#and this is how i'm going to cope w that knowledge
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fitting in — stsg x fem!reader
synopsis : gojo satoru is overbearing, no matter. you’ll learn to endure
includes / cw : gojo is kind of mean
all mine masterlist
a / n : chapter twoooooo!!!!! nothing much else to say other than i’m not rlly satisfied w my writing… i’ll cope.
You were introduced to your dorm. Yaga informed you that you'd be able to take a day or two off to get to know the place before you started classes. You didn't bring much with you, honestly. Other than any outfit you could fit into your suitcase and some necessities. Everything else was left behind at home in your moments of panic.
It did not bother you much with your families lack of financial stability. You are not allowed much of the little things. But you hoped you could at least try and attempt to make this the room of your dreams.
So for now, a small picture of you after losing a tooth — seven years old — with you in your smiling mother's arms, would be the only decor.
But now that you were settled, you were kind of stuck. You were unsure whether or not to escape your room and mingle or sit here in silence. As tempting as the thought of making friends out of the three other classmates you had was, you remembered how students at your previous school treated you and got cold feet.
You were always socially inept due to the constant distance from others that people and your mother forced upon you.
It's not others fault that they didn't like you, you thought. Maybe it was because you didn't offer to help with their studies, or maybe it's because you always got so scared to try and connect with others that they got the wrong idea.
No matter.
Here, hopefully, you could start anew.
For now, you need to do research. Still, to this day, your mother's words ring through your head.
"Teaching you is such a hassle," she brushed it off as a joke as she kissed your head, but you knew better. Because you could still spot the frustration in her expression. She must've been in a good mood that day, for she didn't blow a fuse.
But you didn't want to make anyone else feel the way you made your mother feel. You didn't want them carrying your weight. So to prevent that, you'll make sure that by the time you start classes, you'd be more than knowledgeable with jujutsu sorcery. And classes were tomorrow so you wanted to start as soon as possible.
A library...
You'd have to leave the room to find that. You became nervous all over again. The possibility of running into someone was unknown, you still didn't want to risk it. To soothe yourself you tapped your knuckle against your mother's face in the photograph. Thinking of her calmed you. If you thought of it as becoming a better person to help her, you could conquer the world if you wanted to.
You wiped the imaginary dust off her glassed face with your thumb before you turned towards the door, a new determination in your veins.
You slid your door open quietly as to not make any noise and alert anyone else. Your mother hated when you got loud. as you were ready to tiptoe around the school, a familiar girl blocked your path as she stood in front of you.
You yelped in surprise, jumping back. You didn't expect her appearance.
"Ogawa [Name], correct?" It was the girl, the model girl. One of your classmates, the only other girl. Even her voice was gorgeous.
"Yes..." You whispered, a finger hovering over your parted lips as you stared.
"I'm Ieiri, Shoko Ieiri. call me Shoko."
Your voice practically shook with awe, "Shoko. I'm Ogawa [Name]..." Before you could fix your slip-up, Shoko looked at you, subtly bewildered, before her lips stretched into a small smile.
"I know." She motioned her head to the side, "Follow me."
It didn't take you much to heed her command. instead of having to go to them, one of them came to you. The idea of her wanting to be your friend made you eager, but you didn't want to get too ahead of yourself. Maybe she was just being courteous.
You walked besides her, falling a bit behind. Even though you knew there weren't many people at Jujutsu Tech, you didn't like the idea of someone catching you walking besides her. People never took to you walking side by side with them, afraid of the accusations of being acquainted with you. as if it was a bad thing. And maybe Shoko would think the same.
You don't think you'd mind. You were always used to being the shadow anyways. So it was okay with you. you were surprised she approached you. That was enough for you. Even if it was simply to be nice it didn't matter, it made you happy either way.
Shoko was such a nice girl.
Shoko turned her head slightly towards you, noticing how you lagged behind. She raised a brow, questioning, yet turned around and continued walking. But you noticed her pace was a bit slower.
The walk was silent, and you weren't sure how she'd take to you sparking a conversation. So you stayed silent and continued to follow her until you both stopped at a vending machine. She inserted coins before looking at you.
"What's your pick? It's on me." You don't think you'd ever get over her smile — as small as it was. You could tell by the stretch of her lips that she probably didn't smile that often. You think she should. She looks beautiful when she does.
"Are you sure? You don't need to do that! I can pay!" You couldn't, but you'd make another excuse. You were good at that (you weren't).
Shoko was already nice enough to accompany you, walk with you, and even talk with you. You couldn't let her buy you a drink, you just couldn't!
Her eyes crinkled and her smile turned somber, as if she understood you a little bit, "I insist."
Your face contorted, your lips downturned as your eyebrows knitted. You hesitated, and then you spoke.
"A strawberry soda is just fine." You fidget with your fingers.
She hums and clicks the corresponding button. You both watch as it tumbles down to the bottom. She bends to grab it before holding it out for you.
"Might wanna wait a bit, could explode on you."
"I promise to pay you back," you whisper, content.
You take it, savoring the coldness of it against your palms. Your mother was strict with what you ate in the house, especially since you guys weren't all that well off. So sodas were a luxury in your home. You couldn't help but let your eyes glitterm your face softening as you gaze happily at the soft drink.
Shoko notices, watching your face change as she sips on her drink. You're extremely odd. She thought that when you first entered the classroom and she still thinks that now.
You're quiet, eager, yet also cautious. You act as if you're stepping on eggshells in the presence of anyone. It irritates her a little, and she thinks she knows why.
She brushes away the seed of pity in her stomach at the way you gaze so happily at a cheap drink before she's calling your name. "Come sit."
Shoko walks to the bench beside the machine, patting the empty spot next to her.
You're perplexed once more. Now she was inviting you to sit by her. You didn't know what to think at this point. You were prepared for her to brush you away with a brief comment of paying her back.
But, not wanting to protest such a kind offer — or demand — you plop down besides her, making sure to put some distance. She sees, yet makes no comment.
You fidget with your soda as you stare down at your lap. The silence isn't uncomfortable by any means, but you're anticipating a conversation. With the invitation you expected her to say something first. but maybe that was asking for too much. You should say something first...
"So.." she turns to you as you look up, making immediate eye contact. You instantly avert your eyes, even more nervous than before. "Are you the only ones who attend this school?"
"Nah. There's the first year and Utahime in the third."
You wonder who utahime is, that must be another girl. You hope you can get along with her. You pop the cap of your drink, bringing it to your lips.
"That doesn't seem to be a lot," you're looking at her now, but she faces forward, sipping her drink.
"Of course it's not. You don't usually attend a school with only seven students. But there's the Kyoto branch as well. They probably have more students, I wouldn't know. I don't care to keep count."
"The Kyoto branch.."
"You honestly should've gone there, it's so much closer to your home. But Yaga is the one who found you so... lucky us." She turns to you with that already familiar soft smile, and you think her words are genuine.
Before you can reply, two pairs of footsteps approach your direction. You can hear their chatter and their voices are familiar.
You look up to meet the gazes of your two other classmates. The black haired boy's expression is more laid-back. He has a small smile on his face — you can see his slight dimples. He waves at you.
Whereas the white haired boy's face is blank, he's staring, but you can't tell what he's thinking. Those black glasses obscure any hint you can get as to what's on his mind. Seeing them eye you so openly makes you nervous. You use one hand to play with the hem of your skirt, your eyes dropping to your nails.
Shoko sighs at Gojo's lack of politeness.
"Of course you come to bother me and my new friend before the day starts," she rolls her eyes and you think she's being sarcastic. But you don't care to find out as you mull over her words, staring at her side profile. My new friend. Did she mean that? You really hoped she did, because you didn't know what else to do with the immense joy in your chest.
She meets your eyes, smiling.
"I'm gonna go for a smoke, alright? Watch them for me," she requests, as if they're babies that need to be sat. You panic at the idea of being with them alone and you think she can tell.
She tries to assure you, "I'll be back before you know it."
She's walking off with a wave, leaving you alone in an awkward silence with the other two. Or you think it's awkward — well it is for you anyways. Maybe you should've asked to go along with her. Even though you hated the smell of cigarettes you would manage if it meant not being stuck here..
Well technically, you're not stuck. But you're also too afraid to leave. They'd probably see that as rude. You merely sip at your drink, trying to appear nonchalant.
You look up at the sound of shoes clicking against the tiles, meeting the eyes of the guy with the soft eyes and odd bangs. He looks kind, he smiles at you and your tense shoulders relax a bit. It seems that's what his goal was, for his smile gets a little wider.
His friend inserts money into the vending machine, ignoring the both of you as the kind boy sits beside you.
"I'm Geto Suguru." His voice is soft yet deep, it resonates with you. You think you can fall asleep to the sound of him.
"Ogawa [Name]..." You try your best to maintain eye contact. It's hard.
"I know. You introduced yourself yesterday," he's smiling.
You don't know whether or not to be embarrassed of your second slip up of the day. So you settle for drinking more of your soda, staring at your shoes, finding a small comfort in the familiar marks that you've become accustomed to over the last couple years.
"When do you start class? I didn't see you today."
"Uhm, tomorrow I think. I'm just getting used to the layout today... or that's what I was told." It's so apparent that you're anxious, with the way that you fidget with your clothes and shuffle your feet. It's so embarrassing you might tear up, but it's all you can do. You really can't stay still.
Geto opens his mouth most likely to try and comfort you and get you comfortable with his presence. But before he can, Shoko calls out to him.
"Geto! I need a light!"
Your eyes trail up from your shoes to his face and you can see him sigh in exasperation. He opens his eyes, meets your gaze, and smiles sheepishly.
"I'll be right back."
As he gets up you realize who exactly you're being left with. Well, you don't really know. But what you do know is that his presence is unsettling, it's suffocating. You don't even have to be alone with him to feel that way.
You almost reach out and ask for Geto to stay, you're not exactly used to him, but he seems much kinder than his counterpart.
But it's silent once more and your eyes are right back to looking at your shoes. You finish off your drink and quietly as you can, drop it into the trash can next to you.
You're sweating, you're sure you are. But you don't make a move to wipe your forehead. You're not sure what to do. you're not used to conversing and mingling with other people. As little as three people is, it's still overwhelming for you.
But how can you excel in this school if you don't interact with others?
That question still doesn't push you, but you reminisce. You think of your sleeping mother, going back home, and you finally open your mouth.
"What's your name?"
Gojo blinks.
"You don't know who I am?" He asks, tone nowhere near condescending, it's genuinely curious, surprised. But you can't tell and feel a little humiliated.
"Oh. I'm so sorry, am I supposed to?" You're sweating once again, shuffling your feet as you speak up in a squeaky voice.
Every jujutsu sorcerer is aware of the existence of Gojo Satoru, the boy who altered the balance of the world on the day of his birth. But it wasn't like this didn't happen sometimes, so he brushed it off.
"Well," he opens his mouth but closes it, "No, it's whatever. I'm Gojo Satoru." He's looking into your eyes now, but due to the obstruction of his glasses, you can't tell. So you don't notice that he's eyeing you expectantly, waiting for realization to dawn on you.
It doesn't.
"What a pretty name. It fits you," you speak with kindness, trying your best to smile softly. You fail. It looks like a grimace. Gojo is close to laughing.
"So you really don't know who I am?"
Gojo was convinced that telling you his name, you'd know. People's jaws would usually drop, as they realized just who they were talking to. But you just sat there, clueless, as you moved your feet around with an empty confused look on your face.
"I'm sorry for repeating myself. But am I supposed to know? I'm new to this jujutsu stuff, honestly. So if you're a renowned sorcerer, I unfortunately wasn't aware until now." Seeing no reaction from him, your head drops a bit. "Sorry," you mutter under your breath, afraid.
You were so used to the reaction your mother gave you when you weren't all knowing. Angry, loud, and condescending. And with your only mother being the most present in your life, was it safe to assume Gojo would react the same way? If so, you were prepared, and maybe you deserved it. You weren't smart when it came to jujutsu after all.
"That makes sense," he says.
It's silent as you wait for him to add on. Which he doesn't. so he just sips on his extremely sweet drink as you stare at him, blinking.
He meets your gaze full force, seeing it as competition, neither of you looking away.
"I-is that it?" You tilt your head confusedly.
He blinks alongside you.
"Was there meant to be more?"
Now you're really confused. But you don't want to be painted as weird, so you try and let it go.
"No, nevermind."
It's silent again, for the third time. But it's not as uncomfortable as it was before. You get the idea that Gojo doesn't take to you. That' okay, Shoko being your acquaintance is enough to get you through this year. Plus, Geto seemed polite enough. Maybe not enough for you two to be close, but enough for you not to be so awkward around him.
Shoko's familiar voice bleeds into your senses and you look up to see her and Geto walking side by side.
"So, Ogawa. What do you want to do today? Since it's your free day." She sits beside you once more, with her here you can feel more relaxed. You didn't realize how tense your body was.
"Oh, I was just hoping to go to the library."
"Who does that in their free time?" Gojo snickers, crushing the can of his drink into a tiny ball. You're in awe at the raw power.
Shoko shushes him, "Cool. What for?"
"Nothing much. Just studying, really. Since I'm new to jujutsu and all."
"Yeah, that makes sense. You don't know your technique either, right?" Geto's voice pipes up, his finger is rubbing his chin as he questions you.
You shake your head 'no' in response.
"I can take you there if you'd like. If you don't know the way, that is." Geto smiles, putting his hands in his pockets.
You look at Shoko for some type of approval, she merely shrugs. It's not like you needed permission to go, you were just unsure.
But you look up at geto and answer quietly, "That'd be nice."
"You know I haven't made a trip there in awhile, maybe I'll find a new book-"
Before Gojo can speak any further, Shoko pulls him down by his blazer to sit. "You barely read, hotshot. Keep me company."
Shoko didn't really want to be alone with him, but she was aware you weren't exactly comfortable in his presence. That topped with Geto would surely make you anxious.
You turn to meet Shoko's eyes and she waves at you. You raise your hand a bit, waving back, before you turn forward and trek off with Geto.
Gojo crosses his arms, huffing as he watches you both disappear around the corner.
"Don't be intimidated by him," Geto speaks up once you're both out of earshot. You tilt your head to look at him. "He's not all that scary once you get to know him."
You're silent, not sure what to say. You tap your lip with your index finger, thinking of Gojo. You remember the knit of his brows when the fact that you didn't know him left your lips.
"I think he's upset with me."
Geto looks at you. "Why do you think that?"
"I didn't know who he was. I mean, I still don't know. But I think he was upset? I couldn't really tell. I guess I just kind of assumed," you say, sheepish.
Geto chuckles, and you're enamored. He seems so bright, you've only known him for a little while, but he's always smiling. You wonder what other faces he can make.
"That's new. He's from the acclaimed Gojo clan, so he's usually drowned in praise. He was probably surprised that you were clueless." Geto finishes with a mutter of how he wished he could've seen it go down.
"The Gojo clan?"
Geto eyes you up and down, as if surveying you. "You really don't know much do you?"
You shrink in on yourself. His voice didn't sound insulting, but you still felt a bit targeted.
He backtracks, "I didn't mean it like that, I promise. I'm just shocked. I've never met someone with the desire to be a jujutsu sorcerer so in the dark."
"But anyways," he speaks up once more, "There's three big families, Gojo being one of them if not the most prominent. They're known for their cursed techniques. Gojo being the limitless and six eyes."
You're still confused, but you think you somewhat understand. "What're the other two families?"
"Zenin and Kamo's. Oh, we're here," he says. You both arrive at the library, it's nothing much but it'll be perfect to study in. The size of it isn't all that big, more than a few chairs to sit in — those look pretty cozy. There's also ambient lit lamps sitting on each of the tables, it casts a warm glow in the room that could make anyone feel comfortable.
"There's no librarian. since not too many people know about jujutsu. So just take whatever, whenever."
You nod, your eyes surveying the shelves.
"Where should I start?"
"Well I suggest you go to that section, so you can learn what cursed energy is, cursed techniques, and how they work."
You nod, "Thank you for bringing me here, Geto."
He smiles at you, eyes crinkling as the hollow of his dimples show on his cheeks. This smile is genuine — all of them are — but there's a gentler, happier feel to this one. You stare for a little while before he finally bids you goodbye.
"Good luck, please let me know if you need help." You say yes, even though you most likely won't go to him. You'd be wasting his time, you're sure.
You planned on being there as long as possible. Of course, you were gonna get in enough sleep. But you need to learn as much as possible before tomorrow mornings class. Plus, not only would you study, you could also think of what to gift Geto and Shoko to repay their kindness.
You beamed thinking about it. You wondered how Shoko would react. If she would adorn that small smile. If Geto's eyes would crinkle again like they did today as his dimples came to light.
You hoped so, their happy expressions were their prettiest. You haven't seen much else from them but you're positive they look better when they're smiling.
You grab a couple of books and make your way to a table. As you open a book about the Gojo clan you think of Gojo. Should you get him anything? Even though he wasn't as kind as Shoko or Geto, you'd feel bad if you left him out.
But you think of his blank expression. How he stared at you as if he was peeling your entire being apart layer by layer and get shifty all over again. You weren't sure so you decide to push that subject to the back of your mind for later.
taglist : @okayiamkassandra
#gojo satoru#gojo satoru x reader#gojo x reader#jjk#jjk x reader#jujutsu kaisen#jujutsu kaisen x reader#satoru gojo#satoru gojo x reader#stsg.am#🫐.jjk#geto suguru#suguru getou x reader#geto suguru x reader#suguru geto#getou x reader#geto x reader#suguru geto x reader
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How This Connection Feels You vs Them👥🔗♡
(Pick a card/Tarot love reading)
Hii beautiful souls, it's Lunadream. In this reading we will discover how this connection feels for you vs your person.
hope you find your message♡🌠
Notice: Only take what resonates because the most important thing is your own judgement!♡ If anything doesn't resonate, don't worry! It's not your message right now <3
(Entertainment purpose only. All rights reserved)
Now, shall we begin~? ^w^
Think of the your person, and pick whichever pile that fits the energy you're feeling~🖤
Pile 1👥
Pile 2👟
Pile 3🛹
Pile 4🔊
Take your time and choose carefully with the heart~♡
On to the readings —> 💤
Pile 1👥
Sign energy: Mirror, Crave, Bottom, Cope, Turn on, Capricorn, Uranus, 6th house, North node, 9th house,
🤎🙏🦁🤷♀️
💭How this connection feels to you: Alright I'm getting some earthy vibes for you guys~ Capricorn, Aquarius, Virgo, and Sagittarius energies, Leo is present aswell and some of you could have Leo in 6th house so Pisces rising possibly. You are focused on the future of this connection, and you want to ensure a solid foundation to keep it growing and continuing. You need freedom this connection in order for your love to expand within it, but you may often feel low priority due to being less involved with your person. Some of my pile 1's are holding on to this connection despite the lack of care from their person.🥺 For most of my pile 1's I'm sensing your person appears more like the dominant one in the connection to you. I feel that you crave knowledge on this connection and want to know everything you can on where it's headed.🔮 I think you have a very carefree approach to this relationship but after a while you started to worry if you aren't engaging enough, and you may feel very insignificant in your person's life. Some of you are praying that you won't be forgotten in this connection, but you are uncertain of what's to come of it. To you, this person seems like a reflection of yourself in some ways especially when it comes to ambitions and goals for the future. I feel you want to experience many things in this connection but you may feel unable to do so.😔
🗨How this connection feels to them: Reflect, Price, Swim, Beauty & the beast, Adorable, Virgo, 5th house, 3rd house, Vertex, Water, 😁💡🏃♂️🍎
Okay so for your person's side of this connection, things are going much smoother in their eyes. I'm hearing "things are going swimmingly" Hahah I think they feel positive about where things are going with you guys😂😂 Omg they see you as a reflection of themselves too!!😊 They think you project yourself in a very cute way in the relationship, you could act in a way thay pleases them and they find that very adorable💗 They see beauty in your creativity and hobbies, especially your ideas. From their perspective, communicating with you is the hardest part in this connection, they may feel like they don't know enough about you. For some of you this person's mind is running in circles just trying to wrap their head around this connection with you😂🤣 I think they see things as fun and light energy with you, like a stream of water following it's current. They feel thay everything will just flow as they need to with you.🏞🖤
✉Messages from your person: You went too far, I want your lips on mine, It's immature, You need time, I wish I could read your mind, I can't stop looking at you, Imagine us together, I'll make it up to you (Aww so sweet🥺😔🙏)
Extra cards: Greed, Facial expression, Distance, Practical, Self sabotage, Virgo, 12th house, Moon, Gemini, Pluto (Omg they know there's physical distance between you two rn but they can't stop thinking of you day after day😫💙🖤)
Thank you my pile 1's! If you feel this resonated, you may tap the heart to claim this message!🌠
I hope you enjoyed your reading! ʚ(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )ɞ If you did be sure to let me know pile 1 with the shadow couple emoji~👥 Thanks for scrolling through, Hugs hugs hugs!! See you in the next reading🖤
Pile 2👟
Sign energy: Unheard, Careless, Explosion, Short, Audience, Juno, Virgo, 10th house, Jupiter, 9th house, 🍷🧊💄👿
💭How this connection feels to you: Ohh you guys have a very mature vibe in this connection, I'm getting hot vibes for sure🙈🖤 You may be short in height or your person makes you feel short LOL, you may not take much care of yourself or indulge in things that aren't necessarily good for you (binges, drinking, partying, ect.😈) You like the wild side of life, and this connection feels carefree and fun at the time and it's exactly the type of connection you seek for a long term commitment aswell (but I don't see most of my pile 2's wanting a committed relationship all that much💍🚫). Virgo, Capricorn and Sagittarius placements, Pisces energy too. You feel a little overlooked in this connection... you may feel left out by your person and it makes you angry if you aren't thought of or considered often. You enjoy the passionate and exciting side of this connection but sometimes you aren't getting that exactly the way you want.😥 You hate being put on the side of this relationship for other things, you may feel your person has to much power over you especially over your mind. You also feel like your person doesn't know you well enough, and sometimes you feel insecure and unheard.💬💔 I feel some of my pile 2's have many options and don't need this connection as badly as others do. Also I think one of the biggest reasons you want this connection with your person is to satisfy your deeper needs and have a good time🖤
🗨How this connection feels to them: Truth, 9th house, Dive, Era, Salty, Sagittarius, Libra, Juno, 5th house, North node, 🧬🙅♀️🧸🛩
Ooh okay we have some Sagittarius energy for your person too!! You guys have similarities, Libra and Leo energy too. This connection feels nice and pleasant to them, but they may feel like they aren't being told the truth about things between you. My pile 2's may not be honest about things they know, I'm hearing withdrawing knowledge. Omg pile 2 might know this person is the one but they haven't let them know they felt this way yet!!💞 I think they have a desire to go places with you, they also wanna have fun and let loose around you. The future of this connection feels very spontaneous for your person, they don't know what to expect but they like it that way.🚀🔥 I think romantically speaking your person doesn't know much about your wants and needs in a relationship, and they have no clue what you wanna do with this one😂 As far as your person is concerned, you just wanna keep things casual and not take it too seriously tbh. They feel like taking a leap of in this connection with you and just seeing where it goes, and where this journey takes you both. I don't think they are scared of rejection from my pile 2's, they would probably be very understanding of it. They are chill with whatever you decide to do with this connection and they just wanna explore all the possibilities with you <3
✉Messages from your person: If I had you, We can try, What's wrong? Give me more, I know all of your secrets, You aren't on my level, Meet me in secret, I think you're a great person (You guys are such a ray of sunshine together☀️)
Extra cards: Online, Close, Social media, Beloved, Ex lover, 9th house, South node, Leo, Fire, Venus (They wanna keep you close and stay in touch, omg🥺💕)
Thank you my pile 2's! If you feel this resonated, you may tap the heart to claim this message!🌠
I hope you enjoyed your reading! ʚ(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )ɞ If you did be sure to let me know pile 2 with the grey emoji~👟 Thanks for scrolling through, Hugs hugs hugs!! See you in the next reading🖤
Pile 3🛹
Sign energy: Hips, Secret admirer, Sidetracked, Restaurant, Change, Pluto, Scorpio, Lilith, Pisces, 10th house,
♉🌏🗡💛
💭How this connection feels to you: Omg you guys have such a trendy vibe so dark and mysterious😎🖤 I'm sensing shadow energy within this pile, Scorpio, Pisces, Capricorn, Taurus placements. You view this connection as something deep and emotional, but also beautiful even in all it's darkest parts. To you this connection is always changing and growing to an depths hard to describe, the relationship between you and your person is so powerful and spiritually awakening.🦋🕯 It focuses on your darkest fantasies and aspects about yourself you keep hidden/unknown. You take this connection very seriously, and this could be a secret connection or one you don't let others see. Patience may be killing you in this connection, as you expect change and transformation with your person but you can't keep the waters from crashing onto shore.🌊⛈ You are so used to this connection being a bit chaotic and unpredictable but there is a need for this to be a more still and stable connection. You fantasize about your person a lot and their hips are very attractive to you, also this connection tends to be a distraction from more important matters in your life. This is an all consuming emotional experience for you in this connection.🖤
🗨How this connection feels to them: Eros, Rose, 5th house, College, Admiration, 1st house, 6th house, Aries, Water, 10th house, 🤙🕷🧤☸
So for my pile 3's person, they are seeing things through rose colored lenses I'm hearing, I don't think they tend to fantasize often but rather assume things are better than they are first thing. Your person may have Leo, Aries, Virgo or Capricorn Capricorn placements, They have a very strong energy. I think they jump into things very quickly including this connection, perhaps they didn't think too much of it when they wanted a relationship of some kind with you. This person does admire this connection and it inspires them, could be in creative pursuits or how they present themselves that this connection improves or effects in some way. My pile 3's have a very charismatic person☺💫 They don't get tense or stressed out often, usually laid back and enjoying themselves. At the beginning of this connection, there could have been a love at first sight kind of thing😍 Pretty sure they thought you were hot the second they saw you🔥❤🙈 They may have been overly ambitious with you in the beginning, and tried everything they could to win you over especially by impressing you like by getting a degree fast or showing off their talents/knowledge💪 Lol this person is so tryhard when it comes to this connection, and I'm hearing "your body is like a rose" maybe they think that of you🌹💗💕
✉Messages from your person: You deserve me, You don't have a choice, Ugh, I get lost in your eyes, You better know, I tell my friends about you, We could totally make it, Just listen to me (Ahhh my pile 3's your person really feels this connection with you🥰😍💋)
Extra cards: Know, Lean, Sugar, Tears, Frozen, Aquarius, Taurus, Libra, 9th house, Fire
Thank you my pile 3's! If you feel this resonated, you may tap the heart to claim this message!🌠
I hope you enjoyed your reading! ʚ(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )ɞ If you did be sure to let me know pile 3 with the skateboard emoji~🛹 Thanks for scrolling through, Hugs hugs hugs!! See you in the next reading🖤
Pile 4🔊
Sign energy: Big, Marriage, Distance, Wedding, Surface, 3rd house, Mercury, Sagittarius, 2nd house, 11th house,
🦚🌏💢♌
💭How this connection feels to you: So for my pile 4's signs are Gemini, Virgo, Sagittarius, Taurus, Aquarius, and Leo <3 Yoy may have Sagittarius in 2nd house or Mercury in 3rd.😇 You have a very loving and devoted outlook on this connection with your person, many of you wish to marry them.💍💝 Your person could be a Leo or you desire those traits in them. But there is distance for you in this connection my pile 4's :< I think you feel your person isn't on the same page as you, and they are more focused on themselves. My pile 4's are so in love and devoted to this person but there is a sense of rejection, there could be physical distance between you two or possibly on different sides of the planet.✈ This could be someone from a foreign country, I feel you communicate mostly through social media/online contact. You personally see a solid foundation for a long term partner in this connection but you aren't sure they see from your perspective.💔😓 You have a big investment in this relationship and my pile 4's your dedication is just so sweet!!😭
🗨How this connection feels to them: Foreign, Secret, Mad, Romance, Cold, Leo, Sagittarius, Pisces, Capricorn, Aquarius, 🌻🎪😈🌡
Ahh this is definitely someone foreign to you in some way, they could be living in a different country rn. But currently they have some hidden fantasies in this connection, omg like dark ones too🤯🙊 This is a bit of a hot romantic connection for them it makes them crazy with desire and passion😣🥵 But all that aside they feel you are a little distant from them, they low key want more attention and contact from you. They feel as if things have gone cold recently and the flame has burnt out.😞🌬🕯It's as if you don't feel as much as you used to at least to them, this could be because of how far apart you guys are in this connection. This does feel a little like something to hide for them, it could be because of their hidden fantasies and motives. I'm hearing it drives them mad omg they really have so much intense desire for this pile🔥 They want to be your sun and shine brightly for you, It's like the passion is there but then it isn't. They do feel strongly that the romance between you two has become more mundane or not expressive enough. They wish to feel your true passion and devotion, they wanna see the spark in your eyes and the excitement for a mysterious and unpredictable love affair🌹💐💋
✉Messages from your person: I only listen to you, Think highly of yourself, I try harder for you, We finally meet, It's not your fault, We're in trouble, I want to be your ex, You need to know (Omg they want the passion and romance to rise until it crashes and burns for you my pile 4's🥰)
Extra cards: Up, Sagittarius, Cinderella, Boundaries, Rumor, Jupiter, Air, Sun, Taurus, 4th house (Wait patiently my pile 4's because your person wants to explore all the possibilities in this connection, you very well may be the one for them♡)
Thank you my pile 4's! If you feel this resonated, you may tap the heart to claim this message!🌠
I hope you enjoyed your reading! ʚ(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )ɞ If you did be sure to let me know pile 4 with the speaker emoji~🔊 Thanks for scrolling through, Hugs hugs hugs!! See you in the next reading🖤
Wanna see more readings like this? Check out my tumblr for accurate readings for you!💗🌊🌸
Thanks for reading! \(*^w^)/💌
-Lunadream <3
#tarot pick a card#love reading#daily tarot#pick a pile#free tarot#pac reading#pick a photo#love tarot reading#astrology reading#tarot#tarot pac#pac tarot#love pac#relationship reading#tarot readings#astrology readings#tarot reading#pick a card reading#pick a picture#pick a card#tarot love#tarotcommunity#tarotblr#divination#pac
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Harry Du Bois, the skills + DID/OSDD coding
a compilation of most of my thoughts on harry as a system (note: i am system im not just like. pulling stuff out my ass)
1. Structural Dissociation Theory crash course
so for this point i'm going to give you a crash course structural dissociation theory (do not use me as a source for ur knowledge on it this is very like. base level and just to establish context)
structural dissociation states that we all start as multiple different facets, and that as we grow up, these facets all fuse into a cohesive personality. however, in DID/OSDD, ongoing trauma proves it safer to NOT fuse these facets and instead develop dissociative and amnestic barriers between them to varying degrees. these facets cope by developing into individual personalities, and if traumatic events persist, the brain may split more personalities to try and cope with this. this gives us two bits of information that i'm going to use throughout this
1. there is no "original", just alters that host for long periods of time and/or identify with the body the most
2. amnestic & dissociative barriers are fluid. in times of rest, these barriers may start to come down between some alters, but not necessarily all.
**NOTE: these are not hard and fast rules and vary from system to system. it's also vastly different if you have Polyfrag DID or Complex DID. since I don't hc Harry as polyfrag or complex tho, i'm not gonna get into that
2. Harry (the system)
so it's pretty easy to establish that harry has a good handful of childhood trauma. being born in a military hospital + town and growing up there means he probably saw and/or heard a lot of death and sickness. we also know his father left based on the logic passive in the measurehead conversation
we also know from the reaction speed passive when you find out your name that harry was born in a time all these were concerns. most likely, hunger, considering how through the game hunger + eating is an undertone w/ harry
we also have the klaasje half-light passive implying that harry's been raped (might not have occurred during childhood, but still a contributing factor to trauma)
my point being bro has enough childhood trauma and then some to create a system.
we also see a LOT of amnestic barriers between harry and the rest of the skills. besides the obvious not remembering anything, we see the skills remembering things that harry doesn't.
for example, EChem remembers that harry took speed some point recently, while harry himself doesn't
we also see that the skills have distinct personalities and opinions separate from each other. shit we've got a communist (rhetoric) and a fascist (endurance) living in the same fucking body. half light is immediately suspicious of everyone and everything while empathy tries to understand everyone even to their own detriment. and volition and echem need a whole post of their own. thats some pretty strong dissociative barriers
3. Harry (the alter)
to be quite honest with you i think harry as we, the audience, know him is a brand new split, an introject* of an old host that has either fused with another alter or gone dormant. he's trying to fill a different harry du bois's shoes- someone he is fundamentally similar to, but is, at his core, not
*Definition from did-research.org: Introjects are alters that are based off of an outside person or figure. Introjects may or may not see themselves as the individual that they represent.
knowing nothing about yourself, even what you look like, is a common feeling for new splits (in our experience). with the high amnestic barriers separating harry from the rest of the system, it makes sense that the first time he is conscious he is totally lost about his own identity, where he lives, or what his occupation even is.
losing facts about basic reality is probably a dissociative response. things the brain knows (see encyclopedia filling in gaps once given a prompt about something like Fillipe the Conquerer) but doesn't want the new host to know for fear of not being able to function.
4. Certain Alters with Functions
some of the skills fall into alter "archetypes" (not all alters will, even in like. real life systems) and im just gonna list them out here:
ones with subtextual backing:
Volition: Caretaker + Apparent Normal Part
Half-Light: trauma holder
Electro-Chemistry: symptom + trauma holder
Authority: protector
Logic: apparent normal part
ones that are just my headcanons:
Interfacing: little
Endurance: ex-persecutor
Inland Empire: ex-caretaker
here ends my post of articulate thoughts, if u have any like. follow up questions feel free to shoot me an ask. might take me a minute tho
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One Day At A Time (Part 3/?)
Jake Seresin x Reader
A/N: More angst, ngl I was listening to Daylight by David Kushner when writing so this got away from me a bit wasn't expecting it to get this dark...
T/W: Anxiety, panic disorder, grief, PTSD, gun violence, torture, murder, prisoner of war, war crimes
Summary: Hangman's POW fiancée attempts a prison break; Javy talks Jake into doing something he doesn't want to do.
Masterlist
Jake POV -
Coyote can talk anyone into anything.
He's somehow convinced everyone to book the day after the mission off work to go to your place, not wanting his best friend to spend another one of your birthdays isolating himself.
Jake pulls up into the driveway and grabs the barbecue supplies from the back of the car before dumping them on the side in the kitchen.
"Wow, when we said let's go to Hangman's I wasn't expecting this." Rooster says entering the house with Phoenix, Bob and Fanboy in tow. All of them blatantly ignore Jake's tear-stained face and glance around in awe at the house.
"I'm not being funny but how on earth have you financed this?" Phoenix questions making Jake laugh. He cannot express the relief that her teasing makes him feel after a morning full of unease.
"Phoenix you cannot ask that!" Rooster gasps giving her a horrified look.
"This place was unbelievably gross when we bought it, It literally makes my skin crawl thinking about our first viewing... It was up for sale so cheap I knew there must've been a reason, other than it being close to base." Jake smiles, "there's no way in hell I would've bought this without Y/N walking around declaring what we should do to it." He elaborates, not having the vision to have done any of the renovation alone.
"Jesus he has a pool!" Fanboy shouts from the other side of the room as the others rush to the window to scrutinise outside. When everyone arrives Jake gives them a quick tour around the house to avoid anyone snooping without his knowledge.
He leaves Bradley to man the barbecue and heads inside to grab a beer. In doing so he watches Phoenix and Bob verbally dissect the photographs on the mantle.
"God she was gorgeous." Phoenix points out to no one in particular, tone sounding impressed that Jake managed to land you.
"She really was." Jake sighs looking at the photo of you at your backseaters wedding, grinning ear to ear at whatever he was saying to you.
God I miss you
"How did you two meet?" Bob queries, stopping Jake before he can spiral into his thoughts.
"Flight school... I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking, she literally knocked me clean off my feet day one. We started arguing and I just thought shit this is the girl version of me." He smirks as he answers.
"God I can't imagine there being two of you out in the world. How would we cope?" Payback winks, making Jake roll his eyes in response.
"Do you usually celebrate her birthday?" Bob asks not really knowing who Hangman is as a person outside of work.
Jake instantly shakes his head. "No she fucking hates -" he starts to answer swiftly cutting himself off. He ignores the bolt of heartache that threatens to shatter him as he realises he needs to correct himself, "-hated her birthday... She never wanted to celebrate it so we always just did something together without anyone else. I don't know why Javy's arranged this." Jake lies not completely oblivious to Coyote's attempt to force him to find closure.
He can't even argue that it's misguided. It's been years and he still needs to correct himself to past tense when talking about you.
Every time he comes home he half expects you to walk through the door after him.
Jake would never say it aloud but every time he comes home, he feels like he's waiting. Permanently waiting for you to get home too.
"You miss her a lot?" Bob continues trying to get a read on him.
Jake nods. "Every single day. She's my first thought when I wake up in the morning, and the last one before I go to sleep."
"Still?" Javy's worried disbelief comes from the doorway.
"Yeah." Jake's lip quivers slightly as he continues to stare at the photograph in Phoenix's hands.
I thought that this would get easier as time goes on - everyone says that - but every day I miss her more than yesterday.
Jake tears his eyes away from your photo and necks the rest of his beer in silence. All he can think about is how he'd give anything to not feel like this anymore.
Unable to shake the torment, Hangman slips out of the living room and heads back outside to argue with Bradshaw.
*
Reader POV -
You're shoved forward by a warden, collapsing onto your knees in the threshold of an outbuilding you've never been in before. Tears well in your eyes from the sheer force that your knees hit the concrete. The tears don't have a chance to fall, as the man hoists you upright forcing you inside.
Anxiety surges in your chest as you look up. You're greeted by blood splattered walls that instantly confirm your thoughts about this building.
This is where they kill people who are no longer useful to them.
You look over at Ghost hoping he will give you a look to convey that he has some form of grand plan for leaving this place. His golden skin looks ashy with sickness, sweat beads on his forehead, and his face is contorted in trepidation.
He doesn't have a plan. Neither of you have a plan.
It feels like someone has sat on your chest with how rapidly short your breathing is becoming, your apprehension is blossoming with every passing second spent in this building.
I do not want to die here.
You silently beg your backseater to look at you, as if meeting his gaze will prompt you to have some form of epiphany. His shoulders are hunched, eyes glued to the floor inaudibly accepting his fate.
He's been trying to convince you that you'll get out every day since you got here, you've told yourself every day that's not possible. Seeing him resigned to this reality sends adrenaline pounding through your body, you're not dying here at least not without a fight.
As the herding stops, you scour the room as best you can without moving, eyes flickering between all of the red covered rooms as you search for anything at all that you might be able to grab to attack the wardens with.
Fuck, this is hopeless.
We're as good as dead.
The rooms are almost completely empty.
There is nothing, not one single thing, here that we can use as a weapon, you realise.
Your thoughts of giving up are abruptly halted the millisecond after they form, as you watch the warden on your left shift his right arm towards a gun strapped to his waist. He's the prick who pushed you.
Somehow through the endless cries of the people around you, you hear the unmistakeable sound of gun safetys being removed. The fallacy that you've created of this place having some vague sense of security or solidarity among prisoners is shattered when the first round of gunfire begins.
You feel your stomach start to churn as people try to shield behind others. The sequential bout of nausea that washes over you is unignorable.
Your whole body traitorously reacts to the commotion, your rigid tension melting away to a whole body tremor. You've never been in the situation where you feel your knees shake with genuine well-placed terror before.
You've got to pull your shit together y/n. You mentally slap yourself trying to fight your inner anxiety away, needing to think rationally to decide your next move.
Without debating the consequences, you shove the warden next to you into the wall behind him with all the strength you can muster. He's thrown off guard, obviously not expecting any resistance. After his minute stumble allows you to take his weapon, he straightens up hand instantly moving to become a vice on your arm. He twists your arm in an attempt to throw you off balance. You do not shift even an inch, feet firmly planted on the ground. You're so deep in your fight or flight response that you barely even feel the motion that you expected to floor you.
The wardens are so focused on obliterating prisoners that they don't recognise the screams of their own as out of the ordinary, so you continue resisting.
When all of the wardens are down, you allow yourself to properly glance around the prisoners in the room.
Everyone looks broken beyond repair, most of them are bleeding.
Even if you got everyone out, you're not sure who among you is strong enough to live with this.
Ghost looks like a shell of himself
Ignoring that thought, you turn your attention to him, "I want to go home" you state croakily, arms still shaking as you lower the gun.
"There's no way out of here." Ghost reiterates, agitation plaguing his voice. It took the two of you, four days of recon to figure that escape was not at all possible from where they keep normal prisoners.
"Listen to your boyfriend Miss America." One of the wardens chuckles from his place on the floor, momentarily pulling your focus to watch him hold pressure on the bullet wound on his leg.
"Then we die trying." You instruct your back seater, before opening up your invite to everyone else.
A fail looking man that you bumped into earlier, shoves a boy in your direction quickly saying something to him in a language you don't understand.
There are kids here? A shudder runs through your body at the thought of children being exposed to this. No one should be exposed to this, especially not little kids.
The man turns to face you, opening his mouth to say something when a bullet rings out. You grab the kid shielding his eyes before he can see his potential father figure drop to the floor.
A warden sniggers from the floor as you stand glued to the spot in horror and disbelief that anyone would be that insanely cruel.
"Go." Someone chokes out, moving to shield you.
*************************************************************
Part 2 for those who missed it
Part 4
A/N: I promise I'll listen to something happier and write some fluff soon
#jake seresin#tgm#top gun#jake hangman seresin#jake hangman fic#hangman imagine#hangman x reader#hangman angst#top gun au#top gun x reader#top gun hangman
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This is part 24 of the "What if Yuu didn't want to go back?" Series!
(I, the author of this work, do not consent to this work being crossposted/translated without my knowledge or used to train an AI, ever.)
Masterlist
We're late. Shit. Only by seven minutes, but there's a lot of gossip in the Backstage Room during seven minutes. Damn!
Luckily, we still have plenty of time for our skincare routines. Grim gets brushed a little faster than usual, but we're good. "Breakfast can be eaten on the way to class," I mutter to myself as I speedwalk down the hall.
"Y'ain't gawt classes t'day! Jeez, yeh jus'a lil' too awn edge 'bout yeh grades, ain't'cha? Cawlm yerself, 's awll awrigh'," says Epel, voice drawling along as it does to add a w into some words that wouldn't normally contain them this far north. I laugh along with him. We were really in such a hurry, and for what? Club doesn't start for a long while today.
In walks Korrak. Mandible is on his shoulder, as usual, and they look... as fatigued as always. Do they know? I can't tell. Maybe their evident exhaustion is from normal causes, whatever those are.
Well, I'm not going to risk it. Those two have never looked fully rested as long as I've known them, and using my signature spell last night showed me that's not a recent development. Even on the day of the entrance ceremony, they looked like there had been about two hours of deep, undisturbed, uninterrupted sleep between the two of them.
...Actually, they look way better now than they did then. I suppose Rook and Vil's care has really had an impact. Good. They deserve it.
Is the same true for me? Did I look like some kind of abomination when I walked in this world for the first time? Thinking back to day one, absolutely. Grim and I actually got taken into the Backstage Room first, and our housewarden spent over an hour and a half on detangling my hair alone- after he spent another thirty minutes on cutting it without breaking the scissors. Maybe I overestimated the difference between me and the boy with the dark blue opossum.
Ok, definitely. I definitely overestimated the difference between Korrak and I. Then again, we're from entirely different worlds, so is that a crime? I hope not.
Oh, well. Korrak isn't looking at me or Grim like anything's different, so we're probably fine. Probably. There's definitely an ethics factor, but I'm choosing to ignore that. For now.
Speaking of problems I'm aware of but choosing to pretend I'm not because the stress of that issue is pressing and I never learned to properly cope with anxiety in any way but ignoring it until I can't and it breaks me, I've heard of a spring and winter break when students go home. What do I do then?
Perhaps my impending doom shows on my face, but It doesn't matter if so because nobody appears to have noticed, and I don't see Rook. That doesn't mean he doesn't see me, though. Good ol' Rook.
He'll find me later. There's a good chance Grim and I will be taken to Vil's room to discuss that, and perhaps my signature spell. I need to get better at using that. There, that's something to do today.
I don't know when I sat down, nor do I know when Korrak and Epel started talking about combat, but it's oddly comforting to hear someone talking about fighting whilst drawing many of their 'a's into 'aw's. All becomes awl, on becomes awn, and so forth.
Did I have these moments before? Of peace, of contentment, of calm? Of simply sitting on a couch and listening to friends speak of violence in familiar voices and tones? No, I didn't, not even that last part. It's nice to know things can improve with as little as... well, not little. Still, it's nice to know things can improve.
I need to start with learning how to trigger Memory Lane. I think it was accidental last night, but I can't recall enough about before to even guess how I set it off then. Perhaps I have to be asleep? Does Grim has to be asleep? How close do I have to be to the person whose memories I'd like to rummage through, physically? Does physical space even matter? How well do I have to know them? Do I have to know them? Can I swap between targets without leaving the spell's area, or do I have to cast it twice for that to happen? Where does my physical body go? Can I take other people there?
I'm getting ahead of myself. First things first: how to start using Memory Lane. No, wait, first is breakfast. I'm almost done with that, so I'll head into the woods to train. I'll probably have to register that with Vil and maybe the headmage, but that can wait. I'd like to learn more about this spell before I tell.
"You look like you've got a plan," murrs Grim. "What're we doing today?"
"We're figuring out that spell," I maow back. Grim grins, sharp little teeth slightly dirty with minuscule chunks of salmon and toast.
"Y'all ain't all that subtle when yer up ter somethin'," teases Epel with a roll of his eyes before he gets up to stretch. "Best I git goin'," he starts again, smirking. "Cain't masta spelldrive without practice, after awll."
With that, Epel is gone, and Mandible turns to chitter at Korrak about something- I don't know what; I don't speak opossum- who then nods, scarfs down the rest of his food, and makes a break for it. He is stopped by Rook, who probably wasn't there a moment ago if my eyes are telling the truth.
"No running in the lounge," he chides gently. "Now, then, follow me!" I assume that has to do with club activities and think nothing of it. We ought to be going, too- daylight only lasts so long.
The forest is quite pretty again, leaves crunching beneath my feet as I step through the rug of orange, red, yellow, and brown that only parts for trees, their roots, and large rocks. The air here is crisp and fresh, good for clearing your head. I'll probably need that to pull this off, but I'm not sure. Can't hurt, at least.
I inhale, holding the air in my lungs and picturing... someone. The breath escapes me. Who should I go for? Myself, perhaps? Grim? Korrak again? Myself, I'll try myself first. Worth a shot, at the very least.
I try again, holding my breath in my lungs with an image of me, as reflected in the Backstage Room's wall-length mirror. My eyes close. My breath exits me in a quiet whisper: "Memory Lane."
I open my eyes to a Grim-grey path beneath my feet and a slightly blueish sky. Not blue-grey, but blue-brown, like the sky was shifting from a brunette brown to an overhead midnight expanse and I walked in on it midway through. The "stars" are small, black dots and streaks that have scattered themselves across the expanse, more numerous than in Korrak's and somewhat grouped into rows that make me think of a river spreading itself over the landscape it cuts through, as if I walked in on them, too.
The trees are willows, not the weeping kind- at least, not until I look close enough to see their branches are held up by vines with stems that match the path and leaves that match the flames in Grim's ears. The trees themselves are the dark, colorless color of my familiar's trident tail, and their leaves vary in color like confetti- some are the signature Pomefiore purple, some are the same blue as the leaves on the vines, some are a different shade of violet I've seen in Vil's eyes, and some are the green of ferns, moss, and Rook's irises. These willows do weep, but the vines prevent that. Interesting.
I wonder what that says about me.
In front of the comforted willows are more memory screens, though mine appear less like floating screens and more like... what's the word? Like those big, fancy graves with something built from smooth marble atop them, honoring the dead by creating something beautiful in their name. Crypt? No, those are underground. Tomb? Maybe.
Mausoleum, that's it. Though, notably, only the memory portal things a little ways away have them- these are nestled in the willows themselves, once low-hanging branches held away from the screen by the vines and slightly obscuring my view of the past anyway. The farther and further I look, the more little white roofs I see.
"Funny," starts Grim, "I don't remember all this. I mean, the sky's bluer than before, the leaves on the trees are more colors, and the fancy buildings are new, too." He dips his head down, eyes facing the ground near my feet. "Then again, it's been years, and my memory isn't all that great. I don't remember my family, just being cold, that striped ribbon, this place, and you." He curls into himself, soft stomach hidden from my sight, and I cannot help but forget for a mere moment that I am holding a catlike unknown as opposed to a newborn human in my arms. The thought soon evaporates like a drop of water on the surface of the sun, though my familiar's pose remains fetal.
"That's okay, Grim," I reassure, hugging him closer to my chest. "We have each other." I do not tell him the whispers of my childhood are blurry and mysterious like fog over the sea. I do not tell him he is all I clearly recall. I do not tell him I've forgotten the face of my reflection so much I thought I was face blind until I realized I only knew what I looked like when I saw myself. He does not need to know.
Nobody does. Not Mandible, not Korrak, not Epel or Rook or Vil or anyone but me. Those teachers are irrelevant now; this new world has new rules that they can't teach me. Those kids were never my friends; they just let me sit with them and tried to talk to me. Those parents aren't my parents anymore; I have new ones.
Methinks I need a distraction. My remedy is to walk a few meters to the nearest one, adjusting Grim in my arms as I do so, and touching the shiny white with my newly free hand. My familiar uncurls and turns his head to watch my fingertips glide accross the pristine, exact surface. Not one bump, dent, or crack.
The memory itself is of searching the woods for a stick to turn into a toy for Grim- it's clear and crisp despite the fact that I haven't touched it and don't intend to. Behind me, the next memory is of learning I had magic. It's just as vivid as the one before it.
Further down the path, though, memory mausoleums are fewer and farther between. It's nowhere near as packed along the sides as Korrak's- a testament to my poor memory, I suppose- or, perhaps it testifies for his being above average. Maybe even both.
I guess that's just my life- forgotten until recently.
Actually, if I look, there are a few. These ones are blurry, concerningly so, and some part of me says they need to be wiped down like soapy windows in a car wash, as though that would somehow improve the quality.
The farther back I go into the faded scraps of my own forgotten past, the fewer and farther between the memories get, and the ones we do find are notably worse than the last, though not by much. It adds up, though. After a while, they look less like life viewed through a dirty lens and more like splotches of color that were filmed through fog.
Then, I see it. This marblelike structure is huge; I'd have to stand on my own shoulders to see the top. What event could this possibly be?
I look. It's crisp like the most recent ones, with clear differences between even a grey, trident-tailed cat and an asphalt road.
Oh.
Oh.
It's... Grim's death.
...
Yeah, that... that lines up. When did I get on the ground? Oh, I've fallen. Grim is- alive. He's alive, and I'm not losing him. Not again.
It'd be comforting if I could tell myself that wasn't real, but it is. That happened, and it won't again. Not on my watch. I won't let it, no matter what.
"H-hey," starts my frantic familiar. "Yuu... um, look! Over there! I think there might be something under the trees! Let's go and look, okay?"
That's right. That's right. More to see. More to remember. Farther and further back into my faded past.
I stand and look. He's right; the branches are unusually thick here. And, right at the bottom, a rectangle cuts off, like a memory has been hidden by the trees and was revealed by the vines pulling them up.
Gently, slowly, I brush some branches aside. Harshly, suddenly, I am standing in a very nostalgic yard.
Grass. Clover. A mossy wooden fence that my startled mind remembers was willowwood, once upon a time. Grim was right. This is a memory. Speaking of Grim, there he is. In my arms. My eight-year-old, grey-clad arms. I recognize that hoodie- the grey of Grim's fur. It was my favorite as a kid.
Another child is walking down the sidewalk. Small me sees him- blond hair, forgotten eyes- and does not call. He sees small me right back, through the many large holes in the picket fence, and then he stops, his feet in dark cyan shoes I don't remember the style of. His mouth opens.
"Hey! Yuu!" I freeze. It feels almost as though he's calling out to me- not small me, but current me. That shouldn't be possible, and then small me shouts back.
"What?" My old, echoing voice calls back. The boy- Christopher- smiles like he's just been given a pack of gummy bears.
That's right. Christopher. His name was Christopher, and his favorite food was gummy bears. He sat with me at lunch.
"Are you gonna come over to my house this weekend?"
Small me lights up. "Sure!"
"Okay," Christopher shouts back, "see you tomorrow!"
"Bye!" Small me turns back to Grim. I get a good look at him then, and he is visibly younger than the Grim of today. His trident tail, like the rest of him, is smaller, and the blue flames in his ears look more like embers than they do fire, as though they once roared and have been slowly softened by the neverending sands of time.
"Mreew," sqeals the exited bundle of fur.
Small me giggles, ecstatic and still learning cat. When did I master that language?
The door on the house behind me opens, faded paint flaking off in thin shards of what was once green. Young me turns to the obnoxious squeaking, and thoughts drop into my mind like rain into a bucket: That door was greener. Why is it so white now?
The paintless parts of the door are pale brown.
The memory cuts to the following day. Christopher's mother is cutting my hair, and, from where today's me is standing, it oddly resembles Vil doing the same. She's fussing over how it should t be this matted, and how this isn't healthy, and how she's going to call CPS. I can't even remember what that stands for. Did I ever know?
More thoughts flow through me: Their door is so quiet; mine is so loud. Their house is warm like the park is in summer. What color is this? It's like the walls of the doctor's office. Or snow.
I smile to myself. My elementary school was decently fancy when I was a kid, even though Night Raven has since blown it out of the water. Many of the kids who attended came from rich families, and my friends were no exception.
The memory ends, and I'm standing on the road again. It feels like something was cut out, like there was more to it that was lost to time. I guess I'll never know again. Thinking about that makes me feel a little faint.
We should head back. I can't tell the time right now, but we do have club.
I think I can just...
"Memory Lane."
There. Isn't that neat? With just the faintest of whispers and a little bit of magic, we're back in the woods- and my phone is buzzing in my pocket with messages. Specifically, texts from Ortho.
12:02
[This groupchat was created]
[Groupchat renamed to "Board Games Club]
8:34
(666-89-02740) Hi!
This is Ortho Shroud of Ignihyde
You are Yuu of Pomefiore, right?
And Azul Ashengrotto of Octanville
8:35
(534-82-42001) Yes, this is Azul.
Why are you texting us?
The lounge is opening.
(666-89-02740) Board Games club has been canceled for today
Idia is sick
And the club room hasn't been cleaned yet
Neither have the games
8:36
(534-82-42001) Okay, I'll be at the lounge if you need me.
(666-89-02740) Okay!
Yuu, respond when you see this
The first thing I do before I respond is add Ortho and Azul to my contacts. I don't know how Ortho got my number, but it probably has to do with the whole "Ignihyde is the tech dorm" thing. The second thing I do is look at the time, and the third is sigh with relief. We'd be late if it weren't for club being canceled.
10:07
(Yuu & Grim) We have seen this!
(Blue Candle) Got it
Thank you!
I smile. It feels like I'm connecting with this new world a little bit more at a time, and the thought is enough to distract from the still-drying tears on my cheeks. Grim is purring again, probably unintentionally.
And that connection with my old one is gone. Was it ever even there? My life was nothing special, except for Grim. I should know- interesting things stick in my mind. I lost a lot of then after the whole car-and-cat thing, but I remember some of Shakespeare's plays. They were interesting.
I only remember one of them, though- what was it called? The Ides Of March, I think that's it. All I really recall is the name and that some guy got stabbed.
I remember that play better than I remember my biological parents, and I barely remember the play. Did I even live with them? Did I ever know them? Maybe I was raised by a straight couple. Or a lesbian. Or two lesbians.
No matter. Right now, my "parents" are a pair of theater kids, and I'm happy with that. I like them. Vil personally dematted my hair when I first arrived.
...Hold on. I was raised by parents, not aunts or uncles or anything, I know that much. And I know they were alive and in the house. And I know parents are supposed to care for their children.
So, why was my hair a rat's nest when I first came to Night Raven? Why did Vil have to spend so long fixing it? Why am I hyperventilating?!
I hold my breath and pray to whatever will listen to please let me faint. That's what I always did back then... okay, maybe that just means this is a bad thing to do.
Maybe my poor memory is one of the ways I cope. I'll never know with what. That's the point, after all.
My phone breifly vibrates with another message, this one directly from Ortho to me with nobody else involved.
10:46
(Blue Candle) Hey
I can't find anything on you except school-related stuff
Like
Anything
(Yuu & Grim) Why were you looking for that?
(Blue Candle) The nurse asked me if I could find your medical history and stuff
You know
For safety reasons
Seems reasonable. Although, wouldn't it make more sense to contact Vil first? And then Rook? Or the headmage, even? Maybe Ortho knows her personally or something. Maybe she wanted to contact Idia, but he sent his brother in his place. Yeah, that makes sense.
10:47
(Yuu & Grim) Yeah idk lol
Good luck
(Blue Candle) ???
That does not help
(Yuu & Grim) 🤷
(Blue Candle) 😐
😑
😐
I don't send anything new, still processing my delight over the discovery of this world's emojis. By the time I look back, Ortho has sent another text
10:48
(Blue Candle) Meet me in the nurse's office soon so I can get your blood type and stuff
(Yuu & Grim) Ok!
"C'mon, Yuu! Let's go, I'm bored," meows Grim. I smile and nod. I can process this later, anyway.
@cenatour
#disney twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland#disney twst#m!yuu#twst yuu#twst grim#twst oc#twst epel#twst ortho#twst azul#twst rook#twst#what if yuu didn't want to go back#tw pet death#tw neglect
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firesnap how do you deal w all this? Idgaf about drm but the now very high probability of him getting away from this/no other big cc speaking out is really getting to me ig
I'm trying to be realistic. I genuinely don't expect any comment from any of the big Minecraft content creators -- not today and maybe not at all. The nature of the game is that Dream is the biggest Minecraft cc in the world and all the people under him, because of the knowledge of how he operates and his fandom, are sort of stuck in limbo and trying to figure out how to navigate the situation.
Also, him only posting this stuff on his locked private account is a great way to keep things away from people who might not be following the trending tab or discussions on twitter.
Now, to not see ANY other cc, even the ones that USUALLY REPORT ON THIS STUFF, not say anything is upsetting and bizarre. I don't know if it's that people have written off the mcyt area of the internet as a lost cause or what, but it's puzzling.
I don't know, man. I don't expect teenager Tommyinnit to have to say the community has a horrible problem and it's Dream. My favorite dude barely plays Minecraft and isn't even on the internet today so I don't expect anything from him either.
I feel like people are so exhausted by his CONSTANT controversies that everyone's waiting to see how this plays out and that sucks. No big creator is going to feel like it's worth sticking their neck out when the loudest voices are still the ones defending him. I have no advice on how to cope with that knowledge other than to vote with your viewership numbers and not give support to any project, video or server that welcomes him. Let cc's know Dream isn't a source of easy views anymore.
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Hi Steph!
I see that you’ve been asking people to ask you for fic recs to help post some of the lists you’ve had saved for awhile.
So what’s a list that you’re really proud of but is for something kind of obscure that you don’t think anyone will ask for?
(referencing this post)
Hey Lovely!
AHHH Thank you for asking!
Ahhh, not REALLY??? I do have some lists that have been sitting ready to post for awhile, so I'm gonna give y'all one of those ones!
I know that I've been asked for this one a lot in the recent past, so let's do this one! Enjoy!
HURT / COMFORT Pt 4 - 50K+ Pt. 1
See also:
Hurt / Comfort Pt. 1: Under 5K Words
Hurt / Comfort Pt. 2: 5K to 10K Words
Hurt / Comfort Pt. 3: 10K to 50K Words
Triage by scullyseviltwin (E, 51,612 w. || Character Injury, Introspection) – Sherlock’s mind goes exceedingly, devastatingly quiet and gray-blank. When he speaks it’s through a thick haze, it’s through molasses, he’s so disconnected from the words that it may as well be the unconscious shooter speaking.
Coventry by standbygo (E, 52,020 w. || Dollhouse AU || Case Fic, Slow Burn, Sci-Fi / Fantasy, First Kiss / Time, Attempted Rape, BAMF John) – “Let me get this straight,” John said, wondering when his life had become a science fiction film. “Some guy orders up a personality, a person, to his specifications, and they program this into a real live person, who has consented to do this, and she goes to this person and acts as his wife, or lawyer, or Royal Marine, or Navy Seal or what have you, and she has all the skills, all the knowledge, everything? Then you say the magic words, and she follows you back to The House, and they erase it all until her next appointment?”
Lost Without My Blogger by starrysummernights (E, 52,155 w. || Reverse Reichenbach, PTSD, Hurt / Comfort, Fluff / Angst, Psychological Torture, Reunion Fic, Friends to Lovers) – John is abducted and declared dead. How will Sherlock cope without his blogger? How will he react when John comes back from the "dead?" Drama and angst with a healthy dose of romance. Part 1 of I'd Be Lost Without My Blogger
A Hundred Crimson Sols by elldotsee (E, 55,536 w. || Astronauts AU || Mars Exploration / Space Travel, Slow Burn, Shy Sherlock, Scientist Sherlock / Biomed Engineer John, Alternating POV, Mutual Pining, UST, Angst with Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Injuries, Suicidal Ideation, Zero-G Sex) – Will Holmes is a chemical researcher recognized widely for his contributions to the new Mars exploration program. Thanks to his ground-breaking developments, the IMMC (International Mars Mission Corporation) is one step closer to Martian colonization. Will and his team of scientists are headed out on the first of three manned missions before the first group of settlers arrive. Three days before launch, one of the crew has to be replaced. Will panics because...new people. The replacement is of course one John Watson, biomedical engineer and space hottie who was pretty sure he had retired from actual space exploration and was now content to work in the nice, quiet research lab. Can the crew survive this TOTALLY ROUTINE trip? Will they be able to endure each other for the looooooong trip in close quarters? Gonna be a wild ride... prepare for blast off. Part 1 of the SpaceBois go to Space series
Lunar Landscapes by J_Baillier (M, 57,046 w., 21 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || S3/TAB Fix-It, Slow Burn Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Confessions, Drugs, Pain, Medical, Injury, Sherlock Whump, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Romance, Secrets, Tragedy, Trauma, BAMF John, Doctor!John, Drug Addict Sherlock, Injured Sherlock, Grieving John, Idiots In Love, Protective John, POV John Watson, PTSD Sherlock, Sherlock is a Mess, Medical Realism) – An accident forces John to face the fact that Sherlock's downward spiral had started long before his flight to exile even left the tarmac.
Scars by SilentAuror (E, 60,493 w. || Rape / Non-Con / Abuse, Gaslighting, Manipulation, Dub Con Elements, Homophobia, Angst With Happy Ending, Mary is Not Nice) – S3 rewrite, showing Mary’s manipulation of John as he realizes his love for Sherlock. Mary is not having it.
The Burning by SrebrnaFH (M, 60,658 w. || Reverse Reichenbach, Suicide, Depression, Hurt Sherlock / John, Separation, BAMF John, Good Big Brother Mycroft, Angst, Implied/Referenced Torture, Fake Character Death, Rescue Mission, Reconciliation / Reunion, Hospitalization, Marriage Proposal, Illnesses, Physical Therapy, Happily Ever After) – Something went very, very wrong. John had seemed, if not happy, then reasonably content with his life. Sherlock had never predicted something like THIS might have happened. Not in his worst nightmares. He was the lousiest friend ever, apparently. At least Mycroft found him something to occupy his mind with, so that he didn't have to go back to 221B and stare at the walls and the chair, where John Watson would never sit again.
You Have Drawn Red From My Hands by J_Baillier (T, 67,085 w. || Three Garridebs, Heavy John Whump, Hurt / Comfort, Pining, Heavy Angst, Case Fic/Adventure, Slow Burn, Sick Fic, Injury, Guilt & Depression, Just Talk Already Please, Medical Realism, PTSD) – John getting injured leads Sherlock on a path of guilt and revelations.
Gold Rush by ShirleyCarlton (E, 71,783 w., 17 Ch. || Post S3 / No Mary, Friends to Lovers, Mentions of Past Sexual Abuse, First Kiss, Case Fic, Slow Burn, Alternating POV, Switchlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Marriage Proposal, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Abduction, Anxious/Insecure Sherlock, Miscommunication, Emotional Lovemaking) – John has divorced Mary and pops round to 221B one evening to find Sherlock in the middle of a case. As Sherlock tries to find the identity of a young woman’s stalker, John realises he can no longer deny his feelings for Sherlock – which then, to their befuddlement, turn out to be mutual. Shy kisses and tentative embraces ensue. But will Sherlock be able to cast off a shadow from his past that he thinks might prevent John from wanting to stay?
The Monument of Memory by J_Baillier (M, 79,663 w., 14 Ch. || Post S4 Fix It Fic / S4 is Canon, Angst, Family Drama, Guilt, Case Fic, John Loves Sherlock, Complicated Feelings, Mentalism / Hypnosis, Murder, Grieving John, Sherlock is a Bit Not Good, Team Work, Trust Issues, BAMF John, Psychological Trauma, Protective John, Autistic-Spectrum Sherlock, Parentlock, John POV) – A genius traumatised by a past he's only beginning to recall. The psychopath sister that time forgot. A missing woman and a mentalist who may or may not be a murderer. And, in the middle of it all, stands John Watson.
Thermocline by J_Baillier (M, 83,557 w., 14 Ch. || Scuba Diving AU || Adventure, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Marine Archaeology, Asexual Sherlock, Horny John, Relationship Drama, Technical/Scuba/Wreck Diving, Slow Burn, Underwater / Medical Peril, Doctor John, Hurt Sherlock, Anxious Sherlock, John POV, Protective John, Body Appreciation) – John "Five Oceans" Watson — technical dive instructor, dive accident analyst and weapon of mass seduction — meets recluse professor of maritime archaeology Holmes. As they head out to a remote archipelago off the coast of Guatemala to study and film its shipwrecks for a documentary, will sparks fly or fizzle out?
Swallow the Night by ArwaMachine (E, 87,873 w., 15 Ch. || TSo3/Stag Night Fix It, TAB/S4 Divergence, Toplock, Mutual Pining, PWP, Drunk / Public Sex, Anal Fingering/Sex, Alcohol-Induced Amnesia, Everyone Knows Except Them, Emotional Love Confession, Demisexual Sherlock, Internalized Homophobia [John], Parentlock with Rosie, First Kiss, Drug Relapse, Infidelity, Texting, Masturbation, Oblivious John, Emotional Love Making, Angst with Happy Ending, Dreams and Nightmares) – “Do you know how long,” John panted, his cheek scraping against the wall, looking back at Sherlock through half-closed eyes, “I’ve wanted this?” Sherlock pressed himself against John’s back, biting at John’s ear. “Not nearly as long as I have,” he whispered.
Bleed Me Out by antietamfalls (E, 87,987 w. || Vampire AU || Bonding, Vampire Sherlock, Fluff & Angst, H/C, John Whump, Magical Realism) – John isn’t exactly surprised to discover that Sherlock isn't human. His vampirism doesn't pose a problem, even when their relationship gradually grows into something more. That is, until a deadly revelation about John’s blood sends their lives spinning dangerously out of control.
Bakers with Benefits by Raina_at (E, 88,130 w., 14 Ch. || Great British Bake Off AU || Strangers to Lovers, Switchlock, Friends with Benefits, Mentions of Alcoholism / Past Drug Use, Banter, Flirting, Fluff, Light Angst, Semi-Public Sex, Past Sherlock/Victor, Mutual Pining, POV Sherlock, Obsessive Sherlock, John’s Bum) – Sherlock Holmes has a successful YouTube baking channel, but what he really wants is his own bakery. When an old friend sends him a call for the very first Great British Bake Off, he seizes the opportunity to finally win a sponsor for his bakery. Here's the plan: Win Bake Off, get the bakery, don't fall in love with the handsome Army doctor at the neighbouring station. Easy.
Northwest Passage by Kryptaria (E, 95,157 w., 27 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Canadian AU || BAMF!John, Canadian John, PTSD, Anal / Oral Sex, Rimming, Emotional Hurt / Comfort, Drug Rehab, Falling in Love, Pining Sherlock, Love Confessions, Sherlock’s Violin, Panic Attacks, Switching, Anxious / Protective Sherlock, Hugs for Comfort, Suicide Mentions, Healing Each Other) – Seven years ago, Captain John Watson of the Canadian Forces Medical Service withdrew from society, seeking a simple, isolated life in the distant northern wilderness of Canada. Though he survives from one day to the next, he doesn't truly live until someone from his dark past calls in a favor and turns his world upside-down with the introduction of Sherlock Holmes." Part 1 of Tales from the Northwest
The Heart In The Whole by verityburns (E, 101,650 || Post-TGG Canon Divergence, Blindness, Drama & Angst, H/C, First Time) – Events after 'The Great Game' leave Sherlock dependent on his best friend and colleague. But John has a secret of his own...
A Study in Winning by Jupiter_Ash (E, 106,658 w. || Tennis AU || John POV, Dirty Talk, Mutual Pining, Misunderstandings, Happy Ending, Sherlock Speaks French, Switchlock, Wimbledon) – John and Sherlock are professional tennis players and it’s Wimbledon. One is a broken almost was at the end of his career, the other an arrogant rising star tipped for greatness. It should have been a straightforward tournament. It really should have been. How were they to know that a chance encounter would change everything? Part 1 of Tennis
Drawn to Stars by Silvergirl (E, 109,272 w., 60 Ch. || S4 Compliant to TLD / TFP Doesn’t Exist, Sherlock’s Italian Adventure, Sherlock/OC and Johnlock, Jealous John, Mutual Pining, Misunderstandings, First Kiss/Time, Idiots in Love, 3 Part Story, Slow Burn, Inexperienced Sherlock, Bottom Sherlock, Introspection, Alternating First and Third Person POV, Separation and Reconciliation, Emotional Love Making, Love Confessions via Letters, Angst with Happy Ending) – After the Culverton Smith case Sherlock is clean, working, and looking for a romantic partner—since John has told him that’s what he needs. Shame John didn’t mention he was interested in that role himself, before Sherlock went off to Rome with a gorgeous Italian copper to try to fall in love and become a complete human being. Part 1 of the Drawn to Stars series
Two Two One Bravo Baker by abundantlyqueer (E, 114,574 w. || Military AU || Afghanistan, War Story, Thriller) – Captain John Watson of 40 Commando, the Royal Marines, is assigned to protect and assist Sherlock Holmes as he investigates what appears to be a simple war atrocity in Afghanistan. An intense attraction ignites between the two men as they uncover a conspiracy that threatens everything they’ve ever known, but Sherlock is as much hunted as hunter, and everyone close to him is in deadly danger. Can he solve the case in time to save himself and John? Part 1 of Two Two One Bravo Baker Universe
Breakable by MissDavis (E, 117,627 w. || Established, Fluff/Angst, Depression, Paralysis, Happy-ish Ending) – After John is seriously injured, Sherlock struggles to figure out how to help him, keep himself sane, and maybe, just maybe, get their life back to the way it's supposed to be. Part 1 of Breakable Not Broken
To Light Another's Path by BeautifulFiction (E, 128,654 w. || Post-TGG, Sick Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Drug Addiction / Recreational Drug Use, First Time / Kiss, Case Fic) – Teaching John to observe seems to be a losing battle, but when Sherlock falls ill and submits himself to John's care, will he realise that there is more to life than the science of deduction? Meanwhile, there is a murder to solve, and John must try and convince Sherlock not to sacrifice his own health for the sake of the case.
The Bang and the Clatter by earlgreytea68 (M, 137,049 w. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Baseball AU || Slow Burn / Developing Relationship, Possessive/Obsessive Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Mutual Pining, Body Appreciation, Depression, Closeted Sexuality, Family, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Ogling Each Other, Anxious Sherlock, Panic Attack, Drunkenness, Talk of Forever, Big Feelings™) – Sherlock Holmes is a pitcher and John Watson is a catcher. No, no, no, it's a baseball AU. Part 1 of Baseball
The Adventure of the Silver Scars by tangledblue (NR [M], 142,458 w., 41 Ch. || S3 Fix-It, Post-HLV/ Post-TAB / Canon Compliant, Case Fic, No Baby, Angst, Humour, UST, Slow Burn, Angry John, Reconciliation, Not Nice Mary / Leaving Mary, Dependent Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Caretaker John, Fist Fights, It’s An Experiment, Virgin Sherlock, Dancing, Drugging, John Whump, Pet Names, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Scars) – It’s been thirteen months since Mary shot Sherlock and John finds he’s still pissed off about it. Sherlock had thought everything was settled: John and Mary, domestic bliss. But when John turns up at Baker Street with suitcases, the world’s only consulting detective might not be prepared for the consequences. A new case. Some old scores to settle. Certain danger. Concertos, waltzes, and whisky.
Proving A Point by elldotsee & J_Baillier (E, 186,270 w., 28 Ch. || Me Before You Fusion || Medical Realism, Insecure John, Depression, Romance, Angst, POV John, Sherlock Whump, Serious Illness, Doctor John, Injury Recovery, Assisted Suicide, Sherlock’s Violin, Awkward Sexual Situations, Alcoholism, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Body Image, Friends to Lovers, Hurt / Comfort, Pain, Big Brother Mycroft, Intimacy, Anxiety, PTSD, Family Issues, Psychological Trauma, John Whump, Case Fics, Loneliness, Pain) – Invalided home from Afghanistan, running out of funds and convinced that his surgical career is over, John Watson accepts a mysterious job offer to provide care and companionship for a disabled person. Little does he know how much hangs in the balance of his performance as he settles into his new life at Musgrave Court.
Fallen Series by Belladonna_Q, mamishka (T, 222,094 w. across 3 works || Winglock || Angel!John, Angels & Demons, Faes, Christianity, Changelings) – In a world where myth, mystery, and the supernatural flourish beneath the veneer of modern civilization, Sherlock is a master of magic as well as science and deduction. But there are some things that he cannot see, riddles he cannot unravel, even when they walk right beside him in the form of one John Watson…
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Hey hi! I read your Helena Wells meta earlier, from ten years ago, and I found it so interesting and spot on, and at the end you were so sad that you felt like you didn't have a good grasp on the character - do you feel that has changed, since then? And if so, how? Or, what do you think of Helena these days?
(the meta you posted and linked here:
https://www.tumblr.com/purlturtle/736985181321314304/your-helena-tangent-got-me-thinking-and-yes-this )
Oooo fun and deep questions! :D Thank you!!
Obviously, that was 2.5 high schools ago so I had to reread my original meta to refresh my memory. My first thought is: OMFG LEARN PARAGRAPH BREAKS!! O_O But then, as I kept reading and saw how many spaces were missing after periods and how the sentences after the missing space read like a new paragraph -- my second thought is, I think Tumblr did me dirty at some point in the last 10 years of formatting changes and I actually did use appropriate paragraph breaks originally. Rude. -_-
But on the point of your actual questions! lol
I don't remember writing that exact post, but being nervous and uncertain about my Helena characterization does ring a bell. I was DEFINITELY more confident in analyzing/meta-ing Myka or Pete (if it was in relation to Myka). HG made me nervous and that was only like 10% because she's British and I'm American.
Some of my uncertainty probably came from my lack of historical knowledge (which has not improved. Fun fact: this is why I nearly never invented an artifact for fic). A not-insignificant portion of my uncertainty probably also came from how confident the rest of the fandom spoke about Helena. It seemed like she was meta-ed more often and by more people than Myka was. (Which makes sense as -- in general -- Helena was/probably still is the more popular character in the B&W ship.) I don't remember ever feeling like someone was way off base or out of character with Helena, but I do remember reading meta/fic sometimes and struggling to decide if I disagreed with a character trait/action that the person assigned her or if it was an accurate aspect of Helena's character that I hadn't internalized yet.
Basically I had Opinions about how Myka (and Pete for that matter) should be written and definitely noticed when a fic disagreed with me. But figuring out HG was like the wild west to me and I could never pin her down with firm barriers on who her character is and isn't.
I am very, very rusty on my Warehouse 13 knowledge because it's been nearly a decade since I was deep in my analyzation of the show. So, I wouldn't say I have a better grasp on Helena's characterization today than I did in 2014. But there are some aspects I feel like I could understand better if I took the time to rewatch and meta.
Loss of a child -- look I don't have children, but I do have niblings now that I adore. I'm also raising a dog who taught me I do not have the energy or anxiety coping mechanisms to raise a human child, because worrying about her almost does me in on its own. And I'm in my mid-30's now and seem to have a better understanding of parent-child relationships (or I'm at least way more interested in exploring them now, both from the view of the child and the view of the parent). So, exploring Christina's death and just how much that affected Helena would absolutely be on my list of deep-dives. I never ignored this before, but I'm certain I could pull more out of this backstory today than I could've in 2014.
Helena's guilt -- I started rambling at the end of that post about which things Helena felt guilty about and whether she felt guilty at all. As far as I remember, I usually wrote her as feeling some measure of guilt for her past actions. (Although I was also usually writing full AU settings so it was a moot point.) But I also wasn't wrong when I pointed out how she didn't show any obvious signs of regret over her S2 actions, unless it was something that had hurt Myka. If I was going to go back and meta WH13, I would explore this topic deeper for sure.
Interestingly, it's not something I could've explored deeper prior to 2022-ish. But now I've watched the series Lucifer which deals entirely with guilt and has a protagonist with shut down emotions who doesn't regret things and then, through incremental changes over 6 seasons, opens up, learns to feel every emotion again, unpacks a lot of shit etc. And I have been FASCINATED by how the writers pulled that off, because on the surface it is not a show (or a protagonist) that I should care about. (And if I had watched it from ep 1.01 instead of completely ass backwards, I wouldn't have cared about him.) BUT I DO CARE! And I want to know how they pulled off Lucifer's character arc. And then I want to use some of the techniques they used to explore guilt and pain and apply them to Helena to see what emerges in her character. Because I think it would be really interesting.
And then finally, I'm not sure I have anything new to bring to the conversation around what Helena's future with the warehouse and/or happy ending looks like. But I could also never make up my mind on what would work best for her. Does she return as an agent? Does she become a regent? (Probably not, but you never know.) Does she just become the live-in inventor who doesn't venture into the field unless absolutely necessary? I have absolutely no idea what her future with the warehouse would look like if a romantic relationship with Myka is her happy ending. (Which is my personal goal obviously lol).
Because -- and this is where my Opinions on Myka come into play -- our girl Myka Bering is not leaving that warehouse. Ever. She is the new Artie. She will take over as the lead agent when he retires/partially retires. And then she will die there. In South Dakota of old age (because I refuse to let her die on a mission). Pete? Oh, my boy Pete will meet an awesome lady and retire to be a stay at home dad. He'll walk away one day. Myka? Absolutely never. You're burying her at the warehouse. Which means Helena will have to have some kind of relationship with it again, and I would have to figure out what that looks like because both today and in 2014, I can't decide what option fits her best.
I hope this answers your question! It was so deep and I love it :D I just don't have new thoughts on WH13 yet because I haven't looped back around to a full blown obsession with it yet. (It will happen. Round 2 of BERING AND WELLS ARE THE BEST THING EVER will absolutely happen at some point in my life because that's how I roll and they are.) So this is less meta about how my thoughts on Helena have changed, and more about how my approach to her character would change given the experience I've gained in the last ten years.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS ASK!
#Helena Wells#Warehouse 13#my meta#ask#purlturtle#yes I've started measuring time in the unit of measure 'high schools' (aka 4 years like American high schools)#because time lost meaning somewhere around 2013 when I got fully settled into my adult job
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you pointed out that five only accepts physical affection from Lila, why do think he chooses Lila over the others?
Oh, Anon, I love you for asking this question. I am currently genuinely buoyant about how much the two of them touch in Season 3 because I think it's a very precious thing about their dynamic. I know people in the fandom are gunning for Five to be hugged at some point, but I can't put into words how dear I hold him accepting small gestures of physical affection from Lila specifically before he does so from anyone else. This accidentally became a 1.7k manifesto about affection and friendship. Hope you enjoy!
The thing with Five and physical touch is, I think, that it's something he is really, really fucked up over. He is not a physically affectionate man. The only thing he has really ever shown physical affection to is Delores, and there he was unbearably tender and gentle, so I think he can be physically affectionate, he just doesn't really know how to do it with anybody who isn't, y'know, a manifestation of his trauma of excruciating, decades-long loneliness.
What we know is that Five knows how to love. Loving Delores kept him from completely losing his mind in the apocalypse. He loves his siblings deeply, and he has a deep-seated love for the world as well. But he doesn't know how to express that love, he can't verbalise it, and he can barely initiate touch to the ones he loves most, what he does being restricted to manhandling people when necessary and patting Klaus' shoulders a few times.
What he doesn't know is how to be loved, how to accept affection from others.
He displays a certain inability to cope when love and affection are shown to him. His visible double-take when Klaus tells him he's a good brother is so telling, he is genuinely taken aback. When Viktor patches up his wound in the very first episode and gently pats the blood away, he looks haunted, unsure of what is going on. In Season 1, whenever one of his siblings tries to initiate a physical touch, Five either flinches away or blocks the touch. He keeps Luther's hand away when Luther reaches out to him when he sees that he is upset after the shoot-out at the department store. When Five is literally bleeding out on the floor and Allison inspects his body, his hands pull away from hers. There are so many hugs in Season 2, and none of them involve Five, because a) everyone was mad at him for stranding them in the 60s and b) I think his siblings know that he is not physically affectionate, so they don't even try. He doesn't really reach out to them and they don't reach for him.
Because there was something between the loneliness of the apocalypse and the reunion with his family. The only person we see extensively touch Five, and not in an affectionate way, in a way I can only describe as a powerplay. The Handler. I have to say that I really like the acting choice of how Five reacts to her touching him. Different from his siblings, he does not recoil from her touch. However, he also doesn't lean into it. What he gives her is carefully calculated complete neutrality. He doesn't show her if or how her touch affects him, she continues to prod and poke, and he doesn't give her ammunition. So he has just come from forty years of not touching another living human. What he gets is a superior who uses touch as a tool to assert her dominance, and knowledge on how to weaponise touch to end other people's lives. What I'm getting at is that his already fucked-up relationship with touch from the apocalypse was made worse by the Commission, which doesn't let him associate touch with something positive.
And somewhere around here, Lila comes in. Lila wants to be loved, and, likely due to not having the 45 years of complete solitude, can ask for that love, can pursue it in the way Five is unable to. She is a lot more physical towards other people, she touches Diego frequently and without shame because she likes him and wants to be close to him. The Handler also was physical towards her, and at the time, Lila thought she loved her, so she did not have the same reaction to her touching her as Five had to the same actions. Lila has a lot less baggage in that area than Five does.
Their relationship to one another is very unique in the show. For the majority of ten days, they hate each other deeply. Five plays an important part in her trauma, something she is grappling with, and she was literally sent after him to end his life. But they are also similar, and there is a certain honesty in white-hot hatred, as Five os eloquently puts it, because the two of them are almost shockingly honest to each other. They witness some deeply personal things about the other, and when they discover the kugelblitz, they both realise that their days are numbered and that their grudges don't really matter in the grand scheme of the universe falling apart.
Lila is the person that has touched Five the most over the course of the three seasons. Most of that touch has come when they were trying to kill each other, but that is a form of touch too. It's a different kind of intimacy that is personal on a very different level, but a bit of mild to severe mutually inflicted head trauma and strangulation does lower your inhibitions about the other person's physicality, I reckon.
And it's only after three times of mutually attempted annihilation that they call their little white-hot hatred truce. It comes after Five is very sincere to her face, about Diego and about the Handler, ironically about love, something that I think she is surprised by and which earns him some points in her favour. And this is where the first time that Five accepts Lila's touch comes in. It's not an affectionate touch here, it's perfunctory, the physical touch equivalent of a big get-along-shirt, but something about it is different from all the other times Five has touched or been touched in the show.
Anon, you asked why he chooses to accept Lila's physical affection over anyone else's. In my interpretation, it comes down to the fact that she does something different from everyone else we've seen so far. For that first touch, Lila offers.
And it's a command, and it's all for their plan to get to the Commission, but it's her extending an olive branch to work with him, after all their disagreements, over the mutual dislike, and more importantly, it's her not imposing her touch on him. For the first time, Five has a deliberate choice, and the gesture, in all its stubbornness and dissatisfaction, gets Lila an actual genuine smile out of Five.
I really like this moment because it's steeped in mutual dislike and anger that they have to work together, but there is a sincerity there that I love, the acting in this scene is wonderful.
And then they are unfortunate enough to discover that they make a pretty good team. They find out about the kugelblitz and Lila decides that she doesn't really want to hold grudges anymore in that short time, not against Diego and not really against Five, either. Some odd bonding through trauma happened between the two of them, and instead of hating him, Lila decides to make the best of the time they have left and annoy him, which I think she probably finds more satisfaction in than trying to kill him.
This is where the fact that Lila is not the Handler nor one of Five' beloved siblings becomes important. Physical affection from her does not carry the weight it carries from either of these parties. She touches him, first and foremost, at least I think, to tease him, grabs his hand and pulls him around in blatant disrespect to the walls he has puts up. We see her sling her arm across his shoulders, ruffle his hair (to his dismay), grab his hand to pull him close, manhandle him to twist and turn him, and he twirls her around, dancing, on two different occasions. Booze was involved, which I think explains this all partially, but I like to think it's a little more than that.
Lila is not really overthinking what her extending physical affection, no matter how teasing it may be, might mean, either to her or to him. She treats it casually, and it is not meant as a great gesture of care that I think Five would grapple with more. She touches him as a joke, as jibe, and he is grumpy about it, but he lets it happen and even reciprocates and plays along, just a little bit. They're gestures that are not suffocating with meaning or love. They're a first step to accepting physical affection.
And affectionate the gestures are, even though I don't really think that's what Lila really wanted them to be, she wanted to get on his nerves, get a rise out of him, you know, the game they've been playing ever since they met. But she is clearly comfortable with him, and he is with her, to an extent much larger than with anyone else we've seen him with, at least on a physical level. The joke kind of got away from her there, because I think they both have affection to give, even and maybe especially to each other, although it takes a while for that to sink in. This season, Five and Lila fumble their way into a friendship that is new territory for both of them, but it is territory they both subconsciously have wanted to charter for a while. She even ends up offering him a hug after the wedding, something sober Five walks past, but even then, it was an offer, not her forcing touch on him.
I don't think Five chose Lila to accept physical affection from. I rather think that she chose him to be affectionate toward, first reluctantly, in a utilitarian way, and then to tease him, get on his nerves, but then they accidentally slipped into friendship and what was meant to be steeped in sarcasm became very genuine for two people that are quite starved for platonic affection. And good for them, they really do deserve a friend, someone to be a little silly with.
So. On the one hand, I am definitely overthinking all of this and it is not that deep. On the other hand. I can make this show deeper than it is if I want to.
In conclusion. They <3
#tua s3 spoilers#Replies#Anonymous#my meta#Five Hargreeves#Lila Pitts#The Umbrella Academy#this is over 1k i'm tagging this properly
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A new chance - Emmett (AQP2) -Part 1
Request: Could you do something with Emmett immediately after where AQP2 ends? Maybe something where he’s back at the camp on the island and he’s getting his leg looked at? Maybe he meets someone on the island who helps him cope with everything? Something hurt/comfort or sweet? Few days ago I prompted something w emmett, so here's some idea > "I'm sorry I doubted you. I was wrong and you were right" + some angst and a final fluffy 😚 great sunday ♡ Anon I LOVED THIS IDEA, I really hope you like it! If you see this please let me know what you think, should I make this into a mini series?
It’s a bit long, I got too excited and couldn’t stop writing, the idea of using natural medicine had been in the back of my mind for a while, even though all natural remedies listed are real, but I highly recommend going to an specialist 🏥
And also lovely @zablife made this incredible moodboard 🥰✨🌿🪴 how gorgeous is that?! Thank you Lee you totally captured the idea ✨
Summary: After being hurt, Emmett returns to camp in poor condition. A doctor found a way to combine ancient medicine with modern knowledge.
Both have lost their love ones, both have been so lonely, but soon they’ll find out they have more in common than they ever imagined. Will they take this chance?
“Y/N! Y/N!”
You heard as you cleaned the supplies you just used with the last patient. The door flew open and three men and a girl entered with an unconscious body in their arms.
“Put him over here.” You pointed at the empty table you used for the checkups. “What happened?”
Gary, one of them explained how they found him at the radio station, they just knew his name was Emmett and the girl was altered and hurt, she communicated through sign language.
“I’m going to help you, alright?” But she answered with tears in her eyes pointing at the man on the table, she explicitly asked you to take care of him first.
He was attacked by one of the creatures, his leg seemed in such a bad state, that you were afraid you’d hurt him even more. You started by cutting in half the leg of his trousers, his shoes discarded already on the floor. After carefully cleaning the wound, you walked towards the counter to search for the leaves and ointment you’ve created to treat this kind of injuries.
You needed to know about allergies and other medical information before doing anything else, so turning to the girl, you showed her a bowl of clean water and bandages for her.
“Your dad’s going to be alright.” You assured her.
Reading her lips, she expressed: “He’s not my dad.”
“Sorry… what’s your name?”
She winced in pain as the cold cream and small pieces of different leaves touched her skin, covering it with a small cloth and then a bandage, you checked for other signs of pain in her.
“Regan.” She mouthed.
Squeezing her shoulder, you gave the girl a nod. “You’re so brave.” But she shook her head and looked in the man’s direction.
“Go and lay down for a bit, I’ll let you know when he wakes up.”
***
Taking a look at the man lying on your table, you found his breathing was returning to normal, so you decided it was a good time to check for his vitals, it was impossible to move your eyes from his face, the fringe on his forehead was a big temptation for you to move it away, there was a thick salt and pepper beard, the lines around his eyes reflected the worry and hard time he must’ve been through.
His arm flew in a self-defense motion simultaneously as a hurt groan, you fell to the floor, getting a hard hit in your back.
“It’s alright! I’m here to help you.” You tried to show your hands to soothe him. “Everything’s fine.” You whispered.
His heavy breathing worried you, not knowing if he was under a panic attack or an emotional collapse.
“I’m a doctor, you arrived injured, look at your leg.”
When he had finally calmed you were met by the most fascinating blue eyes, but it wasn’t just the color of his eyes, it was everything underneath them, everything that was right there at the surface, what the eyes could say that his voice couldn’t.
Lifting yourself up, you moved your hand to show him around.
“Sorry.” He mumbled.
“Before I can continue healing your leg, I need you to answer a few questions.” Pointing a small lantern at his right eye you moved it from one side to the other to see his reflections. He nodded. “What’s your name?”
“Emmett.” You went on to check the other eye, looking for any sign of concussion.
“Do you know why you’re here?”
He seemed to think about it for a couple of seconds. “I was at the radio station, with… with Regan.” He frowned and tried to move abruptly.
Placing your hand on his chest, you could feel his heartbeat speeding up. “Regan is alright, she’s outside.” He looked at you with his big, bright eyes. “Are you allergic to anything? Food? Medicine?”
“No.”
His blood pressure was altered, as well as his heartbeat. Which was totally normal after the events of the day.
Turning around you started to create a mix of herbs and plants, then cutting some aloe to make it easier to spread on the skin.
He seemed to be in a good shape, but you had to ask him anyways. “Is there any illness that I should know of?” He shook his head. “Good, I’m asking you this because even though I’m a doctor, once I arrived at the island I started to make a combination of the traditional medicine we know with the natural medicine our ancestors used…”
“Are you kidding me?” He scoffed. “Natural medicine? That’s bull-”
But you cut him off by placing the mix over his open leg and then two big leaves of some water plants you cut that morning and tied it with some strips of palm tree making the knot a little bit tighter than you should, earning a painful scream from Emmett.
“If you don’t believe in it, fine, but I’m going to have to cut off your leg next week.”
You’ve been on the edge for a while, losing all your loved ones at the invasion, healing yourself in the woods until you were rescued and brought to the island. Emmett should be grateful you had medicine knowledge instead of mocking your treatments, closing the door angrily, you found Regan watching a draw one of the kids made, Lindsay came to you with an apple. Everything was so quiet now in the island.
You’ve been working nonstop since the attack started, initially you planned to take the day off, spend it at the other side of the island to forget about everything, but as you heard screams and cries you were forced to come back into the clinic to start helping people.
Sitting next to you on the steps, she asked: “What the hell was that?”
Making a face you took a small bite of the apple. “Don’t even ask, I feel terrible… but he laughed of my methods.”
“Oh crap… is he still alive?” A soft giggle escaped her.
“Of course he’s.” You rolled your eyes at her, walking towards the girl you let her know she could see him now and you’ll go and ask for some supplies for him. Taking a couple of minutes to get yourself calm you realized you shouldn’t hurt him like that, this wasn’t like you, it wasn’t right to treat your patients that way, but he shouldn’t have laughed your job off either. After some deep breaths you walked inside the house again.
Lindsay announced she had prepared him a small lunch, Regan had already been fed. “I’ll give it to him.” Your friend and collaborator in the small clinic gave you a worried look but you ignored it. She requested you wouldn’t kill him.
As you walked into the room, regret immediately ran through you, the pain was evident in his face and Regan looked worryingly at him. You instructed her to go out with the kids and as soon as she was out of sight, when you turned around to face Emmett, he was looking at you intensely thinking hard of what to say.
“I’m really sorry for the way I treated you earlier, I shouldn’t have put so much pressure on your wound… I’m sorry I hurt you.” You felt embarrassed by your actions.
It took him a couple of seconds to speak: “I shouldn’t have laughed at your practice, I guess I deserved that.”
“We started with the wrong foot.” You decided you would just keep your distance from him, he had every right to not believe in your practice but you would attend him like the rest of the patients you had. You told him you’d clean his leg and as you moved around, you could feel his eyes on you. “This is a mix of turmeric and honey for the cuts and wounds.” You announced. “Once is dry, I’ll clean it again and do another mix… any other pain you’ve?”
“My head hurts.” He admitted in a serious tone. “But if you’re planning on smashing me with something, I’d prefer to endure the pain, thank you.”
His sarcasm didn’t go unnoticed by you, but this time you just sighed and moved around. “Feverfew helps to reduce headaches… I like to combine it with lavender oil to speed the results.”
Still not fully believing this would work at all, but he took it from your hands and the small bottle with the roll on. You instructed him to rub it on his temples, forehead and behind his neck, then place two leaves of feverfew on his temples. “Of course you don’t have to, if you don’t want.”
After leaving him alone, you found Regan looking at the window.
“Can I help you with anything?” You moved the hair away from her face. “We can send people to get your family?” She nodded eagerly and through signs explained she knew the way to where her family was. “Perfect then, Lindsay can help you with that tomorrow, you must be tired… take one of the rooms upstairs to pass the night, everything you need is there.”
As you were about to leave to get more supplies, Regan touched your arm, her right hand moved to her lips and made an arch to the front. She moved her lips and mouthed thank you at you.
“You’re welcome.” Winking at her you took the basket and left the house.
Walking for over twenty minutes, you finally made it into the depopulated part of the island, this has been a common practice to refill the plants and herbs you would need during the week. Taking only what you needed, nature provided for everything you could use.
You’ve been able to help a lot of people since you arrived at the island, that was the main purpose of being a doctor, making them good, help them heal.
Constantly reminding yourself to focus on your task, the day would be over soon and tomorrow it would only one more painful memory.
But as you were collecting some plants, you couldn’t stop thinking of the man you were trying to help heal his leg, in his eyes you could see kindness, but also pain… real life changing pain, the one that tears your soul into a million pieces and you don’t know how you’re able to keep breathing, the same pain you knew so well. The one you dealt with every single day.
But today wasn’t an ordinary day… no, today your daughter Maddie would turn nine years old. She would, if you had been able to protect her when the invasion happened. The tears falling down your cheeks, your legs giving up to hold you anymore. The smell of wet soil filled you, the fresh leaves and dry nature hugged you while you cried. You missed Maddie every second of the day, you missed braiding her hair and answering her endless questions about everything.
Losing the track of time, it was dark when you returned the camp, the lights of the house were still on.
Lindsay and Regan were cleaning the table.
“We were worried about you, it’s late.” Your friend hugged you.
“Sorry, I needed some time out.” Looking at the floor, you couldn’t help your eyes watering again.
“What is it, Y/N?” You shook your head, unable to speak. “OMG, it’d be Maddie’s birthday!” She suddenly remembered, your shoulders started to shake violently and you tried to suppress a loud cry. “I’m sorry, forgot with the worry about the creature here, you must’ve had a terrible time.” Her arms wrapped around you and another hand comforted your arm.
Regan pointed at one of the rooms and you nodded taking deep breaths to calm down again.
Announcing you were checking on the patients you started the round, it was so hard to see people hurt, some had been terribly attacked. You would need to make a trip to the city to see if you could get any medical supplies.
“Dinner time.” Lindsay announced in the room. Emmett was transferred to one of the rooms prepared to keep people until they healed. One of them complained of the extreme pain on his shoulder, the bone could be seen. “I’m sorry the menu is limited, but we have a few snacks for tomorrow.” She tried to cheer them up.
Emmett thanked her and took the food.
“Does she treat everybody like that?” He downed the glass of water.
“She said she’s sorry, okay? And she got her hands full with the attack, there’s no one else that can help her here, besides…” but she stopped midsentence.
“What?”
Lindsay looked nervously around. “She lost her only kid and today it would be her birthday.” Y/N entering the room made eye contact with her friend and then looked at Emmett, but she walked to the first bed. Lindsay looked at Emmett and pointed at him. “I didn’t tell you anything.”
“Thank you for helping me here today Linds.” You thanked her. Emmett was studying your every move.
She smiled at you and like every night, she answered: “I’ll be back in the morning to give them breakfast.”
Applying the remedy one by one until you reached Emmett’s bed you tried not to look him in the eyes. “Tea, made of California poppy and holy basil for sleep, you can throw it away when I leave.” You were glad to see the wound looked good.
“Can you make it double?” He tried to soften his tone, instantly feeling relief as you applied the ointment on his leg.
“No, that’s the only dose per day allowed.” It could cause the patient to sleep for over three days.
You seemed distant so he didn’t try to extend the conversation or make any other light joke, he limited himself to watch you work as he felt bad for saying that earlier, now you moved around him with your head down and he didn’t know if it was because of your daughter’s birthday or his comment.
***
Lindsay and a group of people from the island went with Regan to get supplies and move her family to the island, so you took care of the clinic on your own while someone else helped you with the food.
The following days were pretty much the same, you entered the room, checked the patients vitals, took notes, cleaned the injuries, applied different ointments and oils, checked people’s eyes, but when it came to him, you didn’t do it. He’d been able to stand up and with the help of a crutch, he started to walk around, it was a big step and he could see his leg looked so much better now.
Soon, he was offering to help around a little; hold people, carry a few things, he should’ve been resting, but he insisted on helping you out.
“Y/N help me!” A kid stormed into the clinic, he must’ve been around five.
“What happened Wes?”
“I climbed a tree and got a splinter.”
You crouched to see the child in the face and gently examined the lesion. “Oh, it hurts?”
“No… but Mom told me she would scold me in front of everybody if I climbed it again.”
You laughed for the first time and Emmett couldn’t help but stare at you and even smile at the sound of your laugh.
“There’s a banana in the kitchen, bring it to me.” Wes reappeared in seconds holding the fruit.
“Now, this is for you.” You peeled the banana and handed it to him, then took scissors from a drawer and started to make cuts in the peel.
Emmett looked at the interaction in silence, you were wrapping it around his finger. Wes was holding more than three quarters of the banana between the insides of his cheeks.
“Come and see me after dinner.” You asked and ruffled his hair.
“Fankiu.” He expressed with his mouth full and ran off the clinic.
“Let me guess… that’s ancient medicine too?” Emmett crossed his bad leg over the other knee.
“Yes, the enzymes will soften the skin and-” Glanced at Emmett, then you shook your head lightly. “Why do I waste my time explaining you this?”
Emmett waved his hand at you standing up, he tried to reach you. “No, it’s okay that was… quiet fascinating.” Suddenly he was close to you, his intense gaze making you forget how to breathe properly.
Accidentally or not, his fingers brushed your arm, sending mini shocks through your body. Taking a step back you announced you needed to make the second round of the day with the patients. Avoiding looking into his eyes.
***
Emmett felt sick of listening to Howie’s story of how he invented a mini floating donut for the drinks at the pool for the seventh time, his leg still hurt, but the wound was completely closed by now.
Every time he tried to talk to you or ask you something about your medicine methods, you seemed to brush it off, trying not to engage too much in the conversation, and he had tried everything; where did you go to college, how long have you been living in the island, how did you learn so much about plants and their healing properties… but nothing seemed to work.
It was almost as if you were walking on ice around him and the more you tried to stay away from him, the more he felt being pulled in towards you.
One more time while helping you hold a patient’s arm, he tried some small talk only to be left right there with an apology hanging in the air waiting to be said.
Someone brought him a few things for saving her son, and even invited him to the fire they’d be lighting that night, every Saturday everybody got together to sing songs or share their stories around a big fire next to the beach.
At first, he refused the invitation, but then he thought it would be a good opportunity to talk to you. Of course, the crouch made it ten times harder to walk on the beach and by the time he made it to the fire he felt so tired, groaning he sat on an empty tree trunk, a man offered him some hot tea, perfect for the chilly night outside. Looking around, he found you a couple of meters away… you were smiling as you listened to whatever it was a woman was saying.
For some reason, he couldn’t take his eyes off of you. Was it just gratitude? Or some kind of spell you did with your herbs?
As you finally waved the woman goodbye, your eyes found his across the fire, only to look away seconds after that. He saw you touching the gold butterfly you wore around your neck, then you moved a lock of hair behind your ear and your eyes found him again.
Emmett raised his cup in your direction and you waved a little your hand.
Finding a hidden courage inside of him, he got up and walked towards you, crouch included.
“Can I join you?” You were surprised, but nodded anyways.
“So… they do this every weekend?” He forced himself to look away from your face.
“Sometimes.” You held the cup between your hands tightly. “Today was special to say goodbye to our leader.”
A couple of people wished you goodnight, some others left the fire in silence.
“Sorry I missed it, I wasn’t sure of coming.”
“Why not?”
“Well, I don’t know anyone but you and… you don’t seem to be comfortable with me.”
“Emmett…” Would you ever be able to tell him that his eyes reminded you of Maddie’s?
“It’s alright, I was a bit rude to you.” He put his hand over your arm and turned a little to face you. “My leg is much better… I’m sorry I doubted you. I was wrong and you were right.”
His words were honest, his apology genuine. “I should’ve trusted you from the beginning and-”
Maybe it was the moonlight, or the fire, or his words. Maybe it was everything, but you placed your free hand over his, still on your other arm. “It’s alright, no hard feelings… And I’m sorry too for not treating you gently.”
“That’s going to cause a permanent damage you know?” His voice sounded so different in the jokingly tone.
“You can sue me, if you want. There must be a lawyer around.” You followed him in the same lighted tone. “Thank you for your help in the clinic these days.”
“I’d prefer more of that tea you make to sleep at night as payment, thank you.”
Shaking your head you wondered why something so simple was making you smile more than you had since you arrived.
“It’s getting cold… should we go back inside?” You could feel his eyes on you at times, and when you looked at him, he would look in the opposite direction.
“Yes.” Helping him up he supported his weight on the crouch as the two of you walked back again into the house.
You walked at his pace, trying not to hurry him up, he was still in pain but he tried to hide it. He tried to be strong.
“What you did to stop the creature was remarkable.”
“Regan did the hardest part.” He should take more credits for it, but he was so hard on himself.
“I knew this would work…” You started to say while applying the ointment for the wound on his leg, it was healing fast. “Because I used it to heal myself first.”
Emmett looked at you with those expressive eyes full of questions.
“I was camping when the invasion happened, the creature leaves a burning sensation on the skin and sometimes I still feel like its tearing me apart over and over.”
He wondered where were you attacked, but he let you open yourself to him.
“Sorry, you probably don’t want to talk about this.” Your voice trailed off, standing up you tried to walk around the couch where Emmett was sitting, but he stopped you with both hands firmly on your wrists.
“I don’t, but you sound like you need to.” His eyes urged you to continue.
“I still remember that day, the images keep playing in the back of my mind.” Slowly you walked into the kitchen to place in the sink the bowl you used with him.
And that’s when he saw the scars the creature left on your back, starting from the back of your shoulder, across your back, the rest of it was covered by your dress. The permanent mark of your fight against the creature, the memory of survival.
Supporting his bad leg on the crouch, he followed you into the kitchen, not knowing what to do or say to make you feel better.
“I’m sorry about your daughter.” He whispered trying to comfort you.
Touched by his words, you nodded unable to say anything back.
But he was overwhelmed as well, he had learned to deal with his pain alone, bottle it inside, there was no one to talk to, no one to hold onto… Until now.
“It’s not your fault.”
“Of course it is… I was supposed to protect her!”
“You did your best.” Was he telling you that or himself?
Your tears were right there, threatening to fall any second. “How can you say that? You barely know me.”
“You remind me so much of my old self… and I keep blaming myself for not doing more for my son.”
His sincerity hit you hard. Understanding that you shared the same pain, that you went through the same.
Both of you lost a piece of yourself, your lighthouse, your reason to live.
Yet, every minute after the invasion felt like a new chance to start all over again.
Arms found their own way around each other, it felt so natural, so right. It was the most liberating hug the two of you had felt.
The comfort Emmett was giving you was something you couldn’t put into words. But truth is, without knowing, you were giving him pretty much the same.
***
Next part
A/N: what do you think? Would you like to see more of this story or should it just be a one shot?
Tag list: @lyarr24 @runnning-outof-time @cloudofdisney @gretelshelby @theshelbyslimited @allie131313 @imichelle-l-rigby @datewithgianni @sloanexx @peaky-cillian @lespendy @cillmequick
#That’s what Cill said#cillian x emmett#emmett a quiet place#Emmett imagine#a quiet place fanfic#Emmett aqp2#emmett x reader#Emmett x you#cillian murphy x y/n#cillian murphy fan fiction#cillian murphy smut#cillian murphy x reader#Emmett a quiet place two#Emmett a quiet place sequel
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the ask game stuff..001 for N nd doll (giggles
GO FUCK YOURSELF .
but thank uou... anime berdly emoji . ill answer...FOR NOW
001 | send me a ship and I will tell you:
when I started shipping it if I did: VERY RECENTLY ACTUALLY id say within the last like two weeks. ive always loved doll and always loved n but then i realized like. oh huh i connect alot with n and want to make out with doll . boom. its like borderline selfship at this point its cringe as fuck but let me do whatever i want.
my thoughts: surprisingly i don't have as many thoughts on them as i did but i feel like. because of how much of a foil doll is to uzi i think thats the word it would be like. IDK i feel like for doll it'd help to understand the 'humanity' of the dds. if she witnesses a disassembly drone killing war machine trip over his own tail or bump his head into a doorframe and wince and laugh and talk and hug with gentle arms and do things that she specifically reprogrammed herself NOT to do so she'd have a better chance to kill her worst enemy and avenge her parents... she would short circuit.
to actually get to the point of not killing him on sight would take a while or lots of coercing via ... lizzy? or hell maybe even uzi im not sure. unless they had an individual encounter (which, you know, could totally happen! doll out in the wastes and n is on a solo hunt, you know her ass was following them.) that lead to a stalemate, i'm not sure how they'd even meet. HM OK NOW IM THINKING ABOUT THIS. either way tho n has a habit of befriending insane drones (or like... smoochin depending on how you see enzi tho i see them as platonic) and i think he could. Not fix her but he could be there for her bless. and again i think she could help him be not a doormat 💛 also stupid hc i had aboit them i hv always thought doll to have like... a freakishly good memory. which, works perfectly paired with n because like .you know. his memory prahblems . dolls ass can remember the angle of your arm when you were like fucking sitting on a chair on the 13th of april last year or some shit like she PAYS ATTENTION even if she doesn't often share her input... which is also a good thing bcos n is super inclusive always. n voice DOLLLL LOOK WE ARE DOING A THING!!!! :D & shes just like. sighs okay (comes ova 2 him) and eventually.. i think itd get to the point where she can go do shit on her own without being explicitly invited YAY
What makes me happy about them:
gotta bring up the Me & My Wife shit again bcos its borderline selfship at this point. i just think its interesting and awesome I REALLY HOPE THEY HAVE AN INTERACTION... tho i doubt it; i think they might fight or smt in ep 7 WHICH HONESTLY I WOULDNT BE SAD ABOUT my goil needs moe screenrtime
What makes me sad about them: doll probably hasnt experienced like. affection in fucking ages & frankly n really hasnt either. i think they'd hold hands and talk about their kill counts. also i just realized they both kind of went thru a period of time tht was little socialization only KILL. doll had school & lizzy, sure, but also living in an apartment with ur parents' & dozens of others' corpses its like. tht fucks w u. but the interesting thing about them is… n and doll don't experience guilt over Killing And Eating People the same way i think. like. just for example v and uzi do (atleast in my perception). like v couldnt cope with the knowledge she had so she fell extra EXTRA hard into her role (atleast using her maid self as an accurate portrayal of her old self) and uzi has never ever experiuenced anything like that before so its fucking terrifying to her. however, with doll and n… they dont percieve it the same way. we understand that both of them are capable of guilt but it takes a very strong connection for them to experience it. ep one; n feels bad for making uzi argue with khan & ruining the card game. does he say a single thing about killing and eating half a dozen workers? No! because it's natural to him. there's nothing out of the ordinary in that situation except for the fact that he was "rude" by interrupting someone & "rude" by causing an argument. yes, he's very sweet and patient and all of the above but he doesn't see killing as really a BAD THING… he sees it as a necessity; as him being useful, higher numbers means hes doing a good job. but, really, that's all he's known. he doesn't remember being a worker. after meeting uzi he's capable of realizing… oh, these are living creatures! i feel a little bad now. but the guilt doesn't come crashing down onto him and leave him utterly devastated at his kill count, it just sits there. it festers. similarly, in my opinion, to how doll reacts to guilt. we see her as this unstoppable force at every point until the end of promening. she knows her goals, she knows what she has to do to get to them, and has shaped herself into the perfect killing machine to do what she needs, removing all forms of guilt from her person to make sure it doesn't get in the way. though, again, it comes bubbling to the surface back from where she buried it so deeply under all her anger when uzi pops her emo little head in. she isnt instantly all "oh my god, what have i done?" but it eats away at her all of this fucking time, she has been killing and hurting her kind, believing she was the only one who could possibly shoulder this burden and deal justice to those who deserved it. but now that she knows she isn't alone… it festers.
things done in fanfic that annoys me: i've seen like three n/doll fics literally EVER but i'd honestly say. major mischaracterization of doll... i feel like doll gets mischaracterized more than n? n's behaviours are easy to understand and read with a surface level understanding because he has more screentime and again ON THE SURFACE looks relatively simple. i think a huge thing in some fanfics that bugs me is that. imitation of speech patterns = perfect characterization WHICH IS NOT TRUE... but also understandably makes it difficult to do with doll because she doesn't talk alot, while N talks a LOT so it leads to a heavy imbalance in mischaracterization. just because the characters would fucking say that, doesnt mean they would Fucking Do That
apparently there is a word limit on tumblr. pleasantly surprised this will be two posts instead
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The Lemon Legacy: Generation 1, Chapter 30 - Now and Zen
Ophelia signs her Tartosa friends up for a 6 AM yoga class at a spa in a neighboring town and, because they're the best friends on earth, they agree to go. They've got the Pizzazz wedding gig coming up, so they need to be in the zone!
Ophelia has a little more experience than her friends.
Drew is a pretty confident person, but they're not confident they won't fall flat on their face during some of these moves.
Instructor: Just follow at your own pace.
Moses: If I was at my own pace, I'd still be in bed.
Being ambitious, Ophelia sometimes struggles when she's not automatically the best at something.
Ophelia: Must… be zen… even if… it kills me.
Moses: muttering Or us. Ow!
They're all really good at child's pose, at least.
Despite not being the best at it yet, they do have to admit that they enjoyed themselves. Maybe Ophelia was right, this wellness stuff could do them all some good.
Ophelia: Oh, what now? Face mask or workout?
Drew: Uh, wasn't the whole point of this to relax?
Ophelia: Self-improvement IS relaxing!
Ophelia is efficient and decides to go with a face mask AND a workout.
Ophelia: You're a strong, confident woman. You have great friends here and in Willow Creek. The awkwardness with Libby will pass someday. Right now, focus on being the best you! You're gonna kick life's ass!
Xander: What up, Casper?
Drew: Haha. I need a mask, and a drink, to make me forget how tired I am. Ophelia's self improvement kick is great and all, but that yoga class kind of kicked my ass.
Moses: Don't act like you also didn't click yes to that Wellness liking popup
Xander: Should we be concerned? Seems like she's hardly let herself have a free moment since the break up.
Drew: I think Ophelia's just like that, dude.
Moses: You know how ambitious Sims are, mate. Keeping busy is how they cope.
Xander: I guess you're right.
Xander can't help but interrupt her boxing.
Xander: Come on, Lemon Cake. Time to take five. Don't want to wear yourself out for tomorrow.
Ophelia: I don't want to.
Xander: What if I said please real cute like with this face?
Ophelia: I'd say no, real ugly like with this face.
Xander: I might have to start calling you Sour Lemon with that mean mug.
That gets Ophelia to cut the act and let out a laugh.
Xander: I knew you couldn't resist! No one can resist this face!
Ophelia: Shut up! Fine, I'll take a break, you dork. Let's check out the pool.
Before they can swim…
Xander: Listen, you're doing okay, right?
Ophelia: Why wouldn't I be?
Xander: You've got the garden you told us about and all this wellness stuff you're getting into. That's great and all, I just want to make sure you're not using it as a distraction.
Ophelia: Distraction?
Xander: I know some Sims throw themselves into new projects to distract themselves when life gets rough. I know that because I'm one of those Sims. If you need someone to talk to, we're here for you if it's too weird to talk to your other friends about.
Ophelia: I appreciate it Xander, but I'm really just trying to better myself. Two of my friends had a baby recently, and it really put things into perspective. There's so much I want to do before, and after, I have kids, so I'm trying to become the future mom my kids deserve
Xander: If my parents and Hilary had your wellness knowledge, they would have probably had an easier time dealing with me as a kid.
Ophelia: Ha!
Xander: For what it's worth, I think you'd be a great mom now, but you've got plenty of time to get even better.
Ophelia: Thanks.
Ophelia: One thing about me, when I get knocked down I don't stay down for long.
Xander: That makes one of us. When things ended with my last partner-
Ophelia: Oooh, I'm getting some exclusive Xander Lore?
Xander: Not anymore, Lady Interrupts-A-Lot.
Xander may be a goofball, but he's clearly a good guy, as well. Ophelia's glad she has someone like him in her corner.
I didn't manage to get screenshots of it but she stole two things during the time she was at this spa. Look at her smug face. You can't keep getting away with this forever, young lady!
#The Sims#The Sims 4#The Sims 4 Legacy#The Lemon Legacy#TS4#The Sims 4 gameplay#sims 4#generation 1#ophelia#xander#drew#moses
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the raven boys (blue included) & gender headcanon, random headcanon, and also your favorite headcanon about each of em
edit i just realized i misread this so favorite and random are all piled into one 😌
mags i owe you my LIFE i've been trying to get asks all day 😭
also love this one bc you know i have gender hcs for all of them
ok so!
for blue:
gender: i saw a fic once where blue was amab but her moms like, knew psychically that she would be trans and just raised her very like neutrally gender-wise and i love that. anyway i hc blue as nonbinary transfem
favorite hc: ok i have my many mental health hcs for all the gangsey including! all of them are autistic but blue was the only one raised in a house that was 1) also nd 2) knowledgeable about autism and 3) like, positive, about it? like accepting and encouraged stimming and helpful coping mechanisms and such. yknow. like decent parents would. related to this i think she would teach the rest of the gangsey healthy coping mechanisms and how to like, embrace their autism. and like makes/finds them little fidget toys and such.
ALSO i think she takes them all thrifting. (i'm """writing""" a fic about that but it's uhhh. not goin alsksls)
OH OH ALSO she uses forearm crutches she's hypermobile (like me) :3
gansey:
gender: i think for a while gansey is the Token CisTM friend of the group before having a HUGE gender crisis and figuring out he's genderfluid.
favorite: i think that when gansey, blue, and henry go on their roadtrip gansey grows his hair out. i also think that blue lets him try out one of her chew necklaces and he ends up always having one with him to chew on when he's reading
ronan:
gender: oh you just KNOW this boy's trans. he's full of rage, secrets, AND he shaved his head. he's transmasc. and i know 100% that niall was shitty about it and aurora was so accepting but very confused. declan pays for his hormones/top surgery but other than that they don't talk about it. matthew always finds little trans colored things to give to ronan.
favorite: as always, he's autistic. i think when blue first brings it up he gets really upset (so do adam and gansey when she talks to them but ronan gets particularly riled by it) but blue just starts listing out all the symptoms and after stewing in it for awhile ronan goes and talks to her about it. or OR maybe noah calms him down and tells him he's also autistic and helps hin come to terms.
ALSO ronan and blue are absolute besties but they'll NEVER admit it. i also think blue ronan and noah have a groupchat for memes and making fun of gansey and lusting over him and adam. any time blue mentions henry ronan starts spamming the murder squash song
oh ALSO blue gets him a chew bracelet and he thinks it's so stupid until he finds himself just gnawing on it constantly
adam:
gender: either transmasc or amab nonbinary <3
favorite: oh he def has trauma related to being an autistic child in an abusive home. he's so fucking repressed oh my god this boy has not stimmed openly in so fucking long. he would take five minutes before school in his room to stim like mad and then that was it for the day (this isn't what i used to do i'm not projecting what-)
also he has chronic pain related to nerve damage <3
also he's bipolar and ocd because i said so <3
noah:
gender: nonbinary!!!!! agender!!!!!!!!! also not gender but!!! aro! ace! noah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
favorite: oh god ok. he's my favorite so. he's committed to the bit first and foremost. i think he loves cats and that a stray starts hanging around monmouth and noah just LOVES them. when he was alive he was a red and black flannel, red converse, and backwards baseball hat kinda guy. buttons everywhere. he loves glitter (canon but still). i think he loves thrifting w blue and picking out the ugliest clothes to make her laugh. i think he's the only one besides her that already knew he was autistic and i think he family was kind but not very informed so they just paid for fancy tutors and shit. he loves stimming esp vocally and anything that clicks. he's a cuddler even though he's so so cold. he loves cheese but is lactose intolerant. he FREAKED when he heard mcr came back like i think he prolly busted all the lights in monmouth. he's the friend that's always cold (ik he's cold bc hes a ghost but he was always cold when he was alive too). he loves stimming with crunchy glitter slime. also i think he prolly had to wear a knee brace from a skateboarding injury
ok i have been typing since i got the notif about your ask so i'ma wrap this up and i'll prolly rb and add henry onto this later
ily and thank you so so SO much for the ask <3333333
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ship asks (gonna go stranger things w this one): steddie, elmax, and byler
I answered already for Steddie (a soft ship it), but as for these others...
Elmax
Ship it
1) What made you ship it?
I love the idea of Max being one of the first people to expand Eleven's horizons and treat her normally/see beyond the fact that she has superpowers. The Material Girl Mall Scene is one of my favorite scenes in the entire show since it's just a good, fun time. Eleven's first taste of real freedom and fun. They also just compliment each other well since El's more softspoken whereas Max is more boistrous.
To be clear, I also hardcore ship Lumax, but Elmax just has something about it that makes me very happy.
2) What are your favorite things about the ship?
Again, the complimentary personalities and girls backing up girls. Also just... this. I don't know if this is just a normal thing, but I wouldn't get this cozy with my closest friends that I've known for fifteen plus years, let alone a few days.
3) What's an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?
Honestly I try to stay clear of ST shipping discussions so I don't know what's really a "popular" vs an "unpopular" opinion. Idk I'll just say that I think it's really close to or on the same level as Lumax (but again I loooove Lumax)
---
Byler (oh boy lol)
Ship It
(But I don't lose my mind over it)
1) What made you ship it?
I mean, in my opinion it's very obvious that there's tension there. Will absolutely has a crush on Mike but can't say it, and Mike, bless his heart, is too fucking oblivious to realize that or that his own feelings for Will seem to go far beyond that of his other friends. Also just like... I love Will and the poor kid deserves to have something he really wants, even if he's not really sure how to cope with it.
2) What are your favorite things about the ship?
The best friends dynamic is cute, it's an idea that makes Will happy, and I love how every time, without fail, my roommate and I see any blue-and-yellow object(s), we call it "The Byler [Object(s)]. So my bike is the Byler Bike since it's blue and yellow and we always tried to get a blue bowl and a yellow bowl at the dining hall (one had the blue, one had the yellow) so we could have Byler Bowls. Byler brings people together.
3) Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?
I think I'll get sniped for like... any semi critical Byler opinion bc half-offense (as opposed to full or no offense) some of y'all are fucking crazy, so I'll just say one since I probably have a couple. Mike Wheeler doesn't deserve Will Byers because he gets too swept up in Eleven to understand that his friend is going through shit, which isn't condusive for a healthy relationship.
I have a lot of opinions on Mike and his relationships with Will and Eleven in general and I want to make it clear that I don't hate Mike, or anything close. I think Mike's just not quite emotionally mature enough to handle relationships yet, especially ones with so many complexities as Will and Eleven. I have/had the same problem, so I'm not chastizing him, I'm saying I'm the same way and I see the signs.
Mike's too tunnel-visioned on Eleven to give proper attention to Will, and this can coexist with the fact that Mike's just not the right one for El since I think he's tunnel-visioned on her abnormalities of her rather than the normalcies that should be celebrated, which is where Mileven and Elmax differ for me. In my opinion, Eleven wants as close to a normal life as she can get after all the shit she's gone through, and I don't think Mike really seems to understand that.
I don't wanna do a whole analysis post because one, this is just an ask game; two, many people with more knowledge on the subject have done this before me; and three, this is not my circus, not my monkeys, Stranger Things ships aren't my expertise, the Creels and HNL are.
But tl;dr, neither Byler nor Mileven are currently viable because Mike needs more time to mature and develop before he himself can understand what he wants. The kid's a freshman in high school dealing with supernatural world ending threats every few months, I wouldn't be able to function normally either.
#that was a long answer to a very short question I'm very sorry#fishgills speaks#ask games#ship ask games#stranger things ships#shipping asks#my inbox is open
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Lumi lore ending explained
Hi everyone! I want to make a post addressing my experience w mental illness in the past year(s)
It's going to be a very long post but before I get into it, I want you to know that I'm more or less happy with where I'm at currently! I just want to talk about my mental illness and what it's been like for the past year or so
If you're not interested in that just skip this post okay ty <3
TW: suicide, mentions of self-destructive behavior
- - -
This is gonna be a long ride so strap in pals. I should also clarify I don't know the technical terms that would apply to my situation. I don't want a diagnosis on this, I just want to talk about it.
Let's talk about Cyrus. If you know me, you probably know that I've been obsessed with the guy for a little over a year now.
It goes past the point of obsession. He lives with me. And he has, for the past year, mentally.
I like to think of him as my "mental aid" or sometimes even my "caretaker". I don't consider him a "fictional other", although I suppose the nature of our relationship might look that way to someone else.
Already this is a lot to take in, but allow me to explain.
I have had a history, since about 2019 or so, of having fictional characters reside with me inside my head. It started out as just talking to characters, like any imaginary scenario. But then it grew to be more.
I would talk with them about everything going on in my life, live out entire storylines with them, and it got to the point where they would advise me in what to do with my life.
There were two other characters before Cyrus. Characters rarely exist simultaneously. Before Cyrus, characters would only be present for a few months, then disappear for a few months, then come back or be replaced with another character. That new person would stay for a few months, and the cycle would continue.
These characters were there to help me. To guide me, to serve as my subconscious and voice of reason.
And to provide emotional support when I needed it and felt I couldn't confide in anyone who was real. This often led to a sense of closeness and to me developing emotional attachment to the characters, to the point of even seeing them as "fictional others".
I knew the characters were not real. I know they are not real, were never real, and will never be real. However, I still choose to rely on them and develop relationships with them.
It is not normal. It is not conventional. I am fully well aware that they are not real. But at the end of the day, it's my mental illness, and this is the coping mechanism that helps me the most.
Cyrus has been around for over a year now. He has not taken a break for a few months, he has not waivered, he has not left for any reason. This makes him extremely different from the previous characters that have been in my mind.
Cyrus is with me pretty much every second of the day. He is my guide and advisor in life. He serves as my voice of reason and as a reflection of my own self.
We've only ever been apart for maybe a few hours at a time. I spend most of the day talking to him about anything really, we do everything together, and he helps me, all the time.
Separating him from me would, in all honesty, probably kill me.
I have not been well. My circumstances are awful, to put it lightly. I'm severely mentally ill and unable to get any sort of therapy or medication due to the aforementioned circumstances.
Without Cyrus to help me, I would probably give into the suicidal urges that I struggle with every day.
He advises me and takes care of me. He helps me see reason when I'm lost in paranoia and irrationality. He calms me down when my anxiety is high. He does pretty much everything.
My brain functions in a highly specific way, and he has all the knowledge to be able to deal with it.
I cannot stress enough how dysfunctional I would be without him. He likes to put it a certain way.
"Most people can function on their own with little to no help. [Lumi] is someone who requires a lot of help. He does not have any way of getting the help that he needs naturally. That is why he relies on me. It is abnormal and unconventional, as he likes to put it. Yes, it is indeed very unconventional. However, nothing about him is conventional." -Cy
"What he's dealing with is difficult to explain. But we have tried just about everything. He firmly believes that this is what's best for him, and so do I. It may be unconventional, but it is not inherently horrible. It may be hard for others to understand, but this is his life. It is different, but it is his "normal"." -Cy
"And I should clarify, if any of this posed actual harm to him, I would cease it all in an instant." -Cy
In the past year of having Cyrus by my side, life has been a lot easier for me to manage. It took a while for us to get used to working together, but we figured it out eventually. It took a lot of trial and error!
But a few months ago, everything just got...easier. Not in terms of life! God no, my life is. Not getting easier, haha. But! I'm getting better at managing it.
I've improved on meeting my basic needs, which is something I used to struggle with. I have a lot more energy than I did last semester, and I've been way more productive, which I'm happy about.
Life hasn't gotten easier, but it's more doable. I'm managing my emotions better, particularly my stress, which is great, cause that was a huge problem for me previously! I'm also better at managing my depression.
Basically my bad days are a lot less bad than they used to be, and my good days are way better than before! And I assure you, I could not have done it without Cyrus' help.
It's a little unnerving, talking about it publicly. But that's how mental illness is. The experience is always gonna be odd, but I really wanted to explain what's going on w Cy! He's become such an important part of my life and I could not do any of this without him.
Like, I seriously could not live without him.
Oh, and as reassurance, I wanna clarify. My attachment is to him as a person (concept?) inside my head, not the character so much. So like, it wouldn't be the end of the world if he had a scout in pokemas that I didn't get or something like that.
I don't even own merch of him, actually! The closest thing I have is a team galactic phone ring, which. Broke. Lol
I am planning on buying his TCG Collector's deck (which releases later this month !) but even then I'm not about to go merch crazy over him
Basically my attachment to him shouldn't prove to be a detriment to my real life in any way shape or form.
Trust me, I have a lot of experience with this. I havs had it get unhealthy with certain characters. It has been severely mitigated with Cyrus. This is as healthy as it gets for me, I assure you.
If you knew what the past ones were like, you would definitely agree. But I don't feel comfortable sharing that bc it was uber fucked up lol!
I wouldn't be posting about this if it weren't successful for me personally. I'm confident in it because it's been a year and I've been observing it closely.
Do I think Cyrus is a great idea? Yea! If things are difficult for you to do for some mental reason or another, having a favorite character there to help you can make a world of difference! But would I recommend doing this sort of thing? It depends. You really have to exercise a good level of control over it. If you're going to have the character helping you, there has to be boundaries for them that they can't overstep in attempting to help you, otherwise it goes downhill REALLY fast.
I don't think it's the sort of thing that most people could replicate because it all relies on the specific rule system that my brain functions by. And my brain is rigid with its rules. Rules are rules, so if they're set, they're not likely to be broken in my case. This isn't the case for most people. It's not really a self-control thing for me either, it's more like I couldn't break the rules even if I really wanted to. They would have to be changed or I would have to be granted permission. It's a long story.
It is important to note that Cyrus really is a mental aid to me. A caregiver in a sense. He will make me take care of myself even if I don't want to. He does battle my self-destructive urges and negative thoughts constantly. His ultimate goal is to make me do what's best for me even if I really don't want to.
And honestly, I need it a lot of the time. Sometimes I really don't want to do things that are good for me. I'm a bit childish in that way. So having Cyrus like, drag me to the bathroom to brush my teeth for example, is really necessary sometimes.
He helps in bigger ways than that too ofc but that would take a LOT of explaining and this is already fairly incoherent. If you have any questions you can absolutely ask and I can try to explain it to the best of my ability!
Ummm what else did I have to say about this. Oh. The awkward part abt him being an "f/o" of sorts.
He's not real so my relationship with him isn't real. I know that. Still, I got feelings for him. That's all there is to it, really. You might see me treat him as a real significant other.
You don't have to remind me that he's not real. I know he isn't. But my feelings are real and I would appreciate it if they were respected.
I can't really think of anything else to add? If you're curious, no, I don't get hallucinations of him or anything like that. He doesn't impede on the real world, he only exists in my imagination. He's like an imaginary friend! If an imaginary friend was like, super intelligent I guess?
Idk. But he helps me, and I'm grateful for him. And I wanted to talk about mental illness a little. It is never easy and I'm convinced it will never be easy. But he makes it more manageable. He takes care of me and looks out for me. Even if it's just me looking out for myself, I could not do it "on my own" like most people can.
Also I don't think he's an alter or anything like that. There's a certain degree of separation between us. I am not Cyrus and he is not me. He just happens to reside with me in. My body. None of this makes sense does it. Point is he can't like front or anything but you can like speak to him I guess? It's more like me relaying messages for him tho
This is a really complex thing that my mind has developed over the years so there's a LOT I'm leaving out again if you're curious plz just ask I love talking abt it
#This is probably RIDDLED with mistakes and incoherencies hut I have been meaningto write this for.#Like. A week or so.#I want you guys to meet Cyrus idk#mecore#Nonrebloggable but all explanations will go in the comments
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Reaction to Matilda The Musical on Netflix
This is a completely live writtwn reaction, my opinion may change after watching it (*cough* school for good and evil *cough*), and my only knowledge of Matilda is that one movie where Ms.Trunchbull throws that one girl by the pigtails.
Warnings: Spoilers, swearing, caps, 0 context given
sonny boiii
Pretty pony
How many logos are in this thing
Why is there a Wonka bar?
I get that it's Roald Dahl but why didn't they have a picture of the book Matilda and then open it so it says Roald Dahl instead of a Wonka bar? This isn't Charlie and the Choco Factory bruv
I like the music right after that happens its like a music box
Oh thats a cute quote
Oh this is so cute the little baby kids
I like this song so far, they're praising their kids while still being like "Yeah it's a bit rude for us to say our baby is better but look! They're raising their fist slightly! Adorable!"
Ok the children voices at the beginning were like raw like an actual child singing (like not an actor kid yanno?) But now it's all harmonized and very pretty
A whole song about parents loving their kids saying their miracles and the first line is "I'm not having a baby" lol
Perfect timing and I love the cinematography all the parents walking down the hall in the center of the camera with their babies
Is she the judge from a series of Unfortuanate Events? Go off queen, deny your pregnancy
Stop singing this woman is giving birth bruv! Your a doctor get back in your scrubs!
wow the most common thing in life is life? Wowwww
Ok Rafiki, put down the baby this ain't Lion King
"My son is a girl?" Parents when their mtf kid comes out the closet
But the balloons say boy! Give that baby sex change surgery right now doctor! Get the hormones started early!
Mrs.Wormwood looks traumatized lmao I love her
you can tell their good singers that are being bad on person to fit their characters and I love it
Also the way the Missus is holding the baby like it's a big burrito and not a fragile human life? It sends me, it's giving soon-to-be-dropped child
Mister W really said winky dink like that's a term anyone uses lmao
I love this set it's so cool the stacks, the choreography is so cool
Many kids: My mommy says I'm a miracle! straight to Just Matilda: My mummy says I'm a lousy little worm, I love the juxtaposition
Especially that everything in the other scene was orderly and clean and kinda minimalist and bright and now it's like reality it's a bit messy it's kind of empty almost despite being full of stuff while the other place was only filled with people but could otherwise be called empty
Is she on top of a food truck?
Oh it's a pop up library
Oh yeah my parents LOVE me at home. Live your fantasies hun, hope the coping mechanism works until you can get some proper therapy
I love the conflict with the parents
Not the complete misinterpretation of a very simple quote Mr.W you are something else
They said homeschooling and I think the school inspector and who I assume from the preview Netflix shows is Ms.Honey are immediately like "oh... is that so..."
They can clock that these two have a combined iq of 4
"What do you teach her" "Make up and welding" wow well that sure follows the school curriculum
Also it just hit me now that Mr.W called Matilda a boy like she hasn't been a girl for... what 10 years? Idk how old she is
Aw Ms.Honey and Matilda first interaction
School-schooled
Intense wow your really selling school school
Matilda you ducking nerd
Ms.H rides a bike? Why didn't the school inspector offer her a ride? Smh chivalry is dead
Did it ever occur to them they could put her up for adoption? I know the system can be fucked and im no expert but I think it might be better for her rather than living with 2 parents who literally say she ruins their life. Like they don't have an aunt or uncle to pawn her off on?
I love this song, it's so matilda
Girl your talking about how their fates are inevitable because they were written for them and then your questioning why the characters with no free will aren't changing their story? Hun I thought you were smart?
Ok unnecessary cartwheels
A little bit naughty? Sounds like foreshadowing to a song we all know from tiktok. Is Matilda gonna be red beret girl or something? Or is this a repeated line? I think it's the latter
Imagine Matilda cuts and dyes her hair, I'd scream lol
Not the sneaking into the parents bedroom to jump on the bed
Bear it as she falls into a pile of bears, that's wonderful
This seems to be a very pink, plushie filled room. It seems like the room Marilda would've gotten if her parents gave a shit about her
THE BLEACH
GIRL YOURE FONNA FALL GET DOWN
GET OFF THE ROOF
Why is his hair green? Shouldn't it be blond
Gymnastics star Matilda with the walking handstand
Superhero pose!
Sneaky little one
Shes making up a story on her way to school what a cutie
I love this library lady she's so nice
Ok this story is not as cute as it was when she was just making up a Lil love story
That's a long ass title for a circus trick, kinda gives away what the trick is but Matilda is a child so that's understandable
Like they literally went insane cause they didn't have a baby
"Don't get in trouble" says library lady. "Unless it'd be a good thing" says Matilda. She may be a girl but she's got balls
Oh the little newt how precious
If anything, you know. No I don't know
Red beret!
Ok French tragedy calm down
I saw this song on tiktok too, as a promo for the movie
These kids are so good ohmigod
I love the use of the alphabet and how it's very natural and not forced and it's literally just repeating the first half but now they're pointing out the letters
The one girl in the window making the cutting off the head motion lmao
I recognize Marildas little friend I think
Why are these kids in the boiler room?
Lavender I think I remember her from the other movie
Nigel calm down its math you doing even have to do
Why are all the kids so keen on cleaning the board
Its like a holiday in your head, that great bit did the rest of the class manage to get the book your reading for school?
Also who tf reads Moby dick for fun Matilda your allowed to read fun books, get this girl a geronimo Stilton or two on me
An exception to the rules? Goddammit you just gave that girl a fucking death sentence
As evidenced by this song
Oh course this school has a color guard that trunchbull runs
I think it's a weird choice for her to be waving a white flag though, idk the significance in like color guard or flag waving or whatever but she never surrenders so I think a different color would've been better. Maybe red because of her aggression
Or green to match her military uniform that she's wearing despite her never bring in the military I think
OMG MR.W LOOKS LIKE AN OOMPA LOOMPA
THATS WHY THEY HAD THE WONKA BAR, HES GONNA GET RECRUITED TO THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY
Stip misgendering your daughter it's been ages since she was born
Lol him struggling to do the whole book at once
THE HAT AND THE GLUE YASSS GIRLIE
Big stupid, then struggles eith the lock
Telekinipsis
Pigtail girl and eater boy!
Not the chokey O.o
The chokey is a literal iron maiden in the woods, how is this legal? How did Trunchbull not get shut down
Matilda Wormwood, professional liar. Love it
All the kids immediately agreeing with Matilda is great
Wow if Trunchbull hates pigtails then she must hate that one kid dancer who has dreadlocks
Chrck and see if the kid is still alive, HOW IS SHE IN CHARGE OF A SCHOOL?!
A promise is a promise is a promise
That was such a good transition, so seamless
And straight to the carnival where the trick will be how great
Trunchbull as the evil step sister love
She finally has a child and they cancel the show ♡
But I'm sure the evil step sister will be doing something
I was right
Pit down the contract Ursula
A contract is a contract is a contract, I love callbacks
I thought she was gonna make them fall in the shark water but go off little miss letter of the law
Excuse me you're gonna have to wait til tommorow for the next bit, you don't have enough coins to buy the next episode early bitch
Art imitates life and Mrs.Phelps is catching onto Matildas shtick
Ok not only is she a genius and a storyteller and a gymnast but also a amazing artist? What's next? Is she the next Masterchef or something
Not me being jealous of a child
Did she just cross out the child of the acrobat and the escapologist? Is she gonna kill them? I love that for her
That food looks so gross and mushy and yuck
I think it's useful rice tho lol
Awww I love Ms.H she is the only one looking out for these children
She said move and they immediately dissembled the lunch table lmao
Ah yeah Matilda is truly the anti christ how dare she be smart
You have 2 choices, be punished or be punished
The belch heard around the world, you covered your mouth too late babe
Not the air bubble
Brucie boyyyyy your about to eat a fuck ton of cake baby Boi
Oh that actually looks very good, a very nice cake indeed
not the pact with Satan lmaoooo
Hunky this is a pact with beelzebub, learn your demons babe
Im getting thrown in the chokey for this
The dancing behind Trunchbulls back, so well choreographed and this song is so fun
Do they think his name is spelled Brooce?
Wtf lmao
These kids are so good
The cuts to Matilda who is clearly in a different place than all the dancing kids and her being stagnant is really setting her apart as the mc
I thought the cherry would hit trunchbull in the face but it went to Bruce instead
Ok calm down Ms.H, he didn't invent the cure for cancer, he got diabetes
you goddamnliar he ate that all
Yes Matilda tell her off! You're gonna get thrown in the chokey tho
Stop playing tug a war with a child
Stranger things have happened everybody thinks I'm crazyyyyy
Its getting to the point of the film where I don't have to pause every two minutes anymore
These kids singing about grown up things that actually are just teenage things
Most grown ups I know go to bed at like 9 and ngl, that's just my mom and one aunt
I like Ms.h having a verse for grown up I think it really shows how you're never grown up, cause your always growing even when you are an adult
I like all the call backs that Matilda makes while telling her story you can see how her life affects her story
THEY DID IT
nevermind
She died in childbirth omg Matilda you dark bitch I live for you
Wait is the acrobat Ms.H or am I racist
LETS CALL THE POLICE even if it's a story because it really is not
Youve lived with your parents for how long to not know they are cheats
Matilda I love you and your a child so I won't you insult you this time on this matter
I love her story, she's the escapologists daughter that's so cute
Shes got something to fear
Theres still an hour left in this and really the only development is in Matildas made up story but honestly this movie is interesting enough for me not to care.
The escapologist is a telekinetic and then he died in a car crash ig
She broke the trash can just like the escapologist did
I took a break here to go eat dinner so friendly reminder that you all should do that too
Actually fuck that here's a FORCEFUL reminder to EAT AND SUSTAIN YOUR BODY or else THE TRUNCHBULL will come and THROW YOU BY YOUR PIGTAILS >:(
wtf is going on
Ihhh their thanking her for standing up to trunchbull
The lights dim when she walks in the room
Thats right kids change in the middle of a public hall where anyone can see you, trunchbull is a pedophile for that
Ew that's so gross
Girl why are still wearing your pigtails she literally tried to kill you
DID SHE JUST SET OFF AN EXPLOSIVE OMG
SHE DID OHMIGOD WHO FUCKING HURT YOU BITCH
Ok no need to flex on the literal children
Just say you wanted the role of Ms.Hannigan from Annie and move on T
You can do that you look old enough to retire, go to the forest no one will miss you
Calm the duck down bitch they are like 4
The scoreboard with Agatha v Maggots is lovely detail
You tell her Ms.H! Cut her throat!
Yeah no shit she's wet it's raining
YOU FUCKING PYSCHO PUT HIM DOWN
Trunchbull should've been put down years ago on God
Someone call the police please
Hun your explaining overstimulation and unfortuanately you're trauma makes you involuntarily rip yourself away into your little castle on the cloud in order to cope
Code red code red someone get a therapist cause all these kids are gone need it cause when her balloon pops and she comes back to eatth trunchbulll is gonna kill Matilda and all these kiddos are gonna watch
She legit just threatened to tear apart that child someone call the cops
Theirs a newt in her panties
What Trunchybee you don't have a newt-in-the-knickers kink? Sad
Oh thats so embarrassing it's not- oh it is working
Everyone clap now, she lifted a cup! Thats not sarcasm, clap in your bedroom or bathroom or bus that your resding this in
Miss Honey is like, hm this bitch is a bit crazy but I'll go with it
Matilda keeps quoting people that feels neurodivergent somehow
Tuberculosis is an asshole for presenting her grieving niece with a fuckung bill, you know she was taking care of her everyday and writing in a notebook "she chewed the electrical cord that'll be 14 euros." Insgead of being like THE BABY IS CHEWING ON THE CORD OMG
TB killed Ms.Hs daddy oof
I just fell in love with this asbestos ridden, mice infected, dirty little shack with a roof that's might give in and end my misery at any time
The spirit of nick diramio is slowly possessing me
It may be enough but dare to dream bigger babe
This isn't your house this is your shack, I'm not being mean, she caled it a whack first
Ita a different little girl now, Matilda isn't the baby girl anymore
Maybe Ms.H is the daughter and that's why we're seeing these flashbacks
I FUCKING CALLED IT BITCHES
1 second before it happened I fucking called it
Trunchbull is gonna rip your head off baby girl listen to ms.h
Matilda first look at the chokey
Is she gonna kill chokey? She exploded the chokester ooh
Oh don't worry baby your the main character it's all gonna be OK
Practicing telekinesis on the way to school nice
Oh no not the only play structure
Whats with the sandbags? She's gonna hang the children isn't she
How do you know how to spell? We dont teach rhat until the 11th grade!
YOU FUCKING DUMB BITCH YOUR GONNA KILL A CHILD FOR YOUR FUCKING EGO
You go kiddos spell those words wrong fuck her up
You said rebellion when there wasn't one and now you've got one congrats.
Oh it was for the dramatic reveal of a fuckton of chokeys
Your fucking insane bitch
Maybe I should read the book this is crazy and I heard somewhere it's more accurate to the book than the other movie
GET HER MATILDA
Hang her like she wants to hang you
She made a monster version of Magnus! And he's destroying the chokeys ♡
We love to see it
Matilda fucking girlbossing out here
HER HAIR IS POGTAILS! How terrible shut tf up trunchbitch
HELL YEAH JENNY
Wait but where's the naughty song from tiktok it feels like that should've been part of the revolution but I guess it's the resolution song
Is Bruce wearing a fat suit? His body doesn't fit his legs or face its all just his stomach
Hun Trunchbull already left where you revolting now
The revolution is over it was all Matilda yall are a bit late
The misspelled words and I thought red beret would be more of a character instead she's just a dancer ig
I will say that this is a great number and I love it
I feel like the should've shown red beret get thrown in the chokey and then she would've felt like an actual character. Maybe she was trapped in there and Matilda got her out and then she exploded the chokey
Also pigtails should've changed hairstyles after being almost killed I get its her defining character trait but still she's just stupid to keep wearing them
He stills can't get his stupid hat off lol
I was thinking why is she sitting on the driving wheel side? Then I remembered this is British
HE SAID DAUGHTER?! OH MY GOD THERE IS A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING ♡♡♡
Ok well can you say it louder your standing 5 feet apart from everyone and no one can hear you
Awww she took off his hat ♡
So sweet
Wait what about her clothes and books and possessions? We saw she had a room chock full of them where did those go?
Tthe first check ms.h gets to keep is all going towards Matilda getting new clothes
Awww the babyhold
Shes telling library lady the rest of the story with its new happy ending
Trunchbull did not take good care of this house
Ew the big friendly school? Did you let the kids choose the name?
This feels like the part where I'm supposed to cry but I'm not getting the tears this emotional end feels like it's had not build up because there is no real scenes of honey and Matilda connecting, it's all just rushing from on point to another. Maybe it's cause I'm writing this commentary tho
Why is there a giraffe?
Overall this was a very cute, sweet, beautiful beautiful beautiful movie
All the songs were well sung and the actors were amazing
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