#and idk how to even deal with it or how to express my gratefulness like how do you. how do you begin to give all of that back im dizzy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

qtboni · 9 months

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hi AGAIN.

ugh i cant get out of your fucking page. its like i live here like a rat

im back, hi, have another req bc i just thought of it and needed it in my veins.

how about some comfort from fatherfigure!price? like reader is sad kinda and he helps? maybe reader "accidentally" calls him dad, nothing to /srs

(im mentally okay i swear😭)

idk if you even do price tbh, i haven't seen it on your page tho

anyways i needed to write this somewhere or ill forget and like wither away into nothing or sum shit

im being dramatic. i think.

okay thats it bye bye dearest boni.

(sorry im constently blowing up your asks😭😭)

HAI LOVIE !! THIS WAS SO FUNNY TO WRITE AGHSHS ALSO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LOMG OMG.

╰﹒ 𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓'𝐃 𝐔 𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐄 ?

PAIRING: Captain 'John' Price X Reader

C/W: comfort & humor! + gn!reader, explicit words, price playin' wit chu, somebody ate your cake (it was soap don't tell him tho /hj)

W/C: 1.3k

"What's got you looking so down today, sergeant?" Captain Price asked in his usual stern voice as he entered the living room, noticing the dejected look on your face.

You had been sitting on the sofa for hours now, cleaning your holster and moping around. He approached you with a glass of water in hand.

"Somebody ate my cake," you slowly replied, your voice heavy with emotion. You didn't usually get sad over such small things, but today, you feel so tired.

"Are you telling me that you're this upset over a slice of cake?" he asked, a hint of amusement in his tone. Captain Price raised an eyebrow, clearly surprised to hear something like that coming from you.

"I guess I am," you said, your voice barely audible. You shrugged and looked down at your holster, not wanting to admit to being such a crybaby. "I was saving it for this specific rest day to ... indulge myself with sweets.."

Captain Price's expression softened as he placed the glass of water down next to you. He sat down on the sofa next to you and put an arm around your shoulders.

"Listen, sergeant," he said in a comforting tone, "It's okay to be upset about something. Everyone has their own quirks and things that are important to them. And in our line of work, we need to be able to deal with any situation and not let little stuff like this get us down."

"Thanks, Cap'," you said, a hint of embarrassment in your voice. You smiled at him, grateful for the reassurance.

"Any time," He replied with a soft smile. He then stood up and left the room, returning a few minutes later with two fairly large cookies, handing it to you. "Here, this should cheer you up."

"No way," You were overjoyed, your face lighting up with a smile.

"Yes way," He replied, playfully eyeing the cookies then to you. "Have it, yeah?"

"Dad, oh my god," You squealed excitedly, taking a bite out of the cookie, savoring the taste of the sweetness and the tenderness. "This is so sweet of you. Thank you so much!"

Oh no. Dad? Did you just call your captain, 'dad'?

Avoiding the embarrassment of calling your captain 'dad' in a moment of vulnerability, you silently prayed that he hadn't heard it. This was going to be awkward, and the thought of having to explain yourself was making you cringe.

Just play it off...

Now as much as Price wants to give you the other cookie for you to eat, he retracted his hand away from your grabby hands, not letting you get one.

"Cap?" Your hands stay levitated, clearly ready to munch on the cookie on your Captain's grip.

Did he caught on?

"Hm?"

You had to think fast. Change the subject before things got too awkward!

"Are.. are you going to eat that?"

"Nope."

"Then why- actually no, just- isn't that for me?"

"Correct," He chuckles as he continued dangling the pastry infront of you.

Silence.

You stared at him incredulously, your hand visibly itching to just pounce on the cookie and munch on it.

What was your captain doing?

"See, the funny thing is, kid," He trailed off as he waves the cookie back and forth with his hand up in the air. He smirks when your eyes followed the cookie's movement. "I haven't thought much of being a father."

Shit. Play it off...

You hummed in confusion, tilting your head in curiosity.

Where was he going with this? And also, can he just give you the cookie? After all, he gave it to you, right?

Just give me the cookie, dammit.

"Let alone..." He paused and looked at you in the eyes. Shit. "Someone calling me one, aye?"

You feel like you could sink into the ground and vanish from existence. The embarrassment was too much to bear!

"...Who?"

Bye.

Captain Price chuckles at you, "Don't play dumb on me now, sergeant."

Your mind is racing, trying to think of something to say. You stuttered a reply, "I- Capta-"

But before you know it, he interrupts your thoughts with his sharp wit.

"Oh? It was 'Dad' a second ago, wasn't it?" He retorded with a proud smirk playing across his lips, looking at you with an air of amusement and teasing. He knows exactly what to say to get under your skin and he's not afraid to use it to his advantage.

It's clear that he wants an answer, but all you can do is sputter a few incoherent words before retreating back into your shell. You feel a mix of embarrassment and frustration, wishing you could come up with a clever come-back, but the only thing that's clear right now is that Price has you stumped.

"Sergeant?" He calls out to you teasingly, awaiting for your reply to his question.

"Mhm?" You can feel your ears slowly turning red as your Captain's teasing hits a nerve. You can't seem to quite meet his eyes, instead looking at the ground with an embarrassed blush. You fidget with the straps of your holster, unable to quite figure out how to respond.

"Wasn't it 'Dad' a second ago?" Captain Price repeated as he raised an eyebrow, looking at you with a mix of amusement and confusion.

You blush in embarrassment as you realize he wouldn't let you get off easily withyour slip-up. You look down at the ground.

"I'm sorry, sir," You quickly clear your throat, hoping to regain your composure. Still unable to break your gaze from the floor, you mutter, "It won't happen again."

Suddenly, the cookie appeared in your line of vision that was still situated at the ground. You heard your captain sigh and tutted, drawing your attention back to him.

The cookie! The cookie?

He held the cookie out to you, a small smile playing on his lips as he waited for you to accept it. You were initially taken aback, feeling a surge of warmth and gratitude toward your captain.

"Didn't ask for an apology, kid," He said with a playful frown, seemingly amused by the situation. He took your hand and placed the cookie on it, his gaze locking onto yours. "Was just surprised is all, hm?"

"Still," You cleared you throat as straightened your posture and looked up at him, albeit still feeling the sting of embarrassment. "It's my bad."

"Mhm," He hummed softly and raised his hand up to your head. He gently pats your head affectionately, yet his hand ruffled your hair, leaving it disheveled. "Whatever floats your boat, kid."

The soft pat on your head sends shivers down your spine, and you give him a grateful smile.

"Thanks, Cap', again." You beemed up with a smile, raising the cookie to his vision.

He gives a small nod before turning to leave, leaving you with a sense of warmth and contentment that stays with you long after he's gone. You watch as he offered a small wave goodbye and you respond the same, feeling a sense of gratitude for his kindnesses and understanding.

You were about to take a bite out of the delicious cookie he had given you. But just as you were about to revel in the sweet taste, you heard his voice once more calling out to you and startling you.

Turning around, you saw him standing there infront of the doorway, his eyes gleaming with mischief as he continued to speak.

"Though," he began, his voice low but full of laughter spilling through, "The cake's delicious, kid. Would have it again, 10 out of 10," he finished with a wink, and you couldn't help but gape at his leaving form.

What.

"Motherfuc-"

navi / masterlist

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sunkissed-zegras · 7 months

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✮ 𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝟐'𝐬, jump then fall au!

au masterlist! masterlist!

♡ ─ word count | 1.9k

♡ ─ summary | a week into cece being the fantilli's official nanny, paloma is going through the terrible two tantrums and adam doesn't know how to deal with it.

♡ ─ warnings | unedited, fluff, anxiety, toddler tantrums (ofc), mentions of being tired, idk ?? nothing else!

♡ ─ taglist | @literatureluster @itsnotgray (fill in form in my navigation in you are interested!)

♡ ─ ev's notes | aaaaa this series is finally in full swing, i am so excited. ALSOOO PLEASE SEND IN ANY THOUGHTS U HAVE WITH THIS AU, i love when yall have your own little headcanons it literally makes my day. also, how would u guys like this to be formatted? like chapters or like.. something else??? idk but anyways, ily u all and enjoy this fic!!!!!

Adam rambled on nervously about Paloma's snack for about the fifth time as Cece followed him into the kitchen, nodding along to every word he was saying. She knew he was nervous to leave Paloma alone so she tried her best to seem interested even though he's repeated the same thing for what seemed like the millionth time.

As Adam rambled on, he suddenly stopped mid-sentence, an embarrassed flush creeping onto his cheeks. He realized he had been repeating himself, and Cece had been patiently listening the whole time.

"Sorry," he chuckled nervously, running a hand through his hair. "I guess I'm just a bit on edge with leaving Paloma alone. I want everything to be perfect for her."

Cece shook her head in understanding, "No don't even apologize! I appreciate it, I do tend to forget about stuff. And I get it, the first time is always the hardest."

Adam sighed, feeling grateful for her understanding. "Thanks, Cece. I know I can be a bit... overprotective sometimes."

"It's a good quality, especially when it comes to being a dad," she replied warmly. "I get it, I go crazy for my little brother. I'm pretty sure I would commit a crime for him," you joked playfully.

Adam chuckled, the tension in the room easing as he appreciated Cece's sense of humor. "Yeah, me too. Paloma is my world, and I'd do anything to make sure she's safe and happy."

Cece smiled warmly, a genuine warmth in her eyes. "I can tell you're a great dad, Adam. Paloma is lucky to have you." Her smile carried her feelings and she saw herself in Adam as he talked about Paloma. She was the same with her brother and her little nephew and niece.

His expression softened, and he returned the smile. "Thanks, Cece. That means a lot."

Comfort silence filled the kitchen before Adam got a phone call and cursed under his breath, "Shit, I'm late."

Cece watched as Adam's expression shifted from one of warmth to a sudden realization that he was running late. She could sense the urgency in his voice as he cursed softly.

"I gotta get going but call me if anything happens. And if I don't answer, call Luca or mom. Oh, you don't have my mom's number, let me give it to you in case-"

Cece let out a soft laugh as she put a hand on his shoulder in comfort, "It's fine, Adam. Don't worry I'm sure I'll get a hold of you, alright? Just relax and get to your meeting in one piece."

He took a breath and then laughed along with her, even though there was still some anxiety running through his veins. He nodded, "Alright, sorry about that, you're right." This was part of the process, it would be okay.

"Don't apologize, you're okay." Cece still had an understanding expression on her face as Adam took another deep breath before walking to the door and taking his keys.

"Alright, I'll see you in a couple hours. Paloma's sleeping right now but you remember-" He saw her expression and then let out an anxious sigh before nodding. "You got it?"

"I got it, boss." You joked playfully as he smiled. "Bye,"

"Bye." He took one more look around his apartment before leaving the apartment.

As Adam left for his meeting, Cece stood in the doorway, watching him until he disappeared from view. She then turned her attention back to the apartment, a newfound sense of responsibility settling in her heart. Taking a deep breath, she walked over to check on Paloma, who was still peacefully sleeping in her room.

The apartment was quiet, save for the gentle sounds of Paloma's breathing. Cece couldn't help but smile as she looked down at the sleeping toddler.

──

A FEW WEEKS LATER

──

Adam walked into the apartment after a long and grueling practice, his body feeling the weight of exhaustion. The familiar scent of home welcomed him as he closed the door behind him. He let out a sigh of relief, glad to be back in the comfort of his own space.

He entered the living room, he noticed the soft glow of dimmed lights and the sound of gentle music playing in the background. It was a scene he had grown accustomed to since Cece had become a part of their lives.

He made his way to the kitchen, where he found Cece cleaning Paloma's dishes. She looked up and smiled warmly when she saw him. "Hey, Adam. How was practice?"

She could tell he was tired, he has been for the entirety of the week. She respected how hard he worked at practice and how he still had energy for Paloma, even after an exhausting practice.

Adam stretched his tired muscles and replied, "Long and exhausting, per usual, but it's done. How's Paloma?"

Cece's smile widened. "She's been an sweetheart. We played and watched a Barbie movie, had dinner, now she's asleep in bed."

Adam felt a sense of relief wash over him. He had been anxious about leaving Paloma in someone else's care, but seeing how well Cece was handling everything put his mind at ease. Right as he was about to respond, the familiar cry of Paloma rang through the apartment.

Cece, out of habit, immediately dropped the dishes into the sink and walked out of the kitchen before Adam spoke, "Cece, it's fine. Let me go see what's up."

"Oh, alright-"

This had been a problem for the past week, Paloma throwing tantrums right after being put to sleep. Adam had tried everything he could think of to soothe her, but nothing seemed to work.

He made his way to Paloma's bedroom and found her sitting up in her crib, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Hey, sweetheart, what's wrong?" he asked softly as he lifted her into his arms.

Paloma clung to him, her tiny hands gripping his shirt as she continued to cry.

Adam's heart broke at his daughter's cries. He held her close and whispered soothingly, "It's okay, Paloma. Daddy's here, and you're okay." His arms were sore from practice but he couldn't get himself to leave her as she continued to cry loudly.

He gently rocked her back and forth, his heart aching as he tried to comfort her. Paloma's cries gradually subsided, and she nestled against his chest, her breathing slowly evening out. He didn't want to put her back in the crib because he didn't want to her wake up again and cry, so he stayed like that for a few seconds even if he was exhausted.

Cece walked in quietly and Adam put his finger on his finger to singal to be quiet. Paloma made a soft noise and Adam let out a sigh of exhaustion but to his surprise, she didn't start crying again as she saw Cece.

Instead, she sat up in Adam's arms and reached out to Cece, making a soft, wanting sound. Cece couldn't help but let out a laugh, her heart warmed by the sight of Paloma's tiny outstretched arms.

Adam slowly gave Paloma to Cece and she immediately held onto her, putting her head on her shoulder and her eyes immediately shut.

Adam watched with a mixture of relief and admiration as Paloma snuggled into Cece's arms, her cries now fully replaced by contentment. He had been worried about leaving her alone with the Cece, but this moment reassured him that he had made the right choice.

Cece held Paloma gently, her heart melting at the trust Paloma was placing in her. She swayed softly, creating a soothing rhythm that seemed to lull Paloma back into a peaceful slumber.

Adam couldn't help but smile at the sight. His daughter was finally finding comfort and security in the presence of another person. He made a gesture to the door to silently say he was going to leave and Cece gave him a sweet smile and a thumbs up with her free hand. As he left the room, his heart swelled at the new memory. He felt himself get used to Cece and Paloma together, it was a new welcome sight.

After he took a shower, he walked into the kitchen and he heard Paloma's bedroom door open quietly and then he turned to see Cece. She caught his gaze and smiled before walking up to him.

Adam felt comfortable as he saw Cece approaching him from the hallway. There was something comforting about her presence, something that put him at ease. He couldn't help but return her smile with a warm one of his own.

"Hey," she greeted softly, her voice carrying a sense of warmth and ease. "Paloma is back to sleep. I think she just needed a little reassurance."

"Good, I'm glad. Hopefully she sleeps the whole night." Adam sighed and he still sounded tired after his shower. You couldn't help but feel bad for him, you knew how much sports and a career could take a toll on a person. She couldn't even imagine on top of all of that, having a toddler to take care of. "And thanks, Cece. You're great with her."

She waved off his gratitude. "It's my pleasure, Adam. I enjoy spending time with her, she's such a sweet girl and she makes my job so much easier."

He nodded in agreement as he listened to her compliment. "She can be handful sometimes, but she's the best thing that's ever happened to me." There was a softness in his eyes as he spoke about his daughter, a deep love that was evident in every word.

Cece smiled warmly, her heart warmed by the genuine affection Adam had for Paloma. "It's clear how much you love her, Adam. It's beautiful to see."

Adam's gaze met hers, and for a moment, time seemed to slow down as they shared a silent connection. There was something about Cece that drew him in, something he couldn't quite put into words. He immediately internally yelled at himself, he couldn't ─ not with his nanny.

He cleared his throat, breaking the momentary silence. "Well, I'm glad you're here," he admitted, his eyes still fixed on her. "It's nice to have some company too."

Cece's smile brightened, and she took a step closer to him. "I'm here whenever you need me, Adam. For both of you." Her eyes widened as Adam looked back at her and she suddenly felt self-conscious. "Like, in a friend way. Of course," she laughed nervously.

Adam couldn't help but notice the sudden shift in Cece's demeanor, and he couldn't help but chuckle softly at her nervous laughter. He appreciated the clarification, even though part of him was tempted to explore where that unspoken connection might lead to.

"Of course, Cece," he replied with a warm smile. "Well, you're my first official friend in Ohio. Well, other than the team."

She returned the smile, "I'm honored, Adam." She laughed at that and he joined in a second later. The laughter filled the kitchen before she felt her phone buzz in her pocket.

"Oh shoot, I gotta get going. I have to pick up my friend,"

"No problem, Cece," Adam replied, his smile still lingering. "Thanks for taking care of Paloma tonight. And get home safe, text me when you get home." He wanted to self-palm himself after that one but Cece just smiled warmly at that, making all the anxiety melt away.

"I will, thank you. See you Monday," Cece replied, her warm smile making Adam's heart skip a beat. She waved goodbye before leaving, leaving Adam alone in the kitchen with a new sense of warmth and connection he hadn't felt in a while.

-> make sure to check out my navigation or masterlist if you enjoyed! any interaction is greatly appreciated! <-

thank you for reading all the way through, as always ♡

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warmilksz · 8 months

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Intuitive ✨ Reading

Hello everyone, it's been a while since I've posted. Sorry 😭, life got ahead of me and had no time I hope your all doing well! (⁠っ⁠˘⁠з⁠(⁠˘⁠⌣⁠˘⁠ ⁠)

**just a disclaimer: take what resonates and leave what doesn't for others. Go with the flowwwww It's a general intuition reading (⁠~⁠￣⁠³⁠￣⁠)⁠~**

In any case, I hope you have a bit of fun reading ! 🥰

Center yourself if needed and go with what resonates to you.

For this pile I'm getting this person enjoys spending time with you. I think you both could be good friends or at least familiar/acquaintances with eachother. In general they are pretty calm and chill when they are spending time with you and appreciate how relaxed you make them feel. Like Netflix and chill but you guys actually get to watch the show and chill lol. Hmm... But It seems like they may be hiding some thoughts and/or feelings. You might find them kind of dry at times, like u ask a deep question but they hit you with a "yeah/ok" (uh...Do you find them boring 💀?)but it's not because they don't like your company. It feels like they have something they want to tell you but they are afraid it might hurt your feelings and they don't want to do that to you. For some, you and this person have had some conflicts in the past, and now are on good terms but they are still feeling unsure how to face them with you... On the other hand this person could be developing feelings for you and it's shaking them up. Either way they don't want you to see them shook so they are doing their best to keep the vibe easy and relaxing for you, even if they have to suppress their feelings a bit. Don't worry though, they are working on their feelings and how to express this! And keep in mind your feelings matter as well 💞!

For this pile, your person is really happy when they spend time with you. You may know this person or have spent time with them recently. Deep down inside, they were so happy to see you last time. (i feel like I got a pep in my step rn! ☺️ ) It's funny but I get the image of a fluffy puppy in ur lap, wagging its tail rapidly and you just petting them casually as they snuggle into you 🐶. You light up their darkness, all the bad energy and stress in their lives evaporates when they are with you. It's like you are their angel, and they know how lucky they are to feel this...(Are you or this person religious?) For some, this person has pure romantic feelings or at the very least, loves/cares about you alot. This is a person that enjoys their time with you and is so grateful for it. Even if some of you don't feel as excited as they do, it won't phase them. You guys could plan to spend time together, nothing could go according to plan and they would leave smiling just because they got to be alone with your presence lol. They feel blessed and thankful to be with you.. your body and heart...with you it's pure bliss. this is a extra message but they want more of you.. Im getting the song "One Kiss" from Dua lipa and Calvin Harris. It's ok if u don't know the song. Just know that if they could get "one kiss" from you, they will be satisfied for life lol (this person could go on and on but let me stop 😭 🫣 )

This person doesn't want to say how they feel for some reason but regardless they are strong willed. This person feels strong when they are with you, and they are willing to fight for this feeling between the both of you(yeah! 💪 Lol). I think this person when they are not around you can feel a bit sad, or their thoughts get to them, making it hard for them to deal with alone. You could be the kind of person that cares and gives great advice to people when they are going through things. And this person recognizes this about you. Kinda like a Gardner 🧤 and a flower 🌹. Your personality gives them the water to grow and feel...refreshed! On that note, you could be something of a cheerleader to this person. (Idk what you saying to this person but you are hyping them up 💪😭) yeah you really make this person feel like Hercules 😭. Wow pile 3 . They could be a couch potato, get a pep talk from you then slay a dragon or fly to the moon🤩. Perhaps your words have this effect because they care alot about you and love you. For some, this love is what they were hesitant about admitting. They don't want to appear vulnerable, could be one of the things they struggle with. In any case, they will definitely get better with you around ! Make sure u gas yourself up first pile 3! Y'know what they say- Can't pour from an empty 🫗 cup.❤️

Alright, this person likes your whole asthethic, the way you could talk, walk and dress. In other words, they think your really cute (😋aww ur a fashionista?). For some, they even daydream about you wearing something cute and them getting the chance to see you in it and be in your presence. You are really admirable to this person, they could watch you be yourself all day and they wouldn't say anything(a bit similar to pile 2 so check that out if u feel drawn.) You doing basic tasks like doing laundry seems like great entertainment for them lol. You think you're just being yourself but they see someone breathtaking. Though, a part of this person can't believe they are feeling this way about you. Don't worry, it's not them thinking you aren't mesmerizing. They are just shocked. They never expected to find someone that could captivate them so much in the way you have. Especially since you do things and dress in ways that is normal and routine for you. This person feels like they are being swept up by their feelings for you and you don't even realize it. This sounds confusing but they don't want want to look at you but then they want to watch? (Do you know u got them wanting like this ?😭🫣) it's driving them kinda crazy lol They just cant help but have this kind of wonder and respect for you. For some you recently met this person and others will meet them soon. 🌹

Thank you for reading 🙏😊

#pick a card #pick a pile #pac reading #love reading #tarot #warmilksz #future spouse #anime #anime and manga

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daylightaftertherain · 2 months

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s3 thoughts in no specific order bc I'm trying to not start crying rn

- TYE INTIMACY WE'VE GOTTEN BETQEEN THEM AND THE LITTLE HUGS AND TOUCHES AND KISSES

despite everything that's still happening I'm so grateful for all of that because they've come so far from kissing in a dark hallway and at the very least they got to be a normal couple for little moments

- sara and her arc with her dad and I'm so glad we got more on their relationship but the way it fell apart was so heartbreaking??? and it did feel like it was coming but GOD did I feel for both of them

- erik!! and finally bc we as a fandom have known he was not perfect and he wasn't the best person, but for wille to realize that and because of something he went through as well was just so fucling painful, but I think really really needed, and I think it's one of my favorite arcs jist based off first watch

- felice addressing all the little microaggressions and sifderneces and struggles she goes through was SO important and I'm glad this season finally started talking about how kids outside of the status quo even in hillerska feel, and they did her character much better justice this time around

- august and nils were actually one of the most interesting parts of s3 and I liked how they handled their past with the initiation but also just august's character. he's still flawed as all fuck and a massive asshole but I did empathize w him, and him and boris's convo was rlly necessary to his character

- idk I feel like all of wilmon's conversations and attempts at communication have been very choppy and unfinished, and I'm really really hoping they do get a chance to have a sit down and talk things through, because there still so much they haven't figured out with each other

- omar and edvin's acting was on POINT thus season I genuinely am so emotional over how they portrayed the heartbreak and confusion their characters went through ;;;;;

- linda finally getting some fleshing out and we see a fuller picture of the eriksson's dynamic, and simon finally relying on them more and expressing some of his frustrations with always being the strong one like oh my god

- kristina and wille's final fight was probably one of the most interesting and heartbreaking, but I'm glad it happened and there were many points that wille needed to make. I'm praying they figure themselves out in episode 6 and talk things through. I do feel for kristina though and the parallel between her and wille dealing with how to deal with erik's presence is so heartbreaking

- some discussions about the monarchy and the system! honestly there was no way to develop that plotline fully given it's the last season and they still only have six episodes, but I am grateful for what we got

-for now just waiting for episode 6 (PLEASE let it be longer) and for everything to tie up before my final thoughts

#young royals #young royals season 3 #I cant handle saying goodbye to this show soon im sorry

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baby-yongbok · 5 months

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hi pookie, i have a request if its fine for nd!reader 🥺 (if not then completely ignore this ask)

how do you think skz would act in finding out reader practices scenarios/expressions in the mirror or in private? my masking is hurting my brain and i have to reteach myself how to smile after seeing some of my old pics lol

-girlie

p.s. if you ever make a nd!reader series pls let me know so i can be tagged in every post so i can read each masterpiece

I enjoy getting Neurodivergent!Reader requests cause as someone with autism I'm so damn horrible at writing it. I guess I'm not aware of how I do things but at the same time I'm hyperaware of it all..? Idk, anyway here's what I think:

Chan, Hyunjin, Felix - Would try to help you or would want to understand the process for future reference. - They just want you to feel good and safe with them and they want to understand you and everything you struggle with. If you’re practicing expressions they’ll do it with you. This’ll quickly turn into the two of you making funny faces in the mirror and completely forgetting how this started in the first place. They’ll tell you how you sound to them and what vibe your expression gives off and if you want them to leave you to do it alone you don’t have to ask them twice (Even though they low-key want to stay). Their search history is filled with articles on the topic of scripting now and by the end of the week they will be an expert on the topic. (Or just feel like one)

Seungmin, Minho, Jeongin - Would watch you silently and then tell you that they’ll take care of everything. - If you weren’t so focused on finding the perfect way to introduce yourself to his friends then you would’ve heard them walk into the room but he’s grateful that you didn’t. He had no clue that you did this even though he’s very well aware that you struggle with social interaction sometimes. He’ll leave carefully so that he doesn’t frighten you, maybe he wasn’t supposed to see you doing it and as much as he loves messing with you he doesn’t want to mess with something that might hurt your feelings or have you feeling embarrassed. After seeing you do that he starts doing a mini version of it too in hopes that he can be prepared to come to your rescue if you find a situation to be a bit too challenging. They just want to take care of you and make you feel comfortable.

Jisung, Changbin - Would panic like they just interrupted a presidential meeting and then ask a million questions. - You were so focused on watching your eyebrows and listening to your tone that you didn’t hear the very loud boy come into the room. He thought you were on the phone but when he realizes that you’re not he starts asking questions. The blush on your face gives way to your slight embarrassment but it’s all erased after you tell him what you were doing. The look on his face is priceless. He still has so many questions but now he’s more focused on apologizing for his mere existence, you tell him that it’s no big deal but he doesn’t wanna hear it. You will definitely hear him watching some YouTube videos about scripting later. He doesn’t wanna bombard you with questions but he wants answers. (And he will act like he never walked in on you in the first place)

✨️Masterlist✨️

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madfantasy · 2 months

Text

Dear blogging

Wish you peace, always. Considering all, it been extra rough. My guardians were sick, and my fragile of a stability was about to break— but it okay now, and the pendulum of consciousness returned swaying in my head.

Somehow in the middle of everything, I was starting to feel okay and accept that this is the best it can get for this non verbal Mani. I honestly I stopped living as if there was tomorrow maybe the majority of 2023, zero drive or hopefulness, and lately started to accept that there's no denying that I'm not made to survive this life, and dropped all pretence that I'm able, set a 5 years counter. Because if mere looking at people's faces distress me so much that I blank out &/or go mute, since childhood, no amount of me forcing myself to watch videos/ pictures over and over can fix that. That's simply how I'm made and I know that now, and in a way it's bringing me peace.

Because I thought I'm bratting when I wore my headphones to cancel out noise that were literally going to drive me insane, or when I couldn't respond to messages knowing that I can articulate deeply in writing but ignoring all the endless times when I simply couldn't, and have forced myself to eat many things that set me days in nausea and abdominal pain while I only enjoy liquids more and get high off of fruits, I love them so much half my OCs are named after some.. and drew.. drew even before I spoke because it was my only outlit to express because how much I'm told I'm like a robot, I'm so expressionless and non reactive and disgustingly literal, even when they actively beat me black Nd blue to stop drawing, I couldn't.. where do you free those emotions when U can, i needed emotion displays and heartfelt trimmers, thrilling or killing, I needed to do them as if my life depended on it, and I haven't realised it back then, but my life was dependent on them, even when I had 'no talent ' , as I have always been told.

(commissioned by precious Julia ♥️🖤)

And besides drawing my needs, I actually, physically, started to feel better when I didn't do what my body said it literally can't do, all my life:

-Walked away from my guardians arguments, my chest stabbing pains became less frequent.

Stopped "practicing" my voice &/or facial expressions, I talk for 2 minutes, immediately my whole face muscles hurt, voice is cracking and gone, I don't feel like my eyebrows hurt as much. I'm okay being the monotone no expresso train c:

-stopped eating what I "don't like" (I mean it's not like I have much choice, but stopped feeling guilty over refusing it cuz food be tight) Nd now I can actually drink more water, and my tummy aches are on lower levels now

-i stopped dealing with Discord, or group chats in general cuz I don't expect accommodation over things I can't deal with. Stopped stressing over doing engaging material that no body seems to care about, cuz I'm not a good judge of demand, or stressing over either I should be thanking everyone who spams me with likes or not, (while I appreciate it to the moon) 90% of the time they don't respond Nd Im forced to think like I've done something wrong. I'm now at more ease with posting — (literally I have to fight the urges to delete my socials daily) just with interacting with who addresses me (I lov U guys sm) and I've been more relaxed from it.

I returned to "speaking in riddles" cuz if I don't use the words my brain spews no matter how weird they R, a tire will pop somewhere on the other side of an AU- idk lo'

-i rock, hum and laugh OUT my maniacal laugh, hard and strong, continued loving and talking to my plushies as I used to do, the easiest thing I could do to feel calmer again. As everyone should do

.. I stopped saying the word sorry. It's a naughty Mani era.

Accepting these facts and many, even with having no will to live had me saner than I ever been, at least I hope so.

I just know that I have a few to be grateful of: that I'm still here somehow, even with my dwindling income, Nd my internet not worth costing 120$± I'm always grateful for the sudden one or two commissions that keeps me here and buys me coffee and pumpkins seeds..

I still struggle horrindously with sleep. But I'm grateful at least I'm at pure ease playing games. Games been my go to media for knowing basically all based on books they were made about, like Severus and Tintin, I still play their ps1 games! Tho I got stuck on this game & their sleep has given me so much ease lo

I'm at my happy place rn, heh.

Bonus panel: ye they R hungry for that SHI- lo 🙈

And an honorary appearance of my OC with Tintin hehe

Stay safe, don't feed the overconsumption machine, don't give up on your heartstrings's stringers, don't worry— there are people who think and feel like you always between the crowds, and I'm thankful that I share the same timeline with you♥️🖤

Sweet dreams 🌃 19.2.2024

#text #drawing journey #non binary artist #on the spectrum #personal

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cranetreegang · 1 year

Text

The Boggart - Ominis x FemReader

AN: Hey so I got inspired to write this from... somewhere. I don't remember who wrote it, but please let me know if you do, but the Boggart in that story was the MC and corrupted and was goblin like and MC had razor sharp teeth. it was on AO3 and i think it was an Ominis fic??? idk it was cool and i loved the idea so here we are.

HUGE shout out to @roohuh. You're a legend for looking this over and you're kind of a big deal/the best <3

And dudes ChatGPT is so baller. I just plug in sections of my lil dumb fics and it tells me ideas on how to improve it. it's very epic.

============================

READ PART 1 HERE * READ PART 2 HERE

Summary: Everything comes to a breaking point, and Ominis is left with an impossible decision to make. But, the fear of losing his love is something he cannot risk.

Music to Listen to: Leta's Flashback 🎵 You Lost Your Chance to Be Beautiful (but like only the first 2mins the rest is so mid) 🎵 Corynorhinus

Word Count: ~ 4,600 words

Warnings: angst^3 kajillion

Read my other Ominis Fics Here

---------------------------------

She’s gnawed her bottom lip into a pulp and, as she ascends the lacquered marble stairs, her stomach knots itself into a tighter ball. Even though her ‘outburst’ in Divinations isn’t a topic of discussion anymore amongst her peers, she still hasn’t spoken to Natty, nor to Ominis, about it. She closes her eyes and resists the urge to turn around and go far, far away. She climbs the final step and heads straight into the sunlit classroom.

Natty stands in front of Ominis, speaking with a terse smile and an inquisitive look on her face. Ominis is leaning against one of the desks with an air of ease, and the midday light filters through the tall windows onto him, causing her stride to slow. He reminds her of a polished marble sculpture, flawlessly crafted and utterly divine. But she senses a restlessness under his facade of cool composure.

She lowers her gaze away from him. He’s been upset since her outburst. He tries to keep it buried deep within him, but she knows it’s there. She looks back up to him with a sudden longing. These past few days have been difficult. By keeping this secret from him, she feels a gap beginning to form and wedge itself between them. It’s growing harder and harder to make the leap, and tell him the truth. To tell him everything.

She hesitates for a moment when Natty’s warm eyes land on her, pinning her in place, but ultimately continues toward them.

“Ah, hello, my friend!” Natty greets with a tender smile.

Ominis turns his head towards the Fifth Year with a sweet smile on his lips. The restlessness within shifts to a warm relief. His hand extends out for her to take. She stares at his outstretched hand in a bit of disbelief. The knot in her stomach begins to untangle as soon as her hand grabs his. Despite everything, he still holds her so tightly and warmly. Natty smiles at the both of them, going along with pretending like everything is as it was.

Once again, she’s grateful for their understanding and their patience with her. She squeezes his hand to keep the associated guilt which accompanies those thoughts at bay.

“Hello, you two,” she smiles then glances around the lively classroom with a raised brow. Her classmates are talking with grand gestures while others have grim expressions written upon their faces. There’s a certain spark in the stuffy air and she worries there’s an exam she’s forgotten about today. She chews her lip when she can't find their other friend anywhere.

“Where’s Sebastian?” She wonders.

Ominis’ lips pull into a tight line. His feet shift then his head cranes towards her.

“Oh? You didn’t hear about…,” he pauses, his eyes illuminating with contemplation. “He wasn’t feeling well enough to come to today’s class.”

“Oh. I didn’t realize.” She matches his frown. How careless of a friend she’s been - too wrapped up with herself to notice her ailing friend.

“Such a shame, too. I have been looking forward to today.” Natty’s eager smile lightens her whole face. “It’s Boggarts.”

If Ominis’ hand wasn’t holding her as tightly as it was, she would’ve turned right around and left. She glances at Ominis, understanding now why Sebastian truly isn’t here. His pupil-less, gray eyes nearly find hers and he has a somber expression. She sighs to herself. They’ll have to deal with Sebastian later. Right now, she has a more pressing concern to deal with.

Sensing this, he squeezes her hand with a slight grin,

“Don’t fret. Boggarts can’t hurt you. And you’ve faced things far more terrifying than a measly non-being.”

“Indeed,” Natty giggles with a slight nudge to the Fifth Year’s side.

Beginning to smile, her shoulders loosen and her hold on Ominis relaxes.

“Although,” Ominis drawls with a smirk, “I must admit, I am quite curious as to what scares you, darling. You are practically fearless. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Boggart just turned right back into that dresser at the sight of you.”

He manages to get a full smile out of her, and she shakes her head with a slight laugh,

“I doubt that.”

He brings her hand up to his lips and places a tender kiss on the top of her hand. His smile is warm and she wonders why she was ever dreading coming to class - coming to him.

She tilts her head as she glances between Natty and Ominis,

“Have you faced a Boggart before?”

Natty nods, “Yes. I am hoping that I am more successful this time than the last. Last time, I froze. But, I am feeling far more confident today.”

Natty’s head is high with a beaming grin. The Fifth Year can’t help but begin to match Natty’s enthusiasm.

“And what about you, Ominis?” She wonders.

Ominis purses his lips and his eyes darken.

“I have as well,” he replies quietly. “I don’t believe it forms into anything you can see. But, the sounds it makes are quite… awful.”

He forces a smile, feeling her concern.

He squeezes her hand as he says, “One’s parents would frighten anyone though - what with their nagging and disapproval. Nothing I can’t handle, I assure you.”

She smiles at how strong he is, and not just for her. She leans close to him, and he angles his head towards her in silent questioning. His eyes widen when he feels her lips press softly on his cheek.

“I have no doubt. If I’m fearless, then you are undaunted, my love,” she whispers with a smile, making him blush into a real smile.

Natty snickers at their exchange,

“Ack! Get a room, you two.”

The Fifth Year giggles at Ominis’ blush deepening; so much so, that it spreads all the way to his ears. Ominis tries to shoot her a scathing glare for such a public display, but it falls short at the smile tugging on his lips and the warmth she feels coming from him.

“Alright everyone!” Professor Hecat’s voice gets their attention and the chatter in the room comes to a silence.

“As you may have heard,” Hecat comes down from her office’s perch and stands at the front of the class, “today’s lesson will be over: Boggarts. Now, what spell is used to counter a Boggart?”

Natty and Leander’s hands shoot up immediately. Professor Hecat has a pleased smirk as she calls on Leander.

“Riddikulus!” Leander beams.

“Very good. 10 points to Gryffindor.” Hecat raises her wand up.

The Fifth Year is quick to bring Ominis towards her before Hecat shoves the desks away to the far sides of the room. Ominis smiles at her. The adoring look from him and the squeeze of her hand makes her flustered - which makes the corner of his lips turn up into a proud smirk.

“Everyone, form a single file line. Quickly. Quickly.” Hecat orders as she walks towards the wardrobe at the back of the classroom.

Ominis gives her a parting squeeze of her hand before releasing her. The students are quick to form a clustered, unorganized mass which slowly files into a line. Those at the front, start to shove each other - one student in front of the other until it’s Leander who’s the one stuck to go first.

She tries to stick with Ominis, or Natty, but she’s pushed away from them - with Natty and Ominis going before her. Ominis spares her a reassuring smile before he faces back in front of him.

With the bustle settling, Hecat levitates the dresser over from the corner to be in front of the line. The Boggart slams against the door, rattling the tarnished mirrors and vibrating the wood floor - causing a few gasps from the more nervous students. The Boggart bangs and thrashes, knocking the wardrobe to and fro in a vain effort to escape its confines.

Hecat stands next to the thrashing dresser with a smirk, “Are you ready, Mister Prewett?”

Leander audibly gulps then nods - raising his wand up.

“Now, remember,” Hecat says with a stern look in her eye, “picture clearly in your mind something which amuses you. Laughter is key to defeating a Boggart.”

With the flick of her wand, the wardrobe’s lock clicks then the glass door slowly opens with a creak.

A vicious, growling, giant Chopping Cabbage bursts from the wardrobe - snapping its sharp fangs and snarling at Leander with such ferocity, it makes the whole line flinch back. Once the initial shock wears off, there’s stifled giggles at the overgrown cabbage. Leander glances behind him at everyone’s teasing and his cheeks turn a bright shade of red.

“Concentrate, Mister Prewett!” Hecat reminds him.

Leander snaps back to attention to the cabbage.

“Riddikulus!” Leander shouts.

The nasty vegetable is suddenly wrapped in a bright pink ribbon and shrinks down until it’s roughly palm-sized. The sentient cabbage shakes its head in confusion, but it's all but tamed. A wave of laughter spreads through the line and the tense atmosphere of the room evaporates. Leander chuckles and goes to the back with a triumphant smirk on his face.

“Very good. Next!”

Snakes, spiders, whirlwinds, and werewolves - there’s a whole plethora of fearful things the Boggart transforms to and everyone easily turns them into amusing characters. She finds herself laughing and enjoying the lesson far more than she anticipated - her eagerness growing as she waits for her turn.

As Natty prepares to go next, the Fifth Year cranes her head around to watch her friend.

The Boggart morphs into a tall man dressed in a tan robe with a piercing, cruel gaze. He snarls with disgust towards Natty, making her take a step back. The Fifth Year clenches her fists, sending a silent whisper of encouragement to Natty.

Natty takes a deep breath then raises her wand.

“Riddikulus!”

The man transforms into a black cat - emitting a pitiful meow. Natty nods her head in approval and goes back to join the others.

“Nice job,” she whispers before Natty can pass.

“Good luck,” Natty whispers back with a wide grin.

She turns back to watch just as Ominis steps up next. Her heart skips a beat as she awaits for his to transform. The black cat whirls and twists into a black blob hovering in the air. Then, a horrible cry of pure agony emits from the blob.

“Please. Stop! It hurts! Stop!” The voice cries. “You’re hurting me! Please! Leave me alone!”

She gasps at the voice sounding… like her own. Ominis is frozen for a moment and she fears he won’t be able to cast the spell.

“Riddikulus!” He shouts with a sharp, whip-like motion of his wand.

The blob surges and the cries of pain turn into giggling and laughter. Ominis turns on his heel in a quick motion and is striding to go to the back. His expression is hard and cold. She senses the lingering chill of dread gripping him.

She barely catches his arm before he passes. She searches for words as he awaits her with a neutral expression.

“You did well,” she whispers with a slight frown at how lackluster her response is.

He gives her an amused smile, taking her hand and giving it a squeeze, before he joins Natty in the back with the others. Hearing her own voice crying out in pain… it troubles her and before she knows it, it’s her turn.

She can’t deny her curiosity as to what could scare her. What is her fear? She takes a sure step forward to stand before the Boggart.

“Time to see what our ‘Hero’ is afraid of,” Leander teases to Samantha.

“Must admit, I’ve been waiting for this,” Samantha whispers back.

There’s more whispers about their curiosity, and they take their best educated guesses as to what could scare the ‘Hero of Hogwarts’. Ominis’ fists clench at their excitement. He grimaces, sucking in a deep breath as he hears the Boggart begin to transform.

It whirls and turns until it manifests. Her breath leaves her in a shaky gasp and she can’t move. Looking down at her, is something she only sees in her nightmares. Herself. The reflection floats above her with glowing red eyes - staring right into her. Pure magic surrounds it in a near halo and it’s intoxicating. The magic ripples and electrifies the air, but it’s merely a taste. The copy’s hand extends out towards her - in offering. Its haunting expression is one of certainty - as if it already knows the answer to the silent request. Her mouth parts in both awe and horror. Her mind blanks on what to do.

There’s a heavy stillness in the air as the whole room falls silent. Ominis can barely breathe. The longer it takes for her to cast the spell, the more his heart races.

“What’s happening? What is it?” He whispers in a desperate tone to Natty.

Natty’s mouth parts and closes, “It’s… her. But, it’s wrong. Her eyes… they’re so cold.”

Ominis’ nails dig into his palm and he can feel her rising panic with every second that passes. He longs to go to her, but Professor Hecat beats him to it. With a smooth movement of her wand, Professor Hecat knocks the Boggart back into the wardrobe - locking it with a solid click.

“I-I believe that’s enough for today.” Hecat says, sparing a concerned glance towards the frozen Fifth Year. “Class dismissed.”

Students shuffle around her and she finally breaks from her frozen state. Ominis shoves his way through the clustered students towards her, but she’s out of the room before anyone can stop her. Ominis doesn’t hesitate to go after her, making it all the way to the doorway.

“Mister Gaunt.” Professor Hecat calls.

Ominis wants to ignore the summoning, but he stops his pursuit and angles his head towards the Professor.

“Yes, Professor?” He does a poor job of keeping his annoyance at bay, but he doesn’t care about being polite at the moment.

“A moment, if you wouldn’t mind.” Professor Hecat heads towards her office, not bothering to see if he’ll follow.

Ominis grimaces while the rest of the students file out, all whispering about what they had seen of her Boggart. ‘Strangely beautiful’ is used several times and ‘I don’t know what was so scary about that’ is muttered, which only makes him more concerned for her. He grips his wand tight in his hand as he forces himself to see what Professor Hecat wants.

As soon as he enters her office, she wastes no time - much to his relief.

“I know you and her are close,” Professor Hecat states, leaving no room for questioning nor denying the statement. “Which is why I felt it prudent to warn you.”

Ominis’ brows raise and his eyes burn with curiosity.

“Warn me of what?” Ominis questions. He walks more into the room and Hecat flicks her wand to shut the door.

Hecat sighs, “I’m not sure if she’s told you about the events that transpired beneath Hogwarts. And her involvement.”

Ominis face falls and Hecat nods as if she had already anticipated his response.

“I do hope she does. Being so young,” Hecat sighs with a frown. “However gifted you may be, it does not shield you from witnessing such horrible things.”

“What happened?” Ominis demands then winces at his biting tone. “Please… I would like to know what happened.”

Professor Hecat is silent for several seconds and Ominis can feel his patience beginning to ebb away.

“You will have to ask her for the true explanation, as I only witnessed bits and pieces. And her subsequent return with the absence of Professor Fig. But, I can say - with utmost certainty - she has the look in her eyes of someone frightened. Haunted by the choices they made. I know it all too well that look,” Professor Hecat’s features fall and she adds in a quiet voice, “And the damage it does to someone, if left alone. I hope, as her friend, she will confide in you.”

“But, she hasn’t. S-She refuses to.” His voice wavers and he clamps his mouth shut. Ominis’ brows furrow and his lips press into a tight line. “I’ve been patient. But, it only seems to be pushing her away.”

“Then, you must be more direct and less delicate,” Professor Hecat replies. “Being soft and gentle will do her no good. If she has not opened up to you on her own thus far, then she never will. Which will leave you with the unfortunate task of trying to extract what troubles her yourself.”

Ominis remains silent, his dark brows furrowing together into a harsh scowl. Hecat sighs once more. She goes towards the window, placing her hands behind her back as she stares out to the castle ground.

“I believe Salazar Slytherin was gifted in the arts of Legilimency. An arguably useful and pragmatic gift. And, I would imagine, such a gift would be passed down. Especially to direct, esteemed heirs, such as yourself,” she turns to face Ominis with pursed lips. “Perhaps, an ability like that would prove useful to glean what may be troubling your friend. Before it’s too late.”

“Do you not hear yourself?! Even if I did possess such an ability, I would never enter her mind without her express permission!” Ominis’ scowl deepens with a shake of his head. “You make her sound like she’s in danger.”

“She is. And she may already realize it,” Hecat says as she approaches Ominis. “She wields a power I have never seen before in all my years as an Unspeakable. And I have seen what a mere iota of the power she possesses does to those that are not fit to wield it. It corrupts them. Taints them. Until there’s nothing left, but a wanting, insatiable, hunger for more.”

Professor Hecat says in a low, serious tone, “If she has had a taste of this, then she is in great danger. Not just to herself. But, to everyone. She must not be left idly alone. And we cannot be placid until we deem it fitting to intervene. The time to act is now.”

Ominis’ brows pinch and his nose scrunches as he hisses,

“She is not some power-hungry lunatic, Professor. I’ve been around enough of them to know. She is nothing like that.”

“Not yet,” Hecat whispers. “But, a disease is not always present at the early stages, until it is too late.”

Ominis’ throat tightens and Professor Hecat continues,

“If you wish to help her, then you must find out what happened. If not for her sake, then for all of ours. Before it is too late to help.”

Professor Hecat watches Ominis pale with her steely eyes and she relents.

“You may go. Thank you for your time, Mister Gaunt,” she spares him a final glance and a pitiful smile. “And, good luck.”

He doesn’t hesitate to leave, rushing out of the Astronomy Wing until he’s outside. He fills his lungs with the crisp spring air and he lets himself fall against the bridge’s railing. He grips onto the stone beam, feeling indentions form into the flesh of his palm. Students pass by him with hushed whispers and he feels their eyes upon him as they pass. His intense scowl makes his brows pinch deeply together. He closes his eyes, struggling under the heavy weight of an impossible choice.

Could her Ancient Magic truly be as devastating as the Dark Arts? He doesn’t know. And if he’s to help her, then she must speak to him. He turns his wand to where she is and heads towards her.

Ominis’ steps are heavy, even as he nears her. She’s hidden herself away in the Clocktower, making herself so small, he barely recognizes her. He steps in front of her, shading her from the warmth of the sun, and she turns to look up at him. She shouldn’t be surprised that he’s found her, and she pulls her knees closer to her chest.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she whispers with no bite to her words.

Ominis frowns then extends his hand out to her. She looks at his silent offer then up to his worried face. She lets out a small breath then she takes his hand and he helps her to her feet. He doesn’t say anything as he leads her away.

They walk in silence off the school grounds and into the countryside. They climb up a hill and at the top she lets out a surprised gasp at what she sees.

Below them, are fields of flowers covering the numerous hills. Pinks, oranges, yellows, blues, purples, whites - there’s no end to the plethora of shades and it spreads across the landscape like rolling waves. The colors and scents dance in the breeze and the sun-kissed blooms sway gently under the cloudy sky. The sea of flowers is a stunning tapestry of vibrancy and the embodiment of spring. And the earthy, floral aroma is all the more inviting as she takes a deep breath in.

“I found this place my Second Year,” Ominis says with a warm smile as he looks towards her, giving her hand a soft squeeze. “I’ve been wanting to take you here once spring arrived. It may not be spectacular, but it smells pleasant enough and the breeze is nice.”

He invites her to sit next to him in the plush grass, and she does - with him keeping a tight hold of her hand. She stares at the rolling sea of endless wildflowers, watching butterflies flutter between the blooms. She stretches her hands out towards one of the flowers near her, feeling over its velvety, delicate petals with a soft smile. It’s like a different world on top of this hill. She could stay here forever - holding his hand and admiring flowers.

“You still haven’t told me what happened.”

He says it so quietly, it’s easy to pretend he didn’t say anything at all. So, she does. Choosing to remain quiet and stare at their interlaced hands.

“I wish you would,” he squeezes her hand, forcing her to acknowledge him.

She closes her eyes, feeling the breeze upon her face and the sweet smell of the flowers it brings.

“It was me,” she whispers. “Your Boggart. I… it was me screaming.”

Ominis shifts in place and he furrows his brows.

“Yes.”

She frowns, staring at their joined hands. He lets out a heavy exhale and his brows pinch together at her silent refusal to speak. He feels over the top of her hand, running his finger-tips over her knuckles.

“I fear losing you,” he admits quietly. “And if pain were to come for you at my hands…,”

His features contort into a stiff expression and she shifts to be closer to him. She places her other hand on top of his.

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to cause you such grief,” she whispers.

“You don’t,” he states firmly. His eyes search for hers as he shakes his head. “There are many things in my life which have caused me pain and suffering. But, never you.”

His features fall, “This fear - only means that I truly care about you. And I fear I would be lost without you. You’re important to me. And that frightens me at times - how close you are to me.” He raises his face to look towards hers, “But, I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

She looks into his earnest gaze with a soft gasp.

“I’m not going anywhere, Ominis,” she whispers.

“But, you are,” he hisses. “You’re slipping away from me, piece by piece and I can’t keep pretending you’re fine, when you’re so clearly hurting, my love.”

The anguish and desperation written upon his face is heartbreaking, and she turns from him with a whimper. She’s starting to pull away from him again. He can feel it. The worries of Hecat whisper in his ear and he grimaces.

“Please… just talk to me,” he pleads.

She shuts her eyes with a near sob. She wants to. But, her tongue refuses to budge. Instead, she clamps harder on her inner cheek until all she tastes is blood. Her other hand balls up the fabric of her school robe draped across her thigh. She’s sure if the wind blows a fraction harder, she’d shatter into a million pieces.

Her head lowers as she whimpers, “I-I need more time.”

He shuts his eyes with a grieved sigh. He hates these awful feelings within her. They’re tearing her apart. How long before there’s nothing left?

He angles his face towards the sky, feeling the warmth of the sun on his clammy face. He listens to the breeze as it passes through the grass and he hears the chittering of bugs around them. He takes a deep breath, smelling the floral scent of a hundred different flowers, then he turns to her. He holds her hand tighter. His decision, finalizing in his mind. This… is the only way.

“Can you… show me the flowers?” He asks in a near whisper.

Her brows rise in surprise, but nods with a soft smile.

“Of course,” she says while moving closer to him.

She looks over the field, memorizing the scene before them. She looks back at him and reaches up to cup his cheek - guiding him to look right into her eyes.

He hesitates, the taste of bile coats his tongue, but he glimpses into her mind despite it. He wades through her thoughts until the view of the flowers appears before him. He gasps at the bright, impossibly vibrant, colors. He’s captivated in her memory. It’s beautiful. Far more beautiful than he ever imagined this place to be. And she’s… happy. Peaceful. Even if this horrible, vile fear lingers in the distance like a persistent shadow. He sucks in a sharp breath.

His hand reaches out to her cheek, stroking his fingers gently along her face. He promised to protect her… He presses his lips together into a thin line as he holds her head in place.

“Forgive me,” he whispers as he pushes deeper into her mind with her unable to resist.

He views her memories of the battle with Ranrok. Reliving every detail until she emerges victorious. He presses on, searching for every instance of this fear which has plagued her. He catches glimpses of the nightmare in Divinations and finally the Boggart from today. It’s herself… staring back with a hauntingly beautiful smile and a terrifying offer as it stretches out its hand towards her. Her fear of succumbing to this incredible, dangerous power makes his heart break. She’s been suffering alone with this burden, all because she fears his response.

He parts from her mind with a gasp while she lets out a startled cry. She stares at him in disbelief, his hands still clutching onto her face in a once tender moment.

He… saw. He knows.

Her head snaps away from him, tearing herself from his grasp. She doesn’t want to see his reaction, nor does she want to process the betrayal she feels rising in her gut and gnawing at her heart. She summons her broom and Ominis reaches out towards her.

“Wait!”

His hand grasps the air and he falls forward. He hears the thundering whoosh of her leaving and the air slams into his face. The grass and flowers rustle from a mighty gale and his heart thunders in his ears. He covers his hand over his mouth in horror as a frightening chill settles onto his chest and seeps into his very bones.

What has he done?

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AN: Ah yeah. let's go. we got it all. Natty, Cabbages, Ominis Trauma and Comfort, and then BETRAYAL muahaha

I was wondering if this would be in character for Ominis to peer inside MC's mind, but i think it would be. mainly cause his fear of losing her far out weighs anything else in his mind. like a necessary evil type thing. And also Sebastian not wanting to see his boggart... hehe. AND i may have made Hecat a bit morally gray, but come on. she was with the ministry.

also, Leta's Flashback when she sees that Boggart heavily inspired me. I wanted MC's boggart to be beautiful. But terrifying. Much like power. (so meta. so deep. so wow). But idk just watching young Leta see that boggart and the lil gasp is just *perfect*

anyways, feedback welcomed and hope to have the next part out soon!!!!!! :D :D :D <3

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manicpixiedckgirl · 8 months

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lowkey, one of the hardest parts of transitioning is that i *do* pass a lot of the time. and that's very lonely.

because I pass most of the time, I don't feel like I get to talk about the harder parts of being trans (harassment, discrimination violence, etc.) bc it happens so much less often to me than my sisters. but it still happens - and when it does it's as creepy, as scary and as dangerous as any time some freak decides your existence is a problem.

and i can't talk about my dysphoria - how i think im too big, or weirdly shaped or that my face is too masculine - bc i have girls in my dms calling me their transition goals, and any expression of insecurity or discomfort is met with "well, i WISH i looked like you". and cis women telling me they wish they were as skinny as me when im this way because of a fucking eating disorder!!! and when i bring that up they roll their eyes and tell me that's being a woman, or worse, say they wish they had the "discipline" to also starve themselves.

and i can't talk about the problems i have at work. for the most part my work is very supportive of me, and my coworkers have done their best to 'get it'. in two years I think ive maybe been accidentally misgendered once, and never out of spite or bigotry. but they aren't always good, they have cis ppl blindspots and bigotry, the insurance sucks for trans people, the 'dress code' always seems to have some problem with my outfits, but when it comes up it's just "oh, well you're lucky to work in a 9-5 at all as a trans woman".

and I can't talk about the problems I have with my family either, because I'm free of them, and so many trans people have to constantly deal with unsupportive or actively hostile family environments. but ive been no contact and independent from my family for so long, people forget that i moved across an ocean to get away from them. im lucky to have good people in my life to back me up when things get hard, but I have the most delicate of support structures that could disappear at any time. i don't have any relatives that would help me, even if they could. i don't get to go home for christmas or thanksgiving, i will never taste my mother's cooking again or listen to my uncle's drunkenly sing. ill probably never hug my siblings and cousins again, who are themselves trying to survive being queer in a family that would rather forget them than accept them.

idk. there's a weird middle ground you exist in as a trans woman, both because you are trans and because you are a woman. when you play the part everyone demands of you, you are almost a person - not quite, but nearly. and you are supposed to be grateful for that much. heaven help you if you complain - and no one can, or will, help you if you're not willing to change everything to be who they want you to be.

#personal #vent post

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bluedalahorse · 6 months

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Updates below the cut, as I expressed the story of yesterday in somewhat comedic terms, but I’m sure the subtext was concerning.

So yesterday I went into work under a lot of stress about the various deadlines I have to meet. I also noticed I was developing an ear infection. I get those a lot because I have tiny ear canals and sometimes with congestion from fall allergies the whole ENT system gets fucked up. As such I know what an ear infection feels like, so I figured I’d leave work early, go to the urgent care down the road, get some antibiotics, and go home to rest and meet my writing deadline.

Well, I went to the urgent care and after waiting three hours or so they were like, you have an ear infection but your blood pressure is super high, and we need to send you to the ER to lower it. (I have a family history, and with the amount of stress I’ve been under lately, I imagine genetics decided it was time to kick in.) I was freaking out at that point because I hadn’t had dinner yet, and what they were talking about sounded like… idk, how long was I gonna be in the hospital? Forever? And that shit is expensive even with insurance, so, you know.

So I asked if I could call @coruscantrhapsody to come get me. I knew I needed to go to the ER but also that I didn’t want to go, and that I would try to get out of it because I was scared and tired and yet try to make myself appear competent at all costs. I also knew she could convince me to go. So she came to me at the urgent care right away, and she brought plush Sara and plush August, and we made plans to go to the ER together.

And honestly, she got me through it like a champ. We coped through silly jokes and dark humor, and a little bit of singing of Disney songs. When the nurse took my blood sample (which came back in good shape, thankfully) she said it was totally appropriate for Halloween. Then she got me home before midnight and now is working from home today while I stay home. I’ll probably be taking tomorrow off too. I’m going to walk to the pharmacy soon to pick up the meds they prescribed me and then I’m going to come back home and not deal with logistics until the afternoon at least.

I still have some deadlines to meet, but they’re going to be shifting now and I think I can get some extensions for the stuff I need to get extended on. And I think this is the basis of a conversation with my employer about like. Idk. I woke up today 95% grateful for the people who love and care for me and who helped me out yesterday, and I’m also grateful that I lucked out with doctors and nurses that night because the medical system is honestly terrible, but 5% of me is like Fuck The Grind that got me here. You know? And I can sort of bookmark that idea and come back to it when I’m ready. Which I will do. But first, it is time to rest. I can deal with everything else after I rest. And I got home in time to listen to the old War of the Worlds radio play tonight and enjoy it, and that’s incredibly important to me.

Tl;dr I spent an evening in the emergency room last night, hooked up to machines and holding an August Horn plushie in my lap, but I’m ok now thanks to my best friend’s care and all-around amazingness.

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miggydiaz · 7 days

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You know, from scenes on tumblr, I was prepared to like Tommy in the short term and be excited for bi rep on tv. But now that I’ve seen the episodes, I actually uh… don’t.

Like, I’m still excited for the rep because as someone who rode the allyship to closeted bisexuality to open bisexuality pipeline late in life just like Buck is, I was ready for this storyline to be deeply personal to me.

I just don’t really like Tommy? And not even… this isn’t even about the Buddie of it all. Maybe it’s Lou’s line delivery that makes every line sound condescending to me, but it doesn’t read as Gentle Older Queer’s Fond Exasperation to me. It’s actually kind of grating. Feels snarky in a lot of places where I don’t think it’s intended to feel snarky and it’s putting me off. Maybe it’s just because Lou has a strong valley accent? Idk but it’s not working for me.

Also the chemistry between him and Oliver is off. Like way off. Every scene reeks of “two heterosexual actors trying really hard to sell same sex attraction” to the point where it makes the episodes feel *silly.*

And you know, it’s actually not even just Oliver and Lou. It’s like everyone connected to this particular storyline the last two episodes has forgotten how to line read like the good actors I know they are. Ryan and Jen included (although I think Jen’s been the most believable so shoutout to her).

Weirdly high voices, incorrect pacing like they’re rushing through their lines, exaggerated expressions and inflections... Although Ryan is also struggling with this Marisol storyline, but that’s probably because the storyline is fucking stupid lmao. Not the religious trauma arc, that’s got potential, that could be good. It’s just the tone of it right now that’s stupid.

Actually, going back to my earlier point about how things feel *silly* maybe that’s my real issue with this season. Or these last two episodes anyway. You have this incredibly important storyline of Buck’s coming out, and it’s been relegated to the comedy portion of the episodes.

Hen and Karen and Mara? Serious in tone. Feels important. Athena and Harry? Serious in tone. Feels important. Buck’s jealousy and his date? Played for goofy laughs. His coming out to Maddie? Sweet but also kind of played for laughs with the whole “I’ll check out a hot guys ass/it’s not abnormal 👀”.

And I’m not saying it has to be this totally serious, really heavy storyline. It’s just that… they swung in the totally opposite direction. Instead, everyone feels over exaggerated, like they’re trying too hard to treat it with care but also like It’s NOT A Big Deal.

I dunno. Maybe after the Madney wedding, and especially if Lou sticks around, they can correct some of this. Maybe as the actors settle into the storyline, it’ll get better. But I’m just bummed right now because I was really excited for this after seeing all of the hoopla on tumblr (I was still catching up when these episodes aired), and it just hasn’t delivered for me.

#911 abc #911 on abc #evan buckley #anti tommy kinard #even though I don’t want to be anti Tommy I kind of am right now #and I can’t tell if that’s because of direction or because of Lou or what

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alastairstom · 11 months

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Never Have I Ever ... Felt So Weird After a Show Ended

Well, the title kind of says it all. I've definitely had a deeply odd, greatly complex relationship with this show, but it has defined a chunk of my life in a way that few pieces of media ever have.

Ben Gross specifically will always hold a special place in my heart as a character who taught me a lot about myself. I'll eternally be grateful to have gotten to know him over these few years.

All in all, my season ranking is 3 > 4 (though it's close) >>>>>>> 1 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>2.

Season 4 initial episode ranking is 10 > 8 > 5 > 9 > 6 > 4 > 3 > 2 > 1 > 7.

That being out of the way, here's my ep-by-ep breakdown of some of my main thoughts on season 4.

The spoilers I saw for 4x1 and 4x2 made this whole situation seem way worse and more serious than it actually was. I can't blame either Devi or Ben for any of it, sorry. It was just a Miscommunications Overload. And quite honestly it was pretty fucking hilarious. None of it was serious at all.

What exactly was the point of Ethan? I just didn't get it. Unlike Des, he didn't really do anything for Devi's personal growth or storyline, either. Not a big deal, and I'm not salty, but I don't understand.

One of my favourite moments came in 4x4, when Ben got to have a little panic attack. Jaren did a really wonderful job of portraying it - as someone who experiences panic attacks, this felt authentic and realistic. His rapid movements were on point, and I also really enjoyed all of the facial expressions that truly captured his feelings. As always, Jaren's eye acting was on point.

When I first saw the interview, I thought that Ben saying "I don't trust my natural personality" would be some big emotional moment on his journey. In reality, it was a quick, random one-liner spoken to a stranger. This made it even more powerful to me. It's sad; it's something that he just takes as a fact of life. It's not even considered. Idk, man, I was so moved by it.

Ah, 4x5! My Benvi comfort food! I really loved their heart-to-heart at the end. I felt like it was really equal in who helped the other as well. Ben gave Devi a much-needed pep talk, but she also gave him one back! I felt so warm inside afterward.

Nalini and Andres had a really cute little plotline. I'm so glad that we got to see them together. The actors had amazing chemistry and IDK Nalini just really deserved someone to be there for her.

Ah, Margot. Margot, Margot, Margot. God. I do not like her. I was so proud of Ben for standing up to her. She should not have said what she did, and Ben deserves someone like Devi who understands him! Who loves him for who he is! I was already pretty fond of Benvi in 4x5 after their heart-to-heart, but @rainparadefromhell will be happy to know that 4x6 is the episode that made me hop onto the speeding Benvi train toward endgame.

Devi was actually her best self this season. She was hot-headed, sure, but she was also warm and invigorating. She and Ben both brought out the best in each other, which is something I didn't feel in previous seasons. I loved how she didn't lose her spark or her spunk but... mellowed out a little? Coming of age journeys work wonders!

Patty making Ben a special Columbia acceptance dinner warms my heart. I'm sad that we didn't get to see her (or Howard) this season, but it's okay. I'm probably going to write a fic where Ben and Devi have dinner with Patty (as he intended to do and failed with M*rgot, who is dead to me).

4x7 made me want to stab myself in the eye. It did nothing for me and Gigi was just as cringe as she was in season 2. I like Paxton but idk this episode felt really random. Though I WILL say that I understand its objective necessity to close the door on D*xton (thank God) and to wrap up Paxton's storyline in a semi-satisfying way.

Paxton's story this season did squick me out a lot, if I'm honest. I'm very sensitive to teachers/school faculty with poor boundaries, and it kind of weirded me out. I especially hated the D*xton kiss. I get that it was closure, but his being a teacher made it weird.

2x8 was, however, probably my next-to-fave episode of the season besides the finale. I love the juxtaposition between this episode and 2x9, where Devi did all in her power to stop her mom from dating again. It was really cute to see a full-circle moment here where she attempted to set aside petty squabbles and support her mom here. I loved this display of growth from Devi and wanted to give her a big warm hug.

Devi and her mom's relationship really tugs at my heartstrings in general. I've always thought it was kind of sweet, to be honest, and I like the way that Devi was so realistically supportive of her this time around. She just wants Nalini's happiness.

ANYWAY, the real reason I loved 4x8 so much is, of course, Ben and Trent getting stoned. I've always been the #1 advocate of them being BFF and their getting high together was my PIPE DREAM. I wrote a fic about it once. It was amazing to see it in canon.

Ben seeing an eye-cake blink and then eating a shit ton of Popeyes was amazing. Realistic stoner representation right there. "What's wrong with that apple" is going to live rent-free in my mind for the rest of my life.

But also I thought his gesture of going over with flowers and stuff was super sweet. I'm kind of sad that it didn't work out LOL. But it was funny.

Also, Jaren, have you ever been high? Because your movements and expressions were really on point for stonerhood. If yes, hats off. If no, an even bigger hats off.

Devi's prom dress is BEAUTIFUL like for fucking real. Its cut is really flattering and it brings out the warmth in her skin tone. Also love her earrings and hairstyle. Seriously, Maitreyi, if you ever read this, you're beautiful.

4x9 brings us what's probably one of my favourite scenes in NHIE:

I really loved and adored the safety and intimacy here. Devi just fell asleep while Ben was talking to her? Ben felt safe enough, wanted to stay with her enough, that he fell asleep with her, too? Beautiful moment, and very well-acted by both Jaren and Maitreyi.

SERIOUSLY, Jaren and Maitreyi have off-the-charts chemistry.

Like WOW.

Anyway, other 4x9 thought: I found Devi lying about getting into all her colleges extremely relatable. We all live with this gripping fear of failure, and I think Devi (and Ben) contend(s) with it more than her peers. It felt extremely realistic, especially when Nalini told her how proud she was. Idk. I liked it. I also liked the heart-to-heart she and Nalini had about it later.

Maitreyi also did an excellent job during Devi's last scene with Dr. Ryan. This was a standout moment for her acting.

AND now we have 4x10. This is probably my next-to-favourite NHIE episode overall after Ben's 3x6 solo episode. (No offense to 4x10 at all, but the scene with Howard in 3x6 was so poignant that I have to continue ranking it in the #1 slot).

Ben and Devi at graduation were adorable. I wish we got to see Devi's valedictorian speech. I also wish we got to see Howard at the graduation - that's probably my main gripe in the season, though I'm okay with it. I'm sure he was there off-screen.

Also, good on my guy Trent for finally graduating, lol.

I teared up quite a bit when Devi sent Ben the Equitorial Guinea plaque and they had their text exchange. That was such a good little callback to a moment that they both remember fondly. I maintain that's probably where Devi began having feelings for Ben and where Ben consciously realised that he had feelings for Devi. So I think it was really sweet for them to go back to that moment and kind of rehash the "we make a good team" feelings there.

Loved seeing Devi doing the traditional Indian dance! Such a good contrast with her embarrassment in seeing others do it in season 1. Good on you for embracing your culture, girl!

Ben's slowmo enterance into the wedding and the subsequent love confession was beautiful. Jaren really sold the nervousness and the desperate joy with his eye acting alone, and the rest of his expression and body language here? Ugh. I could write odes. And Maitreyi did a beautiful job, too. This was definitely a wonderful scene of emotional payoff.

Ben and Devi riding away on a voi was a great parallel to Nalini and Mohan on their motorcycle in the past. It was so sweet.

And then there's love, golden, like daylight.

I love the last shot of Ben and Devi watching something on her bed at Princeton. It made me so happy to see them both achieve their dreams like this, especially Ben. And his body language was so... comfortable. There was no tension in him, when he was laying there with Devi.

One final random thought: ...FOR NOW? Are we looking at a possible college spinoff?

Thank you to Jaren, Maitreyi, and the rest of the NHIE cast and crew for making this show happen. <3

#nhie #nhie spoilers #never have i ever #never have i ever spoilers #ben gross #devi vishwakumar #benvi #jaren lewison #maitreyi ramakrishnan

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yooniesim · 5 months

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tw: death mention, cancer mention, oversharing, long-winded self-reflection, far too many paragraphs

The strides I have made with my temper in the past year... real talk... I'm proud. It's been hard to manage myself and keep from popping off but I've been making a lot of progress removing myself from situations that get me heated, irl or online, and I'm happy about that. It doesn't remove my feelings or the damage I've caused with my anger in the past but I feel like I'm making real progress. Even though my depression and overall mental health varies, I feel like temper wise I'm in a lot better place than I was a year ago. I've been staying away from people irl that fed into my anger by being neglectful or abusive to me, and tried my best to work on my own actions at the same time.

I'm also proud of where I'm at with my blog comparatively. I've been working hard to focus on the good things and what makes me and others happy, rather than falling into a pit of negativity. I feel like I can still express myself from time to time, while also being better able to know what is appropriate to say and when. Idk if this is just especially ND of me but I feel as if I had the belief that as long as I felt whatever I was saying was the truth, it was appropriate, and that the negativity wouldn't get to me if I stayed by that metric always. But that isn't always the case, and i'm getting better at evaluating that. At realizing that, even with good intentions, getting wrapped up in all the issues of the world and all the negative discussions can be almost a form of self-harm.

Not many people know about this, but the trauma i experienced during the pandemic really affected me and changed me a lot. If you're a long time follower comparing how I was pre-2020 and after, it probably feels like I changed completely as a person, because I did. I don't speak about it a lot, especially now that it feels like the entire world has... moved on, but. Being a healthcare worker then felt like seeing your own slice of hell. Seeing that much death firsthand and being so afraid every single day, being confronted with your own mortality and that of your loved ones, it's extremely difficult. Especially since I lost a very close relative to a drawn out battle with cancer, who I was a caregiver to, as well. Between that and finally being medicated for the first time in my life, i became numb, and at the same time, I became angry. Angry at every little injustice that crossed my path. I wanted to fix something, anything- even in a silly little community for a silly little sims game. I thought, maybe, shining a light on things I saw that were wrong- scamming, doxxing, bigotry- might help. I broke myself apart trying to do that. And... for what, really? I accomplished nothing. And to this day still deal with people that boil me down to just... a hater, I guess. Too annoying for their personal tastes. As if that alone justifies some of the truly vile things that have been said and done to me, publicly and privately. That continue over a year after the fact. Even now it's difficult to think about sometimes.

I've made many mistakes here. Being an inexperienced and flat out incompetent server owner, to start. But with that, too, I've made progress. I'm so grateful for the mod team I have in Sutopia now. For the loving community that's risen from the ashes of what was once an overly negative space. For me getting a handle on my own love of petty gossip, a fatal flaw. For me learning how to ban instigating and toxic parties instead of naively giving them the benefit of the doubt. I still struggle- because as much as people might think I'm harsh, seeing as I try to put up that front as much as possible, I'm actually far too forgiving to the point of stupidity at times. I've been paralyzed by indecision in the past, not wanting to hurt anyone by mistake with the wrong call, and wound up hurting everyone involved with my inaction instead. But I know now that I have a more experienced team beside me that helps so much with these decisions and ensuring a safe place for everyone. And that's taken a weight off of me for sure.

Occasionally, still, the anger gets to me. I see someone that I know for a fact has scammed someone, or hurt someone, or flat out lied, or harassed me in anons or said something racist about me in private that they have no idea I know about- and they're just continuing on, getting love and adoration over their sims or cc or something, and it gets to me. I want to post, I want to blast everything on here and say, look! They're not what you think! Look what they did! Look who they really are! But then I breathe, and I think. Would it really help? Would it really do anything? Would I be opening myself up to be attacked and hurt for nothing? And I come to the humbling conclusion that it's not worth it. Not worth it for them to come back in a month with a new name and all their friends welcome them back like nothing happened and so simblr continues on as it always has. And I'm just a "hater" that's probably jealous of how many friends they have or how much money they make whatever other egotistical explanation they'd spout after everyone inevitably forgot what really happened. Occasionally, it makes me feel a little sick.

But, I breathe through it. I'm getting better at that. Sometimes I write something long out in the drafts- like I'm doing now- and delete it right away instead of posting it. It helps. Even though sometimes I feel guilty. I think about the anons I used to get, the people saying they were too scared to call out certain creators for certain actions because of how big they were and how much hate their followers would send, I think about the asks I still have in my inbox of screenshots and proof. About how sometimes people would thank me for saying things they couldn't bring themselves to. That I was the only person doing it. The only person who wasn't afraid. Even though I was only "unafraid" because I could barely feel anything at the time. And I don't even have that "advantage" anymore. But it weighs on me thinking that I should be trying to help them still. But how can I help anybody? I'm biased, too. I make mistakes. I've made so many mistakes. What gives me the right to say anything? Being put on that pedestal and having that responsibility on my shoulders- stupid as it was from the bigger perspective of life- hurt me, too. Because no one has the right takes every time, and having the wrong one on occasion doesn't automatically make you a terrible person. But it's extremely difficult for people on the internet to understand that. Sometimes I feel used when I remember those times. Chewed up and spat out, once the flavor wore off. And violated, not by the anons or anyone that disliked me, but by people I thought were friends. That's always the worst part to think about.

.....Until I decide it's time to leave, anyway. Then you're all going down.

It's better not to expose myself, or others, to that again. Is that growth? I don't know. I still struggle with so many emotions. The anger, and the guilt. Regret and sadness. But then, I've also felt so much joy from here, too. When I talk to people in the server, when I help people here with their cc projects/requests, when I read people's stories, when I talk to nice anons. I still love talking to anons so much, and want to have in-depth, rambling discussions with them again! I love to laugh with my mutuals and share our silly little sims together. And, god, sometimes I feel relief. Like, there's nothing for me to prove, no one for me to impress. I can do whatever I want and not worry, because well- so what if I get blocked? Or talked about? Like what else is new lol. I don't need to focus on the community. I just need to focus on me, my posts, my mutuals I already know are kind people. It's a freeing feeling. And it makes continuing to express myself here worth it. I want to concentrate on that. The positivity, the love. The creativity. The people here that warm my heart with their kindness. So I think, as we continue into December and into the New Year, and every year I'm here beyond that, that's what I'll do. Continue to grow, and share the love.

#ceci speaks #nonsims #text #negative #kinda?#ceci speaks a lot more #rambling at night bc depression #kinda positive at the same time tho!#simblr's boogeyman has a heart #yoonie steals christmas #gif warning #get ur screenshot tools out folks its that time again #📸#ceci needs to go back to therapy #yeah yeah im workin on it

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