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#I've been working on all these simultaneously for the past few weeks

yoongiseesawmp3 · 3 months

Text

ceilings - san

summary: pe teacher!san x single mom!reader. your kid is finally ready to go to school, and you're spiraling. thankfully, you find friendship with your kid's teacher and she becomes determined to become your best friend. simultaneously, she tries to set you up with the cute pe teacher, but you know him from somewhere deep within your past. can the truth come out without jeopardizing your future?

word count: 12.4k

warnings: afab reader so gendered terms, mentions of accidental pregnancy

masterlist / part two

"violet, come on, we're gonna be late!" you shout to your daughter. it's her first day of kindergarten, her first day of real school, and you're so close to tears. you want to cry because your baby is growing up, because you won't get to cart your little mini me around with you everywhere now, because you're so stressed about getting her to school on time. it's been a rough morning, and your daughter taking her sweet time is not helping.

"i'm almost ready!" she shouts back from the bathroom, and you suppress a groan. what does a five year old have to primp for?

"one more minute and i'm dragging you to the car!" you threaten lightheartedly, knowing she'll only take it to mean she has a minute before you go and help her.

"i'm done," she says proudly as she appears in the doorway to the kitchen. hands on her hips she asks, "how do i look?"

"ridiculous," you laugh. "is that my shirt?"

"and my belt!" she defends herself. "i thought it was cute."

"it is cute, baby, but maybe you should wear something more comfortable for the first day?" you offer. you shuffle over to the laundry basket you left on the stairs and dig around for an outfit, handing your stubborn daughter some jeans and a sweater. "just wear something comfy today, and later this week you can dress silly."

"i wasn't dressed silly, i was dressed like you," violet mumbles, and you roll your eyes. your daughter definitely got your sass, and your stubbornness, but the resemblance kind of stops there. she's a spitting image of her father, a constant reminder of the mistake you made when you were younger. but it wasn't really a mistake, was it? if it brought you the one thing that's made you happier than anything before, it wasn't a mistake at all. violet was the best thing that ever happened to you, and again, the waterworks threaten to fall as you think about dropping her off for her first day of school. a day, you realize, you're late for.

"c'mon sugar, we gotta go!" you shout, grabbing her hello kitty backpack. "i've got your stuff, meet me in the car!"

you work close enough to violet's school that you can be one of those annoying carpool parents swarming the school grounds every day. while violet may hate it, you're so excited for all the memories that will come from these trips to and from school each day. like today, you'll always remember how violet started crying a few minutes down the road, claiming she didn't want to go to school because she didn't want to eat school lunch.

"it's not that bad, vi." you tell her as you peek at her through the rearview. "i remember loving some days of school lunch so much i would always go, even if i was sick."

"but you only liked some days," she sniffed. "what if i don't like any of the days?"

"then i'll pack you a lunch," you assure her. "just try it this week, every day, because some days will be better than others. then if you don't like any of it i'll start making your lunch. how does that sound?"

"okay," she nods, her sad little sniffles clearing up. "thank you mommy."

"we're almost there," you say quietly, more to yourself than to your daughter. "are you excited, sugar?"

"kinda," she admits. "i'm excited to see miss jen!"

"she's gonna be a great teacher," you agree. "you're gonna learn so much, and you're gonna have so much fun with her and all the friends you're gonna make. right?"

violet nods again, and you're satisfied for now. you're sure your baby is alright to go off to school for the first time, at least for the time being. surely there will be another thing to freak about later in the day, but for now you need to worry about navigating this carpool line. a man in workout clothes with a haggard looking traffic vest is directing traffic, and while you pass him, you feel your heart skip a beat.

it can't be him, right? there's no way he works here. it can't be. you keep driving, following the cones until you pull up to the sidewalk and a very kind looking teacher approaches your car with a soft smile.

"good morning!" he chirps. "i'm mr. kang, the librarian," he says as he stoops to peer through your window. his gaze goes to the backseat, asking violet, "are you ready for the best day ever?"

she nods shyly, and you watch as she undoes her car seat and slides out of the car with her too big book bag engulfing her frame as she walks away. you shout her name and she turns, a nervous look on her face.

"have a great day, my love!" you blow her a kiss for good measure, and you carry the way she smiles proudly with you for the rest of the day. the man in the traffic vest is all but forgotten, but he watches from afar in confusion. was he seeing things, or were you really here dropping off a kid? a kid, in fact, who looked exactly like he did at that age. weird, he thinks, but he shakes it off and continues directing traffic, wondering how he could find a way to introduce himself over the next few days.

when you were younger, your parents always supported you academically, but they were never involved with the school itself. pta meetings were not their thing, and it was a struggle getting them to take off work for a parent/teacher conference. you had decided early on that you would be one of those involved parents, one that knew your kid's teacher well and participated in room mom activities. you were texting violet's teacher last night, actually, asking if there was anything you could bring to help celebrate the first week, and she was eager to have the help.

she'd asked you to bring lollipops, so on thursday afternoon you're searching for a parking spot before school lets out. you were going to drop the goodies off at violet's classroom and help jen with the goody bags during dismissal, quick and easy. except, an intimidating figure walking toward your car may not make this process as easy as you'd have hoped.

san saw your car pull up and immediately stepped out into the parking lot. as the unofficial carpool guardian, one of his daily jobs is stopping parents who try to cheat the system by taking up faculty spots so they can be first in line. san didn't know it was you or he would've approached with a different demeanor, but today was rough. he had at least two criers per class and one kid who ran so hard after lunch he puked outside san's office. he wasn't in the mood to deal with a privileged parent, so he lets out a deep sigh as he approaches your now open window.

"ma'am you can't park here-" he starts, but as soon as his eyes meet yours he chokes on his words. "y/n?"

"hi san," you smile shyly, heartbeat racing. "so i can't park here? there weren't any guest spots out front, and i need to take something to vi's class-"

"vi?" san questions, and you let out a deep sigh of your own.

"violet," you tell him. "my..my daughter."

"i thought that was you the other day," san admits, and you nod in confirmation. "well, um, if you're just coming to drop something off, you're all good, you can leave your car-"

"oh really? i can move, it's no problem-"

"no, no, don't worry about it-"

"are you sure?" you ask, finally stopping the awkward back and forth. "you won't tattle?"

"pinky promise," san laughs, holding your door for your as you get out. "but i'd sneak out before carpool starts up if i were you, it'll be hard to pull out once the lot fills up."

"got it," you nod graciously, slipping your hand into the backseat to grab the bag of candy. san is still standing there, so you clear your throat and try to leave. "well, thanks for letting me-"

"no worries-"

"it was good seeing you-"

"yeah, yeah..." san trails off. once you're a few feet away he calls your name. you turn to see what he needs, and he thinks about it before shrugging. "never mind," he says. "it was nice to see you."

"bye san," you manage to get out before you turn the corner, hands sweaty and heart doing funny flips in your chest.

you hadn't told violet about your visit, so when jen lets you into the room you hear an excited squeal followed by a pair of small arms wrapped around your legs. violet looks up at you proudly, a spot of something on her cheek. you forget sometimes, just how much she looks like san, but your exchange outside has him fresh on the brain. she has his smile. you shake the thoughts from your head and try to take a step, but violet won't budge.

"hey sugar," you laugh, ruffling her hair with your free hand. "go back to your seat, school's not over yet."

"but-"

"violet, do you want to show your mom where to put the bags she brought?" jen offers, and you send her a thankful look. violet tugs on your hand, bringing you over to the "treasure box" which is really just a filing cabinet jen must have filled with candy and toys. violet shows you each drawer, and you make her look away as you place the candy in it's appropriate drawer so it won't ruin the surprise for now. satisfied with her work, violet goes back to her seat as the bell rings for dismissal. you organize some of the other things you brought on jen's desk as she goes over reminders for the class, and then the first few rounds of students start leaving.

"thanks for bringing all this," jen says as she joins you.

"do you need help putting them together?" you ask, and she thinks for a moment.

"no, i don't want to keep you," she starts.

"well, i think i'm stuck for a while anyway," you inform her. "i had to park in a faculty spot, and carpool-"

"oh yeah, you're definitely stuck," jen laughs. "let me get everything set up, and then you can start while i help the rest of the kids leave, if you don't mind?"

"not at all!" you assure her, looking out to find violet watching you both like a hawk. "do you think we'll need another set of hands though?" jen follows your gaze and laughs before waving violet over. the three of you get everything set up, and you ask violet about her day as jen organizes the next group of kids for bus call.

"it was good!" violet says happily. "i liked lunch today."

"what did they have?"

"chicken sammiches," she says, and you laugh.

"sandwiches, baby," you tell her. "sammiches is a me and you word, but some people may not know what that means."

"i like chicken sandwiches and chicken sammiches," she nods. "and then we had pe and a boy in my class threw up. he had pizza."

"gross," you crinkle your nose. "you liked pe though?"

"yeah, it was fun!" violet goes off on a tangent about all the games, and jen rejoins you to help finish the bags. the three of you fall into comfortable conversation with violet as the life of the party. you like jen, you find yourself thinking. you hope it's not weird to be friends with your kid's teacher, because you could really use one here. you're lost in that thought, so you don't notice when someone appears in the doorway.

"mr. choi!" violet chirps, abandoning her task and rushing to meet him. never met a stranger, your child, because she's tugging his hand and bringing him over to you. "this is mommy."

"that's not her name though, is it violet?" jen asks, ever the teacher.

"y/n," san nods, and you don't miss the way jen looks from you to san to violet and back again. "did you get tricked into staying late?"

"no, i offered," you reply. "but i didn't have a choice, i didn't listen to your advice and couldn't leave before carpool started."

"you're all good now," he says, holding up his reflective vest all crumpled in his big hand. "just sent the last kid home."

"good to know," you nod. "vi, where's your stuff? we'll leave soon."

"no!" she whines. "i don't wanna leave!"

"don't you want a snack though?" you tempt her, and that sends the mini menace into motion.

"to what do i owe the pleasure of you stinking up my classroom, choi?" jen asks.

"i wanted to talk to you about the kid that threw up today," he says, and you must look at him confused because he asks you if anything's wrong.

"are you the pe teacher here?"

"yep," he answers. "i didn't know this was your violet," he says, nodding his head toward your kid. "she's a sweetheart. ball of energy too."

"you're telling me," you smile softly. violet walks over then, informing you that she's ready to go. you ask jen if there's anything else you can do, but she insists on you taking violet home.

"you've helped enough, believe me," jen tells you. "i'll see you tomorrow violet!"

"bye miss jen!" violet says with a smile. "bye mr. choi! i hope no one pukes on you tomorrow!"

jen waits for you and your kid to be far enough down the hall before she asks calmly. "so. how do you know y/n?"

"we, uh, we go way back," san says. "went to school together, college, all that."

"oh, so you like, really know her," jen says, a plan brewing in her head. she saw the way san looked at you. she also knows you're single. "you didn't know her kid went here?"

"didn't know she had a kid at all," san shakes his head, and he seems to get lost in a thought before he remembers what he came here for. "anyway, this kid today, you gotta tell him not to eat so much before pe..."

you and san didn't grow up together, exactly, but you have known him since high school. you floated around similar groups of friends, so you hung out regularly without ever getting too close. it wasn't until college that you actually became friends. you both went to a local school, at least as local as you can get for your small town. living in a city all by yourself was intimidating, but you weren't worried about not making friends. you knew they would come.

the day of your orientation, san saw you sitting by yourself in the auditorium and immediately recognized you. he brushed off his sweaty hands before walking over and softly calling your name. when you registered who he was, you smiled and invited him to sit next to you. both happy to see a familiar face, you spent the rest of orientation attached at the hip. in fact, you spent the rest of your time at school like that. san was your best friend, nothing more. he didn't always feel that way, but he did a good job of hiding his feelings. he was able to hide how he felt about you all the way up to the final semester of your senior year.

you were thriving, one of those seniors itching to finish school and get out into the real world. you knew you were just months away from a successful career, and you wouldn't let anything get in your way. you liked that you didn't know what was coming next or where you would end up after graduation. the prospect of moving to a new city, hell, maybe a new country, was exciting. this restlessness is what made san speak up. he was ready to graduate too, sure, but he was ready to get out of the city. san always wanted to be a teacher, and he already had offers all across the state, but the only job he cared about was in his hometown. it's where he wanted to be, and he knew that if he didn't tell you how he felt now, he may never get the chance. he wanted you to know so he could at least have a chance with you, even for a little while.

so he confessed, one night early in the semester. he was walking you home, his dorm only a few doors down from yours. at the door to your dorm he pulled you into a hug, which was normal for him. san was always a touchy friend, but what he said as he pulled away still bounces around in your head.

"y/n, i think i'm in love with you," he said earnestly. you looked in his eyes, trying to find the beginnings of a smile, some hint of a secret, that this was a joke. but he was serious. when you didn't say anything he shrugged, stepped away, and added, "i just wanted you to know."

you still don't know if it was shock or fear that kept you from saying anything that night, from calling his name and pulling him back in. but you didn't say anything then, you didn't say anything for months. san pretended like it never happened, and you just went along.

it didn't come up again until the going away party at the end of the year. school was over, finals done, and graduation was days away. everyone wanted to celebrate the past four years and freak out over what was next, all sharing where they were going and how scared they were. san was moving back home to be a teacher and wasn't scared at all. you were leaving for a bigger and better city the day after graduation and you were terrified.

later, san pulled you to the side and asked if you were ok. you knew he was referring to the job stuff, but you had other things on your mind. you were a little tipsy, so you decide that's why you leaned in and kissed him. it was quick, soft, barely a kiss, but you did it. you kissed him and pulled back faster than san could think, his eyes still closed when you parted and said, "i just wanted to know what it would feel like."

you were able to avoid him for the rest of the party, enjoying your last few hours with some of your best friends. you had an early morning, so you stopped drinking before everyone else and found yourself as a designated walker at the end of the night. you and san were elected to walk a few friends back to their dorms, dropping them off as you passed each building on your own walk home. inevitably, you were left alone with san at your door like that night months ago. san looked like he wanted to say something, and you didn't want him to leave, so instead of separating at the door you invited him in.

you'll never forget that night, and neither will san. but with your paths parting in a few days, you thought it would be something you could move on from eventually. a few weeks later, in your new city, at the perfect job, you found out you were pregnant. it hurt, the decision to not tell san, but the thought of stopping your life before it even started hurt more. you figured you would never see san again, or that you could at least keep the kid a secret if you ever hung out with your college friends again. you never thought that you'd somehow end up moving your daughter to the neighborhood where san grew up, or that the great school you fought to enroll her in could possibly be where san currently worked. but that's life, isn't it? or fate. or maybe just dumb luck. whatever it was, the universe was trying to get you to tell the truth and you're not sure you're ready to do that. to yourself, to violet, or to san.

san can't stop thinking about you. he tries so hard to catch a glimpse of you during carpool, but he's too busy focusing on a million other things and never manages to find you. he tries to think about how he could use violet to talk to you, like sending a note home with her, but that's inappropriate. he needs to see you again, though. that's when he gets an idea.

you and jen have become genuine friends, which has made things confusing for violet only because she treats jen like her teacher in casual settings. you met up for dinner the other night and violet raised her hand to ask jen a question, so hopefully she'll get used to it. san knows you two are close, and he knows if he asks jen about you she'll tell him whatever he wants to know.

at lunch one day he finds jen in the teacher's lounge and motions to the empty seat at her table. she lets him sit, but warns, "wooyoung saved the other seats for himself, so leave now if you want to."

wooyoung, one of the third grade teachers, was actually one of san's best friends. he's a hand full, yes, but fiercely loyal and caring. san doesn't necessarily want him to hear the conversation he wanted to have with jen, but oh well. as soon as san has that thought, wooyoung is bursting through the door with a stack of plastic containers from the lunchroom in his arms.

"m'lady," he nods to jen as he passes her a container. he looks to san and asks, "you want one bro?"

"what's in it?" san asks skeptically, and wooyoung shows off a stack of chicken sandwiches. "seriously?"

"hey, they're really good," jen pipes up. "the kids are lucky they get to eat these."

"how did you get so many?" san asks wooyoung as he takes a sandwich anyway.

"flirted with the lunch ladies."

"course you did," jen rolls her eyes, taking a bite of the sandwich. she chuckles to herself, and then shares, "you know, there's a kid in my class who calls these sammiches? no matter how many times you correct her, she won't say anything else. she told me this morning she didn't want to come to school, but she did because it was sammich day."

that's violet. san knows it is. he heard a snippet of your conversation in jen's classroom weeks ago, but he also knows he's heard violet say something similar when she comes to the gym. she loves those sandwiches, and san must admit, now that he's tried one he gets the hype. this is his shot though, he thinks to himself. he clears his throat and asks, "that's y/n's girl right?"

"who's y/n?" wooyoung asks, and jen responds, "san's girlfriend."

"no she's not," san says quickly. "she's kidding."

"you like her though?" wooyoung smirks, and san shakes his head.

"i-it's not like that," san explains. "i knew her a long time ago, and haven't seen her for a few years. that's all."

"so what about her?" jen asks.

"what do you mean?"

"well you brought her up," jen laughs. "you want me to tell her you asked about her? that feels very elementary of you, san."

"no, no, i was just, uh," san racks his brain for a response, "um, she's your room mom right? i may need to talk to her, for um, uh, field day."

"sure," jen nods. "i can give you her number, if you don't have it?"

"yeah, yeah," san nods too, "sure, if you think that'll be ok. i mean, i just needed to ask something, really quick, but, um, sure, yeah."

"if you really need to talk to her, she's coming in tomorrow i think," jen says, checking her phone. "yeah, tomorrow is violet's birthday, so y/n is bringing cupcakes at lunch. you can just stop by my class table and ask her whatever you need to ask her."

"oh, cool, great," san nods. wooyoung and jen share a quiet laugh, noticing that san seems like a bobblehead nodding so nervously. "yeah, tomorrow. lunch tomorrow. i'll be here."

you're running late. it's your kid's frickin birthday and you're late. you wanted to be supermom, make cupcakes from scratch, but work has been crazy on top of all the prep for violet's party, and you're just one woman. you can't do all of this by yourself, and it's times like these that you wish...no. that's not where you're going to let your mind wander today. today is all about violet, so as you rush out of the grocery store, you handle the store bought cupcakes with intense care. you can't be late and show up with smushed cupcakes.

thankfully this town is small enough that everything is within spitting distance, so you arrive at violet's school with just a few minutes left in her lunch. you hurry through the check in, rushing off to where you hope the lunchroom is. it would be just your luck to get lost right now, but you let out a breath of relief when you turn the corner and see the cafeteria ahead. you have to pause at the door to look for her class, and you hold back a sob when you see one very broad shouldered man sitting next to your beautiful daughter. you manage to walk up without violet seeing you, but at the sound of your footsteps, san turns. he smiles at you softly and he looks so much like violet it hurts. your eyes drift to your daughter, who's noticed you now and bounces in her seat.

"hey birthday girl," you say meekly, clearing your throat before you speak again. "how's your day been?"

"good!" violet smiles, showing you a half eaten vanilla cupcake with purple icing. "mr. choi brought me birthday cake!"

"aw, that's sweet," you say, looking to san. he's staring at you intensely as you ask, "did you tell him thank you?"

"i did!" violet confirms, but she turns to san and repeats, "thank you, it was yummy."

"do you have room for another?" you ask her, holding up the cupcakes you brought. violet already looks ready to bounce off the walls, so you'll have to apologize to jen later, but you ask if she wants to help pass out cupcakes to her friends. you hold the containers as she carefully hands out the treats, and you're pleased to know there were plenty of cupcakes for everyone. actually, there's some left over, so you start packing them up to take home but violet stops you.

"mommy, we need to give mr. choi one," she tells you, and you look to san sheepishly. "and there's one for you too, mommy!"

"i guess we're having cupcakes," you chuckle with san, offering him one of the last two cupcakes. "vi, can i take your spot?" she nods eagerly, letting you sit on the hilariously tiny lunch chair. you struggle balancing on it and look up to see san watching, trying not to laugh. violet is oblivious though, icing smeared all over her face as she talks to her friend across the table. "hey, no laughing. it's been a long day."

"sorry," san says, the remnants of a smile still on his face. "you doing alright?"

"i'm fine," you sigh slightly. you look at san again, really look at him, and you feel your heart constrict. "thank you for bringing her a cupcake."

"oh, sure," san says. "i didn't want to overstep, but jen told me yesterday, and i figured violet could at least take it home, but when i got here and didn't see, uh...you weren't here-"

"you can say it, i was late to my own kid's birthday," you laugh, rubbing your hand over your face. san finds himself staring at your fingers and something pops into his head.

"and again i ask, you doing alright?" he laughs with you. "being a parent must be hard."

"it has its bad days," you admit. "but for every bad day there's hundreds of good ones, so it makes the whole single parenting thing a little easier."

there it is. single. san looks down to your hands again, and has to hide his satisfied smirk. there's no ring.

"so, what-" san starts to ask, but the bell dings and the cafeteria erupts in even more sound. students talking, teachers yelling, chairs scraping as everyone is set in motion. jen walks over then, smiling when she sees you and san sat so close together. she waves hello before calling for her class, and you give violet a big squeezey hug and a kiss on the forehead before she takes her food and runs off. san watches you watching violet, and now it's his turn for his heart to twist. he's missed you. a lot.

"i guess i better go," you say as you gather all of the cupcake trash. san covers his hands over yours, stilling your movements and your heart, and says, "let me, i'll clean up."

"th-thank you san," you say shyly, and he waves you off. he can feel your eyes on him as he walks to the trash cans, and he can't help it, when he turns around he pulls a face that used to always make you laugh. his success rate is still high, because a beautiful giggle appears from deep within your chest, and then san is standing back in front of you. you know him, and you know there's something he wants to say, so you ask, "are you doing alright?"

"i'm fine," he nods, and you playfully push his shoulder. he smiles as he goes on, "actually, i was thinking about it, and i'll need your new number. for field day purposes, of course."

"oh," you breathe. "oh, right. room mom stuff. um, well unless you deleted my contact info, my number is the same."

"oh."

"yeah."

"right, then i guess i'm good," san says, looking around for any last bits of trash. "always good seeing you, y/n. tell violet happy birthday again from me."

"will do," you squeak out, calling out your thanks to him one last time as he walks away. you're left in the now silent lunchroom, heart and mind racing.

"i'm just saying, you and san would make a cute couple," jen repeats for what feels like the millionth time today. she's come over to your house early to help set up violet's birthday party, and you're thankful for the help but wishing the set up was less obvious. "you already know each other, so it's not like you'd have to go through that awkward dating phase-"

"did we put balloons on the mailbox already?" you cut through her words, grabbing a couple pink and purple balloons from the pile on the table. "i'll do that now, so people know which house it is. if vi wakes up, tell her i'll make birthday pancakes as soon as i'm done."

"will do," jen salutes you, taking the remaining balloons into the living room. "i'll tack these to the ceiling or something."

"please don't!" you call out before you shut the door, and you take a deep breath when you're outside alone. you don't know how to make jen stop talking about san, and it's draining. you've tried changing the subject and she always finds a way to bring san back into it. she means well, you know that. but what she doesn't know is that everything she says about san just rubs salt in the wound you inflicted on yourself, and it's getting harder to ignore. you're either going to snap and tell her to shut up, or you're going to snap and admit to what you've been hiding. either option isn't ideal, so fingers crossed violet wakes up soon and you can use her as a buffer.

tying the balloons to your mailbox ended up being more of an ordeal than you thought, so it takes you a while to trudge back into the house. you're tired already and the party hasn't started yet. you're making another cup of coffee when you realize the house is quiet, no sounds of jen and no sounds of vi. you let the coffee pot run as you walk around in search of the girls, and you hear a faint noise coming from the backyard. a peek through the window shows jen and violet running streamers from the back porch to vi's playset, and your heart warms. while they're outside, you get to work on the birthday pancakes in peace. you're almost done with them when you get a call, groaning to yourself thinking it's a parent calling about the party. you don't check the name before you answer, letting out a perfectly nice, "hello?"

"y/n, hi," san says on the other line. "is this a bad time?"

"um, n-no," you stammer, "it's um, no, i can talk. just for a minute."

"if you're busy i can call back-"

"no, san, go ahead," you insist. "just be warned i'm making pancakes, so i am a little distracted."

"oh yeah, you used to suck at those," san teases, and for a moment you're thrown back to college. you remember san staying over at your dorm, claiming he was too drunk to walk the fifteen steps down the hall. you let him crash on your floor, and he woke up to an awful hangover and the sound of you cursing over your batch of blackened pancakes. trying to be nice, san tried one anyway. you'll never forget the way you both belly laughed after he lied and said they were good with a look of fear in his eyes. later he admitted he'd never had something so bad, and you swore to never make pancakes again. san obviously remembers, because he asks, "what made you stop the pancake ban?"

"they're for vi's birthday."

"her birthday was on tuesday i thought?"

"yeah, but we're having her party today," you explain, and then you clap your hand to your forehead. you shouldn't have said anything.

"oh then i won't keep you," san says quickly. there's something strange in his voice, but you're so far removed from him that you can't pick up on it. "i hate to call about school stuff on the weekend, but this is the only time i had..."

while san explains the reason for his call (room mom duties + he missed you, but he leaves that part out), jen and violet come in from the backyard. streamers are done, and violet is wearing a torn one around her neck like a scarf. you wave her over for a hug and a kiss, and jen mouths, "who are you talking to?" so you show your phone screen. she gasps when she sees it's san, and it's like you're watching a lightbulb spring from her head. she's got an idea.

"invite him to the party!" jen hisses, and you push her away.

"is that the birthday girl?" san asks, and there's a softness in his voice that makes you melt. "do you need to go?"

"no, just one of the birthday elves being annoying," you grumble, trying to elbow away from jen but she grabs your phone anyway and says a cheery hello to her coworker.

"hey san! happy saturday," she starts off. "listen, are you doing anything around, say, one o'clock?"

"uh, not that i can think of-"

"great! then i'll have y/n text you her address, you should come to violet's party. there's plenty of food, and we'd love to see you!" jen says with an evil smile plastered on her face.

"um, can you hand me back to y/n?" san asks, and jen relinquishes your phone then disappears.

"san, you do not have to come if you don't want to, jen is-"

"jen's what!?" jen shouts from somewhere within your house.

"i want to come," san says, and you're so surprised you almost drop the pancake you're trying to flip. "if that's ok."

"i..." you trail off, and then you look at violet. sweet, lovely violet. you would do anything for that girl, but you know she deserves more. she deserves both parents, and the little part of you that's been wondering if san's reappearance was a sign is the part that wins you over. you say, "yeah, come to the party. i want you here."

"then i'm there," san says, and you can hear his smile. "should i bring a present?"

"no, god, don't worry about that. girl's spoiled already, she doesn't need another toy," you tell him, and san laughs.

"alright. then text me the address, and i'll see you soon i guess."

"yeah, see you soon," you mumble as you hang up and look around for jen. she's rightfully hiding somewhere, but violet's voice distracts you as she asks who you were talking to. "well sugar, i have an extra birthday surprise for you," you say as you plate her pancakes. "mr. choi might be coming to your party, is that ok?"

"mr. choi?!" violet shrieks as she stands in her chair. you remind her not to do that and she listens, but she looks at you and asks, "for seriously? he's my favorite teacher."

"hey," jen whines as she rejoins you, throwing away the remnants of wrapping paper in her hands. "and to think i got you the biggest coolest birthday present ever."

"really?" you and violet ask in unison, and jen nods enthusiastically at your daughter. when she joins you at the sink she whispers, "i didn't go overboard."

"yes you did," you whisper back.

"what did san want?" jen asks with that evil smile again, and you try to elbow her side but she darts away too quickly.

"i had told him about the game the kinder moms wanted our grade to do for field day, and he forgot what supplies it needed," you explain. "so he was calling about that, and the call was almost over when someone interrupted."

"y/n, listen," jen says sternly, and you both look over to violet to make sure she's distracted. jen keeps her voice down as she continues, "he likes you. don't ask me how i know, but i know. and the way you get so nervous around him, i know it sounds childish, but i think you have a crush on him-"

"jen," you say seriously. "please stop. you don't know what you're doing."

"no, y/n, you don't know what you're doing!" jen says, and you step back. "no, i don't mean it like that. i just mean, you said you were having a hard time doing this on your own. it may not be my place, but i think san could help. he'd be good for you and violet."

"you remember how san and i were friends years ago?" you ask, and jen nods, about to add to her case, but you cut her off. "we were close. really close."

"did you kiss?" jen asks excitedly and you roll your eyes.

"will you focus?" you smile anyway, and add, "we spent most of our time together, but then life stuff changed. we went in completely different directions, and it was just easier to say goodbye and go our separate ways. that was five years ago. well, six, now i guess," you correct yourself, your eyes betraying you as they flick back over to violet.

"oh my god," jen gasps. "no."

"yes."

"no way."

"yes."

"you're a liar."

"mommy's not a liar," violet chimes in, and you let out a sound somewhere between a laugh and a cry. "miss jen, that wasn't very nice."

"i'm sorry violet, you're right," jen says calmly. she looks closely at violet and then to you. "but sometimes what's right is hard to do."

"i know that," you sigh. "believe me. but we can talk about this later."

"you bet your ass we are!"

"miss jen!"

"sorry, sorry!"

you and jen do a good job of ignoring the truth bomb you set off just before guests started arriving, but knowing san will be here soon keeps you on edge all day. violet is having the time of her life, which takes a little bit of pressure off of you at least. you just have to play host to your family and friends all while keeping one eye on the door for san.

he arrives just past one. you heard the doorbell from the backyard, but as you're walking through the house you see your aunt opening the door for him. it opens to a stunning version of the man you've tried so hard to hide from, and just looking at him makes you blush. he's dressed casually, but nicer than the work out clothes you see him in at the school. jeans and a sweater, and glasses. san never wore glasses in school, and you're wondering why this news is making your stomach flip. when san finds you, his face lights up. he makes his way around a group of kids and pulls you into a polite hug, mumbling his greeting into your hair. you wish time would stop for a moment, let you stay in his hold a second longer. but he's pulling away and shyly presenting a gift bag, his sheepish eyes saying "sorry but not sorry."

"i told you not to bring anything," you scoff, taking the gift over to the present table anyway.

"it's something small, but i think she'll like it," san says, and you thank him. it's awkward for a second as you both search for something to say, but in the quiet san reaches to push his glasses further up his nose and you smile.

"so you getting old, choi?" you tease him, pointing to the glasses. "how long have you needed those for?"

"just a couple years," san shrugs. "i don't mind them, but it's easier to wear contacts at work. i actually like the way they look."

"they're cute," you agree, and you feel your heart thudding in your chest as san processes the compliment. he looks around your house then, and he distractedly puts an arm around you in another hug as he says, "your house is great, by the way. you've really made a life for yourself, y/n." he looks at you while he says the next part, "i hope you're proud of yourself."

"i am," you nod, suddenly very aware of how many people are here and possibly looking at you two. you feign a cough and san gets the hint. he pulls away and you immediately feel cold, but you catch a glimpse of jen eyeing you in the corner of the room. you shake off whatever was distracting you because of the man at your side, and you're about to excuse yourself to find violet when the woman in question appears below you.

"mr. choi!!!" she shouts as she jumps in place. "you're here!"

"i am!" he replies, holding hands and jumping with violet. "are you having fun?"

"yeah! cmere, i wanna show you my swings!" she says excitedly, and then san is being dragged outside. you follow at a safe distance, wanting to see how they interact without making it too obvious you're watching san and not your kid. some of the school kids present recognize a big kid in san and soon he's got a whole herd following him around. you laugh seeing him be so silly, so freely himself with these kids, and you wonder if this is what he's like as a teacher. then you find your mind wandering to what san would be like as a dad. you know he'd be great, so what are you doing?

you know you have to tell him. you see the way violet is smiling and laughing, and you can't keep this kind of joy from her anymore. you don't know when, and you don't know how, but you will tell san that he's the father of your daughter.

violet's birthday party was perfect. she had an amazing time, her friends had an amazing time, and you had an amazing time. with san. he fit back into your life perfectly, and as you were saying your goodbyes at the end of the night, you had the intense desire to kiss him. you didn't, but that's only because jen came over with a sleepy violet that she thrust into your arms. you and san were cooing over the tired party girl and jen inconspicuously snapped a picture of the three of you. you and san, looking down at violet with so much love in your eyes, and violet smiling her biggest smile. jen texted it to you later and you were grateful to have this moment captured forever.

you were staring at that photo now, waiting for violet to finish getting ready for school. you weren't really paying attention to the time, caught up in admiring san. you felt a sense of calm and safety when you thought of him, looked at him, and you're kicking yourself for keeping that same feeling from violet's life. you were so distracted by your thoughts that you didn't hear violet walk up, so you almost jumped out of your skin when she says, "whatcha doooin?" directly into your ear.

"oh baby you scared me," you gasp. she giggles and points to your phone.

"you were staring at mr. choi!"

"i was not," you roll your eyes, but she nods and goes, "yeah huh."

"i'm not getting into a yeah huh nuh uh fight with you right now," you say as you ruffle her hair. "you ready for school?" it's then that you give her a once over and screw your face up in confusion. "where's that shirt from? i don't remember buying you that."

"it was my gift from mr. choi, 'member?" violet says proudly as she shows it off.

"yeah, yeah, i guess i do," you reply. "you wanted to wear it to school?"

"so i can tell him thank you," she says simply, and you place a soft kiss on her forehead. your sweet girl.

"i'm sure he'll be happy to see it. c'mon, let's go."

san had an awful morning. none of the classes would listen to him, half of his equipment for this unit was broken or missing, and apparently he was getting evaluated this afternoon. nothing was wrong, it was just protocol, but why did he find out about it two hours before it was supposed to happen? he was stressed, unprepared, and wearing a t shirt that apparently has a hole in the armpit. one of the unruly classes so kindly pointed that out for him. so yeah, it's been a bad day. that's why he sat down at lunch with a huff, interrupting whatever jen and wooyoung had been talking about prior to his dramatic entrance.

"what's wrong with you?" wooyoung asks bluntly, and san scoffs.

"one of those days where i'm considering child abandonment."

"san!" jen gasps.

"i'm joking, chill out," he sighs. "i just. can today be over? i'd like it to be over. or can i get a redo? that might be better, considering i have an eval today i know i'm not gonna pass."

"if you go into it like that then duh you're gonna do bad," jen says. "but it hasn't even happened yet, so why be so negative?"

"whatever," san huffs again, poking at his food like it's the root of his bad day. "how has your day been."

"great, my kids are angels and i love my job," wooyoung jokes, so san kicks him under the table.

"your class was the first one to put me in a bad mood this morning."

"yeah, because i told them i accidentally killed our class pet."

"wooyoung!" jen gasps again.

"accidentally!"

"how'd you manage that?" san asks with the beginnings of a smile on his face. not that he was laughing over the death of a very tiny pet, no. but he did enjoy seeing wooyoung making mistakes. makes the world go round, he thinks.

"i forgot to take it home for the weekend and i came in this morning to bob the beta fish belly up," wooyoung explains. he raises his carton of strawberry milk in a toast, which san and jen play along with. "he didn't live long, i didn't like him, and the kids barely knew he was there. bob, may you rest in peace."

"this isn't making me feel better," san whines as they clink their drinks together.

"oh!" jen says happily, "i have something!" she shuffles around looking for her phone, and excitedly pulls something up for san to see. she shoves the screen so close to his face he can barely see anything, so he takes her phone and blinks to let his eyes adjust. he smiles immediately when he realizes it's the picture of him, you, and violet. he's so mesmerized by your beauty, all these years later, that it takes him a minute to shift his focus to the equally beautiful violet squeezed between you. she's perfect, san thinks. if he had a kid, he'd want her to be just like violet: kind, funny, full of energy and life.

"who is that?" wooyoung asks, pushing his face close to san's to catch a glimpse. "ooo, is that your milf?"

it's jen's turn to kick him underneath the table, but san must admit, that was a little funny. he doesn't answer right away, though. something about the picture has caught his attention.

"no," jen says sternly since san has gone mute. "that's my friend y/n and her kid violet, we've talked about them before. san came to her birthday party this weekend."

"the milf?!"

"no!" jen repeats. "violet. i helped y/n with the party, and since she and san go way back, i kinda invited san without her knowing."

"nice," wooyoung nods. "good. get him into the house, and then into her heart. maybe the pants too-"

"dude," san finally cuts in. "what's wrong with you?"

"you two are boring me," he sighs. "sue me if i wanted to have a little fun with our conversation."

"you took this?" san asks jen, ignoring wooyoung now. she says yes, so he asks, "can i send it to myself? do you think y/n would mind?"

"no, i think that's fine," jen replies with a smile. "go ahead."

"thanks," san mumbles, typing his number in quickly to send the photo. he doesn't want to seem weird, sitting here staring at it, but there's still something he can't quite put his finger on. something familiar about it. not quite deja vu, but like he's seen this before. he hands jen's phone back to her, and she continues some inane argument with wooyoung as san checks his phone. huh, he thinks, taking one last look at the photo as he saves it to his library. violet sure has a nice smile.

san's day does not get better. the evaluation was mediocre at best, but the assistant principal doing the visit pulled him aside and promised better equipment in the new year. at least one good thing came out of this awful day.

well, two good things. san keeps opening his phone just to stare at that picture of himself with you and violet. his desire to patch things up with you only continues to grow, and he's been thinking about you so much that he swears he hears your voice calling his name at the end of the day. then a squeakier, tinier voice joins in, and san realizes, oh shit, you and violet are in his office.

"hey, sorry," he shakes his head to clear his thoughts. "god, sorry. how long were you standing there?"

"not long," you assure him. "i hope we're not bothering you?"

"not at all," he says as he stands. violet runs up to him then, turning from side to side with her hands clasped in front of her. san laughs, looking from her to you as he asks, "what's going on?"

"vi had a surprise for you, and she forgot she didn't have pe today so she got into the car crying because you didn't get to see it," you explain. "we turned around as soon as i got the story, and now we're here. do you recognize her shirt at all?"

"oh my god!" san smiles, violet joining in. san bends down to pick her up and swings her around to the sound of giggles. "you're wearing my present! do you like it?"

"i do!" she chirps, hiccuping a little as the giggles continue. san slows and carefully places her back down as she says, "thank you for coming to my party."

"thank you for inviting me," san replies, and you realize he's talking to you. you consider telling him now, you can feel his gaze pulling the words right out of you, but you chicken out.

"thank jen," you remind him. "she's the one who ambushed me."

"ambush?" san laughs nervously. "i hope me coming over wasn't an ambush."

"i shouldn't have said that," you shake your head. "i just." you take a deep breath. "it's been hard, you know, seeing you again. getting used to you being back in my life."

"happy to be here," san says coolly, and you pick up on the undertones. you knew he must have been upset with you, only wanting him when you couldn't have him. he'd given you so many chances to be his, but you grasped the last one. san was mad at himself first, and he's not mad at you per se, but the memory of that still hurts. he could have been in your life, violet's life, this whole time. it was you who kept the door bolted shut. now it's like there's little cracks filtering in bits of sunlight, and you're basking in them. you're just afraid that the warmth you feel from san now will burn you someday, that your past will be too hard to get over, and you can't tell him about violet until you know how he really feels.

"listen, we should go, but i want to hang out with you soon," you tell him, and san looks at you confused. "we need to catch up, don't you think?"

"sure," san agrees. "let me know where to be and when, i'll make it work."

that friday night, you have a babysitter (jen) and plans to meet san for dinner. jen is already here, you can hear her and violet whispering about something in the living room as you finish getting ready. this is not a date, but you're so nervous it might as well be. you could end up telling san tonight, if things go right. and if they go wrong...that's what's making you so nervous. the anxious side of you is already thinking of schools you can move violet to if the night goes bad, and the optimist is thinking about san finally being a dad to violet.

it's like he knew you were thinking about him, because his caller id lights up your phone (yes, his contact photo is that picture).

"you're cancelling," you say as soon as you pick up.

"what? no, freak," san chuckles. "i'm outside, but i'm sorry, i can't remember if your house has the red door or the blue one."

"you're what?" you ask, walking from your room to the front door. jen and violet watch on in curiosity, and you let out a sound of disbelief when you open the door to see san, standing by his car, looking from your house to the one next door.

"oh. found it," he teases, hanging up as he comes to the door. "you're not ready yet?"

"no, because i thought we were meeting there, i had more time," you say as you check your phone and notice you actually did not have time. "ok, i thought i had more time, but still. you didn't say you were picking me up."

"surprise?" san says sheepishly, peeking inside to wave to the girls.

"hi mr. choi!" they respond in unison, and san chuckles again.

"um, well, i wasn't expecting- i still have to-" you stammer out, basically turning in circles before staring back up at san. "give me two minutes."

"two? it'll be more like ten," san calls after you. you sort of sprint back to your room, checking that you look put together. your eyes look nervous, though. you hope san can't pick up on that. you grab your favorite necklace, one that violet picked out for you recently, and hold onto the heart pendant as you take a deep breath. you can do this. it's just san, your old pal! your friend! the father of your daughter who has no idea his life could have been completely different or that it's going to change with the information you're about to give him! great! let's go eat some tacos!

you and san both give violet hugs goodbye (she insisted) and jen says goodbye with a wiggle of her eyebrows. she thinks this is a date, and she spent an appropriate amount of time hyping you up tonight. she's known san more recently, so she gave you good insight on the whole telling him situation. she assured you that, while he may be frustrated by you not telling him sooner, under it all he'll be happy. he's wanted a family of his own since he started working at the school, so she's sure he'll be nothing but thrilled once the initial shock wears off. boy do you hope she's right.

san is being such a gentleman. first picking you up, then rushing out of the car to open your door for you, pulling your chair out at the restaurant...it's making this feel like a date. it's also making you scared that you're going to chicken out, but you can't.

"so," san says with a :] smile. "what did you want to talk about?" you take a moment to mess with the chips and salsa in front of you before you respond. you're taking so long that san takes a deep breath and starts, "i hope you know i'm not mad at you."

"what?" you ask in a small voice, chip halfway to your mouth.

"i'm not mad at you," san goes on. "i never was. i hope you know that."

"but i was a dick," you tell him, and he lowers his head with a laugh. you want him to listen to you though, so you grab his hand laid out on the table and squeeze. "no, seriously, that was such an asshole move on my part. only letting down my walls and letting you in the night before we both moved away? i've never forgiven myself for that."

"but you should," san shrugs. "i understand. i'm glad it happened. if i had to choose, i'd rather it happen the exact same way than not happen at all."

"right," and now it's your turn to look down. you let go of san's hand and go back to messing with the food in front of you. "i'm still sorry for how i acted."

"it's ok, i promise," san assures you. you aren't looking at him so he clears his throat and says, "actually, while we're talking about...back then. i have something to tell you too." oh no, you think. you nod to encourage him to continue, not sure you can speak right now. "um, well, here goes. i know it's been years, and we've barely talked since school, but..i don't know, y/n. i still think you're the one for me, and i was just wondering, maybe, since we're both in the same town again, and we see each other so often..."

"what, san?" you whisper, afraid of what he's going to say.

"will you go out with me?" he asks. "finally?"

"san," you sigh, and he shakes his head.

"no, don't say no yet. you can think about it. i know you have a lot more to consider than i do, so i don't mind waiting. but i wanted to put it out there. in case, uh, in case you were interested."

"put it out there? why are you talking about this like a couch you're trying to get rid of?" you tease him to ease the tension. "you just asked me out and now you sound like you're not sure."

"i'm sure," san says firmly. "very sure. but i don't want you to feel pressured."

"you've never made me feel anything but loved, san," you let slip, and you want to etch the look on his face into your memory forever. he looks so pleased, so purely happy at your words. they're hanging in the air as the waiter comes by to take your order, and that provides enough of a distraction that you both go back to a semblance of normalcy when he leaves. you fall into an easy conversation, catching up over your lost years. san tells you all about work, his family, his friends. it makes you happy that you chose this town, this school, to raise your kid in.

you fill san in too, but only the highlights. you don't want to ruin your dinner with the news, so you tell him about your career since he knows the least about that. he can't stop telling you how proud he is, and reiterates how amazing you are for raising a kid on top of it. you've got a steady blush on your cheeks as you keep chatting, and you notice then that the meal is over. your plates have been cleared for a while, and san paid without you knowing. how'd he do that?

"i was going to pay for my food," you protest.

"nope, my treat," san says. "let someone else take care of you for once."

"well thanks," you squeak out. "i've got you next time though."

"if there's a next time, i'm still paying," san replies so you roll your eyes and drop it for now. "um, before we go though, i was wondering...can i ask about violet? i feel like you barely mentioned her."

"oh, sorry," you laugh it off. "i don't get a chance to talk about myself a lot, so i'm not saying i forgot to mention vi, i just..."

"i get it," san nods in understanding. "you wanted to brag about yourself for a minute, that's ok. i'm glad you did."

"good," you smile shyly. "but, yeah, violet. what about her?"

"i wanna hear as much as you're willing to tell me," san says, and looking into your eyes, you know he means the father. "was there some great love of your life you don't want to tell me about?"

"san, it's not like that," you tell him, then think to yourself that in a way it is true. you think san is the love of your life, but you can't say that yet. "right, well, i have something to tell you, actually," you say in a voice stronger than you expected. you thought you'd be nervous, but it's like some mom power kicks in and you're able to stare directly into san's strong, gorgeous eyes as you speak. "can i?" you motion to his hands, and he holds them out so you can place your smaller ones in his. still looking into the eyes you've grown to love, you take a deep breath and say, "i'm sorry i didn't tell you sooner. but san, you're violet's dad. she's your daughter."

"what?" he asks in a shaky voice.

"when we.." you try to explain, and have to start over, "that night. five years ago-"

"six," san corrects.

"six, you're right. that night was when she...yeah. i found out about violet a month later, after i had moved. i tried calling you. i did, i swear, and i know that sounds so childish but it's the truth. i tried calling you, tried figuring out how to tell you...but i heard how happy you were, how easy it was for you to settle into your life back at home. i didn't want to throw something unexpected at you and change all of that."

you rambled, and you're not sure how easy that was to follow. or how believable it was either, but you've said it. you're watching san take it in, and he's unnervingly calm. you can't read his face at all, but you realize you've been squeezing his hands and he's squeezing yours right back. you relax your grip then, but he doesn't. he stays quiet.

"san, say something."

"th-thank you," he stutters, finally slipping his hands out of yours. "thanks for protecting me from that, i guess."

"san, i-"

"no, y/n, it's fine," he shakes his head and stands. "come on, let's go. it's getting late."

the car ride is silent. san says nothing, but you can feel the emotions radiating from him. or maybe those are your own? fear, resentment, sadness...you always thought telling san the truth would make everything better. make you feel at peace at last. but currently you feel more ill at ease than you ever have. you want to crawl out of your skin, you want to scream at yourself, at san, just to get some kind of reaction out of him.

when he pulls into your driveway, he puts the car in park but doesn't unlock the door. you can tell he wants to say something, so you wait. you think you see jen peeking through the blinds, but you're not sure. a quick glance at the clock tells you violet's been in bed for a while, but knowing jen she probably let her stay up a little longer. you hope she's still awake when you go in, you could really use a hug from her right now.

"y/n," san calls your name softly. you turn your body completely so he can see you fully, and you see he's gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles are white. "does she know?"

"huh?"

"violet," san says her name so carefully, so purposefully. like it's taken on a new meaning. "does violet now i'm her dad?"

"n-no," you stutter, and san slumps his head down. "but i told her about you. about her dad."

"she looks just like me," he says, and that's when you notice the sadness in his voice. he sounds broken, and it feels like your heart rips itself to shreds.

"san, i am so sor-"

"don't. just don't." you watch him carefully, and you think you see tears. "i can't..."

"can't what?" you want to reach out and touch him, to brush the tears away, but you hesitate.

"i can't believe you kept this from me," he says in a whisper so small you barely heard it.

"i was young and stupid and scared, san," you defend yourself. "i didn't know what i was doing, i should have tried harder to get in touch but-"

"i didn't get to be there y/n," he spits out, and you stop talking as he turns to you. "i missed her birth, her first steps, her first words. i wasn't in her life! she's my kid and you kept her from me for some of the most important years of her life."

"i know, and i'm..i'm sorry."

"sorry doesn't cut it." he's full on crying now. "i thought...i thought you cared about me. about what we meant to each other. how could you do this?"

"i was wrong to keep you away," you admit. "it ate me alive every day, but the longer i waited the harder it was to call you. and this is totally self inflicted but raising a kid on my own was hard! after i made that choice i barely had time to think about anything else!" you're shouting now, not out of anger, but frustration. "it was selfish, and i'm sorry. but i told you. you've always been part of violet's life. i tell her about her dad all the time. she asks about you, and i've never lied to her. i only kept your name, who you are to me, a secret."

"yeah that makes me feel so much better," san rolls his eyes, and you scoff before reaching over him to unlock the doors. as soon as you do, you're out of the car and rushing to your front door, san running behind you calling your name.

you get into the house and see jen moving around in the kitchen, but no signs of violet. san has stopped behind you, standing awkwardly at the threshold, so you grab his shirt and pull him along with you into violet's room. at the sound of the door opening she bolts up in bed. she looks confused, seeing two figures in her doorway, but when she recognizes you she makes little grabby hands for you to join her. again, san stays at the door, watching the two of you with a new perspective.

"cmere sugar," you whisper softly, sitting on violet's bed. you maneuver her so she's sitting on your lap.

"why is mr. choi here?" she asks, and you hear san take in a breath.

"his name is san, violet. and he's very important to me," you explain. violet is facing san as you ask, "can you tell us all you know about your daddy?" she nods, and then begins.

"mommy says he's very nice, the nicest man in the world!" violet starts out. "she says he's smart and strong and funny and handsome. she says i have his smile!" and with this she smiles, teeth and all, and san sees himself in her. it brings tears to his eyes, but she keeps going. "mommy says he's caring, and i had to ask what that meant. she says being caring means you're a good friend and you're nice to everybody. that reminds me of you, mr. san!"

"anything else baby?" you ask violet, stroking her hair. "what else do we say about daddy?"

"we love him very much," violet answers proudly. "and even if he's not with us, like in the same house or something, he's always right here!" and with that she puts her hand over her heart. she looks up at you then, asking, "did i miss anything mommy?"

"nope, you got it all sugar," and you kiss the top of her head, afraid to meet san's eyes. "thank you, violet. are you ready to go back to bed now?"

"yeah, but i want a bedtime story," she pouts, and you wonder if san notices how similar they look then too. "babysitter jen does too many funny voices, and one of them scared me."

"ok, i'll read you a story," you whisper, slowly and carefully dumping her back into bed as you stand. "but i need to talk to san really quick, is that ok?"

"uh huh," violet nods with a yawn, cuddling back up to her favorite stuffie. as san looks around her room, he notices a pillow he used to have, tucked in the corner of violet's bed. he used to call it shiber, it was something silly, but he loved that thing in college. it went missing the week before school ended, and san always wondered where it went. well, now he knows.

you carefully pull violet's door shut as the two of you back out into the hallway. the rest of the house is quiet, so you wonder briefly if jen has gone home. you look to san, ready to defend yourself further, get him to understand where you're coming from, but then you see the tears on his cheeks. now you do reach up and wipe them away, his hands covering yours and squeezing tightly.

"i am so sorry for keeping you away," you say one last time. "it was wrong. it will take time, but i will do everything i can to make that up to you."

"you can do it right now," san breathes out, the first easy breath he's taken since this conversation started. "let me be in her life. in yours. i missed so much, i can't miss anymore of it."

"we're here if you want us," you tell him, and san squeezes your hands again before pulling them from his face. he drapes your arms over his shoulders, his drifting to your waist.

"i do," he nods eagerly. "i want you." and with that, he kisses you. it's not a soft kiss, no. there's more force behind it than that. there's six years (maybe more) of repressed feelings in that kiss. it's the kind of kiss that makes you want to pop your foot up, the kind that sends butterflies soaring up from your stomach through your chest. you're so lost in the feeling that you don't hear violet's door open, and then...

"oh! mommy! mr. san is biting you!" violet shrieks, so you and san finally detach. you keep your foreheads together as you look down at violet staring disapprovingly at you.

"he's not biting me, we were kissing," you explain to her, but she doesn't like that answer.

"hey, i got in trouble for kissing a boy on the playground," she whines, and san looks at you in shock. you nod to confirm as you tell her, "that's because you shouldn't kiss at school. and you're too young. you can kiss when you're-"

"thirty," san finishes for you, making you both laugh as violet whines more.

"i was just gonna say when she's older," you whisper to him, and he shrugs.

"had to assert my parenting style somehow."

"why are you and mr. san whispering?" violet asks with a jump and her arms in the air. you're about to pick her up when san bends down and scoops her instead, so you can talk to her eye level.

"we're talking about you," you say as you boop her nose. "and stop calling him mr. san."

"what do i call him then?" she pouts, and you share your first silent parent language stare with san.

"actually baby, we have something we need to tell you..."

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jennifer-jeong · 6 days

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[Fluff + Slight Angst] [Gojo Satoru x Reader] Kikufuku

GUESS WHO'S BACK FROM ROTTING DURING EXAMSSSSSS TAKE THIS DRAFT I FINISHED WHILE I WORK ON MY REQUESTS HEHEHEHEHEHE I WILL BE POSTING ALL MY STUFF SLOWLY MEHEEHEHHE

CONTENT

Going to get food everyday with Gojo bc he loves trying new places and he used to do it sm with geto and shoko ): Mostly fluff, some angst, gender neutral reader, implied crush, lots of mentions of food, ALL CHARACTERS ARE 18+

AUTHOUR NOTES

Note that I can’t remember where I got this idea from (it's been sitting in a document for months and I only just got around to it) but I might've read it from somewhere (maybe a tiktok?) so I’m sorry if I've stolen someone's idea, please lmk so I can give credit if this is the case!

Word Count: 477

Satoru is your typical happy go lucky guy on the outside. He’s always walking around as if there’s not a single thought running through his mind. He’ll buy his favorite mochi while all the passersby swoon at his handsome self. You met the man not more than a few months ago when you joined Jujutsu High as a fellow staff member and you’ve gotten quite close. He’d always ask you if you wanted to get food after work and most of the time you'd say yes. But, for the first few weeks, sometimes you’d be busy or not feeling up to going out to dinner with your co-worker you just met. That quickly changed though.

Satoru gets quite lonely when you aren’t there with him and you've noticed after getting to know him. He's not anything he shows on the outside. He’s alone. He’s suffering. But he’s still so sweet. A month or 2 after meeting him, you’ve made it a mission to always get food with him even if you’re busy. If it’s not in person, you’re at the very least video or audio calling him so he can show you the food and talk to you while you both eat. Gojo loves trying new places because it feels refreshing. It makes him feel young again and you support it because you know his youth was robbed from him. You know that he used to get food everyday with Suguru and Shoko because he told you about it. You know he misses them by the way he talks about it and he knows you know. But, ignorance is bliss right? You're both just trying to live ignorantly happily while simultaneously healing from your respective pasts. What else could you really do?

Yesterday was takoyaki and Thai milk tea for dessert. Today was coconut curry and ice cream filled taiyaki. Tomorrow, Satoru is thinking Beijing style duck or maybe K-BBQ? Carbonara? Peri Peri Chicken? Enchiladas? Shawarma??? You always laugh when he goes on a tangent of what he wants to eat and try with you. You tease him by adding more options to the list and he clenches his fists dramatically and squeezes his eyes shut under his blindfold while whining that he can’t pick and that there’s too much good food. You occasionally have to reassure him that you have time and that you’re not going anywhere. You never fail to notice the blush on his ears when you soothe him like that and he never fails to see your fidgety hands as you say the gentle words to him. He feels so lucky to have your company and you can confidently say the same, in your thoughts of course. You wouldn’t tell him that out loud and he also finds himself too scared to try. At least, not yet. Maybe one day, over some kikufuku.

Thank you for reading!

|| MASTERLIST<3 ||

#jjk x reader #reader x jjk #jujutsu kaisen x reader #gojo x reader #reader x gojo #gojo satoru x reader #satoru gojo x reader #gojo fluff #gojo satoru fluff #satoru gojo fluff #gojo comfort #j's silly ramblings

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allastoredeer · 3 months

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I read the new chapter of Holy Suffering as soon as it came out and I love the way u write Lucifer. For the past few days I have been reading Radio apple fanfic and I hate how lucifer is portrayed in most of them, shy , innocent with Alastor after the fight, and kinda out of character for the both of them, cause they suddenly like each other, and I don’t see it in them. They like to piss each other off, that’s the whole ship point.

Ur Lucifer is so sassy, Hits all the Good Characterization checks in my brain, he’s such a delight to read, same for Alastor. U had me going speechless most of the time Alastor spoke, cause I honestly didn’t know what he was gonna say next. Writing Alastor it’s probably hard, cause he is misterious and always hides his emotions but You totally nailed it. Right now he is probably angry at Lucifer cause he ratted him out lol

Al be like the audacity of this man after he forced him to do this.🙄

Anywhizzle I just wanted to ask, for the overload meeting, is Charlie gonna send Lucifer with Alastor? Maybe as a snake or something, to make sure is he okay. Cause she really sounded mortified that she didn’t notice that Alastor was suffering and man Al definitely didn’t like that, but it’s not like he can say no to Charlie so

A nd is there like a schedule for next updates? I am really invested in this story and I honestly can’t wait to read more of it.

Thank you ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ Hahah Lucifer's got bite to him, for sure. He doesn't come off as the shy type to me. Awkward as hell, certainly. In the throes of depression, absolutely. And he cares about Charlie's opinion of him to a fault. But when it comes to someone throwing their weight around--or, more accurately, getting involved with Charlie (cough Alastor helping Charlie with the hotel, couch Adam fighting/hurting Charlie cough) he isn't afraid of getting his hands dirty.

Alastor is hard to write ಥ_ಥ I love him so much, but sometimes, I want to cut open his head and properly study his brain because f;knslnjsbj out of all the characters, he's the hardest for me to pin down, in terms of both dialogue and actions. He has such a way of talking, and such a distinct voice (his radio filter) that it's simultaneously easy to imagine his voice, but hard to put it to dialogue. So, I really appreciate hearing that I nailed it (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`) Seriously, it's so appreciated to hear.

Nah, Alastor is going to be going to that one alone :3 It's going to be set in his POV, so we'll get some insight in his thoughts on the whole thing, and how he's handling his current affliction. I'm both excited to and nervous to get into it, because writing him in someone else's POV is hard, so writing him in his OWN POV is a little intimidating, but I'm mostly excited. I have a lot of thoughts for this series, and it's gonna be fun to explore them.

As for a schedule, I used to try to keep myself to one, and I've found that I have both a love/hate relationship with it. One the one hand, keeping a writing schedule is nice because it gives me a clear view of what I want to work on and an goal date to get it done, which is very nice for my ADHD brain.

BUT, on the other hand, when I start putting that pressure on myself to get it down, and I fail to actually reach that goal, it hits me pretty hard and it can take away my motivation and joy in writing the fic. It starts to feel more like a chore than a fun hobby I can do in my downtime.

Thankfully, I am DEEP in Hazbin Hotel hyperfixation, and the amazing feedback I've gotten from my fic's is certainly fueling my motivation. So thanks to everyone leaving kudos and comments! It's seriously so helpful and I cherish ever single one of them.

If I had to give an estimate for when the next installment of the series will drop, I'd say either at the end of this week, or the beginning/middle of next week. I have an unrelated AppleRadio one-shot I want to bust out before I work on the next installment, and that one I'm going to try and post by Thursday or Friday.

To quote out favorite Radio Demon,

~Stay Tuned

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radiant-reid · 1 year

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idk if it’s been done but a blurb where reader bets spencer that she can make him cum before he finishes the crossword

oh damn i love this idea

The idea creeps into your head after Spencer times Alex doing the morning crossword and humbly brags that he did it quicker that morning.

She turns to you and complains about your husband lightheartedly. "He never loses."

So, set on helping her, the next Monday, when you find Spencer sitting in the living room preparing himself to battle the words, you set your plan into action. Walking over and gently touching his thigh, he looks up at you with a smile.

"Wanna time me?" He offers out the stopwatch. He's got his glasses on, not yet switched to contacts.

You shake your head, fingers trailing up his thigh to where he's already stirring in your pants. "I kind of wanted to do something else."

His eyebrows raise in surprise, but he's not about to decline your offer to make it a very good morning. "Uh, yeah, okay, sure."

You take the crossword and stopwatch from him. "No, you're going to be on the clock, and I'm going to make you cum before you finish."

He scoffs, unbuttoning and unzipping his pants to get his cock out while you get on your knees. "Good luck."

You don't start the timer right away, not letting him see the puzzle until he's fully hard. Teasing him is always an easy way to get him to cum quicker. "Go." You say, tongue brushing over the tip as you hand over the paper and start the timer.

He takes it with shakier hands than usual, quickly reading through the clues before he starts writing. He's off to a good start while you teasingly only suck the tip of his cock, but taking him down your throat completely has him tensing and a little groan slipping past his lips.

Hollowing out your cheeks with your tongue flat and bobbing your head up and down has him struggling to think. He knows he's much slower than usual and knows the words, but he can't seem to think of them. His pattern recognition strategy also isn't working. The little moans he's trying to conceal motivate you.

Unfortunately, he can't just block you out by closing his eyes, so he takes a deep breath in and concentrates.

He gets a couple more words in and gets closer to his usual average time once he gets accustomed to your strategy, so you switch it up, letting him hit the back of your throat and making you gag each time.

"Fuck." He moans, almost ready to forfeit, but he's a little more determined than that. However, you are too. It's very hard, he finds, to not let his glasses fog up while he breathes hard.

You're unrelenting, not giving him a moment to focus on the words in your diligent efforts to make him cum. It's game over, not even seven minutes in, when you simultaneously, cup his balls, make eye contact with him, and swipe your tongue over the very sensitive tip.

He spills into your mouth with a louder moan, throwing his head back, and completely forgetting about the crossword.

You pull off him, swallowing before smugly grinning at him. "Hurry up, Spence. You don't want your average time for the week to start so high."

Dazed, he picks up the paper again, filling in the last few words now that you've relieved the pressure, allowing blood to flow to his brain rather than it all being forced to his cock.

"Done." He declares, and you look at the stopwatch.

"Damn, seven minutes and thirty-two seconds." You announce, proud of yourself.

There's no doubt Alex will win this morning. It's the longest time you've seen him get in months.

You stand up, leaning over to kiss him. "I hate you." He mumbles against your lips with a blissful smile.

"Too bad." You reply. "You're stuck with me. Now put your pants on so we can go. I've got to brush my teeth again."

Alex is prepared for her turn to do the crossword when you get into the BAU. Spencer reads out the clues, and you time her while grinning at him.

"Four minutes and fifty-one seconds." You announce, loud enough you get the attention of everyone on the team but Hotch as they walk past. "I think we have a winner."

Alex looks surprised. "How long did it take you?" She asks.

Spencer glares at you, and you know he's about to lie to her, so you jump in. "Seven, thirty-two."

"No way." She shakes her head in disbelief. "That was an easy one."

"I got stuck on seven down," Spencer claims when he really just got stuck on you going down on him.

Morgan takes the crossword from her, reading out the clue. "Sexually attractive, six letters." He repeats, making everyone laugh while Spencer blushes.

You laugh too, hitting him on the shoulder as you sit next to him on top of his desk. "Idiot." You whisper affectionately. He could have at least picked a different clue, not one with nubile as an answer.

"Y/n didn't fit." He says uncharacteristically boldly, causing an even louder uproar of surprised gasps and comments.

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid fandom #spencer reid blurb #spencer reid smut #criminal minds

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wanderingaldecaldo · 2 months

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Tagged by @gloryride, @gamerkitten, @chevvy-yates, and @aggravateddurian to share something I'm working on. Thanks, chooms! Still leaning into the ADHD, so there's several things I'm working on simultaneously. Most recently it's been...

Modding

The cutoff vests are 95% done, just need a few touches before I can make them live on Nexus, so what better time to start a new modding project? 🙃 A friend mentioned wanting Vik's pants and I'm always looking for more butch clothes for Val especially ones that ride low on those hips but also the belt & tools seem like a fun project.

Unedited. Not bad for an hour's work ☺️

Both the pants and belt are simple replacers to start while I test. I have some clipping to deal with on the pants, but so far the weights look okay. 🤞

As for the belt, I lost the tools somewhere between Blender and Wkit lol. I wanted to take a go at texturing them in Substance Painter so I split them off into their own submesh. Not sure where I lost them but I'm sure they'll turn up again.

Writing

It's fitting that Durian tag me because my latest writing was incited by a scene in his fic "The President's Lady" in which Myers invites Sol and V to lunch at the White House. I'm going for a more, uh, traditional take on The Tower ending than he is, using my fave angst, combined with some good ol' longing and probably some flashback smut. I've been canoodling on this in my notebook since Durian's chapter came out, writing a bit each night before falling asleep. I started transcribing it just for this post, so here are 315 of 338 words, hot off the Google Docs.

Some backstory: The second time I played Phantom Liberty I beelined to Dogtown, and skipped meeting the Aldecaldos and doing pretty much anything past finishing the VDBs quests. Vik was the only one who called, and she decided to take Sol up on his offer of a job at Langley. Soon after she's back in DC, she gets an invite to lunch from President Myers.

“Thank you, Madam President.” “V, please. No need to be so formal. I believe we’re well past that now.” “Heh, just a few weeks ago, told you—” “Yes, V,” she cries out, breath hot against her neck— Stopping, Rosalind turns to look at her, eyebrows and lines of her forehead drawing to a point, as if finally she recognizes V for who she still is. “I suppose that really was like yesterday for you.” The lines soften and she leads V to a sofa across the room, gesturing for her to sit first, then sits close and takes her hand. Long, graceful fingers teasing her skin— V stares down at her hand in Rosalind’s, her arms blank of cyberware still a disconcerting sight, but she doesn’t pull away. “How are you feeling? I can’t imagine the news was easy to hear.” “No, wasn’t,” she says with a shake of her head. “Thought I was gonna die a merc but now....” “I’m sorry I wasn’t there to tell you myself. Solomon suggested it would lead to too many questions among the staff. He’s right of course, but I still feel I let you down.” V frowns. “Ma’am?” “You weren’t my agent for long, but that doesn’t mean you weren’t important. What you did...” Rosalind trails off, eyes dipping to her mouth before she drops her gaze to their hands on her lap. Her nails are still perfectly polished, buffed to a shine. She looks up and says, “I’ll never be able to repay you for all that you did for me.” V down looks at their linked hands then, heart pounding, she leans forward to kiss her, as if she’s just any other woman, not the most powerful in the world, and Rosalind tilts her head and parts her lips and— She swallows and shakes her head. “You did, though. Least as far as I’m concerned.”

Tagging with the usual no pressure disclaimer: @medtech-mara @breezypunk @streetkid-named-desire @peaches-n-screem @rosapexa @luvwich @merge-conflict @steelscorner @ghostoffuturespast @byberbunk2069 and YOU!

Take this as an invitation to share something you're working on and tag me! Doesn't have to be Cyberpunk, or anything fandom-related!

#cyberpunk 2077 #valerie vermilion #streetkid!val #rosalind myers #myers x v #myers x fem v #wlw ship #milfguard #aka president's merc au #wash's writing #mods i made #tag game #wip wednesday #wip whenever #thanks chooms!!#also i really had fun making that banner in ~30min lol

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isa-ghost · 1 month

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Isa my darling! Happy Birthday, albeit a couple of days early.

Seeing you screech in Philza's streams because Apollo hit you with that dodgeball yet again makes me giggle a lot.

How about since headcanon's for qPhilza's past/pre island relationship with qFit. How they got to know each other, and how quickly they became friends?

Idr if I said this on Tumblr yet but deadass I asked Apollo on my pendulum if qPhil is his blorbo and he said yes. He's been as invested in shit as me and it's been hilarious. I literally have crows yelling at me irl to keep writing rn but I'm answering headcanons first.

The entire time I've been distracted between writing these, crows have been yelling at me about it. Which. Is how Apollo communicates with me when I'm not actively talking to him through readings LMFAO.

Also thank you for the birthday wish :D [desperately hoping nothing else horrible happens this weekend please god]

Anyway qPhil headcanons masterlist let's go

Disclaimer that I didn't know of Fit before QSMP (I've only been in mcyt for 4 years monkaS) so these are gonna be largely pulled out of my ass and a lil repetitive.

These two both have experiences in anarchy and war, they've definitely brushed shoulders a couple times bc of it

They admired each other's work ofc. Phil is a macro scale kinda guy, total annihilation and victory that makes a statement. Fit's more of a micro scale kinda guy, zeroing in on one person or group individually and making their lives hell until the end in the name of surviving a little longer

On that note, I think we all sleep a little bit on the fact that Fit is Also a survivalist like Phil, just in a very different set of high stakes conditions. These two are equally skilled in it and equally sharp strategists

On that note, anyone who knew them from the past would fear the idea of them coming together to create a plan of any kind, especially of the anarchist-fueled variety. If the Federation has done their research right, they should know full well how terrifying this duo could be in an effort to dismantle their authority

Btw by brushing shoulders I don't just mean brief passings by, I mean they've like. Camped out for a night together, temporarily truced for the sake of safety in numbers, etc. More than a few conversations have been had even if the time they've spent together totals to less than a week.

However, even when they weren't actively paired together, they'd still occasionally trade or gift each other surplus resources. It was a genuine kind act, even if it simultaneously served as a reason for each of them to not come after the other. I scratch your back, you scratch mine.

Like why do you think Fit was one of the first threats on Phil's mind in Purgatory. He Knew(tm). And he knew Fit has an affinity for picking off the weak first, like a lion after a herd of antelope. To him, Purgatory was the awakening of a monster who'd been dormant for a long time.

See, present day they're QPR as fuck, they'd never do this now without 10x the pressure Purgatory put on them, but back in the day they took close notes on each other's strengths and weaknesses. Just In Case, yknow? They could very much kill each other. Back in the day they would've if it came to it, no matter how good an ally they were.

Something about how these two used to be so cold and hard to the world. Be it to self-preserve or some other reason. Something about how now they've both softened and warmed after becoming parents. They never could've imagined the other would "weaken" like this, especially back then.

Phil 🤝🏻 Fit - Phil being a historian of the deities/builds of his Hardcore World, Fit being a historian of 2B2T

A lot of this boils down to mutual respect, common interests, and secret admiration tbh. And what's more homoerotic than that?

#qsmp #qsmp philza #qsmp fitmc #qsmp fit #qsmp fitza #qsmp veterans #qphil headcanons #AMFMN things #<- bc these apply to the fic

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exilethegame · 1 year

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Writing Update (11/28/22)

Hello everyone!

Unfortunately on Friday I had the wonderful pleasure of catching the flu. On one hand, I've been stuck shivering and coughing all day. On the other hand, my fever-induced psychoses gave me wonderful material to write with in the future.

Because of that, I wasn't able to get much done this week, though I was able to get a jump on some scenes before I got sick!

This past few weeks I've managed to write 5k words making Chapter 5, pt. 2 51k words long!

As of now I'm working on Sabir + Nikke's scenes simultaneously so I can bounce back and forth between them whenever I get bored. The scenes are "simple" enough when compared to Vethna + Amilia's that it's easy for me to do and usually allows me to write a bit quicker since I won't be able to run into writer's block this way!

Ideally, I'll be able to finish both of their scenes by the midpoint of December, but we'll see. I also then need to revisit Amilia + Vethna's scenes to add in extra dialogue + flavor text based on things MC might've done if they went to speak to Sabir/Nikke first, since I find it enjoyable when all the characters acknowledge one another.

Once I get this check-in scene finished, I'll then be able to move onto chronological + companion scenes, which should be pretty smooth sailing. I put on the tumblr's actual website (it might only be visible on a computer) an estimated release for Part 2 which is Quarter 1 of next year-- so anywhere from January - March 2023. I feel confident about that window and will likely shrink it down to more specific dates the more work I get done.

That's all the main stuff! I also included some vocabulary down below for what I personally mean when I'm referring to the "check-in" scenes and such for those of you that are interested. Otherwise, that's all, and thanks for reading! :)

Chapter 5 (Part 2) Progress Scene 1: Linear Scene 2: Hobbies (Finished -- 10/10 Branches) Scene 3: Hobbies Scene 4: Check-in (50% -- 1/3 Branches) Scene 5: Chronological (75% Done) Scene 6: Chronological Scene 7: Companion Scene 8: Companion

Check-in: A check-in scene is when MC is given the choice to speak to the characters "one-on-one." MC can always choose what order to speak to the characters in, but otherwise it breaks down into two more subtypes.

A Check-in 1, which hasn't been seen in-game yet but will be in Part Two, requires MC to speak to every NPC before the scene can go forward. There may also be certain dialogue choices with each character that must be picked in order for the scene to go forward. In scenes like this, main-plot information will be included as every MC will be forced to see it regardless of their relationships or personality.

A Check-in 2 allows MC to choose who they speak to, sometimes under a condition where MC must choose a limited amount of characters to speak to. This means sometimes MC will be able to talk to everyone with ease, and other times (Like in the War Room) MC will be forced to choose who to speak to out of 2 or 3 characters. These type of check-ins will be more common, and they'll also contain information important for side-quests. They'll allow MC to built up trust/respect with characters even if MC + them don't get along, which will then get them to tell MC more about themselves... which, chances are, will open up some unique storylines in the future. The "side-quests" will open up additional scenes for MC in the future where MC can influence how they end, and the ending of these side-quests will then influence the main story (usually). They're not required-- and sometimes MC not getting involved can even be better-- but they're there!

Companion Scene: A companion scene is when a single scene can include any given character in it-- meaning in some playthroughs the scene will have Vethna in it, in others it will have Amilia. So essentially I'm rewriting the same moment of time several times over again for every companion who could be in it. The character who will be in the scene can sometimes be chosen by the player directly-- other times it will be a matter of what MC's relationships are. Sometimes a scene is limited to being with MC's romantic partner or best friend, other times a scene can be played with anyone who MC is amicable with, other times a scene can only be played with whoever MC has the lowest affinity with, etc. It's the closest in style to a classic sort of IF structure-- "You're tired and lonely, only one person comes to your mind to spend time with. That person is..." type of beat.

Hobbies Scene: A hobby scene is a scene that changes depending on what MC's hobby is set as. For example, an MC whose hobby is cooking might have a scene where they're helping make dinner for the group at night while another MC whose hobby is exploring might be sneaking out and climbing things they probably shouldn't be climbing... Sometimes these events will be done with companions as well! Not always, of course... otherwise I would have to be writing 60 variations of scenes which is... not possible <3

Chronological Scene: I just use this to reference a normal span of writing where the scene doesn't vary based on relationships but on choices. So I'm only writing variations for the choices you make as MC-- not for the stats that are behind the scenes! These types of scenes are significantly easier to write than the ones above. Even though I'm needing to write the multiple ways a scene can play out, it's not quite as repetitive as the check-in scenes are, nor do they take as long to finish as the Companion + Hobbies scenes.

Linear Scene: I don't write much of these in comparison to the others, but it's exactly what it sounds like. These tends to be scenes from other character's POV where there are no choices-- and, if there are choices (Like the Freedom removal scene in Chapter 5 pt. 1) then they don't have any actual affect on the scene and how it plays out. These are incredibly easy to write, and usually I'm able to finish them in a single sitting!

That's all for this week. Thanks for reading! :)

#writing update

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pikapeppa · 4 months

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Year-End Writer's Round-Up: 2023

It’s that time of year, writer friends — time to take stock of what we’ve been up to this year! Tagging to literally ANY AND ALL WRITERS who would like to participate, but I’ll throw down some tags from the top of my head: @contrivedchaos @jadefyre @kittynomsdeplume @iamcayc @hollyand-writes @elveny @johaerys-writes @crackinglamb @mogwaei @alyssalenko @about2dance @cthu-boo @chloefraazers @fogsblue @lordofthenerds97, join in if you fancy!! If you're not a smut writer, feel free to leave out those stats, and feel free to add any accomplishments and "metrics" that are significant to you! 🥰

(Blank template at the bottom for convenience!)

Words written (published or not, WIPs totally count too!!): 999 496 — ARGH IT WAS SO CLOSE TO A COOL MILLION. I did this calculation on the evening of Dec 31 and I was like DAMMIT I NEED TO WRITE A DRABBLE LMAO. 😂🙈 Honestly, I’m surprised the word count was so high this year — I could have sworn my word count had dropped because I wrote very little for a few weeks after BG3 first came out LMAO!

Smut scenes: 42 — I've done better LOL. I’ll blame the slow-burn BG3 ships I’m working on currently. 😂

New things I tried:

I started dabbling in M/M smut this year, in the context of my beloved Horizon F/M/M polycules (Aloy/Drakka with either Kotallo or Nil). Usually when I write F/M/M threesomes, the focus is on the men pleasing the lucky lady of the group, but I headcanon Drakka in particular as being very unapologetically bi, so it’s only fair and right that he get some sweet M/M action. I’m looking forward to putting this M/M practice use on Halsin/Tav/Astarion when my BG3 writing finally gets to that point!

This was also the first time that I wrote an AU where I gleefully yeeted the canon deaths LMAO. I’m usually a stickler for adhering to significant plot points including character deaths, but the dastardly and darling @iamcayc nudged me into writing Here Come the Dreams, where Varl and Fashav both get to live, and it was a total delight to keep those darling men alive and happy.

I wrote a smut scene in first-person POV for the first time, using the adorable voice of Karlach from BG3. This was a particularly interesting challenge because I feel that the first-person voice calls for a more urgent in-the-moment kind of narration, which means that I had to alter my usual way of writing smut in terms of phrasing/wording and pacing, so it was a fun challenge!

With Astarion/Tav/Halsin, this is my first time writing an OC who falls in love simultaneously with two people, and it’s been… interesting trying to negotiate the polycule coming together. Of course I had to get enamoured with (arguably) the two most emotionally complicated male LIs in BG3 and make my own life difficult, LMAO. I’ve been struggling a little with bringing the relationships together and it’s been slowing my writing down over the past month or two, but I’m trucking on because I love both Halsin and Astarion and I really do believe in the dynamics of the OT3. SILVANUS GUIDE MY HAND AS I FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT.

Fic I spent the most time on:

Even The Hardiest Desert Blooms! I really sank my focus into my beloved Desert boy this year and wrapped up his fic, which is always a bittersweet feeling when you adore the pairing. 😭

Fic I spent the least time on:

Burning Blue (Karlach/Dammon). I was bitten by a sudden bug of adoration for them, and that piece basically came together in a day and a half because I was on fire to get it out. I LOVE THIS PAIRING SO MUCH. 😭🔥

Favourite thing I wrote:

Even The Hardiest Desert Blooms has always been my self-indulgent pleasure because I just love Drakka to the moon and back, so focusing a lot of this year on his fic was a treat. But Here Come the Dreams was also an enormously fun project because I just went ham and hyperfocused on it for a month and a half. I really wanted to see if I could finish it in a month just for shits and giggles, but AS ALWAYS it ended up being longer than anticipated so I didn’t meet that goal, but it was still a total ball to come up with a fun little project and finish it as quickly as possible.

Favourite thing I read:

Hands-down, without a doubt, What’s A Sex Tape Between Friends? by @auntie-coagulant. I don’t read much fanfic, and when I do, it's only for the ships that I don't write. So when I saw this fic recommended in the Kotallo server and I was like “Travis/Lis?? You have my attention.” My eyes were popping and I was HOWLING by the first chapter, and I’ve been dead in the water for this fic ever since and procrastinating on finishing the fic because MY EMOTIONS ARE NOT READY FOR THE HEARTBREAK.

Writing goals for next year:

Finish Coming In Like A Western Wind. I’ve been sleeping on this fic since September because Astarion and Halsin turned my head and I feel really bad about it… but I do mean to finish it!

Just keep on keeping on with my BG3 fics for Astarion and Halsin! I’ve been DYING to write smut for Halsin for months, and I have images living rent-free in my head of Astarion enjoying some very tender sensate focus, so let’s hope I get around to writing these scenes before I explode.

**************

Template time!

Words written (published or not, WIPs totally count too!)

Smut scenes written (if applicable)

New things I tried

Fic I spent the most time on

Fic I spent the least time on

Favourite thing I wrote

Favourite thing I read

Writing goals for next year

Enjoy, friends!!! And cheers to another fulfilling year of writing! 🥰🥂

-- love from your friendly neighbourhood Pika! xoxo

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fuck-customers · 5 months

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I wish there was a way I could convince my boss to get on board with the idea of a suggestion box, so that all of us employees could anonymously write suggestions for how to improve the store + things we'd like that might make us more productive, feel more appreciated, etc. But there's no way for me to bring it up without making it seem like the reason for the box is because she's such a fuckup as a manager. (Because that is the real reason lmao) She's also the type who would read a legitimate constructive criticism and scoff and wave it off as us asking for something extremely unreasonable or make up some bullshit about how xyz can't be done to improve the store because there's not enough hours, or crew, or money in the budget, whatever. I can actually picture her doing that.

The past few days I've been obsessed with this idea (mostly because I had a nightmare shift that would've easily been avoided had she done her job and managed correctly and assigned people to do the setup work beforehand) but I can't think of a way to get her on board. I've considered just making a box myself and putting it in the breakroom with some pens and paper scraps, but I predict it wouldn't even be a full day before she tosses it out.

So, just to get some off my chest, I'm going to put some of the suggestions I WOULD'VE written here.

•Either bring back the stocking crew that came in at 5:00 a.m. before the store opened or schedule extra people on delivery days to stay in the stockroom and unbox all products and sort them by department/aisle BEFORE putting product out on the sales floor.

(This one is a direct reference to the stocking shift I recently had that was a nightmare because none of the stock had been pre-sorted by department, which was done in the past by the stocking crew, so we had to open boxes and sort them on the sales floor while simultaneously stocking items, while the store was open and we were constantly interrupted by customers. This made stocking take at least double, if not triple the time it would've taken. That delivery was a week ago, and the boxes are STILL sitting on the sales floor, half-stocked)

•While stocking, have each employee price tag each individual item, as our stock does not arrive pre-tagged, so that customers are not confused about the prices, since upper management removed the store scanners.

•Assign the ASM or a lead to exclusively do the schedule so that the schedule is regularly posted the 3 weeks out, as required, not 3 days out.

•Assign a lead or promote a non-management employee to be a trainer to correctly train the new hires.

(As of right now, new hires are hired and then basically thrown on the floor and told to figure it out and fend for themselves, obviously leading to many mistakes that need to be unfucked by the rest of the crew, they'll ask other employees for help, but most of those employees were "trained" in the same method, so they'll show the new hires the wrong way, the blind leading the blind, essentially)

•Schedule more than 1 person per department, this way there is adequate coverage in the event of a rush, plus in downtime, one employee can assist customers while the other does go-backs/recovery and makes the department look neat and presentable.

(The store looks like a tornado hit it currently) (I also know this one is probably a union-busting thing, but honestly? Remember KM@rts and how messy they always looked? My store makes KM@rt look like a model store)

•Do some morale boosters. Every employee in the store looks like they're in prison. (We kinda are) We literally got an online review (that SHE HERSELF PRINTED OUT) that stated that we all looked miserable and looked like we needed a moral boost. We desperately do. The real solution would be better pay and hours, but we know you, the SM don't have that much control over that. You could do small things, though. The previous ASM would regularly bring in snacks for the breakroom for us, would regularly have potlucks on holidays that brought us all together, she would also make sure to regularly tell each of us that we were appreciated and would recognize our hard work. Even if it was bs, it still raised morale.

ANYWAY, thank you for letting me rant. ✨️🙌

P.S. I know obviously none of you know my boss, since I'm anonymous and didn't specify where I work (for obvious reasons) but do any of you think the suggestions box thing has even a slim chance of working? In my head, I wasn't going to tell her it was my idea or ask permission, I was just going to set up the box in the breakroom and throw in a few of my own suggestions and see if any of my coworkers add their own. Because I felt if I asked permission or told my boss my idea, she'd take offense that I was indirectly calling her a fuckup (she is) and undermining her authority or some bullshit like that. Or do you guys think if I just do it without telling anyone, she might be curious and at least look at a few suggestions? Or should I ask her to set one up? I really don't think that would go well, personally.

Posted by admin Rodney.

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pretty-idol-hell · 8 months

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So I finally got to play Idol Land PriPara for a significant amount of time. I managed to sneak in around 4pm EDT (3am JST) and I've been in for hours since. If you do get in, whatever you do don't close the app hahah.

Here are my honest thoughts!

So, at first I was kinda baffled by a lot of the decisions that were made in developing this game. But when I actually took some time to think about it, I do think a lot of thought and effort was put into reflecting the true spirit of PriPara (...right down to the compulsive spending... more on that later...).

For example, at first the menu really confused me. I opened up Kuma and clicked on プロミス (promise) thinking it's the Promise Counter, but it's not. The Promise Counter is a part of the background, behind my character below.

I found it kind of disorienting to figure out which buildings you can actually enter, and which are just decoration. But at the same time, I do appreciate the effort they made to make it feel like your character is exploring PriPara.

I was also confused by the need to wait to do a promise, since I'm used to being able to select and play songs right away. But after some thought, it is a very PriPara thing to do. Basically how it works is: You pick a "promise" to participate in at the Promise Center (or create your own) and then you have to wait until a total of three people have selected/agreed to the promise before you can play. At that time, you can play it from the プロミス (Promise) screen Kuma menu. From what I've gathered, it's not like all three members need to be online at the same time, just signed up to do the promise. It is definitely a very PriPara thing to find a way for you to play with other actual, real players like this. (I guess simultaneous play was a bit too much of a challenge, so you could say it's a compromise.)

But of course, here's where the money comes in. Because there are a whoooole lot of promises that you can't even participate in from the start unless you've bought a certain song, or a certain coord.

So, my attitude about spending money on this game has admittedly changed a lot over the past few days. I basically went from "TAKE MY MONEYYYY!!!" to "Well, what's the point in spending money on this game if I can't even play it when I want to anyway?" So, I decided that I will NOT spent a single cent until it's easier to access the game, and definitely not on the first day. As I'm writing this I have managed to stick to that, but...

BUT MAN IT'S HAAAARD

The hardest thing for me so far has been songs. I think that's where you get the most value for money. I think the tipping point for me though will come when I run out of promise tickets because you need to create the promise if you want to be center and goddamn it I'm a spoiled PriPara diva and I need to see my character as the CENTER daaaMMITT ahaha.

So, a few random things I like: I like how when you create a promise you can decide which coord everyone wears. It's how I was able to get the upmost screenshot with two randos wearing the same coord above. (Back in the day, you'd have to scour the ticket board for weeks, ask a friend, or create more characters if you wanted a uniform team.) I like that there's an option to easily take screenshots during your live, as that was also convoluted to do during the arcade era.

I have mixed feelings about the Prism Stone Shop.

On the one hand, I would have killed to be able to easily buy so many coords back in the day. And many of them for free too! There were a lot of coords I wanted that you could buy with silver idollars. And, even though it's gold, I like the option to be able to buy the coords featured in the most recent episodes of the anime.

On the other hand, honestly... I'm realizing a lot of the excitement and heart of PriPara comes from the gatcha.

And of all things, I didn't expect the gatcha to be gold idollar exclusive. On the one hand, it sucks that you have to pay when you don't even know what you're going to get. On the other hand... I mean............ it's PriPara. It's... it's not like... it's not like this is new. It's not like I haven't spent hundreds of dollars on gatcha before. IT'S NOT LIKE THIS IS NEW... HAHAH ahahaha... help. Help I want to spend so much money on this game but I feel like I can't it's torture.

So. I feel like there's no point in complaining about how disastrous of a release this was. I'm sure Syn Sophia and everyone else involved knows that. It's not in their best interest to be keeping people out of the game. I mean, look at me. If they had let me in on Day 1 and given me the chance I would have given them so much money, but no. They outsourced the game to an inexperienced developer who was probably the lowest bidder, probably to save money, and here they are losing way more money than they probably would have initially by choosing a better developer due to delaying the release and keeping paying customers out.

I just hope that:

a.) Someone higher up learns from this

and b.) Eventually all the f2p people give up on this game and open up the gates large enough to let the whales in.

That is all.

#idol land pripara

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inaconstantstateofchange · 4 months

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sweet, once.

A/N: This is a project I've worked on over the last few months, which is not reflected in the length so much as the content. Warning for canon-compliant Dark Urge backstory events, dark themes, and violence (referenced).

AO3 link

Was I sweet, once?

Kelis turns the question over and over in their mind, comparing it to the bits and pieces they have gleaned of their previous self throughout the past weeks. Crouching down, back against the wooden panels of the pavilion on the roof of the Elfsong, they look up at the sky, searching for the few stars visible through the lights of the city around them.

Flashes of the memory returned to them earlier in the day trickle back in past the attempts to shut them away, first in drips, and then a flood.

A modestly outfitted room, furniture scuffed but well cared-for, charming signs of a loving family scattered around, visible from every angle. And covering it all — blood, and viscera, and other, less pleasant fluids. They don’t want to turn, to see what they know lies behind them, but it’s a memory, not a vision, so they are a helpless passenger — just as they felt on the day itself.

The empty sockets of their foster mother’s eyes meet their searching gaze first, face a rictus of some emotion more complex than horror and closer to despair. One hand is clenched around a worn pendant, held as steadfastly in the grim strength of death as it so often was in life. They try to remember which of the gods she’d held to with such devotion. Would she speak to Kelis, were they to seek her out in that domain?

The Kelis-of-now notes with despair to match the woman’s the way she has no weapon, no shreds of blood and scale under her nails. She would not raise her hand against them, even as they killed her for her weakness. For her love.

The Kelis-of-then turns further, moving with robotic evenness through the nearest doorway. The pools of blood underfoot squelch unpleasantly beneath their bare feet, and yet simultaneously send a shiver of perverse delight through them.

The sight before them stops them in their tracks — or it would, were they free to do so. Their childhood form steps unrelentingly closer to the bed, and they cannot turn away. For a moment, the small tiefling body in the bed is Mol’s, glaring furiously up at them with a single eye glazed over in death.

A blink, a heartbeat, and it’s not, of course it could not be. They don’t even know so much as this one’s name, and the only real similarity is in the horns, stunted and small.

Well… horn.

One of them has been broken off, jaggedly, at the root. Slowly, through a fog, a tough, ridged texture that matches the striation of the single remaining horn on the child filters into their consciousness. They can’t look down – of course they can’t – but they know what is held in their fierce grasp all the same.

The lack of blood around the broken horn stub is the only small mercy they can find. Of all the things that happened to this child – their sibling, in this house of peace turned blood offering – this at least did not take place while they were alive. In truth… They look with clearer eyes now, whilst their staring memory-self seems disinclined to move them. The tiefling child is covered with blood, their heart torn from their chest and placed tenderly within their own hands, but — despite all the wounds, all the blood, it is clear that only one was the cause of their death, and that one, a single clean gash to their throat, predates the others by at least an hour.

The Kelis-of-then stays for long moments more, watching the unmoving body of their one-time-sibling, as if observing some reality even shared memory cannot return to the Kelis-of-now. At last, at some unknown cue, their body turns, leaving the still form in the bed without a backward glance, trailing sticky blood behind them as they step into the open doorway of the room across the hall. This room is surprisingly unsullied by the carnage of the rest of the dwelling, but Kelis is not able to catch a glimpse of more than a neatly made bed and a green-covered book resting atop a pillow, before their body is moving forward with purpose, directing their attention neither to the right nor left.

There is another door on the other side of the room, barely ajar and rocking back and forth slightly in the wind. Here the evidence of violence is visible: smears of blood in clumsy patterns at a strangely low height.

The Kelis-of-then presses the door open further, mechanical and composed, emerging onto a terrace resplendent with greenery, a vibrant – albeit clashing – assortment of cushions piled invitingly across one entire corner. There are other houses visible through gaps in the greenery, but no lamps are lit in windows, no calls come from distant streets. Their crime is as-yet-undiscovered.

Their childhood form moves to the cushions, and sits — more like a collapsing string-puppet than anything living. Their hand moves to the side, slow and scrupulous, until it meets a cool, furred form, previously disguised by the darkest of the cushions and the blanket of night. They look, then and now, out into the darkness, the claws at the tips of their scaled fingers passing delicately over unfeeling fur in a visceral mockery of loving sense-memory.

Kelis-of-now comes back to themself, shaking off the lingering trappings of the memory. Their hand flexes, the ghost of fur beneath it still, and they restrain the urge to claw and bite at their own flesh to remove it. A bitter taste of bile floods the back of their throat, and their eyes prickle in a way they are unfamiliar with. A thought bubbles up ponderously from the depths: is this a cruel vengeance on the part of one of the many gods they’ve wronged, that they would regain no memories of anything but blood, and darkness, and more blood?

In the next moment, they hiss out a rasping laugh that dissipates sluggishly into the muggy night air. Just as likely to be a simple game of numbers. How to fish one gem out of a sea laden with corpses? More likely for the hook to emerge choked with maggots. They were a fool indeed to expect otherwise.

Kelis settles themself for a doomed attempt at meditation. They consider, for a moment, seeking solace from their lovers, but… They’ve burdened both Astarion and Halsin enough already. They should be able to handle these, the consequences of their own actions, themself. Kelis knows better, now, than to think there is anything of value within them worth the excavation.

Their first indrawn breath is ragged, breaking a fraction on the inhale, then forcefully smoothed out on the exhale. All will be well. They just need to hold to that.

All will be well.

#my writing #angst #hurt no comfort #there WILL be comfort #just... not in this fic #kelis #the dark urge #bg3 #bg3 fic #my fic #dark urge/astarion #dark urge/halsin #durgestarion #dragonborn #dragonborn durge #my durge #my tav

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dangeles · 2 years

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Please help a struggling artist.

Hi everyone.

I'll try my best to word this as well as I can; this is a plea for help.

I'm Donna, a 27 yr old freelancing queer+POC female artist.

As my Tumblr activity would suggest, my favourite thing to do is make fandom artwork, it brings me joy like no other. That has come to a standstill as in the past few months I've been unable to make ends meet with unexpected bills, having been kicked out of my previous apartment, and spending a lot of time and money in hunting for a new one in a dire time limit.

I've been holing up temporarily in an acquaintance's home for a very minimal charge, but her kindness can only extend till the end of June as she is moving away and giving her place up for rent for an amount I cannot afford anymore.

I have found a smaller place, but I still do not have enough to make the deposit/the rent that I need to pay by next week or I will lose the place. I'm down to my last trickle of savings that I can rely on for food alone.

In a week's time, I will be homeless and broke; I do not have a vehicle to crash in or any friends in the city I can approach who could accommodate me. I cannot return to my conservative parents in my hometown, I would have to give up my freedom as an artist and return to a closet I spent all my twenties working hard to get out of.

I've been living every day in constant debilitating anxiety and panic. Searching for a safe/affordable apartment and a paying job simultaneously is using up all my energy and will; my mental health has taken a massive hit with subsequent depression.

I'm on my last few dregs of hope and you guys here are it.

Tdlr; I humbly ask you for consideration in the form of donations.

I have linked my payment gateways: | KOFI | Stripe |

It would be extremely helpful to receive any amount at all; even a single dollar from a person counts and may help keep me afloat for a few months while I search for a job that could support me.

If a donation is not possible, signal boosting this post helps too. Please help me reach as many people as possible.

I'm being very optimistic by keeping a goal of $1,500; even though a part of me thinks that's highly unreasonable, I have hope, and it's all I have at this point.

My dear friend @enterthetadpole (an absolute angel who has helped me as much as she can) tells me how the fandom helped her when she was in need of desperate help, so I hope I too can turn to this space that has kept my spirits from waning completely out of me. Fandom content has been a safe haven; reading fics, looking at art, and poring through all the discourses here help me forget some of the fear and anxiety that grips me constantly.

I want to be able to give back to the community with art and sketches soon. I want to be able to open commissions again once my living situation is sorted.

Art is bread and butter, and my happy place.

Kindly help me get there again.

-Donna

...

Tagging any who can help boost -

@camphipp @athene-noctua08 @enterthetadpole @writingloud @sherlockedcarmilla @flecker-illustrates @totallysilvergirl @podfixx @katherynefromphilly @arthur-rex @barbsiebabe @natillynoo-blog

#text #signal boost #financial assistance #donations #crowdfunding #fundraising #emergency #boost please #artists on tumblr #artist support #fandom #mutual aid #dangeles

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avionvadion · 3 months

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Part Three of "I have no self control so here ya go"

Warning: El isn’t affected by the song magic in Hell/Heaven so she ends up singing whatever songs she knows from her time on earth. In this chapter, it's "Two Birds On A Wire".

I've decided this takes place just before the Pilot episode. So Angel has not been recruited yet, and the hotel is still the "Happy Hotel".

This one is a LONG one.

Eleanora took a seat at the table while Lucifer got to work, the letter set beside her just so he wouldn’t toss it away after having second thoughts. One leg crossed over the other, she propped an elbow up with a hand against her cheek, and watched as the devil king stood at his desk, hyper-focused as he fiddled with magic and various materials that he summoned out of thin air, his back facing her.

She didn’t want to bother him, seeing as he finally had motivation and was willingly doing something without panicking or trying to run away. Making rubber ducks really was something he seemed to be good at… which makes sense, seeing just how many he had.

The brunette leaned to the side, staring at the ducks that were leaning against her legs and feet, before shifting so she was looking at Lucifer again. She observed his blond hair, eying his slender form closely.

It was a little embarrassing to think, but…

Charlie really took after her daddy, huh? Not just in personality, but looks too. Her height is probably from her mom, though.

Hot damn.

Eleanora may not have ever dated anyone, actively going out of her way to avoid relationships, but she does admire a beauty when she sees one. It just so happens that said beauty is the father of the person who saved her life, and also just so happens to be the literal King of Hell.

Is he much shorter than she was expecting Lucifer fucking Morningstar to be? Absolutely. Is that because of the ridiculous beauty standards from the country she was raised in? Most definitely. Did it bother her at all? Hell no.

If anything, it made him… cuter? While simultaneously more intimidating. Rather than looming over her, he could get right up in her face to threaten her- which he has done once already, as well as made a few rather intimidating faces, but also… just…

Flustered her.

Was the King of Hell supposed to be so touchy-feely? She can still vividly remember the feeling of his hand on her waist as he pulled her in close and danced around the magical lake he had created with his song. Eleanora was very much not good with eye contact for extended periods of time, but he made it so hard to look away.

Gods, being in Hell has been a super bad influence on her.

She’s only been here for the better half of a week and, after all those years she spent avoiding relationships like the plague- which she literally did have to do due to the recent pandemic, she's now checking out the literal devil, Lucifer Morningstar, while he makes a rubber freaking duck that’ll spit out rainbows and glitter. Sure, they’re technically in each other’s age range, but he was immortal, older than the earth itself, and she was a measly human. He’s literally the father of the person she made a pact with.

Someone splash me with holy water, please.

Her face is burning, the woman having made herself flustered due to her own indecent thoughts.

Is this a fucking genetic thing? Her eldest sister definitely had a thing for single fathers, considering her recent track record of partners, but Eleanora didn’t realize she also had a thing for them. Perhaps this was just proof of their relation? Jesus, I’m in trouble.

Their first meeting was bad enough- Eleanora had a nearly ten year difference with her eldest sister, and because Lucifer looked like he was in his thirties and Charlie in her very early twenties- like, barely past twenty-one- the woman fully believed he was the princess’ brother.

Not that… Eleanora knew Charlie was the Princess of Hell at that time.

Eleanora was fully convinced that he was Charlie’s brother, and was very confused because she knows Charlie said it was her dad coming over, but he sounded and looked so much younger than she had been expecting.

And he was gorgeous.

Did he look like a snake, with his big yellow eyes and red-slit pupils? Oh yeah. Even his skin was as white as snow, and if she hadn’t felt it herself by accident during the songs when he got a bit too close she would have believed it if his skin was actually scales. His teeth were admittedly a little terrifying, what with how large and sharp they were, but it wasn’t in a bad way? They were scary, in a… good way.

Pleasant way. In a way she definitely shouldn’t be thinking about, since he was Charlie’s dad.

Who the hell said the devil should be a short king that absolutely loves his daughter, is both terrifying and gorgeous, is kind of ridiculous, and has one hell of a singing voice?

…God themself, probably.

Damn it.

Eleanora has been getting used to people bursting out into song- and by that, she means Charlie- but being dragged into the musical numbers was certainly a first. Who’d have thought she’d actually dance with the devil? Her life has gotten so out-of-hand. At least she can breathe now; that’s really the only good thing that’s happened since coming down to Hell.

Well, untrue.

I’d be dead if Charlie and Vaggie didn’t find me when they did…

Everything had happened so fast that Eleanora doesn’t really remember everything, but one minute she had been drawing on her cintiq and the next she was falling, falling, falling down into darkness. Things went black and when she woke up, this creature covered head-to-toe in fur with shredded clothes, piercings, and horns was standing over her, knife in hand like he was about to sacrifice her.

Probably was, too, since she was laying on a pentagram drawn of blood surrounded by dozens of lit wax candles.

She barely lifted her head in time to see Vaggie, a woman with long silver hair and ashen purple skin, stab the demon through the chest, delivering unto it the very fate it had been trying to do unto her. Charlie was shrieking, absolutely losing her mind at the sight of Eleanora.

The Princess of Hell scooped Eleanora up into her arms, muttering dozens of apologies and asking even more questions about how a human like her got here, while Vaggie went through the dead demon’s phone- because demons have phones in Hell- and discovered the bastard had tried to reverse engineer a summoning circle only to summon her, and then tried to sacrifice her while she was still unconscious in a second attempt of getting to Earth after his first scheme failed.

It was… weird, and made very little sense to her, but Eleanora didn’t have any choice but to go along with it and let herself be carried to the Happy Hotel the two were attempting to run.

Charlie asked Eleanora some questions, asked even more, panicked when she started to have an asthma attack, on the verge of falling unconscious, and frantically made a pact with her to save her life. The actual terms of the pact came after.

A couple days later… Charlie called her father.

He showed up immediately, teleporting to the front door, and Eleanora then embarrassed herself thinking he was Charlie’s brother. She then learned Charlie was a fucking princess and her dad was the King of Hell.

Of all the people- she was saved by the heir to Hell’s throne? Holy shit.

But, perhaps even more embarrassing, was Charlie trying to get Eleanora to sing to Lucifer about her situation and how she ended up under his daughter’s care. He was the same height as her, but his gaze had been fierce and intimidating, cane in his hands as he stood tall beside his much taller daughter, and practically ordered her to sing since that was what Charlie wanted.

“It was… pitch black, I was laying on my back? I opened my eyes, saw a knife, knew things weren’t right? And… there was a demon, I was screamin’. A-And then Charlie… ooh, I can’t do this. This isn’t working. Charlie-!”

“No, no, you’re doing great!” The princess had exclaimed. “Keep it up! I’ll be your backup vocals!”

“I don’t think-”

“It’s okay.” Lucifer had told Eleanora then, holding a hand up, looking very unimpressed by the whole thing. “Take your time. My daughter wants you to sing… so sing.”

She felt like an utter clown.

Thankfully, Charlie took over the majority of the song so Eleanora actually ended up as the backup vocals. Vaggie, unfortunately, wasn’t at the hotel at the time since she was out grocery shopping, so Eleanora had to face the King of Hell alone.

After that horrible first meeting, Charlie made the two exchange numbers in case of an emergency.

Eleanora should be fine since she has the pact with Charlie and merely has to summon her if she’s ever in danger, but Charlie was worried because the brunette was a live human in Hell and didn’t want to take any risks. Charlie was absolutely terrified for Eleanora’s safety. It was sweet of her, if not baffling, as Eleanora was unused to such heavy concern from anyone that wasn’t one of her siblings, and as a result found herself going along with it.

Who’d have thought that would lead to Lucifer calling her frequently to ask after his daughter and her wellbeing?

And now… here they are.

Man, the back view of him with his tailcoat should not be as nice as it was. It was pure white, accented with only the slightest bit of red, two dots resembling an apple core embroidered in the curve of his lower back, and it fit him. Very, very well. Lucifer was giggling and muttering to himself, saying something about how these rubber ducks had to be perfect. He was incredibly excited now that he knew for sure his daughter would like the gifts. It was ridiculously attractive.

Suddenly, a small yawn escaped Eleanora’s lips.

She blinked slowly, realizing just now how sleepy she was. It had been late at night when Lucifer called her, the woman having just been about to get ready for bed, but then he abducted her.

“You’re calling… to ask about Charlie?” Eleanora remembered asking, baffled that he was doing this so late in the night. She had grown used to the frequent calls asking about his daughter, but this was definitely a first. “Why not just call her?”

“Call her!? She’s- well… She’s busy! Probably. She might not pick up!” Yeah, because she’s asleep. “Just answer the question! Has anyone been bothering her? Give me names! W-Wait, no, has she been eating properly? She’s not wearing herself out with this hotel business, is she!?”

Panicked. Concerned.

Lucifer had sounded absolutely frantic.

“Ah.” That explained the late night call. It was hard to imagine, but his anxiety must have gotten the better of him- and though she was tired, Eleanora tried her best to answer and calm him down. “Y-Yeah, she’s fine. And she’s not so busy that she’d ignore a call from you. I got so scared when your name popped up on my phone.”

Seriously-

“Why not invite her over for some tea so you can catch up?”

A pause, and then- “Invite… her over?”

Eleanora had nodded, even though she knew he couldn’t see it, a sleepy smile on her lips. “Yeah, she’d love that! She once told me that she always wished she could get to know you better! If you aren’t comfortable calling her, why not write a letter? If you want, I could deliver it for you?”

There was a long moment of silence.

“Y-Your… Majesty?” A surge of panic rushed through her. “F-Frick, was that out of line!? I’m sorry! Forget I said anything! I-“

Looking down at her phone screen, she blinked, realizing the call had ended. Lucifer had hung up on her.

“Fuck.”

Eleanora had begun to panic, fearing the worst and that he might kill her for her impertinence, when the devil himself appeared behind her several minutes later, grabbing her arm and flashing her a wicked grin. He told her she would only die if she “messed this up” and proceeded to envelope them in red mist, teleporting them to his castle.

Thus, Lucifer kidnapped Eleanora… and demanded her assistance in writing a letter because all the ones he wrote in that short span of time had been horrible.

“I don’t know what to write.” He stated bluntly.

“…Ha?” The two of them ended up sitting on the floor, surrounded by crumpled papers and rubber ducks, and he had yet to let go of her arm.

“What should I write in the letter?”

Man, looking back on it, even though it’s only been a couple hours, it feels like an eternity since that conversation happened. What time is it now? It’s gotta be way past morning,

A pact with the princess, a deal with the king…

Her head fell from her hand to rest on her arm against the table, eyes sleepily watching the ever-focused back of the hardworking Lucifer before slowly closing, drifting off into sleep.

Doubt I’m ever gettin’ into Heaven now.

Her parents would literally cry. Well, not that she really cares. She was already a disappointment, anyways.

…

The next time Eleanora opened her eyes, she wasn’t at the table anymore- instead finding herself staring at an unfamiliar ceiling, a bright crimson blanket tossed over her resting form.

Blinking her eyes open and groggily looking down, she saw she was now sitting in a much larger chair, a pink-and-white striped pillow strategically placed between her head and the armrest. At first, she was very confused because she could have sworn she was at a table, but then crossed that out as a weird dream, before realizing she wasn’t exactly at the hotel either.

Maybe that was also a dream, but… she didn’t recognize this chair and she especially did not recognize this blanket.

“Huh?” Ah, whatever. She’s too tired for this.

Her legs dangling off the other end, she yawned and closed her eyes again, about to doze off once more into sleep. Until it hit her… that the only way she could have moved was if someone had carried her.

Eleanora also remembered that she wasn’t at the hotel right now, and since this wasn’t her house that meant the hotel wasn’t a dream, which meant this wasn’t a dream, which meant the only person who could have moved her was Lucifer. The King of Hell.

She was still in his castle.

The brunette immediately shot up into a sitting position, the pillow falling to the ground. “What!? Huh? How did-”

The door to the room opened, and Lucifer came walking in, a tray holding a circus elephant-designed tea set in his hands. He jumped, eyes wide upon seeing Eleanora awake, and he let out an awkward laugh before rushing over to set the tray down on the table she had fallen asleep at. “O-Oh! You’re awake! Hi! Good morning! Kind of. It’s actually afternoon now. So sorry! I know I’m the one who brought you here and all, hehe, but, uh, yeah!”

Lucifer stood up straight, clapping his hands together, looking very uncomfortable and like he’s forgotten how to talk to her during the time she’s been asleep.

“Sooo….” The short king held up a finger, offering her a weak smile. “You hungry? I mean, it’s the least I can do, seeing as you stayed up all night to help me with the letter and even came up with the idea for the glitter-and-rainbow rubber ducks, and… all of that.”

“Uh…” Eleanora stared at him blankly, then glanced at the tea tray he brought. She looked down at the pillow that had fallen and the blanket she was still using, before looking up at him again. She offered an equally awkward smile. “A little? Um, i-if… you really don’t mind. P-Please and thank you…”

She really doesn’t want to intrude or overstep whatever boundaries and rules there are for this kind of thing. He was royalty after all, among other things. But she was really hungry.

Lucifer practically jumped out of his boots in his excitement. “Yes! Of course! I mean, we’re basically friends now, right? Ahaha! A friend should offer a friend food! H-Here!”

He rushed over to stand behind the chair she was on, grabbing the sides, and Eleanora let out a startled shout when he pushed it and her towards the table, knocking over several mountains of rubber ducks in the process. By the time the chair had stopped moving, Lucifer was already pouring her a cup of tea, setting it down in front of her and then snapping his fingers, several plates of breakfast food appearing in front of her- most of which were pancakes.

Eleanora was frozen in place, eyes wide as could be.

When she looked up at him, she saw Lucifer was rocking on his heels by the other side of the table, sharp teeth bared in a smile, one eye somewhat squinted. He nervously tapped his fingertips together. “D-Does it look alright?”

“Y-Yeah!” She choked out, wondering if maybe this was the dream. “Uh, thank you! Really. I- uh, appreciate it.”

“Good, good! Glad to hear it!” Lucifer laced his hands together, beaming, and stood there for a long minute, body completely stiff, before he reached out and tugged out a chair, several rubber ducks falling to the floor. He took a seat. Lucifer waved a hand at her. “G-Go ahead and eat! Don’t mind me.”

Perhaps it was because her eyes reminded him so much of a doe, but she truly looked like a deer-in-the-headlights. “O-Okay…”

Eleanora tentatively picked up a fork, poured some syrup onto what she prayed were normal eggs, pancakes, and bacon, cut herself a slice, and took a bite. She relaxed almost immediately, humming happily with the fork still in her mouth.

Lucifer’s shoulders became noticeably less tense, his smile more relieved now. “Good, right?”

“Mmhm!” Covering her hand with her mouth once she removed the fork, she chewed for a moment and swallowed, flashing him a grateful smile. “Thank you for the food!”

He beamed. “Of course! Can’t have Charlie’s favorite human starve now can I? Haha, ha!”

Well, that was a fake laugh if she ever heard one.

“I’m actually rather fond of pancakes myself! The softer and fluffier, the better!”

Lucifer shifted in his seat, starting to fiddle with his fingers before grabbing at a random non-deadly rubber duck and messing with it.

“But th-that’s not- that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about. We, uh, you and me-“ He coughed into a fist. “We made a deal! And… I-I think things with Charlie might actually go well?”

Taking another bite of food and cutting one of the pancakes, Eleanora looked up at him with raised brows and curious eyes.

“Charlie seemed- over the phone- she seemed really excited, a-and she said she liked all the things you thought she would, which means she might really like the letter and the gifts, and- well, y’know, I feel like I can- like I might actually be able to be a dad to her again!”

Eleanora said nothing, merely letting him get his thoughts out.

He ended up rambling the entire breakfast, and stopped only long enough to pour her another cup of tea with the elephant teapot when he saw she was about to do it herself. “You’re the guest! Don’t bother! Uh, where was I?”

“...Charlie?”

“Oh, yes!” Lucifer brightened immediately. He was squeezing the rubber duck like it was a stress ball. “So, I just- really, kind of- wanted to thank you? For… being so understanding and nice and not… getting upset… with me?”

Finished with her plate, the brunette took a small sip of her tea before making a face. “The only thing I think I should be upset with is the kidnapping bit.”

“Which is totally valid!” He exclaimed, standing up, the rubber duck being sent flying over his shoulder as he tossed it behind him. “I get it, really, I do! You were just minding your business and then the big boss of Hell came waltzin’ on in and stealing you away!” Lucifer waggled his eyebrows and let out another awkward laugh, holding his hands in the air. “Makes perfect sense. But I-”

Seeing her quietly raising a hand, staring at him, waiting for a chance to speak, he cut himself off and blinked.

“Yes?”

“I… I said I think I should be upset with it- not that I am. Or was.” She made a face. Lucifer furrowed his brows. “You haven’t hurt me and you didn’t kidnap me with nefarious intent, so…” Eleanora gave a small shrug, lifting the cup up to her lips to take another sip of the tea. “It’s fine.”

“...I see. G-Great! Wonderful.”

He sat back down.

Sitting completely still, Lucifer puffed out his cheeks, his eyes big as he stared into nothing, his thoughts running a hundred miles an hour. “Glad to… hear it.”

Outside, Eleanora was appearing calm.

Inside, she was losing her absolute fucking mind.

The King of Hell kidnapped her, then dragged her into a couple musical numbers. After giving him some advice and making sure he couldn’t back out of giving his daughter the letter he wrote, Eleanora fell asleep at the table. When she woke up, she realized he had carried her over to a much more comfortable chair so she could sleep, and then he pushed said chair with her still on it towards the table, and summoned pancakes for her to eat.

Now he was apologizing… and thanking her? He was calling her a friend?

No person has ever given her whiplash as much as this man has, because holy shit what is happening? Why is he being so nice to her all of a sudden? Is it really because they made the deal and because he truly believes the letter will go over well? He’s supposed to be the devil.

Honestly, she was a little worried… but overall Eleanora was convinced everything would go over well.

Lucifer truly seemed to love his daughter- and Charlie said to her once before, on the day she introduced Lucifer and Eleanora to one another, a short while after the man left the hotel, that she always wanted to get to know her father better. So long as they communicate, it should be okay.

They… do know how to communicate, right?

Eleanora stared down at her empty teacup, purple-and-white stripes staring back at her.

I think… I might be in trouble.

She glanced up at Lucifer- only to freeze when she saw him just staring at her, smiling.

“So!” He began, somehow looking both excited and terrified at the same time. “How… e-exactly are we gonna go about giving Charlie the letter? And… the rubber ducks?”

Eleanora set the teacup down, doing her damndest to keep her breathing steady and to not panic. Something she likes to think she’s gotten good at after ending up in freaking Hell- where she could literally die if she took a wrong step upon leaving the hotel- even though she totally did panic earlier when Charlie called. “Well…”

Stay calm. Just breathe.

Even if the King of Hell called her a friend, there’s no way he actually meant it. He might very well keep his promise to kill her if this goes wrong or if his relationship with his daughter worsens due to her interference.

“I was thinking…” How can she say this without crossing the line? She fiddled with the teacup before slowly speaking with her hands, heart beating so fast she was scared it would burst out of her chest. Eleanora prayed- oh, the irony- that the devil king couldn’t hear it. “How about… after you take me back to the hotel…”

Lucifer leaned forward, nodding with each word, eager to hear her plan. “Uh-huh, uh-huh!”

“I call Charlie, ask her to wait in the lounge, and…”

“Give them to her!?”

She was thinking more along the lines that he gives the letter and gifts to Charlie with her acting as backup, but… okay.

Maybe she can bring that up at the hotel.

It’ll be fine.

“Y-Yeah!”

Lucifer jumped up, knocking his chair over as he threw his hands up into the air, laughing excitedly. “Great! Shall we go right now!? The sooner we get it to her the better!”

“Huh? O-Oh! Uh, yeah! Sure!”

Okay, no, Eleanora is starting to panic. This could go really bad. Maybe. She doesn’t actually know.

This is the first time she’s getting involved in another family’s drama other than her own. She’s given advice plenty of times and that’s always seemed to work- it was the sole reason why the “friends” she had kept her around for so long before completely ditching and abandoning her after graduation- but she’s never been actively involved in the drama.

Not to mention that her whole survival is sort of depending on this working out well…

“Alrighty! Let’s get going then!” Lucifer ran around the table to reach her, and Eleanora yelped when he snatched her hand and yanked her up onto her feet. The short king was practically vibrating in his excitement. “Whoa, can’t forget the gifts!”

He snapped his fingers.

Eleanora didn’t know where the gift box and letter had been moved after she fell asleep, but wherever they used to be didn’t really matter since they suddenly appeared in front of her. With a small screech, she shot her arms to catch them, yanking her hand away from Lucifer’s.

Cradling the items close, she gave the devil king an incredulous look. “W-Warning!? Please?”

He just flashed her a beaming sharp-toothed smile, gently grabbing her shoulder, and as a look of confusion crossed her face they began teleporting. Eleanora’s vision was completely obscured by red mist, and as soon as it cleared and she could see again she saw that they were standing in her old dingy hotel room.

Whoa. “That’s… some really smooth magic.”

Lucifer grinned, chest puffing out a little proudly. “Well, I am the king. Or did you forget that I’m the Lucifer Morningstar?”

She pretended to think about it. “I meeeean…”

“Wha- oh, really!?” He looked deeply offended. “You actually forgot!?”

“No!” Eleanora couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped her, and Lucifer blinked. “I just wasn’t expecting it! I was so scared the first time I didn’t really focus on the actual teleporting. I always figured it would be kinda like… I dunno…”

He watched her struggle to explain, curiosity in his gaze.

Eleanora twisted a hand awkwardly in the air. “Being pulled apart on like… a molecular level? Disassembled and reassembled? Or maybe painless and whole, but really dizzying?”

“That sounds awful.” Lucifer deadpanned. “And highly uncomfortable.”

The face he made was so disturbed, Eleanora barked out a laugh, finding it hilarious. Lucifer startled at the reaction, eyebrows raised high on his forehead. “Y-Yeah, it really does! But that’s how everyone writes it as being! Which… makes sense? In a way? I guess it’s just us humans trying to “logic” it even though it’s just plain “magic” and “magic” is… magical! Ahaha!”

“Hehe…” He let out a small chuckle, not looking nearly as disturbed as before. Lucifer’s features actually started to soften, and he began to lean forward- only to stop upon realizing he didn’t have his cane to support his weight. He settled for awkwardly resting his hands on his hips instead, tilting his head and grinning at her. “I suppose that’s true. You humans don’t exactly know how to accept a miracle as it is.”

She nodded, agreeing wholeheartedly. “T’is true, t’is true. I’m still trying to rationalize how Charlie managed to rescue me in time before that demon sacrificed me, buuuut there’s probably not much point in wondering about it.”

Lucifer is actually questioning that himself, but he’s more curious why it was Eleanora that was summoned and not another filthy rotten Sinner. This definitely isn’t the time to be thinking about it, though.

“…So…”

Eleanora blinked, turning to face him. Lucifer flashed her a nervous smile. He moved so he was standing face-to-face with her, lifting his hands up to nervously press his index fingers together.

“This is the part where you call Charlie, right?”

Panic round three, here we go. “R-Right! Of course. Th-That’s the whole point of this, right? Haha… uh…”

Nerves utterly wrecked, Eleanora carefully moved to set the gift box and letter down on a nearby dresser and pulled out her phone, tapping open her most recent contacts and hitting Charlie’s name. Lucifer hunched over, hands curled close to his face, biting his lower lip in anticipation as he listened to the phone ring.

When Charlie picked up, he inhaled sharply through his dagger-like teeth, holding his breath. “El?”

“Heeeey! Um, are you at the hotel right now?”

“Yes! Is the surprise ready?”

Eleanora glanced at Lucifer, her smile a bit strained. “Just about~? Uh… c-can you go wait in the lounge for me? I’ll be there in… like, five minutes. And… close your eyes? Pretty please?”

“O-Oh, of course! Absolutely! Eeeek, I’m so excited! Okay, okay! I’ll see you in five! Ooooh, I can’t wait!”

Charlie hung up.

Eleanora felt like she was standing on a tightrope, one that was wobbling and leaving her to dangle precariously as she struggled not to fall off the edge. Her stomach churned when she saw Lucifer looking up at her in confusion.

“Eyes closed?” He echoed, brows furrowing. “Why would she need her eyes closed?”

Oh, gods, this was going to be hard.

Careful not to drop her phone, Eleanora flashed the devil king as encouraging a smile she could muster, gesturing to the gifts and then to him. “I was thinking, maybe, just a suggestion, really, that the surprise would be even better… if you’re there as I give them to her?”

Lucifer’s face immediately went blank.

“O-Or!” She stammered, stepping back and holding a finger up. “Even better! You could give them to her, a-and I’m there for emotional support! Charlie would love that, y’know!? Sh-She’ll be so happy to see you, and combine your presence with the letter and the ducks- I mean…!”

Eleanora let out an awkward laugh.

“She’ll be bouncing off the walls!”

“…You-“ Lucifer’s face seemed to recover some form of emotion, his brain finally catching up and processing everything she was saying. He pointed at himself, face a mixture of concern and confusion. “You want… me… to deliver the letter?”

“I’ll go with you!” The brunette hurriedly exclaimed. “It’ll be good for you guys! R-Really, really good!”

He looked hesitant, turning partially away from her as he brought his fingers up to his lips, starting to gnaw at his gloves again. “I-I dunno…”

“It’ll be great!” Eleanora insisted, becoming a little pleading, as neither confrontation nor persuasion were her strong suits- but she really needed to convince him to do this. For both her sake, and theirs. “You… trusted me this far, so why not a little further? She’s waiting downstairs. I-I mean, sure, I haven’t known Charlie very long, but… she’s super honest! I know she’ll be happy to see you.”

At her words, Lucifer fell silent and lowered his head, glancing over at the gift box and letter she had set down. His teeth were really starting to dig into his fingers, golden droplets of ichor starting to glimmer through the torn fabric.

Eleanora could feel a slight frustration build up in the midst of her anxiety, but she tried to calm herself and think. She’s been able to get him to come this far, but now he’s trying to run away again.

To give up.

He was scared of the responsibility he’d have to take if he followed through with it. That’s why he always quit while he was ahead and settled for waiting. Yet waiting doesn’t do anything, except broaden the gap until the years fly by and an abyss has formed. If left on his own to deal with this, by the time he’ll figure out what’s happened… it’ll be too late.

Eleanora could feel some of the strength leave her, gazing at the depressed wreck that was the King of Hell, only to squeeze her eyes shut and rip her gaze away to stare at the old wooden door, wracking her brain to try and figure out what she could say to get him to work with her.

Does he need another song? What is even with Hell and its need for musical numbers?

Eleanora loves a good musical and listened to music constantly every single day before coming down here, but she’s never had to sing to comfort someone or cheer them up or to make a deal or… anything of the sort. She only ever sang for the fun of it, but even that was limited due to her severe asthma. After she graduated and was ditched by her friends, and her health fell so downhill right before the pandemic, she even stopped socializing with people that weren’t her siblings.

She doesn’t know how to comfort people. She’s amazed she’s even gotten this far.

Encouraging Lucifer, convincing him to finish the letter and to make the rubber ducks… all of it had been so difficult for her. She was lucky she could even think of the right songs to sing. But what is she supposed to sing now?

What would even resonate with him?

The sun goes down, the stars come out, and all that counts is here and now; the universe will never be the same, I’m-

No, that won’t work, even if she did change up the lyrics to make it sound like she was talking about Charlie. The middle part didn’t fit at all.

History Maker?

Eleanora dismissed that one, too- although she should probably keep it in mind in case he needs encouragement for something that doesn’t involve his daughter. If he has a big idea he wants to make but thinks it’ll go bad even though it’ll be fine, she can sing that then. Yeah.

But what about right now!?

In a moment of desperation, she unlocked her phone and flicked through one of her many playlists, nibbling at her bottom lip. Her heart was racing again, the woman feeling as though everything- her survival, Lucifer and Charlie’s father-and-daughter bond- was hinging on her finding the right song to sing.

After a painfully suffocating moment of her stomach dropping into the pit of her stomach, Eleanora feeling the seconds tick on by like the end of the world was about to occur, she finally stopped scrolling, finding something that may just work.

Googling the lyrics to refresh her memory, she pocketed the device and took a deep breath, mentally screeching at her heart to calm down.

She can do this.

How is she going to do this? No idea. But Lucifer is still biting his fingers and-

Dude, stop, you’re hurting yourself!

Eleanora had moved before she realized it, boldly snatching his wrist and tugging his hand away from his mouth. His red gaze shot up to meet hers, eyes wide as could be, and she swallowed down the lump that had caught in her throat.

Lips parting, not knowing what to say, the lyrics came out. “Two… birds… on a wire~!”

Fuck, she’s gotta commit to the bit now.

“One~ tries to fly… away, and the other… watches her close… from that wire.”

It didn’t take Lucifer long to figure out where she was going with this.

“He says he wants to, as well,” Lucifer curled his lips back at Eleanora’s words, seeing her narrow her eyes at him as she slid her hand down to grab his, squeezing his bleeding fingers, “but he is a liar.”

“I’m not-“

“Aren’t you?” She questioned. Lucifer faltered. “Do you or do you not want to see your daughter?”

So much pain crossed his face then, Eleanora felt like an absolute villain for this. Thankfully, the next few lyrics were exactly what she wanted to say. Loosening her grip, she let a small smile fall across her lips, and she stepped back towards the door, bravely grabbing and lifting his two hands up in an attempt to get her point across.

“I’ll believe~ it all~!” Oh, ew, her voice cracked. “There’s nothing I won’t understand.”

Lucifer lifted his head, yellow eyes growing wide as his red irises dilated.

“I’ll believe~ it all~!” Giving his fingers a gentle squeeze, she tugged him towards her. Rather than pulling away or keeping his heels rooted in place, he found himself walking towards her, and she laced their fingers together as she rested their hands against her chest and over her heart. Eleanora gave him the gentlest smile she could muster, internally cursing herself as she could feel her eyes water. “I won’t~ let go~ of your hand.”

She doesn’t know how to fight or survive in Hell without help, without relying on the princess or her kingly father, but she genuinely did want to help them.

Charlie has been so kind to her, saving her without even knowing her name or how she got there until Vaggie figured it out. She made a pact with her just to keep her healthy. Eleanora owes Charlie so much.

And Lucifer…

Well, he could definitely be scary, but he’s clearly been through a lot and had a lot of anxiety on top of his fairly obvious depression. He’s probably been on his own for so long, and had been hurt so badly by his divorce, that he didn’t know how to show his emotions properly, or how to even act on them. He was so terrified of being rejected by his daughter that he’d rather reject himself so she wouldn’t have to.

He wasn’t very friendly when they first met, but he hasn’t been mean to her. When she fell asleep watching him work, he carried her to a more comfortable chair and not only gave her a blanket, but also set a pillow under her head so the armrest wouldn’t mess up her neck.

Lucifer was… kind, which is something she never expected from the King of Hell. But maybe that’s just because she never gave it or the old biblical stories much thought in the past. He was the devil, a fallen archangel, and yet- at the same time- he was so… human.

Fitting, considering it was he who gave humanity free-will in the first place.

“Two birds… on a wire~!” The brunette sang softly. “One~ says “come on” and the other says “I’m tired”. The sky is overcast… and I’m sorry…”

His eyes began to water, but when he tried to look away Eleanora moved to meet his gaze, careful not to let her smile fall.

“One more or one less… nobody’s worried. I’ll believe~ it all~! There’s nothing I won’t understand.” The corners of her eyes crinkled sweetly, and the blond king bit his bottom lip, staring into her sincere eyes, his emotions threatening to spill out in the form of tears. “I’ll believe… it all~ I won’t let go of your hand.”

She tugged him towards the dresser she set the gifts on and unlaced her fingers from his left hand, but didn’t let go as she lifted and rested that very same hand on the letter. Eleanora could feel his hand tense beneath hers, the man so deeply terrified of something that should be so simple.

“Two… birds… of a feather, say that they’re always~ gonna stay together.” Brown eyes glanced to the side to stare at the so-called devil king, and Lucifer lifted his head, desperation painting across his handsome reptilian features as he looked at her. “But one’s… never going~ to let go… of that wire. He says that he will, but…”

Eleanora paused, and Lucifer’s hand twitched against the letter.

She let her smile fall. “Is he just a liar?”

“…No.” Lucifer’s expression hardened. When he turned to face Eleanora this time, his crimson eyes were burning with determination. “He’s not.”

Picking up the box and letter, he took in a deep breath and then gripped Eleanora’s hand tight in his, surprising her when he began to march towards the door. His gloves sparked with magic, fixing the tears his teeth had made, hiding any and all blood that had been spilled.

“Let’s go find my daughter!”

Eleanora yelped as she had no choice but to take after him. “I-I wasn’t done with the song!”

“Doesn’t matter, you did good! We’re doing this! No take-backs!”

Well, that works out, she supposed. It’s a little… weird he’s still holding her hand, but... she doesn’t really want to bring it up. It was just a part of the song, but he seems to be taking it pretty seriously. If holding his hand is all it takes for him to actually talk to Charlie, then that’s fine with her.

She’d actually kind of like to be friends with Lucifer- even if said friendship is just another lie in the end and she’s bound to be forgotten and left behind.

Two birds… on a wire~!

It’ll be nice in the moment, and that’s what she wants to focus on.

One~ tries to fly away and the other~ watches him close from that wire! She says she wants to as well, but she~ is a liar…

There were a lot of twists and turns, and after a little too long of running Eleanora had to dig in her heels and ask the devil king to slow down, wheezing and struggling to catch her breath. He was visibly startled by her exhausted state, having not realized how fast he was making her run, and flashed her an apologetic smile as he waited for her to recover.

Two… birds… on a wire~!

Lucifer made himself walk after that, the nervousness starting to show now that the hotel lounge was in sight. All that was left was for them to head down the staircase. He looked at the woman beside him nervously, the anxiety making itself known now that they were actually here.

One tries to fly… away… and the other…

Eleanora gave him an encouraging smile, and giving his hand a small squeeze she gestured with her chin towards Charlie, who was sitting patiently in a chair, a large beaming smile on her round, very pretty face. Vaggie was standing beside her.

Lowering her voice to a whisper, Eleanora said, “Trust me.”

Then, without further adieu, began to guide the King of Hell down the staircase.

Hearing the footsteps, Vaggie looked up- only to gasp when she saw Lucifer beside the human woman. “What!? Why is-“

Eleanora was quick to hold a finger up over her lips, silently asking her to be quiet. Vaggie’s jaw dropped, and her expression only twisted more, brows furrowed in heavy confusion, when she saw the way Lucifer’s hand was entwined with hers. Charlie swayed in her seat, leaning towards her girlfriend excitedly. “What is it, Vaggie?”

“Uh, n-nothing!” She stammered. “The surprise is just… very… surprising?”

“Oooooh~! Does that mean I can open my eyes now!?”

“Not yet!” Eleanora rushed over upon hearing the question, panicking, and once they were both standing in front of the two women she tapped Lucifer’s hand.

The short king blinked, looking down with a befuddled face, only to jump, having not realized he was still holding onto her. He released the human, moving to hold onto the gift box and letter with both hands, and Eleanora grabbed Lucifer’s shoulders so he was in front and standing directly in front of his daughter. She gave Vaggie a thumbs up, and then directed it towards Lucifer, flashing him one last encouraging grin.

He was completely frozen, a smile plastered on his face in his fright.

“It’s okay.” Eleanora mouthed, “You got this. I’m here.”

Swallowing thickly, Lucifer nodded, and they turned to look at the blonde who was doing her absolute damndest to stay still and not open her eyes.

“Okay, Charlie…” Eleanora began, feeling her voice rise alongside the stress and excitement. “Open them!”

Charlie’s eyes snapped open so fast, it took a second for her to process what she was seeing. She stood up, alarmed. “Dad!?”

“Surpriiiise~!?” He made himself sing, while Eleanora threw her arms out from behind him, popping out to the side.

“Tad~ah~!”

“What… you…” She clearly did not know what to think, fumbling for words and pointing at the two adults. “Huh!?”

Vaggie smacked a hand to her face. “I said it was surprising…”

“Wait, hold on!” Charlie brought her hands to her face, looking at Lucifer and then Eleanora. “You… were with my dad? This whole time!?”

“Maybe? Anyways, not important!” The brunette jumped sideways and gestured to Lucifer, trying to focus everyone’s attention on him and what he was holding. “What is important is what he has to say!”

Charlie has never felt more lost, but turned her gaze back to her father anyway. He cringed a little as he smiled, lips spreading wide and his sharp teeth baring themselves to the world. “H-Hey, Charlie~! Sweetheart. We, uh, didn’t… r-really get to talk before, but, uh, hey! Hehe.”

An awkward pause.

Eleanora stepped closer as subtly as she could and tapped his boot with her shoe. He stiffened, and in an almost robotic fashion held the gifts out to his daughter. “H-Here! I… um… I-I was wondering, if… if… you aren’t… aren’t, um, y’know…”

As he struggled to get the words out, Charlie shared a look with Vaggie before reaching out to take the gift box from him, the young blonde woman holding the envelope up and observing it with both curiosity and confusion. There were several cutesy looking doodles on the paper that Eleanora definitely did not remember being there before. She could make out rainbows, hearts, Charlie’s name, and a duck.

“Busy? Uh… haha…” Lucifer was sweating.

Eleanora could feel the second-hand anxiety.

Deciding it was now or never, she rested a hand on Lucifer’s shoulder, causing him to inhale sharply and go silent, the man freezing in place. Eleanora flashed Charlie the sweetest smile. “Your dad was wondering if you were free sometime soon! He wanted to invite you over for tea. Maybe hear more about what you’re trying to do with the hotel?”

“Wait…” Her eyes widened, and she looked at her father in shock, unable to believe what she was hearing. Slowly, her features began to soften, her eyes welling up with tears. Charlie held the gift box close, pressing the unopened letter to her chest. “Really? You… actually want to spend time with me, Dad?”

Lucifer snapped out of his daze, hearing his daughter call out to him. “Y-Yes! Of course! Charlie, I-“

Lips curling back, he stepped forward, and Eleanora moved to stand beside Vaggie, quietly watching the scene take place.

“I always want to spend time with you. I just…” Lucifer hesitated, and after a moment looked away, ashamed of himself. “I didn’t… want to bother you.”

“Dad…” Charlie was fully crying now.

She practically threw herself on him, gift box in one hand and the letter in the other, as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and hugged him tight. Lucifer wasn’t much better, tears stinging his eyes as he curled his arms around his daughter’s back.

“I’d love to come over and talk! Do you have any idea how long I’ve been waiting for you to ask!?”

His lips curled back and he tightened his grip on her, squeezing his eyes tightly shut. “Charlie-!”

“I’ve missed you~!”

“I always wanted to know you~ and now I have this chance!” She pulled back, arms resting on his shoulders, as they gazed tearily into each other’s eyes, smiles on their near identical happy faces. “I won’t let it pass me by, so don’t you even try! Dad, I can’t wait to come over! I’ll have to start planning in advance~ what to tell you, of course, because there’s just so much to go over!”

Charlie let out a squeal, and Lucifer laughed in both anxious relief and overwhelming delight. She pulled him into another hug.

“I can’t wait!”

They stood there hugging for quite some time, to the point where Vaggie raised a brow and turned to Eleanora, who blinked and stared up at her. “What?”

Glancing at the father and daughter duo who were hugging and smiling through their tears, Vaggie grabbed the older human’s arm and dragged her over to the stairs so they could talk without disturbing them. Once there, she looked down at her with narrowed eyes. “How long have you two been planning this?”

“Huh? Oh…” The brunette made a face, looking up at the dusty ceiling and thinking about it. “Since, like… three or four am? He called me before I went to bed and… yeah. I suggested he write Charlie a letter, but he was having trouble so he kinda… kidnapped me?”

Vaggie no doubt was remembering them very specifically asking if she had been kidnapped, and looked at Eleanora in disbelief. “So… what? You were just at the King of Hell’s house… all night?”

Eleanora shrugged, trying not to think about what Vaggie could potentially be implying. “He needed help- and I like Charlie. She’s a sweetie.”

At that, Vaggie paused… then smiled and let out a soft chuckle, turning to gaze affectionately at her girlfriend who was now chatting happily with her father, opening the gift box and absolutely bouncing in excitement when she squeezed the rubber ducks just to see that they spat out rainbows and glitter confetti. They had adorable little ribbons tied around their necks. “Yeah… she is.”

The silver-haired woman looked back at the awkwardly smiling brunette, who was definitely wondering if she was in trouble and about to be kicked out of the hotel.

Thankfully, that was not what Vaggie was thinking. It was the furthest thing from it. “Thanks, El. I don’t know what you did to convince him to talk to her, but… you just made Charlie’s year.”

She choked. “H-Her year?”

“Charlie’s?” Vaggie laughed. “Ohhhh, yeah.”

Suddenly, the Princess of Hell called out, waving a hand at the two of them, one of her arms wrapped loosely around her short dad’s shoulders. “Oooh! Vaggie, Vaggie, come here! I didn’t get to introduce you last time!”

Now it was Vaggie’s turn to tense up and look awkward, having to face the most dangerous and deadly thing of all… the father-in-law. “O-Oh! Right! Of course. Um…”

She walked over and gave Lucifer a timid wave, mustering up a smile.

“Hi.”

Pulling away from Lucifer, Charlie set the rubber ducks and unopened letter down, moving to stand beside Vaggie and lift up one her hands, smiling down at her encouragingly before they both looked at the blond king, who was beaming brightly up at them. “This is~ Vaggie! She’s my girlfriend!”

Lucifer’s eyes practically bugged out of his head, and Eleanora cringed, realizing just now that he had no idea his daughter was a lesbian.

He seemed to take it fairly well, though… in the only way an awkward and formerly estranged father could.

“Oho, my golly! You like girls!” Lucifer laughed, resting a hand over his chest- his poor heart nearly jumping out of his ribcage from the surprise that his daughter was dating someone. He brought a hand to his cheek, then fervently gestured from himself to Charlie and back to him again. “Yes- well, uh- so do I! We have so much in common!”

He tossed his arms out, his panic evident with how quickly he was speaking.

“You put ‘er there, Maggie!” Vaggie reached out to shake his hand, not at all seeming perturbed he got her name wrong, only to yelp when he tugged her into an abrupt hug. “Welcome to the family! Ahaha! Ha! Yeah…!”

He released her and she stumbled back, laughing awkwardly herself. “L-Lovely to meet you! Uh, sir?”

“Call me Dad!”” Lucifer looked up at Charlie, praying she approved of him approving. “Sh-She’s so pretty! Hehe.”

Charlie flashed him a smile, wrapping an arm around Vaggie and pulling her close. She pressed a kiss to her girlfriend’s forehead, her red eyes shimmering with what was most certainly the purest form of love as she gazed down at Vaggie, who was deeply touched by Charlie’s affection. “Isn’t she?”

Eleanora remained standing by the staircase, silent and forgotten.

Okay, well… this looks like it’s going well. Eleanora nodded to herself, taking a step back up onto the staircase. They don’t… need me anymore, right?

Lucifer seems like he’ll do just fine on his own.

I’m just… gonna run away now.

She’s not part of the family, and she’ll just feel uncomfortable if she hangs around, bound to stand in a corner silently the entire time the three talk. Eleanora has spent the majority of her life as an extra forgettable wheel in her old so-called friend groups; she’s not about to continue that in Hell.

Besides, her job here is done.

Charlie and Lucifer… can only go up from here.

Seeing them, and Vaggie, happy was good enough for her.

Taking a deep breath, she turned around and started to quietly sneak her way up the staircase, doing her best to avoid the creaky steps. She had gotten halfway up when she suddenly heard a loud,

“Whoa! No, no, no! Where do you think you’re going!?”

By the time she looked behind her, Lucifer had already snatched her hand, having run up the stairs with incredible speed. The brunette was frozen, eyes wide as could be, baffled by the look he was giving her.

“No running out on me!” He exclaimed, voice a hushed growl. “You promised!”

“B-But you-“ Eleanora was so confused. “You’re doing great! You got this!”

Lucifer yanked her hand, and if he wasn’t right there to catch her, she might have fallen down the stairs. He lifted his face right up to hers, the brunette’s nose nearly touching where he should have one. “I do not got this! I am clearly panicking! I could say the wrong thing at any second! Please! Don’t…” His expression softened. “Don’t leave me on my own.”

Brown eyes gazed into pleading red, and as she stared at him, observing his facial features and taking note of the sheer intensity of his emotions, trying to pinpoint what it all was she was seeing, Eleanora started to have the strangest feeling that this was about more than just being afraid of talking to his daughter by himself.

Unfortunately, before she could say anything else or ask him about it, she heard Charlie calling out from her spot in the lounge,

“Dad!? El? Is… everything okay?” The blonde couldn’t hear what either of them were saying. “What’s going on!?”

Eleanora peered at the blond from over Lucifer’s shoulder, feeling his hand squeezing hers in a desperate search for encouragement, the devil king needing someone by his side. “Uh… nothing! Um…”

Frick. This probably looks super weird, doesn’t it?

“I, uh…” Should she bail or stay with him? It’s hard to run off when he looks so scared. “I was just-“

“Charlieeee~!” Lucifer sang, spinning on his heel and tugging the brunette down so she was standing beside him. “Sweetie! Sweetheart. I-I just didn’t want little Ellie here to sneak away before I could give credit where credit is due! Haha! Isn’t that right, Ellie!?”

“Credit?” She echoed, befuddled by his declaration. “What… credit? Credit for what?”

He didn’t answer, instead making his way down the staircase and taking her with him, his hand holding firmly onto hers. When they were in front of Charlie and Vaggie again, he tugged Eleanora close and held up the hand he was holding, flashing the human a wide grin. “You came up with the idea to gift Charlie the rubber duckies! I made them, but you came up with the idea!”

“Awww, is that true!?” Charlie gushed, squishing her hands against her cheeks. “El~ that’s so sweet! I can’t believe you really worked with my dad just to surprise me!”

“I-I was just- oof!”

Eleanora was not prepared to be tackled by the Princess of Hell. “Thank you, thank you, thank you~! I don’t deserve a friend like you!”

Wait, what?

“I’m so glad it was you who ended up down here!”

Charlie paused.

Loosening her grip, she pulled back and gave the stunned human an apologetic look. “I mean, I’m not glad you were forcibly summoned against your will or anything like that and are kinda stuck down here in Hell until we figure something out, but like- I’m glad it was you that was summoned? Because you’re super nice? Not that I’m glad you’re down here, or that I’m glad you’re down here, but I’m glad that it was you who ended up down here? I mean-“

Realizing Charlie was about to ramble herself into a stupor, Eleanora snapped out her shock and held her hands- and Lucifer’s, since he still hasn’t let go, like he was afraid she’d run away- up to try and calm her. “I-It’s all good! I got it! I… know what you meant.”

“O-Oh! Good.” Charlie smiled awkwardly and stepped back, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “I started to confuse myself a little, hehe. Uh…”

Her gaze landed on the hand Lucifer was holding.

Charlie’s red eyes flickered over to her father, who was smiling, focused solely on his daughter, to Eleanora, who was also staring at the blonde. “Well! We don’t… have anything super fancy we can prepare for dinner, Dad, and we only just started working on the hotel so we still have a lot of work to do to make it more… presentable, but… if you’d like to join us…” She raised her arms up in a hopeful shrug. “The offer’s there?”

“Abso~lutely!” Lucifer exclaimed, stepping forward and pumping the air with his free fist. He was grinning as wide as his face would allow, practically standing on his tiptoes. “I’d love to!”

Charlie clapped her hands together, beaming. “Great! Vaggie?”

The silver-haired woman was already heading up the steps, making her way to the kitchen to start cooking. “On it!”

“I’ll show you around in the meantime, Dad! Come on!” She waved him over, gesturing for him to follow her, tactfully deciding not to question why her father and the human she recently made a pact with were holding hands. “We’ve got so many plans for this place, just you wait! When it’s ready, maybe you can come over and have another look!”

In the end, Eleanora had accepted her fate, realizing she had somehow unintentionally become Lucifer’s emotional support human. But whether that was a good thing or bad…

She didn’t really know.

“Oooh,” Charlie squealed, waving her fists excitedly in the air, “I can’t wait until we get our first real resident! Today’s a great day! And I can just tell tomorrow is gonna be amazing, too!”

Eleanora also didn’t really know why Lucifer’s hand felt as nice as it did.

She just hoped no one would say anything weird about it.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel lucifer #hazbin hotel oc #hazbin lucifer x oc #lucifer x oc #lucifer morningstar #lucifer magne #dancing with the devil #hazbin hotel fanfiction #charlie morningstar #hazbin hotel vaggie #charlie x vaggie

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honeysuckle-venom · 4 months

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I'm taking an online writing class over the next six weeks. It starts tomorrow (though it's asynchronous) and I'm very, very nervous. I have a deep desire to write, and someday hope to publish a memoir, because there aren't enough modern voices talking about schizophrenia recovery via talk therapy. But I also have a lot of hangups around writing. I used to write a lot as a kid, and everyone around me considered me a very talented writer. My mom was a professional writer and had always been very clear that she and I shared a "gift." She always kind of took credit for my writing ability, which is sort of funny considering that's one of her main complaints about her own mother. My mom talked a lot about how talented I was and how I would be an amazing author one day, and she put a lot of pressure on me to write. She had really high hopes that she and I would one day write a book together, in fact, and a few times tried to start doing that with me, though by the time I was old enough to start working with her like that I was also old enough to have significant problems with her that kept us from getting very far. My desire to write in my spare time decreased as I got older, I think due to a combination of pressure, burnout, and increasing self-consciousness. And while I did write some fanfiction and some poetry in college, and took and very much enjoyed a playwrighting class in my senior year, I mostly stopped writing creatively by the time I was 20. I haven't finished a short story in nearly ten years. I'm out of practice, and my skills are deeply rusty. But it's more than that. People commenting on my writing ability can be really triggering for me. It just brings up all this really complicated past stuff with my mom. My therapist has been urging me to write for a long time, and I have very mixed feelings about that, which she is aware of. Every time she tells me I have a way with words and should be writing I'm simultaneously proud and somewhat triggered. In the past I couldn't stand to hear her say that, it would send me into a panic attack. These days I can handle it and sometimes appreciate it, but it also causes a certain amount of anxiety and discomfort.

Deep down I agree with her. I've always preferred expressing myself verbally, and I used to be a good writer, and it is important for me to have a medium to express myself, and writing is probably the best choice. Getting back into creative writing would probably ultimately be very good for me, and that's why I've decided to try to do it. But I'm also very afraid that it's not just that I'm rusty, it's that I've completely lost the ability to write and will never be any good again, even though that's unlikely and writing is a skill you can practice. Irrational or not, the idea of having entirely lost the ability still scares me. And underneath that is a much more complicated fear, a twisting shameful resentful terrified tangle of feelings about my mother and our relationship and our similarities and our past and our future. I can't even fully explain what about the concept of writing is so triggering, but it just brings up all of these feelings and memories from the past in a way that's really difficult for me.

And I was prepared to deal with that and push through it and take this class, but when I signed up a few weeks ago I wasn't in nearly as precarious a place as I am now. I wasn't psychotic, I was feeling relatively stable. In fact I was stable enough to be bored and seek a class for some mental stimulation. But now I'm back in psychotic survival mode, and I'm really nervous about trying to deal with this class at the same time. It'll be okay, even if all of my homework sucks the only person who will see it will be the teacher and it's not like I'm working towards a degree or anything. I'm doing this to help rebuild a skillset and for "fun." I just have to remember that I guess.

#text post #my post

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rattusn0rvegicus · 7 months

Text

Okay whatever I'm back because I want to talk about shit I don't feel comfortable talking about in detail on main. Hopefully I don't make a habit of this and/or start getting riled up about politics and internet discourse LOL.

Big CW for discussions of suicide below. I'm safe now, it's just Been A Few Weeks.

A bit of an update for those of y'all who don't follow my main: I came very close to killing myself a little over a week ago, and had everything very very planned out and put into place and just hadn't acquired the entirety of my method yet. I had notes ready to go and did a fuck ton of research. I wasn't even that depressed - well, I was, but I had motivation in spades and masked way too well. I mainly thought my existence was a glitch in the universe that caused other people to suffer, so I had to "remove the bug" per se in order to stop my loved ones from Dying, and Fucking Jeff (my stupid name for The Entity lol) was sending me signs and speaking to me... among other shit.

I woke up on the day I was supposed to do it feeling pretty okay. I had a sliver of hope, even. So I called my local peer respite house and they had a bed for me and I've spent the past week staying there. I had a lot of lovely conversations with the staff and made a bunch of art, genuinely a much more enjoyable place for me than the hospital haha.

I left and came back home yesterday. This is the first morning in weeks that I've woken up in my own home and done shit that WASN'T working on my plan.

I feel fucking weird, like I was supposed to die on that day but I didn't. For many days there was a part of me that was angry that I didn't do it. And then I thought maybe I DID die and was a ghost now. But now I'm feeling more at peace with my decision to not follow through, and more clear-headed to boot (though my brain simultaneously feels like mush lol)

I kinda believe that I'm in the "good timeline" and there are versions of me that died long ago but no matter what, I, in this timeline, will survive. You following? No? Good.

But yeah. I permanently deleted all my notes and the coordinates I was going to send the police and I threw away the part of my method that I HAD got. I can't undo the knowledge I gained, but I'm hoping that one day my state WILL pass the bill that allows you to literally ban yourself from being able to buy a gun. Because that shit may well save my life one day.

In the meantime I'm just doing everything I can to ensure I don't get to that place again.

#suicide tw #If you read all this thanks lol

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