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mysecretlittlelibrary · 10 months

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Just Let Me Adore You Pt. 12

Pairing: Stucky x Reader

Word Count: 5.2k

Warnings: okay soooo many. Violence, quite a bit of it actually, and then later it gets so nasty; oral (m & f receiving), double v penetration, mad dirty talk, praise kink goin craaaazy, double creampie, dumbification kind of- I think that's all of them but idk they fuck and it's filthy basically

Genre: maybe a little angst i think, lots of smut, even more fluff

Summary: You’ve been dating your boyfriend, Bruce, for 3 absolutely blissful years. He’s a scientist and professor who is as smart as he is kind and if anyone asked, you were sure you’d spend the rest of your life with him. That is until two mysteriously charming men that Bruce swears are dangerous take an interest in you that threatens to turn your entire life upside down. I mean… what exactly are you supposed to do with two gorgeous men telling you something that suggests that basically everything you think you know is a lie? And why does part of you have enough doubt to wonder if they might be telling the truth?

Series Masterlist

***

"Did you find her?" Steve asks.

"Fucking hell." She breathes out.

"What? What does that mean?" Steve frowns.

"How quickly can your people get ready to move because we need to go now."

"They're ready. Been on standby for your go ahead all night." Steve says.

"Good. This is the go ahead. I know where she is." Wanda says.

~*~*~

A glance at the clock tells you it's after nine. The clock is analog and there are no windows on this floor so while you're pretty sure it's morning, there's a chance it's been a whole day and it's night again. You sit cross legged on the bed, facing the clear wall, trying to come up with a plan of action. Your eyes narrow when you notice two shadows on the floor. People are walking this way. You gasp when you realize who one of them is and walk over to the glass wall.

"Bruce!" You yell banging on the plexiglass to make sure you get his attention. He jumps and turns to you, eyes the size of saucers when he sees you.

"Y/n? Oh my God." Bruce walks right up to the glass.

"What did you do?!" You ask.z

"Me? I- I had nothing to do with this I swear. I didn't know you were here! I swear." He shakes his head frantically.

"There were six people that knew what I was Bruce SIX and you were the first to find out. You kept a file on me like I was one of your little projects! How much do you wanna bet that stupid file is how I got here in the first place?"

"All I ever did was run a blood test and jot down some observations." He says defensively.

"All you ever did was run a blood test? On your girlfriend. Without her permission! Do you realize how not okay that is?!"

"I'm sorry! Look, I never wanted anything to happen to you. I will- find out who's responsible for this and get you out of here I swear."

"If you plan to help you'd better do it quickly because I can guarantee hell will be on your doorstep soon." You say.

"What's your tag?" Bruce asks you.

"Excuse me?"

"The uh- identification they gave you. Instead of your name. He would've given you an identification number, we use them for, ya know." Bruce's words trail off.

"Say it Bruce. Don't be shy. This is your work. I'm an experiment here."

"Look did he tell you your tag or not?"

"89273. I think." You say.

"You think? You need to be sure."

"I heard it once Bruce. Excuse me if I haven't committed to fucking memory yet." You roll your eyes.

"Y/n." He sighs.

"That's it. I'm sure." You nod.

"I need the letters."

"What?"

"The letters at the beginning. That's the part that makes it unique. Everyone here uses a different letter combination to keep our work organized. It'll help me figure it out."

"AZM." You say. Bruce mutters something that you can't exactly hear through the glass, but his face gives him away anyhow. "What is it? Why did you just get all pale?" You ask him.

"Nothing! Just- hang tight. I will- figure this out and get you out of here."

"Not like I can go anywhere in the meantime." You mutter. "Bruce!" You call before he can get far. He runs back over to your cell.

"Yes?"

"If I find out you're more involved in this than you are letting on, I will rip you to shreds in every sense of the word." You say. Bruce nods and dashes off. A few minutes later the camera in the back corner pops out from the wall and the whirring of its mechanics makes you turn around to face it.

"Good morning subject AZM89273." The same voice from before rings through the room. So, it is morning, just like you thought.

"You know, that arbitrary combination of letters and numbers is so many more syllables than just saying my name. I'm sure this is supposed to be some sort of display of your power in this situation but it really just seems like you're giving yourself more work." You say.

"That's funny I don't recall asking for your opinion on the matter."

"Yes well if we all stuck to doing explicitly what was asked of us I wouldn't be here so, we can't always have it our way now can we?" You roll your eyes.

"We will begin round two of testing in one hour and fifteen minutes."

"I'll be waiting! Not like I can go anywhere on my own." You say with a lazy shrug. The camera disappears back behind its panel in the wall and you're once again left with your own thoughts and plans.

~*~*~

"Wanda where exactly are we?" Bucky asks when the trio pulls up to the address she gave. She'd rushed them into action when she located you, giving an address to the driver with a group of their, Wanda calls them minions, following in other vehicles.

"Bruce's lab." She says walking towards the door quickly.

"Bruce as in y/n's ex Bruce?" Steve places a hand on her shoulder.

"Wanda hang on we don't have a plan." Bucky says.

"Yes as in y/n's ex. And the plan is to get in there, get her out, and maybe break a neck or two in the process." Wanda says.

"You didn't want to mention in advance that y/n's ex was responsible for this?" Steve asks.

"It makes sense." Bucky scoffs.

"I didn't say he was responsible because I don't know if he is. As far as I know he's not the only person that works here. It could be someone else that uses the space." Wanda says.

"Wilson." Steve looks over his shoulder to call towards the group that's waiting for instructions. Sam walks over to the three of them quickly.

"What's the plan?" He asks.

"Surround the building and find every entrance. I want the whole place covered. The primary goal is extraction. If you find y/n, she is your top priority other than that nobody gets in or out of this lab until she's safe and the bastards who did this are in front of me and Bucky is that understood?" Steve says.

"Crystal clear." Sam nods.

"No, wait. I will prioritize finding y/n. Your guys should focus on locking the place down so the culprit doesn't make a run for it." Wanda says. Bucky and Steve exchange a look and a slight nod.

"Fine. Focus on keeping everyone inside. If you find y/n in the process she still takes precedents but in the meanwhile don't let anyone get out of there until we've got who we need." Bucky says.

"On it." Sam returns to the group and starts giving out directions while Wanda stays with Steve and Bucky to discuss their own strategy.

~*~*~

Fifteen minutes to go before they move you again. Time drags so slowly in this room of blank white walls. Assuming they sedate you again, you'll have to wait until they're wheeling you back to this room to make a break for it. If you're lucky like last time, you'll wake up before they make it here and you should have no problem getting by a couple of scientists.

CODE BLACK; INTRUDER ALERT; INITIATING LOCKDOWN

The blaring alarm and sudden flashing red lights coax you quickly to your feet. Perhaps you should be alarmed by the sudden alert and angry red flashes considering you're trapped in a room, but you'd bet money the security breach in question is here for you and you're the only person whose safety is guaranteed.

"Uh- Don't know if anyone is listening to me or not but in case you are, I'm pretty sure that warning code of yours, means your time is up and you should start running. Or don't, it'll make everyone's life easier. You can't really escape this." You say loud enough that you should be heard even over the repetitive warning.

"Y/n!" You spin around at the sudden call of your name. Wanda's magicked a hole in the plexiglass wall of your cell.

"Wanda? Wait a second did you bring the calvary here?" You ask stepping through the hole into the hall with her.

"You sent me an SOS did you expect me to do nothing with it? Of course I did, you have the mob basically at your disposal." She says hugging you tightly.

"I know, I just didn't think you'd be here with them." You say with a small chuckle.

"Oh please they're just the muscle on this mission. I'm the one that found you." She scoffs. "Come on, your boyfriends went looking for the culprit. I'm sure they're waiting for you." She says draping her arm across your shoulders. The two of you head further into the facility, every so often passing frantic scientists being corralled by Steve and Bucky's men.

"I don't think all of these people were involved in this ya know." You say to Wanda.

"I'm sure they weren't but Steve and Bucky said no one's allowed out until they find the right people. Better safe than sorry." She shrugs.

"Yeah I guess so. There were three guys that kidnapped me, I didn't hear them all talk so assuming none of them are the guy orchestrating this there could be anywhere from 4 to 7 people involved, based on who I've seen or interacted with. There could be others of course. There have been some periods of unconsciousness on my end so-" You rattle off.

"Don't worry. I'm sure between your boyfriends and their minions they'll find out the exact number and their identities in no time." Wanda says. Eventually, you find Bucky and Steve, their backs are to you and Bucky's got someone pushed up against the wall. You rush up to them when you realize it's Bruce they're shaking down.

"Bruce." You say. Steve and Bucky turn to you and Steve has you in his arms not a second later. He's mumbling about you being okay and blaming himself and Bucky for this all happening (somehow), between kisses atop your head.

"Thank God you found her Wanda." Bucky says. As much as he wants to hug you he's not about to let Bruce go.

"Steve I'm alright. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, you can let me go." You mumble into his chest. It takes a few seconds before he unwinds his arms.

"Are you hurt? Do you need anything? I am so sorry princess. This should never have happened. I-"

"I'm okay Stevie. As far as I know all my parts and pieces are exactly where they're meant to be. You can stop doting and blaming yourself. That doesn't even make any sense." You say.

"We're just- so relieved to see you." Steve sighs.

"Right back at you." You say turning your attention to Bruce. "Are you going to tell me who's responsible for this Bruce, because I think you've known since you saw me a few hours ago and I couldn't push it then but now, your life is in- technically in his hands but whatever you tell me will determine if I let him kill you or not so choose your next words very carefully." You say.

"Wait a second it's not Bruce that locked you up?" Bucky glares at him.

"Not directly, I don't think so but I have a strong feeling he knows who did." You say.

"Y/n, please." Bruce chokes out.

"I need a name, Bruce. A name." You say.

"Dr. Gekko. Colin Gekko." Bruce relents.

"Describe him." You say.

"Brown hair, green eyes, tall and pale. He's got a birthmark on his neck." Bruce rushes the description out breathlessly.

"Drop him Bucky." You say. Bucky lets Bruce go and Bruce hunches over struggling to catch his breath. Steve is already on the phone before you can say anything.

"Clint, we need to find a Colin Gekko. Brown hair, birthmark on his neck, tall and pale with green eyes. If you can find a photo- yes, make sure everyone knows. He is the target." Steve says into his cell phone.

"We should start looking too." Wanda tells you. You nod in agreement.

"Y/n, wait." Bruce says before you've even started to walk away. He holds out a flash drive to you that you look at with confusion. "It's everything we have, on you. What Colin was doing, my- initial file. I've wiped them all from our servers but... I thought you'd wanna have the information." He explains. You take the thumb drive from him.

"Thanks." You mutter.

"I was so looking forward to finally having a reason to break his bones." Bucky rolls his eyes.

"You can break Colin's bones when we find him." You say. "I bet he's still in whatever observation room he was using to watch me."

"End of the hall." Bruce yells after you all. Following his suggestion, the four of you head down the hall towards the observation room. Bucky kicks the door in before you even try to open it. Chances are this Colin guy tried to barricade himself in there anyway. Sure enough, when the door flies off its hinges one scrawny looking green eyed man, birthmark on his neck and all, turns to look at you all with fear on his face. Steve grabs him before he can make a move, holding his arms behind his back.

"So you're the one behind all of this." You cross your arms.

"I should rip your head off your shoulders." Bucky glares. You hold up a hand to stop him from moving towards the cowering scientist.

"I want an explanation." You say.

"You want an explanation? You broke his heart and one of the greatest scientists I've ever known couldn't do his work." Colin grits out.

"So- Bruce, put you up to this?" Wanda frowns.

"No." He scoffs.

"Sorry, let me see if I can piece this together. My boyfriend, lies to me for months, so I break up with him, well within my rights and you kidnap me to run experiments in hopes that you'll- what? Fix him? Get brownie points? Maybe a promotion?" You ask.

"I've been here for years, always flying under the radar, I thought for sure you, the bitch who ruined him-" he stops to groan when Steve tightens his hold on him in response to his vulgarity towards you.

"Watch your mouth." Steve warns shoving Colin to his knees.

"I deserve to be a head scientist here." Colin says.

"Aw, well now you'll be a dead scientist. Broke the code of ethics and all, only to wind up with nothing." You shrug. "Not even a pat on the back from your 'so-called' idol who, by the way, totally gave you away for us to find you."

"Wait I- I don't wanna die." He shakes his head.

"Oh. Maybe you should've thought about that before you kidnapped me. Word of advice, don't target someone with mob ties if you like living."

"You know, if you keep him alive you could teach him a lesson he won't forget." Bucky mutters quietly. You look over your shoulder at him and consider his suggestion.

"Do you have a knife?" You ask.

"Yes." Bucky pulls out a blade and hands it to you immediately.

"Wait a second what do you need a knife for?" Steve asks. You squat in front of Colin and grab his wrist, placing his hand flat on the ground between you. With the knife in hand, you start to sing as you jab the knife between the gaps in his fingers.

"You have all your fingers. The knife goes chop chop chop, and since you were not careful, I'm gonna take some off." You slam the knife down severing the two middle fingers on his right hand and the scream he lets out his piercing. Steve's eyes look like they're about to fall out of their sockets and Bucky's currently trying hard not to let it show how much he enjoyed watching you do that.

"Y/n!" Wanda gasps.

"What?! He kidnapped me! I coulda killed him, taking two fingers is letting him off very easy!" You say.

"Honestly the little song was a cute touch. Clever." She nods.

"Right?! Thought it'd make it a little more fun." You link your arm through hers turning to leave Colin wailing on the floor.

"Hang on." Bucky says. He walks over to Colin and grabs him by the top of his head, pulling him up onto his knees. Bucky shoves his thumb into one of Colin's eyes, sending him into another screaming fit. "Leave town. Because if we ever see you again. I'll take the other eye." Bucky says menacingly, letting go of his hair. Colin crumples to the ground again as Bucky cleans his finger with a handkerchief from his pocket. "Let's go." Bucky says, a hand on your back guiding you out of the room and subsequently Wanda, while Steve walks behind you, discussing something with Sam.

"So what happens now?" Wanda asks.

"We take you home." Steve says.

"I meant with Colin." She frowns.

"He'll probably get out of town thanks to Bucky's threat."

"How did you guys find me anyway?"

"Wanda came to us." Bucky says.

"She interrupted a meeting and nearly got shot in the process." Steve says.

"I mean, I didn't know they were in a meeting until I got there. Besides, I was too busy being angry about you getting kidnapped despite their insistence on security watching you." Wanda says.

"Well I'm safe now." You shrug.

"We want you to see our medic." Bucky says.

"What?"

"We don't know what that sick bastard could have done to you and we think it would be best to have you looked over just in case." Steve explains.

"Alright. Fine, but you stay the whole time." You say.

"Deal." He nods. "Wanda we'll drop you at your apartment first and bring y/n back later, okay?" Steve says.

"Sure whatever." She shrugs. The rest of the drive to Wanda's apartment is quiet, Wanda hugs you tightly before getting out once you arrive. After dropping her off, the three of you head to Bucky and Steve's penthouse apartment where the medic is already waiting for you apparently. She's quick, but thorough in her examination, checking superficial things like your reflexes and vision asking several questions, taking samples of your blood, and whatnot. When she leaves, you let out a deep breath finally feeling comfortable.

"How're you doing princess?" Steve asks sitting beside you to rub his hand in circles on your back. Bucky sits on your other side with a hand on your knee comfortingly.

"I'm... alright- it's just been, a day- or a couple of days. I don't really know how long it's been actually." You frown.

"It was only one night. Wanda was up til morning trying to find you and we headed out as soon as she got you." Steve explains.

"Oh- well that explains why it's only after 1 pm." You mutter.

"This- may not be the best time to say this but I'd like it to be known that the little knife game you played with that guy, was very... impressive." Bucky says.

"Thank you, although I think it's fine to say that now because it like just happened." You chuckle.

"Seriously Buck?!" Steve rolls his eyes.

"What?!" Bucky says.

"Am I missing something?" You look between the two of them.

"Don't 'what' me!" Steve scoffs.

"Oh come on, there's nothing wrong with what I said you're the one being weird about it!" Bucky says.

"Okay, definitely missing something." You nod.

"I'm being weird about it?! Because I know what you meant by that! Don't play dumb."

"Hello!" You shout and they both look at you immediately.

"Yes princess?" Steve says at the same time Bucky says,

"Yes sunshine?"

"Hi, can you let me in on this weird psychic conversation you're having?" You ask.

"If Bucky was 'impressed' with your little knife trick it was not because of this head up here." Steve says tapping his fingers on his temple.

"What-?" You frown.

"He thinks it was hot." He rolls his eyes.

"Ohhh! You could've just said that. Either of you." You laugh.

"You were just kidnapped, now is not the time to be thinking with our- lower appendage." Steve frowns.

"Come on pal you're telling me it didn't stir something in you seeing her do that?" Bucky asks, grabbing your hand.

"I'm fine Stevie, I- being turned on is a much more positive reaction to me chopping someone's fingers off than I would've expected." You shrug.

"Wait you're- you're okay with it?" Steve asks.

"Well, it's better than you being freaked out by it." You say.

"Definitely not freaked out." Bucky mutters kissing up your shoulder. You relax against his ministrations, enjoying the way his lips feel on your skin.

"That's a relief." You chuckle breathily.

"Buck-" Steve starts to roll his eyes but you grab him by the collar of his shirt and pull him towards you, kissing him to stop whatever scolding he was about to give Bucky.

"Alright pal now that she's given you the green light, fess up. I know you better than anyone else, don't pretend you weren't thinking about bending her over when she took that loser's fingers like that." Bucky says, he's stopped littering your throat with kisses to taunt Steve, but his thumb is stroking the back of your neck as he speaks. Steve pulls away from your kiss to answer him.

"I was thinking about what an absolutely perfect queen she'll make." Steve says.

"Won't she?" Bucky smirks.

"Oh flattery like that will get you everywhere." You say with a small giggle.

"Right now I'm hoping it'll get us inside of you." Bucky says.

"Now that's a wish I'm only too happy to grant." You hum.

"Yeah?" He smirks.

"Absolutely." You match his cheeky smile with one of your own.

"Come here, pretty girl." Bucky hoists you off of the couch into a bridal carry. Steve kisses you once more before Bucky carries you up to their bedroom with Steve behind you. When Bucky tosses you onto the bed, Steve immediately pulls you into another kiss.

"Are you sure you wanna do this now princess? You know you can always tell us to stop if-"

"Steve stop talking!" You huff out, cutting him off. He blinks at you with a frown on his face.

"Y/n." Bucky's eyebrows knit together at your sharpness.

"I've had a very shitty 15 hours and I don't want to think about it anymore. Please. I am going to be okay just- distract me." You explain with a sigh.

"Happy to sunshine but, don't forget we love you. Sometimes we'll worry." Bucky says softly.

"I know. You can worry all you want- later. But right now I need my mind on something else." You say. Bucky nods and tugs your pants and underwear off in one go. His lips trail kisses starting at one knee and working up but he skips the place you need him most to repeat the trail up the other leg. The moment Bucky's tongue swipes through your slick folds, Steve drowns your moans with a kiss so fierce you can't breathe. Bucky wraps his lips around your clit, licking and sucking at the bundle of nerves. Your hips thrust up against his ministrations and one of his arms comes up to lay heavy across your waist, holding you down.

"Steady doll. Gotta stay still for me." He grumbles between your legs. When two of his thick fingers slide into your entrance and curl upwards you're forced to break away from Steve's kiss, your head thrown back at the feeling of his digits working you open. Steve uses the moment to take your shirt off and unhook your bra, turning his attention to your newly exposed skin. He litters your chest with blooms of red while his fingers toy with your hardened nipples. Between the two sets of hands and lips, your head is spinning with pleasure and you can feel your release building quickly.

"G-guys I'm- fuck, oh my god. I'm gonna-" you struggle to pant out a full thought with their overwhelming touch.

"You gonna cum for us princess? Go ahead baby, you know how much we love it when you fall apart." Steve coaxes, taking your earlobe between his teeth. Your back arches as your orgasm hits, as if his words were the key to a door that wouldn't open on its own. "Good girl." Steve hums when you take in a shuddering breath.

"You taste so fucking good sunshine." Bucky mutters kissing up your abdomen.

"You tell me every time." You chuckle.

"You disagreeing with me?" He quirks an eyebrow at you making you laugh harder. "Steve? Second opinion?" Bucky turns to Steve.

"I think I need a fresh taste test before I weigh in." Steve nods, effectively ending your giggle fit as he and Bucky shift accordingly, Steve kneeling between your legs and Bucky moving onto the bed beside you.

"Wait, Bucky stand up. I wanna blow you." You tell him. He lets out a groan.

"You don't have to tell me twice." He says standing up and shoving his pants down his legs quickly. Steve huffs out a laugh before diving into your heat. Your mouth drops open with a moan as his tongue laps at your pussy. When it comes to most things, Bucky and Steve have very different styles of approach, between your legs though, both men devour you like their final meal- you sometimes wonder if they discuss what they do to you to determine what works best, but you only allow yourself a second to relish in Steve's tongue as Bucky is standing at attention beside you. You take Bucky into your mouth, bobbing your head along his length eagerly. Bucky's head falls back with a groan as you work him.

"Fuck, feels so good doll." He mutters. Just then, Steve wraps his lips around your clit and sucks harshly making you moan around Bucky. Your hips jerk when Steve slides two fingers into you and you struggle to keep sucking Bucky's dick as Steve pulls you towards another orgasm.

"Let go for me baby." Steve mutters against you, tongue lapping at your sensitive bundle of nerves. You have to pull off of Bucky entirely when your release hits this time around, your body spasming uncontrollably.

"That's it doll, so pretty." Bucky hums, stroking your hair soothingly as he sits on the edge of the bed beside you.

"Gotta say, tastes better every time." Steve nods and you let out a breathless chuckle.

"You two, are ridiculous." You shake your head.

"How ya feeling sunshine?" Bucky asks.

"Good. Ready for y'all to fuck me." You say.

"Someone's insatiable." He laughs positioning himself against the headboard and lifting you onto his lap.

"Yeah and whose fault is that?" You wink. Bucky rolls his eyes but there's a smile on his face that keeps yours in place. At least until Bucky shifts you again, positioning himself at your entrance and pulling you down on him. You let out a shuddering moan as you adjust to the sudden intrusion, Bucky groaning at the way your walls pulse around him.

"Are you implying that we're responsible for this?" Steve laughs kissing your shoulder.

"Absolutely. You spoil me. I have expectations now." You say.

"Expectations, huh?" Bucky smirks, settling his hands on your hips.

"Obviously." You nod.

"Obviously." Steve scoffs. "Well Buck, let's keep those expectations high, aye."

"Was thinking the same thing." Bucky winks over your shoulder. He shifts below you, before lifting you up to bring you back down against him as he thrusts up. You cry out as Bucky takes you like that, fucking up into you and forcing you down on him. He keeps it up for several minutes before stopping, at which point you're reeling from pleasure. "Alright sunshine, we're gonna try something. Stop us if it gets too much." Bucky tells you. You should probably ask what the thing is but you're too busy trying to catch your breath so you just nod as Bucky pulls you forward to lie against his chest. Steve shifts behind you, his hands grabbing your hips firmly. You gasp and jolt slightly when you feel the head of Steve's dick poking at your already stuffed pussy.

"Wait a second there's no way you'll both fit." You say.

"Yeah we will, just relax for us baby." Bucky kisses your temple.

"Stop us if you need to princess but I think you can take it. You are perfect for us after all." Steve says rocking forward slowly, working himself in beside Bucky. You focus hard on breathing through the definitely too intense stretch of them both. When Steve eventually bottoms out, the two of them hold incredibly still, kissing reachable parts of your skin as they allow you to adjust. After a few moments, you start to squirm against them.

"Move. Please." You breathe out. They take a second to get leverage and then both of them are thrusting into you harshly. They sort out their rhythm almost immediately and all you can do is moan as Bucky and Steve fuck you together.

"Knew you could take us both. Such a good girl for us." Steve huffs out between thrusts, his breath hot in your ear. You whimper out an incoherent response.

"Aw Steve I think she's gone a bit cockdrunk on us." Bucky taunts, taking in the way your eyes are glazing over.

"Think so? Good. She wanted not to think anymore after all." Steve says. You can hear them, but their conversation falls to your ears muted, so overwhelmed that you're struggling to process anything other than the drag of their dicks along your walls.

"F-fuck I, I'm gonna- oh god." Your whiny pant isn't even a complete thought, but it's the best you're able to get out so blissed out from the way Steve and Bucky fuck you.

"Gonna cum for us sweetheart? Gonna soak our fucking dicks like a good girl?" Bucky coos at you mockingly.

"Please. Please. Please. please please please please." Your broken pleas are the only response you can offer teetering so close to the edge you can practically taste it.

"Go ahead princess, cum on our dicks, show us how good we fuck you baby." Steve says, kissing your neck. Their words along with their pace send you over the edge with a cry of their names into an orgasm so strong it's blinding. You're shaking so hard they have to tighten their hold on you as they chase their own ends. It doesn't take long for them to spill into you either, Bucky first with an expletive on his lips and Steve right after with a long moan that sends shivers down your spine. Between the two of them it's too much and you can feel their release leaking out of you. For a few moments nobody moves, it's still and silent aside from heavy breathing. Steve pulls out first and you whine when he does. "We gotta get you cleaned up princess." Steve says in response to your protesting grumble while Bucky soothes you with kisses all over your face. You watch as he walks into the bathroom and you can faintly hear the tub running. After some time, how long? Who knows, Steve returns.

"Alright sunshine. We're gonna get in the bath now." Bucky tells you. You don't have the energy to argue but you do whine again when he, with Steve's help, lifts you off of him to carry you to the bathroom. The plus side of this is when Bucky does place you in their too big jacuzzi bathtub the water is so warm you practically melt into it. Steve and Bucky take their time washing you up, gentle hands and a soft washcloth glide over your skin like it's the only thing that matters to them as they whisper promises of love and adoration and you swear you've never felt safer than in this moment.

It's incredible how what started as an anonymous gift at the mall/two overly complimentary strangers ended with you here. You're not sure loved is a strong enough word to describe how they make you feel.

***

Part 12/12

Tagged Users: @cjand10 @vicmc624 @mandijo17 @marvel-fandom23 @kattreffic

#marvel fanfiction #marvel #stucky fanfic #stucky x reader #stucky fluff #stucky smut #stucky #stucky angst #werewolf bucky barnes #werewolf steve rogers #werewolf au #Just Let Me Adore You #steve rogers x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #steve rogers

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henghost · 3 months

Text

Twig Liveblog for Arc 13

aaaaaa ‼️‼️‼️ idk if i've metabolized my thoughts enough to be fully coherent about them but i feel like i'll burn alive if i don't get them out, so:

it's like, after 3.1-10: "oh this is fun! a little cat and mouse game with the lambs." then after 3.11: "i am ready to commit grievous acts of violence." the earlier chapters are nonetheless worth discussing as without them there could not be such a "devastating" fifth-act catastrophe. particularly the communication experiments fascinated me. what a perfect metaphor! what if a radio could feel fear? what if a a radio could feel love? might we not also ask--what if a weapon could feel horny?

of course the lillian perspective deserves special attention as well. even before she says so explicitly, we understand that she is "ruined." there is her drug use, her physiological response to even the smallest mention of sy. this is perhaps the anatomical effect of being so close as the lambs, who are essentially a single organism: losing one, especially the one to whom you were closest, is like cutting off a limb. poor girl! like the rest of them she's wrapped up in shit too vast to possibly understand much less overcome.

helen is also going through it :( maybe she'll be the next one to join sy... mary's perspective is also quite rough--this is when i realized that this sy guy is on a level of psychosis i hadn't really considered before lmao.

and then at last there's That Scene with lillian, which reads at first like some kind of fanfiction--some kind of fanfiction lillian herself might have written--complete with typically teenaged overdetail, melodramatic descriptions of flushes, body heat, etc., till finally there's a sort of "surrealist coup," we realize we are too deep in sy's subjectivity to understand the reality of the situation, there's a break, we are lost.

it's all just so (say the line, henghost!) freudian... one of freud's most correct insights is that eros permeates all aspects of life, and therefore that to deny, suppress, or compartmentalize it cannot achieve anything but to make it sick, make the host neurotic. for example, instead of simply fucking your best friend who's clearly into you, you might design an obscenely elaborate rube goldberg type contraption throughout a monument to your darkest trauma (that psychotic fucking carnival orphanage lmao) in order to "win" your ex back. it is wrong, therefore, though understandable, to say that sy has "castrated himself"--it would be more accurate to say that wyvern has his dick twisted up in knots while he's still trying to get hard, poor guy. (by the way, i really have to write something about how wyvern is an allegory for ssri's lol.)

i won't even broach the moral ambiguity, though i'm sure there's something interesting to be said about it--for me, it's like asking about the morality of a withered tree or oedipus rex. and it really is that sophoclean: it was doomed to happened; it was fate. it is written into jamie's dna. sy is a gun who wants, and a gun cannot help but fire. libido is the engine pushing us down a railway designed at best by deus sive natura or at worst by the Academy. i feel fucking sick to my stomach!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nonetheless, i found it life-affirming. it's pessimistic, yes, but it's a pessimism of strength.

anyway, i've gotta give kudos to the author. for all the (deserved) shit i've given him, the wildbow of twig is clearly a far more mature writer than the wildbow of worm.

i must also--since this the last recorded arc for the audiobook!!--shoutout kim dauber, who provided professional-level audibook-reading for free!!! it's possible my reading will slow down without it :(

#twigblr #twig live blog #twig web serial #henghost's twig arc #sobbing #feel free to ask more!!!#sylvester lambsbridge

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kingprinceleo · 2 years

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Hello! I hope you don't mind this sudden ask, but I would like to inquire about the vampire wedding ceremony post you made!

Do you already have details for the whole ceremony planned out? I noticed the candles they were holding; were those to represent something akin to rings? And I'm curious about the smiling thing too!

Jdjsbj sorry if this is going on too long but I love seeing world building and culture development!! If you don't mind talking about it, I would love to hear!

oh boy i love sudden asks!!!!!!! /gen i dont have everything planned out but im!! getting there!! and having alotta fun the candles dont rep rings, in fact i still gotta figure that out lol, idk if they have rings or smth else. The candles represent the individual person holding it and!

the roses they wear between them make the infinity sign, bc vampires hopefully (if life works out) live forever, and hope that their courtship does too!! so they uh. light it on fire with the candles, showing the union between them

(my first sketch of it ashbhsbja) and for the smiling thing, i tried my best to explain it in the comic but, vampires live forever! its a huge commitment having a partner (or multiple) for life. So its a tradition to prove how ready and serious you are for the commitment by keeping a straight face. Shadow wasnt aware of this fact, though it wasnt a problem for him sdfbdhbfhj, during their own ceremony, n he got unnerved as hell when sonic wouldnt crack any kind of grin or smirk like the dumbass he is other additional things bouncing around in my skull right now!! an old tradition thats now very outdated is vampires needing to turn their partners on ceremony day there is So much red, no white wedding dresses (prone to stains :[ ), only red everywhere dhbjfhdfh they trade some kind of scar (still figuring it out) but like, i think a majority of vampires are mate for life, and ive been having a hard time putting this together myself but like *some* kind of soulmate thing??? not like love at first sight, but they meet a person or people that theyre subconsciously drawn to, its not something they can actively notice or have control over, and it looks different for everyone (some vampires never experience this at all, completely happy on their own, heehoo aro go brrr) like blaze goes uwahhh and kicks her legs in bed daydreaming about miss amy while sonic genuinely just -happens- to end up in the same places shadow is and then wants to fight him. but the more time they spend around the person, the more its purely instinctual and they just Know that thats the one, something so deep in the core of their person, a rlly strong gut feeling. BUT BACK TO THE ORIGINAL POINT, they exchange some kind of psychical mark, that scars over, another thing with the theme of being permanent and lasting forever, that shows that theyre partners, nothing big though, like a little nic in the skin that doesnt hurt too much, or like some kind of tattoo symbol thing?? just kinda spitballing to myself now lol WAHHH i gen love thinking about worldbuilding stuff its so fun,,,,

#my asks #long post #marriage #vampire au #romance

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ravenbloodshot · 10 months

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Code Kunst- Red + Green Flags

❤️

He becomes too prideful and egoistic, it can lead to problems speaking up for himself (not in a way of that he gets too scared to speak but in a way that if he feels already misunderstood then he won't put in effort to clear his name or get ppl to understand him). It's vibes of "they've already made a conclusion of how I am, so why bother saying anything". It can lead to even more misunderstandings

He sits and let things happen too much. Like the kind of guy that finds himself at a club bc he's just mindlessly following his friends and letting ppl drag him to different places.

He's way too easily led by others. And he surrenders his power/himself to others too easily

He has experience with a traumatic childhood, problems with his parents(specifically a mother figure). He may have cynical beliefs that if he thinks his parents fucked up in raising him then he wouldn't want to raise kids at all, due to believing they'll turn out to be messed up as well

He still holds onto strong feelings of resentment to his parents. He's not taking proper steps to forgive them so that he can heal. Right now, his wounds are still wide open, leaking blood and if he doesn't get stitches he can risk infection (to solve this problem he doesn't need bandaids, he needs stitches)

Ahhh, okay. So he's a person that really enjoys music, especially lesser known music/artist. But, I see that hee the type to make his entire personality the fact that he supports "indie artist" and "real artist that aren't primed and pampered by big companies". He can even feel that way about himself, where he sees his music in higher regard since he's doing it all on his own without much help from a company

He's quite a lonely man, and struggles a bit with connections. Leads him to guilt trip and manipulate others into staying by his side. Can be insecure about how entertaining he actually is. Also, he could have the habit of trauma dumping

He's the perfect definition a man that plays the long game in love. He plays "the guy friend" role a lot when he wants a girl instead of outright getting with her. Idk if you guys know the saying "a shoulder to cry on, can be a dick to ride on" but that could be how his romantic relationships turn out

💚

He's quite an independent person and even he wouldn't partake in new romances if he wasn't feeling ready or the person wasn't ready. A healthy lover, and very big on consent (like most ppl should be).

Surprisingly. He's quite the charming, gentleman that knows how to treat a woman and make her feel heard, seen and beautiful.

He definitely could have more women under his belt if he so chooses but he's calculative with how he moves. People may underestimate him a lot but he's really a powerful, influential guy.

Code Kunst takes care of others very well, worrying after others mental health and giving healing advice to those in need of it. He can have a deep desire to inspire ppl to good un their own lives, he would feel very grateful if a fan told him that his music played a big role in their life

It may very well be his entire purpose of creating music. To inspire others.

Once again, I'm seeing a very caretaker type of man, that even when he feels lazy and tired, will try his best to be there for others. Like a guy that keeps his promises, no matter what. Also a guy that when his loved ones really need him, he's there for them

He's a very committed person in love, he doesn't fear marriage or giving a girl the girlfriend status long as their both ready. The kind of person that if he argues with a significant other, he likes it and prefers it to be that away instead of running away. He can feel very hurt by a person walking away from him when they fight (even if it's just to cool down), he may look at it as the relationship is over.

The Weekend by SZA is a song that fits this readings energy

#k readings #k tarot #khiphop #aomg #code kunst #sagittarius sun #code kunst tarot #Spotify

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lurkingteapot · 8 months

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Only Friends เพื่อนต้องห้าม Ep 5

I'm finally caught up and oh, OH, this was a ride. This was very much Sand's episode, and I have a feeling when he finally does something to disappoint me he's going to devastate me … and I welcome it. He's such a well-written character so far. Feels very, very real.

Ray … it feels like he's genuinely got feelings for Sand, but he's also very much not over Mew and NOT ready to put a name to or commit to being more than fwb with Sand.

Mew kind of grew on me even more this episode, except for his inexplicable-to-me attraction to Top.

I missed Namcheuam this episode and hope to see her more next week.

Nick trying to be more like Top this episode was awful to watch, Boston seeming to react to it in a positive way was possibly worse.

Boston is the epitome of 22-y-o "I'm just telling it like I see it" and doesn't care what or who he hurts in the process. At this point I'm pretty sure the fact that Neo plays him so charmingly is his only saving grace. And the person who filmed him? probably Drake's character. Wonder whether he'll get a name eventually … which reminds me we still haven't met whoever it is Papang plays.

ANYWAY. That' the tl;dr; rambling live watch commentary below. I'm going to dive into the tag and try to see what I missed.

oh Sand, I LOVE you

new bottle design?

I love Yo, I love her so much

Sand, I'm sorry, but ชัวโมงผิเษศของไอ้เรย์ is the sweetest thing and I also take back every word I said about Sand not falling for Ray, clearly I have bad people reading skills

god Nick's e-girl look in this opening clip, I cannot

wait, does this mean next episode is Namcheuam's? everyone else has had theirs, right?

did you run out to a bakery for those croissants, Sand?

asdfasdfadsf I love them

HAHAHA NICK oh man oh man

Sand was like "… dude"

asdfasdfas Ray can't even take care of himself, wtf Nick

I can't get a read on Ray. is he trying to distract himself? is this a legitimate attempt to get over Mew? does he even know himself? idk idk

oh Nick. spite may be a great motivator, but I'm not sure this is going to work

oh fuck that's SO dangerous what are you DOING keep your eyes on the road when you bike!

YIKES

that was very VERY lucky, oh man

I love Sand and I'm really afraid that when I eventually find a flaw of his it'll be really disappointing

those helmets look like they'd do NOTHING if they faceplanted

I LOVE this, goodness

Sand, you want to be a stylist, huh

it is a very tight shirt

please don't get frisky in the CHANGING room. Boys. I know you're 22, but --

I love themmmm

Top, if you could stop it with the fucking negging that'd be grand

oh, it's the dealer (?) guy

And Mew clocked something because he doesn't just LOOK smart

Boston checking Nick out, huh

Nick's got his number but he refuses to save (or whatever the metaphor is here)

Neo's really good at looking smitten with someone, which is a shame because I'm pretty sure Boston isn't into Nick like that

Nickkk don't ask questions you don't want the answers to

Boston, you're being an asshole rn. you KNOW that's what Nick hopes for.

oh I love this shot

I love that Nick kinda detests Top while Top detests both Nick and Boston and Boston is jealous af of Mew

Sand is back and Summer just disappears. I feel sorta bad for her, but … SANDRAY

JEKD, huh? neat though. the music has The Smiths vibes

annnd Summer's given up

Aaah Blind Dining/DInner in the Dark is so cool!!

Is the staffer mad about the "glasses off same thing" comment? I think I might've been in his place.

oh that's bound to go wrong-- oop

also dudes you're being SO noisy. honestly how quiet it is here is very unlike my experience.

oh Ray, oh baby

OH it's the baseball bat rooftop

Ray, rapidly re-evaluating what's going on

oh, I love this

A mum who uses rude-familiar language with her kid, huh. We've seen it in dads, but I don't remember hearing it from many mums before.

I bet this debt collector business is going to come back and bite them in the ass, boy-who-cried-wolf style

ahahahah I LOVE Sand turning the tables on Ray like that but also I hope Ray's voice is as good as Khaotung's

oh this is so sweet

wonder if/when we'll get a "you hafta tell her, she knows!" type scene in here because I sure was thinking it

Mum is like -- yep

Okay, okay but -- Mew, your acting said you don't believe him, what's the game here??

Also "use a condom" is probably the best advice to come out of Boston's mouth so far

Top, you're making it very hard to believe you love anyone but yourself, sorry

I can't believe we're not even halfway through the show

Mew does not seem super into it and also that sofa looks very VERY uncomfortable, material-wise. Plasticky.

22yos is2g

early morning hours and booze and honesty

OH the way Sand's hand sorta twitched when Ray said that

Ray. Love. It's not your fault. Depression is insidious.

Oh no, are Nick and Boston going to interrupt AGAIN

Oh Sand :(

Bostonnnn

Sand looks like he's going to KILL Boston and he'd be right to

Boston is just. Terrible.

oooooof this is a party gone wrong for real

they were so cute and then it all went wrong

shit, Sand really is in love with him and HURT.

BABY

Sand, I don't think you should be driving

#only friends #only friends the series #เพื่อนต้องห้าม #พตห #only friends ep 5 #bl watch liveblog #my nonsense

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long-distance-love · 10 months

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Hey! First off I wanna thank you for the blog. It feels good to be recognized as long distance LOVE.

I started talking to this beautiful man 3-4 months ago. We’re 3000 miles apart. And I cannot keep myself from checking my phone every two seconds I swear. He’s got me on a HOOK. I’ve never been this way with someone so far away, nor have I ever even done long distance before. And neither has he. I would do anything for this man.. anything. Of course things take time, and we don’t know what the future holds. I told him I would gladly uproot my life. In a heartbeat, you know, if things got suuuuuuper intense. . But he’s unsure if long distance would be a thing. He’s terrified. And has told me that it would be a lot of pressure for things to work. But the things he says to me.. and the things I say to him. It’s like nothing I’ve experienced. I’m head over heels for this man. I would do anything to be with him. But idk what to do.. we vibe so well. We just, click. And we seem to want the same things in life. But he thinks it’s alooooot for me to uproot my life for him. Should I let go? Or should I keep fighting? I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t wanna get torn apart.

Hello Nonny,

Thanks for your kind words, and for being here and making our little community all the more colourful! 💕

My god, this ask has me feeling ambivalent though! On the one hand, your crush/budding love makes my heart sing. On the other hand, his reaction has me feeling awfully cautious and scared for you. He wants your attention, your affection, your time - that much is clear. But you know what I'm not seeing? The willingness to commit. He's pumping the breaks at every turn, already trying to undermine the possibility of a committed long distance relationship by saying things like it'd be too much pressure on him and stuff. And I really, really hope I'm wrong, but when I'm reading the things he's saying, all I'm hearing is, "I'm not ready."

So what can you do? Talk. Tell him what you want. Tell him what you need. Because I'm going to assume you don't want this for the rest of your life. I'm sure you want someone to be just as serious about you as you are about them. Which you are, commendably so. But unless it's reciprocated properly, it's not worth anything. His sweet words will melt away, and what's underneath it all?

I personally would stop talking to him unless he was ready to commit at this stage. You've been talking for a long time now, that's more than enough to decide whether or not they want to be in a committed long distance relationship with you or not. If he says no, then I would rip off the band aid, no matter how much it'd hurt, and heal and open myself up to new experiences once I'm ready. If he says yes, then I'd lay down the ground rules for communication and meeting and exclusivity together with him to form a routine that would serve us best.

Once again, I really hope I'm wrong, but I would strongly advise you to have that discussion with him just to be safe. I hope everything will turn out well, and I wish you nothing but the best. I'm proud of you for giving so much love despite everything. Whoever will end up being your future partner will be very lucky. 💕

- Danny

#danny loves #benny & danny asks #relationship #couples in love #long distance relationship #long distance couple #long distance problems #long distance love #relationship advice #long distance relationship advice #relationship questions #relationship asks

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reginarubie · 2 years

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Hello! So while wait for updates on your lovely works, I've been sucked into reading a lot of jonsas where Jon has these epic or real romance with others like Val, Dany, Ygt, alys, etc. And although it doesn't last or end well Jon still had romance and normal love. While Sansa is always in the abusive or toxic relationships and I need some of your healing because my girl is hurting too much but they hurt her so good and apparently I'm a glutton for pain.

Like I'm fine with Jon having past relationship and Sansa too but dang can't she have a past relationship that was healthy and loving and ended for natural reasons like her first love didn't work because the guy want to commit too fast like get married and although she loved him she wasn't ready. The next was because they grew into different people and although the still care for each other it wasn't what it once was, the next being long distance and neither wanting to give up their dream so they ended in good terms, idk just need her to know love in different forms. ( I know there are works like this but they are too few and far between)

Also what fandom and stuff are you into/watched/read/etc. I wanna see if theirs any more mutual fandoms

Ps. So this turning into a little rant, I just didn't know how to convey the idea into a summery or like a word/sentence prompt. While leaving room for you to explore your creativity. In general I'd like a jonsa ending but like Sansa has at least one story book romance. But if you see this prompt going a different way feel free to do so, my thoughts are a mess 😅

Ciao anon!,

That was a lot and I hope I've gotten everything clear on the prompt you sent!, but before diving into the filling of the prompt let's speak a bit.

Thank you so much for having come to my writing for some much needed respite for that kind of fics. I hope to be able to fulfill the prompt and give you what your Sansa loving heart wishes for!

First things first. About the fact that Sansa seems to have always terrible past experience as opposed to Jon's is because mostly in canon Sansa's experiences are terrible (Joffrey, Tyrion, Dontos, Littlefinger, Hound even Harry is not looking very good right now) while Jon retains somewhat a bit of agency (which Sansa lacks) and even tho even with Jon we're talking of a sexual predator (Ygritte), a character whose not very much developed (save for when she wants to kill a child; Val), another that canonically tried to emotionally abuse and subside him (Daenerys) and Alys (sadly) as a stand-in for Sansa, (at least most of the stories featuring her I've read approached her that manner, but I'm up to read anything different!) at least show-wise (which plays, imo, a big part on the collective fandom inspiration for fan fiction) Jon is shown to have ‘epic’ romances (Ygritte and Daenerys —› in one the woman he ‘loves’ dies in his arms killed by someone else, in the other he is the one doing the killing to protect those he loves) even if tragic so it stands to reason they would give him so big, great past romance (even if I have to owe that they usually speak of Ygritte in a manner of ‘not fitting in’ together and her being too abrasive for him, sometimes borderline abusive) while Sansa is stuck with simply terrible experiences, save for Jon who, in the show (and sadly as far even in the book) is the only character of some magnitude that doesn't abuse her, manipulate her, etcetera.

Still, what is fan fiction for if not for giving us what we want and didn't get to see?

Secondly what stuff am I into? Lately I've not been able to watch as many series as I'd like, but I've loved Carnival Row (and if you haven't seen it you totally should, because even tho it didn't get a s2 I found it amazing and it kept me on my toes all the time, not much for the romance if for the crime and for the way it depicted society when faced with differences in within) and I've been watching on-and-off Shadow and Bone, (tho I've not read the books yet and my fav characters don't get as much screen-time as I'd like them to). But GoT/Asoiaf level? I have Chronicles of Narnia, (which I adore, more so the books than the movies, tho they were lovely as well) and ofc Lord of the Rings, as those have been, tbh, the big ones that got me it reading and theorizing when I was a teenager. I love Star Wars (even tho I'm most a fan of the movies) and Star Trek.

I am a big Harry Potter fan, tho I've found the new trilogy (even if I have still to watch the last one) too hyped up and whilst I loved Newt it didn't inspire me as much as Harry Potter did.

I loved very much Fallen Skies, tho I found the last two seasons, and especially the last completely rushed and thus ruined because of it; as well as Terranova, tho people didn't like it at all since it didn't get, as far as I know, s2.

Love the 100 tho having been a book-reader first and show watcher later tho I enjoyed some of the changes made I'll never forgive them for the end the gave my boy Bellamy Blake.

Sadly there are still many series I'd like to watch but haven't gotten around to watch because real life responsibility, tho I must admit that one of my secret pleasures in a way is asian drama. I watch a bunch of those, they are aesthetically pleasing and just sometimes so different that the media we usually consume that I am able to watch them even if only for ten minutes a day while I cook or tidy the house, because they intrigue me way too much (I totally suggest you watch some if you haven't already!).

What are the fandoms you're in?

Now, let's hop onto the fan fiction!

Prompt: Sansa and Jon do end up together anyway, but Sansa has had, just as Jon, past experiences that were not abusive or tragic.

So, this one has been inspired by Happier by Ed Sheeran, because... I don't know it just gave me the healing vibe I wanted to give this one and it's also from a POV I never explored too, hope you enjoy!

I guess you look happier [In another's arms]

He's just returned from beyond the Wall, his mission had lasted for the better portion of the last three years, the phone-call few and scarce in between. He had managed to see his brothers and his cousin but a couple of times during a couple of video-calls he managed to make. He's excited to go back home, to embrace his mother and feel his father's strong chest welcome him home, his brother's excited welcome shouts, his cousin soft, gentle smile...

... still, before he catches the next flight to the Eyrie Winged Knight Airport which will depart tomorrow morning from Tohrren's Square he has some time to kill.

He had spent the better part of his training at Castle Black, in the North, manning the Wall before his first missions beyond, going back and forth between his new home and his ex-girlfriend's home.

Red of hair and blue of eyes, with a smile so bright it could rival the sun and an heart so gentle and kind it could heal the whole of the world unrest with one touch. He sighs and enters the bar, sitting in a corner, safely away from the main crowd.

He could join a few of Nights Watch recruits he can see at another table, it's mostly new faces, but he recognizes the black clothes they wear and the way they boisterously laugh and joke with each other. That's the moment he sees him.

Jon Snow. Last time he had seen him, he had been a lanky boy, all knees and elbows, as if stretched thin, lean and swift with his movements during a spar. Intelligent. His grey eyes were always attentive and never loosing a move. He had privately thought he would made a fine watchman one day, though he could be a petty drunk and a mean, little shit when provoked. And he had a temper that could rival a wolf. He is the only one of the group of recruits he knows and he debates if making his presence known.

Ironically it had been Jon to introduce him to his now ex-girlfriend.

She had been his best-friend's sister and she had been involved in all a series of charities so when she and her sister had made the voyage to Castle Black they had stopped by to spend some time with Jon, it had been that way that he had met Sansa. That way he had met the girl he had hoped to marry.

Jon had been fiercely protective of her as well, when they had started going out he had sit him out and whilst he had never been intimidated by the boy, that time his presence had been enough to keep him still on his chair and listen quietly to the series of terrible pain Jon would inflict to him — helped by the girl's sister and siblings — if he ever broke her heart.

Sansa had, had some... displeasing experiences before. And Jon had not hidden his glee in telling him he had been the one to inflict on them the punishment for having harmed Sansa. He had been glad she had such fiercest defenders both in and out her family, for when he could not be with her.

He had never had any intention of breaking Sansa's heart. She had been his sweetheart and for a long time he had dreamed one day they could have the life. They could move back to the Vale, from where he hailed from, he would make her the mistress of his house and give her all the happiness she deserved in the world.

Fate had, had different plans. Life had, had different plans.

The age gap between them had not been insurmountable, but big enough that perhaps whilst wanting the same things idealistically, they were on different pages. Sansa had been barely eighteen and he was already twenty four. By the time of his first mission had rolled around he was feeling ready.

Sansa... not so much.

It is a testament, he guesses, to her capability of discernment that she knew when to draw back. He did not realize it until later, well after the sting of their break off had passed to realize the real fear that had filled his hopes had not been that she would say no — as she did — but that Sansa would say yes and embark on an experience that was beyond her grasp, and grew to resent him further down the line.

Instead Sansa, sensible, reasonable Sansa had not let the romance of it blind her to the real problem between the two of them. She had told him, time after time — the nearest his first mission grew — that she was scared of what the prolonged distance would do to them.

He had been much blinder. Convinced that their love would win in the end, he had failed to see that when the burn of the beginning burned out, only the embers remained and those were to be stoked often and the right way to remain alive, burning with their inner fire, instead of becoming beautiful jewels, yes, but only to sport when one felt down and in need of doing a trip down the memory-lane.

He had fought for them, the Gods knew he had.

And Sansa had too, but her past experiences had taught her something he had not been ready to face yet, below her cheerful, kind and soft character, was hidden a wounded woman, a woman who had been under the thumb of boys not even worth to kiss the ground she walked on; and that woman had learned that love is about more than being in love.

She had still told him no, and while he had not understood that at first, that had been her way to fight for them. She didn't want them to start something they were not ready to finish, something that they were not equipped to finish. He had been stubborn, and she, in her soft-spoken, gentle manner had been a bastion, impregnable and inexpugnable.

Jon had even stepped in, at one point. Told him they needed the break, explained some of the goriest details of her previous experiences that Sansa had held close to her heart because of shame.

I am not telling you because you need to fix it, she has it handled, Jon had told him sternly when he had tried to stand up and go to her, demand perhaps answers from her, demand to know why she didn't trust him enough to tell him, I'm telling you because you need to back off.

He had learned then, it had slipped past Jon's lips, that he had been the one to collect her from her ex's house when Sansa had had a panic attack during a sunday brunch and had hidden herself in her ex's sister room, barricading herself from them, the bruise on her cheek carefully covered with make-up. Jon had stormed in, punched the git in the gut — got a report for that — collected her and brought her home.

So, he had given her the break she had asked for, after all his first mission would not last longer than a few weeks and he had been confident that by the time he returned they would fix the problem between them and their love would finally take flight and soar.

It had been grounding.

They had not resolved the matter, not in the way he had hoped, but he had understood that Sansa needed more time. She was younger, he reasoned, he could be patient as long as their end goal was the same.

So he had departed for his second and third mission beyond the Wall with a girlfriend waiting him patiently back home, ready to welcome him back with a container of her own baked goods and a soft smile playing on her lips. His third mission had also been Jon's first and he had met the girl that would become his girlfriend. Ygritte.

He had been cautious of the brass woman, but she seemed to make Jon laugh, when she smiled that easy smile of her she almost reminded him of Sansa. She sported red hair, a different shade that Sansa's rich auburn, but not for that less enticing, and while she wasn't exactly beautiful her voice when she sang totally made up for it. Low and raw, intriguing. But he had doubted she and Jon would last.

Jon was much softer than Ygritte and he wanted soft in his life, he might be hard as stone on the outside, but inside he was made of molten snow. In fact they had not last past Jon's second mission, he had heard that the breakup had been explosive, that Ygritte had swore and yelled and hit. Some rumors said she had even bitten.

His and Jon's life had taken different paths then, they had not shared any more missions, though he had learned that he had found a new girlfriend, a stubborn blonde girl who lived beyond the Wall and advocated for the freedom of her people. This one, he had thought, could be a good match for Jon, she had enough of the softness he needed, but he had not thought much about it since his own relationship had started to fall apart between his hands.

I don't think we fit, Sansa had admitted at last, just before he left for the Vale — supposedly she would have to accompany him — and by then he had started to dread the same, I think we have drifted apart.

To be honest he had expected it, though he had dreaded it. Their interactions lacked the spark that had animated them in the beginning, he was starting to resent her the wait she was making him go through, fearing she might be stringing him on without any intention to actually commit. She had been growing distant and more distant each time they spoke over the phone or by video call.

Aye, he had replied feeling deflated, ignoring the way his heart was breaking in a million pieces watching the woman he had been with for four years taking a step back from them. He had caught himself more than once giving a girl an once over, had felt like a traitor even only for it, in the pit of his stomach and while he never cheated on her... he still felt like he was involved into a one-way relationship that had lost its initial spark. We've been good though, he had asked her, haven't we?

Sansa's smile in that moment was the last hit, shattering his heart in a million pieces. It was sad, resigned, but also relieved. Maybe she had been afraid he would force her to stay, and he couldn't really fault her, seen her past experiences. Still, she should've trusted him more, after all those years spent together.

Yes, she told him that smile dimmed and he had felt like he was suffocating in his own tears, she had tears in her eyes as well, you've been so good to me, it just... it didn't work out.

He had nodded, pathetically he had almost told her that if she had accepted, by the now they would be married and maybe they would've been happy.

He had refrained though.

I know you wanted more, Sansa had told him, seemingly able to read his mind.

I thought you wanted more too, had been his acid reply. Sansa's face had morphed then, she had become of marble and he had known he had pressed the wrong button.

I did, she said, I do.

Not with me, though.

She had been unable to reply to that. She hadn't need to. And he had let her go. Had walked away before he fell on his knees to plead her to give him the chance to give her the world.

Jon had sought him out after their breakup, in that moment he wouldn't even have cared if the boy would punch him. Not only he could take him, but he had the sore need to throw punches too. Instead Jon had offered him a pint.

I am sorry, he had told him, I know you are hurting now, but you weren't there and you didn't see how she hurt before she took this decision. Always defending her. No matter what. He had guessed back then, that it should be beautiful to have someone so openly, so fiercely in your corner.

I feel like she took this decision years ago, when she rejected my proposal.

Jon had not replied to that and they had lapsed into a long, stretching silence as they had consumed their pints. When they had parted ways he had almost told him, take care of her, for me, but he had realized with a start he needn't because Jon had already left and even though he followed him out, he saw him sneak inside a bakery. He needn't to ask what he was buying and for whom.

Somehow he just knew.

Being beyond the Wall for the next three years had helped. He had been able to look inside and admit that whilst he might have been ready, he hadn't been really ready. He mulls over the fact, observing Jon and his friends from above the rim of his pint. He had not spoken much with Jon since that day, save for a couple of times, and though they never broached the matter Jon would let him know, in little ways that Sansa was alright.

He wondered if now, more mature and less stubborn, if now Sansa would tell him yes. If she was alright still. He pondered if getting up and going to Jon, ask him after her.

In the end he does not have the guts to, he stands up and leaves. There is the faint scent of citrus hanging in the air that freezes him as the voice that has populated his dreams suddenly rings out “Sorry!, we're late!”

He doesn't turn. Not yet.

“You took your sweet time,” Jon comments and is his voice lighter?, is it indulgent?

“Stop being a smartmouth,” she jests “I have a surprise...ta-da!” and then there's a chorus and Arya Stark exclaims “SURPRISE!” before she chants Happy Birthday off tune, soon echoed by the others. Must be Jon's birthday, he realizes.

He turns and gets a glimpse of her after three and half long years. Her hair are still long, curling at the ends, auburn and glinting soft like copper in the bar's lights, she looks not much older than she did last time they saw each other, but there is a different manner, more mature, to the way she holds herself.

She's smiling that bright beam that opened the doors to paradise to him the first time he had stumbled into his words to ask her out to dinner.

And she's looking at Jon. He ducks out of the bar before he can linger on Jon's answering smile.

It's a few days before the stumbles into them together again. He's stationed at Castle Black, which means he has seen Jon more often than not. He has grown. He's no longer the lanky boy all knees and elbows, he has filled out while he is still lean instead of muscular, he has let his hair grow some more and he usually sports them bound in a bun and he has to wear glasses.

He's more confident too, he is almost proud, though he has had nothing to do with his maturation. Jon doesn't avoid eye-contact with him, not even when he discovers that apparently Jon and Val broke things off some two years ago and Jon has been steadily single since then...

...not even when he asks Jon about Sansa.

She's been fine. Has had a couple of brief relationships, though right now she's single and finishing her studies for her degree. His voice drips with pride when he tells him that Sansa has now launched her own charity work and often accompanies him beyond the Wall, she is a fierce advocate for the Free Folk freedom and she's been trying to get the government to listen to their shouts for independence.

They've been in those lands long before the Andals and while they recognize some northerners as kin, as most of them descend from First Men too, they wish only to live life how their own tradition demand.

There is this quality to his voice when he speaks about Sansa... He had ignored it, before, but he is pretty sure it was always there to begin with. Pride, fondness and fierceness...passion, all wrapped into one. He has always had that tone whilst speaking of her, even when he and Sansa had gone out together and he was only her brother's best friend looking out for her.

He observes Jon then. Quiet that he is, his whole demeanor scream when Sansa is concerned; and he discovers that Jon now has a pet too, it's an albino wolfhound that he has named Ghost and he has received him as a gift for his graduation by Sansa. And it's true, Sansa is often at Castle Black and accompanying Jon beyond the Wall as he has become from an active member of the squadron to a diplomatic emissary, and he can see it, in the way they smile at each other.

In the way Jon's touch linger on the small of her back, in the way Sansa burrows in Jon's embrace... he can see it in everything. In the way the easy banter between the two of them always spark that kind of look between the two of them. In the way Jon watches her go, in the way his breath dips and the shaky exhale he takes every time she's persuading him of something.

“So,” he confronts the thing one time, he has been assigned to accompany the diplomatic mission beyond the Wall and Sansa has just convinced Jon to stay the night over so that they can take part with the Free Folk of their rite during the peak of the midnight sun period “how long has this been going on?”

“I am sorry,” Jon tells him “I should've told you before” and if he had expected Jon to look bashful like the boy he remembers, he was sorely mistaken “I just didn't know the words to use”

He sighs “Maybe starting with, Waymar, mate I'm going out with your ex would be a good place to start” he says.

“Sansa's been my friend long before I was your mate,” Jon's reply is filled with sarcasm and sass “if anything it should've been, Waymar, mate, do you remember the girl I've loved for half of my life, you know the one you dated? Yeah, I'm dating her now. That would've been more appropriate” he says.

A long silence ensues.

“I'm sorry,” Jon comments “that was... rude of me” he says “I cannot demand you take responsibility for things you did not know” he adds.

“But I did know,” he admits “I—” Jon's face is a myriad of emotions all together “I mean... I suspected you might have a thing for her” he explains “still—” he sighs “why didn't you tell me, though?”

“When you asked her out she... was so happy,” he says “who was I to destroy that happiness?”

Waymar nods. He has noticed other things too, the way Sansa's smiles would shine brighter when they were toward Jon, the way before they had been reserved, whilst now they're unreserved. The way her eyes always filled with fondness when falling on him.

He doubts Sansa had been aware of the extent of her feelings for Jon, more probable than not she did not realize until later, she's too kindhearted of a woman to purposefully hurt someone knowing she loves another. He doesn't even think for her it was that kind of love before they parted ways.

He nods.

“You make her happy too,” he says and he knows that's the true, he would argue — to his own detriment — that Jon makes her happier than Waymar ever did. Jon just... gets her, in a way Waymar never managed despite their best efforts (hers to be understood, and his to understand her) “happy in a way I could not make her,” he admits.

Jon blinks and uncrosses his arms from his chest, surprised by the admission. Waymar would like to be petty, really, but the time to be petty has long passed. He is mature enough to know he and Sansa might not have worked out anyway... they should've met differently and Jon should not have been involved in the picture and perhaps they would have had a chance. Fate had different intentions, life had different intentions.

There are still million of possibilities before him. He can see that now.

“You know?,” he says “a part of me was always jealous of the way you seemed to just... get her, without any difficulty. I thought it was because you had grown together, turns out it's just because it's the two of you”

Jon doesn't say anything.

“And perhaps I could've made her happy too, or— perhaps we would have drifted apart anyway” he says “I think— I know I was in love with her, but I didn't love her...not beyond that initial moment of falling in love” he admits “but you—” he pats his shoulder “you loved her before you fell in love with her, I think that made the difference”

“Don't break her heart” he warns him.

Jon straightens his shoulders “I won't,” he promises.

They don't speak of it anymore, there is no need to. And when, later, Jon kisses Sansa on her lips and Sansa kisses him back Waymar knows for them it's over. It's endgame. They are each other's person.

Sansa's blue eyes meet his and Waymar nods to her. Her smile breaks his heart a bit more.

She still cares for him, still...not in the way he would've wanted and that's okay. And her gaze falls immediately again on Jon and the way the Free Folk children run around his legs and the way he picks them up and the picture they paint.

I never noticed, he considers, but we kind of look alike. Jon and I.

For some time he wonders if that's what has drawn Sansa to him in the first place, then he decides it's a waste of time to wonder and he just cherishes his memories with the first girl who made him fall in love.

It's years later, after he has returned home for good that he stumbles, by chance, on a paper that talk of them. Sansa has managed it. She has been the propelling force behind the new treaty signed between Kings Landing and the Free Folk and in that guise the North has also gotten independence from the rest of Westeros thanks to a referendum and Sansa has been elected to lead the North in their new independent life.

The photo shows them in Winterfell, Sansa's childhood home, with her family and Lyanna Snow — Jon's own mother — he knows they've married some odd three or four years ago, and now Sansa is holding a small child, not older than one year old, balanced on her hip as Jon is carrying on his shoulder the eldest a little girl with her mother's red hair and her father's grey eyes. The girl has Sansa's same grin.

“Is that your brother?” he turns around, startled and the girl warm and kind brown eyes fill with surprise “sorry, I didn't mean to intrude”

Waymar sets the journal aside “No,” he says “but we've served together,” he tells her.

“She looks very beautiful,” she says nodding toward Sansa “do you know her?”

“Aye,” he says “I know her,” he admits.

The girl nods “They look happy”

“They do” he concedes “he's always put her happiness before his own”

A short story of how the got together, a gossip-story really, is written beside the photo. Here, her majesty Sansa of House Stark is depicted with her husband Jon Snow. They've known each other all their lives and have been childhood friends for a long time, they fell in love whilst Sansa Stark led her charities beyond the Wall advocating for their freedom as Jon Snow served as diplomatic emissary. Waymar would like to tell them that Jon has been in love with her far longer, and he suspects Sansa too. He wants to tell them Jon punched her scumbag of an ex and collected Sansa when she was falling apart. He doesn't though. That's their own private story.

And they are happy.

The girl smiles at him “My name is Margaery,” she introduces herself. Waymar is taken aback by her smile. He smiles back.

“My name is Waymar” he replies “pleased to meet you, Margaery” so, he ends up asking her to join him at his table at the bar, when she orders he almost expects her to order lemon cakes... instead she orders a slice of apple-pie with cinnamon and Waymar breathes a little better.

A few decades later Waymar meets them again. He has been married to Margaery for almost twenty years and they've had three children in the meantime. Sansa has stepped down from politics a few years ago, and she has retired with her family in Winterfell. Her youngest, Catelyn, is into politics as well and later when she'll be elected in her mother's place no one is surprised. Jon and Sansa are still as much in love as they were that day.

In the end, Waymar considers as Sansa recounts their whole story to a gossip starved Margaery that they are happier for the way things turned out.

Fin

So, this is just a little snipped actually, because you have stoked my inspiration, so I'll be working on several others companion pieces (one for sure by Jon POV and one by Sansa's; a couple of others with previous exes of both), so stay tuned for those too!

Hope you enjoyed this even if it turned out more about Waymar and the way he felt about Sansa than about Sansa and Jon, still Sansa's got a good experience before Jon, even if that too ended thankfully not tragically and I actually think we got this subtle Jonsa that I love to write. Anyway, with the other companion pieces we'll get also more of Jon and Sansa seen by their exes perspectives, and each other's.

You can find this on ao3, in my collection of prompts (x).

As always thank you for the prompt! Hope you have a wonderful day and as always sending all my love ~G.

#anon asks #ask the hag #the hag's prompts #jonsa #jon and sansa for their exes perspective part 1 #waymar

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kenobster · 5 months

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Omg, thank you for the tip about pillowfort being run by antis!

Ahh, I'm so relieved to hear that the tip was helpful to someone!! :') Thank you for saying so!

I also I wanted to answer with more information on it because, sighs, idk, I'm worried lots of people have never heard of the Pillowfort Shenanigans™ in the first place... which troubles me... because, as an author of taboo content and an opponent of censorship, I really do not want Pillowfort to succeed. In fact, I very much hope that they fail. 🙃

Note: In full transparency, I have not kept up-to-date on Pillowfort happenings in some time. I don't know who owns Pillowfort currently or what changes they have made (or apologies they have given), and, though I very much doubt it, it's totally possible things are different now. This post is just my recollection of the events that happened in 2018 and 2019. I do vouch for this post's accuracy, but please do not take my word as law.

Back in the winter of 2018, when Tumblr announced its decision to ban female-representing nipples, a lot of us were looking for a new place to kick open shop. There was talk amongst fandommers about making a social media platform like Tumblr but with the same fan-run principles of AO3. Fortunately, a handful of people had already taken on this venture a couple of years prior, and they happened to be ready just in time to seize this opportunity. Thus, a website called Pillowfort was launched in the conclusion of a Kickstarter. At the time, this was quite appealing to the Tumblr userbase, who flocked in droves to purchase their $5.00 Pillowfort accounts. Unfortunately, the people who started Pillowfort seem to have been (1) completely uninformed on how to run a website, and (2) completely uninformed on what made their inspiration so successful. Specifically, I'm talking about AO3's commitment to the ship & let ship/YKINMKATO ideal, which allows any content so long as it is legal. Lots of people would likely argue that this very principle is a large part of what has kept AO3 from the content purges that used to be extremely common. A phenomenon that Pillowfort, even in my brief experience, did not escape.

Around the end of 2018, Pillowfort released a policy statement regarding its stance on explicit artwork & underage characters. This policy statement forbade any "explicit visual art of characters that appear to be underage" (emphasis added). In other words, Pillowfort, after presenting itself as a solution to Tumblr's ban on sexually explicit fanart, had now decided to impose limitations on sexually explicit fanart? Let alone with wording that should raise immediate red flags to anyone who knows their fandom history? In case you're thinking they had some secret reason for this decision, the kind of fanart Pillowfort described in their policy statement is not illegal in the United States, in which Pillowfort was basing its terms of service. Additionally, at the time, Pillowfort was not even available to users under 18 without signed parental permission. (At least IIRC.) As far as we know, Pillowfort's decision was based solely on staff's personal preference. The post goes on to clarify their stance with the following:

"Now, due to the inherently subjective nature of trying to determine the age of a fictional character in a stylized medium, the "gray area" cases will be up to the discretion of the moderator reviewing the content. . . . We are not going to comb through the wiki of a particular fandom to try and find the canonical age of a fictional character. . . . Any explicit or sexual art of a character that appears to be physically pre-pubescent or barely pubescent (i.e. not plausibly or arguably of age, or even close to it) will be prohibited." (Emphasis added)

So... basically... what they're saying... is that if I post some sexually explicit but fictional fanart of two consenting adult characters, then Pillowfort user Karen Cuntsdottir could still potentially get my fanart deleted... and simply because it looks to both Karen Cuntsdottir and a random moderator as if the characters haven't finished puberty. Even if the actual canonical age of the character is over 18. Cool. 🙃 For those of you who may think this is a reasonable decision (which fuck off if so), this can get really dicey for characters who are otherwise consenting adults but with large age gaps, height differences, or naturally youthful appearances. As for anyone who maybe uses sexually explicit fanart like that to cope with their own CSA or who enjoys it for any other totally acceptable reason because it's fiction? Sorry, buddy, you're tough out of luck. Plus, I know that Pillowfort claims in their statement that they're not gonna go after dark content or whatever, but anyone who has a working brain knows that censorship of creative works is always a slippery slope.

In Pillowfort's defense, the argument can be made that people are allowed to consider personal preference in the creation of their own website. Unfortunately, this is not where the story ends. If you'll notice, their policy statement begins, "We apologize for not clarifying our position on this earlier; we have been working on revising the ToS to address these issues, but an incident arose today that necessitated us taking action on this matter, so it seems necessary to put things in plain terms now" (emphasis added).

What the hell incident are they talking about? Well, friends, this is where things get gross. Assuming the allegations are true (and no one, not Pillowfort, not any of its users, nor anyone else seems to have challenged their veracity), the whole reason for Pillowfort's policy statement was because of an incident that occured between Pillowfort and one of its users called Ojicon.* Earlier on, Ojicon had tried to log into their account and was unable to. Despite the bugs and lags and weirdness continuing to plague Pillowfort to this day, Ojicon soon discovered that their user page was redirecting everyone to a 404 error page, and that all of their comments and posts on Pillowfort had been removed. Eventually, Ojicon put two and two together and figured out that Pillowfort had banned their account... and it had done so without sending any kind of email or communication. In fact, Pillowfort never initiated any communication with Ojicon; it was Ojicon themselves who reached out to Pillowfort for information. Eventually Ojicon got their answer. Their account had been banned for a post featuring lolicon fanart—something that, at the time, was not against Pillowfort's terms of service. For further context, Ojicon recounts flagging their fanart using the NSFW feature, putting it beneath a read-more cut, and properly warning for underage content in their post. Despite this, Ojicon was given no warnings, no suspensions, and no chances to remove this fanart. Ojicon's entire Pillowfort account (an account Ojicon had paid for) was summarily banned without any notice whatsoever—and again, it was banned for something that had not been against the rules. Oh, and in case you're wondering, Pillowfort did confirm all of this in their response to Ojicon's email as follows:

"Yes, you were banned from the site today by a moderator. It is true that our ToS doesn't clearly define a limitation on pornographic fiction or art (we have been working on a revision of our ToS to address this issue but it isn't finished yet), so if you contributed to our Kickstarter or PayPal and want a refund then let us know and we will provide it."

*Note: Unfortunately this happened so long ago that it's hard to find legitimate sources for the exact goings-on described above, but this LiveJournal thread does a pretty good job at documenting everything. Also this archived post has a good summary and link roundup of the situation. Finally this study is really interesting and goes into the finer details of what I'm describing above.

So even if you argue that Pillowfort has a right to put whatever they want in their terms of service (despite the fact that they specifically invited Tumblr users fleeing the NSFW ban to their website, got $5 per account, and then completely changed the terms of service on said Tumblr users), Pillowfort still banned a user preemptively for something that was not yet against the rules and failed to mention any of this in their policy statement (or to the individual they were banning). And all of this was done despite their alleged commitment to transparency. IIRC, the substantial pushback they got for this choice eventually led them to share more details on the "incident" they had briefly mentioned in their policy statement... but they didn't add any new information other than what had already been found out from others. Plus, they doubled down on the wording in their policy statement (despite how easily exploitable it would be). And, while they did refund $5 to anyone who was upset by this decision, many people, myself included, did not have the energy to go through the hassle of that (especially because, while understandably so, Pillowfort implemented a time frame for how long they would be providing refunds for this reason). So I'm certain that many users let Pillowfort keep their money and that Pillowfort probably kept quite a pretty penny earned via their false promise.

Whatever the case, many of us who do not stand for anti behavior left Pillowfort, leaving behind a large amount of people who were antis themselves and/or generally supported Pillowfort's decision. Thus, I imagine Pillowfort became and remains an unsafe place for fandommers, and I do not recommend it to anyone as a substitute for Tumblr.

#Pillowfort #antis #long post #not SW related #answer #that gay jedi #CW csa mention

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shit-talk-turner · 2 years

Note

About *why* Alex agreed to work with Alexandra:

I'm going to let my imagination run a little wild in this ask (hope thats ok) and share my theory about what happened. Let me know if you see any truth in this!

Personally, I've always wondered if he intended to get as involved as he did.

This is obviously TOTALLY speculative, but I imagine that, coming off the AM tour, Alex must've been somewhat lost. The band had just wrapped what must've felt like the biggest accomplishment/most important tour of their careers. He mentioned in an interview that he could have kept touring and he wasnt eager for it all to end. There must've been some part of him/them that felt like they peaked. I can imagine that would just leave a big "what now?" question hanging over his head.

All his buddies/bandmates were getting married and having babies so that question was answered for them, and he probably felt left behind given that he was single (and by the looks of it not ready for that anyway). Also, with that "peak" and everyone starting families, I'm sure the future of the band was also kind of in limbo.

I imagine Alex must have been running through options of what he could/should do with himself if the band was going to be on an extended hiatus (Solo career? Film scoring? Writing? Producing?) when he got the call from the label about meeting Alexandra. He obviously liked her/her music, but given what she said about them just starting with a song before committing to the whole album, I can see him being more drawn in by the possibility of being to her what Josh Homme was to him, without ever really intending to be such an active/integral participant on the whole album.

He mentioned in another TBHC interview that writing with Alexandra was the first time he'd written with someone else in that way and that he learned a lot from the experience. That makes me imagine that everything happened in kind of a whirlwind. Like he thought he'd be helping her out with a few songs and before he knew it, he was so immersed in this new process and lost in the project that it started to feel like his own. (I also think that feeling creatively invigorated and in sync with someone again probably made him more attached to her, which is what led to any romantic involvement that may have existed).

Ofc it wasn't his project, though, which if he was invested, probably hit him harder whenever he was overruled. This must've given him an itch to apply what he learned and the things he was excited about to something of his own, which I think contributed to him throwing all of himself into TLSP the way he did. (Side note: people here have brought up Louise as a surrogate for Alexandra before, but I actually think Miles took on that role at that time - at least creatively. Alex seems to have carried over a lot of what he learned/took away from his experience with Alexandra and poured it into EYCTE and his writing processes with Miles. Couple that with the fact that EYCTE kind of started because Alex was helping Miles work out some songs for his next album, and the fact that Miles has admitted to looking up to Alex for songwriting advice... it just seems like EYCTE would have let him do everything he was doing with Alexandra while not having to compromise on his vision and being able to call the finished product his own).

If Alex's dedication to the album left as quickly as it came, it would line up with that interview where Alexandra said that one day Alex just kind of unceremoniously told her that they were done working on the album. It'd makes sense that she would walk away from that feeling a little embittered (and maybe used/confused - especially if they did have a fling), while still being appreciative of his help and not wanting to burn that bridge (hence touring with TLSP and the lovely dedication).

Idk. I feel like I just wrote a whole fic in your inbox! 😅 What do you think? Does any part of this hold water?

This mod at least finds this all very insightful, thank you for submitting! I had considered Alex feeling lost but not really the aspect that he might have considered it his project as well, which would give some more potential reasoning for Alexandra's frustration besides just the Alex-focused press. He certainly seems more entwined in it than is typical for a songwriter or producer to be. Like, apparently pre-Alex, Alexandra was writing songs with Linda Perry and it's hard to imagine that she would have gotten more than a passing mention if Alexandra had released an album of those songs, with random session musicians playing the instrumentals, instead. ENDLESSLY fascinating. Feel free to send us more essays any time, anon.

I'll let my co-mod/co-president of Alexandra's fan club chime in...Anyone else have thoughts?

#alex turner #alexandra savior

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radicalandmathematical · 3 years

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All you said was separatism is good but we should be understanding of the hetero women who want to find romantic love and radfems really countered with romantic love not being real in the first place so hetero women don’t need love and should be fine with separatism. It costs $0 to have empathy for our hetero sisters and the unique challenges they face under patriarchy but radfems really said die unhappy because anthropology says you’re not actually unhappy I guess.

I'm not sure if this is in response to something I said awhile back that is making rounds, or to something I reblogged.

But yeah, idk. I think it's reasonable for straight women (all women, really) to desire romance, and it's a big choice to give that up completely, so we should be understanding and support women who aren't ready to make that step by providing resources, information, and female only spaces on a small scale, too.

Personally I'm not sure if I'll ever date again (I haven't in about 8 years!), and when I consider things realistically I doubt I will, but making the commitment to 100% never date again, to completely rule out finding romantic love, is still daunting to me. I just think it's not as easy a choice as some people act like it is.

And when women who don't have to make that choice act like we're stupid or traitors or whatever because we hesitate or aren't willing to do it right away? Like have some empathy. That attitude pushes me away from separatism, rather than towards it. I don't want to join up with people who talk about heterosexual women in disgusting ways, like calling us "fuck-cattle" or talk about us "hopping on dick." Like... even if I'm willing to separate completely, which Idk about, I would want it to be far away from those people.

And all the arguments about how it should be an easy choice because men are awful? Like yeah, we know. You don't need to tell us. It's just still a difficult decision to make. And not be like "not all men!" but many of us do hold out hope for a decent guy to show up, and I do think there are individual men who can be good partners. This may sound like I'm saying "not to say not all men, but actually not all men." But like, there is class analysis, and then there is discussing your personal relationships. The issue in general with saying "not all men" is that it brings individual experiences and personal relationships into class analysis, which isn't helpful or relevant. In this context for women who hesitate they're thinking about it on an individual, personal level, because that is the level the choice to give up romantic relationships is on. It's a different context and I feel like people don't see that, because they're concerned with complete separatism and why it's good on a class level, without recognizing the choice is made on a personal one.

The idea that romantic love isn't real is laughable to me. Like it's something people feel everyday. How is it less real than platonic love? I'll never understand.

I do support separatism on every level, to be clear. I support having female only spaces that women can come and go from. I support women who completely eliminate men from their personal life. I support female only schools, workplaces, etc. I support women only communes. I think it's important to create these spaces!

Sorry I just kind of went off. I wanted to express a lot of this stuff but didn't want to reblog a post going around and get into a big fight. So this anon just got me thinking.

#thanks for asking!!#anon

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sunkissed-mogai · 2 years

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I think... a poly qpr would be cool! I think I'd be ok w/ that, but I wonder if ti would maybe be ok if I like.... only half be in it? I'm not fully ready for one, but at the same time I kwant to be in one with y'all, so could it be like a half qpr? Where it's kind of like..... idk... like uh less committed? Idk if this makes sense, but I think I would love to be in a qpr with you both regardless! /Gen Ily both <3 /p/qp -⭐

yeah i get that! like... you're experimenting!! and if the experiment goes badly you can just be like "okay cool well that didn't work" and we'll be like "okay snazzy"!! and i have to ask ?_? anyway, so. yeah :]

#⭐anon #i once was poison ivy but now i'm your daisy; xenie gets asks!

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nudibutch · 3 years

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hii advice ask anon here, so for context, im 19 n ive only ever hooked up with guys before n that was ethically icky so it doesnt count in my head🤝. basicallt i dont have a lot of experience being a Participant in sex lol. anyway since covid ended (here) ive been going out more to clubs and bars and it made me realize i can pretty much have sex with a girl anytime i want since i get hit on a lot, and i want to. and im moving soon so im not really into dating rn so hookups r my best bet to do that. but idk how to approach it cause likeee. emotionally im fine with it and i feel like i dont need any accommodation on behalf of the person to make me comfortable or whatever. But physically. cant you TELL of someone has never had sex with a woman. cause i rly dont want them to be able to tell because its not that deep for me and i dont want it to be a thing but like rn for instance i would only feel comfortable being on the receiving end of anything if im just with with a random person bc of emotional reasons. but is that how club hookups even work?? isnt it rude to not want to reciprocate? sorry i know this sounds rambly but im pretty sure ur gonna get it or at least the overall theme😭 tldr:I just feel like if im already in 18+ queer spaces everyone around u assumes youre cool and confident about everythint n im only 50% that and i dont want to have to be in a loving committed relationship to have sex with a girl becayse im not into that rn. Thank u in advance sorry for the long rant and also ur so sweet for making that long reply post i appreciate it

hey there! thanks for elaborating. i'm going to answer the rest of your ask in parts below the cut since there are multiple things i want to comment on.

"anyway since covid ended (here)"

while covid restrictions may have been lifted in your area, still be careful! especially with non-pandemic related illnesses, such as STDs. if you need any pointers on how to have safe sex, especially with someone with a vagina (since I feel like that's less emphasized than condoms and dicks), please ask.

"im not really into dating rn so hookups r my best bet to do that. but idk how to approach it cause likeee. emotionally im fine with it and i feel like i dont need any accommodation on behalf of the person to make me comfortable or whatever."

define "make you comfortable"? hookups don't have to be completely devoid of caring. it's just two people looking for a fun time. if you're nervous, maybe it isn't the time to seek a hookup yet. i can't really tell you if you're ready or not; only you know that. but i do want to remind you that you should feel comfortable during the hookup -- if you aren't comfortable, it won't be an enjoyable experience for you.

for example, the closest thing i came to a "hookup" was a short fling i had (we had sex once and only hung out maybe two or three times). it was a waitress that had given me her number. we met for a date, made sure we both weren't weirdos, and talked a lot about other things and only had sex like 1/3 of the time we did our fling thing. but even during hooking up, we were communicating and checking in and even derailing a little with conversations.

again, your wording here is vague, but i just wanted to remind you that hooking up doesn't need to be super impersonal.

"But physically. cant you TELL of someone has never had sex with a woman."

i think the main thing you need to focus on is listening to the other person. i've had sex with different people, but each new person i have sex with there's an adjustment period because their body likes different things. so it's kind of like i'm having sex for the first time each time. even though i have a general sense of what people like on average, i'm always asking the other person if what i'm doing is good. and a lot of times, i have to change what i'm doing. no harm, no foul, strongly encouraged.

"cause i rly dont want them to be able to tell because its not that deep for me and i dont want it to be a thing"

this is a conflicting statement to me. it sounds like it's important to you, and i think you should really evaluate whether them "being able to tell" is something that will bother you or not. if it's seriously distracting to you, that might cause undue anxiety during sex, which will definitely make it less fun for you.

"for instance i would only feel comfortable being on the receiving end of anything if im just with with a random person bc of emotional reasons. but is that how club hookups even work?? isnt it rude to not want to reciprocate?"

1) you are allowed to have whatever boundaries you want. if that means only receiving, that is 100% okay. in general: it's okay to only want to receive. you aren't selfish.

2) here's how any sex, club hookup or not, should work: you lay out your boundaries. you do not owe that person an explanation unless you want to give one. the person lays out their boundaries. you both say "yeah im okay with that!" and have sex.

if you say "hey, i'm really only okay receiving right now, this is just where i'm at" and they shit on you or pressure you to reciprocate, thats not a person you should be having sex with.

additionally - there are plenty of people out there (like me!) who only want to give and prefer giving. main takeaway is that you should not EVER feel like you need to relinquish your boundaries for someone else, no matter if it's a club hookup or a serious relationship.

"I just feel like if im already in 18+ queer spaces everyone around u assumes youre cool and confident about everythint n im only 50% that"

i'll let you know right now that other people your age have also worried about this exact same thing -- why? because a lot of gay people experience these things later in life for multiple reasons (no out people to date in high school, stayed in closet for safety, etc.) like i said in my last answer to your first ask, performance anxiety is normal. but a lot of gay people your age are in the same boat, and many people don't experience their first kiss or have sex until their 20s, 30s, etc.

you don't owe anyone a "hey ive never had sex with a girl" unless telling them that (or something along those lines) makes you feel better. more likely than not a lot of people in the bar have never had sex, or very little sex, also. if someone's a dick about it to you, makes a rude comment or something...well, they're not a very good sexual partner anyway, and not worth your time.

my parting note: don't feel like you have to rush into things. i'm glad i could help clarify some things for you, but if you're about to move, etc., and are still grappling with some of this stuff...there's no rush. there's absolutely nothing wrong with being 19 (or 20, or 30...etc) and having not had sex yet. and about having sex with men in the past...i also want to remind you that this does not make you any less of a gay person (lesbian? i'm getting the vibe from this ask), especially with that shitty "gold star lesbian" thing that always goes around...you're all good. don't even sweat it. <3

i know this was long, but i hope there was something in here that helped! good luck out there and stay safe.

#long post #answered #anonymous #sorry this took a while to get to but i've gotchu!

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deadmomjokes · 5 years

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I need "Mom" advice...I get married in a couple months and honestly I'm nervous about sex. My actual mom never talked to me about it...was taboo. I barely learned about my period, except some friends explained and helped me through it. I'm afraid I won't make my husband happy or it will hurt. I've heard varying stories of friends' first times, and I don't want things to be awkward. I don't even know how to bring it up with my fiancé.

Thank you SO much forfeeling comfortable coming to me! I’ll try to give a basic “sex ed” lessonhere, and if you’re worried about specific things, please feel free to comeback and ask more, or PM me, or send me an ask off anon to ask about email if you’drather do it that way. Whatever’s going to be most helpful for you. I hope Ican address the concerns you listed, and possibly some that might be underlyingin general (most people have a lot of nebulous nervous feelings surroundingphysical intimacy that can be hard to put to words).

(For those uninterested or uncomfortable, a verybig TW for talking about sexual activity in a scientific sort of way, buttechnical terms and (respectful) descriptions may abound.) LOOOOOOOOONG post ahead, but hopefully comprehensive, respectful, and useful.

First Things First I Guess

Firstly, please know it’s super normal to benervous about sex. Almost everyone is, especially in family or social culturesthat don’t normalize talking about sex. We also do a crappy job in general offormal education about sex and sexuality, so too many people (especially women)aren’t given any background. If both of you are virgins, or new to sexualactivity in general, I bet he’s actually nervous too.

Second, bringing it up is going to be hard, butSO important. It might be worth sitting down and simply saying “I haveno idea how to bring this up, but here it is: I’m worried about sex.” The basis for any good sex life is communication and respect. Ifhe’s not nervous but you are, he has to respect that and be understanding ofthe time you may need to adjust. My guess is he has concerns as well, and beingable to talk about it together will bring a huge measure of relief to both ofyou. Another idea to bring it up would be to write an email or text saying thatyou’re not sure how to bring it up, but want to make sure both of you arecomfortable talking about it, so is there a time y’all could talk about it.Idk, that might be a bit formal for how you guys usually do things, but I knowsome people think better in written form. But being able to talk about your concerns, and having a shared general expectation of how things will go the first time is going to be helpful in making sure you’re not terrified of your honeymoon.

Third, and this is the big one: Almost no one’sfirst sexual encounter goes how they think it will, and that’s almost all because of unrealistic expectations. Sex is a weird concept, bodies areweird, and our cultural and social idea of sex is HIGHLY romanticizedand “sterilized” as it were. We have this Hollywood idea of what sex lookslike and is, and real sex has never been that way. It may end up being awkward physically (more later on that), but that’s okay, because that’s often just how things are, and sexual experiences tend to get better with time. Our culture has normalized the idea of “perfect sex” and promotes this big romantic “first time” narrative, but it almost never works out that way. Not to say it won’t or can’t be fun for you, just know it won’t be all fireworks and amazement right off the bat, because there’s a lot to coordinate between two people and four limbs and blankets and stuff.

Sex might be physically strange or a bit uncomfortable especially the firsttime, but if done properly it doesn’t have to hurt. By done properly, I meangiving both parties enough time to adjust, warm up, and become comfortablewith the situation. First intercourse with any partner, but especially yourfirst EVER partner should be about exploring and admiring each others’ bodies,without pressure to actually engage in classical intercourse (meaningpenetrative intercourse) if you don’t feel up to it. Being very nervous can prevent your body fromadapting in the way it needs to in order to be comfortable and pain-free duringintercourse.

The body has a complex system of reactions thatgear it up for intercourse, but here’s the basics.

How Sex Works Physically

What most people refer to as “foreplay” isgenerally not an optional thing for comfortable sex; smooching, cuddling, and a feeling of closeness are basically necessary to trigger thechemical reactions that start the physical adaptations for sex. Going from 0 (hey how’s it going) to60 (penetrative sex) instantly is going to be uncomfortable at best, but will likely hurtespecially in the beginning. Plus you won’t get anything out of it, and committed-partner sexshould be about emotional closeness as much as it is about physical sensationfor BOTH partners. So spending time cuddling and kissing is an important partof “actual sex.” The chemicals that are released during this time trigger yourbody to send increased bloodflow to the sexual organs, starting the sexual response cycle. (NOTE: Some people can begin the sexual response cycle by thinking about sex, reading or viewing erotic material, or “talking dirty,” so if y’all are really worked up and into it, much “traditional” foreplay like making out may not be necessary. This is usually what’s going on with what people refer to as a “quickie,” both parties are already physically prepared for sex because they’ve been thinking about it and that triggered the sexual response to begin.)

In female/afab bodies, the increased bloodflowresults in swelling of the labia (external parts) and a feeling of fullness,which increases physical sensation (perception of touch), which in turn triggersthe production of lubrication (some people refer to this as getting orbeing “wet” if you’ve heard that term thrown around. And don’t worry, it’s not like a ton of liquid, it won’t be like peeing everywhere or anything, it just makes sure things can move around easily, like an oil coating in a pan.) It also triggers thevagina (the internal parts) to expand, and the vaginal opening to relax and expand. Thesethree processes (lubrication, internal expansion, and external relaxation) are important in making sure sex doesn’t hurt. Like I said,with first intercourse, it may still be a bit uncomfortable because it’s a new sensation and your brain may still be on “no sex, sex is off-limits” mode, evensubconsciously. But if you experience pain–sharp or burning or stinging or stabbing pain, not just pressure (which is normal)– that’s not good, and you should back off and try again later after moresmoochy times or even a good night’s sleep.

Male/amab bodies are somewhat easier to understandbecause much of their adaptation happens externally, and also it’s much moresocially discussed. The penis has a complicated system of tissues that trapthe increased bloodflow coming in, resulting in the enlargement and hardeningof the penis (this is called “erection,” or sometimes informally “getting hard”). It also triggers a production of lubrication, but this is muchless than is produced by the vagina. The male lubrication comes from theopening in the penis, which is called the urethra. (Yes, it is technically thesame tube and opening where urine comes from, but the body totally shuts offthe valve at the bladder for intercourse, so there is no risk of cross-contamination.)During this time, the testicles (most often called the balls, of course) arepreparing semen, which contains sperm and is a thick, viscous liquid. (Theprostate also helps in producing this liquid.) During male orgasm, the semen isexpelled from the same urethral opening mentioned above.

To define, orgasm is the point at which the bodypeaks in pleasure, and is generally the result of repeated physical stimulationto erogenous zones. Erogenous zones are the parts of the body that producesexual pleasure when stimulated. (For many people, this includes not only thegenitals, but the nipples as well.) Male orgasm is easy to identify because itis almost always accompanied by ejaculation (expulsion of the semen), butfemales also orgasm. During female orgasm, the muscles of the vagina anduterus repeatedly contract, which can’t be seen of course(leading folks in the past to believe women couldn’t orgasm).

So, a quick recap: you get all smoochy, then you get all handsy, then clothes come off somewhere in the smoochy and touchy phases, and then if youwant comes penetrative sex. This is the part most people are scared of, and hasthe potential to cause pain if you’re not ready mentally or physically (as inyour sexual response hasn’t yet kicked in all over your body).

I know this is kind of squirmy to say, but itmay actually take several tries (sometimes over several days) toactually “succeed” at penetrative sex, meaning that the penis can enterthe vagina without pain to the vagina-owner. It could also be difficult to findexactly where to put the penis, because generally penis-owners don’t know muchabout what they’re looking for (especially if you’re both virgins), andvagina-owners can’t see what’s going on. So keeping a sense of humor and a lineof communication is super important. Sex is WEIRD. It’s just weird and bizarrewhen you start thinking about it (at least to me, on the asexual spectrum), andacknowledging that and realizing that it won’t be some glamorous tangle oflimbs set to romantic music like on the TV is going to go a long way toward making your experience somuch more positive, and much less awkward.

Mentioned Worries

Re:not wanting it to be awkward. Luckily, it won’t have to be emotionally awkward or embarrassing if y’all go into it with the same expectations, and those expectations are realistic. There’s physical awkwardness, like how a box that’s not heavy but is weirdly shaped is “awkward,” and that’s going to happen no matter what because you’ve never had experience with how to do this sex thing, and you’re not sure where to put your limbs or how to move around another person. But what can be avoided is FEELING awkward, emotional awkwardness, and that’s done through having realistic expectations of what sex is and how it works, and of knowing that both of you are on the same page with this, and are interested in making it work for both of you.

You also mentioned being worried you won’t make your husband happy–I want you to knowboth that this is fine and a good desire (to make him happy), but that it’s not your responsibility to sexually please your husband, and sex is something for BOTH of you. It’s not all on you, it literally takes two to make itwork. Sex isn’t all about him; if it’s something you want to share in yourrelationship, it should be something you want to make work for you, as well as for him. So he has as much responsibility to you as you do to him, to be respectful of your boundaries especially as youfirst get introduced to sex, and to “take care of you” as much as you dofor him. Sex with a new partner is going to take trial and error indiscovering what you both like and dislike, and it’s okay and necessary to be vocal andsay “Please don’t do that” if you need to. I know that you WANT to make him happy, and that’s excellent, because hopefully he wants to do that for you, too! Just know that if sex is kind of weird at first, or y’all can’t quite figure out what’s up on night one, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a partner, that you let him down, or that you won’t be able to satisfy each other in the future (even the near future). Adjust expectations so that your first experience isn’t about having the most amazing sex you’ll ever have (more on that in a bit), but about discovering this new facet of your relationship together.

You also mentioned you were afraid of ithurting, and this is the most common fear about sex. You probably heard or readstuff about “breaking the hymen” or “tearing” or something like that.While some girls will have small tears in the hymen (the flap of skin thatsometimes partially covers the vaginal opening), a lot of girls won’t, and thisskin stretches as the physical sexual response (sometimes calledsimply “arousal”) progresses. It’s also less likely to tearor “break” during sex if you’ve used tampons before, because tampons sometimesactually rupture the hymen just by their nature. (This isn’t to say you shouldstart using tampons if you’re not comfortable, of course.) If the hymen doesrupture, you might experience a bit of bleeding, but it’s nothing a pad can’thandle (much MUCH less than a period, more like getting a small cut on yourarm). Sometimes you won’t notice a rupture til after sex if you’re really intoit, but you might also feel it or feel it about to start. If that happens and it hurts, bevocal and tell your partner to stop. You don’t have to hurt during sex, youdon’t owe that to anyone. In fact, you owe it to yourself to NOT endure painjust for someone else’s pleasure. So it might be worth talking to your fiancebeforehand and having a stop-word, which can literally just be “Stop.” Butboth of you should understand going into this that either one of you has the right tosay “no more” at any point.

It may also be worth considering getting somelubricant (”lube”) if you’re really worried about pain, because most pain comesfrom insufficient biological lubrication or insufficient stretching of thevaginal opening, and lube can help with both. Many people find it super fun toapply to each other, apparently, and it can certainly be useful when you’rejust starting out and both new to this idea. (also, if using a condom, lube is important because sometimes the material can irritate the sensitive skin of the vagina and labia) But the most important things youtwo can do for each other as you embark on this adventure together are to bewilling to voice your opinions and feelings, and also to take time to get toknow each others’ bodies and preferences. That’s more or less part of what the honeymoon is for.

Also, make sure you go to the gynecologistbefore you get married. It’s might be awkward or feel a bit embarrassing, but super important in making sureyou’re healthy for sex (just know that gyns do this for a living and have literally seen it all, so your body won’t be a big deal, and they aren’t judging you). And if you happen to have a problem like vaginismus(painful spasms or contractions of the vaginal opening that prevent anythingfrom entering, including tampons or medical equipment) or an obstructive hymen,the Gyn can tell you and help you with that. You can also ask them questions you have about sex, and some Gyns have tools you can use at home to “stretch” the vaginal opening (it’s not generally necessary and is more for psychological assistance than huge physical benefit, but some people who are truly small might actually need a bit of help there, so it’s up to you). You will also probably want birthcontrol, or to discuss options about birth control unless y’all are planning ona baby right away. (Also he should go to the doc and get a checkup, too, justto be safe, and if he’s ever had other sexual partners at any time in the past, he should get checkedfor STDs.)

The Big Important Thing to Remember

Please know:Wedding night sex isn’t going to be the best sex you’ll ever have ever. Cultures inwhich waiting is the expectation or norm (Christianity is the big one for this)tend to promote this idea that your wedding night will be a big amazing reward for waiting, and isgoing to be the most important and pleasurable sex you’ll ever have in your whole entire life and if it isn’t, you’ve done something wrong. It creates a huge amount of pressure surrounding what can already be an emotionally laden experience. But studies on sexual satisfactionshow that couples who have been together for years have the greatest levels ofsatisfaction. So please don’t go into it expecting that your first intercourseis going to make it or break it. It’s more than likely going to be a bit weird even though it will hopefully also be fun and pleasurable, but you’ll have better sex as time goes on and you get to know eachother and figure out what the heck you’re doing.

Think of it this way: say you LOVE music, and have always wanted to play a piano. You’ve never gotten to be around a real piano before, but playing the piano is a lifelong dream. Are you going to expect yourself to be able to play Mozart the first time you walk into a room with a piano? No! That doesn’t mean that the experience of sitting down at a piano for the first time won’t be euphoric and a fulfillment of a dream, but you can’t go into it thinking or expecting that you’ll be a master the first time you touch the keys. Look at little kids meeting a piano– they just smash around on the keys and it sounds awful to US as adults who know what it “should sound like” and who might even know how to read music and play a bit, but that kid is having the time of their life experiencing the magic of music and of playing the piano. First having sex is like that. It probably won’t be perfect, and you may look back on it years down the road and kind of go “wow we were goofy and weird,” but it can still be fun as long as you aren’t expecting perfection going in. So no, your wedding night isn’t going to be The Objectively Best Sex Ever, and you probably won’t be quite sure what you’re doing and might even be kind of bad at it, but that doesn’t mean it won’t also be nice and wonderful. You’re not doing something wrong if you aren’t over the moon with your first experience; it just means you have something even better to look forward to figuring out and experiencing together! Especially if both of you are virgins, you may have a bit of a time figuring out how things work, but that’s not a sign of failure.

Plus, when you’ve been culturally surrounded by a narrative of taboo, it can feel mentally scary to suddenly engage in something that used to be off-limits in the biggest of ways. That’s why talking about it frankly is important (and why I have no problem with discussing sex in educational terms!), and why it’s important to discuss with your partner throughout y’all’s sexual life together.

Sex is messy, there’s fluids everywhere, people get sweaty, bodies are weird, and our brains are weird. But I hope knowing all this can help you feel a bit more prepared, and a bit more comfortable. I know this was long and a ton of info, but I’m super passionate about making sure people are educated thoroughly about this stuff, because I never knew any of it growing up. Our school lied to the state about sex-ed; we were supposed to have it, and they didn’t, but said they did. I never got the sex talk because I wasn’t interested in guys OR girls (I was ace and had no clue, another place education failed all of us), so my mom never told me anything about it. I learned a lot in college through classes and through academic research, and then more when I switched to health as a major (and became enraged that we don’t talk about this stuff!!).

So I hope that despite being long-winded, it can be a useful reference, and hopefully put some worries to rest or at least take it down a notch. And do let me know if you have further questions, or if this was totally off the mark for what you were looking for!

#sex tw #long post #advice #sex education

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