#and it only got a lot of flack | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shivasdarknight · 9 months

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[Image ID: A screenshot of user redwinterroses (from Jan 27, 2022) tinted yellow to indicate that it is a screenshot and not a post on the dashboard. The screenshot reads: All I'm saying is, if a fic refers to characters by their physical attributes instead of their names or pronouns ("he smiled at the older" "the blonde laughed") when we know who the character is, and ESPECIALLY if the descriptions include "ravenette" or "cyanette" or other ridiculous words--

I'm clicking out of that fic so fast my Ao3 history won't even register I've been there. /.EndID]

I'm gonna use this as a launching point for something that really bugs me with regards to how people - especially folks on tumblr - talk about fanfiction and if something isn't "up to snuff" or to their tastes. This ranges anywhere from grammar and punctuation, to even judgement towards someone for their skill in writing and how they frame it on tumblr - such as word choice or dialogue tags (said and its variants). Plenty of other things that get torn into (like POV type like first, second, or third (usually its first getting dunked on, second if you're not a Homestuck); or even tropes) but that's a different discussion, and I'm focusing more on how people talk about things that are "subpar". There are many posts like this, but I want to use this one to talk more about it as it's the one I most recently found. We're going to talk about this attitude, critique vs criticism vs what tumblr thinks is good critique with regards to writers (regardless of skill level, but mostly beginner ones), so this will get a bit lengthy.

Let's get definitions out of the way so everyone is clear here. When I say critique, this is in reference to feedback given towards a thing (writing, art, etc.) with the intention of improving upon it. Critique has a narrow scope, but it often addresses subject, form, technical aspects (in writing, form and technicality are grammar/punctuation, style, and prose - the latter of which is what OP is digging into), and execution. Critique includes both negative and positive aspects because it's important for good critique. Critique isn't tearing into someone for the sake of it, because the point of critique is to improve upon these aspects and become more comfortable in your craft. To take critiques is a skill in its own, but so is giving critiques - the best advice is usually a "critique sandwich" in which you say something positive, point out something that can be improved upon (importantly: not saying negatively charged things), and then summarize in a positive tone. Critique is not an excuse to bully, and critique should always be consensual. Critique appears in classes, in the form of beta readers, asking others for advice, and so on and so forth. The person who made the thing must be open to critique for critique to be effective. If they are not looking for critique and you give it anyways, you're just an ass.

On the other hand, criticism - especially in this context - is broader than critique. It tends to have a more negative connotation of it, but to be critical of something isn't inherently to be negative to it. This is where you see your media criticism, dissection of trends, etc. This doesn't usually engage directly with the source of the criticism most often, it's usually supplementary. Again: broader than critique, but its space does not often overlap with the original thing. Important to note that criticism does not inherently mean that the critic hates the thing being criticized. Criticism is just being critical of a thing. To be critical is not inherently negative; it's just talking about something to a finer degree than casual consumption. It's not admonishment, it's often a way to start a discussion.

This is where people tend to balk at the idea of criticizing fan media because they conflate the two, but critique =/= criticism. Critique is more based in the craft itself (art, writing, etc.) while criticism is more about the broader impact of the thing made by the craft. While critiques do exist in criticisms, and critique can draw from criticism, they are not the same thing.

Examples:

Critique:

Your inking wasn't consistent, so the final print is splotchy. You need to improve on inking your block if you want your final image to look the way you intend it to

You added too much ink to the block and caused a lot of spillage, you need to find a balance between the two in order to get what you want

I like the gestural nature of your drawing, but I think that you would get a stronger composition if you pushed it further and focus on line weight

The alliteration is a really nice touch in your prose, but you fall back on it a lot. I think that the alliteration would be more effective in this moment if you limit it to that moment and change up how you write prose leading into it - maybe slowly increasing the repetition until you get to the three-beats?

Your prose is really strong, and I like what you've developed so far. What I think you need to work on is learning how you can control your technical flow with better punctuation usage, such as a better understanding of when to use commas or em-dashes.

You're using periods at the end of your dialogue that is followed by a tag. Unless there's nothing like "he said", then periods in dialogue must be a comma. Not "'Alright.' He responded.", but: "'Alright,' he responded.".

Criticism:

There is a common trend within fandom to take a female love interest from canon and find a way to shove her off to the side for the sake of m/m shipping. It's come in a variety of forms, but the most notable ones include villainizing, killing her off, or the modern lesbian best friend/wingman which overlaps with the other modern form, the mean lesbian adjacent to the m/m ship.

Despite all the advancements that have been made in terms of accessibility within video games, it almost seems like some games are more inaccessible than ever due to developers prioritizing a key experience rather than making sure it's playable for everyone. A good example of this would be the MMO, Final Fantasy XIV, and its late game raiding that features many fights with non-toggleable flashes that have induced seizures in players, or their lack of color contrast options for color blind players - forcing both groups to either suffer through the content, not raid, or seek out illegal mods if they play on pc. Console raiders have no such options, as the in game effects toggle doesn't apply to the worst offenders.

With these examples out of the way, look back at OP and how they've framed their "advice" (which they say is advice further down this thread - as with all others who jump in on the post with "advice") - does this look like critique or criticism?

This style of post - and how everyone jumped on it - are part of a really frustrating trend online, but especially on tumblr, where people make vague complaints about a kind of writer and use their vague posting to tear into them. At this point, most people understand that unwanted critique is bad, so they instead channel that need to critique in stuff like this. From here on, I'm going to call it ""advice"" - quotations and all.

This is not advice. It's not even good critique. This ""advice"" is taking a common mistake or habit of fanfic writers - most of whom are new to writing, are teenagers, or haven't been professionally trained in writing because so few people have that opportunity - and then tearing it to shreds. This is looking at a habit that fanfic authors learning how to write picked up from other authors learning how to write, and then declaring that if a writer uses it you will not engage with them whatsoever.

That's not advice. It's a vague threat through shaming people for doing stuff. The thread goes on to list actual advice, but most of it is the most bare bones writing tips that doesn't account for people experimenting with style. It's shame through nitpicking and expecting everything to be perfection.

Fanfiction is held to a really awful standard in which it must meet every single one of your needs as a reader, otherwise it's not worth your time. Between the lack of support on platforms like AO3 or FFNet, and then these mass shaming posts that tear into writers for having the audacity of making a mistake, is it any surprise a lot of fanfic writers give up? Why so many fanfics you like just go unfinished with no word from the author?

Tumblr is too comfortable with this idea that they get to sit here and tear into authors who may not be using perfect syntax or use goofy words like silverette. You are looking at someone stumbling their way through a hobby that is admittedly very hard and tearing into them behind their back. When people see these posts, their fist reaction isn't go go "oh thank you for the advice," it's to get self conscious about their own writing and if they do fit the bill, they're not likely to take your advice. They may just stop writing altogether.

What gets to me is that this ""advice"" - this shaming framed as tips from people who "Actually Know how to write" - is it's considered a more widely acceptable way of talking about fanfiction and fanfiction authors than actually supporting authors you like. It's more acceptable than passing around resources. It's more acceptable than actual criticism of harmful things in fandom (see: colonizer lan wangji, op of this thread has talked about it a fair amount) that the criticism of would then make spaces safer for the people impacted (in that case, address the anti-indigenous writing of a horrific fic in the MDZS fandom that was trying to romanticize the tactics used in the genocide of indigenous americans).

Tumblr users seem to know to not take unwanted critique to the comments of the author in question, yet they can't seem to keep their mouths shut; instead, they curate hundreds of posts with thousands of notes to shame authors who have committed the grave sin of using goofy words or having awkward prose - which I'm so sure that no of the people making these posts have ever made mistakes like these in their own writing </sarcasm>

This collective shaming of writing characteristic of people learning how to write or who aren't super familiar with English doesn't sit right with me. Especially since so much of it feels like a reflexive cringe for things that the person grew out of. Maybe something isn't your style, but maybe it works for someone else. Everyone complains about the repetition of "said", but there are some hard hitting stories that weaponize the repetition of "said" for effect. Consider OP: a very specific one that I use still is bluenette, in part because I am a brunette who dies his hair blue very frequently - thus, bluenette (brunette+his is not incorrect in usage for myself, check my pinned; brunet+she would also not be incorrect - so do not come nitpicking me). Bluenette sounds so much like brunette that it comes off as a pun, and in this case it is used intentionally for said pun and often as a joke somewhere in my writing or even just conversation. Is OP going to also apply this logic to people who refer to women as brunets or blonds, or men as brunettes or blondes? Sometimes stuff like this is someone trying to work out their style. Sometimes it's a genuine mistake. Sometimes it's someone doing this with the utmost intention of calling a character by their hair color as a sign of disrespect through denying them their name - you do not know why it's used, and to publicly shame people for a common mistake is not how you're going to get them to improve.

The way ""advice"" is delivered feels like reflexive cringe, like I said, but also like a gross misrepresentation of what criticism is. Criticism's goal is discussion and improvement. Posts like these are just a way to shame people who aren't as skilled as you expect them to be. Let me make this clear: you are reading fanfiction. Many people use fanfiction to learn how to write, and may not have the most polished style. You are reading this for free. It's frankly really shitty to nitpick at someone's writing style and skill and then put it on blast for thousands of people on tumblr to jump in on this dogpile. Even when you give advice - such as in this post down beyond this screen - it's still framed negatively and in a "do this or you're bad" kind of critique. This is not framed to actually help people with their writing; this is shaming them into the style that you like and find engaging. And every following post beyond the advice from OP in this example further dogpiles the original point.

If you are shaming someone through a vague post because you don't like the fact that they're not a skilled writer, then it's clear you do not actually care about these people improving. You would rather mass shame writers who don't fit your view of what technically flawless prose looks like - be it because they're a teenager, they learned writing from online spaces and are still learning, or English isn't their first language - than actually teach them in a way that would be conducive to learning. You would rather have people jump in on this mass shaming as a sense of self importance because none of you write that way, thus everyone else who does is bad.

This is not critique. This is not criticism.

This is shaming writers - specifically writers who are still learning - for the fact that they do not match your expectations, and then gloating about how you never want to touch their work ever again.

The example above is shaming a common writing habit of teenagers and new writers who learned independently, and then following that shame with a threat to never engage with their stuff again, and then some tips sprinkled in with more "if you do this, shame on you" language.

You know, the exact stuff that makes people quit writing as a hobby or trying to learn it because they want to join in when it concerns this aspect of fandom.

This kind of ""advice"" is just vague blogging a writer to shame them. They may not ever see it, but Tumblr sure does a good job of keeping people from ever attempting to write because of the unreasonably high standards for a new/inexperienced writer putting stuff on the internet.

#ao3 #fanfiction #writing #fandom critical #writing advice #lbr its more like writing advice critical #but i loath to call something like that advice #original #long post #ive got a lot of feelings about this because of how rocky my start was with writing #most of my improvement was done offline due to the flack i was getting on deviantArt for frankly anything that I made #didn't matter if it was writing or drawing or mmd stuff. people took their opinions directly to you #add on tumblr's brand of ''''advice'''' and you get a nervous wreck who's struggling to post fanfiction #i'm only where i'm at because of how much i wrote away from people which is also why posts like the one above dont get me down about writin #but thats because i'm at where i'm at. i'm not a new writer ive been doing this for over a decade #i also know that my younger sister raced to ''get good'' at writing because of the shit that i'd gotten #i had a rocky phase with my writing that she didn't because she was actively trying to avoid the vulnerable phase that OP is dunking on #yeah when you're still getting on your feet with writing you do pick up stuff like that from other awkward people #they're all looking to each other for examples and it's not helpful to fucking shame people for it #what happened to cringe is dead oh wait. that only applies to what you like. and not what affects you.#when people go ''why do my favorite fics die'' and ''why arent there many writers'' its because of shit like this #shaming people for growing pains is embarrassing behavior #especially when you follow up that shame with a threat to never engage with them #im glad i got batshit about my writing and stopped caring about other people's opinions. new writers can't say the same.#also i hate the gendering of brunet/brunette blond/blonde its so fucking DUMB

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bubbles-is-hardcore · 4 months

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You know, Sam Winchester gets a lot of flack for the fact that all of his girlfriends die but at least it’s always a random thing. Dean on the other hand?? So much worse!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Dean stan till I die but it is undeniably crazy.

My man had three boyfriends and all of them died. The big difference is the fact that they all died the exact same way. Dean (though however unintentional) convinced three supernatural beings to LITERALLY KILL THEMSELVES FOR HIM!!

He had all of them so deeply in love with him, he didn’t even have to really ask.

First we have Benny

He fell hard for Dean in Purgatory and was kinda dependent on him outside of it. It hurt Benny a ton when Dean had to cut contact because of Sam. Even then, he still willingly died and went back to the place he had tried for so long to escape. All for Dean and to make sure he was happy.

Then we have the King himself, Crowley.

Dude stabbed himself in the chest to give Dean time to escape. No illusion or trick, just a straight up suicide bomb to distract Lucifer. He clearly caught serious feelings for Dean over the years, especially after he got the mark and turned into a demon. Even though Dean straight up rejected him, he still was too deep in love. He committed suicide to keep him safe.

Then there’s the one and only, Castiel.

He died for Dean multiple times and had been in love with him for so long but this last one was really it. He confessed how much he loved Dean to his face! He said I love you! Knowing he would die if he did! All to save Dean! All to give him a chance! FUCK IM GNAWING AT THE BARS OF MY ENCLOSURE THIS ONE HURTS!

Basically, Dean had men falling over each other to sacrifice themselves because they were so in love with him and he still had the gall to think he was unlovable.

In conclusion, Dean Winchester is the most oblivious man in the universe.

#supernatural #castiel #dean winchester #spn #destiel #crowley #benny lafitte #sam winchester #drowley #Denny

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kdd-works · 1 year

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I'm surprised you'r still alive what happened to all your posting about "I'll kms if ppl don't say I'm the best artist???" 🥺🥺 If you want I can come off anon and show you all the art that's better than yours 🥰🥰🥰☺️☺️☺️😚😚😚❤️❤️

This is by far the funniest out of all the hate anons I've received. (And there are a few.)

You'll come off anon? For me?? What a sweet person! Please, let's talk! ❤

#asks #fuck you!#Anonymous #hate mail #anon hate #explanation in tags I guess? If anyone wants it (I know a few of you weren't here for it)#Lmao I deleted all of my breakdown posts so if you need a rundown of what happened if you missed it #So if you aren't aware YES I got a LOT of flack for the constant breakdown posting previously #Which was about… exactly what the anon says #And it involved quite a few anons out for my blood #(And partially because I made a few UNINTENTIONALLY mean posts when I didn't mean to)#(Which was unrelated to my breakdown posting but they used it as ammunition for a while)#(And yes I apologized for them publicly)#To be honest though I only really stopped venting about stuff because I lost a lot of followers for it #Most of it has died down but I have a *suspicion* of certain accounts targeting harassment towards me #I can't say anything yet because I don't know for sure #But I feel trapped because of the fact I need help that I'm not receiving and can't ask for otherwise I'll lose subscriber #I guess that's it #If you've read this far thanks for listening. I guess I'll continue blorboposting shortly.#tw suibaiting #tw sui mention

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formulaforza · 9 months

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💐 hi my wonderful birthday girl !! so i was thinking about a dress coded lewis blurb (because i was born a lewis and ts girl) where they just get drunk together and there’s teases flying and stuff. keep it as brief as u wish <333

—you can take it off

lewis hamilton x merc!reader summ. thank you stephy i love u bad <3 inspo from... ur never gonna believe it... this. hope it's up to your standards my love. 2.7k (kind of got out of hand)

You were half-asleep and half-drunk the night of the Belgium Grand Prix. The air was cool, recycled like all air seems to be in hotels, smelled of too-strong perfume and was filled with the dull noise of elevator jazz. What had begun as a before-we-go-to-bed night cap in the hotel bar with Bono had turned into a seemingly never ending addition of guests.

Valtteri was first to join—never could pass up the opportunity to give you shit, to offer you job postings at Alfa Romeo that weren’t job postings at all—and with him around, there’s no casual drinking. You don’t try to keep up, not really, because you know you don’t stand a chance, but also because he would never let you. After all these years of being just a few months younger than him, he still calls you kiddo, still promises to call your parents when you’re out after dark, and always sends you a text after a race with some… questionable strategy decisions you’re catching flack for online.

A brief appearance from Toto and Susie, just long enough for them to know they had no business trying to go drink for drink with Valtteri, and then they’re wishing all three of you a wonderful summer break and retreating to whatever room is considered prestige enough for Motorsport’s it-couple.

And then there was Lewis, the last to arrive, who never called you kid, who never viewed you as one. He sits adjacent you in the red, high back leather booth and takes up a seat and a half, the toe of his shoe brushing against the side of yours, flashing you apologetic puppy dog eyes every time he bumps against yours.

It’s somewhere between drink number five and six that Lewis gets his first, insists on a toast to the summer break that officially began… six hours and fifty-three minutes ago. For a long season this and a too-short summer break that, you lot had a mouthful of things to complain about, but a million more to be grateful for. “To not having work for a month,” Lewis proposes, clinking his glass against yours, offering a quick wink and holding it up properly over the table.

“To no racing-talk for a few weeks,” Bono adds, clinking his glass against Lewis’.

“To summer-fucking-break,” Valtteri chimes in, laughing at himself before the rest of you get the chance to match it.

“To summer fucking break,” you repeat because you know there’s no better way to sum it all up.

Unlike the other two, you slowed down when Lewis joined, wanted to give him time to catch up, to give yourself time to meet him somewhere in the middle. A glass of water and a virgin rum and coke and another water and the night is still young.

“First summer break as the big boss, kiddo,” Valtteri remarks, and you have to squint to hear him through the alcohol-induced thickening of his accent.

“That’s right!” Bono laughs. Your cheeks run hot at their mention of your title, of your promotion following James’ departure earlier in the season. Lewis smiles against the rim of his glass, bumps his foot against yours and doesn’t give you apologetic eyes. No, he raises his brows so slightly you think you’re the only one that notices, which is probably exactly the way he intended it to be. “Little miss queen of strategy is making the big money now, got any big travel plans?”

Lewis clears his throat, and your eyes dart over to his almost instinctively. “You’re staying in London, yeah?”

He’s right. Your summer-break plans consist of four weeks of trying to remember what it feels like to do nothing, failing at that task pathetically, and spending the rest of the time meticulously picking apart every call you’ve made all season and imagining the million and one things you could’ve done differently and their billion and two outcomes.

You pick apart the drink napkin, tear it into tiny little pieces. “Yeah, yeah. Just staying home, catching up with friends and family,” you clarify, try not to sound as pathetic as you feel. It’s hard not to when you’re sitting next to the guy who spends his offseason snowboarding in Antarctica with his celebrity friends and his weeks off traveling to Paris fashion week for front row seats next to supermodels. Anything you say would sound pathetic to someone who makes thirty-five million a year.

“I love it,” he nods, stares right through you and into your soul so you know he’s being genuine. “That’s awesome.”

You nod, swallow hard, purposely angle your body away from his, to the rest of the group. “What about you guys?”

Lewis laughs, soft, quiet, completely under his breath. The kind of laugh that deserves to be bottled into a jar and kept on a shelf for safe keeping. You know he’s always laughed like that, even before he knew you, but in the last few months it just feels different. Good different, like he’s laughing just for you now instead of everyone else too.

You know you’re crazy, that he’s just Lewis being Lewis and you’re just single for the first time in a long time and also drunk. Not half drunk anymore, just drunk—even if you do think you’re meeting him in the middle, you’re not. He’s just chasing after.

“Back home, too,” Bono concludes. “Take a breather, might head up to the country with the family.”

“You’ll take pictures, yeah?” Lewis asks, starts to pick up the pieces of your napkin tear pile and move them in front of him like a kid who isn’t patient enough to share or destructive enough to rip up his own. You watch in your peripheral, the way he fiddles with the wet paper, gets it stuck to his fingertips. You can’t laugh, so you don’t, but you want to. You think he knows you want to.

Bono scoffs, nods while swallowing a sip of his drink—something dark, something pungent. Not what you would have pegged him for ordering, even after knowing him as long as you have. “So I can compare with the likes of you lot and,” he turns to Lewis, leers around you to emphasize the eyeline, “your million dollar vacations or,” and then the other way, back to Valtteri, “your olympic cycling events?”

Valtteri smiles, swirls his drink—gin, you think. Expensive. “Yes.”

“No chance.”

“I’ll be sure to send you a picture of me having a meltdown when I think about our side pods from the beginning of the year,” you chime in, because it’s not like they all don’t know you well enough to know exactly what you mean by spending time with friends and family at home.

“What sidepods?” Lewis chuckles.

“Fucking exactly,” you add, mirror his mannerisms without even realizing it, all the way down to readjusting in your seat when you’ve had your laugh.

“Could be worse,” Bono offers. “Could be last year.”

Lewis nods, holds his drink up in the direction of Valtteri across the table. “We never should have let you leave.”

He smiles, weak, lips pursed. “I could have told you that.”

The night continues on, all drinks and laughs and yawns, occasional remarks that it’s about time I head up, followed by another round, another joke, another comment about this, that, or the other thing.

You’ve always liked Lewis when he’s a little tipsy. He lightens up a bit, you can actually watch the stress drip from him like sweat, all the titles and the wins and the losses, they all just fall away when he’s relaxed like this. You’ve always liked him like this. Always. Before he was king of the world and before he was the prodigal son and every moment in between.

After every joke he makes—or, after every comment he makes that he thinks could be considered a joke—you find yourself laughing, because it’s Lewis and you have a crush on him and of course you do. And, without fail, everytime you laugh, he winks, like you’re in on some inside joke even though he’s making it to the whole table, like there’s some double meaning to all of his words that are meant just for you, just for the two of you to understand.

Somewhere in it all, it comes back to Lewis, because, well, it always does. “Is your back still bothering you?” Bono asks, and you think you already know the answer. You think you know, because you can’t remember the last time you;d seen him take careful consideration of his posture when he sits. Not even now is he sitting up straight, with his legs perfectly spread a shoulder’s width apart and his feet flat on the floor. Instead, he’s taking up more room than he needs to, all relaxed and comfortable on the leather booth bench.

He swipes his thumb over the condensation of his glass, looking up from the action at you, and then to Bono. “No, no. All good there.”

“All good?” Bono prods, because he was on the receiving end of a year and a half of complaints from Lewis.

Lewis nods, clicks his tongue on the roof of his mouth. “No Paracetamol in a month.”

Across the table, Valterri chimes in. “None?”

“None for my back,” Lewis says, and the whole table laughs. You just watch him, though, because who laughs better than he does? You could wax poetic about it without a second thought, the way that his lips upturn and his cheeks round and his eyes crinkle and go soft in a way that makes you feel like you’re the funniest person in the world even when you’re not making a joke. The way that his smile is brighter than anyone’s you’ve ever seen, and the way that if you look at it for too long, you think about how it would feel to run your finger along the gap in his teeth.

“That’s what I thought,” Valtteri mutters off the end of his laugh. “You're getting old.”

“Not too old to make half a million.”

The entire table’s heads fly to him. You gasp, an embarrassingly wide smile on your face. “You didn’t!” You almost yell, smacking his upper arm with a weak hand.

He mocks your gasp, makes it somehow more dramatic and over the top and laughs sweetly, shrugging your hand off his arm and letting his hand fall to your leg, bumping your foot with his again. “I didn’t.” The table chuckles, you pout, and then you realize that his hand is on your thigh, that it’s staying there quite comfortably, and that you mind it less than he does.

“Don’t be a tease,” you sigh, take a swig of your drink. Your knees are suddenly weak, like you know you wouldn’t be able to stand up if you wanted to. It’s like he can sense your change but can’t quite read it, because then he’s moving his hand back to his own lap, interlocking it with the other and resting it there.

He nods, suddenly shy, suddenly guilty. “It’s as good as done.”

Valtteri laughs. “Yeah, I’ve heard that one before.” You hear what he says, but you’re not listening, not really. Lewis stares into you like he wants to look anywhere else—apologetic eyes and a fear he’s taken a misstep. He hasn’t, you want to tell him. You haven’t, put your hand back, please. Silently, you try to convey what shouldn’t dare be spoken. “I’ll believe it when pen is on paper.”

He snaps his eyes away from you, back to Valtteri. You don’t follow suit, stay fixed on him, on trying— hard—to get your message across. “I’m telling you, they’re announcing it after the summer break.”

“Whatever you say, Mate.”

Bono nods around a mouthful of alcohol, sets his half-empty glass down with an incidental thud. “Who’s to say we still want your geriatric ass?”

Lewis raised his interlocked hands from his lap, to the tabletop, resting his elbows on the wood grain and rattling the empty glasses when he does it. He leans in towards the center of the table, even though the only person separating him and Bono is you. “Would you tell Schumacher ‘no?’”

“What was that?” You ask, your words a convenient excuse to lean in closer, to settle into a spot that much closer to him without raising any brows. To brace for the shift, you leave your hand on his thigh with less subtly than your original movement, but it’s okay. It’s okay—only Lewis knows where your hands are, and you don’t want it to be subtle, don’t want anything to be lost in translation. “I can’t hear you over your ego,” you smile, and your fingers dance up his leg just a few, careful inches.

He drops back into his seat, drops his hands back into his lap. Under the table, he grabs yours and laughs, but it’s stifled, stunted, not quite relaxed. “Very funny,” he humors, and moves your hand back. His stays too, though, and he crosses one leg over the other under the table. His thumb moves over the fabric of your slacks in shudder-worthy circles.

“Someone’s gotta check you,” you smile, nod in the direction of your tablemates without ever looking away from him. “These two won’t.”

Bono scoffs.“Are you kidding?”

Your smile grows. “How do you want me to answer that, Peter?”

“Damn,” Lewis laughs so hard he coughs. “She Peter-ed you. That’s cold.”

“You’re the one comparing yourself to Michael fucking Schumacher,” Bono scolds.

“I didn’t say that, but,”

“But!” You interject.

“But,” Lewis laughs, threatens to continue even though all at the table know he won’t, knows that no matter how often the media and the girlfriends and the friends and the family tell him he should put himself up there with the greatest, he’ll never quite see himself in the same light. “But it’s about time I head up, I think.”

“Ah, see,” Valtteri chuckles. “Old man Hamilton can’t hang.”

“No, he can not,” Lewis remarks, pulling his phone and his hotel keycard from his pocket, setting the latter on the table and if you were feeling a little crazier than you are, you’d swear he nudges it ever so slightly out of his bubble and into yours. He types away rapidly at his phone, and you try to pay attention to the jokes Bono and Valtteri throw around, the pokes at Lewis they make, but suddenly you’re feeling like it’s a good time to head up, too. You try to shake the crazy, to leave it with your backwash in the final sip of your drink, and you do. You do.

You do, but then he’s slipping his phone back into his pocket. He’s leaving his glass just beyond his keycard and telling you to feel free to finish it. He’s saying his goodbyes while he moves out of the booth and his hotel room key is still sat on the table next to you. It stares at you—the hard, thin plastic. Stares at you in its white paper pocket with the intricate printing of the hotel label and dares you to look at him when he walks away.

You do, begrudgingly, subtly, and his eyes are already on yours. They’re expressionless, and yet, say so fucking much. You hold the remainder of his drink in his direction before downing it in a single gulp and then he winks at you. He looks at his keycard on the table, and then to you, and then he winks, and you’re sure you’re absolutely crazy.

You swallow.

“Oh, fuck,” Bono says, reaches over you to grab the keycard from the table. It’s like you were zoned out and he snapped in front of your face, the way it pulls you from Lewis to the table. “He forgot his key.”

“Oh,” you squeak, and then louder, “I can take it to him.”

“No, no, It’s okay,” Bono says, and he makes you stand up to get out of the booth. “I should be heading up anyway.”

“Really,” you half-insist, trying to convince him you can handle it without letting him in on why you’re convincing him. “It’s no problem.”

Bono pulls out his wallet, flips through the pockets of it and fiddles with his bills. “Our rooms are right by each other,” he insists, tosses his share onto the table. “I got it.”

“Okay,” you nod, accept your defeat. “Yeah, I should be heading up, too, I guess.”

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genderkoolaid · 3 months

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Like many of us, discovering our escape is often how we uncover our true selves, as untouched and genuine as we could possibly be. For Silveira, it was no different. “In those worlds, I would always be a boy,” he says. “And I remember that being part of my story right from the get-go. I didn’t have friends when I was a kid, and if I did, I always played by myself. And my presentation was male. I was being a boy.” For some reason, this reminds me of one of the lyrics to ‘Not Your Boy’ as Silveira, with vocals as sultry and heartbreaking as ever, sings: “Everything’s profound / When you are on a cloud / Riddled by this crowd / That just can’t feel me / When the darkness disappears / The only thing inside that can see / Is in the lie that tells me / I’ve been dreaming / Am I dreaming?” [...] Finding your way through the maze of identity is challenging enough, but doing it in the public eye adds another level of complexity. This was particularly true for Silveira, who already had a well-established audience with fixed ideas about who he was at the time. “When I started transitioning physically, I lost a very diehard and loyal audience of mainly cis-gendered females, and it was this double impact that it had on me, which was, ‘Oh, I knew that nobody was seeing me as being a real man. Because even though I was identifying as Lucas, and as he/him, my presentation to them was still seen as being a cis-gendered female.'” Continuing, Silveira adds: “I even had lesbians call me ‘she’, and I’d be like, ‘it’s actually ‘he”. So, it was really not ever taken seriously. So, what ended up happening was not only the fallout of me, but it was the understanding that I’d never been very validated in that aspect. It was the loss of my family. And it was pretty heartbreaking.” However, despite finding facets of supporters in certain places, even the most seemingly accepting parts of the music industry didn’t feel very safe. “I went from being out very privately to all of a sudden being a signed band and being on tours with Cyndi Lauper, The B-52’s, and Joan Jett, and people were talking about my trans-ness and asking me all these questions, and I was just getting to know myself.” “That didn’t go so well with a lot of trans folks,” he continues. “At the time, there was no non-binary movement, so what ended up happening was I also got flack from the trans community for not being a real man. And I wasn’t a real trans person because if I was, I would have chosen hormones and my presentation and my transition physically over my music career.”

Also, here's an article where he interviews Laura Jane Grace

#m.#transmasc art #experiences with transandrophobia #transmasc music #articles

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ladykailitha · 3 months

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The Harrington Pattern Part 9

As you guys wanted, here's me doubling up on posting days. It will (hopefully) be twelve hours apart so that each chapter can get some love.

In this chapter we have a lot of flirting between Eddie and Steve. The Party being "meh" *shrugs shoulders* at Steve being bi. And Robin being the most soulmate a guy could ask for.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8

MY TAG LIST FOR THIS STORY IS CLOSED!!!!

@mira-jadeamethyst @rozzieroos @itsall-taken @redfreckledwolf @emly03

****

That night they were all gathered to watch the amateur theatrical society put on Much Ado About Nothing.

Even the ones who had been reluctant to join in were doubled over in laughter at the trick the Prince pulled on Beatrice and Benedict. The way they cried when Hero was accused of cheated on Claudio. And cheered when it was resolved happily ever after.

Mike complained about it all the way to the car. “We were forced to read this play in eighth grade and I hated it. I never knew it was funny.”

Eddie put his arm around his shoulder. “That is the unfortunate side effect of the education system. They suck the joy out of all of everything.”

“Normally I’m rolling my eyes at Eddie’s rants,” Robin said, “but I’m going to have to agree with him on this one. They just want sanitized versions of everything.”

Steve nodded. “Like what’s with the jump in American history when we stop in eighth grade at the Civil War and then all the way to WWII in eleventh grade, with only a brief mention of WWI as it related to WWII. Are they really trying to tell us that nothing happened in those eighty years of note? Like the fuck?”

Mike blinked at him. “Holy shit, I never even realized.”

The kids looked around at each other in shock.

“They push math and science,” Eddie continued, “but shit on everything else, except sports.”

He winced when realized what he had said. He looked over at Steve with an apology on his lips, but Steve was nodding.

“And they have to be the right sports, too,” Steve agreed. “Wrestling, swimming, soccer...anything outside the big three baseball, football, or basketball. Trust me, I got a lot of flack on being on the swim team. It was ‘gay’.”

“What?” Will squawked. “Why?”

Eddie licked his lips. “Little, teeny, tiny uniforms.” He emphasized the point holding his fingers not that far apart.

Dustin snorted. “Can’t be any worse than the basketball shorts.”

Steve looked upwards as he chewed on the bottom of his lip.

Dustin’s eyes bulged out of his head. “How much worse are we talking about here?”

“Speedo.”

Lucas frowned. “What the fuck is a Speedo?”

Eddie was practically vibrating in his skin. “Can I tell them, Stevie? Can I please?”

Steve let out a little sigh. The sigh the Party lovingly called his mom sigh. It was the sound he made when he knew no mater what he did it was going to end badly for him, so he just...let it happen.

He waved at Eddie to go ahead.

“Instead of swim trunks, that have a leg on them,” Eddie crowed, “Speedos are swim underpants. They cover the junk, the ass, and that’s it.”

“And you deliberately wore these things?” Max asked in interest. More interest than Lucas or any of the guys were comfortable with.

“I’m good at it,” Steve said, blush creeping up his ears and down his throat from the stain on his cheeks. “The uniform wasn’t as bad Eddie’s making it out to be.”

Gareth snorted. “Nope, they really are that bad. There was a period of time where–”

Eddie slammed his hand over Gareth’s mouth. “There’s no need to tell them about that, Gare.”

Steve looked over at Brian.

“Your senior year Eddie forced all of Hellfire to watch your meets.”

“Bri!” Eddie protested.

Steve looked over at Eddie and raised an eyebrow. “You like the...what was you it called it,” he said tapping his finger on his lips, “the ‘little, teeny, tiny’ uniform, Eds?”

Eddie threw his arms in the air. “I am but a gay man in a small town, so sue me!”

“I always preferred the lifeguard uniforms at the community pool,” Steve said. “Less wedgies.”

“Babe,” Eddie scoffed, “those shorts and tank left very little to the imagination. At least with the Speedo you knew what you were getting. With the lifeguard uniform it was all fantasy.”

Steve laughed. “I bet you were the kind who faked drowning to get CPR from their favorite lifeguard.”

“I can honestly say, I’ve never done that.”

“Yeah?” Steve asked all smiles. “Can you prove that?”

Eddie got up close to him and whispered, “Yeah, darlin’. I think I would have remembered you rescuing me before the Upside Down.” He winked at him and sauntered off. The rest of the band hastily said their goodbyes and hurried after their ride home.

Steve’s face was as red as his old life guard uniform. “Right. Let’s get home, yeah?”

Dustin eye’s narrowed at him for a moment. “Steve Harrington, are you crushing on my DM?”

The remaining eight looked at Dustin in shock.

“Dude!” Will hissed. “You can’t just ask that in public! What if someone overheard you?”

Dustin looked around and waved his hand around him. “There is literally no one here. I wouldn’t do that if I didn’t think it was a safe time to ask. But I’m going home with my mom as soon as she gets here and I will not be stymied.”

Steve ducked his head. “And if I did like boys, that would be okay with everyone?”

Everyone just looked around at each other and there was this collective shrug.

“Do you still like girls?” Max asked, genuinely curious.

Steve nodded shyly.

Lucas frowned. “You can like both?”

“Like David Bowie!” El said with her serene smile. “He likes both. Freddie Mercury from Queen, too.”

Steve snapped his fingers. “Exactly like that, El!”

Her smile grew.

“It’s okay if you like Eddie that way,” Mike said softly.

All the heads snapped to look at him.

He rolled his eyes. “Yes, okay. I have a lot to work on regarding the whole Lucas thing, but I’m not a complete ass.”

“Thank you,” El said and kissed his cheek. “You just have a lot growing up to do. We all do. We just need to give each other the chances to do so safely. Or at least that’s what Joyce keeps telling me.”

Steve gave her a hug. “Thanks, Supergirl.”

He looked out at all his friends. The people who were more his family then his own parents.

“I might have a small...” he raised his finger and thumb, “crush on a certain metalhead DM who recently joined the Party in March...”

Robin scoffed. “And by little he means huge!” She spread out her arms all the way out.

Dustin’s head snapped around to Steve. “If you two get together, he better treat you right. You deserve it.”

Steve blinked. Considering how Dustin had worded his original question, he had been sure that Dustin was going to him not to break Eddie’s heart.

He gave Dustin a hug and kissed the top of his head.

He really shouldn’t have doubted this kid.

Just then, Claudia pulled up in her station wagon and Dustin, El, Will and Mike all piled in after saying their goodbyes.

“He totally has the hots for you, by the way,” Max said dryly.

Steve blinked at her for a moment. “How do you know that? Does he spend all his days learning alt rock on his guitar or something for me?”

Max just blinked at him. “Huh. You aren’t as stupid as I thought.” And then she just started walking toward the car.

Steve scratched his cheek thoughtfully. “So to make sure I got this right, Max is saying Eddie has the hots for me because he’s been learning my favorite songs for me on his guitar?”

“That’s what it sounded like to me, man,” Lucas said with a half shrug.

“I’m with Lucas on this one,” Robin agreed. “So maybe you should do what I’ve been suggesting for the last three weeks and you know ASK HIM OUT!”

Lucas giggled.

“Shush you,” Steve admonished. “Get to the car.” He pointed at Robin. “You are spending the night with me to help plan out something cool.”

Robin saluted and Lucas just rolled his eyes and they all walked to the car to end another great night at the fair.

****

“Let’s play to your strengths,” Robin said, sitting cross-legged on Steve’s bed.

“Sports, sewing, and history,” Steve said, ticking them off on his fingers. “Fat lot of good that’s going to do me. It’s not as though I can whip out something overnight as a token of my affection.”

She rolled her eyes. “It doesn’t have to be something fancy. You could do something small. Like maybe use that fancy red thread you got at the weavers yesterday.”

He blushed. “I wouldn’t know where to start. Everything I know how to make is either winter stuff or something he’d never use.”

“He uses that handkerchief all the time,” Robin pointed out. “You could do something like that.”

Steve flopped dramatically on his back. “Not if he knew it was made from that fancy thread I got. He’d want to protect it.”

Robin had to give him that one. Because that would be an Eddie thing to do. And while the sentiment was sweet it would make Steve sad that he never used it.

Suddenly Steve sat up. “Oh!”

She blinked at him. “What’s ‘oh’?”

“He was telling me just last week,” he explained, “that the bag he used to hold all his dice for their game got a hole in it and it kept spilling the dice all over the inside of his backpack!”

Robin grinned. “Let’s pick out the best material to match that pretty thread.”

Steve nodded. “I just have to make a quick phone call to find out how big the bag should be and I can have this done in no time at all.”

He called Dustin and told him his idea. Dustin was ecstatic and told him everything he needed to know.

Robin and Steve then dug into his material stores and picked out a nice black felt and a satin red lining to make doubly sure Eddie wouldn’t lose the dice down the gaping maw that was his backpack.

He then showed Robin how to make patterns and cut them. Then he got to work.

Even with how easily Robin got bored, she watched the whole time with fascination. How he embroidered his pattern into what would be the front of the bag. How quickly and evenly Steve stitched the pieces of cloth together. He explained the process every step of the way and her eyes just lit up.

He turned the bag right side out and fitted it with silver draw string. He pulled it taut and held it up to Robin to see.

She reached out and gently took it from him. “That’s so cool. You do a bunch of these at work and send them to Katie as way to gauge reactions to your work, while you make bigger pieces.”

Steve licked his lips. “You really think these would sell?”

“And I think Eddie would be pleased as punch that he got the first official Harrington Pattern design.”

Steve took it back from her and smiled. “That would make it even more special, wouldn’t it?”

Robin grinned. “Yes, yes it would.”

He threw his arms around her. “You’re the best soulmate anyone could possibly ask for.”

She blushed but held him tight. “You too, Stevie.”

When Steve finally pulled back he tapped his finger on his lips. “Now what to make you.”

Robin squealed. “But you already made something awesome. The pirate costume was amazing, you don’t have to do more just because you made Eddie something.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Yes, but I just tailored the clothes. I didn’t make them. I want to make you something.”

She scoffed. “Like the only thing I need are gloves for marching band. Since I have to have hand-me-downs, they are either too tight or way too big.”

His eyes lit up. “I’ve never made gloves before. That would be fun and interesting to try.”

“How would you even measure something like that?” Robin asked, a small amount of hope creeping into her voice.

Steve grinned. “Do you remember those ugly ass hand turkeys they made us draw in elementary school?”

“Yeah, so?”

“Just. Like. That.”

Her eyes went wide. “Wait are you serious?”

Steve just grinned.

****

Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13

I'm not 100% sure my history experience in school is universal in the US, but in order to bridge the gap you actually had to an elective history class called Twentieth Century. Like it was straight up bullshit. And before you ask, you can bet your ass I took that class. It was taught by my favorite teacher. Of course I took that class.

Tag List: @spectrum-spectre @estrellami-1 @microbiology @gregre369 @a-little-unsteddie @chaosgremlinmunson @messrs-weasley @chaoticlovingdreamer @maya-custodios-dionach @danili666 @goodolefashionedloverboi @val-from-lawrence @i-must-potato @carlyv @wonderland-girl143-blog @justforthedead89 @vecnuthy @irregular-child @bookbinderbitch @bookworm0690 @anne-bennett-cosplayer @yikes-a-bee @awkwardgravity1 @littlewildflowerkitten @genderless-spoon @cinnamon-mushroomabomination @dragonmama76 @scheodingers-muppet @ellietheasexylibrarian @thedragonsaunt @useless-nb-bisexual @thespaceantwhowrites @paintgonewrong @mogami13 @beelze-the-bubkiss @croatoan-like-its-hot @retro-vagabond @sani-86 @pansexuality-activated @y4r3luv @dauntlessdiva @vampire-eddie-brain-rot @lololol-1234 @nightmareglitter

#my writing #stranger things #steddie #ladykailtiha writes #steve is a history nerd

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gorgeouslypink · 6 months

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hey pink!

i was hoping you could offer some encouragement and advice to me. basically the entire luckyvoidgirl thing yesterday, i acctually liked her success story, it made sense to me and i even listened to cee's subliminal and my parents ended up saying i don't have to go to this dumb event i was dreading so im even seeing successes with it

the thing was she said something that i can't stop thinking about. she said that a lot of tumblr is just misinformation and that the original blog that brought the void to tumblr was divineangelbee and she was exposed for lying about the void. everyone just copied whatever she said and kept spreading the same stuff she put out but her own experience was all a lie. it really got me thinking about how educated this community is about loa, like the void state and loa is so intertwined. luckyvoidgirl never said she used loa and she did something different but she got so much flack bc the void community on tumblr is so deeprooted in loa, possibly bc of angel. but anyways for a community that is so deeprooted in loa, so many people haven't entered and even worse, so many bloggers have been exposed for lying about their success story. the crazy thing is its so easy to lie on tumblr so the fact that so many have gotten caught makes me wonder how many we haven't even caught and really how does a community that knows loa struggle like this.

idk i just can't stop thinking about this and was hoping for some guidance.

hey love! im technically on break but you're not the only one spiraling so i rlly wanted to answer this.

first of all, i want to say she's just lying and this community is great but i can't. the truth of the matter is she is right. the person who brought the void to tumblr was @divineangelbee and she was the one who went around saying it was super easy and anyone can do it and she was and is still pretty much the blueprint for how a lot of voidstate tumblr thinks, but she was exposed for harassing her friends to enter the void for her. since then, many other bloggers who basically parrot the same thing as her have been exposed as well.

however i want to highlight something here. just because someone preaches something and it doesn't work out for them doesn't mean it's false. this is a super old argument, like back when bloggers like cleo and raven were super popular but people were arguing abt Sammy Ingram. basically she was a big affirm and persist girlie and people were going at her for saying this but never losing any weight (her main goal with manifestation was to lose weight but she never did and just gaslighted anyone who pointed it out, saying they were bodyshaming her). while something was off for sammy (maybe she didn't persist or maybe she just didn't bother doing her method at all), her method worked for so many people. there's boatloads and boatloads of success stories from her videos and methods. so someone can be lying about the void and still be giving legit advice.

however, the void state community on tumblr DOES have a lot of misinformation. ive seen people claim the void state is just SATS, just alpha state, theta state, delta state, it's acc just a placebo for you to guarantee manifestations, and all sorts of nonsense. now there's a new addition, people who tell you to pay money and they'll get you into the void state. it's honestly crazy how hard the community went against the luckyvoidgirl but not some of the other stuff i see here.

but anyways, what do you do?

you need to realize that you entering the void has nothing to do with the state of the void community on tumblr. people lying abt entering the void doesnt make the void a lie, it makes them a liar.

ive been in that position where i hailed bloggers and felt attached to this community so drama here messed with me internally. you shouldn't be doing that. please read my Doubts post where i talk about overcoming this and also provide many sources of proof that the void is real so that you don't need to rely on tumblr to know that:

also it helps to find a few reputable sources. i just wanted to give a shout out to someone rn: @voidprincessblog

her page is the page i would recommend to everyone. you can tell the amount of research and effort she puts into every post and you can trust her to be a reputable source on info.

im going to attach this other post of mine for you as well:

i wish you the best of luck on your void journey and hope this helps! 💟

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go-see-a-starwar · 2 years

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I don’t know if it can be properly conveyed how much shit was thrown Hayden’s way when his prequel movies came out. Just a metric fuckton of crap. After AOTC (and only in his very early 20s) he was swiftly made the Star Wars pariah, and ROTS did little to assuage that. A lot of the dissatisfaction with the prequels somehow fell on him, both his turns as Anakin got Razzie “Awards”, his name became synonymous with bad, wooden acting.

Over the years the opinion of his performance shifted to Hayden being an unfortunate victim of George Lucas' writing and directing, saddled with lines no actor could make work. But even that opinion still largely discounted Hayden's acting ability.

For him to come back after 17 years to the role he got so much flack for, have his big scene show not even half of his face (and have that face caked in makeup and prosthetic), have his voice distorted, and still deliver the way he did? Still convey all the rage and evil and arrogance but also pain and sadness within Vader? Show everyone this is why he landed the role two decades ago, because he can be frightening and vulnerable and devastating even with just one eye and the corner of his mouth visible? Show everyone he is Anakin/Vader, and make everyone consider he was good all along? Incredible, amazing, the chosen one indeed. Thanks Deborah Chow and Ewan for making this show, thank you Hayden for coming back.

#if Hayden doesn’t at least get an Emmy nom I’ll riot #hayden christensen #anakin skywalker #obi wan kenobi #kenobi series #kenobi spoilers #here for the haydenaissance #hayden christensen vindication tour

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doberbutts · 8 months

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just a random guy w no stake in this but yr guy also fully regurgitated israel’s/zionist lies abt the “””misfired rocket””” hitting the hospital as if there isn’t documented evidence of israel admitting to - wanting to do that - doing that - expressing joy at the fact that they did that. the israeli govt spent days saying they were gonna bomb a hospital, bombed a hospital, /said they bombed the hospital/, and then changed their story to “misfired rocket” among other things (not a single hamas rocket is capable of that kind of destruction…) when they got flack for it. and Avi has yet to retract that statement despite it being another blatant lie from the israeli govt.

& obv this is much smaller but when pointed out that what ngaiman said that was zionist (“israel has the right to exist”, which he reconfirmed was still his stance), avi doubled down on that…not being zionism. and said ppl only call gaiman a zionist bc he’s jewish (which.. sure some ppl do, but the claim that a settler colonial state (or any state, tbh) has an inherent “right” to exist, and specifically that Israel has a “right” to exist, is literally zionism. which avi seems to think is not.)

i don’t think he’s a zionist himself but he certainly repeating a lot of zionist bs uncritically

I literally just got an article this morning talking about the forensics going on regarding the hospital bombing, from CNN, citing multiple sources saying the same thing; that it was a misfired rocket originating from somewhere in Gaza and probably not intentional, with all parties with munitions denying that it was theirs despite the firing of rockets nearby from all of said parties. No shrapnel or casings have yet been recovered and until that is recovered there is no way to know for sure where the device was made or where it came from.

So unless you are leaning on the antisemitic claim that Jews control the media, either all of CNN's sources are wrong including the Palestinian ones, or he's literally just repeating what multiple sources have been saying as of this morning.

Also conveniently you're leaving out that he's also stated that it doesn't matter where the device came from, the targetting of hospitals and other civilian centers is abhorrent and an immediate ceasefire needed to be called the moment it happened. Weird how he's not praising it, he's stating what the forensic team on site is reporting, and he's stating that no matter who is at fault they shouldn't be involving peaceful civilians.

As for whether or not Israel should exist... where exactly do you want the Israelis to go? A significant number of them were born there, with ancestors that originated there, as Arabic people living alongside Palestinians. They do have just as much right to be there as Palestinians because they have common ancestry with Palestinians. Those that came from elsewhere largely were forcibly expelled as an act of genocide- "going back where (they) came from" means going back to somewhere that's made it plain they are not welcome and they'll be killed on sight. They went to Israel because they were told that was the only correct choice for them.

Also I think it is incredibly dicey to be wielding "Jews are inherent outsiders that need to go back where they came from" because that is an antisemitic statement that has echoed across history ANDDDDD I think it's uhhhh incredibly hilarious as afronative to hear fucking Americans saying this when we're on stolen land ourselves with a government that is still trying to wipe out the few indigenous people we have left and sweep its continued atrocities under the rug.

What's that saying about glass houses and stones? If you're on American soil and you're not indigenous, how about you go back where you came from? Oh? You were born here? You have a family history here? You have deep ties to the area and can't just uproot your entire life? It's a little more complicated than just getting on a plane back to Europe or Asia or Africa? Hmm. Interesting. Don't you know that makes you complicit in genocide? No no no, it doesn't matter that your family was fleeing genocide yourselves, or that your ancestors were forced to come here, or that you personally took no part in the ongoing political war being waged against the dwindling number of Natives we have left. You don't belong here. You need to be forcibly detained and expelled. Maybe even kept in a cage for a while until we figure out what to do with you.

Whoop. But that's the silent part you're not saying. You can call it Zionist if you want. But I think people need to think a little more critically about the actual logistics of what caused this problem in the first place, before firing off about it. Especially not when a lot of these talking points are at their heart incredibly antisemitic.

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 3 days

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AITA For Not Budging On A Potentially Unconventional Need?

I (M20+) have BPD and Autism, and when I was younger, they'd both team up to cause me a lot of struggle.

One of the biggest things I used to do was self isolate when I was upset or worried, and just sit around after throwing out some red flags, hoping someone would read my mind and ask me if I was alright.

OBVIOUSLY THAT WASN'T VERY HEALTHY, neither for myself or for others. I definitely think that was an "ESH" time period.

So now that I'm older, in therapy, taking meds, and generally doing better and am a lot happier, I put clear communication as my #1 priority in all of my relationships.

I don't phrase anything in a way that sounds confrontational, I don't tell people what they can or can't do, who they can or can't talk with, don't get jealous too easily, etc. I only ask for honesty, compromise, and mutual respect for boundaries.

I really thought I was doing well for myself by swapping "I won't communicate at all" out for "I need to communicate often"

But one thing that I just can't seem to stop is the paranoia when it comes to people I'm particularly close and very vulnerable with; I'll notice certain changes in their demeanor and worry it's because I've done something wrong, or that they don't like me as much anymore. Sometimes I CAN brush it off and wait it out until I'm inadvertently proven otherwise.

But if it's not going away, and I'm worried it's just getting worse, I need to just ask for their honest thoughts and get it over with. If for some reason they were actually upset, my intention would NOT be to double down or lash out. I just DON'T want to be strung along by a lie, as has happened!

This isn't really that common of an occurrence either. Maybe every few weeks during particularly hard periods.

I don't feel this way about people I'm not very close to, and people who do manage to get very close to me know this about me; I keep no secrets about my mental health and try to be extremely upfront. A lot of people will say at first that they understand, but over time, I'll eventually get that flack and heartache from them, saying that it's just too exhausting for them. At best, I'm kinda teased for it. It's made me feel like I haven't made as much progress in my recovery as I thought I had, which sucks.

It's not me starting arguments or fights, or accusing them of anything. Just me saying "Hey, I've been feeling a little paranoia lately, is everything okay between us? Is there anything we should talk about?" or something like that.

I'm really conflicted about it.

On one hand, I feel like if things are okay, it shouldn't be difficult or tiring to say "Nope, everything's alright, dw!" If you still like me in a certain way, why would it be tiring to just say so? It takes maybe five seconds to type/say. The only way I can see it being tiring is if they were just telling me white lies about how they felt, and had to maintain the act.

On the other hand, I know BPD isn't without its delusions, and that Autism isn't without its "misunderstanding of social norms". I know I'm likely to see things differently from others. I know it's not exactly EASY to love someone like me. Maybe it IS too much of a demand, and I've just convinced myself it's not?

This IS something I'm trying to work through in therapy regardless, but I just worry that it isn't a symptom that will ever fully go away, and instead it needs to be worked with.

Am I the asshole for standing by that, at LEAST for now? Is it fair? Or is that too much of a need for people to reasonably accommodate? Am I just not trying hard enough to be better?

If I ever got particularly close to someone again, would I be an asshole for again insisting that if I need reassurance to dismiss an oncoming spiral, they should be able to meet that need instead of asking that I keep the paranoia to myself and just deal with it on my own? Which may or may not work, or even make things worse.

I know it can make people feel like I don't trust them. That much I do understand! But I've tried telling them that it's not that I don't trust or respect them, I don't trust or respect myself. I dunno if that makes sense to anyone without BPD, though.

This is both a "Was I the asshole?" and a "Would I be the asshole?" ask I guess, lol

#aita #am i the asshole

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torialefay · 5 months

Text

🥀 Mars in Sagittarius 🌒

bangchan as your boyfriend!!! (pt. 3, fighting)

(based on astrology) 🔞

✨bangchan x reader (f); angst, angst, angst;

(p.s. if you're here for the angst and not the astrology, scroll down to the star divider to start the story <3)

✨word count: ~ 6.1 k (i got carried away)

✨3rd part in a series!!! together, let’s take a look into chan’s natal chart to see what type of boyfriend he would be!

✨i will give a synopsis of what each chart placement means throughout the series (for all my non-astrology friends out there <3) and how that would affect channie in a relationship

✨ author’s notes:

(1) i am doing brief (just bullet points/highlights) astrological compatibility readings if anyone wants one! if you’re interested, message me your birth date, time, and location OR lmk your placements. i’m gonna limit the reading to include you x 1 skz member only! just specify who you’d like.

(2) the aspects in this reading are based solely on my opinions and interpretations! nothing about a person is set in stone simply because of astrology. please don’t use anything i say as canon :)

(3) tysm to @stayceebs97 for the ideas <3 you rock!

✨warnings: this part of the series is NOT sunshine and rainbows. it explores chan’s aggressive tendencies, which can be uncomfortable for some readers. also features a lot of cursing!

✨tl/dr: in fights, chan can be logical and wants to weigh all options. a lot of times, this does more hurt than good because it takes him a LONG time to bring up/respond to confrontation. he also has the tendency to project, which deeply affects him because he doesn’t want to admit that he is flighty (but he is low key high key). when things finally reach a boiling point, he tends to explode.

Mars in Sagittarius:

-Mars is the planet that is involved in aggression, plans of action, and how people approach confrontation.

-Sagittarius is a fire sign, meaning that they can have fiery streak when provoked. However, the sign is the mutable one out of the fire signs, which means that this isn’t always expressed, but really does come out when the same fiery reaction is brought out in another. This also means that in difficult situations, he CAN defer to the partner if they have really strong feelings about something, but if a conclusion cannot be met, he is comfortable in leading the conversation.

-Sagittarius is also the sign of action and adventure. They are known for not wanting to settle down. In aggression, this can translate into the tendency to be flighty- to take off when things get uncomfortable. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they will leave forever, but they definitely need their space if they want to calm their hot-tempered nature.

-Sagittarius is also heavily influenced by justice and fairness. They value honesty and being real. They typically do not respond well to poor treatment, or when they see poor treatment of others. They strongly fight against situations in which people are being advantage of or being taken for granted.

Other aspects in the natal chart to consider: 1st House in Gemini, 7th House in Sagittarius, 6th house in Libra

1st house in Gemini:

-The first house, also known as the Ascendant or the Rising sign, is all about how others perceive you. Often, it represents people’s first impression of you, as it is how you respond to unfamiliarity and can be a mask of how you present yourself in these situations. It is not necessarily your personality (this would be the Sun sign, of which Chan’s is in Libra), but it is a more superficial level that is very reactionary.

-Gemini is a mutable air sign that is represented by “the twins.” This analogy is used to represent the duality of a person, and how they can seemingly show different sides of themselves to different people. Geminis usually get a lot of flack for being considered “fake.” However, much like Libras, Gemini just want to be accepted and well-liked in society, so they will placate to what others want. However, unlike Libra, this can sometimes come across as disingenuous to people that do not really know the person. In a more positive light, they are seen to be very open-minded and curious people.

7th house in Sagittarius:

-The 7th house can be thought of as the opposite of the 1st house. It is about how YOU see OTHERS. The lens through which you initially respond to other people and assess them. This is also a more superficial response, but is a more reactionary one, again when in a new or uncomfortable setting.

-As discussed previously, Sagittarius is known for being a fun, open, and adventurous sign. They strongly value their freedom and independence. These people tend to get along well with others and are very sociable.

-A person with a 7th house in Sagittarius sees others in a very positive light. They usually see other people as new friends to be made and new experiences to have. However, people with this sign also see others as people who are flighty and sometimes unreliable due to their want for freedom. They can falsely believe that someone is going to “leave them” when the going gets tough, or that they cannot always trust that person to be there for them- even if that is not the reality of the situation.

6th house in Libra:

-The 6th house is the area of reconciliation. It is involved in how you respond to conflict and what aspects of life are needed to be settled in order for you to “forgive and forget.” This also represents the way in which a person approaches fixing the aftermath of an argument, if choosing to do so.

-We know from previous parts in the series that Chan is very much tied to Libra (it is actually also his Sun, Moon, and Mercury signs). Libras are known for being people pleasers and being well-liked. They also are associated with the balancing scale, meaning they truly value balance and harmony in their lives. They seek to attain this balance, as it is what keeps them sane from trying to please everyone all at once. Libras are very good at molding themselves into situations and meeting people where they are.

-Chan has several planetary placements in the 6th house. These include the Moon (ruler of emotions), Venus (ruler of love and beauty), Mars (ruler of aggression) and Pluto (ruler of reconciliation). This would most likely manifest in him needing to DEEPLY discuss the root of the problem in order to put a fight to rest. He has to satisfy this urge from the emotional, relational, and conflictive levels. He also has a strong desire to make amends, even if he doesn’t quite know how to initiate it or takes a while to do so. He will be in a very irritable mood until the issue is resolved.

As your boyfriend:

• You and Chris do not get into fights very often. Overall, his personality is very harmonious, and you typically get along very well in daily life. Down to the little things, he is often very understanding of you and wants to see things from your perspective.

• However, when fights do happen, it is most likely something he has been tethering with for a while or something that you brought up yourself.

• When Chan is mad, he doesn’t hide it well. When he’s upset about something, he will not talk about it right away. He will most likely resort to a blank or annoyed face, stop being talkative, and recluse to a different room. This can go on for hours or sometimes days until he feels like he is ready to talk about it (if he even does talk about it) or until you MAKE him talk about it.

• He gets most upset when he feels like he is being lied to or not being told the complete truth. He also gets very bothered when he feels like people he loves are being treated poorly. He HATES feeling like someone is trying to tie him down or keep him complacent when there’s something he really wants to go for.

• When something starts to bother him, he will start out being cold or distant, and will tend to run away from the problem. However, since he has a 7th house in Sag, he is likely to project this onto others. He starts to see them this way. One of his greatest fears is people leaving him, as he tends to be flighty himself. He has the mentality that he shouldn’t always bring up a problem, or it is okay to try to run from it, because other could leave him anyways if he made a big deal.

• I want to re-emphasize HOW MUCH of a problem this is for Chan. He deeply understands what it feels like to want to run and hide, but he is ashamed of it. Instead (due to 7th house also in Sag), he will project it onto you. He will think that if he talks to you when he is angry that you will leave him. That you will not speak to him. What he fails to realize is that it is he HIMSELF who does this, not the other way around. He justifies his moody spells and flightiness by thinking you would probably behave the same. He may even not see it as a big problem unless you extensively talk to him about it. It is a part of his nature (literally in his stars) to think this way, so he will need you to work with him on it.

• His Gemini placement in the 6th house hints that he can actually get pretty explosive when the blame is placed on him, especially if he thinks that it is unfair.

• His first reaction when getting into a heated fight can be intense- when it finally comes to a head, when he finally gets so worked up about it, he releases everything all at once. He can be loud and can say things he may not actually mean. With his Ascendant Gemini energy, he will know a lot about you and could bring up some things that he knows will deeply upset you. This is not his true intention, and this is not who he really is. It is a coping mechanism that he likely had to develop early in life. It is further exacerbated by the fiery energy of Sag in Mars.

• Again, you do not fight very often. Maybe minor disagreements here and there. But when there is a true fight, it is a BIG fight. A MOODY fight. Everything is laid out on the table and feelings will get hurt in the process. It may only happen a few times in your relationship, because eventually you both learn how each other operates. Chan learns that you are NOT going to leave him over a silly fight, and he learns to control his tongue (and stop saying shit he doesn’t even mean) when he gets to his boiling point.

• I want to make a point to say that Chan would never hit you, nor physically hurt you in any way during an argument. His chart does not suggest that at all. Any and all fighting would be verbal, or maybe even on an emotional level if distancing himself comes into play.

• After a fight, after Chan has exploded, he immediately feels remorseful. His Sun in Libra demonstrates that this is not AT ALL what he wanted or who he is. And although he prides himself for not letting many fights ensue, he can’t help but be ashamed at how he handles things once he finally explodes. He knows he has to learn how to open up more frequently about what he’s feeling, but it is very hard for him. He doesn’t know how to talk to you about certain things because he thinks it will make him look “weak.” What Channie fails to realize is that once he overcomes this, simply talking with you about it before it bubbles over, can quickly put out any fire that he feels.

• Although Chan feels terrible after a fight with you, reconciling what happened is difficult for him. He has to look at the fight from all different angles to fully get over it. He needs to come to understand the emotions behind it- both his emotions and your emotions. At the end of the day, he wants and NEEDS to maintain this love. He will work very hard to try and understand your differences. He needs to get to the root cause. He also questions his aggressive nature and why he reacts the way that he does. Overcoming this is one of his greatest difficulties. But it can happen. And once you have both sat down and assessed the situation, he can finally come to terms that it will be okay. That he can do better, and that you are not going to simply run away because of your disagreement.

• Chan will spend daysss, weeks even, trying to make things up to you. He is deeply bothered by the way that he acts in a fight. He simply cannot handle any residual hard feelings over the careless words he let leave his mouth. He would spend the rest of his lifetime making it up to you if he had to. You were supposed to be his peace, his inner balance, and his comfort away from the struggles of his daily life… And this is how he treated you. It was in the heat of the moment, sure. But to him, it is still unacceptable. And he resents himself for it. The fact that you stayed with him, that you remained faithful to him, that you didn’t LEAVE him made his heart shatter. He knows you are too good to him, and he promises to do better for you too.

• Chan, like I’ve said a million times, KNOWS you. He knows your love language. And to make it up to you, he is going all out. You like acts of service? He is keeping the house spotless for the next month so you don’t have to lift a finger. You like quality time? He is canceling all of his plans to go wherever you want- maybe even go on a quiet trip together. If work doesn’t let him, he’s gonna ask you to tote along with him. He’s just happy knowing you’re happy. You’re more into physical touch? He is snuggling into you all hours of the day. Hell, even the night. If he wakes up and isn’t holding you anymore, he turns his ass back around to cup you in his arms. You experience love through getting gifts? He’s getting you that ring you wanted… actually he’s buying you one in every stone just to be sure. He’d buy you a fucking house if he could decipher which would be the perfect one. You love having words of affirmation? He will hold you next to his chest before bed, telling you what a perfect girl you are and how he can’t believe how lucky he is to have you. How someone like him could be so blessed by fate to end up with someone like you. How he would never be good enough for you, but he would die trying. How perfect you looked in this moment, natural and soft. How he can’t wait to make you his wife and the mother of his children some day. How unbelievable it would be to watch someone as pure, faultless, and beautiful as you give him a precious baby- because even if they… No, she. Channie insisted it would be a girl. Even if she carried on his last name, she would be able to keep her mother’s perfection.

• Chan has been watching you. He’s been watching you for weeks. He didn’t consider himself to be a possessive boyfriend, but just because he didn’t consider himself that doesn’t mean he isn’t one.

• You had both agreed to share your phone location with one another. What if something happened to you? What if your phone went missing? Neither of you thought much about it. You didn’t check it anyways.

• But Chan did. He had to. He wished he wouldn’t have. He’s been going crazy ever since.

• A little over 2 weeks ago, you had come home late from work. Later than usual… by a lot. It had been almost 2 hours past your normal arrival time. He wouldn’t have normally given it much thought, but you didn’t even text him to let him know. He thought it was weird, but he shook it off. You said you had ran to get some art supplies, evident from the bag in your hand, and got stuck in traffic afterwards. Channie believed it.

• It wasn’t until the next time you were late that he caught on. It was only 3 days after the first occurrence, and now here you were, 2.5 hours late already and still not home. He got worried about you. He texted. He called. Nothing. He started to think something was wrong. He quickly scrolled to your name in his phone and clicked on the “Location” tab. He was so scared.

• ‘Why are you at Felix’s apartment? And not answering my calls?’ He thought. He called you again. And again and again, to no avail. Shortly after, he saw the blue dot on the map moving, slowly headed back to the apartment you shared.

• He thought it was random, weird even, that you’d be at Felix’s place without him. But who knows. He was sure there was a reason for it. He knew you’d tell him. Only… you never did.

• “What took you so long babe?” He pried when you had gotten through the door and into the kitchen. You hoisted 4 heavy bags onto the kitchen counter.

• “I just had to stop and pick up some stuff to bake with. They were out of almost everything! I had to look around a lot.” Well yeah, you had all the essentials. Flour, sugar, baking soda, chocolate chips. He waited on you to say that you had stopped by Felix’s to grab what you couldn’t find at the store. He waited for you to explain that you’d just popped by his apartment really quickly because you knew he kept what you needed. But you didn’t say anything. Not a damn thing more.

• Chan could have prodded. He could have poked. He could have asked you what you were doing at Felix’s apartment. But he didn’t want to seem crazy. He didn’t want you to think he was trying to control you- he knew how much he would hate that too. He figured you had just forgotten to mention the little Felix detail. 'It just slipped your mind' is what he told himself. ‘It was such a small detail that you didn’t even think to mention it,” he reasoned.

• He still couldn’t deny that he was a bit upset though. He bottled it in as best as he could. He put up a good front and a good attitude and acted like nothing was wrong. And it probably wasn’t. But he quickly favorited the “Locations” tab on your page just to be safe.

———————————————————

• You were bolting to your apartment door as quickly as you could. You were out way later than expected again. ‘Fuck. Chan is gonna start to catch on if you don’t start being more careful’ you told yourself. You unlocked the door and put on a big smile to greet your boyfriend, who you hoped wasn’t busy. You had a long day and really just needed him to help you decompress.

• “Babe, I’m home!” you yelled as you made your way through the hall and to the kitchen and living area. You looked around and didn’t see him anywhere. No response either.

• “Baby?” You called again. You checked the bathroom and the back deck, but no sign of Chris anywhere. It wasn’t like him to be in his room already, but you’d seen his car parked in his spot, so you knew he had to be here.

• You pushed open the bedroom door. “Chris?” You peaked your head in. You saw his curly little head faced away from you in his chair, hunched over his laptop. “Oh there you are! I started to get worried when you didn’t answer me.”

• “I could say the same.” He spun his chair around. You couldn’t quite make out the look on his face. He was serious. Stern. Upset? You saw his jaw was clenched.

• “What are you talking about?” You questioned him, furrowing your brows and gazing down to look at him.

• “I don’t know, maybe check your phone.” His eyebrows were raised at you, slightly scowling. You pulled your phone from your pocket and unlocked it. You usually had it silenced when you went to visit Felix… Fuck. 6 unread texts and 3 missed calls.

• “I’m so sorry, I’ve had my phone on silent basically all day. I’ve just been slammed at work and was trying to get caught up. I should have called and let you know I’d be late again. I’m so sorry.” You could feel yourself start to sweat.

• “Where did you go after work?” he asked with zero emotion in his voice this time. ‘Play it cool, y/n. Play it cool,’ you coached yourself.

• “Nowhere. I was at work and then I came straight home.” God, you felt like shit lying to him like this. You crossed your arms, trying to lean your weight back and look relaxed. Suddenly, Chan stood up out of his chair.

• “Don’t fucking lie to me y/n.” He was only inches in front of your face now.

• “I’m not lying to you! Where else would I have been?” you huffed out. You tried to look upset back, to stand your ground and hopefully convince him that you were telling the whole truth. You tried, but you could barely stomach him yelling at you like that.

• “Where would you have been? Hmm… I don’t know. Maybe with fucking Felix! Does that ring a bell?” he yelled at you. He had turned a new shade of crimson you’d never seen before. His eyes were dark, like there was nothing left in them except for rage.

• You didn’t say anything. You couldn’t. Your mouth simply wouldn’t move. You couldn’t deny that you were with Felix because you were. But it wasn’t fair for Chan to be yelling like he was.

• He took your silence as his cue to continue his now rampage. “Jesus Christ! I’m not stupid, y/n! I’ve been watching you for weeks just come home late with some bullshit excuse why you weren’t home sooner, why you didn’t check your phone, why you’ve been ‘soooo exhausted’… I mean fucking hell, could you have made it any more obvious? So yes, YES I checked your location and goddamn it if you weren’t with Felix of all people! And surprise, surprise! Every time I texted him, he NEVER responded until your location tracker had left his building… Mmmm, isn’t that funny?” He let his eyes rise up towards the ceiling, tongue poking into his cheek before he scoffed at you. “I should have fucking known better. I should have fucking known… You know what? Maybe this was my fault. It was my fault for getting with a whore in the first place.” Your jaw dropped. There is no way he just said that. There’s no way he thinks that about you. He knew everything about you. He knew how you had struggled with your sexuality before meeting him. He knew how insecure you were in your body and how you went out seeking approval in the wrong ways. How you felt like you needed approval from men to not feel terrible about yourself. How you felt extremely guilty and disgusted by yourself for mistakes you’d made in the past because of it. He knew that was the part of you that you constantly tried to hide from him. He knew how it took you almost a year of dating him before you felt comfortable enough with him to talk about it. Out of everything he could have called you, he chose whore? That was a deep fucking cut. You stumbled backwards slightly, trying to find some way to get your mouth to start moving.

• “Yeah, you have nothing to say for yourself, huh? Pathetic.” This was the angriest you’ve ever seen him. You didn’t know he was capable of this scope of intimidation. He towered over you, like watching his prey before he made his next move.

• “It’s not what it looks like,” was all you could muster up the courage to get out.

• “It’s not what it looks like… It’s not what it looks like?! Then tell me what it fucking is because to me, it looks like my whore of a girlfriend is going behind my back and fucking my best friend. I mean, Felix used to talk about how hot you were before we got together, but I never thought he’d pull this shit.” He looked off and made an annoying smirk. He started to half laugh/ half scream. “This shit is fucking crazy! It’s just too fucking good!”

• Seeing Chris get so upset that he started laughing into it made you want to crouch into a ball in the corner of the room. You wanted to disappear. None of this was your fault. “Chris, just let me explain,” you sobbed. You couldn’t help it.

• “Oh look, now you’re crying,” he taunted you. “If anything, I should be the one crying. I mean goddamn it y/n. What didn’t I have? What didn’t I give you? You had to go off and get it somewhere else? And with Felix. Of course with my fucking best friend,” Still red as ever, you saw a single tear start to form in his eye.

• He looked down and to the side to stop you from seeing his broken expression. “I knew you would do this y/n. It’s not like I didn’t expect it. Just take advantage of me and then leave me like everyone else,” he was full-on bawling. You could hear it in his voice. He almost couldn’t get his words out anymore. “What did I do to deserve this?” He let his blood-shot, trickling eyes make full contact with yours.

• “Chris, you didn’t do anything. Just let me expl-“ you got cut off.

• “Don’t bother. Just go back out and do whatever the fuck you need to do to make yourself feel better. Obviously it’s not me. By all means, don’t let me stop you from doing what you want.” He all but spat in your face. “Not that you gave a fuck about me anyways.”

• You were stunned. Not stunned because you were scared, but stunned because of how WRONG he was. And how much disrespect he had just shown you. Who was he to cut you off when you were trying to talk? You had never been more furious in your life.

• “CHRISTOPHER BANG if you do not let me talk, I will walk out of this house and never fucking turn back, I promise you!” You screamed so loud you were sure the neighbors would hear. You didn’t care. You’d passed your breaking point and you would continue to scream as much as you damn well pleased. “Okay, yes, I admit it! I did lie to you! But not because I was CHEATING on you with Felix?? What the actual fuck?! Since you HAVE to know, we’ve been working on getting everything ready for the surprise birthday party that we were throwing YOU this weekend! I didn’t want to keep it from you, but we can’t have a surprise party without the fucking surprise!” you continued to shout. Chan’s jaw dropped open. His expression was blank. “Here I was thinking that I was being a good girlfriend, but apparently I’m just some whore to you! I can’t fucking believe you.” Scared of what else you would say if you stayed, you sharply turned on your heels to hurry out of the room. You quickly made your way to the bathroom, locked it behind you, turned the lights off and fan on. You leaned back until you could feel the cold wall behind you. You let yourself fall against it and slide down until you were sitting in the floor, bringing your knees up in front of your face. There was nothing left for you to do except to sob. Was this really your boyfriend?

• 10 minutes went by of nothing but tears. You were finally at the point where you had exhausted yourself of crying. You felt your tongue go dry. There was nothing left in you. All you could do was wipe the tears from your face and try to catch your breath. Deep breaths in and out. In and out. ‘It will be okay,’ you kept repeating to yourself.

• All of a sudden, you heard a tiny knock at the door. ‘Fuck off,’ you thought. You couldn’t be bothered to move a single inch.

• “Y/n? Please can you open the door? Please. I need to talk to you. I’m so sorry.”

• Silence was all you gave him. He wasn’t going to get anything else.

• Knock, knock, knock. He tried again. “Please open up for me. I need to see you, I need to apologize to you. I was wrong. Just please come out or open the door so I can come in.”

• You stayed radio silent. All you wanted in this moment was for him to go away. You just wanted to be left alone until you were exhausted enough to fall asleep and get out of this hell of a day.

• A couple more tiny ‘knock, knock’s could be heard, but they were much quieter this time. You heard a sniffle from the other side of the door. In a tiny strained voice, “Baby… baby please open up. Please, I’m begging.” You didn’t think you’d ever heard him in much desperation. “Y/n please. God, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” He started bawling. You could tell from the sounds behind the door that he had done just like you and had thrown himself into the floor, curling up against his knees. You could hear him quietly sobbing into them. You couldn’t explain it, but it made you feel even worse. To know that he was on the other side, feeling just as badly. You almost felt sorry for him. Almost. You could hear his hushed cries for at least 5 minutes before things started to settle down. It calmed you, but also made your heart start to race when the air was now filled with complete silence for the first time since you’d arrived home.

• You heard Chan sniff. You could tell he was trying to collect himself. Suddenly, you heard a tiny knock again. You didn’t respond. In the most diminutive voice you’ve ever heard, he whispered out, “I love you. And I am so sorry.” He sat there for a few seconds, contemplating if he should even keep going. Why would you care what he had to say anymore? He was the biggest asshole, and there was no coming back from that. He didn’t mean any of what he said in the slightest. All he knew is that he was hurt, so he wanted to hurt you back. God, he wished he didn’t. He wished he wasn’t the most useless human on the face of the earth. All he had wanted to find in life was you. He spent forever trying to earn you, to get you to give him the time of day, and now look at him. He was disgusted in himself. How could he ever come back from this? How could he ever come back from you? There was no coming back from you. It was either you or no one.

• He continued to whisper, to plea, to cry using only his voice. “I understand if you never want to talk to me again. I genuinely… I don’t,” you heard him blow out a slow exhale. “I don’t know what came over me. I know I need serious help, and I want to get it. It’s just- it’s just-“ the tears started to fall slowly. “When I thought about you with Felix… You, my perfect fucking girl, with another man… Someone else holding you. Someone else taking you. Someone else kissing your perfect little face…” he cried. “Y/n I just lost it. I saw red… And in that moment, nothing could stop me. If I wasn’t such a fucking idiot, I would have shut up. I would have let you talk to me about it. And I should have. But I am the absolute biggest fucking loser on this earth. I am so sorry. You don’t have to say anything, I just want you to know that I truly did not mean a single word of what I said. You are the most perfect person I have ever known. I am so in love with you that it hurts- it hurts to know that I caused you any pain at all, let alone this. I’m not asking you to ever forgive me, but just know that I will never forgive myself. I love you, y/n.”

• You remained silent again. You were trying to take in everything Chan had said, to try and store it all in your brain. But you were exhausted and could barely keep up. You listened as he began to cry once more.

• “If you want me to go, then I’ll go. I can find somewhere else to stay and you can have some peace,” he weeped and wiped at his eyes. “No matter what happens, just know that you were the best thing to ever happen to me. I will never love anyone the way that I love you. You will forever be the first thing on my mind when I wake up, and the last face I see before I close my eyes.” He was sobbing uncontrollably, his words now muffled, as he uses his hands to cover his face. “In my last days, when my body finally gives in, I will thank God for allowing me to have such a woman in my life, only if for a while. Your name will be the last word that I ever utter and your soul will be the last thought I ever have. I promise, y/n, it is a privilege to love you and I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel otherwise. I never deserved you in the first place.”

• He sat for another moment, and you could hear him take a deep breath, almost choking on the fluid collected in his throat. You heard a rustling motion as he pushed himself up slowly off the floor and then shuffle his way back to his room.

• He stopped dead in his tracks, sure he was being delusional. He turned his body back toward the path he’d just walked. He wasn’t delusional. The door was cracked open. “Baby? Did you do that? Is it okay if I come in?” He spoke softly towards you.

• “Yes,” you finally strained out. You told yourself that you shouldn’t do it. But you knew why you did. You loved him back. Everything he just said about you is exactly how you felt about him. You believed him when he said he didn’t mean the words he spoke to you. You also believed him when he said he wanted to get help. I guess more than anything, you believed he was truly sorry. You weren’t going to be able to live with yourself if you gave up on him like that- to live in a world not knowing whether this life with him could have been beautiful. To live in a world where you had to constantly think about him and if he still loves you as much as you love him. No matter how much your brain tried to make you say no, you just couldn’t. Not on him. That’s not how your heart works.

• He slowly eased his way inside the door frame, gently walking so as to not startle you. You could barely make him out with only a small amount of light from the hall peaking in, but you could always make out those loose curls. Seeing his beautiful, swollen, tear-covered face, you let out another small cry for yourself.

• “My sweet baby,” Chan extended his body down to you. He took your face in both of his hands and brought his face right to your level. He stroked your cheek with his thumb to wipe away a stray tear. He then tilted his head slightly up and yours slightly down, to leave the most gentle, lingering kiss on your forehead. You felt it burn into your skin. Not in a bad way. In a way that you had been craving it and didn’t even know until now. In a way that was searing away any wounds that you may have gotten. He pulled his face back and wrapped his arms around you tightly in a hug.

• “I love you baby. I’m so sorry. I will do everything I possibly can to show you that,” he whispered into the hair at the back of your neck.

• “You promise you didn’t mean what you said?” you whispered back, sniffling.

• “Pinky promise. Cross my heart and hope to die.”

• “Then I love you too,” you pulled him back off of you slightly. You wanted to make sure he could see the entirity of your face. “Which is why you are going to therapy.”

• He giggled like a small child. “I think that’s a good idea,” he smiled brightly. “How about we start that therapy with this?” He leaned in to join his lips with yours in the deepest kiss you think you’ve ever felt. Maybe this is therapy for you both.

Mars in Sagittarius

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sunlit-haruka · 3 months

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I've been trying to find the right way to word this for a few days, but it's a really big pet peeve of mine when discussions of Fuuta and Kotoko and them as a duo that's narratively foiling is watered down to just their crime and comparing which of their murders are more justifiable, which usually leads to the same conclusion of "Kotoko is more right and completely justified in her murder, Fuuta was wrong and bad for his murder, #girlboss #slayhimqueen". And to put it bluntly, I find this conclusion to not only be lacking in nuance, but does a massive disservice to not only 0310 as a duo, but them as respective characters as well, and is missing a huge piece of why they are so fascinating The thing about this argument is that, to an extent, it's right. Kotoko killed an adult man who kidnapped and abused a child with the intent to kill her, and that child is now saved thanks to Kotoko. Fuuta helped lead a harassment campaign against a middle school girl who did barely anything to deserve it (not that anyone deserves to be harassed, but you get what I'm saying), and it led to that girl committing suicide. When you look at their murders side-by-side from that description alone, Kotoko's does seem like the more virtuous murder compared to Mr. Twitter User over here. But that is exactly the point. There is a very good post by @weather-cluddy and very good discussion below it detailing what I'm about to talk about, but to put it shortly: Fuuta is portrayed as a lot more physically violent and unsympathetic than Kotoko is in their MVs. Both are portrayed as physically violent, but the way it is framed through their lense and portrayed to the audience differs from the other. Fuuta is not just portrayed as violent and brutish, he is portrayed as pathetic. Kotoko is not just portrayed as violent and brutish, she is portrayed as cool while doing it (which I mean, she is cool, but that's not the point. Well it is the point but-) Fuuta's violence is aimed towards an innocent child, so it's deemed as repulsive and unjustified. Kotoko's violence is aimed towards a child kidnapper so it's deemed as justified and girlboss. Fuuta is portrayed as a wannabe hero, Kotoko is portrayed as the long-awaited hero. I could go on, but I think you get my point. Fuuta is portrayed in a much worse and harder to sympathize with light than Kotoko is, which also highlights how they themselves feel about their murders (Fuuta's guilt and Kotoko's elation). There is a very big reason as for why Fuuta was not forgiven in Trial 1 meanwhile Kotoko was the most forgiven. Because Fuuta's murder is generally thought to be worse. But here's the kicker: I think people are missing the point by putting focus onto which murder is 'worse', because that's not what makes them so comparable. What makes them comparable is the fact that they share a mindset. A mindset of vigilante justice, of a hero complex, of eliminating the bad people in the world in a faux revolution. And that mindset is exactly the one that got them into this place in the first place. And that's why it irks me when people put so much focus into deciding which murder is worse / who is more unjustified, especially since the majority of people I see this from are Kotoko fans. Your girl is literally doing the same thing you're criticizing Fuuta for in this very prison, and you aren't giving her the same amount of flack for it !!! Like- I don't know. I think putting Kotoko on a pedestal of being "morally better" than Fuuta is not only a really boring way to see things, but it misses a big piece of their characters and why they're so often paired up in the first place.

#haru chats about milgram #I am writing this at 1AM and I am not proofreading it we die like killcheroy and kidnapper man #I hope I got some points across #And I hope I wasn't too pretentious lmao #all of this is also a big reason why I really like the idea that Lucky is Kotoko's true victim #not only would it (in my opinion from what we've seen) wrap Kotoko's narrative in a very twisted and fitting bow #but it would also wrap up the constant parallels with Fuuta as well and really bash in the point that they are not any different #but that's just me #milgram #milgram project #fuuta kajiyama'#kajiyama fuuta #milgram fuuta #kotoko yuzuriha #yuzuriha kotoko #milgram kotoko

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punkitt-is-here · 5 months

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Sorry if you've already asked, but what got you into into game development? I feel like I've had a bunch of small coding classes, but only recently has something clicked and made me go YEAHHHH GAME DEV, and I was curious if the same thing happened to you or what. if that makes sense. love your creative works 👍👍

i just really really really wanted to make games ever since i was a little kid! there's litearlly journals from when i was six when i was drawing Super Paper Mario sequel screenshots that i had in my head. the biggest thing that got me INTO game develeopment proper was actually probably a mix of RPGMaker 2003 (which I still use to this day) and Hello Engine's Mario Presets, which actually get a lot of flack but back in the day a free Mario-making engine was crazy and I latched onto that shit like a barnacle to a whale. The biggest thing any time i do any sort of game development is when I make a little dude walk around for the first time and go YEAH!! YHEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#my posts #asks #anon

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dontbesoweirdkira · 2 months

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Vito going from annoyed to loving your stay in his apartement and starting treating you with his wife, his obsessive tendency on the first few was very subtle toward you but it's getting more apparent by holding your hand when going out and beat up punk that disrespected you. One of his most fearful moment is for one day you just go back to your own timeline leaving him all alone

A/N: Ugh your minddddd!! Sorry this took a few days, I got a little busy. Using a prompt from the Yandere prompt list hehehe

44. “Leaving me and going back home is all you think about, isn’t it? Always dreaming about it, always thinking about it?”

Warnings: abuse, manipulation, being held hostage,violence, slight SA and happy sunshine rainbows!!

Requests: Open 24/7

Masterlist

As much flack as Vito had originally given you, he’s so attached to you now.

Vito definitely is the kind of Yandere who pretends like he’s not completely obsessed with you but is actually dying for your attention.

Tsundere I believe it’s called? Yeah. That’s him.

It’s been nice having you around the house. You make him meals, help out with laundry, cleaning, and even patch him up when he comes home hurt. Not to mention very caring and understanding. You check off all the boxes his mama told him to look for in a wife, why would he ever let you go?

Besides, ever since you told him that he’d end up old and alone, he’s been on the hunt to find his perfect wife.

Apparently that perfect someone is you.

Now you were simply doing all of these things as an exchange for him letting you stay while you worked on a plan to get back home. Not because you were trying out to be his housewife.

Vito is from another time period, for him, if you're basically functioning like a married couple then you are one.

All you need now is a ring and his last name.

You didn’t pay attention to his little gestures at first. Him opening the door for you, paying for you and being protective were all chivalrous gestures most men in the 50’s would’ve done anyways. He never made it a big deal or overstepped a boundary so it didn’t really rub you wrong.

Of course Joe would tease you about Vito being completely smitten over you but it never really appeared so. Also who really pays that man any attention???

It wasn’t until Vito started becoming bolder that you started taking him seriously.

Vito would start to get visibly upset if you decided to sit across from him and not directly next to him at restaurants.

He disliked when you interacted with any man other than him. Even to the point where he would start to question your feelings for Joe, slightly accusing you of flirting.

He became a lot more physical, insisting that you’d hold his hand or have at least one of his arms around your waist at all times.

You tried to protest about how this made you feel extremely uncomfortable since this was a very intimate gesture but the man wasn’t having it. It was like arguing with a wall.

“Y/N, I know we’re only friends but I’m doing this for your protection. If other men around think you’re with me, they won’t dare lay a finger on you. Everyone knows I’m with Falcone.”

To your dismay, you dropped it. What he said kind of made sense. Women and children are off limits, especially if they belong to a family. Maybe he knew something you didn’t.

The physical contact continued but only got worse. To the point he’ll just pull you onto his lap, adjust your clothes and move your hair out of the way so he can rest his head on your neck.

“Trust me Y/N, I’m not into you. You’re not even really my type. Like I said, I just want to protect you. I need people to believe it.”

Why are you lying so hard Vito??

This soldier doesn't like it when a man disrespects a woman period!! Like y’all remember this man holding everything in him back so he wouldn’t kill the guy that hit his sister.

Mama’s boy™️

Can you imagine what happened to the man who decided it was a good idea to not only catcall you but to smack your ass???

You tried to tell Vito to forget it and that it wasn’t that big of a deal…

You spent hours trying to get the blood stains out of Vito’s bomber jacket as well as the sounds of his fists slamming that poor punk into the ground out of your head.

As much as he tried so hard to hide his one sided relationship from you, it was so obvious by this point.

Vito felt strongly about you, even if it was platonic. It was getting out of hand and causing you to look for an out.

Maybe speaking to Vito about this would help? Maybe this was all a misunderstanding and maybe this time he’d actually listen to you?

Yeah….no.

He’s a stubborn fuck that refuses to accept reality.

“Okay…since you can’t respect my wishes and this isn’t enjoyable anymore. I’m thinking about leaving and going back home. I mean that was always the plan but-“

What? You’re leaving? No no no. How could you leave your husband?

“No. You’re not going.”

Haha that’s funny…

“Um, Vito, I didn't ask you. I’m telling you. I’ll be leaving soon. Did you really think I was going to stay here forever?”

Yes. He really did. You were meant to be a part of this decade, here with him. What is so great about the future if he’s not going to be there to spend it with you?

He’s not happy, this isn’t right. Something in his brain snapped and he’s not letting you leave.

“Leaving me and going back home is all you think about, isn’t it? Always dreaming about it, always thinking about it?”

“Vito-“

“Do you think it’s funny that I have to spend my life alone…no one to love or take care of me while you go back to your life like it’s nothing??”

“P-please calm down-“

“Oh please fuck off Y/N. There’s someone else isn't there?? Huh? You have some pretty boy waiting at home for you right now? I can make more money for you-”

“Vito! There isn’t anyone else. I’m just not supposed to be here. We weren’t ever supposed to meet. This was all a huge mistake and I’m sorry for interrupting your life. I wish I just never came here. I-I wish we never met.”

Seriously? Did you mean that? Are you going to go back and undo all of this? Can you even do that? You can’t do that, he can’t live without you. You’re meant to be together.

Taking a second to breathe and lower his tone, he spoke calmly.

“Look, I’m sorry. I gained a little crush on you and it’s admittedly gotten a bit weird. You are right and I’ll let it go. If you feel like going back home will make you happy then I will learn to live with it.”

“It’s okay Vito. Let’s just get some rest and then we can discuss this over breakfast. We’ve had a long day.”

Yeah he’ll never learn to live with it. That was his best attempt at setting down the situation. He needed alone time to think and most importantly for you to go to sleep.

It’s wrong…he can almost see the frown on his late mother’s face as he thinks up this sick plan. But he didn’t ever think about you leaving before and now he’s terrified of you doing just that.

He’d only be locking you up for a few days, that’s enough for him to break you…make you change your mind…

He’s been tought exactly how to fuck with someone in the army, how to make his enemy crumble into doing whatever he wants.

Vito could do that with you. It’ll be okay and you’ll learn to forgive him once he gives you a new fur coat or something.

“This is for the best, Y/N. It’s for our future.” He loves you and the ropes tied around your ankles are tied with care. ;)

#yandere imagines #headcanon #yandere headcanons #vito scaletta x reader #vito scaletta #mafia headcanon #yandere mafia #mafia definitive edition #mafia trilogy #mafia ii #mafia 2 #joe barbaro #mafia game #tommy angelo

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