#any of that. like i cannot stress enough how fucking stupid of an idea it is to tell a cis person who for ONCE said a masc guy could
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i do not understand the posts from ppl who complain abt how ‘cis ppl always headcanon gender conforming characters as trans’ bcuz first thats just literally not true like at all and second please help me understand how in this fantasy reality where cis ppl if they ever think anyone or any fictional character is trans at all anyway, if they ever think anyone but characters who fit their transphobic stereotypes r trans, u think they should stereotype.. more? like yes absolutely irl gnc trans ppl exist and need and deserve characters that r like them that are not like, transphobic and r actually respected and represented well, but i just want u to name 1 time a cis person said a masculine male character was a trans man. just once
#honestly name a time anyone but a trans guy goes for a masculine guy to be trans. like what the fuck are you talking about#even other trans/nonbinary ppl can b transphobic abt what trans ppl 'can' look like.#like i understand if u dont feel particularly represented bcuz theres not a lot of gnc trans characters#but good god there r not a lot of 'gender conforming' trans characters either and anyway cis ppl r not the ones who r going 2 give u#any of that. like i cannot stress enough how fucking stupid of an idea it is to tell a cis person who for ONCE said a masc guy could#b a trans man that theyrehcing 'guys who look cis' as trans too much like. i hate to tell u this#but there is no way u can make 'u can spot trans ppl in a crowd' progressive its just always going ot be transphobic#i just dont understabd. can we make 'u should have diversity w ur trans chars bcuz as ppl all look different that is also true for ppl'#*trans ppl. instead of like. this
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Another BG3 companions appreciation post, this time after the tiefling party. (Updated ver.)
When I say I love all the companions what I mean is I love all their traits, even the negative ones.
I love Gale who flexed big words and magical knowledge and his connections to Mystra since day one. Call me crazy but without knowing the background I AM impressed by his achievements and knowledge. Of course, his ambition led him too close to the sun, and like the fabled Icarus, he fell. But he's trying to make amends. He's completely surrended to the idea of finding an empty lonely spot for himself and dying alone in excruciating pain and filled with regret. Not even once did it cross his mind that Tav or others would want to continue journeying with him after he confesses about the orb. The moment he told me about his cat I stared at the screen in disbelief because I knew I'm suck his di-
I love Lae'zel who could've killed me right away on the Nautiloid but instead shared all the information with me, helped me fight my way through, tolerated everyone else, and from what I've seen from others Githyanki is actually really nice. She never lets Shadowheart's sneers get to her, offers Gale to teach him to fight, and answers all questions Wyll asks her about her culture. I was genuinely surprised when she not only complied when I ordered her around during the interrogation of Zorru or the confrontation of the Githyanki patrol but also thanked me for stepping in. Her honest, no-nonsense attitude is so refreshing in the story where everyone has secrets and you always know only half of the information if any at all. Everyone in the camp is hiding something from Tav except her. Say what you want but with Lae'zel, what you see is what you get and I really, really like that.
I love Shadowheart because she tries to be a bad guy but that just isn't her. Despite her church's teachings and her secretive and prickly attitude. At the end of the day, she's just a lonely, scared, and lost young woman who was put on a dangerous mission and is expected to deal with it alone. I don't know much about her yet but it's clear from her talks about Sune and various scriptures I found in the game about Dark Justiciars and clerics of Shar... and in all those stories, when they finally got the recognition of their goddess or they've completed their task, all that awaited them was emptiness... That's no way to live for Shadowheart. I can see the small glimpses, just like in Lae'zel, of desire, curiosity and so much want. She was forced to live in a place that forbade any individuality or anything except blind obedience. To just be a pawn for the big guy. But both she and Lae'zel could be so much more than that. Drinking up everything the world has to offer. I really wish that for them.
I love Wyll because...it's Wyll?!? I cannot stress enough how much I am fond of characters that are just good, kind, and selfless. I never get tired of heroic characters who honestly are in it just for helping people. Wyll was living a life of leisure and could be the prodigal son for the rest of his life. Instead, he picked up his sword, donned his stupid superhero name, and went on saving lives. He even went as far as making a deal with the devil just so he could be the hero of the people, not because he enjoyed the fame but because of his ever-present need for charity. He doesn't let anything, not even the tadpole or Mizora get in his way. He could've been one of those Martyrs who blindly follow the black-and-white definition of good and bad, killing Karlach right away. But he spared her, even if all it gained him was punishment. There's something so pure about him in the way he just wants to believe. I'm pretty sure he saw his fair share of fucked up shit while adventuring but he still wants to uphold these ideals of heroism. The boyish chuckle when I insisted that I wanted to dance with him... I'm not smiling like an idiot you do!
I love Astarion not for being the seductive vampire fantasy I thought him to be, but for the absolute chaos gremlin menace he truly is. He's the orange cat, the possum screaming at you from a garbage can, the raccoon hugging a chewed piece of moldy bread. His snark is impeccable, and his over-the-top mannerisms never fail to make me grin like a maniac. I'm strictly good-aligned but I watch him run around causing Situations and I'm like "Yes, you do that sweetheart. You deserve it." There are already many long detailed posts that describe shit he's been through so I'll only say this. I never pitied him or felt sorry for him. I admire him. Sure his path to recovery is nothing short of a mess. He hasn't had much chance at a good ending. But he took every fight kicking and screaming, not willing to give up and he has my respect for that. Because sometimes hope comes in the form of spite and anger. I love watching him rediscover himself at all points in life. I love Astarion the way he is (little shit) while simultaneously believing he can get better, and if that's wrong I don't wanna be right.
Ugh. I'll edit this later and other companions, I'm too tired now.
#bg3#bg3 spoilers#baldur's gate#baldur’s gate 3#baldur's gate 3#baldurs gate#baldurs gate 3#baldur's gate iii#wyll ravengard#bg3 wyll#baldurs gate wyll#shadowheart#baldur's gate shadowheart#bg3 shadowheart#bg3 gale#gale dekarios#gale of waterdeep#baldurs gate gale#laezel#lae'zel#bg3 lae'zel#baldur's gate lae'zel#astarion#bg3 astarion#astarion ancunin
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Fantastic Rants and Where to Find Them
So, back when the Herbie Porber movies were still being made, Warner Brothers saw the cash cow on their hands and decided they had to lock that shit down as much as possible to make sure they could milk it until its teats were chafed and withered to nothing. To that end, they bought the rights to every book the Terf Queen had written by that point - which included all the Henry Pansley wizard school mystery books, but also two gag books set within the Henry Pansley world: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, which was presented as an in-universe biology textbook for wizard children, and Quidditch Through the Ages, which was an in-universe book of trivia for a fake magical sport.
And at the time everyone with a brain who'd read those two books was shaking their head and thinking how dumb those corporate executives were to do that because, like, those aren't novels or novelas or short stories or narratives of any kind. They are, and I cannot stress this enough, a fake textbook and a fake trivia book about fake things written in a slapdash manner as a cheap gag. They existed for three reasons:
First, to sell something Herbie Porber related at a significantly lower price point than the actual novels so the Terf Queen could get more of that sweet, sweet Scholastic Book Fair money by having something poor kids could buy.
Second, to give a portion of the proceeds raised from that poor kid book fair money to charity so the Terf Queen could get some nice tax writeoffs.
And as a distant third, to expand the world-building of the Henry Pansley setting a teensie bit.
Now, as far as I'm aware, they succeeded at the first two well enough - tons of kids bought those cheap-ass thin as shit paperbacks when I was a kid, myself among them. Well, ok, I only bought Fantastic Beasts and skipped Quidditch because even during the height of my Herbie Porber fan days I thought the Terf Queen's imaginary sport was really fucking stupid and every time it popped up in the books I was bored as shit and tried to skim it as quickly as possible to get to the interesting stuff. I think I looked over the book once in a Barnes and Noble and thought, "Wow, I knew I thought real sports were boring as shit, but it turns out fake ones are even more so."
But back on track - goal number three was... kind of successful, I guess? Like, I don't know if you know this, but bestiaries of fictional animals are one of my big interests. I love a big book of made up creatures, and have collected many in my long life of thirty-four years. And as I said, I got a copy of Fantastic Beasts - technically several, because those cheap ass paperbacks disintegrated if you read them more than once, and I haven't met a bestiary that I haven't poured over several times, no matter how shitty. And despite how often I read it, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them was, well... pretty mid, honestly. It's a book that's 99% world-building, and like all of the Terf Queen's world-building, it's overall mediocre and undercooked.
Like, in pure Herbie Porber style, it's mostly concepts that have been done in fantasy fiction and mythology dozens of times before with no real original spin on them whatsoever, often stripped down to their most recognizable elements alone. There are a smattering of original ideas that are actually interesting an novel, a few more original ideas that have potential but don't seem very well-thought out as is, and then some that are clearly just there to be a joke and are amusing for, like, a second, but also would quickly become annoying if they were given any focus.
I'll give a very me-specific example. As a fan of vaguely medieval european fantasy tropes, one of the metrics by which I judge a bestiary is "How does this handle dragons?" Because, like, I don't know if you know this, but I love dragons a lot, and the sheer variety of dragons in fiction is one of my favorite things in the world. There is a smorgasbord of different dragons a person can choose from just in folklore and mythology alone, and that variety is reflected in a given bestiary, the higher I think of it.
The Terf Queen's bestiary gives us ten dragon breeds... and they're all more or less the same except for scale color and minor variations in size. Oh, and their names, which are all based on different dog breeds because the Terf Queen thought that was funny. It's the worst of both worlds because it gets your dragon-loving hopes up that there'll be lots of unique dragons but no, they're just different colors, ho hum. Even the Chinese Dragon sticks to the same basic bitch wyvern body plan as the rest, when, you know, Chinese dragons have SUCH a different body plan than any of their European counterparts. It's downright insulting to the variety and creativity of this iconic folkloric archetype to reduce it to such a samey-set of monsters. Absolutely the most disappointing dragon entry in any bestiary I've ever read, just infuriating.
BUT, BACK ON THE INCREASINGLY DERAILED TRACK: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them was never meant to be a "great" book. Remember goals one and two: it was a cheap cashgrab, a gimmick, a gag book. It was meant to be a disposable bit of fun - "Tee hee, here's a goofy textbook from this goofy wizard story that you kids will likely grow out of in a few years, you can read it in twenty minutes and not feel bad when you pitch it because there's very little substance to it, and it only costs three bucks."
The Terf Queen doesn't write textbooks, gag or otherwise, she writes novels, narratives, and in its original form Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them was clearly just her fucking around with something whimsical and stupid for shits and giggles (and money, sweet sweet money). The original version of it was published with notes in the margin written by Henry Pansley and Donnie Stoat themselves, the two wizard hooligans writing little jokes and messages to each other with further references to other characters from the series, both to add more humor and because, again, the Terf Queen writes novels, and it was clear she couldn't commit to the "fake textbook" bit without working in some characters riffing it for her own sanity. And that makes it work as a gag book - you get a few laughs from the wizard hooligans playing MST3K with their shitty textbook, learn a little about the (undercooked and poorly thought out) ecosystem of the wizardy world, and then when you reach the back cover the spine of your cheap as shit pulp paperback book falls apart and, unless you've got a weird obsession with bestiaries, you throw the dying book in the garbage without a second thought. Three bucks spent well enough.
BUT, TO GET BACK ON THE INCREASINGLY DERAILED TRACK AGAIN: Warner Brothers bought the rights to this cheapo cashgrab gag textbook, and goddamn it, they were/are determined to squeeze Herby Porber's sore teats until every last drop of money milk spills from his chapped and bleeding nipples. They announced they were going to make a Fantastic Beasts movie towards the end of making the Herby Porber novels into films, and everyone with a brain sat there and thought, "Well, that's going to be a stupid cashgrab. Bet the Terf Queen's laughing her ass off at how dumb it'll be, too."
But the Terf Queen was not laughing, at least not for long, for once the Henry Pansley movies wrapped up, she was left with the horrifying knowledge that people didn't care for her non-wizard books all that much, certainly not enough to keep her rolling in sweet, sweet money. She needed that mega millionaire cash, and she needed it in abundance and she needed it quick. So when Warner Brothers asked her to write a movie based on her cheapo cashgrab gag textbook, she said, "Yeah, I can make a novel out of that! I - I'm a talented writer! People love my writing! They definitely love my writing and they'd love to pay money for things I wrote that don't directly feature Henry Pansley!"
So now she had to pretend that Fantastic Beasts, the cheapo cashgrab gag textbook about made up animals in a made up world, has a narrative. Not just any narrative, but a grand, sprawling narrative, one to rival, nay, SURPASS Herbie Porbie and the Seven Books of Wizard-Themed Coming of Age Nonsense. Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, she assured us, was to be a magnificant tale, and one she planned all along, and CERTAINLY not a marriage of convenience to a completely stupid idea for a film that she was desperately sculpting into a narrative it had no ability to support for the sake of trying to recapture her already passed glory days as a writer.
And I think, in retrospect, this is a great illustration of the Terf Queen's great character flaw. She just can't fucking admit to a mistake, even when it's obvious to everyone that one was made. She will hop on board a sinking ship and keep doubling down on trying to get it to sail even as the water is up to her neck. Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them is a serious narrative now, not a gag textbook written to wring a few more dollars from school children goddammit!
Recent editions of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them took out the Herbie and Donnie commentary, by the by. They also added many of the new half-baked monsters that were introduced in the movies, in a shoddy attempt to pretend this was the plan all along, and that Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them was always meant to be the seed of something great.
But it wasn't, and no matter how hard the Terf Queen pretends otherwise, it's obvious it wasn't. It's a cheapo cashgrab gag textbook, and that's all it really had to be, until greed and ego demanded otherwise.
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Thank you Irene and Aubbie for the tags<3 I really appreciate it a shit ton.
Twst content spotlight
@azulashengrottospiano Amazing, and I cannot stress this enough, AMZING octatrio content. Her writing style is so fucking amazing yet so simple? Go check her out she’s so fucking cool.
@axvwriter such a fantastic mind. Their oc Bobo is adorable and their art is even more adorable. The creatures they make are so fucking cool and awesome.
@twitchers-column a new blog made, but so far the stuff nem posts on their are just, chefs kiss. Not much on their but I see so much potential for it(I want to, uh, help with it).
@nem0-nee probably my newest moot but she is so sweet and her art is so fucking cool! Her Oc’s are so amazing and fantastic <3
@jemmidraws also new, I mean very new, but her art is so beautiful! Again not much posted but I highly recommend checking her out(her comms are open btw!)
@daily-trey posts amazingly accurate Trey content. They also respond to stuff as Trey by drawing them, my favorite post of theirs is the newest cater x Trey angst^^ (their comms are also open!)
@moonlit-midnight also writes amazing octatrio content. But they also write for other dorms like Diasomnia. Btw go check out their master list cause, it’s so fucking pretty? Like bro, that shit is so pretty and amazing.
@drdepper her art, gives me life. No no listen. The art style, the colors, the line art. I’m gobbling it up so hard. She’s also in love with Vil, don’t understand why, but Love listening to her talk about it.
@robo-milky her twst yuu is so fucking cute!! She’s so freaking talented, like tf? Girl, keep some talent for the rest of us T^T I wanna hold cloche is my hand like a small bird, ya feel me?
@altshin his twst yuu is so freaking chaotic it’s amazing 😭 his art style is so simple to me but still so gorgeous. Fellow photographer mc o7
@the-v-lociraptor everyone move it’s the creator of Castor and Pollux!! If you can’t tell I love those two twins with all my heart. Her art style is so much, that it becomes perfect.
@harunayuuka2060 while they do write for twst they also do obey me, and let me tell you they are always so fucking good!! Their writing style is Character A:….. Character B:……. It’s so fucking cool! Go check their blog out I always have fun with their stuff!!
@mintmoth they’re art style is so cute😭 my favorite Kalim artist in every single platform ever. The way they draw him makes me so happy!!
@malleusgethomeplz just posts twst shitposts. No really, that’s it, nothing more nothing less. But it still always brings me joy. They are also so stupid that it’s the best ever.
@egophiliac my favorite Lilia artist. They’re art is so unique. Like everyone move! It’s the the best Diasomnia artist is in town! Go check them out.
@oepionie I love love LOVE their writing the way they write scratches that one spot in the back of my brain. They’re writing style is so fucking gorgeous!
@blackopals-world she writes for various types of yuu. The way you can tell that she puts so much effort and love into her work is amazing, love her work so so much.
@siphoklansan sippy!! You think you’ve see great art with so much love in it? Ha yea right, you haven’t seen shit until you’ve checked my girl sippy out B) her oc’s are so fucking pretty and interesting, my personal favorite is my beloved Charin, I wanna give him a kissy kiss.
@ashipiko fellow ace kisser o7 she is so sweet and I just love her so fucking much like you have no idea. Her art style is so pretty like girl, you’re making me tear up with how gorgeous everything looks.
@ceruleancattail their themes give me life. It’s so fucking pretty and gorgeous and beautiful. Their art style is also, chef’s kiss, my personal favorite stuff is anything butler or/and yandere related<3 I will also continue to defend the kisser cater allegations with my life o7
@oheyfox Renny<3 best Jack Howl art there is, you won’t find any better then here folks! Her female first years ever. Her art style is so fucking pretty too!! Go check it out, this is a threat.
@shinysparklesapphires her art is so pretty with such interesting and incredible oc’s!! A beloved moot of mine<3
@terristre their art is so simple yet so fucking cute and adorable. I really like the way they draw the Twst characters. They’re comics are so freaking cool!!
@yuurei20 they technically analyze Twst characters and their relationships with other characters and more. It’s so interesting reading their works:0 I 10000% recommend everyone to check them out.
@dibbledoodle her yuu is a wine aunt without the wine and I am here for it. I fuckinh love her art style so much. I love the way she draws Leona he looks so stupid T^T
@revivemyreverie the way they draw, gives me life. They have so many oc’s and each one is more interesting then the last, I can’t decide who I love most. That’s a lie, it’s Vegas, it’ll forever be Vegas.
@del-thetiredwriter I love love love LOVE their mafia AU. Hello? Why is it so good? I’m on the edge of my seat waiting for the next chapter. I took inspiration from them while writing my own mafia AU, go check them out<3
@twistedchatterbox the creator of this amazing thing✨ she’s amazing and I love her writing so fucking much<3 tbh if it weren’t for her April collab I would’ve never had the courage to post twst content on here. So Rubia, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for everything. I owe all of this to you, Love you girl<3
I originally was gonna put like 10 people but ended up putting waaay more😭 but you know what, I regret nothing. All these amazing people write and/or draw some of the best stuff ever. And I’m so fortunate to have come across their stuff because it is truly amazing<33
#❦moots<3❦#twisted wonderland#twst#❦cece#twst spotlight💖#twst spotlight#go check everyone out<3#they’re all such cool and talented individuals#and thanks to anyone who’s been supporting me on here#I never thought people would actually like what I make#but seeing people interacting and telling me they like my stuff is amazing#just remember to reblog and not only to like#rebloging is very important and it makes more people see our stuff
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2000 Word Commission (Uchiha Madara / Fem Reader)
@ moroseu
"I just wanted a short and sweet scenario of Madara finding out reader is an artist. (She kept it hidden mostly out of shyness or embarrassment) Madara flips through her sketchbook and it’s just a bunch of portraits of him funnily enough."
EACH COMMISSION COMES WITH AN EXTRA SECRET SCENARIO, THAT I UNIQUELY AND ESPECIALLY ADD FOR THE BUYER. (I'll leave you an example of it at the bottom, but in Spanish, so you don't cheat.)
KO-FI COMMISSIONS
I hope you enjoy it Roseu, and thank you very much for trusting me!
Madara searches and searches but cannot find it, and he knows Hashirama will forgive his absentmindedness, but Tobirama will not. If he wants to survive today's meeting with the Senju brothers, he must find that copy of the peace treaty he was supposed to write.
He rummages through his office and knows there is no point in searching his desk in the Hokage's tower, only because he already did so yesterday, desperate and dreading this morning's arrival. The Uchiha counts the hours he has left before facing the albino in a death match for having lost something so important and mentally prepares to justify himself.
What can he say about it? Life is so stressful I lost sight of it? I probably forgot it somewhere, where everyone can access it, and I don't even remember where it is? Maybe it fell into Izuna's careless hands, and who knows where it ended up?
Any excuse, no matter how stupid, will work to buy off the Hokage, but with his brother, it's a different story. He can already taste the repertoire of insults Tobirama will hurl at him, those dirty looks that will fill him with anger, and the urge to battle him like it's war all over again.
He decides there is no way of maintaining his mental health today if he can't find the damn document, and frantically rummages through all the drawers of his desk, one by one. Papers fly through the air, feathers, and ink spilled on the beautiful wood of his furniture, falling and staining the floor.
He worked hard for the paper to be politically perfect, without any terms or words that could ignite it’s recipients' ire, sentences idyllically conjugated and devoid of any errors, fool-proof. Of course, not himself-proof.
Madara runs his hands through his hair, tugging and trying to pull ideas from possible hiding places through the pain. He tightly clenches his teeth to keep himself from screaming, but the clock shows he doesn't have much time left.
In a desperate attempt, he turns to his room, shuffling through all his clothes and throwing garments everywhere. Soon, the place becomes a mess, with the bed unmade moved from place to place, clothing strewn all over the floor, and drawers opened and dismantled. All his personal belongings are left in plain sight, including jewelry and valuables, but the treaty is still missing.
The Uchiha sits up in bed, angry and frustrated, and starts punching pillows only to avoid lunging at the walls and tearing a hole in it, yet breaking the bed’s foundation along the way.
Soon, the whole scene looks like a battlefield, as if someone had broken in and tried to steal, searching for goodies and destroying everything in their path. Of course, Madara had the courtesy not to touch his wife's side, leaving her clothes and belongings where they always are, without moving or disturbing the order (Y/N) maintains of her things.
Her closet had not been opened or searched, her clothes were intact, and her jewelry as well. It was only his side of the room that seemed to have been broken into.
In the midst of the chaos and the beating of his poor pillow, a voice catches his attention from the bedroom door. "Aniki what the fuck happened here...?" Izuna asks without surprise, used to his older brother's fits of rage and the imperious need he has to break, hit, hurt.
As if enlightened by the god Indra himself, he feels hope, deeply counting on his younger brother to have some idea where said document may have gone. Madara’s eyes are bloodshot, he has a vein standing out profusely in the middle of his forehead, and he holds his poor pillow as if it were a person he is trying to suffocate.
When Izuna looks at him, he seems about to pounce and eat him alive. He feels like a Senju in wartime, taken as a target by the worst Uchiha of all.
Hoping whatever is happening to his older brother won't stop him from remembering they're family and he shouldn't kill his Otouto, he asks uncertainly, "Any explanation for this? We're all grown up now, Madara. Didn't all dad’s scolding help you with any-"
"WHERE IS IT?!"
Maybe Izuna was the one who took it from Madara's office, to read and analyze it. Maybe he found it lying somewhere in the house, keeping it out of concern for the importance of such a paper. Perhaps he took the liberty of putting it under lock and key, being aware of the monumental event unfolding on that sheet.
"What the fuck are you talking about! You're honestly scaring me, maybe it's better if I call Hash-"
"NO! ARE YOU CRAZY?! JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU PUT IT!"
"WHERE I PUT WHAT?!"
"THE TREATY!"
"THE TREATY?"
"YES, THE TREATY"
Seeing his younger brother's confused face, Madara realizes he is not involved in its disappearance. He probably doesn't even know what said paper is about, nor does he have any interest in knowing. Izuna had refused to participate in the construction of the village, in the new power system, and still has trouble adjusting to living with his former enemies so closely.
No matter how much the Uchiha leader tried to involve him, to share with him what happens in every meeting with the Hokage and his brother, he refused to listen, to admit things have changed and violence is no longer necessary.
To think he could be involved in the situation was his inner hope believing his younger brother was finally ready to accept everyone's new life.
"Listen, I have no fucking idea what you're talking about, but if you don't want me to call that fucking Senju, why don't we ask (Y/N)?"
Taking a deep breath and finally letting go of the tortured pillow, Madara breathes in through his nose and out through his mouth about three times, feeling his younger brother's restrained laughter from the doorway and the effort he makes not to tease him when he's angry.
"Why would (Y/N) have the peace treaty? She won't even step into my office; she despises all political matters. If she had stumbled across it around the house, in case I’m willing to admit I missed it, she would have delivered it to me in hand."
"Maybe she forgot, Aniki. We, humans, make mistakes and forget things! For example, the other day I was with this girl and-"
"Just shut your mouth and help me search."
Mentally apologizing to (Y/N), the Uchiha decides he can't let any chance slip away, and resolves to go through his wife's drawers. He is the one who takes care of the clothing, while his younger brother investigates her personal belongings and jewelry.
They both silently engage in the task, feeling like they are trespassing on boundaries they shouldn't be. If the situation wasn't desperate, Madara would never mess with her personal space.
After what feels like an eternity of unsuccessful searching, Izuna says, "You know... now that I think about it... On one of your trips, when you asked me to stay with her in your absence, I saw her placing things in a secret spot. I shouldn't have looked, I know, I know, don't even bother, I don't want to hear it, but maybe right now it will be useful for you."
Outraged by his younger brother's meddling but eager to discover a new searching possibility, Madara agrees to be guided to the place, with Izuna still endlessly justifying himself as to why he knew about it.
They both arrive at a chest hidden under the stairwell leading to the second floor, an object the Uchiha leader had never noticed there before. Made of dark wood, it camouflages with the dimness of the cramped space, remaining perfectly unnoticed.
There is a padlock on the lid, and he ponders as to why (Y/N) would shove something so important in there, without telling him anything, and then lock it up. It doesn't make any sense, but at this moment nothing does, and he agrees to trespass on his wife's last privacy boundary.
Crouching down in front of the chest and using the strength of his hands, he forcefully pulls the lock apart, its metal yielding weakly under his fingers as if it were made of plastic. It was clearly a symbolic barrier, a warning sign for no one to dare open it. It was not genuinely intended to protect, but to appeal to the conscience of whoever wished to violate it, and prevent them from doing so.
Madara could not afford to ignore the possibility.
"Aniki... are you sure it's worth it? Why would she put it there?"
At Izuna's words, the chest is left unguarded, with the older Uchiha hesitantly opening the lid. Inside are a pile of papers, notebooks, knick-knacks, and items resembling souvenirs.
It's like a time capsule of (Y/N)'s entire life, filled with photos and tidbits identifying her childhood and the course of her years. Madara feels like he's looking at something he shouldn't, but he doesn't react fast enough to stop his younger brother from taking the easiest notebook to reach and looking at its pages.
"Oh wow... Madara... maybe you should..."
From the ground, the Uchiha leader steals the book from his hands and begins to flip through the pages with the same amazement as Izuna.
Its pages are filled with drawings, professionally executed, perfect, and pleasing to the eye. The first works date back to ancient dates, scribbles without much sense and various objects, as if (Y/N) had been practicing.
Madara was unaware of his wife's talent and inwardly wonders why she never told him how good she was at her craft. As he continues to look through the same notebook, the younger Uchiha dives for another one in the bottom of the chest, enjoying it as if it were an adventure.
"Well... this just got weird..."
Not understanding, he receives the next notebook from Izuna's hands and analyzes it with amazement. This book, unlike the previous one, is entirely about human faces. Bodies, features, positions, and postures, different examples of the same person in different scenarios.
At first, he finds it hard to believe, but Madara finally understands why his brother considers it weird.
All the drawings are about him. Every figure, every face, every eye, and faction, posture, is him being traced on the white pages by (Y/N)'s hands. The first page consists of his face expressing different emotions. An angry drawing, a happy one, sad looking, a disgusted one.
The precision of her strokes is so accurate it's scary, but he can't stop seeing himself from (Y/N)'s point of view. The next one consists entirely of his body, his torso without a shirt, that scar on his chest placed exactly where he has it in real life, the mole on his arm in the same spot, and his groin line precisely matching.
The drawings vary in mood and style, from some suggestive to utterly adorable, each line's precession terrifyingly perfect.
At some point Izuna retreated, leaving him alone with the astonishing discovery and unwilling to take responsibility for having found (Y/N)'s secrets. The Uchiha leader, so absorbed in his stupor, did not even notice, continuing his analysis without interruption.
The time for the meeting with the Senjus passed, and it was Izuna who came forward on his behalf to take over the responsibility, covering for his older brother in his initial trouble and allowing him to enjoy their find.
Madara spent hours in front of the chest, pulling out notebook after notebook and finding tons of works portraying him, grinning like an idiot to himself at the love he feels for this woman and how lucky he is to be the subject of her art.
Maybe (Y/N) was embarrassed about it and kept it hidden from him, yet the Uchiha just wants to hold her so tightly as to smother her, fill her with kisses, and make love to her, all at the same time. He felt genuinely honored and happy of having such a lovely and talented person by his side.
EXAMPLE OF A SPECIAL AND UNIQUE ADDED SCENARIO
#uchiha madara x reader#madara uchiha x reader#madara x reader#uchiha madara#madara uchiha#izuna uchiha#uchiha izuna#izuna#ko fi commissions#uchiha commissions#naruto x reader#naruto shippuden#naruto imagines#naruto#uchiha clan
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Alrighty: no beta read we die like Horangi x König ship posts on Twitter
I made a story and for those who do not like small angst or are not comfortable with illness can read that lol
Warnings: Mention of schizophrenia, small angst
You cursed as you ran towards Price‘s office. Soap had pulled a prank on you by turning back your clock…by 3 fk hours. Price had been in a very bad mood lately Duo to you failing at a mission that had been very important. The entire task 141 hated you already and you cannot really say that anyone else liked you. Price had called you to their office today but ofc you were late. Your illness has been catching up on you.
schizophrenia
You got it diagnosed but refused to take your pills often since they were super expensive. You took one half a day ago and wanted to get this over with soon. You did not know how much longer it would work.
You knocked on the door only to be greeted with a stern voice. “Come in. Now.” That definitely was not a good way to start.
You entered making sure the door closed silent. You looked at price him only pulling up your file. Ghost was next to him he gave Price some more files. You could see others faces on it. _He is going to replace you_ You shrugged that one off hoping it was just your inner voice.
Before you could even say anything Price suddenly screamed at you, you even saw Ghost flinch a bit. ( you and ghost are neutral in this storyline bc I said so. Also the 141 does not actually hate you that is just c/n telling themselves)
“DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY PROBLEMS YOUR STUPIDITY CAUSED ALL OF US?!”
“I-“
“I AM GIVING YOU ONE LAST CHANCE! DO NOT DARE TO FACE ME AGAIN UNTIL YOU EITHER DECIDED I COULD BRING IN SOMEONE MORE USEFUL THAN YOU OR YOU BECAME USEFUL.”
You would have lied by saying that you were ok. Hell you were sure Ghost could see you shivering. You had to do smt so you just ran out. You just ran. As fast and as far as you could.
“Look who is running.” “The fuck.” “Hey what are you doing crybaby.” Suddenly 13-15 voices started talking in your head. You wanted to scream at them. You suddenly felt watched. “C/N wait!” You heard Price. “Soldier!” Ghost’s voice spoke.
No. Not now. You cannot face them. Stupid voices. It was all too loud and too scary. You wanted to take a step back only to noticed you were on the edge of a cliff.
A few minutes back into Price’s office:
“Fuck.” Price just said. He knew what he just did was terrible. He knew you were not useless but he was too stressed and was not thinking about what he was saying. “I will look for him.” Ghost said before making his way to the door. Price noticed a white box( package whatever you would keep pills in) on the ground. Ghost picked it up and read out loud- “schizophrenia- Price!” Never had the Captain ever jumped off his seat so fast. Chasing after you.
Now back to you
You heard every voice in your head telling you to still take that step. You started hallucinating. Small but duo to your situation convincing enough to make you step back. You already felt arms wrap around you, pulling onto safe grounds. The next pair of arms wrapped around you. They held you tight. So very tight. “Y/N…”
No words were needed that day.
141 took notice of your illness and made sure to help you out.
Price and Ghost would make sure there was always one person with you.
They also made sure you got more time of.
Or different scenario for people who are not comfy with small Angst:
You were new and small and ofc scared
Price trained some Rookies, you included
He was a rather rash teacher so when you failed at doing something duo to you being so small( or at least not a fk giraffe. ) he got mad
He screamed at you for not having trained enough
It would be no lie if you said you avoided him to your death
Even when you passed each other you would make sure there was a huge space between you two
Price would later realize why you avoided him and most definitely would give a flowers as an apology
Old man would scream at the others
Ghost would cover your ears and then calmly explain you how to do it right.
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Ed & Izzy POV in s1e4
(this episode is so rich I'll analyze it for the rest of my life)
I wanted to understand those two and I think I finally did [tell me if it's stupid]
So basically e4 is about Ed and Izzy stale, deteriorating relationship (duh). We start with Ed sitting next to Stede’s bed, fascinated by the man, who wasn’t impressed by his reputation, according to Izzy.
He then went to observe the sky. Izzy was looking for him everywhere (Ed just goes and does whatever he wants, not consulting with anyone, on a foreign vessel). Izzy starts talking how they are in danger and in need of a plan. Ed interrupts him, knowing what he was going to say anyway, not important, let’s talk about my brilliant plan (he cannot stop himself from sharing something he finds cool or interesting, his ideas included) (yeah, I hc adhd Ed)
Izzy is stressed about the Spaniards. They’re a real threat and it’s better to avoid any confrontation, because they don’t have much chances to win this fight. Ed ignores him. Of course he does, he doesn’t care about anything recently.
But he can’t just drop the topic, not this time! Fine, he will play along, as long as they can finally talk about the important stuff.
Ed sees Izzy’s disinterest. Ah, fuck it, I don’t want to share my fun with you anymore, fucking killjoy. Fine, whatever, let’s play along, what is this plan you want to discuss?
But he isn’t listening. He knows they have a lot of time, he knows they won’t have to do anything, so he already thinks about how to spend his work free day.
Izzy tries to keep the crew in line, not getting too friendly with his boss, to keep their authority, their control over them, so he interrupts Ed, before he says something stupid like “of course I won’t kill you guys, you’re fun!”
Ed is in the good mood again, after meeting the crew, especially the bird guy. He again wants to share his interests with Izzy (the little ship), Izzy isn’t interested (he thinks they still don’t have a plan). Ed gets pissed at all this nagging (Usually Izzy probably would already stop pestering Ed), he tells about his boredom, his frustration, he spells it out for Izzy. All Izzy sees is that Ed is avoiding the question. Why can’t he just give any instructions and Then talk about his feelings? He doesn’t have a problem with the feeling talk, but for christ’s sake can we please not die first? He’s really patient with him, he just asks. He explains why he’s bothering him so much.
Ed talks about dying all of a sudden. Izzy’s completely taken aback.
Ed was starting to idealize death. I don’t think he really considered suicide. He was tired, bored, nothing would give him joy. Until today. Today he finally had fun since so long! And Izzy is just making it harder for him to enjoy it. No, if you don’t care about anything I say or feel, fuck you, I’m out (no sharing a plan for you, you probably wouldn’t appreciate it anyway).
Izzy’s is getting seriously worried Ed is loosing it (again apparently, his erratic moods and all). If Ed won’t get his shit together soon they’re fucked.
He sees the Spaniards getting closer. They don’t have much time.
Stede asks if Ed works for Blackbeard. First of all: so he doesn’t know who he is. Second of all… huh. He did feel like this whole Blackbeard was a chore after all. He really has enough of this (knowing that the only retirement for a pirate is death).
Since he’s just Ed now, he let’s himself admit out loud that yes, yes he does fancy a fine fabric. Fabric so soft, he may have never touched one like this before, it was always out of reach, a fantasy only… And Stede happily shows him his secret passage he made for fun, his auxiliary wardrobe full of beautiful clothes. It’s like being in another realm! He’s overwhelmed with all of this, with how completely and incredibly different Stede’s life is! How colorful!
And then he hears Izzy. Ah fuck. Leave me alone, don’t wanna talk with you now. I’m not telling you about the cool stuff, you wouldn’t appreciate it anyway.
That Stede guy tho, he knows how to have fun, he’s nice and not judging his interests, he can know his identity now. (and then he does that flirty look). They’re having an affair in the closet.
Since Stede is such a cool dude, he tells him about his feelings, about feeling trapped, about being a ghost, how being Blackbeard is like a job. And he’s working as an actor, a decoration, a prop. How nobody sees him, Ed, when thinking about Blackbeard, but some stupid unrealistic version from the book! And Stede listens! He understands! Finally Ed feels heard!
Stede is proposing retirement. Not “retirement” as death, but to just leave (of course Stede proposed that). Ed couldn’t leave, could he? But it was his work free day, so let’s get the most of it! Stede wants to be Blackbeard? Fine, whatever, he’s not working today anyway. They are safe, because he knows the clouds!
Izzy knows they don’t have much time. Ed wasn’t cooperating and now got irritated and went fuck knows where. And now, what the fuck is he doing now?!
So he completely lost it. That’s enough. He was cleaning his mess all this time, but today is especially maddening! He doesn’t care that they’re going to die, he doesn’t care that his crewmates died for this crazy escapade, he doesn’t care he’s stressing him out! He used to be a brilliant man, but now he’s just insane, and he doesn’t want to die because of him.
Ed, after having so much fun with Stede, is much more disinterested in talking with Izzy, now that he know how much someone can actually engage with him, see him as a person, how invigorating a conversation could actually be.
When Izzy decided he has to fix this mess himself (again) and attacked Stede, Ed used this to again explain to Izzy how he feels, since he wouldn't listen otherwise. And when Izzy realized Ed didn't go mad, didn’t loose his connection to reality, he started to listen again. I wouldn’t be surprised if it did happen before: Ed not telling Izzy his plan, because he was angry at him. Maybe that’s why Izzy stopped and listened, instead of interrupting this game. He realized that that’s what was happening.
Everyone is impressed with Ed’s genius plan, Ivan shouts “That’s why you don’t doubt captain Blackbeard!”, you know, like Izzy did. Ed even gives him the look “What do you say now, huh?” He explains how the clouds were important, another jab at Izzy. Izzy’s mostly irritated. It couldn’t be the first time this happened. This is what they do, get mad at each other from time to time.
But Ed was wrong, and that changed everything. Now it wasn’t just a normal spat, now they’re going to die, because neither of them wanted to listen. Because Izzy was so quick to doubt Ed. (tbh I don’t know how much of it was a real doubt and how much just stress) At least that’s how Izzy feels.
Ed gave up. He didn’t really cared about living after all. He did his job because it was his responsibility, fighting everyday just to fight again the next. But since there’s nothing to do, then whatever.
Then he and Stede come up with the idea, and Ed actually learns something from today’s mistake. He works with people, with everyone. He’s not isolating anymore, stopped keeping his thoughts, plans and ideas to himself. And that let them escape.
Izzy decided to leave. Apparently his relationship with Ed became dangerous to everybody. Apparently it’s better for them both to split. But Ed tells him he was right, he wants to reconcile.
Ed wants to stay here with Stede, but he cannot just say that. Ed may have find something, someone who makes him happy, but he’s still deep into his pirate life, where you can’t just admit to such soft things. Izzy would nag him again that he’s being stupid and reckless, he would never shut up about it, he’s sure. So he lies about planning to kill Stede. This will buy him more time. He wants to stay here just a little longer. (and maybe he feels bad about having to lie about it, or having to lie to Izzy, his closest friend. Maybe he was sad because he realized he cannot share his joy with Izzy)
Izzy thinks he and Ed are finally good! He’s so happy! He didn’t want to leave of course, but he also didn’t want to endanger Ed. But since Ed wants him here, needs him, then he’s going all in. He will do anything and go anywhere for him! (Izzy also didn't know he could be this happy) (no, seriously, that "I need you" could be his first step towards realizing his feelings for Ed) (ah fuck I made myself sad now)
Tbh I don't think any of them knew or thought about their feelings as romantic (everyone has to have an opinin about it these days I know). More like, Izzy was in love, but thought it's just admiration. They were close, they were the closest people to each other for a very long time. I'm not saying they were buddies, more like a family, coworkers, partners, something like that. Izzy was useful to Ed, but I also think Ed was used to have Izzy around, since he was his family in a way. They would fight and then go back together, not knowing there's something better. Like Ed said, his life was boring, so his relationship with Izzy was probably rather stable, probably comforting even, for their standards. (I mean look at the last screenshots, they're close and chill and talking feelings) I think Izzy realised he was in love only when he started to loose Ed.
#not really a meta#more like an interpretation#I almost wrote a meta about this episode and then realised I was so wrong#close one#yeah I don't know if this look at the episode is the correct one or obvious but I wanted to put it into words#edizzy#ofmd#izzy hands#edward teach#ofmd meta#our flag means death#Like I'll write about later episodes but it would be too long and the rest isn't so focused on the details
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Random Cars thoughts I think about all the time pt.1
It’s currently fairly late (early?) and I can’t sleep so imma talk about things in the cars universe that I think about near constantly. Ok 1 2 3 GO
Mater private eye
Dude I think about this short all the fucking time man, but do you know what the best part about it is imo?
This character design RIGHT here. DUDEEEEE ok this might just be my sheer adoration of classic/vintage cars but this bitch showed up and I went feral a bit. First of I cannot believe they created such a bomb ass character for this five minute short and he’s just never seen again but dude it fits the 1920’s theme so perfectly, the way they’ve exaggerated the front fenders to resemble the turned up collar of a trench coat, the way his roof resembles a flat cap like it’s literally so COOL MAN. I actually can’t stress enough how excited my pathetic little monkey brain got when I saw this design for the first time. The fact (In my opinion) that they were trying to mirror the car seen in peaky blinders (1927 Bentley 6.5 litre) is also extremely cool as you can see the whole gangster element really come through in the character before he’s even properly introduced RAHHHH. I’m so incredibly biased about this because this design alone hits like three of my hyper fixations at once but RAHAHRBHAHAHSBS HES SO FUCKING COOL I NEED TO OWN HIS DIE CAST AHHH
The Thomasville racers
I would just like to state my love for the thomasville racers. YES I know they play a moderate role in the third film and get plenty of screen time I guess but in my humble opinion THEY DESERVE MORE. Do you have ANY idea how hard a prequel movie/series would go (I KNOW ITS EXTREMELY UNLIKELY AND KINDA IMPOSSIBLE) I would give a kidney to see these characters in their prime, just from the flash backs of their races I just know it would be so much fun to watch. Seeing them interact with Doc would be an absolute highlight, being able to gauge their own personal relationships with him, Louise’s feelings towards him (fucking pop off babe love her) it would all be so interesting to see and I would start backflipping irl if Pixar EVER announced they were going to expand on them as characters. Also river is the best I didn’t talk abt him here because I don’t have any immediate thoughts but be’s silly and I enjoy him.
Car biology
Now there is one thing that comes to mind in this fucking fandom when you talk about car biology, and that is the obvious how the fuck do they reproduce. DOESN’T MATTER I HAVE A BIGGER QUESTION. Are their eyes wet. Hear me out here ok, cars cry, we see it happen and there’s implications at multiple different points throughout the franchise that they have tears. Does this mean their eyes are wet??? Or are they crying wiper fluid or something? I feel like that would make sense but the line between what are bodily fluids and what are yummy delicious beverages is so painfully blurred that It wouldn’t surprise me if they’re chugging wiper fluid too. The eyes are wet argument is overall kinda silly because we see lifeless car wrecks in some of the shorts and the windshield is still intact! So this presents something worse than eyes are wet, it implies that the car itself is like an exoskeleton and all the meaty important parts are on the inside! Yay! I only say this because we know they have brains obviously and it’s mentioned in some official book that I can’t remember the name of right now but it’s CANON they have brains. So are the brains MEAT? Because if the brains are meat then the eyes are probably squishy too!! But if they have windshields and we think about the exoskeleton thing are their eyes just freakish gelatinous cubes smushed behind the windshield? BUT IF THATS THE CASE WHY DO THEY NEED EYELIDS? I’m aware that this is all highly stupid and trivial but Pixar made too many decisions with absolutely no was to explain them in a child-friendly way and ultimately backed themselves into a corner about stuff like this and now there’s sleep deprived neurodivergents on tumblr dot com trying to pick up the pieces.
Anyway that’s it for this one I might post more of these in the future because it’s fun to just rant about ridiculous shit for no reason lmao
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my mom has repeatedly dismissed the idea that she has favorites between us, and yet earlier this year she literally admitted to my face that she's prioritized my abuser over me bc she's 'going through worse stuff'.
and constantly. fucking CONSTANTLY i have to hear abt my abuser, how much she's 'changed' and 'loves me' and 'wants a relationship with me' etc etc etc
and the most draining part of all of this is that i busted my ass for multiple fucking years to finally break the shackles off and get the fuck out of here, only for a selfish, heartless, absolutely piece of utter and complete shit to damn me back here.
and now, im stuck in this cycle again. where spending EIGHT HOURS on the phone trying to get my phone shit settled, and being at my absolute fucking limit bc on top of dealing w that crap, i had to listen to my abuser and her kids screaming at the top of their goddamn lungs for the past two days, and snapping to shut the fuck up,, gets me dealing w my mother holding a grudge w me.
bc 'oh let me have kids and then maybe ill understand' IT'S LIKE THIS EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME SHE'S OVER HERE. AND SHE WAS LIKE THIS BEFORE SHE FUCKING HAD KIDS. THE BRUNT OF MY ABUSER WAS LITERALLY BEING SCREAMED AT AND BERATED BY HER OVER STUPID SHIT.
/IM/ THE ASSHOLE FOR BEING INSISTENT THAT SHE HASNT CHANGED ?!?!? WHEN SHE LITERALLY HASNT FUCKING CHANGED!!!?!?!?!? SHE'S /WORSE/ NOW /BECAUSE/ SHE STILL HAD KIDS ANYWAY WHEN LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN HER LIFE WARNED HER NOT TO BC WE ALL KNEW SHE'D BE A SHITTY PARENT. AND WOW, HUGE SHOCKER, SHE IS!!!
i made the decision when i was VERY young, but also old enough to realize just how deep rooted my trauma runs & how much it affects my responses to stress & other shit, to not have human children bc i fucking KNEW. no matter how much i try to be a nice person, no matter how good my intentions try to be, i can be very nasty. i can be harsh. i can be snappy. i can be violent. i can be completely apathetic to how my actions affect other people when i'm angry enough.
i ACKNOWLEDGE that shit. i will be the first to admit when i probably went overboard, but i am so fucking sick of being put in a position where if i dont apologize for being fucking straight up verbally, emotionally, mentally, or even physically abused, & responding to that abuse like any fucking body would, ESPECIALLY a person who has existing trauma, im an asshole.
im so. fucking sick. of being alive. this year has broken me. it really, truly fucking has. i lost EVERYTHING. i dont even have a fucking doctor. i am back in the house all my trauma happened in, damned by someone i thought was my best friend who looked me dead in my eyes a month after my daughter died in my arms & told me damning me back to the house every traumatic thing ive ever gone to 'wasnt her problem'. & having to be put right back in the cycles i brutalized myself to get out of.
and the worst fucking part is that this year has left me in such shambles from stress, i physically cannot pick myself up anymore. my alters can't pick themselves up anymore. we are all so fucking burnt out, and it is so fucking draining to lie to ourselves that hope is worth it when we had it all stripped away from us repeatedly in such brutal ways. nonstop. i swear to the moon herself, i mean it when i say not one single day this entire year has been peaceful. has been free from some degree of pain, or straight up agony.
i am tired of beating myself up for being angry. i am tired of being berated by other people for being angry. FUCK all of that shit. this year, and the shitty people who refuse to fucking offer me the same empathy they DEMAND from me, have fucking destroyed me. and i DESERVE TO BE FUCKING PISSED OVER THAT SO I FUCKING WILL BE IM FUCKING PISSED FUCK THIS YEAR FUCK MY ABUSER FUCK HER GODDAMN DEFENDERS FUCK THE BITCH WHO DAMNED ME HERE FUCK MY ENTIRE LIFE IT'S NEVERENDING BULLSHIT AND IM TIRED OF ACTING LIKE ANYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME WAS OKAY OR THAT I HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH IT!! NONE OF IT WAS OKAY!! IM NOT FUCKING OKAY WITH IT!! NOBODY FUCKING WOULD BE!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#mine#vent#abuse mention//#i had to get all this out im literally so fucking pissed#i went to get food after starving all day bc my abuser was here#and my mom stood in the kitchen doorway and glared at me for almost a full minute#and when i snapped 'what' she cursed me out. bc. u know.#i fucking snapped hearing my abuser SCREAMING for two days straight.#oh but if /i/ have a meltdown where /i/ scream and throw a ~tantrum~?#then it's 'grow the fuck up. ur so immature'.#my sister is fucking 30 years old. and has NEVER fucking honed in her anger. EVER.#but IM the immature one here. not the 30 y/o with TWO CHILDREN WHO NEVER LEARNED TO CONTROL HER ANGER#im so done.#i literally bend over backwards being everyone's goddamn therapist#& then get told im a piece of shit when i too have human emotions & reactions to TRAUMA.#im done! im done. im done.#yall want a fucking apathetic snippy selfish piece of shit i always get framed as for being fucking burnt out after being brutalized#every goddamn day & losing everything in a year? fine. im done being a therapist for fucking free & suffering in silence alone#fuck this shit
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survey #201
Do you like meatball subs?
I really don't, they just make the bread soggy, which I cannot tolerate texturally.
What is your favorite smell on earth?
Fresh baked goods. Cinnamon rolls are the best.
If you have a sib, do you call him/her “brother” or “sister” sometimes?
I call Ashley "big sis" quite a bit, and sometimes "little sis" for Nicole.
Did you ever collect stickers?
I did in my childhood for a very long time! My original dresser ended up completely covered in stickers because that's where I kept my collection of them.
Have you been baptized in any religious tradition?
I was as a baby.
Do you love the smell of sunblock?
I don't.
What was the last upsetting thing that happened to you?
An asthma flare-up. Since my actual attack at the very end of January, I've now had FOUR more instances where my oxygen levels were on the very, very brink of "I need to go to the ER." One time I literally would've gone again if Mom hadn't told me not yet (she didn't want me waiting for hours because my oxygen wasn't low enough to be attended to immediately). I'm very stressed out about it; I'm not supposed to see a pulmonologist until June, but Mom and I are praying that there's a cancellation I can slide into.
What was the last thing you ordered from Starbucks?
I've never gone there because I hate coffee. Oh wait, I have gotten a treat from there, but I can't recall what it was, this was years ago.
Do you trust your doctor?
I trust my primary doctor and therapist. My current psychiatrist is an absolute fucking joke and after my last appointment, I refuse to go again. We're gonna try and set me up with a psychiatrist where my therapist is.
Do you ever question if your mother loves you?
God no, I know me and my siblings are her world.
What is missing in your life?
Fun. Adventure.
What is your favorite type of Lunchables?
Nachos, zeeeeero competition.
What is the worst medication side effect you’ve ever had?
As far as the most truly unenjoyable, vomiting. Scariest, bodily spasms and the constant state of feeling like I was on the very precipice of a seizure. What I'm assuming was probably the most dangerous, hypomania.
What is your favorite thing to order at Taco Bell?
Fiesta potatoes.
What church do you go to?
I don't go to church.
Do you take risks often?
I really don't. I need to be more willing to. Not stupid ones of course, but sometimes risks are necessary for growth and success.
The last time you ate leftovers, what was it that you were eating?
My mom made these sorta cheesecake bars to bring to Girt's the other day, because he was obsessed with them when Mom made them last, so his family got to try it and were also hooked, haha. I can't remember everything in it, but I know it included a sugar cookie base, chocolate chips (I think?), toffee bits, pecans (which you really couldn't taste, it was mostly a texture thing), and caramel.
What was the last flavor of ice cream you ate?
Vanilla.
What is your favorite song at the moment?
Probably "V.A.N." by Bad Omens and Poppy, at least for right now. It's not my favorite song ever, but it's newer so more enjoyable to listen to lately.
What is one thing you have too much of?
fat lmao
What type of fruit do you eat the most?
Apples.
Would you rather eat strawberries or watermelon?
Strawberries. Watermelon is too watery to me, I don't enjoy it.
Do you prefer hamburgers or hot dogs?
Burgers.
How far away do you live from the place where you were born?
The hospital I was born at is barely five minutes away.
If you buried a time capsule, what would you put in it?
Oh I have no idea.
Describe your clothing style in three words:
Comfortable. Lazy. Dark.
What’s something you want to do more often?
Be outside.
Who is your favorite YouTuber?
Of all-time, Markiplier. I don't really have a favorite these days, just a few I enjoy a lot. Some of these are Game Grumps, Snake Discovery, NKFherping, John Wolfe, Shane Dawson, Woolie VS, and Gab Smolders.
Do you believe in soulmates?
No.
What band or artist do you think is overrated?
I just really don't care, let people enjoy the shit they like. Just because I don't enjoy an artist doesn't mean other people can't.
What’s something untrue that you believed for a long time?
Uhhhh maybe that slit pupils on a snake always meant it was venomous. I've known that's incorrect for years, but I did think that was a universal rule when I was younger.
Did you skateboard when you were younger?
No. I kinda passively wanted to, but was never too interested to actually learn.
Have you ever won a contest?
A few, mostly related to writing ability.
What’s something weird you’ve eaten?
An orange yogurt-flavored treat for guinea pigs lmao
Who is someone you would like to get to know better?
An acquaintance from high school named Courtlyn. We're Facebook friends and interact sometimes, but I'd love to get to know her better.
When’s that last time you saw snow?
It's been like two years. :/
Who are the 3 people you love the most?
Mom, Girt, and then I'm not sure who would be #3. There's a collection of people that come to mind, not just a single one.
Last person you slept in the same bed with?
Girt.
Have you recently been sick?
No.
Would you marry someone if they were unable to have sex?
Yeah.
Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds?
I think this would vary from person to person. For me, it was infinitely worse. I never would've anticipated the pain I went through.
Last reason you went to the ER?
I had an asthma attack.
What facial cleanser do you use?
I don't use one anymore.
Have you ever cheated on the significant other that you have now?
I've never cheated on a significant other, period.
Do your parents like your boyfriend/girlfriend?
They both love him and have loved him since we were teenagers.
What was the last fruit or vegetable you chopped/sliced up?
An apple.
Does the last person whose house you were at like anyone?
Me, I'm his girlfriend.
Do you tend to talk on the phone a lot?
No, I literally hate talking on the phone. Primarily because over the phone, my auditory processing issues are worse, but also because I dislike not being able to see body language/expressions and it's just annoying to hold a phone and talk to someone and stop what I'm doing when you could just message me.
What turns you on the most?
do not touch my boobies ok
Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex?
Yes.
Have you ever suspected anyone of cheating on you?
Not seriously. I can ponder the possibility of Jason having had something going on with the girl he dated after me with how quickly they got together (over Facebook, anyway), but I genuinely do doubt this. If anything, he was over it/open to someone else quick.
Ever get caught doing something naughty with your boyfriend/girlfriend?
Yes and we never addressed it and I'm thrilled about that lmfao
Do you use q-tips to clean your ears?
Only occasionally, and I'm very careful when I do because overuse/going too deep with them before caused wax to dry and adhere to both of my eardrums and I had to have it suctioned out by a specialty doctor. The doc was very serious about q-tips being an awful idea for internal cleaning, but I can't stand NEVER doing it.
Have you ever swam with dolphins?
No, but I'd like to.
If you/your gf became pregnant accidentally, would you consider abortion?
I would get an abortion. It'd be the better option for everyone involved; yes, including the potential baby.
What was the last candy you ate?
Peach rings.
Do you like zombie movies?
Indifferent.
What’s the grossest/worst thing you’ve ever seen in a public restroom?
Blood completely covering the underside of the seat.
Have you ever volunteered in a hospital? If not, would you ever want to?
No to both.
How do you feel about runny egg yolks?
The concept of that going in my mouth makes me want to fucking hurl.
Have you ever hidden a relationship from your family?
No.
Who was the worst friend you ever had?
Colleen, when it boils down to it.
When was the last time you made plans with someone? What are you going to do with that person?
A couple days ago, at least loosely. Girt and I are gonna hang out here this weekend. Dunno what day yet.
Are you close to your extended family? Do you wish you were closer?
No; yes.
While on the road, do you play any road games?
No.
Have you ever picked apples before?
Not really, like at an orchard or something, but I have picked a wild apple out of a tree (it was on a friend's property; we all did it, with the owner) and it was the best apple I ever had.
Are you scared of semi-trucks? Especially when you’re driving next to one?
I'm terrified of them. I get tense when I'm in a car where the driver is near one.
Do you have a fence?
Along the back and one side of the house, we do.
If you have any pets, do you talk to them in a baby voice?
uh, duh
Who was the last person to comfort you?
My mom during one of those bad asthmatic episodes.
Do you think that in the end, everything will fall into place?
Not necessarily, no. This sadly doesn't happen to everyone. Some people just live a shitty story with no pleasant resolution, no matter what they do.
What was the last thing you swallowed?
Flavored water.
Do you like cats?
I adore cats. I'm glad Girt's an obsessed cat dad now too because that means more cats in our future, haha.
On a scale of one to ten how much do looks matter to you?
In a potential partner? Probably like... 2 or 3.
What are you listening to?
"The Death of Peace of Mind" by Bad Omens.
What’s the closest pink object to you?
There's pastel pink on the tumbler my sister gave me that I use for my flavored waters.
Are you afraid of thunderstorms?
So, yes, but I can also enjoy them. I only get scared when there's a tornado risk.
Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
No. But I know historically, I've been happier when with a partner.
How much effort did you put into your last relationship?
Before my current one? I put my all into it. I mean, at the time, I thought I was in love with this person. And when I feel like that, I go all in.
Do you have impulse control?
Yes, at least to a degree. I can tell you I'm not the best at controlling my mouth when I'm hurt, but I'm definitely better than I was as a teen.
Would you do anything on a dare?
Nope. I don't even go along with dares, I'll do what I want to and not do what I don't want to.
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yknow, i know we're literally all giving that metaverse shit absolutely zero press whatsoever on purpose both because none of us can stand the idea of giving zucc money to play it, AND because of the fact that it (hehe) zuccs in general as a whole both as a design concept and as a game. like its not fun even in concept really. but look i just NEED to give it shit for this one thing. i have to
look. in the history of vr techs development, as much as a layman as even i am (as someone who can not own a vr headset under any circumstances due to personal reasons i dont have to get into, its like 3-4 major reasons minimum). i understand that the vr history "basically" begins with the nintendo virtualboy, which was a commercial failure because Something About It gave people severe and unmanageable motion sickness. and then, even in spaces where people WANTED vr games to be a reality, it took a REALLY long time to get a game out that was good to play and felt good on the eyes for more than an hour on the average non-chronic sufferer of migraines or photosensitivity. like, in order for the games to reach the level of "playable, easy on the eyes, extremely unlikely to make you violently motion sick, and not unbearable for photosensitive chronic migraine sufferers", it took YEARS of trial and error from my perspective
first step rules of all vr games:
do not make "falling"/"spiderman" areas where the player, while standing completely still, has to fall/swing in mid air
do not make inputs too specific/precise, a small button should be achievable with shaky hands and uncalibrated controllers, though buttons shouldnt be small anyway
boring, jarring, or impossible physical movement is extremely hard to watch, it should be synced to irl movement as closely as possible and finger motion if available should be dynamic and easy to understand and intuitively use
metaverse, i cannot stress this enough, breaks literally all of those main basic rules to prevent motion sickness, eye fatigue, and has the fucking audacity to not even be fun while doing it. its PAINFULLY cheap looking, with next to no animations for officially licensed "minigames" (white arial font text "you have been hit!" and such with a bland red overlay in one, literal spiderman swing-between-buildings-over-empty-void-level-while-irl-standing-normally in another). like... theres a REASON these basic vr design rules exist and why breaking them is a bad idea. metaverse spits in the face of basic design and function research. its like they almost dont expect real people of varying visual and sensory ability to see to play the game, and i dont mean "autistic vs allistic people", i mean just straight up people who dont perceive color or light intensity the same way as other people. which is everyone, because varying sensitivity is a part of natural variation in people. vr chat has achieved this. BEAT SABER managed to achieve this while having a huge part of their gimmick break the vr rules of "things that are flashing lights fly at you very quickly", and they manage it in STYLE. tons of vr games work in spite of the inherent struggle in vr of making a game that isnt sickening to play and use. and you'd THINK a company as spyware-heavy as facebook would be able to come up with something a basic human person could play without being bored or sick, and yet... they cant even manage legs. they cant even manage not LYING about having legs. and its so useless and stupid and deserves everyone ignoring it and not bothering to even try it out of hatred.
you have to pay for applause points that might win you an irl shirt if you're top 5, and the shirt isnt even good. literally pay to win social interactions in a game that is so painfully boring and cheap you cant even imagine where 90% of the money could have gone. i dont genuinely think i could have... even FOUND A WAY to spend so much money on things like drugs and gambling in the dev time this game has taken that could account for how much money just simply could not have gone into actual development. i literally cant imagine how they could have done this. indie one person passion projects can create a better tech demo than this entire game manages to be for like... what? $15 billion? it makes me sick thinking about how much money was sunk into this and it still somehow has microtransactions. it feels insulting and flaunting. i hope mark zuckerberg reads this and feels a little worse about the whole thing than he already does. i really hope he feels bad and useless and hopeless.
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A Brief Review of the Silent Hill Transmission
Silent Hill Ascension: So straight off the bat, this is the only one i think is going to be unambiguously bad based on what little we have. It appears to be y’know less game and more “interactive story”, promising YOU the players can help SHAPE SILENT HILL CANON, but also being a multiplayer online thing that releases incrementally, being by the creators of Dead by Daylight. The way they talked about the exact logistics of this wasssss non-existent, but the way they were hyping it up made it essentially sound like an MMO version of a Supermassive game and/or a democratic version of Black Mirror’s Bandersnatch. I love new ideas. I love new ways of approaching games. It’s just that this particular approach happens to be fucking stupid. Also the brief look at the monster looks like a Dead by Daylight killer, and I don’t mean that in a good way. ALSO J.J. Abrams and Bad Robot are involved, and J.J. Abrams has not done a single good thing since idk Cloverfield? So we’re gonna put together the formula of The Dark Anthology Pictures games, Live Service games, and J.J. “The Mystery Box Man” Abrams in a blender and see what happens. That sounds for......a really funny news cycle if nothing else.NEEEEXT
Silent Hill Townfall: Interesting company behind it, made some fun and unique little indie story-based horror, so i’m told. Unfortunately, this was by far the least helpful trailer, and all i really got from it was the talking heads on the radio....tv....thing talking about how they were there to be punished in a way that, maybe I’m misinterpreting, but maaaaybe was veering a little too tongue-in-cheek meta for me. I don’t know though. I’m mostly indifferent, the trailer showed nothing, I cannot stress enough. Did not work up my feelings one way or another
Silent Hill f (Silent Hill forte?): This is the only one i’m actually really fucking pumped for. Masahiro Ito is back, but actually going in a direction with his art that he really wants to be going and is creatively interested in, the world and art design look incredibly unique, it looks unsettling as fuck, it doesn’t capitalize on ANY previous Silent Hill iconography or indeed, even the town itself, seeming like it’s set in some rural and possibly in the past Japanese town, and it’s written by a guy who apparently writes quite disturbing shit. Apparently. Iiiiii can’t really get past the art style or genre of his previous work sorry so i’ll take people’s word for it. I’m glad they ended on this, because it gave me a lil note of hope to take away from the whole thing
Various Silent Hill 2 announcements: I knew a remake of Silent Hill 2 a la the REmakes was coming, and i was fine with it, cautiously optimistic about it, even....even though they really should remake Silent Hill first since that’s the one in significantly more dire need of a re-imagining a la the first Resident Evil, but i digress. Footage looks pretty good, even though they inexplicably made James Sunderland ugly but honestly that’s kind of hilarious, my only real gripe is that it’s being developed by Bloober Team. You know, the Blair Witch Layers of Fear lads, the ones who take to plots about mental illness with all the subtlety and nuance of a napalm enema and are most widely (in)famous for making walking simulators. But, I’m willing to give them and Konami the benefit of the doubt. After all, if Capcom can do it
Then came the announcement of the movie. Another Christophe Gans joint, and all right, that’s fine the first Silent Hill movie wasn’t....well it wasn’t exactly great, but it wasn’t terrible either, i liked bits of it.
The movie is an adaptation of Silent Hill 2. Oh, fuck me jogging, here we go. Now look, some of the storyboards looked very promising and as with the remake, Christophe was swearing up one wall and down another that he’d suck the original’s dick with proper reverence and cradle the balls and everything, but that’s not really my main concern, my main concern is-
Huh? What’s that? Silent Hill 2 statuettes? Yeah, I mean I guess that’s-
A Pyramid Head skateboard? I mean....all right, yeah it-
What? The dog? The dog from the dog ending? A stuffed animal AND a figurine complete with control panel?
SIGH.
Yes, unfortunately, Konami are officially milking Silent Hill 2 until the sad bastard’s udders bleed. Part of me can’t help but wonder if this isn’t Konami’s fucked up Wishmaster, Calypso from Twisted Metal, Monkey’s Paw interpretation of the backlash they kept getting from just slapping the iconic images from Silent Hill 2 on everything divorced of context.
But no, more likely they just keep hearing the way people bang on and on about Silent Hill 2 as one of the greatest games of all time (which it is) and are cynically trying to re-capture lightning in a bottle in their never-ending quest for profit, somehow forever blind to the fact that if they just give passionate artists money and let them do whatever the fuck they want like they did with the original Team Silent, new lightning might strike; comparatively, sitting around all day trying to force the exact same lightning bolt from two decades ago into various newer and shinier bottles will never EVER reproduce the same effect, only ghosts of it with various degrees of success.
This is the same thing every media company everywhere in the fucking world is doing right now, but especially horror, so it’s hardly surprising, but it is....depressing. Ten years after they cancelled a truly original Silent Hill game that also would have made them more money than God with the P.T. stunt Kojima pulled in the most baffling financial decision in human history, the fact that most of what they have to show is THE SILENT HILL 2 SHOWWWW and an “interactive community experience” chasing modern trends is fucking depressing.
But like i said Silent Hill f i’m actually happy about and Silent Hill Townfall, goofy name aside, has Schrodinger’s quality going for it right now, it literally could be anything so fingers crossed for that
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Reading through "Escape From The Dark Forest", a tale of a bunch of whitehat hackers trying to save about $9.6 million worth of Ether from a faulty smart contract, two things struck me.
This is a wonderfully-written, inspirational story of collaboration that's genuinely wild and fun to read, with a happy end where nobody gets scammed for millions of dollars and a plucky team of whitehat hackers save the day. Hooray!
Absolutely no fucking part of this is in any way acceptable for something passing itself off as a financial or investment instrument!!!
I mean holy shit. There's layers to how utterly fucked this is!
First, it's really fucked that people are dumping millions of dollars in investments into a company with publicly readable "smart contracts" that contain significant security errors. If the person who found the exploit had been malicious self-interested ("code is law", remember?), that's nearly ten million nominal dollars gone. And it wouldn't even be clear that it'd be theft, because that's how the contract was written.
Second, it's incredibly fucked up that Etherium is a "dark forest" in the first place. See, the devs couldn't just use the exploit to save the funds themselves. They'd have to put it in a pool of pending transactions (the "mempool") and bid to find a miner who would implement it in a timely fashion. In doing so, they would run the risk of the transaction being picked up by bots that could outbid them, frontrun the transaction, and... steal all the money in the process. This is apparently a fundamental risk for all transactions in Etherium.
What? The fuck? I'm no blockchain expert but my takeaway is "Jesus tittyfucking Christ why is this not enough to make people abandon the platform en masse?"
And third, it's absolutely incredible that the solution to this problem was... To find a trusted third party to skip over the Etherium mempool. They directly contacted a miner they trusted and had that miner manually insert the transaction. In a trustless decentralized blockchain. Note that this miner could at any point decide, "nah, I'm just gonna steal it" and do that instead (but, again, debatable if it's theft or not). So could any other entity trusted in the process, although they would also run the risk of getting sniped by bots, because they'd have to go through the mempool. Remember that one of the main selling points is the idea that the network works despite adversarial relationships, specifically because of this trustlessness. And here, the only solution to salvage nearly ten million nominal dollars was to find a trusted third party to overcome vulnerabilities built into the protocol.
Absolutely buck-wild shit from top to bottom.
Now this is very much my interpretation, but I feel like it's written and framed as though it's a triumph.
But that's just not what happened here! An investment fund based its fundamental existence on faulty code, an exploit was found, and they couldn't fix the exploit without exposing themselves to unacceptable risks or sidestepping a fundamental part of the system. A bunch of greedy, stupid gamblers barely avoided losing their shirts to their own hubris and carelessness, and only got off scot-free because they knew which centralized entity to call to bail their asses out. We're talking about nearly ten million nominal dollars here!
These kinds of errors (and the hacks that exploit them) are ubiquitous, because it turns out anonymous randos running ponzi schemes aren't super serious about security.
This would be kinda funny and interesting if we were talking about WoW gold or monopoly money or whatever the fuck is going on in Eve Online. But we're not. We're talking about tens or hundreds of millions of nomimal dollars being pumped into insane, insecure DeFi ponzi schemes where at any moment a well-placed flash loan or code exploit could lead to everyone involved losing their shirts. Remember Beanstalk? Remember Axie Infinity? Remember The DAO?
I cannot stress enough how insane every part of this is. Crypto is cancer.
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It took me a while to figure out what was wrong with modern Fnaf and I think I nailed it:
It's a progressing story. No longer are we being given pieces of lore from history unknown, we're waiting on the next update to the currently happening story.
Problem is that it's very surface level. They haven't put the effort in to make it feel modern, there's an absolute lack of checking webpages and source codes, an absolute lacking necessity to even keep up because nobody knows anything until several games in.
Like, yeah you could say some of the same to the original 3-5/6 games, but what you couldn't truly say was that it wasn't interesting.
Stuff taking place before or around the time you were born means "catching up" but anything taking place now means "staying informed" and in an era where people are more political than ever, I cannot stress how dumb of an idea it is to burden people with that, and not expect them to just wait for the next Game Theory.
All these ARGs are burdens. Keep it in the past, make it so I'm "learning history" while absolutely not, instead of "keeping myself informed on modern events" because my FUCKING god do I already to a severe degree, you'll be put on the backburner FAST before I learn something, even if RolePlaying, "everyone already knew" or "everyone could've known" content.
And don't, please, don't tell me it somehow takes place in the past, I'm sorry man but security features and slightly advanced AI in the 90s is more acceptable than literally anything in Security Breach/Ruin in modern times. It's beyond cheesy, it's just lazy. And it doesn't feel intentional, it feels like Boomers are somehow inexplicably in charge of a series predominately Gen Z's perspective of the 1990s.
Idunno, Security Breach never pissed me off, it just...leaves absolutely no impression. Doesn't seem to try. Like RE1 characters left more impression than Gregory. There's more emotion in Chris absolutely alpha-ing beta ass Wesker's stupid T-Virus project than the entirety of Gregory's Dialogue. Wesker actually comes to tears dude, Gregory is the same beginning to end. None of the characters leave any impression outside of character design and voice acting, no character other than what literally everyone added to it, but the actual character is inexplicably still nothing. Like a puppet. Total AU bait material beginning to end with nothing done with it.
But I'm not infuriated or annoyed, just bored by it all. Like, man, Afton is an AI attached to haunted metal. I get it, you can go with alot, I'm WILLING, I'm just not ever given the trust to do so. No gameplay worth delving into that excuses efforts to learn the lore. Like, in Dark Souls you learn because it's put in between necessity. That's how Fnaf was half-way set up, different posters on the wall were present blatantly, for you to learn the lore, but aren't there to affect gameplay, that was fine, but when you make your game linear story based content, you lose that charm and genuine player agency to learn the lore.
How do I put this, there wasn't a linear story based gameplay to Fnaf 1-4, as dumb as that sounds, if you play these games normally, you simply do not need to know anything about the lore. The gameplay and lore were separate, this was intentional and designed that way. Security Breach HAS as Story, it IS the gameplay, it was designed intentionally combined, but I cannot stress enough how poorly it was done. Like, gameplay should be what PUSHES the story, not the other way around, because then you lose Player Agency and are just making a Playable Cutscene.
Take Half-Life, you just go where takes you forward, you don't know what is and isn't 'in-universe' designed as an actual path to take, you aren't directed explicitly by the game design, it's there, you learn it, you keep it in your mind, you speedrun it, it's Linear Gameplay rarely broken up by the Porn Story.
Fnaf never broke up for the story. But Security Breach is like HL2, you HAVE to stop every 5 god damn minutes to have pointless characters that do absolutely FUCK ALL to your gameplay tell you that what you're doing is so important and they're so important but literally whether they were there or not, you'd notice nothing different.
Fnaf was a gameplay that happened at you, and the reason was for you, the player, to discover.
I won't fault Fnaf for having books and stuff inform the story, it's interesting, it's new, it's just... not what I'm into, and the shift wasn't painful for me, I never really bothered with the games and stuff, but that was always the apparent appeal, now, Idunno man, just kinda feel like I'm keeping up with a developing story more than being informed on (fake) events of the past that we're picking pieces of for more information.
Now I'm just...kinda waiting for events to play out, and I already am with aloooooot politically. Don't get me started on real life, non-political stuff.
I'll say this, at the very least, it teaches youths to not take stuff at face value, that talking heads and false speakers exist. That people aren't always fully informed, that people aren't always inherently trying to fuck you over, everyone's just scared, trying to be as informed as the uncertain nature of life takes place.
I like that, I think it has a place, but I do mourn the loss of how just GOD damn good old Fnaf was. Truly don't think we'll return to that period of time, where anyone, you and me, can just take a guess on viewing the page source code, download images and brighten them, really just possible for anyone to put the effort in and be apart of it.
Of course, now it's normalized, what's the point really in doing something that's now going to be frontrunner people's first choice, it's like doing Binary Comments, if you're doing them, it better be because you're just wanting something approachable for anyone mostly as a joke. Otherwise it's just comical. As it should be.
I don't dislike modern Fnaf, it's not made for me, simply sad that 2014 will never exist again.
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i need to brain dump
work has made me so stressed to the point where i'm currently on week 2 of 4 of stress leave from work because i burnt completely out. i'm mostly feeling better (especially knowing that my heart is pretty much fine). i...may have had a couple of proper breakdowns tho over the past week because of like idk residual stress and overthinking. but i have enjoyed taking a break in the middle of term and like resetting. i haven't been great with keeping a routine but it's also only the second week.
but when i think about going back to work, not just teaching but work, i feel like shit. i don't want to work. i want to study. i want to do research. the only work that i feel remotely okay with the idea of is doing research. but not necessarily my own research or novel research just....helping out. doing grunt work. leaving at the end of the day and leaving my work at work. and maybe getting some wfh in there for when i feel like shit but still up for doing things. because i have been really sick (most likely) because of my stress!!! i've been getting pains and i still need to talk to my respiratory doctor about my test results but that appointment is still scheduled for october and i am going to get some other tests done and another cardiology appt this year and the idea of trying to navigate any of that whilst working even if it's at 0.8 that's still, by the nature of my fucking job, basically full time, exhausts me. like i'm tired thinking about doing any of that. like knowing that i have those appointments towards the end of the year makes me just want to throw in the towel even more. just chill out for a bit. go to my stupidly spaced out appointments.
i've never really chilled out because even semester breaks at uni or in hs were limited. i've been in school since 2000. i already went to uni for 7 years which in and of itself is...a lot but it's fine ig. but i went straight into full time teaching at the beginning of 2020 during a fucking pandemic. and i had surgery in 2021. and several people have died in my family over the past few years. like...i'm tired. but...i also feel like i'm not being intellectually stimulated enough with my work. which feels stupid bc i teach science and maths but it's all so second nature now i feel so MEH even though there's new stuff i just.....i feel like i'm done with it now. this feels like the greatest piece of evidence i could leverage about having some sort of dopamine deficiency because i think that's part of it i'm BORED and uni, whilst often stressful and frustrating, it at least presented novel challenges to me every 6 months. and i'm missing that. i'm fucking craving that feeling i miss having little projects i miss doing the thing and then moving on to a new thing. doing crafts doesn't do the same thing bc perfectionism but that's a different thing.
i guess i miss not having to doubt myself at every fucking turn, which i do at work now. i know i'm good at my job. but it's because i'm a fucking perfectionist that keeps doubting what they're doing at every fucking step and i don't trust myself to do anything right so i'm constantly re-doing things all the fucking time. and you'd think being a teacher would present novel opportunities all the time. and yeah! but also! the fucking amount of decision fatigue!!! makes everything worse all the time!! i just want to do my projects and learn new things and have things change in a predictable way every 6 months. i'm so tired man. i cannot emphasise enough how much i feel in my entire fucking being the need i have to do research. fuck man.
#personal#i feel a little better#i just BLEH#maybe i do quit and do some study and idk work in a bookstore next year
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Woke up so slumped today. Upset about yesterday. I hate being the bigger person. I know I just need to accept the reality of the situation. Still doesnt stop me feeling shitty tho. God and then waking up and seeing I missed marking off my dailys AGAIN when he said I had a final chance to get it done.. Driving into work was miserable. Got in so late too. Didnt get any time to sort out the flat last night for the girls coming over today, so I just did what I could. Fucking hell I’m just so sad. I’m sick of the screaming in my head, the dialogue that isnt mine. I had every chance to tell him yesterday, but I just couldnt. I didnt even tell my therapist. Idk if I’m more worried about being called an idiot again and it being dismissed or actually receiving a large level of concern. But how do you even tell someone that, how do you word the level of derealization without coming across as utterly delusional ? He thinks he just talks at me and I just sit there but I’ve got constant commentary going on as he speaks, he wants me to reply but I can’t. Not with my own words. Idek what my own words are. How do I decifier whats mine and whats not when they sound like me, when I believe their words are my thoughts. Even right now, is this even me? Or is this the script theyve given me ? I just feel so tormented. I dont want to be here rn, I want to go home. I dont give a shit about this job, I dont even wanna socialise and host my friends later. I want some peace. He has no idea how much I’m looking forward to next saturday. Literally what is keeping me going. I really wanna book El Row for Nov, but after that convo last night, like that’ll ever happen. I don’t want to resent him. But him saying me being upset and safe is better than him being stressed, just no. I dont agree. I have to keep burying my emotions coz damn they come in huge waves. I’m so close to just blowing up. And I dont want him in the cross fire of that. God my head, theres just so much, I dont even know what to think. I just know I feel like shit. I’m gonna waste away the day wishing it was over. Thinking of stuff I shouldnt. Put on a fake mask for the evening then go to bed and repeat. It’s all so tedious. I find it so funny that I would boil the kettle to try and be smart and sterilise it but like?? So you be smart in that regard but not the other. Lets hurt myself but do it safely. The irony. God I just wanna hurt, on the outside. I wish I couldve stayed home for him to punish me. I loved it when Malu was hitting me over and over at kick boxing. I loved being told to keep sparring when it hurt. When I stopped he added on extra and told me to do it all again. I want that rn. I can starve myself, I can go down rabbit holes, I can think shitty thoughts, I can even drink to excess tonight, but its never enough. I need some real damage. It’s the only thing that numbs the rest of it. The healthy way doesnt stop it, it just hits pause and then all of a sudden it all floods back in. God he’d think I’m being so stupid rn. That I’m being like every other “woman” bringing in all this other shit when I’m upset. But thats the thing, I dont bring it in, its always, always fucking there. How do I tell someone I’m in constant pain. Constant torment. That I have no idea if what I’m feeling is real or not. If what I think is real. Sometimes I wonder why I have all this shit going on, is it them tormenting me ? Am I just weak and cannot process and deal with stuff ? Am I just suppressing who I really am and its just such a shitty person I dont wanna accept that ? fuck knows. Like the whole festival thing is just surface level. There’s so much to it that I dont even know how to express. The RELIEF I felt when he said we’d aim to go before we’re 27. That’s all I wanted. I have these next two years. And I’m gonna be in decline for them. I don’t want to be. But idk how to get help.
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