#and now idk it's been over a year already she probably doesn't remember who i am anyway | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fallingforfictionalcharacterss · 2 years

Note

Hiii, I really liked Cookies and I was wondering if you could write something similar. I thought about enemies to lovers where Dracos friends slip potion into his drink and he starts to be all over her and she's really annoyed. But when the effect of the potion fates he doesn't stop behave like this because he is actually in love with her. And she realizes she is too. IDK, this is hard to explain.

Thank you so much for your request. This might have turned out as one of my favourite writings by now. I hope this is the way you wanted it.

The most powerful feeling

Warnings: implied mentions of suicide

“Damn it (Y/l/n), are you in every class I´m taking this year?”

“Of course, Malfoy. I couldn’t stand one without you.”

“Well, I can´t stand a class with you.” “I don’t think this is my problem, is it?” “You were really born to annoy me, weren’t you?”

“No, but I rather took your classes as well to do so, than take those that might help me with my future plans.”

“Is there space for anything but ruin my life?” “Oh yeah, you´re probably right. All my life is dedicated to you.”

You rolled your eyes. Malfoy just wanted to reply, when Professor Slughorn entered the classroom. The elder man greeted you cheerfully, while his students took their seats. You sat down next to Hermione, who was already listening to the Professor attentively.

After a short introduction, Professor Slughorn asked you to get closer to a table in front of him. On the table, he had placed some cauldrons.

“For the beginning, I have brought you some different potions. Who can tell me, which?” Hermione´s hand shot up immediately.

“Very well, Miss…” Professor Slughorn stopped and looked at her questionably.

“Granger, Sir.”, Hermione smiled.

You could see a flash of recognition on his face.

“Ahh, of course, Miss Granger. Mr Potter has already told me about you.”

You could see Hermione´s cheeks heat up in joy before she stepped forward and started to identify the different potions.

“I wonder how you even got in here.”, you heard a familiar voice sneering behind you. “I don’t remember you having any talent for this class.” “And I don’t remember the last time you were able to shut up.”

You sighted. But Malfoy was right. If Professor Snape would still be the teacher, you wouldn’t have been allowed to participate in the class, since he had some higher standards than the new Professor.

You brought your attention back to Hermione.

“This is Amortentia. It´s the most powerful love potion in the world.”

You could hear some gasps, but you were only slightly impressed. What was a love potion even good for? Why would you want to be with a person who you knew wouldn’t want to be with you if you hadn’t drugged them?

“Listen closely, (Y/l/n), this might be the only chance to ever get someone to love you.”, Malfoy continued teasing.

“Do you have a question, Mr. Malfoy?”, Professor Slughorn asked.

You could see Malfoy´s ears turning slightly pink, as the Professor called him out. You couldn’t help but grin in satisfaction.

“I am sorry Professor.”, Malfoy said with an innocent smile. “But I was just wondering why you said this potion is so powerful. Aren´t many more dangerous things in this room?”

Unlike you, Malfoy had seemed to be able to listen to the explanations of the Professor, while humiliating you once more. You sighted. This boy somehow always got his act together. Blaise Zabini and Pansy Parkinson snickered in approval at Malfoy´s words. Professor Slughorn also smiled and nodded.

“My dear boy, I assume you have never truly been in love, have you?”

Malfoy didn’t answer and just shrugged his shoulders, looking at his feet.

“Because if you had been,”, the Professor continued, “You would know that love is the most powerful feeling in the world. It can make you feel as if you are the luckiest person alive, or the most unfortunate one. It can make time stop or make it go faster. It can make you feel alive, but it can also kill you.” Slughorn stared into the void with a dreamy expression on his face.

“If one is able to truly love, it is the greatest gift in the world. You will be the happiest you have ever been. But it´s also the things we love the most that can hurt us the most.”

Then, the Professor snapped back to reality and looked at Malfoy, who stared at him unimpressed.

“One day, you might understand, dear boy.”

Then he continued his lesson.

“Such a shame you´re not capable of such feelings”, you whispered at Malfoy with a fake pity on your face. “Well, maybe except for yourself.”

Malfoy just stared at you with a blank face and didn’t answer.

“See, you can´t even say something against it.”, you smiled sweetly.

Then you turned to Professor Slughorn again and listen to him explaining the effect of Felix Felicis.

When you returned to your seats, you saw Malfoy and his friends, whispering on the other side of the room, shooting you some glances.

“You could think he has something better to do, don’t you?”, you whispered to Hermione, while gathering up the ingredients for the potion you had to brew. But Hermione just rolled her eyes.

“I could also think you would have something better to do, (Y/n).” “What, it´s not my fault, he is so obsessed with me. I´m just defending myself.”

But that wasn’t exactly true. Sure, it had been Malfoy who had started this hostility in the first year, by calling Hermione a mudblood. You had to hex him for this, of course, earning yourself a month of detention. After that incident it hadn’t been about his aversion to muggle-borns or that he was jealous of Harry all the time. You and the blond Slytherin by now had your personal enmity. You hated everything about him. The way he treated not only the people he didn’t like but also his friends, his pride, especially regarding his family, the way his silvery eyes were sparkling whenever he knew he had hurt someone and the way he was for some reason the only one who was able to keep up with your sarcastic remarks, you rarely ever made in front of others, knowing it might scare them off. But not Malfoy. Sometimes you even caught yourself enjoying your bickering, but as soon as you did, you reminded yourself, that the tall Slytherin boy with the arrogant smirk always playing around his full lips was nothing but your enemy. Everyone knew that, even though your friends sometimes made some comments about the unusual amount of time and effort you put into this hostility. Just like they did now.

“You know, sometimes you behave like an old married couple.”, Ron said from the other side of the table, weighing the sloth's brain.

“Sometimes I think I might have to get jealous (Y/n), I always thought Malfoy´s my enemy.”, Harry added with a smirk.

You just rolled your eyes.

“You really have to decide. Are we a couple or enemies?”

“Those things might go hand in hand, you know?”, Hermione now joined the conversation.

“I thought at least you would be on my side Mione.”, you whined. “I´m not interested in Malfoy. Not at all! He´s a spoiled git and there is nothing attractive about him at all.”

You put down the infusion of wormwood a little harder than intended, making the liquid nearly slop.

“Well, you have to admit he´s kinda hot.”, Hermione said and watched with a smug grin how Ron choked on the air, not able to calm down again until Harry patted his back.

You refused to answer. You had to admit that Malfoy wasn’t bad looking with his grey eyes and the small crinkles around his eyes whenever he -what happened rarely- laughed. But that changed nothing at all. To confirm your thoughts, you looked over to the table of the Slytherins, where the friends were still whispering. Little did you know, they had a pretty similar conversation going on.

“By Merlin´s beard, Pansy. I don’t like her. She´s a Gryffindor. She´s a friend of Potter. She is a filthy blood traitor with an average talent for sarcasm. That’s all.”

“Well, she is really pretty too, don’t you think?”

“If you like her that much then go date her yourself, Parkinson.”, Draco growled, before perusing his potion again.

Pansy watched her friend with narrowed eyes, before turning around to Blaise, who watched the scene with an amused grin. He was already used to it and found those conversations rather entertaining. But when Pansy approached him with a mischievous grin on her face, he knew this time something would be different.

“Blaise,”, Pansy said, her voice sounding as sweet as honey as she whispered: “I don’t think we can let him talk to me like this, do you? I think we might have to teach him a lesson. And (Y/l/n) too. It´s so annoying to watch them, not being able to solve their own problems.”

Blaise raised an eyebrow.

“How?”

Pansy´s grin only grew wider.

“I might have an idea.”

It was nearly the end of the lesson -Harry had been the only one who had brewed an acceptable potion- when Pansy Parkinson raised her hand.

“Excuse me Professor, I don’t feel very well.”, she said in a shaky voice.

You watched Professor Slughorn walking up to the girl who had by now sunken down on her chair. When the Professor got to their table, Blaise Zabini backed off immediately, making space for him. Slughorn felt the pulse of Pansy Parkinson. Then he nodded knowingly.

“No worries. You probably just inhaled too much of the vapours.”

With a quick flick of his wand, he conjured a cup and filled it with some water.

“Drink that. And if it won´t get better, feel free to leave the class.” The Slytherin nodded and smiled thankfully.

“Thank you, Professor. I think it´s already getting better.”

Slughorn returned her smile before he turned around and committed himself to the other students again.

Neither you nor anyone else saw the questioning glance, Pansy threw at Blaise. And neither you nor anyone else saw the triumphant grin on Blaise´s face when he waved with the small vial in his hand.

You cursed under your breath as you rushed through the corridors. You had overslept, not that this was unusual, and was late for breakfast now. Just as you rushed around the corner, someone bumped into you.

“By Salazar, I´m awake for not even half an hour and you are already ruining my day!”

You frowned. Out of all the people you had to run into Malfoy. This day started absolutely amazing.

“Could say the same.”, you mumbled.

You wanted to pass him, not in the mood for a dispute that early in the morning, but Malfoy had different plans. He grabbed you by the wrist, making you stop.

“Let go of me Malfoy!”, you barked.

“I will. But first, you are going to apologise.”

You stared at him in disbelieve.

“Me? Apologizing? To you?”

“Well, you are not as stupid as you look (Y/l/n).”, he snickered.

“You bumped into me.”, you said, feeling your face redden.

Malfoy laughed.

“I´m not the one running around like I´m crazy.”

“Neither do I.”

“Then why you bumped into me?”

“I didn’t…” You stopped and took a deep breath. Then you smiled up at the boy in front of you. “You know what? You´re right. I´m actually sorry.”

Malfoy looked at you, confused why you gave in that easy. But as soon as his grip loosened around your wrist you freed yourself and walked away. Before you disappeared behind the next corner, you turned around once more, adding: “Sorry for everyone who has to deal with you!”

When you saw Malfoy at breakfast, he shot you a deadly glance, probably still mad you had had the last word. You saw him sitting down with his friends. Pansy Parkinson and Blaise Zabini offered their friend a cup of pumpkin juice with a friendly smile. After he had emptied it, they burst into laughter, glancing over at you. As your gaze met theirs, you quickly looked away again, wondering why you had even looked there in the first place. Besides, you were late for class already. Luckily one, you didn’t share with the Slytherins.

When you got up and left the Great Hall, you resisted looking back to the table with Malfoy and his friends. But if you had done it, you might had seen the confused look in Malfoy´s eyes, when he watched you leave and Parkinson and Zabini high-fifing in a not-so-subtle way.

After your class, you walked into the courtyard, together with Hermione. Just as you talked about your DADA class with Snape, you ran into someone the second time this day. And for the second time, it was Malfoy.

“Godric, are you following me around?”, you frowned as you looked at the blond boy.

But instead of a counter-attack, he just stared at you, mesmerized. You returned his gaze, confused.

“Are you… okay?”, you asked carefully, when he didn’t react.

“You are so beautiful. You know that (Y/n)?”

You froze.

“What?”

“You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen in my entire life.”

You glanced at Hermione, who looked just as confused as you.

“Is that some kind of sick joke of yours?”, you asked, eying the boy in front of you distrustfully. But Malfoy just shook his head.

“That is nothing to joke about.”

“Aha?”

“I really mean it. You are so pretty. And I don’t mean your outer appearance. Even though it´s beautiful as well. I mean whenever I look into your eyes…” He looked at you dreamingly, like he would actually get lost in the way you looked at him.

“What´s wrong with my eyes Malfoy?”, you asked impatiently.

“Nothing, nothing is wrong with your eyes (Y/n). In fact, there is nothing wrong with you at all. You are just flawless.”

When he continued staring at you, a new thought crossed your mind.

“Wait, did you hurt your head?”

Malfoy looked at you irritated.

“What´s with my head?” But then a haze laid upon his gaze once more. “You are always so attentive. Do you worry about me?” His face lit up at that thought. “Is it because you like me? Because I like you (Y/n), I really do. And by that, I mean…”

“I mean did something happen to you? Did you trip? Maybe fell and hit your head?”

Draco shook his head.

“I didn’t fall. Well, I didn’t fall except for you. By the way, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

That was it. Hermione burst into laughter, while you just rolled your eyes.

“Okay, Malfoy, whatever is going on, get yourself together again. Can´t take you seriously like this.”

You turned around, together with Hermione, who by now whipped some tears from her cheeks, still giggling. But you didn’t get far.

“(Y/n), wait!”

You kept going.

“(Y/n), please!”

“What is it Malfoy?” “Why are you leaving already?”

“Why shouldn’t I?”

“I thought we could spend some time together. You know,”, he glared at Hermione, “just the two of us.”

You couldn’t help but laugh.

“If it had ever been just the two of us one had always tried to murder the other one.” Draco´s eyes widened.

“I could never do this to you (Y/n). I love you.”

You stared at him in disbelieve.

“Okay, now you are actually kidding me.”

Draco shook his head eagerly.

“I don’t. I mean it. I love you (Y/n).”

You could feel a strange aching in the area of your stomach. If this boy was playing games with you -which he obviously did- this wasn’t funny anymore. To play with the feelings of someone else in this way was just disgusting.

When you didn’t answer, Draco looked at you with puppy eyes.

“Please (Y/n), what can I do to make you believe me?”

You shrugged your shoulders.

“Just leave me alone for the rest of the day.”

You couldn’t deal with his behaviour right now. If he teased you, you knew exactly what to do, but when he behaved like this, complementing you and declaring his love, you had no idea what you were supposed to do.

“But I can´t. We are made for each other. Every second without you is one wasted!”

The sound of his voice nearly made your heart break. But that was the exact reason why you needed to leave. You couldn’t deal with whatever this was.

“C´mon Hermione, let´s just leave.”

Your friend obeyed and you left the poor boy standing there on his own, utterly confused about what had just happened. Did he do something wrong?

That´s what he also asked his friends who had watched the whole scene.

“I don’t know man. Girls, I guess.”, Blaise said, as he patted Draco´s back.

“Maybe you should get her some flowers. Every girl loves flowers.”, Pansy suggested, biting her lip to hold back laughter.

Draco nodded eagerly. Flowers. That was a great idea. Then you would finally understand that the two of you were made for each other.

“(Y/n), there is someone outside of the common room for you.”, a fourth-year Gryffindor snickered, while her friend next to her nearly burst into laughter.

You raised your eyebrows. All your friends were here and even if they weren’t, they would have just come in. And you didn’t remember planning to meet one of the students from the other houses today.

“Who is it?”

“Why don´t you go and take a look yourself?”, the girl giggled, before she disappeared with her friends in their dorm.

Your friends looked at you questionably.

“Any ideas who this is?”, Harry asked who was sitting in the wing chair towards you.

You shrugged your shoulders.

“I guess there´s only one way to find out.”

You got up from your chair and went to the entrance.

When the portrait opened, you saw red.

Literally.

In front of you stood a huge bouquet of red roses. The strange thing was, that the bouquet seemed to have some legs, one of them bouncing nervously.

“What in the name of…”, you mumbled.

Then you saw a light blond shock of hair appearing behind the flowers, as well as some silvery eyes, glancing at you full of expectation.

“No!” You shook your head. “No, no, no. No!”

“(Y/n), what is it? Who…” Hermione´s voice broke at the view of the boy in front of you.

Quickly you backed up again and wanted to slam the door behind you, but Malfoy was faster. Quickly, he got a foot in the door.

“(Y/n), please, just listen to me.”, he pleaded.

“I don’t know what you could tell me that I would be interested in, Malfoy.”, you said in a cold voice.

“But I bought you flowers.”

“Probably poisoned.”

“No, they aren’t. I swear by the name of my mother.”

Well, that meant something. But you still had no intention, to believe him. You wanted to leave, but Ron stopped you. Harry and he had stood a meter behind you, obviously enjoying the scene.

“Let the man say what he got to say.”, Ron grinned.

You sighted and turned around to Malfoy again, arms crossed.

“You got ten seconds.”

“I love you (Y/n).”, bubbled out of the boy immediately. “I truly do. I adore you with every fibre of my body. And I am truly sorry for everything I have ever done to hurt you. And I want to make it up to you. Please just give me a chance. I swear I will…” “Time´s up Malfoy.”, you interrupted him.

The boy stopped and looked at you hopefully. You stared at him with a blank face, hoping nothing in your eyes would give away the confusion that blustered inside of you when you heard his voice sounding so vulnerable.

“So what do you say? Will you give me a chance?” “I don’t know what game you play Malfoy.” The tone of your voice was calm, even though you could sense the shakiness threatening to burst out with every word you spoke. “But to play with the emotions of other people like this is just disgusting. I don’t know what you´re up to and I don’t want to know. But let me make one thing clear. I don’t love you. I never did and I never will. You make me sick. That´s the only feeling you can cause in me. And now for the love of Godric just leave, before I´ll hex you so bad that you´ll never leave the hospital wing again. And take your silly flowers with you.”

With every word you spoke your heart tightened more when you saw the look in his eyes. Every fibre of your body screamed at you that he was genuine and that you might had just broken him. But your trust in him was irreparably damaged. And that´s why you turned around and left Malfoy alone, with his flowers in his hand and tears in his eyes, wondering how he deserved the pain his love had caused.

Pansy and Blaise had been standing behind the next corner, listening to every word you had said. Even though everything had started out as a joke, now they felt sorry for their friend. When Draco walked past them, Pansy grabbed him by his arm, causing him to stop.

“Draco, what are you up to?”, she asked him, trying to make her voice sound friendly and clueless.

When Draco turned around, she was surprised to see tears swimming in his eyes. They had been friends for such a long time, still, she couldn’t remember one time he cried in front of her.

“This doesn’t make any sense anymore Pansy.”, he said.

His voice sounded so hopeless, sending shivers down the spines of his friends.

“What are you talking about?” “She doesn’t love me. She told me. And she never will.”

“But you won´t give up that easy, will you?”

Draco shrugged his shoulders.

“Doesn’t matter anymore. If she doesn’t want me, I don’t want myself anymore either. She told me to leave and so I will. I will never bother her again. Just tell her I loved her. I truly did.”

Draco continued his way.

Pansy and Blaise looked at each other, now truly concerned about their friend.

“Draco, where are you going?”, Blaise yelled.

“To the astronomy tower.”

“And what do you want there?”

“If I can´t spend the rest of my life with her it´s useless anyway. Then I don’t want to live anymore at all.”

He wanted to leave, but Blaise, was quick to walk up to his friend, wrapping an arm around his shoulder.

“Mate, you´re definitely exaggerating.”, he said, trying to give his voice a chatty tone, not showing off how much the words of his best friend frightened him.

But Draco just shook his head.

“I want a life with her or not at all.”, he said, trying to free himself of the tight grip of his friend.

“Maybe we could try to talk to her once more.”

“I tried. But she told me to leave. I´m nothing but a burden for her. And I don’t want to bother her anymore. Now let me go before I hex you.”

But Blaise refused to do so and Draco grabbed his wand.

“We gave you a love potion Draco.”, Pansy suddenly blurted out.

Draco froze. Then, slowly, he turned around, looking at her in disbelief.

“You did what?”

“We sneaked some of the Amortentia of Slughorn´s first lesson into your drink this morning. It was meant to be fun. We didn’t think it would be that… that bad.”

Draco shook his head.

“But I love her.”

“No you don’t. It´s just the potion making you think that.”

Draco thought about her words for a few moments. Then he straightened up again. His gaze was stubborn.

“And if you did, I don’t care. It only made me realize how I am really feeling for her. Nothing in this world could fake the feelings I have. I know I am truly in love with (Y/n). I belong to her. We are made for each other. But sadly,”, his voice lowered again, “she doesn’t think the same.”

“If you are so convinced by that, you won´t mind getting the antidote, will you?”, Pansy asked. “After that, you can do… whatever you think is right then.”

Draco furrowed his eyebrows. But then he shrugged his shoulders.

“Doesn’t matter now anyway, does it?”

Pansy nodded.

“That’s what I thought. Now, you will go to Professor Slughorn together with Blaise and I will follow soon. Okay.”

Draco gave his friend a short nod. Blaise patted his back.

“C´mon mate. You´ll feel better soon.”

And then their ways parted, Blaise and Draco walking to Professor Slughorn´s office, Pansy to the Gryffindor common room.

In the meantime, you let yourself fall back into your wing chair, burring your face in your hands. You weren’t exactly mad at Malfoy, more at yourself, for letting you feel so confused by his actions. And the fact that Harry and Ron couldn’t stop laughing about it, didn’t make it better.

“His face was just hilarious.”, Harry snickered.

“Bloody hell, I wish I had a camera.”, Ron laughed.

“Can you shut it for a moment?”, you hissed, not having the nerve for their jokes right now.

Ron raised his hands in defence.

“It´s just Malfoy (Y/n). Probably he is laughing his ass off right now. Don’t give him the satisfaction of making you feel like this.”

“Feel like what?”

“Guilty.”

You brushed it off. But Ron was right. You could still remember the hurt you had seen in Malfoy´s eyes when you had told him you didn’t love him. Your head was screaming at you that he was fooling you once more. But your heart told you otherwise.

“What do you think, Mione?”, you asked your best and smartest friend.

Hermione hadn’t said anything yet, just staring at you, lost in her thoughts.

“That was unusual.”, she said after long hesitation.

“Don’t you say.”

“No, I mean, I don’t think he was trying to make fun of you. I think he was honest.”

“You don’t actually think Malfoy´s in love with (Y/n)?”, Harry asked, furrowing his brows.

Hermione shook her head.

“Probably not. At least that´s not what caused this behaviour. But maybe he thinks he is.”

You stared at Hermione when suddenly Professor Slughorn's words echoed in your head again. “Powerful infatuations can be induced by the skilful potioneer.” So what if someone…

“You mean, someone smuggled love potion into his foot?”, you asked in disbelieve, feeling your heart drop at this thought.

Hermione shrugged her shoulders.

“Love potion, a powerful curse. Something like this.” She turned to Ron. “Your brothers are selling some love potions, don’t they?”

Ron shrugged his shoulders, now looking not so happy anymore.

“I think so. But mostly just create a small rapture. And it vanishes after a few hours.”

You just prayed this was also the case here. If Hermione was actually right and someone had actually poisoned Malfoy. But let alone the thought he actually had a thing for you, even if it was due to a potion and even if it was Malfoy, and you had treated him like this, made your stomach ache. No one deserved such a rude put-down. Not even him.

“I should probably go and find out.”, you sighted.

Hermione nodded in agreement.

“Do you want me to join you?”

But you shook your head.

“I think I´ll be fine. And if he wasn’t poisoned or hexed,”, you added with a fierce expression on your face, “he should better start running now before I´ll get him.”

But just as you got up, one of the other Gryffindors approached you.

“(Y/n), there´s someone waiting for you outside the common room.”

You nodded thankfully. You didn’t know whether you hoped it was Malfoy or not.

But it wasn’t Malfoy. It was Pansy Parkinson. And the look on her face made you suspect nothing good.

“What is it?”, you asked straight away, not in the mood for Smalltalk.

You could see her shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other before she said: I might messed up something.”

And on your way to Slughorn´s office, she told you everything. How she had been so tired of your constant bickering and how she thought it might be fun to mess the two of you up a little bit. How she had faked her non-well-being in class to give Blaise the chance to steal some of the Amortentia. And how they sneaked it into Malfoy´s drink this morning, not thinking it would get out of control to a point where he didn’t want to live anymore without you.

You were obviously angry at Pansy and Blaise for doing something that stupid, but also mad at yourself for not noticing the situation. But mostly you were concerned about Malfoy, hoping he got to Slughorn unharmed and hoping the Professor would be able to help him.

When you reached the office, Slughorn was already waiting for you.

“Very well, Miss (Y/l/n) and Miss Parkinson.”, Slughorn greeted you. “Mr Malfoy and Mr Zabini are already waiting for you.”

In a lower voice, he added: “Please be gentle with Mr Malfoy, Miss (Y/l/n). He is currently very unstable.”

You just nodded and Professor Slughorn let you enter the room.

Malfoy was sitting on a chair in a corner, slumped down. Blaise Zabini was standing next to him, clearly uncomfortable with the situation.

When Malfoy raised his head and saw you, his face lit up for a second, before he sank back down again.

“I´m sorry (Y/n). I didn’t know you would be here. I didn’t mean to bother you again. I´ll just leave.”

He wanted to get up, but you quickly stepped in.

“It´s alright Mal… Draco.”, you said, forcing yourself to smile. “You don’t have to leave.” But this didn’t seem to comfort him.

“You don’t have to be so nice to me. I know you are a gentle person, but you don’t have to lie to me. I don’t deserve your compassion.”

But he had it. You felt terribly sorry for the boy in front of you, looking so broken because of you. No. This wasn’t because of you. This was because of Parkinson and Zabini.

“I didn’t lie Draco. I mean it. I want you to stay. Pansy had told me what happened. I´m not mad at you. I want to help you.”

Slowly, Malfoy looked up to you. You could see a small spark of hope glimmering in his eyes again.

“But you hate me.” “I don’t hate you. I just don’t like you very much. I mean I didn’t.”, you were quick to say when his face fell once more. “I didn’t like the things you did to me and my friends. But I think we might deserve a second chance, don’t we?”

Draco nodded eagerly.

“Anything you want (Y/n). I promise I´ll try my best to make it better this time.”

Even though you knew it was just the potion speaking and not him, you couldn’t help the warmth that flushed over you at his words.

“I think it might be a good first step to let Professor Slughorn help you with this… situation, don’t you think?”

Draco was quick to agree. You smiled smugly, but when you turned around to the Professor and saw his face, you immediately knew something was wrong.

“I´m afraid it won´t be that simple.”, he said. “Normally the antidote of a love potion is a hate potion. But due to the fact that all those Weasley love potions had been smuggled into the school, I´m out of those.”

You sighted.

“And how long will it take until you brew some new?”

“This takes some time. I have already started to brew some a few days ago, but it won´t be finished until next week.”

You looked at him in disbelief.

“Next week?”, you echoed, leaning to the wall next to you.

“Oh but no need to worry. The effect of the potion won't last that long. It will start to vanish very soon. Until the antidote is ready, Mr Malfoy will be himself again without any help. Right now, his obsession with you is very strong and controls everything he is doing, but it will start to fade within a few hours. Then he will still think he is in love with you but will be able to control his behaviour again.”

You sighted. Only a few more hours. You could do this. Just separate yourself from him and wait.

“He shouldn’t be left alone until, well at least tomorrow. And since it is the fault of the two of you he is like this”, he said, now addressing Parkinson and Zabini, “I assume you will take care of him in this time. I will think about what I will do with you after this. Stealing such a dangerous potion after I just warned you. I am very disappointed in you!”

The two students looked quite rueful, mumbling an excuse.

“Now off you go. And take care of your friend. If something feels strange, just get back to me.”

Blaise nudged Draco, so he would get up since he didn’t listen to the words of the Professor, busy with admiring you standing here, in the same room, looking so effortlessly beautiful and forgiving him for everything he had done in the last few hours. Oh boy, he loved you even more for this.

Before you left, you addressed Professor Slughorn once more.

“Professor, how long will it take maximally until he is normal again?”, you asked.

Professor Slughorn looked at you pitiful.

“It depends on the attraction of the target of desire and the relationship between the two of you. I think he will be mostly fine again tomorrow. The latest the day after. If any feelings are left then, you can tell me after our lesson. Then I will check him once more.”

You nodded and smiled thankfully.

“Thank you, Professor.”

Draco and his friends were already waiting for you outside. Everyone looked at you, quite overstrained with the situation. You cleared your throat.

“Well, I think I´ll leave now. If something is wrong, you know where to find me.”

But just as you were about to turn around, Draco spoke up again.

“(Y/n), wait.”

You took a deep breath and stopped.

“What is it Draco?”

“You said you wanted to give me a second chance, didn’t you?”

You cursed yourself for saying that earlier.

“I think so?”

“Well, maybe we could spend some time together then. To get to know each other, you know?”

Draco threw you a shy smile, making your heart beating faster.

“I´m not sure if this is a good idea…”

“But I do. I know I actually love you (Y/n). I don’t care what the others say. It´s not that stupid potion. I just know it. Please give me a chance. I´m begging you.”

You sighted. But maybe it was better to stay with him for some time. Just as long as he had calmed down again and wouldn’t do something stupid. Well, as long as you wouldn’t say something stupid.

“I still have some homework to do. We can meet in the library in half an hour if you want to.”

Draco nodded eagerly.

“I would love to. This is going to be great!”

You highly doubted this but smiled anyway. After you said goodbye to the three friends, you went back to the common room, to grab your books.

Half an hour later, you were at the library. You had quickly told your friends what had happened, earning some laughter from Harry and Ron, and some disapproval from Hermione about Pansy´s and Blaise´s behaviour. You had made them promise that they wouldn’t follow you, since you suspected this “date” would be awkward enough without your best friends laughing behind your back. Hermione had promised you, she would take care of the boys while you were gone.

Now you saw Draco already waiting for you, some books in his hand, waving at you in excitement.

“Hey (Y/n)!”, he yelled, making some students turn around, confused by his friendly tone and the bright smile on his face since everyone knew how much you hated each other.

But you just ignored them and returned his smile.

“Hey Draco. Ready?”

“For you? Any time?”

He smiled stupidly, making you laugh.

“Let´s go then.”

Studying wasn’t that easy when you had someone watching you the entire time. Because that´s what Draco did. Instead of doing his homework, he had placed his arms on a book on the table and laid his head upon them, looking at you in admiration. The only thing he had been helpful with was your potion essay since Draco was actually way better in this class than you. But then he fell back into his state of staring at you. At some point you gave up, trying to learn anything, while you felt his grey eyes lingering on you and started a conversation with him. When Draco started to relax it was -apart from many cheesy compliments- actually quite fun to talk to him.

And when the library closed and it was time for dinner, you found yourself being a little bit sad that the time with him was over already. But you thrusted this thought aside. Tomorrow, Draco would hate you again and everything would be back to normal. It was better if you wouldn’t start to enjoy the time with him at all than missing it in the future.

When you said goodbye, Draco smiled at you sweetly.

“You aren’t that bad you know? For a Gryffindor I mean.”

You couldn’t help but laugh genuinely. This was the first mean comment he had made since the whole thing started. And Godric, you had missed it.

“I like you way better like that, you know that Malfoy?”, you smiled.

His cheeks flushed.

“If I would have known that I wouldn’t have bought you flowers.”, he mumbled.

He raised his hand to brush a loose strand of hair behind your ear, before leaning in for a kiss, but you quickly took a step back, leaving him embarrassed.

“Love potion, you remember?”, you said, trying to keep your face from heating up.

Draco nodded. Then a cocky grin appeared on his face.

“Wait, does that mean you would have kissed me if it wasn’t for the potion?”

Now your face definitely reddened.

“Keep on dreaming Malfoy.”, you grumbled.

“Oh I will (Y/l/n)”, he laughed.

“Well, see you tomorrow I guess.”

“Yeah, see you.”, he smiled. “And (Y/n)?”

“Yeah?”

“I´ll still love you then, no matter if the potion will still be working or not.”

You threw him a small smile.

“We´ll see about that.”

“What do you think? Does he still think he´s in love with you?”, Ron asked for the hundredth time this morning, making the knot in your stomach only tighten.

“I don’t know Ronald.”, you hissed.

You had slept badly that night, Draco´s last words still echoing inside your head. You didn’t even know why you were thinking so much about it. By now, the effect of the potion had most likely disappeared and you would go back to normal. Or at least you would try to.

“But you will find out soon.”, Hermione said, when she saw Draco standing in front of the Great Hall, looking around as if he was looking for something. Or someone.

“I think I´ll…”

You made an ungainly gesture into his direction. Your friends grinned.

“Have fun with your boyfriend.”, Harry grinned.

You just rolled your eyes, ignoring his comment, before you left your friends and headed towards Draco.

When he saw you walking to him, Draco´s face lit up. You could see it from a few meters away, even though he tried to hide it.

“Hey.”, you said, smiling carefully, slightly scared of his reaction.

“Hey.”, he smiled back, his cheeks flushing.

“So… how are you?”, you asked.

“You mean if I am still in love with you?”

You nodded.

“I´m afraid I am. Seems like this stupid potion is still working.”, he mumbled.

You raised your eyebrows in surprise.

“So you think it´s the potion now as well?”

Draco just shrugged his shoulders.

“I mean it has to be, doesn’t it? We never got along and the fact that I suddenly feel like this for you…”

He didn’t dare to look into your eyes and looked at his shoes instead. You didn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed at his reaction. A part of you was glad he had finally realized his feelings for you weren’t real, but there was a small voice in the back of your head telling you that you wouldn’t have minded if all of this had happened for another reason. But you brushed it off.

“Well, at least you sound more like yourself again.”, you tried to cheer him up.

Draco scoffed.

“Not like a love drunk idiot anymore?”

You couldn’t help but laugh.

“Something like this.”

Draco looked at you with an unknown intensity in his eyes.

“Your laugh is still beautiful, you know that? I´m wondering how I could ever not see this.”

You couldn’t help but bush.

“Seems like the effect hasn’t totally vanished yet.”

“Maybe I don’t want it to.”

“Why so you could follow me around like a puppy, not capable of controlling your emotions?”

“No, so I can be around you without you telling me how much you hate me.”

You swallowed hard.

“I don’t hate you Draco. I never did. We just never got along that well.”

“Well, I wish we would have. Then it may not have taken a potion to make me realize how I feel for you.”

“Maybe we should talk about it when you´re not under the influence of said potion anymore.”

“Why? Because you´re scared that I might do something stupid if you tell me now how you really feel? That you don’t like me the way I like you?”

And for the first time in your life, you didn’t know what to say to Draco Malfoy.

For the rest of the day, it felt like Draco had some strong mood swings, his real personality fought against the effect of the potion. At one moment he made some cocky remarks, making you think he was normal again, but in the next moment, he looked as if he wanted to kiss you right away, assuring you, that his feelings for you would never change.

But five minutes later, they did.

“Honestly, this is worse than any roller coaster.”, you sighted, when you finally gathered around the fireplace in the Gryffindor common room with your friends in the evening.

“I think it´s kinda adorable.”, Ginny said, with a small grin on her lips. “I think you two would actually make a great couple. Maybe we should mix both of some potion into your cereals every morning.”

Harry laughed at her comment.

“I think maybe we don´t even have to.”, Hermione responded, smiling as well.

You raised an eyebrow.

“What are you trying to say, Mione?”

“I´m just saying that the effect of the potion has by now nearly vanished, but Malfoy is still all over you. And you didn’t consume any potion at all and you´re still nice to him.”

“I can´t risk him doing something stupid just because I have been mean to him, can I?”, you scoffed.

Hermione shrugged her shoulders.

“By now I don’t think he would anymore. At least not because of the potion. When you talked to him after dinner, you two looked perfectly normal.”

Even though you hated to admit it, Hermione was right. If you wouldn’t know how Draco was before he had consumed the potion, you would by now just think he was truly into you. He was still nervous around you, making you some compliments, but just as many sharp comments. You felt comfortable around this version of Draco Malfoy. The one who was nice to you, but still able to keep up with your sense of humour. You wouldn’t have been able to stand him as this foolish hopeless romantic boy he had been yesterday, but the version of him that smiled proudly when he realised his sarcastic comment had made you laugh, made your heart somehow beat faster.

“Don’t tell me you started liking him (Y/n).”, Harry said teasingly.

But soon he realized, that his comment might have not been that wrong.

“I don’t like him. Not at all. It´s just… It´s all so confusing.”, you tried to explain. “But Professor Slughorn had told me that the effect will be gone completely by tomorrow.”

“And if it doesn’t?”, Hermione asked.

“Then he told me to reach out for him once more.” “No, you got me wrong (Y/n). What if this isn’t about the potion anymore?”

“Don’t be foolish Mione. Of course, this is about the potion!”, you snapped.

But the thought of Draco actually liking you in the long run as well, made your heartbeat fasten.

The next time you saw Draco was shortly before potion class started. He was already sitting at his place, fiddling at some of his belongings.

You took a deep breath, trying to prevent your hands from shaking, before walking up to him.

“Draco?”

The boy in front of you froze. Slowly, he looked up at you.

“How is it?”, you asked.

But Draco just looked into your eyes, completely mesmerized.

“Draco?”

“Mhh?”

“How do you feel?”

Draco shrugged his shoulders.

“Don’t know.”

“How can you not know?”, you asked confused.

“Damn it, I´m not sure (Y/n)!”, he snapped back, clearly tensed.

But then he sighted and leant back in his chair.

“I… When I woke up this morning I thought it would be better but when I just saw you… It´s probably not normal that I still think you´re the most perfect human being, is it?”

You could feel a single butterfly in your stomach area, carefully spreading his wings, flapping one or two times.

“Probably not.”, you mumbled. “We should ask Professor Slughorn about it after the lesson.” “We better do. I don’t want those stupid feelings affecting me any longer.”, he grumbled.

After the lesson, you waited until most of the students had already left the classroom. Then you went to Professor Slughorn, Draco following you, secretly admiring your light walk.

“Professor?”

“Ahh, Miss (Y/l/n). Mr Malfoy, how are we feeling today?”

Draco just shrugged his shoulders, refusing to answer.

“I´m afraid the repercussion of the potion is still visible.”, you explained to the Professor.

Slughorn nodded.

“Well, well, dear boy. Tell me what you´re feeling. What is different than before?”

Draco hesitated for a moment, before he answered.

“I… I´m not sure. It´s not that bad anymore, but I still have… feelings.” He pronounced the word like a sickness. “(Y/n) and I were never exactly close but now… I can´t stop thinking about her. I mean I know it´s just because of the potion, but I feel this strong urge to be with her all the time.”

Draco´s voice was low as if he was embarrassed by what he had just said. You could feel the little butterfly in your stomach now fluttering around, exploring more and more of the room inside your torso.

“Do you still think you love her?”, Professor Slughorn asked.

Draco slowly nodded.

“Very well, let´s see.”

Professor Slughorn raised his wand, mumbling some incomprehensible words, but nothing happened.

After one or two minutes, he stopped, nodding knowingly, while a small smile spread across his face.

“My dear boy, I´m afraid I won´t be able to help you with that.”

“What? Why? You are the potions master. You are a teacher. You are supposed to help me.” Draco´s voice sounded harsh, yet also desperate.

“This has nothing to do with the potion anymore.”, Professor Slughorn explained. “Its effect vanished hours ago. There are no unusual traces of magic to find on you.”

“That is impossible. I can still feel it. Do it again!”, Draco demanded.

You could hear the panic in his voice. You, on the other hand, were just standing still, your thoughts were racing. A second butterfly joined the first one. Slughorn put his wand back into his pocket and smiled at Draco patiently.

“There is nothing to do anymore Mr Malfoy. If you say you love our lovely Miss (Y/l/n) here, then I have to tell you those feelings are coming from nothing else but yourself. You simply fell in love.”

The Professor chuckled as he saw the shock clearly written on your faces.

“I think my job here is done. I might as well leave you alone.”

“Thank you, Professor.”, you mumbled, when Slughorn left the room, unable to tear your gaze apart from the boy in front of you, whose eyes were still fixed on the point the potion master had been standing.

For a few minutes, neither of you said a word. Then, Draco cleared his throat.

“That has to mean nothing. Probably only some aftermath. Just like you said.”

You nodded.

“Just like I said.”

Slowly, Draco turned around and locked your gaze with his. You could see the insecurity shimmering in his eyes.

“I still hate you, just like I did before. I was just tricked into loving you.”

“You hate me just as much as I hate you.”, you agreed.

Draco stepped closer until the tips of his feet nearly touched yours and you could feel his hot breath on your face.

“I´m just confused. Because you had been so nice to me lately.”

“So am I.”

You looked into each other’s eyes, completely hypnotized. Draco raised his hand and gently brushed over your lips with his thumb.

“There is no way I actually want to kiss you.”

“There is no way I would let you.”, you whispered under your breath.

His lips brushed against yours.

“We will never be anything but enemies.”

“Obviously.”

And then he pressed his soft lips on yours, cupping your cheeks with his big hands, while you returned the kiss, wrapping your arms around his neck. An entire army of butterflies was now set free in your body, flapping in excitement, making your whole body tingle.

You didn’t know how long you were standing there, embracing each other, but when you finally pulled away again, your lips were swollen and your breath heavy.

“You have no idea how long I wanted to do this.”, Draco mumbled against your lips.

“Since your friends sneaked some love potion into your drink?”, you suggested, making Draco chuckle.

“Maybe. But maybe even longer.”

You hummed in agreement, brushing with your fingers through his soft hair.

“I think I might actually love you.”, Draco whispered, still caressing your face with his hands.

“What about nothing but enemies?”, you teased.

“Oh, we still are (Y/l/n). But that doesn’t mean I can´t be madly in love with you, can it?”

You furrowed your brows, acting as if you had to think about it for a second.

“I don’t know Malfoy, can it?”

“I could also send you a bouquet of roses once more if you need proof…”

“Don’t you dare.”, you laughed. “You´ll need another way to convince me, I guess.”

As a response, Draco pulled you close once more, his kiss this time even softer than the last one.

“Convinced.”, you smiled, when you pulled away again.

“Maybe Slughorn was right.”, Draco said. “Maybe love is the most powerful feeling in the world.”

“Didn’t take you for a softie.”

“I´m not.”, Draco said, sounding slightly offended.

You laughed.

“Even if you were; I love you just the way you are.”

Draco raised an eyebrow.

“You love me?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Don’t you say.”

“Oh just shut it.”

“Well, make me Malfoy.”

Taglist: @xodracomalfoyxo @marigold-morelli @writingwitch007

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thedisablednaturalist · 6 months

Text

My parents found out about the present I bought myself for my birthday. I worked my max hours to afford it. I had it shipped to my bfs house so they wouldn't see it. Apparently I missed a receipt that was hidden in the box. Idk how they got it anyway cause I put the box out with the trash/recycling. My mom was being so cruel about it and how I keep buying myself "lavish" gifts (most stuff I buy for fun is like $10-$50 max). I always plan my purchases and have never missed a credit card payment. Most of my money goes towards doctors visits, medication, car maintenance and gas, accessibility items/ergonomic stuff, cat food and litter, and hygiene. Recently I stopped most of my subscriptions save for a cheap minecraft server. The bulk of my pay goes into savings which have really grown since I got my raise. I also give my parents $400 in rent each month. I'm trying to save up for a recliner to replace my bed but I don't want to use the money I've already put away.

Like ok, maybe I'm not mr.frugal. maybe i sometimes buy more expensive things because they're more convenient (like already cut vegetables/fruit or preprepared meals) but like my hands fucking hurt and sometimes I don't have the spoons to feed myself. Maybe I fall prey to impulse purchases once in a while. Im learning and I'm trying to learn how to budget bc now I have to also pay for insurance until I can get on medicaid.

My mom acts like I don't care. She sees amazon packages come for me and think theyre all toys or expensive skincare or junk when its actually body wipes for when I cant shower/so i dont come back from the field to the office all stinky. Its a trash can I can keep on my bedshelf so I dont throw trash onto the floor instead. Its knee braces because my knees fucking suck. Once in a while Ill see something on sale that ive been wanting for a while and will grab it. And the most expensive skincare I use is $20 for a jar that lasts me 3 months. I have to keep my skin clear or ill pick and have scabs and blood all over my face again. I spend money on drag because it MAKES me money. Last time I got paid $100 from the venue and $50 in tips. One time I got paid $300 from the venue (i dont remember how much in tips).

Im trying my best. Im working with 3 government agencies rn to get a job and get health coverage. Im working my ass off at my job when i probably shouldnt be working (my mom laughed when I mentioned this). I'm constantly doing things to earn me money or to make life a bit less painful. Even streaming is a desperate attempt to make a career/side gig out of something I enjoy and doesn't make me flare up. I only watch shows when im with my bf or when im doing chores or working. I rarely play video games. When I flare I lay in bed and scroll Tumblr or play a mindless dress up game where I only have to move my thumb. I cry almost everyday. I cry on the way to work. I cry holding my cat in so much pain i cant move.

The only big frivilous purchases I've made is the present and a new graphics card (I haven't replaced my old one in a decade). The present cost $230 and the graphics card cost $800. Both of these I saved for. I might buy a nice skirt once in a while but thats pretty much it. I also spread out big purchases over time when I can.

Am I spoiled? Maybe. Maybe my parents are right and I'm a lazy spoiled kid who just makes excuses. But my pain is real, constant, and severe.

I have friends who's birthday presents consist of trips to fucking italy or the bahamas. Who complain when their parents drag them on yet another international vacation. Some are amazing people who are grateful and work their asses off. And some of them are a bit entitled. My mom said most 26 year olds are living on their own with jobs and I fucking laughed. The only 26 year olds with their own apartments especially in my area either have 5 roommates in a 2 bedroom shithole, got lucky and have a high paying tech job, their parents pulled strings to get them hired, or their parents are paying partly or fully for their apartment.

And when i tried to find an apartment? She discouraged me and told me id never be able to afford one (correct) but now im suddenly able to when it suits her argument? Ive been heavily job hunting for over a year and got ONE interview who ghosted me after two interviews. I make $2k MAX. Rent in my area is $1700-2500 for a freaking studio. The $1700 one doesn't let you see the apartment and gets snapped up immediately. And these are all apartments within a 2 hour radius. All the "affordable housing" is for people 55 and older.

Like I literally have no options. I can't move until I get a job in that area. I can't leave the country cause Im disabled and also thats fucking expensive. My bf makes less than me and even combined we couldn't afford a place.

Literally, I've never been suicidal before. Ive never struggled with that due to my fear of death. But all of this? Ive recently had suicidal thoughts and its fucking scary. Thoughts that killing myself would make it easier for everyone else. That it would be easier to just end it, that life will always be a living hell and i should just give up. And thats fucking scary! I shouldn't have those thoughts! But that's how bad it is.

I try to do what my therapist told me. I try to set boundaries. But setting a boundary means not eating dinner bc I leave when my parents yell at me. I try to think positively and ignore the pain. I probably walk an average of 1-2 miles a day. I try and try and try and it hurts so much. They can't be proud of me? For even big victories? Guilting me about graduation cause I took too long. Keeping a job for more than a year (its not a REAL job cause its hourly and doesnt have benefits).

Like what's the point? I've been fighting and fighting and most of the world wants to see me dead and gone anyway. I'm trying to work in a field that doesn't even consider people like me. If I cant work Ill just bring my boyfriend and my family down. Every step forward I manage to take I get dragged back 10.

Im so tired and ashamed and stressed and my fucking body hurts worse now because of the stress and i just dont want to wake up tomorrow.

#wrenfea.vent

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queer-advice-hotline · 3 months

Note

Hi 😅 I hope this is okay to ask, I’ll try to be brief but will probably fail at that. Basically I’ve been raised in a Christian household, very conservative too. But I met a far more liberal Christian friend and over time .. sort of am to the point I think I might be left-leaning too (definitely more than my family). This scares me. I don’t want to disappoint my family by being liberal …

She also recently talked to me about evolution which I was never taught about, the most I learned was reading a single textbook that talked about it around college. And … it all makes sense. I even went to the religious science site my dad says proves evolution is false and I can’t find any actual proof evolution is false. Everything is evidence to the contrary and .. I’ve listened to videos about experiments where cells clump together and start getting more complex and it’s honestly so exciting? That’s so cool? But … I can’t help but think of how disappointed my family will be about this, too …

But the worst part .. I’ve been holding off on looking into LGBT stuff because I don’t know what I’ll find. I’ve never had a crush on an actual guy (I’m a girl), even though easily over 20 guys have expressed interest in the past, some just said I was hot and kind of asked me out, others expressed wanting to marry me. I’ve never dated, ever. I only like fictional characters really, and the only strong connection has been literally 12 years of loving a character. My affection for him went into full force when I empathized with him, but I’m also autistic and he’s my special interest, so idk how that factors into it. Some of my friends say I’m demi, but I’ve insisted I’m straight and I’m just picky. I don’t know if I am. I also … have met or been friends with three girls over the years, or presumably girls, that I know I wanted to spend time with or get to know, I’d be nervous around (but I also have anxiety ..) or still think about sometimes. But I don’t think I’d want to have sex with a girl … idk, it’s really confusing because my mom always told me people think they’re LGBT because of wounds, and I definitely have been wounded in the past. But I also … I just don’t feel attracted to most people … but I also can find any person attractive or pretty? I just don’t necessarily want to do anything with them? Like recently I saw a video game character who I felt very Eh about, like he’s pretty I guess, until I learned he has trauma and now he seems more appealing because I empathize with him.

But … I don’t know what to do. My faith is extremely important to me and I know I have to have some sort of spirituality no matter what. But I just … I just can’t be LGBT. It’ll destroy my family and I might not have a place to live if I decide I am. Especially if I got a partner like that. I don’t know … I know I’m already such a disappointment for disagreeing politically and .. probably believing in evolution, and now I need to look into LGBT stuff because I need to know if what I’ve been taught is wrong, but I’m so, so, so scared. I can’t … be this. I just can’t. I don’t know if I am.

I’m sorry, this was kind of a vent and I’m sorry if any language is poorly-worded. I’m living in a constant state of anxiety right now so I am probably saying things wrong and I apologize. I just don’t know what to do. If you read this, thank you - and I hope you have a good day.

I think coming to terms with your identity may help you, even if you don't tell anyone. Your family doesn't have to know until you're ready to tell them, or they never even have to know at all.

It's important to remember that you don't need to rush into anything either. This is a pretty big change from what you described as your lifestyle, so it makes sense that you are having a lot of feelings of anxiety over this. Rushing into a new identity won't help you, especially if you aren't ready for it.

As for you religion, you can be religious and lgbtq, there are plenty of quuer people who are religious, and talking with some of hem might help you. They could give you advice on your family and you identity. Any religious quuer people feel free to reply to this with advice.

#queer advice hotline #1-800-queer #advice calls #sexuality calls #romantic orientation calls #long distance calls #queer #religion

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theboytatu · 10 months

Note

I'm curious, do you think baekhyun was shading anyone when he said 'don't make too many celeb friends' as advice on star diary the other day? i thought he just meant like in general but i'm seeing lots of speculations it could be taehyung or ravi shade and idk?

baekhyun never says anything without 100% having an agenda behind it. like right off the bat I want you to know that - as a baekhyun stan - he is completely aware of the way his fans take every word he says and cling on to it and he is also aware that the deeper meaning behind what he says will be probably analyzed by most fans. out of every member he's the one that most often uses that power to set a public narrative/turn an opinion around/do damage control/speak on another public matter he very well can't do explicitly. working in pr and stanning baekhyun is a full time job cause most times i am left reeling thinking about why he said it and how he intended that to work over his audience lol.

anyway all that prelude is to say yes I think when baekhyun said "don't make too many celebrity friends" he was shading the industry but not targeting one idol specifically. I think he did it for two reasons: the main explicit message and the subtextual hidden one.

my guess is the main explicit one is obvious which is: he gave a 16 year old idol who has just started out her career a very wise and common sense piece of advice she actually really needs to remember if she wants to make it in this industry for the long run. I think it came out of a genuine place of caring because people will try to get to you in order to further their own agendas. and since being predatory towards young female idols is so prevalent that advice is twice as important for eunchae

my guess for the subtext hidden message in his very pointed comment probably has to do with a) the way sm mediaplay has been trying to smear exo's image since the lawsuit and how most if not all celeb friends who appear to be close to them didn't lift a finger to defend them, b) the whole bts book bullshit and armys once again jumping to talk shit about exo when no names were dropped - if you remember I already talked about how bts and exo were actually friendly back in the day until bts decided to capitalize on the self victimizing narrative and let their fandom paint exo and other idols as their bullies, and c) to a less probable extent kai's enlistment and the whole ravi thing. i'm less convinced on this last point because we simply can't know how much ravi's situation influenced kai's plus they haven't been as close as the fans want to think they were years ago. kai has said multiple times his only idol friend outside exo is taemin as recently as two months ago so i don't really buy that even though exols seem to think baekhyun was 100% shading ravi which imo is dumb and doesn't really do anything for kai.

but to the people saying it's not that deep or that baekhyun didn't mean anything by it I can tell you right now. baekhyun always always means something by what he says and everything he says is intentional because he's a messy bitch who loves drama but also because he's almost uncomfortably good at shaping his fandom's opinion/view of things

#asks

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grilledkatniss · 5 months

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Okay so I'm just now catching up on whatever this "why is she shading Joe if she's happy in her new relationship omg" and the comparisons with Lover's I Forgot That You Existed's reactions of "why would she feel the need to come after Calvin if she's in a happy relationship omg" and...

Alright, listen. Here's my super fresh out the over hot take: have we forgotten who we're talking about? Melancolia, and digging up the grave another time, and never leaving well enough alone, and remembering it all too well, and looking back, and recalling now, and seeing it all now that it's gone, and wishing she'd realized what she had, and the whole ass concept of midnights is her dealing with the past and coming to terms with the series of events (happy or unfortunate) that led up to where she is now. It's her coping and doing that hindsight is 20/20, introspective psychoanalytic revisiting of the past, a terribly underappreciated skill characteristic to someone who's very emotionally intelligent. She's like an Olympic Gymnast in emotional maturity and intelligence at this point, and as such she never stops training and practicing -as in, she never stops reminiscing and taking apart what was and isn't anymore, like someone who's trying to figure out what didn't work out, what was the last straw, where were the signs she missed, what should've gone differently, how they could have fixed things, etc etc- It's her niche, her field of expertise and trade mark. Why is it becoming an issue now? Like, our capacity for empathy is super selective, honestly.

Also, now knowing how long it'd been shelved, there's a new bigger book of itemized speculations from the public, many of which will hardly ever get any sign of official recognition, much less one of direct confirmation.

It was probably one of those songs that was meant to be just for her and never released, or that didn't fit any album yet. Hell, it was probably what nudged her into starting a whole new album after an entire year of putting out rerecordings. Maybe she was already well underway designing the concept for the album, maybe the concept was already set, maybe this one at the moment fit said concept and was a call back to another sleepless night that could've taken place at any point in her life, be that recent past or decades ago past, current relationship's past struggles, ancient relationship ponderings.. you know what I mean? She's not doing anything out of what we've learn to expect from her throughout her career but more specifically when it comes to her latest studio album, which literally, as the well established and expressively stated core concept foretells, is an exploration of a lifetime of insomnia inducing ruminations.

[That being said, at the beginning of the year she did spend quite a lot of time flying back and from NYC's Electric Lady Studios (but I actually think she was most likely working on the rerecording of Speak Now and 1989) so there's that on the table.]

But at the end of the day these are people we don't know personally, and unless Joe decides to write a memoir (highly improbable), write another few songs but on his own and make them public, or write/direct a piece in the audiovisual department that specifically addresses the end of a long and very scrutinized relationship, idk something of the like, we might never know his side of the story. Taylor has this very public outlet and a huge platform whereas Joe doesn't beyond his sporadic Instagram photo dumps every once in a while.

Anyway, I don't think her puting an already published song now out on Spotify is a dig. She probably knew this assumption was inevitable and by now super predictive, cause this type of speculation has happened with literally every single one of her songs. She simply decided not to shield away from the scrutiny that was to come regardless and not let the public frenzy censor her anymore. People were gonna think the worst either way, make up theories and demonize her and the intentions they imagine she had for putting out a song about her own life.

I also think she learned from the experience of the re-releases that now she doesn't have to limit her self expression to appease absolutely anyone other than herself. She doesn't have to keep the men in suits with the big pockets happy to get where she wants to go. The rerecordings are a passion project of hers, where the fans' impressions and opinions haven't weighed too much in the making of. Yet, the relentless encouragement she's received from said fans, along with the praise from the media as an after the fact result (which could have never been taken for granted since none of them were counting on it getting any sustancial pay off, keeping in mind an enterprise like that hadn't had that much commercial success in previous attempts by several other artists... which is exactly why she was doing it more for herself and her own personal moral and legal gain) have helped in getting her out of her head about releasing discarded projects. You know, stuff that for some reason or another had to be cut from the final more polished official version of the end product. And it reassured her in the fact that, in the position she's in, at least today, whatever she releases will most likely not bomb commercially. Also, as an added bonus, not only does she get to get things off her chest and speak her truth, but revel in the knowledge that it feeds both the media and her own fanbase with content she knows it's desperately being sought after and craved for, not out of necessity but out of greed for anything resembling an inside look into her up till very recently pretty much kept under wraps and extremely undisclosed private life. Yes, even if it's calculated, cause it's a taste of the type of flaunting and overexposing she was known for during the 1989 era, where everyone and everything clung to her for clout.

What was my point? Something along the lines of be thankful for the dashboard food she's providing us with, but also be nice??? Be more aware of the bigger picture and the inner workings behind the decision of putting out a previously shelved song??? And be empathetic??? It's not that hard??

And, sidenote: in case it was so -that she's still harboring some type of feelings towards Joe (anger, resentment, sadness, longing, etc)-, she's completely entitled to feel any which way she might deem appropriate in regards to her own life, her own relationships and situations, and act and react upon them accordingly. We, however, are NOT entitled to any answer whatsoever. All tidbits, drops of tea and crumbs of scones are hers to disclose if so she chooses and at will, not ours to demand.

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breoasis · 3 months

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hii i love your ocs they look amazing could you tell us more about them?

hihi if this is about the new sketches i just made then there's so much i could tell you about them and at the same time so little things to talk about..... but let's go you're in here for a ride this is gonna be long

So those ocs are from left to right: Eli, Gala, Gavriel and Loreto, all belonging to the same universe, but i've had them for so long that their stories and world building and everything has changed so many times that nothing about them makes sense really (and i'm considering changing everything again to be less fantasy,, maybe, idk). Let me tell you about each one of those in order now under the cut:

> Eli: full name Elijah but i'm considering changing it to Elías because i don't want any of my ocs to have an english name anymore. This one is my favorite of favorites, he is my babygirl and my wet piece of gargabe of a son <3 He's the main character of my oc world and any other oc i have revolves around him somehow. The thing about this guy is that he transforms into a dragon and this only makes sense because i made him when i was 13 (and i am 24 now), so please bear with me... i was an early teen and that was the coolest thing to me at the time... anyway everything about him, from his story to his appearance, has changed multiple times but i kept that trait (the dragon thing) because i think it's funny but it also makes me cringe every time i have to say it. Also he's my pfp. Sadly the only thing i can tell you rn about this guy's story is that he's been travelling and surviving on his own for -reasons- and meeting new people through his travels, nothing specific because, again, i might change everything

> Gala: probably the most recent one out of these four, still from 2017-ish so she's been around the block for quite a while already. She's one of the only who's story probably stayed the same through all these years. She's the daughter of a duchess who rules/controls over a region and its people, so high class, rich and likes to show it. She has an older brother who was one of my favorite ocs for a while. In relation to the oc stories, Eli had to work for her family for some time and they grew close together, even though he was there to just do chores around the house. Gala doesn't have any friends due to her position and appreciates the company of someone her age even if it's a house worker and lower class. She's just a plain human tho, nothing fantasy or magical about her.

> Gavriel: or Gav/Gavi for short. I made this guy around 2016 for a roleplay group thingy and eventually, when that thing ended, i threw him into the pit that is this oc universe because i liked his design. He and Loreto (girl on his right) are both orphans and grew together as siblings. He had some weird "powers" i don't know how to describe without a doodle for you to get an image of it, but the origin of those has changed so many times already i don't even remember most of it. In older iterations of his story he had been experimented on and that's kind of how he got it i think?? his sister thought the experiment was gonna be good for him but it just fucked him up (i know this makes no sense i'm very sorry)

> Loreto: the older out of ALL of my current ocs, the first drawing i made of her was in 2011/2012 i believe, she belonged to another oc universe, looked far different and had another name, but i rescued her for this one because, again, i liked her design. She's around 15 years older than Gav and used to be like the mayor? of a town? She was more of a villain without meaning it really, that's the only backstory thing i remember about her right now, sorry. Also, she's missing half an arm and sometimes uses a mechanical arm as a substitute but it obviously doesn't work the same as a real arm. Gav braids her hair every morning since she can't do it by herself.

#breoasis textpost #breocs

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steppenwolfofslytherinhouse · 4 months

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Rebirth

Can a person with Heavenly Restriction really die?

Toji x reader (eventually lol)

Warnings:none for this part?

notes: reader has a name (I always give my characters names idk y/n just doesn't fit),AU kind of?,slow burn if I get to actually writing this whole thing,basically an attempt to get back into writing,my brain is rotting.

(if there should be any more notes/warnings,pls let me know!)

-We need to get our hands on that book asap.

-You actually think...

-I don't think anything,Jason,the problem is I don't know.None of us do.So we need to he digging under every possible stone.

Toji kept quiet for now,listening to this exchange.

He thought to himself once again how...normal both of them were taking it.Like your regular issue at work or something.Hey,photocopier broke again.Yeah,I got it.

There was nothing regular about this situation.

...Not in the least.

It's been over a week now that Toji showed up uninvited at their-well,her,he supposed-apartment.And "showed up uninvited" was putting it very,very mildly.

He was dead.He KNEW he had died.Twice.He remembered the second time as clearly as the first.No question about it,he was dead dead.And yet somehow he doubted this was his afterlife.

-...Toji?How about it?

He realized he'd been spacing out as her voice brought him back.Her piercing light-brown eyes were studying his face.Always studying.Like she was trying to X-ray his mind.Somehow,he didn't find it disconcerting.Not anymore.

-Sorry, what was that?

-I was asking if any of those,um...jujutsu sorcerers I believe you said?,-she watched him nod,then went on.-Is it possible any of them possess the power to do this to you?Throw you all the way to another universe?,-her voice was calm.As it always seemed to be.

Toji took a moment to think about it carefully.Nothing was impossible,he assumed.The question then begged itself who and WHY would they do it.Toji had manu enemies,true,but where was the vengeance in basically giving him another life in another world?It made no sense.Especially considering this world seemed to have neither jujutsu sorcerers nor Curses at all.

Although...it didn't lack its own "perks".

He'd learned Jason was a vampire barely a day into his new life here.A vampire.He was skeptical at first but there was something about Jason so...visibly non-human that anyone with sharp eyes and senses would start asking questions.

Then there was her.Airin.

At a first glance,she seemed like a regular human.And physically,she was.It was her personality that sometimes left one speechless and bewildered.

Ten minutes into discovering an unknown man in her living room,she was asking him if he remembered where he was when he died.She asked him what year did he think it was,listened to his answer,then reported calmly to him that he had skipped almost twenty years ahead.The following day was the day he saw most of her.After that,she was barely around or if she was,her nose was constantly buried in this or that book.

No,she was not avoiding him.She simply didn't let anything disrupt her routine.

On the contrary, Jason seemed to be around a lot.He,too was more often than not reading,searching,scribbling something away.After a lengthy discussion between him and Airin (Toji was also present,of course,but mostly just listening and taking in every piece of information he could),Jason switched his focus on researching travel between universes,after-death experiences and such.

- Unprecedented,-Airin was saying,her arms folded and her eyes distant.-Jason and I had our share of encounters with...supernatural phenomena,but never once have we heard of anyone travelling between universes.Using death as a transportation,no less,-she gave a dry chuckle.

-The reincarnation theories?,-Jason suggested,bringing in cups of coffee for himself and Toji.Airin was probably on her tenth cup already.

-Very questionable possibility.Your old body doesn't reincarnate with you,-Airin mused.She has read tons on the subject,but it never seemed quite enough to satisfy her curiosity.

So everyone being in a bit of a stump,Airin had asked Toji if he wanted to stick around.They had an extra futon in Jason's room,they'd get him some change of clothes and anything he needed.It was almost December and even here,in central Japan,it was bound to get colder soon.He could stay while they tried to figure out what the hell happened exactly and maybe find a way to help.Airin reported all of this casually-one'd think she was a hotel manager,handing him the room key and wishing him a pleasant stay.

It didn't take Toji long to consider all of his limited options.He was dead but alive,in a time he didn't know,still in Japan but in a different part of it and,oh yeah,in a different fucking universe.

He needed time to regroup.Whether these people actually knew what they were doing or not,whether they could really help him remained to be seen.

He also decided to spend this time observing and studying them.

Jason presented himself as an easier case at first.He was pleasantly chatty if the occasion called for it;he seemed like an open book.It was almost impossible to deduce what his relationship with Airin was at first-they had no visible family resemblance,bickered like an old married couple at times,but slept in different rooms.Friends?Distant relatives?At that time,it was only a couple of days since his "rebirth" so Toji didn't ask any personal questions that had no immediate connection to his case.But neither Airin nor Jason seemed to have any walls built against him;quite the contrary,any questions he might have had,they'd answer.So it was almost impossible not to grow comfortable around them.Toji judged that if he wanted to learn more about Airin,though,getting Jason to talk was probably his best chance.

Of course,he could also learn a few things simply by studying his surroundings.One day,when Airin was at work and Jason was out as well,Toji took his time to take a little tour.

To be fair, there was not much to tour in the first place.Airin's home was a typical Japanese studio apartment in a nice,quiet neighborhood.This meant there was only one fairly spacious room-living room/bedroom and Jason's room/extra library was down a narrow flight of stairs...in the closet.

-Yeah,I'd keep that info away from the landlord's ears,-Airin commented when she first saw Toji's reaction.Jason snorted.-He doesn't need to know we have a vampire freeloading in a secret basement that's not supposed to be there in the first place.

-Hey!

-What?You don't pay rent,do you?

-I do...tasks!Around the house!

-Drinking my coffee and occasional grocery trips don't count.Take it up to HR.Or...VR in your case,since you're not human.

The bickering was cut short as Airin,of course,had to go.

Finally left all alone (just how much did she trust him?),Toji walked around the room,first noting the obvious-bookshelf that took almost an entire wall,a desk with two chairs,kotatsu positioned comfortably in the middle of the room,an electric piano in one corner and two guitars in another.And books,books everywhere,including floor and windowpane.All of this told him the woman had tons of hobbies but not much of her personality in depth.

Then he walked back to the desk and studied the pictures and drawings covering the wall above.

First thing that caught his eye was a big poster consisting of many small photos,like q collage.All of the pictures were with little kids, kindergarteners from the looks of it.Judging from the most obvious-that she lived alone (forgetting Jason for a moment) and looked awfully young-certainly these were not her kids.Which begged the conclusion that Airin was probably a teacher.Further inspection of the wall only strengthened this opinion in Toji's mind-there were almost a dozen drawings of all sizes,some of them sporting writings like:"To Airin","Happy birthday,Miss Airin" and so on.Other photos included two or three of the same people,probably Airin's friends.

Doesn't look like there are any pictures of family,Toji mused,wrapping up his inspection and taking a seat at the kotatsu.He also took a moment to marvel that his initial impression of her somehow didn't go with an image of a teacher at all.A kids' teacher at that.

Later that day,after Airin came back from work,Jason had also returned from his mystery trip.

-I went to the library,-he reported.-....a far away one,-he added for what Toji thought was purely dramatic purposes.-I scoured their sections on time travel,universe travel,basically everything.Brought back some books for research purposes...

-Stole them,huh?,-Airin chimed in,giving Jason a judgy stare.-How low you have fallen.

-I'll take them back!,-Jason fumed instantly,then rolled his eyes.-...Maybe.

-Hard emphasis on "maybe".

-Anyway,-Jason pushed on.-From what I gathered by scanning them all quickly...wouldn't get my hopes up.

-Way to encourage the audience,mate,-Airin snorted,finally taking a seat.She has been busily unpacking her work stuff,doing ten things at a time,as usual.-What if the man has a family to get back to?,-her eyes switched from Jason to Toji so fast that the latter was caught by surprise.He thought this was a first in both his life AND death.

-Do you have a family waiting for you?Someone you'd want to get back to?,-there it was.The X-ray gaze.This was probably the first personal question she's asked him in over a week that he's been here.That was another slightly puzzling thing about Airin-she didn't pry.She only ever asked the necessary questions-what was the last thing he remembered,how his body felt (considering he was dead) and so on.

He realized they were both expecting an answer.He took a moment to think and pick his words carefully.

-...Not really,no.There's...no one,-there was his son,but he was safely taken care of.He didn't need Toji back in his life.

He watched Airin and Jason exchange knowing looks.

-What?Did I make an impression of a family man?,-Toji asked both of them dryly,but his eyes stayed glued to Airin's.She gave a curt,humorless chuckle.

-Not at all.But impressions based solely on one's appearance can be rather misleading,-her eyes were on him as well.He couldn't help but think she left part of her thoughts unsaid.

-I don't know,your father looked every bit as evil as he was,-Jason shrugged casually.Toji's mind was instantly focused on every word.

-And yet you spent decades playing his lackey,-dark sparks of amusement danced in Airin's eyes.Jason opened his mouth to reply,thought better of it and closed it again.There was a pause.

-You two sure bicker like family,-Toji put in before they could change the topic.-Or an old married couple.

Airin snorted.Even Jason couldn't help but grin in amusement.

-You got us there,-Airin raised her hands as if giving up.-Little brother here had a change of heart when my father decided sacrificing one of his daughters would be a fun way to gain some more power.

Toji blinked at them,speechless for a moment.Meanwhile,Jason was fuming again.

-I'm older than you.

-Not in your human years,you're not,-Airin shut him down dryly,then returned her attention to Toji.-I know it probably sounds like...a lot of bullshit.Sometimes I can hardly believe it myself.

She didn't look emotional at all.It was like she was reading someone else's biography and gasping at appropriate places.Jason,misjudging Toji's silence for bewilderment,quickly stepped in.

-We're not technically...siblings,of course.Relatives almost 200 years apart.So we usually go with half-brother story for convenience's sake,-Jason explained.

Toji nodded absentmindedly,trying to absorb all of this information.

-Your father tried to kill you?,-the words left his mouth before he could stop himself.

-Oh,not me.My sister.My actual sister,-she gave Jason a cheeky look and he rolled his eyes.-Wanted to power me up,apparently,-she shrugged.-Then probably use me too for his own purposes,who knows.

-Power you up?How?

-Magic,-she replied simply.-My father dabbled in a lot of shady stuff.Probably explains how he stayed alive for a few centuries.

-Was he also a...

-Nope,not a vampire.Just a dark arts enthusiast,-she sighed,shaking her head as if she couldn't believe what some people chose do to with their free time.Before Toji could pursue the topic further-there were about a hundred more questions he needed to ask-Airin stood up and scooped up all their cups to take them back to the kitchen.-I have to be up early.Gotta get ready for bed.

Jason nodded and got up as well.Toji must have looked very thoughtful when Airin returned to the room because she took a moment to gaze at him silently and only when he raised his eyes to meet hers did she speak.

-A lot to take in,huh?,-Airin offered a little smile.-Stick around,you might discover the rest of the huge iceberg buried in the water.

#jujutsu kaisen #jjk #toji fushiguro #toji x reader #jujutsu kaisen fanfic #jjk au #jjk spoilers #jujutsu kaisen spoilers

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caatws · 1 year

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Yondu's death and how it was handled in the following gotg projects is the main reason I think how Gamora's been treated is unforgivable. A funeral and two other follow ups to your death/to honor your importance vs "you're not dead, you just can't remember". It would take 2 minutes tops to have Mantis, Drax and Rocket say 2 sentences to eachother about missing Gamora. They don't even had to shed tears if that would be too much. Drax already hated Thanos for killing his family once before. Where was his anger.

vol 3 reduced Gamora from a fully realized character who was an equal partner in the story and interacted with the others and guided them, to mainly someone only Peter really knew. Carrying over her relationship with Nebula from Endgame is the only saving grace. Worse is that Peter talking about it is the only time the canon gives Gamora credit for being essential to the family's origins and by extension the franchise.

Also it makes me really sad that Zoe has probably given the best performance of the bunch throughout her entire mcu run and because Gamora's arc is such a mess it completely overshadows that by the time you get finished vol 3. In fact, imo, vol 3 was fire performance wise for but hits rock bottom plot and arc wise. Without her death or if they had ressurected her, I think she easily would have had one of the best arcs in the mcu.

yeah, when i was comparing the treatment gamora's death to nat's that was already Oof but now comparing with yondu is just...OOOOOFFFFFF. it's just sad seeing the characters not get a chance to rly express their grief for her ever :'( and i think only rly exploring peter's grief makes it seem like gamora rly just existed to be his gf, which i know is a whole nother can of worms of discourse happening in starmora land rn (and given all the circumstances in the film, i honestly think the way starmora as a relationship was handled was pretty solid)

tho we had the holiday special (and i did enjoy it!), i kinda wish we'd had some other gotg project (love & thunder doesn't count since they were just there for 2 secs to support thor LOL) between endgame and vol 3 to actually explore the fallout from iw/endgame a lot more, not just for the gamora situation, but, like, everyone else too. like i mentioned earlier, i think there's a gaping hole in rocket's arc (and nebula's but to a lesser extent) given where his arc left off in vol 2, then the 4 years that passed offscreen between that and iw, and then the 5 years that passed offscreen during endgame, and then ANOTHER 2 years passed offscreen between endgame and the holiday special/vol 3 (i think). i'd imagine losing all of the gotg would've affected rocket a LOT (like remember when he literally shot gamora so she wouldn't risk her life to save peter like lol) and then when they returned, surely that would shift the way he approached his relationships with them

similarly with nebula, i'm assuming she only stuck around with the gotg bc after endgame bc she'd become rocket's bestie for the restie (which i love) and also idk helped the avengers defeat thanos (? idk it also seems like the gotg were just kinda absorbed into the avengers for those 5 years and then became separate again after endgame, which would've been cool to establish more explicitly in canon) but given how uninterested she was in hanging around the gotg at both the end of vol 1 and vol 2, i think we needed to see more of how she went from that to practically being a de facto leader of sorts for the team in the beginning of vol 3

like i said before, i do think much of vol 3 was still very much firing on all cylinders, including the performances, but some of these holes in the arcs were still hard to look past. i know gunn said he wanted the film to be something you could watch on its own without all the context of the previous gotg films/iw/endgame (which makes me wonder how much that informed the way he approached things like the gamora situation) but i think including more story elements and references to past works that would've made vol 3 more dependent on the previous gotg appearances would've fixed quite a few of these problems

#mcu #ask #gotg vol 3 spoilers #gamora #the gamora situation #<- creating that tag for all these asks now HAHA

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laylaisthename · 1 year

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you know im down bad when im actually posting my fics on tumblr.

Lincoln McQuoid/M!MC || SFW || 3900 words :pensive: ||

Fic about two guys with terrible birthday experiences that are trying to do better. Set in a theoretical time after everything's been resolved. Timeline doesnt exactly match up since we're probably like a week away in game from Linc’s birthday but uuuh just pretend ok.

tw; mentions of under (american) age drinking (idk im european and he's 18 so its fine to me)

"Lincooooln." Horus calls lazily from the couch.

"What?"

"You know what day it is?"

Lincoln pads into the living room, his eyes narrowing at Horus. "The day the Elric brothers set their house on fire?"

Horus snorts, "Of course you would say that you weeb. Aaaand...what else is today?"

Lincoln sighs. "Who told you?"

"I'll let you take one guess at who'd be texting me about your well-being."

He buries his face in his hands and lets out another deep, soul-weary sigh.

"Abel says to tell you 'happy birthday' and to make sure that, quote 'he doesn't spend the whole day moping around his apartment alone watching daytime tv and getting drunk.' unquote. Ouch. You really spend your birthdays like that?"

There's a thoughtful frown on Lincoln's face, a look that Horus knows a little too well by now. He opens his arms invitingly, and a small smile plays on Lincoln's lips as he moves to join him on the couch, resting against his chest.

"Bad birthday memories?" Horus asks.

"Melancholic ones. I told you what happened on my seventh birthday. My mom still tried after that but it just... hasn't been the same since. And then I lost touch with Abel, and she..." his words trail off.

Horus' voice is quiet when he responds. "I know. I'm sorry."

Unsure of what else to say he simply wraps Lincoln in his arms. Instinctively Horus' eyes flicker to the empty spot on the wall where Silvia's portrait used to hang, a pang of guilt lancing through his heart. He must have apologized a thousand and one times already, but it still never felt like enough. Sometimes he catches Linc glancing over too, expecting it to still be there- for her to still be there.

His thumb subconsciously moves to twist at his mother's ring. It was a feeling he knew well.

"Okay I'm gonna be real depressing here," he starts, "but stay with me on this. Every year on my birthday my dad used to take us to this nice Egyptian restaurant. I'd get baklava and chocolate cake and some damn good chicken and then we'd go home and watch any movie of my choice, so we'd usually end up watching A New Hope again."

"And you're calling me a weeb? Nerd."

"Shut up, I'm being genuine here for once in my fucking life. Anyway. Point is. We'd get dinner, watch a movie together, I got some gifts, and it was the best day I could wish for. Then after... everything happened, Amalia and her parents took me out somewhere." He takes a moment to gather himself. Talking about the past five years was still hard at times, actually telling the truth of his hurt rather than lie and say he was fine. "I spent my eighteenth birthday crying my eyes out on the floor of a restaurant bathroom. Told Lia I got food poisoning, but I knew she didn't buy it. Next birthday was barely any better. Amalia was off to college by then, so me and my new best friend 'Fake ID' hit up every bar in town for a free drink for the birthday boy. I vaguely remember making out with some hot girl in a bathroom stall, but mostly I just remember feeling incredibly alone. And, well, nauseous."

"Is this story going anywhere or are you rambling?"

"Right. I'm trying to be profound. Well, tl;dr, birthdays sucked. At 20 I ignored my birthday and 21 I got shitfaced again, but this time legally. Then this year I happened to find myself in the area after a hunt. So I walked into that Egyptian restaurant, I got myself dinner and some baklava, found the nearest movie theater and watched, uh," he falls quiet for a moment, thinking hard, "I don't remember the movie's name, it was pretty forgettable I'll be honest. But it was the best day I'd had in longer than I'd like to admit. Whenever I closed my eyes I could almost feel my family sitting next to me. My dad's lame jokes, my mom's laughter. Annie stealing food off my plate when she thought I wasn't looking..." Horus is quiet for a moment. "Sorry, I'm making it about me again."

Lincoln turns over in his arms to face him. "It's alright. Honor their memory instead of burying it deep, right?"

"Yeah. But, if you do wanne just laze around all day and watch shitty movies I'm down for that too." he tightens his arms around him a little.

Lincoln hums, lying his head back down on Horus' chest, and he wonders if Lincoln could hear how his heart raced. Neither of them would spend another birthday alone if he had any say in it. They lay there a little while longer in comforting quiet.

Lincoln rouses after a while, quieting Horus' whine with an achingly sweet kiss as he heaves himself off the couch. "I think I know what I want to do today."

***

Their first stop was Westchester Elementary. Lincoln hadn't told Horus what exactly they'd be up to, wanting it to be a surprise. It was a warm autumn day, the warmth of summer not quite gone yet.

The sounds of children playing outside accompanied by a quiet ambiance of rustling leaves and birds' song. It was strange how nice Westchester could be when horrible men and creatures weren't actively terrorizing it.

"So, this is where baby Linc took his first steps into becoming a menace to society?"

He rolls his eyes, but smiles regardless, "You know Russ, I don't actually know much about what you were like as a kid."

"Me? A model student once they got me to stop cutting up my clothes."

"That's what I thought." he holds out his hand, and by now it's second nature for Horus to grasp it as they walk along. Lincoln leads them to the side of the building, stopping before they round the corner.

"Close your eyes for me?"

For me.

The gentleness in Linc's voice over shadows any dirty jokes in Horus' mind. He simply smiles, "Alright." letting Lincoln lead him a little further away with his eyes closed.

He stops Horus, grabbing him by the shoulders and turning him around.

"Okay, now, open your eyes."

So he does. And before him, Horus sees something that was-

A stunningly painted mural adorned the old plaster, a deep indigo blue of a night sky, swirling into the yellows and pinks of dawn. Against that backdrop was the silhouette of a woman, leading a chain of children of different ages toward the light of a new day under a bright shining star. More stars dotted the dark sky, painted in such a way that they almost seem to shimmer in the sunlight. Among them Horus managed to recognize a few constellations; the Scales of Libra, Aries the Ram, the Eagle Aquila, the Archer Orion-

His eyes flit to Lincoln, who in turn is watching him with searching eyes and a kind smile.

"It's gorgeous." Horus says after another breath. It was hard to put into words, but it felt as if a hopeful wish had been put into every brushstroke.

Having apparently found what he was looking for, Lincoln turns to the mural. "My mother painted this. She told me she started the first draft a few weeks after she found out she was pregnant. The actual mural didn't go up until I enrolled here, and I got special permission to 'help' her out during recess."

They walk up close, where painted in white, surprisingly neat, yet childish letters;

LINCOLN &

and then in a beautiful curling script;

Silvia McQuoid

Lincoln traces his fingers along the letters, closing his eyes, a smile painting his lips.

"There's more murals like these all around town. She'd always say this was her way of giving back a little kindness into the world. Something to inspire people." his eyes open again, looking up at the silhouette. "A couple were painted before I was born, but I loved coming along whenever I could. She always insisted that even if I just painted a single line, that I'd put my name up next to hers."

"She sounds awesome, wish I could have met her."

"She would have loved you, I'm sure of it."

Horus laughs, "Ha! You're just saying that because I'm your boyfriend."

Lincoln bumps his shoulder, "I mean it, Russ. Someone so full of life like you? She'd be making wedding plans after our first date."

Horus was not a shy or bashful man by a long shot, so the blush creeping up to his ears and the sudden stutter in his throat caught him off guard. His eyes flick over to Lincoln, who also seems to realize what he'd said with a start. He didn't want to read into it too much, his racing mind already looking for a way to change the topic, but a small voice in the back of his head tells him that if Lincoln had asked him right here, right now, that he would not mind at all. But then a suitable deflection comes to mind, blurted out a little too tense, a little too fast.

"I already promised to take you out for dinner today, no need to butter me up."

"Maybe I'm hoping to get free dessert too."

"I dunno, you find me a dark and quiet corner and I can get right on that if you're so impatient."

"At an elementary school? Really?"

"Ah, you're right. So are we going to your highschool next? Behind the bleachers maybe."

Lincoln laughs again, "Speaking of dinner, there's a few more murals I wanted to show you. Come on." Linc turns to head back to the motorcycle.

It was like a light bulb flickering to life over Horus' head as he realized exactly what he would get Lincoln for his birthday. He pulls out his phone, sending out a dozen texts as they walk, nearly missing the helmet Linc tosses him.

The last message is off and confirmed by the time they reach the second mural, and hours blur by as they ride all over Westchester. Every painting is somehow more gorgeous than the last, accompanied by anecdotes from Lincoln about inspirations, color choices, meanings. It was something incredibly dear to his heart, anyone could tell.

Horus steps up close to Lincoln, leaving a kiss on his cheek. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Sharing this with me. But," he reaches his hand into Linc's back pocket, pulling out the motor keys, "I have a surprise for you too."

Lincoln raises a brow, but doesn't make to grab for the keys. "Where are we going exactly?"

"Ah-ah, wouldn't be a surprise anymore if I told you. But it's close by, I promise."

***

It's a short drive over. Horus parks the motor out on the side of the road, walking ahead down an alleyway to the back.

And as his friends had promised, strewn around a blank wall was everything needed to paint a mural of their own.

Brushes in all sizes, a dozen different colors of paint, lights that illuminated a smooth, blank canvas waiting to be filled. Off to the side lay a cooler filled with drinks, and a bag full of takeout food.

"But how…?"

Horus counts it off on his fingers, "Had Connor call in some favors at city hall for the permit, Lia brought the food, Joss got us drinks, Dee and Noah took care of the supplies, aaand," Horus lets out a sharp whistle, and Abel appears from around the corner carrying a cake, followed by the rest of their merry little gang. A chorus of "Happy birthday, Lincoln." rises from the group. Joss rolls her eyes.

"I'm just here for the cake." she nods her head toward Abel.

Linc's eyes grow wide."Is that…?"

"My mom's recipe? Yeah, I promised, didn't I?"

Horus pulls a lighter from his pocket, lighting the candles.

"Happy birthday to you." Abel starts, and Horus, Amalia, Connor and Dee are quick to join in, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Lincoln, happy birthday to youuu."

The look in Lincoln's eyes is part horrified, part touched and wholly embarrassed as the song comes to an end.

"C'mon make a wish."

Lincoln walks up and thinks for a moment, and if Horus wasn't head over heels before, then the way that the candlelight flickered in Linc's eyes surely would have done the trick now. The moment passes as he closes his eyes, blowing out the candles in one big breath.

"Let's see if this cake lives up to the hype." Noah walks up, knife in hand, offering it to Lincoln to cut the first piece.

Abel looks offended, "You doubt my baking skills?"

"Cut him some slack," Connor says, "being a ghost for a few years made him forget his manners."

Noah just shrugs, taking back the knife to cut up pieces for the rest as Lincoln takes the first one.

The silence is broken by an incredibly inappropriate moan from Lincoln that almost sets something off in Horus. But that would have to wait until he had him all to himself.

"Just as good as you remember?" Abel says, unable to keep a large, goofy grin off his face.

"Better somehow." he takes another large bite.

Horus is handed a piece next and wastes no time shoving a large piece into his mouth. "Oh shit, this is good." Agreements ring out as everyone digs in. Their impromptu party is however quite short lived.

"As much as I wish I could stay," Abel says, "I was in the middle of grading papers that I really need to finish by tomorrow."

Amalia pipes up, "I should go too, I got a long drive ahead to get back in time for my lectures tomorrow if I want to get any sleep. Cake was totally worth it, though."

Connor walks up to Dee and Noah, slinging his arms around their shoulders. "The three of us promised Harper we'd stop by tonight to check something out, so we should get going too."

Jocelyn grabs another bite off the last slice of cake. "And I'm not hanging around to play third wheel to these two, so bye."

Horus waves her off. "Good night, Joss."

"Night, Red. Keep the old man’s spine intact.”

“Old man? I’m not even 30 yet.” Lincoln replies.

“I make no promises about his ability to walk tomorrow.”

Jocelyn grins, “Nice.” and heads off.

Abel hangs back for a moment, watching the others leave. He walks over to Lincoln, whose eyes still betray his feelings of guilt. Apologies were exchanged a while ago, but Horus could tell that Lincoln still had a hard time letting go of the hurt he caused.

"Abel, I-" but his words are cut off as Abel envelopes him in a hug. Lincoln hesitates for a moment, before hugging him back.

Abel lets him go, a kind smile on his face. "Happy birthday, old friend." he turns to Horus, giving him a nod, and Horus nods back.

And just like that it was only the two of them left again. Horus polishes the last crumbs off his plate, quietly thanking Abel and his mother for what was maybe the best cake he'd had, ever.

Lincoln walks up and hugs him tightly, burying his face in Russ' neck. And now it was Horus' turn to stand there for a moment, unsure of what to do, before he returns the gesture.

"Thank you," the words are a quiet murmur against the crook of his shoulder. "Thank you."

"I'm glad you like it."

"No, I liked spending the day with you. You doing this for me? I love it. I-" he hesitates on the word. Lincoln pulls back a bit, cupping Russ' face in his hands. "It means a lot to me. I just don't know what to paint."

He pulls him in for a kiss, short and sweet. But being pressed up against Lincoln's back all day on the motorcycle has left Horus with a desire for something more than that. He walks Lincoln backwards until his back hits the empty plaster wall, nearly tripping over a bucket of paint in his haste. He opens his mouth, and it was delicious, both of them still tasting of whipped cream and cake.

Lincoln flips them, so Russ' back is now to the wall and pulls back. A groan escapes him as he leans forward after Lincoln,

"Don't move." he places another kiss along his jaw.

"Hm?"

"I just figured out what I want to paint."

Horus stood there, chest heaving, pupils blown wide. "You're just going to leave me like this?"

He laughs, a bright and joyful sound, "I didn't exactly bring lube along."

"I'll run to the corner store and make the most suspicious purchase of my fucking life, I'll even throw in some roses, don't test me."

Lincoln comes back with a bucket of paint and brush in hand. "You can do whatever you want to me back at my apartment. Just keep still."

He opens the can, a deep blue, and gets to work tracing an outline around Horus, lingering around his hands, leaving kisses as he goes along. Up his arm, over his shoulder, a kiss under his ear.

"You're making it very hard to stand still, you know."

"Better keep at it. Don't want to get paint in your hair- hold out your hand a little."

Horus does as asked, moving as little as possible, as Lincoln traces the paint over his head and down his right side.

Lincoln steps back, admiring his handiwork- or maybe admiring Horus. With the way his eyes darted around it was hard to tell. He turns, reaching for a new brush and another can of bright red paint. It doesn't escape Russ that it's the same shade as the color of his hair. Lincoln holds them out for him to take.

Horus shakes his head "I'm not much of an artist."

"Just the rough outline, I'll take care of the details." Lincoln stands with his back against the wall, hand overlapping with the silhouette of Horus beside him.

"Alright, fine. For the birthday boy."

Horus then realized that he probably had not held a paintbrush in his hands in a decade, if not more. He wasn't nervous per se, but still very cautiously went to work, part of him afraid to mess it all up. He kneels down to get started by Lincoln's legs. The red paint stands in stark contrast against the gray wall, overflow dripping down, and suddenly Horus freezes.

His hands shake, breath catching in his throat, whole body tense and ready to spring. Blood dripping down the brush, out of a creature's mouth, covering his hands his eyes seeping into his chest the ground thick in the air-

A hand clamps on his arm and distantly his name reaches his ears -"Russ!"- his father telling him to run, Annie calling after him- he tries to pull away, hand balling into a fist so tight that his knuckles ran white, nails digging into his palm, fight or flight instincts setting in and he was afraid and wanted to, no had to fight there was no one else left-

"Horus!" Lincoln's hands frame his face, forcing him to look into his eyes.

"I'm-" the word comes out as a ragged breath. Adrenaline ebbs out, his heart still racing at a thousand miles a minute, but he was back in the here and now at least. Realizing what had just happened, Horus slaps on his trademark grin, the gesture not quite reaching his eyes. "I'll get lost in your eyes like this."

"You're shaking."

His hands still tremble a bit as he pries himself loose, "Low blood sugar, you know how it is. Maybe we should eat some of the take-out before it goes completely cold." he drops the brush back into the bucket, avoiding looking at it too closely.

"Horus-"

"There's one with chicken and one with beef, which do you want?"

Lincoln wraps himself around him from behind, plucking the beef noodles from the bag. "Talk to me, Russ. You were gone for a moment there."

Horus hops up onto a crate, opening his food up, his voice quiet, but finding its confidence as he talks. "Ugh. It doesn't usually happen, red is my favorite color, and I've seen worse whenever I need to dye my hair again- seriously makes my bathroom look like someone died there." he lets out a breath, combing his fingers through his hair, "but, I guess the paint just… took me off guard. I'll be fine after I eat something."

Lincoln sits next to him, frowning,

"I should have realized-"

"Don't. Don't start pitying me or, fuckin' saying its your fault. We were just making such good progress in getting you to stop blaming everything on yourself-"

"That's not true," Linc says matter-of-fact, "I blame plenty on Matthias."

Horus laughs. "True. But, yeah. I don't want my little episode to ruin this. I won't let it." He nods over, gesturing for Lincoln to go stand at the wall once they're done eating.

His hand still shakes a little as he traces the outline around him, but everything was further from Horus' mind now. Focus on the motions, focus on his warmth, his voice-

"Look at that. You're a natural." Lincoln says as he draws the final line, vaguely linking the hands of the silhouettes together.

"Are you gonna start pulling out gold stars next, or what?" He grabs himself a soda from the cooler, and a beer for Lincoln,

"Is that something I'll need to keep in mind?"

"Everyone likes being told they're doing a good job, no? Don't worry about the drinking by the way, I'll drive us back."

"Sure, but if I start lamenting about Naruto, cut me off."

"No, please tell me more about how Naruto and that black haired guy were totally in love."

"Oh, like you're any better about your space movies."

"I just have a lot of feelings about the Clones, okay!"

Conversation flows and time flies as Horus watches Lincoln get to work. It was mesmerizing to see how the piece came together, stroke by stroke; two silhouettes, hand in hand with a ribbon tying their hands together. Horus' figure set in a royal blue, Lincoln framed by an explosive red, the tie that binds them red on one side, blue on the other. The message rang clear; I’m a part of you, you’re a part of me.

"Now all that's left," Lincoln cracks open a black can of paint, dipping in a smaller brush. "is signing it."

He signs his name in beautiful curling letters;

Lincoln &

Before holding out the brush to Horus, who glady, if a bit messily, adds his name underneath;

Horus Asar

#ilw #it lives within #its MY blog and i get to be cringe #lincoln mcquoid #fic for once not art #back to my natural habitat (making up little scenes in my head)#no clue what etiquette is on tumblr for posting fics i never do it #that shit either goes on ao3 or forever lives in my google drive

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