#So gotta do something else just to stop myself from getting into a art block | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yallemagne · 25 days

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This year, I'm not doing Dr*cula D*ily

Or any other substack but DD is the biggest. I have numerous reasons for this decision that none of y'all are gonna particularly care for, but ya know, just so we got our expectations in order: I'm not gonna participate in DD this year (maybe never again), I'm probably not gonna reblog many posts related to it (doing so would be counterintuitive), but I am holding myself to finishing Orice (at LEAST the base fic).

Now, why?

TL;DR: Mental health crisis brought on by internet harassment and overprioritizing social media. It's not fun anymore, folks.

DD just... it completely ruined the novel for me.

It was a nice phenomenon, but it took a wrecking ball to my mental health and self-worth. Now, I'm not saying DD's creator personally did something to spite me (or maybe I am, he knows what he did /j), but this whole thing? It wasn't good for me. It was never good. It was sometimes fun, but most of the time it made me want to end it because of thumblr notes.

That's fucking stupid. My life is not worth internet validation. My art is not worthless just because my numbers are not as big as the biggest big shots in the fandom. I'm not a horrible person when other people handle personal disagreements regarding headcanon with defaming rumours and impersonation. But hell! My view of reality was horribly skewed.

A while back, I unfollowed all the gothlit tags I previously followed because 1) Some people (active and popular members of the fandom, mind you, not bots or trolls) were posting honest-to-god name-dropping harassment in the tag because "it's a popular tag so more people will see my callout post" and 2) I reached a point where seeing anything related to the novel on my dash just set me off. It didn't even need to be drama-related anymore. Mentions of the characters, mentions of popular AUs, just the very content of this book became triggering to me, and I really didn't miss the content when it was gone, as sad as that is.

And the kicker? I've come to realize that I probably dislike more things about the novel than I actually like about it. Not only is it tied to some of my darkest moments in recent memory, but it's also just... a book with many flaws that I could go on and on and on about. Sometimes, it straight-up made me furious, like seething mad, and I think I'd rather just be happy. But even when I would try to channel that energy into being happy, I always felt I had to over-clarify or else I’d get bombarded with anonymous messages. If you’ve seen any of my posts from during that time… chances are there is a passive aggressive “btw people can have opposing opinions from you about an old book and it doesn’t give you leave to stone them” or several tags of “#this is a joke #a jooooooke #for the love of god #if y’all don’t stop”. I bet it was as annoying for y’all as it was for me.

P.S. Mutuals/friends, do not worry. Y'all keep doing y'all. I can and will block tags if seeing your posts triggers me. So, I suppose my only request is to properly tag, but I've been saying that from the very start.

I just want to move on to other things.

I took a break for Lent. I needed it terribly. And... not gonna lie? I almost didn't want to return. I never got an itching to just log on and "check in". I very successfully avoided tumb altogether. I came back because "I gotta come back eventually" and also like, this is my main hub where I update when I've written a fic, and ya know... I'm not gonna let toxic fandom bs rule my shit.

During my break, I got back into gaming. More specifically, I started playing Hades again. And listening to Epic the Musical. Aaaand boyyy did that bring me back to my Greek mythology phase. I have a Greek mythos/Hades sideblog btw: @areopagusimp. It's cringe, if you can't tell by the blog name.

Back when I was into Hades game and general Greek mythos, my expectations were so much smaller, but yet, my goals and will to create seemed so much bigger. I made art that no one gave a single solitary shit about (except for my friend), but I was happy. Maybe I'm wearing rose-tinted glasses, but... even if I wasn't as happy then as I remember being... haha at least I wasn't receiving threats and insults in my inbox back then :))). That was the most fun thing about the gothlit fandom. I hope every single chickenhearted angry anon is proud of their behaviour.

But yeah, whatever I end up doing, I’m striving to not let it run me into the ground.

But... What do I do now?

I have so many WIPs (art and writing) for the novel, and it's very disappointing that I didn't get to finish them before it all turned sour. Hopefully, I can still finish them, it just won't be with the same distress I worked with before. Hopefully, I can post that stuff and fully manage my expectations, not crash and burn when only a few people like it. Because hell! A few people liking my stuff? That's amazing, really. I shouldn't take that for granted. At the same time, I'm setting a boundary for myself. Placing my self-worth into the hands of people who I don't know, who don't know me, and who aren't even paying for the art? I need to stop that. Who the hell is that gonna serve? Absolutely no one.

My number one goal is to finish Orice. It is somehow untouched by my aversion to the novel; it is my safe space. I want to honour it and honour the longtime readers who have stuck with me. It's gonna be hard, but it's gonna be worth it for me.

This feels attention-seeking, and it kinda is. I'm not tagging the main subject and I'm not allowing reblogs because I want this to stay isolated (and hopefully prevent backlash/misunderstandings), but ya know, no matter how much I try to keep this small, I'm still posting it online. But I just feel like I needed to get this off my chest. I don't really owe everyone an explanation, but I want there to be one for my own sake... also it's much easier to generalize and make a post than contact each of my friends/mutuals on here and unload stuff onto them that I'm not sure is too personal or not.

For those of you who are reading: I love y'all. I love the good people I've met through all this mess. I want to keep the good apples, not throw out the whole harvest, alright? Dunno how much you'll care for my art when the subject is different, but... eh. If y'all are willing to try?

#i'm writing this in march #dunno when it will be posted #update

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winged-wolf-s-collection-of-arts · 9 months

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Come and Trick or Treat! Open all year :] tags updated Nov. 28

Intro?

Howdy!!! Pronouns —> she/he/they (no preference)

Wolfy (wolf character I doodle sometimes) is my blog mascot. Unreliable sleep schedule/forgetful/message notifs don’t show up- so if you need me uhhhh keep yelling until I notice? Hdfjhfg..

I love drawing, listening to game playthroughs, and looking at cute animals! Feel free to send an ask about anything.

——

Tags!!

Art tag: wolfys art

Cool art by pals: grand showcase of arts

Doc says something: wolf chats

Art months stuff (all of them!! general tag): Just Here To Have Fun

Kiley and co stuff (commonwealth): little wastrels

second fallout au (island, custom location for an rp): badlands crew

Misc fandom tags (unreliably tagged but I will start now): qsmp, good omens, fallout, bg3, whump stuff, starfield, doctor who

important/tagged consistently: psa, boost (urgent news), reblogging for future reference (general tips), promo (friends news), flashing images, bright colors

"You have to reblog!" And similar phrases: rebait

Minor misc tags: drawing tips, writing tips, cooking tips, fave,

Note- these are not tagged reliably: ghouls/zombies, blood, skeletons, suggestive (no explicit things here), bugs and spiders, guns, drug use, smoking, all caps

——

Unimportant ramblings v

Time stamp: Jul 15? Heeeeey. Hello. So I did take a break from art till like last week, but uh, the health has been a roller coaster-

I kinda cleaned the whole house compulsively multiple times. I dunno what to say about that. Went from the compulsion to be Always Drawing to Always Doing Chores, so it wasn’t really a break? It felt amazing for a little while, but I am so stressed inside ahagfhkhdf. Anywayssssss.

I realized that promising to do the art requests Later is just me returning to old behavior, like just... keeping it on the line so I /nobody gets a direct answer *when* it will be done. That makes my brain think it’s in the clear while the other artists are worried and unsure what’d happen. Andddd even though I did have the motivation to do animated group projects for a little while, a small thing completely knocked me into dropping everything else.

I know I *could* try to join more projects or do more requests, I’m not in a safe headspace where I wouldn’t be set off, and nobody should risk their project’s deadline for that-

TLDR I’m going to Try and fix things up on my end and stop myself from joining anything (that depends on Every artists effort). Even if I feel alright *now* I know there’s a lot of risk for *later*- just don’t let me in anything big and important even if I ask, please- for at least a year-

—— Timestamp: Slightly Before August

Gonna Try Ink Demonth this year- I’ll limit myself and not do something too detailed again hsdkfjzhk.

——

Timestamp: August 17

[cackles evilly] Ink Demonth Ink Demothhhhh- this is the furthest I’ve ever gotten in an art prompt month ever! ...even though I’m technically not on theme (Fallout instead of Batim). Trying to pace myself by alternating between a simple and detailed style. Hrrrh the yeehawgust prompts (cowboy theme!) look so cool but I won’t double up- but I will try to participate in the September AI-less-Whump month. (gore and dark subjects! I’ll tag everything properly of course.)

Also I’ve come to a realization- A dream of mine has been becoming famous for my art/animations, but uh- One, it isn’t realistic, and Two, posts getting like 200 notes freaks me out cfjhxfgh- Well, doing stuff for friends and others is just as cool. Y’all are awesome ^w^

——

Timestamp: Aughust ninteen

Wait actually I don’t need a reason to block people. I don’t need to tell you either. It’s been getting a bit too chummy around here (reference)

——

Timestamp: September 4

I didn’t finish the art month, but I got to day twenty! That’s pretty good. I’ll finish it up this month. I also gotta work on some ref sheet, finish a birthday gift, andddd clear the askbox.

——

Timestamp: September 29

Oeghhhh.... too many ideas, not enough time. So many comic ideas. And I gotta tamp down my love of angst dvhkdfbnsf, make sure it makes sense first!! Decided to keep the aus separate. Normal Game Stuff is happening in the Badlands mainland, uh, I don’t know what ending we’d go with but anyways. ....hm. Maybe there’s no sosu and the factions are not making any progress. But probably’d lean towards Institute ending if I had to choose now.

Hm. Well. Maybe I did not think. Uh well in the other au Kiley’s with the Minutemen, and Nate’s with the BoS, so... well I’m not sure how this is gonna go- I’ll keep drawing memes till I think of something cool.

——

Timestamp: October 24

Well uhhhh. I dropped the October art challenge pretty quick, unfortunately. I’ll continue in December maybe? I said I’d do a few days of Halltober, and I don’t want to go back on what I said.

I keep continuing and dropping the au stuff, but that just proves I can continue a project! Maybe!! Maybe. It’ssss a comedy, so uh I’m not worried about making a Deep Story or anything. It’ll be fiiiiine. Just little slice of life stuff.

I wwwwwill get caught up on requests and gifts-

#wolf chats #:[#ONE OF my mascots.#there’s like eight #pinned post

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casualtydept · 9 months

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venting about art block i suppose

gotta be honest i'm at a really awful impasse with my art and even my writing to some extent lately and i may as well put it out there because i've been trying to figure out how to explain it for weeks

it's not even that i find what i make Bad or i'm overly dissatisfied with it more than the usual healthy(?) amount but i feel this infuriating disconnect that i can only really blame on myself

despite having phases where i just didn't draw for months on end i've somehow ended up being aggressively hard on myself, pressuring myself to have to post at least one full completed artwork per month, forcing myself to churn something out just because i hate going a while without posting anything

and it sucks because It Is So Stupid. i feel guilty for doing literally any other hobby for an extended period of time because then it means there's no art. my moods go up and down every month leaving me rushing to try and get something done in the 1 or 2 weeks of Feeling Alive i get, because i know i'll just spend the rest of the month too tired and too unmotivated to even try.

it's only really become an issue since last year, when i started doing art again this frequently and got brave enough to even start posting my art of you know who. and it's evidently kind of spiralled from there since it stopped being just something i did for myself and became something to show others. and then i accidentally became known to strangers as that one person obsessed with that character nobody likes and now i feel like i have something to prove and a void of content that nobody else is ever really going to fill so i may as well be the one to do it

i'm bad at fandoms. i cannot talk to people. but i can make things with a little bit of me in them and share them with other people who like the same weird fictional guy as me and it makes me feel like i'm connecting. and it works and it feels good but then i run out of ideas or motivation and it gets lonely again

and now i've become so hyper aware of this fact every time an idea comes into my head i have to try and figure out if i want to draw that for me or if i only want to draw it to post it on the internet. and then i just give up because i don't know the answer and now i think i'm just guilting myself into not drawing at all just in case i'm doing it for the wrong reasons

so idk. i'm trying. everything i try just ends up with me feeling like i'm going through the motions even if i do find enough inspiration to start. i might be brave enough to post art for zero's birthday if i can stop hating it before then. but if not i will just be here in my stinky brain hole playing pikmin and whatever else until i can feel a little bit human again

#not art #words #sorry it's long you know i talk a lot

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hjeojeo · 2 years

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Hi, I hope that your day is going well! I don't know if this is something your okay with answering but I'm curious as to how you approach anatomy and how you create defining characteristics when drawing characters, like Texas and orchid?

i was like waiting to find time to draw some demonstrations or something, but I realized I’m gonna like

forget to reply to this if I wait to have the brain space to organize all that ahaskjdf

so here comes a text wall!!

so for the anatomy, i think like most anything when it comes to A LOT OF INFORMATION i go with macro to micro. big to small. so some exercises i still do is draw people silhouettes, but small! but practicing with like general like bathroom symbol people/stickman to like realistic silhouettes but simplified i think it helps like make a box in my head to hold the information of ANATOMY

and then when im just drawing i like to think in larger chunks like if you think about how 3D-modeling/sculpting goes where there’s like big blocks to represent the torso and pelvis low poly to high poly

anatomy’s just really hard cause it’s like different proportions, how each element moves and then sits when you adjust.

but trying to find a mental like organization to place all that information usually helps me! and ofc patience with myself cause it takes a long time for that information to really settle down

and for the creating defining characteristcs.

i think it’s about relativity. like just like colors where

a color isn’t just inherently VIBRANT, it’s more about the colors surrounding that specific color. if the surrouding colors are more muted and the specific color is less muted, then it will look vibrant.

so same way

gotta start off with what feels like

a generic base for you. what’s your go-to person you’ll draw that you think is an average look

and then you from there and make decisions on like

maybe 2x the size for the waist

or maybe 50% longer for the nose.

and then i guess last thing to realize that

bc it’s all about relativity. a character might only look very distinct when they stand next to another character who has contrasting features.

for example i have no idea if anyone but me knows this but i draw texas with a longer chin than i’d draw another character. (oh my god that reminds me to shorten up exusiai’s chin a bit, cause i did not intend for them to have a longer chin LOL)

OH that also reminds me

EXAGGERATION if you want to get across a point without there needing to be someone else to contrast for comparison.

like how everyone looks at my texas drawings and knows that she got thick eyebrows

cause i exaggerate the thickness.

and i think exaggeration is also relative to a style’s range. like going beyond the range a bit, just to get across a point.

but depending on the style, even a slight adjustment wil be BIG IN YOUR FACE DIFFERENCE. while other styles even a big adjustment might not be noticable cause the entire style is already pretty exaggerated

.__.

im so sorry if this is like overwhelming amount of info or really disjointed information

i just wanna assure anyone reading this that

it feels overwhelming but

if you dont stress about retaining it immediately and just

keep going and observing and being patient with yourself

you’ll eventually like start to notice and grasp the nuances of what you’re portraying.

i feel like it’s difficult cause like i know that for me

i had to go through a long process of learning to stop hating my art enough so that i can just

calmly look at what im doing, and instead of being dsitracted by how much i didnt like it, to start taking it little by little of like

oh what do i want to change.. and why.

and how do i make that change.!

#reply #aimlessartist17 #oh god godspeed to anyone whoo's about to read this #im sorry i didnt organize it bc i knew i'll keep putting it off if i tried to organize my thoughts...#hjrambles

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bratz-kitten · 3 years

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Hey girl, i need some advice and i hope you can help me. I don’t know if you’ve been through this but i guess so bc i saw some asks ago where you were talking about this and yeah

How do i deal with someone i love (ex partner) moving on so quickly and being with another girl?

And like, when that happened to you did you compare yourself to that girl? Because that’s also a huge issue of mine, im always comparing myself to her and stalking them like ugh HELP

OKAY FUCKING PREPARE YOURSELF

the first thing you’re gonna do is, hear me out: you’re not gonna get involved with ANYONE. not for a good while, not until you’re ready. trust me when i say that the one who moves on the fastest after the breakup is the one that’ll suffer the most. even though it might not seem like it now, even though he might be experiencing happiness right now, in some months reality’s gonna hit and it’s gonna hit him hard. why? because he didn’t process the breakup. he didnt allow himself the time to get over you and just moved on so he wouldn’t have to deal with the bad feelings. literally a few months after what happened to me, his best friend texted me saying how he tried covering up a huge hole with a quick bandaid and now he was realizing how it had only been a temporary solution to a permanent problem.

the second reason why you’re not gonna get involved with anyone else is because that’s what he’s expecting you to do. he immediately moved on to someone else in part to hurt you — and he WANTS you to move on with someone else so that he can feel the satisfaction of you trying to replace him. it’ll boost his ego and it’ll make it easier for him to warp his perception of you into someone who he doesn’t respect.

if there’s one thing i know is that men always come back, no matter how toxic or healthy what you had was. they come back when they sense you getting over them, they come back when they see how amazing you’re doing, they come back when they realize how much they messed up.

so what you’re gonna do is focus on yourself. im not just talking about a physical glow up, im talking mental. when i went through that i couldnt stop comparing myself to her, i used to have an amazing confidence but i let myself shatter it, constantly feeling like i wasn’t enough, like i wasn’t loveable, like i was replaceable just because he replaced me. you know what helped? working on my individuality. right now im focusing so much on developing my style, wearing things out of my comfort zone, things that make me happy, things that make me feel so sexy and confident. unique things. working on my makeup skills too and how to express myself with makeup. skincare and haircare too, there’s something so healing about taking care of yourself and being gentle and dedicating all the love and care you deserve and start seeing results. go watch hyram on youtube if you want to learn about skincare! it’s so much fun. about the mental part: astrology has helped me so much. you gotta be infatuated with yourself, with learning more about you and your past and your traumas and unhealed shit that you need to acknowledge and work on. also manifestation and saying daily mantras to myself about how pretty and smart and interesting i feel, and listening to music that makes me feel sexy. i find exercise boring bc i need to be constantly stimulated so what i started doing was dancing to just dance videos on youtube and now i cant stop LOL ITS SO FUN, gets my blood pumping makes me feel sexy when im dancing to rihanna songs AHDJDJDJ and makes me feel more energized. and for the love of god: PLEASE get a hobbie. you don’t need to do a lot right now, just ONE. hobbies give you so much self-worth and make you feel so capable and like you’re art creating art - i dont want to be cheesy but it is true that interesting people have interests, this is the time for you to get into something you’ve always wanted to do or that you used to love doing as a child but stopped because life got in the way.

i also want you to allow yourself to feel. don’t repress - whenever you want to cry, cry. whenever you miss him, allow yourself to. whenever you remember all the amazing things he did, or all the terrible things he did, or that YOU did, allow yourself to feel all that. time heals nothing, it’s you who’s gotta put in the work to heal yourself.

also, this is the time to focus on your friendships. join an online community or talk with your current friends, talk with them through what happened, be with people who can make you laugh just as hard as he did. communicate all that you feel to them, about your past, about how much you love them, doesn’t matter.

a thing that i did that helped so much was that i’d imagine him coming back and begging me to get back together with him, and i’d imagine being at a point that i felt so good by myself, that i was so confident and so focused on my shit that i’d tell him no. and eventually i became that girl, who was over him and deserved so much more than some childish kid who thinks i’m replaceable, and that’s exactly when he came back. so, please remember that just because you feel like he replaced you, it doesnt mean he did. you are irreplaceable, unfuckwitable, unlinkable, way too good for ANYONE.

and PLEASE STOP WITH THE STALKING LMFAO THAT’S THE WORST PART OF ALL, IT’S SO HARD TO STOP STALKING AND TO NOT ANALYZE EVERY LITTLE THING THAT HE LIKES AND TWEETS AND EVERYTHING THAT SHE POSTS BUT YOU’RE GONNA STOP THAT RIGHT NOW. you dont need to block them, there’s an option on twitter that lets you silence them so you’ll never see them on your tl, if it’s on other social medias where you can’t silence, unfollow and block. know that it doesn’t matter who’s prettier or smarter or hotter, SHE’S NOT YOUR COMPETITION. know that as much as you’re comparing yourself to her, she’s comparing herself to you ten times worse. sending your pics to her friends asking them if they think you’re pretty and shit. she’s not your enemy and it’s not her fault he’s an asshole. so you’ll just let them completely out of your life. also, out of sight out of mind. avoid seeing him. if you have work together or school together or ride the bus together or whatever, avoid all the places where you know he’ll be. make an effort to never be around the same places as him.

i wish you good luck my love, know that you’re the shit, literally the hottest and smartest bitch alive and that’s something he’ll never be able to take away from you. this is what helped me through the worst times, so take it with a grain of salt pls im not an expert. I LOVE YOU

#answered

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zonerobotnik · 2 years

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Hi, Ren here. Listen...I'm tired of this so called discourse. I write how I write and I'm tired of being linked to your post. I'm gay man. I know how it works. But these folk who keep linking me here, seem to think I don't know about my own people. So I want to set the record.

I don't care. I'm a femme gay man. I'm a switch. I write these characters as consenting and having communication. Like a real couple! So to keep putting down bottom Varian and claiming stereotypes like it's an 80's yaoi is annoying. We know the stereotypes and history. These are very different stories.

As for the art, Varian is Sally: Intuitive and feeling trapped. He's LB, practical, creative and easily exasperated. Its personality, not damn gender roles. Some folk are taking this way too seriously and see the characters as more than top or bottom

Look, I'm sorry that you're getting pestered by people, but I'm not sending them to you and I didn't tag you in my post, so I don't know why you're coming after me about this. I'm as upset as you are, but what can I actually do about it? Nothing. And I have no intentions on removing my post, when I think it has some very valid points and also I shouldn't have to delete my posts and shut the fuck up about my opinions just because some jerks are making you uncomfortable with them. And we can have different opinions on the AU roles, that's fine, agree to disagree and all that, diversity of AUs is fun, more cake for everyone. Also, I didn't personally put down switches. I personally prefer to have my characters switch. I think people, gay, lesbian, whatever, come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and stereotypes are terrible. The study was just that, a study, and had some very interesting insights into the top vs bottom thing throughout history, so I shared it. But, again, all I did was state my opinion and share someone's research that they shared with me. I didn't send anyone to link you, I tagged it "varigo discourse" so you can block that tag if you want to, and I can do nothing to stop the people linking you. I'm sorry that I am once again being used as a weapon against my will, but I cannot do anything about it. Just delete the comments, ignore the links, whatever you think you gotta do to make it stop. I personally have all of my comments on AO3 moderated so no one can do things like this to me. I suggest you do the same thing. When I was getting links to other fics and Tumblr posts from people trying to persuade me to see things their way, you know what I did? I told them how I felt about it and I didn't say ANYTHING TO THE PERSON THAT THEY LINKED ME TO. So, please, tell off the people that are linking you and leave me out of it. I cannot stop them, and I will not silence myself because people are misusing my words as a weapon. I sympathize with you, really. But I don't appreciate you coming into my Askbox telling me off for something that someone else did to you, just because I was unwillingly involved.

#ask zone stuff #ren1327

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sinsbymanka · 3 years

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Writing Tag Game

Okay listen I’m on vacation XD hence why I’m ignoring everyone’s tags/taking forever to respond. But I’ve been tagged in this A LOT and I really liked it/wanted to do it so thank you to everyone who tagged me (oh my god I’m so sorry if I missed one of you there were SO MANY): @noire-pandora, @in-arlathan, @thevikingwoman, @morganlefaye79, @elveny, @kunstpause, @pikapeppa

I’m not tagging anyone because I’m tagging everyone since I’m too lazy to find my tag list (I’m on VACATION). If you’ve not gotten tagged and wanted to do this, say I tagged you.

How many works do you have on Ao3?

147 - I have 145 linked to my profile and two in the anonymous collection.

What's your total Ao3 wordcount?

1,468,248. Almost 1.5 million!!

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Of Miracles and Heroes (FenHawke, Cadash/Varric, Varania/Blackwall): 269

Interspecies Relationships Have Their Ups and Downs (Shakarian): 145

Don’t Make it Hawkeward (Varric/Hawke): 135

The Ambassador’s Vices (Josephine/Adaar): 111

The Girl with the Arrow Tattoo (Cadash/Varric): 101

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do (but - to be honest - it takes me FOREVER). I love comments. It’s so much easier to not leave comments than leave comments, so every time someone leaves one I’m blown away. I feel like - for leaving me a comment - you’re definitely owed an answer! I do apologize that it takes me awhile though - I am very bad at answering because they mean a lot to me and I get easily overwhelmed by the AO3 inbox I don’t know why. Blame anxiety.

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

I’ll be honest, I don’t like angsty endings so I don’t have many of them. By far the angstiest ending I have is Flowers, Lies, and Forgiveness. This is a Bianca Davri/Varric Tethras fic set during the final act of DA2. I wrote it from Bianca’s POV - showing Varric unraveling under the pressure of Kirkwall and Bianca’s complicated feelings about infidelity to her husband who clearly cares about her as well. I wrote it for @hollyand-writes who always lets me lean into the tragic “fucked upness” of the pairing when I’m feeling like making Varric suffer.

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending

I prefer happy endings so almost EVERYTHING has a happy ending. My favorite endings, so far, are for Cheating the Dread Wolf, which is my Varric/Cadash/Solas polycule (or as I like to refer to it - Solas has a dwarf kink) and The Viscount’s Mistress which is my Hurt/Comfort Cadash/Varric Trespasser bullshit.

Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you've written?

I have not written crossovers - but I am very into AUs in another setting that belongs to a different fictional universe. Most recently I got back into my Downton Abbey bullshit and wrote Flappers for Fen’harel which is basically a Downton Abbey AU Solas/Cadash and I’m not taking comments about the outrageousness of it.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yep. Honestly though? Over the two years I’ve been active in Fandom, the shitty comments can be counted on one hand and usually came from the same people over and over again, who are easily blocked, and should stop seeking out clearly labeled content they don’t like. Me and my work are not for everyone - that’s REALLY okay. I’ve blocked people for no other reason than making things I don’t like - that doesn’t mean they’re bad people.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

GOD DO I.

I am extremely sex and kink positive. Because of this - a lot of my work involves sex in some way or another. I think sex is a beautiful part of many (although not all) relationships, and that it’s frequently glossed over in mainstream media (particularly queer, kinky, and polyam sex).

This ranges from sort of vanilla slow burns (My Cole/Bea fic, Compassion for an Assassin, has smut which hasn’t been posted yet. It’s Cole’s first time and is fairly vanilla and romantic, and occurs approximately 40k into the fic) to some pretty dubious consent near 24/7 dom/sub dynamics with BDSM kinks (I’ve written JUST as much of the Sereda/Gorim problematic smut as @jarakrisafis has in our series Forced Moves).

There’s very few kinks I’m not willing to touch at least to try out - even if I end up not liking them. And the ones that aren’t for me are 100% allowed to exist and I will fight for them to the bloody end. My only recommendation is CLEARLY labeling your shit and not being afraid to add a tag if someone asks you to.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I’m aware of? I’ve seen ideas I’ve tried on picked up by other people - but I don’t consider that stealing and it’s hard to trace “who has been inspired by who” because we ALL have been inspired by thousands of other people and frankly more stuff for me when I pull you over to my weird AUs and rarepairs.

I also think that’s a huge part of not getting stolen - I’ve got so much weird niche shit that only a couple people read that stealing from me is going to most likely be caught IMMEDIATELY the audience is so small.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I don’t believe so!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes! I’ve got some co-written secret smut with @blarfkey which almost nobody has seen, I’ve borrowed @tightassets Hawke, Lavellan, and Shepard for fics that she has illustrated, borrowed @tuffypelly‘s Adaars for some great fics, and my most ambitious project - the Forced Moves series with @jarakrisafis. It started out as us just exchanging gifts back and forth but we’ve wrangled it into Gambits and Countergambits, an Aeducan-origin prequel, that I’m VERY proud of.

I love co-writing very much, but it’s very important to find the right partner and for it to be someone you trust completely.

What's your all time favourite ship?

This is a stupidly hard question because I am, at heart, a multi-shipper.

I love Varric/Hawke and Varric/Cadash. I’m also a sucker for Solas/Cadash. My fandom pool noodle is Varric/Cadash/Solas which I adore, and I’m very fond of Cole/Cadash.

Most recently I’ve been DEEP in Aeducan/Gorim Saelac, Bhelen/Rica/Vartag, and Aeducan/Brosca feels. Dwarf origins are the best origins in my opinion and those characters are PERFECT.

What's a WIP you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

I fully plan on finishing everything. My writing style changed a lot, for the better, in a short period of time. I need to integrate my old style/new style and had to get a pep talk about how to do that. Now I’m ready to try as soon as I finish Compassion for an Assassin.

What are your writing strengths?

I write very sexy, hot smut. I also really like playing with character voice and making sure I get them “right” so I do a lot of experimenting before publishing a new character for the first time.

I struggle to write action scenes - it’s like pulling fucking teeth - but people really LOVE my action scenes and they read well. So that’s something I’m proud of even if it feels like doing fucking pull ups.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I never learned anything. My experiences with English and writing teachers were overwhelmingly negative. I’m unsure if I’m just not cut out for classes or if they were that bad, but I always left feeling like there was one “right” way to do it, and everything I liked was “bad”, so what was the point of “learning” anything?

It turns out there’s this very pompous, pretentious thought process in writing where people “assume” things must be done, but GOOD writing teachers teach you the rules and then how to break them. I either never had a good writing teacher or got too intimidated to give them a chance before bouncing.

So I’m exceedingly self-taught. I lack the vocabulary to discuss plot structure, characterization, grammar, etc. I instinctively know most of these things based on trial and error and reading, but I didn’t learn them and I miss a lot of nuance in the rules, but until recently I was still too intimidated and unsure of myself to admit that or take it seriously.

So - my defense mechanism is NOT taking ANYTHING seriously. If my writing is a joke to me, it’s gotta be a joke to everyone else, but that’s been a shield to hide behind instead of being thoughtful about things. I’m here to have fun, yes, but there’s nothing wrong with learning a technique to the art.

I’ve learned - mostly thanks to @blarfkey who is an amazing person and a wonderful teacher - that I am a good writer based on my self-teaching. And being intimidated of people who throw around impressive sounding words is a weakness that I am working on.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Use sparingly and with good reason. It should be short and explained later or clear from context.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter on message boards back in the fucking day. Thankfully none of it exists anywhere anymore.

What's your favourite fic you've written?

This is such a sappy answer and I’m so sorry. My favorite things have been written for and because of people I love and care about. When I read them, I’m not just reading the story, but remembering the relationships I’ve made and how important they are.

So, my top three fics for THAT reason:

1. Cheating the Dread Wolf - written for @blarfkey who inspired the idea and ruthlessly encouraged me to make it happen. This fic was so healing for me because it heavily features Fatherhood within it - and I lost my father in June 2020. I don’t know if I’d have been able to do it without her and it was so important for me to do.

2. Gambits and Countergambits - written with @jarakrisafis and the culmination of a years worth of gifting shit back and forth and crafting a shared universe. The worldbuilding, smut, relationships, EVERYTHING about this fic is so deeply and passionately cared about by both of us and to our knowledge it is completely, totally unique.

3. Relentless, Ridiculous, and Rakish - one of my only primarily gen-fics focusing on a forming brother/sister relationship between Maria Cadash and @tuffypelly‘s Otsar Adaar. I very much enjoyed writing it for her <3

And then my overall favorite fic:

The Viscount’s Mistress: I have a lot of opinions about how fanfiction treats the anchor’s meltdown and the aftermath. It’s one of the things in DAI that resonated with me SO much as someone who lives with chronic pain and a disability. I loved the fact my OC was in the same shoes and STILL saving the world. This is very much a fic that explores all the dark sides of trauma, pain, and the mental health effects of it. But it ends on a happy and hopeful note.

#manka writes #writer tag game thing

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askstarwarriorkirby · 3 years

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I need to be honest real quick guys. I just...really need to vent about how I’ve been feeling. My art block has turned into a literal brick wall and I have myself to blame.

I’ve been fighting with myself on what I should be doing and all that. A large part of me keeps saying “you’re a college graduate now, which means all your work HAS to be professional and blah blah blah. You don’t have time for all that silly immature stuff! Yada yada yada.” Sadly that has included this blog. Trust me, I’m fully aware of how dumb and wrong it is, but I’ve just been struggling so much to fight it. To add to that, my perfectionism loves to drag things out and stoke that flame a bit more. I always think “perfect isn’t possible, but you can still be close,” which, again, I’m aware is a load of Bull. I’m not the best at trusting myself or what I think is best. I’ve always been a people-pleaser and it’s lead to a bad mentality of “everything needs to satisfy THEIR needs.” I’ve been going to a therapist, talking to people I trust, and asking for advice on various forums and all have said the same thing: “you don’t have to make everything professional,” “you HAVE the time to do what YOU want to do,” and “nothing HAS to be perfect.” And I believe them. It’s just that when I try to repeat that to MYSELF, it’s like it goes unnoticed. I always been like that and I resent that part of myself a lot. I feel like I’M the only one saying these things to myself and making myself believe everyone else is too. But they AREN’T. It ticks me off and I’m just so tired of it, but I can’t fight back that well. I’m building too many expectations on myself and I’ve only realized I trapped myself and can’t get out on my own. But I still love art and the ideas I’ve been exploring. I’ve been steadily trying to fight against it, but I still feel limited to things outside of this blog. But I WANT to come back. I just don’t know how. I know a lot of people probably don’t pay attention to me anymore because I’ve been gone for so long and I’ve probably disappointed some fans that really like my work. Trust me, I’m disappointed with myself too sometimes. I don’t know why I need to make things so elaborate and complex. I wish I could go back in time and tell younger me to stop trying to be perfect. There was a time when I wasn’t so obsessive over being perfect and I wish I could go back to that. I don’t want to always have a purpose in mind for things. If anyone could help me, even if just a little bit, even just offering some support of any kind, I’d be happy. At this moment I just feel kind of...alone. Like I need some kind of “permission” to do Kirby stuff again and can’t get it from anyone. It’s not right. I’M not right...sorry for the deep stuff. I just needed to say all this.

And don’t worry, I still have ZERO plans to abandon this blog. I still have passion for it, it’s just a matter of fighting myself to reach it.

Edit: something I forgot to add is that I have more reason to return due to advice I got from several people on Reddit. They suggested that in addition to working on more projects rather than spending tons of time on one, I should work on things that exist to make ME happy. Heck with “it’s ALWAYS gotta be PROFESSIONAL.” It’s my life and I can take it at my own pace. Kirby always makes me happy and coming back to this blog is something I want more than anything. But I’m overthinking my comeback plan when I should make it simple. I suck at comics so learning to make them is holding me back a bit. I’m thinking of just doing something simple like a diary or some images. I want to progress this blog’s canon more since it’s been so long. That’s what I’ve been struggling on.

In the words of Patrick Star: “The inner workings of my mind are an enigma.” AKA a complex mass of tangled wires, ADHD, and anxiety that just hate organization. Don’t worry too much about me guys. Life just sucks sometimes.

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alfafilly · 3 years

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New Year New Me

I want to make a small New Years Resolution this year aimed specifically towards my role in the Sly Cooper fandom. It’s gonna be kinda long and venty so warning!!

As a bit of backstory, I haven’t been in a fandom/actively drawing fanart since like... 2012 maybe? Like in terms of drawing fanart for the same series routinely. I went through a really stupid phase where I thought fanart was a waste of time because I had been hounded over and over again by peers and those I looked up to that only ORIGINAL © DO NOT STEAL content mattered. I looked down on fanart and used every excuse to belittle fanartists. I dunno if this was also in part due to the last fandom I was in being extremely toxic (that being the Invader Zim fandom. Booooois them 2006-2008 deviantART IZ days were something else) and my college experience constantly telling me “fanart in your portfolio is stinky bad no do that” (which is hotly debated btw).

Anyway... jumping into the Sly Cooper fandom has been extremely positive for me and helping me shed a lot of that negative attitude. Dare I say there was character development?! And while, for the most part, Sly fandom isn’t that toxic, there are elements of it that have caused much chaotic negativity within me that I am hoping to get rid of.

Maybe it’s a result of my former opinions about fanart, but I have always felt a sense of inadequacy, or as if I NEED to make my place in the fandom for me to be relevant and to matter. I have vented about this in the past. My first fanart piece was a compilation of my interpretations of the cast, and it was well received, and everyone talked about how they wanted me to draw more characters, to see more designs, etc. Which is why I said I wanted to redesign ALL the cast because the people DEMANDED IT!! This could be my way of placing myself in the fandom!!! HELL YEAH!!!

But it didn’t make me... happy, I guess? I DO enjoy redesigning, but when I do it under my own terms, with no pressure. I think coming out of art school made me put on blinders and tell myself what I used to believe in: “If you’re going to waste your time on fanart, better make it good. You know, people can hire you if you show good fanart! These redesigns could get you a job in the industry! You gotta ONLY do work that will benefit your end goal and nothing else!!”

This often made me feel extreme guilt when I started drawing more of my Arpeggio content, or my Arpeggio AUs because despite how much fun I was having, that little voice in the back of my head was saying “No!! Stop drawing that!! Draw stuff that everyone will care about besides just you!!! You’re not going to get anywhere with this!! Drawing sexy Arpeggio won’t get you a job in the industry KJSNJKGNSKNGKJNAJ!!!!”

This mentality also crafted some uhh... extremely negative competitive attitudes towards other artists in the fandom. Certain artists would piss me off every time they posted to the point I would have to block them to stop seeing their work just to prevent these feelings. There is a notable artist I won’t name, but they do Sly redesigns too. I was fine with them initially, but after they blatantly stole one of my designs without crediting me I was LIVID. I called them out and they did apologize and changed the design, but every time I saw their work from then on out I had this insane urge to “beat them”. It was a sick competitive game. I felt jaded they ripped my design and kept getting popular anyway. TBH it’s rather petty and I am trying not to harbor any ill will towards them because I don’t think they meant anything by it and the design was rather insignificant in the whole scheme of things. But I still have them blocked or muted everywhere because I am still struggling to ignore that great urge every time I see their designs to drop everything I’m doing and draw my own redesigns out of unhealthy spite.

And I’m only briefly going to go over the god damn Deceit of Thieves drama. Apparently they are still making it into a legit game? They have a Patreon apparently and are posting stuff about it? I found out about that and the same sort of fiery rage filled me. But this was much less personal. Sure, I had given a critique to them but I honestly wanted the game/story/whatever to flourish? After seeing their poor reactions and being attacked by their white knights, my taste towards them grew bitter and I think my fellow Sly fans having the same bitterness fueled me to flat out grow a hatred for them. That’s kind of awful? I never expected to want another member of the fandom to have their project fail. What kind of asshole am I for wanting that?? I don’t want that. I want them to learn from their mistakes and make something great. Not hold some ridiculous resentment. I can decide not to support them if I wanted, but wishing failure is a whole other horrible thing.

So realizing this I knew I needed to... change my perspective on how I see myself in the fandom and how I process my feelings towards it. I don’t want to be here to produce soulless portfolio worthy content. I don’t want to compete with other artists or wish them ill. I just want to draw some god damn fanart of a series I love and that makes me happy!

I’m posting this here as a way to hold accountability to myself and be honest. I started drawing Sly stuff again in 2017 so it’s been an issue appearing on and off the last 4 years and that’s... sad. It needs to end! I appreciate everyone in the fandom who has supported me in my endeavors, as ridiculous as they are. I can’t believe drawing and writing about a dumb bird man and cat lady and throwing my stupid OCs into the fray for my favorite childhood game has made me learn so much about myself, my work, and gained me so many great peers and friends. I definitely don’t want to stop any time soon! And I apologize profusely if I ever hurt anyone in some way because I lost sight of that (or was just a dick for whatever reason).

Thanks for your support, and I hope 2021 will bring me loads more positivity into my content!!

#sly cooper #vent #rant #text post

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feverinfeveroutfic · 3 years

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chapter twenty six: wet dreams and frisbees

“I can't believe your dad actually helped us with that,” Eric said aloud to her with a shake of his head. All she knew was she had to be there for real that time around: after their album dropped, her father had invited her back up to the Bay Area before anything else huge happened between them.

The day following the release of that new album in the first week of May and all the while the video for “The Ballad” had hit everyone's television there in the Bay Area and also down in Los Angeles. Sam was sure that Testament hadn't had such a stronghold like that of Metallica given they had started a year after Cliff was killed; but every time she turned around or went anywhere with a television screen, she saw Chuck's face there as he crooned out that song.

There was that plus the video for “Practice What You Preach” which never surfaced as much, but she swore that she saw them everywhere there in California. They always came on after Prince and Michael Jackson it seemed like, and it traded off between the two of them. There came a point in which after not even a week in which Sam began to associate Testament with either doves crying or pretty young things.

It was also around the time she headed back up to the Bay Area when she caught a glimpse of a rather darkly lit video which followed the one for “The Ballad” there in the bus station.

She frowned with the feeling of unfamiliar familiarity. She had no idea where they were from, but she knew them from somewhere. Within time, through the shades of rich royal blue, she recognized Kirk's black curls and Lars' sharp eyebrows. James' eyes pinched shut.

Jason there on the stool with a pair of wire framed glasses upon his nose.

Her mouth dropped open.

It was the first time she had ever seen Metallica in a music video. Even though she couldn't hear the music over the hustle and bustle in the bus station, she could feel it in her bones. The very sight of it almost brought a tear to her eye. Jason there on the stool in Cliff's shoes: there was no way he was echoing him, but rather he continued on from where Cliff had left off in the three years before. She adjusted the brim of her hat and sniffled a bit at the sight up there on the wall.

She thought about it all the way up through the outer rim of Los Angeles and into the Central Valley, such that she had plunked open her journal at one point and sprawled it across her lap. All she could think about was Jason and the pensive look on his face.

She yearned for something rich and dark like black ink for her new drawing, and yet all she had at her disposal at the moment was her kit of pencils. She got about as far as the sketch, albeit in cartoon form, but she had one with her regardless of anything she had with her.

Something to remember her dead love to, and something to exemplify his band's membrance of him as well. It was yet another secret drawing she had on hand, and one that she had no idea as to when she would finish up, either.

In the meantime, there on her second trip back up to San Francisco, Eric and Greg picked her up from the bus station in Hayward and as they drove back to the rehearsal spot together, she remembered the bet she had made with Alex as well. She had drawn him and thus she had to get alone with Greg whenever she found the chance.

She could only hope that Alex had told him about their bet, and if he didn't, there had to be a way in which she could explain it to him and in the best way possible as well. She sat there in the front seat next to Eric: at one point, she peered into the rear view mirror and through the dark lenses of her sunglasses, she noticed Greg tucking a lock of wavy dark hair right behind his ear.

That long hair and that soft scruff on his chin and on either side of his face.

It was hard for her to imagine it, even her having known Greg for a few years at that point. She strove to picture that scruff against her thighs; her holding onto that hair and giving it a pull; figuring each other out. All fuzzy and difficult for her to really think about.

She peered over at Eric and his little baby face from the side.

All five of them with long black hair and round faces, except they were all slightly different in some fashion: Alex with the obvious tuft of gray over the right side of his forehead, Chuck with the similar grave Native American look to his face like Joey, Greg with the scruff on his face, Louie looking serious, and Eric being the odd man out with the look that started it all.

“I just realized I've never really been to Catalina,” Eric said at one point.

“It's gorgeous,” she told him with a sparkling smile, “especially when it snows.”

He frowned at that where she giggled and held her journal close to her lap. They rolled up to a stop sign and he looked over at her, and she had no idea if she was looking at the journal or something else. He gave that smooth stripe of dark hair on the right side of his forehead a little toss back with a flick of his head and then they rolled forward along the block towards that low white brick building in question; right next door was a little bistro. Greg was quick to climb first, even before Eric pulled up the parking lever.

“My goodness,” Sam remarked.

“I know, right?” Eric showed her a little smile.

She took off her sunglasses and ran her fingers through her dark hair, and then he cleared his throat. She turned to him: it looked as though he wasn't ready to climb out of the car as of yet.

“I wanna ask you something,” he started in a soft voice.

“Go ahead.”

“Seeing as you're here and not back East anymore—you wanna do something some time?”

She raised her eyebrows at him. “Like what? Like a date?”

Eric shrugged his shoulders.

“I dunno if you could call it that,” he said, “I just think of when we took you over to Castro Valley to visit the place where James and Lars spread Cliff's ashes, and you and Alex got behind the building there... it was kinda hot, to be perfectly honest with you.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah. I catch myself thinking about from time to time.”

“You know, my dad lives there now,” Sam pointed out.

“Oh, yeah, that's right! Have a little fun near your daddy's place.” Eric flashed her a wink at that. “Anyways, I mean it. I wanna do something with you. Like maybe have dinner at your dad's house or something of that nature. I gotta spend a bit with the little Sammich at some point.”

“You're just saying that because I'm a girl surrounded by a bunch of boys,” she scoffed at him, and albeit with a roll of her eyes. He shrugged at that.

“Not necessarily,” he clarified with a raise of his eyebrows. “It could be from the fact that you're a girl who likes to chill with a bunch of boys.”

“I chill with girls, too, you know, Eric,” she pointed out.

“Kinky.”

“Kinky?”

“Kinky.”

“You little fat rat,” she teased him with a shake of her head.

“Little fat rat, is that what you called me?” he chuckled.

“Yeah, 'cause you're little—you're fat—” She reached for a poke of his little belly and he flinched back in the seat, and his face turned bright pink from the feeling.

“I'm not fat,” he scoffed.

“You're chubby,” she corrected herself.

“I'm not chubby, either,” he said. “Chubby means you're cute and round—fat implies you've got too much on you. I'm neither of those things.”

“Really?”

“I dunno. I just think that's the assumption surrounding it and that's according to your dad, too.”

“My dad told you that?”

“Yeah. Your dad is quite the interesting man if I do say so myself. Maybe that's why you're so amazing.”

She gasped at that and then Eric climbed out of there and into the bright sunlight before she said anything further to him. She clutched her journal to her chest and slung the courier bag over her shoulder, and she followed him up to the front step. He held the door for her all the while: she dared not sashay her hips at him with each and every step.

Once she entered that first hallway followed by that cool, dark front room, she spotted Greg before the table on the side of the room with a glass of beer in hand. Alex was nowhere to be seen. She walked on over to him and he turned to her as he took a sip from the glass.

“What's up?” he greeted her; she peered over her shoulder and Eric ducked into the next room over.

“I have to tell you something,” she began in a low voice.

“Go ahead,” Greg encouraged her as he leaned in closer to her.

“Close the door, too—” He did just that with his free hand around her shoulder.

“I dunno if Alex told you this,” she said, “but I made a bet with him that if I draw him, I have to have sex with you.”

Greg hesitated for a second and then he burst out laughing.

“Did you really draw him?” he asked her as he took another sip of that fresh beer.

“I did, yes! And here's proof.”

She opened her journal to that drawing she had made for him back up at her dad's house. Greg took another sip from his glass and he raised his eyebrows at it.

“Oh, shit,” he sputtered. “I'm in trouble now.”

“He also told me to keep it between us—yeah, I don't get it, either.”

“He wants the three of us all to be hot shit,” Greg explained, “at least that's what I think he wants—I dunno, I can't read his mind. That's a gorgeous drawing, by the way.”

“So,” she stated as she closed the journal and gave her hair a toss, “what do you say?”

“Can I at least have my drink first?” he asked her with a sly little smirk on his face.

“Of course! Take your time with it.”

The door swung open right then and it caught the both of them off guard. Sam whirled around and she recognized that rich black curled hair and that little cleft in his chin.

“Hey, Charlie!” she greeted him, and his face lit up when he recognized her.

“Oh, hey!” He threw his arms around her. “Oh my gosh, I feel like I haven't seen you in ages—how are you?”

“I'm well—I've been living!”

“I should tell you—I got in touch with a woman who might help you out with promoting your art because you need it, Sam. You really do.”

“I'm not sure, though, Charlie,” she confessed. “I'm just trying to find my voice in the wake of being in school.”

“Take it anyways,” Greg told her as he took another sip of beer.

“She also offered to help Marla out, too,” he added, “because you ladies are damn well and good at it.” He handed her a little creamy white card with the words “Scarlett Valentine: art agent—New York, New York” inscribed on the front in rich red swirled letters.

“So should I call her whenever I can or whenever it's convenient for her?” she asked him.

“Whenever you can,” he replied, “mention my name, too—tell 'er you've been Benante'd as a result of this.” His expression then turned serious. “Also, I have good news and some bad news, and they kind of go hand in hand.”

“Go ahead,” she coaxed him as she tucked the card into the interior pocket of her purse.

“Good news is Anthrax is heading back into the studio, hopefully soon,” he said in a single breath. “Bad news is I'm not sure what Joey's doing right now, but I don't think he'll be joining us.”

Sam frowned at that. “What do you mean?” she asked him.

“I called him yesterday and we talked—for a long time, almost two hours. He's not really feeling good even though I told him he sounds good and we kind of need him.”

“What do you think he should do?” Greg chimed in from behind her.

“Well, I told him—take your time with it. When it happens, I'll call you and tell you about it. Your well being and your health comes first. I really want him on it, just to clear up any confusions that he might have about it. He thought we had fired him, for god's sake.”

“What if he says yes to it?” Sam added.

“If he says yes to it,” Charlie continued, “it'll be up to him as to how he does it. Vocals come last, you know.”

“Absolutely! I hope he can do it.”

“I hope he can, too,” he admitted. “Scott's written a bunch of new songs and I can't really imagine anyone else singing them. I mean—I can kind of, but I know they would fit Joey's voice like a glove. They were made with him in mind.”

“Who else can you imagine singing them?” Sam asked him.

“Mark from Death Angel, believe it or not. Just 'cause they have a similar range.”

“Yeah, they do!” Greg chuckled at that.

“That reminds me,” Charlie wagged a finger at him, “a word, Gregory.”

He opened the door and stepped out first; Greg followed right behind him, and the last thing he did for Sam was shrug his shoulders.

“Eventually,” he mouthed to her all the while, and then he followed Charlie out of there and back into the hallway. She spotted Alex by the door, and thus, once she tucked her journal into that courier bag, she headed over to him.

“Hey, you,” he greeted her as he took off his sunglasses and showed off those deep eyes to her.

“So that little bet you made with me,” she started with him and with her arms folded across her chest, “how if I drew you, that I had to do it with Greg—” She stopped and he slowly turned his attention to her with his eyes wide open like big marbles.

“Did you?” he blurted out, stunned.

“I almost did. He didn't seem to ready about it—not like you.”

“You'll have other chances,” he said with a wink, and she gave him a little smirk as a result of that and she knew she would have more chances to see sexy Alex at his best as well.

“By the way, what happens if I don't do it with him?” she asked him in a low voice. Alex shifted his weight right before her and then he walked around her back to that room. She followed him back inside, right as he took a seat before that table. He gestured for her to take a seat in front of him, and she did, albeit with her courier bag on the table top next to her. He shifted the chair around so he faced her straight on. He set his hands on her knees and he lingered right before her face as if about to kiss her. Instead his eyes closed part of the way as if he was seducing her right then and there.

“Come on tour with us?” he whispered to her.

“I'd have to pick up and leave more and more, though,” she pointed out.

“You'd be with us, though. You'd be with me.”

“But what about our secret, though? Our keeping ourselves a secret?”

“Greg can take secrets to his grave,” he said, “and I can, too.”

The palms of his hands pressed right into her knees. Her chest rose up a bit as he closed his eyes and took in the smell of her shampoo on the right side of her head. She brought her hands to his chest as if about to push him back. Instead, she stood to her feet and he followed suit.

They were alone in that room together.

She kissed him right on those soft lips and all the while, she kept her hands on his chest. His body was warm and soft even while being so thin. He was so sensual and tender towards her, such that she wondered where this side of Alex had been this whole entire time. He was like a diamond fresh out of a mine, or a rock straight off of the summit of Mount Whitney: all he needed was a bit of polishing and then she could have a better look at him.

She could still taste the ginger from the ginger snaps on his lips.

She could feel that right amount of softness staying perfectly intact all around his hips and his waist. She thought about his sentiments about getting so heavy by the time he reached middle age, and she smirked at the thought of Alex getting chubby while staying as lovely and sensual as ever.

He brought his hands up her back towards the hooks on her bra. She could feel the warmth from his chest and his stomach, that sweet sense of fever. She could feel how firm he was getting in between his legs. She moved her head back from him and she gazed right into those deep eyes.

“Careful,” she warned him in a near whisper. “We go a little bit far with it, I'll end up like Aurora.”

“We won't,” he whispered back to her. “I promise you, Samantha—I won't go that far with it.”

Sam brought her mouth to the side of his neck once again for another little love bite there, but instead she kept her nose there. She relished in his scent, there on his skin and on the underside of his hair. She kept her hands right over his hips: his skin resembled to silk. She imagined him even softer and more tender than ever at one point. The softer and the rounder he was, the more she could hold him and feel him.

“Mmm, baby—” she whispered to him.

“Baby, is that what you called me?” he retorted back to her.

“'Cause you're soft and sweet like a baby,” she told him and she ran her tongue along her top row of teeth. She ran her fingers through his soft black curls and he tilted his head back a bit and showed off more of his neck to her. For a fleeting moment, she thought about that encounter in the closet with Frank back in Charlie's old apartment. The way in which she caressed his soft lush hair, except Alex's hair was even more plush and even lighter. She brought her lips back to his, but she never kissed him.

Instead, she moved her right hand to the front of his jeans.

“What if I—” Her fingers caressed over the zipper and the button. She was about to slither down even further when he flinched back a bit.

“Easy now,” he warned her in a husky voice.

“What?” she teased him.

“You do that, I might not keep it together later tonight when I go to bed.”

“Oh, yeah, like you'd have a wet dream about me.”

He nibbled on his bottom lip and gazed on at her in the dim light: those deep eyes as deep and dark as they had ever been up to that point.

“I actually have had a couple of wet dreams about you,” he confessed.

“Oh, have you now?”

“Yeah. It's funny—I didn't think I'd have wet dreams about anyone before.”

“All dripping wet and hot,” she teased him.

“Not if I get you dripping wet and hot first—”

“You want me to bite you again?” she offered him.

“How 'bout down by my belt this time?” he suggested. “The last time—when you got me right here on my neck—I had hell of a time explaining it to my parents when they saw it. My mom was like 'oh mah gawd, Alex, what were ya doin'!”

She burst out laughing and then she clasped a hand to her mouth so as to not to draw attention to herself. Alex lowered his eyelids a bit as if seducing her himself, but she was the one who had done it in the first place. He lifted the hem of his shirt and showed her his slim stomach to her: the edge of his belt hung right underneath his belly button so she could do it with such ease.

The door hung ajar by about an inch but she knew no one else was around. Eric, Greg, and Charlie had gone somewhere else in there, but they were alone as far as she could tell.

Alex leaned back on the table so she could better reach his waist. With the tips of her fingers, she caressed his smooth white skin there over his belt first.

She brought her teeth onto his skin for a gentle nibble. She tried to imagine him with a bit of weight on his body at the same time, all from eating too many ginger snaps.

To think she was a few inches right above his genitals all the while.

“C'mon, Samantha, you can do it a little harder than that,” he encouraged her with his voice still husky and low. She nibbled a little harder on his skin and he gave her a soft groan from the inside of his throat in return.

“C'mon—you can do it,” he encouraged her again, that time through gritted teeth. A little harder and he started to breathe harder as a result. His chest heaved from the feeling there.

“Oh, god, that's hot—”

She closed his eyes as she nibbled on his skin, a sweet little love bite. Alex breathed harder and he gave her soft little whimpers all the while.

“I'm a bad boy,” he blurted out. “I'm a bad boy! Suck me—suck me—like you did last time—I'm a bad boy, Samantha.”

She put her lips there for a little sucking, and she traded in between the two. Her lips puckered and her teeth ground up against his skin, right there next to his belly button.

More silence ensued on the other side of the door so she traded in between the two for what felt like an eternity. All the while, Alex breathed harder as if he had just run a mile.

She bit extra hard on him and he gasped from the feeling.

“Tasty,” she whispered as she slithered her tongue along that little bit of bruised skin there. She had left a genuine bruise the size of a dime there on his skin, right next to his belly button. Alex let out a low whistle.

“Oh, man, that was hot,” he whispered to her as she finished up with a few little kisses there. “That was really hot.”

“Sam?”

She kept her lips there on Alex's skin as she glanced over to the door. Ruben's voice carried in from right there behind the door.

“Damn it,” he muttered. She gave him another kiss there and then she tickled him there. “Easy now.” He giggled at that and she moved up to his face; he kept his shirt pushed back so she leaned up right against his bare belly and gazed right into those deep eyes. His body was warm and soft, much warmer and softer than before that little vampire bite.

“So now what?” he asked her in a broken voice.

“I go hang out with my daddy now,” she told him, “I think he's gonna take me home, too.”

He pouted his lips to her a bit as if he beckoned another kiss from her. He closed his eyes so his face was extra soft. She moved in closer to him, right before his lips, but neither of them did anything further.

“Go to bed and dream of a beautiful gray stripe,” he breathed right into her mouth. He then looked right into her face, complete with the come hither look in his eyes and a softness about his face.

“You know I will, sweet boy,” she whispered to him.

“Sam?” Ruben called out from the next room.

“I have to go, baby,” she told Alex in a soft voice.

“I'll see you soon,” he vowed to her with a wink. She moved away from him and she ran her fingers through her hair before she picked up her bag and headed out of there, as warm as the sunny day outside. She smiled back at him as he shook his head and in turn his hair about: he showed her his slender neck and his beautiful pale skin all the while. The little tuft of gray over his forehead seemed to glimmer even under the dim light there.

“If you see Aurora again,” he said, still in a husky voice, “you should talk to her.”

“You think so?” she asked him, and he nodded at her.

“You really should.”

“Okay, baby.” She flashed him a wink before she ducked out of there. She spotted Ruben at the far end of the hallway there, and his face lit up at the sight of her.

“There you are!”

She greeted him with a hug and a little pat on the cheek. Ruben treated her to lunch at the bistro next door: they sat there on the porch which overlooked a small stretch of grass, still lush and green with the onset of springtime all around them. While he was inside there, she spotted Zetro and the guys from Exodus on the far side of the grass. She noticed something round and orange over their heads. She knew she had to see more of them as well.

Zetro lifted his right leg and chucked the Frisbee from underneath his thigh to a few kids on the far side. The Frisbee landed on the grass not even a foot away from him and they all burst laughing at that. Sam propped her chin up on the palm of her hand and watched them.

A woman stepped onto the porch right before her, and she recognized that head of black hair and those Korean features. She looked exhausted. It didn't help matters that her belly protruded out so massively at that point, such that her blouse struggled to stay over the roundest part.

“God, Aurora's huge already,” Sam remarked to herself. “She looks like she just ate a whole turkey.” She chuckled at that, but then she thought about what Alex had told her before. She knew what he meant by that: he had forgotten the whole thing between her and Aurora, which meant it was time for her. She took off her sunglasses and Aurora flashed a glimpse over at her before she stepped inside of there.

Her blouse was tight up top and Sam struggled to fathom how she could get any bigger.

“Aurora—” Sam started and she dropped her gaze down to her big belly. She looked as though she was ready to give birth any second there as she pressed a hand to the small of her back.

“Sam,” she greeted back to her.

“C'mere,” Sam coaxed her.

Aurora kept that one hand on top and her other hand on the small of her back. She was enormous and Sam tried to think about her pregnant with her daughters.

“When are you due?” Sam asked her, much to her surprise.

“You know, I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you asked,” she said.

“Really?” Sam glanced over her shoulder as if someone listened in on them.

“I'm due next month, actually,” Aurora continued, “although—” She ran her other hand over her belly. “—it feels like it could be way sooner than that. I'm having a son.”

“Aw, that's cool.”

“You're about to say hello to Theodore Samuel Young-St. Vitus,” she added, to which Sam gasped.

“Samuel!”

Aurora nodded her head and Sam lunged for her with her arms wide open: her breasts were snug and so tight, and her belly rose out before her, as hard as a rock, and yet it felt like hugging her mother. The first time she had hugged her in so long. Those old wounds, while still raw, could heal from the mere sound of his name.

“It's the least I can do,” Aurora explained. “I really feel terrible for having been such a bad friend to you after Emile and I got married. It's my way of apologizing to you as well as thanking you for being such a good friend to me. Being a mom has made me reconsider just about everything, Sam, especially when it comes to my friendships.”

They held one another once again and Sam was about to leak out even more tears.

“We both went to New York from here in California,” she recalled with a slight break in her voice; she moved back again for another look into Aurora's face, round and glowing with the life within her.

“You went with the boys where I settled down with a single boy,” she noted, and her face fell at the sound of that.

“Do you ever feel like you could continue with it?” Sam asked her with a sniffle.

“Somewhat,” she confessed, “although I can't imagine not being a mother, though. I love my daughters and I already love Teddy—”

The door swung open and Ruben stepped back out onto the porch with a root beer float in either hand. Zetro said something on the far side of the grass right then, something about Exodus' new album being about women and children first; Aurora backed up from him.

“Oh, my god, those look good,” she remarked as he took his seat across from Sam.

“Sam's mother always wanted ice cream when she was pregnant, too,” Ruben joked. Aurora kept one hand on her lower back as she headed inside for something. Sam picked up her glass and held it out as to give a toast.

“To our boys, Testament,” she said.

“To our boys,” Ruben echoed, and they clinked their glasses together. Sam sipped through the red and white striped straw right then.

“Aurora's a trooper,” he noted. “When your mom was about to have you, she had lots of energy. Even the day she gave birth to you, it was like nothing was about to slow her down.” He shook his head. “Not gonna lie to you, Sam. I miss your mom sometimes.”

“What's done is done, though,” she said.

“What's done is done, right. It's a new chapter of life.”

“She's having a little boy,” she told him, “and they're naming him Theodore Samuel Young-St. Vitus.”

Ruben raised his eyebrows at that.

“His middle name is gonna be Samuel!” he exclaimed, and Sam couldn't help but choke up at that.

“She's naming her kid after me,” she sputtered, and Ruben stood up and held her close to him. She sniffled and brushed a tear from her eye. “Teddy. He's gonna be named Teddy, too.”

“I just think of teddy bears,” Ruben confessed, “or better yet—graham crackers.”

Sam thought about Alex right then. She thought of running her hand down the small of his back and she pressed herself closer to his body. Still soft despite having reached his twenties and having lost enough weight to where he was so thin. Soft like a teddy bear himself.

Holding Aurora close to her body made her want to hold onto him even more as she gave her father a big hug.

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kat-katsuki · 3 years

Text

Failed Attempts | Iwaizumi x Reader Oneshot

Word Count: 3162

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He carried a vibe around him. And it's intimidating. He's really quiet and focused in class, but he's not the best student. He's quite popular with the boys, but for some reason girls just never really notice him, especially not when he's always around that guy. Iwaizumi Hajime is someone I'd classify as an undiscovered gem. Girls don't seem to see his charm, and they never seem to notice the bright light he's capable of giving off.

As always I sit at the back of class, glancing constantly at the raven haired boy as he scribbled things down into his notebook during math. I've noticed him since the first day I met him, back in our first year of high school. I sat right behind him, but I never talked to him.

He's always busy, I noticed. He's either reading something, talking to someone, or going somewhere. I see him so often, even outside of class. I'd see him on my way to club, he'd be heading to his own club. I'd see him on my way home; he only lives a few blocks away from me. Even though I see him so often, I never actually sat down and talked with him...

Oikawa-san is pretty friendly, he'd greet me whenever we walk by each other in the hall. And whenever I am greeted by Oikawa-san, Iwaizumi would also nod at me. Even though that's a typical 'oh I noticed you' response, every time it happens I somehow get super happy. I don't know what makes him so interesting to me. To be honest I just enjoy watching him completely destroy other boys in arm wrestling, or produce a god-like record in running 1 km, or even be asked to join all the sports team. Around my second year of high school I realized I want to talk to him. It was the first day of our second semester and god granted me this golden chance. First day of the semester we get new seats, and I happened to sit right next to him, to his left. "Good morning Iwaizumi-kun," I greeted, and thank god my voice didn't crack.

"Oh, hi," Iwaizumi replied. Say something, start a conversation, I told myself.

"Long time no see," I made out.

"Mmhm, long time no see," he replied. Good job, great way to start a conversation, I slapped myself in my head. It didn't take me long to realize that Iwaizumi, despite being the vice captain of the volleyball team and always surrounded by boys, is actually quite the introvert. He enjoys his silence, and he likes lone time, which I heard from Oikawa. I'm not really familiar with either of them, but if I had to say who I'm closer to, it'd definitely be Oikawa. He walked with me from class to my club a few times, just to tell me how sad he is that the coach doesn't let him play due to his injuries.

Of course, my attempts to talk to Iwaizumi didn't stop there. After class, I wanted to invite him to eat lunch with me. But the moment I opened my mouth, "Iwa-chan, let's go eat lunch together!" Oikawa called out from the other side of the room. And then all the other volleyball team members would miraculously show up. I nodded my head, Okay, guess that's that. In the end, I ate lunch with my other friends.

From time to time I'd see him in the halls or on the street, but he always seem like he's in a hurry to go somewhere, so I couldn't really bring myself to interrupt his journey. There was once I saw him down the hall on my way to the cafeteria, and since it was lunch time and he was alone I figured I'd invite him to lunch. "Hey, Iwaizumi-kun!" I greeted. "Where are you headed?"

"Oh I'm going to the teacher's office," he said.

"Oh, is that so, well have fun, I guess," I waved and left. Yeah.....so much for inviting him to lunch.....

A few weeks later, after my club activities, I'm in the art club by the way, I saw Iwaizumi walk out of his club room with Oikawa, ready to go home. I was so ready at that time. I gathered up my courage. Today is the day. Today I'm going to ask them if we could walk home together. Then I could talk to Iwaizumi. "Hey! You guys heading home too?" I called out.

"Oh hey!" Oikawa noticed me and waved back, big smile on his face. Bless him for his friendliness. I know people call him a playboy, or whatever, but to me he is a god given blessing, my key to approaching Iwaizumi.

"Oikawa, I'm gonna go to Kitagawa right now, I'll see you tomorrow," Iwaizumi said. I stood there speechless. If I remembered correctly, Kitagawa Daiichi is the middle school the two came from, but what business does Iwaizumi have with his middle school? Especially at eight in the evening!

"Okay, I'll see you then!" Oikawa waved at his best friend.

"Bye!" I said to Iwaizumi. He shot me a faint smile. Although it was just one out of courtesy, it killed me inside out. God why is he so handsome? And that smile of his...just unfair! And I watched him leave...again....

"So, wanna go home together? We're in the same direction right?" Oikawa offered.

"Oh yeah, sure!" I replied instantly, hiding my disappointment. To be fair, Oikawa is fun, definitely someone I enjoy being around. He knows how to start a conversation, and is really open and funny. He's slightly arrogant, but that only adds to his charm. I totally understand why girls like him, not just for his face. Either way though, I only see him as a pretty cool friend.

This leaves me wondering, why is it so hard to talk to Iwaizumi?! Every time I see him, he's there and then he's gone, off to do something. It's not that I don't try to talk to him, it's just I don't want to be obvious and I don't want to be rude. When he's talking to someone else, I can't just go in and invite myself into the conversation just to talk to Iwaizumi.... No.... I can't.

Originally I was interested in him as a person, and a possible love interest, since you know...I'm interested. However at this point he just became a challenge I wanted to overcome. I'm actually the type to try to overcome anything I find an obstacle, and at this point I just want to sit down and talk to him, in a real conversation about things like what he likes and what he does on his free time, things like that. I won't be satisfied with things like 'oh isn't the weather nice' NO! I'm. Going. To. Talk. To. Iwaizumi. Period!

Of course, what I decide and what I do doesn't quite line up on the same page....

"Hey~..... Akane-chan!" I walk past Iwaizumi who was in a conversation with Matsukawa, from class 1, and greet my friend from middle school. Akane-chan and I haven't talked much since high school started so she was surprised to hear me call out to her out of the blue, but we ended up chatting up on our lives and catching up. In the end we even ate lunch together and decided to hang out more often. Wow...I even tightened my relationship with an old friend.... And I still haven't talked to Iwaizumi....

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. Now, we were in our third and final year. I'm at the stage where if we see each other we'll say hi and bye. That's an improvement....right? At least now he says hi to me without me initiating it.... But then he turns and leaves soon after that, and goes where he needs to go.

"Why are you so obsessed with Iwaizumi? In my point of view I think Oikawa is much better looking," Akane asked during lunch. We were sitting in the courtyard, eating our bentos. Yes, I actually became much closer to her due to my failed attempt of talking to Iwaizumi, she knows this now.

"I don't know, I just can't seem to stop. Ever since day 1 I've been trying to talk to him and fate just doesn't want me to apparently!" I said. "Plus, I don't see Oikawa that way. He's cool and all but not my type. I like someone more... Interesting."

"Like Iwaizumi."

"Well......yeah?" I nodded in an unsure way. Now that I think about it, I wouldn't quite describe the boy as interesting. Sure he's got some quirks, but they're quite typical for a boy, and plus since he's always with the oh so great Oikawa Toru, he just seems kinda plain if you think about it. However, despite all that, he always leaves me wondering what's on his mind. I'm always thinking about where he's going next, where the place that takes him away from me is. I'm always questioning how he's going to respond to my next attempt to talk to him. Iwaizumi Hajime is the boy that keeps me on the tip of my toes. "Yeah," I decided. "Yeah, like Iwaizumi."

"Honestly, I don't even know what to say," Akane chuckled. "Good luck I guess?"

"To be honest I don't even have any hope for a chance with him. I just want to fucking talk to him! Is that so hard?!" I groaned.

I even started going to his games. Seijou is quite the volleyball powerhouse so plenty of our students go to watch the volleyball game. I made it my own duty to go watch his games whenever I can. I gotta say, he really looks best when he's in that volleyball jersey. I love seeing him in that number 4. The way he jumps into the air and smashes down the ball with those muscular arms, whoa. The more I watch him the more obsessed I get. Next time I see him I'm definitely going to say something about his performance in the game.

"Hey Iwaizumi-kun, I saw your game. You were great!" I would say to him.

"Thanks! Hey I didn't know you like volleyball?" he'd say back to me.

"Well, yeah I'm actually quite the volleyball fan, but I don't know much about it."

"Wow, you should watch our practice some time."

"I'd love to. Maybe we could walk home together after your practice and you can tell me some more about volleyball?"

"Sure!"

Yes, that's how it's going to work.

The next day I walk into class, he hasn't arrived yet. I sat my stuff down and started replaying my conversation in my head. And finally, the door slides open and a familiar raven haired boy walks in. His had dark circles under his eyes and he seemed to drag himself into the classroom. I hesitated, but I still went up to him and said, "Iwaizumi-kun, I saw your game yesterday. Great job!"

"Oh, thanks," he said and then went to his seat. O...kay...... Not how I imagined it would go. It seemed kind of inappropriate at the time to continue the conversation, so I just decided to go back to my seat. That was embarrassing....

I just can't seem to find the right time and way to talk to him.

Then came what seemed like the chance of my life. Akane and I were sitting in a cafe on the weekend, staring at the menu, and that's when we heard a pleasant voice, "Hey you guys are here too!" Oikawa and Iwaizumi walked over to us from the cafe front door. Of course it was Oikawa greeting us.

"Hey! What a coincidence!" Akane said, excitement in her voice. I could guess the reason behind her excitement. She was probably happy for me, and this god given chance. Knowing that I'd probably screw it up, she was determined to grab this chance for me. "Sit with us! Here for lunch?" Bless her.

"Yeah! Come on Iwa-chan," Oikawa and Iwaizumi sat down at our table. Akane invited Oikawa to sit on her side, leaving Iwaizumi to sit with me. Oh my god..... This is my chance! But what do I do?! I haven't planned anything beforehand...

"Hey, Iwaizumi-kun. Fancy seeing you here!" I mustered out.

"Yeah, didn't think I'd see you here," he replied nonchalantly. Okay, how am I going to respond to that?

"Um, yeah, I actually quite like this place. I come here occasionally," I said.

"Let's order something to eat," Oikawa said. I was thankful for the fact that Oikawa was here. Even though he always seems to take Iwaizumi away when I want to talk to him, he always seems to get me out of an awkward situation with Iwaizumi.

"Actually, I'm not hungry, I'm gonna go now," Iwaizumi stood up.

"Eh? But Iwa-chan, you were the one who was complaining about how hungry you were!" Oikawa said. My eyes widened and I turned to Iwaizumi, who was now towering over our table, cheeks slightly flushed.

"Shut up! Well I'm not hungry anymore, I'll leave now," Iwaizumi said. Huh? But why? Is it because I'm here? Does he not wanna be with me? Is that why he leaves every time I talk to him? Before I could ask him, he started walking out the cafe. I opened my mouth to call his name, but instead I just looked at Akane. According to her later on when I asked, I looked like it was the end of the world at that time.

"Go after him!" she shouted at me, as if it was the obvious thing to do like brush your teeth in the morning. Instantly, I dashed off. I ran out the cafe and sprinted towards Iwaizumi. The familiar silhouette looked unnaturally painful to me. I'm so used to seeing him turn his back on me, but this time, I didn't want to stare at him from behind anymore.

"Iwaizumi-kun!" I shouted as I finally grabbed him by the edge of his sleeve. The boy's dark brown eyes widened at me and my actions. "Are you leaving because of me?! Do you dislike me?!" Now his face went blank in disbelief. Suddenly, he was the one who became flustered.

"No! No! Of course not! You're great! How could I dislike you!? I just thought you'd like it if I left you with Oikawa," Iwaizumi said, violently shaking his hand, signally no.

"What? Why would you think that?!" I demanded, slightly appalled by the idea.

"Well, don't you like him?"

"No! What makes you think that?"

"I mean, all girls do. And he seems to like you quite a bit. You guys talk to each other a lot. He even mentions you during practice sometimes. I figure you guys are-"

"Hold it! Hold it! I don't like Oikawa any more than a friend! In fact the person I like is you, not him!" I just blurted things out like an idiot. I quickly slapped my hand over my mouth when I realized that I just confessed to him, out of the blue. That was the thing I swore I wouldn't do. I'm supposed to get to know him, have him get to know me and get him to like me and then confess when I'm sure of his feelings for me. Ugh. Now I just ruined it. Goodbye my chance of ever being together with Iwaizumi. He thinks of me as a creep now.

However, Iwaizumi's reaction was out of my expectations, as always. Instead of showing disgust and horror, his face was flushed red with embarrassment and surprise. He placed a hand in front of his face, as if to hide the blush on his cheeks, but unfortunately the shade has already reached his ears and neck. "O-Oh..." he mustered out after a while. Oh? I just confessed to you and you say 'oh?' I thought. "Um...I'm sorry..." Great, now he's gonna reject me. "I didn't know. I guess I'm kind of clueless when it comes to this..." Ugh...please just reject me already don't keep me hanging. "Um...is it okay if we get to know each other a little bit better first?"

"Huh?" I asked, confused.

"I think I should get to know you better...before I give you a reply," Iwaizumi said, face still red as a tomato. I think that's so cute. "Is that okay?"

"Y-...Yes! Yes of course!" I nodded violently. "I'd love that!"

"O...Okay," he seemed to be getting more and more embarrassed at the moment.

"Iwaizumi-kun, could it be...this is your first confession?" I asked. Jackpot. His ears were literally emitting steam now. A smile made its way to my lips. I was already enjoying this side of him. I want to get to know him more, to see more sides of him. "Then, maybe we can start with lunch together?"

"A-Alright...." he nodded.

For the record we didn't go back to the cafe with Akane and Oikawa. We completely forgot about them and decided to go somewhere else, somewhere more....private. With that, we began to talk regularly, exchange texts, and I'd come to watch his practice and games with him noticing.

As if we were always that close, Iwaizumi and I started calling each other by first name basis. And we'd eat lunch together, go home together (with Oikawa) and even hang out on weekends. To be honest I was kind of satisfied with the way we are. Even if in the end he told me he didn't see me as a lover, I'd still be okay with it. Of course, if he said yes and became my boyfriend, I'd be happier than a mouse with cheese.

And so the day came. It was the December 23rd, Friday. I walked out of club that day after school, and there he stood, in front of my club room, as if waiting for me. "Hajime," I called out. He looked up, brown orbs meeting mine. His look told me that he was serious. At that point my heart dropped a little. I knew today was the day. It was the day that would decide whether we'd stay as friends, or god would answer my prayers. I gulped.

"I'm here to give my answer to you," he said to me.

"I'm ready," I told him.

He walked up to me, each step he took made my heart feel heavier and heavier. My breathing literally stopped when he was finally in front of me. He towered over me like a wolf over a rabbit. It was to be expected from a volleyball player such as himself. At that moment, however, he looked the most intimidating out of all the moments I've seen him. A breath, and he parted his lips. I closed my eyes, squeezing them shut, bracing myself for what is to come.

"I love you, __________."

A/N: If you like my story, feel free to checkout my wattpad account!

https://www.wattpad.com/user/midnight0406

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flame-shadow · 3 years

Text

im just rambling vaguely about personal art goals!

i really really need to work on shapes and stylizing things. i fall back into a very comfortable style which! is fine and natural! but I'd like to explore more. it's just harrrddd because it doesn't feel right and since im not good at it yet, it doesn't look good to my eyes. while understandable, it's frustrating. so confronting this and overcoming it is something i'd like to work on. on top of literally everything else art-related that i try to assign myself. ack, someone stop me. I see other artists who make it look so easy, and it makes me want to try so it's easier for me too.

art is a journey with infinite paths. i wish i had more feet to explore more paths at the same time haha. Maybe I'll do some research and make this one of my main goals next year. this year was/is color, and i can tell im doing better at that! Not that i don't have a lot i could still work on with color, but considering how i felt about color last year, i'm taking what ive managed as a win. I breached some mental block and gained confidence in my color usage. also found some new brushes to use for digital art. also my working with color bled from digital to traditional art, so like, hell yeah. art skillz.

I make a point of not trying to push myself too much with art. I feel like yeah, i COULD get better faster if i buckled down more. but also... it's a hobby. i would much rather go more slowly than burn myself out and make something so integral to my being something i can't stand doing. one or two big goals a year is what works for me. one year it was drawing faster. one year it was doing more traditional art. this year it was/is colors. there are other things i work on or end up improving on throughout, but i let that flow organically.

hey i warned you this was a ramble

many things i could work on. many things i want to work on. only so much time, energy, focus, motivation to get to the things. if ive gotta be alive and since im able to draw, this is what i do and will continue to do. it's the one constant in my life, the thing that i stuck with for so many years when my art looked So Bad and i thought i'd never improve. but i finally did, and that success continues to drive me forward

#hey did you know that one time my mom said she didn't think i'd ever actually get good at art?#thankfully she told me this after i'd finally started to show some improvement in high school but she still thought it for years before #remember that art is a skill that you build over time just like you have to get good at a sport or whatever #set a goal you know or feel fairly certain you can achieve. reach that goal and feel good about it #it's okay to not be high achieving on your hobby #rambling

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lunetheaveragefan · 3 years

Text

one day...

Finally, Chapter 5 is here! It’s been so long lol. I know I said it would be out last Monday, but finals week and the new semester were crazy and I kept forgetting to queue it up! This chapter does deal with some more serious topics, so please be mindful of that (more info in the warnings down below). Anyway, here it is! I hope you all like it! (Also I think I’ll be posting chapters once every other Monday, so hopefully I’ll remember to stick to that!)

A Sander Sides high school AU

Pairing: Prinxiety and some background Logicality

Summary: Virgil is used to being alone. He only has one friend, Logan. But when Logan makes a new friend, things begin to change as two more join their group. Roman, a boisterous theater kid, seems determined to destroy Virgil’s lonely, average life. How much will Virgil’s life change?

Warnings: Bullying; homophobia and homophobic slurs; description/scene of a panic attack; and swearing. (If there’s anything else, let me know!)

Word Count: 1678 words

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CHAPTER FIVE

Virgil expected it to be a normal day.

There were no signs that it was going to be important, so why would he think that it would be anything other than ordinary? Ever since Roman had joined them at the cafe, things had been going on as normal except for how he and Roman were actually talking now and then. And even that he’d gotten used to.

The day before, Roman and Patton had come to the cafe again, and Virgil was actually glad they did. Patton was still a ray of sunshine, but Roman seemed to be getting better. Or maybe he had been better all along, and Virgil was just now realizing it. Either way, things were changing, but not much and not necessarily in a bad way.

Yes, things were going good in Virgil’s world.

That morning, Virgil got up at 6:45, right on time, and dressed in black jeans, a Panic! shirt, and his favorite sweatshirt. While checking his phone, he walked downstairs for breakfast. He ate his cereal and then went back upstairs to brush his teeth and finish getting ready. After making sure he had everything he needed for the day, he headed out, his mom’s voice telling him to have a good day from somewhere in the house. He drove to school without incident, although his usual parking spot was taken, so he had to park a few spots farther away. Logan was standing by his locker when he got to school, like usual. Just like every other day, they walked to class together, and afterwards, parted their separate ways: Logan to chemistry and Virgil to art.

Things went according to the norm, following the routine that Virgil knew well. Life could’ve been a little more interesting, but then again, he didn’t find it entirely unpleasant. Even when Tommy and Timmy Wallace started making fun of him, it wasn’t that out of the blue. They had taken Roman’s place as the local asshole when he stopped being a bully at the beginning of high school and were set on making Virgil’s life hell.

Virgil’s standing at his locker, digging through his stuff, looking for a folder when Tommy sneers, “Oh, look, Timmy! It’s the emo cock-sucker.” Behind him, he hears Timmy laugh. Heaving a sigh, Virgil turns around, slamming his locker shut, only to find the twins almost nose-to-nose with him. Well, they would’ve been if Virgil wasn’t a whole head shorter than them.

Glaring at them, Virgil says, “Get out of my way.” He’s carefully controlling his anger, making sure that he doesn’t explode. That would do no good.

“Aww, is poor baby Viwgil getting angwy?” Timmy mocks in a baby voice. He jabs his twin in the side, laughing. Tommy jabs him back. Unconsciously, Virgil’s hands ball into fists. You can’t get angry. You gotta relax. C’mon, Virgil. He grits his teeth, but because he was frustrated at himself, not angry at the twins.

Unfortunately, Timmy notices the actions and points it out.

“Ahah! Are you gonna fight us, Virgil? Think you can win? Huh?” Timmy is up in Virgil’s face, so close, Virgil can see his spit flying everywhere when he talks.

Ignoring them, Virgil pushes past and starts walking down the hall. I can’t win. It’s a shot at his pride to walk away, but there’s no way he can beat the two star football players in a fight. I just have to ignore it. Virgil’s had a lot of experience being made fun of, but it never gets easier to face. It just gets easier to ignore.

“Hey!” A hand grabs Virgil by the elbow. It whirls him around so he can see the twins’ smirking faces. “Where you going, faggot? Thought you wanted a fight. Huh?” Heart racing, breath quickening, Virgil feels the panic building in him. Keep it under control.

“Leave me alone,” he tries to say. Nothing comes out. Virgil can’t tell his body to move. Or walk away. Or do anything. The things running through his brain are going too fast. There, then gone. No, is the only thought that sticks.

Virgil sees their mouths moving, but can’t hear what they’re saying. Everything else is too loud. The pounding of his heart. His breaths, coming much too fast. Students talking, yelling. Lockers slamming. No. No. No, no, no no no nononononono. Why can’t the world just slow down. People bump into him. Every time, he flinches, drawing inward. Just have to make myself smaller. Timmy and Tommy are still talking. Virgil still can’t hear them.

“Timmy! Stop!” a voice calls. This, Virgil hears. A hand reaches out to turn the boys away from Virgil. The only thing visible is wavy brown hair and tan skin. The twin’s shoulders block out everything else. He doesn’t know who it is. Doesn’t care who it is.

In four, he thinks, breathing in deeply. Hold 6. Out 7. He lets the air out in a cascade. Before he can begin hyperventilating again, he repeats the exercise. The noise of the hallway is too loud. His breathing won’t slow down. Come on, Virgil! Goddammit! Get it under control!

The twins are still wrapped up in their conversation with Roman Princeford. He must’ve been the voice. But Virgil doesn’t have time to wonder why Roman stood up for him. Not while tears are flooding his eyes. Not while he’s fighting them back. Not while the din of the hallway is crashing around him. Not now.

Virgil hurries out of the main part of the hallway and stands by the door to a janitor’s closet. The walls turn, forming an indent around where the door is, and feels almost like a shield. Trembling hands pull his headphones from his bag and slide them on his head. Tears blur his vision and his fingers shake as he fumbles for the video he’s trying to find.

Finally, he finds it. The soothing sound of pouring rain fills his head. Soft piano drifts in the background. Dropping his phone on the ground and closing his eyes, Virgil pictures the rain streaking down a window. Slow and soothing and familiar. In 4, hold 6, out 7. Little by little, he starts to calm down, heartbeat returning to its normal pace, breaths slowing until the dizziness goes away.

He doesn’t know how long it’s been since he sat on the floor, but there’s a gentle tap on his shoulder. When he opens his eyes, Roman looks concerned. Pulling his headphones around his neck, Virgil begins to stand.

“Are you o—Are you doing better?” Roman asks, looking almost awkward. Even though Roman helped him, Virgil almost scoffs. Of course I'm not okay, dumbass. He does have to give him credit for switching his words, though. And some part of Virgil doesn’t blame Roman for being so awkward. It’s a strange situation to be in. One Virgil wants to get out of. And fast.

“I’m fine. I need to get to class,” he responds, voice tense and snippy. The bell hasn’t rung yet, but it will soon, and Mrs. Bartleman’s classroom is far away from Virgil’s locker. He slings his bag over his shoulder and leans down to grab his folder.

Papers spill out over the ground, and Virgil realizes, too late, that he grabbed the folder on the bottom. Dropping to his knees to pick it up, he grits his teeth in frustration. A groan slips from his throat.

“What are you doing?” he snaps at Roman, who’d bent down to help.

“Picking your things up,” Roman replies, looking at Virgil, seeming puzzled. Refusing to look at him, Virgil reaches out to grab more paper. He is sorry for being so rude to Roman just now, but his annoyance at Roman constantly trying to be the knight in shining armor combined with his embarrassment at what happened earlier doesn’t help his temper.

“The bell is going to ring soon. You’re going to be late for class.”

Roman must realize that Virgil’s trying to get him to leave because he stands up, leaving his stack of papers on the ground.

“Right. I should be going.” There’s something almost like hurt in Roman’s voice. Virgil looks up on instinct. Roman’s face is crestfallen, mouth turned downward, eyes sad. Guilt pangs through Virgil’s chest yet again when he sees. He almost takes his words back, but Roman turns away before he can. The metallic sound of the bell echoes throughout the hallway.

“Fuck,” Virgil mumbles, reaching out to finish picking up.

Once the rest of the papers are back in his folder, Virgil stands up. He stares at Roman’s back, far down the hallway, distance increasing the longer he waits. The regret and guilt swirl into a knot in his stomach. Biting his lip, he takes a chance.

“Roman!” he yells, jogging down the hall. Roman turns around, and Virgil stops, even though there’s still a few feet between them. “Why did you stand up for me?” He steels himself for the worst. What if he blows you off? What if he says that he only did it to draw more attention to you? He takes the small amount of anger he still has left and directs it at the doubt. The thoughts, thankfully, shut up.

Roman scratches the back of his head and says, “It’s kind of a long story…” He looks up at a clock on the wall, frowning. After a second, his face lights up. “You have A lunch, right?” Virgil nods. “I’ll tell you then. My class is switching so we don’t have to go to lunch right in the middle of our test.”

“O-okay,” Virgil stutters out, still wondering if he’s going to regret this. He’s still unsure if Roman actually means well, or if it’s just a long ploy that will end in Virgil being hurt. But I suppose it doesn’t hurt to ask why he stood up for me.

And the crooked smile Roman gives Virgil right before turning and jogging away to class makes the risk almost worth it.

#virgil sanders #roman sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #thomas sanders #prinxiety #logicality #sander sides #high school au #fanfiction #fanfic #one day...

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