so uh

It's Okay to Feel Okay

Ok so recently, specifically a few days ago I had deleted tumblr for a bit to get my mind together. I had wanted to manifest my dream life because I'll be taking senior pics on the 31st and honestly I was fed up with myself with not genuinely applying knowing that I wanted to live a certain way. There was a post that I had seen I can't remember the name right now but I did reblog it, it was "how to make everything sugar spice and everything nice" or something like that. One particular post caught my attention and it the "what if I don't persist" post and it DEFINITELY gave me a reality check, I feel like those who know pretty much everything there is to know about manifestation but aren't genuinely applying it should for sure read that because it definitely knocked sense into me. I had also been reading a lot of posts from @etherealkissed88 also i highly recommended reading her stuff if you ever want a rundown of the law that's quick and straight to the point. Something I noticed I continuously did which is what caused me to always have anxiety when manifesting was focusing on the 3d/my desire being in the 3d on time. So I decided to actually change my perspective and just tell myself since it's done in the 4d I don't have to worry about it not being in the 3d because itll reflect anyway..I've also been adopting the mindset of simply knowing it's finished IN IMAGINATION ONLY!! ...Now, since doing this, for maybe the past few days I haven't felt the need to affirm or visualize or anything, I mean I'd daydream here and there but it's kinda just like "eh I have it anyway so whatever" and let me tell you..as someone who constantly stressed on whether or not I was doing something right and worrying about when it will come and everything else this is the CALMEST and most NONCHALANT I've ever been about manifestation before. Like even now, when I would've tried sabatoging myself saying I HAVE to affirm especially because I do know I am a bit anxious about manifesting my dream life because I definitely want it before my big day which btw I feel like is perfectly fine to acknowledge. But honestly I just don't want to. I don't want to affirm. I don't want to visualize constantly. Because the entire point is that if I say it's already done in imagination and I see that I'm living my dream life in imagination truly there's nothing else for me to do but continuously choose that I'm living my dream life already. Something else that's had me feeling this way is when @etherealkissed88 mentioned that we aren't trying to convince ourselves we have it in the 3d..to be that way is being delusional, we're only accepting that it's already done in IMAGINATION aka the 4d. Since taking this into consideration I've been scarily calm,normally I would've been stressed and spiraling and even now when I "waver" when I see myself in the mirror it's just like a "eh whatever..nothing I do in the 3d affects my manifestation anyway so it doesn't matter" kind of feeling. And I just want anyone who is also experiencing this feeling where you feel as though you just don't want to do anything for your desire and it's just like a "eh whatever I have it in imagination anyway" kind of feeling IT. IS. OK and you are doing just fine. The whole point is the first place is making your desire feel NATURAL to you and if you feeling natural is you not really feeling anything and it's just a "oh it's done" then you are doing just fine if you have the feeling as if you "don't want your desire anymore" that's also fine, I can guarantee if your desire was fulfilled would you still feel like you wanted it or be stressed? I doubt it..just as the example is, I have a phone, I know I have a phone. Even if my phone wasn't in my hand right now I still know I have a phone. That is the feeling, that is the acceptance. Even if it isn't right there in front of you, you already have it because you accepted that you do.

“ are you going to kiss me again, or do i have to do it myself? “ // bowen x vince

this night like any other night before this one for the past few months had been extraordinary at best. he could almost use the word magical, but he never really liked using other world aspects to describe real feelings because he had to believe this was real and it was happening to him. vince had given up most of his hope of success for his career so this was living in his wildest imagination. sometimes he would still wish for someone to pinch him or drop a bucket of cold water on his head so he could wake up and start facing reality again. this is reality, he would often remind himself. this is reality and it's time to live it all, to its fullest. which means not holding back your feelings anymore 'cause apparently luck is on his side and he is going to cherish it in order of it never letting him go.

he often pops up the question on his mind — while he is getting ready in the morning and then sits up for breakfast in the hotel or gets to the studio on time and waits for the other to arrive — he gets one look at him and thinks if luck is not a superstition but instead a person. could it be him who's been missing in his life this entire time? not just for making this band a real thing, for putting them on every radio, creating a chance for every possible award but for also making his heart alive. the blood in his veins pulsates insanely whenever he gets this feeling as if he is the most brilliant person in that room. he feels his heart race beating along the instrumental of each song, earning for it. this urge to live this dream with him, to make him see the starts that he sees whenever his vision goes blurry when he can finally touch him that night and kiss every surface of his skin that is just as hot as his own. no one has ever craved for someone as much as vince does bowen every night, every morning, and every moment they are together.

tonight after another glorious performance in a foreign city with the certainty that they were made for that state and for those crowds, at least they are almost in their hotel suites for a due rest. although that's pretty much the last damn thing on their minds. they couldn't keep their hands off each other ever since they got off stage, bowen put his finger in the hem of the jeans just slightly to push him towards him which sent vince in a spiral. they still had to take pictures for social media, talk to some famous locals who came to their show, and survive the twenty-minute ride from the venue to the hotel but they made it in one piece, and once they finally had no more eyes on them in the elevator they gave up all decorum and anguish — not that they ever have much. vince wanted to make a run for it, grab his hand, and push him towards his suite without thinking twice. however, he did. his hesitation in doing so didn't go unnoticed by bowen and thank god it didn't because he wasn't ready to spend the night alone. "you know much better than to beg for me to kiss you." vince had his eyes closed when he said that, yet he could still picture every detail from bowen's face and also the expression he would make when he opened his eyes again. this was part of their proximity, knowing so well each other's do's and don't's, it was almost engraved on his mind like a tattoo. bowen was unforgettable if only he knew — if only vince could show him.

he was drenched in so much affection with an air that again felt almost mystical. swearing he didn't touch any alcohol that night, not like on the first night he kissed him, but it always felt as though bowen's presence made him drunk and out of touch with reality. maybe that's why they made so much good music together, they wanted that excitement to be perceived by their listeners thinking perhaps they would be just as lucky as they were. with his confidence back and his core irregularly beating up his soul, he opened his eyes again to find that exact expression he had already projected on bowen's face — a smile, mischievous and devious just as he intended to be. the elevator opened at the same time as he grabbed vince's pulse out of there and instead of making that run for it, he walked them slowly out of it with a newfound trust in his senses. then he grabbed his waist back when he tried to bolt for the door of his suite and forced his attention on his lips without needing to close it with his yet. "whenever you want, yeah. you should do it. kiss me yourself, kiss me anywhere, everywhere, all the time. fuck it, just do it." and then he breathed him in, his glamorous scent and diamond eyes but without doing what vince wanted him most because that was his to take it whenever he wanted and right now seemed as if they wanted more than ever.

AITA for abandoning my friend?

Around the beginning of this year, I joined a Discord server that was run by one person, D. D's partner(?), P, was also in the server. It very quickly became apparent to me that P did not like me, despite my attempts to be friendly, and at one point P even left the server for reasons I suspect had something to do with me. Despite this, D and I quickly became friends, and I genuinely enjoyed talking to him and spending time with him. I assumed it was fine even if P didn't like me, because I wasn't interested in D romantically and wasn't trying to cause problems for them; I just liked hanging out with D as a friend.

Things were fine for a few months, but there ended up being a minor argument in the server that spiraled a bit out of control, with most people in the server ending up split between supporting me and my friends, or P and his friends. I advised D to close the channel to stop the argument, and apologized to him in private once it was over, asked if there was anything I could do to help, etc. I still don't think I was in the wrong in this argument, but it was really over such a minor thing that I was trying to just deescalate and move on.

For about a week or so, everything was fine, but then D suddenly kicked me from the server without warning, and when I messaged him to ask what happened, he told me that what I'd said during the argument (now a week prior) was transphobic and he didn't want to be friends with a transphobe. I asked for an explanation of what I'd said that was transphobic, but he didn't answer, and kept insisting we couldn't be friends. So, I told him that I'd back off and leave him alone for now, but that I'd still be here if he changed his mind some day.

I already suspected by that point that P had something to do with him suddenly changing his mind, and a mutual friend, K, later confirmed that they also suspected P was being toxic and controlling based on their conversations with D. D had already cut me off by this point, so there wasn't much I could do; I just told K the same thing, that I still cared about D and wanted the best for him, but I wasn't going to reach out.

Fast forward a few months. After a death in the family and a subsequent struggle with grief and depression, I wasn't doing so great anymore. It was at this point that D reappeared, messaging my Tumblr to tell me, essentially, that he was still alive but not doing well, that he was sorry for how he'd treated me before, and that we still couldn't be friends, because P didn't like me. I'd told him before that I would still be his friend if he wanted me to, but now he wanted me to listen to him talk about what had gone wrong in his life when he was just going to vanish again after. I told him that I would happily listen and support him as a friend, but that if we're not friends and he's not going to stick around, then I don't have the energy to help him and also take care of myself. So, he left again, and I haven't heard from him since.

I've been worried about him since we last talked; I know that he's depressed, and I know what it's like to deal with an abusive partner, as I've had a few of them in the past. I want to be able to help him, but I don't know if he'll let me, and I know that if we have a major falling out again like we did before, it'll be a lot harder for me to recover now. AITA for putting myself first?

What are these acronyms?

I love seeing people compare music to their favourite characters and go like 'oh yeah this verse might be this character... and then this one is the other one... and then this little bit here is them both honestly. Or something like that' because I HAVE gone through every taylor swift song on evermore and folklore and compared it to skk. Sorry to be autistic on the writing account, but this is a fanfic writing account and I'm writing my second novel length fic about them so what did you expect.

folklore/evermore are very canon skk, and verge into fanon and some songs are the reason for very specific head canons, or some of the ways I write the way they perceive each other. 1989... DON'T GET ME STARTED OMFG HAVE YOU EVER LISTENED TO BLANK SPACE? I THINK IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO NOT HAVE AND OMG IT'S SO SKK CODED LIKE WTF. I HAVE VERY FIRM OPINIONS ABOUT WHICH LYRICS ARE THEIRS. Also the vault tracks literally exist what more do you want from me. 'i think about jumping off of very tall somethings just to see you come running and say the one thing I've been wanting' okay dazai pack it up you did that already, beast exists. 'i call my mom sister she said that it was for the best remind myself the more i gave you'd want me less' yeah yeah chuuya we know he left you get over it, it wasn't personal(think that line could go for either of them but the other line 'the way you faded till i left' feels more Dazai personally). Plus suburban legends. For personal reasons I struggle to listen to song without SPIRALING FUCK YOU THAT ONE PERSON SEHDHSSJNS but very skk as well 'we were born to be national treasures' is very soulmates of them. And out of the woods screams them in fanfic when they try to get better. Red, straight away all too well. They both remember it all too well. All too well skk cover with switching vocals anyone? The last time. The one with gary lightbody. Underrated song, is my favourite on that album, and SO THEM. 'this is the last time you tell me ive got it wrong, this is the last time i wont hurt you anymore' because they're fated to be together and are constantly drawn to each other and yet keep HURTING EACH OTHER RAGH. also 'we are never getting back together' is pretty funny and nice when applied to them. also state of grace. any taylor song with a mild drop of religious imagery is them cause yeah. but 'i never saw you coming, and I'll never be the same'... okay pack it up, we don't have time for your yearning. 'you were never a saint' (dazai abt chuuya) 'and i loved in shades of wrong' (bc hes toxic and doesnt know how to healthily like people) 'we learned to live with the pain, mosaic broken hearts' (bc they continue anyway and stick it out, living with the pain of being bad for each other because of how deeply they care). I almost do. Dazai after leaving. moving on to more religion, holy ground. 'for the first time i had something to lose' 'and i guess we fell apart in the usual way, and the storys got dust on every page' AAAAAA IT'S THEM. Can't really speak on debut- but I've listened to our song and picture to burn and if picture to burn isn't a vengeful chuuya idk what is. BOY OH BOY SPEAK NOW.

excuse me. one moment.

Mine- literally a skk au

Sparks fly- 'the way you move is like a rainstorm and im a house full of cards, you're the kind of reckless that should send me running' that entire verse screams dazai's fascination with corrupted chuuya, and the whole song is well yeah

back to december- dazai when they reunite just trust me on it just trust me on it. the repetition was intentional, that's how serious i am. 'i go back to december all the time' 'I got back to december to make it all right'

speak now- might just be me but it really makes me think of teen skk in fanfic harbouring urges to ruin the others relationship for 'some reason. I don't know, seeing him with her just... irks me'.

the story of us- first verse is chuuya, second verse is dazai, and the third is them both because they're LOSERS and they LOVE EACH OTHER and FUCK I'm CRYING NOW. 'id tell you i miss you but i don't know how' EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED BASTARD.

enchanted- self explanatory. for more context, i really think it's from dazai's pov in this case, could probably be both, but dazai fell first and harder so it's really like god he's been in love ever since he got kicked into that wall he wants him around forever. He held Chuuya's hand in the fight with rimbaud and then had all those close moments in the manga and went home to lie on his bed kicking his feet and giggling don't lie. (god im still crying this isn't helping)

better than revenge- they're both pretty vengeful idk it makes me think of iwsynttr for some reason

haunted- chuuya pov. 'i thought i had you figured out, something's gone terribly wrong' 'stood there and watched you walk away from everything we had' they're so sad, but the general idea of chuuya thinking he has figured out dazai and knowing how he thinks and then dazai just leaves suddenly and he's like 'Wow! I thought i knew you. How do i forget this'. 'wont finish what you started' bringing chuuya into the mafia then leaving it.

last kiss- 'you told me you love me so why did you go away' chuuya pov again oh god it hurts why am i doing this to myself? 'never imagined we'd end like this, your name, forever the name on my lips' yep yep ow.

LONG LIVE.- LISTEN. TO. THE. SONG. AND TELL ME IT'S NOT DAZAI AND CHUUYA. I COULD DO A WHOLE ANALYSIS ON JUST THIS SONG. 'promise me this, that you'll stand by me forever, but if god forbid fate should step in, and force us into a goodbye...please tell them my name, tell them how the crowds went wild, tell them how i hope they shine, long live the walls we crashed through, i had the time of my life with you' FUCK IT'S DAZAI AN HE'S IN LOVE WITH CHUUYA AND DOESNT KNOW ODAS GONNA DIE YET, JUST THINKS HE DOESNT GET TO KEEP ANYTHING HE WANTS. FUUUUUCK. THEY'RE IN LOVE AND DAZAI WANTS IT REMEMBERED PLEASE I'M SO SAD.

anyway, i can't pretend I'm normal about skk anymore i haven't even covered fearless, reputation, lover or midnights please somebody encourage me to actually write full things dedicated to each album and the most fitting songs from said albums please i'll do it and plus i need to actually gather proof for my autism diagnosis appointment so this would be a good way to to that probably. anyway yeah this'll never make it out my drafts lol

*click*

"Hmm I wonder if people can still hear me when I pick it up for myself"

"um... hello? This is, Frank Frankly. I just wanted to share some observations and clues we found. Hopefully if you're hearing this, anyone out there can help us?"

"ahem... well, anyway, we kept going to that park but looks like wherever that black liquid trails to is lost, we also noticed that it caused the grass to decay, that is hopefully holding some importance."

"Asking around, it appears no one could see the connections between Wally from Welcome Home and Wally from that gameshow. It's weird how Wally can't be recognised as both but instead as two different beings. Recently me and Barnaby found the couple we first met in the beginning of our search, um... the ones who gave us money, though it was only the wife we met. All we did is catch up and inform each other on our lives and updates on searching Wally. That was a few days ago, but only today I realised that she out of everyone we asked around, was able to identify Wally Darling as the gameshow host. I hope I can find her again one day"

"...*sigh*... not only is everything weird out there, it is also weird in our new home. I am grateful we're given this home big enough for the six of us. But I really miss our old life. Despite it being a lie, it would've been nice to reassure Poppy again, or get irritated by Barnaby, or also play a game with Julie but she's focused on helping Sally, or anyone in this house, cheer up. I even offered her money to go have some ice cream with Sally"

"Eddie is... well, I'm assuming you know Eddie since you somehow do, but as I was saying, Eddie seems okay? As long as I'm still with him, I'm okay"

"oh right the investigation, um..."

"This is probably not related at all... just concerning... but I think everyone here is hiding something. It's odd, but I noticed small hints on their face expressing discomfort, fear, maybe even desperation. I know things are bad but, something is off. Why are my friends acting this way? How did that mirror broke? Sally doesn't look harmed but she looked so shaken. Julie is doing way too much to make sure we stick together and not spiral down. Why is Barnaby even out at night? He just comes home tired and he looks so distressed about something. I don't know what Howdy could think of this because it looks like he stopped caring. I only have Eddie left but he can't even remember who Wally is and I don't want to ruin this only chance of happiness in here... That's why I'm talking to you in the first place. I don't know what's going on anymore..."

"I do hope you can hear me. Don't tell the others I said that last part"

*click*

Hi, I’m new in this tag kinda and new to meta-writing overall, but not only is the August brain rot really strong but one particular part of his entire character has been on my mind for a whole weekend. Please take this as mostly an offering of very spilled thoughts cause I couldn't keep them to myself anymore, LMAO. Particularly the thing that's on my brain is his guilt

I would also like to make note of and thank @ lizardthelizard And her glorious set of tags here for setting off my spiral tonight and also when she first sent them because my goodness this is truly an eye-opener. Thank you, buddy 💖

Gosh though, August’s guilt and self-criticism of himself and his actions is something that really fascinates me personally, and just thinking of it being the cause of what turns him back to wood is both mind-blowing but it just makes so much sense. He may be real because of magic but who’s to say it’s just the magical conditions that are holding him back and not the high as heck expectations that he feels were set for him and he set up for himself.

When it feels like you can't mess up sometimes it can feel like you're stuck in place Or that your screw ups means you can't change, that you're not good, that maybe you don't deserve to be considered good and that your various flaws are all that others would see you FOR!!

Maybe it's different to anxiety but idk it’s what caught my attention about him even more than what his character already offered up in s1!

He was given this like 

Idea that he needs to be "Brave" and "Truthful" and "Selfless" all the time or else he cannot be human 

Does it work like that? no, there's no human on EARTH that's all three of those things all the time, we've all had moments of weakness and gave in 

But what does he know? Most of his life he spent on his own and as a puppet, he was expected to understand the ways of being a human and GOODNESS knows how short a time he was with his dad before he was THRUST into a world and forced once again to stand on his own two feet and expected to just, you know, know how to act once again 

He's followed by expectations that he finds himself struggling to meet because he doesn't know what the limit is or how to meet them, and sometimes if not all of the times the temptations are just better and easier 

And it's expected!!!

He stepped into TLWM as a child with no idea of what he’s getting into with no prior knowledge, no adult, no nothing.

But omg, he drags himself down so much about it because he can’t meet those expectations the way he would want to and because of that because literally who did he have to tell him that it's all okay? That you can make mistakes and move on from them? That you can make up for your mistakes and forgive yourself for them?

Did he have anyone at all? Cause The show sure didn't show him having anyone

We see one woman in Thailand but even after he discovers he's turning into wood she's no longer around, so like she's probably about as fleeting of a relationship as anything else

Imagine going 28 years at first ignoring all your problems and then the horror and thoughts that you’re not good enough catch up to you one morning and the more you see yourself a failure, the more you sink into that spiral the harder it feels to breathe.

trying to articulate some of my kazuto/kirito thoughts and my mind keeps getting stuck on this one quote - it isn’t from sao, it’s from john mulaney (yes, i am aware, stay with me for a moment please)

It's strange sometimes, you know, like I'm doing great. But when I'm alone, I'm with the person that tried to kill me. Sometimes I walk past a mirror, I'm like, 'Oh great, this fucking guy again. Jesus.' That is kind of a creepy feeling sometimes, but it's also a nice feeling. It gives me a strange kind of confidence sometimes. 'Cause, like, look, I... I used to care what everyone thought about me... so much. It was all I cared about. All I cared about was what other people thought of me. And I don't anymore. And I don't because I can honestly say: What is someone going to do to me that's worse than what I would do to myself? What, are you going to cancel John Mulaney? I'll kill him. I almost did.

and i just really can’t stop going back to that quote, because it’s such a bone-chilling and somber thought. “when i’m alone, i’m with the person who tried to kill me.” idk, it just reminded me of kazuto a lot, especially with the way people seem to perceive him as an arrogant, self-centred, egotistical hero who thinks of himself as a god - we have characters like that in sao, none of them are kazuto.

while i was joking with one of my friends, i said “none of the sao villains or sao haters will ever hate kazuto more than kazuto hates kazuto” and i think i unintentionally summarised a great deal of his character with that. it isn’t just kazuto hating kazuto, though, it’s kazuto hating kirito and pitying kazuto.

several times through the series, we see kazuto believe he can beat a system just through his sheer willpower and belief that he deserves to - aincrad, fairy dance, alicization, etc - and in every case, we see the aftermath of that, where he scolds himself for being narcissistic and believing he could surpass a system just because he wanted to like a spoilt child. he falls into spirals of self-deprecation and self-loathing, often blaming himself for not only his own mistakes, but also the things he had no control over that he feels like he should have prevented - asuna, eugeo, sachi, etc.

avoiding spoilers, unital ring sees kazuto explore those feelings and thought patterns even more. we see him questioning his own identity and worth again, and once again he’s losing himself to wondering a million what-if’s, despite being altogether content with his life.

i really don’t know where else i meant to take this (it’s 11pm and my brain isn’t cooperating), but i’m so genuinely excited to see how this develops and to see how kazuto recovers from his attempt in alicization. he is suffering under the weight of so much self-inflicted punishment and i hope that this arc sees him be free of at least some of it <3

Could you say more, ifyou want, about how it feels better to be over your Shameless hyperfixation?

I have been thinking for months that it might greatly improve my mental health if I could get over my Shameless and Gallavich hyperfixation because sometimes it brings me joy but sometimes it causes me to spiral downward.

of course! this got long winded because of who i am as a person so my thoughts are under the cut 💛

first of all, i don't want anyone to think that my opinion on fandom has changed whatsoever. i still think fandom is beautiful and transformative and inspiring and all the lovely superlatives. this is not me talking down about fandom at all, this is just me talking about my personal experience. i will definitely continue to engage with fandom in varying capacities as i have since i was 14 years old. that won't change. i think the main difference is that i no longer feel consumed by the show. it used to be that i would plans my days around fandom activities, think about the show/characters constantly, and spend (i shit you not) 90% of my free time engaging and creating. but it just isn't like that anymore.

i didn't necessarily do anything to make this happen, it just did. but there were definitely catalysts. for example, a lot of the shameless content we consume and engage with is pursuant to ian's bipolar storyline which, to me, is very personal and intense. being bipolar myself, it became very difficult to be constantly surrounded by content about my disease - especially when so much of that content was full of really bad takes or insensitive jokes that hurt me on a very deep, personal level. i realized that if i were to embrace my waning interest fully, to step back and give myself some space, i wouldn't be inundated with that kind of hurt anymore. i wouldn't spiral like i had been and instead i could focus that energy onto maintaining my own mental health and wellbeing. so that's what i did. and it WORKED. so because of that, i feel better.

i also feel better because now i have more time and energy to engage with new and different things. for so long, shameless was one of the only shows i watched. shameless fic was one of the only things i read. shameless gifs and metas were almost exclusively the only things i posted and shared around these parts (which made sense, me being a fandom blog and all). yet somehow, in light of it all, i wasn't enjoying myself anymore. i wasn't engaging because i wanted to engage, i was engaging because i felt a compulsory need to do so. i mean, it had been my entire life for three years, what the fuck else was i supposed to do? so i made the decision to stop, even if it only lasted a week or two. i stopped watching my favorite episodes on repeat. i stopped reading fics and deleted the ones i'd downloaded from my kindle app so as to resist temptation. essentially, i cut myself off cold turkey. then step two, if you will, was to push myself to engage with new content and hobbies, even if only to cleanse my palette. so i read new books and watched new movies and fell down random niche YouTube rabbit holes. and wouldn't you know it, it felt SO GOOD. i discovered new blorbos and watched some delightful films and started doing practical, real-world things like learning to cook and organizing my apartment. i went from feeling flat and one-dimensional, like i was only made up of one basic component, to fully formed and three-dimensional, a well-rounded human being. believe me, and please don't misinterpret what i'm saying here, i am fully aware than 98% of people that engage in fandom activities are fully formed, three-dimensional, well-rounded individuals that can engage with variety of content while maintaining that fandom/life balance. that just wasn't MY reality. still, i managed to break the hyperfixation off at the roots and i feel 5000x better for it. sometimes it's what's necessary to get to a headspace where if you wanted to engage, you could, and you could do it in a healther, more well-balanced way.

i think that if you feel your interest waning even the slightest bit, or if you feel like you're too consumed by it, or if it's not sparking joy anymore, or you're concerned about your mental wellness - take a step back. try engaging with something new and different. ask for recommendations from friends. give that new show everyone is talking about a try. pick up a hobby that's completely removed from media (i've started drawing again) and throw yourself into it entirely. or just sit there! allow yourself to be bored and aimless for a little while! it feels weird but i think it was a necessary thing for me to do. what worked for me and got me to this place definitely won't work for everyone, especially because everyone's levels of engagement and consumption are different, but i think for me it was always an inevitability that this was just a season for me. and a necessity, because i was Not Doing Well near the end of things.

lastly - and if you've made it this far i am genuinely sorry i'm so long-winded and Like This - i love you. i'm sorry that your hyperfixation has you feeling this way. i relate and understand completely and if you ever need someone to talk to about it, you can always come to me for a chat or a vent or even just a different perspective on things. i wish you all the best and i'll be here as a friend and a resource while you figure it all out!

Okay, let's fuckin gooooo!!!

I'm seeing if I can do a blog post every day to try and get myself through more of that wall of awful brain garbage that's been gumming things up inside me. I have a lot of topics I've been wanting to talk about, and stories I've been wanting to record, and, yanno. The only way out is through.

It was my first day off I haven't shared with one of my mates in awhile, so that ended up shaping how I approached the day. I started a bit of a decluttering project, since we do have a lot of stuff with no homes right now. I'm not willing to mess with my mates' stuff, but in the two years since moving all the way out here my hyper pared-down stuff has grown, and I was definitely due for some re-organizing and looking it all over for stuff I don't want or need anymore. A big part of the project today was breaking down the variety of little caches I'd developed in a few spots in the apartment and keeping like things together, especially toys and art supplies. I have some big traditional media projects I've been gearing up for, and the more ready things are to get started, the more convenient I make my setups to hit the ground running, the more likely I am to actually do them.

Talking about that stuff was supposed to help me ease into writing about one of the more emotionally charged things I've been meaning to write about, ^_^;; but if I segue into talking about Otherkin stuff from decluttering, the post's kinda gonna feel uneven to me. So, okay, let's talk about, as I have it in my notes:

The Time I Drove Across the Country 3 Times to Save My Life

I feel guilty about looking at it as anything but a tragedy, millions of people died, and who knows how many more were permanently disabled, and so many could have been okay if the people in power hadn't been so eager to throw them to the mercies of an uncaring disease. But, selfishly, COVID saved my life.

My mental health still isn't great. There are always ups and downs, and I've been under a lot of financial stress that's been causing me to spiral in a lot of other ways again. But before COVID it was so, so much worse. I wasn't still living with my abusive parents at the time, but I was working for them, and still beholden to them socially and financially. And I was...loosing resiliency. Going to cons and spending time with my friends wasn't...well, if wasn't enough to offset how the rest of it was wearing on me, dealing with my abusers, doing a job I hated and where I constantly felt like I was failing, and I was losing ground. I'd been suicidal for years and years, and I didn't think I had much fight left in me. I'd also been trying to escape, with interruptions to triage myself to keep functioning, for even longer. I was tired, and I was getting desperate.

COVID bought me more time.

Everything going into shutdown was bad. And let me be perfectly clear, shutting down was the right thing to happen, there were so, so many people who should not have died. But for the first time in ten years, I got some distance from my abusive parents. I didn't have to go into a job and see them all the time, I didn't have to go over to their house and play nice and cow-tow to them every week.

For the first time in so, so long, I got a reprieve.

It was still hard, I missed my friends, and the stress of living under the threat of a pandemic was huge. But I finally started to be able to put myself back together again. Just a little bit. And that made all the difference in the world.

And then, in the heart of all this uncertainty, one of my really, really good friends who I'd fallen out of contact with a few years prior reached out, and we reconnected. We talked, and talked, and one thing led to another, and eventually we started dating.

My parents had eroded most of the COVID protections at my job by this time, having us back working in the office, opening the office to the public, and things were quickly becoming untenable for me again. My friends, in person and long distance, did their best to help. As much as I would let them see how deeply I was struggling.

Then came the Thanksgiving trip.

I'd been very resistant to flying to Florida with my family in the Thanksgiving of a pandemic. But my mom had bartered with me. If I went on this trip, they wouldn't force me into going on the Christmas trip. -_- And how could I say no to a deal like that. Look, I didn't have many options, and again, I was beholden to them. I could only fight so hard. So, I went. And it was worse than I had even expected.

Never masking in a state with abysmal infection numbers, never taking advantage of outside seating at restaurants, eating out for every meal was bad enough. The endless refrain of Fox News and fascistic dogwhistles put me over the edge. I knew they wanted who I really was dead. But...living inside it...I was done. I needed to escape, by any means necessary. My friends were alarmed and rightly so. I redoubled my efforts to find another job as means of escape, and determined I would not do this ever again. I would give myself a deadline to get out.

When my relationship started with my mate, I changed my focus to jobs in the San Jose area. And in February, I finally had an opportunity. Two jobs wanted me to come in and interview, and I'd already blocked out a long weekend for that year's virtual FurSquared con. Instead, I loaded myself and my 16-year-old kidney diseased kitty, and everything I though I couldn't do without in case I decided to simply never come back, and drove the 3,000 miles from Illinois to California in 3 days.

It was ROUGH. I didn't give myself a very reasonable timeline to get there, and driving 10-hour or more days, going from cat-friendly hotel to cat-friendly hotel was A Lot. Giving Zi her subcutaneous fluids in hotel rooms was a wild experience. But eventually, we made it. I met up with my mate, changed clothes and ran out for an interview...^_^;; which I actually missed because I'd taken too long to get there. But spending the night with my mate and their partner, feeling safe with them...they offered to let me stay, and I tearfully admitted that I didn't want to leave.

I almost just stayed. I wanted to, badly. But I still had a house to get out from under, and I needed to go back and sell it. I went to the second interview, where neither of us impressed one another, and drove Zi and myself back, escape plan in gear.

My house was a horrifically cluttered mess when I called the realtor who'd helped me buy it and asked him to help me sell, but he was still generous when he came by to talk with me. The market was good, he told me, and places were getting sold even before they were properly listed. I signed the papers, and started getting to work on paring everything down and packing.

It quickly became clear that storage or moving things or Uhauls would be prohibitively expensive for me, easily over $1,000 for the cheapest options. Since I would be moving without a job set up, and without any form of income when I left, the only reasonable option was to only bring what I could fit in my car, and donate or sell the rest. It was hard, emotional work, and I had to make a lot of hard decisions (and a lot of use of Facebook Marketplace for the first time), but I made it happen, and by mid April, I finally left.

I had a celebratory going away party the night before leaving, where we drank and had fun, and enjoyed one another's company. And then my friends came and helped me with the last of the junk I hadn't managed to get through the next morning. They held me while I had a panic attack over telling my parents I was leaving, and helped me to be able to go.

In the end, the people who really knew me, who really loved me, saved me.

Finally, I headed out with Zi, deciding to drive...less stupid hours this time. I limited myself to 8 hour driving days, and just did a few more days. Memorably, one morning when I was trying to get us out the door and checked out, I couldn't find Zi. I searched that hotel room for my kitty for a good half hour before I finally found her--she'd somehow managed to open a drawer, climb inside, and shut herself in!

I'd expected to feel freed, relieved. I'd expected to feel a weight off myself immediately. But mostly, what I'd felt at first was numb grief. I was so tired. I was glad to be going, excited to be with people I loved. But I still felt bad. Everything they would have thought of the situation echoed in my mind, and it hurt. I knew I was right to go. I knew there was no way they'd ever stop hurting me. I knew I needed to get away. But their words, of how selfish I was, echoed inside me.

It's still hard sometimes. Abuse echoes still. But I'm so, so fucking relieved to be out. And so, so fucking grateful to be with my partners.

Anya Jenkins + Being like a moth to a flame (Self-destructive)

No you don't understand, I'm actually making myself sick thinking about Anya Jenkins' character arc. LISTEN so many of us love Faith and we talk about how self-destructive Faith is but I haven't seen anyone talk about Anya's self-destructive path yet. In s3 she's SO UPSET that she's lost her powers. She loses them in The Wish (3x09) and then in Doppelgangland (3x16) she's STILL begging for her powers back. D'Hoffryn tells her "Do not ask again." so I assume she's spent every episode between this one desperately asking to get her powers back. And all throughout this episode she maintains that she'll get them back for herself if D'Hoffyrn won't help. Then when we see her in The Prom (3x20) she's not looking for her powers anymore. I mean, outwardly she's claiming that she's trying to get them back, but her actions show otherwise. She's continuing to go to school. She's looking for a date to the prom. It seems she's resigning herself to mortal life again, and trying to acclimate.

But I think her interest in Xander is more than that if you look deeper. For 1,000 years Anya brought death and destruction and vengeance upon the men she witnessed hurt women. Her very last (failed) mission, the entire reason she came to Sunnydale, was to enact vengeance on Xander for Cordelia. Anya's attraction to Xander isn't random and it isn't just because he's a main character in this show we're all watching. She's just lost everything about who she is, everything she's believed in and done and worked for. I honestly don't think this is about Anya getting a crush because she's suddenly experiencing teenage feelings again the way the show seems to want us to think it is based on the dialogue (3x21 Graduation Day Part 1). Or at least, if that's part of it, that's not all this is. (The show dialogue also tells us for 4 seasons that Anya is "like this" because she's "newly human" but then we learn in 7x05 Selfless that Anya's always been like this.) So I don't think this is about Anya liking Xander. I think she's self-destructing. Anya's too smart, too protective of herself and her own well-being when she wants to be, and she's seen too much of men's wrongdoing for me to accept this was accidental or unintentional or the result of a tiny crush.

She's spiraling, hurting. She's drawn to him like a moth to a flame. Out of every guy in Sunnydale, from Anya's pov, this is the ONE GUY guaranteed to hurt her, the ONE GUY in Sunnydale she knows for a fact "deserved" vengeance enacted against him (based on everything Anya and Vengeance Demons believe in) ...and SHE GOES STRAIGHT TOWARD HIM.

And then she catches feelings. Despite herself, despite Anya canonically admitting that she was just planning to use and lose Xander (6x18 Entropy) she falls in love with him. And with that, she starts to actually gain other things in her life. Other reasons to stop self-destructing. Anya gets a job and she loves it! "I'm a working gal!" she says. "I have a place in the world now." (5x06 Family). She develops hobbies and interests. She loves the fact that she's an American now. She's obsessed with capitalism. She's a member of the Scooby gang. And she starts making other changes as well. Anya says, "I mean, I for one didn't want to start my day with a slaughter. Which really just goes to show how much I've grown!" (5x08 Shadow) And she's so distraught about losing Joyce. And she misses Buffy when Buffy dies. Despite all the death Anya's caused, she has reasons to view it as horrible now. And she's so in love with Xander. Her entire speech to him in 5x11 Triangle asking him not to leave, the wedding vows she wrote him, she initially pursued Xander at a dark time in her life when she was in a bad headspace and now she's so in love and she's finally SO HAPPY.

And then Xander leaves her at the altar. Anya pursued Xander knowing full well what he could do to her, how severely he could hurt her. She went after Xander not in spite of him being the one man in Sunnydale guaranteed to destroy her, but BECAUSE of it. Anya went after Xander because she had nothing left to lose and she wanted to be hurt, she wanted to keep spiraling further into the path of self-destruction. Only it didn't happen. Through her relationship with Xander, Anya regained a purpose. She regained a will to live. And then he left. She got what she initially wanted, at the exact wrong time: only after she had once again gained things she was scared to lose.

Anya Jenkins, former vengeance demon, wished Xander Harris would hurt her. And she paid dearly for that wish.

Introjects, Sex, and Gender

I'm gonna preface this with the understanding that I'm not a really well spoken guy, and I don't typically talk about this sorta thing. I just wanna get it off my chest, and I know we've got this blog to help others figure shit out too, so.

Hey there -- I'm an introject of a character from a book series, and today, I wanna talk about sex and gender and how that's a goddamn minefield of emotions.

For starters: my source is... okay, so he's not homophobic, let's give him more credit than that. He's fine with gay guys. He's just got some daddy issues, y'know? His dad is gay, and it took him a real long time to come to terms with his dad abandoning his family and career cause of everything.

I came into this system with a lot of that baggage, but suddenly, none of it was true. I was able to start figuring myself out. And myself was now a dude with tits, a vagina, and a libido the size of Texas.

Now, I don't have as much issues with the body as you might think. I look in the mirror and I go, "What a hot chick." That's cause I don't really see this as my body yet -- it's her body, it's the body. Not my body. I've been working on that, but it's hard. Regardless, I've definitely had fun experimenting with my body, even if it don't feel like mine.

What's been less fun has been discovering I'm bisexual, and maybe even some weird gender fuckery?

My partner is AFAB. It's nice, cause that aligns to what I know and, Ill be real, when I first came around, I just kinda saw them as Girl-Lite. I don't anymore, I get their gender now, but I didn't have to confront shit immediately when I met them. But we also have the resident horn dog, Curtis, and his husband, Numb. And, well, Numb instantly fell hard for me. I remind him of Curt a lot.

Issue being, I kinda liked Numb back. And Curtis is a great guy, and I couldn't say I wasn't interested.

Which made me fucking spiral. Hard.

Book-me never felt that way. Book-me never wanted to fuck another dude. SO why did I want to? What was wrong with me?

Secret was, nothing was wrong with me. I ain't him. I ain't from a book. I'm from a traumatized mind who saw this guy, this fantastic guy who could tackle everything, who learned to manage his anger and use it, to stay angry and be angry, and who gives a shit what others say -- that mind saw that guy and said we need him. And so I showed up, an approximation of a character.

Took me a real long time to come to terms with that.

To some degree, this is where source separation comes in. I had to acknowledge that I ain't book-me, and he isn't me. There's a lot of differences between us. I'm autistic, bisexual, and today I've even been real fucked up about gender and stuff. He's strong, sexy, and confident -- things I ain't been feeling lately.

Look, I know there's a lot I gotta learn (and I apologize if any of this is offensive). But it's been hard just getting this far. This far being, today I got fucked outta my mind by Curt, Numb, and my IRL partner, and god was it incredible. And I look back at where I started -- trying to push the other parts away cause ew, no, disgusting, that's not me-- and I realize how much of this ability to be who I am now is because of what I've now pushed aside and grown from.

At some point, y'all introjects out there gotta branch out. Maybe you do align to your source pretty closely, and I wish y'all the best of luck on that one, sounds pretty nice. But you don't get to decide that, not fully, till you start living as yourself. If I didn't let Numb and Curt in (and no, not sexually, but that too), I never woulda grown up a bit and been the guy I am. And the guy I am is gay and shit. Well, Bi, I still like girls, but you get the picture.

Not really sure where I"m going with this now, lol. I think I'll just leave that at that. If anyone relates, hell yeah, but if not, just leave it be as a personal thing I'm dealing with today.

Hi there! I was wondering if there's anything you're happy to share about your original writing? I'd also love to hear about your writing process in general, from first conception through to finished product, and how it varies for you for fic vs original writing. Thanks so much for your time! 🌻🌷

Oh hello new friend :D Thanks for asking!

So I can talk a bit about what's been happening with me lately lol I think it can be important for a lot of us, especially in kind of the climate we're in as creatives right now. And while the story might not seem very happy at first, I am still happy to share so others might not feel alone if they're wandering, too.

Something about my original writing:

So I went to college for Creative Writing. I had started in English Edu, and switched about halfway through for many reasons but suffice to say if I didn't do what I loved, that degree would still be unfinished. My goal was to get into editing, if I could, and eventually write a book. After college, my full time, in-office jobs at first had nothing to do with writing. I was doing things like tech support, sales and data entry until I got into advertising. And I was editing, using my degree, but I was also more using my skills from sales. And here we stumble into something of a burnout problem. I was working so many hours on unrelated nonsense that I simply did not have the energy to stay awake half the time, let alone write. And I was away from the desk for so long that when I returned, I felt couldn't manage a single good thing. I kept trying even during the dumpster fire the last few years has been collectively.

I'll time skip for the sake of the story. The cure for burnout is simply rest, regardless of it's professional/career burnout or creative burnout or a combination of the both of these things. One doesn't always realize this in the middle of the issues, though. So here I was barely writing anything that I'd be willing to share, frowning terribly at the blank page every opportunity and just being down on myself and my work. I wrote a couple flash fiction pieces, and plenty for dnd but I'd kind of lost track of my goal of writing THE BOOK, ya know? So I decided I was done with feeling so, I guess, unmoored about it all and I wanted to return to longform projects without second guessing myself at every turn. And I broke the spiral, because it was a spiral, by returning to fandom and starting my fic.

So my original writing, long story short, is short form for the most part! And I want very much to finish a novel. I'm giving myself the space to practice again with fic and prove to myself what I am capable of. It's a slow process, healing, but I am and it translates back at every step. I don't tie my original works to this screenname but a few of my fic writin' and Skywind writin' friens have read a bit here and there of both my dnd and my original short stories. It feels good to not feel bad about them as loudly anymore and to have people interact in a positive way with what I've done. I lost a bit of that after college, and writers really ought to stick together. It gets lonely and difficult without friends otherwise. (:

Something about my writing process:

I am a planner and a fragment writer! This is a result of my schooling. When I was younger and didn't hear a different way, I would pants the entire story. Now I suppose it's about 85% planning, and 15% finding ways to cause problems on purpose for my characters and running with a scene idea. (and cutting it if it doesn't work, saving it for later of course.) I outline plot points usually and if I have specific details I want to elaborate on, I have in-depth pages for that in the planning docs. I tend to treat my character sheets sorta like dnd without the build stats. Just break down into sections describing how they'll look, and their backstories. I also really enjoy the tumblr asks regarding OCs, too, because a lot of that ends up in my planning docs too, where it hadn't been thought of before. I like to really KNOW my characters and where I want the story to go as I proceed, but again -- sometimes I just cause problems on purpose for them and for myself (: But that's the fun of it. There's room for unmitigated creativity if you let go of all the headspace nonsense whenever possible.

As for fragments -- sometimes scenes come to me out of order or in ideas that don't have a place in my current project. I keep idea docs and an idea notebook on hand almost always and write down stray thoughts either as more of an outline, or just a jotted down piece of a thought -- OR something more. Like a whole in-prose scene. That's what I mean by fragments. I've found, especially lately, considering what I wrote above, that if inspiration strikes, let it distract you from everything whenever you can. Write that shit down and save it for later. (:

The last part of it, of course, is the editing process. I try to fire the editing brain for drafting purposes and then go back in to proofread and then do editing passes two or three times before I post / consider a piece to be finished enough to possibly share. I enjoy that part of the process so much. It's like finishing a good jigsaw puzzle lol. That said it's not always sunshine and rainbows, it can be a brutal difficult process. And I am not always right. It's different looking at editing your own work than others' just due to how close we can be to our own writing. Worth it, though, all the struggle (:

Is it different in my original work than fic?

Nope! I mean I suppose the glaring difference would be I need to spend more time in original with worldbuilding than I do in fic, as fic kind of has a bit of a safety net in that department. That said, there's still plenty of worldbuilding to do, lots of hcs to write about, and lots of planning how the pieces will interact. And asking -- why tell this specific story? (Always the fun part for me.) The process, regardless, still remains the same. Plan, write, cause problems on purpose, plan around those problems, write more and EDIT, EDIT, EDIT. (:

Thank you so much for asking this!! I hope this was insightful!

*queue depressing music playlist*

hey

ever feel scummy? feel like people who are your "friends" don't like you? hate you? and even if they explicitly tell you that you're cool and what not, you think they're lying? same

that feeling never goes away, but i ran into one of my friends at the store today, and i met their dad, and he told me that they talked about me a lot. the way he said it lead me to believe it was positive and deep deep deep deep deep deep deep DEEP down, i thought he was lying. but he sounded so... genuine. he even offered to drive me home, he insisted actually.

it felt nice?

i don't know, emotions are weird.

personally, i think my irrational thinking of how people view me stems from what my mom says about me. she says im rude or mean, and sarcastic, im not fun, blah blah. ive apologized for being mean, because ive asked several of my friends if i was, and most said "kinda" or "it depends"

most of my friends seem... happy to see me? and i still dont understand why. i honestly talk and joke about death or dying (which just happens to be a sign of depression, thank you for teaching me that, school), and sometimes my friends ask, "are you okay?" lying to them feels weird, so i say no with a smile on my face. :)

i dont have therapy, or anybody to talk to about this stuff, cause really, i dont want to and there are bigger problems in the world. if i talked to a parent about therapy, they'd ask why i wanted it, and the last thing i wanna do is talk to them about it.

i dont even know what to do with myself. i cant do anything like work because im too young. the things i like to do aren't fun anymore (which also just happens to be a sign of depression, again, thank you school.) i dont want to do anything actually, besides lay down and die, but dying is the hard part >:/

im ranting, i know im ranting, because i forgot about the point i was trying to make, but idk what else to do. i don't expect this to get any attention, cause like, who cares?

the point i was initially going to make was "people love you" or something, but i clearly abandoned that.

if you dont mind me, im going to lay here and spiral. :3

anyway, if you actually bothered to read this, thanks i guess. hope you have a good day/night. <3

So originally I wanted to see if I could write season three of rottmnt myself...

Based on fandom ideas mostly. There is so many interesting fanfictions and AUs that I thought I could take bits and pieces from the fandom and write a season three.

(I really wanted to participate in the fandom somehow because I was in an apathy spiral at the time of seeing rottmnt and I've never had an obsession for this long. It's the reason my world isn't so monochromatic anymore and I owe it a lot. )

What ended up happening is that I looked at all the fandom ideas and deleted episodes and thought "What if I wrote a 'fandom version' of rottmnt, with a season for each of the turtles?'

Because Mikey could get his own season with more Mikey-centric episodes because a lot of his got cut. Also also he could have a character arc surrounding how he is the most powerful mystic user out of the four. He also has the most powerful and changing emotions, and I can speak from experience in saying that emotions are extremely difficult to control. Plus, if one were to make the first season Mikey-centric then as soon as he figured out that Baron Draxum was 'family' then he would start the whole 'You're actually a good person' thing and Baron Draxum is just annoyed. That could factor into his characterization that he tries to keep everyone together even if it makes him upset. I think I could also include the "the turtles were made to be destruction machines and bring havoc upon humans" because I feel like being told your purpose is to destroy things would hurt a lot, especially to Mikey because his favorite thing is to create. *The possibilities*

Donnie would get season two, and perhaps everyone else (especially Mikey) is using Mystic powers to do all sorts of things - actively replacing his tech. I would place the "Donnie's gifts" episode here instead, with the changes that they don't use his gifts correctly despite all the time he spent on them + replaces them with mystic powers. This sends Donnie down a spiral where he tries to figure out how mystic powers work scientifically - probably how he found the library - and it leads him to consoling in Baron Draxum. Here is where all of the separation AUs play in, because Donnie gets validation from a parental figure + someone he can do science with without being told that it just messes things up. I imagine that this season centers around Donnie's thinking that the others care more about what he can do for them - his tech - than Donnie himself. And Baron Draxum - while being validating - is still furthering that thinking. (Perhaps something from 'Like father, Like Son' here where Draxum mentions that he only created Donnie out of curiosity and Donnie thinks that this is confirmation that the only thing that matters is his tech, basically turning his own special interest against him. Which... ouch.) This would lead into the 'Witch Town' episode where the others tell Donnie that what matters is him, not his tech. (I also think it would be nice for him to make tech that utilizes mystic powers for now, then he would be able to make tech with mystic powers later).

(Also also I'm obsessed with backstory so I think it would be fun to include backstory episodes where all of the misbeliefs came from + turtle tot episodes. I saw from a Pinterest post that Raph might have gotten kidnapped when he was younger - Leo might have been there- hence why he was so protective of Mikey.)

Leo would get season three, which would be basically the movie + bits and bobs from Cass's apocalypse series from @somerandomdudelmao (Which I've been obsessed with.) Because I feel like if Leo understood the gravity of what his mistakes caused (the world he destroyed), then his "I'm useless" way of thinking would devolve into "they are better off without me". And I think turning the movie into a season instead would allow for more Casey Jr. backstory and some fun with the prison dimension. I've seen some animatics and ideas floating around where Leo would have some consequences of staying in the Prison Dimension (in addition to almost dying.), mostly in the form of having the Krang infect his head - in a final attempt to escape - , and he has to fight against his own thoughts and eventually defeat the Krang (I haven't thought about this one a lot but I imagine it would have a lot of 'here's the aftermath')

Raph would get season four, which would be the Shredder, Karai (I think that's how you spell her name) and the foot clan, because Karai really needed at least a few episodes before killing her off. I imagine she would go on a "field trip" (Zuko style) with each of the turtles + April while trying to get the pieces for the shredder's armor. They would also learn about their family legacy bit by bit + the nimpo thing. Since Leo is the leader now, Raph would probably go all out in a "protective older sibling" mode, and every time they lose to the shredder he blames it on himself. They lose their home and Karai dies. And I think a few extra episodes to how they deal with the loss and how they keep losing to the shredder. (Maybe they go to April or Draxum's house for a bit??) Perhaps Raph pushes himself too far and (if I remember correctly) April - as Karai - tells Raph that he is trying his best because he loves his family and that's what matters. Overall I think the finale episodes just needed a bit extra time to fully develop.

This is still a bunch of really messy ideas and I think I would have to reread a few fanfics and rewatch the series, but it would be fun to try this out I think.

ok, so.

i made a whole set up on my phone to be able to take notes while reading, and my plan was to send an ask with them before gathering my thoughts for a full organized review. but less than halfway through the chapter and i simply wasn't able to write a single thing anymore. i had planned on saying a lot, and as i went through the chapter my mind was spiraling, but by the end i was rendered speechless.

like. really.

everything was so intense, it took me three hours to read the chapter and i went to sleep by 4AM, cus i was like 🧍🏽‍♀️😶 in bed. the kitchen scene? i was so so tense, i had to stop reading several times to collect myself before continuing.

god, and the brother reveal? i loved it.

😮‍💨 i don't know, ryen, i really wanted to say a bunch of stuff because you're writing is ridiculously good. im currently majoring in languages and literature, which means that whenever im reading something i cant help but look for and analyze formal aspects and consciously or not you have an amazing control of discourse. your writing reflects the emotions you're describing in such delicate and sensitive ways, it's absurdly immersive and oh god. im rambling here but yeah.

i talk so much omg, i said i was speechless and this ask is enormous already.

anyway, my point: you're amazing. really one of my favorite authors. ever.

i wanna be your friend 😭

i loved forfeit and i was so so so touched by it. it was nerve-wracking in a delicous way, i cried, i laughed and, although i started trembling, i ended it with a ridiculous smile on my face.

im looking forward to your next ideas and i hope you look forward to my reblog with a decent review, cause it's definitely coming.

also, if you wanna, i can send the few notes i took about the beginning of the chapter, cus i think its funny?? anyway, its just rantings and quoting stuff while sobbing.

LUA BABYYY oh gosh, I should’ve clarified that you don’t have to take notes on first reread and just enjoy it if you wanted😭 looking back, I threw so so much at y’all🥲 that’s my bad.

Damn! 3 hours that really is a long time but you savored the hell out of this🥺 and taking breaks to just stare into the distance?? You literally mirrored my writing process huhuhu like I had to take multiple breaks, sometimes ones that would last a day or two. Because the nitty gritty took all of my brainpower to piece together and navigate.. imagining having all of those thoughts but in the same mind, while keeping in mind what they don’t know about each other.

Like. Be reader and go from Sundress Season straight into seeing Yoongi. There’s no context of Dal Segno so it’s jarring as fck😭 But we have all the Yoongi context too so it was definitely a balance. Hopefully i achieved what I wanted. Super happy about the writing feedback🤕 I was damn nervous about this chapter but this lifted my spirits so damn high. Those are wonderful thoughts and I dread how I’m gonna react seeing your review because I feel like I’m gonna end up a puddle of snot and tears😂🍊 Take your time but I know I’m already gonna read it over and over.

Of course you can send some notes now!! I’d love that actually🥳 Lastly, I’m glad you laughed. There’s angst yes but this is supposed to be a comfort chapter after everything🫂 Talk to me whenever I love making friends here oh gosh.. No need to be shy here at all :D