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k-s-morgan · 4 years

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Will’s vs. Hannibal’s Ways of Expressing Love

The fact that Hannibal loves Will and is in love with him is openly stated in the show several times. Will’s feelings, on the other hand, are more ambiguous, which is why some viewers often doubt whether Hannibal’s love is reciprocated. I think that exploring the ways these two men experience and react to love can explain the varying degrees of their openness about it.

I’ll put TLDR right here: Hannibal is more open about himself and his feelings, including love, hence he doesn’t have many challenges with admitting it. Will is closed off, stiff, and emotionally repressed, so he expresses his feelings in a much more subtle way.

Let’s start with Hannibal. Details about his past are scarce, but we know that he admits to loving two people throughout his life, his sister and Will.

E3 of S3.

*Bedelia: What your sister made you feel was beyond your conscious ability to control or predict … I would suggest what Will Graham makes you feel is not dissimilar. A force of mind and circumstance.*

*Hannibal: Love.*

Undoubtedly, Hannibal’s love for Mischa was traumatic and unhealthy. He loved her so much that he ate a part of her body after she was killed, devastated by this loss. But it was still love that made him feel all the related emotions, so Hannibal has some experience with it. From what we know of him, he has a very broad mind. He despises limitations and overcomes them, and he is not ashamed of who he is. He isn’t embarrassed to cry in the opera or to be the first to stand up and applaud; he delights in stereotypically ‘feminine’ hobbies like cooking and clothes selection; he draws fan-art and openly expresses his admiration when it’s due. For this reason, Hannibal doesn’t have many problems with expressing love either.

Upon meeting Will, he is immediately drawn to him. He sees him as his potential partner and decides he wants to try and build a family with him as early as E2 of S1. That’s when he starts planting the idea of Abigail being their shared daughter in Will’s mind. He does the same to Abigail, urging her to see him and Will as her parents, even giving her shrooms to evoke the desired associations (unsuccessfully since Will doesn’t come to dinner). So, Hannibal acknowledged his pull/infatuation with Will from the very start, and he acted on it right away.

It’s not 100% love at this point, but Hannibal still easily follows his emotions. He doesn’t stop to consider how strange it is to want a family with a man he just met; he doesn’t agonize over the idea of how his life has more risks now that he allows another human being to know him. When these feelings progress at the end of S1/start of S2, Hannibal is finally taken aback. While he never planned to leave Will in prison and it was a part of his plan, he still didn’t expect to miss him so much — he admits it to Bedelia, looking forlorn, in E1 of S2. He repeatedly pines for Will by sitting in front of his chair at the time of his supposed appointment, glancing at the clock despite knowing Will is not going to come. This is a shift to an actual love, but Hannibal still doesn’t fight it. On the contrary, he embraces it, and he spends the entire S2 doing repeatedly romantic gestures for Will. Namely:

1) Protects Abigail to reunite Will with her later.

2) Shares a part of himself he doesn’t seem to have ever shared with anyone else. He talks to Will about Mischa, reveals his views on murder and God, acknowledges he cared about Abigail, and shows vulnerability. He shares his teacup ritual with him, which is something precious and deeply personal.

3) He digs up fake Freddie’s corpse and decorates it as a way of courting Will (as directly said by Alana).

4) He draws a fan-art of himself and Will as Achilles and Patroclus.

5) He is ready to abandon his well-established life in Baltimore and reputation to run away with Will. In Hannibal’s view, no one truly suspects him and there is no evidence against him, but Will is in danger. So he’s willing to discard everything he’s been building for 20 years for him.

Finally, he calls Will a loved one more or less directly in E13 of S2 (in fact, he implies that they both love each other).

*Hannibal: Do you know what an imago is, Will? … An imago is an image of a loved one buried in the unconscious, carried with us all our lives.*

*Will: An ideal.*

*Hannibal: The concept of an ideal... I have a concept of you, just as you have a concept of me.*

Will hurts him with his betrayal, and Hannibal still finds himself unable to kill him. He is openly crying in the finale, admitting how Will hurt him, breaks his (and his own) heart by killing Abigail, and flees to Europe to start a new life. But things don’t go as he hoped they would. Bedelia is not a worthy substitute, and Hannibal is increasingly slipping into a self-destructive state because of his love for Will. He kills Anthony, who was an improved copy of Will, and turns him into a Valentine heart for him. Again, this is a very explicit and open emotional action. Hannibal doesn’t hide his feelings. He’s an emotional wreck with Bedelia in E3, and as they are talking about Will, he admits he’s in love with him.

*Hannibal: You cannot control with respect to whom you fall in love.*

Bedelia points out his self-destructiveness.

*Bedelia: You're going to get caught. It's already been set into motion … I know exactly how I will be navigating my way out of whatever it is I’ve gotten myself into. Do you?*

After Hannibal keeps spiraling and kills Sogliato, she adds: *You're drawing them to you, aren't you? All of them.*

Hannibal gets so self-destructive over Will that he lets Jack beat himself almost to death, not even attempting to fight him. The first words he says to Will after they reunite in E6 are:

*Hannibal: If I saw you every day forever, Will, I would remember this time.*

He’s a romantic. The courtship, the Valentine heart, the romance — Hannibal did have some struggles, but overall, he accepts these feelings and isn’t afraid to act on them.

When Will pulls a knife in E6, Hannibal classifies it as another betrayal. This is where he decides to kill and eat him in the hope to put an end to this misery (which is what he and Bedelia discussed back in E3). However, even blinded by another heartbreak, Hannibal tries to save Will at the same time. He knows the police are coming and he puts off the moment of sawing for as long as he can, first fussing over Will and his wound, then waiting for Jack, then doing everything slowly as hell.

Everything changes in E7, when Hannibal faces the real risk of losing Will and comes to terms with the fact that a hope of life with him is better than life without him. So Hannibal carries Will home bridal-style, takes care of him, waits for him to wake up and writes formulas to reverse time. He directly tells Will that Will won, and that he, Hannibal, is at Will’s mercy.

*Hannibal: Your memory palace is building. It's full of new things. It shares some rooms with my own. I've discovered you there. Victorious.*

He gives himself up, sacrificing the freedom he’s been fighting for back in E2 finale, in the hope that one day, Will is going to come back to him. After this, Hannibal is all about Will, with all his heart. Throughout the second half of S3, he says things like, *“I gave you a child. You are family, Will. Was it good to see me?”*, etc. He agrees to risk his life by agreeing to Will’s plan, knowing he’s planning something but not knowing what and if he’d die in the process. In E13, Hannibal says:

*Hannibal: "No greater love hath man than to lay down his life for a friend"* and shields Will from the bullet. Later, he allows Will to push them both down, and he stays with him afterward.

Conclusion: Hannibal is very accepting of himself, so he doesn’t undergo severe challenges on the path to acknowledging what he feels for Will. He knows what love feels like because he felt it for Mischa before, so he embraces loving Will pretty quickly, even though he doesn’t know how to best approach it at times. That’s why we get direct and explicit confirmation of his feelings several times.

Now, on to Will.

Unlike with Hannibal, there is no evidence that Will has ever experienced love before (at least love for people). We know he had a father and was lonely as a child.

E4 of S1.

*Will: We were poor. I followed my father from the boat yards in Biloxi and Greenville to lake boats on Erie.*

*Hannibal: Always the new boy at school? Always the stranger?*

*Will: Always.*

His choice of words indicates that his relationship with his father wasn’t all that good (for instance, *I followed my father* instead of *My father and I had to…*). So, it doesn’t look like Will ever had meaningful connections. More than that, he says:

*Will: There’s something so foreign about family. Like an ill-fitting suit. Never connected to the concept.*

We can suggest that he doesn’t know what love is or how it feels like. From E1, we know he isolates himself because he hates himself for who he is: he understands he’s different, that there is darkness in him, but he desperately tries to subdue it and deny this fact. He’s rude, twitchy, and unhappy, but like Hannibal, he understands the extent of his loneliness only upon meeting him. That’s when he tries forming relationships with others.

Will’s relationships with Alana and Abigail are a good indication of his problems with love. He wants to be with Alana because he needs to feel normal. In 99% of cases, he remembers about her only when she comes to seek him out first. He kisses her for the first time at the moment of particular vulnerability, fearing that he’s finally losing his mind (in E8). When Hannibal calls him out on it, Will doesn’t deny it and semi-nods. He actually had to agree with it verbally according to the script.

*Will: I feel unstable.*

*Hannibal: That’s why you kissed her. A clutch for balance.*

*Will: Because I’m losing mine.*

So, it’s not that Will feels romantic love for Alana — he uses her because he desperately needs to feel like everyone else. Alana is a pretty, smart, normal woman who fits this goal perfectly. He doesn’t allow himself to be genuine with her unlike he does with Hannibal, to whom he opens up.

Will confesses to Hannibal that he loved killing Hobbs in E2, which got him down and made him panic. Hannibal supports him, and Will keeps coming back to him. He talks about everything important with Hannibal, opening parts of himself that he guards from everyone else. Will asks Hannibal to look after his dogs as early as E4 — he doesn’t have other friends, and he’s already focused on Hannibal. He buys into an idea of having a family with him and Abigail, which is amazing for Will, who has just said he could never relate to the concept of family.

When Will buys a gift for Abigail in the same E4 and freaks out, Hannibal asks him:

*Hannibal: Feeling paternal, Will?*

Will’s reaction is instant and defensive:

*Will: Aren’t you?*

Hannibal easily says “yes”, which disarms Will. This is a great contrast between them: Hannibal isn’t afraid to talk and acknowledge his feelings while Will is embarrassed of them and shies away from them. In fact, this is a repeat of their conversation in E2.

*Hannibal: You saved Abigail Hobbs' life. You also orphaned her. It comes with certain emotional obligations.*

*Will: You were there. You saved her life, too. Do you feel obligated?*

Again, Will deflects. He’s wary of emotions, especially of admitting them out loud.

Will shows a hint of romantic interest in Hannibal in E7. He brings him a bottle of wine out of blue, but unfortunately, he stumbles upon the party Hannibal is preparing. Hannibal invites him to stay, but Will says he won’t be good company. He’s shy and awkward, smiling nervously and dropping his gaze in embarrassment. Then we have this lovely line:

*Will: I’ve got a date with the Chesapeake Ripper.*

So, in S1, Will makes considerable emotional progress. He realizes he wants a family after all, and while he makes several half-hearted attempts to court Alana, he’s mostly focused on Hannibal and Abigail. He opens himself up to Hannibal, receives official guardianship over Abigail with him, arguably flirts with Hannibal (like in the wine scene above), and covers up murder to protect their family. But then Hannibal betrays him. Will doesn’t know his reasons yet, but this betrayal plunged him into darkness, bitterness, and new stage of emotional repression. It’s worth mentioning another point of Abigail here: in the end, Will doesn’t know her. He spoke to her only several times, and even fewer times were genuine. He loves the idea of her, and this idea was introduced by Hannibal, not by Abigail’s presence. It’s Hannibal who forced Will to confront his need to love and be loved.

In S2, Will is incredibly conflicted. He acknowledges to Hannibal that he hurt him, tries to kill him via Matthew, but when he recognizes that Hannibal wants him as a friend (as spoken in E7), his attitude changes. Will doesn’t plan to forgive him, he’s still angry at Hannibal for killing Abigail (which is his biggest conflict, as evident from his talks with Hannibal himself and Freddie), but now, he can’t bring himself to harm or betray Hannibal.

He gets his first chance in E7, after being released from prison. He threatens Hannibal with a gun and has a perfect chance to make him pay, but he doesn’t. Instead, he conspires with Jack and decides to cultivate co-dependency, creating an environment where only he “and the fish exist” (E8). What does Will do to start? He makes himself physically attractive, grooming and dressing prettily. It’s a seduction on all levels, and Will plans to use emotions to hurt Hannibal back. At the same time, Will admits to being confused over what he feels for Hannibal.

E8 of S2.

*Will: I envy you your hate. Makes it much easier when you know how to feel.*

E9 of S2 (talking about trying to kill Hannibal with Margot).

*Margot: Did he have it coming?*

*Will: What do you think?*

*Margot: I can't say that I know.*

*Will: Neither can I.*

He spends the rest of the season lying to both Hannibal and Jack, unsure whose side to choose, too lost in his own feelings to make sense of them. At the same time, he has a dream where Hannibal calls him beloved in E9. It shows that Will contemplates the idea of love in relation to Hannibal. In E10, Will tries to fantasize about Alana as he’s having sex with Margot. However, he sees the image of Wendigo near the fireplace, Wendigo who he’s used to associating with Hannibal. Two interesting things (copied from my other meta): first, Will actually sees Hannibal’s room and consequently, he sees himself in it (or he sees their rooms united). Second, he sees the Wendigo near Hannibal’s fireplace. Fireplace has many meanings, including passion, sexuality, home, family, and resurrection. It emphasizes the sexual and romantic subtext of this uniquely shot scene, where people destined to be together have sex with the wrong partners. Will’s vision begins to contract, focusing on Wendigo: he is having an orgasm at this very moment, imagining the Wendigo’s face very close, approaching him. Still through the misty eyes, he tries to focus on Alana again, but his gaze moves up to Wendigo above her, as if he can’t help himself. He and Hannibal reach orgasm first, with Alana and Margot following them. So, Will dragged Hannibal into his sex fantasy. It’s both symbolic and physical: he tried to imagine Alana just like he tried to have a relationship with her before, in S1, out of his desire to be normal. But his attention is inevitably drawn to Hannibal, who’s his “real deal”.

Based on this scene, it’s underlined once again how Will struggles with emotions. Even in the safety of his own mind, in his own fantasy, he tries to think of Alana but still ends up with Hannibal. Will is always fighting himself and who he is. He refuses to accept his darkness just as he refuses to admit he loves Hannibal. It’s the essence of who he is, denial is his second name.

Among the important moments, there are Will’s words to Hannibal:

*Will: You are right. We are just alike. You are as alone as I am. And we are both alone without each other.*

So, Will accepts the bond with Hannibal, and at this stage, he even has the courage to voice some of his emotional thoughts. His progress is slow, but it’s there.

In E11, Will has a nightmare. He sees a burning corpse of ‘Freddie’ in a wheelchair, a symbol of his betrayal of Hannibal, and he hears his own increasing screaming. It’s easy to interpret, knowing the context: Will feels guilty for lying to Hannibal.

When Margot loses her child, Will feels renewed anger at Hannibal. He fantasizes about killing him and gets to realize his fantasy with Mason’s help in E12. But at the last moment, Will changes his mind and chooses Hannibal. He does the same thing in E13 by calling him. When he sees him, he doesn’t even try to point a gun at him: he asks why he didn’t leave as he was supposed to, and he even leans forward to accept the knife, accept the punishment for betrayal.

So, Will chooses Hannibal over Abigail, for whom he wanted justice; over his and Margot’s child, for whom he wanted revenge; over Jack and Alana, who were his only semblance of friends; over his own confusion and desire to be normal. For someone as emotionally stunted as Will, it’s huge. It proves that he loves Hannibal and is willing to compromise all other relationships he has formed as well his own beliefs for him (while Will is dark, he tries to fight it because he doesn’t think people like them are normal). Is it romantic? Will’s dream with the word “beloved” and his sex fantasy, as well as his acceptance of the idea that he and Hannibal were Abigail’s fathers (which makes them partners) imply that yes, romantic feeling is a part of it.

Hannibal’s romantic feelings became explicit in S3, and so did Will’s. But since Hannibal is more open and self-accepting, his were discussed out loud while Will’s were mostly portrayed silently, implied, and alluded to.

Will builds a boat to sail and find Hannibal, which is pretty romantic by itself. He spends his time in Hannibal’s house, in the kitchen where their bloody break-up happened, imagining Abigail near him. When Alana comes to find him, he asks her to leave. He’s cold and indifferent toward her — she’s not what he wants, and he’s not interested in even friendship with her. All he wants is to mourn his lost family with Hannibal and Abigail. Again, Hannibal is Will’s priority.

Will imagines his perfect world as the one where he and Hannibal killed Jack together. This scene is intercut with his Mizumono memories, namely, with Hannibal's face that emerges every time he moves yet another part of the engine. This is a vivid demonstration of Will trying to repair what is now broken. When Jack asks him why he called him, Will is indifferent and genuine:

*Will: I wasn't decided when I called him. I just called him. I deliberated while the phone rang. I decided when I heard his voice … I told him to leave. I wanted him to run … Because he was my friend. And because I wanted to run away with him.*

That’s a big admission for Will. This is the first time he openly acknowledges Hannibal as his friend in front of another person. Chilton calls Will and Hannibal’s interactions a “flirtation” in this episode, which once again points us in the romantic direction.

The entire E2 of S3 is dedicated to Will’s love for Hannibal, where he argues about it with himself in the form of imaginary Abigail. This is another proof of Will’s problem with emotions in general and emotions for Hannibal in particular. He can’t just think to himself as normal people do — no, he can’t admit how much he loves Hannibal this. Instead, he imagines Abigail and talks to himself through her to make it easier. He berates himself for lying.

*Will/Abigail: We were all supposed to leave together. He made a place for us. Why did you lie to him? He gave you a chance to take it all back, and you just kept lying.*

Will is reverent about Hannibal; he keeps talking about him over and over again.

*Will: This isn't Hannibal, it's just where he begins. Beyond this, far and complex, light and dark, is the vast structure of his mind. A thousand rooms, miles of corridors. Everything he remembers, wonderfully and fearfully reconstructed.*

Will goes as far as lies at the place where Hannibal’s Valentine heart for him was, reconstructing this image and trying to feel close to him. The heart comes to life the moment Will touches it, which is romantic. Will says:

*Will: A valentine written on a broken man … I do feel closer to Hannibal here. God only knows where I would be without him … He left us his broken heart … He misses us.*

He looks on the verge of tears, so Hannibal’s gift touched him. Will is overcome by emotions. At this very moment, his more frightened side suggests that Hannibal is also playing with him.

*Will: Hannibal follows several trains of thought at once without distraction from any, and one of the trains is always for his own amusement.*

We know it’s not the case, especially here, but Will has trust issues and a low self-esteem. He’s worried that Hannibal’s feelings for him aren’t as strong as he thinks they are, which is why he’s not sure how to react himself. He asks himself, *“You still want to go with him?”* and replies, *“Yes.” He wonders about what life they’d have if they left.

*Will: What if no one died? What if we all left together? Like we were supposed to. After he served the lamb. Where would we have gone? … In some other world.*

Pazzi comes and tells Will that he hopes they’ll catch Hannibal together.

*Will: What makes you think I want to catch him?*

Later, Pazzi says:

*Pazzi: He let you know him. He sent you his heart.*

E2 ends with Will scaring Pazzi and telling him, *“You don’t know whose side I’m on.* Then he tells Hannibal he forgives him, which is also a huge step in his direction.

This entire episode proves that yes, Will loves Hannibal. Considering how he isn’t awkward from receiving a Valentine or hearing that Hannibal gave him his heart, Will shares the romantic aspect of Hannibal’s feelings for him. He regrets not running away with him and their daughter, he places himself on the floor where the heart was to feel closer to him — this is such a rich romantic subtext that it’s practically text. Especially for Will, who remains so conflicted and emotionally restrained all the time.

Will’s attitude changes after seeing Chiyoh. He becomes more bitter. Considering how dark he is in these scenes and how he constantly compares himself and Chiyoh, he likely sees her as someone Hannibal was supposed to love but easily abandoned. It makes Will draw the parallels between them, and he starts to doubt that Hannibal loves him, that his “broken heart” has any authentic meaning. That’s where he starts thinking about killing Hannibal again. He still says:

*Will: I’ve never known myself as well as I know myself when I’m with him.*

This line also speaks volumes. Hannibal gave Will a precious gift of understanding himself; he showed that he could accept him, and Will is drawn to it. Will admits the depth of their connection to yet another person. Then he makes a firefly from Chiyoh’s prisoner, a tribute that is clearly done with Hannibal in his mind, considering the style and the central topic.

Chiyoh sees right through Will’s emotional constipation. She implies that he should “kiss” Hannibal rather than keep being “violent”:

*Chiyoh: I told you, there are means of influence other than violence.*

She kisses Will then, thus showing him what others means exist. He doesn’t get it, though, since he responds to her kiss despite not feeling anything for her, and she pushes him off the train, likely admitting he’s a hopeless case.

Meeting Jack, Will tells him that a part of him will always want to leave with Hannibal. This is yet another declaration from him. Will isn’t scared of the consequences — he speaks of his feelings openly now. It’s a great development of his character.

But the feeling of doubt about Hannibal likely resurfaces further after Will sees that Hannibal replaced him and Abigail with Bedelia in E6 (hence his hatred for her since that moment). He mocks her alibi and then leaves to reunite with Hannibal. The following moment was deleted, but it still discloses some of Will’s romantic feelings:

*Will: I looked up at the night sky there. Orion above the horizon and, near it, Jupiter. I wondered if you could see it, too. I wondered if our stars were the same.*

From the words that did get into the episode:

*Will: You and I have begun to blur ... We're conjoined. Curious if either of us can survive separation.*

Will doesn’t just admit the bond between them, he elevates it the level of soulmates, implying they are one and the same. It’s also a declaration of love in his language. But love doesn’t stop Will from being vindictive, hurt, and angry, so after meetings with Chiyoh and Bedelia that affected his perception, he pulls out a knife as he and Hannibal are walking together.

There is a brain-sawing disaster after this and E7, where Will looks done and tired from the madness and his constant attempts to figure Hannibal out. He does bite Cordell before looking at Hannibal, seeking his approval; he uses “we” pronouns when speaking about Hannibal with Alana. One example:

*Will: You helped Mason Verger find us.*

So, he still sees himself and Hannibal as a team, but he’s still tired and bitter, so after everything is over, he hurts Hannibal by saying he doesn’t share his appetite and by attacking him emotionally.

*Will: I miss my dogs. I'm not going to miss you. I'm not going to find you. I'm not going to look for you. I don't want to know where you are or what you do. I don't want to think about you anymore.*

This is all personal and emotional. It sounds like a break-up, which is exactly how Bryan Fuller and others referred to it. When Hannibal leaves and Jacks arrives, Will puts on his glasses, an indication that he’s hiding again.

Fast-forward 3 years. Will is married now, but from the very start, we see that this marriage isn’t all people usually expect it to be. The first scene shows the family apart. Molly and Walter have gone fishing, which is something Will loves. He had dreams about teaching Abigail how to fish, but he doesn’t go to do that with his family, preferring to stay alone instead. It’s the first hint that his heart isn’t in this relationship, that he’s too hung up on the past to move forward and make new happy memories.

Jack came to drag him to Dragon’s case, and Will makes it look like he’s reluctant. At the same time, he doesn’t send Jack away, even though we know from the past that he has no qualms being frank when he wants to. More than that, he asks him not to show pics to Molly, but when they have dinner, Will deliberately leaves the house with Walter, leaving Jack and Molly together. At night, when Molly’s asleep, he crawls out of bed and goes to read Hannibal’s letter. He doesn’t tell the truth to Molly about himself and his dark urges, about everything he has done – Molly clearly has no idea who he truly is, considering how she jokes about his ‘criminal mind’ in later episodes and how Will immediately closes himself off from her. He never initiates physical touches with her; he doesn’t return her “I love you”, which is an even bigger indication of his lack of commitment. Will is emotionally stiff with Molly for the most part, and the only times he laughs with her or shows any emotion is when they are talking about superficial stuff in the former case and when he’s furious after Francis’ attack in the latter one. Other than that, there is no closeness or honesty.

Another point of Will’s inability to express or even give his love to someone is in his scene with Walter in E11. This child, his step-son, has just been attacked by a serial killer with his mother. His mother was hurt and they barely escaped. Will doesn’t hug him or offer him paternal emotional comfort; he’s very awkward. All he says is, “You're both safe here,” which is something an officer might say but not a father. Will was much more emotional in his fantasies about Abigail.

This is what Will says about Walter’s reaction to Jack:

*Will: He read about me in a Freddie Lounds article. I had to justify myself to an eleven year old.*

He’s resentful and not emotional. He doesn’t say, “I had to justify myself to my son!” – he distances himself from him. Will is cold. He has expressed his feelings for Hannibal at this point in rather poetic ways, but he can’t be bothered to do this for his wife and his son.

He treats Hannibal in a very reserved fashion too, in comparison to how he acted 3 years ago. However: first, there is the fact that he came to visit him in the first place. Will didn’t need his help, we saw very clearly how he managed to easily reconstruct the crime scene the night before. It proved that his mindset is in a good shape, so he didn’t need Hannibal’s assistance. But it’s Hannibal he requested to see right away.

Will distances himself from him by calling him “Doctor Lecter” and insisting that he’s more comfortable the less personal they are. His eyes glisten, though, and he can’t look away from Hannibal. The impersonal approach doesn’t last very long, too, and soon, they are talking like they always did. Hannibal accuses Will of marrying for false reasons.

*Hannibal: How did you choose yours? Readymade wife and child to serve your needs. A stepson or daughter. A stepson absolves you of any biological blame. You know better than to breed. Can't pass on those terrible traits you fear the most.*

Will doesn’t bother to deny it, though any man would have been offended, particularly if he truly loved his family. In Will’s case, from the experience and all the precedents, silence = agreement.

In E10, Will seeks Bedelia out. He acts catty and jealous, targeting her personal connection with Hannibal.

*Will: You didn't lose yourself, Bedelia, you just crawled so far up his ass you couldn't be bothered.* - personal, targeted against Bedelia's attachment to Hannibal.

*Will: You hitched your star to a man commonly known as a monster. You're the Bride of Frankenstein.* - personal, attack with romantic connotation. Bedelia catches up on it and mocks him:

*Bedelia: We've both been his bride. Have you been to see him?*

*Will: Yes.*

*Bedelia: Haven't learned anything, have you? Or did you just miss him that much?*

*Will: Have you been to see him?* - personal again. Will wants to know if Bedelia is keeping contact with Hannibal.

*Bedelia: I've seen enough of him. I was with him behind the veil. You were always on the other side.*

*Will: Something we should talk about.* - again, personal. It's all personal, which is why Bryan and Hugh called them Hannibal's jealous bitchy exes. Will is palpably jealous and he shows his resentment to Bedelia openly.

Later, we have some more romantic references.

*Bedelia: My relationship with Hannibal is not as passionate as yours. You are here visiting old flame. Is your wife aware of how intimately you and Hannibal know each other? … Your experience of Hannibal’s attention is so profoundly harmful yet so irresistible, it undermines your ability to think rationally.*

So, there is romantic text, parallels between Hannibal and Will’s wife, and Will doesn’t deny any of this again. He keeps coming to Bedelia because she’s the only person he can talk about Hannibal to without being watched.

After Hannibal sends Francis after Molly and Walter, Will spends about a minute being angry with him. Then he accuses Hannibal of staging a competition between him and Francis. It is startling: Will spent months, years mourning the loss of Abigail who he didn’t even really know personally, yet he forgets the gravity of what happened to his wife and won very quickly. He leaves Molly and Walter and tells Bedelia that they are finished. One traumatic event, and Will left. It coincides with something very important that happened here: after this, Will finally figures out Hannibal is truly in love with him. So he goes to Bedelia to discuss it with her.

*Will: Is Hannibal in love with me?*

*Bedelia: Could he daily feel a stab of hunger for you, and find nourishment at the very sight of you? Yes. But do you ache for him?*

Will is predictably silent. Obviously, if the answer was no, he would have said no. But he struggles because like we established, he has issues with expressing emotions. He only managed to start referring to Hannibal as his friend openly in this season, opening up about some of his feelings, but he’s not ready to go this far. It would be absolutely out of character for Will to say, “Yes, you know, I’m in love with him! Thanks for helping me see it.” Every confession Will makes is preceded by struggles and heartbreak. But he’s going to reply to Bedelia’s question, only not explicitly-verbally.

Will sets up Chilton and then comes to allegedly say good-bye to Hannibal. He lies several times in their conversation (about Chilton and Molly with Walter), so all his words are automatically suspicious. Regardless, he destroys Hannibal emotionally and walks away. Personally, I believe he was already planning to break him out, so he was playing it up for cameras and also taking a chance to hurt Hannibal for everything again. But whatever his plan was, what happens next is that Will conspires with Francis against Jack, Alana, and the FBI. They agree to break Hannibal out together. Will lies to Jack and then gets to ask Hannibal for help. He’s being flirty and manipulative in this scene.

*Will: I need you, Hannibal … You're our best shot, Hannibal. Please.*

He’s smirking, he leans close to Hannibal, he sends him a flirty look from under his eyelashes. Will is thoroughly enjoying himself, and he does it best when he has some excuse to hide behind.

Later, he lies to Jack and Alana again, leaks info to Francis (who nearly killed his wife and son), and gets many officers killed by proxy. He tells Bedelia the truth that he doesn’t “intend Hannibal to be caught a second time.” He also implies that he’s going to let him go free, which is why Bedelia should pack her bags.

*Bedelia: Can't live with him. Can't live without him. Is that what this is?*

This time, Will agrees, although in his way.

*Will: I guess this is my Becoming.*

For Will, Becoming was always connected to his feelings for Hannibal because accepting himself and his darkness meant being free to escape with Hannibal.

*Bedelia: You found religion. Nothing more dangerous than that.*

In E3, it was stated that love is a God (you can find more here https://www.reddit.com/r/HannibalTV/comments/7w54dg/lovegodreligion_s3_parallels/), so it’s possible to say that religion = love in this context. It certainly makes sense. Will is accepting himself and his emotions, and the trigger was establishing for sure that Hannibal is in love with him.

Will and Hannibal drive to the cliff house. When Hannibal asks Will if he intends to save himself by killing them both (Hannibal and Francis), Will replies:

*Will: I don't know if I can save myself. And maybe that's just fine.*

This is the first time he confesses that he might be incapable of killing Hannibal. Predictably, when Francis comes, Will can’t handle seeing Hannibal killed, so he reaches for his gun.

Will and Hannibal work as a unit and protect each other. Hannibal is shot, nearly strangled, thrown onto the ground, and he is still weakly holding on Francis' leg to prevent him from going after Will, even though it leaves him in an open and vulnerable position — Francis does kick him in the face with his other leg. There is fierce determination on Will's face as he stands up despite the pain and runs to save Hannibal. They act in synch, consummating their relationship.

Then, Will admires how blood looks on his hand and repeats Hannibal’s words:

*Will: It really does look black in the moonlight.*

He remembers the words Hannibal said to him weeks ago in one of their endless interactions. A bit earlier, he perfectly recalled the words Hannibal told him *years* ago, back in the middle of S2.

*Will: I understand that “blood and breath are only elements undergoing change to fuel your Radiance." Hannibal said those words. To me.*

So, Will remembers everything Hannibal told him. He stores these memories. It’s a small but still important proof how important Hannibal is for him.

At the cliff, Will finally accepts the truth.

*Hannibal: See. This is all I ever wanted for you, Will. For both of us.*

We know what Hannibal wanted: a Murder Husband. What does Will say to this?

*Will: It’s beautiful.*

This is a loud “yes” to Bedelia’s question about his feelings. Will acknowledges, accepts, and admires them. He doesn’t feel awkward, as he would if he knew Hannibal is in love with him but didn’t feel the same. No, he reaches forward to embrace him, and such physical contact from Will is mind-blowing because he almost never does it. He clings to Hannibal, puts his head on his shoulder, touches him as if he wants to melt with him. Then he gives the fate a chance to stop both of them or to set them free. They fall into the ocean under the Love Crime song, another romantic element.

Water symbolizes reborn, and post-credits scene indicates that Will and Hannibal have paid a visit to Bedelia and are in the process of eating her while she’s hiding the fork to stab one of them as he approaches. The deleted epilogue to the series shows that they are in perfect harmony now.

**Conclusion**: Will has passed through a long, painful journey. He went from hiding from emotions and deflecting to not denying and carefully acknowledging them. We don’t hear words “love” or “in love” from him in relation to Hannibal because Will is not that kind of person. He doesn’t use these words freely, and for him, every small emotional step is a struggle. He tried to deceive himself and other numerous times; he tied to deny the truth and manipulate his own mind, but with each season, his feelings for Hannibal became more and more explicit. Will reaching out for physical contact, Will saying “It’s beautiful” are his way of saying, “I ached for you. I love you.”

This is a story of mutual love and obsession, about soulmates, about unique type of connection that few people share. It’s not about Hannibal falling in love and Will not feeling the same. Their feelings are equally strong, but they express them differently, particularly as Will’s are tied to the acceptance of his own darkness.

#will graham #hannibal lecter #hannigram #nbc hannibal #murder husbands

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doof-doofblog · 3 years

Text

"I'm Your Father, Love!"

Tuesday 18th May 2021

Hello again everyone! Hope you're all doing okay, I'm back with another post and tonight I'll be reviewing Tuesday's post episode. However before we get started I have a little bit of news to share, which I'm sure the majority of you might've heard by now. Adam Woodyatt has announced that he's not going to be returning to Albert Square until at least 2022! So of course, for me, that raises the question - What has Ian been doing all of this time? Where did he go when he wondered off into the night? I know that there's going to be some major questions to be asked. We all last saw Ian leave the Square after he realised that his new wife, Sharon was poisoning him after she found out about his involvement in her son, Dennis's death. I hope Ian's return will be a big one, considering the way he left - with no money, no phone - just the clothes on his back, I'm eager to see where he has been and what he's been doing. What do you guys think?

Anyway, focusing on the episode at hand, firstly I'm going to begin with Katy and Frankie. Considering that Monday's episode ended with Katy returning to the Square, it wasn't going to be long until she crossed someone's path. Unfortunately for Frankie, it turns out her Mum has come back to the Square to see her. As Frankie is sat quietly in the club, she's startled as she looks up to see her Mum standing over her. Katy tries to plead with her to have one last drink with her before she gets locked up, but Frankie is having none of it. Although when she escapes from her Mum arrives back at the Vic, she realises that Mick's victim statement is all placed in an envelope and ready to be read out loud in court.

To me it seems that Frankie was struggling whether to go and see her Mum or not, because at the end of the day, she is her Mum. Eventually Frankie agrees to meet with her Mum in the park, without anyone else around. At first it looks as if they're bonding as Katy recalls about the time she took her daughter to the beach around Christmas time. It looks as if Katy is still holding onto the hope that she can be seen as a good person in her daughter's eyes. Eventually it becomes perfectly clear what Katy is wanting from her daughter, she questions whether Frankie will give her a character reference so the court can see what kind of person she can be. But Frankie realises that once again she's being used by her Mum, she walks away completely ignoring her Mother. I do feel for Frankie as she is kind of in the middle of all of this, but she needs to realise that she has no blame in any of it, all the blame leads directly to Katy.

Returning to the Vic, Frankie confides in Shirley, informing her of her Mother's request but she makes it known that she completely refused, much to Shirley's delight. Shirley claims she's proud of Frankie for doing the right thing and how she always knew she was on their side. I think as much as Frankie is wanting to stand by her Dad and help him through this ordeal, I guess a part of her is also thinking that she's also losing her Mum in all of this. I think I do feel for Frankie right now, but I am really intrigued to see the court scenes when they air. Will Mick be able to read his statement in court with Katy sat right there in the room?!

Elsewhere on the Square, Sharon is prepping herself for the launch of her new gym, however she's getting very little help from Zack. As she voices her ideas to him, he's insulting every single suggestion. He informs her that she needs to think bigger and advertise on social media and consider that people are going to be wanting to join the gym, so she should have some fresh smoothies made etc etc.

As Zack tries to, once again, show off, Martin and Ruby happen to be walking with Lily across the Square. Is it me, or does this Zack think that he's God's gift to women? Showing off and flirting with anything that moves, but it seems his eyes are focused on Ruby at the moment - and Martin is really noticing which is making him incredibly jealous and possibly even cautious. Only did you guys happen to see the look on Lily's face? Do you think she has sussed out that her Dad may be jealous of Zack?

Later as Zack is trying out a new cocktail, I'm not 100% sure whether it was something new for the club or something he was working on for the gym launch, but regardless he gets Ruby to be his guinea pig. However, lurking in the corner, sitting and watching everything unfold in front of her, is Lily. Ruby happens to notice her step-daughter and questions why she's not in school. Lily makes up an excuse and instantly asks her step-mum whether she has a crush on Zack, which of course Ruby firmly denies and informs her not to get involved in "Adult Business!"

However, it looks as if the cogs are turning in Lily's mind. I'm assuming she still really doesn't look Ruby and will do anything to make her life a misery, maybe even split her and her Dad up. As she returns him and is sat watching TV with her Dad, Martin asks about what she's been doing whilst he's been away. It's then that Lily spins a web of lies, telling her Dad that Ruby wasn't around much and she was hanging around with Zack a lot, even mentioning that Zack had stayed over. Knowing full well how this would make her Dad feel, I think it's simply to do with Lily getting back at Ruby, purely for her Mum's sake. Is there anything Lily won't do to ruin Martin and Ruby's marriage?!

Another thing I have to mention is Bernie! Now Bailey has returned home, the Taylor family are slowly getting back to normal and having the family together again. Even though the family are terrified to let Bailey out of their sight. Bailey overhears Karen shouting for her in a blind panic, but once Karen realises that she's still safe and sound in the apartment, Bailey realises how worried her family were about it, claiming that she's seen all the online posts about her online. Does Bailey now feel guilty for running out on her family? Did she really believe that her family would be better off without her? The poor kid!

But it seems that Karen isn't the only one who's concerned about Bailey's whereabouts, it looks as if Keegan is eager to keep a close eye on her also. He mentions to Tiffany that he and Bernie will be taking Bailey out for some lunch. Later as they all gather at McKlunky's, Keegan asks his sister about this "bonus" she'll be getting from Kheerat. But Bernie reassures her brother that he doesn't have to match her money, and he doesn't have to pay her back either. As a sweet and joking gesture, she informs him that as soon he has made his first million, that he can pay her back!

However, the previous episode, Rainie informed Bernadette that she and Stuart are going to be finding another surrogate, so if Bernie is eager to make some quick cash for her family then she needs to act fast! Desperately she approaches Rainie begging her to give her a chance, to the point where she pushes herself to inform Rainie that she can lose the weight within a month! Rainie realises that Bernie is deeply serious about her surrogate and agrees to give her the one month deadline for her to lose weight so she can be their surrogate and carry a baby safely.

Now I fear that this is where Bernie's eating disorder is going to come in, I know what it's like to lose weight, it can be a long and hard process - weight does not simply drop off you within a month! I fear that Bernie may make some drastic and hard decisions when it comes to her eating now. Will she perhaps start making herself sick? Or will she not eat at all and eventually go light headed and pass out? There could so many different and dark roads this storyline will take, I just hope there will be no lasting damage to both Bernadette, and the soon to be baby she'll be carrying - if it ever gets to that point! What do you guys think of this current storyline? I'm really interested in hearing your thoughts on this one!

The final thing I have to mention is Sonia! Oh poor Sonia! After overhearing Dotty and Tiffany taking the mick out of her and calling her horrendous names, it looks as if Sonia is feeling as if she's aged since leaving the Square. Almost to the point where she feels it's time for her to change her look, she approaches Denise in the salon and asks her to give her a new do - from what we gather, something along the lines of what Dua Lipa has!

Now Denise questions Sonia's decision and can see that maybe Sonia is having some kind of breakdown. She swiftly talks her into having a drink with her at the Vic. I have to say though, this scene between Sonia and Denise I absolutely loved. We don't get to see these two women socialise enough, it was just so lovely to see Denise reassure Sonia that she's not as "Boring" as some people think she is! She is a very important part of the community and mentions rightly how much Sonia has had to cope with over the last year, being a nurse and regards to the pandemic. It made it feel quite realistic for me, everyone knows how much we have needed the NHS this last year or so and how hard every single NHS employee has worked to keep us all safe! Even though the pandemic is real and Sonia is a fictional character, it was just nice for someone to reassure her that she is important and she is deeply loved within the community. I also have to say how much I love Denise also - I don't think Diane Parish gets the recognition she deserves!

However as the drinks begin to flow, Denise and Sonia begin talking about Dotty. Denise informs her that she shouldn't listen to anything Dotty has to say, but unfortunately lets slip that Dotty has been performing as a hostess at the club. Learning this news, Sonia storms right over to the club and instructs Dotty to stop doing what she's doing, flaunting herself over middle aged men for money! However, she happens to insult a man standing by the bar, calling him a pervert! Dotty is left absolutely humiliated, but personally - it felt good to see Dotty be told straight! Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike Dotty, but I think becoming a hostess and dragging Tiffany in to doing it also, just doesn't seem right. I don't think she's no where near as bad as her Father, but I think she'll always have a rebel side to her!

Oh so finally Brian Connelly has made his first appearance on the Square as Terry Cant. His first encounter was accidently bumping into Rainie. But as he continued to wonder Walford, he found himself in Ruby's club, working up an audience telling them a really interesting story, from what I could make out! However, he happened to be the one who was caught up in Sonia's confrontation with Dotty, being the one called a pervert.

As Sonia returned back to the Square and began chatting once again with Denise and Tiffany, she was horrified to see that the "Pervert Man" had followed her back to the Vic. As she makes herself scarce by hiding underneath the table, Terry begins to ask for Sonia Fowler. But as Denise questions what he wants her for and whether she's done anything wrong, Terry informs them that she in fact hasn't done anything wrong, but called her Dad a pervert! Yep, that's right! Terry Cant is Sonia's Dad!!!! Where has he been all this time? How will Sonia react to her Father rolling up on the Square?

I know that Thursday's episode has already aired, but I'm looking forward to reviewing that episode tomorrow! Do you hope that Terry will become a permanent member of the cast? What else will bring him to Walford other than reconnecting with his daughter? I have to be honest, I'm looking forward to seeing what Brian Connelly will bring to the Square. I know he's well known for his comedy, but I'll be interested to see if they bring a more serious and maybe dark side to his character. I just think it'll give Brian Connelly that chance to shine and prove he can be a brilliant actor as well as a brilliant comedian! What do you guys think??

Thank you all for reading, it truly means the world! Please feel free to leave me a comment or leave me a message regarding anything currently happening in EastEnders right now. I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts, opinions and theories! Love you all xXx

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babbushka · 4 years

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hello! so i absolutely adore Flip and especially the way you write him (seriously you are so amazing and i hope you know that), and i was wondering if you would be willing to write maybe body/cock worship for him? maybe he has had a rough shift at work and his wife gives him the ol' bj and a whole lotta lovin'. only if your comfortable writing that sorta stuff of course. thank you and have a lovely day :)

Anonymous said: 100% convinced Flip would die for a minute when you come up behind him and start rubbing his shoulders. Head falling back, jaw falling open. When you work your fingers into his hair, he groans as he has been sent to heaven. When you stop he mumbles not to stop

Gosh thank you so so much! I’m going to be combining these two, I hope you enjoy

(minor warning for mention of domestic abuse but not against the reader!!)

He works too hard.

It’s not the first time you’ve thought that, not by a long shot. But still. You think it.

You think it when he practically kicks the front door in, after hearing him struggle to get the key in the lock because of how dark it is outside. Even the porch light isn’t enough, not when he’s in a bad mood. And a bad mood he was in, because he’s grumbling to himself as he shakes the early snow off his parka before coming inside, before toeing off his boots with a little more force than necessary.

When he walks into the living room and pauses to see you up late, always waiting up for him, his shoulders sag. His face transforms from near rage to misery, and you can almost see the wet shine of his tears.

You set down your book and silently open your arms to him, and he takes three big strides across the living room floor to practically fall on top of you, bury his face in your neck and shudder out a sigh.

“Do you want to tell me about it?” You ask, as your arms engulf him in a tight hug.

He came home like this often, worn the fuck out and exhausted, with a deep sadness in his bones. Sometimes it was from a case, other times it was memories of ‘Nam, and other times still it was just his brain playing nasty games with him. You never knew which, but you were always there for him.

“Rough day.” He sighs, grumbles into your neck, and you nod.

He was on a particularly rough case, a gang of drug lords needing to be brought in. Flip had told you all the details, and they sounded like fucking awful people, but then again, so were most of the people Flip had to go undercover and pretend to be buddies with. Today though, he’s shaken up more than usual, and you’re determined to make him feel good.

“Sit up for a minute?” You ask, and he complies easily, too worn out to protest.

Normally he tries to crawl under your skin, will shove himself up your shirt to get closer to your heartbeat. But this time he sits up, and you gently nudge him to turn around so his back is to you.

Getting up on your knees behind him, you reach around and unbutton his flannel as best you can, pressing close-mouthed kisses along his neck as you expose it, sliding his shirt down his arms. He always wears an under-shirt or two depending on the weather, and he reaches his arms up this time so you can pull them both over his head.

“You have such a nice back.” You tell him as your hands smooth up and down his skin, his muscles.

You don’t need to feel his shoulders to know he’s tense, but he is. You massage his shoulders, thumbs and fingers working hard to unravel each knot, to firmly press in and melt the stress away. He groans, but this time it’s of relief, of pleasure, as he tips his head back against your shoulder behind him.

You turn your face towards his to kiss him, hands trailing up his neck and into his hair, and he twists around to better meet your caress.

“I have the most handsome husband.” You whisper, smiling gently down at him as you card your fingers through his hair. “The kindest, funniest, smartest husband.”

If he were a cat, he’d be purring you think. You pull your hands away for just a moment but he frowns.

“Don’t stop.” He says, really more like a question, but you shake your head.

“Shh.” You gently kiss him, kiss him and kiss him some more, until you’re kissing down his body, slinking off the couch to rest at his feet, in between his legs.

“Fuck ketsl.” He breathes, baritone voice impossibly deep when you slowly slowly slowly work to undo his belt buckle, ease down his zipper.

His hands immediately caress the back of your head, and you nuzzle your face into his crotch, take a deep breath in and rest your cheek on his thigh in the dark.

“Look at these hands. These are strong, capable hands.” You say, taking one from where he’s tangled it lightly in your hair, takes it and presses kisses to his palms, to his knuckles. You look up at him through your lashes when you smooch them once more, “Just like my husband.”

“I love you.” He chokes out, and you smile, carefully rise up just enough to kiss him on the lips, before resuming your spot between his legs.

Your mouth waters when you pull his cock free from his jeans, his underwear. It takes some shimmying on his part to get them pulled down enough where you can really nose and kiss at it, but you get there. Neither of you are in a rush, neither are in a hurry. You just want to make him feel good – he’s always there for you, always making sure you feel good, you want to do the same.

Flip’s cock is big though, too big for you to really fit all the way in your mouth, you both know this. So you just lick a thick wet stripe up his shaft, follow it with your hand, lightly gripping the base of his dick as you swirl your tongue around the head.

Flip’s head thunks back against the couch, and he raises his socked foot to brace it on the coffee table, sinks further into the cushions to get more comfortable.

You smile around him, glad to see him relaxing, and you kiss the side of his knee where it’s now bracketing your head before swallowing his cock down as far as it can go.

This blowjob isn’t overly performative, it isn’t a show, it isn’t rough and tumble. It’s slow and sweet and sensual, but still good enough that Flip’s fisting your hair tight, pressing the base of your skull further and further down him, eyes locked on yours. The eye contact should be creepy, should be intimidating, but you’ve been with him long enough to know it’s just love, pure and simple.

He doesn’t like to not look at you.

You love him so much that it hurts.

He doesn’t warn you when he comes, but you are prepared for it, and you swallow every drop, absolutely every drop he gives you. You pull your mouth off of him and stroke his cock a little longer, just milking the rest, catching it with your tongue.

When he’s spent, he pulls you by your arms up to him, wraps you up in a big hug as you both fall sideways onto the couch.

“I don’t know what possesses a man to kill his wife.” He whispers in the dark, throat closing up again, even after all of that. You know it’s not despite the loving you give him, it’s because of it. “That’s your best friend. Why would he kill her?”

Ah, you think as you tuck yourself against him, let his arms envelop you as soft tears wet your hair.

“I don’t know.” You whisper, because you don’t.

“I would never – could never even – how – ” He starts to get himself all worked up again, and your heart breaks, breaks for how kind he is, how caring.

Flip cares so much that sometimes you wonder how he can stand to do his job at all.

But maybe it’s because he cares so much, that makes him so good at it.

“You got him, right? They put him away?” You pull back just enough to cup his cheeks, and he turns to kiss your palms when you do it.

“Yeah.” He nods, your thumb rubbing soothing circles into the light scar on his cheek.

“Then at the very least you punished a horrible man who committed a horrific crime.” You said, and he sighs, clutches you tight tight tight.

“You’re my favorite person in the whole world.” He asks, “Do I tell you that enough?”

“You don’t have to tell me at all, I already know.” You reply genuinely, and he nods, bites his lip and nods, holds you tight.

And that’s enough for him for the moment, that’s enough. You’re here with him, he gets to come home to you, he gets to cry in your arms and hold you tight and you massage his shoulders and suck his cock, and it’s all enough to wash away the cruelty of the world outside.

You stay with him until the snow starts to stick to the windowpane, until the clock chimes three in the morning and you suggest it’s time for bed.

He clings to you the whole night through, and you let him, because if there’s nothing else that matters to you, no one else in the world, not one other thing, it’s this.

It’s him.

#reader insert #flip zimmerman x reader #flip x reader #flip/reader #flip zimmerman/reader #thank you so much for submitting! <3 #Anonymous #cowboy answers

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the-overgrowth · 4 years

Text

Retrospective: “Faybane” #1

This is where it all started, on July 8th, 2016. Although probably a bit earlier than that, but this is the earliest thing I can find that’s actually written down, so that’s what counts. And back in the day I didn’t let ideas marinate the way I do now, I just started writing pretty much as soon as I got the idea.

Anyway, the document was created at this point in time according to Google Docs, and was last modified in October 3rd, 2016. It’s only 3 chapters long, plus one incomplete fourth chapter, and the whole thing is about 17k words.

Which is a lot for 3 chapters. I would say something about how I’m less wordy now, but the latest draft is like 107k words long, so, like, I will always struggle with shutting the fuck up, methinks.

Also, the reason this is called “Faybane” is because that was the working title I used, and the name of this document. I thought it’d be the proper title but like. It’s bad lmao.

Anywhomst, let’s get into it!

Some background info for those who are new or need a refresher: this WIP became a thing after I read and was disappointed by A Court of Thorns and Roses by SJM, as well as The Iron King by Julie Kagawa and some book by Holly Black, was it Tithe?

ACOTAR was the biggest culprit. I feel that this is important to keep in mind as we go through this mess.

We open on Sidra in the forest with a bunch of men she calls a hunting party. It’s clear she doesn’t want to be there, but since she’s the only decent hunter among them and it’s her sister’s wedding today, she has to make the kill to feed the people attending said wedding.

This is, as the kids say, big stupid, and seems like a very ill-prepared celebration? I guess it makes some sense for them to want fresh meat, but this fresh? What if they didn’t find anything? What if they didn’t manage to kill anything? Is the whole thing cancelled? Stupid.

We find out they’ve been hunting a boar and that this dude named Liam, our Gaston replacement, previously wounded the animal but didn’t kill it, causing it to flee and force the hunting party to follow. It’s up to Sidra to make the killing blow, which she does with an arrow straight into its head. This was back when Sidra was still YA Heroine Extraordinaire and the time period was Vaguely Medieval, I guess.

They begin taking their quarry back home and Sidra thinks about how she normally doesn’t hunt this close to the “Faewilds” because animals closer to the border are said to be bigger and more violent. There isn’t an actual border, people just had to rely on intuition and not wander too far into the forest.

She also mentions a girl named Wilda, who disappeared fairly recently and everyone suspects it was the fae. This isn’t relevant now, but Wilda will return in later drafts, I think.

Everybody, especially my family, knew that I was one of the best archers in town, whether I used a bow or a crossbow.

Shut up, Not!Feyre. Nobody likes you.

I should mention that at this point I didn’t bother googling how big wild boars get and just assumed they were the size of like, a thick medium dog. Which is, if you know how big boars are, very incorrect. Four men pulling the animal seems realistic enough, but then Liam just lifts it up on his own? Not buying it.

Sidra laments how much she hates Liam and we find out that he apparently tried to assault her and she stabbed him? And apparently she’s not happy about his marriage to Sinéad but can’t do anything about it because “Father’s word is law” and Sinéad herself laughed it off when Sidra tried to warn her?

Yeah, gonna call bullshit on that one. No idea why this was here or what purpose it serves, the reason Liam doesn’t exist in the latest draft is because I never figured out what his purpose was so I axed him entirely.

Current!Sidra would just kill him the moment he showed an interest in Sinéad, and Current!Sinéad would 100% believe her sister about something like that.

Some bloke named Connor strikes up a conversation with Sidra, seemingly worried about being this far away from human civilization. Liam teases him about it and calls the fae “knife-ears”, because I still had brainrot back then and liked Dragon Age and had zero original ideas in my head.

The men make jokes about having sex with fae women and Sidra seems so disturbed by this that she nocks an arrow. This isn’t the first time she makes references to feeling unsafe around these men, I have no idea why I wrote it this way aside from being edgy, I guess.

My village was mostly populated by men, and even though I wasn’t one of the pretty girls there, I knew these men weren’t picky, even with all their talk about beautiful fae women. I’d heard that fae women would kill their men after sleeping with them. I had no way of know it was true, but a part of me hoped it was and that Liam would some day soon get “lucky” and encounter a female fae, so she could end his misery.

Edgy, dude.

They eventually arrive and Sidra goes inside her house, which is a simple cottage with three rooms. I think her family are all farmers? It’s kind of confusing. She goes into her and Sinéad’s bedroom, where Sinéad is preparing for her wedding. Also, she’s blonde.

“Sid! There you are!” she said cheerily. “Killed a boar, huh? Good on Liam for taking all the credit.”

If you know your man is trash, why are you marrying him?

Apparently Liam seduced Sinéad with sweets and baked goods. I mean ... fair enough. Considering how Sidra complains about being hungry and skinny and going without food if she doesn’t kill the boar because this year’s harvest was minimal, I’m assuming y’all are starving.

We find out Sinéad’s mother doesn’t let her do anything around the house or farm, to preserve her “soft and white” hands and pale complexion so she could be married off easily. This makes zero sense, you’d think these medieval men wouldn’t have the same beauty standards as Victorian England, plus having a mouth to feed that doesn’t even help feeding itself is just nuts.

But remember, this isn’t Sidra, this is Not!Feyre. She needs to be sad and put-upon and a victim. She explains how she was never pretty to begin with and thus nobody considered her to be worthy of marrying off, which then meant she was put to work and became even less attractive because now she was so cool and badass that all the men were intimidated by her.

Yeah, in a village that already doesn’t have a lot of young women? I’m not buying this, lmao. But go off, Not!Feyre.

I’d been the one helping around, instead. Hunting, mostly. Sometimes I’d chop wood or work the farm. Marrying out of the house seemed impossible. Marrying up was practically a dream you forgot upon waking. Had I been pretty from the start there would’ve been a foundation to work from, but I was a lost cause even before my skin became tan and my hands grew veined and calloused. I had freckles which people mistook for mud and dull brown eyes, a long nose that had been broken one time too many and a mouth that made it look like I constantly felt a bad smell no matter what facial expression I made. I’d always been of rather short stature and had brown hair and thick eyebrows, which in combination with everything else made my parents call me their “little goblin”. The scar on my face didn’t help me either: men didn’t like it when their women were more battle-hardened than they were.

Oh god please, don’t go off! We don’t care! Stop going off!

Also what fucking parents call their poor kid a goblin? Yikes.

Sinéad convinces Sidra to get prettied up and Sidra is all “oh I bet all the men will just fall over themselves for my favor now huh” which is just the most annoying fucking thing, prompting Sinéad to respond:

“Well, winter is coming and game is scarce. If they want to survive, marrying the best hunter in the village might be a good bet.”

Yeah! This is correct! I refuse to believe people wouldn’t be into Sidra! Not only does everyone apparently know she’s the best hunter in town, but Sidra herself confirmed the men here outnumber the women and aren’t very picky.

This is fucking stupid. I’m glad I axed it. In my defense, I was very much trying to emulate the YA shit I’d read so far.

Sidra’s grandmother enters the stage. She’s very old in this draft, but otherwise unchanged.

She was a short and wrinkled old lady with extremely bad vision and an even worse grasp on reality. Or maybe an extremely acute grasp on reality, depending on whether you believed her stories or not.

Sidra changes out of the dress again to go out and help her father prepare the boar, all while sulking.

I didn’t envy Sinead, nor any other bride. Despite what most people thought of me, I wasn’t some poor ugly girl longing for the love of a man and the security of marriage. Did I enjoy the idea of having somebody care for me? Sure. But it wasn’t on my list of priorities. I was still trying to figure out what actually was on that list. Not that it mattered. The prospects for a poor village girl were very finite.

Womp womp.

We get some confusing and barely related stuff about Sidra possibly becoming a royal hunter for the king and also about where the village is located in relation to the Faewilds. She speculates that maybe the fae aren’t real, but the way she and everyone else talks about them makes it pretty obvious that they are? This was supposed to build mystery, I guess.

We skip forward to the wedding and Sidra is moping again.

“How are you feeling?” Father asked and squeezed my shoulder.

I wasn’t sure why he was doing that. I assumed it had something to do with the wedding and the fact that despite there being fewer women than men here, I was still not asked to dance. Though this didn’t really bother me, so I just shrugged.

“It doesn’t bother me. Anyway I will continue to mope and feel bitter about this thing that doesn’t bother me.” Hunny ...

At least Current!Sidra has the self-awareness to admit she’s sad and lonely.

[Father’s] marriage to Sinead’s mother was never out of love, more out of necessity. It was easier when you had a big family.

Except for when this “big family” is 3 people who work and 2 people who are just being fed, right? See, I knew back then that having a big family helps when you have a farm, but I also needed to make Sidra Special so Sinéad had to sit on her ass to highlight how pretty and feminine she was or whatnot.

Bleh.

They talk a bit about Sidra’s mother, who passed away five years ago, and Sidra reminisces about how she used to tell amazing stories. It’s all very ... whatever, and serves only to make this point for the hundredth time:

I wasn’t like Mother. I wasn’t full of life and spirit like her. I wasn’t loved and respected by the entire village like her. I was just her disappointing child whose existence they’d rather forget except when they wanted something killed.

Right after this there’s a really abrupt scene transition. Nothing about the wedding coming to an end, nothing about her going to bed, it’s just ... some while later?

Sidra’s father comes back home from ??? and tells Sidra he saw a stag somewhere, but it was hours ago so she better get a move on.

I’m not sure what either of them thinks this will accomplish? Like ... what is she gonna do with it when she kills it ... Carry it home? On her little boney ass? Hmm? I guess I didn’t think of that because I had meta knowledge that she wouldn’t get it home either way, so who cares about logic, right?

Sidra kills two rabbits while stalking the deer, and despite telling us earlier that she doesn’t venture far away from human civilization and the boar hunting being the farthest she’d been and that she wouldn’t go this far alone, she has no issue dwelling very deep into the forest this time.

Like. Henlo? Can we have one logic please and thanks you? Granted, she keeps stopping every now and then to Feel Things Out, but this really goes against how careful she was before and at no point do we get an explanation to her sudden boldness. Plot reasons, I guess.

She nearly stumbles into fae territories and finally decides to head back, except when she starts returning, she sees the stag she’s been tracking. It’s abnormally huge and has a “dark brown” coat that she finds odd, but of course she’s too stupid to connect the dots.

She sneaks up on it and honestly? This chapter ending still slaps.

A scream of pain left the creature and I saw it topple. But though my arrow hit a deer, a man fell to the ground.

DUN DUN DUN.

And yeah, the ACOTAR roots rear their ugly heads again. I liked the idea of the protagonist shooting a fae disguised as an animal, but I decided to cut out the middleman and just have her obliterate Val right in chapter one. Don’t worry, he doesn’t die.

#retrospective #my writing

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stormtrprinstilettos · 5 years

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Forget Your Troubles - (omg it’s a) John x Reader (with smut)

Here you go. Your Dirty Deaky story. 18+ only and if I find out you’re under 18 and read my smut stuff I am blocking you. ♥️ Took some anon requested stuff and twisted it in here, so if you’re the anon? Hope you’re reading this. Huge thanks to @anotheronebitesthedeaks for making sure this doesn’t suck 💜

Choose your own Deaky decade for this one. (Also, we’re implying an age gap, but nothing is specified. Use your imagination as you should be doing with everything I write.)

You never drink alone. You always found it pathetic when people do it. One of your favorite things to do at the pub with your friends was mock the ones who were there alone – not to their faces, of course, but it was always humorous to make up your own stories about why they were there by themselves. But tonight you realize why they do it as you sit at the bar, all alone, nursing your third gin and tonic of the night. It was easier to drink than to sit alone in your living room, consuming yourself with your thoughts and drinking alone there. At least this way you weren’t technically drinking alone. You brushed off three people so far, all overly eager guys who were clearly only trying to talk to you to get you back at their place for a one night stand. Not that you were completely opposed to one night stands, but you’re trying to get your last one night stand out of your head. That one ended up becoming a two-year-long relationship that ended a week ago. It wasn’t so much the end of it that bothered you. It was the fact that it ended because he was fucking around on you with your best friend that was eating you alive.

“You’ve been sitting here for an hour and you’re only on your third drink,” you hear a voice tell you. “Either you really don’t like them or you’re trying to prolong your time here.”

Great, you think to yourself. Another creep. You don’t want to look up, but you can’t help yourself. “Are you enjoying watching me?” you ask with annoyed sarcasm as you turn your head to see who it is this time, immediately regretting being a bitch.

“It was hard for me not to notice you,” he says with a warm smile as he points to the other end of the bar. “I’ve been sitting over there trying to guess why you’re all alone.” You chuff and look back down at your drink. “If I guess correctly, you have to let me buy your next one.”

You look back to him and smirk. “And what happens if you don’t?”

“I guess I’ll still buy you your next drink,” he smiles. “I see it as a win-win situation for you.” Normally this is the point where you’d send him on his way, but there’s something about him that doesn’t feel so creepy. Besides, he’s a goddamn rock star. You’d feel like a complete fool sending John Deacon away.

“Well? Go on. Let’s see if you can do it,” you giggle.

He puts his hand to his chin like he’s deep in thought, the smile never leaving his face. “Ok. Pretty girl who clearly has no problem finding company, judging by the fact that three blokes have already attempted to talk to her, sitting here alone.” He laughs. “Someone broke her heart and she thinks these gin and tonics are going to make her feel better.”

You start to laugh. “Am I that obvious?”

“Well there’s no other possibility,” he says. “The only reason people drink alone is because of heartbreak or because they don’t want to pay for rounds.”

“Or maybe they just really want to enjoy their drink without having to entertain other people with conversation,” you smirk.

Now he’s laughing. “Ouch,” he says as he dramatically holds his hand to his chest before resting it back on the bar. “Well I know for a fact that’s not why you’re drinking alone.”

“And how do you know?” you chuckle with a raised brow.

He smirks. “Because you just told me someone broke your heart.” He takes the last sip of his drink and waves the bartender over. “He isn’t worth it. He’s clearly not a smart person,” he winks. When the bartender walks over, he orders himself another drink. “And bring the lady here something fancy,” he says. “She deserves a fancy drink.”

He’s charming. Very charming. And suddenly you find yourself thankful for the company. “Now it’s only fair you tell me why you’re here alone,” you tell him. “I mean, you know my secret.”

“Something tells me you have many more secrets,” he smirks. “And I intend to find out at least one more before the night is over.”

“Quid pro quo, sir,” you chuckle. “I don’t give away secrets without getting one in return.”

He’s so easy to talk to, and he’s quite chipper, making it impossible for you to continue to wallow in your misery. It only took 10 minutes for you to completely forget why you’re here. Instead, you were 100% focused on your new friend, and before you knew it an entire hour had passed.

“Did you enjoy that one?” he asks, pointing to your empty glass. “Want another?” He starts to wave the bartender back over but you grab his arm and pull it down.

“No, I’m alright,” you tell him. “I really should get going. Some of us have day jobs,” you smirk and stand up from the barstool. “Thank you for the drinks and the company.” You grab your purse and put it over your shoulder and start to leave.

“Wait!” He grabs your arm and jumps down from his stool. “Can I walk you home?”

“You don’t even know my name, Mr. Deacon,” you smile.

He starts to chuckle. “Well that’s not fair, is it? You know my name.”

“Maybe you should have asked me for mine,” you smirk and walk away. He’s not letting you get away that easy. As soon as you make it out to the sidewalk, he runs and stands in front of you. “You’re quite persistent, aren’t you?” you giggle.

“If I guess your name, can I walk you home?” He’s got that cheeky grin on his face again and you realize at this very moment that it makes it impossible to tell him no.

“Go on then,” you grin.

He closes his eyes and puts his fingers to his head as if he’s having some psychic vision. “Ah. Yes. Your name is Y/N.” That cheeky smirk draws back on his face and he hooks his arm, beckoning you to latch yours into it.

You shake your head and chuckle, latching your arm to his and start walking. “All you had to do was ask me instead of the bartender. I would have told you.”

“Ah, but it was more fun this way,” he giggles. You don’t walk far. Your place is right next door to the pub and he’s confused. “Why’d you stop?”

“Because this is my place,” you chuckle and point. “Thanks for making sure I got home safely.”

He gives you a side-eyed grin, wondering how you managed to get one over on him. He was doing his best to be the cheeky one here, but it looks like you’re just as good at dishing it out as he is. “Can we at least walk the block? So I don’t feel like a complete idiot?” he laughs.

“I’ll give you one block,” you smile. “That’s it.”

One block turned into two, then three, and by the time the two of you stop walking you realize that it’s been five or six, maybe even more, and your face was starting to get literally sore from all the smiling you were doing. Neither one of you was paying attention to your surroundings anymore. The conversation was flowing, and the company was nice too. It wasn’t until you reached the park that you snapped out of the minor daze and realized where you were. “Looks like we went a bit further than a block,” he chuckles. “Guess we should turn back.”

You take your arm from his and go sit on a nearby bench. “I don’t want to,” you say, quite flatly, and sigh as you plop yourself down. You weren’t feeling anything but normal while you were in the pub, but the longer you were in the night air, the more immense your buzz became. And the stronger your buzz became, the less restrictive your thoughts and words were. You weren’t completely without your wits. You just weren’t exactly making sure you held anything back anymore, which is why he heard all about your ex and your best friend. How you caught them in your bed and how you can’t even sleep in it anymore. And when you sat down, your emotions were starting to build up again.

He noticed, and he wanted to do everything he could to stop them again. “You’re much prettier when you smile,” he says as he sits next to you and rests his arm on the bench behind you and pulls a cigarette from his pocket. “I worked hard to get you to smile and I’m not going to allow all of my hard work to go to waste.” He lights the cigarette and takes a drag before handing it to you. “So we’re going to sit here until you start smiling again.”

“You’re a nice guy, John,” you smile. “Shame I’m not a bit older. I could have snagged you for myself.” You have no idea why you said it, but you did, and you can’t take it back now. Of course, your buzz doesn’t stop you from saying things you’ll probably regret tomorrow when you’re sober. “I am trying to figure out why you’re not trying to make a move on me though.”

“I’m sitting here on a park bench at 9:00 at night with a pretty girl that I was buying drinks for at a pub,” he laughs. “This is my move.”

You pretend to be shocked. “You mean to tell me this whole time you were trying to fool me into thinking you actually find me interesting?”

“I wouldn’t have put in almost two hours of effort if I didn’t find you interesting,” he grins. “I was actually going to bring you home and ask if I could see you again. Without alcohol being involved next time, of course.”

You turn your body so you're facing him now and smile. It’s not the buzz that’s drawn you to him. You weren’t even feeling any of the effects when you started talking to him at the pub. He’s nice. And funny. And freaking adorable with his hair that you’re struggling to refrain from playing with. And when he smiles at you? It just makes him even more appealing. You’ve never been drawn to older men before, but this one? Well, he’s making it really hard not to be drawn to him. “Bring me home,” you blurt out without even thinking of how your bluntness could be construed.

“Mine or yours?” he smirks. “Because mine?” he points. “Right across the street.” This isn’t what your intent was at all. Your plan was to walk back to yours, ask him when you were going to see him again, and go inside and pass out on the sofa you’ve been sleeping on for the past week. But… Well…

“Right across the street, huh?” you grin. “If I didn’t know any better, John, I’d think you’re trying to…”

“Is it working?” he laughs. “Because I’m really not trying too hard. But I can if I need to.”

You shift yourself a little bit closer to him and giggle. “Maybe try just a little bit harder so I don’t feel like I’m being too easy.”

“Hmm,” he murmurs as he shifts himself, too. “What if I were to tell you that I can make you forget all of your troubles, if only for one night.”

You look up to the sky, pretending to be deep in thought before looking back at him with a grin. “All of my troubles?”

“All of them,” he grins. “Anything that’s bothering that pretty little head of yours.”

“Sounds tempting,” you smile and say softly. “But I may need just a little more convincing.”

“Alright then,” he chuckles, leaning his face close to yours. “What if I were to kiss you right now?”

“It may help,” you smile. “But I’m not sure.” It’s quiet. You’re in the middle of the city, but it’s quiet. No cars passing by. No voices in the background. Just you and John, sitting on this park bench, the only light coming from the dimly-lit lamp across the path.

You look into his eyes, feeling almost threatened by how badly you want this. He smiles as he leans in closer, covering your lips with his. You respond immediately, his lips softer than you imagined they would be, and when he subtly prodded your mouth with his tongue, you had no qualms with letting him do it. He slowly pulled back and smiled at you again. “So, mine?” he chuckles.

As soon as his keys fall on the foyer table, you’re on each other, his hands holding your shoulders as he guides you into the bedroom, your mouths never separating, both of you giggling excitedly the whole way. As soon as he kicks the door to his bedroom shut, you pull his shirt off, rubbing your hands all over him as he pulls at your blouse until he takes it off. His hands work quickly on your bra until that, too, was in the pile on the floor, then your pants, and then your panties.

Your chest is rising and falling in slow, gentle movements as a faint smile dresses his lips. The whole moment is surreal, never a situation you ever even fantasized about being in. The soft glow of the moonlight shining through his bedroom window caresses your body as you lay on the bed. He tried to resist the desire burning inside since the second he laid eyes on you, but it was a futile effort. He leans down and softly kisses your neck and you moan lightly at his touch. His hand slides gently down your chest, following the curve of your breasts as his lips follow slowly behind. His hand slowly makes its way down the curve of your stomach, and you part your thighs, making it easy for him to find his way to the growing heat between them. With a soft sigh, your mouth parts, your tongue brushing your lips each time he runs a fingertip up and down your slit, gently touching that magic spot and circling it with the tip of his finger.

He wanted to see how long he could make you last before begging him for more, but watching how turned on you are made it impossible. The stiffness was starting to burn, practically intensifying into an ache just thinking about being inside you. He moves his hand and stands up, undoing his waistband and sliding his pants off, never taking his eyes off you. Perhaps now you can tease him, you think, and move your hand between your thighs and begin rubbing those lips that tempt him so damn badly. He stands there and watches for a moment before climbing back on the bed, putting himself in the perfect position as he lowers his head and looks up to you with a grin. He slides the tip of his tongue just around your entrance, swirling his tongue around to get a good taste. "You taste so sweet," he murmurs, feeling a faint tremble inside your core. "I could stay here for fucking days." Easing just up between your lips, just back to that spot that made you throb, he teases, licking and sucking, as the combination of your soft whimpers, trembles, and sweet scent triggers everything inside him. He savors every drop of your sweetness. With each soft moan, every lift of your hips, his arousal grows so fast he’s aware that it might just end up wasted on the bed.

He eases a long finger into you and bends it forward, gently massaged that sweet spot just at the front of your core before sliding another finger in, pressing his thumb against your clit. “Oh my god,” you murmur. “Please, John.” It’s hard for you to form your words, but you struggle until you do. “Please, get inside me. I need to feel you inside me.”

"You like that, doll?" He plunges deeper with demanding, hard thrusts.

"Yes," you whimper, raising your hips. “God, yes.”

Your desire burns through John's already aching erection, fueling him even more. “Tell me again, Y/N. Tell me you like what I'm doing."

“Yes. Please." Your voice is shaky and desperate. “I… Fuck, John.” You both start to laugh and he moves his fingers out of you, still rubbing your essence as he moves himself over you, falling into a deep kiss.

Sliding between your thighs, he slowly inches his cock deep inside you. “Like a glove,” he smirks. “Tight. Perfect.” He savors the feel, as do you, before he starts to roll his hips, pulsing himself in and out as he holds the sides of your head with his palms. Your hands reach around to his back, your nails digging deep into him with every thrust. “How do you like it?” he grunts. “Tell me what you like.”

“This,” you groan. “You feel perfect just like this.” And he does. The throbbing of his cock inside of you is fucking wonderful. But you wanted more. You needed more. He needed more – you can tell by the panting grunts he’s making in your ear. All he needs is for you to tell him. “Harder, John,” you whimper. “Fuck me harder.”

He picks himself up and the smirk on his face lets you know that’s exactly what he was waiting to hear. He pulls you close to him as he kneels in front of you and pushes himself inside you with a force that almost knocks the wind out of you, never relaxing it as he holds your knees apart and his thrusting becomes faster. “Christ, Y/N,” gasps, moving his hands from your knees so he can squeeze your thighs before he falls back down to you.

Your thighs tense, pulling him deeper. Clenching. Tensing. You’re dying to cum, desperate to feel satisfaction flowing from both of you. Still pulsing inside you, he brushes the hair from your face, your eyes glazed with lust. He kisses you gently, his eyes wide open, the moonlight painting a beautiful picture in his eyes. “I’m ready,” you whisper. “I need to cum.”

“Cum for me,” he groans. “All for me.” Pleasure flows over every inch of you body like crashing hot waves. “Come on.”

“Oh, God,” you wince. “Fuck…” His breath deepens and you see his jaw tense as he pushes relentlessly inside you, exploding into orgasm in unison. Every fiber of your body trembles in satisfaction. You hold each other close, the waves of you orgasms still moved through your bodies. He kisses you deeply with long strokes of his tongue. “Stay inside me. Please.”

Your gentle whisper rings in his ear. He didn't want to move either, not want this moment to end. The feeling is just too good to ignore. Looking deep into your eyes, he kisses you again. “But if I stay like this, then we’ll be wasting the rest of the night,” he smiles before slowly easing himself out of you and laying next to you on his back. “Unless you’re done with me and want to go home.”

“Absolutely not,” you laugh. “You said you’d make me forget all my troubles for one night.” You turn and rest your head on his chest. “And by my calculations, we still have a few hours to go.”

“And what about your day job?” he chuckles.

You raise yourself up and look over to his nightstand. “I see a phone over there,” you smirk. “I can call my boss in the morning. Unless…”

He quickly pulls you back down. “No, no,” he chuckles. “Wouldn’t want you to forget your troubles tonight only to have to remember them again tomorrow.”

“Good. Because then all of this would have been a waste of my time,” you giggle. “I don’t like wasting my time.”

His laughter starts to roar and he sits up, climbs out of the bed and puts his pants on, walks to the doorway and turns around. “Are you hungry? I’m hungry.”

“Wow, and he’s good with the sweet pillow talk too,” you giggle. “I am actually hungry, yes.” He smiles and nods his head before walking out. All you can do is chuckle to yourself. This was definitely not the night you planned on having, or even the night you wanted to have, but here you are, in John Deacon’s bed, wondering what perfect planetary alignment had to happen in order for this to be your current reality. No use in trying to figure it out now, though, so you throw on the first shirt you find – the button down one he was wearing before you tore it off of him – and walk out of the bedroom.

You don’t want to snoop around, but you do take notice of the décor in the living area. You didn’t see it when you first came in since you were rushing to the bedroom. Being that he’s a musician, the instruments weren’t a shock at all. You did notice some picture frames but didn’t bother looking at their contents. Instead, you follow the noise and walk into the kitchen where he’s shuffling things around, and lean back on the counter. He’s pleasantly surprised when he turns around and sees you standing there. “Do you make it a habit to sneak up on people?”

“Do you make it a habit to leave naked girls in your bed?”

“Never,” he says. “If they’re naked I always make sure I’m there with them.”

You raise your brow and smirk. “Then why’d you leave me there?”

He throws whatever he was holding in his hands on the counter, chuckles deeply and walks over to you, grabbing your waist and pulling you close. “Because I was hoping to walk back in there, see you laying there, and pretend like I was seeing you for the first time all over again.” He leans down with a smile and gives you a quick kiss. “But now you’ve ruined it.” You start to giggle, biting your bottom lip and try to push him away, but he’s stronger than you. “No, ma’am, you’re not going anywhere.” He picks you up and seats you on the counter. He bites his bottom lip and smiles. “I’m glad I met you.”

“I’m glad you met me, too,” you giggle. “Do you have ice cream?”

“Ice cream?” he laughs. ”Yes, I have ice cream.”

“I want ice cream,” you grin.

“She wants ice cream,” he jokingly mumbles. “Guess we need to get the lady ice cream.” He walks to the freezer, grabs the container of ice cream, grabs two spoons from a drawer and walks back over to you. “If I give you my ice cream, you have to give me your number.”

You take a spoon from his hand and take a spoonful of the ice cream. “If I give you my number, you have to make sure you call it.”

“I will definitely call it.” He rubs a hand on your thigh and smiles. “This wasn’t my intention when I started talking to you tonight. I want you to know that.”

“I know,” you smile. “That’s why I’m going to give you my number.” By this point, the ice cream on your spoon has started to melt and dropped on your thigh. “Dammit,” you giggle.

“I’ll clean it off,” he smirks, wiggling his eyebrows and squatting down, looking at you as he slowly licks it off. “Better?” he smirks, standing back up and giving you a quick kiss.

You wrap your arms around him and smile. “I think you need to take me back in there.”

“Yeah,” he whispers. He grins and grabs your legs, wrapping them around him and pulls you off the counter. “Because there’s only a couple of hours left of today. Then I have to start to make sure you forget all of your troubles tomorrow.”

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#john deacon fic #john deacon fanfic #john deacon smut #my stuff #john deacon x reader #john deacon x y/n #john deacon x fem reader #per request

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daveword1 · 3 years

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Three years ago I was in a serious wreck that wasn’t my fault. It resulted in three horrible back surgeries that culminated with a 12 level fusion with rods and screws. I’ve been on narcotic pain meds the whole time. I’m finally experiencing exponential improvement. The struggle ahead now is getting off the narcotics.

I’ve been through this a number of times before with over 20 abdominal surgeries over a 37 year span of time. The older I get the harder it is to kick the pills. I’m 100% dependent on them now. I intend to chronicle the journey here.

The first thing it takes is an acceptance that some uncomfortable times lay ahead. Bouts of radical anxiety and insomnia. Mental toughness is called for along with the knowledge it won’t be fatal but there might be times I’ll wish I no longer existed. My goal however is to be free of narcotics within three months. At my age (67) it’s dangerous in Covid times as narcotics impair the immune system.

I’ll be updating this blog religiously and rereading my entries to affirm my commitment. I’m open to any advice or comments along the way.

Installment Two...

I picked up a script for valium yesterday and had my first night in forever without a pain pill. Only had two pain pills this morning instead of usual three. Went five hours before taking last dose of the day of two more at noon. Four a day, down from ten or twelve just a month ago. Picking up steam.

Time for some honesty here. Countless times I’ve feigned agony in order to get my wife (THE KEEPER OF THE PILLS) to hand me up to three early. Had nothing to do with pain but more just to feel centered and normal. This is your ultimate proof you’re snared and completely dependent. This is when you’re lying constantly.

I have an observation I don’t entirely understand. When my consumption of pills was ravenous I was always adamant about getting off them. When out of necessity the amount had to be cut in half I was longing for the previous higher amount. Confused opioid receptors talking to the rest of my brain.

One thing I’m completely mortified by is the way I subtly manipulated a few others into generously sharing their pain pills. I did it by lying that doctors refused to prescribe them to me. I even intimated a few times I was suicidal because of my pain level. Lies lies and more lies. I was solely after the buzz. I’ve heard other people on pain meds awhile say they had no affinity or attraction to them. They complained such things as they kept them sleepy or caused disturbing dreams. They were the people who never finished a script. I’m one of those who gets a switch thrown in my brain immediately that tells me all I need is a steady intake of more more more.

I guess that’s the defining characteristic of an addictive personality. It must be something you’re hard wired for. I find the disease concept of addiction laughable. I’ve only known a few others like me and when we’d get pills from each other we fastidiously kept track of what we were owed back. Loan shark collection tactics weren’t out of the question.

Next installment will have the story of a younger brother who was hopelessly addicted to narcotics and his tragic end.

The Story of Brother Kenny

I had a younger brother once who enlisted in the Army. He developed back issues while stationed in Germany and was diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis. He eventually was awarded a full service related disability which payed him $3,300 monthly in the 90’s. Of course he opted not to work.

Back then you could still do a walkin off the street to most doctors offices and leave with a generous narcotic script. Kenny claimed his back condition was unbearably painful even though I read the condition usually only caused mild discomfort. He became a prolific doctor shopper. Eventually you could never see him when he wasn’t fully under the influence of huge narcotic doses.

I visited him one day and found him a blithering idiot. I told him I expected him to be dead within two months. He was visibly shaken. Nearly two months later I found him dead on his kitchen floor in his underwear. After the funeral people came for his body I found three different prescription pain meds from no less than five doctors. I’m convinced addiction runs in families. I, however, in many accumulated years of pain management never once od’d on pain meds. Kenny wasn’t so lucky and left us at age 47.

I took a large quantity of his meds home with me and hid them in my garage. I was very distraught over his death and someone gave me xanax pills which I took too much of. I decided to try and reverse the sedation with cocaine. My son later found me unresponsive and called an ambulance. I’m told I was comatose for three days during which my brother’s funeral had to be delayed. That was my greatest humiliating moral failure I’ve never forgiven myself for. I still believe I deserve a catastrophic event as punishment. I scarred my family and took years to rebuild trust.

Continuation...

It’s six days till next pain management appointment. I’ve managed to sneak and coerce enough extra doses that I’m nursing along at 2 pills a day instead of 7. I know that if I manage to sneak more I’ll be in misery a few days before next refill. I’ll have to visit with the doctor in extreme discomfort it’ll take all I have to hide from him. Somehow that matters little to me. Soon as my wife’s attention is diverted I’ll grab extra pills. It’s what that switch in my brain compels me to do.

I’ve gotten to the point that every aspect of my life seems dependent on having narcotics onboard. Visiting family, playing guitar, picking up groceries, even having grandkids over all require narcotic doses. My life doesn’t feel at all normal without it. I’d rather spend the entire day in bed than to not be able to take pills.

I remember six years ago when we moved onto this rural street with fabulous neighbors. The first street bbq we were invited to I was in withdrawals from morphine. I drank a helluva lot of moonshine to feel comfortable in my skin. My wife had to lead me home. I later had to apologize to the host who laughed it off thankfully.

I eventually attained a few years of complete normalcy I remember well. I played music in public and was comfortable around people I didn’t know well. It was a great time. Then came a cervical fusion surgery and months later lumbar fusion after a car wreck. Back on pills I desperately needed for horrible pain. Back to the switch in my brain being thrown. I’m recovered enough now it’s an abject lie to claim I still need them. I long for the normalcy again.

A goal I have is to not take a handful of pills when I pick up next refill again. I seriously doubt I’ll attain the goal but have ascribed it as a benchmark I’ll have to meet if I’m to be successful getting off this nightmare roller coaster. I’m like a dual personality at war with myself. Neither has the power to overcome the other.

I’m waiting for a delivery of thc gummies a cousin is sending me from Michigan. I’ve used them before and had better pain control with them. I can cut pain meds dosage in half when combined with thc gummies. I intend to try a rapid taper by using thc which I could always stop with no issues. I know I’m gonna have lingering discomfort for awhile. I’ll likely end up getting xanax from my long time primary doctor for the anxiety, insomnia and restless leg that hangs around a week or two. We’ll see how this goes. Pain meds have been in my life too long. The pain from the fusion is at a level I think I can tolerate with mental toughness now. Here’s hoping.

April 22, 2021

Yeah I know... I’ve not written anything in awhile. Short whirlwind of activity. I got my accident settlement money and we bought a bus type motorhome and had a big pool installed. Also had to go out of state for a week for a family member’s funeral. That’s my excuse.

As for the pills... the last quantity prescribed was exactly half the amount of a few months back. I was still down to none by the day before the appointment just like the previous three times. Sneaking pills when my wife’s attention is diverted has become an art form. It’s compulsive behavior that embarrasses me but I seem powerless to overcome. At least the rapid tapering regimen is in full swing and being successfully adhered to. I’ll end this session by reiterating I’m tired of being snared by these fucking pills and look forward to the glorious day they are out of my psyche.

Long overdue update. In rereading this treatise I’ve realized my initial projection of being off pain pills in a few months is in serious jeopardy. The last dosage reduction caused me to hit a wall. The pain levels have increased and I’m walking like a bent over geriatric cripple again. I’m having to realize pills will apparently be in my future for an indeterminate time. That means the lies and stealthy thievery will continue. I so wish I could conquer this compulsion but the fact remains. I can’t feel normal without them, even though after so much time on them the relief is only very minimal.

I can’t stress enough how this is not where I want to be. I long for the time again when these fuckin pills are a distant memory. If not that then I long to take them responsibly. My brain won’t allow that. It isn’t even a choice available to me. The longing to simply cease to exist pops up now and again but thankfully I can’t do that to my family. I’m considering starting a podcast to address these issues. I know millions of people like me exist in this hell. I’m not sure if I could do it other than as an anonymous person. Who the fuck wants the world to know they’re stuck in this void?

#addiction

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squishymochisoo · 6 years

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four times - angel! changbin

genre : angst, angel! au, heavy mentions of suicide, self-harm, mentions of rape

pairing : reader x changbin

words : 2.5k

sypnosis : four times you tried to end it. but every time you did you somehow stayed alive. the fourth time you tried, someone named changbin, who claimed to be your angel appeared. with changbin around everything felt less less of a nightmare and more like a dream

you couldn’t believe your eyes. everything came with a price. you knew that. you wanted your shitty life to end so much that karma though it would be funny for you to suffer more. you glanced at the mirror in for the twentieth time. was this real?

you glanced at your wrist was no scars were found on your pale skin. you remembered crying your eyes out hoping that this was finally it. you remembered the black spots that appeared through your vision as you blinked and finally one last cut. you remembered the last thing you saw was your reflection in the mirror, broken and the razor falling from your grasps and clattering on the white floor, falling into your small pool of blood. you widened your eyes. it couldn’t have been a dream. you shook your head repeatedly trying to remember. you eyes fell on the floor. it was covered in blood.

blood? so it wasn’t a dream. you thought to yourself. but- there were no scars on your wrists.

you were confused. what was going on? you slapped yourself on your cheek.

“maybe i am really losing my mind.” you uttered not bothering to make sense out of things.

~~~~~~~~~~

“excuse me miss?” you heard someone tap you on the shoulders. you groggily opened your eyes. sunlight shining brightly.

‘where am i’ was the first thought. a single shadow blocking the sun from directly shining on you, practically saving you from going blind.

“miss? are you okay?” the stranger asked politely. you realized you were sitting down slouching against a building.

“what? what happened?” you asked the stranger. you don’t remember falling asleep on a busy street, where people were walking fast pushing each other. actually, you remembered things very differently.

“erm, honestly i’m not sure ma’am. i just found you asleep. it’s just your going to get a heat stroke if you continue sleeping here. especially in this weather.” your eyes widened. you instantly stood up thanking the random stranger. you wanted the floor to eat you up.

just how long have i been sleeping on the floor? you recognized this busy street. it was just a corner away from your previous office. a job where you got fired at, for doing something you didn’t do.

you had such a good life. but when your boss did something you never thought anybody with a conscience would even think about. you just wanted to stay late at work to finish up the massive pile of work that your supervisor gave that day. but never would you have thought it was the worse decision you ever made.

you remembered every cry you made that night, hoping that your boss would let go of you while he did the unthinkable. you remembered the bruises that stained your body that night. you remembered how you hoped there was somebody else in that office that stayed late.

you filed a police report the next day. hoping that he would never do the same to other women. hoping that he got what he deserved. however, he didn’t get what he deserved. you remembered being blamed for that. how that son of a bitch claimed that you were the one the jumped on him, that he was the innocent one. your colleagues turned against you. soon the press turned against you. next? the whole city turned against you.

of course who were they going to believe? a rich CEO of a booming company? or an employee that dropped out of university because he father passed away and had to take care of her sick mother who couldn’t pay for her tuition fees. which story was more juicier for people to believe?

that office building you despised so much. three months after getting sacked and no one wanted your ass to step foot into their establishment. people were bashing you constantly that jail was the one place you belonged in. your life became a misery, really a true hellhole.

you didn’t remember sleeping on the floor of a building that was just a corner off from your previous office. you remembered yourself climbing off to the twenty-third storey of that building. contemplating if you were really going to do this. you remembered yourself convincing yourself that maybe life wasn’t that bad. you remember to keep an open mind. however, the negative thoughts came swarming back in. you remembered yourself, trying to calm yourself down as you stepped on the ledge of the building. you remembered the keep happy thoughts hoping that it might convince yourself to step down.

when you glanced at the people below you seeing how happy they were, you knew you could never ever be that happy ever again. you knew that you would never see life the way everyone saw it every again. you knew, that you had to do it. not only for you but for everyone who hated your guts.

that was what you remembered. you remembered taking a deep breath and falling. and falling and falling. the last thing you heard was screaming.

but how could you be here right now, walking back to your apartment? how could you possibly be alive and walking. how are you breathing? how was there no blood? even if you did survive the fall, why were you sleeping on the sidewalk?

your questions were left unanswered as you opened the door to your apartment, the only place you felt comfortable in. the only placed that welcomed you. being alone meant you sought comfort in self-pity. even your own mother believed the very lie that the rest of the city believed. you remembered the very words she said to you when you visited her in the hospital.

“no daughter of mine is rapist.”

but you weren’t one. you were the victim that no one believed.

everyday you wanted your life to end. the two times you’ve tried to end it. it never ever works. was god asking me to suffer? is my life to pitiful that i can’t even die when i try to? or is this god’s way of saying that nobody will come to my funeral and that nobody would mourn my death?

~~~~~~

you stared at the pills sitting on your table as an episode of ‘friends’ played as white noise. if i die in this apartment will people even notice i’m gone? will my own mother realize that her own daughter stopped visiting her not because she banned me from seeing her but because I was dead?

it was said that ten pills of what laid in the bottle could probably kill me. the overdosage of the pills will work with a 100% chance. because the pill was that strong. and that six pills was probably enough to kill a normal human adult. but you wanted to make sure this worked. you wanted to be so sure that this will end your suffering instantly.

taking the pills out of the bottle, you swallowed it up one pill at a time. taking your time with it.

you felt your eyes shifting, your vision getting blurry and dark as you felt yourself throwing up. and finally you thought this was it.

and for the third time, you were wrong.

this wasn’t possible you muttered. no this isn’t possible. you blinked and sat up straight. your television was still playing ‘friends’, your table was scattered with the pills you took. and your floor, god your floor was covered in your own vomit.

you remembered yourself taking your last breath, finally being consumed in darkness. how is it possible that your alive and standing? was this a funny game of fate? was i too live this shitty live?

you didn’t understand anything. you couldn’t understand anything.

three times. three times i tried to kill myself. why am i still here? why am i still alive and not dead.

what exactly was going on?

~~~~~~~~~~~

if fate was trying to send you a message to stay alive. you certainly didn’t get the message nor did you care.

you wanted to end things. everyday was just a constant reminder. you were struggling with each day. you were surprised how you weren’t in debt yet. even if your mother wanted you gone from her life, you couldn’t help but still pay for her hospital fees. she was still your mother at the end of the day and she has nobody else that could care for her. no matter how ugly and horrible her words were to you. you weren’t a disrespectful child.

you stared at the lake in front of you. could this work? you blinked hoping that maybe you would talk yourself out of it. you didn’t know how to swim. but in this context wasn’t it good that you didn’t know how to swim? you didn’t know anymore. you wanted to cry but at this point of time, you were dried up of tears.

you rarely cry anymore. you just stare blankly.

the water was deep, you remembered submerging yourself in the cold water on that very night. you remembered the pain when water entered your nose in a rush and you gasping for air.

but when you woke? you were lying by the lake, wet but alive. you felt your hot breath on your pale palms are you wiped your wet face.

how was this possible? four times? four times and i’m still alive. you were so drowned in your thoughts that a voice startled you.

“are you serious? i have to save you four times? when will you realize you’re not going to die that easily?” a deep voice sounded from behind you. you jumped a little turning back.

there stood a boy around his early twenties? around your age. black hair, tall thin face and eyes a little small., leaning against the tree, looking at you.

“wh-who are you?” you muttered while shivering. the boy walked over to you and held your palm, warming it up. you’re eyes widened.

‘what ?’

“please stop trying to kill yourself, it’s really giving me a lot of work.” the boy sighed. you furrowed your eyebrows, staring at him, you pulled your hand away from him instantaneously. but pulling away meant you shivering in the cold.

“listen y/n, let’s get you warmed up and settled at home first okay.”

“h-how did you know my name?” you stuttered a little concerned that he was a serial killer, but honestly you really shouldn’t mind since he would be giving you your own wish.

“i’m not going to harm you… even if that’s what you wished would happen,” the boy whispered the very last part.

~~~~~~~~

once he got you settled at home and sat in front of you on your couch.

“i’m changbin, your angel.”

“what? no you’re not, angels aren’t real.” you scoffed.

“yes they are. who do you think saved you the very four times you tried to kill yourself? including tonight?”

“you? you were the one that made me suffer more?” you shouted growing in anger. angel or not, you didn’t care.

“i made you suffer more? look y/n you can’t just end your life so as you wish. you can’t just feel like you’ve had enough of life.” you rolled your eyes.

“yes i can. life has only been hurting me and i am dead tired of trying to live each day. “ you screamed your eyes getting blurry. were you finally going to cry? you felt some tears make their way down your cheek.

you saw changbin softened.

“look, live is hard, i agree. and i know you’ve had a lot this past few months. i know you feel like you’re alone. i know everything you felt since that very day was injustice. but trust me when i say, i know you, i’ve seen you grown up. i know very well that you’re stronger than you think. and that this something you can overcome if we do it together. i’m your angel and i’m sorry i haven’t approached you when things were really hard. “ you sniffled.

“but y/n-, please stop. i promise, i’ll help you. i promise that whatever you feel now, it’s going to get better.”

you gulped. more tears trying to make it’s way out of your eyes. you faced changbin. he smiled gently at you reaching out a hand in front of you.

and for the first time in the past few months, you thought

‘maybe life was actually worth it’

~~~~~~~~~

“changbin?” you called out the angel.

the angel popped his head into the kitchen, where you were cooking at the stove.

“were you assigned me as your human or did you get to choose?” you questioned the angel, the question was roaming through your mind since the day he stepped foot through your door three weeks ago claiming to be your angel.

“well, assigned”

“did you like being assigned as my angel? i’m sorry for being such a trouble.” you asked looking at his handsome face while stirring the pot. you weren’t gonna lie but his presence made your heart skip a beat. a feeling you haven’t felt in a while.

“well, i didn’t really got assigned to you.” changbin shyly smiled at you. you gave him a confused look.

“what?”

“i was still in training at got tired of training to be an angel. so i snuck off to the hq when they were in the middle of assigning babies to their angels. i saw your face. i just got attracted to it. i don’t know what it was.”

“i took your scroll, which something an angel has when being assigned. and then i was your angel.”

“i didn’t know what i was doing. but watching you suffer through the months, i wanted to hug you and tell you how you weren’t alone. “ changbin sighed and looked down, regretting how he wasn’t a good angel to you.

“but?” you continued for him intrigued in knowing more.

“but, i couldn’t. i never completed training but it was the number one rule to never show yourself in front of your human. every time you tried to kill yourself, my heart broke, i cried when you first tried to cut yourself. i couldn’t bear the thought of you dead. i couldn’t even think about how life has treated you. I was never supposed to interfere with your life. i wasn’t supposed to save you. but “

“but i don’t know what came over me. i just wanted you to live happily. i didn’t want you to die thinking life was this cruel thing. i couldn’t imagine my life if you weren’t there.” you stared at him. not realizing throughout the time he spoke you stepped closer and closer to him.

your silence was torturous for him.

“y/n?” he looked up and saw you right in front of him.

without thinking, you grabbed his cheek and gently kissed him. you were expecting him to pull away pushing you off.

but

he kissed you back.

thank you changbin

~~~~~~~~~~~

a/n : YEET idk what i was thinking, i should be sleeping or studying yet i’m here writing this! well i hope this was good! also if the keep reading sign is gone blame tumblr

let me know if you enjoyed this! and do leave some feedback? if i could improve!

also! tell me if you want me to write more? because i would honestly LOVE to write more!! 😊😊😊

also credit to the border picture xx

#stray kids #stray kids scenarios #stray kids imagines #stray kids oneshot #stray kids oneshots #stray kids changbin #seo changbin #changbin scenarios #kpop #kpop scenarios #kpop oneshots #stray kids fic #kpop imagines #angel au #stray kids angst #angst #kpop angst #stray kids x reader #changbin x reader

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b0oker18 · 6 years

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My First Post: My thoughts/headcanon on the relationship of Mulder and Scully pre and post “I want to Believe”

Disclaimer: Originally I just wanted to just share my thoughts on Mulder and Scully's relationship pre - “I want to Believe” and there relationship during “I want to Believe” but I have never really expressed my thoughts publicly before, so this becomes a much longer conversation. So it might get a little messy at some point. I say things like I may get into that in another post and then it goes on for three paragraphs. I just want to get this out there and don’t want to edit anymore. Sorry! Enjoy!

I just re-watched the X Files “I Want To Believe” for the first time in like 4 or 5 years recently, I always liked the movie (I guess), but never REALLY thought about it much other than the MSR scenes.

But upon watching again, and having watched season 10 and 11, (maybe i'll share my thoughts on that another day) I now see the movie with a different set of eyes. Specifically the complex relationship of our beloved M and S. I would like to share some of my theories/headcanon with the tumblr-sphere if there's even anyone willing to listen and give their feedback and thoughts. But please keep in mind that these things are my personal feelings, I have no proof that what i am saying is 100% correct and quite frankly no one else does either. Please Enjoy!

A lot of XF fans say that Scully is sad throughout the entire movie, and I agree, but in my mind it is justified (and please bear in mind that I am mostly thinking just in-universe and not the decision of the writers, directors, actors.) I mean think about it, she has a man at home, who is isolated from the world, he spends his days cutting out newspaper stories and pinning them to a wall in an office the size of a half bath. Mulder is bored, even though he does not admit it. (The pencils on the ceiling in his office are a dead giveaway). Also Scully seems to have her head above water, being a successful doctor. I don't think Mulder is necessarily jealous of that, but it's got to hurt him sometimes. Thats human nature! He lost his chance to tell the world of the things he's done and that sucks!

I also want to be clear that this does not mean I think that M and S spend their days in misery. I think that once Scully comes home from her shifts at the hospital most days Mulder did his damndest to put down the newspapers and be with his woman to the best of his ability. Given his circumstances however it must of been hard to have a fantastic relationship, when he probably never left within a 10 mile radius of there home. I want to believe that there was happiness in those days, and even though I don't think they were exactly fucking like bunnies every night (though in my dirtier headcanon I think the kamasutra was something that suited them in the Bedroom), i don't think they shared every thought and feeling about everything under the sun, remember until season 11 communication was never a strong point. I do think that having each other in those difficult circumstances helped a lot though.

I want to move on the the movie now and sort of get in the heads on M and S. At the start of the movie the FBI comes to “Our Lady of Sorrows Hospital”. They have an ultimatum for Mulder, help us and you will be a free man (which is ridiculous, but you know X Files and shit). Anyway, I could totally see why Scully would jump all over this, for a couple of reasons. 1.) Mulder will finally be free! They can see the world as a couple and truly enjoy their lives. 2.) This one may be reaching but I can accept it. I think in that moment, she believed that once Mulder accepts the FBI’s request and helps them with the case, it would make him see that “hey, you know what? This life is not for me anymore, I’m getting too old for this shit!” which admittedly was not bright on her part. But she took that leap of faith. BTW she sort of admitted it was a mistake several times throughout the movie.

Of course with Mulder being Mulder he dove right back into the thick of it. This is what has been missing in his life for the past 7 years! He becomes that old obsessed Mulder, who I always refer to as “season one Mulder” and because of that he loses sight of what Scully is trying to say and what she wants out of the relationship. Which leaves me to one of the more controversial moments in the film, when Scully sort of breaks things off with Mulder. She cant stand what this case has done to him. She can no longer take obsessed Mulder any more, there relationship has changed. There is no more will they, won't they, there is no more fear of if they got together will it change them in a bad way, which is the feelings I believed they always had during the orginal run. They come home to each other every night now.

I sympathize with Scully here a little bit. I understand where she is coming from. Her life is in a completely different place now, she is a Doctor doing work that must be incredibly stressful and difficult. Not to mention working at a catholic hospital that probably has zero budget and probably can not help 50% of the patients that walk through the door. Basically she can not moonlight as an X Files consultant. I also think what she said in the locker room (I’m not coming home or whatever it was) was a last ditch to get Mulder to wake up and realize that this isn't his life anymore either, which of course backfires.

Now jumping ahead to the end of the movie. The case is solved and life seems to go back to normal. Except of course for the relationship of our dynamic duo, which is still in limbo. Remember how Father Joe told Scully not to give up, clearly Scully struggled over the fact that God may be talking to her through a literal pedifile priest ( yea... I don’t have the energy to get into that today). This is something that she does not to tell Mulder through the entirety of the movie (remember what I said about communication). When she finally tells him, I think that it was the start of the thawing of the relationship which had briefly gone cold.(There is some symbolism in this with the melted snow in the make-out scene) Had Scully not told Mulder what he said I don't think he follows her outside. From there we know the rest. Mulder wants to escape the “darkness” a line that I hate (it's so cheesy), but I'll go with it. Scully of course complies, and they embrace.

Now I want to get into a little bit of post IWTB, which would fall in between 2007 to 2015 I choose to believe that scully breaks things off in 2015 possibly end of 2014, I refuse to believe that they broke up “soon” after IWTB, like CC had implied in interviews, no bro, they didn’t break up that quickly, just no. I believe that after taking there little island getaway things were going very well for M and S, I believe that Scully took a brief leave of absence from the Hospital and M and S got to see a little bit of the world together. Also I will fight anyone who tells me that they did not attend at least one Knicks game together, we all know how much Mulder loves the Knicks (Go Celtics!) (I’m from New England, so sue me!). Mulder and Scully's relationship to me is SUPER complex, there are so many ups and downs, and it did not end with IWTB, which I want to get into a little bit.

So I had a fantastic back and forth with the lovely and super insightful @f-u-carter the other day (you can read here the conversation was expanded upon in the notes FYI). It started with me anonymously saying that in my head canon I believed that “Plus One” came before “This” canonically, I had a couple of drinks in me and had some fun with it. The conversation turned into our beliefs as to why we believed Scully left Mulder (in 2015 not 2009 like CC wants us to think). I want to add a little bit to that. So from 2007-08 to 2014 I believe (or at least I want to believe) Mulder was a new man in many respects, I think he left his newspaper clipping days behind him for a while, and although he was still Mulder in a sense, like having many conversations with Scully about X Files related things. I believe that the “boredom” he felt for so long was gone.

So what changed? Why in the season 10 premiere is he back to being old Mulder? Again @f-u-carter brought up some great points and it helped change my mind. (here it is again, remember the convo is expanded in notes) I think that the world changed for Mulder in unexpected ways. He was suddenly living in the “Edward Snowden” age, where we are constantly being spied upon (again I’m talking strictly in-universe, I’m leaving personal feelings out of it). This could absolutely put Mulder into another tail spin, like a major one! Also originally I thought the 2012 alien invasion was the major factor, but I don't really feel that way anymore.

I have a feeling this frustrated Scully a great deal, I mean she got what she ultimately wanted from Mulder post IWTB, and know here is is back to “season one Mulder”. Given where she was in life, she just could not deal with it again, and it put a huge strain on their relationship leading to the break up. Look do i like the break up, HELL NO, do I truly understand it - not really. But unfortunately due to a certain creator and his never nude propaganda, it is what it is. I can not ignore canon, so this is me trying like hell to justify.

On the somewhat positive side of things, and I can dive deeper into this in another post, I think what rejoining the X-Files did for M and S was taught them how to communicate about feelings and realize there place in the world. Not necessarily working on the X-Files (but it's part of it) but more so that there is no one else for them in this world, just Mulder and Scully. Fate, God, whatever brought them together for a reason. They are the ultimate bringers of truth, the light in the darkness. P.S. I would love to someday talk about God in the X Files universe and how I believe he/she operates, but I need to collect my thoughts on this some more.

Mulder got his mojo back, and Scully I believe, and this may not be the most popular theory, learned how to forgive herself and let go of the mistakes of her past. The last conversation in “Nothing lasts Forever”, I believe puts some credence into my theory (you can read my theory on what Scully whispered to Mulder Here and I think I expanded on it a little, which you can read in the notes). She talked about her guilt of giving up William and her guilt for leaving Mulder (albeit in an X Filely sort of way). I think the final conversation in “nothing lasts forever” is one of the most brilliant conversations both in-universe wise and directorily wise (is that a word?), and I may blog about that another time. In short I think Scully always looked to God to forgive her, but as my Grandmother used to say “God helps those who help themselves” (i’m not religious, but I think it is a beautiful saying).

Last thing I want to talk about is the most controversial episode of season 11 “My struggle 4”, and some of my thoughts on this. A Lot of X Files fans say that Scully “threw away” William, I hate it when people say this. I can understand why people loathe this ending so much, but if you made it this far in this ridiculously long first post then maybe you can hear me out. Throwing something away is a lot different than letting something go. Throwing away implies that you no longer what something, letting go means that you care enough about something to know when to say goodbye. I believe Scully is doing so with William. I don't think Scully ever believed that she was suddenly going to be a Mother to William after being estranged for 17 years. When Scully said “I was never a Mother to him”, the cold hard reality of it is, she is telling the truth, being a Mother is not just about giving birth, but raising the child until adulthood. William (I hate calling him Jackson BTW) was raised by other people, and as an almost adult, at least old enough to make decisions on his own he CHOSE to be a criminal, CHOSE to be left alone. Scully in my mind accepted that. Going back to “nothing lasts forever” again, remember when Scully was talking about Mulder always “Bearing North” (I’m too tired to find the exact quote, sorry), I think she very much took that to heart, and she is doing the same thing Mulder always did, bear north. William knows that Scully loves him, but she also knows who he really is, something she could never protect, ever. To add to that William would never let her protect him, because she and Mulder would die doing so. It is certainly a very heavy burden for Scully, but one in my mind she has to accept.

As for the pregnancy… I have a much harder time explaining that one. What it does do though, in my opinion was put M and S in a position that they came close to having but never actually had. Being actual parents, like for good this time. There is no CSM, alien/human hybrids, super soldiers, whatever to take that away. Should we be jumping up and down for joy over this? No. But if we keep this conversation in-universe isn't it kind of what they wanted? There ages be damned. Could they of lived a quiet, peaceful, happy life without another child, sure! But what this baby does is change them as people. We no longer have to worry about Scully leaving for a third time, because Mulder has been reading up the latest conspiracy theory, putting him into another tail-spin. Mulder is an actual Father now, the new syndicate is dead, William can be whoever he wants (and yes I believe Scully and Mulder know he is alive still). What else is there for him now? Other than being the best older daddy and lover to Scully he can possibly be. Do I think this is some brilliant ending, of course not! But, under these circumstances can I live with it? Yes I can. (I realize that this part is my weakest argument, but this ending is canon and for my own sake I need to rationalize it).

So that is my very, very long first real post, about something I care about deeply. I never really had a voice to let my opinion be known, because None of my friends, family, etc. care about The X Files. Which is fine by me. You have no idea how good this feels, my thoughts have been cooped up in my brain for a long time now, and it was starting to kind of affect me negatively (plus I was laid off recently so I have a lot of free time - don't worry though, I was just hired elsewhere and I start in a few weeks!).

If anyone ever reads this post, whether you agree with me or not, whether you think I suck or not, the only thing I really want to do is keep the conversation going in a positive light about two characters and a show that we love deeply. I will try and blog about something X FIles related maybe once a week, every few weeks, IDK yet. (maybe some sports stuff to, cause I like that shit, but if I do I promise it will be quick.) And of course if everyone thinks this sucks, you will never hear from me again lol!

But I want to keep the conversation going, because it is so much fun hearing other people's theories and headcanons (when it is done respectfully) But the XF community is filled with classy people, and I love that. Anyway here are my closing thoughts for today. Mulder and Scully are incredibly difficult people to read. Because of the structure of the show, there is SO MUCH left unsaid and unseen. But honestly, I personally would not have it any other way. I think it's why I fell in love with these characters so hard. You can take what you want from what little we have seen from their lives, and make of it what you will. Some people think Season 7 was the “season of secret sex”, they were banging every night for like a year, and you know what? There is NOTHING in the canon of season 7 that says they were not. There is a true beauty to that. I honestly believe that. I have to believe that. My opinion, if you care, is that they banged twice in the original run, once after “Per Manum” and once after “All things”, but that's just personal headcanon. But thats it, that’s the show! If you want to believe that M and S proclaimed there love to one another every night during season 8, that’s great! If you still believe that William was a naturally conceived, and CSM only played a very small roll, if any in his creation, that's fine, if you want to believe that after Mulder and Scully had sex the first time, they spent the rest of the night reading each other french poetry, God bless you! Again please understand what i'm saying, the secret beauty to this show that I wish more people talked about is all of the things we don't see, we can shape parts of that universe in our own image, which many other shows don't have the balls to do anymore.

This is the most in-depth have ever been in regards to the X Files and I am proud of myself for doing so, I put my heart and soul into this and I hope you find enjoyment in all of this. Remember Mulder and Scully love each other with the heat of a thousand suns, and even though there have been bumps in the road, at the end of the day they always find their way back to each other. Typing this now, I wouldn't have it any other way and to quote one of the great female characters of all time “I’d do it all over again”. Thank you!

#the x files #txf #msr #mulder and scully #fox mulder #dana scully #the x files i want to believe #the x files season 10 #the x files season 11 #my first post #this might suck #it feels good getting this out there #I hope someone sees this #I just want some justification on my thoughts #x files and shit

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taetae-tea · 6 years

Text

Find You (Part I)

Part I --> Part 2 (will be uploaded)

Genre: War!au, Jimin Rebel!au, Reader Revel!au, angst, fluff, smut (indicated the future)

Paring: JiminXreader

Word-count: 5.5K

Warnings: lost of parents, death, anxiety,

Summary: The world has fallen down, people forced to go back to the country their ancestors lived, like your first love Jimin. It was only when your father disappeared from your sight, that you had nobody anymore. Will you be able to find your loved ones again? Or do you need to forget your own happiness and focus on the happiness of your folk?

Authors note: I’m proud on this one lol, hope y'all enjoy!

Masterlist

'Dad run!' You yelled over do big and humid field.

You are running, stumbling and scared to fall. Sweat is dripping down your forehead and your breath is very uneven. It all suddenly happened so fast, too fast if you'd ask. You look behind you for a second time, your father still behind and trying to help others like a true leader, still on this field what was once called you own cozy home, which is now being burned down to the ground by other camps and folks.

Women with kids are running, screaming and crying for help, men running to help the weaker ones, but they were not able to bring everyone, that could never happen since your encampment is quite big, at least 200 people living their life in little tents.

Normally, around this time of the day, the sight would be looking seemly, almost appealing to your eyes. But still it was nothing compared to the earlier days, where people were living in ordinary boxy houses. It wasn't pleasant for the eyes, no, but it was secure between those thick walls.

Being secure, that hasn't been a matter for a long time already, somewhat over 10 years already. A lot has changed, countries and cultures turned their backs towards each other, only because one single thing that happened. It was like domino, the one land reacted on the other, racism became legal again and cultures moved towards their own.

That was only in a time spend of 5 years, the 2 years after that was even worse. Cultures began making their own little folks and broke apart, that also happened in your country. It all happened fast and you didn't had a lot of opportunities but than to follow your own leader, your father.

'DAD! QUICK THEY'RE COMING!' You yelled even louder, now becoming impatience and anxious. It's not the first time that your land has been invaded by different camps and your own camp was quite prepared for possible invasions. But this one was not just a normal camp, this is one of the more higher grounds, talking about the government of this unstable country. It's not fair, but you've learned to live with it. You've also learned that you need to do things on your own to survive, to make things on your own, because nobody is going to help you in this cruel world.

Your father isn't coming with you, you realize. This might be the last time you see your father, the last time you will see him being like the best leader you've ever witnessed. He is a man to lead his folk to a better place, caring and defending those who decide to follow him. It didn't take him long until people would follow him around 3 years ago. It took him only 2 months until he already had a group of 100 people and they were all true followers. He is an amazing person, someone one could learn from. He doesn't deserve to die, it's not fair. But then again, nothing is fair.

It's almost selfish to talk about your own misery when others have seen way worse things, you should be grateful. But how can you be greatfull as you see your own father, living the hardest life, trying but failing all in a few minutes. It's only when someone dragged you with him that you wake up from your own thoughts.

'(Y/n), we need to walk, now!' A older woman yelled as she dragged you with her to the jeeps. You try to struggle against her strong hold, wanting to take your father with you, for once saving him. He has always there for you, always protected you. You can't lose him, who are you without him? He has been the only confirmation of your existence. You would do anything for his safety. You would die for him, kill for him. But still you seem so weak against the grip of the older. What can you do? You're just 18 years old after all.

'FUCKING HELL ___, THE JEEBS ARE LEAVING.' The woman warns for the last time, now dragging you with her as you began to cry out loud, conflicted with what to do. You want to help him, take him with you, but you are too small against this world.

Your feet finally started moving towards the jeeps, heart pounding loudly into your ears. It didn't take you long until you were safely behind the walls of the jeep, still stressed looking around for any sign of your father, hoping he would still turn up.

Then the Motors started, no sign, not a single word of your father being hurt or sad. No good-byes. No I-Will-survive. Nothing. You have no security around you, everything is running around you with panic. You almost become dizzy as you now realize, you won't see your father ever again. These jeeps will take you to another place, hidden from any searching eyes. He will not know where it is, since the place will get decided the moment we see it. He won't be able to find it, you, his people.

But then suddenly, as you look in the distance, he comes running with a girl hanging over his shoulder. He is running so fast, knowing that the invaders are right behind him to shoot him to death. It's just a matter of location and time that he will get shot, but the chance is still pretty big. You know this will be his end, so you look away for a split second, scared that you will see his death right in front of your eyes. You try to cool yourself down, counting to 10, but you weren't even at 4 when the car started its way to an unknown land.

It's at that moments when you fix your gaze back on tour father who is now standing still, watching the jeeps making their way out of the battle field. He seems to look for something, desperately. You know it's you, so you open a window and waved at him, trying to get his attention as fast as possibly. He sees you and he calms down, nodding at you as he stoke his fist in the air as a symbol. It's the symbol of justice to all who want peace, it's the one your camp uses too. You returned the symbol, yelling a good bye before you were forced to sit back on your place. Your gaze stayed on your father, memorizing everything of him, his features, his flaws. You won’t see him, not for now and maybe never. But on that moment you had sworn to yourself that you are going to find him, if he was alive.

‘(y/n)! Come look here! This painting is so beautiful!’ You hear Jimin taunt at the other side of the great hall, wiggling from the one to the other leg out of excitement. You’d turned to look at the big smile, chubby cheeks and moony eyes. You have always loved museum, even when you were around the age of 7. It was always a party when the school would be on e trip and take you to new places to see. You could never hide the sprinkle in your eyes when you heard the news and shot up from happiness. Jimin, your best friend at the time, was like your brother from another mother. You had the same interests, same way of doing and being. You’d be proud to call him your friend.

You hop to him, smiling widely as you look at the immense big painting hanging on the wall. The painting presented a field, tents spread on it. It looked joyful to you, seeing the people on the field made you question why you didn’t live that life. You practically have already everything that you need, but why didn’t you look as happy like the people on the painting?

It was only a thought of a child, a thought that wasn’t important. You soon would realize it wasn’t important, being only 1 year older until you would fall into a big black hole of terror.

‘I WILL FIND YOU AGAIN, ___, I WILL NEVER STOP LOOKING UNTILL I FIND YOU.’

‘Isn’t it cool?’ Jimin sighs as he puts an arm around you, secure, making you giggle softly as you feel embarrassed. You’d hold your hands on your cheeks to hide the redness. He, Jimin, was your first real love. Even though it was just an innocent child’s love, it was still the only kind of romance you’ve ever felt and you treasured those feelings. You’ve never seen him after he disappeared along with his parents 2 years later. It hunted your dreams for many years. Where did they go? Will you ever be able to find him again? Because if you mis someone as much as you mis your father, it’s Jimin.

You’re now, looking at the same painting. You aren’t anywhere near the museum, it’s actually some great distance away, since you’re now in another country. It’s not on a phone, not a picture. No. It’s standing in the corner of your tent. It still allures you, the way this painting is painted. It’s like nothing is wrong, everything is okay, while in reality everything is so wrong. Now that you’re living the painting, you just want to fall back to your old lifestyle. You could say that it’s karma for wishing something that isn’t that great, but how can you blame a 7 year old? But still, you like the painting. It reminds you of good times, something that isn’t very major in your life.

‘Miss, you need to go right now.’

Your second hand suddenly ran inside your tent. You almost panic at the hasty words, thinking that there might be another invasion. The last one happened when your father disappeared out of your sight and nothing has occurred for the past 2 years. You’ve seemed to have chosen a good spot on this world as the new leader. It’s between mountains, in the shadow of two great hills. It was first too messy to be able to walk through the thick woods, but after 3 weeks of hard work, your people managed to make a living between the trees. It’s nice here, you can’t be seen here, so that’s why you were kinda confused to why your second hand came crashing in like that. An invasion wouldn’t be the issue for sure.

‘Calm down Jackson, talk slowly.’ You try to calm his breath and he eventually did. He always rushes through his words, since he sometimes just panics. He normally is a really cool and humorous guy, but when something seems to go wrong, all bells seems to go off inside his head. He is cute though, also since he the only asian guy inside the group. Though there were a lot of protests first from the people’s side, you still insisted on keeping him. It wasn’t because you pitied him, not at all. He had been wandering through the woods, wounded and scared when he found your camp, asking for help. Though your group stand for justice, they still don’t trust the outside world.

They brought him to your tent, saying he had intruded ‘our’ land and wanted to kill him. But when you heard he was from Korea, your ears suddenly perked up. Korea is one of the most rebellious country, resisting to the way the world has been managed. That meant that Koreans are the less most dangerous people, for you. You’ve tried a lot of things already, to get into their country, wanting to show your mercy to them. You want your people to be save and in a country like South-Korea, was the best way.

But, like your people, they didn’t trust you. That meant that you needed to win their trust over. It left you with a question, what is the best way on winning their trust? That’s how you came to this place, between mountains and close to Korea, waiting for an idea. It’s also the reason why you let Jackson in your camp, you may need him in the future, when the time is ripe.

‘Were you again looking at the painting?’ He asks, still panting but curious to why you always stare at the painting. He found you doing that a lot lately, after the moment when you found the painting. It was weird to him, since you’ve never showed interest towards other artworks. ‘Does it relax you in some way?’

‘Yeah, something like that.’ You shrug, now getting off the ground to get your stuff, packing your back for whatever is about to come. Though he is a bit clumsy and funny, he still is one of the closer people to you. He is a great friend and supporter, he will never leave your side. He reminds you of Jimin, the liveliness of them both are on the same hight. ‘So what’s up, Jackson?’

‘Oh! Yeah, sorry, my mind drifted off. So, we found a way to maybe enter South-Korea.’ He announced excitingly and you suddenly couldn’t do anything but to smile. It feels as such a relieve to you, finally being able to reach your goal. You’ve really tried anything, from learning Korean to telling them all the stories you’ve went trough, showing how great your hate for this system is. But nothing could crack them, they held there posture strict and in just a single heartbeat, you were outside again. So, even though you feel relieved, still something in the back of your mind says otherwise.

‘Are you sure that this will work?’ You ask, now turning around with your backpack hanging over your shoulder. He nods, smiling at you as he offers to take the heavy bag, but your refused. You’ve always refused, taking others help. You’ve learned that you need to become strong on your own. It’s the one thing you’ve missed during the time you grew up in this humble town. You're now stronger than you were 2 years ago, but improvement can never hurt.

'They actually came to us. They said that they now can see if you're lying or not.' He explains.

'So like a lie detector?'

He nods, somewhat happy that there finally might be an uppertunity for him to go back into his own country. He very much wanted to go back, it's his home land. But the country is surrounded by furious other camps who could be as rough as killer machine. It's terrifying and a lonely tresspaser wouldn't survive the inhuman rase. So that's why he decided to just walk the other way, to find something close to happiness. Then he saw your camp. To him, it looked peacefull. Childeren playing around, women laughing and chatting and the guys sharpening some nifes to protect their own. It's nice and something unfamiliar, never has a camp been this peacefull.

'And they're going to test me?' You cock an eyebrow, not really believing that they would let in a whole different camp, based on a simple machine, it's rare. They've been trying to keep others out for ages already, and now they think this is a good idea?

'Yeah of course, you're the leader of this folk, you're the one responsible. I will be by your side the whole time, to help you out with the language.'

You nod. You're going to do this, if there might be just one chance for you to get into that land, you will hold on to it as tightly as possible. You've been waiting for an opportunity for so long already, but now that it's finally here was somewhat weird. Also since the task is that easy.

You got out of your tent, Jackson following your steps as you walk towards one of the jeeps. The car is already waiting for you, a driver on his seat and looking quite familiar. As you approach the vehicle, you see a person you know very well. It's Marius, a very old friend and trustworthy follower of your father and now you. He was one of the most best men in your little defending system. He knew how to slit a throat, but he also knows how the games work. If it wasn't for you father, he would've been the leader of the camp. After your father disappeared, you had insisted for him to take the place, but he didn't want to take the title from you. You are the child of the leader, no one could have a mindset as close to your father than you.

'Hey! Are you driving?' You ask as a smile appeared on your face and he nodded with a small smile. It doesn't get better than this, believe me. When his wife died 3 years ago, he didn't shed one tear. He was dead silent, anger graving up into him and making him the man he is today. Closed to the world, silent. He could only make a poker face or a small smile. You thought that it must be from the shock from the things that happened in his life, so you let him be. He has his own problems, just like you have and you are not the one to have any input in his life.

'They are on the other side of the mountain, a helicopter there is ready for us.' Marius informs. You nod and walked around to get next to his seat, Jackson in the back. He immediately began the engine and drifted off, because you could never be too early when it's about these matters.

The ride towards the helicopter didn't took Marius very long, only 15 minutes went by to get there. You've actually never been to this side of the mountain. You actually never go beyond the boundaries of your land, knowing that it's far too dangerous for a 20 year old creeping around in the deep forest. Though you've learned how to defend yourself properly by the little fighters out of your camp, a woman is nothing against the big an powerful men. It's not sexism, it's logic.

'Are you okay?___'

Marius notices the way you anxiously look around. You focus your gaze to him, shaking your head as you feel yourself getting real scared. What if it's a trap? What if there is a whole army waiting right behind those trees. You can't seem to imagine that the Koreans just suddenly let you into their nation, not a single good reason being said.

'I'm with you, don't worry too much.' He lays his hand onto your knee, giving it a slight pinch in a comforting way. You let out a sigh, trying to get yourself calm, but you know that you will be far from relaxed for the next upcoming few hours.

You arrive at the field and to your surprise, the helicopter with a few soldiers were surrounding the vehicle. You didn’t thought that they could be there this quick and secondly, they don’t seem as if they’re willing to hurt you right now. They actually don't do anything, no greetings, no gentle nod. It gives you the chills as you thought back to all those other times you went to the foreign land. They were never once heartwarming to you, actually quite scary and unreadable.

Marius turned off the car as soon as you approached the helicopter and the three of you got out of the jeep. The cold air hit your face and suddenly the wind turned up a few stages. It's different than the field where you live, it's all a bit more lifeless. It suits the situation, cold and anticipation hanging in the air.

'Hello, you will be taking us right?' You ask and the soldier, where you'd focused on, nodded his head. He lead the three of you to the helicopter, making fast work on getting you buckled up and to fly off.

It's somewhat an experience, a helicopter. When the motor started and the vehicle began to get its feet off the ground, your heartbeat quickened. cold air now filled the air around you as well, combined of the sweet scent of the forest.

As you fly away, you can see a little bit from your field with your camp. Everyone is seemingly okay. You can see the children still running around as always and the older ones working on their own place. You’ve always admired that about your camp. It must be the way your father taught others to live, he did the same to you. He never forbid others to have fun, to make their own little living. It’s different from most camps, you’d soon realized after 6 years in the war. The most would train, learn and double that twice. It’s the opposite of your little folk and it didn’t bother you even a little bit. Of course, you have a few soldiers, 50 in total, but they are free to do what they want to. In your camp people really care for each other and that’s why the soldiers always trained at least 2 hours every day on their own, to protect their loved ones, which is practically the whole camp. Everyone knows each other, it’s like one big family.

You suddenly feel warmth creeping up your cold hand, making you look to your side, Jackson shows you a tender smile, before returning his gaze outside. He kept his hands into yours and soothed the temples with his tump. You smile to yourself as you look outside yourself too. He always seems to keep an eye on you when you were acting nervous. It’s good to have a friend like Jackson, somewhat refreshing from the different-aged men and women around the field.

It was a long flight, you decided. It was an interesting one though, seeing all different kinds of places and people walking right under your noses. It’s almost something unthinkable in the world where you’re living in, but you can’t stop getting interested in other cultures. It’s really a shame everything turned out so wrong, because now you could only see these people by looking through the save glasses of the helicopter.

‘We reached our destination, get ready to land.’ A voice rang through the headphones. You held onto Jackson’s hand with a little more power, adrenaline running through your veins. You could hear him hiss, but he kept your hand in his, never leaving your side any moment. It’s when you were finally save on the ground that you let go of his hand, seeing how it almost became blue.

‘Oh god sorry.’ You breathlessly laugh, trying to sooth his skin, but suddenly got pulled out of your seat. You almost began to struggle against the two taller man, an automatic reflection when you get dragged along. You try to find their faces, but the both of them kept a stern gaze forward, not bothering to spear you a glance and dragged you with them. You tried to find the ground with your feet and that eventually worked, trying to keep up with the pace of the two man. You glance behind you, trying to find the eyes of Jackson or Marius, but the both of them weren’t anywhere to be seen.

Then the anxiety kicked in again. You knew it. You knew that this was a trap. They just wanted to murder you at the end and you didn’t even got to say goodbye.

But then again, to who? There is no one to say goodbye to anymore. Not to your father, not to your mother, not to Jimin. The important people in your life aren’t here and it somehow made you feel empty. All this time you’ve tried to keep your folk happy, when at the end, you haven’t even found your own happiness.

The two man brought you into a big building, looking awfully much like a military base. The building looks somewhat impressive and scary. There aren’t any colors or any sign of playfulness on this building. It’s unlike you and knowing that this will be your death, makes you even more empty. It’s as if you failed life at this point. You couldn’t even make a good end onto your own life. You’d always hoped you would die with family, friends and loved ones, still keeping your heart warm. But now you were going to die at some big ass building with not a single feeling attached to it.

They walked you through the entrance of the building. You scanned the interior, seeming just as lifeless as the outside. Though now people were walking around, doctor's coats or soldier’s one-pieces. They all didn’t bother to look at you, as if nothing bad is about to happen. Maybe you were wrong, maybe nothing is going to happen. But then the force of their hold on you wouldn’t make any sense. It’s confusing, but any other choice right now isn’t anywhere in sight.

After they walked you down a few different hallways, you ended up in a wait-room. They forced you to sit down and then took a few steps back, just keeping an eye on you while also waiting for something. You’re not sure what, but your intellect tells you two things. One, you’re waiting to beheaded. Two: you’re actually going to do that test.

The wait took terribly long and you were struggling to keep your eyes open some of the times. Normally you would be wide-eyed, waiting for your turn, but it’s different when the wait is taking 5 hours. Your mind often drifts away from reality, thinking back to your father and mother, still happily living together. You thought about the long night-walks you had with your father from the age of 5 until 2 years ago. He never failed to take you out once in a weak, waking you up in the middle of the night to drag you out of your little comfortable bed. You’d walk outside, hand in hand and looking up into the sky. The stars always come out so beautiful and peaceful to you, unlike this boxy place.

‘___, you may come in now.’

The sudden voice pierced through the room, heart racing again. You stand up quickly, walking up to the man who is standing in the doorway, waiting for you to come in. The room on the other side of the walls wasn’t much better than any other room in the gigantic building. Plain, boring. There was a little table in the middle of the room, a machine placed on the middle of the wooden table and a guy sitting on the chair opposite of your side. It’s the lie-detector, you think while looking at the pads with strings attached to it, they’re no going to kill you. It’s a relieve, but now the worries of these questions sprinkled into your nerves.

‘Hello ___, please come and sit on the opposite seat.’

And so you did, not hesitating one bit. When you were seated, the guy began attaching all these stickers you noticed easier onto your head and pulse. It must look horrible, you think. Like some over-dramatic police series, detectives trying all kinds of ways to force the truth out some innocent person.

‘So now, we will just give you a few questions. This will take around 30 minutes. Good luck.’

It was a small introduction, but it got your nerves up to a perfect 100. You don’t know what to think, no security around you. You hate that, when nothing is secure, unsuspectable. You need something you can hold onto in this world, which was first your father, but now no one. In times like these you really could use a caring hand from him, to remind you of who you are and how strong you are as an individual. But now you need to take things on your own and you’re going to try your best, to save your people from the almost terroristic folks who can pull a trigger against your heat easily.

‘Who are you?’

‘___, 20 years old and the chief from my camp.’

‘Why do you want to join our nation?’

‘It’s for the safety for my people and justice for the reunion of all the cultures.’

It’s going well. You don’t stutter, you’re stayed calm. It’s as if, when you need yourself to be a real leader, your body fully transformates into something so greatly individual.

‘That was it, the 30 minutes are over. You’ll have to hear from us tomorrow if you will be selected to merge into our nation.’ He nods at you to go out, so you simply did, giving him a small smile out of politeness, though you didn’t receive any politeness back. I’ll get used to it, you think and hope.

Once you stood outside, you let out a loud sigh. Everything suddenly went so fast that you needed to blow off some steam, to relax yourself.

You look around you, looking for the guards who took you, but there were no signal of them anymore. That’s when you remember you heard a vague sound of an alarm, probably for the soldiers to gather. Whatever the reason was, it wasn’t too important, since you got kept in that room. You also didn’t see any other contributors walking around. You decided to just start walking, thinking that you will eventually find your way out.

Well, that was false hope, because the exit was no where in sight. This building is too big for its own good, you thought and kept walking around. Then you saw two big doors, light shining into the building from the other side of the doors, looking awfully much like an entrance or exit. You almost ran to the two doors and yanked them open, only to be met with a balcony. You sigh, shaking your head out of disappointment and you wanted to turn around, but then heard a voice reaching your ears, sounding awfully close.

‘Lost your way?’

You whimper as you turn around, seeing a guy’s back facing you in the corner of the balcony. The guy is the same length as you, hair black from what you could see and a black suit clothing his well-shaped body. He has a certain vibe around him, a vibe just born leaders wear. It’s appealing, almost, you yourself getting interested in this newfound person. How did you not notice him standing there in the first place?

‘Yeah, I am... Could you maybe help me?’ It was a stupid excuse, but you somehow just wanted to keep talking to this mysterious but familiar person. Normally you wouldn’t dare to bother any of these people, not yet wanting to make any faults in this building.

You hear him chuckle, nodding his head as he finally turned around, facing you.

And suddenly, the world slowed down. The blimp lips, the moony eyes. It can’t be him, right? You look into his eyes and he does the same. He seems to to the same thing as you, eyes widened and inspecting your features. He can’t believe that it’s you, he literally has been looking everywhere.It can’t be you, not in a million years. This world is too big for rare coincidences like these.

‘Jimin?’

Then his emotions went lose. It’s for sure now, it’s you. You seem to have the same reaction as him and it confirms the situation. It’s like finding your soulmate, seeing you standing there. He has dreamed about this moment too often , as if he was constantly wishing for it to happen, but it never did. Not, until today.

‘Jimin.’ You sigh, tears now forming in the corners of your eyes and you see the same reaction into his, now both really realizing you’ve found one another. The both of you made no time in getting closer to one another and hugging him tight against you, not planning on letting go any time soon. His scent flew into your nostrils and it smells so familiar, like the JImin from back in the days. You’ve missed him so much, you realize, even more than you already assumed.

‘Fuck ___, how in the world…’

He pushed you back slightly, trying to find your eyes. He smiles down at you, hand coming up to cup your cheek. He pushed his forehead against yours lovingly, showing you how much he missed you too.

‘I love you so much, I’ll never let you go after this. This fucked up system is never going to separate us again.’

A/N: So normally I would ask if y'all want another part, but idc anymore, I love to write this story a bit too much hehe :))

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oumakokichi · 7 years

Note

Since you've talked a lot about "why Ouma is not Komaeda", would it be okay if I asked you what your take is on Saihara's differences with Hinata?

This is a really fun question, actually! I’vetalked about how Saihara is his own character, as well as his differences fromNaegi and Hinata on a more general level, but I don’t think I’ve ever gone intoexplicit detail about how different he is from Hinata.

I’ve seen a lot of people raisecomplaints about Saihara’s similarities with both previous protagonists. WithNaegi, the accusations are that both of them are “weak” or “ordinary,” but withHinata the accusations are generally more directed towards the fact that bothof them as protagonists are far more depressed than someone optimistic likeNaegi, and both of them struggle with issues like their own self-image.However, the reasons for why they grapple with these things are quitedifferent.

The most important point ofdifference that I would note is that while Hinata certainly “is depressed” overhis own lack of talent, Saihara “has depression.” There’s a world of differencebetween “being depressed” and “having depression,” in my opinion, at least.

At heart, Hinata is not someonewho gets depressed often or easily. Prior to attending Hope’s Peak, we knowthat Hinata was relatively self-assured. He was far more confident than Saiharaever was or has been; his use of “ore” as a pronoun and his lack of honorificsamong his classmates suggests that in a situation removed from Hope’s Peak andtalent, he’s relatively confident and considers himself on equal footing withmost people his own age.

As we see in sdr2, wiped of hismemories and unaware of his own lack of talent, Hinata is able to performadmirably when under strain or duress. He gets much more annoyed and fed upwith his classmates than Naegi or Saihara tend to, but he also holds himselftogether relatively well, confident in his reasoning and common sense. Even asearly as the first investigation in sdr2, he notes that he’s “doing a prettygood job investigating all by himself,” despite the fact that he has noparticular talent for detective work.

These small glimpses of self-assuranceand confidence show that Hinata doesn’t “have depression,” much less theanxiety that Saihara struggles with. Instead, Hinata was someone shaped by thetalent-based society around him. Hope’s Peak Academy and its rules andregulations forced him to feel worthless and inadequate for arbitrary reasons,like not having a specific talent at which he excelled.

Despite all that, Hinata feltas though he very much deserved achance to attend Hope’s Peak. He admired the school more than anyone, and hewanted to attend it more than anyone—and for that reason, he couldn’t acceptthat not being naturally talented was reason enough to refuse him access tothose opportunities. The constant societal pressure and the implication that “talent”was equivalent with “self-worth” eventually made him willing to throw awayeverything, even his own sense of self, in order to obtain that “talent.” Butthe point still stands that he wouldn’t have made that decision if he hadn’thonestly thought that he deserved to have a chance at attending Hope’s Peak.

Hinata’s self-loathing is aresult of societal pressure and the dissonance caused by knowing that he hasworth as a human being but being told otherwise by Hope’s Peak and the worldaround him. When thrust into unreasonable or dangerous situations that he can’tdo anything about, his instinct isn’t to lie down or give up—quite thecontrary, he gets angry. Even in Chapter 1 of sdr2, there are several occasionswhere he simply screams by himself in his cottage, unable to accept thesituation they’ve all been put into.

There are many, many issuesthat Hinata struggles with—but those issues are caused by society itself. Sdr2is a story largely about how Hinata and the other characters are products of thesociety in which they’ve grown up, products of Hope’s Peak, and how others arestill trying to mold them to their own purposes even now. Were it not for Hope’sPeak existing and perpetuating the notion that “talent” is the only “real way”to achieve anything in life, Hinata might very well have lived a perfectly normal,happy life.

By contrast, Saihara is adepressed person by nature. Again, he “has depression”—I don’t think anyonecould go through ndrv3 and argue that he doesn’t have textbook symptoms ofdepression and anxiety, in any case. As Tsumugi says in Chapter 6, and as hehimself says, he’s a “weak person” by nature. His instinct when things gettough is to pretty much lie down and give up, which is a pretty understandableand human reaction. Depression by definition is a disorder which makes it feelas though everything, even the mostbasic tasks, is completely impossible, so it would be better to not even tryanyway.

On several occasions, Saiharatries to simply hole himself up in his room. Right after Kaede’s death inChapter 1, he stays in his room and doesn’t exhibit much interest in eating or eatingwith others; Momota has to come and get him in order to make him join everyoneelse at breakfast. Lethargy, apathy, and lack of sleep and appetite are allabout as textbook as it gets when it comes to symptoms of depression, andSaihara establishes very, very early on that he tends to react this way a lot.

He also panics and loses hiscool extremely easily compared to someone like Hinata, who is noticeably moreconfident and self-assured. Saihara’s anxiety largely stems from his fear ofexposing the truth. Because he feels that he “ruined a man’s life” by exposingthe truth and sending him to jail, he’s absolutely terrified of repeating thosesame mistakes.

This means that he has far lessconfidence in his own judgment, and that situations which pull him out of hiscomfort zone often disorient and scare him. Constantly throughout the game,Saihara displays a fear of the truth, fear of the unknown, and fear of hurtingthose around him. He trusts himself very little, because he knows that he’sweak and insecure, and doesn’t want to “drag down” anyone else.

In Chapter 5 especially, we seeSaihara’s depression and anxiety reach an all-time high. After Ouma shows thewhole group “the truth of the outside world” in order to grind the killing gameto a halt by removing their desire to leave, Saihara’s suicidal nature isreally shown in full, without being glossed over or downplayed at all.

Prior to Chapter 5, there wereplenty of indications that Saihara had suicidal urges—but he often dismissedthem quickly, as though trying not to think about them. After using theremember light in Chapter 2, he remembers thinking “I don’t want to liveanymore. I want to die together with everyone else.” And again, just before theChapter 2 trial, when trying to motivate himself in order to solve the mysteryand survive with everyone else, he tries thinking about reasons he might wantto live, only to come back to the same thoughts about wanting to die again.

He tries fervently denyingthose thoughts, claiming that he does want to live, that there’s no way hewants to just give up and die, but in Chapter 5 we see for the very first timejust how hard it truly is for someone like Saihara to keep living. After beingtold that none of his friends or loved ones are alive anymore, and that theearth itself is completely decimated and ruined, Saihara simply goes back tohis room without even remembering how he got there, lies on his bed, and thinksaimlessly to himself “there’s no reason to live.” And he repeats that thought,over and over again.

He stays in his room for atleast two days without eating, sleeping, or showering. It’s highly implied thatif he had actually had the energy to do so, he would’ve simply killed himself—becausedying seemed like the “nicer alternative” to living with the knowledge that hehad. Himiko exhibits similar traits; when Maki rounds them all up to talk aboutthe remember light she found in the cafeteria, she asks Maki point-blank if she’lljust kill her and put her out of her misery. Maki agrees that she’ll killanyone who wants to be killed, but only if they use the remember light first, andSaihara and the others don’t disagree with this plan at all.

As someone who has dealt withdepression for years now, I can vouch that these sorts of depressive episodes mostdefinitely happen. There have been times myself when I couldn’t leave my room,eat, or sleep. Seeing such a thing presented in such a realistic, raw way withSaihara really hit close to home for me. It’s a horrible kind of feeling, onethat I’m not sure most people could understand unless they’ve experienced itthemselves.

In Chapter 6 as well, afterbeing repeatedly hit with Tsumugi’s “reveals” about the state of their memoriesand the fact that they’re little more than fictional characters designed forthe killing game show, Saihara gives up completely.He’s simply not the kind of person who can motivate himself or inspire hope oroptimism in others.

The reason Kiibo had to take onthe protagonist role from him was because Saihara simply cannot fulfill therole of “inspirational protagonist” in the first place. Being told that hismemories, his backstory, even his feelings were all “lies” made Saihara feelcompletely, 100% defeated. And were it not for Kiibo’s willingness to sacrificehimself and his speeches about hope and optimism (even though that “hope” wasthe wrong choice), Saihara himself says that he would’ve simply given up. Theonly reason he was able to return to his senses and realized the trap inTsumugi’s “hope vs. despair” choice was because Kiibo gave him a reason to keepgoing.

There are many, many times inwhich Hinata becomes angry, upset, or depressed over the realizations that hehas in sdr2, and in which he struggles to find his own path or what he shoulddo after being constantly pulled in all directions by other people for hisentire life. But he never once gave up completely. Hinata’s story has alwaysbeen one of trying to find his own path, of making a place for himself in theworld no matter what the cost, even if it means becoming a different personentirely.

Saihara, on the other hand(along with pretty much all the other ndrv3 characters), is highly implied to haveonly signed up for the killing game in the first place because he was socompletely willing and ready to die. Regardless of how much Tsumugi may havebeen lying about, the outside world in ndrv3 definitely doesn’t seem to be in agood state. I’ve talked in other pieces of meta about why I believe the virus,at least, was real—and the existence of the virus would imply that the meteorcrashes were also real.

There are so many hints andimplications that the world itself is so awful, boring, and ruined in ndrv3that most people are simply desensitized by now. The idea of dying in a waythat’s “interesting” or “entertaining” seems preferable to simply living outone’s life the same way, day after day.

There are several MonokumaTheaters that imply this throughout the course of the game (including one whereMonokuma talks about how he thinks the ones who die in the killing game are the“truly happy ones”), as well as the boy named Makoto, who we get a glimpse ofat the beginning of Chapter 6. Tsumugi’s comments about how she and the othercharacters are people who can “only live within the world of Danganronpa” alsoseem to imply as much. Again and again in ndrv3, we’re presented with the ideathat the outside world is horrible, harsh, and cruel, and that throwing oneselfentirely into fiction is the preferable alternative, even if it means dying.

Saihara, for all hisimprovement, development, and growth, is still anxious and depressed at hiscore. His anxiety and depression remain with him for the course of the entiregame, and are never magically “fixed” or “cured,” because those things are aninherent part of who he is. Unlike Hinata, who was made to feel worthless andunsatisfied with himself because of societal pressure, Saihara is simply adepressed and anxious person by nature—even the fact that he still seemsextremely nervous and on-edge in the prologue, prior to “getting his memories,”implies as much.

He and Hinata might strugglewith similar issues, but their personalities are vastly different, as are thereasons why they struggle in the first place. Were it not for externalcircumstances like Hope’s Peak, I think Hinata would’ve developed into arelatively confident, self-assured person, capable of leading others and makinga name for himself wherever he goes. He’s ambitious, keeps his cool underpressure, and has an abundance of qualities that would make him perform well injust about any circumstance.

But I can’t say the same forSaihara. Saihara is not someone who naturally leads others, nor does he wantto; rather, he’s dragged into the protagonist role due to factors beyond hiscontrol. But he can only truly shine when following someone else’s lead, be itKaede, Momota, Ouma, or Kiibo. He needs support and encouragement in order tokeep going, because otherwise the weight of his own depression and anxietywould be too much to bear.

He is really, truly suicidaldeep down. Not only does he not trust in his own judgment, but he honestly can’tthink of any reason why he should still be alive, because he doesn’t think hedeserves to live, on some level. This is what makes it all the more poignantthat he does survive at the end, despite his absolute willingness to lay downhis life if it meant ending the killing game. Despite his weakness, hisinsecurities, and his willingness to throw his own life away, Saihara at theend of ndrv3 is presented with the opportunity to gradually find his ownmeaning in life, even if that life is “fictional” or “a lie.”

This has gotten quite long, soI’ll stop, but this was really an enjoyable question, anon. Thank you so muchfor giving me the opportunity to answer it! I love Hinata and Saihara both somuch; they’re both fantastic characters, and I’m glad I could talk at lengthabout what makes them so different and enjoyable in their own way. Thanks forasking, anon!

#ndrv3 #new danganronpa v3 #sdr2 #shuuichi saihara #hajime hinata #ndrv3 spoilers //#my meta #okay to reblog #anonymous

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staciabimanyu · 5 years

Text

Dealing with Vit D Deficiency

In April 2019, upon having entered into a swimming competition, I felt sudden shoulder and neck pains on the left side of my body. The pain went on and off and became worse during the night. I was in my lowest shape in June 2019 as the pain started striking my inner ear and so I went to an ENT specialist to get my ear checked but the specialist did not find anything.

I initially suspected that I had a pinched nerve which further led me to a chiropractor, who I hoped was the one who could end my misery. During the first visit, the chiropractor did some physical examinations and said, “You’ve got a Thoracic Outlet Syndrome (TOS)”. He explained that the healing process would not be instant and so I need to be patient as It would take several sessions of therapy to achieve 100% recovery. I had no idea what that was so I did a Google research right after I went home. After reading through people’s threads and replies in one of so many TOS forums I have found (I was quite surprised by the fact that there is actually a lot of people who have been struggling with TOS), I discovered that the symptoms did sound pretty similar to what I have experienced, so I thought it would not hurt if I continue the therapy sessions the following weeks.

A one-time therapy session which lasted for 45 minutes consists of acupuncture, dry cupping, and infrared exposure treatments. Unfortunately, after undergoing four sessions of therapy, my neck and shoulder pain did not seem to get better, and the worse part was that there were some additional symptoms that suddenly appear, such as leg numbness and vertigo, and that was when my husband said, “I think you need to see an orthopedist and get your body medically checked. It is probably not a pinched nerve at all.” I completely agreed and immediately made an appointment with an orthopedist who had been taking good care of me when I had a Jones Fracture a year ago. This orthopedist wrote me a recommendation letter to the radiology department to have a shoulder MRI and Thorax X-Ray and I brought the results of such tests to him the following week and that was when the conversation took place.

The orthopedist : (Looking at my MRI and X-Ray result) All looks good. You only have a mild tendinosis in your left shoulder, it’s probably the inflammation that has been causing your neck and shoulder pain all this time. It's not a big thing but It is just kind of rare to come across this tendinosis case in a patient at your age as it is related to degenerative bones, which commonly found in elderly people.”

I was actually a bit worried, I felt like Benjamin Button.

Me: Is it like dangerous? Is there any sort of treatment to cure this?

The orthopedist: No, it is not dangerous. All you need to do is stretching, I will show you how.

After teaching me how to stretch, in which he said I should do it at least 4 times a day, I began to ask more questions.

Me: So, doc, I assume this stretching result won't likely be perceived until at least a week from now, my guess? Is there anything that can instantly reduce my pain?

The orthopedist: For now, I recommend to give you a steroid injection in your shoulder.

Me: How does this steroid injection works? Would the pain go away permanently?

The orthopedist: No, only temporary.

Since I was so in pain at the time, I approved very quickly to receive the injection.

When the syringe was pinched to my shoulder skin, it felt normal, just like another blood test injection I usually had. But when the liquid being injected, I can feel the pain to the bone.

And the conversation continued.

Me: Doc, any suggestion on what actions need to be taken if the pain recurrent or even got worse?

The orthopedist: I'm sure that the inflammation would heal itself in a couple of days after receiving this steroid injection and after taking the medicine that I am about to prescribe you. However, apart from your tendinosis, you have a sharp-edged shoulder bone which can potentially cause you to feel pain in the future. In which case, I recommend you to have surgery.

Sharp-edged shoulder bone? Why didn't he mention it in the first place? And surgery? Is there any better solution? I did expect the treatment would be less dramatic than surgery.

Me: Surgery? Seriously? For what?

The orthopedist: Yes, to cut your bones. You’ll feel a lot better after surgery.

“Thank you for your recommendation Doc, but no, thanks”, I whispered in my heart.

Sometimes, visiting a doctor can be so devastating, especially if surgery seems to be the one and only answer. Also, he did not seem to find the root cause of my other symptoms (i.e vertigo and leg numbness).

I did the stretching that the orthopaedist taught me to. However, a few days after the orthopaedist visit took place, my neck and shoulder pain got worse. I was so in pain, I could not concentrate on my work and one day I felt a sudden stabbing pain in my upper chest. I really thought I was having a heart attack and so I went to a cardiologist to get my heart checked. My EKG test result was surprisingly normal so he sent me to an internist to see if my GERD issue was recurrent because after reading my medical record, he suspected that the culprit of all of the symptoms I had was the GERD issue.

I followed his instruction and went to an internist. All the internist did was measuring my heart rate. She then came into conclusion that the GERD is what has been causing all the symptoms merely upon observing that my heart rate was so high. She looked at me and said “You look really worried and that’s the first thing that I notice from all of my patients who have been struggling with GERD. Their anxiety was written all over their face, just like you” Dude, of course I look worried. I AM WORRIED for not knowing what happens with me after all the tests and consultation that I went through. And so her diagnosis was that I had an anxiety disorder which leads to GERD. GERD ok but anxiety disorder? I told my best friend this story and her first reaction was “I don’t accept that you have been diagnosed to have an anxiety disorder. Dude, you are like the most chill person I have ever met.”

And neither do I. I felt the urgency to get a second opinion, so I went to the Second and Third Internist just to hear a similar diagnosis like “You need to be more relax and maintain your stress. It’s all in your head. “ I have never felt so desperate in my life before.

At the bottom of my heart, was pretty damn sure that those were not GERD symptoms, cause it felt different. I have been battling with GERD for years and I notice the difference. When you have a GERD problem, the chest pain that you tend to feel will be like the heartburn type of pain, which in my current case, what I felt is more like a stabbing pain to one point area of my upper chest.

I became more and more frustrated each day. One more additional symptom that I started to feel was that I can't stand to type for more than an hour cause my thumbs would start to generate a tingling sensation. It’s been really disturbing cause It made me less productive on my work, so I made an appointment with a neurologist to see if I have a carpal tunnel syndrome. After having received numerous diagnosis from many different specialists, I was a bit skeptical that this neurologist would finally be able to find the root cause and provide me with a permanent solution.

I still remember I prayed the night before the visit, “God, I am so tired with all of this. I began to feel depressed as it seems like I am only spinning around in a circle of a never-ending searching process. I hope this neurologist will be your incarnation to help me solve my health issue. “

The neurologist sent me to have an MRI (a different type of MRI from the previous MRI that I had before). It is called Braxial Plexus MRI. He also sent me to the laboratory to have a blood test. (CPK, LDH and Vitamin D3). Like I have said before I was soo skeptical. Another MRI..but a blood test? This is actually something new. But I thought let's just see. I brought the result the next day and went to see him again.

He looked at the MRI, “It's all good”.

I am not happy with his statement. I want him to find something. I want an answer.

Then he looked at my blood test and said “Ah there you go. You have a severe vitamin D deficiency. Your level is 9 ng/ml, where the minimum range should be at least 30ng/mL ”

At first, was like are you kidding me? I drank milk every day, I eat cheese every once in a week.

My husband replied with a question, “How is that possible? Does it mean she is malnourished?”

Me: “But I drank milk every day”

The neurologist: You can drink milk as much as you want but still lack of Vitamin D. You need to sunbathe. You deficiency is simply because you never or seldom went outside and did not get enough sun exposure.

It's 100% true. I never went outside my office, not even during lunch. My company provides lunch for their employee (which is good), but it is ironically what has been pampering me not to go outside.

My husband: So when is the best time to sunbathe and how long do you have to sunbathe each day?

The neurologist: The best time to sunbathe is between 7 to 9am, for 30 minutes maximum. But given that your level is so low, I will prescribe you a 5000iu vitamin D3 supplement that you need to consume daily. It cannot solve your problem overnight, in fact, it will take three months at a minimum for you to start seeing progress. But I am sure you will feel a lot better once your level is up. So, let's meet again 3 months from now and let's see how the progress will be.

I feel like what he has been explaining makes more sense to me than what other specialists had told me.

Again, I did plenty of Google Research to find out what Vitamin D deficiency is, what are the symptoms, and what are the treatments. I suddenly felt pretty relieved as I seemed to finally get an answer.

I have been consuming vitamin D for a week now, combining it with 5 to 15 minutes sunbathing. I have not yet been able to say that it works (as its too soon to tell) but I do feel progress, which is a significantly reduced shoulder and neck pain.

I am going to update you with my progress three months from now.

So, see you then!

#vitaminddeficiency #vitamind #healthy #health #healthlylifestyle

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voidmade · 7 years

Text

novel-length rant ahead

i feel so disillusioned by life, nothing is like it was supposed to be and i don’t even know where to start

first of all uni life has been a pathetic disappointment. moving out of a town(and country) that i hated was supposed to end almost 2 decades of pent up frustrations,b ut it has bought me nothing but misery. i worked so hard to pursue something i was passionate about, fashion design, and got in a pretty good school but everything flopped afterwards. the method of teaching rather inhibits me than inspire, the crowd is an omogenous flock of rich pretentious privileged kids i’d rather not affiliate myself with-i did expect to find interesting, original people with similar mindsets buuut that didn’t happen, and sadly- i’ll soon have to stop my studies because not only i cannot keep up financially anymore but my mental state slipped so far off i’ve been unable to do proper school work. at first i thought it was just my usual apathy or laziness but even this particular field of fashion which once brought me joy now leaves me indifferent. i cannot bring myself to care anymore, i feel unable to create- i haven’t had an original idea in months, and before i used to make artworks as frequently as i could, not even magazines, my biggest love, cannot warm me up. and this overall indifference doesn’t stop here, i lost my appetite to read as well, even though i used to practically devour books and read 100 in a year- i cannot even focus to read 1 page now. films don’t appeal to me anymore either. art galleries leave me cold and travelling or at least exploring the city don’t mean anything to me now. basically, all my love for life is and small things is gone.

second of all, my personal life is pretty much in shambles. failing so much in uni really affected my mental state, but a big part of those failures were caused by issues outside it, so it’s been pretty much a vicious circle. i’m living in a place which i absolutely hate, with a landlord who is not only the biggest annoying weirdo of all times, but a blatant racist, homophobe and quite sexist as well. i cannot even invite people over without him getting upset. and not to mention, i live 20 km away from the city and commuting almost on the daily s u c k s. alll my attempts to move out were pointless: i either don’t have the budget, don’t know the right people or i’m simply not the tenant people are looking for. this situation has brought me on the verge of tears so many times, and i’m not one to cry easily at all. above all, i feel so isolated from all the other people my age, who live together, have their own social circles and overall just...have a life and living it fully. meanwhile i just wallow in my misery, admiring from the side.

the other things holding me back is my financial status. i come from a lower middle class family, meaning we could’ve barely afford paying our living expenses while i was still living there. with me moving to another country, they’ve been struggling even harder. so obviously i had to get a job. but all the good ones i applied for, even in places some of my classmates were already working, rejected me, even though i managed to do my best at the interviews. so i had to settle for something so fkn low-paid i was basically exploited. after a month i quit bc it just made me below miserable. now i do have something else, better paid but since i just started i only get very few hours, which is not really enough to cover my rent.

and last but not least, i simply feel completely empty. i did get in a relationship but my feelings simply aren’t there.i did manage to help the other person immensely only by being there. and ending this thing just because i’m not ~feeling it would simply destroy that person, and i don’t want to do that.

also i didn’t manage to make any friends here, except 2 or 3. all my other good old ones are back home. so i feel pretty isolated.

oh and...all this fucking void i feel inside me cannot be filled with anything. attention, love, food, alcohol, sex, drugs....nothing helps. i cannot even enjoy them, they just somehow make me feel worse. i feel this emptiness so deeply sometimes it almost hurts. that’s the closest i can get these days to experiencing an emotion.

i cannot even talk with my mother anymore. i don’t answer to her calls for days on end. i simply don’t have the power to interact with her anymore. and sometimes even messages from my closest friends have to wait because...i simply cannot do it. some days, my biggest achievement is answering a text or cleaning my room. or simply showering, which i’ve been skipping even though i used to be obsessed with personal hygiene. it’s literally that bad.

overall, everything is simply...wrong. i know i shouldn’t compare myself to others but to me it seems that they just have it all better than me. they can keep up with their degree, they don’t have to worry about surviving, they have nice jobs, they live with people they like, have plenty of friends and all in all...they live their life like normal people this age should do. and of course, i feel envious. because i’ve been pushed aside and only admiring things from afar, never being quite able to get them for myself since... ever. i’ve missed out on lots of things and i feel i’ll continue to miss out on more. i cannot help but wonder, what is it that keeps me from enjoying things like a regular person my age? why cannot i have that life too?

really, it might all seem trivial but i am so tired. i just want to enjoy life for once and not feel like a reject. i want to be stable and content.

#i can't afford a therapist so here ya go #i wanted to complain some more but...#enough for today #i'm burdening ppl enough already

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electricpicklez · 6 years

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my head hurts: (depressing wall o' text)

I was gonna put this in under a 'read more' link, but apparently Tumblr mobile is even more shit then before and I just want to write this down so I can feel somewhat less anxious.

My job is going to shit recently, and that isn't to say that it was ever all that good, but I like being insured and being able to pay my bills. There's been this huge fucking shift in attitude about bullshit that hasn't ever mattered in the almost two years I've been working there. I can only imagine that one of the new higher ups is trying to make a good impression on someone because the dude is a fucking baby looking, green as shit know-nothing.

I honestly had to walk out yesterday because of just how fucking agonizingly depressed I was. HR couldn't give less of a shit about anything, even though I was told by multiple people that I should go to them. I'm sure nothing will come of my concerns even though I have a fucking witness and this isn't the first time I've heard about my particular manager being kind of a sexist idiot.

I think the only reason I've been there so long is because they always had a lot of time off that I could take if I wanted. I've never been good with having a lack of me time, and having those nights where I could go home and decompress were much needed. But now it seems like they're being really close-fisted with it for pretty much no goddamn reason.

I really want to try and stay until like October if I could, because then my stocks will be vested and I can just take them and run. They're over like 2k at this point and I'd love to pay off some debt. And I keep cycling through these nauseating thoughts as if they're reason enough to sacrifice my sanity and mental well being.

So I put in a mental leave of absence as a last ditch effort. I didn't have the hours to just up and leave last night, but I don't regret walking out at all. If my leave doesn't get accepted and I get fired, I could collect unemployment so it's not like I won't have some way to pay bills. Plus I can use my insurance till the end of the month.

I just... I've had more emotional break downs with this job than in my entire existence. I've never been super mentally stable, and I probably shouldn't have stopped seeing my therapist. But at this point something is seriously wrong and I don't just think it's %100 my job. I need to look into being medicated for bipolar disorder and extreme anxiety. I honestly thought that when I got this job that I was finally making some head way with being a person who could function somewhat in society.

I would never wish being born on anyone. Being alive is constant suffering and misery. I don't even feel like the good even out weights the bad. It's all fucking bad. Maybe I'm biased because the United States is nothing but a grotesque business aimed to profit off the backs of the working class, but Jesus, if I had a choice in being alive or never existing I would always choose the latter.

And we just have to accept that 75% of our lives are miserable. And that's supposed to be normal. I can't accept that. I fucking won't. Why does everyone just want to accept the status quo? Don't you want a better society where everyone is thriving and not struggling?

I don't know where I'm going with this. I think it's just verbal (textual?) diarrhea at this point. I guess I wouldn't be so anxious if I knew that my decision to leave if I see fit would be supported. But I don't know. My parents are a little more humble these days.

We'll see if being medicated will help. If I go back and it's still a shit show then I know I can make the right decision in leaving. I just wish I could do something, anything, for myself for once without feeling this enormous, heavy guilt. This is for me. I need this.

TLDR: I hate my job, my life, and I'm losing my sanity.

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albertcaldwellne · 6 years

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8 Steps to Determine the Perfect Workout Program (For You).

I get multiple emails per day asking me advice on what workout plan they should follow:

“CrossFit sounds really tough, but people that do it LOVE it. Should I try?”

“Should I be doing P90X or Insanity? I’m supposed to confuse my muscles, right?”

“I want to look like this particular person, what’s the strategy I should be following?”

“Should I do 3 sets of 5? 5 sets of 5 reps? 4 sets of 4? Ah!”

These are all great questions.

It shows that people are taking matters into their own hands and trying to figure out the best strategy to get in shape. And that’s amazing!

After running Nerd Fitness for the past 9 years, I know how confusing it can be for people to try and navigate a hundred different workout options, each claiming to be the newest, greatest, or quickest.

Ask yourself enough questions and visit enough websites, you’ll freak yourself until you become Tweek from South Park:

Poor Tweek.

I’ve seen people spend months and years trying to lose weight, jumping from one program to the next, and getting no results.

This makes me a sad panda.

I’ve ALSO seen people struggle for years only to turn their lives around permanently in a matter of months.

This makes me happy as a clam.

What separates the second group from the first?

The right mindset, the right community, and the right strategy for finding their PERFECT workout program.

This is the exact strategy we guide our 1-on-1 coaching clients through, it’s the mindset we teach in our online courses, and today I’m going to walk you through it, step by step (“day by dayyyyy”)!

Did you just start singing the theme song to “Step By Step?” You’re welcome.

Okay let’s get weird and help you find your perfect workout program.

Step #1: What Are Your Goals?

You’re reading Nerd Fitness, which means you likely have SOME goals.

Orrrrrrr, you just think my writing is so damn clever and funny that you’re willing to put up with all of this “better yourself” talk.

But it’s probably the goals.

And your goals will likely fall into one of three categories:

Feel great and look good naked – You want to lose weight (and/or build muscle) and feel comfortable in your own skin.

Get Healthy – Your doctor told you that you need to change your ways or you’ll die an early death. Yikes.

Be Happy – You are on the hunt for an exercise program that you don’t hate.

I like to refer to these three goals as the Triforce of Awesome.

Because I’m a dork, and because you’ll remember it.

Happy, healthy, look good naked.

(There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look good naked, by the way. It’s why I started training all those years ago!)

MY goal for you is to have you satisfy all three conditions to become healthy, happy, and look damn good.

It starts by identifying why you’re here in the first place.

Because let’s be honest: this journey is gonna be tough.

You don’t just want to just “lose weight.” You want to “lose weight” so that you can “start dating again after a messy breakup.”

Or because “your dad passed away from health issues at a young age and you want to be around for many more decades to raise your children.”

The more specific and DEEP you can get with your reasoning, the more likely you’ll be to push through when you’re struggling to stay consistent!

I also want you to be realistic about how much time you think you can dedicate to this journey. 3 days a week for 30 minutes? 5 days for 15 minutes each day? Only on weekends?

That’s cool – just be up front with yourself.

Here’s how to put it all together:

PART A – IDENTIFY A GOAL THAT YOU’RE FOCUSED ON:

I want to lose 100 pounds+.

I want to pack on 30 pounds of muscle.

I want to fit into my favorite dresses I haven’t been able to wear for years.

PART B – WRITE DOWN WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN YOU ACCOMPLISH THESE GOALS:

What is your “Big Why?” “I’ll lose this weight and I can start dating again!”

What would getting in shape mean to you? “A better life not full of pain.”

Who are you doing this for? Your family? Yourself? Your wife?

PART C – BE REALISTIC WITH HOW OFTEN YOU CAN TRAIN:

I’m a broke college kid with lots of time. I can train 4 days per week no problem for an hour. Great!

I’m a single mom working two jobs, so I can train once per week at a gym and the rest will have to happen at home. Amazing!

I’m a Robot with unlimited energy and I have come to conquer earth. Ruh roh. Email me.

Be specific with your answers above.

STEP #1 TAKEAWAY: Pick your goals, pick your “Big Why”

We’re going to pick goals that work for us, and then build on top of that foundation. Have you written down your goals yet?:

“My goal is to lose/gain X amount of weight by X date.”

“My Big Why is I want to start dating again/my wife to look at me like she used to/be an inspiration to my family.”

“My plan is to train once per week and then find time elsewhere.”

Now that we have a foundation, we can start to build on top of that. Like Fornite. #UnecessaryButTopicalNerdReference

Step #2: Realize Exercise will contribute to 10% of the weight loss equation.

You can lose all the weight you need to lose without doing a single minute of “exercise.”

I shit you not.

(What a funny expression by the way, it makes me happy every time I use it.)

If your ONLY goal is weight loss in any way, then exercise is not a necessary component.

No treadmills. No gym memberships. No terrible bootcamps. No feeling bad about yourself training in public. No hating exercise.

“Steve, you sorcerer, what madness is this?” You exclaim!

When it comes to weight loss, how you eat will be responsible for 90+% of your success or failure.

That means if you are only looking to lose weight as your primary goal, you should be putting nearly ALL of your effort into fixing your nutrition.

As we say here in the Nerd Fitness Rebellion, “You can’t outrun your fork.”

I’ve covered nutrition EXTENSIVELY here on Nerd Fitness, so you’ll need to pick the strategies that work best for you:

The beginner’s guide to healthy eating

The beginner’s guide to Keto

The beginner’s guide to Intermittent Fasting

The beginner’s guide to Paleo

I personally prescribe to a “pretty damn good, most of the time” strategy which keeps me in great shape, healthy, and happy.

So write this phrase down. Tattoo it on your forehead. Write it in the sky. Spray paint it on your garage door. Internalize this concept:

Nutrition is 90% of the equation.

Don’t believe me? Tim found Nerd Fitness, joined our NF Academy, and then due to an injury was told he couldn’t exercise.

So he did two things he could do: followed the plan laid out for him. He fixed his nutrition, adjusted his mindset, and built the habit of walking daily.

That’s it.

6 months and 50+ pounds of weight loss later, Tim is a changed man!

You can read his whole story by clicking on the image below:

“But Steve, walking is exercise!”

Yes, I know, party pooper. It’s also a thing we humans do every day, and Tim was going on short walks.

So although Tim walked, it was his nutritional changes – and his mindset change – that did ALL of the “heavy lifting.”

Got it? Good.

So yes, exercise burns calories. But more importantly, it reminds us that we’re making healthier choices in our life. Which means it can also remind us to make better food choices.

Just please don’t do this: “Well I exercised today, so now I can eat 5000 calories!”

Instead your mindset needs to be “Well i exercised today, so I’m going to stick with my eating strategy so I don’t backslide!”

STEP #2 TAKEAWAY: Pick a food strategy you can stick with!

Pick a strategy that speaks your language. Nutrition is the most important thing, so your time is best spent understanding this stuff!

If you are trying to lose more weight or build more muscle FASTER, your nutrition needs to be even MORE dialed in.

Here’s how to make better choices in a nutshell:

Start tracking how many calories you eat, education for the win!

Eat fewer calories than you burn each day. Eating 500 fewer calories per day than normal = 1 lb. weight loss per week.

Cut back on liquid calories, especially sugary beverages.

Eat mostly real food. Meat, veggies, fruit, nuts.

Track your progress and see how your body changes.

If you are a noob on nutrition, check out our free 10-level Nutritional System that simplifies the entire process! It’s free when you sign up in the box below:

Download our free weight loss guide

THE NERD FITNESS DIET: 10 Levels to Change Your Life

Follow our 10-level nutrition system at your own pace

What you need to know about weight loss and healthy eating

3 Simple rules we follow every day to stay on target

I identify as a:

Woman

Man

STEP #3: Do what you enjoy to Be Healthy and Happy.

If your goal is to look good enough and feel good about yourself, there’s only ONE solution when it comes to the perfect workout program for you:

Any exercise you actually enjoy.

Full stop. Exercise is only a 10% piece of the formula, which means if your goal is “look pretty good, feel pretty good,” ANY exercise is a bonus.

And that means might as well ENJOY what you are spending your time on!

Here are some suggestions for the perfect base level of exercise:

Running, cycling, powerlifting, Yoga, parkour, gymnastics, weight training, running, cycling, LARPing, capoeira, jazzercise, swing dancing, Beat Saber, walking, hiking, geocache, Pokemon Go, hashing, ballet, powerlifting, CrossFit, bootcamps, martial arts, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, Ninja Warrior, Dance Dance Revolution, aerial silks, acro yoga, and anything else you can think of.

This is me giving you permission to attend jazzercise classes regularly, if you enjoy them. Seriously.

This is me also giving you permission to never run on a treadmill ever again, unless you actually enjoy running on a treadmill.

Don’t suffer through a particular type of exercise if you hate it. There are plenty of ways to get your heart racing and your body moving.

Exercise doesn’t need to mean misery: you deserve better!

Think of it this way: you never get to “be done.” You’re always a work in progress. So suffering unnecessarily to reach a goal just so you can stop won’t work.

Stop trying to get to the finish line as quickly as possible – that’s why you failed in the past. Instead…

STEP #3 TAKEAWAY: Do an activity that you enjoy. Do it frequently.

Write down a list of “exercise” activities you love. Write down a list of “exercise” you hate. And then do things on the first list frequently, and don’t ever do things on the second list!

You don’t need to suffer.

Nutrition is 90% of the battle, so if you want to lose weight, get healthier, and be happier, pick a form of exercise that you actually enjoy.

To answer your next questions:

“But Steve I don’t like exercise.” You haven’t tried enough things! I too hate “exercise,” so I ONLY do things I enjoy.

“I have always wanted to try (activity) but I’m afraid to try it.” Use 20 Seconds of Courage – it works. I promise 🙂

Step #4A: Build a Foundation of STrength.

Okay, now we’re getting down to the good stuff.

Yup, eating better can help you lose weight.

Yup, any exercise is better than no exercise.

HOWEVER, if you want to keep yourself injury free, build a physique you’re proud of, AND get better at whatever fun activities you picked in Step #3, there’s a component that needs to be incorporated into your life:

Strength training.

100% of people, no matter their age or situation, should be doing SOME kind of strength training in some capacity.

Yes, both men and women should be strength training.

If you’re a woman, you will not get too bulky. I promise – I’ve been trying to get “too bulky” my entire life, and 15 years later I’m still not there!

Seriously though, strength training makes EVERYTHING better:

When you strength train, your body is forced to burn extra calories to rebuild muscle. This ‘afterburner’ effect of increased calorie burning lasts for 24-48 hours, which means 30 minutes of strength training will burn significantly more calories than 30 minutes of steady cardio. Efficiency ftw.

When you strength train, you teach your muscles to become more resilient and “antifragile.” From giving your kids a piggy back ride to playing frisbee to carrying groceries to walking up stairs, strength training makes you safer when doing everything.

Strength training will make you better at any activity you picked in the above section for fun exercise. Yes, even THAT activity. Let’s just say your significant other wants you to strength train.

Strength training builds the physique you want. It’s how you build muscle, aka, those things that most people want to have instead of being skin and bones.

So hopefully at this point you’re all:

“Steve you sly devil, I am INTRIGUED by strength training. But I don’t want to look like a bodybuilder, strength training seems not fun, and gyms intimidate me.”

I can satisfy each of those rebuttals with a single sentence:

When I say “strength training,” I simply mean “you are moving your body in a way that your muscles must respond by getting stronger.”

Your muscles are introduced to outside stimuli (you pick up your kid, you do push-ups, you carry groceries, you do a squat, etc.), and they get “broken down” through use.

Over the next few days, they rebuild themselves stronger to prepare for more stimulus (a greater challenge).

By building up your strength over time, it allows you to become more functionally strong and avoid situations like Mr Potato Head here:

This means “Strength training” can take place in a gym or at your home, with your body weight or with free weights, in a box or with a fox. The ways to strength train are endless.

HATE gyms? You never have to go into one. Ever. Christina lost 50 lbs without a gym.

AFRAID of weight training? You can train with just your body weight!

WANT to learn how to weight train? Check out our Strength 101 series.

This does not need to be over complicated. Start with two basic movements that you can do literally right now. Maybe even in your cubicle:

3 sets of 8 wall push-ups.

3 sets of 8 bodyweight squats.

I’ll wait. Boom, look at that – you just did strength training.

I promise you: get strong with push-ups, squats, and pull-ups, and you will be in better shape – and look better – than ever before.

It comes down to consistently training these movements and getting stronger.

How do you get stronger? Simple: “progressive overload.” This might sound like a complex term, but really it just means increasing the challenge by a tiny amount with each workout so your body has to work harder and adapt more each time.

And how you end up looking in the mirror and saying: “WHOA I HAVE MUSCLES WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN!?”

So every time you strength train, do ONE more repetition, one more push-up, or lift ONE pound heavier.

What’s the best way to do more than last time? Write down what you do! Keep it simple. Write down your sets, reps, and weights. And then do one better next time.

I have one final person I want to address: “You nincompoop, I hate strength training.”

That’s not a nice name to call me, but fair enough! Consider getting bit by a radioactive spider or finding a super-serum.

Otherwise, consider these alternative things:

Aerial silks.

Gymnastics and Parkour.

Handstands build strength.

Acro Yoga builds strength.

Hiking with your kid on your back builds strength.

STEP #4A TAKEAWAY: Start strength training today.

You don’t HAVE to strength train, you GET to strength train.

Pick a workout that doesn’t intimidate you and give it a shot! You can start TODAY.

Brand new to strength training? No Gym? Do our Beginner Bodyweight Workout.

Have a gym membership and want to train there? Read our “how to train in a commerical gym!”

Excited to try barbells and dumbbells? check out our Strength 101 serious.

STEP #4B: How to Level UP Your Strength TraIning Routine.

https://ift.tt/2KsRV2Y

#8 Steps to Determine the Perfect Workout Program (For You).

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ruthellisneda · 6 years