Testosterone

I feel like years and years of turmoil have stalled. I've hit a weird, purgatory-esque plateau in my development. I'm really happy with my transition. I like how I look. But I don't LOVE it. I don't take lots of selfies and get really excited to put on cool outfits or feel invigorated by shit anymore. Now I just wake up and do what I have to do. And I actually regard shaving as a hassle.

That's very new. Like it used to be this excitement about how much more my hair had grown every time I shaved- anxiously hoping each time that I'd get closer to a full beard- growing it out for as long as I could tolerate- then getting rid of it. Now, I know what's gonna happen. It'll grow out real fast. But not enough to reallyyyy be a full beard. There's no mystery anymore because I know it's gonna be a long time before it's actually a thick beard. So now, I don't shave it because I don't want to irritate my skin or get ingrown hairs or whatever, which is just dull- not so exciting. But also? Not bad!!!

I'm still super happy to even be having that experience. Just not in this insane euphoric way like when everything was completely new.

I'm experiencing this funny thing where like- I wake up and look in the mirror and I regard myself with this vague boredom. Like wow- I'm just some fucking dude. And I haven't been on a date in like 3 years. But now I live with my parents and I don't have a car, so like, when is that gonna change? Probably not soon. Does it have to change? Am I dying inside? No. Would it be nice to "get back out there" so to speak? Yes.

The fact that I talk about myself like a fucking middle-aged divorcee is part of the weird boredom thing. I think I'm starting to understand why a friend of mine told me I have "divorced man" energy.

I have gray hairs dude! I know I talk about that to an obnoxious degree and almost wear it as a badge of honor. But like wow. It's actually noticeable now. Like- it wasn't before, but now it is.

And I just look in the mirror and see this guy. With a little baby beard. And gray hairs. And like- who is that? Who is that guy?

I think part of the problem is transitioning actually made me overwhelmingly socially anxious. Like in my life I was always kind of like that, but it got so much worse. Not in a debilitating way where I can't go outside. Just in a lukewarm kind of overarching sense that I could definitely smile more, engage in more conversation etc. with people. The problem is just that I'm self-conscious and afraid to open my mouth in front of people that aren't also transmasc. Which is most people. So I just kinda go quiet.

Cause I'm afraid they're gonna like- think I'm gay or something? Which is hilarious, because I am. And I think about fucking men constantly.

But actually now that I think about it it's not just "not-transmasc" people, because now I'm in Florida and I have plenty of people who would like to hang out, but I am scared to initiate it!!!

I'm just so afraid that I'll ask someone to hang out and we'll have nothing to talk about! And if I'M the one to plan it, what do I even ask them to do? What if I pick the wrong activity and it's awkward or weird and they hate it? Or what if it's just a weird thing to ask someone to do to begin with??? What do we even do here? Go to the mall? Go see a movie? Take a walk? I wanna go to the beach, but a lot of the gay ppl I know here don't like the beach. But it's also stupid to assume that, because I haven't even asked!

A lot of these people knew me in high school. What if the person I am now is like- a weird dissapointment somehow. Or maybe in high school I was like- demure and quiet, and now I've changed, and they realize they actually don't like me.

Now that I'm typing this I hear how stupid it sounds.

Anyways, I also have to schedule around when I can borrow my mom's car here! It's demoralizing! But I'm not ashamed of my choices or anything I'm just kinda. In purgatory. But I'm really happy to be home for a lot of reasons. Like all the reasons I decided to come here still stand.

I'm just lonely.

And also living in a state of permanent repression of my desires. Despite the fact that I desire deeply.

This started out like I was gonna try and write something nice and poetic but I guess I'm not. Maybe I'll try another where I get explicit and then I can explore that part, bc I think this became something else.

A frustrating development with the growing lack of reading comprehension I've personally noticed is an emerging fervor of insisting things aren't canon unless they are explicitly stated beyond all reasonable doubt.

I can not emphasize enough how harmful a mindset this is to have. Yes, it's wonderful to have characters outright say "I'm trans," but to deny a character's identity for not saying that is dangerous.

Plenty of real people prefer not to use specific labels. Historically, people didn't have our modern terms or modes of expression. Many modern cultures don't use these terms, either, and plenty of people within those that do can't safely openly identify.

If the only representation you accept as canon is within modern (and let's be honest, wealthy white able-bodied American) standards, then you are denying yourself and others a huge amount of representation and seriously limiting the media around you.

i want to climb on top of you and pin you down as bros. we're just wrestling, dont worry about it dude! ill pretend not to notice when you start writhing around and panting, but you don't tell me to get off. ill pretend im not purposefully grinding down on you, trying to get you hot and bothered. when i readjust and end up between your thighs, who can blame me? we're just bros, your thighs are so strong, i just wanna feel them! and maybe i squeeze and bite just a little too high and i can hear your breath hitch and you card through my hair and i stare up at you for any sign to stop and when i dont see one, i slowly drag your pants down and you watch me drool over your cock before im licking and sucking like my life depends on it.

this post is GAY

RANT POST KMS

AS AN ASEXUAL I FUCKING HATE FOLLOWING QUEER TAGS

#GAY AND #TRANS AND #NONBINARY ARE ALL FULL OF FUCKIN

🤢🤮PORN🤮🤢

WHY ARE THERE NAKED PEOPLE WHERE MY FUNNY GAY MEMES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

EVEN IN #ASEXUAL TOO IM SO UPSET

I DONT WANNA SEE UR TITS

I WANNA SEE BLAJHA FANART YOU FUCKS

GET IT RIGHT

no hate to ppl who like their bodies now and shit BUT ITS DIFFERENT idc if its what YOU wanna see I have no part in this consent

Happy pride btw!!! Dyvim Whitehart is NOT straight.

listen. as much as I know (and love) that this doctor who special was v much trans rights save lives in the very blatant way that leaves no room for doubt for any wilful misinterpretation with the erasure of transness from the narrative esp in the terf supreme climate which was very necessary and important, and as much as I understand that dw is abt logical reasoning things making sense in a very (emphasis on very) abstracty hand-wavey way and you'd come up blank if you try to get into specifics ... i have just one question.

why did Donna and Rose Noble tell the doctor "we just let it go. you wouldn't understand as a male-presenting doctor." like.. that bit truly ???? me and I just didn't understand like... what does. male-presenting have to do w anything.. I am genuinely asking. i get the logic of the rest of the things: Donna passed down the metacrisis (sp? it's been years since doctordonna ep so I'm rusty) thingy to rose so they're both able to be share the weight of it without dying.. is it the extra regeneration energy theyre able to let go without any hassle? that's such a skill issue for a male-presenting doctor? ... if that then,, why so? what does being male-presenting have to do w anything is. my question. bc the logic is supposed to be handwavey I know.. but that part just puzzled me like is there some secret caveat I'm not getting?

SB1030: azleg.gov/legtext/56leg/…

SB1028: azleg.gov/legtext/56leg/…

SB1026: azleg.gov/legtext/56leg/…

via ErinInTheMorning

gooooood morninnggg 3bug nation

hi what do you think abt t4t kakayama (it's canon to me tbh)

:) hi ty for the question. i will do two sweet pictures of them being intimate and then under the cut there's going to be a longer very unsweet and more technical response

so i'm usually not a very shippy person! but that said i am also on the record as an occasional kakayama + kakayamagai enjoyer

i do hc them both as trans and in different ways w/ different experiences of transition and identity! i have no interest in proving my view as canon, but i do regard my reading of the text (text here including the anime) as a valid interpretation of yamato's experience of identity

yamato, for example, imo, doesnt have any real lived experience of being raised as a child of any gender. he was an experimental subject, and then he was Danzō's weapon/vessel for the mokuton, and then he was in anbu.

in a fun little word game which should not be taken seriously: it'd almost be more fitting to describe him as "adgender" rather than "transgender" since the prefix "trans" implies moving across where the prefix "cis" means to stand still, but the prefix "ad" means "to move towards" and i headcanon him as somebody who was degendered as a child, not in a cool nonbinary way, but instead in a dehumanizing, objectifying way, so his experience of creating his identity and his gender along with it is one of moving toward the concept of gender this word doesn't and wont exist, but bc of the way english works it would probably be simplified to be spelled precisely the same as "agender" in the same way that "aggression" came from latin "aggredi" which came from "ad" (meaning to/toward) and and latin "gradus" (meaning step) (essentially the combination means "to step to" [in a threatening manner]) the only diferences is where agender (meaning no gender) is pronounced ay-gender, the agender that comes from adgender would be prounounced more like "uhgender" in the same way that agressive isnt pronounced like "ay-gressive" but instead like "uhgressive"

and then...as for kakashi? i just decided on vibes. i didn't think hard about it.

i guess i should also say that, while i draw kakayama very infrequently, when i do draw it i usually try to be very apparent about the transness in the artwork if i can? especially if i'm drawing anything more intimate than a peck on the cheek. it's no secret that shipping is often times the most energized part of fandom, and i kind of don't want to produce romantic or sexual artwork which will be enjoyed by people who don't think trans people can be attractive? or who find that trans headcanons make a character uninteresting to them? or worse, "ruin" a depiction of a character to them?

often i think about in terms of. IF there are people that follow me that love my work (usually) and think that kakashi or yamato are hot (usually) and love kakayama (usually) but get frustrated or even uncomfortable out when i draw them as explicitly trans? then i'm drawing all intimate artwork of them as explicitly trans.

it's a little like...nobody gets to love my work if transgender characters are a turnoff for them. that's the bar for entry, is the way i think of it, but really its more like putting onions in a dish. if you want to eat the dish you have to eat the onions. if you don't want to eat the onions, don't eat the dish. all the meals i make contain onions. i'll never compromise on my intention to put onions in every dish i make. that's my ninja way, as the kids say.

especially in the climate we're in right now.

i don't know. i have a lot of feelings about how most fandoms tend to view trans men, especially in terms of romantic and sexual relationships. I'm doing a bad job of expressing the depth of how much seeing how fandom treats trans male identity and transmasculine bodies impacts the way that i draw + write kakayama, but genuinely it's something i think about every single time i create content about them.

maybe i’m just a slut for trans guys but… no that’s it

every day I lose sympathy for other trans men. Suffer in silence until you can be normal you stupid bitches

Job hunting is an absolute nightmare because it's like I have a million reasons to need this job and the money from it and it's basically like telling the job that I'm pretty much their bitch because I need the money, and they'll just reject you because you didn't downright worship a company or bc you were honest on the application personality quiz

genuinely so fucking nauseating that tumblr staff feel like they don't even need to provide a real explanation for BLATANTLY and REPEATEDLY targeting transfem users. this has been happening for fucking years and they haven't done a single thing to change it.

I wish more daddy dom shit was obviously catered to mlm or nblm people. Like there’s stuff out there for that but the tone is always different

just occurred to me i haven't hung out with another trans woman in 4 years besides my partners in WA for a week MAYBE once a year (expensive) and a mutual ONCE, no wonder i feel so shitty, ive been so fuckin lonely and craving irl social interaction

today i had this Vivid memory flash through my mind of kissing my ex boyfriend (this was like 2018) and i felt so viscerally fucking revolted and I gotta say. it is truly impressive that I didn’t realise I’m a lesbian sooner than fucking half a year ago