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mysticalhouseofcards · 3 years

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✨🔮✨Bts romantic soulmates / future spouses current energy reading ✨

Hi guys 👋 I hope everyone is good 😊 I decided to do future spouses readings since all of the BTS members seems like they'll get married to their romantic soulmates except Namjoon who his romantic soulmate is a different person from his future spouse and that's why I did both romantic soulmate's and future spouse's current energy reading for him ! For those who haven't seen the pendulum reading about them getting married to their romantic soulmates click -> here

Kim Namjoon's

✨Romantic soulmate's reading✨

Current Energy

I got ✨Judgement ✨this card indicate taking responsibility for her actions and her life, being a good judge of character, seeing the truth and knowing what she wants. Judgement t card often shows up when you need to step up . It can also mean that she is getting out of a karmic circle and see more clearly around her , maybe her awakening has begun.

Hopes and Fears

I got ✨The Tower ✨This card shows me that she is afraid of the unknown , generally the feeling of being unsure and she's very much afraid that something will happen that will open old wounds of hers and that her life will get messed up once again .

How to Release

✨Page of Cups reversed ✨Reversed, this card could be advising to “get real.” She has to get her head out of the clouds and plant her feet firmly on the ground.Her emotions may be all over the place. She needs to do her best to practice emotional restraining.The Page of Cups reversed can also symbolize emotional immaturity , as advice, this card may be saying: time to grow up girl.She may also need to practice emotional detachment from a past situation.

Future

✨Page of Wands ✨With this card I'm seeing good news coming for her in the future through phone calls , emails , texts . They could be good news about any kind of situation . Also this card indicates being creative ,working on new ideas or projects with a lot of enthusiasm and passion , healed inner child and very playful attitude .

✨Future Spouse's reading✨

Current Energy

I got ✨Five of Pentacles✨,in a general context, the Five of Pentacles is not a great card to get as it represents hardship, rejection or a negative change in circumstances. She may be feeling like the world is against her and nothing is going her way. It can signify bad luck, struggles or adversity. Unemployment, alienation and poverty are all represented by this card and it can also signify health problems, breakups or scandals causing turmoil in her life. She might feeling like she's left out in the cold, but, she has to remember that this situation is only temporary and then ask herself if she's reaching out for any help or support that is available. There is help out there for her. It may be in the form of moral support from friends or family, financial assistance from social welfare, or even the kindness of strangers but whatever it is, she has to take it. Nothing lasts forever and this hardship too shall pass.

Hopes and Fears

✨Six of Cups reversed ✨ With this card I feel like she remembers past events of her life , maybe her childhood , some with nostalgia and some others with sadness . Maybe she didn't have the most easy childhood and there were moments that she needed to left her child self back and be more mature . As it seems she is being in a difficult situation at the moment so with this card I could say that she hopes to find help from her family and friends.

How to Release

I got ✨Strength ✨She has many challenges before her at the moment but she is more than ready to face them. She has to rely on her inner strength at this time and remain calm. She’ll master the situation she has to be brave! Her courage will see her through. She needs to take matters into her very capable hands. She has got the power to get this situation under control.

Future

✨Nine of Swords reversed ✨In a general context, the Nine of Swords reversed represents seeing the light at the end of the tunnel after dark times. When reversed, it is a card of recovering from depression or mental illness or issues improving, letting go of negativity, releasing stress and learning to cope. It signifies opening up, accepting help and facing life.

Kim Seokjin's

Current Energy

✨Two of Pentacles ✨In a general context, the Two of Pentacles can indicate that she is trying to find or maintain the balance between various areas of her life. This card represents the ups and downs of life and indicates that she is resourceful, adaptable and flexible enough to get through them. However, it can be a warning that trying to juggle too many things at once and not prioritising what is important can lead to failure and exhaustion. She has to try to evaluate where she's putting her energy and cut back on what is not necessary in order to maintain a balanced and happy life. The Two of Pentacles can also indicate that decisions need to be made and making these choices may be causing her stress. It can also signify partnership and the struggle to find the right balance between her needs and the needs of someone else.

Hopes and Fears

I got ✨Eight of Wands✨ This card shows me that she chose to see life with a positive and hopeful eyes and she hopes that everything she wants and have in mind can have progress and come to life . She feels very energetic , positive and enthusiastic about her ideas , she might plan to go on a travel . She is working very hard and she believes and hope that her hard work will be paying of and that she'll be ahead of the game . Although I am sensing all this positivity I think she's kind of afraid that she's becoming obsessed with someone or something.

How to Release

✨The Hanged Man reversed ✨ Let go is the advice this card gives . No one gets spiritual by hanging on to a situation or a person or an idea. Sometimes we need to let go.This card can also be suggesting learning to land on your own two feet. Have faith in herself.Instead of being still, the Hanged Man advises to take action. The time to wait is over now it’s time to move! If she has been making too many sacrifices, she has to stop. She doesn't have to be a martyr or a saint. It’s okay to put her needs first.

Future

I got ✨The King of Swords ✨ I'm seeing achievement, this tarot card denotes a professional who is at the top of their game (it seems like she'll get what she wants). She'll become someone who is an expert in their field and would have had to study to acquire this knowledge. She also may have plenty of practical experience in how to apply this knowledge in a very sophisticated manner till then .

Min Yoongi's

Current Energy

✨Two of Pentacles reversed ✨ In a general context, this card reversed can indicate that she biting off more than she can chew! She may be trying to keep too many balls in the air and finding it impossible to maintain the balance between the various areas of her life. This card also represents feeling overwhelmed,overextending herself and lack of organisation. Reversed can signify that she is making poor choices (I think that it's something that has to do with her career or future) because she is under pressure and may be getting herself into more of a mess than she needs to.

Hopes and Fears

I got ✨Judgement reversed ✨ I'm feeling like she is afraid of what others are or will be being overly judgemental or critical of her and her choices or maybe even blaming her for something that wasn’t her fault. This card can also mean that there are times she lets fear and self-doubt take control of her situation and that might happen because of bad past experiences she had .

How to Release

✨Temperance reversed ✨ This can be more of a warning than anything she might have allowed things to get out of hand or became a control freak ! Whatever it's happening in her life this card can be advicing her to get it together or chill the heck out.Temperance reversed can also suggest that it’s time to make a decision. She has to stop waffling on matters. Shit or get off the pot.

Future

✨Seven of Swords and Seven of Pentacles ✨ With Seven of Swords card I'm seeing her working hard and strategically towards her goals , that can also mean that she'll have to kind of trick some people but not in anyway to harm them in anyway (at least from the energies I'm getting). This card together with Seven of Pentacles tells me that her strategical way of thinking and hard work will pay off and she'll get the success she wants after feeling that her ideas /plans will never work and be patient for some time .

Jung Hoseok's

Current Energy

✨Ace of Wands reversed ✨In a general context, the Ace of Wands reversed represents delays, setbacks and disappointing news. When it's reversed indicates that she might does not have any “get up and go” in her at the moment as it represents lack of initiative,passion,assertiveness, energy, enthusiasm, motivation, & growth. She may be stopping herself from progressing or be slow and hesitant about starting or trying anything new. It can also represent creative blocks, wasted talent or potential and missed opportunities. She need to start taking the bull by the horns again. Alternatively, this card can indicate that she's so passionate, enthusiastic and motivated that she's a little too intense for some people to handle.

Hopes and Fears

With the ✨Four of Pentacles ✨ I'm getting that she may be afraid that she is holding onto things in an unhealthy, possessive, controlling or toxic way or someone may be holding onto her in such a manner. It can indicate that she need to establish your boundaries or respect the boundaries of other people. The Four of Pentacles can also indicate that she is afraid or gets stressed when there's a lack of openness, blocking or obstructing progress, keeping to herself or the others keeping to themselves or a sense of isolation in her relationships . It can also represent her fear of becomes greed, addicted to materialism and penny pinching.

How to Release

✨Justice reversed ✨This card tells her that it may be hard for her to see what way to go at this time. She has to hold off on making a decision and give herself more time to examine her options.

Future

✨The King of Swords reversed ✨ it seems like that if won't take the right decision about something her everyday life will become boring and she'll just have to follow a daily routine that won't make her happy . So at this time she has to think carefully with maturity and see her options carefully and when the time comes she'll be able to decide what is right for her and her future.

Park Jimin's

Current Energy

✨Ten of Wands✨This is the card for hard work and taking on more responsibility. She's trying not to lose sight of the bigger picture, and keep on remember why she is putting in all the efforts. She is feeling burned out and weight down. Ten of wands tarot card can also mean that she is unable to say no, and people are taking advantage of her.

Hopes and Fears

✨The Magician ✨She hopes that she has all the skills and abilities she need in order to be successful and that the universe is aligning to bring positive changes her way. This card also shows that she feels that she has to use her intellect, concentration and willpower to make things happen but she is afraid that she is not strong enough.

How to Release

✨Death reversed✨ She might thinking of making a change in an area of her life but this card reversed advices her not to rush because it may not be the right time for change. Perhaps she's not ready or the circumstances aren’t favorable at the moment. Whatever the case may be,she has to pause before taking action.This could also be pointing out resistance or fear blocking progress. If that is so, the advice it gives her is to confront those issues, even if only internally.

Future

✨Three of Wands reversed ✨Three of Wands tarot card reversed indicates that will be delays in rewards and payoffs in the future. The environment might get toxic which makes it hard for growth. People might not like what she is doing and try to put second thoughts in her mind so she should stay focus on her ideas and dreams and make them come to life .

Kim Taehyung's

Current Energy

✨Queen of Pentacles reversed ✨I feel like this girl has lost the balance of her life maybe in things that have to do with her work place or family but to be honest I'm getting family issues going on mostly. This card indicates poor taste and lack of sensitivity to other people’s needs. What she has experienced or she still is has made her to be someone who expects everyone to work as hard as she does and make the same practical choices. Queen of pentacles reversed denotes that she feels very insecure and has an inability to share with others her thoughts an feelings.

Hopes and Fears

✨Ten of Pentacles reversed ✨ Again with this card I'm seeing that something that has happened to her family is causing fear and great stress , maybe she is afraid that it will happen again , that she'll have to experience again the same challenges . Also I'm sensing that she might feel insecure on the financial part of her life , maybe she and her family are going through financial problems or she could possibly be worried about that she won't be able to pay for her responsibilities. Lastly feel that she might is stressed about something , she is feeling like she doesn't have enough time to do something and rush.

How to Release

✨Eight of Wands reversed ✨Slow down! is the message I'm getting for her, There is no need to rush at this time. She has to take time out to examine her plans.There is still work that left to be done before she can proceed. Go back to the drawing board and get that finished first.If she keep on trying to move things along too quickly, she may make critical mistakes. She has to watch her step and don’t be impulsive at this time.

Future

✨Ace of Cups ✨In a general context, the Ace of Cups signifies new beginnings, usually in terms of love, empathy, compassion and/or happiness. When this Minor Arcana card appears it indicates that you will be feeling happy, positive and good about yourself. Soon it will be a great time to begin new friendships and get out there and socialise. People will be very receptive, kind and friendly to her. It can also be an indication of good news, celebrations coming her way and getting back her creativity.

Two more cards fell while doing the reading for her so I think they have some messages or guidance for her ! The cards are Ace of Pentacles and the Chariot. ✨Ace of Pentacles ✨If she's asking about a potential investment, the Ace of Pentacles says: go for it! Same if she's inquiring about a new job, financial offer, or relationship. Aces are often an affirmative.This card can also advise to give as much as she can. Be generous.Check in with her values. What’s important to her? What matters? She has to let that lead her decisions.The right path is open to her now ,go forth with confidence.Give as well as she receives and vice versa.✨ The Chariot ✨This card tells her to take the reins in her hands and move forward with confidence, trusting that she will reach her destination. The key is to remain focused ,set her intention and direct her will , let nothing distract her until the goal has been accomplished.The Chariot also says: take charge! Assume a position of control. Lead, don’t follow.This card can also be suggesting a need for restraint or self control. If she wish to overcome a problem, she may need to apply greater self control.The Chariot also can advise leaving a situation. It may be time to move on and chart a different course. She has to put the past in her rear view mirror and look forward!Finally, this can also be a reminder for her to stay the course and do not get pulled in too many different directions. Move on. Her Victory is ahead and waiting for her in the future!

Jeon Jungkook's

Current Energy

✨King of Pentacles reversed ✨ King of pentacles tarot card reversed indicates being too conservative. King of pentacles reversed indicates difficulties in making the necessary changes. Falling behind is likely. King of pentacles reversed is likely to be a miser and a hoarder. This is someone who expects the best but lets others have the worst. Neglect of hygiene and poor health is indicated when King of pentacles shows up reversed. Her stubbornness and fear prevent positive change.

Hopes and Fears

✨The Hierophant ✨This card often denotes confusion about feelings because she feels that she needs to seek a deeper meaning in her life and this has priority over personal relationships , maybe that causes her stress. Also the Hierophant tarot card speaks of spiritual love and love that grows stronger with time. The Hierophant speaks of love that grows stronger by sharing a spiritual path maybe she's hopes that what she is feeling is true and at the same time she is afraid that she is depending on illusions.

How to Release

✨The Chariot ✨Like Taehyung's spouse she has to take the reins in her hands and move forward with confidence, trusting that she will reach her destination. The key is to remain focused. Set her intention and direct her will. Let nothing distract her until the goal has been accomplished.This card can also be suggesting a need for restraint or self control. If she wish to overcome a problem(maybe a phycological one or a past trauma), she may need to apply greater self control.The Chariot also can advise leaving a situation. It may be time for her to move on and chart a different course. Put the past in her rear view mirror and look forward!

Future

I got ✨King of Wands reversed and Five of Cups ✨In a general context, the King of Wands reversed can indicate that she'll lack the energy, experience or enthusiasm to accomplish what she has set out to achieve at this time. She'll be taking a back seat and will not being proactive in her life. She may feel that will not up to the task or won't be able to give away her power and setting a bad example for those who will look up to her. She may be worrying about other people’s opinion of her and she will may be afraid to be different or step outside of her comfort zone. She'll might also push people away from her and she'll end up feeling lonely. And that's something that the Five of Cups card comes to clarify here since the meaning of this card are the feeling of loneliness and disappointment (from the people she actually pushes away maybe unconsciously but she'll won't blame herself about it ). Lastly this card in a work-related situation that I feel like she already has some problems will worsen somehow!She'll might not be getting the recognition she deserve, or maybe even someone else is getting rewarded for her work and that will also make her feel disappointed and drained.

#Aria #kpop tarot blog #bts readings #bts romantic soulmates / future spouses current energy #current energy reading #bts soulmates #bts kpop #bts tarot

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nodusomnis · 4 years

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title: gacha puller pairing(s): tsukioka tsumugi & reader characters: tsukioka tsumugi, reader, settsu banri, chigasaki itaru, rurikawa yuki, sakisaka muku, nanao taichi synopsis: if Itaru has his own gacha puller, then you have your own as well. word count: 6.1k

"Ugh! No SSR again!" You yell in despair as you throw your hands up in the air while holding your phone in frustration.

You had pulled three times already for the new event that the game currently released, and yet you still haven't gotten the limited SSR of your favorite character that you've been waiting for. You did your best from delimiting yourself to pull for the other events for an entire month, albeit your hands were yearning to tap the pull button to get the new SSRs. It was an immense effort to forbear yourself, to be honest, considering the previous events were a tremendous temptation for you to manage.

Heeding your online friends getting the SSRs within that month made you envious and anxious about the fact you wanted to pull for the new cards as well. However, you impede and incessantly reminded yourself that the new card for your favorite character will be released in no time, so you need to be patient as they said: "Patience is Virtue." Nevertheless, you cling onto that famous phrase for you to prevent yourself from tapping that awfully tempting button.

What a drag.

"Sucks for you." Your head spontaneously whips at Itaru, sitting indolently on the couch across from you with the other lazyass, Banri.

"Shut up. I don't want to hear it from you. Your luck is much worse than mine, you know?" You sneer as you roll your eyes before flicking your gaze back on the screen of your phone to see the fodder cards you had obtained.

Just by viewing it, it utterly makes your head throb and puts you in a pit of misery. Banri and Itaru are minding their own businesses as per usual, for they had their own mobile games to play to even give you a scarce of their notice, particularly the salaryman who will never reel when he’s in his gamer mode.

You're the only one who doesn't play the games they are currently obsessing over since you're more into otome. Moreover, their games are beyond for you to grasp. Notably, you're not the type of a gamer akin to Itaru who will forsake sleep just for his one and only games. The way he lives his life is outrageously unhealthy, and you don't want to be sleep-deprived as you have other concerns to do as well in reality. As a university student, you need to prioritize your studies before entertainment as it was, by all means, your responsibility.

Since it was your day off today, you fritter away the responsibilities for now as you already completed the assignments you carry for this week.

Speaking of Itaru’s unhealthy habits, despite all of it, you do admit that you admired his obstinacy and perseverance when it comes to his games.

His devotion from staying in the top rankings and able to balance his work and entertainment had you respect the salaryman without any cynicism since, for you, it takes an amount of effort to segregate your attention to both states. However, the only thing you highly opposed about his commitment is him consuming a lot of money and not eating a decent meal during weekends as he would lock himself in his room for the whole day to play.

You never dared to enter his room since you know full well how he'd turn into a demon when someone disturbed him during his gaming bout.

He'd literally cuss at you, no doubt.

Not to mention, their games are not free to play friendly, which is why you never played the games with the two despite wanting to be part of their so-called co-op. It made you envious every time you will witness them being enthralled with clearing the dungeons and discussing their next quest. You'll lie to yourself if you say that you didn’t feel out of place in their conversations sometimes. Due to that, you did not disrupt the two, for you were aware that it will only hinder the momentum of their enthusiasm.

On the contrary, whenever you watched the two having a friendly game and seeing their triumphant faces when they won against some other teams was indeed a calming sight to observe. You would even notice yourself smiling along to their childish expressions, which was at first; you were bemused as to why, but shortly shrugged it off as you acknowledge that it was refreshing and a splendid view to behold. Though, sometimes, their effrontery they'd manifest will directly upend the sentiments you harbor for them.

"At least I got the new SSR yesterday," Itaru retorts, granting you a smug smirk, which causes your aggravation to develop and puff your cheeks.

"Yeah, right. A big thanks to Sakuya for pulling for you."

Banri sniggers upon hearing your response and leans his back on the couch, resting his arms on the backrest. "(Name)'s right, Itaru-san. You don't have the right to be priggish when you relied on Sakuya in the first place."

"Well, if you're in the level of desperation to get the SSR that you want, then you need to take drastic measures," he suggests to which you and Banri look at him in confusion with a tinge of curiosity.

"And that is?" Banri asks, and you only wait for Itaru to say his answer.

"Call for Sakuya and let him pull in your stead." Itaru exhibits a lopsided grin as he looks at you with a glint of persuasion and mischief behind those fuchsia irises of his. Hearing his outlandish suggestion earned him a groan from you and stomped your feet in distress.

This guy is seriously no-good when giving you advice. His reason only provides you nothing but a headache, and the faint light of hope you’re clinging onto is gradually quenching. You thought it would be something serious and beneficial, though you remember that in front of you is Itaru's switch off mode in which his princely appearance is out today, and his crappy personality will be served instead.

For that reason, you flash him a menacing glare, having the urge to grab his neck and strangle him to death, if only you had the courage to do so. Also, the director might get mad at you for diminishing their limited actors, albeit she’s a kind-hearted woman.

"Hell, no! Sakuya is your gacha puller, and there's no way I'll rely on your lucky charm—though I like him as an individual more than you, not gonna lie, no hard feelings. But seriously, your misfortune might be passed on me, so no thanks."

Banri bursts out a laugh once you say your retort, and even slapping his thighs so hard. While Itaru only stares at you with an incredulous face and instantly shifts to a feigned dejected mien.

"You're still headstrong in spite of being in a dire situation," he says matter-of-factly as he dismissively gestures his hand.

"It's because I have pride in me."

"Then that pride of yours must be discarded right now. It's not needed in this kind of circumstance."

"Ah, you're the only one who has the ability to do that, Itaru-san."

Your reply prompts the side of his lips to curve upwards, presenting you a boyish smirk on his handsome profile. The kind of smirk that will make girls' hearts skip a beat and fall for his charm, submitting themselves like he was a king who needs to be revered and would comply with his orders with no abstinence.

A relief sigh escapes your lips, knowing that you have the immunization to his charismatic façade and his princely appearance. Therefore, you needn't worry about being caught in his trap and wrapped you around his fingers with ease.

"I can't deny that since it's an irrefutable truth."

"You seemed to be proud."

Itaru lowly chuckles. "Of course, there's no room for me to degrade myself right now, won’t I?"

"You're seriously impossible." You sway your head in defeat as you are aware that debating with him is insignificant, so you ignored him completely.

You return your eyesight to your phone and find out that you still have two pulls left for you to get the new SSR. The frustration that temporarily quenched—thanks to Itaru��s sudden disruption—has now enkindled once again. You don't know if you should try to buy crystals if you didn't get it, but if you did buy them, then you’ll have insufficient money to sustain your future necessities, considering you’re a university student.

More importantly, there are tons of projects that will be given by the teachers this month, considering the first semester is about to end. In spite of having a part-time job, it’s inadequate to provide your simple living. It will be impertinent if you’ll rely on the company. There’s no question that Sakyo will scold you for hours and give you a mindful lecture about how to save money and blah blah blah.

That’s the last thing you ever wanted to occur. You don’t want to confront the cheapskate yakuza.

The dreading thoughts that are consuming your mind cause you to bite the inside of your cheeks in frustration. Temptation and the desire are crashing in your entire being like tidal waves, furnishing you a hard time to choose what decision you need to take. Preventing yourself from detaching yourself with desires is not smooth, like how you’d roast Itaru through words. After all, you’re just a humble human being.

Your only option is to rely on your luck, but the gut feeling crawling in the pit of your stomach tells you nothing but anguish from the outcome.

Ugh. This is seriously frustrating the hell out of you! You feel like you wanted to pull your hair out of your head.

You inhale an amount of breath to appease yourself. There’s no time for you to freak out in this urgent matter. You just need to determine what the best course of action is. You lift your chin to glance at the two gamers, having a sweet time communicating to themselves as though they are devoid of any dilemmas.

Their ignorance of your current lamentation and have the tendency to be merry is insulting on your part. Well, they are not the ones to blame for your hopeless situation since it’s your game. Besides, comforting someone due to some minor matter isn’t something to give notice. There are lots of controversies happening to the world that must be given complete attention to instead.

This is just a game. If you’re going to borrow Sakyo’s philosophy, then it wouldn’t be hard for you to decide. But to your dismay, you aren’t Sakyo.

Your mind drifts to Itaru’s suggestion earlier, trying to deliberate whether you should really rely on Sakuya this time. Do you really have to break your pride on the pretext of getting the SSR that you really desire?

No. There must be some other method to be considered. There’s no need for you to tarnish the pride you have confidence in.

Dwelling over the matter for a minute, the chatter of the two falls deaf in your ears like you’re being drowned under the sea. You’re too occupied with contemplating your next options to even give your half attention to the two. Once you had finally searched a good idea in the depths of your brain as if you did your utmost best to squeeze, just for you to find one due to the desperation to free from the shackles of your own hopelessness.

“The once dead fish eyes are now sparkling with hope. I hate that look,” Itaru comments once he took a glimpse at your way, which Banri also confers his attention to you.

“You’re so immature, dude.” Banri sweat drops yet ignores the adult beside him to ask your sudden enlightened face. “Don’t tell me that you finally got the SSR that you wanted?”

“Nope!” You chirp, making the two bewildered at the use of your tone, albeit you haven’t yet completed your mission of acquiring your deepest desire.

“Then why do you look so happy?”

Your smile stretches upon Itaru’s query. “I’ve got a plan of how I’ll get my favorite character.”

The two gamers exchange looks for a brief second before turning to you.

“How?”

A sing-song hum flows through your throat, and subsequently, answers Banri’s question. “I will find my own gacha puller!”

Upon hearing your response, the two were taken aback and rendered them mute, trying to digest the words you spouted in their brain, especially Itaru, who suggested not too long ago about relying on his gacha puller.

“What? So, you’re going to mimic my strategy, too?” The salaryman scoffs, and you roll your eyes at him.

“For your information, you’re not the only person who has a gacha puller. Self-proclaiming won’t get you anywhere.”

“When did I say that?” You ignored his question.

“If I’m going to search for my gacha puller, it has to be like Sakuya. Innocent and not corrupted like someone here.”

“Oi, you’re pertaining to me, aren’t you?”

“I kinda’ know where you’re getting from,” Banri says.

“Are the two of you gonna ignore the lonely salaryman here?” Itaru feigns a crestfallen expression and voice bound with a melancholic tone.

You snap your head at the whining man. “Shut up, Itaru-san. You’re being a nuisance.”

“Ouch.” You continue to ignore him as Banri shows a sympathetic look before returning his gaze on you, whose two fingers pressed against your chin, thinking who will be the perfect candidate for your gacha puller.

“Well, if we’re talking about innocent people here, then it’s either Muku or Taichi,” Banri suggests, stopping you from your tracks and peer at him.

“I agree with Muku, but I’m having doubts for Taichi,” you say with uncertainty to which Banri creases his eyebrows.

“Why’d you have doubts about our member, huh? He’s actually innocent rather than Hyodo,” he spats Juza’s name with virulence while brandishing a sour look on his visage.

“Why are you involving Juza in our conversation? You seemed attached to him, don’t you?”

Itaru snickers at your counter, and Banri, in a flash, shoot him a scowl before facing you. “Huh?! Who you’re talking to?”

“Whatever. You’re still in the denial stage, so let’s throw this off-topic aside. ”Your voice is as cold as the snow, face woven with indifference as you’re not here to discuss Banri's rants about his teammate. Seeing them bickering on a daily basis had you tired from always hearing the two autumn troupe members. That is enough. You don’t want to add it further.

“I’m still talking!”

“Anyway, Muku can be one of my gacha pullers, but it feels there’s someone who we’re still forgetting. Do you know who they might be?” You question the two. Banri’s irritated face has yet to fade, bestowing you a huff before rolling his eyes.

What an attitude man.

“She totally ignored you,” Itaru taunts, causing the young gamer to release a scoff.

“Shut up, itaru-san,” Banri grumbles. “I don’t know who you’re talkin’ about. Why don’t ya use your pretty little head to find it out?”

“I suggest that you should find someone devoid of desires. But I’m afraid it’ll be hard for you to search for one since humans are inundated with unlimited desires. Ah, I’m fortunate to have met Sakuya. It must be fate.” Itaru’s grinning from ear-to-ear, looking at you tauntingly as if looking down at you for being an unfortunate soul.

You repress yourself from lurching at the man just to wipe that shit-eating grin of his. It’s pissing you off. His face is infuriating.

“I’ll slap you if you’re going to rile me up. And I’m not kidding,” you threaten with venom in your speech. Itaru can even witness how your face darkens as though he’s in a thriller game about to get killed by you. It was enough for the gamer to hold his hands up, and motions his hand as though he’s waving a white flag at you, an indication of surrender.

“Please, spare me.”

“Should I go for Muku?” Is your immediate question, leaving the two lazyasses to shrug their shoulders in sync.

“Go ahead. It’s not our game after all—urk!” Banri’s sentence was cut off when you suddenly charged at him and grabbed his collar, pulling his face closer to yours.

“Hey, I’m asking for a genuine reply here, you bastard. Don’t give me a half-assed answer if you don’t want me to shove a pipe in your asshole.” Banri feels the sweat on his forehead begins to form and breathe hitches upon the proximity of your faces. His ocean blue eyes stare into yours, looking at him so precariously as though you won’t have second thoughts of granting him an abominable experience. Additionally, the way how baritone your voice was, so low and threatening that didn’t miss to send shivers down his spine.

He isn’t informed that you can be this terrifying and manifest this kind of appearance.

Even Itaru was speechless to say anything at this moment. He only watches his player two getting dominated by you, hovering the poor high schooler while your faces were only inches apart. Banri hasn’t responded anything yet and remained still in his spot. Itaru chooses not to step in between you two since it will be a red flag for him if he does. He has no qualms that he’s gonna receive your lethal glower, and Banri’s position might be switched to him.

So nope. He’s just going to send F to Banri on LIME later.

“I’m home.”

Your treacherous character dissolves in a heartbeat once the familiar gentle, and silken voice of the winter troupe’s leader meddled in your ears. Without wasting a second, you hop off of Banri to face Tsumugi with a sweet smile and amiable appearance as though nothing vexatious had happened.

“Welcome home, Tsumugi-san!” You greet him with life and skips to the man to welcome him.

“It’s amazing how her behavior alters in just a spur second,” Itaru comments, only for Banri to hear.

“I can even see flowers surrounding her face when confronting Tsumugi-san.” The poor boy, who just recently received your murderous intent, was in disbelief to see your cheery face at the winter troupe’s leader. There’s no trace of deadly appearance on you like how you gave him only a little while ago. It seems that all of it was a mere illusion once you confront Tsumugi.

“Oh? Why are the three of you gathered here? It’s rare to see you in the lounge around this hour,” he says as soon as he enters.

“We’re talking about some game-related stuff. So, how’s tutoring your tutee, Tsumugi-san?” you ask him with your full attention. And the said guy gives you his immediate answer.

“He has issues with memorizing, but I know he’s going to be fine once we continued practicing his memorization skills. It will take time for him, but it's better if we worked on it now rather than sooner. He’s a great student, I dare say.”

You couldn’t help but smile at how he really gives his full effort on tutoring his student, added by how supportive he was. It’s already apparent at the way he’s helping the high schoolers in this company during his spare time. And even he returned home after tutoring one of his tutees, if there’s someone who is in need of his assistance, he won’t have second thoughts to help them out.

You certainly admire and respect this man in front of you. He’s an actual angel.

“You’re really nice, Tsumugi-san. I can’t help but admire you even more,” you say straightforwardly, which causes the apple of his cheeks to sprinkle with red hues.

“E-Eh, is that so? T-Thank you, I guess?” You chuckle at the way he stumbled on his words. It’s so typical of Tsumugi to do that. He’s not used to receiving such compliments, albeit he definitely deserves it.

Tsumugi regains his composure and begins to ask you. “Anyway, what about the game you’re talking about? I know I’m not good with games, but I can lend you an ear if you have any troubles.”

You feel your heart warm after he says those words. Words that are enough for the misery you felt to evaporate and give you the slightest hope in your darkest day. His concern toward you surely touched you. Not like those two lazyasses still sitting on the couch, can’t even have a mere sympathy for you. Sigh.

“Now that you mentioned it,” you trail off, recollecting the circumstance you’re in, a good idea suddenly emerges in your brain as you look at the tutor. If it’s Tsumugi, it’s worth the risk. Also, you won’t know until you try. “Can you pull in my stead, Tsumugi-san?”

Your query generates him to be baffled, tilting his head to the side as he casts his eyes upon the phone you are lending. He doesn’t know what you’re talking about but takes the gadget from your hand regardless.

The winter troupe leader peeks at your phone’s screen, only to find out different guy characters showing on the screen. He has no idea what kind of game you’re playing, but he is certain that this type of genre is exclusive for girls.

“Which button should I tap?” You peek at your phone.

“The one that said roll ten times.”

When Tsumugi heard you as clear as day, he leads his pointer to the button you wanted him to press. He takes a glimpse at your face, eyes filled with anticipation and plead, eyebrows knit together while your lips tremble lest for the upshot of his aid. His apprehension solely expands as he hasn’t had the slightest inkling of what is happening for you to present such expression.

Further, he hasn’t yet to inquire about the whole matter. However, relying on him for your game had his stomach twist unpleasantly. Beads of sweat start to dribble down his nape, knowing full well that it’s something important to you. Hence, entrusting him with it seems that he is carrying a huge responsibility on his shoulders, similar to his troupe’s debut show. And for some reason, it appears that your anxiety has transported to him as well.

Tsumugi was too immersed in his thoughts to even lay his attention on the phone he’s holding. His gaze fixated on yours had yet to avert for just a little second. As he stares at you, the expression you showed a second ago has altered to a shock one and immediately tilts your head upwards to face him with eyes gleaming with rapture.

“T-Tsumugi-san…” you mutter, voice tied with disbelief.

Your reaction confuses him. That’s why he attempts to glance at your phone. But before he can even land his sight on it, you abruptly release a squeal while leaping in joy. And this causes the two men sitting on the couch to flinch once they hear your energetic voice.

He doesn’t know what happened, but he deemed that he did a good job. Your phone is still in his hand, literally forgotten to hand it to you back as his awareness is concentrated on yours, cheering like a little kid who just received a gift from her parents. With you being like that, he’s inclined not to interrupt your happiness and let you celebrate as long as you want.

Tsumugi couldn’t refrain himself from smiling at the sight since your mood is indeed entertaining and contagious for him not to.

“Well, we already know what the conclusion is,” Banri suddenly speaks while taking a side glance at Itaru.

“If I only knew that Tsumugi has this luck with gachas, then retreating to have him pull for me before was absolutely a bad decision of mine.” Itaru huffs, slumping his back against the backrest, feeling dejected upon recalling the day he mentioned. He sure does regret it, not gonna lie.

“You did? Condolence for you, man,” Banri nonchalantly responds.

“I can’t feel any sympathy from you.”

After many seconds of celebrating, you swiftly spin your body to confront Tsumugi with a wide grin. “Tsumugi-san, thank you so much!”

Due to the overwhelming emotions swelling you to the brim, you throw your arms around him, embracing the man with delight without any warnings. Your abrupt action had the leader to be caught off guard, and a faint blush instantly crept up to his cheeks. His muscles all over his body freeze, seemingly like steel that couldn’t be bent due to how stiff he is right this instant.

This kind of skinship makes him uncomfortable and embarrassed as he had never done it outside of his family, especially to the opposite gender since he knew full well how it’d cross the boundary between the parties involved. It’s not like he doesn’t like to be hugged by you. It’s just; it was so sudden that his coherence had flown away from him.

Tsumugi’s heart races alike when he’s having a morning jog with Tasuku. He couldn’t move a single inch as he’s yet stunned at the current situation. Fortunately, he didn’t loosen his grasp on your phone despite his astonishment.

Tsumugi only has the chance to relax when you retract your body from him, but your hands are still holding his arms.

“You really made my day! I was about to lose hope because I already spent two-thousand crystals, and yet I still haven’t acquired my favorite character,” you gloomily say as you gaze down to show how afflicted you are for your misfortune. But eventually rearranges to a merry mien after looking back at him. “But because of you, my hope has recovered once again! You are the light in my darkest time, Tsumugi-san! I really owe you!”

Tsumugi’s heart has yet to recover from beating vigorously, and here you are only supplementing it more. Your choice of words sure does make him flustered as though his face is gonna explode at any given moment.

“Y-You’re exaggerating. I’m not similar to what you think of me… Also, I’m just lucky enough to get your favorite character,” he bashfully says while avoiding his gaze.

“Even if you say that my opinion of you will never change. Just so you know, your presence around always makes me calm and wash away my troubles in the meantime. Well, I don’t know why I feel that way, but one thing’s for sure, it’s because of your gentle trait and artlessness that makes my chaotic mind to pacify from creating a storm. It really helped me a lot during the time of my crisis due to school work and job. Your aura is a good influence here in the dorm, especially everything’s a mess here. So why don’t you take the credit for yourself this time? You need it sometimes, and you really deserve it.”

You flash him a toothy grin, a perfect time where he peers at you again. Beholding your bright smile that is free from any malice, like the sun rays illuminating the dark places, he couldn’t have the chance to give you a response as it’s keeping him arrested from uttering a word. On top of it all, your disclosure of the way you see him has rendered him speechless, and his ears are starting to burn up.

“Anyway, you have my sincerest and deepest gratitude. I owe you this time. Can I take my phone back?” you ask, which returns him to his senses.

“Oh, right. Here you go.”

Taking your phone, you take a glimpse at the cards that he pulled for you. Seeing the SSR you’ve been desperate to get already came home. You couldn’t restrict yourself from grinning broadly, and the wave of ecstasy crawls to your system.

Relying on Tsumugi was the best decision you ever made!

“Hey, you lazyasses! I finally got the SSR that I want!” You enthuse.

Banri was the first one to comment. “Yeah, yeah. Thanks to Tsumugi-san.”

“Good for you. Not only did you acquire the SSR, but you also found your own gacha puller.”

Upon hearing Itaru’s statement, an idea instantly pops in your mind, which causes you to whip your head at Tsumugi, who’s looking at you with a questioning gaze.

“Hey, Tsumugi-san,” you drawl his name, almost cooing. “Can you give me the honor of being my gacha puller?”

Hearing your question and the way you look at him with puppy eyes prompts him to blink his eyes in confusion, specifically to the word he hasn’t yet encountered.

Is that a slang word for games? Also, why are you looking at him like that?

“Why does it seem like (Name)’s proposing to him?” Banri utters while watching you with a weird look.

Itaru evokes a scoff. “Maybe she is.”

“You kiddin' me, right?” Itaru only shrugs his shoulders as his response to the autumn leader before returning his attention to you and Tsumugi.

The tutor doesn’t know what could be his answer to your offer just now. You’re still staring at him with hopeful eyes, seemingly glimmering under the lights of the lounge. Tsumugi feels a sweat dribbling down his temples as he’s getting self-conscious by the seconds you keep on staring at him with gravity.

Before he speaks, he gulps first to hydrate his almost dry throat to prevent him from stuttering.

“W-What do you mean by gacha puller?”

Well, so much for not stuttering. He sighs mentally.

“Oh, just like what you did earlier. You’re only going to pull for me to get the SSRs that I want. I don’t have luck like yours, but Itaru-san’s luck is much worse than I am, though.”

Itaru reflexively reacts upon the mention of his name. “Oi, why did I suddenly get involved in this? I’m not doing anything to you. That’s BM.”

Tsumugi sweat drops at Itaru’s retort and sheepishly laughs, knowing the two of you are glaring at each other that he can even see an invisible line of electricity through your gazes. In order for both of you to stop, he decides to meddle to change the atmosphere that is starting to surround the lounge, and before the situation gets worse.

“If that’s the only terms and conditions, then I wouldn’t mind.” In a spur second, you snap your head at him, and the antagonistic face you display for the gamer vanishes in a jiffy when you confront him.

“Really?!” You exclaim with a broad smile.

Tsumugi nods, smiling as well. “Yeah, I don’t mind. If it will make you happy, then I’ll offer you my assistance.”

The leader stumbles when you suddenly leaped in joy and hugged him with enthusiasm. This causes his face to flare again as he didn’t expect that he’ll be embraced by you two times in a row. But what makes his face to sharpen its red color is when the three words that slipped from your lips.

“I love you, Tsumugi-san! You’re the best!”

It seems that the cogs of his brain have stopped as though something had blocked its operation. His eyes grow wide like saucers as he hadn’t foreseen of you to blurt out such a thing. Tsumugi strives to second-guess. Perhaps, the meaning of your words is just a simple expression to imply how happy and grateful you are for him to accept your request. However, in the deepest corner of his brain tells him otherwise, and that alone only adds the saturation of his red face.

The two gamers who witnessed the scene solely stare at you both with shock evident in their profiles. They couldn’t follow if it’s just the same as to how Tsumugi sees it, or you accidentally confessed to him because of your overwhelming emotions that you couldn't contain. But they couldn’t even recall a time where there’s a sign of you liking the winter troupe leader. There is a high possibility that you’re hiding your feelings that you slipped it out, out of the blue. If it does, then you sure are damn good.

The lounge is crackling with awkwardness, and it didn’t go unnoticed by you of how the silence erupts inside. When you assimilate the situation and the words you had blurted just now, it was enough for you to release yourself from Tsumugi with so much haste that you even toppled on your feet.

You lift your chin up to face the leader, whose face is in a bright shade of red and had never seen him looking at you with such big eyes as though accusing you with something in which he is confident that you are the culprit.

Oh gosh, you said something you shouldn’t have. You can be an idiot sometimes.

Now, you don’t know how you’ll get away from this awkward tension. Your face is heating up as the seconds' tick, and the stares of the three seem like melting you slowly. The embarrassment you had induced to yourself makes you want to dig a hole and put your head inside like an ostrich, rejecting to face reality. Noticing Tsumugi’s flustered visage didn’t help you to soothe yourself even for just a brief moment. Instead, it gives you more a reason to faint at this current moment.

“I-I…” you stammer, trying to find an excuse to defend yourself. However, your brain isn’t cooperating with you in this predicament, for it’s in turmoil to even go back to its coherence. Your head is becoming fuzzy, thanks to the shame that’s eating you alive. Most importantly, it appears to be your body has been frozen, obstructing you from running away just as you want to.

“We’re home!” The new voice that emerges from the front door snaps you all back to your senses and turn your heads where the others are.

The shuffling sounds and footsteps are heading to your way. You assure that the voice you recently heard is Taichi’s, and you heard Muku and Yuki’s voice as well. Once the trio enters the lounge, they instantly greet you all.

“We’re back,” Yuki says nonchalantly, facing the two gamers before shifting to you and Tsumugi.

“What are you all gathered here for?” Taichi’s inquiry causes Itaru and Banri to cast their eyes upon you, and that action had Muku to be baffled and look at you as well.

Both of your faces are red, and it’s not that difficult for the three to notice the awkward atmosphere between you and the winter troupe leader.

“Eh, why are your faces red?” Taichi suddenly asks to which you flinch in your spot and frantically shakes your head.

“I-It is? It’s because the w-weather is hot for me to handle, so that’s why,” you awkwardly laugh while scratching the back of your head. “Oh, it’s already six. I need to go back to my room to do my homework! Well, see you all around! And by the way, welcome home, you three!” After you bid your goodbye, you dash away from the lounge, like a speed of light.

The students who just arrived simply display a confounded expression, and discerns the way you’re being frantic as though you’re in a hurry.

“So, why’s the acting nerd blushing?” Yuki blurts, intensely scrutinizing the said man.

Hearing Yuki’s question earns his attention and shakes his head violently, similar to what you did earlier. “E-Eh? I-It’s nothing serious…”

His answer hadn’t convinced the designer, but instead, it only ignites his suspicions toward the flustered tutor.

“Oi, elite swindler, and neo gangster, did something happen while we were away?”

“Perhaps, it’s time for me to tend the flowers. I-I’ll see you all later…” Tsumugi says with a trace of timidity in his voice, eluding the question that may pass onto him soon. And afterward, he struts away from the place before going to the courtyard to look at the flowerbeds.

The ones who are left in the lounge just watch him until his figure disappears in their sight.

“So, what happened?” Yuki interrogates. The two gamers sitting on the couch steal glances at each other before Banri shrugs his shoulders.

“Well, it’s not our place to tell you that.”

“Eh?! What, why?! Is it some scoop the reason why you aren’t sharing it with us?!” Taichi exclaimed, causing the pink-haired boy to blush upon imagining something intimate.

“W-What if they accidentally kissed, that’s why they are blushing like that?! It’s like a scene from a shoujo manga. T-Then, after that incident, it will make the two slowly fall in love with each other!”

“N-No way!”

“Calm down, you two,” Yuki elicits a sigh as the two starts to become engrossed in their own world.

Banri and Itaru laugh at Muku’s presumption. In spite of acquiring your own gacha puller, there’s still a consequence for you to get what you desire. And that is embarrassing yourself in front of the known angel of the winter troupe.

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rachelbethhines · 4 years

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Tangled Salt Marathon - Rapunzel and the Great Tree Part 2

Continuing on with the midseason finale of season two.

Part 1 is here https://rachelbethhines.tumblr.com/post/628826170657570816/tangled-salt-marathon-rapunzel-and-the-great

Summary: After Adira saves Rapunzel and the group from the hurt incarnation, Cassandra makes her suspicions of Adira known which causes a falling out between her and Rapunzel. Meanwhile Hector uses the dormant power of the tree to try and attack everyone.

Cassandra’s Motivation Doesn’t Aline With Her Later Actions

If you’re going to have a character do a complete 180 from her original goal, than you need a better reason than just mommy issues; or validation issues, or career problems, or just simply having a falling out, or jealousy, or a ghost girl whispering in your ear, or whatever the fuck they’re trying to do with Cassandra.

Going from ‘protect’ to ‘murder’ is a huge moral alignment shift that needed clear and reasonable justification. Cassandra is never given that. Instead they just throw everything at the wall that they can think of in the hope that something sticks.

Only it never does because her original story was re-written at the last minute.

Well That Was Pointless

Max and Pascal wind up saving Eugene and Lance from the man eating plant. Which adds nothing to the story. It happens and is then never brought up again. It’s just an excuse to write Eugene out of the Cass and Raps conflict and not an extension of either his or Lance’s own narratives.

That’s a problem, because Eugene should be a main character and Lance an important supporting side character. Instead Eugene is regulated to side character status while Lance is unimportant comic relief. Not only does this ignore that fact that Eugene was the protagonist of the movie same as Rapunzel, but it also ignores the basic writing rule of ‘don’t add in characters who don’t serve a purpose in the story’.

Adira Just Saved All of Your Asses, Cass

Boy does Adira put up with a lot of bullshit in this show, and 90% of it comes from Cass being a little bitch.

She has no biases for this argument. Adira hasn’t done anything to warrant this accusation. In fact she’s proven herself time and time again only for Cass to lash out like a spoilt teenager with an inferiority complex.

And Cassandra is 23!!!

The young adults on this show are constantly written like pre-teens while the only actual teenager is constantly forced to be the most mature person in the show.

It’s mind boggling.

Rapunzel is In the Right Here, But the Show Wants Us to Sympathize with Cass Instead?

Oh No! Raps raised her voice at Cassandra and made her feel bad, you guys. Feel sorry for the poor paranoid baby who who’s acting like a jealous brat for no reason.

Bull Shit.

Cassandra not only has nothing to back up her accusation but the narrative never goes on to prove her right either. Adria is on the up and up, and always had been according to Destinies Collide. For all the show’s efforts to make Cass seem reasonable by having Adira mysteriously pop in and out, it all falls flat once you know where everything is heading.

Plus, even if she were magically right about Adira that wouldn’t excuse her bossing Rapunzel around and insulting her intelligence. Had she done that to me I’d be telling her something a lot harsher than just to knock it off.

Oh, But I Thought You Said Flashbacks to Corona Would Be Too Confusing?

So one of the writers, Ricky, has gone on record stating that they did originally have plans to show flashbacks to Corona to show what was going on with Rapunzel’s parents, Varian, and the Saporians. He then said they dropped them because they feared that it would be too confusing for the audience.

Yet we get this pointless scene thrown into the middle of the mid-season finale.

And by the looks of it it’s before even Beginnings, or maybe after Beginnings, who knows; so it’s not just a change of scene, it’s also a change in time as well. A point in the timeline that’s not been firmly established enough. So it not only has less reasons to exist then a Varian flashback would, but it’s also potentially more confusing than what a simple single episode set in Corona would have been.

I don’t know who to blame for this poor decision making, if it’s just Chris, Chris and Ben, or a shared blame with all of the writers, but while the buck does stop with Chris, much of what Ricky has said online doesn’t reflect very well on his writing skills. Cause that’s a huge and utter bullshit excuse.

So What Does This Add, Exactly?

Cass gives Rapunzel this purse as a gift. A purse that’s not been shown to be all that important before and isn’t made significant again. Then Raps launches into this speech about how good a friend Cass is and how lost she’d be without her.

I understand what the thought process for this was; it’s to show how far Raps and Cass have grown apart recently and what Cassandra herself liked about being friends with Rapunzel to being with, which was the validation boost of being useful and needed; but there’s a lot of problems with including it here.

For starters, lack of validation isn’t enough to suddenly switch into ‘kill mode’ which is where all of this is eventually leading.

Validation shouldn’t be the foundation of any long term relationship and so rather than proving how good of a friend they are to each other, you’ve only given futher reason for why they’re toxic together.

You needed to be building them up all throughout season one before launching into this break up plot. This scene is too little too late because we’ve spent too many episodes tearing Raps and Cass down for this plot to have the effect that they wanted it to.

Cassandra is just doing her job. She’s suppose to show Rapunzel around and help her with shit, that’s what a lady in waiting does. Cassandra’s friendship with Rapunzel shouldn’t be so tied to her career trajectory to begin with. Not only is it unhealthy but it then is used to victim-blame Rapunzel for all of Cassandra’s problems. Even though the only thing actually holding Cass back is herself, as proven in season three.

Timeline Confirmed

So it is indeed six months since Secret of the Sun Drop, give or take a few days to organize stuff before the trip. Meaning we’re now a year out from Before Happily Ever After. I point this out now, in order to prove something later on.

This Logically Should Have Been the End of the Argument, But the Writers are Dragging Things Out Needlessly

You know what I hate more than a ‘lack of communication causes drama' trope? Characters taking the time to communicate and still missing the bloody point and not resolving anything.

Technically, Rapunzel is still in the right. She is an autonomous person capable of making decisions for herself, and Cass does need to get over herself and treat Rapunzel as such and stop getting butt hurt over not being the one in charge.

But then we have to ruin that message by throwing in this line.

Like, yes you’re technically in charge here Raps, but making decisions shouldn’t mean walking all over someone's feelings either. Being a leader is just as much about listening as it is about taking charge and neither of these characters understand that yet.

And they never will, cause the writing for them is shit.

When I first saw season two I honestly believe that this would tie into Rapunzel’s previous conflicts regarding responsibility and hypocrisy. I thought they had an arc here about learning to balance assertiveness and personal boundaries, with genuine compassion and respect for others. Had they went through with that then this could have been something truly special, but they go and throw it all away come season three. Now its just heartbreak and frustrating to watch.

Also Stupid ‘Sisters’ Plot Foreshadowing

More on this later, but just know if you hate the idea of calling Raps and Cass sisters then blame Chris.

This Song Underlines The Core Problem With Cassandra's Arc

There’s no stakes.

I’ve already discussed at length now about how Cassandra’s goals and motivations are inconsistent, and how her actions don’t line up. But the reason the writers are struggling so hard to find something that fits her, is because the story has grown past her.

We’ve already seen characters who struggle with poverty, homelessness, neglect/abuse, and oppression. There are now tons of people in the story who are fighting just for survival, and they’re all regulated to either supporting roles, one off appearances, or are background characters.

So with that in mind what is there to justify Cassandra getting focus over them? What is she struggling with here that deserves more screen time and attention than, Eugene, Varian, Lady Caine, or even Adira?

Cassandra isn’t poor. She lives well off in the castle and has high ranking connections. She’s not even struggling with a job she hates anymore because we’ve already seen her promoted to the one she wanted by this point.

Cassandra isn’t homeless, she once again lives in the castle and if she chooses to leave she has plenty of opportunities waiting for her, as evidenced by Goodbye and Goodwill and Beginnings. Plus she’s shown to be capable of supporting herself both in this season and the next.

Cassandra isn’t oppressed. She can leave anytime she wants to. She can defy the king's orders in SotSD because she’s the princesses’s bestie. She doesn’t face jail or hanging just because she and Raps has a fight now and then.

The only thing going for her is possibly neglect/abuse, but that’s not been introduced into the story yet and isn’t what she’s discussing here. It also contradicts what was previously established between her and Cap in season one when it does come into play.

Validation Alone is Not Enough to Connect With Most of the Audience

Even the stanchest of Cassandra supporter often has to heavily project onto her in order to connect with her. Which isn’t a bad thing in of itself. Everyone projects to some degree or other when exploring media, that’s part of being human. But the problem is that because she’s so thinly written you’re left with little else but projection. And so you’ll hear excuses like, well she’s fighting the class system, she’s an abuse survivor, or she deserves to lash out over not getting what she wants when she’s worked so hard for it. But none of those excuses are actually presented on screen.

Cassandra doesn’t fight against the class system. If she did she would be fighting for everyone. She’d be singing about everyone’s problems not just her own.

Cassandra’s past abuse is just slapped on at the last minute and then disregarded when convenient. It doesn’t actually factor into the decisions she makes later on.

Also, you don’t deserve anything just because you ‘work hard’ nor because you just really, really want it.

It’s that point that I really take issue with.

On the surface Cassandra should be the most relatable person in the show. I mean what young adult or teen living in this post apocalyptic nightmare of a capitalist dystopia not ever felt disappointed over not getting the job they wanted or not being given enough positive validation while crushed underneath mounting unrealistic expectations. It’s the main reason why so many of her supporters are teenagers and LGBT+.

But all of those worries stem from something deeper than just a lack of positive reinforcement.

You know why I had to give up on my career as an animator?

It didn’t pay benefits.

I had medical issues and needed health insurance, but since most animation is commissioned and/or contract based, particularly if you live/work on the east coast, then you’re not going to get that most of the time. And this is after spending the majority of my time in college homeless, living out of my car, crashing on friends and families couches. I did this for three fucking years because I didn’t want to wind up in a textile mill or a carpet factory like everyone I else knew growing up, and I was told my whole life that if I went to school and worked hard enough I could have a well paying job that I enjoyed and got me away from my abusive home life.

People like me, we’re bitter over not getting the jobs we wanted or the support we needed, not because we believe we’re special and therefore deserve it or some such bullshit, but because our very lives are dependent upon it! We’re victims of a class system that lets you starve if you don't find work. Where you’ll be trapped in abusive situations cause you can’t afford a home on your own. Where simply being yourself can be dangerous as there are people who vocally want to deny us rights and even kill us.

Cass is an entitled whiny brat in canon because she doesn’t have any of those underlying issues. She doesn’t face real discrimination, oppression, poverty, or the looming threat of death hanging over her. She’s just throwing a temper tantrum.

Once Again Adira is Saving Your Butt Cass

Adira is quickly becoming one of my favorite characters in the marathon. I’m sorry I didn’t appreciate her more when I first watched the show.

Also, I’m Sorry I Didn’t Recognize the Awesomeness That Is Hector Until Now Either.

Like this is a good conflict. They both have legitimate reasons for what they do. They’re both in the right here. That’s what makes them interesting.

They’re both fighting for something. They’re home and the belief that they can fix things, vs the fate of the world and their loyalty to both the cause and their family. All on top of having their own relationship issues.

Hector so should have been the main villain of season two, because he just has the most reason to be opposed to the mains’ goal.

That’s more than whatever Cass and Raps are fighting about. The only thing at stake there is their friendship, which isn’t that big of deal when you compare it to the lives and safety of billions of people.

Plus Hector’s just flat out entertaining.

Why is Everybody Just Standing Around Doing Nothing Here?

Fucking do something you lugnuts!!!

You’re all capable fighters. You’ve all taken down much harder enemies than one lone guy and two bearcats. Why aren’t you helping Cass fight back? Or heck, if you wanted Cass to face Hector alone then have her be a distraction so that the others can escape. Anything but having them just stand there and be useless!

Yet Again I Have to Ask Why Should Cass Care?

Or rather why should the audience care?

Cass isn’t a lady in waiting just because some random jerk who's already taunting her and trying to kick her ass calls her such. Hector’s not from Corona and has no knowledge of Cassandra’s life beyond what he may have heard repeated by Adiria (who is also not from Corona) or what Cass herself said in her very metaphorical song. Nor does either them have a say in how Cass’s career goes.

If you want to push the narrative that Cass is still a lady-in-waiting and a maid, despite having earned Cap’s approval and being appointed by the king to guard Rapunzel, then you damn well need to establish that among the mains.

Or you know, stop trying to go back on what you’ve set up in season one.

So How Is This Suppose To Work?

So from the backstory that we get on both the Tree and Zhan Tiri herself, this shouldn’t happen. Like Zhan Tiri is currently trapped in another dimension and according to season three she has no possession powers herself.

Now the tree itself is said to be sentient and that Zhan Tiri took control of it, but how? How is a tree sentient? Why is it sentient? How did Zhan Tiri bend it to her will? Why is it still under her control while she’s been trapped in another dimension for hundreds of years? Why and how does the spear keep it dormant? Why does the tree itself have possession powers when Zhan Tiri has none? Is there any connection between this Great Tree and the cursed tree that was suppose to free Zhan Tiri back in Painter’s Block? If so then why are these things never brought back into play during season three?

Give me answers damn it!

Now This is a Good Conflit, Shame It’s Never Resolved

Both have valid reasons to do what they do. Both are neither right nor wrong. Both however wind up getting in the way of each other because neither will listen or trust the other.

Rapunzel thinks that this will stop Hector, and she is right it does, but more importantly she chooses this route because it gives everyone else a chance to run away. The problem is that she can’t control it, but from her point of view that’ll only put her and Hector at risk if everyone else will just do as she says and leaves.

Cassandra thinks the spear will stop it because it’s done so before, and that’s a logical assumption. It also means that Rapunzel herself won’t be in any danger, though the others might. Cass can’t free everyone at once like Rapunzel can. It’ll also be a threat to herself, and there’s the risk that tree will stop her before she can deal the final blow.

So what’s happening on a personal level is that Rapunzel thinks taking charge means that everyone needs to follow her say without question. Cassandra thinks Rapunzel should listen to her more, not because Rapunzel needs to listen better in general, but because she doesn’t feel Rapunzel is mature enough to make big decisions and that she herself should be in charge of the group. Both girls feel superior to the other and above other people as well, because they’re convinced they’re always right.

Had this been the actual conflict that they went with in season three, had they actually had both characters held accountable for their actions and learn something, and hadn’t dragged innocent people into their bullshit with so much as a ‘by your leave’ or ‘I’m sorry’; then this might have been a decent story. Perhaps not as impactful as Varian’s, but still meaningful, thoughtful, and well, coherent.

But that’s not what they did, and we’ll see no real resolution to this disagreement.

So Why Is No One Affected By the Hurt Incantation This Time?

Eugene here was injured by the tree earlier, that’s why he’s past out, but everyone else remains unharmed by Rapunzel’s singing. Even though just last episode everyone around her were dying from it, and again in the season finale everyone dies from said incantation. But here and in Rapunzel’s Return, Rapunzel can use the incantation without harming anyone nearby so, how does that work?

Some people have suggested that when Rapunzel focuses her hair on a target like the tree here or the amber later, that it doesn’t spread to other people, but that’s never stated on screen so it’s still a flaw.

Well This Goes Nowhere

I think the writers just like throwing in shocking ‘twists’ and moments like this just for the sake of looking edgy and ‘deep’ but then they never actually follow through on the impact of such moments on the characters nor consider the more troubling implications of including them.

I grew up on Gargoyles, Batman the Animated Series, the 90s X-Men Cartoon, and The Pirates of Dark Water. I’ve seen far more shocking and edgy stuff than this when I was six years old. In many ways the american animated tv landscape has regressed since the early 2000s when it comes to more mature cartoons, and no that’s not a complaint about modern cartoons being bad; some are good some are bad, just like its always been; but that culturally we’ve shied away more from darker moments like this and we’ve having to push for them all over again in media.

But the difference between Tangled and those 90s cartoons I’ve mentioned is that Tangled’s darker moments are misplaced. It clashes horribly with the more comedic route that the series usually takes and as such they don’t get the focus that they need too.

After season two is done, Cass’s hand will never be mentioned again. It does not tie into her later motivations at all nor influences her actions. Throughout the series she’ll be able to use it easily without consequence. We don't even get any on screen confirmation if it’s healed by grabbing the moonstone, by the sundrop incarnation in the finale, or if she just forever has a burnt arm. That’s how little importance it is to the story.

This Also Goes Nowhere

Hector calls out this warning but it’s then never followed up on. Adira is proven not to be a liar at all and nobody in the group is actually doomed. Yes the wider world is put in jeopardy, but that’s Cass’s fault not Adira’s.

The writers were too focused on making Adira the red herring for Cassandra that they forgot to make her an actual person, with wants, feelings, desires, goals, and a life beyond her mission. She’s never shown helping her family and barely interacts with them, she’s never given a reason for why she keeps disappearing, and the idea that she’s doing this to save her home is just supposition on my part because otherwise she has no reason. The series never gives us one.

And ‘Destiny’ Is Not A Fucking Reason!!!

Oh, So Adira Will Help Hector But Not Quirin or Varian?

If Hector and Adira consider each other siblings because they’re both in the Brotherhood, than logically Adira would consider Quirin her brother as well, and Varian would be her nephew.

She was around long enough to see the final battle in SotSD. That’s why she appears at the end of that episode, how she knows Rapunzel is the sundrop and has ‘seen her power’, and how she knows that the group has met both Quirin and Varian before now.

She knows that Quirin is trapped in amber. She knows her nephew has been arrested by a kingdom with a poor track record of punishing orphaned teens and poor people with overly harsh sentences. So why didn't she do anything there?

We find out during season three that the black rocks can cut through the amber, and its established that Adira’s sword can cut through the rocks, so clearly she didn’t even try to save Quirin has just given him up for dead. But there’s no reason why she couldn’t have broken Varian out of the prison and taken her with him.

In fact Adira hiding Varian from the rest of the group during season two would have been an actual reason for her disappearance and an actual reason not to trust her. That would have upped the stakes and given Cass reasons for what she does. Plus more time for Varian’s redemption, more chances to call out Rapunzel and Fredric on their BS, and ties seasons one and two together better.

Seriously leaving Varian out of season two was the dumbest decision in television. Putting Varian back in actually fixes everything in the show.

The Real Reason for the Burnt Hand is a Costume Change for Cass

I don’t know if she even got merchandise for this costume.

Conclusion

Much like season one’s arc episodes, The Great Tree held a lot of promise that was then completely wasted by season three. It’s also one of the very few episodes in the season to have actual stakes and conflict so it easily jumps to the top of the pile. But what it sets up is then never resolved or expounded upon, making it a waste.

Next up we’ll have the mid season recap.

#tangled #anti-tangled #anti-cassandra #anti-rapunzel #tangled the series #rapunzel's tangled adventure #adira #hector #the brotherhood

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belle-keys · 3 years

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Incoherent thoughts about A Court of Silver Flames (2021) by SJM

Do not expect this to be a critical, unbiased review at all. Eet just ease what eet ease. Spoilers ahead laddies.

*unwanted preface*

Okay, so like, you know those things that are neither objectively perfect nor unproblematic yet you love them and are attached to them anyway? Yeah, this is me with SJM’s writing. See, I been with Sarah and Throne of Glass since March of 2015 and with ACOTAR since the summer of 2015 when I was 13 and honestly, ACOTAR in particular occupied a decent portion of my formative teen years. Eventually, when I was about 16 I sort of ended up getting distracted from YA books and went into my thot and kpop era. A main reason for this is that I found ACOFAS particularly disenchanting. This ain’t about that book (sigh) but let’s just say as much as I was still attached to and in love with the ACOTAR world, I was still able to get very annoyed by the decreased quality of the writing and also the evident projecting Sarah was doing onto Feyre with regards to her own life and experiences (ahem). No, the lack of developed POC in the book had nothing to do with it ironically.

So basically, since the spring of 2018 I haven’t read any SJM yet I never fell out of love with the books either. I’ve sworn off TOG after whatever the hell EOS was, but ACOTAR was always more special and close to my heart by tenfold, honestly. See, the best day of my 2016 was the day I found out ACOTAR was getting the extra 3 novels and 2 novellas. ACOFAS was a dumpster fire but I was actually surprised to really, really enjoy A Court of Silver Flames while it obviously has a couple (multiple) sus facets to it. The susness aside, I thoroughly felt at home reading Nesta’s book despite how irrational that might sound. No, I’m not here to say the book was objectively good but I’m here to say I still enjoyed it despite my love-hate relationship with SJM and her writing. :( :( :(

That being said imma still roast tf out of a couple aspects of it. :)

*the susness*

Aight wbk that SJM like, projects a lot onto feyrhys right. I’m not even gonna deny it. Like as horrible as it sounds, when feyrhys were, like, struggling as a couple and shit in ACOMAF, that’s when I loved them the most but then the shitstorm that was ACOWAR hit and they couldn’t go without boning every two seconds or calling each other mates and shit and basically every character in the book started kissing their asses (except Nesta) to the point where they were infallibly good and powerful and everyone’s heads were lodged up their asses... I got PISSED OFF then, right.

Now, in ACOSF (is that correct?), they were side characters and, gratefully, that romance between them was toned down. But here are some things concerning feyrhys and the Court of Dreams that irked tf out of me, and the implications that they had for Nesta (who is perhaps one of the baddest bitches ever) had me feeling homicidal towards the IC:

Every single time Nesta said shit about Rhys and then Cassian got mad I wanted to SCREAM like yooo let her roast tf out of him like yeah I get Rhys lowkey did a lot for her both directly and indirectly but cmoooooon not everyone needs to be riding his dick like the man HATED Nesta from the get-go. I loved the idea that someone in the book lowkey abhors Rhys just for the TEA it gave me. Like yeah, okay Cassian, I get that he’s your bro but he can SUCK NESTA’S DICK also like my girl is a DEATH GOD.

Here me out: the Inner Circle completely dehumanized Nesta, they completely disregarded her personal autonomy and caged her in which is ironically the very behavior that was villainized when Tamlin did it to Feyre. First of all they restricted her movement, they made decisions FOR her, they withheld from her knowledge about her own powers, they decided what’s best for her and acted like she was a rabid dog the entire time. Only Cassian and Azriel seem more blameless in this regard, but the level of scorn and abohorence and moralizing Feyre, Elain, Rhys, Amren and Mor did towards Nes made my blood boil. At the end of the day, the Inner Circle did the VERY THING they hated being done to Feyre. Whatever happened to the freedom they professed? The autonomy they decided all members of their court deserved? That was all bullshit, or was this switch-up SJM’s way of creating justifiable conflict between Nesta and the Inner Circle... either way, there was no closure about this and the way they dictated Nesta’s behavior whilst completely mistreating her imo.

More on Nesta’s treatment - okay listen the way the narrative had every character acting like Nesta was fricking scum and for WHAT??? Okay, she didn’t hunt when Feyre and they were poor, she was bitchy, she hates the Fae... okay, why is Nesta still being punished for her mistakes like this by the Court? Does their forgiveness only apply to those in their clique? They’re acting like her drinking and sleeping around and her general bitchy behavior is sooooo toxic when they ALL coped with their respective trauma in questionable ways in their centuries of living. And the narrative never condemned them for this behavior either... like cmon they had an “intervention” about Nesta like if she needed to reach a certain moral standing to be lovable or something. Seems to me that only Cassian was willing to love her, bruises and all... “There’s nothing broken to be fixed. You are helping yourself. Healing the parts of you that hurt too much - and perhaps hurt others too”. But as beautiful as that it, it seems the IC see Nesta’s healing as her “redemption arc” when I never saw her as a villain or monster to begin with. They acted like she had to become deserving of their acceptance. Bullshit.

No cus more on this... Cassian is the only person who defended Nesta, the only person that wanted to help her heal and grow when everyone else wanted to fix her. He was the only person who was kind to her from the original trilogy (i.e. not counting Emerie and Gwyn). He stood up for her and I’ll gush about them in the next section, but the dynamic between Nesta and the IC was the least enjoyable aspect of the book for me. It was clear SJM wanted to spur Nesta towards the path to healing yet only figured out how to do so whilst only keeping feyrhys as the nucleus of this arc, and so she had them force Nesta into her “special journey” (because she loves them so much, cus they’re sooooo perfect right *rolls eye*), yet, the narrative didn’t quite condemn them for their toxicity towards Nesta at ALL, even towards the end. The good thing is that Nesta did not become an ass-kisser throughout the story and laud them for “helping her” every waking second. Only Cassian didn’t shun her for her inner negativity but embraced her. And Az was pretty cool too, can’t hate him.

Ahem, the ending: okay, I’m not even capping, but I hated that Nesta lost her power for feyrhys. I get that she genuinely did it out of love and shit and I’m not even gonna lie, the thought of feyrhys dying had me on the verge of tears cus as much as I hate them, I also love those bitches. Yet, the culmination of Nesta’s power was, what?, to save feyrhys. This way, the narrative put Feyre at the center of Nesta’s narrative towards the end. And Nesta lost that Death God power that she basically EARNED in that Cauldron. This is the biggest flaw of the story. She fought against her own power to give it up... for Feyre. Like??? What??? Why was that baby arc even necessary????? Why was Nesta giving up her power necessary to fulfil her healing arc which was the POINT of the book??? Like what?????? It left a sour taste in my mouth. No- an abhorrent acidic bitter taste in my mouth.

Elain. I CANNOT STAND THIS GIRL. She completely abandoned Nesta and for WHAT??? For Feyre??? This only served to reiterate from the narrative’s POV that Nesta was scum and again, idk WHY. And also, why tf does this girl mistreat Lucien like this??? LUCIEN AKA MY FAVORITE CHARACTER???

I just don’t get how the narrative reiterated that Tamlin is the worst of the worst when you got Rhys hiding shit from Feyre, hiding knowledge of Nesta’s power from Nesta, all of that. Like, was the entire point of ACOMAF not for Feyre to embrace her power and become her best self? Rhys never for one second tolerated withholding Feyre’s power from her. So why tf does this apply to Nesta? Cus she’s unhealthy? Okay... so what??? Why villainize her like this and imply she’s undeserving of her power and a waste of life??? I’M LAUGHING SO HARD RN LIKE WHERE DID THIS EVEN COME FROM??? What did my girl do that was sooooo bad that yall needed to treat her like this. Tell me why feyre and amren and varian and rhys all acted like Tamlin in this book. Cardi voice WHAT WAS THE REASON. I AM SO MAD ABOUT THIS CUS THEY ACTED LIKE THE FRICKING MORALISING SYCHOPHANTS THEY CLAIM TO HATE.

Like bitch??? They’re like those youth pastors that reiterate how broken and messed up people with mental illness are? Acted like Nesta screwing guys was the worst thing ever when they should have embraced her? Like I get she would push them away but really??? “Waste of life”???

So we gon gloss over how Amren was insisting Nesta shut up about the baby business to Feyre (aka hiding shit from her)? How she was implying that Rhys should conquer all of Prythian? Hear me out, even as someone from a Caribbean country that was colonized by the whites, it actually doesn’t bother me when the theme of conquest comes up, like, this is a fantasy novel and colonization does not exist within the same context for me. That being said, like, it felt as if the narrative telling me lil Rhysie is just sooooo perfect that he needs to be High King. Like, I respect the fact that Rhys has no wish to do so. Homeboy never seemed to care for conquest beyond ensuring his Court’s prowess and safety so WHAT WAS THE REASON AMREN??? Like? What kinda crack was Amren on this entire book???

The worldbuilding... listen, the politics and history felt all over the place, felt incoherent and flat honestly. Didn’t bother me as much as it did in ACOWAR but it was just *meh*, not good. Not horrible, but not great. I preferred the world when it was directly the result of Beauty and the Beat and East of the Sun, West of the Moon.

The Fae have lost their *magic*: no cus what I loved about the first book was that the Fae were one with the Courts and felt very fleshed out in terms of their powers and shit, but now only Eric and Lucien and Tamlin and sometimes Rhys have that same magic for me. Like... the sensuality of the Fae in terms of their actual Celtic roots, that which felt whimsical and immersive in the first book, feels lost to me. I can’t explain it but I feel less nuance and orthodoxy in their portrayal. However, I DID love this one line featuring none other than the loml : “Amid the pink and white blossoms, the cold-faced Autumn Court heir looked truly faerie - as if he’d stepped out of the tree, and his one and only master was the earth itself”. LIKE I SALIVATED THAT IS MY MAN.

*good stuffs*

Okay let’s talk about the smut like I didn’t like the word choice as usual like quit with the euphemisms and say cock and goooooo. That being said like, okay, I like how she set up the physical dynamic between Nesta and Cassian cus the sex wasn’t some big romantic climactic build-up like how it was in acomaf like they were being NASTY from the get-go and I respect that drip. Like she did not cap on how porny the smut was and thank God it wasn’t some cliche romantic honeymoon type shit, like it was almost on the ao3 level of smutty goodness. All it was was missing was coarse language and hard kinks but in general, I liked the Nessian smut in this book more than the feyrhys smut in particularly ACOWAR and ACOFAS, like Nessian just do not cap.

Listen... you see that whole part when Nesta was like imagining how awesome it would be to dance Lucifer’s Bachata with Az and Cassian? Yeah, my girl just let her thoughts run wild. Like Nesta makes Feyre look naïve. Like you know how Tumblr porn in 2016 used to be with the aesthetic type shit? That’s Feyre, but Nesta is like on Pornhub level and it’s so fitting I was YELLIN lowkey. I feel like less importance was placed on how meaningful the sex and shit should be in the book and I respect that.

YOU SEE WHEN NESTA TOLD FEYRE ABOUT THE BABY!!! I WAS CHEERING HER ON. No cause they were being so nasty to Nesta especially Amren and then Feyre entered with all of her moralising shit like honey you KNOW damn well what you’re doing to Nesta is what you hate being done to you. Like damn right tell her, cus I could not STAND the double standard.

The whole training the women thing was a nice touch. It was kinda corny but also sweet. That being said, I laughed so hard when I realized how this entire book was Nesta’s quarter-life hippie rebirth where she learns to meditate and work out and read romance books and face her inner demons like this is some real New York college shit. All that was missing was a Starbucks.

Cassian. Man I love this man so much. No like he displayed peak dilf behavior. I think his attractiveness isn’t based on his bravery or his hotness but his humility man. Like he’s not a thot, he’s respectful, yet tough, yet contemplative. He’s contented with his life station yet wants to always be a better person yet is such a strong rock who really loves Nesta not despite her flaws but because they are part of her. I love the way he stood up to Rhys a lot, he didn’t shame her when she was awful to him, and he is protective (annoyingly so sometimes) but he really wanted her to empower herself. Their relationship isn’t perfect (I’m not in the mood to dissect the problematic aspects rn) but they were so sweet together and I didn’t expect to like them as much as I did back when they were lowkey a thing in ACOMAF.

The mates thing didn’t bother me cus I saw this shit coming since 2016. Yes, it’s cliche and annoying but the mates status also, like, has no meaning to me so it is what it is. Didn’t think they NEEDED to be mates but I was happy that them being mates wasn’t the core of the novel and it was secondary to Nesta’s individual healing journey.

Prepare for me to get sappy but another reason why I loved this novel was because it was a story of healing. :( :( :( The road to healing and growth in the emotional sense is always beautiful to me despite how flawed it often is when SJM writes it. I just felt really immersed in the emotional woes and eventual growth of Nesta despite my issues with the book and this is perhaps one of the main reasons that I found it beautiful, because healing as a theme is always beautiful and raw.

More of Nessian but like their relationship feels so real and raw too. No, cus like, it wasn’t tinged in as much fictitious idealism as feyrhys’ relationship was. They weren’t all stupidly in love and seeing each other in the universe and shit, like they just made each other happy and weren’t portrayed as the perfect soulmates who were each other’s yin and yang and whatever thank the LORD. Them having each other’s back was enough and ughhhh Cassian was just so sweet and such a good trainer and so aloof yet passionate like I been waiting to see more of him since ACOMAF so yayyy.

Okay... that scene where Rhys kneels to Nesta and she embraces him. yes. YES YES YES YES YES that shit was the shit that made my year like I want this man to be in her debt for the end of time like this hoe saved yall like big strong high lord better bow to the “witch” like I could hear angelic choirs at that scene like Rhys doesn’t just yield to people so easily so like, it was just kinda epic okay. Little bitchass Rhys with his perfect little river house and emo boi clothes stfu hoe.

No cus I love how Nesta told Cassian she didn’t wanna hear about Feyre’s special journey or Rhys’s special journey or Mor’s like I got fed up of people acting like they epitomized “good” and the “good path” to self-discovery when they can choke on a baguette as far as I am concerned.

*shit no one except me probs cares about*

Eris. So here is the thing. Since 2015 in ACOTAR when Eris was Under the Mountain being all red-headed and cunning and sexy and evil I have been obsessed with him... well, the idea of him I had in my head and how delectably abhorrent he seems (I like villains and side-characters okay). Maybe it was just his name (Eris is a hot name shut up) or the idea of a rich, cunning fox-faced prince in the same universe appealed to me. Either way, I actually never expected by favorite cameo-character to become... important. I’ll die on the hill of loving him. Here is the thing... I don’t want him to be good, in the same way I did not want Rhys to be a good guy in ACOTAR either. I don’t need him to be a secret angel, I don’t need him to be sweet and good like Rhys always was apparently. Honestly, I want him corrupt but likeable and pertinent to the story. That being said, I really want him as the main character for one of the upcoming novels sooo bad like please PLEASE let me see the autumn court and it’s two-facedness please like if not Eris then Lucien as the main character please.

Lucien... aka my fave character since the first book man. Mannn, SJM does homeboy so dirty like I have always loved Russian fables and hence, I am so ready for Lucien x Vassa x Jurian in the Vasilisa retelling with the firebird trope and Koshei. NO CUS in 2018 I was finna write a 100k word fic about this but then I forgot about it no cap, I still have the story plan in my Onenote actually but let us not reminisce. See, my ao3-loving ass wants an angsty poly relationship and also a hot Koshei I have been waiting YEARS for this you hoes, ever since Elain got the premonition of Vassa as a firebird in ACOWAR like God please please please give it to me and make it feyrhys-less as well yasss.

I lowkey wanna suspect Eris is gay and Mor, also gay, knows and that’s why she lowkey kinda tolerates him now. Yet, I cannot be sure and yeah I just wanna say that I kinda want that arc lmfaooo (my ao3-self is showing shut up).

No cus I was TEASED by only seeing a glimpse of Vassa and Jurian but THEY SHALL HAVE THEIR TIME I KNOW IT.

Tamlin living as a beast is so interesting to me. He’s a side-character now but ughhhh he was so mystical and interesting as our good ole Beauty and the Beast beastie like it’s sooooo mysterious and alluring how he’s becoming his own villainous legend like I still care about Tamlin’s blond ass self despite everything.

Give us the snowball fight scene you coward.

I just gotta say Nessian could outsmut Feyrhys any day and that makes me proud.

FRICKING AZRIEL like first of all Mor doesn’t NEED to come out until she’s ready but she gotta let the man down nicely some other way so he can move on. I do not like Elain. Never did. I still do not. I do not, frankly, want a whole novel where she and Azriel fall in love and she rejects Lucien like... okay, I DO want her to reject Lucien so he can be with Vassa at the very least but also I am not interested in Elain’s POV rn. BUT I WANT AZ’S POV AND LIKE WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO I WANT MY EMO BOI TO BE HAPPY. This is so frustrating cus Az is a walking DILF right and so, what am I supposed to do now.

I kinda miss the Spring Court just a little. It’s pretty shut up. It got that Zuhair Murad fashion too.

Umm like, what the hell is up with that business with Helion being Lucien’s dad? We need more on this which is why I want a Lucien POV book goddammit.

Yoooooooo yall remember that bitch from ACOWAR who hybern was finna kill and she had a name and everything and then there was some foreshadowing and shit? What’s up with her? Like I can’t even remember her name lowkey but yeah what’s up with that. Was it something like Briar or Briannon or somthing???

Is Mor getting a book? Like deadass I need the Lucien and Vassa book, I need the Eris book, I need the Mor book and I need the Azriel book. Damn. Been waiting 6 years for some of this shit.

Okay that is all for now. Yes, this book has problematic elements at every level but I still loved it yet also hated some things about it. I won’t read House of Blood and Earth nor will I finish the TOG series but I guess I’ll stick with this series which remains near and dear to my soul despite what people gotta say about it. It made me happy and that’s what matters. Nesta is a huge ass inspiration to me as a character and I still wanna see her make the Inner Circle’s life a living hell uwu. I admittedly got HELLA emotional reading this story because it’s nonetheless super meaningful to me even at age 19 and it’s really powerful for me as a comfort book, and I look forward (a little) to what this woman put out next... sort of.

Signing off! Don’t @ me (okay you CAN @ me but idc).

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violetsystems · 3 years

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#personal

I can’t really tell if my mood is better or worse on Sunday mornings rather than the typical Saturday. Things have reached a point where it’s just not worth explaining how awful life can be. My life story at this point is slightly more convoluted than a side job in Cyberpunk 2077. It’s also seemingly just as insignificant. That is until I realize I’ve been writing here weekly for over two years at this point. I’ve been posting on this platform for what seems like over a decade. The value of this kind of journaling has been impossible to gauge. I just paid a full year for LinkedIn to keep my career contacts alive. I post in the hashtag cybersecurity almost every day. I have a solid list of five contacts that follow my company. I post the zero day news as it happens. I promote my brand and employability. As if this is the only thing that is valuable. A twenty year resume with management experience that gets picked over by AI and human just the same. I also forget sometimes I’m a musician. I was reminded last night when I posted the RP Boo “Bangin’ on King Drive” video. I was at that video shoot. Years ago I would just run into Bu in the street with his wife randomly. I appear nowhere in that video as I was edited out much like I was the only artist edited out of a Pitchfork review for a footwork compilation from Japan that protested Nuclear proliferation. If there were any more alarming trend for me it’s that most of what I try to succeed at is locked beyond a brick wall. I sit here from week to week trying to figure out ways to keep myself from disappearing. I worry about where I can actually pivot and when. I lay awake at night alone in my bed calculating what my runway for cash positivity is before I have to leave this city altogether. It sometimes feels completely futile and useless. Everybody in America is winner take all when there’s nothing left to take. It’s cutthroat and we’re all in this together at the same time. The amount of bullying I have to process per day has left me broken down and angry ninety percent of the time. And yet angry is a shitty look for me. I lose at video games all the time. And lately I feel as if I’m living in one. To explain that any further gets into some territory of oversharing. I’ve written paragraphs upon paragraphs about my life here. And yet nobody seems to acknowledge I exist other than here. Which leads me to believe a very few amount of people actually have the reading comprehension over 140 characters to look deeper into someone’s life, liberty and value therein. I think sometimes that it shouldn’t be this hard. That something is very wrong and deeply troubled about it all. And there’s not much I can really do about the things I’m up against when it’s only me fighting it from day to day out here. So I’ve fallen back to what I know. We are still very much in the middle of a pandemic. I’m happy the relief bill has passed. I’m waiting to pay my taxes until it’s official. Which puts me back in the same mood I’ve been in the last eight months. A complete state of abandon. This nefarious field of people watching you every day waiting to pin something on you. It never comes because I know better than to fall back into that trap as much as I can these days.

The worst of this mindfuck is over for me. I don’t actually really care too deeply about how wrong things are. Mostly because I’ve done my best to make due under impossible circumstances. You’d think someone like me after all these years would have something to celebrate. I kind of do. My birthday didn’t matter to anyone really out here much last month. It was a clear indicator that I had no real peers out here anymore. As evidenced as how everyone in footwork I helped back in 2014 has literally just ghosted like the rest of my professional network. I had a couple of things to fall back on. But it’s impossible to fall back onto anything when people would rather pretend you didn’t exist. I’m always supposed to read into these psychotic projections by society because somehow I’m supposed to realize more is expected out of me. I can’t figure this out completely. Like I brought all this upon myself. That’s the vibe I get from day to day. That because I don’t share my plans, agenda, or strategy with the real world I’m shit out of luck. The irony is that I do share it verbatim. Week to week. In a very coy, oblique way this is true. But I am also a writer. This is another talent I’ve been taught by society that has no value. I wrote emails for my bosses for years on my days off. On my birthday even. This doesn’t mean it is worthless. The audience is out there. If it weren’t I would have quit sharing my feelings a long time ago. I’m fairly aware at some point I’m going to have to put this all behind me. Hopefully when the world wakes up and returns to normal like nothing ever happened. That’s going on as we speak and I don’t even have a vaccine in my arm. It’s a constant state of fear and missing out projected back at you. That the reason I’m not happy is totally because of what I choose to take on in my life. And I’m supposed to get the message when people don’t actually communicate. I had this strange realization yesterday when I discovered all my videos were closed captioned. I watch movies with subtitles all the time simply because I love to read. My videos barely get ten views if that. I often think content is content. If you put it out there someone will eventually find it and wonder about it’s value. In the age of semi-spiritual machines it’s true that the algorithms seem to be the only curators out there listening. Everything I say out loud is transcribed and mothballed somewhere on Siri’s or Alexa’s servers. When I take a screen shot of the things I say off the top of my head, I’m often aware that something acknowledges I actually said them. It’s just nobody human really wants to pay attention. They are hardcoded over my videos as proof of the value of my words. Not like you can sell the speculative value of it yet. The first tweet is being auctioned off as a NFT and you wonder how worthless I have to feel at this point. I’m sure we all feel a little of this deep down. Disconnected and in some sort of weird emotional exile. I think it just makes me realize more of what I am connected to. A history of authenticity. A life that trades the catwalk for the streets as brutal and unforgiving as they are. Nobody can stop talking shit about me. But it’s almost always a hallucination. For a person who puts it all out there, I must be a shitty fucking writer. I can spend week to week writing the same thing. That I’m completely abandoned and ghosted out here on my own. And how it’s less unsafe and more simply a degraded quality of life when it comes to my rights as a human being to be happy. I’m supposed to get the message when nobody can bother to read mine. The writing is on the wall I guess.

So instead of pining on and on about it which I just did for two paragraphs, I still look for solutions. I still broadcast weekly to let people know I’m still alive. I make funny jokes to myself and screencap them to mask deep emotional scarring that is no fault of my own. I literally feel trapped and under duress almost all of the time. And yet, I don’t really have the luxury of taking the shit when I’ve had the hope choked out of me until I can’t breathe. If the answer is to keep ignoring the problem, it’s hard to be me. Because nobody can leave me alone. No one seems to have any sense of dignity as to what I’ve been through. I never claimed to be a victim. That’s not really me. I’ve survived and been resilient. I can see that working a six figure corporate job in New York or China is probably more worth my time in the not so distant future. I can also see that I’m worth more than what people sell me short for. I know we are in a dangerous time of confidence tricks. I don’t really have much to lose other than cash positivity. I can wait this out until the end of the summer for sure. And then I start to think about spending another winter being hunted and shunned at the same time. Mentally I can’t fuck with this city after what it’s done to me alone. I can’t keep being a superhero for people who can’t be bothered to understand how painful it is to be taken for granted after all these years. I just give up on everything in the past that isn’t working and move forward as best as I can. Just like they threw the entire contents of my office in the trash I can let it go. There is a very real emotional exhaustion I have to deal with from day to day. The level of psychological torture and abuse I’ve witnessed first hand in this city is at a level that is unlawful and unhealthy. I know too much about what it’s all connected to. And I know I’m better than all of this. I don’t know how to proceed. And this is a very real and dangerous situation that I am stuck in the middle of a shark tank feeding frenzy of well meaning but rabid idiots and the pricks that prod them with a sharp stick. I don’t have a future here in this city. I don’t have a future in this state or country if you wanted me to be real about. And yet I have so much potential if I just hold on for one more year. For one more decade. For another forty years when they turn my blog into a NFT after my death like I’m the next Van Gogh. Everybody will talk about how they knew me and how tortured an artist I was. I was so misunderstood and it was beautiful. They’ll fund a school with the proceeds that kicked me out the door because I was a blight on their payroll and budget. And I’ll be a digital ghost just the same. I feel like that very ghost now every waking fucking moment. It is a pain I cannot describe in words. It is a suffering that is goaded on in the worst syndicate driven way. I have nothing good to say about any of this shit anymore. I have no more room to break down and make things worse for myself. I just have to adjust my schedule and manage my emotions with it all because it’s my fault. This is the message I keep hearing in my head projected by silent looks as I picked up my prescriptions on foot avoiding everyone who wants to see if it’s true. If I really am the bogeyman. The source of the problem. Someone to blame. The scapegoat for everything that is wrong with the world. Convenient but ultimately not worth my time to humor. Which is why I don’t really know what to do anymore other than to stay inside and wait for justice. If there’s anything poetic about it, it’s that it runs pretty seamlessly at 1440p. Much clearer resolution than what this city wants to offer me after what it’s put me through. <3 Tim

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irrepressible-domovoy · 5 years

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I was trying to write fanfiction and somehow ended up with this instead. (It bounces around, but bear with me)

You ever notice how friggin’ jacked superheroes are?

Like, take Captain America: The First Avenger for instance. In that first scene where he’s just been turned into Erskine’s super-beefcake, Carter (or, more accurately, Hayley Atwell, because that was not scripted) couldn’t keep her hands to herself when he popped out of the pod shirtless with washboard abs and boobs that rivaled mine.

And every time we get a female superhero, she’s this stick-figure thin girl with an absolutely flat belly and no scars (unless they’re the Black Widow) and no stretch marks because those are considered “gross.”

But here’s the thing.

The actors aren’t naturally that way. It’s not even healthy to be that way.

I remember reading how Chris Hemsworth got his “look” for his shirtless scenes in Thor by not drinking water for a few days and right before he would need to be hospitalized for dehydration, they called, “Roll it!” (I legitimately cannot remember where this was. Someone help me?)

At another point, I remember reading an interview where Chris Evans said those super-tight shirts from the Captain America movies were really uncomfortable. He even hinted that they were painful.

And in another movie, (Was it Spartacus?) the cast pretty much survived on chicken and lettuce. Look, I’m not a nutritionist in any sense of the imagination, but even I know that’s not safe, physically healthy, or good for your mental health.

In Fight Club, Brad Pitt screwed himself up big time by cutting his weight constantly to keep his “perfect” physique.

Slightly off-topic, but Brendon Frasier nearly killed himself with the stunts on top of the weight/muscle-tone demands for The Mummy 3. There’s a serious problem with the industry here.

And let’s get onto the women’s body image here that affects literally every woman on screen: Flat bellies? Dudes. Cis women have these things called ovaries that are in there. We need more room. Plus, it is actually unhealthy for anyone of any gender to have less than 8% body fat, at bare minimum.

Then there’s the issue with erasing scars and stretch marks. I am twenty-two years old. I have scars from everything from an accident in the kitchen to skinning my knee as a kid on a patch of shattered glass. You (the writers and directors of the films) give them to the dudes, but not the girls? Just work those scars into your BAMF super-heroines. They already have the backstories for them to be viable and even likely. I, as well as more than half of the people on this planet, have these things called stretch marks. They are what happens when we grow. It means I started out as a baby and turned into an adult. They are not shameful and only serve to remind me that I, and the person on my screen, were once small and innocent. (Also, they either look like tiger stripes or lightning bolts, depending on how you look at them)

My point is, we the viewers (whether children learning how to view our own bodies and the world, teenagers struggling with self-image in a world that tells us we aren’t ever going to be pretty enough, or grown adults struggling with all of the above and more) deserve to be able to see heroes that are real and the actors portraying these characters deserve to not only feel better about themselves but to also be able to do their job without causing permanent damage to their bodies.

@fightyspidey and I came up with some ideas, if Marvel Studios wanted some suggestions.

Give us Thor, mighty Viking warrior king, with the fat from too many feasts. (Human weightlifting champions are known for being “a bit pudgy” but they can also kill you with a pinky. It’s not that far off the mark)

Give me Steve Rogers with stretch marks and scars from growing too fast after Project: Rebirth.

Give me a Natasha Romanov with scars that aren’t there to maximize the mangst and aren’t perfect little circles that are easily hidden.

Give me Tony Stark without a shirt and his scars aren’t some “sexy work of art,” but rather an ugly reminder of pain and hardship.

Give me Sif coming to visit the Avengers and she comes in with shorts or a skirt on and we see how she doesn’t shave her legs and literally no one cares.

I want to see the Hulk with stretch marks and Bruce completely chill with his pudge.

I want to see Peter, Shuri, and Wanda with acne and acne scars. (Please?)

I would love to see Scott Lang telling a story about the time he fell out of a three-story window (”And Luis did nothing!”) and he ended up with a bald-patch on the side of his head from where his helmet cracked his skull open. (I actually have one of those)

I want to see burns on Pepper, because her Extremis is still imperfect and can’t heal everything without leaving something behind in its place.

Happy should still have scars from Iron Man 3.

In short: Give me characters that I can see myself in.

The fans aren’t perfect. We don’t have clear skin, no matter our ages, and we have scars and fat in weird places and hair in even weirder ones.

Give us heroes that we can identify with.

Give your actors a chance to breathe. Give them a chance to be okay with themselves.

#avengers #hollywood #feminism #mcu #marvel #fandom #film making #film industry #beauty standards #show us scars

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dear-wormwoods · 5 years

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Let’s talk about Sandy. Going with reddie as a subplot with subcontext that supports it, was Sandy a sort of replacement for Eddie and that’s why it didn’t work out?? Did Richie really love her as her own person? And if so, what does that mean in regards to reddie and Richie’s subconscious feelings/memories? I love ur metas and want your opinion of it!! We obviously know Eddie didn’t love Myra but wanna hear your thoughts on Sandy vs reddie

I think you’ve sent this question before, and I’m sorry for never getting around to it. 😬

First, I think Eddie did love Myra, but it wasn’t romantic love (though he pretended it was) and it was an unhealthy love (because he was obviously projecting). He found someone who would take care of him like a mother and coddle him in the way he was used to, because it was comforting to him, but I don’t think Myra was aware that was ALL he wanted from her. She thought she was part of a normal marriage and that Eddie was genuinely sick - and for all she knew he was, because that’s what he told her and that’s how he acted. So she filled the role because she’s clearly a Helper Type, very insecure, and also inexperienced as to what a healthy marriage looks like. Obviously I have all the sympathy in the world for Eddie, but Myra was JUST as trapped in a sham marriage as he was and, quite honestly, also a victim of Sonia although she never even met her. Had Sonia not abused Eddie the way she did, he never would have latched onto Myra the way he did. Myra could’ve found someone who genuinely wanted to be with her as a wife, not a caretaker, and he could’ve been honest with himself from the start. Imagine the possibilities!

But that’s literally so beside the point of this question lmao. I’m so sorry! 😂

Anyway, SANDY. I think Richie genuinely did love her - they were together for quite a while and it was clearly serious enough for him to talk about her specifically. I think there’s a possibility that she shared some character traits with Eddie, though we really don’t know much about her other than that she didn’t put up with Richie’s shit very much. Buuuuut while I think Richie is probably drawn to a certain personality type (ie: easily riled up, but in a fun way), I do not think it’s likely that Sandy was a full on Eddie replacement.

Stephen King clearly had a theme going of people marrying someone like a person from their past, but the difference is that Eddie and Bev recreated their parent-child dynamics and Bill just straight up fetishized Bev’s appearance. Richie doesn’t have a history of domestic abuse and is nothing like Bill, so he was unlikely to get stuck in that kind of rut. Does that make sense? I really want to give Richie more credit than that, and I hope for Sandy’s sake that it was real. I think their relationship was exactly what Richie said it was - important, but ultimately didn’t work out because he couldn’t commit and she wanted someone to start a family with.

So while I don’t think he was at all trying to replace Eddie, the romantic in me does think there’s a possibility that subconsciously, Eddie’s memory was the thing holding him back from fully committing to someone else.

#asks #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #stephen king's it #it novel #myra kaspbrak #tozier tea #eddie spaghet tea #meta #it meta #my meta

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sebastyansmith-writer · 4 years

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Her Name Was Arthur

Or:

Getting to grips with my first ever panic attack at 30

Note: The following is written chronologically. The relevance of these events only became clear after a lot of soul searching and personal psychological analysis after the fact.

Initially none of it was clear, but reaching back and finding the root cause of where I believe my panic attack came from helped massively with fighting through it and moving on.

I’ve had a few people ask for more information on this, especially those who have struggled with anxiety and panic attacks nearly their entire life. I think seeing someone process it all for the first time offers a unique angle. That’s what this post is about.

At age 5/6 our family cat gave birth to a litter of kittens. I was allowed to chose one and name it, and from that point it would my cat. Looking back this was the first meaningful instance of real responsibility, and even at a young age I understood its importance.

I chose a kitten and named her Arthur. I can’t remember if I knew her sex, or cared, but I certainly loved me some King Arthur.

How not to hold a sword

For the first time in my young life I had a charge, a living creature that would rely on me. Obviously looking back I probably wouldn’t have had to do much, but all the same I took it very seriously.

A few weeks later she died.

It was an illness no-one knew she had, and according to the vet – unavoidable.

According to my mother I was inconsolable. It took a hundred conversations to settle me, and I’m fortunate that my mother excels at emotional conversations.

I remember choosing the name Arthur. I remember the kitten dying. I don’t remember what she looked like, or crying at all. Apparently my mind decided to repress all that.

From that point on I didn’t properly connect with any of the pet cats we owned, though to such a degree that I didn’t notice until getting Ink and Bobby, years later.

Ink

Bobby

I loved animals. I practically lived off nature programs. But I had a deep, subconscious fear of being responsible for them.

This might sound all a bit dramatic but I was – and am – what some would call a delicate flower. Losing Arthur hit me hard.

It’s funny, I started talking about the above on a regular basis. Saying how relieved I was that I could open myself up again to pets, happy that I was able to let myself feel things properly, even at the risk of eventually losing them.

In retrospect this was my mind trying to draw my attention to another issue that would only become clear to me later:

It wasn’t just pets that I had began detaching from.

As a child I had a smattering of friends. I loved them, and trusted them, but when we moved away I was able to disconnect from them without much drama. They had been good people, and probably still are (this is long before social media so who bloody knows!). Yet I moved on without much of a backwards glance. When they didn’t show much interest I would leave.

Anyway, I carried on, I grew up, I was able to develop some brilliant relationships with people. Things were going really well. I grew into a happy adult and am lucky to count some brilliant people as friends.

As an aside: I think this was due to my up-bringing. My parents (and other parental figures) were superb. They installed so much strength and self-respect in me. That’s not to say I haven’t stumbled over the years and been an idiot – I have. Even so, I had an exemplary upbringing and I will always be thankful for that.

I still retained the ability to move on from people if things didn’t work out, or if they let me down. Looking back it could be something as simple as them not keeping to an arranged meeting time or place and I’d totally cut ties with them. Not socially, but I’d take away any level of trust I had in them.

This came instinctively and followed me into my mid twenties until I made a breakthrough.

I found myself trusting people again, really letting them in. Here’s the issue –

As children we learn how to let people in and how to block people out. It’s a system of trial and error which most take for granted as ‘learning how society works’. I don’t think I did that. I think losing Arthur had such a profound effect on me that I took the shortcut of distancing myself from others as a means of avoiding losing them.

On some level my ability to process trust issues stopped when Arthur died (bear with me on this).

So when I started trusting people, I did so as a child might, because that part of my processing hadn’t had chance to develop.

Someone who I deemed ‘special’ (super cringey, I know – I assure you this wasn’t a conscious distinction, but rather a subconscious one I’ve only recently identified) would be elevated to such a degree that they could do no wrong. They were perfect, they were above reproach. They could – wait for it – be trusted and relied upon! They wouldn’t ever let me down, why would they?

wow

Here’s where the healthy/unhealthy cycle begins. Through sheer dumb luck, and hopefully my own judgement, these few people never let me down. They were, and are, brilliant. My child-like projections of them were never shattered.

Until they were.

What happens when the psychological foundations of your mind that you’ve been building subconsciously your entire life begin to crumble?

I can only describe it as my brain short-circuiting. I have never had any mental health issues. I have always had a positive outlook and tend to take difficult things in my stride. I am not one to obsess, or to spiral. I was thus utterly unprepared for what was to come. All at once my mind seemed to collapse in on itself. I didn’t react like an adult, I reacted like a 6 year old whose kitten just died.

I couldn’t understand it. I kept saying ‘I don’t understand, I don’t understand,’ like an endless mantra. I was unprepared.

You see, on a level I wasn’t aware of, child me blamed himself for Arthur’s death. It wasn’t my fault, obviously, but we’re beyond normal logic at this point (keep up Neurotypicals!). Arthur had been my responsibility and she died. I internalised that and blamed myself for it.

Therefore, if I was to blame for the kitten, then adult Me was to blame for any upset caused by an individual elevated to my special little compartmentalised group of friendships. What should have been something I reacted to and processed relatively normally became a mental cliff which I promptly fell off. The two events became linked.

I tried to shrug it off as I would a regular upset and ended up crying uncontrollably in work. Fortunately my colleagues were superb and called me a taxi home. I did all the things I usually did to take my mind off it and that only made me spiral more. My thoughts were no longer my own, I felt hurt, confused, and more vulnerable than I have ever felt before. My sleeping pattern almost vanished. I would have moments of clarity, but they were quickly fog over again. I’d have good days, but always bad days would follow.

Keep in mind that you’ve had this story in order. At the point of the panic attack I didn’t understand where this reservoir of emotion had come from. All I kept doing was blaming myself and silently arguing myself until I could feel my thoughts falling apart.

Artist: Bryony Mulvill

I’ve always known panic attacks were real, often comparing them to a type of fit, but experiencing one firsthand opened my eyes. It is terrifying.

For all my strength as a person, for all my good mental health, one incident and my world nearly fell apart. Fortunately I wasn’t alone. My partner and my friends were there for me and they pulled me through it. No-one is an island.

Do you know what surprised me further? The anger. As part of my mental block with letting people in I also restrained a lot of emotion. For the first time in my adult life I felt angry. It was like a damn bursting. Every single emotion all wanted to be at the front but the anger? That bloody scared me.

It also pointed out something fascinating: as an adult I had never been angry before. Not really, deep-in-your-gut, truly angry. Y’know what? Being angry makes me want to cry.

Delicate flower, n’all that.

Fortunately a lifetime of good mental health kicked in with a vengeance.

I began exercising to give myself the impression of control over my life. I began taking B12 supplements to help with the fatigue. I also began talking about what I was going through, not just to people on social media and to friends/family, but to myself.

I started asking: Why?

I’d gone through hard things in the past. I’d felt pain and loss and sadness, so why now? That line of questioning uncovered everything you’ve been reading.

I love psychoanalysis. I love the idea of the human mind as a machine with cause and effect, with a little bit of chaos in there for good measure. Until recently I’d had little cause to direct this interest inwardly. It took two months to trace things back to the Arthur conclusion. Written down it might look silly, and to some degree it is:

Child doesn’t deal with losing kitten = adult doesn’t know how to process being let down.

It’s dumb, but it’s also an answer. Rather than endlessly repeating: ‘I don’t understand’ I now DO understand. More importantly, I can tell my 6 year old self that it wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t have known what was going to happen. I can resolve the relatively innocent incident of childhood trauma.

Not me and Arthur, but probably fairly accurate. Fuck I wish I remembered more.

You see, giving myself the answer provides me with a key. I’m no longer looking outwards for a solution, I can look inwards. And until recently my own head was the safest place for me to be. Like fuck I’m giving up that ground to anxiety. That territory is mine, baby.

I can also begin to work on how I view people, how I project onto them, and why I project onto them.

This has been a chaotic post, and to get the first hand journey experience you might have to read it backwards, from panic attack to naming a female kitten Arthur.

So there you have it. My first panic attack. Such innocent, naive little origins for something that could have so easily ruined me as an adult. Ain’t the human brain great/terrible.

Weirdly, I feel stronger and more alive than I ever have.

2020 is going to be amazing, I promise.

– Seb

Her Name Was Arthur Her Name Was Arthur Or: Getting to grips with my first ever panic attack at 30…

#2019 #2020 #king arthur #kitten #mental health #psychology

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