#and also maybe gender dysphoria????
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sometimes you rewatch lore and think “oh that was really good!!! i loved my acting, i think i embodied this character really well”
and then sometimes you rewatch lore and think “wow thats cringe”
#YKNOW#like i did lore with captain today#and people have been telling me i did a good job#BUT I SOUND SO CRINGE....#ive gotten better about not hating my voice recorded thanks to doing streams and editing but like....#this is Not It.....#and also maybe gender dysphoria????#which. ive never experienced#and isnt fun#so uh#dunno whats up with That lmao#its. eugh#vi rambles#its still SO WEIRD idk why i hate what i did today so much#maybe im tired#everyone else was so fucking amazing though <3#and i slayed a little bit i think#i slayed in THEORY but not like. not listening to myself again#does that make sense-
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I wish I could be agender the way Murderbot is agender. Right down to the lack of biological sexual characteristics. So agender that the term agender comes with too much associated gender to accurately apply. You know what I mean?
#help the dysphoria is kicking my ass again today and everything about me looks and feels wrong#demigirl still feels like it is applicable but also i wish i was more masculine but NOT in that way only THIS way#am i uncomfortable with my curves because of internalized fatphobia? because of the association with being feminine? both?#is it my actual curves themselves or is it the very reality of having a physical body that will be gendered some way no matter what i do?#i hate it I hate all of it#Murderbot#agender#gender#gender dysphoria#body dysphoria#dysphoria#fox thoughts#'maybe if i dress more masculine that will help'#nope no thats still leaning into gender#how do i do both at once so that they cancel each other out?#i don't want to be masculine but i don't want to be female lite™ either#I don't want to be perceived as having any gender at all and its not fucking possible#fuck i don't even want to deal with pronouns 80% of the time and i don't care for my name either#why does physically existing suck so bad sometimes#☉
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heres how t4t timkon can still win.
#rimi talks#every single timkon ive ever written is t4t and always will be. wahoo#take my hand. genderfluid transmasc tim and genderqueer nb kon. do you hear me#baby tim is closeted transmasc. teen tim is like im BINARY im MAN ONLY and in stringent denial of any dysphoria--#--around having more femme or agender days bc hes like no im clearly a GUY.#adult tim is genderfluid transmasc and finally comfortable in his own skin#meanwhile kon is assigned male at cadmus and doesnt start thinking harder abt it until his resurrection#at which point he gets a lot more introspective bc hes like. i was made to die saving the world and i DID so why am i back???#whats my actual purpose then?? what AM i ????#and the ''what am i?'' question leads to the queer realizations esp in the wake of his breakup with cassie#and he just slowly figures out feelings abt gender via learning fibercrafts and cooking and ''girl stuff'' from ma#hes like. well calling it all girl stuff is stereotyping i can be a boy who likes to make lace and decorate pies!!!!!#and hes not wrong he CAN. but also hmmmm actually maybe what if hes not. a boy.#do you hear me do you see the vision. i have thoughts
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how about you look at them because they are very cute
#dysphoria is killing me and the idea that people perceive me as a girl makes me want to die#but i'd fall in love with any man calling me by a fem term in a gay way#i'm doing very bad rn but i need to remind me that these ocs exist#and everything will get better#also yes Ambrose you could be his girlfriend#or his boyfriend or whatever#but you decided to not officialy date him and you're sooo stupid for that#:3#Olive's gender is like#or maybe that's mine teehee ^w^
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I think we can absolutely criticize how gender dysphoria is viewed and defined, but sometimes, I think people can swing too far in the other direction to say that gender dysphoria doesn't exist at all, or that anybody who claims to have gender dysphoria simply have internalized transphobia. I really don't think this is helpful to trans people who are dysphoric, and it really puts us in a shameful position wherein our feelings are deemed proof of being problematic or transphobic.
I absolutely don't think dysphoria is required whatsoever to be trans - I hope my blog has made this position clear. I just hate the way dysphoria is understood by cis doctors and medical professionals, who typically do not talk to or try to understand their dysphoric patients. I don't think the solution is to blame dysphoric trans people, though (or non-dysphoric trans people!). We didn't ask for the state of transphobic healthcare. We need to put the blame where it lies - with biased professionals who don't want to accurately understand dysphoria and how it can overlap with trans identity and the transphobic society many of us live in.
#trans#transgender#lgbt#lgbtq#ftm#mtf#nonbinary#transphobia#transphobia tw#dysphoria tw#i just wish people would be nuanced and maybe more compassionate about this#because this (like most other healthcare and mental wellness topics) are so fucking complex and nuanced#dysphoria is just as complex as any other healthcare need and i wish more people (doctors especially) actually understood that#because doctors seem to get when i say that depression has ruined my life because they understand depression a *tad* bit more...#...but when i talk about dysphoria and say it *destroyed* me? i'm suddenly a lab rat and they refuse to understand how i feel and why#also saying gender dysphoria isn't real isn't something only non-dysphoric trans people say...#...in fact i think they understand more about dysphoria than some cis people do...#...and i full-heartedly would support a trans person no matter what their dysphoria does or does not look like...#...because dysphoria is highly contextual and does not present the same and doesn't have to be present for someone to be trans...#...it's just that in my experience as a dysphoric trans person i've found that people aren't suddenly more supportive of me...#...and i really want to change how we talk about transness and dysphoria#i don't want to talk about non-dysphoric trans people like i know what it's like because that isn't my story...#...but i want to make it CLEAR that i will always want them in my trans spaces and that we *need* them in our community
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Show Pony is a Barbie <3
#show pony#ttlotfk#danger days: the true lives of the fabulous killjoys#danger days#danger days show pony#the true lives of the fabulous killjoys#my chemical romance#mcr#my posts#heck yeah#anyways they slay everything#also yes i stole their name and it's on my pronouns page#also yes i play them in a friend group rp server#i love them <3#they're my favorite ever#i wamma cosplay them so bad too#I've wanted to make their outfit since i first saw them in the music videos forever ago#i will do it one day#maybe with shorts tho cause gender dysphoria
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I’m in one of those very pred moods… I’m just really tired of this weak human body. I want to have claws and talons and fangs I can use to take what I want from any human I decide to prey upon. Sometimes, if I close my eyes and focus on my body, I can almost feel myself changing into something better…
I want to express my love with my teeth in their flesh. I want to taste blood and feel their weak limbs struggle in vain. I want to be assured of my supremacy over them but still give them all of my devotion and attention with the sharp parts of my body.
#like. FUCKKK. why can’t i just become a vampire already.#this shit would be so much easier if i were a vampire#am i getting monster dysphoria? maybe#as much as i love how my body is more feminine now i also want it to be monstrous#ig i can get into that later if i get inked up and piercings….#monsterfucker#monster gender
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#banana fish#yut lung lee#lee yut lung#im not going to explain myself. jk um yll's two looks are women's clothing and dysphoria sweaters#or at least like 80% of them#and when characters mistake yll for/compare yll to a woman there's zero pushback or correction#and yll talks about being girly on the inside too and just. idk ok#like no i dont want to compare yll to western gender standards but yll wears chinese women's clothing/hairstyles#it's not just different cultural standards it's intentionally wearing fem clothes from that culture#look maybe estrogen would give her something to live for idk#like all hcs i think there's a bunch of other ways to view yll's gender that are good but idk i like this one 👍#also to be so real i just hit characters i like with the transgenderfication beam a lot so#i think i saw a gimmick blog doing this question but uh. i dont feel like finding it and submitting sorry#hope its ok if me and the other like 40 bf fans on here have this one#thats so crazy i just noticed the color palette i chose.... more like blue lung lee am i right
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Hey so did anyone else grow up absolutely dreading that thing where teachers would pair kids up to take care of a doll? 'Cause just the idea of me pretending to be married with a kid made me want to throw up back then and it still does now. Thankfully they never made me do that, I probably would have had a full meltdown if they did.
Anyway, is this a form of dysphoria??
#not sure what to tag this#dysphoria#gender dysphoria#maybe???#i identify with my assigned pronouns#but the idea of being a mother is my worst nightmare#i only accept the title of 'mother' in relation to my cat#but thats obviously completely different#also going to tag#asexual#aroace#acespec#sex repulsed#cuz my fear of sex might be relevant here#and going to throw in#nonbinary#for good measure#peregrine op
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I have given up on gender I am.just non binary because like how am I sometimes agender and sometimes genderfluid
#mayve i am just genderfluid but with agender as one of my kinda options ?????#also i hate it when my dysphoria goes the other way occasionally it makes me feel like maybe im not trans#but like. idk i just have a weird gender thing
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I love getting myself into situations. My college’s theater is doing a duet roulette thing where you sign up and get assigned a random duet and find out who is singing the duet with you the night of the performance. And I signed up bc I like chaos and also attention and there was a bit where you could indicate your voice range and I said like oh I used to be an alto but I haven’t really sang since going on T so I’m not really sure what it’s like now.
Folks, they gave me a soprano part.
#I’ll be going down the octave probably#I’m a little annoyed not for gender reasons bc while I do prefer to play guys it’s not a dysphoria thing to play women#however I can’t hit those notes#I’m singing violets part in I will never leave you from sideshow for those curious#also is this partially on me for not learning my part until the day before maybe
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havin some imposter syndrome abt my gender
#what if im actually cis and I've just talked myself into thinking im nonbinary#what if i don't have gender dysphoria what if i just hate my body cause im fat#two of my siblings are also nb and i know. i KNOW. that there's no wrong way to be nb. but they just seem so much more nb than me#(is that bc they're skinny? maybe)#like. im not a girl but what if i secretly am and ive just deluded myself
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the way that i truly am just non-binary still... idk, surprises me? like, i forget that i am, so i have to remind myself that while i am trans, i'm not a man. at the same time, i'm not a woman. i'm just floating out as something else. something totally new.
but that's why it's so hard for me to affirm myself. there is no exact language to describe me that truly encapsulates my experiences. there's very little representation about what it means to be non-binary. it's why i think about it so much, it's why i fixate on it.
the world is extremely binary, and it's influence over my thoughts is still very strong, despite my gender identity.
it can be lonely. it can be confusing.
my bodily dysphoria is so strong but my social dysphoria is ten fold. to a vast majority of people they will never see me as non-binary no matter how many times i say it, and that haunts me.
i know not everyone will be able to instantly see me as my true self wherever i go and whoever i talk to, but the two binary genders are something that we are innately trained to recognise.
if a person recognises me as 1 or 2 and never 3 instantly, it feels. wrong.
why can't you see me as that? no matter how hard i try; why?
maybe HRT and top surgery will get me there, maybe, hopefully, one day. i want to be seen as androgynous, ambigious, first and foremost. someone who perfectly toes the line of masculinity and femininity. i feel like i am that as a person already but i just want people to be able to see that as soon as they see me.
but ultimately what i truly want is reformation of society. i want- no, need, trans acceptance, and abolishment of gender roles and heteropatriarchy. it's the only way i'll ever be able to thrive and feel comfortable. it's easy for you to people to see man and woman, but i wish it were different. i wish it were more that that.
i still haven't changed my name legally, or moved away from my family, so i'd say i'm in the worst of it. i'm just barely getting enough air to breathe. when i change my name, when i move out, when i go on HRT and get top surgery i will feel better.
but those systems put in place to hold up cisheteronormativity will still exist. i'm not sure how i will feel once i'm up to that point. i'll definitely have more air to breathe. but i can't even picture it right now. i'm still looking up from the well. why do i still have to endure more darkness once i'm fully free to be me?
i really hope for a day where that well won't exist and we'll be able to be on equal level a plain and open field. where we'll get to sit next to each other in the warm gaze of the sun, feeling loved, safe, protected and cared for. where we don't have to fight to exist and feel like ourselves. no conflict, no fighting, no hardship. just ourselves and the purity of it.
#non-binary#nonbinary#ugh. fucking. vent#dysphoria#i think what i also need to get over is my insecurity over being non-binary#specifically. feminine non-binary. it's still a whole process#because i experience such intense dysphoria over being percieved as female i want to just be so separate to any femininity#which is why i think 'maybe i'm just a trans man'#no. i know i'm not. my dysphoria is just so intense#i think when i pass as something other than female and i move out i'll feel a lot better about being non-binary#point is: i am definitely non-binary. i'm just extremely averse to being percieved as female while being feminine#WHICH IS A WHOLE OTHER BAG OF WORMS#I LIKE BEING FEMININE. IT'S WHO I AM. SO IS MY MASCULINITY#DOESN'T MEAN I AM A WOMAN OR A MAN THOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!#abolish gender roles rn i am SO serious#an aside: I’d rather we just not attribute gender or fem/masc to anything at all. please. just see me as me. not as a gender or signifiers
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i have spent over half my life suffering in silence with the only places i’ve been able to openly speak about my disorder being pro-ed forums and social media communities as a preteen. these communities form because there are no healthy alternatives because having an ed is so stigmatized by wider society and even by those who champion the importance of mental health as being something that is even too taboo to speak about plainly.
like why do you guys think places like myproana or skinny gossip or th!nspo tumblr or edtwt exist. it’s because all of you foster so much fucking hate for a loud minority of MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE mind you and think that them suffering for your own comfort is a better option than allowing them a place to speak about their struggles and feelings without automatically assuming that their intrusive thoughts are equal to their morals or actual feelings. maybe you are all the hateful evil people actually and not mentally ill teenage girls on tiktok who have only felt a sense of belonging and community with fatphobes because you isolated them. sorry!
#mycotxt#ed cw#Sorry i got a little madsauce#ftr and i hope this is obvious this doesn’t mean i think that all people w eds who say and do fatphobic shit are like#incapable of being criticized#in fact i think it is important to do that to break down a lot of the negative ways people w restrictive eds view like#Fatness or eating as an Indulgence and a lack of self control#But also when you say things like people with eds should suffer in silence you are also affecting fat people#Like non-restrictive eds exist#fat people with restrictive eds exist#and leaving them out of this conversation makes you look like a dickhead#Not everyone has an ed to Not Be Fat either like most people w eds have a lot of non-body image related triggers for them#like SA or gender dysphoria or lack of control in life or parental neglect#So maybe don’t be stupid for 5 seconds ok?
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I- uh- heheh….
Sometimes… you just gotta stick your comfort character in a pretty outfit, to get rid of all your troubles.
They’re at an awards show and won a fashion award and also had to show off one of the things he made-
Bonus (ft. Shinya progressively getting more and more infatuated with their spouse <3):
(And maybe also getting slowly more drunk as the awards show progresses- much to the amusement of their friends-)
You can pry genderfluid Tsunagu out of my cold dead hands- /lh
#bnha#eclair’s art#best jeanist#edgeshot#edgejeanist#hakamada tsunagu#kamihara shinya#bestshot#mha#what do you do when the Big Sad™️ and Gender Dysphoria is kicking your ass???#draw your fav comfort characters exuding more gender than you’ll ever have#it’s very therapeutic#but also#shinya is Tsunagu’s biggest hypeman#and vice versa of course#Tsunagu won an award and Shinya was cheering him on from the sides as they make a speech#please appreciate this I am very proud of the first drawing lmao/lh#and please note the piercings and tsus freckles……and heheh thigh heheheh#maybe I’ll draw Shinya’s outfit…….#he’s wearing smth Tsunagu made#mid mental breakdown eclair rlly was smth- first impulsively making a spice sideblog and now very clearly eheheuheeu 👀 tsunagu- like??? /lh#not mad bout it tho eheheh >:D
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(head in hands) man.
#i’m laying in bed trying to sleep but suddenly got the urge to look for that old render of crevan using warp.exe#but to find it i had to dig through my entire crevan tag and just#really hit me just How much i don’t like crevan sgkfgdsjfk#like not in a ‘aw man this voicebank could be so much better :(‘ kind of way#but in a ‘i am physically no longer the same person i was when i made her’ kind of way#in a ‘i don’t know if i ever really liked her or if she was just one big running bit i had because i was so scared of being cringe’#kind of way#because let’s be real#there are very few moments in that tag where i’m not purposefully distancing myself from the things i liked#and being unnecessarily mean and snarky instead so i’d somehow ‘be better’ for not ‘giving in’#whether to the temptation to be honest and genuine or the temptation to do the sorts of silly things i actually wanted to do#maybe a huge portion of it is also that i hadn’t figured out i was gay or trans yet#and felt the need to curate this horrible she/her creature to try to rectify the gender dysphoria i was feeling#but yeah#doesn’t feel great honestly#i love being open and kind and honest with what i love#and i don’t think i can ever really relate to crevan’s old ‘purposefully mean and cruel and antagonistic’ schtick#now that i’ve gone about that change#anyway sghlfsfjdg
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