#a year ago i was obsessed and i miss that feeling
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hey fam, welcome to the April 2024 roundup of the best hannigram fics i've read this past month! i read over 100 fics total, and these were the cream of the crop.
as a reminder: the ingredients for a five star rating typically (but not always!!) include some combination of a.) believable characterizations of both Hannibal and Will, b.) compelling plot and/or character arcs, and c.) high quality smut.
that being said, my judgment of the aforementioned ingredients is powered almost exclusively by vibes and as such, is incredibly subjective.
you can find past recs below:
February
March
and if you have any recs of your own for me, PLEASE SHARE.
anyway, in no particular order, let's go!
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A place you can never go by det395
Word Count: 84,596
Summary: When things don’t go according to plan, Hannibal makes a wish. He finds himself a year-and-a-half in the past and seemingly given another chance with Will. His feelings about the situation only get more complicated when he realizes he may not have completely lost access to his old timeline after all. A Digestivo canon divergence.
If you follow me, you probably saw me already raving about this fic. This was so fucking good, holy fucking shit. And also heartbreaking. Made me think a lot about the nature of reality and what does it mean for something to be "real." Plus, I really love fics that explore their shared mind palace because I genuinely think that is one of the more underexplored aspects of their relationship. Definitely heavy on the angst, but there is a happy ending!
even though our love is doomed by bleakmidwinter
Word Count: 82,427
Summary: Hannibal solves the mystery of time travel and he and Will decide to go into the past and take opportunities previously missed along with rewriting the regrets they each hold. Changing the past does not effect the future and they have free reign to play as the please.
GIVE ME MORE THAN FIVE STARS PLEASE. I am obsessed with this fic. I've mostly stayed clear of time travel fics (aside from, you know, the one right above this) because the execution can be hit or miss, but let me fucking tell you. This was a god damn home run. There's a little bit of angst, but then there's also a chapter where Will challenges Hannibal that he wouldn't have been able to seduce him while Will was still working in Louisiana fixing boat motors. And obviously Hannibal decides to take that challenge.
Railroad Romance by OneWhoSitsWithTurtles
Word Count: 12,400
Summary: Hannibal is still Hannibal, and Will is still Will. Except Will is not part of the FBI and they meet on a two day train trip from New Orleans to Baltimore.
Dirty. Talk. In. FRENCH. Holy shit. Okay this was excellent. EXCELLENT. Perfect characterizations, and wonderful dialogue. Wow. Also, I love trains. Who doesn't love trains?
patroclus in furs by bleakmidwinter
Word Count: 130,185
Summary: If Will and Hannibal hadn't gone into their respective careers, they would have become porn stars.
I had my doubts about a pornstar AU, but I've really enjoyed everything else by this author and it was over 100k, so I gave it a shot! And WOW. The characterizations of both Will and Hannibal were spot on and believable. A good mix of fluff and angst, and the author clearly put a lot of thought into the porn scenes. Tbh I'm probably going to reread this shortly.
Pavlova by nbcravenstag
Word Count: 33,369
Summary: It’s not like Hannibal didn’t know that Will was hiding something. It was after the third body drop a week ago that it became clear that Will had a secret that somehow involved the case, one he wasn’t willing to share yet, not even with Hannibal. At 6:43 AM, Will had texted Hannibal that a fourth body had been found and that he was on his way to the scene with Jack. At 8:06 PM, Will had stepped into Hannibal’s office, thirty-six minutes past his appointment time, and practically shouted “I used to be a stripper!” as loudly as his hoarse voice would allow him to. Hannibal Lecter, though not phased by much in life, has never been entirely able to predict Will Graham, but this is just… getting out of control. Alternatively, the FBI is hunting a serial killer targeting male strippers, and Will decides to throw himself into the fray. Hannibal is beyond pleased.
An AU where Will was a stripper in college and now he's working a case where he can be live bait as a stripper? Shut the fuck up. Mostly told from Hannibal's perspective, and it's just *chefs kiss*. Who knew Will giving Hannibal a lap dance would be so HOT. (I could have guessed.)
Lessons In Submission by wyldefire
Word Count: 5,173
Summary: Hannibal was stubborn, independent, and Will had always loved that about him, but there were times, times like these, in the midst of heat, in the midst of such a thorough breeding, when lessons in submission were necessary.
My only thought at the end of this was, "Shut the whole fuck up" in the best way possible. Smut. Just all smut.
A Very Special Guest by LesBeanBurrito
Word Count: 56,660
Summary: Season 1 AU in which Will stays for Hannibal’s dinner party after bringing the bottle of wine at the end of 1X07 Sorbet. Embarrassed and Sassy Will Graham meets Smitten Hannibal Lecter.
I LOVE a good season 1 AU and this was checking all of the boxes for me! There's a secret relationship, Hannibal actually gets Will treated for his encephalitis, Will finds out about Hannibal, etc. Very much loved the plot, and the characterizations were spot on.
lover to your nightmare (look what you made of me) by merrythoughts and ReallyMissCoffee
Word Count: 123,367
Summary: Driving back home, it’s then he reflects on Hannibal asking him to run away that night. To forgo their plans altogether, to slip away. [Canon divergent. Will confesses his betrayal and asks Hannibal to run away with him, but Will has a plan of his own...]
You want dark!Will mixed in with some incredibly jealous and possessive Hannigram? Hooo boy do I have a fic for you! The ending was a little abrupt, but it was the perfect mix of gut-wrenching angst and toxicity + smoking hot smut. I genuinely had to stop and focus on my breathing more than once.
On the Lam by shotgun_sinner
Word Count: 63,992
Summary: Post-Fall (Hannibal)season 4Crack Treated SeriouslyOn the RunWill Graham Discovers FanfictionExplicit Sexual Contentsexual identity crisisThat's Not Really A CrisisWill Graham is HannisexualMurder HusbandsHomophobiaMurder of a HomophobeHannibal Lecter Loves Will GrahamWill Graham Loves Hannibal LecterPower Bottom Will Grahamthey love each other your honorvery meta
This was such a fun read – I love the implication that hannigram fanfiction exists and it's all there for Will to accidentally discover. I adore this author and just thoroughly enjoyed how Will learned a thing or two about himself by reading smutty fics (same dude).
Golden Promises by shotgun_sinner
Word Count: 68,488
Summary: Hannibal (TV) Season/Series 01Alternate Universe - Canon DivergenceEpisode: s01e07 SorbetHallucinations?Will Hopes SoLELOplugSexuality CrisisThat Ends Up Not Being A CrisisWill Graham Has EncephalitisHannibal Gets Will TreatmentDeveloping RelationshipWill Graham's Dogs - FreeformBonding over fooddoting hannibalEventual SmutHannibal Lecter Loves Will GrahamWill Graham Loves Hannibal LecterAlana DisapprovesRimmingOral SexBottom Hannibal LecterTop Will GrahamBottom Will GrahamTop Hannibal LecterWill Graham KnowsNon-Consensual Drug UseWill Gives Him Shit For ItMurder HusbandsCannibalismis that tag even necessary?Hannibal Lecter Loves Max
This was fluffier than I typically read, but I told y'all I love this author. Pretty much no angst, and the smut, as always, was next level. Also, the idea that Hannibal would wear a solid gold butt plug to his dinner parties had me laughing before I even started reading.
What Hatches by HotMolasses (@snazzymolasses here on tumblr)
Word Count: 107,847
Summary: There is a village, nestled on the edge of an ancient forest where it is always winter. Few of the townsfolk ever venture into it, except for one lonely hunter named Will Graham. A loner who makes his living selling stag meat and spends more time with dogs than people, he finds his life changing when he comes face-to-face with a magical beast, one that he cannot get away from, and isn’t even sure he really wants to.
What started out as a curiosity about the monsterfucking tag on AO3 brought me to one of the most unique and interesting hannigram AUs I've read??? I'm as surprised as you are, if not more. I adored this fic and I loved how both Will and Hannibal were characterized and the plot and the smut (oh my god, the smut) and the ending? Phew. Go read this.
lay like a flood spills away by bleakmidwinter
Word Count: 35,733
Summary: Will starts going to a nude beach that happens to be for gay men, even though he considers himself straight.
This was highly enjoyable. I LOVE AUs that manage to keep the characters true to canon. Also nude beaches. Hannigram and nude beaches. Eating ass and public sex with some actual plot sprinkled in. Say LESS.
Now, What Should We Do Next? by HigherMagic
Word Count: 51,116
Summary: Kinktober 2018
Smut. All smut. I showed this fic to a friend who has literally never read fanfiction, let alone Hannigram, before and she is now hooked. So. Do with that what you will. And it's so clear that this author has actual, real-life experience with kink and it comes across so well! Bonus point: there is also an equally good sequel.
To Mend With Gold by beforethedawn, ConstructFairytales, Destinyawakened
Word Count: 98,863
Summary: Will and Hannibal have been living as a gay married couple for three years, but they haven't slept in the same room let alone the same bed. Will Graham has a reckoning, one way or another.
THIS WAS TENDER. Fluffy, angsty, smutty, I loved it. Molly showed up with Will's dogs and decided she wasn't going to turn them in, which was a little weird, but I really loved this fic. Just them learning how to be with each other. Also EXCELLENT marathon smut scenes. Like yesssss, of course they can each cum like three times in a row.
A Clutch at Balance by Deverauxs_Disease
Word Count: 25,466
Summary: When Will Graham storms into Hannibal's house muttering about kissing Alana Bloom, the good doctor makes Will an offer: Pretend to date Hannibal in order to prove to Alana that Will is not only stable but capable of being in a relationship. When Alana is convinced Will is the man of her dreams, Hannibal will step aside and Will can get his girl.
Y'all know I love fake dating that all of a sudden, whoops! Isn't so fake anymore! Sprinkle in some jealous and possessive Hanni and Will? I'm sold. Say less.
~
And that's a wrap on this month! See ya next time!!!
#gracie reads hannigram#hannibal#hannigram#will graham#hannibal lecter#murder husbands#nbc hannibal#hannibal tv show#mads mikkelsen#hugh dancy#hannibal nbc#hannigram fics#hannigram fic recs#hannigram fic rec
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ENHYPEN Series
sinag — psh.
chapter six
pairings: park sunghoon x reader
synopsis: waiting for a great plot twist in your life, the ruthless and powerful mafia boss park sunghoon forced his way in to it.
word count: 3k
warnings: a contains harrassment, violence, guns, killings, abuse, obsessive love & other stuff. if you can't take this stuff, feel free to scroll away. let me know if i missed some.
note: hello, i hope you will enjoy this chapter and give me feedbacks. ily and thank you for reading my works. stay safe.
eeunoia 2024 © all rights reserved.
“Wow! That’s a really good offer, Ae!” the joy over Lucie’s voice made you giggle. You just arrived at your shared apartment to deliver her your good news. As expected, she’s very much happy for you.
She poured you a glass of water then slid it to your side and you thanked her shortly. Both of you settled at the small dining area to talk about what just happened a while ago. Even when you’re already on your way back to your apartment, you felt like you were dreaming. You left the house with a small hope of getting the job and now you’re already hired.
“Ohh,” her lips formed ‘o’ amused at what you just said.
“The new president must be very generous then? I worked there for a year and a half! I’ve never had that kind of offer.” she continued blabbering excitedly.
You nod your head and the face of the handsome man that interviewed you flashes through your mind.
“He’s very handsome too.” you added that made Lucie smile teasingly. She giggled and you end up chuckling as well.
“Someone have a crush!” she taunts you and you are quick to defend yourself.
“No, I don’t! That’s my number one rule. Not to catch feelings with my boss or officemate.”
She pursed her lips, “Then he can be my crush! What do you think, Ae? Should I quit my job and apply there again?” her eyes looked dreamy when she stared at nowhere, daydreaming.
“You’re crazy, Lucie. You already have a nice job.” and you stood up to start cleaning around the table so you can start cooking for dinner.
She stayed seated while watching you with so much joy in her eyes. You can tell that she’s very happy for you and its unexplainable to have this kind of friendship. It’s been a while since you felt like this.
“But my boss is not a hottie.” she added that made you chuckle while shaking your head lightly.
She then started talking about something else while you start cooking your dinner. She rants about one of her colleagues and you listen to her attentively. After cooking, you two enjoys the food together. You can’t remember how and when you two started clicking this good, but you are really happy.
“Your phone’s vibrating, Ae.” your eyes darted at the left corner of the kitchen where you left your phone.
“Ohh,” you mumbled as you look over the email sent from the boss' secretary. She informs you about the things you needed to know since you will start on monday already.
“What is it?” Lucie asks curiously while putting away the cleaned dishes. Her eyes stays on you, checking your expression.
“They emailed me about my work for monday. And also,” your eyes trailed at the bottom part of the email where some details not involving your work descriptions were typed.
“Also?” Lucie sounds excited.
“The requirements I need so they can arrange the new apartment the company will provide for me.” your tone sounded small. Lucie’s eyes grew and she was cheering about the good news.
“That’s so nice! Where is it located? Will it be close to your workplace?” she struts closer to you, because she’s done already with the dishes.
A pout made it to your lips. “I don’t want to leave you here.” your tone sounded so defeated.
Lucie was the one that accepted you during your lowest times. She took you in and showed care over you despite being a total stranger to each other. Now, she means so much to you and you’ll feel so lonely if you get separated from her.
“Come with me! I’m sure the place will be spacious enough for the both of us.” you walked closer and tugged her hand, giving her a show of your puppy eyes.
Lucie stared at you for a while and chuckled. “Sure! When will we start packing?”
Your eyes grew big in so much delight as you two started jumping around like crazy girls.
“I’m so excited!” you exclaimed happily.
Nobody will believe if you told them how hopeless and miserable you are when you started your day. And now, it felt like everything’s falling in their right places. Finally, things are getting better and you feel like you can start again. This time, you will do better and focus on yourself.
“We’ll be expecting your presence in the meeting tomorrow, Mr. Park.” the person on the other line tries hard not to sound too demanding. He can feel his breath hitching, his heart pouding and the back of his head sweating.
Sunghoon remained silent for a while before he sighs, “All right.” he shortly replies and he can almost hear the sigh of relief from the other man. Not because he agrees on coming to meet him, but because he didn’t made the mafia boss upset.
Sunghoon drops the call and rests his back over his swivel chair. Moments later, he heard the door of his office burst open, followed by steps from more than one people.
“M-Miss, Mr. Park strictly ordered not to accept any visitor! Miss!” he opened his eyes and watch how a girl wearing a puffy pink jacket, paired with a tube and mini skirt walks inside his office. Behind her was his secretary looking so worried and scared of the consequences she might face.
“Mr. P-Park I tried stopping her but—”
“Shut up!”
Sunghoon sighs and dismissed his secretary. She bowed, clearly terrified after she was screamed at. The girl rolled her eyes as she glances back at Sunghoon.
“What are you doing here, Luna?” he asks and plays with his pen. He stared at her with no emotion over his eyes, bored and unamused with her unannounced visit.
She clenched her fist while holding her small Hermes bag. “You didn’t show up last night at the party.” she looked so upset and anger ooze from her eyes.
Sunghoon remained the same, unbothered. He kept playing on his pen and then tilts his head a little, staring dead at her.
“Why would I?”
His response made her even more angry. She hates how he ditched her last night. She hates that he seems unbothered about it. She hates that he’s treating her this way when clearly she doesn’t deserve this. And she really hates that despite his rude attitude towards her, she still want him.
“Because you are my fiance.” she confidently stated and kept her chin up at him.
Sunghoon scoffs without humor and it made her nibble over her lower lip. Insulted, that’s what the bitter feeling that he’s giving to her at the moment.
“No, I’m not. I never agreed to it.” he sighed, getting bored of this conversation.
“Your Father promised my family that he will—”
“My father’s words are his and that’s out of my concern. Leave me out of it because I have no intention of getting involve with you or even,” he trailed hise eyes from her face down to her feet. “marry you.” he continued that felt like a straight stab of a knife to her heart.
“Sunghoon!”
“You should go. I’m pretty busy.” he dismissed her like nothing.
Her eyes teared up, “You can’t keep doing this! My Father will not let you mistreat me this way! You’re putting both of our families in a hard position!”
“If you’re not planning to leave, then I will.” he stood up, towering over her figure. She kept her glares at him, tears starting to stream down her pretty face.
When he was about to walk pass her, she grabbed his arm.
“Stop hoping for that girl because she’s not here.”
Sunghoon clenched his jaw before slowly facing her direction. The darkness in his eyes sent shivers to Luna’s system. Her hand slowly retrieved out of fear. The atmosphere felt heavy and suffocating, she knew he was pissed and she’s scared.
“Don’t ever touch me.” he muttered sternly before walking away and after he left the room, Luna manages to finally breath.
Fear slowly drained off of her and now she’s pissed again over him. But most of all, she’s mad at that girl Sunghoon’s obsessing on. She couldn’t wait to meet her face to face so she can kill her herself. She’s the main reason why he couldn’t see her love for him.
“This will be your office. Let me know if you need something else.” your eyes carefully roamed around the spacious office you are taken to.
It looked so simple yet cozy. You have a private space for yourself so it was just perfect. Tho, you couldn’t feel a little suspicious and curious as to why everything about this company is just... favorable to you. A side of you are glad that finally, you have a job again, but the other part of you are feeling so warry of the situation. It felt like you managed to get all of these so easily. The unknown thought kept living at the back of your mind and the worry of something heavy awaiting is somehow haunting you.
“Aelia?” you snapped back to reality when she calls your name softly after noticing that you are silent for a while.
“Is there something wrong? Did you not like it? We can try to check the other office beside this—” you quickly stops her and smiled.
“This is perfect! Thank you so much, I’m just overwhelmed.” her eyes scanned your face, like checking if you’re really saying the truth.
“Are you sure? The office beside this is vacant and more spacious.” she stated.
You smiled even wider, “This is already enough for me, thank you. Besides, I’m just new to this company. I should earn my position first.”
She was caught off-guard when you said that and suddenly realized that maybe she’s overdoing things. The boss did personally asked her to take good care of you and to make sure you have everything that you need. Even if she’s a little confused and curious why the boss is so fond of you, she refrain from sticking her nose into it. After-all, Jake Sim won’t really like it whenever someone else gets in between. Working for him for years already gave her those knowledge.
“O-Okay! Your place is already ready as well. You can move to it right away as you please.”
The delight on your eyes are obvious as you thanked her right away, flashing those pretty smile.
“U-Uhm, can I ask something?” you looked hesitant, but Jake’s secretary gave you her all attention.
“Can my friend move in with me?” you’re a little embarrassed to even ask it to her. They’ve been very good to you and it worries you that they might take this request differently.
To your surprise, she smiled.
“I will ask the boss about it and get back to you, is that okay?”
You nodded your head and thanked her for it. She left you afterwards since she still have a lot of things to do and also so you can look around your office building too. You are having a great time actually. Just thinking about this new opportunity in your life gives you so much hope and happiness.
“Mr. Sim?” his secretary answered his call.
Jake’s currently at the lobby of the airport that owned by Sunghoon, waiting for his flight. He lazily flips the pages of the magazine he randomly picked from the small table beside him.
“Did she arrived already? What does she think of her office?” he asks right away.
Normally, new employees doesn’t get an office all for herself. They have cubicles meant for them, but Jake wants you to be very comfortable as much as possible. After-all, your future man now owns that company you’re working in. He just handed Jake the check last night and he was very delighted about it. It was a very good deal even if his friend cursed him nonstop.
Jake chuckles at the memory.
“Yes, sir. I made sure I prepared everything that she needs.”
“Good. Remember what I asked you to do, all right?” he reminds her.
”Noted, Sir.”
He was about to end the call when she talks again. “Mr. Sim, I have something to ask.”
“What is it?”
“Ms. Aelia asked me if she can take her friend when she moves to her new place?”
Jake pursed his lips and tilts his head over to the side. “Is it a guy friend or a girl?”
It took a while before she responds.
“She didn’t really mention it, Sir.”
He took his time to reply and just sighs. Ni-ki’s been investigating you right after they found you. He did mentioned that you had a boyfriend, but he said that you ended it with him as he had seen your ex-boyfriend fooling around with some other girls.
Ni-ki also did mentioned that you didn’t have many friends. Also distant with your parents for some unknown reason and now living independently.
“Okay, you can ask her if its a girl or a boy. If its a girl, she can do it. If its a boy, don’t allow her.” he says calmly.
‘Don’t let her move in with a male friend or else his life will be in grave danger once his dear friend found out about it.’ Jake thought to himself.
“Noted, Mr. Sim.”
“Okay, that’s all. I just called to know if she settled in well.”
“C-Can I ask something a little personal, Sir?”
Jake tilts his head and hand unconsciously taps over the magazine after what he heard. He doesn’t really like when people he isn’t close with steps over his line of boundary. But since he just received a big check, he’s in a little good mood.
“What?”
“Do y-you perhaps like Ms. Aelia?”
Jake pursed his lips and almost laugh out loud. He couldn’t believe he’s being asked with this question. But he couldn’t really blame her for misunderstanding his actions. She probably have an impression of him being cold and distant with his employees. Then suddenly he’s been doing so much favor for this new hired.
“No.” he sighs, “I don’t want to be killed by Park Sunghoon.” he whispers under his breath that he’s sure she missed.
“Let’s just say she’s a very important person for my friend so I’m doing him a very big favor.” he added.
“Okay, Sir. Sorry for asking.”
Jake didn’t say anything else and just bid good bye with her. He ended the call and stared at his phone for a while.
He knew how much you mean to Sunghoon and so he’s just trying to help him. His friend went through a lot of things just to find you, now that he did. He needs to keep you safe until Sunghoon’s done with what he’s planning. After that, he will have to do something for you and him to meet.
Jake smirks, couldn’t help but to feel so excited for what’s about to unfold in the future. His eyes caught the big screen when it flashes some of the pilots from the airport and a smirk spreads across his face when Sunghoon’s face flashes through the screen.
“Damn, who will trust a pilot with really bad anger issues?” he clicked his tongue and chuckles before grabbing his things to go leave for his flight.
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#enhypen#eeunoiaverse#eeunoiawrites#eeunoia#enhypen imagines#yandere enhypen#enhypen fic#enhypen park sunghoon#enhypen sunghoon imagines#enhypen sunghoon yandere#enhypen sunghoon x you#enhypen sunghoon x reader
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#yellowstoneedit#yellowstone#yellowstonetv#beth dutton#rip wheeler#beth x rip#mine#clearing out my drafts#a year ago i was obsessed and i miss that feeling#and them
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I can't enjoy my anime stuff without the 12 years old that lives with me starting a fight... God the kid learned that anime is "uncool" and he thinks that I care
#honestly do not miss that age where what other think is more important than yourself#he was obsessed with anime one year ago#feel bad for him#at the same time I am too old to care#and today he was even like “i am gonna get and iPhone that is cooler than an android”#and?#if my phone os working and free i am happy#i do not care if your phone is better than mine 😭#anime#but anyway what makes me sad is the possibility of him and his friends treating bad other people just because of their likes
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I feel like I want to go home but I don’t have one of those. I want to be near my best friend. I’m frightened by rampant and violent transphobia in our culture. I’m somewhere safe and secure but I feel vulnerable. I want to hide. I want to be left alone. I want to be near others. Everyone is so distracted and overwhelmed by life. I feel invisible. I want to be held.
#this is goggles#that’s the crux that never quite goes away#I want to be held so very much it’s like the thread my sanity hangs onto#I miss my habibi#but I also feel like I’m starting to get overwhelmingly needy#I feel like I need to be more aloof as not to be demanding and bothersome#I get more obsessed with partners way more than they do me and it’s just like a recurring thing I know I have to dial back to be paletable#it would feel nice to receive the kind of obsession I dish out#I don’t quite understand why I’m so different I kinda hate it about myself quite a lot#I just want to be held everything melts away into quiet peace when I’m held but just laying around snuggling for hours is massively boring#my body hurts so much less it’s like signifigant I don’t understand why it’s so signifigant#my right shoulder and my lower ribs and my neck especially#I wish my body wasn’t like this it continues to feel like a character flaw that I need to overcome#I want to find a doctor I can trust again but I’m more than a little bit overwhelmed by the prospect and mistrustful and vulnerable#Find some kind of magical way that I can make my body quit hurting#mend where I broke my ribs a couple years ago and find the source of the mystery organ pain and whatever happened to my shoulder#I wish I were building a house right now with funky 70s interior design#I wish I could afford to build a house#I wish I could force myself to just shut up and work some shitass job doing nothing of use like trading stocks and make bank and build#I feel antsy like I want to run again but I don’t actually I am perfectly content vibing right here#I can’t just keep running espesh with the fucky paperwork on my van#I am so tired of driving it’s so stressful#the road trip out here was notably brutal on me in a way no other road trip has been before#I miss my best friend I’m trying so hard to be patient for their arrival here#but some gnawing anxiety in my brain worries that they’ll put it off indefinitely and eventually back out#my own insecurity screaming that I’m not worth the massive life altering changes that moving out here with me would bring#my insecurity screaming that I’m not good enough#screaming that I’m too difficult and needy and strange and clingy and demanding and ill put together and chaotic and messy#I feel like I’m barely keeping it together I feel like I’m always teetering on the edge of total and complete life shattering failure#Like everyone around me only barely tolerates my presence and will throw me away and chase me off on a whim
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Is anyone else with ADHD get kind of depressed whenever they don't have any hyperfixation at the moment?
Hyperfixations can be an issue when they stop me from focusing on important things, but when I don't have one I feel very empty and sad.
#right now my fuel is YGO as you could guess#but just before I had a period with any hyperfixation and it was awful in my head#I went through previous interests in the hope it wouls trigger something but nope#I had a big ff15 period just before but even this couldn’t do anything and I was feeling so empty like something was missing in me#honestly I don't think I ever had a hyperfixation this strong before YGO#last time was my kingdom heart era but that was 10 years ago (I'm still a huge KH fan but I'm not obsessed about it like I was in the past)#even my CLAMP period wasn’t that strong
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PEETSIES IN THE POOL TOP NOTCH ENRICHMENT 💯👌
#starting to think my obsession with feeling weightless in water has more to do with eds joints than anything else 😭😅😂#apple talks#to the tune of spam#it’s also technically California cold rn so I can dangle my legs in peace lmao#gosh I missed quickly acclimating to think cold water is warm 🥺#too cold to actually swim. don’t have a swimsuit either. also still a lil paranoid even tho my surgery was like. 4 years ago. 😅
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BEEN READING TOO MANY RESEARCH PAPERS LATELY. keep forgetting how much i love actual books i need book recs stat
#rusty speaks#fucking love research books. reading carol j clover's book on horror movies rn#next is 'when brooklyn was queer' bc i started that lkke a year ago & never finished#last is the new jim crow which ive read bits & pieces of but i finally have an actual copy i got at the eastern state museum#pressing flowers between the pages of all my books while i wait to read them i feel so fun & indie & in control of my lide#* life#BOOK I JUST GOT THOUGH. its fiction i missed fiction so much#its translated from japanese i forget the name but its about these boys obsessed with a jpop idol to the point of murder & its very.#trying to describe the way its written. its so VIVID like it makes me feel sick i like it so much its so poetic & PRESENT#last non research-related (whats the fucking name for that genre of books) book i read was like. bad vampire romance#i LOVE the library. everyone say thank you library for the trashy vampire romance books
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whats he that wishes so? my cousin westmoreland? no, cuz i pray thee wish not one man more! if we are marked to die, we are enough to do our country loss.. but if to live! the fewer men, the greater share.. of honour :) god's will i pray thee wish not one man more... 🤭 rather, proclaim it westmoreland, through my host, that he which hath no stomach to this fight.. let him depart! his passport shall be made and crowns for convoy put into his purse. we would not Die in that man's company that fears his fellowship to die with us. by jove, i am not covetous for gold, nor care i who doth feed upon my cost but if it was a sin to covet honour then i am the most offending soul alive!!! this day is called the feast of crispian. he that outlives this day and comes safe home shall stand at tip toe when this day is named!! old men forget, yet all shall be forgot but he'll remember with advantages what FEATS he did that day. and our names, familiar in their mouths as household words - "harry, the king, (🤭) bedford and exeter, warwick and salisbury" - be in their flowing cups Freshly Remembered!! and then he shall strip his sleeve and show his scars and say "these wounds i had on crispins day :)" ne'er shall this day go by from this day to the Ending of the World, but we in it shall be remembered. we few 😇☺. we happy few, we band of brothers - for he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother! - be he ne'er so vile, this day shall gentle his condition! and gentlemen in england now abed shall think themselves ACCURSED they were not here, and hold their manhoods CHEAP whiles any speaks that fought with us, upon saint crispins day!!!!!! 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥👍
#so that's how my week off has been going. btw. this is all memorised#i've missed a few lines but this is .... most of the speech. i don't even study this play i feel crazy#chaos.txt#shakespeare posting#i mean i memorised most of it a few weeks ago but i've been going over it recently <3#unis r straight up ghosting me and i've gotten into the habit of getting oddly obsessed with shakespeare speeches#every time something bad happens. and feb was shit so ......#both times they've been weirdly patriotic though </3 but i can't do this with the other one#first of all it was last year and i didn't go over it nearly as much. this one i was watching every day multiple times a day#for like. a week. and i copied it into my notes app also.#ok. logging out again 👍 there's a crying cat outside and its 6am 😔💔#i can't tell if she's giving birth or having sex. the cat. i think its the 2nd one tbh
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having a crush on someone and not knowing how old they are is crazy. Is this man 25? Is he 27? Is he 31? Is he 46? Is he 127? no idea
#all i know is#he’s done at least 4 years of undergrad#and served™️ in the military for 2 years because korean tutor is korean#if im almost 20#that’s gotta be a 5 year age gap minimum 💀💀💀#sometimes i look at him and he looks older sometimes he looks younger i need someone to tell me how old this man is#i need to investigate but even me with my finely honed fbi skills it’s hard#anyway he is saur cute i love the way he makes me feel like i know that sounds bad but i am literally obsessed with how he treats me#bro has got me writing ‘tutoring 💕💕’ in my agenda like an insane person#anyway 😔😔😔😔😔#i miss him i left him 5 minutes ago and now i miss him#this is saur bad guys#but he has cute dimples. and he’s so sweet
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Yandere! Crazy ex boyfriend
tw: female reader, non - con, heavy degradation, slut-shaming, abuse/violence, mockery of depression, suicidal ideation, obsessive behavior, death threats, dark
It's 2 a.m. and you can't sleep - you keep turning and burying your head into the soft, warm pillow, but something is off. The moon is too bright, coming in from the gap between your heavy curtains. The crickets outside are too loud, playing around and singing the same old melody over and over again. The static silence of the old radio tucked under the drawers is too repetitive, too predictable. All in all, you can feel it in your bones; something is wrong. Very, very wrong.
You hear the steps next. That sinister laughter - getting louder and louder, someone screaming at the top of their lungs, the echo flooding through the thin walls of your small shared flat. Someone's fist is gripping the lock with uneccessary cruelty as if trying to knock it out of the handle. The key falls down in one sharp motion, and your heart stops completely once the door opens with a squeaky, familiar bang - it still makes you jump even after all those months.
"Aww, baby!" The man exclaims, leaning against the door. You're not sure if you are hallucinating due to the countless hours of lost sleep, or there is actually smoke coming out of his old black trenchcoat. You're not even sure if he's trully here, or if this is yet another nightmare. "You didn't bother with locks this time!" He continues, smiling with childlike glee - but you know him too well. He's never peaceful. He's never cheerful. Any indication of happiness the monster exhibits is meant to confuse and trick his prey, and you're not falling for his tricks again. You already got burnt one too many times.
"Does that mean you missed me?" He tilts his head, almost pouting at you. He's all disheveled - a total wreck. The curly, unruly hair you once loved to caress and play with now just seems shaggy and unkept, sticking out like an explosion. His eyes are dark, well, darker, bloodshot, barely recognizable from the warm pots of honey that used to make you melt against him. He's lost weight, yet weirdly enough seems to have gained some muscle. You can't help, but think that it simply looks weird, unnatural even. Adam, the one you remember, was never strong - he was never threatening, never even raised his voice at you. But that was years ago in the sweet, distant dreams of the past, and that boy had died the moment you two moved in together. That's when your hell trully began.
"Were you trying to give me easy access, baby? Hm?" He smirks, interrupting your stream of consciousness. If you were unsure of his physicallity, of his existence, it's bright clear now - because you can never mistake that taunting, humiliating curve to his voice, the one he only uses when he's mad. Really, really mad. "Knew I would be back?"
You take a deep breath, slowly nodding along - maybe if you play nice, he'd just go away. Maybe this time you won't end up in cuts and bruises, all memories, good or bad, completely wiped off your drugged out hazy brain.
"Of course you did." Your ex boyfriend humms in satisfaction, taking a single step towards you - and it makes you tremble all over, no matter how much you wish you could remain calm and collected at the face of Death himself. "Because I told you so, no?" He clenches his teeth, raising his head so his eyes would meet yours. You feel like a deer caught before a trigger guard with an unstable trigger, one second away from being shot in the heart. "I told you-" He steps closer. "That I'll be back-" Another step. "Didn't I, princess?"
You nod again, unable to produce a sound. You almost wish he brought his gun so this little torture session would end quicker. Almost.
"Aww, look at you trying so hard to please me. It's adorable, baby." The man coos, his knee sliding across the edge of your bed. Fear takes a hold of your lungs, squeezing them in until you feel like you're seeing stars - and then Adam climbs on top of you. It all happens so quickly - one moment he's far away, and then he's towering over you, his hot breath ghosting over your sweaty neck, baby hairs sticking out with shivers. You can't shake the terrifying, unescapable feeling that you've been here before. That you somehow always end up underneath him, begging for your life - for mercy he won't ever grant you.
"I wonder where all that enthusiasm was when you decided to run on me." The white part of his eyes suddenly illuminates, brows raised together - he looks deranged. "Huh?" He looks at you, expecting an answer, yet you can't think of one. Your brain is turning to mush, consumed by raw panic - but why does it matter? Whatever you say he'll find a way to use against you. "Answer me, you fucking bitch!" He hisses, voice dropping to a diabolical whisper as his fist snaps around your throat like a metal collar. This seems to break off your stupor, and you open your mouth, ready to yell at whoever is still awake.
"Don't you dare fucking scream, cunt." Adam grips your jaw with one hand, crushing your cheeks into each other. "If I hear a single word come out of that filthy little mouth of yours, I am going to slit your fucking throat." His lips twist in a big sadistic grin you would have wanted to punch had you had the strength to move your arm around. Instead you whimper, defeated. Even after everything, your stupid self preservation instinct won't let you die - so it sacrifices the only thing you have left, your dignity. "And then in the morning your little friends will find you drowning in your own blood." He lowers his face, cold dead lips tracing the rough lines of your collarbone.
"A pretty picture for sure." He bites his lower lip, imagining it for just a second. "Bu-ut I know that even a depressed, suicidal little attention whore like you wouldn't want her friends to be sad." The man adds teasingly, and you can feel the bile back up into your stomach, burning and acidic. You may actually throw up all over him if you're not careful. And then he'd kill you for sure. "I mean, you seem to care for these pesky bugs oh-so much. It'd be a pity to force them to clean up your remains-"
"N-no, that's not true. I don't care about them, I only care about you!" You lie through your teeth, hot, salty tears pricking your eyes as you deny the love you have for the only people who care about you - the ones who basically saved you from a life of abuse and suffering. But apparently nothing good lasts, not when it comes to you. "Adam, I only love y-"
He backhands you - the slap echoes through the roof. Ouch.
"Don't say-" Your ex boyfriend grunts, roughly shoving you down. You take a shallow breath, letting the sting settle in. It's going to leave a red ugly handprint all over your cheek - and yet you stupidly thought your little confession was going to make him happy. Your anchors, the straws that used to buy you time, howerer rare and far in between, are all gone now. You used them up. You've run out of time, out of trick, out of will to keep fighting.
But you know he'll never make good on his threats. He'd never actually kill you - he doesn't love you enough to rid you of this miserable obsession that ties you together. And yet you tremble every time you feel the graze of his knife against your skin - you cower whenever he raises his hand. And you break down when he holds you close, hoping, praying that this time his embrace would prove just suffocating enough for you to stop breathing all together. It never does.
"Don't say you love me. You don't love me." Adam hisses in your ear, venom dripping off each word. "And I don't even care if you love me." He turns you around, pushing your face into your pillow - muffling your cries into weak, hiccuping sobs. "You're nothing." He swallows, averting his gaze to your lower body - yanking your shorts down with little concern as to whether they'd rip or not. "You amount to nothing, you're lower than dirt. You're just a fucked up little bitch." The man keeps mouthing off, and you can't decide what hurts more - his nails digging into your hips, or the razor sharp insults. " I never want you to forget that you deserve everything I give you."
You cry out as his massive length enters you with absolutely no preparation. It hurts - you're dry and it chaffs against your walls with nothing to make it slide freely, bruising your cervix. Your muscles are trying to push the foregin object out, but it keeps pushing in and out of you in forceful uniform thrusts. Between the waves of sharp and stinging-hot pain you manage to form a coherent thought - and you're surprised. Surprised that the man is even able to stay hard when all he feels right now is anger. Not love or affection, not even lust. Just anger. Surprised your body is still going even after your mind has given up. Surprised that, even despite all your protests and agony, you are growing used to this.
"I gave you everything." Adam start off again, picking up the pace of his thrusts. "Everything - but you're too much of a selfish whore to see." He pulls your hair back so you'd face him from beneath - then he slaps you with all force. "I want to mess up that pretty little face of yours." His hand connects to your cheek once again. You know you'll wake up all puffy and blue tomorrow morning - if you even wake up. "I want you so goddamn ugly no one wants you anymore." He pulls you in by your shirt, smashing his lips against yours with a brutal force - as if he's trying to become one with you, and break your face at the same time. "I want you so ruined-" He kisses you again, teeth running into teeth - yet he's the one to bite you first. "And lonely that you have no one else to turn to."
"I want you broken." He pulls away just to stare into your empty eyes, voice now back to a whisper. "As broken as me."
#yandere#yancore#male yandere#male yandere x reader#yandere oneshot#yandere x you#yandere male x reader#yandere oc#yandere oc x reader#yandere smut
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Look. A little advice.
Once you get to a certain amount of Known on the internet or a subsection of it, or even in a subsection of a RL group of people, there are going to be people who will make up a version of you which exists only in their heads and which has absolutely nothing to do with who you are. It might better resemble who you were twenty years ago or it might never have had anything to do at all with who you were then or are now.
You cannot stop this. You cannot prevent this. Once you get a certain number of followers or a certain amount of attention, that's going to happen: people will make up stories about you which either look through a fun-house mirror at some small aspect of who you are and twist it and blow it up until it doesn't resemble you at all, or which just have absolutely no basis in fact whatsoever.
This is just another kind of parasocial relationship; it's the kind which really sucks to deal with, because it's so negative and so pervasive. It's very real, and the frustration you feel about it is very real. Nobody wants to be known incorrectly.
But. You can't control this. It's gonna happen. No matter what you say, no matter how precisely you say it, the people who want to misinterpret you will find a way to do so. This doesn't mean 'don't pay attention to what you say,' or 'don't be purposeful and precise with your language,' but it does mean 'don't obsess over the people who are determined to get you wrong.'
You can be the most anodyne, run-of-the-mill, unremarkable human being, and the people who are determined to hate you will find something that they can point to and say 'ha ha! I told you that Spider danced with the devil at midnight! I witnessed it myself!' (It will not help the situation if you are, say, self-admittedly stubborn as fuck, long-winded, and sometimes kinda fucking obnoxious, but please realize that in the end, it doesn't really matter. This is gonna happen no matter what.)
The people who matter will look at what's being said, wrinkle up their foreheads, and say, 'uh, man, it looks like Spider was actually playing with his dog at 9 am?'
That said, if you don't have elephant-thick skin from being a marginalized-gender human being who's been on the internet since before the web had pictures, there are some things you can do to make it easier when people making things up about you starts to get on your nerves:
Establish protocols for when it becomes too much: have someone read your messages, turn off your notifications, have time where you purposefully disengage.
Establish protocols for how you interact, period: "I will block people without guilt if they engage positively with the people who spread untruths about me." "I will answer everything in public so people can't lie about what I said, because it's right there in public." "I will not answer work-related stuff in DMs, that has to go to the work email." Whatever it is, create some boundaries for yourself. Stick to them. The people who push you to bend them aren't doing that for your benefit but theirs.
If you get someone who really hits your Weirdo Alarm, trust it. Yeah, block and report, but also, take screenshots and store them somewhere that isn't easily erased. I have an 'Internet Weirdos' folder, which makes it a little easier to deal with when people start doing things like 'making threats of physical harm to me and my family.' Don't fuss, just take a screenshot and chuck it in the folder. Having that record makes it easier to just forget that it ever happened, because you have a paper trail if anybody starts doing something Real Weird.
Spend time offline, with people who do actually know you.
Don't get lost in the version of you that someone else makes up in order to make up for the shit that's missing in their own life. You aren't required to play the part that someone else is trying to script for you. It is never to your benefit, only to theirs; you gain nothing by standing in that role for them, and you lose precious seconds of your one irreplaceable life.
You could be using those seconds to look at this video of how to pick up a duck, which I think we can all agree is a better investment of your time.
youtube
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i miss my dog :(
#just. google photos has a memory feature where it shows you old photos and such#and just. four years ago yesterday i took a ton of photos of abner prancing around our kitchen in a little winter coat we got for him#in january it'll have been 4 years since he passed away but i still miss him constantly#he really was my dog. my dad used to get pissed at me for saying bc he was fucking obsessed with being the Alpha Male. ew. but abner -#- really was my dog.#i walked him and fed him and helped bathe him and brushed him and showered him with love#i kept him company and helped nurse him back to health whenever he didn't feel good. i helped him walk around on days where his joints -#- were causing him trouble. id stay up late with him if i heard him crying downstairs. i taught him hand symbols when he started going -#- deaf bc he loved doing tricks and i didn't want him to lose that option.#sure my parents bought his food and would help me bathe him once in a great while but i was the one running the show lol#i was his favorite person too. my dad always got pissed whenever abner would choose to hang out with me over him and i loved it lmao#i miss him so much. he lived a very long and full life and im grateful for that but i wish i could see him just one more time.
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summary: in which jungkook loves to see you smile and you are the god of mischief.
idol!jungkook x reader, est. relationship / fluff / word count: 2.6k
content/warnings: mention of childhood insecurity, mention of biting during s*x, jk is very touchy, they watch a movie and the guard thinks they’re doing sumn nasty bc they’re both a menace honestly 😭, jk accidentally bites his lower lip and bleeds
> in which masterlist!
note: hi !! this is a repost of a drabble i wrote two (?) years ago but accidentally deleted lololol so if you’ve read it before that’s why! but this is now an edited version with a new title <3
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“baby,”
jungkook calls your attention out of nowhere, pausing the movie playing on the tablet you’re holding. the frown painted on his face is difficult to miss.
“i have a question.”
“so randomly?” you raise an eyebrow. “ask me then.”
“why do you cover your face when you’re happy?”
the wide-eyed look of genuine curiosity on his face is identical to yesterday’s, when he asked you what the word ineffable meant after hearing it in a song.
the question prompts you to take a glance at the screen, where a sophisticated woman has a hand over her mouth as she giggles with her elite acquaintances about an old but classic rich husband joke.
“it’s not that it bothers me, i just- i’ve noticed it lately and i-i wish to see you smiling and laughing more freely, you know?” he tries his best to choose his words carefully, offering you a kind smile as he lovingly caresses your head. “it makes me happy when i see you happy.”
“oh,” you blink at him, mind going blank as you attempt to form an answer in your head. his touch isn’t exactly helping you either— you just want to melt into him and not think of anything at all, float on cloud-nine and stay there forever.
however, seeing as he asked you the question out of the blue, he must’ve been thinking about it a lot. you’ve only been dating for a few months, so it’s understandable for him to eagerly seek the answers to his curiosities and observations. if anything, it feels nice to learn he gives this much attention to you— possibly notices things you don’t even know about yourself. for a split second the thought crosses your mind, that beyond a consciousness, you are tangible and real.
“it’s a habit i guess? when my teeth were falling out for the first time as a kid, i became insecure, so i decided that i’d just smile without showing my teeth from then on. like this.”
you demonstrate by lifting up the corners of your lips.
“and yeah-”
as if he’s helplessly pulled by the magnet of attraction, he leans down to kiss you and interrupt your sentence.
“i’d cover my face when i couldn’t contain my smile or laugh. and even when they grew back, it felt weird. like my smile didn’t belong to my face? if that even makes sense.”
“yah, that’s not true! you’re very pretty whether you’re smiling, or crying and-” his warm hand cups your cheek, and he stupidly grins as he’s about to say something cheesy. “even when you’re just breathing.”
the corners of your lips rise again. this time, it’s genuine.
“oh? how romantic.” you scrunch your nose cutely, and his heart flutters.
you hold onto his wrist, revelling in the way his thumb softly traces shapes on your skin.
“i’m over that, though. it was so long ago. i don’t think about it obsessively anymore at least. it’s really just a habit i haven’t gotten rid of.” you reassure him, meaning every word that you say.
we all have our secrets and fears that we keep only to ourselves, that much is understood between the two of you. there are circumstances in which withholding information is necessary. however, the one big promise you made to each other is to never lie. honesty and trust. ease and consolation. every word, every syllable hanging from your lips an addition to the naked history of your love. passed down stories. confessions. blurry memories. shutter sounds. curses. laughter. song dedications. that much is true.
“why are you looking at me like that?” you bite the inside of your cheek to conceal a smile, beguiled by his love drunk eyes seemingly stunned by your mere presence beside him.
“like what, baby?”
you shy away from his gaze. “like you’re either thinking that i hang the stars on the sky every night… or that you want to eat me alive.”
to confirm your words true, he takes your hand and sinks his teeth on the flesh of your palm where your thumb is connected. his wide doe eyes peer at you innocently, sparkling like of a little kid eating the fluffy pancakes he’s been craving since last night.
the latter might sound like a joke to others, but jungkook does eat you alive. almost. basically. you’re not even shocked at the act anymore. soon enough, you’ll memorize the mark of his teeth carving their mark on your skin, both in sexual and non-sexual setting.
“babe,” you send him a bewildered stare. “i really don’t think i taste as good as you make me out to be.”
he parts away with his eyebrows knitted in disagreement. “not true. you’re yummy.”
“oh, shut up!” you burst into a fit of giggles. your hands automatically attempts to fly to your face, but he has your wrists bound with his secure grip. you don’t resist. you only laugh harder when your sight lands on your hands tangled together.
“there’s ____’s beautiful smile.” he coos, proceeding to pepper your face with appreciative kisses.
and you fold. your back lands on the soft mattress, and your belly starts aching from laughter when he purposely blows on the spot on your neck where you’re most ticklish. hot tears gather at the corner of your eyes, and jungkook watches them fall down your temples as his lips graze your skin and your body shakes underneath him.
tears of joy and pleasure are the only tears you’re going to shed, he promises himself. you’re going to smile and make flowers bloom everyday, he promises you and the earth.
—
your teeth chattering from the cold is a shy away from your awkward smile, he notices the endearing resemblance as you shiver beside him.
“hmm, what did i tell you about cinema one?” he teasingly asks as he draws back the armrest that serves as a divider between the two of you.
“that it’s fucking cold in there-” you surrender, tone sounding annoyed. “here. whatever!”
“and who still decided to wear their smallest pieces of clothing?” he continues to taunt you while he pulls you into his body’s natural warmth.
you sigh, whether it’s in relief or annoyance, you’re not quite sure.
“i just wanted to wear my new cute clothes.” you whisper-shout.
the giant screen is still playing trailers of the upcoming movies this year, and you’re already mentally updating your calendar to accommodate them despite your hectic schedule. a two-hour vacation, you would always describe films.
he chuckles, and more shivers run down your spine at the deep and raspy sound being so close to your ear. “you do look cute today, baby.”
he catches the cloth of your skirt between his fingers, and somehow, he ends up squeezing the soft flesh of your thigh. you swallow thickly, unconsciously closing your thighs together and trapping his hand in between them.
“thank you, handsome.” you grip his wrist to move it away. you tut. “no silly business, though. i really want to watch this movie.”
his shoulders drop dramatically in disappointment. “okay… want to sit on my lap so i can keep you warm then?”
you look behind you to see that there’s no people sitting on your side, so no one’s view would get blocked if you were to agree to his proposition. the room is practically empty, with a few scattered people sitting on the sides.
you spend the first fifteen minutes of the movie in comfort and bliss, with your boyfriend’s arms wrapped around you. he took off his jacket earlier, and he splayed it over your lap as to not neglect the goosebumps rising all over your freezing legs.
“so stubborn,” jungkook muttered under his breath while he was taking off the jacket, an amused smile etched on his lips. you would’ve felt bad, but you knew he likes doing these things for you, so you only playfully stuck your tongue out at him.
look, to be fair, it is your first time in this cinema. you’ve been on many dates at this theater with jungkook, but for some reason, you’ve never watched a movie in cinema one until tonight. it’s cold in the other three cinemas as well, the kind of cold you’ve gotten comfortable with, so when jungkook booked the tickets last night and told you ‘it’s really cold in there, wear something warmer,’ you thought he was just being ridiculous.
hah, how cold could it possibly be? right?
fine, jungkook is right. you are stubborn.
and you prove it once more when a flashlight shines over your face. the security guard holding it approaches your seat- wait, no, jungkook’s seat. jungkook is your seat. what?!
“i’m sorry, but only one person can sit on the chair. please comply.”
you trace the direction of her eyes to find jungkook’s hands tucked underneath the jacket on your lap, resting on your inner thighs to steal their warmth. you send him a sharp glare, but it doesn’t affect him one bit. he only shrugs, obviously hiding a smirk as he pretends to be the most innocent person in the room.
you pull up the armrest next to you with a pout, slipping back into your original seat against your wishes.
“he was just warming up his hands. i promise!” you whisper not so subtly to the guard.
she only clears her throat and awkwardly nods in response, walking up the stairs to observe the rest of the movie watchers.
you bury your face in your hands as your body vibrates with mirth mixed with humiliation, and jungkook’s jaw nearly falls on the floor.
“sometimes i can’t believe you’re real. how do you never get shy?”
“i was just clearing things up!” you whine, hitting his arm using the side of a closed fist, which he massages with a squeaked ‘ouch.’ “you’re the one who put me in a compromising situation!”
“well, nobody told me taking care of my girlfriend was a crime!”
you carry on with watching the movie after that embarrassing scene, and you’ve forgotten that you’re cold until you’re uncontrollably shivering again. you begin rubbing your arms in a pathetic attempt to get rid of the goosebumps, but you eventually abandon all hope.
you sadly look over at your boyfriend to plead for help once more, but he has gotten too engrossed with the film to feel a pair of shaking pupils beseech him intensely. he finally opened the box of popcorn he’s been saving for the climax.
and he was the one who wanted to do something other than watch the movie.
you grimace.
you are no stranger to his confusing attention span.
after carefully studying the room to ensure the guard is no longer in sight, you unceremoniously climb on jungkook’s lap again. your actions cause some pieces of popcorn to fall from the box, and he scrambles to stuff them all in his mouth before the powder stains any of your clothes. yours are new, after all.
his face displays a puzzled expression, screaming i thought this was supposed to be a compromising situation?! and his soft rosy cheeks on the other hand-
“you look like a chipmunk who got caught in the headlights stealing food with its mouth full.”
the screen flashes a frame of the clear, blue sky in the aftermath of a ferocious storm. it sends the fleeting sunlight to shine on your face— just long enough for him to capture the image of how pretty you are when you giggle, and most of all, how your hand moves to cover your face, but drops on his arm before it could reach its intended destination.
he recognizes it as a conscious effort, and he feels a tug in his heart. his sweet, precious lover. you will never do anything wrong in his eyes, he thinks to himself as he hugs you closer for a kiss. the feeling of your smile against his lips might just be one of his most favorite things in the world.
he pulls away with a toothy grin to match yours, offering you the box of popcorn. the beautiful smile you claimed to not belong on your face lingers as you turn it down and sip on the lemonade instead. and then it simmers down to your usual mellow smile, to a deep frown, until your lips quiver as the resolution of the film reduces you into a puddle of tears.
jungkook likes to keep mental notes about you.
an excerpt from today:
1. how to make ____ smile? act cute.!! :)
2. how to make ____ cry? watch a son and mother reunite after eighteen long years.
p.s. i think i cried harder, but quieter ????
3. how to make ____ angry mad furious? kill off the said mother unnecessarily at the end of the movie for the sake of shu shock value.
the lights turn on all at the same time as the credits start rolling down on the plain black screen. your body slumps back on your boyfriend, drained by the series of overwhelming events that transpired in the past two hours. he waves his hand infront of your face, but your eyes remain unfocused and unblinking.
“this is the worst movie i have ever seen in my life. four out of five stars.”
he snorts at your unseriousness. “that is the most stars you’ve given this month. and it’s the 29th.”
“see? it’s the worst! i’m going to have nightmares!” you cry out with an exaggerated shudder, grabbing his forearms to envelope yourself in his embrace.
“honestly, pushing her off the cliff was a bit too mu-” his sentence gets rudely cut off when your shoulder accidentally hits his chin. you scrambled to go back to your seat, and this escalated to him accidentally biting the inside of his lower lip. the unusual mix of the bitter and salty taste of metal permeates his tongue as an unexplainable expression spreads across his face.
on the other hand, you’re too preoccupied with mischievously smiling at the guard standing down on the floor. she measures you up with a displeased look worse than earlier’s, but much to your relief, she proceeds to walk out after scanning the room one last time.
“baby!” jungkook yells in pain to grab your attention, jutting out his bottom lip to show you the wound that you inflicted.
“oh my god- shit, shit, shit-” you curse, digging your hand in your bag in search of your handkerchief. “i’m so sorry!”
you press the cloth on the bleeding, profusely apologizing to him with a wince. “i panicked! i’m sorry, i’m sorry!”
he pushes your wrist away for a moment, doe eyes squinting at you accusingly. “you just wanted to play around with her, didn’t you?”
you chew on your bottom lip, the sight of blood that has stained the handkerchief sends a pang of guilt across your chest. “sorry… her face- she was just so funny.”
“fuck, why are you like this?!” he throws his head back with a bright laugher that echoes throughout the theater. “ah, you’re so adorable!”
“come back here!” you scold him, holding his face in your hands to crane it back down.
he juts out his bottom lip again, but his body continues to vibrate with lighthearted chortles.
“does it hurt?”
“it hurts…! i think i might seriously cry!” he answers despite his high tolerance for pain, distorting the truth so that he could drown himself in the gratifying feeling of being doted on by you.
he writes another mental note as you inspect his wound, repetitive bloopers playing in the background of the love bubble the two of you share.
4. ____ likes playing games with strangers. must protect with my life.
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lavender haze | lee know. smut.
Your boyfriend is not prone to communicating his feelings through words, but luckily for him, you always know exactly what he needs. (1.9k words)
CONTENT: smut, boyfriend!lino, creampie, unprotected sex and cum eating. minors and empty blogs do not interact.
© all rights reserved. i do not allow reposting and/or translations of my work.
Contrary to popular belief, Minho sulks often. You do understand why people would believe that isn’t the case—your boyfriend’s dry jokes followed by a sarcastic smile being one of the reasons why you were drawn to him in the first place. When you first met him a couple years back, when he was still doing busking events with his dance crew alongside a common friend of yours, you’d watch in doe-eyed adoration as he’d flash his bunny teeth in a playful grin to his crewmates each time they got one move slightly wrong. What pissed them off the most is they could never get back at Minho—he never forgot any moves, never missed a beat. His justifiable confidence made him oh so irritating—you were attracted like moth to a flame to his character, his knife-sharp features matching his equally piercing sense of humour were fuel to the fire.
But the thing about your boyfriend's sulking is that it is often unjustifiable. Of course he doesn't need a reason to want to be pampered by you, but it'd be nice if Minho admitted he also likes to be taken care of at least once in a while.
“What did I do to deserve this torture?” The ever so intimidating choreographer mumbles from his spot on your bed, your pastel pink pillowcases being a little counterproductive to the assertive tone he's been trying to use on you.
Minho can’t suppress the smirk forming on his lips at your scoff, “Torture? I'm just asking you to wait! These bedsheets got here like, two weeks ago!” You're on your feet, struggling to fold one of the new huge linens to store in your closet. “If they stay in these bags any longer they're gonna start smelling weird.”
“You know that's not how it works, right?”
“I don't care. You know you should be helping me, right?” You look back, a smirk of your own automatically taking place when your eyes find his.
Despite the lopsided smile that seems to be permanently plastered on his face, Minho grunts as he drags his body out of the comforter and towards you, “You know you should wash these before putting them away, right?”
And as soon as your eyebrows raise and he sees the very familiar smile on your lips as you push the sheet into his arms, your boyfriend realizes he fell right into your trap, “Have it your way, then!”
The man watches as you jump in bed, getting comfortable on the spot he previously was—eyes filled with the similar overwhelming fondness they usually hold when Minho looks at you. “You’re annoying.” He takes off the rest of the sheeting from it’s flimsy plastic bags, making his way to the laundry room. “Don’t fall asleep!” He exclaims from the hallway.
“I’m not making any promises!”
“Don’t sleep! I wanna spend time with you!” Unfortunately, no amount of stubbornness can take away Minho's super power of having you giggling into your pillow. He wants to spend time with you. He's the love of your life and he wants to spend time with you.
Those are the feelings you can't quite understand. You’ve been with Minho for so long—at least long enough you've been through the “honeymoon stage” everyone seems to fear the ending of. For you, it feels like this stage never seems to be over. You pray it never ends.
So here you are, kicking your feet because your long term boyfriend said he wants to spend time with you. At least you know he's as obsessive as you are, if not slightly more.
Minho's way of showering you with love was overwhelming. He isn't the type to communicate his feelings through words, instead, he'd do things like casually tell you about getting into a rather serious argument with his manager, trying to get the day off so he’d spend your birthday with you. Of course he would be busy, cooking your favourite meal as he casually narrates the dramatics him and his group went through trying to get his needs respected. He doesn't look you in the eye when he says he got emotional, the only reason why his manager gave in being Minho “never behaved like this before”. This is his way of saying you're his utmost priority, can't you tell? The redness of his ears and fidgety eyes are a big hint of the nervousness Minho prayed you wouldn't pick up on. Unfortunately for him, you know him like the back of your hand.
You know that a quick glance your way means someone said something he found amusing in a way. If his hand fell to your lower back in social gatherings, it means Minho is a bit nervous and needs some grounding. If he's too silent, you know to sit beside him and wait until it all comes pouring out. With you, it always does. If he's vocalizing how tired he is, you know he'd enjoy talking for hours on end about anything that comes to his mind. Minho always needs you, he just has very specific patterns to show you exactly what he's currently craving from you. Fortunately for him, he's your favourite subject matter. He's the only thing you ever want to pay attention to—the sole owner of your entire focus.
That's why you know exactly what he needs when he flops back on the bed, and after a few moments of silence, blurts out “I miss you. I missed you a lot this week."
You crawl out of your nest and straddle your boyfriend's lap, dragging your comforter along and covering you both with it.
You're both silent as you hold his cheeks, taking your time as you kiss them, then his forehead, and the mole on his nose—at least a couple times each. Minho's hand slides down your lower back when your lips find his, tongue slowly tasting his as you feel his heart beating tranquilly against the palm of your hand sliding up and down his chest. You feel his right hand gently cupping the back of your neck, holding you close against him as the other sneaked under your shirt, slowly caressing your bare back.
Minho doesn't try to take control of the kiss like he usually does—neither do you. Your bodies seem to move in harmony, the glacial movements of his tongue making you sigh against his mouth every now and again, promptly resulting in a smirk of his. You loved kissing his smile.
“Missed you so much, baby.” He repeated softly against your lips. Minho now had both hands under your shirt, his touch leaving goosebumps as he caressed up and down your sides.
“Missed you too. Always miss you so much, Min.” Your breathing is a bit compromised now, hands moving on their own as you remove your own shirt.
Minho quickly follows, his palms back on your hips as soon as his shirt is tossed to the side. “I know you do, pretty. I know.”
His hands lay on your ass, groping as he whispers against your lips. “Spent the entire week thinking about fucking you. Gonna lay on your side for me, pretty? Hm? Gonna do it just how I like it?”
Too much, too much, too much. You don't think you're really moaning anymore, but you're sure your mouth's been hanging open for a while. Minho’s hips are slow as he hits the deepest parts of you, holding your squirming body for a few seconds each time he bottoms out. The sweet, lazy drag of his cock inside you make your lust disable all of your senses. He felt heavy, thick, so deep inside you. Full. You felt so, so full.
Somewhere in the haze you feel his palms making their way towards your chest, you process a bit of squirming as he squeezes them, massaging your breasts as he continued his torturously slow assault on your g-spot.
Minho can feel every cell fighting against his urge to mount and pump into you as fast as he pleases, but he'd endure anything if it means he gets to hear your drawn out whines as he rocks his hips back and forth, your entire body shivering every time he pauses deep inside of you for a few moments.
He runs his hand through the goosebumps of your arms and back to your chest again. After feeling you up a bit more, your boyfriend takes your hand and drags it south as he presses on your lower stomach, making you feel him moving inside you.
“You're feeling how good I fill you up, honey? Can you feel it?” His breathing is much more ragged now, Minho's body is visibly shuddering behind you as well. You squeeze around and him, bringing his hips to a stop.
You look back, staring at his open mouth as you inhale each other's heavy breaths. As if snapped out of a trance, Minho kisses you roughly. He swallows each of your moans when his hips start swaying back and forth again, still as slow and rough as he was.
His hand leaves yours as he reaches for your chin, spit dribbling down your lips.
“So fucked out you're drooling for me. God, you're so good, baby. You take it so good.”
“Holy shit, Minho! So close, so close, so close-” Your voice is no longer a whisper as it's pitch gets higher, your orgasm dangling in front of you in a fever dream. You feel him everywhere and it's almost too much, but certainly not enough. You're so overstimulated you don't know what to focus on to reach your high—both your senses and judgment so clouded you can't muster the brainpower to figure out what you need.
Luckily for you, Minho knows you like the back of his hand. “I love you. Love you so much.”
You can't tell how long it lasts, you're barely able to process Minho coming inside you. You feel the ghost of his hands holding your hips still as he whimpers in your ear—the sound alone making you shiver all over again. Your body shakes in his hold, limbs giving out after a prolonged orgasm you're not used to experiencing.
“Love you too… Love you so much…” The words mindlessly escape your lips as your head slowly sways, fingers twirling the ends of your splayed out hair.
Your eyes are closed as he lays you on your back, adjusting the pillow under your head as he chuckles. “Love you too, pretty. Hang in there just a second.”
You feel his hands caressing your body as he handles you, a sixth sense making you chuckle when you realize he spread your legs but didn't start cleaning you up.
His hands run down your thighs, you can hear the smirk on his voice. “What's up?”
“Stop staring.” You say, humming with your eyes still closed.
“Don't wanna.” You feel his fingers sliding through your core. “Mouth wide open for me, baby. Come on.”
You sigh when you get a taste of his coated fingers, lips wrapping around as your tongue licks in between them. You open your eyes to find him hovering above you, eyes fix in your mouth.
The look you give Minho makes him dizzy—the way you stare up at him with your big doe eyes in such adoration while sucking cum off his fingers almost made his heart burst. He can feel how each beat of it belongs to you, his heartbeat chained to a rhythm that followed your own.
Chest to chest, Minho watches as your eyes sparkle, your hand softly stroking the back of his head. A smile forms on your lips when you pop his fingers out of your mouth as you breathily mutter against them. “You know I'm gonna marry you someday, right?”
#excuse the fic “”“cover#if u can even call it that#im too lazy to make them so thats what u can expect from me lolz#skz smut#stray kids imagines#stray kids smut#stray kids x reader#lee know x reader#lee know smut#lee minho smut#skz imagines#lee know imagines#skz x y/n#skz x reader#stray kids x you#stray kids x y/n
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the first chapter of Moby Dick rewritten in tiresome modern idiom
CHAPTER 1. Loomings.
Call me Ishmael. Some years ago - it's none of your business how many - being mostly broke, and bored with the land part of the world, I thought I would sail around a little and look at the watery part of the world. I'm probably the most mentally healthy person you know. Whenever I feel my face getting grim; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself accidentally reading the ads in the window of funeral homes, and following funeral processions through traffic; and especially when I'm hangry, and only my extremely strong moral principles stop me from deliberately going out in public and methodically slapping people's earbuds out - then I know it's high time to get to sea, ASAP. This is my substitute for getting in fights. I'm too mentally healthy to kill myself; I quietly and considerately put myself on a ship and sail myself away instead. There is nothing surprising in this. Everyone feels exactly the same way, and if they don't, they're lying.
You think I'm lying? Exhibit A: a city. Go to your local coastal city. Everyone is looking at the water. They drive over from other neighborhoods just to come to the water. They make a day of it. They're not doing anything, they're just staring at the ocean. Why? Is it because they all work office jobs? No! Here come more of them! They cram themselves up to the edge of the water and stare at it. WHAT DO THEY WANT? WHAT ARE THEY LOOKING AT. Perhaps the ships themselves all packed together, each one with several compasses on it, creates some kind of critical mass - all of the small compass-magnets on all the ships in the harbor combining into one really big magnetic field - and the people get sucked into the field and trapped there. That's science.
Exhibit 2: the countryside with lakes in it. Every path you follow in the countryside brings you to some water, such as a stream. There is magic in it. If you take your standard fool with ADHD dissociating in the middle of a supermarket and put them outside and give them a shove, they'll automatically lead you to water (if there is any nearby) (try it). Another good experiment to try is to get lost in the great American desert in a caravan supplied with a metaphysical professor! Try it in the great American desert at home!
Yes, as everyone knows, meditation and water are a match made in heaven. Married forever. That's science.
Here's an artist who wants to paint you the dreamiest, most enchanting landscape. What does he put in it? Trees, meadow, cows, a cottage with smoke coming from the chimney, obviously. He will probably put a path in it and make lots of triangular mountains in rows and have them be different shades of blue (naturally.) But there's gotta be a stream in it. Go visit the prairies in June, and wade for forty miles through knee-deep through tiger lilies. What's missing from this picture? Water!
If Niagara Falls was made of sand instead of water, would you travel your thousand miles to see it? Why would a guy given a handful of cash have trouble deciding whether to buy a coat (which he needed) or go to the beach? Why are all the best, healthiest, sexiest and most mentally healthy people obsessed with the sea? (You get me.) When you were first on a boat, did you not succumb to VIBES? Consider ancient Persia. Consider ancient Greece. They understood about vibes, and also gods.
SURELY ALL OF THIS IS NOT WITHOUT MEANING.
And still deeper the meaning of that story of Narcissus, who because he could not grasp the tormenting, mild image he saw in the fountain, plunged into it and was drowned. But that same image, we ourselves see in all rivers and oceans. It is the image of the ungraspable phantom of life; and this is the key to it all! You get me! You understand it now.
Now, when I say that I am in the habit of going to sea whenever I get weird, don't you dare imply that I buy a ticket and get on a boat. I have never had money in my life. How dare you. Anyway I don't go as a passenger - that's bougie, and something boring people do. Passengers never have a good time. And although my C.V. is incredible - I go to sea SO MUCH, you guys, I have lots of experience - I don't go as a boss, or a cook. That sounds like far too much work. Hard work. Disgusting, respectable, bougie, and far too responsible. I can literally only look after myself. Do not ask me to look after ships or shit. In fact, I have only a vague idea of what a ship is. There's so many different kinds of ships - don't get me started and DO NOT GET INVOLVED. Also, I'm allergic to glory.
It's kind of attractive to go as a cook. I mean, I'm allergic to glory and there's some glory attached to the position of the ship's cook, but, like, you're not management-track and so it's still credible. But I don't really want to cook (say) roast chicken. I really fucking love to eat roast chicken. I'm one of the best at doing it actually. I really appreciate when people go out of their way to butter, season, baste and roast a chicken for me. Picture a roast chicken and I am Looking Respectfully at it. Maybe something more, maybe I'm worshipping it. Don't make this weird. If you want to get weird about my relationship with roasted chicken, why aren't you getting weird about the ancient Egyptians? They ate roasted hippos (look it up) and the pyramids were basically pizza ovens. So it's pretty hypocritical to think that I'm being weird about roasted chicken when I've never made mummies out of chickens or built a religious pizza oven dedicated to honoring them: check and mate, haters.
Anyway - I like to go to sea as a manual laborer. A simple sailor. Salt of the earth… er… sea. Yeah, true: as a job it sucks. They make you jump around, order you around, treat you like shit. They expect you to jump around the boat like a grasshopper. And yes, at first, this sucks. It's degrading, especially if you come from a middle-class family. Worse, it's awful if you've already had some kind of professional job before signing on to be the dirt on the boss's boots - like, if you went to college and worked as a teacher and actually got kids to pay attention to you, really feeling this connection to work/teaching/identity or some shit, and now you are just literally the scum on this captain's boots, in the lowest possible job in the world. It hurts! It hurts your dignity. But the hurt, and also the dignity, both wear off in time.
So what if some old bastard sea captain orders me - ME! - to get a broom and sweep down the decks? What does that indignity amount to, compared to the shit in the Bible, compared to the shit in the news, compared to the shit everyone else has to take. Do you think the archangel Gabriel thinks anything the less of me, because I promptly and respectfully obey that old hunks in that particular instance? Who ain’t a slave? Tell me that. We're all just serfs under capitalism, right, so why not just be honest about it: I prefer the honesty. Anyway, however the old sea captains may order me about - slapping and punching of course - I have the satisfaction of knowing that it's the same experience everyone else on Earth has, but more honest. Everyone else in the world is being served the exact same way. Either in a physical or a metaphysical way - sometimes people get the shit beaten out of them in person, sometimes online, sometimes emotionally, it happens to you in EVERY JOB, you sign on to get pushed around and slapped in the teeth: so the point is that when you're a sailor, it's a clean and honest slap. All the workers of the world share the same universal slap to the face that gets passed round, one slap passed all 'round the chain, like paying it forward, but it's a slap; and we should all accept this Universal Slap as the price of living, and then offer each other healing back massages, brother to brother, and slap each other and then kissed the places we slapped, and be happy.
I could examine that but I'm not going to.
Anyway: I always go to sea as a sailor. I've said that already. You're welcome. BUT THE POINT IS, they pay you. If you're a passenger, they don't pay you, at least, not that I've ever heard of [citation needed] (do they pay passengers?? Is there a job I can get where I can be a passenger and get paid?? Look this up.) Yeah so passengers have to pay. And there is all the difference in the world between paying and being paid. The act of paying is perhaps the most uncomfortable infliction that the two orchard thieves entailed upon us. (That's Adam and Eve. You get it.) But BEING PAID. GETTING PAID IS THE BEST. NOTHING COMPARES TO GETTING PAID. EVERYONE LOVES THAT SHIT. Which is surprising, since we also apparently believe that money is the root of all evil, and isn't there something in the bible about "no rich people can get into heaven," right? And yet it's universal, literally everyone loves payday. Ah! How cheerfully we send ourselves to hell.
Finally, I always go to sea as a sailor (I've said this already) because it's FRESH AIR AND EXERCISE. Okay so think about ships. Normally, bosses stand on the "bridge" thing, and because we're sailing a boat, the nose is going into the wind and the butt part of the boat is at the back. That's how wind works. But if you think about it, winds usually go in one direction more than other directions (unless the men have been eating beans and farting: it's Pythagoras, look it up) SO if you're a boss standing on the boss-deck, the wind is blowing FROM the sailors TOWARDS you, and YOU ARE ACTUALLY BREATHING THE AIR THAT SAILORS ALREADY BREATHED. The boss THINKS he breathes it first, but he doesn't. He gets the air at the BACK of the boat and sailors get the air at the FRONT. So it's better to be at the front of the boat (sailor) for health reasons. This is a metaphor for life and work, etc.
But I have smelled the sea lots of times as a paid sailor and WHY I should decide to go on a whaling expedition - ok so you know how there's an invisible police officer of the Fates who has me under constant surveillance, who secretly dogs me, and influences me in some unaccountable way? YOU get me. You know him. "The poor FBI agent tasked with reading my search engine history" YOU GET ME. Anyway, "Ishmael, why, after having a perfectly well-reasoned, and very smart of you, part-time job as a spontaneous random sailor, did you decide to escalate that to joining a WHALING EXPEDITION, which is worse in every way?" Well, ask my fucking secret FBI agent, he can answer better than anyone else. Including me. You get me. Also, obviously, this was predestined, part of the Universe's Grand Programme for its talent show, which was all scheduled way before our time. The concept of sending me on the whaling voyage comes in as a kind of interlude or solo between the main performances of the Universe's great talent show. I bet it was advertised llike,
"PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION OF THE UNITED STATES EMBROILED IN ONGOING LEGAL DISPUTE.
Whaling voyage by some guy called Ishmael.
BLOODY BATTLE IN AFGHANISTAN."
Like a commercial break in between the big acts. A filler episode. Lightens the load for everyone else. Though I can't explain why the stage managers - the Fates - chose such a shitty role for me, a WHALING VOYAGE of all things, when it feels like others were given magnificent parts in high tragedies, and short and easy parts in genteel comedies, and jolly parts in farces - it seems a little unreasonable at first. Why doth Ishmael get shat upon, etc. But then I think about all the circumstances, the plot points and motivations that were cunningly presented to me under various disguises - FBI agents, bouts of random hanger, gay awakenings, you get me - and you can see that actually, I was set up. And worse, between them all, these Fates and Circumstances conspired to make me believe it was all my own choice and good judgment. Is Free Will an illusion? Are my decisions bad? We will NEVER know because I, Ishmael, am just a little guy that the Universe plays head games with.
One of the ways the Universe tricked me into starring in this performance and then mocking me for it was the overwhelming idea of the great whale himself (whaling expeditions usually contain whales.) Such a portentous and mysterious monster roused all my curiosity. Then of course, if you have a whale, you have the wild and distant seas where the whale rolls around with his body-the-size-of-an-island; the dangers and nameless perils of the whale; whales are also found in interesting places I haven't seen; this all tipped me over the edge. Maybe normal people could've resisted, but I am tormented with an everlasting itch for obscurity. I hate everyone else's oceans. I want the forbidden seas.
You know The Horrors? Of course you do. You might be surprised that I, the most mentally healthy person you've ever met, a person who is self-aware enough to go to sea when they're at their fucking limits, a guy who likes fresh air and manual labor and normal things, is familiar with The Horrors. Well, you'd be surprised. I know what's good, I'm an extrovert. But I'm still quick to perceive The Horrors. And how I deal with the horrors is a very extroverted thing: I'm social with them, if they'll let me. It's smart to be on good terms with The Horrors. You should always be on good terms with your permanent neighbors. That's how extroverts deal with The Horrors, and I recommend it.
I think that's enough explanation for why I welcomed the whaling voyage. The great flood-gates of the wonder-world swung open, and in the wild figments of imagination that pushed me into doing it, the whales came marching two by two, hurrah, hurrah. They marched into my innermost soul in endless processions and occupied it, you see, I was quite helpless under this occupation - I consented to the haunting and the whales marched in to haunt me - and amidst them all was one grand shrouded white phantom, like a snowy mountain in the air.
You get it.
You know how it is, with whales.
(read the actual first chapter of Moby Dick here: https://www.gutenberg.org/files/2701/2701-h/2701-h.htm)
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