#anyway as always the bottom line is that i love my dog and she's my favourite and that's it :) bye | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

seagulley · 4 months

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We're in this weird limbo right now with rally ob. New rules are being developed to be closer aligned to the FCI RO rules, but the process is slow and pretty painstaking, and while it's still ongoing we have no trials to attend. And when we do get a chance to trial again I don't really know what exactly the new rules will look like, so everything’s a bit ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ right now.

In the meantime, Kaija and I are just hanging out and having fun and making some lovely progress in training that may or may not end up being useful at some point. It's kinda nice having the pressure be off like this, and I'm trying to use our time in the rally limbo to work on my own attitude in training. Trying to get better at laughing off errors and backslides. I've struggled in the past with wanting to push through when my dog isn't getting it and with becoming flustered or frustrated bc we're in class and people are watching us etc etc etc. But pushing past what she's prepared for and getting frustrated when it doesn't really work has never actually helped. So I'm trying to just laugh and move on when mistakes do happen. And when something needs to be fixed, we fix it at home and then slowly bring it back to class, I don't worry about it in the moment.

I want to be as fair to Kaija as I can be while we're doing this silly little sport together, and not having any pressure to be trial ready in however many weeks is honestly really helping me stick with that mindset. Even when we fail spectacularly in front of everyone lol.

#we're going to classes every week and training at home almost every day but we're also kind of just chilling #i've been experimenting more with training recently #taught kaija a directed send around a cone which we actually struggled with for a bit but then i decided to move on to other stuff #and when we came back to the cones kaija immediately nailed it #so that was pretty cool #and i think i might try shaping a retrieve #i don't use shaping a whole lot despite enjoying the process so we'll see how it goes and if it goes at all #i feel like we could use a fun shaping project and since i have a dumbbell lying around and we don't actually need a retrieve for anything #it might as well be that right #anyway as always the bottom line is that i love my dog and she's my favourite and that's it :) bye

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judasgot-it · 1 year

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Ello again o/. So I eventually experience this… may i req Dazai has feelings for the reader but no intention to confess to her instead teasing/and helping Kunikida having feelings for the reader which ended up with Kunikida actually confessing. What would Dazai react tho–

AAAAAAAAAA this is horrible, caim I'm so sorry if you were put into that position cause that sounds like purgatory.

I'm gonna write from Dazai's POV cause he's a lil stalker who would watch as his heart gets broken and shattered into pieces because of this (I don't hate Dazai IDK why I treat him like this lol?)

Scenario: Dazai teases Kunikida about his feelings, without ever confessing his own before it's too late

(Side note, you used she in your request so I'm using that throughout this, I hope you don't mind !!)

"C'mon Kunikida, you keep saying you have your 'ideal wife' and 'ideal life' all planned out - but you like her, don't you?"

Dazai was smirking, folding one of his documents into a butterfly. His folding was rather sloppy, but it got the shape just right anyway - better than reading the drawl that was written throughout the document. He could just do it later anyway - there was always tomorrow in his mind.

Kunikida took it from his hands, carefully unfolding it. He used his pen and flat desk to carefully take out the creases, line by line.

"Don't put off your work. This needs to be done sooner, rather than later."

"Like how you won't tell Y/n that you like her?"

Kunikida looked up at him from underneath his bangs, glaring at him as hard as could. If looks could kill, Kunikida would have murdered Dazai one thousand times over.

Dazai returned it with a smile, placing his chin over his folding hands. Kunikida looked down, staring intensly at his work. His hands worked as if they were writing the Bible itself, clutching the pen and going over each now non-existent line.

"You like her so much it makes me wanna cry Kuni, it's like watching a little puppy follow its master around."

"Please refrain from referring to me as a dog. Also, she's not my master."

"Oh. I bet you're a bottom. No way you actually would do missionary, trust me I know you're a virgin but take it from an expert-"

Dazai felt the desk shake as Kunikida slammed his hands down on it.

"I do not need your advice! We shouldn't be talking about my crush, we should be doing our jobs."

There was a short pause as Dazai placed his hands over his mouth.

"So you admit you have a crush on her?"

"Dazai-"

"Kunikida."

Dazai was grinning, watching Kunikida's face turn red at his implications. He loved how the blonde couldn't hide his thoughts, especially not from him. It entertained him.

The argument was cut short by a voice.

"Dazai, do you have the paperwork from that last case? The coroner's office wants us to drop it off by today since the case is sensitive."

The two looked up to see you, walking into the office. Your hair was a mess from the humidity of the port, your face flushed from walking up the stairs. Kunikida tried not to stare, since he knew Dazai would make a comment.

"Sorry my sweet Y/n, it seems to have passed my mind. Kunikida did it for me though, maybe you guys can take a walk together and drop it off, hm?"

Kunikida did everything in his power to not tear Dazai limb from limb. Dazai couldn't keep the grin off of his face, watching as Kunikida tried to stay calm fruitlessly.

"That won't be necessary. I don't want to bother her while she's doing her work."

"What? Today is kind of slow. You can take a break, and we can go and drop this off and get a coffee. You need to relax more Kuni, you deserve it."

He blushed as you boldly took his shoulders in your hands, not letting him escape. You were looking down at him, your eyes watching his golden ones with an intensity that made him want to look away and hide.

Dazai found this rather delightful, although a part of it disgusted him. He enjoyed watching Kunikida curl up inside, but he saw the way your fingers curled up underneath his jacket lapels, fingering around the edges.

Your hands should have been on him.

"Yea Kuni, why don't you take one? You barely had a lunch."

"You know my name Dazai."

"But Kuni suits you! I think it's cute."

"See! Y/n agrees with me."

Kunikida held his head in resignation. You smiled, like a cat that caught the canary. Your hands were still on his coat, trying to keep the man close to you.

Dazai smiled back, a rather false grin. He won but he wasn't sure what it really was.

"Let's go. They want it as soon as possible, right?"

Kunikida was quick to pack his things, carefully placing the paperwork together in a folder, all bounded with a large paperclip. You wouldn't even be able to tell that it was once origami due to his careful and dedicated work.

You were quick to follow, waving goodbye to Dazai with a smile splitting your face a part cheek to cheek. There was a feeling that crept into his body as he watched the two of you leave - amusement, fondness, and a little bit of disgust.

Although he found that last bit of emotion, that disgust, was more towards himself than anyone else.

"Here Y/n."

"Aren't you supposed to be doing these?"

In Dazai's hand, was a small origami crane. It was near perfect, except for the fact that you can see the creases from the amount of times the paper was crumbled into a ball and folded over.

"Are you really going to reject it? I made it just for you."

"When I'm in the middle of work? Yes Dazai, I will. I don't wanna force poor Atsuhi or Kyouka to pick up our slack."

You went down back to your laptop, your fingertips tapping away at the keys softly. Dazai leaned into your space, his nose breathing in your shampoo.

"Really? It's not too bad, you can handle to slack off a bit Y/n. Cmon, have some fun with me for a bit."

"I'd rather not. I have to finish this anyway, since I dont wanna be late for my date tonight."

Dazai backed away a bit, giving you room to breathe. He blinked, a little in shock.

"You have a date tonight?"

"I said that. Yes."

The brunette shook his head, his fluffy hair shaking around his face. It wasn't real.

"With Kunikida? Seriously?"

"Um...is it that obvious?"

You turned your body to face Dazai, looking dead straight at him. The man was near completely frozen in shock. He didn't want to believe that this happened.

He knew Kunikida liked you, but enough to break his 10 year plan? To break his ideals of a perfect-life and perfect-wife? Would he even sleep with you before marriage?

Was this somehow his fault?

"Don't look so disappointed about it."

You were still staring at Dazai, now with a questioning gaze. He had to keep his face neutral to hide what was brewing underneath, a strange sort of sickness that was crawling underneath his skin.

"No. I'm happy for you two. I hope it works out."

He felt nothing but resentment brewing underneath his skin, especially as he saw you smile at his words. He tried his best to swallow that feeling down.

He liked Kunikida. He liked you.

But right now that disgust was crawling, making him want to vomit out nothing but anger.

HAAAAAAA this is super short and idk I keep writing a very angst and mean dazai, I don't mean too ?????

#bsd x reader #bungo stray dogs x reader #bungou stray dogs x reader #bsd x y/n #dazai x reader #dazai x you #kunikida x reader #kunikida x you #bsd #the banner is staying yall.

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kairiscorner · 5 months

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it would be so fun to go caroling with the jjk first years, don’t you think?

⋆⁺₊❅⋆ holiday headcanons event !!

day 5.3: caroling with the jujutsu high first years 🔔

🍰 genre: fluff !! ✒️ word count: 509 💭 summary: going caroling with the jujutsu high first years 🔔 📣 thanks for requesting anon! if you'd like to request any other prompt for any other character, please refer to my holiday headcanons event and send me an ask!

going caroling with the jujutsu high first years is a chaotic experience, to say the least. with nobara and yuuji betting against each other how many houses they'll be able to carol to before the night's over, with their allowance for the week on the line, while megumi is contemplating gifting them both backpack leashes for their sizes to keep them both in check as gifts.

nobara and yuuji sing from the bottom of their lungs, though yuuji isn't exactly the best singer of them all... nobara laughs aloud when yuuji hits a high note, but in the middle of it, his voice cracks. it gets a laugh out of you, with megumi trying to keep the two of them down as yuuji blushes and exclaims it happens to the best of singers! (megumi was on the brink of laughter himself, though, so he wasn't that innocent either).

"y-you don't think i sound bad, d-do you?" yuuji would ask you in anticipation, anxious to hear what you had to say. letting the boy down gently was the best way you could give your input for his singing, in fact, yuuji took your feedback as points for him to work on and improve for his singing. with a big smile, he held your hands in his, thanking you, while beaming. "you're an angel! i'll do better when we carol at the next house... just, please don't laugh at my singing, please?" he pleaded with you, looking at you with the most irresistibly sweet puppy dog eyes.

megumi actually had a decent singing voice, a little monotonous, sure, but he had a hidden talent all this time! nobara was lowkey envious, though. "fushiguro! teach me how to sing in cursive!" she exclaimed, while yuuji kept praising fushiguro for his singing voice. he always blushed whenever he got praised for singing, whether he enjoyed being praised or not remained a mystery, because he always hit the two on the head and demanded they quiet down. but when you'd compliment him, oh boy, he'd get redder and look away from you. "um... thanks, you... you sing well, too."

for nobara, she was a decent singer; she had the tendency to show off a little, though. she loved showing off whenever you were around anyway, she'd always smile at you, holding your hand, insisting she sing next to you because your voices blended together in harmony, it always made her happy to hear you sing. "y'know, it might piss these two losers off, but i'd gladly sing my heart out as long as you're here. i love singing my heart out around you!" she admitted, a slight tint of pink on her cheeks as she beamed.

of course, yuuji would insist on the same for him, while nobara retorted that he sucks at singing; resulting in another squabble between them that megumi sighs at, he can never catch a break with them. but this evening of caroling made you smile, even if this trio was a piece of work... they were darling to you.

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midorisudachi · 4 months

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“The Inquisitor And Her Commander”

As some of you may have noticed, I am a huge fan of the Dragon Age games, especially Dragon Age Inquisition. Last year, I had planned on drawing all the main [playable] characters up until Dragon Age Day (which took place on December 4th), but I just didn’t have time to draw more than three characters (the Inquisitor, Solas, & Varric…please check them out in my gallery) due to being busy with work and other things. I’ll eventually draw the other characters when I gather more motivation to do so.

For now, please enjoy this piece. I hope everybody likes this. I worked very hard on this artwork. It took longer than usual to create, due to all the small details, the poses, & the armour. (Armour is not easy to draw for me!) For those of you who are DAI fans, you may recognize the flowers: Crystal Grace on the bottom and Andraste’s Grace on the top. I know Andraste’s Grace is not in DAI, but I thought it would be pretty to add to the artwork (since it technically exists in the Thedas world).

My OC Inquisitor is named Bryony Trevelyan. She is actually my 2nd Inquisitor character, the first one having been an elf (which I may draw someday). I had been playing DAI for the 3rd time, a few months ago, as a male character (since I wanted him to be in a romance with Dorian, so yes, my male Inquisitor is gay), but I stopped for a bit since I am playing Skyrim at the moment (with updates & mods). Anyway, back on the main subject: I drew Inquisitor Bryony Trevelyan in the Armor of the Dragon Hunter outfit (from the Jaws of Hakkon DLC), which I had altered the colours by tinting it with Veil Quartz. I based her crown from concept art for DAI. So much armour in the game! Which I love, especially since the DA games don’t give female characters the stereotypical skimpy outfits…I love that I get to make my female characters wear bad-ass armour.

Cullen Rutherford is such an adorable and slightly awkward character around my Inquisitor. I knew I had to romance him right away, because his looks are the type of man I am attracted to in real life. (I’m not going to lie…in the game, he’s hot for a video game character. Ha ha!) I’ve always enjoyed the flirting in the DA games when it comes to the relationships. The best scene was right before their first kiss, when Cullen got interrupted by a member of the Inquisition, and then got mad about it. Ha ha. I liked when my Inquisitor asked Cullen, “The day you kissed me on the battlements…how long had you wanted to do that?” And Cullen replied (with a laugh), “Longer that I should admit.” Awwwww.

I also liked the part in the Winter Palace, when all these people were flirting with Cullen, and one asked him, “Are you married, Commander?” And Cullen replied, “Not yet, but I am…already taken.” Double awwww, because a loyal man is so dreamy. :3 I actually had Bryony & Cullen get married in the last DLC. :3 They adopt a Mabari (dog), too!

I love DAI too much. :D It’s such a fun game with the most gorgeous graphics (especially on the Xbox Series X).

Drawn with Sakura Pigma Micron pens, then coloured in with a mixture of Copic Markers & Ohuhu Markers. I used Koi Watercolours for the background. White accents done with both a gel pen and white watercolour. Gold acrylic was used for the Inquisition Symbol & the lines, which the scanner absolutely murders...the gold is such a pretty, shimmery metallic in real life. The light green around my art was done in Photoshop Elements.

Dragon Age Inquisition © Bioware & Electronic Arts

Fan artwork © Jacqueline E. McNeese

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biillyhargroves · 2 years

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sink into me (fic requests open)

Steve has never been a particularly bookish guy. Sure, he slogged through The Catcher in the Rye like everyone else in ninth grade English. (Well, slogged through most of it, anyway.) He did his summer reading in the days before back-to-school, slamming back Lord of the Flies and Huckleberry Finn if only to avoid failing American literature on the first day. But he’s never quite liked books; the sterilization of reading, the way teachers linger on a single fleck of ash on some make-believe cigarette for an entire class period and the way that they always tell him that his interpretation of the sun slanting through a window is wrong, only frustrates him. It’s another thing that Steve has been told he’s bad at, so why even try?

So yeah, Steve’s not a bookish guy. At all. No, sir. But as he’s lounging on Billy’s bed listening to the shower spray in the next room, waiting for Billy to wash off the day and settle beneath the covers, he finds himself reaching for the battered paperback on the nightstand. He doesn’t intend to read it, just needs something new to fidget with. He flips through the pages like an accordion, letting them forward and then backward and then forward again. The book’s spine is creased with deep grooves, the plastic-y cover peeling up from the valleys of one hundred thousand readings the damn thing has clearly endured. It bends easily to Steve’s will, though the pages themselves snag here and there, torn slightly at one corner, dog-eared.

There’s ink all over; ink and lead, thoughts scrawled messily in the skinny margins, words circled, phrases underlined. These are what Steve reads first, because he recognizes Billy’s haphazard handwriting splashed over every page, and who could blame him for being curious? It’s natural to wonder what kind of things one’s boyfriend jots down in books.

All those little notes don’t make much sense on their own, of course. How could they? They stem from the text, little arrows arcing around the pages to lead Steve from original passage to Billy’s observations.

Steve flips to the front cover, starts to read, and the more he does the more he understands that the English teachers had it all wrong. All that droning talk of symbolism has nothing on the way that Billy spins meaning out of slants of light. There is more beauty in simple lines made important by scratchy underlining, jerky exclamation points, Billy’s looping handwriting shaking swelling in every last empty space. Steve never knew that Billy contained such depths, or that something as small as a boon could help him reach them.

He hardly notices when Billy emerges from the bathroom, slides quietly into bed smelling of genetic supermarket soap, damp curls brushing Steve’s cheek as Billy rests his head on Steve’s shoulder.

“What are you doing?” Billy asks.

“Reading,” Steve says, adjusting himself so that Billy can see the page. Billy hums softly, glancing over the familiar words. “You’re, like,” Steve says, snaking an arm around Billy’s shoulders, pulling him close, “really smart.”

“Nah,” Billy scoffs.

“What made you vandalize this book?” Steve asks, pointing out a section marked up with splotchy ink. There’s a drawing in the bottom corner that Steve can hardly make out, but he decides that he loves it, whatever it is, because Billy drew it.

“Dunno,” Billy shrugs. “Just a habit, I guess. Had this teacher back home. Mrs. Parker, or something like that. Made us do it for every book. I…my parents…” Billy shakes his head, sighs. “Money was tight. Couldn’t afford the books. But this teacher, she got me copies, because this shit was important to her. I just kept it up.”

“That’s,” Steve starts, still reading, still tracing over Billy’s annotations, “really cool.”

“It’s lame,” Billy insists, and then he yawns and cuddles closer to Steve, closes his eyes as he folds himself against Steve. Sleepily, he asks, “What part are you up to?”

To answer, Steve begins reading aloud. His voice is low, soft, chest rumbling beneath Billy’s ear as he speaks. Billy smiles. He relaxes fully against Steve and Steve reads to him, going slowly and emphasizing the lines that Billy had emphasized with highlighter ink and ballpoint pens, going quiet here and there as he tilted his head to decipher Billy’s notes. And as he read, as he learns more and more about Billy through the little book in his hands, Billy falls slowly asleep, safe in Steve’s arms.

#harringrove #harringrove fic #lex writes fics #have some soft boys #you’re welcome

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melonteee · 9 months

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In the past I used to really dislike Nami/Sanji, but then I realized it was mostly due to the extremely heteronormative way they were often portrayed in fanworks LMAO esp by cishet dudes (also ngl Sanji sometimes being a real creep towards her and not respecting her boundaries/privacy was a big yikes for me in canon, I know they're gags but ughhh sometimes they were just so bad) but recently I've come to really love them, especially if it's just Nami in complete control and Sanji just happily doing whatever she wants, essentially Nami just being an owner and Sanji her happy little dog lol honestly I don't even get where some people get the "Sanji being a big dominant man and Nami being a submissive blushy woman" since that's nowhere to be found it canon at all LOL anyway bottom line Nami/Sanji real good 👍👍👍

anon that is the secret, Nami is ALWAYS in control. She knows she has Sanji tied around her finger and she WILL use and abuse that to be worshipped the way she wants. And the kicker is that's what SANJI wants too, he LOVES being used by Nami and he'd BEG for her to step on him and treat him like a WORM if he could.

Is it the healthiest relationship? No. Does it have to be? Also no. Together they can little freaks.

It is ALWAYS my biggest ick when people make Nami shy and submissive because that is NOOOT who she is, especially not with Sanji LMAOOOO

Reject heteronormative m/f ships, ship namisanji like they're yaoi/yuri <3

#ask #namisanji

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a-wins-a-win · 4 months

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okie so ur guy finally got around to watching Bare : The Musical (mouse!! why?? because!! I love comparisons <3) and anyway. thought I’d document my thoughts

tldr; I think I would like Bare: The Musical as a standalone story, but as a Bare: A Pop Opera adaptation/re-interpretation I think it falls short in a lot of ways.

it gets a bit long so under the cut, if you wanna skip the dot points i summarise/reiterate down the bottom of the post

okay no but the photographic memory detail is kinda interesting. kinda sad in a lot of ways too if you think about it

the audio quality is Not It so forgive me if I don’t pass judgement on any of the songs

“Jason you act every day.” “I didn’t fool you <3” they’re cuties // they are SUCH goofballs here! they’re so dumb! teenageboycore if there ever was! I love them <3

it’s so WEIRD to hear a lot of these lines out of order / in a different context

ALSO the lack of singing during auditions is throwing me off

“Do you think your sister’s bi?” “…” “Bipolar?” I laughed—

Matty Patty babey boy!!! he’s so… he’s so something. idk if I like it yet. im very used to introvertedly anxious Matt but this Matt is such a lil cutie

WHOAH OK Portrait Of A Girl is way early

but I think I like a lot of the lyrics - “You don’t have a clue / what she is doing with you / what she is doing to you.”

actually no this is a crazy interesting take on Matt & Ivy and I’m OBSESSED with the way we get to see Ivy’s actual introspection on it in this context

ohhh okay. so it’s That kind of basketball team situation for Jason (+ Peter !! goddamn they really hate that kid)

the art class is a fun character device ! (also I’m screaming over the Math Book exchange)

i am intrigued by the Romeo & Juliet casting in this version ngl

I knew that they merged the Nadia & Lucas characters (lowkey I hate it! I think it does a huge disservice to Nadia + inevitably the McConnell dynamic) but it’s still weird to see it . That said “Out Of Your Mind” [as best as I can approximate what the song’s called??] is kind of a vibe

he was named after Peter Pan r u kidding ?? i am so so intrigued to meet Claire Simmonds in this version now

ohhh nooo I am having FEELINGS over Best Kept Secret (as I always do) but DAMN

“If the word were different and if wishing made it so […] I’m trying just as hard as you!” jason mcconnell you will be the death of me

im SICK why is everyone so MEAN in this version

EMO PUPPY DOG MATTHEW LLOYD I LOVE YOU

^ also goddamn that whole scene was An Exchange. interesting take

“You Don’t Know” is beautiful tho*

“I hear ya.” “Do you?” any glimpse of snarky/sarcastic Peter is a relief (not sure that I’m quite here for this Peter characterisation) . Also the Peter-Diane friendship is somewhat iconic

JASON is the birthday bitch!! that’s. something.

oh okay! this Portrait Of A Girl/Boy reprise is so intriguing to me. this version of Ivy in general is so intriguing to me

snarky Peter Simmonds you are everything to me <3

i miss ‘Are You There?’ hopefully it comes back to me later, I am desperate to see this Peter & Matt have a meaningful conversation

i could honestly not discern most of those lyrics but whatever they replaced 911! Emergency! with seems unnecessarily extravagant? for very little payoff

“Peter did you learn the entire script?” “Maybe.” no I love that for him though. i’m struggling because I like a lot of this Peter’s little character MOMENTS, but OVERALL I don’t like him

again the lack of singing is throwing me off

“I’m NOT your boyfriend!” OWCH

“Your world might not stop!” ohhhh okayyy i am. going a bit insane. over this mcsimmonds.

EVER AFTER !!! EVER FUCKING AFTER !!! (or whatever this version is officially titled)

what is the general consensus on Jason having Role Of A Lifetime?? bc aside from the title not making thematic sense for his character... idk it could just be the delivery but i don’t hate it

i am Not Here for the Nadia-likes-Matt subplot, tbh. i think it’s silly.

there is something so so desperate & violently destructive about this Jason - and it isn’t even like. hidden behind this facade of effortlessness that Pop Opera Jason puts up, if that makes sense?? (yes I am upset that he kissed Ivy first even if it makes sense for this version of Jason)

what an act 1, ngl. I am so anxious for act 2.

oh ok that’s a bit cute

“What if I told the world your story? / What if I told them what you’ve done? / What if I went and shared your secret? / What if I let them know I’m someone?” OH OKAY!!! this Peter is A Character!! and he’s fascinating!!

“I am gonna win… yep, I promise.” oh ow okay that hurts

“What If I Told?” [again guessing at song titles] is doing irreparable damage to my psyche /pos and I can feel it happening in real time

oh shit! i forget that they’re not even roommates in this version!

i feel like this version of the story (or at the very least ‘Touch My Soul’ or whatever it’s called here) is really capitalising on the Ivy-Peter similarities in the way the characters are being played

ARE YOU THERE? <33 WHY ARE YOU SO LATE IN THE STORY???

“Are you there? What did I do wrong? / Tell me and I’ll fix it, get us back where we belong.” screaming crying throwing up what the FUCK

disappointed in the lack of patt meter tho ://

NO BC THIS CONTEXT!!! of Sister Joan putting Peter in!!! i actually quite like it!! i kind of hate the stagings where they have Peter like. butt in, for lack of a better phrase to use. bc that’s so uncharacteristic for him, I always read that scene as he’s stage whispering the lines/doing the motions for Diane to follow along with and he just sort of ends up in the Actual Scene accidentally

ough. the mcconnell siblingsism… it’s missing and it makes me sad

“I don’t wanna be here anymore.” OH NO OH NO I DON’T NEED TO BE THINKING ABOUT THE TRAGEDY OF PETER’S SUICIDALITY NEXT TO JASON’S SELF-DESTRUCTIVE TENDENCIES AND THE WAY THIS STORY PLAYS OUT !!! IM GONNA BE SICK !!

“God Don’t Make No Trash” isn’t my favourite song in the show or anything but I do miss it a bit, even if the replacement song works for Sister Joan + this Peter

ok no now I’m upset do we just not get to know anything about Peter’s mother at all in this version?? look with this version of Peter I don’t feel like she’s a necessary piece of his character/story but still. would’ve been nice

“I have plans, I’m not that girl.” // “If I can’t, then why should he?” Ivy !! i am back and forth on this Ivy! i like a lot of it but I also don’t like a lot of it, those lines tho are so everything to me

“So talk to him.” “We don’t. Talk.” rip to the mcconnell siblingism. like I suppose it makes sense? given the vague family dynamic this musical gives us, but still. I miss them <\3

there is something so physically painful to me to watch Jason have such obvious emotional stress fractures

the lack!! of singing!! is so wild!!

oohhh this Matt is so fucking vindictive - “Is this just another thing you’ll try for the day?” SCREAMING

OH FUCK OKAY

oh I’m gonna be sick watching this meltdown

again!! the absolute sick dog violent desperation radiates off Jason generally but FUCK ME it’s so bad here - like I really truly believe that in that second right after Cross that this Jason made the decision to kill himself**

love the R&J costumes in this version tho ngl, they’re a bit cute

oh shit he’s really just. Dead. like obviously he’s dead in the Pop Opera as well but without Queen Mab it really does just feel like. you blink and he’s gone without any sort of buildup/unravelling

i feel like they definitely tried to recycle a bit of the early versions of the Father Flynn storylines for Father Mike here - like they don’t explicitly go for the queer angle but it feels a little bit alluded to, imo

the fucking bookending!!! i’m such a sucker for that shit

oh. okay. it was certainly A Watch - definitely interesting! full of odd character choices I didn’t love, most notably the basketball team and the way that side plot played out, also the merging of Nadia & Lucas’ characters. I think it does a huge disservice to Nadia’s character, the McConnell twins relationship, Nadia & Peter’s relationship, & I like Lucas as a character (& a plot device) so it really feels like a lose-lose situation. And I would’ve liked to have Peter’s mother at least alluded to, especially given how much more Sister Joan seems to fill a motherly role (and it would’ve made sense thematically! Given his hypothetical conversion with Jason’s mother in You & I, coupled with Diane’s whole spiel about her mom being her best friend - it’s a missed opportunity imo) (even tho as established for this characterisation of Peter it’s not quite so necessary)

that said! credit where credit is due - I am supremely intrigued by the characterisation of… okay most of the cast now I’m thinking about it. Would definitely like to do a comparative character breakdown (let me know if anyone else would care for that at all).

Emo puppy dog Matt Lloyd you are so special (it’s such a silly way to play him!! the show all but eliminates the academic part of his and Jason’s rivalry and THAT makes me sad bc I think it would be so so interesting to play into the rivalry more with this Matt and this Jason - but the way Matt & Ivy’s relationship exists in this version of the show, the absolute lack of any academic focus At All [which?? like they are At School, that SHOULD count for something] and even the play part feels somewhat lacklustre in so regards to the Matt vs Jason element, which again I think is a mark against B;TM)

as I said above - I think I would like Bare: The Musical as a standalone story, but as a Pop Opera adaptation/re-interpretation I think it falls short in a lot of ways. Which is another point - it’s so so crazy to me that The Musical is the adaptation of the Pop Opera, not the other way around. Which kind of sucks! because I think making it into a book musical, not a sung-through show, does give a little more breathing room for character & relationship work and development, but it just seems ill utilised, to the point where it doesn’t even seem to match the Pop Opera, let alone improve/expand on it. Because all the extra dialogue time had to be spent on reordering the story beats so we ended up losing time with the characters in a way.

or at least that’s how it read to me - obviously I am not a professional reviewer/critic so don’t take my word for it, I just wanted to talk it out. or shout it out into the void, as my tumblr may be. if you read this whole thing?? shoutout to you, I love you <3

#the ass quality audio made this somewhat difficult. if anyone has a version that doesn’t sound halfway underwater it would be appreciated #LISTEN I hear y’all when you say it’s not as good as BAPO and I believe you!#but I love to compare and contrast. so.#* worth sacrificing the Pop Opera characters of Nadia & Lucas for? idk. probably not.#** of course the whole Two Households but still happens - which is I guess Jason trying to bargain and like. delay the inevitable. -#but I truly think that I’m the second after Cross Jason’s suicide was pinned to the universe’s cork board #as I say credit where credit’s due I did like several things about the musical! it’s just. second fiddle to the pop opera (for good reason)#yeah. if anyone else has thoughts throw them my way bc I definitely think it’s an interesting comparison #mouse talks bapo #bare a pop opera #bare the musical

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fratboykate · 2 years

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Okay, I shoudn't find this as funny, but Imma blame my dog somehow managing to drop 6 fucking eggs on his head, in my country our egg cartoon has 36 eggs, and this motherfucker managed to drop just 6 from a single line, so consider my funny bone tickled, anyway, but what kind of crisis makes the most pratical woman on earth, change not only careers, but also move to another continent, and fall in love with the biggest motormouth on earth, who happens to also be a single mom? Did she run over some tree hugger on her way home and got haunted by their ghost Scrooge style? Why is it so funny that Yelena has a crisis? Fuck if I know, I am half cursing and half laughing right now while I clean this little imbecile dirty head, so thank you Papi

This fucking killed me. So funny. I hope the pup got treats. Tell me he go treats. Also what if you live alone? Are you forced to always buy 36 eggs at a time? I have questions.

I think thirty is a big wake-up year for a lot of people. It’s a crossroads and when it was impending, Yelena looked at her life and was like “this…isn’t where I want to be???”. It was a come to jesus moment for her. Instead of wallowing on it she decided to take action. She just didn’t see the curveball that is Kate Bishop and her impossibly cute spawn and how they would come in like a wrecking ball.

Yelena is suddenly faced with a dilemma like…“AH FUCK! Do I go to Russia for something that is bigger than me and will fulfill a greater purpose to society? Or do I stay in New York where I basically tripped over a mouthy, stubborn, silly goofy bottom that’s now got me head over heels AND go from zero kids to parenting a kid who inherited all the "cute terrorist" genes her mom had dormant then put them on superwarp speed?” TOUGH CHOICE.

#this is late im sorry lol #its been a wild few days #BUT IT LOOKS LIKE WE MIGHT KEEP SOME SEMBLANCE OF RATIONALE IN THIS COUNTRY SO IM IN A GOOD MOOD haha #kymau #kymaup #anonymous #answers

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nickeverdeen · 1 year

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Hiii! I was wondering if you could do a Harry Potter match for me if it’s not too much trouble ☺️ if you can I’d like a male character and my pronouns are she/her

Description:

I’m Kinda tall (5’11) and has shoulder length curly black hair and brown eyes.

I have glasses but I don’t wear them all the time (they work w some fits and they don’t work w others- yet I’m still insecure abt them)

I have brown skin (like milk chocolate shade) and my body type is kinda hourglass leaning to pear shape- anyway~

I’m a Gemini and an ISFP, and I’m straight

I’m pretty much that burnt out gifted kid who dreads school yet still gets A’s and B’s bc they don’t wanna disappoint their family, but I really love anything that’s creative

Drawing, making edits, writing, crafting, decorating. Love it all. My aesthetic is a mix between cottagecore and dark academia

Im very indecisive and hate conflict-

(The idea of someone hating me scares me)

I’m a total introvert and loves staying at home lazing around but if I’m with someone I really like and trust I’ll go pretty much anywhere with them bc I know I won’t regret it :)

small groups >>> large ones

I’m pretty quiet at first (I’m more of a “ew, I hate ppl introvert then a “I’m scared of ppl introvert”) but that just leads ppl to thinking I’m shy but then become surprised when I have things to say and talk about. I’m actually more sarcastic than you think

Yet I never talk about my self.

I struggled (and still struggle) with self esteem issues from time to time, but it’s gotten better :)

I’m a go w the flow type of girl. I don’t get stressed over much, and I don’t really yell or raise my voice over anything- but I do laugh a lot.

If you can make me laugh- like TRULY laugh, ima be stuck to u like glue <3

Bottom line: if you’re goofy w a sense of humor? Ima like u :D

Ppl say I’m comforting and easy to be real around which makes me feel good 😌

I like skincare and anything of that sort, so I’m always the one using face masks and creams all the time. I love mystery books and movies, basically anything where I have to figure out who did what. Love dogs, flowers, art, music, and theme parks as well :)

(Omg sorry if this is so long!)

Your Harry Potter match is…

Ron Weasley

Sometimes teases you or plays with your hair

Someone has some stupid things to say about your glasses? Nah you gotta hold him back

Reassures you that you look good in your glasses

Suprised that you get all As and Bs

Girl, please help him with his homework or studies for exams if you can

Dates at Three Broomsticks

Ron is very gentle and protective with you

The trio likes you

If you’ll let him watch Netflix, he’ll make movie dates

Feeling down? Jokes and your favourite movies plus cuddles are on

Ron loves it when you talk about yourself and interests

Stands up for you if someone’s rude to you, be sure of that

Makes jokes to cheer you up

Complimets 24/7

Istg he’d really try to buy you some creams, but he’d probably end up getting something completely else

Ron would have to ask Hermione or Ginny for help about it, though

Which would end up him getting teased by Fred and George

He’d be on the other hand be able to buy you flowers

Be prepared, Molly loves you

You’re part of their family, no buts or ifs

Ron is ESFP and Sagittarius, if that’s in any way important

He’s the golden retriever in your relationship, no arguments

Ron also dislikes arguments, especially with you

————————————————————

#request #headcanons #matchups #harry potter #harry potter fandom #ronald weasley #ron weasly imagine #ron weasly x reader #ron wealsey x y/n

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udon-udon · 2 years

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Introspective post time

One thing I seem to notice that I always come back to and makes me down is when I scroll through on Twitter and see someone I know get big numbers on their post, there’s a 50% chance (85% when I’m on my period PMS-ing) I would be like “Why can’t I have that/that happen to me”.

But Udon, you don’t draw fan art/things that are popular, you don’t have super super pretty art, and you’ve come to the conclusion that you just want to draw art as a hobby and you’ll be drawing whatever you want, whenever you want. It’s hard to get big numbers unless a miracle happens.

I’ve said I don’t care about numbers anymore. So why??? Do I, deep down, still care about clout? Does me wanting to be noticed/recognized = wanting clout? If so, there’s no way I can get clout with the way I go about with art. I’ve always and still am always fueled by Validation and Positive Reinforcement in more ways than just art (i’m like a DOG, dude, praise me and i’ll be the happiest bitch on earth). Is me wanting validation for my art = wanting clout? Is that in actuality what it actually is? Cause if it is, damn bitch fuhget about it. Like I said earlier, I don’t draw fan art/popular things. So Udon, you either draw popular things, or you shut up and entirely stop caring and actually stop caring about numbers/a dream that you never worked hard for/is not working hard towards. Stupid thing is I keep telling myself that, and I’ll always be like “OK!! YEAH I DON’T CARE ABOUT NUMBERS!!!” and then randomly one day it hits me again knowing that friends are doing really good!!! and I’m not hating on them don’t get me wrong, I’m just wondering why I can’t be apart of that. Well, you can’t be apart of that because as mentioned earlier 1. You don’t draw fanart and/or 2. Your art isn’t super pretty or noteworthy. And it just becomes a vicious cycle, rinse and repeat.

“OK!! YEAH!! I DRAW WHAT I WANT I DONT CARE ABOUT NUMBERS!!”

“-Sees people doing really good- -Gets sad and feels down-”

“Well, Udon, you don’t draw fanart and your art is not noteworthy enough so stop complaining and stop caring and stop being sad about it”

Repeat Steps 1-4

It makes me wonder if this cycle would stop if I stop drawing or even stop going on twitter (?) Would things be better and would i stop thinking this way if I stopped drawing altogether so I won’t have numbers/being noticed to worry about.

Even back on deviantart/13 year old Udon days, I would daydream about woahhh having a lot of art friends and having a lot people like my art and always being like “ohoho that’d be so nice one day” but I still only kept drawing original art. LOOOL. Make it make sense, Udon.

And it’s still carrying over now. I only draw original stuff or stuff no one cares about. I only draw what I want and things only I care about. I only want to draw things that really gets me riled up and excited, but nothing makes me feel that way easily anymore. For example, the new G Witch anime. Yuri!!! Yuri!! LESBIANS!! I love yuri. Definitely did pick the anime up even though I know nothing about gundam, but am I excited enough to draw the characters? No. I don’t feel the urge to draw them (er, well at least not now). Nothing gets me excited anymore. (Though I guess this is getting off topic)

Anyway, bottom line is/TLDR: Udon has inner demons about wanting to draw stuff that she likes, but at the same time wanting clout/validation (which usually happens when you draw popular stuff instead of things that ppl don’t care about). Which doesn’t really work unless a miracle happens. It just seems like my mind is confused about what it truly wants and each side is contradicting the other hence making me go crazy about this topic all the time.

Perhaps I’m tunnel visioning.

Maybe it all just stems from me wanting to be loved.

#personal #someone slap some sense into me #if theres anything that gets me down esp when my PMS rolls around its this #this is the last demon i have yet to kill #i always feel better when i talk about it but again the cycle continues another day #thanks for reading to my rambles #i know this might sound dumb to some of you and yall gonna be like Udon you DUMB FUCK #also I feel like my passion and love for drawing is slowly phasing out #drawing feels like a chore sometimes/a lot of the times nowadays #and it’s actually scary to think about cause I’ve been drawing for 14 years now #literally half my life I’ve been into drawing #and now all of a sudden poof

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i-bring-crack · 1 year

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An early Capac Raymi present cuz imma be so busy this week... yes I drew some Inca gods:

This boi-os are the sun god Inti and the moon goddess Mama Killa(lit. Mother moon). Capac Raymi is usually celebrated as the festival of the children and the birth of the sun so yeh...

Cuz I was bored I also drew a two panel story of the myth of the moon: apperantly there are two myths which tell the story of why the moon is covered in patches. The first one being: At the beginning when Viracocha [their father] created them, the moon shone the brightest which made the sun jealous. On the other story, it tells of the fox [who fell in love with the moon goddess and traveled to the skies] who hugged the moon so hard that it created patches on her head.

There are probably more stories regarding her though those come to my mind cuz they are the most known [gotta remember that andean and Inca myths/legends/folklore can be so few and even mixed in because most don't have names of deities and instead use normal names like "the moon" or "the sun". ]

Got more bored and decided to create eyes for everyone. In case the words aren't understood, ill list from top to bottom, left to right, the names of the gods.

Inti: Yeah sun god, most popular for the andean folk and father of the first Inca[like um, the emperor of the incas]. I decided to make it like a sun rays in the pupils, and also give him some soft characteristics, but not too soft cuz, he is the sun.

Killa/Quilla: The elder sister of Inti, I made her look more sharp because she was deemed as protector of women. She also played a role in marriage, mother of the firmament [sky] and the calendar, by far an important diety considering the Incas really caled about cosmology as a whole. Her priests were also all women. She was sometimes[on costal regions] seen as more important than Inti, while on the other regions she always shared an equal status to that of Inti.

Pachamama: Most important diety even to this day, her name translates Mother Earth/World, and yeah you can guess who she is. Surprisingly what I get to see in the Inca gods is that they all have alot of independence, so even if she was married to Pachacamac[god of earthquakes] she was still held to a high regard instead of being wifes or daughters of said diety. And that's honestly not coincidental since most gods came from other places since the Incas integrated the gods of the people they conquered, so some, well...all gods would have one or two things they where associated by and had the same connection to. Also, unlike the gods in other Pantheons, the Incas didn't have the same idea of making their gods more humanized, instead they where forces of the world, the earth was the earth, not just a woman with Fertile powers, same for the others. Even today there is this huge respect for the earth, everything around the sky to the waters, must be cared for instead of robbing or exploiting it, and in the case of my country at least, Mother nature as a whole has its right to live and be on equal terms with humanity. She too has constitucional rights. Legit. It's better to explain that the religion was animist too.

Anyways, her eyes are the clouds above and the earth below the iris, while the iris itself is white bc of the snow that always covers the andes mountains.

Viracocha: The Creator god and supposedly the one who would come back one day... and then it never came ;-;. Anyways the pupils are the dark sky bc he is in the heavens most of the time. The lines connecting to the Diamond shape iris are like there mostly for decoration, though the four sides of the iris do represent the four sides of Tahuantinsuyo, the Inca empire.

Illapa: Dog owner (most likely) and also a cat person kind of God, Illapa[or Illapu] is the god of war alongside thunder, the rain and the one that uses all the water in the milky way (the constellation) to use it and pour the rain while making Killa stand guard and watch over it. I made the scar bad at first, though I kind wanted to draw the milky way at first but then I thought about it and saw that the scar might as well work with his warlike nature sho....

Anyways these where some of the most important gods, there are more to note of though, like Mama Cocha and Pachacamac or Vichama but I'll do them later and probably draw them full body, but until now... I've just make this sketches.

#inca #inca gods #mama quilla #inti #capac raymi #andean culture #myths #pachamama #illapa #viracocha

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emilemily · 2 years

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Additionally

I’d like to add that blogging through my thoughts and feelings really does help me a lot.

When I moved to Florida, I fell off in a bad way. Stopped writing down my thoughts or sorting through it all by blogging. When I tell you my mental health has been trash! When I don’t take time alone to dissect my thoughts and present them in a way that can be understood, I fall into this daze of not always knowing what I’m feeling.

I’ll walk around numbed by my Vyvanse, shoving it back until someone makes an offhand comment at me and I respond in a bitchy, emotional way that is inappropriate for the situation. Thankfully I have really good friends who accept my apologies when I offer them. They know that I love them and I really do have a good heart. I’m just fast to pull the trigger sometimes and speak impulsively. It is something I’m working on and have been for a while.

My brain is consistently going at all times. There is no peace from the underlying chaos. Song lyrics, trying to remember names of movies, remembering that one time someone say this or that, reflecting on my childhood, feeling random guilt for things now beyond my control, random bursts of anger at people I haven’t talked to in so long, what was that one teachers name, what dollar amount would it take for me to be financially secure for a year, is going back to college a great idea

Then I’ll be walking down the hallway or down stairs, or sitting down at my desk, or walking my dogs and I will imagine myself falling or getting hurt in a final destination sort of way. As I get into a car I imagine slipping and falling on my face, breaking my teeth out

As I walk down stairs I imagine losing my footing and rolling all the way down, breaking my nose and my teeth as I go. I imagine myself as a bloody mess at the bottom of the stairs

When I drive and make any turns or do anything, I’m imagining myself colliding with someone or maybe street signs, totaling my car and rendering myself paralyzed

And while all of this is running through without breaks, I have the main chorus of Country Roads running through on loop, never going to the next line… just

Country roads, take me home to the place I belong

West Virginia

Mountain mama

Take me home

Country roads

Over and over and over again, sometimes for days on end

It is my brains favorite song to get stuck on. I don’t know why but I do like the song, so I guess there are worse things that could be stuck in my head…

Either way, the Vyvanse helps a little but the shit never stops it’s always there in my head, going on and on and on

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with obsessive compulsive disorder with intrusive thoughts (though I question the validity of that and think it might just be my severe adhd) She prescribed me an anti-depressant that was perfect for that exactly. Gave me serotonin syndrome that hospitalized me due to the adhd meds and the gabapentin for anxiety

So naturally I stopped taking it. I have 7 different anti-depressants that she prescribed and I tried for a couple days and put down, and some I never even opened because I’m terrified to get that sick again

I’m not willing to sacrifice my stimulants for a sound brain and maybe that’s sick. But I’ve never been able to function and be a normal human being (outwardly, anyway) prior to them. I kept one of my monthly performance reviews from my boss to remind me. Seeing myself exceeding expectations on paper reminds me of why I continue. Another memento for the box.

My boss and I were very close. Tomorrow she’s going to come over and look through the many clothes I have to give away and then we’re going to get boba tea

I miss her and I miss my job.

Confronting who I am without my career is hard. Packing up pieces of who I used to be and who I wanted to be. Who I hate that I was, but forgive myself for being. Seeing little bits of Emily over the years

My god it’s a lot. I’m having many thoughts today, and just had to word vomit on here.

WEST VIRGINIA, MOUNTAIN MAMA

TAKE ME HOME

COUNTRY ROADS

#adhd #adult adhd #ocd #intrusive thoughts #personal

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arielgobuss · 2 months

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66. When love and death embrace

Where are you now? Are you lost? Will I find you again? Are you alone? Are you afraid? Are you searching for me?*

"Stop!" Hermione stopped, listening. "I hear someone's voices."

Her legs were shaking from the effort. In the last few minutes, they had stumbled upon the smoking ruins left by the Aurors and the Death Eaters three times. She still remembered the look in the eyes of one of the dying men as she moved closer to see if anyone had survived. He looked at her as if he was looking from the bottom of the most painful, most terrible abyss imaginable. He couldn't speak, but she could see the silent pleading in his eyes. Begging for death.

And she couldn't do anything to help him...

They later ran away again when they were spotted. They managed to lose the pursuit and move away from the battle line, but they still encountered groups of people running in a hurry. They had to be very careful. Death Eaters seemed to be everywhere.

Hermione frowned, listening to the approaching voices. She should grab Ron and get out of here as quickly as possible, but she needed... information, any clue. She felt like they were both wandering in the dark, and to some extent they were.

"Wait," she whispered to Ron, dropping to her knees and pointing her wand at her legs. "Tacitus Gressus."

"What are you doing?"

"Be right back. Don't move from here," she whispered, moving on all fours towards the voices.

"Hermione!" Ron crouched down, whispering her back. "Come back! Do not go there!"

She wasn't wrong. She heard them more and more clearly. Several Death Eaters combing the area looking for more victims. She stopped, lying on the ground and trying not to even flinch. She saw their dark silhouettes moving in the thick smoke. She tried to understand what they were talking about, but only fragments of sentences reached her ears. She hoped they would mention Harry or at least Voldemort, but they didn't mention anything that would help her, so she backed away quickly, listening if they're going to turn toward them, but they moved away.

"And?" Ron asked as soon as she managed to get back to him. She straightened up, looked at him, and shook her head.

"Nothing. Not a word about Harry," she sighed, taking a deep, shaky breath.

She was so tired... At times she felt as if she was dreaming. As if this was just a nightmare from which she would soon wake up, and she would be at Hogwarts again, and everyone would be there. Everyone who... have gone… And they would be preparing for their exams as always, and her only concern would be getting the highest possible result in her NEWT exams next year...

She shuddered and crossed her arms, rubbing them. She glanced at Ron. He looked at her with furrowed brows and... with something that looked like annoyance.

"I don't know why you did it. What did you expect? You won't learn anything from them anyway," he said bitterly, spitting on the ground.

The girl looked at him without saying a word. Ron looked extremely tired as well, but she didn't blame him at all. She could barely stand herself, and they seemed to be as far from finding Harry as they were when they arrived. Everything was going... wrong.

"We'll find him, Ron," she said quietly, grabbing his hand and squeezing it tightly.

"How? You saw all those corpses yourself!" He waved his hand desperately, pointing to the smoky area. "How do you know we didn't lose? Maybe they all died long ago and we are the only ones left here, running around like lost dogs?"

"Stop it!" She yanked her hand from his grasp. "It certainly didn't happen. Lupin would've told us--"

"Lupin doesn't know anything! In my opinion, we should stop this pointless running and look for my family!"

"Your family definitely sticks together and supports each other, and Harry is there alone!"

Ron's eyes burned wildly.

"Harry is my best friend and I have always sacrificed everything for him, but this time there is nothing we can do! You don't have family here! You don't know what it's like to be afraid for someone!"

Her hand shot up before she could control the wave of fiery anger flooding her chest. Ron, surprised, staggered back as she punched him in the collarbone.

"I'm afraid for you, you idiot!" she shouted, raising her hand to strike again. "I'm worried about Harry! I'm afraid we won't see him again, that we might both die here, that one of these bodies we encounter might be Luna's, or Neville's, or--"

"Maybe a little quieter, Miss Granger, unless you want to get all the Death Eaters in the area here."

Hermione turned abruptly, raising her wand.

Faster...

Faster.

Faster!

As she ran, she passed the blurred silhouettes of combatants, jumped over bodies, and cast spells whenever she noticed the suggestion of a black hood.

"Tonks, watch out!" The shout of Arthur Weasley fighting the Death Eater warned her of the impending curse. She dodged and, running in a bent position, knocked out the Death Eater with a stinging spell. She ran past Molly and her daughter, and a few meters away she saw Fred and George Weasley in the smoke, throwing blindingly exploding pellets at two Death Eaters.

#snarry #ariel gobuss #desiderium intimum #harry potter #severus snape #snape/harry #snarry fanfic #hp fic #slash #yaoi

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raethethey · 8 months

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home.

im homesick for a home i know not. my nights are spent dreaming of a land ill never know to escape a life thats gripping me too hard. i feel like im drowning but theres no water. too much oxygen fills my lungs. it burns.

sleep rarely soothes. when it does its interrupted by terrors. flashes i dont remember, just feelings. this home i crave has never fully known me. it claws at my peripheral. taunts me. warm hugs, full bellies. i got those. silent nights arent foreign. but the splashes of screams, the sting of punishment, the smell of what i only now know to be alcohol on the breath, even mild, chained that home just out of my reach. the hole in the wall haunts me. strangers invading my home to ask my too young brain abt what the walls who have ears hear, but wont tell. witnessing bile upon those same walls fills my nose with the memory of the stench. have you ever seen someone bleed from their pores? i have. i was 9. maybe 12. my brain protects me only as much as it can.

but i miss home. i miss those meals slightly burnt. sneaking a cookie before dinner. sauntering down to the basement for movie nights. ignoring the voices that travel up the stairs long after us wee ones went to bed. flipping the pillow over to forget the wetness that stained the case, my cheeks. waking up knowing we all heard it but will never discuss it.

i miss home. watching my dad play video games for hours. listening to my mom hum as she cleans the kitchen. feeling the rough carpet as cartoons play on the old box tv. i dont let my eyes wander to the wall at the bottom of the stairs. i know whats there. its an old dent. i dont imagine the night the front door was ripped open and footsteps stomped after the breeze threatening to come in. she came back. we're fine. for tonight.

i miss home. the covers are warm from their run in the dryer. my homework is done. my sister's fingers turn the page of a book. mine follow soon after. its quiet. i turn my music up when their door slams. the hushed hisses dont reach our room but the beats in my ears and the fantasy in my hands help to drown them out anyway. we all gather for a bedtime story in the end. tomorrow will come.

i miss home. a home i never actually got. a home my brain conjures up for me on the nights the blankets are cold. on the nights my heart feels numb and beatless.

i miss my dad. his hugs are still warm. his heartbeat is still my favourite sound in the world. i miss my mom. she still whistles quietly when she cleans. i see myself in her the most.

i miss my dad. hes visiting his girlfriend in one of the Las' out west.

i miss my mom. shes sleeping soundly next to a man who never witnessed our first steps. he has dogs though, those are cute.

i miss my parents. they were mine. they made me who i am. ill always love them.

my parents dont miss each other. dad still aches. mom feels free.

my parents still talk. its not abt dinner plans. its abt holiday plans. who gets whom, when this year. we're all in our 20s. it seems childish.

ive forgotten how to communicate. havent talked to dad since two nights ago. it was abt his own dads fight i unfortunately witnessed with his new wife. havent talked to mom in weeks. apparently my sister needed help with an application. shes sleeping in the room next to mine right now. my brother has a serious girlfriend. i feel like a kid when i contact him. ik nothing of the future he'll have. my older sister has a job lined up shes wanted for years in the line of work she has. idk what her title has been for any of them. i have a partner right now. idk what their major in school is. my best friend got married. i havent seen or talked to her since the wedding.

my other best friend, my newest one, who has only ever known me as rae, is the only one privy to my recent thoughts. those that plague my mind day and night that i hide behind a smile. hes the one i called at 4am when i felt myself slipping. hes the arm that grabbed me from that metaphorical ledge. i cant lose him. im scared though. if these thoughts are what will make him leave. if i tell him.

the last one left without a goodbye. it hurts seeing her social media. shes still happy while i cry when i think abt her. abt what i lost. bc of distance i tell myself.

i miss home. i miss naivety. innocence. freedom from responsibility.

its 7am right now. i miss home. home holds me at arms length. when will i reach it? will i reach it? do i have enough strength to even try?

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meekmice · 8 months

Text

What’s said in the silence is ever so loud

——————————————————————————

If you can believe it,

I came out here

To write a poem or two,

Maybe a song—

But I sat down with my thoughts instead.

We had drinks, plenty for two—

You talked about how much we hated ourselves,

how we try too hard, love too much,

& over extend our limbs to people who don’t

care at all—

& you won again.

“They always disappear.”

I cried, you laughed at me,

We took turns fueling each others fires—

I tried to roll with the punches,

Since I guess I want to “run with the big dogs”—

But you manipulated me into thinking

I’m this <—> this small again,

And I shouldn’t have given you the power

To touch me.

So we took a few more swigs,

and they hit us harder than usual—

I cried into my dirty palms,

While you packed our bag

& we pushed each other around

In the dark.

Was thinking we might make it to our own

Funeral.

You helped us get our jacket on,

I was kind of chilly

in this wind—

I was already struggling anyway

You looked down at me

from the bottom of the bottle

as I poured it down the hatch,

& said

“Kid—

No one ever cares.

Nothing ever changes.

The world is an ugly place.

Love is a fucked up thing.

Life is a hurtful tactic.

Learn to let it go.”

I swallowed with hesitation

I replied,

“It would be nice to just wither away.”

With a soft smile, as I spun around

On one foot.

You looked at me—

“That’s the spirit.”

With a menacing smile.

We dabbled in the dark

to find our footing.

Almost fell a few times,

But we got to our wheels,

And rolled all the way to the bright lights—

Swaying in & out of the blurred lines,

But we felt alive &

maybe just a little dead inside

We went down to the tracks,

And breathed in the crisp air—

I thought hard about the

Loss I endured

When she left the earth.

You didn’t think I had it in me to go on.

You laughed at me as I faltered,

As I fell to the wayside.

Distraught, ugly tears… unsteady hands..

We shoved the motivation to keep going,

Deep, deep down..

And you almost pushed me onto the tracks.

I almost let you.

I really did.

But I dried my wet, gloomy eyes,

wiped my nose on my sleeves

and pushed you into the

Limelight—

“ENOUGH.”

& I stepped into the elevator.

I can see the look on your face,

The look of disdain..

Outside these foggy windows.

—this is where I leave you.

-T.R

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ventingbaybe · 2 years

Text

6/9

I feel like this was the culmination and the breaking point.

I moved across the country for college. Left a smallish city in Oregon for Boston, Massachusetts.

I had a dog before I moved, he died suddenly and traumatically back in late July. I’d been at work, my brothers were supposed to watch him and our other dog, they let them out in the backyard and forgot about them, something common. He got out of the yard, another common thing. But this time he got out on a busy road, got hit, luckily a family friend drove by and saw him, she held him while he passed and took him home with her till my dad could pick him up after work. I loved this dog, he was my soulmate honestly. I’d sit and talk and talk about how much I couldn’t wait to move out and take him with me. He was a flashy faun boxer, light brown fur with white splashes on his chest and a white line down the middle of his face, I’d sit on the ground and hug him and he’d press his face to mine so my nose would rest between his eyebrows and we’d just sit there.

I found out on my way home from work, cried the whole walk home and spent the next hour sobbing in my kitchen telling my brothers it wasn’t their fault. It was, obviously, I don’t want them to feel guilty or like they are to blame, because hundreds of other factors go into his death. But they knew not to leave them outside unwatched and they knew he had a habit of running off. My dad picked his body up and he was buried later that day, underneath the same tree as our other dogs.

After this I was definitely...numb. I was torn between being so viciously angry and so sad that I couldn’t do much more than follow the motions of life and try to get over it.

A month later I left for school.

Small transphobic school on the east coast, a nudist minor for a roommate, and a friend group led by a possessive and controlling asshole. Set up for success. My dream school was across the street, I had planned on transferring over there, but thats the point of this days entry.

Yesterday I had a call with the man in charge of financial aid at the school and was trying to talk to him about getting more aid so I would be able to attend.

Backstory, I don’t have FAFSA due to issues with my parents, and a cool thing is that without FAFSA you cant apply for most additional aid opportunities or get a federal loan, because the school cant decide wether you need the additional money or not. I was paying alone, had to beg my dad to cosign my loan for me, but he let me know it’s all on me. I paid for everything on my own for college, the whole shebang.

But he let me know that without FAFSA the school can’t give me any more money. So just like that, my dream school is out of the question, I cant go back to my original school because they only guarantee housing for freshman so I wouldn’t be able to get housing.

My mom already let me know that if I decide to take a gap year I’m not allowed to stay at their house for it, this is layered on top of the threats of kicking me out that she’s already laid out for me.

So...I have until late August to either find a new school to last second accept me or find a place to move into, try to convince some of my friends to move out or something.

Anyways it all just kind of came to a point today because my middle brother had been complaining about some of my baking attempts. I used to be really good at baking but bread has always been a weak point. Tried it once when i got home and it didnt work, tried a cake the same day and it also didnt come out right, they both got tossed. Made shortbread cookies and everyone also complained about how gross they were. I get it, but the whole point was adding the curd on top, but they all ignored that. Yesterday after my call I decided to try bread again. Whipped up some premade brownie mix my mom bought too. I don’t know where the brownies went wrong but they burnt on the bottom and stayed raw in the middle. Bread looked promising, rose up amazing, I baked it, and I liked it! Pretty dense in the middle but I was excited, the first bread loaf I ever got to properly rise and bake. My brother tried it yesterday and spent a solid 5 minutes complaining about how gross it was and fake gagging/coughing. Today my mom grabbed it, only halfway eaten maybe, asked if it was okay to throw away, I just nodded, upset, but my brother cut in again with the fake gagging and talking about how gross it was, he goaded her to eat a slice, which she threw away after one bite and joined in complaining about the denseness and lack of taste.

I understand it’s gross, and I understand it’s pathetic and embarrassing complaining about this as an 18 year old, I’d say its because I never learned to accept constructive criticism, but it’s not really constructive at that point. Afterwards my brother complained that every time I bake nothing ever comes out or tastes good.

After that, I stayed sat at the computer, while my mom jokingly asked “didnt you miss your brother?” I nodded, I did.

I talked about my family constantly, how excited I was for them to meet my parents when they came to help me pack to come home from school (they didnt end up coming, pretty embarrassing after talking it up for 8 months), I’d drag them to the school mailboxes at least once a week, hoping for a post card, a note, anything really in response to the copious amounts I’d sent them over the months. None ever came, a few from my aunt, some from my grandma, never any from my parents or family.

None of them cried when I left for school, I remember the distress when my older brother left. When I came back for Christmas my middle brother had told me that he didn’t miss me, that he knew I was coming back so why would he. I like to think I have a tight grip on my emotions but my heart definitely broke in that moment. I’ve always been closest to my middle brother.

My brother interrupted my nodding, to talk about how much he hadn’t missed me. How he hated that I was back home. How he thought I was so cool the summer before I left, and that when I came back for Christmas he was glad when I finally left, that he can’t wait till I leave again. It hasn’t even been a month yet and he’s already so excited for me to be gone. My mom had laughed, scolded him in the shitty way moms do towards their favorite kids, the “haha, dont be mean” but she didn’t have anything else to say when he continued with it.

I hate how much I missed my family when I left, how I excitedly talked them up, how funny all my brothers are, how much I couldn’t wait to go home and see them all again. And instead this is the worst. They don’t like me, they don’t want me back here. I had to pack up my room when I left, they wanted to move my youngest brother into my room, we have enough rooms in the house that I could have kept a bedroom here, they knew I’d be back for the summer after all. But instead most of my shit is gone, the other packed in the 3 allowed storage bins I was allowed to keep. Everything I took to school fit in one suitcase and a backpack for a carry on. I live in the ‘guest bedroom’ it’s a bed and a rug and a sauna my mom got for Christmas.

When I first got back all my mom did was complain that I’m staying in her sauna room.

There’s something about having your presence in your house be wiped out. To wake up in a room that isn’t yours that you aren’t allowed to decorate beyond whatever stuffed animals are on your bed.

There’s nothing for me here, nothing to do.

All my hobbies were thrown out last August all my shit is packed away in bins my parents dont want me unpacking since I’ll be gone next August anyways, whats three months in an empty room?

I get made fun of if I sit at the kitchen table to write, I get made fun of for sitting on the couch, I get made fun of if I stay in my room.

There’s nowhere for me to go here. I sit on the back porch with my dog while it rains and clench my jaw till my ears are sore.

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