#and then i found out being aroace is a thing and boy did that add a lot of anxiety and confusion to the pot | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

schrijverr · 4 years

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Take the New Texas out of a boy

Jonny still carries a lot of internalized biases and prejudices against himself from growing up in New Texas, which wasn’t progressive. Aboard the Aurora he undergoes a journey of self-discovery in a safe space.

This started as ‘Ooh, wait! What if Jonny wears a corset’ and it somehow ended up as ‘Jonny deals with internalized homophobia, internalized misogyny and self esteem issues, figures out his gender expression, which finally leads to a Jonny centric polycule’

On AO3

Ships: Jonny/ Tim, Ashes, Marius and Brian, but the focus ismore focused on the frienship between Jonny & Ashes & Tim while he discovers himself

Wanrings: homophobia, internalized homophobia, internalized misogyny and self esteem issues. Tell me if I missed anything else!

~~~~~~~~~~~

New Texas was many things, well that was not true, New Texas was barely anything at all really, but one of the things that it most certainly wasn’t, was progressive.

The backwater asteroid that claimed to be a planet with potential for life was nothing, but filled with rot and people who would never be more than the dust on their clothes and the smoke in their lungs, who would rather see you dead for being different.

Jonny had never fit in there.

He’d always known he was different, as cliché as that might seem. He wanted more than getting drunk in a casino, playing away his last bit of money so that he could forever be enslaved by the casino boss to become a killer for hire.

That wasn’t for him. He did it out of necessity, but it wasn’t the end goal. Once he would have enough, he would get out of there. He hadn’t figured out how or to where, but he would not rot between these people.

The first moment he’d realized that, was when Henry from the mill had been hung on top of his own propellers. He’d heard that they’d found out he’d tried to pay another man for services, if you knew what they were saying. Apparently it hadn’t gone over well with the other guy.

Jonny had seen the man hanging there, swaying in the wind and a fear had gripped his heart.

You see, just the day before Jonny had been trying to come up with a good way to tell Ronny that he thought he was pretty, well, pretty. He didn’t know why the other boy got his heart racing, but he did and Jonny, being a naive youngster, wanted to do something about it.

Henrys death had quickly discouraged him from that. He still wanted to hold Ronnys hand, but it wasn’t worth dying over and when he’d started to pay attention to his fathers drunken rambling afterwards, he knew who would be the first to do him in for that.

So, he resolved to get out of there to a place where he could hold Ronnys hand if he wanted to. He knew it was probably futile, but it was a dream he clung to when things got too hard.

His resolve strengthened after he sold his life to Jack and his famous casino.

Jacks casino was famous not only because it was the only one in town, but also because Jack had show girls. The only ones there were no other bar where you could see them, Jack made sure of that, they were good for business after all.

They would be decked out with feathers, fishnets, tiny slips and corsets all on high heels. And Jonny adored them. Whenever he would need to be in Jacks casino, whether it was to deliver something or to get new orders, he would stare dreamily at them dancing.

Most of the patrons made fun of him for being in love with the show girls and Jonny would tell them to piss off, pretending they knew the truth.

The real truth was that Jonny wasn’t in love with them. No, they couldn’t be further away from his type. He was, however, in love with their outfits.

He dreamed of how the fishnets would hug his legs and how the corset would make him delicate and how whoever saw him would be taken aback by his beauty like the men in the casino were with the show girls.

Jonny knew that was a futile dream.

He’d heard from many different mouths that he wasn’t really appealing to look at and he was also slowly resigning himself to being stuck on New Texas forever, the idea of getting away only further out of reach with each passing day.

But with the arrival of a Doctor that idea suddenly seemed so weird.

She took him with her, but with how she twisted him and made him into her puppet there wasn’t really time to explore his newfound freedom away from home.

He tried to fight against every new member, but it wasn’t enough. She never stopped until he got rid of her, not that he’ll ever admit it was him. And he could never forget her either.

By the time she was gone a status quo had arisen on board of the Aurora. Jonny had automatically situated himself in a position from where he could fight. He was the though one, the first one, the one who would take the blows. Effectively shutting himself off from any chance to be dainty or delicate.

His new friends were more accepting, though. Ashes was respected, no questions asked, Nastya was allowed to be herself with her girlfriend and any comment made by the others about hot people of the opposite gender, were barely even blinked at.

Jonnys heart felt lighter with that, although he would always catch himself before he could say something. The fear of a lifetime still deeply ingrained in his mind.

After a few centuries the others had picked up on it and Ashes had laughed: “Hey, Jonny, it’s not a crime to be straight. If you’re feeling too awkward to comment, ‘cause of us, feel free. Don’t worry. Marius is also allowed to make comments about girls as well as the blokes.”

“Uh, what? No- huh, I don’t- I’m not-” Jonny had cleverly responded, so taken aback by it.

“Oh that’s okay too, Jonny.” Tim had smiled at him and it wasn’t mentioned again.

Jonny was glad no one expected anything of him, even if he felt guilty about pretending to be someone he was not. But he’d done it his entire life, what were a few millennia more?

But then he got more comfortable over the course of time and after a while the lie weighed too heavily on him, so he’d awkwardly called together the crew. Most of them were raising his brow at him and when he’d struggled for a couple of minutes, Ashes said: “Just spit it out, man.”

He took a deep breath: “I’m not, uhm, I’m not aroace. I’m g- I’m gay…” he rushed to add: “I’m sorry I know I should’ve said it when you all assumed, but I just didn’t- I couldn’t and then it was too late and it was nice to not have expectations, but then I felt bad and I really did want to tell you, but it never seemed to be the time and-”

“Breathe, Jonny.” he got interrupted by Brian, “It’s alright.”

“Really?” Jonny asked, still a bit fearful.

“Yeah,” Tim smiled and cheered, “one of us!”

Ashes pushed him over and said: “Already was, dumbass.”

“I know, but I meant it as one of me and Brian, you know.” Tim agreed.

“We shouldn’t have assumed, god knows us of all people shouldn’t have and you shouldn't feel guilty about waiting until you were ready.” Brian told Jonny with a gentle smile.

Carefully Jonny smiled back and was promptly tackled into a hug from Marius and Raphaella, who had snuck up behind him. Laughing while taking him down to the ground.

After that life continued as normal. The first time Jonny had made a comment about a guy, he’d looked around with fear, only relaxing when Tim smirked: “Well spotted! You should go up to him.”

Jonny had frantically shaken his head. Just making the comment had been scary enough, the idea of actually putting himself out there with people he didn’t know was too much.

“Okay, no problem.” Tim assured him quickly, “Do you mind if I do?”

“No, go ahead.” Jonny had squeaked, watching as Tim chatted the guy up and moments later disappeared with a wink over his shoulder.

A bit of jealousy crept over Jonnys spine and he didn’t know what he was more jealous off. The fact that Tim would be getting laid or the fact that Tim had the confidence to walk up to someone like that while knowing he could get murdered for it.

They couldn't die, of course. Jonny knew that, but the fear was still there and he didn’t think his heart could take it, despite the strong metal it was made of.

As the years passed he got more comfortable, however, until he could flirt like he’d always wanted to when he watched men at the casino try to get a free drink from the bartender with the tiny low cut shirt and the red lipped smirk.

But while he was living one of his dreams, there still was another he kept hidden.

His mind often wondered back to the show girls with their corsets, especially when he saw a dolled up boy on a planet they were visiting or dancers, like back home, in a club. His fingers would itch to try for himself, but he couldn’t.

Jonny d’Ville was a macho man.

He liked violence and weapons, he swore like, well, like a sailor. He was masculine and tried to project that as much as possible. It was a defense, he knew it was, but he didn’t know how he could break that wall down.

Still, he allowed a wistful gaze to linger on display windows, but only after checking if no one could see.

It was doomed to fail, since everyone aboard the Aurora was much more observant than Jonny gave them credit for, so after years of catching Jonny staring out of the corner of his eye on a thousand different planets, Tim commented: “You can steal it if you like it, or buy it.”

Immediately Jonny stiffened, before snapping: “What are you on about, Tim? You think I fucking want that?”

“Well, why else would you be staring at them like they’re your star-crossed lover.” Tim rolled his eyes.

He didn’t see the shot coming, but he did hear and feel it as he collapsed to the ground, only coming to a bit later, slung over Brians shoulder with Jonny nowhere in sight. Tim knew better than to mention it again and life went on. Jonny pointedly never looking at the displays, no matter how much he wanted to.

But even if Tim never mentioned it, he did not let it go. He himself had always regretted never shooting his shot with Bertie and he used this life to never pass up again. Jonny deserved the same even if it was about something different.

So when they were planetside again, he went looking. It had to be something subtle, something believable.

At the end of the day he returned to the ship and loudly exclaimed: “Everyone gather around, here, here, come on.”

“What is it, Tim.” Ashes called out from the kitchen, where they were making themself a drink.

“I shoplifted a bunch of stuff, not really looking, just shoving shit in pockets, you know. I already filtered out what I liked, so now you can fight over the rest.” Tim explained.

“Bold of you to assume we like the same things.” Ashes replied.

“I just told you it was random, there could be stuff you like. And I have impeccable taste!” Tim defended himself.

The rest of the crew had gathered around the table where Tim had dumped a pile of stuff. Jonny was already rooting around in it and Tim waited until he had found it. Bingo, he thought when he saw Jonnys eyes light up as he pulled the gigantic belt from the pile.

He held it up to inspect it, it was brown leather a good 6 inches broad with a big golden buckle, exactly something Jonny would like and the others wouldn’t and it was something that could subtly function like a thing such as a corset, making a figure appear more feminine.

Ashes saw it and joked: “I don’t think that’s your size, Jonny.”

“Yes, it is. Fuck you.” Jonny shot them a glare.

The others were now looking as well and Marius commented: “Are you sure this was all random, Tim? That is too much Jonny to be coincidence.”

Jonnys glare now became suspicious as he turned to Tim. Tim held up his hands and said: “I swear, really. I probably took it because it was shiny.”

“Magpie.” Jonny teased.

“Like you’re one to talk.” Tim stuck out his tongue. Jonny did the same, before shoving the belt in his pocket for as much as that was possible and diving back into the pile.

Once the pile had disappeared into the hands of the crew, they set to drinking together.

The next day when all had awoken en slept off the hangover, Tim saw Jonny again. The First Mate was shooting at an octokitten, but that wasn’t important. What was important was that he was wearing the belt. It was a sitting around his waist, a bit higher than normal and it seemed like it had been pulled a hole too tight.

Tim smirked and congratulated himself on the success.

He then went to attack Jonny and save the octokitten from Jonnys violence, because even if he was sure that the critter had probably earned it, it didn’t deserve it.

After that the belt became every day attire for Jonny, so with that in mind Tim set to the next part of his plan. He again snuck off when they were on a planet, he thought Ashes was feeling the need to burn something and Nastya didn’t want that on her precious Aurora.

Coming back he again called everyone together and loudly proclaimed: “I robbed a jewelry store.”

“Since when are you such a thief? This is the second time already.” Marius asked him.

Tim shrugged: “There isn’t much else to do and I thought why not take it before it gets burned, you know. It’s a pity to let it go to waste.”

He looked back and saw Jonny poking the pile with a mixed expression on his face, like he wanted to take it, but wasn’t sure if that would be okay to do.

The others had already grabbed the few things they liked, so Tim decided it was fine before he said: “Just take them, Jonny. They’re going to be in the way otherwise and I’m sure your collection of useless shiny things is far from complete.”

Jonny looked like he was going to protest, before he deflated and grabbed all the leftover jewelry and grumbled: “It isn’t useless.”

Then it was playing the waiting game again.

It took a few weeks, but finally Jonny arrived with a few bracelets dangling around his wrist and a blush high on his face as he tried to hide them and cringed every time they clanked together.

Later he was wearing a chain around his neck and a while after that he’d filled up the holes Tim hadn’t realized were in his ears. He couldn’t know Jonny had pierced them himself just for this, of course.

Tim made sure to complement him each time he saw a piece of jewelry. The first few times Jonny had given him a wary look, but Tim had tried his best to look earnest and now he’d gotten to the point where Jonny would come up to him to show him the jewelry.

When that became normal, he waited a few more days, before laying down on the opposite couch and sighing: “I wish I could paint my nails.”

From the corner of his eyes he saw Jonny perk up, then the fake uninterested reply came: “Why can’t you?”

“I don’t wanna do it alone.” Tim pouted, “And Brian doesn’t have nails, not really, same goes for The Toy Soldier. Ashes, Ivy and Nastya don’t like me enough. I don’t trust Marius not to psychoanalyze me over it and Raphaella will turn it into some sort of experiment.”

After a beat of silence Jonny said: “You didn’t name me.”

And now came the important part. Tim sat up with a grin and concurred: “Exactly, I didn’t.”

Jonny seemed to realize what he was implying and shot up saying: “No, I’m not doing that. Don’t involve me in your dumb wishes.”

Mentally Tim rolled his eyes at Jonny, but externally he pouted: “Please, Jonny. I don’t wanna do it alone and you’re the only one who I can trust, please. I promise I’ll try my best. You can even pick a color.”

Jonny bit his lip while he thought about it. He didn’t have to think long, already having decided that this was too good of an opportunity to pass him by, and agreed: “Fine, but you so owe me after this.”

Tim cheered, before getting his stuff.

When he returned Jonny had slid off the couch and was sitting next to the small table waiting for him. He smiled at Jonny and put his nail polishes in a row, letting Jonny pick a color.

He picked black and Tim snorted. Getting defensive, Jonny snapped: “What?”

“Nothing, just expected that already.” Tim said, grabbing the silver bottle for himself and setting the rest aside.

Taking Jonnys hand, Jonny asked him: “Aren’t we doing your hands first?”

Tim shook his head: “No, you need to see how to do it first before I allow you to potentially fuck up my nails.”

“Hey, who says I’m gonna fuck it up.” Jonny exclaimed indignantly.

“Me, because you’re already not paying attention.” Tim told him.

Jonny snapped his gaze back to Tim, who had already started painting Jonnys nails. The First Mate had kept his hands still despite the protesting, something Tim found quite funny.

Soon Jonnys first coat was dry and it was his turn to try and paint Tims hands.

Tim had to fight to keep the smile at bay as he watched Jonnys brow furrow in concentration and his tongue poke out while he carefully painted Tims nails. They weren’t the best, but definitely good for a beginner. Tim told him that, not missing the small blush that appeared.

Tim was fully expecting the nail polish to be gone the next day, but to his surprise Jonny still had black nails during breakfast. Ashes saw them and commented: “Nice nails.”

Jonny froze for a second, then he replied: “Uh, thanks, Tim did them.”

“Yeah, I didn’t want to do mine alone, so I roped Jonny into it. Look!” Tim inserted himself into the conversation and showed off his nails as well.

They got some more complements and Jonny relaxed further. The nail polished stayed on until it was completely chipped away.

Up until then, Tim had acted alone in gently forcing Jonny to explore his more feminine side, but for his next part he needed help. So he went to Raphaella.

“Oh, hi Tim! What can I do for you?” she asked, removing her science goggles and setting aside her flame thrower.

“I was just wondering if something was true and since you’re our Science Officer, I thought you would be the best person to ask.” Tim told her, watching her light up at the word ‘science’.

“What is it? What is it?” she asked excitedly.

“Well, you know how some of these planets have these stupid gender rules?” Tim asked.

Raphaella nodded and he went on: “So, I was wondering how much truth there was to the heel thing, because it doesn’t seem that hard to walk on heels, but they’re out there pretending it’s only women who can do it, but I don’t know how to test that.”

Clapping her hands excitedly, she said: “Oh, I know how we can test that. It won’t be a big sample size, but Nastya and Ivy have never walked on heels, so we could pit them against two of the boys. Hm, Brian wouldn’t be a good fit and Marius has one heavier side, so it would be you and Jonny. Oh, this is going to be fun!”

“Nice, I knew I could count on you, Raph.” Tim said, “So, what do we need?”

Tapping her chin Raphaella listed: “Heels in the right sizes, all the same height too, a course to walk and, of course, willing participants.”

“I do the heels and course, you the participants?” Tim asked.

“Sounds good.” Raphaella answered.

Tim got the right parts for the course and the heels, you don’t want to know how he knew which sizes he needed, but he got them pretty easily. It was Raphaella, who was having trouble with her part.

“No, I’m not walking on fucking heels, because you’re some weirdo with some sort of shit experiment.” Jonny seethed.

“Please, Jonny.” Raphaella asked again, “Nastya, Ivy and Tim already agreed and Ashes has already put up a betting pool.”

“They did what?” Jonny shrieked.

“A betting pool. Most money is on you going flat on your face within five steps.” Raphaella told him, let it be known that Raphaella could be manipulative and she wasn’t afraid to use Jonny competitive streak against him.

“Oh that absolute asshole.” Jonny groused, “Fine, I’ll do it. Tell Ashes I want money on me being the best.”

Raphaella smiled cheerily, before skipping away with an: “I will!”

The next day their time had come. The four of the were standing at the starting line, Raphaella had a clipboard in her hands and the rest was cheering them on or trash-talking them.

It was a simple course, walk 20 feet, go down 6 steps then zigzag between four cones.

They hadn’t been allowed to practice and had to put on the heels right at the start. It was alright just standing, but Tim dreaded having to walk. Jonny was so going to owe him so hard after he told him how much he’d done for the guy.

Speaking of Jonny, he glanced over to him. Jonny had a determined look on his face, but his gaze also flicker down from time to time always softening as he admired the sleek black heels with a look of wonder and a small smile.

The signal was given and they were off.

Nastya faired pretty well, she’d been royalty and a certain amount of grace had been needed for that, Ivy on the other hand was struggling. She loved to be with her books, usually walking around barefoot so that she could feel it when she’d accidentally stepped on one.

Tim also wasn’t doing much better, his arms had turned into propellers as he wobbled and shook, he was almost certain he would not be surviving the stairs.

Next to him, Jonny was actually doing very well. No one knew that the First Mate would walk around on this tip toes, pretending to have heels on just to know what it would feel like and the force of knowing that doing good would piss Ashes off kept him walking with a straight back and minimal amounts of stumbling.

In the end both Tim and Ivy fell down the steps. Ivy broke her neck and was out of the race and Tims heel had broken off, so he’d hopped the last part.

Nastya and Jonny finished around the same time, both collapsing on the couch when they were done. Nastya immediately kicked off her heels, but Jonny kept them on, throwing his feet on the table to turn back and laugh at Tim.

Once everyone was alive and well. Raphaella came with the verdict: “It seems like gender rules around heels are baseless according to our findings here, of course, if we really wanted more concrete answers we would need to do a bigger experiment with more people, but we since we can’t really do that this will have to do.”

“Was that what this was about?” Ashes asked, “We all already knew that gender rules were stupid, no need to fucking test that.”

“It was more curiosity and personal amusement, although that didn’t really work in my favor.” Tim told them.

He got an eyeroll from them, but they seemed to find his answer acceptable. They instead turned to Jonny and asked: “Are they glued to your feet or something?”

Jonny cracked open and eyes and looked down, blushing when they saw the heels and quickly saying: “Oh, I totally forgot.”

He was about to pull them off, when Tim said: “I bet my caliber 14 laser rifle you can’t function an entire day in heels.”

His hands stilling, Jonny gave him a look and asked: “What if I loose?”

“If you loose I want the goggles you stole from Hermes, don’t lie and say you don’t have them.” Tim answered, demanding something with high enough stakes that Jonny wouldn’t call bluff, but not high enough he wouldn’t take it.

“Deal.” Jonny said, hands retreating.

“I bet he gives up after an hour.” Marius called out.

“Yeah, me too.” Nastya agreed.

“Hm, I think he can make it through the day.” Ivy mused and Brian agreed: “Yeah, I also believe he can do it.”

Ashes got up and grinned: “Wait, I’ll write the bets down.”

Tim rolled his eyes, nothing to get the crew moving than a few bets. It didn’t matter that most stuff was practically shared and that they never spend money, instead robbing stores if they wanted something.

After a while the excitement had died down and it was just Tim and Jonny together. Tim needed to keep an eye on Jonny to see if he didn’t cheat after all.

“You can’t just sit there and look at your feet the entire day, that’s also cheating.” Tim broke the silence.

Jonnys head snapped up from where he was admiring at the heels. He covered up the fact that he got startled when Tim had called him out, by crossing his arms and huffing: “That was never specified.”

“Yes, it was. You needed to function in heels and I know you’ve never just sat around for an entire day.” Tim said.

“Why do you even care so much?” Jonny asked.

“I want the goggles.” Tim said with a tone like Jonny was stupid.

Jonny frowned, but didn’t meet his eyes as he repeated: “No, I mean about all this. Why do you care so much?”

Had Tim been caught? Had Jonny realized? He decided to play dumb and asked: “I’m sorry, I don’t follow?”

“I mean about all this, about me doing all the, you know, girly stuff.” he whispered the last part as if he was afraid that if he said it louder the words would explode.

Okay, so he had caught on to what Tim was doing and Tim needed to make sure Jonny did hate him after all this. Fuck. He was never good at that sort of thing, he’d hoped Jonny would never find out until he was completely comfortable, but no such luck.

So he thought carefully about his answer, then replied: “It seemed like it was something you wanted, but you didn’t do, so I don’t know, I thought I would help, sorry.”

“No, no sorry, just why would you do that? Don’t you think that it’s weird?” Jonny asked him.

“No, I don’t think it’s weird.” Tim told him, “Why do you think it’s weird? It’s just clothes, no one here aboard cares if you want to wear something that makes you happy. You heard Ashes, gender rules are stupid.”

“Who said it made me happy.” Jonny pouted.

“You’re ignoring the question, Jonny. Besides, I have good vision, surprisingly enough, I see how you get when I convince you to do something more girly.” he used Jonnys word, thinking that feminine might not go over well.

Jonny moped for a bit and said: “I don’t think it’s weird.”

Tim sighed: “Jonny, you just asked me if I thought it was weird and something is obviously stopping you from doing it. If you don’t want to talk about it that’s fine, but you don’t get to lie and say that something isn’t stopping you.”

It was quiet for a few seconds after that, it seemed Jonny was building up the courage to tell Tim something, so Tim waited patiently until the other was ready. Taking a deep breath, Jonny said: “I saw Henry hanging, when I was little.”

“Who’s Henry?” Tim asked, confused and not expecting that answer.

“Just a guy in my town, tried to pay another guy to have sex with him, so they hung him on his own windmill. Threw away all the bread that was made with his flour too and left him hanging there until he fell.” Jonny told him, “I saw him. I think I was ‘round twelve.”

Tim suddenly remembered how scared Jonny had been to admit he liked guys, how they even thought he might be straight at one point, because he had hidden it so well. It was crazy to see how much he’d grown since then.

“That must’ve been terrible.” Tim replied, unsure how else to react.

Jonny shrugged: “Wasn’t the first body, but it did leave an expression. I think what was shittier was how my dad talked about him afterwards, you know.”

“I can see how something like that would stop you from ever trying something that wasn’t considered safe,” Tim told him, choosing his words as carefully as he’d chosen his steps I a minefield “but we all aren’t your father, Jonny. The Aurora is not New Texas. You don’t have to hide here, if you want to walk around in high heels and a skirt with bright red lips and corset then you do that.”

“Everyone will think it’s weird if I suddenly did that. They’ll think it’s a joke and laugh at me.” Jonny was close to tears at this point.

“No, they won’t. I’ll make sure of that.” Tim said, putting a arm around Jonnys shoulders in a comforting manner, allowing the First Mate to lean into him.

“Why are you so nice about this? To me?” Jonny mumbled.

Tim let out a breath and decided that Jonny deserved some honesty in return. So he said: “I loved Bertie, you know, never told him that, but I loved them. When he died, and then I died, I regretted it, but I’ve gotten a new chance at life. I promised myself to never miss an opportunity again, you also deserve to do the things you never dared when you were mortal, Jonny.”

“I’m sorry about Bertie.” Jonny told him.

“It’s alright, I made peace with it, well, sort of.” Tim replied.

After that they fell quiet for a few minutes, just sitting with their sides pressed together. Jonny broke it: “You really think they won’t laugh?”

“Of course not. No one laughs at Ashes either, do they?” Tim said.

“That’s different, they fall in between, I’m still a man. They probably think I’m making fun of them and kill me for it, I would deserve it too.” Jonny retorted.

“It is different, but that doesn’t mean what you’re doing is bad. Everyone expresses themselves in different ways, I do it with painting my nails and braiding my hair or with my goggles and you do it your own way.” Tim said.

“I’ll think about it.” Jonny finally decided.

It was the best Tim could hope for. It was also clear that Jonny wanted the conversation about this to end, so Tim nodded: “Alright, now get up and help me sort the armory.”

“Why?” Jonny asked.

“You need to function on those bad boys and I want those goggles really bad, so walking it is.” Tim replied with a grin, “Chop, chop, we don’t have all day.”

Jonny rolled his eyes, but he seemed better as he pushed himself off the couch and slowly followed after Tim.

By the time the day was over, Jonny was richer and the proud owner of a caliber 14 laser rifle. He also was pretty good in walking on heels, although his feet hurt like a bitch and he complained about it the entire night.

After his conversation with Jonny, Tim tried not to push him any further. He had done his part and now it was up to Jonny to see what he would do with the things Tim had told him.

He still kept a close eye on the First Mate and was glad to see that Jonny still wore the jewelry and the belt, he also noted that his eyeliner had become a bit more elegant.

A few weeks, later Jonny also shyly asked Tim to paint his nails again, so Tim didn’t worry about Jonny spiraling into the wrong direction.

The heels didn’t come back though, but when Tim left his ones by Raphaella in the lab, he saw that one pair was missing.

They had been planetside a few times after that when Tim noticed something one day.

Jonny didn’t have a terrible posture, but he never stood up that straight, his belt was also a bit tighter, so Tim said: “There is something different about you today, can’t pinpoint it.”

His eyes widened and he blushed. He quickly looked around to see if anyone else was there, before he lifted his shirt and showed Tim the corset underneath. He said: “It’s just for me, I just wanted to know what it was like.”

Tim smiled and said: “Well, you look great.”

“Thank you.” Jonny returned the smile.

“Wanna race to the kitchen? I heard Marius was baking today. Loser gets shot, winner dibs?” Tim asked.

“Sure.” and Jonny was already sprinting, a bit more out of breath at the end, but otherwise just business as usual.

It didn’t happen every day and it wasn’t all that noticeable, but Tim could see when Jonny would be wearing the corset. He also got a few more flow-y white blouses and boots with a thicker heel than he normally had.

Months went by like that until one night Tim got awoken by a knock on his door. Grumpily he opened and squinted against the light with a harsh: “What?”

“Uh, sorry, I forgotten how early it was.” came Jonnys voice.

“Is there a reason for waking me?” Tim asked, still waking up, but a bit less grumpy with Jonny there.

“I need you to help me.” Jonny told him.

“Help you with what, Jonny? I don’t have the brainpower for your dancing around what you want me to do.” Tim rubbed his eyes.

Jonny dawdled for a second, then he softly said: “I wanna wear this outfit, but I don’t want anyone to laugh at me, but I also don’t wanna talk to them about it and I hoped you might help, but if you don’t that’s okay, sorry for waking you. That was dumb, sorry. I hadn’t thought about it and now it’s too-”

“Jonny, shut up.” Tim recognized the anxious rambling from when Jonny had come out to them and ended it as soon as possible, “I’ll help.”

“Uh, oh, thank you.” Jonny stammered.

“No, problem, now go back to bed.” Tim said, closing the door again.

He made sure to be up before Jonny and went to the common area near the kitchen. Everyone except Jonny was already there, which was good, so he cleared his throat and said: “People, quick little thing.”

“What is it, Tim?” Ivy asked.

“Jonny is going to come in with an outfit that you’re maybe not used to and everyone is going to be nice about, okay. I know you all like to tease, but not today.” he gave them all an intent looks until he was sure that all would listen.

“Of course.” Brian said.

“How is it differently then?” Ashes asked, “I’m not going to do anything, just curious.”

“Haven’t seen it, he just asked me to tell you.” Tim shrugged.

“Why you?” Nastya asked.

“Me and Jonny are friends.” Tim pouted, a bit offended at the suggestion that they weren’t, “We talk.”

Then the door creaked open and Jonny poked his head around the corner, before walking in. He had his black leather boots with the small heel on, a pair of tighter gray-brown pants that pleated out at the top, tucked in the pants was a papyrus colored corset, one of his white flow-y blouses coming from the top. He also had a few golden bracelets around his wrist, dangle-y earrings and two belts hung loosely around his hips.

He looked at the floor for a second, before he met their eyes and softly waved a: “Hi.”

Tim smiled and said: “Look at you! You look great, Jonny.”

The others realized what Jonny had been so afraid off and all fell over themselves to tell Jonny how much they liked his outfit and how well it suited him.

Slowly Jonny lost the tension and bashfulness he’d showed up with and by the end of breakfast he was roughhousing and yelling like normal and he’d already shot Ashes for finding out they’d cheated during their card game yesterday, like he hadn’t had a stack of cards up his sleeve the entire time as well.

They were about to bring away the dishes, when Jonny coughed and in an uncharacteristically vulnerable voice he said: “Uhm, thank you for not being assholes about it.”

“Why would we be, Jonny?” Brian asked, “It’s just clothes and you look good, comfortable. We wouldn’t be assholes about it.”

Jonny looked helplessly at Tim, who nodded and explained: “New Texas was a shit place, definitely not the best planet to grow up on if you’re someone like Jonny, or any of us for that matter.”

Understanding came over the others as they nodded with sympathetic expressions. Ashes slung an arm over Jonnys shoulders and said: “Well, fuck them anyway. You’re better than that.”

Grinning at them, Jonny agreed with a cheer: “Fuck yeah.”

Over the course of the next few weeks Jonnys outfits became more feminine. He still wore other stuff from time to time, but he seemed happier in the new outfits he wore, less like something was weighing on him. No one had seen the invisible weight until it was gone.

When they landed on a planet, Ashes loaded a gun and told Jonny: “We’re robbing some clothing stores, grab Tim since you’re so attached to him and come along.”

“What?” Jonny asked.

“We’re getting you more nice clothes, come on.” Ashes repeated, then they called out: “Tim!”

Tim poked his head around the corner: “What?”

“We’re robbing stores for nice clothes for Jonny, wanna come?” Ashes asked him.

“Heck yeah.” Tim yelled, running to join them.

“You don’t- I don’t- it’s not-” Jonny was stammering.

“Don’t be daft, Jonny.” Ashes told him, “You look nice and happy, you deserve more of those clothes. I know some of them got ruined with the blood and the bullet holes, so you need more. We’re getting them, no complaining.”

“Why are you doing this for me?” Jonny was utterly confused.

Ashes gave him a smile and said: “I know how nice it is to have clothes that make you happy inside, now come.”

With that Jonny shut up and let them and Tim drag him along to the giant shopping center the planet had.

At first Jonny was hesitant about grabbing stuff. His eyes lingered on delicate necklaces, some socks with bows and even a dark blue skirt with a copper cog pattern on it, but he didn’t dare to touch them. So Ashes just ripped them of the rack and sternly stated: “You better start grabbing things, d’Ville.”

And so Jonny did, he started taking things from the racks. He got fishnets, heels, dresses, skirts, a few pants, dungarees, jewelry, makeup and hairpieces.

He still had a blush on his face throughout the whole thing and he didn’t make eye contact with Ashes or Tim, instead wordlessly handing them the clothes, but at least he was taking stuff he wanted.

It was all going well until Jonny stilled in front of a display and gaped at the feather fans, boas and hip pieces.

He swallowed heavily and stared, not noticing how Ashes and Tim gave him questioning looks and tried to get his attention. After a while of ignoring them, Tim put his hand on Jonnys shoulder and asked: “Jonny?”

Jonny snapped his head around and mumbled: “What? Oh, uh, nothing. I’m fine.”

His eyes drifted back to the display, ignoring Tim once more. So Tim spoke up again: “Want to get the feathers?”

“Oh, no, it’ll be impractical and they’ll get ruined and, you know, it’s stupid. Feathers don’t really fit with the whole aesthetic we got going on either, no matter how pretty they are.” he tapered off at the end, voice getting dreamy.

“We can make feathers steampunk.” Ashes told him.

Jonny bit his lip and looked at the display once more. If he had been hesitant about everything else, that couldn’t match up with how he was hesitating now. He shook his head softly and murmured to himself: “It wouldn’t be the same.”

“Why wouldn’t it be the same?” Tim asked.

Startling a bit, Jonny said: “Oh, it’s weird and doesn’t matter. Never mind.”

“We’ve been over this before, Jonny, spit it out.” Tim pushed him fondly.

“It’s just, this going to sound weird, but back home, back on New Texas, Jack he had- Well, you see he had these show girls in the casino.” Jonnys cheeks were burning as he explained, “They danced with feathers and all dolled up and stuff. I always- I, uh, I always wondered what it would be like to- to, you know, to be one of them.”

His voice was barely a whisper at the end and he buried his face in his hands as he whined: “See, it’s weird and embarrassing.”

Ashes lit up and said: “Jonny, we’re making you the prettiest show girl there is.”

“What?” Jonny squeaked.

“Oh, come on, this is what it’s been building up to, isn’t it.” Ashes said, “It’ll be fun, besides I have nothing against you walking around looking like a hot show girl, it’ll be just as good for me as it is for you.”

“I agree, I think it would be amazing to see you walk around like a cute show girl.” Tim agreed.

It looked like Jonnys head was going to explode from the heat on Jonnys cheeks as he scream-whispered: “You can’t just say stuff like that.”

“Why not? It’s true.” Ashes said nonchalantly, “Now, go pick out some show girl outfits.”

They pushed him into the store and Jonny didn’t fight. This was it, a dream he’d had since he was fifteen. He walked through the store like it was holy ground and he touched all the pieces with reverence.

Tim and Ashes made themselves comfortable on the couch, setting down the enormous amounts of bags they had acquired throughout the day.

They didn’t get to see the outfits Jonny tried out, but he returned an hour later with five more bags and a small smile on his face. He said: “I think I have enough clothes now.”

Returning the smile, Tim said: “That’s nice, wanna go back?”

Jonny nodded and took some of the bags from them. The way back to the Aurora was silent, but comfortable. They took the bags to Jonny room, but before they could leave Jonny stopped them and said: “Uh, thank you, this means a lot.”

“No problem, Jonny.” Tim told him.

“Nah, did it with love.” Ashes winked.

Throughout time they saw more and more pieces they’d helped Jonny pick out and he looked very happy with his new stuff, and after the others had realized how he’d gotten the new outfits and accessories, they also started to leave little gifts for him, making him smile and blush every time he opened them.

Overall he still acted the same, except now he just kicked Marius in the nuts with a twirl of his skirt instead the swoosh of his vest, but they never saw the show girl pieces.

Not that they were going to ask about them either, from what Jonny had said it was clear the outfits were personal, but that didn’t stop them from talking about them.

“I just wonder what he looks like, you know.” Tim slurred, one night when it was just the two of them, draped over the couch with too much alcohol in their systems.

“You’re right, he’d probably have heels and like, ugh, legs.” Ashes tried to get their point across.

Tim understood them perfectly: “Yes! Legs. Oh, and waist. Yeahh.”

Ashes groaned: “We’re so fucked for the dude, aren’t we.”

“Yeah, we are.” Tim slid further down dramatically, “At least he’s pretty. And I think most of the crew is fucked at this point as well. Especially Brian and Marius.”

Agreeing Ashes took another swig, then they toasted: “To Jonnys legs and waist.”

Tim grinned and raised his bottle as well and echoed: “To Jonnys legs and waist.”

Unbeknown to them, it wasn’t just the two of them at all. Jonny had been on his way to join them again, finding that he couldn’t sleep, so drinking was a better option. He had stilled just outside the door to listen when he had heard the conversation.

After the toast the two fell asleep on the couch and Jonny backed away. His head was spinning with the blood that had rushed to it and the information that swirled around in his brain.

He’d put on some of the outfits before, a few times already, just in his bedroom. He’d looked at himself in front of the mirror inspecting every angle with a happy bubble floating in his chest. He liked looking like that, he liked feeling pretty, but the fear of looking stupid or being laughed at or killed had stopped him.

It didn’t matter that the others hadn’t killed him or laughed at him before for his outfits and told him it was okay, this was so much further than those things and he didn’t think he could emotionally survive it if they decided that it was too weird.

But now here were Ashes and Tim, toasting to the idea in that outfit. They liked it, despite the fact that they’d never seen it. That did funny things to him.

He didn’t fall asleep that night, instead he laid in his bed and replayed the conversation over and over in his head until he had analyzed it in a 100 different ways. He wanted advise about it, but the only people he trusted for advise about all this were Ashes and Tim, so he just tossed and turned instead.

The conversation he’d overheard played heavy on his mind the next day and it seemed the others picked up on it, because Tim cornered him and asked: “Hey, Jonny, are you okay? You look like something’s bothering you.”

On one hand Jonny didn’t want to admit what he had heard, but on the other he desperately wanted to know what they had meant with it all and what he was supposed to do with it.

He bit his lip then said: “I, uhm, I didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t sleep and I knew you and Ashes were still awake, so I thought I’d come back, but then I heard you talking and it, uh, it was about me so I, I listened.”

“Oh, god, I’m so sorry, Jonny.” Tim said mortified, “We didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable at all. Sorry that you had to hear that. God that’s so embarrassing, sorry, really.”

“It’s okay, I just don’t get it.” Jonny replied.

“What?” Tim said.

“I don’t get it.” Jonny repeated.

“What don’t you get, Jonny, I’m still not a mindreader.” Tim told him gently.

Jonny bunched the fabric of his skirt, the dark blue one with the copper cog design, as a nervous habit and confessed: “Why you like the idea so much. For me it’s about liking myself and feeling pretty like the show girls, but I’m not them and I look dumb in it, honestly, so why would you two like it so much?”

“Did you ever think about the fact that we might think you look pretty in the clothes, Jonny?” Tim asked him.

“But I’m not pretty, I know I’m not.” Jonny exploded a bit, “I’m short and stocky with wild hair that never sits the way I want it, I’m a maniac and you can see that in my eyes. That’s not pretty, Tim, don’t tell me that it is.”

“Oh, Jonny.” Tim sighed and pulled him into a hug.

He kissed the top of Jonnys head and said: “Me and Ashes seem to disagree with you. We think you’re very pretty. You never see how lively you look when you’re beating Raphaella to a pulp after she’s pissed you off or how excited you get when someone gets you a little gift. You look very pretty then, there’s a reason the crew keeps giving you them.”

“But they don’t me-”

“Shush, Jonny, let me talk.” Tim ignored the interruption, “You can’t see everything in a mirror, dear. You’re very pretty, especially when you’re happy or violent. I loathe to think, you dislike yourself. We like the idea of you in those clothes, because to us you’re very pretty, beautiful even, and we think those clothes would accentuate that beauty even more.”

Jonny was quiet. He stood there in Tims arms and let the words wash over them. He’d never thought of himself as pretty or beautiful, the clothes made him feel like that, but there was always a voice in his head that told him it wasn’t true.

He swallowed thickly as he tried to get his emotions under control. He didn’t succeed only managing: “You called me dear.”

Like he was burned Tim let go and apologized again: “Sorry, Jonny, sorry, I let it slip out that was uncalled for.”

Jonny blushed and said: “I liked it.”

“You did?” Tim asked, not believing his ears.

“Uh, yeah, it’s nice?” Jonny replied uncertain.

“Oh, can I- can I keep doing it?”

“Please.”

Tim smiled and said: “Well, then, dear, I just want to say you’re very pretty, beautiful, just absolutely gorgeous and if you want to you can wear those pretty clothes and feel pretty, but you don’t have to, I just want to tell you that none of us would mind.”

“They’re a bit extravagant and impractical.” Jonny argued, unable to handle the complement and therefore ignoring it.

“Well, I’m sure that your task around this ship is nothing more than sit and look pretty, which you are very successful at.” Tim teased with a smirk.

Jonny spluttered a bit not able to come up with a good reply.

“Just think about, okay. Just like last time. I’ll be here.” Tim assured him gently.

Still not in control enough to speak Jonny nodded and hugged him again, giving him a small peck on the cheek, before hurrying down the hall, the click of his heels echoing behind him.

Once he’d disappeared Tim slid down the wall and touched his cheek, then he softly, but passionately whispered to himself: “Fuck.”

Before getting up to find Ashes, because they needed to know what had happened. He needed to be able to tell someone and he couldn't think of anyone better to vent to about this particular subject than Ashes.

Except maybe Brian and Marius, he knew those two were staring at Jonny and not all that subtly if he might add, but he and Ashes were the only ones that knew about the show girl outfits and it would feel like a break of trust towards Jonny to tell someone else.

After he’d told Ashes everything they decided that it was completely unacceptable that Jonny didn’t think he was pretty, so they decided to dial up the complements, leaving Jonny flustered. They also gave him the nickname darlin’.

With Tim and Ashes both calling Jonny a pet name of sorts the two others had decided that it was now law. So, Brian called him sweetheart and Marius addressed him as princess. Only The Toy Solider and the wlw aboard the Aurora referred to Jonny by his name.

At first Jonny had squeaked and hid when he was spoken to with a pet name, but now he only flushed a bright red.

It was during dinner when Jonny, with too much nonchalance to be normal, asked: “Is there anything unusual happening tomorrow?”

“Not as far as I’m aware, princess.” Marius said, “How so?”

“Oh, uh, nothing in particular, I wanted to wear this outfit, but it’s a bit impractical, so if there was going to be a lot of action I’m not going to put it on.” Jonny tried a laid back tone, but the thrumming nervousness was still clear.

Tim and Ashes visibly perked up at his confession and Jonny moped: “Okay, calm down. You caught me, I wanna wear one of the outfits, you happy?”

“What outfits, sweetheart?” Brian asked, very interested.

Jonny then realized that only Tim and Ashes knew what he had meant and that he was now going to have to explain it to everyone there what he had been referencing. He gestured vaguely and mumbled: “Oh, you know, uhm, an outfit with, uhm, feathers ‘n stuff...”

He trailed off at the end and ducked into himself, Tim made a questioning noise and Jonny gave him a nod, so Tim said: “Jonny has a very pretty outfit that Ashes and I haven’t seen either. It’s like a show girl. They used to have them back on New Texas, it’s where all this started.”

As red as a cherry, Jonny nodded and mumbled: “It’s just stupid, but it’s fun? It’s not special or anything.”

“Of course it’s special, darlin’.” Ashes exclaimed, “And it’s not stupid, you’re going to look gorgeous in it and if I’m honest I will be looking forward to tomorrow if that’s in store.”

“Ahw, princess, it’ll be nice, getting all dolled up for us.” Marius smiled.

“But it’s so extra. You know what I’m not doing it, it’ll be dumb, serves no purpose. It’ll be weird.” Jonny was already back paddling.

“Dear, no.” Tim said, “It doesn’t have to serve a purpose, do you think I need these goggles for my job? Or Brian and Marius those hats? Or The Toy Soldier that uniform? Of course not. It’s all extra things that make us happy. You wear that outfit if you want to.”

“Alright.” Jonny gave in, making them all smile, “But now it’s blown out of proportion, it’s really not that special.”

“Whatever you say, sweetheart.” Brian told him.

The rest of the dinner passed quietly, Jonny hightailing out of there as soon as he was done, not meeting anyones eyes. When he was gone Nastya groaned: “You’re all being disgusting, you know that right?”

“Like you and Aurora didn’t annoy us for centuries.” Tim rolled his eyes.

“I think it’s cute.” Raphaella smiled, “Jonny seems happy, don’t you agree, Nastya?”

Nastya was silent for a beat, then she threw her hands up and said: “Fine, I guess, he is and that’s good. He deserves it after everything, but that doesn’t mean I want it rubbed in my face, he’s like my brother and it’s weird.”

“I recall one time you told him, you quote ‘fuck the ship’, so I think he’s earned a bit of retribution.” Ivy reminded her.

“Yeah, yeah, alright.” Nastya dropped the subject.

After that they all went their separate ways as they thought of what tomorrow would bring, hopefully Jonny confidant in a show girl outfit, but who’s to say. If he backed out, he would and they couldn’t fault him for that.

The next morning, Jonny was standing in front of the mirror inspecting himself. He’d put on his favourite of the outfits, even some makeup to match, but he wasn’t sure.

Yes, the others had liked the idea, but what id he couldn’t live up to it? Or what if they had the wrong idea and when they saw him they would laugh at him? He could still back out, but that would disappoint them and he didn’t want to do that either.

He sighed and twirled again.

In the end it was the Aurora, who made the decision for him. A panel appeared with the message: The others are getting worried, if you’re not there in ten minutes I am 99% sure they’re going to look for you.

Ten minutes, that wasn’t enough time to get this all off and the last thing he wanted was for them to find him half dressed as he hurried to get undressed. He just had to take the plunge and hope they really did like it.

Tim had barely stood up to look for Jonny, when the sound of heels clicking at a fast pace called their attention to the door. A bit winded Jonny stopped in the doorway and breathed heavily as he apologized: “Sorry, lost the time.”

Four mouths hung agape as they stared at their First Mate.

The corset was a light pink that was dripping in pink rhinestones and lace. It was pulled tight to make his waist a few inches thinner. The hip pieces were a combination of feathers in the same pink and white, accentuating the hourglass figure the corset was giving him.

Underneath, he wore sheer white stockings with white lace on top and matching pink heels.

Around his fingers he had a few silver rings and rings with pearls. He also wore velvet pink gloves that went up to his elbow and he had a huge fan made from white feathers in his right hand.

To top it all off, he had put on a light shiny eyeshadow that sparkled along with pink lipstick and sharp eyeliner. On his head rested a silver headpiece, which also had pearls to make it all complete.

Once he noticed them all staring, he realized what outfit he was wearing and promptly hid his face behind the fan.

With the movement Tim came back online and he said with wonder: “Fuck, how are you so unbelievably pretty, dear.”

Jonny peaked out from behind the fan and slowly made his way over to the seat under the scrutiny of everyone else.

Since the others were still processing and Jonny was clearly still a bit uncomfortable with the lack of reaction from most, Nastya sighed and said: “I have to admit, Jonny, I didn’t think you could clean up so well.”

The complement wasn’t as laden with affection nor filled with words his mind couldn’t wrap around, so Jonny shot her a smile and did a little bow as he said: “Thank you, I tried.”

That got the others to function as well and they all told Jonny how nice and pretty he looked. Nastya rolled her eyes at the mushiness, but she couldn't be mad at them for making that smile appear on Jonnys face, not really.

After breakfast Ivy left on her own, while Nastya guided Raphaella and The Toy Soldier away to give the five of them some privacy.

Brian had meanwhile walked up to Jonny and offered a hand. He asked: “Can I have a dance, sweetheart?”

Jonny had never been more grateful for the fan, it really was perfect to hide his blush behind as he accepted the hand and allowed Brian to twirl him around.

He made him spin till their arms were stretched and then Jonny was taken over by Tim, who dipped him before swaying him from side to side, holding him so that he could hide his face in the crook on his neck.

He was then offered to Marius, who made him dance to a faster silent tune, putting his hands on his waist as they spun around the room with quick steps. Marius ended their little dance by picking him up and depositing him in Ashes arms.

Ashes held him for a second, before they carefully set him down on his feet and pulled him into a proper waltz. Jonny couldn't for the life think of where they would’ve picked that up, but this was Ashes and Ashes was full off surprises so he just let it be a delightful surprise.

After the impromptu dance session he was settled on the couch, smile high on his cheeks. They all settled down around him and with a happy sigh he stated: “I don’t know why you’re all so nice to me, but thank you.”

“Because we like you, dear.” Tim informed him.

With wide eyes Jonny looked as they all nodded with a smile. He then frowned and asked: “Really? All of you?”

“We tried to make it obvious, darlin’.” Ashes told him.

Apologetically Brian added: “We didn’t mean to spring it on you like this, sweetheart, and we want to assure you that it is completely fine if you don’t like us back.”

“Oh, no, I do, I just-” Jonny squirmed in his seat, before the word dam broke: “It would be cheating or something wouldn't it? I mean, it’s selfish and weird if I love all of you and I don’t want to make you feel bad or pick one of you or something, you’re all too nice for that and, oh, what would the others say or maybe I’m not- I’m not what you all assume and then you want to leave me or-”

“Dear.” Tim tried to cut him of, “Dear, stop, please. For us?”

Jonny stopped and gasped for air, fiddling with the fan as he vibrated in his seat with anxiety.

“It’s not selfish or weird.” Tim told him, “You just have a big heart, dear, and that just makes us love you more, okay. We’re also not going to make you pick, we don’t mind sharing, really, if you’re willing to love all of us, we would only be honored.”

“And Nastya already gave us as much of a blessing we’re going to get out of her.” Ashes said, “So don’t go breaking your pretty little head about that, darlin’.”

“You don’t have to give us an answer now, princess, take your time.” Marius assured him when Jonny stayed silent for a few moments.

“No, it’s- just processing.” Jonny said with a chocked off voice.

“Would it help if we hugged you?” Tim asked.

The nod Jonny gave was small, you would’ve missed it, if you weren’t paying attention. Luckily they all were paying very close attention, so they quickly gathered him up in their arms, until Jonny was sideways in Ashes lap with his feet thrown over Marius lap, while Tim hugged him from behind and Brian from the side.

They sat like that for a while, until Jonny broke the silence: “I, I do really love you all and I’d be, I’d be honored to call you all my partners, but I’m no good at that and I can’t promise you that I can be what you want me to be.”

“We just want you to be you, sweetheart.” Brian petted his hair softly.

“Yes, you say that now, but…” Jonny replied.

“And we’ll see how it goes, we just need to talk a bit together and see where everyone stands.” Marius said, “But we’ll figure it out. You won’t disappoint us, trust us.”

“But we can talk about all that later.” Ashes lifted the quiet, serious mood, “Because we really haven’t talked enough about how breathtakingly beautiful you look today, darlin’.”

With the temporary breather, everyone relaxed as they again lavished Jonny in complements and praises, this time also softly giving him pecks and hugging him close while they praised him. Until Jonny was flushed entirely red and beaming with pride, practically emitting a happy glow.

He was happy, they were happy and they had an eternity to be happy together.

New Texas was not a lot of things, but it was a shit place to grow up in if you’re someone as special and beautiful as Jonny d’Ville. However, if you managed to take the New Texas out of the boy, you were left with someone amazing.

~~~~~~~~~~

I know I normally only do A/Ns with AO3, but I thought these were too important for that:

All sexualities and stuff are headcanons, not a reflection of the band members or the characters if they see it differently.

Also, aroace people are queer and 100% valid and I will fight whoever says differently, (just in case that wasn’t clear, I love you all, be proud!)

Clothes are for every gender, fuck anyone who tells you otherwise, you can come to me and I will make sure their kneecaps are gone if they harass you.

In my mind this was just Jonnys gender expression/presentation not identity. For me, he wanted to be part of that world of glamor and attention, so here he still identifies as male with he/him pronouns, but if you want to think this is pre-exploration that will make him later realize he’s trans or non binary or any other gender, feel free! It’s up to your interpretation!

Although most the polycule ID’s as gay that does not mean Ashes isn’t the proud enby that they are, exceptions can be made and if the person is alright with their partner ID’ing as gay despite being with them then that’s their choice, as long as communication is there. It depends on the situation.

I didn’t really include the discussion of boundaries between them, because I am not in that sort of relationship, so I don’t think I would be able to write it down properly and I wouldn’t want to do the beautiful poly community a disservice :D

#RR writing #trigger warning #tw: homophobia #tw: internalized homophobia #tw: internalized misogyny #tw: self esteem issues #the mechs #the mechanisms #jonny d'ville #ashes o'reilly #gunpowder tim #drumbot brian #marius von raum #raphaella la cognizi #nastya rasputina #ivy alexandria #the toy soldier #aurora

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homeforchristmas-au · 4 years

Text

Character bios pt 2!!

Decided to continue the bios for the rest of the fam squad, the full extended family!! Might change things around a bit, we’ll see!!! Here’s part one in case you missed it :3

Emile Sanders (formerly Picani):

Age: 46

Pronouns: he/him/they/them

Height: 6’1”

Curly medium golden mahogany brown hair and sky blue eyes, subtly tanned skin covered in freckles, red framed rounded glasses, likes dressing like a cartoon character or just wearing cartoon merch (his prized possession is his Mabel pines jumper) but wears a brown cardigan over a white button down shirt with a pink necktie when he goes to work

A big goofball that has a lot of love to give, but he still knows when to be more subdued and calm and when to activate “serious picani”. He’s always loved helping people work through their issues which is why he’s a therapist

Like patton, he’s excellent at reading emotions, though he’s a bit better at it since he’s a professional

Has ADHD, but has developed the necessary coping skills to help keep his symptoms under control

Has two siblings; Catarina (Patton’s mother) and Leonard (Patton’s other uncle). Emile is the baby of the family while Leonard is the oldest

Emile met Thomas when they were both in college. They shared an ASL class and quickly began getting along, and frequently practiced sign language together and feelings developed from there

It was quite some time before they got married, but it was well worth the wait

Thomas Sanders:

Age: 43

Pronouns: he/him

Height: 5’10”

The standard character Thomas look; floppy medium brown hair, chestnut eyes, fair skinned, wears the same three shirts periodically for five years until he buys three new shirts, the usual stuff

He’s a sweet, down to earth guy. Loves cartoons almost as much as Emile does, has a passion for pizza, theatre, and the cats of the world he’ll never be able to pet without dying. He can be impulsive at times, but his heightened anxiety oftentimes outweighs that

Has three brothers named Christian, Patrick, and Shea, but I won’t describe them in depth cos I don’t wanna get any facts wrong since this is based on Thomas himself oop-

I’m literally just describing the canon character Thomas except slightly older im-

There’s like nothing else to add to make this fun and unique it’s just character Thomas welp

Thomas and Emile’s kids:

Anton Sanders:

Age: 16

Pronouns: any/all

Height: idk uh ??? 5’7” ???

Medium length wavy black hair, electric blue eyes, fair skinned with a beauty mark on his right cheek beneath his eye, usually wears fashionable clothes and declares himself an eleven, often wears scarves and turtlenecks (almost exclusively black) as well as his round mirrored sunglasses

Can and will kill you with a single look. Especially if you mess with his family. He’ll never admit it but he loves them with everything he’s got, even if he never acts like it for even a moment

Especially adores Remy and respects that they’re discovering themself and exploring new possibilities. He knows from experience how tough that is and how much of a challenge it can be

Was adopted at age three after his parents were busted for child abuse and heavy drug addiction. It took quite some time for him to come out of his shell but Emile and Thomas were nothing but patient and loving and kind. He still has a lot of trust issues but he knows he can trust his family

Will never admit it now but became insanely jealous when remy was adopted into the family. He did not want a brother because he knew that meant he was being replaced and he wasn’t loved anymore

Eventually Thomas and Emile sat him down and they all talked through it and assured Anton that he was still loved and he was not being replaced

It still took a very long time for Anton to trust Remy, even if he was only a baby

His heart was won over when Remy said his first word to him

All he said was “no” but Anton admired his defiant spirit

also yes this is the Critic how did u know

Remy Sanders:

Age: 12 (birthday January 16)

Pronouns: he/him/they/them/it/its

Height: damnit how tall are 12 year olds

Shoulder length hair dyed dark purple at the roots that fades into magenta at the ends (hair colour changes periodically depending on what it feels like having), chocolate brown eyes, fairly dark skinned but not heavily so, gender expression changes at the drop of a hat but it often wears leather, skirts, beanies, and a heck ton of earrings (when it turns eighteen it starts getting a lot of different piercings like angel bites, nostril, and industrial piercings, etc) (that’s worth noting)

Almost always sarcastic but that’s its way of showing love really. It’s a helluva punk that can and will fight anyone to the death if they deserve it (or if they hurt someone Remy likes). It’s actually a huge nerd but doesnt usually show that side of itself. It loves reading, watching shows like doctor who, and doing puzzles with Logan

Was diagnosed with adhd after Emile noticed it experienced similar symptoms for quite a while

Was adopted by Thomas and Emile when it was a baby (and Anton was four), having been found by Emile when it was left in a box in an alleyway, which was a long and complicated process but one hundred percent worth it

It has a trio of male rats named Holmes, Watson, and Splinter. Thomas was a bit reluctant to let it adopt rats but they all went to a rat breeder and when Thomas saw them all and even held one he realised it wasn’t so bad and they were actually kinda cute

When it was nine years old, it nearly died in a nasty hit and run. A truck had swerved into it when it was by the side of the road. It was fine after a lengthy recovery except it had to use a wheelchair after some spinal cord damage left it immobilised from the waist down. The driver was never identified

It probably wasn’t a coincidence that this event occurred not long after remy started talking about how much it loved boys just as much as it loved girls, but that teas a bit too hot for this post

Logan’s sisters:

Ellen Adams-Waterson:

Age: 26

Pronouns: she/her

Height: 5’6”

Light auburn hair going just barely past the shoulders, honey eyes, fair skinned though mildly tanned, covered from head to toe with freckles, red framed rectangular glasses, usually wears clothes for comfort and especially likes turtlenecks

She’s a determined, steadfast kinda gal who fights for whats right and gives everything she has for her loved ones, especially her immediate family. Although she can be pretty blunt with her words she’s also kindhearted and wants whats best for everyone

She’s an avid writer, and has actually published a novel. She also dabbles in fanfiction and is unashamed about it

She’s married to a wonderful wife named Elizabeth and they have a daughter named Kaylee (15)

She’s also been trying to quit smoking but so far that has yielded no results

Ashley Fletcher (formerly Adams):

Age: 24

Pronouns: she/her

Height: 5’10”

Long light ash brown hair that reaches her tailbone that she keeps parted to the right, electric blue eyes, fair skinned and a face full of freckles, black rectangular glasses, tries to be fashion forward but mostly just wears T-shirts and denim jackets

She’s a trans woman and has been transitioning for a few years now with lots of support from her family. She’s a nice person but let’s people walk all over her a bit. She doesn’t like confrontation much because of her anxiety disorder, but she’s trying to get better with that

Loves acting and wants to pursue it as a career, but her anxiety makes it difficult to put herself out there

Married to a trans man named warren and they have a son named jack (11) and a daughter named Emma (6)

She met warren at a pride event with Logan and Patton, and it was actually Patton who met him first (although at the time he went by a different name and didnt know he was trans yet) and then introduced him to the others

They actually talked about adopting a child long before even considering marriage. Although they realised it would look better to adoption agencies if they were married, and that was the main reason they even went through all of that

Renae Adams:

Age: 21

Pronouns: she/her/he/him

Height: 6’8”

Short wavy hair dyed bright pink, amber eyes, fair skinned, a black *dabs* styling pair of Warby Parker’s, often wears high neck shirts and suit jackets, basically always business casual because she can, and loves wearing hoop earrings

There are two sides to Renae; either stone cold businessperson or happy go lucky memelord with a heart of gold. She’s a lot like Logan in that regard, although it’s harder to predict what side of her you’ll see at any given moment. She can either be a super soft bean or the scariest person on the planet

Has been dealing with OCD her whole life, and sometimes it gets particularly bad (especially the intrusive thoughts) but she has a therapist and psychiatrist she sees somewhat regularly

She runs her own coffee shop called Real Bean Café and it does fairly well. She’s always thinking about how she can improve her business

She’s aroace so she isn’t in a romantic relationship but she is in a queerplatonic relationship with a beautiful enby named Pigeon

They actually met in her coffeeshop. Renae saw Pigeon’s Attack on Titan T-shirt and was immediately compelled to talk to them

And that is it for part two of the character bios!!! Might make another post talking about Logan’s sisters’ kids and partners but idk we’ll see 👀

I just really like character designs man lmao

Lemme know if I need to tag anything else my brain box isn’t generating the required tags rn lmao

#ts home for christmas #thomas sanders #sanders sides #sanders sides au #thomile #thomas x picani #thomas x emile #emile picani #adhd picani #adhd emile #character thomas #remy sanders #critic sanders #it/its use #car accident mention #hit and run mention #injury mention #ocd mention #long post

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livingasaghost · 4 years

Text

is this too personal? should it go on my private journal blog? maybe so. but i don’t fucking care.

listen i know to fall in love is like THE PEAK of the human experience (for some people, or at least that’s what the allo world has led me to believe) and i do in fact know it EXISTS like i know true love is real and it’s out there and people are living a fairytale where someone will stay married to you for like 30+ years and they will do ANYTHING you ask them too just bc they think you’re cool but like.........the fuck of it all is that i still believe romance isn’t meant for me

way back when i started this blog when i was but a dumb high school child i would always get pent up on line UGH ALAS NO ONE WILL LOVE ME I AM GROSS AND STUPID! (which like...valid) and i kept feeling shitty bc everyone was falling in love (none of those couples save the one shitty one survived that hellhole) and no boys would pay attention to me (me, a girl who stayed at home 90% of the time, did no extra curriculars outside of guitar lessons, and did not EVER interact with the boys in her classes unless forced to) and also i think i just hated myself (still valid sometimes) ...wait where was i going with this...OH YEAH i kept feeling sorry for myself bc NO ONE WOULD EVER LOVE ME and it felt like some huge travesty that no guy would ever tell me he thinks i’m special and beautiful and that he would do my laundry for me if i asked (the golden standard honestly). which like...in some ways, might be true. i do think true love is special and i think everyone deserves a shot at finding that, but i think it’s been cool to see my views on all this change over the past few years.

it’s not that i don’t believe in love. it’s not even that i believe i’m undeserving of it or that no man will ever find me attractive (bc honey i am GORGEOUS and i don’t CARE). like i think if i put myself out there and did try to go on dating apps or meet people at parties or go to bars i COULD do it. like i DID go on a date last year and that guy was VERY MUCH into me. and it was sweet. it was nice to have those nervous butterflies bc OMG WAIT YOU THINK IM CUTE??? NO WAY like yes that was nice! so clearly it can happen! it’s a thing! but like...i think i’ve become more exposed to that stuff and i’ve been in those situtations and i’ve realized that i am much more aroace than i thought. i still don’t think i’m aro, by any means, bc i genuinely love romance books (which means i like romance yes????? who’s to say) but like...man the idea of being IN A RELATIONSHIP...it’s weird man.

what’s odd is that up until like...2008/2009ish i don’t think i EVER was fantasizing about marriage/falling in love...at least not like that, not dramatically. i remember in 8th grade i went to oh lord it was a BIBLE STUDY OF ALL PLACES and the girls were like “so are you praying for your future husband????” and i was like uhhh what and then i SPIRALED SO HARD after that bc i was like FUCK I MIGHT HAVE A FUTURE HUSBAND!!! WOW!!!! A WEDDING IS SO PRETTY!!! I SHOULD HAVE THAT!! I GET TO HAVE THAT!! THE UNIVERSE/GOD OWES ME THAT!!!! I’M GONNA BE THAT!!!! and like the fuck of it all is that if i had never had that realization, had never seen bride wars or started a journal to my future husband (PLZ LAUGH BC IT’S THE SADDEST MOST HETERO THING I HAVE EVER DONE AND I HATE IT BUT I KEEP IT BC IT’S A JOURNAL OF THAT TIME OF MY LIFE) i don’t think i would have spiraled so much in high school fearing i’d end up alone. like sure when i started reading romance books i got sad too, but i don’t think i realized until that age that like...i was so invested in marriage? (yes we switched from love to married we’ll get to that - apparently it’s therapy time????) like i think i always assumed it’d happen for me bc doesn’t everyone get married and have kids? (my sweet summer child oh boy the brainwashing was deep) and it’s like.......fine. bc marriage is fine. love is fine and great whatever. (and i had a great marriage to learn from) but also...........all those expectations were pinned upon me when in actuality what i’m realizing now is that IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER!!!!!!

like i’ve been to a number of weddings now and i’ve seen friends get engaged, have breakups, fall headfirst in love and then fall out it just as quick, i’ve seen friends be single and have hook-ups and get married and have their heart broken and like....even though in my heart of hearts i know it’s worth it if you find it, i also know that i wouldn’t know how to handle it. like i’ve read books about it all, i’ve listened to the songs, hell i HAVE watched other people go through it all...but i still don’t know what mine would be. bc the fuck of it all is that 1) i rarely feel attraction to anyone, and i haven’t met someone i’ve been attracted to since 2010 (!!!!) 2) at the end of the day i don’t think i necessarily want a physical relationship (which is kind of half the reason people marry right?) and 3) i don’t think i can imagine myself being that intimate with another person.

is it possible? yes. maybe one day in another 10 years i’ll make another leap and i’ll be living somewhere like new york and i’ll meet some guy through a job or through travel or through some weird twist of fate and we DO hit it off and everything works out and suddenly i realize that i can only be comfortable with this ONE person and thus we take it slow and eventually get physical and get married and HOORAY ITS ALL FINE IM NORMAL and as it turns out the gut feeling i had at 16 was correct and i AM actually demisexual! could happen. i wouldn’t be totally shocked. but i also know that right now...it’s not a possibility. it would take a LOT for me to be in that place. and i think that’s the difference. ten years ago in high school i just assumed i was normal, i assumed if i got what i thought i wanted it’d all work out and be fine and i’d be happy bc I WAS IN LOVE. but the fuck of it all is that that first date i had? it was proof that you should be careful what you wish for. i don’t want a boy to kiss me. i don’t want a boy to hold my hand. i want someone to talk to, who likes what i like, who supports me and thinks i’m cool, who’ll buy me nice presents sometimes and see me for who i am and not run away. and honestly? i HAVE THAT. i have a few people like that actually.

what i realized was that what i ACTUALLY want, is for the butterfly feeling. that feeling you get where you’re like nervous bc the other person said they think you’re cute and they want to learn more about you and they’re interested in you and they SEE YOU and you feel the same way about them and you think they’re nice to look at and they think you’re nice to look at. that’s what i want. i want the butterflies. i want to be attracted to someone. i haven’t felt that in GOD so many FUCKING YEARS. i mean i feel that with fictional characters sure, but we all know that’s stupid and doesn’t count.

like i kid you not i’ve only been attracted to two (possibly 3, but i’m not counting the 3rd) people in my entire life. just two. (i don’t count the celebrities and characters and things although i guess if i did it’d be up to like 5-10 maybe) but like people i’ve met? two. that’s it. and it’s all so STUPID. bc it DOESN’T MATTER! like i feel weird being like LOVE ISN’T FOR ME I DON’T WANT IT! bc it feels like a lie and i do know i would like someone to fall in love with me. but genuinely, truly, i feel like a different person that the hopeless girl i was in 2010 bc...i don’t need it. i don’t know what i’d do with it. i don’t want someone to touch me.

the great thing about all this that i realized a long time ago is that this bitch is never going to have a bad heartbreak. and i know the saying better to have loved than never love at all.......but i do love. i love all the time so much that sometimes i can’t breathe. i just...don’t have that kind of love. and it’s okay. bc no one will EVER hurt me like that.

like i always said if i WAS going to fall in love it would happen ONCE like i will not be dating multiple people in my lifetime, hell i probably won’t even go on that many dates without finding THE PERSON bc in part i don’t put myself out there often, but mainly bc i KNOW people. i know myself, i know what i want, i have intuition about all that and i truly genuinely think that if i ever found it, it’d be that or nothing. bc i also think the person i’d be into would be similar. and i know people probably think that’s stupid and also there’s nothing wrong with dating a lot of people in your lifetime, in falling in love more than once, but like...i’m not that kind of person. i think part of me really does believe in soulmates, even if there is some level of free will in the world outside of determinism.

but because i feel like that, and bc of my very VERY private personality (who doesn’t let people in easily, who doesn’t care casually, who doesn’t give my heart away without protecting itself) i just don’t think i’d ever let myself...oh no here is a dark truth YIKES...i don’t think i’d ever let myself feel that deeply about someone.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well this is an interesting thought

which is the PERFECT start to a romance novel i might add

like i feel a LOT don’t get me wrong. i may repress my emotions but ya girl has a lot of passion a lot of love a lot of feelings for things. and i do love some people A LOT. like friends mainly. i love them SO MUCH (too much) and the ones who are STILL my friends...i have learned how to let them live their lives. i love them desperately, they inevitably let me down or move or fall in love (jesus christ it’s the worst) or whatever, and then things shift and i tell myself “hey you know what? it’s okay, you’re clearly no longer the most important thing in their life, so you can just pull back and not invest so much in them bc clearly they want to invest in other things and that’s okay!!” and then i move all my affection to someone else who DOES want it at that time, and thus i let people go bc i give them the space i assume they need and then the space gets to big and we can’t overcome it bc i don’t know what i’m supposed to fight or go back or try again or whatever and then they don’t fight for me (maybe bc i didn’t fight first, maybe bc they just stopped caring about me) and then suddenly...it’s over and i’m sad but i’ve put so much distance between us that i don’t really feel anything anymore. like oh my god what the fuck

literally my heart’s self-destruct protocol is that when i notice someone slipping away and stop caring about me i just assume the worst and immediately stop caring about them and then they can’t really hurt me. so the ones who HAVE hurt me are the ones who directly called me out and lied to me or did something bad. most of the people i drifted from who i once ADORED really only stopped being close to me because i thought they didn’t want me around anymore and i didn’t want to be annoying. (or bc i pushed them away bc i didn’t want them but that’s another thing) so like truly i think it would have to be someone being MEAN to me out of nowhere bc otherwise i’d just be like “it’s cool, we grew apart, i’ll get over it” (which i dont believe someone who really loved me would do) ahhhhhhhhhhhh

...

so anyway we all know this is hypothetical and obviously i wouldn’t know how i’d genuinely react if i fell in love but we also know that i WON’T fall in love in the next 5-10 years (prove me wrong by tyler joseph) but it’s fucking VALENTINES DAY WEEK and literally this happens every year bc i try and convince myself that HEY! YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE IN LOVE DAMMIT! but then sometimes i think FUCK! I WANT TO BE IN LOVE DAMMIT! and it’s like honestly yeah mood....but they can coexist. i want to fall in love. i know i would not do well in a romantic relationship right now. i also know i deserve love, and i would be a great partner to someone. but i also know it’s all complicated and fucked up and difficult and i don’t meet people anyway and i wonder if my real partner is somewhere waiting in new york and and and and and and and i’m just so FUCKING SICK OF IT ALL!!!!!!! truly!!!!! i’m sick of feeling inadequate just bc i don’t want to kiss a boy. i’m sick of feeling obligated to fall into society’s romantic norms. i’m sick of waiting for someone to love me and treat me well when i have people who do that already. i’m sick of my friends falling in love, sick of people having their heart broke bc they fall for shitty people...i’m sick of shitty people breaking other people’s hearts for no reason. i’m sick of my awesome parents and their absolutely beautiful true love. i’m sick of being single. i’m sick of daydreaming about what it’d be like to be romantically attracted to someone. i’m sick of reading romance books and i’m sick of wishing i was in one. i’m sick of being asexual. i’m sick of allosexual people. i’m sick of watching people make out. i’m sick of my friends falling in love and then treating their friends like shit just bc they only care about their significant other. i’m sick of VALENTINES DAY!!! i’m sick of weddings!!!! i’m sick of conventional hetero norms!!!! i’m sick of love songs and dating apps and feeling like my worth is tied to someone loving me romantically. i’m sick of SEX OH MY GOD PLZ MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!

i can’t believe my therapist tried to tell me that i would always be a little lonely if i never had a romantic/sexual partner. fuck that. you don’t need anything but your friends and your family and your own self love. god is big enough.

I’M NOT LONELY I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO SEE AND UNDERSTAND ME AND LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM!!!!!

...

just had a weird thought that i can never be an authentic christian bc half my friends aren’t christian so around them i act like christanity is a joke (in some ways it is?) but i also can’t be authentic around my christian friends bc some of the things they say i can’t fully stand behind either bc i am a secular person too and it’s just like WE REALLY CAN’T WIN HUH GOD!!!!! i love being unknowable!!!! at least i have laura shes the only person who understands both sides that’s nice

oh my god i get to hug laura the day after tomorrow

...

anyway.

can’t wait to be the random single family member who shows up at all the family gatherings while all my cousins get married and have kids! i finally have accepted that i get to live that dream and WOW IT FEELS GOOD!!!!!!

#love #marriage #asexuality #demisexuality #vday #why does vday even exist #im not even mad im just like......do we need it #i love capitalism #personal #sorry if you're on mobile just SCROLL PLZ

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comicteaparty · 4 years

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March 21st-March 27th, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from March 21st, 2020 to March 27th, 2020. The chat focused on the following question:

What are some background details you know about your story that won’t ever actually come up in the main narrative?

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Oh boy... So many in Whispers of the Past... The first—which I believe I've mentioned before—is that some of the characters' sexualities never really get brought up outside of some subtle subtext. For example, Ryukou is asexual aromantic, but he is married, and he honestly doesn't even know that being aroace is a thing. His wife, Maya, is bisexual, and her attraction to women is hinted at, but not explicitly said. The second background detail that will likely never make it into the main narrative is Kelan's grief after SPOILER the death of his wife. END SPOILER The story takes place years after this event, and yet he still hasn't completely recovered. That being said, it just never really comes up in the narrative, again, outside of subtext. Thirdly, Izrekiel actually has a dependency on physical contact and skinship, because of the lack of affection he was given as a child. This, once again, only really comes up in subtext and is hinted at through his actions, but it is never explained. Aaaaand finally, there is a lot of magical lore that is never explained even remotely. In the story, it is treated very much like a soft magic system, but there are some "harder" elements that go into explaining why certain things have happened, but... they are not actually explained in the story. More like... I know about them, and I can explain these things to anyone who cares to ask (edited)

Capitania do Azar

Oh I suppose that in https://www.sarilho.net/en/ I'm never gonna go in detail about the geopolitics, the different power structures or even how the main empire is structured. We may get hints at it, but it's not necessary for the story so I don't think I'm gonna include much. Details about characters' sexualities are prolly just gonna be hinted at mainly because they don't have the words to express them the same way we do Also I really care about the differences between the different languages and particularly between the spoken and written versions of these, but I can't find a way to have a character explain those just because so you'll have to figure it out through background information like posters and graffiti

sagaholmgaard

Ohh this prompt came at the right time because it's been on my mind lately!! In Reclaim, https://tapas.io/series/_Reclaim_ My two main characters, Albus and Styrka, are in a queerplatonic relationship, which they don't have the word for and it doesn't ever come up except in subtext. I'm trying to write them so that it really shows that they love each other, and everyone knows this, but there won't be a point were they "get together" so to speak because they already have everything they want between each other! And I'm very Soft for this but also nervous that when the story is finished people might feel let down that it doesn't end up in straight up romance? if that makes sense And there's a lot of history research I did that is contextually there but not mentioned in words. That's just one of those things where my knowledge is deeper than what shows in the comic, but I think the story is better for it :D (It's not historic fiction because I'm taking a lot of liberties, but the research is helpful all the same)

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

One of the paladin/church knight's gay, but it never comes up, because, you know, marriage in their world's decided by the parents, because it's a matter of inheritance and heirs not love. He's married, and actually decent friends with his wife and children, but he's taking his oaths seriously. So he never even mentions the people's he's attracted too.

There are openly gay couples in the story, it just didn't work out for him; his family needed that alliance.

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

In Phantomarine (http://www.phantomarine.com/) I have two gods that drive the entire story. But seven other gods existed at one point in time. I will be delving into at least two other gods’ stories - as a good background for why the remaining two are in such a tumultuous relationship - but there are five others that I don’t really plan on writing about in great detail. Their symbols and names may pop up in various texts/decorations/etc, but there’s not enough time for a super detailed character study of each. Perfect for side stories, though

mariah (rainy day dreams)

Rainy Day Dreams (http://rainydaydreams.mariahcurrey.com/) takes place in an alternate dimension and the plot deals mostly with interdimensional travelers, but the world is post first interstellar contact also. Only the story isn't a sci-fi so there's no real reason to talk about how robust their space program is and there are already monsters so there's no easy way to tell who's a native and who's and alien.

eli [a winged tale]

Whoa Mariah that sounds fun! I love how everyone’s worlds are complex and in depth and there are clues within the story

Would these details be part of another project/side stories/lorebook? What’s everyone’s plans for these secrets

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

My secrets are basically just stewing in my brain I mean, I guess if a reader ever asked, I'd spill all the secrets, but so far, that hasn't happened.

Tuyetnhi (OIYD!)

same lmao

I guess a background detail the comic won't get into is how the imagery in Cara's dream became promiment before her dream boyfriend came to the picture. I did wrote a prequel where she was having dreams of her late grandma who's stories got super visual in her head. Most of the events she told to Cara were from late 70's Vietnam.(edited)

some of those dreams and nightmares were partly inspired from my parent's part growing up in the time, such as my dad encountering a ghoulish corpse with his grandpa and my mom actually building things from a hut in the jungle

so yeah lmao. ghost story dreams

eli [a winged tale]

Mariah I’m curious about non-scifi parallel universe space program alien monsters are they more the reasoning for how the story exists but you won’t be going into depth with them? (Ie not a plot twisty thing?)

Ghost story dreams and parallel places in real life sound like a good atmosphere/mood element in your story!

Tuyetnhi (OIYD!)

yeah lmao. I wasn't sure how to add it but Cara does mention about her grandma's story in future chapters (if my hands let me draw faster lolol). but as a small tibit. Maybe I'll sit down and write more as a side story lol

eli [a winged tale]

Side stories sound like a great way to showcase more of the world

Tuyetnhi (OIYD!)

I'll consider it lolol

mariah (rainy day dreams)

They're just kind of an additional details that I came up with while thinking about the world. The planet itself I decided a long time ago is Eart but like 100,000 years in the future so the tectonic plates have shifted and the continents are different. The setting is kind of a mix of old-timey and futuristic, but also mixed with magic so the lines between what is technology and what's just supernatural are already pretty blurred. So since it's already sort of a futuristic society I thought it would just be a neat addition to also have had aliens either have shown up or been discovered. I also figured that since the world is super used to inter-dimensional travelers they probably wouldn't be super freaked out to life from off-planet since they already know they aren't alone in the multi-verse? X'D but this stuff really doesn't have any baring on the main story. Like it might be something Mara tells Tristin as some point to blow her human mind. I just like to dig into little setting corners and make tunnels readers probably won't ever see X)

eli [a winged tale]

Ooh that sounds really neat! A big world to discover for the attentive readers

DanitheCarutor

Oh I got some stuff! 1. Part of this can be spoilers for future scenes, so I'm putting it behind a thing. SPOILER Apollo's origin. He was adopted and while at some point him and Julian discuss his parents briefly, it never really comes up in the main narrative. Apollo himself doesn't really care much since he was adopted as a baby and doesn't even know who they are outside of a picture that was given to him as a kid. Essentially they were an Irish couple who moved to the states, the father died at some point and the mother followed close behind during childbirth. There weren't any known relatives, at least ones that wanted to him, so Apollo went into the system and was lucky enough to be adopted almost immediately. END SPOILER 2. Julian's origin. This is kind of brought up briefly later on, but Julian doesn't really know where they're from so nothing much comes of it outside of remembering small bits of how their life was before being found. Although it is eluded to what the situation possibly could have been. 3. Julian's real age and date of birth. Since they didn't have any kind of ID the doctors had to guess their age, which isn't an important detail for the story so I don't see a point in adding it. 4. The details of what happened at Hopeful Hands. This place is discussed a lot, but the talk is more about the trauma that was inflicted and how to move on, rather than lingering on the details. Although enough of what happened is brought up to get a good picture of what kind of place it is/was. I figured laying it all out would be a little too much, and would take away from the main point of the story. 5. The lives of Apollo's friends. There are a couple side character who get fleshed out a bit later on, but since the story isn't about them I didn't see a need in showing more than what is necessary.

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Hmm... there's certainly quite a few things that don't show up in the main narrative. Like Super Galaxy Knights Deluxe R is very much the Mizuki show, very few other characters get deep explorations into their backstories. But, like, that's what the short stories are for. As for things that never show up in the series at all... the only ones I can think of are the history of the world (because, like, it's pretty boring) and the specifics of how certain technology works. Like, I have a list of people & companies that various locations in the series were named after, and a list of the dynasties in the Giduli Kingdom. There's... not really any interesting stories there, it's just a dry list, so it's not something really worth caring about. And, like, saying "FTL travel in this world works by traveling to a parallel universe where everything is exactly the same except half as big" is kinda interesting I guess... but there's no reason for any character to mention it, and that specific detail really isn't relevant to the story besides "there is FTL travel in this world".

Feather J. Fern

Oh man, for Teasday, any detail about what the actual background of the story is. It's mostly character driven, if the characters don't care, or don't know, they don't talk about it. For Go Figure, I think no one is going to be told anything about the other battles in the past but they did happen.

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

There are so many stories I have built into the backstories of various characters that probably won't come up in the main work but have thought about making other adjacent comics about. For example I could imagine doing a prequel type thing about Joe's life & exploits

Since he is a cool character but unfortunately dead for this entire story

AntiBunny

In AntiBunny, http://AntiBunny.net/ I can't think of any reason to bring up the fact that Runo is asexual. Juju is also bisexual, and that also never comes up.

Desnik

Right now it's the warlock's magic system. I got it all worked out and then it suddenly had nothing to do with my plot.

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

I think sexuality details are easier to work in than a lot of people expect. You don't need a character to stand up and announce Have I Mentioned That I Am Asexual Today -- it can be an offhand mention that not all your readers will even pick up on. (But the ones who are looking for it will notice.) https://leifandthorn.com/comic/family-deserts-4-33/

What I've teased but never been able to work into Leif & Thorn canon (yet?) are the details of the World's Largest Cheese Sculpture.

There's also a lot of country names and flags in the bank that haven't shown up yet...but I'm about to draw scenes from a big international song competition, so I'm probably gonna need even more than I already have.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

TBH as an ace person, I don't really pick up on these things. It has to be more concrete for me. Kudos for those who do pick up on them and find them validating, though.

The cheese sculpture sounds epic.

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

Ahhh, that's what "reading the comments section to check out other people's theories" is for!

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I do that, but I don't consider that canon until the actual comic convinces me

It's also not something we creators can rely on, especially those of us who don't get many comments...

I'm not saying this is bad. Offhand mentions are great, just not concrete proof for everybody (and nothing is for everybody, sooooo).

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

Yeah, as a reader I like a lot of comics that don't get many comments...but it's cool when they do and there are people coming up with things.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

So I get it if a fellow creator finds it difficult to show that a character is ace -- like, maybe they're like me and they want Concrete Proof rather than an indication.

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

But the creator would already have concrete proof, right? Since it's their character. And the idea is that, even if it won't reach all readers, the indications are still better than nothing.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Yeah, like I said, they're not bad to have.

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

(for reference, the comic I linked above isn't the first offhand-mention related to that character, it's just the point when readers started putting it together)

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I'm not trying to dissuade anyone from slipping in those indications. Just saying different strokes for different folks.

DanitheCarutor

Reminds me of a comic I read called 'WANDERING' (https://tapas.io/series/wandern), the main male character in it is ace, although this is never stated out right in the story. At some point readers were speculating about his sexuality due to some hints, although I was totally oblivious. Didn't have any idea where the discussion came from. I do agree that a reader is more likely to pick up on something if they're looking for it though, as someone who doesn't care too much about a character's sexuality and gender (when those subjects aren't important to the story) I don't pick up on then unless the author holds my hand a little. Although when it comes to one of my character's genders it's never stated in my comic either, someone just asks about pronouns and attire later on and that's it. Kind of ironic. Lol

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I'm in a similar boat. Most of my characters' orientations are left ambiguous. I may need to drop an additional hint or two for some of them...

DanitheCarutor

Pfff right? I don't think my comic even had the word 'gay' in it until a few pages ago and I'm already into chapter 5. (to be fair, Apollo's sexuality is pretty obvious. The hits are really unsubtle.) I've thought about making my character's gender more easy to read for oblivious people like me, but that part of the comic is more about what makes them feel good in their own skin rather than putting a title to it. So people who miss my Twitter posts and author's comments can just speculate for themselves, I guess.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I can respect that. For me, a big part of the reason I'm wanting to put more hints is because I don't want people to accuse me of.... what people accused Legend of Korra about (I didn't watch it, but I did see some of those complaints)

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Ah... The good ol' "why is she randomly bi?"

They didn't do a good job of showing it throughout the series up until that point at the end

But, big but, the creators mentioned that she was always intended to be bi, but they were afraid that Nickelodeon wouldn't let them represent a bi character on TV.(edited)

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Again, coming from someone who hasn't watched it, I feel like the complaint should be "why is she suddenly in love" rather than "why is she suddenly bi" -- same issue with shoehorned in straight romance

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

That too

These characters were fighting over the same man at some point

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

big shrug indeed, it sounds like

DanitheCarutor

Oooh! I thought it was the "stop the show to announce my gender/sexuality" thing. I never saw the show either and didn't see many of the complaints since I don't hang out on social media very often. Lol @keii’ii (Heart of Keol) That's understandable! With how stuff like that is nowadays it's better to be safe and make sure readers know, rather than not make it known till the last possible minute. It does kind of suck if putting in bigger hints doesn't mesh with will your story though.

Gosh, about the Korra thing, they could have dropped some subtle pick up lines in while fighting over the dude. But not wanting your show to get pulled or not wanting to be denied stuff is understandable.

Tuyetnhi (OIYD!)

oh yeah, the LoK convos about Korra and Asami. I watched the show during that time and it's just rip

Nick said to the creators they will pull the show if there's an explict statement that Kora and Asami being BI

so they had to be lowkey as hell in the end, which at the time of 2013-2014? idk the year

it was a steping stone for american cartoons I guess rip

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Yeah, and even though LoK aired back when things were a little different.... honestly I still feel that kinda pressure from EVERY angle, just a different flavor of it.

Tuyetnhi (OIYD!)

yea

DanitheCarutor

Well, last minute LGBT+ is better than none. Now there are a few shows like that, right? SU is super into it? (I don't watch this show either so I'm guessing based on fan discussion) and the MLP final dropped in some last minute stuff.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I have at least one character with cross orientation, and that's really awkward to show when I don't wanna put any... sex in the comic. (It's got lots of juvenile "tee hee butts" kinda stuff, but nothing steamy)

AntiBunny

Other tidbits I've thought of that I couldn't really address without just dropping a big exposition bomb are bits of lagosapien biology. They for instance have a shorter adolescence than humans, so they're shorter, but reach adulthood sooner. Their eyes are a bit wider than a human's, giving them a wider field of view, but less depth perception, and that they have higher muscular density, but being about half the size are on average human, are a little weaker than an adult human.

eli [a winged tale]

I know some webcomics have world lores and character notes at the end of each chapter

mathtans

Oh, things that don't show up? Randomly I'll toss in here that Expona is left handed. (Mostly consistently, I may have slipped up in the art once or twice.) Never something that makes sense for characters to talk about though, and not plot relevant, so... does that qualify? I dunno.

Joichi / Sarah

@Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn) sorry I'm late but I like the way you point out about asexuality. I was thinking of how to show concrete proof one's ace. But most of the time, I can pick up 'emotional signs' if it has inner monologue about romance.

The hard part of it, is being one myself, and it's always 'been like this' but in comic, it has to be said somewhere

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

Ah, good to hear!

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

And yeah, that was my intention, encouraging people who feel stuck between "explicit announcement" or "nothing at all" to remember that you have in-between options. And if you take that approach, there's all kinds of creative/offbeat/fun things you can do with it.

(Applies to everything else, too, sexual orientation just happens to be the thing people were talking about when it came up.)

#ctparchive #comic #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #creator interview #comic creator interview #creator babble #comic tea party #ctp

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staliasjeronica · 5 years

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If Netflix Owned Riverdale

It’s clear that they don’t mind graphic scenes; they don’t care about blood, sex, or swearing. So... that means actual, hot steamy sex scenes between the couples! (Or at least something that leads up to it and is almost equally satisfying)

What they would (probably) do with the couples:

Knowing that Bughead is EXTREMELY toxic and co-dependent, Netflix wouldn’t have kept them going for as long as the CW has. Bughead probably would have stayed broken up when they broke up the first time, or AT LEAST a little before season two started. Betty would have come clean about the shit she’s done and admit that she needs help, and Jughead would break up with her and support her as she got a therapist and bettered herself and her outlook on life and relationships (so she wouldn’t have lied about getting a therapist nor would she have abused adderal. Or, maybe she would but it would be a great plotline to get her some help and whatnot)

Betty would (eventually) grow closer to Archie, remember her love for him and their promise to each other (after she’s on the path to getting better, of course). She would realize that she really only loved Jughead because of Archie’s “I’ll never be good enough for you” speech and that he was kind of a place holder. Throughout the season as she discovered this, she would hate herself and feel so bad and try to make it up to Jughead, but when he finds out, he would tell her it was okay, because he secretly dated her because her dark Betty side reminded him of Veronica, the girl he was absolutely in love with. But, she was with Sweet Pea, and taking her from him would put Jughead in a really bad position in the Serpents—Sweet Pea and Toni ruled the South Side (If it had to be one of the teens, anyway) and because of his recklessness, he was 👌🏻 close to being kicked out. Betty and Jughead would end on good terms, but both have their own problems, obviously.

Veronica and Archie dated for awhile, simply having fun with one another and liking the qualities that they gave each other that they got from nobody else. But eventually they both grew tired of it. They remained friends, but ultimately their love had expired, and Veronica found her way to Sweet Pea (everyone was surprised, except for Cheryl who was the one who pushed them together in the first place). Despite Archie’s reputation as a boy who was quick to hop from woman to men, whoever he was interested in, it actually took him a while to allow himself to indulge in being with Betty (the timelines would eventually meet up, Betty being a better version of herself, Archie would confess his feelings and they would get together).

Jughead would come to realization that he was aroace, his attraction to Veronica being a big part of one of the seasons and he would slowly realize his sexuality and the following season, he would embrace it. His love for Veronica would be justified — he loved her, of course, but it wasn’t romantic or sexual at all. So, his conflict with the Serpents would be fixed.

Choni would pretty much rule the show. Every single Netflix social media account has said that they love Choni, so it’s obvious who the main, favorite couple would be. They would explore Toni’s past, Cheryl’s PTSD and her feelings about her brother, her suicide attempt, etc. Overall, we’d get all of the things we’re robbed of right now. Toni wouldn’t be some prop to Cheryl.

Swangs would be visited. Maybe before or after SweetVee, it just depends. It’s clear that Fangs is at least Bisexual (we would officially find out his sexuality in the show), and seeing how close he is to Sweet Pea (and both actors shipping Swangs) they would get together maybe permanently or not, again, it depends.

Josie and Sweet Pea would have happened, but like in the show, it was only a cute summer fling. She would end up with Reggie (who Veronica did briefly date before or after Archie and Sweet Pea), getting through her issues with her parents and whatnot, and helping Reggie to be a better guy (like he is in season three). And she would definitely apologize for using him to annoy her mother.

Kevin would start off with Moose, helping him to come out of the closet but ultimately know that he doesn’t love him, and would remain friends with him as he got back with Joaquin. They would deal with Kevin’s dislike of Joaquin’s doing in Jason’s murder, and emphasize that Joaquin is actually a pretty good guy (like he is in like every single Joavin fic, and canon). Kevin would apologize to Fangs about turning him down when they were doing the production of Carrie: The Musical.

Speaking of the musical... FANGS WOULD BE ALLOWED TO GRIEVE MIDGE. MOOSE WOULD FEEL GUILTY ABOUT ALL THE TIME SHE (almost? wanted? did?) CHEAT ON MIDGE. Moose would also apologize to Fangs about attacking him after Midge was murdered. Reggie would apologizing for almost shooting him (and I forgot about this but Archie would apologize for pointing a gun in Sweet Pea’s face). Basically, everyone who has to apologize for anything would actually fucking do it.

Falice would be together, after breaking it off with their spouses (and Hal would not be the black hood because we all know that that was suddenly made up for Betty to take Archie’s plotline). Jellybean and Gladys would not be criminals, and they would come back and finally be a family together, but of course with some problems like every family.

Chuck would get his redemption arc and it would STAY. He’d probably have a love triangle between him, Josie, and Reggie, or maybe they would get into a three-way relationship. I’ve only ever seen that once in a TV show and it was incredible. I LOVED it. I miss Sense8 ugh...

The Serpents would come to an end, because those poor kids shouldn’t have to put up an angry (Sweet Pea) front to protect themselves. Also, Sweet Pea would open up about his past and we would find out why he is like he is, same with everyone we don’t know already.

I don’t remember what else I was going to add so I guess i’ll leave it here. Um... add stuff in the comments if you want to? If you don’t agree with what I’ve said that’s fine but please be respectful and understanding.

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kincringeemporium · 6 years

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So I promised y’all a high school kinnie storytime. Suffer/enjoy.

First off, for some context, I was generally a dick in high school. Nobody has to be a social butterfly, and if you’re more focused on your education than having lots of friends at that age, hey, good on you. I’m not dragging that. I’m saying that I was -- again -- a pretentious little piece of shit.

Now, being a pretentious little piece of shit, I sought people who didn’t follow the usual crowds and didn’t agree with the most common points of view in my school. These people were, in my mind, smarter. Better. More worth my time.

However, being rather bored and lonely and wanting at least one friend, I kind of shrugged off some red flags that showed up among the people who did meet my stupid fucking high standards. I didn’t ignore these red flags, but shrugged and went, “Well, if I don’t hang out with them, I won’t be hanging out with anyone.”

So, here are the key players in this magical tale of bullshit.

If, by some fucking miracle, either of them manage to find this (because they are most definitely on tumblr), I don’t want some shitsplosion out of my laptop screen -- so, fake names.

Marc, who claimed to be an aroace trans boy. (I say “claimed” because... you’ll see.)

Z, who was apparently nonbinary, also I can’t remember anything about their name other than that it had a Z in it.

Alright... So I decided to start a writing club. Marc, Z, and some others showed up because I’d been polite to them in classes and such. We also shared some interests. Mainly Steven Universe and Tumblr. (The others aren’t really important, so I won’t mention them beyond that.)

In the first meeting, we shared our names, pronouns, hobbies, and years of writing experience. Marc and Z didn’t come up with any hobbies aside from “Internet”, “anime”, and the dreaded “social activism”. At this point, the logical bit of my brain was like, yikes.

But it gets way, way worse. We also shared our Tumblr urls (my high school Tumblr is still out there, btw). I will now list some of the shit that I encountered on their blogs.

“Soft confused transboy, they/them or he/him” on Marc’s about

Undertale Sans in front of green/yellow/black flag as Marc’s icon

Some edgy, fake-deep line in Z’s about (I don’t remember what)

“They/them, xe/xem” in Z’s about

A whole fuck ton of SU Peridot posts from Z

Posts on both blogs @’ing each other, tagged with “qpp”, “pda”, and related shit

“lol Big Gay!” and “ewww straights!” jokes all over both blogs

Yeah. Yikes. But still, I was pretty desperate for something to do.

So I kept talking to them. I thought Marc was alright, so tried to find out more about him. Eventually we got round to talking about crushes, orientations, etc. I asked Marc what qpp meant.

He gave me some long winded explanation that didn’t actually explain much. What I understood from it was that a qpp is a friend who you love, but aren’t in love with. (Which is... just a best friend.)

Z gave a similar explanation. And I thought... alright. I guess that’s that. Weird, but eh.

Until one day, a ‘tag something about your crush/s.o.’ post appeared on my dash from Marc tagged “I kissed my qpp today!! I’m so happy!!!” And I was... confused. Didn’t Marc, as an aromantic person, not fall in love? Didn’t kissing someone and getting those warm fuzzy feelings mean you were in love with them?

I decided to do some digging. An initial scroll through Z’s blog revealed surprisingly little of interest... but then I found, buried somewhere in their links, a “me” button. So I clicked it. Selfies. I was about to click off before I reached the very bottom and, being in public, had to do a double take to ensure no one was behind me. A bikini selfie, yay! And Z was 16. Butt out, tits out, all of it. Tagged with, you guessed it, “body positivity”.

Now... I’m not insulting overweight people (Z was a little overweight) for liking themselves, feeling confident, etc. I’m not even insulting them in particular wearing bikinis, even if I don’t like bikinis in general. I’m saying that at 16, Z should not have been posting sexy selfies under the guise of a movement that claims to be built on self acceptance and confidence.

So, I pulled away from Z some.

That left me more time to talk with Marc. I didn’t say a word about his relationship (bc that’s what it was) with Z. Looking back, I find it odd that throughout our entire friendship, Marc didn’t mention dysphoria. Of course nobody has to tell all their friends all about their dysphoria. There was just no “Ugh, I got misgendered earlier” or anything about “pre-transition, I...” But anyway.

I started looking through Marc’s blog again. There were a hell of a lot of Sans posts and it didn’t click with me back then that Marc may have been a fictionkin. I don’t recall if he tagged the Sans posts with anything kinnie-ish, but holy fuck, there were a lot. It was weird.

Also weird was that as the year went on, Marc stopped showing up to writing club as often. I asked him what was up, and said that if he didn’t want to be in the club anymore, he should just let me know - because that’d be okay. But no, he made some excuse and walked away from the conversation.

The next day, I got a text from Marc saying (not verbatim, but still): “Hey, my anxiety has been really bad lately, and my doctors are saying not to participate in social clubs like this. I’m too tired. Really sorry!”

I said it was fine and didn’t think much of it. He and Z still spent a lot of time together in the halls and such; I didn’t put a ton of thought into that, either.

Sometime the next week, a writer friend of mine (who was also in the club, and not annoying or shitty or anything), invited me to a GSA meeting. I was bored and decided to try it out.

When I walked in, guess who the fuck I saw?

Marc and Z.

He could not even meet my eyes. I’ve never seen a person look that fucking guilty. My writer friend could tell something was up, smartly wanted no part of it, and excused herself.

Marc had been attending GSA meetings the entire damn time, while claiming that he was following doctor’s orders by leaving writing club.

Fucker.

That’s the last I saw of Marc and Z.

And all the things that add up to suspiciously kinnie-like behavior...

Z’s neopronouns

Marc’s weird mogai-ish version of aromanticism

Marc’s Sans icon and Sans posts

Z’s fuck ton of Peridot posts

Both Z and Marc encouraging each other’s behavior

Marc’s lying and fake anxiety claims

“soft transboi”

So... that’s that.

I’ve got more cringe-inducing stories, too. I can tell y’all about:

A girl in bio class who was a complete ballsack

she was obnoxiously, overly sweet

she used her mental disabilities as an excuse to act ignorant

she thought being gay was a choice

she clearly had no respect for transgender people (with legitimate gender dysphoria)

was a complete pain in the ass to my favorite teacher

I did something passive aggressive to her because I was done with her shit

Two girls in anime club who were also huge ballsacks

appeared to hate each other

one was very small, quiet, and a loner

other was loud, edgy, and unironically said “we’re here and we’re queer!”

quiet one 100% lead me on

loud one was a fucking dick to me

there’s a plot twist

bonus: loud dickish one tried to be my friend and I was not falling for it

-K

#long post #cringe #kinnie cringe #high school

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womenlovingwocky · 5 years

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Neopets is very odd nostalgia-wise for me, compared to other online games at least. Very long post after the cut.

I didn't really talk to people on Neopets. I didn't know that there was any sort of forums system, so I just spent my time making neopoints, and trying to get my pets a certain way. I always came back.

My Toontown experience was built with other people. It was a kid without a membership running around with every nice person that had one, going to the busiest server and finding other people to play with. If I wasn't pretending to be a boy so I would go on "dates" with girls, I was doing "game shows." Talking about why they should add tails to the game. Having to explain to my dad why I got banned for saying *hills* when I was being a part of "Tigerclan." Taking advantage of world glitches by teleporting to other people. I hadn't really been on Toontown that often when it was shutting down. I got back on, and I didn't have anything to say goodbye too. It'd been years since I'd talked to anyone I played with, and there was nothing for me to do. I didn't want to deck out my characters with all the unlocked accessories or anything. I tried making a Toontown rewritten account, but I gave up on it. The tutorial didn't give me any nostalgia, and the emptiness and glitchyness of worlds made me give up on it.

Webkinz... I don't know what happened with Webkinz. My experience there was built off characters, like Neopets was. But my interest still dwindled and died. The last Webkinz I got was a pug. I never input their code. I could try going back if I wanted, I know that there's a community, but I don't want to. The nostalgic features of the site are just that. Nostalgic. I don't think I want to go back to them.

There's others too, but none as prominent to me. And then, there's Neopets again. I started playing when I was 7, all because of a yellow McDonald's Gelert. When the name "Hound" was taken, my dad just had me use the recommended ones.

Hound_Hound_a70 became my first Neopet. He didn't stay yellow for long, because I didn't know what the starter blue paintbrush did, but that didn't matter, because I knew I would paint him something else. I eventually filled my account with four pets, and, as I kept revisiting it throughout elementary school, they became characters. Not ones I drew, or talked to people about, or played as, but ones that I just had. Hound_Hound_a70 was an effeminate prince who liked Usukis and didn't want to go back to the Gelert kingdom he was heir too. Tiger16783 was the oldest, a Tyrannian Kougra with a Halloween Kougra little brother. Wolfie_7848 was a bully, but he had a soft spot for his Puppyblew. Armadillo_6257 was a bookworm nerd with a classic nerd/bully dynamic with Wolfie, who he saw the softer side of.

I'd take long breaks from the game, and come back. I didn't play it in the odd duration of me I was finding out I was het-ace, no, aroace, no, bi-ace, no, bi-ace but only liking one out of every million men and they're either fictional or completely unattainable, no, quoiromantic asexual, no, technically bi-ace but it's better to call me gay because of that last bi-ace thing, no, lesbian asexual, no, lesbian and the ace label isn't anyone else's business, not quite, until finally I knew I was a butch lesbian, goddammit. But, anyways, after all that, something (I don't recall what), brought me back to the game. Nothing had changed, except for the fact there was another pet slot. It didn't feel like anything was missing. I found out about the neotag, and shortly after fulfilling my dream of adopting a Wocky (and a well-named Annabell_Lee, at that) from the pound I made my neopets side blog.

I don't know why it was all so seamless. Patching up my old characters, making new ones, and actually talking about them, interacting with people. And it wasn't all that nostalgic. I'd turned to the next chapter of my Neopets life, and that was it. I didn't miss anything. It was the same. I had my characters, my (thedailyneopets) dailies, everything, and more. I still haven't figured out what makes Neopets so special, but, well... I'm not here to complain.

#neopets #neotag #idk. just all weird to me. I don't know why it's stuck

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anotherler · 6 years

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HEYY everyone! It’s pride month so it’s time for me to get up on my soapbox and preach to the choir!

Maybe this year I’ll have the guts to post about LGBTQIA on Facebook or my art twitter.

But yeah! Uh, as you all know Im Ace. Most of my friends understand this but it’s harder to explain it to others. I am still not believed by certain people and it’s a bit frustrating to say the least.

I found out that I was Ace when I was around the age of 14. Before then I didn’t even really know that I was Panromantic; or to put it bluntly “Also interested in people of every other gender known to man”. I considered myself to be a straight ally.

Frankly the signs that I was romantically attracted to genders other than male were there all along as is the case with a lot of people. It’s almost ridiculous how I didn’t find out I could even feel that way for so long. Frankly when it came down to it the feelings were just natural. I crushed on everyone and the most telling thing to me at the time was my crushes on women.

I think the reason why I didn’t catch on to that was because I hadn’t really learned about romantic attraction separate from sexual attraction. When I did, everything made sense.

This gets rather long, so I decided to put it under the break. It’s been divided up into chunks of text so hopefully it’s a pleasant read!

It’s important to stress that this is indeed the case. It’s common for them to be linked, but they are separable. If more people understood this then Ace and Aro and AroAce people would be better understood themselves.

Furthermore, I think it would open up LGBTQIA to people of all ages as it should be. Kids can learn that romantic relationships come in all sorts of ways like 3 or more people together on equal terms, 2 women, 2 men, agendered and any other gender and perhaps more than I can currently think of.

I did not know for the longest time that two people of the same gender could marry and because of this I felt that my crushes on people of the same gender would only be legitimate if they were male. So it was more of an “Oh well, I suppose we could never get married”.

As a child I knew about and thought the idea of marriage was very important. So much so that I thought I would marry another boy my age from the moment I saw him. I had a lot to learn about romance and the path to profound love and profound bonds. What I knew then was all that the media and my parents and guardians taught me.

I believe that marriage and romantic relationships need not be forced on people or hailed as being extremely important...But I do understand that to some people they really are, even from a young age and we should be honest about all the possibilities and let them figure out how they feel.

It doesn’t have to be about sex. We talk about straight romance all the time without mentioning sex. Anybody who tries to tell you that children should not be taught about different ways to feel and different genders they can marry because the content is inherently sexual is giving a really flimsy pool noodle of an excuse.

I spoke a lot about romance just now so I’d like to take a moment to mention something else.

My heart really goes out to the aromantics out there. Whether you are ace on top of that or just aro the way you feel is good and it is okay. There are so many bonds you can form with people other than romance and they are all profound and never any less than important. Love is found in more places than just romance. It’s found in good familial relationships, friends, certain acquaintances and more subgroups.

We can teach kids that romance doesn’t need to be important to them. If they don’t feel it they don’t need to feel the pressure of getting a datefriend just to belong with others. Especially when at a young age these feelings might not even really be present. It’s up to the individual, ultimately.

When I was figuring out my own feelings I felt for a while that I might be an Aromantic Ace and even now I may just lightly brush into that spectrum because of how I specifically am.

I was not at all interested or looking for a relationship when I was in highschool. I wasn’t even planning to marry anybody until I met my lovie. I just wanted to focus on school and my friendships and if something happened...well, I’d roll with it depending on how I felt. And that’s what I did.

It is absolutely okay to do this and it’s okay to not be sure about how you feel at first and even long into your adulthood.

This is important for everyone to know as well whether they are Aro or not. Romance is not a requirement in your life. This is all up to you! You do what you feel is right for you.

These feelings are complicated and you don’t even need to stick a label on them if you don’t want to. I merely identify as ace because it suits me and I want to use that to educate others about asexuality and just generally let everyone know that it’s going to be okay. They can be themselves and do what they feel is right for them.

So those are some of my first thoughts about the separation of romance and sexuality. As always this is written with my opinions and my own personal knowledge on the subject.

If there are any gaps or you want to add onto this then feel free! Im also open to explaining anything that is unclear and hearing other opinions.

#asexuality #pylime's thoughts #aromantic #aroace

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demiromanticmickey · 7 years

Text

Ache

Fandom: Shadowhunters Pairings: Simon Lewis x Raphael Santiago Rating: T Summary: After Simon was all tucked in, Raphael lied down beside him. He turned on his side, supporting himself on his elbow, gazing at Simon’s sleeping form. Raphael frowned deeply, but it was more at himself than at Simon. And more so, still, at the rare feeling forming somewhere inside himself.

———————————————————————- Notes: This fic is a version of my other fic Welcome Home and is through Raphael’s pov. This mostly deals with Raphael being aroace. You don’t have to read my other fic to follow along with this one, but if you’d like to read it, I’ll link it here. :)

I’m not ace, but I am arospec, so I’ve drawn on my own aromantic experiences (and what I’ve read up on asexuality over the years) as inspiration for this fic.

Read on AO3

———————————————————————-

As soon as the door shut, Raphael’s eyes snapped open. But upon realizing who was in his room, he quickly closed them and waited, listening. Raphael’s senses were expertly trained, so he picked up the footsteps in his room, no matter how light they were. And he picked up on the shuddered breath Simon inhaled, realizing it sounded a lot like when someone had been crying. He felt Simon stop a few feet away from him, felt Simon’s eyes watching him briefly.

At the faint sounds of Simon settling himself down on the floor, Raphael opened his eyes again. He quirked an eyebrow at nothing in particular in his dark room. Was Simon- Did he really just sneak into Raphael’s room to sleep on his floor? Raphael remained in his bed for a few moments, confused on what to do. Ultimately, he thought Simon’s actions childish and decided to wake him up to take him back to his own room. When he leaned over his bed, though, and saw how peaceful Simon looked, despite the smeared blood around his eyes, Raphael couldn’t bring himself to do it. Raphael mentally kicked himself. This was just one more thing to add to the growing list of what he allowed Simon to get away with.

Raphael repositioned himself in his bed to try to go back to sleep. That wasn’t really working out, though, because all he could think of was how uncomfortable that floor must feel like. He rolled his eyes at himself, annoyed at how much trouble this fledgling was, and got up from his bed. He pulled the covers back and walked over to Simon to lay him down on the bed. Simon hadn’t made any movements to indicate he knew what was going on or that he would wake up. Figures, Raphael thought. Simon still wasn’t practicing on improving his enhanced senses.

After Simon was all tucked in, Raphael lied down beside him. He turned on his side, supporting himself on his elbow, gazing at Simon’s sleeping form. Raphael frowned deeply, but it was more at himself than at Simon. And more so, still, at the rare feeling forming somewhere inside himself.

Raphael turned over, his back to Simon now, and willed himself to sleep.

———————————————————————-

The duties as Vampire Leader always had Raphael up before anyone else in the hotel. He didn’t mind it. The role of leader fit Raphael very well. It wasn’t often that he was confronted with a problem he couldn’t solve. That was, of course, until he met Simon.

When Raphael woke up, he stiffened briefly, forgetting who was in his bed and why. Remembering the past day’s events, he rolled over and stared at Simon, eyeing him curiously. He was getting some sort of feeling again. He couldn’t really determine if it was good, or bad - or both. It was confusing, that much he could figure out. And the longer Raphael stared at Simon, the more the feeling grew. There was something - something inside him, Raphael thought offhandedly that maybe he was possessed - that made him want to run his hand through Simon’s messy, brown curls.

Raphael gasped and threw the covers off himself as he sat up - his realization hitting him like a freight train. He was possessed, but not by any spirit.

Simon stirred beside him and Raphael, very uncharacteristically, fled from Simon into the comfort and privacy of his bathroom. Great, Raphael thought. He was hiding, in the bathroom, from the boy he has a crush on.

“Get a fucking grip, Santiago. No seas pendejo,” Raphael cursed at himself. He took an unnecessary breath and opened the bathroom door.

Of course, Simon was not awake, he just changed sleeping positions. Raphael chuckled, a little relieved. But like all his other problems, he would have to confront this one too.

Raphael went about his early evening routine as usual, Simon making no other disturbed movements, and headed towards the kitchen. He poured himself a glass of blood and warmed it up in the microwave. It had a different taste after going through the microwave but it was still better than drinking it cold. He poured a second glass and warmed that up as well. He knew Simon formed a good habit of drinking a glass of blood first thing in the morning after Raphael had nagged him so many times about it. And as if summoned by the microwave beeping, Simon emerged in the doorway.

When he turned around, Raphael met Simon’s eyes with his own and held his gaze steadily. He walked confidently up to Simon and handed off the glass of blood before leaving the kitchen. He turned the corner into another hallway and slumped against the wall, thumping his head against it lightly. Alright, so he liked Simon, like, romantically. That was fine. He’s a grown man, a vampire, a leader. He could handle this.

———————————————————————-

Raphael could not handle this. Simon had now slept in his bed every day that week. Every day Simon came to his room a couple minutes earlier, and every day Raphael let him.

Things felt… different between them now - tense. At least, it felt that way on Raphael’s end. He didn’t know about Simon, but last night Raphael had to cut their training session short. Momentarily distracted by how close Simon had been when he stopped a punch from landing, Simon managed to knock Raphael’s legs out from under him. In a split second, Raphael found himself pinned down to the floor with Simon above him. They held eye contact, something they’d been doing increasingly, and suddenly Raphael felt as if he could choke even though he didn’t need air to breathe anymore. He made an excuse about some Vampire business and said he’d send in Lily to finish their training session.

Raphael made a quick getaway to his bedroom, pacing back and forth in his room. He’d been dead for some time now, so logically, Raphael knew his heart was incapable of beating. But there was something… that same ache from before. Like piece by piece his body became devoted to Simon, and that feeling just kept getting stronger, bigger.

Which made sleeping next to Simon almost painful. It hurt to know that he only had a part of Simon, that these moments in bed with him was all Raphael allowed himself. Maybe that wasn’t such a good idea if it only made him feel bad. And then he would remember that night Simon almost let Clary release Camille.

Raphael didn’t kid himself. He knew Simon would do anything for Clary, knew Simon loved her, and maybe always would. Could he allow himself to open up to someone who might still be in love with someone else? Could he allow himself to open up to someone who nearly went against him? Could he really blame Simon if he had? It’s not like Simon had fond memories associated with the DuMort. Raphael could understand that. He himself had died in the hotel, and it took years for him to be able to set foot in the same room he was murdered - the same room he had killed his friends.

As he ran a hand over his face, trying to relax, Raphael decided he’d have to deal with these feelings one way or another.

The following night, he made hasty work of his duties. If Raphael finished any of his tasks early, which he usually did, he’d get a head start on something saved for another night. He didn’t do that this time, though. Documents were signed, emails were sent, bills were paid, an order for a fresh supply of blood filled out, and Raphael even managed to get through Simon’s training session without any slip ups. And when Raphael had finished with all of that, he retreated to one of the lounges in the hotel - an empty one - to read.

Well, he tried to read, but Raphael only made it about a paragraph in before thoughts of Simon muscled their way into his mind. He shut his book in frustration. He was going about this all wrong. What he should have been doing was trying to figure out what to do about what he’d been feeling lately. What he was actually doing was trying to distract himself. That wasn’t like Raphael. So then he knew. Raphael knew what do. He’d have to let Simon know how he felt somehow.

With about an extra hour before the sun came up, Raphael settled into his bed and waited for Simon. He’d actually managed to doze off a bit but woke up a few moments before the sun rose. It wasn’t long until he heard his door open and close. Simon let out a yawn and Raphael allowed himself to smile before turning over to look at him. Simon looked shocked and embarrassed. Raphael made no facial expression but pulled the covers of his bed back in a silent invitation. Simon accepted it eagerly.

“You have nightmares? Of Camille?” Raphael had figured that was why Simon came to him. The faint stain of red around Simon’s eyes a telltale sign he’d been crying some days. He wanted to ask Simon about it sooner but then they’d have to acknowledge whatever it was they were doing.

“Yeah… Not anymore, though,” Simon answered.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Raphael knew that if Simon really wanted to talk about something, he would have. So obviously, he knew that if Simon didn’t talk about the nightmares, it’s because he didn’t want to. And Raphael wasn’t content with a version of Simon who didn’t feel comfortable and safe enough to talk about whatever he wanted.

“I didn’t think anyone would care,” Simon admitted.

“We’re more than a clan, Simon. We are family,” Raphael tried to assure him.

“Yeah, but after what Clary and I did-”

“You’re still upset about that? Why would you think anyone is still mad at you for that?” Honestly, Raphael hadn’t even considered the possibility of Simon still feeling guilty over that situation.

“C'mon, Rafa. You have to know that I didn’t refuse to release Camille because of some bond I have with the clan. I had only been a vampire for less than a week. I’ve known Clary almost my whole life. In the end, I was just too scared of Camille.”

“I know.” Of course Raphael knew that. Simon’s loyalty to Clary was unquestionable so he knew what made Simon stop Clary wasn’t the thought of betraying Raphael or the clan - it was his fear of Camille. “But Camille hurt you, she killed you. It’s understandable to be afraid of her, and this place. It doesn’t matter why-”

“Doesn’t it, though?” Simon interrupted him, his voice desperate.

“Not to me,” Raphael said impulsively. “I mean, the clan, all of us.” Raphael stopped himself, though, to reassess his thoughts. He wasn’t supposed to avoid or deny anything, so he said, “Cariño, I don’t think you have anything to apologize for, but I forgive you anyways.”

“You know, I know what that means, right? Cariño?” Simon asked, surprised Raphael addressed him by an affectionate name.

“I know,” Raphael didn’t know, not for certain. He’d never heard Simon speak Spanish before, so he could only assume. It seemed like his forwardness paid off, though, as Simon admitted he didn’t know much Spanish.

Raphael told Simon he could learn, to which Simon said, “You could teach me. And I could teach you Hebrew.”

“I could teach you Punjabi,” Raphael offered. He had to admit, Simon did watch quality shows every now and then.

“What? Why the hell do you know Punjabi?” Simon asked, baffled.

“It’s spoken by a hundred thirty million people. I’d like to know what they’re saying.” He hoped Simon got the reference. And of course he did. Raphael watched as Simon’s face morphed from confusion to delighted amusement.

“You watched Daredevil!” Simon exclaimed as he jovially pushed at Raphael’s shoulder. Raphael let himself fall back on the bed, Simon following his movements to hover above him. He noted offhandedly how the action made him feel safe, secure, and not crowded in on. Had it been anyone other than Simon, Raphael was sure he wouldn’t feel comfortable having them this physically close to him. “And all this time you’ve pretended to be nothing more than a grumpy old man who knows nothing about pop culture.”

“I do not pretend to not know anything. Believe it or not being head of a vampire clan doesn’t leave much time to watch as many superhero shows as you do.” Which was true, but Raphael had gone out of his way to take an interest in something Simon enjoyed.

“Hey, I’m Interim to the Chapter President and I still manage it,” Simon defended. Raphael immediately decided he liked having a shared interest with Simon. “Bet your favorite’s Matt.”

“He’s a very relatable character.”

“All that Catholic guilt is going to kill you one day.”

“But I’m already dead,” Raphael quipped. This was not something he did often - or with that many people - this back and forth. This banter. He’d only ever gotten comfortable enough to joke around with Magnus and Ragnor, but even then, it was different somehow. It wasn’t playful like this, with an edge of flirtation in Raphael’s voice, nor with this much touching. And he really liked that part.

“Do you actually know Punjabi?” Simon asked skeptically.

“No. I can’t believe you fell for that!” Raphael caved, unable to keep a straight face for long.

“Who are you and what have you done with Raphael Santiago? Seriously, since when do you make jokes?”

Their laughter quieted after a moment or two, staring deeply at each other like they had become so fond of recently. It was now or never, Raphael thought.

“Since now, I suppose,” Raphael said as he carefully pushed a strand of Simon’s hair off his forehead. He trailed his hand down Simon’s face, his thumb rubbing smooth circles on his cheek. He gulped reflexively, uncertainty plaguing him suddenly. “Deberías besarme. Do you understand that?” He all but blurted it out. It wasn’t a confession but he made his feelings clear.

“Yeah…” Simon said. He gently pressed himself down against the length of Raphael’s body, not an inch of space between them. It invoked that same security Raphael felt earlier and Raphael tilted his face up, meeting Simon’s lips with his own. The kiss, though soft and more exploratory than anything else, sent an electric current through Raphael, bringing to life emotions he hadn’t felt in so long. They weren’t emotions he missed but as soon as Simon made them resurface, he knew he didn’t want to live without them. He didn’t want to live without Simon.

Raphael then noticed a cool hand sliding underneath his shirt, but that only caused him to push Simon away by one of his shoulders. It wasn’t forceful but it was abrupt, leaving Simon a little bewildered.

“Sorry. Is everything okay?” Simon asked. “Maybe I should’ve asked or-”

“No. I mean, yes. I-”

“Woah, usually I’m the one that’s stuttering,” Simon said lightly. “Seriously, are you okay?”

“I-” Raphael thought about telling Simon he’s fine, because he was, but that wouldn’t be sufficient. Not that he owed Simon an explanation, but he did want to tell him anyways. “I don’t want to have sex.” Raphael mentally scolded himself. He usually had more tact than this. It was more than likely Simon had something to do with that.

“Oh, okay, that wasn’t really where I was going with that but sure. No rush, or anything.”

“No, Simon… I might not ever want to have sex. It’s not really something I have an interest in.”

“So… you’re asexual?” Simon asked as he got off of Raphael and kneeled beside him.

Raphael hummed his confirmation, sitting up against the headboard. “Aromatic as well-”

“But then…” Simon made a gesture between them as if to ask how they could be in bed together, kissing.

“I do get romantic feelings sometimes, Simon. But I also don’t get these feelings for just anyo- any guy. The only attraction I’ve felt is towards other men. I’m not ashamed of anything. I just don’t have these experiences often,” Raphael explained. “It takes a lot for me to get there, though. And well, you are kind of a lot.”

Simon laughed. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“Anyways-”

“Rafa,” Simon interrupted, “why does it feel like you’re about to go into all your relationship history? You don’t have to explain anything.”

“I know. It’s just… after I pushed you away, I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea. I don’t want you to think I don’t want you, Simon. There’s nothing I want more.”

“How about this,” Simon began, holding up an index finger, “if there’s something either of us wants to do, we ask the other person. If the answer is ‘no’, we won’t do it. If the answer is ‘yes’, we do.”

“You say that as if it’s so simple.”

“It is.” Simon grinned at him. “So, puedo besarte otra vez?”

Raphael smirked back at Simon, making a note to tease him about that American accent another time. “Yes.”

Simon settled himself above of Raphael again and they resumed their kissing, but this time Simon obediently kept his hands on top of Raphael’s clothes. Raphael didn’t mind Simon touching him, not even before. It didn’t feel like Simon wanted anything from him. It just felt like Simon was appreciating the way he felt - as cheesy as that might sound. Raphael liked when Simon touched him, but he just wasn’t sure if he was ready, or even wanted, to do anything more than what they were already doing.

This didn’t feel like when Raphael discovered he was gay. Because in this case, Raphael lacked certain feelings. How did you explain a lack of attraction? Only one guy had ever reacted negatively, but it was enough to make Raphael worry about disclosing this information to anyone he had an interest in. He didn’t think Simon would be like that, but he was still surprised that it had gone so well. But then, Simon did always handle things with a smile on his face. How could Simon be so much of everything that Raphael wanted and needed? How could one person be so much of what Raphael loved? He didn’t have an answer for that, but Raphael definitely wasn’t complaining.

Raphael thought he was a pretty lucky guy.

———————————————————————-

This next day, Raphael was woken up by Simon tickling the back of his neck as Simon breathed him in. He didn’t even know he was still ticklish there.

“We don’t need to breathe, you know?” Raphael pointed out.

“But you smell so good.”

Simon hugged his arms tighter around Raphael, who made a show of grumbling more than he would so Simon would release him. It was only to get himself and Simon some blood of course. There was no way he’d deny Simon the opportunity to touch him, even if he wanted to. After some more coaxing, Simon finally released Raphael.

“I’ll be waiting in the kitchen,” Raphael said. He kissed Simon on the forehead, the action already so familiar to him.

“Yes, dear,” Simon teased.

Raphael did glare a bit at that, but he couldn’t be mad when Simon was grinning so wide at him. As he went about his routine, his mind drifted to the day before. When Simon touched him, it didn’t make him feel anxious. When Simon kissed him, it didn’t feel forced. Raphael knew he didn’t need to have the feelings he had now to make him feel whole, but if he was going to have them for someone, he was glad they were for Simon.

———————————————————————- Notes: Translations: No seas pendejo = Don’t be an asshole. Cariño = darling/sweetie Deberías besarme = You should kiss me. ; ) Puedo besarte otra vez? = Can I kiss you again?

So, that’s it! I hope I wrote aroace Raphael accurately. And I hope that I conveyed that Raphael didn’t “learn to love” or anything like that, because that’s not what this is supposed to be about. It’s about Raphael and what he does/doesn’t feel, and how he feels. So, like I said, I hope I conveyed all that accurately and respectfully.

I went back and forth a little with deciding if they were gonna have sex or not. I was ambiguous about it in Welcome Home, which I wrote way before 2x10. And I wrote this before 2x10 too so I had to rewrite some parts of this a few times but ultimately I’m happy with how it all turned out.

Also, I did not plan these two fics together so if the added scene throws things off a bit I apologize!

#saphael #simon lewis #raphael santiago #shadowhunters #saphael fic #my writing

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