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carnationsonschoolholidays · 8 months

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Testosterone

I feel like years and years of turmoil have stalled. I've hit a weird, purgatory-esque plateau in my development. I'm really happy with my transition. I like how I look. But I don't LOVE it. I don't take lots of selfies and get really excited to put on cool outfits or feel invigorated by shit anymore. Now I just wake up and do what I have to do. And I actually regard shaving as a hassle.

That's very new. Like it used to be this excitement about how much more my hair had grown every time I shaved- anxiously hoping each time that I'd get closer to a full beard- growing it out for as long as I could tolerate- then getting rid of it. Now, I know what's gonna happen. It'll grow out real fast. But not enough to reallyyyy be a full beard. There's no mystery anymore because I know it's gonna be a long time before it's actually a thick beard. So now, I don't shave it because I don't want to irritate my skin or get ingrown hairs or whatever, which is just dull- not so exciting. But also? Not bad!!!

I'm still super happy to even be having that experience. Just not in this insane euphoric way like when everything was completely new.

I'm experiencing this funny thing where like- I wake up and look in the mirror and I regard myself with this vague boredom. Like wow- I'm just some fucking dude. And I haven't been on a date in like 3 years. But now I live with my parents and I don't have a car, so like, when is that gonna change? Probably not soon. Does it have to change? Am I dying inside? No. Would it be nice to "get back out there" so to speak? Yes.

The fact that I talk about myself like a fucking middle-aged divorcee is part of the weird boredom thing. I think I'm starting to understand why a friend of mine told me I have "divorced man" energy.

I have gray hairs dude! I know I talk about that to an obnoxious degree and almost wear it as a badge of honor. But like wow. It's actually noticeable now. Like- it wasn't before, but now it is.

And I just look in the mirror and see this guy. With a little baby beard. And gray hairs. And like- who is that? Who is that guy?

I think part of the problem is transitioning actually made me overwhelmingly socially anxious. Like in my life I was always kind of like that, but it got so much worse. Not in a debilitating way where I can't go outside. Just in a lukewarm kind of overarching sense that I could definitely smile more, engage in more conversation etc. with people. The problem is just that I'm self-conscious and afraid to open my mouth in front of people that aren't also transmasc. Which is most people. So I just kinda go quiet.

Cause I'm afraid they're gonna like- think I'm gay or something? Which is hilarious, because I am. And I think about fucking men constantly.

But actually now that I think about it it's not just "not-transmasc" people, because now I'm in Florida and I have plenty of people who would like to hang out, but I am scared to initiate it!!!

I'm just so afraid that I'll ask someone to hang out and we'll have nothing to talk about! And if I'M the one to plan it, what do I even ask them to do? What if I pick the wrong activity and it's awkward or weird and they hate it? Or what if it's just a weird thing to ask someone to do to begin with??? What do we even do here? Go to the mall? Go see a movie? Take a walk? I wanna go to the beach, but a lot of the gay ppl I know here don't like the beach. But it's also stupid to assume that, because I haven't even asked!

A lot of these people knew me in high school. What if the person I am now is like- a weird dissapointment somehow. Or maybe in high school I was like- demure and quiet, and now I've changed, and they realize they actually don't like me.

Now that I'm typing this I hear how stupid it sounds.

Anyways, I also have to schedule around when I can borrow my mom's car here! It's demoralizing! But I'm not ashamed of my choices or anything I'm just kinda. In purgatory. But I'm really happy to be home for a lot of reasons. Like all the reasons I decided to come here still stand.

I'm just lonely.

And also living in a state of permanent repression of my desires. Despite the fact that I desire deeply.

This started out like I was gonna try and write something nice and poetic but I guess I'm not. Maybe I'll try another where I get explicit and then I can explore that part, bc I think this became something else.

#IM TRANS AND I WANNA FUCK #AND ALSO HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE #BUT I AM BUSY #AND SCARED #AND ALSO DONT HAVE A TON OF PERSONAL FREEDOM #OR LIKE- I DO #BUT I FEEL LIKE I DONT BC IM NERVOUS ABOUT MY FUTURE AND DONT FEEL LIKE I HAVE TIME TO BE UNEMPLOYED OR SOMETHING-#BC HOW IS THIS YEAR GONNA LOOK ON A RESUME... WENT HOME TO WRITE NOVEL...#HM AH...

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christakisbang · 7 months

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#my baby my love my everything i hope u have a day as wonderful and sweet and lovely as u are #stray kids #bang chan #bang chan gifs #stray kids gifs #skz #skz gifs #my gifs #cbbc2023 #ah. not to get sappy in the tags since im already using all my characters to get sappy in his bubble but. hm. he's very very very important #to me. kind of like. extremely special.#just. im so bad with words but idk if id be here without him and if i was id be deeply deeply unhappy? so im always gonna be grateful to hi #and his music and his company and his care #he's just so kind and sweet and deeply deeply caring and i know birthdays aren't special to him but i hope he gets to eat good food today #and spend time with people he loves & who love him in return and just has heaps of fun. today and every day i just hope he's happy #if he's half as happy as he makes me on the daily then i never have to wish for anything else #um. anw. silly little post for his day that did not warrant all that gut spilling. happy birthday my guy of all time. i love you

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a-dauntless-daffodil · 2 months

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imagining Charlie having an Oh moment when she finds Vaggie napping in a chair one day, early on, with Razzle and Dazzle sprawled out over Vaggie like they're trying to cover as much of her small body as they can with their own even smaller ones-

Charlie pulls out her phone and stealthily inches closer for a picture (she's doesn't' wanna wake them she swears) (she's just never seen something so cuuuuute-)

but a floor board squeaks and Razzle cracks an eye open to glower while Dazzle shushes her

and Charlie stops

There's another Oh... moment, because they've never shushed her before. They were brought to life to keep her safe and they've always only cared about that one thing- it took months for them to stop following Vaggie around the house suspiciously, like they always did with anyone Charlie tried having a relationship with, like a pair of silent, plush guard dogs-

(glaring at Vaggie from shadows, from across the table at breakfast and dinner, from the pillows directly over her head when Charlie finally convinced her maybe sharing a bed would help with the night terrors)

-but that'd all changed, at some point. Only, Charlie hadn't noticed until now

now she does. Now suddenly, she wonders

Charlie creeping over on silent, careful hooves, to gently stroke between the tiny wings of her childhood friends, looking from them to Vaggie's relaxed and sleeping face (getting a little lost watching her, for moment) (reaching out to tuck back a strand of the hair Vaggie is growing out long, accidently stroking Vaggie's cheek, forgetting to take her hand away afterwards) (the longer hair is hard not to play with, she excuses)

Charlie leaning in and asking Razzle and Dazzle, in the softest whisper-

"....are you keeping her safe for me?"

a pair of soft little churrs rising up in answer. Two little plush demons, snuggling closer to Vaggie as Vaggie frowns in her sleep, shifting restlessly, stirring-

Charlie freezing bc she has NO idea what to say if Vaggie wakes up and finds her- well. looming kinda?? while Vaggie SLEEPS???

it feels different than just already being there when Vaggie wakes up in the night, different in how waking up like that was normal when they'd gone to bed together, but crouching down to STARE at someone like this, with your hand still on her cheek, scared to move it in case that REALLY wakes her up when she DIDN'T get much sleep last night and DIDN'T wake you up that time for some reason so you couldn't snuggle her or make her feel better and now you might startle her instead or make her feel awkward which you hate- you don't want her to ever feel awkward around you-

it doesn't matter though

because Vaggie settles down again, as Dazzle croons quietly and Razzle reaches out a little paw to gently press her arm

she used to jump and flinch a little every time she saw them

when did that change?

these days she flicks little snacks at them from off her plate, no matter how many times Charlie reminds her they have their OWN plates and their OWN donuts and are just begging to get ATTENTION, the little show-stealers-

(not like Charlie's doing that too by complaining) (noooooo) (not like she grins like an idiot when Vaggie smiles and says cute things deserve a little extra attention, while looking over at Charlie instead)

these days any annoying demon who comes looking to curry favor with Lucifer (or trying pulling one over Morningstar's "naïve" daughter) gets pinned by THREE dangerous glares while waiting at the door for Charlie to hurry downstairs and meet them

(or rather shoo them away before they say something too not nice and Vaggie grabs her spear while Razzle and Dazzle get within ankle biting range)

when she thinks about it, things have been different for a while now

better. They've been better, and Charlie still doesn't know when or how it happened, and maybe that part doesn't matter so much anyway

in the present, Charlie takes the chance to retrieve her hand (reluctantly..) so she can slip off her jacket and tuck it around the three of them- Razzle, Dazzle. Vaggie- her two old friends and one new but very important one-

important enough to be considered part of her, by them as were created to protect her

and that's a new idea too. but she likes it a lot, she thinks

she likes being part of a family again

-

Vaggie wakes up a good solid two hours of nap time later with Razzle and Dazzle draped over her like furry boas and Charlie's head in her lap, a former Exorcist absolutely COVERED in cuddly demons-

she stays completely still for another hour more afterwards, stiff neck be damned, watching the three of them sleep. Smiling.

.... (it's only the three of them, later)

(when vaggie flutters up and finds razzle curled up on dazzle's memorial, the night after the battle. when she tucks him into her shoulder and heads back to her and charlie's rebuilt room. as a relieved and teary eyed charlie scoops him up and the three up them huddle together under vaggie's reformed wings)

(it's only three of them... but part of why charlie cries that night is knowing dazzle did his job- vaggie is still here)

(dazzle did his best. and for everything charlie lost, the old hotel, too many of the cannibals who followed her, almost all the egg bois, sir pentious, dazzle himself, the faith that she could solve all this without anyone getting hurt...)

(she didn't lose the part of herself that'd held her together the night before the battle, held so many other times, through family calls and failed meetings with heaven) (she didn't lose vaggie-)

(and some of charlie's tears that night, for dazzle, are grateful)

(he died trying to keep charlie safe. and he did. he did)

#hazbin hotel #razzle and dazzle hazbin hotel #charlie morningstar #chaggie #vaggie #silly headcanons #ah it turned a little sad at the end...#hm #we'll thats fair i guess #its been too sad to talk about razzle and dazzle knowing what happens #but i think them and vaggie would've been good friends #and trusted each other with charlie #the Most Important thing #to all of them

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neon-catarina · 9 days

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EAT YOUR FRIENDS.

#ah I love this song🥰🥰#and depictions of glass breaking in hms art 🥰🥰🥰🥰#I also gave mind grey hairs because of course it would have grey hairs and i was stupid for not adding it to my reference sheet #like i was so envious of white hair mind designs but i didn't want to draw him with white hair for some reason but like!!!#The solution!!! Gray hairs!!!#neon's nonsense #chonny jash #chonnys charming chaos compendium #cj mind #cccc #cccc fanart #cccc mind #cccc heart #cj heart #just realised i forgot Heart's lipstick in the small heart drawing under the “its just me” bit and i can't be bothered to fix it #that will irk me

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grantwilsonenjoyer · 1 month

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hey. Hey guys do you remember. do you. do you remember when

#(Kills a kid) “hm. Ah. damn thats a little. Hm. yeah anyways!”#was having a fine ans normal day until i remembered this part of his wiki. crying #nick close i will save u #dndads

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faeriekit · 5 months

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Touch deprived

Kind touches stop after Damian is two.

He does not know this, because at the time, he is two.

The next time someone touches him without the intent of harming him, it is Richard, and it is a surprise. Damian can't help lashing out; he can't help how his heartbeat races, how his breath quickens, how he can't let go of the dagger he drew out of his boot, how he has to leave. Immediately.

The next few touches are equally as kind, if less of surprise.

Damian hates them. He flees from them equally.

He cringes when his father reaches out to touch his shoulder; he dodges Richard's loving tackle-hugs. Cain is impossible to dodge, and he hates her hair-ruffles in equal measure. Todd occasionally invades his personal space and Damian flees before contact can be made. Brown will attempt "fraternal punching", which is just regular hits aimed at his shoulders and arms, and Damian refuses to let those land out of pride in his skill.

Drake, however, does...nothing. Until he invades Damian's room one afternoon.

(Damian does not get off his bed; if Drake is to attack him, Damian could easily subdue him from his reclined posture.)

"What," Damian snaps. He owes Drake no etiquette.

Drake rolls his eyes; the teenager holds up a gray mass as large as a common pillow, arms straining under the weight. "Got you something, your highness. Here."

Damian ignores the incorrect address. "I do not want it."

"You haven't tried it."

And then something heavy falls on top of him. Damian's eyes widen; he scrambles away, prepared to free himself from...

...A blanket.

Damian stares down at it. The blanket sits on his bed, threatening in its mere presence.

"Try it," is all Drake says, eyeing Damian as if the boy is prepared to attack him outright. (He is.) "It's good for anxiety and stuff."

"I do not have anxiety." Damian would never fail deeply enough to have his mental state affected thusly.

"Sure, kid."

Damian is not a kid. But Drake leaves before Damian can correct him on his misinformed opinion, and then Damian is alone with a...blanket.

And. Damian does tests on the fabric, of course. It comes back clean of touch-based toxins, air-diffused toxins, and anything that isn't cotton fiber and cheap plastic pellets. It's only a blanket.

Only...it's a heavy blanket.

...Out of curiosity, Damian uses it one evening. He looks forward to rubbing its ineffectiveness in Drake's face in the morning, but...

...Damian takes the blanket downstairs for movie night the next week. When Richard doesn't reach out to touch him, Damian dares to lay on Richard's shoulder. The blanket presses down against him the way a hug probably ought to.

He is comfortable through the entire event.

#Also-Autistic Tim: ah. Autism. I know what this is #Dick: I think it's trauma actually?#Cass (from across the room): both #Tim: yeah. He gets it from Bruce #Bruce (not listening): hm?#everyone: Nothing!!#thanks for asking!!#dc #batfam #ask games #faer fic

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piningprecussionist · 2 months

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As requested!

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gt-scribbles · 7 months

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I love smaller companions, who are very used to their larger or size-shifting companions, being abruptly reminded sometimes of just how large and powerful their friends/partners are.

If you hang around a giant enough [especially one that usually is about your size because they're a size-shifter], eventually you get comfortable with them. Casual. Sometimes you forget, in the midst of their kindness and gentle-ness towards you, that they can level whole buildings. Crush boulders with a single hand. Let loose a beastly roar that shakes your bones and makes even the earth tremble beneath you.

You forget that a lot when you're so used to them laughing with you, taking walks, enjoying nature, letting you ride their shoulder or in their pocket.

And then sometimes, when they go to pick you up under your arms, you're sharply reminded of just _how_ big they are compared to you. Those moments of clarity keep you humble. Keep you... excited, almost.

After all, life with a giant requires a healthy level of self-awareness and respect. But it makes that deep trust and the special treatment you get from them all the more special.

#giant/tiny #sfw Gt #sfw g/t #sfw giant/tiny #size difference #Corrie and I were talking about a giant getting really bad cute aggression and like. having to get it out before gently picking up someone #and that someone having like. 5% 'ah right how could I forget this is very dangerous'. 65% 'nah it's fine I trust them still'.#And then 40% 'ah. hm. ahahaha. //twirls hair around finger// do that again.'#If you're not at least a TINY bit nervous around ur giant friends now and then what's the POINT #where's the SPICE.#Like not AFRAID of them. just. humbly reminded of their abilities. Of their big-ness.

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niftukkun · 1 year

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unguided hand, what is your crown?

individual images under the cut! ^_^

meteor, mars the sea, our world, the space between stars ticking time and the tool to cut it short a victor stands, beheld by the court

#gamble the queue #art #my art #digital art #artists on tumblr #fan art #fanart #drawing #inthelittlewood #itlwart #inthelittlewood fanart #traffic life series #limited life smp #martyn inthelittlewood #limlife #tw flashing images #gif #dear fucking augh am i never gonna fucking make a gif again this was such a headache. worth it. but a headache #also funny thing when writing the poem i went hm what rhymes with short and my brain immediately went ah yes. hort

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gwinverarrouz · 7 months

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Just finished rereading the first Bartimaeus book and yeah, yeah, I can see why I loved these books so much as a child :>

I feel like these illustrations aren't 100% faithful to the source material but maybe they're how Bart wished things happened, you know??

#so he can look all cool and mighty and everything #instead of bickering with a twelve-year-old and falling head first into a tree or something #no human face because when i looked for refs i saw a cute gargoyle with a long neck and a weird dragon face and it stuck with me XD #i don't have time for inktober this year but at least i got to do a bit of watercolours yay #oh you can't. really see the details much hm. Ah Well #it was drawn on A4 paper and it looks tiny now #mydrawings #Fanart #Bartimaeus #Nathaniel #Bartimaeus trilogy #Jonathan Stroud

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57sfinest · 1 year

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also yall we need to step back from the harryvision and understand that kim, at his core, is a loser (affectionate) like everyone else. so much out there wants to portray him as limitless patience, great cook, super organized, good handwriting, nice tasteful living quarters etc and that's fun to contrast him to harry but well i am here to RUIN that we need to take off the du bois glasses and appreciate kim for the weirdguy that he is. he has horrific fits of road rage and harry genuinely fears for his life riding along with him and witnessing the generational curses this man is capable of unleashing upon the stupid little fucks that cut him off on the 8/81. he has never had the time or space or budget to learn to cook so he lives off deli sandwiches and butter noodles and the occasional grab-and-go fruit. he writes so much so frequently with such awful handwriting that he has invented a new form of shorthand and the moralintern is contacting him to create a cipher system for them. he has no resources to furnish and maintain a nice flat so it's like a slightly gentrified r/malelivingspace but with a table for his sewing machine and there's scrap fabric and thread and half-pinned half-hemmed pants strewn about the place. there are absolutely a bunch of shitty mockups of his old wirral character in the backs of his notebooks and he hasn't played it in years but if he ever picks it back up then his minmax high int high dex definitely-not-a-self-insert sidhe artificer is READY. everyone add your weirdguy kim thoughts NOW 👇

#the 'kim is so cool and confident etc' illusion shatters the moment martinaise is over and harry knows him outside of the one case #harry will be starry eyed about him for a long time regardless. but harry knows More now #harry like kim i dont know how to cook for myself please help :(#kim comes over. they attempt a dinner. the vegetables turn out undercooked but burnt somehow. the pasta is limp.#the chicken gives them food poisoning.#'are you... bad at cooking?' harry asks. kim pulls the eyebrow. they drop the conversation and harry never asks again #harry decides to try out wirral with a local group and tells kim. kim goes full nerd mode #kim walks him through character creation and gives him a full rules rundown from memory #introduces him to the prominent ttrpg settings and lore. it's a literal 8 hour conversation #at the end of it kim says 'and that's the basics' and harry gives him a Look and kim is like ah. i may have told on myself a bit there.#anyway that ends in harry DEMANDING to see kim's wirral character #kim (embarrassed) (proud of his character) (ashamed) (really wants to talk about his character) (needs help with backstory details)#anyway they end up workshopping their characters together.#kim at the end is like 'hm maybe your guy can be in mine's backstory' and harry goes '😣👉👈 is this first base...'#kiwipost #harry du bois #kim kitsuragi

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qqueenofhades · 10 days

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Etc etc yay prospective book chapter accepted for publication, boo horrible gross terrible now I have to actually write it.

#hilary for ts #school stuff #my spam filter also ate all the messages about it for two and a half months (💀💀💀) so i only found out about it today #but yes #“ah yes very good! ... hm. suboptimal”: the journey

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aroanthy · 3 months

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i genuinely can’t think about nanami and akio for too long or i do think i will keel over and die but the thing is. when he drives his car into the kiryuu mansion before her car sequence (‘it’s time for your ride’, akio says when he would ordinarily say nothing at this point), nanami says ‘it’s you’. it’s you. obvious interpretation here is ‘you’re end/s of the world’, and that’s certainly part of it. but i think it’s more so like. It’s You. as in, you’re everywhere. you have a hand in everything. you brought me into your home under the guise of protecting me, and in doing so traumatised me, and harmed me, and now you’re in my home, and everyone i have spoken to about you loves you, wishes to protect you, sees no issue with the things that you do. of course it’s you. as much as touga might try to resist nanami’s attempts to sincerely understand him, this moment gives her the first real opportunity she’s ever had to do that. here is a sliver of the ‘real’ version of her brother, in proximity to and aligning himself with this man. it’s you. it’s you. i feel like a rabid dog rn

#and this is but one of MANY thoughts i have about nanami’s dynamic with akio #like screaming crying throwing up etc but it’s SOOOOO interesting to me #how she first meets him like huh what an archetypal brother how nice #and how. how. how she hms and ums and ahs and doubts and questions #feels uncertain. walks in on some fragment of truth and doesn’t wholly understand it but nonetheless #she hates this guy’s guts!!!!!!!! and the way she expresses that so brazenly…. nanami… nanami #happy it’s you saturday. i can’t believe fnaf was just a her tragedy reference this whole time #dais.txt

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thatsgonnaleaveamark · 7 months

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