#and if they keep getting worse I don’t know what I’ll do
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End Game 1
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Warnings: this fic will include dark content such as noncon/dubcon, age gap, stalking, and possible untagged elements. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.
This is a dark!fic and explicit. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.
Summary: Your gaming buddy asks to meet up but it doesn't go exactly as planned.
Characters: Andy Barber
Note: get ready for the hate.
As per usual, I humbly request your thoughts! Reblogs are always appreciated and welcomed, not only do I see them easier but it lets other people see my work. I will do my best to answer all I can. I’m trying to get better at keeping up so thanks everyone for staying with me.
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I love you all immensely. Take care. 💖
The tunnel lights up ahead of you, revealing the cubic rock walls as you plant torches in your stead. The eerie soundtrack of night time and the ominous groan of zombies looming somewhere in the cave have you uptight. Silently, you press on, digging and mining mindlessly, fingers mashing the buttons on your controller.
“Hey, where are you?” Jacob’s voice startles you.
You nearly forgot you’re playing co-op. You sniff and shake your head, cursing aloud as your shock has you succumbing to the arrow of a sneaky skeleton. You sigh as your possessions scatter and you spawn back in your bed.
“Back home,” you say glumly, “just ate it.”
“Ah, damn,” his deep voice rolls in your noise-cancelling headset, “sorry, hope that wasn’t me.”
“No, I wasn’t paying attention,” you hum and sigh.
“Ah,” he accepts and lets silence linger before he clicks his tongue, “what’s going on? Everything alright?”
“Yeah, yeah,” you put the controller down, your avatar sitting on the geometric bed, “I just...” you stretch your neck and massage your scalp around the thick band of the headset, “got a lot on my mind.”
“Right. I thought you were all done exams,” he says.
“I am, but... packing. Going home. I called my old boss and turns out I’m not gonna have a job this summer. Gotta start over,” you yawn and rub your eyes, “what about you? Final exam tomorrow?”
“Uh... yeah,” he hesitates as if he forgot. You do wonder why he isn’t cramming right now. You could never play minecraft all night the day before a final. “Easy stuff. I’m not worried.”
You scoff. You wish you could say the same. All you’ve done is worry those last two weeks. Exams, getting home, getting a job. Your grandmother won’t very happy to find out you’ll be slumming it for a while. At least you tucked away some money through the semester.
“Hey, if you need a few bucks...” Jacob offers.
“What? Are you crazy? No way,” you exclaim, “really, no, I couldn’t. I’ll be fine. I just... I hate looking for jobs. You know how it is. Friggin awkward.”
“It’s not a big deal. My dad sent me my birthday money so...”
“Uh uh,” you deny him again, “that’s way too much. I couldn’t-- we haven’t even met.”
“Mm, yeah, about that,” he exhales into his microphone, “I, uh, got an extra ticket to this Con. I figured out that’s it like the midway point between us so...”
“A con? Oh, wow--”
“Yeah, but I get that it would be expensive so maybe I could pay for your trip?”
“Jacob,” you wiggle the controller restlessly, “I can't accept that. It’s so nice but... it’s a lot.”
“I wouldn’t offer it was too much,” his voice is soft, meek, and defeated. You feel bad but you would feel worse taking advantage of his kindness. “We’ve been talking all year. I just figured it would be a good chance to meet up. It would be in public and something we both like so...”
You scratch your neck as it speckles with heat. You don’t know what’s more insulting; yes or no.
“Can I think about it?” You ask thinly.
The line is quiet. You look at the screen and it goes dim from your idling. You hit the analog stick and fix your headphones.
“Jacob?” You murmur.
“Sure, think about it,” he says, his voice raspy and rocky. It’s strange. You’ve seen him in pictures and his voice doesn’t really match his appearance. He sounds a lot older than he looks. “It’s next month so lots of time.”
“I’m sorry,” you cringe. “I just wouldn’t want to waste your money.”
“Trust me, it wouldn’t be a waste,” he insists, “this last year has sucked. So much. You got me through it all.” His microphone scuffs, “studying, exams, all that stuff. It’s tough making new friends. Seems like everyone here knows each other from high school.”
“Yeah, totally,” you agree.
You’re not exactly the most popular person. You have people you know in each class but not too many friends you hang out with outside the lecture hall or library. So far, not too many people want to spend hours mining digital gold or racing cartoon characters around a rainbow track.
“Well, you should probably get some sleep,” you yawn, “you got your big exam and... I gotta keep packing. Gotta catch the greyhound tomorrow night.”
“Sure, uh, yeah, right,” his disappointment is potent, “hey, will you text me when you get home? Just so I know you made it.” He snorts, “god, I sound like my dad right now.”
“Oh, of course,” you chirp back, “I’ll try to remember. Might be late.”
“That’s fine. Just as long as you let me know.”
“Don’t worry about me,” you assure him, “not ‘til I have to face my grandma. Ha.”
“Yeah, good luck with that,” he says, “well... er...”
“Good night,” you finish for him, “let me know how the exam goes too.”
“Will do,” his timbre gets even lower, “night.”
You sign off and shut down the console. Another yawn flows through you and waters in your eyes. You should sleep, you got a long day waiting for you, but you know it won’t be easy. Not with so much on your mind, not least of all, Jacob’s invitation.
🎮
You text Jacob as you get on the bus, to make sure he doesn’t worry. It’s so sweet that he does, even some of your girlfriends don’t bother that much. Not that you mind the ‘hey, bitch’ Janet sends you every now and again to make sure you’re still alive.
You fall asleep on the bus. You’ve never been one to sleep while travelling but you’re exhausted from a night of anxious tossing and turning. After spending all day packing up the last of your things and scouring your dorm room, you’re beat to hell.
It’s midnight as you get to your grandmother’s house. She’s up reading another Stephen King classic in her rocking chair. She’s always been a night owl and a voracious book hound. She grumbles at you but doesn’t bother to ask how your trip was.
“Hey, grandma,” you hike up your bag and smile.
She growls again, eyes not leaving the page. You should know better by now not to interrupt her. You shoulder on and head down to the spare room where you spent most of your high-school career. You shut the door gently as the old hardwood floors creak with your weight and you drop your bag on the squeaky bed.
You fish out your phone and plug it in as the battery flashes red with only two percent left. You leave it on the night table and stretch out, not bothering to change out of your hoodie and jeans. It’s not long before you descend back into the same dreams that marked your journey home.
You wake up to buzzing. Your phone shakes the nightstand, rattling it against the bed frame. You groan and roll onto your side, reaching blindly for offending object. You hit the side button to dismiss the call.
You blink away the bleariness and focus on the screen. Along with the missed call are several text messages. You squint as you expand the notifications. Jacob! You forgot to message.
‘Hey, you home?’
‘Checking in. Must be busy getting settled in. Just let me know when you’re safe.’
‘Not meaning to be weird but everything okay?’
‘Please answer me. I’m worried.’
You drag your thumb around the keyboard, letting it predict your words; ‘sorry! I was so tired. Home now and safe 😊'
Three dots pop up then swoop away. You frown as the same thing happens several times before a response appears.
‘Was really worried. Thanks for finally answering. Been up all night.’
You’re stunned by the terse response. Yeah, you forgot to answer but he doesn’t need to worry that much. You frown and shift onto your side.
‘Srry again. Tired. Talk in morning. Night.’
You turn your phone on silent and plug it back into the cord. You do feel bad but you’re too exhausted to let it keep you up. Besides, you need your sleep. You have lots of job hunting to do in the morning. Not to mention, your grandmother to face.
🎮
You let Jacob cool down after your return home. Rather, he doesn’t text and you’re too distracted to do the same. As much as you’d like to sit around and game, your grandmother was as disappointed as you expected with your employment status, even when you gave her the money you had left in your emergency fund.
After a week, you finally get a bite. It’s nothing special. There’s a seasonal ice cream shop in a booth shaped like a vanilla cone that needs a cashier on weeknights. It’s less than full time hours but it’s better than nothing. It will be strange working with high school juniors but you can’t afford to be picky.
‘Game tonight?’ The text interrupts your first shift. You don’t have a chance to answer as a family approaches the window to order.
You get them the soft serve and take their payment, bidding them a good evening with their vanilla points already drooping in the summer heat. You glance around at the mostly empty picnic tables. Soccer practice will end soon and you’ll be overloaded with eight-year-olds.
‘Srry. New job. 1st shift. Maybe tmrw.’
‘New job? Congrats. Why didn’t you tell me?’
You sigh.
‘Time got ahead of me.’
‘Same. Catch up tomorrow then. Minecraft?’
‘Sure. Tmrw.’
You slip your phone away. A mother and daughter approach and ask for a sundae and a banana split. As much as you love ice cream, working with it hasn’t tested your cravings very much. In fact, you might be falling out of love with it. The smell of vanilla and overly sweetened strawberries is kind of gross when it’s all you breathe.
As you watch the happy customers walk away, you smile. Maybe it will be good to get some mining done. It will take your mind off of everything else. Hell, it might even make you feel like you’re doing something useful.
🎮
“Shit, oh, sorry,” Jacob corrects himself. You always think it's kind of funny how he doesn’t like to swear. “My diamond armor.”
“Oh no,” you utter, “where are you? I’ll grab your stuff.”
He gives his coordinates and you turn around, leaping over the green blocks to make your way there. Despite your reticence at the beginning, you’re feeling better about the session. He wasn’t as tense as he seemed in his texts.
“So, uh, did you think about the con?” Jacob asks.
“The con? I almost forgot. When is it?”
He gives the dates and you hum. Your chest flutters at the thought still. You’re not stupid. Meeting people IRL is not like online, no matter how many hours you’ve mined together. As much as you enjoy chatting with Jacob, you don’t know about meeting up.
“I get it if you can’t get the time off but my offer still stands to cover the trip. If you wanna stay the night, I’ll even get an airBnB.”
“Oh, wow, that’s a lot. I’m working now. I could put in,” you offer.
“Is that a yes?” He asks hopefully.
“I don’t know... I mean, I’ll have to look into it,” you say evasively. “Talk to my boss and grandma and all that.”
“Right, right,” he tries to sound unbothered, “makes sense. Of course, no pressure. How about I send you the ticket either way? Haven’t got anyone else to bite.”
“Oh, well, hold off, I wouldn’t want to take it and not use it,” you collect his weapons and armor from the ground in the game.
It’s silent as you focus on getting every little thing.
“Sorry, did I freak you out?” He asks, “I’m really not trying to pressure you, just got excited thinking about it.”
“I know, Jacob, it’s not that, it’s just... a lot.”
“Totally get it,” he intones, “let me know whenever you got an answer. Uh, where are you? I’m tryna find you.”
“Just stay there, I'll come back to the house,” you assure him, happy to focus on the game instead.
Still, you can’t entirely lose yourself in it. You’re sure he’s a nice guy. From pictures, he’s less than scary, and he’s never been anything but friendly. It’s not like the other dudes you meet online who jump to asking about your bra size and all that. It just isn’t smart.
Well, maybe if you don’t show up alone. You know what con he’s talking about and Kara from Econ lives near there. You could probably convince her to meet up. Hm, that might work.
Just like you told him, you’ll have to think about it.
#andy barber#dark andy barber#dark!andy barber#andy barber x reader#fic#dark fic#dark!fic#end game#series#defending jacob
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Title: Secret Admirer (Mark)
Pairing- Mark x fem!reader
Genre- high school au, friends to lovers, fluff
Word Count- 3.2k
Summary- You had a secret admirer who kept leaving notes in your locker. And thanks to all the clues he left behind, it didn’t take much to figure out that the culprit was your friend— Mark Lee— all along.
A/N- For the sake of the plot, this fic takes place in an American high school, you guys will see why as you guys read :) Anyway, have fun reading, love you all <3
-
Another love note.
You stood before your locker dumbfounded. It had been two weeks of finding a note in your locker everyday. Sure it was flattering, but what if they were not your type? Or worse, a creep? Rejecting someone was just as hard as getting rejected. Okay, maybe not as hard, but it was still difficult.
What if it was someone you knew?
A friend?
So far all the clues you had about the secret admirer was that they were a boy, owned pink post-its, knew where your locker was, and in one of your classes. You also knew some irrelevant details of the secret admirer but it wouldn’t help you to crack down on the suspect, so you pushed it to a corner in your head.
For the past week, you'd been observing everyone in your classes but you still couldn’t determine who the culprit was. There was no lingering stare or anything unusual that made you suspect anyone.
“Another one?” Chenle beamed, interrupting your train of thought. It was as if he came out of nowhere, making your heart drop from his loud voice. He pulled the note out of your hand as Mark stood beside. “So who do you think keeps leaving you these cryptic notes?”
“I have no idea.” You turned, leaning against your locker. “Part of me thinks it's a joke, maybe someone’s messing with me. Maybe it’s Haechan, he’s always messing with me.” Yeah, it had to be him. He was always the prankster.
“Haechan messes with everyone, I doubt anyone would go this far just to mess with you,” Mark assured you. “The notes look genuine to me. Maybe they like you but they’re just shy.”
“I guess.” Looking back at Mark, you felt deflated at the nonverbal rejection. A part of you hoped it was him but you supposed not. Mark didn’t seem too bothered that you had a secret admirer either. Any thought of him possibly reciprocating your feelings flew out the window. You refrained from frowning.
“Hey Mark, read this,” Chenle nudged him with a grin, “Roses are red, violets are blue, I wish I could tell you how I feel, but for now I’ll just write my heart in this note with a seal,” Chenle read out loud in a teasing tone, “Isn’t that cheesy?”
Mark shrugged, pouting at the boy. “I think it’s romantic.” Then he looked at you. “Don’t you think so, Y/N?”
“It would be more romantic if I had a face to match the words too,” you droned.
-
You checked your locker between every class. Some days the notes would show up early in the day while other times, it wouldn’t be there until your last period.
Today, it was the latter.
B- Before I met you I didn’t know I could like someone so much.
E- Eager to express my feelings, a friend suggested I be your secret admirer.
A- Afraid of rejection, I started leaving notes for you.
U- Upon being near you, I can feel my heart beat.
T- The thing is, I never thought my feelings would progress this much.
I- I wonder what you think of me.
F- For now, I hope these notes are okay. I’ll tell you one day.
U- Usually, I’d just suck it up and say it, but you're special to me.
L- Liking you is too easy, saying it out loud is the hard part.
Love, your secret admirer <3
Another acrostic poem, this time instead of your name, it was of an adjective. And instead of a post-it note, it was on a bigger piece of paper. You scanned the ink again and again, hoping for some clues that would reveal the culprit. But so far, nothing.
“Whoever this dude is, he has game don’t you think?” Jaemin smirked as he stood beside you. He had been reading the note over your shoulder while breathing loudly at the same time.
“If he actually had game, he would flirt with her right to her face and not hide behind a paper and pen,” Chenle insisted, taking the paper out of your hand to read himself.
“It’s nice. I just wish I had a face to think off when I read it,” you sulked. “Am I that intimidating?” you asked your friends.
“Not particularly. You could ease up on that resting bitch face though." Jaemin said while shrugging. Chenle stifled a laugh while you scoffed. “Anyway, update me later on who the lover boy is, I gotta go,” Jaemin added quickly before jogging towards the direction of the buses with his other friends.
You supposed you should start walking to the buses too before you were stuck walking home. Chenle and you both began to move your feet.
“You still haven’t told Mark yet have you?” Chenle whispered as he nudged your side.
“Don’t say his name,” you angrily mumbled, eyes scanning the crowd in the hallway. “People could be listening, and no I haven’t. If I tell him and he doesn’t feel the same, it’s going to be awkward, we’re literally in the same friend group.”
Chenle was the only one in your friend group that knew about your crush on Mark. You never wanted to tell anyone, especially Chenle since he was a blabbermouth but you were dumb. You left your diary at his house while doing homework together and he read all your private thoughts. Chenle could keep a promise but he also often spoke before thinking. The amount of times he accidentally spilled a surprise or a secret was too many to count.
You stared solemnly at the concrete sidewalk ahead.
Chenle snapped you out of your thoughts, placing a hand on your shoulder as encouragement. “Things only get awkward if you let it be. Plus, I doubt he’ll push you away if that’s why you’re hesitant to confess. You should tell him how you feel before it’s too late. The next thing you know we’ll all have graduated and he’s with someone else and you’ll be wondering ‘what if’ for the rest of your life.”
“You’re one to talk,” you scoffed. “Don’t you like that one girl in our first period? If you don’t tell her, you’ll be stuck wondering ‘what if’ for the rest of your life,” you repeated his wise words back to himself.
“That’s different,” Chenle narrowed his eyes.
“Not really,” you deadpanned.
“Whatever. Don’t tell him then. He has girls lining up to confess. He has options. Can’t say the same for you though.”
“You suck." You lightly smacked his arm.
-
I rewatched the Spiderman movies yesterday. (The ones with Tom Holland) And it made me wonder if Peter Parker hates watermelon as much as you do. I promise it’s so refreshing if you get past the texture. You’re just like a friend I know, he hates the texture of fruit too. Except it's only cute when you hate it :’)
Another note.
You found it weird with why he randomly mentioned watermelon— a topic that came up in the cafeteria yesterday. This had to be someone within your proximity during lunch. You’ve only ever mentioned your distaste for that watermelon with your friends. Was it an eavesdropper? Or was it someone at the table?
You weren’t sure, but at least that lowered the possible suspects down.
At lunch, you brought up the topic of movies but no one mentioned Spiderman. Your friends were all too fixated on some new video game to care. Frustrated that your effort became fruitless, you began to chug your chocolate milk before taking a bite of your burger.
“Why do you care so much about what movie everyone is watching anyway?” Mark asked from beside you as he took a bite of his sandwich.
You took the folded note out of your pocket and showed Mark. “My secret admirer just watched the Spiderman movies. He also likes watermelon apparently,” you sighed, watching as Mark read the note.
“Oh.” Mark handed the paper back to you then fiddled with the sleeves of his hoodie. “Well, I’m sure when he’s ready to reveal himself, he’ll tell you.”
“That’s not reassuring,” you deadpanned. “I want to ask everyone here right now if they're my secret admirer but what if I confront them and they’re too shy so they say it’s not them and the notes stop? Then I’ll have to graduate without knowing who the admirer is. It’s driving me crazy, I just want to know who it is, hell, I might even like him back, this is all just so annoying.”
“Trust me, you’ll know before graduating,” Mark smiled weakly.
“How are you so sure?”
“I just know."
-
The blue dress you wore yesterday looked so pretty on you. The colour brought out your eyes. I tried to tell you in person but the words didn’t come out. For now, I’ll just admire you on paper. I hope you have a good day today.
You reread the note over and over again, then you notice it.
The spelling of ‘color’ was in UK English and not American English which your school taught. You didn’t know anyone from the United Kingdom at this school. Could it be someone from Australia? They used mostly UK spelling but you didn’t know anyone from there so no. Could it be someone Canadian then? Canadians used a hybrid of American and UK English spelling to your knowledge so it was definitely plausible.
Come to think of it, some of your past notes had common words spelled differently from what you were used to too. You initially thought it was the cursive-like writing but then it hit you, it wasn’t misspelling it all, it was just the way Canadians spelled certain words.
“The secret admirer has to be Canadian don’t you think?” you asked Jaemin, leaning against your locker with your arms folded over your chest.
“It makes sense.” Jaemin reread the note again. “Well we know Jacob Bae, Keeho Yoon, Mark Lee. Kevin Moon. Who else?”
Could it be Jacob Bae? That didn’t make any sense since though you weren’t close to him at all. He also had the second lunch break. There was no way he could’ve known about your dislike for watermelon.
Keeho also had second lunch.
It couldn’t be Mark though right? He sat near you during lunch but there was no way he liked you back.
Maybe it was Kevin Moon?
You had Kevin in your musical theater class but you rarely talked to him. He was also close with your friends and sat at your lunch table. But could he really be the secret admirer? You don’t think you’ve ever seen him look at you or care enough to start a conversation. He wasn’t a shy dude either, he just had tunnel vision, only talking with the people he was close with.
“Maybe it’s Kevin,” you confided to Jaemin. It had to be. If not, who else would it be?
-
After lunch, you pulled Kevin aside from the students rushing out of the cafeteria.
“Hey, so I know we don’t talk so this is a bit weird. I was just wondering if you were the one that has been putting these notes in my locker?” You pulled out the notes and showed him.
Kevin looked genuinely surprised. “Oh no, this wasn’t me. It does look like Mark’s handwriting though.”
You took the note back and examined it. “Do you really think so?”
"Yeah, I borrow his notes all the time and he writes his 'q's weird."
You nodded. “Thanks. Can you also do me a favor and not tell anyone about this?”
“Yeah, no problem,” Kevin said.
-
Later that day, you had economics with Mark. He sat beside you, being your only friend in this class.
“Can I borrow your notes?” you asked your friend, trying to see if the handwriting matched. “My handwriting is too messy and I forgot what the teacher had on the powerpoint yesterday.”
“Sure,” he handed his notebook to you, then went through his bag for his other supplies.
You hovered over him as he dug through his bag, trying to line up more similarities that would prove Mark was the secret admirer. You watched as he reached inside his pencil pouch for a pen then you saw it. The pink post-its. The ones the secret admirer used. Your mind stopped working for a bit. Mostly because you couldn’t believe it was actually him all along. And that he actually liked you back.
“Mark?” you muttered, brows furrowed.
You wanted to confront him. You really did. But then he looked at you with those soft eyes and you couldn’t. Your mouth opened then closed again.
Maybe it was just a coincidence?
He wasn't the only Canadian you knew and pink post-it notes were common. Right? You didn’t know what to think. When it came to Mark, you were always scared of crossing the line hence why he was just a school friend and not a close friend.
But then you thought about it. Your secret admirer seemed to like Spiderman. And Mark Lee loved Spiderman. He even dressed up as it for Halloween last year. The realization hit you like a truck.
“What’s wrong?” he asked softly as the bell rang.
“Nothing,” you smiled weakly. “Thank you for the notes, I appreciate it.”
-
“You still don’t know who the secret admirer is?” Chenle asked as you walked alongside him to the buses.
“I think it’s Mark,” you whispered.
Chenle dramatically covered his mouth in shock. “Really?”
“Yeah, his handwriting matches the one on the notes.” You began to tell him the whole story from beginning to end of how you found out that the secret admirer was Mark, not leaving out a single detail.
"Did you confront him yet?"
"No."
“Why not? You like him too."
“I don’t know, I guess I was starting to like the notes in my locker.” You sulked.
Chenle chortled. “Man, you're like a broken record. Him too.”
“Can you blame me— wait what? What do you mean him too?”
“You know what? I’ll just tell you since you already know. That poem your secret admirer wrote to you? The one where it said his friend suggested he write notes to you? That was me. I knew Mark liked you so I gave him a little push. But don’t worry, I didn’t tell him you liked him or anything.”
Chenle had to be kidding. He knew all along yet kept entertaining you as if he didn’t. Who knew he was such a good actor?
“I can’t believe you kept this from me! You knew who it was all along and just played dumb?!” You lightly slapped his shoulder.
“Hey! You should be thanking me for being a good friend. Without my smart brain telling him to leave notes in your locker, you'd probably be crying right now just because you saw Mark talking to another girl.”
You lightly smacked his arm. "And that's exactly why I am not thanking you." It was just one time that you cried watching Mark attempting to flirt with a girl last year. And Chenle would never let you live it down.
-
Wanting to have some fun, you decided to be a secret admirer for Mark. You even disguised your handwriting and slipped the note into his locker during class to avoid suspicion.
The bell had just rang, and from afar, you watched as he opened the note then approached him.
“Looks like secret admirers are popular these days,” you said singsongly as you reached his locker.
Mark folded the note, then looked up at you. “Yeah, I guess so.”
“What does it say?” There was a bright smile on your face as you watched how he seemed so confused.
“Nothing.” He tried to hide the note behind him, but you managed to snatch it anyway.��
You look gorgeous today Mark. I wonder how we would look together. Have you thought about me lately? Because I couldn’t get you out of my head. Love, your secret admirer <3
“No way,” you beamed, “Who do you think is your secret admirer?”
“I don’t know, but it doesn’t matter.” He frowned.
“Of course it does,” you teasing him. “It’s a lot of fun to guess who is writing to you. Imagine if it was a stranger talking about how good looking you are! Trust me, I spent all my free time just watching the people around me, hoping it wasn’t a creep saying he liked my clothing choices. It was thrilling!” you rambled in a sarcastic tone.
Mark looked tense, a bit guilty at that. “About that,” he sighed, hands running through his hair. “I know who your secret admirer is.”
“Mark, I know you’re my secret admirer,” you finally said, tired of dragging this on any longer.
"Oh." Mark looked so cute as he chewed on his bottom lip.
“Why didn’t you just tell me that you liked me? Instead you watched as I stressed over who it was.”
“I’m sorry. I really never meant for it to get this far. I honestly thought you would’ve figured out it was me within the first week… Are you mad?”
“No, it was just annoying because I thought this guy was going through a lot of effort just to be rejected. But I’m glad it was you instead. You know how relieved I felt?”
“Relieved?”
“Yes, because I like you too Mark. And according to Chenle, you liked me too?”
“He told you?” He whined. The tips of his ears turned red too and he looked so cute flustered. “I can’t believe it, he promised me.”
“Well to be fair, I already knew before he told me. I guess I just liked knowing you were the one behind the notes so I wanted to pretend for a while longer.”
“So you’re really not mad at me?”
“No, I just wish you would’ve told me yourself. And by the way, that note you’re holding, I wrote that. I just disguised my handwriting.”
Mark relaxed as he looked at you with betrayal. “You’re so mean,” he pouted. “I thought it was from a stranger. It would’ve sucked to reject them.”
“Oh come on, you watched as I pulled my hair out trying to find out who my secret admirer was, and I’m the mean one? I just wanted to have some fun too.”
“What I did was cute and romantic, not revenge... I really didn’t mean for it to last for a whole month though”
“It is cute and romantic. Once I figured out that it was you and not some weirdo.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry about that.”
“It’s okay. Without the secret admirer thing, I don’t even know if we would have our feelings out right now. You’re too shy to say anything and I’m too awkward. So I guess we have Chenle to thank.”
“I guess so.” Mark smiled.
“How about we meddle with his love life too?” you beamed, eyes sparkling with mischief. It was time for payback. “You know how he likes that one girl in our first period? He’s always encouraging us to confess yet he’s even more hopeless than us. How about we give him a push too?”
“Oh I like that,” Mark smirked, impressed with how your mind worked. “Let’s do it.”
#mark lee x reader#nct imagines#nct fluff#nct x reader#nct fanfic#nct 127 fluff#nct reactions#nct dream fluff#mark#mark fluff#mark x reader#nct mark scenarios#mark lee fluff#mark lee#nct dream imagines#nct dream reactions#nct dream x reader#mark lee imagines#mark imagines#mark nct#nct mark#nct mark x reader#nct angst#nct mark lee#nct mark fluff#nct 127 imagines#mark lee scenarios
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Surprise: The Sequel
Pairings: Ghost x Fem!Reader
Word Count: 2800
Warnings: PiV, we wrap shit up in this one, a little butt stuff, spit kink, biting, cursing, choking. Reader is a little subby here. This is a fic centered on the reader ovulating and being really horny. Heed warnings accordingly.
Author notes: Yes, this was written when I personally was ovulating and I needed an outlet. Please enjoy 😊
Companion piece to Surprise
“My back fucking hurts,” you grumble to yourself, not really meaning for anyone to hear. But Soap, with his fucking bat ears, does.
“Wan’ me to massage it for yah?” He drawls in his thick Scottish accent. He’s been eying you all day and you can’t figure out why. You’re not dressed any different, you didn’t do your hair any different. You didn’t flirt with him, at least anymore than normal. Soap is the type of guy you can flirt with without realizing it. He’s soft and easy-going with a big personality and the ability to make anyone feel special.
“Mind your business, Soap,” snaps Simon-Ghost-Lieutenant (you’re not really sure what to call him anymore) as he comes in the door. You’re sitting at a desk, writing reports on your latest mission and Soap is at his desk on the left of yours, writing his own.
“Aye L.T. But I do feel like her business is my business,” he chuckles and Ghost flicks him a look as he gets up.
“Why’s your back hurt, Blue?” Ghost asks, hand gripping the back of your chair.
“Not sure, L.T.,” you say but then a cramp hits your lower belly. It’s not your period, definitely not your period, that was two weeks ago. So this means- “Damnit,” you curse under your breath.
“What’s wrong?” Both men ask at the same time, Soap moving to stand by Ghost. Another cramp hits your stomach and you have to stifle a groan.
“Nothing important,” you tell them both but they don’t believe you. But Price walks in, looking for an update on the reports and the subject is dropped. He’s standing over your shoulder and you don’t miss the way he keeps looking down at you, the easy way he smiles at you.
“Looking good today, Blue. Did you do something different with your hair?” Price mentions and you know he doesn’t mean it to be creepy. He’s genuinely trying to be nice and give you a compliment, you don’t get many when your literal job is to commit crimes for the sake of queen and country. But you know the real reason he’s looking at you different.
Your ovulation cycle hits harder than your menstruation cycle, the older you get. Your cramps are worse and men tend to notice you more. They flirt with you easier, they check you out with more purpose. Your skin clears and has this tone to that makes you look perpetually flustered. It’s all very flattering but also, quite annoying. Biology is doing its work, but you don’t want it to. The thing that drives you most insane is that you preen under the attention. You like being noticed when you’re ovulating. You like the way Ghosts eyes are dragging across your hips. You like the easy smile Johnny gives you when he’s flirting. You like the way Price’s eyes struggle to stay in their rightful place.
“Nah, just brushed it this morning, that’s all Captain,” there’s a flash of something in his eyes when you call him by his rank but you can’t unpack it right now. You stand, surprising Price and mumble “I’ll be back,” before you bolt.
Ghost waits an appropriate amount of time before he follows, shoving back his chair with some lame excuse so he can follow you.
He finds you in seconds, heading down the hallway in the general direction of his quarters. As a lieutenant, he gets his own space and as he watches your hips sway he’s thankful for it.
“Blue,” he calls out and you still.
“Not now, Ghost,” you say but you don’t move. His long strides catch up to you in no time and his hand presses into your back.
“What’s the matter?” He asks, and you sigh.
“I’m ovulating,” you tell him, pressing into his hand and relishing the feel of his warmth.
“What’s that mean?” He knows that’s your fertile period and you can get pregnant but he’s not sure on the specifics.
“I’m so horny,” you whine, twisting your neck to look up at him and he wants to dip down and run his nose alone the soft skin there. It takes your words a second to click but when they do, he’s shoving you down the hallway and into his room, locking the door behind him.
———————————
Ghost has you on your knees and you’re taking him. Your pussy is slick with your orgasms and your back is slick with sweat. You’re dropped down to your chest on the bed, fingers gripping the sheets as you cry out. It’s not helping though, because every one of Simon’s powerful thrusts pushes you up the bed.
“This fuckin’ pussy,” he snarls from under his mask. Since that day in the shower you’ve had this tryst going on regularly and it’s been satisfying for the both of you. “Fuck, you take me so well,” he grunts as his hand presses into your shoulders to hold you down. “Love when you submit to me,” he says but you think you can take it a step further. You move your hands from the sheets to behind your back, gripping your forearms as your face presses into the bed. Simon groans deeply as he slides his hand down your back to press down on your forearms. “Look so pretty takin’ my cock like this, Blue,” he snarls and you know he’s getting close. You’ve already cum several times, so you’re not concerned about finishing when he does, but Simon is. His hips ratchet up a notch and you hear the distinctive sound of something in Simon’s mouth. You’re about to peek over your shoulder to see what he’s doing when his thick thumb presses up against your asshole. You gasp and still underneath him as he presses circles into the tight ring.
“I’d love to watch you take me here,” he grunts before he pushes his thumb in. Your whole body tenses but you’re pinned. His hands are still pressing your own into your lower back and his finger in your ass is up to the first knuckle. You’re going to lose your mind, you can’t even scream because your face is pressed into the mattress. He continues pressing until he’s got his whole thumb in your ass and you’re gone. You’re so full, so thoroughly worked over that you when Ghost-Simon-whatever you’re calling each other these days, picks up his thrusts you’re blind with pleasure.
He’s putting you through the mattress, his hulking body pressing yours down. You break first, your body clamping down as you cum. He’s so heavy, so thick, and you’re so overwhelmed but Ghost isn’t done yet. He’s growling deep in his throat, snarling something about what a good little slut you are for him and you know he’s right at the edge of breaking. You feel something sharp against your shoulder and it takes you a few seconds to realize he sank his teeth into the soft flesh. He’d apparently never pulled his mask down after he’d wet his thumb and you feel his tongue soothe the sharp sting his bite left. You lay like that for a second, Ghost’s body laying across yours as you both pant with the exertion. Simon’s tongue licks a hot trail across your shoulder and up your neck, stopping at your ear.
“You’re a good fuck, Blue. Y’know that?” You laugh aloud because any kind of compliment coming from Simon Riley is noteworthy.
“Thanks, you’re not so bad yourself,” you flash a grin at him as he peels off of you, moving to dispose the condom. He comes back and his mask is still pushed up to his nose and his grin would’ve knocked you over if you weren’t already laying down.
“Not so bad, eh? Do I need to split you apart on my cock again so you know how good I can be?” He chuckles, dark and dangerous as he crawls on the bed and stares down at you. His huge hand finds your throat, squeezing and reminding you just how dangerous he can be. But the only thing you feel right now is another how streak of lust through your nerve endings. Your nipples are tight and when he flicks them, a sharp gasp escapes your mouth. Ghost takes the opportunity at hand and pulls you up to him by the throat, shoving his tongue in your mouth. It’s not the first time you’ve kissed but it’s one of the only. You can feel him hardening against your thigh and you can feel how slick you are. His fingers squeeze as he trails his lips down your neck, over where his thumb is digging into the soft flesh.
You’re aching, ready to be filled again, when Ghost speaks in your ear.
“I want to taste you, Blue,” he grunts but you shake your head as best you can with his hand wrapped around your throat.
“Later. Want your cock,” you tell him and he nods, releasing you to get another condom. You desperately want to tell him not to use one, but you are smack in the middle of ovulating and the risk of pregnancy is much higher than if you weren’t. You’re not in a place where you can have a baby and you don’t think Simon is ready to be a father, he may not ever be. But god, the idea of dripping with his cum all day? It’s got you clenching between your legs.
Simon has the condom on, cock swinging between his thick thighs. He’d only managed to get his pants down to his knees the first time and the second time won’t be any different. He’s got a long sleeve shirt on bearing the British Army flag on it and even without all his tac gear he’s huge. Tall and bulky, with a menacing edge to him, you can see why people are terrified. But right now, all you are is horny. He slides between your thighs, lifting your hips and placing a pillow underneath them.
“Gonna take me?” He asks, circling a finger over your clit. You nod but he’s not content with that. “I asked you if you were going to take me, I expect an answer,” he growls from under his mask, pulled back down now.
“Yes, Lieutenant,” you breathe as he presses the head of his cock into you.
“Yes, Lieutenant, what?” He snaps, one hand on your tit, the other on the base of his cock.
“Yes, Lieutenant,-“ you gasp as he pushes into you.
“Go on,” he prompts, almost all the way in now. “Or I won’t fuck you. You can lay here and be my pretty little cock sleeve,” you clench around him, wishing he’d wrap one of those big hands around your throat again.
“Yes, Lieutenant, I’m gonna take all of your cock. Please, I want to take all of your cock.”
“Good girl,” he growls, low in your ear as his hand wraps back around your throat. His thrusts start slow but it doesn’t take long before he’s hitching one thigh up his back, the other pressing you down and pushing you to your limits. He’s more vocal this time, grunts and growls as he sits back on his heels to give himself more leverage. He’s got to be sensitive, it’s the second time in less than 30 minutes, and it shows. His fingers tighten every couple thrusts until you nearly can’t breathe but you know he wouldn’t hurt you. The other hand finds your tits, groping them and pulling at your nipples. He presses the thumb of the hand around your neck into your jaw until your mouth pops open. He pulls the mask above his mouth, leaning down, his eyes wide with question and you nod at him, sticking your tongue out in invitation. He gathers in his mouth before he leans down, spitting directly into your mouth before he closes your jaw and speaks.
“Swallow it.” You do as he asks, opening your mouth again and sticking out your tongue to show him. He groans deeply, gathering his spit again and spitting on your tongue. This time though, he keeps his thumb pressed into the hinge of your jaw so you don’t close it. “That’s my fuckin’ girl,” he snarls, his accent thicker as he pounds into you, “take everythin’ I fuckin’ give ya, don’t ya?” You nod desperately at him, mouth still open, tongue still covered in his spit. “Fuck yeah, ya do. I’m goin’ to cum, I know you’re close.” You nod at him again, pussy tightening as he spits into your mouth again, closing your jaw and telling you to swallow.
“Next time you’re gonna swallow my cum jus’ like that,” he tells you before he leans back, pressing a thumb against your clit. It only takes one, two, three swipes of his thumb before you’re over the edge, crying out his name and clinging to the hand still wrapped around your throat. He follows right along with you, slumping his heavy body against yours. “This will never get old,” he says as he rolls to the side slightly, still laying on you but not quite with his full weight.
“Yeah,” you agree, out of breath and worn down. Finally sated.
“Is it always like this when you ovulate?” He asks, picking himself up and disposing of the condom, for the second time. You nod as he comes back and picks up your underwear off the floor.
“It gets worse as I get older, like evolution is telling me to get a move on.” You stand as Simon holds your hand and helps you into your panties. “My cramps get worse and I get almost unbearably horny,” you tell him as he hunts down your tac pants and helps you into those too. He chuckles as he finds your sports bra, slipping it over your head.
“Maybe you should pop out a kid or two,” and your jaw drops.
“Yeah, sure! I’ll drop my whole life and have babies! Ruin my career, my tits, everything I’ve worked for just to give evolution the middle finger!” You exclaim, annoyed he’d even suggest it. But he’s fully laughing, searching for your shirt under the bed.
“I’s a joke, love. You don’t take those as well as you take my cock,” he husks, finding the army green tank and slipping it over your head. “Besides, it would be a shame to ruin these perfect tits,” he tells you, standing behind you and cupping said perfect tits. Fuck, you didn’t think you could go again but the way his thumbs are brushing over your nipples right now is making you question that. “Well, we better get back to writin’ our reports. Price’ll wonder why we’ve been gone so long,” he says, slapping you on the ass and striding out the door. You’re left panting and annoyed, but you follow after a reasonable amount of time and when you make it back to your desk, Soap is standing next to it looking like the cat that ate the canary.
“Aye, lass. Y’look good today. Exceptional even,” he drawls, and if you weren’t rolling your eyes you’d have noticed his own flick over to Ghost to gauge his reaction.
“Get off my desk, Johnny.”
“Will do, but would ya like t’have a drink with me tonight?” He’s leaned down, in your space, his bright eyes full of mischief.
“No.” You tell him, you’re not really annoyed with him but you are frustrated because Ghost left you horny and every bit as distracted as you were before he fucked you stupid. Your hand flashes out and connects with the inside of Soaps elbow, knocking him off his balance. Ghost chuckles from behind you at his own desk.
“Might wanna leave the girl alone, Johnny. I think she could kick your ass,”
“Ooh I might like that,” Johnny says, not fazed at all that you hit him. Ghost has to suppress a groan at the idea of watching you and Johnny wrestling for dominance. He’s pretty sure you would win and the idea of you fucking Johnny stupid the way he fucks you stupid has him hardening in his pants.
“Johnny,” you start, your voice all sugar sweet and sticky. “Can you do something for me?” Your tone is full of promise and Johnny’s eyes droop as he mutters a gentle ‘of course, lass’
“Go get me some Tylenol and coffee, Johnny,” you say, smacking him upside the head. Simon barks a laugh from behind you, and Johnny looks graciously indignant.
“Aye, lass. Whatever you want,” he’s no actually offended, but he played the part well. Off he slinks, to retrieve the items you’ve asked for and Ghost feels a rush of relief that he’s not the only person in this compound that cares for you.
#simon riley#simon ghost riley#ghost cod#simon riley x reader#simon riley x you#ghost x reader#ghost x you#ghost smut#simon riley smut#cod smut#call of duty smut
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Pretty Young Thing: Angel Reyes x Reader (NSFW)
Tagging: @kmc1989 @witches-unruly-heart @keyweegirlie @trhett21 @annetje @infinity-mars @danzer8705 @im-just-a-mississippi-girl @thatonesexycancerian @weiwei02100 @anime-weeb-4-life @harperdoodle @cheyrenee @fanfic-n-tabulous @deliriousfangirl61 @@daydreaming-belle @est1887 @thanossexual @creativitybeware @librarian1002 @mortal--soul @buddinglinguist @wnbweasley @spookyboogyuniverse @skyesthebomb @spaghettificationandpretzels @joyfulfxckery @nu1freakshow @thebaileybugle @legally-a-bastard @bonsaijoons @justreblogginfics
It’s Taza’s fault.
Ever since the other man had revealed that he preferred ass over pussy, Angel can’t stop thinking about it. He’s done anal before, but he’s always been the giver, never the receiver. What makes it worse is that Taza refuses to any of his questions.
“What does it feel like?” He’d asked the other man as he slide into the seat across from him and Taza had laughed before saying.
“Why don’t you talk to that pretty, young thing of yours and find out?”
He broaches the topic whilst the two of you are doing the dishes in the kitchen. Felipe’s playing with Valeria in the living room, so he knows he won’t be overheard.
“I can’t get it out of my head.” He mutters, his hip bumping against yours as the two of you lean back against the work surface. “What if I’m missing something? I mean a lot of guys do it right? So, it must feel good.”
“Do you want to try it?” You ask him, drying the last plate before handing it to him.
He bobs his head from side to side in indecision, it’s a big step even for Angel.
“Let’s experiment a little first.” You suggest. “Go slow, see if you like it.”
It starts with a finger. The two of you are getting hot and heavy later that night, trying to keep things quiet because Valeria is in the next room and Felipe down the hall. You’ve become savants at it at this point, your trysts stifled by hands and pillows. You’re a tease tonight, it’s becoming more and more frequent over the last few weeks because since you’ve been shot you need to regain some assemble of control and if Angel’s honest, he needs to lose it.
When your lubed up fingers trace around his hole, he’s surprised to find he likes it. It’s a sensitive area and you’re an expert at reading him, you can tell he wants a little more from the way his hips arch trying to take your finger. The sound he makes when you enter him, it’s loud and you have to clap your free hand over his mouth to silence him. He gets off on that because his Reina, she always takes care of him, she knows exactly what he needs.
“Touch yourself.” You command and fuck, if he doesn’t obey.
You take him apart slowly, adding another finger, stretching him as you brush over that deviant little spot the one that makes his hips buck and his dick twitch. You can tell he’s close, his movements become more frantic, his breath more ragged. The ecstasy, it’s intense, more intense than Angel has ever felt before. It tears through Angel like an IED exploding through his synapses. Your palm presses down over his mouth even harder as Angel becomes completely untethered.
“You liked that.” You murmur after you’ve washed up, your lips brushing over the corner of his mouth.
The two of you are tangled up in one another, your fingertips ghosting along his cheekbone as he holds you close.
“Felt good.” He mumbles drowsily. He feels so relaxed right now, so loved so cared for. It reminds him of the days before the shooting, before Valeria, when the two of you were just a little wild. It’s been a while since he’s had that feeling, that he hasn’t felt burdened by the weight of his responsibilities.
“You want to try a little more next time?”
He smiles against your mouth, his lips claiming yours.
“I’ll book a hotel.”
***
It feels like the first time that Angel took you to bed. You take care of him the same way as you did back then, with teasing caresses and heated lips that chase over his erogenous zones. It leaves him relaxed and wanting, his dick leaking as you kiss him everywhere but the one place, he needs you too. He whines when you pull away, unwilling to relinquish the contact. You shush him, your lips brushing over his sweetly as you smear lube over the black strap on you’re wearing.
“Don’t worry my Angel, I’ll give you what you need.”
You love seeing him like this, so wanton, so desperate. You enter him slowly, and he takes you inch by inch until the toy brushes over his prostate and he moans like a fucking whore. You dip your head low, your mouth covering his as your thumb ghosts along the line of his jaw. It grounds him, anchoring him in the moment as you begin to move in languid strokes, each one leaving him breathless.
There’s a relief in the sensation, to be the one taken, instead of taking. He didn’t realise how much he needed it until this moment, how much he craved it.
“Harder.” He mutters. “Fuck me like you mean it.”
“You’re sure?” You ask him and he takes your hand, guiding it up to his throat.
“Remind me who I belong to, Mi Reina.” He whispers. “Make me believe I’m yours.”
You absolutely ruin him.
You fuck him hard, your hand squeezing his throat until the edges of his vision turn black and his cock throbs. Everytime, you release him he whines because he can taste nirvana, it’s there just out of reach but you won’t let him touch it.
“Please…” He pleads as the ecstasy surges up through his veins, setting every single one of his nerve endings ablaze.
“Oh Angel, you beg so pretty.” You tell him, that sinful smile crossing your features. “How can I deny my good boy anything?”
Those words…
He feels the flush creeping up his cheeks because Angel, he’s never been the good anything. It taps into something deep inside his psyche, heightens the intimacy as your hand drifts down to his cock, your thumb spreading pre-cum over the tip. You jerk him off in time with your thrusts, each one taking him right to the precipice.
The air rushes out of his chest as the pleasure hits him, it overwhelming, the way it tears through his synapses like a wildfire burning up his sanity. He’s loud when he comes, so fucking loud the guy in the next room bangs on the fucking wall. Angel doesn’t give a shit because the euphoria that’s racing through his system, it’s like a narcotic.
He whines as you withdraw from his body, he feels empty and overwrought in the moment but then you’re back by his side in an instant, the toy discarded. He moans as your hands trail over his sensitive skin, soothing and tender. You kiss his lips and he’s flooded with a sense of security that he has never felt with any other person.
The next day he sits down across from Taza as the other man flicks through a newspaper with his reading glasses on. He glances up, taking stock of the expression on Angel’s face, before a smile ghosts across his lips.
“You tried it.” He says, turning the next page.
“I owe you a beer.” Angel mutters, sliding one of the two bottles he’s brought over towards Taza. “You know for the advice.”
“Why don’t you talk to that pretty, young thing of yours and find out?”
Taza smiles before he picks up the beer and takes a sip.
“Honestly Angel, you don’t owe me a damn thing.”
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Indecent Proposal (21)
Summary: Your boyfriend wants to be part of their empire. You are the pawn he’s willing to sacrifice.
Pairing: Mobster!Stucky x fem!Reader
Warnings: established Stucky, caring mobsters, pregnant reader, polyamory, fluff, romance, a little angst
Indecent Proposal (20)
Indecent Proposal masterlist
“Doll, you need to calm down. I’m fine,” Steve sighs deeply. He cannot stop you from cleaning his knuckles with a swap. “We want you to eat something and have a warm bath.”
“Y/N,” Bucky runs his hand over your back. “Stevie is right. Let him clean his knuckles. I’ll get you something to eat.”
You shake your head and grab Steve’s wrist when he tries to pull away. “No. I need…I need something to do to keep my mind off what happened. Please let me do this.”
Both men look at each other and swallow thickly. It was more than a close call. They believed you were safest at their home. How very wrong they were.
One simple lie and the woman attacking you sneaked inside their well-guarded home to fulfill her mission. – To kill you and your babies.
“Steve,” Bucky knows exactly what’s going on in his husband’s mind, “don’t. We couldn’t know she’d try to sneak inside our home. She was bold and determined, I give her that.”
“We promised Y/N to protect her and failed,” Steve sniffs. “How can she still feel safe if that woman could easily sneak inside our home.”
“The security was looking for Rumlow, not that nurse. How should we have known, Steve? Sometimes we fuck things up. It happens.”
“It cannot happen, Buck!” Steve angrily replies. “We have a pregnant wife, and that woman almost killed her and our babies!”
You wrap your arms around Steve’s neck. “It’s not your fault. Bucky saved me.”
“Because he’s a horny bastard,” Steve wraps his arms around you and brings you in his lap. “I don’t want to think about what could’ve happened if he wasn’t such a horny dog.”
“Same—” Bucky is unusually silent tonight. He blames himself for not walking you to the bathroom. If only he followed you the moment you told him you needed to pee, the attack could’ve been avoided.
“It’s not your fault either, Buck. You saved me with your incredible knife skills,” you drip your head to look at Bucky. “Come here for cuddles.”
“Only for a moment. I need to talk to Jake about the security cameras and check on the gate again. We cannot risk another lapse.”
Bucky joins you and Steve. He wraps both of you in a hug and nuzzles his face in his husband’s neck. For a few moments, he allows himself to be a loving husband and soon-to-be father.
The moment he leaves the room, he’ll turn into the stone-cold mobster his enemies fear. He’ll give Rumlow no chance to escape or get even close to you.
Steve was right. It’s hunting season and James Buchanan Barnes will be the hunter bringing Rumlow down.
“Barnes, you can’t be serious,” Natasha hisses. “I was nothing but loyal to you, Steve, and your organization. I’d never betray you.”
“You’ve been loyal to the money you got from us. Nothing else. You don’t know shit about loyalty and to die for the people close to you. If you are standing in my way in this, I’ll make sure that you get out of my way.”
“Bucky,” she tries to sweet-talk herself out of the more than dangerous situation she’s in. If Bucky knows that she warned Rumlow, and told him to leave town weeks ago, she will end up dead. Just like the nurse. “I don’t know what has gotten into him.”
“We know,” Bucky sneers at Natasha. “This is about some woman who didn’t respect boundaries. She tried to kill Steve to have me all for herself.”
Bucky points at the manila folder on Natasha’s desk.
Natasha quirks a brow. She opens the folder and thumbs through the pages. “I see. She killed herself.” She hums. “But what has this to do with Rumlow?”
“She’s his ex-girlfriend. He didn’t take it well that she left him to live a better life in the big city. Rumlow took it even worse that she killed herself because I wouldn’t let her murder my husband.”
“In other words,” Natasha sighs deeply, “your dick got you in trouble.”
“That’s not funny, Romanoff,” Bucky spats. “If you know where Rumlow is, this is your last chance to help us. Think about it.” He places an envelope filled with money on her desk. “I’ll give you a choice.”
“What do you mean?” She furrows her brows.
“You can stand there and lie to me to protect Rumlow, or you’ll take the money to go on a vacation after you tell me where he is,” Bucky slides a knife out of his sleeve. He twirls it between his fingers while keeping an eye on Natasha. “I cannot guarantee your safety if you decide on protecting him, though.”
“You’re threatening me, Barnes?“ She huffs to sound confident, but in reality, she fears for her life.
“No,” he steps closer, holding his knife in a tight grip. “I’m telling you exactly what’s going to happen.” Bucky takes another step toward Natasha to underline his words. “I do not threaten people. If I tell you that I’m going to kill you, then you’ll end up dead.”
She sucks in a breath. Natasha is by all means not a damsel in distress or easily scared. This doesn’t mean she she's not intimidated when an angry James Buchanan Barnes stands in front of her, a knife in his hand.
“You can have a good life, Natasha,” he whispers lowly. “Enough money to fulfill all of your wishes.” Bucky dips his head to look at the pictures on her desk. “If you want to leave town, we can arrange that too. New identity, new life. No problem.”
“I only need to rat Rumlow out,” she bitterly replies. “It’s like I killed him myself if I do so.”
“Natasha, he sent that woman to kill Y/N and our babies. If he wants us dead because his ex-girlfriend killed herself, fine. But he went after Y/N. She has nothing to do with this shit. Rumlow crossed more than one line. You know that.”
“He tried to kill the babies?” Her eyes widen, and she drops the picture in her hands. “Why didn’t you tell me this first?”
“I thought you heard it through the grapevine,” Bucky scoffs. “So, what will it be, Nat? Are you in or out?”
“I tried to save his life, believing he’s after you because he tries to bring your empire down. I believed he’s a good cop, nothing else, Bucky.” She drops the manila folder on her desk. “If this is a vendetta because of some girl, he’s all yours.”
Bucky watches Natasha grab her phone. “I assume you’re all in.”
“I don’t want to know what happened to him. Barnes, whatever you do to him, his body cannot be found in my town. Get rid of him. Throw him into the Grand Canyon. I don’t care. Just don’t do it in my town.”
“Fine.”
“I can’t guarantee that he’s there,” she says while scribbling down two addresses and two phone numbers. “The first number is his normal phone. The other one is a burner phone he used to call me a few weeks ago. Maybe your little geek can trace one of his phones.”
“That’s a start,” Bucky grabs the piece of paper. “I was never here.” He warns, still not convinced that Natasha is on their side. “Remember, you didn’t hear of Rumlow for weeks and know nothing about his activities.”
“You should’ve been a man and come here yourself, not send a girl. If you want something to be done right, do it yourself.”
He can hear Rumlow suck in a breath at the end of the line. If only he stays on the phone for a little longer, Jensen can trace his phone and find out where the bastard is hiding.
Bucky squares his jaw and takes a deep breath. He hates being like this, but this can’t be helped.
“You know, she died too fast for my taste. I would’ve liked hurting her for a little longer. She tried to kill my wife and babies after all.”
“You damn bastard,” Rumlow growls into the phone. “First my girl, and then her sister? How can you look in the mirror, you monster.”
“What do you want to do about it?” Bucky laughs into the phone. “How about you man up and we meet to settle things between us…”
He dips his head to look at Jensen, his brows furrowed.
Jake nods silently pointing at the computer to tell Bucky he found Rumlow’s position…
Tags in reblog.
#Indecent Proposal (21)#bucky barnes#steve rogers#stucky#stucky x reader#female reader#mafia au#mobster!stucky#stucky x you
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june 5: gold | @wolfstarmicrofic | word count: 412
PREVIOUS PART • NEXT PART • FIRST PART
Remus is rendered in golds and in shadows. The light of the moon comes through the window but doesn’t touch him here, the oil lamp stronger in the night with its soft, diffused glow. It sets Remus’ curls alight, reflects in his eyes – sharper and more yellow with the coming full moon.
Sirius throws caution to the wind. It’s only possible because it’s 2am and nights like this tend themselves to hazy conversations with words which couldn’t be said in the morning.
You’re my home, Sirius thinks a nonsensical thought and out loud says: “I want to keep you close.”
Remus’ hand pressed into his skin, held immobile by a tight grip Sirius can’t release.
“I want to keep you safe,” Sirius continues, and he knows that the words are true and that they are an explanation for the tattoo, but it’s not the full truth. Is it? No, he feels that somewhere else, like a blind spot in his mind. Frustrated with the need to scratch it into forefront and scared of what he would reveal.
“You do keep me safe, Sirius,” Remus says because he always knows how to soothe. “And if you want me close, I’ll be there. I’m not going anywhere.”
Moony has fingers made for holding quills and wands, a voice for speaking ancient words. Now he holds Sirius, fingers over heart, and his words are a balm.
“Really?”
“Of course, Pads. You know that. Anything for you. You didn’t have to tattoo a wolf symbol on yourself to bind me to you.”
Something unlocks. Is that what he’d been doing? He’s well aware of the end of the year fast approaching and with it the last of times they’ll live together like this – sure they’ve all agreed to share a flat after Hogwarts, but Sirius isn’t naïve. He knows life gets in the way of all plans. Maybe that was what it was, a desperate attempt to keep Moony with him, in any form, in any way.
“And you don’t mind?”
“Mind? Pads, how could I mind. I feel the same way.”
Yes, he thinks, but also not quite, not enough. It should be a relief – it is a relief that Remus, Moony, his Moony feels the same about the situation, but the part of Sirius he doesn’t like to think about (the part he thinks is the Black family madness) cries out more.
Behind them there is a click of a door opening, then footsteps.
NOTES:
This is part 5!
This is a bit shorter than usual which I am sorry for, but I’m also pretty sure it’s worse than usual which I’m *more* sorry for. I got made redundant today (and on maternity leave, too!) so feeling a bit meh about life. I’ll probably come back and revisit it at some point in the future.
Remus is always golden when I write him - skin and hair and mind etc - so this was a nice prompt to get.
@moon-girl88 @digital-kam @tealeavesandtrash @sweetstarryskies @alltoounwellll @hunnybeemarie @hoje--aqui
(let me know if you do/don’t want to be tagged in next parts)
#remus lupin#sirius black#wolfstar#marauders#dead gay wizards#fanfic#marauders era#microfiction#remus x sirius#wolfstar microfic
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Congratulations on your milestone! If you are still doing this, can I request a jukebox roulette for Rex with a F! Reader or OC, with the song:
I'm so excited to see what you do with this!
Thank you so much @callsign-denmark !
You are such a sweetheart.
I listened to this song, and then the album and I just love this band! Thank you for introducing them to me!
Alright, so I hope you love my interpretation of this, it might not be what you were hoping for, but I tried.
Love oo
Glowing In The Dark
Warnings: Severe injury, tears, begging, pleading, declarations of love, realities of war, passing out from exhaustion, refusing to leave, surgery, symbiotic relationship, angst, hurt/comfort. I think that's it. If I miss anything please let me know.
Main Master List | Star Wars Jukebox Roulette | AO3 Link
The bruises, cuts, and pain that radiated on your face and body, was too much for Rex. He held your hand as you waited for a medic. The fighting had been especially brutal, and the med tent was inundated with casualties, some far worse than yours.
Tears pricked his eyes as you lay there moaning in pain.
“You’re alright, cyar’ika. You’re going to be alright. Just hang in there. Please.”
He pressed a subtle kiss to the back of your hand, not that he really needed to be subtle, every single person part of the 501st knew you two were together. It was the worst kept secret, and frankly neither of you cared.
He certainly didn’t, when you showed up in his life you were a light in the darkness.
Not just figuratively, but also quite literally. You’d fallen into a bioluminescent pond and when you came upon Rex and General Skywalker, with your own elite Commando unit, he thought you were a glowing angel in the dark.
It was thanks to your ethereal appearance, he survived that mission. The other side, thought you were a ghost, and scared them into dropping their weapons.
You coughed, and groaned in pain, he squeezed your hand, “Cyar’ika, hang in there. Just think about what we’re going to do next shore leave. You promised me to take me… what was that again, oh right window shopping. Whatever that is. You said we’d spend the day together, relaxing and enjoying the day. So… you need to hold on so we can do that together.”
The warm liquid filling his eyes was getting to be too much, as he subtly brushed them away.
“Remember the last time we were on Trip Zip, you convinced me to go to a poetry reading. I know I grumbled all night about it, but I’ll gladly suffer through another night of that if it means I get to sit beside you, holding your hand, feeling your body pressed against mine. So please hold on.”
There was a tear that slid down your cheek, as the pain was becoming unbearable.
“MEDIC!” Rex called again, hoping someone was free. Where was Kix when he needed him!
“Rex…” you softly whispered.
He leaned in closer, “What is it, cyar’ika?”
“I … I …” you coughed again, “ I love … you.”
“I love you, too, but right now save your strength. Just stay awake for me, okay?”
Your head moved slowly, an almost imperceptible nod.
“Do you remember our first night together? How hard you held on to me, never wanting to let me go? That’s how hard I need you to fight right now. I need you to keep awake, to stay here with me. Please, you’re my light in the dark. I can’t lose you.”
The usually stoic voice trembled out of his mouth. He didn’t want to lose it, he needed to stay strong for you.
With each passing minute and second, he felt his heart screaming more and more for you, begging for you to not leave him. To stay by his side, to always stay.
“Baby …” his voice was barely above a whisper, the only person who could hear him was you, “don’t leave me. Please. I’ve learned to bear the loss of so many of my brothers, I’ve tried to be strong, to not let it get to me, but … please.” He pressed his forehead against your hand, “Please, I won’t make it if you leave me too.”
His body slowly moved closer, kneeling beside the stretcher you were on, “I’ve learned to bear their passing, the responsibility of their loss, of what it means to be Captain, and … I promise, I’ll bear everything else. I’ll do everything and anything, just please … please stay.”
Tears streamed down his cheek as he felt the grip that had been so strong moments slowly start to wane.
“MEDIC!” He shouted again, praying this time that one of the medics were free.
“Vod?” Kix ran over to the tent the minute he heard Rex’s voice, he’d just made it back from the front but as soon as he saw your face, the way your body slowly started to relax, he knew there was no time.
Rex turned to look at his vod, tears trickling down his face as he clenched your hand against his chest, “Vod, I … I can’t see her glow… where’s her glow?”
“MEDIC TEAM ON ME!”
Within an instant you were lifted away from Rex and taken behind the surgical screen, Rex stayed kneeling on the ground in that very spot, afraid to move, afraid that if he did he’d lose his connection to you.
Despite everyone trying to coax him to a seat, to rest, to get some food, he refused. He simply waited kneeling in that spot, his eyes closed the entire time you were in surgery. It was almost six hours later when Kix and his team brought you back to him. You looked better, there was a slight glow to your skin. Despite the fact it had almost been a year since you fell into that bioluminescent pool, you still glowed in the dark.
“Don’t worry she’ll be alright,” Kix pressed his hand against Rex’s shoulder, “took out quite a bit of shrapnel, fixed a few broken bones, and a perforated bowel, but she’ll be alright. Once we get them onboard the Resolute, she’ll be going straight into a bacta tank.”
Rex crumpled against the ground as soon as he knew you were safe, he was beyond exhausted from the stress and anxiety of almost losing you. Kix, simply smirked, shaking his head as they arranged for him to have a cot right beside you.
Main Master List | Star Wars Jukebox Roulette | AO3 Link
Tag list:
@liadamerondjarin @badbatch-simp24@spicymcnuggies@lady-ren @firstofficerwiggles @darkangel4121 @discofern @kavecika @monako-jinn-stories @ladykatakuri @avathebestx @theroguesully @furyhellfire66 @carodealmeida @ciramaris @sprout-fics @twinkofthedink @dindjarin-mandalorian @ulchabhangorm @littlemisspascal @tortor-mcgee @vodika-vibes @clonethirstingisreal @crosshair-is-the-superior-clone @totallyunidentified @griffedeloup @leotatombs @leotawrites
#575 follower celebration!#Jukebox Roulette#Love oo#I hope you guys have fun with this#Follower Celebration#Star Wars Fic Roulette#Fic Roulette#star wars the clone wars#star wars: the clone wars#star wars#starwars#the clone wars#the Mandalorian#Andor#Book of Boba Fett#original trilogy#Obi-wan#Ahsoka#The Bad Batch#star wars prequels#Didn't expect to do another follower celebration so soon#pick your character#tell me your favourite song#clone wars rex#clone captain rex#rex clone wars#captain rex#rex#rex x f!reader#captain rex x female reader
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Visit to Manchester
Another scene I wrote for my fic that got removed.
Summary: Established relationship Simon x OC, 1.6k words. Mentions of feeling sick and vomiting, throwing up, unplanned pregnancy scare (kinda), mentions of medication including birth control, hurt/comfort... I don't watch football, I don't know which team is better :(
MASTERLIST
Enjoy <3
I promised I would spend the weekend in Manchester with Simon but after the 3 hour train ride I was feeling exhausted. I would have driven but I was not feeling well, I woke up with a headache I couldn’t shake for hours. Then my stomach had been doing flips all day. I had gone through a whole pack of alcohol wipes using them to quell the constant urge to vomit. I should have maybe cancelled, but I made the trip anyway, it’s only for 2 days. I’m sure it’s just something I’ve eaten I’ll probably feel better later. Or I could just be hungry? I tried to push the thought away as the train came into Manchester station. I stepped onto the platform and headed through the gates, I saw Simon distracted by his phone. I smiled and walked over to him picking up my pace so I could jump in his embrace. He looked up from his phone smiling as he hugging me. He smelt of aftershave I had to pull back from the hug, it made my stomach do flips again. He plants a kiss on my forehead and I grab his hand as we go outside.
“How was the train?” He asked leading me to the car park.
“Okay I guess, it was busy.” It was Friday peak evening rush, I should have come a day earlier.
“You should have driven you wouldn’t need to worry about parking.” I shrug. We get to his car and I throw my bag in the back seats then get in the front. I feel the rush of adrenaline as my mouth fills with saliva. I force myself to swallow, the embarrassing thought of throwing up in his car grounds me.
“Do you have any mints?” I ask as he pulls out the parking spot.
“Should be some gum somewhere.” I start looking through the glove box sure enough there’s an open packet. I pop one in my mouth offering him one. He shakes his head. The drive to his flat was quick only about 10 minutes I listened to him talk about what he was doing in London, it gave me something to focus on other then the pit re-forming in my stomach. When we got to his place I spat the gum in a trash bin and followed him to the lift. He was on the top floor so we would get a nice view of Manchester, or at least that’s what he promised. I had to squeeze his hand to keep myself grounded, by the time the lift made it to his flat I was trying to hide the hot flush that came over me.
“Sorry the place is a bit of a mess I only got back yesterday.” He says as he opens the door. He didn’t seem to notice my change in demeanour, inviting me inside. It was a nice flat, open plan bar the bedroom and bathroom, and the nice balcony overlooking the city. I smiled making my way over to the couch, dropping my bag by the coffee table. He turned on lights and opened the balcony door a bit letting fresh air in. The breeze was nice. I took my shoes off as he came to sit next to me. Extending his arm out so I could rest my head on his shoulder.
“You okay?” He asks. I panic I don’t want him to think there is anything wrong but It just makes the feeling worse, the lump comes back in my throat.
“Yeah, just feeling a bit… ill.” I said, he pulled back looking at me.
“Do you need anything?” He asked.
“Water?” I ask. He kisses my forehead then gets up. I sit up feeling my mouth fill with saliva again. I try to swallow but it doesn’t help. I freeze feeling shivers run up my body. I’m going to be sick. I stand up walking to the bathroom, but it soon turns into a run as I barely make it to the toilet before I’m vomiting into the bowl. I grip the seat heaving until I’m sweaty and exhausted. I reach up and flush the toilet hearing Simon knock on the bathroom door.
“Can I come in?” He asks.
“Yeah.” I croak. He walks in handing me a glass of water I swill my mouth out and spit it in the toilet. I sit back against the sink looking up at him. He bends down in front of me.
“I’m sorry.” I say. “I think it was something I ate.”
“It’s alright.” He says brushing my hair out my face. I drink some more water trying to get the taste of vomit out my mouth, when I’m feeling better and my stomach has settled Simon helps me to my feet. He goes into the bedroom and I follow him grabbing my bag from beside the coffee table. He’s rummaging through his wardrobe, as I strip changing my shirt to something more comfortable. I feel clammy as I throw my pants, shirt and bra onto the floor. My whole body feels fragile as he walks over to me with a blanket in his arms.
“You want to lie down? Or we could just chill on the sofa?” He says.
“Sofa sounds nice.” I reply. He takes my hand in his and I follow him out to the sofa. He sits down leaning back. Giving me plenty of room to lie up against him. I smile at him and sit on the sofa. I want to lie in his shoulder but the pain in my stomach forces me to plant my head on his thighs.
“Want a pillow?” He asks throwing the blanket over me.
“I’m okay.” I say, I was feeling exhausted now. Simon’s hand slips under the blanket and he rubs my back.
“What me to put the TV on?” He asks.
“Yeah.” Some background noise might actually help give my mind something to focus on. He reaches over to the remote turning it on and channel surfing until he lands on a Top Gear re-run. I feel him lean back more giving me more room for my head. He rubs his hand up and down my back. Eventually I close my eyes exhaustion taking over I feel Simon’s hand move under my shirt pressing on the small of my back making me relax into him more, before I knew it I had dosed off.
I was woken to the sound of the doorbell. I jumped up looking out the window it was dark now.
“Sorry, I did tell them not to ring the bell.” I sit up feeling dizzy. He gets up heading to the door. I see him take a bag from someone and say thank you.
“I was going to order Chinese but it thought maybe you might want something a bit lighter.” He comes over to the sofa. “There is this great deli does the best panini’s I’ve ever had.” I smile as he starts taking food out the bag. I pick up a bottle of water and gulp it down. My stomach felt more settled now.
“It’s mozzarella, tomato and pesto.” I take it out his hand and rip the paper off. It did smell amazing. I took a bite hoping it would go down easy and I wouldn’t be heaving into the toilet again. He was right though it was amazing.
“So they put crack in the pesto or something?” I ask smiling at him.
“Yeah I think that’s it.” He laughs. I demolish the sandwich as we contemplate what to watch. I let him pick and I snuggle up to his chest with his arm round me. I’m not paying attention to the TV so he ends up on Sky sports watching the local game. I don’t mind, I’m just happy my brain isn’t in ‘do not vomit’ mode. He leans back once he is happy with his choice.
“I thought Man-U weren't playing this week?” Trying to sound invested in what was going on.
“This is Man city love,” He says running his and down my back.
“Which ones the good one?” I ask. He chuckles pulling my body further up his chest.
“Depends on who you ask.” He says. I watch the players run around trying to focus on what the casters where saying, hoping I could understand something so I didn’t come across as the typical woman who knows nothing about football. Every now and then something would happen and Simon would explain what was happening. I listened to his enthusiastic remarks then it went to half time. Simon got up clearing the trash and taking a beer out the fridge. He didn’t offer me one but he asked if he could have one. I was almost taken aback by the question, nodding my head telling him ‘of course it’s your place.’ He came back to the sofa pulling me back on his chest and making sure I was covered by the blanket. I felt him relax back down as he took a sip from the can.
“I’m not pregnant by the way.” He seemed shocked by the statement, coughing mid drink, I guess it was pretty out of the blue. He placed his can on the coffee table wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.
“I never thought… I wasn’t worried about that.” He says as I feel his body stiffen.
"I’m on the pill.” I say gripping his body tighter. He seemed flustered as he squeezes my hip. “Periods are a bitch on deployment.” I explain, trying to lighten the mood. He smiles down at me kissing my forehead.
“It’s okay.” He says. Those two words reassured me every thing was okay. It made me relax back into his chest while he adjusts the volume on the TV as the game starts up again. I smile rubbing my hand on his stomach.
“So do we like this team or not?” I ask as his hand finds its familiar spot on my back.
“Yeah we like this team.” He replies kissing the top of my head.
#fanfic#call of duty#cod#simon ghost riley#ao3#ao3 fanfic#simon riley x oc#hurt/comfort#sickness#tw vomit#tw sickness#soft simon riley#established relationship#original character#tf 141
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.
#it is so hard being scared of my own body#like everyone thinks the problem with migraines is the pain#and at least for me it’s really not#pain’s pain it sucks but you cope#I’m not scared of things hurting I’m scared of losing function#I can’t walk up stairs I can’t say words right I can’t drive I can’t think I can’t balance#that’s what scares me shitless#losing the ability to do what I need or want to do#and my migraines are getting worse and worse#and if they keep getting worse I don’t know what I’ll do#I’m running out of options and I’m not a teenager anymore#and I had almost four fucking years with this mostly under control so I know what I’m losing now#and I just thought the word remission for the first time and god fuck no#I can’t do this but I have to#fuck fuck fuck fuck#and I’m scared because like#we never found out the cause before there was nothing wrong in my brain#but this is getting worse and worse and what changed#is there something now???#god it feels like I’ve just had four years of intense effort at management flushed down the drain#drugs and lifestyle changes and generally reshaping my whole life#and it’s not working anymore.
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how many breakdowns should you have about dropping out before you seriously consider dropping out. asking for a friend teehee
#shock horror. i am not asking for a friend#turns out going to uni bc you had no idea what else to do + taking a course you’re mostly interested in bc you like space#is not necessarily a good idea. who would have thought#see the thing is if this didn’t cost money i wouldn’t be so worried. but i don’t want to keep having this breakdown and eventually drop out#in like a year’s time with twice the amount of debt or whatever#rn now i keep looking on indeed like hmm. i could totally drive trains that would be an amazing idea. driving a milk float!! so slay!!#bc i realised shortly after getting here that i do not want to do a phd which basically rules out any astrophysics jobs#my mum suggested looking at summer placements but quite frankly i need to get a job over summer if i stick with my degree bc i am ✨broke✨#rn i’m saying shit like oh i’ll just write a book and get it published. totally feasible way to make some quick cash (delusional)(knows it)#november has been hell i do not have a draft let alone a book#and i’m tired and i haven’t had a proper meal since thursday and my room is a tip#i‘ve had like three conversations with my friends in the past fortnight and none of them lasted longer than five minutes#i was so fucking excited for uni!! it was going to be so good!! i feel bad for wanting to drop out bc i don’t hate it!!#i just don’t really like it either#god fucking damn it. this shit is worse than a sexuality crisis. at least they had zero real world impact bc i was an antisocial fucker#this is the rest of my fucking life!! the hell!!
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My good sir, you’re starting to act like Stanley when it comes to your sense of self preservation.
I’m not going anywhere with this idea but if it was an au of this fic idea it would be called Outer Science.
#tsp#the sparrow parable#I’ll put it there since it’s tangentially related but it doesn’t happen#but if it did the Narrator would have absolutely no fucks to give#what are they gonna do??? hurt him????#he’s already lost his Stanley. it can’t get worse than that.#I WILL say don’t ask questions about this one I have no ideas for it beyond him repeatedly taunting them#if they miss their Stanley’s so much then they should have FUCKING treated them better#they just want to have someone to control and hurt again#sucks to suck!#anyway yeah like the only other thought I’d have is Leigh seeing his narrator#who keeps telling him to cmon let’s go. be good and follow me.#Leigh looks at him. stares. signs slowly. ‘you know. I could have really loved you.’ and walks away.#reset the actors on stage#Parable Actors
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started season 4 of stargate atlantis! they’re not gonna kill elizabeth right? i don’t think they’d do that but after dr. beckett i wouldn’t put it past them
#if she dies i don’t know what i’ll do#atlantis has got to have some sort of murphy’s law thing going on because everything keeps getting infinitely worse!#stargate atlantis#star watches sga#s4e1
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god how much more of my life am i just missing memories of. When is this gonna STOP. I’m so tired of this
#am i going to have to keep doing this for years#is my life just always going to be Swiss cheese memory and variable functioning and variable working memory#and sometimes you can remember and sometimes you can’t even when you could remember yesterday and you wrote a note about it#etc etc#i don’t understand why my memory is so fucked up#and please don’t go it’s the trauma I know it’s the trauma but i still don’t understand#it’s just gotten WORSE over the past several years I made all these good changes I’ve gotten healthier I broke the cycle in my family#when do I get to have a working brain? when I can I trust that tomorrow when I wake up I’ll have skills i previously learned and they won’t#vanish overnight to show up again ten months later like they never left?#when am i going to stop remembering the same thing twenty times but never remembering I remembered it until i see a post or a note that i di#I’m just tired of this#I’m tired#i don’t see anyone else having memory issues like this and i don’t understand what I’m doing wrong#shh katie
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Heading to school now to finalize my decision to retake the year. Set your bets NOW on whether I’ll start crying again, completely shut down and will be unable to speak, or the third, secret option! (Not even I know what the third secret option is yet, but we’ll see!)
#it’s so funny like. this is entirely my decision#I don’t have to retake the year. but if things keep going like this I’m going to crash ceremoniously into a wall by the time#finals come around. so yeah#my parents straightup had no opinion on the matter and I don’t know whether to be glad or upset about that?#because like. yeah sure they didn’t scream or flip their shit. but I don’t want to have to make decisions like that without any#outside perspective yknow#but it’s been like that for years honestly#they’re completely uninvolved in everything I do basically#like my brother in Christ I’ve exclusively used a different name in school for over two years and you literally never noticed#it says my chosen name on all my projects! my assignments! everywhere#honestly I knew I could get away with it because they’d just be completely uninterested in what I do anyway lol#*lol#but. yeah#my portfolio is severely lacking and I can’t just catch that up like that#as I said my mental health is in shambles and our mental health support in this country is even worse off#and I honestly just feel kind of left alone in this decision making shit#like sure I’m an adult! but it’s not like I had much support with my decisions even before I was#no support while making a decision and only judgement after you make the decision#tbf the whole reason I’m so upset about this decision is because it means I’ll have to live at home for another year#I’d be a-okay with taking the rest of the semester off to get myself back on track and then put all I have into retaking the year#but like this I just feel really fucking tired#oops I guess this turned into a little bit of a#vent#sorry oops#delete later
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Just spent some time crying while sitting on the bathroom floor and proceeded to stay there for Who Knows How Long with my eyes closed, not quite asleep but mentally checked out of Existing.
I’m winning at life lmao
#negative tw#dragon’s ramblings#gotta love how whenever I have a Good Day planned; some fresh Hell breaks loose and I’m here trying to arrange the pieces lol#I’m just Tired. can’t even let myself get too comfortable because then shit goes bad#this is exactly why I can’t believe it when people say it’ll be better#not in a ‘it’ll never get better’ kinda way#that’s not what I’m saying at all#but in an ‘someone says they’ve got their shit together’ kinda way#because they Don’t. and it’s all just Words to me#I’ll believe it when I see it and when I see it for an extended period of time#because I don’t see it#so just stop even Trying to tell me otherwise#I’m tired and upset and confused and frustrated#and all I can do is try to weather the storm as best I can#because hopefully it’ll pass and when it does; the boat will still be afloat#but I can’t keep us from sinking on my own#and I don’t even know if the others are able to either#but fuck it; I’ll keep doing what I can#because I like to think that things would be a lot worse if I stopped#so fuck it. this is just how things are gonna be right now#at least I can type my shit down instead of screaming them at people#because I’d rather be That Person than the one actually screaming all the shitty things I’m thinking#because that sure as Hell isn’t helping anyone but whatever hgjtbughg
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i woke up too late to study (again) and it’s raining and i’m too depressed to go to uni so i have to cancel on all my friends today (again)
#i keep waking up really late on days where i don’t have class and i don’t know why#i suppose it’s because i’m debilitatingly depressed and the idea of being awake genuinely makes me want to vomit#i’m used to getting up at 7am for work and i never struggled with it but right now i just can’t do anything#and then i get more depressed and stressed and angry at myself because i’m not getting work done#i’m behind on all my deadlines and i’m trying so hard but nothing is happening because i’m too sad to function#i get this soul eating guilt and self hatred when i cancel on my friends#because i’m just the person who never follows through i always cancel and disappoint people and no one is surprised anymore#and i know i’ll be able to go to class tomorrow but i’m going to have to cancel on my friends for after that class too#because i’m too depressed to be around anyone i just want to be on my own and feel worse#i wish i could talk to someone about how bad i feel all the time but i’ve got a lifetime’s worth of feelings pent up and it’s too much#idk what to do with myself
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