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#and i only get to play my weird kickstarter games at home!

hungrydolphin91 · 2 years

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Guess who randomly told me they wanted to play Xillia 2?? Yep, it's my lovely 30 year old overworked and stressed sister, who said she didn't want to start a long game just a week ago. Caught me by surprise but onto the next title, hurrah!!!!

An account of our let's play beginning below the cut:

I gave her a bit of a warning of how this game is a departure from the first game (and series in general) so she had some slight spoilers going in. She also saw me play it a bit my first time, remembering Elle and Nova's annoying voices in particular

I asked her why she wanted to play the sequel. Her: "I want to see more of the jazz land." She was disappointed you rush through Elympios, and X2 does at least add a little to it.

Got to laugh at her a little when the game opened immediately on a fight. Her: "Who am I fighting, my shadow self??"

Already her hearing issues are causing problems. "What'd he say his name is, 'Liquor'?"

She hates his name, "Ludger." It would be a fine for an actual person but for a character it's silly, you could have picked a better name.

Her: "I'm gonna call him 'Clout.'" Me: " ....... like 'posting-on-the-internet-for-clout' Clout?" Her: "Yeah, he's an influencer, look at his hair! He has an ombre!"

I told her it's dyed, and that I couldn't remember whether the black or the white was the dyed part. It's a little spoilery to talk about yet, but she noticed how Nova and Rideaux have it too. Her: "It must be the fashion." Me: "Cause he's an influencer."

Also heard Ludger saying "Okay!" as "Croquet!" Me: "Why would he be saying that after a battle??" Her: "I don't know, he's weird, he makes tomato cupcakes!!" Me: "Touche."

Her: "Whoah, Elle's dad turned into a monster?? Are we going to fight him someday?" Me: [silence]

We were talking during the bit after failing the test. Her: "Bro, stop humming." Me: "That's plot-relevant humming [it really is]. But we should probably pay attention to the TV that's giving exposition."

She loves the cat already. Who doesn't, Rollo is the best 😸

Seeing that we are in Trigleph she immediately tried to visit Balan. Me: "Why would we even go there, he doesn't know us." Her: "He's going to kickstart our adventure, I just know it."

You can actually go into his apartment which I didn't know, but no one is home. Her: "Does he know he left his house unlocked??"

After running into Jude, she immediately picked the non-affinity building choice. Me: "None of your friends are going to like you if you always pick the mean choice." Her: "I have decided to be mean. I am Aloof-ger."

Also decided she doesn't care about her friends, just Julius. Me: "There's actually an ending like that." Her: "Oh, a bad ending?" Me: "And then you rule the world together. Just kidding." Her: "Aww..." [this was me being an idiot and lying to cover my tracks. It's too early for spoilers]

She immediately hated Elle, as I knew she would. I just can't get myself to like Elle much either, so I am also dog piling the Elle-hate train. Sorry Elle lovers :(

Calling Bisley and his squad "the new Chimeriad." They are at least the new villains, but not as memorable to me as the Chimeriad. Calling Nova's sister (I forget her name) the new Presa just for having glasses and being serious.

Her: "His name is 'Bisley'? Seriously?" Me: "He's the bee's lees."

Devastated to learn the shops don't expand in this game. Me: "They don't in any game except Xillia to my knowledge." Her: :(

"Did we just go back in time?" Given how the power comes from a pocketwatch that's a very logical conclusion to make, I thought the same thing.

Her: "Everything's weird here. There's like a sepia filter. He really is an influencer."

Learned Julius and Ludger are only half brothers. Upon seeing Julius's fractured form, asked "Was the other half demon??"

But Ludger has a weird form too. Maybe he's quarter demon.

I forgot how easy that Julius fight is, compared to the later ones. Also, he drops tomato omelette. He should have dropped mabo curry, since that's what Ludger offered to make for breakfast [though of course this is a fractured dimension]

Upon seeing Rideaux in the bar: "Who is this clown? He looks like the Joker." Believes he might also be a vampire, as he has orange eyes and weird hair

You can apparently go behind the bar counter and just start taking alcohol. Me: "Let's get Rideaux drunk so he forgets about our debt."

Characters are talking about Canaan and Kresnik. Her: "Is he the Lance of Kresnik? Should I start calling him Lance?" Me: "Please don't, that's such a dude bro name."

Getting annoyed at Nova for too for calling to collect the debt money. Her: "Just try to collect my money, I have two swords!" Me: "One for each annoying girl." [I despise Nova too.]

It is satisfying to cut her off. Imagining hanging up by snapping shut the flip phone.

She wants to pay her debts back one gald at a time. Me: "Oh no this is like the shop expansion all over again."

I forgot the debt also keeps you from traveling. It's pretty fucked up actually, especially since Ludger literally can't go home now.

So we're back in the field with the sexy sax music. Alvin is playing it here with us in spirit 😔.

We left off by finishing the first chunk of our loan. Next time we'll board a train home and see what happens, maybe more party members?? 👀

Masterpost link for X2 and Xillia 1 here.

#tales of xillia 2 #ive also been telling her some of the trivia v's been unearthing about x2 #im not writing it every time here but you can assume every time elle is on screen my sister is wishing terrible events to befall her #it's nice to be revisiting this game i do miss it #i have some issues with it but its quite fun to play #dolphin plays x2

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pqrachel · 6 months

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Games I Played in November

I never really plan these out but I always like talking about what I've been playing.

So I already talked about Trackmania, but I really hope to stay top 100 in my state for this season. I've got 18/25 author medals and that's better than I've ever done, but there's still time to maybe get a couple more. (I'm super close on some of them.)

Marvel Snap's been fun too, I've been playing a bit more casually. Like not buying anything with actual money, skipping dailys if I don't feel like playing, stuff like that. And I don't care what anyone says Martyr's so fucking fun and cool. I haven't hit infinite yet, been stuck in high rank 80s playing all sort of different decks. But that's okay it's been fun and that's the whole point of gaming.

As far as new games I finally bought Arkham Knight. That was amazing to play at my own pace instead of having to wait to play it whenever I visited my uncle's house as a teen. I got through basically everything, I'm tracking down the last few Riddler trophies on my own. I probably won't bother with NG+ but there are a lot of post-game stories I want to play which I never got to. I've also been watching a bunch of Arkham series lore vids on YT and that's really put me back in the headspace of playing the Arkham series like I did originally.

Handshakes was a fun free indie speed-game. I got top 100 on the steam leaderboards and that was fun.

Chillquarium is great, the demo was fun and cute but somewhere along the way it turned into a card pack opening simulator but in the best possible way. Like if you've ever wanted to open 1000 pokémon booster packs for no reason other to hunt for a super rare or something that's a super fun game to emulate that feeling.

And also Colostle. Obviously I've been posting my journals for that game on here for two years now so y'all know I love it! But it's been great playing it more frequently again I've got basically two chapters finished in one month, which I haven't done in a while. Really trying to get to the Tundrooms and Kyodaina content. The Colostle Patreon's already getting even more content in the Dungeons and maybe more (I've been off it since I'm not utilizing the new content immediately and I'm gonna buy the books when they come out anyways) and I feel like for as much I like the game I haven't experienced all it has too offer which is weird for me as someone who normally goes for completion, or achievement hunting, etc.

---

Daryl Takes Games on YouTube made a video about tackling his backlog and at one point he talks about the importance of writing about games as you finish them to preserve them as a memory for later and that hits home with what I'm doing here with these monthly summaries. That video was beautiful to me as a longtime gamer. I'm gonna take this time to also add games I plan to play in the future. Even if I don't get to them next month, I want to think about games and see how that changes between months.

So yeah, very recent addition to the backlog is Signalis. I've been seeing amazing fanart and it even featured in that video, so once that next goes on sale I'm gonna pick it up.

Rivals 2 looks amazing and I've backed the kickstarter so I hope I get to experience that in some manner once it comes out. Fighting games have dwindled from genres I play since I don't have as active of gamer friends and grinding with someone is the best part, but maybe with rollback and the good online it promises I'll still enjoy that on my own or maybe even find some new gamers to play with.

That video mentioned Sayonara Wild Hearts with a comment that seemed like the ultimate praise: "Every part was my favorite part." Since it's only an hour long I'm just gonna watch a playthrough, but that's totally valid. My fondest memories with Undertale was watching Dodger Leigh (PressHeartToContinue)'s full playthrough of that game, way more than my own playthrough. Even though the grind of beating Sans myself was worth it. Perhaps after watching Sayonara Wild Hearts I'll pick it up but I'm not gonna pressure myself to do that if I don't want to.

Some other games I tried recently but refunded include Dave the Diver (it looks good and was fun but ultimately didn't seem worth it to play the whole thing), Oxenfree 2 (I played the first and love it but this one just didn't hook me and there's no shame in giving a game), Shadows of Doubt (a couple months ago I tried it since it looked like I'd enjoy it after watch GMTK's vid on detective games but ultimately it was too involved and seemed like a chore to play, when I was looking for something else, the figure it out, red string on a cork board yes, the rest of the gameplay no not really), and Word Factori (I think I was just looking for a fun optimization game like Opus Magnum but Word Factori just fell short). In future ones of these I'll make sure to mentioned games I tried as well as played because those can be important when looking back on as well.

And finally, holy crap this post is long, good thing this blog is for me and I'm not trying to impress anyone with my thoughts on these games.

#justsometext #games i played

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spectrestardust · 1 year

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Hello, #21, 23, 27 and 41 for the weird ask game

21. something you’ve kept since childhood? two things: a small children’s keyboard that kickstarted my love for music, and a football ball i used to play with my dog.

23. how do you feel about chilly weather? love a good sunny winter day. cold and rainy, only if i’m cosy at home.

27. about how many hours of sleep did you get? 6 hours

41. how do you take your coffee? no matter what it is: black coffee, expresso, oat milk latte, i always take it with no sugar.

#thank you for the ask!#<3 #pfirsichspritzer #ask game

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themonotonysyndrome · 3 years

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REDACTED verse - Sadism & Trolling (Vega Headcanons)

NGL, I’m gonna be straight with y’all...

I miss Vega! And uh, since I've been listening to his videos lately, I wanted to write a oneshot for him until I decided on some headcanons at the last minute.

I'm not sure what role the Inchoate Daemon Listener in his more recent videos would play in the future, so I tried my hands on writing his 'lover'. I always wanted to write a morally dubious Listener anyway!

So this is entirely separate from the Inchoate Daemon Listener.

Vega calls his Listener 'Hamster' for their snacking habits. He would only calls you 'Dear heart' when he's feeling vulnerable or in intimate situations.

He meets them before Ivan's story. He was actually walking around humans for a change of pace, feeding on the faint lingering negative emotions hovering around the park. It's the human equivalent of getting a cup of coffee in the morning to kickstart their day.

Suddenly, Vega felt intense and strange emotions coming from somewhere in the area. It's a combination of righteous fury, hurt and glee.

He tracks the owner of the maelstrom to find you. A lone human sitting on a bench underneath a tall, shady tree. Your expression is a total contrast to what you're feeling. It's calm and almost bored.

After using magic to do some digging and breaching personal privacy, Vega found out that you plan an act of horrible revenge on a cheating partner. He sticks around to watch it all play out.

He loved the show. So much so he claims you as his charge.

However, jokes on him; you're a passive and lazy person. Your default setting is living life operating on the least amount of brain cells and effort. So after feeding on your heartbreak from the breakup, Vega has no idea what the fuck to do with you.

So he subtly pulls the strings around you in hopes to get you to feel upset or at least annoyed; coffee spilt on your work laptop, someone bought that last slice of your favourite cake, bad internet connection at home, anything!

But the most you'd (unknowingly) give him is a sigh before you look for something else to occupy your time. To Vega, he feels like a first-time owner to a pet that isn't behaving as it should be. You're like a hamster running in its ball, utterly oblivious of the world outside.

When you do react emotionally, it's like a wildfire - a roaring and unapologetic blaze that will burn for days. Especially when it comes to negative emotions. However, it takes such a long time to build up and rarely does it even spark. Honestly, to you, working up to such a passionate response is a hassle.

Unfortunately for Vega, he realises this a little too late.

The two of you officially meet when you begin to notice that certain objects around the house aren't exactly where they should be. Like how the coffee cup that you instinctively put away from the laptop is now right next to it when you came out of the bathroom. How you can never find your favourite red mug or t-shirt despite you just wash them.

Slowly but surely, you feel like you suddenly gain an invisible annoying and unwanted roommate.

Vega detects your annoyance and plans to 'farm' it, only for it to hilariously backfire when you begin to hit up the local priests to discuss about an exorcism and thus, raise a potential covert risk.

When he first appeared in front of you, your immediate action was to grab a baseball bat, shock and indignation flare within you.

"So you're the fucking bastard that has been eating my fucking Pringles!"

"What!? No! And I swear to any God you believe in, I’ll make you regret it if you swing that thing at me."

“Hah! Is that a challenge!? Buy back my snacks. Now. Before I break your bones and sell them to the black market!”

"News flash, Hamster: you're the one who's been eating all of them. Those after midnight snacks? What? Did you think you were sleep-eating?"

"Who are you calling hamster!?"

"Of course, that's the one you have a problem with..."

Do you know that one Tv Trope? The 'savvy guy, energetic girl' and 'monster and the maiden'? You and Vega are something in-between, where Vega is determined to feed on you, his charge, while you make it your life mission to be his biggest inconvenience ever.

That being said, there's a lot of things you share in common with him. For one thing, you live by the 'not my circus, not my monkey' rule, so you don't particularly care what Vega does outside of your life as long as it doesn't cause you any problems.

You both can be petty AF, and if one is petty, the other will automatically prepare for the other's revenge.

Vega likes to give you shit for being an Unempowered Human, and in return, you would do everything in your power to piss him off. EX: You’ll make a joke about his shoe size. You know what they say, small shoes mean small... package. And besides, he's a Daemon, right? Doesn't that mean he has hooves?

Both of you toed the line between violence and resignation, which is impressive that you're still alive. You made it clear to him that if he wants to take you down, you'll take him down with you, and Vega can respect that.

Vega starts to catch feelings for you after you blackmail him into going to the cinema with you because there's a discount on the tickets for a pair of friends/couple. He's shocked to find that he enjoyed himself that night.

As for you, you start to feel fond of him when he orchestrated a string of misfortune on your asshole of a colleague. He never once admit it, but at that point, you could read his body language and behaviours rather well. How could you not when your colleague’s series of unfortunate events result in a whole week of nothing but good vibes for you.

Neither you nor Vega confesses your feelings, but you ended up in a romantic relationship nonetheless.

Vega has never fallen in love before, so this emotion is very strange and new for him. From his annoying charge, you've become his most cherished person in the world.

Vega protects you the only way he knows how. By making the people who upset you miserable or just straight up terminate their trial period of existence. As a Sadism Daemon, Vega is very well aware of the stigma that comes with his kind, and it really doesn't help that he loves what he does, so you have to rein him in from time to time.

On that note, expect this Daemon to be possessive as hell. No matter what you do around the house, Vega would attach himself to you. Oh, you're working on the couch with the laptop on your lap? He'll move you so you'll sit on his lap while he watches TV. You're relaxing in the bathtub? Scoot forward, he wants to sit behind you. If you're talking to a friend on the phone, he'll peppered kisses and leave hickies on your neck in an attempt for you to end the call. If he could, he would hide you from the world itself so only he could have you. So please stomp on his feet when he starts to sweetly suggest you disappear with him.

If it's raining at night, both of you would silently lie on the bed together, just basking in one the other's presence. If you fall asleep first, Vega will turn you into his little spoon.

In terms of dating and due to his possessive and protective nature, most of your dates would be in your home. Movie marathons, him playing as your audience for your video game matches, monopoly sessions ending up in a messy divorce sitcom or just napping together. Good for you if you're a homebody. If you're the outgoing type? Good luck; you'll need to be as persuasive as him to budge Vega. The most Vega is willing to go are breakfast/lunch/dinner dates. The fewer eyes on you, the better.

It's not long before Vega stops feeding on you entirely. He only takes a few destructive emotions that overwhelm you and help you work the rest out in a healthy manner.

That's when he starts to think about spending his forever with you.

Don't be mistaken, though; Vega is still a sadism Daemon that doesn’t take kindly to those getting in his way but to you? His one happiness in life? He's your loyal lover.

OK. I might have gone a bit crazy with Vega but in my defence, I had like 3 mugs of tea and a tub of Belgian chocolate ice-cream and ramen last night after midnight plus a weird longing for him.

It’s weird.

#redacted ASMR #headcanons #vega #gender neutral s/o #this turn crack-ish a little bit #i gotta stop writing while sleep deprived #ffs

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escapewithbts · 3 years

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Charity Case - Yoongi

Not super edited, not sure if I love it, blah blah blah, please still enjoy...

I’ve been in such a Yoongi mood lately 😇

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You stared at your bank statement, or more specifically, your savings account. You had saved up a decent amount of money, that was for sure, but it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to kickstart your dream.

It all happened a few days ago on a Tuesday afternoon. You had just finished lunch with a friend who was from your home country. The two of you had found a restaurant specializing in the traditional food from there since you both were craving a taste of home. On your walk back to your apartment, you noticed the road you usually took was blocked off with construction (typical for the summertime in Seoul you were learning), so ultimately you had to take a detour, pulling out your Maps app. Although you lived in Hongdae, you really only took the same few roads daily. Therefore, you still did not quite know your way around.

The new directions had you weave down a side street, one you had never been on before. To your surprise, it was full of restaurants, shops, and cafes, and since Hongdae was known for homing many foreigners within the city of Seoul, many of them featured things you were very familiar with from back home.

Strolling down the block you made mental notes of places you wanted to try, places that were bustling with people, figuring they must be good if that’s the case.

All of a sudden, between an American grocery store and floral shop, you noticed a beautiful empty store front. You peered in the large windows and was met with a decent sized space, white walls, white tile floors, a lot of natural lighting. It was perfect. In the corner of the same window there was a sign that read “FOR LEASE” with the name of the agent and a phone number.

You took a picture of said sign before stuffing your phone back in your pocket. There was no harm in calling, right? Even just getting a feel for the space was harmless…right?

For ever since coming to Seoul from abroad, it was your dream to open your own bakery. To make desserts and breads and pastries fresh daily for the Seoulites to try and the foreigners to feel nostalgic for their home countries. You were currently working a boring office job as a translator, saving for the moment you could follow your true dream.

And maybe this was a sign… this was it.

So, you did call. You did get a feel for the space. And it was perfect. Turns out it had been a pizza shop that went under, (too much competition) so there were already ovens and freezers and refrigeration, all in great working condition. The agent informed you the floor could be ripped up and replaced, there were already light fixtures attached in the ceiling that could connect to chandeliers and you were already picturing plants hanging from macrame in front of the large windows.

But there was just one problem.

As you stared at your savings account and compared it to the down payment in the brochure the realtor had given you… they didn’t match. You were short about 1/3 of the cost, especially since there was still some work to be done inside to really make it your own.

You heart sunk. You mentally scolded yourself for getting your hopes up. It was in such a prime location; how could you have been so stupid to think it was in your price range!

Suddenly, instead of staring at your lack of funds, you were staring at your face in your phone’s front camera as you received a FaceTime call request. ‘Yoongi’ was the name at the top of the phone screen, accompanied by your favorite picture you had taken of him candidly making a gummy smile caused by a joke you had told. Right on time for the daily call you two always had.

You sighed. Did you really want to speak to him right now? You were great friends, you had (stupidly) told him about the place and he had been so incredibly excited for you. He was so supportive and encouraging… it was incredibly endearing. Reminding yourself of that you pressed the green accept button.

Immediately you were met with the handsome face and bleach blonde hair of Min Yoongi. He was resting his head back on his black leather sofa, his narrow eyes meeting yours between screens.

“Hi Yoongi-ah,” you gave him a small smile.

“Hey (y/n).” he responded, returning the smile.

You stood up and walked over to the couch in your small apartment, sitting down and curling your legs underneath you.

“What are you up to?” you asked.

He reached towards the screen and flipped it, so it was now looking forward. An NBA basketball game was playing on the large tv in his living room.

“Watching the game. It’s game 4 of the finals so if Pheonix wins this one they only have one more game to win before they win it all.”

He returned the screen to face him.

“Oh, that’s cool,” you replied, “Did you have a lot on your work schedule today?”

He ran a hand through his hair.

“It wasn’t too bad. Practiced PTD for a Japanese tv performance we have coming up. Worked on some music between rehearsals,” he shrugged, “the usual.”

You nodded.

“You?” he questioned, “how was your day?”

You looked down at the couch cushions and fiddled with the blanket that laid beside you. You bit your lip before responding.

“Fine. It was fine. I, uh, I had that appointment. With the agent in charge of that space I was interested in?”

Yoongi’s eyes got wide, and he perked his head up.

“Shit, I forgot that was today. How was it? Did you like it as much as you thought you would?”

A small grin appeared on your face remembering how picturesque it had been.

“It was even better than I thought it would be, Yoongs,” you told him.

He smiled wide.

“That’s incredible! So wh-what now? Did you put down the money for it? Or did you need me to come with you to look at it again, see if there’s anything that needs fixing that I can do??”

You closed your eyes tightly and shook your head. He was so sweet, and it broke your heart even more.

“Thank you, Yoongi, for offering, but that… won’t be necessary.”

You chewed the inside of your cheek, expecting his next question to make you feel uneasy.

He cocked his head and furrowed his eyebrows.

“What? Why not? I really don’t mind.”

You sighed, suddenly incredibly embarrassed to be admitting this to your friend.

“I just saw the statement of my bank account and, well, I don’t… I can’t afford the down payment. I don’t have enough saved up yet.”

You couldn’t help but look down in shame. Yoongi never talked about his money or how much he made being in BTS, but you weren’t stupid. He worked incredibly hard for everything he and his fellow members have achieved and you were nothing but proud of him. He deserved it all, even the unassumingly large income he was bringing in. He would never, ever flaunt it or make you feel inferior to him because of it, but you still felt slightly inefficient in your confession.

Yoongi’s face softened.

“Oh… I’m-I’m sorry, (y/n).”

You shrugged and gave him a small, hopeful smile.

“It’s alright. It just means it wasn’t meant to be, that’s all.”

He gave you a sympathetic frown.

“But you said it was perfect.” He reminded you.

You placed your fingers to the bridge of your nose.

“Because it is, Yoongi-ah. It’s bright and cozy and practically ready. Not to mention it’s an incredible location,” you rolled your eyes at yourself, “I really should have known it would be too much.”

“How much is it, if you don’t mind me asking?”

You looked away again and scrunched your nose, before telling him the exact amount required to put down in order for the space to be yours.

His mouth formed into that straight line he was known for when he was neither happy nor displeased by something.

“Could you get a loan? Like from a bank?”

You shook your head.

“I already looked into it,” you informed him, “it’s weird because my bank is home, but I’m abroad so there would be a lot of hoops to jump through and the chances of being approved are slim to none. Basically, it’s not worth putting a mark on my credit for.”

He nodded in understanding, looking away for a moment. His eyebrows knitted together in thought, and as much as you appreciated him trying to help you, you had already thought of all the possible solutions, and you didn’t really want to talk about it anymore.

“It’s okay, Yoongs, really, I’ll find someplace else.” You smiled reassuringly at him.

He looked back at you and hummed in agreement before you began talking about something else.

The next day you had barely stepped out of your office building after a long day at work when your phone’s text message notification sound went off.

5:49pm from Yoongi: Are you off work yet?

5:49pm to Yoongi: Leaving now. What’s up?

5:50pm from Yoongi: Can you meet me here at the HYBE building ASAP?

You furrowed your eyebrows.

5:50pm to Yoongi: Sure. Is everything okay?

5:50pm from Yoongi: Yeah, everything is fine

5:51pm from Yoongi: Come to the Forum at the top floor when you get here, okay? I already told the front desk you’re coming

5:51pm to Yoongi: You’re being weird but okay

5:51pm from Yoongi: Don’t worry so much you pabo, it’s nothing bad

You rolled your eyes and locked your phone before hailing a taxi.

The ride to Yoongi’s work was longer than usual because of traffic, but eventually you made it, giving a wad of cash to the driver and stepping out of the cab. The tall, reflective HYBE building intimidated you a little bit, like you were going to get in trouble just for stepping foot on its grounds, but you confidently passed the transparent sign that read “HYBE We Believe in Music” and opened the doors to the main entrance. A woman at the front desk greeted you and asked to see your ID when you told her you were here to see Min Yoongi. When she confirmed your identity, she gestured toward the elevators.

“Yes, you may proceed to the Forum on the 19th floor, he is waiting near the café there.”

You nodded and thanked her before letting the elevator doors close in front of you.

The aroma of coffee wafted into your nose immediately upon stepping out of the elevators. It smelled heavenly. You walked past many groups of HYBE businessmen and women taking breaks or in small meetings before finally spotting Yoongi at a table in the corner near the large windows. He was fixated on his phone, an iced Americano on the table in front of him, and another iced drink sitting across. It had been a few weeks since you had seen him in person as his schedule was usually jam packed, but upon seeing him now your heart skipped a beat and a wide smile formed on your lips. You hadn’t seen his newly bleached hair in person yet and he looked even more handsome than you imagined. His pale skin glowed in the sunlight. It was good to see him again. You missed him.

“Hi,” you said, pulling out the chair and sitting down across from him, “the building is incredible.”

He glanced up at you and nodded in agreement.

“It’s nice. They did a great job. I don’t mind coming to work as much now.” He chuckled to himself, and you rolled your eyes.

He pointed to the beverage in front of you.

“The drinks are good, too, I got your favorite.”

You smiled at him and took a sip. He was right, it was delicious.

“Thanks, Yoongs.”

He stared at you for a moment, a grin forming on his face. Your face felt hot, and you had to look away.

“Sooo… why did you need me here so urgently?” you quickly wondered.

“Urgently?” he retaliated, “it sure took you long enough.”

Oh, how you loved his bluntness.

You scoffed.

“Well, excuuuuse me, Mr. Min, normal people go home from work around this time, so traffic was absolutely horrendous! Could you have picked any other time of day?”

He smiled and looked down at his hands while shaking his head.

“This was literally the only open slot I had today, sorry,” he glanced at the time on his phone, “and I’m already almost out of time as it is.”

You waved your hands, urging him on.

“Well then, what is it that it couldn’t wait?”

He scratched the back of his neck and chuckled nervously.

“Aiisshh okay, please don’t be mad.”

You narrowed your eyes and cocked your head.

“Mad? What? What is it, Min Suga?”

He took a deep breath and reached into the front pocket of his jeans, pulling out a small piece of paper. Then he unfolded it carefully and placed it in the middle of the table facing you.

To your shock, it was a personal check. From Yoongi’s bank account. Written for the exact amount you had told him last night of the down payment for the perfect shop you couldn’t afford.

Your jaw dropped and your eyes left the rectangular paper to look into his. They were a little weary, maybe, but hopeful.

“Yoongi…” you started.

He held up his hand.

“Please. Just take it, (y/n).”

Your heart was pounding. There in front of you was the exact amount you needed to start your dream. Your very own bakery. And combined with the amount you had in your savings you could even add some extra touches!

But… you couldn’t do it. You knew you couldn’t. This was your dream, and even if that amount of money was nothing to someone like Yoongi, you wanted to be the one to earn it, like he had earned all his successes.

“I-I… I can’t, Yoongi.”

He sighed and closed his eyes.

“(y/n) …”

“Thank you, Yoongi, truly, it means so much.”

He shook his head and motioned to the check.

“Then just take it.”

“I don’t want it.”

“But you said so yourself that place is perfect! You were in love with it!”

You nodded, trying to keep your cool. Did he have to keep reminding you how great it was?

“Yes. But I cannot afford it. There will be other places.”

“You can afford it if you take this. Please, (y/n), this won’t hurt me in anyway financially, I’m good. I want you to be, too.”

“I am good, Yoongi. I work hard and I’m saving. This place is just not it and I have to accept that. Maybe a time will come where I can afford someplace like it, and when it does it will be just as perfect.”

He rolled his eyes.

“How do you know you’ll find another place?? Jesus, you’re so fucking stubborn sometimes, (y/n).”

Your hands balled up into fists. Okay that was it. Calling you stubborn because you wanted to be self sufficient had made you hit your boiling point.

“I’m stubborn? How about I just don’t want to be your charity case, idol Min Yoongi, hmm?” you whispered harshly to him, “I can take care of myself, okay? I don’t want your help; I don’t need your help. I’m a fucking adult, too, you know, just because I don’t make millions doesn’t mean I can’t make smart financial decisions. God, do you think I’m just that pathetic?”

You got up to leave, so over this conversation.

Yoongi squeezed his eyes shut.

“What? Fuck, (y/n), no I don’t think you’re pathetic. If anything… I-I’m the pathetic one.”

You scoffed and rolled your eyes before marching back toward the elevators and hitting the down arrow button.

Yoongi followed.

“Do you know why?” he asked, jumping into the elevator with you before the doors could close.

It was just the two of you as it began its long descent down 19 floors.

You narrowed your eyes at him.

“Why what? Why you’re pathetic?” you snorted, “Because you just offered your friend an obscene amount of money for something you have no part in?”

He looked down at the floor and took a deep breath.

Finally, he peered back up at you and his dark brown eyes met yours.

“Well, that, and because,” he paused, shuffling nervously on his feet, “because I’m having a really hard time telling that same friend how I truly feel about her.”

Your heart stopped and your mouth fell open again, in a different kind of shock.

“What?” you said softly.

“Fuck, I love you, (y/n)!” the pale skin of his face turned a bright red, and he took his gaze away again, “Aiiisshh, I’m sorry, I’m just horrible at showing my emotions and telling people how I feel. I guess I was hoping offering you the money would help you understand but I didn’t even think how it would come off, I just wanted you to know that I support you and I want to be apart of your decisions in life as more than a friend and- “

You cut off his worrisome rant by flinging yourself towards him and kissing him hard. It was his turn to be shocked, but he instantly got the memo and pushed you back against the wall of the elevator in passion. He wrapped his arms around your waist, his large hands grazing the bare skin of your lower back under your shirt. You gripped your hands in his blonde locks.

The elevator let out a ding signaling you had reached the first floor. You pulled away from each other, panting from the heat of the moment. You smiled.

“I love you, too, Yoongs. But I’m still not taking your money.”

He rolled his eyes and snorted.

Then you started to exit the elevator, but you felt him grab your wrist.

“Wait.”

You turned back toward him with confused eyes.

He grinned at you, his eyes suddenly full of lust.

“Do you maybe... want to see my new studio?”

Masterlist

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eunjidrabbles · 3 years

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30 Reasons Why

(30 Reasons Why is my new 30 short chapters series that will hopefully kickstart in helping me write and upload according to schedule. Hope ya’ll enjoy this!)

Chapter 0: Dear Yooh

Warning: None Word count: About 1k

[0/30] Next chapter ->

It wasn’t that often that you had time to yourself to head out to stroll the streets and window shop for interesting trinkets that caught your eyes. Along with adulthood came the responsibilities of bills and having to keep yourself alive with whatever you can earn with your work. It wasn’t as if you loved or disliked how your life went, but rather, you were content with what you had going on.

Humming softly to yourself, you rounded the corner of the mall to see a small souvenir shop, newly opened as shown by all the glaring congratulatory signs around the entrance of the store. Stepping closer to take a peek at the insides of the store, you were pleasantly surprised to find that it wasn’t filled to the brim with the usual tourist trap cards and cups but instead, there was a good amount of the store that was covered with bookshelves. Though you were living in the city and had plenty of mementos you had growing up, stepping in to the store felt like stepping into a new place with the gust of cold air conditioning blowing in your face past the stale, humid air of the mall. Letting your eyes dart around to find a starting point to explore, you chuckled as it led you towards the uniquely designed postcards, each with it’s slight snark to the occasion. Moving ahead, you were drawn towards the scented candles, each not named after what the scent was, but rather for the occasion it could be used. Picking up an “antisocial” scented candle, you curiously gave it a little sniff and placed it back on the shelve.

Turning your head towards the walls of bookshelves next to the candles, the smile on your face grew as you scanned through the multiple titles they have on display, even stopping at some to pick them up and flip through. The books ranged from actual books to a bunch of activity books that encouraged coloring or daily photo diaries of the sorts. Stopping at a small peach hardcover, you squat down to pick it up. The pastel peach color of the cover warmed your heart, and the title even more so. “30 Reasons Why” was printed in a scribble font, and as you flipped through the first few pages, your smile only grew. Standing back up with the book in hand, you made your way to the counter to pay for the new gem you have found.

As you entered the apartment, you could hear the frantic mashing of buttons coming from the living room that ended off with a whine. Walking further in, you saw the big red “DEFEAT” on your television screen before glancing down at the woman sitting crossed legged on the carpet in amusement. “Dami-ya, can’t you go easy on me?” Whatever Dami answered certainly did not match up to what the woman was wanting to hear, and so she let out another string of whines that led to you snorting at the childish scene in front of you. You weren’t sure how, but Yoohyeon had heard it past the music of her game and she immediately twisted her body around, throwing herself on the couch behind her to reach out for you with open arms and a wide grin, controller still in one hand. “You’re home!” Chuckling as you stepped closer to the back of the couch for your girlfriend to pull you into a tight hug and snuggle herself onto you, you pressed a small kiss to the top of her head and she snapped her head up to stare at you with a silly smile on her face. “I was only gone for barely two hours Yooh.” Pursing her lips together to form a small pout, she hummed a little before moving herself up onto her knees on the couch and rising higher up to meet your eyes. “I know.” Moving her arms now around your neck, she pulled you closer. “That is-” Giving you a quick peck on the lips, she broke out into a big grin again as she continued. “-two hours too long that I missed you.” Scoffing playfully, you pretend to struggle out of her hold around you with a couple “ew”s while Yoohyeon laughed happily and showered your entire face in kisses.

Mid kiss on your cheeks, Yoohyeon froze on the spot and suddenly pulled back, squealing loudly to take off her headset, to glance between you and the object in her hand. Seeing the flush rise up her face, you leaned forward at the back of the couch with an amused smirk. “Yooh, did you forget to mute your microphone?” Another loud whine escaped her lips at your teasing as she pulled her headset back onto her head before giving you a puppy faced pout. Leaning further forward to press a kiss on her lips again, you chuckled and whispered to her. “I’ll let you continue playing without teasing you. We still on for our dinner date?” Closing your lips together once more, Yoohyeon enthusiastically nodded, pout now replaced with her bright smile.

“I’ll come get you at...” Glancing at the clock on the wall, you calculated the amount of time Yoohyeon probably needed to get ready, before turning back to her. “Seven thirty?” Humming in agreement, she gave you a final peck before whispering a quick “Love you.” and turning back to her game with Dami. Slowly standing back up, you catch yourself smiling silly while staring at the woman who finally decided that the couch was a better place to game on than the hard floor and whispered back a “Love you too.” before moving further into the house and into your bedroom that you shared with your girlfriend.

Pulling out the book you bought, you placed it on your desk before backtracking a few steps to make sure that Yoohyeon was still busy with her game as your smile softened. Gently closing the door to your room and settling down at your desk, you opened the cover of the book to the first page and pulled out a pen from the holder and took a deep breath to fill in the first blanks of the activity book.

Dear Yooh, here are my thirty weird and wonderful facts about you.

From Your love, (Y/n)

#dreamcatcher imagines #dreamcatcher scenarios #30 Reasons Why #yoohyeon imagines #yoohyeon scenarios #yoohyeon x reader #yoohyeon fluff #chapter 0

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pixelgrotto · 2 years

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The future of Pixel Grotto, and writing freelance full-time

It’s 2022, and time for a brief reflection. One of the major life events that came my way last year was a decision to finally dive into the freelance world and devote myself to writing about gaming and other hobbies that I love. I'd dabbled in the notion more than once over the years, but convinced myself that I wouldn’t be able to make it as a freelancer and needed a soul-crushing full-time job to pay the bills.

The global pandemic, for better or worse, changed that. Working at home 24/7 gave me perspective, and the sheer nature of getting tossed about like a ragdoll in the major journalism jobs that I’d previously been pursuing made me wonder if I could make it on my own. Eventually, after my contract gig at a big newspaper came to an end, I had no choice but to pursue this option out of necessity. And here I am, several months later, making a living scribbling articles for a variety of different sites, primarily about comic books, tabletop RPGs and video games - all the while using “Pixel Grotto” as the penname for the majority of my gigs.

It’s been a windy road, and money is always a concern. But I do feel like this is my calling, and I’m invigorated in ways that I haven’t felt before when my nose was to the grindstone working breaking news shifts under terrible editors. And in many ways, I’ve got to credit this little blog, which I’ve maintained for nearly a decade now, for helping me to break into this arena. There were a lot of other connections that I leveraged to kickstart my freelance writing career - in particular the great folks over at Asians Represent, who I first collaborated with for a readthrough of Legend of the Five Rings that probably contributed to me getting gigs at D&D Beyond - but this blog was the venue where I first started writing about gaming back in 2013. It’ll continue to be the place where I pen my thoughts about “the weird and wonderful world of play,” which was the motto I typed down here so long ago.

This blog is definitely taking a bit of a backseat to the writing that I’m doing which actually pays me, though. For some time now, I’ve only been able to write posts here once a month or so, and that pace is unlikely to change. My jam-packed schedule means that I’m unlikely to start any more huge projects like the big Resident Evil playthrough of 2018-2019, alas. But I really do like this little corner of the internet that I’ve carved out for myself, and so Pixel Grotto - possibly the last Tumblr blog in existence that still produces longform 1,000+ word articles when the rest of the world has moved to Medium and/or Substack - shall live on!

Nevertheless, if you want more regular updates on what I’m doing with my writing career and the sort of games I’m engaged with, follow the site’s Twitter account. And if you want to check the nifty portfolio I just whipped up that organizes samples of my writing, take a look here. Better yet, if you’re itching to collaborate on a project in the tabletop roleplaying space or want to pay me to write about something, gimme a shout! I’ve got some great stuff in the works, and I’m glad to be here, still trucking along all these years later.

#pixel grotto #musings

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cara-terra-pace · 4 years

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RICH NEIGHBORS PART 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

Part 1 THE GABRIELING

-wow does Lila get absolutely C R E A M E D in this au.

-almost makes you feel bad.

-almost

-since we got Mr Felix “I don’t need friends. They disappoint me” Agreste here, you better believe this girl gets exposed faster than you can say “Watermelon Kids”.

-(I mean Felix quotes that vine all the time to his FRIENDS so it sorta doesn’t apply but whatever you get what I mean.)

-Lila lies immediately about Marinette. But she obviously doesn’t know it’s Marinette, because Marinette goes by Marie Mêler, and not Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

-it’s actually kind of funny because Noel Bulles (I’m going with Nino’s brother’s name being Chris, not Noel because I needed a name and Noel was the best one so) or Nino Lahiffe also overhears her bragging about being best friends with him, just as he had said about Marinette.

-“oh Marinette Dupain Cheng and I are besties! Us and Nino Lahiffe, we’re like this!” She grins, crossing her fingers to signify how close they are.

-Oh heck to the no!

-Marinette is now becoming angry and that’s not good, so Felix decides “hey, I’ve met Dupain Cheng and Lahiffe before, and they are almost never in the public eye. It’s basically impossible for that to be true. But if you want to continue trying to make this class your sheeple, be my guest. You’ll see what happens when you do.”

-silence

-And the entire class kind of explodes

-everyone realizes that, hmm, yeah that’s a bit suspicious.

-there was no reason for Felix to lie about that, because they know that this 17 year old that acts like some 30 something businessman literally could care less about the class liking him.

-They immediately are more cautious of Lila’s words, and when she starts talking about Jagged and his cat, that really brings it home.

-they ignore her.

-they aren’t mean to her, since that’s just not anyone’s style. Chloe went to homeschool a few years ago, and that’s the only real “bully” they had.

-but they don’t take anything she says seriously. Lila eventually realizes that the lying is not working. So she just stops talking as much, moves to the back of the classroom without prompting, and plans her next move.

-“that wasn’t too bad!” You say, forgetting that there is more.

-Watermelon kids and their reveal!

-Marie is Marinette Dupain Cheng?!

-Noel is Nino Lahiffe?!

-Lila, who hadn’t really talked in weeks except to attempt to gain some sort of sympathy, paled immediately when she was confronted with it on Monday morning.

-“this is proof that you were definitely lying. You should be glad Felix stopped me before I put that video of you on my blog.”

-Alya Cesaire everyone!

-she has a blog where just writes about different attractions and news in Paris. She figured getting such a scoop from the best friend of two never seen in public rich kids would really jump start her blog.

-Felix and Adrien stopped her, Adrien being nice and calm about it and Felix telling her it would be idiotic to post the interview without sources.

-and she listens, bc even though she’s still hopeful that Lila is telling the truth, it does sound a bit too good to be true.

-Alya is still best friends with our baby Mari.

-it’s different than in canon but they hang out at Alya’s a lot, sometimes when Mari stays at the bakery she’ll invite Alya over, and basically they are inseparable

-Alya isn’t really into romance, at least not for herself since she’s trying to kickstart a career, but when she sees the budding romances between Mari and Felix and Adrien and Nino

-Madamoiselle Matchmaker at your service.

-but enough of my girl Alya

-lets get back to the WATERMELON KIDS

-they are both so awkward after the reveal.

-people in class are all starry eyed and it’s weird because okay, they were both nice and well known in the class and throughout the school

-BUT THIS IS NEXT LEVEL

-Mari basically sticks close to her friends because when she gets overwhelmed, they help her out a ton.

-Nino tries to be chill and it’s not working.

-but the thing is, now people either try to become best friends with them for the benefits, or they insult them because they’re rich kids

-and, yeah it doesn’t really bother them.

-sticks and stones, you know?

-but then someone insulted Alya, saying she’s a suck up and she’s just hanging around the group so she can get a scoop and expose their secrets and stuff.

-and Mari and Nino actually go off.

-that is their little baby reporter friend who can definitely take care of herself and doesn’t need to play dirty to get good news and be a great reporter thank you very much

-they can handle being insulted themselves, but touch their friends and family and it’s game over.

-Alya finds it very sweet

-she does remind them that she can take care of herself, but thanks them for backing her up

-Emile Agreste

-woah where did she come from???

-there’s a movie premiere in Paris and she’s attending and Adrien is like !!!

-Felix is just kind of... standoffish when she’s in town??

-he’s just bitter that both his mother and father are distant and his dad’s assistant is more of a mother figure to him at this point.

-btw, Nathalie is so done. She sometimes cries in her office, which sounds really sad until you learn she is just leaning her head on the wall and crying as she bangs her head.

-ma’am please take a month off and take a vacation

-but she can’t because she loves the boys too much

-she’s emile’s best friend, and so when she gets kind of mad at em for being gone so much, everyone’s really surprised.

-she’s walking into the premiere with a tablet in her hands and Emile is like “wow I missed you and Gabe so much!!!”

-and Felix and Adrien are RIGHT THERE LIKE-

-and Nathalie just snaps

-“obviously not enough to actually take a break. Felix, Adrien, it’s time to go into the theatre. Your father won’t be joining us, he didn’t deem this important enough to attend in person.”

-mari and Nino are nearby and OH DO YOU NEED SOME ICE FOR THAT BURN MADAME AGRESTE

-what was I talking about?

-oh yeah, back to fashion.

-that’s Marinette right there, making new designs.

-she does special celebrity commissions and gifts herself, but they have tons of other designers and seamstresses helping with the actual mass production of lines.

-Mari’s first fashion show is a collaboration between DC and LE. They provide the runway music and have live up and comers, and Mari does the same, with smaller designers presenting their lines before Mari’s and her’s being the final and the crown jewel.

-she jump started a lot of careers that way, both in the music and fashion industries.

-the watermelon kids are on every teen magazine

-they are huge in America

-both of them traveled there to just get a better feel of American culture, fashion, and music and wow

-paparazzi

-EVERYWHERE

-Nino meets some American singers and convinces his mother that an American location would be good for the company

-Marinette does the same, insisting that it would be full of profit

-it works and the summer following the reveal, Marinette, Nino, Alya, and the Agreste Twins all go to America.

-which will be elaborated on in Part 3!

This whole thing was sort of a mess lol

I jumped around a lot but most of these were the first ideas that popped into my head and it was a lot of fun to create.

(Note: if you guys want to be tagged, just let me know and you’ll be added to the taglist!)

Taglist: @animegirlweeb

#rich neighbors au #miraculous ladybug #miraculous #ladybug #adrien agreste #marinette dupain cheng #chat noir #chloe bourgeois #alya cesaire #carapace #nino lahiffe #watermelon kids #felix agreste #ml felinette #agreste twins

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tenacityreturns · 4 years

Text

aokaga fic alert!

plot: kagami and aomine have their first important rematch since they started dating. sure, he’d been looking forward to this for ages, but there’s something keeping kagami from fully devoting himself to the game. it’s a block that’s costing seirin points. will he be able to get over it before halftime ends? word count: 3020 rating: sfw, but maybe there’s a cheeky kiss since this was originally from a five times kissed prompt until it got too long

second quarter. benched. two fouls ( including one against aomine ). legs are starting to hurt. seething. kagami watches the score board with his lip in his teeth. touou increase the point gap, but not by much. aomine’s hanging back, not playing to his best. isn’t that good? isn’t that a good thing that he’s not running seirin into the ground? he could if he wanted to. no... no, it only pisses kagami off even more. aomine doesn’t respect seirin enough. he’s going easy on them in case he upsets kagami. the bastard! it’s too late for that. his teammates must know that aomine’s holding back, and they must also know it’s because of kagami. nobody knows they’re dating, at least, kagami doesn’t think they do, but it’s clear that touou’s ace is only interested in battling seirin’s in a one-on-one.

the zone feels so far off. is this what kise was talking about? once you love someone, you don’t want--- no, you physically cannot give your all. even against aomine, whom kagami has plenty of experience maxing out his stamina, there’s something blocking him. he hadn’t even worked up much of a sweat before he was benched. kagami wants to win. seirin want to win. but he can’t enter the zone. why can’t he? doesn’t he want to? things only got interesting with aomine after he lost! his leg starts bouncing. kagami needs to get back out there. this is really fucking pissing him off! he doesn’t get what’s wrong with him, either! damn. he knew he was nervous before this match, but didn’t realise it would stop him from playing properly!

the seconds tick by. nearly half-time. what will aomine do with the moments ahead?

hyuuga scores a three, it’s nice. his teammates on the bench cheer, but kagami’s watching aomine. glaring. seething, truly. he should have stopped it.

aomine looks over.

concentrate on the game, you bastard!

kagami watches the grimace form across dark features. kuroko passes the ball to izuki, who looks like he’s clear to get to maybe the three point line, and pass to hyuuga who’s open. kagami glances at the time and when he returns to the spot touou’s number 5 had been, he’s not there. izuki’s motionless for a whole second, staring in horror at aomine as he’s flying towards his target. he’d just-- appeared. kagami hadn’t even seen it. how fast had aomine been to not only get to izuki, but to steal before he’d had a chance to defend himself? the upperclassmen turn on their heels and go after him, but there’s no shame in defence’s inability to stop one of aomine’s formless shots. damn. that’s so cool. aomine’s so good at going from flat out sprint to complete stop. not even a falter. jeez. he’s walking towards his team’s bench before the buzzer goes, but there was nothing seirin could do. fifteen points behind.

he had to talk to him. had to. maybe aomine’s own bad mood would snap kagami out of his. they loved playing against each other! this is really off! so he pulls on his sweater and walks on over, saying nothing to his own team before leaving. kagami’s not thinking about whether or not there are any rules against talking to his opponents. aomine’s back is turned, but momoi’s surprised kagamin? is enough to turn all heads. aomine’s own shock doesn’t go unnoticed. how could he think kagami didn’t want to talk it out right now?

“can i see you outside?” kagami doesn’t like being over here. it feels weird, he can feel a lot of eyes on him, and this can’t be allowed for how close this feels to trespassing. “sorry,” he adds impulsively.

aomine, the only person kagami can bear to look at right now, blinks uselessly. it’s momoi who speaks first. thank god she does; kagami had been milliseconds from stomping away in embarrassment.

“we’d like him back a few minutes before we begin,” she pushes him forwards, kickstarting aomine to move by himself. momoi knows about them. she must know about them. aomine pulls on his jacket and the two leave. kagami’s going to get so told off when he gets back. majorly told off. ah, so what? what can they do, bench him?

“i thought we talked about this,” aomine says gravely as they continue down the corridor, “we’re gonna go all out.”

“that’s just what i could say to you!” kagami’s quick to raise his voice, but he has to separate in-game tension with out-of-game tension. he exhales. “you’re holding back.”

“you’re benched, what the hell is the point?”

“that’s my team you’re talking about!”

aomine sighs. “did you call me out here just to blow off steam? save that for the game. now, back to the point, why are you holding back?”

“i’m not---”

“yes, you were.”

they stop walking. no one is around but this is still just a hallway not very far from the locker-rooms. kagami’s indignant and he’s mad. “you’re holding back! that last point was the first time you even tried!”

“like i said, taiga, you’re benched. you want me to demolish your teammates?”

“respect them, at least!”

“---- are you mad at me?”

“yes!”

“for what?”

“holding back!”

“stop saying that! you’re being an idiot right now,” aomine growls, “you backed out of a one-on-one earlier. you just passed. why didn’t you challenge me?”

kagami falters. had he done that? oh. yeah. earlier in the last quarter, he can picture it now. they’re face-to-face: aomine’s radiating intensity. every twitching muscle is under his gaze. he knows kagami, knows what he likes to do. but instead of rising to the challenge, kagami hesitates, and passes. aomine doesn’t try to steal it, either. he stands there looking disappointed. that was the first moment that kagami felt the pent-up tightness in his chest. it cascades as all anxiety does within him into anger and then he starts getting fouls. coach said he isn’t thinking clearly. she’s right.

“we said it doesn’t matter who wins. or didn’t you mean that?”

oh. fuck. kagami’s hand reaches up to where the ring on his neck usually sits, and in that moment, his worries become so much clearer. he’d thought that he’d been able to disconnect aomine his boyfriend, and aomine his rival. he was right, after all, kagami’s certain that he’ll still love aomine if touou wins today. it will suck, but as long as they’ve both gone all out, there’s nothing more to be said than that he needs to get stronger. but he hadn’t thought the fear through. he hadn’t even considered that he might be worried aomine would stop loving him if he lost. people have a habit of saying one thing, but when kagami beats them, it’s all over. it’s happened before. aomine’s searching for answers in kagami’s face, but this is hard to say. of all people he could be speaking to, perhaps aomine is one who understands this best.

“do you want to win today?” kagami asks quietly.

“of course i do.”

“what if you lost?”

“that’s not gonna happen.”

“daiki.”

“fine, it’d be shit,” he shrugs, “but nothing would change.”

“nothing?”

“can’t you just say what’s bothering you? we don’t have a lot of time here.”

kagami huffs. “maybe i can’t enter the zone ‘cuz i keep thinking you won’t like me when i win.” when. that’s already a step in the right direction. “i know what you said, but i’ve heard it before.”

it’s aomine’s turn to fall silent. he looks away with a worrisome frown. what’s he thinking about? is he offended that kagami doesn’t believe him? he’s sorry! it’s such a stupid kind of insecurity! it’s not that he doesn’t want to play against him! ugh. this is the worst. who knew dating rivals would be this hard?

“maybe i lied earlier,” aomine finally says. “i think i want you guys to win. or-- to get close.”

kagami inhales, about to yell, furious that this means aomine’s going to hold back----

“my body didn’t recover for days last time. i was exhausted.”

shouting contest averted. huh? kagami feels like he’s one step behind.

“i went all out and lost. my best wasn’t good enough back then. but the point was, i could actually try.”

“yeah,” kagami lowers his eyes, hand once again reaching for the necklace which isn’t sitting at his collarbone.

“and seeing you going up against akashi like that-- you, tetsu, the rest of your team. it was something else. so you better show that to me today or i’ll be pissed.”

“you’re not gonna hold back?”

“no. i don’t get anything outta that, don’t you get it? i wanna beat the team that beat rakuzan.”

“yeah?” kagami’s ego is off the charts right now-- or is it his self-esteem? he’s not feeling big-headed by these statements, it’s more like someone he respects so highly in basketball is reaffirming his own talent in it and it’s amazing. it’s so cool. aomine’s so cool. his mood is immediately alleviated and he’s almost forgotten the fog that stopped him from playing only minutes ago.

“we’re gonna win, though,” aomine smirks. “we’re not the same guys as last time.”

“no,” kagami’s turn to smirk ( and it’s the first positive expression in ages ), “i heard you’ve actually been to practise once or twice since then.”

“shut up. i’m gonna wipe that dumb look off your face.”

they’re close. it’s totally normal that these two rivals would be standing inches apart, so kagami doesn’t move away. scarlet eyes, narrowing with a happy smile, dance his gaze across aomine’s face.

kagami thinks about all the times before they got together that they could easily have been fighting if they’d been this close. not recently. recently, kagami’s been able to just kiss him if they’re at home! picture that. kagami wanting to kiss someone, and that particular someone being the coolest idiot he knows! and aomine daiki wanting to kiss him! sometimes, kagami wouldn’t even have said anything to drastically improve the mood, and aomine would kiss him out of the blue! it’s too much to think about that and not be able to do so right now. can’t he kiss him? of all the times, maybe mid-game is the worst. it would be distracting, right? but it’s instinctual. now’s a good moment for it. the perfect moment to do it. they’re outside, though. in the open. with a huff of annoyance ( what a bother to have to relocate! ), kagami makes his decision.

aomine can sense something is about to happen, and opens his mouth to speak, but he’s too slow. kagami takes his wrist and pulls him back towards the court. there's a janitor's closet nearby. kagami's pretty sure he saw it on the way over, and he can definitely smell bleach on the air.

"taiga," aomine slips his wrist free, but keeps pace. yeah, maybe that's wise. keep the touching for when they’re alone. "is that it? I've knocked some sense back into you already?"

"just follow me, alright? it's around here somewhere."

"what is?" it's Aomine's turn to look as though he's two steps behind of the situation. kagami's still smiling, but there's determination in his eyes that he'll carry to the court. aha! here it is! and it's unlocked!

"oh, great," aomine is totally confused and looks so funny as kagami pushes him inside. "you gonna lock me in here to guarantee your win, bakagami?” is he that oblivious? kagami pulls the door shut. "well?"

"well?" kagami repeats incredulously. he has to laugh. "and you call me an idiot!" but he won't leave aomine guessing for long ( because he doesn't want to ). he wraps his arms around his boyfriend in a hug, but it's partly to find him in the dark.

"we could've done this outside, dummy,"

“shut up,” despite his words, kagami came in here to do something, and he knows if he gets caught up in aomine’s games then he’ll miss his chance! and who knows what they’ll do after the match. so it’s now, or tomorrow, and with this kind of thing, he’ll always choose now.

a hand comes up to hold aomine's jaw. the wise cracks stop. arms raise around kagami's middle to return the hug, and now they're kissing. now, hands roam where they couldn’t before. now, as ever, something stirs in his chest and his gut and if he isn’t careful, kagami won’t want to leave. they couldn't have done this outside. even straight couples would be told this kind of display should be reserved for private spaces. they’re chest-to-chest, kagami’s back against the door. aomine always knows what to do.

"daiki," kagami whispers after a minute ( or was it two? three? ), "we should go back."

"you started it,"

"it’s not my fault!”

“i’m just that irresistible, huh?”

yes, actually. kind of. ugh! it’s enough to make kagami pull away, but the hands around his waist hold fast. the moment is over. whether aomine knew that being annoying was enough to snap kagami out of it is up to anyone’s guess. “come on, ahomine, we gotta get back.”

“are you gonna trust me now?”

kagami’s first reaction is to scoff, but aomine’s eyes are serious. kagami wants to say that it wasn’t an issue of trust, it’s just that he has a scar on his heart from when people he loves leave him. but maybe that is trust. aomine hasn’t earnt it yet. the results of this game will show both of their true colours. but he can’t word any of this right now, so he’ll nod. for now, he trusts aomine not to abandon him too. right?

“ah, babe,” aomine drops his hands, “you’re such a bad liar.”

kagami frowns, lowering his gaze. he can’t fight that. maybe it had been a lie? he takes a grounding breath. in through his nose, out through his mouth. it wasn’t. he trusts aomine. and if kagami gets hurt again, he’ll just have to know that there was nothing he could do about it. but it’s the same for aomine too, isn’t it? he’s used to people leaving him because he’s too good. how dumb is that? that people would stop being friends with someone because they’re too fucking good at something? it won’t happen today. it won’t. they like each other. in less than half an hour, the match will be over and this will be nothing more than a memory. determination lights up his eyes, aomine can see it in the dark. kagami will try his hardest to beat him. he will.

“i’m gonna win, daiki.”

“that’s better,” aomine exhales, and squeezes past to exit the closet. he slowly opens the door at first, but the coast must have been clear because he walks out as if it’s the most normal thing in the world to leave a janitor’s closet. “now, focus. watch out you don’t get anymore fouls. what are you on now?”

“two,” kagami replies just a little petulantly. “worry about yourself! now i’m feeling more level-headed, you’re gonna have to pay close attention.”

“level-headed?” he chuckles, “if i lose, i’m definitely gonna blame that kiss. you’re trying to sabotage me.”

“what!” it’s still weird to think that he occupies any of aomine’s thoughts, and too weird that now he’s struggling to concentrate because of him. he’s blushing at the thought! “get your head in the game, dumbass!”

“why are you going red? shouldn’t i be the embarrassed one?”

“no, i’m not! you’re just seeing things!”

they push open the doors to the court together: entering as confidently as two unstoppable forces could. each believed they’d win, it radiated from every pore. kagami’s blush settles because aomine doesn’t push the topic, he must have known it would mess up the redhead’s turbulent headspace again if he did.

he feels so refreshed now. he’s definitely not as worried about the aftermath as before their talk. kagami’s chest can hardly contain how excited he is to get back in the game! he finds his teammates, they’re talking among themselves, having just come back from the locker room, probably. he owes them an apology for being selfish before ( but not an explanation - now is not the time ). he takes another grounding breath before raising his fist and turning back to his boyfriend.

“thanks,” he says sincerely.

“shut up,” aomine rolls his eyes and bumps his knuckles against kagami’s. “don’t let it happen again, knucklehead.” they leave to part ways when he speaks again and makes kagami turn. “hey, see you in the zone.”

kagami can’t fight the smile on his face: it’s all encompassing and apparently contagious if aomine’s newfound grin is anything to go by. “if you can keep up with me.”

his smile doesn’t fade until he’s back at the bench. he gets an earful about not being there to talk battle plans, and he wholeheartedly apologises for being too in his own head in the first half. but he’s good now. kuroko is the first to admit the visible change in kagami’s energy. he believes in him. that helps more than he’s able to admit, and kagami sends him an appreciative smile when kuroko stands up for him. they’re all on the same page now ( even if some of the information is redacted, like kagami’s reason for his hesitation ). he will make it up to his team. and this time, instead of fighting for himself and seirin, kagami will give his all for aomine’s sake, too.

and if he doesn’t win today, he won’t get to fight the other dumbass generation of miracles guys now that their heads are out of their asses! kagami’s hyped up and happy to play again. he’s almost a whole different person. when he meets aomine back on the court, they’re smiling but focused. aomine has the skill to allow for the game to be fun, but kagami’s fighting spirit takes over and the intensity returns.

they meet in the zone. it’s unforgettable.

#aokaga #aokaga fanfic #KNB #knb fanfic #yeah i tagged it ! what of it #so a/n if you will: i cant remember if they always leave the court area place at halftime. i also... didnt check......#but i hope that doesnt distract from the Mood #i meant for this to be a short prompt fic but i got carried away SJDHSJHDSJHD #kagami's mood shifts are impossible like i said i always feel like im writing badly when he goes from :) to >:( to :( to :D #3000 words SJDHJSHDSJHDJHSD ridiculous #in which aomine is a good kind and understanding boyfriend even tho he tells kagami to shut up like 80 times #jk it's 3 times ( i checked ) and i only checked bc i thought it was KAGAMI who was telling him to shut up so much #nope... just the like... once or twice #drabbles.#aokaga.#aonon.#forgot my own tags sjdhsjdhs

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bltngames · 3 years

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Review: Hotshot Racing

(For this review, Hotshot Racing was played on the Nintendo Switch and the Personal Computer)

If you were to ask me what the most important features of a racing game are, somewhere near the top of the list would be artificial intelligence. Racing games are one of those genres, like fighting games or shooters, where simulating how real human people play the game is vital to the experience. They are inherently multiplayer concepts, even if you’re playing by yourself.

Focus on multiplayer artificial intelligence has waned over the last 15 years. With the rise of the premium multiplayer subscription, it’s more important than ever before to drive players to play matches with flesh-and-blood human beings online. Thus, advancements in “bot” (simulated human player) development hasn’t just slowed down, but in some cases actively regressed. Epic Games, once home to some of the smartest, most robust first person shooter bots in Unreal Tournament, now features bots in their popular Fortnite Battle Royale that fumble around the map with low attention spans and aim like they're blindfolded.

Humans are hard to simulate. The basic functions of a player are easy to emulate -- navigation, aiming, and so on, but it’s the organic logic underneath that proves to be the primary challenge. Humans have lapses in judgement. Humans make mistakes. Mistakes compound on other mistakes. A person wins or loses a given game because of a constantly cascading sequence of decisions, all feeding in to and out of themselves. Whether they realize it or not, every individual person is their own infinite web of chaos. For a computer, which operates in a binary of either perfect success or total failure, no amount of processing power can make for an accurate duplication.

As such, artificial intelligence has to “cheat.” Flaws are introduced into the simulation in order to throw the player a bone. Intelligence almost doesn’t even enter the equation; instead, it’s more about developing a bot that the player simply believes is human, like some kind of a magic trick. It’s a tight balancing act -- if the bot is too good, it looks like an unfeeling terminator. On the opposite, well… compare my Fortnite example up above. There’s a sweet spot that must be hit: smart, but not too smart. Dumb, but not too dumb. It’s easier said than done.

Racing games are a special category here. On top of simulating a human, they must also simulate an automobile, with all of its physical interactions. Tire friction, suspension bounce, weight distribution, and horsepower efficiency just to start. I’d argue that this lends to a much greater tendency for natural mistakes to occur, as the two different simulations (vehicle and player) interact and bounce off of each other. This has led to racing games relying on a handicap known as “rubberbanding.” Essentially, if the player is doing a little too well, the game will start giving tiny advantages to the computer-controlled racer. A boost to top speed, a reduction in weight to improve handling, whatever it takes to ensure the player does not remain unchallenged for very long.

Which finally, at long last, brings us to Hotshot Racing. Developed by Lucky Mountain Games, with assistance by Sumo Digital, it attempts to capitalize on the growing faux-retro-3D trend. It promises visuals to remind you of Sega’s Virtua Racing or Namco’s Ridge Racer, but with decidedly modern vehicle physics and a bit more content than any of those old games could muster.

It honestly makes for a weird first impression. This is a retro-looking game that does not feel like any retro racing game I’ve ever played. Some would undoubtedly argue that’s for the better; like with most sports games, there’s this sense that more simulation is always better. Even modern “arcade” racers like Need for Speed or Wreckfest run pretty robust physics simulations under their hoods, even if they do not necessarily adhere to the rules of reality. But I’ve honestly never seen a problem with this -- I will readily go back to something like Daytona USA or even Stunt Race FX on the Super Nintendo, and never feel especially bothered by their primitive simulations. To me, racing is often more about the sense of speed, how well the controls respond, and the track design than any notion of feeling “realistic.”

That’s not to say it’s really a negative that cars in Hotshot Racing have some vague facsimile of modern weight and “realism” applied to their driving physics, I guess. It’s just something that takes a little bit of getting used to, because seeing these cars drift and sway like the racing games of today is a little anachronistic to the era being called back to. If you still burn a candle for the eventual release of the long-lost Kickstarter darling “90’s Arcade Racer,” know that this isn’t that game. I think it’s fair to say it’s trying to scratch a similar itch, but it’s doing so in a very different way.

One of the more important things Hotshot Racing brings to the table is a roster of personalities to race as and against. When you think of characters in a racing game, your mind probably more naturally gravitates towards something like Mario Kart or some other similarly kid-friendly cartoon racing franchise. For most "serious" racing games, your opponents are unknowable, faceless competitors, but Hotshot gives them voices and identities. Every character in the game has a garage of four cars unique to them, in addition to having their own story to tell. It’s nothing especially deep; most plot manifests in a single cutscene played at the end of a given grand prix, sort of like what you'd get for finishing arcade mode in a game like Street Fighter 2. It’s just a snippet, a taste of what motivated these people and what they’re going to do after winning, but it’s enough.

It goes back to what I said earlier, and how it’s important for the player to believe the artificial intelligence is more than just a computer. Making the racers into characters, with identifiable personalities, faces, and dialog goes a long way to fleshing things out and makes you connect with what’s going on just a little bit better. Or at least, that’s how things would work in theory.

The problem is… well, none of that matters. Put simply, the actual artificial intelligence you race against kind of sucks. In fact, it’s hard to even call them competitors, because your opponents seem to be running a different race where you straight up don’t exist. During any given event, your rival computer drivers seem to be totally blind to your presence, as they will spend the entire race trying to drive straight through you. I don’t know how else to explain it. This isn’t a simple case where the computer drivers are a little aggressive, because they usually aren’t racing to be destructive. They never seem to specifically go out of their way to attack, they just don’t seem to be able to see where you are, and make no effort to react to your presence. You happen to be in their way, so they plow through from behind, ram from the side, and generally just knock you around as if you were invisible.

A side effect to this is something I’ve started noticing in games that bear the Sumo Digital name: computer drivers can hit you way harder than you can hit them back. Whether rubbing against a rival car or engaging in a full-on collision, computer drivers always seem to be able to overpower player vehicles no matter what. In Hotshot Racing, I’ve encountered multiple scenarios where a computer driver shoves me around with little effort, but any attempts to return the favor and my car may as well be made out of styrofoam for how little impact there is. I know Sumo Digital only assisted Lucky Mountain Games on the back half of developing Hotshot Racing, but this has been a consistent element I’ve noticed in Sumo’s Sonic Racing games, too. The computer can be as aggressive (or as blind) as they want, but human players are never allowed to retaliate in a way that feels meaningful.

The worst, by far, is what I mentioned earlier: rubberbanding. “First place” in Hotshot Racing is an often endless war of attrition, where no matter how fast you drive, there are always cars nipping at your heels. Hotshot Racing has a boost system, wherein by drifting or drafting you charge up a segmented meter. Once a segment is full, you can burn it for a burst of speed. I’ve spent 2, 3, even 4 consecutive boosts in a row and the same three opponents were still right behind me, aiming to blindly smash my car out of the way. Hard, medium, or easy mode, it doesn’t matter. They are always there, just a few feet from your rear bumper, magically closing the distance to constantly steal your lead.

From a game design perspective, I understand why rubberbanding exists. It’s to keep the player feeling challenged and engaged. Spending too long in first place going unopposed can start to feel boring. Some game designers view that as a turn off. Races are meant to be battles. At the same time, being able to totally shut out my opponents and gain huge leads makes me feel good. Hotshot Racing robs you of that sense of total domination because of some artificial rule of competitiveness. It’s not that the computer-controlled racers are better than you; they don’t seem to race with any sort of great care or skill. Instead, they catch up and pass you strictly because the Hand of God bends the rules to accommodate them. That doesn’t feel very challenging and it certainly doesn’t feel fair.

That being said, the pseudo-realistic physics mentioned earlier do have their own downside: I found it a little too easy to lose control of my vehicle and spin out. If you brush against a wall wrong or get bumped by a rival during a drift, you often find yourself in a tailspin and unable to recover. Combined with the blind artificial intelligence and the rubberbanding, you have a recipe for getting frustrated. I want to feel confident in my losses, not because I couldn’t predict what Mr. Magoo was going to do next. To add insult to injury, the rubberbanding only gets more prominent as you move up in difficulty, so expect to get spun out more and more as you progress through the game.

There also isn’t a lot to do with your vehicles, either. For many, tuning is an important aspect of racing games, going all the way back to 1989’s “Super Off Road” in the arcades. No upgrade path is available for any of the vehicles in Hotshot Racing, with a basic unlock system geared towards limited cosmetic tweaks. There's tons of tracks to race on, and you constantly earn currency for winning races, but I never cared about spending any of it, because there wasn't much worth buying. Arguably the specific mid-90′s era that Hotshot Racing is aiming at wasn’t really heavy on upgrading or modifying around vehicle stats, but neither were they focused on visual customization either, so it does feel a little arbitrary what they chose to modernize about this experience and what is intended to be a retro tribute.

Beyond standard racing, Hotshot does offer a few alternative modes, but none of them are spotlight features. “Barrel Barrage” has you earning an explosive barrel to drop behind you at every checkpoint until the track becomes a minefield. “Drive or Explode” takes the concept of 1994’s “Speed” and straps a bomb to your car that will explode if you slow down for too long. Finally, “Cops & Robbers” is a confusing push-and-pull where you must steal money as a robber and alternatively wreck other racers as a police officer. Of the three modes, “Drive or Explode” is the clear winner, as it most easily fits into the standard three-lap structure the game centers around. “Barrel Barrage” is merely okay, and benefits more from an increased number of laps, as things slowly get more and more dangerous as you progress. These modes would also benefit if I didn’t get thrown back to the menu after every race; they really needed some kind of Grand-Prix-style playlist.

“Cops & Robbers” deserves its own entire paragraph for what a weird idea it is. It’s less about stealing and arresting and has more in common with the “zombie” modes seen in other games, where everyone gets converted to a specific team until there are no more players left. The idea is that you start with a pot of money that slowly depletes, and you have to race to the next checkpoint to cash out. The faster you get there and the higher amounts you cash out with, the more the cops specifically will target you. Once they wreck your car, you become one of the cops, and it’s your job to wreck the remaining robbers until they all become part of the cop team. Once all the robbers become cops, winners are tallied based on who stole the most money. On paper, this works, because it plays into the game’s slap-happy nature, but in practice I would find myself miles ahead of my fellow robbers and once I finally switched over to a cop, I had to slam on my brakes and wait for everyone else to catch up. By then, the computer-controlled cops had usually done most of my work for me and I lost for... being a better robber than a cop, somehow? It left a lot to be desired.

All of these modes can be played online, where presumably human players would make them more balanced and fun, but finding random pick-up games proved difficult in the time I spent with Hotshot Racing. Now, to be fair, I didn’t try especially hard -- racing games have always been a single player experience for me, as should be obvious by my spiel on artificial intelligence. But I did spend a couple nights trying to match into an online “Quick Race” on the Switch, where I universally came up empty handed. On the PC version of Hotshot Racing (which I received as part of a Humble Bundle), the application completely froze upon trying to start a “Quick Race” lobby, forcing me to ALT+F4 to close the game. For what it’s worth, the Switch version does also include a “local multiplayer” option for playing wirelessly with friends in the same room, and all versions support traditional split-screen.

Despite all of these shortcomings, I just can’t bring myself to hate Hotshot Racing, and it’s hard to pinpoint why. I’m definitely in love with this aesthetic -- the retro visuals, the upbeat music, the blue, blue skies (that I see), it all appeals to a certain part of my brain that likes razor-sharp, ultra-clean polygons. The introduction of named racers with backstories and character-specific “endings” is a really smart, fun idea. I just wish it was more fun to actually, like… run a race in this game. I understand the necessity behind concepts like rubberbanding, but it feels like the artificial intelligence cheats just a little too much, and as a player I don’t feel like I can do a lot to fight back. Running a good race isn’t always good enough.

Some games deliberately incite a feeling of disempowerment in their players, and that can be a totally valid design decision. But should that really be the goal of this kind of racing game? I guess I don’t have an answer for that, but I do know that I probably won’t be going back to Hotshot Racing very often.

#writing #review #hotshot racing #lucky mountain games #sumo digital #artificial intelligence #racing apex

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incompletionism · 3 years

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Hands On with... The Outbound Ghost

“Back after so many years?” booms a mysterious voice as we’re transported to an otherworldly realm, filled with glowing orbs that speed towards the titular spook of The Outbound Ghost, “I wonder how you’ve changed.”. Whoever they are, they could just as easily be talking about the Paper Mario series that inspired the game.

Originally an RPG spinoff of the core Mario games, the Paper Mario games soon became a strong series in their own right, characterised by witty dialogue and 2D sprites in a papery 3D world. As the series went on, the games began to move away from their stat-based RPG roots and closer and closer to puzzle/action/exploration hybrids.

This, plus the introduction of new and often intrusive gimmicks in each subsequent entry from Super Paper Mario’s flip mechanic on-wards, alienated a lot of the series’ original fans.

Fans of the first two (Paper Mario on the N64 and The Thousand Year Door on the Gamecube), have since taken matters in their own hands, most notably 2020’s Bug Fables, but with The Outbound Ghost’s Kickstarter coming to an end tomorrow, I thought it was time I took at this promising successor to TTYD’s throne.

The demo (Currently available on Steam!) begins with a car careening down a quiet country road at night. Suddenly, the screen cuts to black and we hear the shriek of tires before a ghost steps out of the flaming wreck.

A cute, blue-glowing 2D sprite that wouldn’t look out of place in a Paper Mario Ghost Mansion, the nameless ghost wears a simple, often neutral, expression and a little tuft of hair. This baby-faced apparition reminds me of Casper the Friendly Ghost just a tad, and the thick white borders around this and every other character sprite calls to mind the borders of stickers, which fits the paper theme well.

Although the first impression of it is consumed by fire, I have to say now that the world in this game is gorgeous. Each individual blade of grass wafts in the breeze and makes the world feel like our own, rather than a series of dioramas. Whether that’s going to be a bridge too far for fans of Paper Mario’s handcrafted world, I’m not sure, but it certainly means this would not run on the N64, and I have to confess that my laptop struggled at times, which makes me question how well it’ll run on the Switch.

That’s a shame, as The Outbound Ghost’s controls feel like they’re better suited for a console than a PC. Even though it uses the classic WASD/arrow keys and you have some kind of crystal that allows you to dash with the space bar, one glaring example of this was when equipping a shovel. Each of the four slots were at 45-degree angles, which was not the most intuitive thing to navigate with four directions, but would be a breeze with an analogue stick.

Also easier with more than four directions to move in are what I call the “faint and have an out-of-(non)body experience in a weird purple dimension where orbs and a mysterious voice just won’t leave you alone” sections. Two of these appear in the demo, and both of them award you with a Brave or Timid soul (represented by a yellow or blue puddle in your inventory) based on how many orbs you let hit you. This feels rather counterintuitive considering the bullet hell sections, which involve dodging projectiles heading your way as usual.

Fans of Danganronpa and Undertale will recognise the bullet hell mechanics well - you control an icon representing you (a mini silhouette of our spirit here) and do your best to dodge a series of obstacles coming your way. These take the place of turn-based combat in The Outbound Ghost and come between dialogue options that slowly fill the meter at the top of the screen.

The only example of this in the demo is a scene involving helping an Outbound resident through the stages of grief over her death. On each turn, you have the choice of three verbs along the lines of Insult, Console, and Explain to best respond to their current stage.

Common sense usually serves you well here - don’t insult an angry person to reason with them, for example - but the choices being coloured Red, Purple and Green does muddy the waters a little. None of the dialogue exchanged in this segment is actually seen, which does detach you from the impact of your choice, even if there’s only one right answer to progress.

I’ve been keeping things light on plot so far, but I’ll divulge a bit now. After you leave the aforementioned car wreck and head into the town of Outbound, you encounter the local (deceased) teen detective, Michael McFly, who suspects you of murdering the entire town some time ago.

You play as the accused ghost, who conveniently has forgotten everything about themself except their name, which is where you come in. As far as immersion goes, a lot of RPGs go the “amnesiac protagonist that you can name” route, but most offer a canon default name (think Chrono in Chrono Trigger) or easter eggs for certain names, neither of which I could find here. However, the ghost is referred to exclusively with they/them pronouns, so absolutely anyone can put themselves in the spectre’s proverbial shoes.

Outside of regular world traversal and picking up everything not nailed down, there are a couple of other mechanics revealed in the demo that I haven’t mentioned yet.

A couple of times, you’re faced with a locked door or gate and have to collect enough lockpicks to complete a slide puzzle, which involves getting cylinders of metal out of the way of a key so you can push it to the lock. Later puzzles involved tilting a 3D box (officially dubbed the girabox) to fit a square peg into its respective hole, so I imagine the full game will push puzzles even further.

Beyond that, star-shaped pads appear on the ground towards the end of the demo, allowing you to traverse the way back to the town with a spot of platforming. A Cards section can be found on the game’s menu, which will be part of the Spades n Souls minigame in the full game.

Over the course of 30 minutes, the demo introduced me to the majority of characters and possibly locations, but I have the feeling that a lot of the game will be spent fleshing out each of their backstories.

Utterly charming and a sight to behold, The Outbound Ghost is certain to make waves next year, but I do wonder which platform it’ll be at home on. Initially aiming for the Switch and PC, the lower technical capacity of the former and the unsuited control scheme of the latter do suggest that its stretch goals of PS and XBox will be the superior versions. But then, it is being ported to phones too, so hopefully I’ll be proven wrong when it releases.

The Kickstarter has a hair under a day of funding left to go, so jump in now if you want to support the project. Do you think this game will be the answer to the question “Where’s my Paper Mario?” or will the lack of traditional RPG elements alienate fans of the series?

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cardandpixel · 4 years

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Die of the Dead - A KickStarter preview

2-5 Players, apx 40min, dice manipulation/area control, Radical8 Games Designers: James Allen and Mark Stockton-Pitt Artwork: Rusembell AS EVER THIS IS NOT A PAID/REIMBURSED PREVIEW, C&P just like the game a lot! Halloween in the UK means cheap masks at Asda, not answering the door for 5 days after 6pm, and eating all the bagged sweets you bought with no intention of ever giving out. For me as a sound designer and composer, it also means hours upon hours of sitting in front of a sequencer from August onwards creating sounds and characters with the sole intent of scaring the behecksus out of the general public. This year is going to be a weird one, with that little viral beastie still kicking around, so a few game nights playing monster and ghost games might be on the cards instead. We like to think of Halloween as a big deal in Europe and N America, but for residents of Central and South America, the end of October is a much more cultural affair. Nov 1st & 2nd sees the celebration of Dia de Muertes – The Day of the Dead. What strikes you first about anything to do with the celebration is the sheer splendour of colour and design. Just about everything involved with the celebration is a panoply of vibrancy, echoing the central philosophy of the holiday of celebrating, not mourning, the souls of those who have passed. What also struck me, was the playfulness of the festivities which often include sharing not just good stories of beloved friends and relatives, but often the funny and ridiculous, even foolish stories of their lives too. Though cultural misappropriation is a very lively topic in boardgames at the moment (and rightly so – 3Minute Boardgames’ current work on respectful handling of the Māori culture in games is a good example, as well as the many discussions over slavery portrayal as part of the #BLM dialogue). The joy, colour and playfulness of Dia de Muertes lends itself more comfortably as a subject for a potential boardgame to me – and yet, there are surprisingly few. Two in a relatively short list are the new version of Skull (though in design only), and the 2017 card game Dia de los Muertos. ARTISTIC DESIGN/COMPONENTS So, loving the aesthetic of the celebration as I do, I was drawn immediately to a small table at Airecon this year where an explosion of colour greeted us to the game Die of the Dead from Radical 8 Games. Die of the Dead is a dice manipulation / area control game where players take the roles of friendly spirits, gently guiding the souls of the departed up the marigold steps and back into the land of the living for the festival. The first player to have one of their souls reach the village step of the altar, is the winner. I’m shameless in my admission that I’m going to be more interested in a game that looks great – I know, but I can’t deny it. Die of the Dead had me hooked immediately. It looks utterly beautiful and features some astonishingly original components. What I hadn’t realised until I dug a little deeper, was how far-reaching this design goes. Radical 8 have not merely lifted a beautiful design aesthetic from a cultural phenomenon (unlike many who slap on sugar skull make up for Halloween, blissfully unaware of any deeper significance), but have done this game – properly. The design, the gameplay, the mechanics, and the components are all deeply inspired by the celebration and in an impressively respectful way.

Just taking the components as a starting point: The tokens – incense, candles, bread and marigolds are all significant gifts laid on the beautiful altars during the festival – the marigolds or cempasủchil especially are highly significant, their scent said to guide souls back to their family homes, an idea echoed in the mechanical use of the token. The 3D stepped altar (or ofrendas) – is highly suggestive of both the domestic and public stepped altars that are laid out with colourful gifts for the dead, again, echoed beautifully in the game. The player boards – these are holding sites for souls before their ascendency. The dice – are representations of the souls themselves and their movement around the board is highly thematic of the journeys that friends and relatives’ souls make over the festivities. The caskets – are both beautifully rendered solid boxes, but also functional as dice shakers / hidden resource boxes – each highly thematically and individually decorated.

It’s truly difficult to know where to start with this game as it has all been done so very well. The press pack for the forthcoming Kickstarter even cites the involvement of a cultural advisor and a Mexican artist, Rusembell on the project, and it shines through on everything to do with this game. It’s a lot of time, trouble and thoughtful effort that should be envied by many other designers. No opportunity to reflect the splendour of the festival has been wasted at all in the design of this game, and Radical 8 should be very proud.

GAMEPLAY But no game is really safe from scrutiny of its mechanics, no matter how beautiful it is, and happily, Die of the Dead does not disappoint here either. In Die of the Dead, the players are each trying to guide their supply of souls (dice) from their home player board, via the caskets, to their final destination on the 3D altar at the end of the play area, back to the land of the living. Players will prepare their souls, add them to caskets, undergo a number of ‘area control’ style comparisons and finally, ascend their souls onto the steps of the altar where they may be rewarded with gifts or abilities.

The 4 caskets are the real heart of the game. It is here that most of the player interaction takes place, and it uses a clever and unique little mechanism to transport souls from the first casket to their eventual goal on the altar steps. Players will be adding their dice (souls) to the open first casket and from there on, the caskets are in constant motion. A player will take one action on their turn, by selecting a casket and carrying out the action associated with it. Each casket location has a different action, and these are noted on cards numbered 1-4 underneath the caskets themselves. Each casket also has a secondary ‘consequence’ action at the bottom of the card. Casket position 1 – players can add 3 prepared souls or 1 ‘free’ (unprepared) soul. If there are 2 players’ souls in the casket, the casket is shaken, if there’s a 1 rolled – move the casket along.

Casket position 2 – players may prepare 2 souls. The casket is then shaken and the souls compared (a variant on area majority) and the winner prepares another soul. If a 1 is rolled, the casket moves along.

Casket position 3 – the casket is shaken straight away, any duplicate souls are removed leaving 1 soul per player min in the casket. The player then takes a token, allowing additional abilities.

Casket position 4 – the casket is shaken and the souls compared again. 2 of the winner’s souls are ‘ascended’ to the altar steps. The casket is then either: moved along, a power soul gained (more later) or 1 of your own souls ascended to the steps.

Once again – this shifting and constant play for majority also feels very thematic to me and reminiscent of the playfulness of the festival itself “Oh our Uncle was so argumentative, he could have a fight in his own coffin!” I only noticed going through the rulebook that this was actually reflected in the artwork on the action cards, but when I was playing the demo I recall thinking that each of the locations was a little like a different aspect of the soul’s journey. Arrival, sorting, a little tussle with your neighbours and finally ascendancy. Always nice when a game rewards you like that by confirming you got the idea right! The use of the dice is interesting and once you get your head round the travel of the caskets, can provoke some immensely strategic decision making. Only 3 dice can be held in preparation, so the timing of free slots for preparation or potential return of dice from losing roll comparisons in the caskets makes for some very complex chain decisions (which then, of course, can be overturned in a second by another player’s actions). Dice in your pool are considered ‘free souls’ and usually have to be prepared before the caskets, but Casket 1 allows a free soul a ‘bye’ which is useful if you have no prepared souls or have no empty slots. There are also ‘Power Souls’ which can be won on the altar or selected by the Casket 4 action. These have a skull in place of the 3 & 4 and are considered wild in comparison rolls. Ascending souls means bringing them into the family altar – the very cool 3D steps at the end of the table. The first ascended soul goes on an empty space on stair 1. A player may select which bonus space would be best for them. The more players land on stair 1, the less choice of bonus, until the final player in a 5 pl game, who has to use an empty space with no bonus. As soon as a soul is placed on the 9th step, the game ends and the player who owns that soul is the winner (ie not the person who placed it – who may well be different due to Casket 4’s secondary action) This feels like a game that warrants replay to improve your strategy each time, though you are still delightfully at the whim of player interaction. This sort of ‘out of my hands’ game really appeals to me, it prevents run-away leads, often levels play a little and makes for much more fun for less experienced players. I like that skill is rewarded, but that it is not the sole way to win. The tokens are won either from Casket 4 or again as an ascendancy bonus. The tokens boards are double sided: Side A being a generally simpler action; Side B for a more strategic game. Eg The Candle on side A allows the caskets to simply be moved along, however, Side B allows 2 adjacent caskets to be swapped. Again, this allows for some much deeper strategic gameplay – especially tokens which allow ‘peeking’ into the caskets. I have a notoriously terrible memory and lost track of what souls I had in what caskets very quickly so a mitigating token I could use at just the right moment was really useful.

CONCLUSION York-based Radical 8 don’t have a huge back catalogue as yet, but Die of the Dead deserves to do really well as it’s an absolute belter and hopefully the start of great things to come. I’m not going to lie, there were a few times during the shortened demo, where the game was a lot to take in, but that’s as much about the way I learn games as the game itself. I learn best from going step-by-step thru the rules whilst shuffling pieces around and there just isn’t time for that in the scope of a convention demo (though the guys were amazingly patient and very clear with their explanation) – I did keep running to the casket ability cards during the demo though, so I have to hope they might put a small set of player aids in the box for 53 yr olds who are sat at the end of a 5pl table (hint). The game packs a satisfying amount of gameplay into its relatively small box, and the quality of the components is insanely good. I would happily play the handmade version from Airecon, but I’m guessing the final production will be even better.

It scratches a lot of gaming itches for me: variations in play each turn; lots of decision making; huge numbers of routes to winning; a nice bit of player interaction; and a decent chunk of screw-over and luck that means you can always blame someone else for your bad gameplay. I like the attempts to make for a simpler initial game, especially as there is a lot to keep track of in your first game. The player boards are actually doubled sided allowing an asymmetric start bonus for each player, and of course, the Token cards are double sided also. I appreciate efforts such as these as I think it helps newer gamers, slow learners (like me) and more casual gamers alike. I also appreciate the Open Casket variant which allows potentially for some much more devious play. However – there’s always a dark side, and it wouldn’t be fair to let this go in a balanced overview. Yes, the game has a fairly steep learning curve and a lot of concepts to take in from the get-go, but any game with a lot of strategic depth can have that same issue and so long as you don’t mind that, this game is no different from many others. But, my big issue is the one that has dogged mine and ‘Ers gaming life for years – 2 player variants. Die of the Dead does class itself as 2-5 player, and honestly, without going too much under the hood, I can’t really see a reason why it shouldn’t work normally at 2 players, but that’s for the designers to tell me as I’ve doubtless missed something. But…. The solution suggested in the box is one of my least favourite ways of solving the 2pl issue – effectively a dummy hand. My feeling on this solution has always been – if a game needs a dummy hand, then it doesn’t actually play at that player count. Especially here, as there is actually little stopping the dummy hand from winning. Nothing says you played a crap game more than the dummy hand actually winning. I’m genuinely hoping Radical 8 can come up with a much better solution for this between the KS campaign, and the final release. It’s worth it as it strikes me as an ideal 2pl game. It also feels to me like a great ‘strategic beer & pretzels’ game – of which I guarantee there are very few. It’s not far off as far as I can see, which is why the current rulebook 2pl solution feels so clamped on with my sort of standard of welding. It seems particularly odd especially when so much variation in the game has been offered for higher/lower strategy. I only have a preview copy of the rulebook at the moment, and I had to read it thoroughly to make sure I’d recalled the game correctly - and I know there’s a lot of time between now and delivery, but it’s already a pretty decent rulebook and one that I’d feel confident learning the game from scratch from. It’s very clear and describes some quite complex ideas very clearly. I sincerely wish Radical 8 well with this on Kickstarter when it launches on August 25th 2020. The price looks to be about £27 + shipping, which feels like an absolute bargain for a game that’s been this well presented. It’s a lot of game for your money both design-wise and strategically and I would heartily recommend at least paying the page a visit. Happy gaming y’all!

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/radical8games/die-of-the-dead

Photo attributions: Beautiful game pics - Ross Connell (moregamesplease) @moregamespls Catrina image - By Paolaricaurte - Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0 Altar image - By AmbarCCPM - Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0 Artwork: Rusembell @Rusembell rusembell.deviantart.com Other images – official rulebook and our own.

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turingtestr · 4 years

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mobile post of all my information for the anon who wanted a mobile rules / bio. i could make a google docs but i’m burnt out. please also note, i haven’t even GLANCED at my bio i wrote for elijah since 2018, so uh... i should probably do that. sorry if it’s bad.

ONE. due to the nature of my roleplaying style, there will absolutely be mature themes here and there on this blog. all and any mature themes that involve sexual topics of the nsfw variety will only be written with muses that are 18+. as for those people that are 18+ that follow me, i fully understand if you do not want to write any nsfw content, and if any threads lead to that we can fade to black. just ask me, i’m fairly easy going and more than happy to make people feel welcome. it is not a requirement to rp nsfw content with me and i will never force anyone to do that. !

TWO. this is a selective/private blog. i really only roleplay with mutuals, however you’re more than welcome to reply to any of my open starters if i specify that you can but just know i might not reply because i (1) don’t know your muse, (2) have zero muse for the reply and will get to it later, (3) have no interest in the thread, or (4) am uncomfortable with something on your blog. roleplaying is also a HOBBY for me. i work full time and sometimes i genuinely cannot reply fast. if you hassle me to reply to things, i will not want to roleplay with you and it will turn me off from roleplaying with you completely. in fact, if you harrass me to reply to threads, i will automatically unfollow you because i’m not about that life of being pushed to reply to things. if you spam my follow button to try and get my attention, that will result in a soft block on your behalf. please don’t test my patience. if you do not have your ooc name on your page i will not follow you, due to me thinking hiding your ooc alias is shady and sketchy af.

THREE. i love shipping and i love roleplaying so much. this is not a single ship blog and none of the ships i portray are at the same time (unless further discussed with muns, of course).MY PRIMARY CHLOE SHIPPING PARTNER IS @TURINGTESTEE, which means that if kamski mentions chloe in a verse, he's most likely talking about this chloe. if there are any verses that kamski is going to have one single ship, i will make sure to let people know that in the verse description section once i make it. otherwise, my muse is a free for all. if i do have mains, which will be listed, they are just the people i will reply to the most, however, i won't actually limit myself to only roleplaying with them and i hope my mains respect and are comfortable with that.

FOUR. tagging triggers is something that means a lot to me as i am not comfortable with NEEDLES OR PUPPETS on my dashboard so i blacklist needles tw and puppets tw. i know it’s weird but hey, we all have our things. please let me know if you need anything tagged- even if i don’t personally follow you. you deserve a clean and safe dashboard to roleplay in. WARNING.

FIVE.anon hate will be deleted on the spot. no exceptions. i don’t care about your petty feelings and i won’t tolerate them in the slightest. i’m not here to entertain horrible people’s opinions of myself. constructive criticisms are allowed, but at the respect of myself reblogging a meme asking for it specifically.

SIX. mutuals are allowed to ask for my wire or discord, since i use both and would love to rp on both. i also play dead by daylight on ps4, so if you’d be down to game as well, feel free to hit me up there too! overwatch on ps4 is ITSGEOFFREY so you can add me there too.

SEVEN. i very rarely will send in passwords, as i do not require it and i should not have to be tested on your blog to be allowed to roleplay with someone. usually if you have a password, i genuinely just didn’t think to look for it and i apologize if this upsets you but you probably won’t see any from me.

EIGHT. please take into consideration while dealing with kamski that he has high signs of NPD & a huge god complex.

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BIOGRAPHY

NAME: Elijah Dean Kamski ALIASES: Eli, Lij, Boss, Kamski GENDER: Male AFFILIATION: Cyberlife Technologies, currently retired AGE: 36

THE START

there's many days where the kamski family would have a bit of struggles, as elijah grew up. he never knew much about his father, seeing as his father passed when he was a very young boy — no more than six. he'd never grown to know too much about him, and his mother didn't overly want to share about him, so it was safe to say the woman had a reason for not telling elijah and that was that.

growing up with a single mother who had severe epilepsy, elijah tried his very hardest to make his mother's life as easy as possible. school days would be very short considering he'd go straight home from school in order to watch after his mother. some days with his mother, depending on the medication the doctors had recommended her, would be better than others. she always appreciated her son's committment to being with her and he was determined to make life easy on the two of them. using the money she got from the state, she'd try to urge her son go into extra cirricular activiies he wanted to do, however he only dismissed the ideas, claiming that he'd rather be home. he'd use the money to spend on textbooks, wanting to develop his own version of a Vagus nerve stimulation device. one that would make sure to surge with electrical pulses before his mother even remotely had to move herself to activate the device. computer engineering was his goal, and he'd stop at nothing to get through that.

as life continued on, elijah continued to shove his head into books and continuously study. he pushed through high school faster than anyone had expected, at age ELEVEN he had shown his studies to multipile colleges, showing his theories on how to better create medical devices.

THE CHANGE

the university of colbridge had been a struggle for elijah, being the youngest student there. studying medical engineering was easy, and he had decided to double major in computer engineering as well, to perhaps attempt to integrate the two. though school was difficult, the hardest part was being away from his mother. the school had refused to let him travel back and forth, saying that freshmen had to stay on campus as apart of regulations and requirements from the state. when he started college, his mother had decidded upon asking the state for a caregiver- on the off chance that something did happen. with the VNS that was already implanted in her, she was able to have a job during the day, but the caretaker was supposed to just oversee her during the nights. it settled eli's anxiety about his mother a little bit. four months into his freshman year, eli had woken up to a call from the san antonio police, letting him know that his mother had been rushed to the hospital after having a grand mal seizure and hitting her head on their marble counters. apparently the caretaker assigned to look after his mother hadn't even shown up that night. he quickly rushed home, terrified what had happened.

something, however that night had turned elijah into a bitter person. into someone against humanity. though his mother had survived the seizure, things weren't the same for either of them. after knowing his mother's caretaker had ABANDONED her, elijah had fully decided to go more into engineering to create a way for humans to be more reliable. what was more reliable than humanity? MACHINES. something that would always obey. obedient machines that had a purpose and a task and would see it through. dropping fully out of medical engineering, elijah settled for computer science and engeineering instead. the utter drive to create a better human than humans themselves was so strong that by the age sixteen, elijah had worked together with a team of classmates to create the first medical assistant androids. REVOLUTIONARY KICKSTARTER model 100, or RK for short. RK100 was born and tested on his mother, who seeemed quite uneasy, but only wanted to support her son.

ENTER CYBERLIFE

though it wasn't perfect, the ark series took off. mainly piquing interest in san diego, california. the backbones of the mega-billion dollar company that would be founded by elijah kamski and his cohorts suddenly had at least three hundred backers trying to support the small business after seeing what a success the RK100 was at being not only a companion for his mother, but also how helpful the RK was at it's job. the medical caretakers were able to do so much, and suddenly with the money that was being thrown at the group, elijah became more than enthused with power. hungry for it, almost.

making more medical related androids were being highly requested, and the team set out to create diffrent functions for androids, trying to perfect everything.

taking into consideration his mother — his finest mentor and most trusted support, and what she thought of the androids, he sought out to consult with his old AI professor, Amanda Stern, on how to make the androids a bit more lifelike. It was hard, at least for what his mother admitted, for a human to trust a machine that looked like a machine to help themselves out through life. upon her advice, eli threw himself into work, the team of cyberlife growing into a business, and then a wide scale company alongside elijah's work. no matter what, the man was the front of the company, having done the majority of the coding and research in what brought the androids to life. the company sought after targeting the cheapest land developments in the united states in order to make their headquarters and warehouses, bringing CYBERLIFE to DETROIT, MICHIGAN where it currently resides.

it takes kamski four years after founding cyberlife to come out with a brand new appearance for his androids. something human like after struggling and struggling to engineer the perfect components to theorize biological functions. this equiptment created became biocompotenents, but it still wasn't enough to make thes he was creating look HUMAN. but after all the struggles and finally figuring out a way to regulate something akin to blood into the android's system, elijah kamski in the year 2022 releases the RT REVOLUTIONARY TURING model; a personal assistant to elijah kamski that uses the alias ' CHLOE '. Cyberlife has been thurst into the spotlight and once again Elijah Kamski realizes that these advancements in the world have honestly made people envious. the public demands the rights to these androids and while he still is bitter over humanity and the lack of reliabilty that humans provide for the world, he obliges. Cyberlife goes public with their androids and the public are now able to put a price tag on androids.

THE REVOLUTION

the world that assumes elijah kamski is nothing but a greedy, power-hungry boss of a CEO for cyberlife overlooks one important fact: he still wants revenge on the world. his mother passes on at the age 43, a few years before his greatest mentor amanda stern passes. the loss of both role models awakens a vengeful force in elijah kamski. one that wants to remind the world that mortality is relevant for all. cyberlife has created over thousands of models, all for different functions and he looks upon his kingdom with hopeful eyes as well as bitterness. humanity has become less reliant. they've become lazier. androids have become the working force, for the most part, and while elijah sees that as a positive note because it is moving forward away from the laziness and unreliability of humanity — the CEO is fully aware that his androids are becoming more and more human like the more and more they develop. the deviant base code is never once touched. always overlooked by cyberlife developers who dare not touch the work of the first working android made by elijah kamski himself. while he's aware he, himself, is mortal just like the rest of humanity, seeing his creations become sentient, to rise up against the laziness and unreliable humanity that he lives among has been his goal. he just awaits the REVOLUTIONARY KICKSTARTER 200 to actually get pushed to the brink of going through his code.

now it's just a game of waiting to see who pushes who, and who comes up on top. it's always a delight to play god.

THE SIBLING ALTERNATE UNIVERSE

i'm not going to be writing a brand new biography for the gavin / elijah brothers universe, but i need to work out how they can be related with my current bio, or i might just go off of a gavin's biography. shrug emote.

#〉 your save file has become corrupted. / OUT OF CHARACTER

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zenonaa · 5 years

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Lazy Mornings

According to various studies, the average adult slept for less than seven hours per night. However, just because a person could function with that few hours of sleep didn’t mean a person functioned to their greatest potential. On the flipside, too much sleep could indicate a problem too. Not in a ‘it’ll give you heart problems’ sort of way, but in an ‘are you sleeping so much because of another issue such as depression?’ sort of way.

And that, dear reader, was why Mikan was awake so early in the morning, preparing lunch for Chiaki Nanami. In a society that moved as quickly as it did, many people didn’t have time for a proper meal before they needed to whizz off to school or work or whatever else. Then later at lunch, they either brought something from home or purchased something fast and convenient rather than something good for them.

Without going into a spiel about the importance of breakfast and diets, Mikan therefore had taken a lot into account when deciding to do this for Chiaki, who treated her so kindly. Presently, breakfast was on standby on the counter. It consisted of white rice, fried tofu in miso soup, curry-flavoured chicken and a bowl of vegetables mixed with soy and egg.

As for right now, she was working on lunch. Her tongue peeked out of her pursed lips as she concentrated on fixing up onigiri so it resembled the image in her head. Purple tissue lined the inside of the bento box, and seaweed bordered each onigiri so that the white rice nestled within a black outline. She had patted them into a square shape, rather than something round. They sat in the centre of the box, with four cheese balls and a cherry on one side, her right, while on the other side, two celery sticks were arranged into a cross shape with small cheese balls beneath them.

Once she had positioned the contents as she wanted, she carefully packed the bento box into her satchel and carried the tray of breakfast to the door leading out of the communal kitchen.

All she had to do was carry the food to Chiaki’s dorm without tripping over.

The door shut behind her. Mikan gulped and stretched out her neck.

Ask anyone who knew her and they would call her a klutz. People without a filter and strained patience would call her a clumsy oaf, who tripped and fell into awkward poses where everyone would see. She took a step forward, then another, and so on. Her heart raced. The hall was empty, with only her in it, but even if there were people around, she couldn’t trip. Absolutely not.

Mikan arrived at Chiaki’s dorm and rang the bell with the breakfast intact. No one answered. She contorted her lips and gently placed the tray by her feet so she could fish out the spare key from her pocket.

“Good morning, Tsumiki-san,” someone called out from down the hall, and she juggled the key, almost dropping it. The voice belonged to Ryouta, flanked by Nagito, Mahiru and Sonia.

A squeal popped out of Mikan. Her body jolted. Very easily, Mikan could have taken a step to the side, landing her foot in the breakfast, and consequently slipped. Then, as she lay on the floor, everyone would gather around, giving her their attention... and pity...

... but if that happened, Chiaki would have to go without the special breakfast. Mikan glanced at the door beside her. She took a breath and turned her gaze back to the others approaching her.

“G-Good morning, Mitarai-san!” she responded, bowing quickly with her hands clasped in front of herself.

The group paused beside her, all smiling.

“Are you bringing Chiaki-chan breakfast?” asked Mahiru, peering down at the tray.

“Yes!” Mikan said, and she straightened.

“That is very thoughtful of you,” complimented Sonia. “We’re going to breakfast ourselves now, and then we’re going to the arcade. You two are still coming, right?”

“Of course!” Mikan promised, nodding fervently. “And it’s thoughtful for you too! Breakfast helps kickstart your metabolism and sets a rhythm for your body, and you’re less likely to snack...”

She trailed off. Though Sonia continued grinning, Mikan thought she saw a minute change in how Sonia’s lips curved that most others would miss. It felt strained, forced.

“It is very important,” agreed Sonia, her tone not suggesting any impatience or annoyance, and she waved. “We’ll see you later then!”

The group continued down the hallway. Mikan unlocked Chiaki’s door and brought in the tray of breakfast. She wasn’t surprised when she found Chiaki still asleep in bed. Trying not to make too much noise, Mikan sat down slowly beside her before she gave Chiaki’s shoulder a shake. As sweet as Chiaki was while she slept, time never stopped passing.

Chiaki shifted and emitted a low hum.

“I brought you breakfast,” murmured Mikan with the tray on her lap.

“Too early,” grumbled Chiaki without looking over, and she tried to get comfortable again.

Mikan’s heart sank as she wondered if she had been too presumptuous. In her haste to please Chiaki, she hadn’t stopped to think whether Chiaki would even want trash like her to do this. Maybe Chiaki considered it a burden to have two meals thrust upon her, or deemed it weird, or she didn’t trust Mikan. Or maybe... maybe Chiaki didn’t feel the way that Mikan did for her.

The more Mikan thought about it, the more obvious it became to her. Chiaki’s tired, scrunched face said it all.

“Ah... I was too forward,” Mikan said, wilting. She winced and wrung her fingers, watching Chiaki continue to shuffle about. “I’m sorry... Please, feel free to throw it into the face of this weirdo...”

Chiaki stopped moving but didn’t rise right away. Some seconds rolled by before she sat up with a frown. Her eyes drifted over to the tray, with its colourful crockery and food with an inviting aroma, and she blinked.

“It looks tasty,” Chiaki mumbled, still sounding half-asleep. The compliment gave Mikan a spike of confidence, even if it was covered by a layer or three of jittery nerves.

“I d-did my best,” said Mikan. She pulled out the bento box from her satchel and passed it to Chiaki. “I made you lunch too... You usually forget to eat anything, so I thought I’d make one specially for you. I’m sorry if that’s too shameless.”

Despite not having even started breakfast, Chiaki opened the bento box. A beat passed, then her eyes widened.

“It’s like a Game Girl Advance,” said Chiaki in a whisper, referring to the layout.

Mikan nodded and felt her cheeks warm as she recalled the time when Chiaki came up to her ages ago, after Mikan had been scolded by some of the others for tripping over and landing in a humiliating position during a game of hangman. She remembered how Chiaki sat beside her and showed her how to play the game, never raising her voice even as Mikan sniffled and apologised for existing. It had been Chiaki who cheered Mikan up on that occasion. More than that, even - Mikan had been genuinely happy without having to compromise herself, grinning and laughing as they played together, and then it happened many times after that.

A smile spread across Chiaki’s face.

“I love it,” said Chiaki with strong eye contact. Her stomach rumbled. She placed her hand over it and looked at the tray. “Um... I don’t have good eye-hand coordination this early. Would you feed me breakfast? I don’t want to miss my mouth.”

Warmth became fire.

“I... Um... Of course!” Mikan tried to pick up a spoon, but for real fumbled. Still, she managed to eventually, and she fed Chiaki some miso soup along with the rest of the breakfast.

They ended up spending the whole morning on the bed, eating and playing video games.

#nanamiki #Chiaki Nanami #Mikan Tsumiki #dr3 #fanfiction #one shot #LGBT Pride Month

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1dffexchange · 5 years

Text

Here You Come Again

To: Hannah @primetimewritings

From: Fran @fromherlips

Warnings: Alcohol

Summary: kiernan reid, in truth, had no idea what she was doing. she just wanted to graduate college, find a place of her own, and try to do it without having a breakdown. but with her three meddling best friends and a complicated friendship/relationship hybrid with liam, that was starting to seem less possible with each passing day.

a (short) story about college, confusion, and copious amounts of wine.

Author’s Note: hi hannah! i’m happy the official last thing i ever write is for you!!!! love you to pieces <3

“Never have I ever seen Kier naked.”

Kiernan wasn’t sure who chucked a chunk of pizza crust at Niall first, but she saw Liam rolling his eyes in Niall’s direction before putting his remaining finger down. They both shared a look as Liam took a sip of his beer and their friend Carmen picked up the next card from the ring around the can of Natty Light in the center of the table.

King’s Cup was a staple part of any Saturday evening for Kier’s friend group. It was the pre-game before the proper pre-game which typically preceded a party which was the last step before anyone still sober enough to stay upright would head to the bars in Brooklyn or occasionally in the East Village. While some people’s goals were to get everyone beyond trashed well before the Ubers were called, Kier and Liam seemed to be the only two people smart enough to order pizzas and breadsticks for their ever-growing group of friends, sending Venmo requests out the moment they got their receipts so no one would forget.

“Six is chicks!” Carmen cheered.

“I thought six was dicks,” Niall said, his beer already in his hand before Carmen could even set the card to the side.

“We do this every single time we play,” Kier said, shaking her head. “Everyone, drink."

Nobody complained, following through the motions of the game. Liam was next to grab a card, pushing his empty pizza plate underneath the table to shield his drink from Carmen’s loose limbs. Her lightweight tendencies made her more clumsy than usual and typically sent her back to her apartment before anyone even left for the party.

“Eight is date,” he said, flashing the card to the circle. Kier knew what was coming before he even his mouth, so she grabbed her poorly made vodka soda and held it out in his direction to cheers. “Kier, you know me so well.”

“If only she was your real date,” Niall sighed, propping his chin onto his closed fists while he batted his eyelashes at them.

Kier and Liam ignored his antics while they took their respective drinks. They weren’t any strangers to Niall’s comments. They had started sometime during the spring semester of their freshmen year and hadn’t seemed to stop since, long after Liam and Kier stopped being a “thing.”

Well, she would use a “thing” loosely. Being A Thing meant that they were exclusive and together. Kiernan and Liam were, in fact, never together. Not officially, that is. They spent a lot of time in each other’s beds and hanging out casually, but she thought the terms “friends with benefits” and “no strings attached” were much more appropriate.

That was, until they decided to call it quits. Liam dated someone else exclusively for six months before she broke up with him after she graduated and Kiernan had a string of short-lived exclusive relationships which usually led her to not feeling sad enough about her failed romances yet still somehow ended drunk at a bar where she’d makeout with someone new, even if she didn’t want to.

Their friends tried to ask if things were weird between them ever but Kier usually just laughed. Things couldn’t be weird if they weren’t actually together. As Kate Hudson famously said as Andie Anderson, “you can’t lose something you never had,” a line that Kier recited one too many times during her rom-com bingeathons with Carmen and their friend Lydia.

Besides, as far as she was concerned, she still “had” Liam, whatever that meant. They just didn’t fuck anymore, which was fine with Kier.

“Only in your dreams, Niall,” Kier finally said, rolling her eyes at her meddling friend. It didn’t go unnoticed that Niall, Carmen, and Lydia each exchanged a look. She ignored it, taking another sip of her vodka in hopes of building up her buzz before they moved onto the next party. “Come on, let’s keep the game going.”

Kier wasn’t sure who was sitting next to Liam. He must’ve been new to the group, or maybe he came with someone else. With a straw clamped between her lips, she swayed lightly to the blaring 90s music in the background, some TLC song she’d no doubt belt out if she was out a club with her friends. She must have been caught in a tipsy trance because Liam had his eyes squinted with his gaze on her until she finally stopped swaying.

“You good?” he mouthed. She stuck up her thumb, nodding a few times. It seemed like the best way to prove her point, but in retrospect it probably just made her seem a lot more drunk than she was. Was she even drunk? She’d go with tipsy over anything else.

Kier didn’t even have to think when she saw that the guy drew another jack, immediately sticking up her three fingers to let another rousing round of Never Have I Ever commence. He looked around the circle, as if he was trying to think if he could take anyone down with a single strike, a targeted attack that tended to be the best part of the game, hence Niall’s previous remark.

She barely even heard his statement, keeping her finger up along with basically everyone else in the group. The game was starting to die down like clockwork, kickstarting the transition from the pre-game to the next stop. She waved her hand around, trying to get Liam’s attention without yelling out his name. It didn’t take long for him to notice, mostly because Kier wasn’t sure he had ever really looked away.

No, that would be silly. Maybe she was drunk.

Liam nodded in her direction, setting the empty can of beer down in front of him. Kier followed suit, finishing her vodka soda in one long sip before nearly burping when she was done. The game ended up being less eventful than usual, mostly because nobody was nearly as plastered as they usually were and neither Carmen nor Lydia allowed targeted attacks against them because they were both seeing new guys and didn’t want anyone, namely Niall or Kier, exposing the secrets of their past. There were some threats involved that neither of them seemed to test, letting the new couples enjoy their honeymoon period for a few weeks before they brought out the big guns.

“Kier, are you going to the party or what?” Carmen asked, trying to straighten out her mini skirt. “Julian and I are going to start walking soon we think.”

“Don’t leave without me,” she said, pulling up the waist of her skintight jeans.

“We’ll find you and Liam before we go.”

“Go where? To the party?” Liam asked, walking up behind Kiernan.

He slung an arm around her waist, pulling her back against his chest. Kier didn’t even try to wriggle out of his grasp, melting against his body. Besides, she was drunk, she decided. They were always too close for comfort, toying the line of friends and decidedly not just friends. Nothing had happened in a while. Even then, it was just one night. Or two nights. Kier knew it wasn’t any more than four nights, but she still stood by the fact that it was only three because all they had done the last night was fool around a bit because they were too drunk to finish.

“I think their apartment is right around the corner from Rocka Rolla,” Kier replied.

“We’re staying in Brooklyn tonight? Interesting,” he hummed. “Thought we were venturing to the East Village to hit up an NYU bar on 2nd.”

“Don’t act like you’re not happy that you don’t have to go all the way to Manhattan just to come all the way back to Brooklyn drunk as hell in an Uber Pool that you still can’t afford.”

“Ouch,” he said. “I’m hurt.”

“We’re all poor, babe,” she told him, patting his arm. “Now round the troops, or at least make sure that Niall and Lydia are accounted for.”

“Will do, Kier.”

She hummed a response, unsure of what else to say in the moment. She was just happy to be leaving the apartment. There was only so much sitting around she could do on a weekend before she got antsy. She spent most of her time in a classroom, library, or coffee shop just sitting around doing work. She had a part-time job at an office not too far from campus to keep her entertained and pockets somewhat (see: barely) lined with disposable income. Most of it went into her savings though in hopes that someday she would leave the nest, also known as her parents’ house in Greenpoint.

It wasn’t far from where some of her friends lived in Williamsburg, making it an easy walk from her childhood home. They once had an apartment somewhere on the Upper West Side when she was a toddler, but then her parents had another kid and needed more space so they ended up in the land of the G-train and she just didn’t see any reason to leave when rent was free and school was too stressful and expensive to deal with her own place.

All it meant for her was crashing at Lydia or Carmen’s more often than not and making sure that whoever she hooked up with had chill roommates. She’d only had Liam over a few nights in her childhood bedroom but was too mortified by the possibility of her parents or siblings hearing that she couldn’t finish and snuck Liam out at 1 in the morning instead.

“Earth to Kier,” Carmen said, waving her hands directly in front of her face. “Lydia is heading home with Shiv.”

“Too drunk to continue?” Kier asked, cocking her brow.

Carmen shrugged. “My guess is that she’s just tipsy enough where she’s super horny,” she replied. “Can’t blame her. I’ve heard Shiv is quite the giver in the sack.”

Kier snorted, shaking her head at Carmen’s comment. “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that,” she replied. “Lydia’s a lucky gal.”

“If you’d just start seeing Liam again you could have that too,” Carmen said.

“I was never seeing Liam,” Kier corrected her friend. “But also that’s over, for good. It’s mutually beneficial but it’s also a bad idea.”

“Bad ideas can become good ideas,” Carmen pointed out.

“Give me a good example and I’ll blow Liam right here, right now,” Kier deadpanned.

Carmen rolled her eyes at Kier, ignoring her comment before waving Niall over. “Let’s go, Kier’s getting sexual."

“Kier’s getting what now?” Liam chimed in, pulling his red and white plaid flannel back on over his loose t-shirt.

Kier flipped off Carmen, shaking her head. “Kier’s getting nothing, that’s what,” she said. “Let’s go before my buzz wears off.”

* * * * * * *

“October is the best month in the city,” Liam announced. He had long since shed his denim jacket in the coffee shop, leaning back in his seat while he stared out the window at a group passing by on the side street near campus. “It’s not too hot, not too cold, and everyone seems slightly less miserable.”

Kiernan snorted, losing her place in the textbook she was scanning. “People here aren’t as miserable as they seem,” she said. “You non-natives always think the worst of us New Yorkers.”

“I mean, you’re tolerable most of the time,” Liam replied. He nudged her shin under the table with the tip of his shoe, a smile stretching across his lips. “I forget that you’ve never lived anywhere else sometimes."

Kiernan merely shrugged, giving up on the assignment she was supposed to be working on. “New York has everything you’d ever need, why would I need to live anywhere else?” she asked. “I mean, you’re here from wherever in the Midwest you’re from. I don’t know anything west of Jersey, so…”

Liam laughed at their long-standing joke, rolling his eyes at Kiernan’s comment. “I still stand by the fact that you would enjoy a weekend in Minnesota during the wintertime,” he said.

“In all that snow? Unlikely,” she replied. “I love the fact that you love Minnesota so much though. I think that’s enough love for the both of us, don’t you?”

“Get back to work, you menace,” he said, pointing down at her textbook.

“Could say the same to you,” she replied. “Have you even typed a word of that essay yet? I’ve heard you say a lot of shit, but I don’t think I’ve seen your fingers on that keyboard the last two hours."

“I can’t get work done when you’re around,” Liam replied. “You distract me too much.”

“And yet you continue to work with me off campus,” she said. “Don’t blame me for your own lack of an attention span.”

“Kiernan Reid, your words hurt like fists,” Liam said, clutching his hands to his chest. “I’ve been wounded.”

She rolled her eyes, flipping the page in her textbook. “So dramatic,” she muttered. Her eyes were focused on the top of the page for a split second before she flickered her eyes up, catching a glimpse of Liam staring out the window. When he shifted in his seat, she averted her gaze back onto the textbook to try to make sense of the words in front of her.

Liam and Kiernan were taking completely different classes, but their schedules were somewhat similar. Their work schedules didn’t always line up, but it at least meant a day or two a week that they could hold each other accountable and try to get some work done together before they went their separate ways out of Manhattan, Kiernan to her house in Greenpoint and Liam to his apartment in Bushwick with three other guys.

He wasn’t wrong though. Kiernan did distract him too much, but in all fairness, he wasn’t innocent himself. If anything, they continued to “study” together just as an excuse to hangout. Sometimes Kiernan was worried if they spent too much time alone together that she’d just slip back into their casual routine of sleeping together whenever it was convenient. And for a while, it was just that: convenient. But convenience didn’t mean that things couldn’t get complicated. Feelings always get involved, the lines between lust and love become blurred, and it stops being fun.

Hanging out at a coffee shop with schoolwork though was easy. They couldn’t fuck on the floor of a coffee shop the same way that they could easily hook up if they were watching a movie at his place. So maybe their studying dates at whatever coffee shop they could find with outlets and space were a waste of time because nothing was accomplished, but at least it gave them time to be just friends and nothing else.

“How’s that book?” Liam asked.

“Really interesting,” Kiernan replied without looking away from the book.

“Must be, considering you haven’t flipped the page in over five minutes.”

She narrowed her eyes, slowly looking up from the page. “Did you seriously time me?” she asked.

“Either you read really slow, or you just lied straight to my face,” Liam said.

Kiernan snorted. “As if I haven’t lied to you before,” she said.

Liam pursed his lips. “Like when?”

She flattened her palms against the glossy pages of her textbook, staring forward straight at Liam. “Mmm, oh yeah, I’m so close, right there Liam, right th–“ she moaned, loud enough to make Liam’s cheeks flush red. For a moment, she thought he’d be mad but it only took a few seconds for him to burst out laughing instead. Kiernan ignored the glances from the people sitting around them, more focused on the fact that Liam seemed to be amused.

“Like fists, Kier. Like. Fists,” he said, still smiling. “It was never for lack of trying.”

“Never for lack of trying, mostly just because of alcohol,” she replied. “You’re shit after you’ve had too much to drink.”

“You accidentally bit my dick once when you were drunk,” he pointed out.

“Probably wasn’t an accident, I was mad at you because you were dancing with another girl at a party and I was hammered and jealous,” she said.

“You told me to dance with her!” Liam replied.

“Girls are weird, what do you want me to tell you?” Kiernan replied with a shrug. “Now, enough about our previous shared sex life, I have to read about…I don’t even know what I’m reading about because you’ve been distracting me this whole time!”

“Okay well why you try to finish that page you’ve been reading for ten minutes now, I’m getting something to eat,” he announced. “If I get a cookie will you eat some?”

“As long as it–“

“Doesn’t have raisins in it, I know,” he said.

Kiernan didn’t smile until she knew his back was turned to her before she focused on her textbook once again, finally finishing the page she was stuck on. She still wasn’t sure what she was reading about, but in the grand scheme of things, that didn’t really matter.

* * * * * * *

Kiernan was running approximately half an hour behind schedule but she refused to take the blame. Her younger sister was hogging the bathroom when she desperately needed to shower and the dish she was bringing to Friendsgiving ended up not being done until ten minutes after she was supposed to leave. How she managed to fuck up mashed potatoes she would never know, but she didn’t want to cop out and buy anything store bought which everyone else no doubt did. In her defense, she lived with her parents who actually had cookware that she could use. She wasn’t even sure half of her friends owned any sort of pots or pans aside from maybe a skillet to cook grilled cheese on.

She started to stack the containers on top of each other, trying to find the insulated bag that her mom set out for her. It was supposed to be on the counter or maybe it was on the kitchen table.

“Aha!” she announced to no one, spotting the red bag collapsed onto the table. She was already sweating through her outfit, a plaid mini skirt and a cream-colored turtleneck. She made a mental note to stick to white wines only, knowing that red wine would be a disaster with her light colored outfit. It was a last minute buy at some sale in SoHo specifically for Friendsgiving. This was their third year doing it, but it was the first year Liam and his roommates were hosting.

Kiernan went over to his place two days prior to help clean it up, though they were fairly tidy for four guys. She hoped to god they hadn’t become incredible slobs over the course of two days and knew better to at least do one more tidy the morning of to ensure that nobody was eating in absolute filth. Not that anyone would particularly care. Their friend group was about as chill as chill could get, even if Lydia did have the tendency to be a bit over the top. In all fairness, Niall was her male equivalent and tended to always push the envelope towards everything becoming extra.

It took her five more minutes to make sure her hair and makeup looked okay before slipping on her tan jacket and white calf-high boots that she borrowed from Carmen the week before specifically for this outfit. She would take them off as soon as she got to their apartment, but at least she could make her entrance in the full ensemble. Not that she had anybody she had to make an entrance for.

She wasn’t the only person carting around what appeared to be some kind of dishware containing their contribution to dinner. She spotted a few oddly proportioned bags on her multiple subway rides to Liam’s apartment. In truth, it was only a twenty-minute trip or so door to door, but the G train was useless to her until she transferred to the L. It did save her the extra time it would take to walk from Greenpoint to the L line though, especially in the impractically high booties she was sporting for sartorial purposes.

Even whilst running thirty minutes late, there were still a few missing faces at Liam’s apartment when Kiernan finally arrived, her skin feeling a little frost-bitten after walking around in the cold without a pair of tights on. That was her mistake, but she realized last minute that she’d ripped holes in every single pair (or rather, some of her male courters had), rendering them useless to her. So, she bare-legged it through the city and had to hope that Liam’s apartment was slightly warmer due to the fact that they were cooking the turkey and there would be a group of people crowding the tight space.

Kiernan knocked on the door with the tip of her boot. She knew the code to their building but having a key to their apartment was another story. It took a few seconds for someone to come to the door, but she could already hear the sound of some kind of commotion inside.

“Hey Kier,” Liam’s roommate James said, holding the door wide open for her to come in. “Liam, Kiernan’s here.”

“Hey James,” Kiernan said, keeping her boots on momentarily while she searched for someplace to set down her serving dish. “Any idea where I should–“

“I’ll take that, Kier,” Liam said, swooping in before she could finish her sentence. He didn’t even stop before he grabbed the bag from her hands, taking it into the kitchen before setting it down onto the counter. He was back seconds later, his hands free of any kind of dishware with a smile on his face. “You didn’t have to dress up. I feel like garbage next to you now.”

Liam was just wearing a pair of black jeans and a black t-shirt, it was hardly garbage. She rolled her eyes at him before bending down to slide the boots off. “Any excuse to not wear the shit I wear to campus,” she replied, pulling down the hem of her skirt. She felt about four inches shorter, which sounded about right considering the death trap shoes she decided would be appropriate to wear for a total of two minutes inside.

“Well, you look nice, that’s all,” he replied. “Well I mean, not that I have to tell you but make yourself at all. Lydia, Carmen, and Niall are all late, go figure but they’re the only three we’re waiting for. Uh, sit wherever and the wine is over in the living room already."

“You might catch me there all night,” she said. “I made sure it was well stocked.”

Liam snorted. “Yes, yes you did,” he said. “I think Trader Joe’s owes you a personal thank you note after all of the money you must have dropped at the wine shop in Union Square before you came over early this week.”

“My arms stopped being sore yesterday after carrying that many bottles, but it will be well worth my Friendsgiving buzz,” she told him. “I better see your indulging today, mister. It’s no fun when you leave me to be wine drunk by myself.”

“Someone’s gotta make sure you’re okay in your wine drunk state,” Liam pointed out. “Wine drunk Kiernan is on another level. The only thing worse might be tequila drunk Kiernan. She’s the fucking worst.”

She shuddered at every recollection of those tequila drunk nights, almost all of them no doubt ending up with vomit. “In all fairness, you benefitted from some of those tequila drunk nights,” she said.

“Just go drink your wine, Kiernan,” Liam said.

And that she did.

Kiernan wasn’t sure what portion of dinner was the turning point in her drinking or how many glasses she had actually had. She had her own, but then she kept stealing some of Carmen and Lydia’s and had Liam get her some refills. By the time she served herself food, her plate seemed to become 90% carbs in her attempt to soak up the alcohol. Even after mounds of bread and potatoes were consumed, she still found herself bloated on the couch, her face flushed and vision fuzzy.

“Hey Kier, you doing okay?” Liam asked, sinking down next to her on the couch.

She wasn’t sure how long she had been sitting there, but Lydia, Carmen, and Niall had all hugged her goodbye long before. They’d had a nice conversation at dinner. Or at least Kiernan thought it was nice. She made a mental note to get together with the girls before they all went their separate ways before the holidays and when the semester was finally over. They needed some well-deserved girl time, mostly because she wanted to make sure their new boyfriends were treating them well and that they were doing okay after their penultimate semester from hell.

“Splendid,” she replied, following her statement with the final sip of wine in her glass. “Were my mashed potatoes okay?”

“They were great, Kier,” he told her.

“I made them myself,” she said. “Peeled ‘em, cut ‘em, boiled ‘em, mashed ‘em. All of it. Not store bought! I mean, I bought the stuff at the store to make them but I made them. Kiernan Marie Reid made them.”

Liam snorted, draping his arm loosely over Kiernan’s shoulders. Or maybe he was just resting it along the back of the couch they were sharing. Did the heating come on earlier than usual in their apartment? It felt awfully hot. She wasn’t even wearing tights and her legs felt like they were on fire.

“You outdid yourself, Kier,” he finally said.

“Did everyone else leave?” she asked, eyes surveying the room.

“Not everyone,” he replied. “There’s still a few people left if you needed to chat to anyone in particular.”

She shook her head. “Nah, I like chatting with you,” she told him. “I finished my wine.”

“I can see that,” he replied. “Do you want me to take your glass?”

“To refill it?”

“To wash it,” he said.

Kiernan pouted, furrowing her brows at his comment. “I haven’t had that much.”

“Okay,” he said, refusing to argue. “How does this dinner compare to your family’s Thanksgiving?”

Kiernan shrugged. “We go to our family’s house out in Long Island. I hate Long Island, but it’s way better than Staten Island so I guess I can’t complain.”

“Are you going to bless everyone with your homemade mashed potatoes?” he asked, nudging her gently in the side.

“Only for you,” she replied. “We just bring the wine and sometimes my mom makes a pie if she feels like it. My aunt and uncle are very particular about Thanksgiving dinner but it always tastes amazing so like, no complaints I guess.”

“Sounds like my parents,” Liam replied. “We host at our house. It’s always a nightmare until everyone arrives and then it’s like none of the stress ever happened.”

Kiernan widened her eyes, her head turning to face Liam. “Do I stress my aunt and uncle out?” Kiernan asked.

Liam laughed, shaking his head at Kiernan’s panicked question. “I don’t think so, no,” he assured her.

“Did I stress you out? Because you hosted today?”

“You always stress me out, Kier,” he told her.

“Aren’t you gonna take my glass away?” she asked, tilting it back and forth in her hands.

“Yeah, I can do that,” he said, reaching his free hand across her body to grab it.

But the moment he started to stand up and his arm draped around her shoulder began to lift, Kiernan abruptly interrupted, “Wait!”

Liam froze, almost squatting above the sofa before he decided to just sit back down. “You okay?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she replied, unable to think of anything else to contribute. “Sorry, I forgot what I was going to say.”

“Okay Kier,” Liam said, still looking at her skeptically out of the corner of his eyes. “Were you going to take the train home tonight?”

She nodded, drumming her fingers against her legs. “Should probably leave soon,” she said

“I think you should just stay here,” he suggested. “Or you should call a car.”

“Why?”

“I mean, you’re drunk,” he pointed out matter-of-fact.

“Do you worry?”

“Of course I do,” he replied.

Kiernan’s lips lingered in a small ‘o’ shape while she thought of something to say. But instead of an intelligible response, she merely muttered, “Oh.”

“I just have to clean up but you can just hang here or just lay down in my room,” he offered. “Or if you decide to call a car, can you just let me know? I’ll walk you down and make sure you get into the right car.”

“What do you want me to do?” she asked, cocking her head to the side.

She wasn’t sure why she even bothered trying to examine Liam’s expression or body language. She could barely see straight, let alone try to decipher context clues about his feelings. Even if she was sober she’d still struggle. She and Liam had never been very good at reading each other in most contexts. They knew almost everything about each other, but when it came to feelings, they just couldn’t figure it out.

“I just want you to do whatever you want to do,” he finally said.

“How long will it take you to clean?” she asked.

“Not very long because I cleaned before dinner and helped set up, so it’s James and Grant’s turn to clean,” he explained.

“Can you help me to your room?” she asked.

Liam nodded, getting off of the couch first. He discarded her wine glass onto the nearby coffee table before stepping directly in front of her. She held out her hands for him to grab, gently hoisting her up until she was on both feet. Kiernan felt wobbly as she walked with Liam, but she tried to keep her balance as they made their way slowly down the hallway towards his bedroom.

“I have to pee,” she announced, the thought dawning on her as they passed the bathroom. “Wait outside.”

“Aye aye, Captain Kier,” Liam said, letting go of her for the first time since she got off of the couch.

She was only gone for a few minutes, but she felt pathetic clutching onto the bathroom sink to keep herself upright until she got back outside to Liam. She made a mental note to never trust herself when it came to buying excessive amounts of wine again, a promise she made to herself every single time and never followed through with.

They didn’t talk as they stumbled into his bedroom, a familiar act that wasn’t ending the way that it used to. He guided her to his bed, letting her fall gently backward until she was sitting on the edge of the mattress. Kier tried to center herself, wishing her head would just stop spinning for a second so she could look at Liam. He seemed to be busying himself near his dresser, disappearing out of the corner of her eyes. She could hear him rummaging through a drawer closely followed by the gentle slam.

Liam didn’t say anything as he presented Kiernan with a pile of clothes, a pair of sweatpants with a coordinating sweatshirt that she had worn plenty of times before. She hadn’t seen Liam wear them in years. She assumed they became her comfy clothes at his apartment when she either didn’t wear or bring any of her own.

“Thank you,” she told him, setting the pile down on her lap.

“I also found, uh, these makeup wipes in my drawer,” he said, handing over the light blue packet. “I know it drives you crazy to sleep with your makeup on. I don’t have any of that micellar water or cleanser stuff that you like but–“

“Liam,” she said, interrupting his ramble. He paused, pressing his lips together. “Thank you. I’m sorry I got drunk at Friendsgiving again.”

“It’s okay,” he told her. “Why don’t you get changed and lay down. I’ll bring you water soon.”

“Are you going to stay?” she asked. “In here, I mean. It’s your apartment after all.”

“Yeah, I can stay in here if you want me to,” he replied.

If you want me to.

I just want you to do whatever you want.

Kiernan’s fingers played with the clothes in her hand, flicking through the edges while she sat on Liam’s response. She could see his fingers drumming at his sides, but she just couldn’t get the words out fast enough. This wasn’t like her. She acted quicker and wittier. She didn’t pause or stumble. She just wasn’t sure she could blame it on the alcohol this time.

“I’ll leave your side empty,” she finally said. “I’m going to get naked now.”

Liam laughed, beaming at Kiernan. She couldn’t see much, but she could always make out his smile even in her drunken hazes. “Okay Kier, you do that.”

* * * * * * *

“Didn’t we just have Friendsgiving?” Lydia asked, tossing the throw pillow she had in her hands back onto the shelf at Urban Outfitters. Lydia and Carmen dragged Kiernan out to shop in Manhattan for their Secret Santa gifts for their big annual exchange within their friend group. “And why did we agree to let Niall host?”

“Because his begging was pathetic,” Carmen replied, looking over her shoulder for a brief moment before she focused on the candle in front of her again. “Not every man has an apartment as tidy as Liam and his roommates do. Live with it, Lyd.

“Liam is very tidy,” Lydia agreed. “Right Kier?”

Kiernan sighed, rolling her eyes at her two friends. “You two are ruthless,” she said. “We’re friends.”

“Okay,” Carmen replied, nearly snorting as she said it. “The two of you are very clearly not just friends and never have been.”

“You can be friends with a guy and have it be platonic,” Kier pointed out.

“Well of course you can, all of us are friends with Niall and I don’t know about you, but I’ve certainly never thought about having him dick me down,” she said, earning a grimace from Kiernan. “But you and Liam aren’t the same as you and Niall and not just because you two used to fuck on the daily.”

“It was not on the daily,” Kiernan argued.

“It might as well have been on the daily!” Lydia chimed in.

“You’re both ridiculous,” Kiernan muttered. “I thought we’ve talked about not discussing this subject.”

“We have, but sometimes we just need to remind you that pretending that you’re not attracted to Liam is stupid and you’re depriving yourself of someone who could be good for you rather than you trying to find someone better at a bar,” Lydia explained. “Which, you never have. You’re batting 0 for 4 right now, Kiernan.”

“Can we just shop for our Secret Santa gifts?” Kiernan asked, wishing they could just drop the subject once and for all.

Lydia wasn’t wrong though. They didn’t talk about it that much anymore, not since Kiernan had a drunken breakdown about it the previous semester during spring break. What Kier did wasn’t fair, but she had one too many frozen margaritas at Hotel Tortuga at dinner and not nearly enough of the free chips and salsa. She was scrolling through Instagram Stories and saw that Liam kept posting videos with some girl. He had gone to Miami with Niall and a couple of their mutual friends, but she didn’t recognize the girl from New York. It only took a quick search on Liam’s Instagram to find her at the top of his ‘Following’ page and even less time for the envy to set in.

It was unfair for her to get upset about it, but she was drunk and admittedly the tiniest bit jealous. She ended up crying on the subway about it to Lydia and Carmen, confessing god knows what to them. All Kiernan remembered was begging them to not talk about Liam like that and for the most part, they kept up with their end of the bargain.

“Fine, but only because I want to get the fuck out of Urban Outfitters and find a bar,” Carmen said. “My treat, by the way for surviving the semester but also because I found out I’m somehow getting a tiny bonus at work which means we all deserve a happy hour cocktail.”

Kiernan only tagged along for emotional support. She got Liam, no doubt a sign that god was trying to fuck with her. Even still, she’d found his gift by happenstance the week prior when she was browsing a small boutique in the West Village. She might have spent ten dollars over the limit, but she couldn’t choose between the bag of overpriced coffee that Liam always raved about but never bought for himself and the candle that not only had Minnesota on the label but supposedly smelled like the state. It was one of those Homesick candles that she never really needed because she never left her hometown, but she knew that Liam always missed the Midwest one way or another, even if he enjoyed living in the city.

She dodged all of his nosey questions after they all picked names, rolling her eyes at him every time he asked when they were studying earlier that week. They were holed up in a café in Greenpoint, neither of them particularly feeling like staying near campus that day. It wasn’t too far from Kier’s place if it ended up being too crowded for them to study in. It was the day before both of their last finals for the semester and neither of them seemed too keen on studying, even if that’s what they both desperately needed to do after a semester of some serious slacking off.

Kiernan wouldn’t budge, refusing to blow the surprise even if she hadn’t chosen Liam by accident. He would just have to wait like the rest of the group until their holiday party later in the week before everyone started to disperse for the holidays. They did White Elephant the previous year but it was too disastrous to organize and everyone forgot the rules ten times throughout so they decided it’d just be easier to do a Secret Santa purely because it was hard to fuck up, aside from the whole keeping it a secret thing.

It was clear by the time their friend group all got together in their festive attire that some people had spilled the beans, including Niall who had chosen one of Liam’s friends that he didn’t know all that well. Instead of embarrassing himself and picking some shit gift, he decided to just ask him what he liked and went from there. Still, Kiernan refused to tell anyone who she had chosen, mostly because the only three people she would consider spilling to would’ve made a huge ordeal out of it.

She arrived at Niall’s alone with just her gift in tow. Okay, and a bottle of red wine and spiked eggnog. It was her personal stash, or at least that’s what she said as a joke when she handed them over to Niall the second she walked into the door of his apartment.

“You really outdid yourself with the tacky décor,” she told him, noting all of the multi-colored lights that seemed to adorn any surface possible. Or rather, any surface possible that was near one of the outlets that were far and few between in the apartment. “Nice sweater, too.”

He looked down at the red and green monstrosity, smiling wide at his sartorial accomplishment. “Thanks, Kier,” he said. “Yours is…not ugly, what the fuck?”

“It was cheap at H&M, what do you want me to say?” she replied. It was a holiday-themed sweater at least. It was tan and just had Winterland written in red text with a few diamonds. It was subtle but she just didn’t have the time to find a truly heinous sweater that she hadn’t already worn before.

“You’re just trying to show us all up, huh?” he joked, nudging her arm with his elbow. “Red or white wine?”

“I’ll start with white,” she told him. “Now scram so I can put my present in the pile without you trying to peek at the name.”

“The holidays make you cranky!” Niall yelled over his shoulder while he walked away from the living room and into the kitchen. Kiernan rolled her eyes, making sure her box was still concealed by its bag before she walked over to the small pile of presents and hid Liam’s amongst the rest. He wasn’t at Niall’s yet, but in all fairness, Lydia, Carmen, and a few of their mutual friends were still missing in action as well.

By the time everyone had arrived (she pretended not to notice that Liam was last and hated herself when she felt her body perk up at the sight of him), Kiernan was a glass and a half of wine and two and a half sugar cookies deep into the night. In retrospect, eating a full meal before coming would have been a wise idea, but she made the mistake she always made by not doing that, not even in the slightest.

She was mid-bite when Liam squeezed his way through Niall’s roommates to join Kiernan near the tree. She’d decided it was her spot for the night, mostly because it gave her the perfect view of the room so she could survey everyone and essentially just people watch all night long. As long as she stayed sober enough to see straight, that is.

“Did you decide to just stick up a big middle finger to the Ugly Christmas Sweater thing?’ he asked, pointing at her fairly cute sweater.

“I’m part of the resistance, what can I say?” she replied with a shrug. “Feeling any better than earlier this week?”

“That final scarred me for life, I thought I said never to mention it ever again,” he said. “I’ve never been more excited for a semester to be over.”

“Well, hold that thought because next semester is our last semester and then we’re free,” she reminded him. “Just to celebrate that thought, time to finish this glass and get myself something fresh.”

“Dare I ask how much wine you’ve had on no doubt an empty stomach, or at least just a sugar-filled stomach?”

“Nope,” she replied, smirking over the rim of her now empty glass. “Get a drink with me, come on.”

Kiernan wasn’t sure if she and Liam both had steam to blow off after their respective semesters, but they kept a bottle of wine and eggnog to themselves and holed up in the corner on the floor near the tree until someone announced that they were going to start the gift exchange. Was it Lydia? No, she would know Lydia’s voice–

“Fuck, should we be mixing wine with spiked eggnog?” Liam asked.

“Probably should’ve asked that question before we were multiple glasses into this bad decision, now shouldn’t you have?” she replied, cocking a brow. “If both of us keel over during Secret Santa, then we can take equal blame.”

“Sounds like a deal to me,” he replied, shifting off of his butt and onto his knees so he could hoist himself off of the ground. With his glasses discarded on the ground still, he knelt down to help Kiernan up. “Should I push Niall off the couch so we get a comfortable seat?”

“Usually I’d say yes but since I’m buzzed I can tolerate him. Let’s just sit on the floor,” she told him. “I mean, that’s what we were doing before so our asses are gonna be sore anyways.”

“Why are your asses going to be sore?” Niall asked, somehow picking up on their conversation from across the coffee table that had previously housed a bunch of wine glasses and plates of snacks, replaced by all of the gifts instead. “Are you two trying anal again?”

“Niall, I swear to god if you don’t shut up I will throttle you through the wall,” Kiernan threatened. “Can someone just choose their present first before tonight becomes Niall’s funeral? Thanks!”

“Kier is mean when she drinks,” Niall said.

“Wanna test that theory even more?” she asked, cocking a brow at Niall. He shook his head immediately. “Good, now someone pick their gift and let’s let the unwrapping and guessing commence!”

It would have been wise for Liam and Kiernan to stop drinking when presents were being opened, but they had to do something to entertain themselves during the lull, namely when people tried to nicely unwrap the gifts instead of tearing through the wrapping paper like heathens. Instead, they clinked the rims of their glasses together every time it was someone else’s turn to open a gift, blowing through a few more glasses between the two of them before the circle finally came around to them.

Momentarily, Kiernan forgot that she was the one who had given Liam his present, blissfully unaware while she took the last sip in her glass of red wine. There weren’t many gifts left in the pile, but there were still enough people left in the circle where she thought he might not get it right away. It’s not like it was an inside joke between the two of them, or at least she didn’t think it was. His home state was common knowledge and anyone who had ever been to his apartment would have known what kind of coffee he had, right?

“Hmm,” he hummed, his eyes scanning over his name written on a sticker on the front of the box. He didn’t tear through the wrapping paper and make a mess, but he certainly wasn’t as careful as everyone else had been in trying to get to the present. He pulled the candle out of the large box first, taking a second to recognize the state printed on the label. With his other hand, he pulled the coffee out, balancing both of the gifts in his hands.

“Don’t burn the apartment down with that candle this time,” Liam’s roommate Zane said.

“Ooh, guess! Guess! Guess!” Lydia cheered, clapping her hands together.

“I mean, I’m not sure this is fair because I recognized her handwriting from the box but…” he paused, setting the gifts back into the box before he turned to his right to look at Kiernan. “I’m not sure what Minnesota is supposed to smell like, but thank you Kier.”

“You and your Midwest pride, what can I say?” she replied with a small shrug. “Please don’t burn your apartment to the ground though, now I’m worried that I should’ve gotten you a fire extinguisher instead of a bag of coffee.”

“A bag of my favorite coffee is much, much more important than fire safety,” he replied. “Thank you, Kier.”

“No problem,” she replied. “So, I guess it’s my turn, huh?”

Kiernan ended up getting a bottle of red wine that wasn’t from Trader Joe’s, which meant it was much nicer than she usually treated herself to and a set of glasses that she recognized from Anthropologie. It turned out that Carmen had tipped off one of their mutual friends Ilya. They had been in the same circle of friends since freshmen year but they probably only hung around in larger groups, which is why she finally just had Ilya reveal himself instead of embarrassing herself trying to guess.

By the time Secret Santa finished, the Christmas music was back on and blaring and everyone had dispersed with their gifts. Kiernan hid hers from herself, placing them in the canvas bag she used to carry Liam’s present and putting it near her jacket at Niall’s front door. Besides, she still had some spiked egg nog that was calling her name despite not needing another sip of alcohol to keep herself going for the rest of the party. She was already sufficiently buzzed and Liam didn’t seem too far behind if he wasn’t already at her level.

Kiernan was in the kitchen pouring herself a small cup of eggnogg when she felt an arm around her waist. She didn’t have a chance to turn around before they grabbed the cup from the counter and took it for themselves. She recognized the watch on their wrist, realizing it was Liam a second too late

“Dammit Liam, get your own egg nog,” she complained.

“I’m not sure you need any more,” he told her, setting the empty cup back down.

Kiernan turned around with his arm still around her waist, leaning her back against the edge of the counter. “I would’ve shared, but you just went on ahead and declared that glass as your own, now didn’t you?” she asked, tilting her head to the side.

“It’s very loud in here,” Liam pointed out, pointing towards his ears. “Couldn’t quite hear ya. Did you say ‘I’ll share with you any time, Liam?’”

“You’re irritating,” she muttered.

“What?” he asked, cupping his hand around his ear, leaning down closer to Kiernan’s face. “Come to the bathroom, I wanna talk for a second.”

Keirnan didn’t even question it, she merely nodded and waited for him to lead the way. The door to Niall’s bathroom was wide open thankfully, leaving them to slip right in instead of waiting outside and drawing attention to themselves. Anytime the two of them slipped away, she could practically hear Niall, Lydia, and Carmen’s meddling from wherever they were. It was all in good fun, but sometimes it drove Kiernan nuts.

“So, what’s up?” Kiernan asked, wandering over to the sink. She hoisted herself up onto the counter around the sink, the back of her feet immediately swinging back to hit the cabinet doors underneath.

“I just wanted to thank you for the gift,” he replied. “It was really thoughtful, that’s all.”

“Am I supposed to bring Ilya into the bathroom to thank him for my wine too?” Kiernan asked, quirking her brows at Liam. “You’re welcome, Liam. I saw it and thought of you. Probably would’ve gotten it for you even if I wasn’t your Secret Santa, so this game really saved me some money this holiday season.”

Liam rolled his eyes, still laughing at her comment anyways. “Strongly considering not sharing the coffee with you next time you come over to my place and want some.”

“Well that’d be rude,” she replied. “You would never deprive me of that. You love me too much.”

Either Kiernan was way too drunk or time seemed to freeze in the room. Kiernan folded her hands in her lap, lips frozen in a faint ‘o’ while she waited for Liam to say something.

It turned out that Liam didn’t really have much to say at all. Instead, he took a short step forward until he could slide his leg between Kiernan’s. There was no hesitation on either side after he placed his hand on her cheek, drawing her face closer to his until their lips met. It had been months since the last time Kiernan was this close to Liam, her arms draped loosely around her shoulders while she ignored his stubble brushing roughly against her chin and cheeks every time their lips moved against each other.

It was irresponsible and just a terrible idea but every time Liam pulled gently on her legs to bring her body closer to his, Kiernan forgot for a split second that what she was doing was unbelievably stupid. There wasn’t a single thing bad about kissing Liam, aside from the sinking feeling she got in her stomach when they finally pulled apart. Someone was knocking loudly on the door and Liam tried to ignore it by kissing down Kiernan’s neck but the knocking just kept getting louder.

“Fuck,” Liam swore, letting his forehead rest against Kiernan’s.

“This didn’t happen,” she said, placing her finger under Liam’s chin. “Okay?”

He didn’t even respond with words, merely nodding before taking a step back to give Kiernan her space.

* * * * * * *

Kiernan and Liam hadn’t spoken at all since their makeout at the Secret Santa party. She tried not to dwell on it because she knew that he had gone home two days later for the holidays, but it didn’t make her feel any better about the situation. Other than a ‘Merry Christmas, Kier’ text from Liam, it had been radio silence between them and it was driving her crazy. It was silly, she knew that, but she couldn’t help but wonder if she was too harsh or if she just should’ve stopped it before it could even happen.

Still, even on New Year’s Eve, Kiernan felt even worse when she was drunk on champagne with her chest pressed against somebody else’s. She vaguely knew him as a friend of a friend, but his name escaped her. It was either Brad or Bruce or something that began with a ‘B’. He seemed nice enough and was one of the only people at the party that was somewhat interested in talking to someone who didn’t go to the rest of their colleges or run with their crowd all of the time.

They didn’t share a particularly amazing kiss at midnight, but it didn’t seem fair to Brad/Bruce when she just kept replaying her kiss with Liam in her head instead. He was fine at kissing and it felt nice to be wrapped in somebody’s arms, but she knew the feeling in the pit of her stomach was guilt and she couldn’t shake it. Brad/Bruce looked disappointed when Kiernan broke away from their kiss and excused herself, making a lie up about having to go to the bathroom.

It wasn’t until she was walking out of the apartment and out into the hallway that she saw a text from Liam, a simple two sentences that made her eyes watery.

Happy New Year, Kier. Miss you & can’t wait to see you next week.

She didn’t tell anyone about it, but even if she did, she just would’ve blamed it on the champagne. Always blame it on the alcohol whenever possible. Always.

* * * * * * *

The thing that Kiernan learned about both she and Liam is that they were both resilient. Or at least, their complicated relationship was. She tried to convince herself that their friendship wasn’t complicated, not in the slightest, but there was only so much pretending that she could do. Going from friends to friends with benefits to friends who saw other people to teetering on the edge between friends and not-just-friends was starting to become more than she could handle without faltering and needing some space.

But not seeing Liam for nearly three weeks throughout the holidays was too much space, not that she’d ever admit it to anyone. Everyone had gotten together for pizza and movies (no wine, just beer which Kiernan detested), the perfect buffer for the two of them being face to face again after not talking about the fact that they made out at their holiday party and didn’t seem to hate it.

They made it through both movies without Kiernan feeling uncomfortable for a second, not even when they hugged goodbye and Liam’s arms seemed to linger a second too long around her frame. Not even when one of the movies that Niall no doubt chose on purpose was No Strings Attached. And definitely not even when someone made a comment about Liam not following Kiernan to the bathroom this time when she left between movies to pee.

They couldn’t spend the rest of their time constantly surrounded by other people, especially when they spent so much time during the semester just the two of them, whether it was studying after classes or meeting up on their simultaneous lunch breaks from their respective jobs only a few blocks apart. So when Liam asked what Kiernan’s hours were at the office job she worked, she didn’t lie and pretend she was swamped with work. In reality, she never really was. A friend of her dad’s was doing her a favor and keeping her semi-employed so she could save money to move out and for her inevitable student loans.

Kiernan started babysitting for family friends when she was around 15 and did it on the side until she was 21. She only lasted two years in retail before she got fed up with rude customers and got paired up with a friend of her father who needed help filing papers and just general administrative tasks at his office. Sometimes she organized his office and helped clear it out of decades worth of documents that he kept and assumed were important (she wasn’t sure how important blank cards were, but she never brought it up). Work wasn’t necessarily unpleasant, but she would happily take the opportunity to not eat lunch at her desk and see Liam instead.

She met Liam outside at 12 on the dot, wasting no time as she not so casually rushed out of the office with her faux fur teddy bear coat and purse. It was the perfect day in January, for New York at least. It was chilly, but there was no wind in the air and the sun was consistently shining, a rarity in the winter as of late.

Liam was waiting outside with his hands in his pockets and headphones still in. Kiernan tried not to startle him when she walked out of the building and placed a hand on his arm, trying to get his attention without jumping in front of him or saying his name loudly to get his attention over his music. He didn’t seem to flinch, slipping his headphones out of his ears and tucking them into his pockets.

“Hey Kier,” he said, enveloping her into a one-armed side hug. “Usual place for lunch?”

“I’m fine with that,” she replied. “It’s funny, I really like it there but I only go with you. Feels wrong walking in by myself and getting it to go."

“Weirdo,” he replied, playfully nudging her in the side. “Let’s go, it’s cold in the shade.”

“Wear a scarf every once in a while,” she joked, tugging on the shearling cuff of his worn out aviator jacket. “That should solve your problem.”

“At least I don’t look like the mascot for a detergent brand,” Liam countered.

“Did you just accuse me of looking like the Snuggle Bear?” Kiernan asked. “Rude!”

“But accurate,” he replied, looking over his shoulder. “C’mon, let’s try to beat the lunch rush.”

They only had to walk two blocks to get to their usual café, but it tended to get crowded during lunch with students and workers from the area, meaning they wouldn’t get a good table, or really any table. It was a small place and sitting anywhere but near the windows was just a bummer, especially on a sunny and somewhat warm day.

“In my defense, it is considerably warmer here than it is in Minnesota so this feels like a heatwave,” Liam said, swerving to the right to avoid colliding with someone walking between the two of them. “In fact, I should be in shorts and flip-flops right now.”

“That would be offensive to the eyes,” Kiernan said, scrunching her nose. “Nothing says heterosexual like that ensemble during the winter.”

“The shit that comes out of your mouth sometimes, I swear,” Liam said, shaking his head at Kiernan’s comment. He still laughed though, which made Kiernan smile. “I got almost three weeks without being bullied by you.”

“Oh come on, I do not bully you,” she argued. “And don’t use your usual ‘people in the Midwest are just so much nicer than people in New York’ line on me. You’ve been using that for the past three years, it’s lost its charm.”

“I forgot how easy it is to rile you up sometimes,” Liam said. “It is nice to be back though.”

“Well, it’s nice to have you back,” she replied, rounding the corner on the block the café was on. “The city is kind of lonely when you guys are gone.”

“Yeah?” he asked. “Well, someday we won’t have as much time off as we do now to be home for weeks at a time.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” she groaned, lingering outside of the café with Liam. It looked fairly empty inside, they could afford a few minutes outside to finish their conversation. “This time next year we’ll be like eight months out of college doing god knows what.”

Liam sighed, his warm breath blowing out into the cold air. “Weird,” he said. He let his comment linger before he finally opened the door to the café, holding it for Kiernan before following closely behind her.

It was significantly warmer inside than it was out on the street, the two of them shedding their coats the minute they walked in. They both gravitated towards the same two-seater table near the window, draping their coats over the back of the chairs. It was quiet for a weekday afternoon, but Kiernan always noticed that it was much less crowded when the weather was cold or rainy, most people deciding to just stay inside during their lunch hour rather than venture out.

“Do you want to sit and I’ll order?” Liam asked, pulling his wallet out of the back pocket of his jeans.

“Well hold on, let me grab some cash–“

Liam interrupted her before she could even begin to rifle through her purse. “It’s my treat,” he replied. “Don’t you even dare Venmo me your portion either."

“This is unnecessary but I’m only agreeing because I’ll just get you back sometime soon for drinks or something,” she said, slumping down into her seat. “Mark my words though, I will be getting even.”

“This sounds so much more like a threat than you just paying me back for one measly lunch,” Liam said. “Do you want your usual?”

“Of course,” she replied, sliding her phone out of the back pocket of her purse. “Thanks, Liam.”

“Anytime,” he said, maneuvering through the cramped tables while he made his way toward the counter.

Kiernan mainly scrolled through Instagram, replying to a few stray texts from her friends that she got in the morning and hadn’t had a chance to get to while she was at work. She knew her boss wouldn’t care, but she felt weird slacking off when she was lucky enough to have a job that kept her off of the floor at a store and far away from customer service. Besides, in reality, it was a few hours of peace in her day, even if those peaceful moments were spent near a computer or filing cabinet.

Kiernan had gotten sucked into watching 60 second makeup tutorials with the sound off, letting Instagram autoplay one video after the next. If Liam hadn’t plopped back down into the seat across from her with their tray, she’s not sure when she would’ve put her phone down.

“Instagram black hole?” Liam asked, nodding towards her phone.

“You know it,” she said, locking her phone and placing it face down on the table. “Did you switch up your order today? What the hell?”

“You know, I was just really feeling soup today, what can I say?” Liam replied, grabbing his bowl and bread from the tray before pushing it closer to Kiernan so she could grab her sandwich and iced tea. “Still can’t get over the fact that you like iced drinks during the winter.”

“What am I supposed to eat with a sandwich? A hot coffee? That sounds vile,” she replied. “Besides, it’s cold outside, not inside. Let me enjoy my iced drink in peace!”

“As I do recall earlier, you said that it was nice to have me back,” Liam said, stirring his plastic spoon around in his bowl. “Do you retract your statement?”

“Absolutely,” she said. “I take it back, all of it. Who’s the bully now?”

“Still you,” he replied. “But that’s okay. I still lo–”

Liam paused mid-sentence, his mouth still agape while the rest of his statement hung in the air. I still love you for it. It was the very word that got them into trouble the month prior. Kiernan told Lydia and Carmen that she loved them all of the time. Hell, she constantly joked with Niall that her quirks were what he had to love about her. Liam was just as much of a friend to her as anyone else she said it casually to, and yet every time it came out of their mouths, it felt different, like it had an entirely other meaning.

It didn’t though. It couldn’t.

* * * * * * *

“It’s so weird seeing you some place without Lydia and Carmen,” Niall commented, filling up Kiernan’s wine glass nearly to the brim with rosé. At this point, Kiernan thought her friend group just wanted any excuse to drink during the week without just going on a random Thursday night binge so instead they planned a Valentine’s Day party for all of the single friends in their group to get together and apparently drink their sorrows away. Nobody at the party seemed particularly upset about being single though. In all fairness, she was one of the two girls at the party and she hardly ever hung out with the girl that was there. Tish wasn’t a huge fan of Lydia, Kiernan knew that much, but she typically steered clear of the three girls just out of their association with her.

“They just had to go on and get boyfriends that they’re actually happy with, what a drag,” Kiernan joked, taking a long sip of her wine. Even if it was an entirely male party (essentially), she made sure that everything was pink and red, toxic masculinity be damned. Liam let everyone come to his apartment, mostly because all of his roommates were single so nobody needed it to woo their significant others, so Kiernan set up all of the bottles of rosé and candies before everyone arrived. Liam had even instructed the pizzeria to make the pepperoni in the shape of a heart, which in theory would have been cute if it wasn’t for what Niall called an “Anti-Love Party.” Kiernan knew he was just particularly bitter because he had gone on a few dates with a girl he was super into who then got back together with her ex instead of continuing to see him.

“At least we have each other, right Kier?” Niall asked, slinking an arm around her shoulder.

“I’m not having drunk pity sex with you, Niall,” she replied.

He merely laughed, bringing the rim of his beer bottle to his lips with his free hand. “I wouldn’t dare come between you and Liam, anyways,” he said before he took a sip of his drink. “It’s inevitable.”

“It is not inevitable, it’s impossible,” she replied. “I think you’ve had a bit too much to drink during your self-proclaimed Anti Love party, Ni.”

“Sober, drunk, I’m right regardless,” he said with a shrug. “You’ll see. And now I must go before you beat the shit out of me in front of all of my friends. Besides, I see a slice of pizza left that’s calling my name.”

“Get outta here, Niall,” she replied, jokingly shoving him towards the pizza.

“Just remember what I said!” he yelled over his shoulder.

Kiernan just rolled her eyes at him, turning on her heel to survey the rest of the party. In reality, it was just a bunch of twenty-somethings procrastinating whatever assignments they had due and drinking while they could still get away with it. Not that this reality would have stopped her, she was in the same boat. Graduation was impending and the only thing Kiernan knew that would happen after she walked across that stage was a dinner with her family.

Everything else was a blur and she tried her hardest not to let that bother her every single day. Some days it was easier to ignore than others, but without Carmen and Lydia by her side, it made her wonder if this is what things were going to be like after college was over and everyone went their separate ways. She knew she was staying in the city, but everyone else’s plans were up in the air, all dependent on where the job offers were coming from.

“Hey Kier, you look like you’re worried or something,” Liam said, walking directly in front of her.

She blinked a few times, snapping out of whatever daze she’d gotten herself into. “Ah yeah, sorry just got a bit distracted,” she apologized, immediately taking a sip of her drink. “This party is kind of weird. And sad.”

“Yeah,” he replied, nodding as he watched everyone chat in their designated groups of three. “Seems like a weird reason to have a party and Niall’s name for it doesn’t help.”

“Well, that’s just him being bitter, that’s all,” Kiernan said. “I’m just here for the wine, so.”

“And here I thought you were just really excited to come to my place and see your good ole pal Liam,” he replied. “I’m hurt, truly.”

“You’ll get over it,” she said. “Come on, I see an opening on the couch and I’m getting too lazy to stand and wander around any longer.”

He merely shook his head, following Kiernan’s lead over to the empty sofa. He sat down in the corner, Kiernan plopping down next to him, close enough for their thighs to touch. She shifted back and forth, pulling down the hem of her heart-printed skirt until she got comfortable. She fought the urge to let her body rest against Liam, keeping her back almost straight against the back of the couch instead. It was uncomfortable, but every time she got this close to Liam, things always tended to cross the line one way or another and it was far too cliché for it to happen on Valentine’s Day.

She tried to shake Niall’s comments out of her head, but the word inevitable keep surfacing. The more she drank, the more she thought about it. She mentally cursed Niall for plaguing her mind with thoughts of her and Liam. It was hard enough to fight her subconscious. She couldn’t control her dreams at night and every time Liam popped up, she felt like she didn’t look at him the same the next time that she saw him.

“I think we spent last Valentine’s Day like this,” Liam commented, resting the bottom of his glass on his thigh.

“There were considerably less people, if I remember correctly,” Kiernan replied. She shouldn’t have played along, but she was starting to feel the wine and Liam’s subtle cologne was intoxicating enough on its own. “You even cooked, mostly because neither of us could afford takeout.”

Liam laughed, bringing a hand to his chest while he seemed to sink back into his seat. “My culinary skills are lacking but at least I know how to make pasta,” he said.

“With your pasta and my mashed potatoes, we could have a full carb meal,” Kiernan replied. “Such a balanced diet.”

“The poster children for health, right here ladies and gentlemen,” Liam joked. “In the moment, you seemed slightly impressed.”

“Nobody had ever cooked for me before,” Kiernan admitted.

“Well, I was glad to be the first,” he said. “Hopefully the experience didn’t scar you forever.”

“It was probably one of my best Valentine’s Days,” she replied, regretting the words before they even left her mouth. “Besides that time in fifth grade where Freddie Lucas gave me my own valentine, a piece of chocolate, and a big ole smooch on the lips after lunch.”

“Well I mean, how could I ever compete with Freddie Lucas and his incredibly smooth moves?” Liam replied. “I’m just happy I’m even ranked.”

“I mean, it is one of the highest honors,” Kiernan said.

“Oh, I’m fully aware,” Liam replied. “I would never take it for granted.”

Kiernan laughed, her body curling towards Liam until she nearly tucked her face into his neck. “I’m happy we have this established now,” she said. “What was your best Valentine’s Days?"

“I mean, I didn’t ever get to kiss Freddie Lucas so I guess it has to be last year’s,” he replied. Kiernan wasn’t sure when he had slipped his arm around her shoulder, but she certainly didn’t push him away when he gently nudged her body closer to his. “But I guess the one thing Freddie Lucas can’t do is kiss you right now.”

“And what makes you think that you can?” Kiernan asked.

“Well, I wouldn’t do anything that you didn’t want,” Liam replied.

Why was it always what Kiernan wanted? She didn’t know what she wanted. Did she want to be just friends? Or did she want to take Liam back to his bedroom and pretend that there wasn’t a party happening just outside of his door? She knew she couldn’t have both, but in the moment, she thought maybe, just maybe she could get away with it and nothing would go wrong.

“I think in order to do what I want, we might have to find a change of scenery,” she finally said. “Just don’t make eye contact with Niall.”

“Same goes to you,” he replied. They lingered in their embrace on the couch for a few more moments, but not long enough for Kiernan to regret what she had said. She merely followed Liam’s lead, keeping her head down so she didn’t have to see Niall’s smirk. Maybe it was inevitable, but at least it was by her stupid choice. She wasn’t sure she could blame it entirely on the alcohol this time. She would have to take responsibility, something she wasn’t sure she was ready for.

“Is your room ever not tidy?” Kiernan asked, her perfect view of Liam’s room immediately cut off by his face. He inched forward, leaving Kiernan to close the door to his room with her back. His hand glided against her hip, brushing past her body to turn the lock on his door before it settled onto her hips.

“Your fascination with my clean room never fails to amuse me,” he murmured, brushing her hair off of her shoulders with his free hand. Kiernan tilted her head back in anticipation, her lips left parted while they basked in the moment. Liam followed her cues, pressing his lips gently against the skin of her neck. They had a perfect system, yet Kiernan had never gotten bored of his teasing. “I’ve missed you, Kier,” he said, his warm breath spreading across her skin.

“Will you show me too?” she asked, grinding her hips forward. She could feel Liam’s laughter, his chest pressed tightly against herself.

Liam’s fingers disappeared under the hem of her skirt, toying with the lace edges of her underwear. With his fingers hooked around the left side, he started to tug them down gently, always careful not to rip or tear anything after an incident during one of their first hookups. Kiernan spread her legs to make his job easier, the fabric gliding against the skin of her thighs until they got stuck around her knees. She shimmied her legs, letting them fall to the floor, still hooked around her ankles.

Kiernan initiated their kiss, placing one hand on his cheek and the other on the back of his head. Her fingers threaded through his hair, tugging gently to keep his mouth anchored to hers. This was different than their kiss back in December. There was a sense of urgency like never before, their bodies melding against each other after almost a year apart.

“Bed,” Kiernan muttered between kisses, breaking apart only for a split second before she trapped Liam’s top lip between hers again. He obliged without question, taking short steps backwards until the back of his shins hit the edge of his mattress. With an arm wrapped around Kiernan’s waist, Liam started to fall backwards, using his free hand to feel for the mattress beneath him. Even when he was trying to be gentle, the two of them still fell against the mattress with a loud oof, Kiernan’s body draped limply over Liam’s.

“That wasn’t as smooth as I would have liked,” Liam groaned.

“It’s fine,” Kiernan said, adjusting her legs until they were placed on either side of Liam. She bent her knees slightly until she was straddling his waist. Her fingers trailed down his chest until they touched the bare skin of her legs. With Liam’s eyes on her every movement, Kiernan tiptoed her fingers towards the hem of her skirt, pushing it further up her legs until it barely concealed any of her thighs.

“Kier,” Liam said, his voice low and gruff.

She pushed her hair behind her ears, her hands now resting gently across his chest. Her lips were curled into a faint smirk when she looked down at Liam, planning what her next move would be. That was, until she saw the look on his face. Liam’s gaze didn’t falter from Kiernan at all, his lips left slightly agape while he waited to see what she wanted to do. She swallowed the lump in her throat, the smirk slowly fading from her lips.

Kiernan couldn’t ignore the look in his eyes. It wasn’t the way that someone looked at their friend and it certainly wasn’t the way someone looked at their hookup either.

“I…I don’t think I can do this,” Kiernan said, pushing herself away from Liam. He seemed stunned for a moment, unmoving as she struggled to get off of the mattress and back onto her feet. “I’m sorry, I have to go. I…fuck where are my underwear. Shit, shit, shit.”

Liam watched wordlessly as she swore, spinning in circles around his room until she found her underwear crumpled up on the floor near the door. She didn’t even check to see if they weren’t turned inside out before she slipped them back on, using the door as support while she balanced on one leg at a time. She didn’t have the heart to turn back and look at Liam. She knew it was wrong, but she couldn’t do it, not when he looked at her like that.

She had seen that look once before. It was late in the summer and they were sitting on her building’s rooftop with spiked lemonade. They were just sitting and talking, not a single physical thing happening. But there was nothing more intimate than the way Liam looked at her when the sun was setting, like there wasn’t a single other thing around him that deserved his attention. She knew he almost said it then, those three little words that people longed to hear. She could feel it because she wanted to say them too. Instead, she just pointed towards the sunset and made a comment about its colors, ruining their moment because she couldn’t cross that line.

Kiernan ignored Niall when she left, barely taking the time to pull on her boots and grab her coat. She wanted to call Lydia or Carmen, but they were both enjoying nights with their boyfriends. The only other person she would have called was Liam and she couldn’t exactly talk to him about something that directly involved him. She felt pathetic shivering on the sidewalk alone, trying to call a Lyft to get her home before she started to cry in public.

Part of her thought Liam might chase after her. That’s what happened in the movies, anyways. Liam would come outside in the cold without a jacket on and maybe she’d cry and admit that she was done playing her stupid little game and they’d kiss and everything would fix itself. But that’s not what happened in real life. Liam’s job wasn’t to come in and fix everything when Kiernan pretended that her feelings didn’t exist. It wasn’t only up to him, but she couldn’t muster up the courage to go back inside and talk to Liam face to face. So she stood outside alone in the cold and cried to herself, waiting for her Lyft to come whisk her away from the mess that she caused.

* * * * * * *

Four weeks and three days.

That’s how long it had been since Kiernan and Liam had last spoken. Liam tried to call twice, right after Kiernan stormed out of his apartment on Valentine’s Day. He tried twice more the next day, but Kiernan skipped class and stayed in bed all day with the blankets over her head until she felt sufficiently numb. She didn’t blame him for not putting any more effort into it after that. It would have been pointless. She was impossible to deal with. She could barely even put up with herself, why would she expect anyone else to?

Lydia and Carmen could barely get a word about it out of Kiernan. She was so upset after that night that all she wanted to do was surround herself with her best friends and let everything spill out of her. But, like clockwork, Kiernan did was she did best–she bottled everything up and pretended it never happened. They didn’t have a moment. Kiernan didn’t feel anything in the pit of her stomach when Liam’s arms were around her. Kiernan didn’t feel anything because there was nothing to feel. They were friends, strictly friends.

Her friends were patient for the first month. They didn’t mention Liam or try to push or pry when it wasn’t welcome. As much as they enjoyed making their comments in the past, Kiernan knew that Lydia and Carmen would never make a situation worse by trying to rush it. But they also knew Kiernan all too well, enough to know that sometimes they had to push her boundaries to knock some sense into her. She was stubborn in her ways, keeping herself guarded to save herself the heartbreak in the end. But what use was it staying so guarded when she still felt hurt after what she had done to Liam?

The trio skipped a party at Liam’s apartment to have a girls’ night in at Carmen’s place while her roommates were out. They were in almost identical ensembles, a pair of black leggings and various oversized sweatshirts that they had all nicked over the years from the men in their lives. Kiernan’s thankfully wasn’t Liam’s, but she had trouble remembering which ex she had stolen it from.

“It’s been so long since it’s just been the three of us,” Carmen gushed, plopping down onto the small arm chair angled towards the couch that Lydia and Kiernan were sharing. “I missed my girls.”

“I thought the last semester was supposed to be easy,” Lydia complained. “Or do they make it harder just to see who they can break right before graduation?”

“That’s what it feels like,” Carmen said. “Kier, I swear, I’ve never seen you work harder on something than your capstone project. You’re always in some coffee shop or the library!”

“Just trying to keep myself busy, that’s all,” she replied. “I’m so used to procrastinating that it feels nice to get some of it out of the way, even if I’ll still probably be scrambling to get everything put together at the end.”

“Ah, the beauty of college,” Lydia sighed. “Are we going to miss it when it’s over?”

“Probably the parties over the schoolwork,” Kiernan replied. “I don’t know how much longer you can get away with binge-drinking on Wednesday nights, unless you’re a finance bro or some shit.”

“True that,” Carmen said. “So, you’ve just been working really hard on your capstone project? Come on Kier, last time we talked you just let me and Carmen talk about Shiv and Julian the whole time and barely chimed in with anything of your own.”

“Guys, I know what you’re alluding to but I’m really not–”

“Really not in the mood to talk about it, we know,” Lydia said, finishing Kiernan’s sentence. “Kier, we’re honestly not trying to push you but we’re also kind of trying to push you. Okay, I’ll admit it. But it’s not to tease you or to be like, malicious with it. It’s truly out of love and concern for our best friend who clearly just doesn’t know what the hell is going on. Which is fine! None of us do!”

“Lyd, look, I appreciate it but I just…I can’t talk about it,” Kiernan said.

Lydia sighed. “Kier,” she said softly, shifting her body so she was facing Kiernan. “You don’t have to pretend with us, okay? Just for once, can you let yourself have feelings in front of other people instead of waiting until you’re by yourself? It doesn’t have to be as lonely as you make it.”

“I don’t even know if they’re feelings,” Kiernan replied, looking towards the ceiling. She ran her fingers through the hair near her temples, pulling it upward until it fell in frizzy waves against her cheeks. “I just don’t know anything at all.”

“Welcome to the boat,” Carmen said, chiming in from her seat. “Kier, I don’t know where you’ve been, but nobody has their shit together. Not you, not me, not Lyd, not my thirty-year-old neighbor, not a single person. If everyone had the answers to everything, then what would the fun or challenge be in life? How dull would every day be?”

“It’d be a hell of a lot less painful,” Kiernan said.

“It hurts because you’re trying to keep everything in,” Carmen replied. “And because you already have a predetermined idea of how everything is going to play out. For someone who is fairly optimistic, you don’t see your own relationships longterm and it’s upsetting. Just because you don’t 100% see you and Liam going the distance for whatever reason, you’re afraid of being with him except you really want to be with him so you try to find loopholes where you can have him in your life as a friend but also get to like see him naked and shit, I don’t know what gets you off, that’s your business.”

“It’s not that,” Kiernan tried to defend herself, but it was a weak argument.

Carmen wasn’t wrong. She wasn’t necessarily correct either, but that was partially because Kiernan couldn’t even keep her reasoning straight. She spent the greater part of the past three years trying to figure out where she and Liam stood without ever including him in the conversation. They never had “the talk” or really pushed each other to making the move. It genuinely was, from the outside at least, just a perfect scenario of friends who also had sex purely out of convenience. It was what was beneath the surface that would tarnish the pretty exterior. The jealousy (Kiernan would deny it until the day she died), the secret pining, the feelings, everything in the equation did not add up to platonic, no matter how hard Kiernan tried to make sure it all made sense.

“Then can you please tell us what it is? We’re just as lost as you, Kier, but we want to help,” Lydia asked.

“It’s…I don’t know, maybe it is all of that,” she said, finally giving in with a huff of frustration. “I’m not like, guarded because an ex-treated me like garbage. I’ve had exes and no we’re not friends but in the grand scheme of things, they were okay guys, things just didn’t work out. But with Liam…I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m afraid of losing him as a friend or just don’t think that I deserve someone like him.”

“Kier, that whole ‘someone like you is too good to be with someone like me’ mentality is Hollywood bullshit,” Carmen said. “It is. Total BS. You’re an incredibly gracious friend with a warm heart and Liam is equally as gracious and warm except he is a bit tidier than you are.”

Kiernan couldn’t help it, she snorted at Carmen’s comment before she could even open her mouth to reply. “I just…he’s just…it wasn’t supposed to happen like this,” she finally said. “It was a perfect system.”

“It was a flawed system,” Lydia replied. “You two were fucked from the start. And not in a bad way. It’s just…you two were never going to be just friends. I think eventually you two were going to come together–not like that, but also like that–with time. You guys just kind of complicated it by fucking on the daily and pretending like you two were just best friends who weren’t doing kinky shit behind the scenes with each other. And now here you are years later trying to sort out three years’ worth of complicated feelings that you’ve been convincing yourself didn’t exist when they like, very clearly did.”

“It’s really not that kink–okay, that is beside the point,” Kiernan replied, choosing her argument wisely. “I just…look, I’m just afraid that if one day down the line if either of us decide that we’re sick of each other then that’s it. It’s over. We can’t just go back to us being just friends who are now exes who were formerly just friends with benefits who were pretending they didn’t have feelings for each other the whole time.”

“Kier, that’s just what happens in life sometimes,” Lydia said. “Not to play devil’s advocate, but whether or not you and Liam decide to figure what the fuck is going on with your emotions, you’ll be friends. You’re either going to be whatever weird version of friends you are now or you’re going to decide to just do the damn thing and be together and still be best friends. You could lose him either way. People have friend breakups all the time, just like they have romantic breakups. Does the possibility of having a friend breakup stop you from making friends?”

Kiernan knew it was a rhetorical question, but she answered it for herself in her head.No, of course not. “Why are feelings so complicated?” she asked.

“Because they are, I don’t know what you want me to tell you, babe,” Carmen replied. “Listen, this is the last thing I’m going to say, okay? I don’t know about Lyds, but this is it for me. You and Liam separately are great people and together, even just as friends, are incredible. I think–and have always thought–you two would be great together, but understand that sometimes things need time. The two of you have zero plans of leaving the city after graduation. You say you don’t know what you want, which is fine if you truly don’t, but don’t try to bottle up your feelings if you’re having them, okay? Holding them in makes something that’s not supposed to be painful hurt. I don’t want that for you. Lydia doesn’t want that for you. And Liam most certainly doesn’t want that for you. So for once, just don’t bottle these things up. Let it out, Kier. You’ve been keeping it all in for so long. Just do it when you’re ready. Only you will know when the time is right, but you know damn well the two of us will try to nudge you along.”

* * * * * * *

Lydia and Carmen were true to their word. They didn’t push or nudge Kiernan before she was ready to face the truth. She needed more time. This time, it wasn’t to try to talk herself out of it. She just had to think everything through. She’d already fucked it up twice (more times than that, if she really thought about it). She wasn’t sure how many more times they could go through the motions just for one of them to back out last minute, too afraid to make the arbitrary next step.

She missed hanging out with Liam one on one. She spent a lot of time at home studying rather than holed up in their favorite coffee shops around the city. They saw each other still at parties and out at bars, but things weren’t like they were before Valentine’s Day and Kiernan wasn’t sure they could ever go back to normal until she made sense of what was going on in her head.

There was only a month left in the semester and Kiernan was focusing mainly on her capstone project and getting through her last couple of finals over anything else. Schoolwork was the perfect distraction, something she had never said throughout her entire college experience. Spending time in the library was the easiest excuse to get out of things, even if she didn’t feel proud about doing it. Part of her felt like she was ignoring the issue, but even Carmen said only Kiernan would know when the time was right. She was just having a hard time deciding when that was. Would there ever be a perfect time to do it or did she just have to rip the band-aid off?

Kiernan knew she could reach out to Lydia and Carmen again, but they couldn’t make decisions for her. They could just listen and try to guide Kier as best as they could. No matter how many conversations she had with her friends, the only person who could make the decision was Kiernan. She just had a hard time admitting it to herself.

Maybe it was just best to go back to the beginning, back before everything got convoluted with time and feelings.

It all started with a text message. Well, it really all started with being lab partners in their required biology class during their first semester. They exchanged numbers on the first day and Kiernan didn’t really expect much out of it besides having to work together on things throughout the semester. Then she ran into him at a party with Lydia and Carmen at the end of September and she got a text from him the next morning asking if she could help work on a lab report with him.

It hit her on a Friday night. She chose to stay in rather than heading out to a few bars in the East Village with her friends. She couldn’t get in the mood to go out, too unmotivated to change out of her leggings and loose sweater ensemble that she sported anytime she was in the comfort of her own home.

She wasn’t sure what came over her, but she certainly didn’t stop herself when she found Liam’s contact in her phone. She barely hesitated when she tapped the message bubble, opening up their previous text thread.

Hey Liam, are you around tonight? I’m not going out with everyone else but need some motivation to work on my capstone.

The blue bubble lingered in sight, her finger tapping the screen every time it started to dim. She knew she shouldn’t have obsessed over it, but the nerves were starting to set in. Maybe it was too soon or maybe she had missed her chance, taking too long to start to sort everything out.

Kiernan tried to distract herself. She pulled out her notes for her capstone project, her eyes glazing over while she read the same paragraph over and over. It was pointless to even try, her mind was still focused on the fact that her text still went unanswered. She knew it was ridiculous to assume that he was waiting by his phone, eager for a text from the girl who has been confusing him incessantly since they first met.

She was embarrassed to know that it took thirty-five minutes to finally hear back from Liam. She all but jumped when she saw her screen light up again, a new message notification in the center of her screen.

I’m just at home studying. The guys are all gone for the weekend so I figured I could attempt to get something done. Do you want to come by?

Do you mind? Only my dad is home and he’s watching basketball really loudly in the living room.

Of course not. You know the code, come over whenever you want.

Cool, thanks Liam.

Kiernan didn’t bother with changing her outfit or her hair. She merely gathered up her books, tossed her laptop into a tote bag, and all but rushed out of the apartment before she could talk herself out of it. There was no use in prolonging it anymore. She just couldn’t think about it. The more she stayed in her head, the easier it was to talk herself out of it. She wasn’t sure that was an option anymore.

Even still, she could barely keep her legs from bouncing while she sat on the subway, letting her eyes wander around the train car in search of any distraction. There was a baby in a stroller, someone balancing their guitar case while the track rocked back and forth. She counted every single stop, anxious to get off and make the three block walk to Liam’s place. She wasn’t even sure what she was going to say or when she was going to say it. Kiernan was just really banking on Carmen’s assurance that she would know when the time was right. She just had to hope that she could follow her own cues instead of forcing something to happen when it wasn’t ready yet.

Her legs didn’t stop shaking by the time she got to the front stoop of his building. She lingered on the front steps in the brisk night air, pulling the lapels of her jacket closer together while she took a few deep breaths. She was already there and told Liam she was on her way, going back now would make it look suspicious.

She felt like she was floating when she walked up the two flights of stairs to his apartment, her mind wandering at every opportunity to switch topics from Liam. She tried to think about her capstone project, what her plans would be for the next day, literally anything that could come to mind to keep her from obsessing over the one thing that she kept coming back to.

There was no turning back when she was face to face with the door to his apartment, her hand already curled into a fist and lingering over the wooden surface. Once she knocked, something had to happen, whether it was the conversation she was planning all along or an awkward night in with Liam. Either way, she knew standing outside of his apartment door wasn’t the way to go about it, so she finally just knocked, two soft raps against the door.

It didn’t take long for her to hear footsteps on the other side of the door, but she still felt her heart start to beat faster as the locks clicked. Kiernan saw a sliver of the inside of Liam’s apartment before she saw his face, her nerves settling momentarily until her eyes landed on his face.

“Hey,” Liam said, opening the door wide for Kiernan to come inside. “Is it still cold outside? I’d be lying if I said I left the apartment today.”

“It’s pretty nice, still kind of cold though,” she replied, letting the door close softly behind her. “In all fairness, I barely left the house today as well though. Wasn’t really up for it.”

“Well, I’m glad you decided to venture out,” he said. “Do you want anything to drink? I think I have wine around here somewhere…”

“Water is fine, honestly,” she replied, earning a quirked brow from Liam. “Wine and studying don’t mix.”

“Right,” Liam said, nodding at her explanation. “Well, I’ll get you some water then. Feel free to make yourself comfortable. I mean, not that I have to tell you that but…”

“I know the drill,” she replied. “Blanket Hog Reid is back in business.”

Liam laughed, shaking his head before disappearing into the kitchen. Kiernan kicked off her sneakers at the door, dragging her bag into the living room. She grabbed the knitted throw blanket off of the back of the sofa, draping it over her legs while she settled into the left side of the couch, setting her bag down on the floor.

When he came back into the living room with two glasses of water, he didn’t seem surprised at all that Kiernan had claimed the only blanket as hers, merely setting the glasses down onto the coffee table before he took a seat on the center cushion. “On a scale of one to ten, what are our chances of actually getting schoolwork done?” Liam asked.

“I’m 99% sure that everything in my bag right now is merely just a prop,” she replied. “I thought the word ‘study’ was just our code for hanging out.”

“One of these days I thought we might actually get some work done, but I guess we only need to worry about that for another month,” Liam pointed out. “What’s going to be our excuse when we graduate?”

“I don’t know, maybe we should just stop pretending that we need an excuse,” she said.

“I think that could work too,” Liam replied. “Probably should’ve done that all along so we didn’t seem so lazy.”

“Well, you know, everything seems like a better idea in retrospect,” she said with a shrug. “Not sure when it started or why it stuck. Well, I mean, I guess I know why it stuck but–”

“You really don’t have to…we don’t have to…” Liam stuttered, interrupting Kiernan before she could finish her sentence.

“But we should,” Kiernan said. She tried to seem calm, but her insides felt like they were twisting in knots. Her cheeks were no doubt flushed, the heat running from her chest straight up to her head. “I...I missed you, I guess? Is that a stupid way to start?”

“Kier, it’s me, you can just…talk,” Liam told her, sliding his hand across the sofa so it was within arm’s reach.

She sucked in a deep breath, letting it out in one long sigh. “Sometimes I think I don’t know how to act around you anymore. Which like, doesn’t have anything to do with you and has everything to do with me. Which is so fucking cliché but…sorry, I’m rambling. Am I rambling?”

“Kier,” Liam said, flipping his hand so his palm was facing up. She looked down, her eyes scanning over the faint lines in his skin. Without hesitating, Kiernan slid her palm into his, letting his fingers close gently around her hand.

“I don’t know what I want, Liam,” she said. “I don’t know what I want in life, in anything, but…I just don’t want that getting in the way anymore.”

“Of what?” he asked.

Kiernan was almost laughing, every single kind of emotion expelling from her. “Of us, of life, of anything,” she explained. “I’m sick of second-guessing everything I do around you because I’m afraid of making a mess out of our lives. Or rather, even more of a mess. I mean, what the fuck was Valentine’s Day? Or Christmas? Or that time on my roof over the summer? We get so close just to have me fuck it all up in the end. It’s just…it’s not fair.”

“I don’t know why you’re blaming yourself for anything, Kier,” Liam said, keeping his voice low. Kiernan’s shoulders were starting to shake, her breath becoming more sporadic. She didn’t want to make a big scene, but everything she tried to bury started to surface and she wasn’t sure she could control it anymore.

“Because if I don’t blame myself for anything, then what was all of this for?” Kiernan asked. “Why have we spent the past three years doing everything in our power to be together but also not be together?”

“Because we weren’t ready, Kiernan,” Liam said. “We needed time to just...be.”

“But what makes now the right time? How do we…how do we ever know?” she asked.

“We don’t,” Liam said. “But you’re here and you’re actually talking about it instead of running away so I mean…I’m taking it as a good sign.”

Kiernan couldn’t help but chuckle, using her free hand to dab under her eyes. “For fucks sake, I’m crying,” she swore, trying to stop the tears before they fell. “I was just sitting home alone and I just…I don’t know, I guess I just finally needed to let it out…let you know…whatever this is.”

“Come here,” Liam murmured, pulling his hand back. He held his arms open for Kiernan, adjusting his legs on the couch so there was room for her.

She merely nodded, leaning forward until her knees were pressed into the cushions of the sofa. She crawled forward, letting herself fall into Liam, his arms immediately wrapping around her waist. Kiernan’s chin rested on Liam’s shoulders, her face tucked into his neck while she tried to catch her breath.

“I think…I’m just tired of pretending, Liam,” she said, letting out a heavy sigh. “I’m just tired.”

“I know,” he replied, smoothing out the end of her hair with his palm. “Kier I just need to know if this is going to stick. I can’t…there’s only so many times I can do this.”

Kiernan nodded, taking in one last deep breath. Slowly, she slid her hands from his chest up to his shoulders. Her fingers bunched together the fabric of his sweatshirt, her head slowly raising out of the crook of his neck. This wasn’t new for them, but Kiernan hadn’t felt this close to Liam in a long time.

“This isn’t like the other times,” Kiernan murmured. Everything felt like it was moving in slow motion. The tip of Kiernan’s nose brushed against Liam’s, her right hand sliding off of his shoulder towards the back of his neck. “I don’t want to mess this up.”

“You’re not going to mess anything up,” Liam told her, rubbing gentle circles into the small of her back. Liam’s eyes were closed when Kiernan finally leaned down, angling her head so their noses didn’t bump. “Kier…” he murmured, his hand now firmly pressed against her back.

There wasn’t any time for talking when she finally gapped the distance between their lips. The last time they had each other like this, they were urgent, like it was something that might not happen between them again. This time, everything felt raw, less calculated, like she wasn’t afraid of everything she was feeling in the pit of her stomach.

“Would it…be wrong…to ask…if we could…move to…your room?” Kiernan asked, breaking their kiss to try to spit the question out.

Liam didn’t bother to respond with words. He merely planted his feet firmly on the ground, holding tightly onto Kiernan’s waist while he stood up. She squealed when he hoisted her up higher, her legs wrapping around his waist while he started to stumble through his apartment.

“Thank god we’ve practiced this part,” she joked, brushing a stray piece of hair out of her eyes.

“Thank god indeed.”

* * * * * * *

Kiernan was certain if she tried to unload more one cardboard box, her arms were going to fall off. She knew how much of a nightmare moving was from Lydia and Carmen but she didn’t realize how sore she was going to be just after two days of trying to make her apartment livable. All she wanted to do was unpack her clothes and books and have something to sit on, but all she accomplished was filling her room in with boxes and creating a mess with the belongings she managed to get unpacked without realizing she had nowhere to put them.

“Liam, I think I’m dying,” Kiernan complained, kneeling down on her mattress on the floor before collapsing onto her chest. “Who let me decide that moving out was a good idea?”

“I believe that person was you,” Liam pointed out, breaking down the box of books that he just unpacked onto part of her IKEA shelf. “You were very adamant about moving after you got that job offer.”

“It was stupid,” she groaned, her voice muffled by the mattress. “I’m going to be poor and sore.”

“We were already poor before you moved into your own place,” Liam pointed out. “And the sore part? Well, that I can’t really help you with.”

For as many things that Kiernan didn’t know in her life, things had a way of falling into place after graduation. She upped her hours at the office while she tried to sort out the details of her professional life, saving up every cent for the day that she was ready to leave the nest and live away from her parents for the first time in twenty-two years. She could only assume an act of god helped her get an entry level job at an agency at the end of July. It took her two weeks of working full-time to realize she couldn’t live the life she needed to while she was living at home.

Kiernan, admittedly, spent a lot of time after (and before) graduation at Liam’s place, but she didn’t want to rely on his apartment solely for a moment of privacy. At least, privacy away from parents and siblings. As much as her parents loved and adored Liam, she wasn’t sure their change in relationship would make the situation any different.

The second act of god turned out to be one of Lydia’s friends that Kiernan knew only by association and running into her at a few parties. She needed a new roommate at her apartment in Williamsburg near the bridge. It had no elevator and they lived on the third floor, but Kiernan was just excited it wasn’t on floor six. There were only three girls in the apartment including Kiernan and at one point or another, they had all met and drunkenly complimented each other, which automatically meant they were suitable to live with.

“Stop being productive and come lay down with me,” Kiernan said, rolling over onto her back so she was no longer struggling to breathe with her nose pressed against the thin fitted sheet she put on her mattress so it wasn’t just bare on her floor.

“Fine, but I’m all sweaty and you’re going to complain about it,” he replied. Kiernan braced herself for his landing, knowing he was going to do the same thing he always did. Without fail, Liam pretended to fall forward onto Kiernan, sticking out his arms at the last second to catch himself.

“You’re annoying,” she said, pushing his shoulders so he could roll over onto his back next to her rather than straddle her while they were both hot and sweaty. “But I still love and appreciate you anyways for helping me move and for building furniture in the near future when it all arrives.”

“What good would I be as a boyfriend if I didn’t at least help you try to furnish your room?” he asked. “Though, I would like to state on the record that even if we weren’t dating right now, I would still do it for you because you’re my friend and that’s just what friends do.”

“Well, that’s very sweet, Liam,” she told him, using the back of her hand to pat his chest gently. “I think I’m already ready for a break and we’ve only been unpacking for a few hours today.”

He chuckled, his shoulders brushing against Kiernan’s. “At this pace it’s going to take you two months to move in,” he pointed out.

“Then so be it!” she replied. “You’ll still be here to build whatever I need.”

“In two months? I sure as hell hope so,” he said.

“Good,” she replied. “Glad we’re on the same page then.”

“Finally,” he added, nudging her in the side.

#1dff #exchanges

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