#also i will never feel bad for a character who verbally abused another character. ever
Note
I liked Kieran, maybe only because he reminded me of myself as a kid. Constantly feeling left out and being both harassed for everything you do do and never being trusted with anything to even proof yourself capable, like the knowledge about the truth about ogerpon. I still am, working on that, but was way more jealous of other people hanging out with my friends simply because I had so precious few. Idk how much it would have fucked with me if my verbally abusive older sister (I do also have one of those) simply decided that one of my friends was now one of hers instead and kicking me out while my friend isn't saying or doing anything to be like "no, actually I want to spend time with [anon] too".
Obviously his obsession with ogerpon and the following Drive to get stronger is pretty hyperbolic but I did also have a bit of that. Just rejecting everything, throwing everything back at everyone since it was, or at least felt, like its always my family and the people around me just throwing shit at me too. Did I overreact a bunch of times? Oh yeah for sure. Teenage tantrums will get ya, but I really did need that. Without it I don't think I would have ever learned to call out my family's abuse and other people treating me poorly. Since as a kid that just radiates low self esteem you seem to get treated like shit from just about everyone.
Anyway all that is to say, throwing around things like "I think this kid would shoot up a school if only he had access to guns" isn't, imho, great. And I don't even really particularly care about your instance rn, like it's a fictional character in a Pokémon game who cares. So sorry for being the one who got my rant lol. It's just something I've been seeing more of lately, people throwing "they'd shoot up a school" not only at fictional characters but actual human beings. Which I think is fucked. Thankfully no one ever said that to me, but I cannot imagine how hurtful that must be, like if we ignore all the other negative effects it has for a second, when your actual school life was hell enough to make you consider ending your own life, like it was for me, to just get thrown another brick at your head that people think you would be monster enough to murder people.
...well there's a lot to unpack here.
So first up, you have my genuine condolences for your extraordinarily shitty school life. You clearly had the very rough end of the stick, and it's clearly still hurting, and that sucks.
However. I am not thrilled that you just trauma dumped in my inbox because you over-projected onto a fictional character, and I'll ask you not to do that again. Particularly when your "rant" is explicitly aimed at trying to make me feel bad for criticising a fictional character that you, once again, have over-projected onto.
Like listen, I too had an extraordinarily shitty school life, and I also had very few friends (and at three separate extended points, a combination of Literally No Friends At All, AND Being Actively Targeted For Bullying; the first time around, the bullying was led by the class teacher, even.) I have very much been there, done that and got an entire t-shirt shop. But I still didn't come away from that feeling that I was entitled to other people liking me or wanting to be friends with me, because no one is obliged to like or be friends with anyone else. I may have occasionally felt jealous, but I didn't throw tantrums and demand perfect loyalty from the few friends I did make, because that would have been abusive as all hell and would have justly made them want nothing to do with me. And, crucially and relevantly to the fictional character in the fictional world that we are discussing, I did not fixate on someone I wanted to be my friend, see that they were afraid of me and wanted to be friends with someone else, and then throw such a tantrum about it that I physically fought that someone else for the 'rights' to that friend regardless of their consent in that matter, apparently with the intention of abducting them if I won. And on losing that fight, I did not storm off and start amassing a collection of stronger and stronger weapons so I could take over my school and prove my dominance over them, emotionally abusing anyone who couldn't keep up with me because of family problems along the way. I presume you did not either!
And if I had, then the trauma and loneliness I received would be irrelevant - actions borne of trauma are still actions, with real world consequences, and you are still responsible for them regardless of how bad you felt.
(I mean, not to put too fine a point on it, but school shooters are people who are also lonely and often bullied. It's very interesting therefore that you dismiss them as "monsters" while demanding that all behaviour from such people up to the shooting be excused. But the issue with such people is the entitlement they feel and the abuse they therefore dish out. Shootings are just the most extreme symptom of that - they're far from the only symptom.)
I cannot stress this enough - you are not the fictional character of Kieran in the game Pokémon Scarlet and Violet. You did not make his choices, or perform his actions (I assume). Criticism of him is not criticism of you. No one is accusing you of being about to shoot up a school. You state that you don't care that he's a fictional character, but I'm afraid you very much should, because that is the crucial difference. I am sorry that you're seeing a lot of people accusing real life people of being school shooters, but that is not what has happened here, is it?
You're welcome to write back. But I'll warn you very clearly - I am absolutely not at home to you trauma dumping further, or trying to make me feel guilty for talking about a fictional character because you have over-projected and therefore are taking it personally. That is a You Problem, and I will block you without reading if you do.
However, I am going to finish by reiterating my very genuine sympathies for your school experience. It truly was an appalling time for me, and it seems like it was for you, too. I hope you can process that trauma now, and find peace.
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LOWKEY BEEN INSPIRED BY @not-sure-what-im-feeling s AWESOME OCS AND LORE (Go check them out)
And it inspired me to talk about MY ocs :D
I mention in passing that I am in fact writing a novel, but I try to avoid saying too much to prevent spoilers buuuuut I think I can keep it vague enough while still rambling <3
The novel (technically a novella) is called 'The Shadow Walker' and here's a draft of a blurb:
With no friends, an absent mom, an abusive dad, and a shadow that inexplicably went missing; Nicholas Walker is convinced his life couldn’t possibly get any worse. But everything changes when he meets something (or someone) who may or may not want him dead.
(Not the best but again it;s a draft)
ANYWAY THIS IS MY BOY NICHOLAS
He's 12 years old and a selective mute and my scrungliest little blorbo who experiences the horrors™. He doesn't have any friends, is neglected by his parents, and all in all has a bad time before the book starts :(
The only source of healthy food in the house (he borrows money from his dad and goes to the store alone) but is severely malnourished from eating nothing more than reheated takeout his dad left in the fridge. Nick doesn't talk verbally unless it's to his dad (out of necessity) and otherwise converses in ASL (which I'm learning for this book <3). Loves pretty buildings and stargazing, has a dream of visiting things like Notre Dame and the colloseum some day and is fascinated by architecture. I just realised that this kid would adore Minecraft but anyway after things get better for him he's given Lego models of like the eiffel tower and he loves them :)
Gonna stop before I spend the entire post talking about my boy and move onto
HIS MOMM
You know that thing that's like, "Not a bad person, just a bad parent"? Yeah. That's her. She ran away from her abusive boyfriend and left Nick behind out of fear, since she didn't know if she could survive by herself, much less with a child in tow. She ends up leaving with her best friend and they travel around the world a lot for their job. They're a musician who plays back up for bands in different places and Rachel ends up learning to play some stuff too after watching them for so long. The two end up dating at some point and they've been together ever since. Rachel still sends Nicholas a postcard every time she travels to a new place, but she doesn't have the courage to actually see him in person yet. Also fun fact. She's descended from a woman who was killed for being a 'witch' during the salem trials. This is relevant to the story :3
Do I have to talk about his dad??? Ughhhhh fine
This is Gregory Walker. I hate him. bye.
Not but fr, he's a terrible father. Works at a convenience store and his co-workers fear him. Lives off of take-out and instant ramen, never checks on his son. Spends all his money gambling and buying alchohol. Literally would not notice if he missed an entire month of his life (*cough* foreshadowing *cough*)
ANYWAY ONTO TWO OF MY FAVOURITES
LEXI AND CHELSEAAA
Lexi is a single mom who grew up kinda spoiled and is still figuring out how to raise a kid. Her parents are kinda helpful about it but also she doesn't want to raise Chelsea how she was raised so hgjhrj. Chelsea was orignally planned to be autistic since this entire book is a transparent cover for neurodivergent rep but the version of her in my head is so very ADHD instead. They only show up near the end of the book so I'm still experimenting with them a bit but Lexi is a huge book worm and Chelsea loves unicorns, like, I mean in the 'mythology is cool way' not the 'stereotypical girl behaviour' way. She does love pink things and sparkles though
THERE IS ANOTHER CHARACTER BUT THEY'RE A SPOILERRRR BUT I WILL JUST SAY THEY ARE NOT HUMAN AND ALSO WHAT THE TITLE OF THE BOOK IS TALKING ABOUT
(It's a sentient shadow, that's- do you get the pun in the name- there's three references in it-)
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Rant/vent about current denial spiral under the cut - some context first: (*extremely brief mention of abuse/SA, medical history mention)
Had a fight with my mom about why I "still think it's DID." There were a lotta layers to that conversation, including:
- My (our) experiences don't line up with all the "research" she's done about DID
- according to her, co-consciousness doesn't exist and "you would have no idea there's another person [controlling your body], you can't be 'standing behind, watching.'"
- she doesn't trust anecdotal/personal experience of actual systems because "that's just people on the internet making up whatever they want"(paraphrase)
- she had also never heard of OSDD before. Even though she claimed she knows all about the DSM-5.
(medical trauma/history mention)
- I was never *physically abused or SA'd, therefore I don't have trauma. (She doesn't believe in emotional/verbal abuse, and all my *medical trauma/history was during/right after my birth (I was born 10 weeks early, had a surgery while in the NICU) so it doesn't count [I can't disagree with that])
(Might make a separate vent post about what we consider possible trauma that she "doesn't count")
- she told me "it sounds like you found something and stuck to it" (paraphrase) (meaning I learned about DID and just decided that was my problem.)
- made the same sweeping generalizations as always about my entire generation "wanting to be different" and "wanting to have something wrong [with us]"
(Again, I could make a separate vent post about what she says during literally every argument)
- told me (us) to "stop saying 'we' for Christ's sake!" (We will not.)
- she decided I (we) need to bring her "actual sources" of why I (we) believe it's DID/OSDD.
Which meant to us that we were gonna stay up all night doing extensive research.
Or that was the plan, before the denial set in.
(Recreation of Denial spiral below, just to throw it out to the void and be able to come back to it later to disprove I guess?? Could be triggering (lots of repetitive phrases, disbelief of trauma, derealization/depersonalization, there's a lot in here.)
What if she's right and I'm not a system? What if it's not DID or OSDD and I'm just desperate to make it into something? What if I actually don't have trauma and I'm secretly an endo??? (Any headmate tries to talk to me) You're not real, shut up. Why did I do this to myself? I ruined my life over something that's not even happening! Why did I let it get this far? Why am I still perpetuating this if it's not true?? It was never a problem until I did weed and "opened doors" that was just weed! I'm making up trauma that's not real! I want so bad to be traumatized so I can feel justified to be mad at my parents when really I'm just an entitled little bitch who's never had anything happen to them and needs to pretend they're worse off than they are! She has real trauma! She's actually been through real abuse and they've never done anything to me other than yell and that doesn't mean anything and I'm just a crybaby for being scared of getting yelled at they never actually threaten me (why do you remember the "I'll give you something to cry about" threat/phrase then???) and I cried over nothing all the time for no reason and I've just always been afraid of nothing. I can't believe I'm actually sitting here thinking about doing all this research just to prove a point?? Just to prove her wrong? That doesn't mean anything! That's not a good reason! I shouldn't even bother. This is a waste of my time. I should just tell her she's right and move on. It's not DID and (Losing my train of thought trying to write this, Jesus) I've just convinced myself it is but it's not. I've made it out to be more than it is so they'll care and that didn't work anyway. I can't believe this is happening right now. There's no way I got this far. That all of this really happened over nothing. They were just characters in my head! Why did I ever start believing more than that when I don't have trauma! Nothing that bad has ever happened to me and all these thoughts that keep coming up are fake and even if some of this stuff was trauma it wasn't in my childhood so it's not relevant. I spend too much time on the internet and I shouldn't just believe all of this stuff. What do I think I'm actually "relating" too? I should've just left it at Maladaptive Daydreaming and been fine. I've made everything worse for myself. There was a reason I stopped doing research on DID years ago! 'Cause I don't have trauma and I can't sit here and pretend I do. Why am I doing this?
(Etc etc etc. Front changed while writing this. I've been in co the whole time but Parker needed to step back for their own comfortability.)
We went back n forth for a while about a bunch of this stuff. Had a number of headmates hop in co-front just to prove a point, only for Parker to continue to tell them they're not real and it's "all me and I'm faking" bro you are at that point proving a point to yourself but okay.
Anyway, eventually Kiara took front and started on research anyway. We were up til 5am. Didn't finish but marked all our tabs so we could go back and finish it up the next day (yesterday). Did not get back to it yesterday 'Cause Parker got anxious.
We now have a deadline to present this shit. We've got a psych appointment tomorrow morning and Mom's leaving on Thursday to visit a friend. So we should get to it today. But they're really not ready for that conversation. Unfortunately we (Lio) told our psychiatrist that we might actually get to that conversation with our parents before our next appointment so now Parker feels like we have to. And if we don't then they'll be anxious about it the entire time Mom's gone which is also not productive.
There's a worry that if any of the rest of us try to explain it then it won't be taken seriously because we're not them. This whole situation is exhausting. We weren't planning on trying to have this conversation yet and now we're so rushed and there's a lot more pressure.
In any case, there's a chance we'll post an update if/when it happens.
If you've read this far, any kind of support would be appreciated. <3
-❤️
#system denial#abuse mention#spiral#emotional abuse#verbal abuse#depersonalisation and derealisation#pooger.txt#fuckboi/pos#dissociative system#osddid#did osdd#system vent#vent post#personal vent#endos dni
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Redefining Home
pairing: din djarin x f!reader
rating: M (tense relationship with parents, feelings of inadequacy, mentions of depression, din being the most soft!boy ever)
word count: 1.7k
welp this is just completely self indulgent since i’m a 24 year old student still living at home w my very texan/conservative father that will never admit that abuse can also be verbal, emotional, and financial. anyways, din is the comfort character i always go to for self indulgence. enjoy!
din masterlist
Your hand ached as it gripped the rough handle of the duffel bag, your feet trudging through sand as you left town, teary eyes pointed south. You’d left in such a hurry that you’d forgotten the scarf that you typically wrapped around your head to keep the dust and scorching heat from the suns off you, now feeling the consequences of your haste.
The day had started out as most—a quiet, agreed upon silence as you stirred awake mid-afternoon, the effects of this ever-looming dark cloud above your psyche beginning to take its toll again. There was always an inkling before it happened—like the faintest smell of rain before a storm or the slightest quake before the earth began to rattle beneath your feet. One moment you were scrubbing dishes in the sink, the next you were in a shouting match with your father, the two of you trading verbal stabs to each other’s hearts over and over.
You’re wasting the life I worked so hard to give you…I work myself to the bone to be able to provide for this family…You’re ungrateful…Disrespectful…Remember who pays the bills next time you want to call me a bad father.
His growled shouts were nothing compared to your low blows, your tears holding themselves back and allowing your rage to take over.
He never once stopped to think about why you were wasting away in your bedroom. Never accepted the blame for his absence, veiled by his proud declarations of being the best provider he could be. Constantly through your dependence on him in your face when no other insults landed the way he’d hoped.
It must’ve been a hard thing for him to wrap his mind around. One minute you were a little girl, the spitting image of himself, desperate to earn her father’s company and affection, the next you were a foul-mouthed, rage-filled, free thinker ready to spit back venom just like he always did. He must’ve not realized you’d been watching him so closely growing up, but now it was clear that you hadn’t just been studying his tactics—you’d been improving on them.
After it all became too much, the rage slowly building into a deep, aching sorrow for the little girl inside you that still so desperately craved her father’s love, you rushed into your room and packed away the pile of clothes you hadn’t had the energy to deal with in the corner of the room. Your hands shook as you struggled to find your necessities and anything you thought might be of value in case it got bad enough that you’d have to sell them.
He tried to call your name as you walked out, always ready to kick you out until he saw you actually doing it. You didn’t listen. You knew this story well enough by now to know that this would never change. He would never change.
But there was one man you could always count on. One man that gave you hope that there were still good things in this world.
Din Djarin.
He was warm, and soft, and attentive, and Maker did he care about you. You couldn’t count the amount of times you came running to his tiny fortress in the desert seeking comfort, seeking shelter, seeking him. He never wanted you to leave once you arrived, at times begging you to just stay and get away for good, but you could do that. Couldn’t and wouldn’t rely on another man so heavily—not even one that you loved and that loved you back.
But this was different. This argument felt…final.
“Mesh’la?” He asked as you finally reached the edge of his land, Din outside welding a speederbike, his child sitting on the sand beside him. He took one look at your state and you could hear a deep, sympathetic sigh escape through his modulator. “Come here.”
He tugged you into a hug, his armor cold and bulky, the flight suit beneath it smelling of oil and metal, but the way his touch flooded your senses with comfort easily made up for it.
At the sound of your sobbing into his neck, he pulled back, cradling your dust-covered cheeks in his gloved hands, swiping the dirt away along with the tears.
“Come inside, let’s take a bath.” He ordered, your head nodding in his hold before he let go, picking up his child before returning his touch, his hand on the small of your back as he walked you inside. “Here, let me take your bag.”
“Thank you, Din.” You mumbled through a faint and broken voice, causing him to freeze a bit at the sound as he carried your bag into his sleeping quarters.
“Mesh’la, you don’t need to thank me,” he reminded as he returned to the living area, seeing you sat on his tiny sofa with Grogu in your lap, the child’s hand on your face.
He released the pressure of his helmet before slipping it off, setting down on the table before doing the same with his armor, little by little seeming more human and less like the invulnerable man everyone else viewed him as.
Crouching down in front of you, he gave you a soft smile. You reached your hand out to tickle beneath his chin, Din’s bare hand now grabbing yours and pressing your palm to his lips.
“Come on,” He tugged you up by your hand, your other arm cradling the child as you followed him to the refresher. You watched as he bent over the tub to turn on the hot water, your muscles already relaxing at the sound. Din turned back and scooped Grogu out of your arms, ordering you to strip down and get in while he puts the kid down for a nap.
You did as he asked, peeling off your dirty clothes and leaving them in the hamper. With a roll of your neck, you stepped into the shower, the pressure and hot water slowly ridding you of the sand and sorrow you were bathed in. You heard him walking in a few minutes later, making quick work of his layers before hopping in behind you, hugging you tight and peppering your shoulders with kisses. You leaned your head back to rest in the crook of his neck, his kisses traveling to the side of your face.
“Want to talk about it?” He mumbled against you, your head shaking. “Okay.”
“I feel so…inadequate.” You whispered, Din hardly able to hear you even with his ear resting against your cheek. His brows furrowed as he turned you around, eyes searching your sullen face as you peered up at him. “The stuff he said—“
“Doesn’t matter.” He interjected, his voice stern as to drill it in your head.
“But they’re true,” you shrugged, a tear rolling down your cheeks only to be immediately swiped away by his thumb. “I am a waste of life.”
“You’re not—“ He breathed a breath of patience, his eyes closing at the sound of something so self-cruel leaving your lips. He hated thinking that you were actually starting to buy into this. With his eyes opening, he leaned in a bit and held your face in his hands to make sure you were hearing him. “You are not a waste of life. Don’t ever say that. Don’t ever think that. Your life means so much to me, to your friends, to…anyone who has the honor of knowing you. Your father’s words are not law—they hold no weight. Please do not let his broken edges cut you so deep. You don’t deserve it.”
You couldn’t say anything in response, the aching lump in your throat preventing you to speak even if you found the words to convey how much he meant to you. Instead, you pulled him down for a harsh, searing kiss—as though his lips against yours were the bandage to finally close this wound in your soul. He hugged you tight, pulling your face to rest in the nook of his neck while he whispered soft, sweet nothings in your ear.
It was hours later, the suns having set and the cool of the desert now creeping into Din’s home. You laid in his bed, the two of you holding each other, fingers trailing over skin, mapping out each freckle and scar to memorize it by heart. He placed a kiss to the top of your head as you laid on his chest, palm flattening against the warm skin that was the only place on his body to be free from scars thanks to his chest-plate.
“Stay here,” he whispered, running his fingertips up and down your shoulder. “Make this your home.”
“I don’t want you to feel obligated to care for me.” You lifted your head, resting your chin on his peck as you looked at him.
“I don’t feel obligated to help you, I feel compelled to love you. There’s a difference, cyar’ika.” He reminded, his free hand combing your hair back. “Do you feel safe here?” You nodded. “Do you feel loved?” You nodded again, this time giving him a smile. “Do you feel at home with me?”
“Of course I do.”
“Then stay. Let this be your home. Let me show you that home doesn’t have to feel so…hard. Let me give you what you’ve always deserved.” You nodded, hardly letting him finish his sentence before you were pulling him down into a kiss, Din’s body rolling you over to cage you in, his kiss radiating affection and devotion. “You’ll stay?”
You watched him pull away, eyes searching yours as he hovered over you. You reached up and stroked your thumb over his bottom lip, voice cracking with absolute adoration as you nodded. “Yes, Din. I want to be home with you. Thank you for—”
“What did I say about thanking me, mesh’la?” He smiled down and pecked your lips one more time. “I love you. Now let’s get some sleep, I know you’re exhausted.”
“Thank y—“ you cut yourself off, chuckling at his eyebrow raise. “I love you too.”
Though the ache in your chest wouldn’t leave overnight, you could feel hope swelling inside of you as you drifted to sleep in his arms. You’d never felt this loved by anyone, never felt so at home before. As you dreamt, your mind painted vivid pictures of a happy life—a life certainly not wasted, a life filled with love. A redefined idea of home, here in Din’s arms.
•••
taglist: @joelmillerscoffee @ajeff855 @wildemaven @axshadows @sherala007 @browneyes-issac @tooflef @mariasabana @tae27 @kimm4710 @stxrrylunatic @paulalikestuff @jbh-castaway @mandomover @chxpsi @marvel-sw-lover @jediknight122 @harriedandharassed @star-wars-fan-2005 @alwaysdjarin @trickstersp8 @idkifimaliveanymore @trinkets01 @chloeinpink @alwaysdjarin @tizylish @jessie-skywalker @come-hell-or-eldren-fire @dindjarinsmut @jlmaddinson @ladyrebel25 @lexloon @awholelottayeehaw @hungrhay @bxmxtx @funnymcfunbunz @graciexmarvel @a-phan-of-youtube @whoodat @laureliciousdefinition (sorry if your tag isn’t working! as always, let me know if you’d like to be removed/added!)
#pedro pascal#pedro pascal fic#pedro pascal fanfiction#din djarin angst#din djarin fic#din djarin fanfiction#din djarin fluff#din djarin x you#din djarin x reader#din djarin oneshot#din djarin#mando angst#mando x you#mando x y/n#mando fluff#mando x reader#mandalorian x reader#mandalorian x y/n#the mandalorian fanfiction
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"It's not abuse if it doesn't break any bones" and other lies you can tell yourself
An incoherent(?) ramble(?) about the effects of certain "punishments" from the perspective of someone who realizes they didn't turn out fine
I was hit and yelled at from the age of about two to a time I have no memory of. I wasn't even a bad kid, I just didn't understand social rules (autistic) and got upset easily (little kid).
All I remember from when it would happen was the pain and fear. I don't know what I did to make them so mad. That's a problem.
Because they never bothered to explain what I did wrong, I didn't get that what I did was bad. I assumed that they didn't love me and that I was irredeemable.
Once, I was hit just because I was crying because I got yelled at for no reason. My mother likes to threaten punishments for showing emotions pretty damn often for someone who claims she's okay.
They used to lock me in my room. Now I do it myself so others can't do it for me. I'd love to feel safe going out without being scared of being forcefully isolated again.
I grew up with horrible self-esteem issues as a result. I hated myself and assumed everyone else hated me, too. I was suicidal from the age of around five (which I only know due to a diary my mom bought me and decided it was perfectly fine to snoop through). I got yelled at for that, too. It made it worse.
I still can't trust my parents because of what they did. Loud noises, especially literally anyone yelling, cause me to have panic attacks. I hate being touched unless I personally initiate it or the other person asks very specifically if the form of physical affection they're looking for is okay because it makes me anxious. I'm unable to communicate effectively with others and quick to resort to verbal or physical violence because, believe it or not, it's hard to get past things you internalize as a little kid.
Part of why I refuse to even adopt a kid is that I'm scared of being like my parents. I don't want to make another human being feel like they're just an object for people to take their anger out on or to teach them to view others in that way.
Because of how my parents treated me, I struggle to maintain stable relationships. I blow things out of proportion and make them the problem of people who were never involved to begin with. People are either totally evil (my parents) or completely perfect (the few people who actually stay around that aren't obligated to) with absolutely no in-between. I'm not a person, but a ceramic doll that's been completely shattered and then shoddily glued back together without all the pieces because some of them were either turned to dust or simply lost.
I dissociate a lot. Usually, it's derealization (disconnection from the world) or depersonalization (disconnection from the self), but it's also things like feeling like someone else got yelled at or hit or locked in that room for simply being alive.
Tangentially related to that point is that I just... don't have an actual identity. I can’t even answer basic questions like what my favorite color is.
My name is anything but my deadname, and my pronouns are any but the ones associated with my agab... which could easily be because of the association I have with that specific name and those specific pronouns, so I doubt myself on my own gender identity.
I could give you a list of things I do to waste time and call them hobbies, but hobbies are something you enjoy. I don't really enjoy anything at all anymore.
Online strangers, like MatPat and some of my Tumblr mutuals, and various fictional characters are more like family than my parents have ever been, or ever will be. Because they're actually nice to me.
So maybe think twice before treating a kid like they're subhuman just because they're young.
#written at 1-ish am my time (send help)#vent ish#okay to reblog#child abuse#parenting#childhood trauma
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SOMEBODY. STOP. ME.
Well its too late now cause I'm here !! >:D
I was very scared at first because I read the rules and you do not write toxic relationships but in my scenario its actually not that toxic to be honest
Okay okay. And you know me love yep my scenario is always with König lolll but if you felt uncomfortable you can always change character!
Now the plot is the Reader have a boyfriend. Yes you heard right Reader have a 'boyfriend' and that 'boyfriend' is not König. König and reader are very good friends and they always keep thing professional at work together but König has a HUGE crush on them. The problem is? Yes THEY HAVE A BOYFRIEND. But their relationship are not that great going. At first its was okay but years past by the reader and their boyfriend start separate apartment or neither they go to dinner together. König is the one who always need to comfort reader when ever they cried over that dumbass boyfriend again and again. And you know our baby boy don't like to see his beloved cried :(
This is where your idea need to come in and fills up the plot. Reader and their boyfriend broke up (maybe the boyfriend cheated or anything you comfortable with ♡) and reader just never when to work for like weeks, until König came up to their apartment door and saw they crying none stop (THIS IS SO BAD I FELT BAD) of course he will comfort them first and let them explain everything. You know König eyes would light up when the reader said they broke up with that boyfriend of theirs but König also doesn't want to put any pressure on them too, So maybe he can wait for another year until he confess his feelings? After all they're always been his sunshine that brighten his days and he's always the moon that comfort them everytime they felt low.
THIS IS JUST THE PLOT AND I'M ALREADY FELT BAD OMG. THIS IS KINDA BAD I'M SORRY AAAAA T-TTTT
( I think I got this idea from the fics I read but I forgot.. )
You’re literally feeding all konig lovers (which is also me). And dw love I feel comfortable with this request. I will write cheating just not like verbal/physical abuse yk. (cause ive seen people make ghost & reader relationships like that and i was like what?!?!)
But I LOVE THIS IDEA like konig deserves that title of boyfriend 🤚. I’ve also seen other fics like this so i think i have an idea on how to go about it. SO IMA START WRITING 😌🫶.
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AAHHHHH WJDIEKDKWLW THIS WAS THE CUTEST CHAPTER EVER!!! 😭😭😭🥰🥰🥰😍😍😍😭😭😭😭
helloo bestie how are you? i'm curious anon who missed kendall's birthday chapter because i was so busy but hey lucky i'm here today because i really missed reading porce and stewy <333 (about that chapter: i still can't believe in the audacity of a random man hitting on porce with stewy literally next to her BUT not everyone has a husband like hers so it wasn't a concern try again!!! and kendall being an asshole what a surprise..)
but let's talk about now and how it was so beautiful and so cute and how i never want to get pregnant or have kids but i felt like i had just given birth and i liked it lol
a baby with stewy hosseini? PLEASE I clearly and totally could change my beliefs for this 🥺
roman being.. roman, i confess i laughed because he's such an idiot but it was so real i'm sure he would actually say it in the show lmao and imagining him making that same joke when jonathan was bigger, at a dinner like "I think you old enough to know the truth" and everyone please don't 🤦🏻♀🙄
logan showing some love?? omg?? for a baby?? but lol I know it's real because I've seen people who don't have a good relationship with their parents but parents just love their grandchildren, guilt? I don't know but at least it wasn't bad and shiv, yes no one expected her to show up or send a card and I'm sure she was mad for not giving her first grandchild to logan but whatever, at my house we don't care about her!!
and finally CONNOR IS THE BEST BROTHER, I love him and I'm happy to know he's going to be a great big uncle <33
anywayyy, sorry for so many words but I don't know how to sum it up and I like to praise when I really like something ahjxsisk
aaand watching this chapter of jonathan's birth i was curious to know more about tillie <3 her parents planning her, did it "accidentally" happen or was she planned? finding out it's a girl, telling jonathan he's going to be a big brother, telling his family.. 😭🥰😭🥰
ok enough hahaha
congratulations on another amazing chapter and have a great sunday! <333
OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH, YOU'RE SO, SO, SO, SWEET!!!! I LOVE YOU!
Hello lovely curious Nonnie! I'm a little bit tired and sore with period pain. How are you?! Hey, missing Kendall'a birthday just means that you got a 2 for 1 special for fic reading haha! Aw that's so sweet that you missed them!
This is so sweet and honestly same! 🤣 I've never gone through that and I personally don't plan to so I was googling random stuff to make sure what I knew was true. I've been to hospital before and know what that's like but I have no idea what it's like being in a hospital for childbirth, let alone at what would be a fancy, super private hospital. Buy Stewy and Jonathan are cuties, I can confirm.
Aw, I'm glad it made you laugh! Like you said, it feels like a very gross Roman thing to say. I like to try and make the characters as realistic to the show as possible and I've gotten a bit of positive feedback on that about Roman which I really appreciate. I hadn't even thought about that! I feel like he'd maybe something like that when he's a young toddler so he's verbal but wouldn't get it/remember it. But it would be more of a joke he'd just tell adults about (going to give him some emotional maturity points there lol).
Yes! That's what I was thinking of! There's definitely a phenomenon of abusive parents being much nicer to their grandchildren in comparison to how they treated their children. I don't know if there's a term for it, I'm sure there is one in psychology? But anyway I think that very much applies to Logan. Also I don't know if I'd say it's Logan sharing love and if so it's definitely not a genuine or healthy love. We know there's the thing about the bloodline and how Logan feels about that and is with Sophie and Iverson. I think that him showing up was solely for like confirmed proof that his bloodline "had been passed down" and that's what Porce had done "good" of and why he thanked her. We know Logan doesn't view his children as serious people and he doesn't take any of them seriously from the very first episode. There's this whole thing going on about all of his sons being failures and something being wrong with them and then Shiv always being held back by her gender. I think in a way he's also hoping for grandchildren as like a reset/worthy successors.
No haha. Nobody expected that from Shiv. Tom would organise a gift basket that he put far too much thought in with an interesting card and Shiv would lift her hand to just sign her name with an eye roll. I think she'd look down on it and see it as Porce sealing her fate as nothing but a mother and wife (similar with Caroline). Connor is nuts but he's a very sweet older brother, he'll be the most doting uncle and his nephew and niece will adore him!
Don't apologise! These asks with questions are such a nice change and breath of air from the asks with requests, which I'm so grateful for but are definitely a bit overwhelming at times. This also really touches me to know people care about my work so much that they think about it and take the time to come up with questions and send them to me. I love it and I'm always happy to answer any questions!!!! Thank you! I adore you so much!
These are such great questions! I think I'll explore them more in another fic similar to this Jonathan one but for Tillie! Thank you for those ideas! I think she'd maybe be "casually planned", is that a term?! But Jonathan would be close to a few years old and they'd think now wouldn't be a bad time to have another so they wouldn't be putting pressure on it but it wouldn't necessarily be an accident. If that makes sense? I think telling Jonathan could be sweet and quite funny. Despite being good at sharing and a polite little man he's used to being an only child and because his cousins are all older he doesn't quite get pregnancy etc. I think they'd have to explain it to him a few times and read some books to him on that. I could also see something silly happening like his uncle Connor asks him if he's excited to meet his baby sister and Jonathan innocently says it's not a sister but an alien in his mum's tummy and Roman finds that absolutely hilarious and makes some more affair jokes. But when Jonathan meets his younger sister he's very happy and excited!
Thank you so much lovely! When i posted that it was that late that I think it was technically Succession Monday for me already haha! I hope you had a great Succession Sunday and Monday! Thank you so much for the praise and questions, I adore you and will start writing those Tillie questions into a proper fic soon, so thank you!!! Thank you so much Curious Nonnie, you're the best! 💗
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thoughts on Uprooted, part 2
chapter 3 was uhhhhhhhh
idk I've never been a huge fan of stories where the main girl's dignity gets shoved in the garbage without any proper narrative payoff lmao and Agnieszka literally has no choice but to go along with everything like. you can't even count her beating Marek half to death here because Mr. Dragon goes ahead and (allegedly) gives the guy memories that he had sex with Agnieszka anyway... sorry hun you just NEED to be embarrassed as long as you're living with this man
okay another pet peeve: sometimes the characters say something and then the narrative goes ahead and explains it all over again. there's a huge info-dump about the Wood in the middle of a conversation that doesn't feel like it needed to go there. idk. it's just a little. cluttered and not fun to reread the same shit twice in a row, and it's not fun to get yanked out of the story by the author going "look at all this relevant information!!!!" like just draw arrows pointing at it next time and it will be less obnoxious. I mean exposition is necessary but come on. come on. I know Novik isn't an amateur but this is so clumsy and amateurish
I also just. don't like the Dragon. unlikable characters can be fun as long as they're interesting. he's just unlikable and every piece of dialogue he says just makes me dislike him more. like 99% of the 1-star reviews on GR cited him specifically for their low ratings lmao which I find oh so interesting
I also hate the way the dialogue is written but that's a me problem. I'm beginning to hate the word 'cantrip.' the magic words are still silly af and I die a little inside every time I see them
Agnieszka still feels very generic and doesn't even have a real reaction to the Dragon verbally abusing her all the damn time, I mean I guess by chapter 3 she's used to it but still. about the "oh I'll just have to make Marek think he had really bad sex with u Agnieszka" specifically I just feel like there should have been. perhaps. some outrage of some sort lmao but no it's nothing and we cut to the next day where Marek is leaving and Agnieszka is kind of generically mad and it's written about in such a lighthearted kind of way. this book is sending mixed messages and I'm not sure I like it
anyway :v I kind of had a feeling it wasn't that great when I saw the woman who wrote Serpent and Dove liked this book. that was the biggest red flag I've ever seen in my life
to be continued......
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I'm not aroace or anything, but I'm getting to a point where I don't feel interested in dating anymore. For one, no one I would be interested in is attracted to me. In fact, I am very much not-attracted to the people who are attracted to me. Especially considering that most of them are the desperate types who will go after anyone.
And when I thought I had finally found someone, it turned out they were just mirroring and love-bombing me. There were red flags I had ignored, that I can't fucking believe I overlooked because I was so convinced that they would never become toxic. And guess what? They did. In a span of two years, this person went from being the dream partner I had always wanted to being a dull, emotionally abusive nightmare. I don't want to go into too many details here because trust me, we'll be here a while. Let's just say they were the type who complained about all their exes (both of them apparently were unattractive, didn't care about her, were only using her, and were pretty lousy). And they talked about marriage and kids very early on and were very obsessed with those topics. I should have also picked up on how it felt like I wasn't being listened to at times, because it would turn out that she didn't care for my input or ideas and only wanted to do things her way. To the point where she threw a tantrum over me leaving her fandom and getting into one she wasn't interested in (silent treatment and hostility for an entire month). I basically realized that I was sacrificing who I was and giving up my autonomy to be with her. And I lost my attraction to them when they threw the month long tantrum where they sometimes verbally berated me. It felt like this person had gone from being in their mid-20's to being an eight-year-old. Bad things had happened before this point, but this really took the cake. I was like, "This person is just going to keep throwing tantrums whenever I do something they don't like (do something for myself now and then and have a life outside of them). I can't fucking live like this!"
So that's the gist of it. The two years I was with them feel like they flew right by because I was actually far more stressed out and overwhelmed than I had realized. It's been three months out of this relationship and I feel like I can actually process the passage of time now. I had also gained 25 lbs. Not a big deal. I'm not overweight rn. But still concerning. I was binging a lot from the stress. I also developed some health problems, such as gingivitis, which has gotten better and I might be on my way to completely curing it, but I now feel insecure because, while the gum recession isn't so bad, my gumline is a little uneven. And I'm worried this might lead to more dental issues in the future and possible tooth loss (I'm going to do my best to prevent it and keep money on the side for oral surgery and implants if necessary). I was suffering from brain fog and got to a point where I felt like I couldn't learn anything in school. So I have been taking a break from college. I was doing things that were out of character for me. Like impulsively buying shit and getting insanely angry and argumentative with people. It was a horrible two years. I feel like I lost a part of my life to this relationship. I can't even look at the good times all that fondly because I realize they were never real. It was all fake. And it hurts because I let myself get vulnerable with this person and gave them a piece of myself. And I can't get that piece of myself back.
I remember for a brief moment wishing I could find someone who loved me and would treat me right while going through the post-relationship brain fog. And the things I was seeking out seemed like a repeat of the love bombing stage, but more intense. I probably would have just gotten into another toxic relationship. I was so used to having a partner that feeling alone just didn't feel right. And I was worried that no one would ever love me because I thought that person had and now I still feel like they never really did. I was convinced that this was the best I could do and I was devastated.
Now? Fuck that. I don't want a repeat of any of this. And I don't want to go through something even worse. I've been doing so much research on toxic relationships, and learned so many things I hadn't known before. But even then, what if I just ignore the red flags again? I can't trust my judgement anymore. I'd much rather be single for the rest of my life because I am so much happier now.
The only thing I don't like about this is how weird it feels sometimes shipping two characters together. Romance in fiction just doesn't feel the same to me anymore. It's harder for me to get immersed because I find it hard to believe that two people can genuinely be so happy together. And for decades, centuries, millennia. It's absurd to me. I know happy relationships exist, but it's hard not to think about what I had just been through. It's fine, I wouldn't mind indulging in content with less romance in it anyway. I still hate how I straight up sometimes feel shame making characters act romantic though. Because sometimes innocent actions I made a character do in a relationship would get scrutinized by my ex (rp). And I felt like I wasn't allowed to do certain things irl. For instance, making a character cry or be upset with something was just seen as manipulative. Certain kinds of intimacy were seen as weird and annoying. S*x went from being embraced to being something that would annoy them and gross them out (and irl I don't think I was ever going to get to have s*x with them despite them promising we would at some point and initially showing interest).
So yeah, I guess I now feel ashamed of some forms of intimacy and I'm trying to unlearn that. It's getting better. I don't feel as icky and sometimes it feels great making characters do things my ex didn't like seeing characters do. I feel like I'm making it a point to give them the healthy relationship I had wanted irl (my tastes and standards have changed and I now know better what I actually want). For instance, I let one partner enjoy their hobbies without being scrutinized for it. It's so fucking liberating.
So yes, less romance in fiction works for me. But I also like how I can make the relationship whatever I want in fiction. Again, idk if I'll ever find a healthy partner. This was my only relationship, but I'm neurodivergent and come from a toxic family. I'm kind of just a magnet for unhealthy people. I'd be okay with just not dating anyone and having a bunch of friends. I know friends can be toxic too, but I've had better luck with them. I think our views of romance make it too easy for someone to control you through shit like marriage and kids.
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As promised: let's talk Hades, and how acts of abuse can create toxic environments for everyone around them, and also how people react to those environments--and to them being disrupted.
(For reference, I have just kicked Theseus's ass for the first time, it was exactly as satisfying as it was intended to be, and then I got predictably slaughtered a couple of chambers into Styx. Spoilers for everything through that point, but please no spoilers in reblogs/comments for anything after that!) Also, TW for a whole lot of discussion of abuse, particularly verbal and emotional abuse, and abusive familyworkplace dynamics.
Okay, so. To start out with, Hades is an abusive parent. He engages in innumerable acts of verbal and emotional abuse towards his son, because yep, that's what you call it when a parent constantly berates and belittles their kid for every perceived failure, including the ones the parent themselves could have prevented. Sometimes especially the ones the parent could have prevented. Zagreus failed at his office clerk job because Hades refused to teach him how to do it and then blamed him for not already knowing how. Cerberus tore up the lounge because Hades, who was actually there, chose not to stop him. Hades created, possibly deliberately, and then took full advantage of every opportunity he saw to insult and demean his kid, and the clerk job flashback shows us that he was doing so even before the escape attempts started. I'm pretty sure we're all on the same page here, but: yep, that all constitutes abuse, even if they're gods. Even if Hades has reasons for Being Like That. Even if you think Zagreus seems okay and unharmed by it (which: repeatedly throwing yourself into a gauntlet of violence that inevitably ends in your own pain and death because you're so desperate to escape home, not actually an indicator of someone who's okay). We all good on that?
Cool. Because I'm not really here to talk about how Hades' abuse directly impacts Zagreus right now (although there's for sure an essay in that too). I'm thinking about how it impacts everybody else.
Hades isn't as obviously unreasonable with anybody else in his kingdom the way he is with his kid. When we see him lecture somebody else, it's usually for an actual failure to do their job: Hypnos for literally falling asleep on the job and not doing anything that was assigned to him, Megaera for letting us past her so many time, Orpheus for being a court bard who refuses to sing. His attitude is super confrontational and unpleasant, but on the surface it doesn't necessarily look as fucked-up. Thing is, though, whether any individual act of aggression towards an employee/family member is justified or not (I would generally argue 'not', because aggression towards employees/family members is, y'know, not justifiable)--it's not about the individual acts. It's about the entire cultivated atmosphere of toxicity and abuse.
One of the very first things Meg ever says to us is, "I'd rather be on your bad side than his." Up until that point, we've got no reason to believe Meg has any history whatsoever of fucking up at her job. In fact, we've got plenty of reason to believe she's good at it. She's fiercely proud of it, she's frequently Employee Of The [Time Period], and we've apparently never even met her sisters because she handles her shit herself. But she's still scared of Hades. Dusa, who is an anxious wreck at all times because oh god what if she gets fired what if she gets fired what if she gets fired, in spite of apparently being absolutely exemplary at her job, is scared of Hades. Every single shade in the Hall is clearly terrified of Hades, and it's not because of what he's done to each of them. It's what they've seen him do to other people.
Which is how toxic environments work, whether they're work environments or families. The Court of Hades is of course both, always, with the bonus hell layer of you can't quit even if you DIE. An abuser in authority doesn't have to target you in order to make you feel scared, cowed, and desperate to please them. Humans (and gods who are basically extra-powerful humans) are good at learning by example. The residents of the Court get the picture.
So this Court is a minefield--and everyone except Zagreus is very good at tiptoeing around mines. We see it in Meg, so desperate to do her job well. We see that Hypnos very clearly does not give a shit about anything, but he still makes sure to have a list of excuses ready if/when Hades ever confronts him about failure to do his job, just in case. We see it when Achilles tells us that my ability to help you is constrained by the authority your father gives me, or whatever the line was sixty runs ago when he couldn't let me into locked chambers. The system, such as it is, works, and if Nyx talks to Hades as little as possible, if Thanatos avoids the Court entirely, if Achilles treads very carefully and knows how to keep his head down--well that's just the system, right? That's just how things are.
Even Zagreus seems to have had a role in that system as the court fuckup. He's the kid who didn't have a real job or purpose. He could take the focus of Hades' generalized, day-to-day ire off of everyone else, without triggering some of the more direct and violent ire because the work he was doing didn't really matter (a LOT of Hades' rage-triggers seem to be related to job performance, which means that the people with real jobs are of course the most at risk). And he could do so "safely" (big emphasis on the quotation marks there) because he alone of the court is Hades' actual kid, who's Prince of the Underworld no matter how much he fucks up. If one of Nyx's other kids gets something really really wrong, she might be able to protect them from some consequences, but Hades doesn't have any layer of supposed parental affection holding him back from getting violently furious about it. Zagreus gets a nice bedroom and the abuse is limited to words rather than divine power, and Hades is a dick to everyone but he only occasionally condemns people to eternities of torture, and only for good reasons like refusing to sing when your job is to be court bard, so it's fine, everybody's fine, everything's totally fine, right?
Except it's not fine when everybody is so clearly worried about anything going wrong. And it's especially not fine for Zagreus, who's the person to finally say no. He's leaving, for his own sake, because he deserves better and he's finally convinced he can have it. And that turns the whole system into disarray.
I am endlessly fascinated by the ways this game portrays different characters reacting to this upheaval in their carefully-mapped minefield. It's different for authority figures and peers and servants, different based on how people are positioned in the house under Hades' rule, and it's so spot-on and I love it.
Nyx, for instance, is absolutely calm about the whole thing, because Nyx has power. Hades can't hurt her. Hades can't even really do much against her children, not when Hypnos and Thanatos are gods in their own right. Yes, Hades rules the kingdom, but Nyx owns the land, and she gives no shits about his rages. And it's interesting, too, to see the lines she doesn't draw. The deal seems to be that Hades doesn't fuck with her, and doesn't outright threaten her kids (because Hypnos is bad at his job, demonstrably so, and Hades hasn't ruined him yet), and she doesn't interfere with the way he treats the people around him. She gives Zagreus advice and support and the mirror, but she also doesn't take a direct stand against Hades. He can't hurt her, but he could make life...difficult. She's protected, her position in the minefield is more of a safe viewing platform than slogging through the middle of it, but the mines are still there.
And then we have Achilles, who is one of my favorite characters in the whole game because of how he reacts to this whole situation. Achilles, like Nyx, is so supportive. Every single time you see him he has something encouraging to say. He gives us his Codex, secretly finds us weapons, trained us for years, clearly wants us to succeed. And still he's limited, not necessarily out of fear for himself (though he has to be scared for himself, he knows what Hades does to people who anger him), but out of concern that if he gives Zagreus too much help in one way, he won't be able to provide help at all later. He's still so careful.
Achilles and Nyx are so fucking important to this story because they're the only authority figures Zagreus really has in his life except for his father, and they are so supportive. They're what keep this story from being a nightmare of psychological horror and depression. They can't stop the pressure from Hades and this life in his house being miserable for Zag, but they can give us hope, remind us that Zagreus is still loved. And they have such an incredibly important role when it comes to guilt, which is one of the biggest ways toxic systems maintain themselves.
If Zagreus leaves, what happens to everybody else? Who takes Hades' wrath then? Who becomes court scapegoat if he's not there, and also, who gets punished for his escape? These questions matter, and we see him worry about it! He asks Nyx and Achilles both, is it going to be okay that you're helping me, are you going to be alright, will my father hurt you for this? And they are both so firm about telling him no. No, I will be fine. See, here's the list of reasons about why I'm going to be fine, why my position in this minefield is secure. They make a point of telling us that it's fine, that we do not need to hold ourself back from getting out of this abusive situation for their sake. That is instrumental in Zagreus's ability to keep making these escape attempts without feeling too guilty and worried and selfish to go on. (Another thing that's actually really important in setting up that dynamic--we see that Hades cares about Cerberus, even if he's using him as a pawn against us, and Cerberus seems to be the one figure in court who Hades doesn't get mad at. The dog isn't at risk, and that is really essential in keeping the story from getting too grim.) These people who we care about refuse to let themselves be held hostage to secure our good behavior.
It's also really useful for raising the stakes later in the story--we see Hades arguing with Nyx once or twice, and we see Zagreus feeling guilty about it, but it's also a sign that we're making enough progress to piss him off. After I finally made it out of Elysium on my last run, I came home to find him furious with Achilles in a way that actually makes me nervous, because Achilles does not have nearly as much security in his position as he says he does. (Achilles is such a good teacher/authority figure, because he knows goddamn well what Hades could do to him, and still refuses to let fear for his own situation stop him from helping the abused kid under his care escape his. And no, not everybody has the capacity to do that, but it matters so much coming from the guy who helped raise us. It matters so much. I do not even have the words for how much.)
It's also no mistake that many of the people we find supporting us along our journey are either the people with the most power in their immediate environment, or the least. Sisyphus helps us because what more could they do to me than this? Orpheus is a little wild around the eyes and somewhat disconnected from reality, and he wishes us the best because someone should get what they want and also he no longer gives a single fuck what happens to him. Eurydice has her own cozy little corner of Asphodel, as safe from Hades' rage as anybody anywhere in his realm because she's tucked in such an out-of-the-way middle place she's outside his notice. Dusa is so scared of everything anyway that, crush aside, she isn't any more threatened by us escaping than she is just by her everyday life here. Charon is unfathomable and unstoppable; Skelly literally exists to be a punching bag, and yet he also seems basically immune to pain, no matter what we do to him. There's no threat from Hades there.
So the people most at risk when I flip the world on its ear are the ones who have so much standing that they have something to lose, but not enough to protect them from losing it. Which of course brings us to Than and Meg--who are, of course, the two people who also seem by far the most upset by my attempts to leave.
As authority figures, Nyx and Achilles are constantly reinforcing the message that it's Hades' fault, not ours, if they or anybody else get caught in the crossfire of his wrath. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and it's not my guilt to bear. From Megaera and Thanatos, we get the opposite message--I am fucking with things, I am hurting people, and I need to stop. Zagreus isn't just abandoning them, as a friend or brother or lover or all of the above they're Greek gods who even knows. He's betraying them. They were in this together, as friends or lovers or whatever, but now Zagreus is sending earthquakes through the minefield they both still have to stand in. He is about to capsize this boat in the middle of a thunderstorm, he is fucking with the system, and they're the ones who are going to get most hurt.
I'm so curious how this is going to work for Than, who out of everyone we meet holds the closest role to Nyx's in terms of being sheltered from Hades' wrath. He's the guy who gets to leave, after all, even though he always has to come back. I've seen the least of him out of anybody so far because it took forever for me to get to Elysium, but two things really stand out and I'm so interested to see where they go. One, he really genuinely does care about Zagreus. He wants us safe, he wants us unhurt, the accessory he gives us only grants its bonus if we clear a room without taking injury, he keeps showing up to help. And two, he wants us to give up and go back and recognize how good we had it. Which is SO fucking interesting, considering how miserable Zagreus so clearly was, and how legitimate his reasons for being miserable were.
It makes me wonder so much about Than's standards for comparison. Does he know something we don't about what's waiting for us on the surface, something that might theoretically hurt Zagreus even more than staying down below? Has his life, which apparently allows him more freedom than anybody else in the Court, sucked horribly in ways we haven't seen, and that's why he spends so little time there in the first place? Either of those things is plausible, both of those things are plausible, and yet either one leads to this sense of patronizing, because he refuses to simply tell us. If something terrible is awaiting us, don't give us vague warnings, tell us what it is and let us decide for ourself! If you're fucking jealous because we might get out entirely and you're still stuck coming back here, say so. If you're worried about your mom--and he does bring her up, how could Zagreus turn his back on her like that, does seem to worry for her--then let's have an actual conversation about how many times she has insisted I do this and also how much I love her.
And, right, it's clear that a lot of Thanatos being upset is simply, you were going to leave me without even saying goodbye, you want to leave ME, which is understandable! But, like, he is demonstrably the one god who gets to visit the surface. He's the one person we actually COULD expect to see again. And he is absolutely also upset because there's an Order To Things, and we're fucking it up. We used to be his careless callow reckless friend who could talk back to Hades and get away with it, and now we're not, and everything is changing and we might leave him altogether, and we might leave him alone in that court without us, and he hates it.
Is it a short-sighted, selfish fear on his part? Yes, absolutely. Even if he's not scared of Hades on his own behalf, he is still frightened by what happens if we upset this system--and maybe it's the sanctity of a much bigger system than the Underworld that he's worried about! Maybe it's the whole divine and cosmic order. Whatever system he wants so badly to protect is enabling the abuse Zagreus has been dealing with for however-long he's been alive. Whatever system he wants so badly to protect OUGHT to be overturned, or at least shaken up. But this is what toxic systems DO. They convince the people within them that they have to be maintained, that a broken system that hurts the people within it is far better than no system at all, that changing the world is too scary and too dangerous. And Thanatos wants his whatever-Zagreus-is-to-him to be there, because he loves him and also because that's how the world works, and those things are all tangled up in one another, and that is how relationships are in a messed-up family like this so therefore I love it.
And Meg. Meg, the best for last, my dear, beautiful, furious, bitter, scared angry tired girl. I adore her. I am absolutely never going to date her, because the thing Zagreus needs most in his life hurts her, more directly than anybody else in the story, and that sucks, and it's not Zag's fault but they still shouldn't be together. Meg has taken more injury from this situation than anyone, quite literally as well as metaphorically, and it's not her fault any more than it's ours, but oh boy it has made her lash out and it's awful and it's perfect.
Meg's place in the Court of Hades is unique because she's not dead, not a mortal, not anything other than a god--but she's also not family. Nyx is not her mother. She's very much part of this system, she and her two sisters belong to Hades-the-realm and therefore also Hades-the-king, she can't leave, but she also doesn't have that protection of Nyx watching out for her in the same way. She's not royalty. She and her sisters (if you ask Hesiod instead of Virgil, which seems to be the interpretation the game's going with here) sprang from the blood of maimed Uranus at the same time as Aphrodite, but fuck knows Aphrodite isn't claiming them as siblings. And she can't be fired, exactly, but she sure can be demoted, and she sure can be made miserable in her job. Meg is vulnerable in a way very few people in Hades' employ are. She's a lot harder to do away with than any one random shade, but she's also a lot harder to miss blending in with a crowd.
What's more, she's the one person in this whole mess who is specifically tasked with stopping us from leaving. Hypnos isn't ordered to put us to sleep and keep us in our room. Thanatos can't be compelled or punished if he doesn't hunt us down. Achilles isn't told to lock us up and keep the keys. Meg is the one stationed at the doorway to Tartarus to keep us in. Meg is the one who gets in trouble when we leave. Meg (who Hades knows goddamn well Zagreus cares for, or cared for, who he absolutely knows we used to date) is the one who has to fight us again and again and again. And she's the one who keeps dying.
Again, it's this incredibly fucked-up guilt/hostage situation deliberately designed to keep people from fleeing abusive situations. Meg's insistence on fighting us now puts Zagreus in the position of having to hurt her himself again and again. Now suddenly we're the ones sticking a sword in our ex-girlfriend. Now suddenly someone can point to our desire to leave, to flee, to escape, and say, how selfish. How cruel. How terrible of us to want to go, when we're even willing to hurt the people we love to do it.
Except, right: Hades is the one who demands Meg stand there and stop us. Hades is the one who puts both of us in that position. Meg is also in an abusive situation, and she's willing to hurt us to protect herself. "I'd rather be on your bad side than your father's." It's easy to blame her at the start for being complicit, for being a tool of our father's abuse, for being on his side. It gets harder as the game goes on. I've killed her so many times. There's no way for her to beat me. She knows at this point that she can't beat me. She still fights, every single time, still throws herself upon that spike, not because she thinks she has any chance of stopping me but because she is so damn scared of what will happen if she doesn't try.
In fact, Meg's the one person we have actually seen face consequences for our actions so far, instead of just facing the threat of them. Her sisters are here. Her sisters, who she clearly does not want here, who are wild and violent and who she does not want in her life or anywhere near her, let alone near the job she takes so much pride in. She gets to deal with them now. (Hades doesn't have to deal with them. They're still not allowed in his court. But Meg does.) She gets stabbed, and bludgeoned, and shot, and lightning-struck, and poisoned, and every other thing we do to her. Thanatos doesn't. Nyx and Achilles and Hypnos don't. Bug Meg? Oh yes. Meg pays.
And yes, ok, she is complicit in this system. Everybody is complicit in this system. Zagreus who's trying to escape on his own behalf instead of overthrowing his father for the sake of everyone he'd otherwise be leaving behind is complicit in this system. Pointing fingers and pulling strings of who's more at fault? and who do we blame for this? is exactly how this sort of system perpetuates itself. Your sister always talked back at the dinner table and put everyone in an even worse and more violent mood. Your coworker refuses to work more than forty hours a week so now you have to take overtime to pick up their slack. You're enabling your dad by asking your sister to shut up, you're enabling your employer by working as hard as you do so you don't get fired, everyone's at fault, everyone's to blame, everyone is--
It's not everyone. It's Hades. It's Hades at the root of everything, and probably something big and institutional and fucked-up even beyond him. But even if everyone down in this Underworld does have to be trapped here forever, even if he's trapped here forever, Hades is neither challenging the system that put them here nor trying to make that fate better for anyone else stuck with him. He's just created an entire kingdom of backbiting and misery and people who can either go along with his whims or suffer the consequences.
At this point in the game, Meg is so fucking tired. Every time we run into her in the lounge, hunched over a table, the venom in her voice when she tells us "Do I look like I have anything to say to you?" is so bitter and so exhausted. There was a system, and she knew her place in the system, and it was a system divinely ordered by the gods themselves, and sure it was cruel but that's the literal will of the universe as far as she knows it. She had a role, and her role was vengeance and punishment and violence against those who'd committed the most egregious of sins in life, and there was a point to it, she was the divine deterrent to convince people not to do those things, and that was just, and that was right. The GODS THEMSELVES said so. How do you argue with that? You can't possibly argue with that!
And Zagreus is arguing with that. In trying to leave, he's questioning the unbreakable rule that nothing in the Underworld ever gets to leave it. In disobeying his father to do so, he's questioning the unbreakable rule that what the gods say is LAW. He's breaking everything.
And of course he's not trying to do any of that. He's not trying to destabilize the system at all. He's just trying to get himself out of it, to a place where he feels like he belongs and maybe a parent who's slightly nicer to him than this one. But toxic systems like this one break when the people within them have access to another option. When the kids find a way to actually leave, and not answer the phone, and not come home for holidays, and not deal with it any more. When the employees have the economic freedom to quit. When opportunities granted by education, money, social support, etc etc etc, show up and give people a choice. Even if the option is only ever for Zagreus--he's demonstrating that an option exists. Which is, of course, the one thing the system cannot ever allow.
I really like this game.
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so I mentioned seeing a terrible take saying shigaraki was beyond saving because he willingly murdered his father, and I was gonna leave it be but actually I'm still pissed off about it so here goes nothing:
Shigaraki Tomura, Unreliable Narrator or: Why Shimura Tenko Did Not Intentionally Kill His Father
tw for talks of child abuse - physical, emotional, and psychological - below the cut
okay, so - the aforementioned flaming bad take is obviously based on these caps:
these are taken from 236, when we learn about tomura's (or rather, tenko's, because I think there needs to be a distinction between the two in this case) childhood. from the outset, this seems cut and dry - if you don't read anything other than this, I would excuse you for thinking this is just another case of "crazy kid seeks bloodlust, kills family."
I'm here to tell you why that's a load of bullshit.
okay, let's cover some bases, and talk a little bit about child psychology:
During their development between the age of two to five, children do not understand that death is irreversible. [x]
as we learn in 235, tenko is five when his quirk begins to manifest - his skin starts to dry around his eyes, he develops an itch, and we can assume shortly afterwards is when the actual decay quirk forms.
as stated above, preschool aged children do not have the same concept of death as adults; they think of death as temporary, even fixable. this is how you get children saying things like "but how can grandma breathe all the way down there?" and "did it hurt when they burned daddy?"; to a preschool aged child, death is akin to taking a trip - it is something that can be returned from. [x]
to say that tenko - a child of five years old who has already gone through abuse (a common effect - even in cases where the abuse is not physical - of which being stunted emotional growth/development, and in particular difficulty understanding the consequences of their actions [x] [x] [x]) understands the finality of death enough to comprehend the consequences of a quirk that has only just developed, immediately after the trauma of physical abuse from his father and then unwillingly causing the death of the rest of his family, is absolutely absurd.
"but he said he knew what he was doing!" you say.
now we're really getting into the meat of this, let's talk about a couple reasons as to why shigaraki tomura is an unreliable narrator.
tomura - not tenko, because it's important to remember this is shigaraki that is recounting these events to us - does say that he believes that in some way he did this on purpose.
however, I am once again going to bring our friend context back into the equation.
shigaraki tomura has undergone serious indoctrination by all for one for the majority of his life, the majority of which being in his formative years, and especially regarding this particular event. the entirety of afo's introduction in regards to tomura's origin story literally revolves around the death of his family and his "itch to kill," so let's talk about some ways in which afo might have affected tomura's perception of that day:
1. forgotten memories
this is the most out there, and the most tinhat-ty of the theories, so I'm getting it out of the way first. I think it's worth it to put in here anyway, because it does still touch on afo's overwhelming influence, but this is pretty much all speculation.
in 237, tomura mentions the memories of "that day" being repressed up until his fight with re destro when they come back to him. the theory is that these memories - and by proxy, the feelings that came with them - were placed into his head by afo as a child, and are not reflective of his actual actions/feelings.
like I said, I think this is the weakest argument in this particular context, but it would explain some of the convenient events (i.e. the grandson of shimura nana, the one person afo wants on his side, just so happening to kill his family) that lead to tenko meeting afo. it's an interesting idea, and one I like, but it's not the one we're gonna focus on for this argument.
2. a helping hand
sit back and watch me girlboss and gatekeep this shit, cause this is where we really start to talk about gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where a person or group makes someone question their sanity, perception of reality, or memories. [x]
regardless of whether afo orchestrated the death of tenko's family as posed in the above theory or not, it's irrefutable that he is the first and only person to to offer tenko support following the incident. this puts afo in a position of power and worship over tenko, which is the perfect breeding ground for this type of psychological abuse.
afo praises tenko, tells him he's powerful, and that he's proud of him, gives him his name, and assures him that it's okay to want to hurt the people who have hurt him, and not only that, but that they deserve it when he does.
afo creates an environment where tenko/tomura worships the ground he walks on, then builds the narrative that the ones who hurt us deserve to be punished. so why would tomura, who blatantly in the text says he felt immense guilt for killing his family, not try to lessen that guilt by saying they deserved it?
3. scratching the itch
"but what about the itchiness? he said it went away when he killed his father, it's obviously tied to his need to decay, he can't be saved if his instinct is to destroy!"
I'm going to pose a little theory here: tomura's itchiness is not a symptom of his quirk. it's a psychosomatic disorder caused by the abuse from his father, and then later heightened by the abuse he received at the hands of afo.
Psychosomatic disorder [is a] condition in which psychological stresses adversely affect physiological (somatic) functioning to the point of distress. [x]
tenko's itching starts near enough to the development of his quirk that it's pretty easy to see why the two might be related, it's also shown to be in DIRECT correlation with any time his father verbally or physically abuses him. the first time we see him itching, it's after his father drags him across the house. he also says in the text that it (his face) "gets itchy when I'm at home," meaning it mainly manifests in environments his father is in.
afo abuses this knowledge, and turns it into a weapon used to create the "symbol of fear" he's always wanted - he tells tomura that holding back will only intensify the itch; he has to let go if he wants it to ever truly go away. the itching stopped when he killed his father (because finally, his abuser - the stressor for this reaction - was gone), so it must be natural! it must be natural for him to want to destroy, so he should follow his heart, and that will make afo proud.
and the only thing tomura has ever wanted to do was make afo proud.
let it be known, I'm not arguing any of this to take away tomura's agency or absolve him of his crimes - he absolutely has killed people knowingly, and with full consciousness. but the idea that tomura - or any child - was "born evil" or can never be saved because of actions done under extreme stress, and tainted by further psychological abuse, is fucked up, and it just straight up is not backed up by the text.
tomura's whole character is based on the fact that if someone had been there to save him, he would not have grown up to be the way he is today. to put the blame of his character on his quirk, or his personality, or just the fact he was born fucked up shows a blatant disregard for the themes of his character, and the themes of bnha as a whole.
no one is too far gone that they can't be saved. especially not a scared little kid looking for comfort when they never had any.
#shigaraki tomura#bnha#bnha meta#shigaraki meta#tenko shimura#league of villains#all for one#i dropped out of my english degree cause i couldnt write anything that wasnt spiteful and angry#can you tell?#bones.writ#mha#mha meta#*vibrating at a frequency only dogs can hear* yeah i love shigaraki tomura a normal amount#cant write an essay for school but i can spend four hours talking about how much i love this walking corpse boy#tw child abuse#tw childhood trauma#tw gaslighting#shigaraki
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Kana dear I need your advice😭😭😭 as a huge Eren simp I love this guy with all my heart but recently I've been having these silly thoughts about last manga chapters and how eremika became canon and couldn't stop thinking: how can I read something with Eren and reader when it's been confirmed that he loves some certain girl and this girl is Mikasa? Like it is the only true girl for him since it's canon and not us (readers). It also seems to me that Mikasa's type is the only type that he could fall in love with and this type is not "reader" most of the times😭😭😭 I feel like I'm desperately in love with a real boy who loves another girls and it pains me so much💔💔💔😔😔😔 that's why I wanted to have your opinion on this, have you ever had such thoughts/what do yoi think about it?
I'll answer this below the cut. If you like Mikasa, or if you ship Eremika, or if you can't handle people having different opinions, please do NOT read this post.
Okay, this is completely my own opinion and you are very welcome to disagree but since you're asking my thoughts about it, I'll try to be as honest with you as possible.
First of all, I do not ship myself with Eren, but I can understand and relate to people who do. I never imagined myself as y/n or "reader" when i read eren x yn fics. I just imagine him getting together with my OC.
now, I've been a fan of AOT for eight years, and I'm sure as hell that AOT isn't a love story, which is why I hate chapter 138-139 with a passion because they made it seem like it is what with ymir loving karl fritz for years, and mikasa finally ending the curse because she could finally break free from her love for eren. like the whole thing doesn't make any sense. everything was retconned in the end.
and i'm not sure why do you think eren is in love with mikasa because to me, he only cares about her like how a brother would love his sister. isayama had stated so many times in the past that Eren saw her that way. hell, Eren had a lot more chemistry and interactions with Armin than he was with mikasa. eremin should've been canon
sorry to say, but eren has been treating mikasa like an absolute garbage from day one. i love eren, god i love him so much, but he's a total sociopath who abused his "loved one" aka mikasa both mentally, physically and verbally. plus, this scene right here?
a lot of people seem to think that this is eren's love confession, as in he's saying he's been in love with her all this time, that he loves her so much, he doesn't want her to forget him for ten years bla bla bla but honey? look at what he's saying
he wants her to be hung up on him. he doesn't want her to move on from him. he doesn't want her to find another man. like??? how toxic can he be??? how selfish can he be??? for someone who's always been willing to sacrifice himself for greater good (like when he was with historia), he can't even let his lover move on with her life? wants her to mourn for him forever? people are like "that's natural, he's having a breakdown at that moment, he's only 19. this is the real eren." oh my god, please, are we going to ignore his whole character development in season 4? because that wasn't the real eren? also he's saying those words after he treated mikasa like trash all this time when she has clearly showed her feelings for him many times, i'm???? this is so bad.
eren doesn't love her. he just likes the attention she gave him. he likes having someone chase after him, likes to see them get desperate on getting even a sliver of his affection. this is sick. it's sickening. eren isn't supposed to act like this. this is not the eren i'm in love with.
so no, baby, you don't have to be worried about mikasa. he's not in love with her.
now, if you're talking about historia though, that's when you should get worried lmaoooo cause eren is always so gentle around her. like whenever i write about eren interacting with yn in my fic, I always think about how he behaved around historia. the way he smiled when she smiled, the way he scratched his neck awkwardly when he was around her. the way they had meaningful conversations together, the way they understand each other's personalities. the way he noticed when she hadn't been smiling much. the way he literally tried to go into a fucking blizzard to look for her, cried and yelled at his friends that he wanted to save christa when she was kidnapped. he admired how strong she was several times, even literally told her "you're amazing" at some point and I don't think eren ever behave like that with other girls.
and unlike mikasa who has her own ideal version of eren, historia accepts him the way he is, just like how he accepts her true personality when everyone else likes krista persona better, and that's why eren opens up to her about everything, even the things he couldn't say to his friends. and the whole "I'm willing to die but I cannot sacrifice historia" thing is just... now that's romantic in my eyes, which is why I ship them together, because they do make sense. historia saved his life, brought him back from the brink of depression. she even killed her own father--the last person who was biologically related to her, mind you--so eren wouldn't need to sacrifice himself, and eren sees the true form of freedom in historia during that cave scene. isayama wrote their relationship so beautifully. subtle, but very beautiful.
but again, AOT is not a love story. even if historia and eren did end up together, it was all for the sake of the plot to make the story better (you can read AOT no Requiem to know what I'm saying and The Lamp and The Apple theory).
you don't have to worry about eren falling in love with another woman in the story because that's not the case. he's a very goal-driven man. his goal was about to free his people, to achieve freedom for himself and his family. and even if he did love someone, baby, just create your own version of him. the new Eren that you love and loves you. This is the reason why I created so many different versions of Eren in different AUs, so you can forget canon eren (he's a clown anyway lmao that 139 is a fucking disaster) and just be with your Eren. time to move on from the manga, girl, cheer up!
#this ended up much longer than it's supposed to lmaooo#and 90% of this is just me rambling about how much i hate the ending#i'm so sorry#almost a year has passed and i'm still hurt with the way isayama wrote my boy in 139#not sure if this answers your question but i hope it helps???#aot commentary
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The Todoroki Siblings and Dabi
So, I don’t think the Todorok siblings will be upset or angry at Dabi in the end for revealing the family’s abuse to the public in that pre-recorded video. I also don’t think they’ll reject, condemn, or abandon Dabi, either. I think it’s been established that they’ve always cared for one another and respected each other’s feelings. I imagine millions of emotions will run through the Todoroki siblings knowing that Touya is alive, including shock, worry, sorrow, and grief, but in the end I think they’ll see Dabi much like Deku saw Shigaraki: “At that moment, you looked as if you were asking for help.” They're definitely emotionally intelligent enough to hold space for both understanding how he turned into a villain and honoring their own feelings. After all, the Todoroki siblings’ past traumas and their feelings about Endeavor are their uniting factor. The siblings can relate to Dabi even though Dabi reacted differently to his abuse.
Before I go on, I want to say that while we don’t know exactly what happened to Dabi, I don’t think this will change his siblings' reactions. How badly was Touya suffering that when he survived the fire, probably with third degree burns, he chose to walk away instead of going home to seek medical attention? What if he had been training in secret in order to be good enough for Endeavor and accidentally set the facility on fire and felt so much shame, terror, and inadequacy to face Endeavor that he decided going home wasn't an option? Or, what if it was just as simple as that - he faked his death to get out of an abusive home? Or what if someone else was involved in his "death"? These actions don’t say, “I don’t love my siblings,” they say, “I’m suffering because the only parent I have left is making my life miserable and I can’t take it anymore.”
Either way, did his death hurt his family? Yes. But was he responsible for taking care of his younger siblings when he himself was also a child? No. Blaming Touya for leaving his younger siblings behind would wrongly place culpability on the child/victim instead of the adult/abuser. I think the siblings are aware of this, but of course, how they feel is valid! If they do feel betrayed that Touya left them, that’s valid! I’m not trying to pre-invalidate their feelings - I’m just thinking that a simple “wow Touya betrayed us by leaving and I hate him now” would be out of character for all 3 of them and that we, as readers and outsiders, should remember Endeavor provoked all of this.
No matter what happened to Touya in the past that led him to leave the family home, I don’t think Fuyumi, Natsuo, or Shouto would blame him. Fuyumi even told Natsuo to go to college and “leave their family business to her" because she wanted what was best for Natsuo: to make a life of his own away from the house. The siblings sacrifice so much for each other. None of the siblings have ever casted responsibility on each other to take charge or play the role of the parent or savior. Not once have they blamed Rei, their mother and an adult, for not being there or for burning Shouto, so it wouldn’t make sense for them to feel angry at Touya for leaving when they were kids either. The siblings have never expected each other to fill in that protector role but Fuyumi did so voluntarily, because as the eldest female child she may have felt like she had no choice or because she was trying to fill her mother’s shoes. The siblings are a team and they’re painfully aware of who failed them: Endeavor. Dabi isn't ruining the family's healing by coming back or revealing the abuse…That's all on Endeavor, too.
Also, not to get too personal on main, but have y’all ever been banded together with your siblings against your parental abuser? It’s not always tears and wanting to die and huddling together in fear or for comfort. Sometimes it’s high-fiving your sibling when they verbally roast that parent so bad it rearranges your whole family tree’s DNA because, while you have no power at all over your situation, it’s almost like a tiny slice of justice to see the adult who mistreats you be knocked down a few pegs and take a hit to their ego. Tell me Shouto ‘that’s-a-nasty-scar-you’ve-got-there” Todoroki and Natsuo “It’ll-be-a cold-day-in-hell-before-I forgive-you” Todoroki, after the healing powers of therapy and time and also whilst slurping on soba at the dinner table, won’t fist bump Dabi for the reveal like, “Yeah, fuck dad’s bullshit!” Like I said, they share this in common with Dabi: holding their father responsible for the family's trauma. Dabi’s just really extreme and self-harming about it because of his trauma.
Anyway, that’s the TLDR version of this meta. Under this cut I’ll further discuss why it wouldn’t make sense for Fuyumi, Natsuo, and Shouto to demonize Dabi for outing Endeavor as abusive or “leaving” them because it would be out of character. I’ll analyze them individually, speculate on their individual relationships with Touya, and talk a little about the family’s dynamic as domestic abuse survivors. As a treat, I was going to discuss Dabi’s rapidly declining mental state, his views on his siblings, and what rejoining the family could look like, but this was getting way too long so please be on the lookout for a separate post for my Dabi rant. This is quite lengthy because I'm having a lot of thoughts and feelings about this family, so thanks in advance for indulging me!
First and foremost, the siblings have always been a united front. They respect, care, and go out of their way to make each other happy: Natsuo enduring Endeavor’s presence for his sister, Shouto giving Endeavor a chance for his mom and sister, both Natsuo and Fuyumi wishing they could have done more for Shouto growing up, Natsuo holding on to Touya’s memory and being angry for what Touya went through, Fuyumi holding space for Natsuo’s anger, Fuyumi asking Shouto how he feels about their dad, etc. The siblings don't even hate Endeavor for abusing them personally - their main grievance is Endeavor's abuse towards their mother and their other siblings. The siblings tend to diminish their own pain and worry about the others. Even Natsuo says it's okay if Endeavor neglected him, but he'll never forgive Endeavor for abusing Rei, Shouto, and Touya.
So, I think it would make sense they could extend that empathy and compassion to Dabi/Touya. They’ll be able to understand why he became what he is now, and why he had to "die" and leave them behind. I doubt they'll demonize him for reacting to his abuse differently than they did. It wouldn't fit, and honestly I'd question the writing if it did come out that the 3 younger Todoroki siblings guilt or scorn Dabi for what the abuse did to him. It wasn't Touya’s responsibility to "withstand" abuse and make sure he became a contributing member of society. He was a child, and that responsibility was Endeavor's. It was Endeavor's responsibility not to abuse his kids. He was the adult - the only adult, might I add, because Rei was hospitalized a little before Touya's death. I imagine Endeavor might have been a little extra unbearable right after Rei left the home because she had just hurt his “masterpiece” so it makes sense why things went down the way they did with Touya, tragically.
Anyway, it’s clear that Touya is different from who he used to be, but he’s their brother, someone they loved unconditionally and still miss. He’s still that deeply hurt person they knew so well except now he’s turned that pain into anger. They know Dabi is a product of Endeavor’s blind ambition and neglect. Underneath those black clothes and hair dye and murderous grin, they know Touya is still there somewhere. The siblings know what he went through, and Shouto, more than anyone, knows what it’s like to let hate overrun you and turn you into what you were avoiding in the first place. They’re willing to give the parent who hurt them deeply and irreparably a chance, so why would that chance not be extended to Dabi? Why would his status as a villain change the siblings’ hearts and kindness? If anything, it’ll be something more to confront Endeavor with: “Look what you led him to become. You did this, Dad.” This reveal might emphasize to Endeavor the atrocities he did to his family - he took their mother away, he took their childhoods away, he took their eldest brother and made him into a villain.
I’m not saying the siblings will approve or condone Dabi's murderous streak or trying to kill Shouto. I’m saying families and love are complicated. Even in real life people still love their family members who have committed murders - they love their relatives while also recognizing their flaws and allowing them to face the consequences of their actions. Just because someone you love commits a sin or a crime doesn't mean you stop loving them. This is a complicated situation and emotions will be everywhere, but in the end I think the siblings will be eager to get Touya back.
And, to play devil's advocate, you could say, "Well, that's exactly why the siblings would hate Dabi! They've always been a team and he left them." To that I want to point out that the siblings haven't shown to be hostile to or resentful of one another for having differing opinions or views about Endeavor or anything else, though. Fuyumi doesn't resent or blame Natsuo when he has an outburst and storms out because he can't stand being around Endeavor. She’s disappointed she can’t have a family, yes, but she doesn't guilt or shame him for his feelings. And Natsuo, despite knowing how much of a trigger Endeavor's presence is for him, still attends family gatherings to make his sister happy. Shouto wants to see what kind of father Endeavor can be only because his mom and sister seem to be giving him a chance. Neither boy looks down on their sister or mom for wanting to give Endeavor a chance. Yeah, Natsuo is confused that his mom seems to forgive and defend Endeavor so easily, but he respects her while also honoring his own feelings. I think the siblings will be able to understand that Touya left because he couldn't be around Endeavor anymore while also feeling the loss of the family they could've had.
And, to come full circle, who's to blame for ruining the family? Who drove Touya to go crying to Natsuo everyday, made him feel unlovable, and made it impossible for him to live at home? Endeavor. Again, it wouldn't make sense for the siblings to blame Touya for ruining the progress they were making as a family because Endeavor is trying to "atone" by airing his video. Touya is part of the family too and there are still a lot of unresolved feelings about him and his death. Touya’s death is something Endeavor is responsible for. Hating Dabi would be like the siblings faulting Rei for pouring boiling water on Shouto's face and going to the psych ward. They're well aware Rei wouldn't have done that if Endeavor hadn't abused her, so I think they'd apply the same logic to Dabi. He wouldn't have become a villain or left them if Endeavor hadn't trained him only to toss Touya aside once he wasn't useful. That must've been traumatic for Touya to go from the golden child to the scapegoat, and I think the siblings may have witnessed it first hand.
As for Fuyumi, it’s been theorized that she wasn’t as close to Touya because she mentioned Natsuo and Touya always played together, and she never mentioned how she feels. To that I say, has Fuyumi ever stood up for herself and advocated for herself besides, “I want my family to be together again”? She honors Natsuo’s grief for Touya by explaining why he had that emotional outburst in front of Deku and Bakugo, and she explains that Touya’s death was the final nail in the coffin for her mother’s mental health, but does she ever mention herself? Do any of the siblings ever get angry for their own sake? Like I said, these characters are worrisomely selfless. They worry about Endeavor’s abuse toward their mother but rarely emphasize that they themselves were victims too. They put everyone else’s pain above their own. Natsuo is the one who’s brought up a personal grievance - being told to stop cooking.
A lot of that probably has to do with the fact that the women of the Todoroki family aren’t as fleshed out as the men (see: the women forgiving Endeavor easily and the boys not so much for complicated reasons). Fuyumi, as the eldest FEMALE sibling, took up the role of emotional caretaker of her siblings, and that was also Endeavor’s fault. It was a role she took up because he took their mother away and she loved her siblings so much. But, if she hadn’t taken up that role, that would’ve also been valid because she herself was also a child. She shouldn’t have had to fill those shoes. Women across numerous cultures tend to mature faster - or, shall I say, are forced to grow up and take on caretaking roles. So there’s that to digest too and take into account. On top of being the eldest female child, Fuyumi is a parentified character. This woman has gone through so much and honestly she’s an angel and deserves peace for the rest of her life.
There are some takes that want Fuyumi to scold Touya or hit him for leaving her alone to take care of their younger siblings. Again, I'm not sure she would do that because it would be out of character. Her feelings would be valid of course, but the anger would be misplaced. Blaming Touya for not helping her with Natsuo and Shouto would only place responsibility on another victim instead of holding Endeavor responsible for creating a situation where Fuyumi had to take care of her younger siblings to begin with. It was never either Touya or Fuyumi’s duty to take on the role of caregiver. Yes, she has a right to feel abandoned or betrayed by Touya, but I see her respecting his feelings too, similar to how she does with Natsuo. If she does react with violence or resentment, I think it's valid, of course it's valid, but it would feel out of character because it would feel...weird, and wouldn’t make sense with how Hori has written her character so far.
Natsuo, unlike Fuyumi, isn’t easy on Endeavor. That’s not because he has a strong sense of justice but specifically because Endeavor hurt the people that Natsuo loves so so so so deeply. There’s another popular theory that Natsuo would condemn Dabi as a murder because he’s studying to be in the medical profession and thus values life. As a future medical professional too, I want to say that yes Natsuo values life and those 30 lives Dabi took was wrong at all levels, but also, I think he’d be the first to point out that Dabi didn’t one day get out of bed and think, “Yep, I want to burn some people for fun!” No, Natsuo would know this behavior was brought on by Dabi’s trauma because medical professionals also take mental health classes and are (ideally) trained to see people with compassion. On top of that, Natsuo witnessed Dabi’s trauma first hand because he was the person Touya would cry to.
And this brings me to my next point: it’s been pointed out that Dabi was abusive to Natsuo for burdening him with his trauma and crying to him wondering why he existed. Was it wrong for Natsuo to carry that emotional baggage and comfort Touya during Touya’s trauma? Yes, because Natsuo was a child. But let’s not blame Touya for this. He was a child seeking comfort and love. This whole situation is also Endeavor’s fault. If he hadn’t abused his family, Natsuo wouldn’t have had to hear Touya have a breakdown every day. Demonizing Touya for seeking comfort in the wrong person would also be wrongly placing responsibility on the victim, a child who should’ve been able to rely on a parent for emotional help.
Anyway, I doubt Natsuo would look at Dabi’s video, listen to Dabi saying, “Endeavor neglected me, beat my little brother Shouto up, abused my mother, and that’s why I’m so messed up. Endeavor isn’t who you think he is. He’s a hero who is a villain to his family” and say, “No Dabi, nothing you said could be correct because you killed 30 people! You’re invalidated because you turned your pain into criminal activity instead of dealing with it in a socially acceptable way like I did.” No, that’s unrealistic. If this is the case then I’d question Hori's writing because, again, people aren’t one dimensional, especially abuse victims. Natsuo has been advocating for Touya in his death and understood his pain the most. Those tears that Natsuo cries? Those aren’t only for him. He’s crying because it hurt to see his family members suffer back then and felt powerless to stop it. Those tears and anger were for Touya, too.
This leaves us with our half and half hero, five wee-wees, Shouto.
Dabi is on a one-track mission to kill Endeavor and anything that is Endeavor. He’s exactly what Endeavor made him...a younger version of himself, more powerful, with greater firepower and bigger ambitions. Endeavor didn’t consider his own children as anything but “my heir” or “failures”, so that’s how Dabi views himself and Shouto too. As things, as mini-Endeavors. He thinks of himself and Shouto as extensions of Endeavor. I know what you’re thinking: “That doesn't make sense at all. Dabi isn’t Endeavor, Shouto isn’t Endeavor. Shouto is innocent.” Yes, exactly, and I think that’s the whole reality of Dabi going after Shouto - it doesn’t make any rational sense because trauma doesn’t work like that. Dabi’s not in the best mental state. He’s been self-harming for months now by using his quirk, and anytime he sees Endeavor he starts losing his shit. Like I said before, he survived that fire and instead of going home, he chose to let everyone think he died and probably went on to live on the streets. Look at how he was dressed when we first met him in the manga: tattered clothing, as if they haven’t fit him in years but still wore them nonetheless. Like many kids and teens across the world who live in an abusive household, running away from home is all too real. Dabi was wrong to burn Shouto, yes, but again, let’s look at who’s responsible for his childhood trauma that led to this moment...Endeavor. I think Natsuo and Fuyumi will be worried and angry Shouto was burned by Dabi and also not condone his actions, but ultimately I hope they realize Dabi is suffering like their mother Rei was when she burned Shouto and rightfully look to Endeavor as culpable.
I could see the siblings become angry for potentially upsetting their mother but I’ve already talked about why the Dabi reveal won’t set back her recovery. Rei herself told Natsuo and Fuyumi it’s okay to talk about her abuser in front of her, so I think that says a lot about her current mental state. She’s not ready to see him in person, but mentioning him doesn’t send her into a spiral. She’s made strides. Will she experience some strong emotions and cry? Yes, probably, that's her first born, but it won't break her like Endeavor's abuse did. Again, let's fault the abuser (Endeavor) and not the victims (Dabi and the younger 3) for how they handle their trauma.
This doesn't mean the siblings won't try to convince Dabi he's wrong. They can honor his feelings of wanting Endeavor to pay for abusing him while also trying to get him to understand that Shouto is innocent and killing Endeavor and himself won't fix anything. He’s thought about it so much he snapped, after all, but the siblings will probably try to reach him some other way, similar to how Deku told Shouto, “It’s your power!” but with family memories or something. Rationalizing with Dabi won’t help because trauma brain doesn’t follow logic - it actually changes your brain.
Anyway, if anything, I think the siblings might be angry or shocked at Dabi for letting them think he’s been dead this whole time because they wanted him home, but what was Touya supposed to do? Keep in touch with them secretly? What if, much like Rei, seeing his siblings reminded him so much of his failures and of Endeavor that he had to leave and cut off contact with everyone in the family? The man abandoned his name and dyes his hair now - I sense some self loathing and repressed feelings there. This is a complicated, tragic situation for all 4 siblings, and there’s no one to blame but Endeavor because he caused all of this. No matter how much he tries to atone, he can’t undo the psychological damage done to his children.
It’ll be interesting to see how the siblings reunite and how the family will heal together. Even with Dabi trying to cremate Shouto, I don’t think it’ll turn out to be a Todorokis vs. Dabi affair with the younger 3 hating Touya. Why set up Shouto’s arc to be about family and forgiveness and the strife of becoming a hero in the shadow of his abusive father’s will only to then make his older brother an irredeemable villain deserving less forgiveness than the family’s abuser? “Child abuse is bad but not as bad as murder” would be an anti-climatic, super worrying, basic moral for the manga to teach… Like, those crimes are both bad. Let’s not rank evils to justify or prefer one over the other.
“But now the Todorokis will have to face Public Shame.”
You know who should be ashamed? Endeavor.
The Todorokis don’t deserve to feel shame. That sounds like society’s problem for siding with the abuser.
Was the abuse that hidden to begin with? Shouto literally tells anyone within earshot, from elementary school children to his rivals, that he hates his dad for hurting his mom. He even mentioned the beatings in front of Burnin, Endeavor’s employee, and doesn’t hesitate to slap his dad’s hand away in front of people. Outsiders like Present Mic comment that father and son aren’t on good terms, so it’s not like their rocky relationship isn’t visible. Meanwhile, Natsuo cried and yelled to Endeavor after being saved from Ending that he would never forgive Endeavor for his actions, and there were onlookers everywhere. Fuyumi explains to Izuku and Bakugo that Natsuo blames Endeavor for their eldest brother’s death and is even surprised Shouto hasn’t told them about all this before. Yes, Fuyumi apologized to Bakugo for talking about the family drama in front of them, but that seemed more out of “oh right, you’re the guest!” reaction than “oh no the family secret is out!”
In canon, none of the siblings has ever said, “Shhh this is a family topic! Let’s talk about this in private!” They’ve never been ashamed of what they went through, nor have they felt the need to keep their feelings or their pasts secret. The Todorokis have never been a private family so it wouldn’t make sense for them to suddenly care about public appearances or opinions. Sure, there is a certain social stigma/embarrassment of having your family secrets aired for the public to see and being forced to be vulnerable because someone put your pain and suffering out there, but I don’t think that would be the main concern for the Todoroki children. They’re an unapologetic emotional bunch. Shouto has said it’s okay to cry and we’ve seen him do so. He can be quiet and straight faced, but he doesn’t bother to hide his emotions when he has them. Natsuo has arguably been the most expressive. He has cried or been in emotional pain the majority of the time he’s been on screen: during the soba noodle slurping dinner, when he informed his mother that Endeavor was #1, when he walked out of the family dinner in front of Deku and Bakugo, and in the aftermath of his kidnapping. And Fuyumi - well, she puts on a big happy face, doesn’t she? She wants her family to be together and she isn’t afraid to say so. She also isn’t afraid to cry or tell people off loudly (“Now you’re off too, Dad?”) or stating her wants (“I just wanted my family to get along!”) When the Todoroki children feel emotion, they’re big and unrestrained. Even Endeavor didn't care too much about public opinion until he became #1 and had to fill in All Might's shoes. Even Can't-You-See-kun says that a nice Endeavor just isn't right.
Survivors of Domestic Abuse
The Todoroki children are victims, yes, but let’s not cast them in a harmful “all victims are meek, weak, soft spoken, and afraid” stereotype. They, like other people who have experienced abuse, are still their own people outside of, because of, and in spite of the abuse they endured. And that’s just the realism of the Todorokis. As much as society tells us that there are right and wrong ways to respond to abuse, that the only correct way for a victim is to grow into a strong person with a good job and radiate peace and love, “wrong” and “right” are subjective and immeasurable and this mindset diminishes the abuse even though it’s meant to be comforting. No, your abuse isn’t all that you are - and to some extent, your experiences do shape who you are, what you believe in, your views, your choices, and those experiences include abuse.
So, let’s apply that to the Todorokis. It’s stated in their character files that Fuyumi and Natsuo chose careers because of what they went through. Fuyumi became a teacher to young children because of the feeling that “she couldn’t do anything for Shouto” and Natsuo is interested in medical welfare to help people like his mother. If they hadn’t experienced that abuse, would they have chosen those careers? I’m not saying it was good they were abused or that something good came out of it. What I’m saying is that their experience (abuse) shaped their choices and had an impact on their lives, and in many ways, though they’re seemingly well adjusted young adults, those emotional scars are still there. They’re still grieving what happened to five year old Shouto, what happened to their mother, what happened to Touya. Their feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness are very much still present even though the situation at home has calmed down and they're not defenseless children anymore. They couldn't save Shouto or Rei back then, but somehow they want to "make up for it" now. But that's not going to take away the pain and trauma of what happened.
It's clear how Shouto deals with his trauma… He's making his own identity. He wants to be a hero that puts people at ease. He doesn't want to be like Endeavor, who was the opposite of that. Also, I feel like Shouto hasn't fully realized he was abused too. His main grievance with Endeavor is that Endeavor made Rei suffer. Shouto views it as intense forced training, and while only he can decide if that was abuse, it was inappropriate of his father to put his 5 year old child through that physically demanding training.
So, no, I don’t think the siblings will feel intense shame that their abuse came out and now the whole world knows they suffered. There’s no shame in being a victim of parental abuse. It wasn’t their fault. They were children. And when I say that, I don’t mean the opposite is true either - that they should be proud of being abused. I’m saying that the person who should be ashamed of himself for abusing his children is Endeavor, the abuser. I know that there are some cultural aspects that play into this, but it would be racist to reduce this complicated situation into a “keeping abuse private is just Japanese mentality.” It’s like saying, “Latin women are submissive because Machismo is a thing so it’s okay that those women are viewed as inferior. It’s just who they are as a culture.” No, there are Latinx who are aware of the issues in their culture. All nations, cultures, and groups of people have the capacity to view their own flaws and strive for change.
Could I be incredibly wrong about all this? Yeah. Would all of this speculation have been for nothing if Hori decides to have the Todoroki siblings hate Dabi//Touya and want him dead or in jail 5ever? No, because I said my piece (and projected a little on Fuyumi), but it’d be incredibly awful writing and a dissatisfying, one-dimensional conclusion for the siblings to reach when domestic abuse is such a complicated, multi-faceted issue that comes with 1000 emotions, and especially since Hori has written the siblings and their dynamics with so many realistic layers and nuances. Is the siblings reaction going to be easy and straightforward like I may have made it seem? Nope. But they definitely wouldn’t stand by while Dabi is on a suicide mission.
If you’ve read this far, thanks so much!! I wish you healing, especially if you could relate to any of these characters or situation on a personal level <3
#shouto todoroki#touya todoroki#natsuo todoroki#fuyumi todoroki#dabi is a todoroki#dabi#todoroki family#bnha#bnha meta#when will i shut up about this family...never#tw abuse#tw endeavor#my meta#in which i project onto fuyumi#The Todorokis have never been a private family so it wouldn’t make sense for them to suddenly care about public appearances or opinions#long post#bnha 297#bnha spoilers#did i look up research articles and cite them? i sure did
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honestly THANK YOU for saying all that abt baghra bc i thought i was going crazy from not liking her??? bc i haven't read the books and only summaries of them on wiki and like. i dunno why ppl like her actually even in the show bc this guy, her son, is like "i wanna make the world better for us grisha" and she's just like "no." even tho he sees that she's MAKING HERSELF SICK from suppressing her powers! she's literally like in bed coughing in the flashback yet seem much healthier at the little palace. also like after everything, after her disapproval, after the fold, after centuries of waiting for the sun summoner.. he never abandons her. he makes sure she's cares for. he doesn't harm her. and i have to wonder if baghra has ever thanks him for that, for just not leaving her alone. like i dunno how im suppose ro believe aleks is a heartless villain when he still cares for his abusive mom like this. like has baghra even told her she loved him (honestly she reminds me of a classic emotionally unavailable asian parent but maybe that's just me). also im wondering if baghra ever told aleks that he had an aunt.. bc like.. now that u bring up her isolating him it's like hmmmm...
not at me being like alina... why do u trust the bitter old woman who literally beats u with a stick and verbally abuses u every chance she gets.. just bc she showed a bad painting... like.. pls use two braincells to see that who u figured out as his mother... is also using his protection..
like baghra could've upped and left with alina. but no. she stayed bc she knew she was safe under aleks's protection.
alsoim just impressed that after his first friend tried to drown him and harvest his bones... he didn't go into hiding???? he still wanted to make a safe heaven for grisha!!! HE STILL WANTED TO PROTECT GRISHA EVEN AFTER HIS GRISHA FRIEND TRIED TO KILL HIM FOR HIS FUCKEN BONES. like... this is the guy im suppose to believe is the villain???
honestly i feel like part of the reason why LB's plotlines seem so bad and disconnected (and sometimes outright racist but that's another rant) and why darkles is disproportionately more violent and villainous in the later books is bc she didn't expect the darkling to be so popular and wanted to stick with her guns of making him the villain. but also wanted the money from aleks's popularity. but like you can't have ur cake and eat it too.
Well thank you for sending this ask! It's very sweet and very passionate. I'm glad you liked my post! I didn't put as much thought into it as some of my others lol. I kind of just talked. But it was nice to be able to finally talk about some of the problems I have with both her character and the fandom/author's perception of her.
HERE is the post this is referring to, in case anyone's wondering.
👀👀 You've hit the nail on the head for so many things, here!
Baghra is extremely emotionally unavailable, basically to the point of neglect. She's also verbally and physically abusive, traits which I doubt were only reserved for her students and not her son. Baghra claims she would do anything to protect him, but I've known a lot of parents who have that mindset and yet still harm their children because they think it's "good for them".
Aleksander stays at Baghra's side for years, and even when they're opposing each other she's never too far away from him. Idk if you've read the books but he does eventually hurt her. And as much as I don't like Baghra, I think his actions were horrid. But I'm also honestly kind of surprised it took him so long lmao.
Yeah I mean, in terms of isolation, let's not forget that she never wanted to introduce him to his father, either. Baghra's sense of eternity clouds a lot of her judgments on relationships, which means she views most people as dust and therefore teaches her son to as well. The problem with that is that he's a growing child, and he needs those social and emotional attachments for healthy development.
I would bet quite a bit of money that Baghra has either never told him she loves him or she has told him so few times it's practically forgettable.
And everything becomes more complicated because so many of Baghra's actions are understandable because of her life and her history, but the impacts they have on the people around her, especially Aleksander, are permanently damaging. And the fact that that's never gone over in critical depth in the books or how it's glossed over in fandom is just very disconcerting. Like, acknowledging Baghra's failings doesn't mean we're excusing Aleksander's actions, it just means we're holding Baghra liable for her own. Which the fandom should be doing, considering she's the epitome of an abusive parental figure.
And Alina trusting Baghra over Aleksander is even more confusing! Especially in the show!! This is the woman who beat her and abused her and tortured her friends when they tiny little children (and who probably still does so now that they're adults). This is the woman who mocks you and harasses you and insults you on a regular basis. Why does Baghra revealing she's Aleksander's mother make Alina change her mind?! Like fuck, I'd just feel bad for Aleksander. No wonder he kept it a secret, I would too! And that painting is enough evidence?! Really?! A random painting shown to you by this abusive mentor that's been making your life hell. That's what you're going to betray your new lover over?
The friends trying to harvest his bones thing is a good point, too. I think Aleksander, especially show Aleksander, is incredibly idealistic. I think he cares too much for others - those he's deemed worth his care (a sentiment given to him by Baghra). Despite everything she's tried to teach him about hiding and abandoning others and never caring and never doing anything to help or reach out or connect with people, Aleksander still continues to do so. It's likely because he never got it from Baghra growing up, and so is desperate for those emotional needs to be fulfilled elsewhere.
His turning point, when Baghra tells him it was understandable that those kids tried to kill him because the world is such a hard place for them - that's crucial. And the reason it's possible as a motivating factor is because of that idealism and that desire to help and that desire to be everything his mother isn't. Baghra tells him this trauma he just experienced was because of the oppression of his people, and instead of following her lead and accepting that, going into hiding and abandoning everybody to their misery, he goes I can do something about that. I can make it so this never happens again. Which is usually how trauma like that combines with one's core personality traits at a young age, especially when there's none of the essential support systems in place to aid in recovery (ie, the role Baghra should have been filling but wasn't, because she decided to exacerbate the problem instead).
And yeah, one of my biggest problems with the ham-fisted "beating you over the head with a sledgehammer of evil deeds" look-how-bad-this-character-is! portrayal of the Darkling in the later books comes from the impression I get that Bardugo doesn't trust her readers. She's so desperate to have us hate this character and think him an irredeemable villain, not trusting any of her readers to engage critically with a morally gray character, that it feels quite a bit like condescending fucking bullshit. Which ew, I know how to engage with literature, thanks.
She really does seem to look down on a large part of her fandom, and imo, the infantilization of the female characters in her books seems to carry over to her impression of most of her female readers as well. Which is why the Darkling's character arc gets fucking destroyed. But he's still a good cash grab, of course, so she'll shake his dead corpse in front of the fandom for money every time she wants something from it.
Also! Another reason I think her plotlines feel disconnected (I'm sorry Bardugo I respect you as a person, but shit-) is because the writing in SaB is just bad. I mean, nevermind the absolutely nauseating implications of the way she portrays the Grisha as a persecuted group who's situation is never actually fully addressed as it should be, considering Grisha rights is what her main villain is fighting for (imo for a series called the Grishaverse, LB seems to be pretty anti Grisha), but her characters and story alone are just wrong for each other. They don't fit together.
And the ending is one of the main pieces of evidence in that regard! You can’t say the ending where Alina isn’t Grisha anymore is her “going back to where she started” when she’s always been Grisha. She just didn’t know she was Grisha because she denied that part of herself that she was born with.
Alina is reluctant to move forward or change, she struggles with adapting, and she’s very set on the things she’s grown attached to throughout her life. She also has some latent prejudices against the Grisha, and so denies the possibility of being Grisha for those reasons as well.
Alina’s lack of powers in the beginning of her life because she willfully doesn’t learn about them to avoid change versus her lack of powers at the end of the book when she’s accepted them and then they’re stripped away from her by outer forces are two entirely separate circumstances. You can’t make a parallel about lost powers and lack of Grisha status bringing her back to the start when she was always Grisha and she always had powers and she simply refused to come to terms with it because of personal reasons.
The first situation is an internal conflict that indicates a story about growth and a journey of self acceptance. Denying herself the opportunity to learn about her heritage and to find acceptance with a group of people like her because she’s tied to the past and because of the way she was raised is the setup for a narrative that tackles unlearning prejudice and learning how to connect with a part of her identity that was denied her and learning how to grow independent and self assured. It’s the setup for a different story entirely. The second situation is an external conflict that centers around the ‘corrupting influence of power’... for some reason.
In a world where Grisha do not have social, political, or economic power and they are hunted, centering your heroine’s journey of self acceptance and growth around an external conflict about... the corrupting influence of power (in a group of people that don’t actually have any power?!) just doesn’t work. It is literally impossible to connect the two stories Bardugo is trying to push in Shadow and Bone without seriously damaging the main character’s developmental arc.
The only way a narrative like this would work, claiming that she has gone back to where she started, is either a) if the Grisha weren’t actually a persecuted group and instead were apart of the upper class, or b) if the one bad connection between the two instances is acknowledged - that Alina denied a part of herself crucial to self acceptance and growing up, and that losing her powers at the end has also denied her. It is a tragedy, not a happy ending.
Alina suffered because she didn’t use her powers. She grew sick. It was bad for her. This was not a resistance to 'the corruption of power and the burden of greed', it was her suffering because she couldn’t fully accept herself.
Framing the ending as a return to the beginning can’t be done if you don’t address how bad the beginning was for your main character. You brought her back to a bad point in her life. You regressed her. This should be a low point in her arc. It should be a problem that’s solved so she can finish developing organically or it should be something that is acknowledged as a tragedy in it’s own right, for the future the world (the writing) denied her.
This is a ramble and it makes no sense and I’m really sorry, but my point is that Bardugo put the wrong characters in the wrong story. The character arc required for organic development doesn’t match the story and intended message at all. The narrative doesn’t fit the cast. She's got two clashing stories attempting to work in tandem and she ends up with both conflicting messages that fans still can’t comprehend in her writing and an ending that doesn’t suit her main character to such an impossible degree that it’s almost laughable.
So yeah, there's a few reasons why I think the story and the plot feels so bad and disconnected. I hope you don't mind me making this answer so long! 😅 I was not expecting to write this much.
#shadow and bone#sab#grishaverse#alina starkov#aleksander morozova#mymetas#the darkling#baghra critical#anti leigh bardugo#sorry!#sab salt#sab meta#fandomcourse#negative#negativity#myramblings#asks and answers#joonmono#anti baghra#leigh bardugo critical#abuse tw#torture tw
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Do you think Dabi could get redeemed? Like if endeavor can be redeemed so can Touya? Right?!
Yeah, and it would just be bad writing if he wasn’t or was left to rot/killed. The concept of an abusive father getting a second chance while his victim dies unhappy is incredibly gross. And as much as I criticize Horikoshi’s writing, I don’t think he’s nearly that dumb (I think he’s going to redeem both, which, ugh, but it’s not going to be only Endeavor). Of course I could be wrong, but there is more evidence for a redemption than not.
If Touya was irredeemable, we wouldn’t have gotten two chapters (as questionable as the framing was) explaining just why he turned out the way he is and Shouto empathizing with him (I’m going to get to Shouto at the end). We wouldn’t be shown him crying multiple times as both an adult and child (and crying is something Hori uses to evoke sympathy for his characters both in and out of universe, e.g: Eri, Toga, Shigaraki).
As the bottom panel shows, Shigaraki is being set up for redemption right now, and Toga is presumably as well (though since she’s a girl we have yet to see, if ever, what’s going on with her and Uraraka). It would be in poor taste to redeem them and not Dabi for some indiscernible reason when all three are established as the main villain trio and each one has their respective hero counterpart.
Also people cite him not caring about the LOV as the reason why Shigaraki and Toga are redeemable and Dabi isn’t but like, all I can say to that is don’t take his words at face value, because if you look at his actions it’s evident he does, although he may not realize himself. Take his attempt to save Twice for instance.
It’s notable that Dabi tries to comfort Twice while saving him. People can argue he wanted Twice to die all they want but his reaction immediately afterwards makes it evident he didn’t want it to happen. Dabi is not a character who shows emotion often. The fact that right after Twice’s death he proceeds to show sadness (and even brings up the fact that he can’t cry when no one mentioned it, implying that he really wants to cry) suggests that he’s really and truly feeling it. And as we know now, Touya is a very emotional person.
While he states that he only cared about Twice because he was useful to his plans he instantly contradicts himself moments later by saying he never cared about the League and he’s going to do everything on his own, showing he’s not the most reliable narrator right now. And if he only cared about Twice as an asset, once again he had nothing to gain from verbally defending Twice multiple times and by comforting him with physical touch when we know Dabi tries to avoid touching people as much as possible.
Hawks also mentions that Dabi’s fire is getting hotter after he kills Twice. This is, of course, due to the fact that his fire gets hotter the stronger his emotions are. You can argue that maybe he was feeling happiness but Horikoshi has made a point to show Touya crying and feeling sad every time he uses his quirk, suggesting his dominant emotion is sadness.
Nothing here really implies he’s too far gone. We’re supposed to see that he tried his hardest to save Twice, failed, and proceeded to go batshit for an entire year.
Another thing is that people say “Dabi is the exception meant to represent the people who can’t be saved” but that is really unlikely. That was Muscular’s role in the story, so I doubt he’s supposed to be some sort of wakeup call that some people just can’t be saved. Same thing with Gran Torino’s statement that killing can also save someone. I’m fairly certain that Horikoshi is going for “the new generation fixing the old generation’s mistakes” so chances are GT’s statement will be refuted in the end.
Plus, BNHA is optimistic. I don’t know why people get the impression it’s going to end on a tragic note. Dabi being killed off after a lifetime of suffering is very tragic and needlessly as well. That was what happened to Twice and I don’t see why it would repeat when the story itself makes it clear it was a bad decision (and BNHA is about not repeating past mistakes).
And as I mentioned in the beginning, but all three villains have a hero counterpart. That’s because all three are capable of sympathizing with them and are meant to save them. It would be a strange story where the students try to save them and decide they’re not worth the effort, when historically Deku and Shouto have been shown to either call out the adults for the way they handle things or act on their judgment for saving someone (Uraraka unfortunately has not had any focus on her but most likely she’ll join them). Shouto in particular should be more invested because of the personal connection, and in fact he already recognizes Dabi as his foil. This is a good thing, because it means Dabi, as a person, is someone who people are capable of empathizing with.
Tl;dr: Dabi has been well established to be a sympathetic character despite what people argue, and he is redeemable.
#idk if this really answered your question lol i feel like i went on a tangent but yeah#i also hope the formatting is okay i did it on mobile and tumblrs post editor is the worst thing ive ever seen#anonymous#bnha#dabi#long post#meta#i guess#🍓.ask
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True Beauty’s Gaping Mother Wound
*disclaimer*: I understand that all the listed traits are things which are often very common in Asian households, and it may seem that rather than being concerning, these are just a part of Asian culture. That is why, I feel that it’s necessary for me to make it clear that I am, in fact, Asian (Indian to be specific), and parental abuse is something that is extremely normalized here. As someone who has experienced it firsthand, I want to say that just because something is common/normal, doesn’t necessarily mean that it is correct. If you or anyone you know is in a situation like that, it’s very very important to speak out. And it’s not your fault, i know it’s easier to believe that way but it’s really not. We deserve to be in a loving environment, regardless of what culture we are born in.
Throughout the drama, Jukyung’s mother shows many traits of an abusive mother. I have been able to outline 4 of them. I don’t mean to write her off as an evil character,, because overall she is well intentioned, and just like any other mom, she does love Jukyung. This is shown in episode 8 too, where she shows remorse for her actions. That however, doesn’t justify her abusive behavioral patterns in any way. Because we can see how badly it affects Jukyung, her self esteem and her overall view of herself.
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Act 1: “I’m going to kill you today and go to jail” -- Physical Violence.
Throughout the series, we see Jukyung's mother being very violent. But one scene which particularly stood out to me was the scene where she finds out about Jukyung's dad getting scammed. (in episode 1). While it is true that her dad caused a huge financial loss to the family, and anyone would feel angry in a situation like that, it is also true that there is never a good reason to physically abuse someone.
After hearing the news, Jukyung's mom is overcome by anger. It's completely okay to feel frustrated, but the way she violently jumped at her husband, clearly intentioned to hurt him, and the way she needed to be held back by juyoung and heekyung highlights her abusive nature. And this isn't a one time thing where she momentarily lost control of herself. She constantly shows similar behavioural traits throughout the drama.
In the scene where we see Jukyung's mom and dad together properly for the first time, their relationship dynamic is established. He's meekly massaging her shoulders while she orders him around. Their is an obvious power imbalance in the relationship, and the way Jukyung's dad cowers in fear around Jukyung's mom is a proof of that.
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Act 2: "Why would you kill my precious son?" -- Conditional Love.
We see examples of Jukyung’s Mom’s conditional love in the kdrama AND in the webtoon. Conditional love is when a parent or a parental figure makes their child compete for love. They withhold their affection until the kid acts in ways that are desirable to them, and if the kid fails to do so, the parent often punishers them through different methods. This is their way of maintaining control over their children.
Jukyung’s Mom’s conditional love manifests itself in the form of favoritism towards her eldest daughter Heekyung, who’s not only conventionally beautiful but also very smart and has a high paying job, and towards her youngest child and only son, Juyoung, who is also written to be very attractive. Both Juyoung and Heekyung have gifts that Jukyung does not posses -- beauty and brains. The conditions that are established in order to attain their mother’s affection are getting good grades at school, and being conventionally attractive, which is why Jukyung often gets the shorter end of the stick
In the scene where we are first meet Heekyung is the drama, their mom’s affection towards her is very evident.
This is shown in the webtoon too.
She displays this favoritism towards Juyoung too, and even more so. In episode 1 where Jukyung tries makeup for the first time, and gets ridiculed by him for doing a bad job at it, she naturally feels angry and yells at him, “do you want to die?!”, but instead of telling Juyoung to stop, their mother yells at Jukyung for yelling at Juyoung (”why would you kill my precious son? why?”). It’s already very evident that Juyoung has picked up the habit of constantly taunting Jukyung for her face from his mom. In the webtoon, when Jukyung decides that she wants to pursue makeup arts and asks for her mom’s support and fees for academy, her mom flat-out refuses, saying that they don’t have enough money. However as we find out later, money wasn’t the problem, because she had enough money to send Juyoung to a cram school for acting.
I find it hard to believe that any good parent would constantly compare their children and pit them against each other like this. In the webtoon and the kdrama, it is made clear that Juyoung doesn’t have particularly good grades either, but he doesn’t have to face his mother’s wrath by the virtue of being good looking. Jukyung on the other hand, does not have any redeeming qualities.
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Act 3: “I’m going to throw all your makeup away” --Excessive Anger.
Another sign of parental abuse is display of excessive anger. It’s usually used as an intimidation tactic to keep the child in line. Sometimes, it can simply happen because they lose control of themselves. Either way, parents who get angry more often than what is supposed to be normal, and hurt their children (physically or verbally) in the midst of their anger, repeatedly, are abusive. I feel like I don’t even need to elaborate on this one. Jukyung’s Mom is angry during half of her scenes. And the way she acts upon that anger crosses the limit too. Don’t get me wrong, it’s important to express your the way you feel, but the way Jukyung’s Mom does it, is extremely unhealthy and hurtful to others around her. Whether she’s jumping on Jukyung’s dad or talking down on Im Jukyung, she’s very inconsiderate of how her anger affects others. She almost always expresses herself in an extremely volatile way.
Jukyung described makeup as a hopeful light opening up a new life for her. There’s even a whole music segment of her discovering the powers of makeup, characterized by pastel and bubblegum tones, and the segment has a magical feel to it. Suffice to say that makeup brought an almost magical kind of hope and optimism to her life. In episode 6, Jukyung's Mom goes to her school to get her report card. When she sees her low grades, she gets so angry that she threatens to throw away her makeup, without once considering why Jukyung is so attached to it. In my eyes, she's actually very similar to Soojin's dad who also uses intimidation and physical violence to keep his daughter in line. If we put the same background music for the scenes where we see Jukyung's Mom threatening her, as the ones where Soojin's dad abuses her, they'd practically be identical. The only difference is that the show often plays Jukyung's Mom's behavior as a joke.
In episode 7, after seeing that Jukyung didn't improve as much as she wanted her to, she actually threw away all her makeup. Even though Jukyung did try, and did improve, it still wasn't enough for her mom. Jukyung's restlessness after not seeing her makeup on her table was palpable through the screen. Finding out that her mother threw all her makeup away sort became her breaking point. We see her yell at her mother and express her feelings for the first time.
I think it's important to note that Jukyung, who's already finds it very tough to reach out to her courageous side, was inspired by this incident to stand up to her mom, to express her outrage. Saying that makeup meant a lot to her is an understatement.
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Act 4: "What's the point of looking beautiful with all that makeup on if you're ugly underneath?" -- Verbal Abuse.
We all get into arguments with our parents from time to time, and I’m sure we’ve all been yelled at by them at some point. Verbal abuse however, is not something that is normal, and the two shouldn’t be confused. A parent who constantly humiliates their child, yells and screams at them, talks down on them is in simple terms, an abuser.
In episode 1, when Jukyung tries makeup on for the first time and goes to school, she gets ridiculed by her bullies and her classmates. Crestfallen, she returns back home after school and goes to her mother for reassurance. Instead of providing that, her mother ridicules her even more and calls her makeup “Ghost Makeup”. This is something abusers often do. Under the guise of teasing the victim, they often attack the victim’s self esteem, appearance etc, to make them feel insecure and to maintain their position of power over them. Jukyung’s mother isn’t very different from those bullies who told Jukyung that she was ugly and made her feel like she could never amount to anything.
Another example that irks me a lot is from episode 3, when Jukyung’s Mom is chewing her out for being late, and suddenly the conversation turns to cosmetics and makeup. This is also one of the traits of verbal abuse. Instead of arguments surrounding the basic issue, they branch out and turn into character assassination. Her mom accuses Jukyung of wasting all her time on makeup instead of studying, even when Jukyung clarifies that she got late because she missed her bus, not because she was out buying cosmetics. But her mom doesn't listen and says to her, “What’s the point of looking beautiful with all that makeup on when you’re still ugly underneath?”
Jukyung’s face after hearing her own mother say that was heartbreaking. Unfortunately, this type of mother-daughter relationship dynamic isn’t something that is rare. Mothers frequently project their own insecurities on their daughters and put them down. Jukyung’s Mother’s behavior explains her self esteem issues, it gives an insight about where her insecurities really stem from. Sometimes our abuser’s thoughts and image of us start maligning our own self image. Frequently hearing them tell us that we are worthless, and that no one will ever marry us or love us, makes us believe that we are in fact, worthless and incapable of being loved unless we change something about ourselves. We frequently get an insight into how Jukyung thinks of herself throughout the drama.
“It’s not my fault that I was born dumb” (In episode 7, after finding out that her mother threw away her makeup.)
“You know that I’m messed up” (In episode 2, referring to her face, while asking Lee Suho to keep her bare face a secret)
The drama is yet to end so I don’t want to completely write Jukyung’s Mother off as an abuser. I hope she becomes a better mom in the show, I really do. Because Jukyung deserves a loving mother. And Jukyung's mom does in fact have a few redeeming qualities, however, simply love and caring isn’t enough, you need mutual respect, reassurance and effort in each every relationship. We know that Jukyung’s mother is also often labelled as an ugly woman, and she believes that she could only get by through studying well. (“It’s going to be okay as long as you study well” - episode 1). In a world where a woman either has to a exceptionally beautiful to be considered worthy, or be exceptionally intelligent and professional lest she isn’t blessed by beauty, it’s very easy to internalize self hatred and direct it on to other individuals (especially if those individuals are your children). That is why i genuinely find myself rooting for Jukyung’s mother and hoping for a character development arc -- because i understand where she comes from, and because i can empathize with her.
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Fin.
#kdrama#true beauty#true beauty kdrama#true beauty webtoon#webtoon#true beauty meta#kdrama meta#webtoon meta#im jukyung#lim jugyeong#im jugyeong#lim jukyung#han seojun#lee suho#kang sujin#kang soojin#team suho#team seojun#hwang in yeop#manhwa#mun gayoung#cha eunwoo#park yoona#korean dramas#asian drama#tvn#tvn drama#my id is gangnam beauty#hotel del luna#meta
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