#and now that my sanity is back im so stressed out i cant even be excited | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mukbangg · 5 months

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"God I can't choose between Billy that teases you trying to take his cock or Billy that's taking deep breaths and trying not to bust everytime you move."

PLEASE. PLEASE. we need the billy that loses control at a slight squeeze. we need the billy that forces us to cockwarm him until he can't take it anymore and loses control, once again. we need the disheveled billy that is so pussy drunk he cums from eating us out alone. im begging ON MY KNEES PLEAAASSEE your writing of him has me screaming into my pillow 😩😩

Haiii hope this works, I feel outta juice Billy come fill me up-

Pussy drunk billy fr.....

Imagine you're a shopkeeper

18+

Billy that cant go a day without fucking you or even just tasting you. He got to empty his load in you, how can he not when you're so sweet and pretty looking up at him, smiling like that. His cock swells up in his pants, leaking and sore and he just needs his girl so bad, his baby. He cant help it, his balls just get so heavy and achy with that built up cum, that rightfully belongs to you, you've got to help him out, right?

But you're a busy gal, working for one of the local shops. If you're not doing business you're keeping track of stock, you're checking the warehouse and all that, theres no time for anything.

Where does that leave Billy?

You've got him wrapped around your pinky, and he cant do anything about it.

So back at your house, a little cabin your daddy's left you, you've got Billy kissing up your nape, panting heavy breaths into your ear as he kneads at your waist.

"Please doll....I cant..."

His face drops to your shoulder, every muscle in his body wound up tight. You're seated in his lap, wearing just a delicate nightgown that's hes pulled up to your hips. But you're barely giving him the time of the day, elbows propped on the desk as you fill out some paperwork by the candle.

"Just a lil' bit more Billy,"

You mumble absentmindedly, eyes busy scanning the pages.

"You're killin' me here, darlin',"

He groans into your neck, full on making out with it as he sucks hickeys and drool all over your skin.

Every time you shift, every time you bend further to squint at your papers, hes gonna fucking explode in his pants.

Before you know it, hes reaching over your front to free his cock, pulling back your pretty panties just enough to slip his cock into the fabric.

"Billy!"

You huff but his toned arms are wrapped around you, teeth digging into your shoulder and with a start, you realised hes cumming onto your pussy.

"Need you so bad- oh fuu-uuck-"

Billy chokes out,trembling behind you.

Just the sweet warmth of your cunt against his cock had him squirting into your panties, soaking it with his thick seed as it slides through your folds and he buck his hips, still-hard cock grinding against your clit.

Its wet, squelching and filthy as he makes you stare down at the pink head of his cock visible through your drenched panties each time he thrusts up.

Slowly your halfhearted protests starts to fade into soft keening sounds as his fingers dig into the underside of your thighs, cockhead dipping into your slick hole. Just teasing ,fucking his swollen tip in.

"C'mon doll, she wants it, look shes droolin' alllll over me, darlin' please-"

You grip the edge of your desk, trying to maintain your sanity. Paperwork. The shop. Your boss-

"Fuck-"

You choke out when he slides all the way in, every coherent thought fleeing your mind. All that's left is how full you feel right now.

"See doll, wasnt that hard- fuck- was it? You need it too hmm, lemme take care of you,"

He press open mouth kisses up your nape to the back if your ear, groaning at how tight your walls are hugging him. It's been way too long since yall have fucked, with you being so busy at work.

"So stressed darlin', gotta relax- loosen up f'me or I'm gonna bust-"

Billy's hips are thrusting up into you uncontrollably, sloppy and quick as he huffed out broken moans into your neck. Hes babbling, one hand reaching over to tug your panties, pressing his cock tight into you.

The fabric is see through at this point, slick with both your juices.

"S'all f'me doll? All this hmm?"

And he pulls your panties just right, rubbing up on your aching clit.

"Just like that, just like tha- fuuuck-"

His voice tapers off into a strangled moan, balls tightening as he spills his load into you and trigger your own release.

As he fucks up into you slowly, your mind fuzzy from the pleasure, you realise hes mumbling into your neck, pressing wet kisses to your flushed skin.

"I've got a weeks worth saved up f'you doll....you're gonna take it, okay?"

His hand presses down on your tummy and you whine, tears spilling down your blotchy cheeks.

"Riigghht here where it belongs,"

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babyyweebbitch · 1 year

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Can i request Vi (Arcane) x overworked female reader?

I go to two schools (one is a music school)

Both schools give a huge amount of homework, the piano teacher is very demanding, I have a piano exam soon (which I don't know if I'll take because I can't remember so many given musical notes) and I also have my high school. I think I'll drop out of one of the schools for my own sanity.

I’m a crying, stressed out and simply tired mess and i feel like i’m losing control. The worst feeling ever🥲

Hug me please 😫

omg baby i’m so sorry! :( that’s a shit ton of stress and honestly i feel u with the stress! im currently very stressed out too and i hope things get better for u :) HERES A HUG

content warning : female reader , crying , stress

you were a collage student, currently in your second year of collage plus you also had a good paying job you worked at after school. the schedule was you go to school and mid day you left to go to work. that’s how it’s been since you got this job three years ago. recently there was an exam happening and you had to study during your breaks at work.

you recently got a new boss who has been an absolute asshole to you and a few other people and they’ve been working you like a dog. they changed your hours so you had to go home later leaving you barely any time to study and sleep. now your schedule was all fucked up… Vi noticed and has tried to help you but you always say you got it and that you didn’t need any help. she didn’t buy it honestly

it was getting closer and closer to exams and everything was getting to be too much. during one of your days off from work you studied all morning and part of the afternoon at your desk in yours and Vi’s shared room. she was sitting on the bed with her headphones in scrolling through social media. your phone vibrated and you glanced at it… it was your boss

‘i need you to come in for work today, in about 20 minutes please’ the text read. you don’t know why but reading that made you tear up, you started crying… no, sobbing. you placed your head on your desk and sobbed. vi moved her phone a bit to check on you and saw you sobbing at your desk. she immediately jumped up

“baby?! baby, what’s wrong?!” she asked, going over to you. she rubbed your back and you reached over to hug her, very tightly and just cried into her shoulder. she rubbed you back and she picked you up, carrying you to the bed “cupcake…”

“t…this is too much! vi…. i ca…i cant!” you said through cries. you gripped onto her shirt, she sushed you and held onto you

“i know…. i know — it’s alot…” she said in a soft voice, holding you until you were calmed down. after you calmed down you sat up and looked around “why don’t you take a b—“

“i gotta go to work! fuck!” you said, trying to stand up to get ready but she grabbed your arm. you looked at her and she tilted her head to the side. without saying a word you knew what she was trying to say “Vi i can’t”

“please…. you have too, it’s not good on your body”

“they will fire me…”

“fuck ‘em…. baby, if you take on anymore stress it will cause damage to your body. you’re already getting headaches and i can tell your hands are sore”

“how did you know about the headaches…”

“i saw the three bottles of Tylenol in the garbage when i went to take it out this morning”

you sighed and sat back down on the bed. you looked down

“and taking that much is gonna fuck up your body too”

“what do i tell them…”

“quit… find a new job — i’ll start charging more for my fights until you’re done for the summer”

“but the apartment…”

“we both have enough money to pay for it, plus the fights — i get alot for them. baby we will be fine for a few months” she said “i’ll even text ‘em for you!” she said, going to get your phone and unlocking it. she started typing away at your phone and you realised you’re trusting Vi to text your soon to be ex-boss

“please don’t be mean…”

she paused for a second…. then you heard her erasing the message

“Vi!”

“what?! you’re trusting me to do this for you!” she said in a joking tone. you laughed before snatching the phone from her and typing away. she placed her head on your shoulder to see what you were typing as you did. once you were done you placed your phone down and vi smiled. she stood up and started to get you clean clothes and went to the bathroom. you got up to follow her and see what she was doing — especially with your clothes

“whatcha doing?”

“starting a bath — for you! you deserve it” she said, starting to run a bath for you. she did everything the way you liked it and was surprised she got everything right, she’s only ever watched you do it so she decided to try. she helped you undress and get into the bath. she started helping you get clean and she hummed as she did.

the entire time you didn’t talk but the silence between you two was very calming to the both of you.

this isn’t the best but i hope u like it :)

#arcane #arcane x reader #vi #vi x reader #vi headcanons #vi x female reader #violet #lesbians #lesbian #lgbt

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safetyobstacles · 6 months

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starting o segredo na floresta now, im either gonna finish this in a week or its gonna take months good luck me

update - i love joui

joui, its a little cloudy out, roll for sanity. joe, you stubbed your toe, roll sanity. joui did you just frown???????? roll a sanity test with disadvantage. that was cool joui, you gain 1 sanity. just kidding somewhere in the netherlands a child tripped and scraped their knee, you lose 10 sanity.

i think im going to put my updates under the cut instead of spamming posts B) beware of spoil

UPDATE

if cellbit takes liz or thiago from me ill never forgive him

this bar has to be its own paranormal entity, thiago would have died if the gun had a bullet in it and cristopher nearly got knifed to death in their first fight loll

EP 2

npc thiago about to be the most useless mf ever i swear if he dies to a stray ant or something ill cry just put him in a box for safe keeping

what would i do without the mental image of joui dropkicking every monster he sees

liz why are you finger painting with the ooze monsters remains and why did it give you 1 hp ?????? NEVERMIND

EP 3

RACCOON bro has 8 health but he sure is happy

faz um teste de sanidade

when i said thiago was gonna die to an ant i didnt actually mean kill him with giant spiders

cristopher no please dont climb a tree these are spiders they can climb nah bro cristopher is dead af im gonna miss him. bro cellbit just kill him already bros dead 2 hp

damn

ep 4

at this rate luba doesnt even need to roll sanity we all know hes gonna fail anyways joui's having the worst two days of his life

jesus christ i just woke up i cant handle this shit cesar's punching a hole in my itty bitty heart bones

please stop talking about leticio's cacetinho

EP 5 how long is too long for a tumblr post btw

the starting soon screen replaced cris with arthur notlikethis

cellbit is far too happy about them going to this house i hate it i hate it

i would like for them to leave a casa now :))) they got gregório time to go :) DAMN JOUI JUST GOT STEAMROLLED BY THAT ZOMBIE ROLLED A 99 VS CELLS 1 jesus christ thiago LOL NO WAY GREGÓRIO IS DEAD AF bro was just taking a nap in the car and this is what he gets

that was horribly stressful its 3 am how am i supposed to sleep after that

to be fair, if i was rodolfo and liz didnt use the tazer, i would have just dragged gregório in front of arthur and killed him in right in front of his face soo...

ROLLED 100 LOOOOOOOOOOOOL a caverna

COOL GUY ALERT HOPE HE DOESNT KILL BRULIO HAHAhahaaa

EP 6 I HAVE GREAT ANXIETY THIS MESTRE GUY IS ABOUT TO KILL HALF THE SQUAD

luba i know youve been rolling absolute dog shit the last 5 episodes but this one really counts buddy brulio :(

most stressful hour of youtube ive ever sat through i cant believe they all lived

A PORTA FORTE

EP 7 im so glad they're going back to the house im so happy ive never wanted anything else this is great nothing could go wrong in this house nothing

7 episodes in and ive just now realised that he keeps talking about circles and spirals and those have significance with a certain element and now i want them to leave carpazinha go back home forget this ever happened

undressing with the homies in the haunted basement next to a dead old man

not thiago canonically talking to a bookshelf after complaining about joui's whispering to his shotgun

THIS GRAVE IS SO COMPLICATEDDDD I BET ITS FUCKING EMPTY THEYRE ARGUING ABOUT HOW TO "knock out" AN OLD LADY AND ITS PROBABLY JUST WORMS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE GRAVEEE

this whole graveyard scene has me in tears thiago staring at nothing while they try to get him to unmute, old guy on the phone, joui picking up the old lady i just laughed so hard i feel ill

the one time joui doesnt fail a roll he loses 6 SANITY?? 8 SANITY?????????????? SENHORA VOCE TA BEM????? YOU JUST CHOKED HER OUT JOUI WAIT SHES GONNA DIE??????????? SHES GOING TO DIE???????????? THE GASOLINE IN THE MOUTH??

grounded from the shotgun for 1 week

EP 8

Thiago's pants are still fucked up from last episode btw

about to have a tpk over alchohol poisoning

if cesar survives this campaign hes gonna put as many points possible into forgery

a caverna im goign fuckign crazy the god of tdeath pr spomething is in this cave theyre gonna walk inside trip on a pebble and get eaten by hundreds of tiny cave beetles

Victor is absolutely about to get his face eated by a spider and/or be swallowed by the cave

ok but santo berço looks kinda cool like i would live there

EP 9 he just (re?)released osnf merch but i refuse to be spoiled by absolutely anything ive done so well i will not be tainted by cesar's really cool green on black long sleeve

wait i love the gatekeeper its a shame this town is probably a hallucination and theyre all actually slowly dying in the middle of the forest GIANT COWS I LOVE THE GIANT COWS WITH REGULAR SIZED HEADS

????????????????????????????????FELPS??????????????????????

buttery butter

thiago this is why you should have quit smoking

?????FELPS?????????

EP 10 so if thiago hadnt used the lighter would felps still be alive, probably just would have died later B)

bro joui has got to buy new dice this is crazy

this is gonna be the average 2 star motel experience BRO JUST DABBED ON CESAR liz is about to get bodied by the hallway ghosts this is just like a regular motel HUH UHHHHHHH

no joui kill the hotel guy joui kill the hotel guy joui kill the hotel guy joui kill the hotel guy joui kill the hotel guy joui kill the hotel guy

mom i want to go home i dont want to stay in santo berço anymore jesus christ

EP 11 how am i supposed to just start the next episode after that i think the mental image of brulio beating arthurs skull in is burned into my brain space

sandwich sandwich

i love the giant cows so much i want one GIANT CHICKEN LAY GIANT EGG I LOVE THE GIANT CHICKEN intimidating the human sized pig

EP 12 still thinking about how cellbit thought new zealand was so close to europe, he was so sure of it that he was making me unsure of where i knew new zealand was

both times thiago was played by cellbit some horrific shit happened so with arthur being an npc this episode im prepared for the worst also this starting soon screen is fucking wicked

are you telling me joui's max sanity is now 12 bros been losing it for so long hes stuck like this joui is the "damn, you live like this?" meme

CELLBO ROLEPLAYED TOO HARD HIS HEADSET JOINED AS AN ENEMY AND BEAT HIS SETUP

"that sounds like a book title" bro let the intrusive thought win

baby nidere

no way the cow has been suffering this whole time ill cry

theyre about to rp their way into an angry medieval mob when they get found with the body of the dead gatekeeper B) does santo berço have dungeons, bc if they do thats where theyll be sleeping tonight nvm the gatekeeper has demons inside him sorry joui HUh no way they killed the gatekeeper dude wtf

EP 13 chat's a bit excited to go in the cave guys if anyone reads this what am i supposed to do once i finish this season. what do you mean i just have to go onto desconjuração. what do you mean i have to leave this story behind. please let me keep all the characters in this one.

THE CAVE MAP IS COOOOOOL THE LIGHT MOVES WITH THE MINER everyone struggling to flip their characters 5 mins into the cave made me laugh so hard i had to pause to breathe

I LOVE MOLES DUDE THEYRE SO COOL ok but i dont love this many moles BRO I LOVE MOTHS TOO THIS IS AWESOME wait no i hate bats THIS MOTH IS SUFFERINGGGGG

THE SUCC hes about to kill them all with the Succ out of spite thiago never mock one of cellbit's monsters again ARTHUR ZIUM

door door door door door door door door door door the gatekeeper is alive???

ih arthur nah dude let go of cesar :(((((((((((( gotta hand it to arthur hes survived two of these situations now get it, hand it to him, CAUSE HE LOST HIS FUCKING ARM WTF HIS ARM DETATCH LIKE A LEGO sorry i vote we still kill the gatekeeper just in case just to be safe

EP 14 did cellbit have a past traumatic experience with a vacuum is that why he created the Succ

agatha?????? bro agatha's life sucked big pp

every time cellbit says hes excited for something i grow more afraid

if they kill and eat the gatekeeper would he also taste delicious just wondering

i think i might know the reason why 12 sanity joui has a funky grey form but 55 sanity thiago doesnt, but maybe im crazy nevermind thiago had the funky grey within him this whole time wait does that mean hes gonna die if santo berço dies DAMN

joui just really wants to see thiago naked also hes just blatantly stealing arthur's knife he really is losing all his sanity that was possibly the most unconvincing "nada" ive ever heard

EP 15 before i start a new episode i always go to the vod on twitch and watch the memes first so i can go "hehe" for five minutes, and then go "oh no" for the next 4 hours

hypothetically, if joui managed to get the symbol on him before anyone noticed would he have just lost all 12 of his sanity and gone mad cuz that would have been crazy :,)

this is it cellbit is finally going to kill npc thiago joui is so very happy about his shotgun i thought maybe he was getting better but hes whispering to it again

alright whats up with cellbit and the outwards opening doors because i swear i have never seen a door that opens out instead of in, are all the doors like that in his home these doors are made to have creatures attack from inside ih i just checked like 3 times to make sure i was on the right episode lmaoooo

"pobre martha" DAAAAAAMN MARIANA ICE COLD

one buff woman vs all 3 equipe kelvin who will win (1 woman) crazy that equipe kelvin managed to accomplish what took our group 9 episodes to get to lool they even got the leticio cacetinho dlc, but they did skip the spider boss fight and the entire house level

THE BLACKSMITH IS MIGUEL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

EP 16 the joui, liz, and arthur cosplay look like theyre going to a nice dinner meanwhile thiago, kenan, and cesar just look homeless

idk if thiago's making it out of this one :,) maybe we just take thiago's weapons its not like he can do much to help anyways kenan wants to skin him listen brother i dont think thats gonna work im at the 52 min mark and cellbit is acting sus af the blacksmith is about to appear and stomp them all or something

joui would roll a 99 and nearly knife cesar and liz is trying so hard not to metagame her way to the explosive backpack loving how trigger happy joui is right now go on guys give him more explosives what the worst that could happen

is kenan also a wellspring do they have to kill him cuz thats gonna be kind of awkward and on that note since thiago has the symbol on him does that make him a wellspring too ill cry i will cry

NOT JOUI APOLOGIZING FOR LYING ABOUT HIS SAMURAI ANCESTRY

damn that scene between joui, liz, and thiago was the best in the entire season

i would like to take this moment before they all get swallowed alive by some horrible sludge tentacle monster to proclaim my absolute hatred of Santo Berço. I know i said at the end of episode 8 that i thought it looked cool but im over it ive moved past that point in my life i hate Santo Berço

BIG GOOEY MEATBALL

"the people are happy here!" says the blacksmith as he currently has 5 people forcefully locked up for decades that have gone mad with probably no way of ever regaining their sanity i just realised miguel and the old blacksmith fucked so hard they had a kid

final boss aboutta come crawling out of the meatball please stop trying to skin thiago the symbol isnt gonna come off

THAT WAS SICK AF THEYRE ALL DEAD AS HELL

???????????????????? "kenan you have one last sane move before i take your character and throw him off a cliff"

post i made after i finished osnf (made like 3 days later because i was so so so so so so so so so so sad)

https://www.tumblr.com/safetyobstacles/739056899257942016/i-finished-osnf-after-almost-2-months-and-you-know?source=share

#ordem paranormal #osnf #really excited for this tho #first series got me hype #manteiga na manteiga

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awoooooubliette · 5 months

Text

i have,,,, a few thoughts about the new discord layout, and im sure you guys do too. i think it is borderline unusable, it is not “intuitive” and “streamlined” or whatever the fuck, and i’m genuinely really angry about it. if you guys AT ALL feel similarly, please send discord some feedback. i just sent some (i will attach my veritable essay of a response after this) and i NEVER do that. i can count the number of times i’ve sent feedback on one hand. but i’m angry, and i feel like it will help, so i did.

verbatim what i sent:

“THIS IS NOT JUST ABOUT AESTHETICS, THAT WAS JUST THE ONE THAT FELT RIGHT.

it doesn’t look like discord anymore, it looks like something else and it’s making me not want to use discord on mobile at all. i downloaded discord on mobile so that i could have something that worked the same as on computer, just smaller. and now it’s gone, the new layout is stressful, the stupid swipe to reply thing got rid of a whole entire facet of how i use discord, and the fact that you CANT CHANGE IT BACK is absolutely ridiculous. at least be smart about it and have the option there and collect data around who does and does not want to use it. additionally, having all the navigation buttons at the bottom was a stupid choice. they were fine where they were. and dms feels like it’s another platform entirely and i dont like it. also i heard from a friend that the “midnight” theme was already already a thing on android? so trying to pass it off as something new is disingenuous to say the least.

another problem is with the pins. the old way of organizing them was good! in this one, you can’t see images, and in dms it doesn’t differentiate between who sent what message. bad design.

ALSO also, the message search/ selecting pins is broken (if it’s on purpose it’s just *bad*). why does it take you to another…. tab, basically, of the same messages? and why whenever you hit the back arrow (even in settings, once, to get out of a section) does it take you all the way back to the main messaging area???

i’m so sorry to whoever has to read this ridiculously long complaint, but you guys fucked up your own site. it is borderline unusable. please do not change the computer version of discord, because i will have to leave for my own sanity and i don’t want to do that. i genuinely love discord but the change is (in the words of a blog i follow) worse than tumblr rolling out tumblr live. and look how much people hated that one.”

and i sent a second bit because i forgot about the stupid ass swiping/reply thing:

“the swiping to reply is redundant, and not being able to see all of the people you’re talking to feels isolating and i can already feel disconnected from the community in some of the larger servers i am in”

#i hate the discord update it’s so stupid #discord update #discord mobile

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quarantineddreamer · 3 years

Text

i’ve been absent, and i can’t be sorry (it’s been necessary), but i do miss this community and having the energy/time to participate.

in truth, it’s been a challenging past few months for me...

don’t want to bore anyone, so details below (tw: depression, anxiety, parental troubles, covid)

i was really fortunate to be really close to my family growing up. i had a great relationship with my parents. which is why it has been that much more painful for me this past year to have them slowly driven from me by the absurdity of current politics. i didn’t see it coming, i didn’t think my parents could become science deniers. and yet here i am...

i tried with everything i had to teach/reach them, but ultimately the stress of it all was causing my anxiety to reach extremely unhealthy levels. for my own health and sanity, i wrote them a long, heartfelt letter explaining why i would not be talking to them for the time being (as they refused to get vaccinated and began to behave dangerously, no masks, frequent outings, seeing lots of people). that was july.

august my parents visited my hometown. i did not see them or speak to them. my birthday passed, i did not see them or speak to them...

i spoke with my mother once, in september...and it’s all still just as bad. there was shouting, cursing, crying (mostly me tbh). she’s stubbornly clinging to her beliefs drilled into her by right-wing media. i wont get into them, but it’s conspiracy level bad... she got covid, she kept it from me and my brother until afterwards. miraculously she was okay despite taking “medicine” that has been proven to be ineffective against covid and potentially dangerous while sick to boot... it’s made her even more determined to cling to her insane theories about the vaccine, covid treatments, the government all of it...

i told her my life would continue without her and dad: i might get engaged (probably would have on my anniversary except my partner felt bad i wasnt talking to them at the time), married, who knows... covid isn’t going away anytime soon, and i cant agree to disagree with her on this. it matters too much to me that they be safe. if i let it go and something were to happen to her and my dad...i’d never forgive myself for it.

i’m not saying mine is the correct approach. i have been plagued with doubt and guilt off and on. my mom has used language that makes me feel like this is all my fault, for being anxious, for being depressed, for not just letting her have her dangerous opinions... but at the end of the day despite the pain and grief i feel for not having my parents right now, i am still better off than i was before. fewer panic attacks, able to focus at work, able to at least sleep some now.

i started anti-depressants when my mental health hit an all-time low during all of this, and they’ve been helping too. i really didn’t want to get back on them, but i believe they’ve saved my life.

sadly, between all this (and busy times at work) i’ve had very little time, focus, or motivation to write. i’ve barely been on here. to be completely honest, naps after work are common. the extra rest has become important. i’ve developed a sudden interest in true crime documentaries and sad movies?? i was very confused by this at first, since i’ve never ever had an interest before, but my therapist says its how im processing my trauma and grief lol

but why write all this out on tumblr, B? well... i like to scream into the abyss here, and i also want to be completely open about my struggles and mental health, because i was at my worst when i felt utterly alone, and if this post helps even one person who might be experiencing similar feel less alone than it’s worth it.

and i also wanted to let this community know why i’ve suddenly dropped off because it is a place that has brought my joy even during the chaos of the past year or so. i am going to be participating in the upcoming zkmbb and still have my other projects ready and waiting for me to return, but for now, the queue is going to be up and running and i’ll be a bit quieter as i fight my way through this and have to dedicate extra time to self-care.

i hope no one relates to this post, i really do, because it all hurts a lot and i dont want anyone to feel this pain, but if you do? you are a warrior, i admire your strength and courage --and i am sending you so much love.

best wishes all,

#long post #an explanation #some stream of consciousness #who knows #i just felt the urge to throw this all out there #personal

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crackcrocs · 3 years

Text

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #3

3. Transformation Central

the entities of my personalities would like to come together in one voice that speaks through me, we or I call this collection of words from the mustiest corners of my brain to this note page to voice something that might come close to what I feel underneath the skin I wear. In all my unorganised words- I might even go as far as to call this a poem, titled:

‘TRANSFORMATION CENTRAL’

sub characters in my head would appreciate if this could be visualised & understood through as deep a lens as humanly possible. even I confuse myself so if you can decode or relate to any of this, wonderful. If not, I’m locked in my own mind, swallowed the keys to my soul.

SIMILARITIES & INTERCONNECTEDNESS BETWEEN HUMAN & PLANT CONSCIOUSNESS EXIST! if you look closely at my nose freckles you’ll see the resemblance of the constellations above. if you look at the human veins & the layout of a tree, this is further proof.

{VISUALS THROUGH A SEPIA WINDOW STARING @ THE AUTUMN LEAFS; IMAGINING THE SEEDS UNDERNEATH, THROUGH NUMB ROOT VESSELS THAT PERMEATE THROUGH EVERY MEMBRANE OF MY EXTERNAL TO INTERNAL ENVIRONMENT}

~FEATURING THE VICIOUS CYCLE OF DEPRESSION & PERFECTIONISM.

here goes:

What is this part of my mind ?

If you want; delve inside-

I may look sweet like Alice,

but underneath it all

I deteste looking in the mirror

-cos I see the mad hatter.

my inner child needs a platter-

full of care not distortion & abuse pls.

less fibbin would’ve been a breeze.

now following the dead fish in the stream!

HOW on EARTH do I fit with the cod & the Haddock?

I’m the rainbow fish- beat & battered.

dim my own light cos I’m too afraid to shine.

alone.

thieves tried to steal my shiny scales.

I sat and watched them grow.

In the sea realm they were mean gargantuan selfish whales, with poisonous shark fangs & alligator tails. scorpion hands. (gremlins)

and still they make me feel like the alien-

I cant take it.

Make it make sense ?

I can’t.

controller in my hand-

Off balance stance.

anxiously I move round like a wobbly jelly.

where’s the button to balance my chi & shut out the ego ?

the teLLIE telling lies to our vision!

change the channel aura terracotta orange- daily dosage of vitamin D & C.

catch me sun gazing by the sea

head buzzin like a bee.

speaking from a dusty box

stuck on top of a forbidden shelf

cos I dunno how else.

I’m tryna delve deep but forgot how to dive

How can i visualise? scenery foggy-

the establishment man with the glue gun got me xD

inner monk burning but at peace

Cos I refuse to believe

If the only way is the American dream

Interconnected; like the frog in science -let’s dissect it!

down to every floating atom spirit neighbouring your door

subcategories & divisions, it’s more!

than the rich and the poor -prism that’s been built

do we all feel like a performance monkey on stilts?

will my data be extracted & used to mould a robots personality some day?

well obviously not.

does the price of our lives all amount down to slave ways?

LABOUR YAY!

but morals & values it seems we’ve forgot.

sO If i don’t speak its cos I’m lost.

or maybe i’m enlightened-

Standing at the edge of the porch;

watching TRYING to understand how the flowers grow.

questioning eVERYTHING man made!

I’ve stepped out of the perfect picture frame

I can see the coal pollute the sky

I need to hop on the train-

but I’m comfortable

Sunset to sunrise statue standing still.

what’s the ingredients to life’s yucky pie?

I’ve exceeded mental lotteries.

Sanity n universal peace would be a trophy.

TIL then I’ll be crafting & shaping a solid pottery reality,

with a few pence, gum, and a bandana of belongings tied to stick.

thinking one day I’ll be laying the bricks

& building a kingdom of bliss.

guess for now I’ll use the intricate delicate materials in my tool box- that’s all I’ve got.

might have a long way- maybe worth a shot.

I observe, cruisin in the sky.

dunno why..

I jus look @ the hills.

Only time & history reveals.

no thanks mr men-

I don’t want your prescription pills.

there’s enough propaganda as it is.

I won’t jump on the merry go round-

til my core trusts & envisions we’ll actually feel safe!

I don’t want to take part in this faux fur, sweet nothings & a jack in a box punching blur, so called future.

oh and genuinely thanks quarantine-for once again, I can hear bird sounds!

guess this is me tryna speak out loud!!!...

it’s not thrilling

system time killing everything-

mother nature’s oxygen

everything is nauseating

clock ticking, I better start creating.

they should write a book on how to be free when the system set us up to believe that we’re tied to the cut down trees that gives them a currency of greed that they breed.

If blindfolded, I don’t wanna eat what they feed.

Whilst they profit of us -tell us smile and the bandits don’t wanna see us happy.

they’re too busy robbing all our hoods.

In exchange for the silence, they’ve granted us with a 21’st century fashion garment of a slave muzzle! labelled conform.

More delusion to add to the already desensitised norm.

zootonic diseases, welcome covid 19 to your plastic kiddy tea party!- apologies for questioning your motive!

Been handed too many hot plates with a post it note saying HOLD THIS.

we’ll be okay just hush.

Same Shan message told to every generational seed.

If we don’t TRY overpower-

we’ll never succeed!

it’s getting even more scary.

Artificial intelligence.

Societal negligence..

my canvas isn’t clear-dunno am I schizo ?

finger painting, cos it makes more sense.

struggling to blend.

borderline conspiracist pretending to be fine;

moving the goal post, hovering above the race line.

who made the chalk? who set the lanes?

I wanna know it all, maybe¿ far past insane.

I can fit all I need in the palm of my hand,

Maybe even less! cut a finger off not sure it’ll even add stress.

hi from personality Peter, even sober- always away with the fairies.

Pass the pixie dust, I’m in a rush

Found shelter in the comfort of pan physicists timer, no not the one on your phone!

Ring ring, skeptical! is it my demon or my mommy on the phone?

I’m stuck in the airspace of an infinite glass filled with beach particles trying to form myself standing up still attempting not to slip through the hands of my very own discovery.

time is running out & ill go when I go.

I’m sitting inside the fly trap -

stardust, chakras can you feel the sensation colors like a starburst.

deep emotion is a curse.

still entrapped in the sand dune of nothingness-

flipping a domino monopoly of solidified thoughts as I sway with the wind.

I’m the trapped sandbox in the playground & the slipping sand in my own hands.

Inhale chronic but I wanna enter the quiet realm of white noise

-color of a wife beater vest, calmer than the ease in ignorance of a red neck.

sadomasochistic, messes.

but oblivion, seems like less stress.

Unfortunately I can see, with all eyes

empathetic paralysis, gets me vexed.

Punching truth into the core of your chest!

It’s not funny, neither is the one on the receiving end..

My limbs are numb

& im done playing octopus alchemy.

I want minimalism & life can be simple,

Evil entities have made it hard.

Maybe I’ve got stars above my head like an old cartoon character.

But I can’t make it make sense, are they out to get me. worse all of us? Or have I bottled myself tryna re mesh the broken shards,

I feel glued to the floor cos there’s a pretty price to pay if you want more.

I see life through a different lense, maybe born downside up, Benjamin button I came out the back door-

Outside looking in, digesting confusion.

Is to be a product of environment a sin?

rummage through my messy brain.

personalities sardine packed in this tin

I’m the wizard of my mania

Scaring & attracting the black crows-

they’re my friends.

Sometimes still a cowardly lion

Roaring pain & true riddles at the wrenching wicked witch posse of the west.

will my voice ever be loud enough to shed light wit my words and grate the sweet zest

In to the cake i’m baking?

Probably not.

Got more thoughts than the autumn leaves collected by the garden rake. alone.

gathering & storing the pains of yesterday.

sometimes I stay in line

Other times in my head Im on my hands juggling out of time.

but I really don’t mind if I lose or win.

we all have a pace

I jus don’t want the 1% to win the race.

It’s unfair!

Humanity does anyone care ??

Half lady

half fairy

Good MOOrning-

from my anagrams.

no I’m not a cow.

twister fidget spinner brain in the flesh-

form of expression this time around lyrics.

feel I’m jus a silly rubix

& still mourning

I don’t like dairy

pass the oat milk.

Are you aware the industry are sabotaging our diets?

we want peace!

the powerful elite-

perceive & deceive

the scene they want us to be.

chuck the narcissistic psychopathic pie back in our face-

every time we almost found & addressed the Programme & Control man in the maze.

evil & extroverted- he said that the anarchists have to be the cause of riots.

working isn’t class. I said let’s switch roles- he said pass.

It’s piss! Who’s got the bomb & the guns?

Who got the land? off wit OUR heads 4 fun!

it’s pure scary.

Pharmaceutics handshake.

with the cooked up suppliers, also crooked wack liars.

I’d rather shot a gallon of bloody blubbery infused slaughter house milk

If it meant we didn’t use cocoons for silk.

why not add a drizzle of bleach to the concoction & maybe that’s a reach.

every time I guzzle fakeness, it taste peak.

I want real fruit, what next-

a seedless peach ???

what’s the difference between a weirdo & a freak?

layers & levels to the shit.

Magnifying tapping the window of society, I’ll be puffing green til I get to the land of Oz.

sponge soaked soaking up emotions

Suffocated by deduction of care in life

feel entrapped in this paradigm

what am I thinking ?

got the verbs & a cuppa tea

It’s mixed with torment & desire to be free.

I’d rather be awake than asleep

When I get too comfy I feel weak

Demons they reap

underneath

rip the seems as I bleed

Concrete

Solid

Emotions

Is all you’re getting

It’s all sad scenes in the imagery I’m setting

people need care we seem to be forgetting

why are we in debt wit

a posse of clowns

pay the price so we can get a frown

here’s some seratonin

quit ya moaning

life is all sound

aw yeh¿ if you’re not an over thinker!

product of environment- Sirius flickers

theyve done a ritual like it’s Wicca

now here’s your gold sticker..

for managing to co operate.

In this world fuelled off of evil n hate

waking ups a bloody disgrace

I am not amazed.

Man I love my fam n my friends

Just hate this part of my brain that feels the need to play pretend

sometimes I feel insane

but I’m calm

need to escape so I don’t do harm

Gold lioness in the sky by the sea

with puff the magic dragon

fire out my mouth, fuel helps me breathe

I will shine bright

Promise imma be alright

even tho I’m not sure why

I function like this

I wanna be myself

It’s just hard to find the comfortability

To feel happy and pretty

Lay me down on a bed of roses

Ring around sing about overdose emotions

Sorry dunno how to communicate

Heads in a constant debate

Should I go or should I stay

My head clashes

Burnin the next ciggy as my thoughts become ashes.

#LCZABIBU #deathwillonlybethebeginning

9 notes · View notes

toomanycharr · 3 years

Note

just like last time im asking this for ALL ur charr cuz i cant pick one and ur url is irresistable, anyways - 🌳 (What is your OC’s favourite way to relax after a stressful day? Do they have a favourite book to curl up with? A hobby? Or do they have a nice bubble bath and have an early night to bed?)

I have to warn you this answer took me almost an entire day to write out, but I’m no mouse. LONG answer below! I missed out the non-RP charr, charr that have died IC, and the other races, just for my own sanity.

Apnea Spiritmaul Apnea is a Blood gal at heart, even if she is part of Iron Legion. She often spends her free time sparring with any Blood Legion she can find (and kicking their butts, usually.)

Arcturis Spiritmaw Arcturis, being half-legionnaire, doesn’t get much free time. He does enjoy taking far-too-long showers when he can, though. He will also just lay in the snow if he is in that climate.

Nerium Primalgaze (Yeah this isn’t alphabetical, I remade the alphabetical charr as her, hah.) Nerium is the type to enjoy the smaller things in life. Good ‘company’, a nice bath...

Artaios Earthshaker Earthshaker is a very, very old man. He spends his free time teaching any young charr who are interested in the ways of the Elements, or he sleeps. A lot.

Ashran Deadwar Ashran is another charr that likes to spar. He’ll fight, or go to the bane to watch the fights there.

Auva Solarbeast / Ryta Thundervex Auva likes to spend time with her mate Ryta, and the two enjoy stargazing, cloudwatching, or anything to do with the sky. Auva also likes to read to Ryta.

Barb Axefell Barb was another charr that had little time. She works, she sleeps, and that’s about it.

Caye Bearbreaker Copious amounts of ale. End answer.

Corax Lunarcaller/ Xyx Blacklunar Corax likes to spend time with his ravens and also loves to read.

Cur Blitzpillager Cur likes to go very, very fast on her bike. No destination needed.

Eris Spiritheart Eris, much like her brother and co-legionnaire Arcturis, doesn’t get a lot of time. She used to spend all her free time with her mate, Vanessa, but since Vanessa died she’s mostly just been... Lost. She often just sits, staring into any bodies of water nearby.

Erro Sharkbone Erro is the type that sleeps with one eye open, so she doesn’t really let herself have any downtime. She’s either working or being too paranoid to do anything but watch her back.

Freki The Vile Lionguards and ‘free time’ don’t really mix. When she does find a few quiet minutes, Freki does quite enjoy fishing.

Gacrux Lifebringer Gacrux is an avid reader, from leaflets she finds on her adventures, to books she may happen across. It’s debatable if she can actually READ, but she sure likes to look at words.

Geier Hearthhew When Geier isn’t annoying the Adamant Guard, making unnecessary hassle for Warband charr, or stealing metal from the Citadel to pawn off to whoever may buy it, he likes to go grawl-watching.

Grus Lunarspark Grus enjoys tinkering with his guns and gyros. Whilst in Drizzlewood, he picked up the enjoyment of fishing out of the need for something substantial to eat.

Hadar Tumultcleave Hadar enjoys learning new spells. With the arrival of new-flame into the legions, he’s learning a lot more that he didn’t have a chance to before!

Invidere Envyheart Invidere is a bit of a writer and will spend a few hours before sleep time writing if possible.

Purtia the Brazen Purtia enjoys drinking whiskey, fighting Bloods, and taking trips out to the lakes to swim.

Kai Bossfang Another fighty charr. How original!

King Tyant King is currently in the Stockades. So, uh. Yeah. Not much he CAN do. He does enjoy singing, much to the jailer’s displeasure.

Malice Wrathwalker Before he was a centurion, Malice would enjoy drinking with his warband, or going out for long ‘patrols.’ He has no time for that now, though.

Malin Lunarstone / Malin the Pallid Malin has recently been trying to draw- which has been a hassle, as she’s more recently lost her writing hand. Doesn’t stop her. In the past, she would do alchemy as a hobby. She also brews and drinks a lot of tea.

Murren Rubblecroon While Murren is a singer, he’s a terrible lyricist. But... His hobby is writing some of the worst, non-sensical lyrics ever derived from a charr.

Nenqe the Shield Nenqe makes guitars as a hobby! She also enjoys eating.

Rallus Weldcog Rallus enjoys tinkering with his mechanical devourerer and drinking beer.

Rouzl Crypticfury I guess you could say Rouzl is a... story crafter. Because he likes to make up bullshit stories that never actually happened to make him look like a hero.

Rrul Rivecleave Rrul enjoys a good whiskey, watching the Bane, and more recently spending time with his ‘mate’ (as much as he won’t admit she is,) Sargas.

Sargas Broadcinder Sargas, being an ambassador of Greetsglory, has to keep herself as well-presented as possible at all times. She’d love to drink and fight, but she cannot.

Seamstress Kombucha Kombucha likes to bake (terribly) in her spare time. It’s a shame her talent is all specced into tailoring, as she makes a lot of food waste.

Sergi Serpentfang A charr well past her retirement and too stubborn to become a praetor, Sergi enjoyed complaining about how it used to be before the treaty, complaining about her useless cubs, and complaining about.... Well, anything else. BUT NOW SHE’S A FROSTY SO.

Skurr Arsonfume Skurr is another pain in the Adamant's tail. He enjoys stealing, outrunning those he just stole from and making New Flame legion look bad, apparently.

Speldan Cinderquell Speldan likes to visit Nolan to help with the devourerers. Recently, she’s taken a mild interest in magic thanks to her Legionnaire.

Syn Thunderstalker Being a stinky no-friend flame-licker (And also some really bad crap I’d rather not talk about, but... Old flame. I’m sure you can imagine.)

Tamika Dustshot Tamika likes to volunteer at the orphanage, hoping to change the children’s opinions on charr. She also raises tiger babies!

Temac Gemstrike Another charr that likes to steal, but she doesn’t do it to cause problems like the last two. She’s actually GOOD at it.

The Truest One Poor boy gets no free time. The reason why is a spoiler for my RP storyline, but he’s usually asleep...

Valun Nettlefall Valun is a hobbyist entomologist! He’s a sniper and will hide out within the wilderness for days on end- he’s taken a liking to identifying and documenting bugs whilst he’s out there.

Vega Brinegut Vega enjoys birdwatching! Not a very pirate-y activity for sure, but when you’re on the seas, seeing a bird is a sign of land coming soon.

Veta Wraithvine Veta is still very much in training and dedicates most of her time to that. She does enjoy soaking in rivers when she can, though.

Vopros Redtail Having recently joined the legions, Vopros doesn’t entirely know what to do with his new ‘freedom’. He likes to try a bit of everything.

Wurzel Cidersnout Wurzel enjoys boardgames! He plays with his sire, Xeryl, and his brother, Wassail.

Xeryl Scrapzap Xeryl doesn’t like board games as much as his cub. He plays them because he’s a good dad, but would rather be doing anything else... Like sleeping.

Xyx Blackrune Xyx is an adventurer and likes to go to new, interesting places. She also enjoys cooking!

Yeens Yeens likes to sew, even though she’s terrible at it. She tried to do repairs to her ship’s sails, but the first mate always redoes it after she botches it.

Zyre Endstrider Zyre is a bit of a poet, writing edgy and depressing prose over a bottle of whiskey.

Aries Mistwalker Another charr that doesn’t have much time. She’s a mist commander, and when she’s not sleeping, she’s leading the war.

Auxantious Auxantious (Aka. The Ghost of Godslost) is usually looking for anyone that may need his help, or making potions in his mist-shrouded tent.

Boor Keenjaw A huge glutton, Boor enjoys challenging others to eating contests. He always wins.

Breve Blackeye Breve is an alcoholic. He drinks, a lot. He’s never really in the right mind for hobbies beside that.

Ceres Siezescrap Ceres sometimes swings by the ranches when she needs some time out, sampling their wares and helping tend to the cows.

Congou Drakesdame Congou is always on the move, but when she does settle, she likes to curl up with her drakes and read.

Falk Blazebane As much as Blood has tried to ‘brainwash’ the young charr, Falk is still very much a free mind. He enjoys drawing, and has recently taken up cartography!

Firstmate Razormaw Razormaw likes to grow plants on the ship! They near-always die, but it doesn’t dissuade her. She likes to sing to them.

Galao Blackcandle Galao is usually always cooking. He does enjoy fishing, too, but he gets little time to.

Gannet Aegisjaw Gannet likes to challenge Boor to eating contests. He never wins, but they both have a good time.

Gnarl Shattersiege Gnarl loves to cook! And eat. He’s often found at the grills, making far too much meat and sharing it out with anyone who might be nearby.

Kallisti Smokehunt Kallisti enjoys swimming, and is often seen at a lake. She enjoys seeing how long she can hold her breath underwater (She’s pretty good at it!)

Mayall Stargazer Despite her name and job as an astrologist, Mayall turns to the ground for her hobbies. She enjoys studying plants and mushrooms!

Mehl Kilnsunder Mehl is another charr who isn’t sure what to do with her new freedom. She really enjoys spending time with the other Whispers agents, one of them is currently teaching her how to read. She likes that.

Mitho Deathgrip Another charr that’s always spoiling for a fight, Mitho is usually found getting in trouble by challenging charr double her size.

Parus Direblight Parus likes to talk to the patrons of the bar he works in, and get to know them all. He may or may not take some back to his room. Damn mousepouncers.

Polaris Anvilstone Polaris is a hobbyist brewer! It’s become a little more serious recently. They make all sorts of beers!

Rau Bitterbark Rau spends all his free time doing fahrar refresher courses for charr who seem to have forgotten their training. This is his way of relaxing..?

Rauch Slypoison Rauch likes to try new drinks and foods. She often hangs out in Divinity’s Reach, testing cocktails for a human barkeep there.

Rook Foulflare Rook is another Entomologist! He raises the bugs, though.

Skar Battlebeat Skar... Attempts to write songs. He's the drummer of his band for a reason, though- He cannot sing, or write. Rumor is he just does it to try to impess the lead singer...

Skellur Boomtooth Skellur likes to do anything that makes a big noise. He often hangs at the cannons near the trading post, chatting to the workers when they’re not shooting at ghosts,

Spinel Blackcarve Much like her name suggests, Spinel enjoys carving statues and toys for the cubs out of chunks of wood.

Tabus Anvilshift Tabus enjoys reading, watching leylines,and being a bastard.

Teuen Venomwolf Teuen enjoys listening to music, and reading. He doesn't like metal.

Tiburtius Rendsight This charr never relaxes. Even if she could, she wouldn't.

Tuocha Blacksnow Tuocha will go to any snowy climate and just lay in the snow. If he can't do that, he'll complain how hot it is, constantly.

Volca Slashthroat Volca is a vile creature who wouldn't know 'fun' or 'relaxation' if it hit her in the face. The closest she gets is just killing indiscrimanately.

Vorrar Vorrar is another cook, who often tried to make food out of things that do not belong in food. It never tastes good, and is hardly even edible half the time.

Vurmbait the Feral Vurm doesn't eally have any hobbies besides trying to plot the downfall of the charr legions and the Olmakhan, and training herself to have a chance at doing that.

Xyx Blackbriar No, this isn't the same Xyx, there's just multiples! Xyx enjoys just being in nature, gathering moa feathers, and looking at plants. He's clueless about plants, but he likes them.

Yaxa Oozemaw Yaxa likes to watch, and star in, sometimes, plays! She doesn't get to watch them often, but as soon as she's not on duty with Maw, she's looking for where to enjoy a good (or absolutely terrible) play.

#long post #holy hell this took an age #answers #text

4 notes · View notes

btxtreads · 4 years

Text

ANOTHER TAG ASHJHJASD

extra long tag game (aka a tmi that no one particularly cares for)

tagged by @txthearteu

tagging @markhyucknorenminchenji @qtsoobin @beomberry @txtdiaries and other people who wanna do it idk

ONE

tell me the first song that made you stan your current fave group and why did your faves attract you so much?

of course, none other than king943 hSJADJSAJHAS. He’s a little secret I’ll let you all in on: the first person I actually noticed in TXT was,,,,,,, Kang Taehyun hSDHJAHJSDAHSA but he wasn’t my bias. I just thought he was cute (also amused me bc my BTS bias was Taehyung and I found a guy named Taehyun cute), but I didn’t stan them then. I started stanning when I saw ONE DREAM.TXT where they talked to BTS and found them really cute and endearing. Looking into them, they were wild, and chaotic and so fun and also i got rEAAAALLY attached to Soobin. So here I am. There u go, my stanning story.

TWO

rule: answer the ten questions and write your own!

what’s your unrealistic goal for life?

becoming a famous actress or singer hJSHADJSA

if you had known that we would be in a global pandemic, what’s one thing that you would’ve done before things shut down (if they have for you)?

Went to a theme park. I miss going to theme parks 🥺

what’s an unconventional thing that you carry around with you when you go out?

hmmm most of the time i just go out with just my phone and money unless I need to bring a bag due to safety concerns/more items needed. So I’d say nothing unconventional.

favourite type of plushies and why?

God do I seem boring hsahsajjsa but i wasn’t too big on plushies. I had a gigantic teddy bear named Justin when I was a kid (it’s a bear with shades that my brother gave me) and I used to buy plushies whenever I’m in disneyland, it’s all in my sister’s reading lounge. The only plushie in my room now is a Mollang doll wearing like a blue shirt/dress, it’s my favorite rn It’s squishyyyy

favourite song right now?

right now, it’s Work It by Sabrina Carpenter.

something that you’ve always wanted to learn?

Dancing (i literally suck. i have no idea how. no joke), Vocal Lessons (had some lessons briefly for like a year but i stopped and want to take some again), music production, acting, hosting

tell a funny story about yourself (or just something that you’ve witnessed)

ok okok so one time in our class groupchat we were talking about class elections for officers. There were muse votes and some people were saying they want me to be the muse but i didnt want to bc i was busy with work. Then they started saying that they want me to be the muse and this guy that i rejected be the escort. while this is happening, i was simping hard for soobin in another chat. anyways, i got everything mixed up and accidentally sent the soobin simp stuff to the class chat and everyone thought i was simping for the classmate i rejected i was so asHAMED.

headphones or speakers? why?

speakers! idk i just like blastic the music loud.

craving any food right now? what are you craving?

anything with cheese

which music streaming platform do you prefer? why?

spotify since its free for me askjjksad someone pays for my subscription lmaooo

😌✌️

questions from cj to me:

android or apple? why?

APPLE because im loyal 😌 and i guess im just used to it so its easier to use for me + all my gadgets at home are mac

words of affirmation or physical affection? why?

I think there should be a good balance of both. The words will have the ability to give you this sense of comfort and satisfaction and you know just overall a peace of mind when you hear the right words??? and physical affection bc sometimes it’s just better to get a hug or a kiss isntead of talking yk? actions speak louder than words sometimes

bean bag or rocking chair? why?

Honestly, this would depend. If I’m reading a book and feeling very vintage with a hot cup of coffee, definitely a rocking chair. If I’m watching TV and basically just chilling I’d go for Bean Bag. I like maintaining the atmosphere.

do you view a half-filled glass as half-full or half-empty or an in-between? why? (go as deep as you can)

I view it as in-between, because there’s always room for improvement. There’s always things to change, and consider, and make better. There’s no such thing as perfect.

If someone were to grant your wish right now, what would it be and why?

Please stop corona right now and let everyone go back to their daily lives and please let me attend a TXT concert bls im begging on my kNEES

if someone were to give you anything you want right now, what would it be and why? (something that can be held)

Give me Soobin I just want to give him a hug. this is valid i can hold him

favorite season and why

Winter! Even if I’ve never experienced snow or winter before, the whole idea of snow is just really fun and endearing to me. One of my bucketlists is to see snow in real life. I think it has to do with the fact that I’ve always been this person to prefer the cold over heat.

what made you enter tumblr?

I’ve always been here! Just not in kpop tumblr. I’ve since deleted my old accounts and shame but i came back to write. It’s always been so stress-relieving to me, to write without any expectations on my back because I’m thinking about grades or a competition. Also Soobin simping is a daily thing and I gotta release it somewhere man

are you happy with where you are in life right now? why or why not?

Yes. I may not be the richest or the prettiest, or smartest or whatever, but I have a good family that loves me. I have good friends that support me and I have TXT and BTS to help me cope when things get overwhelming. I have a job that gives me a little bit of income (it’s not too common for college students here to get jobs like in the US, most of them just focus on acads) and all the means to continue my education amidst the pandemic. So really, I’m grateful for where I am now.

to see the boys in real life but for it to happen only once in your lifetime, or to meet the boys via online fan meeting as many times as you can in your lifetime? why?

Why do you have to do me dirty cj,,,,, prolly online. I may not get to hug them or anything but I get to talk to them still. As may times as I want to. And as a girl whose sanity literally just depends on Soobin giggles rn it’ll be very therapeutic to me to see them and talk to them as much as I could, even just through a screen.

QUESTIONS FROM ME TO YOU:

Cinema or Netflix? Why?

Fire or Rain? Why?

What’s the worst experience you’ve had as a KPOP stan?

How do you handle stress?

Favorite Disney Princess and why?

Which fictional character do you say you relate the most to?

How did you get into KPOP?

What kind of merch you got 👀

Would you date a KPOP idol? What would you do if you do date one? (doesnt have to be your bias, just wanna see what y’all would do)

Would you rather be with someone you love but doesn’t love you back or be with someone that loves yu but you don’t love them back? (Or, as the Filipinos would say, Mahal ko o Mahal Ako)

THREE

rule: bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations, then tag nine people.

AIR ༉⋆͙̈

i have small hands / i love the night sky / i watch animals and birds when i pass them by / i drink herbal tea / i wake to see the dawn / the smell of dust is comforting / i’m valued for being wise / i prefer books to music / i meditate / i find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

FIRE ༉⋆͙̈

i don’t have straight hair / i like to wear ripped jeans and overalls / i play an organized sport / i love dogs / i am not afraid of adventure / i love to talk to strangers / i always try new foods / i enjoy road trips / summer is my favorite season / my radio is always playing

WATER ༉⋆͙̈

i wear bracelets on my wrists / i love the bustle of the city / i have more than one set of piercings / i read poetry / i love the sound of a thunderstorm / i want to travel the world / i sleep past midday most days / i love simply lit dinners and fluorescent signs / i rewatch kids shows out of nostalgia / i see emotions in colors not words

EARTH ༉⋆͙̈

i wear glasses or contacts / i enjoy doing the laundry / i am a vegetarian or vegan / i have an excellent sense of time / my humor is very cheerful / i am a valued advisor to my friends / i believe in true love / i love this chill of mountain air / i’m always listening to music / i am highly trusted by the people in my life

AETHER ༉⋆͙̈

i go without makeup in my daily life / i make my own artwork / i keep on track of my tasks and time / i always know true north / i see beauty in everything / i can always smell flowers / i smile at everyone i pass by / i always fear history repeating itself / i have recovered from a mental disorder / i can love unconditionally

FOUR

PERSONAL

name: -

nickname: rina

birthday: -

zodiac: gemini

nationality: filipino

languages: english, filipino

gender: female

sexuality: straight

height: 5′2 like 2 years ago, i probably grew like an inch or two

BLOG STUFF

inspiration for muse: --

meaning behind my url: bts and txt fanfics to read hasjhsahj

blog established: ,,,,, i cant remember askjjksdjkdsa but the blog is only a few months old!

followers: 384!!! love yall

FAVORITES

favourite animals: b u n n y y y y y

favourite books: CAMP HALF BLOOD SERIES BY RICK RIORDAN IM ZEUS’ DAUGHTER YALL

favourite colour: black, blue, purple

favourite fictional characters: Percy Jackson, Jaron from Ascendance Trilogy, Chimmy!!! hihi

favourite flower: white roses

favourite scent: coffee

favourite season: winter

RANDOM

average hours of sleep: 3-5 or 8-10.

cats or dogs: dogs because cats scare me

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: coffee!!! especially if it’s iced and sweet

current time: 12:21 AM

dream trip: California. Look I have the visa, pls miss rona. just leave so cali can just let me IN

dream job: actress or singer

hobbies: writing, reading, watching crackvids

hogwarts house: gryffindor

last movie watched: Work It (bc it has sabrina carpenter ahshsahsa i have low standards when we talk about Sabrina)

last song listened to: Helpless - Hamilton OBC

no. of blankets you sleep with: 1

random fact(s): if given the chance again, I would go on a date in high school. Also try to exert more effort in my appearance back then i looked like an honest to god M E S S (tbh i still do but now i have eyebrow liner on) hsajhsajhh

FIVE

10 things I can’t stop listening to (at the moment)

Run Away - TXT

Work It - Sabrina Carpenter

Euphoria - BTS

Song Cry - Yeonjun

Helpless - Hamilton OBC

Satisfied - Hamilton OBC

Journey to the past - Anastasia OBC

Lost in the Woods - Frozen OST

Perfect Song - Sabrina Carpenter

Friends - BTS

#tags #tagging #tagged yet again #sadjkjksdajad #what a mess #im so basic wtf

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neonstahli · 4 years

Text

I honestly, don't know if I'm going to get out of this rut the way things keep going, even with me trying to make it right. It's one thing after another, and I'm tired. I'm fed up. I've been contemplating going back to CT for days now. As a serious thought, not just me saying it. I have really no purpose out here anymore besides for the kids, but eventually they want to do their own thing and frankly, I'm fine with it.

So I dont know. Maybe I'll end up moving somewhere else entirely and no one will know. Not to be ominous. I'm just fed up with my life as it's going. It's a soap Opera so overplayed the mere thought of its theme song makes you sick. Literally I read my posts and go "this is just fucking sad" because it really is, in multiple ways.

But, I lost shit this year. Friends, grips of sanity, trust in most people, one of our dogs died (I'm still thankful to those who tried to help him during that vet time. You really did give us a few more days with him and I wouldn't want anything more but to have more time with that boy. Thank you.) and the car as well like, a lot of shit has gone down. I am being pursued for debt for some fucking reason, even though any other time it was okay. Apparently this year they want to go sue-crazy. So I have two cases of those I have to fix and pay by myself. No one elses help. Not even the ones involved. Well, one. And it's fine. It's really not, nothing is, thus why I say fucking fuck everything I'm running, but that's my go-to for everything.

But I'm seriously, seriously fed the fuck up. If things go on one more month like this...if 2021 is still this rut, I'm fucking gone. I'm going extreme. Like I cant fucking do this I want to rip my hair out and I've really contemplated seeing if it feels better than the goddamn pain I've been in over this stress

I don't enjoy, any of this. A pandoras box of literal hat-pulling of "what will go wrong this week? Or today?"

I find our things every day like I should expect to wake up to another episode of what went wrong this time? The car goes, I have to spend twice my check now to get there and back home, I find out because of this we are now almost SIX FUCKING HUNDRED DOLLARS BEHIND IN BILLS.

SO NOW IM HERE LIKE, DO I FUCKING POST? DO I TRY??? DO I EVEN BOTHER? DO I LET THE LIGHTS AND HEAT SHUT OFF TO PROVE THE FUCKING POINT????? Like I'm fucking tired. I am goddamn sick, and tired. The stress is killing me. I do not sleep more than 2 hours a night. I work 48 hours a week at a factory where I am always moving. I am the only one paying for things here.

And I am going to fucking snap. It is going to happen. And I am going to end up hurting someone or myself. Because I cannot deal with this shit anymore. I cannot fucking do it. I can't eat, I have tremors when I try. I wake myself up sobbing or trembling if I do happen to sleep longer than 2 hours. I have consistent headaches and vertigo. My arms are slowly LITERALLY GOING NUMB due to overwork and carpal tunnel syndrome + a pinched/torn ulnar nerve in my left arm. I've passed out at work twice in the bathroom without realizing it. I am killing myself trying to climb out of this rut. But I am trying. And I ask for help because I am killing myself trying.

So fuck you for thinking I'm just begging without any cause.

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faunusrights · 4 years

Text

OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 18

IN THIS EPISODE OF ROBLOX OOF NOISE:

“Yes.” Glynda couldn’t hang up, not without: “I’m—I’m sorry. About what I—”

“It’s alright. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Okay—” The feed cut. Softly, Glynda said again, “Okay.”

GLYNDA DISCOVERS WHY BEING CINDER FALL SUCKS

do u know how hard it is to wake up and play animal crossing whilst knowing this chapter looms over yr shoulder,

OKAY HERE WE GO

She was fidgety; even Cinder mentioned her pacing, shooting a critical eye her way. Glynda sat, intent on stillness; moments later, Cinder mentioned her bouncing leg.

i LOVE it when a chapter calls me out just right out of the gate hahaha who gave u the right

"Really?" How long had they been doing that? How long ago had Cinder noticed? "Should I stay?"

cinder: maybe i should tell glynda abt that /see glynda pacing a dent into the floor cinder: ooooooor i could. NOT give her an excuse to bully them for something to do,

On her way down the street, Glynda couldn't help but stare at the car, its tinted windows revealing nothing within. As she passed it, she kept glancing over her shoulder, expecting an attack or something. But nothing came of it.

HJGDFSGSDFHKGHJDF GLYNDA,,,,,,,,,,, can u imagine being in the white fang, and sittin in yr fuckin. TINTED WINDOWED like BULLETPROOF CAR and yr sat on yr ass watching out for cinder “dumbass” fall and suddenly glynda goodwitch, The Top Bitch, comes out and starts GLARING YR CAR DOWN,,, like ah. i think she knows we’re here. hrm. hm.

i would just like. drive to mcdonalds and get some nuggies at that point.

She had a clutch of flash-images and a wash of emotions and impressions, the raw materials of memory, stored as-is without refining. She was quite used to that—most of her missions were hazy and rough in her memory, mere sketches of events.

i cant wait for glynda to become a vlogger if only so she can actually have physical proof of whatever the fuck happens whenever she goes out and about. get her a go-pro.

It told her: despite her restlessness, despite the arduous journey here, and despite the way Vale seemed to call for her from somewhere beyond the horizon, she felt quite content to be where she was.

the difference having a gf has huh,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, u got a whole ass home (being cased by the fang) a real nice city to live in (its floating and atlas wants yr number) a bunch of unread msgs (from a [redacted] who [redacted]) and its a nice day!!! its all coming together. but probably not for very long,

(i got very distracted at this point making a line graph for the animal crossing stalk market so here we go, x2 edition,)

That meant the nightlife would soon begin. She had never liked crowds; too many people, too much input at once. It was hard to focus, to be comfortable.

/chefs kiss

autistic glynda did u kno: id die for u,

Since she’d blocked Ozpin’s number, there was no chance of receiving anything directly from him—but there was still a moment of pause each time she checked her Scroll, as if expecting his smiling face to appear somehow.

OH YEAH LMAO SHE DID THAT SHIT HUH,,,,,,,,,, i still cannot BELIEVE that happened. GOD. cant wait for this to bite her entire ass right off her body,

By the time she reached the top landing, Winter had replied: “I wasn’t aware that you had additional support on this mission, Professor. I will need their full name and Hunter’s license number.”

To answer Cinder Fall and she doesn’t have a license, but she does have several warrants for her arrest felt like inviting Winter to question not only her integrity, but her sanity as well.

SDHGJFKSKGHDJFGJHDKF i cant say what makes this funnier because 👈😎👈 but HOHOHOHOOOOO could u imagine the fallout if she did just, say that shit. if we just went and fuckin said it like it was no biggie--

Finally, Glynda let her shoulders relax, exhaling deeply, like she would before rushing a Grimm. She wrote it plainly: “The clearance is for Cinder Fall.”

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

MA’AM WHAT THE F U C K

winter rn:

She’d just have to wriggle her way out of having to talk face-to-face, then return the game to a field she felt slightly more comfortable with: text.

okay this is so funny to me cause i just keep thinking of her sending ‘no reason’ to oz. a MASTER of textual conversion. un fucking PARALLELED in this field, UNRIVALLED,

Glynda tossed a look at the door as well, her mouth pulling into a line; what if Cinder came outside? What if—

Could Winter track her exact position using her Scroll signal? She minimized the projection of Winter’s face and hurried off in a random direction the instant she hit the bottom of the stairs.

i LOVE these two because this is the first time we’ve rly seen glynda like. Actively do smthng to defend cinder in this sort of way? she’s been pretty passivve abt letting cinder take the lead when theyre together but on her own shes thinking of all the contingencies to make sure winter cant find cinder and u know what. thats gay. what will u do for yr not-gf when yr talking to someone who would kick her ass in a hot second,

also im TAKING to grab choice lines here to comment upon but honestly this next section is SO GOOD that im rly struggling to find a line to encapsulate how much i am LOVING this convo. i cant say exactly WHY im loving it because again thats 👈😎👈 BUT KNOW THAT THIS IS VERY GOOD FOOD AND I AM ENJOYING IT. and im also enjoying this line a lot

Winter’s voice was decisive: “Professor, if you hang up on me, I am flying to your location—tonight.”

winter: if y’all dont shut the fuck up back there i am turning this car, city, and continent AROUND,

It was the same thing, over and over: people didn’t understand her and she didn’t understand them. It was an exercise in futility that only gave her grief. In the end, she gave up on trying to explain herself. She resigned to being wrong, to always being wrong, even when she knew she wasn’t.

OOF OKAY WHAT THE HELL IS UP W/ THIS FIC AND CALLOUTS. HUH??? ME BITCH!!! I FEEL THAT!! AND IT SUCKS,

/reads the next bit

oh are we donning our tinfoil hats? we’re donning our tinfoil hats.

It was so easy. Glynda didn’t stumble over her words even once; didn’t waver. She was built for doing harm. Her anger burned hot and clean; it excised all the hurt like a malignant tumor.

Maybe she really had learned something from Cinder—channeling her frustration, her guilt, her pain, all of it into anger like this was something Glynda was new to. But it felt good. She leaned into it, letting it take the reins; the distressing memories vanished like wisps of smoke, vaporized by the heat of her wrath.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS god this is. SO EXCITING. i also love it when ppl rub off one one another its my FAV thing in the WORLD and this anger is. WOO. this anger is. DANDY. its also a very short-term burst of pleasure glynda so enjoy that hollowed-out whoopsie feeling that i sure get when i Blow Up,

“She butchered my friend!” Winter snarled, the camera shaking as she slapped the desk. “She butchered my friend in the streets like he was cattle! And I have done everything in my power to help you! Everything! To keep her from doing the same to you, and you’ve blown me off or lied or—” Winter’s voice snagged. “And now you tell me—you accuse me—”

It was early evening in Umbraroot, but it must already be night in Atlas. The shadows revealed the unclean angles of Winter’s face: the bruises of exhaustion under her eyes, the lines of stress at the corners of her mouth.

im sorry im just copy-pasting wholesale at this point but OH this is GOOD. i cant rly explain. like. the difference-- because you’d think from the og version this is just a bit more flavouring right? its like getting a bit of hot sauce on yr chicken wings and yr like ‘okay it adds smthng but its not like a side meal’ BUT IT IS A SIDE MEAL this is like a whole basket of fuckin. cheese-baked fries. winter DESERVES this screentime she DESERVES to have presence in this fic and OH does she USE IT im LIVINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Glynda wanted anger. She wanted fire and brimstone. She wanted a fight.

What she got was the glisten of tears on pale lashes. A hand covering Winter’s trembling mouth.

The ashy taste of remorse in her throat.

THERES THAT HOLLOWED-OUT WHOOPSIE FEELING!!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE IT IS RIGHT ON TIME. its like CLOCKWORK,

She didn’t have anything. Nothing against that. The possibility that Winter might truly care what happened to her had been so insignificantly small and easy to trample. She had forgotten about the losses Winter shouldered the moment Cinder had whispered inheritance.

it’s just like clockwork,

also this chapter feels lengthy but maybe its just cause i got distracted with animal crossing so ill have to do a wordcount check at the end

/checks

no its lengthy this is a thicc one,

“I know,” Glynda said. “I know. I know how this sounds. But she’s the only person who makes me feel like—like I make sense.” In her mind, Glynda lay in the darkness of Cinder’s bedroom, watching the glaze of streetlights along her lips as she said you.

you,,,,,,,,, we,,,,,,,,,,,, our,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, its all that gay shit,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

“If I’ve learned anything, it’s that Cinder Fall is a tremendous liar. She could convince you it is raining in Vacuo, given enough time. Two years ago, I was working on the Argus base, where I met her as a client; she told me she was a merchant seeking entrance into Atlas—she had all her documents in order, her entire persona set up, and she sold it perfectly. She was flawless—and all of it was fake. She gave me no reason to doubt her. She was—”

Winter cut herself off, abruptly. Then: “Once I was comfortable and safe, she burned down my office and murdered my friend.”

YES,,, SLOWLY THE LORE PIECES TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! winter is once bitten twice shy, but mayhaps we mean,,, once burnt,,,, twice shy,,,,,,,,,, hrmmmm,

Glynda told Winter everything.

OH MAN,,,, we’re really getting this messy fucking trio up in this bitch i am SO excited. i am THRILLED. here! we! go!!!!!!!!!! also i said it before but again im so glad winter gets to Be Here for this. sure this has nothing to do w/ her destiny or w/e but shes here now. shes in the uber. she waiting outside.

The dying potted plant Glynda had spotted last time on the back wall’s shelf had been replaced with a new one; this one’s leaves were beginning to shrivel at the ends.

dsfjhhkljsdf side note: is this like that scene in finding nemo where all the new fish see the niece and go ‘oh no we’re gonna die’ but instead its plants getting taken into winters office? they go ‘im sorry, mate, but once you go into her office, you come out TOTALLY dead,’

okay so this whole convo happened and if i try to pick one section ill end up picking it all AAAAAAAAAAAAAA im dying out here. WINTER BLEASE,,, BELIEVE THAT SOMETIMES CINDER CAN TELL A HALF-LIE. A SORTA-TRUTH. A SEMI-HEMI-DEMI HONESTY,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

How different would that mission have gone? How different would her life have been?

She found herself saying, “He had so many chances to tell me. Instead, he let me think I was reckless. That I was a danger to other people. I stopped working in teams. I didn’t have many people in my life to begin with, but afterwards was worse. He saw to it that he was all I had, and he let me think it was my fault.”

ROBLOXOOFNOISEDISTORTEDWITHDELAY.MP4

OOF!!!!!!! O O F!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! honestly OOF that shit HURTS BITCH!!!!!!! thats BANANAS. WILD. im also loving (hating???) the increase of painful glynda lore and honestly everyone feels like they have So Much More that builds them up and im THRIVING off it. im also suffering for it.

With the video feed closed, Glynda could see she had new notifications. Missed calls. From Cinder.

Glynda’s stomach lurched. She stowed her Scroll before she could think about them.

At the mouth of the alley, she could see the shape of Cinder’s apartment in the distance. She stood there for a long time, staring, uncertain what to do with her hands, unsure what to do with her heart. Her jaw flexed. She remembered the tears on Winter’s lashes. The friend she’d lost.

Glynda took her first step toward the apartment.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and so the soft domestic shit ends. but nowhere near as explosively as id thought???????? HUH. H U H. must b because we’re gearing up for smthng honk honk honk

ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. this chap was SO good its astonishing (despite the [several] times i got distracted by animal crossing rip me). WINTER!!!!!!!! BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant believe this disaster trio is coming together. also cant wait for glynda to tell cinder the shit she just pulled. oh no,

(also the wordcount was 5,931. just in case u were curious)

#liveblog #rwby #offal hunt #HERE IT IS #so much went unsaid because the convos were SO juicy so PLEASE read it #dfsghsdfjgh

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beforeiletgofanfiction · 5 years

Text

Chapter 3

Drake rolled over onto his side and reached for his iPhone that was sitting on the night stand next to him in his hotel room. He hesitated before picking up the phone and searching through his contacts for a number. He found the number he was looking for and let out a deep sigh before pressing the dial button to place the call.

Drake: Hey man its drake….uh… listen I know that I’m supposed to be at the VIP room in a few hours for the party, but I think im just gonna lay low tonight. I know we were supposed to be going all the way UP tonight, but I think its best if I just lay low this weekend.

Rorrey: Ok man…You sure? Everything good though?

Drake: Yeah, everything’s all good brother. I’m just feeling a bit under the weather you know? That long ass flight did me in harder than I anticipated man. So we just gonna’ stay at the hotel tonight and chill.

He knew it wasn’t his place to mention to rorrey what was going on between him and his sister. It was still very fresh. Plus he figured that his sister would eventually make it known to her family that they were done for good this time.

“ Ok bro, it’s all good. We gine turn di place up for you tonight still” Rorrey said in a thick bajan accent.

Drake: More life bredda. Link soon next time we in the states.

After he got off the phone with Rorrey, drake laid back on his king sized bed and looked up at the ceiling. He couldn’t believe that less than two hours ago he had gotten into the biggest argument of his lifetime. He was just in the happiest place he’d ever been in since he had gotten famous, and now he felt like he was at the lowest point he’s ever been in his life. Ironically enough, the same thing that brought him the greatest joy and happiness a few months back, was also the same thing currently causing him to fall into a state of depression and hopelessness: Robyn!

He tried to relax and take his mind off of what had just taken place but he couldn’t. It bothered him so much that he had to smoke two blunts to calm himself down. Never in his life had he ever reached the level of anger and stress that he’d just experienced. Now he just remained alone in a large luxury penthouse suite in Abu Dhabi. He had booked the suite months in advance with the intentions of having a romantic getaway with Rih after the last show of her tour. He was going to cover the entire suite in roses and candles, and fill up the bathtub, which was located directly in front of the huge king sized bed. It was supposed to be the night that he would ask her to move to Toronto with him. He imagined that she would say yes like the rider she is, and then they would proceed to make love for hours in the tub, just as they had done the night he asked her to be his girlfriend at the aquarium.

But that fantasy never became reality. She had broken up with him in the beginning of October over the phone while he was chilling in Toronto, and she was working on a fashion show in Paris, just because she suspected that he was cheating on her due to rumors that had been swirling around. Besides the dry happy birthday text she sent to his work phone on his birthday, they had barely spoken since then. When he arrived in Dubai he had hopes of having a face to face conversation and potentially rekindling their fairly new relationship. He called her up when he heard that she had landed from a source at the airport.

*****FLASHBACK ******************ROBYN POV***************

Robyn: Hello?

Drake: Hey rih, it’s me.

He didn’t say his name but she knew his voice like the back of her hand. She got up out of her chair in the hotel bathroom and made her way to the living room for privacy.

“Hey….” Robyn replied coldly. This nigga got some nerve, she thought to herself.

Drake: Listen, I know we haven’t spoken in a while, and we aren’t on the best of terms right now. I just…I really want you to know that I am truly sorry for ever making you feel anything less than happy. I haven’t been able to sleep much since we split. I know it’s a stretch, but since we’re both here in Dubai, I was thinking….. that maybe we could meet up and talk.

Rih: What is there even to talk about Aubrey? I already told you that I think it’s best for the both of us that we just go our separate ways for good since we cant never seem to get on di same page.” Robyn said with annoyance in her voice. She was in the middle of getting her hair done and he was calling her with his nonsense. Sure, you could say that she still had love for him, but after she let Chris play her for a fool one too many times, she vowed to always follow her intuition when it comes to relationships. Her intuition had been telling her for months that drake was full of secrets and shit.

Drake: I understand that your mind is made up, but me and you were good friends at one point and we’ve been knowing each other for years. I just want a chance to talk things out in a calm manner. If you still don’t believe me, then we can at least have some closure.

Rih thought about it silently for a few seconds. One of the things she always regretted about leaving a relationship abruptly is not tying up loose ends. She recently met someone that she saw potential in. She hoped to put her past behind her and move on from all the pain she experienced in her life. Maybe then, would true love and happiness find her again. So she needed to stop the cycle of her and drake breaking up to make up.

Rih: “OK.” She said with defeat. You and I can meet up privately in my hotel room tomorrow. Im staying at the Atlantis. Come at night time when it’s not so many people hanging around and I will have one of my guards escort you to my suite.

“Ok. I’ll be there” Drake said with relief. He was finally going to get one last chance to make it right between the two of them. He hoped that she would see that he was being genuine.

After Rih hung up the phone with Drake she walked back into the bathroom. She told Yusef that she wanted to do curls instead of bone straight like she originally said, so he left the room to go get his curling iron from his hotel room. She knew that it was going to be very difficult trying to end things for good with drake because he was so dedicated and persistent, but at the same time it was best for the mental health and sanity of them both, because their relationship had become toxic. Tomorrow she was going to say goodbye for the last time to a man that she once saw forever with. And she was going to make damn sure she looked on point from head to toe, even though she was going to be a mess on the inside.

To be continued…………

#aubrih #drake #rihanna #drakeandrihanna #drizzy #riri #ovo #beforeiletgoff #drake fanfic #drakefanfiction #drake fanfiction #aubrihfanfic #aubrihfanfiction #rihannafanfic #rihanna fanfiction #rihannafanfiction #fanfiction #fanfic

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convervative-blog · 5 years

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so, ptsd is the only dsm v recognized disorder which is classified as a psychiatric injury and not a congenital, inherited expression (ok blah ignoring that of course many things like bpd are now becoming known as typical complex trauma/abuse responses but thats not what this post is about, marsha linehan was robbed i will fight everybody...anyway...) alot of ppl really seem to misunderstand what ptsd is. it is an injury to our brains, it is a psychiatric injury which clearly and visibly affects our limbic system, our amygdala, our hippocampus. it literally lights up how we process memories events circumstances. it activates our pons, the area in our brainstem responsible for controlling stress, our “lizard brain”, the part of our brain that instinctively knows when shit is wrong and reacts and slams the 10/10 button before u have time to think. the adrenal system, the part that floods ur body with cortisol, adrenaline, endorphins, epinephrine, your muscles tighten, your pupils dilate, you know you can put your fist through something if you have to, you know you can make a run for that closet and hide in it if you have to, you know you gotta do something because shit is going down motherfucker!!!!!!!!!! ok so like some ppl with ptsd can be violent. we see this in media portrayals of ptsd all the time, the guy had a gun he was in iraq he went crazy. like thats the normal narrative, and ok within our community we really dont want to discuss how this is real and could be real for people. ok of fucking course that narrative is bullshit because most people with mental illness are more likely to be victims of violent crime not perpetrators and we need more positive inclusive healing narratives of ptsd because we want to see representations of ourselves! but this isnt about that because weve seen those posts, weve done the discourse, were doing the discourse, so im gonna talk about something else. something thats gonna piss everybody off so buckle up cowboys yeet haw. some ppl with ptsd become abusers, thats a fact. because some people cant deal with stress at all, they become hyperreactive and that reaction is fists, yelling, screaming, throwing things, becoming incoherent and nonsensical, etc etc. when your heart reaches 180 bpm (and it does with virtually any indistinguishable environmental or emotional trigger, it absolutely gets that high when your lizard brain takes over), you stop being able to think logically. part of having ptsd for me was learning that this is me, i dont hit but when little things happen my brain completely sheds the part of my personality that is logical reasonable and calm. my decision-making part, my risk/reward analyzing part, my organizing part. frontal lobe? lol seeya. i immediately become enraged and if i do nothing else ill usually yell/scream at TOP VOLUME and then after about 30 seconds, 60 seconds, when it cools off ill feel bad about it. sometimes when im having a bad day and multiple little things have gone on, ill get progressively worse and storm around swearing and slamming things, simmering, trying trying trying to get it under control, trying to fight through the hormone surge to claw back my reason, my sanity. its something i literally cant control, i have tried my whole life. im not denying responsibility for it of course im responsible for it, but thats reality, its my reality. its my reality that the person i live with has secondary ptsd because of me because of my life because i was a sex trafficking victim from age 8 and i cant deal with dropping a cup of water anymore because of it. my brain is literally damaged, literally, literally, literally. and i have hurt people because of it. maybe not physically but that doesnt matter. theres a person on this planet who is affected by the things ive done and will always be affected, and there is nothing i can do to fix that, or change it. as long as im alive it will be their reality as my caretaker (because atm im unemployable obviously for those reasons). and you go to therapy and they say “try writing about your anger,” you know. “try focusing on what makes you angry.” nothing makes me angry its not about that, its not about that at all and it shows a distinct lack of comprehension of what ptsd is. ptsd is your brain being unable to deal with minor, mundane, ordinary stress. and ppl dont grasp what the word stress in neurological contexts means. it means novel, sudden actions. there are even good stressors and bad stressors. sex is a good stressor! lots of action! lots of cognitive shit going on! going on a date, going to a movie, riding a roller coaster, meeting a stranger, being startled accidentally, dropping/breaking things, running out of meds, being late for something. theyre all ordinary things that most ppl can deal with even if its inconvenient. people with ptsd cant. because our brains are conditioned to view every stressor response as a potential trauma. funny thing is when trauma is actually going down our brains are pretty damn good at entering the fun zone, its that latent logical shit, ya know what i mean. everything gets slow-motion and youre able to shut down your emotions and just act and do the shit that has to be done, just clench up and freeze and let your eyes drift and you’re ready to endure. when you spend your whole life like that, every little thing becomes something your brain assesses as potentially traumatic, potentially going to harm you, your brain doesn’t know the difference between the telephone ringing unexpectedly or a masked intruder about to rape you. its like the fucking tumblr algorithm. beige tones?????//? ThIs iS nOt My SAfe PLAacE?!!! bam adrenal response. and im not trying to justify abuse, this isnt my attempt to justify it, but it is a real issue that exists for alot of people? probably people who arent involved in our community bc this seems to affect ppl who dont have regular access to online resources proportionately more (there is a link between being well-educated on ptsd and being better able to manage your ptsd, shocker water is wet etc etc, but its not imminently an obvious correlation! i dont hit people or break down the doors specifically because ive devoted my life to learning about and understanding my disorder) but there are people. we dont want to talk about this shit bc its like an open fucking secret, some of us get crazy some of us go fawn-like and become people pleasers, some of us get violent (’violence’ as a word im using to refer to ppl who explode outwardly and impact their environment in some way, not necessarily physical 100% of the time, you dont need to hit someone to be a violent person) anyway just thought id rant about this good luck chiddlers

#op #ptsd #seriouslysurvivor #actuallysurvivor #did #ddnos #trauma #abuse #stress #dsm v #dsm #mental illness #psychiatry #psychology #post traumatic stress disorder #neurology

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just-that-crazy-girl · 5 years

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(possible trigger warning) 1,181 words of my truth

Have you ever felt like you're in a war with your head? I do every single day. No matter all the positive things i tell myself, my mind tells me different. How is someone supposed to live with their selves everyday when all your mind can tell you is to give up? Everyday i fight with myself. I say " you have so much to live for. All the positive things, just think about them". Then my brain chimes in. all this stress is too much. you need to end it. you will be making everyone's lives better. you don’t deserve to live. You cant live with all this stress. Most days i feel like i am walking up a dirt hill. All the positives help me take one step closer to the top. To my sanity. my life, my separation, financial issues, Friends betrayal, Losing most of the people I have ever cared about. Thats all the stress that I call the rain. I’m almost at the top of the dirt hill where my life is, what is to me, perfect. Then here comes the rain. Turning the dirt into mud, causing me to slide back down to the bottom. Back to the place where i first started. I dont know how else i can explain my depression. One day i can go about living my life "normally". I dont feel the urges to die. I can handle all the stress in the world. Nothing can bring me down. The next day i dont want to move. Im afraid to the world. I want to lay under my blankets all day and hide. I feel the anxiety of having to deal with people. Having to go to the store. The thought of it is unbearable. How am i supposed to do this everyday.I feel like this is all my fault though. I should be able to control my thoughts. But i cant. I am so weak when it comes to my mind. I can relate my depression and anxiety to a tornado. depression is the cold front. Anxiety is the warm front. When the two of them collide they cause a spiral. and just like a tornado, its a downward spiral. Emotions are at an all time high. When the tornado hits, it destroys everything in its path. Me, friendships, the people i love. everything in my life that I cant control. I mean i cant even control my own thoughts.This isnt a choice for me. I dont want to wake up everyday thinking that it is the day to end it all. Frankly i am tired of the fight. I just want to feel normal again. I want to be able to outweigh the positives and the negatives. I dont want to fight the war of good and evil with myself any longer. I dont want to feel like a prisoner in my own mind any more. I want to be liberated. I want to feel like i have the control over myself.The worst thought you can have is the thought of being worthless. But are you really worthless or is your head starting that unwanted war again. I can almost guarantee that your head is starting a war that you cant win. the only way to make it out alive is too surrender. Give in. The fight then feels better to handle. the fight calms as it is now only one sided.Its easier to give in then to keep the fight going. Although a voice inside your head has a different view of how things are going to happen. your going to give up completely. end the possibility of yet another war ever commencing again. So when the fight with your emotions is done, you fight with the fact that you dont know if you should live or just die.What do you do when the world becomes to hard to handle? Where every piece of stress no matter how small or big, can get your emotions so riled up. Get in a fight with your friend? End it. Get in any small disagreement, End it. Every single thing that could be a possible inconvenience to you makes you want to end your everyday life. Do i want to feel like that everyday? No. but its like this veil comes down over my head. clouding my judgement between depressed and happy. the veil is dark. I cant see through it. The whole world is dark as i look through it. I just want to see the world in full colour again. I can pretend to be happy and smile and convince myself that im better. But literally in a split second, its gone. Its the the slate that i just wrote on was wiped clean. Fighting for my sanity. Im not crazy, I am crazy. Back and forth until i cant take it anymore. Im ready for a break down. I can feel the blackout starting. Im crying, Im shaking, I cant breath. The tears have clouded my vision. i cant see anything now. the whole room is black. What happens from there , i will never know. The light is coming back. Its been ten minutes at least. There is a knife in my hand. The knife has a layer of blood on it. My wrist is bleeding. I dont know how the knife got in my hand, or how i cut my wrists but it all happened. I cant deny it. The moment i come back to what is real life, I am filled with shame. I feel so terrible for what i have done. But its like it wasnt me. Almost like it happened in an alternate world. Where I am a different person who I do not recognize, or ever want to know. How could i let this happen again.You know sometimes the people who I think understand my illness the most seem to not understand it at times. People will look at me when i say that i am sad and say “why you have been doing so good lately”. you have been happy for a bit now and your life seems to be going good . how can you be sad? Me saying im sad is another way to say that my brain is sad. Physically I feel fine. I can smile all the time no matter what is going on. It doesnt stop the back of my head from the negative thoughts. Like oh your happy. Thats good. Just give me a minute to talk to you. You think you have your life playing out the way you want it to. But you are going to focus only on the negative of the situation. Everything good comes to an end. its going to make everything worse in the long run. So focus on that and dont get to happy. These negative thoughts out weigh every positive and i cant make it stop. I want it to stop, but they are almost involuntary. How can i do this. Its too much.

#mytruth mywar

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