and ravish him on the best of days, but this...

He clears his throat. "Ready?"

Eyes still locked on Wei Wuxian's, Lan Wangji nods, clear and careful. Wei Wuxian slips his hand down, beneath his waistband, immediately hot and slick. He can feel Lan Wangji's hard muscles twitching beneath smooth skin and coarse hair. He lifts his fingers to skim his knuckles along his length, and holds back a shiver. Lan Wangji is hard, and hot, and smooth as silk. And big. Really big.

Wei Wuxian's mouth waters, and that is...a new response to this type of information. He files it away to think about never again.

Lan Wangji can only breathe in short, shallow pants. The light touch is driving him to distraction, too much and not nearly enough. His hips jerk unconsciously. His focus, his restraint, is beginning to drift out of his grasp.

Wei Wuxian wraps his hand around him loosely, and strokes him once from root to tip.

A long breath shudders out of him along with a small, pained sound he does not mean to make. He shuts his eyes tight, but then Wei Wuxian lets go. Lan Wangji makes another sound. Quieter, yet more embarrassing.

"Not enough room," Wei Wuxian says, his hand flat on Lan Wangji's stomach, between his hips.

Lan Wangji does not understand how a touch that was so overwhelming a moment ago could be so grounding now. He is able to fill his lungs easier, for a moment, even though he aches for the touch to return.

"These—can I—” Wei Wuxian tugs at his trousers.

Lan Wangji nods without looking, without thinking. He does not care. Not now.

Wei Wuxian shoves them down. Lan Wangji knows he is shifting, straining for him, but cannot do anything to stop. He is bare and pleading, and he finds he cannot mind at all.

Wei Wuxian knows he shouldn't stare, but it really is impossible not to. Lan Wangji's cock is huge, beautiful, and dark with need. It looks almost painful, honestly, and Wei Wuxian very purposely does not think about how that might be particularly turning him on. Instead he does what he's here to do. He helps.

He touches him gently at first, then more firmly, each stroke coaxing another pulse of precome from his tip. Wei Wuxian didn't even know you could get this wet. But then, he hasn't really taken stock of the state of his own trousers. All of this is very new. He's honestly happy to be surprised.

Lan Wangji is shifting under his hand, breath erratic and noisy, his face contracted in an ecstatic, agonized expression. It's so beautiful Wei Wuxian wishes he could paint it. Wishes he could paint it across the backs of his own eyes and look at it forever.

"Come on, Lan Zhan," he hears himself saying. His voice sounds like a stranger's. "That's good, just let go."

Lan Wangji groans. It's low, and quiet, but it makes Wei Wuxian's cock twitch so hard he gasps.

"Come on," he breathes. "That's right."

Lan Wangji tosses his head to the side and gasps, then visibly bites back another noise. Wei Wuxian tightens his grip and focuses on twisting his hand at the right time, adding and releasing pressure in the right places.

Lan Wangji cuts off a louder sound, sweat breaking out across his skin.

"Wei Ying," he murmurs then, as if dreaming.

Wei Wuxian knows he will be hearing it in his own dreams for the rest of his life.

With one more aborted cry, Lan Wangji's perfectly muscled stomach tenses up in a shallow crescent, and he comes. Head thrown back, throat working with the ragged sounds forced through it. He comes, and comes. Wei Wuxian has never seen this much come in his life. He strokes him, and pulls him through it for what seems like forever. Finally, he quiets, and the ribbons of white shorten and then cease entirely.

Lan Wangji's breaths come hitched and wet, almost like little sobs. Wei Wuxian stares. His mind is entirely, screamingly blank.

At length, Lan Wangji's eyes blink open and look at him with bleary shock. He looks drunk. He looks fucked out. He looks incredible. His eyes are big and damp, his mouth full and red and open. Wei Wuxian wants to—but no. He can't, because—but then Lan Wangji's gaze cuts down to Wei Wuxian's lips, and—

Wei Wuxian leans down and crashes their mouths together. No finesse, no care, no gentleness. He just needs to taste him, to feel him.

Lan Wangji makes a soft, wanting sound and kisses back, sluggish but no less enthusiastic for it. He grabs him with both hands and holds on tight. Wei Wuxian licks into his mouth, hot and soft and insistent, and Lan Wangji hears himself make another awful sound. He tries to keep up, wants distantly to be good at this, feels as if maybe, somehow, if he were, he might be allowed to have it again.

This need collides with the more present one to feel the give of Wei Wuxian's lower lip between his teeth.

Wei Wuxian is the one to make a sound now, sudden and cut-off but needful nonetheless. His fingers dig into Lan Wangji's waist, slippery with come. This combination reawakens Lan Wangji's briefly calmed desire. Now that the dam has burst, he finds himself wanting all sorts of filthy things, most urgently for Wei Wuxian's spend to mix with his own on his skin.

He tries to focus on the kiss. Tries to make Wei Wuxian make that sound again.

Wei Wuxian is losing the struggle not to rut against Lan Wangji's hip. This all started because he was already going out of his mind, and now that the barrier between them has crumbled, what he has wanted hopelessly and what he needs immediately have become the same thing.

"Lan Zhan," he pants against his open mouth, "I...I need. Can I—"

Lan Wangji's fingers dig into his arms. "Yes." His voice is low and shredded. It's so hot Wei Wuxian is surprised he doesn't just come from the sound. "Please."

"Oh, fuck," Wei Wuxian mumbles, and fumbles his trousers down.

He gets a hand around himself—the same hand, still wet, and fuck, oh fuck—but Lan Wangji puts an arm around him and pulls him close, against his side. He sees, out of the corner of his eye, that Lan Wangji is—he's still—

They lock eyes. Wei Wuxian swallows hard. "Do you...do you still need..."

Lan Wangji blinks rapidly, then nods mutely.

He does not actually know. He has no idea what he needs, other than to see what Wei Wuxian might do next.

What he does is push himself up, thighs astride Lan Wangji's hips.

Lan Wangji is not prepared for it. All his breath leaves him once more.

"Is this—too much?" Wei Wuxian asks, leaning over him, breathing hard, pink with his own flush.

Lan Wangji tries not to do anything too extreme, like gripping Wei Wuxian's bare, muscled thighs with both hands.

"It is not," he manages roughly.

Wei Wuxian grinds down against him, and his curse is drowned out by Lan Wangji's sudden, anguished oh.

"Is it—Lan Zhan—is it—"

Lan Wangji's hands are fisted tightly in the bedding, his eyes squeezed shut and turned away. The pale column of his throat is exposed, tense and lovely.

"Please," he breathes.

"Oh, Lan Zhan," Wei Wuxian chides softly, an odd pang in his chest. "It's alright."

He brushes damp hair from Lan Wangji's face, careful not to touch his ribbon. He leans down close and kisses the corner of his mouth. He's so perfect. Wei Wuxian hates to see him seem so conflicted about something so good.

"You can let go," he says again. He doesn't know how to make him understand. "With me, you can, if you want to. I want you to. I really...if you need—whatever you want. I'm here."

As he speaks, he can't seem to stop his hips from moving, little catches of almost-friction between their cocks making Lan Wangji's breath hitch beneath him.

He doesn't know what he's doing. He could be ruining everything. But he can't stop. He's never been this close to anyone, or wanted anyone this much. And it's not anyone, it's Lan Zhan. He wants him. He wants to make him feel good. He wants to be the person to do that. Preferably forever, but he'll take just this for as long as he can have it.

He kisses Lan Wangji's jaw, his perfect throat.

"Is this good? Do you want it?" He has to ask.

"Yes."

Breathless, the both of them undone. He kisses farther down.

"Do you...do you want to touch me too?" He tries not to sound too hopeful.

A pause, then the hoarse reply. "Yes."

"Then touch me."

Another pause. Hesitant fingertips at his knee, sliding upward. The barest touch of a palm on his thigh. He places his own hand over it and presses it down.

"Hold on," he says.

Then he thrusts against him and bites down gently at the same time.

Lan Wangji grips him hard and gasps, chest heaving against Wei Wuxian's.

"Yeah," Wei Wuxian goads, thrusting again. It feels so good. It feels better than anything he's imagined. "Yeah, like this, Lan Zhan, oh fuck."

It's incredible, and yet he needs more. He does his best to line them up and take them both in hand, but his hand is only so big, and between the two of them he's pleased to say neither of them would be considered small. He tries though, and it's almost perfect. Lan Wangji beneath him, writhing and panting, his helpless little noises and upward thrusts. The slick drag between them as he holds them together. He knows he's not going to last, but he almost doesn't care. The best part is watching him.

Lan Wangji is coming apart. He is reduced to sensation, overcome entirely by the sharpness, the omnipresence of pleasure. The only thing anchoring him to the world is Wei Wuxian's soft voice in his ear, Wei Wuxian's hands on his body. He has no idea if a second release is possible, but for now he is blissfully, mindlessly tossed in the ceaseless current.

He is aware of Wei Wuxian taking his hand and moving it, and then the hot, slick mess of them pressed together in his hand.

"Ah," Wei Wuxian pants against him. "That's—good. Together, like this—oh, fuck, Lan Zhan, your hand is—I—"

He groans right under Lan Wangji's ear, and it's so obscene, so honest, that Lan Wangji's climax drags him under with no warning. It feels like every vein, every nerve bursting, filling his limbs, his mind, his mouth with something bittersweet. Like something breaking in him beyond repair.

Lan Wangji moans, long and low and pleading, as he comes. The sound, the sight, the tightening of his hand around them, are all too much. It sends Wei Wuxian over the edge after him, jolting and groaning. He looks down to watch, awed where he might've thought he should be disgusted. In the height of it, he wants to smear his hands through their spend on Lan Wangji's perfect skin, to paint their names in it.

He doesn't do that. This has already pushed through too many boundaries. He collapses into the mess instead, an unsubtle compromise, and then finds himself too weak to move.

When the euphoria fades, it hits him. What they've just done. What he's done, really. Mad with want and lacking any impulse control whatsoever, he may have just done what demonic cultivation and 16 years of absence couldn't manage. He may have just driven Lan Wangji out of his life for good. He...he thinks, probably, the effect won't be quite that drastic. But he's suddenly afraid it could be.

Lan Wangji comes back to himself warm and pleasantly weighed down. Slowly, as his breathing evens out, the comfort bleeds out of him leaving only exhaustion and nerves.

He is not sure how much he has given away, in this. How much of what he has just done can be excused. He tries to still the tremors that are still pulsing through his muscles. Tries to regain his footing, to think. It is nearly impossible with Wei Wuxian still draped over him, boneless and pliant. But he would not trade it away, not a single moment of it.

Eventually, unfortunately, Wei Wuxian lifts up and off. Lan Wangji feels a moment of stark, certain grief, and turns away from him.

"We should clean up," Wei Wuxian says quietly.

Lan Wangji nods. They should. There is...much to clean.

A hand grasps his arm, sudden and solid.

"Lan Zhan, we're okay, right? I didn't. I didn't...this wasn't wrong."

Lan Wangji shakes his head. It was far from wrong.

"Okay...okay. Then, are you okay?"

Lan Wangji does not want to lie. It is a difficult question. It is possible he is alright. He simply does not know.

"Did you know?" Lan Wangji asks suddenly, without premeditation of any sort.

He wishes he could shove the words back into his mouth. But he cannot help but wonder. How much of this was...a knowing kindness? How much of this was pity, born of his own horribly obvious desires?

"Know what?"

Lan Wangji takes a breath. As much as he wishes he could, he does not think he could go back. Back to before he had this, knew this, felt this.

"That I wanted you."

There is a stunned silence. The hand on his arm tightens painfully.

"No," Wei Wuxian says. "You—how long?"

Lan Wangji shakes his head. That, he is not sure he can make himself say.

"Did...did you know?"

"Know?" Lan Wangji repeats, confused. Of course he knew his own desires, as unfortunate as they were.

"That I wanted you."

The silence then is suspended. The moment before a fall. Lan Wangji turns.

"You what?"

Wei Wuxian blinks at him. He really is an unparalleled mess. Lan Wangji aches with how much he loves him.

"Lan Zhan," he says, covering sheepishness with a reprimanding tone. "You didn't really think you were the only one, after that?"

Lan Wangji feels as if he is making rather a habit of complete and utter breathlessness. He stares at him, at the earnestly hopeful look in Wei Wuxian's eyes.

"I did not know."

"Well," Wei Wuxian says. "You do now. In case...in case that matters."

Lan Wangji does not know what is happening inside him, but it is riotous. He shoves it down, out of the way. This is something, but it is not...he cannot. He has lied by omission, he feels, too much now. He cannot continue.

"Then you should know," he says, measured as he can, "that what I feel is more than wanting." Wei Wuxian continues to stare at him. Lan Wangji has to look away. "In case that matters."

"It matters," Wei Wuxian says, a thin croak. "It—Lan Zhan, how much more, exactly, could you be, ah, specific? Because I don't want to say the wrong thing, but—"

Lan Wangji cannot bear to speak of it anymore. He unties his ribbon and lays it across Wei Wuxian's palm, at which point Wei Wuxian stops speaking and stares at it, instead of him, for a long moment.

"Lan Zhan..."

Lan Wangji's heart is heavy even as anxiety sparks through his overtired veins. But then, suddenly, he is horizontal again, and there is a riot of a different sort, of heat and limbs and lips, and he is being kissed all over his face.

"How long?" Wei Wuxian is saying again, between sweet pecks and lingering presses. "You wouldn't say. How long?"

"Wei Ying?"

Wei Wuxian can tell Lan Wangji hasn't yet caught up, and it's adorable and sad at the same time. He takes pity.

"I'll go first. I think I've probably loved you since forever, but I didn't know until, well, until I thought I'd lost you, back then. How stupid is that? Now you. Tell me how stupid we both are, how long we could have been doing this."

Lan Wangji is staring at him with unadulterated awe. It's cute, but it also makes Wei Wuxian feel squirmy and uncomfortable. He kisses him again, deep and slow, a new way they haven't tried. It's extremely good.

He manages to tear himself away. "Tell me or I'll stop kissing you," he says. He doesn't even know if it's a good threat. He hopes it is. It'd get him to speak if their places were reversed.

"Always," Lan Wangji breathes, still awed, still wide-eyed and sweet. It gives Wei Wuxian pause.

Lan Wangji sees him looking back through his spotty memories, trying to fit this information into them. He feels a stab of regret that he never made it clear before now. He resolves to make it abundantly clear every moment from here on out. He surges up to kiss those memories away.

It takes a long, long time before they clean up and do anything else.

In the future, Lan Wangji still doesn't make a habit of engaging in self-pleasure. He doesn't have to. Except, of course, when Wei Wuxian realizes he's rather sad he missed out on watching.

~The End~

If you enjoyed this, you can keep up with new threads as they happen on my twitter. If you want to see me in Real Writing Mode, check out my works on ao3!

#my fic #mdzsnet #theuntameddaily #the untamed fanfiction #wangxian fanfiction #this escalated very quickly #but still managed to be 9k words in three days #threadfics are both a blessing and a burden #they're quick and messy and fun #this one got called wholesome a lot #if i had a dollar for every time my smut has been called wholesome......#i work SO hard to take it as a compliment hahaha

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shortkingvi · 3 years

Note

No, no, tell us more about your thoughts on tyzula

alright,,,, i feel like this was a long time coming with how much i talk about my deep love for azula and her character arc so i'm gonna write a pretty lengthy analysis/discussion here about it all,,,,,,,, i'll put in it a read more so people don't have to scroll past a super long post if they aren't interested, so click below if you DO wanna read it

right SO, in order to understand the crux of why tyzula is so compelling and such a complex ship to understand, we have to understand azula as a character first

to preface, i should clarify that i'm not the kind of person who enjoys the "people are born evil" narrative because it's pessimistic, cheap, and in my opinion, not realistic. i think that characters can progress past the point of redemption, sure, but i don't think that any person is inherently meant to end up a monster

azula is a character who has never received unconditional love. the only reference to positivity in her childhood that we get is ozai's praise of her as the better firebender. this, however, is conditional love to the fullest; growing up knowing your value to your parent is intrinsically tied into what you can accomplish makes you highly defensive of losing your ability and disappointing, because then, what do you have? maybe this is the gifted kid in me speaking, but being identified as "special" at a young age is SO damaging in so many ways

azula only knows love in the form of praise for her abilities, not for her as a person. her mother certainly had no unconditional love for her in the way she did zuko, in azula's mind at least. azula herself says that her mother thought she was a monster; now, we can argue until the hippo cows come home whether or not ursa ACTUALLY thought this but it doesn't change the fact that this is how azula PERCEIVED it. she watched zuko receive love from their mother and their uncle while all she ever received was praise for what she could do, not who she was. she also received praise from her father and admonishment from her mother, so it's natural she would be inclined to follow her father's - horrible - advice rather than her mother's

anyways, now that we've established azula's lack of understanding of unconditional love, let's talk about ty lee. ty lee is the first one to give azula a taste of what love is. now, again, much of this is borne out of manipulation on azula's part BUT this is mainly because azula only knows how to receive approval through actions and not character. for ozai, she molds herself into what he'll approve of; for ty lee, she molds HER into something that won't be swayed by azula's flaws

nonetheless, we see some real azula peek through when she's with ty lee. during the ember island episode, we get a pretty sincere apology from azula to ty lee that feels VERY out of character for someone who never apologizes for anything. we see azula's dependence upon ty lee as, on the surface, something related to ty lee's abilities. however, it does seem strange that azula chose a non-bending circus girl as one of the members of her elite, inside squad (no i'm not arguing ty lee isn't strong or powerful, i think she's actually one of the most powerful characters in the show re: chi blocking, but azula probably wouldn't think this immediately)

INSTEAD, azula chooses ty lee because she TRUSTS her. trust is how love manifests when you aren't taught how to love in the first place. ozai, the only person azula thinks cares about her, puts his trust in azula to carry out his orders so she, in turn, does the same as an expression of care and love. because that's what she thinks love is! love to her is "i trust you to do this for me when i can't" and not "i trust you to do this for me because you WANT to"

because azula doesn't GET to want. she only gets to DO

so, now, let's get into the betrayal, turning, rebellion, whatever you want to call it, at boiling rock

IF azula only ever expresses real compassion for ty lee, and we've established that trust seems to be the way azula expresses this compassion most of the time, a betrayal would be the worst possible thing for her to face. she's already dealing with mai turning on her and choosing zuko, although i'd argue this was always in the back of her mind considering mai and zuko's relationship. what she ISN'T expecting, however, is ty lee. ty lee, who she trusted explicitly, turning on her and choosing the other side. because in azula's mind, she's not sure what she's done wrong! she's carried out orders perfectly, she's the strongest, she's the logical option at this point in terms of who will win the war

and still, ty lee turns on her

so now we have an azula who's lost the one person she cared about most (if we're going on the context clues of the show), and it breaks her. breakdown azula sends away all her advisors and protectors out of fear that they'll betray her because she's already been betrayed by the one person closest to her, so what's stopping all of them from doing the same?

her hallucination is important in understanding tyzula too; her mother talks about her use of fear to control people and azula replies with "trust is for fools, fear is the only reliable option." funny how hallucination ursa never mentions trust here and yet azula talks about it, huh? because trust is equal to love in her mind and she just lost any semblance of love she had left in her life the moment ty lee left her. i could write a whole other thing about the symbolic hair cutting here, but i'll save that for another time probably because this is already getting long and it'll turn into a whole discussion about hair in the avatar universe

ANYWAYS, this is all essentially why i love tyzula so much. we have a girl who doesn't understand and has never felt real, unconditional love losing a person who DID love her deeply but couldn't trust that her actions were good

we have azula, who was raised in a restrictive environment where her abilities were the only things keeping her from being physically abused (because she was regularly being emotionally abused if we're being honest), trying to grapple with understanding what GOOD even looks like

it's worth it to mention that azula was raised in a highly homophobic environment as well; it's not coincidental that bryke specifically confirm it is the fire nation who criminalized homosexuality. azula's internal homophobia, compounded with her inability to understand love, makes tyzula this tragic mish mash of almost, maybe, but also never

in any other world, tyzula happens a million times over; ty lee and azula are childhood friends who grow up, lose contact, come back together, and break free of their oppressive environment that neither of them are truly suited for (azula mentally and ty lee emotionally)

in the world we're given, however, this is everything they CAN'T be. and that's what makes them so fantastic

i love azula, i think about azula a lot, i RELATE to azula, my heart breaks for what she could have been if she weren't a product of her environment. but, more than anything, i'm just so heartbroken by azula getting SO close to understanding what love is but coming just short because the one way she expresses love, through trust, is the one thing she feels ty lee breaks

and isn't that the tragedy of it all?

#sorry anon this is SO long sxvsxgsdysvdg and turned more into an azula meta than a tyzula love fest #but their tragedy and toxicity is what makes them so fascinating #because they have all the makings of an epic wlw pairing but azula is just SO broken she gets in her own way #also totally unrelated but while i was writing this i was thinking about how azula's descent into madness #is what game of thrones tried and failed to do with daenerys #and now i kinda wanna write an azula dany meta thing too dvasyvdsadahsdvasdj #anyways yeah this is why i love them #asks #anon #tyzula

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writersrealmbts · 3 years

Text

Clearwater Springs: Part 8

Description: ot7 x reader, reader’s choice, fairy/supernatural/soulmate au. The choices you make influence the story! In this world, war-torn and ragged, you’ve been offered a home and a job working as a librarian. Will you meet your soulmates? Will you ever find the shelves behind the piles of books? Who knows.

Warnings: Innuendos, some heated moments, AnGsT

Posted: 02/06/2021

Tags: ot7 x reader, supernatural bts, soulmate au

3,650 words

A/N: Okay! Chapter 8! So, the survey replies said that I could do two free-write and one survey chapter, which means the next survey chapter will be chapter 11, but that link will come with chapter 9 because heck if I know where we’re going next! Also, I apparently have a bigger ao3 contingency reading this so that’s interesting. But anyway! Here we go! Sorry it took so long!

Previous ~ Next

Jungkook wasn’t breathing, frozen and staring at the dragon.

You bowed a little more. “Please forgive our intrusion upon your territory.”

A deep rumbling laughter made the waters tremble, ripples disturbing the eerily smooth surface of the water. “Little xana, you are most welcome as my river-kin. And brave djinn, you are welcome also. I could not turn away one attached so strongly to the soul of my river-kin. Your soul may rest easily when you have your heart pieces put together.”

Jungkook breathed out. “It’s hard.”

“It will not always be so, little one. The trials of life...they come...and they go. But if you stick close to your heart, all should turn out to be well and you shall grow stronger for all of your trials.” Anwei settled his head on the surface of the water. “You will grow, and have much growing to do still.”

Jungkook turned a little toward you. “How do you know?”

Anwei chuckled. “Did you know that the oracles and seers all descended from those who drank from the waters of a great and powerful dragon that was tainted with his blood?”

You tried not to gag at the thought, standing once more and taking Jungkook’s arm.

“And you, little xana, so many thoughts, racing in that head of yours and so many ideas without a clue how to enact them. You desire much, but admit little, but you are the key to all of the others. Without you, they would lose each other.” The dragon seemed to be settling back into the waters. “Now, if you both don’t mind...being awake is tiresome. And you both have someone to go find, do you not?”

You looked to the sky. “Jungkook, it’s almost sunset.”

“How?”

Anwei chuckled. “Time is a funny thing.”

You started running back in the direction of the house. “Thank you, oh great one!”

He just chuckled more. “Little ones. Always...in a...hurry.”

Jungkook zoomed past you, slightly translucent and going through the trees, but he often glanced back to make sure you were still with him.

You ran into Valina, squeaking and quickly helping her gather her mushrooms again and apologizing to her and who appeared to be her witch friends. “Sorry, I’m in a hurry! You haven’t seen Seokjin, have you?”

“Not in the past two days, sugar.”

“Ok, thank you!” You called, racing after Jungkook who had gone invisible around them. “He must not have gone to town. She would have seen him otherwise.”

“Where else could he be?” Jungkook asked, but it sounded like it was in your head more than anything which sent chills up and down your spine.

“There’s too many places he could be. Maybe Hoseok will have a clue for us, though. Come on.”

He beat you to the house, but the others were in the yard. Jimin was sitting in the grass with Hoseok looking at the feathers on his wings. Namjoon pacing. Yoongi was in a brown tabby form, gaze locked on you and Jungkook as the two of you raced up.

“Nothing?” Jungkook asked, looking at the others.

“No word from him, no sightings, nothing.”

Your gaze was drawn to the forest as they started discussing where they should look.

“Come on, Hoseok, any ideas?”

Hoseok pouted. “I can’t just turn it on and off. I looked in the crystal balls, but I didn’t see anything that would help us.”

“I’ll check the forest. Maybe our forest friend has seen him.”

“Alone?” Jimin scrambled to his feet.

“I won’t be alone long. Like I said, our forest friend will probably find me and help me find Seokjin.” You scanned the forest line, then spotted a tree that looked slightly out of place. That had to be it. Their hidden mailbox. “You guys go look. I’ll check the forest.”

“Are you sure?” Namjoon asked, coming over and taking your hand. “It’s a big forest.”

“I’m sure. We’ll find him. Go look. Meet back here when the sun has fully set,” You told them, squeezing Namjoon’s hand. “We’ll find him.”

Namjoon nodded, but didn’t move until Yoongi came over and grabbed his wrist, pulling him away.

Hoseok grabbed onto both maknaes. “Come on, we’re odd numbers with y/n going alone. Both of you come with me. I don’t like traveling in the dark.”

Jimin snorted, and started quietly teasing the elder—which was really heartwarming because it meant he was growing attached and comfortable.

Jungkook just trailed after them, smiling a little at the hand holding his.

And you knew they’d be fine.

You hurried toward the tree, their mailbox tree, studying it for a while and then trying to figure out how to find Taehyung so he could help you find Jin.

“You’re not Jin-hyung,” A deep voice pouted behind you.

You turned and sighed in relief. “No, we don’t know where he is. Need your help finding him, Taehyung. He left last night and we haven’t heard from him since.”

Taehyung’s eyes widened. “He’s missing?”

“Not...necessarily. I think he didn’t want to be found right away though. And I have a feeling he’s in a forest...maybe the one his brother died in?”

Taehyung looked surprised, but it slowly faded to agreement, and he nodded. “Right. You’re right. Let’s go look.”

You hurried after him. “It’s okay for me to use your real name, right?”

“What? Oh, yeah! It’s also a good way to get in touch with me. Just whisper it to any of the maples and they’ll bring it to me, and I’ll know that you’re looking for me.” Taehyung smiled at you.

You smiled back, but were also trying to figure out how to tell him that he was one of your soulmates. It would have to wait until you found Jin.

Taehyung led the way to a forest that was obviously just starting to regrow from a devastating fire, saplings here and there and some bushy undergrowth, but also a clearly defined path through it to the undamaged parts of the forest. The dirt road under your feet looked well-travelled, and yet the only sounds you could hear were of birds and squirrels and chipmunks.

“So….”

“That path leads to the family cemetery, which is also the memorial area for all of the dryads lost to the fire. Hyung talked about it becoming the first town cemetery since the area around it was already cleared by the fire,” Taehyung said, then hesitantly stepped toward the path. “What if he gets mad that we came looking for him?”

“He won’t be. He left because...his feelings got hurt in a misunderstanding last night. He needs us. Did...did you finish his butterfly?”

Taehyung nodded, carefully pulling the white butterfly from his bag and then whispering some sort of spell before tossing it lightly into the air as it started moving.

Down the path.

Taehyung hurried after it, not even glancing back as you captured his hand and held onto it.

You heard the singing first, soft and sad, and then you saw Jin, sitting against a headstone as he sang.

Taehyung had stopped when he heard the singing as well, just watching and listening.

Jin’s voice cracked and wobbled, and he stopped singing.

Just as the butterfly reached him and landed on his knee.

Jin stared at it, then reverently scooped it up.

Taehyung ran to Jin the moment you let go of his hand. “Hyung!”

Jin looked up, but didn’t move until Taehyung was just about to fall onto and crush the butterfly.

You walked over as Taehyung bear-hugged Jin and kept telling him not to cry, studying the tombstones and memorials from the dryads.

And you sang, because that was the only thing you knew for certain. Singing was the only way to feel like you belonged there, among all of the death.

There had been too much death.

When would this war end?

You sat on the ground in front of the two boys while you sang, looking to the sky to see how long you had until dark.

You sang of misunderstandings, of the worry that all of you had felt over Jin being missing, and of soulmates still not joined. Of lurking darkness.

“Y/n,” Jin said, grabbing your shoulders. “Come on. We’re leaving. Come on.”

You blinked, nodding, but you couldn’t stop singing. It would be too much if you stopped singing.

They rushed you out of the cemetery, through the trees and back to the road.

Taehyung looked nauseous when you were finally able to stop singing, the pressure in your chest gone. “You’re not allowed in cemeteries, got it.”

Jin gently stroked your hair. “What are you two doing here, anyway?”

“We’ve been looking for you,” Taehyung answered, the ‘duh’ in his tone easily palpable.

Jin’s brow wrinkled.

“Everyone’s been so worried about you,” You whispered. “Jungkook especially. He really wants to talk to you.”

Jin looked even more sad.

Taehyung was frowning in frustration. “What happened, hyung?”

“He didn’t want me,” Jin whispered.

“Yes he did,” You refuted. “He got overwhelmed. It happens, and you really need to let him explain. Please, Seokjinnie. Come home. Taehyung can come with us.”

Taehyung looked at you in surprise. “Uh...what?”

“I know you lied, you told me you lied. Jin, he still doesn’t know,” You whispered.

Jin held your gaze and nodded slowly. “He doesn’t. You’re right. We should fix that.”

“We should.”

Jin tugged Taehyung closer. “Please come with us?”

Taehyung looked Jin over, then glanced at you. “I don’t understand….”

When he looked back at Jin, Jin kissed him.

You studied the surprised stiffness in Taehyung, then the way he melted into Jin with a soft sound. You had to bring them both home. You had to bring your soulmates together.

Jin pulled away. “Come home, Taehyungie.”

Taehyung nodded, but you doubted he even knew he was doing that.

Yoongi was waiting outside, walking the perimeter of the yard as though restless. But the moment he heard the three of you, he turned and walked hurriedly toward all of you.

“Where are the others?” You asked, intervening before Yoongi could snarl out his worries because he looked ready to snarl at Jin and you didn’t want that.

Yoongi breathed deeply for a few seconds. “They’re inside. I told them I’d wait outside for you and to make sure there would be food ready when Seokjin-hyung returned.”

You nodded. “Okay. Why don’t we go in?”

Yoongi’s gaze locked on a nervous looking Taehyung. “This…?”

“Yes, now let’s go inside.”

Yoongi nodded, but instead of moving toward the house, he moved toward Jin. He stared at him for a long time, and then sort of dropped his head against Jin’s shoulder. “Don’t scare us like that.”

Jin nodded, sort of patting Yoongi’s back. “Let’s go inside. Y/n said I need to talk to Jungkook.”

The moment the door opened, the smells of various delicious dishes rolled out in waves.

Namjoon was just inside the door and he almost tackled Jin. “Why do you do this to me?!”

Jin hugged Namjoon back, but was looking past him with a hungry look. “Who’s cooking?”

“No one, Jungkook used his magic.”

Jin’s eyes widened slightly.

You grabbed Taehyung’s hand as the boy shrunk back a bit. “Come on. Let’s eat. Then talk. Talking is better when your stomach is full. Or so I’m told.”

Jungkook was waiting by the table, eyes wide and hopeful, but also regretful as he spotted Jin. “Hyung—”

“We’ll talk after we’re not hungry,” Yoongi cut in. “And I doubt hyung has eaten since he left so he’s likely very hungry. Let him eat.”

Jungkook hesitated and then nodded, moving so everyone could take a seat, but staring at Taehyung.

“Taehyung, that’s Jungkook, Jimin, Hoseok, Namjoon, and Yoongi,” You quickly glanced over everyone’s names. “Now sit and eat with us. They are fond of eating.”

“You’re not?” He asked carefully, and you saw the way Jimin and Hoseok looked up in surprise and then looked at each other at hearing his voice.

You shrugged. “It’s not essential for me. Get another glass for Taehyung?” You placed your plate and utensils in front of Taehyung, but you were thirsty. Actually, you felt parched.

But the drink you were craving was not water.

Hoseok was carrying the conversation, with Jimin contributing quite a bit and Namjoon commenting now and then.

Jin was definitely focused on eating, but that wasn’t surprising.

Taehyung’s eating habits were adorable, and you kind of wanted to pinch his cheeks while also giving him more food because he just seemed so...innocent and feedable.

But he was also enraptured by the conversation, soon joining in as his plate emptied.

Jimin was eating better too, which made your heart a little lighter.

Jin was putting pieces of meat on Jungkook’s plate before taking a second piece for himself and Jungkook was dutifully eating it, looking up at Jin every now and then with what you could only attribute as adoration or something similar.

Yoongi only spoke when Jin and Jungkook left together. “Stay put. Namjoon, let them talk it out without eavesdropping. Taehyung-ah, would you like some more pasta?”

Taehyung nodded.

You went to the kitchen as the boys continued eating, grabbing the herbs you needed and tucking them into the pocket in your skirt. “I’m going to go and bathe for a bit. Maybe we could watch a movie tonight? If those two work things out?”

Namjoon nodded quickly. “I’ll set everything up.”

“I’ll make popcorn,” Yoongi offered.

Taehyung just looked slightly terrified of you leaving him alone with them.

You went over and kissed his forehead. “You’re safe here, you know. And Jin will want you to be here when he’s done talking to Jungkook. It’s like a sleepover. They don’t bite. Well, Yoongi might when he’s a cat, but the others don’t.”

Yoongi huffed. “I only bite people who deserve it.”

“You bit me earlier!”

“You deserved it.”

You waited for Taehyung to nod before you headed for the basement.

You had an elixir to make.

“Don’t let me disturb you,” Jin called. “Just wanted to talk.”

You turned a bit, noting that he wasn’t in the room with you. “About?”

“I don’t know. I just...anything.” You heard him moving a chair.

“I’m not a fan of talking through walls or doors. You never know what Namjoon might overhear.”

“He can’t hear the basement.”

“Really?” You paused.

“It was one of the preventative measures put in place before you came. He was never strongly tied to the basement anyway. He can only sense when I jump on the stairs or if we were to break a window, or damage the foundation. Once we hit the stone floor, nothing.”

“So that he wouldn’t be harmed by my singing.”

“Well….”

“I understand. It’s fine. You and Jungkook work everything out?”

“Yeah. We’re good. Made up. He’s staying with me tonight.”

“Good. But what about Taehyung?”

“I was hoping you would convince him to stay.”

You smiled. “Oh, were you?”

“You’re very convincing. The boys are doing a good job of making him feel welcome, but you’re the cincher. You’re the tie that binds us together.”

You smiled and added the last ingredient to your magic elixir.

“I didn’t know Xana’s couldn’t be around death.”

“I didn’t know, either,” You answered, shivering a little at the memory. You poured the elixir into the gold gilt chalice.

“Good to know though.”

“Back to Taehyung, how do you suggest I convince him to stay?”

“I don’t know. You’re the expert.”

“I’m an expert? How so?”

“You’ve driven all of us mad at some point recently. Just follow your instincts. Wear one of those dresses.”

You grinned, fighting a giggle as you pulled a new dress from the water. Very alluring silk and lace nightgown, with a lace robe. Not too revealing. Classy.

Jin stood up and studied you, then stared at the chalice. “What is that?”

You offered it to him. “It is a gift.”

“And...you want to give it to me?”

“It is mine to give to whom I will, like my heart,” You quoted softly.

He gently placed his hands around the chalice, fingers over your own. “But...me?”

“You are the first, my first soulbond, it is only fitting that you drink ius caritate first,” You murmured, eyes following the chalice as he gently lifted it, keeping your hands on it under his. Watched as it reached his lips and he drank it, hesitantly at first, then calmly.

Watched his face as the chalice lowered from his lips, which turned upward into a smile, and his whole being seemed to glow and shine.

The chalice dissolved, just leaving your hands in his.

Then his lips were brushing yours lightly. “Thank you, y/n. I understand now.”

You smiled and let him pull you to his chest, drinking in his presence for just a few moments before he walked with you upstairs.

Yoongi was sprawled out on Jimin’s lap in cat form, fast asleep and purring.

Hoseok was playing with Jungkook’s hair, while the djinn looked ready to fall asleep.

Taehyung was in the middle of it all, looking surprisingly comfortable and talking casually with Namjoon.

Namjoon trailed off as he saw you, eyes widening.

Taehyung followed his gaze, and his jaw dropped.

Jungkook was very much awake.

Jimin eyes were raking over you.

Hoseok was gripping Jungkook’s hair.

Yoongi stayed asleep, even as Jimin set him down and came over to you, followed quickly by the others.

“Maybe we should do the movie in the morning,” You said softly, knowing they could all hear you. “Taehyung, would you like to stay the night?”

Jin was wrapping his arms around Jungkook.

Taehyung stared at you, then gulped, nodding once.

You mirrored the nod. “Come, I’ll show you a room.”

His gaze slowly drifted down to your offered hand, and he hesitantly took it.

You drew him upstairs, noting that the others weren’t following.

“There’s something going on here,” Taehyung said softly.

“There is,” You agreed.

“What is it?” He asked with slightly more insistence, but still leaning into the hand that you brushed his cheek with.

You let the lace robe slide down your shoulders, turning and revealing your soulmark to him. “You are the green.”

His long, beautiful fingers reached out and traced the outline of the mark in a featherlight touch that sent shivers all throughout your body. “Soulmates. You and them and...me...Jin-hyung?”

You nodded. “He’s the pink.”

“That one is so pretty,” He murmured, touching it. It had a sort of water-color, realistic look to it now.

“I’ve bonded with him the most. It’s all been going so fast,” You whispered, looking up at his face. You wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d had some xana in him at some point, he was so handsome. Ethereal.

Taehyung was chewing on his lip now. “And I’m one of you. One of your soulmates.”

“You are. It’s okay if you’re not ready, we’re all still trying to get comfortable with one another. I really was going to show you to a room you could stay in.”

He nodded. “I believe you. I wouldn’t have minded though….”

“Good to know,” You murmured. “Do you want your own room?”

He nodded again, a little more quickly. “Just...until I know everyone a little better.”

You nodded. “Whatever you need, Taehyung.” You turned slowly and led the way to the door of a room you knew wasn’t taken. “This one is empty. It’s yours.”

He opened the door and blinked as he looked inside. “I swear the bed just made itself.”

“There is a house haltija, a djinn, and a fairy here. Probably clean bedding.” You walked in to check and nodded. “Just a quick clean. Don’t worry. Namjoon has a strict privacy policy.”

Taehyung nodded.

“I’ll let you rest. There are probably some spare clothes in the dresser now. Make yourself at home,” You told him, smiling and leaving him to get comfortable while humming a tune.

Namjoon was in your room, and he looked up hesitantly as you came in.

You just smiled at him and went around to your side of the bed. “Staying with me tonight, handsome?”

He nodded. “If that’s okay?”

“It is.” You let the robe slip down and climbed into the bed. “The magic waters decided not to give me anything warm. I was hoping that meant someone would be here with me.”

Namjoon quickly joined you. “Yoongi was hoping he could stay with you, too.”

“He doesn’t usually ask,” You whispered, smiling.

“He knew I was going to. Wanted to make sure we were both okay with him coming.”

“I’m okay with it if you are,” You told him, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. You could get spoiled having so many lips to kiss around you.

Namjoon nodded slightly, then kissed you, a little more firm. A little more passionate.

You didn’t hear the door, or Yoongi walking through the room, but soon he was sliding into the bed behind you, arms around you and squeezing gently.

Namjoon let you come up for air, kissing down your neck before finding a spot that made your toes curl happily and sticking there.

Yoongi sighed. “So pretty.” And he kissed your cheek next to your ear. “Our pretty y/n.”

You smiled a bit as he yawned, leaning back against his chest and feeling his sleepy energy sort of seep into you as well. It’d been a long day.

Namjoon seemed to have found the spot he wanted to stay in to sleep as well.

You closed your eyes with a happy sigh.

You had all seven of your soulmates home and safe.

Previous. Next.

Masterlist. Clearwater Springs Masterpost.

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#clearwater springs fic #bts x reader #ot7 x reader #bts ot7 #bts fic #soulmate au #fairy au #magic au #bts ot7 x reader #jungkook #yoongi #jimin #hoseok #namjoon #taehyung #jin #seokjin

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noona-clock · 3 years

Text

What’s Your Sign?: Scorpio

Genre: Ski Resort!AU

Pairing: T.O.P/Seunghyun x You (Female!Reader)

Warnings: Mentions of alcohol

Words: 6,408

Author’s Note: Since I’m so fascinated by astrology, I decided to do a Zodiac series! I will be writing a one-shot fic for each sign featuring different members from different groups (and even an actor!). Each story will be posted on the 5th of the month during that sign’s season. Please reblog, comment, or send in an ask with your feedback! Thank you for your support 💜

Skiing wasn’t really your thing.

Like... at all.

You’d never actually tried it, but you were basically the opposite of athletic, and the idea of hurtling down a mountain -- a slippery, snowy mountain -- on two thin pieces of wood was just... not something that tempted you whatsoever.

The idea of sitting in a cozy cabin with a warm blanket and a roaring fire and a steaming mug of hot chocolate, however... that picture was infinitely more appealing. So, when two of your very best friends invited you to spend a few days in a ski chalet they’d rented with their boyfriend and girlfriend, respectively, you agreed to tag along (even though being a fifth wheel was also something that didn’t tempt you).

This year had been pretty rough for you personally, though, so a vacation in a wintry paradise would do wonders for your mental health. Plus, your friends and their significant others did like skiing, so you would most likely be alone for a good majority of the day, free to snuggle up on the couch and drink as much hot chocolate as your heart desired.

But then one of your best friends, Cindy, told you that her boyfriend, Jiyong, was bringing his best friend, Seunghyun, along.

So... yay because you wouldn’t be the only fifth wheel, but also yikes because Seunghyun was super scary and you didn’t like him.

Okay, no, that isn’t entirely true.

You were just incredibly intimidated by him and were too shy to ever talk to him directly because, as mentioned, he was super scary. He cut a pretty imposing figure, his resting facial expression was quite serious, and he had a really deep voice that was just...

Scary.

And you were almost completely positive that he hated you.

So, yeah. As soon as Cindy told you he was coming, you were extremely tempted to chicken out and stay home.

“Oh, come on,” Cindy urged as she opened her trunk and reached for your suitcase -- because, yes, she had waited that long to tell you about the sixth guest on this trip. No doubt she knew you would want to back out as soon as you heard Seunghyun would be there, so she had told you at the last possible minute to prevent you from doing just that. “He’ll probably just come skiing with us, so you’ll barely see him!”

“Cindy!” you whined, resisting the urge to stamp your foot like a petulant child. “He totally hates me! Does he even know I’m going to be there?!”

“Yes, I’m sure he does.”

“So, you don’t know for sure that he does,” you retorted.

“I’m sure Jiyong told him you were coming when he invited him!”

“But you weren’t there when he did?”

“Y/N, get in the car,” Cindy ordered with pursed lips and a tone of pure irritation. “You already said you were coming, you paid for your share of the cabin, I bought two boxes of your favorite hot chocolate -- you are getting in this car.”

While Cindy was definitely not as intimidating and scary as Seunghyun, her ‘I mean business’ tone was still scary enough to make you open the passenger-side door and slide into the seat with very little hesitation.

Cindy thanked you sweetly when she got into the driver’s seat next to you after stowing your bag in the trunk, and then she pulled away from your apartment to go and pick up Liah and her girlfriend, Renee. The four of you would be driving up to this cabin together while, apparently, Jiyong and Seunghyun would drive themselves and meet you there.

As soon as Cindy got out of the car at Liah and Renee’s house and closed her door behind her, you heard Liah’s muffled voice ask, “Did you tell her?”

You immediately glowered at them through your window, and when Renee got into the seat behind you, you turned around to look at her.

“Was that really the plan all along? To not tell me that he was coming until the last minute when I had no choice but to still go?”

A smirk tugged at Renee’s lips, and you knew the answer immediately.

It really had been the plan all along. Your two best friends were way more scheming and conniving than you would’ve guessed.

“It’ll be fine,” Renee insisted in that smooth, calming voice of hers -- the kind of voice that actually made you believe her when she said ‘it’ll be fine.’ “It’s not like you’ll have to share a room with him.”

Even though she was right in assuming you absolutely would not want to share a room with him, the fact that she said it made you feel like you were being annoyingly juvenile about this.

I mean, you were an adult! Seunghyun scared you, and you would never even consider calling him a friend, but you were mature enough to be able to share a room with him if you had to!

...But you were glad you didn’t have to.

Instead of replying to her, you simply let out a soft sigh and turned back around, waiting for your two best friends to join you in the car so you could get going.

“I’m very proud of you, Y/N,” Liah announced as soon as she took her spot in the back seat. “I was fully expecting you to stay home once you found out.”

“Oh, come on!” you scoffed, your brow furrowing deeply as you whipped your head around to frown at her. “You don’t think I’m mature enough to handle being a little uncomfortable?”

“It’s not that you’re too immature to handle it,” Liah replied. “I absolutely think you’re mature enough to handle it. You just won’t like it handling it. Hate it, in fact.”

...And, of course, she was correct. Just because you would share a room with Seunghyun if you had to didn’t mean you would like it.

But you wouldn’t have to, so there was really no need to even think about it.

Thankfully, after Liah’s remark, the subject of your willingness to be around Jiyong’s scary best friend wasn’t brought up again. The four of you, instead, discussed the meals you would cook for each other (it had already been agreed upon that a different person would be responsible for dinner each night, and there were several full grocery bags in Cindy’s trunk at the moment), played a round and a half of the Alphabet game, and engaged in a heaping handful of sing-alongs.

You unconsciously kept an eye on Cindy’s GPS the entire time, watching as the hours until your arrival turned into minutes.

Why were you so anxious? Why was your heart starting to beat just a little bit faster with every minute passed?

I mean, probably just because you hated being in awkward situations, and you knew it would absolutely be awkward when you first got to the cabin. Basically, the greeting between you and Seunghyun would determine what it would be like for the two of you during the entire trip.

If he, for some reason, decided to be polite -- or even civil -- when he first saw you, then maybe you would be able to spend the next several days in some state of relaxation. But if he ignored and avoided you -- which was the most likely option -- then you would probably be walking on eggshells the whole time. Peering around every corner to make sure he wasn’t already in the room. Waiting until he left the cabin before setting up camp on the sofa for the day.

...Maybe you should’ve insisted on staying home. Because none of that sounded at all pleasant, and if a vacation was supposed to be one thing, it was supposed to be pleasant. You should be able to enjoy yourself! But if it was going to be awkward around Scary Seunghyun all the time, you weren’t going to enjoy yourself!

Ugh.

But it was definitely too late to back out now. The GPS was calculating your arrival in less than five minutes, and the time to ask Cindy to turn around and drive you home had long since passed. (Though, she wouldn’t have done it anyway, even if you’d begged her or pretended you were getting sick.)

Your stomach flipped over itself as Cindy slowed the car and pulled up to a fairly large, incredibly nice cabin, and it flipped yet again when you saw Jiyong’s car already parked in the driveway.

“Oh, wow,” Renee marveled as the car rolled to a stop behind Jiyong’s and Cindy cut the engine. “This looks fancy.”

“Listen,” Cindy began, her tone playfully defensive. “It’s not every day you get to take a nice vacation with basically every person you love. I wanted to go all out! I wanted it to be special.”

Your brow wrinkled slightly as you unbuckled your seat belt and opened your door, the snow crunching under your foot as you stepped outside. “Are you sure I paid enough for this?”

Judging by the price, you’d figured she’d picked out a quaint little cabin with bedrooms the size of a closet. You hadn’t minded that notion, of course. As long as you had a warm blanket for snuggling and a lamp for reading, you didn’t care how big your room was.

But this definitely wasn’t a quaint little cabin. It was a very nice house disguised as a cabin.

“Yes, you did,” Cindy assured you, though you didn’t believe her in the slightest. “Don’t worry! You’re going to love it. You especially, Y/N, since you’ll spend most of your time here.”

You opened your mouth to issue a rebuttal, but Cindy cut you off.

“Which I am not judging you for!” she assured you. “I wouldn’t have invited you if I didn’t think you would have a good time!”

You simply pursed your lips and headed back toward the trunk to retrieve your suitcase.

Once the other three girls had unloaded their luggage from the car, you lingered, slowly closing the trunk and allowing Cindy, Liah, and Renee to go into the cabin ahead of you. There was absolutely no way you were going to be the first to walk in since you knew Jiyong -- and Seunghyun -- were already there.

It was going to be uncomfortable enough seeing him for the first time; you certainly weren’t going to do anything to add to it.

So, you brought up the rear, carrying your grocery bags and suitcase in through the door and gently closing it behind you as you heard Cindy call out for her boyfriend.

Once you got inside, though, your eyes widened at just how nice this place was, and you very briefly -- very briefly -- forgot that you were not looking forward to seeing Scary Seunghyun.

But then you heard Jiyong’s voice calling out to Cindy, and when you shifted your gaze down the front hallway... There he was.

Okay, so, one thing you hadn’t let yourself think about since Cindy had told you Seunghyun would be here was that... he was actually really super handsome.

Like magnetically attractive.

Which was probably another reason why he scared you.

He was almost too attractive, y’know? Too attractive for his own good, and absolutely too attractive for you to be any sort of comfortable around him.

You averted your gaze as soon as you saw him, feeling your cheeks flush a little and your stomach flip a lot.

“How was the drive?” Jiyong asked as he took Cindy’s suitcase.

“Very uneventful,” she answered. “If you don’t count the sing-alongs.”

Jiyong chuckled a little and said, “Yeah, I’ve never been in a car with four girls before, but I bet it’s never boring.”

He began to lead everyone upstairs where, presumably, the bedrooms were, so you pushed the handle of your suitcase down to carry it rather than wheel it.

Just as you leaned down to take the side handle, though, you felt a presence suddenly appear at your side.

A rather imposing presence.

“Here,” Seunghyun mumbled in his incredibly deep and smooth voice. “I got it.”

“Oh --” you choked, the word getting stuck in your throat. You quickly cleared it and managed to murmur a “Thanks.”

He gestured for you to go up the stairs first, and by now, the rest of the group was already halfway up the staircase, so you hastily tiptoed up to join them.

“The two empty rooms are this one here,” Jiyong told you, nodding to the door closest to the stairs. “And that one down at the end of the hall. This closest one has a bigger bed, so...”

You quickly cut in and said, “So, Liah and Renee can take that one, and I’ll take the one down there.”

You had no need for a bigger bed, and it really didn’t matter where your room was located, so obviously, you would let your friends have it.

Seunghyun headed down the hall with your suitcase, and you avoided looking at Cindy as you hurried after him -- though you were extra careful not to get too close behind him.

“You’re a nicer person than me,” he muttered once the two of you had entered your bedroom for the next couple days. “I would’ve taken the other room.”

You frowned, your forehead wrinkling with confusion and distaste. “But I don’t need a bigger bed. There’s two of them and only one of me, so why would I --”

Seunghyun turned to look at you them, his lips pulled into a devilishly handsome smirk. “I’m just teasing.”

“...Oh.”

A low chuckle escaped his lips as he hefted your suitcase up on the bench at the foot of your bed, and -- thankfully -- he then turned to leave.

“Thanks again,” you forced yourself to blurt out, surprised to hear that your voice didn’t sound as awkward as you felt.

“Sure,” he mumbled with a nod. “And if you need anything, I’m right across the hall.”

Your eyes widened a little, and your gaze darted through your open door to the closed one just opposite.

That was his room?

“I mean, I don’t know what I could possibly do that you can’t do yourself, but... Y’know. The sentiment still stands.”

You just nodded and let out a strangled hum.

Seunghyun chuckled again and left, closing your door behind him. Moments later, you heard the door across from you open and gently shut.

And then you deflated.

You just now realized how tense you’d been, though you really didn’t know why. Seunghyun had been very polite to you!

Nice, even!

And yet... there was still something about him that just...

You didn’t want to say he rubbed you the wrong way because that wasn’t entirely true.

He just...

He put you on edge for some reason. And it was probably because of the whole too attractive thing, but... I don’t know. He just scared you, okay?!

But seeing him and interacting with him for the first time on this trip hadn’t gone nearly as badly as you’d anticipated, so hopefully that meant you could enjoy your vacation with the least amount of awkwardness possible.

Hopefully.

After the first evening and first full day of the trip, you realized just how dramatic you’d been about the Seunghyun situation.

It almost made you laugh now to think how you’d worried about it, imagining yourself tiptoeing around the cabin, peering around corners to make sure you wouldn’t be alone with him.

More than a bit ridiculous, really.

For one, it’s not like he was trying to make you feel awkward. He had no idea that you were so scared of and intimidated by him, and even if he did, he didn’t seem like the type to take advantage of it. He clearly didn’t mind teasing you, but you couldn’t imagine him purposely making you feel uncomfortable in his presence.

Plus, as Cindy has surmised, he had gone skiing with everyone else -- at least he had the first day, and according to the rest of the group, there was plenty to do around the resort.

So, you were pretty confident you’d get to spend the majority of your time here holed up in the cabin by yourself.

...You should’ve known better.

You had still been in bed when you’d heard the hustle and bustle of everyone leaving for another day on the slopes, and while you’d been slightly upset you hadn’t been down there to say good morning and good-bye to them, there hadn’t been anything you could do about it. You certainly weren’t going to run out in the snow in your pajamas just to see your friends off.

So, you’d simply splashed some water on your face and brushed your teeth in your en suite bathroom, stepped into your furry slippers and shuffled your way down to the kitchen for your usual morning cup of tea.

As soon as you turned the corner into the kitchen, though, you stopped suddenly, jumping a bit with startled surprise.

Seunghyun was sitting at the table eating a bowl of cereal.

But... hadn’t you already heard everyone leaving?

He glanced up at your arrival, nodding once to acknowledge your presence and then simply turning back to his breakfast.

You cleared your throat gently and slowly continued your route to the kitchen.

“I thought everyone left already?” you said in a quiet, timid voice.

“They did,” he mumbled in reply.

You pressed your lips together as you opened the cupboard to retrieve a mug, waiting for him to explain why he was still here.

But he didn’t.

Of course.

Why would he make things easier for you?

So, you quietly closed the cupboard door and asked, “You’re skipping today?”

“I don’t mind skiing,” he replied, and even though you weren’t looking at him, you could tell that he had shrugged while speaking. “But it’s not like I love it. And being a fifth wheel wasn’t the most fun, so... figured I’d stay here today.”

“Understandable,” you sighed. You could certainly relate to not wanting to be a fifth wheel. You loved your friends, and you were more than happy that they were both so happy in their relationships... but being around them all the time did tend to remind you that you were, in fact, single.

“What’d you do yesterday?” Seunghyun asked, and for some odd reason, his question made your spine tingle. Not in a creepy way, though. You weren’t sure what kind of way it was, but it wasn’t a creepy tingle.

“I just hung out here,” you shrugged, filling up the tea kettle with water before putting it on the stove to heat it up. “Did some reading. Took a walk. Drank some hot chocolate.”

Which brought you to a very curious question: What was Seunghyun going to do here?

But you didn’t have enough nerve at the moment to ask him. You hadn’t even had your first cup of caffeine yet!

“Is that what you normally do for fun?” he asked with a hint of amusement in his tone.

Even though, by now, you were used to people making fun of your more tame lifestyle, you still felt yourself getting defensive.

“Well, I don’t particularly find the idea of hurtling myself down a huge snowy mountain fun,” you retorted, busying yourself by opening the drawer next to the stove so you could pick out your tea bag.

“Well, no, me neither,” Seunghyun chuckled. “I would much prefer going to an art museum.”

Your brow furrowed instantly, but you resisted the urge to look over your shoulder at him.

“Really?” you asked.

“Yes, really,” he laughed. “Why do you sound so surprised?”

“Because I am, I guess. I didn’t know you liked art.”

“Is there anything you do know about me?”

...He had a point.

“Well, is there anything you know about me?”

“You like tea.”

You did turn around then, though you found your slight annoyance had turned into slight amusement and the corners of your lips pulled into a tiny grin. “That’s cheating.”

“Is not.”

“I’m making tea right now. Of course I like tea. That’s like if I said one thing I know about you is that you like cereal.”

“Well, that is one thing you know about me. I do like cereal.”

“But that’s just inferring something based on an observation!” you chuckled. “That’s not knowing something. It’s an educated guess.”

Seunghyun raised his eyebrows at you, and that stupid smirk showed up on his lips again. That same devilishly handsome smirk, and it made you feel very strange.

“You’re fun at parties, aren’t you?” he murmured.

“I don’t go to parties,” you countered.

Seunghyun simply laughed quietly, shaking his head to himself and turning back to his cereal.

The kitchen was silent as you finished up making your tea, but you were quite surprised to realize it wasn’t an awkward silence. It’s just that neither of you said anything. You weren’t waiting on tenterhooks for him to say or do something. You were simply... making your tea.

Just as you finished pouring the boiling water into your mug, you heard the scrape of a chair across the floor.

“I’ll leave you to it,” he said in a soft, low voice. “Enjoy your day.”

“Thanks,” you replied, watching as he walked over to put his spoon and empty bowl in the dishwasher. “You, too.”

And then he went back upstairs. To do what? You had no idea.

But at least now you were able to drink your tea in peace.

...Except, as you sat down on the sofa in the adjoining living room, cradling the steaming mug in your hands, you found you couldn’t stop wondering what he was going to do all day. Would he stay in the house? If he left the house, where would he go? Down to the lodge? Would he ask you to go with him? If he did ask you, would you go with him?

Obviously, you didn’t know the answers to any of these questions.

But you did know that Seunghyun wasn’t quite as scary as he seemed. And you were fairly sure he didn’t hate you. At the very least, he was simply indifferent -- but indifference is much better than hate.

After spending the morning and early afternoon reading -- with a few breaks to sit outside on the cabin’s back porch to admire the scenery -- your stomach had let you know in no uncertain terms that it was getting to be lunchtime.

You set your book down on the coffee table in front of you, swung your legs over the side of the sofa, and stepped into your slippers. And as you shuffled your way over to the kitchen, you realized...

You hadn’t seen or heard from Seunghyun since breakfast.

You... had actually almost forgotten he hadn’t gone skiing with the rest of your group and was, presumably, still here.

If he’d left, he’d done it so stealthily that you hadn’t noticed.

Which honestly wouldn’t surprise you. He was definitely the type of person who could just all of a sudden be standing next to you and you had no idea how or when he got there.

In fact... you paused, in the middle of reaching for the refrigerator door, and carefully looked over your shoulder to see if maybe he had snuck up behind you.

But just as your gaze fell behind you, you heard the sound of soft, thudding footsteps coming down the stairs.

Phew.

You quickly opened the fridge and stared inside, though you were acutely aware of the fact he was walking toward the kitchen.

A few moments later, you heard his approaching footsteps pause, and your heart paused along with him.

“Oh, hey,” he greeted, his voice as low and deep as ever. “Lunchtime?”

You hummed positively, your heart stopping yet again when he came to stand beside you, leaning one hand against the door of the freezer right next to you.

“I... was just going to make a sandwich,” you said, hearing a slight nervous tremble in your voice. Why? You hadn’t a clue.

“What kind?”

“...Peanut butter and jelly?” you replied. “There’s literally nothing else except the food for dinner, so...”

“No, that sounds good, I’ll do that,” Seunghyun agreed, and he moved over to a cabinet to get out two plates.

...What was going on?

You... and Seunghyun... were going to... make PB&J sandwiches together?

I mean, at least he hadn’t asked you to make his for him. That was something -- definitely a credit to him.

But, still.

You never in your life would’ve thought you’d ever be standing next to Scary Seunghyun in a kitchen, making sandwiches for lunch.

But that’s exactly what you did.

You stood next to Scary Seunghyun in the kitchen, and you made a sandwich.

And then -- if you can believe it -- you ate it. Together. At the kitchen table.

It was basically silent the whole time, but in your opinion, that was better than awkward small talk.

But then, as soon as Seunghyun popped the last bite of his PB&J into his mouth, he pushed his chair away from the table and murmured, “All right, let’s do this.”

Your brow furrowed immediately.

...Do what?

“What?” you asked, your gaze following him as he headed back into the kitchen. “Do what?”

“I don’t know about you, but I need a drink,” Seunghyun replied as he began to search through the cabinets.

“A drink?” you asked with a chuckle of disbelief. “It’s not even one in the afternoon.”

He shrugged in response before letting out a soft aha and reaching in the cabinet he’d just opened, his hand returning with a bottle of wine.

He was actually doing it? Getting a drink? For real?

“I’m sorry, is my company that bad?” you asked, again, with a chuckle of disbelief.

Did he really have to drown out his discomfort from being around you with wine?

“No,” he answered, and the smirk in his voice was so apparent that he didn’t even need to turn around and show you he was actually smirking. “I just want a glass of wine. Or two. I’m on vacation!”

...Okay, well, when he put it that way.

If you couldn’t drink at one in the afternoon on vacation, when could you?

“You sure you don’t want some?”

You bit the inside of your cheek briefly before pushing your own chair away from the table and joining him in the kitchen.

“I will pass on your wine, but I am going to treat myself to...”

You trailed off as you reached around him and took out the bottle of peppermint vodka you’d brought.

“And you were judging me for drinking this early?” Seunghyun laughed. “I’m not the one breaking out the vodka!”

“It’s for peppermint hot chocolate!” you defended.

You weren’t typically one to drink hard liquor straight, but a couple of splashes of peppermint vodka in your hot chocolate? You wouldn’t say no!

“Okay, that’s a lot more believable,” he said as his amused grin transformed into a lopsided smile.

“Cindy got my favorite hot chocolate -- the absolute best kind there is. Do you... want to try?” you asked, trying your best to make it sound tempting.

Seunghyun’s forehead wrinkled as his gaze darted between his bottle of wine and your bottle of peppermint vodka.

“My hot chocolate is precious,” you added. “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and I may never offer --”

“I’m in.”

He put his wine away and took the vodka from you, allowing you to retrieve two packets of hot chocolate and two mugs.

You were surprisingly... excited? And considering the thing you were excited about involved both Scary Seunghyun and consuming alcohol while the sun was still out, it was definitely surprising.

But, as you’d thought earlier, if you couldn’t do things like this on vacation then when could you?

After boiling some water, you artfully made two peppermint hot chocolates -- suitable for adults only, of course -- even opening the pack of candy peppermint sticks to use as both a stirrer and a garnish.

You and Seunghyun settled on the couch with your mugs, and as you curled your legs up and cozied up underneath a blanket, Seunghyun took his first sip.

You held your breath, waiting for his reaction.

There was absolutely no reason why you should want him to like the drink other than the fact that you had made it. But, still -- if he didn’t like it, it wouldn’t bother you in the least because you didn’t care about his opinion.

...Or so you told yourself.

Deep down, it had always slightly tormented you that you thought he hated you. Seunghyun was just one of those people who seemed so inherently cool without even trying, and the fact that he didn’t like you just... it was a little upsetting, okay? You would never admit it out loud, obviously, but it was upsetting!

On the outside, though, you still tried your hardest to give off the impression that you didn’t care about his opinion.

But when he raised his eyebrows and started nodding his head slowly, your heart did a little somersault inside your chest.

“Honestly, this isn’t half bad,” he murmured before taking another sip. “I’m not really a hot chocolate kinda guy, but... I would drink this again.”

You felt the corners of your lips tug up into a smile, but you did your best to suppress it so you wouldn’t let on just how happy and relieved you were that he liked it.

“I will take that as the highest of compliments,” you replied before lifting your mug to your lips and taking a sip yourself.

If someone had told you even just a couple of days ago that you would be willingly sitting on the couch with Seunghyun drinking your specialty peppermint hot chocolate... I mean, you definitely wouldn’t have believed them. And you certainly wouldn’t have believed them if they’d told you that you would’ve enjoyed yourself.

But... that’s exactly what happened.

The two of you sat on the couch together, drinking your specialty peppermint hot chocolate, talking about art and work and life... and you enjoyed yourself.

Seunghyun even opened one of his wine bottles after both of you had finished your hot chocolate, and although you weren’t one to have more than one drink at a time, you accepted.

He had been going on and on about how incredible his wine collection was, so you wanted to see what all the fuss was about!

Halfway through your glass, though, you knew it had been a mistake. You weren’t used to this much alcohol, and you’d always been a lightweight (hence the reason you usually didn’t have more than one drink at a time).

The thoughts that were crowding your brain began to make their way to your mouth.

Always a bad thing.

Always.

“Y’know,” you murmured as you gazed pensively at your glass. “I’ve always thought you hated me.”

“What?” Seunghyun replied with a low chuckle.

“But if you’re sharing your wine with me, that’s a good thing, right? You must not really hate me.”

When you shifted your gaze up and over to Seunghyun’s face, you saw his incredibly handsome features in an incredibly confused expression.

“Why did you think I hated you?” he asked quietly.

You shrugged. “Because. You never talked to me, and you’re so cool, and I’m so not. I just... thought you hated me.”

One corner of his lips tilted up into that smirk of his, and he said, “I always thought you hated me. You never talked to me, either, and you always acted like you didn’t even want to be in the same room as me.”

“Because I thought you hated me!” you laughed.

Seunghyun shook his head, and your heart began to beat just a little bit faster.

“I’m just...” you began, clearing your throat gently to get the words unstuck from your throat.��“I’m just shy. And you’re very intimidating.”

“That’s funny because I was about to say the exact same thing.”

You jerked your head back in surprise. “Excuse me? I am the exact opposite of intimidating!”

“Now that I’m talking to you, I can see that,” he agreed. “But when you’re just standing or sitting somewhere quietly... I always thought twice about approaching you.”

“That’s probably just my Resting Bitch Face,” you nodded.

Seunghyun let out a low, deep laugh, and the sound of it made your stomach do flips.

“You... do kind of have Resting Bitch Face,” he agreed, though to his credit, he sounded guilty enough. “But... it’s still... a really nice face.”

You had just been about to take another sip of your wine, and you were now entirely glad you hadn’t. You absolutely would’ve choked and spit your wine out if you’d actually had the chance to take a drink.

...Because what on Earth had he just said?!

“I’m sorry, what?” you asked, your words slightly slurred and breathless.

“Your face,” he repeated. “Is really nice.”

You blinked at him.

For quite a long time, apparently, because Seunghyun let out a soft chuckle, and you jumped at the sudden sound.

“You’re beautiful, okay?” he said with a smirk. “You’re beautiful, and the only reason I came on this trip is because I knew you would be here.”

Your mouth fell open.

“I’ve wanted to get to know you for a while,” he continued. “But I always thought you hated me, so I figured this was the perfect chance to actually try and talk to you.”

Without really knowing what you were doing -- because the information you’d just learned was completely doing your head in, and you didn’t really know anything at the moment -- you leaned over and set your wine glass down on the coffee table. And then you turned to look at Seunghyun more directly.

“Are you serious?” you asked, narrowing your eyes a bit suspiciously at him.

He simply nodded and let out a positive hum.

“You... came on this trip because of me?”

He nodded again.

You frowned, the corners of your mouth curving downward deeply as you stared at him.

And then, after a few moments of silence, you felt the word vomit coming up.

There was no way you would’ve said any of this normally, but the alcohol currently in your system and the fact Seunghyun has just said all of that had, apparently, done wonders to ease your mind and loosen your lips.

“I always thought you hated me, and to be honest, I didn’t want to come when I heard you would be here because I thought you hated me. But, like, I’ve always known objectively that you were really attractive and good-looking, but you’re just so mysterious and scary. I even called you Scary Seunghyun because of how intimidating --”

Seunghyun leaned in -- so quickly you didn’t see it coming -- and cut you off by capturing your lips in a kiss.

Unsurprisingly, you let out a soft, startled squeal.

But... the kiss was already so magnetic and overwhelming that it didn’t take long for you to melt into it, accepting his lips against yours and returning his passion.

Your head began to spin, your heart was racing, your stomach had jumped up into your throat, and even though the kiss had been going on for less than ten seconds, you felt your lungs start to burn.

When Seunghyun pulled away, you let out a soft but deep exhale, and he chuckled quietly as he brought up a hand to tuck some hair behind your ear.

Despite the fact that you were feeling incredibly shy right now, you forced your gaze on him, looking him in his deep brown eyes.

“Did... that just happen?” you whispered.

He nodded, now cradling your cheek in his palm. “And it can happen again if you want.”

Oh, you absolutely did want.

But... your conscience was tapping on your shoulder. Incessantly.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea... We’ve been drinking, and --”

Seunghyun, again, cut you off. But this time with a laugh instead of a kiss.

“I’m not even close to being remotely tipsy,” he assured you. And then his lips morphed into a smirk. “Wait, are -- are you?”

“I’m a lightweight!” you retorted defensively.

Seunghyun leaned back a little, letting his hand fall from your face.

Your cheek felt cold now, and you almost immediately reached out to take his hand and put it back on there.

“I’m not drunk,” you added. “But I definitely probably wouldn’t have said any of that if I didn’t have some alcohol in me.”

“So, you’re saying if I had gotten you drunk earlier --”

“I’m not drunk!” you insisted, tamping down an amused grin. “But also... if you had just said something earlier, I may have... I can understand why you didn’t, though.”

“For the same reason you never said anything.”

“So... why now?” you asked, your voice just barely above a whisper as Seunghyun’s thumb gently caressed your cheek.

He searched your face for a moment before lifting his shoulders into a shrug. “Guess it was the alcohol.”

You rolled your eyes playfully... and then you leaned in for another kiss.

It was weird -- beyond weird -- to be kissing Seunghyun.

Scary Seunghyun. The guy you’d avoided for so long because you’d thought he’d hated you.

But as weird as it was... it was also nice.

Very, very nice.

“Does this mean you’re going to stay here with me every day? When everyone else goes skiing?” you asked, your lips still brushing over his as you spoke.

“That depends,” he murmured.

“On what?”

“Will you start making me lunch every day?”

“No.”

Seunghyun chuckled, his voice so soft and deep that it sent a tingle down your spine -- and this time, you could tell it was definitely a good tingle.

“Well, I’ll still stay with you. If you want me to,” he murmured.

And... you were kind of surprised but kind of not surprised that, despite all of your former misgivings and hesitation about him... you did want him to.

And that wasn’t the alcohol speaking.

OTHER SIGNS: ARIES, TAURUS, GEMINI, CANCER, LEO, VIRGO, LIBRA, SAGITTARIUS, CAPRICORN, AQUARIUS, PISCES

190 notes · View notes

ti-bae-rius · 3 years

Text

Following on from @imherongraystairstrash’s amazing Thomas and Kit fic (which is here: https://imherongraystairstrash.tumblr.com/post/654901507028828161/i-know-you-write-about-relationships-in-tlh-and) here’s my addition to this lil fanfic universe, in which Thomas and Christopher discuss love and what love means.

Some period-specific discussion around sexual and romantic orientation but pretty darn positive!

Christopher dropped his carpet bag down on the bed in the room opposite Thomas’s with a sigh.

“Mam went to visit Uncle Henry, and he said that we should be able to go back to the house tomorrow by tea time. Mam and Dad have taken Alex to Aunt Tessa and Uncle Will’s. I haven’t a clue where Anna went. Mam asked if she’d somewhere to go and Anna said ‘I’ll find someone’ and Mam said ‘you mean somewhere?’ and Anna said ‘If you like’ and that caused an almighty row, so I’ve come here.”

Thomas glanced up from where he’d been filling the basin for Christopher, and grinned at him in the looking glass hanging above it.

“What a palaver.”

“Not half. And then Mam made me get rid of all the clothes I was wearing when the experiment went awry, so that’s another shirt gone to buggery. Anna’s inherited wardrobe is waning by the second.”

“I can’t imagine Anna would be seen dead in your old clobber, Kit.”

“Not anymore, but she used nab it all. I’m sure she thought I didn’t notice, but I did.”

“You never asked her about it?” Thomas asked. A knock at the door made him pause before he got an answer, accepting the plate offered by one of the maids. He handed Christopher the tea cake, pooling with melting butter, and stretched out on the rug as his cousin ate.

“Well none of it mattered a jot to me. They were just clothes. They meant something to Anna.” He set down his tea cake in indignation. “Oh, and I was pretending to sleep in the carriage here, but I heard Mam and Dad talking about Anna. Apparently the Clave are kicking up a fuss again about her, saying she could be muddling foolish shadowhunter girls. But Anna in spats and a waistcoat is still Anna. I hardly think a pair of trousers is going to baffle ladies out of their heads, and if they think girls are so easily duped, then it’s not the girls who are the foolish ones.”

Christopher understood Anna so well, Thomas thought, watching as - now serene after his outburst - Christopher happily tucked into his tea cake, fingers slick with runny butter. He understood Anna, so he’d understand Thomas. At least, Thomas thought, he hoped that was the case.

“I’ve something I want to tell you,” Thomas said, and his voice trembled a little with the nerves as he said it. He picked up his teacup but the saucer clattered against the base as his hands shook.

“Mind, you’ll drop that,” Christopher said, and Thomas put the cup back down. “Well whatever it is, it sounds frightfully serious.”

“It’s not all that serious,” Thomas insisted. “I don’t suppose it is anyway. Unless you find it serious. You might do.” He forced a breath between clenched teeth and reminded himself why he wanted to tell Kit. Because he’d understand. Because he was Anna’s brother. Because he was Thomas’s best friend.

“I...don’t fancy women. I fancy...other boys. You’re the first person I’ve told.”

Christopher’s violet eyes widened behind his spectacles, brows shooting up towards his hairline.

“Are you surprised?” Thomas hazarded nervously.

“Hugely.”

“You didn’t guess then?”

“About you...I didn’t give it a fig. I mean, I’m surprised you told me first. No one ever tells me anything first.”

“Well, you’re my best friend.”

If possible, Christopher’s eyes widened further, huge saucer-like circles of shock.

“I’m your best friend?”

Thomas almost laughed. “Of course you are. ‘Course, Kit. Besides, you can’t possibly be more surprised by that than...than the other part.”

“Well that is interesting news,” Christopher nodded. “Certainly interesting. Lots of recent scientific papers have been published on the subject. I tried to show Anna but she asked if they had any advice for seducing women, and then when I said it wasn’t a how-to guide she said it sounded dull.”

“Well I’m not to be experimented on,” Thomas said, and Christopher glanced across, wounded.

“Of course not. I didn’t mean...It’s just how I explain things I...” He patted Thomas’s shoulder helplessly. “It’s all alright with me, old boy. Any of it. Because I’m your...best friend.” He said these last two words with such earnest, such pleasure, that it set Thomas’s heart alight.

“You won’t tell the rest of the lads, will you?” he asked nervously and Christopher shook his head so firmly his spectacles shifted down his nose.

“Of course I shan’t,” he said, pushing them back up with a finger. “I’ll probably forget by supper tomorrow.”

They both knew that wasn’t true, but Thomas ruffled Kit’s hair in thanks anyway, muttering some gruff comment about that being about right. Nevertheless, he could see Christopher grinning.

“Thomas? Are you up?”

Setting down his book, Thomas padded over and opened his bedroom door, admitting a Christopher who was squinting without his spectacles. Thomas pulled him into the room and closed the door behind them. The candle he was reading by was starting to burn low, so he activated his witchlight lantern and set it on the bedside table. Christopher peered at the book and then back at Thomas.

“Couldn’t you sleep either?”

“You look like a mole when you don’t have your eyeglasses on,” Thomas replied instead, evading the question. His heart still felt as if it was leaping out of his chest, like he’d been infected with demon poison. He felt lighter and heavier all at once. His secret didn’t feel quite so suffocating now he’d told Kit, but speaking it had made it somehow more real. There was no hiding from it now.

“I had a question for you,” Christopher went on, tucking his knees up into his nightgown. Thomas, in a pair of striped pyjamas his mother had bought him, didn’t know how his cousin didn’t freeze to death.

“Which was?” Thomas prompted.

“When did you know that you liked other lads, not girls?”

Thomas tried to swallow the shock of the question. When did he know? How did he know? Didn’t everyone just somehow know? “I suppose...I’ve always felt it. But it became impossible to ignore when I was about 11 or so.”

Christopher seemed to heave a sigh of relief, though Thomas was half-inclined to believe he’d imagined it. Was his cousin wondering whether he was out of the woods to fall victim to Thomas’s own proclivities?

“I suppose it’s the same as you knowing you fancied girls.”

Christopher didn’t say anything for a while, and Thomas presumed that was all, when Christopher suddenly spoke again into the silence, voice dropped to a hush.

“Well, you see, that’s sort of it. I’m not sure I do know that. I don’t really know that I’m fond of...anyone in that way, girls or boys.” Though the light was low, Thomas could sense Christopher wrinkling his nose the way he did when he was puzzled. “I suppose that makes me awfully peculiar,” he said quietly.

“Not peculiar, at least not any more so than me,” Thomas told him. “Besides, you’re only 14. Perhaps you’re just a late bloomer. You’re ever so studious, you’re probably just too busy for courting. You have plenty of time to court girls.”

“I just...” Christopher cut himself off with a sigh. “I’m fond of lots of people. I’m fond of you, and Jamie and Matthew. I’m fond of my family - even Alex and his relentless grizzling. I’m fond of lots of people. But...I don’t think I can really imagine wanting to kiss anyone - and I definitely can’t imagine wanting to do anything in a marriage bed.”

“Well,” Thomas began, not really sure where his answer was going to lead him. “Like I say, you have plenty of time. But, even if you didn’t ever want something like that, you’d still be Christopher. It wouldn’t change anything for us, all of us who know you.”

“You don’t think that would be a tremendously odd life? Never being in love?”

“I’m not sure I’m the one to comment on what’s odd or not, especially not in matters of love,” Thomas pointed out, smiling. “But...I don’t see why it should be. Like you said, you’re fond of so many people, and they’re all so fond of you. It wouldn’t be as if your life was without love. By the angel, you’d be lucky to even escape it for a day with so much family around you who dote on you. Just because you wouldn’t want to take a wife...that shouldn’t mean you would have a life without love. Not when we all love you so.”

“And even if you were in love with some lad, we’d still be friends, wouldn’t we?”

“‘Course we would, Kit. You’ve seen what Aunt Tessa and my mother are like; Shadowhunters stay friends for life, especially when they’re family. We’ll always be best friends.”

“Well then, I don’t suppose the rest of it matters,” Christopher said, and Thomas’s heart wriggled free of the iron grip of anxiety, just a little, because Kit still loved him. And, Thomas agreed, the rest of it didn’t matter.

#thomas lightwood #christopher lightwood #tlh #the last hours #tsc #the shadowhunter chronicles #anna lightwood #fanfic #fanfiction

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hornyforfictionalpeople · 3 years

Note

hi there! i just wanna say that i love your writing and it would make me so happy if you could do a george weasley x ravenclaw!reader smut. just one where it’s both their first time and it’s kinda awkward on both sides but pretty fluffy too. thank you! :)

A Night of Firsts

A/N: AAAH MY FIRST REQUEST! thank you so much for requesting and you’re too sweet! i did take some creative liberty with this so i hope you don’t mind :) and oml this is my first smut so i’m sorry if it took a bit, i didn’t want it to be pure shit 😅 also i used she/her pronouns but if you were requesting for gender neutral or he/him pronouns please feel free to tell me! i tried looking for any mistakes but i wanted to get this out ASAP. also my requests/inbox are open so please request i pinned the post with my rules on them!

Pairing: George Weasley x ravenclaw!femreader

Warnings: smut (first time between characters) fluff, and a healthy dose of awkward! 😌

You two have been together for a few months, fairly new but the soft caresses and warm snuggles in the dark made it feel longer than that. Every soft kiss that came with sweet promises was true bliss to your ears. Sure you haven’t been together very long and yes no one expected the notorious prankster to get with a more goal-oriented Ravenclaw but so what? You two had it deep for each other, plain and simple.

You were walking down the halls, deep in thought and making your way to Potions, a class you didn’t want to miss. But very probable detention was the least of your worries, not with this tension between you and George. Now unlike the other squealing, over-sharing girls in your dorm who talked way too loud about their sexual escapades. You had your fair share of kisses, wandering hands that never went below the belt (much to your dismay) but it was uncharted waters, a whole new ordeal you have yet to experience. It’s not that you or George was never in the “mood” per se, but two virgins trying to say they want to “do it” ends with a lot of beating around the bush.

But you have finally had it, this pent up sexual frustration was not helping your ever-working brain. And the constant teasing and jaunts of your fellow dormmates of “Y/N it’s such an experience you’re really missing out” or “Y/N I’ve been with his twin and his was exceptionally sized”.

But teases aside you had a class to attend, you thought as you sat in your designated seat towards the back of the room where you could see a mop of long ginger hair in the seat beside yours.

“Hey, darling what’s got your knickers in a twist?” George muttered in your ear as you plopped down in your seat.

“W-what?!” your voice raising an octave with your shock. Red starting to creep around your neck.

“Love are you okay? You walked in and you looked angsty.” George questioned you.

“N-no I’m fine, really Georgie I am just uh girls in my dorm kept me up all night. Just a bit tired is all.” I mean what else were you supposed to tell your boyfriend, that you were heavily lusting over him and wanted him to finally have sex with you? Not a great conversation starter. “Just shush and eyes up front George, I swear I’m fine.”

“Whatever you say love.” and with that, you opened up your potions textbook, desperately trying to pay attention to the droning tones of Professor Snape.

——————————-

God that was the longest class of my life, you thought as you packed everything into your bookbag.

“You know love if you’re up for it, we can always skip the next class you look a bit tired.” George suggested, eyes searching your face in worry.

Oh god this is embarrassing, I really can’t hide my thoughts easily it seems, you huffed in thought. “You know what George why not? W-we have something to uh discuss anyways.” you replied absentmindedly.

“We do? What is it? New prank idea? A cool invention that can potentially harm someone? Wait! This isn’t the “I think we should see other people conversation” is it? PleaseY/NwhateverIdidIcanmakeituptoyo- *mpfh*”

“Georgie please stop speculating and running your mouth, we are not breaking up anytime in the foreseeable future okay? So please calm down I’m not talking about that, i-it’s er something else okay?” you hastily explained whilst covering George’s mouth with your hand. “J-just come on.” you stutter out moving your hand from his mouth to now his wrist, tugging him out the classroom and down the corridor to your dorm.

“Okay so what is the secret you’ve been dying to tell me?” George wonders aloud as he jumps onto your bed. “Now come on Y/N spill.”

“I-I think no I uh believe that we should uh you know George uhm we should takethenextstepinourrelationship. AndbesidesI’monthepotionsoIwon’tgetpregnantoranythingyouknow? Oh thank god that was good to get out I’ve been holding that in for far too long.” you rush out all in one breath.

“Y-you mean s-sex?” George questioned, a rapidly deepening bright red settling upon his face.

“I mean yes I’m very ready but I really won’t try anything u-unless you would want to as well of course and I really don’t want to force you into anything really but I mean if say I’m ready and your ready and uh we are ready together-”

“Love,” George says as he rises from the bed to walk next to you and massage your arms - finally understanding, “We can but only if you’re ready alright? Just tell me clearly.”

“George I really want to.” you softly murmur as his hands start trailing towards your shoulders, curling a tendril of Y/H/C around his finger.

“Okay uhm, this is also my first time so uh if something hurts or you don’t like it just uh t-tell me to stop okay?” he says as he trails soft kisses down your throat, stripping you of your robes and undershirt.

His warm breath was making your skin overheat as he made a path down your body with his lips. Goodness the girls were right, I really was missing out, you thought as George started sucking deep bruises on your clavicle. He tentatively looked up at you as he made his way to your chest and a small nod from you egged him on. His long fingers slipping around your sides to unclasp your bra, slowly removing it from your body so he can commit every expanse of your body to memory. Each curve and soft arch were devoured by his eyes.

Continuing his journey exploring your crevices, he leaned down further towards your breast and cautiously started to feel around, listening for every small moan or quick breath that indicated he was doing something right. Replacing his hands with his mouth, he slowly led a path down your collarbone to the valley of your breasts, littering kisses all over your bust.

Stopping just below your hips, he slowly makes work of your trousers - slowly sliding them down along with your underwear and taking in the gorgeous view beneath him.

“Goodness darling, you’re stunning.” he murmurs as he leans down all the way positioning himself right at your all ready slick entrance. “I-I’ll just go really slow and uh pinch my wrist if it’s too much, okay love?”

He continues with a nod from you, his movements slow and unsure as he sheathes himself inside of you. Inch by tanalyzingly slow inch, listening for every wince of uncomfort or gasp of pleasure. He stills himself halfway in when he hears your sharp intake of breath.

“Babe you have to loosen up or it will hurt worse okay?” he murmurs softly, stroking your hair in attempt of soothing you. “J-just go in a-all the way. I-It doesn’t hurt that much.”

“Okay love, just breathe.” he answers as he bottoms out in you, filling you to the brim with his length. Heavy, wanting pants escape from the both of you as George experimentally pulls out a little and pushes back in.

Seeing your pleasure in his actions he starts a pace, blissfully pausing every time he presses inside of you. Eye rolling back into your head with each cautious thrust, your fingers tangle in George’s soft hair, wanting to feel any part of him you can.

As he picks up his thrusting, his big hands come to wrap around your waist and up to your chest, carefulling pulling and tweaking each breast with fevor. Both of you in a newly discovered state of euphoria. Bodies tangling together, writhing with sexual content.

Each moan of yours egging George on, closer and closer to both of yours peaks. His hand cautiously moving towards your mound, slowling finding and circling your clit with pure luck. His hips and fingers work harder, desperate to get both you and him to your sweet releases.

Each flick of his fingers, thrust of his hips, and your adamant tugs on his hair makes something snap gloriously within both of you. A flowing stream finally let free as you both reach your highs. Pleasure overwhelming the both of you in waves, twitching legs pulling tighter around each other. Bodies in a thin layer of sweat due and both heads of hair in disarray.

George lands feather-light pecks on your neck as you both come down from your peaks. He slowly hikes you up onto his torso, sinking down under the covers in exhaustion. Holding you tight like a lifeline. Stroking your hair in weary circles, breaths mixing together and softening as your tiredness overcame you.

#george weasley x you #george weasley x reader #george weasley smut #george weasley #george weasley fanfiction

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paper-n-ashes · 3 years

Text

I... am probably going to get some kind of hate or backlash for this but... it’s kind of been sitting on my mind and I think it needs to be put out there.

This is going to be an essay. And I am not a confident or confrontational person so this is real scary for me.

I know how easy it is to take this - all of this blogging, writing, any creative outlet really - a little too seriously. For a lot of us, it’s a lifeline of positivity and a wonderful distraction to the shit show of daily life in 2020/2021. Certainly saved my ass last year. And I spend a lot of my waking hours thinking about it, because it’s my hobby and I adore it.

But (and I remind myself to do this CONSTANTLY) can we collectively take a breath and chill a little bit?

Let me explain.

I’m just seeing little hints poking through of toxic judgemental attitudes regarding how ‘legitimate’ someone’s fanfiction or writing is. That there’s somehow this divide between ‘real’ writing and ‘fast food’ fanfiction. I, for one, really dislike the term but I’m using it here to prove a point.

All of it, every piece put out into the public space, is valid. And I think it’s good to be reminded about that concept every so often.

We are all different people. With different experiences and preferences. We all seek out and consume different things, sometimes surprising even ourselves when we discover something new we didn’t think we’d enjoy.

Some people like more plot heavy and meaningful fanfiction. Those pieces or series’ that effect you and move you, play on your emotions in any and all ways. Some are short, some are 300k novels written over long periods of time. Some are canon, fix it fics or prequels, some are brilliantly imaginative AU’s involving our favourite worlds and characters we know and love.

Others enjoy (sometimes) quicker, sexually charged fanfiction. Fantasies played out in written form. Explorations of sexuality on a vast spectrum of more ‘vanilla’ (whatever that means to you) and more hardcore themes outside the regular realm of sex you might be used to. Characters we find attractive in places of canon or AU territory to thrill ourselves and others, or even just simply to scratch an itch.

Some enjoy both, on differing days. Dependant on moods or needs at the moment in time.

No matter what - All. Is. Valid.

None is better. None is worse.

When you read something you consider exactly or close to what you’re looking for from fanfiction, it is absolutely normal that you consider the piece, and the writer, of a higher standard. But this standard is subjective. Please remember this.

Don’t look down on others who enjoy something you don’t consider as having this standard. And certainly don’t have a lower view of the writer who put themselves out there to write it and post it.

We’re all judgmental fucks at times. I’ll easily admit I am, and have been. I’m in my late 20’s and still learning to be an emotionally intelligent human. I definitely have moments I’ve had to catch myself out. There are things I could rant on for days because of how much they irk me. And I believe it’s healthy to express your emotions about anything. But I do not put it into the public arena. I try my absolute fucking hardest not to let it colour any of my online interactions.

(This is the first time I’ve really put out a significant opinion in my own post and it’s fucking frightening. Seriously.)

Anyway,

If something is bothering me enough in terms of irks, that are completely subjective and my own, I speak to a trusted friend, to get the thoughts out and move on. And even then, some of those thoughts I’ve eventually pondered over and regretted the judgments I made.

But I will ALWAYS defend the right in this fanfiction realm for every writer to write about whatever the hell they want and not be looked down on or belittled for it.

If you are annoyed that certain pieces or writers get ‘popular’ or receive adoration you don’t believe they deserve - STOP YOURSELF RIGHT THERE. You can be annoyed. Go for it. Let yourself feel. But do not spread that negativity. Do not make yourself feel better by bringing others down in public view. It is not an appropriate coping mechanism.

Popularity is a whole other concept I do not have time to fully delve into. But it seriously happens by a decent combination of hard work that people don’t see, the right timing and LUCK. You cannot control it, and it will seriously help your mental health to not attempt to pursue as your goal. I speak from experience.

Whatever your reason for reading or writing fanfiction is, take a moment sometime to remind yourself we are at the end of the day just... fans. Fans of characters, actors, movies, TV shows, all of it. To be a fan is to be an enthusiast of anything that truly captures your interest. We just... like something or someone so much we read more about it, talk with others about it, even create more content about it.

Fandom is one of the coolest things I think humans have ever brought into fruition. People from all over coming together to love and discuss something that brings them joy or challenges their mind. And I’m sorry but I’m just getting a little tired of the competitiveness and superiority complex that works to make fandom a fucking shitty place to hang around in sometimes.

I am not saying everything has to be sunshine and roses, because there are lines that can be crossed and every good thing has it’s bad side. But... this is for happiness. At least, for me it is. Some days, writing out somewhat incoherent, horny thoughts and shorter stories brings me happiness. Sometimes writing out emotional turmoil and long, plot driven novel work brings me happiness. It’s just how my brain gives me that serotonin I crave, and I can’t excessively control that.

When people like one and not the other, I don’t care. I really don’t. I don’t need an explanation. It’s not personal. It’s just what brings THEIR brain serotonin, and I will never judge them for that. I’ve at least brought them a little bit of enjoyment in whatever way and that is just... fucking cool when you think about it.

Can’t it just be as simple as that? Fuck all the ‘popularity’ and legitimacy and notions of what is ‘better’?

Just do what brings you happiness, and give love/support/whatever to others who have done the same for you in what they’ve written.

That’s... it really. That’s all I needed to get out.

Okay. Anons. Yes feel free to counter me and make me feel poopy for my opinion because this is Tumblr and I’m not naive. Just know I probably won’t answer any hateful messages because I’m a wuss and can’t think of good witty replies.

#and now I step down from my soapbox and hide in a cupboard #bye

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becca-e-barnes · 3 years

Note

The "minors DNI" posts that I've been seeing crop up everywhere by fic writers are always so interesting to me.

First and foremost, I 100% support your decision to post a "minors DNI" for your safety and their safety. You're being responsible, doing your due diligence as a responsible adult, and trying to ensure that everyone enjoys what you put out there in a safe way.

And I know you specifically have not said this so this is not a slight on you by any means, but I think you'd be more open to the discourse of such an interesting topic like this—the problem I have with some fic writers is that is them saying they will block anyone who does not have their age posted in their blog.

This, I believe, is an incredibly dangerous precedent to set. On the one hand displaying your age if you are over 18 seems like a non-issue, right? Sure. But setting the precedent that people should display their age in their blog encourages minors to share their age on the internet which in turn can make them an easier target.

Personal preference for me—I'm a thirty-two year old lady (plz sing this appropriately) and do not share my age in my tumblr because, well I don't want to.

We're all technically violating TOS anyway, so it doesn't really matter if a minor interacts with your fic or not at this point—by interact I mean like/reblog/comment, not DMing you to talk about sexual stuff. That stuff you should absolutely block/delete for obvious legal and safety reasons.

And while I understand the legality thing, if you are not explicitly engaging with said minor, there's not a whole bunch that could hold up in court. How many lawsuits do you think E.L. James gets for 13 year olds waltzing into a bookstore or buying 50 shades of grey off amazon and reading it? There was actually an interesting article written about the "common sense" engagement with this book back in 2012.

Anywho, you are right to ask and set a boundary, and do what you feel is right to protect yourself and using the DNI minor blanket statement is ultimately a good thing, especially if it's a personal uncomfortableness with minors reading your work. However, even if a minor just decided to lie and say they were 21 and read your stuff anyway, unknowingly interacting with a minor is just as bad legally as knowingly doing so so at the end of the day, we're still just taking risks. The safest thing for all of us would probably be to not interact with anyone or ask everyone to use anon, but there's not fun or friendship in that. Your mutual who has stated they're 25 could still be 16 and you wouldn't know it.

My perspective may also just be entirely outdated as well because I grew up in the internet age of it being a lawless wasteland and everyone lied about everything, so I don't see the value in trying to police my work when people will just read it anyway and I don't have any control over that at the end of the day other than to tag appropriately and/or not post anything at all ever.

This was long and not necessary to answer, I'm just always fascinated by the rigor at which fanfic writers are so quick to banish people for not putting their age in their bios when I think it is inherently more dangerous for minors to do so because it puts a target on their back.

Before I start, I recognise that we’re of the same line of thought! I saw this long message and panicked thinking that someone had taken an issue with my stance on it and I’m glad that’s not the case 🙈 Anything I raise here is in the interest of discussion and I completely respect your point of view. 💗

This is really interesting actually and truth be told, I’ve avoided any discussion on this topic for a very long time for fear that I won’t adequately explain my stance on it. I feel like I’ve had a chance to do that and I hope it’s been taken up by everyone as I intended.

I will admit; as a minor, I read smut. Without going into detail, it entirely warped my perspective on how relationships should look. To provide a little context on my stance, at 14/15 (and younger), I had no business reading the things I was reading. Unfortunately, I was in a “relationship” at the time and I fully believed that I had to engage with my boyfriend in ways that mirrored what I was reading. I ended up in situations I didn’t want to be in. To me, it’s my responsibility as a writer and as someone who learned the hard way, to ensure that younger people don’t make the same mistakes I did.

I do fully agree, minors stating their real age on their blog raises all sorts of different issues, as you rightly said. You’re absolutely right, to a minor there are no advantages to displaying your real age on here. Fic writers will block you, creeps will be more likely to engage with you. So I fully understand that this might seem like a reason to lie or provide no age at all.

Leading on from that though, if a minor lies on their profile and claims to be over 18 and they interact with my smut, from a legal perspective, that is not going to have any repercussion on me. I have put my disclaimers up, I vet as many profiles as I can and I do everything I would be reasonably expected to do in the eyes of the law. (This isn’t an area of law I studied in significant depth but that standard of reasonable expectation would still apply). I do as much as I can to protect myself and them.

You brought up 50 Shades and I understand your point but the issue here is not just the fic itself. If anyone comments/ reblogs my fic, I like to send a little reply back! I love when people take the time to give me feedback and I want to thank them for it, as a lot of other writers do! The issue here being that if the blog commenting is a minor, the writer would be engaging in a conversation about sexual material with a minor. And that’s fucking messy. This is mainly where fics differ from a teenager buying a copy of 50 shades. In that situation, there’s no interaction there between the author and the underage fan so it loses that personal element.

On the issue of blogs with no age, I see where you’re coming from and I see that you both read and write fanfiction. But I also see it from the other perspective given that a lot of writers like to do as much as possible to protect themselves and potential minors.

I totally support that’s a boundary that you set and it’s your choice. In the same sense that it’s a fic writer’s choice to protect themselves by blocking you. It’s a matter of boundaries clashing at the end of the day. I really do see both sides here. I’m a really organised person so honestly, if anyone wanted to send me a private message just confirming they’re over 18, I’d put them all into a list to make sure I don’t accidentally block them for interacting. But of course, not every writer would be able to do that and I’m sure many readers would want to do that either! I just see it as the only way to compromise on that issue and keep everyone happy.

Thank you for sending me this! I hope I covered everything and if I haven’t been clear enough in some areas, feel free to come back to me! 🙈 And I really appreciate actually having a discussion on here! It’s so great to hear others’ points of view in a nice, respectful way. Tumblr loses that sometimes! Have a lovely evening 💗

#asks answered <3 #anon #long post #discourse #peep me getting to use my degree ahahaha #tw: sa

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officialwittek · 3 years

Text

pt. 1

*gif is not mine*

word count: 2,097

please forgive me if this is rough. i been outta the writing game for a minute. enjoy!

7:30 am.

The obnoxious ring of my alarm disturbs my peaceful sleep. I groan and move the blankets off my legs, stretching my arms to the ceiling. After my morning stretch I walk to my bathroom and turn the water to the hottest it can go before stripping my pajamas off. I quickly step in the shower, welcoming the warmth on my skin. I let out a sigh as I felt all the tension from my restless night glide down the drain. After a good 15 minutes I finally muster the strength to step out and wrap my towel around myself. I finally dry off and go to my closet to pick out an outfit for the day.

My eyes scan the closet before finally landing on a black pinstripe blazer dress with a zipper slit on the thigh, a thick belt around my waist with a chain in the front, and some knee high boots with black beret. After getting dressed I started on my hair and makeup. I went for a natural but full beat with my favorite pair of falsies and put my hair in a simple French braid down my back. I walked out to meet my roommate Carly.

“Good morning sleeping beauty” I says, she acknowledges me with the wave of her hand and walks back to her room as I smile and start making my matcha latte

I boil some water and grab the oat milk from the fridge. After making my latte I settle on some Oreo cereal for breakfast. I glance up and see my roommate exiting her room, looking ready for the day.

“Whatcha got planned for the day?” Carly asks, I shrug and look at her casually

“I might have a meeting to discuss signing with Arista, and making my own album” I comment casually, watching her eyes widen with excitement

“Are you fucking kidding me right now? Is David hiding somewhere with his camera?” Carly replies, I shake my head and watch her eyes fill with excited tears

“Baby!!! We have to tell everyone” she exclaims, I shake my head and cross my arms in an X shape

“We will tell them when I finish the meeting, I don’t wanna jinx myself” I whine, she nods understandingly

“Alright I should get going, let me know where you guys are so we can meet up after. You can ONLY tell Erin. I’ll see you later” I say, grabbing my work bag and keys from the counter

After a nerve wracking drive to the office I finally arrived. I take a deep breath and walk into the building where an assistant meets me. We take the elevator to a conference room.

We finally finished the hour long meeting. I brought a friend, who happened to be a lawyer to look over my contract before signing it. I shook their hands and said we would let them know in a few hours. After our meeting my friend and I headed out to get some boba and take a look at the contract. I quietly drank my black milk tea and sent a few texts to my friends.

“Looks pretty good, initial here and here... ok and just put your signature here” She said, I nodded signing and initialing away

They called the label and let them know we had signed the contract. My friend went and dropped off the contract while I headed to David’s. When I opened the door I noticed almost everyone was here, except for Jeff and Scott. I took my shoes off and quietly headed into the house.

“Soo.. what’s the verdict?” Carly asked, everyone looked to me in confusion

“Signed, and I’ll be starting my music journey with Arista today” I yell, my friends jump up in celebration and crowd around me

“We celebrating tonight bitches” Zane exclaims, and at this point who cares that it’s a Monday morning and they’ll most likely forget tonight

“Make sure you guys invite Jeff, and we’ll get Sage so drunk she can tell HIM how horny he makes her” Carly says, prompting David to take out his camera again and makes Carly repeat it

“God I tell Carly ONE time that I would get Jeff crush my head between his biceps and suddenly I’m being crucified for being horny” I retort, earning loud laughs from everyone else

“Tell David what you told me last night, after seeing Jeff’s insta post” Carly commands with a wide smile, I sigh and look right at David so I’m not looking straight into the camera lens

“Allegedly when I was a little litty last night, I was stalking his instagram and I saw the picture of him spraying water on himself in your merch… and allegedly I said that I would let him knock my cervix into my lungs and I would apologize for simply being too weak to handle it” I whispered, but everyone heard me anyways and as if on cue the devil himself walked in through the front door

“Jeff come listen to this” Jason says, showing the footage he recorded of me saying what I just said, I stood there in shock, Jeff quickly turned to me and smirked

“Come here baby” Jeff says, throwing me over his shoulder and carrying me to a bedroom while our friends laughed

“Finally, I’m getting the dick I deserve” I yell, Jeff puts me down gently after we round the corner

“Also Todd told me we’re celebrating for you, what happened?” He asks, I tell him the news and he lifts me up again

Jeff and I had been close from the minute we met, it really felt like I met my platonic soulmate to be completely honest. We’re always jokingly flirting with each other for the vlogs and if I’m not with the girls I’m usually with Jeff. Although, lately he’s been too busy to hang out or workout together, on the contrary he’s always free for David and the rest of our friends but when I want to hang out one on one there’s always something. It felt nice, just being the two of us. But alas, as soon as he finished the hug he waltzed right back to our other friends.

“Yea I’ve been doing good, how about you?” I mumble to myself, walking back to our friends as we talk about what to do until the rest of our friends are free to go out for the night

Natalie, Zane, David, and I decided to go somewhere and film some stuff and have a little photoshoot while we were at it. We took some videos of us fucking around in the parking lot of some mall. Zane decided to provide some commentary for the vlog as Nat and I took pictures.

“Look at these whores, won’t take no fucking pictures with me. I’m SAgE anD i’M a FaMoUS MuSICiAn, FuCK YALl” Zane yells, I hand my phone to Nat and walk over to David’s Tesla, grabbing the small paintball gun in the trunk

“Fuck with me again little bitch” I said, walking up to him and shooting him two times in the leg with the paintball gun, he cussed me out on the floor while the three of us laughed our asses off

“Alright let’s get going so we can collect everyone before we go out... or we could have it at David’s house so I don’t have to worry about flashing my ass to random people?” I ask, making puppy eyes at David as he reluctantly give in

“Fine, but you’re helping clean up after” He says, I nod eagerly as the four of us pile into the Tesla

“I’ll let Suzy and Jonah know, everyone else will probably be at the house anyways” Natalie says, quickly typing on her phone

We arrive at David’s house as the sun is setting and we start getting ready for everything. Toddy and Jeff go on an alcohol run, while the rest of us started setting everything up. Natalie and Zane go to get more solo cups and some extra things. I’m helping David put away some valuable things while everyone makes the house presentable and work on making it Zane and Heath proof, which could be impossible.

“Can I be in control of the music king?” I ask, David rolls his eyes at the horrible nickname and nods I connect to the speaker while pouring shots for everyone with the alcohol we have at the house

After I was done pouring the shots the ones who went to run errands came back and we all huddled in the kitchen. I put the down the bottle and we all hold our glasses up.

“May we all get absolutely plastered, and some of incredibly high. Maybe both? And may Zane stay away from the hospital for one fucking night, amen” I yell, we all cheers and take shots

After smoking with some of our friends I go back in the house and find it absolutely packed with people. David is multitasking with taking disposables and filming an incredibly drunk Zane and Ilya. And above all the talking and yelling I hear the familiar beat.

‘Do it, baby. Stick it, baby. Move it, baby. Lick it, baby...’

I scream and run to the make shift dance floor, my girls behind me as I start grinding on Corinna as she smacks my ass. I’m screaming the words, someone hands me a drink and I slowly start to feel myself get loose. Everyone making a circle around Corinna, and myself. We switch and I fall on the couch while Corinna gives me a lap dance.

“PUSSY SO GOOD HE GOT MY NAME ON IT” We scream, grabbing each other as Zane somehow finds himself on my lap too

After the song I make my way to the bar with Zane and Heath, my favorite drinking buddies. After getting a lot more alcohol in me than my entire being can tolerate we go back and start dancing. I was swaying to the music, occasionally dancing with our friends when I feel someone grab me.

“What do you think you’re doing? Shaking your ass for everyone to see” the faint linger of that Staten Island accent makes me smile, but it quickly changes to a frown when my brain registers the words he said

“What do you think Jeffreyyy? I’m-” “Zane what the fuck” I turn and see our friends huddled around the bathroom

“Watch out everyone” Natalie says, backing up and taking a running start towards the door and successfully kicks it down

“Zane why didn’t you say anything? We thought you were dead man” Jeff laughs, I walk into the bathroom and laugh at the sight

After a few more hours the strangers have left the house and our friend group is still going strong. I quietly nurse my water that Jeff forced me to have. David taking some disposables of the rare quiet moment.

“Zane.. I bet you won’t try and fight Jeff right now” I slur, my world still spinning from the poison in my body

“For what?” Zane replies, I smirk and look at Jeff

“Dude I’ll straight up kiss whoever wins” I say, David immediately bringing his vlog camera out and quickly explaining the situation

“Wait I wanna fucking get in on this” Ilya says, the three of them getting up... well Zane and Ilya could barely stand let alone fight Jeff, the most sober one here

The three of them start pushing each other, I’m a little too drunk to really understand what was going on. Before I know it Jeff had them both on the ground and was declared the winner

“Sageee... you gotta kiss Jeff” David teases, shoving the camera in my face as I chuckle

“Oh y’all know I wanna do more than kiss. Come here dumb bitch” I say, turning around on the couch as Jeff stabilizes me and plants a kiss right on my lips as our friends scream and jump around. I pull away and David turns his camera off for the moment.

“Can I pleasee have more shots.. Zane, Ilya get your dumbasses up we’re getting more drunk so David has content” I yell, the two of them immediately getting off the floor and walking with me to the kitchen

“David, come here I have a secret to tell you” I yell, stumbling over to meet him halfway

“Closer, closer..... I’m so fucked up”

#vlog sqaud #vlog squad imagine #jeff wittek #jeff wittek imagine

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justice4harwin · 3 years

Text

Light’s Corruption- Chapter V

Pairing: The DarklingxAlina

Summary:With few friends at the Little Palace, Alina must work to win the favour of her fellow grisha and their commander, who makes her feel light headed every time she sees him.

After training in Os Alta for two years, the king grows tired of waiting and demands the Sun Summoner joins a western post near the Fjerdan border along with the rest of The Second Army to test her abilities.

Something happens. Suddenly, Alina wants blood to run down the rivers and those who stand in her and The Darkling’s way will be blinded by her light and swallowed by his shadows.

It won’t be pretty

Rating: 18+

Click here for chapter 4

As usual, tags are in the comments. If you dont wanna be tagged, dont be afraid to let me know. If you wanna be tagged, let me know too. I dont bite...anymore lmao

Chapter 5: Heartrenders

Days went by, and they turned into weeks. The leaves fell off the trees, a crunchy sea of red, orange, yellow and brown, and Alina wanted to pile them all on and throw herself inside.

She'd do it the first chance she got, but for that she had to beat the gardeners before they took the piles and burnt them to depressing ashes.

She talked to Michail some more during they rounds around the lake and had her rematch with Natasha.

She lost. Again. She laughed it off. Again. Natasha said she hadn't been so easy to defeat that second time, to which Alina smiled almost genuinely. Progress.

Baghra refused to see her still, and Alina was too proud to go back to her, so she tried to practice on her own. She'd hide away on the far sides of the gardens where the other grisha rarely went to and try to gain more control. It was a slow process; the temptation to let her power run free and vast was always there and trying to tame that always left her exhausted. She had no trouble falling asleep, yet each day the bags underneath her eyes seemed to deepen, as did her appetite. Alina was pretty sure that summoning should be for the better, but more than once, she had thoroughly considered laying down on the cold grass and take a nap there instead of walking all the way back to the Little Palace.

The General wasn't back yet, and much to Alina's confusion, frustration and shame, she worried. Maybe that too had something to do with the bags underneath her eyes. She tended to dream of him in all kinds of scenarios, each less pleasant than the last. It made her wake up sweaty and choking for air.

More than once, she almost wrote to him, only if just to make sure he was alright. But he had to be. Otherwise, word would've spread quickly…right?

She always talked herself out of it though. His presence was missed, her mind was making up all kind of tricks to make her reach out to him like a pathetic girl begging for attention.

The thought reminded her of Baghra's opinion of her, which only strengthened her resolve to not write to him.

She had had enough of begging, enough of getting scrapes of affection from a man who hadn't even bother to write once; she wouldn't do it again, no matter how much her heart tried to pull her to him.

But then her eyes would drift back to the black, shadow rose that laid on her nightstand, the little bit of gold on its inside long dead, and her heart would race and some form of reassurance would fall gently over her, like a blanket shielding her body.

She'd reach out and take it in her hands. It had no thorns. Her fingers would run through its petals, as soft as those of a real rose, but with something deeper in there. There was something more alive inside that rose than in any flower in all of Ravka; it was deep, powerful, and dark. It scared and alluded to her in the same measure, and she'd stare at it fascinated for an unfathomable long time.

She wondered if The Darkling could feel her caressing his shadows; and how he'd feel about it.

Besides Michail and Natasha, Alina didn’t seem to be progressing very much. They exchanged niceties and some jokes, even paired up during training, but there was not much more to it.

She told herself to be patient. These things took time.

One early afternoon, Genya showed up on her room unannounced. Alina hurried to hide her rose inside her nightstand; she wasn't sure why, but she wanted it to be her little secret.

"The Queen just left Os Alta." the redhead smiled. "As did the king. They'll be gone for two days on a hunting trip."

"A hunting trip?"

"Yes, where they kill animals for the fun of it. Like one of those brutish size competitions men seem to like so much."

Alina snorted.

"So?"

"So…"there was a gleam to her friend's eyes, and the summoner leaned back and frowned slightly, almost scared. "I could sneak you into the Grand Palace and into Her Royal Bitch's wardrobe."

"We'll get in trouble, Gen."

"Oh, please; have some faith in me." she placed her elbows on the desk and her chin atop of her hands, almost looking angelic. "Do you really think I'd get you in trouble?"

"Yes."

"Well, then you're wrong." she straightened up and tugged on Alina's arm. "C'mon; there's so many gowns and habits: she rarely wears them twice. We're not stealing; no one will know."

"How many gowns?" she asked, genuinely curious. She had seen the queen on two official occasions, the first time when she arrived from the camps near Kribirsk, and the second when she was invited to her ridiculous tea parade. Still, she had seen her in passing a few times as she strolled the grounds. A part of Alina felt ashamed of the jealousy she felt upon seeing her beautiful clothes and jewels.

There she was, living in a palace, wearing a kefta and being pampered, yet she dared to want more.

"Hundreds!" the Tailor whispered excitedly. "And they'll look much better on us anyway."

She gave in a little to temptation. They would just try them on and leave them again. No one would know, and maybe she'd be satisfied then.

"Alright, alright. But we better not get caught."

"Don't worry, we won't."

They left the bedroom and ran down the stairs, Genya holding onto the blue sleeve of her friend as she rambled about all the different fabrics and patterns and accessories while Alina tried to keep up with her, listening to every word while watching her step. The last thing she needed was to trip down the stairs.

That'd be a sad way to go for her.

"You'll love it. I promise!" Genya turned to give her a smile, but Alina's eyes drifted to the looming figure appearing in her line of vision.

The Darkling walked into the Little Palace accompanied by Ivan, Fedyor and a third heartrender.

It was a woman, a little bit older than Alina probably, but only for a few years. She was tall, with long, brown hair cascading down her back. Her kefta, which hugged her rounded figure nicely, gave her away as a fellow heartrender.

The Darkling noticed them approaching. Alina tried to search something in his eyes, anything that gave away any sort of emotion that could cause in him to see her again, but she saw nothing but his usual coolness.

The Summoner and the Tailor came to a stop and bowed.

"Moi Soverennyi." they bowed respectfully.

"Miss Starkov, Miss Safin; it has been some time." he looked from one to the other. "May I inquire as to your present activities?"

"Nothing we're not supposed to do." Alina spat out, earning herself a dainty elbow to the ribs.

General Kirigan rose an eyebrow.

"I see. See to it that it stays that way."

"Of course, sir." spoke Genya, serious all of a sudden.

The man turned and contemplated the strange woman for a moment, then gestured at Alina with a gloved hand.

"This is Alina Starkov, our Sun Summoner." he looked at her, those pools of grey catching her breath. "Miss Starkov, may I introduce you to Nina Zenik. She is one of my best agents and has just recently returned from an assignment in Shu Han."

The woman's green eyes settled on Alina, taking her in. Something glittered in there.

"So, she is real after all."

"Would I lie to you?" was The Darkling's reply.

"You forgot to mention how pretty she is." Nina ignored him, taking a long, stealth step towards her and catching a tendril of Alina's dark hair in her fingers.

"Um, it's a pleasure to meet you." The Sun Summoner managed to say, nervous under the woman scrutiny.

"Oh, a pleasure indeed, sun bean." Nina smiled, amusement shining in her eyes as Alina's face heated up. "I can't wait to make your acquaintance."

Before Alina could even think of an answer -for the woman's pretty eyes were too distracting- The Darkling cleared his throat.

"Not for some time, I am afraid." he said. Alina finally turned her gaze to him. There was something dark and intense in the way he was staring at Nina's back, his jaw tense. "Miss Starkov has quite the busy schedule."

Alina felt Genya tensing beside her. Nina's eyes slid momentarily, as if she could see The Darkling behind her, and nodded, winking at her before receding.

"Certainly. I can only imagine." she turned a charming smile on him. "Should we discuss my mission in private?"

"Of course." he answered almost, almost too quickly. He made a gesture for her to go in first.

"See you around, sun bean."

Alina choked on her own saliva as she struggled to say her farewell.

Ivan left with them without even glancing in their direction; Fedyor was kind enough to give them each a courteous smile.

Genya was giggling like an idiot.

"Shut up."

Now she was laughing.

During their training one day, Alina decided to pair up with her. Many grisha gave her a myriad of odd looks, and for a moment, Alina feared she might be about to face another Zoya.

Nina seemed to not to notice them and beckoned her forward.

People seemed to like Nina, Alina observed. The woman had charm and wit; the Sun Summoner really had to try to not get jealous of those traits. She reminded herself that Nina had been at the Little Palace for years, not one season and a half.

They circled each other, taking their measures.

Alina didn't want to be the one to strike first. That always had seemed to go wrong thus far, so she waited.

The heartrender went to the left, so Alina turned, only to be tricked as she received a blow on her right. She winced and stood back, more alert. She didn't want to make a ridicule again.

"You're small and skinny." the heartrender whispered. Alina arched an eyebrow. "I'm bigger and stronger, so your best option is to tire me out."

"I'm not exactly the fastest person."

Nina threw a punch and, luckily, Alina blocked it successfully.

She shook her head.

"Speed and resistance don't need to go hand in hand."

Alina didn't dare to look around to see if anyone else could hear them. She hoped not. Botkin would most certainly disapprove of his students giving each other advice on how to defeat them.

So, with Nina's words in mind, Alina did her best to block and recede. She tried, mostly unsuccessfully, to punch and kick, and received a wince and an "ouch" as Nina rubbed her calf.

The Summoner could feel everyone still watching, Marie and Nadia cheering her on; Sergei and Michail more reserved since she was fighting a fellow red sporter.

Then, Alina caught a glimpse. It was a second, and before she even knew it, she was taking a chance.

Nina was placing her foot down, twisting it as if to test it, and the next she was laying on her back, Alina having all but hurled herself at the woman, grabbing her middle section with all her strength and pushing.

They landed on the ground, and in the disbelief, the Summoner almost forgot to fully immobilize her opponent the way Botkin had taught her.

"You know," Nina gasped, the breath having abandoned her lungs. "There's better ways to get on top of me, sun bean, but if you like it rough-"

Alina blushed in embarrassment, both for having potentially hurt her and for the path those words were leading to.

"Are you alright?" she interrupted hurriedly. "Did I hurt you?"

Nina tried to laugh and cried instead.

"Shit, sun bean. You do have some strength in that tiny body after all."

"Alright!" Botkin clapped his hands twice, coming over toward them. "The little girl wins again, …finally."

Alina was almost offended. At least Marie and Nadia were cheering, as were some others Etherealki. She noticed Sergei and Michail exchanging some coins and scowled.

"Healer." she called, and one hurried to Nina's side.

"It's just a broken rib." the woman said, setting herself to work.

Nina raised an eyebrow.

"Well, I'm impressed, sun bean. I didn't actually think you'd win."

Alina found a new hiding spot where to practice her summoning. It was a most secluded corner, surrounded by old trees, an unkept stone bench and a dirty sculpture of a woman.

She really wanted to be offended.

With eyes wide, she forgot all about her practice, raced and jumped in, laughing childishly to herself.

She looked up and took in the warmth of the sun with pleasure, her face basking in it as her hands ran through leaves and sticks. It was actually a little uncomfortable, but fun.

She almost wished she could sink in and stay there forever, with the sun warming her body and the crunchy leaves all around her.

There was a big pile of leaves.

"Did you fall?"

A shadow took the light from her face, and she found The Darkling standing over her, looking down with something akin to curiosity.

"No. I just jumped."

"Into a pile of dirt?"

"It's not dirt. Besides, it's fun!" she extended a hand. "Wanna try?"

He huffed. Her cheeks heated up. She should've known better.

He took her hand and pulled her up, the mere contact making everything about him feel more intense as usual.

She held onto him.

"How did you find me?"

"You are my Sun Summoner; did you really think I would let you wander about the palace grounds unguarded?"

"Do you have me followed?" she had never noticed.

"For your safety."

"I thought this was the safest place in all of Ravka."

"I am not taking any chances with you, Alina." he replied, eyes guarded, face soft.

"Well, I've never noticed them."

"It means they are doing a good job. I would not want you to live scared, looking over your shoulder all the time."

"I might as well start now that I know."

He opened his mouth and then closed it, thumb rubbing the back of her hand. Alina wondered if he noticed what he was doing.

"You are right." he stepped closer, pulling a leaf off her hair. "But you need not fear, especially while I am on the palace grounds."

"Because not even the dumbest drüskelle would dare to cross paths with you?"

"Nor would the boldest noble."

Alina frowned. The nobles of Os Alta?

She nodded slowly.

"I have scared you." he stated, studying her face. "I apologize."

"No, no." she let go of his hand. "You just made me wearier."

"That is just how life at court is." he offered, not unkindly. "This is not just an army sometimes, especially for you and I."

Alina looked at him, questioning.

"There is no one else like us, Alina." he said, approaching her once more. The calmness, the facts were gone, replaced by a fire she wanted to step into. The vehemence in his voice made her shiver and want to take refuge in his cloak. "There never will be."

She thought about it. What exactly did he mean by that?

He reached out again and plucked another leaf from her hair, then took her face in his hands. She tilted her head up, desperate for a look into those eyes.

Her heart drummed on her ribcage, wanting to break free.

"I-" words failed her as he studied her face, like she was something unique he wanted to memorize.

His thumb ran over her lips, and she exhaled heavily at the feel.

"I forgot what I came here to tell you." he whispered in confidence, his eyes on her parted lips.

"I don't care."

One of his hands left her face and wrapped around her waist, pressing her against his hard chest. Alina almost gasped, hands coming up to rest on his shoulders. He pressed his forehead against hers and closed his eyes, hiding the conflict she had briefly witnessed there.

Alina made a choice.

She leaned forward and pressed her lips to his.

He reciprocated immediately, holding her tighter and pushing his tongue inside her mouth, demanding a dominance she was more than willing to give him.

She had been kissed, but never like this. It was a first kiss that felt like the last; its intensity so beautifully crushing and chaotic. It was like he was a missing part of her, long searched for and finally found. It was like she was the most precious, addictive treasure, something to be cherished and corrupted at the same time.

Alina was willing to let him do as he wanted with her.

Her hands pulled at his hair, earning a growl. Their eyes met briefly, the desire in them fighting to see whose was grander, before kissing again.

It was like he wanted to pull her closer still, the barrier of clothes too much. Something told Alina that the lack of them wouldn't satisfy either of them anyways.

He kissed her jaw, travelling his way up to her earlobe.

"You make me weak." he whispered harshly, only to proceed to ravish the parts of her neck that were exposed.

"You make me strong." she answered, craning her neck to give him better access.

Growling, he gave her ass a hard squeeze and pushed her back against a tree. She could feel the tug and crunches of the leaves as he buried his hands in her hair but didn't care.

She wanted more.

And more.

She drew his lips back to hers. He reached for the belt which held her kefta closed.

"Sir!"

The next thing Alina knew was that she was standing against a tree, her back aching and her body cold, yet her face hot.

She looked at The Darkling, who seemed almost unperturbed as he smoothly fixed his hair and clothes, standing at a respectable distance from her.

Ivan appeared, seeming to be in a hurry.

Alina narrowed her eyes at him. As if she didn't dislike him enough already, the little shit.

"Moi Soverennyi, you are needed in the king's counsel immediately."

"Tell that grump I shall be there shortly."

Ivan bowed and left, not even acknowledging Alina's presence.

The Darkling cleared his throat. She turned her dark gaze on him, cheeks burning against the cold air, lips probably bruised.

What had just happened?

She wasn't sure, but she wanted to do it again. The Darkling, on the other hand, remained stoic as he stared into her eyes, as if nothing had occurred between them.

"I understand that you have been training on your own;" he said, as if he were talking to any other grisha, ever polite and smooth, voice reassuring yet commanding." I shall speak to Baghra so you may return to your lessons."

"But I don't wann-"

With him gone, the early winter sun felt cold.

"Miss Starkov." he bowed to her respectfully and marched away, disappearing from view within seconds.

Click here for chapter 6

#shadow and bone fanfic #shadow and bone #Alina starkov #the darkling #aleksander morozova #darkling x alina #alina x aleksander #alina x darkling #genya safin #nina zenik #fedyor kaminsky #fanfic

24 notes · View notes

zhansww · 3 years

Text

I’ve been wondering how exactly the misunderstanding of my last rambling post came to be and I think it’s cuz of one of two things; cuz I didn’t make it clear what I consider the word “queer” to mean or cuz I didn’t make it clear that the post itself was my own, subjective opinion. I’m not sure how consistent I’ve been with tagging it but I kinda differentiate between (what I think are) rational opinions I have vs emotional ones. The latter ones are obviously subjective and should not be taken as me, lecturing anyone or implying that everyone should feel the same. You either share the same sentiment or you don’t, there’s nothing wrong with it either way. And if my words in those posts seem hostile/condescending, it’s cuz I don’t feel the need to censor any of my subjective views/feelings. What I do think is important and what I try to pay attention to is not to let the negative emotions that certain things evoke in me control my actions. When I see something that I disapprove of in any way, I don’t hijack that post or report it. If my emotional reaction is particular strong, I’ll vent about it in my own post, not theirs. I considered this to be the decent thing to do but I’ve been told by at least one kind, respectful and open-minded person that I am actively making people’s lives worse with those posts, that my words are violent and that my behavior is that of an “unhinged monster” (the irony here is not lost on me). So I’ve been reflecting and I think the next time I feel a particular strong, negative emotion that makes me want to vent, I’ll put a disclaimer beforehand. And now, let me just actually clarify what my point was of that post. I believe that yz is real so I obviously do not assume they are straight. If they are indeed together, then they are queer - i.e. not straight - but that’s literally it. I have no theories or thoughts about what their specific orientation might be and I won’t ever speculate about that either. I wouldn’t mind knowing but unfortunately, they can’t be openly together right now but when they someday are, they’ll hopefully also feel safe and loved enough to share something like that with us. I know for a fact that figuring out your sexuality is a confusing and intimate process which is why I am opposed to speculating about it. I consider it to be too intrusive. But again; that is my subjective opinion based on my own experiences. I do not expect everyone to share this sentiment. One person said that I should expect such speculation and that might be true, maybe I should expect it but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Seeing certain bxg get mad at solos for assuming yz are straight but then turn around and assume they are [insert any specific sexuality except het] is hypocritical and disappointing in my opinion. I think it’s perfectly fine to have such emotional opinions as long as you don’t let those emotions cloud your judgement and lead to you, reacting in a way that is unreasonable and possibly harmful. I also think that everyone should be willing to have their rational opinions questioned but when it comes to an emotional opinion, it doesn’t have to make sense and it’s probably not gonna change either. To give another example; I hk disapprove of yz r/p/f. And that’s not me, saying it is inherently wrong and that no one should do it. In fact, you could try to make a case about how I should like it and approve of it but it wouldn’t make me change my mind precisely because this opinion is not based on logic but just on emotion. And again, as long my emotional reaction to something doesn’t lead to unreasonable actions, then the emotion itself is alright to have. And like I already said, I thought it was okay to vent those emotions in my safe space but apparently, it isn’t. No one should take those posts personally or like I’m talking to them or lecturing them. I thought that this was all obvious but since I got told otherwise, I will be more concise from now on.

You know, when someone starts a “discussion” by insulting you (implicitly or not), that’s usually a clear sign that they’re not even trying to understand you. I’ve seen at least one person reblog the reblogs and seemingly take some kind of vicious pleasure in seeing someone else sh-t on me. Something like that leads me to think that they already had a negative impression of me to begin with which is why their minds gladly misunderstood me and jumped to the worst possible conclusion. They also all seemed to either ignore my explanations or seemed intent on misunderstanding me, no matter what. To be clear, I don’t blame them entirely for it because I could have expressed my point better but for them to immediately think their misunderstanding is the right one - instead of asking me to explain myself perhaps - is also wrong. Mind you, I don’t expect those people to see or care about this post. The main reason I’m trying to clarify myself is for myself. I said I’ll try to be more concise in expressing my views (regardless of whether it’s a subjective one or not) from now on and I thought I should let this be the start of that. There was one reply in particular that ... affected me a lot harder than I thought anything could. I think it’s cuz my depression already makes me feel like I’m a waste of space 24/7. One thing I take comfort in, though, is the fact that, at the very least, the only one who’s hurting because of it is me, no one else. At least I don’t hurt others. But I got told otherwise. I got called an unhinged monster. The unhinged part is true but also being a monster... it made me feel like I’m less than a waste of space. Like, let’s say if normal people always feel like a 1, I always feel like a 0. Getting insulted like that made me feel like a -1. Instead of feeling like a read newspaper, that’s just waiting to get thrown in the trash, that insult made me feel like I’m the asbestos in the house, something that is actively harmful and you need to get rid of. Does that make sense? Anyway... I engaged in “discussions” despite my better judgement and now, I have to pay the price for it so I also decided that I won’t do that again. Hopefully, there won’t even be any more misunderstandings but if there are and someone hijacks my posts and insults and/or willfully misunderstands me, I will just block them. For my own sanity. And for the record, if there’s something in this or any of my subjective/emotional posts that can be misunderstood, that I didn’t make clear enough; please feel free to ask me about it. Please don’t immediately think the worst of me. And when it comes to my more objective/rational opinions, I am always open for discussions as long as we can remain respectful throughout.

I would also like to express my gratitude to anyone who reached out. I’m not sure if the damage can be undone to be honest (it doesn’t feel like it right now) but anyone who offered words of advice, understanding, support or kindness helped soften it. I cannot express how grateful and appreciative I am for it all, any replies or private messages. You helped make me feel less shitty and I thank you so so much. I’m definitely gonna save all the mental health advice cuz I really did not know how to deal with that overwhelming desire to... stop existing in that moment and I want to keep it in mind if (or when) I get affected this badly by something again. I intend to also reply to the messages privately ofc but for now, please accept all of my love and gratitude~

I’m gonna put the rest - which is more personal - under a cut and also tw cuz I’ll elaborate on my mental health/depression. This isn’t exactly something I want to share tbh but I think I shouldn’t shy away from it either. And I feel like I need to explain myself, just for anyone who cares to know.

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If you compare life to walking on a path, then I at some point - I don’t even remember when - stopped walking and starting digging a hole for myself. It musta been years ago. Right now, that hole is so deep that I have no idea how to get out of it on my own, much less how to move forward. I think I always knew that there must be something wrong with me mentally. This isn’t something that is being talked about in my family, though, so I never extensively thought about it. Not until earlier this year, when my sister told me that she thinks I’m sick and I should see a therapist. My immediate reaction was to reject the idea but I really couldn’t do that for long. As of right now, I have been tentatively diagnosed (not sure if that’s what you call it in English) with depression but I haven’t actually found a permanent therapist and therefore also not started therapy yet. I have no idea what exactly is wrong with me and this not-knowing makes it somehow worse. I haven’t been properly functioning for the past two days - ever since I got called unhinged monster - cuz those words are burned into my brain by now and keep repeating themselves. It feels like my mind was given another weapon to slowly k-ll me with. It keeps reminding me that that’s what I am and then I start trembling and my breathing gets weird and it’s harder than usual for me to distract myself. And this is all so overwhelming for me, I have truly no idea how to deal with any of it. I don’t even know if I named it right, if it really is called a “depressive episode”. I’m hoping I’ll get to find out what exactly is wrong with me and how I can cope with it once I find a therapist. My lack of knowledge regarding what I myself am going through makes it all very confusing and difficult. Another reason why I kind of organized my thoughts and wrote them all down here is cuz I hope it will help me somehow, make my mind stop letting those really bad thoughts in. But in that moment when I felt especially f-cked up, any words of advice or kindness helped. I hope everyone who reached out knows that. Just... thank you. So damn much.

#long post #personal #about me #depression tw #text

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vietzuko · 3 years

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if we used to share a discord server, this post is for you!

hello! i am going to try to do this as anonymously and non-confrontationally as possible. i do not want this to be a spectacle or call out post, but i will say that i am quite disturbed by the way situations have transpired on the server.

in case you didn’t notice, i left! when i left, i wrote a little goodbye post in #general, which has since been deleted. either the mods deleted my goodbye or they banned me from the server (which automatically would delete my message). in case you didn’t see it, here was my goodbye message:

hi everyone, i’m leaving the server. if you’re a POC who is interested in joining an ATLA server where POC can talk about ATLA and critically discuss race, feel free to PM me for a link! otherwise, this is goodbye. see you all around.

i won’t rehash everything that happened in the events leading to this, nor will i name names in this post. if you were on the server, you probably saw what happened publicly or you can message me personally, either here or on discord. if we know each other through the server and you want some clarity over names/events in this post, please PM me.

if you are a POC in the ATLA fandom who is concerned by the events of this post and you would like me to clarify which server i’m talking about, please PM me.

i just wanted to share the very long message that i sent to the mods (on their prompting!) because i feel that it shows my perspective on what transpired. unfortunately, this message did not result in any meaningful change, except for me getting banned/my messages removed from the server. i suppose that’s a type of meaning! haha.

anyway. here’s the message. cw for racism, yellowface

hi MOD 1 (and presumably the other mods who will read this message)! thanks for reaching out. i’ve had some time to dwell on the situation and discuss it with other people in the server who witnessed it and reached out to me personally. this is going to be an unbelievably long message, so i apologize in advance and thank you for your time in reading it.

i think the first thing i’d like to do is give some context for the incident and to give my perspective on why i said the things i said.

i have PMed a mod about a racist incident in the server exactly once. it was when i first joined, and i saw a picture of a white person in yellowface in the cosplay channel. i didn’t know any of you personally yet (and this was before some of you even joined on as mods). i have since told SERVER MEMBER 1 about this incident and i’m pretty sure they mentioned it to you because i noticed you’ve changed the yellowface rule. but i think that the context of me pinging a mod about a racist incident and then witnessing another (although less egregious) instance of racism by the mods might explain why i am, in general, hesitant about talking to mods about racism on the server. i am just trying to live my life and experience as few micro-aggressions as possible.

i also think the fact that i regularly educate and push back against white people’s racially harmful messages in the server is also important context. i realize none of you likely know this, but about every two weeks i receive an unsolicited PM from a different white person apologizing/asking for forgiveness/asking for reassurance/asking further questions about their racism on the server. i’m glad people are learning from me, but this is a huge amount of emotional labor that i put into the server and its members because of course i have to reply and explain things and tell them not to worry and thank them for apologizing, etc. i know that these messages aren’t your fault, nor am i asking you to do anything about this. but it feels important that you know the price that i (and perhaps other poc in the server, although i can’t speak to that) pay in order to share space with you.

MOD 2 has even messaged me personally to thank me for educating people in the server and responding to racist messages, saying: “really appreciate how much effort you put in and everything, i was trying to type something up but floundering badly.” it was a nice message, and i appreciated it a lot! it also led me to believe that the mods would prefer if i engage with racist messages myself, rather than ping them, because it felt like i was just going to be more able/willing to articulate a response anyway.

so when SERVER MEMBER 2 messaged the zukka channel “thought that lives in my head rent free: Sokka's hairstyle in canon is just a warrior's hairstyle and has meaning because of that. Sokka wearing the same hairstyle in a modern AU is undisputably queer-coded” and nobody replied for a while, i assumed that it was because they had seen what i had seen-- a racially insensitive message that totally ignores sokka’s indigenous heritage and the history behind indigenous hair-- so i decided to step in with what i thought was a balanced response.

SERVER MEMBER 2 then replied with a cheery “Fair enough! I will defer to your greater knowledge,” which i couldn’t tell was sarcastic or not, but i decided to be generous and to believe they were genuinely thankful for my reply, so i responded with a “you too can have great knowledge. i only know things because i read things. anyone can read things and learn,” which is something i firmly believe and also a way to divert the conversation away from SERVER MEMBER 2’s mistake, which i felt was the most dignified solution for them. i suppose this message could be read as aggressive because i didn’t use exclamation marks? but that feels unfair and ungenerous because i genuinely did not mean this message in a harsh way.

then SERVER MEMBER 3 jumped in and asked a few questions, which i read as a request for clarification, so i tried to continue to explain my point. it felt like SERVER MEMBER 3 wasn’t understanding what i was trying to explain, or at least i wasn’t able to articulate myself well enough, which was making me a little tired and stressy (and i was also thinking about my own race and queerness in stressful and triggering ways), so i decided to tap out of the conversation.

me: dude i love u and i respect u and i truly believe that u are trying very hard to understand, but this conversation is making me kinda heated

SERVER MEMBER 3: I’m gonna step back from it because it’s not my conversation to insert myself into, which is what I did initially and apologize for

me: i think it's so important to engage + ask questions & i appreciate that u respect my opinions on these things, but i think i'm just. i have said what i need to say and now must sleep. much love to all.

to me, this felt like me expressing that i was feeling tired and upset and leaving the conversation, while still attempting to reassure SERVER MEMBER 3 that i still admired him as a friend. i felt like the conversation had ended peacefully!

i hope this helps explain why MOD 3’s message came as such a surprise.

“the escalation to defensiveness and accusation regarding the original (relatively benign) statement was unnecessary and exaggerated. There’s an atmosphere of purity policing that’s been growing, which is why I took away the squick channel, as I assumed that a space that encouraged no repercussions was facilitating irresponsibility aggressive arguments. “

i truly didn’t believe i was being defensive. i was very careful not to accuse anyone of anything. in fact, i tried as far as i could to coat my language in “i” statements-- “i would personally not choose…”, “i would just. stay away from…” in order to avoid “accusations.” i was also trying very hard not to be aggressive, and i (and other poc that i have spoken to about this) believe that the idea that my messages were aggressive is racialized. just because a poc is upset about racism, it doesn’t mean they’re attacking you personally!

i feel so hurt that my messages were wilfully interpreted in this way, instead of being read generously and from a more compassionate perspective, especially since i voiced my own upset and discomfort during the conversation. it distresses me to think that me expressing negative emotions is seen as aggressive, rather than a cause for empathy or care, and i do believe that this is because of my race.

if a mod had asked me to take the messages to the DMs or to squick or even just let me know that someone was interpreting my messages as aggressive, i would have changed my behavior. (like i said earlier, i spend a HUGE amount of energy coddling white people on this server. i am very used to it.)

instead, i got the shock of 45 minutes after the fact, being publicly chastised and labeled as aggressive and being told that my conversation was “something nasty or unwanted.”

the idea that SERVER MEMBER 3 was de-escalating a “clearly escalating situation” feels untrue to me. i was ready to move on after i sent my message to SERVER MEMBER 2, but he kept engaging me on the subject! (no hate to SERVER MEMBER 3 on this.)

i think one of the most painful parts of this whole situation is the implication that i was attempting to “purity police,” as though i am a person who picks fights just because i want to feel good about picking fights?? or to act holier-than-thou???? i do not do this. if you have witnessed ANY interaction i’ve had with a racially insensitive white person on the server, you will know this.

i am simply a person of color trying to live my life. i do not want to fight about racism. i want to chill out and watch my cartoons. unfortunately, sometimes, someone will say something that i consider racially insensitive and i will do my best to engage and explain why i find this insensitive. that is all. (it is important to note that most of the time, when i see racially insensitive things on the server, i do not say anything because i am tired and it is a lot of effort to engage. i truly only engaged this time because nobody had replied to the message and i was just like, oh, fine, i guess i’ll educate, since no one else has!)

this whole incident has honestly made me really hurt and disrespected. i have enjoyed my time on the server and i have made some good friends there. however, it feels clearer and clearer to me that the server is a space where white feelings of safety (not being criticized for their racist content) are prioritized over poc’s feelings of safety (not having to witness and experience racist content). i sincerely considered myself to be an active and enthusiastic member of the server, maybe even friends with some of you, but it feels to me that all of our previous positive interactions have been displaced by this idea of me as an aggressive, overzealous purity cop who calls things racist for fun.

i don’t even know how to repair my relationship with the server after this because i really do feel horrible and sick about the whole thing. i have spoken to other poc who also expressed their concerns about the way the mods handled the situation, even if these other poc weren’t directly involved, and some of us are considering leaving the server, if we haven’t already. (i would also like to note that these people reached out to me, unprompted, to make sure i was doing okay after what they and i interpreted as a micro-aggression by the mods. like, we independently read the situation in this way.)

(also, not sure if this matters, but i talked to SERVER MEMBER 3 the morning after the incident because i wanted to make sure he was okay, and we both ended up apologizing to each other and having a really good and productive talk.)

thanks again for reading this. i hope that you’ll be able to better understand my perspective on what occurred. i truly appreciate the work that you put into the server (especially as someone who also puts work into the server lol), and i know it’s difficult to mod a large server (i also mod an atla server!), but i continue to feel hurt about this. i know it’s hard to read tone over server messages, but i really wish that my (and SERVER MEMBER 4′s and SERVER MEMBER 5′s ) server messages had been read with greater compassion.

...

and that’s all folks! i’m going to be remaking my blog soon, partially because this whole experience has exhausted me and partially because i have been meaning to anonymize my internet presence for some time.

#felix.txt

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intrulogical · 4 years

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logan’s spotify playlist analysis

just a few (not really) thoughts i’ve garnered from the logan spotify playlist. fair warning, i have not heard of any of these songs before so i can be incorrect in interpreting some of the lyrics but hey, i’m trying my best, give ya girl a chance. i’ll also analyze the songs in order. summaries of my interpretations for each song is near at the end of the post! if you want to add anything, feel free to reply or reblog with your addition!

(one note, i won’t analyze the other sides’s playlist. i only did this because logan is my favorite, but if you want another analysis, i might do remus only if he gets one.)

big thanks to the logang discord who talked to me about the spotify playlist and my friend jana for proofreading this and letting me ramble to them! the analysis is below the cut. word count: 8300.

edit: apparently two songs aren’t available in my country, so i wasn’t able to see them right away to be added on this analysis. please check this post for the analysis of the songs what i do for u and the watchtower.

reblogging is highly appreciated!!! i worked rlly hard on this!!

tw: lots of logan angst, mentions of repression of emotions, mentions of lack of self esteem, and there’s a mention of suicide/depresion at the song “one more time with feeling” but i’ll mention it on the bullet so you know which part to skip!

the description of the playlist written by logan is interesting: “I was impelled to compile this selection of songs. I don’t entirely understand some of the lyrics, but I still found them compelling. Listen, or don’t.” the “listen, or don’t” part really suggests many things. one idea you can gain from that is that logan is probably ashamed of the songs he selected, even if he liked them, because it could be dubbed as “childish” but another thought i got is that the playlist confesses a lot of logan’s insecurities and personal issues, which might make him hesitant to present this to us because he’s not used to expressing himself and is probably scared of what others may think of him.

moreover, logan admitting he didn’t understand some of the lyrics sound a bit like a lie to me. while some songs could be difficult to understand without the lyrics, they all connect to something about logan, and to me, it’d make more sense that logan is hesitating to admit that some lyrics resonate with him because the lyrics connect to his personal identity/issues and he is definitely covering it up by saying he just vibes with the song’s aesthetic.

starting off, the elements by tom lehrer gives us the general idea about logan. he’s smart, he’s intelligent, he probably knows a lot more than what thomas knows which is weird but it works because it’s logan.

additionally, i just found out on genius.com that the song was meant to introduce the elements of the periodic table to an audience with a catchy tune so it can be remembered easily. this could imply that when thomas is learning something rather difficult, logan’s there to find different ways to teach thomas the lesson which thomas can easily adapt to.

white & nerdy by “weird al” yankovic is one of the few songs in logan’s playlist that’s in the form of a rap. before we dive into this song, i’d like to mention that logan picking very fast-paced songs are very interesting because i feel like raps and fast-paced songs resemble logan’s thought process. like remus, i feel like logan has an influx of thoughts and ideas that run across his head at any given time. fast songs could easily represent how much logan is thinking because raps can easily inform listeners about a lot of ideas and thoughts in one quick moment.

anyway, back to white & nerdy, first thing’s first: logan is an absolute nerd, but he also wants to be perceived as cool. this song practically screams “tryhard nerd is trying to be hip with the kids” and logan could probably relate to that on a spiritual level.

lyrics that probably stand out from this song would be the “I wanna bowl with the gangstas / But, oh well, it's obvious I'm white and nerdy” which is repeated throughout the song with the verbs changed in every chorus. “They see me strollin', they laughin' / And rollin' their eyes 'cause I'm so white and nerdy” could imply that the way logan is trying to be “cool” is failing because no matter what, everyone will still see him as a “nerd” above all else. because of this, it’s hard for him to relate and communicate with the other sides because the way he expresses himself could be something perceived as weird to the other sides. logan is just that different with the others, maybe you can suggest he’s the odd one out.

(this is probably also why in dwit, when he was called “cool”, he let out a disbelieving noise. he just wants to be seen as cool while also being himself and in dwit, he achieved that. the flashcards logan uses across the series is supposed to make him look “cool” but in dwit, he didn’t use any of that at all, being himself throughout the episode, and at the end, he was finally called “cool” for being himself.)

also, this may be a stretch, but if the other sides are supposed to be the “gangstas” he wants to roll with, that also can imply that logan doesn’t think lowly of the other sides. rather, he thinks of them as cool as well, and he wants to be just like them.

algorhythm by childish gambino is a very interesting song and a song that might be a bit difficult to understand (poor me with my bilingual problems) but an interesting take i found on genius.com helped me understand the context of the song. i will explain the song first before discussing how it connects to logan because this song is so smart. the song’s verses display apprehension as many of the lyrics question the validity of humanity and our society. the verses are intentionally distorted and inaudible because these statements oppose what could be deemed as acceptable in the society. the reason it is portrayed this way is because the person is afraid to be the odd one out in a society who thinks otherwise, despite how correct this one person is while the rest of the society isn’t. the chorus, while it could be perceived as something fun, talks about how majority of the society would choose to be ignorant about what is truly happening in our society and they would often follow whatever is popular, trendy, or fun; that is what the “algorhythm” really means. the chorus demands us to follow whatever is being said, to move our body exactly how society expects us to move. we follow the pattern that society deems is good, no matter how many problems still persist in the society. that is why the chorus is the most audible part of the song, why be hesitant when whatever you’re doing is something that the society loves doing as well? the song repeats “the algorhythm is perfect, mmh” twice, and it is expressed by the person who is having questioning thoughts about the algorhythm. this implies that no matter what, you will succumb to whatever society demands of you, and anything, especially the thoughts of one person against many, would not be able to change that.

now, how does this connect to logan? there are two main things i’d love to discuss: 1.) logan being the odd one of the group as his beliefs and thoughts are often brushed aside as they contradict what the other three core sides believe. and; 2.) while sometimes correct, the other three core sides in certain situations could offer the wrong solutions for problems without knowing they are negatively impacting thomas. logan’s the person questioning the society, the other core sides are the majority who can sometimes be ignorant of what could truly be the best solution for problems that arise, and thomas is the one who blindly follows what the majority presents as solutions, consequently making some of his problems worse.

now for the first point: logan usually is the most insightful whenever there is a problem that needs to be dealt with. it’s already known that he wants to be listened to so badly, and this song implies that he feels disregarded for thinking differently, even if it’ll benefit thomas immensely. an example would be in dwit wherein patton and virgil wouldn’t stop doubting and cutting him off whenever he tries to help thomas. the song is implying that because of how he is the odd one out in the group, he is starting to become more apprehensive about what he thinks because he feels like he’s wrong most of the time. it implies that he thinks it’d be easier to succumb to what the others think is right rather than to think his own opinions are important. just like in the song, logan is “(Moving how they say so)” because at some point, he gives in to the idea that he is incorrect and wrong, and is beginning to adapt to what the majority thinks is right.

for the second point, i don’t want to suggest i’m berating the other three core sides when in reality, those three are also very important to thomas, but then again, those three aren’t the most flexible when accepting suggestions that come from logan. while the three don’t always agree on certain solutions, they agree more with each other compared to agreeing to solutions suggested by logan. when thomas sees this, he might think that because more sides agree with one idea, maybe it’s better to go with the majority, and that pushes logan away more despite his contributions actually being useful to the group.

okay, this is added last minute because i got the thought really late but i think we should recognize this as the event that pushed logan to start having higher expectations for himself. the previous song shows us he wants to be perceived as cool, but the next song shows us he wants to be perceived as perfect. the problem logan had with himself definitely evolved for the worse and i think this song shows us what pushed logan to be so nitpicky about how un-perfect he is.

fitter happier by radiohead has a very direct message and its connection to logan is the same with the message they are trying to say on its own. this song showcases the high expectations logan has for himself to be the most perfect side for thomas, when in reality, the list of things described in the song ironically doesn’t describe how we can become the “most perfect” human; it describes how we can be the most inhuman thing in the world. if anything, the list of activities only makes us more machine than human, which is why the song is spoken through a robotic voice. the connection to logan is really easy to make here: logan thinks that pushing himself to strictly follow a certain itinerary would be beneficial for him in the hopes that he can be the most perfect version of himself for thomas, when in reality, it’s unrealistic as it only encourages the repression of his negative emotions. moreover, this song implies that logan needs to understand that he is allowed to be free and to make mistakes because no human can ever be perfect. all he’ll end up doing is abuse himself if he continued down this path of repression and strict planning for himself. to be the best version of yourself means it’s okay to make mistakes, and it’s important to learn from them, and if you follow this toxic planning for yourself, you’ll only end up being trapped.

medicine by STRFKR gave me a bilingual headache because this song is kind of difficult to understand, even more than algorhythm. someone in genius.com mentioned that “Never Remember / Your Birthday” is actually wrong, and rather, it should be “ Never Remember / You’re perfect / Or anything you like”. the song itself talks about philosophy, saying you can never be perfect because if you realize that you are perfect, you become egotistical and you lose interest in learning more if you realize you’re “perfect”. logan would never, ever want to lose interest in learning-- that’s his entire being, damnit! logan wouldn’t be a person who’d want to disregard the importance of learning. because of this, the song implies logan recognized the fact that he can never be perfect, albeit quite hesitantly, but he still aims to be the best he can be for thomas.

the song states that while we cannot be perfect, we can still be curious and hungry for knowledge, and that would be a good substitute for aiming to be perfect. curiosity is the medicine being talked about in the song, and if logan can’t be perfect, at least he can be curious because in that way, logan can learn, logan can educate himself, and logan would be knowledgeable enough for thomas.

the breach by clipping. implies that logan is the most rational side who knows how to keep everything steady. while i won’t get into details of what the song is about, the song is rapped by a computer white a problem is occuring in the space ship they are in. just like the computer, logan is the side who oftentimes knows the correct approach for any given problem, but tends to complicate how he expresses his statements. i believe this song expresses how analytical logan is and how he requires himself to be the most specific he can be at any given moment. same points that i mentioned earlier could be applied again here: despite how intricate logan can be, the other sides need to listen to him more because whatever he’s saying isn’t just useless jargon. he does make valid statements and the other sides need to listen to him more or else, just like at the end of the song, everything can become utter chaos.

just one more thing to add-- while i am unfamiliar with the album, i read the genius.com annotations for the lyrics and it mentioned that the computer, who is a character in the album, slowly becomes more human-like over the course of the story. in this song, which is the beginning of the album, we can easily interpret the computer as an over-analyzing unemotional machine, but over time, they get to become more human and think past their coding. they get to develop their own emotions and they get to become something more than a logical device. see a connection with logan? this implies that logan’s arc will involve himself being able to differentiate himself as an individual and himself as logic. while he is thomas’s logic, he needs to allow himself to be his own person and have his own personality. (i wonder how that’ll mix in with the “i’m not perfect enough” problem logan has)

letter c by zach sherwin depicts logan’s frustration from being made fun of. the line “Hey you know the only difference between ‘rap’ and ‘crap?’ It’s the letter C” basically implies that someone told logan that his passions and interests are synonymous to shit. throughout the series, while logan’s passions aren’t directly invalidated, he has been called nicknames often, and also is doubted from time to time whenever he expresses something to the others. but the thing is, teaching others, educating others-- that’s what logan is passionate about, and the fact that a lot of the others are disinterested by what he says would undoubtedly make logan frustrated, like what happens in the song.

however, logan is not good at comebacks unless it was planned in advanced, but this song gives us a good idea of logan’s thought process whenever he gets insulted. we know he keeps a notebook of everything said to him that is deemed as stupid (embarrassing phases ep i think?) and we can understand that insults really get to him and sticks to him deeply. he overthinks about them; he ponders about them.

other than that, having no comebacks also make logan feel ashamed of himself (which is suggested at the end of the song) because not only would he look stupid to the others, he would also look uncool or un-perfect, and he really doesn’t want to be perceived as either.

galaxy song from monty python is honestly just adorable. while it is sad to see that logan probably doesn’t seek comfort in other people, he does seek comfort in the stars. he is very passionate about astronomy, and while i doubt thomas took the astronomy class logan desperately wanted him to take, logan still hasn’t given up on astronomy like thomas did. while some might be scared of the idea that we are a mere speck in the universe that extends infinitely, logan is fascinated by it. logan loves knowledge, logan loves learning, and he is very fond of astronomy mostly because the knowledge he can earn is unlimited. additionally, he finds worth in himself because he was born in a universe filled with many stars and planets that he finds fascinating, and i think that’s adorable.

streaks by ANIMA! depict thomas’s and logan’s shared development throughout the years, especially when thomas was still a teenager. while there are many hardships growing up, these hardships were detrimental for thomas to understand himself further, and it is all thanks to logan for helping thomas make sense of everything. here, logan highly values education, thinking of it as a crucial part of thomas’s future. the song suggests that logan has planned for thomas’s future for a very long time, and he is convinced that whatever thomas is going through in school will help benefit logan’s plans for thomas. once thomas left school, particularly college, he has learnt everything he needs for a brighter future. all of this knowledge and development is thanks to logan, and the lines “Throw em in the water / They will sink or float / If you don't then you will never know” speak of the process of how logan was able to gain information and knowledge that thomas would apply for himself in the future. this knowledge isn’t limited to academic knowledge-- it’s about his social life, about his personal self, it’s everything thomas has learned. everything thomas knows now is thanks to logan.

okay but here comes the angst. the line “You're a smart kid, tough kid, but you're still a kid that grew” implies so much. firstly, we can recognize that logan probably has had a long time plan for thomas’s future and his career since he was a teenager, and he expects thomas to follow this plan right after college because he expects that at this point, thomas has fully come to understand himself and he needs to put all this progress and development into good use. what he didn’t expect is that thomas was still developing, still changing, and is still “a kid that grew” despite graduating. as we know, thomas mostly does youtube/theatre for a living, and it probably pained logan that all this planning he has turned out pointless. but even if thomas changed career plans right after college, the chorus repeating again implies that logan is still helping thomas develop. he still makes plans for thomas, he contributes ideas for thomas to place in his videos, and most importantly, he ensures a successful life for thomas, no matter what.

erase me by ben folds five is easily one of the angstiest songs on the playlist. in the song, the singer is trying to sing about a breakup and how their ex treats the singer as worthless. if we want to envision this in logan’s perspective, the song would be talking about the fragile relationship logan has with the other sides. the song describes their home together as “Paper not stone” which implies that their relationship was shaky, was unstable, and it was no surprise for logan that they eventually left him. yea, it wasn’t logan who left, but it was the others. this is implied by the line “And when you pulled your half away”.

even if it is implied that the others left him first, the song still suggests that logan cares deeply about them. but even if he cares about the others, he questions his worth nonstop, evident in like… the whole song. the song is called “erase me”, so it’s no surprise that logan blames himself in this situation and would even think of himself as the problem. it’s clear in the song that logan still deeply cares about the others, and their opinions on him still affect him gravely. the last line “And if you feel nothing, guess what I wanna be? Nothing.” implies that logan highly considers what the others say towards him, and sometimes would treat it as fact. if the others think nothing of him then maybe, he is nothing. throughout the series, logan has been repeatedly insulted and made fun of and while he becomes defensive, the songs in this playlist show that he does listen to the others and their criticisms of him, and he wants to change himself because of it.

while logan ponders deeply about the insults said to him, the song shows us that the others don’t think much of it. the song actually implies they’ve replaced logan as if he were some utility and acted nothing of it. they don’t realize the emotional pain they’ve inflicted unto logan and he knows this. logan recognizes that they don’t consider his worth. additionally, the line “Go and call the cops now, baby” sort of implies that thomas is also in on this and has heard of what the others said about logan and is siding with the others.

not only does logan feel incredibly sad by this, it’s obvious that logan is also very angry. he’s angry that the others think of him as useless, he’s angry that the others think he’s replaceable, and while he does listen to their jabs at times, he similarly just wants to prove them wrong. while the line “Erase me” can depict him succumbing to their jeers, this could also be about logan thinking of a way that’ll make the others realize his worth. the lines “We know that you don’t seem to think about what you need ‘til you reach to find that you’ve erased me.” suggests that the others can only understand his worth if logan erases himself completely. while the others pushed him away, they haven’t really erased him completely, but they just simply avoided him. if logan actually is gone, or maybe if he… ducks out, the others might realize what big of a mistake they’ve committed.

(honestly, it also must be frustrating for logan that the only way he can prove his worth is to disappear from the others. is his efforts just not good enough for them?)

also, at this point of the playlist, it is quite evident that logan is not emotionless. he has emotions, but clearly… they aren’t positive ones. many of these songs already tell us of logan’s problems: he isn’t listened to enough, he’s been left behind, he’s frustrated with himself, he wants to appear cool to the others, etc. and what’s worse is that he’s dealing with all these problems alone. one of the reasons he probably is repressing his emotions besides wanting to be “perfect” for thomas is that he does not want to reveal how much negative emotions have flooded him because of the other sides. he doesn’t want the others to be hurt just like how they hurt him.

now, art is dead by bo burnham definitely speaks of logan’s thoughts on art, and how flawed he believes roman and thomas’s artistry is. logan would define art as something you can be passionate about with money never being a factor of how great you are performing. in logan’s opinion, roman’s way of creating art is flawed. he views roman’s passion as something fake. instead of being the artist roman thinks he is, logan thinks of him as someone merely egotistical and selfish, someone who’s immature and craves attention. and while this might be harsh on logan’s part, i also think logan recognizes that this egotistical side roman is showing is most likely fake. in the lines “It’s all an illusion / I’m wearing makeup”, and “My drug’s attention / I am an addict / But I get paid to indulge in my habit”, logan understands that perhaps, roman is hiding under a facade. moreover, logan recognizes the danger behind roman endlessly craving attention from others. logan understands that there is a negative side to roman’s need for attention because roman needs to understand that he is valid even without other people praising him; roman relying on attention to measure his value is only going to ruin himself and his self-esteem. while i think the song has many messages behind it (please god help me because i don’t know how to explain this song well), i think this song discusses how despite loathing roman at some times, he is trying his best to understand him. while some parts downright insult roman, some parts show that logan understands roman is hurting.

another interpretation i’ve got is this song shows logan’s views on thomas becoming an entertainer. he thinks that the career he has now is undignifying and embarrassing. logan expresses that people who are entertainers or artists have stopped creating art because of it being their passion; rather, logan thinks these people do it because it’s a cheap way to earn money quickly. in this way, logan feels like the career he has now is unsatisfying because it all feels like a cheat to him. in the song, they state the unfairness of how rich entertainers are despite being lazy compared to people who work in drugstores, aiming to help people the best they can 24/7 with low pay. another lyrics you can use to describe logan’s frustration with how unsatisfied he is with this lifestyle would be the line “Cause I wanted my name in lights / When I could have fed a family of four / For forty fucking fortnights / Forty fucking fortnights.”. but even if logan feels undignified, he succumbs to the fact that he’s trapped being this kind of artist, but it’s obvious he isn’t too happy about it.

equation by hans zimmer & camille is unexpectedly depressing. this song is most likely sung from the perspective of a child growing up, overwhelmed by how much they have to learn before they reach adulthood. this entire song depicts a child asking questions which are supposed to make them look “grownup” enough, hoping they are on the right path for a successful future. i think this song depicts the stress logan experienced when thomas was approaching adulthood because everyone practically depended on him for thomas to have a successful life. this acknowledges the only time logan has felt overwhelmed by the influx of knowledge he had to learn just so he can ensure thomas that everything will turn out okay. in the song, the singer asks a lot of questions that could be labelled as something “grownups” would do, which shows us that logan’s need to be professional all stemmed from him wanting to help thomas become successful in the future. but even if logan was able to plan for thomas’s future, there are some parts of the song that imply that logan longs for times he was a child again. it’s just… logan just grew up so fast, everyone relied on him at such a young age, and he never really enjoyed his childhood to the fullest. he wonders where his childhood went, and he patiently waits for the happiness he experiences as a child to come back again. then again, that happiness would never return, would it?

additionally, the lines “Have I made you cross? Have I made you sad? Have I made you proud, Mom?” imply that when logan was growing up, he was, most of the time, alone. he never really confided in others for any problems he had, and he preferred handling everything independently. nobody seemed to pay attention to him anyway, even if he really cares for the other sides. i know it’s been said before but logan really needs to gain more recognition for everything he’s done for thomas, and people really need to listen to him more.

while logan would never admit this now, i do think logan, as a child, was immensely overwhelmed by how much he thinks. just like remus, logan has an influx of thoughts and ideas going through his head, and when he didn’t understand it in the past, he probably wanted all of it to quiet down. his role as logic is tiring, and while logan understood this at a young age, i believe that growing up, he began to normalize this as it happens too frequently over the years, evident by how logan usually acts throughout the series. to this day, logan probably has many experiences where he feels exhausted or stressed, but he intentionally doesn’t tell the others about it because again, he thinks that being this stressed is a normal occurrence.

(this is probably why he doesn’t wanna open up with others in the series. while i think he is repressing emotions intentionally, i feel like sometimes, he just doesn’t admit he is stressed because he shrugs it off as a normal occurrence.)

sunrise from in the heights is one of the more unique songs in the playlist. yes yes i know, as a logince fan i am also screaming internally and externally but i do have a different explanation as to why logan placed this song in his playlist aside from him wanting to be closer to roman. this song displays a moment of someone learning, something logan is quite fond of. while the song displays an educational experience between two characters, it’s also very intimate. logan probably believes that to be able to achieve knowledge, you must disregard your feelings because it’ll only get in the way of learning. but this song shows that our emotions could be a motivator for us to learn. that’s what makes logan like this song. this song fascinates logan because in the song, benny, the guy who can’t speak spanish, is learning spanish because he loves nina, the girl teaching him spanish. it shows him that in learning, having feelings and emotions is completely valid, and it doesn’t restrict learning entirely.

another thing i’d like to note is that songs like this that show a fascination in learning probably motivate logan to learn more. he is merely fascinated when he sees people being amused by education and learning, hence why he might have a fondness for the song.

one more time with feeling by regina spektor is… sad. it talks about a patient recovering from their illness and coping with the sadness that comes with it. (tw: suicide/depression, please skip to the next bullet if you are triggered by this.) the illness being spoken about in the song would be depression and this shows us the aftermath of someone committing suicide. while i do not think logan would be depressed or suicidal, i do think the song is suggesting that logan is suffering something, and he thinks it’d be appropriate for himself to… erase himself. this is the second song in the playlist that implies logan would want to disappear because the others neglect him. the line “And the pride inside their eyes would synchronize into a love you’ve never known so much more than you’ve been shown” implies that the other sides will finally acknowledge logan if and only if he erases himself, duck out.

we can fully establish at this point that logan represses a lot of his emotions and the other sides know it too. the others, clearly evident in lntao, tries to help logan to stop repressing his emotions, but they aren’t really successful in teaching him. i think it’s mostly because the sides are being sympathetic rather than empathetic, and the sides think that their way of accepting their emotions would be a helpful way for logan to understand his emotions too. but the thing they don’t realize is that maybe, logan isn’t like them, and he can’t use the same ways they use because frankly, it doesn’t work. now, where in the song does this get implied? The lines “You thought by now you’d be so much better than you are / You thought by now they’d see that you had come so far.” suggests that logan did consider the advice of the other sides at some point. he tried to accept his emotions like the others said, he really thought that he might be able to get over his issues. but the wording of the song is really interesting because it says “You thought--” as if the person thought it would work, but it didn’t. additionally, the chorus at the end could be thought of as the advice logan is receiving from the other sides. but the lyrics “Hold on / One more time with feeling / Try it again, breathing’s just a rhythm” implies that the advice he’s getting isn’t working for him. it didn’t work for him, but he’s trying again because he doesn’t doubt the other sides, and if that doesn’t work, he’s trying again. then, the lyrics say, “Say it in your mind, until you know that the words are right.” which is a much more cynical line because they’re implying that if their advice doesn’t work, then logan just needs to try harder until it’s ingrained in his brain. the last line, “This is why we fight” could have a double meaning. one might think this is about fighting your inner demons to eventually overcome them. but this could also mean that the advice logan is receiving from the others isn’t working, and the fact that they push their advice so much unto him would be the reason why the sides and logan fight. in this sense, the lyric could mean “This, the uneffective advice I receive from you, is the reason why you (the others) and I (Logan) fight.”. to cut this short, the other sides need to be more empathetic in trying to understand logan’s issues because so far, all they’ve been doing is make assumptions for logan’s problems and offer solutions that might only work for themselves. for them to be able to help logan, they must put themselves in his shoes and understand logan better, or else they might just end up damaging him.

now, i do have a less depressing interpretation of this song which completely contradicts the last bullet point but i wanted to mention it because it made sense to me. while i did imply that the chorus could have some malicious intent behind it, we can also look at it in a positive light. this song in the playlist is the only one where we see logan possibly getting comforted by the other sides, and that would make sense seeing that the songs after this one would be about logan accepting himself for who he is. so, if we think of this song as the sides finally reaching out for logan, we can assume that at some point in the series, logan will reveal every problem he has to the other sides. at this point, instead of neglecting him, the sides are showing him love that he’s never seen before because they finally understand logan. sadly, their love and comfort would only be given only if they realize how bad logan is hurting, but at least he’s finally receiving the love that he desperately wanted.

in my mind by amanda palmer speaks of a topic similar to the songs medicine and fitter, happier because it sings about perfection. at this point, we can safely assume that logan is obsessed with precision and perfection, and he has aimed to be perfect for thomas for a very long time. problem is, he doesn’t realize how much he’s beating himself up from trying to achieve his perfect self. however, this song is the first one in the playlist which shows logan accepting that he can’t be perfect, and the person he is now is good enough for him and for the others. yes, medicine implies logan understands he cannot be perfect, but the song didn’t really give us that sense of resolution like this song does. i also think this song perfectly resembles how logan’s arc is going to look like. the song is split into four verses and each verse shows us the different stages of how sometimes, we want to be the perfect version of ourselves, but in the end, we realize we’re good enough for ourselves and for others.

anyway, focusing on the song, the first verse discusses logan’s high expectations for himself. the line “In a future five years from now / I’m a hundred and twenty pounds / And I never get hung over / Because I will be the picture of discipline” definitely shows it. he’s restricting himself because, implied by the lines “Never minding what state I’m in / And I will be someone I admire”, he isn’t satisfied with the person he is at the present. To further add to this, the line “And it’s funny how I imagined / That I would be that person now” explains that at some point, logan thought he was smart enough, he once thought he was “perfect”, but he realized that he wasn’t. he thought that he was enough, but no, something made him realized that he still had many flaws (cough algorhythm cough). the line “Maybe I’ve forgotten how to see / That I’m not exactly the person that I thought I’d be” shows him realizing that he wants to be better, he wants to improve himself. logan definitely has his own insecurities about his worth which makes him want to push himself more.

verse two has the same implications as the first verse but i do believe it is showing the negative effects of wanting to be perfect more. this shows us logan getting used to controlling himself to strictly do things that he can only label as something that’ll help himself improve. this time, it’s stricter with the line “Because I will be the picture of discipline / Never fucking up anything” and it depicts how simple mistakes he commits would make him feel miserable. (cough this means the infinitesimal mistake probably pained him so much cough cough)

verse three shows us logan realizing that the perfect version he aims to be is actually… not so perfect. the lines “I’m so busy with everything / That I don’t look at anything” is logan getting a realization that he hates this. he hates aiming to be perfect, he hates how restricting himself, and this “perfect version” he aims to be is just bullshit. the lines “And it’s funny how I imagined / That I could be that person now / But that’s not what I wanted / If that’s what I wanted / Then I’d be giving up somehow / How strange to see / That I don’t wanna be the person that I want to be” suggest that logan realized that doing all this, aiming to be perfect, is hurting him. he didn’t want to be perfect. i also think that these lines show us that logan is finally prioritizing himself above all things because, evident in the songs before this, he always aimed to be perfect for others. he always saw himself as faulty and he always intended to fix himself. but this verse shows us that he realizes that he isn’t faulty, he isn’t a mistake, he isn’t someone who needs to improve. he realizes he’s in hurting and he gives in to it, realizing he just needs to give himself time to accept himself for who he is because again, he is enough.

the last verse has logan acknowledging that the “perfect version” he aims to accomplish is downright impossible. the lines “And maybe it’s funniest of all / To think I’ll die before I actually see / That I am exactly the person that I want to be.” shows logan finally acknowledging his self-worth. he finally admits he’s good enough, and laughs at his past self trying so hard to be perfect. he’s okay. he understands he’s good enough. (also i am very proud of him, you don’t understand how my heart is exploding rn)

not perfect by tim minchin has kind of the same message as the previous song. it’s quite heartwarming that at this point, logan’s starting to accept himself and he’s not afraid to say he isn’t perfect. in this song, the singer expresses the many things he holds dear in his life, and while he acknowledges that there are some flaws to everything, he still thinks of them fondly, telling us that no matter how un-perfect it is, it’s enough for him. there’s a repeated line of “It’s not perfect, but it’s mine” and it’s easy to say that logan is not only referring to himself, but he’s referring to the family he has as well. he’s been so hard on himself that whenever he sees a flaw in something, he immediately think it’s faulty. but here, he’s acknowledging that flaws are something normal, something okay to have, and instead of turning away from himself or the others, he begins to love himself and his family.

i think the most important verses would be the verses which sing about his body and his brain. it’s all gonna be repetitive, i know, but the lines “I spend so much time hating it [my body] but it never says a bad word about me” and “[This is my brain] where all my fucked up thoughts can hide / ‘Cause god forbid I hurt somebody” really emphasize how much logan struggled before he began to accept himself. while the first line suggests he struggled a lot with how he thinks of himself, the second speaks of how much thoughts he repressed because he wanted to be better for others. while i don’t think the thoughts are really “fucked up” like the lyric suggests, i think this mostly talks about his negative emotions and how he wanted to hide it from the others. but at the end, again, he eventually stops repressing his emotions and allows himself to let them out because it’s perfectly valid.

human by tank and the bangas has almost the same message as the previous two songs. what’s interesting is that logan uses knowledge and different facts to motivate himself to love himself. throughout the song, it tells us facts about our bodies which logan would definitely be fascinated by, and it’s soft to think that he values himself because he treasures the fact that we exist. we are made this way for a reason, everything in his body has been meticulously crafted to serve different purposes, and logan finds it amazing. not only does he use this to help motivate himself, but he uses this to love the other sides as well. in this song, it is implied that there has been a relationship that has gone wrong, and we can think of it as the friendship between logan and the others. while the relationship between logan and the others has been wonky, they will eventually make amends and be close again; logan just needs time to understand himself, to love himself, and when logan is finally okay, he and the other sides and start over.

what i love about this song is not only is logan accepting himself but he is complimenting himself. while the last two songs are about him saying he’s enough, this song actually shows us that logan is starting to admire himself. he says he’s incredible and valuable, tougher than any superhero, and if that ain’t character development, i don’t know what is

one last interesting bit is that these last three songs imply that logan honestly needs a break from everything. all this acceptance and loving yourself can only be achieved if logan takes a break from working. i think this implies logan will eventually isolate himself from the others in the series just for a few moments, just so he can finally help himself, and he can only reconnect with the others if and only if he takes care of himself first.

time adventure from adventure time acknowledges eternalism wherein time is all an illusion and that there is no past or future, just the present tense. everything is currently set in the present, and whatever happened, happens, or is happening will exist forever because everything is set in the same time period which is the present. i think this song suggests that logan has already reconciled with himself and the others again and currently, he is happy with it. he uses this eternalism to emphasize how he treasures this moment of happiness so much. in this way, he can say that this happiness that he is experiencing right now will exist forever because it exists now. there’s not much more to say here than logan is finally happy, the others are happy with him, and he wants this moment of joy to happen forever.

now that that’s over, i’m going to summarize my analysis of each song in the following bullet points so it can be easier to understand:

the elements by tom lehrer: logan values education and always aims make anything easily understandable for thomas.

white & nerdy by “weird al” yankovic: logan, while he is a nerd, also wants to appear as cool to fit in with the others.

algorhythm by childish gambino: logan feels like he’s being alienated by the group because he thinks differently from them, despite being correct.

fitter happier by radiohead: logan has high expectations for himself to be perfect but this also makes him feel trapped.

medicine by STRFKR: logan realizes being perfect means he might become lazy, and this first showcases logan questioning if aiming to be perfect is a valid thing to do.

the breach by clipping.: logan is portrayed as someone who keeps control of everything thomas’s mind. without him, everything will disrupt into chaos.

letter c by zach sherwin: logan overthinks a lot about the insults he receives and wishes he can produce better comebacks so others might think he’s cool.

galaxy song from monty python: logan is fascinated by astronomy, bringing him comfort.

streaks by ANIMA!: thomas’s life being put-together is all thanks to logan. logan really should deserve more credit for building the person thomas is today.

erase me by ben folds five: logan feeds like he’s being disregarded and the others don’t know they are hurting him. he thinks erasing himself might make the others realize his worth, even if he sometimes lacks self-love.

art is dead by bo burnham: logan feels undignified with thomas’s career as an entertainer and he thinks roman is immature. then again, this song implies he wants to further understand roman.

equation by hans zimmer and camille: logan was stressed a lot when thomas was approaching adulthood and he thinks his job as logic is incredibly tough, making him miss it when thomas was a child, free of any responsibilities.

sunrise from in the heights: logan is fascinated by the fact that emotions can be a motivator for learning, something he has never thought of before.

one more time with feeling by regina spektor: the others finally understand what logan’s worth is when logan disappears, but the advice they give to him aren’t exactly the best but hey, they’re trying to reconcile with each other.

in my mind by amanda palmer: logan accepts the fact he can’t be perfect and the person he is now is enough.

not perfect by tim minchin: logan begins to understand that the most un-perfect thinks could be the things he loves the most, and he begins to love himself more, thinking it’s enough.

human by tank and the bangas: logan finds comfort in facts as it makes him feel more empowered. these facts make him fascinated with himself, as well as find fascination in the other sides.

time adventure from adventure time: he finally reconciles with the others, reconciles with himself, and he wants the happiness he feels now to exist forever.

now, thomas mentioned in a tweet to listen to them in order. i do think the playlist is meant to foreshadow what’s to happen to logan’s arc. these are a few thoughts that i have that might occur in logan’s arc:

all of logan’s problems definitely stem from him wanting to be cool enough for the other sides. because he wants to be perceived as cool and the others don’t really think of him that way, he begins devaluing himself. this problem eventually evolves, and instead of wanting to be cool, logan wants to be absolutely flawless, and he is abusing himself because of it.

roman is definitely someone with a crucial role in logan’s arc. this playlist references roman more than the other sides and while i don’t know what his role is, i do think he is one of the main people who will help logan during his arc.

with songs like erase me and one more time with feeling, i have a very heavy feeling that logan will duck out or disappear. he did get the epiphany that the others will only see his worth if he is gone, and this might happen during his arc.

ONE LAST THING: thomas tweeted this:

it is suspicious to me that he says that this is only PART of the reason why. there is a bigger reason to why logan didn’t put crofters the musical on his playlist, and i can only think of two reasons why. one would be he didn’t want to hurt roman since it was evident that logan respects the other sides, especially roman. another is that he isn’t embarrassed by his singing per se, but he is embarrassed with himself. he was too immature, too incompetent, and because logan longs to be perfect, he might consider crofters the musical as a mistake he committed.

(also, if logan is ashamed of not putting crofters the musical and is hesitant to show us this playlist, does he mean he still is suffering now?)

anywho, conclusion: logan is sad, give him some love, and i hope he knows we love him for who he is. remember that my interpretation is my interpretation, not in any form fact, so if i’m wrong, i’m wrong, and that’s okay! again, feel free to add anything to this and have your own interpretations because i’d love to hear them!

#sanders sides #logan sanders #thomas sanders #my post

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