#BUT I FEEL LIKE I DONT BC IM NERVOUS ABOUT MY FUTURE AND DONT FEEL LIKE I HAVE TIME TO BE UNEMPLOYED OR SOMETHING-
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#ever sit like a corpse in your own body?#im doing a job i wasnt designed for. theres this funny thing we do in academia where we beg for money. write in consise phrasing why we#deserve funding. what it is about our project what it is about our personhood that makes us deserving. what we're doing in our present to#give back and ensure a better future. and i can pull together a description of a nervous kid who couldn't read but loved to learn anyway.#who didnt kno how to hold proper a conversation until college and so tried and got better at ppl. who wouldnt let a language problem get in#the way of information gain. who cares about making complicated info visually digestible. and that's a nice story. but it falls apart when#projected into the future. what r u doing for the future? im just trying to continue existing#dont u want to help other ppl like u? sure but i dont have anything nice to say to them. does it ever get easier? no. it probably never will#ur brain was not built for reading. sometimes things r just terrible and u have to accept that. develop a crippling mental disorder or do#something where u dont have to read. see. not helpful. bad attitude. im just too full of blood and broken glass. all my achievements r#stained red and it hurts to look at them. to get myself to function i have to squeeze so tight i can feel the strain in my head. and even#then its not enough. do u kno what its like to spend ur whole life building something only to watch it burn to ashes in front of u? just a#broken machine rotting away underground where no one will see it. but dont let things fester. speak up if somethings wrong. and say what?#lmao i wrote this last night and then today when my advisor was like: hows it going? do u feel like u have enough time to get everything#done? and i had the gall to be like *voice strained high to prevent crying* its alright i think ive got enough time. bc yea technically i#think there r enough hours in yhr day that if i really tried i could get it all done. but that doesn't count the time i spend laying with#thr absolute desolation of my mind. so no. there isnt enough time bc im not doing well. but there's nothing he can do abt it so ya kno#whats the point in talking abt it except to say ya sorry im such a wretched miserable person. i dont kno how to fix it. my enthusiasm is#hidden under layer upon layer of pain. i burnef out before even getting here and im only making it worse#but whatever ill see my therapist Tuesday#unrelated
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Tagged by @kittlyns (back in march lol) to share my lock screen, last song played, and last picture saved
it didnt specify how many people to tag so im going to tag 10 people bc kittlyn tagged me on my blog's 10th anniversary: @girlwwx @rudiecantfail @yokoyas @glitteratti @booksnbarricades @sonyachni @ettelwenailinon @smiliestboye @sisyphuslnabyss and @hopefulqueer
#i found this it in my activity and i knew i would never have a better last photo than i do at this moment in time#(well the actual most recent photo is just a png of the 2 lime green Xs that i separated out to make future versions of this easier)#the context of the meme is talking about songs being stuck in my head‚ not my general feelings toward them#and its about the great comet of 1813.mp3 not the entirety of great comet#also the pallas cat represents me bc my discord profile is that photo#you dont care#tag games#if you saw this on discord… um hello?? im trying to keep these 2 identities /Vaguely/ separate so pls like… dont share this blog over there#but youre welcome to stay and look around at... my 10 years of complaining and oversharing in the notes 😬#for the people i tagged: i chose you bc youre all people that i interact with/have interacted with in the past#thank you for being here. you obviously dont have to do this if you dont want to!#sorry im never on here anymore its bc i access ao3 through the tumblr app rather than a regular mobile browser so i cant really use mobile#and my internet makes it difficult to use tumblr on desktop#not me being like 'damn i cant believe NONE of them saw this yet' only to realize its been in my drafts for 3hrs#since i wrote this up i listened to zayn's leaked demo 'hurt' but im not updating this now#partially bc the idea of writing the alt text for the album cover i made makes me irrationally nervous
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Testosterone
I feel like years and years of turmoil have stalled. I've hit a weird, purgatory-esque plateau in my development. I'm really happy with my transition. I like how I look. But I don't LOVE it. I don't take lots of selfies and get really excited to put on cool outfits or feel invigorated by shit anymore. Now I just wake up and do what I have to do. And I actually regard shaving as a hassle.
That's very new. Like it used to be this excitement about how much more my hair had grown every time I shaved- anxiously hoping each time that I'd get closer to a full beard- growing it out for as long as I could tolerate- then getting rid of it. Now, I know what's gonna happen. It'll grow out real fast. But not enough to reallyyyy be a full beard. There's no mystery anymore because I know it's gonna be a long time before it's actually a thick beard. So now, I don't shave it because I don't want to irritate my skin or get ingrown hairs or whatever, which is just dull- not so exciting. But also? Not bad!!!
I'm still super happy to even be having that experience. Just not in this insane euphoric way like when everything was completely new.
I'm experiencing this funny thing where like- I wake up and look in the mirror and I regard myself with this vague boredom. Like wow- I'm just some fucking dude. And I haven't been on a date in like 3 years. But now I live with my parents and I don't have a car, so like, when is that gonna change? Probably not soon. Does it have to change? Am I dying inside? No. Would it be nice to "get back out there" so to speak? Yes.
The fact that I talk about myself like a fucking middle-aged divorcee is part of the weird boredom thing. I think I'm starting to understand why a friend of mine told me I have "divorced man" energy.
I have gray hairs dude! I know I talk about that to an obnoxious degree and almost wear it as a badge of honor. But like wow. It's actually noticeable now. Like- it wasn't before, but now it is.
And I just look in the mirror and see this guy. With a little baby beard. And gray hairs. And like- who is that? Who is that guy?
I think part of the problem is transitioning actually made me overwhelmingly socially anxious. Like in my life I was always kind of like that, but it got so much worse. Not in a debilitating way where I can't go outside. Just in a lukewarm kind of overarching sense that I could definitely smile more, engage in more conversation etc. with people. The problem is just that I'm self-conscious and afraid to open my mouth in front of people that aren't also transmasc. Which is most people. So I just kinda go quiet.
Cause I'm afraid they're gonna like- think I'm gay or something? Which is hilarious, because I am. And I think about fucking men constantly.
But actually now that I think about it it's not just "not-transmasc" people, because now I'm in Florida and I have plenty of people who would like to hang out, but I am scared to initiate it!!!
I'm just so afraid that I'll ask someone to hang out and we'll have nothing to talk about! And if I'M the one to plan it, what do I even ask them to do? What if I pick the wrong activity and it's awkward or weird and they hate it? Or what if it's just a weird thing to ask someone to do to begin with??? What do we even do here? Go to the mall? Go see a movie? Take a walk? I wanna go to the beach, but a lot of the gay ppl I know here don't like the beach. But it's also stupid to assume that, because I haven't even asked!
A lot of these people knew me in high school. What if the person I am now is like- a weird dissapointment somehow. Or maybe in high school I was like- demure and quiet, and now I've changed, and they realize they actually don't like me.
Now that I'm typing this I hear how stupid it sounds.
Anyways, I also have to schedule around when I can borrow my mom's car here! It's demoralizing! But I'm not ashamed of my choices or anything I'm just kinda. In purgatory. But I'm really happy to be home for a lot of reasons. Like all the reasons I decided to come here still stand.
I'm just lonely.
And also living in a state of permanent repression of my desires. Despite the fact that I desire deeply.
This started out like I was gonna try and write something nice and poetic but I guess I'm not. Maybe I'll try another where I get explicit and then I can explore that part, bc I think this became something else.
#IM TRANS AND I WANNA FUCK#AND ALSO HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE#BUT I AM BUSY#AND SCARED#AND ALSO DONT HAVE A TON OF PERSONAL FREEDOM#OR LIKE- I DO#BUT I FEEL LIKE I DONT BC IM NERVOUS ABOUT MY FUTURE AND DONT FEEL LIKE I HAVE TIME TO BE UNEMPLOYED OR SOMETHING-#BC HOW IS THIS YEAR GONNA LOOK ON A RESUME... WENT HOME TO WRITE NOVEL...#HM AH...
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hi :) so i’m a 25yo femme lesbian and i’ve never had sex (has to do with growing up closeted in a strict over controlling environment) im only just now starting to have more independence and control over my life and i want to have sex. and i dont want to wait until i find something serious with someone cuz that could take a while and also i want to have experience for when i actually have a serious relationship with someone so i can be a good lover for them. tho i admit i do find it a bit scary i’m considering downloading dating apps to find people to have casual sex with next time i’m out of town. but i don’t really know how to go about it… i feel like no one is gonna want to fuck me because i don’t have any experience like how weird would it be if i’m in someone’s dms like hey i’m a 25yo virgin are u still dtf? lol .. so yeah if u have any thoughts or advice or if people reading this have advice please let me know cuz i’m a little nervous but i really want to do this..
hi lovely 💕 it sounds like you’ve had a very tough go of it and i’m so glad to hear you’re now able to have independence and control over your own life, that’s incredible ☺️
first, there is nothing weird about being a virgin at any age and no one who’s worth your time will fault you for it. i would happily have sex with someone who has no experience and there are a lot of people out there who feel the same!
i gently urge you to let go of the idea that you need to have a certain amount of real-life sexual experience before you start dating for a relationship. being a good lover is simply about communication, trust and curiosity about the other person. i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again: anytime someone is with a new partner, no matter how much sex they’ve had, they’re inexperienced because that particular person’s body and pleasure is brand-new to them. we are all “virgins” the first time we have sex with someone new. your future partners will be learning you at the same time that you’re learning them, and it’s beautiful and messy and real and very sexy, trust me.
in my opinion, all the experience you really need can be acquired on your own, by reading about sex (erotica, sex education, sexual health sources, etc.), watching porn that you enjoy, and by fantasizing and exploring your body by yourself. masturbation absolutely teaches you so much and is a valid form of experience. especially if you’re coming from a background of sexual repression and being closeted (i can super relate) just getting yourself comfortable with your sexuality and being horny is a whole process. but doing that will help you have better, safer and more grounded sex.
all that being said, casual sex can be great and fun and there’s nothing wrong with pursuing that, too!! a few thoughts under the readmore bc this is getting long:
always have an open convo about STIs and any other health considerations beforehand. if it feels like you can’t have that convo for whatever reason then you probably shouldn’t have sex with that person. i am guilty of being reckless with this and although i’ve been lucky so far it’s not worth the anxiety lol
be prepared to speak up!! you have to be honest about what feels good and what doesn’t, or you’re probably not going to enjoy it. people can’t read minds. it’s hard to speak up with someone you don’t know very well. our ‘niceness’ programming kicks in. you have to override it.
be very clear-eyed about expectations going in. if you’re just looking for fun, and the other person is trying to date you, that can lead to messiness and hurt. it needs to be casual for both parties.
standard safety practices apply: tell a friend where you’re going, agree on a time to check in and a protocol for if shit goes awry. trust your gut. if something doesn’t feel right, leave.
sex is a huge endorphin high, and that usually means there’ll be a crash afterward. the next day you might feel like shit and regret everything, even if in the moment you were super into it and having fun. this is normal, it’s chemicals in your brain and not a reflection on what actually happened. (unless this feeling persists or you feel icky abt something specific that went down, then talk to a trusted friend or a mental health professional if you can.) if you have a good line of communication with the person you hooked up with, just reaching out and saying “hey, i had fun the other night, i really liked it when you did _____” and letting them give you some reassurance in return can go a long way to soothe the hook-up hangover
i hope some of this helps 💗 and no matter what, going at your own pace and taking your sweet time will always feel better in the end, even though it can be tempting to rush and “make up for lost time” (speaking from experience as a late bloomer myself.) wishing you luck + lots of safe and amazing sex!! 😉
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I think I might have endometriosis and I dont know what to do. Is it worth trying to get a diagnosis? Because I feel like they cant do anything about it either way. On one hand i feel like it would be a relief to hear that it isn't normal and that i am not weak just because I cant deal with some regular period cramps. I dont think its normal to throw up because of the pain and lay on the bathroom floor half passed out because of nausea and pain for hours in the middle of the night, but at the same time muy cramps only lasts for like a day or two so I feel like im just exaggerating. I want to be validated in a way but im nervous about it not actually being anything wrong if that makes sense.
Also i feel like the only thing doctors can do is prescribe birth control and I have been on one kind (one with only one of the ususal substances) and while it have lowered the pain to only very occasional tame cramps I dont really like it because of the spotting because it is so irregular that I have had to wear pads for like a year and i dont really trust that it works, i would like it to get rid of the whole problem and stop all pain. And the doctors wont put me on regular birth control because im fat so my bmi is too high which means a higher risk for blood clots. Is there anything else they can do? I know some people get hysterectomies but I dont want that now at least cause i think I might want to have kids in the future. Is there anything else they can do that makes it worth it to fight for a possible diagnosis since that may take years and be difficult or should i just cope with it since my symptoms isn't really that bad?
(Also i just ran out of birth control and haven't decided what to do so im really scared that my period will come back now and it will hurt)
First of all, I think you should find a new doctor. I am also “fat” and I NEVER had any doctor refuse to put me on regular birth control. BC has risks and it has pros and cons, as long as your doc is explaining all of that to you they should let YOU make that decision about your own body.
If you are in horrific pain it is not normal. If you are puking and passing out because of cramps that isn’t normal. You are not exaggerating or overreacting. You deserve to get treatment. You deserve to be in less pain. You deserve to have more convenience.
I urge you to try to get a new birth control (for example I’m on the depo shot, least amount of pain I have been in for years on this BC) and if your doc won’t do it find a different one who will. Remember doctors are there to listen to you and help you.
There are various home remedies to try for endo but there is no cure. Birth control will help. The only sure fire way to get rid of it is laparoscopic surgery, and this will only help for some time because the endometriosis will just grow back. (And how much it will help depends on the competence/experience of the surgeon doing it.) I believe I’ve read that even a full hysterectomy doesn’t cure endo.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope you can get the care and treatment you need.
#endometriosis#chronic illness#chronic pain#invisible illness#endo awareness#endo symptoms#endo help
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long ass post major spoilers tldr i beat it
ok, i've got an hour, time to get started on the end of this game 😤
first straight to lookout landing to introduce purah and mineru.......
or no wait since im here and havent done it in awhile ill swing by the great fairy. if theres any armor i can possibly upgrade i really need to do that lol
okay there isn't really. lol. after pikmin 4 i am gonna need to farm so many materials......
okay, i cooked some food but i dont actually have anything useful so most of it is just atk up/def up/health refills. only a few anti-gloom foods, which is sure to get my ass kicked...
now i guess i just........dive in...................................
im nervous.
i dont have a lot of weapons and bows rn either but whatever ig!!! surely nintendo will provide. i have the master sword fused with one of the light dragon parts so she can fight with me in every possible way!!! also i think the durability wont be affected when it's in its glow mode which it will be down there
thunderstorm as i walk up to the castle lol. classic
alright. WELL. geronimo.
wow that really is. a long way down. okay.
okay hold on wait there's a spot missing on my map. do i get a fucking lightroot down here? i just check. it is so high up. probably unclimbable. do i need to dive again? i'm diving again. fast traveling to the shrine above this time
the bg ambience down here is fucking freaky btw
ok, i got it this time. whew.
back down i go. yeesh.
my neighbors pick NOW to mow their lawn. fuck me sideways
oh im already one heart lost. this floor is COVERED in gloom...
THE FIGHT MUSIC THO...damn
ugh, four hearts down and only two recovery items...yikes. i'm gonna get my ass beat fr but i don't have time to go farm sundelions nor do i want to rn
i can't figure out where to go. i went down a hole with monsters bc that seemed like the only route but now i can't find a way to proceed
did my sword just RING at me??????
fi girl what is going on
oh fuck me there's a gloom lynel
okay yeah no. this isn't gonna work. i need to fucking go farm fucking sundelions. UGH im so mad about it
okay. farmed. going to cook. jesus fuck
COOKED. warping back to the lightroot. bet that mf lynel refilled its stupid health
it did.
I GOT HIM.......ohhh it broke my sword to do it :( i didnt know it could break when it was powered up like that. but i got him...
but now where do i...?
this doesn't feel right. i feel like i'm just heading back into the depths. probably fought that lynel for no reason at all. but i'm scared to look up a walkthru bc of spoilers :(
ok, i did find a guide and i think this is the right way? im scrolling down like one line at a time lol
THE POWER OF A SAGE CANNOT REACH YOU??? OH THIS IS DEFINITELY THE RIGHT WAY
it was way too crowded with all of them but now i feel verrry alone
I FOUND HANDS................
ohhhh i do not want to fight phantom ganon in this gloom covered arena. i do not want to
but with no sages...i can't get across without engaging...
OKAY. THE GOOD NEWS. KILLED THE HANDS. THE BAD NEWS. PHANTOM GANON CHASED ME UP TO THIS HIGH SPOT
GOT HIS ASS!!!! gibdo bone arrows you motherFUCKER
ok, i got across the room...
wait. this looks familiar
THE MUSIC!!!! THIS IS IT THIS IS WHERE I STARTED..................
GLOOM REDEADS!!!!! not today motherfuckers. im not getting jumped im NOT getting jumped
the murals...i can blow up the rocks now
OH MY GODDD.....
the imprisoning war, zelda healing the sword, and becoming a dragon...she WALKED RIGHT PAST THESE with her ALREADY HAVING DONE IT in the past, not knowing she was about to do it again in her own future...oh my god im gonna be SICK
oh that is a big hole.
WAIT...THIS IS THE HOLE SHE FELL DOWN........
WHY IS THE MUSIC DOING THIS...im scared someone come hold my hand
oh my god. the torch zelda dropped is at the bottom of this hole.
im picking it up and im fucking giving it back to her
it JUST keeps going down....
oh god another big jump. OKAAAYYYYY
what IS that..............
DEMON ARMY??? BY MYSELF?????
OH MY GODDDDDDD MY BESTIES!!!! THE GANG IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuck me im welling up. ive never been more glad for a crowded screen
got my master sword back. fused with zelda's horn. refilled my health. THIS IS ITTTTTT
ROUND TWO!!!!!! IM NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHINGGGG
round three is redeads. i am afraid of some things actually
im not getting jumped. i am NOT getting jumped. ive been playing this game for 200 hours and they havent got close enough to jump me yet i AM NOT GETTING JUMPED.
oh my god this music is AMAZINGGGG
AND I DIDN'T GET JUMPED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ROUND FOUR!!!!! bring it bring it bring it
BOSS RUSH?
oh my god no...NOOOO my besties.........
i'm alone again :( and with seven minutes until my sword recharges...
ah. i can't save here
oh my god THERE HE IS!!!!!!
the music...
dehydrated voice is so much better
OHHHH MY GOD HE DRANK SOME WATER.....THIS IS FROM THE TRAILERS........
does he have black nail polish on his fingers AND TOES? get it girl
THEY REVIVIED MY MASTER SWORD.......
zelda's with me 😭😭😭 this one's for you babygirl
this music is so quiet and sinister wtf...........
is he. IS HE FLURRY RUSHING ME??
THAT'S MY TRICK, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.........
phase one DOWN. eat gibdo bone my guy
DEMISE FORM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IM ABSOLUTELY WAILING THEYRE PLAYING THE OOT GANONDORF MUSIC LIKE IM GENUINELY WELLING UP
HIS HEALTH BAR?????????????????????????????????????????
TULIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! right as the botw theme plays omg
YUNOBOOOOOO
SIDON AND RIJU.........ONE MORE
AND MINERU!!!! there she IS!!!!! six on one babey
HALFWAY THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cutscene reward
no no no not my besties again
DID HE JUST BREAK MY HEARTS FR???
ohhh the calamity ganon theme!!!
hylian shield badly damaged. GREAT.
i can't get him with my sword. he always does that slowmo thing backwards. but i CAN get him with my lynel bow and gibdo arrows >:)
she died as she lived: running away from the bad guy and shooting at him over her shoulder
GOT HIS ASS!!!!!
OHHHH HE'S GONNA SWALLOW IT...........
i knew this was coming bc of spoilers but it's still incredible. that man just put his whole fist down his throat 😳
compare that to the dainty way zelda swallowed hers lol...
DID THIS MF JUST EAT ME???
wait...his dragon form...is just the calamity???
TIME?? LOOP??????????????
the tune from the trailers........
oh my god okay he's a normal dragon. i was about to start having heart palpitations
i just STRAIGHT UP. for real burst into tears. i have to pause
zelda came to help me................................you go 200 hours thinking she doesn't know or remember you but she RESCUED me she CAUGHT ME.........she's so little compared to him oh god.......
AM I CONTROLLING HER?? WE'RE FLYING TOGETHER...........
accidentally jumped off.
THE MUSIC. THE SAXOPHONE. I'D GIVEN UP ON EVER SEEING IT AGAIN THAT'S GOTTA BE MY MF BINGO
i'm literally crying too much to fight him rn
oh man landing on his back hurts me...how tf am i supposed to get him
one weak spot down. three to go. she literally catches me...literally there's saxophone...
two more! every time she catches me i start bawling again. this is so embarrassing like there are literally tears on my face as i play this. i didn't know she was gonna do that. i knew he turned into a dragon but i didn't know she was gonna help me
she is literally still in there after 10,000 years. her 100 in hyrule castle must feel like nothing in comparison
man and him in the ouroboros position every time...
BLOOD MOON????
RIGHT INTO HIS FOREHEAD JUST LIKE WIND WAKER
bro i am FUCKING sobbing
dark beast ganon theme.
HOLY SHIT...THE EXPLOSION....IS EVERYBODY OKAY??????
oh my god oh my GOD...THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE HER
ARE GONNA CHANGE HER BACK
his arm..............
I CAUGHT HER.......FINALLY.......CATHARSIS...................
IN HIS AAAAAARMS
OH GOD FI......
quest status find princess zelda: complete. i'm losing it. i found her. fucking found her.
she's HOME.
CREDITS ROLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im trying to collect myself during this time. when i say i am fucking sobbing i am not exaggerating. i am boohoo wailing with tears rolling down my fucking face. legend of zelda tears of ME because of this GAME!!!!!!!
i dont even care that they broke the lore. ok i do care a lot actually but whatever. whatever.
THE CREDITS ARE SO GOOD..........all the shots of link touching people's hands!!!!!!!!!!
AND THEIR HANDS FIXING ZELDA.....
AND CATCHING HERRRRRRRRR
the end...........
OH POST CREDITS CUTSCENE.......
mineru....there goes mom #4, twice
NOOOO IF SHE CRIES IM GONNA GET STARTED AGAIN
oh my god. that was amazing
this is my first time seeing the title screen. i haven't closed the game once since may 12
oh my god that was AMAZING. i am sitting here in total awe!!!!!!!
NOW i can finally enjoy zeldatube again.....i can hear all the theories........i can pirate this mf SOUNDTRACK HOLY SHIT. but first i gotta update my bingo board
wow. what a game
#personal#loz blogging#totk lb#totk spoilers#i can't remember the last time i cried that hard over a video game. i'm exhausted
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The idea of Poppy being scared of Larrybot made me sad so I propose an idea:
Poppy doesn’t know how to feel about the new Mr Larry. He looks like the old Mr Larry. Sounds like it too. Talks, walks, acts like the old Mr Larry… but he’s not. He has the electronic facial half to prove it. She can tell the other elite trainers and Geeta feel the same way about him, even if they try their hardest not to show it, but even a child like her can tell that he’s being subtly excluded at times. That there is an air of stiffness hanging over them all when they talk. And she thinks about it. And she thinks about how sad the new Mr Larry must be. It must be lonely. So Poppy makes a decision.
“…. What do you have there?” The not man gazed at her and Poppy has to gather all her courage to not turn around and run to Hassel immediately. Instead she holds out her favorite book “the junior encyclopedia of Pokemon” to show him. “I am going to teach you.” She announces, just a hint of pride in her voice. “You are the new Mr Larry and Rika has told me you don’t know everything the old Mr Larry knows. So I am going to show you.” She sits down next to him. “It’s my favorite!” She announces again, forgetting her fear of the android for a second. “Let’s start! That is a bidoof Mr. Larry!”
And so an hour or so passes. Poppy is nervous at first, but becomes more and more confident the more time passes and the more sure she gets that the new Mr. Larry is not going to eat her as soon as Mr Hassel leaves the room. She tells him as much as she knows and he listens. Really listens. She can tell, she’s a smart girl! When she stops she is sure the new Larry has learned a lot. He even thanked her for teaching him so much! And by the time she gets home all she can think of is how happy she is that she got to teach him so much and it’s aaaaall she can talk about till it’s bedtime.
Back at the league, Larry flips trough the pages of a children’s book and feels content for the first time in a long while.
(I apologize if I misread your au in any way or if this doesn’t fit into it at all but I am an adult raised on children befriending the horrifying creature films from the way back years and I say 👏 let Poppy make friends with a creepy monotone robot!)
DONT APOLOGISE I LOVE THIS SO MUCH And it really does fit so well gosh and it's so nice? Like she's scared of him at first but she can tell things are tense with him around so she chooses to be the one to change this, and Larry appreciates it so much
I love how proud she is it's so cute
and honestly this really works too bc Larrybot, being from the future, is unfamiliar with present day pokemon!!! He's familiar with the future pokemon so having this small child push past her fears and help him makes him happy
I drew a thing for this, thank you so much for the ask I smiled a lot and shared it with the server im in and they loved it too!!
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hello !! yet another different anon, but just wanted to share this while we’re on the topic of self-criticism - hopefully this doesn’t come off as patronizing, it’s just smth i’ve found helps me as an artist and hopefully it’ll help u :D
i think it’s rlly important to view old art more from the perspective of the feelings u had making it rather than the actual content of the art itself. sure, ur artistic skills have improved a lot over the years, and maybe when ur looking back at ur older work u see a lot of flaws in it - weird anatomy, bad lighting, articles of clothing that don’t make sense, etc (not saying ur old art has any of these i’m just listing examples i’ve had in my own lol) - but u had fun making it !! it’s a drawing of something u loved and still love, and it served its purpose as an outlet to express that love. when people go back and like those old drawings, they’re not seeing it for its flaws - they’re seeing it for the love it represents, a love they probably feel themselves. while it’s good to critique ur own work to some extent for the sake of improvement, people liking ur old stuff is far from cringe-worthy! it’s just someone enjoying something u once enjoyed too, like an internet happiness hand-me-down :)
again, this sort of mindset has rlly helped me personally - i don’t feel as nervous about drawing or posting, bc im just having fun !! it’s ok if it’s kind of janky or has weird details, it was made with love and people can see and appreciate that. nobody ever stops improving or seeing flaws in their work, so its best to focus more on the joy it gave u and push urself towards improvement with the promise of even more joy rather than forcing urself to improve under the threat of feeling ashamed of ur creations
hopefully all of this makes sense i kind of have the shakes rn lol. sorry for the super long ask, i just dont rlly know how to explain all of this in a short way-
hope u are having a fantastic day full of pretty girls !!!!
omg no worries at all!! your message read as very sweet so please dont stress urself out over how u came across!!
AND I DEFINITELY AGREE!! tbh its a mindset i tend to have, but i think where ive lacked is definitely in applying the "im just doing it for fun" logic to past me. i tend to be someone who very much lives in the present and have a bit of a disconnect both from the past and the future, and this can cause me to totally disregard everything about my past self and past work LOL. so honestly having all this put into words has kinda been an "OHH RIGHT" moment for me KASJHFJAHSDKJ
theres also the factor of my audience being bigger now........ im not really someone who likes having alot of eyes on me for various reasons, which sometimes causes me to waver a bit AKJSHFKJH THOUGH ITS NOT THAT BAD. i think most of my shyness comes from having artists i really admire now see my art and im like "FUCK IC ANT HAVE IT LOOK BAD WHAT IF THEY SEE" which can cause me to overthink things But also i tend to forget that those people even follow me 80% of the time. tbh all of my "insecurities" in regards to my art are purely circumstantial and only really present themselves if im in a flustered state, but a large portion of the time im just chilling KJAHSFJKHK
i do also wanna say tho that i think the viewing all art as coming from a place of love sentiment is very sweet........ esp bc in the beginning one of the compliments i got the most was along the lines of "your love for the characters really shines through!!" so to think that, in spite of potential quality, that love is still visibly present makes me very happy.......... Perhaps if u have genuine love for what u do itll shine through no matter what
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I just finished reading
ↀOUBLE IIROUBLE - CHAPTER ONE
AND OMG???? stop rae you didn't have to make such a bop 🤭🤭
Yeon-jin and sa-ra🤨🤨 I see what you're doing rae I see
And I love that fact that both of them do different sports it shows how different they are from each other like rugby and basketball? Two whole different things
"Were all that we have...just eachother....right after our mom had...." had what?🤨🤨
"Aren't you ganna introduce me?" NOOOO WE DONT LIKE YOU‼️‼️‼️ bet she will become one of our issues in the future, I can sense it
Heejeong's silver ash hair color and heeseung's jet black strands was enough to set the boys apart" pls heeseung's jet black hair looked so good on him omg 😫😫😫 like I died and was brought back to live bc of that hair 😔 and heejeong in silver???? Stop i cant😣
THE PICTURES YOU INSERTED???? you want me dead.
"Dont be nervous...shhh" SIR NOW IM EVEN MORE NERVOUS ???? WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO HELP OUR Y/N???????
"Good girl...." goodbye, This person is official dead. How are you feeling after killing me rae?
"You thought it kind of him to treat to just as any brother would have towards their sister"
"If only you looked up fora moment and caught the boy's eye ravishing your face and body as he raised a brow in peaked interest" yes sister and brother 🤓
"Directly towards......you....." dead again.
THE VID???? pls rae stop i cant anymore😔😔
Also you were supposed to get this yesterday but I fell asleep halfway through so... here it is😔😔
okay, the way i laughed in reading this lol. Silky, my dear silky, you're killing me. I posted chapter 2 and 3 too, they're on the masterlist that's pinned on my home page ;)
so yes....i used the names of the buillies from The Glory, and these bitches are inspired by those girls. ;)
The boys with their own set of gifts for each sport...yoo...be prepared for some juicy content relating to their talents.
You'll see what that comment was about their mother in a much later chapter. But for now....i cannot spoil. shhhhh ;)
I love the black and silver hair, so that's why i made twin versions lol.
with the pictures, hehehehehe i'm soooo glad you liked them. but i dont want you dead! :( come back to meeeeee silky!
Okay, now heeseung with the whole hand under the table and his comments....like that already eluded alot of tension. but also (when you get to chapters 2 and 3) those smaus are giving off lots of tension too.
and the way they interact with you is just...*muah!* i love it. its kind of dangerous, forbidden, secretive, but ooooh so sexy.
I LOVE THAT VIDEO!
and no worries my fine Silky, enjoy yourself and catch up. I finsihed part 1 of Aftermath yesterday as well, alot of my content got erased so i have to retype the final chapter of SE7EN so while i'm working on that, i'm pushing out the new series chapters since i have the base line for each one. ;)
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I wholeheartedly agree with you and other anon, I love Shayne and he’s been my top 3 for as long as I can remember but he hosts too many freaking shows. Anon only mentioned Reddit and the guessing but we also have who meme’d it, beopardy, and challenge pit technically bc he was in most of them. I know he’s pretty much the money maker of Smosh and everyone enjoys him but I miss back in the day where almost everyone had a show on pit they can enjoy. But honestly I think the reason he’s pretty much the only host is because it seems he’s one of the only people full time. So I feel like thats the smartest decision money and views wise. Idk I just miss when they actively tried out new shows, I know that those don’t really pay their bills but it would be nice bc it’s something new and refreshing. I think I’m just ranting at this point, I just NEED my babies to come back 😕
I totally didn't count those! I was mainly talking about "one person" videos where it's only Shayne + 1 or 2 other people, but yeah, no you're right he does HOST a LOT of shows.
I miss back when everyone had a 'show' too. "Seriously Super Stupid Sleepover" was my FAVORITE thing they did back in that time! (it might have been the only thing I watched at some points)
"I just miss when they actively tried out new shows"
Me too! They've been trying that out recently (kind of) and it's been some fun? It kind of seems like they don't want to spend too much money on newer content. Which I understand, but some of my FAVORITE videos are the low budget ones! like the squad vlogs!!! I LOVE THOSE. We don't want big impressive sets, we want the cast having a good time with a good premise!!! (I genuinely have no clue why they haven't tried more different stuff out. The only thing I can think of is they don't want a video to bomb and lose out on guaranteed money, but they aren't getting anywhere as they are rn. Risk = Reward gamble)
I am really starting to think they don't really know what they want to do on the channels because of how they are acting as of recent. They keep trying out stuff between things they know get views, (Sniper Chess - Reddit Stories) and I'm not saying I think they're shitting the bed or going bankrupt rn, just that they seem nervous?
OR y'know, they could just be planning big things for the future so that's why we've been getting these "low effort" videos.
Some of the best times I had watching Smosh was when they were doing different stuff on most uploads. They can keep the Reddit Stories and all their staple shows, but give me VARIETY. Like REAL variety. Don't force feed me content that doesn't even get you views, focus on building your fanbase! LOOK AT HOW MUCH MONEY THEY RAISED JUST DOING NOT EVEN AN HOUR AND A HALF LIVESTREAM???
21k IN 1hr 20mins ???? that's $262.5 dollars A MINUTE .....
THEY DONT REALISE HOW MUCH THEY SQUANDER THE FANS THEY DO HAVE.
do. better.
So sorry this ended in a rant, I just am very passionate about this subject! I WANT them to do well! I see all the ways they could have more and they just shit themselves and flounder, then act like they couldn't do anything, it's INFURIATING! They have a large fan base that loves them, that would be willing to help crowd fund most anything cool (summer games anyone?? I'm 100% certain that if they did a fundraiser for that we could get them AT LEAST 50k to spend on it) and they don't. do. anything.
Maybe I am just fully unaware about what goes on, and if I am lmk, but it really just feels like incompetence from the 'suits' at Smosh
Sorry this turned into a rant Anon :D I also have been in need of my cuties (IM GOING CRAZYYYY as you probably can tell from this post lmao)
#smoshblr#please! if you have any input about this post LMK#I want to talk personally with ian and anthony to tell them the stuff they COULD be doing with their brand#smosh#smosh pit#smosh games#smosh summer games#ssg#swg#be better to your fans @smosh#you wont have anything if you dont respect the fans#the Drought™ is REALLY starting to get to me...#I need some damangela to get me to calm down ....
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wednesday snippet except its late thursday where i am oops...
tysm @malchai for the tag!! i dont have much to share at the moment, but just yesterday i got hit with the idea for a fic thats overtaken my mind. i wont share anything else about it yet, but you can take this unedited passage of a random scene im writing to get a feel for the characters <3
Sirius couldn’t remember how it all happened.
It was a blur, in his mind. His memory flashed between moments, all jumbled, and he was only able to recall the crucial parts. Whatever happened in between was lost to him.
There was a party. His family’s kind of party, not really a party at all. A chance to talk to other high class supervillain-types and feel better than everyone else.
He was looking for Regulus, he thought. He couldn’t remember why, if he had lost him, wanted to tell him something, had been sent to fetch him… He hoped it wasn’t the latter, but if it was, he was at least glad he was the one who found him.
He remembered opening the door in crystal clear detail. It was strange for Regulus to be in his room, he usually tried to play nice at these sorts of nights for their parents’ sake. Sirius never bothered to try. It felt weird to be the one looking for him, when usually it was Regulus finding Sirius in various hiding spots, either pleading with him to so much as make an appearance or snapping at him to stop being ridiculous, it wasn’t that hard to just pretend. The moment Crouch Jr. and his father had arrived at this particular party, though, Sirius knew that Regulus’ focus would shift. He had had to try not to grimace, worry needling through him. That was probably why he’d been looking for him, honestly. He always got nervous when his brother was alone with the boy for too long.
The worry had been justified. No- Worry wasn’t enough, not over this, and was incomparable to the emotions he felt when he opened the door.
i wont tag anyone bc im already so late with this but i encourage anyone with something to share to share it!! and if youd like to be tagged in the future, feel free to comment or dm me and say so bc i never know who to tag anyways lol
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hbo tlou spoilers (and the game too) just rambling to myself bc i gotta get these thoughts out of my head
feeling.. conflicted about that episode still. wasnt gonna say anything but im a little bit nervous about how joel and ellie are being handled at this point just like overall
ellie to a lesser extent i just feel like shes a little.. one note almost (they gave her the joke book and she had some nice moments with sam at least). theyre just playing so hard into the spitfire side of her but game ellie was way sweeter and kinder than i think people remember? when i started my re-playthrough even i forgot how like.. chill she was honestly. a lot of her anger was reactionary/in defense and not always just immediately antagonistic. hbo ellie needs more softness to her its starting to annoy me a bit how just outright hostile she is to literally everyone
but in joels case.. the changes they made this episode honestly i feel were detrimental to his character development. they make it seem like joel asking tommy to take ellie is more about the fact that hes aging and hes afraid hes going to get ellie killed, so he needs tommy to take her because he has a greater chance of making it back. and they side step a bit the selfishness of joels request. when in the game it was SOLEY about joels selfishness and how he could tell he was starting to feel protective of/close to ellie and wanted to stop that shit immediately by passing her off to tommy so he could just wash his hands of the whole thing (which would also put tommy at risk and maria chews him out for it (which i wouldve liked to have seen in the show but alas...)). and the argument he and ellie get into (after she runs away!!) is supposed to be the culmination of those feelings and how hes pushing her away and hes afraid of being a dad again (im NOT your dad. and we are going our separate ways). but ultimately chooses to stay with ellie and that choice is SO IMPORTANT!! and now in the show its like... ok so... now youre Not afraid of.. getting her killed? because you STILL have a bad ear and ptsd? (that he wouldve had for a while anyway so honestly its a little funny theyre playing it up so hard all of a sudden him clutching at his chest all the time is just kinda funny to me again where is the subtlety i dont see it). and like with this change it makes their argument (and their reconciliation) less powerful honestly to me at least. that argument they have is seared into my brain its still one of my favorite scenes but i just wasnt feeling it as much with this different set up of events (and also imo the game still has the better actor performances PLEASE watch those scenes if you havent)
and this side stepping of joels selfishness as a character is honestly a problem for me. and im afraid what it might mean for future episodes. because joels selfishness is very integral to his character. knowing what i do about whats coming down the line, and how theyve been talking about the “cure” so far, im so 😬 just clenching my teeth so hard. because they just... keep saying every once in a while that “there can never be a cure making a cure would be hard how would you even manufacture and distribute it?” (squinting REAL HARD AT THAT LAST ONE!!) and im soooo nervous that they might downplay just how much of a selfish asshole joel is and how they might try to make his future actions less terrible.... or justify them in some way..... or something equivalent to downplaying what happens.....
i mentioned it a while ago but these are arguments the fans have been having since summer 2013 but what annoys me about it is that none of it even matters!!! because the Only thing that matters is joels selfish choice. not whether hes right or wrong. the ambiguity is the whole point!! the selfishness is the whole point!! joel doesnt care and hes gonna do whatever he thinks is necessary regardless of the repercussions. and i am just so afraid theyre gonna undercut that. I HOPE THEY DONT IM CROSSING MY FINGERS SO HARD THAT THEY DONT WE CAN CELEBRATE IF THEY DONT but sometimes people are afraid to let their characters be shitty and have flaws and act selfishly and joel is a bit of a controversial character already. i hope they dont try to make him/his actions more “acceptable” somehow. i LIKE that hes like this it makes him INTERESTING
but yeah the rest of the episode was fine i guess. loved seeing jackson. oh but i will say that the end of the episode felt so uneventful to me which is hilarious based off of what happens, but the way things play out in the game is SO TENSE and drawn out that in comparison was just really weak in the show unfortunately. im sure it was a “for time” reason and like it still gets the idea across but again just more reason for me to stand by the game still being The True Last of Us Experience. looking forward to the left behind episode tho i am so excited to see my girl riley again 💔
#oops wrote a bit of a joel essay#it speaks#hbo tlou#half of this is me expressing my fears about future events#ive been a little nervous about these things since like ep 2 but the fears are only building unfortunately#anyway morally grey characters are the most interesting characters pls im begging them to not downplay that#the softer moments are done well i dont have any problems w his daddy side i think thats where pedro shines#i just love the original last of us so much its such an incredible character piece UGH i need to get back to my playthrough#had an unexpectedly busy week last week but i can get back to it now#ok ramble over thank u for indulging me
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sexuality hcs for the main cast? :D
NO idea what brought this on but yeah sure! unless stated otherwise my work usually writes everyone bi by default, even if they haven’t realized it yet, but it can be really fun to play with different interpretations too. honestly its not something i think about often or keep too rigid, sometimes it depends on what kind of story im writing and what messages i want to convey. but sometimes we stay silly
- isabel max johnny violet are bi
- isaac dimitri stephen are gay
- ollie tends to flip between ‘future bear’ and ‘token straight friend’ it usually depends which is funnier in context
- lisa and suzy being lesbians has always been a constant in my brain
- if im feeling REALLY indulgent ill spice max up with some lesbianism. hit him with the dyke beam
- ed usually isnt cis to me so whatever goes on there tends to switch up a lot. i dont try to name it i just focus on feeling it. when ed IS cis i think him being the token straight friend is pretty funny. like hes the really enthusiastic type but means well.
- RJ is similar to ed. sometimes i like them as a lesbian. sometimes i like them not interested in anyone. sometimes i like shipping them w ed. sometimes other ppl. theyre a really fun character to write actually
- jeff is gay but he doesn’t realize for a long long time. where everyone else is a bit more comfortable with themselves hes still got a lot of low self esteem and internalized stuff going on, not in a constantly sad way but like he’ll be the type to think ‘man i wish *I* could marry my best friend! too bad im straight haha’ or like when theyre teens he kisses cody and has a crisis over liking it before thinking ‘wait! what am i worrying about! codys gay, yeah, so maybe it meant something to him, but im not gay so that means i dont have anything to worry about. i should focus on supporting my good friend. its totally cool if he kisses me because im straight so its like a pass!’ he is wrong and he is gay
- whenever i write izjo its always bi. if anything their bisexuality makes a bigger spectacle out of how they like an opposing gender rather than liking their own which i always get a huge kick out of bc its as if i got so accustomed to being around gay people irl and online that sga became the norm and i had to remind myself that mf couples exist and its an option and its okay. there are a couple works ive never posted where this is actually like THE central theme
- i joke bc i like making fun of izjo but from testimonies/talks/essays ive heard/watched/read this is actually a very common experience among bi ppl
- like when ur young and just learning how to exist and be confident as an lgbt person and taking such wild pride and comfort in your sga that u forget your oga. maybe even feel a little weird about it. confusion and nervousness. dare i say shame.
- im flipping the script…… of COURSE youre gay what are you TALKING about… what youre going to feel confused repressed nervous and weirdly guilty over is liking a BOY. or like yes son we know you like boys we live in mayview. but youve never liked a girl before and you dont know how to and it terrifies you. and then sometimes it has absolutely no significance at all and it’s just normal. again it depends on the themes and what i want to get out of my brain. that post thats like ‘no gay pairing written by a straight person will ever be as unhinged as a straight pairing written by a gay person’ etc. is it bc i want to write a casual+ comfortable gay existence bc ive seen so many bad u happy ones? is it bc i enjoy exploring societal dynamics by reframing them in the perceived norm? is it yuri? is it yuri.
- i just reread the phrase ‘youve never liked a girl before and you dont know how to and it terrifies you’ and im thinking i made it yuri. is johnny my puppet. have i been using johnny as a puppet this whole time to work out my feelings towards liking women. izjo is bi because i write johnny like a gay girl who just happens to just be a boy.
- i got distracted anyway spender is meterosexual
#paranatural#this is probably so not what you wanted im sorry#asks#anon#anyway im going to sleep. night ✌️
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AAAAAAA OMG DO I HAVE A LONG ASS ASK FOR YOU. MY DATE/NOT DATE HAS JUST CONCLUDED....
So a little back story - I worked with this guy this past summer and like the first time we met I alr liked him. Like he was exactly my type. Like 100%. But I'm super shy (never dated anyone, never kissed anyone, never held hands with anyone) so I never really did anything obvious that I liked him bc I was nervous. We kind of flirted (maybe) a lot near the end of the summer. We texted a lot a lot but he ended up moving up to college for his apartment earlier than expected so we never got to see eachother after our last days of work. There was lots of drama on my end surrounding that trust. Like mental anguish bc I fumbled the bag hard.
Anyways. We start school respectively (I go to school in NY and him in TX) and we don't talk that often, just snap like everyday. But as the semester goes on we reply to each other's stories and have short, friendly convos more frequently. Flashforward to like, a week ago or something. I reply to his insta story and we start talking. He finds out that I'm going home for Thanksgiving and he is to so he asks me to hang out. This is odd bc we weren't close enough as friends for me to think that he would ask to see me.
Anyways again, I'm skipping details bc otherwise I'll never finish this lmao - the date/not date was like everything else we do. Vaguely romantic but could also be friendly. He picked me, we ate dinner and then went ice skating together. He walked up to my door to get me, held open doors for me, and opened the car door to walk me back to my house after we got back. But like - no moves were made. No attempts to hold my hand or kiss me. AT ALL. But like he also complimented my butterfly hair lips like sir 😭😭 idk what you want from me.
But now I'm feeling kind of tired of 6-7 months of not knowing where we stand with eachother. So I texted him afterwards saying "Thank you so much for tonight, I loved seeing you again! Although, I did want to know if it was a date or if it really was intended as just a hangout, bc it did seem like it sometimes? Either way, I'd love to meet up with you again if we're both in town!" He then liked bith of the thank you messages and replied, we definitely should. But then he replied to the daye/not date ask with - I don't know. I'll have to think about it. He then said something about it being more than he anticipated but still good, so idk if that means that it wasn't intended as a date but became one and he enjoyed it or if he meant it as a date but I fumbled the bag (I give just as many mixed signals bc I'm an anxious coward lmao) but it still ended up okay.
HOWEVER, I AM A GENIUS, LIKE RIZZ MASTER 1000. I accidentally left something in his car so tmmr morning he's gonna drive back to drop it off (It's like an hour round trip for him). And tomorrow is the day I will stop being a bitch. I'm gonna tell him that I'm interested but that I also do genuinely enjoy him as a person so like, however he intends to meet up with ne in the future I'll be okay with that.
So yeah. Story time over 🫶🫶🫶🫶 Sorry that it's actually so long but I remember how excited you were so I wanted to let you know how it went 💗💗💗💗
IM ON MY KNEES RN STOP u r so cute and agh!!!!!! i will be needing an update with whatever happens pretty please, honey 🤲
im so ☹️☹️☹️ u guys went ice skating ☹️ that’s so so so so fucking cute!!!!!! that actually is so cute my heart cant take it ໒꒰ྀིっ˕ -｡꒱ྀི১ but no moves being mad.. 🤬 yeah i need to have a stern talking to with this man!!! what r ur intentions with my little angel, you HEATHEN!!! hehe no but srsly dont be anxious sweetheart! i know its hard n way easier said than done, but you seem so wonderful and im sure he thinks that as well! im so glad you had a good time <3
rizz master 1000 has me crying omg ur too silly 😭 but him driving AN HOUR TO GIVE U UR THINGS STOP IT my little heart is so warm :( im proud of u for messaging him and asking for clarification about what the lil hangout was! n pls u r anything BUT a bitch!!!!! ur perfect and i hope things work out well with him!
dont apologize for he length! i love anything romance so inwas looking forward to this update!!!! wishing u the best of luck with him <3 mwah
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ohh, like what? i love hearingn about peoples hobbies 🫶🏻🫶🏻
I KNOWW cast list comes out tmrw and im super nervous, but honestly whatever i get is okay 🤷🏼♀️
-🦝
i do a lot of drawing! (writing too ofc heheh) i've been doing sports with my brother and just watching some tv shows that i have been wanting to watch for a while.
uncanny counter season 2 (i was obsessed with it when it first came out istg ;-;)
business proposal (i love this tv show and ive seen so many clips on tiktok)
i rewatched strong girl bongsoon (bc i have the fattest crush on park boyoung)
I hope the best for you ahhhhhh let me know what the results are im so excited!!! try not to feel nervous, just hope for the best, stay positive and if you dont get the role, dont worry! there wiull be alot of opportunities for you in the future.
let me know how it goes, im wishing you all the luck!!!
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About your top surgery:
Firstly, though, hoi! I'd like to say that I am happy for you, but I don't really feel happiness. Just nothing. But I am proud of you that you got the top surgery and seem very happy about it.
And going through your posts about it, I realize that I want top surgery, too. But I'm also genuinely afraid of the post-surgery time. And this makes me wonder, were you nervous or anxious before the surgery? (Also, apologies for the rambles and for not feeling the happiness for you)
no worries im happy to talk abt it :] i was anxious in the weeks and days coming up to the surgery, yea, but it was more anxiety abt stuff around the surgery than the procedure itself (like, ik several people who got top surgery at the same clinic and everything n they're super reputable so i wasnt worried about the medical aspect, just the preparations + i had to move appartments 10 days before the surgery + had to pack up AGAIN bc im actually staying with my parents for a month or two bc you absolutely need ppl to assist you with stuff during early recovery)
the closest thing to anxiety abt the actual surgery i had was one time a few weeks before it i was like "wait. what if i don't actually want this what if this is a mistake" and then to test it i put a bra and tshirt on and realized yeah no absolutely not thats just pointless self-doubt and i still hate these
it was rlly surreal tho if im being honest? idk if its even fully hit me that this was real and actually happened. I've wanted top surgery since i was like 13 but obv for most of that it felt like it was really distant in the future, and yet now that im flat it just feels. normal? like im still super early recovery so i havent actually seen my chest w/o the bandages yet but still just looking in the mirror with the bandages flat on my chest it just looks natural to me. its been less than a week and im already forgetting what it was like to have tits lmao (altho to be fair i've been binding for years so its not like they were ever a huge part of my life, just a major inconvenience)
and post-surgery really isnt that bad. i've complained about the weird nerve stuff, yea, but that does clear up eventually (altho ik it usually take years for the nerves to fully 100% heal, they're the slowest thing to regenerate). I've had basically zero pain, but i was still prescribed pain meds to take if i need them and given a lot of advice for healing as best as possible. the most important thing is definitely to have someone (or multiple people) be able to take time off to help you with everything (like, from food to drains to making sure you're comfortable and checking on you, you're not supposed to move your arms a lot or lift anything heavy for the first 6-ish weeks).
Post-op depression can be a thing for a lot of people too, but it hasnt hit me (at least not yet) and it can be avoided/mitigated by making sure you're not alone. having friends over, or calling people, making sure you still have games or movies or art to keep u occupied helps a ton.
also i dont think i've said it here before but i got top surgery at GRC montreal, and gender-affirming surgeries are covered by the government here in canada. I sent my paperwork/referral stuff there in may of last year, and it took them a couple months for each stage of processing but they gave me my surgery date (june 7th) a couple of months before, so (not counting the time to get a gender dysphoria diagnosis + letters from doctors and therapists and junk) i only had to wait about a year.
#sorry for the rambly answer dhshjfhsd#i hope it was helpful?? feel free to ask more tho i like talking abt it#green-cryptid-text#top surgery
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