#and i did and my therapist was like no dont sweat that you dont have it
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i don't actually know if any of my silent following keeps tabs on me or is interested in what's going on in my life, but i'm pivoting from my general jewish studies focus into elementary education. i'm hoping to be able to start as a teacher in 2025, not bad all hiccups and tirespikes on the road to finishing college for me!
#my post#i always love talking about myself and my life#i have been craving the experience of like#one of those stupidly fast connection relationships#that are kinda toxic bc they Move Too Fast#but just the feeling of getting to explain things in my life to a new person#and hear about theirs#it's interesting#but i dont seek it out anymore bc i get too crazy#i had my psychologist give me a tip that i may have bipolar personality disorder and i should talk to my therapist abotu it#and i did and my therapist was like no dont sweat that you dont have it#and so im not sweating it BUT i am#keeping an eye on myself regarding how i evaluate making and forming connections with new people
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Hii I love your blog ♡ I dont know if you're still taking asks but if yes how would France, Germany and England react to a s/o telling them they had been abused and have ptsd?
hetalia france, germany, and england with a s/o who has ptsd
1.8k words ~ gender neutral headcanons / scenarios
tw: obvs. mentions of trauma but nothing specific
a/n: sorry for being gone so long. my life is like a poor little weasel getting hit by a big hammer rn. hope this lives up to ur expectations anon !!! <3
France
- When you tell him, he's not surprised. He's spent so much time around you that he had always had his suspicions.
- But even so, when you first revealed the details of what you had gone through... Francis couldn't stop himself from crying. Seeing you now, knowing how you had been hurt, just broke his heart.
”No one will ever treat you like that again, ok?“ Francis told you, his voice shaking as he held you tightly against his chest, ”Never. Not as long as you live.“
- Considering how soft he already is around you, his behaviour changes very little after that.
- But, now, whenever he has the inevitable urge to run away, he just can't. He remembers how people have treated you before, and realizes that he can't be selfish like that to you ever again. So, fights with Francis are going to be more like discussions in a therapist's office.
- He'd never raise his voice to you or blame you for anything you didn't intend to do. Having gone through similar trauma himself, he remembers how long it took for him to fully move on from that; so any emotional outbursts on your part are easily forgiven.
- But in general, he's just very forgiving.
- Although he may be a great boyfriend to someone with PTSD, he might also become a little more controlling. Events that he wouldn't have batted an eye at you attending before might become a problem, as he worries about you being able to protect yourself.
- Friends who he used to mildly dislike, he suddenly insists on you cutting off. It's like he thinks of you as some delicate flower. It's all with the best of intentions, but it will be annoying for a while.
- Other than that though, he'd be such a calm, comforting presence to a S/O with trauma.
It had been such a long time since you'd had a nightmare about being back there. You couldn't even remember what the dream was about, all you knew was that you were back there. Which was more than enough to rip you from your slumber, sending you into a panic you hadn't experienced in months.
But as you shot up, sweat dripping down your forehead and heart pumping, Francis was right there beside you. In a flash, he turned on the bedside lamp and shook himself out of his sleep, immediately turning to focus on you.
”Mon chéri, did it happen again?“ He asked softly, adjusting himself so he gave you plenty of space on the bed.
You nodded, and he only sighed, ”That's alright, Y/N, you're gonna get through this.“
Your hands still shook even as he tried to calm you down, your gaze flicking from side to side.
”Breath with me, amour, breath with me...” He chided, resting a gentle hand against your chest.
“1... Breath in,” He took a deep breath, making sure you followed along, ”Breath out.“
For the next few minutes, not a word was exchanged between you two other than Francis guiding you through slowing your panicked heart.
”You did so good, Y/N...“ Is all he says as your hands finally stop shaking, ”I'm so proud of you. That wasn't easy, alright? But you did perfectly.“
You can't help but smile at his incessant praises, ”Can we just go to sleep now?“
”Do you want me to hold you while you sleep?” He chuckles, leaning closer to you.
“Maybe...”
Germany
- Ludwig wouldn't be angry, he wouldn't be sad, he wouldn't get upset at all when you tell him about your abuse. At least, not outwardly. Internally he's about to stab someone, but to you, he's completely calm.
- He doesn't push you to explain more, but he does make it very clear that you can tell him everything. He won't judge you, he won't blame you, he won't invalidate anything, he just wants to exactly what happened so he can better help you.
- (He actually went to medical school, as well as getting a degree in psychology, so he knows what he's doing.)
- After that, he puts a lot of attention towards your triggers so he can help you deal with them as well as remove them as much as possible.
- He's coping with his own PTSD too, so any outbursts or instability is completely fine with him. He understands. He'd never take anything you say in the heat of the moment personally.
- Plus, he's like, never tired, so you can always call on him in an emergency. You're his top priority. Whatever you need to feel safe now, he doesn't mind helping with.
- He becomes a lot more protective as well. Whereas you two were a lot more independent from each other before, now he makes an effort to accompany you to anything that might make you upset. He just worries so much...
- If anyone or anything DOES upset you, he's releasing absolute hell onto that person. Normally he'd never make a scene, but with you? He is completely ok with making EVERYONE uncomfortable, just to make a point.
- Your problems and trauma don't bother him at all. If anything, he's glad to have a partner who can understand his struggles as well. You're both just moving past something as best as you can, and that's all that matters.
“It's been three years?” You thought to yourself as you sat still, staring out the window, ”It must've been less than that. No, it was just last month wasn't it?“
That's what you'd been telling yourself since you woke up. That day, it'd been three years since you had left. But it must've been some kind of trick. Some lie you'd been told. No, it couldn't've been.
So you sat, your dry eyes fixed on a swaying bush outside the window. If it had really been three years since then, then you must've been sitting for months. The house was quiet, and the weather was dreary. You hadn't eaten. Ludwig would be frustrated about that. But he wasn't here, so... it was alright.
Or at least, he shouldn't have been.
“Y/N?” Ludwig called out from somewhere else in the house. You didn't move. Even as his footsteps came closer and closer to where you sat, you didn't move.
“Liebling, are you ok?”
No response. He sighs, crouching down next to your chair.
“Is this because it's been three years?“
This time a response, as it seems like your body nodded involuntarily.
”Ah. I understand, my dear.“
He stood up again, setting down his bag from work.
”How long have you been sitting there?“
”I dunno...“ You croaked out, your voice clearly being out of use for quite a while.
”Do you want to keep sitting there?“
No response.
“Would you want to come walk Berlitz and the boys with me?“
A small nod. Ludwig walks over just to open the blinds a little more, just as the sun begins to shine into the room through a gap in the cloudy sky.
“Nice timing, isn't it?”
“Yeah...”
“Take your time getting ready. I'll be waiting downstairs whenever you want to go. I missed you today, Y/N.” And with that, he pressed a soft kiss to your forehead and walked downstairs.
England
- When you first told him, things didn't go... perfectly. Arthur is not a very comforting man in general, but when it comes to you, his love tends to manifest in, well... not the best ways.
- He became quite angry when you told him. Not because he was angry at you, but angry that someone could ever do that to you.
- But after he realized how that anger would have come across to you, he tried to explain away why he had reacted so harshly.
”Love, I- I didn't mean to... well, I'm not angry at you, ok? I promise. It's not like it was your damn fault! You're the victim! Of some- some twisted cunt-”
“Ok- but y-you're still yelling!”
“I'm not yelling at you- I'm yelling for you!”
- Don't worry, that's probably the last time he'll ever yell around you.
- After the initial panic and hatred, he remembers what's important. You. And protecting you, in every way he can.
- Whenever he's around you, he makes sure to regulate his emotions as much as he can. He'll get all of his anger out at Alfred, just so you never have to worry about him coming home pissed. He wants his home to feel safe for you.
- He tries to be as consistent as possible. If you ever need anything, he won't ask questions, he'll just do it. As much as he wants to be snarky, he'd stop making those kinds of comments to you entirely.
- But if you still know your abuser, he's taking out all of that anger onto them. In his opinion, any person who could traumatize you like that should suffer just like you have.
- Basically, he just becomes a lot more protective. In public, he'd hold your hand constantly, so you always know that you're not alone. In private, he'd lay off any questioning. Whatever you need to do to feel comfortable, he'd push his own curiosity aside.
- Although, he struggles with talking about what you went through directly. He's likely gone through something similar, and an honest conversation about either of your problems freaks him out a little bit.
- He can comfort you, bringing you back from the brink with no problem, but don't expect him to have any meaningful ideas on how to help you cope.
- (His only idea is what he does. Which is to try to ignore it. Which is bad.)
All Arthur had to say was “What's wrong with you?” for the spiral to start. He wasn't even serious, but the smirk plastered on his face seemed to turn sinister within a second. The smell of the room, the direction of the sun, the feeling of your socks, all of it was too familiar. All of it was exactly like that time long ago.
You started to breathe heavier, eyes darting for something to save you from the situation you had just been cast into once again. Something must be different, this can't be happening again.
“Y/N?” Arthur asks, his voice distant and muffled within your panicking mind, “Y/N, look at me.”
When he reached out gently to rest his hand over yours, you completely drew away within an instant. Shaking, cowering in fear against the couch, as far away as you could get from...
“Y/N, is it happening again?” He said, his words barely registering. You nodded, still looking at everything and nothing.
But you watched intently as he got up. He walked over to the thermostat, his footsteps nothing like you remembered from back then. It suddenly became colder than it used to be... and a blanket was draped over your quivering body.
“It's over. They're not here... ok? I promise it's over.”
“You promise? Y-You promise?”
“You're safe. There's nothing here that can hurt you. I promise.“
#heta tag#hetalia imagines#hetalia x reader#arthur tag#aph england x reader#hws england x reader#aph france x reader#francis tag#hws france x reader#ludwig tag#aph germany x reader#hws germany x reader#not proofread at all
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do you mind talking about what made effexor so bad for you? also where can I read about this streamer fake death lol
all the stuff on thedarkid is on SA in the sagas thread lol. i would prefer not to post a link bc the quality of new posters is at an all time low on that website and i dont want to contribute to the problem.
AS FOR EFFEXOR: i am prefacing this with the fact that this is my personal experience as a result of my body chemistry. effexor might work for some people with different body chemistry. my suggestion would be to try everything else first before resorting to this one and to be ready to feel really, really bad when discontinuing it.
i got off effexor because the negatives of taking it finally outweighed the positives and the problem i had been taking it for was no longer relevant. this will make me sound ridiculous so keep in mind i took crazy meds for this exact problem, but after we bought and moved into the house, i started having nightly panic attacks and weeping fits over both the decadence of my new non-renter lifestyle (which was materially going to impact the quality of my work and how i viewed reality) and the fact that i had taken a really big step toward commitment without having resolved the source of my deep social anxiety. i could realize how i was behaving and reacting was not normal and until i could get a therapist to address it, i was going to have to put a bandaid on it.
effexor flattened my emotions and my affect lol. this is really, really good for when you cannot reach a baseline of normality. this became bad when that flatness turned into apathy and started sliding into my day to day life. doing basic household chores became a daily struggle. then i started not making my deadlines on time because i completely lost the will to draw, which actively began to terrify me. and then once i started struggling to bathe and brush my teeth i was like "okay. something is really really wrong". so then i started the process of getting off.
that's the broad overview. i did not realize the extent of the damage it was causing me until i started getting it out of my system:
my sleep schedule was destroyed bc it gave me terrible insomnia.
night sweats. NIGHT SWEATS.
theres been a rash on my face for over a year that ive thrown EVERYTHING at to try to get rid of, thinking it was anything from lupus to a yeast infection. it turns out its just caused by the pill. it goes away when theres less in my system o_o
my lip was also split for a year. my gums were covered in sores. and the inside of my nose felt like someone put a weed whacker in there and sliced it up. huge scabs. constantly in tiny flecks of pain. miserable but not unbearable, you know?
pussy felt like sandpaper.
i didnt even notice this until later but it also made me fail to derive pleasure from the touch of another person. but like i wanted to. if someone held me or squeezed my hand it felt almost painful. shit made no sense but you just think "this isnt how its supposed to feel? whats wrong with me?". but like that's over. it stopped. it feels good again.
food tasted bad. and i dont mean no flavor i mean BAD. i say this a lot but i cannot understate how fucked it made my palate. its normal again thank god. i have a bag of coffee that tastes different depending on when the last time i took a pill was. i spent the last year complaining about how bad processed food tastes now like all companies decided to make their product bad instead of something being wrong with me specifically. but when adam's cooking started to taste bad i was like "wait. what? thats not possible". lol thanks honey for helping me realize....
this one is really weird: it would cause specific parts of my body to feel stiff. the worst and most chronic part was the small of my lower back, which felt pulled taught so tight it was uncomfortable. then it spread to the fingers of my right hand, causing me to have to stop every few minutes and scrunch my fingers to try to alleviate it. this symptom only returns after i take a dose now. it makes me thrash like a fish trying to get comfortable at night
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O Titan Where Art Thou Spoliers!
I'm again having Thoughts™️
What the fuck was that whole starting bit. So King's connection to the Collector let's him do that. Also the Collector doesnt seem to be aware that they ARE connected
I know the Collector is supposed to be bad but damn, the "Wait dont leave!" And "I wont be alone anymore!" they really just sounded like a lost kid
This episode was like self reflection time
KING HUGGING THE BONE OF THE ISLES, I CAN'T
Steve face reveal was the reveal we never knew we needed
I like how the helmet broke open for King's horns
"Looks like I'm due for a growth spurt soon" BABY BOY, NO STAY SMALL
Lilith this whole episode like, she had some realisation about herself
Full intro!? I missed you!
"Aw she sent so many hearts" the fact that they make sure to give us a single lumity crumb! Like! They know what we want!
King's the son of the boiling isles confirmed. I'm not crying this is eye sweat
Eda holding back her hand when she found out Lilith left a map, this woman wants to choose violence so bad
"Oh so you found a commune of blood thirty fanatics in a place that was supposed to be empty!" Eda throwing the shade
The "Tall genes" comment stqjwydykd
King being called Lilith's nephew is everything to me
"I wanna go on a heist!" "Of course you do" Eda this is your influence and you know it
WHY IS HOOTY'S MOUTH FILLED WITH SO MANY TEETH
Helicopter Hooty
King playing on the beach, my heart 🥺
Just, the whole scene of Eda talking to Raine and begging them to keep her kids safe. Eda's voice actor did an amazing job and I just got so emotional
The fight between Luz and Eda AAAAA IM GONNA CRY
"I can recommend a good therapist" yes, please let Lilith (and everyone else) get some therapy after this
"I'm going to set you down, please try not to bite anyone" WTSYDJFKEIW DARIUS
Eberwolf with the chomp chomp on those cuffs
At least we got what happened with the fight explained
Luz fan girling over Raine is everything
Raine calling Luz a human witch like yessss. Also the Eda bragging comment pfff
"You're a horrible actor, I had to make it look real" DARIUS IS A THEATER KID asdfghbkhk
"Uh this is just like Hexside" I wanna know the interactions Darius and Raine had in Hexside, you cant just say that and NOT explain!
"I'm starting to think I wasnt very good at my job" Its okay Lilith, you're getting better now is what counts
"We talked about this- You promised!" "I DID NOT AGREE TO THIS NAME" Darius is officially one my favourite characters
King's little "meow meow!" Being a reference to the first episode when Luz put her cat hood on- i cant
LUZ'S PALISMAN LUZ'S PALISMAN LUZ'S P-
Honestly this just makes me even more hype for the next episode
Steve being part of the rebellion, YES
Amazing episode. Good little intermediate episode with just the right balance of fluff and angst. Still gonna be thinking about that beginning bit though
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i hate that since i had a pinched nerve my back is jus not the way it use to be
my chiropractor said id have good and bad days and that itll take time for it to go back to normal but i jus,, i hate that - i hate that i have bad days, i hate how somedays i can walk around for miles and be fine and other days everything hurts and it jus shoots down my legs making standing and walking painful and sometimes even laying down or sitting hurts so i have to sit or lay down stupid and at weird angles so i can be comfey nd sometimes even going to the bathroom hurts my back i m jus hghh;;;
ts frustrating!!! i hate when people go ohh youre too young to have back problems and i feel like im letting everyone down bc some days i cant really do as much as i normally can, and my therapist wants me to go out more and do more stuff to be less of a shut in and im not oppose to it like id like to go volunteer at the animal shelter but my lower back and legs,,, and then i feel bad bc im not doing ‘my homework’ which is go do smth productive outside the house and do stuff alone for jus a couple hours a day so you can be less anxious and eventually be a part of society
the big thing was volunteering but i feel like i cant do much of anything now bc of my lower back/legs and im jus!! frustrated,, i dont wanna do it only to overdo it and i dont wanna flake and let everyone down bc my problems and i dont wanna pass out again [ESP IN PUBLIC,, thats jus,, horrifying;;;] from overdoing it. and explaining it is embarrassing bc its normally followed with smth like ohh ur so young u shouldnt be THIS fucked up [even tho ive been doing heavy lifting since i was like 8 so,, :^) was prolly inevitable that this would happen] i dont wanna disappoint my therapist or anyone im jus hghh;;;
it prolly doesnt help my back that my cousins husband is like okay!! lets work!! and their work is normally so fuckin intense and heavy lifting and they want it done fast like done YESTERDAY and its always during extreme sun and bug hour so its hot im sweating and these black flies are everywhere biting and going in my eyes and mouth. im not oppose to helping but its a lil tiring doing it nearly every day and id rather work with my cousin than peter bc he makes work miserable he micromanages everything and angrily sighs and is so passive aggressive like WELL I WOULDNT DO IT LIKE THAT like dude stfu im getting it done jus work on ur own shit!! working with my cousin is nicer bc its not an everyday thing and we can take breaks and theres no huge rush to get EVERYTHING done and she doesnt micromanage shes like “whatever works for u man id jus like it done sometime today if possible” like ty,, ill do my b est;;
i think i made my back worse by working for days & hours straight with little to no breaks with my dad and cousin, and we did it so peter could be surprised that we made the outside look ~so pretty~ bc hes been bitching about how the yard looks like shit so my cousin is bending over backwards to try and please his majesty so he can stop being such a fucking bitch to us
its a big ass property,, it felt never ending my god. we rake and leafblow and move heavy ass lumber and pallets and some building material thats jus been sitting out there rotting/warping for god only knows how much. we moved fuckin heavy ass packets of shingles and my cousin is so fuckin DUMB theyre heavy as hell and were struggling to even put it in the wheelbarrow its so heavy, and shes like “what if we dont use the wheelbarrow and jus carry them to the pallet in the garage? wouldnt that be easier than lifitng them in here and wheeling it?? ts only a couple feet i mean,, itd be faster we can carry two of em at the same time like were wheeling two of them rn-” im like girl ill LITERALLY die if we do that!! no!! its heavy as fuck and i keep almost dropping it picking it up from the ground and from the wheelbarrow - im not walking the 15 feet to move it!! [i dont understand the mindset of work stupid fast and harder and in ways that could injure yourself like??? dude i only have one body pLES stop trying to fuck it up even more its already at the limits i swear-]
ofc bc peters a mega-karen too!!! he was upset and bitched to my cousin in private that he wouldnt have done it the way we all did it and its like WO!W!! GO TO HELL!!! i get that youre hurting and upset that you cant do as much bc of your shoulder and ankle [but you do it anyway when u aint suppose to and then bitch and complain that ur body is falling apart] but dont take it out on us its so stupid i hate him!!!! im hurting too bitch but im trying not to take it out on everyone bc they dont deserve to be as miserable as i am
hghfdsbj im jus!! i hate feeling so shitty i wanna do more stuff i wanna go out more bc the weather is finally nice and i wanna get outta the house, but ifeel like i cant and its upsetting that my body isnt working properly i hate it i hate it sm
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i hate being addicted to tobacco. i hate it so much but i have to continue because this is europe and shits expensive so we mix weed and tobacco to make it last longer and so i still have to smoke cigarettes
and so when i dont have any money like right now to like. smoke weed so i can eat and not have constant flashbacks and breakdowns and not throw up, i feel awful both physically and mentally because:
1. i cant be safe because unless im high i can get very. not...good. like. i may be dangerous to myself (no, hospitalization isnt an option. they dont do that here. you have a sui attempt? heres some xanax ok bye. actual psych wards are around 10k euros per month and no, you cant pay later so it's just either you have money or you die)
2. i cant eat or sleep properly at all. i just cry without apparent reason (heehee repressed trauma)
3. i try to not smoke as much tobacco unless im smoking weed which triggers nicotine withdrawal and it makes me want to die but also of course it makes me very very sick
my man up there, why do you have to do this to me? not even 10 euros for some?
the fact that my therapy is 70€, my meds are 30€, and i cant go to therapy right now because idk shes not responding so we're looking for a new therapist and idk how much it'll be because i need a specialist in ptsd/did (thankfully my mom helps with medical expenses)
i just. it sounds stupid and like im just a stoner but i swear to god. i just cant fucking live sober right now. i wake up in cold sweats with the bed drenched. i cry and hurt myself. i dont know what else to do to survive while... everything else happens. my therapy, the meds to work (or changing them if they dont, that would be the 8th medication that doesnt work ❤️)
i just really dont know what to do. and plus im getting SA'd by one of my dealers but hes the most available one so i just. try to refuse as much as i can.
im so so tired. i dont want to die.
#talking to the moon#i dont want to do this anymore but#yeah. i cant just. yeah.#there's people I'd hurt if i did that so i cant#but living hurts *so* much#i want to stop having all these thoughts and flashbacks and feeling it all over again#the hands on me#ive been making some vent art#i dont know man. i dont know.
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77. “There’s people here.”
“I know.”
78. “I don’t care what you do just fuck me.”
notes; puppy!hybrid!(switch)vernon, kitty!hybrid!(switch)reader, human!joshua(lol), dont fuck your therapist, threesome, dirty talk, degradation, name-calling, i wouldnt say sub!joshua necessarily but uh lol just very shy ‘shua, blowjob 🤣💕 a part two to the vernon drabble that went up last Monday! I have attempted to link it right here if tumb1r doesn’t hate me ☠️ I have 2 more hybrid fics for this cycle of drabbles and I also forgot to post my new schedule after talking abt all that drama so I will do that tomorrow! 😭😭💕 As always, thank you for requesting! Enjoy! 💕
Joshua was late.
“Sorry, you two. Joshua’s running a little late. Traffic ‘n all. Just wait in his office, okay? He’ll get here as soon as possible.”
Seungcheol, the other therapist on duty, had said. Flashing you a smile before he’d closed the door and left you and Vernon alone in Joshua’s office.
It’d already been a week since the two of you had gone in for your individual sessions and Joshua had already penned you back in for a joint session before you’d even made it back to the hybrid center.
“Now what?” Vernon groaned; shooting you a side glance as you sit quietly next to him on the plush leather.
You were just glad there wasn’t a cum stain on it from last time.
“Can’t you just be patient and wait like he said? We literally sat down a second ago.” You rolled your eyes as Vernon’d scoffed - eyes darting over to the puppy hybrid and taking in the bright yellow bandaid on his cheek that had a smiley face smack dab in the center.
“Sorry about your face, by the way.”
“Are you, though?”
Huffing, you’d leaned in closer to the male; tail rattling behind yourself as you chuckled and ghosted your lips against the shell of his ear. “You kinda deserved it for being such a bad ‘lil puppy, if I’m being honest~ Cumming so much inside of me to the point that I almost messed up Mr. Joshua’s sofa… Ah, what would he have done if he saw your cum dripping down my thighs? Do you think he would’ve thought I was a bad ‘lil kitty?”
Vernon shivered as your words went straight to his cock - hands balling up into fists in his lap. “B-but I-I ate you out, didn’t I? When you got back…” He murmured.
“You also came in your sweats while I sat on your face like the easy pup you are.”
“Ah, kitten, come here, please~”
Jeonghan flashes you a smile - patting the spot next to himself on the picnic mat.
“Joshua called me earlier and told me your session with Vernon went well? Why don’t you tell me a little bit, I’m curious about how it went.”
You start to purr when he massages your kitten ears; leaning into his touch as your eyes flutter shut.
“Mr. Hong was a little late and Vernon was being so impatient…” You murmur.
“Oh? You didn’t fight, did you?”
“I don’t care what you do just fuck me.”
Vernon thrusts up against your hand palming him over his jeans; head thrown back against the armrest as you tease him. “And hurry, ‘cause he might show up soon…”
Giggling, you start to undo the button and zipper of his jeans as you lick your lips.
“I wanna ride you right here, pup… Wanna feel you filling up my pussy with every inch of your cock… Fucking me so gooood and cumming inside of me... Don’t you want that?” The puppy hybrid nods frantically as he gulps.
“Y-yes, I want t-that...”
You wrap a hand around his hard cock; smearing the precum down his shaft before squeezing him around the base as he cries out.
“Ah, ah, ah, I wouldn’t be so loud if I were you~ Wouldn’t want them to hear you being a noisy ‘lil pup in here, would you?”
“Mmh, n-no…”
“Good. Then shut up and behave.”
“Ah, I know. Vernon can’t sit still sometimes… But other than that, he was good, right?”
You nod gently - nuzzling against Jeonghan’s palm. “Mmhmm… Mr. Hong showed up pretty soon after anyway so we didn’t wait too long.”
“Anything interesting? A friend recommended me to Joshua. Said he was really good with hybrids so I put my trust in him, y’know? And he seems to have helped the two of you, so I’m really glad.”
“Me too.”
Joshua never runs late - or, rather, tries to avoid running late at all costs.
He leaves his briefcase in his car and all but sprints into the office building; a sheen of sweat on his brow when he all but tears the double doors open.
“God, I’m so sorry I’m late!”
Seungcheol greets him with a soft chuckle, nodding towards the long corridor towards Joshua’s office.
“Your 11AM has been waiting for the last 45 minutes. They’re probably asleep in there from how long you took, ‘Shua. Might wanna check in on them.” Joshua nods, shooting Seungcheol a sheepish smile before taking off towards his secluded office.
“Can you phone my 1PM and tell them it’s moved to 2PM instead? Thanks!”
He doesn’t listen for Seungcheol’s confirmation before he’s completely out of earshot - sighing and readying his words of apology when he places his hand on the doorknob of his office.
“Oh my gosh, I am so---”
“Fuh--fuck, faster!”
Vernon’s eyes meet Joshua’s panicked stare - hands on your hips as you swivel atop his lap.
“I--T-there’s people here… W-wait--”
The puppy hybrid gulps, trying to get you to stop as Joshua stands in the doorway in shock.
You smirk down at Vernon before you’re turning your head slightly in Joshua’s direction.
“I know. But I don’t see Mr. Joshua telling us to stop~”
“Did Joshua give you any good pieces of advice? Maybe some stuff we can use around here when the others get unruly.”
Jeonghan laughs, smoothing down your hair before you decide to lay your head down in his lap.
You really were Jeonghan’s favorite and you appreciated that he took care of you so well.
“Mm… I guess the biggest piece of advice he gave us was to see each other from different points of view… Which is fair, I think.”
“Ah, yeah, it’s really important to put yourself in each other’s shoes. It helps you understand each other better when you take turns, y’know?”
“This--ngh, this is severely--severely a violation of p-patient and d-doctor, um, ah, b-boundaries! The mis--misconduct---”
Joshua’s hands tangle in your hair as you sink your mouth down onto him and Vernon is quick to smirk at the older male as he fucks you from behind on the sofa.
“Yeah, so why did you get hard while you were standing there watching us then, huh?” He laughs at the blush blooming on Joshua’s cheeks; eyes flitting towards where you have your lips wrapped around Joshua’s cock.
“Such a good ‘lil kitty for us… Usually she’s misbehaving and I have to punish her… Fucking her in all sorts of places and cumming inside her tight ‘lil cunt. But that’s okay, she’s a needy ‘lil cumslut anyway. She wants its down her throat, in her pretty ‘lil cunt and her cute ‘lil ass too.”
Joshua’s eyes bulge out of his head at the way Vernon talks about you, but he only replies with a shaky moan when you hollow out your cheeks around him instead.
“Mm, and she just got tighter around my cock too… She loves it when I talk about her needy ‘lil holes being filled up.”
“You--you shouldn’t, a-ah, fuck…” Joshua finds himself thrusting into your mouth; giving into the pleasure as your body rocks between the two males.
“Didn’t she tell you how she came to her session with you last time with a load of my cum inside her? Soaking into her panties… Bet she wanted to just finger herself right on this sofa, legs spread wide while she fucked my cum deeper into her filthy ‘lil hole for you to see what a good cockslut she is.”
You moan around Joshua’s cock, sending goosebumps rising on his skin at the vibrations that only intensify the pleasure.
“I--I noticed…” He whispers, gulping slightly when you sink your mouth down further until the head of his cock taps the back of your throat and makes you gag around him.
“Oh, so you did?”
“Y-yeah… d-didn’t say, ngh, a-anything since it--it wasn’t my p-place…”
Vernon smirks, leaning over your body and tangling a hand through your hair as he pushes your head towards Joshua to make you take more of his cock down your throat.
“Hear that, slut? Now you have to make it up to our ‘doc here, okay?”
“Joshua said you had another appointment next week, though, right? Is there any reason? Everything seems to be fine now so I don’t really get why he’d need to see you both again?”
You stare up at Jeonghan as you lay in his lap; the two loads of cum sitting inside your cunt starting to soak your panties a little too much when you shift onto your side.
“Ah… yeah. Mr. Hong said he wanted to check in on us, that’s all. Said that he wanted to observe us a little longer to make sure we’re not fighting anymore.”
“Wow… He really is great at his job, huh?” Jeonghan shakes his head in amazement; already planning on calling up Joshua to thank him for a job well done.
Grinning, you turn your head to the side to avoid Jeonghan seeing the mischievous glint in your eyes.
“Mmhmm, he’s very thorough.”
#Joshua smut#vernon smut#seventeen smut#svt smut#Joshua imagines#Joshua scenarios#vernon imagines#vernon scenarios#seventeen imagines#svt imagines#svt scenarios#seventeen scenarios#vernon#joshua#svt fic
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Show Me Some Respect
After working for years as a secretary to General Hux aboard the ship, the Finalizer, life could not have been better for you.
That was until Hux informed you that Commander Kylo Ren would be joining you on that ship. Almost immediately, you both resent each other, but after being forced to spend more alone time with him, you begin to wonder, what's so bad about him after all?
Tags on A03 Include:
-Force Choking (Star Wars)
-Fluff and Smut
-Face-Fucking
-Not How the Force is Used
-Armitage Hux Needs a Hug
-Kylo Ren is an asshole
-Y/N Makes Poor Choices
-Praise Kink
-Choking
-Cum-Eating
-Orgasm Delay/Denial
-Sexual Tension
-Sexual Abuse
-Y/N Goes Through A Lot
-Murder
-Possessive Kylo Ren
-Protective Armitage Hux
-Kylo and Hux Get Along Maybe Twice
Chapter 1: Do As He Says
A dread filled morning takes you by suspense when your boss, General Hux, riddles you with nothing but fear for your first encounter with the menacing, Commander Kylo Ren.
A/N: Hello to readers here on tumblr. I’m a little new to posting original work (especially writing) on here so bear with me as I figure it all out! I hope you enjoy my first ever Kylo Ren X Reader story (I dont use y/n cause I don’t like it, my deepest apologies)
Why’d you leave us?
A faint voice called out to you in the distance, so soft and silky, daintily whispering to you. Despite the initial faintness, it slowly began to get closer and closer, its volume ever increasing.
Your eyes fluttered open, but the bright sun blinded them, causing you to seal them shut once more. Eventually, they adjusted to the light, and you opened them to see so many large, and bare trees stretching towards the sky above you. White speckles, snow, were falling all around you, some flakes even landing on your nose.
It felt oddly peaceful, the soft moss around you feeling more comfortable than your own bed. It encased around you, smothering you with warmth and comfort. You kept your eyes shut, and felt yourself seconds from falling asleep on the slightly snow-covered ground. For just a moment, your reopened your eyes, getting one more view of your surrounding before drifting off. But then, to your horror, you saw that the ground next to you was completely covered in blood.
Your eyes widened in fear as you jolted away from your spot on the ground, and pushed yourself up against a nearby tree. The voice in the distance was coming closer towards you, and kept roaring louder and louder. The blood on the ground began to expand, seeping through the moss at an alarming rate. It surrounded the entire area around you, except directly where you were sitting.
As you glanced back up at the sky, the snow, which had now transformed into an icy hail, had begun to take on an even stranger form. In its image, flashes of their faces blew past you, and with it, followed the sound of their screams and cries. Pleading for help, for you to save them. The smell of burning wood wafted into your nostrils, and that voice in the distance was still growing louder. You knew that soon, it would be upon you.
"Wake up, wake up. Please fucking wake up!"
In a jolt of cold sweats, you gasped back to reality, frantically scanning the area around you to make sure it was safe.
"Just a dream, it was just a dream."
Your breath was sporadic, leaving you a panting and anxious mess as you pulled yourself out of bed. Even the smallest movement caused a massive amount of pain surge to through your head.
"I can't take another one of those nightmares." You thought, grabbing the glass of water from your nightstand. You looked over at your clock groggily, and your heart sank upon seeing that you had overslept, giving you little to no time to prepare for the day.
The shower water was freezing when you initially turned it on, per usual. It always felt embarrassing to have to stand outside the door, completely nude, occasionally dangling your finger under the water to see if it had heated up yet.
Over 3 years ago you began working as a secretary to General Hux, and though there was a monstrous amount of glitz and glam thought to come with such a job, it couldn't have been more painfully annoying.
Sure, Hux was somewhat kind and caring towards you, but every other person you pitifully encountered treated you like shit. They'd throw their fits when you wouldn't deliver their papers, shine their boots, tasks they very easily could've done themselves, but simply refused. It wasn't the most difficult job in the world, despite the constant hazing. However, their was a shocking increase in secretaries amongst the First Order. It was most definitely due to the jobs incredible bore-ability, and the fact whoever was placed in such a position would be treated like garbage by everyone they encountered.
You rushed through your shower, only using the time to wash your hair and then yourself. The steam from the hot water had fogged your mirror, which made it hard for you to see your hair when putting it up into two long french braids. You pulled a few strands out in the front, trying to look somewhat nice since your uniform sure didn't help. It was a shapeless, olive green suit, with baggy pants, and thick, heavy boots. The hat that came along with it also wasn't very flattering, but it wasn't like anyone saw you other than your crewmates, and General Hux.
You took another swig from your cup of water as you stared out your glass window and into the infinite galaxy. Your brain decided to alert you of how Hux would be ridiculously pissed off if you were late, as today was one of the days you dreaded most of all since you began working on the Finalizer. The ship would be making its way back to Starkiller base, and you were anything but excited for that.
Several technicians raced by you, heading off to fix some malfunction in the interior of the ship. You always looked at them and wondered if they enjoyed their jobs here, or if, just like you, it was a love-hate relationship.
You entered the control room, staring the other programmers and pilots plugging away at their stations. Though they didn't technically fly the Finalizer, their work was incredibly important. You liked to think yours was important as well, but in reality, it was pointless. Technically, you were Huxs' right hand. As a result, he told you practically anything and everything. So it was more like you were a glorified therapist that followed him around like a lost pet.
"Cadet," a voice said behind you. General Hux was standing at the entrance to the control room, looking a lot more frazzled than usual. "Will you walk with me for a moment?"
You nodded, following closely behind him. Unlike usual, you decided to keep your mouth shut, hoping he would start to explain why he looked so disheveled and unnerved, but he didn't say a word. It was becoming harder to not acknowledge how his body trembled intensely with ever step he took.
"General, if I may ask, is everything alright?" You questioned sweetly, trying not to sound disrespectfully intrusive.
Hux let out a heavy sigh, stopping for a moment to rest against a nearby wall. "I am, not alright," he panted, his voice shaking more than his body was. "When we arrive at Starkiller base, you're going to have to meet The Commander, and I already know you two will not get along."
Your face recoiled as you began to dig into the back of your mind. "Did he mean Commander Ren? That stubborn brute?" You laughed to yourself, while Hux was seconds from engaging in a panic attack.
"This is no laughing matter cadet!" He hollered, his voice nearly cracking at every syllable.
You let out a long sigh. "Hux, I can deal with Kylo Ren. He doesn't scare me at all."
"He should scare you," Hux stated plainly. "My last secretary, before you. He made one simple mistake, and Ren saw to it that the poor boy was eradicated."
Your eyes grew wide with fear, darting away from his gaze so he couldn't see the horror on your face. Hux said it plain as day, if you made so much as one, small mistake, Commander Ren would personally see to it that you were eradicated as well.
Hux groaned. "We both work for the same Supreme Leader, which means I have to work with him." His breathing patterns began to grow more heavy and frantic, and his face flushed with a vibrant red.
You tried to calm him down, as you knew the ship couldn't make the entire flight back without his orders. The two of you had gotten rather close, and you had a lot of respect for him. He'd come in some days looking like he'd seen a ghost, and you wouldn't have been shocked if he had. If the Commander managed to make Hux, your boss, that anxious, you knew this couldn't be good.
After what seemed like seconds, you had arrived at your destination. Just the sight of Starkiller base sent shivers down your spine.
Sure, you'd been their plenty of times, but you never had to willingly interact with the Commander before. In fact, you'd never so much as seen the smallest fragment of his figure. Which would make his reveal all the more terrifying.
As you approached the landing bay, the large metal doors began to open to allow your entrance in. Hux came up behind you, his posture had been perfected, and all expression on his face had been wiped. He looked like a whole new man, and you weren't sure that if you wanted to get on the Commander's good side, you'd have to become a whole new woman.
"The Commander would like us both to meet with him in his quarters before he joins us onboard." Hux said, his voice shaking. You nodded as you took one more look at the hull of the control room, not sure if it was your last.
The pair of you made your way from the control room, to the landing bay. A small craft would take you from the Finalizer to the bay on Starkiller, but you wanted nothing more than just to stay put. There were ways where you could completely avoid the Commander for the entire duration he was here, you hoped. You would just have to hide in a waste bucket every time he came near Hux, and that didn't seem so bad. You groaned, glancing over at Hux as the cruiser landed rather dramatically at the center of the bay.
“Hux, he’s going to hate me, isn’t he?”
He sighed, placing an awkward arm on your shoulder, his attempt at comfort. "Let's hope it doesn't come to that."
As the pair of you walked down the long hallways of the Starkiller base, it felt as if you were walking to your doom. Which, in reality you probably were. Two stormtroopers had been sent to escort you from the ship to Commander Rens' quarters. They didn't say a word the entire trip to said quarters, despite Hux's several attempts.
Eventually, the four of you arrived at what you presumed to be the Commander's meeting room. The two troopers walked up to the door, placing a loud knock on it to signal their arrival, and then stationed themselves on either side of it. Hux took in a deep breath as he began typing into a small keypad attached to the entrance, and then, the door was open.
"Commander, my apologies on us being later than normal." Hux said, walking through the doorway to the meeting room.
"Oh Gods."
Commander Ren looked like nothing you had expected, though you couldn't really see all of him. He was tall, absolutely massive, his muscles practicality protruding from his sleeves. But his face, you couldn't see so much as an outline of that. Covering it was a thick, solid metal mask, breathing canal and all. He was a true Vader knock off.
He slowly turned around, a feeling of pure rage wafting off of him. For a brief moment, you were certain he was seconds from smashing Huxs' head in, but then he stopped dead in his tracks. His head titled from Huxs' body to your own. Though you couldn't see his facial expression underneath that mask, you new it was one of disgust.
"Who are you?" He asked, gesturing in your direction. You arched your eyebrows in confusion, could he not tell just by simply looking at your uniform?
"No answer?" Commander Ren scoffed.
"I'm his secretary, Commander," you stated, gesturing in Huxs' direction, "didn't you request my presence here? "
He shook his head, placing a hand on the front of that intimidating facial shield. The movement made it look as if he was gaining a headache from your small amount of talking. "This is who you had replace the old one?" Commander Ren hissed, "have you no shame, Hux?"
"Ren, she is very talented in her work and a fantastic secretary," Hux responded, glancing over in your direction. "She has made a fantastic replacement." You smiled, happy to know Hux would still show you some form of kindness around the Commander.
"Hux," Commander Ren stated, "I'll trust your judgment here." He approached Hux slowly, giving him ample time to make your poor General tremble in fear. The Commander stopped inches from his face, his mask nearly touching the tip of Huxs' nose.
"If she makes so much as one mistake, she's gone."
Your face recoiled in disgust. "Well, what the fuck?" You thought to yourself. Did he actually doubt your abilities that much? Or was this all some sort of twisted test of your competence?
The Commander darted his head around, glaring at you in rage. Your body went completely stiff as his masked gaze penetrated your mind. A trill of pain surged through your temples, like something was digging around in your brain for any scrap of information. "That language of hers will not be tolerated either." He spat, looking back at Hux.
"My what? The hell is he talking about? I have yet to swear!" Your brain was spiraling out of control, and that trill of energy still surged throughout your brain.
His ego was disgustingly immense, not to mention he was a delusional idiot. The fool was making up down right lies about you, and to wait gain? He was already addressing Hux in such a disrespectful manner, he didn't need to take it out on you as well. But what even gave him the right to talk down to Hux in such a manner? He wasn't in any better of a position to lead than the General was, not to mention the fact that Hux was a lot easier to deal with, and a lot less moronic.
Commander Ren stood in place, his body shaking violently with rage. Huxs' body was also shaking, but his was out of fear. This was the first time you'd ever seen Hux so threatened by anyone. Usually, he presented such a mass amount of authority and dictation. But here, he was nothing more than a coward.
The Commander gave you an over-the-shoulder glance, and in that moment, you felt time stop. The world around you faded into black. Now, only you and him were in that room, and fear and panic began to rapidly set in. Your body had turned chillingly cold, and air escaped you.
A flash of light hit your eyes, his leather glove reflecting off the overhead chandelier. Before you could get a warning out, he slammed his fist into the wall next to Huxs' head. His curled hand punctured the metal frame, sending hundreds of small electrical sparks flying, leaving bare and broken wires in its wake.
"You teach her to show me some respect, or I will" Commander Ren hissed, his clenched fist now inches from Huxs' face.
Hux folded onto the metal floor, panting uncontrollably as the Commander hovered menacingly above him. You stood gazing at the pair of them, completely motionless, gulping down the fear that was now lodged in your throat. Your pupils shook in horror at what you had just seen, how absolutely horrid your new ship companion was.
Commander Ren glared at you, watching as every inch of your body trembled at his presence. He scoffed, storming out of the room with a prompt slam of the door, the sheer force alone causing you to jump. You looked back at Hux, whose forehead was drenched in sweat, and a slight tremor was visible on his hands. Carefully, as not to frighten him more, you reached down for his hand, an effort to help guide him up off of the floor.
"General..." You pleaded, wrapping your hand around his own as you began to lift. Hux shook you away, pulling himself off of the ground, trying not to show weakness. It was obvious that he was embarrassed of your viewing of his encounter with Commander Ren, but he shouldn't have been. All that quarrel showed was the fact Commander Ren was a prissy little bitch, and tyrant.
Hux dusted off his long coat, and smoothed back his red hair to its original, kept manner. He bit his lip, holding himself back from lashing out against anything the Commander had just done. You hoped he would do it anyway, give you some sort of hint that he too hated Commander Rens guts. But instead, he stared intensely at the door, his eyes becoming bloodshot with rage.
"If you want to make it out of here alive," Hux gulped, "you must to do as he says."
You scoffed in disbelief. "Hux you cannot possibly believe that," you cried. "He isn't as high and mighty as he claims to b-"
Hux slammed his hand over your mouth, his bare fingers tracing over the lining of your lips. His eyes stared painfully into your own, showing so much fear and uncertainty. "I told you to do as he says!" He hollered, the veins in his neck protruding from his already rose colored flesh. Hux removed his hand from over your mouth, and with another brush of his cape, he was gone out the doorway too, much less dramatically than the Commander.
You turned around, looking at the meeting room remorsefully. Your life had just flipped completely upside down, and you know now that you had no say in anything that would happen to it. Hux obviously wasn't going to be any help in standing up against Commander Rens' tyranny, so it looked like you were on your own.
And you hated being on your own.
You walked back to the ship with shane covering your entire body. Every person who passed by you, whether it was a technician or a stormtrooper, seemed to be mocking you. While that wasn't at all the case, Commander Rens' doubt of your capabilities made it seem like everyone else doubted them as well.
As you turned a corner, so flustered and furious you didn't even know what planet you were on, another secretary slammed into you, spilling an incredibly hot and sticky liquid all over your uniform. "Oh my Gods, I am so sorry!" The girl whimpered, reaching for a cloth towel at her side to try and help dry you off.
You clenched your jaw tightly, worried all your rage might come flying out at her. She looked to be so incredibly overworked and stressed, just like you were about to be. You wondered if she had ever dealt with Commander Ren, or maybe her own General was just as terrible as he was, though you doubted that was humanly possible. You hated to admit it as much as the next person, but the treatment of secretaries, especially those that were female, could not have been more horrendous. Every one you had encountered had a horror story, or was currently living through one. Thankfully, your first job was with someone like Hux, a lot more patient and caring than any other. Thoughts crossed your mind of how awful your life would've been if your first job was to Commander Ren. Just the idea alone sent shivers down your spine.
The girl finally finished drying off the excess with a little help from you, but your clothes were soaked with whatever fluid she dumped onto you. Her eyes slowly began to swell up with tears as she stared at your ruined uniform.
"Hey," you said, taking her hand in your own. “There’s no need to cry. I'll go clean it myself, and it'll be good as new, don't worry."
She sniffled, reaching her other hand up to wipe the tears off of her face. Never could you have managed to snap at that girl, because you knew exactly what kind of suffering she was going through, as you had just dealt with the worst of it all. The girl hugged you in gratitude before scurrying back to wherever she came from, getting a replacement for the drink she had dropped. You took in a deep breath as you dreadfully looked down at your tarnished gown. Starkiller base was not somewhere you were familiar with, so finding a washroom was going to be far greater task than it should have been.
For what seemed like hours, you scanned each and every room across the vastness of the ship, hoping to finally find an area for you to clean off your soiled uniform. Out of the corner of your eye, you watched a stormtrooper exit a room with a fully washed, black undergarment, and you knew you had finally found your sought for destination. Rushing into the room, you hoped no one else would be inside, so you could quickly rip off your uniform and wash it without anyone seeing you in nothing but a bra and underwear.
Thankfully, no one was inside the washroom, giving you ample time to strip practically nude, and lock the door behind you as to not allow anyone to barge in.
Staring blankly at the machine that scrubbed and cleansed your attire, the chill of the empty room you sat in was beginning to sting your bare skin, your hair sticking up and goosebumps forming across every inch of it.
The process could not have taken any longer, but finally, it was washed, and ready to be moved to the next machine for drying. Minutes passed by as you sat in the cold and ever darkening room, rubbing up against the warm drying machine periodically as to not die of hypothermia.
"For God's sake, can you just hurry up!" You cried, slamming your foot against the machine, hoping that would throw it into a faster gear.
It did no good, the machine kept carrying on at its slow pace, causing nothing but agony and frustration on your part. You groaned, flopping back into the chair you had been sitting in, only for it to crumble into a hundred tiny pieces as you flopped yourself onto it.
"Mother fucker!" You groaned, lifting yourself off of the cold, metal floor. A bruise was clearly about to form upon your ass after that downfall.
"Language, cadet. That mouth will get you nowhere."
You spun around quickly, leaving your bra-covered breasts completely exposed to the eyes of Commander Ren, who now stood perfectly centered at the entrance of the washroom, the door closed behind him. Your eyes jolted to the lock that was now unfastened on the doorway, yet upon making eye contact, it clicked back into a locked position. Looking down, you noticed Commander Rens' finger was out of place from the rest of his clenched fist, and though at first you had no idea how he managed to weasel his way in here, now you did.
"The force?" You questioned in the back of your mind, watching the pointer finger retreat back to its clenched position.
His head tilted down, obviously showing his gaze had shifted from your eyes, to your almost fully naked body. You covered as much of yourself as you could, feeling completely flustered that so much of you was exposed to his eyes.
"What?" You asked. "Planning on insulting me again? Just get out."
"You're hung up on that?" He questioned, letting a small chuckle escape his throat. "I could have said so much worse."
You rolled your eyes at him, now hoping to make him so angry he would storm out like he did before. "Good for you, Commander. I'm sure you could've."
Silence reigned in the room longer than you would've preferred it to. You had hoped he would make some ridiculous, insulting statement so you could fire back at it, but he was silent.
"Do you mind?" You questioned, tilting your head towards the doorway so he could take the hint to leave.
"The ship was supposed to depart exactly 17 seconds ago," he remarked, keeping his gaze on your chest area, "Hux was going to be sent after you, if I didn't choose to."
You curled your lip sarcastically, letting out a small laugh along with it. "Well thank you so much for that, sir," you said sarcastically, again, gesturing towards the door in hopes that he would leave.
There was a long pause, giving you time to reflect on what he had just said. He would've had no knowledge your uniform had been soiled, tarnished by that poor girls dropped beverage.
So how the fuck did he know you were here?
He stood motionless. The only noise he exuded was the almost asthmatic breathing sounds from his mask. "Finish whatever task this is." Commander Ren instructed, finally moving his gaze away from your body.
He turned to the doorway, giving you a final glance before opening the door, and exiting the room. You stared at the metal frame in disbelief, the fact the Commander had just seen you in arguably your most venerable state was horrifying and embarrassing.
A slight movement on the door caught your attention, as the knob shifted back to its locked position. "Jeez, how kind of him," you scolded, turning back to the dryer that had finally finished its job, of course, right after the Commander had left.
After unlocking the door to the washroom, adorning your freshly cleaned uniform, you sprinted down the halls towards the bay. Thankfully, there wasn't a line of people standing outside the washroom waiting to use it themselves. For if they had seen the Commander in there with you, things would have just gotten so much more complicated.
You marched down the halls, now thinking about how ridiculously awkward your next several months of encounters with the Commander would be, now that your second meeting with him was when you were practically naked.
“Gods. This day cannot get any worse."
#star wars#kylo ren#ben solo#adam driver#kylo x you#kylo x reader#general hux#love triangle#smut#star wars fluff#sequels#stormtrooper#x reader
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A JSE Fanfic
Y’know I realize there hasn’t been that much advancement of the plot in this AU as of late. Sorry bout that. But hey, no story is all action all the time. And we get character development! In this, Jackie stays over with JJ and Marvin, and talks with the latter about some...experiences. Emotions are involved. Two characters grow closer. Stuff like that. It was nice to write, so I hope you guys enjoy :)
More of this AU found here
“And then! And then Kristy gave me this bracelet. She gave one to all the girls in class, I mean, but look at it! It’s my favorite colors!” Michelle shook her wrist, causing her new red-and-yellow beaded bracelet to spin wildly around it. “And I’m the only one who got the star charms!”
Jackie smiled, leaning down to ruffle Michelle’s hair. “Sounds like a fun last day of school.”
“It was! And now we’re on holiday, and that’s always great!” Michelle flopped down onto her back, now laying on the living room floor, and looked up at her dad sitting on the sofa with wide eyes. “And about holidays, what did you get me for Christmas?”
“I can’t tell you that! It’ll ruin the surprise!”
“I’ll like it anyway.”
Jackie laughed. “That’s probably true, but the surprise makes it even better. Why, is there something you really want?”
“Don’t worry, I already wrote my letter,” Michelle said proudly. “I gave it to Ren.”
“Oh that’s great!” Jackie said. Rama showed him the letter earlier; Michelle had included a detailed list of toys she wanted Santa to bring. “Right, I forgot they told me they dropped it off at the mailbox. They also said your writing is looking really good.”
“They did?!” Michelle beamed. “That’s so cool.”
Before Jackie could continue, the alarm on his phone went off. He dug it out of his hoodie pocket and turned it off, sighing. “Well, looks like I have to go now.”
“Aww.” Michelle’s happy expression turned to a pout as they sat up. “Can’t you stay more? I never see you anymore.”
“Sorry, sweetie, Dad has to go to work,” Jackie said regretfully. “But I’m really glad I stopped by before I had to.”
“Stupid work,” Michelle grumbled. She held out her arms. “Hug?”
Jackie bent over and gave her a hug, squeezing tight as he lifted her off the ground and onto her feet. “I’ll see you again later.”
“Bye, Dad.” Michelle waved as Jackie grabbed his coat and walked over to the front door, heading out.
It was a bit after noon, the sky partly cloudy. Jackie had taken to picking up shorter afternoon and evening shifts at the hospital. He was fine with taking more, but his boss still insisted he didn’t work as much, after the...ordeal he went through a few months ago. Part of him wondered if she was trying to get him to quit or something, but he wasn’t going to do that any time soon, so it was a misguided strategy if that was the case.
Rama was outside, trying to do yard work in their small front garden. Jackie stopped for a moment, watching. They quickly noticed and stopped, standing up straight and turning around to ask, “Enjoying the view?”
“Hey, I-I didn’t—I wasn’t—” Jackie stammered, blushing a bit. “You’re wearing a coat. I was just thinking it looked a bit difficult, pulling up dead weeds in the—in the hard winter dirt—”
“I know, Jackieboy,” Rama chuckled. “Leaving so soon?”
“Yeah,” Jackie said regretfully. “I already said goodbye to Michelle.”
Rama hesitated, then slowly asked, “Have you...thought about moving back in...any time? In the near future, I mean.”
Jackie paused, thinking about it as he turned to look over the house. It was so familiar to him. It was his home—or at least, it had been, up until...everything happened. And just being inside put him on edge. “You know...it’s not just that it’s ours, i-it’s any place that...sort of looks like the place where...” He trailed off. After all this time, he still hadn’t told Rama anything about Distorter. He wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t a good idea to keep secrets from your spouse. But just...something like that...it seemed like the more people knew about Distorter, the more they were pulled into this situation. They’d already lost Michelle for a bit, he couldn’t bear if...
“I understand,” Rama nodded. “But...we miss you. Even though you visit so often.”
“I know, I miss you too.” Jackie thought about it. “I—I still get pretty anxious, but I’m working on it. With Lisa.” That was his therapist. “Maybe sooner rather than later?”
Rama went silent, then clapped their hands once. “Okay. We’ll buy an apartment.”
“Wh-what?!” Jackie gasped. “Ramram, you can’t do that! It’s expensive, and we’re putting most of your book money towards Michelle’s education—Not to mention it’ll be a whole change, the move might be hard on Mich, especially if it’s too far away from the school and she has to transfer. And we’re in the suburbs because of the quiet for your writing—No, i-it won’t work out, I can’t make you two do that.”
After a moment, Rama slowly nodded. “If you’re sure. Take care of yourself, mi corazón. Do what’s best for you.”
Jackie walked over and gave Rama a quick squeeze of the hand. “I will. You do the same.”
They leaned close and kissed him on the cheek. “Have a good time at work.”
“Thanks. I mean, I’ll try. I’ll see you guys later.”
And with that, he headed over to his car and got inside. Before driving off, he waved at the house one more time. Rama waved back, standing in the yard, and Michelle did, too, watching from the front window. He kept looking at them as he pulled away.
———————
That evening, Jackie was driving back from work, tired after a long day, when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Who could be texting him now? Rama, maybe? Did they want to continue the conversation they had before he went to the hospital? Or maybe it was similarly important. Curious, Jackie pulled over to the side of the road and parked, taking his phone out to check it really quick.
The message was from JJ. Hey Jackie. Sorry, but it’s happened again.
Jackie knew what that meant. He unlocked the phone and replied, Marvin? Whats the problem this time? Symptoms?
Fever again. Sometimes coughing, no sneezing. I thought it was just a cold, but I think it’s getting bad.
Bad? Jackie asked, already worried.
Maybe I’m just paranoid. Thinking about that time he had to stay in the hospital last year. But I’d rather be safe than sorry. Can you pop over?
Jackie didn’t hesitate. Of course. I’ll be right there. But first, how long has he been sick?
JJ paused, probably thinking. Well it really only started the day before yesterday, but about a week ago he got a little sick. He was better by the next day, so I assumed that was it.
Yknow he mightve been pretending to be better?
If he was, I’m going to kill him, JJ immediately replied.
Jackie let out a huff of laughter. Dont kill him before I get there. I’ll be there in ten minutes, tops.
Got it. Thanks.
He put his phone back in his pocket and pulled back onto the road. He really hoped it wasn’t a repeat of what happened last year. That situation had been...worrying. Stressful, even. Because Marvin hadn’t had any official paperwork, they couldn’t get him to the hospital right away, not until Anti could forge some stuff. Poor Marvin had to suffer through a lot before they got everything together. Luckily, they’d gotten him up-to-date with paperwork and vaccines since then, but even so, winter seemed to especially affect his health.
It was unlikely that this would be a similar situation, but just in case, Jackie stepped on the gas.
———————
He arrived at Marvin and Jameson’s house nine minutes later and hurried up to the front door, where he knocked and waited. Almost immediately the door swung open to show Jameson inside. So glad you could make it, he signed. I hope I didn’t message you at an inconvenient time.
“Huh? No, it was fine, I was heading back home, anyway.” Jackie stepped inside, and JJ closed the door behind him. “Is he in his room?”
Unless he left in the last minute, JJ said.
That might actually be a possibility, given Marvin’s attitude towards being sick. Jackie hurried down the hall to his bedroom. The door was closed, so he slowly eased it open and poked his head in. “Marvin? It’s me.”
The lights were off, and the dark room was filled with the sound of an electric fan whirring. Something moved on the bed—probably Marvin rolling over. “Y’got t’be more specific. ‘Me’ coul’ be anyone,” he mumbled.
“It’s Jackie.” As he said this, Jackie reached over and flipped on the light switch, so Marvin could see him as well as hear.
“Ah!” Marvin squeezed his eyes shut against the sudden brightness. “Jackie? Huh. Come for a visit..? No, wait...y’here for somet’ing?”
“Yeah, I’m just uh...stopping by for a bit.” Jackie took a step into the room, JJ following shortly behind, and walked over to the bed. “How are you feeling?”
“‘M fine. Jus’ grand.” Obviously, this was not the case. Marvin was sweating enough to make his hair damp, and his skin had a sickly pallor. But despite how hot he seemed, he was shivering, and had the comforter on the bed pulled up. Mr. Fluffington was sitting next to the pillow, purring furiously. Marvin reached over and petted him for a moment before flinging his arm over his face and covering his eyes. “Ev’ryt’ing’s Jake.”
“Yeah. Um...clearly not.” Jackie looked over at JJ. “Can you go get the—”
Already anticipating what he was going to ask for, JJ walked over to the nearest chair and picked up their first aid kit, coming back over to hand it to Jackie.
“Oh. Thanks.” Jackie took it and started rummaging about inside. “Marv, I’m going to take your temperature, do you mind?”
“A-ha. So it’s a fuckin’...fucking’ check-up I get it...” Marvin trailed off into mumbling under his breath, but didn’t protest as Jackie pulled out the thermometer and took his temperature. After it was done, he rolled over onto his side, practically burying his face in Fluffington’s fur.
Jackie looked down at the thermometer and frowned. 39.2 C...that wasn’t good. Wasn’t good at all. “Marvin? How do you really feel? Like...on the fatigue scale, where would you be?”
Marvin looked back over at him, head rolling lazily. “Hmm...se-seven? Seven and a half?”
“You have a really high fever. Is there anything else, like a headache or something?”
“Well...” Marvin paused to think. His eyes were a bit glazed. “T’ere’s a tickle in my throat. Won’ go ‘way. My nose is all stuffy. Felt a bit sick...sick like...the stomach issues sick. Couldn’ eat anyt’ing ‘cause...bad.”
Jackie glanced over at JJ, hovering nearby. I can second that, JJ said. He didn’t have dinner.
“Alright. It’s probably just a cold,” Jackie said. Yet a note of uncertainty remained in his voice. “A bad one, but you’ll probably be fine.”
So what do we do then? JJ asked.
Jackie hesitated. “Well...” His instincts were telling him not to take any risks, to stay and make sure everything stayed fine. “Given past experiences, is it okay if I spend the night? Just to keep an eye on things.”
“Wha...?” With a fair amount of effort, Marvin sat up. “No, don’ stay over, you’re...you’re prob’ly all busy. Ye jus’ said it was alrigh’.”
“Alright...for now,” Jackie said darkly. “Right now you’re on the edge of ‘a bad cold’ and ‘a serious issue.’ Things could easily get worse in the night, but by tomorrow, it’ll be clear if this is the worst it’ll get or...if there’s more.”
JJ’s expression was filled with anxiety. Is there anything I can do to help?
“Yeah. Get him to take his shirt off.”
Marvin snorted. “Whoa, Jackie, you know Jems and I aren’...aren’ a pair. Not t’at type of pair.”
Jackie rolled his eyes. “Seriously, you need to change your shirt. I know your feelings on short sleeves, but this is making your fever worse.” He turned back to JJ. “Anyway, you know what else. Ibuprofen, water, all that. You already got the fan on, that’s good.”
JJ nodded seriously. Got it. You really want to stay over?
“Well...better safe than sorry, you know? If it starts to go bad, I can recognize it, and we can get him to the hospital really quickly. Is...is it okay?”
Of course it is! You can stay whenever, but especially in this situation. You’re the doctor, after all. JJ smiled gently.
Marvin groaned. “Fffffine, Jackie can stay.”
Jackie smiled a bit at Marvin’s acceptance. But really, him not protesting more was a sign of how bad he felt. At this point, he probably recognized that he needed help, and it wasn’t worth the struggle. “Great. I’ll just have to call Schneep and tell him what’s going on, so he doesn’t get worried when I don’t show up at the flat. But right now, where do you keep the Ibuprofen?”
———————
Marvin and Jameson’s town house didn’t have a guest bedroom, so Jackie had to set up in the living room. Luckily, they did have lots of spare pillows and blankets. But Jackie wasn’t going to sleep right away. He was staying over to keep an eye on things, so that’s what he did. First, by making sure Marvin actually changed clothes into something cooler and more lightweight. Then, by teaming up with JJ to make sure Marvin actually ate dinner. He still didn’t have much of an appetite, but between the two of them, they convinced him that he needed the energy. Oh, and water. He needed lots of water.
In the meantime, Jackie watched some YouTube videos on his phone to pass the time. JJ offered to lend him a book, but Jackie turned him down. He wasn’t in the mood to read, and besides, it would probably take him days to finish with his new work schedule. Every so often, he got up and went into Marvin’s bedroom to check on him. Maybe too often. Marvin quickly got annoyed, though he didn’t have the energy to snap at him.
“Hey, do you need anything?” Jackie asked on perhaps his fifth check-in.
“I need...t’not be so hot,” Marvin replied, a faint note of sarcasm in his voice.
“Do you feel worse?” Jackie asked. “Maybe you need to take off the blanket?”
“No.” Marvin briefly buried his face in the pillow before realizing that he couldn’t breathe like that, not while his nose was all congested. “‘f I take off the...the blanket, then ‘m too cold.”
“Ah. Well, maybe a thinner one, then? Here, lemme take your temperature again.”
Marvin didn’t say anything, just allowed the temperature-taking and the blanket-switching. Then he rolled over and closed his eyes, presumably falling asleep immediately.
JJ bounced between being on his computer, being upstairs in his magic workroom, and checking up on and bringing things to Marvin. He constantly seemed distracted, unable to commit to one course of action. Jackie couldn’t blame him. His best friend was sick, and there was a distinct possibility that he could get worse and would need to go to the hospital. Anyone would wander around, unsure what to do.
One time, JJ came into the living room with his laptop and sat down, writing. “What’re you doing?” Jackie asked.
JJ looked up. Work stuff. A lot of emails, mostly.
“Ugh. Work emails.” Jackie shook his head. “Y’know half the time the emails I get aren’t even relevant to me. It’s like ‘Notice: thing in the operating room’ and I’m like ‘you do know I’m just a GP, right? And for kids, too, right?’ Like, I think I’ve been in the operating room twice.”
JJ chuckled weakly. It’s a bit different for me. I have to coordinate rehearsals and effect supplies, book venues, and generally manage and schedule a bunch of people.
“Really? What about your manager? What’s her name, uhhh...Darla? Doesn’t she do that stuff?”
Sort of. It’s like a joint effort. I’m technically in charge, though, so I at least have to approve everything.
Jackie shook his head. “I could never do that. Too much. How do you manage?”
I was a theatre kid, JJ said, shrugging with a half-smile on his face.
“Does having actual magic help?”
Not really, not with all the organizational stuff. If anything, it can make things more complicated, as I have to figure out a trick that I can use with real magic but cover up with tricks and effects. JJ sighed. I really need this to go well, Jackie. It’s the first show since my voice was damaged, it has to work out.
Jackie smiled at him. He leaned over from his position on the sofa and put a hand on JJ’s shoulder, which he could barely reach as JJ was sitting in a different chair. “You’ll do great. Your shows have always been fantastic, and the voice thing isn’t going to change that.”
JJ smiled a bit. Thanks, Jackie. Glad to know you think so.
“We all do. We belieeeeve in youuuu.”
JJ laughed a bit, and returned to his emails.
Eventually, night came. JJ wrapped up his work and reluctantly headed to bed, not wanting to leave Marvin alone and sick. But Jackie assured him that it would be fine. He would be staying up, and if Marvin wanted to talk to JJ specifically, he could go wake him up. Or Marvin could text him. Mostly reassured, Jameson went upstairs to sleep, leaving Jackie awake in the living room.
Jackie checked on Marvin a couple times more, but found him asleep. Exhausted from all the fatigue he was feeling. Good. If he slept well, he’d probably be better in the morning, and they could all relax when it turned out to be a terrible cold, and nothing more.
Watching YouTube videos eventually got boring, so Jackie decided to plug his phone in to charge and do something else for a bit. As it turned out, Mr. Fluffington was still awake as well. So Jackie found a laser pointer in a table drawer in the living room and played with him for a bit. Until, after a while, Fluffington got tired of the red dot, and even the cat went to bed.
Bored again, Jackie put the laser pointer back. He was considering JJ’s offer of lending a book to read, and was looking over the titles of the ones on the living room bookshelves, when he heard...something. Some sort of distant sound. He paused, going still as he listened.
For a while, nothing happened, and everything was silent. But then, he heard it again. A voice? Someone saying something? Maybe it wasn’t words, but instead just sounds...distressed sounds. After a few moments of listening, Jackie realized with a start that the voice was coming from down the hall. The direction of Marvin’s room.
Something must have been wrong. Immediately, Jackie unplugged his phone and pocketed it—just in case—and headed down the hall, half-running. He reached Marvin’s door soon, finding it closed. He didn’t hesitate to open it and step inside. “Marvin?! Is everything okay?”
The room was dark again, pitch black in the night. The fan was off. Strange, it was on last time Jackie was in here. Had Marvin woken up and turned it off? That didn’t matter. He could clearly hear Marvin, crying out and whimpering. Jackie flicked the light switch on and walked over. “Marvin? What’s wrong?”
Marvin didn’t answer, just kept mumbling and crying, sounding frantic. Then, Jackie noticed his eyes were closed. Ah. So he was asleep. Having a nightmare. And a bad one, by the looks of it. His blankets and even his shirt were all twisted around him, which only upset him more, as he seemed to be trying to fight against them. Jackie reached out and put a hand on his head, then immediately pulled it away. He was so hot, the fever burning him up. Jackie turned the fan on and checked the bedside nightstand for anything else. There was a half-empty glass of water and a damp cloth. That would work.
He picked up the damp cloth and tried to put it on Marvin’s head. But Marvin cried out and yanked his head away, shouting...something. Jackie couldn’t quite catch it, but he thought he heard ‘go away’ and ‘don’t want your help.’ “Marvin, it’s me. I-I want to—can you wake up? Wake up, it’s fine.” He reached out to try and untangle the blankets.
That turned out to be the wrong thing to do. Marvin started flailing wildly, tossing, turning, kicking, waving. The blankets restricted his movement, but it was still enough to make him roll off the opposite side of the bed. “Marvin!” Jackie leaned over the bed. “God damn it. I’ll get you, don’t worry.”
As he walked around to the other side, he stopped for a moment. The edge of the blankets were tucked into the gap between the mattress and the footboard. Jackie pulled them out, letting the blankets go free. That made them somewhat less restrictive, but it also meant that Marvin, still moving and struggling, ended up wrapping them loosely around his legs. Which...actually probably didn’t help in the long run. Well, too late now. Jackie knelt down on the ground next to Marvin. “Hey, calm down, it’s fine,” he said, trying to sound soothing as he went about untangling the blankets around him.
It took longer than he expected. Marvin kept wriggling and flailing, but still had his eyes firmly shut as he remained asleep. Jackie tried to wake him up, but to no avail. And he kept muttering the whole time, occasionally whimpering or crying out as if in pain. His words ran together, slurred by sleep-talking, but some distinct phrases popped up: “Get away!” “Don’t you dare...” “Leave me alone!” “...don’t want it.” “Don’t want you.” It hurt Jackie’s heart to hear. Was it the fever causing this nightmare? Or something more?
After a good few minutes, he freed the blankets, leaving them on the floor as he tried to pick up Marvin. Again, the struggling made this difficult. Marvin actively tried to push him away at times...though that mostly turned into him weakly slapping Jackie’s face and arms. But Jackie was determined, and managed to get Marvin back on top of the mattress. Once there, Marvin gave up and went limp, lying there still. Jackie sighed in relief and pressed his hand to his head. Still hot, and his pale skin was damp with sweat. He should wake him up soon, get him to drink some water to replace what he lost with all the sweat. But first, he picked up the damp rag again, using some of the water from the glass to wet it more and make it cooler. He laid the cloth across Marvin’s forehead.
The moment he did, something...unusual started to happen. Marvin whimpered, turned his head to the side, and started to cry. Tears leaked from his eyes as he quietly sobbed and continued to mumble something. The words had changed. Now, Jackie could hear a lot of “No” and “Please don’t” over and over and over. As he listened, stunned, these were broken up by adding “I’m sorry” and “I’ll be good” to the mix, which only shocked him further.
“God. Marvin,” he whispered to himself. No more waiting, he had to wake him up now. He couldn’t handle the thought of leaving him to whatever horrible nightmare he was having. “Marvin, wake up. It’s me, it’s Jackie.” He leaned over and started shaking him. Gently at first, then gradually harder as that failed to wake him up. His voice slowly raised. “Marvin. Marvin! This is Jackie. You need to wake up!”
After what felt like ages, Marvin stopped mumbling. He groaned, and slowly opened his eyes, staring up at Jackie. At first, confused. Then slowly getting his bearings. He reached up and weakly grabbed at the damp cloth on his forehead until he managed to take it off. Then he tried to sit up, but gave up once the fatigue proved too heavy. “Whoa...” he muttered. “I...where...? When...?”
“You’re in your room. In the house you live in with Jameson,” Jackie explained patiently. “It’s...” He checked the time on his phone. “Ha, it’s midnight on the dot.”
“What...?” Marvin swallowed dryly. “What’s the date?”
“December 10th.”
“...the year?”
“2018.”
“Right.” Marvin nodded a bit, then stopped, looking a bit dizzy. Once again, he tried to sit up, and this time Jackie helped him prop himself against the headboard. “D’you...have any water?”
“Yeah.” Jackie grabbed the water glass and offered it to him. Marvin grasped it weakly, and Jackie only let go once he was sure he could hold it securely.
Immediately, Marvin lifted the glass to his mouth and drank, draining the glass. “Th’nk you,” he said, handing it back.
“No problem,” Jackie said, taking it. “I can go get more, if you want. Colder, too.”
Marvin took a deep breath, looking unsure. Actually, he looked more than unsure. He looked...shaken.
“You were...having a bad dream,” Jackie said gently. “I-I could hear you making noise, talking and...shouting and...and crying. So I came to check on you. You were rolling around and fell off at one point, but now you’re awake. A-and you’re alright. You’re safe.”
Marvin stared at him for a while, then looked away and closed his eyes, taking another deep breath. Then, strangely...he laughed. “Bad dream,” he repeated. “‘Tis always a bad dream. T’at’s...only time I remember. Which ‘s...strange...isn’ it? T’at’s not how mem’ry works.”
“Remember?” Jackie blinked. “Remember what?”
A pause. Marvin opened his eyes, but didn’t look directly at Jackie. “If y’coul’...go get water I’d…’preciate it.”
“Do you mean...the time you were with him?” Jackie asked softly.
Marvin stiffened. “How’d you...?”
“How did I guess? I just...” Jackie looked down at his hands. He traced the scars on his wrists and shrugged. “It sounded...familiar.”
The silence that followed stretched on. Jackie was worried he’d overstepped some boundary and was about to leave, when Marvin pulled his knees up and gestured to the end of the bed, now clear without his legs there. “Sit down.”
Jackie sat. “Did I—do you not want to talk about it?”
“You...you r’member, righ’?” Marvin asked. “What happened...when you were with him?”
“Of course. I-I-I couldn’t forget.” Jackie laughed humorlessly. “It’s actually a problem, so much reminds me of it. I had to make Volt throw out his zip-ties, and put away his knives and half his cleaning stuff when I moved in with him, since just looking at them freaked me out. I mean, he’s taken them out again now. ‘Cause it’s a bit better. But I can’t...can’t go home, or into any house that’s even a bit similar to that place, can’t spend too much time inside...” He trailed off. “You...don’t remember anything?”
Marvin hummed, leaning his head back against the wall. “‘T’s strange for me. I don’...I don’ remember how I got here. To the...the ‘when,’ I mean. But I...I’m startin’ t t’ink that...he’s the reason for that.”
“Like...he brought you to the present?” Jackie asked.
“No.” Marvin shook his head a bit, but gave up, wincing a bit. Jackie guessed a headache or something that made the motion worse. “I don’ t’ink he coul’ do t’at. It...it doesn’ really fit him, or...or what he can do. Y’know? But...after I got here, however t’at happened, I...I t’ink I ran into him. A-an’ he decided someone so confused woul’ be an easy target.” He paused for a moment, just breathing. Jackie waited patiently. “I didn’...didn’ r’member any of t’is at first. I forgot ev’ryt’ing between bein’ home, and meeting Jems. But...when I go to sleep, I remember. In my dreams.”
“Well...that can happen sometimes,” Jackie said slowly. “Your brain can block out upsetting stuff. And having nightmares about what happened to you is a common trauma response. At least, that’s what I’ve been told.”
“No, no, I know t’at, but it’s...diff’rent for me,” Marvin insisted. “It’s all...too clear. Like it’s happenin’ for the first time. And...I know the dreams r’lly happened, because...I have scars...that match up.”
At that, Jackie glanced down at Marvin’s arms. He’d noticed the scars before, but hadn’t really thought too much about them. Maybe that said something about him as a friend. Or maybe he just didn’t want to pry. But they definitely existed. Most of them were short lines, probably caused by something sharp, but there were also a few burn scars on Marvin’s upper arms. They were all usually covered by his shirt. Jackie suddenly made a connection. “Is that why you always wear long sleeves?”
“Don’ t’ink so,” Marvin mumbled. “Everyt’ing I say, about proper dress and wantin’ t’keep to a routine and not wantin’ any random people grabbin’ my arm...that’s all true. But...maybe it is a reason, but I jus’ don’ realize it. Is that why you wear your jacket all the time now?”
“Hmm.” Jackie tugged at the cuffs of his hoodie. “No. I mean, it’s related. I just...” He paused, getting his thoughts together. “I didn’t have this while I was with him. I-I left it behind. Or...he did, when he showed up. So it’s just...a reminder that it’s all safe now.”
“Reminder,” Marvin repeated, and nodded, once.
Jackie let out a long exhale. It was really easy to talk to Marvin about all this. He’d had to work up to sharing details like this with his therapist, but now, he was letting them spill. It must have been because he knew Marvin would understand. “I guess if you don’t remember anything, you don’t need a reminder. Right? Ha. I-I wish I didn’t remember.”
Marvin pressed a hand to his head, as if he could feel the empty spots where the missing memories were supposed to be. “I don’ know. I think...I think I’d rather jus’ know. Because...he must’ve done it. He must’ve made me forget. But...why? For what? What’s the purpose? Is there...somet’ing I still don’ know? T’at he wanted to keep secret?”
“Huh. I...didn’t think of that.” Jackie frowned. “You’re right.”
“T’ere’s a lot missing. I’ve dreamt about how...about how we met, but how’d I get out? I dreamt him takin’ my set of playin’ cards, but...why do I feel...they were so important? More t’an just bein’ mine, I mean. And what...what did I do?” Marvin said that last part in a hushed tone.
Jackie stared at him. Then he stood, took a few steps closer to Marvin, and sat back down on the bed, now next to Marvin. He leaned against the headboard instead of sitting on the edge, so the two of them were mirroring each other, side by side. It wasn’t particularly comfortable. The bed was narrow, so he had to sit very close to Marvin, still burning with fever. But...he wanted to. And Marvin didn’t protest. “If you did anything, it wasn’t your fault,” Jackie said softly. “You can’t...do anything in that state.”
Marvin rubbed his eyes. They were starting to water. “You...know?”
Jackie nodded silently.
Taking a shaky breath, Marvin asked, “What...h-how bad...were the things he...made you...?”
After a long moment, Jackie replied. “No one died. But...some were hurt. I think...if I stayed there any longer, it would’ve gotten worse.” He had to stop for a moment. He’d...never told anyone about that. “But it’s...it’s not our fault. It’s Distorter’s. We called him that because he distorts thought, a-and that’s exactly what he did. We aren’t those thoughts he put there, o-or the actions he caused.”
Marvin couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. He buried his face in his hands, but Jackie caught a glimpse of them flowing before he could hide them entirely. “I jus’...wish I coul’ remember.” A sob caught in this throat. “I remember feelin’ horrible, I remember screamin’ at him for what he made me do, I remember tryin’ to fight against it...but I don’ remember what I did. I t’ink...I might dream the memory one day. A-an’ I...don’ know...how I’ll react.”
Jackie leaned against him. Reaching up, he took Marvin’s wrist and slowly pulled his hand away from his face, revealing the tear stains and bloodshot eyes. “We aren’t those thoughts,” he repeated, quietly, but firmly. “Those actions weren’t us.”
Marvin stared at him. Then nodded. He looked away. “Will you...stay? For a while?”
“Of course.”
The two of them sat in silence for a long while, the night stretched before them.
———————
The next morning, Jackie woke up to the familiar sounds of someone making breakfast. He opened his eyes and sat up, wincing a bit at the ache in his side and neck. The sofa was clearly designed for sitting, not sleeping. He stretched to try and make it better, then stood and went into the kitchen.
JJ was the one cooking. He waved at Jackie, then asked him for help carrying food to Marvin, still in bed. Jackie agreed and the two of them went down the hall.
Marvin was awake. Sitting up, in fact, with Fluffington in his lap. He thanked the two of them for breakfast. While he ate, Jackie gave him a quick check-up, taking his temperature and asking him basic questions. The fever had distinctly died down, and Marvin reported that he felt really tired, but not nauseous, and he could breathe easier. Jackie and JJ were both immediately relieved.
“So it’s just a cold, then,” Jackie concluded, relaxing for the first time in a full day. “Sorry about all the trouble, you two.”
“Eh, better safe t’an sorry, right?” Marvin shrugged. “And ‘t was...nice to have you over.”
Jackie gave him a gentle smile. Then he said, “I’ll be going now, then. It was nice to be over, too. Though sleeping on the sofa kind of sucked.”
Well you’re wearing jeans, JJ pointed out.
“That’s not a problem, I sleep in jeans a lot.”
What?! JJ gasped, looking personally offended. Jackie, you didn’t tell me you were absolutely out of your mind! How can that be comfortable?!
Jackie laughed. “You get used to it.”
“No, ‘m with Jems on t’is one,” Marvin said, his words slightly muffled as he was speaking into his cup of apple juice.
“I used to take long night shifts at the hospital years ago, and I was so tired that I didn’t even bother to get into pajamas when I got home,” Jackie defended himself. “I mean, I don’t have night shifts anymore, but that’s still a leftover quirk.”
Marvin rolled his eyes. “Didn’ ye say you had to go?”
“Yeah, I told Volt I’d be back in the morning before he went to work at ten. I’ll tell him how you’re doing, by the way. Anti, too.”
“T’anks.” Marvin looked at him. “For...ev’ryt’ing. Be seein’ you.”
“Be seeing you,” Jackie repeated. “And thank you. Goodbye.”
JJ looked confused. He followed Jackie as he headed down the hall to the front door. Before he could leave, he asked, Did something happen?
“Oh. Uhh we had a talk last night,” Jackie said. “About some...serious stuff.”
Ah. I won’t pry, then, JJ said, backing off. Hey, Jackie. Thanks for coming over and staying and everything. I hope it wasn’t an inconvenience.
“It’s never an inconvenience to help a friend. Or, you know, even if there wasn’t a problem, I’d be happy to stay over any time.” Jackie laughed a bit. “Just gotta prepare a bit better next time. Get an air mattress.”
JJ smiled. Still, thank you. It...it really means a lot, you know? I’m sure Marvin’s glad you stop by to check on him when he’s sick, even when he protests. But remember to take care of yourself too, you know?
Jackie nodded. “Thanks, J. I will. But you have to remember that, too. I know you’re busy with your show and now Marvin’s sick and everything, but keep your stress levels down. You worry a lot about everyone else. Might spread yourself too thin.”
JJ sighed. It...has happened before. I’ll try.
“No, you won’t try. You will take care of yourself. Or let Marvin or one of us do it.”
Alright, I get the point, JJ smiled a bit. Hey, by the way, the show starts in January. Opening night is New Year’s Day, actually. You and Henrik and Anti can come see it for free, if you want. The families, too.
“I’ll keep it in mind,” Jackie said cheerfully. Rama and Michelle would probably like that. “I’ll see you later, then?”
See you later. Bye, Jackie.
“Bye, JJ.”
Jackie headed out, hurrying to his car, still parked where he left it last night. A few loose snowflakes started to fall from the sky as he climbed inside and turned on the heater.
That was...a night. An unexpected one, but...one he needed. He reflected on it as he started to drive away. Then, he took the turn that would take him to Rama and Michelle’s house—his house. There was still time before he said he’d be back at Schneep’s apartment. He wanted to be with his family again.
#jacksepticeye#jacksepticegos#jacksepticeye fanfiction#jacksepticeye au#septic egos#septic egos au#jackieboy man#dr jackie parker#marvin the magnificent#1920s marvin#jameson jackson#the jaunty jackson#brigid writes fanfiction#septicswitchau
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Romano :)
First impression
Early fandom, I really did just jump right into fanon portrayal. Asshole. Conceded. Lazy. Ect. I actually disliked him. I didn't hate him, but I did dislike him to a degree.
Impression now
Oh no yeah I hate him, you guys should know this by now.
Jk jk, I love him, obviously! After actually looking into his character and analyzing it, he's complex and well written, when before I thought he was just a poorly written character. It's pretty obvious he has some serious issues to him, one of which could be intentional or unintentional emotional abuse from those around him or specifically from Rome— I say this because most of what he does, putting himself down and having low effort and cowering behind his brother/others during conflict, could be a result of such kind of abuse. You really don't get that way randomly. Through his interactions with his younger brother, I can tell he deep down wants to actually make a connection, its just he doesnt know how. Its in his nature, most likely learned nature, to push people away so as to not mess things up and lose them. But really he does want to get close to people. As shown with his interactions with Spain, both younger and older, and America.
Favorite moment
SO MANY TO CHOOSE.
Its a tie between:
Him asking Spain for fun stuff to do with the ladies, specifically bullfighting, and then Spain responding with saying he'll be the bull. I like it because it really does display how Romano's view and relationship with Spain has progressed since he was a child when he absolutely detested Spain. Thats growth :)
And then there's when Prussia reaches out to a crying Romano. He cheers him up and then they try to make a movie together. It doesn't work out but it was a nice character detail and interaction nonetheless!
Idea for a story
Oh I have tons.
I have a scrapped three part story for all three Italy brothers, each one focusing on one brother. The first part would have been Romano's. He and his brothers lost their parents to a home evasion gone wrong, to which they were hiding in Seb's nursary/shared bedroom(amongst all three of them) closet that was left alone(what would baby stuff be worth anyway?? It was an unspoken fact that his parents told the robbers they were away at their grandparents). It was Romano's self assigned job to make sure his brothers were then safe after the crooks left; his several months old baby brother and deaf little brother(I wanted to explore how to write a deaf character at the time). After all thats done, it shifts to modern day where Romano wakes up from the dream as described above, an indication he bears a great deal of trauma over it despite what he stubbornly says. I reveal he's a pediatric nurse and he's currently taking care of his grandfather with alzheimer's(again, was trying to explore things) while simultaneously dealing with his now rebelling teenage brother and preparing for Vene's return from a semester off from college. He also had his relationship with Spain to maintain, to which he also is looked at as a kind of father figure by Spain's six year old son. It was a lot to deal with for one person. The message for his story was supposed to be Mental Health First as his nelgected trauma would be a significant factor into why things were falling apart near the climax of the story before completely collasping then being solved once he takes that big step into recovery such as seeing a therapist and actually communicating with his family.
Unpopular opinion
I've already stated it all before, but Romano isn't stupid nor is he not creative. I believe he excells in science and math more, as well as astonomy as side hobby/interest. I think he's just better at sculpting than drawing/painting too. He clearly compares himself to, who he refers to, his more successful brother Veneziano, plus others around him and puts himself down quite a lot. So he most likely has imposter syndrome.
Favorite relationship
It kinda varies in context.
In canonverse, Its Romerica. @thatsamericano (hope you dont mind the tag) has a lot to do with why tbh. They just work really well together! Every canon interaction is like a hug to my soul! I feel as though America hypes Romano up A LOT. Like Romano sets out to do something but then gets anxious about it. So America swoops in and lists all the obvious pros and few of the cons just to make it seem legit(whisch it always is either way). Meanwhile, I think Romano actually keeps America grounded to reality? America is a dreamer and seems to act on impulse a lot. Romano is the opposite. Before America ever sets out to do something extreme that might not actually pan out, Romano might sit down and get him to talk it out and write everything down. Then they'd go through together and cut things so its more realistically reachable and doesnt end in America's dissapointment.
In a human au, its Spamano. I tend to like Spamano in the context of established relationship and just general partner stuff. I've never really branched out of this comfort zone, however. I think their personalities mix really well together. Its the grumpy one with the sunny one! I can see Spain being the early bird and making Romano a surprise breakfast before work begins. He probably gently wakes Romano too so hes still not so sleepy later on. Then theres Romano who's probably the type of partner who checks in on Spain on his schedualed breaks, when hes not also working of course. He just strikes me as the type who likes to know his partner's overall health and mood and likes to hear how things are going for the day so far, even if he wont admit it.
Favorite headcanon
Trans man Romano baybie✌
He's had top surgery already but he's waiting a little bit for bottom surgery. He's a little nervous and not entirely sure he's ready to go thru with it yet. But to combat his bottom dysphoria, he uses a packer or just lounges around the baggiest sweat pants he owns.
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Wickedly Domestic
Chapter 2: Coffee and Traffic
John Wick x OC
TW: nothing really, mentions of anxiety
As always if I miss something or if you need something tagged please let me know
Anyone could tell that he had just woken up, he was glaring at her hair mussed clothes rumpled. Daisy yapped and licked at his ankles, “oh, yeah.” He stepped aside to let the dog into the house. Maria stood at the edge of his porch, wringing her fingers together she stepped fully onto the porch and bit her lip when she stumbled over the baby step up. She was trying to not stare at the handsome man as she brought her hands up to her cheeks to stop her nervous habit as well as hopefully cool her blush.
“I was uhh, out running at the swamp and the uh dog - Daisy ran up to me and-” She jumped when he stepped aside, gesturing her inside with a wave of his arm.
“Coffee?” John turned and left the door open, Maria let her jaw drop she didn’t think she would have gotten this far. Most people don’t give her a second look, let alone invite her in for coffee. Her round stomach and thick thighs scared most people away and this man was seriously gorgeous. She was still sweating through her sports bra from her run. She stepped up into his house following him into the kitchen very slowly. Clasping her hands tightly together she looked around one of the most modern and opulent homes she’s ever seen. She looked over the photos hanging in the hallway, they were all of the same beautiful woman. Laughing or looking pensive, as she made her way further into the home she noticed more pictures, this time including some of the handsome stranger who she could hear making coffee in what she assumed was a huge kitchen.
She was looking over his mid room bookshelf at her heart stopped when she saw what was one of the most breathtaking wedding photos she had ever seen. They were both standing there and she could feel the love, she felt like she was in the moment. He was looking at her like he was seeing color first the first time or like everything just fell into place. While she knew he was out of her league she always hoped she would manage to land a hot guy, and rescuing a lost puppy sounds like the beginning of a Nicholas Sparks movie. Seeing this photo somehow filled her with so much love and made her feel like she was going to be sick at the same time. Any dreams of hitting on the very fine apparently married man were dashed away. She heard the sound of coffee cups being set onto a counter and the tinkling of Daisy’s collar against something. Maria made her way to the kitchen, still wringing her fingers, a nervous habit she picked up. It was better than chewing her fingernails like how she did was she was younger but it was an easy tell.
She took her cup of coffee and sat at the island in the kitchen nervously sipping what was one of the best cups of coffee she had ever had in her life. She didn’t even like it black but there was something about it that she couldn’t stop drinking it. She chanced a glance over to him and smiled nervously over her cup. He grunted and looked down at his foot where Daisy was resting, tired from her adventure away from home.
“Yeah, I found her at the swamp. She was just wandering around, I don't know how she got there.” She was letting her words flow before she could stop herself. Her host kept staring on, a man of few words. “You’re house is amazing, I live a few blocks over and I didn’t think I would ever see a house this big in real life let alone be drinking coffee in it-” she paused to take a breath, it was like she was talking to a ghost. She couldn’t even hear him breathe. “Daisy is a sweetie and she did so good in the car, also your wife is beau-” there was a clatter of a cup onto the counter, she looked at him and saw his shoulders shake. She couldn’t tell if it was from anger or from sadness, but she could now feel the overwhelming heat come off of him. She shrank back into her seat and held her cup up close to her mouth. Knowing that it was useless if he decided to attack but not having anything closer.
“Was. My wife WAS beautiful.” He ran a hand through his hair and Maria felt her blood run cold and her face heat up to an uncomfortable level. How this man managed to bring out the worst in her she had no idea, she couldn’t remember the last time she was this nervous in front of anyone. She opened her mouth to apologize and he held up a hand. “She just recently passed. Just a few days ago.”
“I am- my condolences. I can tell you love her, I’m always here if you need an ear to vent to.” She let out a nervous laugh placing her cup on the table pressing her fingers to her cheeks. “I haven’t even introduced myself and im offering to be a fucking therapist that you probably dont need.” She took a breath and held out her hand. Closing her eyes she waited until he took it before she started up again. Maria didn’t realize how bad she was shaking until he took her hand in his. His touch was warm, when he wrapped his fingers around hers she jumped, she could feel what felt like ripples of electricity branch off from where her fingers grazed. It really hit home how nervous and sweaty she was, she bit her lip and cracked open her eyes. His gaze was fixed on where their hands met and when he flicked his eyes up to meet hers she let out the breath she was holding. He really was gorgeous, he was older, that was apparent. Sharp facial hair even though he just woke up, hard eyes that were brown and deep enough to get lost in. Maria wet her lips and she saw he followed the line of her tongue and she flushed.
“My name is Maria, I live just a few blocks away and I work at a bank in the city.” Maria jumped at that, yanking her hand back from his like she was burnt. John looked at his hand, flexing his fingers before watching her dig her phone out of her jacket. Maria let out a pathetic little sob when she saw the time on her phone. “Oh fuck, oh fuck. I am going to get fired! I am so fucking LATE.” She started up and rushed to the door, pulling her keys from the same pocket her phone was in. Her yelling woke up Daisy who was following behind John as he guided her back to the front door with a light touch on her back. She could feel his wedding ring like a brand and bit her lip, she should not be thirsting over this man. This man who was only being nice because she found his dog, this man who had to have admirers lined around his block, this man who just lost his wife.
He could feel the panic coming off of her from his front door. She nervously waved at him before backing out and making a run to her car, which she parked at the end of his driveway. Why she parked so far away from the door, he wasn’t sure most of the guests that came over were Helen’s and they always had no problem parking so close. If anyone who was there for him drove a car they parked as close as possible, trying to be intimidating. It was refreshing to have someone blissfully unaware of who he was, what he was. He watched her rush to her car and did a double take when he saw the delicate pattern of daisies wrapped around her right shoulder.
“The names John!” he called after her, not wanting to have the girl more scared of him then she already was. She stopped dead in her tracks, letting the timbre of his voice carry down her spine as he shouted after her. Letting out a breath she waved at him while she climbed into her car before peeling out of the neighborhood. He watched her speed away before closing the door and waking up properly for his day. He had to get kibble and toys for Daisy and he had a date with the tarmac and his Mustang.
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OCD Subtypes for the RPC
Part 1 is here
Well well well, we are back for Part 2 of the Roleplayer’s Guide to OCD.
Fellow Ocd Folks, I see you in those tags and I'm going to do my best to ensure those obsessions are represented here- BUT understand that physically it is not going to be possible to list every single one because I am one person. Regardless its incredibly brave of you all to rb and add things in the tags, I know its hard to talk about this shit and I see you. I see you.
Resultantly I typed this out and posted it in formatting to assist with accessibility in mind; if you cannot read it still ( I tried Im sorry!) i recommend the copy and paste method or getting the chrome extension bee-line reader.
There will be grammatical and spelling mistakes. Im sure spacing is odd some places, but you have to understand doing this is extremely anxiety provoking for me so Im just getting it done when I can.
Remember to use your critical thinking; not everyone has the same symptoms/compulsions/triggers and all that.
OCD is fluid. Its like liquid mercury. One day its a handful of subtypes another day its another different serving.
If you are in general squicked about certain topics even by mention read ahead with your own judgement. Remember us folks that have OCD have many disturbing and distressing experiences so if you are writing a character who has OCD and you can’t read about it just don’t give them that obsessive thought/ compulsion. Make sure writing is still a safe and enjoyable hobby for yourself first and foremost.
But ethically and morally I cannot and will not leave out the more disturbing bits. You have the ability to scroll by, I and many others do not get the chance to escape triggering content that our own mind creates.
So read ahead with your best judgement or at least skip around the squicky parts and educate yourself on what OCD is so people quite using it as a Obsessive Christmas/Corgi/Cat Disorder thing. Alright? Cool beans.
Okay so you made it passed post 1 and got under the read more. Give yourself a gold star for diving into this monster of a document.
Below is a crash course it is not meant to replace actual psychoeducation, personal research, or google. Honestly most of us do our research extensively but because OCD is treated so horribly by social media, media, and society in general.
I wasn’t sure where to throw these together because the education tools to learn fully about OCD are very specialized and thus very restricted. I found that many people DO have these experiences with OCD though so I will represent them throughout. I’ll also sprinkle some of my own experiences so you can get a good reference of a person who has the disorder and not just a randomly generated person.
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So OCD is made up of Obsessions, Trigger, Intrusive thought, Misinterpretation/feared consequence,Somatic and Psychological Anxiety, and Compulsions/Rituals.
Your character may not be able to list all of these. In fact if they aren't in ERP therapy they may not be able to puzzle these things out. But YOU as the writer should know them. Your character won’t be walking around talking to just ANYONE that they have OCD. Remember a huge aspect of OCD is it’s Shame. The disorder makes us feel intense shame regarding our intrusive thoughts, as a result OCD goes undiagnosed for years especially if it has pediatric onset.
We won’t tell anyone what we are experiencing or why we are doing x y or z. We act like nothing is wrong because to emotionally react is to admit to yourself- and therefore the world- that you have had this intrusive thought and are therefore by virtue a horrible person.[For further information I would suggest also researching PANDAS].
It may be noticeable if your character has an intrusive thought. They may wince or grimace or roll their eyes certainly, but they won’t open up to Joe at the cafe about how their brain is constantly torturing them. I apparently have a very noticeable eye twitch.
Depending on the nature of the intrusive thought it will get more or less of a reaction out of me. Its usually dependent on how distressing the intrusive thought is and/or if its a new one.
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You see OCD doesn’t sit still. It never looks the same. You’ll have your long haul intrusive thoughts that are with you for years but then you’ll have weird ass ones that just appear and demand their voice be heard yelling about cars hitting people or squirrels getting eaten.
Some people have similar ones! So while everyone is different there will always be someone out there with an intrusive thought similar to yours.
For instance; I bonded emotionally with a lady on reddit because we both have intrusive thoughts during storms that animals and the homeless are dying. We were both horribly relieved to find another person and also distressed that every snow or rain storm brings horrible images and whispers to your mind that while you are warm and snug in bed someone is freezing to death. And its all your fault.
Some days are better than others. As with all mental illnesses it isn’t CONSTANT ALARM BELLS. Some days it will be all alarms and other days it will be like a gentle whisper on the breeze. You can almost not notice it. Almost.
Obsessive thoughts run the gauntlet from ‘i will/could have/may/may accidentally harm etc’ something that you hold of value. This is any obsessive thought that you have: you think about repeatedly and not by choice, it is very anxiety provoking, it is unwanted, and unwelcome.
Mine run the scale from ‘squirrel will be murdered’ to ‘being responsible for harm’.
Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. In short, compulsions and rituals are not fun. they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder.
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To emphasize from post 1: magical thinking and the faulty link between thoughts and actions are hallmarks of OCD. Magical thinking can be anything from contamination to if I turn around three times or stare really hard at something the bad thing wont happen. Sounds weird and is weird and we know it is thats why its a disorder and not a delusion.
The faulty belief that thought=action is the biggest hurdle it is incredibly difficult to grasp, at least for me maybe some of you that have done further ERP can attest, that the mere concept of a thought not being the same as an action is completely and totally mind blowing.
Free will? Yeah thats terrifying. IDK about anyone else but free will is absolutely terrifying; what do you mean i could do anything i wanted?
Thats how you face OCD(WITH A TRAINED THERAPIST). You give in to ambiguity and the unknown. Its breaking that link between thought and action. Its incredibly difficult and draining. A five minute exposure leaves me in shatters for a week and two five minute ones had me ripping my nails past the nail beds with anxiety.
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Just a reminder: Do not have your character expose themself or expose folks with OCD to a trigger to “ help us get over with”. That is literally forcing someone with a mental illness into a break down and is not helpful. In fact its worse because a person knows about this intrusive thought and they tried to make it real. More shame and some trauma.
If you have OCD, more likely than not a family member or significant other has tried this with the purest of intentions. But it never works like that. Theres a reason that therapists get special training for this. If people want a post on ERP I can make one at some point.
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Actually let’s drag me with the squirrel thing as the example- fellow OCD Folks get out a pen and paper and try breaking down one of yours;
Obsession:Squirrel will be murdered
Trigger: seeing a squirrel
Intrusive thought: Graphic images of a squirrel being murdered by a hawk/ impaling depending on the day
Misinterpretation/feared consequence: Squirrel will be killed and its all my fault
Somatic and Psychological Anxiety:intense anxiety, palms sweating, heart racing,
Compulsions/Rituals: Must stare at the squirrel to prevent bad things from happening,
Now imagine if that is every time you see a fucking squirrel. You have somehow become completely and totally transfixed on a squirrel and nothing is going to pull your attention away or the squirrel dies- which your mind is giving you lovely images of btw.
Cute right?
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Below are the subtypes with general information/example thoughts/ and how some of these have impacted me socially because apparently some people dont understand that mental illnesses impact their social lives?? yall...
Social: This can range from ‘ i am constantly thinking i did something wrong so i have to ask for reassurance that we are still friends’ to completely unrealistic worries. Maybe its an intrusive thought that ‘ your voice is annoying them’ . There’s reassurance seeking, internal and external checking.
It makes friendships extremely difficult and exhausting. You’re not trying to get to know someone with an annoying frat boy egging on anxiety in your brain. This can also manifest as having strict rules for yourself and ethical codes.
My therapist likes to say she could give us (folks with OCD) a pile of hundred dollar bills and come back and they’d all be returned. Because OCD makes you so strict and morally confined. Which ISNT fun. Like I dont get pleasure over having to memorize the entire Code of Conduct!
Social Media: Its the bane of human existence some days and a lifeline the next. But what if everytime your follower count was an odd/even number it sent you into a panic attack. What if you spent all your time with intrusive thoughts that somehow someone misinterpreted a post or that someone is going to be harmed by a post you made about tapirs.
You may be forced to block people to get your number down or keep pornbots on your blog to keep your number what you like (see there is a use for them! We sacrifice those before actual users!) You may be refreshing your page every second because ‘what if you miss a message’. It's going to look a lot like ‘check check check check reassure yourself double check your posts check check check reassure check check FALSE MEMORY check your post etc’
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Clothing/Body Image: When its not Body Dysmorphia it can be OCD. Sometimes this looks like I obsess about a body part and therefore I choose my clothes/hairstyles to hide those. Some personal examples: as a kid I was sure that mind readers exist ( THIS IS AN OCD THING TOO I was so relieved to find that out) and that if i didnt wear a particular hat they would see all these horrible thoughts and it would be revealed what an awful person I was. So I wore the same dumb ass bucket hat for a year (or more I cannot remember but it was a long ass time).
I was once so fixated on being given a compliment on my eye color that I wore sunglasses (even at night) to a summer camp. And if any of those teen girls in that cabin that stood up and mocked me in a crowded lunch hall by singing ‘i wear my sunglasses at night’ you all owe me 40$.
Even younger still I had intrusive thoughts. Like say, if anyone noticed I was female that i would be kidnapped so I chopped my hair very short. I altered my appearance to be very androgynous and even switched to walking more masculine. Because omg if your hips move someones going to kill you thats just how it works. ( It doesnt help I later figured out I was a lesbian)
Your wardrobe may be impacted by OCD and yes so can your body image.
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Also yes the fear of mind readers is also a thing; i always thought I was somehow faking OCD because yes that is also a…..
Faking: Do you value telling the truth? Do you detest lying ? Boy Howdy do I have some news for you. OCD is going to try and convince you that YOU LIED. Whether it was on a chastity pledge to get a free sandwich or in a conversation you just HAD. This links a lot with false memory OCD.
Another aspect is OCD makes us doubt we have OCD and tries to convince us we have any other diagnosis under the sun and we are obviously faking our OCD.
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Sexual Orientation OCD; It is as it is called. Sexual Orientation OCD is what happens when your brain goes ‘hold on what if you’re not this orientation what if you are THAT’. It doesn’t matter where on the LGBT umbrella you fall you will have OCD trying to convince you otherwise. From compulsive staring at members of the same/opposite gender to compulsively reassuring or checking with yourself to ensure that ‘ no no you are in fact THIS orientation.’
This can range in behavior from binge watching porn, staring compulsively to check that there is OR is NOT attraction,self checking past experiences and memories, analyzing your clothing and your lifestyle in painful and intricate methods.
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False Memory OCD; False memory OCD is basically your brain sitting you in a noir interrogation room, handcuffing you to a chair grilling you. It demands that you did *insert bad thing here*. This can range from anything from something Harm based to pretty much *anything* from other OCD subtypes. Which is quite delightful really.
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Sensorimotor OCD; Sensorimotor OCD is obsessive body responses. These can be ‘ I have to cough really hard and really feel it right in my chest and if I can’t get it right I have to cough until I do’. This can be counting your heartbeats. Trying to check yourself that you in fact have a heart and checking and reassuring that it is still beating. It can be hyper-awareness of swallowing or even swallowing repeatedly. It is anything with selective attention; ie its an automated process but your OCD is forcing you to be aware of it.
Your OCD makes you aware of the sensation of, say, breathing, and then it convinces you that if you stop paying attention to it you will stop breathing. So now you’re horribly aware and focused solely on breathing and breathing alone. It keeps me up most nights with the pounding anxiety fueled by the pressure of ‘if you stop focusing on breathing you will stop breathing completely’ or waiting to feel that last heartbeat in your chest.
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Existential OCD; You ever feel existential ? Existential OCD is like having a very aggressive existential crisis that turns you into NEEDING answers IMMEDIATELY. This can look anything from hours panic scrolling the net to panic inducing anxiety because you don't know what happens after death. The thoughts are like foghorns on a misty sea.
This sounds basic and the only example i can give is as a teeny tiny 7 year old I had a panic attack in bed screaming that ‘ what if im a dinosaur and im asleep and i wake up and my whole family is GONE’.
To be fair I did like dinosaurs a lot.
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Harm OCD; This is pretty self explanatory but I will give more details. Harm OCD is OCD demanding that you will/could/can/may have/might harmed yourself/others/any living creature and that you alone are responsible.
This means anything from getting anxious driving over crosswalks because ‘what if you dont see one and hit someone and its all your fault and you hit someone go back and make sure you havent hit anyone’ to ‘im holding a knife so im going to accidentally stab someone’ to ‘ i didnt see my cat this morning and now im at work and think she must be dead and i am responsible for her demise.’
It can be as simple as ‘if i use a pencil i will stab myself in the eye’ or as complex as ‘ i may accidentally say a slur’/ ‘ i am going to say this horrible thing out loud if i cannot control myself.’ It can also be images of terror or racist/sexist/ableist jokes in your mind that repeat like a broken record.
(Please note from section 1 that this is extremely anxiety provoking and not something you would do. OCD preys on what we respect the most.)
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pOCD; Tumblr listen the fuck up because I am tired of seeing people get called shit on this website for having this mental illness. People who experience pOCD are not pedophiles, they do not get any pleasure or benefit. The thoughts and images are meant to induce harm to the person experiencing them. Children are normally the trigger for this and the resulting images can be very graphic. Again you aren’t attracted to children- thoughts of them getting harmed hurt you so your OCD makes you see them.
Know this so you can advocate for folks with pOCD in real life. Remember we are here. We are suffering and we are terrified of your children.
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Poisoning others/or in your food; Life isn’t medieval anymore but sometimes OCD demands we have a food taster or that we obsessively worry that we may kill someone with our cooking. Personally I struggle with colorblindness so I am constantly fretful over cooking any sort of meat so it’s difficult for me to cook it.
However this also comes as; obsessive horrible thoughts of your cooking kill someone or that you have somehow/accidentally poisoned someone’s food (even if you haven’t touched it or been within a foot of it ) or that someone has poisoned YOUR food even if no one has touched it except you. You’re going to be picking apart your food or unable to eat out at all.
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Emotional Contamination: It’s similar to magical thinking and this terrifying prospect of mind readers. Emotional contamination can manifest as anything from intense worry over somehow gaining someone else’s negative personality traits.
Or that somehow by interacting with any role of someone horrible will make YOU somehow also responsible for the horribleness. There is usually a person or a type of person that is a trigger, but it can also be location based.
This is one subtype where magical thinking and superstition are apparent.
For instance; as a teen if a male was in my space or had physical contact;like shaking hands,giving a high five, being in my room etc. I would have to go around and physically touch all the objects that I perceive they may have also touched as a way to cancel out their presence.
This includes wiping off myself to negate even the touch of family members. It really hurts peoples feelings, my father was especially hurt by this.
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Physical Contamination: This goes beyond physical dirt and grime. Most of us dont have spotless homes because if you’re having a fist fight with your brain everyday cleaning falls by the wayside just like it would for anyone else. Physical contamination holds 2 things: physical contamination obsessions AND compulsive cleaning behaviors/rituals. We believe that a small amount of a contaminate can cover large surfaces.
Oh, and did I mention its not JUST dirt/germs/viruses. The list is expansive but heres a mixed bag of what they can be: sticky substances,dead animals,glitter (FUCKING GLITTER),negative words or language,colors, numbers, surfaces in general, food, people, and activities. There is also a hyper responsibility to protect yourself and others from ‘contamination’.
Strangely there is a magical separation between the contaminated world and the ‘clean’ one. Spaces designated as clean would be a bedroom/bathroom/workspace where you are most active. That space is where the compulsions and intrusive thoughts occur. Its not I MUST CLEAN EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Otherwise I would be working cleaning houses because why the hell not amiright?
A real world example from a colleague would be a young man with physical contamination OCD is struck with such intrusive thoughts about cleaning that they refuse to allow anyone in their room or any animals in their home. But they are not able to even flush the toilet, take out the trash, wash dishes, or do garbage because of their intrusive thoughts.
The most famous would be compulsive hand washing but I feel it is important to also note OTHER aspects of physical contamination because everyone sees the hand scrubbing stereotype.
Other compulsions include intricate rituals, not touching the floor (i played X-treme the floor is lava during college. I couldnt let my feet touch the floor because it was ‘dirty’),excessive showering (2-8+ hour showers guys, 8 hour showers. Thats what we’re talking about.)
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Relationship OCD: This comes as no surprise that yes you will have intrusive thoughts that you are somehow harming/ will harm/ may accidentally harm your significant other. Whether that be by physical or emotional means. It can look like ‘ I may have lied to her about how much I love her’, ‘ i may not actually love her and I may be leading her on’, and ‘ I must be corrupting her’. These can extend to certain physical activities with false memory OCD as a cherry on top. A great finishing garnish to leave you feeling absolutely dismayed and unable to trust your own perception.
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Scrupulosity: Religion! Whatever that may be! Its a thing with OCD. With Scrupulosity obsessive thoughts run all over the board from; you committed a sin and forgot about it you monster to having to pray continuously/ a certain time/ until its right. What is right?Ask OCD that’s the only person who knows.
We are fairly certain my grandfather had OCD because he went to church for every single Catholic Mass. Every single day. Every. Single. Day. That’s not a healthy amount of attendance(I'm calling you out posthumously because I care Robert!). This can also look like: praying a certain amount of times. Praying until you do it ‘right’. Confessing every single potential sin. Cataloguing and dwelling over ‘sinful’ things.
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Symmetry or Just Right OCD: Symmetry OCD is the runner up for ‘most likely recognized on tv shows’ award.
Symmetry OCD convinces you that if *insert thing here* isnt symmetrical or ‘just right’ (a magical position or number of objects that makes 0 logical sense) that something bad will happen.
This can range from the known; rearranging things. But it also looks like buying more objects until you reach the right amount and even throwing out objects if theres ‘too many’.
It can range from ‘the walls are percievably not straight so now i avoid that room at all costs otherwise i will be trapped traveling the edges of the wall with my eyes otherwise it will fall in and murder us ALL.’ to ‘ this historical bust is one inch off to the left and now all i see is visions of it breaking against the ground.’
So that is what I have time for. 9 pages on subtypes and basic information. If you find yourself wanting me information all of this is easily accessible online. So go, be free and dont ever compare people to Monk again. Write Batman and Scott Summers with OCD. Give us ACTUAL representation and not throw away joke lines. We are here. Our suffering isnt funny. We deserve representation too.
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class 1-B and night routines
Monoma: if monoma doesn’t annoy at least 2 people per night he simply will not sleep. Wears the comfiest pyjamas- like a 100% cotton top and plaid pj bottoms and everyones so fuckin jealous. He tells everyone he has a 16 step self-care routine he does every night but he really just brushes his teeth and then sits on his phone for like 2 hours? Ike what do you GET out of lying???
Tetsutetsu: he thinks going to bed after 11pm is criminal. Literally doesn’t understand the cryptidcrew™️ who DONT MF SLEEP. Works out before bed which is 👌🏻👌🏻 OOF. Aw hes the type of friend to make everyone tea and toast and send them asmr videos if they cant sleep i love him. He usually spends his night dancing around with pony and working off all his ENERGY
Kendo: “yall im turning into bed i’m too tired for this shit” “kendo it’s 7pm”
My girl will retire to her room as early as she can (usually with the rest of the girls) and she just RELAXES. Like self-care to the max: paints her nails, watches tv, plans her tomorrow, showers. She’s usually asleep at 10pm and wakes up the next morning full energy I want what she has
Awase: he has the WORST sleep schedule like fr. Literally sits up on tiktok until 3am and he’s just like “oh shit i’m up at 7…” *continues scrolling* like bro GET UR ASS TO BED U HAVE TRAINING AT 6AM. His night routine ain’t anything special- he sleeps in sweats and always keeps his window open (although someone told him about banshees once and now hes lowkey terrified lmao)
Kaibara- the type to fall asleep on the sofa and wake up at 4 in the morning to find tsuburaba in the kitchen eating a full course meal and he just SIGHS and goes up to bed in the worst mood bc why tf are his friends so WEIRD. Likes to watch the stars and edit pictures before he sleeps- its so therapeutic to him and also productive so he’s winning
Rin- he drinks coffee every night after midnight and then goes “oh my fuck shit i just drank coffee why am i like this” like congrats u fuckin dumbass now u ain’t gonna sleep. And he never fuckin learns. Always does his hw at like 11pm, Also stays up way too late binge-watching star wars smh
Tsuburaba: he gets up every night and treats himself to a three-course meal in the kitchen no cap no sound awareness my man will be blending shit full blast at 2 in the morning. Usually falls asleep sitting at the kitchen table and he 👏🏻 needs 👏🏻 a 👏🏻 chiropractor 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻. Also always forgets to do his homework until everyone’s packing up to go to bed and hes like “please,, anyone,, the math?”. Shoda wants to punch him so bad
Ibara: the most well-structured person in the entire building. At 7pm she has her shower, at 8:30pm she goes to pray, at 9:30pm she journals and draws to calm her mind, and at 10pm she meditates until she falls asleep- which is usually 10:20pm.. Everyone wants her self control and independance like damn how does she FUNCTION. Also queen of vegan self-care remedies
Pony: girl is chaotic as fuck it’ll be like 10pm and rin’s like “yo pony can i copy the hw??” And shes like “WHAT HOMEWORK.” . *cue two idiots freaking tf out*. She’s always wearing matching pj sets and fluffy socks and loves sliding around in them like a dork. Dances every night before bed to tire herself out like shes just in the lounge deadass vibing to taylor swift and a new person joins her everytime . people would be dead without her
Kodai: movies every night or she won’t go to class the next morning. Shes always just sitting on her phone w earphones in like she has absoloutely no time to deal with monoma’s shit so she just peaces tf out of existence. Cutest pyjamas ever i love her pyjama queen. The go-to girl for homework she just leaves her bag open, as long as u return it shes cool
Tokage: oh my god shes so CRYPTIC and FOR WHAT. Pranks pranks pranks pranks pranks. everyone hates her for it and she loves it so bad. Like she has the balls to prank kamakiri and that TAKES BALLS LET ME JUST SAY . she’ll just leave her body parts in people’s beds and its SO annoying. They usually just pick up her stray arm and fling it at the wall in revenge then act confused the next morning when she complains abt the bruises
Komori: cryptic as fuck. Does she sleep? Why is she always sitting at the table? What is she doing? . Closes her tabs whenever someone comes into the dining room and just stares at them til they leave again like :)). In the garden every night til she can’t bear the coldness- watches the stars and makes flower crowns and worships the moon i love her
Kuroiro: nighttime is the time he just evaporates like where tf is he like 🙄🙄 reel it in randy from monsters inc . Hiding in the walls and listening to everyones conversations and secrets is his only skill in life . Everyone thinks he doesn’t sleep and just wanders around (he does, he just likes to have an edgy reputation)
Kamakiri- did you hear that?? oh its just kamakiri fistfighting monoma in the hallway again. Fr takes no prisoners he needs his beauty sleep (or idk do bugs sleep lmao??). If you’re in his way while he’s RAMPAGING to his room youre dead bro when i say he takes bedtime routines seriously i MEAN it. He does self-care and tells NOONE but its lowkey cute idk lmao why do i have a crush on a bug lemme call my therapist real quick
Bondo- 9pm. Wind down time. A good book is all my mans needs and he’ll be out for the count in absolutely no time at all. Fukidashi will die jealous and bondo fucking loves it. Milks tf out of it too he’s like YAWN I AM SO TIRED OFF TO BED NOW TO SLEEP PEACEFULLY GOODNIGHT and everyone who WISHES they could sleep as early as that wants him to choke
Manga- king of never having hw done until 1am at the earliest 🤡. He lives on 1 hour sleep most nights and his speech bubble just says “no <3” until like 11am. Its cus of his crippling hyperactivity he’s running the halls at 3am practicing the entire mamma mia choreography ffs fukidashi U HAVE A CAREER AHEAD OF U
Reiko: energy drink addiction 101 if she doesn’t drink monster every night before bed she’s convinced she’ll die. “I sleep all day and party all night” she says, crying over math hw at 2am. Plays music too loud and has LED strobelites on ALL NIGHT. Shes deadass doing witchcraft in the lounge w komori all night during finals week she doesnt give a single fuck x
Shishida: another reader,, mans will finish an entire book in a night by the force of sheer willpower alone. Takes a bath every night and it makes his fur so fluffy and smell like apples smdnwjdnwd. Perfect snuggle buddy for wintertimes (pony LOVES HIM) and he’s that good man who carries tsuburaba to bed when he falls asleep at the kitchen table
Shoda: “please don’t speak to me while im doing my homework im 👌🏻 this close to having a mental breakdown and all it takes is a single poke to reel me over the edge.” Complains all day about being tired then goes to bed at 2am?? Like no shit ofc ur tired bitch . Always up for a deep talk at night he knows EVERYTHING abt EVERYONE and hes so trustworthy hed never tell a soul
Honenuki: he meal preps and does yoga before bed 🤢 like WHO HAS THAT MOTIVATION. Irons and sets his uniform out for the next day before getting his homework FINISHED by 9pm . He’s pretty flexible w what he does at nights it 100% depends on his mood. Usually he’s helping Tokage with pranks or working out w tetsutetsu tho. Used to annoy people who were up doing hw after 11 like “really tsuburaba? You should be ashamed”. Shoda almost DECKED him once for it tho and he was #traumatised and never did it again
#my hero academia#mha#mha headcanons#mha imagines#Class 1-B#bnha#monoma neito#kendo itsuka#tetsutetsu tetsutetsu#awase yousetsu#rin hiryu#sen kaibara#yui kodai#ibara shiozaki#setsuna tokage#pony tsunotori#Reiko Yanagi#Komori Kinoko#kojiro bondo#manga fukidashi#Jurota Shishida#juzo honenuki#Kosei Tsuburaba#nirengeki shoda#Togaru Kamakiri#shihai kuroiro#x reader
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What if there is no grand overarching goal for her life? It’s enough!
I should probably think this way too. you know, when I first read Amended, I was a bit...I dont know what word to use because I don’t want to offend anyone, but Bella’s life really made me uncomfortable, mainly because of how I was raised. Everyone made me believe I should have this grand dream and if I don’t, there’s no use to living. I have friends and family who have been diswoned (this is painful to write) and hated by their loved ones for dropping out of school and having kids out of wedlock. So yeah, I was sweating and so scared when I read Amended because I’ve been conditioned to think that Isabella’s life is probably the worst kind of life and that I would never NEVER want to be in her position.
But you know, as the story progresses, my heart started to feel light. Seriously. I have come to accept things with an open mind. Seriously, Foxymoxy, your story served as an eye opener for me. I have LEARNED a lot of things and within months, I have come to accept that’s it’s okay...that the bad decisions don’t really define you, that there’s...(dare I say) hope.
But anyway, I still have a lot to learn. The first line of this ask that you said, well, I really like it. That’s what I need to learn more! I am currently beating myself because I feel like I am not doing more. I just turned 21, but I feel like I am so farrrr behind. It’s frustrating to see everyone flourishing while I’m still tucked under the wings of my parents. They’re lovely, they give me everything I want but...you know...I want to be free.
This is getting long. I realized I’m dumping my problems here. Hehe. This is just my way of saying that you have helped me a lot. You stories...I love them.
I wrote Amended to challenge some of my own learned beliefs and it means a lot to me if it does that for other people. I think we are told so much about what life *should* look like and what the *right* choices are. i made a lot of choices based on trying to please other people even though they weren’t the things that made me happy. It can be really, really hard to unlearn this idea of the ‘right’ way to live but so important for our own happiness and for our relationships with others! I was totally one of the kids told ‘you have so much potential!!’ and I was supposed to become a lawyer or a doctor or president or something. But... you know what? I’m happy writing my little stories on the internet and sewing for my little shop. It’s not going to save any lives, but it did help me realize that “wanting to help people” is something I want for myself. And probably my life would look very different if I had ‘unlearned’ those things a long time ago, but it’s not too late for my to turn my life towards the things I want.
I would applaud all the things you said but also add: “the bad decisions don’t really define you” --what if those aren’t even bad decisions? What makes something a bad decision? Just because it’s not what someone told you you were supposed to do? Murdering someone is a bad decision. But other than that sort of hurting other people, what makes something a bad decision really boils down to the rules you set for yourself, or let others set for you. It’s up to you to decide if those are actually the rules you want to live by.
The most helpful thing my former therapist did for me was force me to question every thing, every time I said ‘I should do this’ or ‘I need to do that.’ She’d push: says who? who says you have to do that? why? what happens if you don’t? do you actually agree you need to do that? What happens if you do something else?
It really helped me realize how many expectations of my life were things that even well-meaning people had baked into my brain but... just weren’t right for me. EVEN IF IT MAKES THEM UNHAPPY. It can be come so freeing to realize you are doing what is right for YOU, that anyone who judges you for it has their own blocks they need to unlearn (which have nothing to do with you). You only get one life and you deserve to spend it doing the things that will make YOU happy.
I will add, I think a lot of us probably experience this with parents. Parents usually mean well. As a parent I can say, I teach my children all the things I think will give them a good and happy and safe life. But someday they will have to decide which of the things I’ve taught them actually help, and which would hold them back. And it will be my job as their parent to recognize that I love them no matter what guiding star they set for themselves. I think parents get defensive, worrying they’d failed their kids if they take a different life path. Even parents need to grow and if they refuse, it’s up to the individual to decide what they want the boundaries of their relationship with their family to be, as sad as that is.
Sorry sorry I will add one more thing. I find it really inspiring to see the lists of people who didn’t find “their thing” until they were old. And I want to punch in the face everyone who said you have to figure things out in your 20s. No! 20s are when you’re like trying things out, making some dumb choices, pressure testing the rules you were raised with. You’re like barely out of the nest! And probably broke and tired because the world doesn’t look like what you were told it would.
Not happy with what you’re doing for a day job? Who cares what you do for a day job! if you’re “just paying the bills” so you can go home and buy video games or make bath salts or grow a little herb garden, that’s so cool! You never know when you’re going to find something that sparks a passion for you, and it’s never too late. The only problem is if you don’t let yourself try and learn and explore. <3
Sorry thsi was looooong. I’m just so passionate about this kind of thing!
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Stubborn Independence
TITLE: Stubborn Independence
CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: 9/10
AUTHOR: brightsun-and-darkmidnight
ORIGINAL IMAGINE:
Imagine Loki struggling to adjust to someone who is independent and insists on paying for themselves all the time, even if it is a struggle sometimes. They need to do everything on their own. They never ask for help and refuse help. Just imagine Loki really wanting to spoil this person. Imagine how creative he would get to make life easier on this person who has captivated him.
+
Imagine being a talented singer at your local club. Loki comes in one night with Thor and the others (he’d rather be anywhere else but who turns down free drinks?) and gets ensnared in the voice of the beautiful singer on stage. Suddenly, his interest (and arousal) are more than piqued.
+
Imagine getting into a petty fight with Loki, so in retaliation, he puts everything on the top shelf where you can’t reach?
AUTHOR’S NOTES: College AU. Loki is determined to take over Odin’s company. He works hard and has a strict schedule for success. However, with the interference of Thor and the other four, Loki’s plans are often interrupted so they can play matchmaker.
My Ao3: brightsun_and_darkmidnight
~ ~ ENJOY ~ ~
Loki went with Thor to talk to their parents together a few days after.
Odin yelled. “As a family we have images to uphold for the business-and a child in college and not married? Your grades are already bad enough, how do you expect to pass college once this baby is born?!”
Loki tried to step in. “Thor’s grades have improved drastically. Father, Thor IS working hard.”
Odin made a loud abrupt sound to silence everyone.
“You are stripped of any chance to have my company. Get out.”
Frigga spoke calmly as her eyes tried to catch Odin’s. “Let him finish his dinner.”
Thor replied as he stood, “I don’t have an appetite anymore.” He threw his napkin on his plate then left.
Loki sat still as Thor left then looked to his mother who nodded.
Loki stood and excused himself.
Thor was walking up the street and Loki hurried in his car to pick his brother up.
Thor got in with a growl. “That went exactly how I thought it would. That old man is a fool.”
Loki spoke quietly as his hands sweat. “I am going to help you however I can.”
There was a silence as Thor seemed to be thinking.
“I have been thinking about changing my major to science. Jane is a genius and her passion about things keeps me interested to learn. There is a house we were looking into buying.”
“I will help where I can.”
“How about we go get our women and go eat somewhere.”
Loki nodded, “sounds like a wonderful plan.”
They found them sitting with everyone in the common kitchen.
When Loki looked at Sirena she was talking with Jane and then her face lit up once she saw him. Jane got up and went to Thor who embraced her with an arm around her shoulders and a hand to her head in an attempt to shelter her.
Loki was happy to have Sirena in his arms.
She mumbled into his shirt. “You are back early.”
Loki ran his fingers through her hair. “Odin is a quick decision maker…”
Sirena looked up at him as she moved away.
He followed her eyes to Thor and Jane.
Loki was a little surprised to see both of them so happy.
Sirena held Loki’s hand as she looked at him. “Did it go well?”
Loki tore his eyes off the couple to look in Sirena’s eyes. “I didn’t think so…”
Sirena walked him to the kitchen. “Did you eat?”
“Not really.”
There was a meat mixture in a skillet still.
“It’s supposed to be sloppy joe but… I didn’t have enough of the sauce.”
She gave him a plate with a sandwich on it.
“So now you are just eating joe. Ya know, get it? Cuz its not sloppy?”
Loki smiled, “yes i get it. A bit morbid but I get the joke.”
Jane and Thor walked into the kitchen.
Thor had a small smile. “Thank you for keeping this a secret. But now father knows so I am sure he will try hiding it somehow.”
Jane held Thor’s hand as she spoke to Loki and Sirena. “Yes thank you. And thank you Loki for going with Thor. The support means so much to us.”
Sirena nodded. “Anything you need I am here.”
Loki offered a smile. “Same with me. Just let me know.”
Thor sported a huge smile. “How about two of those sandwiches.” Thor looked to Loki with a slight smile… “perhaps some tutoring so I can easily switch my major..?”
Loki grinned. “I can do that.”
Loki made sure Thor was studying hard but with the plan for next semester to change majors did not mean Thor could afford bad grades. He still needed a good GPA.
Sirena would keep a close eye on Jane, especially during the evening hours because that was when Jane experienced the pregnancy sickness.
By the end of the semester everyone knew due to Jane having a bump.
Sirena was in Loki’s arms as they laid in his bed. Both drawing absentmindedly on the other’s bare skin.
Loki asked, “what do you think Sirena.. about kids.”
Sirena hummed. “Well at a later point in time would be fine. I want to finish my schooling, graduate, have a job with teaching music and being a musical therapist. Have a house that has everything a family could ever need.”
Loki kissed her head briefly. “It sounds nice and I agree. I would like to have a few years into working at A.T. as the new owner. Get settled in before starting a family. During that time I was thinking about getting a cat.”
Loki felt Sirena laugh.
“A cat?”
“Yes and we will name it something elegant and amazing.”
“Sounds good. I love you Loki.”
“I love you more.”
Sirena huffed. “I have to write an original song for my class next semester.”
“I am sure it will be great.”
“I never wrote a song before.”
“Do you want me to help you or keep assuring it is going to be amazing?”
Sirena smiled at him. “Both.”
So when next semester arrived Loki helped Sirena write a song. He was a natural poet and came up with the beautiful arrangement of words with Sirena. Then when she practiced the song, repeatedly, Loki felt their efforts really come to life.
Sirena was trying to get Loki to schedule some literature classes as well as art classes.
“Loki you are so good though. -And you love to draw and read. The song you helped me with was beyond amazing!”
Loki’s lips were in a thin line from the constant nagging.
“Sirena I need to hurry and finish with my current degrees so I can take over the company. My dad is not doing well.”
“You could still do it. You love to write.”
“It is a family business, Sirena. Thor has pushed the family away and right now this burden falls to me.”
“Listen to yourself. You said, burden. Even YOU don’t want this.”
Loki shut his mouth…
Sirens started to throw her clothes back on. “You love writing. You LOVE drawing. I see how happy you are when doing that stuff. How you careLESS about the sense of duty that is forced on you.”
“I have a responsibility to my family-”
“Yourself.” Her voice cracked. She cleared her throat… “you only have responsibilities to keep yourself happy.”
Loki scoffed, throwing his pants on. “Happiness never makes money.”
“Have it your way.” She walks away.
Loki goes after her and grabs her arm. “Wait. Where are you going?”
Sirena pulled her arm away as she pointed at Loki. “My future plans do not hold a miserable, bland, and loveless marriage.”
Loki grabbed her hand and plead with her. “I swear it will never be that way!”
Sirena pulled her hand away. “I am going into a field I love because the work fulfils me in a way money never will. I know you searched how much a music therapist makes and probably immediately after how much a writer makes.”
“I don’t understand your point.”
“You need the money. You need a sense of stability in your life. You need to be able to impress everyone with what you have. Loki… people dont love you for what you have. They will truly enjoy you if you chase happiness, not acceptance for something you are not.” Sirena’s eyes watered. “Ever since you found out you are getting the company you are changing into something miserable.”
“Sirena, I have to.”
“Then I have to move on because this will never work.”
#Loki#Lover#Angst#Others#Submitted fic#submission#stubborn independence#brightsun-and-darkmidnight#chapter 9
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Endometriosis Vent and story if you want to read. Just a warning i talk about depression and suicide so please dont read if these are your triggers, esecially if you suffer feom endo. I need to just vent and not to a person but just out there.
I just want to live normally. I know normal is a stupid general word, but i want to wake up normal, meaning without pain. I want to walk without pain. I want to be able to work without pain. The pain and bloodloss makes me so fucking tired and slow. I feel stupid for how slow i move and think.
It affects my relationship with people. I always feel like a burden to people because im always complaining. I complain so fucking much. I know i do. Im always talking about how sick i feel. Im always talking about how much in pain im in. Im doing it now. And some days i just want to tear off my mouth and throw it away because even im tired of hearing myself, much less hearing my own thoughts complain about the pain and the fatigue.
I hate my body and the way i look. I hate that my body used to be amazingly fit and beautiful to me but when it got worse I lost the body I made, I put the hours and sweat and care into maintaining, because I loved myself and cared for myself enough to improve my life. I dont look like me, i dont feel like me, instead I'm broken and horrible to look at. Ive heard others talk about how tired and worn out i look and its so easy for them to tell me "try harder to take care of yourself. Take it easy. Take a break. Relax." As if I havent already done that. As if I haven't taken months off because I cant physically stand up. And on the opposite side, its so easy to say "its probably not that bad. Arent you being a little dramatic. You need to work. I understand you're in pain but you have bills to pay. Maybe you should see a therapist. Why dont you talk to a doctor that can actually help you." There is no help. My help is me and the medicine im prescribed and the hope that eventually one doctor will provide me with surgery that actually helps me more than a month.
People who tell me to just ignore it had me believing i could ignore it for years. My first period sent me to the hospital for days at the age of 10. It was scary and painful and in the end the doctors said i had gas and that i need to stop pretending im jn pain for attention or to at least stop screaming so loud in my fake pain. I realize now that was the start of endo, and wasn't until last year, at the age of 23, that i got the mind to actually seek medical help. Even with a diagnosis I tell myself that im not really in pain, that its all in my head. And then i try to walk and sometimes i cant even sit up in bed.
Yeah im fucking depressed. Yeah ive seen a psychiatrist. Yes ive gotten help. Yeah im occasionally suicidal. And yes, I'm very angry. It doesn't feel fair. Thats a very childish thing to say but it feels so true. I lost jobs over this stupid disease. I used to practice ballet. At the beginning i was beautiful and improving greatly. And then it hit me harder than kt ever did before and instead of improving i saw myself rot and lose my technique, my balance, and the posture I held. It sounds so small but this is whats hit me the hardest. I enjoyed thriving. I enjoyed expressing myself with grace and hard work. And it feels like that was all violently stollen from me. Now I wake up in blood and tears even with medication and the hospitals tell me they cant do anything for me other than give me morphine for a couple houra and then send me on my way.
Im done now, im going to bed or at least im going to try to.
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