hmmmm my trauma wasnt bad enough was it

god this last weekend’s firmly placed itself as one of the worst in my life. ik i don’t talk about life stuff here that often but i feel like i’m going insane and just need to Yell.

finally got info from my mom on just how bad my dad treats her at times since i’m sick of being treated like a child who needs to be hidden from family dysfunction. “thankfully” it’s only verbal abuse right now. but CHRIST me and her spent all of yesterday stressing as he went in and out of the house, wondering if the next time she saw him he’d scream at her for things that would pretend weren’t his fault, or if he’d have a mood swing and pretend like he hadn’t been screaming and gaslighting her all night and day.

my sister - who is the center of their arguments - managed to get out to a friend’s house yesterday and tonight thankfully. dad’s acting like he isn’t mad now which is honestly just scary. every time my mom and i have been alone she’s told me she’s so confused and terrified that he can act like his actions weren’t as bad as we think (when earlier me and her were making plans for what to do if we had to temporarily move out to get away from him).

i called off work today citing a family emergency and i’m laying awake sick with anxiety at the thought of my dad learning it was because of what he did this weekend. bc this will be used as leverage for screaming at my mom. he loves pulling this shitty “oh i guess we’re just AWFUL PARENTS then i’m sorry” card to guilt trip her and i can already imagine how he’d use my skipping work because of him as proof my mom’s a shitty person for…. explaining what was happening when i asked what was going on.

anyways 5am posting over idk if i’ll delete this later or what. i’m just so tired and sick and anxious and i should leave this environment but i couldn’t live with myself leaving my mom to deal with gaslighting and abuse by herself. i’m the only person in the house who assures her she isn’t going insane.

Everyone leaves.

Every single one. It may take a while sometimes, but in the end the results are the same.

I think that’s why I hide myself away so much. What’s the point in trying to get to know someone new, to branch out and “make friends” when it’s just a waste of time ultimately anyway?

I can’t remember the last time I was actually invited anywhere. It was always my idea, not anyone else’s. Am I too weird? Am I boring? Am I not smart enough?

I feel like I am just being used at this point. You know when I hear from “friends” here? When they need my camera to benefit them. Any other time, it’s left on read with no response. Sometimes even multiple messages. And this is all from people who are always on their phone. Maybe that’s why I cling to mine so tightly? Because if people are liking/commenting on my social media, then I don’t feel so alone. I wonder what would happen if I just deleted the entire thing… would anyone even notice? With the way everything else has been my life, my guess would be no.

Maybe that’s why I like drama online… I feel included. People agree with me most of the time, so that feeling of “they like me!” lasts for a few moments, then I remember they’re just all internet strangers who don’t actually give a fuck. They’re just upvoting like minded people, basically.

I feel like, aside from my camera, I have nothing to offer people. I used to think people liked me for me, but I have come to the conclusion that it was only for my body. Once I got married, my male friends basically fell of the face of the planet. The ones who didn’t don’t have any respect. They’re not people I want in my life. Just more of the same… users who don’t like me for me. The shitty thing is, now that I’ve gained a ton of weight, I feel like I have even fewer people in my corner.

The friends I have back home are more peers than anything. We can’t just hang out, it’s always talk about work.

Marc hasn’t talked to me much today. I feel like more of an inconvenience recently. I was gone for 5 hours for work earlier and just nothing. I know he was upset that I nagged about the things that hadn’t been done around the house. He quit everything he was doing to rage clean. Even after, for nearly 3 hours, no talking. He eventually said he loved me, but now he’s snoring away and I’m hiding in the bathroom crying quietly as to not wake him up. He already doesn’t sleep enough.

My mother and I are fighting. Again. It’s a monthly thing at this point. She’s always dismissing the pain and trauma I went through as a child. The constant gaslighting of, “you’re remembering it wrong”, and “that never happened” mixed with guilt trips of “If I’m such a terrible person, why the fuck do you even speak to me anymore?” It’s always about her image, never my pain. I don’t feel like she even sticks around for me… it’s for the kids. You know how shitty it feels for your own mother to betray you over and over and over again? You’d think I would be used to it by now… 5 fucking years of it. But no… it hurts more every time. I should see it coming, but it still manages to shock me every time. The most recent fight was about how I lost all this weight in high school because my parents paid tithing first before any other bills. We scraped by with what was left. I think she was in denial that we were poor… but I remember the way you could make a gallon of milk last longer if you added tap water to it; I remember the thick, manufactured taste of the instant potatoes because we couldn’t buy real ones; I remember the dinners that consisted of peanut butter & jelly with ramen noodles; I remember losing nearly 13 lbs in less than a year… and as a 5’0 tall female, it was a lot. I dropped to just above 90lbs. I hate looking back at myself then… I looked sickly. I hated my body and how frail I looked. But it didn’t happen, right?

I feel like my own sisters don’t even want me included. When I was going to commit suicide in December, they called the cops on me. Welfare check, they said. I’ve been screaming for help for a long time now. But they just thought I was crazy. They wanted the cops to take me away. The level of hurt was something I didn’t know I could feel, especially from them. I told them all the things that would help and when I asked the for it, they said no.

I feel so alone here. So alone.

I’m tired of crying in the dark. I’m tired of feeling so secluded.

I think the reason I like to hide in closets and small spaces when I’m hurting is that it feels like the room is hugging me. I’m safe in my own little space. I want to be in the closet right now, but it’s really cold in the room. So instead I will sit in this massive bed while my husband stays on his side snoring. The tears on my cheeks are drying up, but it’s because I can only give myself so long to grieve… then I just need to get over it.

Except tonight I am hurting really bad.

I am 3 edibles deep and don’t feel shit. I just wish I could be high out of my mind right now. It’s been 5 hours since the first two, about 2 hours for the second. Nothing.

I just want my brain to shut off the hurt.

headcanon: seeing your toxic ex

tw: gaslighting, threats, freeloader, the ex is inspired by mine (james if you see this fuck you i’m rich i’m happy and i’m better off without you)

of course loki knows about the gaslighting, the manipulation, and everything your pathetic excuse of an ex-boyfriend put you through, just to “borrow” cash and be a parasite to you, who had to shoulder the money for everything.

and he guilt-tripped you 24/7 just so you would stay and 

while you now realize he was shitty

there are some days you let it get to you again.

in the early days of your relationship, you often apologized, having to “unlearn” unhealthy relationship practices

one time he let you use his phone and you almost cried, overwhelmed

another time he told you he wanted your cuddles and you shrieked in joy

and even if you’ve been going strong this bROODING mAN for almost a year, apparently your ex thought you were still the naive, weak thing he could play with.

There weren’t so many people in the gas station convenience store that you and Loki stopped by during a road trip, so of all the guys you could meet, why did it have to be-

“God, what are the odds we wind up at the same gas station, sweetheart?”

Your hand stiffened as you turned to Rick.

He grinned, then suddenly shot his hand toward you, and you flinched, realizing he was just grabbing a bag of chips behind you.

“Whoops, sorry, I scared you,” he chortled, and the sound made you relive the nights he’d be so happy playing Fortnite with his friends while you cried at your desk, bandaging your own split lip.

“Leave me alone,” you narrowed your eyes at him, and he turned to you, surprised.

“Well, you’ve certainly gotten bolder since the last time I met you,” he hissed. “You definitely haven’t missed me.”

“You gaslighted me, Rick. You made me believe I was the one doing everything wrong.”

“Oh, so it was me? When I was the one making the effort to put up with you and your clinginess? Hope you don’t terrorize any other guy with your desperation for love.”

Don’t let him get to you, you willed yourself. He’d always been like that, making you believe no one else would want you just so he could freeload off you like Cher Horowitz.

“I don’t do that-”

“Well, you think you don’t, but you do, so don’t go say I don’t pay the bills when I bet you were fucking other guys to get attention.”

You weren’t. But Rick’s words made you a little scared inside. Loki had never said you needed to lay off, did he? Was he happy? Was he secretly wishing you weren’t so overly affectionate? Was he terrorized-

You felt a comforting feeling wash over you when Loki placed his hands on your shoulders, snapping you out of the self-deprecating spiral Rick threw you in. 

“Clearly, she deserved better than some lowlife like you,” Loki growled, interlocking his fingers with yours. “And stop disturbing us, because unlike you, I’m actually decent enough to ignore your existence when, really, I should be beating you ‘till you’re dead.”

Rick’s eyes held trepidation for a moment, before he straightened up, glaring at him, then turning to you with a smile that made your skin crawl.

“Bye, babe.”

Loki felt you squeeze his fingers.

“Don’t call me that, Rick.” you hissed.

“Whatever, babe,” he laughed, turning to the cashier. “Call me when he gets tired of you.”

“She won’t.”

You slipped your hand out of Loki’s grip, heading to the chips aisle to hide your embarrassment.

Loki’s eyes softened as he neared you, lifting your chin with a single finger.

“Darling-”

Your voice is shaky as you fight the tears. “I-I swear I thought I was over him, I thought he wouldn’t hurt me anymore-”

“Ssh,” he gently held out his arms. “I won’t let him hurt you, anymore.”

You visibly hesitated, looking up at him for permission. He sighed, pulling you into his embrace himself.

“He’s just a worthless scum, darling,” He whispers. “You’re none of those things, I’m more than happy with you.”

“You sure?”

“Certain,” he whispers. “Let’s not let Dick-”

“Rick,” you correct him, smiling in amusement.

“-Dick ruin our date. Let’s go frame him for something, alright?”

And just before the two of you leave the store, you hear Rick getting arrested over a bag of chips he swore he didn’t sneak in his pocket, laughing as you lean your head on Loki’s shoulder, smiling up at him, grateful for someone who truly loved you.

BBS: My Favorite Moments for Everyone Else

Here are my favorite moments for the characters on the show not named Pat or Pran. My choices include only those characters that move the story forward in some way, so you may see some of the smaller bit characters missing in action, otherwise we’d be here ALL DAY breaking down play crew member #4 who bumped Pran’s shoulder in passing.

If you’ve missed my previous posts on favorite moments, please check them out:

My Favorite Pran Moments My Favorite Pat Moments

KORN // EP9: Uncomfortable, my ass! It’s me you’re talking to here. I can solve any problem for you.

How much do we love that Drake gets to crawl out from under his usual role as problematic guy to turn in this endearing performance of bestest dudebro of the series? And it’s not even a close race. We came to BBS fearing our expectations would be met with the Korn character- just another typical antagonistic sidekick whose antics we’d have to sit through. Admittedly, P’Aof really had us in the first half but completely subverted our expectations in the later episodes. Korn is the type of guy who has your back no matter what. He’s that one friend who would help you bury a body, complaining the whole time, but still ask you how deep to dig. We saw him running towards Pat at the end of this episode when Pat was outnumbered by the goon brigade yelling “What are you doing to my friend?!” and without hesitation bursts into the fray with fists flying. His loyalty to Pat leaves no room for doubt. And yes, he still has a lot of growing up to do, he’s a college-aged loudmouthed jackass with zero filter BUT we also see why Pat is friends with him in spite of all this. Korn shows up for his friends when it matters, all while sporting a colorful windbreaker du jour. What more could you want in a bestie? Maybe better taste in outerwear apparel, sure, but really what more could you ask from someone who’s consistently got your back?

Runner-up moment: Korn, you asshole! You’re always putting me in these shitty situations! said by Pat in EP4. I ship their bromance so much.

WAI // EP10: Look at those murderous eyes she’s giving me.

Waisel, where do I begin with you? I loathe Wai so much that he’s earned the name Wai the weasel (Waisel) from me and everytime I see him on screen, I shoot my stankiest stank eye at him. Everything he does in EP9 and onward is not enough to redeem his character. He can take his unreasonably aggressive, extremely problematic, gaslighting, emotionally abusive, guilt-tripping, relationship-outing self and just go somewhere else, anywhere else. What makes it even worse is his sense of entitlement to Pran. His inability to see how completely toxic his behavior is to anyone not named Wai. I mean even Ohm questioned Wai’s behavior on Soonvijarn, because Ohm is truly one of us. So my favorite moment of Waisel will have to be this scene just for the self-awareness and recognition of all the muderous eyes on him, mine included. I will never forgive the show for brushing what he did under the rug. 

INK // EP5: I already have a ton of hot friends. I can’t afford to lose the only crappy friend I have.

I love Ink so much in this scene and for how well she understands Pat. Once again, P’Aof challenges the negative perceptions that a girl’s sole purpose is to come in-between our main couple. Female characters have other, more interesting things to do than to play third-wheel or be a villainous foil to our lovers. They have better things to do like fight off an entire faculty to be a peer mentor to their crush. They don’t have time for silly boys and their I think I might be falling for my frenemy awakenings. And how much do I love that Ink is a fully realized character with her own motivations and that she doesn’t exist to simply serve a narrative purpose? Other shows, take note, this is how you treat your female characters- with the respect that they’re wholly three-dimensional human beings with thoughts and motivations of their own. 

Runner-up moment: You’re someone whose smiles I want to keep only for myself. So sweeeeet!

PA // EP10 - Pa sniff kisses Ink on the cheek and the WLW faction of the fandom collectively squees.

I love this moment so much for our girls, but especially for Pa. Just a 3-second blip in a song montage but it says so much about their relationship. How their shared love of photography comes across, how Pa is still adorably shy around Ink that she ducks her head blushing after the sniff kiss. It’s all so saccharinely sweet that it makes my tooth ache. I love that after all the doubts and second-guessing, Pa decides this is the person that I like, I’m going to do something about it and JUST GOES FOR IT. How much do I absolutely adore that the youngest and tiniest person on the show turns out to be the mightiest. Get it, gurrrl.

Runner-up moment: Her four-step love signs that allowed Pat to see that Pran was the one for him.

UNCLE TONG // EP11 - But I also want you to know that this world can’t change someone like me.

Guys, got room in that group hug for one more? 😭 Uncle Tong is the epitome of someone who dances to the beat of his own drum. He knows that what he does may appear meaningless to others but it means everything to HIM and in his book, that's all that matters. Not to be morbid, but when he does leave this mortal coil, there’s zero doubt that he’ll go with a smile knowing that he dedicated his life’s work doing what he loved. And you just have to admire that sense of self-worth and hard-nosed committment. He instills this belief in our boys, teaching them that the world may never rise up to greet them but so long as they stay true to themselves (and each other), who dare stand between them? Wise words that our boys take to heart and live out admirably.

Runner-up moment: EP6 - Hold on tight, I’m fast and furious. (I love that the subber/translator has a punny sense of humor).

JUNIOR // EP6 - I don’t (have that kind of friend that won’t talk to me). There’s no such guy like that, right?

There’s such an innocence to Junior that is completely endearing and I love how he becomes a member of PatPran’s found family at their home away from home. Their entire conversation on the back of the pickup truck was hilarious. I love how clueless Junior innocently played into their layered conversation. Pran is obviously trying to not let Pat rile him up only for Junior to turn around and ask: P’ do you have that kind of friend (who won’t talk to you)? And Pran throws it right back at Pat- I don’t, because all of my friends are annoyingly talkative. They won’t shut up. Bwahaha, touché Pran. Junior served allowing Pran to spike it home. Well done, little dude.

Runner-up moment: EP11 when he runs back to give PatPran a good-bye hug and makes them promise to up their fishing skills when he sees them again. My heart couldn’t handle the cuteness that is this scene. Their found family is love.

MING // EP12 - Shuffling his feet as he returns mail to the correct mailbox.

It’s this and the moment right before where he looks down at the painted line between their two trashbins that you can see the stirrings of regret, it’s almost pitiful. And it hurts us to watch because we know all of this could have been avoided. The root of all turmoil falls on Ming and it’s upsetting that knowing this, he still perpetrated that he was the one who was wronged and taught his children to hate because of his own shortcomings. I’m not sure that sympathy is deserved here but I still feel for him. His relationship with his son is hanging by threads all by his own doing. The only concession I’ll give him is that this moment right here in front of the trashbins and mailboxes shows that there are seeds of regret being sowed. That he might one day be ready to outwardly accept Pran in Pat’s life, but right now he can’t show that he’s softening because of face-saving reasons so he quietly returns the mail to the correct box and goes on his way. It’s really sad when you think about it. A giant of a man reduced to... this. 

Runner-up moment: EP12 - Taking a sip of Pran’s liquor gift when he thinks nobody is watching. And then continuing to do so even when he knows his wife sees him.

MA // EP12 - Just leave it to their generation.

This is too little too late ma’am, but still I’m happy you’re willing to speak up for your son though he could have used it years before this. You are an accomplice in your husband’s actions, especially because you knew the truth all along and didn’t speak up for TWO DECADES. I side-eye you so hard lady. You knew it was wrong but went along with it anyway. The silent enablers are the worst. And not only this but to try and explain it away that grandpa was hard on dad too, well, that’s not Pat’s problem is it? You’re contributing to a vicious cycle here. So your “let’s just let them be” is too little too late. I know the source of the problem is Ming but for mom to complicitly go along with it when she could have put a stop to it years ago, especially when it involved little KIDS- that’s not something you can easily come back from. Ming was blinded by his own guilt, yes, but mom was a neutral party to the entire thing but chose to be mute and blind anyway? She literally made that choice. Do better, mom.

Runner-up moment: EP10 - Dad, we haven’t thanked him yet. We’re the adults here. This small moment gave me so much hope that you’d FINALLY say/do something, anything, but alas no.

DISSAYA // EP12 - Her smile when overhearing Pran’s laughter with Pat.

If looks could kill and also bring someone back to life then all hail Madam Dissaya. Her quiet smile here says so much more than any words ever could. It’s the silent acceptance that her son is happy so that’s all that matters to her. She’ll put aside her greivances for now and take it up with the person responsible rather than the younger generation. Pat might not have a permanent seat at her dinner table anytime soon, but she probably won’t question Pran’s choice in his life partner any further. It’s the genuine joy she hears in his laughter that seals this decision for her. Her only son’s happiness is more important, has to be more important, than a long-held grudge. Ma’am, please accept this slow clap from me. This is the ultimate character growth and it’s just so, so satisfying to see.

Runner-up moment: EP12 - Her reaction to watching Ming outside Pran’s window. Such great nonverbal acting! We felt what she felt. Annoyance at first, then confusion followed by being at peace after. A whirlwind of emotions conveyed in mere seconds, so well done.

Dad // EP12 - Smiling as he head nudges mom’s shoulder. “This show is just so good.” (Yes, yes it is).

Dad, you were no more than window dressing for much of the show but I commend your energy here. I also acknowledge that you mostly deferred to your wife with the whole next door rivalry because you understood her pain and where she was coming from. Good husband. But good father? Jury is out on that one. You and Pat’s mom should seek professional help on how to parent. They probably have a 2-for-1 groupon somewhere. It’s honestly amazing how well Pran turned out no thanks to you, sir.

Runner-up moment: EP12 - Conspiring with Pran on his guitar’s whereabouts. Dad was cute here.

CHAI // EP10 - I’m glad though. No matter how much your parents despised each other, their children managed to get along. I think one day things will get better.

You didn’t think I’d leave out old reliable Chai did you? One of the few reasonable adults in PatPran’s life? How he knew when he saw them together in the music store back in EP3 that there was something going on but never outed them? (Learn from your elders, Waisel). Chai was around to witness all the rivalry as the boys were growing up and probably saw most of this coming. How he just minded his own business and let everyone figure their own shit out, but conveniently popped up when needed to diffuse any tension? You’re my kind of people, Chai.

Runner-up moment: Do you want me to stay with you? said to Pran in EP10. Oh, Chai. You kind-hearted loveable creeper that you are, take this cookie.

They say a show is only as good as its supporting cast and that's definitely true here. OhmNanon are the obvious heavyweights and the series headliners, however, it was extremely important that the supporting cast (especially the parents) were well cast and I think P'Aof and his team hit it out of the park with their choices. We needed to believe what was at stake for our boys. The parents had to be intense (which they were, well two of them were). The friends needed to be fully realized characters and not just caricatures and I think most of them are. As much as we all want a show of just OhmNanon interacting with each other (yes, please! where do I sign up?), if they had to interact with others, this was a good supporting cast for them to play off of. I truly have no complaints. Well, except for Waisel. But don’t get me started on that again because I will climb on my soapbox and never get off.

Weird week behind me weird week ahead of me but I’ve done a lot of self reflection and came to the weirdest epiphany. The older I get the more I realize all my ‘problems’ with VivziePop - her thoughts on criticism;  the choices she makes in story telling; some of the people she’s worked with (not that any of that’s my business; I’m not her mom) really aren’t about Viv, but more about her fandom.

I’m speaking of the preHazbin era Viv here and as someone who’s only watch horny fish jump at the surface rather than jump straight into the Hazbin-fandom, but given my ‘noncritical’ fellow fans have told me that the Vivziefandom now is also terrible - I guess I’ll go over my experience and make the most out of what I do know.

I followed Viv in 2009 and fell off in 2013 cause I kinda just lost interest and found myself wrapped up in other fandoms. I’ve always felt amicable about her content; I could give or take designs or the way in which she wrote characters -- ((Zech represent!!!)) but it’s honestly surreal and really fun seeing this person I recognize make it big and improve so much. Like I’ve said before I am very happy and very impressed with Viv doing all she’s done in the span of TWO YEARS. wow gurl.

Trouble is, there was the particular breed of fan who really made me...uncomfortable. They felt almost possessive of Viv’s attention. They sang praises about her work in a way that just made me want nothing to do with it because I was worried if I drew those characters these people would be like ‘hey, I’M Viv’s fav artist, not you!”. They would  unironically write Viv messages like:

“you are a GOD” -- “I’m so not worthy compared to you” --“I wish I was as talented as you” -- “YOU ARE EVERYTHING AND CAN’T DO WRONG VIV”.

The kind of messages which were meant to sound flattering but, intentional or not, came off as gaslighting, like they were guilt tripping Viv about being better than them. This behavior, treating your favorite artist/internet personality like your superior and groveling like Starscream, it strikes a nerve with me; partly because I was this way with my favorite artists and influences back in the day,  but also because once I got a taste of that treatment myself I realized just how bad it could be:

There was once a girl on dA who was jealous of me because of the attention I got on my art instead of her. I told her that I wasn’t gonna stop drawing but also that there was nothing wrong with her art and she’d find her place. It was weird being put in that position where someone is very clearly upset at you but also looking for your approval.

The second was some scumball who I blocked in 2016. He wouldn’t speak to me, only write condescending, backhanded comments on my art; check on my profile daily; call me a bootlicker (cuz I took commissions) behind my back; redrew my art and would talk about me in his personal artist notes about how I ‘probably wouldn’t see this’ - oh yeah all the while he did fan art of my characters but again never spoke to me when I replied. When I finally messaged him about his behavior he said he thought I was “really overrated” and “bad for the fandom” cuz I took money and kept him from getting the love he deserved. It took messaging another person within our fandom, one I had been in spats with online before, to finally realize I shouldn't put up with that bs....

That guy who was stalking me btw did so while I was well under 1.K watchers and am still pretty obscure. Anyway, I had one guy unhealthily watching me for the wrong reasons. Just one. This is why when Viv says she “hates creeps” I 150% believe this woman and am not about to call her a liar who just can’t take criticism. Like, if you really think that, I’m sorry but you don’t know what Viv’s gone through from both her critics AND fans.

Of course, a lot of people will be like “I bet you’re just jealous and really just want that kind of attention yourself so you’re preaching to the choir”, but like...no. I am envious of just about any creator who’s the social butterfly I’m not, but, like, if I'm jealous of an artist none of that is that artists’ fault. Ever. It’s my own issues with being comfortable with myself are at stake. If I criticize Viv’s work it’s not because I see her as competition or my Squilliam Fancyson; it’s because I’m a critical fan of animation and cartoons and have my own thoughts to share on the cartoons of an artist I’m familiar with.  Jealousy/envy/mixed-admiration/godIwishthatwereme.jpeg feels are totally natural and valid emotions when you’re a creator. Envy becomes a problem when you internalize, weaponize, and scrutinize people on the basis of them being what you aren’t which -yes - some people do in the name of criticism. ((Although, I would hardly say some of the nastiest AntiViv folk are jealous as much as they are angry that this project they think is harmful is getting attention and using that as justification for some really shitty behavior of their own, which no, this post is not a part of by virtue of coming from a critical fan.))

Critique can come from either a good place or bad place; good critique can be used to bad ends and bad critique can come from a well-meaning place, and vice versa.   It’s the difference between many a criticalfan having a sour taste in their mouth regarding the Viv’s base but persisting in a critique+admiration separate of that, and this asswipemonster trying to weasel his way into Spindlehorse while also bashing Viv on a public forum for clearly vitriolic reasons. He was a creep.

So yeah um please stop insisting that every Hazbin critic is just jealous’ because a) there are people who have a past with Viv’s base and that clouds their judgement, but in a lot of cases that doesn’t invalidate their feelings or thoughts on her work separate from that, and b) I’ve seen what clingy gaslighting jealous fans are. Spoiler: they’re not so much Annie Wilkes as much as they are Tommy Wiseaus. You don’t want Tommy Wiseau following you.

Another bad vibe I really picked up on that I can kinda confirm is still probably the case now: people think that they know Viv and the Spindlehorse crew and have the right to send them shit they don’t need or WANT to be seeing.

Like, I talked with Viv once ages ago. I don’t remember what I said other than we were talking about Frankenweenie, I think. She was nice. Outside of that she said “thank you” to my comments on her deviations but that’s it. I DO NOT KNOW THIS WOMAN AND unless you’ve worked with or are a legit friend/mutual of hers, NEITHER DO YOU. But I don’t think every Vivzie stan/critic knows this. Whether it be people assuming she MUST think they’re headcanon is now canon-canon cuz she liked a comment they made; or some critic thinking they must have seriously hurt her pride because they’ve been blocked by her on twitter (or you know, maybe she and the rest of Spindlehorse is tired of getting @s and don’t have to time to read through your analysis so they’re gonna just block and move on cuz they’re busy).

Just because the creators talk with fans doesn’t mean fans are literally their best friends and have a part in the show’s direction. And yes, critics and reviewers fit that bill as well. Know your damn boundaries people.

If you find/make some kind of contribution as a viewer that’s awesome but you should never expect nor DEMAND the creator see it. The most obvious horror stories involving this and Helluva/Hazbin have been the Instagrams made by the crew being harassed by incestpedo enthusiasts, but it applies even to just @ing creators as well.

I’ve seriously had someone tell me to just take my criticisms directly to Viv and like...no. Why would I do that?

I respect Viv and the artists working with her enough to know that they’re working their asses off on an animated series and should not be bothered. I don’t want them to stop all they’re doing and reply to me. I want them to keep working. Also, that kind of logic makes me wonder how many critics Viv’s found because she found it on her own or if some obsessed fan told her about it - which is really messed up cuz if it IS just good critique you’re, again, just pestering her, and if it wasn’t critique but full on harassment WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU MESSAGE HER ABOUT THAT ANYWAY? I’m sure she doesn’t need to be reminded that people drew and said really awful shit about her on Tapatalk. My point being I’m sure what people think they’re doing is

“OOOoh Viv lookitwut this person is doing in our fandom we need to ban together against this toxic behavior”

but what they’re actually doing, and sounding like, is -

“Hey Viv I know you are working so hard on the show and you’re trying to figure out where to go from here but LOOKITWHUTTHISHATERSAID. LOOKATIT! VALIDATE ME VIV AND PUT’EM IN THEIR PLAAAAAACE!”

TL;DR Viv’s fanbase back in the day consisted of everyman artists and interests but there was this one breed of fan -who I hope was just a vocal minority- that ruined it for everything else.

Call it stanning or ‘simping’ or as it’s classically known, ‘white knighting’, whatever it was it really soured a lot of people on her because of those fans.

That’s why the DollCreep drama got so bad from what I can tell. Doll and Viv had a falling out and then called out eachother online where people who took it upon themselves to speak for them starting throwing mud.

Back in the day I remember Viv used to get mad at artists for ‘stealing’ her style. I think this attitude from Viv directly has vanished but I remember it happening because one of the people she thought was stealing her style did art for me at some point and they were basically shamed/chased off deviantART by a gaggle of these really nasty Vivfans.

inb4> “VIV WAS AWARE AND STILL WEAPONIZES HER FANS THO”

I don’t know that. And honestly, where I’m inclined to believe she’d do something like that then I think Viv is really different and has improved her business and public image from her college days. I’d be very disappointed in her if she was pulling a Butch Hartman or Derek Savage, but I just don’t think she is one, k?

Viv is more self critical and aware than any of these uber protective-gatekeeping fans give her credit for. She said on the Pizzapartypodcast that she knows the Hazbin pilot wasn’t perfect; she’s been able to identify the problems with old Zoophobia; this woman knows that criticism of all kinds need to exist and from what I see she sounds like she’s trying to get used to that. It’s just, you know, when you have nasty antis badgering you, stalkers, obsessive yes-mam’ fans, opinionated shit posters, r34 artists, entitled shippers and the NDAs of a company alongside your own branded image - all that negativity, even the constructive bits, tend to clump together and you just want to scream at it so you can finish the damn cartoon already!!!!

TL;DR: PART TWO

VivziePop/mind is basically indie Tim Burton.  Her work is fun, shallow and made with love but is marketed as being for everyone when it’s really not. Parts of it I love to watch; parts of it drives me crazy cuz of reasonswhatev this isn’t a review.

BUT any fanbase where people tell me I should just “expect what’s coming to me” when I’m trying to argue against dragging creators into fandrama is troubling. People have a parasocial bond with fandoms and their creators and they need to learn when to back off.

Honesty hour, the story of my ex:

She gaslighted me making me think that I was the one at fault for our relationship. She almost never wanted to hang out with me but she was ALWAYS, like visiting-her-friends-every-single-day type of thing. I felt like I needed to schedule an appointment to at least talk on the phone. She guilt-tripped me saying it was my fault she was repeating things she’d done with her exes to keep me at bay. I barely saw her in person/videocall which was super fucked up because she lived in my city, we weren’t a fucking long-distance relationship at least once every two months and the rest of the time it was me trying to contact her to know if she was fine, and whenever I told her that if could hang out with her and her friends she said no because they had things to do. She was also jealous of a friend that got along with me really well because we both like marvel movies and videogames she’s the second girl-friend I know that also likes those things so naturally we would get along, and threaten our friend if she didn’t stopped that behavior she would make her regret it, but ofc my friend defended me and herself against her. After the breakup she got mad at our mutual friends because they didn’t stoped talking to me I told them every single thing that happened which made them choose my side but I didn’t wanted them to choose sides because I despise conflicts among friends and she threw a fit on my birthday because I wanted to spend it with my friends but ofc didn’t invited her, she got really jealous. She said I would date her ex-bff my now bff just to spite her but in the end she was the one who did that by dating my bff’s ex just to spite me and my bff. That’s my story dating this psycho who put me in the worst depressive episode that pushed me at the brink of d***h two times. But now I’m thriving, trying to enjoy this shitty life, looking forward to the future although it scares me, waiting to find someone who is the opposite of her and build a healthy relationship or not, I am happy with my family and friends 😊

oh my god.

i hope you feel better getting all of this off your chest! it sounds really really awful, but as you said, you've grown leaps and bounds since, you've bloomed and you're thriving and for what it's worth i'm so proud of you. now you know what you should avoid, and that's a lesson worth learning.

*gives you a huge hug*

say goodbye

i haven’t posted anything in a while. i’ve been going through a lot. i have substituted writing about it for painting but today i need to write. today i said goodbye to someone i considered my best friend for 6 years. she didn’t die, but she’s dead to me. and not *quite* in the way that phrase is usually meant. i mean it that way partly, but also i’m pretty sad. i am still grieving the loss of a friend. i wanted to end our friendship. i had been struggling for the past month with how to bring up certain things to her. i’ll give you some backstory:

6 years ago, S moved into the apartment across the hall from me. i didn’t like that she played her music so fucking loud and she didn’t like my boyfriend screaming at me. thus, a friendship was born. it was desperation for an “out” in my relationship with dan, who i’ve talked about in a previous post. it was loneliness. it was someone giving me attention that wasn’t dan. it was an escape, or so i thought, from the abuse. S had a huge problem with using drinking to cope with childhood trauma. i drank with her a lot, but she always went the extra mile. it was like that for much of our friendship. there wasn’t much else there. it wasn’t that deep. but somehow we were so close. somehow she was my best friend. 

fast forward a couple years, i met and moved in with my now husband. first thing she said when she met him, was that it wasn’t going to last. i was gonna leave in a month. she just *knew* it. cool, but WHY the FUCK would you say that OUT LOUD??!! it was a moment where i needed her support and encouragement to explore this new relationship away from the abusive one i was accustomed to, and she seemed so dismissive of my attempting to find some happiness and healthiness in my life. 

fast forward another couple years, my husband and i move closer to S. i’m actually happy i’ll have a friend to hang out with. even though she’s notoriously flaky. even though she notoriously lies about medical issues when she blows off our plans. even though she guilt trips and emotionally manipulates me. i didn’t see this clearly yet, but i was starting to. 

fast forward to a month ago. as i’ve been sharing for over a month, i’ve really been going through a lot of things emotionally. i am in therapy because i have repressed childhood trauma and actively suffer from PTSD/anxiety/depression. i got on medication, i started doing things like writing and painting and actually taking care of my self, and my mental health. i told S that i needed some space to process my shit. she said she understood. and then she bugged me to hang out every single day until i finally caved. i offered a day and she was excited. day of, i message her and she didn’t message me back for 2 full hours before finally telling me she’d been - and this is a direct quote - “pukey mcpukerson’’. 

GIRL. you are 33 yrs old. i’ve been your friend for 6 years. i know when you’re lying to me. i didn’t say anything. i didn’t call her out. how do i call her out on a lie about being sick? even if she IS lying, she’s not going to admit that, and then i look like a dickhole because i accused her. so i say nothing. i always say nothing. 

here’s a synopsis of how i feel she’s treated me poorly during our 6 year friendship and any ONE of these things are a reason alone to end a friendship but today she told me things that i never could have seen coming and things that just reaffirmed how i felt about this friendship and where it was going - nowhere good:

- i feel that she is incredibly dismissive of my feelings

- i feel that she gaslights me

- i feel as though she is selfish + narcissistic and quite literally cannot care about anyone else besides herself

- i feel like she guilt trips and emotionally manipulates me

- i feel like she bullies me

- i feel like she is jealous and possessive of me 

- i feel like she is a bad friend. period. 

today she told me that it was not her responsibility to validate my feelings, and i’m not even joking when i tell you she said that i should not be so consumed in my own problems that i can’t still be there for my friends. she told me that i need to stop playing a victim. she told me everyone has to be soOOooOOoO careful about what they say around me, and that i need to “let go of” my past. she genuinely asked “HOW MUCH THERAPY DO YOU EVEN NEED?” what kind of friend is not supportive of them getting help they need? how is that sentence not haunting her as the exact reason why i had such issues with her??

i asked her repeatedly to please put aside her anger a little so she could listen to me. she kept gaslighting me, telling me i’m wrong in my feelings. telling me it’s ridiculous. calling me names. calling me to scream at me just to hang up the second i try to say anything. 

after all of this, i still apologized for not coming forward and being honest with her sooner. i explained that i was proven right in why i felt so hesitant. i said that i was sorry she was miserable, and incapable of personal growth, or letting someone else experience that. i told her that i was a good friend to her for 6 years and i expected the same back. i told her i’m in therapy because i’m TRYING to be a better, more well-rounded adult. i asked what she was doing to try to accomplish that, told her i hope she finds happiness. she blocked me. 

i’m not saying i’m unhappy that the friendship is over, i think it needed to happen. i especially feel confident in my decision because i’ve been going to therapy and can actually recognize toxic shitty behavior. and because of my husband, who has been supportive of my decisions about my friendship with S, and gently shared his opinion about how he thought the friendship was negatively affecting me. he applauded me for still putting myself in harm’s way emotionally to be there for her but reminded me that i need to take care of myself, too. which is exactly what i’m doing. i’m taking care of myself. 

i may have one friend, one therapist, and one husband, but i am full of so much support right now and so much love from the people who actually DO care about me. 

i realize now, S was never gonna let me live my life. she needed me to be in the same boat as her. now that i’ve become a healthier person, dealt with some of my shit. changed some behaviors, she can’t handle it. and i cannot sit here and let her tell me that its my fault. because it’s not. i should have been more honest sooner with her, i’ll own that. for 6 years, though, i was a very good friend. i feel hurt. i feel betrayed. i feel sad. i feel anxious. i feel better, though, too. i know i’ll get through this. it’s just hard. 

please don’t let yourself be blinded like i was to the fact that friendships can also be abusive. 

13 Years | 4 Weeks

honestly, I dont know which of the two have been longer in my life. 

so recently I ended a 13 year long relationship with the guy I've been dating since my freshman year of high school. it took me this long to understand, acknowledge, and accept the relationship was emotionally (and borderline physically) abusive and thanks two my two best friends and a very nice therapist I asked him to move out.

I thought the overwhelming life style change would be the hardest. I haven't been alone since I was 14 and it took me a long time to build up the courage to end things because I am terrified of change and had little to no idea what to do without him. to my surprise I've adapted to being alone pretty well. the loneliness does get to me sometimes - I miss those moments we had where we could have a conversation without speaking. I miss over a decade’s worth of inside jokes, and it still hurts when I see something and instantly think of him cause it was our thing.

its a daily struggle to remind myself why I did this because its frighteningly easy to minimize the damage he did when he’s not here to do it every day. the gaslighting and emotional manipulation isn't something that just switches off or diminishes with distance. somehow, in some super shitty, unfair way, it gets worse. because im left alone with my thoughts that he’s managed to turn against me and they’re still working angles for him that catch me off-guard sometimes. I still battle with guilt for making him move out, because I feel terrible that now he’s stuck living with his mom and all his things are in boxes. and I hate that it’s gonna take a long time for that to go away. 

but I digress. because all of that isn’t the hardest part. the hardest part is getting him the fuck out of this apartment. we 'ended things’ April 5th. there are quotes around that because we haven’t officially broken up. like, I told him I needed a break till he gets his shit together, and he’s all but moved out, but I haven’t even changed our relationship status on Facebook (yay, guilt!) and we haven't really agreed that we’re broken up. Jesus, again I digress. ANYWAYS. I knew it was gonna be a process to move him out because our lives are so intertwined that we’ve had to go through rooms and drawers and boxes one by one separating our shit. and this process has been fucking agonizing because he is dragging his goddamn feet. 

Initially I thought we were gonna bang this out in a weekend, get all the shit out and be done. A month later, and there’s still a pile of his shit at the top of the stairs, a handful of things in the corner of the living room (including the giant china cabinet filled with his things) and his grandmother’s dishes in my cupboards. but that’s a post for another day. because right now im just gonna vent about him taking his sweet ass time, being insanely petty, and still somehow fucking manipulating me when he doesn’t even live here anymore. 

honestly the pettiness and inconsideration for my own time and requests is the biggest thing that’s getting to me, what’s driving me to write this. most of the time he’s been here for his shit, his mom’s been with him, and I was chalking up a lot of the pettiness to her. because he’d be here to get the things from the living room, and hours after they'd left I’d notice small things had been taken from other parts of the house. now some of the stuff he’s taken was his, just something I was using with him that I’d assumed he’d at least mention he was taking. im a lot of things, but selfish isn’t one of them and honestly unless it’s something from my family or something that I bought that was expensive, I don’t care. he can have it. It’s more the fact that, when I need something all of a sudden I cant find it and realize he took it. 

like, his nana’s pots and pans. They’re a really nice set his mom let us have and I fully expected them gone. my only request was that he give me a heads up so I could go out and get my own set when he planned to take them because with them gone, all I’d have left is a few frying pans. This is our conversation from that weekend:  

This was Saturday afternoon. He never told me he wasn’t going to come by Saturday, and gave me a 15 minute heads up he was on his way over on Sunday - which did me no good because I wasn’t even home. That meant I couldn’t clean out the dressers (I didnt want to do it until the day he was going to get them because I would have to leave my clothes on the bed until I could get my own dresser from my parent’s house once his were gone). When I got home, all of my clothes were thrown on my bed and the ground.I had to rewash a bunch of shit, refold everything, and then clean the entire room from the mess that was made. 

fucking on top of that, his mom decided to take the pots and pans. I’d specifically asked him Saturday because I was going to Walmart and could have bought a new set for myself while there. I didn't want to buy them until I needed to because I’m trying to save money and didn’t get paid that weekend, so I figured if he’s not taking them I don’t need to get things until I get paid next weekend. Wrong. I had to go out that night again and get a set because, as I said, all I had were 3 frying pans and a skillet thing. Oddly enough, she didn’t take the dishes. They were her mom’s, just like the pots and pans, and for some reason she didn’t want them... don’t worry, I already plan to pack them up this weekend and give them back because lord knows what’ll happen if I dont and she decides she wants them six years from now. 

honestly though the biggest level of petty was the Tylenol PM. I know, it’s not a big deal. But it’s just one of those little things that I stopped and was like, are you fucking kidding me. I noticed that, after taking his bed and dressers, the pack of tissues he’d got us from Sam’s was gone. Again, he bought them, whatever. would’ve been nice for him to tell me so I had a heads up to fucking get them when I was at Walmart but whatever. he also took a 6-pack of toilet paper he’d gotten literally the day we ended things (because he’d gone to king Soopers with his mother instead of talking to me about the fight we’d had) and he’d initially told me to keep it, it was for me anyways. I noticed just last weekend it was gone. 

but the fucking Tylenol PM. I'm not one to buy brand name medicine. if I can get store brand, I will. Almost all my medicine is store brand except that Tylenol PM because I was really sick one year and wanted the good stuff. Y’all know how expensive Tylenol is. I sprang for it, and I used it sparingly because I didnt want to have to buy more if I didn’t really need it. Well, two weekends ago I fell down a fucking mountain. I was running a trail down a mountain, tripped, flew through the air, and landed on my shoulder and kneecap. It still hurts, and that day I was in a lot of pain. The regular Tylenol and Ibuprofen that I’d been switching back and forth with all day just wasn’t doing the trick and I was like, okay. this is a Tylenol PM kind of pain. That night, right before bed, I went to grab it from the bathroom cabinet. 

it was gone. the rest of my medicines, the store brand acetaminophen and store brand ibuprofen, those were still there, but the Tylenol PM was gone. It has exclusively only lived either on the dresser/nightstand in the bedroom, or the bathroom cabinet. as he took the dresser and nightstand, and it wasn’t in the cabinet, it had been taken. I cannot tell you how livid I was. it still pisses me off. because of all the things to take he took that. Not the rest of his bathroom shit, not even all his shit from the bedroom. but he took the Tylenol PM. I even asked if he knew where it might be - thinking he’d come across it at some point. he told me “it’s always been in the linen closet” where the rest of our medicines are. It was never there, but I checked the entire closet just in case - nothing. Again, I know it’s small. it’s just a bottle of pills. but it’s the whole damn thought behind it. 

there’s more things too - the fact that no, he doesn’t take all his things from a certain room, and I have to then box the rest of his shit up, move it out of my way, and clean the room that he trashed. 

It’s the fact that 90% of the things on our walls were his (which helps show me how little say I had on my own things in the apartment I exclusively pay for) and now that he’s taken them, he’s left the walls, hooks, and nails behind. most of them are up way above my head - he needed a ladder to put them in - and now they’re littered all over the wall. today, as he worked to get the shit from our front bedroom (hopefully the last things he’ll need to get) I asked him if he could also get the nails and hooks out of the wall because I can’t reach them. he asked me, “did you try using the step-ladder?”. I answered no, and he simply said, “that should work then”. Like, no. you put those up, so you could display all the things of yours YOU wanted to display (3 out of 4 walls in the room were covered with his things) and now he can’t even take the tacks down even though he took the hangings down. 

and then of course, it’s the fact that he just leaves a mess in his wake. when he first moved things out of the living room it was a mess. I spent hours rearranging shit, packing up the rest of his shit that he left behind, and then cleaning up everything because I still have to live here. it was the same with the bedroom. and now it’s gonna be the same thing with the front room. I told him today that everything needs to be out by next weekend because I can’t do this every weekend. He asked what I meant by ‘this’ and explained that I was tired of having to clean up everything that got messed up. He told me simply “it’s not being destroyed. I’m just taking my things”. At the moment the entire room was in shambles, everything askew from him digging his things out and leaving my stuff lying in piles. It’s cleaned up now - save the pile of boxes and junk at the top of the stairs - but I told him I have to clean up the mess that’s left behind. He didn’t have an answer for that. 

Honestly there’s really not a point to this. I’m just pissed, I’m annoyed, and I’m angry, and I’m sad. I’m just tired. And I wanted to vent. So if you stuck with me through this, I wanna thank you for listening. I appreciate being heard, because I haven’t been for so long. your time means a lot to me. 

Big Spoiler Time for Steven Universe The Movie. Do not read if you haven't watched it. Unless you wanna be very spoiled and even more confused.

Alright so I'm here to bring y'all two things. First things first is some disturbing information (CW for talk about suicide, you have been warned), and second things second is a spicy hot take that I'm sure I'm going to get

absolutely no hate for because nobody reads my shit anyways. aNYWAY SO HERE WE GO

1. So far in the show, we've only seen a singular gem take a new "base" form after being poofed. With that information, ask yourself this: how did Spinel change her form? No one was there to poof her. There was nothing there to cause some kind of freak accident. So if it is to be believed that a gem will only change form after being poofed, what poofed Spinel? Who poofed Spinel? Why poofed Spinel?

Spinel poofed Spinel. And truth be told, I 100% believe it wasn't meant to just be a poofing.

If we watch the scene that shows past Spinel after receiving the message, Spinel doesn't appear to be angry or have any kind of malicious intent. She's just hurt. Extremely, severely hurt.

Something to note about Spinel - it can be nearly as hard as diamond, and it's difficult to break.

If Spinel had attempted to shatter herself, it would have almost certainly failed. She could try over and over if she wanted to and still get nowhere. Chances are, her being poofed was just a botched shattering.

Sometimes, when people with Spinel's type of personality feel so hurt that they attempt to take their own life, they fail. And when those people fail/come to realize they're not going to be able to do it, they begin to take their frustration out on others.

Spinel didn't start with a plan to hurt people. She planned to hurt herself. And when that didnt work, she decided she would make everyone else feel the pain she was feeling.

And that's how her form changed from innocent to twisted.

Can you maybe see what my spicy take is yet? No? Well here it is:

Spinel was toxic from the start.

Whoo that is

Muy Caliente

(Excuse my shitty Spanish pls)

Yeah so everyone is out here saying how Spinel was an innocent bean that was too wholesome and pure for the world.

Y'all are straight up wrong.

Yeah what Pink did was shitty. But consider. Spinel was clingy and obsessive from the very start - to the point that Pink was getting clearly uncomfortable with it. There's a very large chance that Pink had tried to tell her to back off and that it backfired majorly. People that are clingy like that tend to react very badly to being told that they should give the person they're clingy to some space. They might start guilt tripping, gaslighting, threatening to blackmail, threatening to harm themselves, threatening to harm the person they're clinging to, or any other number of tactics. That kind of person cannot be reasoned with. So Pink very well may have been acting out of what she thought was her best interest by trying to have Spinel think it was just a game (plus Pink probably didnt think she'd be gone forever but who knows). Again - still doesn't make it entirely right, but at least is somewhat understandable.

Still not convinced Spinel was toxic af? Just watch her when she comes to earth. And I mean *really* pay attention to how she's acting and what she's planning. The pain she was going through was very real and very valid, but the way she chose to deal with it was not. She came to earth with every intention of killing off every living thing on the planet in order to spite Steven and his friends - to force them to feel her pain. We then see her again with the scene where she turns off the injector. In the scene before, Steven practically stated that he didnt feel the same way about her as she felt about him, and explicitly stated that someday she would find someone who would treat her better than Pink did - not him, not the crystal gems, just someone - and he told her he would help her however he could. But that didn't mean he would be her best friend. That didn't mean he'd always stick with her. Which brings us to the scene where she turns off the injector. The way she reacts to Steven is something straight out of the toxic personality textbook. She clearly still cannot even consider getting over her obsession with him. She takes what he says WAY out of context and goes absolutely batshit insane. She literally tries every tactic possible - first by trying to pin the blame on Steven, then by trying to guilt trip him, then by trying to threaten him (the scene with garnet - it's fucked up when you really think about it), then by trying to physically harm him, all the way up to the point where she literally threatens to kill him. This goes all the way up to the point when she finally realizes what she's doing and how messed up it all is.

Been there, done that. I had been that toxic clingy person before and I know how it feels to come to the sudden realization that all I was doing was just taking all of my pain and frustration out first on strangers but then on someone who I really had just wanted as a friend - as someone I could talk to considering I had no one else at the time. So when I saw that scene with Spinel it all instantly clicked because I saw her realizing her toxic behavior and suddenly realizing that it was time to let go and make a change.

Anyways don't get me wrong I love Spinel because I love that she was willing to make that change. But please for the love of all things can we stop trying to paint her as the innocent wholesome gem everyone is making her out to be? She was toxic from the start. End of story.

Finally, am I done giving my full thoughts on/venting my own experiences in 2017. Warning for child abuse, brief mention of/implied suicide, and homophobia.

Shoving the honest and blunt thought of how 2017 as numbers means nothing to me ( if you can get what I'm saying ) aside, looking at my chapter overall of this soon to be ending year, as I said before, it could've been better.

During the beginning of 2017 was when I had to deal with the loss of my very close friend as he left me even after everything I had done to give him the love and support he needed. Sure, the loss was mostly my fault; I snapped at him because of my paranoia and anxiety was running so high as I thought he was mad at me for dropping our long-term love plots for our OCs when I wanted to focus on my education more than roleplaying, but I still wish we could've actually talk and settle things right to each other, but if he wished to not do so and instead leave me and the things we had done together behind as he doesn't want forgive me, that's okay. People come and go, and what I did was a complete shitty as I should've known better so I don't blame him for leaving me. I just hope he's doing okay today and may 2018 and beyond treat him well. I know he had gone through so much and probably still does in the present, especially when Tr.mp was elected, even if it hurts a lot knowing I lost him in the end, I'm just glad that before we never talk to each other again, I managed to do for him what I always wanted to do all the time. To give the love and support when he needed them the most.

Meanwhile until September, I also have to deal with my so called friend at my school. He's narcissistic, unwilling to express much care, once threatened my other friend he would blackmail him, pretty much my mom 2.0 as in manipulative and an asshole. Again, I'm fine with him now, but during those months were so fucking shitty, and the fact I didn't feel like school could be like a tiny home to me with my friends, mainly Casey, while my apartment is fucking shit when my abusive and toxic mom is around, which is like 99.5% she is, was so depressing because there were no where else I could go besides internet with my online friends that would make me feel just a bit at least that I am still alive and real. Still does it blew my mind I had a 100% on my math test as I'm fucking terrible at math, but too bad I couldn't be proud of myself when that day was horrible having to deal with that fucker.

During the spring break on March, that was when I had a girlfriend. If I can actually tell it is supposed to be had instead of have. She was intelligent, funny, and just a wonder to be with. We reunited after we both left the roleplay site forum when it got revamped and haven't seen each other for months until that day we met again on Tumblr. She started saying how she should take me away and live with her somewhere far. How we should be together as a couple. I took her sayings as to date, and we did. Until in the middle of August, we lost touch as I realized she's not as friendly as I thought. I shouldn't be surprised, knowing her personality, but I just believed. Like a fool. To hear from my other friend how she was talking shit behind her back and lying about her when she couldn't be able to tell what holds behind her texts. My ex-girlfriend’s words and actions are just as worse as a stranger doing it, especially knowing how hers along with many others made my friend feel horrible and ashamed of herself to the point she wanted to give up. Even if she did it to someone who I’m just a stranger to, I do not ever accept that sort of attitude and mindset from anyone who does that, unless the person who are being treated that way had done or said way worse than not being able to tell how their texts were worded rudely or sarcastically when it wasn't intended to. Either you shut the fuck up or talk and behave civilly. It's so simple.

The problem I had with her ( anyway - if it weren't for her turning out to be a disgusting asshole ) was the lack of interactions, mainly from me. Both in reality and on the internet, I'm... not that great at socializing. So the fact her and I just drifted off to each other without saying any goodbyes or anything at all in the end doesn't really surprise me. Again, as I said earlier, people come and go, and I know with the friends I have today, they would all go, and I always tell every single one of them I love them because even if it hurts so much, I will never know when they would, so it's just best for me to remind them I love them. And I love them. And I want them to know even if them and I don't end up keeping in touch anymore, I love them so so much. I say this many times but I'm horrible at interacting and I never will. I'm not interesting as I don't get into many tv series, books, films, whatever. I get distracted easily, I don't have much time getting into them, and I'm so wary of the actors, actresses, writers, etc because nowadays, some of them would turn out to be completely way different as in disgusting and horrible than how they usually act towards their fans and such ( such as M.lanie M.rtinez and N.ck R.binson from Polygon who turned out to be garbage this year ). I shouldn't spend part of my life looking up to and even take my time and effort into making my content for what or who is actually full of shit. Fuck them. Even if I am into few things at least, I rarely talk to people about it unless they prompted me to, though eventually I don't continue it because I don't know how to. So if you talk to me, don't be surprised I don't often reply back when either I don't know how to continue the conversation or I'm overwhelmed at the thoughts of annoying you or whatever along the line. It’s very exhausting to talk to me, so really, I don't blame anyone even my close friends and partners who drifts away from me. But if you really want to be my friend, I advice you to keep talking to me, keep throwing topics at me, anything that would make it easy for you, even if I don't end up carrying it, just do it.

I think the absolute worse part of 2017 was when I believe on April when I got my journal book to do my journal stuff, I drew Casey as his favourite animal, and I drew a pin on him that said “I’m gay”. My mom saw, and she got extremely mad at me, telling me “being gay isn't something to be proud of,” and she kept shoving questions down in my throat if he was trans as she was also transphobic and I had to lie to her, replying that he's a new friend of mine while [ his dead name ] left the school. I apologized many times and thankfully I was forgiven, but I felt extremely shitty saying his dead name and to be honest, I still do. I should've done better but I just panicked and that was the first thing that came to mind. Then that was when my mom started to actually ignore me and for the first time she actually neglected me, she didn't give me my dinner as I have to get it myself, and she was mad at me for almost a week, which that's the longest time she was so at me. When I got my dinner after realizing she didn't give me any food, she asked me why as she thought I would stay in my room. At that time, I become completely careless and emotionless, just eating my food as she just ranted her toxic and abusive ass at me. Throughout the entire time while I was eating, she was trying to gaslight me and guilt-trip me. All I can remember her saying was how she knew one day I will leave her behind. That when I was born, she can already tell by the look of me that that I would end up leaving her behind and become a disgrace. That I would turn out to be horrible. I knew she was trying to make me feel guilty, but having a fear of turning out to be rude and violent already, that still didn't help me become more anxious and afraid of myself as just that small part of me feel like that would happen. That was when I tried to plan running away from home. At least live with Casey. But after a week of thinking about it, I realized how completely difficult and different my life would be if I did run away from home, and it's not that easy doing that like I see in movies, video games and whatnot, plus I can't just leave my two brothers behind, so I dropped the plans. Obviously, I deal with her every single day, so I shouldn't be bothered listing everything else that she did to me, but that was the absolute worse one I got from her in 2017.

2017 was definitely the year I've honestly dealt with a lot of intrusive and suicidal thoughts and had used self-deprecation humor so many times, more than I had in any other years, as I can only assume my depression was getting worse as months went by. Also my emotions? They are in no doubt messy and exhausting to deal with this year as people would see me happy then five minutes later I'm sad and is ready to embrace death then five minute later, here I am being happy again. I like to think that when I'm dealing with some dumb sad shit and/or dealing with something bad that happened to me it's easy for me to get out of them as long as I have something to distract me and keep me calm? I don't know, but I guess it's good knowing that I don't often get stuck into the mud for weeks at least. But yeah. Bless this mess.

Despite all of that, during the last August was when I got into Brooklyn Nine Nine and Sugar Pine 7, as September was when I got into Buzzfeed Unsolved. They were the very few best things that I had done in that year as I don't regret getting into them at all. They bring me so much joy and inspiration. Also the people in the community of Buzzfeed Unsolved who does graphic/video edits and artworks are the ones who actually pushed me into doing graphic edits as a hobby with a massive amount of inspiration. I made so many friends in that community and they all make me feel so loved and respected everyday as it's always a joy to see them on my dashboard. To know how it feels to be so alive and most importantly happy at the end of the year from September to December is a fucking blessing, and just, to the friends I made from few months ago through Buzzfeed Unsolved along with Casey, Cy, and Ella, thank you all so so much. 2017 could've been better to me, yes, but you guys making my 2017 at least a bit more brighter and kind to me in the end is what makes it all up for it, and I can't ever be grateful enough for it.

Thank you.

Hey If someone’s doing a commission for you but you never pay, then you shit on them, then trash-talk them in “private” where someone who knows better than to believe your shit can see it, maybe don't throw a dang hissy fit when they use the (very generic pose) rough sketch to finish as a commission for someone else? I’m not wrong for using art that *I* made that *you* didn’t pay for and that *I* have all the rights to lol? I’m tired of you vilifying me for trying to move on with my life and turn bad memories into something good and/or profitable for myself, as you KNOW you have done. Jesus, the hypocrisy... you’ve probably made over a grand off all the designs and art I gave you. Which, by the way, I don’t regret, because I’m not an asshole who wishes they could take back the things they gave to the people they (used to) love. 

You need to grow up and move on, as you keep bragging that you have, because you clearly have not. Shit, you’re even desperate enough to rub elbows with animal rape-supporting pieces of trash just so you can add more coddlers to the ol’ hugbox. What a sleazy person you turned out to be. You discard anyone the moment they don’t give you precisely what you want. You think of everyTHING and everyONE in terms of black and white. Pure or evil. Perfect or horrible. Precious or toxic. There is no in-between with you. You try to control who your friends talk to. You guilt-trip and gaslight your partners to get what you want. And if they don’t give it to you, they’re gone. And as you know, I’m not the only person who feels precisely this way. This is insanely unhealthy. And you try to publicly diagnose me? Since when are you such a gross asshole? Were you just that good at hiding it all this time, or was I just an idiot for not seeing it sooner? For your own sake and for the sake of those around you, you HAVE to stop with this obsession. You're not going to turn my loved ones against me. But you are turning yours against you. And as those same people have said; as much as you’d like to believe it’s my fault, I don’t have the power or desire to turn people against you, or as you call it, “steal” them from you. They are not possessions. Does your therapist even get to know all the horrible shit you say and do? Because if not, the “help” you’re getting isn’t actually going to help you one bit. They have to know the good AND the bad. I guarantee if they knew what you were doing, they’d have something to say that you would not want to hear. Just like mine advised me not to respond, yet I’m doing it anyway because as usual, I let you get to me. And some flawed part of me thinks maybe you’ll actually listen this time and stop letting your emotions spin you out of control. Even after all the shitty things you're saying about me, all I feel is concern and worry for you. And, honestly, fear. Your behavior is terrifying. You have the potential to be and do so much better than this. It's time to grow up. Oh, and you/your gang have ZERO right to talk about me not letting go. Anything I’ve said since we split has been in response to YOUR continuous trash-talking. You even tried to turn the commissioner of the re-done piece against me LOLOL: “Hey, just letting you know that the ref Vera is doing for you is recycled/re-used sketch of one she was doing for me (as a gift) before I broke up with her. Thought you should know, as I'm fairly certain she didn't disclose this information. It's fine by me, but awful if she's making money off old art like that.” But thankfully, she now knows what a psycho you are. 1. You said you were going to pay for it. You never did. 2. I’d posted the sketch. AS THE AD FOR THE COMMISSION. Didn’t hide shit. 3. Cancel that about me just feeling worried, legit pissed now. YOU’RE A VINDICTIVE, PRESUMPTUOUS ASSHOLE. NICE TRY THO :))))