#THIS TOOK SO MUCH WORK AND IT WASNT SUPPOSED TO. WHY CANT I JUST DO A QUICK DOODLE. A LITTLE FLAT COLOR FANART. I AM CURSED | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kits-ships · 6 months

Note

💕 seraphina!!!

SERAPHINA MY BELOVED....... her lore is ever-changing and confuses me but its ok bc they are so pretty <3

warning: im free-balling everything here. g/ood o/mens lore and the biblical canon are simply suggestions to me. also bonus asmodeus (oc) lore.

tws for abuse, self hatred, and slight eye horror

angel!seraphina:

as an angel, their first job was to design animals to put on earth! she wasn't the only one with that job, of course, but she had the most fun with it! she's responsible for most of the mammalian carnivores that lived around the garden, such as cheetahs, leopards, lions, jackals, hyenas, and wild dogs. because of her enthusiasm, their next assignment was to watch over the aforementioned animals and to make sure that nature was in balance. she was named the angel of the southern savanna at this time :) sera loved her job so much that she may have ignored god's orders to leave the earth during the expulsion of lucifer + his cohorts. unfortunately for sera, a banishing of this size sent waves of horrific energy cascading over the earth and it scrambled their mind. they were essentially hit by the residual energy(?) that makes demons into demons and it put her into a constant state of pain. it also led her to extreme internal conflicts, as the demonic energy was a bit fucky on their angelic body. because she had disobeyed god's orders and wound up hurt, they essentially became a seraphim-turned errand boy. she was not permitted to visit earth, other angels would get mad that she couldn't properly preen herself, and she felt like she was constantly letting others down. in a split-decision, she sneaks off to earth to visit her animals :) and gets kidnapped by the demon, asmodeus.

asmodeus:

asmodeus personifies lust. he always gets what he wants, and he wanted sera (maybe a reference to the book of tobit?). he took them as his supposed 'bride' and kept her around like a glorified doll that he would bite, claw, and toy at all he wanted. imagine like. a dog and its favorite chew toy. asmodeus kept sera for seven hundred years(?) before getting bored of them. she had no fight left in her and it wasnt fun anymore smh

fallen!sera:

heaven was pissed. seraphina hadn't listened to them AGAIN and now she's like, a half-chewed pen cap. whats up with that? was she working with asmodeus? why'd he call them his bride? she isn't trustworthy anymore. the fall changed them and we cant keep her here anymore. bye girl. after this, depending on how im feeling, she either wakes up in a field alone- surrounded by embers from her fall- or cro/wley/azir/aphale find her. she's initially totally blind (it appears to be traumatic glaucoma), theyre covered in blood(??), and is all dirty. plus, her wings are grey now?? seraphina is, understandably, very confused. how could she be bleeding? why arent her wounds healing? and why didnt they sink into hell once she'd fallen?? turns out, hell did NOT want her. she was still too sweet and icky. i like to think jobs family or someones family end up caring for her. whether they just found her or cro/wley + azir/aphale were like "wow u did so good for god. here's an angel pls watch it for us' and sera essentially becomes an heirloom. she's like jemimah's personal barbie doll. sera will eventually get up and leave to figure stuff out, but theyre mostly a hermit until the 1800s.because human life is scary and feeling like a mortal is weird!!! what is she supposed to do?? luckily, having an angel and a demon around is nice. she finds them and gets in on their shenanigans here and there until the azir/aphales magic show. at that point shes like "woa. these guys are silly ;)" and returns to land they'd bought in mayfair a lil bit ago. sera also eventually opens a plant nursery beneath her house, but no one knows how it stays open since her chronic pain makes her hours super erratic

demon!sera

i don't know how demon!sera becomes a thing. maybe they just fall straight to hell like they were supposed to. as a demon, sera either changes their name to abaddon or baphomet. abaddon because theyre said to be tied to destruction and chaos, which would result from sera's anger towards everything, and baphomet because i think theyre cool :) baphomet also represents social order, which id say is fitting for someone who, in an au, is stuck between heaven and hell. they also kept nature in balance on the savanna, so demon!sera, like their newly, fallen-angel self, is mostly blind. they see light and darkness and very blurry shapes. as abaddon, their irises are split and look like splotches, and, as baphomet, they have horizontal slit irises like a goat's. maybe horns, too. they are also much angrier and prone to outbursts when compared to their angel self and is disgusted by themselves. they hate being a demon and they hate everyone who has. abaddon would use this rage to mostly create natural disasters, and baphomet would use it to insist on forcing things into balance- even when it would cause lots of people pain. i dont know if that makes sense they are also represented by the komodo dragon :) and they tear asmodeus to shreds. demon!sera may also be venomous.

#kit's questions!#LORE DUMP...........#sera; innocence died screaming #tw abuse #tw eye horror #tw self destruction

6 notes · View notes

acaciapines · 5 months

Note

TELL ME ABOUT MARI. TELL ME ABOUT LUZ-MARI. PLEASE INFODUMP I AM AAAAAALL EARS 👂👂👂👂👂

he he YEAHHHHH

okay so the big thing about luz and mari is that its like. god okay.

so the human world in my fic is basically his dark materials pushed to the extreme--i took all the parts i hated about how daemons are presented (second to their humans, only talk to other daemons, mostly there as a symbol, settle very young) and went yeah :) this is how the world works.

and thus we get luz and mari. luz who was never so great at picking up all these rules because she was a neurodivergent kid and it just--they were so SLIPPERY. she was just doing her best, wasnt she? and mari, who knew they were wrong, they EXISTED wrong, did everything wrong, and had to step up and do everything right but daemons aren't supposed to be the ones leading the way. they are supposed to follow.

but theyre also supposed to protect their humans and lead them down the right path and its this horrible catch-22 where to be a good daemon mari has to be a bad daemon and it just. it eats at her. it eats at her so much, as they go to the boiling isles, where everyone accepts luz and luz fits right in and theyre wrong wrong wrong but luz is having fun and mari is too but no, no she CANT, she cant be a bad daemon, has to be good, and good, and good--

and then comes the choice. blow up the portal to save eda's life. or let eda die so she can go back home to her mom.

the good thing to do is to go back home. the demon realm? its just...a distraction. temporary. besides, theyre settled, arent they? sure, mari hates the form, and her scales are too-tight, and she can't shed them. sure, she drops her tail, and won't ever grow it back, but--shes being good, right? right?

luz wants to save eda.

luz wants to be a Bad Daughter.

luz is trying to be a good daughter. to eda, though.

and mari--

see, theres one thing worse than being a bad daemon. and thats being a daemon who unsettles.

so now theyre trapped in the demon realm. now luz is saying all these things about how maybe its good, actually, and maybe the human realm wasnt so perfect, but doesnt she get it? this isnt a STORY. this is real life, and in real life, you close the book and go home. in real life you swallow down lizard and you sit with it no matter how much your scales itch. in real life bad kids are sent away to become good kids. and youve never, ever been a good kid.

its wrong, to stay here. its wrong, that luz isnt as dedicated to building the portal as mari is. its bad, and its SO BAD, and mari keeps trying her best, and then makes it, halfway, and shes seeing the human realm, seeing home, and look, thats how daemons are supposed to be, and--

was it always so...stifling?

surely, she's just...misremembering. thats home! its where she needs to be! its...

sometimes people call them luz-mari clawthorne and it makes luz grin a bit and mari want to claw her own fur out (but she cant have fur it should be scales why is the fur more her than the scales ever were--)

sometimes mari looks at her own paws and wonders why she even bothers trying to make luz good when all its ever done is get them both hurt.

sometimes mari lies awake at night and thinks only to herself: does belos have a point?

but mari's a Good Daemon. she's doing everything shes supposed to be doing. shes doing it right, and she'll just--settle again, settle BETTER, and even witches settle, even if they're weird as kids, even if nothing is adding up, even if shes learning things in belos's mind, learning HISTORY, and if it's true, if belos is wrong, if witches and humans actually arent so alike at all, if luz is maybe more a witch than she's ever been human, if, if, if--

mari just. has to be good.

why cant luz see that?

#toh #daemons #and a grove of palistrom to you #i write #this was more. prose? than i intended #but uhhh yeah lol it answers the question.#basically: luz and mari are Going Through It and as one person across two bodies #they get to! have entirely opposite reactions to things #that makes :)) their relationship :))) so so fun :)))))))))#which is why its the core of this fic!#this is fun only to me but. i think my favorite writing choice nobody will notice #is that in 19.5 (inbetween where we get a drabble from every pov character leading up to the day of unity)#i have all the characters ordered to like. reflect in some way #so like theres 14 drabbles total and character 2 and 13 or 3 and 12 relate in some way etc etc #anyways mari goes first. luz is in the middle. and belos goes last <3

6 notes · View notes

allfather-we-stan · 2 years

Text

A little life update "summer 22 with no solid poo"

for anyone who cares lol

as some of you may have seen from my other social medias and here, my health has gone to pretty downhill and I want to share my story and explain bc idk

And for not to scare anyone, no its im not deadly ill. Im prob gonna be just fine.

gross warning i talk about poop

So umm this all started at the end of may- start of june when i started having diarreah. no biggie, i get anxiety diarreah like once a week so i didnt think much of it at the time. Only took me like few more weeks for straight diarreah to realize that something may be wrong lol. So i joked about it and let it be. I call this summer "Summer 22 with no solid poo" and wanted to wait till august to go to doctor. Then i got covid. So i had to wait that out before going to the hospital.

And finally the day I got to go to the doctor and everything was fine, i was supposed to get blood work tested and maybe poop in a container and the doctor thought that it might be celiac-disease bc that runs in my family. But i got fever straight as i got home. I didn't feel so good. The fever continued for a couple of days and then we decided its time to go to ER.

We went there, got bloodwork done etc. Waited there like 6 hours and finallly at 9pm the doctor had time to see me and turns out my inflammatory values were super high and that theyd like me to stay at the hospital for a while. So i stayed at the hospital for 7 days.

In those 7 days they took so much bloodwork from me it was insane! (and fun fact, turns out my veins are shit and no one can find a good spot to draw blood or put an IV tube in). For a couple of days, no answers. They had no idea whats wrong with me. My fever rise and they gave me antibiotics and other meds. Went to the ultrasound and nothing. And then, they had to give me a observation aka "put a little camera up my ass".

But bc i live in a small city theres like one doctor who does that and his schedule was full. So I had long long days waiting for my appointment. And they got me on friday.

But before we get to the camera up my ass part. Hell was loose. They had to "clean" my bowels. And they told me, and I QOUTE "It's either 1: drink two cups of this cocktail that tastes like orange juice or 2: drink 3 litres of water". Obv i took the orange juice! It cant be that bad! WRONG! JESUS CHRIST I WAS WRONG.

As soon as i drank the bad tasting orange drink, i felt like throwing up. Then the pain came. Oh god the pain. It was like level 10 menstrual cramp kind of pain. I was literally crying and screaming bc it hurt so bad. Only thing that helped at the moment was to stay still but i couldnt do that bc i had to shit out the cocktail like every 5 minutes. Many times i thought to just shit my pants on the bed and not let that be my problem. I was in so much pain I was in panic mode. And the worst thing was, no one warned me. They didn't even mention that it might hurt with some people. I don't remember all bc panic lol but i remember this one bitch ass nurse going "Duh its gonna hurt it has big chemicals in it! Even gas can hurt inside bowels". I would have punched her if I wasnt shitting at the time. Then the nurses took their sweet time to get me painkillers and nausea meds. But I couldnt take those bc i felt like throwing up. And then I remember a doctor came. He was nice and explained to me that it hurts bc the orange juice made my bowels like spasm to clean it. I was like "lol thanks for warning me beforehand". Some time goes, they give me that yummy tranquilizer trough IV and I'm high asf. It still hurt but atleast i was high. Then came the cup number 2! I tried to drink it, immeadetly i threw it up like no way that stayed down. And again, panic bc idk what happens next. Do i need to do this all again? Is my bowel clean? Am i gonna be okay? And then i passed out and slept trough the night.

And at this point, on a serious point. WHY THE FUCK IS TELLING PATIENCE THAT THIS THING X IS GONNA HURT SO FUCKING TABOO??? Like i get it, you dont want to scare people but a little heads up would be better than nothing! I just wish someone had told me.

Okay, morning comes, its friday, camera about to go up my ass. they give me nice tranquilizer again, YUMMY. Im high again. they roll me to the operation room, and the nice nurses and a doctor explains whats gonna happen. ( I knew this was gonna hurt beforehand bc they gave me the tranquilizer and figures). At this point they tell me that going up my ass is the hardest part and hurts but after that its easier. Im like okay i can do this, im high and im a big boy! So there i was, laying on my side, doctor rips hole in my underwear to put the camera up my ass. And there it goes, felt weird. Then this stinging pain comes and i curse. Nice nurse lady notices and presses against my tummy and the pain gets easier. They tell me to take a deep breath everytime the pain eases. I do. I'm breathing so good baby you wouldnt believe ( still fucking high). And that thing happens over and over again for like, maybe 3-4 minutes but felt much longer. Sometimes the pain was larger but the nice nurse always pressed my tummy and i, kind of, farted the pain out? It's weird but you get it. Then i hear the words of heaven "We are there"! THE WORST IS BEHIND. I'm happy! I turn around, look at the screen where i can somehow see ( didnt have my glasses) the inside of my bowel part. And i said "ew" and turned my head back. I dont wanna see that. it was pink. Then the doctor spoke something doctorly that i didnt understand. They spend a minute inside my ass doing... doctor stuff and then they took the camera out. It didnt hurt just felt weird, like taking a weirdly shaped long shit. And then they were like "lol we done! We gonna take these samples to the lab asap!" And I was like "you took samples?". THEY TOOK PIECES OF THE INSIDE OF MY ASS WTF.

okay its done, im still high and after couple of hours, they let me go home. I'm happy. I'm feeling good. Life was good. Untill the next morning.

I felt bad again, I threw up at night and I had a mild fever. We call the ER to ask what we do. They tell me that i havent drank enough liquids. So for the next two days I drank so much water you wont believe but i still felt bad and had a fever. So off to ER again!

We went there, they were like lol again bloodwork. At this point im sure i have no blood left. Then we waited and waited and they take some more blood and wait again. Results come back. My inflammatory values were high again. They again want me to stay at the hospital overnight. Hospital booked full. I wait. And finally its time. They take me to a 2 person room, as a 3rd guy. Like it was so cramped and I didnt even have the emergency button. Everything is overwhelming. It smelled like shit. I cried. it was a horrible experience and i can go all night about how shit it was but ill skip it at this point.

So i spend like two nights at the hospital, and they finally have the results in about the pieces of my ass they took. they dont know what it is. THEY HAVE NO CLUE. But atleast they got me meds that work and i dont have a fever anymore. But its like 5 different meds. They make me nauseous and tired. So its not going that well now but atleast im in a good shape to be at home rn.

Im still waiting for more results and follow-up things at the hospital. I'll update as I get to those. Thanks for reading, feel free to ask any questions and stay healthy lmao.

#so yeah its been like 3 months and i forgot what it feels like to have poop thats not liquid #legomirage rant

3 notes · View notes

my-ass-as-cold-as-mars · 10 months

Text

How am I supposed to get out of poverty?

I am open to suggestions, but guaranteed, I have already tried or cant do most of them.

I am so tired of being poor and being shit on because I'm poor. As if I could be more financially stable if I wasnt "lazy". Please, someone tell me how to get out of this pit of despair, because I'm not seeing a ladder.

I had to go home early from work the other day because I hadnt eaten a proper meal in 2 1/2 days. My manager told me I cant use this "excuse" again, as if not having money for groceries is an excuse. How can I not have money for groceries? Budgeting tips like cancelling subscriptions, shopping in bulk, not going out so much etc. dont apply when you have $10/week to spend on food. I don't go out. I dont spend money on lavish things. I dont waste money, because I HAVE NONE.

In the past month I have made less than $500. My rent is more than that. I also have bills to pay, food to buy, and life saving meds that I cant live without. How am I supposed to get out of poverty?

Get a job?

I have two. One hasnt scheduled me in over 2 MONTHS because I took 1 week of sick leave while I tried to not kill myself. The other I just started and I only get 10 hours a week. I've missed or gone home early 5 times already because I've been so sick.

Why am I so sick?

I am physically and mentally disabled to start, which will be with me ALWAYS. I have a bad leg from an accident, as well as Bipolar, PTSD and crippling anxiety.

I have also been sick lately from hunger and missing medications. I cannot preform at my job because I need money, and I cant get money unless I perform at my job.

Find another job!

Every job wants you to be available full time but only gives you 15 or less hours a week. Lots of jobs wont even hire me because of my disabilities.

Borrow money from your family!

I dont speak to my parents or sister because they abused me for 25 years.

Apply for E.I!

I cant because I'm still working and dont meet the criteria.

Get disability money then!

I live in NB, where monthly disability funding from the government...doesnt exist.

Move out of New Brunswick!

I moved here from Ontario because there were NO JOBS in Ontario. I cant move again because it costs thousands of dollars.

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and collect cans! Give plasma for money! Go to a food bank!

I'm not medically allowed to give plasma, I'VE TRIED. They dont want mine because I'm on medication and have a history of being ill. And cans, I actually do when I can, but every trip to the depot gets me about $3 and hours of exhaustion. The food bank nearest to me doesnt accept people at my address, and the farther one is a problem due to my anxiety about leaving the house.

Apply for welfare!

I am waiting for an appointment this week, and I need to be accepted. If I'm not, I am out of options.

I have been selling things I dont use or need in order to buy a couple groceries here or there.

What else is there?

Please, someone come to me with magic answers, because I'm at my end. Called a suicide hotline tonight because I dont see any more options, and it really seems like the world hates poor people, especially if you're disabled.

If anyone has any resources or suggestions not mentioned above, please let me know. Thank you for reading.

#poor #personal post #long post #help

1 note · View note

rosaefaerie · 1 year

Text

dear kim

my therapist told me to write letters to people, and that i dont have to send them but just to write everything i want to say. and theres so much i want to say to you but i cannot. because i love and care about you so much, i want your life to be free of thinking about this sort of thing. (but then again my therapist did say is it truly best to keep things from people just because we want to save them pain? and i think theres truth to be found in that, if someone really cares about you then they would want to know your thoughts right?....but i suppose i dont think you really care about me much anymore so thats the problem)

what i want to say most is im so sorry for everything ive done and caused all these years to you. i truly am. im sorry for being your friend and betraying you and going to jake, im sorry i never acknowledged how that must have made you feel. i was a bad friend to you. i was in a really bad place in life and i just clung to anyone who showed me a bit of attention and could be a way out of the hell of my daily life, i wanted people to save me. and jake promised that to me, but he lied.

jake hated me talking to my friends. especially you, he would forbid me from talking to you, and thats why i would come and go so much. because he would find out and threaten me with suicide. and i was scared and i didnt know what to do so i’d be trying to placate him always. but i did stand up for you, whenever he would be mean about you. because even if i wasnt a good friend to you i did and do care about you and i wanted you to get along even though i know now not only was that not my job but it wasn’t possible, not because of you but because that person, jake, has something deeply wrong inside of him.

i dont know if you ever knew the extent of what he would do to me, but i remember wanting to tell you so many times. when he moved nearer to me he became gradually more violent with me both in generally and sexually. i remember one day we were sitting on his bed arguing about smoking and i jokingly said something like “i’ll smoke all i want, one day i’ll come and blow smoke in your face” and he grabbed my face and slammed it into his wall behind me. he would often do things like that in simple daily life, suddenly go from 0 to 100 and hurt me. or he would play psychological games with me to confuse and frighten me. the worst was that often, during sex he would get violent. often he would punch and slap me, his favourite place to hit me was in my stomach. it took me a long time to realise, but often when i have flashbacks my torso jerks forwards, as if it was reacting to being punched still to this day.

the worst thing he did to me, which i recently began to remember in full during therapy was making me pregnant. it was a very traumatic and emotional experience and one i struggle to find the words to talk about. it was lonely, terrifying, unknown, disgusting.

i wanted to tell so many people. but i was scared, i was scared of being made fun of for making the wrong decision for going with jake. i was scared of jake killing himself because he would threaten to everytime i told him i wanted to break up. i would self harm to try and make him be gentler to me and it often worked. when i would cut my breasts, stomach, arms, legs, neck. he wouldnt touch me.

the week before i decided to leave england to move to spain, i never told jake about me moving. i just let the days tick down. and when that final week came i remember sitting in class at school and making a list of good and bad about him, and finally i realised this had to end. because if i stayed in england with him either he would die or i would die. there was no happy future for me there. i had to go. so i had my sister help me to break up with him, and i was finally free.

but that week, he would not stop harassing me from any place he could. my facebook, my phone, my tumblr, he even came to my house and it was the scariest thing i cant even remember what happened.

the reason i am telling you this is because i want you to understand why i would come to you and then run away in anger again. it is because after all that time, i saw everyone in england as my enemy. in fact even when i lived in spain, i saw everyone who showed me love and care as a potential foe.

i couldnt trust anyone, i was terrified of everyone, and for years i have been moving around kim. not because i love change like i always say, but because im scared of trusting people again. its easier to be alone.

and for a long time i saw you as the same as everyone else. everyone else i blamed for what happened. people who did nothing, people who threw me to jake and allowed him back doors into my life again and again when i was trying to escape him.

my mind was so fogged and broken, i just lumped you in with them all i suppose. i tried to convince myself you were a bad person. i tried so hard all the time over and over to convince myself you were evil. ive been trying all this time, because i thought that would allow myself to stop thinking about you all this time. i attributed my constant thinking of you as “obsession”, i was disgusted by it because it is unsightly to have such emotions for other humans. i saw it as a singular problem, rather than a sympton of my constant trying to see you as evil.

that is why, all this time i come and go. it’s this toxic cycle in my head, of trying to convince myself you are bad, being drawn to you, and then getting frustrated at myself because “i shouldnt be talking to you” and leaving. rinse and repeat.

theres nothing you ever did kim that i could blame you for. you aren’t a bad person. for a long time i’d be angry about that day i went to cornwall and met robyn and jake. and jake forbid me from meeting you. i think about that day almost daily. analysing my actions over and over. thinking about every last detail. for so long i was angry at you, for telling me you saw me all that day and followed us around but wouldnt come over and talk to me. i almost convinced myself in my psychosis that you took pleasure in watching jake touch me in public (something he often did to humiliate me, in ways more awful than can be said).

i know now how unreasonable i was. in fact i think i always knew, because why else would i constantly think about that day. you were like me kim, both of us disliked jake. both of us were hurt by jake. i dont know if you would permit me to call you this but realistically, both of us were victims of jake. to varying degrees. and i am so deeply sorry for never seeing that. for being so wrapped up in my own suffering to never see how it could be from your perspective.

like hell would someone who was bullied by jake go and disobey his commands to his partner that they werent allowed to meet their friend. thats crazy. if i was in your position i wouldnt know what to do either. and im so sorry for even putting you in that situation.

i dont expect you to believe me this time kim, because i have come and gone so many times. but i promise i will spend the rest of the time i have trying to be a good friend to you again, and if you dont want that you can send me away and i wont disturb you again. i promise.

i want to say one last thing, because it occurred to me recently. dont you think us being friends is the ultimate act of defiance to jake? considering how much he despised us having any kind of friendship. i thought so, and the realisation of that makes me quite warm inside. to turn hatred into love. anger into kindness.

i hope you are well kim, i truly do.

0 notes

meowlimia · 2 years

Text

ED vent log

it has been a bit since i did one of these

6/27 2:12 am

hi hi yeah, vent log time. i dont really have much to report on tbh. tw for kinda gross discussion of purging.

ive lost 20 pounds since my first vent log. sw 200. i know its a lot but when i saw the number something snapped im not sure why. ive had an eating disorder for a while but my bulimia has absolutely never been this bad or constant. i just couldnt believe i was MORE THAN 200 POUNDS. so yeah i got disgusted. now im at like 183 it fluctuates but im securely in the low 180s now.

i have eaten literally nothing of note lately.

yesterday i ate a whole box of kraft macaroni, half in the afternoon and the rest at night. ive been having a lot of trouble with pasta, not just macaroni but ramen too. for some reason it wouldnt come up. realised it was probably because i wasnt chewing enough so ive been really focusing on breaking down the food and drinking more liquids with it.

i know a lot of ed people will cut their food into small pieces and chew a certain amount of times but that just wont work with me. i time myself everytime i eat a meal so i’ll know how long the foods been sitting before i purge. i tend to eat quickly bc i like to let my stomach acid break down the food at least a little so it comes up faster.

but yeah. ate all the macaroni, and some mcdonalds fries.

to be completely honest i dont know what i ate the day before last, i have a really really bad memory sorry.

but today, i ate half a box of chinese food, jalapeno chicken with fried rice and chow mein. just right now i ate two pieces of ROCK HARD costco pizza (microwaved too long waiting for everyone to vacate the bathroom so i could purge instantly), a sprite, and a klondike ice cream sandwich. all purged to the best of my ability.

the pizza was genuinely super hard so it took me longer than expected to eat it. I was supposed to finish the meal in 15 minutes then purge it all but it ended up taking like 25 minutes. I finished everything in 20 but gave myself an extra 5 so the food will break down slightly.

I know a lot of people will just take however long they need to eat all the food then wait some time but that just makes me feel really really anxious. A lot of my food tends to come up in weird forms, like i’ll have just a bunch of liquidy puke alongside full pieces of pasta because some of my food is purged after 15 minutes and some after like 3. i dunno.

all ive been doing really is drinking soda to fill my stomach, its satisfying, filling, and its a liquid which i usually dont feel the need to purge if its on its own. it is working, maybe not the healthiest but its not like im drinking 10 cans a day. i’ll have a soda with every meal, so maybe 1 or 2 a day from that, which i purge anyway. then throughout the day i’ll have maybe another 2. so 400 something calories absolutely MAX.

im sorry if these are a bit more incoherent lately, i genuinely do have an awful memory and since these are farther apart and i dont food log daily i usually just cant remember what i eat. im aware quite literally 0 people read this but it helps a surprising amount.

1 note · View note

nofoodclub · 2 years

Text

Here's to manefesting good vibes and a future where i get to feel that level of sexual/romantic/platonic generalized bliss with J again, normally experiences like that esp first time are quite awkward at least from my perspective, but all of that felt like it happened exactly as the universe intended l. Nothing was rushed nothing was pushed it just happened. And really, the way he held me initially....i felt so safe. Everything just felt right. That moment confirmed what I had already suspected, that it was more than just sex, but i knew there wouldn't be any more confirmation than the connection i knew we both felt. Hes had his time doing risky shit and unfortunately i fit solidly into the category of extremely risky shit for him. I wish it wasnt this way, but this is the hand i was dealt and i gotta figure out how to make it work for me somehow. Massive depression most likely will ensue. Fuck its already starting. I need to stop. All i want is to sabotage. I want to text j and let myself get more into the place of wanting to destroy everything good, every chance i could possibly have at being better than this because why? Why should i have to carenso much? My life is supposed to be so great then why do i feel like the walls are caving in on me? Why do i feel like i cant or at least really dont want to exist without the external validation or people who i assign false importance to. I miss no one knowing. I miss my shit show of my own creation only catered to my own enjoyments. I miss drugs, i miss my friends, i miss stupidity, i miss near death so so so very much. I miss having the excuse of oh no no one knew shes just gone in an instant... that's all over now. Why did i ever give someone else so much power in my life? He took the first sign that i could figure out how to be ok without him and went and caved in my false sense of security. He took away a relationship that i improperly valued, but it still had a lot of significance to me and threatened his safety. I miss my friend so much. I miss the shitty parts of him, i miss his smell, his voice, the stupid way he plays with the kitties, i miss him. Relationships that evolve that quickly for me usualy come crashing down violently...i had no warning, no closure, it was just over. Done and gone like my addiction was something thats so easy to leave behind and never look back at all the the social lubrication it did, at all the times it made the loneliness not feel quite so bad, at all the times it stopped the big violent crashing wave of depression that is hitting home right about now from taking hold so many times previously. Thats all i want in life, is to get rid of this wave thats constantly over me pushing me down...or at least learn how to not care about it so much. Im already as low as can go, theres no depression limbo lower than this right here without being flat on my back, so i might as well try it right? Whats the harm in an i miss you text? Whats the worst that could happen anyways? I would get confirmation on my ground level status, or best case i would get to not be alone tonight. I am so tired of being alone. Fuck why cant i just hit send. Im already so low how much more could the sting of one tiny rejection really hurt? Probably enough to make me draw blood. Thats whats getting triggered rn. Its always just replacing one addiction with the other. These are pretty evenly matched. Scars or drugs....at least the drugs make me feel good longer. But blood is much cheaper, easier to come by, easier to conceal. Decisions, decisions....i guess that text will decide my fate....ill send it when i get home. Or maybe in the car. Or maybe never. Idk how low im feeeling yet. Its all still too numb. Dont want to feel it yet, or really ever. Itll be too much, itll consume me. Maybe thats what ive been waiting for? Still 25, still within my threshold of acceptance for the decision to end all other decisions. I want to. Im sonl tired of feeling like this all the time shit is exhausting. Thats why i miss j. He helped me see the light literally in the dark

Blood it is.

#sidebar in the tags mid ulta...i need to either not do this to this extent or get better at the anxious feelings #theres over $100 of shit in my jacket lmao hitting here 2 days in a row is v messy but like i know nothings gonna happen to me from this so #going for it with my $8 purchase to possibly ease suspicions lmao

1 note · View note

xoxo-teddybear · 3 years

Text

What Have I Done? - Bakugou Katsuki

Bakugou x f!reader

Warnings: Angst, Physical injuries, cursing

Summary: An argument gone out of hand. Y/N just wanted Katsuki to be home more. They’re married and yet she barely sees him throughout the week. When she finally speaks on her hurt feelings, she gets a reaction she definitely wasn’t expecting.

Chapter 1 -> Chapter 2

A/N:.....I cried while writing this.

BAKUGOU’S MASTERLIST

‘He’s gone already. Again. Like always.’

Y/N had awoken to another empty bed. Her husband’s side of the mattress remained cold and empty. This wasn’t anything new. It’s been like this for the past few months. She would wake up alone, eat breakfast alone, spend her day alone, eat dinner alone, and go back to sleep at the end of the day...alone.

It’s not that Katsuki is intentionally ignoring Y/N. He loves her with his everything, he truly does! But villains never rest and neither does he. He’s so preoccupied with hero work that when he does get a day off, his friends drag him away to a bar or game night. Y/N always ran through his head but she had always been so understanding. And besides, she knows how busy the life of a pro is. She used to be one so she gets it. Right?

Wrong. She doesn’t get it. Because even when she was a pro, her and Katsuki always found time for each other. And ever since said man made her quit, claiming he could take care of both of them easily and he would feel better knowing his beloved is safe at home, they’ve seen each other less and less. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Y/N was willing to quit her dream because she found a new dream in Katsuki. She always imagined that being his little housewife would give them more time together but the opposite of that came true. Now she sits in the big empty house with no company for hours on end.

Her sadness builds up every day. She misses her husband. She tries to be an understanding wife but at this point, it’s like he’s not even trying to make an effort to see her. It’s like he’s settled to just coming home to her sleeping form and waking up to her in the exact same state, leaving before he can witness her do anything else. He should understand her though, no? I mean, she had brought it up to him in a very casual way and so he never took it seriously, but she’s mentioned it before. He should have a pretty vivid image of how shes been feeling. Right?

After 6 months of loneliness and being ‘Katsuki-deprived,’ Y/N made her move to speak to her husband about her feelings. She already imagined the outcome. An argument due to Katsuki’s brash behavior and her ‘never back down’ attitude, sad times bringing in the silent treatment for the two of you up until the both of you give in and forgive each other due to the love you have. Finally ending in a compromise. Y/N released a heavy breath as she looked at the time.

1:36 a.m. Just a few more minutes until Katsuki’s home.

—

He was pissed. 3 large scale bank robberies, 10 villain-wannabe fights, an argument with his publicist about his ‘out of line attitude,’ and Deku replacing him on a random ass billboard. The last detail wouldn’t have mattered if it was anybody else but the fact that it was Deku had him riled up. He just wanted to go home to a quiet house with his beautiful wife and admire her gorgeous, slumbering state. However that was not what he was greeted with.

Katsuki grumbled as he unlocked the front door and walked in. He noticed the lights were still on and saw Y/N still awake, seated on the couch. On any other day, he’d be elated to see his wife was still up. They’d talk and cuddle and go to sleep together. If he was lucky, they’d both make love until the sun rose. But tonight, that wouldn’t be happening. He wanted a quiet house with his sleeping wife. Not..whatever was about to happen. He sighed as he dropped his bag at the front door and sloppily placed his keys in the glass bowl near the door.

“What’re you doing up dumbass?” He asked as he walked to the kitchen, not even bothering to take off his shoes. He needed a drink.

“I was waiting for you, Katsuki. I just wanted to talk to you about something,” you said in a soft voice, hoping it would suppress his for sure incoming anger. Katsuki closed the fridge with a kick to the heavy door and chugged down a quarter of his drink.

“I’m not in the mood. Had a shitty day and I wanna sleep. Just go to bed.” He said sternly while trying to finish his beer as fast as he could.

“Don’t you think I would’ve done that hours ago? I wouldn’t have stayed up and waited for you if this wasn’t important. Please Katsuki, I really wanna talk.” Bakugou was beginning to grow annoyed. Why wouldn’t you just drop it already? He squeezed his bottle hard enough for it too crack before he spoke with a louder voice.

“Y/N! You’re not listening! I’m tired. I had a horrible day and I just want to sleep. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to stay up anymore, and I don’t want to listen to whatever bullshit you’re about to complain and bitch about like you always do!” He screamed. His words made your jaw drop.

“Not listening?! That’s all I do! All I do is listen to your every command so that you come home happy-“

“Well it looks like you failed today!” He said, cutting you off.

“Quit interrupting! And what was it that you said?! All I do is bitch and complain?! I’m trying to talk to you about something serious here Katsuki!” You pleaded, still hoping he would give in and listen. And he did...just not in the way you’d expect.

“Fine then! If this’ll get you to quit being an annoying ass waste of time, then speak! Talk! What the hell do you want?!” He asked, screaming at you, furious at all the dramatics you’ve brought up in one night.

His words kind of stung. ‘Annoying ass? Waste of time? Is this what he thinks I am?’ You grew silent at his insults and Katsuki seethed even more.

“Oh what? I scream at you and you bitch up? Toughen up Y/N, jeez. Quit acting like a baby! Tell me what you wanted to say!” He yelled.

“.......I just....I just wanted you to spend some time with me. .....Be home more.” You said in a quiet and broken voice. You looked down to the now very interesting floor as you played with your hands.

“Seriously? This shit again? I’m a pro-hero, Y/N! I’m busy! I’m not gonna drop saving lives just because your brat ass wants someone to notice you! Since when were you such an attention whore?” He asked while rolling his neck to relieve his strained muscles. Your eyes widen at the ground due to his words and your head snapped back up to face him.

“A-attention whore? I-...I just want my husband to stop working so much. I don’t know..maybe have a day off or two!” She said with a crinkled nose as you screamed.

“I do have days off, Moron. It’s why I’m not overworked, ever thought about that?!” He screamed back.

“And you spend those days off away from me! I’m not trying to act like the world revolves around me but I would hope my own husband would spend a day with me instead of his friends that he ALWAYS sees because you ALL WORK TOGETHER!” You argued. You made a valid point and even Katsuki knew that, but he was too stubborn to admit defeat. He was still tired but he had enough energy to put you back in your place. His eyes popped as a vein grew on his neck.

“Well- WELL YOU’RE ONCE AGAIN JUST BITCHING AND COMPLAINING LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO! I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU’RE SO UPSET!” He screamed.

“Don’t understand?! You know what? I know you don’t because you never listen to-“

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, I WASNT DONE TALKING! ALL YOU DO IS SIT AROUND THE HOUSE, LAZING AROUND, DOING NOTHING BUT TRY TO ARGUE WITH-“

“LAZING AROUND?!” You shouted in disbelief. “WHO MAKES YOUR MEAL PREP THE NIGHT BEFORE SO YOU CAN ENJOY IT AT WORK AND IN THE MORNING? WHO CLEANS THE ENTIRE HOUSE EVERYDAY WHILE YOU’RE GONE? WHO MAKES SURE YOU HAVE A FULL FRIDGE, CLEAN HOUSE, GOOD FOOD, AND A HAPPY LIFE? ME KATSUKI! ME!”

“Happy life? DO I LOOK HAPPY TO YOU BITCH?! NEWSFLASH, IM NOT! SO CONGRATS Y/N! YOU FAILED ONCE AGAIN! AND WHO GIVES A FUCK IF YOU PLAY MAID WHILE IM AWAY?! IM BUSY SAVING THE FUCKING WORLD! THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS BE A GOOD WIFE SINCE YOU CANT EVEN BE A FUCKING PRO ANYMORE!” He insulted again.

“because of FUCKING YOU!” You argued once more.

“I DID IT FOR YOU!” He said while throwing his bottle to the wall, causing it to shatter. “I DO EVERYTHING FOR YOUR UNGRATEFUL BITCH ASS! I PAY THE BILLS! I BRING HOME THE CASH! I GIVE YOU THE MONEY TO BUY ALL THE FUCKING FOOD, CLOTHES, AND ANY OTHER STUPID SHIT YOU WANT! AND ON TOP OF THAT, I STUFF YOUR STUPID CUNT TO PLEASURE YOUR UNGRATEFUL ASS. AT THIS POINT, YOU’RE JUST A WALKING HOLE FOR ME TO USE!”

His words hurt. They broke your heart. Did he really feel this way? If so, why was he even with you anymore. You notice a smirk grow on his face at your bewildered state. He looked as if he just won something. However, the smirk dropped into a scowl once he saw your eyes begin to pool with tears.

“Oh great! Cry! Go ahead! Just shed your fucking tears like you always do! I’m going to bed! Come join me when you’re done being an annoying bitch.” He said and stuffed his hands in his pockets as he began to walk away. You didn’t want the conversation to go this way and there was no conclusion. You needed this to be resolved now. You just wanted your husband back. You reached out to stop him from walking but the unforeseen happened.

“Katsuki..don’t walk away from thi-“

“DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME!” He said and smacked your arms away with a burning palm. Without realizing, Katsuki began to spark his quirk and so when he went in to push you away, he burned your forearm.

A loud blast and smoke filled the room and your screams of pain invaded his ears. The sound made a shocked face grow on him as he quickly turned to see the damaged he had caused. His heart sank as he saw you crying while holding your burnt arm with your other hand. You were slightly hunched over in pain as you took notice of the damage that had been caused. That he caused.

“Y/N!” Bakugou softly shouted as he ran to you. He wanted to help but before he could even lay a finger on you, you flinched. The action caused him to hesitate and hold himself back. He ran to the kitchen sink to get a cold rag and he brought it back to you. “Baby! I am so sor-“

You pushed him away and off of you as you quickly walked to your bedroom with a shadow casted over your eyes. Tears still flowed down your cheeks as sniffles could be heard from your cherry red nose. Katsuki couldn’t believe what he just did and ran to follow you.

“Y/N! Please listen! I didn’t mean it! I don’t know how that happened Teddy Bear but I swear I didn’t mean it! I swear I didn’t mean any of the bullshit I said! I’m sor-“

*SLAM* *click!*

Katsuki realized he followed you out the kitchen, through the living room, up the stairs, and to the entrance of the master bedroom you both shared before you slammed the door and locked it right in his face.

“Baby! Please open the door!” He said while knocking in a very rushed manner. He wanted nothing more than to help you and treat the damage he caused to his beloved wife. He had royally fucked up. He began turning and jiggling the locked knob in an attempt to get it open but failed. “Please Y/N! I have to take care of you and that burn. I’m so sorry but please let me in!”

On the other side of the door, you pressed your back against it as you held in your sobs and slid to the bottom. You pulled both lips in to conceal your voice while you held your wrist to examine the burn on your arm. It was so bad. Your skin turned an angry shade of red as it blistered and bled. You were dripping blood all over your carpeted floor and so you ran to the master bathroom in the bed room.

You turned on the sink and placed your forearm under the cold, running water. The water soothed it a bit but it wasn’t enough to cover the pain. You turned off the sink and grabbed a hand rag as you patted down on your wound. You took out the first aid kit and cared for yourself. You had to take the alcohol to clean it and sucked in a breath before you poured the solution over the burn. You screamed as it seemed to have hurt 10x more. After dabbing cotton over it, you wrapped it in bandages and took a breath of relief.

‘What just happened?’ You thought to yourself.

The entire time, Katsuki was still begging for you to open up. He heard your scream and grew frantic. He banged on the door and cried for you, still hoping, praying, that you would let him in. When nothing happened, he resorted back to calling out for you but to no avail.

About an hour went by and it was almost 4 in the morning. You sat on the bed with your arms holding your knees to your chest. You stared at the wrap as the memories of what went down tonight flashed through your brain.

‘Waste of time...brat ass...attention whore...ungrateful...annoying bitch.’

His words struck you right in your heart. Cruel thoughts began to fill your head.

‘He doesn’t love me. He hates me. I’m worthless.’ Your thoughts would’ve continued until a quiet knock snapped you out of you mind.

“....Y/N?...Baby?” It was Katsuki of course, but a softer version of him. A broken one. “..I don’t know if you’re listening or if you’re awake..but I need you to know that I’m so so sorry.” It was easy to hear his muffled and staggered voice that exposed his tears and sobs. “If I could turn back time right now, I would do tonight all over again, I swear. I would’ve came home and listened to you. And we could’ve talked things out. We would’ve came out of this problem being a stronger couple than we were before...because that’s what we always do. We always make it out of the dark together..because we’re a team..and I need you. .....Please...please don’t leave me Y/N. I love you so much. ‘M so sorry that I hurt you..that I burned you..that I’m such a terrible husband. But I promise you I’ll fix everything in the morning...................Teddy Bear?”

He didn’t know it, but you were listening. You heard every word but refrained from speaking. You knew that the second you did, you’d break down and go crawling back to him....but you didn’t want to do that. You wanted to leave. He physically burned you and you wanted to leave. You were going to sleep for a few hours, and when you would awaken, you would pack a bag and leave. And so, you began your plan and tried to get some sleep as tear streaks marked your face. It would all be over soon.

You woke up to the morning sun.

6:50 a.m.

You rose out of bed and rubbed at your puffy eyes. You quietly got ready in the bathroom and applied the slightest bit of makeup to look more presentable. You took out a pair of shoes and tossed them to the center of the room. You were in your closet and pulled out a bag. You stuffed it full of a few clothes for you to wear, you couldn’t stay here. Not after what he did. You fought through the pain as you pulled on your jacket and placed your shoes on. You wiped your tears as you picked up your purse and got ready to leave. You were going to stay in a hotel. Didnt matter where or how expensive. You just needed to get away.

Finally, you walked to the exit of the bedroom. You took a breath before you slowly turned the knob and was greeted with the sight of a sleeping Bakugou. He had slept in the hallway in front of the bedroom, still wearing the same clothes from the night before. His knees were scrunched up with his arms resting there to be used as a pillow. He layed his head atop of his arms and as you looked down into his hands, you saw the rag. The exact rag from the argument. The rag that he attempted to use to help you. Little did you know, Bakugou hadn’t planned on getting rid of it until you let him use it to help you. He wanted nothing more than to fix his mistake and cater to you and your wound.

You shook your head as you felt tears began to fill your eyes but you refused to let them fall. You took a step and sadly awoken the exact man you were trying to avoid. Bakugou had quickly woken up when he heard the slightest noise and was blessed with the beauty that is you. He looked up at you with wide eyes and a small smile.

“Y/N...” was what he whispered before he quickly got up to run to you.

“Y/N!” He ecstatically said with a hint of relief. He was about to wrap him arms around you but you kept a hand at his chest to keep him at bay. “Baby?...”

Bakugou looked at you with hurt and confused eyes when you didn’t welcome his embrace. Even when you were mad at him, you still allowed him to hold you so what gives? He looked at you and your attire. He noticed your jacket and shoes and saw you holding a bag. “W-what are you doing?”

You walked away from him but he snatched your wrist to make you turn to face him. “Y/N! What’s going on?!” He frantically asked with crazed eyes. You snatched your wrist back and ran down the stairs and he copied your actions. He followed you into the living room until he grabbed your wrist once more. You tried to pull away again but found it harder because this time, he gripped it tight.

“W-where are you going baby?”

“Dont call me that.”

“What? Why? Baby, please tell me what’s going on.” He begged as he squeezed your wrist.

“What’s going on? Are you serious? What does it look like? I’m leaving!” Bakugou’s eyes went wide once more and shook his head.

“N-no! No, why!?”

“Why?! Look at my arm!” You screamed.

“I know! I know and I’m so sorry! But..but you don’t have to go! I can fix you up, I’ll take you to recovery girl, I will bring you to the best hospitals around the world to fix that for you! Just please don’t go!” He bargained and offered everything but you weren’t budging.

“It’s not just the burn Bakugou.” You deadpanned with a nonchalant face. His heart felt heavy after hearing your voice refer to him with his family name.

“..I-it’s Katsuki! Your Katsuki! It’s Suki, baby please!” Bakugou stepped closer as he cried once more but you backed away again. His hold on your wrist still strong as his fingers played with the ring on your hand, trying to calm himself down and remind himself that you are still his wife.

You shook your head at his pleading. “Bakugou. You burned me. But not only that, you’ve neglected me for months.”

“I know that! And I’m sorry! I will spend just as much time off of work to make it up to you, I swear I will, I promise!” He once again bargained.

“It’s too late.”

“No it’s not, please, it can’t be!”

“It is Bakugou-“

“KATSUKI! ....please...please don’t call me that. I’m your Katsuki,” he said with a whimpering voice. At this point you felt the tears come through, but you still didn’t allow them to fall.

“Katsuki...I can’t stay here. Too much damage has been done.” You said with a soft voice. Bakugou continued to shake his head ‘no,’ but you already made up your mind. You used your wind quirk in your hand and blew his grip off your wrist. You took the quick opportunity to walk to the door but Bakugou grabbed your bag off your shoulder in a childish panic and attempt to get you to stay.

“Hey!-“

“Please Y-Y/N! Please don’t leave me! I- I know I’ve been a terrible husband! I’m sorry! B-But I promise I’ll do better. I’ll stay at home more, I’ll spend more time with you, Please!”

“Katsu-“

“I’ll buy you whatever you want! I’ll get you all the expensive brands, I’ll find you all the best jewelry, I’ll give you all the money in the world! I’ll give you the whole world! Please stay! I love you so much Y/N!”

“Katsuki, give me back my bag,” you tried to reach for it but Bakugou kept it away from you and pulled you in with one arm and held you in a tight embrace as he cried on your shoulder.

“Please...you can’t do this to me. I need you. I love you! I’ll do better! I’ll be a better husband, I swear..just please don’t go.” He softly spoke with a broken voice and soft hiccups. It was wrong for you to do this, but you sighed and pretended to forgive him as you wrapped your arms around his torso. You hugged him tight and he fell for it as he openly sobbed now. His other arm that held your bag came to wrap around your waist but before it could, you snatched the bag out of his hold and pushed him away. You ran to the door and held a tight grip on the knob as you picked up your car keys. You saw Katsuki attempt to run back to you but you created a strong barrier of wind to protect you. “IM SORRY Y/N! PLEASE DONT!”

You took off your ring and tossed it to him through the barrier. He was quick to catch it and hold it right in fear of losing it. He had to find a way to get it back on your finger. “No..baby...Teddy Bear please!”

“....I’ll send you the divorce papers....Goodbye Katsuki.”

With that, you walked out of the door, still keeping the barrier alive. Once you started the car, you dispersed of the wind and Bakugou opened the door and ran to your car.

“Y/N wait! Please!” He cried out but he was too late. You pulled out of the driveway and drove off quickly down the street. He watched your car go as he began hyperventilating and tugging at his ash blonde locks. He ran back inside the house with your ring in hand as he looked for his phone. He found it on the kitchen island and quickly dialed your number. Of course, it went straight to voicemail but that didn’t stop him from calling about 50x more.

“This-...this has to be some stupid dream. A fucking nightmare...” he said as he tried to hide in denial. “Yeah...a nightmare. This is what it is...I’ll..I’ll wake up soon and she’ll be by my side in the morning...sleeping peacefully...and I’ll take the whole week off and spend it with her. She won’t be mad, we’ll be happy like we always are. S-She won’t leave me.”

Bakugou had an insane smile on his face with eyes of distraught on him. He clumsily made his way back to his bedroom where he flopped onto the large mattress and tried to get some sleep. He would sleep the whole day away if it meant you’d still be by his side when he woke up. The ring you abandoned was held tight in the palm of his hand as he held it close to his chest. His sobs overcame him but did aid in his journey to slumber. Eventually, he knocked out and a smile of bliss adorned his face as he assumed you would still be there in the morning.....oh how wrong he was.

The very next day, he woke up at 5:30 like he always did and quickly looked to your side of the bed. It was cold and empty. He was lonely. The exact same feeling you got everytime you woke up without seeing him for the past 6 months.

6 months. You’ve been married for 4 years and together for 8. Out of those 8 years, Bakugou spent 6 months neglecting you..and now...he lost you.

He stared at the empty space and bawled his eyes out like a baby as he screamed. He got out of bed and walked to the kitchen. Maybe you were cooking breakfast! You weren’t. Kitchen was empty. He ran to the living room! Maybe you were just watching some TV and reading a book, looking all cute and domesticated like you usually did. No, you weren’t there either. Bakugou checked every room in the house and when he couldn’t find you..he snapped.

His heart beated at a rapid pace as he trashed the entire house. Breaking windows, flipping desks, smashing furniture. He used his quirk to create blasts and burn marks into the walls and floors of the house. He did everything to get his frustrations out. The entire time he shouted and cried as rivers of tears flowed down his cheeks.

When he was done, he sat in the middle of the destroyed living room, laying his back against the flipped couch. He sat with his knees scrunched up as he hunched over, staring at the ground. His nose and eyes and basically his entire face grew puffy and red. His hair was a mess and so was he. Silent tears continued to drop, but his throat was too dry and hurt far too much for him to make anymore noise. However, he did fight through the pain to say one final thing:

“What have I done?”

A/N: hi cubsss! So a lot of you may know that my very first post, writing piece, and short story (He’s Lost) was created around angst, a breakup, and the fact that the triggering point was Bakugou physically hurting Y/N. I’ve been thinking about it and I HATE MY WRITING IN THE FIRST POST! It was terrible! Why tf did y’all like it so much?😭 And so, I’ve created a new piece revolving around the same elements, sorta as a way to check my progress. I hope you enjoyed!

ALSO!!! If you guys like this enough, I’m willing to turn it into a small yandere short story if you Cubs are down for that. Let me know and I’ll make it happen! Love you Cubs! See you next time🧸💗

3K notes · View notes

cynettic · 3 years

Text

Stay with Me pt.3

Summary - You manage to escape from Scaramouche, if only for a moment before you realize there’s no escape. It only takes until you’re sitting back in your regular spot that you know what you need to do.

Pairings - Kitsune!Reader x Yan!Scaramouche

Warnings - Suggestive content, mentions of death, swearing, slight gore / blood

A/N - Its really hard to make this depressing while I’m vibing to Rasputin. Like no joke- I have it on one of the 1 hour playlists :D

Here you’ll find - pt.1 and pt.2

He’d left a key.

Scaramouche didnt make mistakes, not while he had you captive in the vicinity of his bedroom. He didnt have room for mistakes, not when you were watching his every movement while he was in your line of sight.

Sure, he mightve killed a person or two in front of you, but those were necessary mistakes. There was a sign on the door, it specified not to enter. You’d understand that, right?

Thats what he thought at least, lulling himself into belief after belief that you’d be there waiting for him every time. That you’d welcome him with open arms, even if there were chains ensnaring your wrists. That you’d accept your fate at his hands and submit yourself to him.

The Balladeer was a fool.

He’d kept you there for too long, and while you searched for an easy way to escape, time sent your head spinning. Into a spiral that begged only for the wind against your face, back laying on dirt with the familiar chirping up birds waking you up in the morning.

You wanted to go outside.

And when push comes to shove, you had to risk a little more to make it happen. Lure him into bed with kisses while your hands unbuttoned his vest. But what he believed to be alluring contacts was just your way of finding the keys hidden in the back pocket of his shorts.

It wasnt hard to find the one to your cuffs while he was asleep, cuddled in your chest with both arms around your waist as if to get you to stay put. You took the key, hiding them back in his clothing and hoping he didnt notice.

He didnt say anything the next day.

You werent going to wait any longer.

“Oh for fucks sake, why won't the goddamn door open?”

The room was left in tatters behind you, a little gift for Scaramouche once he got back. Turns out a pair of chains can smash up a lot of things, and rage can be used as a great source of strength when contained for such a long time.

But you’d done more than throw the blankets around, cut up the drawers and smash open the windows. Because your fists had bled red when you punched through the glass, puncturing your skin. Your knuckles were an ugly red, bruising already.

Ah, Scaramouche deserved a much better gift.

Gruesome as it was, you rubbed your knuckles against the pale walls. Till the blood stopped coming, till there was a nice little message for the boy which you held so dearly to your heart.

‘Balladeer.’

The first time you’d found out about him being a harbinger he’d told you not to call him by that name. You weren’t someone he associated with by work, you were a treasure to him. That’s why you continued to call him as he pleased, although the temptation always arose.

You were no longer his.

Shoving the door with your hand again, palm fiddling with the handle and groaning when it hardly budged. “Stupid,” you grumbled when the knob began to loosen. Backing up, you charged with your shoulder to the door, full force as the momentum broke the hinges. The door fell down with you along with it.

It was expected, you’d been stuck in the room for a long time, and thats considering you’d sat on the ground for decades. Your body was slight numb, muscles sore and unused for so long.

“You a-arent supposed to leave your room!”

A young man stood in the hallway along with a woman who looked relatively the same age. The two were wearing uniforms, flinching when you stood up from the debris and off the door. “Excuse me?” You asked, voice unnecessarily icy and stern. But you couldnt care less, you were going to get out of this house, damn anyone who stood in your way.

They both continued to shake when you walked towards them, staggering from side to side. The woman stepped up in front of the man, presenting a brave face. “If you leave the mansion, the harbinger will kill us all!”

“Well then I expect you should be on your way then. Actually…” you gestured to the maze of hallways. “You can lead the way.”

“What…?”

Your hand went limp to your side, an exasperated looking momentarily crossing your face before you sighed. “Im not staying trapped in that room, I’m sorry if that ruins your life, but frankly you're not the one stuck in there are you?” You took an extra step just to intimidate them, eyes wide to make the appearance of crazy. “It would be a great help if you showed me where he hid my vision too.”

“We can show you to the door…” The man began, “But the whereabouts of your vision are unknown, he wouldnt tell us something like that.”

A gift bestowed from the gods, a piece to help me thrive with my ambitions and pursue my goals.

Gone.

You really wished you’d taken to clawing out Scaramouche’s face instead, but you’d take what you got. Right now your main priority was getting out of this place, even if it meant leaving a piece of you behind.

“Door.” Your voice was raspy and there was a terrible feeling that crawled up to your throat, but you didnt have time to be emotional. “Show me where the door is… please.”

The conflict in their eyes dissipates by the time they lead you along, mumbling words between themselves. You didnt bother to try eavesdropping, you were so, so tired. You wanted to go home.

Anywhere. Anywhere but here.

It took a few minutes until you were standing in front of a grand door, almost twice the size of you and just as wide. You then began to notice the decorational plants and furniture that filled the empty space, there wasn't an inch of dust. Even though you could tell none of it was used.

“Hurry,” the man warned when you paused. “I dont know when our master is coming back, but if its soon, we’ll all be screwed.”

You couldnt feel your head as you numbly nodded, hand clenching the knob and flinging the set of doors open. “Thank you,” you merely mumbled, taking your first step out of the house in what felt like forever.

The days after that were a blur, the area around Scaramouche’s house were nothing but void. Empty and filled with forests and vast plains. You knew he didnt like people or socializing in general, but to this extent?

Your only option was to run.

Let your feet take you somewhere, anywhere. It was a constant pattern of running and taking breaks, leaning on a tree and gasping in a few breaths before you were again scurrying through the forest.

And yet you felt better than you’d felt in past months that you’d been stuck with Scaramouche.

Food became any boar you came across, the claws you’d spent so long hiding with Scaramouche coming to unleash a wrath beyond your comprehension. Till the animal was cut to shreds and no meat was left even to eat. You’d slaughtered it, without intention to eat or benefit for it, you’d killed it just to kill.

“I’m sorry,” you’d sobbed into the ground where you’d buried the harmless animal. Forehead pressed into the dirt as you pleaded for forgiveness to whatever archons would accept it. You couldn't even remember what archons you were supposed to pray to. “Forgive me- forgive me…”

But eventually you found your way around to somewhere you knew. Territory of Inazuma where you could find your way back, back home.

Where was home?

You’d been on the run from the vision hunt decree, abandoning your post for the Kitsune Saiguu for such a thing. Even now that you could return without a vision and as no threat under the decree…

You’d sacrificed everything for your vision.

Where were you to go now…?

Rain patted down, the trees providing only a slight cover as stray drops fell into your matted dirty hair. You didnt mind, it hid the tears that slid down your lifeless face, feet taking you into the far meadows of your hometown. Till you plopped down underneath a tree, knees curled to your chest and arms hugging them close. You were crying.

You were home.

____________________

“Awh,” a ginger haired murmured, elbow resting on the cool wood of the tabletop. “Is little Mouchie sad? I heard your kitty cat escaped~”

A death wish, even fatui that idly minded themselves around the bar knew it. Sipping cold drinks and swirling their cups, the soft chatter was nothing but a distraction from the main course of events. That being the smaller Harbinger who sat sulking in his seat, hunched over with a drink in hand. He’d drank far more than what was on the counter, but everytime he finished a glass, he’d smash it on the ground, watching the fragile glass shatter into pieces.

“I dont have a cat,'' was his only response, tone daring Childe to pursue further. To give him a reason to start throwing the glass in his face instead.

And Childe was an idiot when it came to challenging someone.

“No cat?” The rest of the drink in the taller harbinger’s glass was gone when he threw his head back. “Hmmm, I cant think of what else could’ve had you so enraptured in returning home then~!”

Scaramouche didnt respond, uneven bangs shadowing the bags under his eyes. “Stronger,” he said instead, elbow on the counter and hand outstretched for something. When there was no movement from the man managing the wine, the harbinger looked up. “I need something stronger to drink,” he repeated, voice seething.

“Of c-course!”

The glass was nestled in Scaramouche’s palm in no time, fingers curling around the circular form to down it in seconds. The drink merely slid down his throat in one movement, alcohol burning his senses. It didn’t matter, he was numbed by the growing rage inside of him.

Finally, he turned to the ginger haired boy, eyes hazily dancing along the counter till it reached his fingertips. Up his hand and along his arm, till Scaramouche was staring right into Childe’s eyes. “They escaped,” he admitted softly. “But it’s alright, because I sent something that’ll bring them back.”

Childe paused, raising his drink up away from his lips to pose a question. Hesitation danced along his features before he brought the glass back, he’d rather not provoke the shorter male any further. Wasn’t like he could interfere anyway.

____________________

“That… that…”

It was preposterous, having returned to that same spot for a day or two and heading back to the hometown you’d once lived in. The one Scaramouche had lived in. There shouldn’t have been an issue, you were solely gathering supplies for the sake of it, ambition driving you to travel far far away.

Out of Inazuma.

It was your new beginning, convincing yourself that you didn't need a vision. Finding some sort of purpose before Scaramouche shattered the vision and your life along with it. You’d seen how people had reacted when it had been ingrained in the statue, neutralized and broken. They lost hope, purpose and aspirations for anything new.

It’s not like the Raiden Shogun took my vision.

But you’d taken that fact for granted, expecting some sort of new start without Scaramouche. A victory, getting away from him just for a split second and getting out of Inazuma altogether, you’d never see him again.

Until you got his message.

“How the hell…” You crushed the note until it was just crumbled paper in your hand, slowly leaning on the stone wall. “Piece of shit… what kind of person even…”

Not only did he manage to find you, but without making his presence known, he’d tugged at your one weakness with an ease that had you down on your knees.

You threw the paper to the ground, deliberate as you stared past the alleyway. Pensive as you considered your options. Damn, what options did you even have? You’d been an idiot to underestimate Scaramouche, he wasn’t a child, you knew that… but archons he seemed like one when he was with you. Shown you a vulnerability he wanted only you to see. But maybe that had been part of his plan all along, until all you believed was his soft demeanor.

He may act like a child, but he’s a harbinger.

You stared down at the crumbled piece of paper in disgust.

Not only that, but he has no regard for human life.

Either way, you’d lived decades more than him. You could face him, you would present yourself to him just as he expected you to. Even when everything in you rejected the idea, sobbed at the thought of returning to that house, those chains. Being locked up and confined only for the purpose of coddling a small boy, a selfish boy, a cruel boy.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

You’d figure out a way, and this time you wouldn’t rule out the option of his death.

———————

Oh darling Y/n, how have you been?

I hope this letter reaches you rather soon, we both have much to discuss, no? About me, about you, and much more. You see, I’ve taken up quite a distaste to your little friends. Stone statues in Inazuma as small as Kitsunes truly hold no purpose, what will they do, come back to life? Haha, I should think not. I’ve already arranged to have them demolished, who knows what kind of material they might possess. Ah, and of course I’d show you the finishing product, unless you’re willing to come and have a chat with me once more? Under the Sakura tree like we used to, you’ve waited years, I believe you can wait for me?

I hope this letter reaches you in best interests. I’m always looking out for you after all.

Sincerely, your Balladeer

——————

It was raining.

Beautiful weather as you lay sitting there, feet crossed and tucked in the same you’d often do. After all, there was no need to fear the vision hunt decree or the Raiden Shogun. Let them come, let them take care of you before Scaramouche did.

You werent cold, not when the cold drops dampened your clothing, slipping down the length of your spine and drenching your face. Despite having lived in a luxury residency for such a long time, this was where you were most comfortable, enduring whatever the weather had for you, taking it with a smile. Because you were waiting…

The Kitsune Saiguu was a distant memory.

You were waiting for Scaramouche, the young boy that often bound into the field in lengthy strides, childlike wonder in his eyes. The one who’d cried when the other kids pushed him away, the one that just wanted to be praised. You’d held him in your arms, and now, even knowing the results, you wouldnt have done differently.

He was just a boy.

Just a boy when he joined the fatui, looking for praise that he was given. He created chaos and bellowed orders with a cruelty that was highly looked upon. Told that he was doing well, so he continued to do so.

He’s just a boy.

You wished you’d held him in your arms, if not only for a tad longer. Shield him away from the wrongness of the world, if only for one last time.

Banishing away your hatred for him was hard.

But you found it under the tree, rain soon dimming down to a clouded cold breeze that swept through the meadow. You’d hated him while stuck in the mansion, but you could now see it from a larger point of view. What he did was wrong of course, but you could remember him so vividly now. His small form giggling, tiny arms around your neck.

“Play with me!”

Was it your fault?

For not holding him tighter? For trying to rectify his bad doings and teach him what was wrong and right? Maybe if your grip was firmer, if you’d spoken to him about the warmth he’d given you that day when playing cards...

“Lazy ass.”

Burying down that pile of worry and insecurities, you took a deep breath in to relax. The edge of your lip perked up, only slightly. “Still terrible with your social skills arent you?”

Slowly securing a dry space under the three with you, Scaramouche sat down. His features were the same ones you’d grown accustomed to at his mansion. Rich clothes, sharp eyes, and the baby face that refused to go away. His movements were soft as he pulled out a deck of cards. The two of you didnt speak as he distributed them between you both. It was tense… no, it felt too much like the warmth form long ago to be tense. You only wished the situation to be different.

“I love you.”

But you could only offer a bitter smile to his words. “I love my vision,” you replied. “I love the Kitsune Saiguu, and I love my friends.”

His touch was gentle when his fingers came to gently cradle your cheek. Holding your face dearly as he peered into your eyes, his were soft. Different from the cruelty he held within, the hatred that burned and destruction that seeked to explode.

You saw a little boy.

Your hand came to press his hand further against your cheek, till you slid his palm to your lips. He appeared so calm when you pressed the first kiss, lips tracing the lines along his palm with all the care in the world.

But you needed to change your view, see him as the man he now was. As the man he had become.

“I love you,” he repeated, and you let go of his hand. It fell limp by his side, cards all but forgotten. There was a much more pressing matter at hand, because you truly needed to see him as he was.

It was necessary if you planned to kill him.

#genshin impact #genshin impact hc #genshin impact headcanons #genshin impact oneshots #genshin impact fanfiction #genshin scaramouche #scaramouche x reader #kitsune reader #yandere scaramouche #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #reader x scaramouche #scaramouche angst #writing #angst

782 notes · View notes

yatsugareboyf · 2 years

Note

hi :o,can i request soukoku headcanons with an adopted daughter? like, what kind of parents would they be for your daughter and how would they act in some situations? i really want to see this plss🥺

this is so cute 😭 btw (p/n) is just gonna be in place of like mom or dad just in case any of yall arent comfortable w mom/dad or any parental term and to keep this gender-neutral

nakahara chuuya and dazai osamu with an adopted daughter.

nakahara chuuya

hes so inlove. very inlove. not only w you but w his daughter :(

you probably got her when she was little, not even a year old.

her name is kian and shes currently a 3 year old introverted kid

she was orphaned at a young age because of an accident her birth parents were in:(( and you were friends w her parents and couldnt bare to give her away

"chuuya, remember my friend tht got in an accident recently?"

"yeah, what about it?"

"they left behind a kid, she's probably not even a year old. i- can we keep her?"

"what??"

probably had to think about it for a while before asking to see the child

and he fell inlove w her like omg :(

she was so small and fragile, not to mention how she smiled so brightly at chuuya when he carried her

he was silent the whole time while holding her, while kian was laughing up a storm

you let the worker in the orphanage take her back when it was time to go, and not even two steps outside chuuya went like

"let's get her today. let's just get her stuff before we go home. we're going to get her now."

and you couldn't agree more

so you came back and took baby kian with you home, driving by the mall to buy her a crib and all the othet things

OH BOY CHUUYA WENT ALL OUT GOD IDK IF HIS CARD IS EMPTY OR WHAT

almost bought the entire baby girl section.

on your first night, he refused to let kian sleep in her unbuilt nursery. so in the mean time, she slept in the middle of you and chuuya in your room.

she wasnt noisy or demanding, she was very shy and quiet which worried chuuya

"isn't.... isn't she supposed to be crying?"

"pls don't ask for it if she cries i dont know what to do"

at night she did cry a lot, probably realized that she isnt sleeping with her parents in their home anymore :(

it took a while for chuuya to calm her down, but she found comfort in chuuya and slept peacefully after that, whining whenever he had to part from her

HIS HEART IS BROKE <////3

probably swore over his dead body that he wont ever leave her side

which he know realized, after a few days, would be much harder than he thought it would

hes in the mafia, goddamnit, hes always on-call and hes gone most of the day and into the night so how the fuck will he see his daughter

he thought of bringing her with him at work but you refused, like so much it turned into an argument like

"she's going to be fine! the port mafia isn't kid-friendly but at least i'm there to protect her!"

"no fucking way, you just said it isn't kid-friendly, what if she walks in or sees something she's not supposed to see? she's gonna turn into a liability for the mafia? you are not bringing her there"

"she'll be in my office the whole time, do you think im stupid enough to let her run around a giant ass building? no"

eventually y'all settled down bcs poor kian was so confused why the both of u were yelling her name over and over 😭

you still didnt let chuuya bring her to the mafia but you also cant leave her since u have work/school too

finally, you decided it was best to let chuuya bring her, but only to have her escorted by you all the way to his office to ensure that she's in his office ONLY.

y'all couldnt hire a babysitter bcs kian alr had too many changes in her life and adding another guardian would probably overwhelm her

you worked it out and now kian is happily spoiled by his father 24/7

he wouldn't take any risky missions the first few weeks that kian was there so he wouldn't have to leave her, but once kian knew kouyou and trusted her enough, she started looking after kian whenever chuuya ran to do an errand

ofc nothing would compare to chuuya and the moment she would run to his arms when she saw him again is heartwarming

kian loves chuuya and chuuya loves kian end of story

dazai osamu

i think dazai is... indifferent with children

like, yeah they exist but he never rlly thought of having one? would he even live that long? yeah he didnt think that far

but when he met you, he almost immediately knew that you were taking care of someone at home

he wasn't sure if it was a child at first, but when you showed up one day with the sticker of a diaper on your sleeve, he deduced tht it was a baby, maybe even a toddler.

now tht u two are dating/in a relationship, you had told him abt your adopted baby boy and why u decided to adopt him

your friend loves attending events for adoption centers, retirement homes and charity events and you decided to tag along to some of them

one of them was at an adoption center where you met little baby tadashi, a baby who was abandoned by his parents because "they wanted to live their lives"

you adopted baby tadashi even if u didnt mean to adopt anyone in the first place, you couldnt seem to let go of him

dazai wasn't surprised ofc, he kinda knew alr

at first, he didnt really feel any obligation towards tadashi, like he was dating you and not your son

but the longer you two stayed together, he got to know baby tadashi and see him grow up

he didnt see tadashi that often but when he moved in, he couldn't help but watch him all the time

he felt a tiny connection with tadashi until it grew so much that he would prefer hanging out with tadashi more than going to work apparently

would take him out to the park when hes a bit older, since hes a bit energetic, or bring him to an amusement park to eat all the sugary sweets he likes and ride all the rides he sees

you were so happy to see them get along, but you always reminded dazai that he doesn't really have an obligation to take care of tadashi, since he's your child, but omg

"what do u mean? he's our child now, isn't he? he grew up with us two here with him, it'll be too confusing for tiny little tadashi to say that im not his father."

tadashi calls dazai "osa" ever since he was a baby (or how old a child can talk....) and he calls you by your nickname, never rlly by any parental terms

but when tadashi grew old enough to ask, you weren't afraid to tell him the truth, that he was adopted but you and osamu loved him very much

he didnt really mind it, but he started to try and call you by p/n and osa by dad

the first time tadashi called dazai "dad*, dazai probably cried inside ngl

"dad, can you come to my basketball game tomorrow?"

ofc he plays it off and just smiles at your son and goes "of course! what kind of dad wouldn't be at their son's basketball game?"

he hugged u for so long while tadashi was gone 😭😭

would definitely listen to every story tadashi had to tell

would to everything for your son, in general, whether it be learning to play a sport to play w him or teaching him math he never really learned or driving him to school or bringing him to play dates

he loves tadashi so much 😭 like that's the light of his life right there

probably a bit strict (?) just because he wants him to be safe

bcs of this, they probably get into arguments a lot and its just a while before one of them (or both of them at different times) come to you to tell their side of the story

but dazai is so gentle w his son and talks it out with him and in the morning they would get ice cream together just GAJFJFVJDJAJ

sigh. dazai w a son.

248 notes · View notes

shkspr · 3 years

Note

hi. on your post where you may or may not have ended on 'moffat is either your angel or your devil' did you have maybe an elaboration on that somewhere that i could possibly hear about. i'm very much a capaldi era stan and i've never tried to defend the matt smith era even though it had delightful moments sometimes so i wonder where that puts me. i'd love to hear your perspective on moffat as a person with your political perspective. -nicole

hi ok sorry i took so long to respond to this but i dont think you know how LOADED this question is for me but i am so happy to elaborate on that for you. first a few grains of salt to flavor your understanding of the whole situation: a. im unfairly biased against moffat bc im a davies stan and a tennant stan; b. i still very much enjoy and appreciate moffat era who for many reasons; and c. i hate moffat on a personal level far more than i could ever hate his work.

the thing is that its all always gonna be a bit mixed up bc i have to say a bunch of seemingly contradictory things in a row. for instance, a few moffat episodes are some of my absolute favorites of the rtd era, AND the show went way downhill when moffat took over, AND the really good episodes he wrote during the rtd era contained the seeds of his destruction.

like i made that post about the empty child/the doctor dances and it holds true for blink and thats about it bc the girl in the fireplace and silence in the library/forest of the dead are good but not nearly on the same level, and despite the fact that i like them at least nominally, they are also great examples of everything i hate about moffat and how he approached dw as a whole.

basically. doctor who is about people. there are many things about moffats tenure as showrunner that i think are a step up from rtd era who! actual gay people, for one! but i think that can likely be attributed mostly to an evolving Society as opposed to something inherent to him and his work, seeing as rtd is literally gay, and the existence of queer characters in moffats work doesnt mean the existence of good queer characters (ill give him bill but thats it!)

i have a few Primary Grievances with moffat and how he ran dw. all of them are things that got better with capaldi, but didnt go away. they are as follows:

moffat projects his own god complex onto the doctor

rtd era who had a doctor with a god complex. you cant ever be the doctor and not have a god complex. the problem with moffats era specifically is that the god complex was constant and unrepentant and was seen as a fundamental personality trait of the doctor rather than a demon he has to fight. he has the Momence where you feel bad for him, the Momence where he shows his humility or whatever and youre reminded that he doesnt want to be the lonely god, but those are just. moments. in a story where the doctor thinks hes the main character. rtd era doctor was aware that he wasnt the main character. he had to be an authority sometimes and he had to be the loner and he had to be sad about it, but he ultimately understood that he was expendable in a narrative sense.

this is how you get lines like “were the thin fat gay married anglican marines, why would we need names as well?” from the same show that gave you the gut punch moment at the end of midnight when they realize that nobody asked the hostess for her name. and on the one hand, thats a small sticking point, but on the other hand, its just one small example of the simple disregard that moffat has for humanity.

incidentally, this is a huge part of why sherlock sucked so bad: moffats main characters are special bc theyre so much bigger and better than all the normal people, and thats his downfall as a showrunner. he thinks that his audience wants fucking sheldon cooper when what they want is people.

like, ok. think of how many fantastic rtd era eps are based in the scenario “what if the doctor wasnt there? what if he was just out of commission for a bit?” and how those eps are the heart of the show!! bc theyre about people being people!! the thing is that all of the rtd era companions would have died for the doctor but he understood and the story understood that it wasnt about him.

this is like. nine sending rose home to save her life and sacrifice his own vs clara literally metaphysically entwining her existence w the doctor. ten also sending rose with her family to save her life vs river being raised from infancy to be obsessed w the doctor and then falling in love w him. martha leaving bc she values herself enough to make that decision vs amy being treated like a piece of meat.

and this is simultaneously a great callback to when i said that moffats episodes during the rtd era sometimes had the same problems as his show running (bc girl in the fireplace reeks of this), and a great segue into the next grievance.

moffat hates women

he hates women so fucking much. g-d, does steven moffat ever hate women. holy shit, he hates women. especially normal human women who prioritize their normal human lives on an equal or higher level than the doctor. moffat hated rose bc she wasnt special by his standards. the empty child/the doctor dances is the nicest he ever treated her, and she really didnt do much in those eps beyond a fuck ton of flirting.

girl in the fireplace is another shining example of this. youve got rose (who once again has another man to keep her busy, bc moffat doesnt think shes good enough for the doctor) sidelined for no reason only to be saved by the doctor at the last second or whatever. and then youve got reinette, who is pretty and powerful and special!

its just. moffat thinks that the doctor is as shallow and selfish as he is. thats why he thinks the doctor would stay in one place with reinette and not with rose. bc moffat is shallow and sees himself in the doctor and doesnt think he should have to settle for someone boring and normal.

not to mention rose met the doctor as an adult and chose to stay with him whereas reinette is. hm. introduced to the doctor as a child and grows up obsessed with him.

does that sound familiar? it should! bc it is also true of amy and river. and all of them are treated as viable romantic pairings. bc the only women who deserve the doctor are the ones whose entire existence revolves around him. which includes clara as well.

genuinely i think that at least on some level, not even necessarily consciously, that bill was a lesbian in part bc capaldi was too old to appeal to mainstream shippers. like twelve/clara is still a thing but not as universally appealing as eleven/clara but i am just spitballing. but i think they weighed the pros and cons of appealing to the woke crowd over the het shippers and found that gay companion was more profitable. anyway the point is to segue into the next point, which is that moffat hates permanent consequences.

moffat hates permanent consequences

steven moffat does not know how to kill a character. honestly it feels like hes doing it on purpose after a certain point, like he knows he has this habit and hes trying to riff on it to meme his own shit, but it doesnt work. it isnt funny and it isnt harmless, its bad writing.

the end of the doctor dances is so poignant and so meaningful and so fucking good bc its just this once! everybody lives, just this once! and then he does p much the same thing in forest of the dead - this one i could forgive, bc i do think that preserving those peoples consciousnesses did something for the doctor as a character, it wasnt completely meaningless. but everything after that kinda was.

rory died so many times its like. get a hobby lol. amy died at least once iirc but it was all a dream or something. clara died and was erased from the doctors memory. river was in prison and also died. bill? died. all of them sugarcoated or undone or ignored by the narrative to the point of having effectively no impact on the story. the point of a major character death is that its supposed to have a point. and you could argue that a piece of art could be making a point with a pointless death, ie. to put perspective on it and remind you that bad shit just happens, but with moffat the underlying message is always “i can do whatever i want, nothing is permanent or has lasting impact ever.”

basically, with moffat, tragedy exists to be undone. and this was a really brilliant, really wonderful thing in the doctor dances specifically bc it was the doctor clearly having seen his fair share of tragedy that couldnt be helped, now looking on his One Win with pride and delight bc he doesnt get wins like this! and then moffat proceeded to give him the same win over and over and over and over. nobody is ever dead. nobody is ever unable to be saved. and if they are, really truly dead and/or gone, then thats okay bc moffat has decided that [insert mitigating factor here]*

*the mitigating factor is usually some sort of computerized database of souls.

i can hear the moffat stans falling over themselves to remind me that amy and rory definitely died, and they did - after a long and happy life together, they died of old age. i dont consider that a character death any more than any other character choosing to permanently leave the tardis.

and its not just character deaths either, its like, everything. the destruction of gallifrey? never mind lol! character development? scrapped! the same episode four times? lets give it a fifth try and hope nobody notices. bc he doesnt know how to not make the doctor either an omnipotent savior or a self-pitying failure.

it is in nature of doctor who, i believe, for the doctor to win most of the time. like, it wouldnt be a very good show if he didnt win most of the time. but it also wouldnt be a very good show if he won all of the time. my point is that moffats doctor wins too often, and when he doesnt win, it feels empty and hollow rather than genuinely humbling, and you know hes not gonna grow from it pretty much at all.

so like. again, i like all of doctor who i enjoy all of it very much. i just think that steven moffat is a bad show runner and a decent writer at times. and it is frustrating. and im not here to convince or convert anyone im just living my truth. thank you for listening.

#sorry if this is repetitive or makes no sense or if i got some details of the show wrong #i simply couldnt be bothered to put too much effort into this post #lest it become a research paper and take me several weeks to answer #anyway thats all my opinions #dw #ok to rb

210 notes · View notes