#and getting angry didnt fucking help me get out of being abused
Text
anyone else finding it really, really personally nauseating that the pjo show would remove gabes entire character and replace him with someone less abusive to make sally a Strong Female Character. like wow, im sure glad that youve proven that women who are abused are the REAL threat to feminism, and they should just try talking back more!! what a good message to send to abused kids. sorry, kid. i guess you just didnt argue hard enough and #Own your abuser into seeing how cool and strong you are. what do you mean that arguing with an abuser will only make them hurt you more? but look how snappy and cool and feminist sally is now!!! youre clearly just being abused wrong.
#pjo#gabe ugliano#any other kids who related to percy feeling a bit uhhhhhhhh like shit rn#saw a post saying how sally being 'less simpering and helpless' is a good thing#like fuck you. jesus fucking christ.#can you think about what youre saying for 2 fucking seconds.#lemme just go tell my mom that she needs to stand up for herself more brb#oh wait i tried that as a kid and guess what it got us. more abuse!#changing sallys story for the purpose of making her a 'stronger' character is disgusting in ways that i cant put into words#women dont have to be abused Well to be worthy of sympathy#and getting angry didnt fucking help me get out of being abused#this was the only story where my sister and i felt seen and were DEFINITELY not the only people who related to it#taking that away from kids who went through our situation is awful#and the fact that anyone would consider it necessary to... idk. fix how the book portrayed abuse? it hurts more than i thought it wo#fluffle talks#negative#personal#sorry im not tagging this post very well#i dont really have the energy to find the right tags rn
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
Daddy issues
After your dad is arrested, you try and beg for his job back. But Rafe Cameron decides another way for you to help your father. And his arrangement is different than you imagine.
Warnings! Daddy kink! Talks of violence! Slight reference to abuse! Choking! Blow job! Rough unprotected sex! Breeding kink! Virginity loss! Dirty talk!
You didnt know if you were more angry or surprised when you got the call from the officer that your dad was arrested and currently in jail for assault. You were finished working your late shift at the restaurant when your phone rang.
You screamed in your car on the way to the station. Your dad was a dead beat. An asshole who didn’t know how to fucking control his temper. Daddy dearest also liked to get loud with you, throw things when he didn’t get his way and one time he slapped you in the face.
You slapped him back and threatened to slash his tires. But the threat was empty considering he needed to work, which you had no idea how he kept his job at the docks while working for Rafe Cameron. It used to be his father Ward until his suicide. You’d met him often while picking your dad up, given you had to share a car.
He was…polite you could say. But he was also scary. He glared at everyone and he was short tempered. You usually heard him snapping or yelling if something wasn’t done right. Your dad complained about how strict he was.
But his status and wealth made everyone obey him and intimidated you. His attractiveness however was on another level. His height made you feel small and his blue eyes cut through people.
You slammed the door at the station and went to the desk. After signing in, you tapped your foot impatiently as an officer came up to you.
“Are you…?”
“My dad is here. He just got arrested.” You ground out. You hated being here. She nodded and looked at paperwork in front of her.
“Are you here to post bail?”
“I’m here to see if there’s any way we can clear this up as a misunderstanding.” You tried to plead but she shook her head.
“Ma’am, he attacked a man at a stoplight. He beat him up to the point he lost one of his teeth.”
You pressed your head against your hand. Jesus Christ it was worse than you thought. “How much is bail?”
She looked again at the paperwork. “Looks like we’re at 6,000 dollars.”
“What? I thought the bail was lower than that!” You shrieked.
“Ma’am. He also had multiple charges. Public intoxication, disturbance and assault. He caused a lot of trouble. I suggest you alert his job tomorrow. But until then, he’s going to spend at least 60 days in jail.”
You started crying. You couldn’t help it. It hurt so much. You couldn’t get a break. And now you’d have to face Rafe Cameron and face the humiliation of your dad being in jail.
You cried on and off the next day as you had to switch your schedule to the evening and make the phone call to your dads manager about his current situation. It was immediate termination and you broke down even harder in your bedroom. You refused to take his phone call, afraid you’d explode on him.
As you got ready for another dreaded work shift, your phone started ringing to a number you didn’t recognize. Hesitantly, you answered.
“Hello?”
“Your dads in jail, huh?” You immediately froze. It was Rafe’s voice. How did he-well he was capable of finding anything out.
“I-um. Yes. And he can’t work for you anymore. But if you’ll please reconsider. I know he’s a piece of shit but this is the only job he’s lasted out and we desperately need the money. I’m trying to get a car and we have to share one. I know this is probably pointless but I can’t help but try. So please, please take him back.” More tears came and you felt like a total cry baby but you pushed through.
You expected him to laugh but instead silence met you.
You bit your lip hard enough it bled.
“Meet me at my house. I’ll text you the address. I have a proposition for you.”
“Why can’t you tell me over the phone?” Your stomach tightened.
“Do you want me to help you or not?”
“Yes. Of course. I’ll be there.”
“Good girl.”
You set the phone down but seconds later his address came through in a text and your breath stopped short. He wanted to see you after work.
Five minutes before closing and after you finished cleaning, the drive to Rafe’s house wasn’t that far and now you knocked on his door. When he answered, you tried not to reveal how much you found him attractive. His hair was in his face and his eyes were glazed as he looked down at you. His fingers twitched and you imagined what he was doing with that hand…
Rafe gestured with his head for you to come in and you followed him inside the massive penthouse. He had everything you imagined. Expensive furniture, floors and lights.
You followed him to the kitchen where he pointed to the bar stool. “Have a seat.” He muttered.
You obeyed and watched as he circled the island in the center of the room. “So. You wanna save your dads job?”
“Yes. I’m willing to do anything-“ You stopped short when a smirk fell on his face.
“Anything?” Rafe challenged. “It looked like you hated him whenever I saw you talk to him.”
“It’s complicated.” You replied and his smirk grew into a cruel smile.
“Looks like someone has daddy issues.” Rafe countered and you crossed your arms.
“I-well when you put it that way-“
“I’m just bringing up what you’re telling me. Your dad beats the shit out of someone. He went to jail-and now you’re doing anything you can to fix it. Tell me if I missed anything.” Rafe’s voice was low and you hated that he was right.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound pushy. I’m just in a tight spot.”
“Oh I’m sure you’re in a…tight spot.” His meaning was clear and you swallowed.
That was the exchange.
“Look at you. Being a little smart girl and figuring it out. I’m gonna get to the point. You want me to take him back? Bail him out? I get to fuck you. Anywhere. Anytime. And anyplace I want. No condoms. No hidden birth control. No. I wanna see my cum leak out of that desperate pussy.”
Your mouth opened and closed. “I can’t just fuck a stranger. And no birth control? I can’t fucking get pregnant.”
“I’m a selfish whore, baby. And I can afford one. And those are my terms. Either that. Or your dad rots.”
You bit your lip. You weren’t in a position to say no. You needed the money. And Rafe was hot. There were worse guys. Rafe got closer, his big hands reaching to cup the side of your neck.
“Yeah? You want it?”
Slowly, you nodded.
Rafe crooked a finger, signaling you to come closer. You stepped down and approached him gingerly and looked into his gaze. Rafe then latched his hand around your throat. His grip was so strong your feet almost lifted in the air and your eyes widened as he crushed his lips to yours.
His lips devoured you as he shoved his tongue into your mouth. You weren’t experienced. Sure, you’d touched yourself and made out with people.
But actual fucking? You’d never done that. And you knew that was about to change.
“You want me to take care of you, don’t you?” Rafe loosened his hold on your neck and pressed you against the island counter, “need someone to be your daddy?”
Your hands flew to his chest as you brought him impossibly closer, his lips sucked your skin with bruising force. You opened your mouth as he slipped his fingers inside.
“Suck.” He commanded and you listened. Spit gathering on your lips as he kneed your legs apart and lifted you up on the counter.
“Need daddy to help you? Fill you up with my cum?” His dirty words made your cunt twitch as he started toying the end of your skirt. Your thighs dampened as he trailed his thick fingers along your flesh, his fingers grazing the wet patch of your underwear.
You started grinding to give any friction against your arousal as he apparently changed his mind and threw you to the ground by underneath your arms. Rafe gestured to the crotch of his pants. “Consider this your first payment, baby. You ever done this before?”
You shakily remained silent as he huffed an amused laugh.
“Really? A girl who’s such a perv that she’s willing to fuck someone giving her money? Never would have guessed. I guess I’ll be nice and help you.”
Rafe undressed his lower half, his cock leaked with precum and he took your hand. “Swipe it with your thumb, get it all wet.” His massive hand compared to yours was almost comical as he grabbed the back of your head.
“Open your mouth, princess. And remember to breathe through your nose.”
After that, he silenced whatever worries you had by shoving his dick forward. You run your tongue along the thick underside, lessening some of the heavy weight by massaging with your hand. You took the tip through your mouth, shoving down any nerves as you sucked. Rafe bobbed your head up and down as he pushed you further, your head bouncing as your eyes squeezed shut.
“No, no, open your slutty eyes and look at me.” He growled. He leaned over the arch of the space between the counter and where you sank on your knees. The skin of his cock was supple as you continued aiding with your hand. It was hot to the touch.
“Good fucking girl. Maybe I’ll reward you by fucking your pussy.” He started thrusting and hitting the back of your throat. “Breathe. Breathe through your nose.” He wiped a few tears away with his thumb as you listened to him.
You knew he was getting closer as he stopped talking, his breathing heavier as he moved your head. His cum spilled inside your mouth, as he released you and you coughed.
“Not bad for your first time. We’re gonna practice some more.” Rafe smirked as his face was flushed and his fist flexed.
He moved on top of you on the floor, hiking up your skirt and ripping off your panties. He spread apart your wet cunt and dipped his middle finger inside your clenching entrance. “You’re such a whore. Never done any of this and you’re already gonna cum. Should have known you’d be daddy’s cum slut.”
Rafe yanked your legs apart, and spit on your pussy. “Not that it needed it, but I’m gonna be a little more kind to you.” You shrieked as he grabbed your jaw.
“Are you on birth control?”
“No.” You quickly answered. “Never-never needed-“
“Good. And you’re not going to. Got it?” Rafe moaned as he pushed his tip in your pussy, “fuck you’re so tight.”
You winced from discomfort but then his knuckles hit your clit, aiding to relieve your tension as he circled them. “Gonna make you mine. Take you away from all that shit.” He grunted as he pushed further.
Rafe let you wrap your arms around his neck as he thrusted.
“Tell daddy you like it.”
“I like it.” You sobbed as he moved harder. “I like it, daddy.”
It was slightly shameful how quickly you came all over him and spilled onto your legs. Rafe also came again and you felt it inside you. He was serious about no protection.
He stayed for a few seconds before getting up. And pulling his pants back on. He extended his hand and pulled you up. You knew you were a sight to be seen, fucked out eyes and messy hair. You just lost your virginity to Rafe Cameron.
You cleared your throat and watched him sweep his eyes over your face. “So. My dad?”
He shrugged. “He’s already out.”
You paled. “What?”
“I posted bail a few minutes before you got here. But as for his job, you’re gonna have to work harder than that. I have conditions.”
“But I already said-“
“More than just fucking you, baby girl. I own you now. You are mine and no one gets to even think about fucking you. I will cross any line you make to keep me away. And if you try, I will punish you.”
“I didn’t do anything wrong.” You whimpered as he loomed over you.
“And?” He mocked. “You already agreed. You need me. Don’t you?” He cupped your jaw. Tightly but not as harsh.
“Yeah.” You leaned in to his touch. Your defenses are completely down. You needed care. You were always working. Always cleaning up after someone’s mess. And now…he was going to take care of you.
And either make your daddy issues better.
Or worse.
@xxhellfirebunnyxx @imyourdaninow @lesservillain @take-everything-you-can @slvt4jamesmarch @ifeeltoofuckingmuch @scene-and-dandylover @emsgoodthinkin
#rafe cameron#rafe x reader#rafe outer banks#rafe imagine#rafe smut#rafe fanfiction#rafe x you#rafe obx#rafe cameron smut#rafe cameron x reader#rafe cameron x female reader#Rafe Cameron imagine#Rafe Cameron series#rafe cameron fanfiction#rafe cameron outer banks#outerbanks rafe#rafe fic
1K notes
·
View notes
Text
he hurt me but it felt like true love
-Kai anderson x fem reader
CW: abusive relationship, sex w/o protection, slapping, spitting, manhandling, angry kai, knife play, threatening. slut shamming. mentions of death.
summary: while kai was out running meetings for his cult, teaching and mentoring his followers he hears men of the group talking about you. About your beauty, how bad they wanted you and how much of a slut they thought you were. Rather than kai getting angry at them, he directs that anger towards you.
You loved kai more than anything. Your friends and family said it was manipulation, abuse and such, but to you he was God. Understanding that him being busy all the time helping his people wasn’t something hard for you to understand, you actually looked up to him for it.
He had promised you he’d be home intime for dinner. Dressing up nice with a pretty dress you knew he liked, putting your hair down and making his favorite food was your way to repay him for everything. Yet where was he? You couldn’t text or call him in fear of him getting upset, all you could do was wait. But even the most faithful followers get tired.
Keeping on the dress in hope that he may come back soon and wake you up to have dinner you laid in bed, thinking about him was all you could ever do. Were you dumb in love with a psychotic cult leader? Yes, you couldn’t complain since you knew what you signed up for with him but a fire lit inside you this night. Anger, you wanted to be #1 in his mind but you never were, and you were done taking it.
Somewhere in the time you fell asleep and wake up to something sharp on your neck and a familiar scent. opening your eyes and seeing kai standing at the edge of the bed right infront of you, his long blue hair falling infront of his face along with rage.
“kai? whats h-“ His hand reaches to your cheeks with a squeeze and leaning your head up to look at him while a knife pressing at your neck.
“Tell me, do you think i’m stupid y/n?” He squatted down face to face with you as he asked, never taking his eyes off of you. “Do you think you get to be some slut while with me?”
You look at him with confusion “what are you talking about kai?” you muttered out, still not being able to comprehend the situation as he woke you. You try to sit up but quickly get pushed back down and the knife being held harder against you skin
“Stay the fuck down and speak up. tell me. do you think i don’t know what you do?” And just like that, the rage from earlier comes rushing back to you in waves.
“kai i have no fucking idea what you’re talking about. you leave me hanging with dinner and come home accusing me of thing? are you serious? put the goddamn knife down.” He had never seen you like this, speaking up and being upset with him. The last thing you expected him to do was laugh, and yet that’s what he did. Laughed right in your face with a knife digging into you.
“Im not putting anything down. you know what i heard though? i heard how much you love flaunting yourself around MY members. do you know what they think of you y/n?” He laughs again almost phycotictly “They think you’re a stupid slut that’s free for grabs all because little miss y/n loves being so fucking sweet and talkative. Here’s a thought baby, why don’t you shut the fuck up and stay away from them? maybe so you won’t embarrass me like this?”
“i didnt do anything kai, i wasn’t even at the meetings today. Yes i try to help and talk to them but that’s just because i want to be a part of what you do, why can’t you see that?”
“You wanna know what i see? i see a desperate bitch begging for attention, if not from me than it’s from them. you think i have time to deal with that after all i do for you and these people? you think i don’t love you or something so you feel like you have to do all that?” He turns his head as he asks the last question, almost mocking you. You see his hand go down to his pants as he starts unzipping them slowly.
“yes. i just want your attention and love kai, can you understand that please?” Your body weakens as you say these words, suddenly you feel better by just telling him this and not keeping it in.
“You want me attention huh? and my love. Here i’ll give you allll my attention you pathetic little whore. I see how hard you try, let me reward you with my attention hm?” He gets up leaving his crotch at your heads height now. Even though you heard his sarcasm this was all you wanted, his attention in any way, shape or form. “Open that pretty little mouth for your leader, you wanted attention right? i’ll give it to you” You looked up at his though your eyelashes with doe eyes and opened your mouth just as he had asked you to do. His pants slid down with ease as he palmed himself through his underwear, he loved making you wait for it after all. All you could do was wait and wait and wait, your mouth watered at the sight of him finally taking his cock out as he stepped closer to you he slapped his tip on your lips. He spit down on his cock and into your mouth before he slipped his hard cock into it, a loud grown coming from him almost immediately.
“Is this was you wanted? here’s the fucking attention for you” He went on to fuck your mouth, one hand behind your head leading you deeper on his cock while the other pressed a cold knife against the side of your neck. “I should fucking kill you for what those guys said. But then i’d be wasting such a perfect mouth, so good at sucking me off. So..fucking.. pretty” One more thrust and he stayed deep in your throat making you gag, he stayed just like that for almost a minute. Your eyes watered with mascara running down your face and saliva down your chin before he let go as he looked down at you.
You subconsciously pressed your thighs together to please yourself in anyway and he saw it. “Oh you love this don’t you little lamb, you love being used by your God. use your words” His hand slid up your thighs before you could reply his hand was already up your dress as he was met with a surprise.
“What a fucking slut, no panties? i should’ve known this is what you wanted all along” He ran a finger through your folds and stopped right at your clit. “But, i won’t do anything until you admit what a slut you are, admit this is what you wanted”
“yes divine ruler this is what i wanted, i’m such a slut for you but only for you i swear. i’ll do better.” As promised for your honestly he began running circles on your clit. A desperate moan came from your lips, any touch from him made your body react in ways you didn’t know where possible.
“Good girl” You felt the cold knife make its way to your lips as he slid a finger into your wet pussy, you let your tongue out for him to place the knife as he finger fucked you. “what a good fucking girl you are while doing what you’re told. Do you want even more attention?” A almost embarrassing whimper came out of your mouth as he spoke.
“mhm, please” And just like that he got in his knees on the bed, placing your legs above his shoulders and his cock lying on your stomach. He leaned over you putting one hand on one side of you and the other on his cock lining up with your entrance. Relentlessly he thrusted into you making you both moan as you looked into eachothers eyes, he quickly reached for the knife again and placed at at your neck before he continued his rough thrusts.
“You’re still at my mercy, your pleasure, your orgasm… your life is all at my mercy. show me you’re worth my attention” Those words alone made you squeeze around his cock, all you want to do is please him and show him you’re worth his everything. You reached your hand behind his head and leaned him in closer as you both went in for the most passionate kiss you’ve ever shared, you were addicted to his taste. Kai fucking anderson was a drug you’d never get enough of. Your legs latched around his waist making his thrusts deeper, your moans going into the kiss before he left your lips and went on to your ear, his grunts sound like heaven in your ear. “You feel so fucking good” He whispered into your ear causing shivers to go down your spine.
“i’m all yours kai, i want you to use my body forever give me your attention whenever you please” You whispered in return. You put your hand around his holding the knife and looked into his eyes. “if i’m not enough for you i’ll kill me myself” Your legs start shaking as you got closer to your orgasm.
“That won’t be necessary my pretty slut” He leaned back up and let the knife go, both his hands went to your waist as he fucked you deeper and harder than before, using your waist to push you down to meet his thrusts. You wer sure the grip he had on you would leave bruises but you didn’t care, all you could think about was him.
“I’m gonna cum kai please, let me cum all over your cock my divine ruler” You begged as you felt him throb inside you, his thrusts getting sloppy and his face scrunching with his moans. You knew he was close and all you wanted was to be filled up by him. “fill me with your seed, please it’s all i live for, it’s all id die for kai”
“Cum for me baby, i’ll bless this fucking pussy with my cum for you” He let out his final thrusts as you came all of him, squeezing around him throwing him over the edge as he filled you up you wrapped you legs tighter around him. You threw you head back with the overwhelming pleasure he caused you, his hand quickly teacher below your neck making you look at his cock finishing inside you. He pulled out and grabbed the knife running it down your pussy, picking up his cum dripping out of you. “Open up that pretty mouth for me” Taking your tongue out again he slid the knife along it, leaving his cum on your tongue for you to swallow.
“am i worthy of you divine ruler?” Your words come out like music to his ears, he leaned down and kissed your lips before he slapped you across your cheek.
“My pathetic little slut. you’re worthy.”
He hurt you and it felt like true love.
I hope this was good, i wrote it pretty quickly once i got the idea. I appreciate all likes, comments and reposts they make my day and show your support! requests are open♥️ -rain
#evan peters#kai anderson#kai anderson x y/n#kaiandersonsmut#kai anderson x you#kai anderson smut#kai anderson x reader#kaianderson#evan peters x y/n#evan peters x reader#evan peters smut#tate langdon smut#tate langdon x reader#tate langdon#ahs smut#lana del rey#james march smut#kit walker smut#rough smut#looking for moots#dont let this flop#ahs coven
221 notes
·
View notes
Text
The demon brothers plus thr angels with a turamatized MC:
TW: each with toutch on differnt abuse/turamas, each charicter will mention the specific ones. Not for details of it, mainly just comfort. Implied murder/near death experience (not for reader or them), our world is really fucked up :>
Lucifer: Physical
- he noticed something was off with you. You spend less time with him than the rest of his brothers, you often hide in your room or with one of the bothers when himself or Satan were angry. So when he saw you did bad on an exam, he asked you to come to his room, and the brothers were worried for
- Lucifer TOUGHT that the ways he disciplined his brothers was fine, until he saw the terror in your eyes, and you begging not to hurt him.
- so he didnt
- instead, he sat on his coutch with you and talked, about why you failed the exam, about why you seemed so... scared of him and Satan
- so, you told him
- that's when he started reevaluating everything he did. He... didn't want his brothers to become this hurt too... and they have expressed being done with the physical punishments...
- so he asked for your help in ways that he could do better with discipline and to help his brothers and you more
- so, you shared some ideas, opening up
- over time the family bond grew stronger because of Lucifer learning to be differnt. To show his brothers a bit more respect
- he never explains why he has changed, that would hurt his pride, and he dosent want you to force yourself to relive that turama again. It's your choice, and he feels bad for dragging it out of you when he didn't know
Mammon: financial
- this man asks anyone for money and is in severe debt, so his presious human would love to help him outta a few tight spots rightttt?
- when you express that you don't loan money, and he is the kind of person as to why you don't, he got curious. Did someone hurt his human? Did they steal from them?-
- so he just- CASUALLY went up to thr human world and found out about what happend
- what's the first thing he did when he learned?
- threatened them into returning everything they owed ya, plus interest♡
- when he is back home, he gives you some extra affection and gets you things aswell
- he is also a little extra protective over you now, and he doesn't bring up his little trip
Levi: denial of problem/diagnosis of nurodiversity
- this man is very autistic, so it was easy for you to bond with him like some of the other brothers
- you are allowed to go to school online with him if you express that you are being overstimulated in class or something of the sort
- when you have whatever need for your nurodiverity caterd to, Levi takes note when he sees you crying at just, the relief you feel
- so, he comforts you, understanding completely, he had to do alot for the bothers to accept and help him do what he needs to do and them learn the same for themselves. So, he is just there for you
- Levi would fight anyone that would dare try to say that you aren't what you are, because he knows.
- he envies Nurotypical people who have it easy
Satan: Verbal
- he notices when you shine away whenever he gets loud and angry, he does his best to control jt so it's not often, but trust me, he notoces
- so, when he next gets mad, he sees the fear in your eyes and calms himself, asking about why you're afraid of him
- when you open up about what happend, he gets angry, not at you, at those who hurt you. He dosent show it tough
- you two go and hangout with some cats at a cat Cafe, he reads to you a novel of your choice, and let's you stay in his bed
- when the time comes, he goes and does some important work in the human world that needs to be done♡
Asmo: r*pe/forced sexualizeation/etc
- he is very confused as to why you never want to be alone with him, or really... any of his brothers-
- and when you are, you try to get someone there, or leave asap
- so, he finally asked, clearly worried and very empathetic, with one of the brothers you trust dearly there too for your comfort
- no matter how much you open up, just by the way you sit and act, he recognizes it, and it breaks his heart
- so now, he makes sure to allways be around you to help you feel safe, either him or someone that you both trust so you don't have to be alone
- he makes damn sure any incubi or succubi haven't done anything without the other person able to consent or go near you aswell, just to be sure♡
Beel: earing disorder/disorderd eating
- beel sees your relationship with food, and completely understand it, he also dosent have the best relationship with food due to his sin
- but... it dosent allways feel like ot that way for him
- so, he acts accordingly depending on what kind of ED you have and does his best to help you
- weather it's to eat less/more to gain/lose weight, he destroys the scale you have and plans out a diet and exercise regiment with you
- if you purge, he does his best to have you not do it, if you still do, he helps you trough it
- if you have disorders eating, well he gets food with you often and makes sure you eat it
- he just cares and wants you to be happy
Belphie: insomnia
- he sleeps his days away, so when he notices you're not asleep, or it's short, he checks in
- if it's turama related, he'll lend and ear and promise to make sure you have lovely dreams, if you'll be his pellow
- if you just have a hard time sleeping, or don't share, he offers to give you magically induced sleep, if you can be his pellow(he really likes em cuddles Kay?)
- you get the best sleep ever, and he makes sure you dream peacefully every night, and are able to wake up when it's needed
- he also asks if you wanna nap with him and will do the same then
Simeon and Luke: Religion
- they notice that you're distant to them compared to anyone else, Luke takes complete and utter offense to this, while Simeon is worried
- when they confront you about this and your experiences, Luke is livid that humans have done that in the name of a higher power/their father
- Simeon apologizes, reaffirming that what they did isn't right
- Luke hugs you tightly and often stays by you now, guveibg you some sweets he made aswell
- they dont force themselves onto you tough, if you ask them to leave they will do so
51 notes
·
View notes
Text
a rant about how fucking ANNOYING my ex was when it came to my npd (even though HE HAD BPD HIMSELF)
ok so first off, he was the one to help me realize i probably had bpd. and it was NICE because i was figuring things out abuot myself and i felt like i could talk to him and i was being really open. but after a bit i started feeling weird with the label, and i was noticing that i had a lot of symptoms that didnt match up with bpd, so i started researching other pds, which led me to NPD. but i had a lot of internalized ableism around the idea. so i pushed it inside myself and bottled it up, until i saw something frmo someone with NPD that i related to so deeply that i couldnt push it down anymore so i started doing more research on npd and looked at experiences from people with npd. and it made sense! it made so much sense and looking through tumblr seeing stuff from ppl with npd that were proud of their npd and were open about it and were so similar to me made me happy. so i decided to tell my boyfriend, because he was, yknow, my BOYFRIEND, and i felt i could trust him.
i tell hiim that i think i might have it. at the time i was like 99% sure. and the first thing he says is i probably dont because im "too nice" and that hes SCARED. of my fucking personality disorder. which doesnt help my internalized ableism at fucking ALL. but i put it off im like whatever okay hes an anxious person its fine. but no, it just keeps going.
he starts to talk about how he thinks his terribly abusive mother has npd. about how he has so much trauma over the term and how his mother is such a terrible narcissist abuser and how he still believes in narc abuse to an extent. and im like, what the fuck? listening to the things hes saying his mom doesnt even seem like a narcissist. she just seems like a regular fucking abuser. but no, of course, tell this to your boyfriend that confided in you about a terribly stigmatized disorder he thinks he might have, because of course thats good (sarcasm).
and then he tells me that whenever i talk about npd i trigger him and i shouldnt talk about it so much. i shouldnt talk about my fucking PERSONALITY DISORDER. the disorder that makes up my whole personality, the one that affects the way that i think and view the world and others. but no, of course, youre allowed to talk about your bpd as much as you want, but i cant talk about my npd. (sarcasm again). if you cant handle me talking about it, imagine what its like to fucking LIVE IT. to have a disorder that everywhere i go there comes up shit about how every pwnpd is a terrible abuser and they dont deserve respect, and then i confide in my fucking BOYFRIEND about it, because i TRUST him, and i just get more stigma thrown back at my fucking face.
this one is just kind of annoying and not like objectively bad, but i show them this meme one time thats like "what to do to all narcissists: tell them theyre always right" and they respond like "uhm ackshually.... its harmful to feed into their ego and tell them theyre right when they arent" LIKE I FUCKING KNOW YOU IDIOT!!! i know im not always going to be right! i know that!!!! and then they talk about how they arent comfortable when i ask for supply because they dont want to fucking "feed my ego" like what the fuck!!!! what the fuck is wrong with you!!!! and they would get fucking upset when i headcanoned a character to have npd. like what the FUCK is wrong with you. ughh!!!!!! god. they make me so angry!!!!
#goofball rambles#rant post#rant#cluster b safe#npd safe#actually cluster b#actually npd#actually narcissistic#npd vent
22 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ok but theres TWO characters, TWO CHARACTERS, who give me the same fucking vibe.
Damian Wayne and Selwyn Kane
LISTEN- THEY ARE BOTH SELF-LOATHING BLACK HAIRED TEENAGERS THAT HAVE TO DO WITH SOMETHING "demon"OR POWERS THROUGH A SIDE OF THE FAMILY.
They both were forced into the roles of soldier/Bodyguard/Assasin/vigilante at a young age, and sure you can argue for damian that it was bound to happen or else he would have risked himself and he already raised as an assasin, same with selwyn, If he wasnt oathed to nick he would have transformed into a full demon he didnt really get a choice and he ddint want to loose his humanity.
SEE:
-Both forced into roles that no chikd should be put through, highly dangerous and/or with high manipulation and torture
-Both didn't get a choice even if they "had " to choose. Damian was already soon of the Bat and he was already raised a ninja, groomed to be heir of both. Selwyn the son of a merlin who since his birth was groomed to become the Kingsmage, who as a child got sent to live with this Family and tasked to protect A community of die/loose his humanity.
-Both have deep trauma and self-loathing.
Like, Damian feels the guilt over the deaths on his shoulders fron when he was a child assasin, thats very deep guilt, mixed with his families treatment him,(not all bad but they could do better), he has very self sacrificial tendencies seeing himself as expendable and preferring others lifes over his own (In a very concerning level of suicidal ideation).
Sel has a similar deal, he deals with a lot of pain and grief from how he treated Bree to his mother abandoning him mixed with the regents and legenborns abuse of him, that and he feeks pain and doesnt show it and he makes choices and sacrifices himself especially due to that guilt.
-Both got them mommy issues
We dont know that much about Sels mother apart from that she can resist turning and she was friends with brees mother, we have few glimpses of her but thats it. We know this, Sel feels deep grief and pain over loosing her, he also is upset that she didn't come back for him, and angry on her behalf cause he can and cant justify her actions.
we have more information about damians mom and we know she loved him and its mutual, but Damian did get dropped off at his father after years, they didnt even meet until certain age for Damian, Damian was also trained since birth and he loves his mom, he cant condone her actions, he cant justify them and it pains him because its still his mom.
-They both are Dry humoured Emotionally constipated Teenager emos.
BOTH their characters are very angsty and dramatic but have a sense of dry humour and comedy.
Like Sometimes its cruel due to being defensive and sometimes its funny saracasm or something just makes them so done. Like Sel after bree told him to say something and he did exactly that, or the jokes they have,same with damian, Like the joke about the crowbar to jason in robin 2021, there he was defensive and trying to get the rise out of someone but it was dry cruel humour, very funny and also their humour is a mix of angst and "Try me bitch" so they will say espontaneous shit thats funny or obvious sarcasm mixed with the joke of "I need therapy" Because thats their mindset (And no Damian wayne is not the feral eight year old brat that cant ever laugh that some people think he is,he is a teenager and has developed well through the comics)
-They are self aware as fuck and idiots.
They can probably go on and say the most concerning shit about their childhood like being raised as an assasin or taken as a child. Selwyn joked about trying to help bree when she needs Just a much therapy than him or even more, and then he jokes saying no one needs more therapy than him, and then theres damian talking/Thinking about his childhood and sometimes realizing how messed up it was, or how it upset him to do certain things.
-They both are dramtic as shit and speak with a fancy air.
Like holy shit (I do too but i read too much) the calling people Full names or fancy titles miced with spite, or the way they speak bejng all "Thine thou shant" dramatic, or how damian Would give a speech to jason to electrocute him dramatically or Sel just being sel edgy.
Anyways theres a lot of similarities and differences but this characters are literally same.
#Damian Wayne#selwyn kane#Legendborn#Batman#Dramatic assholes#I love them your honour but theyre idiots#Black haired emo boys#Also Gives me the vibes of Nico di angelo#Nico di angelo#Zuko#hunter the owl house#Kaz brekker???#Anyways i said what i said#Comics#booklr#dc comics#Robin#bloodmarked#robin 2021
34 notes
·
View notes
Note
apologies if someone’s already asked before but; does raph ever feel guilty he didn’t “stop” leo from becoming a little monster as the oldest sibling. obviously there’s not much he could’ve done, plus he’s only like a year older
they’re all so mad at leo and rightly so because she mistreated them badly, but do they realize she’s also a victim, just differently? or does it take them longer to realize this.
i keep thinking about the bit where you said leo promised to be on her best behavior at the farmhouse but since she didnt know how to behave normally she just started treating everyone the way she treats splinter. that is so heartbreaking for everyone involved. terrible implications for leo but also imagine being one of her brothers and she starts treating you the way she treats your abusive parent. i imagine it would be confusing at best
YEAH I MEAN YEAH I MEAN. yeah. yes to all of this.
Raph feels bad about it sometimes but he's gotten more ANGRY than self blaming in the past few years. he remembers Leo being nice and he hates that Leo is just kind of a dickhead now. he wonders if there's anything he could have done but, oh well, nothing he says matters to Leo anymore. it's too late :( (or so he thinks)
And yea, I think they all sort of vaguely know that Leo is also a victim. especially Mikey, who's the most aware of how fucked up and abusive their situation is. But it's hard to remember that when the abused person in question is actively tormenting you. there's only so much sympathy you can have before you tell him to fuck off haha.
no spoilers, but they DO learn more about the specifics of Leo's abuse/fucked up upbringing when they go into her mind but uh. that's a comic for another time!
Leo treating them like Splinter mostly means being really good about doing... basically whatever they want. which is weird and kind of nice at first (hey, leo is getting me a cup of water! that's nice! And he's helping with dinner, cool!)
but it's also being very formal and respectful, and they very quickly get uncomfortable cause Leo is like.. openly desperate to not have his devotion questioned. he wants to prove he's a good brother, he wants their approval so bad it's painfully awkward. he'll stand off to the side separated from them as if he's their servant who's only there to fetch things. he doesn't know how to joke around with them and treat them with "respect" (aka like Splinter) at the same time, so he just temporarily stops acting like their peer and instead acts like hes beneath them. like a tool or something.
Which makes them realize that is if this is how Leo acts when its just him and Splinter then,,, like, fucking yikes, yknow?
but pointing that out just makes Leo feel like he's failing at Being a Good Brother fadshfuahsghusadg. rough times.
76 notes
·
View notes
Note
howdy hi kat, i wanna vent abt something if thats alright
its not major im just very frustrated, im in a household with an abuser (my mums husband, 10+ years now of this bullshit) and i cant get out due to my disabilities. as well as my brain being a fucky illness hellhole because of him
what im coming here to complain about honestly is so minor, cause hes physically attacked me and my siblings (he actively choked out my brother one time it was fucking nuts) but specifically today me and my 2 older siblings, my brother who was choked and my sister, FINALLY got to hang out for the first time in literally a decade cause this fucking prick has made it impossible for me and my family to just relax together and hang out. FINALLY we got to hang out for 3 measly hours and he sent a bunch of texts to my brother about how dare we be so fucking loud, how we made him late to work (we didnt. he left the same time as usual) he's gonna take the only phone in the house to work with him (which we watch his two kids while he and my mum are at work?? which would make it impossible to call for help if there were an emergency its so fucking stupid hes so stupid it baffles me)
and.. to prove he was super serious.. that his threat was SOOOO for real... he sent 🤬🤬.. and i'm literally more caught up over the emojis!! who sends two swearing emojis to show their threat is serious? it was paired up with a threat to beat us all too - mind you we're all adults now, not that its okay to beat children but im pretty sure you cant argue to police you were attempting some kind of corporal punishment if its a fully grown adult you don't even have legal family ties to? that's just assault.
im just frustrated at his audacity and also the emojis, ironically the emojis are whats getting me!! thats like being threatened to be shot with a confetti canon, ooouguh im gonna stab you with this here balloon animal buster type shit!! i'd expect that from a 12 year old hate anon not a 34 year old man
anyways thanks for letting me get that out of my system, i hope you're having a good day kat <3
When you're being abused, there's honestly no such thing as a "minor issue not worth complaining about" because it all ties up in and reinforces a greater pattern of abuse, even if, on its on, it wouldn't be that serious. So you get to be angry about all of it and you get to complain all you want! I'm so sorry you have to deal with this and your abuser is a pathetic asshole ❤️
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
One thing about me is that I'm so John Lennon coded. I used to be so fucking angry. I used to be violent. I used to be full of rage bc the world was unjust to me.
I'm not that person anymore. She was desperate and caged and didn't know where her life was going. Despite it all, I understand John. If I was a cis guy, I probably would have been even worse, would have had a harder time unlearning anger and insisting on kindness.
I've changed. Transitioning and moving out from my abusive home helped, but I've also become a gentler person by choice. I learned to communicate well and I'm proud of that. it makes me so fucking sad to think that if John had those same means to help himself or let himself be helped, he might have been a lot happier. And from there it's this butterfly effect of.. how much heartbreak could have been avoided.
My obsession w the beatles faded long before I even knew that i could become who I am today. Before i knew that this angry, frustrated, defensive, even aggressive person was not all I was ever going to be. I took comfort in their stories of hardship because my life was so fucking hard. I saw John's harshness at 13, and adopted it and it helped me survive, and also I was 16, maybe 17 when they were nudged into the storage cabinet of my brain for inactive brainworms.
They're back now and I understand humans a lot better. I understand how it all works. And it's so fucking tragic that it breaks my heart if i just think too much about like. Any point in beatles history beyond 1968. There are layers upon layers of tragedy in there and I'm constantly doing mental splits between the heartbreaking reality of John Lennon which i understand so much better now that I'm in my 20s, and the feeling of He's Just Like Me, this unfiltered adoration from ten years ago. He's just like me but he didnt get to grow up like I did. And I'm just like him because I fashioned my armour after him; the snark, the jokes, the being brutally honest. Some of it has faded as I don't need it as desperately anymore, some of it has become me.
I'm just like him but I escaped the cycle of violence.
#I AM SO SAD#CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME#john lennon#i owe him in part the way I can say fuck it and stand up for myself because Fuck what other people think. if they're being evil#i can be evil too.#but yeah. ive grown. im not there anymore. i dont identify with him as much as i used to. i changed#and i guess that's part of my heartbreak#quip
7 notes
·
View notes
Note
okay i cannot emphasize on how hard chapter 18-19 of nature has taught her creatures to hate made me cry. jon being an impressionable kid and relearning how to be a person with the help of gerry is so, so fucking sweet, and despite not making it out of the institute, what happened mattered anyway. gerry’s actions and resolve still matter even if they didnt reach their goal. and its like. what the fuck.
what fucked me up even more was gerry seeing this kid younger than him and deciding he can *never* be selfish when it comes to jon. he needs to be someone jon can look up to and rely on. but like. hes also just a kid. its horrible, its horrible all the way around, but when you find love in horror you cling as hard and fast as you can until your nails rip off. gerry is just such a good person, man.
I love so much TMA's theme of "the choices you make, even the unfair ones, are the ones that matter." It's this horrible monkey paw situation. It's not that they're utterly helpless in the face of the horrors--in fact, the horrors sometimes can't touch you unless you make the choice to let them. But they can do truly horrible things to guide your choice. It's like Michael--you have to be the one to open its door, but it doesn't have to play fair to get you to do it.
Gerry and Jon fail, back when they're kids. But they still chose each other in the face of horrible consequences. They still chose to love and sacrifice for someone else. And I think that that will always matter.
It's the one thing that Elias can never take from Jon, and believe me--he's tried. Elias can make the choice as unfair and painful as he wants. But it's still Jon's choice in the end. And Jon chooses Gerry. He chooses to love. And that's not nothing.
As to the second thing, I really think the sheer existence of Jon was a total role reversal for Gerry and really just a sign of how good of a person he is.
(I know there’s a lot of debate as to whether he’s the major character death tagged, I’m using present tense because i had to pick a tense but I will leave the mystery of whether he’s alive or not up to y’all the tenses in this post mean nothing).
Gerry is so fucking angry by the time he meets Jon. He’s at this point in his life where he’s in a horrible, abusive, metaphysically terrifying situation that he just can’t find his way out of. He’s tried asking for help, and people chose not to help him. And that’s important—they chose to do it. It’s not that they couldn’t overcome his mother; they explicitly decided to not help him.
The theme of choices and their importance in TMA is, again, just such a huge motif, and it’s no different here. And, moreover, Gerry knows about the importance of choices—his mother raised him to understand them. It is a huge, looming, unshakeable fact in Gerry’s mind at this point: the choices people make matter, and for some reason, everyone chooses to leave him to unspeakable suffering.
Roles are another important thing in TMA—and Gerry very squarely occupies one as the person reaching out for help. He is never the person in the position to offer it, at least not at this point in his life. He is never truly been confronted with the same decision of helping someone being abused that he has proffered others, again and again and again.
He has been dancing along the edges of that decision, however, and he is absolutely fucking terrified that he will make the same one that everyone makes with him. In his statement, he mentioned his mother’s victims—that she stopped hiding them after he tried to turn her in, and that he always told himself that it was too late, they were already dead, and there was nothing he could do.
He also mentions he was lying to himself.
Now, in truth, there really wasn’t anything he could do to help them. His mom really could and would have overwhelmed him, and by the time he saw them, they would have died even if he got them to a hospital. But he still made the choice not to try, and that’s important, and that is a part of himself that Gerry has never been able to forget no matter how hard he tries.
And then there's Jon.
At the start of their friendship, Gerry is so extremely convinced that Jon and he are occupying the same role. Jon is the kid trapped in this world, who no one helps.
It is not until he finds out that Elias made him an avatar that things change.
It's like this: Gerry and Jon are both two kids in a wildly dangerous situation. Their respective adults have brought them down to the edge of the deepest pool in the world. There's no lifeguard on duty, no safety rails, no life vests, and neither of them have been taught to swim. The ground is slick and people slip often, and if you fall in, you will never be able to climb out again.
Gerry knows, viscerally, that his mother has put him in a situation where he is probably going to drown. But, at the very least, she's warned him not to run--even though she forces him to walk at a hazardously fast pace.
Gerry thought that was Jon. Elias brought him to the edge, told him to keep up, and looked on when he fell in and died painfully. Jon was just the less lucky version of Gerry. Both of them have constantly ran the risk of being eaten, but Jon just happened to be the one that got swallowed. He was suffering the terrible fate that Gerry was fully expecting to befall him.
But then Gerry finds out that Elias made him an avatar on purpose. And that's different from what happened to Gerry. Gerry's mother introduced him to the risk of drowning, but Elias held Jon beneath the waves and waited until he stopped struggling.
Gerry realized, then, that, for the first time, he was the guy that could turn a blind eye. He was every single person who had ever turned their back on him.
And it would have been easy for him to do the same thing.
Because while Gerry had realized that there was a difference between him and Jon, Jon hadn't realized the same thing. Jon was not asking Gerry for help. At the time Gerry decided to save him, Jon wasn't aware that he could be saved. Gerry could have kept on the same way they were going before he knew, and Jon would have never once thought the worse of him.
And besides, the Institute, Elias, and the Eye were all incredibly dangerous. Gerry knew he would risk a horrible, painful fate if he went up against them. He had every single reason to not risk what he did.
He could have turned a blind eye, and the only one who would have paid the price was Jon.
Gerry was a little boy in a terrible situation who found a littler boy in a worse situation, and he decided that he needed to be for Jon everyone he never had. Gerry was a kid, and was trying to force himself to walk in some very adult shoes. Jon was just so incredibly fucked up when they ran that he was completely unaware of how wrong things were, and Gerry ended up shouldering a huge amount of the burden of keeping them on track. The car could have been actively on fire in a hurricane and Jon still would have counted it as better than where he was before; Gerry knew why Jon was like this and loved him more than anything, but at the end of the day, he was still very young and very afraid and spent most of the time wanting to cry. It was unequivocally the best part of his life, and he spent most of it wanting to cry.
It was horrible, and it was unfair, but it mattered. The choices that they made in those moments made Gerry Keay and Jonathan Sims more than any single thing Elias ever did, and it mattered.
#jonathan sims#gerard keay#gerry keay#nhthcth#i love them so much#they were such good boys#they loved each other so much#i cannot emphasize that part enough#jon and gerry had every single reason to stop loving and stop living and they still both cared about a scared little boy in a bad situation#there's no entity of love or hope but it still can be the most radical thing to hold to in the face of overbearing fear
24 notes
·
View notes
Text
i hate that i see one gifset of stsc and my whole body just. locks up. and starts shaking. i hate that i immediately feel like im going to die. im not in danger oh my god im just. im just looking at a fictional robot and my body makes me react as if i have to run. run from what??? im so tired of feeling so nauseous and dizzy and angry every single day. my god i miss stsc more than anything. loving ken is great but it is not the same. nothing is the same. i have come to truly hate TF with my entire being, even tho TF didnt hurt me, it was someone i associated with TF. but i am so bitter about what happened to me and i wish the franchise never existed bc then i never would have met my abuser. but at the same time i miss TF so badly i just want to be able to look at an insignia without crying, or think of a flower meadow without my heart breaking, or listen to the 400 songs collecting dust on my TF playlist. my god there is so much music i miss, but every time i listen to a song on that playlist, my brain just associates it with my TF ships and then i miss them too badly and i cant enjoy the music for what it is. i have tried associating them with ken. i have tried associating them with barbie. it doesnt work. the furthest ive gotten is associating 7 out of 200 megakeri songs with patrickeri but !!! thats just!!! 7 songs!!! out of!!! two!!! hundred!!!!!
i dont know how to explain it to someone who doesnt get triggered but its literally like... spikes of adrenaline shooting through my body and making me shake every time i see something related to TF or even something that would remind me of a TF selfship i had. and my breathing either becomes very short or i just hold my breath entirely. and i start sweating and my body locks up and there's this urge to run, to hide, to call for help, but i cant do any of that, i just freeze up. and like lol thats so stupid bro. ill see a color and it triggers me, ill see a honeybee and i start crying, i see a flower meadow, or like. just. the word starlight. or hearing a song that reminds me of my TF ships. i miss them all so fucking badly. i see hailee steinfeld and it hurts so bad bc i loved her the most in the bumblebee movie, i loved charlie so dearly, she was one of my favorite main f/os years ago, now its like... i just have such a horrible horrible horrible association with charlie and bee and TF in general and i . dont know. how to reclaim that. and seeing them makes my body react like "you're gonna die holy shit" just automatically. immediately. i cannot control it. it just happens. it sucks.
steve blum hugged me so so so tight just days ago and said stsc would never hurt me. like three times. and that stsc misses me and loves me. growled it, as if stsc was truly enraged for being ripped away from me. and yet my brain is still like... numb. i watch the video with steve and im numb. he hugged me tightly and rubbed my back and, like, okay great i didnt have any "oh my god im gonna die" feelings when he was voicing stsc for me, but i was just... numb. totally shut down. i didnt expect seeing him again to fix me, but i was hoping so terribly that it would do something. anything. but i am tired of feeling this way and i want to try to do something about it even if theres almost nothing i can really do except try my fucking best one day at a time
i think one of my main problems is ive spent three years LOVING TF, feeling good with it, la la la. and then BAM about nine-ish months of being isolated with someone who ruined my fucking life. now spent about 16-ish months looking at TF whether it's a gifset or a photo or even just a flower that reminds me of a character or something, then having a trigger reaction where im crying/vomiting/hyperventilating, and then disengaging with TF entirely and spending days trying to come down from being triggered. for over a year, i have been unintentionaly training myself to believe i cannot look at TF. like. i am unable to ground myself when im triggered, i am supposed to say "ok im scared right now but he would never hurt me" or whatever. but i havent been able to do that, i just get triggered and immediately try to get away from whatever i saw that triggered me, and its wired my brain to believe TF is genuinely something to avoid.
i think i need to get into the habit of drawing myself with a TF character at least... once every two weeks. or once a week if i am able to. but i cannot just sit here, missing TF every day, get triggered if i see it, and then avoid it and then cry about avoiding it, and the cycle continues. i cannot keep fucking doing that. dude there has to be a way for me to fix myself. i need to train my brain to believe its gonna be ok even if it takes a long ass time. and then the next time i meet steve blum maybe ill feel? better? cmon, if the voice actor can hug me and say stsc would never hurt his little starflower and my brain doesnt believe that, then there is something else i gotta do. i cant just sit here and feel bad!!!! i have tried several forms of therapy and then i ran outta money, i have tried watching the shows but got a BAD reaction out of that, i tried commissioning ppl to draw myself with TF characters but it's done nothing but waste my money bc i cannot look at the pics, i have tried talking to friends about TF and associating it with them, but none of this shit has worked. but you know what did genuinely make me feel better back when this was really fresh? me drawing myself with TF characters and people commenting nice things about it. me posting drawings of me with stsc and people writing a nice tag or a nice comment. that helped the most. i need to get back into the habit of doing that even if i just get one (1) nice comment, i know it will make a difference. nice comments have always made a significant difference for me whether it's my inbox or dms or replies, any time someone shows me kindness, it helps a lot. and maybe if i just. keep. doing that. i can slowly but surely condition myself to believe again that im safe when i see TF. because i am. i am safe and i am loved and i am missed even if i dont believe that at ALL i know it's there even if i'm completely numb to it
my goal isnt even to hyperfixate on TF again. its to just... be indifferent to it, god that is the best case scenario for me right now, realistically. i just want to not be immediately triggered. i'll have reactions with ken or driver sometimes where i'm like "what if they hurt me" but that's not a trigger. i dont feel like im going to die when i look at them. but i feel like im going to die when i look at TF and im so sick of that. lol im done with that. fuck that. i shall take matters into my own hands. even if it takes years i am NOT giving up!!! no matter how many times i cry and scream and stress vomit and jolt awake from nightmares and make vent posts saying "its hopeless ill never ever ever reclaim them" i WILL fucking reclaim them i dont care if it takes me until im 90 years old!!!!!!!!! i hate living like this and i KNOW if i keep kicking and thrashing eventually something's gotta give. i cannot just lay here on the ground and cry. i gotta get up and scream the entire time and claw my way out of this deep dark depressing pit so i can eventually get out. what is that saying - fake it til you make it??? well ill keep drawing myself being so so so loved by these characters, and faking it until i finally fucking MAKE IT
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
ive had some shit on my mind recently that i wanna talk about
i said this on my priv twt but this is more of a proper, less nonsensical rewrite of that
mostly rambling, but this is kinda a mini-apology
so um.
i wanna apologize to anyone ive snapped at and i also wanna apologize for being so toxic and negative during my time in the fandom.
between the time i joined (late '21) and the time when shit went down (most of '22 and '23), i was in a really dark place mentally mainly due to other personal factors. chipspeech became my safespace really quickly. many of my negative thoughts were chucked onto my old twitter. if you stuck around with me back then, youll know what i mean.
on top of personal stuff, the shit that went down from march '22 to august '23 also has a lot to answer for
im not going into my whole story again (read this shit if you're THAT curious) but it fucked me up so badly that it made me so paranoid and irritable and so defensive of the fandom. it fucked up my trust in people, INCLUDING my trust in my friends as well :o[
the shit that happened made me form this whole savior mindset: i felt like i had to "save" the fandom from those people who fucked the fandom up + "fix" the damage they caused. it was just so fucking stressful and it was just complete mental torture for me. i constantly blamed myself for shit that happened.
most of this rage was me being salty that i'd never live the "good days" of the fandom ever again (for me, that was late '20 and late '21 - early '22).
i was just so DEDICATED to "protecting" the fandom that it fucked up my mental health so badly, making me even more angry and shit
i ranted about that group CONSTANTLY cuz i was scared history would repeat itself. the main thing i’d think was "if i left and moved on, who’d be there to keep her out??". i was just. so fucking scared!!!!!!!
the reason why im making this apology is cuz the other night, i just. completely lost it. i snapped at a friend over this shit and ive just been feeling really really awful about it ever since
most of my rage was redirected to a rant post i made but point is i snapped at someone
i wanna enjoy the fandom again like i was able to before but shit's been hard. finding out i was abused by her through a sockpuppet didnt help either.
i dont really know where to go from here but i really do wanna become a better person- someone who isnt constantly negative and snappy and sad all the time. someone who's able to enjoy their special interest and make the most of it. that will probably age really poorly and im really sorry if it does
this is probably the shittiest and emptiest apology ever and im mostly waffling on here but i really needed to get that out of my system ughhhhhh
i was really really really hesitant to post this but here we are
3 notes
·
View notes
Note
How'd you get with her at the time like just wondering cause they sound insane
i’ll be talking in past tense so i’ll be using she here (& i’m saying this bc i know my ex still would view my blog from time to time and at this point might be looking for anything to validate the image they’ve invented of me to look like a victim).
so i used to have this semi-popular tumblr blog and u just know from where i’m starting that this is not gonna go well. she thirst followed me & soon after i came out, she dmed me and got my skype. from the very beginning, i was told by her that she’s from monaco & a foster kid. as we got talking i learned more details.. in hindsight it’s just insane and all are red flags but i was 18 and trusting and naive. i learned that she was born and grew up in monaco, to a descendant of the monaco royal family and a non-royal woman. the prince father was abusive as fuck and did horrific unspeakable things and tried to murder the mother, and so ended up getting prosecuted for it or sth. the mom had so much trauma and had to get help and decided to give up all her kids & so they were separated and moved to diff countries in foster homes. my ex claimed to have stayed at so many horrific foster homes but one that stuck out to me was one with a son that held a knife to her throat and sexually abused her. again i want to emphasise, none of this actually happened. absolutely none of it. she also had this best friend from growing up in foster homes who she introduced me to. i was first asked to dm this friend bc she was feeling unwell and going to pass out & said friend basically said she was on the floor unconscious etc. this friend would msg me sometimes like omg what did u say to her she’s in shambles!!!! one time this friend said that she always writes about me in her diary and asked me if i wanna see. i was like ooooo i do want to see but that’s an invasion of privacy so maybe one day she’ll just show it to me herself. i dmed her after like omg u have a diary? and she snaps!! she’s like omg how do u know about my diary???! no one knows about my diary!!! and then the dramatics start. i’m suddenly in this drama over a diary, i didn’t even do anything wrong and i was basically being asked to reveal how ik about this dykery and i worried that my mistake of mentioning the diary would result in this close friendship between her & this fellow foster child ending. so instead i stayed quiet and was being emotionally manipulated and guilt tripped almost, for what??? absolutely nothing. literally nothing. the “friend” ended up confessing to her and said omg why is there so much hair on the floor of her bathroom 🥺 which would be like trying to tell me that she’s mentally distressed bc of this etc. just generally making me worry about her.
as mentioned earlier, it turned out none of that was true. that “friend” DIDNT EXIST, it was literally just her. emotionally manipulating me. for months.
i cut her off for around a year and then we’re talking again and for some dumb reason i forgave her, and then we were in a relationship for a year and a half. we met irl in the UK where i was studying at the time & she came to visit. ofc she was shitty in that relationship and ofc here we are 7 years later and she’s still being shitty to me despite me doing nothing to warrant it. in the end she decided she was soooo angry at me for daring to not want to be a punching bag forever that she decided to obsessively lie about me & my family for 5 whole years. the (recently) ex gf literally believed this whole new fake life my ex invented was true and was lied to for 3 years & i also found out about that recently too. it’s horrible
5 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
comptes-rendus-arthur
Comptes rendus
asianguysfantasy
AsianGuysFantasy
left-on-unread
• left on unread •
spongebob-timecards
The Blog Featuring Every SpongeBob Time Card Ever
