#I’ve been having an existential crisis of late cause if I stay with my partner of 8 years it means I’m likely moving to Europe | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

driftwork · 1 year

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Monday night...A woman calls the version of herself in Tokyo, it's a late night phone call, a morning phone interrupting breakfast... romance and determinism (3)

So it's Monday late at night now, they are still in the hotel, the cleaners > decorators > cleaners > removers > deliverers > security people are starting on the house in that order. Tomorrow. I would like more of a non repressive state apparatus police this time. She smiles at him fondly, that's a good idea, though you should never say that to Jean or anyone else. I was thinking after Saturday that I can see how Tory she is this time, whereas last time I didn't know. And these versions, including us may still be more different than we think. We should be more careful than I want to be, she says. Perhaps, but even in this young body I know I have been living with you for thirty years, perhaps longer than the age of this body. He looks at her face frozen in thought and suggests to her that they can do better than last time, and experiment with being differently visible. She shrugs eloquently ((how did I end up here with a woman with such perfect shoulders and beautiful tattoo) and says; I still think we may need to run, take a line of flight away from this life, i would probably do that if I wasn't... He shrugs in turn, I know we should give ourselves a few weeks, a month before deciding. Besides, she says, we'll have less money as we have to share it with the Nomiko in Tokyo... I'll have to make more money i think. If we are to stay here, we need to offer them something. The only thing we have is what we did last time, persons, actions and things.

They speak of the differences between this place, this universe and the one they came from. The house, the injured people in the hospital. Jess being an inspector, which is very funny as she has staff. Her Doctor's appointment on Thursday. That she couldn't help smiling happily at seeing the police spy Nancy arriving to be her PA... We should clear those two desks for your future assistants. Assistants? Nancy queried. Yes, you will need a team, we will be very busy. They have relaxed and are becoming used to being here, both have been at work during the day, she has been in meetings with her business partners, accompanied by Nancy. The property, intellectual and otherwise she is bringing into the company. "Director of Security," her friend the CEO suggested as her title. It was nice seeing them young again... she added. He'd spent the day in similar meetings, taking a few cases. Interviewing people. sending a surveillance team... Being introduced to his PA, the woman who would surveil him for as long as they felt they needed to. Hello. Could you get these ongoing case files, we'll be raising a warrant for use on Thursday. He told his PA.

Also, the sexuality feels strange. I remember being in my fifties, in my sixties, "decades older" and now I'm in my thirties looking at your thirty year old body and... I'm the same, I have this young body again, you have as well and whilst I'm looking at you through my old mind my body is running on the hormones of my thirty year old body. We are both the same, when I see you in underwear or naked, I... My old self had less hormones, less physical sexual desire. I'm used to being the only one who really desires your body, back there that was increasingly the case, then of course, if they weren't scared of you. Oh fuck, is this the existential crisis you were thinking of ? She queried. He laughed, no this is me confessing love or perhaps its desire. No need, I've always known that, since Tokyo. Our bodies have become younger whilst my mind is decades older. Last time when I found I was pregnant, I missed the Luminous cubes in top of the skyscrapers in Osaka, the Kirin Plaza, I imagined being there with you. Blazing a trail across the city. But then we weren't quite used to never being able to travel to see the medieval towers of Bologna, the plazas of Venice, the suburbs of Shanghai... It's taken me a few days to recognize that hormones+you+desire are randomly causing this. Pointing... I think physical desire has caught up with us.. Its strange how we aren't in an existential crisis over the girls. That's why I think we are copies, she says, slightly edited to ensure that we can survive this. Yes, to do whatever the universe wants us to do. Since we don't know what it is we should just... It could be a rationalization to live in this situation. Not with these bodies, it's simply not possible to lose years like this. True, she says, no amount of surgery could do this. What do we do ? The threats are going to be different. We should be cautious and build defenses. One thing we cannot do better is her. Putting his hand on her stomach. Suki was and is perfect, And if we forget ? The universe doesn't need to be that cruel, after all if it knows anything it surely knows we are on its side. What are you doing tomorrow? Some more meetings, some pitches for work. Drawing up a proposal and a contract for the safe house work... The Hotel Riga is available, I'm going to review tomorrow and take it over on wednesday.

How to speak to my other self, that person in East Tokyo, the one who didn't come here. How will that young woman react to seeing me, herself and you? Am I there? I think so. In what was my house there, all white walls, stone and wood. I never saw that place I imagine I would have staff there, surveillance staff imposed on us.... A late night phone call, a morning phone call interrupting a breakfast in Tokyo. She wonders why the woman in Tokyo stayed, did she accept sacrifice? can she ask. how could she stay there, whilst she had to run. How could the other version of him stay there with the other her, whilst they had ended up here. It's late at night, he is making espresso and tea. Determined she thinks to make his new body function the same as the old one... He turns and looks at her. I wonder if your mother will spy on Suki and Us like before ? Since we are not singular things anymore, like this piece of paper, this tin box, this light bulb. I have no idea.

It's time the connection is made. Hello Kim Nomiko, let me introduce myself, my name and identity is Kim Nomiko. Though I call myself Park. Call me Park. The video finally connects. A woman in Japan looking at the video visibly pales. Best to sit down Sam, she says in London in English. She reaches over and pulls her Sam into the shot. Park looks at her Tokyo self. Her Tokyo self looks at the two of them. There are a few things to say, in this conversation. We really are identical. This Sam, is mine (she smiles, gesturing at the man sitting next to her) we are going to get married. This person is pregnant. Pointing at herself. We live here and are going to stay here, unless we are forced to run, which is still possible. She pauses, Sam sitting beside her is thinking how extraordinary it is that they look so alike. She ignores him knowing what he is thinking and continues. I don't know what you are like. I'd like to know but don't know if we can ever meet. I think Sam, this tired looking Sam next to me would like to know as well. The woman in Japan turns and away and gestures and calls to someone off screen. The woman in Tokyo is calling him over, (We understand this is difficult and later we can perhaps talk about how we have no idea how we got here. She pauses and repeats herself. I know this is difficult so let me speak and you can react later.) Much else was said as the singularities collide. More communication, exchange of looks, horror as the recognition of self. Eventually Park said I expect you to be angry, I ask for your forgiveness. I hope ultimately that you don't mind, as it's a fait accompli. Ultimately I would like half of our reserves, that is to say of the money in europe. Anything outside of Europe I am not interested in. If this is too much for you we can negotiate. Some things are not negotiable, the money already taken, some additional capital and that I'll be working at Kwabarti. Oh and him, gesturing at Sam. The rest well all right. The woman in Tokyo is looking at her face in London and finds herself smiling at herself. There is something nice talking to another version of yourself... That's the serious stuff. we can discuss the implications of our sudden appearance once you've recovered from the shock. Not much more we can say about us. It is impossible for us to say this gently. Sue and our brother Kenji were shot, we rescued them, saved them and they are in hospital. We have put some precautionary measures in place. Sam moved closer into shot and said; We, that is to say us can find them. However we need to know if that is what you want. I'm asking in case they were shot in some sense by you. If so then tell us now and we'll stop hunting them down. Park looked at him, from Tokyo they could see the right profile of her face. I didn't think of that, she says. Nomiko in Tokyo says - It wasn't me, Kenji and I are getting on quite well of the moment. I have no idea who would attack them like this. That's good, we'll tell you when we find them. Park is looking thoughtfully at the screen, whilst we are you, also we are singularities, the implications of this difference, this divergence is that I don't know when we diverged or how. Perhaps not that much, pointing at the two men. I was thinking that. He said in London.

So where do you come from ? We have no idea. I imagine that its a bifurcation at tokyo.exe. but it might be before. She looks at the slightly worried expression on their faces in Tokyo. Shakes her head, Sam looking at their faces on the screen. Compare your histories, Imagine two of you. Nudging her. Hence the difference between us. But we have no understanding of the way or the reasons why we moved from that universe to this one. Or at least the part of us that moved, Sam said, of course we have no explanation and no idea who to ask. Also we are a little shaken up by this, she interjected - as he said we have no explanation and no idea who to ask. She shrugs if our living was more stable I might react badly. This baby will be called Suki. We should be in existential crisis mode but don't have time and have lived with so many crises, so many threats that its, for us, almost like breathing. Every time I feel like I am about to fall over, that I want to fall over, I remember that I cannot. Get people you trust to surveil us, investigate, phone us etc. You'll probably need more allies then before. He was looking intently at the people in Tokyo as he spoke. We chose exile. I presume we are genetically identical, but diverge because of our personal histories. The voice from Tokyo says. We also chose exile, but someone told my mother to ally with Kenji to protect us. Who? Park asked...

and now its Tuesday and they go to sleep...too many words

#determinism #fiction #London Story #series 2

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alittlebitgoofy · 3 years

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if i had my way i would be yours chapter five (taywhora)

fuck ME this chapter kicked my ass but i’m gonna go insane if i go over it any longer so here it is, the long awaited chapter with some smut. it’s the last scene if you want to skip it, the rest is clean

ao3 link

Tayce felt like she was floating on air when A’whora got close to her. Her heart couldn’t handle the cuteness of her roommate in their affectionate moments. She had no idea what she did, innocently cuddling into her as friends did.

Because they were just friends. Only friends and nothing more. And it totally wasn’t eating Tayce up inside with every moment she realised that. Not at all.

A’whora herself was just glad to have her friend back, living without Tayce in close proximity was so strange, she loved the way the brunette always kept things interesting in their flat. There was always something going on with her and even when there wasn’t she made something happen. Somehow trying to relax and watch a movie turned into a gossip session, rife with giggles and stories of stupid things no one else would find as funny. But it made them laugh until their faces hurt. Because they were together.

A’whora took Tayce’s coming out as a chance to bond over something different. She introduced Tayce to small bits of queer culture at a time, though she’d absorbed a lot through being best friends with a lesbian for years and having their whole circle of friends being part of the LGBT.

“How do I know this will scream I like women?” she’d questioned while A’whora helped her with outfits for a night out. The pair were determined to make sure Tayce had a good first experience at a gay bar while out. She was wearing a pair of black skinny jeans, a similarly dark flannel shirt, and a leather jacket. She could not have looked more gay if she tried, though the way the jeans clung to her ass made A’whora rethink agreeing to help her with everything. How was she so hot? She would look so good under her clothes, what A’whora could give to rip that flannel off her and-

She needed to sort herself out before they left. Her feelings, how hot Tayce was and alcohol was a dangerous combination. She could hold herself together if only Tayce would stop looking so good.

---

They were late to get there, they always were with Tayce’s lack of time management and A’whora having to spend hours getting ready for anything. It was a bad combination but that didn’t motivate them to fix it, plus people were used to Tayce being late, including A’whora because they were attached at the hip.

They joined Bimini and Asttina once they got inside, Lawrence and Ellie joining soon after.

“So what actually happened? She was fuming, you were having communication issues and now it’s all fine? You two never cease to amaze me.” Asttina got right to the point, an eyebrow raised as A’whora gave a nervous smile

Tayce felt relaxed by the alcohol in her system, though neither her nor A’whora were particularly drunk; they were a fun level of tipsy, giggling amongst themselves much to their friends' chagrin. A’whora was joking about something, Tayce found it hard to focus on her speech with how cute she was. Her dimples showed as she smiled, laughing at her own joke.

“Tayce? Are you even listening! That was really funny!” She whined, poking Tayce in the shoulder to get her attention, pouting as she got an eye roll in response.

“Maybe if it was that funny I would have listened.” Tayce quipped back, holding back a laugh as A’whora whined even more.

“You’re such a bitch, why are we even friends?”

“Because, someone has to put up with you. Figured I'd give the world a favour.” Tayce smirked, delighting in the huff that the blonde let out before taking another sip of her drink.

“Tayce!”

“I’m kidding, you’re sweet if not a bit annoying sometimes, it’s what I love about you, you know that, dumbass”

“Yeah, I am pretty loveable.” A’whora bounced back quickly from her annoyance, her chest warming at the compliment. She tried to play it off, flicking her hair in an overdramatic show of confidence.

“Your ego isn’t” Tayce deadpanned, erupting into laughter as A’whora gasped, hand on her chest in exaggerated shock.

“You’re cute, don’t let it get to your head though.” Tayce wondered if it was the alcohol giving her the confidence to say what she thought. A’whora could react in any kind of way but she didn’t care.

“You’re not so bad looking yourself, still a bit of an ass though.”

“You say that like you’re not the biggest cunt I've ever met.”

“Well, you are what you eat.” The blonde grinned as Tayce shook her head at the comment. She delighted in shocking her and causing reactions,

“You’re disgusting oh my god.”

“What? You’ll discover how good it is soon enough. I know it’s been a minute but you’ll find a girl to show you soon.”

“Aurora please stop talking about my lack of a sex life.” Tayce shook her head, for all that she loved about her A’whora did not have a way with words. She was open to a fault and found it hilarious how squeamish Tayce would get when she got explicit. She could handle most of it after a while but the way she would switch mid-conversation was something too unpredictable to deal with.

Despite all that, she was still adorable in the way she burst into giggles at Tayce’s plea, agreeing while trying to compose herself.

“What are you two laughing about, it must be something hilarious to have her laughing like a diseased seal.” Lawrence interrupted them, though Tayce was thankful that A’hwora couldn’t go further with her comments. She wasn’t drunk enough to deal with it yet.

“Wouldn’t you lovebirds like to know? You two been shagging in the toilets or something? Haven’t seen you since you came in here.” Tayce looked them up and down, noticing the lipstick slightly smudged. They’d been getting up to something, it was obvious by the way Lawrence stammered trying to respond with a quip and failing. Ellie stood silent, shaken by how perceptive Tayce could be.

A’whora had no such reaction, laughing harder as they stood slack-jawed and hanging onto Tayce in a feeble attempt to calm herself.

“At least they’re finally doing something about it, watching them fumble around their feelings while ignoring any possibility of mutual feelings was just painful.'' A'whora shook her head, delighting in the way Tayce snickered, nodding emphatically in agreement. She internally sighed in relief that Lawrence was still in shock and didn’t notice the way she looked at Tayce when she laughed.

She didn’t need them pulling attention to her feelings.

Not when she could barely hold them in.

“What is it with everyone tonight? Bim and Asttina are all over each other, have a bit of class you hounds!” Tayce exclaimed, shaking her head in mock judgement at the couples. Part of her still didn’t love seeing people in a situation she found almost impossible but it was easier now, as if the weight had finally been lifted when she came out to A’whora. It felt good to be understood, to have someone so attuned to you they knew what was happening and exactly what she needed. Tayce shifted, perhaps it was the alcohol but she couldn’t help but think she didn’t deserve how lovely A’whora was. Though no one did, she was perfect, too good for the world she lived in.

She ached to verbalise it, pull the blonde close, and whisper how much she adored her, though Lawrence and Ellie were still there and they were in public. She just wanted to give affection but it didn’t come easy. Maybe with some time?

The scots seemed more interested in each other than whatever light conversation had happened between the four of them, something must have been in the air to explain the way their companions split off into pairs, interested in no one else than their partners.

Tayce wished she could be one of them, hold A’whora close and press soft kisses to her as the alcohol broke down her barriers, leaving her a melted putty in A’whora’s hands.

“What’s got you thinking so hard? Is everyone pairing off making you have an existential crisis or something?” A’whora jabbed lightly, Tayce letting out a laugh at the comment. She didn’t know how to respond, it wasn’t easy to communicate your feelings to your roommate, the fear it would make things unfixable between them heavy on her heart after their previous spat. It wasn’t worth the risk, not to lose her.

“I just think it’s funny how they paired up. Lawrence and Ellie used to mope with us about being single while Bims was the only one with any balls to say something to someone they liked. Now it’s just us two.” Tayce mused, feeling a hand take her own and give it a slight squeeze. A’whora stared at her, smiling softly. IT was an innocent gesture that sent her reeling further. She really had no idea the power she had in making Tayce feel like she was floating at any sign of affection.

“It’ll happen to us eventually, you’ve only just come out there’s no need to rush things, no matter who you date.”

“Thanks, Rory. You’ve been really helpful with all of this.” Tayce’s softer tone told the blonde everything she needed to know. Her words were tender, heartfelt. It was a rarity for Tayce to be so open, it felt good.

No words had to be exchanged. Maybe something was different, they stayed close, Tayce’s hand stayed held by A’whora’s own. Tayce felt a warmth envelop her body that couldn’t have been the alcohol. The way A’whora looked at her just added to it, something playful in her eyes as she smiled at Tayce as if she’d done anything more than sitting there and melt over her pretty roommate.

“Shit, I think everyone is going to do their own thing, Tayce, maybe we should go?”

“Yeah, I was getting kind of bored of watching them almost fuck in a bar. Takeaway?” Tayce asked, smirking as A’whora’s eyes lit up at the suggestion.

“You read my mind.”

---

“You good there, Rory?” Tayce watched her roommate distractedly attempting to put some chips in her mouth and failing, blinking in surprise at Tayce calling her attention. She shrugged, the alcohol had mostly faded and she was too busy trying to distract herself with anything that wasn’t Tayce’s current state of dress. She’d complained of being too hot, stripping into a bra, and still in her jeans. It drove a’whora insane to look at. She couldn’t hold herself in if she looked for too long. Though she turned to Tayce as she spoke, soon coming to regret her decision.

“You like what you’re seeing?” Tayce felt A’whora’s eyes on her, mouth agape. She wanted to mess with her, winking. Internally she was delighting in the way she blushed at the comment. Was she always this easy to rile up? It was probably the alcohol but they both felt pretty sober now. Something about having the blonde unable to take her eyes off her was enchanting. It made her heart speed up, something fluttering in her chest but something else she wasn’t so used to. Something churning below, a desire for a certain someone she was finding harder to contain by the minute.

“You should put a shirt on,” A’whora muttered out meekly, unable to verbalise much of anything above a pitiful whine. She couldn’t do this, not with Tayce being so hot and her being so pent up. It had been too long, she just wanted to hold someone and make them scream in pleasure. She wanted to know what Tayce would sound like mid climax, would she squeal? Breathe heavily? A’whora pegged her as a quieter person, letting out low moans and grunts as she was pleasured. She wanted to test it, see what would make her squirm and-

Fuck.

She was too horny to be dealing with this.

“What if I didn’t? Would it drive you insane if I took this shirt off? You wanna see my tits, don’t you, you absolute hound.” Tayce eyed her up like a predator staring at its prey. The way she licked her lips while maintaining eye contact sent A’whora. She couldn’t handle it anymore. She crawled over, placing Tayce’s box of chips on the side before unhooking her bra. Tayce let out a hum of curiosity, nodding to signal A’whora to keep going.

This was far too interesting not to watch. The way A’whora’s eyes stayed trained on her chest, flickering up to gauge Tayce’s reaction every time she did something. With another nod she went further, hands cupping Tayce’s breasts, thumb running over her nipples, and delighting in the way Tayce’s breath hitched. She kept at it, Tayce letting out small noises at the action. Something was about to happen, they both knew it. It was the last chance to bail out before they ended up doing it and Tayce just nodded once more, eyes serious as she smiled at the blonde.

A’whora took the go-ahead, pulling her into a searing kiss. Tayce could feel her lust in the way she grabbed at her hair, lightly pulling it to steer her into where she wanted. Tayce followed her instincts, letting her lips trail down A’whora’s cheek and feeling herself wetten at the noises she let out.

A’whora was loud, she knew that already but to be causing those noises and seeing her squirm was doing something to Tayce. She couldn’t hold herself back. She had to close the distance between their lips as A’whora let out a soft moan.

“We should take this to the bedroom,” A’whora spoke quietly, not sure how much she could get out without Tayce getting more noise out of her.

Tayce nodded, following A’whora as she pulled her into her room and lightly pushed her down onto the bed. She couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow as she got on top of her, hovering about her body as she pulled her into another lustful kiss.

Tayce tried to get the same rise out of A’whora, running her hands all over her body. Grasping at her tits as A’whora had before. Something had shifted in her the second they hit that mattress. Her eyes sparkled with something that sent a shiver down Tayce’s spine. She knew exactly what she wanted and wouldn’t focus on anything else.

She wanted Tayce, and she was going to get her.

A’whora took the lead, her hands exploring the body beneath her as Tayce groaned in pleasure. The sound encouraged her more, snaking her hands down to where her jeans were still on, unzipping them, and helping Tayce out of them. A few fingers fell to her underwear, rubbing through it to see where she was and delighting in the soft whine Tayce let out.

A thought crossed her mind about making her beg for it, drawing something out of Tayce that she’d never seen but it wasn’t the right time for that. She just wanted to make her feel good, they could play around next time.

Tayce didn’t know how to deal with the pleasure erupting through her body. She muffled a moan into her hand at how well A’whora seemed to know what she was doing. Every flex of her fingers sent ripples through Tayce. She was helpless against her touch and could only let out low moans begging for more.

A’whora blessed her, speeding up her fingers. Tayce threw her head back, shamelessly letting out a loud groan at how good it felt. She couldn’t help but melt against her roommate's touch. Something about her was so good, it was better than anything Tayce had ever felt.

If this was what sex was like, she’d never want to go to anyone else.

She wanted to pull A’whora into another kiss but her body had made another decision, her mind clouded only able to focus on the building feeling of irrepressible pleasure.

A’whora felt her building up, speeding herself up and pressing kisses to Tayce’s thighs, suppressing a smirk at how she gasped at the feeling. She removed her fingers slowly, pressing her mouth to her slick cunt. Tayce let out an uncharacteristically high whine as her tongue hit all the right spots. She squirmed against

Tayce let out the sound again, lasting longer as she climaxed, A’whora moved back to her fingers to lull her out of it before crawling up to cuddle Tayce as she laid back, recovering from it all.

“What about you?” Tayce hummed, her tone thick with tiredness. A’whora wanted to laugh at how easily she was wiped out but thought better of it. She was too cute like this, a dopey grin playing on her features as she was still running off the high from her orgasm.

“I’m alright, I just wanted to make you feel good. You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that.” A’whora shrugged, her chest warming as Tayce scooted closer to curl into her arms.

“Me too.” The dopey smile returned, Tayce’s words warm with affection in a way that made the blonde’s heart soar.

Tayce didn’t say much more, passing out with her head on A’whora’s chest, held close by her arms. This was it, all she wanted. A’whora savoured the moment before succumbing to her fatigue, smiling as she heard a muffled “gnight Rory” on the brink of consciousness.

#taywhora #rpdr fanfiction #if i had my way i would be yours

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dotthings · 4 years

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So let’s talk about Cas’s issues, and how they hit that nerve of Dean’s insecurities.

I feel like Dean’s personal issues get discussed a lot (by myself included), both from a Dean-positive take and from the pressure placed on this character in a more negative way. There’s a lot of expectation placed on Dean as a character and ironically enough, in that process I feel like even Cas fans don’t do enough digging into what makes Cas tick, what his weak points are, his fears, his cyclical dysfunctional hang-ups. Cas is a layered, complicated, well-developed character with a now 12 season history on the show, as a main character, even if he is less prominent than Sam and Dean, and as such this means there are flaws as well as goodness in him. It does Cas a disservice to paint him as never wrong, as never causing hurt to those he loves. I’m not speaking as a Dean fan here, but as a Cas fan, this just isn’t about fairness to Dean, I feel there is an actual imbalance in how these discussions tend to go and it’s kind of a habitual tendency in the fandom. In part fueled by the fact that Dean is so open with his feelings, shows that he feels things SO hard and so deeply, that’s the character, and that kind of makes Dean a lightning rod to talk about Dean feelings, good or bad.

Canonically, Cas tends to get less pov due to structure, when Cas isn’t in every ep of a season and where SPN structurally puts Sam and Dean as the center spokes of the wheel, no matter how near the center Cas is of that show wheel. Cas has become another core pillar--Dabb referred to Cas along with Dean as a “core character” in his pre 15.09 interview. But because logistically, Dean still carries more pov on the show, we get more looks into Dean’s mind than into Cas’s. Which isn’t as great for Dean fans as you might think because by SPN not giving more Cas pov, it’s putting more and more of the responsibility for making the profound bond work onto Dean and Dean’s pov. While Cas has contributed plenty to this rift that developed.

There’s also the thing about the fandom default perception is that Dean is repressed emotionally. Which, sure, in many respects, yeah. But not in the way it’s popularized in fandom. Dean is actually the more facile, open, raw, vulnerable in expression of his emotions, with big outbursts, of hurt/anger or softness. He goes big. He expresses. He cries easily. He doesn’t exactly hide. He wears his heart on his sleeve. But because Dean is also a character who constructed facades to survive, he puts on facades and one facade is "no chick flick moments.” A facade I’ve pointed out again and again he’s terrible at maintaining, nonetheless it is real and he can be gruff and he does at times try to hide from his own feelings, and avoid, and struggles not to say stuff and then it gets out anyway. But he’s also very openly emotional.

While Cas is actually far more locked up emotionally as a character. Far more repressed than Dean. Look at his background. Millennia as an angel. Shoved back through the angel reprogramming machine every time he displayed an independent thought. Angels have emotions. They are not unfeeling. But they are taught emotions are weaknesses. They are a taint. They are dangerous. A lot of Cas’s arcing over the past 11 years has been about learning what emotions are and how to manage them. Even if we remove that factor, Cas also has a personality of his own, as a character, and is a survivor of trauma and abuse, as Dean is. Cas, like Dean, carries a lot of anger.

Cas is impulsive. Sometimes heedless. Ironically, he often pulls Dean back from heedlessness. But he has that tendency and Cas’s heedlessness tends to result in cosmic level events (leviathans unleashed, angels falling). He has a temper. He will end you if you hurt those he loves. Cas in the past has shown a hubris about how he has to fix all the things because these frail humans he loves can’t, Dean’s “just a man,” and while Cas definitely outgrew that, there are remnants still there. Which isn’t JUST hubris. Cas, being an abuse and torture survivor, being a survivor of emotional neglect, similarly to Dean, also has, similarly to Dean, this thing about needing a mission, a purpose. He needs to be needed. And if he isn’t serving a purpose, if he feels he isn’t being useful, then he feels worthless. The Dean corollary to that is Dean’s lack of self worth in what his father instilled in him--that he has no purpose, no mission, outside of protect Sam, and the hunt.

This need for purpose and Cas’s insecurities powered a lot of his arc with Jack. Cas’s relationship with Dean evolved over time. They didn’t stay just the same. In some ways the bond equalized in good ways, but as part of that, Cas was no longer the “Winchesters’ guardian” of early Cas seasons. That role gave Cas purpose. As Cas drew deeper and deeper into the family, as his character developed and he increasingly got his own arcs, which are all good things, that also meant Cas wondered what his purpose is.

Protecting Jack gave him purpose. A mission. Someone to look after. His relationship with Dean isn’t that. That hit a height with “draped yourself in the flag of Heaven” at the end of S9. By S11 the focus shifted to Dean’s drive to save Cas. Dean and Cas’s relationship is that of peers, fellow soldiers, friends, and yes, on a coded level that’s been harder and harder to ignore in later seasons, lovers/husbands.

Cas devoting himself all to Dean wasn’t sustainable. Just as Dean couldn’t perpetually be all about Sam, but while Dean and Cas are more peers/husbands role, Dean is Sam’s stand-in parent. Dean was parentified at the age of four. Sam as recently in 15.09 says Dean raised him. Sam knows his actual father figure is Dean, not Bobby, not John. There’s a whole lot about Sam and Dean’s relationship that made a lot more sense to me once I kept that in mind, that symbolically they were parent/child not just siblings/hunting partners. (Their codependency added another complication into the mix) That is not the relationship Dean and Cas have ever had. They are protective of each other. But it’s not a pseudo parent-child relationship. Nor are they codependent. But Dean always had a Sam, while Cas...did not have a Sam. Dean wasn’t his Sam, once he found a Dean. Dean was something else entirely. Not less, but different.

Enter Jack and while I was resistant to that arc initially, in the long game I can see multiple overarching purposes for the story. One of them is Cas’s character development. While the Cas and Jack bond isn’t just like Sam and Dean’s, and I’m not suggesting it is, it has that similar pseudo parent-child aspect. Jack is all of Team Free Will’s kid, but I think the way Jack impacted Cas’s arc made the most seismic shifts.

The thing about this S15 rift with Dean and Cas is that it’s not really about Dean’s existential crisis about “realness.” It’s not actual about Mary or Jack or that freakin’ snake. Well, it is...I’m not suggesting Dean had no valid reason to be hurt and upset with Cas. That is real. But this was ramped up as a culmination of years of issues. It mashed Dean’s buttons so hard because these are reflective of cyclical behaviors that come from Cas and it hurts Dean every time. Underlying all that, maybe subtextually, Dean’s doubts about realness played into it here as well. But the doubts, fears, insecurities, and hurts Dean feels about Cas are there regardless. Chuck applied pressure points to hasten the rift. To rip them apart because that serves his purpose but all he did was play on their actual insecurities and feelings and then watch them dance to his tune.

One of Dean and Cas’s issues has been things that have been there a long time, in the relationship, where Dean’s chronic issues play on Cas’s insecurities and Cas’s chronic issues play on Dean’s insecurities. There’s a bunch I could reel off. Dean’s abandonment issues vs. Cas’s tendency to keep things from Dean, not turn to Dean, not trust Dean, for one. This is something Cas has done for years, long before Jack, and it hurt Dean then and it hurt Dean now. Just for example.

I feel like what happened late S14/early S15 is that all these long running issues they never addressed came crashing down on the bond at once.

The things that are Cas’s issues, Cas hasn’t talked much about. Cas doesn’t talk about his innermost emotional landscape the way Dean does. Sometimes he does speak his feelings, but I wish he’d do it more often.

The things Cas has done in the past that hit on Dean’s abandonment issues all got ramped up with Jack. And it happened more than once. Why is Dean so hurt. Look at how he responds to Cas keeping things from him, or to losing Cas, or to Cas not reaching out to Dean, trusting Dean enough to go to him in the past. How hard that has been on Dean. Take your pick of plots. Cas teaming up with Crowley. Cas and the monster souls. Cas running off with the angel tablet.

With Jack there was a string of events. It wasn’t just the one thing. This isn’t my condemnation of Cas or because I don’t get Cas’s motivations and good intentions. Or about Cas being right/wrong. Right or wrong, his actions still hurt Dean. Being a parent added such a completely new layer into Team Free Will bonds, the TFW familial unit shifted. Change can be hard on a relationship anyway.

Quick recap of the sequence of events with Cas and Jack: it was Cas slipping away from Dean as Cas devoted himself to a nephilim in embryo. When Cas bonded with Jack’s grace in the womb. When Dean said he didn’t recognize Cas. There was Cas’s belief in the vision Jack showed him. It was Kelly giving Cas a mission to protect her son. Cas, like Dean, feels a strong sense of duty. Remember Dean’s S2 speech when Sam died? How Dean expressed the depth of his sense of failure? “I had one job, to keep you safe.” And by the end of S14, Cas lost Jack. He had one job. To keep Jack safe.

Cas pretty much thinks he’s worthless without that, same as Dean.

So there’s Cas, taken by Kelly after Dean was begging him--begging him--to return to the bunker with them so they could talk. While Kelly effectively prevented Cas from taking the action he might have done of his own volition since she drove off in the Impala with Cas still inside it and he couldn’t stop the car without hurting her and her unborn child, the element of choice there is murky. But Cas did choose to protect Jack. He did choose to knock out Sam and Dean at the playground. There’s Dean, as he has in prior seasons, seeing Cas walking away again.

Then it happens again. Cas heedlessly goes after Lucifer, when he should have waited, Cas was so focused on his Jack mission, and as a result, Lucifer stabs Cas dead, right in front of Dean’s eyes. So Dean loses Cas again, and audience gets to see Dean is utterly devastated (but Cas doesn’t).

But then Dean gets Cas back! His big win...which Dean confesses to Sam but again, Cas doesn’t get to hear it. And then right after getting Cas back, Cas is running off again, due to Jack. Dean begs Cas--BEGS HIM--let me come along, you need backup and Cas says no. Because Cas has to fix all the things himself. So Cas gets kidnapped and locked in an angel proof cell. Dean doesn’t even know he’s lost Cas this time due to voice mimicky plot, but there it is again, Dean loses Cas, again for Jack. Then Cas keeps that detail about Felix the snake from Dean, which wasn’t right for Cas to do, to be so secretive. Whatever his intentions, no that wasn’t right, and it goes right back to Cas’s tendencies shown in earlier seasons. To fix the thing himself. Anael calls Cas on it, even. His fears. Which leads to Cas finally going to Sam and Dean with the information. Cas apologizes and confesses, explains in a rare moment of us actually getting to see inside Cas’s emotional landscape that he was scared what Jack losing his soul would do to tear this TFW family apart. What Cas would lose because of that. A hella lot of that is about Dean, not just TFW or Jack.

None of this has ever been Cas not caring about Dean. Cas was there for Dean in S14. He fought to save Dean, first from Michael, then the Ma’lek box. But Dean and Cas don’t exist in a profound bond bubble.

Dean doesn’t even know yet that Cas sold himself to The Empty to save Jack midway through S14. Should we start screaming now?

So after Cas’s confession and apology late in S14 about what Jack did to the snake that Cas didn’t clue in Sam and Dean about, Mary is dead, because of soulless Jack, and all hell breaks loose with Jack, and Dean believes the only way out of this with soulless Jack is to kill soulless Jack. Cas doesn’t agree. Dean delivers an ultimatum, my way or the highway and who cares what you think (bad move, Dean). So to save Jack and Dean, because if Dean shot Jack with Chuck’s gun, it would kill Dean too, Cas runs off to get to Jack first.

From Dean’s perspective he’s seing Cas’s back again, leaving him again. Losing Cas again.

Think about how this steps on the same nerves as Cas’s vanishing acts in earlier seasons, or Cas walking into the lake, or Cas staying behind in Purgatory when Dean did everything he could to save him. Think about Dean’s abandonment issues. Think about how Dean’s abandonment issues and this repeat cycle of Cas’s inherent tendency to not get that he should loop his family into things, that he can’t fix it all on his own, of leaving, even if he always comes back. And no we can’t blame Cas for the times he left when he didn’t want to, when something happened to Cas, but when he vanished into the lake in 7.01, when he insisted on staying behind in Purgatory in S8, when he heedlessly went pell mell after Lucifer--Dean losing Cas was a direct result of Cas’s choices. Where Cas put himself into a position where Dean lost him.

This has happened again...and again. Imagine the heart-crushing heartbreaking panic for Dean during their Purgatory revisit when Cas disappeared. It’s Dean having to relive his Cas trauma. Because guess what, Dean loves Cas a lot. I don’t know how this even became in question in fandom, it continues to utterly baffle me.

So it’s not really about Jack though. I’m not blaming the Jack storyline for this. What happened was the Jack storyline brought those issues to a boiling point. Cas’s insecurities and drive to have a mission. Dean’s abandonment issues clashing with Cas’s running off again. Repeatedly.

What’s going to happen when Dean finds out about The Empty deal, and not just the deal itself but the fact Cas kept that, too, from him. I don’t think it will be rage this time. Not after 15.09. It will however, I suspect, be utterly devastating for Dean...maybe this time he won’t snap at Cas, he’ll just say how devastating it is, before he and Sam get to work on a solution. And Cas will have to witness how devastating it is. Cas hearing Dean’s prayer in 15.09 is such a big deal and I really really hope this hit Cas hard and woke him up to some things. Because with all of Cas’s particular insecurities, despite the fact that Dean has repeatedly shown Cas directly how much he matters, there’s also been plenty audience gets to see (Cas is family/Dean’s grief arc/Cas is a big win) that Cas hasn’t. Cas hearing Dean’s prayer here I think will change things. Cas won’t be the same. Dean won’t be the same. The bond won’t be the same. In a good way.

15.09 didn’t feel like resolution to me, and I’m glad Dabb confirmed that in his pre ep interview. It felt like ice melting, barriers crumbling. That’s good. It’s a start. That will help them with what’s next. But they have so much to work through still. Because their problems aren’t just from recent plot events, or Chuck. These tap into some fundamental things about them each that affects their bond. I’ve been saying this since before the end of S14, this isn’t hear to destroy their bond, it’s to level it up. It’s to deepen it, to fix what’s been amiss at the root and realize it into something even more powerful.

I need Cas to speak, not just Dean. Not just for my ship but for the character, I need more looks into Cas’s inner emotional landscape and how he feels about his own insecurities and I’d love to see an equally big confession about his Dean feelings.

#Dean Winchester #Castiel #Destiel #Dean and Cas #Team Free Will #Jack Kline #Supernatural #spn #supernatural spoilers #meta

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absoluteindulgence · 4 years

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Illuminate (Server Collab Prompt)

A/N: This story has been curated thanks to the lovely people of Discord. We all worked with the dialogue prompt “Pay Attention to Me,” Here’s my twist with my Sunshine boi~ ALSO, I NOW HAVE 300+ FOLLOWERS! AGAIN, THANK YOU ALL FOR LIKING MY WORK. I HAVE SOME NEW PIECES IN THE WORKS AND’ CAN’T WAIT TO SHARE THEM WITH YOU, STAY TUNED!

As time stood, you were eager to get home. The weekend was among your stressed, tired body. You felt the cool breeze come to tickle the back of your neck as you waited for the bullet train to take you close to home. Awaiting you, there would be your beloved boyfriend, Mirio. Earlier, you sent a message letting him know you would be working late, and as you figured, he didn't message you back. Recently, he's been distant. Not in the way of ignoring you, just that he's been pushing himself too much at work, and when he's home, he goes straight to bed.

Eager was an understatement as he gave you a sleepy kiss in the morning telling you he'll be free the same days as you. Working seemed to be pushing you both to exhaustion, and yet being heroes put the biggest smiles on your faces. Meeting each other during the top high school in Japan was what brought you two on to continue your goals of reaching the Top 10. You witnessed most if not all of Mirio's struggles with his quirk and his dedication shone brighter than the sun when mastered. He saw the downfalls and triumphs of yours. You pushed your body to be way more resistant and flexible. Agility would be best suited for what your quirk needed to progress.

Everyone knew of your friendship as the epitome of shut-up-and-date-already. The way you lightly grazed his arm and smiled after he finished his training, set him into a fiery, flustered frenzy. He knew you were bold, but just your fingertips on him were enough to turn him into a strawberry. After catching on that you liked him, he would tease you back just to see what you would say. You were either speechless or daring to say something just as sweet. From there on, it became a battle of compliments and kind gestures. Mirio always made a habit of lighting up the room with his laughter after your rebuttal.

In the end, Nejire pulled you to the side to make a move to ask him out. You laughed as she stressed how agonizing it's become watching the turtledove warfare. You told her, that would change very soon. The next day, you came into class with a packed lunch. Anxious but ready, you hand the lunch to Mirio. Watching his expression as you gave it to him made the window in your eyes light up. The only time you could say you scurried away from him. You anticipated his reaction to your home-cooked meal, but his grin was unbearable. He ran after you immediately and grabbed your hand. You turned around to stare at his big, warm, and callous hand compared to yours. With his gentle hold, you felt his thumb caress the back of your hand. It ran shock waves through your body.

"H-hey (____-chan), you didn't have to run." He laughed as he stretched his arm for his free hand to rub the back of his head.

"I know but-"

Mirio's lips met with yours before you could say anything more. Your eyes widen as he cradled your face close to his. The way he massaged his lips with yours caused you to shut them and melt while igniting a fire within your soul. It took restraint not to faint in his embrace as he tickled the tip of your nose with his. Pulling out of the kiss, your eyes flickered, staring into Mirio's glorious hue of blue. The honest smile paired with the tender gleam was enough to leave you breathless.

"T-thank you (____-chan), I've never had anyone do this for me." He held both of your hands.

From there on, you established your relationship. Ironically enough, you were known as the power couple. Pushing the limits of what it meant to have authentic teamwork and understand your partner's quirk.

As you reached home, you unlocked your front door met with warmth automated from your thermostat, highly refreshing from the bitter cold. As you settle in, you notice you're home alone. Sliding your favorite fuzzy slippers on, you double-check each room. Confirming your first thought, a sigh escapes your lips as you make your way back to the living room.

Maybe I'll watch TV until he comes home.

Making a choice, you prepared yourself in the best unwind fashion. Gathering your favorite drink and snacks while changing into loungewear. You looked through your streaming services to binge-watch a show that's been on your mind for some time. You snuggle into the blanket Mirio bought on a whim before Christmas and remained attentive to the show. Close to finishing the season, you end up drifting off to sleep.

Waking up in what felt like a fifth dimension, you noticed you were no longer lying on the couch, but in the bedroom, you shared with your boyfriend. Your body protested, leaving your king-size bed as you turned to face him but met with an empty side. You groaned immediately, expecting a text or a note left. As you shuffled to sit up, you scope the room for your smartphone, located on your nightstand. Bracing your tired eyes to the harsh LED lights, you squint roughly at your incoming text messages. As suspected, Mirio left you a message saying the agency called him in, and to go to the kitchen.

Finally, moving your strained limbs, the walk to the kitchen is slow and sluggish, yawning every other step. Reaching down the hallway, you turn your head left to a surprise of none other than all your favorite breakfast and brunch foods. A note left on the island in a solid white color of paper, written with blue ink, and signed with his name:

I know you didn't get to see me come in, but you looked too cute to wake up! Please enjoy this as a truce until I get back. I love you, My Sunflower.

How could you be mad? He knew the way to your heart and your stomach. With your eyes hungry and your mouth-watering, you took your time picking out your plates and entrees. Part two on the couch, you binged the rest of your show, and as you reached the end, you heard the jingle of keys. Half dazed, you wait until he entered the living room. As his thick build met at the entryway leading into the heart of the home, the room was completely illuminated. He smiled as you laid sleepily on the couch, snuggled up.

"Hi, my Sunflower." He rested his coat on the back of the kitchen chair, trotting the rest of his buff body over to plop onto the couch with you.

He cradled close to your burrito wrapped body, placing kisses over your cheeks, lips, and nose. "Did you miss me?"

"No, not at all. I was enjoying the attention of my TV Husbando."

"Oh, really, How are they doing?"

"Not well actually, they're going through an existential crisis."

Mirio mimics an 'o' shape with his mouth, "Oh man, that sounds terrible. Let's hope he makes it through."

Mirio lightly chuckled as he wrapped you in his arms tighter. He relishes in the scent of your hair, nestling close to your neck. An abundance of delight rushed through your body. "I'm so happy to be home."

You hid your smile under the blanket, "I'm happy too."

Mirio pulls away to look at you, "Listen, Sunshine, I know that you've been annoyed with me these past two weeks. You haven't been able to see me enough for us to relax together. But there's a reason why."

You watched his shoulders tense when speaking, "I've been working hard because I know sooner or later, you might get bored with me and think I'm not serious about you. When truthfully, I'm scared to lose you."

He took a slow breath making his words come out clear to you, "Being a hero has taught me the valuable lesson of taking care of the ones you love. And not to only tell them how much you care but to show them. That's why I-"

With a quick shuffle of his pockets, he pulled out a small, black velvet box.

"(Your whole fucking government name/desired full name) I've loved you since High-school, way before you made me that lunch. Way before you even looked my way in year one, really. Knowing that you've been by my side through high school, internships, college, and agencies have given me the power to overcome all trials head-on. Whether to deck a villain straight in the face or to let you know when we run out of toilet paper while I'm still on the can. The sun can not shine without the moon, and so, with that said, will you be my Moon?"

Immediately after he popped the question, you wiped your eyes. Streaming of tears and nodding excessively. He opened the box and showcased the exact ring you saw at the jeweler's. You originally went to get something simple for an evening gala full of pro heroes when your eye caught it. You guys were in a rush that day, so you didn't even know Mirio saw you take a glimpse.

"Babe, I wanna hear you say it." He chuckles as he places the ring on your right ring finger.

Your giddiness shows how overly excited you are, you take a deep breath and grin while looking into his big, blue gaze, "Yes."

"Great, now get ready."

"Wha-what are we doing?"

"Well first, we're going to the spa and then shopping, after that I’m taking you to every upscale restaurant in Tokyo so that we can get free food off our engagement."

You laughed instantly, "So you're a scammer now?"

"I'm just kidding, but I do want the dessert to be free!"

#togata mirio x reader #Mirio Imagines #bnha imagines #togata mirio imagine #fluff #absoluteindulgence stories #Mar's Writings

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softlyjiminie · 5 years

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ambidextrous | k.n.j

⇢ pairing(s): soulmate!kim Namjoon x reader.

⇢ word count: 2.4K

⇢ genre: fluff, friends to lovers!au, college!au, soulmate!au.

⇢ summary: soulmates were a common thing in this world, yours could hear the thoughts in your head. the only way to know when you’ve met him, is to hear that one keyword.

⇢ warning(s): please read! nothing major, probably swearing.

⇢ author’s note(s): hello babies! long time no see, here’s a little friday fic for you! i’ve had this in my drafts for almost a year so i hope you like it mwah.

Soulmates were a common thing in this world, some liked the idea of having someone that they were destined to be with and some disliked being bound to someone eternally. You didn’t seem to be bothered by it.

You remember when you met your soulmate or rather heard him for the first time. His thoughts growing louder and louder in your head to the point where it caused you to stop playing with the dolls you had out. You had been nine.

You remember screaming and crying to your mother that night, after hearing his sort of inappropriate thoughts and you remember your poor mother having to explain to you from an early age what the birds and the bees were.

It was obvious then that your soulmate was a year or two older than you, you remember being too scared to ask him to cut down on his fun time so writing a letter to recite in your head seemed to work.

‘I-uh... I’m so sorry,’ said his voice after you finished reading, and you blushed at the unfamiliar feeling of a boy’s voice in your head. ‘I’m Namjoon.’

You smiled, finally getting a name. ‘It’s okay, and I’m YN.’

The pair of you became good friends after that, as much as you could without meeting each other in real life. The thing about soulmates was that you’d never know when you’d meet them until they’d said a keyword out loud. It was said that a wave of pure emotion; happiness and love was to crash over you as soon as you head it. You couldn’t wait for the day that you met Namjoon.

He was your best friend, practically; you recalled a time when you were twelve and he’d calmed you down from a panic attack after you’d lost your parents on a family holiday. There was also that time that he stayed up with you until the early hours of the morning; whispering sweet words to you after your ex-boyfriend publicly embarrassed you when you were seventeen.

Namjoon was always there for you; and you for him. There had been many nights when you’d cheered him on at his lowest, Joon was a smart boy and had so much pressure on him. It was easy for him to doubt himself. Though, as intelligent as your future partner may have been; he was also very clumsy and over the years you had spent many a nights scolding him through your mindlink when he’d ended up in A&E.

Sometimes; Namjoon was very analytical. Often sending you into spiels of existential crisis’ with his thoughts. One time, when you were eighteen, you’d spilt coffee all over a customer when Namjoon started thinking about the meaning of life. You had to spend half an hour explaining to your boss what had happened whilst receiving frantic apologies from the supposed love of your life.

So now; aged twenty and at three AM you were lying wide awake as your soulmate rambled on about society and a few other things that you couldn’t quite register. You loved how Joon could always see a deeper meaning in the simplest of things and how he could find beauty in everything, but it was 3 AM for Christ’s sake, and you had a lecture at 9 the same day.

‘Namjoon... you know I love you...’ you started, speaking your thoughts with a tired expression and all his late night ramblings ceased, causing you to smile as you rolled onto your side.

You imagined him smirking on the other side of your mindlink and you wondered what he looked like. ‘Why do I feel like I’m about to be roasted?’

‘Maybe it’s because it’s almost 4 AM and you won’t stop with the philosophical bullshit,’ you teased back, giggling into your pillow. There was a pause before you could hear Namjoon’s melodious chuckle in your head. ‘Your laugh is so pretty.’ you mumbled and he stopped laughing.

The silence caused you to bite your lip as you hugged your pillow to your chest. ‘You’re so pretty.’ he countered, softly.

‘You don’t even know what I look like...’

‘I don’t need to, you have a beautiful personality and I’m in love with you.’

You sighed in content, deciding so utter back a small thank you. You didn’t go back to sleep after that, opting to stay up and not go to your lecture tomorrow. It was just one lecture, you’d be fine. You liked times like this, where you could talk endlessly to your soulmate and it made you almost sad that you weren’t meeting any time soon.

It was five AM when you randomly decided to paint your nails, chatting happily to Namjoon about his plans for the day. You had just finished painting your left hand, the red nail polish contrasting against your beautiful skin tone. Now, you struggled to paint your right hand causing you to pout in frustration.

‘YN, what are you doing?’ Namjoon asked and you almost forgot that you were talking to him. Setting the nail varnish down, you glared at your messily painted nails before blowing on them lightly to dry the colour.

You sighed slightly and leaned back into your plush pillows. ‘I’m tryna paint my nails, the right hand looks so messy, ugh,’ You rolled your eyes when Joon laughed at you. ‘I wish I could paint my nails with both hands, and write too, what’s the word? I wish I was...’

‘Ambidextrous?’ your soulmate finished for you with a smug tone in his voice. ‘If you listened to my philosophical bullshit then maybe you’d know that.’

‘Shut up!’ You grumbled, a coy smile tickling the seams of your lips. You thought about how Namjoon was probably smiling too, a breathless chuckle falling from his lips as sat at a desk or lay on his bed. You sat up, leaning against the headboard of your own bed and listened again for your soulmate’s voice. ‘Say it again for me?’

You asked sweetly, trying to suppress a giggle as Namjoon sighed. There was a slight pause in the conversation from where Namjoon was preparing an accent before he spoke. ‘Ambidextrous...’ he whispered in a low and husky voice before you burst out laughing, feeling the happiest you’d been in a while.

Almost a week later; you found yourself at an all time low. Final exams for the semester had begun to roll in and your college roommate had decided to move in with her partner; leaving you alone to make ends meet. You had acquired the position of barista at the campus cafe due to your short employment in the coffee shop back home. To top it off, you hadn’t heard from your soulmate since that night, leaving you alone with no one to talk or vent to.

Instead you spent most of your days studying behind the counter whilst one of your coworkers took orders. A ticket came in for a tall vanilla latte and peach iced tea and you quickly set to work mixing the syrups and bases. A frown twisted on your lips as you made the drinks, your mind drifting to Namjoon, he had told you that his favourite drink was the Vanilla latte, and it only made you that slightest bit sadder.

Once the drinks were made, you set them on the counter and let your coworker call out the orders, sitting back down, you begun to stare blankly at the study notes you held so tightly...your thoughts now suddenly caught up on Namjoon. That’s when you heard it. A deep, smooth and luscious voice chatting away as they came to collect their drinks; you sat up, easing your hearing into the conversation as their voice sounded vaguely familiar.

“I’m telling you, Jimin , she’s perfect for me... I can’t get her out of my head.” the original voice gushed, causing you to perk up ever so slightly.

His friend sighed, seemingly unamused. “That’s kinda how soulmates work hyung...”

“You know what I mean.” the deeper voice snapped back and the conversation drew to a close as the pair presumably went to find a table. You sunk back into your seat, notebook outstretched on your lap as you tried to focus back on studying. ‘Must be nice’ you sighed to yourself, a little part of you hoping that Namjoon would hear. You were met with silence.

“YN!” you jumped at the sudden shout of your name, dropping your work to the sticky floor behind the counter and you internally groaned as you pulled it up from the floor and offered a sheepish smile to the team manager for today’s shift. “What are you doing?”

Studying. What does it look like? “Nothing,” you beamed, whipping down your apron. Your manager eyed you suspiciously, before shoving a tray of drinks in your hand.

“Table five. The jocks. Now.” She grunted. Bitch.

The table was just as rowdy as expected, with the University’s prized football squad getting their daily caffeine fix before practice. You’d served them quite a few times before, having become their favourite waitress on a Sunday morning, you weren’t sure if it was because the youngest, Jeongguk from your psychology class, had a crush on you or if it was because the boys genuinely liked you. Either way, you got good tips.

“Morning boys, big game coming up?” You chirped, setting out the iced coffees and frappes in front of each designated boy. They all barked out a sweet or cocky reply as you worked.

An orange haired boy grinned up at you. “Why of course Miss YN, have you noticed that I’ve been working out extra hard? I wanna impress you during our match on Friday.”

“Hyung, She has a soulmate!”

“So what? A man can flirt can’t he?”

You chuckled at their antics and rolled your eyes, sliding over the boy’s drink with a mischievous look. What? It was fun to play along. “Ever the charmer, aren’t you Hoseok? Too bad I’m not interested.”

The jocks let out a series of ‘ooo’s as you sashayed away from the table, mentioning how you’d be right back with their breakfasts. You trailed back to the kitchen, grabbing their orders of piping hot hash browns and full English breakfasts before walking through the cafe to reach the boys again. You couldn’t help but zone into the conversations of surrounding customers, one in particular catching your attention.

“You type really fucking slowly with your left hand hyung-” the voice from earlier, Jimin, commented with a slurp of his drink. You heard his friend audibly sigh with annoyance as you walked by and couldn’t help but to smile to yourself. “It’s stressing me out man.”

“Well I’m sorry Jimin, not all of us can be fucking ambidextrous!”

You froze. The small hairs on your skin rising high as a wave of goosebumps crashed over you. The tray in your hands clattered to the floor, as heads whipped in your direction but their judging gazes didn’t matter to you. Nothing mattered. Nothing except him. A sweet taste melted on your tongue and all you could smell was him; pine cones and Earth, candle wax and old paper books. It was all him. All Namjoon.

Slowly, you turned around, arms shaking and body trembling. A boy around a head or so taller than you, stood across from you in the aisle of the cafe, blonde hair parted and swept over his forehead. His skin was a delicious tone that screamed warmth and kisses under the sun and you felt an innate desire to run your finger tips over its supple plains. His eyes were like molten pools of chocolate, his lips so plump and kissable. He was Namjoon, he was your soulmate.

You felt your heart rate increase as the pair of you cautiously approached one another, being mindful to step over shard of broken ceramic plates and pools of baked beans. You met each other halfway, with hesitant smiles and flushed cheeks but Namjoon was the first to break the ice. “Y-YN?” He stammered out, his eyes searching your face and drinking in your features like it was his last meal. You nodded shyly, eyes bulging when the taller boy pulled you into his chest, his arms encasing you. You felt warm and safe and at home. “Wow...I-...I can’t believe you’re really...y-you!”

He pulled away, and you grinned up at him. “Hi,”

“Hi,” he smiled back, still holding you in his arms. “I can’t believe I’m actually holding you, and that we’re in the same university? How have we never met before? How is this even possible? I’m just so-“

You rolled your eyes at him playfully, pressing a finger to his lips to silence his ramblings. “Are we starting with that philosophical bullshit again, Joonie?” You whispered, savouring the sound of his low chuckle that bounced around in his chest.

“Yes, we’re soulmates now. You’re stuck with me,” came his quick-fired response, his hand coming up to encase your own. “And now, I finally have you.”

Never in your life had you felt so much love and it was all for you. The way Namjoon had glanced down at you in that second had filled you with so much happiness, before he was just a voice in your head and now he was a physical form to hold you and care for you. He was yours. “You’ll always have me...” Trailing your finger tips across his broad shoulders, you let them trail up to he hairs on the nape of his neck as the blonde leaned in, his plump lips gently brushing your own before he kissed you, softly, his hands curling around your waist to draw you closer. “Namjoon... I-I, I love you,”

And he smiled, kissing you again, right there in the cafe in the middle of your Sunday morning shift. With your boss and the jocks and all the other students watching, but it felt like you were the only two people in the world.

“Wait.wait, wait...what the fuck?” Jimin called out from the table, an incredulous look plastered on his face, his brows furrowed. The pink haired male looked around, just as confused as his fellow peers, before making eye contact with Namjoon. “Please don’t tell me you just met your soulmate by saying ambidextrous-”

You smiled, still in Namjoon’s arms, who only offered his friend a sheepish grin, sending Jimin into a series of eye rolls and complaints of disbelief. Never him mind though, at least you had your soulmate now.

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ossyuche · 5 years

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Does Marriage Mean Suffering Through A Lot of Horrible Years?

As a longtime reader of your blog, I know you’re a proponent of good marriages as opposed to marrying solely for the sake of not being alone.

I was recently watching a late night show on which Michelle Obama appeared and said, “If you’re married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you’re doing really good! Anybody would take those odds.”

Should anybody *really* take those odds, though?

Is it simply being realistic, as the former First Lady suggests, to expect a “horrible” year or two here and there sprinkled throughout a lifelong partnership?

If not, is it possible to assess at 2-3 years into a relationship whether or not that “horrible” year is right around the corner?

Perhaps even worse, is it a thing that the first 40 years could be blissful and the next 10 a total nightmare? And if either of those circumstances were to happen in a relationship, what should the partners do?

Thanks, Evan!

Jen

Really great question, Jen. I’m glad you asked it.

I think this is as good a time to point out that the way I feel about relationships is different than the way most people feel about relationships.

Most people: “Relationships take work!”

Evan: “Good relationships are easy. If it’s not easy, it’s not a good relationship.”

Most people: “Couples fight all the time. It’s normal.”

Evan: “Unhealthy couples fight all the time. Healthy couples fight a lot less — and a lot quieter.”

Most people: “You should stay together through thick and thin because you made a vow.”

Evan: “If your relationship is draining you and is not supporting your happiness, what exactly is it for?”

When I say these things, people sit up and pay attention for multiple reasons.

I don’t know anybody else who preaches the concept that “relationships are easy,” so when you hear it, it comes as a bit of a shock to the system. Some people find it hopeful and encouraging.

Others, especially if they are in a relationship that involves a lot of fighting, breaking up, and long stretches of questioning your compatibility, get defensive. “Hey, that smug dating coach guy is attacking me. He’s saying I have a bad marriage. Well, fuck him! He doesn’t know anything. He’ll see how hard his marriage will be!”

And who knows? Maybe they’re right. I’ve only been married for ten years. Circumstances can change. Couples can grow apart. People face challenges that strain their relationship. Anything is possible.

Then again, my business has been challenged in the past few years.

We do have two kids who suck up a lot of time, attention and money.

I have faced anxiety, insomnia, and some mid-life existential crisis during my marriage.

There are some things I have trouble accepting about my wife and some things she has trouble accepting about me.

And yet, when I read your question, Jen, it doesn’t sound like ANYTHING that pertains to me. TEN BAD YEARS? Maybe that was normal for The Greatest Generation or the Baby Boomers, but I sure hope that GenX and Millennials aim higher.

I haven’t had one bad year with my wife.

I haven’t had one bad month with my wife.

I haven’t had one bad week with my wife.

I have had one bad day with my wife. A few times, actually.

But nothing that would remotely make me think that I’d be better off without her. Nothing that would make me question the foundation of our relationship. Nothing that would make me like her or love her less. Frankly, it’s unfathomable to me to consider.

I acknowledge that maybe I married a unicorn — or maybe my wife did — but that’s a bit too self-aggrandizing, even for me.

The fact is, my wife and I are normal people who are really honest, connected, and well-matched. It took a lot of searching but I’m confident we got it right and I’m certain we are not alone.

Believe me, I think it’s an impressive feat for couples to fight for their marriage — I’m grateful that my parents did for thirty years. I also know that my Mom is MUCH happier in her current marriage, which is WAY easier than the one with my Dad ever was.

When people tell you “relationships take work,” feel free to smile, nod and take solace that this is NOT how relationships have to be.

Few people are going to throw their marriage under the bus and admit they made the wrong choice 10, 20, or 30 years ago. It’s too painful to admit that a rocky relationship is unhealthy and perhaps there is an easier way to live. It’s too painful to look objectively at your marriage and wonder why it doesn’t bring more joy and instead brings pain.

God bless Michelle Obama for all she has done, but I’m going to break with her on this one. When people tell you “relationships take work,” feel free to smile, nod and take solace that this is NOT how relationships have to be.

You do NOT have to suffer for years at a time.

The people who do chose an incompatible partner a long time ago and are doing everything in their power to avoid facing the fact that life can be pretty darn blissful when you’re with the right person from the start.

The post Does Marriage Mean Suffering Through A Lot of Horrible Years? appeared first on Dating Coach – Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..

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whatishappy-blog1 · 7 years

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One of Those Days

Oy.

Hi, friends! Yup, it’s one of those days where I feel like absolute crap. We all know them, we all hate them, and we all get through them somehow. However, I am currently at the stage where I feel like I’m bracing for more awful things to happen and I just can’t shake the tension. I’m hoping that in writing this post, some positivity will come through by the end. We shall see!

So, a run down of my day:

- Had brunch with my parents, great! Had to wait for them longer than expected, didn’t do much work while I waited because I didn’t think it would take so long, ended up wasting most of the morning until they finally got here around 11:45, not so great.

- Asked mom to bring me a few things from home so I wouldn’t have to buy them and she brought them, great! Mom brought a TON of stuff I didn’t need and bombarded me with ALL THE THINGS that I don’t have room for causing me to panic and feel like I was hyperventilating and wanted to cry, not so great.

- Have to rehearse for a kind of uncomfy scene with a partner for a long time today when we were supposed to rehearse yesterday but things came up and prevented that... yeah not so great all round, but what can ya do.

- Needing to catch up on readings & papers for classes and not having enough time for all that unless I stay up late and/or wake up early which I’ve been doing for the past week... also not great all round.

There’s lots going on, as you can see. I hope I didn’t stress you out too much by putting my current causes of anxiety out there! But hey, sometimes laying it all out helps. In order to have an organized mind, you need to organize things on paper or computer or somewhere you can see it instead of just letting things bounce around your noggin.

My dad always tells me to take things one step at a time, one day at a time. “You can plan for the future, but focus on today,” he said at brunch today. Lovely idea, pops. I try, I really do. But sometimes, I just need to have a good ole cry, blubber fest, pity party, shit storm, frustrated vent/rant, blahblahblah! Times like this, I wish my college gyms had punching bags. (Seriously, get those in our gyms NOW!) I don’t really know what I’m trying to say here anymore. Let’s see...

For me, sticking to a positive mindset feels like trying to stick to a healthy diet: you’re going, you’re going, you’re good for a while, but then a big bump in the road hits (a craving you can’t seem to quiet, a temptation right in front of you that you just want to reach out and grab without thinking, a mindless snacking sesh creeps up on you and before you know it you’ve eaten the whole bag) and everything feels lost. Why bother trying when you can just wallow here? Well we need to keep trying. Be mindful of where you are and what you need in the current moment, throw distractions and worries that go along with them aggressively out the window because you’re busy and ain’t got time for that, do a little silent scream, take a deep belly breath (or take 5 of ‘em!), and get down to business. Find something to look forward to, like a fun event you’re going to in a week or even just crossing a damn thing OFF your agenda because woo is that a relief!

Most importantly, remember that life is short. Now don’t go off and have an existential crisis! Just bear in mind that, although it sucks to be trapped doing a mountain of work and facing scary, anxiety-inducing things that will haunt you for days, these things will come... and then they’ll go. All things must come to an end, and that includes the stuff that’s working negative energy on you and your life. You’ll get over these hurdles, and then you’ll be able to breathe easy again for a bit. It’s not much of a comfort, but we’ve got to make the most of it.

The days are numbered, my friends. When the going gets rough, work through the crap for whatever happy thought or dream is on the other side. There’s always something or someone to get to the other side for. Find it, and don’t lose sight of it, even through the tears and fears.

Happy October!

#happy #whatishappy #october #college #life #happiness #work #hope #positive #stress #honesty #anxiety #crappy day #oy #mindfulness

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