#and maybe I’m unjustified and shitty and bad for feeling like this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hyunjinspark · 5 months

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Jade, my love! You‘ve been breaking my heart 17 chapters in a row, so it was to be expected, but this time… damn. I‘ve never had such a visceral reaction while reading something. It physically hurt reading this, I’ve actually cried… I don’t remember that ever happening. I feel empty now. Their conversation during the ride home, accepting that Hyun „doesn’t care“, feeling left out now that Kairi and Chan are back together, doubting her decision of moving to the city, the fear during her horrible interaction with Jieong (never meet your heroes), the horrifying thought that your dreams might’ve turned out to be a nightmare, the breakdown that led to her rash decision, just for Hyun to finally do what she’s been wishing for all the time she’s been in Seoul - just being there… This chapter left me depressed. I’m aware this sounds like a bad review, but I’m such a sucker for angst, as you probably know at this point, so this is actually meant to be a huge compliment. Your writing is truly astonishing, the way it makes the readers feel so intensely, how it makes you question how much someone can and should take and if giving up is really so bad if it makes you feel so shitty (applies to both the situation with Hyun and Jieong) because honestly, I don‘t know if I could‘ve handled that in real life. And also, how fucking REAL your writing is. The angst and Y/N‘s feelings are never overdone, unjustified or annoying as it sometimes can be (especially with heavy angst stories), nor does it feel fabricated. It feels real, raw and realistic.

Honestly, with Hyun showing up at the end, my reaction was a bit like „too little, too late“, so I hope she‘ll actually leave Seoul instead of caving in. If staying was her decision, of course she should go for it, but just because Hyun decided to show up for once and convince her… that would actually be a bit toxic, even. I get his situation is complicated, but for someone who keeps saying he doesn‘t want to hurt her and made those decisions to protect her, he does seem to always be taking the easy way out in a way. He’s a bit of a coward, even if his reasons are justified. He can make it up to her by exposing that piece of shit professor, lol because I‘m sure he‘ll find out and get all protective. Also saying this about Hyun, despite it sounding like the complete opposite, is also a huge compliment to your writing because since he‘s not actually an asshole, it just means I love Y/N so much, that I get overprotective. You know how when your best friend‘s S/O fucks up just a little bit and you‘re immediately wary and you‘ll remember it for a long while and kind of resent him for it? That‘s exactly how I‘m feeling, so Kudos to you because in the concerningly big amount of books I’ve read the past couple of years, I‘ve never loved an MC so much, most of the time I hardly even like them.

Some of my thoughts for the future plot: I‘m getting panicked at this point, lol. I‘ve started thinking „Oh, we don‘t have many chapters left in SLWY and they still haven‘t confessed/had sex/gotten together etc.“, so I‘m like „Fuck, I hope we can still get enough peaceful, happy, romantic couple moments between the two. And this might be an unpopular opinion, but I truly hope that the boys decide to disband in order to live peaceful and private lives with their loved ones (and I can lowkey see you actually writing that, but then again I don‘t, you‘re amazingly unpredictable) since this is obviously a depressing life to lead without getting much out of it, as thankful as I am for real life SKZ existing… Also, I hope the professor gets exposed big time (or beaten within an inch of his life), maybe with Karina‘s (her comments make me think that Y/N isn’t the only student he harassed) help because I think I‘d actually pull my hair out if he doesn‘t suffer consequences, but I trust in you bringing justice to our Y/N. I‘m excited and curious in general about what you‘re gonna to with the rest of the story, but I know it‘s gonna be amazing.

Sorry for that long ass word vomit message, but I‘m all kinds of overwhelmed by this chapter. Every time I think you can‘t outdo yourself… damn, your potential is unreal. Thank you, I love you and STOP GIVING US SUCH BRUTAL CLIFFHANGERS I AUDIBLY SCREECHED OUT OF FRUSTRATION!!!

P.S.: I had a really bad day today and reading that masterpiece made it so much better!

- 👑

i promise the angst will end soon. when i read your review, i realise how heavy that last chapter was im sorry but im happy you liked it so much that it made you viscerally react ...also thank you for letting me know that you agree with yn's reactions/think they're realistic. that's always good to hear haha. :)

what you said about hyunjin, too little too late, mayy be right. he has been taking the easy way out, at least in yn's eyes, and let's see how he may resolve or come back from that ! but speaking of what you said, i also promise to give you enough happy moments haha.

thank you so much for this beautiful review. your predictions are very sound and make me intrigued as fuck. thank you, and I hope you're having a better day today!

#💌 jade mail

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herinsectreflection · 3 years

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You've probably answered this before so i apologize, but do you think that the Scoobies + potential Slayers were justified in turning on Buffy and choosing Faith after their defeat at the vineyard? (besides kicking her out of her house, that was just shitty lol)

I've been putting off answering this for a while because I wanted to write a full piece on it - and perhaps I'll still do that - but here it is in a nutshell.

Buffy's plan in Empty Places was tactically moronic and strategically unsound. It would have resulted only more deaths, and the events of Touched confirm that. They were completely correct to object to this plan. Buffy then reacts in a way that demonstrates a clear lack of recognition of these concerns, and insists on continuing with the plan anyway. This is bad leadership - if we're taking the war metaphor, an army needs a reason to follow a General beyond "because I said so". This is one of the few times in the series where I would say that Buffy is firmly on the wrong side.

What happens then, however, is a cavalcade of accusations, dick moves, hypocrisy, and wild leaps of logic on all sides. I'm not sure what's most off-base - Buffy's insistence that nobody should trust Faith because she killed people (yeah, who hasn't?), or Anya's claim that Buffy hasn't "earned" her Slayer powers (how have you been around for 4 seasons and reached that conclusion?) It's an argument between a group of characters I all like, but unlike something like The Yoko Factor, where I leave feeling sympathy for everyone, I end up feeling here like nobody has any leg to stand on.

The group is right to object to the plan, and Buffy was wrong to override these objections. But the manner of those objections were also bizarre and unjustified. I'm not sure anybody came out of that room not looking worse for it, apart from Faith and maybe Xander.

(I feel like that nutshell doesn't do justice and I do need to write a full piece to really unpack every line and explain exactly why I think this way. It's in the pipeline, I swear.)

#ask #anonymous #s7 #empty places

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sugarmaplewings-fics · 4 years

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Party Jitters

Pairing: Bakugou x anxious reader

Warnings: SWORE (also some anxiety but it’s not too intense. Maybe a bit of bullying, but it’s not really directly to y/n)

Author’s Note:

So this is the first request I’ve ever completed (🎉✨✨🎇) and I’m pretty proud of it! I started out having this go in a completely different direction and I got pretty far along until I decided it wasn’t really the vibe I was going for, so I stopped and started over. I might post the original later (either I’ll finish it up or just as the wip it is) but idk. Tell me if you want it, I guess? Idk, I might just post it anyway bc I do that sometimes.

Anyway, huge thank you to @bozowrites for sending in this request! I hope it fit something along the lines of what you were thinking!

Enjoy!

-Sugar

⋘ ────────── ∗ ⋅◈⋅ ∗ ───────── ⋙

Oh, if only you knew how you had gotten yourself into this situation now

Except you did know, and it was all your own damn fault

You hated parties. You knew you hated parties; but in a moment of unjustified courage, you had convinced yourself that it was a good idea to get out there more

A friend from your middle school was throwing a get-together for your previous grade, and you thought it might be nice to see some of the kids you’d grown up with

You’d done yourself up with a different hair style and moderately more formal clothes than you wore normally, even convincing your boyfriend to come along with you

But oh, no. This was not good. The furthest thing from a good idea, if you asked your present self

It was as if only now you remembered that there weren’t many people there that you cared to see

You were at someone’s house, music blaring and lights dimmed

Katsuki had wandered off to get you both an age-appropriate beverage, and now you were standing alone in a corner

You spotted the group of kids who used to throw rude comments at you. To be honest, they were pretty rude to everyone, yet somehow they were still considered popular

That was all a whole year ago. We’re in different schools now, it doesn’t matter

Nevertheless, it felt like they wouldn’t stop looking over at you. You swore that one of the girls leaning over to whisper something in her friend’s ear was without a doubt talking about you

What could be wrong with you? You smoothed your top, wondering if you’d somehow magically changed into something else; something out of place and stupid

It felt like any minute they would come over and try to talk to you, even though you’d barely talked to anyone at all the entire time you were here

You felt like an outsider, which was ridiculous, since this was your old class

But no, there it was; the sick, nauseous feeling you were all too unpleasantly acquainted with

You wanted to run, but you’d made all the effort to come here. Where was Bakugou? You couldn’t ditch him

You tapped your fingers against your thigh to the rhythm of the music; a song you’d never heard before

This had been a mistake; a bad idea, and now your throat was starting to close up, the distant beginnings of tears prickling in the corners of your eyes

“Oi.”

Your eyes snapped up from the floor, fearing the worst for a moment

Theywerehere, theywouldtalktoyou, theywouldteaseyou—

Bakugou stood next to you, holding two cups of lemonade

“Here.” He handed you the plastic drink container, and you took it with shaking hands

“Something wrong?” Katsuki asked, noticing

You went to shake your head, but finally thought better of it

“I don’t think I want to be here,” you admitted, sipping at your overly sugary drink

Bakugou scanned your face, setting his cup down on the floor next to the wall beside him

“Did something happen?” he asked, cupping your face in one of his large, strong hands

“No, I just . . . I’m sorry I dragged you here. This isn’t what I thought it would be.”

Bakugou shrugged, pulling you closer into him. “I’m glad I came. Otherwise you’d be here alone.”

You simply nodded, taking a deep breath to right yourself. “I’m glad you’re here too.”

Katsuki slipped his hand into yours, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Wanna get going?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll take you to my place and we can watch a movie or something. This party’s lame anyway.”

You chuckled. “That’s not very nice.”

“It’s the truth. Now let’s go.”

He pulled you to the center of the room, nearing the crowd of popular kids you’d been watching before

“Hey, is that Bakugou Katsuki?”

“The slime monster kid?”

“No, the one from the sports festival.”

“Same person, dipshit.”

Your boyfriend froze at the sound of his name, slowly turning to glare at your former peers

“What about me?” he questioned, gruff voice easily heard over the sound of the music

“Just wondering what you were doing here,” one of the girls said, giving him an overly pretty and practiced smile. “You didn’t go to this school.”

“No, I didn’t, but I’m leaving your dumb party anyway.”

He started to walk off again, but that was when they spotted you behind him

“(Y/N)?!”

“Did you bring him here?”

“Is he supposed to be your boyfriend or something?”

You swallowed heavily, averting your eyes and walking faster, only to bump into Katsuki’s back

He had stilled in his path, a shadow crossing his eyes. You knew that look, that dangerous expression on his face. Bakugou was little more than a ticking time bomb, and your former classmates had just set him off

He slowly turned again to face them, and you could feel the palm clutching yours growing hotter in its grasp

“Have a problem with her? Or do you have a problem with me?” he asked, voice too low, too quiet

The same girl scoffed, flipping her hair over her shoulder. “It’s just that someone like her? With someone like you? You know what I mean, right guys?”

She snickered, turning back to her friends, who had now turned their full attention to the both of you

You weren’t sure if you’d ever seen Katsuki so angry, which was saying a lot, since he was outraged about something nearly all the time

Trying to prevent him from doing something he’d regret, you tugged at his shirtsleeve

He glanced back at you, face softening the tiniest of fractions

Balling his opposite fist, he walked back to the girl who’d called him out, pointing a finger in her face

“(Y/N) is my girlfriend and I love her, got it? I don’t need the opinions of shitty extras like you on my goddamn relationship. Just get the fuck out of my way and don’t talk to us again.”

With that, he went back to walking out, pulling you behind him in tow. He easily cleared a path for the both of you, yelling when someone wouldn’t move out of the way fast enough

When you were finally outside, he started walking you to the train station so he could take you home

“Don’t listen to those extras,” he finally said. Bakugou slowed down his pace and relaxed his grip on your hand, letting you settle comfortably into step beside him

“We do make quite the couple,” you remarked

He looked over at you, letting his face fall into the smallest of smiles. “Maybe tonight was kind of a shitshow, but you best believe that it won’t last.”

“Oh? Why’s that?”

“Because I’m the best boyfriend there ever was, and I know how to show my girlfriend a good time.”

You grinned, hugging him from the side as you walked. “You most certainly are.” Maybe it wasn’t always a good idea to inflate the blond’s ego, but you couldn’t help but be forever grateful for how he had impacted your life

When it came down to it, Katsuki would always show how much he cared, whether it was in your defense or simply getting you through a tough day

By the time you’d gotten off the train, all your worries had slipped from your mind, walking hand in hand in the moonlit darkness to spend the night at your boyfriend’s home

⋘ ────────── ∗ ⋅◈⋅ ∗ ───────── ⋙

Taglist: @basicaegyo @iiminibattlehero @pyrofanatic @sokkasangel @xoxopam4

#bakugou #katsuki bakugou #bakugou katsuki #bakugou bnha #katsuki bakugou bnha #bakugou katsuki bnha #bakugou imagine #katsuki bakugou imagine #bakugou katsuki imagine #bakugou scenario #bakugou x reader #katsuki bakugou x reader #bakugou katsuki x reader #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bnha x reader #mha x reader #reader insert #sugar scen

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legionofpotatoes · 3 years

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black widow thonks with spoilers under the cut. because I'm a marvel retrospective blog now I guess

(being in cinemas again is exciting. leave me alone)

A Movie. fits right into that mcu sweet spot of better than I feared, worse than I hoped

better because the first half does seemingly functional dramatic setups, doesn't shy away from quiet moments of interiority, tries to establish a bespoke narrative to operate in, has a weird enough opening that you can chalk up to it being "good" until we see how it's all addressed later on

worse cause second half is an mcu's greatest hits bonanza with clunky payoffs and reverse engineered catharsis shoehorning emotional development into some sort of avengers-need-me endpoint like it's a fridge being pushed into a carry-on suitcase with "franchise continuity" written on it

yelena/florence absolutely delightful. if she's taking over the character that could be nice! I think that girl has very pretty eyes. her acting/humor/accent was very good and really the only functional relationship with natasha in this entire ass movie

adjacent thought: accents overall were good, but some "major" beats were delivered in straight-up russian and. eurgh. horrible pronunciation. weird how this stuff doesnt get vetted on big boy hollywood sets. meanwhile they have one actual russian actor and they're mute the whole time. baller

re: clunky payoffs. major dramatic beat in the end is "sorry I left you, sister" despite the opening showing us the exact opposite. natasha fiercely protecting her from shit dad. whereas the actual defection from the red room is explained away in words and pieces across the movie. "show don't tell" isn't a tired platitude, and would help a LOT here if we saw that moment fit in the dramatic coherence of their past relationship chronologically. feels trivial but catharsis really is just setups and payoffs and making them CLEAR to follow. feel confident complaining about this more than anything else tbh

lots of other examples but this one felt easiest to "get right" in existing framework. other stuff like relationship with rest of the widows/dreykov/his daughter all harder to wrap my head around despite feeling short-changed overall. and like I can't claim to be able to doctor movie scripts or anything

but the parents! what the fuck! way to waste david harbour and rachel weisz! how is his shitty psychology not interrogated/prodded in any way. I did nothing wrong because my daughters grew up into effective brainwashed killers. makes them sad when I say that for some reason. here's a lil song I remember from back when I was lying to you about everything. feel better and move forward please, need to brag more about being cool

mom was overall better handled but the double-triple-quadruple turncoating at the end with constant callbacks and timeline cuts let all the air out of any possible dramatic payoff. functionally speaking it all literally happened in that closet while they were swapping outfits I guess? and we see bits and pieces of it for the sake of plot and not emotion? Weird Choice. but that's just me. idk

you can really tell the exact moment an mcu script hits "fuck it" and throws hands in air as nonsense plot device meter hits peak readings. aggression cancelling man-pheromones was that moment for me. literally what the fuck lmao. I guess the writers room felt strongly about it cause it fits as a wacko metaphor? for a dude manipulating and abusing women? okay. you know. good choice in an espionage thriller. I think it's fucking stupid still! and at the very LEAST warranted some sort of setup/foreshadowing to be less jarring

I get this entirely unjustifiable schadenfreude when fan favorite characters are fucked with. I imagined angry nerds frothing at the mouth about taskmaster and it brought me so much joy. I am truly not gloating I know this is a bad feeling to have. it's evil and judgmental and says more about me than anyone else.

gotta hand it a lil bit to the nerds though, having the character at least be able to speak and articulate motives/relation to natasha/at least express interiority through physical moments would be nice (good nearby example: winter soldier in cap 2). set up your mystery character reveals ya ding dongs. and be a bit heavyhanded about them if needed I promise it's okay. but when did drama and story matter more than plot to marvel? I generally found taskmaster a great overall story beat on paper but it's all the clunky drama around them that failed the execution. more context around That Moment in budapest, a few insert shots of physical micro expressions, actual dialogue during the reveal, idk. probably not as easy to improve this and I'm being a bit flippant but it really does look good on paper to me but then it all feeling empty and pointless by the end is not something I can deny

the incredibly hot dude natasha keeps around for Spy Stuff Procurement. whose name I already forgot. would be nice to give him a Moment, yannow. he literally IS a plot device with no dramatic function around him. everything he did/motivated in the plot could easily be written into nat's pov to save runtime. so why include him at all? it's not like big corporations tend to chase after tokenism in their tentpole films right fellas

so. natasha. the actual titular person in the middle of all this. I can be a bit high brow with my semiotic dissection of these potato salad movies but the fact that your main hero should.. like. change somehow. by the end of a movie. isn't that the whole point of storytelling? flawed personhood goes through crucible of personal challenge and achieves meaningful change. I feel like drama needs to really be blasted at me full-force, because maybe I missed it but did natasha change?

her big mission statement in the end is something like. "turns out I have two families, time to fix the other one". but a) the current one is still fucked up (but okay, it's really about yelena, I'll give it a pass), and b) sort of implies that THIS movie is what spurred her to stop being on the run alone and decide to instead be on the run with steve. which is. a baffling emotional result because why couldn't she do it earlier. we need to know these reasons to make any of this mumbo jumbo work. why was she not with steve in the beginning? "I'm better off alone" throwaway lines probably, yeah. I don't remember. okay why then? interrogate her self-isolation motives a bit more? tie them somehow in her catharsis with yelena? fucking. setups and payoffs. riddle your films with them and make them CLEAR and I PROMISE it's so much more satisfying. I mean for me it is. if you got anything out of her declaration in the end, in all honesty, power to ya

...no sorry I can't get over the attack canceling man pheromones it's so fucking stupid lmao

#text #black widow spoilers

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eratobard · 3 years

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Alone

This isn’t a feel good fic so it’s all going under the cut.

It’s really just me projecting on Jaskier.

Fandom: The Witcher

Rating: G

Pairing: Geralt & Jaskier or Geraskier

Summary: Geralt tries to be there for Jaskier, but it isn’t what he needs.

Tag Warning: Hurt no Comfort, Depression, Negative emotions, No resolution

Jaskier felt… well, he didn’t quite know how he felt, but he knew when he felt this way what would help. So he did it. It usually worked, and then he was fine for the rest of the day. The trouble came when Geralt, Mr. Fix-it, came home.

He found Jaskier in bed. At 5pm. Which was unusual for the bard, unless he was severely depressed. Geralt knocked tentatively on his door, “Hey, Jaskier… everything okay?”

Jaskier huffed, and mumbled his reply, “I’m fine, jus’ tired.”

Geralt fidgeted awkwardly at the door. He knew from past experiences when Jaskier was upset that he needed a little coaxing to get up. Combined with a fun activity, Jaskier was able to feel better. What Geralt didn’t know was today that was not the case.

“Hey!” Geralt managed cheerily, “Let’s watch this movie. How ‘bout that one zombie movie you’ve been wanting to see?”

Jaskier grumbled and buried himself deeper under the blankets and pillows, “No.”

Geralt tried again, “Come on… I know you saved it so we could watch it together. Come spend some time with me?”

Usually the prospect of spending time with Geralt got Jaskier moving. No such luck this time.

Jaskier ignored him as he remained unmoving in bed. He knew what Geralt was doing, but he really wanted to be alone right now. If he ignored him, Geralt would get the hint and give him some space.

At least, that is what Geralt usually did, but for some reason today was different.

“I’ll go get it set up,” Geralt offered as he walked away. Geralt frowned in confusion. That usually worked. Maybe this was more serious than he thought? He waited a few minutes then shuffled back to Jaskier’s room. He peeked his head in to see if Jaskier was still under the covers.

Jaskier groaned internally when he heard Geralt enter the room and felt the familiar dip of him sitting on his bed. Geralt rubbed his hand over Jaskier’s back in what was meant to be soothing, and normally would have been, but today it made his skin crawl.

“Do you… need to talk?” Geralt suggested. “I know I’m not very good with emotions, but I can listen?”

Jaskier felt irritation bubble up in him. He grit his teeth as he attempted to keep his cool. He knew Geralt was only trying to help. “I’m. Fine. I just want to be alone.”

Geralt continued to rub his back “soothingly”. When Yennefer said she wanted to be alone she actually didn’t. She really wanted Geralt to stay and just sit quietly next to her until she was ready to talk. Geralt could do that for Jaskier. “Okay, but… if you want to talk... I’m here.”

Jaskier’s irritation continued to well up in him as Geralt remained sitting next to him. He couldn’t hold it back anymore. He sat up, pushing Geralt’s hand away from him. He yelled in anguish as he threw his pillow across the room, “I want to be alone! Can’t I fucking be alone for once?! I don’t want to talk! I don’t need to talk! I just wanted to be alone!”

Geralt watched as Jaskier stomped out of his room and into the living room. Geralt felt a pang of hurt in his chest. He had only wanted to help. He knew Jaskier was hurting in some way, and wanted him to feel better. He followed him into the living room. Jaskier was sitting on the couch with a blanket pulled over his lap.

Jaskier glared at Geralt as he entered the room. He threw a cushion across the room, “You want to watch this movie so fucking bad? Let’s watch this fucking movie!”

Geralt tried not to feel hurt. He had accidentally pushed Jaskier in his attempt to help, but the hurt must have been visible on his face.

Jaskier sighed, running his hand over his face, “I’m sorry I just… I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I know you were only trying to help…”

Geralt shook his head, “You want to be alone. I’ll leave you alone.”

Anger coiled in Jaskier’s chest. Geralt was giving him what he wanted, but it was too late. Being alone wouldn’t fix his feelings now. Tears filled his eyes, rolling down his cheeks one after the other. He clenched his jaw and looked around the room. He needed something but didn’t know what. He wanted to throw something. Break something. Nothing was nearby that he wouldn’t regret doing damage to later.

Jaskier huffed indignantly. Feelings of anger and resentment toward Geralt filled him. Emotions he knew were unjustified, but he couldn’t stop himself from feeling it. He allowed himself to cry, hoping it would help quell his emotions. It didn’t.

Jaskier sulked back to his room. He didn’t bother closing the door. He knew Geralt would want to check on him. To make sure he wasn’t hurting himself. If he left the door open then Geralt could peek in without disturbing his attempt to recenter himself.

Jaskier sat angrily on his bed. He didn’t feel like laying down anymore. He didn’t know what he felt like doing. He grabbed a journal and decided maybe scribbling his emotions would make him feel better.

He heard Geralt walk by the door. He stopped in the doorway, “...what are you doing?”

Jaskier mumbled his reply in an attempt not to scream, “Nothing.”

Geralt nodded then walked away.

Jaskier scrawled in his journal more forcefully. He felt guilty he had made Geralt feel bad. He was angry he felt this way. Angry that he didn’t know how to feel better. He was angry at Geralt. He was angry at himself for being angry at Geralt. His throat hurt from having screamed earlier.

Jaskier clenched his jaw as he heard Geralt walk past his door. A few moments later he walked by again. Then again.

Jaskier huffed when Geralt walked by for the fourth time, “You aren’t helping!”

Geralt looked like a kicked puppy, “Sorry…”

Jaskier felt overwhelming guilt and anger as Geralt walked away. Guilt for making Geralt feel bad, and anger that he couldn’t just be mad without hurting Geralt.

He contemplated stuffing down his emotions and putting on a fake smile. Telling Geralt everything was okay so Geralt would feel better, but the idea of that made him sick to his stomach. He didn’t want to fake at being okay. Why should he?

He heard Geralt working on some project in the living room. Alone. A stab of guilt pierced Jaskier’s chest. He should go in there and spend time with Geralt.

That was the problem though. The whole reason why he was feeling this way. Because he didn’t want to spend time with Geralt. Not yet. He had wanted some time alone, but now that he had it he felt shitty about it. He had to do something shitty to get his alone time. He hated it.

Jaskier scratched out his emotions in the journal, ignoring the sound of Geralt in the other room. Geralt was fine. Geralt didn’t mind being alone. He had only wanted to make him feel better. He had only been worried. Geralt was fine.

Jaskier sobbed. He was still angry. He didn’t know how to fix it. He didn’t want to be alone anymore, but he also didn’t want company. He wanted to not exist. He stalked angrily to the living room and plopped down on the couch.

Geralt glanced up from his project, but tried not to acknowledge Jaskier.

Jaskier grit his teeth. He didn’t want to ask. He wanted Geralt to just know what he needed even though he didn’t know himself. “Zombie movie,” he grunted.

Geralt stood up quickly and turned on the tv. He recognized from his own experience that Jaskier was feeling nonverbal at the moment. He sat at the other end of the couch, giving Jaskier his space. Jaskier didn’t feel like cuddling so he was okay with that.

They watched the movie, and Jaskier felt a bit better. Not completely, but it was something. The two were quiet as they got ready for bed. It had been a shitty day emotionally. Jaskier could only hope tomorrow would be better.

#the witcher #jaskier #geralt #panerato writing #hurt no comfort #not a feel good fic #modern au

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jadestrange · 3 years

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Death.. it’s not what you think

I don’t know why but ever since I was a child I was soulfully drawn to a character in a drama series I’m to embarrassed to mention the name - She said somehow she’d always known she would die young and indeed she did.

Ever since I’ve never really managed to let it go. I contemplated death from an incredibly young age and I’ve never really known why. No one close to me had even ever died when I was a child, yet death and the concept of the non-existence was constantly on my mind.

I recall for some reason I always thought about it every time we would drive through this one curve of the road near my grandparents home that would trigger it. Every time they drove past it on the way to drop me off at home I would immediately imagine non-existence, something I possibly couldn’t grasp. For some reason “nothingness” terrified me.

Death seems to be motif throughout my life, but to an abnormal degree. Ever since I could cognitively dream, I had only and ONLY had lucid nightmares. I was aware. But never fully in control. If I screamed, my voice disappeared. If ran I’d move in slow motion. If I covered my eyes from gore or horror my hands and eyelids would turn transparent. I think about the age of 5/6 I finally managed to gain enough control to do one thing and one thing alone…Kill myself

It was the only escape. The simulated pain of death within a dream was much more bearable than the nightmares themselves - even though I experienced genuine pain while doing it sometimes.

One time in particular there was nothing to kill myself with. No tall building. No bridge. No water. No knife. Nothing…

but a wall

So I ran

over

and over

smashing my face into my wall - until I woke up.

I felt it all

In fact recently I had a similar lucid nightmare.

The problem with lucid dreams is that the deeper you go the more real and tactical they feel... and the more you feel.

I often recall ever tactical piece of physical items in my dreams, analyzing them with my hands and fingertips in awe, amazement and sometimes fear at how real they felt. There was no physical telling in the difference between the dream and reality itself. Only the conscious tells whether it is or isn’t a dream - normally due to the absurdity of their nature.

In this Dream people or things were chasing me. Fear pure fear. I don’t know why. But all I knew was that THAT emotional pain was so unbearable that the risk of the pain of jumping headfirst off a bridge was worth it. I took a moment, feeling the scratchy grit of the cold metal poles of the bridge railings inside my sweaty palms. ‘This felt real’ I knew it. ‘But I had to’, it was the only way to escape. I was no longer in the lucid state of being able to control my environment only myself. I had to fight every instinct any real person would jumping head first into the low ground, the only difference was that little shred of hope - that maybe - just maybe I would wake up from the impact before I could feel anything.

I wonder if that’s what people who jump off buildings think as they’re falling down and there’s no turning back - that maybe - just maybe - they’ll die before they feel any true pain.

I paused writing this. A sudden chilly reminder came over me of a boy who momentary lost his sanity and indeed jumped head first down the stairs and indeed died. My friend saw it... I just felt a memory of a dream doing the same thing. That was weird.. I’m moving on

So right death. Another theme I carry is the need to resolve things with everyone and anyone I have encouraged to the point that it is either annoying or maddening for other people.

I guess I felt and still feel like I’m in a perpetual awareness of my death possibly arriving on tomorrows door.

Or perhaps I just want to feel lighter, because everything else, all the hidden things were too heavy to carry on their own. Like a camel’s back I could handle no straw - or more yet not even a feather.

I guess that makes me rather pathetic in other people’s eyes. But perhaps those are normally the eyes of someone who has not felt that weight.

I’m aware that a kg/ton of feathers is the same as a kg/ton of straws ( a metaphor for different the forms of pain if you didn’t catch that) - but how strong are the camel’s legs? How wounded are they? How well nourished were they since they were born? Are they loved or lashed?

Perhaps the weight may seem the same to outsiders eyes however - how it feels internally cannot be seen but merely felt by those who themselves have experienced it or at least something very similar.

I think I have a very confusing and troubling relationship with Death. On one side it always made me aware of the appreciation of my existence (the physical world, emotions, senes, conceptualization)

But on the other side it always came with an impending sense of constant pressure to fulfill my deeds and “pay my debt” in some sense. perhaps that’s not the right way to say it. More like “do the best I can” you know? Leave your mark on the world, give something back, make a positive impact as your farewell.

Which could either be unrealistic or perhaps it is just my assumption how grander that impact has to be. Something big. Something that says “The carbon footprint left by this one was worth it” haha.

Is that silly? Is that normal? Do other people feel this way or is everyone right about me? That I put too much pressure on myself.

Which too within itself seems to be a contradiction since society itself, friends, family, work, reputation, sustainability all requires pressure.

Some say I over think. While I think others under think.

Which is funny - considering I once had a lectuer tell me I was under thinking a script concept when in reality he was under thinking and unwilling to assume it had any more nuances or complexities that was an incredibly difficult topic to tackle.

It’s funny how sometimes you can seem stupid when you try explain something complex because the jargon and general context / information you’ve build up over time seems so obvious to you. Without that context your explanations can become muddled - since they would require a lot of time to give the context.

Quantum Physics for example. I remember trying to explain the concept to my friends in high school. It seemed… crazy - ridiculous - stupid - pseudo. In a strange retaliation my ex BFF went to the science teacher and queued it to come back to our group to tell me I was wrong (after we all agreed to have dropped it by the way).

I of course responded “Yes because a person who’s literally only studied a high school’s equivalent of physics would have the knowledge of a field way beyond her years and degree”

Eh.. School. Not so much friends. More just the people you settle for. Looking back all my relationships were pretty toxic - aside from one. I wrongfully teased my one friend for having hairy legs once and I still feel really bad about it today, in fact I messaged her a few years ago about it saying sorry.

But what the rest did to me… was.. ah.. definitely not on the same scale. I was betrayed a lot.

I got use to betrayal from a young age. Families seem to think it’s funny to undermine things that are important to children. It’s like they seek joy from it, I think they think it’s fun for the kids but it’s not.

Having your secrets shared between your family and laughed at as a child is.. betrayal. Being neglected, left in unsafe or unhealthy hands, unjustifiably disciplined … physically disciplined - are all betrayals.

I got accustomed to it. Silence was the way. Never tell anyone anything. People don’t help you anyway. In fact they often use it against you. Or worse undermine your pain.

It was strange.. I was clearly bullied. Yet I was the one who got sent to a shitty - oh lets just distract you for a bit but not really do anything- school councilor.

Death… mm. death death death. I understand the contemplation at around the time I started school, but why when I was like little little? Why have I always been crushed so easily?

Why was I always a target?

Did I want pity? no.. maybe sometimes (not that THAT ever worked - but no mostly it is was genuine emotion and debilitating pain. Crying. Freezing. Hyper-ventilating.

I wonder if I did it to myself. Had I done something so outright bizarre that deemed my the school target? What it cause I was a year younger? Was the shame of teachers shouting at me due to my ADD in front of my class.

Or was I just Overly Empathetic? I remember my first day of school…. the teacher shouted at a girl next to me and I started crying - she in turned shouted at me for crying.

Despite being broke now I did have money as a kid. Not like the rich kids of the school but, I had lunch money. Maybe that was it. I shared it too often maybe?

Was I too honest? Too weird? Too much of a push over? It was everything I had every been taught to my by mother’s side of the family. The family I mostly grew up in.

It’s quite sad. My mom could write a way better book full of funny characters and bizarre relatives like a movie - all the drama - the comedy. She started writing - it was good too. But she was too tired from work and stopped.

I think it’s sad because my stories aren’t funny.. just sad. Maybe with some beautiful moments (although the best ones would be indescribable). I think hers would have been better. A story a woman overcoming a broken abusive family and poverty who worked her way to the top of owning her own company.

Inspiring.

While mine just feels like a bummer… maybe that’s just because it isn’t finished yet.

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disaster-fruit · 4 years

Note

and I know it's unfair because I haven't answered the ask yet but you're Brazilian so you know way more than me but I'd love to hear your thoughts about Imperial Brazil?? I'm really struggling with him bc i know about him in this era more from a portuguese perspective.....

YOU THOUGHT I WOULDN’T ANSWER THIS HUH

Sorry for taking so damn long audshdf I was saving this ask to do a real deep dive into the whole empire with a lot of historical explanation and a lot of detail buuuut I was having some trouble coherently organizing my thoughts about Pedro II’s reign so instead I’m gonna use this ask to more loosely talk abt the first half of the empire. You’ve seen my basic thoughts on the second half on that other post, so now I’m gonna ramble mostly about 1808-1840.

Also, hm, this is LONG. It’s embarrassingly long. I hope you have time.

And yes 1808-1822 is not part of the empire, but Brazil was no longer a colony in practice during those years, and I think they were crucial to his development as a person.

Before 1808, Brazil pretty much grew up alone. His mother was around less and less, and he had no friends. Portugal was, as we already know, a shitty dad. Up to that point, he was not only absent but also very controlling. He never allowed Brazil or his people to learn how to read, Brazil wasn’t allowed to have libraries or universities or newspapers or even print. Portugal alienated Brazil both from his mother and from Port himself. He was forcefully kept from developing his own ideas, and his growth was stagnant – even physically. The way I see it, after 300 years he was still a small child, while the others around him were already growing into teenagers even though they were younger in actual numbers. Portugal literally kept him from developing as a person, by force.

But suddenly, Portugal needed him. Suddenly, he showed up at his shore, with hundreds of people, and objects, and books. And though Portugal desperately needed Brazil at that time, his king couldn’t be there with Brazil being like that. That land with no cities and no libraries and no economy no nothing because he was forced to have nothing.

He starts growing really, really fast, and forcefully again. And it was a painful process – his people were being kicked out of their houses so that the people that arrived from Portugal had where to live. In a few years, he grew almost as fast as humans did. But it was still an incomplete growth – most of his people were still living in misery, but now he had a structured state that allowed him to more firmly fit into what a nation means. But it all happened so fast he was… dizzy.

And that was all combined with what was happening in his relationship with his father. They had both gotten much closer now that Portugal was physically there more often. I think Portugal is considerably less shitty to Brazil during these years, both because he needs him and because he is a relief from everything going on in Europe. But that doesn’t mean he became a good dad, but also Brazil was a lot smarter now, a lot freer, and quick to realize something that had always been true – Portugal needed Brazil more than Brazil needed Portugal. Much more.

The fact that he wasn’t a colony anymore but wasn’t quite independent, and thus still had to obey Portugal to some degree, started to annoy him. This has quite a bit of teenage rebellion element into it, but that doesn’t mean it came from unjustified anger. Not at all. His pride and ego were starting to really develop. The king of Portugal liked him better than he liked port himself, Brazil was heaven on earth, Brazil was rich, Brazil was full of potential, Brazil was great, Brazil was paradise, Brazil was not his own.

And that just keeps building.

And when Portugal starts talking about making him a colony again. After all that shit about the being a united kingdom, about Portugal being his father and trying to get close to him, of seeing him as a refuge and a relief, after all of that connection I think Portugal genuinely tried to build with him, the ugly truth is bare again – Portugal never saw him as worthy of equal footing, never saw that united kingdom as anything but temporary, never saw brazil as anything more than a colony.

And Brazil is mad.

When he found out the plans of Pedro I to declare independence, he’s more than happy. He’s been thinking of it for a while, and I think maybe deep down he didn’t love the idea of another Portuguese man being his boss, but Pedro had grown up in brazil, dude was carioca at heart, his wife was wonderful, Brazil could work with that. He declared independence, fought against Portugal, won, still had to pay for his independence, but, at last, he got it.

I think in a way Brazil’s anger, as righteous as it was, did blind him to what was going on. He wanted so bad to get rid of Portugal and avoid going back to how it was when he was a colony, that he waved away or even approved things that really just kept him stuck in the same place. Very little actually changed for most people, and as someone who literally represented all the people, he knew that and could feel that, but he was still so euphoric personally about it that he… ignored it.

Pedro I’s reign was… messy. He needed a constitution, he got into a war with Argentina, everyone was talking about who Pedro was fucking, it was just a whole mess. For that reason, I think despite declaring his independence, brazil remembers Pedro as being mostly an irresponsible asshole who couldn’t keep it in his pants and was too busy being a playboy to rule this country yet still managed to be authoritarian and also made him lose Uruguay. And when it came time for him to choose Brazil or Portugal, just like his father, he chooses Portugal.

That was a blow on his ego. Brazil at this point was still just a teenager, who had in two decades grown insanely fast for a nation, has been told by each king his land was heaven on earth and so much richer than Portugal, yet no one was willing to choose him. Ever. He was still an afterthought. Like a colony, that still had a metropolis. Pedro left him with a 4-year-old, with a government disorganized, and no money.

And then the Provinces start to rise up.

So, hm, a quick background on how I see the provinces: Some of them existed since around 1530, some were younger and some weren't around yet, and if Brazil first appeared representing the people that were born in this new colony, the provinces were much more… administrative and political. Yet many of the ones that were around grew much faster than Brazil – they were already teenagers or even adults by independence. They had always responded directly to Portugal and for a long time saw no connection between themselves or between them and Brazil. The idea of “Brazil” was only like… 100 years old, even less than that. And some of them were not loving being attached to those two kids – Brazil and the baby emperor. They saw the weak government of the regency as a chance to rise up and declare their own independence, as many who started as provinces around them had – like Uruguay.

The regency lasted 9 years, but I think those few years were also crucial to form Brazil as a person, due to how stressful they were. Think about it, he saw what was happening around him, with Spain’s former colonies. And I think he for the first time had to grapple with the very human existential fear of death.

If each of his provinces became their own country, would he still be around? Would he just become… Rio? But Rio existed as a province too. Would he just… be a lot of different countries? Probably not. He would probably disappear. He had only just started to be allowed to live, but that could be taken away at any moment. Uruguay and Rio Grande do Sul succeeded in getting their independence. How long until the others? It was quite terrifying. And I think that experience not only made him averse to the idea of being a republic in general at the time, but also created a lot of emotional and psychological problems for him, a lot of insecurity, as well as it made him realize he was nothing. There was nothing to justify his existence. He couldn’t say he existed because he wanted freedom or republic, he had none of these, plus it was something the provinces too could have. What united that land? What made him him? Those were all questions that would haunt him for the rest of the empire, and he would soon be more than willing to go after and accept easy answers. That’s how he gets to that whole indianismo think I talked about some time ago.

He fights his own provinces, on people, countless times. Revolts that really were like civil wars kept popping, and he, who was just a teenager, had to fight to oppress his provinces and force them into being a part of him, for a reason he himself didn’t know. He couldn’t explain why they should be a part of him, except that they were and he wanted them to be and he wanted to live. And he didn’t know why.

In summary, this whole period was one of fear, and insecurity, and doubt. It shook him profoundly as a person more than as a country. Because once Pedrinho was in power, things were quick to stabilize and it was, in some ways, as if those revolts had never happened, but Brazil remembered them, he lived through them, and never really forgot that fear.

If the regency was marked by external peace and internal turmoil, Pedrinho’s reign was one of relatively internal peace and external turmoil. Pedro II was… a complicated figure. Most Brazilians today regard him as an excellent ruler and a wise man, but I at least can’t be this optimistic about the man who insisted on the Paraguayan war, refused to abolish slavery for decades, and basically laid ground to a lot of the problems we still have today, like bad distribution of land and late industrialization. He didn’t do all that by himself, of course, a lot can be blamed on the senate, but he was the most powerful man on the country, and he receives way too much credit for his personal beliefs of being an abolitionist and a pacifist. Maybe he really was both these things, but that doesn’t change the fact that he didn’t use his power to end slavery and avoid war, quite the opposite. And why is that important here? Because I think brazil, the tan, was also fooled by it. He quickly bought into the narrative that Pedro II was this wise incredible man, and overlooked all the ways he kept the worst structures of the country untouched in order to not upset the elite that kept him in power. Brazil wanted nothing but stability and power, and Pedro, looking like the opposite of his father at the surface, brought that. There were no more separatist movements or civil wars once he rose to power, Rio Grande do Sul was reabsorbed, and the years that followed were ones of relative prosperity, and all of that really made brazil more and more attached to the whole concept of the empire. I think just like he was willing to ignore a lot of things during independence for the sake of it, here too he ignored all the ways Pedro II held him back so that he could fully feel the pride of being a powerful empire.

Brazil really did like being an empire during that time. The narrative of the empire was one that answered the question that haunted him for so long – what justified his existence. Justifying it, in the 19th century, is what I believe to be the main motivation underlying everything he did and thought. And the narrative was that the empire guaranteed stability and avoided civil wars and fragmentation, allowing Brazil to be, to quote José Bonifacio, “This majestic and solid piece of social architecture from the Prata to the Amazonas”, and again, all that in comparison to his neighbors that were constantly drowning in civil wars and fragmenting. For stability and that justification, he was willing to turn a blind eye to anything else.

So he rose from the regency feeling stronger than ever. Pedrinho had put everything into place, he was growing, he had a Brazilian in power for the first time, his coffee was going well, and he had survived. Many of his neighbors hadn’t, or at least not in the sense of managing to keep their territories intact. He did. His neighbors were unstable, with wars and coups and wars (like he hadn’t just had exactly that), he was stable and growing and he was the strongest. Once free of the fear of being destroyed from the inside, his ego grew once again, and he felt good. He felt pride in being a big strong and centralized empire, and to look down on the other Latin Americans and even on his father. He was ready now to make his power and influence spread, as an Empire.

That's it, sorry if this is both ridiculously long and also a mess, I have way too many thoughts about imperial brazil and I could've probably written ten more pages of it and still have something to say. Also I'd still love to hear your thoughts on the empire for a Portuguese perspective, because I genuinely have no clue what that would look like. But anyway hmm I hope this was fun?

#ask #sorry this is so goddamn long but come on yall know me at this point i cant and wont shut up #long post #hcs

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themuffinbee · 4 years

Text

Lore Olympus Novelized, Chapter 3

First Chapter - Previous Chapter

This chapter was a challenge for me since we see Persephone wake up three different times in chapters 4, 5, and 6. So, to keep at least some form of chronological sense, I'm taking parts of the chapter 6 scene and splicing them into chapters 4 and 5. Otherwise, the events would have been all out of order. Hope you all still enjoy it!

Again, this is merely an unofficial fan-adaptation. All plot and dialogue belong to the talented Rachel Smythe :)

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“I need to talk to her,” Hades announced as he straightened his cufflinks. However, his confidence faltered just as quickly as it had appeared. There was one problem with that plan. "But, she's with Artemis--"

"Who passionately hates you!" Poseidon laughed, clapping Hades on the back.

Hades glared at his brother. "Wow! Really, Poseidon? I hadn't noticed!"

Looking back into the crowd, he found the Goddesses of Spring and the Moon laughing and dancing out of time with the music. Somehow, Persephone looked even more radiant when she smiled, the sight of it almost enough for him to feel slightly less sour towards her surly companion. Almost. Two hundred years of Artemis' unjustified grudge had cemented his poor opinion of the Huntress. After all, the whole Orion thing wasn't his fault, he was just doing his job. If she wanted someone to blame, she should look to that asshole brother of hers. Of course, she hadn't taken it too well when he had raised that very valid point.

Yeah, she was going to be a problem.

"Okay, okay, okay.” Zeus sent a smirk in his direction. “I've got a plan."

Hades kept his eyes on the rosy goddess. "Hit me."

"I'll distract Artemis. While I'm doing that, you go talk to Persephone."

"Perfect."

Oh, that was right. There was a reason why he put up with his youngest brother. It was for times like these when Hades required a more…crafty...solution.

"What do I do?" Poseidon asked, pointing at himself.

Hades cast an uneasy glance at Zeus. Poseidon tended to have good intentions most of the time, but his help was often anything but helpful.

"Errrr…stay here and drink a beer?" Zeus suggested.

"I'm on it."

Oh, thank the gods.

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"... And so I punched him in the face, and that was that!" Artemis finished her story with a proud grin and Persephone hid a laugh behind her hand.

It had taken a while, but she was beginning to feel a little more at ease among the crowd. She was just another face in a massive swarm of people, which wasn't so bad. Back when she had that accident earlier with the guy and the drink and all that, no one had pointed or stared. Hardly anybody had even spared a glance at her. Everyone here was too focused on having a good time to take note of her, which, you know, made total sense at a party. It had been a relief at the time, but being invisible to everyone around her wasn't great either.

"Hello, Artemis. You're looking splendid, as always," said a voice smoother than silk.

Persephone looked up to see Zeus, King of the Gods, standing behind her friend with a hand on her shoulder and a smug smile on his face. Persephone nearly choked on her drink, she hadn’t expected to see him so soon.

Artemis smiled. "Hey, Zeus. Great party!"

'Zeus?' She called her father by his name? It wouldn't be entirely out of the ordinary with Artemis' personality, but Persephone wondered if it had more to do with Zeus' preferences over those of her friend.

Weird.

Zeus' smile became an irritating smirk. "Word on the street is your marksmanship is excellent, but your brother's is second to none."

"Says who?!" Artemis' eye twitched and she jabbed her father in the chest. "I want to settle this right now!"

Wow, Persephone had known the Goddess of the Hunt was competitive, but she had never seen her so fired up. Still, this didn't seem like a good venue for an archery competition. Persephone would just have to wait for Artemis to calm down and then...go back to not talking to anyone else, she guessed.

Just then, she felt a hand on her own shoulder as a voice said close to her ear, "Hey, kiddo. Wanna have some real fun?"

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Hades stalked back to the glassed-in suite, fingers fidgeting like mad with the scrap of paper in his pocket. He should have known. He should have known. The Fates must had decided this would be a shitty night no matter what he did, and for him to have tried to change it was a stupid move on his part.

What was even more stupid was how angry he felt about the whole damn thing. The red hue gathering around the edges of his vision and the bluish glow of his reflection told him his control was starting to slip. All those crystal-clear windows were liable to start cracking from here to Tartarus if he didn't get his shit together.

"Yeesh, that's a mood," Poseidon said as Hades pushed through the door. "Strike out already?"

Hades crossed his arms and glared down at his brother. "Worse! I couldn't even find her, it's as if she vanished into thin air!"

He had looked among the throngs of people for a good ten minutes for a glimpse of pink hair or skin, but she was nowhere to be found. The universe could have at least given him the chance to screw things up on his own. Then he would know what her voice sounded like, or if she were as stunning close up as she had been at a distance. Maybe he could have even found out how, in that one moment, she had managed to look even more miserable than him when she had been surrounded by so much merriment.

And now he might never know. The chances of running into the Goddess of Spring in the Underworld were below zero, and it wasn't like Artemis or Demeter would let him anywhere near her when he was topside on Olympus or in the mortal realm.

Gods, he needed a drink. Where had he put that scotch?

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Persephone's head felt…heavy. She leaned against the back of the couch, her empty champagne glass rolling out of her hand and onto the cushion. The darkened room seemed to spin around her, the music from the dance floor now somehow muffled, yet still pounding against the inside of her skull.

Where did Artemis go?

Persephone wasn't sure if she had said the words aloud…or even if she had meant to? Wait. Artemis…she had been with Zeus...and he had said something about…archery? And Artemis' brother? And then that was how she ended up here, with…with Eros. Because he was an archer too…and he was telling her about all the couples he had hooked up while she waited for Artemis. But it had been a while, wouldn't Artemis have finished whatever she was doing by now?

I guess I don't want to be clingy…

"Another drink?" Eros asked with a smile, holding up a glass. His hand seemed to shift from side to side without ever moving.

"I feel…I feel awful." Oh, she heard her voice that time, a dragging sound that was too rounded at the edges. That meant she had said something…right?

Parties were supposed to be fun, but this…this wasn't fun. Eros had seemed nice at first, but now Persephone wasn't so sure she liked him. She wasn't sure if she liked any of this. The crowds, the noise, getting ditched by her only friend...she had thought meeting new people and dancing and drinking would make her feel happier, but now…

Now she felt lonelier than ever.

Persephone shifted deeper into the couch, her foot knocking over one of the several glasses littering the floor. Maybe...maybe if she propped her head on the cushion and closed her eyes, the room would stop spinning. Better yet, maybe she could just take a nap until Artemis was ready to go home.

Home...

I want to go home.

But which one? The one on Olympus she had only lived in for two days? Or...or did she mean the one in the Mortal Realm? The one that was so safe it was suffocating?

She felt a gentle pressure behind her back and under her legs, and soon she was moving. Like, actually moving, which was even worse than sitting still and only feeling like she was moving. She was too nauseous to speak, too tired to open her eyes, too dizzy to--

"I'm very sorry about all of this," she heard Eros say into her ear, yet he sounded so far away. "But, as far as I'm concerned, Aphrodite's word is law."

After that, there was only blessed, lonely darkness.

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Petals sprang from Persephone’s hands as she splashed botanical colors across the hillsides. Roses, crocuses, narcissus, larkspur, lilies, all scattered in a beautiful, chaotic collage through endless fields of green.

“Persephone!” a familiar voice called. “Sweetheart, come here!”

“I’m just finishing up, Mama!” The last of the petals floated away on the wind, and Persephone wondered what would happen if she followed after them. Could she travel through the air like dandelion seeds, bury herself under the dark earth, and spring back up in a cluster of wildflowers? Over and over again? Drifting further away from everything she knew?

Persephone turned away from the hillsides and ran to her mother, a puffy laurel of dandelions forming on her head.

Demeter, tall and stately in her immaculate chiton, cupped Persephone’s cheeks and bestowed a warm smile on her daughter. “You’ve been working very hard, so I got you a present.”

“R-really?!” As strict and disciplined as her mother was, presents were a rare thing indeed.

Demeter put a hand on Persephone’s shoulder and turned her towards their home. “It’s this way.”

“Oh my!” Persephone brought her hands up to the sides of her face. Sitting next to their house was a massive, domed structure of curling wrought iron, whitewashed columns, and panels of gleaming glass. “Is this greenhouse really for me?”

“Absolutely, you’ve earned it.” Her mother leaned towards her with another smile, lilac strands of hair falling in elegant streams over her shoulders. “Don’t just stare at it. Have a look inside!”

Persephone giggled, unable to contain her overflowing joy, and ran through the doors. It was just as lovely on the inside with sunlight filtering into patterns on the ground and the familiar scent of damp earth filling her nose. She breathed in deep to savor the smell, then flung her hands up over her head in one swift motion. Vines of roses climbed up the carved columns, trees sprouted from carefully lined plots and pushed up against the inside of the dome, and blooming shrubs grew in every other free space in a crowd of colors.

Arms crossed in front of her chest, she cast an admiring eye over her work. There was nothing left to do, no more space for her plants to grow. She smiled. “I think I’m ready to leave now.”

She turned on her heel back towards the entrance and froze before she could even take a step. No…that couldn’t be right. Persephone glanced around as her joy transformed into dread. “There’s no door!”

A hot wind ripped through the greenhouse, bringing with it the smell of decay as the cheery, dappled sunlight turned crimson. Her mother stood at one of the windows, green skin bathed in scarlet, wringing her hands while dark shadows pooled under her eyes. She spoke, her tone coddling yet detached, “I took the doors away.”

“Mama, no!” Persephone ran to the window, fingers grappling for any catch or gap along the sill. She looked back to her mother, only to find she had grown to a titanous size, one giant eye peering in through the glass. Tears began running down Persephone’s cheeks as her knees buckled under her, hands going slack against the windowpane. “You don’t have to do this.”

“Persephone, I know this may seem cruel,” Demeter pressed her gargantuan finger opposite of her daughter’s hand, “but it’s for the best.”

“Don’t make me stay in here, I promise to be good!” Persephone’s plea ended in a strangled squeak as her mother’s irises turned dark, melding with her pupils in molten, shifting pools of black. Persephone took a step back, her hand clasped around her mouth so tight that it pushed int her teeth.

“When you’re in here…” Demeter’s voice came from everywhere and nowhere all at once as it echoed off of the greenhouse walls, reverberated through the dirt, beat from beneath Persephone’s ribcage. Oozing blackness spread to cover the entirety of her mother’s eyes, save for bright, glowing pinpricks of ruby light at their centers, “...no one can hurt you.”

The blackness snapped into vertical slits as her mother’s voice exploded through Persephone’s brain, “NO ONE!”

----------------------------------------------------

A low noise droned in her ears, and it took a moment for Persephone to realize it was coming from her own throat. With another groan, this time intentional, she pulled the covers over her head. Gods, what a horrible dream. But that’s all it was, a dream. Just a dream. She wasn’t trapped in some inescapable greenhouse, her mother wasn’t a giantess, and she was safe and sound in her bed on Mt. Olympus. Everything was fine.

She curled her knees up to her chest and froze. No, everything was not, in fact, fine. Wrapped around her were not the comfy, worn covers she’d had for years, but sheets so smooth that they felt unused. She was also still wearing Artemis’ dress from the night before and not her soft cotton nightshirt. Afraid of what she might see, she peeked out underneath the blankets.

Oh no.

Persephone pushed herself upright and looked around with wild eyes. Shadows clung to every corner of the room, filled with dark, angular furniture and the occasional traditional jar or tapestry. The air smelled sharp and crisp like a clear winter’s morning, and the temperature felt almost as cold on her exposed skin.

She drew the covers up to her chest. “W-Where am I?!”

Next Chapter

#my fics #Lore Olympus #Lore Olympus Novelized #Persephone #Hades

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howtodisassembleyourdeviant · 4 years

Text

Once in a Lifetime Ch.5

I can’t find enough RK900 gifs... -_-

"I'm going to go look for them, " Connor looked irritated.

"Has it been five minutes, already?" You regarded him, brow raised. Connor crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against a desk. You both know it hasn't, he probably even set an alarm for five minutes, but every second that went by made him more and more anxious.

"You don't really think Gavin would do anything to hurt Nines, do you?" You finally asked.

"Why not? All detective Reed has ever done is express his dislike for androids, especially Nines and I, " the real question is how you could think otherwise, scoffing at his answer. Were you trying to set him off?

"I don't think you understand Gavin's motives as well as you think you do." Your laugh died in your throat when you met his eyes.

"And you do? Please, tell me what I'm missing." His words had a bite to them that even surprised him, not that he let it show.

"Clearly not your attitude, " you snapped. He should have known aggressive interrogation tactics were the quickest way to shut you down and sour your mood. He knew better than to add fuel to your fire, but he wanted to know why you would trust Gavin, of all people, with Nines and what secrets you were keeping between the two of you. The irritation was likely a result of the terrible news he had gotten from Fowler, mixing with his dislike of the reckless detective that risked his brother's life. You were just trying to help and he was being, as Hank would call it, an "ass". If he wants to get any information out of you, he will have to switch tactics immediately, and possibly back down for now.

"Sorry. I'm just worried."

"I know, just... We all gotta work together on this. You might not believe it, but Gavin does regret how yesterday went down." Connor only huffed out a breath, skeptical of your statement. If so, he has a funny way of showing it.

Gavin and Nines walked back over. Seeing Nines in a different set of clothes was surprising enough, but what really caught you off guard was the juice box he was sipping at. Where did he even get a juice box? How does Gavin know he can have a juice box?

"You two would make shitty parents, " Gavin tossed a small duffle bag, which Connor caught effortlessly. "Those clothes were causing a rash. He also started coughing on the way back. Lucky for you assholes, I know how to care for a kid."

"Shame you don't care for your partners as well." The words were out of Connor's mouth before he even registered they were there. You elbowed him in the side.

"Fuck you, plastic prick!" Gavin looked like he was about to pop off, but decided to storm off in the direction of the break room.

You sighed, "Come on, Nines, we're gonna wait for Connor by the car." You gave him a pointed look before taking the small android's hand and leading him out.

Connor knew what you wanted him to do, as much as he disliked it. He followed after Gavin, finding him leaning against a counter, waiting for the coffee to fill up. The hot headed detective refused to look at him.

"Gavin, I-"

"I don't wanna hear anything from a piece If shit like you, so why don't you just get the fuck out of here, " the man growled, still refusing to look Connor's way. Was that... Were his eyes wet? The android regarded him for a moment, realizing that he didn't know how to handle this. Gavin had never done this before.

"I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT!" The man pushed off the counter, seething. A single tear escaped from his eye, and the realization only seemed to anger Detective Reed further.

"Sorry." Connor murmured, leaving as quickly as possible. Maybe he didn't understand Gavin as well as he thought.

..............

"What about this one?" You held up the shirt for Nines to inspect.

"No." He answered curtly, not even really looking at the shirt. You sighed. Surely shopping for a kid isn't really this difficult. How do regular parents do this?

"You're going to have to choose something, " Connor tried to reason.

"They are too childish." You wanted to bang your head against a wall. It's been almost an hour and they haven't so much as found socks for him.

"You know what, why don't you have a look. We'll be over at the car seats."

"I don't think that's a good idea," Connor's brow was scrunched up in concern. He didn't like Nines being unsupervised when he is defenseless.

"It's fine, this store is specifically for children. They even have security guards at the doors."

"I'm not a child!" Nines exclaimed. He was growing tired of being compared to one.

"We know, but that doesn't change the fact that you are for the time being, so just go find some clothes you can tolerate for a couple weeks and you'll be back to your turtlenecks and trousers in no time." You pinched the bridge of your nose. It wasn't even noon yet and you were already done with this day. "-and Nines, if you don't find something, I will choose for you, and I guarantee you will regret it. If you thought Hank's clothes we're atrocious..." You walked off, not even seeing what the other two were doing. Connor looked to Nines, shrugged, and followed after you.

Nines could do this, he wasn't some helpless kid. Surely he could find something that was at least halfway decent. Looking up, he couldn't help but think that people are stupid. Why would they make the clothes racks so high? Spying a blue sweater, he wanted to see if it was in his size, but he couldn't reach the hanger. After trying to shake it off, he stopped and took a moment, thinking his way around the problem. He tugged down on the sweater a bit before releasing it. It bounced up and off the rack.

Relishing his victory, he was happy to find the sweater was just his size and was soft to the touch. He found some button-up shirts and another sweater, this one in forest green, and even found a black turtleneck. It wasn't much, but his bundle was getting a little heavy. Looking around for the car seat department, he practically jumped out of his skin when a voice spoke from behind him.

"Hi," The little boy shouted from behind him, "my name's Jordan, what's yours?"

"N-Nines, " he shuddered, feeling uncomfortable, holding his bundle a little closer to himself. Conversation was never his strongpoint. Unlike Connor, he only had a basic social interaction program, as they had been working on fine tuning one for him when the revolution peaked. As he was a functional android, he was released without it. He would be lying if he wasn't envious of how easy his brother could make friends.

"That's a funny name. Is it 'cuz you're an android?" The boy blatantly stared at the LED on Nines head. His hands itched to shield the flashing light from the boy's gaze. Are kids usually this... rude? Technically, yes, Gavin had given him his nickname because it was easier than saying RK900, before he had registered a name different from Connor. It was the first sign that their relationship had shifted from animosity to partners. He liked his nickname.

"Jordan?" A woman's voice rang out, prompting both boys to look over to its origin, "Jordan? Jor- oh! There you are! I told you not to run off!" A plump, gaudy looking woman plodded over, spying Nines cowering slightly in his clothes.

"Why, hello there! Jordan, who's your little friend?"

"His name's Nines!"

"I-I see, " she clearly thought his name was weird too. Is this what everyone thought about his nickname? Was Gavin actually being insulting when he started calling him that? No, that didn't make sense. "Are you lost?"

"No, my-"

"Hey Nines! I found something I think you might like!" You came up, Connor right behind you, pushing a cart with several items in it, including the accursed car seat. You spotted Jordan and his mother. "You making friends or causing trouble?" You asked with a smirk.

"Wow, you look just like your fath-..." Jordan's mother's voice trailed down, eyes making contact with Connor's LED. As you took Nine's bundle of clothes and put them in the basket, she could see his LED too.

"Ma'am? Are you alright?" Connor looked to the mother. Her face hardened.

"You should keep your robot on a leash and away from human children! He could have hurt my little boy!" She snarled, grabbing her son and yanking him against herself. You instinctively took Nines and pulled him behind you, squaring your shoulders.

"Only thing hurting your child is your bigotry. Nines' is free to go wherever he wants, and I'm not gonna let some ignorant bitch tell him otherwise! You don't want your son talking to androids, maybe you should keep him on a leash. Already raising him to be close-minded, might as well confine the rest of his world. Now, if you excuse us, I need to go wash the taste out of my eyes." You kept Nines close to you as you walked past, arm across his shoulder, as if you expected the woman to lash out, and from the look on her face, it wasn't exactly unjustified.

"Least I didn't havta buy my man, " the woman mumbled when she thought she was out of earshot.

"Could have fooled me from all that make-up you're wearing. Old hag." You'll be damned before you let that bitch have the last word. The woman took her son's hand, dragging him away.

"Bye, Nines!" Jordan shouted, immediately being reprimanded by his mother.

When she was gone, you dropped down, looking Nines over.

"She didn't hurt you, did she?" Nines shook his head. Not many people harassed him for being an android in his old body. His stony face and piercing gaze kept most away. Even criminals cowered from him. Matter of fact, only Gavin had taunted him, but he saw it more like a small dog trying to act tough, more adorable than annoying. It was... Upsetting to experience this first hand. He also felt bad for Jordan, to be raised in such an oppressive environment.

"No, she didn't do anything. Can we go home?" you checked him once more before you conceded.

"Alright, " you guided him to the cash register, Connor following with the cart behind. Nines was trying so valiantly not to cry, biting his lips as he quietly sobbed. Unable to stop yourself, you hoisted him into your arms, balancing him on your hip while pressing his head into the crook of your neck.

"Shh, shh, shh, shh... You're alright... It's okay..." You spoke gently, rubbing his back soothingly. Nines hid his face against you and weeped.

Connor unloaded the cart, watching the interaction. He was mesmerized. It seemed so natural and if he didn't know better, he would have thought he was watching a nurturing mother comforting a troubled child. He didn't even hear when the teller told him the total.

"Sir?"

"Right." He snapped out of his thoughts, placing his hand on the palm reader and confirming the transaction. He couldn't believe how much everything totaled to. Kamski will be reimbursing him.

You continued to console Nines as Connor set up the car seat.

"I want my old body back, " he whimpered against you, so softly it broke your heart.

"I know, sweetheart, I know. We'll get it back for you, I promise, " Connor nodded to you, informing you that he was finished, "come on, let's go home." Gently, you placed him in the car seat, fastening him in. Nines wiped at his face, trying to calm himself. Before you backed out, you reached for the center console, pulling out a small packet of wet wipes.

"Look here, " his eyes met yours, watching as you smiled at him, softly wiping his cheeks, the coolness of it felt good to his flushed cheeks, "you know, he must like you, the little boy you were with. Why else would he blatantly disobey his mother?" He nodded. That is true, Jordan did say goodbye to him. Surely, he had to know that would upset his mother.

"Why does she hate us?" He asked.

"People always have their own reasons, some self-justification why they are the way they are. We will probably never know why, " his head fell forward, disheartened, but you took his chin in your hand and made him look back at you, "but don't believe that everyone is like that, and people change. You should understand that better than anyone, " you grinned knowingly. Nines cheeks heated when he realized what you were insinuating, cracking a small smile. You ruffled his hair, watching him fight to fix it before climbing out and shutting the door. Connor was standing next to you.

"You're really getting the hang of this, " he smiled, leaning down and kissing your cheek.

"Thanks, " you blushed, "we still need to get to the grocery store. We better move quickly, his model requires an afternoon nap or he'll get cranky."

#rk800 connor reader #Connor fanfiction #connor x reader #rk900 nines #reed900 #DBH #Detroit Become Human #Gaming

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maddie-grove · 4 years

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Little Book Review: Mansfield Park

Author: Jane Austen.

Publication Date: 1814.

Genre: Classic literature.

Premise: Fanny Price, the sickly eldest daughter of a poor retired naval lieutenant and his once-genteel wife, is brought to live with her wealthy relatives at age ten. Although most of them are not actively malicious, their general superiority and selfishness put her in a perpetual state of anxiety. The only exception is Edmund, her thoughtful first cousin who dreams of being a clergyman. Then the scandalous Crawford siblings, irreverent Mary and womanizing Henry, roll into the village and shake everything up.

Thoughts: I didn’t expect to love Fanny Price. I expected to feel bad for her and find her unobjectionable; I don’t really understand the impulse to actively hate put-upon, not particularly colorful heroines. But I didn’t anticipate that she’d become one of my favorite Austen heroines. She’s not stupid, or boring, or even that unreasonable in her moral judgments. In fact, she’s one of the smartest Austen heroines. Accustomed to witnessing people on their worst behavior thanks to her low and uncertain status, she’s the only one to take Henry Crawford’s defects seriously. He’s callous in his flirtations, bordering on cruel, and he blames the women he hurts for their lack of character instead of acknowledging his own faults. His pursuit of Fanny even starts as a joke, one that seems especially mean-spirited in light of her dependence, poverty, painful shyness, and physical frailty. (That’s like if Jim from The Glass Menagerie knew all along that he was supposed to be a Gentleman Caller but thought it would be fun to torment some girl with an anxiety disorder and a bad foot. What the fuck, Henry.) Once the joke becomes real and he falls for Fanny, though, everyone (from Fanny’s high-minded but mercenary uncle to the overly fond Mary Crawford to the besotted-by-Mary Edmund to Henry himself) buys the fairy tale of the the bad boy who was reformed by the sufficiently pure and sweet woman. Everyone, that is, except for Fanny, who refuses to throw her (not particularly nice) female cousins under the bus. Who correctly discerns that Henry doesn’t regret his shitty actions. Who doesn’t fool herself that she’s changed Henry in any real way. She withstands enormous pressure from Henry, who enlists the help of her entire family to push her into marriage.

That’s extremely hard, and admirable, and intelligent. I literally do not understand why the popular image of her is so negative. I mean, sure, general misogyny. I think there’s also an expectation that an Austen heroine is going to be witty, which Fanny absolutely isn’t; if she were a Brontë or Eliot heroine, her earnestness and introversion and tendency to stare thoughtfully at trees would play a lot differently. Maybe she comes across as too perfect? I get how people might get that impression, but that’s not how she struck me. Her dislike of Mary Crawford is peevish and unjustified, at least before Mary starts pressuring her to accept Henry’s shitty affections. I don’t say this because I’m less shocked by Mary’s distaste for going to church than Fanny is; Fanny, while pious, understandably seems more concerned that the equally devout Edmund is overlooking the very real difference in values between him and Mary. I say this because Fanny’s hostility is 99% the result of jealousy over Edmund. She knows it, and she feels kind of bad about it, but it’s still there. Ain’t that always the way. She’s also overly judgmental when she goes to visit her much poorer parents and siblings, but (instead of replicating the lack of empathy her own richer relations had towards her as a child) she’s able to gradually understand that her siblings’ behavior is a necessary response to the chaos of the home. I love her so much.

The other characters are great, too, because they’re flawed in such recognizable, human ways. It’s an excellent demonstration of the importance of striving to be kind, patient, and thoughtful, because everyone’s motivations are understandable. Even such a consistently unpleasant character as Mrs. Norris isn’t a melodrama villain. In her indulgence of Maria and (to a lesser extent) Julia, and in her efforts to keep Fanny down, I saw a scared, insecure woman trying to avoid being classified as a poor relation by her sister’s family. Everyone in the wealthy Bertram family is motivated by a desire to avoid inconvenience and challenges to the status quo; Sir Thomas won’t look too deeply at his eldest daughter’s engagement to a wealthy man, Tom and Maria and Julia avoid thinking about the realities of Fanny’s life or showing active kindness to her because it’s not fun, and even Edmund will ignore every troubling incompatibility between himself and Mary Crawford because he’s attracted to her. (Lady Bertram has this whole attitude down to an art; she just wants to get high and hang out with her pug.) Mary Crawford is one of the most fascinating supporting characters. I’m not sure that she’s witty, exactly; she’s funny, and she might be witty in another setting, but her jaded remarks often go over like a lead balloon in the presence of Edmund and Fanny. She can’t, or won’t, modify that part of herself for Edmund. That’s admirable and honest, but it’s also sad when combined with her belief that she can change him into someone who doesn’t want to be a clergyman. She’s both cynical and romantic. And, despite her faults, she’s kind. Her concern over Fanny being left out or berated by Mrs. Norris seems like more than a way to impress Edmund, given her refusal to hide her irreverence. Her worst quality is her wholehearted support of her shitty brother, but I even get that; he’s her brother, even if he’s shitty.

One more thing: there’s a lot of off-kilter sexual energy in this novel, particularly among Fanny, Edmund, and Mary. It’s very weird, yes, but it makes for a fascinating read.

Hot Goodreads Take: I don’t feel like diving into Goodreads discourse on Mansfield Park, so I’m just going to say a few words about the 1999 movie. As a movie, I like it. As an adaptation...folks, that’s not Henry Crawford. That’s a James Dean bad boy who’s capable of remorse and sympathy and humility. Book!Henry is, like, a George W. Bush bad boy. Remember that before you bash Book!Fanny for not wanting to bang him.

#books #reading #little book review #mansfield park #jane austen

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lionheartslowstart · 4 years

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Self-Reflection

Last week I got into a fight with a very close friend of mine. This person (who I will refrain from naming or gendering) and I fight very, very rarely, and our disputes are usually settled fairly quickly. However, this is the first time my friend has asked for space after a conflict, which has me on all kinds of shpilkes. Obviously, despite my nagging urge to send them a very long message that I spent about forty-five minutes crafting, I plan on continuing to give them their space until they choose to reach out to me. They also went out of their way to reassure me that they still love me, and the status of our friendship is intact, which means a lot because they really aren’t obligated to do that, nor did I ask them to. So I feel like it would be extra shitty of me if I refused to respect their boundary.

The fight was weird. I don’t want to get into it for a lot of reasons, but what I can say is that it seemingly stemmed from something an outsider might deem petty and inconsequential, but, upon probing further, it turned out there was more under the surface that I wasn’t even aware of. The person expressed a lot of feelings that, quite frankly, took me by surprise. What does that say about me? I’m not sure. On one hand, I do feel that there was an expectation for me to know exactly how my friend felt, when I wasn’t aware I had made them feel bad at all (beyond the seemingly inconsequential part). On the other hand, I probably should be more aware of my actions and words, as well as how they affect others. I can’t go through life doing and saying whatever I want and just assume that if someone has a problem with me, they’ll tell me. And not just because some people might have issues expressing themselves for whatever reason. More importantly, I don’t want to be the kind of person who just flails around wildly and when I accidentally upset someone I’m just like “oops my bad.” I want to actively be a better person, and part of that is putting more thought and awareness into my every day behaviors.

Awareness and reflection in regards to the self are two things I discuss a lot, both on here and in my daily life. I’m a firm believer that self-awareness and self-reflection are crucial to personal growth, which in turn is crucial to living a happy and fulfilling life. I’m genuinely disgusted by people who sneer at their worst flaws and say “I am who I am and I’m not going to change.” (I’m talking about massive character flaws like selfishness or dishonesty, not forgetting to put the cap back on the toothpaste or anything like that.) When people talk about themselves in this manner, what I hear is, “I don’t care who I hurt, even if it’s someone I love. It’s their problem, not mine.” I think that is a fundamentally self-centered, and frankly, cruel, way to go through life.

I’m aware that I can sometimes come across as holier-than-thou in my writing, especially when it comes to the progress I’ve made. It’s certainly not my intention to talk down to anyone, but I also won’t apologize for the way I speak about my own journey. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made, and I’ve earned the right to talk about it. But that in no way means I don’t have a lot more growth to do, or that I think expansion of the self-conscious is easy. It most certainly is not. And when presented with situations such as the one I am in presently, I find myself extremely agitated, stressed out, confused, distraught, conflicted, and above all, humbled.

I don’t agree with everything my friend said to me. There are things they accused me of and actions of their own they defended that I feel are unjustified. But do I think my friend is more right than wrong? Yes, yes I do. And it took me a few hours of brooding after reading their last text message to get to that point. It was, and is, hard work to get past my own pride, defense mechanisms, and, especially, trauma, to arrive at a logical and open-minded place where I can truly absorb and reflect on what my friend accused me of. It hurt. It still does. I am still actively fighting against that voice that tells me they’re gaslighting me, or that they’re projecting onto me, or that their perspective is absurd. And while trauma certainly plays a role in that process, I’m not going to use that trauma as an excuse to indulge in it. Not just because trauma recovery, as well as its necessity and impact on interpersonal relationships, is something I’ve written about fairly frequently. But also because this is something people who don’t have any kind of trauma struggle with. This is a basic human flaw, something that seems to be challenging for the majority of people. Or at least it seems that way in my experience. Trauma or no trauma, it is my job to listen to how I’ve made my friend feel without bias, without pride, and without ego. This is someone I love very much, and I would be a shitty friend, as well as a shitty person, if I wasn’t willing to put in the effort to treat them better, and accept that maybe there are times that I don’t treat them as well as I should.

I don’t want to be the kind of person who speaks without thinking and ends up hurting people in the process, which, unfortunately, is who I am right now. I wish that wasn’t true, but I have to accept it if I want to fix it. I fully intend to take this on as my next self-improvement project. This is going to take a lot of effort to change. Effort beyond, “yeah, this is something I know I do, oops.” I need to appreciate the full weight of my words, as well as their implications. And I need to start practicing. Today.

I’m hurt. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m conflicted. I’m ashamed. I miss my friend dearly. Their absence, though it hasn’t been long, sits like a weight on my heart. This person is important to me. I don’t ever want to be the cause of their pain. When they are ready, I fully intend on listening with my whole heart, as well as putting my hubris away to fight another day. I hope that once they reach a place where they feel okay to talk, they’ll do the same. My ego is not worth protecting at the cost of hurting them further. I have to remember that.

#friendship #love #growth #personal #conflict

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howtotrainyouragents · 5 years

Text

Agent H’s Book Reactions

Isle of Blood and Stone by Makiia Lucier

The sudden appearance of two maps unlocks the mystery behind the disappearance of the princes of Del Mar

-It seems mean of me to rant about the bad things about this book because I know it’s not hugely known, from a smaller publisher/author, it’s #ownvoices, and I believe in giving books like this a fair, even generous, chance. But that being said...I have a lot to complain about.

-How- HOW- is it possible to take a book with a such a gripping premise, and make it the most boring book ever?

-Maybe this is just me, but I believe that the story should have started by the time you’re 100 pages in.

-Okay, I think there’s at least one major reason it’s so boring: the worldbuilding gets in the way of the story. This book is a great example of detailed attention to the everyday lives and society of the characters, but there’s just. too. much. of. it. You drop the worldbuilding essentials in the beginning and then you get going with the plot, only stopping to fill in worldbuilding when it’s relevant or when you need to create breathing room. This book drops in worldbuilding factoids literally so often that I started a (nonalcoholic bc I’m responsible) drinking game from it. Like, cool backstory but none of this random shit matters?? Tell me about the maps and the princes, I don’t really care about the society that much when it’s so irrelevant to the plot.

-Oh my goodness, the fact that there’s an entire sequence where Elias almost gets the plague and then doesn’t and the entire thing is not even important to the plot really capture my frustrations with the lost potential of this book. Like, someone ring Chekov, I think I found his gun unused.

-I am so grateful that there were the spirits of Javelin and the sea serpent because otherwise I would have straight up murdered this book for being so boring.

-Maybe this is just my pet peeve, but she switches between using non-contractions for her characters to sound formal, and using contractions to make them sound natural and it’s just really inconsistently done. Please pick one and stick to it; it’ll be less jarring

-I do wish that the book had alternating POV between Elias, Mercedes, and Ulises rather than 95/5/1 split between Elias, Mercedes, and Ulises respectively (which by the way, probably another pet peeve, but that’s a terrible way to split POV. Either keep it to one character or split evenly don’t just randomly jump for like a quarter-chapter and then come back to the main narrator). Like they all had skin in the game and it could have been really interesting to see how this journey is affecting all of them. Elias was not compelling enough to be the main POV. Mercedes definitely was (I wouldn’t have minded if it was from all her POV). Ulises maybe not but he could have if he’d gotten some attention.

-I’m not even sure where to start with Elias. We had one great intro scene of him, and then the next scene he’s literally throwing a temper tantrum to all his friends/mentors/leaders. That got me way off on the wrong foot with him. He’s supposed to be a kind of a rogue and a troublemaker, but his personality is honestly just kinda bland and a little depressing. He’s like top of the game, so there’s no rooting for him. And then he doesn’t do the obvious, right thing by taking Reyna on as his apprentice but hands her off to someone else after there was so much build up. And then like, I know this quest was personal for him, but I feel like Mercedes and Ulises had much more interesting and bigger stakes at hand; I would much rather see them struggle with the implications of this quest then see Elias dance around this and not really struggle with it.

-Look, I get that Mercedes is actually totally an appropriate name for the regional/historical setting, but it’s also an incredibly famous modern name, and this right here is a great example of the Tiffany Problem= the name Tiffany was actually a common Medieval name but it can’t be used in fantasy because it’s too modern looking and would seem unrealistic to the audience. I mean, Lucier, good for you for going for it anyway but it did throw me for a loop (and that’s on me, I knowww)

-Oh cool, so the war against Mondrago was completely unjustified. That’s shitty. They can rebuild the nation, but they’ll never admit the truth and give the people justice. That’s super shitty.

-There’s so many things about this book that made me angry, but the fact that it tried to make me feel sympathetic for Mercedes because one (1) old woman spat at her (and missed her, mind you) is like way at the top. I think Mercedes being half-Mondragan is fascinating (although it’s mitigated by the fact she’s royalty so it’s not like she was ever in danger of discrimination), but we never see her facing the dangers of her ethnicity. The one (1) incident we see is that a woman spat her, and then Elias and Ulises are all up in arms and they all spend the rest of the book being angry about it. Like, I get it, if someone I loved was spat at, I’d feel the same way. But as a reader, you have to make me care. You have to show me the injustice she faces because of her identity (she’s in danger, she can’t get work, she’s not safe outside, take your pick, it doesn’t have to be gritty,). I’m not saying this from a “POC facing racism shows realism” perspective, I’m saying this as a reader, we need her to have real, serious stakes in the game in order for her and FOR US to be invested in her journey. There needs to be some struggle so that there’s satisfaction when the truth is revealed and the Mondragans are innocent (although, see above point). Otherwise. It’s. Just. Boring.

-You can tell the author really really liked Reyna (especially since the second book is about her??), but I really really did not care about her at all. Like I thought she was a sweet kid, but she really did not need to have the plot/emotional/character signficance that she did when 1) it’s super weird having this mature-for-her-age 9 year old amongst all these young adults/adults and 2) more time spent with her meant less time spent with characters who actually mattered, i.e. Mercedes, Ulises, Lord Silva

-I wanted way more of Ulises, but I will conceded that that’s because of my ultimate weakness for royal men.

-Also this book feels the compelling need to spell everything out. Which is annoying but fine except for the one time that it doesn’t spell it out and it should have:

-The reveal of the villain made no sense?? I was sitting in the bookstore cafe and I think everyone was giving me weird looks because I kept throwing my hands up and cursing. IT MADE NO SENSE. Those were the most tenuous clues put together ever, and then Elias doesn’t tell anyone or even the audience. He just decides to ride night and day only to stop at the edge of a cliff and not his actual destination. That idiot. The reveal of the villain helper ALSO MADE NO SENSE, just for the record

-At least the reveal of Elias’ father was obvious and kinda cathartic

-The mystery of the disappearance was also pretty well done and I’ll give her that. It was sad and complicated and I at least kinda understand why the characters made those choices? BUT, there was one thing that I refuse to accept: They expect us to believe that FIVE soldiers took out TWENTY royal guards and kidnapped multiple people??? Like, I get it, the wine was supposed to take everyone out, but if I were planning this kidnapping, I would not take the risk. I’d bring thirty guys just in case. I’m not frightened for the characters with less than half a dozen attackers; bring me the squad and make it a double and then we’ll talk.

-I didn’t hate the romance of the story, which is rare for me and YA, so that’s something

-Despite what this may look like, I didn’t hate this book. I’d recc it to the right person. But I’d spent a long time hoping to read this book, and I think I’m just a little disappointed by the lost potential and super frustrated by the dullness

-Why is it called Isle of Blood and Stone?? Why is the series Tower of Winds??Am I just dumb? Bitch, I might be

#I won't be mean I won't tag this #agent h #agent book reaction #wow I have no mercy #Me; says I won't drag this book and then immediately do #sorry i really am

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almostrealdudes · 5 years

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Data Recovery (Elliot Alderson x fem!OC)

Pairing: Elliot Alderson x Sophia (OC) Word count: 1.4k Warnings: None Summary: I dreamt of you again. I’d tell you all about it, but I think you already know. I think you saw me too. Our dreams are synchronized. Or was it the reality? I can’t tell. Good things are usually not real in my life. I’m used to it. After everything, it’s hard to believe for something that wonderful to be real. But I still want it to be. Tell me you’re real. Please. A/N: And it’s finally here! The story is getting longer than I intended it to be, but the good news is - I’m slowly figuring out the plot of this thing ahahaaha

part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4

Hi. Sorry I kept you in the dark for some time. I needed to clear my head. I figured too much reflexivity would be bad for me. Don’t worry, I’m still skeptical. But if you can’t stop a madman, just let them do what they want, that way it will be over faster.

I want to believe Sophia. I really do. But I can’t. I’m letting her do it her way. Not for her, but for me. I need to prove myself it’s not real. And it’s better to regret something you’ve done than something you wish you’ve done.

We had another date today. If that’s what you want to call it. It was less impulsive. Less emotional. We didn’t kiss. We talked. I think it’s the most normal I’ve seen her. She wasn’t bouncing around or doing anything unpredictable. She’s going to spend the night at my place, to prove a point. Not gonna lie, deep down inside I’m hoping she will convince me. But I really doubt it.

“So, what do you wanna know?”

I told her if we were to do this, she had to tell me more about herself.

“Everything.”

“Didn’t you hack me? Nowadays, it’s all you need to know.”

“I don’t care for that. Besides, it’s obviously fake.”

“Damn. I thought I had a good cover-up.”

“For common users – maybe.”

We’re at the pier. It smells like ocean and rain. If I was superstitious, I’d say Sophia’s mood affects the weather. But that’s impossible, right?

“So?” It’s so obvious she doesn’t want to talk about herself. She keeps avoiding all the questions since the second we met. Too bad cause I’m not backing off.

She looks at me. Her smile is sad. She realizes the conversation is inevitable.

“Who are you?”

“I don’t really know what to tell you.” She looks away, at the ocean, hugging herself. She feels exposed. “I’m nobody. Like millions of others. I eat, I sleep, I pay bills. I rent a shitty apartment in the city center in hopes that the street noise will be louder than my own loneliness. I avoid silence because it makes me think. I work 9 to 5, my friends are people from my work circle who I have nothing in common with but who I still talk to and go out with because I have nothing better to do in my free time. I’ve had a shitty childhood and bad genes, both of which have granted me my current mental record. I’m bipolar, I have anxiety and depression, but this I guess you know already. I stuff myself with medication provided by our healthcare system, which only numbs me more. I don’t have hobbies, I’m not particularly good at anything. I cry myself to sleep. It’s pretty miserable.”

“Everyone cries.”

“No. not crying. My whole life. It’s pathetic. Was.”

She finally looks back at me. Her eyes are watery.

“Elliot, when I met you, I felt my life begin. It received purpose. I’ve never known what purpose even is, I’ve never had one. But now it feels like I do. It feels like my existence finally has meaning. It sounds cliché and stupid, I know. But it’s true. Those dreams I’m having, memories of alternative lives, it’s all I have. I know you’d rather do anything else but listen to me talk about it, but I swear on my fucking life it’s true.”

I watch her eyes shift around my features, looking for a reaction. So that’s her. Little, vulnerable, endlessly sad. Desperate for intimacy, desperate to feel something apart from her everyday suburban suffering. She hates it. We’re a lot more similar than I thought.

“You have to understand how I feel.”

“I do. Your reaction is only fair. My plan was to wait a lot more before telling you. But the way I feel around you – it’s too much to handle on my own.”

Well, at least we can agree on that.

“I know what you mean.”

She smiles, happy with my answer.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom. Please don’t run away, okay?”

“Now that you’ve mentioned it.” I joke. I guess I’m finally feeling comfortable enough. She giggles and stands up. I watch her go to the restroom door. Yeah. I can lie to myself how much I want but we both know I can’t be indifferent to her no matter how hard I try.

“Oh, come on.”

He’s back.

“Yeah, and it’s about damn time! Can’t leave you for even a second, you immediately start making questionable choices.”

“I’ve been quite good until this exact second, actually.”

“Oh yeah, you have. How’s dealing with a lunatic been treating you? Have you finally lost your last bits of sanity?”

“With you here, I probably will.”

“Don’t get this twisted, kid. I’m the only thing that helps you think clearly.”

“Yeah. Talking to my imaginary dead father is really helping my mental health.”

“And talking to her?”

“When I’m with Sophia I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time.”

“She is bipolar! They are fun to have around when they’re at their best, but next thing you know – she’s gonna try to cut herself, or you, what’s worse.”

“She’s taking her meds.”

“Are you defending her? Jesus, haven’t you learned a thing by now? How many people are you going to shield until they stab you from the back?”

“I think you should go.”

“We are one. You know what that means? It means I’m saying what you’re thinking. You’re full of doubts and you just don’t want to admit it because apparently, some crazy fairytale is worth it.”

“Or maybe the only thing preventing me from being happy is me. You, to be specific.”

“This is just an unjustified risk.”

“What is? My happiness? You know, as much as we talk about taking care of me, my well-being never seems to be a top priority.”

“It is. But this is not a way to achieve it.”

“Hey, so you didn’t run after all! That says something.” It’s Sophia.

Mr. Robot had enough spotlight for today. I don’t want to give him any more attention. I’ve been doing great before he got here, you saw it yourself. Wouldn’t you agree I’m better off without him?

“Are you ready to go?”

I am.

“Elliot? What’s wrong?”

I said I am.

Huh?

Can’t she hear me? What’s going on? Where is she looking? Why—

Oh no.

“So you’re Sophia.”

You fucking asshole. Stop it.

“Wh—Eliot, are you high? What happened when I was in the bathroom?”

Don’t.

“How long are you planning on fucking around with him?”

Let me back in, you’re ruining it!

“Enough of this. It’s been fun, but all things come to an end. I’m pretty sure now is a great time to stop this one.”

Don’t, you’ll make her leave!

“Who are you?”

I can see Sophia’s brows frowning. Her gaze has changed. I haven’t seen this before. She’s suddenly so serious, cautious. She can tell.

“Does it matter?”

“Who are you?” Sophia repeats, adding more force to her voice.

“Your dear Elliot calls me Mr. Robot. Too predictable, if you ask me, but I don’t complain. I’m afraid he is way too sentimental to take a sober view of this situation, so I had to step in. I’m here to tell you that we no longer share common interests.”

“You and me – no. But whatever it is I share with Elliot, it’s only his business and mine. I don’t think it concerns you.”

“Whatever concerns Elliot – concerns me too.”

“Does he even want you here?”

No, I don’t.

“Yes, he does.”

“Elliot, if you want me to leave – I will. But if you want me to stay, please tell me.

No.

No, I don’t want her to leave.

I don’t fucking care if she’s right or not, I don’t want her to leave.

I think I can reclaim control, at least a little. I have to.

“Elliot, don’t!”

I manage to grab Sophia’s hand. She finally looks at me. God, finally. I hear Mr. Robot clicking his tongue behind me, but I don’t care about him anymore. If anything, he proved the one thing I couldn’t fully figure out. I can’t bear being away from her.

“Sorry.” It’s all I manage to blurt out. It’s suddenly hard to speak. Everything’s blurry.

“Let’s go home.”

#elliot alderson #elliot alderson x oc #elliot alderson x reader #mr robot #mr robot imagine #rami malek #elliot alderson imagine

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ralfstrashcan · 5 years

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3x13 Reaction / Commentary

Yeah I'm aware, stop judging X___X

I feel the need to point this out. Apparently it's common practice for the Praetor to just, kill off their more troublesome charges. Interesting. But Jordan has a different work ethic which is a) apparently not usual for praetors and b) something at least Nick attributes to his past and not, idk, common decency. Just how savage is the Praetor exactly?? (Also let me add this to the list of things why 3x15 makes no sense at all.)

Okay, so they found another mundane dead by Heidi's hand...... why exactly don't they call the Shadowhunters? Aren't they obliged to? I mean?

True, but it sure as hell is her responsibility how she handles them. But we established already that she has a serious perception problem and always sees herself as the victim.

I mean, prime example, if she could have made that smooth exit through the vent where the werewolves couldn't follow, why didn't she just do that from the start instead of attacking Nick? Because she wants to cause trouble and not just “live her life in peace” as she's pretending to.

More like, he didn't have the guts to face Alec like that. Also does that mean he draped Izzy on the couch like that in that cliché sleeping pose with one hand under the head? At least he took off her boots like a sane person.

“I'm just drained.”

Haha it seems Alec isn't the only Lightwood sibling with a shitty sense of humor.

“I don't have the same preexisting condition.” “You mean my addiction?”

No, Izzy, he obviously means your fashion sense, keep up. Seriously, who wrote that stupid ass line of dialogue.

I found it pretty hilarious that Simon, Clary's literally oldest and bestest friend since kindergarten, feels the need to apologize to Izzy for taking up so much time with his Clary-reunion and blocking the path for her. The Clizzy Energy is Strong.

“Hmmmm hot hot hot Clary, please show me more.”

MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY HAHAHAHA PERFECT

Also, Morningstar.... didn't Val name his dumbass tanker ship in S1/S2 Morningstar? Guy really has it with name repetitions, first Jonathan 1 and 2, now Morningstar Ship and Morningstar Sword... I bet he named all his stuffed teddys Mr Snuffels 1, Mr Snuffels 2, Mr Snuffels 3.....

The way he delivers this line me might've as well said “Please cut out the emotional disgusting bullshit my skin is crawling already from this I can't take any more mushiness PLEASE GO AWAY.” Gotta love Alec.

MAGNUS RAGE PUNCHING THE KEYBOARD IS THE MOST RELATABLE THING I HAVE EVER SEEN

Magnus opening up about missing his magic MY HEART OH MY GOD

(Sidenote though: No wonder he got frustrated with the pretentious Shadowhunter Technology, I mean, look at it. There are only runes. Runes may be called runes, but they don't actually make up an alphabet. Why the heck is there a flexibility rune on the screen? It makes no sense.)

This whole scene (and Izzy's lipstick lol) is absolutely perfect. I love everything about it, especially Magnus and especially Izzy. I'd be really surprised if Magnus didn't find a way to get her that weird root thingy anyway, because he surely doesn't buy the “feeling a lot better now” line.

(Edit: Now thinking about it I realized two things, a) she probably didn't take him up on his offer to go to another warlock because she felt like that was unnecessarily rubbing in that he can't do it himself anymore* and b) with that line she probably meant she feels lighter already for sharing what happened and just <3<3<3<3<3)

*The only think that would have made this scene more perfect is if Izzy hadn't skimmed over his magic comment without acknowledging it in any way. Though with this thought in mind, that she rejected his offer to spare his feelings, I find myself placated.

Also I love how Magnus pretends he's going to look for pen and paper when really he's running straight to Alec to tell him all about this (and to prevent a repetition of 2x09 form happening.... and now I made myself sad again).

#effortless (Also reminds me of that post about fire message mechanics that I still owe a certain someone. Where is the time.)

HAHAHAHA

???????????? How do they know that? More importantly, does Alec know? Will he hear through the Shadow World grapevine??? So many questions.

I mean, I have sympathy for her. But like, she's too smart for me to buy that she genuinely can't see any other course of action. She just does this because it's the least effort for her, not because she's truly clueless what alternatives are there for here (aka not running around, killing mundanes, starting a fight with everyone). She just thrives on chaos.

Also “Wolves don't just attack without cause. Not in New York” ? Seems like all Institute except the NY one do a shit job since supposedly keeping peace between the Downworld factions is part of their responsibility. Yes, I am still salty about 3x15. (Also, if anyone's confused by this weird foreshadowing, I wrote notes for this reaction post while watching 3x13 when it first aired, but only got to finish it now after 3x19 aired and I can't keep my chronology-screwing bitterness to myself while finishing up the post. But mostly these are my thoughts from then.)

Yeah something tells me she's not gonna be totally uninvolved in that.

This and the fact that Russel wants to stop Bat from even leaving the Jade Wolf are the final proofs that all the werewolves actually live at the Jade Wolf and pile up in a giant snuggle pile in the kitchen at night. This is further cemented by the fact that Luke and Maia claim to have flats of their own but we never actually see them. Clearly they're both dirty liars that just wanted to mislead.

*late Jocelyn's late friend Eliot #rude #whatever

.......why the hell would Elias code that shit in Circle short hand? So other Circle members, who Jocelyn was hiding from, could easily open that super important safe? So smart! Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Luke in the Circle as well? Shouldn't he be able to read that, too?

1) Eliot is such a loser and a showoff for ostentatiously writing that J in Jocelyn 2) His hint is seriously “Don't open with brute force.” Wtf kind of hint is that man are you even real.

I'm sorry, okay, but everytime I see / hear Bellicosi I think Maxi-Cosi XD

*glares at 3x15* Will I ever tire of raging about that episode? Unlikely.

Why.....? Since he didn't have any problem 100% blaming Raphael for everything Heidi did (not unjustified, but I'm just saying he's suddenly changed his mind). I mean, if he'd said she's dangerous to him and his family that would've been another matter.

These are all runes that I don't remember seeing on the Shadowhunters' Wiki Rune Page. Please tell me more.

Jace: “Clary, you've been going nonstop since you came back. You need to take a minute.”

lol if only Jace would implement the same advice himself.

“Wow I suddeny remember I had a life before I was 10.”

German Dubbing: Yeah, the ones Consul Penhallow categorically ignored. Honestly. Who dubbs this shit. Wtf.

Listen I love everything about this scene. (Fun Fact: In the German Dubbing she says vampire addiction, not venom addiction lol as if she was addicted to vampires XD)

Alec Lightwood, best brother of the year. Btw he's been holding that title since birth. I also don't think Alec would ever judge Izzy for her addiction / look at her as if she's weak, so the fact that she thinks that says a lot about how the addiction affected her self-image.

Too bad Alec forgets this for the next few episodes and acts like a total tool in that Clave Investigation Thing, smh.

Good to know.

Haha that was witty.

Oooooh why don't they ask another warlock then? For example one who's actually always the smartest person in the room?? Who's also willing to work on this??? Just a thought tho, don't let me interrupt the Maruke Bonding. No, you know what? I hate the shipname Maruke, it's shit, so I'm calling it Luryse as it should have been called. Then again, when am I even gonna talk about that pairing? We shall see.

“Outrageous, just because people around me keep turning up dead! It's ridiculous, really, that they'd think I could have something to do with that. It's as if they're not aware this is a TV show and supporting characters die because *Moriarty Voice* THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO!”

“That what the kids call it these days when they get kicked out on their ass?” She literally says “From one exiled to another” so she clearly realized he's full of shit.

“And that's why in two episodes Imma get myself arrested by behaving like a dumbass and then chill in prison as if it's my greatest accomplishment.” Honestly Luke, so many No-s. I can't even.

“Wow I can't believe I have to see this Luryse bs up close.” Hah, now I used the right shipname and can move the f on from bashing that pairing. Sorry about that. I'm sleep deprived. That always makes me extra salty.

“When you're alpha you need to make the pack your first priority. Your personal life needs to take a back seat. And mine never did.” I applaud Luke for admitting he was a shit alpha because he didn't proritize the pack. Hindsight is 20/20.

Wow Luke so helpful <3<3<3 Just like I know and love you.

I also love how nobody questions that Heidi bit that mundane and then chilledly made a phone call at the scene of her Accords-violating crime. How frakking convenient.

But their runes aren't on the same side. Sloppy work. Also, if the illustrator obviouly takes artistic liberties, then the rune missing on the second pic doesn't have to mean anything. Maybe they just forgot to draw it. Then again this isn't even the most flimsy conclusion-making I've wittnessed on this show so I'll let it slide.

lol Jace and Jonathan are basically playing tug of war with Clary: Jonathan burning himself, Jace activating her healing rune XD

Ooooh brainless S1 Clary, how I have not missed you. Srsly now? Carve it out? That didn't work for Simon so why should it now? lol she should ask the seelie queen if she has some handy floor mosaic thingy in her courtyard to help with that.

In his defense, he moved.

It's not gonna work is what it is. Srsly how dumb are they? Why the hell does she think something so powerful can just be carved out?? Wtf.

Woooow they're using a rune removing device, color me impressed. I really thought they'd just put a scalpel to it. So, at least points for trying.

Uuuuh get some morphin, try again. I mean. But anyway.

*break up

......didn't she just break up with him because pack reasons? Where is that not a Shadow World Reason? Please explain. (Also choosing an unflattering screen cap of Simon because he annoys me? Absolutely. I am petty like that.) The easy way Simon accepts their break up really makes me wonder. If Maia hadn't said anything, would he have broken up with her? Since apparently things “changed” and they could “both” “feel” it. Honestly. He literally calls her his girlfriend at the start of the scene as if to draw attention to how ridiculous this is.

You know what, I don't even have the energy to rage about this. Their relationship was so great, they were so supportive of each other, they had great chemistry, great communication, they always stood by each other. And just because Sizzy has to be endgame there were suddenly weird-ass tension between them for no real reason – none that 3A Saia wouldn't have worked through like pros anyway – just so this break up wouldn't come out of absolutely nowhere. It's shit treatment of both their characters and their relationship and I'm just so exasperated with it all. (Also not the way to endear me to Sizzy. But at this point I feel like a broken record.)

Discount? It was free. Which I'm still finding super hard to believe by the way, that a werewolf establishment would just give out free food to vampires who don't even work there. But what do I know, right, I mean it's not like they just mentioned a few minutes ago how werewolves and vampires hate each other? Right?? Hahaha.

Wow. This actually takes the time to highlight that this break up wasn't as amicable as Simon thought. Maybe he thought that they were breaking up for human reasons, but Maia clearly feels she threw her relationship away for the pack and it's hard for her. And Simon's tirade wasn't really encouraging her to let him know that. I really appreciate that detail.

Other things I want to say: 1) I didn't like that Maia just flat out broke up with him. She should have informed him that she was going to step up for the pack and would have to prioritize that over their relationship and then leave it up to him if he wants to put up with that or not. By breaking up she made the choice for him. Her course of action is ic, I'm not critizising that, but from like, a personal stand point I don't like it. 2) Foreshadowing: Since her whole pack gets slaughtered, if that would have been the only reason to break up with Simon she coulda just gotten back together with him lol. Haha sorry I'm trash. I know.

Wow he's really dumb. He knows Heidi's brand of crazy and still he doesn't realize this was a trap. He said himself that Heidi must have done something for the Preator to be after her, and when the Praetor tells him she's been leaving copses left and right he...... takes this as his cue to ally himself with Heidi??? Wtf?????? Does he not believe what Jordan said? Again, he suspected something like that himself and since the Praetor are playing at being the Downworlder Police they wouldn't just make something like that up with no proof. The heck. I don't get you, Boss Vampire Guy.

Also, thumbs down for the Praetor, if they'd just told them their source was Heidi herself (on the phone) this could have been prevented. But, ugh. With how things are I can at least kinda buy that no working communication between vampire clan and Praetor exists.

Still, if the Praetor wants to be accepted as some kind of Shadow World Institution they should really work on their manners.

.................................................

I I don-- I can't. *sigh* I can't believe I just had to watch this with my own two eyes. Have they not been trained for a case like this? A fellow shadowhunter injured in the field? That activating the healing rune should be the first thing you do? Before lovingly prying information from the dying person?? I mean, if that's not Plot Convenience then I don't know what is. Sure, he needs to give them a snippet of info, but not too much. But please, please, couldn't writers have found a way for this that didn't make them look like the stupidest of idiots in the entire frikkin world?! Wtf. WTF. I can't believe it.

Uuuuuuh how did she know how to turn those things if all she had to work with was Don't use brute force?? Do I have to understand that?

“You brought coffee, after all.”

Look she's so ashamed she even turned away from the screen haha. Also it's so refreshing to see grown ass people approach a relationship like idiotic teens. (Yeah, that was sarcastic.)

“And right now I wanna do you.” Hahahaha sorry, too good to pass up, you can bet your ass imma turn this into a dumb comic XD

“I love you, Clary. And I'll love you until I die. And if there's a life after this I'll love you then, too.”

Okay, I wanted to roll my eyes at their love confession, but what Jace said was actually really sweet <3

Alec: All our people were accounted for at the time of the murder. Izzy: We think it was a Clave hit.

Oh couldn't have been one of the millions of Shadowhunters from another Institute? No, I'm sure Alec checked that on their neat little Shadowhunter Intranet, that all other Shadowhunters all over the workd were accounted for as well. Honestly.

Also, Maryse says “By the angel,” but in the German Dubbing she says “What the angel” which makes it seem as if Shadowhunters curse by replacing dirty words with “angel” and just... what the angel XD

Why the hell are they all so obsessed with Latin? Ugh. Exhausting hobby.

Btw lol, please rewatch that scene, the background music is weirdly reminiscent of the Stranger Things Theme hahahaha. (Also omg I'm peeking into the German dubbing and it doesn't even make SENSE hahaha what the shit.)

LOL that's like the soulmate trope but in painful XD basically the creepy incest edition XD But honestly can we appreciate what a nice hand Jonathan has with a knife and with his left hand?? Prodigy.

This is it, the final proof that they actually all live at the Jade Wolf hahahha.

...................................? Why the f is she happy to see Jordan? Last time they saw each other she clearly stated she hated him?? Do I need to understand?? Oh right. In the books Maia and Jordan get back together. Right. Stupid, why am I even surprised by this??

Wtf isn't he the clan leader? Why the hell is he acting so submissively to Heidi all of a sudden? Literally half a day ago he threw her out of his clan, knowing his place. And now he's like a puppet on her strings. Wtf. But I guess that happens when you treat characters as plot devices. They get inconsistent even if they only have two scenes. *sigh*

Awwww would you look at that, werewolves and vampires fighting with fists like mundanes. (Okay some of them had like, daggers, but where are the fangs and the claws? Honestly.)

Okay I did her injustice in my trailer reaction since this is a vamp and a legitimate fight situation.

Wow that actually surprised me. But Jordan also dies in the books so, oops. Just didn't think they'd skip the getting together.

WOW that really surprised me. I thought Maia would challenge him and they'd have an epic fight to the death or something. (Also wtf Griffin guy, what's with that creeper face.)

To be honest I find it hard to believe that Maia acts like this. Scared out of her mind, yeah sure. But she acts helpless, and she's never been that. When she got that pipe thing I thought she'd use it as a stake. Using it to block the door is smart, too, but why didn't she get another to have a stake? Her whole posture, uselessly hangig over Jordan screams damsel in distress and I don't like it at all.

Edit: I had certain fears how this plotline would be developed in 3x14 which thankfully didn't come true, but my conflicted opinion on this ending scene remains.

Anyway let’s take a moment and appreciate Maia’s Killer Boots.

BTW watched the 3x14 trailer and just.... what. Why the f would Magnus ask Lorenzo of all people for help? He can't be trusted. As if he wouldn't use that opportunity to break Magnus even further! WTF! Where's Catarina? Oh, let me guess, another Drunk Doctor Conference *epic eyeroll*

#shadowhunters #3x13 #clary fray #magnus bane #alec lightwood #jace wayland #isabelle lightwood #simon lewis #maia roberts #luke garroway #maryse lightwood #kyle #heidi #reaction

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